#a lot of people i used to write with went inactive :( from a week to several months

[mostlysignssomeportents]

Kinkslump Linkdump

This is my dozenth linkdump! The world comes at you fast, and even though I'm writing 4-5 essays a week for this newsletter, many's the week that ends with more stray links than will fit in that format. Here's the previous ones:

https://pluralistic.net/tag/linkdump/

I managed to turn out five posts last week, despite being on tour with my latest novel, The Lost Cause, a hopeful solarpunk novel endorsed by Rebecca Solnit, Bill McKibben and Kim Stanley Robinson. The tour went great – the book's now a national bestseller on the USA Today list! Here's an essay I wrote explaining the structure of the feeling that the book is meant to convey:

https://www.torforgeblog.com/2023/11/14/cory-doctorow-the-swerve/

This is a climate emergency novel full of rising seas, terrible storms, wildfires and zoonotic plagues, and yet – it is a hopeful novel. What makes it hopeful? It depicts a future in which we are treating these phenomena with the gravitas and urgency they warrant, with our whole society's focus shifting to moving coastal cities inland, weatherizing and solarizing our housing, and creating permanent housing for internal refugees.

While it would be infinitely preferable to live in a world where none of that is necessary, that's not the world we have. This is an sf novel, not a fantasy novel, so all the climate harms we've locked in through decades of expensively procured inaction are present. But the difference between disaster and catastrophe is how and whether we address those harms. Sure, this is a world where superstorms wipe away whole cities and Miami is a drowned mangrove swamp, but it's also a world in which oil executives do not chair UN climate summits or complain that oil companies are being "unjustly vilified":

https://www.cnbc.com/2023/11/27/opec-says-oil-industry-unjustly-vilified-ahead-of-climate-talks-.html

I write a lot, and it's not just this newsletter. Writing transports me from my anxieties and aches. That's how I came to write nine books during lockdown ("when life gives you SARS, make sarsaparilla"). Lost Cause was one of three books I published in 2023.

I'm going to greet 2024 with another novel, The Bezzle, a sequel to 2023's Red Team Blues, about the hard-charging, high-tech forensic accountant Marty Hench:

https://us.macmillan.com/books/9781250865878/thebezzle

The Bezzle is a story about the shitty technology adoption curve – the way that the worst technologies we have are first rolled out on the people least able to complain about them. After these bad technologies have their sharp edges sanded down on the bodies of prisoners, refugees and kids, they move up to blue collar workers and discount store shoppers, and so on, until we're all living under their thumb.

In The Bezzle, a dear friend of Marty finds himself serving a long sentence in a privatized California prison that flips from one private equity fund to the next, each with even worse, more extractive ways to use technology to bleed prisoners and their families dry. You can read the opening scenes in a just-published excerpt on Tor Books's site:

https://www.torforgeblog.com/2023/11/20/excerpt-reveal-the-bezzle-by-cory-doctorow/

The period immediately before a book's publication is always a tense one, as the first reviews trickle in. Library Journal's Marlene Harris is the first out of the gate, with a spectacular review:

https://www.libraryjournal.com/review/the-bezzle-1802415

Marty’s reminiscences range from obscure financial machinations to heaping helpings of social commentary but always move the underlying thriller story forward in a backwards heist tale that delivers a righteously satisfying ending to the surprise of both the reader and the villain. This novel, like his previous outing, rides on Marty’s voice. He has a jaundiced view of everything, but he tells it with such style and verve that readers are caught up and ride along on the surface until the shark beneath the water jumps out and bites the villain where it hurts.

I'm headed into Skyboat Media's studios on Monday with @wilwheaton to record the audiobook for this one, directed as ever by the amazing Gabrielle de Cuir. Keep your eyes peeled for a presale crowdfunder in January!

I am often asked how I decide when to present an idea through fiction and when to do so with nonfiction. The answer is a complicated one, and I got into it in some detail on Nature's Working Scientist podcast, in discussion with Paul Shrivastava:

https://www.nature.com/articles/d41586-023-03394-8

When it comes to politics, fiction and nonfiction are intensely complementary. Nonfiction can convey the data about a social phenomenon, but fiction can convey the meaning of the data. It's one thing to see a chart about inequality, and another to inhabit it through fiction. Marty Hench's narrative adventures are a way into the feeling of living in a corrupt oligarchy.

There are other ways into that feeling, of course. Take Barry Bowen's "Lifestyles of the Blessed & Famous: Preacher Homes Sold in 2023" for The Roys Report:

https://julieroys.com/lifestyles-blessed-famous-preacher-homes-sold-2023/?mc_cid=9678383b64

If a picture is worth a thousand words, then carefully staged realtor drone shots ganked from the Redfin listing for a "pastor"'s $3.5m mansion in Newport Beach is a full-on sermon about the corruption of the Hillsong megachurch:

https://www.redfin.com/CA/Newport-Beach/503-30th-St-92663/home/12363926

Narratives and photos are all well and good, but there's always room for some data. The USA's weird breed of federalism and devolved power makes for some very interesting data. Writing for The American Prospect, Paul Starr rounds up several studies evaluating the "natural experiments" created by enacting very different policies in otherwise similar states:

https://prospect.org/health/2023-12-08-life-death-cost-conservative-power/

The data is in: conservativism kills. Living in a red state shortens your life expectancy. The redder the state, the worse it is. The bluer the state, the longer you're likely to live:

https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/1468-0009.12469

The exemplars here are Connecticut and Oklahoma, whose life expectancies were at par until they began to diverge in policies. Oklahoma got more conservative, Connecticut got more liberal. Today, the average Oklahoman will pop their clogs at 75.8, while a Connecticutensian can expect 80.7 years.

Different scholars have parsed out different policy outcomes. Giving Medicaid to children, for example, shows benefits for the next 50 years:

https://www.aeaweb.org/articles?id=10.1257/aer.20171671

The big one, of course, is gun control. Here's the topline: "restrictive state gun policies reduce overall gun deaths." Water also wet:

https://journals.lww.com/epidem/fulltext/2023/11000/the_era_of_progress_on_gun_mortality__state_gun.3.aspx

Fact-free spiritual beliefs like "an armed society is a polite society" are key to conservative policymaking. Pesky progressives who confuse the issue with relevant facts are playing dirty, pointing out reality's unfair leftist bias.

But after 40 years of neoliberal deference to corporate power, the worm is turning. Somehow, a world on fire, filled with megapastors in megamansions who brief for lethal policies, has finally inspired a global vibe-shift (and not a moment too soon!). One of the most tangible expressions of that shift is the revival of antitrust, which has been in a coma since the Reagan administration.

All over the world – the EU, the UK, Ireland, Australia, and the USA – there are new competition enforcers challenging corporate power in ways that were unthinkable just a few years ago. If I'd written an enforcer like FTC chair Lina Khan in 2010, critics would have slammed me for wish-fulfillment too unrealistic for science fiction.

But today, Khan is taking big swings at corporate power, fighting against a calcified edifice of decades of bad, pro-monopoly precedent. The pro-monopoly press hate her, which is why the WSJ keeps publishing sweaty op-eds insisting that she is wasting her time and that monopolies are good, actually:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/07/14/making-good-trouble/#the-peoples-champion

But she is still out there, fighting for all of us. After a pro-monopoly judge stymied the FTC's bid to block the rotten Microsoft/Activision merger, Khan re-filed, appealing the decision:

https://www.reuters.com/markets/deals/us-ftc-tries-again-stop-microsofts-already-closed-deal-activision-2023-12-06/

Critics insist that she's on a foolish errand, but Khan is tackling the most promising face of a sheer cliff, and the plainly anticompetitive merger between one of the world's largest console makers (a convicted monopolist!) with one of the world's largest games publishers is the right place to start. If she can get her piton into one of the hairline cracks in that face, her arduous climb gains a solid anchor for the next stage of her assent.

Of course, Khan's highest-profile action is her case against Amazon, the omnipresent, dystopian poster-child for enshittification, a platform we can't avoid, but which is so haphazardly policed that the bestselling bitter lemon energy drink you order might be bottled piss harvested from its immiserated drivers:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/10/20/release-energy/#the-bitterest-lemon

In a world of murderous, community-destroying monopolies, Amazon stands out for the sheer number of ways it makes the world worse. Amazon maims its warehouse workers and kills its drivers with impossible quotas. It poisons Black and brown neighborhoods with truck exhaust from its giant depots. It destroys small businesses that sell on its platform. It was part of the studio cabal scheming to destroy actors and writers' livelihoods with unfair contracts and AI. Its audiobook monopoly stole at least $100m from independent authors. It makes goods and services more expensive at every retailer (not just Amazon), and price-gouges on its own storefront:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/11/06/attention-rents/#consumer-welfare-queens

Keeping that scam going requires a lot of skullduggery. A new set of leaked internal Amazon documents shed some light on how that inedible sausage gets made:

https://www.vice.com/en/article/wxjbm9/amazon-brags-it-cultivated-california-mayor-with-donations-in-leaked-policy-document

Amazon's "Community Engagement Plan 2024" brags about buying off small-town mayors and astroturf groups in its bid to resist regulations that would limit warehouse delivery van emissions in communities of color (Amazon calls this "philanthropic work"). Coincidentally, that "philanthropy" targeted Perris, a town where residents voted for a warehouse tax to repair the roads that had been trashed by fleets of Amazon vans.

But the real focus of Amazon's "Community Engagement" is California's AB1000, a bill that will limit the construction of supersized, 100k+ sqft warehouses near daycare centers, schools or rec centers. Secondarily, Amazon is hoping to get California to make it easier to advertise alcohol around kids, to "unlock" California's liquor market.

This kind of shameless, mustache-twirling villainry can only go on so long before it meets resistance. One of the longest-running, hardest fought struggles against corporate malfeasance is the farmers' right ro repair fight against John Deere. Deere boobytraps its tractors so that after a farmer repairs a Deere tractor, they have to wait for days, and pay hundreds of dollars, for a Deere technician to come out to the farm and type an unlock code into the tractor's console:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/05/08/about-those-kill-switched-ukrainian-tractors/

Despite multiple state right-to-repair initiatives and a pending rulemaking from the FTC, Deere is still fucking around. Now, they've found out. US District Court Judge Iain Johnson just handed Deere a scathing, 89-page memo rejecting the company's bid to kill a class action suit brought by its customers:

https://www.reuters.com/legal/litigation/deere-must-face-us-farmers-right-to-repair-lawsuits-judge-rules-2023-11-27/?ref=404media.co

The memo hearkens back to company founder John Deere, "an innovative farmer and blacksmith who—with his own hands—fundamentally changed the agricultural industry":

https://www.404media.co/a-massive-repair-lawsuit-against-john-deere-clears-a-major-hurdle/

Judge Johnson tells Deere's lawyers that the real John Deere "would be deeply disappointed in his namesake corporation," and calls out their lying. You love to see it.

This kind of thing is happening all over the world as policymakers, regulators and lawmakers take aim at corporate power. The Australian government just announced that it would force Apple to open up iOS to alternative browser engines:

https://open-web-advocacy.org/blog/new-digital-competition-laws-for-australia/

This is obscure and technical, but that's why it's so exciting: rather than mumbling broad platitudes about competition and user choice, the Australian Competition and Consumer Commission's regulation targets a critical leverage point where a small change will deliver huge benefits:

https://www.accc.gov.au/media-release/consumers-and-small-businesses-to-benefit-from-proposed-new-regulation-of-digital-platforms

While there are many browsers in Apple's App Store, they're all just reskinned versions of Safari, all running on the same core engine, Webkit. Webkit is ancient, undermaintained and feature-poor. Crucially, Webkit does not implement the parts of the HTML5 standard needed for WebApps, which would allow app developers a safe channel to offer apps that don't go through Apple's App Store monopoly chokepoint:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/12/13/kitbashed/#app-store-tax

Now, there's a big jump between announcing this kind of regulation and enacting it. As Mark Nottingham points out, Australia's had an "in principle" commitment to enact a privacy regulation for two successive governments, with no actual regulation in sight:

https://techpolicy.social/@mnot/111546662237364754

So we can't take these announcements as a sign to declare victory and stand down. The policymakers who announce these proposals deserve our accolades for the announcement and they require our constant vigilance until they make good on their promises.

That's the case in Ireland, where the Coimisiún na Meán has just published a fantastic regulatory proposal for recommendation systems, requiring recommenders to be turned off by default and that recommendations based on "political views, sexuality, religion, ethnicity or health" have to be switched off by default:

https://www.cnam.ie/wp-content/uploads/2023/12/Draft_Online_Safety_Code_Consultation_Document_Final.pdf

It's especially significant that this is coming out of Ireland, a corporate crime haven that has successfully lured the world's tech giants into flying its flag of convenience, with the guarantee of tax evasion and lax regulation:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/05/15/finnegans-snooze/#dirty-old-town

This rule won't enforce itself. It'll require constant vigilance and pressure. There's plenty of ways to do that on a part-time, voluntary basis, but if this kind of thing enflames you enough to make a career out of it, here's a tenure-track job for an infosec professor at Citizen Lab, fearless slayers of high-tech corporate ogres:

https://jobs.utoronto.ca/job/Toronto-Assistant-Professor-Information-Security-ON/576463017/

That's all for this week's linkdump. It's time for me to go hole up in my office and wrap presents. When I do, I'll be tuning into the latest Merry Mixmas MP3 of Christmas mashups from DJ Riko:

http://www.djriko.com/dls/DJ%20Riko%20-%20Merry%20Mixmas%202023.mp3

Riko's Christmas mashups have been part of my holidays for more than two decades now. He's been making them for 22 years! That's a lot of great holiday mashups:

https://www.djriko.com/mixmases.htm

If you'd like an essay-formatted version of this post to read or share, here's a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/12/09/gallimaufry/#marty-hench-rides-again

[voskhozhdeniye]

I also said in 2020. If the country could not handle the dangers of Covid, something that was killing people left and right here in America without fucking it up, and I'm talking about citizens co-opting the government's do whatever policy.

How were they going to handle the existential crisis of what's happening now?

The same way they handled Covid, denial.

Early in the pandemic I saw a post from someone that said, America is a very masculine country. If you tell them someone needs to be saved, they run for a gun. (The Aaron Bushnell video.....) Obsessed with appearing strong, they only learn lessons the hard way.

Which means many people have to die before change ever occurs, if it occurs at all.

I have been wanting to write a long work shit post for a while. I'm noticing something there that I'm seeing everywhere.

Coworker has been having shoulder pain for a year now. She probably needs surgery. I don't think she can afford it, plus I don't think she has the support around her to care for her in recovery like she would need. She lives with her BFF, our old boss, but I'd rather hang out with T Swizzle.

