#a tiny ass apartment with a bunch of disabled people so after like 2 months we .. had to give her back

[autisticstarseed]

this is not meant to like,,,, idk guILT anyone with pets or smth like you are all great but anybody else out here have personal traumas with pets or just grew up in poverty and didnt get to have them and feel like for most ppl its so integral to their life and just completely normal to them to have these little animals constantly around and they even fantasize all the time abt having their dream pets someday whereas u really are so unfamiliar with that concept you struggle to even imagine having One of them 

[crystalblueskie]

I got bored and wrote some jokes. Tell me if you like them.

So, to get started let me tell you a little something about my family. My mom is disabled and so she has a service dog named Callie Ann...that is such a country white girl name, Callie Ann, amirite? Anyways, so this dog obviously goes everywhere with us: doctors offices, grocery store, restaurants. Normal service dog stuff, you know? But for some reason, everybody stares at her like it's the weirdest thing they've ever seen. A dog wearing a vest walking around Target... I use Target because Walmart is too controversial. Walmart: EVIL!! Target: fair game. Walmart: Trump Target:...any other president. Anyways: dog wearing a vest walking around Target, a vest that blatantly say "SERVICE DOG" on it mind you and random people like to just walks up to us as we and the dog are minding our own business and ask "Is she a service dog?" *Stares bewildered* and every time I'm thinking in my head "I DON'T KNOW, WHY DON'T YOU ASK HER VEST!"..."no, no ma'am we just slapped a service dog vest on her so she can go everywhere with us. Thank you for asking. Goodbye. Have a nice day." Another thing about this dog, I love her to death I really do. It's fun we have a young dog in the house again, she loves to play with anything that squeaks or makes a weird noise, I'm getting exercise again! Yay! But my mother takes it to a WHOLE 'NOTHER LEVEL!! We'll out shopping...*whispers* at Target...and we'll walk past the dog section... I'm trying to walk past as fast as possible. My mom stops right at the mouth of the aisle and walks down it. Shit, I know how this goes. My mom and her dog happily trot down the aisle and her dog smells all of the toy until eventually she smells a toy for more than three seconds...my mom is ready. She talks in that annoying baby voice, you know the voice right? *in an annoying baby voice* "Do you like that toy? Yeah! You like that toy? You want that toy? I'm gonna get you that toy!" SHIT. Toy goes in the cart...We end up leaving the store with more dog treats and a goddamn dog toy. Ever. Single. Time. And I'm over here thinking, if I got a toy every time we left the house as a child, I would have more toys than my tiny, little, ADD-riddled brain could handle. Now a days I'm a old 24 years old. If you don't know what that means, it means I'm mentally 24 years old and physically 80 years old. I'll be walking around the house like this *walks around like an old lady holding my back* and my mom will be looking at me and ask "what the hell are you doing?" And I'll yell back to her "what does it look like? My back hurts!!" I look outside "Get the hell of my lawn, you mangy kids!!" Anyways that obviously means I am a young millennial, which basically means that I remember when Netflix was delivered to your front porch and when Blockbuster was a thing. Also, I was told I needed to go to college or I wouldn't amount to anything. Jokes on them, I still didn't amount to anything. I got a Bachelors in Individualized Studies which means I was indecisive about my major and when I graduated I got a piece of paper basically thanking me for my participation. After 5 years of college, I got a piece of paper thanking me for participating in college. Think about that. This is what happened, I was originally going to school to become a teacher, but to become a teacher you must first waste your time taking a bunch of bullshit teaching classes like "How to teach Math" and then after about 3 years you have to submit a portfolio answering questions such as "Why do you want to become a teacher?" Maybe because I need a job and I was told the only way to get one that pays well was to go to college and I like kids sometimes and I took a course in school where I was basically a teachers assistant for 2 credits a semester and this seemed like the easiest job to get at the rip old age of 18. WRONG!! I was so very wrong!! What my teachers and professors failed to tell me was that to even get accepted into my colleges teaching program is not only do we have to answer the portfolio questions is: you have to pass 2 tests. This is what the TAKS tests were really preparing me for. One test was on Math. At this point, I have not done basic Mathematics in 2 years. The other test was on English and Grammar. I have barely passed my English courses with C's my entire life. The cards were not in my favor. You get approximately 60 minutes to finish each test. They take you into this office and you get a little locker and a key in exchange for your Drivers License. You are expected to place your phone and your purse or bag in the locker. They then place you in a separate room with desks with computer lined up against the wall. And at the opposite end of the room, smack in the center is a person that is paid to sit there and make sure you don't cheat. That is their only job, to sit there and stare at you like