#a parent once told me that she didnt think i needed to lose weight and maybe this was just what my body was like

[xoshepard]

god that mental health post making me ponder how wild masking is

like rly inside me there are two wolves, one can hold a polite conversation or make small talk with anyone ever should the need arise, the other wished for years that they could turn invisible just so they wouldnt have to be perceived by other humans

[feelingbloo]

doing this all at once because im fasting and need a distraction... this shit be getting personal lmao

day 1: your stats

currently 82.2lbs as of writing

day 2: how tall are you, do you like your height?

im 4'10, no not really! definitely doesnt help my bmi out at all, lmao. id prefer to be around 5'4.

day 3: a picture of your thinspiration. what features do you like about this person?

most thinspo kinda rolls off my back and doesnt affect me, so i dont really look at it. blessing and a curse.

day 4: your greatest fear about weight loss

i only have one fear, and its my partner. she (not so subtly) compares herself to me and uses me as thinspo, and i know losing weight will only make this problem worse.

day 5: why do you really want to lose weight? are you doing it for you?

im not sure if theres a real reason anymore. everything i can think of is something that occurred after the disordered eating started, so i dont know what truly drives me. id say im doing it for myself because theres nobody else i would do it for.

day 6: do you binge? if so, explain why you think you do

of course, definitely. most times its due to an emotion, i think ive always used food as a comfort in that way.

day 7: do your parents know you are trying to lose weight? do they care?

they dont, i never told them and they havent found out. i assume my mom would care, my father sorta shuts himself off so i dont know if hed be mad about it or what.

day 8: your workout routine

im physically disabled from an unknown myopathy (my body doesnt produce enough muscle) so everything is a workout to me lmao. i generally walk around for 4-ish hours a day, since i cant quite manage anything else.

day 9: did anyone ever make comments about your weight in a negative way?

no, only my eating habits. i was often told that i ate so much i mustve had a tapeworm, and most of what i eat is "junk food" due to sensory issues.

day 10: what was the hardest thing you gave up during this weight loss?

dude, i fucking miss the liquid calories! in past restriction phases i refused to count liquid cals, and i definitely still lost weight, but not as fast as i would have liked. ive started counting them and ughhhhh.

i didnt cut them out completely, so i still have creamer in my coffee and the occasional soda, but i want my milkshake goddamnit 😭

day 11: your favorite thinspo blog and why

same answer as day 3.

day 12: what do you normally eat?

for main meals i usually have tuna on toast, egg salad sandwiches, cream cheese bagels, ham sandwiches/ham bagels, grilled cheeses, basically just carb + animal product. if we order out its either a cheeseburger or fried rice.

for sides/snacks/small meals i like string cheese, pickles, mini candies, lollipops, pepperoni, if theres any sweets in the house i have some of that.

its a wonder that i even lose weight on this lmao. but OMAD and counting cals is what makes it possible.

day 13: are you losing weight in a healthy or unhealthy way?

i dont think ive ever seen someone answer this with the former option. we're all doing this unhealthily on this side of tumblr.

day 14: whats your UGW? when do you expect to reach it?

ooh, tough one. it seems like everyone has a set UGW but i dont. i feel most compelled towards the number 73lbs, which is the bmi of my LW (15.3). i dont think that bmi is low enough for me though, i'll figure out when i get there.

ive gotten close to that weight a couple times, but ultimately something always happens and i emotionally binge or whatever. no clue about timing.

day 15: are you vegan or vegetarian? if so, has this helped you lose weight? if not, would you consider turning vegan or vegetarian?

ive had lengths of time where ive been pescetarian (vegetarian + fish), it never helped me lose weight.

at this time in my life im not able to limit my diet to that degree, but i heavily support the lifestyle for ethical and environmental reasons. if i move out id likely try veganism.

day 16: when did you first decide to lose weight?

i began obsessively weighing myself at 7, and started to learn purging around 9/10. it wasnt ever something i was serious about, but at 12 i discovered the online ana community andddd... it really just brought out that part of me. so id say 12 is where it officially began, but ive had it in me since 7.

day 17: do you have an eating disorder?

never officially diagnosed but i dont think most people here are. yes, anorexia nervosa.

day 18: what food is your weakness?

i dont restrict what type of food i eat, as long as its under my limit. but my real weakness is food other people give me... i cant resist it regardless of the calories and it makes me feel so dumb. they dont even have to be in the room! it could just be takeout, they dont even have to be the one to cook it!

day 19: when is the last time you ate fast food?

i cant even remember, i almost never eat it since i dont like it. the grease and the oils coat my mouth and throat and it feels so disgusting.

taco bell cinnamon twists are bomb though.

day 20: favorite diet?

the special k diet is funny (literally just eat special k) but i always lose a lot of weight when i do cereal-based diets like that.

day 21: what are your clothing sizes?

ehhhh,,, i dont wear fitting clothes and everything is baggy, do usually womens small or sometimes xs.

my measurements are quite small (26bust, 23waist, 28hip IIRC?) so im below a 00 in most charts ive seen. unfortunately thats just my general size due to my height, im not as thin as people imagine from that by any means.

day 22: what was your lowest weight? when and how did you gain?

73lbs at 12, my height didnt change since then lmao. i experienced some trauma right after getting to that weight, which led to me binging myself back up to 90lbs.

day 23: did the media play a role in your wanting to lose weight?

i think it was more personal experiences rather than the media, however the media likely did contribute once i had already established my disordered eating.

day 24: how do you feel about the terms pro-ana/pro-mia

it depends on the context. in the original meaning, it just meant a space where you could discuss your disorder without actively working towards recovery. i support that heavily.

nowadays, where it usually means people promoting ana/mia as some pretty dainty "lifestyle", fucking ew. what is wrong with you people. i understand wanting to romanticize your disorder (and find others who do the same), but i draw the line at genuinely thinking that disordered eating makes you "better" than others, or whatever bullshit they try to say.

day 25: have you ever purged? if so, describe your first experience.

i have purged in the past, but due to my disability (day 8) i typically cant vomit anymore no matter what i try. the muscle just isnt strong enough anymore to contract that violently.

first experience was harrowing lmao, i had had a bowl of instant ramen and was hallucinating as i was purging it. everything else was so distracting, i dont really remember anything about the actual purging itself.

day 26: what excites you most about reaching your UGW?

the first time i got to my LW, i just remember feeling so giddy and proud and i want that again and again.

day 27: how do you deal with being around food?

if i eat it, im not longer around it... i just have zero self control.

day 28: do you want that gap between your legs? why?

i guess so. its something a lot of people are envious of, and i knew i was happy when i had it in the past.

day 29: your definition of beauty.

this is going to sound "wrong" from an anorexic person, but chubby people. i dont have a fetish for it, i have slept with average people without problem, but i dont think i could date someone who wasnt at least bmi 23... ive found that bmi 25-27 is the sweet spot though.

i just think theres something so attractive about it regardless of gender. like hell yeah thick arms and round stomachs and back rolls. fuck yeah.

day 30: 10 facts about you! and now, what are your stats?

oh god what is this, an interrogation? not saying stats since im doing this in one go.

i draw (hobbyist, nowhere near professional)

i collect animal bones and general knick knacks

garfield and miku are my favorite characters

i tap on everything

i wanted to be a veterinarian as a kid

favorite animals are polar bears and hammerheads

my grandmother wanted me to be named tapestry (what??)

i have dyscalculia

i enjoy making cookies

i can barely whistle

[dracosathenaeum]

OBLIVIATE | D.M.  ABANDONED FIC OUTLINE

Hello~

I’ve had this fic for @fuckingdraco ‘s writing challenge outlined for almost a year now. Half of it is a skeleton; i have some scenes which are fully written out and others which are just first drafts and idea dumps. this is quite literally copied and pasted so good luck if you read it.

I never had the heart to completely delete it but never liked it enough to write it; so here is my 2.2k draft fo what would’ve been a series. 

If anyone decides to read it, be warned, it’s a mess. i just didnt want it to die in my notes so it’s having a life here, in my new section of my masterlist ‘fics that never saw the light of day’.

warnings: memory loss, fight scenes, gore, fighting

//

Being in a secret relationships had its ups and downs

You had to sneak around

But that just made the moments you were together so much more meaningful

You couldn’t brag about him to your friends

But the both of you were quite private people anyways, explaining your absences as studying in odd places

No one ever found out

It was just you and draco

The summer of 5th year was hard as he spent all of it in the south of France with his family

But it made coming back in 6th year so much more exciting

your fingers ached to touch him as you walked past his carriage

It was moments like this that you wish you could openly love him

But when your friends started gossiping about how Harry Potter thought he’d become a death eater, you were suddenly glad you weren’t linked to him publicly

That thought itself set a heavy weight of guilt on you

He came back in 6th year and he had changed

His kisses lost their spark

His eyes lost their light

He’d fuck you rough and hard, almost as if forgetting himself. Before making it up to you in the next instance

Slow love making that made you feel like you had just slept with an entirely different person

You followed him

You supposed you shouldn’t have

But he was skipping meals and you couldn’t exactly talk to his friends when they didn’t know you

You couldn’t confide in your friends as they wouldn’t understand

So you had no other choice

You followed him throughout the nights, and every time you would find him slipping into the room of requirement when he should’ve been slipping into bed with you

Once you had gauged what time he usually went and on what days you yourself went, 10 minutes before he was due

You watch as he fiddles around some ancient looking cupboard and you wonder why you’re jealous of a dead tree taking up dracos time

You watch as he sends things through, until finally it works for him

But its not happiness on his face nor relief

It looks like dread

He doesn’t look like he’s accomplished something, no there was no way

You watch as he takes off his tie, throwing it in the pile of robes and jumper

You watch as he rolled up the sleeves to his arms, the arms that had held you up more times than you could count

And you watch as the dark snaking lines of the dark mark are exposed on your lovers skin

His eyes whip round to see yours, instantly widening in fear

It isn’t until you try to walk towards him and he throws his hands up to stop you do you realise the shattered glass littered around you

He flicks his wand and you walk over, standing in front of him trying to figure out why

“How did you hide it from me for so long.”

“Simple charms, I was hoping you wouldn’t have to find out.”

More dialogue where he explains

“I don’t have a choice.”

“You always have a choice.”

Draco please

“I can’t, I had to take this on my skin because my father fucked up”

“If I, if I stop now, I cant save my mother”

“Draco please, we can find a way around this”

You kiss him

And it feels like you’ve both gone back to before 6th year

When times were simpler

When he loved you and you loved him and that was it

No other interruptions

“Oblivate”

PART 1

“Y/n?”

“I’m sorry, do I know you?”

“Draco Malfoy, we share some classes but we haven’t spoken before.”

“Oh, im sorry, of course. I’m really tired I dont usually forget peoples names I swear. I must’ve been so tired I wandered in, I apologise.”

“It’s okay, the doors over there.” You take that as his polite cue of asking you to leave

He offers a tight smile, one you remember from first year, one you remember seeing across the hall as he’s shut down by Harry Potter

Poor guy must be going through something

“Y/n”

you turn, you dont even hesitate. You dont know what it is but you feel as if you’ve known him all your life

You change and you see a gold ring dangling from a dainty gold chain. You ask your friends if they’ve seen it before

im forgetting so much these days

But you keep it on, it brings you an odd sense of comfort

You keep it tucked beneath your blouse, bringing it to you lips on occasion when youre anxious.

//

He had forgotten about his ring, the very ring you had clasped between your thumb and finger as you worked on your essay. How was he possibly supposed to get it from you

he’s well aware he’s staring but his mind is whirling

He needs that ring

“Draco, isn’t that your ring?”

He should’ve obligated himself, that might’ve been easier

“I’m sure it just looks similar.”

“Draco, we both know that’s the Malfoy famlily crest, I wondered why you stopped wearing it.”

“Wait did she steal it?”

misplaced it

She picked it up

He had to awkwardly walk over to pick it up

“That’s my ring.” You had told him all about how your friends hated him and how you had feigned indifference the entire time

He had to act the part

Youre flustered, eyes flicking between the ring and him, fingers clasping it tighter as if not wanting to let it go

He notices and his heart clenches at the sight

Remembering the night he gave it to you

*flash back*

“I’m so sorry, I must’ve picked it up by accident here.”

“Wait, how do you even know it’s his, prove it Malfoy.”

“My vaults could buy Hogwarts, why would I be stealing gold from a nobody?”

Your cheeks flare up and your friends glare at him but see his side

You struggle to unclasp it, and of course you fucking do because his stupid fucking ass charmed it so only he could take it off

he watches as you struggle with it, turning to a friend to help before you have 6 girls pulling at the very expensive chain on your neck

“For fucks sake youre going to damage it, let me.”

Your breath hitches as his surprisingly warm fingers brush your hair out of the way, fingers working quick to unclasp the necklace, the weight of it leaving your neck and you feel surprisingly empty

“Thank you.”

You watch as he goes, your fingers scratching over your neck, feeling something bubble in your throat

This was pathetic, you were so sad over something that was never yours in the first place

You spend the remainder of the time trying to figure out how you cam to be in possession of it in the first place

//

your name is written in beautiful cursive on a letter that you cannot help but love

You turn it over to see a beautiful wax seal on it, fingers trembling as you break it

The chain is yours.

d.m.

You tilt the envelope over into your hand to feel the familiar weight of the chain in your hand, clasping it around you neck in an instant

You look in the mirror but you dont recognise yourself

Your friends are surprised when you study with them

When you go back to your dorm room at a reasonable time

And you dont have a clue where it is they think you go

But how could you possibly explain to someone what you font remember

The chain is too light around you neck, its just not the same, it feels as if it’s chocking you rather than bringing you comfort

You start digging through your trunk and draws, looking for something to act as a pendant before you finally do.

Hidden at the back of one of your draws you find a little velvet box you dont remember stashing away. But then again, you dont seem to be remembering much these days.

Its a tiny little constellation of stars, charmed to sparkle and you heart wonders why you had never worn it before. It was a simple little charm but once hooked onto the necklace, you look at yourself in the mirror and finally feel as though a little part of you has returned.

