#about Alex's trust issues and his abandonment issues and how a lot of his self worth issues are fundamentally tied to his parents' divorce

[agreatandhonorablesoldier]

alex being a child of divorce is fundamental in his character development, in how he approaches life and his relationship with henry and changing it for the movie was a misstep and in the essay I will

[adlbeay]

I wanted to talk about the themes in the Walk in the Dust event. The story of Arknights has always had a high level of thematic consistency, but it’s especially prominent in this event. I feel like a lot of the discussion of the story in certain places comes down to “lore” and surface-level plot details, so I wanted to get this out there somewhere.

The two big ideas that are covered in Walk in the Dust are that of revenge and the homeland. Let's talk about revenge first. Long post and story spoilers under the cut.

In the beginning, we are introduced to Elliot, aka Passenger, who by the time we meet him, is an aimless husk of a man. He is utterly empty inside despite being the most powerful figure in the Reefsteep black  market, with vast wealth and political influence under his thumb. Having completed his decades-long quest to slay everyone who was involved in betraying his teacher, he has no more goals for his life. After killing  the Lord Ameer of Ibut, the last of his targets, he realizes that the revenge he had been pursuing was ultimately empty, that the weapons he built and the schemes he engineered to that end no longer moved him. Even the death of the Lord Ameer didn't matter one bit in the political landscape of Sargon.

As for the Sargon army... We live in different times now. The ruling  Padishahs simply care not about what is happening here in this barren  wasteland. My guess is that it matters not to them whether it's the  father or the son that's in charge. Actually, to tell the truth, it  hardly matters to me either.

Ultimately, no one cared if the Lord Ameer was murdered or simply  died in an accident, not even Elliot himself. Sargon continues to be exploited by the Columbian military and the ruling Lords. Professor Thorne remains dead. His research, once entrusted to Elliot to prevent  it from becoming a weapon of war, has nonetheless been used by Elliot  himself to bring even more death. Now, 22 years later, Passenger sees  finding Kal'tsit as his only path to salvation, so that she can once  again give him a purpose like she did when she rescued him the first time.

Folinic's mom, Lillia, also shares the same kind of story. Her husband was killed in Chernobog when the count decided to purge the researchers working on the sarcophagus device. Among the children of the families broken up by this incident are Lyudmila (later Crownslayer), Alex and Misha (later Skullshatterer), and Luisa (later Folinic). Lillia finds Kal'tsit after months of searching, intending to take revenge on  Grand Duke Vanya not just for her husband, but also for Luisa, who never got to know her father because of it. Kal'tsit tries to talk her out of  it, even during the final phases of the plan, but Lillia's mind is set.  She entrusts Kal'tsit with taking care of both Luisa and Lyudmila, as  she knows she won't be able to come back to live a normal life after  this. And... she succeeds. Although it is Kal'tsit who ultimately administered the poison, their plan works flawlessly and Duke Vanya is finally dead.

Except it still ended up being completely meaningless. The Grand Duke was in a glorified nursing home already near the end of his life, and if Kal'tsit didn't kill him then some other conspirator from the Ursus  political backstage would have done it anyway. He was already crippled and blind, and as we find out during the confrontation with the Emperor's Blade, even Kal'tsit only agreed to Lillia's plan because it  defused the conspiracies of other powerful figures who would have used  the Duke's death to spark another rebellion. The only thing that Lillia ended up accomplishing was making sure that Louisa would grow up without both a mother and a father, and Lyudmila would never get the answers she really wanted about her family's death. And, although she ended up not doing it, she was even also planning to go back to Chernobog to kill  Sergei, Alex and Misha's father, for his betrayal.

And this carries on through the future outside the event. Crownslayer ends up joining Reunion because she thinks it will give her the answers  she wants and avenge her father. Folinic almost lets her anger at Atro's death get her into a confrontation with Wolumonde. In the end, Crownslayer is stopped by Kal'tsit and Folinic is calmed down by  Suzuran, but we might be able to imagine what would have happened if  they managed to carry out their vengeance.

The theme of homeland is one that's intrinsically tied to Kal'tsit and has at least a bit of relation to the broader story outside of the event. It's harder to talk about since it's not clearly  split into individual stories like previously, but there's at least one character that exemplifies this theme the most: Old Isin.

Old Isin is appropriately to his name, old as rocks. He remembers being a servant to some lord of a long-lost city that very few even know once existed, and spends his time telling fortunes while trying to seek out people who, like him, also share that past. According to Kal'tsit, the city's people were scattered when it was destroyed, and now only Isin even remembers the origin of the name "Reefsteep". Even then, Isin only has vague memories, and believes it to be his unforgivable sin that  he has forgotten so much about the city.

Old Isin originally helps Kal'tsit and Elliot because he hopes that  she can help him remember about the lost city, and thus absolve his  "unforgivable sin". And Kal'tsit indeed does help him. Isin begins to recall the conquests of armies a thousand years ago, something even with  his age he should not have been a part of, much less remembered.  Kal'tsit dispels the illusions clouding his memory, and reveals that  what Isin remembers is only the stories that the padishah recounted to  him, that the glory of his old city was only a memory of another memory. In truth, the city in Old Isin's memory was merely a stepping stone for the padishah's ambition to conquer the uncharted deserts, and was abandoned just as easily when that campaign failed. His homeland's glory was just an illusion created in his mind by the padishah's charisma.

Which brings us to the Emperor's Blade. Wherever he stands is the dominion of the Empire of Ursus. Whatever he does carries out the Ursus Emperor's will. Or at least, that's how the Royal Guards imagine themselves, single-handedly carrying out their homeland's legacy. Kal'tsit lays it out clearly:

Kal'tsit: Tell me, what does the current Ursus Emperor think of the Pine Valley affair? Or do you mean to tell me the seeds of that uprising, the origins of the crisis were all the will of the Emperor? Feel free to keep deceiving yourself, but the truth is the young emperor is unaware of the events that transpired there. You believe he has no  need to know. You... all of you seek a bygone era. You are just caught up in the former emperor's grand vision!

As does Patriot in Chapter 8:

Patriot: I fought with your fathers. Your strength and tactical acumen are no less impressive than theirs. But you look at the Ursus of those times with rose-colored glasses. What you see is nothing more than your wild fantasies.

The Royal Guards are described in not too unclear words as soldiers  who probably believed too much of their own grandiose affect. They are unparalleled fighters, to be sure, but it isn't hard to infer that those words about executing Ursus's will and each Royal Guard being his own nation are words intended to strike fear into their enemies rather than  statements of any real truth. Indeed, if you know anything about the internal politics of Ursus, the idea of "Ursus's own will" can be seen as more of a nostalgia at a bygone era when Ursus was, or at least seemed, united in conquest under the previous Emperor. The perceived glory of their homeland is what motivates the Emperor's Blade, but like with Old Isin, the truth behind it is shaky at best.

We also have the contrast between the retired veteran at Pine Valley  and Grand Duke Vanya. While talking to Witte, the veteran cuts off one of his own fingers, claiming that the scars he has suffered in Ursus's wars, once considered symbols of his glory and honor, were ultimately meaningless, and he wants this self-inflicted wound to be his only legacy to Ursus. At the same time, the Grand Duke is postulating about how the seeds he had sown in the winter would give birth to beautiful flowers. Even though his actions and the crimes he committed never bore fruition, he is convinced even in death that Ursus's soil will bloom.

The issue of a real or imagined homeland, and its loss, is also  shared by the Sarkaz as a whole not only in this story but in the main story and many other events. It's even arguable that Rhodes Island's mission to help the Infected was originally inherited from Babel's goal of establishing a stable homeland for the Sarkaz. After all, as pointed  out in many places, the Infected and Sarkaz share much of the same discrimination.

Sarkaz Mercenary: Home...? How could us devils... us Infected possibly have one... Kal'tsit: The Sarkaz have tried to rebuild 'Kazdel', their home for centuries, though they have never succeeded. Everyone has a different idea as to what the term 'homeland' means, but as it stands right now,  Kazdel is perhaps as close as you can get to the term's original meaning.

