#about how unfulfilling the normalcy is

[gracemarkss]

i really do think we lose out on a lot by cutting ethan from the pilot. so much of what we learn about scully in subsequent episodes and seasons - her relationships with her father, with jack, with daniel; her experiences in never again and how she describes her relationship to authority; the themes of normalcy and expectation, desire and fear, what you should want vs what you actually want, letting yourself want; about having a life and drawing lines and getting out of the car…once you learn about jack, ethan makes so much sense.

how much time passed between her time at the academy and dating jack and her assignment to the x files? months, a year at most maybe? with the revelations in lazarus, you start to wonder, what made her go from a superior decades older than her who’s intensity is his downfall to a regular run of the mill guy in her peer group? when she talks about other fathers in never again, taken with everything she’s said about wanting “a life”, it becomes a bit more clear - this was a course correction. it’s all the more clearly drawn in all things, another taboo relationship with a man she could never bring home. is it “normal” to date your teacher, have emotional affairs with married professors twice your age? is that what good catholic girls do? can you bring these men to sunday dinner with your parents’ pastor? so ethan is a conscious choice. an experiment in normalcy. an attempt at the clean cut boyfriend that you can bring home to dad, with an eye on the house in the suburbs, the picket fence, the 2.5 kids. she doesn’t not want it. she wants to want it. it’s what girls from her background are expected to do. missy certainly isn’t going to. so it’s up to her. and she’s already rebelled so much already, with her career choices. she can do this. she can want this. she can be a good daughter. she can make this work.

but then there’s the assignment. then there’s mulder. then there’s passion and intensity adventure and a fierce dedication to the truth, to helping people, to a dogged pursuit of justice (whatever form that might take). there’s the adrenaline rush over lost time beside empty graves in the rain. there’s this strange man you just met being so careful with your vulnerability, and handing his to you in kind. how can a weekend out of town with ethan compare to this? what’s the house and the fence and the sunday dinners compared to this?

so ethan is is out. the experiment in normalcy has failed. but the fear lingers. there are still expectations to meet. there are still parts of her that wants it. she could get it if she really tried. it’s something that she comes back to over and over again, fear vs desire, the contradictions in all the things she wants and needs, the heavy weight of expectation, both from others and her own. and i think it’s all communicated that much more clearly and powerfully when ethan’s presence is maintained in the pilot.

[os-eclipses-tamen-son-yuri]

Love to hc Denji as anything besides strictly cis because no matter how you see it and choose to read him as it will always add so much more nuance to his portrayal and character and it just feels RIGHT

[despite-everything]

checked out this book on sexual intelligence at the library and it’s honestly fascinating. i know i’ve been reading theory on sex for years now, but i’ve never considered myself an expert by any means, but it’s fascinating to read this book and only be able to think “good lord you people live like this??”

like i’m more than aware that the average american isn’t particularly sexually liberated, but i really assumed that if people were so fucking hung up on the idea of sex being the epitome of pleasure and intimacy, they’d at least be less fucking weird about it

[synthetickitsune]

The Velvet Box ✧ l.sm

Pairing: Lee Seokmin x reader Genre: angst Summary: Marriage isn’t everything, of course. It doesn’t matter as long as you love each other. That’s what you tell each other. But at the same time, the realization that you no longer feel excited over something that felt so right not too long ago broke something inside of you. Word count: 1.6k A/N: @hanniedream ♡

There’s always that one person who remains in the back of your mind, constant and uninvited presence. You might not think about them every minute of every day but somehow they’re always there. All it takes is a flutter of butterfly’s wings and they take over your thoughts. 

Seokmin’s that person for you. Always has been.

He’s always been around, stuck in your orbit, for the better part of your lives. As long as you can remember. And maybe that’s the issue.

“This isn’t going anywhere,” you sigh, your shoulders slumping under the weight of the unresolved conflict. You rub your eyes, as if that can stop the tears from pooling in them.

“You always say that lately,” Seokmin sniffles on the opposite side of the couch. His eyes are red and wide and filled with sadness that only translates as unfulfilled expectations and blame in your mind. He looks so small, like you’re back at school again and he skinned his knee running towards you to meet you a second earlier. 

“Because that’s how it is,” you shrink into yourself. You hate not being in control, hence you hate this. He tries to compensate for you pulling back by opening up. As if lowering his walls ever ended up with him not getting hurt. 

“There has to be a way,” he tries to smile and instead breaks into a sob, “There has to be something.”

The silence that follows is the loudest and clearest answer he could’ve gotten.

The unchanged normalcy of your day to day lives is the worst part. Seokmin still kisses you goodnight and holds you tight through the night. He still kisses you before he leaves in the morning, even if you’re pretending to be fast asleep to avoid him. You make dinner together, you talk and you laugh. You make love. It’s just the elephant in the room is always watching you. You try to get better at ignoring it, no matter how much it grows. 

Don’t fix what’s not broken. Maybe that’s the advice you should follow but honestly, how can you tell when the heart is too damaged. At what point is love not enough? At what point is love, well, what even is it?

The pictures on the wall stare at you with more expectations that you can’t meet. Your younger selves look happy  - they are. Forever ten, fifteen, seventeen, twenty… Forever frozen in the bliss of easier times, drunk and crazy in love. They feel like pictures of the more successful family members that you compare yourself with whether you want to or not. 

