#a what if au

[yesiwasateenagewerewolf]

Richie is a reporter for a Maine wide TV Network. His job is all the public interest and wacky local news stories. He loves his job.

He is never happier than when he's interviewing a couple who've been married 80 years, or sitting down to try his hand at a local pie eating contest, or getting his face painted for a charity day run by a local school.

Richie is a natural on camera and a natural with people. He's popular and a local celebrity.

For years he's managed to avoid returning to his home town of Derry until his boss tells him that he'll be in Derry for the next week covering the town Canal Festival.

Richie considers calling in sick, but tells himself it won't be terrible. He drives out ahead of his crew, getting there in the early hours of Saturday morning and checking himself in to the Derry Townhouse.

He sleeps late, then goes for a walk to refamiliarize himself.

He doesn't expect any of the old gang to still be in Derry, not when they'd all wanted to get out so badly, but he finds Mike at the library. Richie can't believe how good it is to see him again.

They go for lunch and Mike lets slip Eddie is still in town.

Richie can't believe Eddie is still in Derry, not after all his plans to get out from under his mother's thumb and live his own life, but Mike tells him Eddie is working in the pharmacy so Richie swings by after lunch.

Eddie is still gorgeous, even after the years apart, even under the horrible florescent lighting. The last time Richie saw him, they were standing on the porch of Eddie's house and Eddie was kissing him goodbye and promising to write when he got to college in New York.

Eddie never wrote. Richie took it to heart. He tried to send his own letters, but they all got returned to him unopened. He figured Eddie didn't want to know any more.

Eddie looks shocked to see him and Richie takes that as confirmation of his theory.

He swallows hard when he sees Eddie is wearing a wedding ring.

Maybe it was all one-sided. Maybe Eddie was just experimenting, just having fun and Richie took things too seriously. He fell in love and he thought Eddie felt the same.

He buys a toothbrush and makes some small talk. Eddie bags up his items, not meeting Richie's eye.

It's painfully awkward, the opposite of how seeing Mike again had been.

Just as Richie turns to leave, Eddie grabs for the sleeve of his jacket, stopping him.

"We should catch up," he says, finally letting his eyes flick up to meet Richie's. "Are you staying at the Townhouse?"

"Last I checked it was the only hotel in Derry," Richie says.

Eddie nods. "I get off work at 6pm. See you around 6.30?"

Richie nods.

He feels sick waiting for Eddie. He's sure Eddie is coming to apologise, to explain his side of things, to let him down gently but Richie really doesn't want to hear it.

It's ten minutes past six when Eddie knocks on the door, and Richie knows he must have run from the pharmacy.

He opens the door and Eddie is sweaty and breathless, his chest heaving.

Their eyes meet.

They're on each other in an instant, kissing hungrily, tearing at each other's clothes, pushing and pulling the other towards the bed.

Afterwards, Richie smokes and Eddie fiddles with his wedding ring.

"Who's the lucky girl?" Richie asks.

"Don't laugh," Eddie says. "It's Greta Keene."

Richie laughs and laughs.

"No fucking way," he says.

"It was a small ceremony," Eddie mutters, cheeks red.

Richie sits up, feeling like Eddie stabbed him in the heart.

"Why the fuck would you marry Greta? She tormented you. She was a bitch to Bev. Did you forget that?"

"She wasn't that bad. We were just kids," Eddie protests.

"She wrote loser on your cast, Eds. She wrote shit about you and me on the bathroom wall. She used to call you a fairy to your face. What was it? You thought you'd show her how much of a red blooded heterosexual man you are by sticking it to her good?"

Eddie's face goes pale. For a moment Richie thinks Eddie might hit him, but instead Eddie gets out of the bed, running for the bathroom. Richie can hear him retching.

He comes back still pale and trembling and begins to dress, not looking at Richie.

"This was a mistake," he says. "I'm married. We can't do this again."

"Yeah," Richie hisses, stubbing out his cigarette on the bedside table. "I gathered that. Most guys I fuck don't throw up afterwards."

Eddie looks at him with wide eyes.

"What? No, Richie, I..."

Richie doesn't let him continue. "Just fuck off to your wife, Eds. I don't want to hear your apologies. Were you fucking her in high school? Is that why you blew me off when you got to New York?"

Eddie looks completely bewildered.

"No! I'd never have...Richie, I never got to New York!"

That shuts Richie up.

"My mum got sick. She needed me to take her to the doctors and to look after her. I deferred my place for a year, but she didn't get better so I just withdrew. I tried to get in contact with you."

"Shit, Eds. Did she die? I'm sorry," Richie says, although he's only sorry for Eddie's suffering, not Sonia Kaspbrak's death.