And in Twilight of Wolumonde:

Armed Infected: We’re going home? To what home?

Mudrock: Kazdel. There may be no place for Sarkaz outside of Kazdel.  But in Kazdel, there is a place for you. Not because of tolerance. But because there is... nothing there. Kazdel... is where the homeless go. A land of rootless people.

So what does all this have to do with Kal'tsit?

In the ending cutscene, Passenger asks Kal'tsit whether this "Rhodes  Island" is yet another passing persona to be used to accomplish a goal and discarded when it's complete. Like the persona of the Trusted  Advisor, or the Servant, or the Laterano Cleric, will she abandon Rhodes  Island as well? Kal'tsit initially puts up a front saying he has no  right to ask, then bluffs about having thousands of answers, but is pushed by Passenger saying he'll even accept a lie. In one of the only times we get to see Kal'tsit faltering, she actually has no answer to this.

Unlike the other characters we see throughout the story, Kal'tsit has no homeland. No matter how fake or illusory it is, Old Isin and the Royal Guard have something to believe about a place where they can belong. The nobles in Victoria, as incompetent as they appear from the outside, are dedicated to defending the peace of their home despite having no ruler. Even the ostracized Sarkaz can ultimately go back to Kazdel, as unpleasant as that might be. But while Kal'tsit wanders the earth to keep the homelands of others from falling into chaos, she has no homeland of her own to go back to.

In one of the trailers for Chapter 9, we hear a recording from Theresa, addressed to Kal'tsit: "I hope this Rhodes Island can be a place to call home, a place you can always return to."

[lumikinetic]

Mega Spoilers She Ra S4

Under the cut!! Last chance!!

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1. Double Trouble

God I love them I love them I love them. As I said on twitter I speculated that Double Trouble was what Catra needed. A friend. Sure, Scorpia was there but she was never gonna recognise Scorpia for who she was and what she meant to Scorpia and true to form, it was only after she realised Scorpia was truly never coming back that she honestly started to miss her. But she was never going to appreciate Scorpia I think because she was too much like Adora. She shows kindness. She shows empathy and love and joy, all the things the Rebellion stands for, all the things Adora left her for and when Scorpia told her she was a bad friend and left her, like Adora did, she became a second Adora in her eyes. Another person who left. Now Double Trouble (who I've been calling Dub, first to save space on my tweets and then it just stuck), they're nothing like Adora. They're treacherous and sneaky and dirty, just like she believes herself to be, like she has to believe herself to be, because otherwise she would have to admit she's worthy of love, friendship, happiness and worthy of Adora, and so Catra feels like she can really be friends with them. She doesn't want to show it because she's still hurting from being burned before but Dub's not having that shit they pick up on it real fast and tease her about having fun. Not even beginning to delve into the genius of using Dub as a narrative device of calling everybody on their bullshit, Dub then finds Catra after her fight with Hordak and gives her the straight facts but what I really liked was they didn't say "I know there's still good in you", they said "you were never cut out to be the bad guy" like that was so smart of them. Dub's thing is that they know everyone, they know how they think and act so they know if they tell Catra she's still good (like Adora keeps saying) her abandonment issues are gonna kick in and she's gonna lose it and lash out. By telling her she wasn't cut out to be a villain, oh man where do I even start?

It's harsh, yes but maybe Catra believes she deserves harsh. If she is told she's still good, that gives hope and she's had too much false hope to ever accept that again

Because Dub can see people for who they really are, they can see Catra has been left too many times. Adora left, Scorpia left, she thought Dub left and they accurately predicted that would break her, Glimmer will return to Bright Moon at some point and I think there might be some reluctant bonding while they're in space, so Dub gave Catra an out. "Everyone else left. You can too." That's what they're really saying, I think.

Putting her down provides a new option for Catra yes, but it's still putting her down. It was mean, true but again, I think it's what Catra believes she deserves right now. And so she resigns. She collapses, defeated and when Glimmer shows up, she says she'd rather die because it's better than leaving, even if it's by her own free will. She's had enough of leaving.

Of course, Catra turns herself right around and trades Hordak in for Horde Prime, pledging her allegiance to a newer, superior, stronger Hordak but she can't unhear what Double said to her. She can't unfeel her feelings, no matter how hard she tries. And that seed will grow and grow in her mind until eventually the time will come where she's gotta make a decision - does she finally leave for herself and shed herself of the Horde or does she continue to play at being the villain, because she knows she doesn't have what it takes to be the hero?

2. Catra

Catra is a princess! Of course she's a princess! The biggest evidence, the cat that can be seen in the corner when Light Hope shows all the princesses to Adora, telling her about the purpose of She-Ra. I have no idea why but the fact Catra's head gear make a metallic sound when it hits the floor when she takes it off somehow made me think it was an heirloom or something, maybe a token of royalty. And if Entrapta doesn't need a Runestone to qualify as a princess, then why can't Catra?! But anyway I think Catra knows she's a princess. She's never going to admit it of course, but she knows. And I think that's where her abandonment issues stem from. The Horde obviously lied to her, like they did to Scorpia and how her family let the Horde have the Black Garnet but Catra is smart, smarter than she gives herself credit for. She figures it out and realises she's been lied to. She doesn't leave, maybe because she's too caught up in her emotions to decide what to do, because she's found someone she can trust in Adora and she doesn't want to leave her, or simply because the easiest thing to do is stay. Whatever the reason, she stays, knowing that her family never actually rejected her but the self-doubt remains and grows. What if they did? What if my family never wanted me? What if they cast me out for something I did? What if they turned me over to the Horde in exchange for keeping their lands safe? And when Adora leaves her, everything she questioned becomes true except the focus shifts from her kingdom and a possibility to her best friend and a certainty.

Along comes Double Trouble. They see she's not a villain. They see she just wants to belong to something. And they put it together too so they plant the seed. What if my family wanted me all along? What if I could leave? Everyone else did. What if I went ahead and did what I want to do instead of what I have to do? And when the time comes for her to decide if she's going to leave and forge her own path, she can decide to head to Adora or seek out her kingdom. If you wanna get really into it, you could say Catra is a representation of her kingdom, like the other princesses are and it gives an insight into what her kingdom might look like and be, culturally. Perfuma controls nature, so she's a very spiritual hippie type person. Frosta is cold and distant (even though she opens up, that's how we meet her). Mermista is uncaring, like the ocean when it kills you and no one will ever know because it is a vast void both above and below the surface I have a fear of the ocean, in case you could not tell. Catra is cunning, proud and vicious. Caring when she wants to be but hostile because she feels she needs to be. Catra's kingdom is probably an outland tribe, not too far off from what the Crimson Waste is like, but with laws and guards and stuff like any other kingdom, shunned from the princess alliance for their unpredictable nature (you might even say the princess alliance left them?) and so have trust issues with princesses. This is why Scorpia was obviously a Princess, because she was so happy and positive all the time like the other princesses but Catra hides it so well because she's naturally mean and calloused. It'd be so dope if Catra was an Anti-Princess, like the Dark Jedi in Star Wars.

Alternatively, she was nice and her kingdom is nice but the Horde rubbed off on her. Either way, Catra's arc ends when she starts to attempt to be good and finding her kingdom might be the first step in doing that. My ideal ending for Catra's character arc, regardless of whether she is a princess or not, is she finds someone or something to help her overcome her PTSD, abandonment issues and anger management problems (I REALLY HOPE IT'S RAZZ) and she joins the Rebellion as a black ops agent, doing infiltration and sabotage missions but she keeps her S4 outfit and everyone just lets her cause they all agree it fucks. (Noelle please give me vigilante black ops Catra but give her therapy first.)

Quick thing I wanted to add before posting after reading back over this - the scene where she removes her head gear and sobs on the floor of the control room. I think she's wondering why she didn't just leave with Adora. Why she didn't just leave to find her real family. Why she didn't just leave to find herself. Why she didn't just leave. And it eats away at her soul every goddamn day she spends in the Fright Zone, but she can't stop now, she's come too far.

