#a'vis

[avirael]

FFxivWrite 2024

Day 01 - Steer

Some seagulls cried and began to fly in circles above his head as Nhagi'ra pulled the small boat through the sand and towards the water. For a moment he paused and looked at the feathery thieves with a hand over his eyes but was still blinded by the bright warm sun shining down from an endlessly blue sky.

The next thing he heard wasn’t a seagull, although it sounded equally excited - just not that positively excited.

“Hey!”, the Hyur woman yelled at him from the other side of the beach. Without hesitation she threw her basket into the sand and ran towards him. “What do you think you are doing there!?”

Nhagi'ra let go of the boat and instead put his hands onto his hip in a self-confident gesture. “I’m going to go fishing!”, he declared proudly but if it was praise he expected he wasn’t going to get it.

“Don’t be silly! I bet you have no idea how to fish! And neither do I remember allowing you to use my boat!”, the woman retorted and grabbed the rope from his hand, that normally would be used to moor the boat at its landing and which the Miqo'te had used to pull the vessel over the beach.

Dumbstruck Nhagi'ra let her take it. He hadn’t expected her to be angry. On the contrary! He had wanted to do her a favor and had assumed she would be happy about it.

“But Elsie, you said I owe you! You fixed my leg, you gave me food and let me stay all this time, so I wanted to pay you back somehow! I thought it would be good if you had more to sell than the few crabs you catch in those nets at the dock.”

“So you decided to steal my father’s boat?”, her voice was clearly angry and Nhagi'ra honestly couldn’t understand why.

“No!… Borrow it maybe?… I guess I should have asked first though…”, he admitted quietly and paused while Elsie nodded, before asking. “But why did you have it fixed when you aren’t planning to use it?”

She looked like she wanted to say “That’s none of your business!” but instead she crossed her arms in front of her chest and asked, “Who says I wasn’t planning to use it?”

“When though?”, the Miqo'te replied. “When there are no crabs left to sell and you will have to eat seaweed because you can’t afford food anymore?”

Elsie fell silent and somehow Nhagi'ra suddenly felt like he said something wrong. “I am sorry… It is none of my business…”

“No. You are right..”, the woman replied. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you.”

She let go of the rope and instead ran one hand over the hull of the boat. “You know, it was my father’s boat... When Dalamud’s shards caused the sea to rise we wanted to flee to the village. We hoped it would be far enough, high enough, so the water wouldn’t reach us there. But then that silly old fool went back! Said his boat wasn’t moored well enough and that it was our only way of making money, that we would starve without it!”, she explained and Nhagi'ra could see her fighting against tears and felt even worse for having asked at all.

“Of course he saved the stupid boat!”, she continued in a mocking tone. “It was damaged but still here the next morning! But my silly old father was washed away by the flood and never seen again! I thought if I just fixed that damn boat…”

Her voice trailed off and she stared to the sand at their feet with a sad expression.

“I am so sorry…”, Nhagi'ra offered, his ears flat at his head. “If I had known, I wouldn’t have…”

“No, it’s fine. You are right after all. Fixing this old thing may not give me my father back but since it is fixed now I should also use it!”

Just like that the shadow on her face was gone again and with expectation in her eyes she stared at him. When he just stared back cluelessly, she raised her eyebrows and pointed at the boat with one hand. “Now are you going to get this thing into the water or will I have to do that myself?”

Immediately Nhagi'ra snapped back to attention and hurried to push the boat the last few meters over the sand without more questions, although he certainly had a few.

Finally his feet reached the water and he felt the weight of the boat lifted from his arms as the vessel began to float. For a second they both just stared at it as if they were surprised that it really swam, then Elsie exclaimed. “Now, jump in, before it goes off without us!”

Hurriedly they climbed into the vessel and to Nhagi'ra’s surprise it was a weird and wobbly sensation beneath his feet. He hadn’t thought about it feeling much different than standing on solid ground, after all the ship that had brought him to Limsa Lominsa hadn’t swayed like this, but now he felt like the boat could capsize any moment and suddenly remembered that his swimming skills were really not the best.

While he still tried to steady himself, he heard Elsie chuckle. “Do you even know how to steer a boat?”, she asked with a hint of mockery in her voice.

“Uhm... maybe not...”, the Miqo'te hesitated. He had spent most of his life in the Black Shroud and his adventurer's work hadn’t brought him to the ocean before but after making such big announcements ealier he couldn’t admit that now, especially not to a girl from La Noscea, could he? So instead he put on a confident smile and asked, “But how difficult can it be?”

Elsie raised an eyebrow and grinned. “Oh, you think you can figure this out on your own? Be my guest!”

Nhagi'ra shrugged and started to work on what he assumed was the mechanism to set the small sail. For a few minutes he tried this and that but only managed to get himself tangled up in a rope and almost stumble overboard.

“More difficult than you thought, isn’t it?”, the Hyur woman chuckled.

“Maybe a little”, he murmured as he freed his leg from the rope that had curled around his ankle somehow. “Do YOU know how to steer this ship though?”

Elsie scoffed. “It’s a boat and of course I do! Do you honestly think my father didn’t teach me?”

Nhagi'ra shrugged. “Don’t know…”

“Why wouldn’t he? Because I’m not a man?”, she complained but her words lacked sharpness. Instead it sounded more sarcastic as she continued. “You thought I needed your help with this? Haven’t you learned your lesson the first time? You know, when you tried to save a poor helpless woman from a monster and ended up breaking your leg while she shooed off the creature by herself?”

Nhagi'ra rubbed his neck and felt his face heat up. “Sure, go ahead, rub salt into my wounds…”

Elsie laughed a high, clear laugh that was strangely infectious, so even Nhagi'ra had to grin about his own stupidity.

“Alright, please teach me the art of boat-steering, oh great master Elsie!”

Calmly and patiently she showed him how to set the small sail, taught him how to use the tiller to steer the ship into the right direction and explained to him how and where to best use what nets. Carefully he mimicked what she did and to his surprise it worked better than he had expected after his first failed attempt.

Nhagi'ra couldn’t tell how long they were gone but by the time the beach with the small dock and Elsie’s home appeared again on the horizon, the sky was already turning orange and he felt pretty exhausted. With combined strength they pulled the last fishing net back onto the boat and proudly the Miqo'te observed their catch.

“Woah! Look at that one! I’ve never seen a fish like that before!”

Elsie chuckled and clapped him on the back. “Quite a good catch for your first tour! Maybe you should consider a career change. I think we could make a decent fisherman out of you after all!”

[jennomess]

Help

I'm craving a sneezy young N/a'vi J/ake S/ully and I can not find a n y TvT.......

I'm just being comforted (tortured) by this gif where we were robbed the possibility TvT

[windupnamazu]

SIRENS FAVE ARSON WIVES BACK AT IT AGAIN || @to-the-voiceless

[blackestnight]

hey gang! y’all want to go to a WEDDING? the arson wives have made it a whole two years without actually burning down the sanctum and for some reason they’re letting us back in. tuesday 11/17, 7 pm cst, on siren! shoot me a dm if you’d like an invite!

[leza05]

Great ribbon cutting event & seeing lovely friends 😊 #cabistylewithleza #shopgnv #eatgnv #iamgnv #ribboncutting @gosia.and.ali @jolieavieeventspace #gainesville #gainesvilleflorida #florida #gnv #gnvfl #downtowngnv #bestofgainesville #yelpgnv #yelpgainesville #gainesvillerotaryclub #rotarian #ufalumni #music (at Jolie A'vie Events & Catering) https://www.instagram.com/p/B7_aqVXh0q7/?igshid=p27573zabm58

[avirael]

FFxivWrite 2024

Day 22 - Return (Free Day)

A part of Rael thought that all of this was going to smoothly. Or maybe for once they were simply lucky. Not only had they been able to free Flame General Raubahn from Ilberd’s imprisonment, it also seemed as if Sultana Nanamo truly wasn’t dead. Not only were this very good news on its own but it would also absolve the Scions from all accusations that had been made against them - public or not.

Going back to Vesper Bay and the Waking Sands still felt peculiar and so did hiding Raubahn there, but Yugiri had assured them that she herself had checked if the place was safe and not watched by their enemies. The Au Ra had so far proven one of their most loyal and competent allies and so Rael didn’t doubt her words.

Neither did they doubt the information Yugiri and her shinobi had gathered this time. Given the possibility that the sultana had only been poisened and was just asleep, instead of dead, the most likely person to know how to wake her up would be the one who had administered the poison. Suspiciously one of the sultana’s personal chambermaids had vanished from the palace without a trace only a few days after the incident.

Now Yugiri had apparently found out that the woman was hiding at no other place than the Silver Bazaar. The mention of this name alone made A’viloh’s ears attentively shoot up. Rael could only imagine what the prospect of returning to the place, that now was the closest thing to a home for him, must feel like.

Raubahn suggested that, to stay unseen for as long as possible and also to fasten their journey, it would be best to take a boat from Vesper Bay, around Crescent Cove and past the Beaconhill Lighthouse to travel to the Bazaar. For understandable reasons A’viloh visibly didn’t like this idea. But of course none of the persons present - except Rael - knew that A’viloh had not only lived at the Silver Bazaar for about a year but also had been washed ashore there after a shipwreck and likely the most horrible time of his life.

“Wouldn’t it be smarter to split up?”, Rael suggested. “If A’viloh and I travel over land, just the two of us, we could certainly stay undected. This way we could approach the settlement from both ways at the same time and make sure our target doesn’t get away.”