PART 2 THE CONSTELLATION IS DRACO

6th and 7th years are a blur

A blur of horror

You dont really understand how life had changed so abruptly

You dont know how you end up fighting in a war at the age of just 18 but here you are

Draco stands with Hogwarts

And then his mother calls

You’ve seen him

Of course you have

You know what he is, know what his parents are

But you also know what he has done to make Hogwarts more bearable for you under the Carrows watch

The small things, diverging attention away from you and your friends

He wasn’t evil and some part of you knew that

You watch as he takes a shuddering breath and starts to walk

You watch as no one stops him

You watch as he loses more of his soul with each step towards mr no-nose

You dont know why you do it

You run

Your friends call your names, teachers joining in

They think youre joining the other side, they think youre fucked in the head, as they had since that incident in 6th year

But no, you were just missing something

you catch up to him pretty quickly, pulling him to a stop

“Ah, another to join my cause. Welcome young lady.”

“You know me. Im missing something but whenever I’m with you, whenever im holding this stupid constellation close to my heart, I feel at ease. Why”

he stares at you incredulously, and why wouldn’t he. Youre in the middle of a battlefield, Harry Potter has just been declared dead and Voldemort is less than a meter away

But you dont feel scared

And you feel stupid for not feeling scared

“It has felt like I dont even know who I am for the past 2 years, what did you do to me?”

You know everyones watching, you can hear the gasps on both sides as they think the worst of him

“I did what was necessary.” That was the first time he had spoken more than 2 words to you since he had gotten his necklace back that day in the library

“Draco, this is no time to be flirting. Come join me, bring her with you if you want.”

He tenses as voldy rests a boney hand on his shoulder, pulling him towards the other side, away from you

“If you won’t be joining us, we will use you an example of what will happen if you dont join us.”

You stare at him unfazed, fear was something you had gotten used to

Your fingers grip your wand in hand, running through all the spell harry had taught you in the da but its not enough

You are no match for voldy as he throws an unforgivable at you

You hear screams around you but all you hear is silence, as if the world had finally gone silent

//

Draco watched as the spell hit you directly in the chest. He had spent 2 years living with his actions all for it to have gone to naught in a single second

He watched as the light from his wand hits you

Before rebounding off you as if it hit a shield

There’s a flash of black and his mother is infront of him, wand out from deflecting the spell from bouncing back and hitting him

“Mother?”

“She’s important to you?”

“She gave him one of the fucking family heirlooms, either she’s important to him or he’s an idiot”

His parents were… bickering in the middle of a battle

voldy recollects himself but before he can talk neville speaks up “I have no idea what’s going on but-”

Draco drowns out the noise as he stares at you on the floor, youre covered in dust and in blood but youre alive

He hears screams as harry rolls from hatreds arms, he hears the cries from death eaters but all can see is you

“We’re switching sides now?”

“I mean he’s fairly distracted, he won’t have time to hunt us down, we owe it to our son.”

Fight scene

You remember everything

Fred Weasley teases the both of you, “we have a war to win, you can fuck later.”

He copy his lazy grin, a grin that lights you up, a grin that reminds you what’s left to fight for

You see the spell before he does

Youre in an arms reach of him but Draco cant reach you in time

You push Fred to the floor, putting yourself in the line of fire by default and draco has to watch you get hit all over again

“We need to talk about what exactly it is ive been wearing around my neck this entire time.”

“I think only my mother can answer that.”

[if you made it this far, send me an ask with the word ‘chicken’ and i’ll send you a cursed photo xx]

[btswishes]

BTS: Reaction to their 16 year old sister not eating enough to lose weight.

A/N:  This is something I don’t recommend anyone doing. Take it as experience from someone who was in that hole. No matter what anyone tells you, you are beautiful and gorgeous. You don’t have to look like anyone else because you are one of a kind. Stay like that. :)

Requested by:  Anonymous 

Request: “  Hello! Can you do a bts reaction to their 16 year old sister being insecure and not eating much to lose weight? Thank you💜 “

                       -----------------------------------------------------------

Jin:

  Jin will try to cook for you the best meals he can think of and find. He will make sure they are healthy and full of nutrients, that they are super tasty, filling and new. “These are all healthy, have plenty vegetables, so you don’t have to worry about anything. You are just 16, I was your age too thinking of stuff like that. Beauty standards are a lie sweetie, you are beautiful by being unique. We will start slow, eat as much as you can now and we will work our way up till you are comfortable. Oppa is with with you, since day one and till day 0.”

Min Yoongi:

  Yoongi is one to observe quietly, but never late to react when the situation is important. And this one was of the highest priority to him, since it was about his darling sister. He would wait for your parents to leave the house and sit down next to you. 

  “Hey there. Are you hungry?” once you say no, he will comment how skinny you have gotten “ Look, I know what you are doing. I am not here to yell or get angry at you. It’s not your fault princess and don’t feel weak for not being able to control it. Things like these happen to the best of us, we are humans. It might be hard to ask for help or open up about it now, but you know I am here for you. “ he would pull out his car keys “How about we go get some milk tea and maybe a cookie or few if you are in the mood? You can get the drink only if you want to, no need to force yourself. If you want to getting something else, tell me. Big bro makes too much money and he can’t use it all up, so you have to help me out. Ok?”

Jung Hoseok: 

  Hoseok is a happy and go lucky boy. He has hard times ,but for the people around himself he wants to be that pill of happiness and motivation. Hobbi would pull you onto his lap and run his hand through your hair “How is my little princess doing? Is she happy? Does she need some love from her brother?” he would rub his head onto you “There, transferred some.Did you get it yet?” Hoseok won’t stop till you giggle “ There is that sweet voice I wanted to hear. What has you feeling like this my little angel? Ah, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t feel ready. We have all the time in the world, so take as much as you need.” his hand would pull your head onto his chest “You know, you were a picky eater since a little bean. I remember cutting myself, making characters out of your food. You seemed to eat it only like that. If you ever feel like you cant do something, come find me.I will always make it fun for the most beautiful and unique princess in the world. How about big bro makes you some fun snacks? We can eat them together and watch a good movie?”

Kim Namjoon:

  Joon is one to do his research before engaging in a talk with you. He would look up all he can find about these situations and what the proper way to handle them would be. “ I got this snack today and I couldn’t finish it by myself. Would you like some?” your eyes scanned it fast and hesitated. It looked delicious but the thoughts were eating you up from the inside “The weather seems nice today, how about we go take a walk while you snack on this? Get in a bit of exercise.” those words hooked you and you agreed in seconds. The sun shined on your skin softly as you were genuinely enjoying the food “ Do you see that tree? It’s pretty isn’t it.” you agreed with your big brother “What if I told you that people don’t think it is.” your eyebrows frowned as you spoke “ But it’s too young to tell, I am sure when it grows more it will have beautiful flowers or fruits.” Namjoon knelt next to you, running his hand over your cheek “ The same way you are the only one who can see the true beauty the tree is hiding, I do too. You are my tiny little tree, I want to keep you safe and make sure you grow up strong. Don’t try to look like other plants.” his finger tapped your chest “You carry your own beauty right in here. You might not see it but with time you will be able to see what has been in front of my eyes. You might find it difficult right now, but reach out to me when you feel down, don’t do this to yourself. I am always here for my princess.”

Park Jimin:

  Jimin is special in this situation. As someone with body-dysmorphia, he would notice your behavior fast. The same signs he showed, the same habits that took him ages to get rid off. He knows oh to well how fast one could fall into that abyss. Jimin wanted to stop this as soon as possible. After he notices things getting bad ,he would walk into your room with some food. When you lie to him about having eaten Jimin would drop the plate on the floor, tears pooling in his eyes. “B-brother?” His knees hitting the floor, hands gripping onto yours as his eyes look up at you “I know I should be your role model, I know oh too well. I failed myself once, I don’t want you to do the same. Please baby girl don’t look at the fashion trends or people that tell you looking one way is the norm.It’s NOT, it will never be. You are so young, so pretty and so smart. I don’t want you to be in the same dark hole I was in. You are worth so much more. It starts with eating less and less, then the regret hits, the fear, the anxiety. It eats you up my angel. I beg of you, don’t do it. Believe in me, let me help you. Please.” seeing your brother cry like this, hearing the words coming from the depths of his heart ,made you cry as you reached out for a piece of fruit he brought for you.

Kim Taehyung:

 Tae likes to laugh, giggle make all kinds of jokes.But in this situation his mind just went blank with panic. He didnt know what to say or do, even though he wanted to immediately. His mind wandered for days until something came up in his mind. “Y/N, get dressed we are going out.” you didn’t know what was happening, but you followed your brother “Where are we going?”you skipped next to him ”To a fashion show.” and he was honest. There were all kinds of people there and you were amazed. The models walked passed you one by one. After it was all over ,Tae grabbed your hand and pulled you backstage. He looked at your shining eyes “What do you see honey?” “Diversity.” came out of your lips “Dark skin, light skin, mixed, curvy or skinny, tall or short, man or women. No one here is the same, but they are all beautiful. Just like you.”He waved at a woman that smiled back brightly and ran over “Hey Yana, this my little sister. The one I told you about.” the woman’s skin softly tinted as dark coffee, she was shining brighter than any diamond. Curves for days and a smile such as the stars. “Oh my I was about to say she is too pretty to be your sister. Want a cookie honey?” you hesitated, but Yana put it in your hand “You need to eat something sweetie there is more don’t even worry about it. You want they say thick thighs save lives.You need to eat to  able to save. Come I will introduce you to everyone else.” They all looked different and beautiful, just like you.

Jungkook:

 Jungkook comes off aggressive at times, but in this situation he would do what he things is best and ask his hyungs for help. He would want all the help he can get. Namjoon will gather info, Hobi, Jungkook and Tae would try to show you the beauty in everything. Jimin with his experience. Suga and Jin would be a tag duo. At the end of the day all 7 of them will be with you no matter what. “Hey, mind if I sit here?” Kookie would push you a bit to the side and plop himself next to you on the couch “ I know I sometimes don’t have much time to spend with you. I just want you to know that no matter what I will first and forever be your big brother. I don’t know if someone told you something, but the Jeon genes are too strong so people get jealous of our beauty and strength. My words sound out of the blue right now, but I hope you would remember them when you look in the mirror next time. It’s not just me that sees this, ask anyone from bangtan and they will agree with me. You look like this because all these features look the best on you and only my pretty little princess. You are my special little sister, when people finally notice how gorgeous and kind you are, I will have to beat them up.” his words made you giggle “I mean it! No boys even after 50!” Jungkook swung a punch in the air “Brother!” 

[imbumkyung]

I Saw It In A Movie One Time (ch. 1) - My

(twilight x reader)

Pairing: undecided

Chapter 2

Warnings: none! But this doesnt include the twilight world just yet

Most of her days were being spent like this lately. At home, walk the dogs, help out mom with the house, say she’ll do this and that— but doesn’t. Except on the rare occasions that she does. Thats why even after a whole month of not going out with her friends and ninety percent of her day being spent at home, her room was only getting messier. And honestly, in 2019, cell phone addictions are to blame.

Hours in her room dressing up with nowhere to go, and even more hours on instagram watching how much fun everyone else was having. In truth, it was a hole she dug on her own, rejecting invites and not creating them. She knew she needed to lose weight before going into the military because let’s face it— she can’t succeed in life any other way if education was never going to work out for her. She needed some sort of security for her future and if college wasn’t going to do it, the military would have to. Or at least that’s what her parents told her.

Though she was content, there was the part of her that wished there was some other way. But there wasn’t. She tried a whole dreadful year of college as an art major, and through that year she prioritized anything but school. She prioritized dancing and her social life. It hit her like a car crash that she couldn’t live on like this especially the the angel on her shoulder telling to her make the right decisions or her parents would find out about her antics. So when the car crash happened while she was supposed to be in school— instead she was on her way to get her nails done— it was the last straw for mom and dad.

The only thing that really made her want to stay away from the military was the boy she was talking to earlier in the year. That stupid boy. Long story short, the heartbreak he gave her really made her realize how strong she wanted to be, and let her dad know she wanted to see a recruiter the very next day. A maybe it was impulsive, but definitely rational.

So there she was, in her room at twelve noon, telling her long time friend Soren that she couldn’t hang with him because “her mom was mad at her and won’t let her go out”.

“It’s all good” he texted back.

Kaileia sighed. The only thing she could do was go to the beach, walk her dogs, go to the gym or wish she was as happy as she saw her friends were on instagram. Until her family vacation to California that was to happen in two weeks from now, passing time would be a burden. Deciding she’d soak in a bit of the Hawaii sun before coming back to her room only to be on her phone some more and possibly make some art, she peeled herself off the bed, prepared herself for the day and took her dogs out for a walk.

Besides the stressful pull of the leash her Border Collie– Athena– provided every time she saw another dog, these walks were always peaceful and provided much headspace. Hawaii was a beautiful combination for magnificent islands and Kauai was no exception. The humidity was just right, the sun was warm enough, the waters were usually friendly just as the people were. With so much headspace, her thoughts had everywhere to go.

“The population of Native Hawaiians are going dangerously low—I’m really no exception. I’m not even full Hawaiian. Poi donuts sound great right now. How are my sister and her boyfriend going to handle a long distance relationship? I wonder if if Kai actually likes football. Does he have a girlfriend? Whoever gets my little brother will be so lucky. I wonder if Keiki is doing okay in middle school. Mom has work tonight. Having two jobs and four kids is so stressful. Let’s not forget that Dad is going to school too— for the sole purpose of making money. The military pays him for it.

I wonder what Mark saw in Jennika that he didn’t see in me.

Her expression clouded, not wanting to remember him. They ended on a good note, but upon seeing that he decided to pursue a relationship with her and not him, it hurt her pride. A lot.

Snapping out of it and watching her two dogs happily walking along the beach, tongues out and frolicking about, she smiled. “These two have my whole heart” She thought.

What if life was different? If I had friends who texted me more than once in a blue moon. If I wasn’t on instagram all the time and I was actually out in the world. If I actually had people to shop with— okay maybe not that one. Shopping with other people around is distracting. But still, I wish I was closer with people.

Life right now was lonely for her. Soren’s invitation was one he sent for the first time in 2 months. Not that it’s his fault. She’d turn down his last one because she was too heartbroken by Mark to see anybody.

Nearing halfway through her route, she whipped out her phone to put on Pokémon Go! After all, it’d be a waste to pass all these pokestops even if she wasn’t planning on catching anything at the moment.

It was 1 p.m. and she was back from the walk. The sound of two little girls and a baby filled the house as they ran around pretending to be Elsa and Aurora in their pink and blue dresses.