3. Glimmer

Oh man. Oh man. This Micah/Glimmer reunion is gonna be HEAVY. Truly, the She-Ra fandom is Atlas. Honestly, I wanna say it was Shadow Weaver that started to turn her into Dark Glimmer but I don't think that was it. This whole season, Shadow Weaver has just been like "bro I am just s. I am just sitting here". She's very literally done nothing wrong. She's just been gardening and giving Glimmer magic lessons. Dub is to blame with that. Their twisting of Glimmer's mind set her on that path and all it took was Adora to disagree with her on one thing and she exploded and thought "if no one will fix it, then I'll do it". Her regret at what she'd done on Horde Prime's ship probably means she'll profusely apologise but that's really all there is to say on that issue. Other that, everything I can say about Glimmer will come to me when she meets Micah.

4. Scorpia

Hell yes my baby. Episode 6 was so good. When I think about Scorpia and Catra's relationship, I think about this line by Alex Hunter AKA HiTop Films on YouTube in one of his Spider-Man essays I forget which one (but you should go watch all of them anyway cause they're all really good and go watch his other stuff and support him on Patreon, if you can) about the relationship between MJ and Harry in the Raimi Spider-Man trilogy:

Maybe Harry (Scorpia) loves her (Catra) the best Harry Osborn COULD love someone, but it's not the love she needs.

It doesn't fit Scorpia and Catra exactly so I'll explain. Obviously Scorpia loves Catra a lot but Catra's not the right person she needs to love, nor does Catra need love herself. She will need it, eventually, but right now Catra needs therapy. She needs help before she needs love and she needs to work out her own issues. That leaves Scorpia with a big heart and no one to fill it with. Ironically it's a robot that helps her realise Catra isn't good for her. It's hard for Scorpia to hear but Emily has to show her that Entrapta was her real friend and they had fun together and what Catra and her have is not fun. Then the next step in moving out of Catra's abusive relationship is the Royal Hall. It's here that Scorpia has to admit to herself that the Horde weren't pleasant, if tough, diplomats who simply negotiated ownership of the Runestone. She doesn't even know any of the members of her family except her grandfather and even then she was too young to remember him and she realises that the Horde eradicated her culture when the colonised the place and she's hurt. She's really and truly broken and to make matters worse, Emily is still trying to tell her that her friend isn't really her friend. It's difficult to face these two massive truths but Scorpia hides her pain. Not to run from it, like Catra, but because she's Scorpia, and Scorpia doesn't give up. So she seeks out the princesses. She knows she's a princess so she hopes she'll find some belonging there and she's right. After some understandable hostility, she's greeted. Not very warmly but still greeted. Her first friend is Perfuma, which I think is so fitting because Perfuma is the princess most like Scorpia, she's all about love and positivity and acceptance so of course she's gonna be the first to treat her with an equal amount of kindness that Scorpia would readily give anyone and everyone else. Frosta is next, the princess who knows what it's like to be an outsider, having shut off her kingdom from the outside world for so long and it's at Bright Moon Scorpia finally gets to give a real hug, not one where people squirm out of her grasp. One where she gets hugged back.

Backtracking a little, when Scorpia said to Emily that Catra has been under a lot of pressure and that's why she's acting this way, I don't think she was making excuses for her behaviour, I think she really notices how close Catra is to snapping completely. Since the moment she realised Adora wasn't coming back to the Horde, Catra has just been completely shit on, episode after episode. Nothing goes right for her and it piles on and on and on and Scorpia's been right beside her this whole time watching it happen. Except Catra doesn't have her optimism, she's got spite and rage so she can't handle it as well as Scorpia and Scorpia knows this so even when she admits Catra was abusive and cruel, she still wants to help, because she is a good person. And good people help others, help those in pain, no matter what.

[shy-magpie]

RQG 126

We lost two people in the literal sense, and the remaining team are out numbered 2 to 1 by former hostages who need to be seen to.

Wow poor Bryn sounds down, and Helen doesn't sound much better. I think that was fake crying but I don't think I ever heard him so low energy Alex! Neither deserved it Bryn: "You monster! I don't respect your craft" Einstein set up the room properly to receive them? Really impressively well. Did he have help? Azu jumps in with the sensible questions Alex shouldn't have set himself up, if he wanted sympathy today of all days Oh Veseek and Bi Ming looking for Sasha and Grizzop Helen yells at Alex for us Hamid is hugging Veseek and trying to reassure him Year and a half?! !WHAT!! -both Hamid & Azu Hamid is having an attack, which is a fair reaction Well that goes pretty far to explain how he got things set up Hamid is jumping right into how we fix this, Einstein is trying to gently tell him its not fixable Everyone is underground? What happened in the rest of the world? There's Azu to get things on track Einstein is trying to calm things down ~ Oh thank Artemis he isn't making us wait to find out what happened with Sasha and Grizzop. I saw the all too short cast list and thought we would have to wait until the side quest to find out! Alex barely has his scene description out before Bryn calls him "the worst, the actual worst" Helen is once again speaking for all of us Same room different time? Oh I have never been happier to hear Grizzop's voice! They are alive to take damage so I really don't care Ben don't remind him he needs to be creative in punishing you Yeah Sasha's gutter french is not going to cut it So did anyone notice them dropping into the room and will that cause problems? Ah too crowded for people to notice? "Only a 19" Sasha takes her skills for granted Grizzop would notch an arrow first thing even before getting off the floor OK Alex has gone 3rd person again so I will cut him a little slack since it shows he is only pretending to be a bond villain If we had to have 2 of the team in Ancient Rome, then there are no two I trust to adapt, survive, and cover each other's backs. Also my issues are showing but it sounds like Eldarian was left in the stone circle rather than showing up with them, which is frankly a relief even if she did have some useful skills. OK so they did see Sasha and are alarmed at Grizzop Racist Romans, this is why they get smote Good Grizzop checks with Sasha on how they want to play this Fair Grizzop, (anyone grabs him, he'll shoot) That's how you make sure the enemy stays down So they barely set foot in town before making an enemy of the rich, very in character Human only town, very quickly seeing the dragon's point in destroying the place Please can I have Sasha wrapping Grizzop in her cloak and passing him off as her child? Maybe carrying him like a tired toddler? Thank you, Alex ~ Einstein better talk over this meal. Oh he is, spill! Yeah yeah riots, possible possession, Thank you Azu, foreign occupation by who? OK whatever is possessing people is now in charge Down a(nother) Meritocrat and the rest are dithering. Does that make the possessed 9/10ths of the law? I could really learn to hate the Acast bells Ok so the weather thing isn't under their control Good questions Is Alex drawing to explain something on the audio only medium? Einstein had 18 months with nothing to do but prepare and worry, of course he has everything Why did I doubt Alex, of course this is really helpful Blue Veins, aren't curable, aren't obvious until later stages, paladins are vulnerable I refuse to be grateful to the Mars lot, even if they are helping for now Cairo is safe, Hamid's family is okay Poor Bi Ming is babbling worried, but answers are scarce So the main plot has been entirely abandoned or what? That doesn't feel like an Alex thing Wilde went off grid I am so proud of Einstein, he did such a great job Azu has to fill Hamid and the rest in on how we lost the other 3, my heart ~ Sasha is trying to wrap her mind around this So Artemis is here? They predate the Roman gods, after all Sasha to Grizzop: you'll just have to be my weird child Wow that's some complicated feelings as Grizzop explains about Eldarian Sasha is reduced to staring at the wall OK its canon, they beat Hades Grizzop would think that balances the new set of emotional baggage Sasha bounces back a little as she mentions the locals are easy to rob Oh Grizzop "I'll kill every single one of them" Sasha, honey you'll be ok,  they'll be ok ~ Charming are we going to have the Salahs on our hands again or can we just leave them in jail? Yeah Veseek is close enough to Grizzop to be a hostage, so it tracks he would be game for vengeance Ed sweety, you don't have to fix it all, but are so welcome to join Poor Ishak, kid is holding up but that is in many ways more worrying than if he broke down. Not touching the twin part So what would Einstein consider a survival pack? Nice, our professor has hidden depths Hamid re:The mobile stones "they rock" We have a plan! ~ So does the paladin thing outweigh the goblin thing? Or is my boy about to get shot? Love it, you can spot the temple of Artemis by the arrow slits Cicero? Is a wanted man? Sasha uses her sign language to play charades with the Artemis guy. Lydia makes her case for it well. Of course the episode ends with an explosion and screaming Lydia sounds betrayed that this is the end of the recording session so she doesn't get to know what it was either. Thank you for that ending speech, Bryn. Might be more effective if you didn't sound so fond. Guess who stabs Cesar? I adore Lydia PS: Grizzop was right to tell Sasha what Eldarian did as soon as possible; letting her draw her own conclusions only to yank the rug out from under her latter would be worse. This does not change who Eldarian was. People like Eldarian often think that even their worst abuses are acts of love, even after being shown the harm it does their charges. Saying "this is for your own good" before you kick a puppy doesn't make you less of a puppy kicker. A grand act of self sacrifice appeals to the need to control the narrative.