So she does nothing.

And the shoulder pain is just getting worse.

Her inaction, whether from her inability to afford the surgery, or whatever is leading to a bigger more rigorous obstacle in the future, possibly permanent damage.

She's calling out every week because of the pain, which is fucking her money up. She's afraid of the cost, but is losing money not doing anything.

I do what I can to help her, but I am being physically destroyed by the job too. I have also reached the point where I have realized many of my coworkers.........

In a Souls game, the point is to reach from checkpoint to checkpoint. When you reach a checkpoint and unlock it, all of the enemies you fought your way through to get there are revived in their original positions. The point is to remember enemy position and tactics. If you're having trouble fighting an enemy, practice, spar with it to learn how it attacks you. I like to imagine it's Groundhogs Day for enemies when I go farming in the game. ( I know that knight by the Artist's Shack in the lakes hates me!)

There is a checkpoint somewhere at work, because these people have no memory, and make the same mistakes everyday. People who have been with the company for 20, 30, 40, and some 50 years. I have coworkers in their '60s who started here in high school.

Watching people in their '50s and '60s running around at a job they've had for decades unsure how to do something they're suppose to do everyday is killing me more than anything. Gaza, I get that, that's colonialism.

A lot of these people, nobody's home. I feel like for a lot of them, making it to adulthood, finishing high school was the accomplishment of their lives. They're an adult, a finished product. They're nothing more to learn, that's how they act.

We have a coworker, who cannot read or write, but bosses everyone. Will ask you to read something for him, and then disrespect you.

A special needs employee who calls female employees cunts to their face.

Rape coworker is deteriorating physically and mentally. He refuses to take care of himself and is paying for it. He brought a water gun to work the other day and was shooting people.........................................

And coworker called out last night, Thursday is a holiday, we get holiday pay. I bet she thought she would call out last night and make up the money Thursday. Management took her off the schedule for Thursday

Fucking up her money even more.

This inaction, this denial of what's happening. On an earthly, country and for some personal level, no object permanence.

As Dark Souls coworker told me a few months back, he does his best to not know what's going on. I think he's lying though. This man used to read every bill that went through congress. I think he's having trouble swallowing the lie.

[vanmarkus]

Weekend Wip Game ✨

I was tagged by the lovely @daffi-990 thank you mwuah 😘

Rules: List your WIPs below (if you only write one fic at a time, feel free to include future WIPs/ideas!) then answer the following questions. Then, tag as many people as you have WIPs (or more)

(I cut it off halfway cuz I went long like always...)

1. WIP List:

so as you know my wip list is pretty long, but the active ones right now are:

• the mudslide fic

• the jealous eddie fic

• the breeding kink fic

• the accident fic

• the donation smut

2. Which of your WIPs is currently the longest?

the mudslide fic is currently standing at 38.6k and I expect at the very least 20k more... which wouldn't just make it my longest current wip, but also the longest fic I've ever written

3. Which WIP do you expect will end up the longest?

the mudslide fic hands down, unless something drastic happens and one of my wips gets away from me (though from the inactive wips I expect two of them to be around the same length, possibly)

4. Which WIP is your favourite to write/the most enjoyable to write? Why?

I enjoy all of them, but the mudslide fic is surprisingly joyous to write, even though it's mostly just me putting the boys through the emotional and physical wringer lmao

5. Which WIP do you find the most intimidating to write? Why?

listen. I love writing the mudslide fic, but I kinda wrote myself into a hole with it, in the sense that I included a couple of real life locations (though only vaguely) that I just had to make shit up for, which is fine cuz the show does the same, but... idk it's long and the boys spend quite a large chunk of the story separate and it makes me worry that people will find it boring or just idk will be nitpicky about it... like, I have confidence in my writing, but I'm also forever insecure about it??? ugh

6. Which WIP do you experience the most self-doubt about. Why?

uhhh I guess the accident fic?? because it's short and it's kind of written in the way I usually write ficlets, which means I don't spiral about the details that much and now I'm worried that it's gonna seem rushed or way too out of sorts 😓

7. Which of your WIPs will you seek out a beta/sensitivity reader for? Why?

none of them, I'm very much a fuck it we ball type of writer

8. Have any of your WIPs been struck by the curse of writer’s block?

yeppppp. that's why I have so many active wips atm cuz I got stuck on both of my main ones 🥲

9. Which WIP has your favourite OC? Tell us about them?

the mudslide fic – and she's barely even in it, but she grew on me anyway 💛

10. Which WIP is the sexiest?

I have to say the donation smut... or the breeding kink fic, whichever floats your boat I guess

11. Which WIP is the angstiest?

the mudslide fic, definitely

12. Which WIP has the best characterisation (in your humble opinion)?

I'm not sure??? like, I try my best in all of them, but I can't necessarily say if I succeeded idk

13. Which WIP has the best scene setting (in your humble opinion)?

again, I'm probably gonna have to go with the mudslide fic

14. Which WIP have you worked the hardest on?

👆 I've been doing quite a lot of research going into legal procedures, sixth grade curriculum and body decomposition in water, just to name a few (and most of these barely feature btw 🥲), not to mention looking at the map of LA constantly to gauge distances, but it's still kinda fun though

15. Which WIP do you have the highest expectations for? Why?

uhmmm I don't have high expectations for any of them, if we're talking about like, comments and kudos and stuff... usually the fics I just write in a moment of inspiration and just throw online get more attention than the ones I try to finetune for hours/days/weeks, so you know... I try to write fics for myself and hope that there are people they resonate with 🫶

16. Do you dream about any of your WIPs?

listen, I have really hectic and weird dreams, but I don't think I ever dreamed about any of my wips

17. Do any of your WIPs have particular complexities that your other fics don’t?

well, if nothing else, operating with this many characters is something I'm not exactly used to, so the mudslide fic and the jealous eddie fic are kinda unique in that regard, I suppose

18. Which WIP is the funniest or has the most humour?

I'm not... exactly big on writing goofy stuff, which is unfortunate because I love reading it, but I mean it a 100% when I say angst and smut is my bread and butter

19. Do any of your WIPs contain outside POVs or a deep dive on a character other than the main ship? How are you finding that process?

not a very deep dive, but I do touch on a side character's background in the mudslide fic, no outside povs though

20. Tell us one thing we don’t know about one or more of your WIPs

idk?? uhh it's not an active wip, but all I could think about is that Homesick For Your Skin isn't my first parallel universe fic, but it's the first one I had to work out without magic 🪄

I'm sure most of you have already done this, but here are five no pressure tags anyway:

@forthewolves @jesuisici33 @callaplums @ladydorian05 @disasterbuckdiaz

[kuschelkissen]

Ok. Ok, so... I need to "gush" a bit. This will be a long post, so I'll put it under a cut.

Background: I'm from Germany. In the early 2000s, we had this big anime-themed fanpage called Animexx. I mean, we still have that page, it's just gotten really quiet over there with the rise of Social Media.

Anyway.

That page had/has everything. You could submit fanart, fanfic, doujinshi/fancomics, cosplay photography, you could roleplay, write weblogs, there was a forum, etc, etc. It still feels a bit of a dream, but I loved this page because you could find EVERYTHING there.

That cool cosplayer you saw on the convention? If you went on Animexx, you'd probably find them and could tag them in the photo you took of them (this is still the thing I missed the most when I was more active in cosplay...).

I sometimes look back at my old fanart and fanfic over there and read the nice comments I got.

I think their downfall was mostly the many, many rules regarding fanart quality, cosplay quality, and last but not least, the whims of unfair mods ... but that's a topic for a different post.

SO ANYWAY.

They had - still have - a section for fanarts called "Aikos Lieblinge" - Aiko's favourites (Aiko being one of the mascots of that page). I think they rotate each week? I'm not 100% sure, but it's always 6 pictures that get chosen? Tbh I don't really know how it works, I know you can suggest a fanart for it, and I assume the 6 pictures with the most suggestions get chosen.

Back then, it was a big deal. If you were among Aiko's favourites, you'd get pages after pages of comments. 60-100 comments on your picture were pretty common, really good pictures got even more.

I always looked at that longingly, I usually got maybe 2-6 comments, and the most I got were my very old One Piece fanarts where I actually managed to get around 20, and even 40 comments on one.

SO. ANYWAY.

It finally happened. I've been on this page for 20 years (joined in May 2004 and have never really left, though been inactive every now and then through the years), and today I opened the fanart front page to see...

My Heizuha picture on there! 🥺 I made it! I made it into Aiko's favourites!!

I try not to listen to the tiny voice in my head that keeps grumbling "well, NOW it doesn't matter anymore, it's not like there's still a whole lot of people active over there!", because even though that may be true... this stupid moment just has lifted my mood SO MUCH??

I KNOW it is useless. I'm not gonna get an influx of new followers over there, and a whole bunch of people commenting on my picture(s). But just knowing what it used to be... knowing that there were at least SOME people thinking my stupid little drawing was good enough to be suggested for this...

It makes me incredibly happy ='//)

[spikeinthepunch]

Well, I didn't expect to be sitting down an deciding to write a lengthy personal post about the app, Vent. But its shutting down for good in literally two days. If this was any other situation where it slowly just became inactive but stayed up, I wouldn't mention it. But an app shutting down for good is a big deal, and I'll cross my fingers that I get sent the data I requested.

Vent is an app I feel like everyone seems to be aware of but left and forgot after its boom in 2016-2017. no one really says that they use it, most left it after that period. its pretty well known for weird and absurd kin posts and drama and other nonsense. having been on it since it launched, i saw... so much. so so much.

Having gotten to it around age 16, that app houses a huge amount of personal posts I made on an app I considered the best place to dump some of the most private, venty things. Boy does it catalogue a huge series of development and mental growth. And above all stands as a lesson to myself on how to manage such personal things around others online. What is to be said isn't me forcing a lesson on the reader, but just expressing what I learned- because in those teenage years it was easy to want to have all my online friends involved in seeing my vent posts. That Age on tumblr, that culture around validation and mental illness- I wanted validation and post interactions. I vented a lot, teen years sucked- this seemed fine to do from my unaware mind but it caused so much tension, stress, and drama in my closest relationships that I still wish hadnt occurred- but can accept that behavior years later... i was just a teen, it wasn't surprising. Getting your bestest friends in a private closed circle of venting is not as good of an idea as you'd want it to be, to say the least. Especially when you're teens and dont have therapy.

But that is to say- Vent became its best to me when I closed it off entirely to everyone except for one good mutual I had gained purely through Vent, and eventually one key IRL friend. Me, two other people. That was it. It turned into a diary for years after I chose to do that and it had been very useful for me. One or two people I didn't mind getting a glimpse into things, especially after i matured and learned to...better control and understand how to vent in a healthier way. It was somewhere I went to maybe once a month, maybe less frequently, to just... throw out a huge post documenting my feelings and important thoughts from the last many weeks. Great big summaries I'd have no energy to split up into a priv twitter thread, or post on public blogs.

Growth. So so much growth. So much in all those posts and all that time. Almost 8 years of my incredibly personal thoughts sit on that app and it sucks knowing that place will be gone for good. There could be a miracle but it seems unlikely.

For those never on the app, or stopped using it ages back- Vent has been a mess for a long time. It has gone through various changes in hopes of keeping it alive- for years its just been all over the place. It barely functions most times. It's been limping for years now and it was always a joke to me that it hadn't gone down yet. It seemed inevitable- and here we are! Gone on the 28th of Feb, and it was only stated a few days ago. And theyd been promising they had an alternative..

Losing things like this sucks, because it is a part of the internet. People love to say nothing truly goes away on the internet- and thats just not true. Time and time again we lose apps and websites with no backups or way to view them reliably. Newer age technology makes this especially harder to preserve. While I and others have requested our data, there will be hundreds if not thousands of accounts left to vanish after Vent shuts down, especially given the incredibly short notice.

So, RIP Vent, you were already dead for some years anyways. But I appreciate what I made of it and its a shame I can't think of any place where I could keep this kind of diary up still.

[sobcat]

01. Notes on London

A little blog entry on my vacation and future.

It takes a lot for me sometimes to take myself serious. After my vacation to London I’ve wanted to write a little bit, a small collection and conclusions of said vacation. It’s been about three weeks since I left my flat to take the nightbus to the airport (mind you, way too early) and I’ve kind of hoped to find the perfect words for this quite expensive endeavour, but just like any inanimate objects can’t move towards you the perfect words didn’t either. In the end it’s the same lesson again and again, and while I seem to learn that inaction leads to inaction I just can’t apply that properly [...]

In 2019 I’ve visited London with my family and a close friend, us two trying to soak up every possibility out of each hour of the day, leaving the very British Airbnb at 8am and returning at 8pm. I was maybe 15, almost 16, and honestly didn’t expect myself to have some kind of profound realisation about the path I want to take with my life through leaving my usual environment. But I loved London and knew I’d return one day. Before I did, I went to Florence, Italy, an attempt at my first big girl solo travel, a few weeks after I turned 18 and with the money I earned through selling strawberries. In spite of my newfound impression of being all grown up I was terribly insecure and while independent, only so in theory. Still, absolutely lovely country.

My intention was never to go to London alone, a good friend of mine, Nugget (no that’s not her real name), and I have been daydreaming of going there while suffering in the last months before A-levels and graduation (nobody else was crying, shaking and throwing up like me during that time), however in the end she kind of bailed on me and I’ve decided that as always going alone is just easier. At least she gave me her oystercard (with -6P on it but I’ve healed).

I’m not going to waffle for long about all the great things I did (I could! Definitely could) so here is a very short list: ate amazing spicy Pho, went to every important museum, meet a lovely friend for the first time, saw art, walked enough for the next few months, bought 24 books deliberately on accident and slept in a pathetic hotel room. I had so much fun and on the second day when I stood on the millennium bridge, looking on the sunny skyline I truly realised I’m not home, I’m actually quite far away and it’s great! I left London four nights later already longing to come back.

I love the city. I live in the city, I need the city. Nonetheless London left me wanting to explore nature, not being able to even feel the presence of another being for kilometres. This isn’t an uncommon, special desire, most people at some point crave the wildness. I constantly consume media of people leaving everyday life for a roadtrip (Noah Caldwell-Gervais on YT), a hike or expedition. However I never wanted to experience that myself, I was happy watching. I’m not anymore. Again, I’ll return to London but not before leaving for more than just the city.

In terms of seeking a break from everyday life I was rewarded with a cut, almost a blackout, there’s before and after London now, like I’ve restarted the year on the 6th of February. I don’t feel much different now, not as motivated to finish my many projects as I hoped I’d be (you know, inaction and inaction) but I needed this more than I’d like to admit. A lot of my savings went into this and God! I needed to leave, and I need to leave again and probably I need to leave as often as it takes to realise that I won’t find myself far away where nobody knows me, but rather in the life I’ve been building for the past year.