And worst of all - the small box resting on the shelf under them. The velvet surface is deep blue and clean, not a speck of dust on it. Between you and Seokmin, you wonder who ran their fingers over the surface more times. Like a manifestation of the lump in your throat when you’re about to cry, like the heavy uneasy feelings in the pit of your stomach, it’s there.

It’s mocking you.

Unlike all the other objects of worship, symbols of good luck, you wonder if this velvet box is actually cursed. It’d be easier to accept than the reality.

Today is another silent day. The type of silence that stretches before the storm. You’re both too tired of fighting, so it’s easier not to say anything. It’s hard to breathe in the stifling atmosphere of the kitchen filled only with the buzzing of the fridge and the lunch bubbling on the stove. 

There’s tension in Seokmin’s shoulders that never used to be there before, one you feel in your own shoulders as well. You stretch, trying to ease it away without result. He notices, though, and approaches you carefully. The whole situation would be easier if you’d get nervous when he stands behind you, if you hated it when he gently puts his hands over your shoulders and starts massaging you.

The food keeps bubbling, the fridge keeps buzzing, the clock keeps ticking. You wonder what’s the difference between now and a year ago. This exact scene could unfold then too, but you’d remember it with love, none of the awkwardness of the present time to be found.

“Let’s not fight today, yeah?” he whispers suddenly. His voice betrays the vulnerability he feels and you know yours would too, so you just nod. There’s not much to say on the topic that hasn’t been said before.

Still you turn towards the wall in the living room. From this angle you can’t see your smiling faces but the little velvet box is impossible to miss. Seokmin turns too, his hands squeezing a little too hard for a fraction of a second before he apologizes and turns his head away again. You follow.

If that thing never came into your life, would you still be happy?

You wonder which of the yous smiling on the wall would be overjoyed, truly excited, bouncing with joy, if only Seokmin dropped to one knee before them. If he presented the velvet box to them instead of the you of the present. It doesn’t matter, of course, seeing as it’s never going to happen in this reality, but you’d truly like to know when was it that the right time has passed without either of you noticing.

It’s always been like that, you think. You’ve always taken too long, driving yourselves crazy with possibilities despite the truth about your feelings being obvious to everyone else. The official start of your relationship itself must’ve been delayed for years at least, precisely because Seokmin couldn’t believe you loved him, because you were unsure if he feels the same.

What else is there to expect of the proposal in such a case? 

You’ve talked about it, again and again. Planned, dreamed, laughed and cried and kicked your feet together in excitement. Your eyes used to spark with life and love just casually mentioning that yeah, one day you’ll get married. 

But dreams are not reality and talk is cheap. Somehow it just never happened. 

One day, the spark was just gone. You can’t say if it happened slowly over time or if the realization hit you like a train, but you do remember the look on Seokmin’s face when suddenly upon mentioning married life he didn’t beam like he discovered the secret to eternal happiness. He looked like his soul was crushed. He looked at you for help, begging for you to help him make sense of it, but you were too shocked, too caught up in processing your own emotions.

And from then on, it’s been a downward spiral of misery.

Yet as hard as it was to navigate your feelings, it’s much harder to navigate the aftermath. Where do you go from a situation like that?

Marriage isn’t everything, of course. It doesn’t matter as long as you love each other. That’s what you tell each other, that’s what you know to be the objective truth. But at the same time, the realization that you no longer feel excited over something that felt so right not too long ago broke something inside you, inside of Seokmin, and you don’t know how to deal with the fallout. And then of course there’s the symbolism of spending the rest of your lives together, of belonging to one another, and the butterflies in your stomach don’t wake from their slumber for that? You think that hurts more than anything.

“Do you… Do you want to stay together?” 

It takes more effort than it should to get the words out and his voice breaks in the middle, tears again falling down his cheeks. You’re so tired. So worn down and exhausted that you feel yourself tearing up too.

“More than anything,” you answer honestly. You don’t even need to think about it, it comes to you as simply as breathing. And for once, you don’t let the doubt creep in. You can’t think about whether it’s what you really feel in your heart or if it’s easier to stick to what you know. Not now when you’re so tired you’re ready to drop. 

“Then what do we do?” Seokmin sniffles, and for once it’s him who approaches the problem realistically, “We can’t go on like this.”

You take a deep breath and let it out slowly. He’s right. And yet you wish he wasn’t. It’s so confusing. Everything feels alright and yet nothing does.

“Is there anything to do?” you shake your head. 

“I love you,” he blurts out, as if that solves anything. His eyes look at you with desperation that matches the look he wore on that fateful day.

The day he pulled out the velvet box. The day he dropped to his knees because he was too unsteady on just one of them. The gesture was meant to save you, but it seems it only set you up for disaster. You weren’t happy, your heart rushed with anxiety, and he-

“I love you too,” you say quickly. Anything to chase away the memory of that day. “But we need to fix this.”

He nods his head solemnly. He opens his mouth and closes it again. He knows just as well as you do that this is the exact point you’ll start running in circles again. You need to do something but it feels like there’s nothing that you can do, you can’t control your hearts. The issue is too big, the hurt is too deep for you to solve it on your own, yet you want to. You’ve always tackled everything together, just you and him against the world.