[asinclxirs-blog]

[ MUSE 82 ] ●● is that TOM HOLLAND? no, that’s just ALEXANDER “ALEX” SINCLAIR, the 20 year old CISMALE who is a COLLEGE STUDENT. some say they’re ELITIST and VOLATILE, but their family and friends will swear they’re FOCUSED and LOYAL. when i think of them, i think of sleepless nights, bruised knuckles, and sad eyes. i wonder if his family knows that HE WAS RECENTLY DIAGNOSED WITH DEPRESSION. ●● ( Mar && 23 && est && she/her )

Trigger Warnings: mental health, depression, anxiety, references to self-harm and attempted suicide, panic attacks

Hi everyone I’m Mar. I was here once but I had finals going on and time was crazy so I didn’t really get to know everyone. But now I have a lot more time on my hands, and I’ve wanted to bring in Alex for awhile. Listed below are some basics about him, I also have his statistics up on my page that go a little more in depth. I’ll have his bio ready whenever I don’t feel like being lazy. Please love my sad little emotional tornando and give this post a like if you want to plot. You can also message me on my discord mar_rosex#6743 at anytime. I promise I don’t bite. I can’t wait to interact with your muses! ( Also this is so long I write wayyy to much pls bear with me x: )

Basic Intro:

Alexander, aka Alex Sinclair (Don’t call him Alexander unless you want him to throw a shit fit) is the eldest of the Sinclair siblings. During most of the year he’s away at school in Boston. But for some breaks and visits he’s living with his family in Ashcroft. 

His mom left when he was only three. He actually does remember her, though a lot of it is very fuzzy. His feelings are very conflicted. He has abandonment issues just like his other siblings. But he can’t bring himself to hate her. He’s wanted to try to find her for awhile now but worries what the others will say if he does. He has this very ‘the grass is always greener’ perception about her. Like if she were still here they all would have turned out better, or maybe Alex wouldn’t have this irrational need to shut out any woman in his life that attempts to be a mother figure. He knows it’s stupid to hold out hope of ever coming in contact with her again, but that doesn’t mean he’s given up on that dream.

His relationship with his family is complicated. Mostly because they’re aware of his mental health issues, and it embarrasses him. Sometimes he’s around and other times he’ll text his dad the night before Thanksgiving dinner and say he’s gonna spend it somewhere else. He wants to be the big brother that buys them alcohol when they sneak off to parties, and beats up the bullies. He does love them though, even if he’s not good at explaining emotions. His ‘ I love yous ’ are very subtle. If they need him, he’s there without hesitation. While he struggles with explaining things to his dad, he will talk to his siblings. It’s always felt like the three of them against the world. 

He isn’t aware of his father’s illegal business, but Alex doesn’t have much interest in the legal one. Business involves too much talking, too much kissing peoples asses. It’s not his kind of career. But besides this Alex still has an irrational need to please his dad. He feels like he has to do double the work since his mother isn’t there to see all his achievements. He also knows how successful the men in his family are (even if it wasn’t for legal reasons), and he wants to be better than them.

To most, Alex comes off as an outgoing guy, and kind of a dick. On the outside he’s very elitist. He will always try to be the smartest in the room, and let you know it. Alex has always had this irrational need to be the best at everything. Even if he isn’t, he’ll thinks he is. He knows the weight of his name, and has constantly used it over the years to get what he wants. But at the same time he’ll also mock others who do the same and call them trust fund brats. If he sees you as a threat, aka you’re outshining him--it’s a big issue. If he likes you though he’ll stick his neck out for you. (This mostly applies to his siblings, but they’re not safe from his competitive streak either.)  His loyalty to those he cares for knows no bounds. And if you’re in some trouble he’s the first person there to help get you out of it.

Alex’s elitist streak doesn’t just end with interactions. He wants success, he craves it. Give him the smallest bit of power and he’ll run with it. Even if he’s set for life he plans to use his degree to make a name for himself. To be known as more than just another Sinclair kid. School has always come easy to Alex. He decided to attend Boston University and just finished his Sophomore year. Academics have always been something he’s enjoyed, but he can often get away with doing well and not studying. He’s studying Engineering with a minor in Chemistry. Math and Science have always been his favorite subjects. He loves knowing there’s a definite answer. Put him in an English class and he’ll either fall asleep or slowly die of boredom.

But below the surface there’s always been something more to him. He isn’t this outgoing, cocky guy that everyone thinks he is. No one talks about the fact that if there’s too many people in the room his hands will start to shake and he’ll lose the ability to complete a sentence. Or that during parties Alex always ends up outside after it feels like the room is closing in on him. Rumors hushed pretty quickly when someone though they heard Alex say that socializing feels draining. Most assume his permanent frown is due to looking down on everyone else. For some reason he always seems angry, even when no one is trying to steal his thunder. It’s always felt that way. Ever since he was a little kid and would run off only to be found by his dad hiding somewhere, a sobbing mess that couldn’t stop shaking. 

Therapists used to blame his mom, so when he turned 18 he refused go anymore. They said his abandonment issues led to irrational bouts of anxiety. But it’s easy to blame her when Alex has always just been...sad. There’s never been a day where he doesn’t feel the endless need to be the best or please those he cares about. There’s days where he can’t get out of bed. Days where eating or showering seem like too much so he just lays there, wondering why the hell the universe bothered with him. He feels like the doctors never listen. That they think he’s crazy when he’s just angry. 

He’s terrible with his emotions in general. In high school he was nicknamed a hot head for always snapping at others or trying to get in fights with those who threatened him. If it wasn’t for his last name, he probably would have gotten suspended for bruising his knuckles on the other boys’ faces. In college his roommate has forced him to take up boxing, where they’ll go to the gym for hours and just punch the bag. It helps, but the rage is always simmering. Instead of coming off as weepy and sensitive he uses anger to communicate. It’s often a cry for help, but he’ll never admit that. He’d rather have people think he’s a dick than crazy.

Every year it got worse, especially after he moved away to school. In high school he’d be medicated to keep things under control. But without therapy the pills stopped, and so did his control. The panic attacks became more common, to the point where people in his classes would notice the sweat on his brow or the shallow breathing. His roommate would comment on how Alex hadn’t left the dorm in two weeks, or that his phone was off for days. He wouldn’t go home for certain breaks or weekends, worried that his dad would see him and be disappointed. Or that Leo and Dylan would think he was too crazy to be around anymore. 

It came to a head at the end of the current spring semester. His last psychiatrist told him that he was a volcano, and everything was going to blow if he didn’t confront his issues. It started at a party his friends were throwing. They dragged him there The typical signs were all showing. He couldn’t talk to them without downing some drinks. The room felt like it was closing in every time someone brushed against his back. Too small a space and way too many people around. Everything that he’d been pushing away suddenly rose to the surface. He doesn’t remember most of it. He just remembers running out of there, and then he’s in the dorm showers. He didn’t remember the knife he took from the kitchenette or one of his hall mates screaming for help. He always did it as a teenager when his dad was looking the other way, and it never caused too much harm. It was always a release. But this time it was.