To conclude this rather unorganized ramble (it’s really not that unorganized) I’m young, while I left behind the questioning unsure space between graduation and the next education (for now) and that’s for once perfectly fine, I don’t wish to grow up faster than time would allow me and honestly I just need to go on a long walk, think, and come back to repeat it all next week.

:3

[ratking-lyrr]

This week has been hellish. Necessary and good for my health, but painful. I just want to write about it to have it out there in the open and maybe mark the day, because right now things are going to get better. This is going to get a bit long so I'm putting it under a cut.

After a lot of reflection, I've come to realize I've been used an abused for a long time. Maybe not groomed specifically, but I was absolutely pulled into adult spaces as a kid. Like, when I was in junior high school. And, well, manipulated into doing kink and fetish art and roleplay for people. It started small and innocent, then slowly became more overt, by a rotating cast of creeps. It sucks. It's another aspect of my life that leads me to feel like I never got to be a kid properly.

I think a lot of my problems stem from this. Those people would get upset with me if I talked to people outside that space, shame me for experimenting or drawing SFW art, and get angry if I was playing games or doing schoolwork instead of roleplaying. And even now, as an adult, sometimes one reaches out to insult me. "Why are you not drawing kink stuff? I like your normal fursona more, so stop drawing that stupid ugly cat (Pascal.) You're disappointing your fans. Draw what WE want." And that still does affect me. I still don't talk much outside of a few people and I spend a lot of time laying down, inactive. A lot of my artistic progress has regressed over the year because of it. I'm sure you might have noticed I'm not as experimental as I was last spring and summer.

I've managed to properly cut off all of those people as well as I can, as of this morning. Blocking accounts, exiting Discords, that sort of thing. Most were banned, inactive or nobody accounts. A few were genuine people that did apologize or weren't actually aware of my age at the time, but we've still closed off contact. Whoever slips through the cracks now really doesn't matter to me anymore, so I think I can call myself free. And I can be open about it. None of them care about my page here.

All that said, despite everything, I'm still who I am now because of that. I've been piecing myself back together over this past year or so and this was one of the toughest bits to figure out. Tossing the people and the memories. I'm glad to be rid of my abusers. I'm not going to turn a negative into a positive. What I went through sucks and I hope no one else ever has to. I should find a way to live with it for my well being, at least.

I still love what I do. I'm still a kinky asexual, though I wish I could have discovered that in my own time. I still love to make NSFW (and SFW, of course) for my actual friends, with permission. It feels empowering to have turned that around into a show of care and affection for those close to me, as opposed to just a product for the people that used to act like they cared. I'm still an artist, no matter what.

I think I'm happier now. My head is certainly clearer and I feel like a burden's gone now that I shouldn't have to deal to those people. It was tough and stupid, but I should have more space to flourish.

[maganne-bonete]

I think this might be the most stressful birthday week by far and it's only Tuesday.

I've been aware that my grandfather had dementia maybe weeks or more than a month ago but the thought of it has been troubling me lately.

Recently my bitch of an aunt went to my grandfather's house and ended up arguing with my cousin who's living there. She pulled out a phone to record him and threatened to send the police at him for idk what reason. My sibling and I had to question on what grounds exactly, and my mom even said that she really doesn't have any. My dad questioned my grandfather abt it but since his memory's been deteriorating, he doesn't even know who she was anymore.

But it pisses me off on the fact of how much many of my relatives were so shitty to my grandfather and cousin to begin with. Not that I have full context nor are they shitty towards them 24/7, but my mom jokes that my dad becomes an only child everynight just to take care of my grandpa, despite all our relatives living much closer and my dad being the 7th son of my grandfather. My cousin couldn't take care of him anymore since he started being hostile towards him because of his condition. So it really isn't like I could have a good view on the situation either.

And my cousin, who's an orphan and couldn't afford his own house, constantly gets berated by my aunts growing up and barely ever supported him. It mostly had to be my parents even who made sure he finished highschool and got a degree. My parents even suggested the idea of letting him live with us if he ever get's kicked from there by my other aunt who moved into the house cause of some tradition. Traditionally in our province the youngest kid gets to inherit the parent's house once the time comes but my grandfather is literally still alive. It puts a bad taste in my mouth. (Same aunt never invited my mom or my dad's side of the family to her wedding either)

But it's been also really troubling me how my grandfather's been lately. He even thinks my dad's his grandson rather than his actual son these days. Like, I feel like I haven't spent enough time with him at all and now he's slowly forgetting everything. And as much as how I've been bitching abt my relatives I don't think I'm any better either.

Maybe it's because I'm sad that he probably doesn't remember the times I've been delivering food for him from our house. Or the times he's driven the jeepney just to bring me and my cousins back and forth to school. He was still okay earlier this year when we celebrated his birthday but so much has already happened.

There's this sense of grief I've been feeling it seems. Forgetting is a fate worse than dying, and it makes me wished that I've asked more abt his life straight from his mouth. It's like I allowed him to die this way to begin with.

Like, I'm not an idiot. I, of all people should've tried asking him, writing abt him, recording his stories. He was a boy during the world war and he even worked out of country. There's probably a lot I didn't know that I could only now hear from my father instead. And I just allowed him to die like this even if I knew I should've done better. I should know because history has always been my passion and now, and especially one day, I would pay the price for my laziness and inaction.

There may only be my mother's mother left. She's in Manila right now and even she doesn't have forever. I need to make the right questions. Ask about the times she's lived. Even she was a child during the world wars. Their house in Bikol got bombed directly the moment they left the building. That story still horrifies me and keeps me up sometimes. They could've died there.

Idk, there's just so much I also need to do but this feeling I've been having, this dread, has been eating me up.

[sandrunelovesart]

Yoo I thought no one would know who I am on tumblr, it makes me so so happy to see there's people who reminds me, even when I'm so inactive, thank you so much!

(I need to learn how to use tumblr better, I really like this place)

Are you named after anyone?

Not directly since I didn't choose my name for them but yes since I took it from the greek god Hermes and Ermes the jojo character (I don't like jojo that much but I fell in love with her name).

When was the last time you cried?

Two weeks ago when I came back home after meeting with some friends (I was just so happy I was able to meet such amazing people in my lifetime).

Do you have kids?

No. I don't dislike completely the idea of having kids in the future but it seems unlikely (the perks of being trans and aroace).

What sports did you/do you play?

Does dancing count? I went to hip hop classes for a few wears, it's the only sport that gives me joy. I hated PE at school.

Do you use sarcasm?

Sometimes, I used it a lot more in the past, now I'm more scared of hurting people by accident.

Whats the first thing you notice about other people?

Hmmm I have never thought about it. I guess it depends on how I'm feeling that day, sometimes it's their voice, their clothes or their body language (it fascinates me how everyone moves through the world differently).

Eye color?

Brown. The kind that's like hazel and people say it looks green-ish under direct sunlight but it's just a lighter shade of brown.

Scary movies or happy endings?

Happy endings!

Any talents?

I don't have any very interesting. I'm really flexible so I can bend my fingers back far than usual, do the splits and pass my arms with my hands together over my head (though I try not to do that as ofter because it messes up with my joins).

Where were you born?

Spain :) (where I live too, though not on the same place, I've moved a few times in my life)

What are your hobbies?

Drawing, reading, knitting and crochet, making stuff (like earrings, patches, clothes...), playing board games and rpgs like dnd (I'd love to larp in the future too), listening to music and playing music (I play the flute), I also like writing silly stories about my OCs, learning about random stuff on the internet, watching series/movies and then drawing fanart of them, dancing, dressing up (it's been a while since I did it for the last time but I love cosplaying and doing experimental makeup and outfits).

Do you have pets?

Yes! four cats.

How tall are you?

167 cm

Favorite subject in school?

Art and this one very specific subject I had one year about technology and programming.

Dream job?

Being an artist, I'm studying design at college but I'd love to work being a concept artist, editorial designer/covers illustrator or something like that (I'm working on it, the art world is difficult to navigate).

tags:

I don't really know who to @ :') If you whoever you are seeing this want to do it consider yourself tagged.

Thanks for the tag @storkmuffin :)

Are you named after anyone? Not my first name, which I just chose because I liked it, but one of my middle names is Bowie (as in David Bowie).

When was the last time you cried? A couple of weeks ago, when I was feeling completely overwhelmed by the state of trans rights globally and especially in the UK (where I live) and the ongoing tragedies happening as a result. (Sidenote: it's weird to me how little I've cried since starting T, I used to cry multiple times a week and now it's every few months)

Do you have kids? No.

What sports do you play/have you played? I swam for about 6-8 years as a kid but always kinda hated it, and eventually quit when the dysphoria became too much. I did football and badminton on and off too, but was never really good at anything (asthma & possible dyspraxia & hypermobility etc.). Now I'm trying to run and work out mostly just to stay healthy. I'd like to get back into swimming but can't really afford to go to a pool regularly and I'm scared to go by myself. I also go to a lgbtq+ football club weekly when I'm in my hometown (my friend started an under-18s one which I used to do too and it was pretty much my only positive experience of sports).

Do you use sarcasm? Rarely, and only with close friends where we mutually joke like that with each other.

What's the first thing you notice about people? I actually don't know. I think most of the time I'm too caught up in the anxiety of meeting someone new that I'm more focussed on myself.

What's your eye colour? Bluey grey.

Scary movies or happy endings? Happy endings. I'll watch some scary movies but sometimes they just make me too anxious to enjoy them.

Any talents? I can read pretty quickly with good comprehension (I like to take my time when reading for fun, but as an english lit student who always has a fuck ton of essays and shit to read, it's handy), I can bake really good gingerbread, and I'm weirdly good at immitating people's walks (the same way some people can do voice impressions).

Where were you born? A small city in south west england (not saying more than that for safety/privacy).

What are your hobbies? I read (a lot); I write fiction, poetry, book reviews & TV show reviews (see pinned post on where to find some of these); I embroider and sew; I enjoy baking and cooking but don't do it much atm because I don't like my flatmates so I spend as little time as possible in our kitchen where I might see them; I like going for walks but it can be difficult to get out into nature without a car (ironically) and sometimes I just solve number puzzles/do maths for fun.

Do you have any pets? Yes, this idiot (affectionate). Technically she lives with my parents, but still. Her name's Pepper and she's a generic black cat (it's hard to work out breeds of cats and she's an adopted former stray so there's no breeding history or whatever).

How tall are you? 1.72m

Favourite subject in school? It alternated between english literature and maths.

Dream job? Author/forest wizard/please don't make me enter the workforce (I'm a uni student atm)/I don't know what I want to do with my life.

@yourlocalcorvidcryptid @autisticfordprefect @feral-enfield-with-wifi sorry if any of y'all have already done this and I missed it.

[calicoscat]

literally nobody asked but for the last one in this meme, @nymphofsplendor‘s jinyoung is someone yoomi (my muse) would marry

[msookyspooky]

Terrible Trilogy

Part 13

wordcount: 7,336

"YN tell me, why do you still feel guilty?" 

You looked at Henry with an uneasy frown. You remember this, it was your last therapy session with him not quite 2 years ago. 

"What do you mean? I stopped Sidney from being stabbed." 

"Yes, but we've been over this. You did what you felt was right at the time. If Ms. Weathers wasn't there; it would have been inevitable. We made progress and then within the last few weeks, this guilt has returned. Why is that?" 

You released a shaky sigh in your chair. "Then maybe it's not exactly what I feel guilty over...I don't know." 

He sighed himself, sitting his pen and clipboard in his lap. "YN, you clearly feel upset over something. It's safe to tell me what it is." 

You were quiet...You couldn't tell him the guilt was from allowing Stu Macher to stay at your house out of fear and his emotional manipulation he was so good at; Making you feel sorry for him. It was always presented as him being some poor old friend with a change of heart...But he would drop tiny hints laced as jokes about what he could do if you called the police. You were stuck and felt guilt towards your living and decreased friends over the choice you were forced to make. 

You sidestepped. "Henry...Do you think there's any way that Tim and James could have actually been Billy or Stu?"

"YN, we've been over this as well... No I don't. I think you were under a lot of stress and the brain has a way of making us think a traumatic experience is similar to another. It's a sense of familiarity that's comforting to us." 

You sat up to look at him. "Randy thought it was them too. Gale. They said-" 

"What they wanted everyone to hear. These types of people get a rush from inacting other murderers that are represented in their minds as aspiring idols." 

You shook your head with a bitter smile. "So...You'll never believe me if I tell you?" 

"Tell me what, YN?" 

You lightly hit the chair under you. "Nothing, just forget I said anything." 

"YN, what is it? Is it the fact you think it's possible for them to still be after you?" 

"I...Maybe. I don't know. But what if they are? What if Tim and James were-" 

He eyed you and wrote something down on his pad before you even finished your sentence. You shot up with a glare. He only writes when you talk about Billy and Stu and you could just tell he thought you were hallucinating...Again.

"What are you writing, Henry? That I'm delusional when everyone else saw them too including Detective Andrews and Richards?" 

"They saw Tim and James, YN." 

"Who's to say they were?! What if...What if they're still out there? Billy and Stu…. I mean, we know Tim and James or whoever is still out there." You tried saving yourself.

"YN, is there something you need to get off your chest?" 

You shook your head. "Why? So you can label me insane all because it wasn't proven who they were?" 

"Then why did you tell the police they were Tim and James if you're so certain it could have been the actual Billy Loomis and Stu Macher?" 

You went to stand up. "Because they wouldn't believe me just like you don't and I'd rather not be labeled a bigger laughing stock than I already am. Did they do anything to REALLY find Tim or James? No. After a few short months of nothing, they considered it a cold case and stopped looking… They abandoned the case, and therefore, abandoned me." You stood up and put on your jacket. "Now, I have to watch my own back for two murderers whether they were Billy or Stu or not." 

You knew they were. Stu just visited your house a few weeks ago for the first time. You couldn't tell him that. Not now after seeing he would protest against even entertaining the possibility. You felt like your last ditch effort to out Stu was shot down. You didn't turn him in at Windsor as Stu because you thought he would just leave and you'd never see him again...If you knew he was going to be staying at your place; you may have thought otherwise. But then Gale would have found a way to twist it or the media or the police...You were stuck and desperate for someone to help you in some way but there was no one.

"YN, please sit down. This is a safe place where you can talk about anything or nothing. If you don't want to talk about it then we don't have to. " 

You stared at him long and hard before shaking your head. "...I think this is going to be our last session. All we do is go back and forth over the same topics and it leads to nowhere or we beat around the bush because I can't tell you." 