Seokmin stays quiet while he sits next to you and carefully takes both of your hands in his. His thumb runs over your fingers, trying to comfort you, trying to ground himself.

All you feel is the emptiness on your ring finger.

The same emptiness that fills the velvet box taunting you from the shelf under the history of you and him.

[lollytea]

I was looking at reddit comments about Carol & The End Of the World and I got so frustrated with people completely misinterpretating what the show was about and hating on Carol because they found her unrelatable. Or "her monotone voice is annoying". The show itself wasn't perfect and I was a little unsatisfied with the ending but I loved it so much for the premise and the choice to focus on a character like Carol. It's a really unique angle.

The world will end in six months and everyone on earth has gone carpe diem mode and are living out their wildest dreams. They're partying, they're rioting, they're traveling the world, they're eloping, they're having orgies, they're picking up new daring hobbies, they're doing all these crazy hedonistic things that life has never given them the opportunity to do until now.

And Carol, poor Carol. Carol's parents are worried about her because she has not felt inclined to do anything like that. It's just not how she wants to live. Carol is quiet, she's awkward, she gets overwhelmed at parties. So intense doomsday chaos is not her scene at all. She finds peace in normalcy and routine. Simple things like a boring desk job and grocery shopping and doing laundry and eating at her favourite restaurant are what make Carol happy.

But when society has collapsed, all sense of structure has gone with it. So she has to hunt to find meaning in a way that suits her own personality.

And is she not entitled to finding joy during the end times on her own terms?

Carol has also felt unfulfilled in her life. But not because she's disliked the rigid routine she has built for herself, but because her socially awkward demeanour has prevented her from really connecting with other people. She's lonely. She's 42 years old and she doesn't really have anyone that she feels she can open up to.

The show is about Carol's tiny victories and her own spin on seizing the day on a much smaller scale than the rest of the world. She doesn't need to travel. She doesn't need to find the love of her life. She doesn't need to jump out of a plane. Maybe all she needs in order to feel whole is a few close friends that she can bake banana bread for. All she wants is the calmness of routine and the warmth and reliability of friends. She doesn't want to feel alone anymore. Carol's desires are simple and mundane, and she might be judged for not choosing to live a little louder when the clock is ticking down. But it's what will make her happy. Is that not beautiful? I think it's very beautiful.

[inseparabiles]

Hi sorry i havent gotten into yalls fic yet bcs im too busy but trust I will read it n finish it when yall do. tbh m still a bit bummed about no further twincest (havent read it yet so im assuming it’s mild). Cant we get (1) handjob and a few making out scenes for em? 🤧🙏 WJFHDJDJ

Ah anyway no qualms here, pls do what u want. Lucius/Ravi is yummy. Some GetaCaraLucius is lovely too. U gotta include Cara if ever bcs he doesnt like being left out

Anon man you're such a treat honestly. What's one handjob for a bro in a tight spot? Honestly though I'm not sure if mild is the word I'd use, there's a lot that's fucked up with the two of them in ways that like... genuinely make tagging/audience targeting for the fic a nightmare. There are SUCH scenes in there that like. I don't know man spoiler but

genuinely a scene they just casually get horny together over a shared fantasy and the only line drawn is parting before the getting off happens.

IS THAT REGULAR? According to the six dudes I spent a year living with when I was 15, yes, but none of them were twins. (Brojobs were too just as a btw, but again, not twins lmao.) And frankly I don't think ANYONE reading a fic for platonic sibling dynamics is going to be like ah yes this is par for the course. Does that justify the /?

What about when Calla's also constantly getting off over hurting Geta. Like it might not be explicitly directed, intended to be sexual, does that change what's happening? Not ONE bit. And yes that's because he's fundamentally broken in ways that can't be course-corrected, and yes Geta's perpetually trying to draw these lines between them but he's failing almost as much as he's trying because at the end of the day he's just as damaged as Calla is, just the ways differ.

IS THIS PLATONIC? What's more important, intent or the bigger picture? The bigger picture or its details? Geta wants them to be normal, Cara's too far gone to put distinctions, which just puts more weight on Geta's shoulders to be drawing the lines, and drawing the lines digs so deep into his own needs that he keeps caving back in. They do things together that aren't socially acceptable. The way that they're close when no one's watching and even honestly when people are is actively raising Lucilla's hackles because she's been there and that's too close for comfort. But for all that it is, in that sinking ship of Calla's mental state and Geta's attempts at holding onto any semblance of normalcy, they're still trying to be what they were as children, and that never crossed the line. Even now, it would not be crossing any lines if it wasn't for Calla's significant mental decline. His blurred grip of reality and the devastation his condition's wrought on his judgement and inhibitions are single-handedly dragging Geta down with him for all his own vulnerability and unfulfilled needs.

