#a while back it was a woman physically attacking a guy because she didnt like that he was gay

[just-your-average-tangerine]

I'm very, very, *very* tired of straight people going to gay bars, then getting mad that there's gay people there.

[ackermendick]

BYE. This is the most painful read ive ever had in a while. My eyes are puffy and swollen and my nose is heavily congested.

Saint, idk how you do it. Idk now you write angst so painful right that it physically hurts up until my soul. When will they have their peace? I just wanna hug mc. I physically hurt for her. The pain of yearning for her toru and realizing how much she is still is still in love with him is just so fucking agonizing.

GEN, CAN YOU LET THEM TALK FOR LIKE, 5 MINUTES TO SORT IT OUT??

God, it’s so heavy reading how she is having a mental breakdown because of her break up, watch the love of her life have a pretentious healthy relationship with his new girl, having to deal with “No satoru in your life” with her sister, her angina coming back (?). LOSING HER HORSE. Fuck, the “God. help me” part really broke me bc I felt it so much in my core. You know it’s really bad when you started asking for divine help bc nothing really helps with the pain anymore 😭 (couldn’t blame mc for wanting to jump off the cliff bc I, too, would rather have eternal sleep than deal with all this).

The timing here is always the worst 😭 like yn would stop overthinking about satoru’s “idgaf about you anymore” attitude if only she saw him at the rooftop 😭 Satoru’s petty ass would not happen if he knew yn and toji were breaking up at the rooftop. SATORU, THIS WAS ONE TIME WHERE U DIDNT HAVE TO HAVE SELF RESTRAINT TO GO GET YOUR GIRL U KNOW. Now look at you all— A goddamn fucking mess in all ways.

Sachi, your mama needs you more than ever :((( pls dont leave her bc she might self destruct the moment you start calling that woman “mama” too.

Yn & Satoru. CAN U GUYS FUCKING TALK FOR LIKE 15 MINUTES AND SORT YOUR SHIT OUT? YOU ARE GIVING US A HEADACHE AND A TON OF HEARTACHE.

ESPECIALLY YOU, SATORU GOJO. IF U DARE GIVE SACHI A RIVAL HEIR TO YOUR COMPANY, I HOPE YOULL LOSE YOUR ABILITY TO TASTE SHIT SO U WONT HAVE ANOTHER PIECE OF SWEET IN YOUR WHOLE GODDAMN LIFE.

Istg if he dares pull the “marriage proposal” card after this chapter, i hope he goes bald at the age of 40.

I really think that yn is a ticking time bomb just waiting for the right time to explode and 💀. A lake wedding for shoko and suguru? Her and Satoru being the MOH and Best Man? Damn. It’s gonna be a wedding full of tension. Why do I get the feeling she’ll self destruct on that chapter? Like what if Satoru brought that woman to the wedding as his plus one and they got to dance and…

I’ll stop right here or else yn will have a heart attack ( ha ha ha, no pun intended…..but what if 🥲)

SAINT TYSM FOR THIS! YOU ARE AN INCREDIBLE WRITER AND YOU NEVER FAILED TO DELIVER 💙. SY! is a rollercoaster of emotions and I am so looking forward on what you have in store for us (heavier angst? Count me the fuck in. I love crying) mwuah!!!

sincerely yours. (10)

↳ gojou satoru/reader

when a twist of fate led their marriage to the path of a quintessential tragic romance, two past lovers go through another series of experiences on love, heartbreak, identity, illness, and trauma along the road to a happily ever after. 

genre. heavy angst, amnesia, modern au, 18+ 

tags/warnings. depression, intoxication, trauma, implied suicide attempt, toxic relationships,

notes. important announcement ! as you all know, this series has always had an extensive approach into detailing the events in its side stories (ie. sera x sukuna x naoya, yuuji x megumi, maki x yuuta x miwa, etc), but while writing the chapters, the word count and the plot building had become too exhausting for me to produce consistently, esp with the amount of scenes and side stories i was introducing to the story, so i've decided it's best for me to stick to the main characters, reader & gojo, and will only add side stories as necessary. this really hurts me knowing that i can't achieve the level of comprehensive writing and world building that i did for sincerely not, but i really want to finish sy as soon as possible and removing a chunk of side stories would be some of the things that'd help me achieve that 😭 i hope you guys understand. hopefully i'll figure out a way to write those side stories instead of completely abandoning them mid-way in this series. but as always, thanks for ur continued support <3

series masterlist -> episode eleven

“It’s a little weird.”

What was supposed to be her bed time had turned into a moment of reflection for Sera who, instead of being fast asleep at this time of the night, had unconsciously brought herself inside Sukuna’s home office to join the up-and-coming tech mogul in his late-night programming. 

She wore her silk pajamas, pacing back and forth in her boyfriend’s office as her mind flew back to the recent encounter she had with her ex-boyfriend. Who knew that Satoru’s kid would look just like a carbon copy of him? No, actually, the question should be: who knew it would be a different woman by his side acting as the mother of his child? Sera had to laugh at herself, shaking her head as she realized how truly and undeniably ridiculous her ex was. It was clear that day that he wasn’t really as loyal of a partner as he claimed himself to be. 

Did he really just go through all those crazy things with you, only to look like a whore-hopping fool now? 

If he was bound to end up with someone else other than you, then why did he have to make Sera’s life miserable in the first place? 

She may have done terrible things before as a selfish and materialistic lover of his, but that wouldn’t change the fact that Satoru also contributed to her role as the side-piece in his marital relationship. He allowed her to cling to him like a mistress. Being his side-piece wasn’t even something that she had forced upon him. It was his promise, an idea that he planted on Sera’s head, saying that she would need to stay by his side and that he would marry her guaranteed that he had already secured the merger and divorced you. He swore like a fool that he would divorce you. But guess what? The jerk ended up falling in love with his wife and suddenly had no use of Sera. Suddenly, he was such a good husband who couldn’t be more loyal. Suddenly, he was a lovestruck man who had always been in love with his childhood friend. If he had downright dumped Sera the moment his engagement was announced, if he had not been prideful and ambitious since the beginning of his marriage, he probably would have had better luck at having that healthy relationship he yearned from you. 

But how come the blame of being the third-party was all on Sera when her only mistake then was loving the person who promised her all the good things in life? 

Now, you see, this was all just bitterness brewing at the back of her head. She knew what she did was still wrong and that she wasn’t innocent. Sera swore to herself that she would never look back on those awful days ever again, but seeing how Satoru was running around freely with a different woman just reminded Sera of his days as a spiteful, two-timing man. Somehow, it felt like he had changed and yet didn’t at all. 

Ha ha ha. How ridiculous was that? 

“What’s funny?” asked Sukuna, her present boyfriend and thankfully so. He was Sera’s blessing, because she never would have thought that a man like him could still exist in a world full of Satoru’s and Naoya’s. “You look cute smiling to yourself, though.”

“I know,” she responded to the compliment, shifting to settle herself on his lap, though his attention remained fixed on his laptop screen. “It's just strange to me,” she continued, her voice thoughtful, “how Gojou appears his usual self, yet there's something off about him.”

The question clouded Sukuna’s eyes in confusion, tilting his head to the side as he tried to comprehend her description. “You mean dude got uglier?”

I wish, Sera thought. “No, he’s… he’s different. The vibes are different. For a second, he even looked like he was dissociating the whole time he was with that girl,” she said, referring to Satoru’s new girl as though she was your cheap alternative, “But then again, why is he with her in the first place if he looks absent-minded the whole time, you know what I mean?” 

“Was he like that with you before?” 

“At times, but it’s not like the way he’s acting right now… I don’t know, I can’t explain it. The energy is off. That’s just not how he acts when he’s really, really into someone.”

To be honest, Sukuna didn’t give a damn about Satoru Gojou’s life and any normal boyfriend wouldn’t really like hearing their girlfriend talking about another man, especially her ex at that, but he knew Sera found joy in old money gossip and he was aware of the demoralizing past she has had by associating herself with them. Sukuna was acting all engaged in their conversation because he wanted to make her feel heard and that he shared her simple joys in life. Besides, it was through her that he learned so many inside scoops about the people that ran the country’s biggest conglomerates. It was like watching one heck of a messy episode of Dynasty. 

“Didn’t he get into a car accident?” he recalled, remembering the headlines on the news that day, “Then, we saw him at the expo and he couldn’t really remember you. The guy’s probably got his head all messed up.” 

Sera was bitter at the time thinking that Satoru was toying with her when he asked who she was, when the truth was, he was actually diagnosed with amnesia. It was such a shock to her, truthfully, because having amnesia felt like something you would only see on a movie’s screen. Well, in that case, she could also say karma’s a bitch. The director might be onto something here.

“He’s probably not mentally fine, but still…” she thought carefully and played the scene in her head again. What was it about the Gojou that she saw the other day that was different? “He just has a different vibe to him that it feels uncomfortable. It’s like he’s rude, but not so rude? He doesn’t have much of a personality anymore. Like a complete stranger.”

“Maybe it’s the new girl rubbing off on him.” Sukuna was back to typing on his laptop as he said that. Frankly, he was just saying anything at this point. 

Sera shook her head in response. “Well, I don’t know about that girl he’s seeing and I don’t really care, but it’s common knowledge to the filthy rich that she’s Y/N’s best friend. That’s why I recognized her right away, and that’s why it disgusted me,” she pressed on, “Tell me, would you—and be honest about this—would you fuck your best friend’s ex?” 

The humor on her boyfriend’s face came right as she asked that. “Babe, you fucked a married man. It’s worse than fucking somebody’s ex.” 

“Shut up.” Rolling her eyes, she got up from his lap and sighed, but Sukuna wasted no time in pulling her back onto his lap. His chuckle was mingling with the gentle kiss he had planted on her cheek, unaware that his actions made Sera’s heart flutter. “Forget it. I shouldn’t even be talking about Satoru with you.”

The man stretched his arms and finally closed his laptop, patting Sera’s thigh afterwards. “On that note, I do have another ‘dude from your past’ that I gotta meet tomorrow.” 

Her reaction alone was a response for him. “Naoya?” she protested, face contorting with disgust. “What for? I told you not to take on that project.”

“Yeah, I considered it, and you know, the partnership could really benefit CleaveTech,” Sukuna reasoned, leaning back as he outlined the situation to her from a business standpoint. Given her own background working for the Gojou Group before, he expected her to grasp the significance of this partnership and set aside any personal grievances or emotional attachments. “The Zen'in Group is a major client. It’s all pros and no cons here.”

“The contra is the guy you’re gonna work with,” she highlighted with a hint of annoyance rising from her throat, “Naoya is nothing but an opportunistic motherfucker. Mind you, he’s a stupid elitist, too.” 

He held back a laugh, not even threatened by a man who had a terrible history with his girlfriend. “Nah, I’ll deal with him. Just trust me on this.” 

As much as Sera wanted to object, she knew Sukuna had a point and that she really shouldn’t hinder his company from being partnered with such a large conglomerate. She just didn’t like the thought of her boyfriend being around a man who manipulated and humiliated her to the point where she had been blacklisted by multiple companies, leaving her to resort to being somewhat of a prostitute just to make ends meet. 

The world was harsh for the not-so-rich, and all Sera wanted was to give those upper class people a taste of their own medicine. But seeing as her desire for revenge would clash with her boyfriend’s chance at company growth, she had to set aside her personal grudge and support him on this one.  

Still, there was nothing wrong with being curious. “Is there any other reason you agreed to this partnership?”

Sukuna smirked as if he expected that question from her. “Blame it on my little brother, he’s been bugging me ‘bout it.”

“Yuuji?” Sera asked, clearly confused. 

To which her boyfriend quickly answered, “Yeah. He said it’ll give him an opportunity to work with his best friend. You know that kid, Fushiguro, right?” 

Ahh. Toji’s kid aka the heir to the Zen’in business empire. Sera had met Megumi before, and while that other brat Mai used to be unreasonably rude to her, the younger boy was always civil and respectful at least. He never even once treated Sera like dirt when she was spending time with Naoya at their mansion. Perhaps their upbringing really differed because he was raised by Toji and the other Zen’ins were raised by demons. 

Nevertheless, with a connection now established between Sukuna and Naoya through Yuuji and Megumi, Sera couldn’t help but feel that her peaceful days as a nouveau riche were about to become far more intriguing. Depending on the cards she would choose to play, they could even turn into a living nightmare. 

— —

You weren’t exactly abandoning your company; you were merely taking a break, a necessary pause given your current mental state after the whole break-up with Toji and the Osaka thing. Your mind was just too overwhelmingly occupied to even properly function. Each day, mustering the energy to show up at Hearte's head office became increasingly challenging, especially when faced with individuals who relied on you for major decisions and creative direction. 

To make matters worse, Akemi’s sudden resignation hit hard.

You received her decision by a simple letter, a mere piece of paper, without even having the guts and decency to meet with you in person. Was she scared? Or was this her way of rubbing salt on the wound, shoving it in your face that she was now taking things to the next level with your ex-husband? 

She did cite in her resignation letter that her reason for resigning from the role was due to conflict of interest. You wanted to laugh when you read that part. No, you wanted to choke in your fit of laughter after reading through her asinine reasons. She could have been upfront and mentioned that the so-called ‘conflict’ was the very man her best friend had previously married. 

Obviously, everyone in the office felt sad knowing that a core member of the company left without at least a 30-day notice, but they were all also aware that her resignation was due to personal albeit controversial reasons. Did Akemi not care about her image at all? The same colleagues she had trained, managed, and collaborated with would now likely gossip about her behind her back. She would become a hot topic of disrespect among the people that once heavily respected her. Did she also not care about the company you two created together anymore? This was the same company you two had passionately dreamed of during your late-night conversations on a New York rooftop. She was the one who wanted to build a fashion house together with you.

Yet, it seemed she was willing to throw it all away for a man already entangled in complicated familial dynamics. Her immediate resignation and refusal to speak to you in person just further confirmed it to you that Akemi was willing to forsake your friendship by choosing a man who already had a child with someone else. 

Since she chose that path, you couldn’t help but interpret Akemi’s actions as a deliberate slight against your friendship. It seemed clear that she no longer viewed you as a friend and was essentially cutting ties with you. Otherwise, why would she take such a step? Akemi wasn’t the type to be vindictive; she likely believed she was sparing you further pain by severing your connection. However, regardless of her intentions, her actions felt deeply disrespectful and hurtful.

If this was what she wanted, then kudos to her and her unbelievable confidence to choose a man like Satoru Gojou. Besides, it didn’t even take you a week to find another replacement. Your family connections were powerful after all. You readily had a pool of potential candidates for the role of the Head of Sales, Retail, and Merchandising—all from prestigious backgrounds and unparalleled expertise. While the competition was tough, you selected the person you deemed was the most qualified to be your second-in-command. This was someone you had esteemed since college, a person who excelled in both business acumen and creative vision.

Yuki Tsukumo. She was influential in every sense, and you trusted that she would be able to manage the high pressure environment of a start-up fashion house and transform it into an iconic brand, a household name that would one day rival Chanel and Miu Miu. 

You may have succeeded in replacing Akemi. You may have shown her that her position in the workforce was easily replaceable, but her role as your friend still left a lingering, repugnant mark that proved far more difficult to erase. This underlying sentiment could explain the unreasonable anger festering in your heart—a visceral reaction born from feelings of backstabbing betrayal. 

It was hard enough for you to travel all the way to Osaka with a broken heart, but it became much more agonizing to watch your own son run up to Akemi like she was his mother. It was a goddamn slap to your face, indeed, to see that your ex-husband had already chosen a woman to have his happy, little family with. That he wanted to be a good man and be everything you wished for in a husband for her. 

As they say, nothing hurts more than building a man for another woman. 

And honestly? You cried so much on the way home that you became numb. Now, you were just trying to get over it. You were trying to bury the searing pain in order to forget the betrayal you felt. It was all too much for a person to handle and it wasn’t like you hadn’t gone through the same old shit before. Wasn’t it worse before with Satoru actually cheating and all? He technically wasn’t crossing any lines here, so it shouldn’t hurt you. It shouldn’t. You had been here before. If you had managed to get through such an awful time as his previous wife, his relationship with Akemi shouldn’t be too hard to accept. No, you weren’t trying to lowball your pain, but it was better to be an optimist in this situation than be a suicidal, self-destructive person. You had a business to run and a child to raise. You had to be strong. 

Or at least, that was what you told yourself. That was what you had been telling yourself over and over, each time you got up from bed forcing yourself to have a false positive mindset. In fact, that was also why you had to take this extended break because you had to have your peace of mind. You had to have some form of release to remember why you needed to stay alive and keep yourself going.

Not just for Sachiro’s sake, but also for your own. 

Your safe haven for now was at the horse ranch, where the tranquility of riding and the beauty of nature provided the perfect ambiance for reflection. How long has it been since your last visit to Willow? Your father had been joking that you shouldn’t be leaving a beautiful, white Friesian horse unattended for years, especially not for the expensive price he paid her for. True enough, because the moment you saw the mare again, you almost forgot how majestic she was for her breed. Willow was a completely docile and graceful horse, so alike to you in many ways. However, one thing that was unlike you, was that she lived in peace, existing solely for herself and not for anyone else.

If only you could be like her. 

As you reached out to stroke your rare-breed horse, a new and unfamiliar stallion in the stable caught your eye. To think of it, your family shared this equestrian estate with the Gojou family. This realization meant that the strikingly elegant and tall gray horse in the adjacent stall belonged to none other than Satoru.

“It’s a Thoroughbred,” the equine caretaker informed while guiding your horse out of the stable, “Mr. Satoru got him recently and named him Six.” 

A gray Thoroughbred, renowned as the most expensive horse breeds out there. It could fetch a price as high as $70 million, and of course, Satoru was the perfect owner for such a prestigious horse. The stallion embodied his essence completely—its color, its build, its rarity. On the other hand, you couldn’t help but find his naming convention by number a bit odd. His previous black stallion was named Eight. This time around, it was Six. Couldn’t he be more imaginative?

“He’s beautiful,” you mumbled, nonetheless, in awe with the regality of the horse. 

“He’s a good boy, too,” added the enthusiastic horsekeeper in a thick country accent, “Mr. Satoru was here yesterday and played polo while riding him. They were perfectly in sync even if it was his first time riding him.”

Of course, he would play polo. That was one of his favorite recreational sports. The burning question at hand was, who was with him during his visit? Because if the caretaker mentioned Akemi, you would certainly lose it. This was your private space with him. This estate was a place that none of his other women had access to, not even Sera. This was a location filled with memories from your childhood. For him to bring another woman here would be crossing the damn line. 

“Did he bring anyone with him?” you asked, trying to sound casual as you dusted off your boots. 

The caretaker denied. “No, he was alone. He just came to play polo and check the horses he recently bought.” 

Oh… “He bought more than one?” 

Did he seriously get Akemi her own horse? Your heart was racing at the thought, but the caretaker led you to the stable near the exit to show you the other horse than your ex-husband had purchased. It was a brown Shetland pony. 

“He got a fully trained Shetland for your son,” the horsekeeper proudly declared, showcasing the pony as if he had been instructed to do so in anticipation of your visit. It was obvious that Gojou had already briefed him on introducing Sachiro’s new pony to you because he knew you would be asking about it. “His name is Elmo. He is kid-safe and very friendly.”

Frankly, you wanted to sigh in relief, but at the same time, it warmed your heart to know that Satoru got his son his own horse at such a young age. You could already sense him planning to make Sachiro take equestrian classes when he gets older, and probably join him on his horseback riding sessions, too. You could imagine just how perfect it would be to see the father and son bonding here, racing together, playing polo together… yet it would not be you who would be watching them on the side.  

This future he was setting up with his son would be an experience he would share with Akemi. 

There was no you in that vision anymore. 

The caretaker likely questioned your sanity when he noticed the bitter smile on your face as you mounted your mare. He might have even doubted whether you were sane enough to ride alone, without a guide, particularly through the woods since Willow had not been ridden for some time now. However, you had done it countless times before and were quite familiar with the trail, and so you dismissed his offer to lead you and assured him confidently that you knew your way back.

You needed this solitude. You craved this moment of peace, alone with your thoughts and surrounded by nature, to reflect on the ceaseless torture of your life. It was just never-ending, squeezing every drop of happiness out of your system to make sure that you would only live to suffer. You really thought you had your happy ending with someone else? You actually believed you had found the perfect man to be your actual husband? 

Well, unfortunately for you, Toji was not the one. 

At first, your mind flew to Toji as you went on to the trail, allowing the mare to continue trotting as you held the reins to control her. You remembered Toji’s text that morning, asking you for the hundredth time if he could meet with you. He likely wanted to apologize in person, but you doubted he would change his mind and take back the things he said. Because they were true. He could never fill the void left by his deceased wife by being with another empty soul. It was painfully, unmistakably true. You were better off dead if that was the case, because even if you did end up marrying him, you would never be regarded as the person he loved the most. After all, your role in this world seemed to always be the second option. You were never the first in other people’s books. Not with your ex-husband. Not even with your family, especially with Gen around. You were meant to be a bystander, watching others live their perfect lives while you were forced to be in your misery. Someone like Toji would not have a guaranteed blissful marriage with you and you had to spare him from that. You had to draw the line and step back from this charade that you were playing with him, knowing that you were never the right person to be with him, so at some point, you had to accept his drunken words. They came from a place of truth, and that truth would set the both of you free. 

Even it hurt. Even if it fucking hurt to hear his words. You couldn’t deny them. 

You could easily forgive him, but his words might take a while for you to forget because even thinking about it now was bringing a wave of pain into your chest. You didn’t even notice that you were losing control on Willow’s reins by the time you entered further into the woods, bouncing on the saddle as you galloped along the challenging path. With the speed you were riding right now, inexperienced riders would certainly find it unsafe and scary. But for you? It was just what you needed. The breeze of fresh air, the thrill of riding alone, the peaceful sound of nature—you could die there and be at your happiest. 

Maybe that was where you had to be; to disappear and leave them all behind. Wouldn’t that be best for everyone? If you were to vanish, they could finally be free. Your presence, even from the beginning, was a burden for everyone—for your dad, Gen, Satoru, Toji, and even Akemi. The people you trusted the most would be the same people who would secretly celebrate your demise. So, what else was hindering you from taking matters into your own hands and ending it all yourself?

“Giddy up!” 

Was it Sachiro? Definitely. But now he had his father, and he was likely starting to see Akemi as a mother figure as well. Your role as his beloved mama could be easily replaced if you were to leave him now. It wouldn’t hurt him as much that way. Three years with Sachiro seemed sufficient enough, and he was at an age where he could grow up alongside his father. In this short span, he would have lasting memories with you, yet not enough to deeply grieve your absence. He was a young child, surrounded by people who would offer the whole world to him. At least, for that, you were eternally grateful. It brought you comfort knowing that your son would have support after you were gone, and that he would find a mother figure in Akemi. Given the brief time he spent with you and the rest of his life with her as his stepmother, Sachiro would likely come to love and accept Akemi as his own mother. This was the best outcome you could hope for.

My child, my son, my baby… please don’t get mad at mommy. 

Tears were gushing out of your eyes and you hadn’t even realized it until they started blurring your vision. You were far too lost in your own thoughts, unaware that you were now in an unfamiliar and seemingly dangerous part of the trail. The path was getting a little bit too steep and poor Willow was clearly stressed at your inconsiderate handling. There were multiple obstacles on your rocky terrain and you weren’t as steady and controlled as you wanted to be because the horse wasn’t comfortable navigating such a difficult path with the pace you were forcing her to.  

“Ah!” 

Your attempt to balance was interrupted by Willow’s loud neigh, signaling her distress before she bolted into a full rampage. She was sprinting at an estimated speed of 20 miles per hour. Not even a skilled rider like Satoru himself would be cantering that fast on unfamiliar terrain and an unfit horse. But you, you clearly had a death wish, because instead of fearing for your own life, you were far more concerned at the thought of how dreamy Satoru and Akemi’s wedding would look like after your demise. They would definitely make Sachiro their ringbearer. Suguru would be the best man. Shoko, the maid of honor. People on the internet would praise them for being an attractive couple. They would anticipate their beautiful kids together, living in the same mansion he bought as a gift to you. He would kiss her good night, tell her loves her, and offer the whole world to her. They would exchange vows and promise themselves a lifelong commitment to be by each other’s side through sickness and in health, and only in death would they part. 

“Willow!” 

You let out a shriek as the reins slipped from your grasp, causing you to tumble off the saddle and crash onto the ground. The impact was first felt in your elbow, and a sharp, searing pain then radiated through your body. There you lay, sprawled on the dirt, helplessly watching Willow galloping out of control up the mountain, and then tragically plummeting off a cliff.