She took out a mug and began to steep white tea. After a few minutes of this, she boiled 2 eggs, ate a banana, and made toast to put peanut butter on later.

“Going to the gym later?”, her mom, Mahealani questioned, holding the baby on her hip. She ran an at-home day care while working at a restaurant after 5p.m.

Kaileia cast an annoyed look for a quick second before muttering a “yeah”.

Ever since the emotional conversation to her mom about not wanting to pursue college, her mom made sure she knew that the military would be secure, and that she had to go as soon as possible in order to retire early. Mahea wanted the best for her daughter. The idea was always in her air, but Kaileia wanted to try out college first.

3p.m. Go to the gym because mom told you to

4p.m. Just a few more sets and we’ll go home.

Text from: Miko

Hey do you wanna go to Na Pali later? CJ and Li are coming too

Kaileia smiled, she loved that coast and the fish she could swim with that were within 4 feet high of the ocean

Text to: Miko

I’m down what time tho?

Text from: Miko

We’re gonna go at like 6 do u need a ride

Text to: Miko

yeeeee

5p.m.

”Should I take a shower? I just worked out but I’m gonna go in the ocean,” Kaileia asked Miko over the phone

“Just dont wash your hair I guess honestly I dont know,” Miko replied

“Bitch what if I infect the ocean,” Kaileia jokingly exclaimed

“Bitch, I don’t know! The fish will die I guess!” Miko laughed.

“Amazing,” Kaileia deadpanned.

“Oh and Li’s not coming anymore,” Miko mentioned

“Why?”

“I don’t know I think him and his mans are gonna do crackhead things,”

“I’m surprised,” Kaileia said sarcastically

“Same,” Miko said

7p.m.

Kaileia, CJ, and Miko walked in their swimsuits and towels along the coast, finding their usual spot before running right in. The two girls hair flowing behind them in the wind while CJ’s curls bounced with him.

8p.m.

The trio finally walked out of the water, feeling as if gravity was pulling them harder than usual.

Sitting on the towels, Kaileia suddenly asked, “Do you guys ever wish life was different?”

“Shit is it sad girl hours already?” CJ asked, earning a short chuckle from Miko.

“I honestly don’t even know like— the ocean has me feeling some type of way,” Kaileia explained.

“I wish I didnt have a nicotine addiction,” CJ suddenly joked, while taking a hit from his vape. The girls both laughed. “I don’t wanna be gay no more this shit making me stupid I swear” they laughed even harder at his half-assed excuses.

“Shut up hoe you love being gay,” Miko swatted him while taking a hit

“You right though,” he aknowledged

“You guys radiate crackhead energy like 24/7,” Kaileia said

And it was true. Out of the four— Li being absent— Kaileia was the most “normal” one. Not to say she wasn’t as crazy as them, she just was normal at more times than they were.

The rest of the night was filled with vine references, creating tik tocs on the beach, and taking “Hot Girl Summer” beach photos. Though it was dark, Kaileia decided to go for one last swim, taking Miko with her. CJ stayed behind to enjoy the night time coast while the girls ran in. Kaileia ran faster, underestimating the tide as she was already in 4feet deep and still being pulled in as she was deeper now and the wave aggressively towering over her at 7 feet. Stunned, she held her breath and braced herself.

“Kai!” Miko yelled, panicked

The only thing Kaileia heard after that was the gargling sounds of the unforgiving ocean before everything went black.

Tag list : @sunflowerspectre

Heres the first chapter! Before jumping into the Twilight world, I kinda wanted you guys to know the character a little bit. Thank you for reading! Likes, Reblogs, Suggestions / Recommendations & Critiques are appreciated!!

[strugglingbeingateen]

Weightloss

Weightloss is a bitch! And the only people that can understand what im talking about are the people who have been through it or are currently in the same boat as me. So far I have managed to lose 4 stone. Im proud of it but im not happy yet.

I have been told through out my life by various people that im not good enough because of how i look and it has shaped me into a person i no longer like.

As a child i didnt care that i was fat and the other kids were thin, i accepted myself for who i was, not how i looked. Unfortunately small minded people didnt and those who were too scared to be unpopular because they are scared their real opinion isnt cool enough decided to join in on bullying me and other kids with similar problems.

As the years went by what started off as one comment that stuck in my head, became many and then before i knew it i was depressed.

Yes, depression is a word people throw around here and there and others just think theyre attention seeking but the thing is, i had been such a happy person my entire life i never thought i could be depressed and then one day it hit me.

I felt stupid after months and months of wondering why i felt numb and why i would cry almost every day in my room alone, i realised i was depressed. I remember when it happened, i was pushing away all my friends with out even really knowing why, being horrible to them but deep down i knew i wasnt good enough to be their friend and i remember sitting alone in my room like i did every time i wasnt at school, id just lay in the dark and it was like a lightbulb going off in my head and i was just like...well shit.

Im not the type pf person who likes to share emotions or my feelings and im way to lazy to hand write a diary so this is what im going for, i dont care if people read this or if it just sits unread, when i have finished losing this weight i want to know how i felt through it all, because its easy to forget.

Anyhoo, it took me a long time to pull myself out of the depression and the way i did it was i started walking, this was the start of my first serious diet, i lost 3 stone on this diet. I was getting very very over weight and i decided the cause of all my problems was that i wanted to be thin and i wasnt.

What started off as a 2 mile walk a day soon turned to 4 and then before i knew it i was walking 18 miles a day, running 1 and a half and cycling 6 to 8. ( by this point it was the summer holidays) everything hurt and i was hungry all the time because i went from eating 4 peoples intake of calories a day to 1 and that shifted a lot of the weight but as the diet went on i got tired of doing so much every day and waking up feeling and looking the same at least in my eyes, so i quit.

I put on 2 of the 3 stone i had lost and i didnt even care. I had decided that being fat was who i was and who i am meant to be. Up until this christmas, i was around my family who are all relatively healthy and i was saw us all sitting and eating in the mirror next to the dining table and i just felt lost, everyone smiling and laughing while i sat staring at this reflection of me thinking how disgusting i was and how unhappy i was again and its all because i was too stupid to cut down and change the exercise to fit what i needed and a realistic goal each day instead of quitting entirely.

So i swore, this new year i am going to lose the weight and even though over the past 7 ish months there have been bumps in the road and a couple times where i quit, i got back up and am now 4 stone lighter than i was at the beginning of the year.

I know many people have secret opions on overweight people and some not so secret, i know a lot of people who call fat people ugly when im around and i just turn to them and say ‘being fat and being ugly arent mutually exclusive’ and i watch ad their face falls and they realise that there is a fat person standing right next to them, i then watch as they struggle to find the right words to say and stutter and i remember with this one guy i just said ‘look, i know im fat’ he looks so confused, he was stunned as if he thought i was completely clueless and he said ‘you know?’ And i remember laughing and saying ‘of course i know, i have eyes and a brain, i can put two and two together just as easy as a thin person’ he looked to confused and i just remember how funny his expression was and i just said ‘i cant believe you didnt think that i knew i was fat, even if i never looked in the mirror, the size of my jeans or down, the people shouting fatty at me would clue me on’

In my opinion, being fat and ugly are two different things, i think someone being ‘ugly’ is just an opinion each person has about different people, some to do with looks and other personality. I think beauty really is in the eye of the beholder because i remember this girl who was my friend, i thought she was absolutely stunning, so perfect and just amazing and then my brother genuinely didnt find her attractive in any way shape or form, he said ‘i dont know why you think she is so pretty, she is bland and is as thick as two short planks’

I defended her over and over again until i saw her true face, not the one that you might think, she didnt take off makeup and look completely different or anything, she was a natural beauty, i mean we fell out, actually its a bit more complicated than that, i fell out with a mutual friend and no one asked but she chose the mutual friends side, me and the mutual friend just ignored each other but this other girl, she used me to make herself popular, she spread lies and rumours about me and got her new found ‘friends’ to torment me, every day they would ask me questions about rumours that i didnt even know about and they harrassed me, she just stood there and watched, sometimes she would laugh but she would never get involved, i guess she was too scared or was telling herself she wouldnt stoop that low and bully me but the way i saw it was she enjoyed watching me be harrassed and embarressed and tormented every day, where ever i went and she wouldnt speak to me when i spoke to her, she just ignored me like we had never been best friends, like she thought she was better than me. Like i wasnt good enough. I ended up spending more time at home than in school just because i couldnt get out of bed in the morning because i knew what was waiting for me at school. My mum soon figured out what was happenening and wanted me to go to the head of year so i agreed, i would but i wasnt saying any names, not only because i didnt want to be a snitch but a part of me still had hope that we would be friends again and i didnt want to hurt her. I ended up moving forms from the one she was in but that still didnt stop them, my parents started getting annoyed that i wouldnt go to school and they would shout at me and every day was a struggle. I just couldnt believe that my so called best friend of 8 years could change into this bitch. If it wasnt for my other friend i wouldnt have gotten through it.

Once i saw this side of her i no longer saw her as beautiful, i still knew people would and i couldnt deny she was pretty but being beautiful means inside and out in my opinion and the only thing she was inside was rotten and she still is. Its been over two years now and im not in school anymore im in college, the people that bullied me, some go to my college and they laugh and slag me off when they see me but luckily the girl stayed on for sixth form. Me and the mutual friend actually made up a little over a year ago and actually see each other quite often, when me and the bitch originally fell out, i remember people that were mutual friends asking me why and i said because shes a bitch and they would defend her, i have seen all of them and each one of them have appologised and said they were sorry because now they realise how right i was. The original mutual friend me and the bitch fell out about actually hates her now and i have just realised recently that these so called ‘friends’ the bitch have, dont really care and when they go off and live their own lives, they will leave her behind because they dont really care and this bitch i have heard she has no plans for the future, not that there is anything wrong with that but it just goes to show that popularity may matter to her now but what happens when there is no one left to be your friend and to show off to.

Anyway after all this i have become a better person, not the best version of myself yet but im getting there, i have learned what really matters to me and who really matters and i dont want to be thin anymore, i want to be fit, healthy because the trusth is no matter how much i want to deny it being overweight is unhealthy, both mentally and physically. The reason i know im going im going to get where i want this time is because i am doing it for me, because i want to feel and look good, not to show off to others or take revenge on this bitch.

Anyways i know this probably wont be read, but in case it is, i cant be bothered checking on spelling and grammar so sorry if its a terrible read i needed to get that off my chest

[pockyplay]

Dear 2018,

I really wanted to make some time today to write this reflection about the year 2018. It was really hard, made me realize that you have to fight for what you want or else you will always be there wanting it. You have to make the changes of you life, not the person you love, not your family, not your friends, it’s you and only you. It also makes me sad me that tumblr is not the same anymore :(, i really wanted to go back but i just felt like it was not the same anymore(and no im not talking about the porn being censored lol). I will always remember  the golden age of tumblr like the first pokemon game i got, all the time that i spent having fun will never come back again. Failure is party of your life, I just couldnt get back to tumblr and I remember it was one of my new year’s resolution of 2018. Tumblr was so precious to me because it helped me, it motivated me when i felt alone, that’s why it’s hard to see tumblr dead.

The highlights of 2018 that i could think of is just bad experiences, to be honest i need to go back to my instagram to check what i posted through the year. 21 pictures were the total of posts that i uploaded on instagram this year, and for me it seems sad. At the beginning of the year I was depressed because I couldn’t find a job, I only saw my boyfriend like 3 times and went out to eat with my friends twice. The scariest part of 2018 was when i got surgery, it was my first time and i was so scared you guys have no idea. My gallbladder didnt work so they had to remove it. This happened when me and my boyfriend planned our 3 year anniversary vacation, we paid everything and at the end of the day it was cancelled due to the surgery that happened in 3 days. Also what it got me depressed is that my “family” aka aunts, brothers and  cousins never visited me when i was at the hospital and i couldnt believe that my boyfriend traveled 1 and a half hour in plane just to be with me. During my recovery i felt so loved, my boyfriend stayed with me in my house, in my room taking care of me. He made me breakfast, helped me shower and helped me get up from bed, I was disabled couldnt do anything. My parents were also there for me and my friend who is a nurse, i really appreciate them.

Also my younger brother got married on May 2018, his wedding was cute that motivated me to do the same. During the same month i got a job in a call center, sure i hate it but i get paid enough to survive and get out of my house and live on my own with my boyfriend. That was my plan, to save up money and finally live together with my boyfriend, however, once you plan something, life has another plan for you. My dad has an unstable job, something he gets paid hella good and sometimes not. Since i started working on May he has been asking me for money and of course he is my dad and i cant say no to him. Every paycheck i was giving him $200, $300 and one time i gave him $600, i was feeling really depressed because my goal was to save money and get out of my house and live with my boyfriend that we have been in a long distance relationship for a while. I was looking at my goal each fay further that I got depressed and was about to quit work, i was so frustrated and stressed because i had to help my dad due to the economic situation that we were passing through but i also wanted to live my life. My hair was falling, im still going bald and during that time i didnt felt like putting makeup i was so sad that i was about to give up everything. My mom noticed how sad i looked and she asked what i wanted for life, and i told her that i just wanted to be with my boyfriend and told me to go ahead, to marry him. Since that day i told my dad that i was sorry but i wouldnt be helping him anymore with the money since i want to get married with my boyfriend and need to save money. Currently im still saving money but I dont how to plan a wedding i just wanted to do everything in one day but of course is impossible but we shall see what 2019 bring us.

I did lose some weight due to the surgery but im motivated to lose more weight for my own wedding and for the stream. I’ve been wanting to stream since last year but i just couldnt do it due to the internet speed that i have. I decided to go to a cyber cafe to stream league of legends but my bf and my mom is alredy against that idea 🙄. I see this streaming hobby as a motivtion to keep going but people keep telling me no an being negative 🙄 its annoying. The drawing resolution i was really consistent and i was proud of my progress but since i got a full time job i just couldnt do it anymore.

My new years resolution is to get married with Diego, move out from my parents house, exercise more, volunteering work to get more involved in the juvenile criminal justice community and be happy.

[rose-coloured-angel]

For those who dont know, my mom had surgery to lose weight. Had that thing where they staple your stomach to make it smaller. She's getting older, and she was really skinny for her whole life, so her body isn't used to being big, y'know?

Here's the thing

She's very vain

She'll deny it, but I mean, c'mon. Her whole life she's been the thin, gorgeous blond. All the men loved her, she was paper thin, she made good use of what she calls the "dumb blonde" act. It got her out of driving and parking tickets numerous times.