Again, IS THIS PLATONIC? Mild allusions to incest is not it, but it's also... not that. There's symptoms and there's vulnerability and there's the will to keep each other safe, even when that's from themselves. And the knowledge that should they just let the lines go altogether, they would both be so fundamentally hurt for it there would not be any coming back from that. For all of Calla's lack of caring of how his actions look or play out or how he's seeking pleasure, if Geta would actually reciprocate even one bit of the degree of push that he's giving him, he'd go catatonic out of fear, there's no actual consent or will there to be found. What he does to Geta is a one-way street of personal gratification solely because it's safe and loving at the end of the day, even when what he gives into it is pain and abuse. Geta, on the other hand, might experience a fleeting sense of euphoria for finally letting go of all of it at once, all the responsibility and worry and grief and legitimately just saying fuck it all to hell, but he'd come out the other side someone who can't live with who he's become and what he's done and what's been broken for it.

IS THAT PLATONIC?

This fucking thing is a nightmare because of how fundamentally damaged these people are.

ANYWAY YEAH LUCIUS/RAVI IS SO GOOD MAN and I'll present this concept to Caracalla and Lucius over a fine dinner but I have no idea if either of them would have the slightest interest in participation. Honestly Cara might just because like you say he'd NOT want to be left out, but you get weird results for a relationship like that and Lucius is way too we'll-adjusted still to be dragged into whatever the hell is going on here. Maybe some wine will ease up the inhibitions on that end, I don't know, but like. Getting anybody but Geta to see anything good in Caracalla has taken us 120 000 words but if we can do that with Lucilla, maybe we can do it with Lucius, too, lol.

No but seriously some of the stuff we have vaguely in store for Lucius and Calla are stinking cute. That's something we're looking forwards to for sure lmao.

[aro-bird]

There's something just so frustrating with the aro and ace communities with people either constantly focusing on getting relationships or trying to find some sort of replacement for allo relationships. It's not directly said, but a lot of posts comes with it the implication that QPRs are a way to replace allosexual alloromantic relationships.

On one hand, I get it. It's a different way of experiencing relationships from what is expected of our allonormative and amatonormative society and that's absolutely revolutionary to redefine what is a committed relationship based on your own terms in a completely aspec way, but I do think there should be some self-reflection here. There's a lot of people just yearning for a partner whether it be a queer platonic one or otherwise or people venting about how they want a relationship so bad or how they'll forever be alone because they're aro and/or ace or within the aspec and it's honestly such a downer to see so many aspec people who are upset with simply being aspec.

Why do you want a qpr or any kind of partnership exactly? Do you truly want to pursue a relationship because it's your authentic desire to be with someone or do you only want a relationship to try to achieve a sort of acceptable normalcy to the rest of society? Are you truly unfulfilled unless you have a live-in partner that would support you in similar ways as a marriage or are you simply responding to amatonormative expectations?

I guess this is one of the tougher questions that aspecs have to deal with and it doesn't help that existing as a single person in society is deemed as weird, strange, and even lonely. It also doesn't help that society is actively harder to live in as a single individual in a practical way as well seeing as single-income households struggle to meet basic needs. That isn't even getting into how much amatonormativity is such an inescapable force that makes it extremely hard to unlearn.

I guess for anyone still reading this, try to reflect. Is getting a partner really what you want for yourself or is it simply a desire to fulfill amatonormative expectations?

[edwardsissyhandsthtdanceslikeabb]

im high pls dont make me name my batjokes meta

this post may be implicit/common knowledge, but having not seen much discourse around the mechanics of batjokes' dynamic compels me to catalog. there's sm to unpack here, so excuse lapses in structure or flow.

first off and most importantly, joker's battle with bruce is an existential one, he wants to justify himself in the eyes of his maker, his reshaper, whose perpetual control and prowling enabled, and ultimately exposed, the failure of his veneer of heroism and ability/adeptness, and birthed a distillation of that failure. the failure to circumvent criminality and violence, continually indulging retaliative brutality and unresolved anger, edging catharsis in assuming a protective and dominant role as to compensate for his loss and pantomime vicarious past reclamation and authority. constantly stagnant, incessantly unfulfilled, an everlasting outburst if you will, addressing not his material conditions but feeding his metaphysical ones. joker moulds himself around bruce's worldview, concerning himself with the salvation eternally eluding bruce, achievable through the violence that birthed batman and reinvented joker in turn.

this is a dialectical affliction, one desperate in nature, to validate that he wasn’t a mistake, a deviancy, to prove that a singular, perhaps seemingly insignificant element can transform anyone, unchain them, and joker refuses alternatives because batman forever dances, is forever chained by both his insistence on normalcy, but also his neglect of it. joker wants foremost, to matter to his creator, to break perfunctory monotony and elicit true understanding and oneness, have his existence be purposeful and intentioned, proving himself worthy, the one that finally cracks the elusive figure and chiefly, achieves ordainment in the eyes of his saviour — embrace, his personhood returned to his creator’s hands as to ascend batman into godhood, inextricably coalescing them.