"YN, I don't think it's wise to end therapy. You've been through a lot and-" 

"Am I a danger to myself or others, Henry?" 

He stared at you. "No." 

"Then you can't force me to be your patient any longer. We're done. I'm sorry but I'm not going on medication for thinking Billy and Stu were Tim and James or thinking they could still be alive or for being flighty over loud noises and crowds, Henry." 

"That is not what I recommended the medication for...YN, I feel you will benefit from medication." 

"For what you think are hallucinations?" You pressed.

He sighed heavily. "Not for what happened at Windsor but for your behavior in between instances. Considering multiple times between our first session and now you have called me describing seeing things. Masks in a crowd, outside your windows, seeing who you think are Billy Loomis or Stu Macher or even seeing glimpses your deceased friend Sidney…Perhaps I do think it's best." 

You scoffed. "That was before Windsor! I panicked, okay?! I haven't told you I saw them since! You're telling me no one can think they see something when they're scared?" 

"And medication will help you not be scared of everything." 

"So it's gonna numb me? Just make me forget all my very valid worries?" 

"No, but it will help with night terrors and paranoia...And hallucinations. YN, you have anxiety, depression and PTSD and right now you're lashing out out of fear...Why are you fighting trying out medication so badly when it could help you? It's been 3 years, YN. You can't live in fear forever so why not take something to help your nerves and overactive mind?" 

"Because I don't need medication for something that's re-" You cut yourself off. "I don't want to be on medication when I haven't seen anything 'not real' in over a year. And what was real or not real, Henry? Tim and James were actively making me crazy for how long? How long, Henry? You weren't there! With due respect, you're just going off what I tell you." 

"And you could tell me more and help me understand, YN. You had awful people do awful things to you and you need help." 

Your shoulders untensed as you frowned at him. "...You're right and I'm sorry...But I'm taking a break from therapy sessions with you...You don't understand and I can't fully explain it to you...I'm sorry." You turned away, trying to swallow the lump in your throat. 

He wasn't really at fault but after Windsor, after finding out that they did survive and were now a giant secret you were forced to keep out of pure survival; Therapy wasn't the same. It didn't feel relieving like it once did but just one more person to hide this from who was thinking you were hallucinating from tiny tidbits of information you would drop just to see if you could tell him. You were dying to tell someone, anyone...But you couldn't. 

Henry spoke up as you walked away. "...What are you so afraid of?" 

You went to open the door but it was locked. You don't remember it being locked… "Henry, can you get the door for me?" 

He didn't move...This wasn't what you remembered. You turned back to him. "Henry?" 

He shook his head. "I don't think you're fit to leave here yet, YN." 

You felt panic set in as you jerked the door handle. "Henry?....Henry?! You cannot keep me here, Henry! This is unethical and illegal as long as I'm not a threat!"

You jerked the door before someone spoke up...Someone you haven't heard from in 5 years. "Baby...YN, I think you need to sit down and listen to the Doc here." 

You bristled, terrified to turn around. You felt your hand tremble against the door handle...Something was wrong. He shouldn't be here.

"YN, turn around." 

You sucked in a deep breath to slowly look over your shoulder. You closed your eyes with a pained gasp at what you saw.

"What's the matter, baby? You don't think I'm attractive anymore?" 

You opened your eyes again to see James...It was what you imagined from the police reports. It was his face but covered in blood with the top layer of skin gone. His intestines were wrapped around his neck from the giant gash on his abdomen as he sat in the chair you were in. 

"James...You're not real, you're dead." 

"Yeah, no thanks to those pieces of shit you insisted on hanging out with." He leaned forward with a glare directed at you. "I was on my way to a sports scholarship. I was planning on working on having a better relationship with my Dad when he got out of prison...I'll never get that now." 

You forced yourself to fully turn around, back pressed against the door. "James, you brought this on yourself. You were an abusive, mean-" 

He chuckled bitterly, his smile moving his skinned face in an unnatural way. "Is that what Stu Macher convinced you? They were protecting you? I choked you. I did...But at least I stopped. Did Stu? No, I don't think so. I think he was going to crush your wind pipe had you not lied to him and said you loved him as a distraction...What a fucking tool...You know it too." 

You could see the similarities between him and Stu now that you never saw before. In Highschool, you thought James was a monster and Billy and Stu were just misunderstood….Now? You weren't so sure about any of it. 

You spoke up. "We're not talking about Stu. We're talking about you, James." 

He continued. " Oh, I know. We were good, YN. We may not have been perfect but we were good. Then they started pushing. Pushing and pushing and running their mouths to me and threats and telling me you were fucking them...I snapped under pressure. Remember my dog? Remember when we found her mutilated in the field behind my house?" His face twisted. "I don't think it was coyotes. I think those fuckers did it." 

"They wouldn't kill a dog-" 

"Oh, so they can rip my fucking face off while I was still kicking and screaming but they draw the line at a damn dog?" He shook his head. "No...Those fuckers probably did it. They cornered me and threatened me, YN. They had me stressed out!-" 

You couldn't take your eyes off of him. The face you once fell for, gone. You interrupted him. "You were already a bad person underneath it all, James. Snapped under pressure; are you fucking kidding me? That's an excuse." 

"Oh! But Stu and that freak Loomis aren't bad people? Give ME a break....And what about me? What the hell did I ever do?" Another voice rang out. 

You turned to see none other than Casey Becker in the other chair. She looked so pale, blood at the corner of her mouth and her guts hanging out in her lap of her blood soaked sweater. 

The room felt colder, darker...Henry's desk light was flickering and illuminating their disturbing faces in an eerie way. 

She continued, tears straining her face and voice. "Huh? What the hell did I ever do to deserve THIS?!" She cried pointing at her own entrails.

You shook your head, you knew you looked like you saw a ghost even without a mirror. "This...This isn't real-" 

"ANSWER ME!" Casey yelled as James sat back in his seat and watched. 

"I don't know! You about everyone, especially anyone you felt threatened by! You didn't think that it wouldn't bite you in the end?!" You snapped, not knowing what else to say. You didn't know what you were saying, you were just saying it. 

Casey huffed through her tears as James scoffed with an outraged laugh. His face splitting and a bit of blood seeping down his neck from the motion. 

James spoke up for her. "Really? God, who the hell are you now?" 

Casey spoke up for herself. "So I talked about you behind your back like a lot of teen girls do and I deserved to be tortured and terrified and strung up for my Mom and Dad to find?!" 

You faltered. "N-No but-" 

"Face it, honey. This really had nothing to do with you. They just made you think it did. The reason I was killed was because I broke up with Stu Macher and he never got over it...He just used you as an excuse to get you on his side. And you fell for it." She half laughed and half cried with a sniff. 

"And I was collateral damage for taking Macher's place. " Steve spoke up behind Casey with his hands on her shoulders. You could hear the squishing sound of his guts sliding down to the floor where he stood. 

You nervously fidgeted with the handle on the door behind you.

Henry tilted his head to look at you. "...What are you afraid of, YN? What are you guilty of?" 

You felt your nerves getting the better of you. "God damn it Henry, open this fucking door!!" 

You eyed all the victims staring at you, glaring at you as if you did all this. 

Someone stumbled behind Henry's chair as he seemed unfazed. Principal Himbry's hair was a mess, his guts hanging out and blood out of the corner of his purple lips.

"And me? I was trying to keep you kids safe. I canceled school for a reason just for you punks to have a party and then I was made a mockery of on the football field by your delinquent generation." 

"I wasn't a part of that! I-I never would have done that to you Mr. Himbry!-" 

He pointed. "Ah, ah, ah. You are palling around with the boys that did this. That's as good as guilty in my book. YN, didn't your parents ever tell you about hanging around with the wrong crowd?" 

James laughed at that along with Casey and Steve as you had your back smashed against the door. Half tempted to attempt kicking it in but too scared to turn your back to them.

A new voice came in from the corner of the room. His throat slit and blood down his shirt. 

"YN, I was just there for a job. My daughter is 4 now and has never even met me...What did I do to deserve this? You have all these excuses for these young, asshole kids...But what about me? I tried to save you." 

"K-Kenny, I know you did and I can't thank you enough but...I-" You faltered. 

A much more familiar voice hit the room that felt like a punch to the gut. You froze with your mouth open and tears in your eyes as she used her usual sassy tone. 

"If you're so thankful; why are you dishonoring his memory by singing in the car with my boyfriend that did this shit?" 

There she was. Sitting on the edge of Henry's desk...But it was wrong. She was wrong. Her neck was at an odd angle that made you feel sick to your stomach. She moved it to the angle it should be with a sickening crack that made you flinch with a gasp. 

"Tatum…" You whispered shakily, tears rolling down your cheeks as she raised a brow at you.

"Huh? Don't got anything to say?....You know… I really wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt that Stu liking you was one sided. But here you are not able to shoot him in the head for me. Inviting him into your house and car, paying for his food, sleeping side by side, on some cute lil mission to…" She hopped off the desk and walked towards you as you shrank against the door. She reached a foot from you to glare into your eyes. "To what? Make sure you aren't as guilty as they are?" 

"Yes...Tat, yes!" You desperately cried.

She laughed with a bitter chuckle. "Oh sweetie, that ship sailed a long time ago…" Her face fell into a glare. "You are guilty." 

"I'm not!" 

"You are, bitch. You're fucking guilty by association!" She screamed with a stomp of her foot.

"Tatum, I tried to get them caught!" 

A voice was practically in your ear. "Then why aren't you still trying?" 

You froze, your heart dropping out as you slowly turned to see Sidney Prescott right beside you. Her eyes were dead and cold, her hair a mess with blood on her shoulder of her jean jacket. Just like that night. And a bloody slit in her shirt right in her sternum. 

"Sid...Sid, I'm trying but I don't know how without getting blamed myself." You whimpered.

She stepped forward. "And that's a bad thing?" 

You paled at that as she continued. "You hid their involvement from us that night. You could have told us, I already had my suspicions about Billy after he was arrested at my house that I chalked up as being paranoid. But if you would have told me, I wouldn't have went. You could have warned us." 

"They wouldn't let me and you wouldn't have believed me!" 

Tatum scoffed. "Just how cops won't believe you now? Face it, you aren't afraid of cops or of us not believing you...You're afraid you want them." 

"No." You shook your head slowly, swallowing down the whimper. 

"Yes. That's why you won't call the cops or kill them yourself because you freaking want to screw them. Deep down inside, you have a soft spot for those freaks...As if they wouldn't kill you in a blink of an eye you weak ass-" 

"NO!" You tried interrupting her with a yell.

"She's right, YN! If you won't get them caught because of fear of being accused yourself or because you like them; either way it's selfish!" Sidney snapped. "...You are a bad friend." 

Tatum continued. "God, we took your ass in. You wouldn't even know Billy or Stu or Randy if it wasn't for us and this is the thanks we get? You defending our murderers and helping them not get justice for what they did?!" Her face fell. "Or my brother...Wonder what Dewey would think of you knowing you're helping the guys that slaughtered his little sister?" 

You covered your face as a sob escaped you. "This isn't real, this isn't real, this isn't real-" 

"Or Randy. " Sidney gave. "He loved me, YN. You're just a replacement for me and you know it. He's only your friend because you remind him of me...I should have been with him and let you have Billy, had I known what I know now...Then again, the pansy ass Mama's boy would have still blamed me and my Mom. But at least I wouldn't have given Billy the satisfaction...Knowing he was making out with you before making love to me...How could you?" She shook her head with disgusted tears in her eyes.

You trembled, mouth open as you tried saying something but no excuse would come out. You felt nothing but shame. 

She tilted her head and continued.  "Oh, Randy would hate knowing you made out with Billy in the closet at that party and then shared a kiss with Stu...Especially after the theater incident at Windsor that we know you secretly enjoyed. You wanted it to happen until you realized they still wanted you dead. Wonder how your only friend would react to seeing the photo of Stu and Billy laughing with you? Or you all in the same car? Or in the same room of a motel? Or finding out you invited Stu into your house in secret?" 

"I didn't! I didn't have a choice!! I don't know what else to do!!" 

You started seeing Tatum get closer as well as everyone else. Their mangled bodies coming towards you as you could only press against the door. 

"You're as guilty as they are. " James gave.

"You're going to die just like we did if you keep defending them." Someone else said you couldn't make out. They were closing in.

Sidney leaned down to whisper to you. "...You're joining us soon...The anniversary of my poor Mom and our own deaths are in a few days...Casey and Steve's anniversary was a few days ago." 

"And mine is today, baby." James growled out, inches from your face. 

Tatum smacked the wall beside you and leered at you. "And the party was a few days after that. Not long at all." 

"You'll get what's coming to you soon. " Sidney numbly monotoned. 

You looked at her, clinging to her jacket with sobs escaping you as you forced the words out. "Sid, if you're alive...Just talk to me. Please! Stop this! Stop doing this!" 

She didn't answer you as you looked at her to see a burnt, hairless corpse where she stood...You weren't gripping onto her jacket. Your hands were on her charred skin.

Someone put their hands on you. A yell ripped from your throat as you lashed out. Hitting something as you screamed to the top of your lungs and swung at anything near you.

Next thing you know, you're on a dark floor. Your hand hit something as you reeled away with terror on your face. Scrabbling backwards as ragged, panicked sobs escaped you.

You trembled on the floor as someone turned on the light on the nightstand. 

Stu got in front of you, kneeling down to grab you and lashed out at him again. "D-Don't touch me!"

He sat back. You shakily gripped your head while trying to calm your breathing. It was coming out in harsh, shallow gasps as your mind was processing it was only a dream.

"Sweetcheeks, you're fine! It was just a nightmare babe. Chill out." Stu mumbled. He went to hug you again and you held your leg up to shove him away. 

"I said don't touch me, Stu!...F-fuck…" The sob came out whether you liked it or not. 

Stu stared at you like a deer in headlights.

"...Uh...Do you want to talk about it or something then?" 

"No." 

He just stared before he stood up with his own frustration in his voice. "Well, what am I supposed to do then?" 

"Nothing! J-Just leave me alone...God, please just leave me the fuck alone." You tiredly mumbled with a sniffle. 

It had a deeper meaning than just right now even if it went over Stu's head.

Stu ran a hand through his hair and outstretched his arms. "I…" He gave a defeated pout. "Fine. But if I can't help you then I'm leaving. I can't stand girls crying, least of all you-" 

You got up. "Don't bother, I'm fine. I just need fresh air...I won't go far." You urgently shoved on a jacket and rushed out of the room. You didn't listen to any protest or wait to hear him say something. You didn't want to hear anything from anyone...Least of all him.

That nightmare put things in a very jarring perspective you wouldn't be able to shake for the rest of the day. If not longer. 