There are pictures of her all over the house. Not even family pictures, just pictures of her. Thin, gorgeous. Professionally done by men who thought she looked dazzling.

And they're not wrong. She looked like a model.

Cut to post-children and menopause years later. She starts gaining weight. She complains, and complains, and complains. Guys stop going after her. She has terrible eating habits. She can no longer for into her clothes and saves them for when she starts "working out" to lose weight.

Why is this an issue?

I have been "the fat kid" my whole life. I hated clothes shopping. I was always told to wear clothes that would make me look thinner.

"At least you have big boobs," my mother said. "Boys like that."

I spent my entire childhood worried about what boys would like. Boys never liked me. I hated myself. I hated how fat I was. I had an eating problem. Nothing was ever enough. I loved sweets and ate them whenever I could. I would sneak food, and I ate whenever I was upset.

(My father always took my brother and I on walks. One day, he pulled my brother aside and said "You don't want to end up fat like your sister, do you?")

I started running. I stopped eating. I had a slice of bread in the morning. I didn't eat at school. I said I wasn't hungry. I lost weight (and hair), and I started going to bed at 5 PM to avoid dinner and wake up at 5 AM so I could tell people "I already ate breakfast". For once in my life, boys noticed me. They asked if I had a boyfriend, and if I would like one. One boy asked me out (I didn't go out with him, though. We were both too nervous). My mother was so happy that I could fit into clothes. I worked out so much that I could lift up to 100lbs. I ran and ran and ran. For once in my life, people thought I was beautiful.

They didn't notice that I was losing hair, or that my finger nails were always broken. They didn't notice that I never got sleep, even when I went to bed so early. Sometimes I didnt bother to sleep; I once stayed up for 48 hours straight. I fainted after running a mile.

I moved back in with my mother. I went to a new school. I thought I was finally thin enough.

Kids made fun of how I "jiggled" when I walked, so I stopped running. I stopped wearing gym shorts. I started eating again. Two sandwiches in the afternoon when I got home, after already having breakfast, and lunch, and then having dinner when mom got home. Then she would come home from a whole day of not eating, and she would be hungry, so I would make her food and eat some myself. I gained weight again, FAST. I still wasnt sleeping.

Cut to a few years later, and I'm in high school. I try again. I try being healthier and I participate in gym class, but I still dont run as much as I used to. I try to get enough sleep, to eat enough. I am gaining more weight.

I tried to be girly, and my mother loved it. I tried so hard my whole life to be someone, to figure out who I was. The only thing I never tried was being "girly". So I got girly clothes and did girly things and cared about looking thin and pretty.

I still wasnt happy.

A month later, I find out I'm transgender. My friends start calling me Nathan, and I use he/him pronouns at school. I DO NOT tell my family. I'm terrified of what they'll say, or do. Kaitlyn Jenner comes out as trans (I dont like her as a person, but I respect her as a human). I ask my family. They hate her.

"Being a transgender is only a fad"

I realize I can never tell them.

Sophomore year I start signing my homework and classwork as Nathan, and I ask to be called Nathan in class. The school tells my mother. She tells my father.

I havent seen my father in two years. His family doesn't associate with "people like [me]".

My mother blames anything she can. Daddy issues, an excess of testosterone they found in my blood work, a phase. My brother says I have "betrayed him and God".

I feel like shit forever. I hate myself even more. I start self harming again, I stop working out even at school, I eating like I'll never have food again. I try to kill myself.

My mother finds put two weeks later after I fail. (I told the school counselor. They said they have to notify parents of a suicide attempt. I beg them not to, my mother will be outraged. "I'm sure she will understand," they said. "She will want to help you.")

"How dare you?" My mother screams. "How many more times are you going to do this to us?" (This is not my first attempt, and will not be the last time I plan to take my own life)

She accuses me of wanting attention and "happy pills". I am officially diagnosed with clinical depression, something I told my mother I thought I might have when I was 14 years old.

"Dont make mountains out of molehills," she said. "That's just normal teenager stuff." (I dont think normal teens plan their own deaths at least five times a week)

She tells me she had ignored my cutting for years be cause it was "only for attention". She wont let me take pain medication.

I remember when she told me about being a child and drawing strange things, and saying that she always knew I would try to take my own life one day. So why didnt she do anything?

I try every day to love myself. She gained weight, and for once in my life, she admits she made mistakes, that she understands now. How people treat you when you're fat. How hard it is to find clothes, to feel good, to live your life.

She gets surgery. She gets thinner.

She will never be happy, and I realize that now. She has lost so much weight (and hair, and sleep). She complains about any bit of fat or skin on her body. Men pay attention to her again.

She says to me "Maybe if you got surgery and lost weight, you would start to love who you are as a woman."

I am outraged. I am shattered. Five years. That is how long it had been since I first told her I wanted to be called Nathan. I thought we were finally getting somewhere. I thought I was finally happy in my own body (maybe I still need to transition, but I want to be happy). I try so hard, EVERY. SINGLE. DAY to be kind to myself.

Then mom complains in the mirror.

She talks about how nice she looks now.

She can finally fit into clothes.

She points out actresses on the TV. ("She used to be so fat", "Oh my gosh, she's so thin", "She got a nose job, look how huge it used to be!")

I hurt. God, it hurts. I just want to be happy. I WAS happy. She'll NEVER be happy.

And now I dont know if I will be, either.

God damn it.

[leointhemoon-blog]

my past with dieting

wow, i think this post might end up being long.

to begin with, i was a fat kid from the very start. i don’t think i was obese but i was, i guess, overweight. now that i look back at it, it might have been the baby fat that added to the illusion. or maybe not, since i was fatter than everyone else in my grade. 

before i even started school, i was just known to my family as that toddler that loved to eat. as with every story about eating disorders (disclaimer: i never really had an eating disorder but i guess... i almost did if that’s possible.), a likely factor would be the bullies. so in my story, my first bullies would’ve been my relatives. 

it’s funny because the word and notion of “family” are supposed to resemble people who support you and care about you. i’m not saying my family doesn’t, but i guess they just have the worst ways of showing it... maybe it’s part of being asian? 

anyway, i would remember when my parents dropped me off at my uncle’s place. he’s the second oldest brother of my mom. the uncle would every so often pick at me and say “oh who’s the chubby baby? it’s you” or some cringey baby talk that people do to toddlers-- except it’s usually “who’s a good girl” not “who’s the chubby kid”. lol. there was my cousin, his daughter, who is like at least a decade older than me who didn’t hide her dislike towards me and constantly ask “why do you eat so much?” i often didn’t answer because tbh, as a really young child, i wasn’t much of a person that reacted.

they weren’t wrong ofc. i actually did eat a hella lot. damn, i was a fat kid, deadasssss. even my mom joined on in the pinching of my belly and teasing. i think my first time being self-conscious about it was when i kept sucking in my belly as much as possible when my mom tried to force me into some uncomfortable ass jeans.

when i was a student at my third elementary school (my family moved multiple times), that’s when the bullying started. there’s a ton to say on that matter, maybe i’ll make a separate post, so i’ll just talk about the moments that really matter here. in general, the girls would often refer to me as the fat kid and sometimes would even throw in a comment or two. damn, why are kids so mean sometimes? even now, as a near young adult, i still see kids bullying each other and i can’t help but sigh in disappointment how it’s innate nature of humans to bully others. it’s kind of ridiculous. if you’re going to dislike someone, don’t show it enough to make them feel utterly terrible about themselves. if it gives you power to do so, you’re rotten trash. literally, you’re the real ugly one here.

i remember once when i was sitting a couple of rows behind the rest of the girls in my class in the auditorium of my elementary school, i was watching them talk. and they talked loud so i heard everything. they were just saying stuff like “i do this to my hair to make it look prettier” and “omg your hair is so long it’s so pretty”. i guess they caught me staring so one just smiled and said “(my name) can never be pretty enough with that short hair” to which another said “she’s kind of fat anyway”. ok, first of all-- i loved my damn ass dora the explorer hair cut ok? i was excited to go to the barbershop as a child to request the dora haircut specialty, bitch, i rocked it. i was sorta hurt by both the short hair and fat comments but like again, i didnt say anything i just looked away. 

after that, the next time my dad brought me to the hairdresser, i was rebellious as heck. i didnt want short hair. i wanted to keep it long. but you know, there’s only so much 6 year old me can do, so i got my hair cut anyway.

fast forward to fifth grade. after years of constant teasing about my shape and weight, i think i had my awakening after i finished some good ass sandwich at barnes and nobles. i told my mom i was going to use the bathroom and so i did. after washing my hands, i looked into the mirror. ahh, the mirror that makes all the self-conscious people shudder. but i think i had never felt extremely self-conscious and distraught until then. 

nobody was in the bathroom at that time, so i was brave enough to continue staring. i took in the sight of my flabby arms (which honestly wasn’t that flabby but it wasn’t thin) and most of all, my round belly. i was horrified as i turned to the side and gaped at how my stomach protruded out of my abdomen. it was like i have never noticed before. then as if a dam has been broken. all those comments and pinching at my body flooded my mind, screaming at me that yes, you are fat. you just realized? again, remind you, i literally wasn’t obese. i was overweight. two totally different things. if i want to make myself feel better, i guess i was borderline overweight only but idk, i was still fat. 

i went home that night looking up on the internet “how to be cute” and “how to be pretty” like the naive kid i was and i gave up reading on tips on how to stand or how to dress. i decided i was going to diet. 

when i refused to eat more when my mother offered another helping at dinner, i told her i was going to diet. immediately, she yelled angrily and was probably shocked, like who gave my daughter that idea what-- i was and still am a stubborn person so i persisted... i’m not going to go too deep into this because it was often just her trying to feed me and me trying to eat less and less. 

i remember when we were at this shopping mall we frequently visited and i was in the dressing room trying to fit on new bras. when my mom helped me buckle up my bra after i finished trying on things, she said, “(my name), you got skinnier. i don’t even need to clasp your bra at the outermost row.” there were three sections for adjustment. i had managed to go from the outermost one to the innermost one. her voice held disappointment, but my heart had felt so light. i was elated.

this continued on into sixth and seventh grade. that’s right, it continued on deep into middle school. except it gotten worse. not only was i cutting down on portions of meals at home, i even did so at school. i skipped lunch, opting to avoid the lunch lines. i managed to skip breakfast when one day i got the idea of lying to my mom. “dont give me breakfast at home. i can just eat the school breakfast” to which she believed and sent me off to school without realizing i really wasn’t going to eat anything. i spent classes with awkward stomach growling. at that time, i didn’t know people could hear your stomach make noises when it’s hungry so i was fine with it lol. i slimmed down by a whole lot. 

just to mention, if you’re going to lose weight, make exercise a thing. don’t strictly diet like me. i should’ve probably exercised but nah, i just depended on eating less or not eating at all. like any other rant, i’ll mention this: the rough start of my depression started at the beginning of eighth grade.

i was sick of “friendships”. sick of being used. sick of being second or third or anything else not first. sick of being manipulated. sick of being easily thrown away. most of all, i was just so sick of myself. i felt like i could never be able to have a friend. a friend i could depend on. i cut off all ties, if they barely even existed. i went into complete isolation. eighth grade was the grade i spoke not a single word to anyone. unless ofc i had to answer some question in class or do some group discussion. but even then, i honestly went so quiet. more quiet than i ever was before.

when i did speak a word outside in the hallway once, my classmate thought he was funny and said “wow, (my name) can talk?” and laughed like it was just that damn funny. idk bro, you got nothing better to laugh about? it’s nice that i matter so much to you, you had to make a comment, let alone say my name because clearly my attention wasn’t even on you in the first place. 

anyway, hell yeah, i was hella emo. and when i’m emotionally depressed af, my appetite is ruined. starting that year, i fell into constant times of not feeling like eating. by then i was already thin enough i guess. i admit, i wasn’t skin and bones. but i wasn’t overweight anymore. my skin grew paler. it became harder for me to stand up without feeling lightheaded. i began catching colds more often than i ever had before. none of that deterred me from dieting though, despite by the start of my depression, i was already midway through not strictly dieting anymore.

depression continued that for me though. it hurt to eat sometimes. when i feel like crying, when my throat feels rough, my heart feels heavy, why add to the pain by forcing myself to swallow food? i’m not bulimic, i never was. i just avoided food. i would constantly protest “mom, i’m not dieting, i really just am not hungry.” did i ever mention that throughout my years and still up to this day, my mom would constantly throw shade at me for choosing to diet in the past? it hurts every time she does. in fact, i started writing this long ass post just because she did it again today. 

i think she also started to notice my increase in depressing mood so sometimes she won’t say much if i refuse to eat. it was like my body hurt when i saw food and my mind drove me somewhere else to avoid the food placed in front of me. food repulsed me. my stomach turned at seeing it. near the end of eighth grade, i gotten into my first serious relationship with some girl 2-3 years older than me online. it lasted for about a year. honestly, it was a very rocky one. i constantly felt depressed. she was depressed too. she made me feel more depressed than i’d be if she wasn’t there, if i had to be honest. 

the week following after our breakup, i was utterly broken. 14 year old me had no idea what i was supposed to do. it was halfway through my freshman year at high school. i didn’t have much friends. i only had one. even then, they weren’t there to support me. the other one...who’s now my best friend...i had lost her contact number. it wasn’t until four months later til i finally got in touch with her again so she wasn’t there to help me through my post break up either.

if me skipping meals often because of emotions was bad, this week was the worst. i legitimately didn’t eat more than 3-4 small bites of food a day. even now, i’m surprised how i managed to survive that week on so little food and how my mom didn’t even say much. she did notice and ask “why arent you feeling hungry these days? something wrong?” to which i’d brush off. i cried a lot. a hella lot. most of the times, it was heaving like i was trying to throw up my heart. i mean, i still have my crying sessions as i’m still...hella...depressed and yeah it feels like that. it be like that sometimes. and then the moments besides “most of the times” was me sniffling on the school bus because i just couldn’t stop thinking about it.

i could’ve killed myself. i nearly could’ve. midyear exams were coming. the stress from both school and my personal life was overwhelming. my body was destroyed. but somehow, i manage to overcome myself and get myself back into focusing on the exams. damn, i was hella scholar. now i’m not though lol. but then, i was focused since i was only a freshman that had just gotten into a prestigious school. the exams had managed to make me forget about what happened temporarily.

now, i still constantly look down on my body and wonder if i’m too fat. i still fat check. i squish my thighs, stare at them, hold them, then stare again. i look at my belly, i pinch it, i stare, i hold it tight wishing i can make the fat disappear. i’m not fat per se. people now call me skinny af, call me a pile of bones (i’m not, they’re exaggerating but i wish i was tbh). i hold my arms, squishing them to see if they’re too thick or not. i still look in the mirror observing the width of my body. i still try to calculate how much i’ve eaten on a daily basis. thinking about what i ate today and how much i’ve eaten. 

perhaps, i’m not actively starving myself anymore, but those actions of paranoia and self-consciousness never left me...my stomach is probably ruined. will that stop me? probably not. i’ll be honest.