Eddie smiles bitterly. "No, she's still alive. I take her to church every Sunday and we have a family dinner Wednesday night."

"She faked it?" Richie asks, almost unbelieving.

"I think so," Eddie says, running a hand through his hair. "She started getting better when I began working in the pharmacy. She was fine for the mother and son dance at my wedding."

"How long ago?"

"Two years," Eddie says, looking down at the ring on his hand. "It wasn't - it wasn't anything like you and me. Mr Keene kept hinting at me asking Greta out, and she was always there, always talking to me and I guess flirting."

"Everyone else got out after Highschool. It was just Greta, and me, and a couple of the guys who used to pal around with Bowers. It wasn't like she really liked me, I was just a better choice than one of them."

"So you're straight now? Or bi?"

Eddie shakes his head.

"No. I just...I wanted to get out of my ma's house and do something with my life. Keene says he'll leave me the business when he retires and that's something. He wouldn't have done that if I hadn't married Greta."

"Eds, that might be the saddest thing I've ever heard," Richie says.

He's angry, but now he's angry that Eddie let this happen to him, that he let his mother and this town destroy the spark in him. Eddie always tried to see the good in everyone but it just hurt him.

"I guess I always was a loser, just like Greta said," Eddie says, a sad little smile on his lips.

Richie gets out of bed. He tangles a hand in Eddie's hair and kisses him, long and slow, knowing he tastes of Tabaco and Eddie hates it.

"Don't talk about yourself like that."

They kiss and kiss, falling back into bed together, and Eddie stays the night before leaving hurriedly in the morning to go home and change before he takes his mother to church.

Richie decides he's got a week to convince Eddie to leave Derry, his wife and his mother.

[noodles-and-tea]

Yknow that one au

[riacte]

not romantic not platonic but a secret third thing [what would happen between earth and the moon if the earth stopped spinning as illustrated by xkcd randall munroe]

[bamsara]

Finor, the first follower.

[rotisseries]

that being said I'm not actually always opposed to conflict free fluff I am just opposed to the characters having their claws filed down for it. you can stick them in a coffee shop au it should just still feel like you sat the two worst most insane people on earth in a starbucks

[wanologic]

sorry danny, sam will never think you’re cool

[mynnthia]

was talking with a friend about how some of dunmeshi fаndom misunderstands kabru's initial feelings towards laios.

to sum up kabru's situation via a self-contained modernized metaphor:

kabru is like a guy who lost his entire family in a highly traumatic car accident. years later he joins a discord server and takes note of laios, another server member who seems interesting, so they start chatting. then laios reveals his special interest and favorite movie of all time is David Cronenberg's Crash (1996), and invites kabru to go watch a demolition derby with him

[peachebo]

secret lab!au

[aveloka-draws]

Cult of the goat woo

Not sure what they could do in my au yet, but i like them a lot

[krysmcscience]

Did somebody say Bill shouldn't be allowed to swear? I think somebody said Bill shouldn't be allowed to swear. Thanks to that, have these retooled The Good Place jokes:

The "powers that be" can refer to either the Theraprism staff, the Axolotl, or just. Ya know. Disney in general. Or all three! Whichever you think is funniest. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

The "party" Bill's referring to is Weirdmageddon, of course. He was quite the ashhole to everyone back then.

Ford has probably gotten pretty good at the 'tune out your psychopathic ex with dank memes' challenge.

It must be very cathartic to be able to make Bill shut up whenever you want with just the press of a button. I'm sure Ford doesn't abuse this ability at all.

Oh, sure, 'Not now,' he says, before he immediately backs out of the newly-made hole in the Theraprism wall. 🙄

Don't worry, Bill doesn't get far.

also yeah i know this one doesn't have an attempted swear - i just wanted to use the joke because of the massive stink-eye involved in it because it makes me laugh

⬇️ More goofs beneath the brief ramble if you wanna skip it lmao⬇️

Why is Ford even there, you might ask? Well, he either decided he preferred to watch Bill suffer in person over being distantly and repeatedly harassed with the same evil desperation book for the rest of his life, or he got roped into some kind of contrived community service for 1.) all his many counts of interdimensional thievery, and 2.) his ignoring all the very clear warnings to NOT summon Bill in the first place (which I like to imagine is also illegal). Theraprism staff were just like, 'Wait, this guy matters to Bill? Ooh, we can USE that! It might be the only thing that can help him want to get better!' It is not considered that throwing Ford at Bill so soon after Weirdmageddon could instead make them both WORSE - in new and altogether special ways! :D

Anyway, I'm calling it the Community Service AU, and I am most likely not going to do anything else with it beyond appropriating these silly Good Place jokes. So, feel free to adopt the concept if y'all wanna??? Just make sure that Bill is still not allowed to swear, no matter what, full stop. It's gotta be a real linguistic corkblork of a situation for him, is all I'm sayin'.