So the school sent him home, and his professors took his current grades as finals. He has to go to a psychiatrist for the rest of the summer in order to get cleared to go back in the Fall. She refers to it as ‘the incident’, much like the other few people that are aware of it. She’s also diagnosed him with Depression. He refuses to talk about it head on with pretty much anyone, and his issues in general. Everyone else just assumes he finished the semester out early. Since he has to go, Alex  just tells the psychiatrist what she wants to hear. He takes the pills she gives them but tries to flush them down the toilet when no one is looking. He hates being home. He hates being labeled as a crazy ticking time bomb. His anger hasn’t suppressed, if anything it’s gotten worse. He just wants to go back to that toddler who was laughing with his mom in the backyard and blowing bubbles. Not the mess he is now.

Wanted Connections:

Sinclair Fam: I need this. All the family, all the drama. Give it to me. 

Ride or Die: His best friend since they could walk. One of the only people outside of his family that knows what the hell is going on with Alex. These two are hardly seen apart. They probably are one of the few people who can push him to try in therapy and help him get his shit together. 

College Roommate: I think this would be interesting if it were someone from Ashcroft. Especially since they’re one of the few people who know about the incident and Alex’s struggles. It’d be cool if maybe this was someone who he always knew but didn’t get close with until they lived together. Also now that they’re both home and can see one another again it’d be interesting. 

High School Friends: I imagine he had a small group he was close with in school. People that he still bothers to talk to after graduation. People that he grew up with and know him better than most.

College/Boston Friends: People he met while away at school. Maybe they also live in Ashcroft or recently moved there. 

Enemies: Since Alex is a dick to 90% of the human population he’s well aware that he’s made enemies. There’s probably a line of them tbh.

Ex-Girlfriend: Alex isn’t a relationship guy. That requires too much of letting someone else in. I imagine this was something from highs school and he pushed her away. Maybe it was mutual. Or it could be really messy. I love everything angsty so I’m down for w/e for this. 

Flings: As I said above he’s not into relationships. He’ll usually hookup or do FWB, but he’s pretty private about it. He doesn’t let the line blur between a hookup and something more. Usually if he thinks someone’s catching feelings he’ll end things. 

If you had any other ideas in mind don’t hesitate to hit me up about them. I’m always down for anything, I’m a shameless plot whore. 

[phxne-gxy]

𝑪𝑯𝑨𝑹𝑨𝑪𝑻𝑬𝑹 𝑺𝑯𝑬𝑬𝑻

repost,  don’t reblog !

𝐛𝐚𝐬𝐢𝐜𝐬 !

FULL NAME.    Scott Calder  NICKNAME.    Phone Guy; Scotty Boy; Manager Stumpy; Kid; Scoot GENDER.    Cis Male HEIGHT.     5′8″ AGE.    I’m bad at math and timelines are hard; somewhere in his late 20′s.  ZODIAC.    N/A SPOKEN LANGUAGES.   English

𝐩𝐡𝐲𝐬𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐥 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐬 !

HAIR COLOR.    Black; has always been black but he does get a few grey hairs over the course of his lifetime.  EYE COLOR.   Brown   BODY TYPE.   Slim; Not at all Muscular.  ACCENT.     How the fuck would you describe Cawthon’s voice? UH. Stutters and stammers a lot but that’s not really an ACCENT per say.  VOICE.   Voiced by Scott Cawthon; Link to Phone Calls from the first game which is more accurate for my Phone Guy due to plot reasons.  DOMINANT HAND.    Right before losing it to Foxy. Because of this, his handwriting is atrocious.  POSTURE.   The man reeks of anxiety; constantly fidgets and tries to make himself appear smaller or less visible. Very guarded body language (I.E shoulders drawn to ears; avoiding eye contact etc. etc)  SCARS.    Several around the amputated area of what remains of his right arm; scars all along the left arm from Foxy’s hook during the attack. A scar across his nose and his cheek. Facial scars are covered with bandaids and plasters during work hours to stop the children from seeing. He also tends to keep his remaining arm completely wrapped in bandages for the same reason.  TATTOOS.    None in the FNAF verse; Modern AU Has a watercolor fox on his chest, near his heart. The fox has an arrow through its right front paw.  BIRTHMARKS.    None. MOST NOTICEABLE FEATURE(S).    Speech impediment, the implication of injuries due to his bandages, missing arm and lack of a prosthetic. 

𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐝𝐡𝐨𝐨𝐝 !

PLACE OF BIRTH.    N/A  HOMETOWN.     N/A ; if we’re gonna pull from the lore of the books, the Pizzeria is located in Utah.  BIRTH WEIGHT.   Who the FUCK knows this BIRTH HEIGHT.   NO REALLY WHO THE FUCK KNOWS THIS MANNER OF BIRTH.    Natural. (WHY THIS?)  FIRST WORDS.    “Car” and various other baby babbles.  SIBLINGS.   Daniel Calder; Deceased (due to Scott’s actions as a teenager.) Head was crushed inside the Fredbear animatronic during the birthday party.  PARENTS.   Mary and Alex Calder. PARENTAL INVOLVEMENT.   After the accident, the Calder parents grew very cold towards their eldest son, flickering between bouts of ignoring him and bouts of being physically and verbally abusive. Once Scott was out of high school, he was kicked out of the home. 

He hasn’t had contact with them since. They’ve completely cut all ties and effectively disowned Scott as a son. 

𝐚𝐝𝐮𝐥𝐭 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞 !

OCCUPATION.   Manager of Freddy Fazbear’s Pizzeria; Former Security Guard (Day and Night.)  CURRENT RESIDENCE.    A cheap apartment that isn’t that far a walk from the Pizzeria.  CLOSE FRIENDS.    None really; has trouble accepting relationships and most of his former acquaintances are no longer in the fandom.  RELATIONSHIP STATUS.   Single.  FINANCIAL STATUS.    Scrapping by on the skin of his teeth but attempting to remain optimistic about it. Pretty much everything goes towards his rent and bills.  DRIVER’S LICENSE.   No. Physically isn’t able to drive anyway.  CRIMINAL RECORD.    Technically no, as he was a minor during the bite and the blame was squared more towards the Diner rather than the kids. It was their animatronic that caused the issue.  VICES.   Vices as in coping methods that are frowned upon or vices as in the sins? But definitely Gluttony and Envy. 

𝐬𝐞𝐱 & 𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞 !

SEXUAL ORIENTATION.   Homosexual; Closeted due to social stigma.  ROMANTIC ORIENTATION.   Homoromantic; Closeted due to social stigma.  PREFERRED EMOTIONAL ROLE.    submissive |  dominant  | switch PREFERRED SEXUAL ROLE.    submissive  | dominant  |  switch LIBIDO.    Medium. Often gets too drowned in work to focus on it.  TURN ON’S.    Praise; Marking; Dominance but nothing TOO rough.  TURN OFF’S.   Blood play; Aggressiveness; pretty much most...things that stray out of vanilla territory.  LOVE LANGUAGE.   Acts of Service; TOUCH would be a big thing once he’s comfortable enough with his partner.  RELATIONSHIP TENDENCIES.   Tends to trust too easily and rush into things because he is so desperate for validation and affection. Once he knows the other person is committed to him, he becomes very clingy. There’s A LOT of self-loathing to dig through to get to that point though. 

𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐜𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐞𝐨𝐮𝐬 !

CHARACTER’S THEME SONG.  God there’s so many...........but Only the Good Die Young; Billy Joel comes to mind first. 

HOBBIES TO PASS TIME.  Watching television and movies; listening to music; Going on walks.  MENTAL ILLNESSES.     Severe Anxiety and Depression; PTSD; Night Terrors; etc etc. God. Help this man.  PHYSICAL ILLNESSES.    Phantom Pains from his amputated limb. LEFT OR RIGHT BRAINED.    Likely.....left..... PHOBIAS.    The Dark; Abandonment; Death.  SELF CONFIDENCE LEVEL.    Very LOW. When trying to strap on his Manager Persona, he tries to portray himself more capable than he is but it’s quickly picked apart due to his body language and speech impediment. Some of the recordings he was instructed to leave (I.E the springlock suit training tapes) he comes across more confident because he was allowed to restart as many times as needed to keep his voice level and clear. VULNERABILITIES.    His general gullibility and naive trust in people. Complete and utter lack of self-confidence and self-esteem.  Sensitivity to bullying and triggering content from his past. 