“Nooo! Willow, no!”

Utter hysteria overtook you. You sobbed uncontrollably, unable to determine which pain was more agonizing—the clearly broken elbow, the loss of the horse you had inadvertently led to its death, or the heart-wrenching reality of Satoru starting a family with someone else.

You were pathetic. You were such a pathetic excuse of a human being and this was why you deserve hell. 

“Willow!” 

Toji couldn’t love you. Your own son didn’t want to be around you. Satoru had gotten over you. And now, you drove a poor innocent horse to its demise because of your recklessness! 

You were crying hysterically as you held your pained elbow, crawling by the cliff’s edge as you screamed for your horse’s name, but in the end, there was nothing you could do. You could only apologize to poor Willow for having such an irresponsible owner, and now she was dead because of you. 16 years of her life, she was able to live in peace until you came and ruined it all for her. It should have been you. You were the one who should have jumped off a cliff. You should atone for your sins and follow her, but you were too weak, far to overcome by the excruciating pain on your hip and your broken elbow to move or do anything at all. 

That was, until your mind had completely shut down, leaving you as a mere body to be discarded alone in the darkness of the woods. You hoped that no one else would find you soon. 

— —

“A-Angina?” Satoru’s eyes went wide. His whole world stopped before him.

“Yes. She was diagnosed with stable angina,” Dr. Mori confirmed, much to your husband’s horror. “But there is another factor that requires her to have more rest. You need to take good care of your wife, Mr. Gojou. Her body needs a lot of nutrients so she can carry safely.”

He could barely process the whole thing in his head because the news kept coming one after another, leaving him in a befuddled state with a flood of unanswered questions running through his mind. “What do you mean…?”

“Your wife is seven weeks pregnant.”

…

…

“Y/N?”

“Y/N!”

“Are you out of your mind?!” 

You could barely pry your eyes open, but when you finally managed to, you were met with the concerned expression on Gen’s face. The harsh glare of fluorescent lights and the antiseptic scent confirmed to you that you were in the ER, likely an hour or two after the incident in the woods. The memory of the trail quickly flooded your thoughts, and a pang of sorrow gripped your heart as you recalled Willow's final moments before she fell off the cliff. The poor horse had lost her life, while the one responsible for her tragic death remained alive, save for the bandage wrapped around your arm.

“Why did you ride into the woods alone?” Gen persisted with her barrage of questions, standing by your bed as you attempted to sit up. “Are you suicidal or what? Riding your horse in a dangerous trail like that—”

“You know what, maybe I should have just died back there!” you snapped, wincing from the pain in your elbow. Her choice of words struck a nerve in you. “Maybe I’d prefer that over sitting here, listening to your sanctimonious lecture like you're so perfect yourself! How obnoxious.”

“Then, maybe you shouldn’t be riding so recklessly and causing alarm to everyone else!” 

“Did I literally ask you to come save me?!” 

The atmosphere around you two just became even more uninviting, with discomfiting silence seeping through as you and Gen were engaged in a sharp glaring contest. Your father stood behind her, clearing his throat to cut the tension. 

“That’s enough, Gen.” Your dad placed a hand on her shoulder, and although she wanted to protest, she knew better not to keep stirring the pot after receiving his strict gaze. “Let’s just be thankful your sister is safe. There’s no need to be so overwhelming.” 

You rolled your eyes, drawing in a deep breath before you looked away from them. None of them would ever understand your pain unless they were in your position. They didn’t carry the same baggage as you, so they would never fully comprehend the weight of your suffering. You had already dealt with similar pain on your own before and that was why you didn’t need any of them to come to your aid, meddling with your life like they knew exactly what you were going through. “Just leave me alone, you guys. I wanna rest.”

Since when did your relationship with your sister start to get rough? It wasn’t really like this before, but ever since she started to become too overprotective over you and your choices in life, particularly choices linked to Satoru, Gen had started to become insufferable in your eyes. She was acting too much like a mother; controlling your decisions, lecturing you about your personal relationships, being too involved with your private life. There, ever since that, you started to distance yourself from her, and she didn’t like that. Her stubbornness wouldn’t allow her to cease acting like this mature, picture perfect big sister to you. 

With that said, Gen would have normally gotten annoyed when you asked them to leave you alone, but this time around, she seemed to have reflected on her insensitivity a lot better with your father around. “I’m sorry, okay?” she said, her tone still tinged with stubbornness, “I just got worried. I don’t know what’s gotten into you to put yourself in danger like that, but… please, Y/N. If you’re going through something, you can always speak to us. Dad and I, we’re here for you.” 

To be fair, if you had to put yourself in their shoes, it really would have been alarming to know that your sister almost died. This wasn’t the first time you were at death’s door either, so they were probably scared shitless when they were informed of your situation. Your absolutely reckless situation. You didn’t mean to cause a scene, neither did you intend to bother them on their already busy schedules. You just had so many things in your mind while you were horseback riding, too engulfed by your own sorrow that you didn’t realize the repercussions after the incident had already taken place. 

“I’m sorry, too.” Your voice softened with humility. “I didn’t mean to worry you guys. It was just really an accident.” 

Of course, Gen suspected it was more than just an accident. Your dad did, too. It was obvious on their forlorn faces that they were worried for your mental and emotional well-being, but none of them dared address the elephant in the room. It seemed they didn’t need to, anyway, since one of the many reasons that contributed to your earlier breakdown took a peek from behind the curtains, clearing his throat and sending you a look of sympathy. 

“Y/N?” Toji looked at your father and your sister for approval before stepping further inside your space in the ER. “Can I talk to you?” 

There was no escaping Toji’s presence anymore. No more hiding, no more avoiding. You knew you had to have this talk with him no matter how many times you ignored his flood of texts and calls. While this may have struck as an opportune moment for him to speak to you in person, facing the painful truth of your situation weighed heavily on you. Besides, hadn’t the irony presented itself right there? If Satoru were the one trying to speak to you, even if he was the father of your child, Gen would have been quick to lash out at him. Yet with Toji, even with the general knowledge of what had transpired between you two, your sister still showed no hostility towards him, allowing him to approach you freely and without interference.

But then again, Toji was far from being a cheating, manipulative scumbag who not only caused you suffering but also sought to selfishly acquire your family’s company. Therefore, he wasn’t considered a threat. 

Alright, then. Since Toji genuinely wasn’t a threat to your current emotional state, you agreed to talk with him. It was the first time you had seen the not-so-confident side of Toji Zen’in. He was typically a man of virtue, often holding his chin high, offering the best advice, and having insightful perspectives on life. However, it seemed you had shattered that confidence in him. You could sense his cautiousness around you as he stood by your side in the ER, assisting you with your needs, and eventually agreeing to your request to walk you to the rooftop garden.

“I don’t really think there’s anything else we should talk about.” It was you who first broke the silence, staring at the cityscape while sitting on a wheelchair. The calm breeze allowed your mind to seize the moment with a peaceful mind. “I already heard what you had to say.” 

Toji found it better to kneel down in front of you to meet your eyes as he spoke to you in a sincere and earnest voice. “Y/N, I was drunk when I said all that shit back there. I didn’t mean them. I didn’t mean to hurt you with my callous words, and I feel awful that you had to hear them from me. You trusted me. You sought comfort from me. I wasn’t thinking like a normal person when those things came out of my mouth.” 

“That doesn’t mean they weren’t true,” you replied with quiet resignation. It was the acceptance in your face that seemed to have caused Toji’s heartbroken gaze. “It’s okay, Toji. I think, when you said all those things, it actually made me realize some aspects of our relationship that had to be addressed. It made me more self-aware and it opened my eyes on the bigger picture.” You touched his hand, giving it a comforting squeeze as you mustered the courage to speak your next words. “It’s for the best that we part ways. It’s not fair to me to become a placeholder for your wife the same way it isn’t fair to you to have to deal with my ex-husband always being present in my life. Our unresolved feelings won’t really be resolved by being together.”

“Y/N…” Toji’s voice hinted at his vulnerable emotions, though he restrained himself from showing it fully. And you didn’t miss the apologetic look he had presented to you. “Despite all that, I hope you know that I’d been true to you. I do love you and will always love you. I’ll always be someone you can rely on, someone you can seek comfort from, someone you can turn to when you need help…” 

Damn it. Why did he have to make it sound like an actual break up? Now, it tugged at your heartstrings and hit you in a place it shouldn’t have. You weren’t good at these things and it certainly was your first time dealing with such a mature and mutual separation, but wasn’t that a good thing? No further drama was to happen, leaving a stark comparison to your separation with Satoru. While this one didn’t hurt as much, it still brought a hollow feeling in your chest. 

“Same for me,” you agreed, displaying a weak smile. “You’ll always have a spot in my heart, Toji. I’ll always be grateful that I met you.” 

Sometimes, two people didn’t need to be together to love each other. Friendships could still thrive between ex-lovers, and that was why closure was so important. It not only closed a certain chapter of your life in a healthy way, but also allowed you to heal and open yourselves to a new beginning without any bitterness left behind. 

It shouldn’t be considered bad to remain friends with an ex. It also shouldn’t be bad to give a parting kiss from said ex, right? 

You weren’t the one who initiated it, after all. It was Toji’s hand that gently stroked your cheek. It was him, who leaned forward and pressed his lips onto yours. It wasn’t forceful, but neither was it passionate. It was simply a tender kiss of goodbye, feeling the warmth of each other’s lips for one last time before you two would transition from being lovers to friends. What you didn’t understand from this supposedly bittersweet moment was the faint tears that somehow managed to escape your eyes, perhaps because you knew that once Toji left, you would be alone again. 

You had no one by your side to love you, cherish you, choose you, and offer their entire world for you. You were meant to live this cruel world all by yourself. 

As he pulled away, he pressed his forehead against yours. “Please learn to love yourself before anyone else, Y/N. It’s what you need and what you deserve.” 

That night, while you were getting your MRI, your mind kept flying to the possibilities of a future without having anyone by your side. Any normal person would tell you to focus on loving yourself first, as Toji did recently, focusing on what matters most, and ridding yourself of the toxic things that hinder you from moving forward with your life. Things weren’t as easy as they sounded. Besides, it was different being on the receiving end of the said advice. How could you do those things when the primary cause of your pain was someone whose life would always be linked to yours forever? 

Based on the result of your MRI scans, your doctor recommended that you undergo elbow arthroscopy. It was just a minimally invasive procedure compared to open surgeries, but considering how much of an overthinker your dad was when it came to your health, he insisted on your confinement at the hospital until you had been completely cleared of any other issues. He really placed a big deal on your condition and emphasized to the doctors that they make sure nothing was missed. It could have been worse; you could have had a broken hip or a fractured leg, but at least you only had a dislocated elbow. Nothing that couldn’t be easily corrected by surgery and physical therapy. 

The decision was for you to stay there for two days, and on your first night, a crying Sachiro ran inside your private room because his ‘mama has a boo boo’. Gen said he was picked up from daycare and dropped off at the hospital because the poor kid was looking for you. She didn’t mention who dropped your son off to you, but you could tell it was Satoru. You could sense it by the glances she exchanged with Ian after you asked how Sachiro came to the hospital. 

So, in that case, Satoru must have found out about your little incident and didn’t care enough to see you. Did he not even have an ounce of care anymore? Or was it Gen who stopped him from seeing you? 

“Did you ask him to leave?” you confronted Gen in a mellow voice, rubbing Sachiro’s back as he snuggled into you on the hospital bed. 

Your sister knew exactly which man you were referring to, and she denied having done such. “No, I didn’t even talk to him. He took Sachi here and left.” 

You didn’t know why you looked at Ian to confirm the truth of his wife’s words, but hurt yourself upon seeing his bowed head. It was an apologetic expression that did signify your ex-husband’s blatant act of ignoring you. To hear about your near-death experience and simply leave without even checking on you should be your wake-up call. He didn’t care anymore. No, why should he care? He had Akemi. His only responsibility with you was to be a supportive father to your son. 

Why did the pain in your heart feel far more agonizing than the discomfort on your dislocated elbow?

If anything, you wanted to ask for the strongest anesthetic they could offer to numb your pain. You were desperate to have anything even if they had to put you into an eternal sleep. That would have been much easier to deal with than feeling disregarded by a person you supposedly had moved on from. Satoru did nothing wrong here. It was you who had that expectation, only to disappoint yourself when things didn’t happen as you imagined. 

And just when you thought things would get better as long as you ignore your torturous thoughts, it didn’t help that being in the hospital kept giving you flashbacks of the time you were in this exact room, hearing Satoru crying helplessly from outside and begging for you not to terminate his child. What comes around certainly goes back around. Or worse. 

Such depressive thoughts had you occupied throughout your stay there, and your unusual placidness alarmed the nurses instead of being assured that you were doing well. You heard your doctors telling your father and sister to always keep a close eye on you as the incident may not seem serious, but the trauma would undoubtedly be present somewhere and somehow. Were they aware? Of your intrusive thoughts of wanting to hurt yourself? 

The elbow arthroscopy was successful and by the second day, you were free to go home. You were placed on certain medications to help with the swelling and the pain, and while you were walking around the hospital with a listless mind, you happened to pass by the Obstetrics and Gynecology Department. What a deja vu it was, remembering the time you had seen Satoru there waiting outside for Sera. Back then, it was one of the climactic events in your life that led to a domino effect on the downfall of your marriage. Not that you were reminiscing, but it did remind you that Shoko was probably there in her consultation room and it would be nice to talk to a friend who had witnessed the wild history of your marriage. 

You asked Gen to wait for you in the car while you headed to Ieiri’s consultation room, assuring your visibly worried sister that everything was fine and that you wouldn’t take too long. You had to give Gen some slack, because despite the strains in your relationship as sisters, she was still always there for you. At the end of the day, she was family. 

Shoko, on the other hand, was the next closest thing you had for a sister. She welcomed you inside her room in a very worried embrace, telling you that if she had known about the incident, she would have gone straight to your hospital room on your first day, but you told her not to worry about it and understood that being in the medical field already had her schedule tight. 

“Well, I guess it’s perfect that you’re here, too.” Shoko smiled warmly, sitting behind her desk. She had exciting news to offer, it seemed. “I just wanna say that… of course, I’ll still be sending you a formal invitation and everything. I actually have a few gifts along with it.” 

You shared her enthusiasm. “Hmm… is it what I think it is?” 

The wedding. The most eventful day of her life would be arriving soon and you were the first one to hear it. 

“Yes!” she answered, with the utmost joy coruscating from her eyes. “I want you to be my maid-of-honor, Y/N. I’d be extremely happy if you could make it. I know you just got into an accident, but it won’t be until two months, so—”

“Hey, it’s okay.” You eased her worries by chuckling. “I’m completely fine, of course I’ll be there. I can’t miss it.” 

Shoko was grateful to hear your answer, relieved even, because by asking you to be her maid-of-honor, you should already understand who Suguru’s best man would be. That was a touchy subject for you and she was keenly aware of it, but you didn’t want her to worry. You didn’t want your relationship with your ex-husband to have a negative impact on the relationship of all the other people surrounding the both of you. It was already bad enough that Shoko and Suguru almost called off their engagement after they fought over their morals as you and Satoru’s friends, and you were glad that they somehow made things work. They somehow set aside their disagreements and ultimately chose their love over anything else. 

Their love was beautiful, and while that wasn’t something you could easily have, it was something you deeply admired. 

“Where are you guys planning to hold your wedding?” you asked, steering the conversation away from any mention of your ex-husband. “Here or overseas?” 

She delighted you with her answer, sounding as if this was the perfect wedding she had always dreamed of. “It’s an intimate wedding on the lakeside. Suguru chose the location, actually, since he wanted our wedding to have the view of Mount Fuji.” 

“That’s perfect,” you said with wide eyes. “Lake Kawaguchiko?” 

“Yep. That’s exactly where it’d be.” She smiled with her eyes. “You know this resort… Hoshinoya Fuji? We already booked the place, and we have a luxury cabin for friends and families to stay at.” 

You had been there before, but you were too young to remember. All you knew was that it was a high-end resort that had the best panoramic views of Lake Kawaguchiko and Mount Fuji. The hotel owner was also a close friend of the Gojou family, so that was probably why they were able to rent the entire place for the wedding, especially at a peak season for tourists. 

Since the fall season was arriving, you could only imagine the stunning views of the autumn foliage there. It offered the perfect weather, too. It wouldn’t be as hot as summer, nor as freezing as winter. Surely, it would be nice to do some nature walks and stargazing, maybe ride a boat or bathe in a hot spring. You looked forward to it, except for the fact that your ex-husband would also be there. 

And just what a perfect timing it was, because as Shoko sorted through her patients' medical records above her desk, a file slipped from the pile, revealing the name of your very friend, Akemi. 

“Oh,” Shoko murmured apologetically as she retrieved the record, not wanting to ruin the mood of your conversation. “She, uh, came by a few days ago... with Gojou.”

You didn’t need to ask. You didn’t need to hear any further detail. Akemi’s visit likely revolved around her desire to conceive, as she wouldn’t have visited Shoko otherwise. Why? If it were simply to monitor her polycystic ovary, why did she choose Shoko instead of her own gynecologist? Thinking of how your ex-husband and best friend were attempting to start a family together left your heart shattered in unimaginable pieces, stirring up painful memories of your pathetic marriage with Satoru and reopening old wounds you thought had already healed from. Wasn’t it ironic that a couple of years ago, you were crying over the same situation with Sera? 

You couldn’t stand this feeling anymore. You thought you had already freed yourself from the pain of loving him, yet here you were suffering from the same heartbreak over and over and over again. Tears threatened to spill, but you held them back, the ache in your chest too raw to confront just yet. 

“It’s funny.” Although you displayed an outward smile, the sadness in your voice reflected your otherwise inward thoughts. You didn’t know why you said that. You were just too… too emotional. Almost like you couldn’t breathe. “He was never this passionate with me. They seem so in love.” 

Ieiri’s eyes carried sisterly concern in them. “Y/N, it’s not really what you think.” 

Was it? You weren’t sure what to feel anymore. You certainly weren't there to hear it anymore, either. Satoru chose her, just like what you wanted for him to do. Just like what you asked him to do. He had moved on, he had found someone who would love him for who he was, he had chosen the woman he would share the rest of his future with. Call yourself ridiculous for even feeling hurt about it, because you had no right to be and you definitely chose this. Either you own up to it, or you cry about it for the rest of your life. 

Both choices had no happy endings. 

— —

When Satoru learned about your incident in the woods, he thought he was going to lose his mind. 

Was it out of love that he swiftly left the office in the middle of a meeting just to get to where you were? 

He still had to pick up Sachiro from daycare, and he felt bad telling his son on the way to the hospital that his mother was hurt. It actually gave Satoru a hard time explaining to the 3-year old that they had to go to the hospital because his mommy was there and that she had an unfortunate encounter while riding a horse. 

“Dada, is… is mama okay?” Sachiro pouted with wide, tearful eyes as he clung to his father’s hand. “Sachi wants to go to mama!” 

“She’ll be okay, Sachi.” Gojou carried his son and soothed him as they went inside the hospital, searching for you. “Mommy’s strong, remember?” 

Was it out of love that he wanted to be the person that brought your son to you when you most needed him? 

According to the nurse, your room was on the seventh floor, but when he got there, your room was empty. It was Ian who told him that you went up the rooftop garden to get some fresh air, insisting that if Satoru wanted to go and talk to you, that it was best to leave Sachiro with them. 

And so he did. He ran hastily, almost out of breath, until he reached the rooftop, scanning every face within the vicinity until his tired blue eyes finally landed on you. 

Satoru laughed in disbelief. He scoffed bitterly, with each breath full of disgust. The tips of his fingers felt cold, while his breathing grew thin and ragged. He could feel his stomach clenching at the humiliation of seeing you engaged in an intimate make-out session with Toji Zen’in. 

How sickeningly sweet. 

At that point, he was laughing at his own expense, ignoring the elderly lady who looked at him like he was a crazy person. He stood there frozen for a few minutes, watching you kiss another man before it finally woke him up from reality. 

It was out of love that he let you go. 

You see? This was where his attachment to you would lead him. It was pure and unreasonable selfishness, but he would gain nothing at all from even seeing you. He didn’t need to care for you at all, no. You had Toji. You seemed to be goddamn happy with your life with Toji. And what a romantic fucking moment that was, too. 

Satoru couldn’t think straight when he hurriedly left the hospital and got inside his car. He desperately wanted to forget the painful image of you locking lips with somebody else. How? How would he? Fuck! He was mad, mad at himself for choosing to come to your aid like he still had any role in your life. He was disgusted at himself for ignoring Akemi’s calls after promising her a movie date after work. He couldn’t believe he had her waiting all by herself in that cinema, waiting for him to come while he was stupidly running around the hospital to see his ex-wife. 

You chose Toji, then you better be happy. Satoru hoped you were happy, and that wish came from a place of genuineness. He genuinely hoped the best for you. Because for him, it was time to fully let go and stop himself from trying to be the superhero whenever you were in danger. You weren’t his wife anymore. 

So, was it out of love that he headed straight to Akemi’s apartment that night with a bouquet of red roses? 

She didn’t know what happened nor was she given the full detail as to why he unintentionally stood her up on their date night. He had just briefly explained that he had to drop Sachiro off to you at a hospital because you got into a small accident. Akemi, being your friend, got immediately worried upon hearing the situation and asked if Satoru was able to check on you. 

He said no. He said Toji was there. He said he left as soon as dropped Sachiro off. 

And in an effort to apologize for not paying attention to the current woman in his life, Satoru pulled Akemi in a tight embrace. He held her in her arms, drunk from the sweet and citrusy notes of her perfume, before pulling away to kiss her. He kissed her with the same passion as you did with Toji. Perhaps even more, even better. He completely devoured her lips, with a hand on her cheek and the other on her waist. The taste of her tongue was sweet like strawberries, while her lips were red like cherries. 

This woman was all he needed. 

But was this love? He didn’t know. It was too soon to tell, too early to answer, too hasty to even consider. 

— —

The current situation you were in reminded you of your younger self after your mother had died. It was the same before; you never left the house, often locking yourself in your room, shutting yourself off from the world, and drowning yourself with the pain and loneliness of losing somebody important. 

Sure, no one really died for you to be acting this way right now, but the feeling was still the same. Was this really a comeuppance to all of your wrongdoings before? But just how terrible were you of a person to be hit by this unbelievable truckload of sorrow? You might as well spur on the physical pains of your angina again if this torment continued. Otherwise, how else do you avoid it? 

You were being a terrible mother, too. You were too engrossed by your own misery that you couldn’t even properly take care of Sachiro. He didn’t deserve to have an incompetent and irresponsible mother like you. He deserves someone better, someone like Akemi, who not only has all the motherly traits a woman should have, but also the physical and mental capacity of being a true, strong woman. 

Sachiro was bound to have that, anyway. Now that his father was planning his lifelong journey with another woman, and now that he was trying to build a happy family with her, you were no longer needed in the picture. There was no need for you. 

How many more times would you tell that you have accepted it? 

Because, god be damned, you knew you couldn’t. You knew you were lying to yourself when you said everything was fine, lying to Satoru when you told him you didn’t need him in your life anymore, lying to Toji for telling him that you wanted to marry him, lying to Akemi that you didn’t care if she was seeing your ex-husband, and lying to Sachiro when you promised to him that you would never leave his side. You were a liar. A terrible liar. A pitiful, terrible liar. 

How would you tell the universe that you couldn’t take it anymore? That, for once, you wanted to be showered by happiness and all the good things in life? 

Sera was right. Not everyone could have it all. There were people of lesser fortune who weren’t blessed to live a lavish life like you, yet still work hard to achieve what they want. Why couldn't you achieve your own happiness without blaming it on the universe? If this was simply a lesson, then weren’t you the top student at this rate? 

God. God, help me. You really didn’t know how to deal with this life anymore. You weren’t sure how to proceed. You couldn’t rely on anything other than the bottle of alcohol on your hand—what was once full was now half empty after you took another swig. This was your second bottle already, wasn’t it? Or third? 

You got up from the floor and failed to walk in a straight line as you made your way towards the balcony. Your steps were unsteady, wavering like a leaf caught in a gentle breeze. With each attempt to move forward, your body swayed from side to side, struggling to maintain balance. You almost lost grip of the bottle you were holding. No, it did, in fact, slip from your hand and ended up crashing into the floor. Shards of glass lay across the ground, ready to pierce the soles of your feet to mirror the same physical pain your heart was experiencing. 