[shurgy-blog]

TW// my youth

I was raised in a socially restrictive household. My parent's were semi religious and I was quite content until I began rapidly losing friends because of the strict social restrictions my family had set on me. Having been raised in such an environment, as I grew older and the contrast between me and the other children grew starker, I began to try to squeeze myself into molds of those other children, which obviously wasn't healthy at all. I was a compulsive liar due to the lack of stimulating activities I experienced out of school. I wasn't even allowed to go to or invite friends to my house until I was thirteen. Elementary me was an outcast with little to no friends, only known as the pretentious smart kid with greasy hair who's too good to speak to anyone else. By the time I was in fifth grade, I had already learned the definition of isolation, loner, and suicide and my preferred method of it: overdose. I even joked about it with my friends.

At the end of sixth grade, I had my first suicide attempt. I was in the bathroom of my middle school, crying and trying to wash the blood off of my knuckles from picking at them. My best friend had been diagnosed with lymphoma and had told me that morning (i later learned that was a lie and didnt speak to her again) and it had sent me into a depressive episode. I took out the ibuprofen I used for my chronic headaches and downed 52. Yes, I counted and I still remember the number to this day. I was rushed to the hospital soon after because i told my friend and she told a counselor.

I was diagnosed with ADHD soon after once I was prescribed a therapist. I don't think that was accurate though; most things i told her were lies. Too afraid to make myself look bad, too afraid for even someone made to help people like me think I'm strange. Almost everything i told her I didn't experience was a silent yes in my head. I was given hydroxyzine and put out of the system because there was nothing really wrong with me.

My second suicide attempt was seventh grade. Gender and bodily dysphoria were the main causes of this one, although i didnt even know until much later. I dont know exactly what I took, but I do know it almost killed me. One of the many (and i mean many) variations of pills i took was an opioid and sent me into wild hallucinations the next morning. I remember my mother yelling at me, even slapping me, and telling me she was going to have me institutionalized.

I was taken to the hospital and if youve known me for a good while you know that this is where I fell in love with Harry Potter. It helped me through a lot (even though i was mad cringey). I was prescribed another therapist once i recovered from the spinal tap (at first thought i had spinal meningitis) and again, I lied over and over to this woman. Guilt and nervousness and shame over my own strange, impulsive thoughts overpowered my need for help. I was discharged from that too.

Anxiety, body dysmorphia, depression and drug abuse stemming from my gender dysphoria and childhood of neglect have made life difficult, like a weight on my stomach that grows heavier each passing day. I'm not better. At all. I've been contemplating something positive to end this with for the past ten minutes, trying to come up with another lie. I'm doing terribly and I wish everything were different, I wish I had people who care enough about me to lift the weight, but I don't. I can't stand it, I wish it would stop pushing down and crushing everything good but it's merciless in it's efforts and the more I try to push it down the stronger it grows. I just want it to stop.

There you go. I was originally going to pump this full of propaganda saying how it gets better, but it really hasn't for me and I don't think it ever will.

[lifestyleofemily]

12/26/20

Why I ghosted you

It didn’t just happen out of nowhere but more like a lot of things added up to this. I still remember the moment we became friends. At that time I didn’t really have a good relationship with my family so friends were the most important people in my life. You included. You were one of the few friends back then who showered me with love, understanding and support. You were an easy-going person. You didn’t think much when you talked so everything you said was of no malice. I always had a lot of fun with you because you didn’t care what others thought of you. You never judged me for anything I did. You were always there for me. When I had a fight with my mom and refused to eat you would bring me food so that I wouldn’t go hungry. You would always tell me that I could move in with you if anything ever happened. I loved you for all that. It may sound childish but I always wanted you to see me as your best friend. I wanted to be most important person for you after your family. I wanted to be the person you could confide in if anything were to ever happen. I was obsessed over the title of a ‘best friend’ I mean I was only 13 at that time who can blame me right? It meant that I was of the same importance as you were to me. However, In all those years I could never become your best friend. Back then I couldn’t become your bf because you already had one when we first met. After you and your best friend drifted apart you chose someone else to fill that spot. I admit I acted like I didn’t care about who it’s gonna be but I was actually hurt when the person you chose wasn’t me but someone else. Someone you met after me. I know it doesn’t matter how long you know someone but how deep your relationship with the other is. The reason I was hurt was because I felt betrayed, you would always say that I was the most important person in your life and so on but you would never put an actual label on it. It’s just a title but it still hurts when you’re an insecure 13 year old teenager who needs confirmation about her importance in someone else’s life. I think that was the beginning when everything slowly changed.

I chose to pretend that everything is fine. Maybe it’s because you were the first person I held so dear to me. Whenever I met someone knew I would always introduce them to you because I wanted you to be part of my life. I wanted my friends to be your friends. I wanted us to be happy together and sad together. I was happy you always got along with all the People I introduced you to. I was also sad when every single one of them told me they enjoyed your company more than mine. I was scared they would take you away from me. If they did I would be alone again. I never told you to stop getting closer to them because I didn’t want to sound obsessive I also didn’t want to put too much pressure one you. That’s why I tried very hard to be a fun and outgoing person just like you. But it was never enough. Thinking about it now it sounds toxic. I sound toxic. I was way too obsessed with you I know that. It’s like when you start showing kindness to a child that was never loved. They will think of you as a hero. That was the same for me. My parents divorced when I was a still a toddler. I was raised by my uncle and his family till I was 5. I started living with my mom and her new husband when I was 6. At first I was over the moon I mean I could finally live with my mom who I havent seen since I was a toddler. You know my mom she’s not the kind of person to show affection or love. She’s strict to the core and has high expectations for her kids. Anyone who met my mom was afraid of her. My childhood was painful but because I had you who would always make me laugh I still enjoyed life. There were many times when I thought of taking my own life but I was too scared of the pain. More than the pain I was more scared of leaving my friends behind. Especially you. Not my family but you. Dying is easy for the one that’s dead because once they are dead they will no longer feel any pain. However, People who are left behind have to deal with the pain and aftermath. People always say people who commit suicide are weak. They are too weak to keep on living. But what if living on is more painful to them than dying. Why should they continue to suffer just to make others happy? It take courage to take your own life. I was in pain but I didn’t have the courage to take my own life.

Remember when you started Uni and started hanging out with all those new people and totally forgot about me? Rmb when I gave you my spare phone because you lost yours? Rmb when you were super active on Facebook but ignored my text for days? It wasn’t even texts but just one text one question. It wasn’t a big thing for you but it was for me. I was hurt. I felt like I’m gonna lose you. I even asked you if you wanted to end this friendship. Years went by and things kept happening. Things like you making promises and breaking them afterwards. You knew I take promises seriously but still made and didn’t keep them. I still acted like I didn’t care because I didn’t want you to feel bad about it I didn’t want you to force yourself to keep your promises because of me. I wanted you to keep them because you wanted to not because you had to. I’d rather you didn’t make those promises in the first place. That way I wouldn’t have gotten my hopes up just to have them crushed again. One of those promises was that you would always be there for me. That friendship to you is more important than love. I know what people say and do are two different matters but I was so sure that friendship was really more important to you than love. I guess I was wrong. Because as soon as you got your first boyfriend our friendship was no longer the same.

You liked him and you knew he also kinda liked you but you weren’t dating yet. I was rooting for you, happy for you because you were so incredibly happy just being with him. It was your birthday I had to work but we were planning on meeting afterwards. I was looking forward seeing you again because we haven’t seen each other in a long time because you were busy with Uni, dancing and life in general. You made me wait for an hour.... you didn’t text or call to tell me you would be coming late. And when you arrived you were with him. You told me he suddenly asked you out and bought you new shoes. I was mad. Not because you were late but because you didnt even call to tell me you were gonna be late and because you were out with him even though we had plans. If you would have called I would have Gone home and we could have met another time. You could have spend the day with him. Instead you came an hour late and with him in your back. I knew you wanted to spend more time together. I gave you your present and went home. That was when I realized that you’re gonna break another promise again. Love was more important than friendship to you. That’s why I stopped taking your promises serious. Whenever you would promise me sth I would just laugh it off because I knew you’re not gonna keep them. It’s not your fault. We were young and you were carefree to begin with. That’s what I liked about you. But because of your carelessness you never really realised the weight of your words or the impact they would have. I couldn’t even be mad anymore because that’s just who you were. That’s when I started distancing myself from you. It helped when you and him finally started dating and you didn’t have time for anything else anyway. Your world started revolving only around him. I mean I know it’s also because he was a control freak and you weren’t allowed to go anywhere w/o him or do anything w/o asking for permission. Still you let yourself be controlled. I started hanging out with others more and also worked a lot more because just being home was exhausting. Maybe that’s also one of the reasons why it was so much easier for me to leave everything behind and travel to Australia for a year. Nothing was really holding me back. We didn’t talk much when I was there. We started talking again when you broke things off with him and when you were in the US for an exchange. When I came back and you told me that you were pretending to be in the US for an exchange but weren’t actually there the whole time but instead hid somewhere else at some guys place because you couldn’t afford the exchange I was hurt again. You said you didn’t want to tell me because you didn’t want to disappoint me. But do you know what disappointed me more? Your fear of seeing me disappointed rather than the trust that I would or could have supported and helped you in your difficult time. Do you know how much of a useless friend I felt when you told me that? How much I blamed myself because I couldn’t help you in your time of need? It was a shitty feeling.

.....

[drferox]

20 Questions with Dr Ferox #10

200 questions in these bundled posts! Unfortunately nothing extra special for you, just more answers. 

@loveprose said:  hey doc! ive been following you for a while and i absolutely love your blog, your humor, and your intelligence! i just wanted to say that im very thankful to have learned so much from your blog, and im glad that your patients benefit from having you as their doctor! youre amazing :D QT: my headcanon for you is that you absolutely love dino nuggets, and you like to eat them as if youre a predatory dinosaur

I did not actually know that dino nuggets were a thing. So I researched.

And I have decided I need to become more familiar with them. Rawr.

Anonymous said: Do you have a list of pets you wish weren't inbred to a point where they are just a walking mess? Or, I guess my question is what are your thoughts on those types of pets, like pugs for example(pugs are the only ones I can think of at the moment)? I am perfectly fine if you don't want to answer this at all. I'm certain there are better questions to answer in your inbox.

Kind of... all of them.

The difficulty with this question is that the list doesn’t end, and sort of can’t so long as we cling to an idea of ‘purebred’ being better. Purebreds are predictable, sure, but not inherently superior.

There are inbreeding problems not just in domestic pets, but other domestic species too. Fresian and Angus cattle are heading that way too

@glassslippers-and-tinywhiskers said: Hi! So I might be getting a Papillon soon!! She's a retired show dog and seems perfect except that she needs to have a few of her top front teeth removed. She's only 3 and her breeder takes very good care of her dogs, brushing their teeth regularly. Having those few teeth out doesn't make me want her less but it does make me concerned for the future of the rest of her teeth. I guess my question is why many small dogs are so prone to teeth issues even when they're being cared for?

Some dogs appear to have a genetic predisposition to dental disease, and this isn’t just limited to small dogs (*cough* greyhounds *cough*). Some teeth are easier to clean than others within an individual dog too, and the incisors and molars tend to be the most difficult. Brushing reduce their risk factors, but can’t even eliminate them.

@knikna said: Hi Dr Ferox! Love your blog, learning lots from it :) I've heard that if chihuahuas lose too many teeth, their jaw can start to disintegrate. Have you heard this/is there any truth to this? I don't really trust google haha

If they lose too many teeth from the front of their lower jaw then the bone can recede and atrophy, but if you leave too many infected teeth in there for too long then you can get oteomyelitis, and that will ‘disintegrate’ the jaw and leave it prone to spontaneous fractures.

@ warpedellipsis said: I forget if it was you, but someone said horses can't heal broken legs because they can't not put weight on the leg. Is there such a thing as a three legged horse? Or no, for the same reason--they need all four legs to put weight on?

The bones can certainly heal, but keeping the horse alive and free of laminitis is a significant challenge in the post operative period and often fails. That said, there are some 3-legged equines out there in the world, but they tend to be on the smaller side and not every equine has a suitable temperament for surviving as a 3 legged creature.

(Image source)

3D printing might make this more common in the future.

Anonymous said: Is it possible for cats to have pollen allergies because one of our cats is kind of Sneezy on high pollen count days but like he has no other symptoms of a respiratory infection and it's not constant it's just more than usual you'd expect from a cat

It’s entirely possible, and they can be allergic to more than one kind of pollen too.

Another Anonymous said: (1/2) honestly yeah youre a vet but if youre the owner; youre going to know very intimately your animal and their behavior; if something they do changes it never hurts to check! one of my cats would cough for like a second, but it happened sooo intermittently (maybe once every.....4 months) that i didnt know whether or not if it was anything,`but after a year. turns out after an xray his lungs were super inflamed and hes an asthmatic! and since i now knew i hadnt been overreacting, when 2/2 i rescued my second cat off the streets i noticed him sneezing, took him in MUCH quicker, and hes an asthmatic as well (i think im the unluckiest person in the world lol). at one point w/ that same cat i woke up and he was wheezing a little and hiding under my bed (if your normally social cat starts hiding under things theres probably something wrong) ran him into my vet straight away and he was in the throes a terrible life threatening asthma attack. it really never hurts to check!

This highlights the difficulty in giving advice over the internet. I have no way of knowing what’s normal for that animal and whether a description is accurate. I always tell people if they’re worried enough to seek advice they’re worried enough to contact a vet.

Anonymous said: So I have two questions. 1. What are hot spots? And 2. What is your opinion on golden retrievers? Like what should I look out for?