You opened the door and shut it behind you just to come face to face with the other one you didn't want to talk to. You saw the concern on his face for only a second, he was close to the door as if he was going to burst in at any moment. He cleared his throat and backed away as you hastily wiped your eyes. He avoided eye contact after that and turned away as you held yourself. 

"...Hey." 

"Hey." You mumbled back with a sniff. Not sure where to go. In the room with a clingy Stu wasn't ideal, not after the nightmare you just had. But you felt a lump of disgust in your throat at the idea of talking to Billy right now as well….Risking walking the street at night or locking yourself in your cold car didn't seem as crazy of an idea as they should.

"...What happened?" 

"...Night terror." 

You noticed all of the cigarette butts on the ground near his shoes. The one in his mouth dwindled so much you had to guess it was his last.

You held yourself. The awkward silence etching into the air around you both.

"I'm guessing it was about me and Stu, huh?" He mumbled.

"Not… Directly but basically." You changed the subject. "I don't want to talk about it. How long have you been out here?" 

"All night." 

"This guy isn't going to just pop out, you know." You muttered, looking around at the dark, vacant parking lot. 

"No shit. But I'm staying out here anyways." 

You nodded, seeing the curtain move in the motel window. You lightly rolled your eyes to yourself.

"...I'm going back in...Can I sleep in your bed if you're not using it?" 

"Yeah, knock yourself out. No way I'm sleeping tonight." He mumbled, distracted and looking out at the parking lot in deep thought. 

 You walked back in. Stu was on the bed but you could see the pillow falling off where he jumped in it to look less suspicious a second ago.

You sighed and went over to Billy's bed. Practically collapsing on top of it. Eyes burning from crying, nose running and mentally exhausted

Stu instantly sat up. "Hey, what are you doing over there, babe?" He gave a forced chuckle. "Billy will literally kill you over his fortress of solitude." 

"He said I could have it, Stu." You mumbled into the pillow.

You glanced over to see the glare on his face that he quickly tried to hide with a smirk. "Sweetcheeks, whatever you dreamed about wasn't real. There's no reason to take Billy's bed, man." 

"There is, Stu. I've wanted and should have had my own bed in the motels I'm practically paying for this whole time. The nightmare I had just put things into perspective." 

You saw the desperateness in his eyes along with the demanding tone he used. "You can't....I mean, he'll sleep in here eventually. So, you'll have to be bedmates with me again soon enough...Besides, I'll be lonely over here." He tried covering his tone with a joke and a playful puppydog pout.

You didn't answer him. You didn't feel like arguing. 

Stu huffed. "Fine, I'll give you space tonight. If you have another nightmare, you know where to come back to." He patted his empty side of the bed. 

You closed your eyes and didn't answer. He just didn't get it. Worst of all, you knew he probably did get it; he just put his wants before your needs. 

It had been a horrible night. All of you pacing, yelling, arguing and beside yourselves after that photo appeared. It was a wonder you slept the first time around. After that nightmare; you knew the second time wouldn't be so lucky. 

You tried to sleep but sleep wasn't easy after that. Tossing and turning, thinking over and over about the implications of that note and photo with the nightmare intensifying your worries. Who was this? Who was responsible for this? It had to be someone personal. Someone who either took Gale's lies personally like the megafan that attacked you a few years back or Gale herself. An even worse thought; what if it was someone more personal than that? You would never admit it to Stu or Billy but...What if Randy or Dewey did find out? You swore on your life they would never try to harm you even if they found out...But what if you were wrong? You were wrong about Billy and Stu. You were misled by Hallie and Mickey. Who's to say you have no one to trust? That someone you care about found out about this and they're getting revenge against the betrayal. What if it really was Sidney? The police claimed they found her body in the house but they didn't specify Sidney, just a young female corpse burnt to bone and ash...Who else could it have been?? 

Then again, Billy and Stu faked their deaths. Who's to say Sidney somehow managed to as well? Especially help from the police or someone on the police force that could have lied… That somehow gave a different body to the coroner's OR there never was one to begin with and you were misled. Someone like Dewey. Who had your address, who had your phone number, who dated Gale Weathers even after Windsor, who was the one that told you they never found Billy and Stu's body in the first place, who would have every right to want revenge against you or them for his sister.

The idea felt like a knife twisting inside of you; it hurt so badly. It would devastate you beyond belief to think Randy or Dewey could ever be a part of this. 

But if not them then who? Who could know where you all were? Who would take this to the levels this new killer was going and why? 

You didn't think you slept but you must have because the next thing you knew it was still dark outside with dawn approaching and you were being woken up by furniture crashing. 

You shot up to see Stu holding Billy down as Billy fumed up at him.

"Get your goddamn hands off me, Stu!" 

Billy struggled, trying to kick Stu and Stu just moved so he had a better hold of him.

"Are you freaking kidding me right now?! You think you can just dip on us? Just leave like a total wimp?!" 

Billy finally got his knee up and you heard a groan from Stu as he kneed him in the groin and shoved his way out of Stu's hold. Bag slung over his shoulder, trench coat on, ready to bolt.

You got up from bed. "Billy, wait! You can't just leave!" 

"Newsflash; I fucking can and I will and I dare either of you to try and stop me. I don't have any ties here, YOU do. Stu is the one connected to the movie and you're connected to Deputy Doofy and Meek Geek here." He gave a 'duh' expression and pointed to himself. "I have no ties...I'm nobody, and for once, that's a good thing. So I am getting the flying fuck out of here while I can before shit gets ugly." 

Stu went to grab him again. "You're not going anywhere! Why?! So if you ARE involved in this shit, we lose you? Or so you can leave scott free?! Fuck that! You're involved too, pal-" 

Billy hit him and missed as they both shoved against a wall before jerking each other down to the ground. You raced to your bag as Stu started laying into Billy and Billy shoved Stu against a table to get some defense.

"Hey! Both of you stop it! ...I said stop!!" 

They didn't listen as you saw fist flying and they were knocking things over. A lamp broke and that was the final straw for you. You didn't want to shoot them in a motel with your name on it or the sign in connected to Dennis Rafkin who was traveling with you...So, you got the one thing out you knew would stop them with no long term effects.

Stu had him in a headlock as Billy was trying to swing his body on top while getting hits in on Stu when you jammed it into his back. He released a surprised, pain filled yelp before you zapped him again. This time he fell away from Stu and onto the ground. 

Stu went to go after him and you jammed it into his upper side as it crackled. It probably should have been lower but considering what happened at Woodsboro; you figured you better stop this before the knives got drawn. 

"OW! SHIT!!" Stu yelled as he doubled over.

Billy glared at you from the floor as he caught his breath and Stu gripped his side and keeled over.

"What the hell was that!?" 

You held it up and showed it to them. "30,000 volt taser. And I have a 50,000 police grade stun gun in my bag too." 

"From where?!" 

"Dewey." You quipped with a smile. "Anyone can get them. He just directed me to the best ones to buy….Kind of wish he would have used one on you when you were arrested at Sidney's house." You mumbled.

Billy gave you a challenging look. "You think that's gonna stop me? Are you serious? I can stab you before you can even turn it on." 

You hesitated before sighing. "Billy, you can't leave. Not when we're just getting to the breaking point here!" 

 He rolled his tongue inside his cheek, glaring at you before getting up and charging you. He took you off guard for only a moment before you shocked him in his lower side as he grabbed your wrist. He tried getting it out of your hand, cursing in pain as he did so and you laid it onto his arm every time he tried. He was stronger than you despite his build. So you did the only thing you could do; Using his own momentum against him just like you learned in class. He almost got it until you pulled back and he stumbled before you jammed it onto his stomach through his shirt. 

That one he released a yelp with, eyes wide and body jolting back from it.

"Argh, you fucking bitch-" He muttered with a wince under his breath. 

You gave him a disbelieving glare. "Now, you deserve that!...In fact, let me get to my bag and get the police grade-" 

"NO!" He barked out, hunched over while trying to block you. "God, stabbing hurts worse but...Shit. It's like I'm still feeling it!" He hissed out as he gripped his abdomen.

"Yep. The longer I hold it on, the more your muscles are gonna contract. You have to be on drugs or have one hell of an adrenaline rush to get through it. It's enough for me to get away in a situation...And if that doesn't work, I took self defense classes after Windsor and if THAT doesn't work then I will shoot you. I think a taser is preferred over a bullet, Loomis." 

"Why did you use it on me though??"  Stu whined, standing up now but rubbing his side.

"Because you wouldn't stop and listen either! You both deserved it!"  

"Yeah? And you deserve my knife in your face. One day you aren't gonna have your toys do defend you." Billy growled out.

You held up a hand. "Im ALWAYS strapped with my gun so fat chance...Now would you both just chill out and listen?" 

Billy glared at you through his hair that fell forward, hunched over with his teeth clenched. "Well, you have our attention so what the hell is it?!" 

You held up a finger. "To stop fighting and wrecking our motel room. Do you WANT cops here?? The more noise you make and stuff you break; you might as well be begging them to come!" 

Billy pointed at Stu. "He fucking started the shit!" 

"Because you're trying to leave, dickhead!" 

"I am leaving and-" 

You all froze when the room's phone rang on the nightstand. It halted any further arguments for the time being. 

'Oh no...' You thought. Nothing good from that phone ringing.

You all blinked...It was around 5:30 in the morning. You worried it was the manager from a disturbance call from the fight. You quickly went to answer it.

"Hello? If this is about the noise, I'm so sorry-" 

"YN, it's been awhile hasn't it?" 

You felt your stomach sink and your features sag at the unexpected voice...It was the first time you heard it in years. No one could even prank call you with it anymore with your very private number you never gave out. Your home phone wasn't even in the yellow pages when you opted out just for that reason. To hear it right now sends a shiver down your spine.

Just hearing that voice made you feel like a scared teenager all over again.

"...YN, it's rude not to respond. Don't tell me hanging around those two has rubbed some of your manners away." 

Billy and Stu watched as the phone shook in your hand and you gritted your teeth. 

"What do you want?...What the hell do you want from us?...From me?! " 

"YN, I just wanted to tell you that I'm watching you. I'm always keeping an eye on you. I mean..We wouldn't want you to suffer the same fate as your old friend Sidney, right? Especially with two killers in your room...It would be a shame for you to trust someone again just for them to be the killers." The voice faked concern. 

"...Leave us alone...Please, just stop." You whimpered.

Stu instantly grabbed the phone out of your hand. "Alright buddy, where the hell are you? Why don't you come out and play with the big kids?! Too fucking scared?!" 

You could hear the laugh on the other line with how quiet the room had become. 

"Stu Macher. Always the blow hole. Always the attention seeker. Trying so hard to get the attention you lacked at home, huh? Leslie was always the favorite while poor little Stuart was pushed aside. Now, you're selfishly risking people's lives just so you get that attention you crave so badly on the big screen." 

Stu's face fell before contorting into a sneer. "You don't know shit." He growled. "You don't know a fucking thing about me, man!" 

"Actually, even with attention you are still a complete nutjob. You don't relate to people, you don't feel for people...Let me guess, getting responses is the only time you feel like a person , isn't it?"

Stu was getting red, his vein popping in his neck and his teeth nashing together in anger. "YOU DON'T KNOW A DAMN THING, MAN!"

Billy finally jerked the phone away from Stu as you eyed a light on the receiver. 

"Enough!" Billy barked out at Stu as he put the phone up to his ear. "You listen here; I'm gonna kill you when I find out who you are. It won't be long either. You're gonna slip up and when you do I'm gonna cut your throat!" 

"Not if I do it first, Billy Loomis." 

"You'll never find me in time-" 

You pressed a button that put it on speaker phone as you waited to read the digital caller ID slowly loading across the screen. The voice harshly cut him off.

"You're not going anywhere, Billy boy! Not unless you want this photo sent to the cops!" 

Billy nervously licked his lips but kept the tough glare on his face and edge to his voice. "They'll never find me either!" 

The voice chuckled. "So willing to squish the only two people you have left in the world to save your own hide...What a self absorbed little prick you are. Then again, I should have seen it in Woodsboro. You had the best girlfriend a boy could ask for and-" 

"I don't give a shit about the past!" 

You halted him. "Wait...Woodsboro? They're from Woodsboro!" You exclaimed with wide eyes.

Billy had an iron grip on the phone as you listened. "Who are you?! I'm sick of this shit already!" 

Stu chimed. "Yeah man, just come out and get it over with!" 

"But boys, I thought you liked these games? You certainly had no issues playing cat and mouse with your victims. Trying to guess the next move, whether your friends are really your friends, getting people scared before you strike them down...What's wrong? You don't like being on the other end of the phone line? You don't like feeling helpless? Well, that's not very good sportsmanship. Not good at all." 

You all were silent for a moment as the voice changed its tone to a dangerous warning. "...If any of you leave; I will turn the photo as well as any other evidence I have to the LAPD who then will turn it over to the FBI if you try to run. And if they don't get you; I will. I found you all once, I can easily do it again...How's your family YN?" 

"You leave them alone!! They didn't do anything!" You yelled loud enough for the caller to hear even with the phone on Billy's grasp. Complete panic in your voice at the idea of something happening to your loved ones.

"Neither did the victims of your lil...Friends." 

"They are NOT my friends. I don't have a choice right now because of YOU!" 

"You keep playing the victim, YN. You do it so well...You're all going to be on the news soon enough. Dead or alive." 

Billy had nothing to say, frowning deeply with a scowl. Stu's eyes were wide and his mouth parted as his brows shot up in worry. You just stood there, unsure what your expression was other than complete dread. 

You couldn't help but take the phone from Billy. That dream lingering in your brain as you asked the one thing that diary entry and now the admission of Woodsboro brought to your mind.

"Sidney?...Sid, if this is you...If you somehow survived...Please, please just talk to me. Please!" 

The other end hung up as you quickly went back to the caller ID, momentarily forgetting in the midst of it all...It just said the motel desk right before vanishing off the screen.

"How the hell is that possible?!" You cried out, gripping your hair. 

Stu glared at the phone as if it were the killer. "...They have to be in the lobby using the main phone." 

Billy was already on it, out the door. You faltered as Stu ran out too. You fumbled before releasing a frustrated groan and following them. Grabbing the motel key card and rushing after them.

You had a hard time keeping up with Billy who was already far ahead and Stu whose legs were a lot longer than yours. 

"Guys, wait up!" You exclaimed, rushing down stairs and cautiously getting to the door to the lobby.

They were both already standing there at the vacant desk, a piece of paper in their hand. 

"What?...Guys, what is it?!" You urged as you caught your breath and peered over to see.

It was a printed candid picture of all of you at Woodsboro as teens. You never saw it before but it looked like a cut out. You were laughing with Stu and Billy was smirking at you. It looked like whoever printed this purposely cut out anyone else. You could barely make out Tatum's shoe beside Stu. 