it’s a labour of love, devotion, joker truly loves THe BaTmaN, bleeds and lives and offers up gothamite sacrifices as to resuscitate his vacancy, bless him with unadulterated purpose, validate the meaningless of the earthly. ultimately, batjokes are cyclical, that: from ash you were birthed and to ash you shall return, sh1t. what confuses that however, is how dialectical they are (as aforementioned), they embody a yin & yang dynamic after all. however, ultimately, joker wants to birth the batman who laughs [like when you think about it — batman realizing joker's philosophy and transcending humanity], to eliminate bruce's restraint and contradictory morality as to, ironically, create a pure, militant reaper encompassing gotham's brutality and abandon. joker is fighting for gotham's soul in more ways than one, on the physical level — crippling its normative function, inundating it with senseless violence, and on a metaphysical level, fighting for its symbol of order and constraint, someone who arose as an abstract embodiment of gotham's institutional enforcement, a distillation of authoritative fear, gotham’s punitive restrictiveness, the abstraction of otherworldly, insurmountable power, an inverted reflection of the very thing bruce is and was unable to overcome, aiming to strip them of their defences as to coax their primality, a violent denuding as to be sculpted anew, the same enlightenment he was afforded. to be broken so thoroughly that you become pure. to shatter pretence and baptize gotham, or its seemingly intractable moral paragon, in hedonistic freedom, uniting them with his gory rebirth. and joker, with this hedonistic perspective, recognizes that capacity in batman, recognizes it as his truth as one who was born from that brutality and violence and continues to endure it, seeing it as the purest form of expression and the underlying nature of existence.

he glamorizes his own death at the hands of the one who rebirthed him bc it will rebirth his creator in turn, allowing him to fully embody his godhood. it will afford the joker true meaning — once again my metas coming back to the struggle for existence but universal themes gonna universe [with the melody] — however, bc of the dialectics of batjokes, the struggle is a testament to their bond, it’s a seduction, a courtship, its authenticity and potency dictated by scale and intensity (aka their Stockholm is mad), the commitment to enduring joker’s forcible conversions, and foremost, to joker martyring himself to batman’s perpetual aggrieved ministrations, the irony in trying to fix someone through cruelty, conflict everlasting in one’s subjugating machinations. the more joker seizes, the further his cost sinks. bruce becomes steadily entrapped with and by the one person who can never leave him, the magnitude of those around him continually strained against the joker, the onus to humanize a sadistic, inhumane murderer forever ballooning. joker’s mortality, his humanity becoming further pathologized, his undying ceaselessness a type of consolation, a mark on bruce’s own consciousness, to save the one person forever bound to him, justifying his heroism and the incongruity between them, the fundamentalist moral dividing them: do not kill. batman's consideration, thusly, is birthed from a deep resentment, the flagellation of abstinence, maintaining the one thing delineating human from unfeeling instrument [of violence]. that resentment festering into a neurotic sort of dependency, joker acting as his NorthStar of morality, subsuming his sense of self, entrancing and ensnaring him. without the joker, batman is slowly cannibalized, unable to exist. whatever, i’m tired. this better be good enough cause its going up either way.

to conclude, this song [pay for it by jeff and the mindful selfless chastites]

encompasses batjokes perfectly. the eternal struggle, the damned position and conundrum batjokes find themselves saddled with, their respective lives being their sort of penance, an inability to ever truly connect without eliminating the other, love transmorphed into a twisted, destructive passion disinterested in its untainted iteration and consequently further estranging them.

(there was another song too but i forgor 🤷🏿‍♂️ [AN: not bc i was high, i could not conceive of this high)

[kingofanemptyworld]

it’s missing nobara hours once again and I am near tears thinking about one of the worst fates ever bestowed on fictional characters: the tragedy of unfulfilled dreams and a life cut short.

you could obviously make the argument that most fictional deaths hit that mark — they don’t make it to the end of the narrative, so there have to be goals they never accomplished. and in jujutsu kaisen you definitely have a number of characters suffering that specific tragedy. but! There are two characters who I think embody it more than most of the others (particularly the more recent deaths, because, ugh, that’s a whole other beast of a thought and I won’t be getting into it here).

anyway. nobara and nanami. that’s who I’m talking about.

so, I’m excluding junpei from this for a few reasons. his death is horrible and cruel, he was too young, mahito took advantage of his trauma and turned him into a weapon against his friend. he dies without really being able to make amends with itadori or avenging his mom. absolutely a tragedy. but we don’t know junpei for very long, right? he’s confined to his arc (and the first opening goddamn that was mean of them) and he’s largely never mentioned again outside of it.

nobara, on the other hand. we meet her in episode 3 and she’s there throughout the rest of the first and second season. she’s also brought up again in the manga, if only briefly. we also get a very clear idea of her personal goals from the very beginning. we don’t know all the details of her relationship with saori, but we know she’s why nobara came to Tokyo, and by extension why she became a jujutsu sorcerer in the first place. nobara’s character is driven primarily by this one goal to escape her hostile, closed-minded town and reunite with this childhood friend. later on we come to understand exactly what this friend means to her but from day one we have a pretty good idea of what nobara wants and what she’s willing to do to get it.

it’s not the only important thing to her, not after she spends time with itadori and fushiguro and the second years (maki in particular). she makes new friends and they fill up the chairs in her life and she wants to protect them, physically and emotionally. but the common thread that runs through her entire arc — which is further revealed in season 2 in her flashbacks — is meeting saori again. her, fumi, and saori, back together for the first time in years. that’s what she wants. it’s one of her last thoughts. and she dies knowing she’ll never see either of them again.

tbh I’m almost crying writing this out, can you tell I experience genuine grief over her death?

but you get the point.