Nothing would happen to the Miqo’te of course on a simple boat trip from here to the Bazaar and he probably could not hide from this phobia forever but in this case Rael didn’t see any reason to make him unnecessarily uncomfortable. Besides, the reason they had brought up was in fact a good one and so it was decided that just as Rael had suggested the two of them would travel over land while the rest of them would take a boat. They would keep in contact via linkpearl and make sure both groups were safe and would arrive at the same time.

As expected their journey went without issues. The area was sparsely populated apart from Vesper Bay and Horizon but even there weren’t too many guards present and they passed without being recognised.

“We should speak to Kikipu first.”, Rael suggested as the two of them walked towards the settlement. “I am sure she knows best about everything happening at the Bazaar.”

Vehemently A’viloh nodded and if his tail hadn’t been hidden by his coat, Rael was sure it would have excitedly wagged back and forth. As they walked into the settlement Pipin approached them from the harbor side and decided to keep an eye on the gate, while A’viloh had already spotted the small Lalafell woman with the lavender colored hair.

“Hello…”, he said shyly as they stepped toward her, almost as if he felt bad for having vanished for so long without a word.

Surprised she turned around and looked up to the familiar voice. Upon seeing the Miqo’te in his disguise, which obviously did nothing to hide his identity from her, the surprise on her face turned into a mix of disbelief and relieved happiness.

“A’vi? Is it really you?”, she asked quietly.

The Miqo’te knelt down, pulled back his hood and apologetically smiled at her. “Hello, Kikipu.”

Instantly the Lalafell raised her hands to her mouth and her eyes got glassy. “A’vi! My boy! I missed you so much! I was so horribly worried something could have happened to you.”

A’viloh leant forward, hugging her tightly and she returned the hug in equal manner. “I missed you too! And I am so sorry I left without saying goodbye or at least sending a letter. Believe me, I thought about it. But I feared it would only put you in danger…”

“In danger?”, Kikipu asked a little shocked. “So something happened after all? There were rumours about turmoil in the city that day you visited the festivities at the palace.”

“I can’t explain everything now, but I promise that I will soon. Just know that whatever you heard about us is nothing but lies.”, A’viloh pleaded, holding her tiny hands tightly in his own.

“I thought so...”, she said and nodded firmly. “A few days after the festivities strange, unfriendly men in blue uniforms appeared here and started asking questions about you.”

“The Crystal Braves?”, A’viloh asked alarmed. “Did they harm you?”

“Harm me? You think I let anybody bully me?”, the Lalafell laughed. “I said you weren’t here and told them to get lost!”

A’viloh chuckled. “Yes, I can imagine that.”

“But why are you here now?”, Kikipu wondered.

“We are looking for a midlander woman, who was one of the sultana’s chambermaids. It is possible she is to blame for what happened at the palace that day.”, A’viloh explained and added, “But I promise, we only want to talk to her.”

“Meriel?”, the Lalafell asked surprised and A’viloh nodded. “Yes, that was her name!”

„I admit she seemed troubled when she returned from the city but I never would have suspected her to be involved in something bad…“, she seemed seriously unsettled by this news. „To think that maybe you got in trouble because of her… Oh, what a fool I was!“

„No, don’t blame yourself.“, the Miqo’te comforted her. „You did nothing wrong. I know you would never turn away someone needing help.“

So far Rael had only watched and it had been truly heartwarming to see the two of them reunited, but during the whole time Rael had also scanned the rest of the town, watching the others questioning some of the remaining villagers and keeping an eye out for their target. Rael preferred to find the woman in question before she noticed the unusual visitors and decided to flee.

„Can we speak to Meriel though?“, Rael asked impatiently and Kikipu hesitantly nodded and pointed towards one of the buildings. „She lives there.“

Once again A‘viloh hugged her.

„I promise we will speak later. But this matter cannot wait sadly…”

Kikipu smiled and patted his head.

“Just don’t vanish again without a word.”

[avirael]

Empty Chairs at Empty Tables

Returning to the Rising Stones gave A‘viloh a strange feeling. In a way everything had returned to normal. The sultana was not truly dead and would recover fully. The Scions were acquitted of all accusations and A‘viloh and Rael were allowed to travel Ul’dah and the rest of Eorzea again without fearing capture.

But to be honest nothing felt like it had returned to normal. Not here and not at all. The Rising Stones felt foreign and empty. The place had clearly been ransacked and only a handful of people had returned. There were a few familiar faces still but everyone who had made this place a safe haven for A‘viloh was gone.

Sure, Riol and the others promised to search for the Scions, and beside the Shinobi now the Immortal Flames too had begun looking for them. But so far Yugiri hadn’t found any clues and A‘viloh worried that there weren’t any to find at all. Or worse, that what they’d find would only prove all of his worst fears true.

“If they are alive, Yugiri and the others will find them…”, Rael said and placed a hand on A’viloh’s shoulder as he stared at the empty chairs and tables around the room. But the dark expression didn’t want to leave his face. “And what if they aren’t?”

For a moment Rael stayed silent and made a face as if they wanted to tell him that everything would be fine. But Rael couldn’t know that for sure and they weren’t one to tell lies.

“…then we find out anyway. At least we will know what happened then and get some closure.”

Closure? Rael should know that A‘viloh was not good at this. He had never been, had never known how to let go and move on. His mind had never let him and if it wasn’t actively reminding him of his losses and failures, they still would frequently return to haunt him in his sleep. His demons knew no closure.

Rael scowled as the Miqo’te grimaced. “You do know, that they are MY friends too, right A‘vi? I‘m worried about them too but while they are gone - and I want to believe they will all return safely - but while they are gone we must continue doing what they want us to. We cannot do much to help the search but we can maybe prevent Ishgard‘s destruction.”

Absentmindedly A‘viloh nodded. “You‘re right. I am sorry…”

But he could not tear his eyes away from the place were their friends had so often sat down to eat or talk or just spent time together. He could still invision it so clearly. Even without the echo the memory was still so vivid in his mind, it was as if he could imagine their ghosts sitting right here this very moment.

For a short second he was presumptuous enough to wonder if this was how Hraesvelgr and Nidhogg felt…

[avirael]

Shattered

The sound of a light chuckle brought A’viloh back to to his senses from the brink of sleep.

With heavy eyelids he blinked and realised that he had almost fallen asleep in one of the armchairs in front of the roaring fireplace of the living room of Fortemps Manor.

Beside the fireplace stood Haurchefant with two cups in his hands and continued to laugh as the Miqo’te looked at him with drowsy confusion.

“I am barely gone for five minutes and you already fall asleep? It must have been quite a day, huh?”

Without really being able to recall why he was so exhausted, A’viloh agreed, “It was…”

“Here!”, the Elezen said and pressed one of the warm cups into A’viloh’s hands. “I’ll keep you company for a few more minutes but then you should get some rest. Tomorrow everything will look brighter again.”

“Thank you.”, a honest smile appeared on the Miqo’te’s face. Haurchefants optimism never failed to cheer him up.

“It’s no wonder though that you’ve almost fell asleep. It’s quite comfortable here, isn’t it?”, Haurchefant pondered in regards of the always burning faceplace and richly cushioned furniture. “But your sweater also seems very soft and cozy. I like the color too, it looks very nice on you.”

“Oh! Thank you…”, A’biloh murmured a little embarrassed. He had made this sweater with Tataru’s help from some wool he had bought at Camp Cloudtop. “I made it myself. It’s really nothing special though…”

“Nothing special? I don’t know, I think such a Talent is quite admirable! I for my part would not be able to make something like this.”, the Elezen laughed and wasn’t going to let A’viloh belittle his own skills. “Besides, Alphinaud told me you are quite talented at all kinds of crafts, even at forging weapons and armour. Is that really true?”

“Sort of.”, A’viloh admitted. “But Rael and I work together on things most of the time, so it’s not just my skills really…”

“Ah, you two are such a wonderful team! Together you can probaby do anything! Besides, I find such craftsmanship very impressive!”, Haurchefant praised. “Do you think you could forge something for sometime? I would feel very honored! Maybe a new chain mail or a better shield!”

Still a little embarrased A’viloh shrugged. “Sure, why not? I would be happy to…”

The Elezen grinned bright and friendly as he nonchalantly said, “Maybe if you had done so sooner, I would still be alive…”

For a second he was simply confused. Then an uneasy feeling unfurled in A’viloh’s chest as he realised that something was wrong.

Horribly wrong.

Suddenly the cup in Haurchefant’s hands slipped through his fingers. Loudly it crashed to the floor, bursting into myriads of unfixable pieces and spilling the hot liquid across the carpet.

Alarmed A‘viloh looked back up only to find the Elezen raise a hand to his chest and stare down in shock as it was immediately stained red with blood.

Gasping for air Haurchefant sank to his knees and clawed his hands into the fabric of A’viloh’s sweater, trying to steady himself. Helplessly he stared as Haurchefant coughed and gasped, slowly suffocating on his own blood, while little splatters of it landed on the Miqo’te’s face.

Finally his grip loosened and as if in slow motion Haurchefants sank to the floor of the living room at A’viloh’s feet, lying motionless, while the carpet was slowly stained red by a puddle of blood that grew bigger and bigger and bigger.

With dead eyes the Elezen stared up to him and through red lips and teeth he murmured in a ghostly echoing voice, “I wish I never met you. I wish I let you die in that blizzard. I saved your life and offered you all my love. And as reward you killed me. You killed me. You killed me…”

A’viloh woke up screaming.