You soon realized they were trying to pair this photo with the current one...Just to prove Billy and Stu lived...And you knew about it.

You felt like you were gonna throw up. Your life is over if this got out. Stu leaned over the lobby desk, looking quesy himself as Billy stared at the photo like a deer in headlights. 

He quickly turned it to the back. 

"You're trapped." 

You all saw the desk clerk coming from the back room. Billy hastily shoved the paper into his coat pocket as you tried to make heads or tails of any of this. 

[usagifuyusummer]

Same lmao 🤝

I also, I guess, lack confidence in myself to create coherent fiction or Picasso level art.

I always doubt myself a lot when undergoing creative processes that it makes me abandon a lot of projects that I thought I could publish. It is also due to me still studying that I couldn't exactly fulfil my creative needs and projects to my full heart's content.

BUT, you gotta start from somewhere right? So, for now, just write something, anything, that you feel like sharing. And eventually, you'll learn from your mistakes and get better at posting these kinds of stuff.

I'm also kinda new at creating these AU stuff. I usually just do fanart, but sometimes not all of your ideas can go through visually. (That takes a lot of time. That's what I learned.)

So, now, I just post fanart/any kind of art whenever I can, even when I know it won't get much reception or views. Just think about these activities as practice rounds and maybe someday, one day, you'll be able to reach the heights that you dreamt of. So, start somewhere!

I'm also like you lol, just with less time to spend on my creative projects. I know practice is boring, but that's where most people who are as talentless as me get a start on.

Most importantly, for me at least, I've learned to never chase for online popularity/shares/likes when creating any form of art. If you only create art for that singular purpose, it gets exhausting and steadily you will lose the interest in the art of creation. (these are one of the reasons why i'm really inactive in the past, also uni stuff lol)

Don't get me wrong, it's still really gratifying to see that people appreciate your hard earned work, but not all of us get the lucky ticket that is to be recognized and loved by many. So, some of us just gotta live alone with obscurity for the rest of our short lives. (that's just my cynicism talking lol)

What I'm trying to say is I guess, you should do this because you love it. You care about it, and you want to share your love for this concept with others. I'm doing that currently, and so far, I can at least produce and share some artworks. Even if its not perfect.

It's okay. There's still time to learn. Success/Popularity doesn't come immediately for most people. I hope you get my points here regarding fanwork creations lol.

Besides that, on your horror FOP AU, it's essentially a video game AU? Am I understanding it wrong? Like those old creepypastas? Where maybe..., I'll give you an example;

One day, Timmy found an old game cartridge when visiting the game store for the new Crash Nebula game. He thought the cover looked plain and boring, it's just a cellophone tape plasted and on top of it where scribbled phrases made with marker written, "FAIRY FRENZY", scribbled below that, is a very unimpressive ominous description, "do not play this game it will haunt you". Timmy, suspecting that this is just someone's stupid attempt at a prank for some poor fellow in the past decided to just buy the old game cartridge. It's cheap and his parents don't really check up on what he buys anyway.

Skipping through...

After a while of playing the Fairy Frenzy game, Timmy found out that it was just a regular platforming game, kind of similar to the Mario Bros. ones. He actually finds the game to be fun, so he continued on indulging himself on playing the game to his heart's content.

Skipping through...

Timmy finds it weird that Cosmo, Wanda and Poof haven't returned from Fairy World though. Maybe this is one of their "a week leave" trips there. Still, he has been playing the game for quite awhile and found it peculiar why everything was so... quiet. He decided to go downstairs for a quick snack from the kitchen. When he stepped into the hallway outside of his room, suddenly all of the lights in the house went off. Then he hears..., a voice..., "Cosmo, Wanda... why did you leave me?...". Hearing that, Timmy called out to that voice, "Who's there?! Uh, if you guys are pranking me again, I will talk to the April Fools fairy for double payback!!!". The voice did not respond. Timmy then just decides to shake it off as some sort of hunger induced hallucination. He has been spending too much time in his room lately...

Like that? Tell me if I'm massively wrong lmao. I wrote all of those examples on a whim lol. Maybe it will be a future stupid ass fic hahaha.

Hm, I do think you need more work on your elaboration of the AU. Maybe make a separate post with the appropriate horror AU title? Take your time though. There's no need to rush these creative processes lol.

I'm more neutral on FOP's popularity standing on other social medias though. I have no desire for it to be as popular as maybe Danny Phantom? Still, I won't mind if it gets popular though.

(It's because I hate Twitter/X lmao, so sorry. I don't like how the fanarts or posts there are so difficult to find. There's no appropriate tagging system, even if its there, most people won't use it because yeah, I understand they want their privacy... Still, I would appreciate your art more if you tagged it properly on where I can find it.)

Hm, those are my thoughts on what we're discussing so far.

A scandalous episode for many, which in my opinion changes the general image of fairies (clearly not for the better)

Many people were shocked, to put it mildly, after watching this episode. And many were unhappy and even more frightened by the behavior of Cosmo and Wanda, which I can't help but agree with. However, I liked this episode on the contrary. It shows the darker evil nature of fairies and how crazy they can sometimes become if someone simply offends their child. And it doesn't matter that this is their godson. Because of this, it now really seems to me that fairies are not who they pretend to be and the creators sometimes directly show this. For example, this phase of fairies at 2 years old(terrible twosome) when they start to go crazy and rebel against everything. You will say that "it's just a phase." Really? And the fact that Poof almost destroyed the entire Earth in this episode is considered "just a phase"? The fact that fairies can destroy all life just because of this phase begins to worry. Like, what makes them do all these terrible things? A sudden change in behavior or ….. an inner voice inside that is their secret dark essence??And if you remember the anti-fairies who are the complete opposite of fairies, then I'm starting to seriously think that they are less dangerous than them. And this is not the only scandalous episode…

(Poor Timmy… What the heck??)

And going back to that scandalous episode, I had a thought: "what if all this was true?" Because Cosmo and Wanda were enjoying this suspiciously so much and it all looked extremely realistic.. And the fact that they really left Timmy with injuries and bruises made me think that this is true and they really turn into monsters after 8 hours. And you know what? This would be a great idea for more lore between fairies and anti fairies (they, as opposites in THIS way, would look incredibly cool). And it would also be a great idea for creating some kind of horror game (well, just a note)

*Redacted

+comments to this episode

This is really.. something….

[books-and-catears]

Im actually unsure if ive sent a request already (if i did im sorry i have1 terrible memory T-T;;)

But if not would it be okay to request for an GN! MC who the brothers realize was a big idol back in the human world but they never said that to them? Like maybe they found through magazines or internet or smth?

Hope this is okay and have a good day!!

Awww honey don't apologize! Also thank you so much for the request! You have an amazing day too!

This is such a interesting and hilarious ask!This is going to be super fun to write hehehe :3

(Oh and just a general fact for anyone who comes across my blog I try to always make my MC gender neutral unless a specific gender is requested.)

Lucifer

Lucifer: For some reason there have been a lot of attempts to summon me from the human realm.

MC: Oh? That really works?

Lucifer: Well not always but we occasionally they get it right. But that's the not the issue here.

MC: Oh did they ask for something weird?

Lucifer: I got 22 summons. 18 of them had your name in their demands. And I checked their identities, they are not related to you, in any way. Mind explaining what's going on?

MC: *embarassed* I was slightly drunk on stage one day and might have told the people as a joke that if I ever went missing, they could try asking the devil for me.

Lucifer: Your people? Do you have cult up there?

MC: Well cult is a strong word. Fanbase is the more commonly used term...

Lucifer: How many people?

MC: Um...

Lucifer: How many more times will I be summoned MC?

MC: Um a few million times?

Lucifer: *exasperated dad noises*

Mammon

Mammon: MC what is net worth?

MC: Eh I'm not sure but maybe sum of assets or something

Mammon: YOU HAVE 20 MILLION WORTH OF ASSETS?

MC: Ah well I don't really accept it as mine cause there's a lot of people involved so I signed it over to my parents anyway.

Mammon: BUT HOW DO YOU HAVE THE ASSETS?

MC: 5 years worth of good record and merch sells are enough for it suppose?

Mammon: Records...MC you were a famous singer in the human world?!

MC: Ah well idol is what they called us. We had to dance a lot too.

Mammon: HOW COME NONE OF US KNEW THIS?! MC THIS IS HUGE WE CAN EVEN MARKET YOUR SKILLS HERE AND WE WILL BE RICH!

MC: *sigh*....this is why none of you knew.

Leviathan

Levi: MC can I tell you something strange?

MC: How strange are we talking?

Levi: Like when I saw you for the first time, you looked awfully familiar.

MC: Ah do I resemble some character you like?

Levi: An idol actually. There was this human world group that was a big hit for five years! But then they disbanded two years ago. You look like my favourite one. *Pointing to old poster*

MC: *looks at themself in ridiculous blue hair* Ahahhaa thanks Levi although I gotta admit that is my least favourite look.

Levi: You even have the same name as them it's almost uncanny- wait. Did you say 'MY least favourite look'?

MC: Guilty as charged....

Levi: YOU'RE ACTUALLY MC! THE MC! THE IDOL MC! *falls on the ground*

MC: Levi you okay?! Calm down it's-

Levi: MC IS IN MY ROOM!? MC IS SITTING NEXT TO ME?! MC IS LIVING IN THE SAME HOUSE AS ME!? MC GOES TO MY SCHOOL!? MC IS MY BEST FRIEND?!

MC: Yes Levi...Yes to all of them now calm down please! You're going to have heart attack!

Satan

Satan: MC come here for a minute would you?

MC: Yes, Satan?

Satan: So I tried to procure some human world magazines for Asmo and ended up going through them myself and *flips to a page and pointing towards an old picture of you* by any chance is this you?

MC: Haha didn't expect you to recognize me with that get up.

Satan: So when were you going to tell us you're about your fame in the human world?

MC: Does it even matter? It has been two years since I've last been on stage I'm sure people have forgotten now.

Satan: The recent article disagrees. *Reads from magazine* "MC hasn't been active in any of their social media accounts recently. While they did tend to go on long breaks of inactivity, this hiatus has been stretching for 5 months. They haven't even appeared in any of their fellow member's pictures either. An interview with one of the members said, 'They haven't even been answering texts nor calls. Their parents tell us they've gone away for a while but won't tell us where."

MC: Jesus I leave for six months and they make a whole mystery novel about me.

Satan: Well it's rather fun to keep the people on their toes. I can think of ways to fuel this fire.

MC: Satan no-

Asmodeus

Asmo: *comes running into your room* MC! How could you not tell me!?

MC: Eh? Tell you what?

Asmo: That you had a partner in the human world already?! And that you both are a FAMOUS POWER COUPLE!?

MC: Eh? Who said I was-

Asmo: Don't you lie to me! *holds up an edit playing on his phone* Look at these two people under the same umbrella! You're the one holding it aren't you!? Who are they MC? Do you love them more than me?!

MC: *sigh* No Asmo, they're just a friend who liked to screw with the paparazzi. And the paparazzi was over eager with us cause a lot of people loved shipping us.

Asmo: And why were you shipped with them?! I'm clearly a better match!

MC: *scratches head* Ah probably I used to pull too many pranks with them on stage and we were given a lot of duets and dances together.

Asmo: Stage? Duets? Dances? MC ...were you an IDOL?!

MC: ....yes?

Asmo: *squealing* WAIT TILL I MAKE YOU BECOME AN IDOL HERE TOO ALONG WITH ME SO PEOPLE WILL SHIP US INSTEAD!

Beelzebub

Beel: MC I heard from the others that you used to be a famous idol.

MC: Ah they told you too? Atleast your reaction is much calmer.

Beel: I heard famous people get lots of gifts from fans! Including snacks and candy!

MC: Haha we did. Only we weren't allowed to eat them.

Beel: ...but it's your gift. Of course you're allowed to eat them?!

MC: *sigh* Being in a idol group meant having to maintain your looks at all times. And weight was a big issue. I remember during tours we only had to live off apples, cucumbers and pea soup for a week.

Beel: That doesn't sound nice at all. *sad Beel noises* Here MC. *gives you half his sandwich* You can eat as much as you like here!

MC: Thank you so much, Beel.

Belphegor

Belphie: Did you get enough sleep being an idol and all? Beel told me you used to be one.

MC: Between late night practices and early morning workouts? I managed on three hours of sleep.

Belphie: That's less than half the ideal amount for humans.

MC: Ah well all of us needed to be perfect with the performance or we'd be screamed at or worse suspended.

Belphie: Performance for people who only need to see your face to start screaming. So much wasted energy. It's good that you left. Adoration from a bunch of strangers isn't worth losing sleep.

MC: I know right? It is nice to have a lot of people love you maybe but if I can't even be awake enough to appreciate them... what's the point?

Belphie: Come here. *wraps you up in his blanket* I help you catch up on the years of sleep you've missed.

MC; Thanks, Belphie.

[castiel-left-his-mark-on-me]

Hi, Ary, very inactive ex-mutual(i think???) here. Good to see you thriving! ♥ It's been a while since I've dipped my head into cockles stuff. Could I perchance maybe ask uuuuum tf is going on??? lol I see Mish apparently confirmed he used to stay over at Jensen's in Van, and heard newbs were apparently freaking out about it and getting a bit messy, which I get that, business as usual. But I'm also seeing shit about spin-offs? And Jared getting in a twitter fight with Jensen, causing/resulting in stans to going feral and sending hate?? I know you're not as big a fan of Jar, but that's part of why I figured I'd ask you, you usually have a really level head about this kinda stuff. If you don't wanna answer publically, or at all, that's totally chill!

Hey, Rhi! We're still mutuals! Of course we're still mutuals! When I saw the notification of your ask, I was like "Hey! I haven't seen you in a while!" and my husband was like "???" and I said "Tumblr" and he said "Oh."

It was a wild time haha.

In any case, welcome back to the dumpster fire! We are obviously still a mess. So to catch you up, I guess I will start by summarizing both before and after the finale (not sure where you left off so this might be redundant for you) ... basically, it became obvious as the end of the show neared that Jensen was not on board with the plan for the finale; although Jared never stopped singing its praises.

We got confirmation of this during a zoom interview where Jensen said that he actually went into the writers room as well as called Kripke to basically voice how he didn't agree with the direction the final season was going, but he was shot down on all fronts. In another interview, he was asked "What would you tell your younger self going into this career?" And Jensen responded with: "I would tell myself to just keep your head down and do the work" meaning, "Don't try to change things because you can't." I also think that this whole situation is what he wrote "Let Me Be" about for his first Radio Company album, but that is just my own speculation. All of his reluctance, even though he always followed it up with "But I eventually saw the value in the script" or "I came around in the end" (which never sounded sincere, and I don't think he was really trying to sound sincere) made us all very nervous about what was to come for 15x20; and of course, when the last two episodes aired, we saw just how badly they fucked it up.