this *stares around room* am I making you nervous? *whispers* good. Because that is exactly how I felt the entire 60 minutes. And the thing is they don't even give you scratch paper for the math portion, just a TI-84 calculator. You know the ones that cost like 250 dollars and were fucking MANDATORY in middle school? Little secret about those calculators, they have 4 games on them. Yup. Found that out really quick. I used to sit in class on my calculator and the teachers would be none the wiser as I played the same game on my expensive calculator for the whole hour. I still play on it to this day. Anywho, no scratch paper, just an expensive calculator that I can play games on but forgot how to graph on. And I don't know about you guys, but I can't do math in my head like some people, I'm not wired that way. So, I had to go up to the creepy guy paid to stare at us and ask him for scratch paper. At one point I got so involved in solving a problem that I kept getting answers that were not multiple choice options, that I ran out of time and automatic failed 8 out of about 50 questions. A month later I found out that I somehow managed to get a B on a test I didn't finish. *whispers* I'll take it. So, the first time I turned in my portfolio, I had the tests scores that they were looking for but not the detailed answers to their profound questions. I obviously did not get into the teaching education program the first time. A year later I was allowed to turn in my portfolio again. This time I got smart, I made my sister proofread and rewrite my answers for the incentive of 100 dollars of my financial aid. *whispers* I got in. Now at this point, you're probably wondering why I told you all of this and why I don't have a Bachelors in Early Childhood Education like I intended after I went through the torture of 5 years of college and my acceptance into the TEP and the answer to that is, I showed up to the TEP orientation to be told that I had to take 2 more years of teaching courses and at that point I had been in college for nearly 5 years and I was like "There is no way in Hell that I was going to graduate after nearly 7 years of college just to teach children how to count and what the primary colors are." That was probably my biggest mistake in life. Just FYI, all of your childhoods are a lie. Red and Blue are not Primary colors. Cyan, Magenta, and Yellow are the true Primary colors according to the art wheel. To those of you that don't know Cyan can also be called Sky Blue and Magenta is a bright shade of Pink. We good? Good. The definition of a Primary color is a color that cannot be made by combining any two colors. They just exist in the world as is. Still good? Okay. Blue and Red by definition are not Primary colors because they can be made by combining two colors. Blue can be made by combining Cyan and Magenta. Red by combining Yellow and Magenta. They are by definition Secondary colors, colors that can be made by combining two primary colors. Look at that, you came out to have a good time and I tricked you into learning something, I am a teacher. I'm just kidding, I'm lying I didn't always know that. I always thought the Primary colors were Blue, Red, and Yellow just like all of you. I learned that how everyone learns things nowadays, YouTube. Anyways, moving on. The other day I couldn't sleep to save my soul, I had insomnia. And I noticed the weird way that I lay in my bed. It looks a little something like this. *walks over to a pillow and Petunia laying in the middle of the floor* One moment I'll be laying like this *places right foot on side of left knee* You think that ones weird wait until you see the next one. Next minute I'll turn over and be laying like this *place left foot on top of right knee* and then I'll turn over again and do this *pull legs up closer to my body and place them slightly apart* I don't know what this one is, it's like when Deadpool got ripped in half by Juggernaut in Deadpool 2, sorry spoilers. And his lower half has to regrow and he's standing there in front of the remainder of X-Force and Cable but his legs are that of a toddler. That's what this looks like to me, a grown ass person with baby legs trying to run away from something. And then I'll turn over AGAIN and do this *lays almost on front and places left foot of the side of right knee* know this one , this ones not even a sleep position, this is the fucking tree pose from my beginners yoga class. *Stands up and does the tree pose placing both palms together.* Just *hums yoga hum*. That's what that is right there. Haha. I got so bored one morning around 6 o'clock that I decided to clean the mess that was my closet. I had shoes thrown all over the floor of the closet and smack in the middle was a laundry basket that had all the clothes I had ever worn in 3 months. I opened the doors up *pretends to open doors* and I just screamed *screams* and then promptly fainted. Right in front of my closet. That is how messy it was. And the ironic part is that I have OCD. That mess was too much for my tiny, little OCD-riddled brain could handle at 6 in the morning. Which was ironic considering the fact that I had been living with it for 3 months and my OCD didn't seem to mind. But the minute my brain decided it wanted to clean that mess, suddenly my brain was overwhelmed. It took me approximately 2 hours to clean out the junk filled drawers in my dresser and put all of my spring/summer clothes away. Some of you probably noticed I said spring/summer clothes, that is because my autumn/winter clothes