Hot Spots are a severe, moist skin infection that rapidly spreads, associated with moisture being trapped against the skin and allergies.

I just so happen to have written about Golden Retrievers here.

Anonymous said: A previous question asked about a lapse of time between jobs. Do employers / Vets that are hiring consider schooling during that time without working a bad thing (until internships)? I've also had two shoulder surgeries that aren't fully healed after 2 years, they're still healing.... Would they frown highly on that? They're functional and all, just some days they hurt more and cause migraines. Trying to look ahead of the game.

If you’re schooling between jobs you’re still doing something, same applies to recovering from an injury or parental leave. It’s large periods of apparently nothing that tend to raise questions.

I don’t think anyone can ask you what’s happened to your shoulders, just whether they would prevent you from doing the job you’re applying for.

Anonymous asked: I was wondering if you could tell me about the availability of work for vet nurses/techs where you live? Where I am currently, despite the fact that the education for vet nurses is very in-depth and extensive, the opportunity for a sustainable job is not exactly available. Salaries are so low that most nurses are forced to change occupation after just 5-7 years of working in practice. I'm about to graduate from my final (4th) year of university and am looking for better career options abroad!

There is an over-supply of training vet nurses because various educational institutions opened up courses because they could, accepted students, then required students to have X hours work in a clinic per week for their course, but didn’t provide these positions for them.

So there are lots of cheap, inexperienced vet nurses and we also suffer from the same issue of lack of career progression, so nurses 5-10 years out start looking elsewhere for a better wage.

@ dixiethumbelina asked: Hi! I was wondering if its possible to tell if a female cat is desexed. We inherited a cat with our farm and were told by a neighbour that shes the old owner's ex wife's, and was desexed and 'chipped.   If she is, her chip won't scan with our scanners, and she has no tattoo, nicked ear, etc to indicate that she's desexed. We also found a approx 6 wk old kitten with her prior to moving her into the house.   Our vet said not to worry about it now  as she's too old to breed but I'm curious! :)

There might be an abdominal scar in the ventral abdomen, or possibly in the flank depending on how she was speyed. Unfortunately without a tattoo, nick or microchip it’s very hard to tell. Ultrasound might detect the uterus and ovaries if they’re there, but just because you can’t find them doesn’t mean you didn’t miss them. Cats don’t really go through menopause like we do, they can still get pregnant at an advanced age.

Anonymous said: I volunteer at a vet clinic, and often observe the surgeries that the vet performs to get a better idea of what I'm going to be dealing with as a future vet myself. We recently had a young Corgi come in for a neuter, but after the surgery, the vet wanted to remove the dew claws while he was still out because she said that they tend to get caught on carpet. Is that reason enough to remove a puppy's dew claws?

Front dew claws do not tend to ‘get caught on the carpet’ they usually don’t touch the ground.

Hind dewclaws are more of an issue if they’re attached only by skin and no bone. They flop all over the place and are prone to injury, the dog doesn’t use them, and owners often forget to keep them trimmed to prevent ingrown, painful nails. Desexing is a convenient time to remove them, with pain relief.

@ thumpertrevelyan asked: What do you think of Catios (cat patios)? Are they good enrichment for a strictly indoor cat? Or would it up their risks since the could still be bit by fleas and ticks? Or?

I’m not familiar with that specific brand, but outdoor cat enclosures are great enrichment. Yes they can still get parasites, but their odds of injury, theft and poisoning are still greatly reduced.

@horsejunkie asked: Hi there! My family currently has 3 cats and we have always fed them free-range (food available all the time) Our 17 yr old is diabetic and receives insulin 2x per day. Our almost 8 yr old ragdoll is overweight, but otherwise healthy. My mom argues that the diabetic cat needs access to food all the time, but I want to limit the ragdoll's food intake to help him lose weight. Is it true that diabetic cats need constant food access? also, where do you keep pickles the stegosaurus?

Not all diabetic cats need constant food, though it helps prevent hypoglycaemia, especially if they like to graze. If your cat’s glucose is currently well controlled, don’t mess with it.

You could consider a microchip feeder for your cats.

Anonymous said: What do you think of people that makes their pets fat because they look cuter? I am a second year vet student

I would tell them that their pet is going to be just as cute at a healthy weight and is going to have less issues with arthritis, pancreatitis and brachycephalic airway syndrome (if relevant) at a leaner weight. I also remind people that being a big heavier than perfect can be fine, but if they’re deliberately feeding their pet to batter and fatter for their own amusement then that’s not fair.

Anonymous said: I saw that last submission and now I'm interested in doggy-vitiligo. My pupper is a schnauzer(?) yorkie(?) mystery-mix. He's nearly 10 years old now but we got him when he was a baby, just old enough to have left his mom. He was dark-haired then with a dark nose but he immediately began losing pigmentation, including on his nose. By the time he was 5 he looked nothing like he had at 1 and lost all the schnauzer-style patterning. Thoughts?

It might be normal. Lots of breeds have coat colours that change in the first few years of life. If it’s not associated with any skin pathology then it’s probably no big deal.

Anonymous said: (I'm sorry if I break any ask rules, I'm new) I'm in my junior year of high school and I really want to be a vet. I'm taking vet science my senior year and I'm excited but my grades in math are bad. I'm retaking geometry currently. My counselor advises against a 4th year but that means not taking Algebra 2. I dont want to but is it going to look bad on my transcripts? Should I take it anyway? QT: Do you believe in anything supernatural?

You need to talk to someone at your intended tertiary institution, because I honestly don’t know what they’re looking for. It’s a long time since I was applying for vet school.

I have a bunch of superstitions but I don’t think I really believe in anything supernatural.

@mari5701 asked: Hi I saw the vaccine post and was wondering about vet external labs. Are they private labs or part of the veterinary practice? You may not know the answer to this question but: do the lab technicians need to go through vet school? Thanks so much! I came for the humor and stayed for all the interesting stories.

The external laboratories are private companies that are not part of the veterinary practice. They may be associated with human medical labs, or vet only. Some of their employees are vets, but I’m sure not all of them are.

Anonymous said: I'd like to thank you for changing my opinions on euthanasia. I used to be insistent on euthanasia only being used after having tried everything, but this blog, and becoming a fish keeper, have helped me realize that euthanasia is overly demonized and is sometimes a better option than continuing to attempt to treat, sometimes

It’s normal human behavior to demonize death. We tend to shut it away, to try to pretend it’s not there for as long as possible, but we need to talk about it sometimes to minimize suffering.

Anonymous said: Do you have any hobbies you like to do to chill out after work? Or other skills you just happen to have and like using, like drawing or writing? 

Nah, I’d been going around calling myself an Author for no reason at all.

[chloes-pirate-booty]

whats been your experience with top surgery? did you like your doc and all

Yeah! Top surgery went well for me! I mean, I would have liked a friendlier doctor - the guy I went to was pretty dull and quiet and was all business so at times I felt kind of uncomfortable with him. But he knew what he was doing. He seemed shady when I asked him to show me pictures of past patients’ results, but I realized that the reason he was hesitant was because almost all of the photo comparisons he had were of patients who had far more complicated chests than mine so it wouldn’t have been an accurate reference for me anyway. A couple of them had previous damage from improper binding so their results didn’t look too good but it was not the doctor’s fault, it was their fault for binding with tape.

So here’s the story of the actual surgery: My surgery was done at around 7:30 AM on October 3rd 2016. I was honestly pretty relaxed going in there. It wasn’t too busy or noisy at the little surgical center I went to (which was connected to a larger hospital) so I didn’t have to lay there on the cot waiting and waiting and waiting to go in. I went in the little curtained room thing, answered some questions, they had me change, the doc marked up my chest, they hooked me up with an IV, sat for a couple minutes, and then they pumped that happy drug in and rolled me through the doors. I remember getting into the surgical room. I was too high off that relaxant at that point to even be bothered by the fact that they’d already started strapping my arms down like Jesus on the cross. I remember looking around and seeing like 20 people which was not what I expected at all.  Then I was out like a light. The surgery took about 2 hours, and I woke up high as a kite in the same curtained room. There were two nurses. I remember being so fucking happy looking down at my chest and seeing it bandaged up. I lifted up the lip of the bandages and honestly couldn’t see anything underneath because it was so tight but I knew my chest was flat as a board. Nothing hurt (yet). I didn’t even notice the drains. I was just chilling there all loopy and I kept waving at people when they passed by the open curtains. Pretty sure I asked the same nurse how the surgery went like 10 times. Then my doctor came in and said everything went well and that he did need to put drains in (he told me to plan for them but it was never a promise that I’d need them.)At that point, I was awake enough that they moved me over to a big chair, switched me from the johnny to my flannel shirt + sweatpants, and gave me some water. I wasn’t nauseous, thank god. And I wasn’t loopy anymore either. I could feel the drains now that the hospital-strength pain meds were wearing off.Then I was literally ECSTATIC when I saw my Mom, Dad and (surprise) Grandma coming towards me. (Yes, Grandma was a surprise. I did not know she would be visiting. I guess my Mom and Dad went to hang out with her at her house nearby until I was done, and so she figured she’d come visit.) I was so excited and showing them how flat my chest was even with the bandages on and showing them how weird the drains looked. I’m really chill with my family. They were nervous about me getting the surgery, obviously, but there was definitely a good vibe in the room now that I had made it past the ‘big’ part. My Grandma impulsively bought my family the biggest party tray of cookies I’ve ever seen. After my Grandma left, the nurse showed my parents and I how to empty the drains and measure the drainage. They gave the little drainage chart and a little study guide about how the drains worked. Every 12 hours I would have to empty the fluids from the drains into a little measuring cup [PHOTO - blood warning] Then my parents helped me get my sneakers on and the nurse wheeled me out to the car. I was given my cell phone back at this point, of course, so I spent the whole ride home messaging my friends that I survived, lol. One unusual thing that happened though is that my seatbelt was too tight on the external portion of my right drain. About 5 minutes away from home, my right side started feeling very warm. And then I didn’t note anything of it until we were parked in the driveway and I unbuckled my seatbelt to find a gigantic patch of blood on the bandages. I went into panic mode thinking I broke the drain (I didn’t think something was wrong with my chest because there was no obvious pain). But after figuring out that nothing was actually wrong and that the blood was just unable to travel downwards through the drain (therefore traveling back into the drain port and leaking out from there), I was fine and just mildly pissed off that my ace bandages had a blood stain. [PHOTO] Thankfully, my Mom had foot surgery 3 months before and she had extra ace wraps that I just used instead. Be careful with seatbelts, guys.  

So once I was in the house, I basically stayed there for the next 5 days. I was upstairs 24/7 pretty much. The only time I went outside during that time was when my rat Ozzy died 3 days after my surgery and I went with my Dad to bury him in the yard. That fucking sucked. But aside from the dead pet, those 5 recovery days were aesthetic as fuck. Since it was October, I made sure to decorate the shit out of my room while I could still lift my arms. I had Halloween lights up every where [PHOTO], and I had a bunch of Halloween candy to pig out on [PHOTO]. I ate like a fat ass when I was hungry, but I wasn’t very hungry due to to percocet (oxy) that I was prescribed for pain. I actually ended up losing 5 pounds in 5 days due to not eating big meals (plus my high metabolism) even though I certainly ate a lot of cookies, candies, and Frostys (my aunt kept calling me and insisting she come visit and bring me Wendy’s, lol. She’s an occupational therapist and so she was very intrigued by how I was recovering and visited almost every night to talk with me). I’d also bought a new TV a few days before the surgery too. So I had my TV and PS4 set up right in front of my bed so I wasn’t ever lacking entertainment. I watched Breaking Bad during the day and then Bob Ross before going to sleep. The pain meds made me so sleepy so I usually would just pass out watching Bob Ross, haha. I made a habit of it too. 10/10 would recommend passing out while watching Bob Ross. Usually the end credit music would wake me up and remind me to turn the TV off, haha. Also, @xrdpan gave me this very cute little guy as a gift - [PHOTO]And yeah, this is getting a little off topic. But I definitely had a memorable week of recovery. Sometimes I wish I could do it again for another day or two. Cause despite how uncomfortable the drains were and how much weight my scrawny ass lost, I was so relaxed and got to watch a LOT of TV.

So back to post-op care - I was not given a binder after surgery. I had to use the ace bandages while I still had the drains in, and then I was given a prescription for a compression tank top (that i literally had to go to this lingerie store to get) once the drains were out. That was kind of annoying. I had hoped for a decent surgical vest like what most people get, but yeah. 

My drains were in for 10 days. They were uncomfortable, but I didn’t have any bleeding complications or any complications at all so they definitely did their job. It didn’t hurt when they came out either. It felt awesome once they were out and I could really get a good look at my chest. The drains caused snake-like lumps all throughout my chest and it looked weird. Drains in - [PHOTO]Drains out - [PHOTO]

And as for sensation, my chest was very numb for about 1 month including the nipples, and then was half-numb for another couple months. But after the 3 month point (which was around the time I didnt have to wear anymore compression), the sensation was coming back on it’s own very well. I’m 7 months post-op now and have all sensation back except for my right nipple which isn’t 100% numb but doesn’t really react to touch. I have a couple small fleshy spots, mainly on the left side, where they almost have too much feeling and are tender if pressed down on. It feels like a muscle thing. 

Uhhh so that’s an essay if I ever saw one! Hope you got something useful from it! I’m always down to talk about my experience and make everything more clear and possibly less scary for everyone who’s interested in top surgery. I had a good experience overall! No complications! 

Here’s some recent pics if you’re interested!