TAGGED BY:   @ianhowellgcpd (by extension shhhhhhh fjlksdjf) 

Tagging: @williamafton

[yesokayiknow]

I love your headcannons so much. Has Cadmus!Alex ever meet earth 1 Laurel?

oh, thanks!!! and also this is a bit long sorry

okay so laurel’s alive in every single arrowverse au i havesince there are literally dozens ofways for her to be brought back from the dead (though also i think it’d behilarious if alex was on e1 meeting up with cait and siren and zari and wasjust like so for this week i thought weshould bring a person back from the dead

cait & siren: no?????

zari: LET 👏 HER 👏SPEAK 👏)

now they don’t meet for a while because alex tends to stickto central and laurel’s team plus sara and nyssa and maybe cisco and ray have appointedthemselves as her babysitters and have basically confined her to like a fiveblock radius around her apartment (she doesn’t mind the rest of them that muchbut sara and nyssa have absolutely no boundaries whatsoever and keep doingthings like pulling back the shower curtains when she’s in the shower to makesure she hasn’t like drowned or something), and it takes laurel a good fewmonths to finally convince her teamthat she’s recovered enough to go on a trip to central by herself.

for a relative definition of by herself, that is, since felicity has definitely hacked into a good thirdof the surveillance cameras in central and has them playing on a loop in the base

digg: this....is stalking

felicity, running security checks on every single personworking or staying at the hotel laurel booked: but is it though

and nyssa just like turned up at cisco’s apartment and toldhim she was staying there

cisco: okay please don’t kill me

nyssa: i won’t kill you laurel likes you

cisco: oh thank god— wait does that mean you’d kill me iflaurel didn’t like me???

nyssa: are you able to make waffles from scratch?

cisco: yes???

nyssa: probably not then

don’t get me wrong, laurel 100% knows what they’re doing butshe’s honestly just relieved that sara and thea didn’t like stow away in hersuitcase or something.

(though tbf sara’s getting half-hourly updates from literallyevery member of team flash and the rogues, and thea’s about two seconds awayfrom buying out the hotel

oliver: we don’t have any money thea

thea: who needs money when you have blackmail

felicity: oooh i found a lotof stuff on the owners! i think one of them has ties to the mob and i’m pretty surethe other is moonlighting as a vigilante and you were joking weren’t you

thea, writing down everything felicity’s saying: i never jokeabout blackmail)

alex point-blank refuses to step foot in star labs (it remindsher of cadmus) and laurel doesn’t tend to hang around with villains, so they meetat eobard thawne’s old house, since i headcanon that every now and again teamflash (plus hartley) go to there to just destroy his stuff?? and alex is always up for some petty vandalism, and since laurel hasn’t beenallowed to fight for the past few months or so she hasn’t had any way to releasethe repressed emotions that she usually punches out??

so yeah alex and cait walk into eobard’s old house to seelaurel just taking a metal baseball bat to a wall. it’s very cathartic, and alsoa great way to meet someone.

and okay so the thing is, alex and laurel do like each other??? they get on prettywell??? alex teaches laurel ways to sneak away from her well-meaning butslightly intense friends and laurel shows alex how to kick someone in the face and they spend a lot of time swapping stories about their sisters.

the problem, then, is that within two minutes of meetingeach other they both think oh my god ihave to protect her.

because alex is brave and impulsive and self-sacrificial tothe point of having a death wish, like sara, and sneaky and insightful and has honed her trauma into a weapon, like thea; and laurel is noble andprotective and has pure sunshine covering up trauma, like kara, and too trustingand occasionally scathing and has a whole ton of abandonment issues, like lena.

and so basically every time they meet they try toout-big-sister each other. it’s pretty exhausting for everyone else

alex: hey laurel i thought you might be hungry so i broughtyou some soup

laurel: oh! that’s such a sweet thing to do! here have somemoney for your troubles!

alex: oh! well then i’ll use this money to buy you a scarf!

laurel: i’ll kNIT YOU A SCARF

alex: i’ll lEARN HOW TO KNIT AND KNIT YOU A SWEATER

laurel: I’LL SUPPORT YOUR NEW HOBBY

alex: I’LL SUPPORTYOU SUPPORTING MY NEW HOBBY

everyone: please stop

zari, eating popcorn: no keep going

[cathygeha]

REVIEW

So Wright by Skye Jordan

The Wrights #1

 Rainy days in winter are always better with a relaxing book to read. This book proved just what I needed to read today. It had sizzle, spice, strong lead characters, romance, family, and so much more. I do believe this series will be one that is worth pursuing.

 What I liked:

* Miranda: strong sense of self, professional welder, works hard on the job, assists in a friend’s bar, gives back in a volunteer capacity, has trust issues, and has walls up to protect herself…and yet…boy does she sizzle!

* Jack: strong, intelligent, loves his family, pulled in many directions due to work and issues with his father’s business, wants to settle down, and seeing Miranda he knows she is special BUT can he convince her…and does he have what it takes to make the relationship work?

* Marty: the father figure in Miranda’s life

* Miranda’s backstory and how it will form and impact the series – looking forward to reading her siblings books in the future

* That the main lead characters seem of equal strength in most every way – they seemed to be perfect for one another IF they managed to work through a few issues

* Gypsy: Miranda’s sister…seems there is more to her than we see in this book

* The family feeling that runs through the book…Jack’s family is close and also there is the potential for Miranda’s family to reconnect in the series

* The volunteer aspect that included building homes for the needy from cargo containers (had to look those up!)

* All of it really except…

 What I didn’t like:

* Bruce and his son Alex – they were baddies that deserved to spend some time in jail.

* The tough childhood that Miranda lived through

 Did I enjoy this book? Yes

Would I read more by this author? Yes

 4.5 Stars

    BLURB

 New York Times bestselling author Skye Jordan brings you a sexy new series of stand alone romances! After a lifetime of abandonment, Miranda Wright depends on no one but herself. She’s about to break ground on her dream of building green, affordable houses for retired veterans, and she’s not about to let anything alter her plans—especially not a sexy know-it-all architect from New York. Her strict, no-seconds rule has kept her heart safe this far, so why fix what isn’t broken? When a family crisis strikes, Jack Taylor is on the next flight to Nashville. But coming home stirs up more betrayal than answers, and he finds the perfect distraction in a feisty but guarded brunette. Only, one-night turns into a whole lot more, and Jack finds himself all-in by the time he discovers that Miranda’s secrets may very well cost him not only the family business, but his heart.

[austennerdita2533]

I would love so much to hear why you love Denny and Denny/Izzie :) (I love them too; I just ship Alex/Izzie a little more!)

I enjoy Alex and Izzie as a romantic ship as well, but they have a lot of emotional baggage (but what couple on Grey’s doesn’t haha) plus a lot of walls/hurdles for them to surpass before they’d be able to maintain a stable, successful, and committed long-term relationship. Alex as a character, too, particularly in the earlier seasons, can be a bit of a callous jerk or “Ass” as Izzie so hilariously and bitterly nicknames him in one episode. That conceited, hates-the-world thing he perpetuates outward is, of course, a defense mechanism he wields in order to keep people at a distance so they don’t encroach close enough to hurt him. Because, ultimately, that’s what he fears most. He’s terrified of being abandoned, of someone he loves leaving him behind. *cries*

However, that being said, Alex is also unbelievably self-destructive and self-loathing and has a tendency to make poor choices that have long range–and for some people, unforgivable–consequences. And while he undoubtedly regrets and/or learns from his mistakes *ahem* sleeping with Nurse Olivia because his feelings for Izzie are too overwhelming, too frightening *ahem*, that proclivity for self-sabotage will always be there. It’s like a little festering demon that’ll rear its head at inopportune times. Just when he thinks everything’s fine. And even though Izzie’s soft-hearted, forgiving, and determined to both see and draw out the best in people, I think that part of him would wear her down after a while. It’d be too much, too heavy. Plus, since she, herself, is a little high strung and emotional, I think she’d benefit more–in the long run–from being with someone like Denny who’s more laidback, grounding, patient, and sympathetic in ear and personality. 