do not fit in my room anywhere. So they lay in a tote, a room away, until the temperature starts to drop, and then I would change them out. Men you don't realize this but every girl you know has more clothes than she can count, and some of those clothes, *whispers* she don't even wear. I have a half a closet full of skater dresses, that I wear once in a goddamn blue moon, just because I wanted to feel pretty that day. Interesting thing about switching clothes out, it's not even a new thing. Back in the 19-whatever's girls and women would have a hope chest that was filled with dresses for the spring/summer time when it was autumn/winter outside, and vise versa when it was spring/summer outside. I learned that story from my beautiful mother over there, because one day I pointed to her mothers hope chest and asked what it was used for. Interesting fact about me and my grandmother is that if you look at pictures of her when she was around the age of 13 sitting at the pool, my 13 year old self looked exactly like her, facial expression and all. My grandma unfortunately died of Breast Cancer 5 years after giving birth to my mother, her only surviving biological child. I say "biological child" because after my grandma had so many miscarriages and stillborns, she and my grandpa gave up and went to purchase a child *whipers* from Target. Haha. I'm just kidding, everyone knows that babies come from heaven and that storks carry them down in their beaks to a random families' front porch and leave the baby there to get stepped one when the Husband or Wife goes to check the mail. Probably the Wife, husbands are useless at running errands. You tell a man to go to the store to get 5 items and he comes back with 1 maybe 2 of the items that you had purposely written down on his arm so that he would remember everything. Do women have to do everything? Even figure out what's wrong with our own cars because we've been asking you to do it for 2 months and you keep saying "I'll take a look at it as soon as I have time." "As soon as you have time, bitch? That's right now!! You're sitting on the couch watching goddamned football and drinking beer. Guess what either you can record or pause your game for 15 to 30 minutes or you can sit there watching it and not have anything to eat for dinner, because I was so busy doing your "job", that I forgot to do my "job"." I put quotations around job because I don't understand why the cooking and the cleaning and the children-taking-care of has to be done solely by the woman and why yard work and fixing cars and sitting-on-there-all-day-watching-the-game-while pretending-to-take-care-of-the-children has to be done solely by a man. I don't work like that. Everyone can do any household job. For example, I have broken the side mirror of my moms car 2 times now. Do you think I was just like "Oh, well, I don't know how to fix a mirror I'll have to take it to Chris to get it fixed." Just FYI, Chris is a real person, he's my mechanic for things that I can't fix on my own. Hey, Chris! I didn't just give up, I did what every person in my generation do, I turned to YouTube and typed into the search bar "How to change the side mirror of a 2005 Ford Focus" *ding* Millions of videos pop up. I click on one, I watch it, I now know the basics for how to change a side mirror on a car, I took me exactly 5 minutes to learn it. How long did it take you Chris? Since then I have now replaced 3 of my mothers side mirrors. One on the drivers side that she did, and two on the passenger side that I did pulling in and out of the garage. Both times. YouTube has gotten ridiculous. Remember way back when when it was filled with music videos and people would post videos of them singing along to the songs. Nowadays, you can search anything on YouTube and find a video on it. For example type in "how to get mangy kids off my lawn" and you will most likely find a ridiculous video on how to keep children and dogs off your lawn. I love YouTube, I watch a lot of gaming videos, some Youtubers that I watch are Markiplier, Jacksepticeye, the GameGrumps (creators of the fabulous game DreamDaddy), The Fine Brothers or FBE, Graveyardgirl or Bunny, and Good Mythical Morning with Rhett and Link. Search any of these Youtubers and watch their videos, and you will not be disappointed. I love how there's a channel out there for any genre. Baking, Cooking, Make-up, Video Games, React Video, and ,my personal favorite, rant videos. Do you guys remember when Chris Crocker did the "Leave Britney Alone" video? He was ugly crying and I'm pretty sure wearing mascara and guy liner and he just keeps yelling into the camera for 30 seconds straight "LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!! LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!! YOU *points at person* LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE AND YOU *points at a different person* LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!!!" And it just goes on like that for 30 seconds of a guy ugly crying over Britney fucking Spears. You thought girls where the best ugly criers, you were wrong, it's the gays. Gays overpower all girl powers by like a 100. A girl will be like "Look at my make up isn't it nice?" And a gay guy with jump out of nowhere add flawlessly apply FaceOff quality make up and be like "you look beautiful, do you like my sexy alien?". Anyways, I just love YouTube, I could watch YouTube video of people playing scary games that look interesting to me but I'm too scared to play *whispers * all day long.