With a jolt he sat up and buried his face in his hands as he realised it had just been a nightmare. He shivered and looked through the unfamiliar, sparsely furnished inn room. The flames in the fire place had long died and left the room to a cold, dark atmosphere, barely illuminated by the moon shining in through the window.

Right, he remembered. He had fled here after… Oh, if only all of this had just been a nightmare too.

Unsuccessfully he tried to suppress the memory that flared up in his mind again.

After the incident it had taken Rael and Alphinaud quite a bit of persuasion to make A’viloh leave the side of their fallen friend and steer the Miqo’te’s dazed body back to Fortemps Manor. Once there he had barely dared to look Lord Fortemps or Artoirel and Emmanellain in the eyes, yet alone say anything.

And as he had watched Haurchefant’s father crumble and fall to his knees in grief, something had simply shattered inside of A’viloh. Then and there he had whirled around and ran. How insolent his presence there must have been, offering nothing more than empty excuses while their son and brother lay dead because of him.

After aimlessly walking the city until it was dark and his body began to feel numb from the cold, A’viloh had decided to seek refuge at the Forgotten Knight. He would not return to Fortemps Manor, so Haurchefant’s family would not have to tolerate seeing his face ever again. Or maybe he just didn’t want to see their’s.

Gibrillont had looked at the Miqo’te’s distressed appearance with worry but had gladly not asked any questions and just given him a room where he could stay and rest.

Still he shivered, only partially because of the cold, and tried to push the nightmare and the memories away. Tried to convince himself that Haurchefant would never say something like this. Nonetheless he could not help but think that the words had only been the truth.

As the shock about the nightmare finally faded, miserable sobs began to echo through the silence. Like a puppet with their strings cut he fell back onto the mattress and curled up, tightly wrapping his arms around his own body, as he shook violently and cried until there were no tears left.

Maybe at some point he would finally fall asleep again, not that his dreams would grant him much rest.

If only he would simply never wake up again.

If only he had never been born.

[avirael]

FFxivWrite 2024

Day 29 - Keepsake

They attacked at night. When everyone was asleep, when no one expected it. The women and children they could have easily subdued as soon as they were out of side of the settlement. But the men? The men may have been naive and tired but they also were angry from all the years they spent on the run and then in the hellhole of a town that had been Little Ala Mhigo.

They were afraid the men would give them trouble, so of course - like the cowards they were - they attacked them when they least expected it. In their sleep with spears pointed at their faces or blades at their throats. Torn from their dreams of a better future in the blink of an eye. The motivation and promises - it had all been a devious game of lies from the very beginning.

A’viloh was awoken by a sharp scream. And so was Laqa who had slept close beside him, arms wrapped around each other to keep one another warm in this cold winter night. Startled by the horrible scream A‘viloh had tried to sit up but Laqa had instinctively held him back and pulled him closer, trying to protect him.

„Shhh…“, he had whispered almost silently and signaled for A‘viloh to stay still. Laqa did not move but his eyes and ears scanned their environment. With one hand he steadied himself on the ground while the other reached for the dagger at his belt. Then as one of the armed men stepped closer, still thinking them asleep, Laqa leapt up like a snake that had waited for the right moment to strike.

A‘viloh, still with no clue what was happening at all, turned around to get a better look at the small makeshift camp they had set up for the night. Shocked he pressed a hand to his mouth, to keep himself from screaming as he saw the chaos unfolding in front of him.

He did not immediately recognise the people attacking them as the same ones who had promised to bring them into the city and give them work there, so they wouldn’t have to live in one of the slums outside of Ul‘dah’s gates. But he recognised the people that were pressed to the ground crying and screaming, while armed men tied them up. He recognised an ala mhigan man that had reached for his sword and tried to fight the attackers off, only to be hopelessly outnumbered. He was too proud to give up and threw all he had at his opponents, only to be struck down by a sword striking him from behind.

With a sudden burst of panic A‘viloh‘s eyes searched for Laqa, finding him only a few yalms away, still fighting against one of the men. Swiftly he swung his dagger at his opponent but his range just wasn’t good enough, at least fighting against a much taller enemy with a sword. Defensively he leapt back a little as the sword swung down towards him, trying to block the hit with his dagger. It slowed down the blow but his opponent was a lot stronger than him and kept pushing. Ilm by ilm the blade moved closer to his face and A‘viloh felt too petrified to do anything but watch in horror.

Then with an angry growl Laqa brought up his other hand, and grabbed the sharp blade of the sword, pushing against it with both arms, to keep the man at a distance. For a moment this trial of strength almost seemed equal, if not for the blood dripping off of Laqa‘s hand and running down his opponent’s sword. Then suddenly another man swiftly stepped closer and used the pommel of his weapon to hit Laqa against the side of his head.

With a scared shriek A‘viloh rushed forward to the other Miqo’te, who had instantly collapsed to the ground and now lay there unconscious. Protectively A‘viloh threw his body over Laqa‘s and, lacking any other means of denfense, hissed at the attackers. But the two men simply laughed about such a weak attempt of resistance. Roughly one of them grabbed A‘viloh by his arms and pulled him away, and in no time both of them had their hands tied up just like all the other innocent people who had traveled with them.

By the time the attackers had secured all of them and checked everyone for hidden weapons the sun already began to rise. A‘viloh shivered, lying curled up by Laqa‘s side, as the other Miqo’te slowly regained his consciousness and groaned in pain.

„Laqa!“, A‘viloh exclaimed silently and helped him sit up as good as he could with both his own hands tied up too.

„Vi?…“, the other Miqo’te said dazed. „Are you alright?“

A‘viloh nodded and looked down to his tied wrists. „Better than you at least…“

With a quiet hiss of pain Laqa unfurled his hand and looked at the deep red cut inside his palm. Carefully he tried to move his fingers, which fortunately still worked, but at the same time the movement made the wound start bleeding again.

„Hold still!“, A’viloh demanded and needed a moment to awkwardly peel a soft deep-green scarf from his own neck with his tied up hands. „Let me bandage that up.“

But Laqa pulled back his palm, knowing fully well how important that piece of clothing was to A‘viloh - the only keepsake he had of his dead mother. „No! Not with this! It will only get dirty…“

Witha sad smile A‘viloh nodded, took Laqa’s hand and pulled it closer again. „It will, but this is more important. The cut will only keep on bleeding otherwise and you shouldn’t get dust and sand into it. I can try to clean the scarf if we make it out of this alive, but I cannot heal you hand…“

„I am so sorry…“, Laqa murmured while A‘viloh bandaged his hand but it sounded like more than just an apology for ruining A’viloh’s precious scarf.

„It‘s not your fault…“, A’viloh insisted, wrapping the thin, light fabric around Laqa‘s hand a few times, before making a knot and wrapping the rest of it around his lower arm.

With a guilty expression Laqa looked to the ground and stayed silent. Still slightly shaking, A‘viloh shifted to sit closely beside him and rested his head on Laqa‘s shoulder. With a sigh the blonde Miqo’te tilted his head to rest on A’viloh’s. „I am sorry, Vi… You have to be so scared...“

„I am.“, A‘viloh admitted and closed his eyes. „But I was more scared about you…“

[avirael]

FFxivWrite 2024

Day 03 - Tempest

(Content warning for slavery and violence)

It was the sound of the pouring rain that brought A'viloh back to his senses in the middle of the night.

Even down here, lying on the dirty old floorboards of the crew‘s quarters, he could hear the heavy raindrops drumming against the hull of the ship.

For some reason the slavers hadn’t locked him up again with the others as they usually did when they were done with torturing one of them. Vaguely he remembered how he had gotten here and immediately wished the rain hadn’t awoken him from his stupor.

He pressed his eyes shut hoping to go back to that hazy numbness, that somtimes graciously spirited his mind away when the monsters returned to fetch him from the cell. He didn’t want to be here and if he couldn’t change physically being here, he at least wanted to be elsewhere mentally.

He was so tired. So exhausted. But he knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep, not here. Sometimes he thought he would never be able to sleep again at all.

In the distance he heard the creaking of a wooden door and with it not only footsteps appeared but also the noise of howling wind outside. Heavy boots made the floor tremble right beside his head and he prayed to remain unnoticed, as if a naked Miqo'te with long tangled fire-red hair sprawled all over the floor was something that could just turn invisible. Maybe if he prentended good enough though they would think he was dead and throw him overboard or at least leave him alone for a while.

The man who had entered the room however didn’t pay any attention to him. Nonetheless his angry deep voice startled A‘viloh as the man began to shout.

„Get yer asses o‘ hammock ‘n onto deck! The Seven Hells be breakin‘ loose up thar! The cap‘n wants all o‘ ye ugly bilge rats t‘ muck in!“

A few ill-humoured groans echoed through the room and after another impatient yell by the first mate the remaining crew members reluctantly crawled out of their hammocks and up the stairs leading to the deck of the ship.

One of them stumbled over A'viloh in his drunken half-sleep but luckily just got up again with a string of profanities on his lips but without really taking notice of him.

Then the Miqo'te was left alone in the dark stuffy room and finally dared to breath again. And as the thunder outside began to growl and everything turned silent apart from the muffled sound of the storm, he allowed himself to cry. For a long while his pained bitter sobs where all he could hear until with a deafening crash another lightning struck down from the sky and made the whole ship tremble.

Alarmed A'viloh shrieked and stared up to the ceiling with his arms raised in defense. This sound had been too loud, too close, and the yells on deck got louder and more nervous too. For a a few moment he just lay there and listened, trying to understand what was going on.

Something was wrong.