(Mind you, all of the Izzex conflict I described above is part of what makes their relationship so interesting to watch, isn’t it? We become invested in the how’s and why’s and when’s in which they navigate through their issues.)

Moving on to Denny Duquette, I think it’s important to note how infectious I think he is as a character? Despite his dire health conditions, there’s a twinkling charm, sense of humor, and joie de vivre about him the first moment he appears on-screen that I find to be as equally refreshing as it is heartening. (It doesn’t hurt that Jeffrey Dean Morgan is an extremely attractive man, either. Ah, that scruff! Those dimples! *swoons*) He’s engaging in speech and look and personality, flirtatious in a way that’s endearing and confident yet not overly cocky, and full of genuine care and sentiment he’s unafraid to express when it’s necessary, or when he knows someone needs to hear it. He’s honest and open with his heart, too. Which, if you think about it, is beyond brave under normal circumstances, but more so under his because wouldn’t be easier for him to close himself off? Wouldn’t it hurt him less to know that, if he were to die, he wouldn’t regret the unfulfilled life he could’ve had with the special someone he’ll leave behind? Isn’t saying goodbye to someone you love sometimes harder than facing the worst on your own, with nothing to lose? 

(Personally, I think it is.)

As a couple, Denny and Izzie are precisely what the other person needs in general, but also at that point in time. Izzie becomes the pumping strength he lacks–buoying him full of hope to keep going, to keep fighting–because his life isn’t over yet and he deserves to at least believe that he has a chance to beat this and experience more than a world full of beeping machines, hospital beds that squeak, and bland walls caging him in so he can’t reach the outside. Denny becomes the glue and stitches which seal Izzie’s wounds closed. She’s so bruised, broken, and betrayed (not to mention insecure as hell) when they first meet, but his presence in her life brings the resilience and calming assurance she needs both as a doctor, and as a woman who’s recovering from a breach of trust (aka Alex cheating). In many ways, I feel like Denny shows her what love is supposed to be by helping her to turn that emotion in on herself in moments when she’s feeling particularly unworthy, inadequate, or downright undeserving. He believes in her, which, by extension, helps her to believe in herself. Their connection is beautiful and pure; it’s something that prods beneath the surface to settle somewhere stable–in a manner that can’t be untangled no matter how much or how hard they try.  

In addition to all of that, their chemistry is palpable. It buzzes like a current from the beginning, underlying everything. There’s something so all-encompassing about the way Denny and Izzie relate to one another that it’s hard for me to imagine a way in which they’re not inextricably linked? I COULD CRY ABOUT HOW PERFECT THEY ARE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

[fourteenacross]

Five headcanons for ghosthunters Alex (like you did for John)

Can do!

1) Alex’s nightmares are all focused on his abandonment issues. He never remembers them when he wakes up, so this is probably something that will never be explicitly discussed in canon, but 99% of them are about losing someone he loves. When he was younger, he used to either give in and get up for the day after he woke up or read until he fell back to sleep, if he fell back to sleep. Now that he has John, if he’s still badly shaken once he wakes up, John will read out loud to him or talk to him or, if he’s particularly upset and wired, drive him silently around the neighborhood until he gets sleep again, like an infant.

2) Aside from everyone he loves leaving him, Alex’s biggest fear is seeming ignorant in front of basically anyone, which is one of the driving forces behind his need to absorb all information about a topic like a sponge. He’s the type of person who looks a thing up on Wikipedia and reads every related article and then all of the quoted articles and footnotes and every related article and website until he’s basically an expert and can answer any question anyone asks. When he’s with people he trusts, he’s slightly more relaxed and will ask them as many questions as possible to figure out what he wants to know. This is 900% the way he’s approaching his relationship with John–this is unexplored territory to him and he wants to get it right. He can’t read a wikipedia article on his own relationship, so he just asks a million questions and makes sure he’s clear on every single facet of it so he doesn’t mess it up out of ignorance. It is INCREDIBLY lucky that he takes this approach, because with John’s allergy to feelings, things would probably crash and burn pretty hard otherwise.

3) Actualfax Historical Alexander Hamilton held out constant hope of reuniting with his father and kept him in pretty good regard despite his dirtbagishness, as far as I can tell. Ghosthunters!Alex has a different view–he thinks his father is an asshole for leaving them and doesn’t really have any desire to see him again. He projects a lot of that onto John’s relationship with his father, which is infinitely more complicated, and a lot of the things he’ll say to John about his father (”How could anyone do that to their own kid?!”) are absolutely a reflection of his own feelings.

4) Alex holds a grudge like a motherfucker. He’ll hold grudges for the dumbest, pettiest shit and he never forgets and he always seeks his own kind of vengeance. Sometimes it’s loud and aggressive, like shouting Jefferson down at the bar, but he does have like, modicum of professionalism and self-preservation, so sometimes it’s thinks like ensuring that the kid at his internship who ate his lunch out of the communal fridge always has the chair with one wheel that won’t roll and the stapler that doesn’t work all the way.

5) Alex’s personality has three settings: a) “I like you, so I’m putting a lot of effort into making you happy;” b) “I don’t like you, so I’m putting a lot of effort into not liking you;” c) “I actually don’t care about you very much at all, so I’ll just be benignly pleasant in case I need a favor from you some day, but I’ll only use about two brain cells’ worth of effort.” Many of his acquaintances interpret the third one incorrectly, and thus there are many people at Columbia who counted Alex among their friends, though Alex didn’t personally think of them as more than co-workers or acquaintances. They’re a little miffed he hasn’t kept in better touch since moving to Morristown, but figure he’s busy being brilliant and studious and just doesn’t have time to talk to them. (He has, likely, forgotten many of their names.)

[sxmriddhi]

Hey, I hope you don't mind me asking, and if you do I get it, but your post earlier today made me curious. What happened with your old best friend? You seem to have mentioned them a few times on here and I wondered why you weren't talking and why you can't talk now.

Wow erm, that’s quite a story. It’s got lots of different parts to it so be prepared for a long post:

Me and my best friend (let’s call them Alexa) met in year 7. We were bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, ready to start a new school and met on the bus trips there. She was the introvert to my extrovert. We bonded over our various obsessions over the years (One Direction, Taylor Swift, A Rocket to the Moon, Les Mis, Wicked, Busted, books and TV shows - pretty much what you’d expect 11-16 year old’s to bond over) and we spent more and more time together over the years. It got to the point where Alexa was staying at my home every other weekend. We had inside jokes and shared so many secrets (this becomes important later). Alexa’s mom even went as far as to joke about paying rent for the amount of time her daughter spent at my house.

I also introduces Alexa to my other best friend (let’s call her Jo). Jo was in my class and we bonded around year 9. We quickly became close too because our school was unhealthy and relationships were either 100% or 0%. It meant that most people spent all their time with the same few friends. At that age you don’t realize how helpful a little space is because you don’t want to miss out on anything. It’s something I still have to remind myself of because of how unhealthy my relationships were in high school.

So through years 10-11, the three of us slowly became a team. By year 11, we were the three musketeers. We did everything together. We were the typical movie girl squad who geeked out and had sleepovers and went on adventures. All my pictures had those two in. What I didn’t realize at the time was that I was the one who did all the planning. I invited them over. I made plans with them. I sorted out tickets and travel and meals out. My dad gave us rides and cooked us food. I spent money on birthdays and christmases because I thought that was what friends do.

What movies don’t tell you is that friendships aren’t supposed to be one-sided like that. They don’t show the planning or the person more invested in a friendship. They don’t show how unhealthy a friendship can become and how manipulated a young girl can feel with trying to impress her friends who, by all means, hadn’t necessarily done anything wrong…yet.

Sixth form arrived. And things fell to shit.

