#about verself (surprise)

[crtalley]

work has been leaving me exhausted, cold, in physical pain, and soaked to the bone most nights because i would rather die doing dishes than stay at work until 6 in the fucking morning

i kind of love it. like yeah it's more work than i was doing at my last job but -- it's not even that i enjoy being there, i want to go home every fucking minute past 2am -- it's more like... i feel like the work i'm doing has some kind of fucking value. like i'm doing something that maybe it's not important on the whole, it's a fucking fast food restaurant, but i'm making someone else's life easier. my coworkers matter to me.

also i'm making a shitton more money

[selfspinninglies]

You know, like this .

Tw: death mentions

Ve knew what day it was. Ve didn't need to look at a calendar, ask anyone, or double-check through any other means. Ve'd been thinking about it since last week or so. (ve wasn't sure exactly, the days had started to blur since that realization.) For a few blissful moments, that familiar feeling of childish excitement had crept up on ver. It always had when their ver birthday was coming up.

Whether it was in the apocalypse or not, ve always looked forward to it despite refusing to admit that. Now ve would in heartbeat. Shout it from the rooftops and tell ver twin about how glad ve was that ve got to do this with him every year.

But ve couldn't do that. Ve never could. Ve'd never get the chance. That feeling quickly morphed into one of gut-wrenching dread that made ver limbs feel heavy and still.

Ve didn't get out of bed that day. Ve wouldn't do that to verself. It hurt enough to have to think about it, so it would kill ver to have to see it all. Ve didn't want to interrupt the festivities either. They all deserved it after the events that had transpired recently. Ve did too, but ve ignored that notion.

It took ver an hour and a half to do the simple act of sitting up, discarding the blanket ve used to the side. It took a surprising amount of effort to do, which made ver feel a little more stupid than ve already did. Ve hadn't slept for a few days, so ve gave verself the benefit of the doubt.

Ve brought ver knees to ver chest. Ve could feel the tears budding in ver eyes as ver vision blurred. A shaky exhale exited ver lips as ve let verself cry for once. Nobody would see, anyway. It didn't matter.

Ver body trembled slightly. Breathing soon proved to be a challenge with all of the feelings inside of ver. For a second ve felt like ve was dying.

That would be easier, ve thinks. Ve's done that before. This was a painful first of many.

Ve wrapped ver remaining arm around ver knees. Ve mumbles something to verself through quiet sobs. Ve felt so small in the moment. Ver voice was so hollow and defeated, but ve didn't notice. Nobody else would hear it. Whatever they said would fall on deaf ears.

Ve would do anything for one of Raph's hugs right now. Or a hug from any of ver siblings. Anything from any of ver siblings.

"...Happy birthday, Leon..."

Ve wished they had something to remember him by.

Thinking about the unused angst potential of one of the twins going back in time and then it's the present (past? Idk) twins' birthdays so f!leo/donnie (whichever one you choose) just has to . Think about that. And deal with it.

[thewritenerd]

Victor And Adam: NaNoWriMo Day 21

Adam

When he first woke up Adam’s first thought was he didn’t want to go to school. The altercation with the old woman had left him very shaken and he couldn’t bare the thought of even risking another one. Lying there he wondered if he should fake sick. But he wasn’t sure how to do that. He’d never actually been sick so he had no idea what it felt like. Sure he’d seen actors pretending on tv but how accurate was that? When Igor had been sick he hadn’t even been allowed to see him. ‘Adam. If you want breakfast you’ll have to come down soon.’ He heard Igor call from the other side of the door. At first Adam thought of ignoring him and pretending to be asleep, but he didn’t want anyone coming in just yet. ‘I’m not hungry!’ he called back. ‘Well you need to eat something.’ Adam just stayed where he was staring at the wall. He listened as Igor made his way back down the stairs. He knew he’d be back soon telling him he had to get up to go to school. He wouldn’t let that drop. But still Adam found himself lying there. Sooner than he expected he heard footsteps coming back up the stairs. At first he thought it was Igor but the steps were to fast and heavy. ‘Adam?’ It was Victor’s voice this time. Unlike Igor he didn’t wait for a response and instead pushed the door open and stepped inside. ‘Adam are you okay?’ Adam just lay there not answering. How could he answer? He wasn’t sure if he wanted to lie or not. Or even what counted as a lie and what was technically the truth. Was he okay? He wasn’t sick but he felt awful. But if he was asked to put any specific words to it he had nothing. Truth was it was the thought of what may happen that made him feel that way. And how can you explain feeling bad about something that hasn’t happened? ‘Adam you need to get up. You can’t stay in here forever.’ ‘I’m not…’ 