now, nanami is a slightly different breed of tragedy for me. he’s older, an adult although not old. we also get some idea of what drives him in season 1, which is reinforced in the hidden inventory arc in season 2: he wants to do something meaningful, something that actually helps people rather than the soul-sucking corporate bullshit he did before, and he wants to protect the next generation of jujutsu sorcerers. knowing what happened to haibara explains how protective he is of itadori, maki, nobara, and fushiguro in both seasons. and that very sweet interaction he has with the bakery woman, who definitely wants him to come by again. we have no idea if he ever did, or if he totally closed that chapter of his life and never went back. either way, it’s a lingering regret of it, I assume. maybe not for that woman specifically but for the normalcy he gave up to return to the sorcerer world.

and his actual death confirms that: nanami wanted to rest, but he wasn’t able to let go of what he learned to do, eradicating curses to save people. to make a difference. so he can’t rest, he sets that goal aside, and he doubles down on protecting the youth.

cue that heartbreaking scene of him seeing itadori for the last time and, going against his better judgement, entrusting itadori — young, inexperienced itadori who he promised to protect with his life because that’s what adults are supposed to do — to continue the fight in his stead. he doesn’t want to, the reluctance comes through loud and clear. but he does. and in doing so he knows he’s damning itadori to more tragedy and more heartbreak.

the more defined the goal, the more we feel its presence throughout the narrative, the more gut-wrenching it is to know these characters failed to achieve what they wanted most in the world.

these two are also especially tragic to me because neither of them really shared these goals with anyone that we know of. maybe nanami spoke with ino, or, less likely, gojo. maybe nobara did tell itadori and fushiguro about fumi and saori in full detail. but we really don’t know for sure. nobara doesn’t ask itadori to find saori with her final words, nanami doesn’t tell him about haibara or the bakery woman. these were quiet, personal goals they kept close to their hearts. which just makes everything so much more viscerally sad to me.

[flintism]

thinking also about the end of AF and i think it’s interesting that in the “what were we” scene at the end of the book fitz says that his & nighteye’s relationship was a simple thing and that they were simple beings whereas the fool is complex and full of convoluted ideas. one of the main things fitz seeks when it comes to molly is the normalcy she represents - a life devoid of court intrigues and assassinations - but she also embodies a simple life. when fitz longs for molly and the simplicity/normalcy she embodies he is, metaphorically speaking, longing for the simplicity/normalcy of a heterosexual life whereas the fool with his complexity and his landscape “full of secrets” embodies a queerness that keeps scaring fitz. and the thing is, fitz gets to have his simple heterosexual life for 25 years but it’s never truly his life is it? he needs to assume another identity in order to be able to live it and there are aspects of that life that leave him unfulfilled (the fool’s absence being the most obvious one) 

now, one of the main themes of the last trilogy is death and, more specifically, how you want to die should you be given the choice. fitz has died over and over again over the course of the past 7 books and in FQ and AQ he mentions several times that he’d like to die/is feeling suicidal now that molly is dead and that bee is gone. then for a short time after regaining bee he wants to live again, it’s the infamous “and we will live happily ever after?” “that is my intention” bit of dialogue between fitz & the fool but those books being what they are it doesn’t last. fitz almost dies a first time and has to decide what he wants to do before dying & decides to give all the strength he has left to the fool. he almost goes with him where he’d be “home” and “a whole thing” but that would mean living inside the fool’s body and taking something away from the fool and he can’t do that. 

this first death doesn’t last and he has to do it all over again & this time he decides to carve a wolf/dragon. here, there’s a really interesting line from the fool who asks fitz “you did not really think you would be allowed to die privately, did you?” and that, to me, contrasts directly with a thought fitz has a few chapters earlier when he wishes he could have died in his and molly’s bed. all his life fitz dreamed of a simple life with molly and it makes sense that he would also dream of having a simple death and that this dream of a simple death is linked to molly. but as i said before that simple life wasn’t really his, he could only have it because he wasn’t himself anymore, and now that he is fitzchivalry farseer again this dream is once more unattainable. what’s left to him is a public death or public “going into a stone wolf for eternity” and he tries to do it alone because until the very end he’s afraid of being rejected by the fool even though he wants nothing more than to finally embrace what they have. and it’s in part why i love that final scene before they go in the wolf so much, it’s not only an acknowledgement of what the fool means to fitz and what they mean to each other it’s also a public acknowledgement of it when fitz has spent so much time being afraid of embracing it. and everyone fitz holds dear (and who is still alive to be there) witnesses him finally becoming whole/himself  

[sethshead]

The big issue I have with “Star Trek: Picard” is this: why did he have to be shrunk? Can’t someone prefer their (awe-inspiring and galaxy-altering) work without it being emblematic of sublimated trauma or a character flaw? Some people prefer transient relationships with those whom they know will move on to another assignment over long-term intimate relationships. Some people just aren’t cut out to be partner and parent material, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

In a way then, “Star Trek: Picard” was deeply regressive. It had to “fix” Picard with some Dickensian therapy in order to make the character conform to a more domesticated ideal. It’s everything we complain about in Hallmark movies!

Certainly, many do long for that traditional normalcy and simply don’t know how to overcome our stumbling blocks to achieve it. But that’s not everyone, and I think Picard ended the TNG movies just fine as someone well suited to being a father figure to many, less so to just one. And if intimacy was his struggle, why did the character need to be cured? Why couldn’t he go out slightly unfulfilled, unactualized, wanting? Isn’t that more human than is closing his book with too perfect a storybook happy ending?