This is your chance!, a voice whispered in his head but he knew better than to listen to it. The first time he had tried to flee - or whatever you would call the only way to escape from a ship in the middle of the ocean - he had been caught quickly. Immediately they had noticed him running over the deck and before he could even get one leg over the railing they had grabbed him. Their punishment had been severe and the black and blue bruises all over his body still reminded him never to misbehave again.

But what if you all break out at once?, the voice whispered. Now they are distracted. There won’t be a better opportunity.

Weakly A'viloh tried to sit up but every single part of his body protested. He hadn’t eaten anything in days except for a few crumbs of moldy hard bread they had thrown to their captives. Neither did all the bruises covering his body help, nothing dangerous that wouldn’t heal but it hurt nonetheless. He remembered the captain ordering his crew not to damage his cargo beyond repair, after all he still planned to sell them all. And yet A'viloh was quite sure one of them had broken his tail earlier that evening and apart from this he also felt pretty much beyond repair too.

Suddenly something upstairs creaked dangerously followed by a loud crash and more shouting. Whatever was going on there, seemed to be more than a small problem. Maybe no one would see him distracted by the turmoil…

With his eyes always fixed on the doorway he wrapped himself in the tattered rugs he had been given instead of his clothes and slowly crawled towards the stairs. He used the doorframe as support to get onto his feet but his legs felt so wobbly he more stumbled up the staircase than walked. However when he saw the chaos unfolded outside he froze in his his steps.

One of the the two masts had broken and fallen sideways, maybe struck by the lightning A'viloh had heard earlier, causing a great amount of damage to the ship. There was fire, bright and hot, greedily spreading itself over the deck of the ship and everyone seemed to run around without coordination, trying to put out the flames or pulling on some ropes, to at least keep the rest of the ship working. For a moment A'viloh just stared in disbelief before one realisation flared up clearly in his mind.

The ship is going to sink.

He whirled around in panic and ran down the first and also the second pair of stairs as fast as he could, down to the cargo hold of the ship. Weakly he threw himself against the heavy wooden door and rattled at the handle. A face appeared behind the little barred window. He couldn’t recognise it in the dark but the voice sounded familiar.

„A'viloh? You are back! What is going on? Are you alright?“

He didn’t answer the question and instead kept pulling on the doorhandle with as much energy as he still possessed. Of course it didn’t open.

„It is locked“, he croaked and noticed how thin and hoarse and miserable his own voice sounded to him. Disheartened he added, „I think the ship is going down…“

Wasn’t that what he had wished for? For these monsters to get their rightful punishment? Hadn’t he been willing to welcome death gratefully if it meant for him to get away from here?

Why did he still feel so terrified then?

„Do you know where the key is?“, the voice on the other side of the door asked. Nervously A'viloh searched the room in front of the door for any clues but could only shake his head.

„I think the guy with that ugly scar on his face has it.“, another voice called from inside the cell. „You have to get it, A‘viloh! You have to get us out of here!“

Horrified he stared into the darkness of the cell. He would never be able to steal the key from one of these men, especially not if he had to search for him in that chaos upstairs first. And what if they caught him?

„Please!“, one of the Ala Mhigan girls cried in fear but to A'viloh it felt like a slap through his face.

They were all going to die unless he did something. So he nodded and turned around, running up the stairs again. He at least had to try.

When he arrived on the deck wind and rain greeted him, but despite the rain the fire had already gotten worse. Hesitantly he stayed hidden in the half-dark of the doorframe and tried to find the man the woman had spoken about but with smoke and chaos everywhere this wasn’t an easy task.

After a few moments that felt like an eternity his eyes finally landed on a man at the front of the ship, pulling with all his power on a rope attached to the front mast. A'viloh thought he recognized his hair and his clothes even without seeing his face and indeed he spotted a key ring fixed at the side of his belt.

As quickly as he could he sneaked along the side of the ship, trying to stay unseen and avoid running into any of the pirates. But they had different things to worry about anyway…

Carefully he climbed the handful of steps leading up to the front deck, not that anyone would have heard the boards creak through the noise of this tempest.

There right in front of him the man stood with his back turned to him, focused on his work, and at his belt the wanted key ring.

Slowly he stretched out his hand.

Just a little more.

Then another loud crash split the air.

For a second A'viloh thought he had lost his hearing but then he heard the man in front of him scream.

Panicked he jumped backwards in fear but the scream hadn’t been directed towards him. Instead the man retreated while he stared up to the mast, which had apparently been struck by another lightning. Slowly the material cracked and the mast started to tilt. A'viloh could see the thoughts racing on the man‘s face, as he quickly dropped the rope and tried to run away. He wasn't fast enough though. In a slow but unstoppable movement the mast fell towards the back of the ship burying probably a dozen of men beneath it. The weight of the impact tore a gaping hole into the deck and made huge chunks of broken wood fly in all directions.

For a moment most of the screams apart from the wails of wounded had gone silent. Then through the noise of thunder, wind and rain the ship started to groan. A deep, ominous sound that made A'viloh shudder.

Luckily he had remained unharmed by the accident and briefly he wondered if he could reach for the keys still at the belt of the man who lay buried beneath the front mast a few yalms away from him.

But then with another ugly crunching sound the hull of the ship, weakened by the fire and the damage, broke apart.

The whole vessel tilted dangerously sideways.

For A'viloh on his shaky legs it seemed impossible to remain standing.

With a yelp he fell to the floor and began to roll over the wet planks of the more and more tilting ship.

He tried to hold on to something but before he could find anything his back painfully hit the railing of the ship.

For the tiniest moment he was flying.

Then he hit the water.

Shocked he gasped for air but instead swallowed a mouthful of sea water. The ocean felt cold but the salty water burned. In his eyes, in the scratches all over his body, in his lungs. He had never learned how to swim, not that he would have had the power to do so now. Instead he helpless struggled against the waves and tried to reach for a piece of wood that swam in the water beside him.

But the slippery surface escaped his fingers and another wave of angry water hit him, almost pushing him under. Gasping and coughing he thrashed around, trying to stay afloat.

Then finally he got a grip on the broken piece of the ship’s hull. With the last bit of his energy he pulled his body onto the lifesaving piece of the wreckage, before he fainted.

[avirael]

Don’t they both look very excited about the new outfit? 🤭

(I’m not quite sure if it fits either of them…)

[avirael]

FFxivWrite 2024

Day 25 - Perpetuity

Rael had seen many impressive and fantastical thing already in their short life, from the deepest corners of the Golmore Jungle and throughout all the lands they had traveled. But never had they seen something that was so terrifying and beautiful at the same time as one of the great wyrms.

On white feathery wings the dragon Hraesvelgr had descended from the sky and his presence alone radiated such an ancient powerful energy that it made Rael’s skin crawl in awe. They could hear him speak aloud, a deep voice in a strange tongue, that sounded foreign and familiar alike. But at the same time it felt like his words echoed in their mind and in their soul and Rael, as well as the others, seemed to understand Hraesvelgr perfectly well.

He didn’t seem aggressive but neither was he particularly friendly. Instead he bluntly told Ysaile what he thought about her fantasy of being Shiva reborn.

“The spirit thou hast summoned belongeth not to Shiva, 'tis but a shade conjured by thine own fancy. In an age long past, mine own kin were guilty of like folly. Beguiled by the dark ones' lies, they attempted to resurrect a king amongst wyrms, who thou hath slain — yet the divinity they called forth merely borrowed the semblance of my fallen brood-brother. Such gods are not summoned, but created. Phantoms spun from the threads of misplaced faith. The spirit you summoned was but thy dream of Shiva. Thy souls hath been corrupted by a deity of thine own making, child.”

Ysaile was visibly shocked by this revelation and the others seemed quite speecheless to. But as horrible as this news was, it had not been what they came here for. So before the dragon would see their conversation as over and rise back into the sky, Rael called out to him.

“Be that as it may, Lord Hraesvelgr, Ysayle's desire to heal the rift between man and dragon is real, and it has borne us this far. We would spare both our kind and yours the ravages of this senseless war! Please join your voice to ours in a call for peace and forgiveness!”

But Hraesvelgr only angrily turned his head towards Rael and made a deep growling sound.

“The tale of thy kind is one of avarice, treachery, and death ─ and thou wouldst speak to me of peace, dragonslayer? The blood of mine brothers and sisters is on thine hands. Old and new blood, thine souls reek of it. Hark thee, mortal, to the naked truth...then tell me thou deservest forgiveness!”

Then the great dragon revealed some truths to them against which the real nature of Shiva paled in comparison.

A thousand years ago, he claimed, the first King Thordan, craving the strength of the dragons eyes, had murdered Ratatoskr — one of the first brood and therefore sister to both Hraesvelgr and Nidhogg. They ate her eyes, to gain the dragons power, and so condemned their descendants to Nidhoggs vengeance and a never-ending war.

Rael could feel that every single of Hraesvelgr’s words was true, no matter how bitterly Estinien argued against it.

And while this truth did nothing to better the ongoing slaughter of innocents, the wrath of the dragons was undeniably justified.

In Rael’s opinion the fact that each of the murderer’s descendants, which likely was almost all of Ishgard, still carried a piece of Ratatoskr‘s essence in them, was pure irony.

All these highly faithful people, the kind as well as the arrogant ones, the so-called heretics and those holy men judging them, were in reality almost dragons themself — only a small drop of blood away from transforming into the very thing they had been taught to hate.

The dragons had been the first victims of this war, and they would never forgive and make peace. This became very clear as Hraesvelgr mourned his sister and explained to them the dragon’s nature of perception and memory.