“Stop,” you muttered under your breath, begging for your chest to stop hurting. But it only worsened, and your antidote to that was to wash it down with even more liquor. No matter how expensive it was, you didn’t even like the taste of alcohol. You hated the sting on your throat whenever you drank it. You despised the bitterness it left on your tongue. However, it did great at numbing your emotions. 

It just felt wrong in many ways that you were seeing Satoru’s face whenever you closed your eyes. You could see his smile, his loving eyes, his beautiful lips. You missed his embrace, his kiss, his touch. You missed hearing his I love you’s. Him. You missed him. You yearned for him. Three goddamn years, and you were still undeniably in love with him. 

“Satoru…” you cried, sitting on the floor. Each breath made it harder and harder for you to catch as tears continued to stream down your face. You were tired of pretending, denying that you no longer had feelings for him when you knew deep down that you would always choose him. “S-Satoru… come back to me, please.”

Was it him coming inside your room? Or was it your vision making a fool out of you? 

“Baby, what are you doing?” Satoru’s expression was engulfed in immense worry as he knelt down and reached out to you, touching your cheek and looking at your eyes somberly. “Don’t do this yourself, Y/N.” 

Your head hung low, your gaze unfocused and glazed, as you fought to keep your eyes on the path ahead. You had to reach him. You wanted to touch him, hug him. And despite your best efforts, your movements were disjointed and erratic, betraying the effects of the alcohol coursing through your veins.

“Y/N, that’s enough.” Gen had to use force just to be able to snatch the bottle away from you, forcing you to wake up to the reality where Satoru no longer existed to be there for you. It was her who came rushing inside your room in the middle of the night. The bottle of liquor was now spilled all over the floor. The same could be described with your emotions. “Get it together. You haven’t been acting like yourself lately!”

You couldn’t, even if you wanted to. You were in delirium after having dealt with all the terrible things the world had thrown at you. If you couldn’t drown yourself in alcohol, how else would you have been able to numb the pain? How else would you have been able to… forget? 

As much as your sister tried to hide the obvious sympathy in her voice, even your drunken mind could recognize it. “We all know you’re going down the depression lane again, but never to this extent.” Her voice cracked in the middle of her sentence, cradling you into her arms as a tear fell down her face. The Gen who would usually lecture you, was now holding you in her arms as her only baby sister. “Stop this, Y/N, please. Don’t ruin your life the second time. I-It’s hurting me. It’s hurting Dad. Do you… do you realize what Sachiro’s gonna think of you when he sees you like this?” 

“Gen…” Muffled sobs unwillingly came out of you, leaving you with such excruciating pain in the chest, so much so that it didn’t even feel like you had done surgery to fix your (quite literally) broken heart.  “I w-want him back,” you continued to cry, “I want my husband back. I want to be with h-him, Gen.” 

“Y/N.”

“Where’s S-Satoru…? D-Did he leave? Please take me to him—”

“Y/N, listen to me.” She gently cupped your cheeks, forcing you to look at her pained eyes. “You’re intoxicated. He was never here, and he’d never come for you. You have to let it go.” 

“But—”

“He’s not good for you. He never will be.”

— —

It had been two weeks since Satoru last heard about you. Miwa was the one who updated him that you had already returned to your family’s mansion, letting him know that you were okay and that you were recovering well. Frankly, Satoru was starting to get annoyed at the fact that his secretary was still giving him updates about you. What did he care? He wasn’t your husband anymore. 

Besides, Toji was probably visiting you every day, so why did he have to worry about you? If there was anyone he should be worried about, it was Akemi. She had been experiencing terrible pelvic cramps lately, which needed to be given serious attention, but you would never see her being dramatic about it. The only thing she needed was for Gojou to accompany her visits to the OB-GYN, and even then, she never showered herself in self-pity. She carried herself like an independent woman, and that was exactly what Satoru needed in his life right now. 

He had a son to raise. He had a company to run. It wasn’t the perfect time to commit himself to someone lawfully. Heck, he didn’t even believe in marriage anymore. He realized that two people could still love each other without getting married. As long as Akemi didn’t pressure him about such things, he was fine with having her around. She didn’t ask for anything much, anyway. 

As for you, well… 

“What are you planning with that mansion you gifted Y/N?” asked Nanami, seated on the couch inside Satoru’s office, casually reading a newspaper. “Do you even remember that?” 

He certainly did. “What about it?” he questioned, idly toying with a pen on his desk. “It’s her property now. She can sell it if she wants.”

Better yet, you should let Sachiro inherit the property someday. His son was already set for a life of privilege having wealthy parents on both sides, but wouldn’t the mansion be a substantial addition to his assets in the future? Satoru couldn’t help but envision the kind of man his son would grow up into. He hoped Sachiro would not inherit his father's immaturity and pettiness but would embody the kindness and altruism of his mother. From a business perspective, however, Satoru planned to groom his son to be a leader, as he was the sole heir to the Gojou Group. Additionally, he would also inherit half of Creston and the entirety of Hearte. No wonder Sachiro was recently listed as the wealthiest kid by Forbes Japan. He even beat Megumi Zen’in from the list even though the teenager was the heir of the Zen’in business empire. 

These were the thoughts that should consume Satoru—the future, not the past. His kid, not you. And he was right about doing so, because when he came home to his penthouse, he was told that he had a visitor. 

A visitor on a Wednesday afternoon? 

Your brother-in-law, the esteemed prosecutor who sent his evil stepmother to jail, appeared on his front door, carrying Sachiro in his arms. It was hard to tell what type of emotions were visible on the man’s face, but he definitely didn’t bring any good news. 

“Ian?” Satoru promptly made way for the man to come in, ushering him into the penthouse and allowing him to set Sachiro down. The young boy was quick to dart off to his playroom, leaving the two men in an uncomfortable silence. “What’s going on? Weekends are usually my schedule with Sachi.” 

Ian cleared his throat, a hand on his pocket. “Do you mind looking after Sachiro for the time being?” 

By saying ‘for the time being’, it seemed like Ian wanted to actually say ‘until further notice.’ But that confused Satoru even more, because what was happening for the man to come here and ask him to let Sachiro stay beyond the agreed schedule with his father? He couldn’t read through Ian’s expression and it was making him uneasy. 

“I can, but… why so suddenly?” Gojou asked, glancing at his oblivious son. 

“It’s Y/N’s idea, Gen doesn’t know about it.” Ian released an awkward chuckle. “You know how my wife is.” 

Gen would absolutely hate it, Satoru was aware for sure. Though the questions lingered in his mind. “Why would Y/N want Sachi to stay with me? Where’s she?” 

Was it him or was Ian having a hard time explaining the situation? It felt like he was walking on eggshells, deciding between what had to be said and what shouldn’t. He was careful with his words when he spoke again, “Y/N flew to Monaco this morning and will be back when she’s ready. She says Sachiro should spend all of his time with you while she’s gone.” 

Monaco? Why would you be there?

Confusion bathed Satoru’s eyes. “Is it for a fashion event or something?” 

“No, she’s just…” Ian struggled heavily. “Well, to sum it up, she has to go there to sort some things out. It’s a personal thing, but she really needs this time for herself and we think it’s the best for her right now. I don’t know how long she’s gonna stay there or when she’ll be back, but I hope you understand what I’m trying to say here.”

No, he didn’t. Satoru found it difficult to fathom his ex-brother-in-law’s words, seeing as he had no general idea of what was truly going on. But if you were flying to Monaco, surely Toji wouldn’t allow you to go there all by yourself? 

Ahh. It made sense now. I see what’s happening here. 

Satoru’s lips curled into sarcasm. You would be vacationing with the love of your life. Is that what it was? Planning your halted wedding? Choosing wedding gowns? Looking for venues? There was no way you would be flying to Monaco alone, especially without Sachiro around when you two had been inseparable since his birth. 

“What kinda mother is she?” Satoru muttered in disgust, unaware that Ian had overheard him. But Ian had heard loud and clear. How could you leave your son behind like this? Couldn’t you face your ex-husband to discuss it, instead of just dropping Sachiro off as if he were some unwanted toy?

“Hold it right there,” Ian interjected, becoming defensive at the accusation. “You have no idea what she’s going through.”

How would he know? No one was telling him shit. No one was giving him details, so did they expect him to understand things and accept them as they were? Did they do the same thing to Satoru when he was at the verge of losing his sanity asking everyone for forgiveness over and over? 

“I've never taken sides between you two, Satoru, you know that,” Ian continued, trying to maintain a calm demeanor and speak with clear judgment, “But one thing I’m not gonna let you do is call Y/N a bad mother.”

Satoru’s chest tightened at Ian's words, a mixture of guilt and frustration bubbling up inside him. He knew he shouldn’t have spoken out of turn, but the pain and resentment were too raw to contain. It felt like you were abandoning him and your child, like you were off to a new chapter in your life again, and leaving everything behind. Perhaps this was his trauma from the New York thing crawling back at him, but it definitely reminded him of the day you had abandoned him. For three fucking years. How long would it take you to return now? 

Why do you keep doing this? He was sick of it. You kept running away instead of talking to him. He gets it, people change, circumstances change, but couldn’t you at least have the decency to talk to him about it? Was it wrong for him to wish you’d handled this differently? To wish that you’d talked to him, involved him in the decision-making process, instead of just making this unilateral decision and leaving him to pick up the pieces? 

Satoru took a moment, collecting his thoughts before continuing. “It’s fine, I’ll take care of Sachi,” he reassured, “I’ll take some time off work and have ‘Kemi help me out.” 

He looked back at Ian, his eyes pleading for further details, for answers, for some semblance of clarity in the midst of this emotional turmoil.

Yet none of it was given. 

And so, would it still be wrong to assume that he could now completely forget about you? That this opportunity to be with Sachiro would allow him a chance to share it with someone else? If you spent three years of your life playing house in New York with Toji, would it still be unfair for Satoru to do the same with Akemi? 

[idiotwhotalkstoomuch]

I never expected you guys to like demon Senjuro so much lol I’m really happy to see that like it was such a random impulse thought but the au has a lot of room for growth

In this post Im gonna establish a few things about what happened to Senjuro and Kyojuro in the events between Senjuro’s “death” and the pillar meeting. I will only cover their relationship and a little bit of Senjuro’s relationship with Tanjiro. The others can come at a different post cause this post is gonna be long lol so I put it under cut cause no one really wants a post to flood their dash

TW: Mentions of death (some are children), mentions of cannibalism (If you’ve seen even the first episode of demon slayer and had no problem, you’re fine with this post. This post is slightly not anime only friendly as I make references to an upper moon and I show a manga only panel as of posting this) Shnjuro gets really depressed but luckily there is no attempted suicide

Senjuro Rengoku

- His class was at the bottom floor and they were cleaning the school (I heard thats a thing in Japan if someone has a better idea on what they’re doing feel free to shoot an ask) when they got attacked

- In canon we dont know his age but I’m gonna guess like 12-14 but in the au he is 13 so he was 12 when he became a demon. A rogue demon attacked Senjuro’s class and Senjuro ran to get help and was fatally injured but still managed run to get help as he was given a nichirin sword and even if it didnt change color he must have known breathing techniques at the very least on a basic level and the demon was too preoccupied with some of the teachers and others trying to kill the demon, of course unaware of what it was except for Senjuro

- Upper moon 4 was sneaking around when he saw the all but dead body of Senjuro and demons really dont have standards for turning people into demons so when he noticed he was alive, turned him into a demon mostly so that if he did find any “evil people” (demon slayers) he could use him as his meat shield alongside his personalities

- When Senjuro woke up as a demon (cause even if he was a breath user he was very inexperienced so Hantengu had no problem making him a demon), he had no memory of his life as a human and looked around trying to find a human to satiate his hunger and saw a human in the distance with someone and began to run to them to satiate his hunger when he felt himself being held back. 

- The spirit of Ruka Rengoku gently held her son back and instructed him to not eat humans as that’s not something he should do and even if Senjuro couldn’t recognize the woman holding him back, he found himself obeying her and running to go to a place to hide from the sun

- From that moment on for a few day he would hop from place to place whether underneath homes, in caves or any place he could find to avoid being seen and to be shielded from the sun and found himself growing sleepy so in the cave he hid in, far away from the place he was last in, he closed his eyes and fell asleep for a year

- When he woke up, he had unwittingly burnt away Muzan’s control of him and was unsure on what to do when Ruka’s spirit appeared again telling him that he needs to find his way home. Senjuro wasn’t actually listening to a lot of what she said except one thing stuck to him. 

- “Senjuro”, he didn’t know what his name was as a demon but the name seem to stick to him and he figured this must be his name (he would of course be correct)

- When he found himself staying with the Kamaboko squad, having been spared despite being a demon due to him not having any form of aggression to them (something they all noticed due to his general demeanor and their enhanced sense) and Tanjiro could smell he hadnt eaten one human and he invited him to join them. He joined Nezuko in her box (she can grow really really tiny if she wants or is tired)

Reference: 

Kny chapter 85

- He joined for two reasons: One, he was really scared of people and demon slayers especially so when Tanjiro offered him the chance to be able to be safe and hide he took it. Secondly, he wasn’t sure but the smile Tanjiro gave and his warm reassurance reminded of him of someone, when he thought hard he only saw blurry shadows and got a headache so didn’t try to push it

- Tanjiro did ask him in the wisteria house while Zenitsu was chatting with Nezuko and Inosuke was off being Inosuke about his past and Senjuro told him about his brief meetings with a woman with black hair and asks if they’ve met before as he feels familiar

- This is where he gets the idea that the woman with black hair (Ruka) is his mother and Tanjiro guesses that the person that he thinks is Tanjiro must be his father (right on the first part Tanjiro but wrong on the second lol, you tried)

- He wears a cyan yukata with a new hakama pants as the clothes he was previously wearing was the same bloodstained clothes he wore after turning into a demon and Tanjiro didnt want to leave him in that. Tanjiro thought to get him a gag but the idea made Senjuro uncomfortable so Tanjiro made him swear to never eat a single human

- In Mount Nagatumo, he was too scared to jump out to protect Tanjiro like Nezuko but when she gets sliced up he leaves the box to watch her while Tanjiro fights Rui, unfortunately he is caught in Rui’s webs like Nezuko and was saved from it by Nezuko flames (though it did burn him a fair bit, Nezuko would apologize to him for this later)

- Giyuu doesn’t kill Senjuro cause his resemblance to Kyojuro despite the different clothes and demon eyes is clear to anyone who can see and Shinobu also finds herself hesitating but shakes those feelings off as Kyojuro deserves better than to see his little brother as a demon. Luckily Giyuu stops him and Senjuro runs with Nezuko and Tanjiro but is later taken back to the demon slyer corps by a Kakushi who put him and Nezuko back in their box

- When Sanemi stabbed the box, he moved to try and protect Nezuko but the box was too cramped and they both got stabbed despite his efforts. Later when he tries to bait him with his marechi blood, he’s too focused on resisting the blood and on Nezuko who he had grown to see as a sister to care about the wide eyed looks the pillars were giving him.

Kyojuro Rengoku (I am so sorry in advance Kyojuro simps I put this man THROUGH IT)

- He had just finished a mission and was going to get another mission when a crow he hadn’t seen work in years came flying to him, obviously panicked telling him how Senjuro’s school was attacked and how no one can find Senjuro among the bodies. The crow was Shinjuro’s

- When he hears that, all the kakushi and other demon slayers present would say they had never seen the flame pillar run so frantically, he only stopped to apologize briefly if he bumped into someone while running but the only thing racing in his mind was his little brother who had no weapon to defend himself with. He forced the image of his brother being nothing but a corpse away only thinking about saving Senjuro

- When he reached the school, he forced himself to calm down. Panicking isn’t going to magically bring Senjuro to him so he needs to keep himself in check because with so many people dead, he’s not the only one concerned over the kids

- There were no survivors on the area that was attacked, the police were there investigating the deaths of the many children and teachers, Kyojuro had to spend time convincing the police he was with them and to be allowed to investigate as well

- With no survivors, he heard from the police that there was a blood trail when they got there and he went to find the trail, when he reached the end of it where there were no traces of Senjuro but since the people there were untrained civilians, Senjuro was the only possible person to have been there

- He spent multiple days searching, Mitsuri was at one point sent to check on him and it was clear he was pushing himself, as days passed by, his composure and bright demeanor were crumbling and he started latching onto any lead to at the very least find the body of Senjuro to take back home but it was becoming clear that he would never find it and a kakushi had to be the one to tell him that his body was likely eaten to the bone or eaten and discarded to either rot away or eaten by someone else

- Kyojuro took a week off, not just because of the grief he felt at that moment but because he needed to check on his father and make sure he would be okay, the man didn’t even face Kyojuro when he came in to visit, he forced himself to not cry in front of his father as he tried to talk to the man who couldn’t even say a word and just drank away even as his eldest son tried to talk to him

- Servants were hired to monitor Shinjuro by Kyojuro as he was concerned about his health both physically and mentally but he did notice how Shinjuro never resisted to being taken care of by the people he hired. They reported to him he could be heard muttering Senjuro’s name and even stares at his room for extended periods of time

- When he made his return, he apologized to the pillars for his behavior the past two weeks (even though no one blamed the man, some even said it was okay if he needed more time, they wouldn’t judge) but whenever he was told that he said he had to be strong to protect the weak so he could be someone that could stop families from ending up like his own

- He was far more determined in killing demons, demon attacks had become personal to him now, whenever he saw a demon eating people he found himself wondering what they must’ve thought in the afterlife as the demon desecrated their bodies

- In the pillar meeting, when he was informed of a swordsman who travelled with not one but two demons, he felt disgust as who knows how many humans they could eat. On the way to the meeting, he couldn’t help but notice Shinobu deliberately avoiding him a bit, Giyuu was doing the same but the man never really talked with them much to begin with

- When he saw Senjuro go out of the box with Nezuko, he felt the smile on his face drop and his heart practically sunk to the core of the earth as he saw the unmistakable hair of a Rengoku and the face was so clearly Senjuro’s despite his eyes having a black sclera and his iris and pupil becoming cat like, the pillars had all turned to see if the flame pillar was alright and he could hear Himejima mutter prayers and Mitsuri was on the verge of tears seeing Senjuro alive but as a demon

- He found himself going into denial until Tanjiro, who had been freed as Obanai left to comfort the distressed love pillar, ran and yelled Senjuro’s name and told him to resist his hunger

- “My sister and the other demon with us are different! They would never eat a human!”

- Senjuro was a good kid, he was innocent, kind and a bit on the timid side. He had helped raise him, he knew Senjuro would never want to harrm a fellow human even when threatened. 

[sokumotanaka]

Name 1 time Team RWBY didn't care about or help people in the show!

Well yeah

Yang destroyed a nightclub with innocent patrons in it, no, before anyone assumes so they weren't STILL in when it crumbled but Yang walked in enticed a fight and them when the dude was gonna let it slide instigated it. Weather Jr. was a bad guy or not she brought a fight to a place with innocent civilians and didn't even glace back or feel bad once.

(yang's gonna get alot of these, be on the look out.)

And no these aren't in order nor am I gonna remember every single instant cause you idiots get uppity about technicalities like how "DUUUR Ozpin isn't their boss, he's their leader." Crap.

vv read more for mobile vv

In volume 1

- Yang calls a stranger she never met a lost cause cause she wasn't "graced" by yang's presence.

- Velvet was getting bullied and they all sat there, people sworn to protect the peace just watched racism happen (Mimics IRL too!) but only cared when jaune was involved.

- "You're discriminatory!" "I'm a victim!"

- The filthy faunus from the boat

- weiss went on a racist rant about faunus and never apologized to Blake or Sun. She then worded it as if she was doing weiss a favor for being the way she was.

- "I lieeeed" Thanks jaune you're creepy and an asshole

In volume 2

- Yang barely knows Blake and is shoving her to prove a point, even if she cares about her, shoving a stressed out and tired woman then inviting yourself for a hug is super uncomfortable.

- they drag a mech to a freeway sending cars flying and they dont even talk about it or try to see if those people are okay.

- Faunus are lied to by humans that the train they're taking that the explosives will be used to topple the government, the characters never try to explain that roman is just gonna use them as bodies and they could all try to stop him and disarm the bombs and try fixing the government together. There's never a talk.

- They seal the entrance and murder a bunch of faunus and then take a nap.

In volume 3

- Even if mercury is a villain from yang's perspective he's a fellow challenger and she punches him way after his aura breaks which was considered illegal.

- Pretty much everyone literally going "In this friendly competition, let's smack talk that we're gonna make the other bleed." (I know who says that but Yatsu literally is like "I wont hold back." like this is suppose to be FRIENDLY.

- Yang gets pissed that blake registers this thing called fear and guilt and runs away cause she blames herself for her Ex's mental stability. But later Yang admits she wanted her there physically for her benefit, fuck whatever blake wanted I guess.

In volume 4

- "Oh no we gotta hurry to haven, let's walk."

- Ren: I should probably tell them there's a powerful grimm at my old home and they're carrying an injured man but I dont wanna. (Confirmed by miles btw that he wanted to show that there's a bit of selfishness in that decision...but If you're my friend and there's a shark in the water I'll still tell you? Cause I'm not an asshole.)

- Everything to do with Qrow

- Everything to do with jaune's manpain

-Blake about to draw her weapon on a ship captain

- Weiss doesn't' even yell no or reach out as her summon is about to attack a person.

In volume 5

- Ozpin not teaching ruby to use her silver eyes or even telling her.

- Yang literally punching a dude in a bar (No I'm not saying he didnt deserve it. But Miles and kerry call it yang brushing him off in the commentary and you dont brush a person off by grabbing them so they couldn't be brushed off, that's the opposite XD)

- Them arriving in mistral and not being in a hurry to tell anyone in charge about cinder, what she plans to do and anything about beacon.

- Oscar literally projecting on ruby for no reason (honestly we didn't need a second jaune, ruby barely get's development but that's a whole other rant.)

- "Humans didn't do this WE did." Bitch they just live there don't tell them they gotta EARN equality, was this written by a brainlet? (Yes it was)

- Ruby punching oscar a kid with no battle experience square in the face during sparring and cheering after.

- Literally forgiving Ironwood, genocidal ass but instantly going "Let's just murder leo the minority. No jail time, no "why's" just end them from Ozpin.

volume 6

- TURN OFF THE TURRETS PROTECTING THE TRAIN AND KILLING GRIMM THE PEOPLE ARE SCARED XD

- Yang trying to intimidate maria for going "hey fighting in a blizzard is dangerous for two reasons, 1. it's a blizzard and 2. Grimm sense all of your guy's anger, we should find shelter." And yang tries to tell her to shut up XD

- Qrow punching a child regardless of his feelings on ozpin, he's still hosting a child's body

- Team RWBY drawing their weapons on oscar

- Oscar helping them find jinn's name and kinda holding ozpin back and then after Qrow punches him yang balls up her fist and demands he bring him back out. (No matter how stressed you are, oscar is still a child and if your uncle is gonna punch, you the more rash of the two will definitely punch.

- Them being invited into jaune's sister's house and jaune putting a hole in the wall and it never comes up with the couple.

- Jaune yelling at oscar and grabbing him by his collar and for some reason the kid looks up to him???

- Ruby's stupid "we never needed adult help" speech while she sits in an adult couple's house and got lead there by adults and learned how to use her silver eyes to save her and her friends by an elderly lady literally standing behind her. (Great, selfish)

- Salem (she isn't a hero but people for some reason sympathize with her) Literally watches people get thanos snapped and just goes "I'll bring more." She had to spend at least a week with these people to form alliances, and get to know some of them and this was all for ONE GUY! This is literally what people laugh at Obito for it's the exact same motivation of making a pile of people's bodies all of their benefit.

- Also Salem: Walking through the empty world literally going "oh no with no people....how will I get my revenge!?" This is shippuden Esc Writing.

Future volumes

(So I stopped at vol 6 thank god but a friend of mine told me what happened in the future arcs.)

- Literally NOW weiss owns up for her family and her complicit attitude only for a new faunus to go "well it doesn't involve me so I dont care."

- Ren calling out yang's rash attitude and then her stepping infront of him fist balled, because again yang thinks she's a god and getting her ideas and thoughts questioned or challenge invites PHYSICAL VIOLENCE.