[deathfavor]

@ofsavior said: Headcanon prompt: What would it take for Kazutora to actually find happiness in life? Are there any key components missing in his life that make him feel unfulfilled? Or is his baggage really the weight that holds him down?

Amnesia. I'm only partially kidding. His baggage really is what holds him down and I don't think he can find it in himself to let it go. He can loosen his hold, but never fully let go because especially as far as he knows, he never knew anything about Kisaki or Hanma or any of that. It's not even just everything that happened with Bloody Halloween; it's everything with his parents, its everything with spending the majority of his life in juvie / prison. Kazutora was dealt an absolutely abysmal hand in life, and he misplayed the one good thing he had. I think Kazutora will always have a hard time. Not to say he doesn't have times of being happy because he definitely has those! He can enjoy aspects of life and trips and moments and things like that. But in the broad picture, there's always sorrow and guilt and struggles that he carries with him no matter where he goes. It's not about being unfulfilled.

Even in Bonten which is one of the 'best' endings, we see how easy and wiling Kazutora is to throw himself headfirst into danger again. He's self-destructive at his core and he DOESN'T have that connection with Toman or anyone really that the others do. Other characters have each other or Mikey or Takemichi or all of the above to put their dreams and hopes into ; Kazutora never has that. He was in jail for everything that created stronger ties and memories between other characters which leaves him extremely isolated other than for Chifuyu. At fifteen he admitted in two years his information as outdated about anyone other than Baji, let alone ten years. He also doesn't have the dreams other do. There's no dream path for him - a mix of his home life situation and the fact he keeps ending up back in juvie making it seem pointless during formative years.

He struggles to find a spot where he can feel he properly fits in to a normalcy he doesn't know or understand. He doesn't have the skills or ability to connect the same way others do. He never has, but add in the trauma plus habits picked up in prison to survive and it creates a struggle for him. Like i said, he does enjoy things in life, but he can't put the baggage down.

[kiealer]

@likeadragcn asked:

"Oh Ninazu, I wanted to thank you for lending me a hand with Trunks these days. His training's actually going smoothly, I also heard the two of you often visit my mother. How is she either way?" The hand thing was not meant as a pun to describe his 'predicament' but something directly from the heart. There were some conflicting thoughts about visiting his mother and grandfather, oh his heart aches to see them again but..he still has a job to do and couldn't dare face them with it being unfulfilled.

❝It's not a problem, I'm happy to do it.❞ Her voice is soft, almost sorrowful, though she tries to maintain normalcy. Weeks upon weeks had passed since her return, since she'd first discovered Gohan in this state. A large part of her heart had yet to recover, and certainly neither had the guilt that seeps deeply beneath her skin, burrowing and nesting, making a comfortable home for itself where it remained in her bleeding heart. The last thing she wants to appear as is weak or regretful in Gohan's presence, though she finds it harder day after day to pretend that everything is alright. Interacting with Trunks has been one of the few helpful distractions, so she was more than happy to attend to him as needed.

❝Oh, she's been alright…❞ The question admittedly surprises her, although it shouldn't. He hadn't seen his mother in ages, and she was well aware of this fact. This also hurt her, having seen ChiChi herself recently and able to see how his absence has affected her. ❝But she misses you terribly. I understand why you haven't seen her in awhile, but… you should consider visiting. I'm sure she wants to hear how you're doing from your own mouth rather than mine or Trunks'.❞

[plusultranumber1]

My Thoughts on Genshiken EP 1, 2, 3, 9

This anime was definitely an interesting watch. The anime plays heavily on the Otaku portrayal and stereotypes, and provides commentary on the perceptions of the group amongst its members and from outsiders. The series focuses on the fandom and social interactions of the Genshiken club, a group of college students who are passionate about their hobbies, and most importantly, being Otaku. The first few episodes follow Kanji Sasahara, a freshman looking to get involved in his college clubs. Upon choosing the Genshiken club, Sasahara is engrossed in the Otaku culture. The series focuses on the social dynamics of the Otaku culture, and analyzes the blurred line between passion and unhealthy obsession.

The series goes out of its way to fully represent the Otaku culture in its fullness, with socially awkward geeks who obsessively critique and consume every form of Japanese anime, manga, and video game. It also analyzes the ways in which the group strays away from the traditional societal values. A prime example of this is the relationship between Kasukabe and Kohsoka. Kasukabe tries to send out all the normal signals to Kohsoka to tell him her feelings, but he does not pick up on them, and instead would rather fulfill his craving for his passion rather than spend time with her. Although she initially feels that the group’s obsession is unhealthy and that something must be wrong with them, she seeks to learn more about the Otaku culture to better understand them and attempts to join in on their passion. This shifting dynamic could be a small example of a society changing to adapt to the minority. 