“The betrayal that yet haunts mine every waking moment is no less than the truth to my kind. Fain would I strike the image from my mind, yet still the scene doth linger ─ of my brood-sister's tattered corpse, defiled by her Elezen allies. Thou thinkest in mortal terms. Our perception of time is too broad for thee to grasp. For a wyrm such as Nidhogg, however, that history is yet part of his present, as fresh as the blood that did gush from Ratatoskr's wounds. How could he not be driven mad?”

Rael realised that he was right and that Nidhogg would never be appeased by apologies or compensation. For as long as he felt the pain and rage over his sister’s death, which was forever, he would return again and again to let Ishgard feel his vengeance.

But if their mission of peace was destined to fail, what other option remained. Estinien would certainly suggest slaying Nidhogg, but neither did Rael wish death upon the dragon nor did they think his kin would not want to avenge him and wage war against Isgard even more furiously. They would have to slaughter each and every single one of Nidhogg‘s kin to end this conflict, a thought that made Rael nauseous.

While the Viera still tried to desperately find another solution, A‘viloh did something entirety unexpected. Unexpected and reckless.

In fear Rael held their breath as the small Miqo’te slowly stepped forward, closer and closer to the giant dragon. Soothingly A‘viloh raised his arms as Hraesvelgr turned his head towards him with a threatening growl, his sharp teeth bared.

But the Miqo’te didn’t flinch away.

Instead he looked at the dragon and rested a hand on one of his curved horns. Slowly his arms reached around it, as far as he could, in the closest thing to an embrace he could offer. Then he rested one side of his head against the dragons horn and closed his eyes.

„I am so sorry.“, he said, while everything else was deadly silent.

None of them had even thought of offering apologies or condolences to Hraesvelgr, guilty or not. His tale a cruel one, shocking even, but still so distant to them. Little could they understand his pain. Only A'viloh had found the compassion and bravery to at least try to comfort the giant dragon.

For a moment no one dared to speak or move. Then the great wyrm huffed deeply, which made the Miqo’te loosen their grip and look up, while his long red hair was whirled around by the dragons breath. Rael could already imagine Hraesvelgr razor-sharp claws and teeth tearing poor, silly A‘viloh to shreds.

Instead the great wyrm slowly raised his head again and spoke a little more calmly than before.

„Thine words are meant well, mortal, but they could never soothe my pain or my wrath. It is only by the calming embrace of Shiva‘s soul that mine own fury hath not consumed me. But let us speak no more of what is done. My faith in your kind is spent, and I would be alone.“

Then without another sound he unfurled his wings and rose to the sky. Stunned they watched him vanish between the clouds. Only then Rael dared to breathe again.

[avirael]

FFxivWrite 2024

Day 05 - Stamp

“What are you reading there?”, a familiar voice pulled A'viloh from his thoughts as he browsed through the notebook in his lap. He looked up to find Rael standing beside him.

“Ah, Rael! There you are! Did Rowena have what we need?”

“Fortunately yes!”, the Viera said and tossed a small bag with crafting materials to A'vi while they said down on the stairs beside him. “What kind of book is that?”

“Oh, that!”, A'viloh exclaimed, closed the notebook and handed it to Rael. “Zhloe’s little sister gave it to me while I waited for you!”

Rael took the book an turned it over in their hands. It was a rough leather cover with one leather cord to keep it closed and another one threaded in at th back to keep some rough paper sheets fixed inside. It was clearly self-made and although the workmanship wasn’t the best it seemed to do what it was supposed to do. Wondrous Tails was written in uneven letters on the cover and Rael had to smirk about the funny spelling mistake.

In the inside of the notebook Rael found lots of uneven pages divided by colorful pieces of papers. Most pages were still blank apart from empty grids consisting of wobbly lines and a few words scrawled here and there in the handwriting of a child.

The first few pages however had some notes on them already, written in a familiar small handwriting, that looked at least a tiny bit more clean and practiced, and a few tiny doodles here and there. The content of these texts surprised Rael.

“This one describes Ifrit? Did you write that, A'vi?”

“I did!”, A'viloh nodded. “Zhloe told her sister about us and so Khloe asked me for help because she thought there must be lots of adventurous stories we have to tell! You know, there are quite a few orphans here in Idyllshire and Khloe wants to cheer them up with exciting stories. I found the idea very cute, so I decided to help her. I mean, if it makes these kids happy I can afford a few minutes to write some things down in here, right?”

“Hmmm…”, Rael made and browsed a few more of the pages. “That sound like a very sweet idea to be honest. I just hope our stories are not too exciting for them…”

Excitedly A'viloh’s ears twitched up. “Our? So you want to help too?”

“Maybe”, the Viera shrugged. “Why not?…”

A'viloh beamed. “Great! She’s going to be so happy about this!”

So much excitement made Rael smile faintly too. After a few more pages they paused and pointed to another of these wobbly grids, just that this one wasn’t empty but instead had a few colorful stamps on it. A tiny yellow chocobo baby in one corner, a dancing green cactuar in another and also what looked like a birthday cake on one side of the grid.

“Oh these!”, A'viloh added and pointed at the colorful stamps. “See, for each story we write down Khloe will give us one stamp and once we have a certain number she promised me a reward!”

“A reward?”, with a disbelieving smirk on their face Rael raised an eyebrow. “What kind of reward would a little girl have to offer? Seashells and pebbles?”

“That’s rude!”, the Miqo'te scolded. “She says she sometimes gets some things for free from Rowena, which she wants to trade for stories.”

The look on Rael’s face turned even more incredulous. “Rowena doesn’t give anything useful away for free, you know that A'vi. Better don’t expect much…”

But A'viloh just shrugged. “I would be fine with a pretty pebble or seashell. It’s not really about the reward. I just wanted to help these kids…”

Thoughtfully Rael nodded and browsed back a few pages to look at A'viloh’s entries. On one page they paused and pointed a small doodle that looked like a particularly wrinkled potato with tiny legs and arms as well as an angry face drawn onto it.

“What’s that?”

“What? You can’t tell?”, A'viloh asked and folded his arms in front of his chest. “That’s Titan of course!”

“Titan?”, Rael replied and began to laugh. For a moment A'viloh just stared at them angrily but then he had to laugh too.

“Maybe I will leave the doodles to you next time…”

[avirael]

The City of Stone & Ice

Ishgard - At first Rael thought it a cold and uninviting city, artificial and made out of nothing but dead, grey stones, populated by equally cold and uninviting people. They had never been in a place further away and more different from their home.

Coerthas had already felt very disconnected to Rael, but there they had at least still sensed the ghosts of all the lifes that the calamity had buried under a thick suffocating blanket of ice and snow. They had still felt the echoes of what this land had once been and could easily imagine the green flowery meadows, the wide golden farmlands and sweetly smelling orchards that this landscape had once harboured.

But now Coerthas was only pines and snow and stone as far as the eye could see. The fauna too must have been very different before. Only a few resilient peaceful species had managed to adapt to the new climate, while vast areas were mostly populated by more hostile creatures nowadays. It remained yet to be seen what the sudden changes of the environment had done to the people living in this frozen land.

When Haurchefant had told them the news - that they were to be welcomed in Ishgard as guests of his father, the first outsiders since the calamity - Rael had thoroughly evaluated this development with a mixture of scepticism and worry.

Neither did they think that a secluded city-state like Ishgard would be much help in their current situation, which still meant clearing their names from regicide and finding their friends - or what remained of them -, nor was Rael naive enough to believe that such an invitation would be offered out of sheer kindness alone, without a second thought or some favor expected in return.

But mostly Rael wasn’t sure what another sudden change of scenery would to do A'viloh.

Many weeks had passed since that night he almost died out there in the merciless cold landscape of Coerthas and although he seemed to feel much better now, Rael still feared that whatever change their visit to Ishgard would bring might destabilise him yet again. Some days, when the Viera saw him struggle, they thought that maybe the two of them weren’t so different. Destined for a calm life in some secluded small village. But while Rael had decidedly thrown their whole being against this fate, A'viloh had been pulled into all of this against his own will and now simply had missed the right point to opt out. Rael knew it was a cruel thought but occasionally they thought that, given the chance, A'viloh wouldn’t hesitate a second to just go back to the boring, peaceful life he was used to.

And on other days, seeing how much he tried and tried and tried despite everything, they wanted to kick themself for ever thinking so.

In fact A'viloh had grown accustomed to life at Camp Dragonhead quite quickly after his recovery. Of course he often whined about the cold weather or the lack of comfort but he also tried his best to repay the hospitality they were granted by making himself useful. While Rael had practiced magic mit Alphinaud, A'viloh had started training again too. At first with a young ishgardian noblewoman, who belonged to Ishgard‘s infamous dragoons, and later, as Yuguri reappeared, also with her. He was an eager student, always willing to learn, always aiming to impress his teachers with his result, but mostly trying to prove himself, to grow stronger. It was almost impossible to miss the glint in his eyes when something he thought beyond his capabilities finally worked and even more so when his efforts actually helped someone, as tiny as that help might be.

Some days he even laughed in a way that did not just seem like out of politeness. Then he smiled and laughed with all his heart, not just at the stories Haurchefant told them over warm drinks in the flicker of a fire place but also about small things. At the sun when it was a particularly nice day and at the small sparrow on his windowsill for which he had developed a habit of stealing grains from the kitchen.

A'viloh had found his place here at Camp Dragonhead and while Rael knew that all of this was only a temporary solution they feared that whatever might come next, whatever they might find, in war-torn Ishgard as well as in their research regarding the happenings in Ul’dah, would only upset him again.