And no I dont care about future volumes so dont come into my inbox preaching "Oh well jaune ran into a house and saved some kittens so that should absolve all of their heavy flaws cause I'm a smart." : )

[xncasi]

EDIT: jdkdjfkdkd I DIDNT WRITE A TITLE & also cuz someone requested i will deliver: a pt 2 will follow!

just a short snippet of writing i felt like doing, based off the song “Butterfly’s Repose” by Zabawa :) i edited as i went along so it might be a bit messy, i’m sorry >>>

Dr. Spencer Reid x shy!reader

length: 11.2K

warnings: a LOTTA angst, small fluff, emotional abuse, death

—————————————————

Dr. Reid is one of many things, as y/n has noticed, but she’d never say that he was overtly emotional. From the time that she started working for the BAU until now, which has been about five years, she’s come to know this enigmatic man. 

Not only has she gotten to know him though, but she’s begun to care about him. Sure, she cares deeply about the well-being of the team; which of its members wouldn’t? But this strong surge of emotions came early on and have since remained. 

She can vividly recall the first case she’d worked on with her new coworkers, back when she was fresh to the BAU. The unsub’s signature had been riddles that apparently would reveal the location or subject of his next attacks. They’d spent night after night poring over those puzzles, and she can practically taste the bitter, old coffee that the station had offered them. But more fondly she can recall Dr. Reid’s furrowed brows, the way he’d sat for hours in front of papers, trying to write down new ideas that came to mind. Y/n can remember the way his eyes lit up when he finally pieced it all together, the quickness of his words and the way she struggled to understand. 

Morgan had tried to jokingly explain Dr. Reid’s genius prior to her first case, but it wasn’t until she saw it in action that she truly understood. And, to be honest, she was intimidated.

Sure, she’d done well in her classes throughout her school career, but she’d fought so hard to reach her dream job. The endless late nights of studying and bitter tasting coffee had pushed her through all the required class credits she’d needed; y/n had never stopped working, never wanting to possibly even entertain the idea that she couldn’t make it. And to finally be able to say she’d succeeded, and then to walk through the doors of the FBI and BAU after a few years of working in the field; it was a dream come true!

And yet...she couldn’t ever quite understand how the genius was just so smart without even seeming to try. He could read full books in ten minutes, recite statistics he’d only read about once, and was able to piece together puzzles that saved countless lives. She wasn’t jealous, per-say, but she yearned to know how he did it and who he was. 

And so, the quiet and reserved y/f/n watched. She wasn’t a woman of many words, and yet she’d still been able to contribute to a variety of cases. Hotch knew that despite her lack of words she was still a valuable asset, and that’s really all that mattered to her. 

But that’s besides the point. 

Around the year mark of her joining the BAU, something happened. Dr. Reid and her had been assigned by Hotch to interview the supposed unsub’s father one last time; they’d arrived thinking it’d be another simple interview, but the father ended up pulling a gun on them both and managed to shoot him in the leg. Something about “protecting his son” she believes, but one way or another it didn’t matter. 

Dr. Reid had been bleeding so heavily that y/n had thought his femoral artery had been pierced. She’d shot down the father and then fallen beside her partner, doing her best to apply pressure to the oozing wound. Those few minutes they spent together had been filled with talking, something which she hadn’t been very good at. Who is she kidding, she STILL isn’t good at it!

But anyways, getting back to the point--

To keep Dr. Reid alert, y/n had made small conversation with him. She’d asked about his favorite books, and then his favorite lines from those books. She questioned his music taste and took mental notes on all of it. So was it a surprise to him when he’d woken up to her asleep next to his hospital bed, one of his favorite books laying haphazardly in her lap?

She isn’t sure. 

After that, their friendship blossomed. Dr. Reid would talk about his favorite books, music, or movies and y/n would listen. They’d often meet up for coffee and walk to work together, and they often were paired up during cases because of their efficiency together. Y/n favored the quieter, library-like settings of a cafe and Dr. Reid would follow suit; bars were never exactly his thing anyways. They shared coffee and tea recommendations, they’d converse about classical literature, and sometimes he would accidentally spoil books for her because of how fast he read. 

(She’d never forgive him for spoiling the ending of “A Farewell to Arms.”)

The friendship between the two of them was strong, and it grew to a point where y/n might’ve even considered him to be her best friend. 

In her third year at the BAU, though, y/n had started dating a guy outside of work. At first it started okay; they’d go on romantic dates to fancy Italian restaurants, the ones where Frank Sinatra played in the background of a dimly lit, large room. He’d brought her her favorite flowers, and he even tried to drink the tea she liked. And Dr. Reid had put up with it all, only crossly wondering to himself WHY he felt so agitated whenever y/n would bring her new beau to their bar nights. Why wouldn’t he be happy for her? Y/n was his best friend after all, and she deserved to have a man who loved her. 

Around the third month of their relationship though, he began to notice how much more exhausted y/n had become. She often was late or didn’t show up to get coffee with him in the mornings, and she was unusually silent towards everyone when working cases. Whenever she had to take phone calls she’d step outside, and Dr. Reid had to simply pretend like he didn’t see her strained expressions when she entered the room again. This continued on for a good two months before he finally stepped up and asked y/n what was going on. 

It was their first fight.

He’d simply asked if she’d been doing okay, and y/n snapped. The dark bags under her eyes and the frazzled appearance she had screamed that no, contrary to whatever she was saying she wasn’t alright. There wasn’t anything he could do though, not when she raised her voice at him for asking about her well-being. So he dropped it.

He hadn’t expected her to reach back out so soon again though, especially not the exact same night of their squabble. Dr. Reid had been flipping through the pages of an old book he was rereading when his phone began to ring. Surprised at the thought that anyone would want to talk to him at this hour, he’d picked up his phone only to hear her sniffling on the line. She’d quietly apologized many times over, but no matter what he said he couldn’t get her to tell him why she’d called. It wasn’t until he heard a familiar voice yelling in the background and a yelp of fear that he understood. 

Promising to be over soon, Dr. Reid threw his heavy jacket over his shoulders and headed out into the cold and rainy night. The whole way there he’d been touching his phone, wondering if he should’ve call again. What if something happened while he was making his way there? Should he have called the police before leaving? At least he would’ve known then that she would’ve been okay. As he pulled up to the front of y/n’s apartment complex, he spots y/n shivering miserably on the front steps.

It’s less than twenty minutes before she’s back in his warm apartment, in a dry, borrowed pair of pajama pants and one of his old t-shirts. He hadn’t asked her specifically what had happened, not wanting to dredge up any of their earlier fight, but she’d still managed to find herself talking. Dr. Reid had only just given y/n a steaming cup of tea when she’d broken down, salty tears running down her red cheeks and staining the borrowed shirt. He’d settled beside her on his couch, highly aware of the warmth emanating from her body and the way her tearful gaze avoided his. With some gentle coaxing he managed to get an explanation out of y/n. 

Her boyfriend had been cheating for upwards of two months, but she hadn’t been able to leave because of his threats. They’d always changed from one night to the next, but most of them held the same message: if you leave me, I’ll kill myself or hurt you. 

Now Dr. Reid had never considered himself to be an angry person; competition was something he avoided for the most part, and he was incredibly slow to anger. This, though, this made his blood boil. 

And so the young man had gathered y/n in his arms, comforting his best friend as he remained fully aware of how close they physically were. He told himself that this is what friends did, and her? Well, she was too far gone in her own mind to possibly even consider what could’ve been passing between them. 

Now, though, she’s fully aware of how close he is to her. Much like on that night, when Dr. Reid, no -- Spencer -- held her, she’d felt safe. Wrapped in the doctor’s arms she’d known nothing could’ve reached her, not if he didn’t want it to. 

Pressed up against his chest, y/n can feel the past two years of uncertain flirting and the dancing around each other dissipate. The months of awkward glances and longing stares has finally reached a head, finally manifested into real touches and love-filled gazes. 

She only wished it had happened sooner. 

She wished it had happened long before this case, long before they’d flown out here to take on the serial shooter that’d been terrorizing this city. Because now, with her blood pouring out of her chest and abdomen, she knows she has no time left. There’s no more time for first kisses or late night talks, no more shared coffee breaks or reading to each other while curled up together under a blanket. 

Spencer, her best friend who’d she’d loved for so long, has no time either. 

He’s holding onto his best friend’s body, pressing her to his chest with tears welling in his eyes. Sirens sound in the distance, possibly growing closer, but they’re too muted for him to be able to tell. He’d heard the shots and had come running, but it’d been too late. Y/n had been shot four times, three times in the chest and once in the abdomen. She’d toppled over, shock written all over her face as her gun had clattered to the ground beside her.

And now, she can barely remember any of it. She can still feel the ringing in her ears, but now she’s beginning to realize how hard it is to breath. She can taste the metallic tang of blood, and as she coughs and splutters she can feel it running over her lips. It’s warm, too warm. 

Fear begins to overpower her, and she finds herself uncontrollably shaking. “S-Spencer, I d-don’t wanna die,” she rasps, her y/e/c, tear-filled eyes turning to look up into his chocolate brown ones. 

He has to swallow back his own tears, fighting to hold on as he looks down at the person he’s cared about for so long. Stroking her cheek with his thumb, he shakes his head. “Honey, hold on for me, okay?” he asks gently, his voice cracking. 

“I promise I won’t leave you,” he murmurs, tears beginning to slide down his cheeks. Y/n whimpers as she begins to feel a tingling numbness move up her legs. “Spencer, I-I...I love y-you,” she whispers, her hand shakily reaching up for his face.

 Leaning down into the body in his lap, Spencer Reid presses his forehead against his best friend’s. 

Softly pressing his chapped lips to her bloodstained ones, he gently pulls away and rasps, “I know.” 

As y/n’s eyes begin to flutter closed, she grasps onto her best friend’s hand for dear life and lets out one last, heart-wrenching sob. 

[arthurflecksgirl]

Nothing but clowns /Arthurs POV

My version of the scene when Arthur watches the news on tv

Making food for mum is always a bit complicated. Much to think of, because there are always two questions: Should I put some sleeping pills in her oath meal or not? And if yes how many? I check and notice that I am running out of meds. Shit.

The plan for today is:

Visiting Dr Kane, going to the pharmacy afterwards and then go to Pogos.

Today`s not a usual visit at the comedy club. Today will be my day! I will tell my own jokes up on stage. I`m no longer the lonely man sitting alone on his table with a glass of water in the middle of the room. I will be the star up there and people will have a good laugh. Even Sophie. And I just know she will be there to see me. I hope she will get my humor- I`m sure she does because she was digging it in the elevator- and maybe she`ll like me even more afterwards. I would love to leave Pogos together, take her out on a date, have a coffee or something. Talking about how I write my jokes and what inspires me to write them. How it feels like when funny thoughts cross my mind and how much of it is hard work and how much just comes to me. Maybe she`ll be interested in that after watching my performance. Interested in me. I`ve heard that humor is important in a relationship and that woman prefer men with a good sense of humor. So maybe I will have a chance after all.

I dont hesitate to take the last two sleeping pills and crash them to mix it in my mother`s bowl. No way I would give her the chance to ruin my afternoon. Everything is planned out and I know she would freak or do something unexpected as soon as she watches me leaving the house all dressed up. She would make a big scene as soon as I`m coming home after a long night out. And I just don`t have the nerves to deal with her shit. Besides that, it`s not good for her health to get all excited or angry about something. So a little sleep will help us both.She`ll be all save and sleepy when I come home, not a worry on her mind about where her son might have been.

"Happy look, Thomas Wayn`s on TV" My mothers voice echoes through the living room. her voice always feels like an echo to me. Because its always the same words filling the room, over and over again. Crashing against the heavy walls  without a sound but her thin voice .

"Happy Happy Happy. Thomas Wayne. " Two words that make my ears bleed in one sentence. How does she do that? It`s getting worse. Her voice just makes me feel bad sometimes. I really do care about mum a lot but some days I feel triggered by her talking and I don`t know why. Its like she says something and I immediately feel like I should eighter crawl under a blanked and hide or punsh a fucking wall.

"Yes mother!" I try not to sound annyoed. Not that she would ever notice if I was. Or hurt. She never does. Mum would have made a common therapist. Just sitting there, repeating the same three sentences for years while looking right through you.

Mum as a therapist would be like:

"Thomas Wayne will be major soon. How does that make you feel? Thomas Wayne does have some enemies lately. Does that change your own opinion on him? Did you noticed how skinny you are? Thomas Wayne gained some weight instead of losing it . How do you feel about that?  Are you sad today, Happy? "

And of course all my answers would also echo through the room. Unheard and without making a sound while crashing through the windows. Breaking glass. And I would cut myself on that glass. Over and over again. And Penny would call the doctors,telling them I tried to hurt myself again. Not realizing that she was the one hurting me.

My answer to her questions would be "Happy was always sad. Every minute of his life. How does that make you feel?"

I get the bowl and crush the rest of the pills. My wet hair is sticking to my neck. I`m freezing a little bit while wearing my PJ  pants only . It`s always cold in here. This apartment represents peoples hearts.

"They`re asking him about those horrible subway murders" she says.

What? Oh my god. This caughts my attention. Now I notice that I wasnt paying attention to the news for the whole time. Somehow it didnt cross my mind that there will be something about me on the news anytime soon. I was wrong!

They thank Wayne for being here, in these difficult times. Difficult for who? For him?  As if he would care about what happened or about anyone who isn`t like him. As if some dead guys on the subway would effect him personally. Does he know what it means to have a difficult life at all? I`m aware of the fact that money doesnt solve all problems. I dont even think about money. I think about so many other things Thomas does have and he is nothing but an arrogant prick about, Looking down on others.

I leave the kitchen and make my way to the couch "Why him?" I ask, placing her bowl of food on the table.

Why is Thomas the one talking about the three dead guys anyway?

"Look like he gained weight" .

I knew she would ignore my question and care about his looks instead. Seriously, sometimes I get the feeling like she has a crush on him or something. There must be a reason for her fixation on this man.

"Yes all three worked for Wayne investments. Good, decent, educated."

So thats why he is talking about them.  All about the money, Wayne huh? I run my fingers through my hair, getting nervous.

"Although I didnt know any of them personally, like all Wayne employees, past and present. They`re family."

There he said it. He didnt even knew them. He`s just using them to make it seem like he cares.

The tv screen shows three photos. Each one of them a face of the subway guys. It feels strange to see them now after I killed them. My memory of their faces slightly differ but I remember what they did and how it felt.  My mind is racing, all over the place. Memories of their evil laughter. Flashbacks of the pain they caused me. Physically and emotionally. Their photos might look innocent but I know what kinda guys they were. I experienced and wittnessed it. But what does Wayne know? Or the tv guy? Nothing. No one was watching them while they almost kicked me to death. I was alone. I`m always alone.

"Did you hear that I told you we`re family" my mum says.

"Shhhh shhh shhh!" I want her to shut up. I just cant stand her voice right now. Especially not now. She really does think Thomas thinks of us as family because she worked for him decades ago. I can`t listen to this. Its getting all too much. The only voice I have to listen to right now is the guy on tv. I take a deep drag of my cigarette. It feels like breathing is getting harder. Something is going on. Not just inside of me but in this city. In the world. And it started with me. Am I the center of something? The beginning or the end? Am I everything at once? Does someone notice its me?

"There now seems to b a groundsweel of ani rich sentiment of the city. Its almost as if the less fortunate resitends are talking the side of the killer".

Thomas talks about how much of a shame this is and that this is one of the reasons why he is running for major. Gotham lost its way.

Oh you notice now? Where have you been all these years?

Its hard. So hard to watch peoples ignorance and how they use things to make themself stand in a better light. A light of lies.

They now ask him whats up with the eye wittness report of the suspect being a man in a clown mask.

Now the walls are closing in on me. I`m terrified but at the same time I am not. Unsure of how I feel I smoke my cig, not being able to blink while starring at the tv screen. This moment feels so much more like a daydream than so many dreams did. Is this truly happening? Are they really taling about a murder a did on the news? Is this my first time ever being on tv? Well, I gotta be honest here I always thought my first time on tv would be a lot different. But here I am.

So seems like there was someone wittnessing it. I should be worried now. I should freak and I know that. But what is bugging me much more is the fact that Thomas Wayne says "It makes total sense to me, because what kind of coward would do something that cold blooded? Someone who hides behind a mask. Someone who is envious of tose more fortunate than themselves. That the`re too scared to show they`re own face."

Thats it. Thats when I lose it. I`m trying not to let it show because of mum sitting in the same room with me but it`s hard. I`m good at hiding my feelings in front of her or in front of anyone in general but this is too much. The news are making a total different  story out of this, As if I was hiding behind a mask to go out an kill people. It was self defense for gods sake. I was wearing that damn clown make up because I was on my way home from work. Some shitty bullies started to attack a man in a clwon costume and now they are making him the bad guy? This is sick.

I never cared about money. I just wanted to have enough to take care of mum and be able to pay rent. Even my dreams about being famous were never about being rich. It was about being seen and loved.  But what do they know?

I thought I was living an illusion but they are living their very own illusions.

I feel my body tensing up. Every muscle. Every inch. My skin is getting tight. I lean back on the couch. I dont know what to do. I wanna get out of myself. Being me is getting unbearable again.

Another time being missunderstood.

They dont even know it was me and they still don`t get it right,

"And until those kind of people change for the better,those of us who made something of our lifes, will always look at those who havent as nothing but clowns". Wayne adds.

My legs start trembling. There is no way to hold them still. Bad sign. Very bad sign. I laugh to myself as I stare at the ceiling. What a joke. Great punshline with the clowns. I bet you are proud of yourself, Wayne. I bet you are. Always glad to be able to help to tell a joke.

They thank him once again while my mum tells me that this isnt funny.

I wanna say something but I better don`t. It`s not a good idea to ruin someone else`s punchline.

I`m going to explode, explode, explode.

Until I feel nothing.

I inhale the smoke, the only thing that proofs that I am still breathing.

Because I cant feel it. The only thing I feel is rage and my left hand grabbing my right wrist.

And this god damn candle that looks like a ginger cat staring at me.

@impulsiveclown @will-you-be-there @jokerownsmysoul @missjoker96 @arthurskitten @lynnesm @nonnymousse @gwynplaine89 @ajokeformur-ray@damnrightobsessedwithim @sgtsavoytruffle  @duhliriouss  @flowerglitterwoman @thirstforfleck @spookyhome @iartsometimes  @you-cant-cry-in-here @bustafatclownnut @jokerismyhubbie  @check-out-this-joker @darknessisafriend  @arthurhappyclown    @neon-umbrella-for-stella   @call-me-harley-quinn  @arthurjokersgirl  @raven-romanoff @ajokeformur-ray​ @ivedescoveredheathsjoker​

@aarthurfleckk @mylovelycrazyworld @clownalog @ajokerfangirl  @the-one-who-is-chaos @sabrinaeileensnape

[missjackil]

My 15x17 Opinion

Unity

Wow! This one was a rollar coaster ride! I’ve seen positive and negative responses from y’all but I’ll say, though it had its flaws, I thought it was basically what I watch the show for. Tension drama, emotion, twists and turns and all that good stuff! 

We start off that Sam is still angry with Dean and giving him the silent treatment. A typical Winchester argument occurs but comes to a painful halt when Sam says, concerning Jack “We dont give up on family!!” and Dean returns fire with “Jack’s not family!!” OMG I could HEAR Sam’s heart shatter! Dean isn’t wrong in his follow up though, they both care for Jack a lot (Sam evidenty moreso) but he’s not family at their level, or even Cas’s level for that matter. This isn’t anything we shouldn’t aready know. Michael!Dean even pointed this out in s14. 

I don’t think this means Dean doesn’t love or care about Jack at all. In fact Im sure he does even if he still holds a grudge, but he’s not on Sam level, no one is... nor is he on Mom, Dad, Bobby or Cas level, but maybe Rowena level? Id say somewhere between Rowena level and Kevin level.

Sam loves Jack and apparently thinks of him as his son, though he never says it. He has said “He’s our kid!” but never said Jack is like a son to him. Im not going to go too meta on this, but  I kinda think Dean’s line of thought is “Well Sam and I both have died to save the world, why can’t Jack?” and Sam is thinking “Enough of this damn dying to save the freakin world!” but thats my opinion :) 

Of course Jack overhears which also hurt and he asks Sam if hes mad at him. Sam weighs his words so well to make sure Jack knows Sam understands and appreciates the mission, but he thinks its wrong.

I have mixed opinions of the Amara and Chuck portions. I think Amara was great! I really like her, but I was distracted by an OTT Chuck that I really didnt like. Not just on a bad guy level but the childishness was much more like a bad impression of Lucifer than any Chuck we’ve seen. Im still hoping beyond hope that Chuck gets redeemed some way though I think its not very likely. But it aint over till its over and SPN has surprized me a million times before.

Adam and Serafina were annoying. I thought it also very weird that Dean thought the woman must be Eve when he killed Eve in S6. Guess they forgot s6, but thats ok, I try to forget it too!

So Jack becoming a bomb is the only way to defeat Chuck. Im gad to hear Sam call Dean out on his “Its the only way” attitude. I flash back so Sacrifice in s8 when Sam was going to martyr himsef ... again... and when Dean found out Sam would die, all of a sudden, this isnt the only way!! “We have enough information to turn the tides here... think about what we know....” to show Sam that they do have options, and yet, when it doesnt have to do with Sam’s life, Dean becomes somewhat of a defeatist. (its ok Dean... I know theres a “Samception” to every rule 😉🤜🤛)

Meanwhile Sam and Cas figure out how to get to Billies Library. Im kinda sad they keep using Meg as The Empty, Im so down for Megstiel, I wish theyd go that route instead.  Anyway, she confirms that Billie needs him so maybe if she starts kiling him, Billie will come. Sam lies his way out of that and tricks her into giving him God’s book. Now we have that and Im curious as to why Billie and/or Chuck need Sam. I still think for Sam to die, Dean needs to kill him and this is why Chuck manipulated Dean to pull a gun on him, which goes well with OG Death needing Dean to kill Sam, or “Ill do it for you” and OGs Death’s eagerness to reap him. This is intriguing, and I cant even meta on it, because I have no clue LOL

So we have this crazy physical fight between Sam and Dean which leads us to Sam’s touching speech. “What about me? Would you trade me?” The line that of course, stops Dean in his tracks. I THINK that if Billie resets everything that Sam stays dead from s2? Or maybe just since she has been Death and Sam would stay dead when he got vamped in the AU? Im not sure, but Sam didnt seem to mean that Dad would have stayed dead from before Mom made her demon deal, or that would just mean neither would exist.

Sam tells Dean that he’s always protected him, from Dad, from Lucifer etc... and I see a lot of controversey on Tumblr about this statement as an attack on John. I don’t really think so, though no matter how much of a John fan you are, the show never paints him as an ideal father. Its not “these new writers” its every writer since the Pilot. Since season 1 John has been depicted as an obsessed man who raised them to be hunters, left them alone as children for days/weeks at a time and had anger and drinking issues, all while showing that he loves his boys, wants them to be safe and ultimately only wanted what was best. I dont see the show ever depicting him as physically abusive, so its not hard to imagine that Dean would have stepped into a verbal argument between Sam and Dad to distract Dad before it got messy like we saw him do a couple times in S1. 

So Sam goes on saying he didnt always like “it” either being protected or the form of protection used, but regardless, its the only thing he could rely on, and the ony thing he knew was true. And in this moment while Dean still wants to kill Chuck, Dean probably believes its whats best for Sam too, to get off the wheel so to speak, but if Billie wins, would he no longer have Sam?? YIKES!! Winchester tears all round! And ya know, I actually like that Sam just said “put down the gun” instead of like “believe in us too” something about it made it feel more critical. Like Dean had lost his shit and Sam knew it. Dean could cry and hug him and tell him he loves him more than life, but Sam is still in danger of Chuck manipulating Dean into killing him, untill Dean puts down the gun.

Meanwhile Chuck talks Amara into becoming part of him again, to be one. This also gave me feels. But now here comes a super pissed off, super charged Chuck who has had it with these boys. “After everything, you still do this!!” and now they get to watch Jack die.... maybe.. to be continued. 

So yeah I reallly liked this episode despite the annoying issues. Definitey on my “watch again” list!

So on a scale from Bloodlines to Lebabon I give Unity a 8.5. Thanks guys I needed that!