After the awful finale, the entire fandom became aware of the CW's heavy handed role in the thing, basically squeezing all the life out of SPN to shape it into a ramp from which Walker could launch itself. They not only erased all the love and joy and representation that Cas's love confession gave us, they also tore apart the things that made sense about the bond between Sam and Dean, making it really just about Sam-- and therefore Jared, which of course, Jared seemed to be fine with ... even though no one else was. Misha barely said anything during the finale, and a few of the other actors talked about the show ending in various posts, but Jared tweeted up a storm ... and Jensen? Jensen just sat in sexy-silent resentment of the whole thing. He didn't tweet, he didn't post, he didn't say a word once he no longer had to, and I think that's because he was already going full-steam-ahead on his plans for redemption.

Which brings us to Chaos Machine-- Jensen and Danneel's new production company that is being run by a queer creative director and has a mantra of inclusivity and representation woven throughout it's fabric; and apparently, the first story that Jensen wanted to tell through this new platform is the origin story of Sam and Dean's parents; so last week (?) he announced the upcoming production of "The Winchesters" -- the untold love story of John and Mary. Obviously, John is not the most likable character from the show, so the idea was met with a lot of resentment when it was first announced, but Jensen has gone on to say that he is excited to take on the task of telling the "true" story behind these characters-- the one that makes sense with the pre-established canon and doesn't reject it. So, given that, the idea is being mulled over with a bit more optimism from the fandom.

Who isn't being optimistic though?

Jared Padalecki.

When Jensen made this announcement on Twitter, many of his friends and coworkers congratulated him, but not Jared. Jared responded with a passive aggressive: "I'm happy for you, man, but I wish I didn't hear about it through Twitter." This of course, sent all the die-hard Jared fans into a tizzy and they immediately began asking him if he was serious (hoping it was just a joke-- we all hoped it was because there would be fallout no matter what one's opinion on Jared is). Instead of leaving it there though or just deleting that tweet, Jared went on to tweet some more, saying that he was being serious that he didn't know about the plans for the prequel, and that he was "gutted" that Sam apparenlty wouldn't be included (mind you, this a prequel to SPN... meaning BEFORE Sam and Dean were even born, so how could Sam be included? But Dean is apparently narrating this story so maybe Jared thought Sam should be helping to narrate it? I don't know). But Jared being Jared couldn't just leave that there, he then went on to tweet at Robbie Thompson who was announced as a writer for "The Winchesters" so then Jared went off on him too, calling him "Brutus" and a "coward" acting like Robbie betrayed him (speculation is-- Robbie refused to write for Walker, so Jared is pissed that he essentially chose Jensen over him). He did fairly quickly, remove that tweet attacking Robbie, but of course the damage was done at that point. And it truly only took his first tweet calling out Jensen for some people to be like "Jared-- that sucks if you didn't know but why are you saying any of this publicly?"

As you might know, Jared has had issues in the past with posting hurtful things on social media, and has even used it as a tool for attack before-- calling out customer service agents and public workers that he felt have wronged him, which is bad enough ... but for him to then do the same thing to his best friend of well over a decade? Many people who had once liked him or at least gave him the benefit of the doubt (I used to ...) stopped after this latest twitter tantrum.

However, some people have suspected for some time that J2 had a falling out either shortly before the finale or just after. Their public/social media interactions have seemed awkward, stilted or even non-existent in moments that they normally wouldn't be. In the past year, when Walker premiered, Jensen didn't say much about his friend's new venture other than a "Congrats. buddy" here and there. Later, we learned that Jensen refused to work on the show ... Jared said he make him do it, drag Jensen to the set "kicking and screaming" which made many fans quirk up an eyebrow because, why would Jensen put up a fight unless the two weren't as close as they used to be? And then Jensen moved his family to Colorado (either permanently or for an extended period at least) which is notable considering how he moved to Texas seemingly to be closer to Jared, even buying a house that was near his. All this was just speculation though; but it wasn't until Jared's tweet complaining about not knowing about the prequel that the theories behind them falling out, became less theory and more fact.

The day after his twitter tantrum, Jared tweeted again-- not retracting his statements or apologizing, but instead saying that he and Jensen "talked" and were "all good". Jensen then tweeted too, parroting this statement to some degree, which only made the whole thing even more sour in the mouths of the fans. The fact that Jared didn't apologize for his outburst and throwing his friend under the bus, and also the fact that Jensen-- Mr. Sexy Silence, Mr. Never Tweets, Mr. Tech-Ignorant-and-Proud, actually had to POST SOMETHING saying that he and Jared made up, it just screamed OPTICS. It was obviously the work of agents and PR firms and lots of people going "Look, if you two keep beefing, that will mean the death of both of your projects. Even more people will stop watching Walker, and this SPN prequel will never get picked up due to the scandal." So, the two "made nice" publicly to quell the chaos, but in my opinion, it's all too little too late. Jared started a storm that he can't contain now with a little tweet, and it seems like he knows that too because before he talked about him and Jensen making up, he asked that people "not send threats". He could have just as easily said that he shouldn't have made this a public issue and that he's sorry, but instead, he continued to play the victim and stoke the flames by alerting us all to the damage he's done.

Now, like I said before-- I used to give him the benefit of the doubt. I don't think he's an awful human or that he deserves to be attacked or anything, but he is an adult man with very poor judgment and an obvious selfish-streak a mile wide. He should know better, and he should have more respect for his so-called "friends" and "brothers" than to make them targets to public ridicule. I have a hard time believing that Jensen still sees Jared the way he used to, and I wouldn't blame him a bit for wanting to pull away-- especially when he's moving on to so many new and exciting things. Jared certainly deserves happiness just as much as anyone else, but he went on twitter and basically asked for a scandal, and he got one.

The question is now-- was there a motive behind it? Was just looking for a reason to bring his and Jensen's falling out to light-- while making himself looking like the victim in the process? Or did he genuinely not know about the prequel and just decided to go about "not knowing" in the most toxic and hurtful way he could manage?

In any case, that is the drama ... that is the J2 insanity in a rather lengthy nutshell ... that is the tea ... and I hope it all makes sense.

But the good news out of all of this is, Cockles is thriving-- they are happy and in love and Jensen calls Misha "Babe" and Misha misses waking up to see Jensen in the morning, and they are just as cute and wonderful as can be.

So, I will end that there. I am so glad to see you back, and I hope I answered all your questions in a way that made sense ... I tried anyway!

💖💖💖

[minghaocouture]

Title: Crazy in Love Pairing: Xu Minghao (SVT) x Gender Neutral Reader Genre: Fluff, Single Parent AU Warnings: Mild Language WC: 8k+ Collab: Love is: on the Radio - hosted by @haechanblr and @secndlife​

A/N: So...I know this is an x reader but when writing this I definitely focused more on Minghao’s relationship with the reader’s daughter, and I’m not sorry. I absolutely loved this prompt and got a bit carried away with it lol. Also I did use the term ‘Nini’ as a gender neutral parent term for the reader! Also, ALSO am I dropping this after almost 3 months of inactivity...yes, did I write this back in like...December? Also yes.

Tag List: @woozisnoots @kpop-in-new-albion @tleeee @uglychildd @samemagicpoint @rjsmochii @svtjuniverse @karmacqre @dwcljh @taeyeon-got-shmoney @seungsanhun @haotheheckk​ @karrotkarrotkarrot​ @skylions-den​ @sehunnies-hunnie96​ @coppertrashi​

“That’s a wrap for today. Great job everyone, remember to practice at home during the week okay?” 

A small chorus of affirmation echoed through the small dance hall. Minghao couldn’t stop himself from smiling as he watched his class pack up their belongings so that they could join their parents out in the waiting room. It was always a bittersweet feeling, sure he liked teaching his adult classes but the lessons with the children were always much more entertaining. Always dancing just for the fun of it all, rather than for some end goal. A part of him missed being that carefree, which is probably why his 6-10 class was his favorite.

“Mr. Haohao.” He was pulled from his thoughts by the small voice of one of his students, Sofie. She was rather short for a 7 year old, but she made up for her height with her fiery temper. He’d even seen her hit one of the older boys once when he had been insulting one of their classmates (which he had let slide, chastising her slightly but also getting onto the boy she had punched for being rude.). Currently though, that fiery temper was replaced with a small almost pitiful pout. 

“Uncle Jiji isn’t here…” She muttered, her tiny fists clenched the straps of her backpack as she stared up at him. It wasn’t the first time this had happened, and honestly Hao felt bad for the young girl. She was usually dropped off an hour or so earlier than the rest of the class, so she was forced to sit with her back against the wall as Minghao taught his ages 11-15 class, and she would always be the last to be picked up. He had never met her parents before, only this ‘Uncle’ of hers named Jihoon, who was almost consistently late when it came to picking her up.

Minghao knelt down and gave her a small smile, gesturing his head towards his office to the left. Such a simple action had a small grin start to spread over the child’s face.

“Well, you can head to my office. You know where the snacks are so help yourself.” Just like that, her sour mood was turned on its head and she let out a cheer before dashing towards his open office door. He pushed himself back up, and followed after her, preparing to get some paperwork done before his next class which thankfully wasn’t for another hour and a half. He watched as she climbed into his desk chair and pulled open the top drawer of his work desk. He had started stashing snacks in there after the first few times she had been left here after hours, as people tend to get hungry after dancing and Sofie was no exception. 

As soon as the pepero box was in her hand, she jumped off of the chair and dashed over to one of the plush armchairs that he kept on the other side of his desks for when he had meetings. Minghao couldn’t help but laugh a bit as she tore open the lid of the box, grumbling at the foil bagging on the inside and how it always seemed to give her trouble when she tried to open it. Minghao took his seat, letting her fumble with the item for a moment as he got a few of his papers in order. He knew better than to offer help too early, she would get upset if he did, so he always waited. 

As if on cue, she sat up on her knees in the chair and leaned over his desk with the box stretched out towards him.

“Open please!” He did just that, ripping the thin foil with ease before passing the box back to the child. She quickly began munching away on the chocolate sticks and Minghao began working. It was sort of a routine that the two had developed since she started talking lessons with him.

“Sofie, why doesn’t your parents ever come pick you up?” The question left his lips before he could stop it. Despite the girl’s unusual situation, he tried not to pry into the lives of his students so he had never asked. He just let her leave with Jihoon, who had also signed her up for the class, and then went through the same routine the next week.

He watched as the young girl pulled another stick out of the box, shoving it into her mouth at lightning fast speeds. Watching her, it reminded him of a chipmunk the way she was furiously munching at the snack as if it would disappear if she took too long.

“Nini works a lot! So they ask Uncle Jiji for help sometimes.” She began, munching loudly on her pepero as she swung her tiny legs out to lightly kick his desk. He had asked her once why she did that, and she just said she liked the noise it made, so he didn’t bother telling her to stop. “But Nini always comes home after work and we play tea party and superheroes together before bedtime!”

It wasn’t a lot of information but at least Minghao had a small grasp on the situation. At least it seemed like Sofie was coping well? Or at least from what he could tell, obviously he wasn’t around all the time. Despite that, he had come to care for the young girl after all the time the two had spent together. 

As he went to ask another question he heard the sound of the door to his dance studio swinging open, followed by the heavy sound of footsteps. His head snapped towards the door to his office, but from the angle he was at he couldn’t see whoever had entered.

“Sofie??” An unfamiliar voice echoed through the empty space. This person was obviously looking for the little girl sitting across from Minghao, but it wasn’t the familiar voice of her Uncle this time. Before Minghao could look back over at the child to question her, she had already bolted out of room and towards the mysterious voice. So, Minghao did what any sane person would do and followed her.

“Nini!” The child screamed, rushing over to the ‘stranger’ and jumping into your open arms as you knelt down. The person, whom Hao was now assuming was in fact Sofie’s parent, pulled the girl close and held her tightly. “Nini, I thought you had to be a vampire hunter tonight??”

You laughed, pulling away from the girl just enough to squeeze her cheeks between your palms. Sofie laughed as her you  shook her head from side to side, making a no motion.

“Well, they didn’t need me anymore. Turns out I’d fought most of those silly vampires! So I came to pick you up,” Your smile softened, and just from that Hao watched your smile drop for a fraction of a second as you explained yourself. He could only assume that you had been fired from...vampire hunting? He was definitely going to ask about that, he was a bit too curious not to. 

Sofie let out a cheer and threw her arms up into the air, knowing that you would now be able to spend more time with her. Almost as if she just realized where she was, Sofie pulled away from you, and turned back to look at Minghao. 

“Mr. Haohao! This is my Nini! They came to get me instead of Uncle Jiji!” She exclaimed, her hand wrapped tightly around your much larger one as she introduced the two of them. He couldn’t help but laugh a bit as Sofie bounced on the balls of her feet, obviously excited to introduce the two of you. You stood and flashed him a small nervous smile and gave a small wave with your free hand. It was such a simple action but Minghao had to admit that your smile was cute, even as small as it was now.

Seeing you also brought a bit of comfort to the male. He had been a bit concerned about Sofie’s home life, but he could tell how much you cared for your daughter. It was a relief to know that she was loved so much.

“Sorry for being late, there was some really bad traffic and I had to make sure Jihoon didn’t try and come pick her up too. That would have been awkward, ya know I get here and she’s already gone.” You rambled, which Minghao thought was fair, it was your first time meeting and first meetings with teachers were always awkward. So Minghao shook his head, as if to tell you that it wasn’t a big deal.

“Sofie’s a good kid, Jihoon’s usually late to come pick her up so we’re used to hanging out until her ride gets here. Isn’t that right Sofie?” At his question, the girl rapidly nodded to confirm. She quickly held up her basically empty box of pepero, shoving it as high towards your face as she could. 

“Mr. Haohao gives me snacks when I wait, so you can keep coming late.” Her words brought a laugh to the two of you. It was a tender moment, one that Hao was surprisingly content with being a part of.

“Why don’t you go grab your bag so we can head home, Uncle Gyu is coming over to make dinner tonight for us while Nini looks for a new job.” You instructed, patting your daughter on the back before watching her run back to the office you had seen her come out of. With Sofie gone, you looked back over at Minghao and the look on his face made your heart catch in your throat. He was watching after Sofie, as if she had hung the stars just for him as she dashed through his studio. The moment was soon over and he turned his attention towards you. 

“So, vampire hunting?” 