Finally, have these bonus Good Place jokes, but with Handyman!Bill this time:

'Opposite tortures' doesn't sound so bad...at least until it's an all-powerful chaos entity known for torture saying it.

you may think i forgot mabel's cute pink cheeks but the truth is that i did in fact forget but then immediately stopped caring which makes it okay, SHHHHHHH

And, finally:

lmao this is shit

True facts, if you cram Season 1 Eleanor Shellstrop and Michael into a singular triangle shape, they turn into Bill Cipher. This is science, look it up. Or don't, and just trust the source that is me, bro.

Anyway, I should be in bed, y'all have fun with these, I guess. Tune in after like a week or so and maybe I'll have an addendum to my comic about how Bill was drawn naked for karaoke night. Because him actually being naked was not the only thing I considered as a plausible explanation. XD

Also if you see any inconsistencies or errors in any of these comics, No You Do Not :D

Also also, reblogs are rad as hell and I appreciate every single one, just don't repost, please and thanks. Every time a repost is made, an artist somewhere cries. :,)

[noodles-and-tea]

Last part whoo!!!

PART 1 / PART 2 / PART 3 / PART 4

[rayveneyed]

nanami kento is the kind of man that makes people swoon without even realising it.

he's the kind of man to walk into a luxury store after work, suit jacket folded over one arm and a bouquet of flowers in the other -- his blonde hair still mostly perfect from the high-end pomade he uses. he scours the shelves, frowning to himself, while the attendants whisper and giggle amongst themselves near the tills -- an argument over who will be the one to talk to him, because he's intimidatingly pretty.

("just look at him," one whispers. "he's definitely buying something for a girlfriend."

"a wife," another disagrees. "c'mon. he's giving husband vibes."

someone hums. "but i can't see a wedding band."

"his mother, maybe?" says one other. "oh, i love when guys come in shopping for their mother."

"nobody's mother is getting a bouquet of a hundred red roses--")

eventually, one of them is volunteered as a sacrifice -- smiling and sweet as all attendants should be, she clears her throat. the others, crowded around the till, watch the exchange closely. "excuse me, sir. is there anything we could help you with today?"

her mouth is dry and her hands are clammy -- and when he fixes her with those narrow, burning eyes, her throat bobs.

"ah, yes." and his voice is deep and gravelly and drawling, and her stomach turns. she can only imagine what her coworkers are thinking -- hell, she can only imagine what she's thinking. her mind has stopped short. "my girlfriend likes this brand quite a bit. i thought i'd pick her up something..."

disappointment brews in her stomach -- and it's stupid, she knows it's stupid, because obviously a guy like that is taken. and -- she glances down at the roses -- obviously he treats her super fucking well. of course he does, because why wouldn't he? "oh, perfect! do you have anything in mind?"

"well, actually..."

he ends up buying one of the priciest gift boxes available -- fancy body care and perfume laid out in their signature boxes, decorated with ribbon and dried lavender -- no argument, no fight. he doesn't look for something cheaper, doesn't try to haggle or remove something to decrease the price. he adds, and adds, and adds -- and when she mentions a special offer at the till, a little add on for an extra 2000 yen, he accepts it readily. he inserts a black card into the card machine (of course, a black card), takes the beautifully wrapped bag, and thanks the girls for their services -- and just as he's leaving, his phone rings.

of course he answers the phone with hello, darling. of course he begins to ask his girlfriend about her day, the girls think with some amount of annoyance -- of course. maybe the curse of retail isn't entitled assholes expecting you to wait on hand and foot for them -- maybe it's the handsome men coming in to splurge on their girlfriends while you're painfully single and working for pennies.

[bamsara]

The Time Travel Trope aka each side of the ship travel back in time somehow to the counterpart's past self but in TROD AU

I wrote a mini-draft for this idea that might turn into an actual one-shot but just these for now. Second half is more shitpost than serious cause I really think Narinder would have to navigate a distrustful Lamb very carefully, and Lamb would mess with Bishop Narinder

[fanaticalthings]

next thing you're gonna tell me is that the butts match 🙄

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[084392]

had never heard of "mlp infection aus" until this month and ngl i still dont know what they are but. it made me want to draw some of them getting taken over by their cutie marks or something......

[nemkero]

atla au but nothing changes except sokka is taller and zuko is shorter