2 months - [PHOTO]4 months - [PHOTO]6 months - [PHOTO]

[paleconda]

blog- 9th february.

i- as an american doing pretty damn well job of pulling off as british- do not like to do american-like things. such having having wet and cringe humour, being unnecessarily loud, being blatantly ignorant on world culture/affairs (no offence), and especially opening myself up. one thing i’ve noticed is that brits always keep to themselves and rarely discuss thier deep feelings and thoughts with other people. they’re not very open to tel you their life story, and i’m the same way.not to say that i’m not down to earth, bc i very much am. i just stay quaint when it comes to public situations. that being said, my journey and story on my sexuality is very personal, deep and complicated, and unfortunately, i feel like i have to go into massive detail on what’s all happened and how it’s impacted me. it’ll make me vulnerable, but easier to understand and empathise with. this is going to be a particularly long read tho.

the date is 07/07/2010. it was the summer before the 7th grade and i had just realised my sexuality only a few months earlier. the worst night of my life. the night my parents found out about my sexuality. i was only 12. but the way the found out was rather quite stupid and embarrassing (no i wasn’t wanking and it wasn’t porn). at the time, i didn't have a phone. and my favourite show would come on at 1 am. but i didn't feel like staying up late, so what i did was borrow my grandmas phone and set an alarm. well in the alarm it had an option for a message. well my dumbass self put “get the hell up you bisexual fucker”. yeah. well, when my grandma went to puerto rico for a funeral, she left her phone bc she wouldn’t have any service over there. and i had forgotten to take off that alarm. so my mom is just going thru the phone (idk why) and she happens to come across it. she calls me downstairs and confronts me about it. after about 10 minutes what seems like an interrogation ( and me not talking, i felt as tho i had no choice but to admit it). they started crying and told me how its never okay even if the world says it is, and they brought up sodom and gomorrah and told me i needed to have a long prayer. my relationship with them hasn't never really been the same since then. so after that, i kinda ignored thinking about my sexuality. i would just go thru my day, occasionally look at gay pictures at night, then go to sleep. then, toward the end of 7th grade, i ended up taking nudes and sending them on http://showyourdick.com (terrible, i know) and they. ended. up. seeing. the. pics. it made things a shit tonne worse. i was still closeted at school, i had been accused of being gay as early as 4th grade, before i even knew i was gay (im actually bi/pan, but lets just use the word gay for now). fast foward to the beginning of 9th grade (late 2012). i had already been stanning nicki for almost a year, but i was still closeted. i also had a tumblr account(not this one). not only did i still kinda feel bad about being gay, but i was terribly insecure as well. i ended up starting to cut myself around late September. but for a while it was only on my thighs bc i didnt want anyone to see. later, in january 2013, i was feeling really depressed one night, and i kinda went on a cutting tirade. (trigger warning) i even cut my arm. i remember feeling the warm blood running down my leg and feeling dizzy, with my ears fogging up and nearly passing out in the bathroom. this next part may sound wierd. maybe its just me, maybe it was the fogging in my ears, idk. but i remember hearing nickis voice, almost aloud, and she said Stop. crazy init.  the next morning, i got really scared, bc my sleeve wouldn't completely cover up the scars. well, one of my teachers saw (i still dont know who) and reported it to the office, and one of the guidance counselors called my parents and told them. another really bad day. the next day, my guidance counselor called me down, even the principle came in the room. they told me they were sending me to a place where i would have therapy. i agreed to it, but i wasnt aware that i would be forced to spend 3 nights there. its called being Baker Acted.  the deputy at my school called my mom and told her where they were taking me but they didn't tell her i was required by law to spend 72 consecutive hours there. so when she came to pick me up that night, thats when she found out. needless to say she was crying. alot. and as if it wasn't bad enough, it just so happened to be her wedding anniversary.  i end up relapsing 2 more times after that whole ordeal. the last time was march 9th, 2013. so things temporarily improve for the summer. i ended up (finally) coming out to my closest friends. but i never made a big deal out of it. like i never made a big post on facebook or IG or anything. I kinda just let people figure it out and have their own assumptions. so september rolls around and i end up getting depressed again (september is always a bad month for me) but i promised myself i wouldnt cut myself again. so i end up overdosing. alot. 7 pills at a time. (it was just vyvanse tho, its not like it was percs or oxycodone.) so my parents went thru my texts and they found out about what i was doing and thats when the trust begins to deterioate again. they would always take away my phone at night. they said its bc of some report they saw on the news where having your phone in your room while your sleeping is unhealthy (which.. they were right. but it’s ovbious that wasn’t the real reason they took it.) it was bloody annoying. but back then, they would only take it on school nights, and sometimes i would sneak it back, and although they got mad, they wouldn't really do anything about it. also, as you could’ve probably guessed, i had downloaded a couple of gay apps because i was curious. the first time i downloaded grindr, i was in the 8th grade. and it wasn't the only app i would download. there was also hornet and jack’d. well, theres this one guy who i ended up talking to. and i end up sending nudes to him on kik. and my parents end up going through my kik. this was in december 2013. my horny self was just tryna hookup. welp. they see the messages. things go downfuckinghill fast. they barge into my room, one second they're yelling at me shoving the screen in my face and then the next thing I know my dad is shoves me down and kicks me multiple times, and my mom ends up calling the police and filing a report. to say it was traumatising is an understatement. but because it's kik, theres not much they can do. this renders me phoneless all the way until june of 2015. and at this point i wanna take a little bit of a detour. bc i almost feel as though my life as a normal teenager has been robbed.

some of you may ask why i didn’t move in with relatives or just file a report to social services.

they wouldn't let me. and bc they're broke and aren't good at finances, that's what they (we’re) doing anyway. my family is living with my grandparents for like the 4th time since i was born. so they change the password in my phone and im only allowed to use it when they say (this is february 2014, roughly) and i have to be in the same room as them. and then in march, something goes wrong with my phone and it wont read the SIM card. so now i can't even call or text.  things just didn’t get better that year. its summer 2014, and now they suddenly change the password to my laptop. (they still won't tell me the password). i started crying and begged them to change it back. so they did. but just a month later, on July 11th, they change it. and its stayed that way. so now its june of 2015. they buy me a new phone, but they said there are "rules for having the phone" and they take it away every night. well, in november, i had downloaded grindr. theres this feature on my phone where i can hide an app, but one day, back in november, i forgot to hide the app. so they saw it. and they didn't even open the app (it was password locked) and i refused to give them the password. so now im phoneless.... again. and this time they wouldn't even let me use it... at all. so i went back to having to use my grandmas phone and computer to log onto Twitter. for the longest time, i could only be on twitter from 4-8pm on weekdays bc thats whenever i had access. fast foward to april 2016 and im taking a college class across town. all of a sudden, my mom hands me my phone, and im shocked. she says im only having it on a "limited basis". so for about a month, im only allowed to use it outside the house, but they eventually let up. every once in a while, we still get into an argument about it.  may 2016: its time for me to choose what college to go to. my mom had made me apply to a christian university about 30 miles away. i didnt wanna go, but the other college i had been looking at had ran into financial trouble, the big public university in my city didn't accept me, and i didn't wanna go to a community college. plus, the christian university (southeastern University) offered me a bunch of money in scholarships. and i honestly felt forced to go. by august of 2016, things start to drastically change. most of it is in a good way, but there are still some things that are... iffy, for lack of a better term. i’m beginning to lose weight and my grades are actually good for once, but my phone is still taken way at night all the way to december, when they finally stop. then in january 2017, i am finally able to buy an iphone. at this point, everything sort of catches up to the previous post. there’s still loads for me to explain but this is enough for now.

on a side note, it’s amazing how different things are for me now after looking back at all that. i still can’t believe that we are in 2019 and that i graduated high school nearly 3 years ago. i’m gobsmacked at how much i have changed since then. it’s a lot to ponder on. and i’m glad to say that i’m currently at the happiest place i’ve been in for years. maybe ever.

end.

[wewontliveforeversomakeitworthit]

My Story

Hi, my name is Lisa and I am an alcoholic. My sobriety date is January 3rd 2017 I have a home group, love and service in Rochester NY, i have a sponsor, i have a service position and I am currently working the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. Today I shared at the forensics unit at our psych center and nothing came out right and i didn’t actually know how to share my story so I’m going to try to gather my thoughts and share it on here before my next share. I grew up in what would appear to be just a totally normal middle class home in Henrietta NY. I have 4 older sisters and 2 incredibly loving amazing supportive and sometimes absolutely insane parents. While i was growing up I felt exactly how alot of people say that they did too, i felt different, left out and not good enough for anybody. In elementary school I was already a compulsive liar, telling people that i had boyfriends and stupid stuff like that. I turned to food to hide my feelings and to hide myself and that turned into me being bullied for being over weight. And even from that young age i took the things that those people said to me straight to heart and it was gospel and they were right, I was fat, i had awful acne, i was ugly and nobody would ever love me because of my appearance. I decided I wanted to lose that weight when i was going into 8th grade and I lost some of it and was actually pretty normal for the most part at that time. I then thought i was completely in love with a guy in 8th grade who was also my best friend and we hung out over that winter break and i thought something was going to happen, like obviously we were going to be in love and get married but instead he told me that he didn’t want me in that way, turns out hes actually gay now but it sent me on a downward spiral into mental illness that was lurking in the shadows of my life since I could think. I developed anorexia and starved myself every day until i got down to about 100lbs, my family and I went on vacation and being around them i wasn’t able to eat (well not eat) the way that I was. I cried every single night on that vacation because of how utterly disgusted with myself i was. I then came home and developed bulimia because the control of the starving was completely gone. But the night that boy told me he didn’t want me, something else happened. I drank, it was NYE at my sisters house and I was 14 years old, her friends asked me if i wanted a drink and god did i want a drink. I wanted to feel the careless joy the people around me were feeling. They made the mistake of showing me where their green tea vodka was and i started drinking and didn’t stop until it was gone. I remember while i was drinking that something inside of me started to change, i wasn’t shy and concerned with what other people were thinking of me anymore, i didn’t care at all about anything. I remember my tongue and my cheeks getting numb and i was on cloud nine.  After that night i was too preoccupied with my ED to give a fuck about drinking or drugging until bulimia came into play. I started snorting adderall so that i wouldnt eat and that went on through ninth grade until i went to program for my eating disorder and those people saved me from dying from that disease. But after i got out of that program, life got real. I had about a year of decent normalcy but at the beginning of my junior year things started to progress. I started to not give a shit about school at all, i started skipping classes and going to parties on weekends and drinking whenever it was an option for me. I started dating guys who were really just not good people and i had only one friend. We went out when we could but it never dawned on me that I was drinking any differently than any of the other kids i was around because really I wasn’t but the way it was affecting me and the way i was thinking about it was COMPLETELY different from those kids. They would stop drinking so they could drive home or they literally had DD’s but to be honest i dont remember much about those couple of years. I graduated highschool early because i hated literally everyone and i was convinced that they all hated me and judged me because most of the time they did. In my senior year i started using the tinder app and i would go over to random guys houses and meet them and every time that happened id get to drink, in my bio it even said “alcohol enthusiast”. boy was i wrong. I thought it was normal to do what i was doing, i really didnt think twice about it. Meeting these guys and being able to get black out drunk and then maybe sleep with them just seemed like a normal thing to do. Until my parents started asking questions about where i was going and why there were alcohol containers in my car and i would lie and say they were someone elses but theyre not stupid they knew they were mine. Things slowed down a little while i was in my first couple semesters of nursing school, i still drank but just on weekends with my boyfriend at the time and his roommates, and i thought i was drinking normally but i guess blacking out and starting fights on purpose because of your drinking isn’t neccesarily normal. I wouldn’t walk around the park ave area with him at night time unless he wanted to drink and that became a norm for me. I needed a drink if i was going to do anything at all, go to the movies? drink. hang out with literally anyone? drink. watching some tv? drink. While my boyfriend at the time went on vacation for christmas i decided to go to a party because if i saw anything about anyone drinking on social media i was on top of it, i made sure i had a way to get drunk whenever and i went to that party and i did cocaine for the second time in my life. the first time i really dont remember much but it was before i had met Kenny. So he went away and I went to a harmless party and kept my drinks near me like they were my children. I heard they were doing shots downstairs and i went down there and took probably 7 tequila shots in a row and blacked out, i came too when i started doing lines and by the time it was 7am i was calling him asking him to help me. That was a thing of mine, was to get drunk one place and then message or text as many people as possible to help me because i needed to go somewhere else or do something else because i didn’t want the fun to end. I kept on drinking the way i was drinking but because of how sick and awful i had felt i didn’t touch drugs again for a little while but i did wind up finding them again. but then all of a sudden over the summer of last year, shit hit the fan. I was drinking every single night and one night i went and hungout with a guy i had met probably on tinder and he said he needed to stop by a friends house for a birthday gift and i was like oh yeah ok cool, turns out his friend was the supplier for the whole town he lived in and she offered me some and i actually said no. i scolded him for his awful decision making and we went to Durand beach to get drunk and by the end of that night i had at some point asked if i could have some of his drugs so that i could safely drive home and obviously he said yes and then life went crazy. i went back to durand with that same person but met a whole bunch of other people and some how met a small group of people another time on that night and i wish i had clearer details but i was really a black out drinker and i wouldnt come to unless i had something else in my system. So we met this other smaller group of people and my life changed. some how i started attracting people who had what i thought i needed and wanted and id switch back and forth between these peoples houses getting free drinks and drugs and staying up for days at a time and not coming home and moving from job to job trying to keep my head above water. I wouldn’t stop thinking about being able to get the next drink or drug. Id go to morning classes after not sleeping in two days and be completely strung out or just not go at all. I got to a point where i couldnt drink without putting a drug in my system and i tried. I tried to stop myself from getting too drunk by switching drinks or not having as many and i was convinced i didn’t have a problem because i didn’t drink during the day so i clearly wasn’t an alcoholic. I would try to drink around people who didn’t approve of me doing drugs and i still somehow managed to go from house to house to house getting drinks and drugs until there was nothing left. One night i was at a house with all of these people i had been drinking and drugging with who i thought i really was just living the life with and i went upstairs and had a panic attack. I wanted to go home because something in me created a feeling that told me i no longer belonged there. So after 3 days of not being home and countless cries for help to my therapist and other people i called my parents at 4am and told them i was coming home and sobbing i told them i needed to talk to them. That night i told them about what i had been doing and got myself an intake appointment for outpatient. And i still at that point thought i probably only had a drug problem and that it wasn’t the drinking. i really didnt think it was the drinking. But once i started outpatient, i couldnt for life of me stay sober but i wanted it i really did. and when i tell you that night i went home that i was desperate for help i mean i wanted to die. i spent so many days of coming down just praying for god to take my life because truly i couldn’t live it anymore. Times id come home so sick and dehydrated my mom would have to run IV’s through me and id lay on that bathroom floor wishing it would all just end. I had known about AA but it was introduced to me through a girl in my outpatient and she told me she was going to a meeting and i told her i wanted to go. I had just relapsed for what would be the last time and i wanted to be sober more than anything and i couldn’t handle the constant relapses. My first AA meeting was wits end when it was upstairs at Rosedale and i was not buying any of it. I was convinced that all those young people car pooling were getting drunk directly after the meeting and that they were all just liars and fakes. I was texting someone ABOUT getting drunk at that meeting but luckily nobody would comply because on that Sunday i went to a womens meeting in fairport and i felt so engulfed with love and acceptance it was incredible. These women gave me a coin and hugged me and even though they talked about god they were something i hadnt experienced in a long time and that was happy without needing a drink or a drug to do it. I was handed that 24 hour coin and I decided maybe I’d do a couple more of these meeting things but i wouldn’t get involved like they were. My friend and i started going to a 5:30 meeting that was mostly old people or people off the street who were drunk but i stuck around for long enough to meet Pat and he was the FIRST person i heard share within my 2 months of meetings that i could actually relate to and for the first time i went up and talked to someone after they spoke and i told him how much i related and he told me to go to his home group Love and Service and that he wanted to introduce me to someone and that someone turned out to be my sponsor. I had no idea what i was doing and i knew that if i didn’t start to actually do something other than meetings that i was going to drink again and i didn’t want that for myself anymore. So my sponsor and i didnt even discuss her sponsoring me it just happened and she told me to get phone numbers and find a home group and a service position and it took me a couple weeks but i did it. meanwhile, my friend who introduced me to AA asked me if i was calling my sponsor every day and i was like uhhhh what do you mean call her everyday?????? and my friends like yeah duh thats like an unspoken aa rule and i called my sponsor right after that i was like OMG IM SO SORRY I DIDNT KNOW I WAS SUPPOSED TO CALL YOU EVERY DAY. Mostly i just didn’t have any idea how the hell to communicate with people anymore without being drunk. My social awkwardness was at level 100 and im still working on that lol. but we met up and she started to pray and she said “hey god” in the beginning of the prayer like he was just a friend and i was like oh good i got a crazy one idk how well this is gunna workout. but she started taking me through the book and something else changed, i started to grow. this is the longest ive ever done literally anything in my life and it has changed my life drastically already even just at almost 6 months sober. Today I have a full time job that i actually go to every day, today I’m able to be a daughter, a sister, a friend. Today I am learning who i am and how to deal with life on lifes terms and im becoming patient and im just in this constant growth and its absolutely amazing. I’ve found a higher power that i dont understand at all but I know its there and im able to learn things about myself every day and get called out when i’m wrong and just begin to actually live and its amazing. I’m still a work in progress but I am so beyond grateful to be here. Thank you