As they arrived now in this icy town such a fear seemed to be entirely unnecessary though. Venturing beyond the area known to them, past the Gates of Judgement and along the Steps of Faith, the giant bridge spanning across the Holy Sea, had been exciting without doubt. A journey into a territory not many people were allowed to visit these days. Even though the wind had picked up and made him shiver A'viloh’s eyes had been turned upwards, sparkling brightly with curiosity and fixed on the city with all its towers and spires.

It was an impressive view of course, Rael had to admit that, and certainly there were a lot of things to see and learn here which they had only read about in books so far. But still there was also an ominous feeling in the pit of their stomach, like a distant foreign whisper warning them to be careful.

The city itself with all it’s tall buildings and grand plazas crafted by extraordinary stonemasons was nothing either of them had seen before. But while Rael had not missed the glimpses that followed them wherever they went and the way they were carefully ushered away from the parts of town that looked rather desolate, A'viloh as well as Tataru and Alphinaud seemed entirely transfixed by the beautiful strangeness of this place - even despite the cold.

A lot warmer had been their welcome with House Fortemps. Haurchefant already awaited them in front of the grand family manor and he seemed all too excited about showing them the city and introducing them to his family. The last months Rael had started to believe that Haurchefant was a kind and loyal man but sometimes he was too eager in his excitement, too rash to speak or act out of an impulse. Certainly Rael would not forget that it was him who had granted them refuge and risked his life to save A'viloh - both were decision a more pensive man may have handled differently. He also had been a great help in cheering the Miqo'te up again and motivating him to not loose hope yet but Rael wasn’t sure if so much optimism was truly adequate now or if they only were headed for a great disappointment. No such dark thought seemed to have ever crossed the mind of cheerful and openly affectionate Haurchefant though.

Lord Edmont however seemed a lot more cautious than his son, still very kind but a lot less impulsive. With a very controlled but cordial voice that perfectly matched his elegant appearance he greeted them. It didn’t take Rael long to realise that this man knew how to choose the right words according to the situation. Despite the fact that they were wanted fugitives Lord Fortemps easily made it seem like his kindness and hospitality were the least he could offer, considering all the good they had already done for Ishgard by exposing the fake inquisitor and supporting them in their fight against Vishap. Almost Rael would have believed that all of this was done out of pure kindness and gratitude. However then Lord Fortemps also spoke of allies and rivalling houses. Maybe he wants something after all, Rael thought, already wondering what it could be.

Then Edmont Fortemps suggested that it would be best to get to know the city before inviting them to a welcoming dinner later this evening. While both his other sons stood there silently with varying degrees of friendliness and curiosity - or the lack thereof - written on their faces, it was of course Haurchefant who immediately jumped to action. Eagerly he offered to accompany them on their tour through the city and offered multiple possible destinations. It would certainly be clever to get to know this city a little better as soon as possible. It was a pragmatic approach which Tataru also seemed to share, while A'viloh and Alphinaud seemed to be all to excited about the possibilities of seeing magnificent churches, grand statues and Ishgard's famous Chocobos.

Rael hadn’t found these any less interesting but it seemed wrong to just go on a merry sightseeing tour while forgetting about the tragic circumstances that had led to their visit here.

Well, for Alphinaud and A'viloh it maybe wasn’t such a bad idea, both of them still reacted rather poorly every time the banquet in Ul'dah and their missing friends were mentioned. Should the boys have fun instead, while Tataru and Rael would try to clear up this conspiracy as fast and quiet as possible. With Yugiri’s help maybe that was truly possible... There definitely was no reason to upset the Miqo'te and the young Elezen neither with worry nor with misplaced hope before Rael could tell with certainty what had happened exactly and what needed to be done next.

It would probably take a while but Rael would see it through.

[avirael]

The Frozen Lake

It was the third day since he had stopped feeling like dying.

About a week ago he had woken up from his far too lifelike fever dream and a few days later the last spikes of the fever itself had been gone too just like the hallucinations it had brought in his sleep.

He still had been sick though and welcomed Rael telling him to stay in bed until he was perfectly healthy again all too eagerly.

While he still sneezed every now and then, it was at least tolerable now, still annoying but he didn’t feel incredibly uncomfortable anymore.

That day, just like the last and also the ones before that, he had awoken late. Against Rael’s order to stay in bed he had found the courage to get up and take a look out of the window. It was a sunny day, which in Coerthas still meant that it was bitterly cold though. But the sun was shining brightly and already high in the sky too which meant it had to be almost midday. He had slept way too long again, way to many hours for a surprisingly dreamless sleep. Or maybe it was exactly the lack of dreams that allowed him to finally rest, after all in the past there rarely had been good ones…

For a moment he considered to go downstairs and ask for a late breakfast if that wasn’t too insolent given the late hour but then a knock sounded from the door.

Quickly he hurried back to bed, just in case it was Rael, but the person who carefully peeked into the room a few seconds later wasn’t a viera.

“Ah, you are awake! That’s good!”, Haurchefant exclaimed happily and brought a small tray with hot soup and also something warm to drink. “It is so late already, you must be horribly hungry. Alphinaud checked in on you earlier but you were still fast asleep and he didn’t have the heart to wake you.”

A little uncertain on how to answer to that, A’viloh just nodded. Haurchefant grinned, put down a mug on the bedside table and handed A‘viloh a comfortingly warm bowl filled with some rather delicious smelling stew.

Instead of fetching the chair from the small desk by the window, Haurchefant sat down at the lower end of the bed balancing the tray with his own lunch on his knees. Rael once told him that ishgardian society had an absurd amount of strict and antiquated rules and so A’viloh couldn’t help but wonder, that although it seemed like a very appropriate distance to him, in Haurchefant’s hometown the fact alone that he dared to sit on someone else’s bed was probably scandalous.

“I hope you don’t mind me having lunch with you.”, the Elezen asked as he noticed A‘viloh staring.

Quickly the Miqo’te lowered his gaze to his bowl of soup. “Not at all.”, he muttered and tried a spoonful of the food just to change the topic. “Mhh, this is very good!”, he mumbled, still chewing, surprised by how good this really was compared to the bland food and bitter teas Rael had usually brought him these last few days. It must have been the Viera’s way of punishing him for running away.

Haurchefant laughed and then for a while they ate in silence.

“You look a lot healthier already.”, the Elezen stated after a while with an amiable smile on his face before taking a sip from his mug.

A‘viloh shrugged a little embarrassed, since it had been his own fault that he hadn’t been well in the first place. “Only because all of you took so good care of me.”

Haurchefant nodded. “You know, you had us all horribly worried right?”

“Sorry about that.”, he said and guitily looked into his mug.

Curiously Haurchefant eyed him for a moment. “Why did you do that anyway? Run out into the storm.”

A bit surprised A’viloh looked up. Had they all thought he had done this on purpose? “There wasn’t a storm when I left! What do I know about weather? I didn’t expect it to start snowing, let alone that much!”

That made the Elezen chuckle again but he still looked at him expecting an answer.

“Still… why did you leave?”

“I assumed Rael told you…”, A’viloh replied not sure what Haurchefant wanted to hear exactly. He nodded. “Rael did. But maybe I want to hear it from you…”

A’viloh sighed. His plan hadn’t been very smart and he felt a little uncomfortable having to explain his reasons to someone else, when in retrospect it didn’t make much sense even to his own ears.

“You know the… circumstances under which we fled Ul’dah… I couldn’t… um… the fact that we didn’t even know what happened to our friends… I wanted to find out, because it doesn’t seem fair to me that we escaped while all of them didn’t…”

“Mhh…”, Haurchefant nodded thoughtfully but let go off the topic for now. Instead he asked, „And how are you feeling today?”

Somehow that question confused A’viloh even more.

“What do you mean?”

“It’s a simple question, isn’t it?”, he said still smiling politely.

Of course it was a simple question. Just the answer felt unreasonable complicated to him. To make things even more difficult people who asked such a question usually wanted to hear “I‘m fine, and you?” or “Very good, thank you.” for an answer and rarely the truth. They certainly didn’t want to hear “A few days ago I was convinced I was going to die and honestly it wasn’t that bad, so now I‘m still not sure wether I am happy to still be alive or not”.

“Alright… I guess.”, he mumbled instead. He had never been a good liar and could only hope that this fact wasn’t too obvious for the Elezen.

“You know what?”, Haurchefant proclaimed after watching him thoughtfully for a second. “Today is a wonderful day. We should go for a walk.”

“A walk?!”, A’viloh exclaimed wide-eyed, as if he had just asked something unreasonable of him.

“Why not?”

A’viloh couldn’t think of a good reason why not, other than that he was supposed to stay in bed, so he shrugged.

“Where’s Rael?”, he asked instead.

Haurchefant smirked. “Do you need Rael’s permission to go outside?”

“Of course not.”, the Miqo’te protested. “But Rael will be mad if I run off again, especially against their orders to stay in bed.”

“Rael and Alphinaud went to the observatory earlier.”, Haurchefant explained. “We’ll be back before they are, I promise.”

What was A’viloh supposed to say against that and also against the expectant look on the Elezen’s face. He took another glimpse towards the window and decided that it looked nice enough to go outside.

“Fine.”

“Good!”, Haurchefant exclaimed happily and collected their empty bowls and mugs. “There should be warm clothes for you in the wardrobe. If you need anything else just ask someone. I’ll wait for you by the northern gate.”