One of the main topics in the first few episodes is the exploration of the erotic nature of the Otaku culture and its larger effects on the psyche of individuals within the group. One of the first things Sasahara notices when he enters the club’s room is the massive collection of erotic magazines and figurines they’ve collected. He also happens to have interests in erotic video games. The series plays to the stereotype of exaggerated fetishizing that society associates with Otaku culture. When Kusakabe confronts the group over their preferences to different forms of erotic media, they clarify that although their preferences are a little out there, they are still interested in normal women, and equate their preferences to how abstract images allow humans to see something else with their imagination. However, the side effects of their passion also leads them to be remarkably socially awkward when not discussing their hobby. In the episode where Madarame is stuck in a room with Kusakabe, he suffers a nervous breakdown just in her presence. His inner dialogue and conscience struggle to maintain any semblance of normalcy. He wishes social interactions were like a video game with clear choices, or like an anime where he is a suave protagonist. However, reality is often disappointing. It is clear that although the Otaku lifestyle is not inherently unfulfilling or unhealthy, a little dose of reality and real-world interactions would not hurt. 

[basedandradpilled]

very sad to let adherence to normalcy be the driving force in your life! must be very unfulfilling i wonder how many hours you lie awake at night thinking about missed opportunities and regrets. i wonder how often you have to rely on your little bigot buds for any fleeting source of hollow joy day to day. is that really a life worth living? pathetic.

wtf are u talking about bestie i dont even attempt to seem normal. there is a big leap between being a non-normie and joking abt drinking your friend’s breast milk, which i shouldn’t have to explain to you.

anyways as far as relying on fellow radfems for joy, i don’t feel that way personally, but some women do find a much more joyful and fulfilling life interacting solely with likeminded women. that’s separatism babe!

[whatevermakesyoubreak]

she’s not *quite* a shapeshifter, but this was me when i gave my oc the ability to copy other ppl’s abilities, but only after understanding how they work— so that she literally needs to connect with, get close to, and depend on other people.

only to be cursed by the fact that she can’t truly relate to any of them because she doesn’t fucking know who she is & her nature, combined with her trauma has turned her into a callous and overly solipsistic individual.

so— her whole life— she’s just there. born slightly defective, never quite having a real, positive emotional reaction to anything— only a base level of irritation and boredom— any chance at normalcy only further destroyed by her upbringing. but, she’s intelligent enough to know that’s not normal.

she grows up constantly watching other people in order to know what to do and how to act. participating, but not understanding. surrounded by people she has nothing in common with and who don’t know, care about, or understand her.

as an adult, she’s always been so focused on just staying alive, she hasn’t had the chance to find out who she is, and her ability only reflects this in her personality as well, giving her an inherent selfishness and the almost pervasive need to take, take, take, but no matter what, it’s never enough.

she’s always unfulfilled, and she doesn’t know why. she’s done everything she can to be the strongest she can be— to be accepted by her family (lol), to excel in her career, to be alive— and it’s backfired, leaving her with nothing but a weakness that she’s aware of, but she can’t understand or explain. but, that doesn’t align with the way she thinks she should be feeling— she’s young, she’s beautiful, strong, rich, etc. she shouldn’t feel like anything is missing, right?

every minute of every day is an oscar award winning performance. she puts up a sweet and friendly facade which is so, so contradictory to how she truly feels, it’s actually slowly driving her insane with how hollow it leaves her feeling. now, she’s hateful. she’s angry. she wants to be seen. she wants to be understood. but, she refuses to show herself, because there is no true self. like a child, she acts out— dramatic, glib, and near histrionic— in an attempt to force those emotions and connections— to feel like an actual person.

so, it’s no wonder that when one person actually resonates with her, makes her feel something, and coincidentally treats her with something close to acceptance & respect— even after seeing a glimpse of the ugliness underneath— she latches on to him so fiercely there’s no way she’s not leaving him with claw marks, no matter how gentle she tries to be. she’s so attached that she would crawl inside his skin and live there if she could. she’s desperate. she’s grasping. she’s lonely. he sees that. part of him feels validated by that. it makes him feel seen. it makes him feel wanted. it makes him feel like there’s a point in him being alive. she wants connection and love, but isn’t emotionally intelligent enough to understand that. neither is he. so, what could once have been genuine love is somewhat tainted, twisted into obsession and possession, because something is there— oh, my god, something is there between them— and they’re both aware of it, but they can’t quite put their finger on what it is. so, they do the only thing they know how to do in a situation like this— consume. and, ultimately, that’s the healthiest way it all could’ve ended up for her given the way they are. their relationship is a coin-flip, a true-or-false question, a butterfly effect— if one thing had gone differently the first time they met, they’d unquestionably have killed each other. they’re extremely compatible, but they can’t change each other or grow as people together. they can just remain content, but stagnant in who they are, and after lives of constant turbulence, they’re okay with that. they’re happy with that.

even though she’s not sad at all, i think it’s still sad. the tragedy of lira is being self aware enough to know that something is wrong, but not self aware enough to know what it is, and being too apathetic to truly fix it or care. so, you’re always looking at life through a veil of dissatisfaction, you don’t know yourself, but you inadvertently repeat cycles and cling to your toxicity like a lifeline because it’s the only thing you do know and that feels comfortable. finding comfort in chaos when it never had to be that way in the first place.

Shapeshifter characters are so inherently tragic and i eat that shit up every time. I fucking LOVE when a character's sense of identity hinges upon being anyone but themself. Like yesssss babygirl struggle with your identity as an individual person and not just a reflection of others youre so sexy haha