‘You didn’t leave your room at all yesterday. Now come on you need to go to school.’ Adam reluctantly sat up but stayed sat in bed. Victor sighed and came a little closer. ‘How about this. I’ll ring the school and tell them you have a doctor’s appointment this afternoon. That way you only have to do a half day.’ Adam opened his mouth to speak but Victor held out his hand to stop him. ‘I’m only going to do that for today. Tomorrow I expect you to stay there for a full day.  Understand?’ Adam nodded. He still wasn’t happy to be going but he supposed a half day wouldn’t be too bad. Still he wondered… ‘Couldn’t I just go back to being home-schooled?’ he asked. Victor shook his head. ‘Igor and I both have to work.’ ‘Well maybe you could hire someone?’ Adam suggested not wanting to let the matter drop. Victor frowned at him. It wasn’t the frown he was used to getting. This was less a glower and more a look of concern. ‘You’re going to school and that’s final. If you still don’t want to go at the end of the school year then we’ll talk about it.’ Adam nodded realising that this was as good an offer as he was going to get. Victor patted his shoulder. ‘Good boy. Now come on you really do need to get dressed.’

***

‘Have you got everything?’ Igor asked as he pulled up outside the school gates. ‘Books, pencil case, pills, phone.’ Adam checked off the list. ‘Did you remember your water bottle?’ ‘Yeah that’s in there.’ ‘Good and what were the rules for your meds?’ ‘No more than two doses a day and wait six hours between each dose.’ Igor nodded. ‘Good. Now go on. I’ll pick you up at lunch.’ Adam stepped out of the car and waved goodbye. As soon as he stepped through the door he heard a familiar voice scream, ‘Heeeeyyyy Aaaaadaaaam!’ he looked round to see Chelsea enthusiastically throwing verself into the air arms waving all over the place. He made his way over to ver and Nate, who was trying to get as much distance between himself and Chelsea’s flailing arms. ‘Hey guy’s.’ Adam said a smile breaking out on his face. No matter how bad he’d felt this morning it was hard to feel completely miserable when Chelsea was around. ‘How have you been?’ Nate asked as he fiddled with his hearing aids. He must have turned them off when Chelsea started yelling Adam thought. He couldn’t exactly blame him. ‘Fine.’ Chelsea and Nate exchanged glances. ‘What?’ Adam asked looking from one to the other. ‘Uh it’s just. Well…’ Nate began. ‘Sascha saw your fight with that old lady outside the cinema.’ Chelsea finished for him. Nate nodded. ‘Well she didn’t say fight. But she did overhear you yelling.’ He corrected before leaning forward. ‘Did she really tell you to. You know? Kill yourself?’ he said the last part so quietly Adam almost didn’t catch it. ‘More or less.’ ‘Wow. Okay if you ever see her when we’re out and about point her out and I’ll hit her so hard her false teeth come out her saggy backside.’ ‘Chelsea!’ Nate cried. ‘What. Hey you know I’m not a violent person but I can’t just let her get away with that.’ Adam shook his head. ‘Please don’t punch anyone on my behalf.’ Chelsea nodded. ‘Okay but can I throw some eggs at her?’ Nate shook his head. ‘What are you going to carry eggs around until you see her in the street?’ ‘Why not? I could carry them around in a little basket. Maybe I could wear a red cloak too.’ Ver eyes were shining at the thought. ‘I doubt you have enough clothes in any colour other than pink to do that. At least without looking like a colour illiterate fashion disaster.’ Nate teased. Chelsea rolled ver eyes at him and gave him a shove. ‘Says the weirdo in the neckerchief and farmers shirt.’ Ve reached out and tugged on the open shirt Nate usually wore over his t shirt. ‘Farmers shirt. Does this look checked to you?’ Nate asked with clearly fake indignation. At this point Adam was laughing. ‘That’s better.’ Chelsea said. ‘Now come on or we’ll be late for class. And we have chemistry first period.’ The two boys exchanged looks with grimaces on their faces. ‘Wow first day back and it’s the dragon’s class. Bad luck mate.’ They made their way to the science rooms splitting off as Chelsea and Nate headed off to their class and Adam headed into his. Being the very top set Adam’s science classes were the second smallest in his year. The smallest being the bottom set, which he’d heard was compromised almost entirely of kids with learning disabilities, who only did one subject each so they were spread out pretty thin. Stepping into the room he saw most of his classmates were already there. The only missing were Sammy, a kid with cerebral palsy ho usually was the last to come in as it was easier to manoeuvre his wheelchair around when everyone was sat down, and a couple of kids whose names Adam couldn’t quite remember. He had just sat down when the teacher came in closely followed by Sammy and the TA who helped him. ‘Right I see most of you have bothered to show up.’ She said as she sat at her desk. ‘Now let’s see Imogen Ackerman.’ ‘Here miss.’ ‘Shaun Alger.’ ‘Here miss.’ She was just getting to the F’s when one of the two missing students came through the doors. ‘Ah miss Karim. You’re late.’ ‘So sorry miss.’ The girl replied as she tried to fix her hijab back in place. ‘You’re lucky the school rules officially state I can’t give you detention unless you come in after I’ve marked the register otherwise you would be in detention. Now sit down.’ Karim nodded and rushed to her seat. ‘Right. Arisha Fedorov.’ ‘Here miss.’ Ursula Fiddler.’ ‘Here miss.’ ‘Damian Forney.’ ‘Here miss.’ ‘Yvone Fowler.’ ‘He’s not in today miss.’ Shaun called. ‘He went to his grandma’s funeral over the weekend and his family won’t be back until this evening.’ ‘Right.’ ‘Adam Frankenstein.’ ‘Here miss.’ Adam said raising his hand as they were expected to do. He always felt a bit silly doing that. It wasn’t like he was hard to miss. ‘Ah yes. I heard you’d be coming back this week. Let’s hope you can catch up with what you’ve missed.’ Adam nodded. ‘I think I can.’ Miss Newell raised an eyebrow at him. ‘Okay then what’s the chemical formula for glucose? And what is the molar mass and the melting point.’ ‘Six parts carbon, twelve parts hydrogen, and six parts oxygen. The molar mass is 180.156 and the melting point is 146 degrees centigrade.’ He felt rather pleased to have remembered all that. Chemistry wasn’t his strongest subject but he was good with the numbers. ‘Yes well don’t look so smug. No one likes a know it all.’ Miss Newell said before turning back to the register. Adam let his head drop. ‘What a bitch.’ The kid next to him muttered. He looked over to Adam and gave him a reassuring smile which Adam returned. Adam had often ended up sitting next to him but had never really learnt his name. It turned out to be Oscar O’Conner. Oscar had a thick Irish accent and so much metal in his face, and on his teeth, it was a surprise he wasn’t asked to leave the room every time a magnet was used. Once Miss Newell finished the register she announced they’d be doing group projects. ‘Now you’ll remember how last week I asked you to get into groups of threes and fours. Adam you’ll be with Oscar and Maram. Right get in your groups.’ Adam watched as the girl in the hijab stood up and made her way over. ‘Hey.’ She said as she took a seat across the bench from them. ‘Hey.’ Adam said. ‘Hey beautiful.’ Oscar said blowing Maram a kiss. She pretended to catch it and put it on her lips. Adam stared not sure what to say. ‘We’re dating.’ Oscar explained. Adam nodded. ‘Well don’t let me interrupt.’ He joked. Maram laughed. ‘Come on we’d better get started before Miss Newell comes over.’ ‘So what are we doing?’ Adam asked. ‘We’ve got to make one of these things but the instructions are very vague.’ Oscar replied pointing to the worksheet he’d put on the bench. ‘I think we should do the bouncy balls. They sound fun.’ Maram said pointing to the list. ‘Well so does coloured fire. What do you think?’ he looked to Adam. ‘Yeah you can be our decider.’ ‘Definitely the balls. I’m not a huge fan of fire.’ Maram nodded. ‘That’s right. You won’t even use the Bunsen burners.’ They turned back to the worksheet. ‘Hmm. Okay we’ll need Borax, corn-starch, glue, water, food colouring…’ she read out the list. ‘Huh this sounds pretty easy.’