[tillman]

Pls infodump about lancelot from what i observe almost everyone hates him? (Ok its understandable bec of his affair with queen) im curious why do you like lancelot? And i remember a few days ago you post that there so many things you want to talk about him? And i want to see you rant/gush about his character, relationships, mental illness, his flaws etc ans also what is the difference between fate lancelot and lancelot in the legends? I want to know more about him he is complicated

OK its not that everyone hates him its that people hate what he stands for. the french side of arthurian lit is VERY focused on making lancelot seem like the greatest knight in the entire world because…. wow… hes french. and french people suck. stop normalizing the french. i like lancelot because of what he COULD stand for. theres a lot of things that could be delved into more (his mental illnesses, his communication issues, his inability to comprehend love, the struggle with being unholy or wrong, ect) but no one ever does. so i stole him hes mine now fuck the french they did him dirty.

uhm ok this is under a cut for talks of kinda heavy topics (lots of mental health talk, lots of abuse talk) and also cus its long. sorry i have a lot to say about him) 

i like lancelot a lot cus i see myself a lot in him. mostly in his mental health and how he ends up dealing with situations. his struggle with violent mood swings and his huge burden of being labeled as a sinner or whatever for a relationship he admits to feeling trapped in is…. relateable… comforting to see in a fictional character i guess. as flawed as he is hes still heralded as a good person. hes still loved by his friends and his family. and thats nice.. i like it. 

uhm for his mental health the main thing that comes out is his struggles with trauma, awful depression, and also just the fact he dissociates a lot. in knight of the cart he is so out of it he doesnt realize a knight is attacking him until hes thrown into the water in which he reacts violently and freaks the fuck out, trying to rip the guy off his horse. he like. physically can not handle extreme emotions and will either fall asleep so he doesnt have to face it (le morte says this is a known quality of him, he does this enough dinadan expects it as soon as he gets mad) or he swings so hard he has an extreme bout of depression (in the vulgate when trying to comprehend his relationship with guenevere and galehaut he just shuts down and spends all his time sleeping or staring at the river) or awful mania (see: the many times guenevere freaks out at him and he gets so upset he jumps out a window and lives in the woods). Lancelot has a lot of unworked out trauma from being r*** twice by the same woman who continues to use him and freak him out so much he cant find camelot safe (triggering another huge spike where he runs off into the woods) or the literal entire end of the legends where he has to deal with the trauma of while having one of his dissociative episodes in combat he accidentally kills gareth, someone he loves and adores like a brother or son and gets so upset he just accepts everything happening and hides in joyous gard, where his cousins have to BEG him to go and defend his honor from gawain whos basically knocking on his door pleading with lancelot to kill him. 

lancelots inability to understand a lot of social nuances is also really interesting but like, ultimately leads to a lot of strife for him most namely galehauts death and gueneveres constant abuse. The thing is Lancelot basically idolizes guenevere and this is where a lot of the abuse and weird shit comes from in their relationship. lancelot was a very young knight who honestly didnt understand anything about BEING a knight when he came to court. the queen knighted him and him, being young and not understanding, took this as “i am her knight! i will do anything for her!” and guenevere just kinda ran with this? i dont rlly wanna go too into it ill do that later when i get farther in the vulgate and can talk more on it but it leads to lancelot being trapped in a relationship he admit hurts him, but the small sliver of love guenevere gives him when she needs him is enough to keep him in because his mindset is still “im her knight! this is what a knight should do for his lady!” Galehaut is a different situation where his blindness to social cues and other shit leads to a lot of drama and hellish shit and when he finally snaps and realizes “oh. oh no this is what love should be” its too late and galehaut is dead and lancelot isnt much better. his own mother has to come and convince him not to literally kill himself over this and sends him into a spiral of depression where he doesnt leave the joyous gard for months. when he does and when he comes back to court, no one really … cares? that galehaut is dead. and this is lancelots first experience with actual love and his first experience with the death of someone close to him. which is an awful double whammy to have to experience. he does have good friends like gawain and dinadan and tristan and his relationship with galahad is good but they all end up dead or turned against him by something thats he did and its just. god its so sad to watch. the only people lancelot is left with in the end are his cousins, and even at the end of all of that hes left alone with the corpses of people he thought he loved. 

like hes a very flawed man. lancelot is a problem causer and not a problem solver. he doesnt try to he really doesnt, he strives to be the perfect knight mostly for some sliver of appreciation from someone he idolizes he never really ends up getting. he doesnt know how to cope, and ends up making things worse when he inevitably ends up screwing shit up because of this. hes called a sinner and unholy by god, and while he is very proud of his son for what he ends up achieving, has to deal with the trauma of the grail quest alone. he ends up killing someone he loves, and who genuinely respected and cared for him like a brother in a fit of him not being able to deal with heavy emotions. like he truly is in the wrong in most situations but like. in such a pitiable way. hes a good person, but lets his flaws overtake him a lot and pushes away the people who want the best for him. its like…. sad. 

(about to talk about fate u can drop off now if u just wanted to read my arthurian lit opinions :-) )

i could go off about fate lancelot and all the problems i have with him for hours but i think the main thing i wanna talk about rn is how they handle his internalization of his life and then just did nothing with it. his wish for the grail is just to be told he was wrong. thats so fucking GOOD!! in life he was heralded as the best knight like of course his one regret was that no one ever stopped him and went “you are wrong. this is wrong. you are doing the wrong thing.” and that being all he wants out of the thing that can grant any wishes is soooooo soo cool and neat. and then they just reduced his personality to “oh boo hoo im so sad im going to fuck a married woman now” like. the fucking dissonance. like lancelot isnt the type for random flings. tristan sure i understand that a bit hes unhinged and hard to characterize and .. honestly does just go around fucking married woman. weirdo. but lancelots entire struggle is over his relationship with guenevere being both wrong morally and literally abusive! i jsut dont get it i dont understand how they built up something so interesting with zero and threw it all out the window it makes me so mad. i dont even wanna talk about fate lancelot anymore rn its giving me a headache cus im so mad. 

[starrystarrybabe]

Oh, How the Mighty Fall [In Love] CHAPTER SIX (Ben Hardy x OC)

CHAPTER ONE, CHAPTER TWO, CHAPTER THREE, CHAPTER FOUR, CHAPTER FIVE

Lily Anne Mercury is brought in to help with Bohemian Rhapsody at the request of her Uncle Bri and Uncle Rog, and along the way, she might meet someone to share her life with. The only problem with this is that while their friends and the world can see that they’re perfect for each other, they’re going to be fully blind to this for a while.

DISCLAIMER: I’m fully aware that it would’ve been physically impossible for Jim and Freddie to have a child even with this method during the time they were alive, but the idea of Freddie as a dad and the idea of how his child would turn out to be was just too sweet for me to not write.

Hello, everyone! I’m currently writing this to make sure I don’t have a panic attack thinking about all the schoolwork I have to do. It’s finals season and a bitch is stressed. My brain needs a break from all the work I’ve been doing. I hope y’all enjoy this chapter and plz send me messages about the fic or feel free to submit content you want to make regarding the fic and the characters in it!

-- casey

TRIGGERS: implied sex, familial judgment, relapsing, cursing

FACECLAIMS:

Kelly Gale as Lily Anne Mercury

Sira P. Kante as Ezichi Adebayo

Erika Linder as Bronwyn Ryan-Hughes

Bree Kish as Madigan Ryan-Hughes

Lily Anne is a very work-oriented woman. She’s always bound and determined not to waste a single minute, and tries to do as much as she can in one day as humanly possible.

For this reason, she made a recording studio both underneath Garden Lodge and learned how to sound mix and use music making technology for herself, because she does not want to depend on someone else to create the songs for herself and her band.

It is a tradition for everyone in Room 301 to basically move in during the recording time. They’ve done it for years now, and it maximizes efficiency and the amount of content they can produce.

Ezichi is an early riser and often wakes up before the rest of the band, cooking them breakfast and making them tea. She even takes requests from the rest of the band as to what they want to eat and will take out Reykja for a walk before she goes out to pick up the ingredients.

Naturally, Lily Anne is confused by Reykja’s insistent paws pushing her cheek at the crack of dawn instead of Ezichi’s. She even leaves the bedroom door open so that the puppy can jump up on the bed and wake her. When Lily Anne walks out of her room with her tiny dog, she’s confused by the closed door, but figures that maybe Ezichi was worn out and just needed her sleep. It’s understandable that she would get tired of waking up so early.

When Bron and Madi come downstairs two hours later expecting breakfast made by their favorite guitarist and find that the food has been prepared by their frontwoman instead, something is clearly not right.

Lily Anne knocks on Ezichi’s door. “Ezichi? Are you alright?”

She hears the rustling of sheets and a grumble in response.

Lily frowns. “Do you need Advil or something?”

She then hears quieted voices and leans in to try and hear what is being said, and raises a brow when she catches fragments of cursing.

Ezichi clears her throat and speaks up. “N-no, but I could use a cup of tea. My voice feels a little raw.”

Lily presses her lips together before looking down at the cup in her hand. She takes her tea the same way as Ezichi, with soy milk and one sugar packet, and figures that Ezichi could use the cup more than her. “I have a cup right here, I’ll just bring it inside.”

She turns the handle and before Ezichi can protest, enters the room.

A bra falls on her head from the doorway above her, and she takes it off, looking over to see Ezichi with the rumpled covers held up to her chest and her braids out of their usual bonnet, in a mussed up bun. Her underwear is in front of Lily Anne’s slippered feet, and next to her is Gwil, looking away with a beet red face.

He looks at Lily Anne and nods, acknowledging her presence.

Lily Anne nods, back, face neutral. “Hey, Gwil.”

“Hi, Lily,” he replies quietly.

Lily purses her lips and puts the teacup on Ezichi’s bedside table, looking at her friend and giving her a tight-lipped smile.

“Sorry, Lily. I should’ve told you, but you were beyond angry at one of Bron’s song ideas, and I figured--” she begins apologetically, before getting cut off by Lily Anne’s dismissive wave.

“It’s alright, darling. We’re all adults here.” She turns to leave the room and pauses in the doorway. “Anything you two want? Tea? Food? Plan B?”

Gwil speaks up, smiling bashfully at Lily Anne. “Earl Grey tea with one packet of sugar would be just fine.”

Lily Anne nods, leaning against the doorway. “Anything else?”

Ezichi looks down, rubbing the back of her neck with the hand not holding up her covers. “Scrambled eggs and a Plan B, please.”

Lily nods, turning to go downstairs. “Got it. It’ll all be downstairs when you’re ready. I’ll just… close this.” She closes the door and heads downstairs to the kitchen, sitting down and resting her chin in her hand.

Madigan looks over at Lily. “Is she alright?”

Lily nods. “Her and Gwil should be down shortly.”

Bron snorts into her cup of tea, grinning. “I told you that we weren’t the only ones shagging, Mads.”

Lily makes herself another cup of tea to distract herself from the sudden urge to light a cigarette. “You’re washing the sheets, not me, alright?”

Bron smirks at her wife. “They could handle a little more liquid before they need to go in the wash.”

Madigan winks at her wife, and Lily Anne’s face squints up in disgust. “Jesus, Bron! I know it’s happening but I don’t need that much detail.”

The pair giggles and Lily Anne shakes her head. She’d kill for a cigarette right now.

---

Lily Anne throws down her headphones, rubbing her temples as she listens to the track of her singing. She’s tried to make this line sound perfect twenty times already, but it just isn’t coming out right, and she’s at the end of her rope.

“It sounds great, Lily! Can we just move on?” Bron asks from her reclined position on the couch, her head in her wife’s lap.

Lily shakes her head, turning around to face her. “No! It sounds like garbage, Bron. It’s not right yet. How do you not notice it?”

Ezichi and Madi look at each other, and Ezichi speaks up. “It’s good, Lily. I don’t see why you’re so upset about it.”

Lily Anne wrings her hands, groaning and covering her face.

Madigan stands up, placing a hand on Lily’s shoulder. “Why don’t we move on to another song, Lily? What about that one you just wrote?”

Lily looks up at her friend. “Which one?”

Madi smiles. “The one you named Waiting Room.”

Lily groans. “I can’t do that right now, or I swear to god I might cry.”

Ezichi shrugs. “That track could be really good, though! You’re in the right mood to sing it.”

Bron sits up. “Who knows? You could have a voice crack like in Gimme Shelter!”

Lily sighs, rubbing her eyes. “I guess… I’m just in a mood today. I’m so sorry that you have to deal with me like this, darlings.”

Ezichi hugs her friend from behind, resting her chin on the shorter woman’s shoulder. “It’s no problem, Lily. We put up with it because we love you unconditionally.”

Just then, Lily gets a text, and pulls out her phone.

Jamal (#1 cousin): are you coming to the reunion today? a bunch of cousins from Zanzibar are coming over to visit.

Jamal is her cousin, and one of her favorite members of her biological family. Lily frowns at the text. She didn’t get any notification that her family was getting together today before now.

Lily Anne: i didnt know this was happening. your mom didn’t say anything about it to me when we spoke last.

Jamal (#1 cousin): they made plans for this literally a week ago. she probably got stressed and forgot to tell you.

Lily Anne: got it. what time is this happening? i should probably do it just to get a break from recording. it’s been a rough day in the studio and nothing good is coming out from me.

Lily Anne looks to her bandmates. “Apparently there’s a family reunion today of my Indian relatives. I should probably go, I haven’t seen them in a while.”

Ezichi removes herself from Lily Anne and raises a brow. “Are you sure? The last time you saw all those people was at your grandmother’s funeral, and that went less than well.”

Lily Anne nods, closing her eyes. “I know, I know… but I’m not doing myself any good wasting time here, and maybe they’ve chosen to be a little less judgemental since Auntie Kash told them off then.”

Madigan sighs, looking over at Lily. “I don’t think going will do you any good, but I’m sure Kashmira and Jamal will appreciate you being there. I know Jer would appreciate it as well.”

Lily nods, smiling. “She always did like seeing me at family events.”

Her phone buzzes again.

Jamal (#1 cousin): it’s in three hours. If you’d like to come early, im sure mom would be happy to help you with your sari and catch up with you. i know i’d love to have some time with you as well before all hell breaks loose.

Lily Anne: got it. I’ll pack up my stuff and be over in a little bit.

Jamal (#1 cousin): great! i’ll tell my mom.

Lily stands up, sighing. “I’m going to the reunion. If you guys want to make music, feel free to record whatever you want, but I am going to take a shower and head on over to my Auntie Kash’s house as soon as possible.”

Ezichi, Bron, and Madi nod, smiling at their friend.

“We’ll record some of the backing tracks and drum lines today. Have fun!” Madi says, smiling.

Lily smiles back at her and leaves the room, pausing at the top of the stairs as she hears her bandmates talking.

“She’s in a mood because she didn’t come last night like the rest of us,” Bronwyn says.

Lily Anne frowns and shouts downstairs. “You’re an absolute wanker, Bron!”

“At least I’m not a sexually frustrated one!” Bron shouts back up at her.

Lily Anne stomps away, slamming the door with a huff.

She really wants a cigarette.

---

When she gets to Kashmira’s house, she knocks on the door, holding a bag with her sari inside of it. Her cousin Jamal opens the door and grins, hugging her. She gladly hugs him back.

“You’ve been a stranger as of late,” Jamal says when they pull apart. He points to her arm. “Is that a new tattoo?”

Lily Anne nods, smiling. “It is! I got it in New York after performing at Madison Square Garden, in memory of Jim and Freddie. It’s a tree-mallow and a zinnia.”

Jamal smiles, admiring the tattoo. “I like it. Were those their favorite flowers?”

Lily Anne nods, smiling. “Yep. Tree-mallow was Jim’s, and zinnias were Freddie’s.”

1994

Lily Anne sits in the dirt with a large sunhat on, making a small hole in the ground as her father coaches her through how to do it.

“Now what we do is we-- no, we don’t put a worm in the pocket of our overalls, put him back in the hole-- we put in the seeds,” Jim says, placing five zinnia seeds into Lily’s open palm as he takes the squirming creature and puts it in the dirt. “Drop them in, love.”

Lily Anne does as she’s told, and looks up at her father with big brown eyes. “What next, Daddy?”

Jim smiles and points to the pile of dirt next to the hole. “Take the dirt and cover the seeds, and pat it all in.”

Lily Anne nods and takes handfuls of dirt in her tiny hands, putting it back in the hole and using one hand to pat in the dirt gently. Then, Jim leans down and waters the dirt, and Lily Anne giggles, putting her hands out to turn the dirt on her fingers into mud. She does this and laughs, rubbing her hands together and clapping, splattering her face and overalls with specks of mud. She then looks up at her father, eyes wide.

“Whoops,” she says, lisping on the ‘s’. “Sorry, Daddy. I ruined my overalls.”

Jim smiles, shaking his head. “Don’t worry, flower. Gardening is all about getting messy. We can wash the overalls.”

Jim would call his daughter flower, since she was not only named after one, but Freddie loved watching Jim plant different kinds of flowers and take care of them. They named her Lily because that was the first flower Jim ever planted at Garden Lodge. It seemed only fitting to call this lovely little girl flower.

Lily Anne smiles wide, and puts some dirt on her cheeks, giggling. She loves getting messy, and this is one activity where she won’t get scolded for getting her clothes dirty. She’ll take advantage of the opportunity to go wild in the dirt if her dad allows it.

Jim laughs, holding her wrists. “Not that messy, flower! Let’s get you cleaned up, alright?”

Lily Anne giggles, and hugs her father as he picks her up, bringing her inside.

---

“Daddy?” Lily Anne asks, abandoning her rubber ducky to face her father.

“What is it, flower?” Jim asks, putting shampoo in his hands to wash her hair. He gestures for her to turn around, and she does.

“What kinda flower did we plant today?” she asks, facing the mirrored wall. She can see her father’s face become soft, and a smile graces his lips.

“We planted a zinnia flower, love,” he tells her as he begins lathering up her hair.

“Is that the yellow one you always grow?” she asks, smiling.

Jim nods, and uses cups of water to wash out the suds in her hair. “Yes, it is. You’re very smart, flower.”

Lily Anne grins, revealing a smile with teeth that are beginning to grow in every direction.

Jim looks at the photo of Freddie he has on the toilet seat beside him before looking down at his daughter. “Do you know why we plant zinnia flowers, Lily?”

Lily purses her lips, her little face scrunching up in concentration. After a few moments, she shakes her head. “No, Daddy. Did you tell me why already?”

Jim thinks for a moment before shaking his own head. “No, I don’t think I have, flower.” He washes his hands in the bath water before grabbing her conditioner. “We plant zinnias because they were your Papa’s favorite flower.”

Lily Anne turns, grinning. “Really?”

Jim smiles and nods, beginning to lather up her hair again. “Yes, Lily.”

Lily smiles, and becomes quiet after a moment, resting her chin on her knees. Her facial expression changes to one of deep thought, and she blinks, looking down. Jim becomes concerned and once he’s done washing out the conditioner in her hair, gently takes one of her cheeks in his hand and turns her to face him.

“What is it, flower? You’re thinking very loudly,” he asks, sitting cross-legged on the fuzzy bath mat to be eye level with her.

“Did Papa see me plant that flower?” she asks.

Jim takes a moment to think and smiles gently at his daughter. “I think he did.”

Her eyes light up, and she moves quickly, splashing Jim in the process. Her chin rests on the edge of the tub. “Did I make him happy?”

Jim nods, holding out a towel for his daughter. “You always make him happy, flower.”

She climbs out of the tub and lets her father wrap the warm towel around her, giggling when he begins to dry her hair. “No matter how old and wrinkly I get, I’ll still make him happy?”

Jim nods, wrapping a towel around her hair. “You will always make him happy, Lily Anne.”

Lily looks up at her father. “Will I always make you happy, Daddy?”

Jim kisses her cheek. “Of course, flower. You could never disappoint me.”

Lily smiles as her Aunt Kashmira helps her with her sari, pleating the black fabric around her waist. She’s been catching up with her aunt and holds back a giggle as the older woman’s hands touch her sensitive waist.

Kashmira smiles, looking at her niece fondly. “You’re almost thirty years old and you’re still as ticklish as you were when you were a child.”

Lily Anne grins and allows her aunt to place the fabric over her shoulder, smoothing it out. “I’m almost thirty years old and I still can’t put on my own bloody sari.”

Kashmira shrugs and hands Lily Anne some heavy gold bracelets to put on her wrists. “Saris can be difficult. Especially this one. Your grandmother always did like the more delicate garments.”

Lily Anne nods, and looks in the mirror, admiring herself in Jer’s sari. “Didn’t my Papa help her pick out this one?”

Kashmira nods, smiling fondly. “That he did. She thought that the black with the gold and red would be too much, but Freddie told her that it would help her fit in at his concerts.”

Lily puts on some of Jer’s old earrings, and the gold ornaments dangle heavily on her lowest piercings, causing her to wince. “I always forget how bloody heavy these damn earrings are.”

Kashmira passes a large nose ring to Lily and smiles. “Here’s the final touch to your outfit, dear.”

Lily groans, but puts in the nose ring anyways, looking at herself in the mirror. “Auntie Kash, you’ve made me look like a proper Indian woman.”

Kashmira nods. “I may have gone overboard, but with the whole family coming….” She looks down, concerned. “They’ll still judge you, but at least you’re dressed like you just got off the plane from Zanzibar.”

Lily sighs, looking over at her aunt and holding her hands. “I appreciate you making me look the part, but between the two fathers, my unorthodox career choice, and the fact that I’m only half Indian, one outfit won’t make me any less of the family disappointment. But your efforts are appreciated.”

Kashmira looks tiredly at Lily, squeezing her hands. “I just want a calm family reunion without any drama.”

Lily squeezes her aunt’s hands back and smiles apologetically. “It won’t go down that way and we all know it, Auntie Kash.”

Kashmira nods before groaning, shaking her head. “Oh, shit.”

Lily frowns. “What is it?”

Kash sighs, rubbing her temples. “They have a new reason to throw a fit.”

Lily looks down, pursing her lips before her eyes widen in fear. “Oh, no. Is Jamal dating a non-Indian girl?”

Kashmira shakes her head. “No. But the tabloids have caught wind that you’re dating a non-Indian boy.”

Lily rolls her eyes, groaning. “First of all, the tabloids are full of bollocks. I’m not dating anyone at the moment.”

Kash raises a brow and crosses her arms. “Then what is your relationship with that Hardy boy? Because it looks pretty romantically charged to me.”

Lily sits on her aunt’s bed. “We’re just friends, Auntie Kash. No more, no less.”

Kashmira looks at her niece skeptically. “I heard that you two are trying to quit smoking together from Brian.”

Lily nods, looking up at the older woman. “That’s true! We are. So far, we haven’t broken, and it’s been a few months.”

Kash is quiet for a moment and sits down next to her niece. “I’ve also heard from Roger that when you weren’t on set, he was very much upset about it.”

Lily Anne scoffs. “Roger is full of bollocks and we all know it.”

Kashmira looks over at Lily. “The account was confirmed by Brian.”

Lily puts her head in her hands, groaning. “We’re just friends! That’s all! Friends who try to quit smoking together and spend hours in my garden talking about our issues, and walk our dogs together once or twice a week when we’re both around! That’s all we’ll ever be!” She looks up at Kashmira, hunched over.

Kashmira takes a moment before rubbing Lily Anne’s back. “That song you wrote--”

“Was about him. Yes. I wasn’t exactly subtle, and he still hasn’t made a move. Joe told me that he’s in love with me, but until I hear it from him, I will not get my hopes up.” Lily Anne huffs, shaking her head.

“Have you ever considered making the first move?” Kash asks gently.

Lily Anne looks at her aunt like she’s crazy. “And risk getting my heart broken? Hell fucking no! I’ve been there, done that, and I hated it. I give it a zero out of ten.”

Kash sighs, looking down at her niece. “Listen. I don’t know this boy, but he seems very nice, and different from the other men you’ve dated before. I think he’s just scared.”

Lily Anne stands up, gesturing to herself. “I am an average twenty-nine-year-old, racially ambiguous woman with a meager height of five foot two. I sage my bloody house and garden daily like an old woman. I go to an animal shelter once a week to pet all the animals. What’s so scary about me?”

Kashmira looks up at her niece. “You are a stunning young woman with a voice gifted to you from the gods and a stage presence that is one of the most powerful of any artists in this time. You’ve been through hell and back and haven’t given up when most would. You project confidence and do things that most people only dream of. Yes, you garden and go to animal shelters and aren’t physically imposing, but that makes everything else you do even more impressive. You’re special, Lily.”

Lily rolls her eyes, “No--”

“Yes. You are. Most everyone can see it. He sees it, and he’s afraid that he makes a move, he might lose it. Think about this, Lily: if he asks you and you say yes, he gains the world. If he asks you and you reject him, he loses the world. Would you so easily gamble the world?” Kashmira puts her hands on Lily’s shoulders, forcing her to look at her.

“...no,” Lily replies quietly. “Aunt Kash, I would buy the whole bloody world for him. He deserves it. But I thought the same thing about Frank, and look how that ended.”