After Haurchefant had left, A’viloh remained sitting in his bed for a moment longer contemplating on the Elezen’s question. Yes, he felt better again. But better in what comparison? Better than a few days ago when he had felt and also been half-dead? Though he didn’t feel sick anymore now, there still was a weigh on his heart. From his plan that had failed so spectacularly and even more so from the dreams he wouldn’t have minded to keep on dreaming forever.

Vehemently he shook his head and decided not to think about that now or he would just crawl back under the blanket of his comfortably warm bed again. Instead he got up and took a look into the wardrobe. Almost none of these were his own clothes of course since all he possessed were the ones he had worn on his body that day they fled Ul’dah. Very unsuitable for this climate. But neither did he see the borrowed clothes he had worn that night when he had tried to run away. Everything in here looked even softer and warmer like someone had wanted to make sure he was feeling comfortable. To his surprise the things didn’t look that much too big for him either, unlike his last set of clothes. Besides a few Hyur most people here at Camp Dragonhead were grown up Elezen but these clothes looked like they belonged to neither. Maybe it were clothes for Elezen children, he wondered and also thought that in that case someone must have brought them here just for him.

Grateful for so much effort he picked a few pieces and got dressed. Lazily he ran his fingers through his hair to get rid of the worst knots but the look into the small mirror at the washbasin, where his tired face stared back at him reproachfully, just made him sigh. Once he was ready he took the warm coat out of the wardrobe too and went out to look for Haurchefant. Just as he had said, the Elezen was standing by the gate that led to the north-east, towards the ruins of the Steel Vigil.

From afar Haurchefant already recognised the Miqo’te, his bright red hair a singularity among all the people living here. Pleasantly smiling as always he waved at him and A’viloh couldn’t help but smile a little too and wave back as he hurriedly walked towards him.

“There you are! I see the clothes fit you nicely.”

A’viloh nodded.

“They do. Thank you very much for these.”

Haurchefant dismissively waved with one hand. “It’s the least I could do…”

But he had done a lot more than that, A’viloh thought. “I think there’s more I need to thank you for. Rael told me it was you who saved my life.”

“Mhhh…”, Haurchefant tilted his head as if he wasn’t sure if this statement was entirely the truth. “Rael is too humble. They played a bit of a role in that too. After all it was Rael who noticed you were gone. And it was also Rael who didn’t leave your bedside and tried their best to heal you.”

A’viloh remembered waking up and finding the usually quite touch-averse viera cuddled up to him with a look on their face so horribly sad like he had never seen on them before. Rael had pretended it was nothing but it had been a very unconvincing performance. Asked about it Alphinaud had only offered a few sentences about how worried Rael had looked and how they had used all kinds of spells he himself had never seen or heard of before, all of it to try and save him. It had made him feel even more guilty for his stupidity.

So maybe Haurchefant was right. But still it had been him who had risked going out into the storm to find him.

“Anyway. I still want to thank you! Honestly.”, he insisted. But how honestly was it really?

Sure, he was glad to still be alive. After all his plan hadn’t been to run out into a blizzard and freeze to death, although some of them seemed to think that was the case. But once he found himself in this situation he had to admit that he had welcomed his fate rather willingly. A fact that shocked even himself a little looking back at it now.

“You’re welcome. After all you wouldn’t be any help to your friends frozen to death out there.”, Haurchefant joked with a wry smile on his lips.

“I guess not...”, A’viloh muttered, the topic of his friends making his mood visibly sink again.

Of course the Elezen noticed and his smile turned into a playful grin. “But I acted a little selfish too, you know? I think Camp Dragonhead is a lot friendlier with your company and I would like to have you and your pretty smile around a little longer.”

For a moment A’viloh’s eyes shot up to look at the others face before he quickly pretended that something somewhere a little bit to his left was a lot more interesting. Sometimes Haurchefant randomly said things, A’viloh hadn’t had the slightest idea how to react to. Not because he was that oblivious but simply because it puzzled him. Nonetheless the air suddenly didn’t feel that cold anymore on his face.

Haurchefant was always very kind to him. Well, he mostly was kind to everybody but sometimes he seemed to admire him especially. Him of all people, although there was nothing special about him. Haurchefant sometimes spoke of him like he was one of the greatest heroes of all time and it felt so ridiculous to him. He was just silly, cowardly A‘viloh! What had he ever achieved in his miserable life to justify such admiration? The people called him a Warrior of Light but wasn’t that some grand overstatement? Some days he thought all of this had been a horrible mistake. A great misunderstanding! Then he wondered how he had ever gotten entangled in this madness in the first place and also if he ever would get out of it again. But what else should he do with his life anyway...

While A’viloh’s brain still screeched in desperate search for a proper response, Haurchefant seemed to realise he had flustered him and glossed it over by gesturing to the gate.

“How about we walk a few yalms? There’s something you need to see!”

Still too dumbstruck to speak or to even wonder what the Elezen was talking about, A’viloh nodded and then proceeded to follow him out into the snowy landscape.

After a few minutes Haurchefant paused and took a deep breath. “Isn’t the air wonderful today?”

A’viloh followed his example, breathed deeply and let his gaze wander over the snow covered landscape with a few pines here and there and the mountains and ruins of the Steel Vigil in the distance. The air was cool and fresh, still cold enough that the warm sun couldn’t melt the snow. Instead the rays of sunshine made the scenery shine and sparkle as if everything was covered not in ice but in millions over millions of tiny diamonds.

“It is.”, he answered and smiled, surprised how beautiful this inhospitable landscape could be, before with a sudden spark of curiosity he finally asked. “Where are we going?”

“It’s not far anymore.”, Haurchefant said with a grin on his face and pointed into another direction. Shortly after and only a bit further ahead they reached a small lake.

As they got closer A‘viloh noticed that it not only was covered in a layer of snow and ice but also that quite a few off-duty soldiers, given the proximity to the camp he assumed they had to be, were standing right on top of the frozen lake. No, they were not quite standing. It looked more like they were dancing or flying maybe. More or less gracefully they moved over the lake‘s surface in fluid swift strides, some just moving in wide circles and other swirling around this way or that. A’viloh had never seen something like this and it looked strange and impossible but at the same time very beautiful to him.

The two of them had almost reached the lake by then, A’viloh a few steps ahead to get a better look at the wondrous people on the ice and he already wanted to ask how they did that, when his attention was drawn elsewhere by a curious squawking sound.

“Oh! Look at them!”, the Miqo’te exclaimed, his fascinated smile still turning a little brighter, as he gestured to a small flock of wild geese resting at the shore of the lake. With ruffled feathers they sat closely huddled together at the edge of the ice and suddenly A‘viloh couldn’t help but worry about them. They looked so unbothered by his presence, sleeping through the day and all the hubbub around them, looking all exhausted and frozen with their puffed up feathers. Like anything could happen to them and they wouldn’t even mind.

Strangely he wondered what he himself had looked like when Haurchefant had found him unconscious in the snow. He must have been a pitiful sight. Had the Elezen thought him beyond saving too, just like he himself had. What if he had found him a little later or not at all? Maybe that would have been better, a voice murmured to him just like it had so many times before and for a moment, tempted by the grief heavy on his heart once again, he almost believed it.

But no, he would be dead then and while he would have liked to imagine that this would mean he could be with his loved ones again, it was not exactly what either of the tribes he had lived with believed.

Vaguely he remembered his father working for hours, digging a grave at what used to be Wellwick Wood. An elderly woman too exhausted by their long journey, his grandmother if he remembered correctly, had died shortly after they had arrived there. With a sad smile on his face his father had explained to his children, who had stared down into the hole in the ground with confusion in their eyes, how by returning her body to the earth there could still grow new life from this death.

Or the drake tribe of the Sagolii Desert, who always burned their dead and left the ashes to be carried away by the desert wind, believing that it would make it easier for the deceased‘s aether to return to the Aetheric Sea and create something new elsewhere.

With a sudden sharp pain in his heart A’viloh realised that neither of the people he loved had gotten the burial they would have wanted for themselves. And neither had A‘viloh himself wanted to die in the coldness of Coerthas and be forever forgotten under a thick layer of snow and ice. He had thought about dying before but never had he been this close to it. For a second he wondered if this was something worth speaking to Rael about, but he wasn’t sure they wouldn’t misunderstand and get mad at him again.

“Why do you make such a sad face now?”, Haurchefant asked having noticed the smile slip from the Miqo’te’s face. But A’viloh just vehemently shook his head and focused on the geese again.

“They must be horribly cold.”, he wondered in a voice that suggested he already planned to take all of them to the safety of his comfortably warm room.

Haurchefant chuckled. “Don’t worry, they survived the storm out here after all. They keep each other warm, that’s why you‘ll rarely see one of them alone. A bit like you and your friends.”

“Maybe…”, A’viloh answered thinking about this comparison for a moment. “I just wish it wouldn’t always be me who needs to be taken care of. But as proven in Ul’dah and now once again I am simply too weak and useless to keep myself alive, not to mention anyone else.”

The Elezen’s face got a little stern as he folded his arms in front of his chest. “Don’t say that, I am sure it’s not true! This was just bad luck! You are neither weak nor useless!”

A’viloh shrugged. “But that’s how I feel right now...”

Slowly Haurchefant nodded before speaking again with a silent but determined voice. “Listen. I‘ll never forget how bravely you fought for Francel although you barely knew him. You could have gotten yourself in trouble with that and you helped him anyway.”

“It’s not like I did that on my own -”, A’viloh tried to protest but was immediately interrupted. “But you still helped! And I’m sure even without Rael you would have done so!”