***

It was not easy. And they left an hour later with strict instructions to come back at break to clean up the mess. ‘Honestly what did she expect to happen.’ Oscar grumbled. ‘She probably didn’t expect you to get the wrong ingredients.’ Maram pointed out. ‘Well I think she should have awarded us. We might have invented a new kind of glue.’ Adam pointed joked. This got a laugh from the other two. ‘Yeah. My hands still hurt.’ Oscar said looking down at his palm that was still bright red from accidentally sticking himself to the table. At had taken a considerable amount of tugging from Adam and himself to get free. ‘And to think you two are top of the class.’ Maram sighed rolling her eyes. ‘Hey you’re just as much at fault as I am.’ Adam insisted. Maram laughed then stopped. ‘Your girlfriend’s over there’ She said pointing down the hall to the stairs. ‘Who?’ Adam looked round. ‘There. Standing two steps from the bottom. Look she’s heading up.’ Adam followed where she was pointing. ‘Shreya’s not my girlfriend.’ ‘Huh really. I thought two were together.’ Adam shook his head. ‘I’m not sure who told you that but it’s not true.’ ‘Really. I heard she let you borrow her book.’ Adam shrugged. ‘Well yeah but that doesn’t make us a couple. Unless that’s some kind of secret code I don’t know.’ Oscar shook his head. ‘No. But Shreya won’t let anyone touch her books. Let alone borrow them. She must really like you.’ ‘And I’m guessing by the colour of your cheeks you might like her back.’ Maram said cocking her head to one side. ‘I.’ Adam began. ‘I don’t…’ Frustrated he started kicking the ground.