Kashmira sighs, smiling gently. “Ben is different. You know it in your heart that he is.”

Lily rests her head on her aunt’s shoulder and lets the woman hug her before she hears the doorbell ring. Kashmira pulls away and fixes Lily’s hair.

“Lily?”

“Hm?”

“At least consider making a move, alright?”

“Alright, Auntie Kash.”

---

Lily Anne greets her cousins, a fake smile plastered on her face. It’s hurting her cheeks to keep this up. She’s ignored two comments about her weight, three comments about a gray hair, and five comments about her tattoos so far. The key is to take the compliments about the sari and block out the backhanded aspects of them. The family is sat around a coffee table, and cups of tea are being handed out by Jamal and Kash.

“Lily Anne, how are you? I heard that your band is nominated for some awards this year?” one of Lily’s older family members asks, smiling at her.

“I’m good. Everything is going pretty well, and yes, we are probably going to be nominated for some awards. The album did very well,” she responds, smiling.

“I also heard that the album is about your upbringing. I certainly hope you mentioned your Zanzibarian roots in some of the music,” a cousin named Kira asks.

This one is particularly bothersome and has always rubbed it in Lily Anne’s face that she is the better Indian girl, and the family is more proud of her than Lily.

“Yes, Kira. It is. I have a whole song in our mother tongue, and if you listened to my album, you’d know that,” Lily says, eyes flashing in anger.

Kira lifts her nose, sipping her tea. “I don’t listen to rock and roll. No offense to you, Lily, but a genre of music that glorifies crude behavior and encourages… questionable life choices are not what I want to expose myself or my children to.”

Lily Anne is about to respond but feels Kash squeeze her shoulder. She sips her tea instead, quieting down as the conversation continues.

“Lily, do you ever wonder what your life would be like if you chose a less risky profession?” Kira’s mother asks, looking at Lily with concern.

“Do you ever wonder what your life would be like if you hadn’t married someone twice your age just to please your family?” Lily snaps back, sipping her tea.

One of her male cousins groans, rubbing his forehead. “Lily, we say this because we love you--”

“Bullshit!” Lily exclaims, putting down her cup. “The only ones in this family who truly love me are Kashmira, Jamal, and Jer.”

“Don’t curse in front of my children, Lily!” Kira exclaims, wrapping an arm around her little girl. “Don’t listen to her, my love. She’s just overreacting.”

Lily looks at the girl and puts down her teacup. “Darling, let me ask you a question.”

The little girl looks over and nods in approval. “What is it, Lily?”

“Answer me honestly, love. Do you want to grow up and be a housewife like your mother?”

The girl bites her lip before shaking her head. “No. I want to be a scientist, Lily.”

Lily nods. “Alright. If you get married, do you want to choose your husband or wife?”

The girl nods, and smiles. Her eyes light up. “Yes!”

“Alright! One more question, baby girl: do you want to express yourself with cool clothes and art?”

The girl bounces on the couch, grinning. “Yes! I want to have lots of overalls and sweaters and wear sparkly nail polish!”

Kira squeezes her daughter and the girl’s face falls. She leans back against the couch, quieting down. The tension is thick, and Kashmira clears her throat.

“There are some toys in the other room if you kids want to play with them. Go have fun, kids!” She says, watching as the children run off to play.

When the kids leave the room, one of Lily’s older cousins looks at her with a harsh glare. “That was ridiculous, Lily. You’re acting like a child.”

Lily scoffs, standing up. “At least I’m not acting like a wanker. Children are open-minded, and they love openly and have all these wonderful dreams, and wankers try to shut them down. So yes, I may be acting like a child, but children don’t reject people who need love and support just because of their sexuality or profession. Wankers, however, do just that.”

She moves to be in front of everyone, and spreads out her arms, gesturing to herself. “I am a person who despite all her flaws deserves support and love from a good family, and I have found a wonderful family in Roger and Brian, and my wonderful band members. So was Freddie. But because he wasn’t a perfect Indian boy, you left him out in the dust.”

“We care about tradition—“ Kira begins, glaring at her cousin.

“Fuck tradition!” Lily Anne exclaims with a barking laugh. “When has tradition ever been better than compassion and unconditional love? Jer, Bomi, and Kash bucked tradition, and they ended up being close with my Papa, who blessed them with his talents and generously provided for them if they needed it. All you greedy bastards expect me to help you out because I have money, and to do it because we’re related, but I am in no way obligated to help a group of wankers who have never done the same for me. So take your tradition and your judgment and shove it up your asses, because I won’t tolerate it anymore.” Lily Anne turns to Kash and Jamal, sighing. “I’m sorry. But I need to get away from these people before I give in to my desire to drink a gallon of bleach. I’m glad you thought of me, but I’m clearly not a valued member of this family.”

Kashmira nods, hugging her niece. “Thank you for giving it another go, at least.”

Lily smiles at her aunt. “I’ll meet up with you another time.”

Jamal hugs her and she grins, kissing his cheek. “Feel free to call me whenever, alright?”

Jamal nods, smiling. “Of course. I’ll let you know when I’m free to meet up.”

Lily nods, and as she leaves the room, she looks at the stunned Indians and hisses at them. “You make me proud to have the last name Mercury. I’d rather die than live as a Bulsara because of you all.”

The door slams behind her and she huffs, getting into her G-Wagon and letting out an anguished scream.

She wants a cigarette so fucking badly. She can’t take this anymore.

She then remembers that there’s a spare pack of Marlboros in her glove compartment and before the rational side of herself can act, she opens her glove compartment and takes out the pack and a lighter, fumbling with a cigarette and placing it between her lips.

As she lights it, she feels a wave of guilt and disappointment wash over her. She’s failed herself, and most of all, she’s failed Ben. She could throw up from guilt right now, but something about meeting with her family just put her over the edge.

She puffs on her cigarette and quickly inhales the entire thing before chucking the butt of the vile thing out the window and following that up with chucking out the whole box before speeding away.

She has to call Ben and face him, and she has to tell this to him to his face because she has fucked up so badly and he deserves nothing less than that. Parked in front of a random house in a suburb, she calls Ben with shaking hands, blinking back tears. He answers within five rings, and she’s faced with him on the phone screen, reclining on his couch with Frankie in his arms.

“Hi, Lil. How are you?” He asks, smiling. “I like the nose ring and the sari.”

She bites her lip, looking down and running a hand through her hair. “Th-Thanks. I wore it to a family event today.” Her voice cracks.

Ben frowns, and sits up, examining Lily Anne’s face. “I’m guessing that it didn’t go well?”

Lily Anne looks up, wiping her eyes. “Worse than it usually does.”

“Can you tell me what happened?”

Lily Anne sniffles, leaning back in the driver’s seat. “My nasty cousin Kira— she’s a real bitch, always has been-- and the rest of my extended family chose to openly judge me about my life choices and then claim that it’s only because they love me and are concerned for me, but that’s horseshit and I fucking know it.”

Ben nods, biting his lip. “So… I will admit that I don’t know much about your culture, but I can guess that it’s not very supportive of queer people, tattooed people, or entertainers.”

Lily Anne nods. “I got judged for all of the above. Throw in some more guilt tripping and you’ve got the whole picture of why I’m seen as a family disappointment.”

Ben sighs. “Jesus, Lily. I’m so sorry.”

Lily Anne begins to tear up, shaking her head. “I-I don’t know why I thought it would be different, but I just wanted to see if my family would finally accept me, but—“ she shakes her head, tears beginning to fall. “Nothing changed. It just got worse.”

Ben looks at her sympathetically and wants nothing more than to wrap her up in a hug and let her cry it out. “I’m so sorry, Lily. You deserve a better family than that, and you have so many people supporting you other than them. Their opinion doesn’t matter.”

Lily nods, her hands shaking. “I know. But something in me snapped, and-- and…” she begins sobbing. “I’m so sorry, Ben. I fucked up so badly. I broke my promise to you.”

Ben looks at Lily Anne through the screen with nothing but empathy in his eyes. She wipes tears from her own eyes, sniffling. “It’s alright, Lily. You’re only human.”

Lily wipes her eyes, shaking her head. “But I made a promise to you--”

“We both knew it was possible for one of us to break. Or for both of us to break. Addiction is hard, and sometimes we relapse. It’s alright, Lily. I’m not mad at you. I get why you did it.”

Lily Anne looks at Ben and sniffles, wiping her nose. “I just… I’m so upset. I cussed up a storm, caused a scene, relapsed, and to top it all off, I didn’t even get to eat everything I wanted to!”

Ben takes a hand through his hair and lets out a little laugh. “Today really hasn’t been your day, has it?”

Lily Anne laughs as well, wiping her eyes. “Yeah, it hasn’t.” She begins laughing after a moment, covering her mouth.

Ben smiles. “What’s so funny?”

Lily grins. “I’m so beyond sad and angry that I just have to laugh, and I can’t believe that I’m still so bloody upset about not having any food!”

Ben laughs as well, leaning back on his couch. “What food do you like?”

Lily smiles, wiping mascara from under her eyes. “There’s a place in London that I love called Indian Palace, and it has the best tikki masala, chicken korma, biryani, roti, and samosas that I can get without going to Kash’s house. At this point, they know my order by heart, and all I need to do is call and they know what to make.”

Ben nods, smiling. “I’ve never had most of those dishes before. I’d like to try them.”

Lily grins at him, snickering. “Most of it would be too spicy for your tastebuds, darling. Even mild would hurt you.”

Ben scoffs. “Listen, Mercury. I can handle some spice in my food.”

Lily shakes her head. “Not like Indian spices.”

They both take some time to compose themselves, and Lily Anne takes a deep breath.

“Do you feel better now?” Ben asks gently.

Lily nods, smiling. “Yes. Thank you for being so understanding and cheering me up, Ben. I appreciate it.”

Ben shrugs. “I know you’d do the same for me. If I can help you out in any way, I always will.”

Lily smiles, nodding. “The same goes for me. If you ever need anything, you know what number to call.”

Ben nods before frowning as Frankie barks. “Frankie, what’s going on? I’ll walk you in five minutes, girl.” He turns back to the camera apologetically. “I’m so sorry, Lily. Frankie is being impatient.”

Lily shrugs, smiling. “It’s alright. Go walk her and give her a treat for me. Thanks for talking with me, Ben.”

Ben smiles. “It’s no problem. I’ll see you soon, alright?”

Lily Anne nods and ends the call, sighing and leaning back in her car.

She listens to Leather and Lace on repeat until she gets home.

---

Ben walks into the little Indian restaurant the next day, and a hostess comes up to him, smiling.

“Welcome to Indian Palace! Are you waiting on anyone or would you like a table for one?” She asks, preparing to pick up a menu.

“Actually, I’d like to order something to go,” he says.

The hostess pulls out a notepad, smiling. “Of course! What would you like?”

He looks down at the notes on his phone. “I tried to remember everything she said she liked from here, but I can’t. She’s a regular customer here, though.”

The hostess nods. “What’s her name? I’m sure we know her usual order.”

“Lily Anne Mercury. She’s a friend of mine,” Ben says.

The hostess grins. “We love Lily! I know exactly what to get her, don’t you worry.” She begins writing down an order. “She’s the best, isn’t she?”

Ben nods. “She is. Also, she had a really bad day yesterday and didn’t get to eat any of her aunt’s Indian food, so if you could add what you feel she’d enjoy, I’d appreciate that greatly. I don’t care how much it is, as long as it makes her happy I’ll pay for it.”

The hostess nods and adds a few more items to the order. “Alright. Sit down and it should be ready in twenty minutes. It’s really nice that you’re doing this for her, and we’ll make her our top priority.”

Ben nods and sits in a booth, waiting for the food. The order is large and he doesn’t know what most of it is, but he doesn’t care. He trusts that the restaurant will take good care of Lily. All he has to do is be the deliverer of the food.

Twenty minutes later, the food is prepared and he carries the bags out to his car, driving off to pick up Frankie and go to Garden Lodge.

---

Lily Anne is penning the lyrics to a new song when her doorbell rings, and she gets up to look at the security footage. She sees a beagle and a tall blonde at the gate, and bags of what looks like take out. She opens the gate from inside, and opens her front door, leaning against the doorway in her sweats. She smiles as Frankie runs up to her and picks up the dog.

“What is all this, Ben?” She asks, scratching Frankie behind the ears.

Ben carries the bags inside the house with him and places them on the large kitchen island. “You said you wanted Indian food. I got you Indian food.”

Lily blinks, looking at the bags of food. “This is enough to feed a small village, Ben. What am I going to do with this much food?”

Ben smiles at her as she puts down Frankie. “I asked the hostess at Indian Palace what your usual order was, and told her that you had a bad day, so she should add whatever she felt would make you feel better. I don’t know what most of this stuff is, but it all smells great.”

Lily bites her lip, shaking her head. “All this must have cost you a small fortune, Ben! You didn’t have to do this for me.”

Ben shrugs. “I wanted to do it for you. Don’t worry about the money. It’s worth it if it makes you feel better.”

She smiles, and throws her arms around Ben, hugging him tightly. “I could cry right now I’m so happy.”

He hugs her back, grinning. “As long as you’re not crying from sadness I’m okay with tears.”

She looks up at him and grins, eyes bright. “You’re literally the best. You even brought Frankie to make me feel better.”

He shrugs again. “She always makes me feel better. I figured she would make you feel better too.”

After a moment Lily pulls away from the warm hug and begins to unpack the food. She squeals in delight when she takes out the tikki masala, jumping up and down. Reykja scratches at her pant leg and she looks down, shaking her head.

“We’ve discussed this before, darling. No spicy human food for you,” Lily says, looking down at the puppy.

Reykja whimpers and the woman sighs, ripping off a small piece of fresh roti and holding it down to the dog, who happily snatches it from her fingers.

“You’re a spoiled thing, aren’t you?” Lily looks up at Ben. “Can I give Frankie a small piece of roti? It won’t hurt her.”

Ben nods. “Sure thing. I’m sure she won’t mind.”

Lily gives the beagle a piece of the bread and the dog takes it before running off to play with her friend. Lily watches as the two bolt to the corner of her living room filled with toys. The dogs get along so well, and it makes Lily happy to see the two fur babies playing together.

Ben looks over the large spread of food, and raises a brow when Lily laughs at the sight of an orange drink.

“What’s so funny?”

Lily smiles at the drink. “This is mango lassi. It’s like a mango smoothie, but less thick. People who can’t handle spice need it to soothe their tongues.”

Ben rolls his eyes. “Very funny. I think I can handle eating some of this food without needing it.”

Lily raises her brows before snorting. “Sure thing, Ben. We’ll see what dish breaks you.”

---

“Holy shit. Lily, pass me the lassi,” Ben begs, his face flushed beet red. “My mouth is on fucking fire right now.” Lily laughs and passes Ben the drink. He got through at least five different kinds of chicken before he tapped out, which is actually pretty impressive. The curry can be quite spicy, and it certainly isn’t mild.

“You did pretty well for a white boy, Hardy. I expected the tikki masala to get you,” she comments, passing him the drink.

He drinks it desperately, and when he’s done panting, he wipes sweat from his forehead. 

“Fucking hell… that’s delicious, but holy shit-- dear God!” He takes another slurp as the spice comes back for a second round. “It fights back! What kind of food fights back?”

Lily Anne leans back, grinning. “Indian food. At least for more sensitive tastebuds. I’ve been eating this since I was a baby. I’m well-acquainted with spice.”

Ben leans back, catching his breath. “I see why you like this so much. It feels comforting when it’s not setting your mouth on fire.”

Lily laughs. “Yeah, it does. My Nanni Jer made the best curry, and this is pretty much exactly what it tasted like. Her’s was spicier, though.” Ben’s eyes widen and he shakes his head, causing Lily Anne to laugh. “You wouldn’t survive dinner at my Aunt Kash’s house, but it sure would be entertaining to see you try.”

Ben rolls his eyes, and looks over the different dishes that have been laid out over the coffee table. “I’m so glad you enjoy watching me suffer.”

Lily shrugs. “You gave a valiant effort, and that’s enough for me. I’m proud of you for trying everything. The rest of the food would definitely be too spicy for you, but I’ll be fed for a good long while.”

Ben gestures to the vast array of food. “Good. That’s less grocery shopping you have to do.”

Lily looks over the containers of takeout and shakes her head in disbelief. “I still can’t believe you did all this for me. What did I do to deserve this? I fucked up big time and this feels like a reward.”

Ben looks over at her seriously. “Progress isn’t strictly uphill. It can fluctuate. But it doesn’t matter how many times you relapse as long as you continue trying to quit. You need to be easier on yourself, Lil. Sometimes we need a little comfort in order to get back on our feet again.”

She looks at him tiredly and sighs. “I’m trying to be better to myself.”

Ben nods. “I know. But you’re struggling with that, and that’s why I’m here.” He reaches out and squeezes her hand.

She smiles, squeezing his hand back and closing her eyes. “Thank you, Ben.”

They fall into a comfortable silence, and both contemplate just how far they would go for one another to be happy.

TAGLIST: @andtheytoldustotellyouhello @plethora-of-things @borhap-socials @everybodyplaythegame @i-the-fangirl @deakydeakydeaky @shisterfackisback @samanthadegaro @lv7867 @fatbottomedcurls @redspecialty @haisimsim @peterparkeroos @teenwolflover28 @ixchel-9275 @alessandra-elle @onexlittlespark @queenficarchive @leah-halliwell92 @rrrogah-tayluhh @maddistudiess @queen-fam @evrsncnewyork @reddiefreddieee 

[larryssunflower]

TRR AU- Teachers (part two) Butterflies

Hey! I wrote a part one to this fic :) You should read it first lol

The lovely @simplyaiden-blog asked me to post my part two as soon as possible so here it is! Enjoy :)

Pairing- Drake X Mc (Elle Garden)

—-

After lunch I head back to the classroom, letting the kids file in. I go to my desk, pulling out my schedule. After lunch and recess, they have an hour of class then physical education after. With Drake. I inform the kids what project they are going to do and hand out papers and crayons, but Drake is still on my mind. I can still almost feel the pressure of his knee when he bumped it against mine.

As the kids are laughing and working on their projects, I go through some paperwork because I still haven’t solidified my school year plan. I suddenly jump when there’s a knock at my door, I look up at it opens, Drake walking in. “Hey, sorry to bother you, but it’s time for PE.” He says, and I bring my hand up to my forehead, laughing lightly. “Oh I’m sorry, I totally lost track of time,” I say embarrassedly, getting up and gathering my work.

“Kids! You guys need to go to PE now, just leave your work where it is, we will pick it up after.” I say, and they all get up excitedly, scrambling over to the door. “Single file!” I remind them and they get in line almost immediately. Drake grins at me before turning around and leading them outside. I follow the class.

I sit on the sidelines, still doing my paperwork as Drake plays soccer with the kids. I can’t help glancing up to look at Drake. He is laughing and shouting orders to the energetic kids as they run around in helpless circles around the field. I smile looking at them totally ignore Drake as they leave the ball to chase each other around. Drake glances up at me and grins, making me smile more as my stomach erupts in butterflies.

He still doesn’t give up, trying to get them into the game. I try to ignore the fact that his white shirt is starting to stick to him. And getting a bit transparent. Just ignore him, Elle, just do your work. I listen to myself for a while, actually just doing a good chunk of work. I decide to leave it there for the rest of the class, and look up, nearly having a heart attack. Drake is now shirtless, yelling (still grinning) at the kids to keep up with him as he does jumping jacks.

I’m dumbfounded for a whole minute as I watch him. He is much more fit then he lets on. I notice the trail of hair which goes down the waistband of his pants. I bite my lip and look away, my cheeks burning. Is he doing this on purpose? I mean the kids don’t care, did he do it intentionally? For me? No. No way. Right? I look back up and meet eyes with Drake who was already looking at me. He winks before stopping the jumping jacks and telling everyone to get water.

I’m disappointed as I realize that it’s over. I stand up, turn around, bending over to grab all my things. I stand up straight, my paperwork in my arms and turn, nearly running straight into Drake. Who is still shirtless. When will I get a break? “Oh. Hey.” I say breathlessly, looking up at him. Wow, we are very close. I can see small freckles along the bridge of his nose and flecks if lighter brown in his eyes. We are probably four inches apart. With anyone else, this would be uncomfortably close, but for some reason, it’s not with him.

I step back, clearing my throat. “You have great kids, Garden,” Drake says, making me smile proudly. “Yeah, they’re the best,” I say, looking over at them, laughing with each other as they drink water under a tree. I look back at Drake who has a strange look on his face as he looks at me. I’m about to say something but then he clears his throat, blushing momentarily. “So tonight, Maxwell, Hana, Liam and I are all going to a bar, do you want to come?” He asks, seeming almost nervous.

“Sounds fun,” I grin. Kiara isn’t on the list.. hehe. “Heh, it’ll be great.” He says. The kids run over, and I smile at them. “Had fun?” I ask, and I hear a chorus of ‘yeah!’. “Alright, time to get back to class, get in line!” I say, and they rush into line, wanting to be as close to the front as possible. I turn and see Drake putting on his shirt. He walks up to me. “Leaving already?” He teases. “Heh, thank you for distracting them for an hour. They love you.” I say, smiling. “No problem. Here, I’ll walk you to your classroom.” He says, grabbing his bag. “Okay.” I smile, and the kids lead the way.

“Are you leaving?” I ask Drake, looking at his bag. “Uh yeah, no more classes after yours. Which is good, I mean I actually think I got a decent workout.” He says, making me laugh. “It’s cool that you try hard with them. They really do love you,” I say, bumping against him playfully. He grins down at me shaking his head. “What?” I ask. “You are just- nothing.” He says, cutting himself off. Before I can push further, we reach my classroom. “I’ll see you later Garden.” He says, winking, walking away and out the front door. “Bye,” I say quietly, before heading back into the classroom.

—-

(Group chat with Maxwell, Hana, Liam, and Drake)

Drake- guys we need to go out tonight.

Maxwell-  why is that?

Drake- I invited Garden out. I said you would all be there too, we need to welcome her to the friend group.

Liam- Aw Drake, Are you being nice to the pretty new girl?

Drake- Ha ha. Hana was probably going to make us all hang out anyway. Why not now?

Hana- you aren’t wrong, I was already planning something :)

Maxwell- what about Kiara?

Drake- what about her?

Liam- why isn’t she invited?

Drake- I don’t know, I find her kind of annoying.

Hana- Drake! You know she has a huge crush on you!

Drake- She still isn’t over it? Can’t she take a hint? I mean she’s nice and all, but not my type.

Liam- yeah, your type is fourth-grade teachers from New York with green eyes, brown hair, and yellow dresses ;)

-Drake has left the group chat-

Maxwell- he couldn’t even deny it lol

—-

I’m getting a glass of water in my apartment when I hear knocking on my door. “One second!” I shout, walking over. I open it to reveal Hana standing there with a huge grin on her face. “Hey!” She says, walking right in. “Hey Han, what’s up?” I ask, closing the door. “I’m here to get ready with you, duh.” She says, walking into my bedroom. Alright then. I follow in, confused. “I was just going to wear this,” I say to my friend who is digging through my closet. She turns to me. “I think not.” She says, and she pulls out a piece of clothing I never thought I would wear again. “No Hana, I only bought that for a costume, I’m not going to wear it,” I say, crossing my arms. “Come on Elle! It’s cool!” She says, waving it around. I roll my eyes. “At least try it on?” She asks hopefully, using her puppy dog eye trick. “Fine.” I huff, unable to say no to her.

“I feel stupid,” I announce as I walk out. Hana squeals, getting up quickly. “That looks so good! What are you talking about?” She says, getting up and looking around me. “The jacket is perfect! You look like a cool rocker chic!” She says ecstatically. I sigh, looking at my reflection. “Well, you can’t change your mind because we need to leave right now!” Hana says as she glanced at her watch, and rushes away, grabbing her purse. I groan and follow her. Nerves biting away at me.

—

We arrive at the bar and spot the boys in a booth, talking. “Hey, guys!” Hana says, walking right up to them. I follow behind. What if Drake thinks I look dumb? Like I’m trying to hard? God, I look like an idiot. “Hey!” I grin, trying to hide my nerves as I sit next to Drake. “Woah, you look great Elle,” Liam says, making me smile more. “Thanks, Liam!” I say as I shift in my seat. I turn to glance at Drake who looks pretty shocked. “You look like you just walked out of the Grease, freaking cool!” Maxwell says, making me blush. “Alright enough about my dumb outfit. How was your guys’ first day?” I ask, leaning forward.