After a summer of anti-prom, summer trips, talking about our futures, looking forward to the next two years, I came back to school and continued with my life. We were in a larger group of friends that had sort of amalgamated Alexa’s class friends and my class friends. Alexa got to know my wider group. But she also began to withdraw from it all slightly. I could tell something was wrong and eventually she felt comfortable enough to confide in me: she had a crush on a girl in our group. Now, this isn’t a big deal to anyone I know. The issue is that this is an all girls school. The girl that Alexa liked had a girlfriend. Alexa’s family was slightly religious. Alexa wasn’t sure if the feelings were romantic or just a close friendship. She didn’t feel any sexual feelings and was still emotionally attracted to men as well so it was all confusing for her.

Now, let’s introduce character number three: Let’s call her Vicky. Vicky was horrible. She’d always been horrible to me. In year 12 I had gotten the lead role in our school musical and she’d thrown a fit. She claimed it was an attempt for the school to look racially inclusive rather than just due to me deserving the part. She turned people against me. She spread rumours about me and tore me down. She was everything that a school bully entails. But she was also subtle about it. She was sly and slow and her comments were barely noticable. Her tone was slightly different or her word choices were slightly off. She’d fail to say hello to me when sitting with my entire group of friends. She’d conveniently place more faith in others when we were told to work in a group. She’d forget to invite me to things. 

She wanted to know Alexa’s secret. So I covered for Alexa. I told everyone that I was the one struggling with feelings for someone and that Alexa was helping me. Then, once Alexa became comfortable enough to tell our friends about her feelings but wouldn’t say who it was, I told people it was me so that the heat would disperse and they would stop prying. I did this all with Alexa’s permission. I made sure she wanted this to happen so that she didn’t have to face the others. Then she told the girl she liked (via a letter - this is also important) and they finally got together. But Alexa was still unhappy. She realized it wasn’t just her sexuality that was changing but her gender identity. She trusted me with this secret and I kept it. I supported her through all the choices and changes she made. I called her Alex and, in private, used the pronouns he/him (which I will adopt from hereafter). Alex finally told our friends when he felt ready but quickly began to withdraw from me and I couldn’t understand why. All I’d done was support and love him? I just wanted him to be happy.

Alex, Jo and I had a plan to watch the Teen Wolf finale in March that year at my house before meeting the rest of our friends the next day to go ice skating. Suddenly Jo had to pull out for an “emergency opticians appointment”. Bit sketchy but okay. She said she’d meet me on Saturday for ice skating instead. Then a few days later Alex said he was busy with family matters so would meet me on Saturday along with the others too. I accepted it. I felt slightly hurt but understood their reasoning. On Friday afternoon, I double checked the times we were all meeting before we left school and on Saturday I had my dad drive me to where we were going to meet to find…. nobody.

Nobody was there. I called everyone. Someone eventually picked up and explained that the time had changed and hadn’t anyone told me? They’d already been and gone. But why had nobody questioned my absence if so? Wouldn’t you worry that your friend hadn’t shown up to a preplanned meeting?

I felt humiliated. I’d been abandoned by my friends and my dad had to watch it all happen. I was crying and inconsolable. That Monday I went to ask what had happened and was told that it had been Alex’s idea to disinvite me. I didn’t understand. What had I done that was so wrong? I was so hurt and felt so betrayed. We’d been friends for six years and this was how it would end? Didn’t I even deserve a letter detailing what Alex felt about me? Did I mean less to him than his crush had?

We didn’t speak for the rest of that school year. I didn’t speak to any of them. None of them had stood up for me and nobody came to console me after I left the group. None of them cared enough to check up on me. They’d all just accepted my absence.

Year 13 began after an incredibly lonely summer. I sat alone for lots of my free time before slowly attempting to repair what was broken. Another mistake on my part. I hadn’t done anything wrong. Why should I be attempting to make amends? But I did. It started with small smiles and little hellos. I tried to support Alex when he got into a huge fight with Jo. He wrote her a letter detailing his feelings then too. Once again, why did everyone except me deserve an explanation? We didn’t discuss the incident in March. I picked his name in secret santa that year and used the opportunity to detail a personal, heartfelt card along with my gift to him, expressing how much I’d loved knowing him this last 7 years. In January we even went on a trip to London together. Things were slowly normalizing.

Then his stepfather died. Then his grandfather. Then he started hanging out with Vicky. Then he told her my secrets and stopped speaking to me again. He made cryptic posts about me on his blog. He cancelled plans. He laughed in my direction. He started spreading rumours. He broke my heart all over again.

He and Vicky became inseparable. Nobody understood it but it happened. And the group divided along with them. He called me a bad friend and a terrible person on his blog. He wrote about how he didn’t want to be friends with me and didn’t like me at all. He spoke of his new friend and how she was so much better. How he’d wasted time with me. I checked his blog every day. I read through the posts obsessively and tried to analyse his feelings. I tried to understand if he was having a good day or a bad day. I wanted to be able to help him if he was hurting, even after everything he was doing to me.

More fights happened and more tears were shed. I can’t even remember half the things that were said and done because I was so disorientated by the whole situation. I wasn’t eating right. I wasn’t sleeping well. I had exams that I couldn’t focus on. I felt like I was disintegrating. I’d spent seven years loving this person - nearly half of my life - only for them to toss me aside like I was nothing. We had grown up together. We’d painted my room together. We’d lived our lives together. But not anymore. Now he had Vicky.

What do you do when your best friend starts spending time with the one person who made your high school life a living hell? You panic.

I spent almost every Friday afternoon crying alone because of him. I had panic attacks and nightmares. I had no self-esteem and little hope at ever making any friends again. I had to see the school councillor.

Being in a bad situation doesn’t give you an excuse to be a dick.

But I still tried. I made a gift for his mother as she’d lost her father and partner within months. I wrote her a letter explaining that I was sorry I couldn’t be around to help more due to the situation with her daughter (she didn’t know about his gender identity changes yet so I had to write daughter) but that if she required any help that my family was always available for them. I spent nearly £100 on gifts that I knew they’d like and things that we’d shared over the years. I left the gift with a neighbour to give to them and then left. 

Days passed…then weeks, months even. I heard nothing back. Did they get the gift? Had the neighbour stolen it? What had happened? I plucked up the courage to text Alex and received the nail in the coffin of our relationship. He said he wanted me to stop pretending to be his friend. He called me selfish and heartless and a bitch. He said I shouldn’t have gotten his mother involved (in what? I can’t tell you because I don’t know myself) and that i should just never speak to him again. He said he’d thrown the box out and wanted nothing from me. I cried again. I felt alone again. What had I done? I thought I was doing a good deed.

That was the last time I heard from him until I started university. That summer had been about reinventing myself. I’d gone to the gym. Hell, I’d gone to New York! I’d been in a car accident. I’d changed my own life. I moved to uni and used a different name, leaving my old nickname in high school. I created a Facebook account to make new friends here. I deleted old phone numbers and cut my hair. I made a resolution to stop checking his blog obsessively. I tried to become someone new. 

I was in my new room in the dormitories and posted a video on snapchat of my friend using the tambourine he’d previously gifted to me before I threw it out. I didn’t have Alex on any social media so I wasn’t being spiteful. It was just a fun night in my room, ridding myself of any old, bad memories. A few days later I got a message from him demanding it back. I had trashed it and I didn’t want to speak to him so I didn’t respond. Then I received another message, then an email, then more messages over the next few months all threatening to “take things further” unless I returned his property. I blocked all the numbers, deleted the emails. Then he tried to add me as a facebook friend. I didn’t want that. I was finally moving on. Then he had his new boyfriend and other flatmates try to contact me. I blocked them too.

Even up until just a month ago, I get random attempts to contact me. I can’t go back there. The situation was unhealthy. I can’t return to that person that I was. He changed me. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to trust someone that freely again. I live in fear that he’ll be the closest thing to a relationship I’ll ever experience. That he’ll be the only person I ever loved enough to let all the way in. I’m scared that he was my person and I’ll never have someone like that again.

We all talk about how when you break up with your partner, it kills a part of you. Nobody ever talks about when you break up with your person. He was my person. And losing him killed me.