Another shrug was all Haurchefant got in response, so the Elezen thought for a second before making an offer. “You want to make yourself useful, right? Get stronger? I could teach you how to fight like a real ishgardian knight, with sword and shield. Or we have some dragoons at Camp Dragonhead too! I’m sure there’s a lot you could learn from them.”

A‘viloh‘s face turned to disbelief. “I really don’t think I could fight with armor and weapons this heavy…”

“You can’t say so if you don’t try! And I have you know that dragoon armors are surprisingly light. How do you think they could still be this agile otherwise? Promise me to at least try training with them a little!”

He didn’t really want to agree to that. He knew he would make a fool of himself. But how could he say no with Haurchefant trying everything in his power to cheer him up. Weakly he shook his head and muttered: “Fine…”

“Perfect!”, Haurchefant exclaimed with a bright smile on his face. “I think an early reward for your efforts is appropriate then!”

Confused A’viloh watched him take a small bag off of his shoulders, which he hadn’t even noticed until now. For a moment the Elezen was busy undoing a knot before he opened the bag and presented to A‘viloh a set of two weirdly shaped blades attached to pieces of wood with leather straps. He had no idea what these constructs were meant to do and that was plainly visible on his face. “What’s that?”

“Ice skates of course!”, Haurchefant said as if that would explain it all but the Miqo’te‘s face remained clueless, so Haurchefant gestured to the lake behind them. “You attach them to your boots so you can walk on the ice like this!”

“Oh!”, A’viloh exclaimed as he understood what Haurchefant was planning. “I don’t think-… I mean I‘ve never-… You don’t really want me to step on that lake do you?” The idea somehow scared him.

“Why not?”, Haurchefant asked for the second time today with this smile that made the question sound like a challenge.

“It’s just a bit of ice!”, A‘vi objected. “What if it breaks?”

The Elezen shook his head and proceeded to fasten the metal blades beneath his boots. “Ah, don’t worry. The ice is thick enough, it will take at least a few more days to melt.”

“I don’t know…”, was all A’viloh replied as Haurchefant pressed another pair of skates into his hands. But the Elezen remained determined and took a few wobbly steps through the snow and onto the ice. “See! I can stand on it and it doesn’t break! You are a lot lighter than me, so why wouldn’t you be able to?”

Oh, you don’t know my bad luck!, A‘viloh thought but Haurchefant didn’t look like he would take that for an excuse. Instead he stretched out a hand towards the Miqo’te. “Come one! Believe me, this is going to be funny!”

For a second A‘viloh pondered his options. The idea of nothing but a little bit of ice between him and the water still terrified him but Haurchefant seemed so excited about this and the other people actually seemed to have fun too. Maybe he should at least pretend to try... Reluctantly he sat down on a rock and tried to put on the skates just like Haurchefant had done a moment ago.

“The clasp on the back too. Make sure none of them are loose… Yes, that looks fine!”, Haurchefant helpfully explained. As A’viloh got up, he almost flopped right back down into the snow. It was a weird feeling to balance his whole weight on only two thin pieces of metal. As he carefully took the first few steps towards the lake Haurchefant reached out for him once more. “Here! Take my hand! I don’t want you to fall…”

Hesitantly A‘vi stepped onto the ice and immediately felt like the ground was being pulled away beneath his feet. He struggled for balance, feeling himself falling backwards, so Haurchefants arm was a very welcome thing to hold on to.

With a chuckle the Elezen tried to loosen A‘vi‘s desperate grip on his arm and instead took each of his hand in one of his own before carefully making slow steps backwards pulling A‘viloh over the ice, which A’vi could swear was making suspicious crackling sounds below them. There was no way to tell the blades beneath his feet not to move, so all A’viloh could do was try not to fall and plead to Haurchefant with ears flat on his head and panic in his eyes, as he slowly was pulled further onto the lake. “No, no, no. Take me back, that’s a horrible idea!”

“Calm down. There’s nothing to be afraid of. I promise.”, Haurchefant said soothingly and continued to explain to him how to move on the ice skates. And in fact the Elezen’s calm voice slowly made A’viloh feel less anxious. His hands, frantically clasping at Haurchefant’s, relaxed along with his legs. It was still a weird feeling to be standing on the ice but now it felt a lot easier to remain balanced. He glanced at the people around them while remaining as still as possible, studied their movements for a moment and then tentatively tried to mimic the way they slowly pushed their feet above the slippery surface. To his surprise he really moved forward without much effort and also without feeling the sensation of falling again, closer to Haurchefant who had steadied him with his outstretched arms so far.

“See! It’s not that difficult.”, he said while making another step backwards so A’viloh had to follow with another step forward. The Miqo’te, strangely excited about the fact that he was actually moving on these weird ice-blades, laughed happily. “You are even going backwards!”

Haurchefants laughed. “One step after the other. Let’s teach you how to go forward first, hm? I‘ll let go off one of your hands but don’t worry, I still got you. One feet after the other just like you did before…”

In fact it almost felt easier now that he could use one of his arms to balance himself. Very slowly at first they floated above the icy surface of the lake but soon A‘viloh got braver. Once he almost lost his balance but for a comparably tall and strong person like Haurchefant it seemed like a very easy task to keep a small Miqo’te on his feet. Almost falling had felt like a shock for a second but only moments later they were laughing about it and in the end A’viloh was surprised and also a little proud how quickly he had learned and how much fun this was.

He wasn’t sure how much time they spent there on the frozen lake but at some point a bell sounded from the nearby Camp. Startled A’viloh looked up (and almost lost his balance again). “How late is it? I’m sure you have more important things to do than this! I’m sorry if I’m keeping you from doing your work.”

But Haurchefant just laughed and teased, “What could be more important than prove to you that not all of Coerthas is a deadly wasteland trying to kill you? But I think we really should return soon. I don’t want you to get cold again and after all we also don’t want Rael to find out about this little excursion, do we?”

For a second A’viloh wished the viera could see him now and wondered what their reaction would be like. The thought made him chuckle.

And as they floated, one last circle around the lake, A’viloh couldn’t help but wonder that maybe it was happy moments like this. The reason he was still here. Moments that made his life worth living.

---

inspired by the poem The Reversal by Leila Chatti

[avirael]

Silence

A‘viloh sighed heavily and leaned back in his chair, probably to sooth the by now sour muscles in his back. How much longer would he be able to remain here without going mad, Rael wondered, standing in the doorframe.

It had been almost two weeks since Operation Archon and the defeat of the imperial forces led by Gaius van Baelsar and ever since everybody was in high spirits and busy planning a victory ceremony at Lake Silvertear.

A‘viloh however did feel nothing but misserable since that day they defeated Ultima and Lahabrea. More precisely since they had to haul Thancred‘s seemingly lifeless body out of the ruins of the Praetorium.

A‘vi had really thought him dead at first and even though Rael had quickly reassured him otherwise, "dead" was the only word to appropriately describe how Thancred looked.

Even now, safely back at the Waking Sands, A‘viloh couldn’t help but panic every once in a while when he startled up after dozing off for a moment, fearing that Thancred had stopped breathing before he noticed the almost missable heaving of his chest. The Hyur lay entirely silent and motionless like a corpse, his skin looked pale even in the warm candlelight and deep dark shadows were carved below his closed eyes. His breathing was steady but unnervingly slow and way too easy to miss for a person just sleeping.

"Just sleeping."

That’s what the healers had said. They claimed nothing except exhaustion seemed to be wrong with him medically and that he was physically fine. As far as Rael could tell, that even seemed to be true. However about what the possession by an Ascian may have done to his mind no one dared to utter any theories. At first Rael too had suggested that after what Thancred had been through he would probably just need a day or two to sleep everything off but a lot more days had passed since then and he was still fast asleep. By now the healers were completely clueless and even the Padjal, who Rael had asked for advice due to A‘viloh‘s growing despair, knew no way to help him. At least Kan-E-Senna had the sincerity to admit that the influence by an Ascian could have caused irreversible damage to his mind or his soul and that she was not sure if he would ever wake up again at all.

Considering how much A‘viloh seemed to blame himself for what had happened to Thancred, this revelation had made his whole world come crashing down around him. Blaming himself was nonsense of course, but no matter how often anybody told him that it wasn’t his fault and that he could have done nothing different to improve their friends fate, A‘vi kept on insisting that he should have noticed sooner and how it would have spared them so much pain and death and how just maybe Thancred would be in a better condition now.

It was clearly all the result of him almost continuously sitting in silence by Thancreds bedside since not quite two weeks now, barely sleeping or eating and most certainly thinking way to much about the happenings and his role in all of this.

"I‘m so sorry..."

"Please wake up."

"I can‘t loose you too."

"Forgive me…"

This and similar things A’viloh had muttered countless times already, his voice more and more quiet and his eyes growing sadder and sadder every day. But all he got in return was silence.

It was a heartbreaking sight for all of them but only Rael understood how deep the Miqo’te’s grief and self-doubt truly went. They tried their best to keep him company but he kept sending them away. They tried to comfort him with reassuring words or a blanket to keep him warm but he still looked like a homeless kitten lost in the rain. The best they could do was to keep him fed and on a minimum dose of sleep, but A‘viloh seemed adamant in his resolution to punish himself.

Rael saw that he couldn't do this much longer and that soon he would either just fall over or they would have to drag him away for his own sake. But for now he kept sitting there, by Thancred’s bedside, praying and pleading and crying with nothing for an answer but awful silence that seemed way to loud to bear.