We all discuss the kids, the other teachers, and plans for the school year. “Alright, enough with the work talk, I need a drink,” Drake says, getting up. “I’ll help you bring them over, Drake,” Liam says, but I notice he is in the middle of the booth. I get up, brushing myself off. “I’ll go, don’t want to make everyone else get up.” I smile and turn to see Drake, who smiles slightly at me before going towards the bar. I follow, wondering why he hasn’t talked to me. We were okay during PE, why is he acting like this now?

We reach the bar and Drake orders what im guessing the group usually gets. Im not really paying attention, watching a woman perform drunk karaoke. “What will you have Garden?” He asks. I turn to him. “Oh, a whiskey please,” I say, turning back to the singer. I glance over and catch him shaking his head, muttering something under his breath. “Is there something wrong?” I ask, raising an eyebrow. “No, its just I’ve never met a woman who likes whiskey,” he says, smiling. I laugh lightly. “Doesn't sound like you’ve met the right woman yet,” I say, lightly biting my lip. “No, I think I might have...” He trails off, a strange look on his face. The bartender suddenly comes up. “Alright, we have a white wine, a beer, a cosmopolitan, and two whiskeys.” He says, pushing them towards us. I grab a couple, leading the way back to the booth. I may have been swinging my hips a bit...

I place the cosmopolitan in front of Hana, but she just laughs, giving it to Maxwell. “Not really my drink, but thank you, Elle, ill take the Chardonnay please” she grins, making me laugh as I hand her rightful drink over. “I didnt take you for a cosmopolitan kind of man, Maxwell” I tease, making Drake snort. “Then you definitely haven't gotten to know him well enough,” He says, making everyone laugh, even Maxwell who mumbles ‘‘Its true’’ with a shrug. 

Many rounds later, we are the loudest table, laughing and drinking. I’m not really drunk myself, just kind of tipsy. I can’t say the same for Maxwell. Somehow we migrate to a table near the karaoke stage, and before I know it, im picking a song. I find one that is perfect for me right now. I grin at Drake as the music starts to play. He seems pretty sober to me and he's looking at me with a curious look on his face. Probably waiting for me to embarrass myself.

(This link is to the youtube video of the song :) I recommend listening in a different tab or something. It's Butterflies by Kacey Musgraves)

‘ I was just coasting, not really goin’ anywhere, 

caught up in a web I was just kind of used to you stayin’ there

then out of the blue, 

I fell for you.’

I start singing, definitely not sounding as good as the original singer but not too bad. My group sways along to the acoustic song, except for Maxwell and Drake. Maxwell is slowly breakdancing and Drake is just sitting there, looking at me with an intensity in his eyes I had never seen before

‘I didn’t know him, and I didn’t know me, 

cloud nine was always out of reach, 

now I remember what its like to fly,

 you give me butterflies’

I sing this, looking right at Drake, getting butterflies just like the song. I smile, looking down, continuing the lyrics.

‘kiss full of color, 

makes me wonder where you have always been.’

I sing this and I imagine kissing drake. I bet his lips are so soft. I do wonder where he has been. I have never met a man who has affected me like this before. I do the rest of the song, finally singing the last lyrics;

‘You give me butterflies.

mmhmm,

butterflies...’

I finish, and everyone applauds, making me blush as I clamber down the steps, walking back to the group. Liam, who seems a little more than tipsy stumbles over to me. “Hey hi hello,” He says, his words slurring. “hey, you alright Liam?” I ask, steading him with my arms on his shoulders. “I’m kinda drunk,” He whispers loudly, giggling. “Yeah, I can tell,” I say, laughing. He suddenly gets serious. “I-I’m just working up my nerve for- to do something,” he says, slightly swaying. I furrow my eyebrows. ‘Wha-” He cuts me off, pressing his lips on mine.

what the fuckkkkkkkk

*end of part two*

Hope you liked it! Tagging:

@simplyaiden-blog @butindeed @monosodiumglutamateme @mfackenthal

@drakelover78 @mrsdrakewalkerblog @crookedslimecreatorpasta

[sparkknightella]

your misery would look so good in black and white pt2

ok so this isn’t necessarily a continuation because it’s the same story, but told from Big Bill’s perspective. I will write an actual continuation if you guys would like! but for now, you get what you get.

Okay so!!! In this, they’re 17! and Georgie is still alive and he’s like 11?? I think that’s right. 10 or 11 anyway.

warnings: N/A

part 1

-

Bill was goddamn nervous. He started a new school today and he knew his stutter would be horrible and that he was going to humiliate himself.

He silently cursed his parents for moving them in the middle of the school year. They claimed they needed a new start after Georgie was attacked and left for dead in the freezing cold. Frostbite and the evil that resided in that man took his brother’s arm and the happy life they had been living.

He slipped on a blue shirt and walked downstairs, hopping up to the kitchen counter and watching his mom cook.

”Mom, can you give me a ride t-today? I’d take the car but I don’t know how dad would feel ab-bout that.”

His mom shook her head.”The only time I’d be able to take you is one, I have to go to Georgie’s school and make sure the teachers understand what to do if he has an episode”

Bill nodded, they’d found Georgie curled into a ball crying about the cold and reaching for an arm that was no longer there multiple times.

“I can go in at one, I need to work on my online c-class anyway.”

His mother nodded.”Tell Georgie I’m in the car, and make sure he has everything.”

Bill nodded and finished his eggs (that had tasted like ash) and refilled his orange juice (which also tasted like ash). Bill had noticed everything tasted like ash after Georgie’s attack.

Georgie ran downstairs and snatched Bill’s glass with a grin. He quickly drank it and sloppily wiped his mouth.

“She’s in the car.”

“She?”

This had become a game for them, ever since that damn boat. Anytime Bill referred to “she”, Georgie would ask who she was and....

“You always call m-moms “She”, Georgie.”

They both cracked up and Bill ruffled Georgie’s hair.

“You should go b-before mom gets mad.”

Georgie nodded and picked up his bag, running towards the door. “Bye Billy!”

“Be careful!” The door slammed and Bill shook his head, smiling at what a goof his little brother still was.

•

His mom dropped him off at the front of the school. “Just talk to the woman at the front desk, I’m sure she’ll help.”

“M-m-mom!!”

“William! I am not going in with you, I’ve had an exhausting day. They have your information and you have your license. Just go.”

Bill’s stomach was clenching but he nodded and walked towards the building.

He walked up to the receptionist. “Hi, I’m W-W-William Denb-br-brough.” He took a breath and slowed his speaking. “I’m a new student and I’m here to get my schedule.”

The receptionist smiled and started typing something into the computer. “Do you have any sort of identification?”

Bill nodded and pulled out his license.

She took it and nodded. “Okie dokey, well, you can go sit over there, we’ll have someone down in a jiffy to give you a tour!”

“T-tour?”

“Just to help you be as confident as possible while walking the halls of the school!” She handed him a piece of paper with his schedule printed on it. “Welcome to Derry High, William!”

“Thank you.” He smiled politely and sat down in the waiting area.

The receptionist picked up her phone and dialed a number. “Stanley Uris, please come to the front office.”

Bill sat and tried to get through his old foe. “He thrusts his fists against the p-p-p” Shit.

He went at that for a few minutes before a cute curly headed boy showed up at the front desk.

The receptionist looked up at him. “Stanley?” the boy nodded. “You’ll be giving our new student a tour.”

Goddamnit. They couldn’t have sent down anyone else? They had to pick a guy straight out of a painting?

Bill thought these things while he rushed to gather himself and tried to look presentable.

The boy walked up to Bill and smiled, reading Bill’s schedule meticulously before looking up.

“Welcome to Derry High!” It should be illegal for a guy to have that nice of a voice. “I’m Stanley Uris, class president and tour giver apparently.” The shorter boy’s cheeks flushed red at this.

Bill smiled. Seriously? Arrest this guy. “I’m Bill, new k-kid and tour receiver, ap-pparently.”

Somehow Stan’s cheeks grew redder at this. A smile was creeping onto the shorter boy’s lips and Bill was dying to see it.

“Well, we can run through your schedule a couple times, then I can show you where important rooms and buildings are.”

Bill nodded, following Stan as he started walking off. “D-Do we have any classes together?” Bill felt his cheeks warm up. He already knew he wanted to see Stan more than just in passing. Not that he was about to admit that to anyone. “Just so I can know I can look for you if I’m lost or s-something.”

Bill was surprised his heart didn’t explode as Stan smiled up at him. That’s the kind of smile that people write love poems and stories about. That’s the kind of smile that makes grown men melt. And that’s just what Bill did. He felt himself melt until he was just a puddle at Stan’s feet.

“We have four classes together, not including lunch and study hall.” They had stopped in front of a classroom. “That’s a lot, you usually only get two at most.”

“Huh weird.” He stared at Stan (who was staring at the paper still) and had the urge to reach out and run his fingers through the mess of curls. He watched Stan try to make sense of the number of classes they had together. He watched Stan existing and existing and existing and knew he had to at least try and tell Stan what he was feeling.

“B-by the way, I like your sh-shirt, not a lot of guys can p-p-pull off that shade of red.”

Slick.

Stan’s face dropped, you could practically see a heartbreak in his eyes. His face had turned a slight green shade of white.

“You can see color?” Stan’s voice was thin.

Bill couldn’t believe it. He couldn’t fucking believe it. How was this new school in on it?

All his life, classmates had tried to convince him that the world was black and white. The color was sapped from everything until you found your soulmate and made physical contact.

But it was a crock of shit. Bill had been able to see color his whole life. He knew the blue of the sky and the yellow of Georgie’s hair and the red of changing leaves in the fall.

He had no idea how this new school, one hundreds of miles away from his hometown, was readily pranking him already.

“Seriously? How is this school in on it too?”

Stan’s brow furrowed. “In on wha-“

The door behind Stan flew open, pushing him off balance and sending him flying towards the ground.

Bill reached out his hand and grabbed Stan’s wrist.

Skin touched skin and every color Bill had ever seen faded away. Stan was white and grey and grey and grey and his beautiful curls were grey and his shirt was grey and everything was... grey.

Bill’s hand slipped. He fell back against the wall and brought his knees up to his chest. He looked at his hand, willing the color to pop back into it.

He looked over at Stan, who looked so hopeful it broke Bill’s heart.

“W-whu-wh-wh-wh-wh-“ Bill went on like this, unable to stop.

He took a deep breath, calmed his mind.

“Why is everything black and white?”

-

OKAY SO!!! THIS DIDNT CLEAR ANYTHING UP!! But part3 will (if y’all even want a part three, please let me know!)

tag list:

@bailey121302

[jakprotectionsquad]

Jak’s Backstory (Canon)

TW CHILD NEGLECT AND ABUSE. SEL HARM AND SUICIDE

Jak Richards was born to a young woman Anna Kate and her older hubsand Alexander Jay Richards. While Alexander never wanted children Jak was Anna's world so he supported her in the decsion to keep him. However around the time Jak was 5 or 6 the Richards all fell ill. While Anna helped Alex and Jak recover she neglected herself. She was hospitalized and died shortly afterwards. Alex never got over it and planned Jak seeing as Anna spent most of time trying to care for him. Alex wasted no time shoving Jak into kiddergarden and picking up extra shifts at work to avoid him. When Alex was home with Jak he would lock him in his room for hours on end. If Jak raised a fuss he would be beaten. If he was caught playing with anything it would be taken from him. He was a monster and killed his mother. He didnt deserve to have fun, or have nice things. It got to the point where Alex took the lights outof Jak's room because being a young kid he'd get bored and play with the light switch

As Jak got older Alex would leave him in the room longer and longer. Eventually it got to the point where he would be locked in the room over the weekends. Attention starved and lacking many social skills when he was at school he would often interrupt and cause distractions in class resulting in many parential calls and Alex missing work Jak was beaten as punishemnt everytime. Eventually Jak figured out how to break out of his room and while his dad was away he'd wonder the house. This went unoticed for the longest time until Alex came home unexpectedly and caught Jak out of his room. Things got physical and in a panic Jak grabbed the first thing he could to defend himself and swung. And didn't stop. Not when Alex fell to the ground Not when Alex stopped moving. It wasn't until the cops the neighbors had called pulled him off of Alex's corpse did Jak stop

Now its rare Children are charged with murder but due to the sheer amount of violence involed in Alex Richards death Jak was investigated until they could prove that there was no premeditation before the act. Meanwhile 10 year old Jak was in Juvi, waiting out the investigation and receiving his first bits of therapy and some serious schooling. To the surprise of many of the alduts watching over him Jak was insanely clever. All it took was a little praise and a nudge in the right direction and he'd take off. That being said a malnurished runt accused of killing his own dad had a rep with the other kids and lead to fights. Many fights. As much praise as he got from the adluts for doing well with his schooling he got even more from his peers when he'd beat the shit out of some twice his size. Better yet. EVERYONE paid attetnion to him when he started a fight. He learned to fight. How to make every word an attack, how to make his smile irk people  and how to make sure the people he pissed off would never forget him. He continued to raise hell until they stuck him with a personal psychologist, Nathan, who helped him work things out and encouraged him to settle down. The two grew close and Jak begged him to take him in but, Nathan being a young college student had to sadly say no. However with Nathan's help Jak was placed into his first foster home.He tried his best to behave. His family tried thier best to care for him but, they were new at child care and couldnt handle a child who would scream when the lights were shut off and cry all through the night, or threw himself at closed doors until they wouldnt shut properly. After 2 months they sent him back

When he was 13 he was placed with another foster family. There he Thrieved He had a baby sister Sam who he watched over and craddled close and always kept safe. A Mom who would take him in the kitchen and teach him how to help with meals and a Dad who left the door open and the hall light on at night but, his favorite family member was Mikey His kid brother. He was a cocky 11 year old boy with a heart of gold and showed Jak what it was like to really be a kid. Jak followed him everywhere and the two were as thick as thieves. The fights happened less. That was until Mikey got into skatebording. Jak would take him to the park just to watch him and cheered him on. While the other older kids picked on him. One day while Jak decided to stay home to help care for Sam, Mikey went alone and came back with a fat lip and a black eye. So Jak went to the park the next day with Mikey to figure out who the kid who bullied him was. Jak broke the guys's skate bord over the back of his head. The kid needed stiches and the parents pressed charges. It was decided while Jak was being sent back to Juvi that he was a bad influcence on Mikey and they released custody of him. It was in Juvi Jak started his habbit of self harming

Age 16 and out of Juvi Jak had given up on people. He was a monster. Nobody wanted monsters for sons. So no matter where he was placed he raised more and more hell. He fought and spit and cursed and screamed. The nightmares got worse. His mouth got worse. He was put on lithuim to help the hypermania and BPD It wasnt until he was 17 he was taken in by Mrs. Lucy Fletcher a women pushing 70 an art teacher at the local highschool. She took him in after her own son died in a wreck. For the first time in his life Jak had someone who simply refused to give up on him. When he would scream and cuss she'd just stand and quietly nod until the screams became sobs and he worked out what was on his mind. She never shut any of the doors in her house aside from the one to her own bedroom. For the first time in his life he was loved and cared for and actually trying to function. The fights still happened but outside of school (mostly) He was a solid b+ student and was already gaining notice for his artwork.Around that time he had started to date GabbyThe pair were best friends and after some time Jak finally felt safe enough to come out two her and his Mrs Fletcher. Both were very supportive and Jak couldn't be happier! That was until Lucy died. She had a fatal siezer while Jak was hanging out with Gabby.It wasnt long after Jaks anger and abanddonment issues returned with a venganceThe fights were worse than ever. Jak started smoking and drinking like it was all he had. When Gabby annonced her engagement Jak had his first big break down and atempted suicide by taking a bottle of lithuim. Luckily for him he threw most of it up. Even luckier Gabby is the kind of freind who visits when you dont answer her calls. She called the hospital and Jak had his stomach pumped. Again pissed and hurt he lived he became even more agressive. As soon as he could move around he started fights in the hospital. It was shortly after some girl told him that 'Od'ing is a cowards way out' and he tried to force feed her lithium he was transfered to RR ANd the rest is history or Forbidden Cannon!

[81scorp]

Constructive criticism: Transformers 2

(Originally posted as an editorial on Deviantart Apr 24, 2015. It has not been changed from how I originally wrote it.)

Before I go into Transformers 2 I want to talk about the X-Men and Spider-man movie that came out in the early 2000`s.

Spider-man and X-Men are in my opinion a good start. Not just to the whole "let`s try to make a serious comicbook superhero movie and not turn it into a big, campy, live-action saturday morning cartoon joke" genre, but to their own, respective movie franchises as well.

"What about The Crow and Blade?"

Yes, those were good, serious comicbook movies but they didnt start a big, new wave of good comicbook superhero movies, they were more of a prologue.As I was saying: X-men and Spider-man were a good start for their movie franchises. They weren`t perfect. The filmmakers were a little new to the universe and how to translate it into something more cinematic, but it worked well enough. In the sequels things worked a little better. The directors, writers and actors had gotten more familiar with the characters, the world they lived in and things seemed to work smoother. Not just in how close it was to the material they were adapting but in general. Then they screwed it up in the third movie.This is kinda how I feel about the first Transformers movie. The first one was a good start. It made sense how we in the beginning spent more time with the humans and didn`t get to the Autobots until a little later, and I liked most of the humor.

Though I think it would have been better without the scene where Bumblebee urinates on Agent Simmons. Just saying.

And in hindsight they could have dialed down the male gazing too. But unlike Spider-man and X-men, Transformers decided not to take what it had learned from it`s first experience and see if it could do better. No, instead Michael Bay and friends said: "Why wait for the third movie? Let`s screw it up now!" And so they did, and people still paid money to see it, myself included. Yes, I am ashamed. And yes, I know, the script was written during the writer`s strike and it`s possible that Michael Bay was involved in writing it but, come on! Even if you haven`t read books on script writing you can still see that the dumb decisions that they made were really dumb decisions!

Though in defense of Michael Bay, from what I`ve heard, he wanted to do a personal pet project after Tranformers, but was contractually obligated to do a sequel if it did well enough at the box office. Maybe he knew it was bad and screwed it up on purpose so he wouldn`t have to do more Transformers? That`s just wild speculations from me though. Let us, in my very subjective editorial, see where it went wrong and how it could have been fixed.

SPOILERS in disguise The Male gazing

They could have dialed it down or removed it completely.

Bumblebee

I get why he was mute and talked through soundclips in the first movie, because his voice thingy was damaged  and also so he could be a sympathetic character for the audience. But why didn`t he talk in this movie? His voice came back in the end of the first one. Heaven forbid he actually has any character developement. He could have talked, he just doesn`t have to talk that much. And he could still use soundclips sometimes when he feels it suits the situation. Like: when they`re about to enter a dangerous place he could use the "I´ve got a bad feeling about this" line from Starwars. And then there`s the scene where he cries like a sprinkler when Sam tells him he can`t follow him to college. Yes, I get it, they wanted to have some comedy, but they could have done that better. They could have done it like this: When Sam says to Bumblebee that he can`t come, his reaction could be "Oh... OK, I... I understand." But by the tone of his voice and body language we can tell that this saddens him. And when Sam goes away Bumblebee could play "All by myself" on his radio.

Giving Bumblebee such exaggerated, emotional reactions just makes me feel that Bay only thinks of the Transformers as silly, one dimensional, cartoon characters. Disney characters (in good Disney movies at least), The Transformers in the cartoon and the ponies in My Little Pony, Friendship is Magic have a little bit more depth than Bay`s Transformers.

Covering up the events that happened in the first movie

I can believe that such a thing could happen in the Men In Black universe where they can erase memories and stuff, but in this movie? Instead: the army`s official story to the public could be: "Yes, this battle did happen but now all the giant robots (both the good and the evil ones) have disappeared. We don`t know where yet, but we`re working on it."

Mikaela detailing the motorcycle

Yes, Megan Fox is a physically attractive woman, but that is pretty much it, and this scene is, besides pandering to horny teenage boys, also a big research failure from the filmmakers. That`s not how you detail a motorcycle, it is usually done with more protective clothing. So either:

A: have her detail a motorcycle the correct way, or

B: have her change the oil or look at the engine of a car.

Skids and Mudflap

Sigh... these guys. One stupid, racist caricature wasn`t enough, there had to be TWO. They already had Bumblebee with them on their journey so they only needed one of these guys, it would be less work for the animators and should also make it cheaper. Instead of being a stupid idiot he (since there is only one of them now in this hypothetical example) could be a competent warrior and the comedy could come from that he has gotten a few expressions and a few facts about earth wrong. For instance: when they get to the pyramids he could say: "So this is where Lenin is buried" (Lenin was mummified after his death after all). And here`s a funny exchange of words they could have in one scene:

Skids/Mudflap: Let`s kick some Donkey!

Sam or Mikaela: I think you mean "Ass".

Skids/Mudflap: Meh, Tomayto, Potahto. And instead of being illiterate: he couldn`t read the text because it was ancient cybertronian.

Arcee

There are female autobots in this movie. Not many though and they don`t have much screen time (About 39 seconds, less than a minute, out of the movie`s 2½ hours runningtime. And that includes scenes where they are in their motorbike forms doing nothing.) and one dies near the end. (If I`m not mistaken there were more than one in the beginning of the movie, but I don`t remember seeing the other female autobots in the rest of the movie and I don`t remember if

anything was mentioned about what happened to them.) Arcee appeared in eight episodes in the cartoon  BTW.Arcee should have had more screentime, and she didn`t have to die in the end. Personally I wouldn`t mind if it was she that joined Sam, Mikaela, Bumblebee and Leo on their journey to the pyramids instead of Skids/Mudflap.

Inconsistent laws of physics

A while ago I watched a video where some guy listed things he hated about this movie. One of them was a scene where a helicopter carries Optimus Prime`s lifeless body and drops it on the ground like a giant pile of scrapmetal. He felt that this was Bay being completely disrespectful to the character. Personally I thought Bay just wanted to bring in in a little realism. Prime was heavy and those wires couldn`t keep him up forever. However, earlier in the movie Sam is being thrown around by Decepticons and falls from heights that would have killed an ordinary human. If you`re gonna have realistic (or at least believable) laws of physics in your movie, keep them consistent.

The Big giant fight near the end between the humans and the Decepticons

It went on a bit too long. It could have been shorter and some of that time could have been given to Prime`s battle with the fallen, which was a little too short.

The immature humor

There are a bunch of things that I`d like to collect in one common category.

Sam`s mom running around high on campus: While I`m OK with the scene where she mentions that someone offered her brownies, the scene that comes after where she attacks/tries to get a piggyback ride from someone on the school`s lawn just felt like an unnecessary stretch of that gag. Lose it.

The dogs humping each other: Was not necessary in a 2½ hours long film that cost 200 million $ to make. Lose it.

Wheelie humping Mikaela`s leg: Instead he could have rubbed his head against her leg like a cat, and her reaction could have been flattered, yet weirded out. Or: she could be just weirded out. Or: just lose this joke completely.

Leo running out from the bathroom with his pants down: Instead he could run out (with his pants on) and shout:"I need your help! My friend just fainted in the bathroom!" (Yes, I know, the museum was closed so he`d very likely still get arrested, but still.)

Jetfire: I`m OK with him being old, but does he have to be a caricature? And I`d lose the parachute fart joke.

Devastator`s "balls": Lose it!

Robot heaven

The Autobots are not biological beings but they are sentient so I could buy this, but it was introduced very late in the movie. Instead: Sam doesn`t have a near death experience and the matrix doesn`t have to crumble to dust in his hands earlier in the movie. (Thus shortening the long running time by at least a few minutes.)

-Transformers Dark of the Moon-

My brother rented it on DVD and I gave it a watch. Slightly better than Revenge of the fallen but still not that good. Giant robots was not enough to distract me from the movie`s Bay-isms. Can`t really come up with ideas of how I would have changed it except two things:

Bumblebee`s voice

Like I said, his voice was fixed so why keep the soundclip thing? In the scene where he says Goodbye to Sam he could have done it in his original voice since it was an important moment for at least one of them.

Sam clearly acting suspicious when the watch-decepticon takes over his body

Like when he summersaults over a table for comedic effect. Was that really necessary? He could have acted normally and, at most, only have a few facial tics.

And that`s my list.

[woodsens]

The Most Influential People in the fire inside music Industry and Their Celebrity Dopplegangers

Correction Appended

On an album of bittersweet childrens music that she wrote greater than a decade ago, the woman who came to get recognised only as being the piano Instructor provided what, in hindsight, seems like an eerie glimpse of her have long term.

Im going absent today to an area so distant, the place nobody understands my identify, she wrote while in the lyrics of a track identified as Relocating.