[thisiswhatafighterlookslike]

My Pageant Journey

In September 2016, I saw a post from my FB friend Chontell Lucas (Miss SC Plus America 2016) asking ladies to consider taking the pageant journey in the next year. My initial thought... “Not for me.” Over the next few days, I saw the post a few more times and I kept being drawn to it, even though I didn’t want to be...LOL! So I eventually left a comment on one of the posts, wishing her well on the next phase of her own journey and assuring her she would find the ladies she was looking for. A few messages later my, now friend, was in my inbox talking to me about the pageant and sharing with me her belief that I would do well. She felt I really should consider it. Hmmm I don’t know... maybe... I told her I just never believed in pageants and I still don’t. I don’t believe in competitions and the thought of me standing on a stage (especially as a plus size woman) for someone to judge me and tell me if I am “good enough” or “the best or not” according to THEIR opinions just was not going to work for me. She shared with me, that she had the same feelings and that she was in my exact same position not long before me. She completely understood. She explained Miss Plus America (MPA) is more of a community service driven, faith based pageant...they aren’t just focused on beauty. She is said “Sis you do so much in the community and with your own work as it is, you got that part!” (She was selling it lol!) Ok so my personal reflection, I no longer use the “label” or term “Plus” for myself. I had weight loss surgery in 2014, tipping the scales approx 440lbs! Once I lost significant weight and got focused on my goal, I just didn’t look back on any term connected to my “former” look and life. So for me, “Plus” was not a word I called myself or desired to in over 2 years. It wasn’t bad or something I hated, I just was focused on moving forward and getting smaller and healthier. Words have power. So we have to be mindful of the power we give them in our lives. But the truth is prior to seeing the post and my conversation with my friend, I had been thinking about a few things and wondering what I wanted or needed to do in the next 6 months to year, if at all. 

1) To Pageant or Not Pageant... That is the Question! With doctors telling me cancer was taking charge of my body and it’s functions, I began to write the proverbial “Bucket List.” I thought of some things I had not done and looked at the reasons. I asked myself the Reason, I didn’t want to be in a pageant. I forced myself to be honest. It wasn’t just not wanting to be judged. Because the truth is, I am strong enough to handle that. It was words I had deep in my mind, heart, spirit...words spoken from my ex-husband that I had tucked away. Yet, they weren’t maybe so tucked. Words speaking to me, telling me that I could not be accepted or received at my size, that I am not as beautiful as I could be being so “Big” and the only people that see me as appealing are just men who like BBW. Words shot at me saying the world has not come to truly accept fat people, especially fat women and a fat black woman, will always be viewed as a lazy and “less than’ woman, so I will never be truly accepted or valued for who I am or seen as beautiful as other women no matter how well I dress, speak or carry myself. I THOUGHT I didn’t give these words my attention, but somehow they were coming to the surface after many years and torturing my thoughts on a regular basis as my life and work was becoming more public. So were the people who said they love me and love my look, lying to me, was I as good as the next woman. I found myself trying to hide in public places and although I never stopped working and doing all the many things I loved, I preferred to do more from behind the scenes and place others in the front. So now a pageant... no I don’t think so. BUT, was my reason good enough to go to my grave with? I was beginning to think it wasn’t I needed to face this, address this... Embrace this. I needed to take this journey at least once, and even if I didn’t win... I did it! I needed to be able to kill and bury those words and be done with them for good. 

2) Was “Plus” really such  a bad word? I looked in the mirror. Why was I so upset with this word? It didn’t have anymore power now then it did in 2014 when I was over 400lbs! So what was my issue? As long as a word could affect my world and attitude, I was not free, and I believe in living freedom. I thought about the reality of my life. Due to all the treatments I was taking and even the chemotherapy (yes we don’t all lose weight) I was at a major stall in my weight loss and had even gained at some times. So at this time in my life, I am a Plus Size woman and as I faced the mirror and looked at old pictures.. that was absolutely ok. I am still smart, beautiful, loving, giving, and every bit the same person I always was and nothing could be taken from the success of my previous weight loss. I may not be where I want to be but I surely was not where I was! I also thought, how many women (young women) look up to me and are inspired by me at my current image. These ladies see someone that encourages them to be their best and be who they are at their own best. I get countless messages and emails from females who tell me when they see me, they are so inspired and uplifted. When meet me and see a full figured woman who has curves, yet remains elegant while embracing fashion and personal style, they feel better about themselves. So I felt I owed it to them to show them you walk that pageant stage Full Figured, Curvy, Positively Plus and LIVE in that! You are inferior to NO one due to the size and shape of your body. 

So after about a week and lot of reflection, I decided to GO FOR IT! What did I have to lose really? Nothing to really lose but the crown. I would gain experience from the journey, freedom, connections to new ladies and beautiful friendships, learning more about other platforms and causes and investing myself more in this state of SC that I call home and what it has to offer. 

These months of preparation of definitely been a process. It is always interesting coming into a group of people you don’t know and getting to know them. You hope and pray it goes well and you become good acquaintances and if you are truly blessed, you develop genuine friendships and embrace sisterhood. Of course this is all a “time and work” situation... you get out what you put in. Honestly, in the beginning, I wasn’t putting in much, or as much as I could for my own reservations and issues, but over time I began to get comfortable with these beautiful ladies and they became a part of my life. 

In March, I believe most of our lives officially changed during the Crowning Ceremony & Bootcamp Weekend. We were all finally together with each other and able to meet, chat, work together and really get to know one another. I was happy to meet these lovely ladies and connect faces to some hearts who had become so beautifully kind to me over the last few months and particularly the last few weeks. 

I wish I could say my journey was just a challenge of personal adjustment and getting to know various personalities. That would be SO easy... a cake walk! It became a literally painful challenge as my health became a major issue for me, that exceeded far beyond the pageant and affected everything I did and attempted to do. As it affected my body, the pain intensifying and weakness and sickness increasing, it affected my mentally and emotionally. I started to feel like such a failure and I was letting everyone down. I began to battle with the notion to step down. I never want someone to feel they can count on me, or look for me and I not be there. I take my obligations and my word seriously. My finances were hit hard, as my medical insurance was erroneously cut back in November and I was without coverage for little over 90 days. This had me paying for some of my meds, appointments and treatments out of pocket and some I had to go without, some doctors/appointments I had to reschedule and 2 procedures were rescheduled until they could be covered by insurance. This very negatively affected my health. But I didn’t tell anyone. Some I didnt even share with my parents. I was quiet in my own world. I kept thinking, maybe this was a mistake, or maybe not now. But my heart would never allow me to let it go. Right before Christmas, I showed my dr 2 lumps under my right arm that had been bothering me for about 3 months. I think I had been putting off mentioning them out of fear. We scheduled biopsy and in February I was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. This was in addition to the Ovarian Cancer and Leukemia. I was hit with a hard blow and I really was broken... During this time I kept complaining about pain when I ate and even drank a lot. I was told this was probably the ovarian cancer and just being tired, but we will do some tests. Well after 3 trips to hospital, I was diagnosed with Crohns Disease! A result of the Chemo!!! So now what do I do?  I finally had a talk with my ambassador Kendra and my director and they encouraged me to keep going, but pace myself. Something I have no clue how to do! LOL! 

As I got closer to pageant weekend the biggest issue became managing my pain. It was getting harder and harder. A year ago my bones in lower back, hips and legs began to show deterioration. I was told they did not know how well I would be able to dance/walk in a year, or If I could at all. My doctor strongly advised I stopped wearing my beloved stilettos, slow down and change my life to something more peaceful. Despite how much I remain active and I have NOT given up my beloved stilettos/heels (nor do I plan to), it has become so painful to walk. I have taken a break from dance/choreography. We decided 2 weeks ago to test a neurostimulator in my back to assist with pain management. It definitely was no “magic cure” but for the first time in well over a year, I was able to sleep. So after a 4 day test, we agreed place permanent device in, at least for now. The issue, I had some problems after the fact that put me on medical restriction and my doctor was absolutely not in favor of me going to the pageant. I had to cross this finish line! I spoke to the staff, made them aware. I was tempted to just say I can’t do it. But I just do not have “Quit” in me! 

So Pageant Weekend. I didn’t have the finances for so much I still needed and it seemed so many signs were saying... this is not your time Lady lol! But down to the final moments... God stepped in! I was blessed with the money and all the pieces of clothing I needed! My hotel was paid for in full and I never worried about eating. I was here and I finally at peace! My journey was coming to an end and all was getting better...No..all was well! I was bonding with my SisterQueens in a beautiful way and I just felt good! 

Pageant Day... I woke up and everything felt WRONG! OMG No! I was in so much pain, I woke up weak, dizzy, stuggling to speak, I couldn’t get out of bed. In fact, I couldn’t sit up. I had to really pray and focus my movements. I crawled to the bathroom. I prayed. Tears poured down my face, I worked too hard to get here to not be able to complete this. Normally days with this pain, I medicate and REST. Today I need to PUSH. I pulled myself up and was able to get to my bottle of water and take my meds. Laid down for 15 minutes and slowly began to get ready... I was feeling well enough to move and hide the pain..but with every movement I had sharp pains shooting through my body and the weakness felt like someone through 50lb weight on my back!!!!!! I began to sing to myself and tell myself.. You can do this! I got to the venue for final rehearsal and I was.. OK. I led the ladies in heartfelt prayer as we started our day and I felt positive. As the morning went on, the looks from the queens started and they were asking.. “are you ok?” my response...”yes I am just tired.” but no the pain was getting worse by the moment. I did my walk through for my elegant pants wear and I had to lean on a table backstage. I thought just take a minute and breathe...... But something was wrong..the room was going black and pain went through every inch of my body. I have pain induced seizures and I needed to avoid blacking out. I was trying to sit on the floor.. but I only remember waking up laying on the ground. I had passed out. For a few minutes I couldn’t speak but I could hear and see people around me. After a few minutes I was on my feet and able to communicate some. The decision was made to send me back to my hotel instead of stay at rehearsal. I was upset... this was my day and I had to finish it! I took a nap and woke up still extremely weak and very much in pain. But I was taking that stage! My ambassador called to check on me. Ultimately the final decision was mine. I answered... I’m on my way. I am pushing through. See you soon. 

MY MOMENT.... The night was finally at its apex and I actually felt a little better. I was laughing with everyone and relaxing offstage as we were preparing for our final awards and crowning. This was it. I stood in my coral strapless chiffon gown and matching heels. I won the Against All Odds Award and that was very special to me. I held it close to my heart. Now they called the queens for the “Mrs” Division forward... and they announced the winner... LEYA ELIJAH-ELLER! She is now you Mrs South Carolina Plus America. I looked at the 2016 winner who is a dear friend and it was so emotional... I said to her... We Did It! We both fought our tears. As they were crowning me and putting on my sash and still handing my trophies...lol... I got ready to take my first walk... Yeah. I lost my ballance...the crowd gasped. I actually laughed. I  cant even desribe how bad my bones were hurting at that point and my stomache was throbbing in pain... but it was a fleeting moment... I smiled that signature smile and recovered... I took my walk... I was humbled. I DID IT! I WON!!!  

Some parts of my journey were too personal, and I will keep those private. But I wanted to share in detail the journey of a Positively Plus Size Beauty... 39 year old mom of 3 young adults, currently surviving cancer, truly fighting like a girl... This journey to Queen taught me more about myself; my personal strength, inner strength, body confidence, self image and love for life and others. I during my time as Mrs SC Plus America 2017, I intend to encourage as many women as I can to face their face fears, live life, leave no regrets on the table and most of all cross that finish line no matter what! Who knew that responding to a FB post would result in my becoming Queen! 

Ladies if my blog shows you one thing I hope its this, every dream you have is very real, and it was given to you for you to manifest. Don’t the issues and obstacles of life stop you from letting the LIVE. 

This is your Mrs SC Plus America 2017, showing you “This Is What A Fighter Looks Like!!!!” Until the next time... stay Fierce and Fabulous and Fight for what you love, desire and want! 

~Leya~