When she wrote that song, she was younger and vivacious, a piano Trainer and freelance audio writer who liked Beethoven and jazz, sunsets and river Appears, extended walks and almost everything about Big apple.

On one of those beloved walks, by way of Central Park in the bright Sunshine of the June day in 1996, a homeless drifter conquer her and attempted to rape her, leaving her clinging to everyday living. Following the attack, the phrases to her track came real. She moved away, out of Ny city, from her previous life, and all but her closest close friends didn't know her name. To the remainder of the planet, she was — similar to the additional well known jogger attacked in Central Park seven many years previously — an anonymous symbol of the city nightmare. She was the piano Instructor.

Now, about the 10th anniversary on the assault, she's celebrating what appears to be her complete recovery from Mind trauma. She's forty two, married, with a small boy or girl. She's Kyle Kevorkian McCann, the piano teacher, and she or he wants to convey to her Tale, her way.

Her doctor told her it could just take ten years to recover, and Sunday was that talismanic anniversary. I sense my everyday living continues to be redefined by Central Park, she said a number of times in the past, her voice smooth and hopeful. In advance of park; immediately after park. Will there ever certainly be a time Once i dont Feel, Oh, Here is the 10th anniversary, the 11th anniversary?

She spoke in her modest ranch house in the wooded subdivision in a The big apple suburb. She sat in a very eating room strewn with toys, surrounded by pictures of her cherubic, dim-haired 2-calendar year-outdated daughter. A Steinway grand stuffed 50 percent the place, and at one place she sat down and performed. Her actively playing was forceful, but she appeared humiliated to Engage in more than a few bars, and shrugged, rather then answering, when requested the name of your piece. She questioned that her daughter and her town not be named.

She phone calls that working day, June four, 1996, the working day when I was damage.

Hers was the main within a string of attacks by the same guy on four Gals above eight times. The final target, Evelyn Alvarez, sixty five, was crushed to Dying as she opened her Park Avenue dry-cleansing shop, and in the end, the assailant, John J. Royster, was convicted of murder and sentenced to existence in prison.

Nevertheless the attack around the piano teacher would be the just one individuals appear to recollect one of the most. Part of the fascination has got to do with echoes in the 1989 attack to the Central Park jogger. But Furthermore, it frightened folks in a method the attack to the jogger did not because its instances were so mundane.

It did not occur inside of a remote A part of the park late in the evening, but near a preferred playground at 3 during the afternoon. It could have took place to anybody. The tension was heightened with the secret of the piano lecturers identity.

For 3 times, as law enforcement and Medical practitioners tried using to see who she was, she lay inside a coma in her medical center mattress, nameless. Her dad and mom were being on getaway and her boyfriend, also a musician, was in Europe, on tour. Lastly, one of her learners regarded a law enforcement sketch and was ready to identify her from the clinic by her fingers, due to the fact her experience was swollen over and above recognition. The law enforcement did not release her name.

The last thing she remembers about June four, 1996, is offering a lesson in her studio condominium on West 57th Avenue, then putting her prolonged hair within a ponytail and likely out for just a stroll. She would not remember the attack, Despite the fact that she has read the accounts of the police and prosecutors.

To me its just like a reality I discovered and memorized, she claimed. Just as if I were a pupil in school learning history.

She will not think of The person who did it. I may have been offended to get a second, but not a lot longer than that, she said. How could I be indignant at John Royster? He was declared not insane, but I suppose by our specifications he was.

Dr. Jamshid Ghajar, her health care provider at Big apple Medical center-Cornell Medical Heart, as it absolutely was recognised in 1996, instructed reporters that she had a 10 per cent possibility of survival. Doctors experienced to eliminate her forehead bone, which was later on replaced, to generate home for her swelling Mind. When her mother produced a public attract pray for my daughter, thousands did.

Immediately after eight days, she arrived out of a coma, to start with inside a vegetative point out, then in a very childlike point out. As she recovered, she slept little and talked consistently, occasionally in gibberish. I used to be obtaining mad at people whenever they didnt respond to these terms, she said.

Like an Alzheimers individual, she had very little quick-phrase memory and would fail to remember readers as soon as they remaining the space.

About various months, she needed to relearn ways to wander, costume, go through and produce. Her boyfriend, Tony Scherr, visited every single day to Perform guitar for her. He inspired her to Perform the piano, from the recommendation of her physical therapists, who believed she could well be disappointed by her lack of ability to Engage in the way she after experienced. Mr. Scherr performed Beatles duets together with her, taking part in the left-hand portion although she performed the right.

Which was my ideal therapy, she said.

In August, she moved back household to New Jersey, with her father, an engineer, and mom, a schoolteacher. She visited outdated haunts and identified as friends, seeking to revive her shattered memory. I was pretty obsessed with remembering, she claimed. Any memory loss was to me a sign of abnormality or deficit.

Her therapists assumed her development was great, but her two sisters protested that she wasn't the deep thinker she were.

What bothered her most was that she had misplaced the chance to cry, as though a faucet within her brain had been turned off. Just one evening, nine months immediately after she was damage, she stayed up late to observe the John Grisham Film A Time for you to Get rid of. Just following her father had long gone to mattress, she watched a courtroom scene of Samuel Jacksons character on demo for killing two Adult males who experienced raped his youthful daughter.

The faucet opened, and also the tears trickled down her cheeks. I considered my mother and father, my father, and what they went as a result of, she explained. Small by very little, my experience returned, my depth of mind returned.

Urged by her sisters, she went back again to highschool and acquired a masters diploma in music education and learning.

Not every thing went nicely. She and Mr. Scherr break up up five years after the assault, although they continue to be pals. She dated other Adult men, but she usually instructed them with regard to the assault instantly — she could not enable it, she explained — and so they never identified as for the next day.

We've got to uncover you someone, her Pal David Phelps, a guitar participant, reported 4 a long time back, before introducing her to Liam McCann, a pc technician and novice drummer. For when, she did not say anything at all with regards to the attack right up until she obtained to understand Mr. McCann, after which when she did, he admired her energy.

Mayor Rudolph W. Giuliani, who experienced normally visited her at her bedside while she was within the healthcare facility, married them in his Moments Square Business. She wore a blue costume and pearls. Even though she was Expecting, inside of a burst of creativeness, she and her pals recorded Though Were being Younger, an album of childrens music that she experienced penned ahead of the assault, including the song Relocating. Her ex-boyfriend, Mr. Scherr, produced the CD. On it, her spouse plays drums and she performs electrical piano.

Is her lifestyle as it absolutely was? Not exactly, although she's unwilling to attribute the discrepancies to her accidents. Her very last two piano pupils left her, without contacting to clarify why, she mentioned. She has resumed playing classical songs, but simple parts, simply because her daughter doesn't give her time for you to follow. As for jazz, I dont even try, she reported.

She want to drive additional, emotion stranded in the suburbs, but she is well rattled. She attempts to be written content with staying household and caring for her daughter.

Dr. Ghajar, a scientific professor of neurological surgical procedure at what's now called Big apple-Presbyterian Medical center/Weill Cornell Healthcare Middle, who operated on Ms. Kevorkian McCann following the assault, reported final 7 days that her level of Restoration was rare. Shes mainly typical, he explained.

Other specialists, who will be not personally familiar with Ms. Kevorkian McCanns situation, tend to be more careful.

Regaining a chance to Participate in the piano may possibly require an Virtually mechanical process, a semiautomatic remember of just what the fingers must do, claimed Dr. Yehuda Ben-Yishay, a professor of clinical rehabilitation medicine at The big apple College School of Medicine. As soon as brain-injured, you are often Mind-wounded, for the rest of your life, Dr. Ben-Yishay mentioned. There isn't any overcome, You can find only intense compensation.

The greater telling Portion of a recovery, in his watch, is psychological, and on that score he counts Ms. Kevorkian McCanns relationship and little one as a significant victory.

For her aspect, the piano Instructor appreciates she has transformed, but she has made her peace with it. I was form of a hyper —— I dont know if I used to be a sort A, but I was bold, she says. Why was I so formidable? I was a piano Instructor. I dont understand what the ambition was about. I really did come back to the individual Im designed to be.

[redkiteradio]

12 Stats About best beginner keyboard piano

Correction Appended

On an album of bittersweet childrens tunes that she wrote in excess of ten years back, the woman who came for being recognized only because the piano teacher available what, in hindsight, looks as if an eerie glimpse of her possess long run.

Im going away today to a spot so far away, in which nobody is familiar with my title, she wrote inside the lyrics of the music named Going.

When she wrote that tune, she was youthful and vivacious, a piano Trainer and freelance audio writer who beloved Beethoven and jazz, sunsets and river sounds, lengthy walks and every little thing about New York.

On a kind of beloved walks, by way of Central Park in the brilliant Solar of the June day in 1996, a homeless drifter beat her and attempted to rape her, leaving her clinging to lifetime. After the assault, the words to her music came real. She moved absent, from New York City, out of her outdated life, and all but her closest buddies didn't know her title. To the remainder of the planet, she was — much like the a lot more renowned jogger attacked in Central Park seven several years before — an anonymous symbol of the urban nightmare. She was the piano Instructor.

Now, within the 10th anniversary from the attack, she's celebrating what seems to be her total recovery from brain trauma. She is forty two, married, with a little boy or girl. She is Kyle Kevorkian McCann, the piano Trainer, and she or he would like to tell her story, her way.

Her health care provider informed her it could consider ten years to Get better, and Sunday was that talismanic anniversary. I experience my lifetime has become redefined by Central Park, she reported several times in the past, her voice soft and hopeful. Before park; immediately after park. Will there ever be a time when I dont Feel, Oh, this is the 10th anniversary, the 11th anniversary?

She spoke in her modest ranch property inside a wooded subdivision in a The big apple suburb. She sat in the eating home strewn with toys, surrounded by photos of her cherubic, dark-haired 2-year-outdated daughter. A Steinway grand filled 50 percent the home, and at one particular level she sat down and performed. Her taking part in was forceful, but she appeared embarrassed to Perform more than a few bars, and shrugged, rather than answering, when questioned the identify in the piece. She requested that her daughter and her city not be named.

She calls that working day, June 4, 1996, the working day After i was hurt.

Hers was the main in the string of attacks by the identical person on 4 women about 8 days. The final victim, Evelyn Alvarez, 65, was crushed to Loss of life as she opened her Park Avenue dry-cleansing store, and finally, the assailant, John J. Royster, was convicted of murder and sentenced to daily life in prison.

But the attack over the piano Trainer could be the 1 folks feel to keep in mind essentially the most. Part of the fascination has got to do with echoes of the 1989 attack over the Central Park jogger. But In addition it frightened individuals in a way the attack on the jogger did not since its conditions ended up so mundane.

It did not happen inside a remote Portion of the park late in the evening, but in close proximity to a well known playground at three during the afternoon. It might have transpired to any individual. The stress was heightened with the thriller from the piano lecturers identity.

For three days, as law enforcement and doctors tried using to learn who she was, she lay within a coma in her medical center mattress, anonymous. Her dad and mom were on holiday vacation and her boyfriend, also a musician, was in Europe, on tour. Last but not least, among her pupils recognized a police sketch and was capable of recognize her in the medical center by her fingers, mainly because her face was swollen past recognition. The law enforcement did not release her identify.

The very last thing she remembers about June four, 1996, is supplying a lesson in her studio condominium on West 57th Road, then putting her lengthy hair in the ponytail and heading out to get a wander. She would not remember the attack, While she has listened to the accounts with the law enforcement and prosecutors.

To me its just like a reality I figured out and memorized, she mentioned. Like I were being a university student at school finding out historical past.

She isn't going to contemplate the man who did it. I may need been angry for the moment, although not for much longer than that, she stated. How could I be indignant at John Royster? He was declared not insane, but I guess by our standards he was.

Dr. Jamshid Ghajar, her medical professional at Big apple Medical center-Cornell Health-related Center, as it had been known in 1996, instructed reporters that she had a ten per cent chance of survival. Physicians had to remove her forehead bone, which was later changed, to generate area for her swelling Mind. When her mom designed a public appeal to pray for my daughter, hundreds did.

Right after 8 days, she arrived away from a coma, very first in a vegetative state, then in the childlike point out. As she recovered, she slept very little and talked continuously, at times in gibberish. I had been getting mad at men and women every time they didnt respond to these words and phrases, she claimed.

Like an Alzheimers patient, she had little quick-expression memory and would neglect readers when they still left the room.

Around various months, she had to relearn the way to stroll, gown, browse and generate. Her boyfriend, Tony Scherr, frequented every day to Engage in guitar for her. He inspired her to Enjoy the piano, towards the recommendation of her Actual physical therapists, who imagined she can be discouraged by her inability to play the best way she when experienced. Mr. Scherr performed Beatles duets with her, participating in the still left-hand part whilst she performed the correct.

Which was my very best therapy, she reported.

In August, she moved again dwelling to New Jersey, along with her father, an engineer, and mother, a schoolteacher. She frequented outdated haunts and termed pals, making an attempt to restore her shattered memory. I was quite obsessive about remembering, she reported. Any memory decline was to me an indication of abnormality or deficit.

Her therapists believed her progress was terrific, but her two sisters protested that she was not the deep thinker she had been.

What bothered her most was that she had dropped a chance to cry, as though a faucet within her brain were turned off. One particular evening, nine months after she was harm, she stayed up late to look at the John Grisham Film A The perfect time to Eliminate. Just after her father experienced absent to bed, she watched a courtroom scene of Samuel Jacksons character on demo for killing two Guys who had raped his younger daughter.

The faucet opened, and also the tears trickled down her cheeks. I thought of my mother and father, my father, and the things they went through, she stated. Very little by small, my experience returned, my depth of brain returned.

Urged by her sisters, she went back again to highschool and bought a masters diploma in songs education.

Not all the things went perfectly. She and Mr. Scherr split up five years after the attack, although they continue to be friends. She dated other Males, but she usually advised them with regard to the attack instantly — she could not support it, she reported — and so they never ever referred to as for just a 2nd day.

We've got to find you anyone, her friend David Phelps, a guitar player, claimed four years in the past, right before introducing her to Liam McCann, a computer technician and amateur drummer. For once, she did not say something about the attack until finally she acquired to grasp Mr. McCann, after which you can when she did, he admired her power.

Mayor Rudolph W. Giuliani, who had frequently frequented her at her bedside while she was inside the healthcare facility, married them in his Moments Sq. Office environment. She wore a blue costume and pearls. Although she was pregnant, inside of a burst of creativity, she and her pals recorded While Had been Younger, an album of childrens songs that she had written before the attack, such as the song Shifting. Her ex-boyfriend, Mr. Scherr, generated the CD. On it, her husband plays drums and she or he performs electrical piano.

Is her everyday living as it was? Not accurately, however she is hesitant to attribute the variations to her injuries. Her previous two piano pupils left her, without contacting to elucidate why, she stated. She has resumed playing classical tunes, but straightforward pieces, for the reason that her daughter would not give her the perfect time to practice. As for jazz, I dont even attempt, she reported.

She want to drive more, feeling stranded inside the suburbs, but she is definitely rattled. She attempts to be material with being residence and caring for her daughter.

Dr. Ghajar, a scientific professor of neurological surgical procedure at what on earth is now termed New York-Presbyterian Hospital/Weill Cornell Clinical Heart, who operated on Ms. Kevorkian McCann after the assault, said past week that her level of Restoration was unusual. Shes in essence ordinary, he explained.

Other authorities, who are not Individually aware of Ms. Kevorkian McCanns scenario, tend to be more cautious.

Regaining the ability to play the piano may include an Virtually mechanical course of action, a semiautomatic remember of what the fingers ought to do, reported Dr. Yehuda Ben-Yishay, a professor of clinical rehabilitation medication at New York College School of Medicine. At the time brain-wounded, you happen to be generally brain-hurt, For the remainder of your daily life, Dr. Ben-Yishay reported. There isn't a remedy, There is certainly only intense compensation.

The more telling A part of a Restoration, in his perspective, is psychological, and on that rating he counts Ms. Kevorkian McCanns relationship and child as a major victory.

For her element, the piano teacher knows she has modified, but she has built her peace with it. I used to be kind of a hyper —— I dont know if I had been a sort A, but I used to be bold, she says. Why was I so formidable? I had been a piano teacher. I dont determine what the ambition was about. I really did return to the person Im purported to be.

[emilyl-b]

10 Great fire inside music Public Speakers

Correction Appended

On an album of bittersweet childrens tracks that she wrote a lot more than ten years ago, the woman who came to get regarded only because the piano teacher offered what, in hindsight, looks like an eerie glimpse of her possess potential.

Im transferring absent these days to a spot so distant, exactly where no person knows my name, she wrote in the lyrics of a tune identified as Relocating.

When she wrote that music, she was young and vivacious, a piano Instructor and freelance audio author who loved Beethoven and jazz, sunsets and river sounds, lengthy walks and every thing about Big apple.

On a kind of beloved walks, by way of Central Park in the intense Sunlight of the June working day in 1996, a homeless drifter beat her and attempted to rape her, leaving her clinging to daily life. Once the assault, the text to her track came accurate. She moved absent, out of New York City, from her outdated everyday living, and all but her closest good friends didn't know her identify. To the remainder of the globe, she was — much like the additional well known jogger attacked in Central Park 7 a long time previously — an nameless symbol of the city nightmare. She was the piano Trainer.

Now, around the 10th anniversary on the attack, she's celebrating what is apparently her comprehensive Restoration from Mind trauma. She is 42, married, with a small boy or girl. She's Kyle Kevorkian McCann, the piano Instructor, and she or he really wants to convey to her story, her way.

Her health care provider instructed her it will just take 10 years to Recuperate, and Sunday was that talismanic anniversary. I sense my life has become redefined by Central Park, she mentioned a number of days in the past, her voice delicate and hopeful. Before park; just after park. Will there ever be described as a time Once i dont Believe, Oh, Here is the tenth anniversary, the 11th anniversary?

She spoke in her modest ranch house inside of a wooded subdivision in a The big apple suburb. She sat inside of a eating place strewn with toys, surrounded by pictures of her cherubic, dim-haired 2-12 months-aged daughter. A Steinway grand filled 50 % the place, and at one particular place she sat down and performed. Her actively playing was forceful, but she seemed ashamed to Enjoy various bars, and shrugged, rather then answering, when questioned the identify of your piece. She requested that her daughter and her town not be named.

She calls that working day, June 4, 1996, the day Once i was harm.

Hers was the 1st in a string of assaults by the exact same guy on 4 Women of all ages above 8 times. The last victim, Evelyn Alvarez, 65, was crushed to death as she opened her Park Avenue dry-cleansing shop, and in the end, the assailant, John J. Royster, was convicted of murder and sentenced to daily life in jail.

However the assault on the piano Trainer will be the just one individuals seem to recall by far the most. Section of the fascination should do with echoes on the 1989 attack over the Central Park jogger. But Furthermore, it frightened people today in a way the attack around the jogger did not simply because its circumstances were so mundane.

It did not occur in a very distant A part of the park late during the night, but close to a favorite playground at three from the afternoon. It could have transpired to any one. The strain was heightened with the thriller on the piano academics identification.

For three days, as law enforcement and Medical doctors tried using to see who she was, she lay in the coma in her healthcare facility bed, nameless. Her mothers and fathers had been on vacation and her boyfriend, also a musician, was in Europe, on tour. Eventually, amongst her pupils identified a police sketch and was capable of establish her while in the clinic by her fingers, mainly because her face was swollen further than recognition. The police did not launch her identify.

The very last thing she remembers about June four, 1996, is offering a lesson in her studio apartment on West 57th Avenue, then Placing her very long hair in the ponytail and going out for just a walk. She won't keep in mind the attack, While she has heard the accounts in the police and prosecutors.

To me its like a fact I discovered and memorized, she said. Like I were a student in school finding out heritage.

She isn't going to take into consideration The person who did it. I may have been offended for a minute, but not for much longer than that, she reported. How could I be indignant at John Royster? He was declared not crazy, but I guess by our standards he was.

Dr. Jamshid Ghajar, her physician at New York Clinic-Cornell Medical Middle, as it had been recognised in 1996, explained to reporters that she experienced a ten percent probability of survival. Health professionals had to remove her forehead bone, which was later on replaced, to generate space for her swelling brain. When her mom built a public attract pray for my daughter, hundreds did.

Following eight times, she arrived from a coma, initially in a vegetative point out, then in a childlike point out. As she recovered, she slept tiny and talked frequently, sometimes in gibberish. I had been obtaining mad at persons if they didnt reply to these words and phrases, she explained.

Like an Alzheimers individual, she had small shorter-term memory and would fail to remember people when they remaining the room.

More than various months, she needed to relearn how you can walk, dress, study and write. Her boyfriend, Tony Scherr, visited each day to Participate in guitar for her. He inspired her to Enjoy the piano, in opposition to the recommendation of her Actual physical therapists, who believed she could well be frustrated by her lack of ability to Perform the way she after experienced. Mr. Scherr played Beatles duets along with her, playing the still left-hand aspect though she played the best.

That was my most effective therapy, she explained.

In August, she moved again home to New Jersey, along with her father, an engineer, and mom, a schoolteacher. She visited previous haunts and named good friends, making an attempt to revive her shattered memory. I had been quite obsessive about remembering, she stated. Any memory loss was to me a sign of abnormality or deficit.

Her therapists considered her development was great, but her two sisters protested that she wasn't the deep thinker she had been.

What bothered her most was that she had shed a chance to cry, as if a faucet inside her Mind had been turned off. 1 night, nine months soon after she was harm, she stayed up late to view the John Grisham movie A Time and energy to Destroy. Just right after her father had gone to mattress, she watched a courtroom scene of Samuel Jacksons character on trial for killing two men who experienced raped his young daughter.

The faucet opened, as well as the tears trickled down her cheeks. I considered my mother and father, my father, and the things they went by means of, she reported. Minor by little, my sensation returned, my depth of brain returned.

Urged by her sisters, she went back to school and acquired a masters diploma in tunes training.

Not every little thing went nicely. She and Mr. Scherr split up five years once the assault, though they continue to be friends. She dated other Guys, but she constantly informed them concerning the assault immediately — she couldn't assist it, she claimed — plus they by no means termed for your next date.

Now we have to seek out you an individual, her Good friend David Phelps, a guitar player, stated 4 years in the past, prior to introducing her to Liam McCann, a pc technician and beginner drummer. For after, she did not say anything at all with regards to the attack until eventually she acquired to grasp Mr. McCann, after which when she did, he admired her strength.

Mayor Rudolph W. Giuliani, who experienced typically visited her at her bedside whilst she was from the medical center, married them in his Occasions Square Place of work. She wore a blue costume and pearls. Even though she was pregnant, within a burst of creativeness, she and her friends recorded Even though Had been Youthful, an album of childrens tracks that she experienced written before the assault, including the tune Moving. Her ex-boyfriend, Mr. Scherr, made the CD. On it, her partner performs drums and she plays electric powered piano.

Is her everyday living as it absolutely was? Not accurately, nevertheless she is reluctant to attribute the distinctions to her injuries. Her very last two piano learners remaining her, without calling to clarify why, she claimed. She has resumed playing classical tunes, but uncomplicated items, mainly because her daughter will not give her the perfect time to apply. As for jazz, I dont even consider, she explained.

She would want to drive far more, feeling stranded inside the suburbs, but she is definitely rattled. She tries to be articles with keeping house and caring for her daughter.

Dr. Ghajar, a medical professor of neurological surgical treatment at what is now known as New York-Presbyterian Clinic/Weill Cornell Healthcare Heart, who operated on Ms. Kevorkian McCann after the attack, claimed last 7 days that her degree of recovery was uncommon. Shes essentially standard, he mentioned.

Other professionals, who will be not personally acquainted with Ms. Kevorkian McCanns situation, are more cautious.

Regaining a chance to Participate in the piano could include an Practically mechanical method, a semiautomatic remember of what the fingers have to do, explained Dr. Yehuda Ben-Yishay, a professor of medical rehabilitation medication at Ny University School of Medicine. Once Mind-wounded, you will be always brain-wounded, for the rest of your life, Dr. Ben-Yishay explained. There is no remedy, There's only intensive compensation.

The greater telling Element of a recovery, in his check out, is psychological, and on that score he counts Ms. Kevorkian McCanns marriage and baby as a major victory.

For her element, the piano Instructor is aware she has changed, but she has designed her peace with it. I had been form of a hyper —— I dont know if I was a Type A, but I was bold, she states. Why was I so bold? I used to be a piano Trainer. I dont know very well what the ambition was about. I really did come back to the person Im supposed to be.