“I work...worked at an Italian restaurant, and Sofie says that I’m hunting vampires because of the garlic in the food. I figured I’d let her think that for now, didn’t want to crush her imagination and all.” Hao nodded, chuckling a bit to himself and thinking about how many little stories Sofie would tell him during their times waiting for her ride. It made sense now if her parent was encouraging her.

“Again, sorry for being late. I just...coming to get her was pretty last minute. I wasn’t supposed to be off until after 10.” Once more Hao gestured for you to stop, with a small soft smile of his face.

“Like I said, it’s fine. Sofie’s a good kid, and my next class doesn’t start for another hour. So it’s no problem for me. Honestly, it’d probably be a bit weird for me if she just suddenly was getting picked up on time.” He confessed, it was strange that he was admitting this to you. Usually he was a bit more closed off towards the adults, but you just seemed like someone he could be honest with. Like he could literally just say things and you could listen. 

He felt a strange happiness well in his chest as you let out a laugh, as if he had just told you the funniest joke ever.

“Noted, I’ll make sure to be at least ten minutes late from now on. But if you ever want her out of here earlier just let me know.”

“How would I do that without your number?” Minghao thought himself pretty smooth with that one. He wasn’t...technically flirting, but he wouldn’t mind talking to you more often. He met so many parents that either seemed to be filled with disdain for their kids or had only signed them up for his classes so that they could force their old dreams onto them. You didn’t seem like that, and he was grateful. 

“Shit, I totally didn’t have Jihoon give it to you when he signed her up did I? Here.” With a groan you pulled out your phone, tapping on the device for a moment before passing it over for Hao to put his number in. Wasn’t the exact reaction Hao was hoping for but it was so endearing that he didn’t mind. 

As soon as the phone was handed to him, Sofie came rushing out of the office with chocolate smeared around her lips and instead of her box of pepero she now had a small bar of the chocolate clutched in her tiny fist. He heard another small laugh escape your lips as you knelt back down in front of the young girl.

“And what do we say to Mr. Minghao?” The leading question had Sofie pause, her eyes widening as she wracked her little brain for the correct answer. When it seemed she had figured it out, she turned to face her teacher once more. 

“Thank you Mr.Haohao for the snacks!”

“And…?”

“And….for…”

“Watching me while I wait for Nini.” You whispered the answer to the young girl who parroted it back to Minghao. The male passed your phone back over to you as you returned to full height, contact info saved into the small device. Soon goodbyes were being said and the two of you were exiting the building.

Needless to say, he was a bit hopeful to see you again.

Which was exactly what happened, now every Tuesday after class he and Sofie would wait about 15 minutes and you would arrive. You would have some small chats while Sofie showed off to you what she learned that day. It was nice, and Minghao was growing just as fond of you as he was Sofie.

These casual chats led to more messages between the two of you as well. You would see some funny meme and send it his way, sometimes you would even send videos of Sofie practicing her choreography at home in a room he could only assume was hers. The plethora of toys shoved into the corner as she practiced was kind of a give away. In return he would send you images of things he’d made for dinner, or if he saw a cat on his way to work he would snap a picture for you. He could almost say that they two of you had become actual friends, despite not seeing each other outside of that designated time frame on Tuesday nights.

Today though, wasn’t a day he would be seeing you. It being a Friday, and one of the only days where he doesn’t schedule classes, he was getting errands done. Though for some reason he had decided to bring Soonyoung and Junhui, his roommate, grocery shopping with him. Something that he already knew was a bad idea, the two were like children and after the fourth time that one of them tried to sneak in a non essential item into their cart, Minghao felt regret filling him. 

Never again.

“Sooo, the Valentines dance recital thing is coming up soon right?” Junhui questioned, his eyes drifting over to Soonyoung who was once again trying to put some popsicles into the basket without Minghao noticing. Unfortunately for him, he was about as silent as the tiger he claimed to be.

Minghao grabbed the box from his hands without looking and returned it to the freezer where it belonged before grabbing the handle of the cart and continuing down the aisle. 

“Yeah, my kids class and my adults class seem to be prepared but my teens are struggling.” He confessed, turning left and entering the next aisle. His eyes scanned the shelfs for the items that they needed at home, hoping he didn’t forget anything. He had previously had a list but Junhui had distracted him on the way out and so it was left sitting uselessly on their kitchen counter. 

Soonyoung, still pouting, was gripping the edge of the cart like a child making the metal basket swerve like a drunk person was driving it before he spoke. 

“I’m sure they’ll be fine. You’re a good teacher so just keep doing what you’re doing and they’ll be ready.

As Hao was about to agree with the elder male, a loud shriek came from behind the trio. This was followed by the sound of footsteps running against the tile floor of the supermarket, and the weight of something slamming into the back of Minghao’s legs, which nudged both him and the cart forward.

“Mr. Haohao!!” Only now did he realize just where the scream came from. Doing his best to twist his head around to see the small girl who was currently clinging to his legs, he grinned. 

“Nice to see you too Sofie.” He greeted as the girl pulled away, bouncing on the balls of her feet as she stared up at him with wonder in her eyes.

“What you doing here?” She questioned, her hands moving up to fiddle with the zipper of her jacket. “I thought you would asplode (explode) if you left the dance place!” 

He heard a series of laughs coming from his roommates, and he rolled his eyes at them before kneeling down in front of the child. 

“Nope, I gotta leave there sometimes too, kiddo. My roommates would get lonely if I didn’t come back.” He reached out lightly pinched one of her cheeks, which brought a small bubble of laughter from her as she shoved his hand away. He did also leave out that his roommates would probably burn their apartment complex to the ground if he wasn’t at home at least...some of the time. Sofie didn’t need to know about his dysfunctional found family. 

Speaking of family, he glanced up looking to see if he could fine either you or Jihoon somewhere in the aisle, but no such luck.

“Where’s your Nini?” He questioned, his eyes returning to Sofie as she continued to bounce around happily. The young girl shrugged in response.

“I wanted to play hide and seek! So I hid!” Just as she spoke, the crackle of the loud speaker went off above the group, causing all three men to look up in surprise. A male worker’s voice began the announcement, letting the store know that a ‘Sofie’ was in fact missing, before describing what she would be wearing and finishing off the broadcast by asking for her to be brought to customer service if she was located. 

The trio’s eyes landed on the young girl, who didn’t seem to be phased at all by the announcement. Minghao couldn’t help but laugh as he stood back up. 

“Well, we better help you find Nini then.”

“I wanna ride in the buggy!” She exclaimed, her arms stretching out in the universal sign that she wanted to be lifted up. So Minghao did as she requested, lifting the girl and situating her in the children’s seat of the cart.  

The duo next to the cart quickly began chatting with Sofie, asking her all sorts of questions about the princess dress she was wearing, what her favorite game was, literally anything. It was pretty funny, and she was 100% willing to give them whatever answers they asked for. 

“It’s nice to finally meet the famous Sofie.” Soonyoung eventually said, grinning at the tiny girl as the group traversed through the store towards the front where customer service was. “Your Mr.Haohao has told us all about you, he even says you’re the best in his class!”

“Soonyoung…”

“He’s right,” Sofie agreed almost instantly, nodding rapidly in response. “ ‘Cause I listen, I don’t talk in class! Like Ria or Jinjin! They talk all the time, and Mr. Haohao has to give them tally marks!” She continued to ramble on about her classmates, as they continued their trek.

It gave Minghao a small sense of...domestic life. He wondered if this was what his kid would be like if he ever had one. He had never been able to imagine himself as a father, he was far too busy for that. Yet in that moment, he hoped that if he did ever have kids, that they would be at least half as charming as little Sofie.

As they pulled into view of the customer service area, Hao could see you standing nervously at the front. Gently chewing on the nail of your thumbs and tapping your foot as your anxiety grew. So before they reached the area, Hao stopped the cart and looked down at you.

“Sofie, you should apologize to your Nini.”

“Why?” Her tiny head tilted to the side in confusion, not understanding the need for an apology when in her mind she had done nothing wrong. She had just wanted to play and it wasn’t her fault that Nini wasn’t good at hide and seek.  

“Because you scared Nini, and that’s not nice. You don’t want to be mean, do you?” His words had the young girl gasping in shock, she of course hadn’t thought of it like that. Before Minghao could say anymore, her tiny eyes welled up with tears. Hao’s heart dropped at the sight, he had never seen the young girl cry and to his shock it made him feel terrible. She didn’t say a word though, simply shaking her head as she sniffled, silent tears beginning to streak down her cheeks. 

“Good job Hao, you made her cry.” Soonyoung quipped causing Junhui to snort slightly as the group began walking again. Once close enough, Hao called out your name, causing you to turn and look at them. When you eyes landed on your daughter’s back you let out a large sigh of relief. 

Hao carefully picked up the small girl once more, setting her feet on the ground just as you rushed up and knelt down in front of her. As soon as you were within her sight, she let out a soft sob. Which was a bit surprising to Minghao, he had expected wailing like with most children but Sofie was different...he already knew that though.

“Nini, I’m sorry!! Mr. Haohao said I scareded you!” She exclaimed, wrapping her short arms around your neck as she cried. Without hesitation, you wrapped your arms around your daughter, resting her weight on your hip as you let her cry into your shoulder. A few comforting words leaving your lips as you tried to calm her down, confirming that you were scared but only because you didn’t want her to get hurt. After a moment her tiny sobs became non-existant, and she turned her head in the crook of your shoulder so that she could watch as you began speaking to Minghao and his roommates.

“Thanks Minghao, I’m honestly so grateful you’re the one who found her. I was so worried some creep had just run off with her.” You confessed, stroking Sofie’s back as you spoke. Before Minghao could respond to you, Junhui came up to his side and rested his elbow on the shorter male’s shoulder.

“Just call him Hao the Hero! That’s what we do!”

“You do not!” Minghao retorted, lightly shoving Junhui away from him and rolling his eyes. That was enough to get Sofie’s attention again.

“Mr. Haohao is a superhero?! I knew it!” She exclaimed, dried tears and snot still one her face, but the former emotions seemed to be all gone as she was now excited at the possibility of her teacher being a superhero. You couldn’t help but laugh at your daughters antics once again.

“I really owe you guys one, I don’t know what I would have done if anything happened to her.” 

Once again, Minghao found himself stunned silent by the smile plastered on your face. It was like a scene in some romcom film, where he was the love struck protagonist that was struggling to find the words to speak.

Wait...love? His heart was pounding in his chest at this realization. Sure the two of you messaged each other more casually now but...love? He never thought he would be someone who could fall in love, figuring he’d be alone forever, maybe buy a cat or two for company if Junhui and Soonyoung ever moved out. But love had always seemed like such a far reaching concept for him. 

“You could make it up to us and come have dinner at our place tonight!” Soonyoung exclaimed, almost as if he could see the gears in Hao’s head as they turned. Minghao felt his heart leap into his throat as his head snapped over to Soonyoung, who continued. “Hao’s making dinner tonight, and we love having guests!”

As if your situation was mimicking Minghao’s own, you were cut off and unable to answer when your daughter spoke.

“I wanna go! I wanna!” She exclaimed, bouncing as you held her causing your frame to shake a bit from the little one’s excitement. With a chuckle, you nodded firmly.

“Well, if Fi wants to go then I guess I can’t say no.”

“Yeah! You said is rude to say no to inva-invamatations” Sofie declared with a firm nod. With a small correction to her sentence, you looked back over at Hao with a small smile.

“I...better finish up my shopping. Just, text me when it’s good for us to head over. Sofie’s bedtime is at 9 though so…”

“I usually make dinner around 6 so you should be able to get her home in time for bed.”

The smile that spread across your face was enough to send Minghao’s heart into overdrive.

“I’ll see you then.”

Once again, Minghao watched the two of you walk off to go finish your shopping. This time he could hear Sofie explaining that she made friends with Soonyoung and Junhui too and that she was going to draw everyone in a picture before dinner tonight. Minghao was snapped out of his longing stare when Junhui lightly elbowed him in the gut.

“You’ve got it bad, Mr. ‘I-make-dinner-at-6.’. I don’t think you’ve cooked dinner before 10pm in all the years we’ve known each other.” Minghao felt the tips of his ears heat up at the accusation. He refused to make eye contact with his roommates who were casually throwing out teasing comments in his direction. 

If Minghao thought that the teasing would stop once they arrived home and he started meal prep for the night, then he was a fool. In fact it only got worse. It eventually came down to Minghao threatening to kick the two older men out of the house until dinner was over. Despite some whining, the two agreed to calm down their teasing. For now at least.

“So...you really like them don’t you?” Junhui questioned. The tall man had climbed up onto the free space of the counter, sitting cross legged as he watched Minghao cook. He didn’t seem to be teasing this time, his curiosity genuine.

Minghao paused for a moment, staring at the dish he was cooking as if the food would give him the answer he desired. Unsurprisingly, it did no such thing. So he didn’t respond, which prompted Jun to continue.

“I mean, you get along well with their kid so...it wouldn’t be weird if the two of you got together.”

“Look, I know you mean well but I don’t want to pressure them. I also don’t want to lose Sofie. If I tell them about these feelings I’ve caught, they might be uncomfortable and take Sofie out of my class.” Minghao confessed, it was weird saying these things out loud. Things he had only thought about in passing before today, since he had just now realized how much he had grown to care for you.

“I don’t think they’d do that,” Jun retorted, his eyes staring up at the ceiling as a small mischievous grin slithered onto his face. “They were looking at you with the exact same heart eyes that you had.”

“Shut up, and get out.” Hao groaned, trying to return his focus on the meal so that he didn’t ruin anything. 

Which he didn’t, the dinner was a success with both you and Sofie loving the food. There was a soft, almost domestic aura surrounding the table that the five of you sat at, even with Soonyoung and Junhui there. Sofie seemed overjoyed to be there, looking around every few minutes and asking questions like ‘why don’t you live at the dance studio?’ among other things. It was something Minghao could grow accustomed to. 

As the night began to wind down, Soonyoung and Junhui offered to take Sofie out to play in the backyard. Something you were okay with, saying it would help tire her out before bed time. Minghao knew their motives though, they wanted to get you two alone and it made his heart flutter with anxiety. Hoping he wouldn’t say something dumb. 

He distracted himself by picking up the plates left behind by the goofball trio, as he had now dubbed them, and transporting them to the kitchen so that he could clean up. To his surprise, you followed behind him, picking up what dishes he couldn’t grab on his first trip.

“Here, let me help.” You offered, your eyes scanning for a scrub brush near the sink so that you could clean off some of the dishes. Minghao quickly shook his head, taking the dishes from your hands after setting down his own. 

“No way, you’re the guest.”

“And you made dinner, it’s only fair I help.” Right then was when Minghao realized just who Sofie got her puppy dog eyes from, for you were giving him basically the exact same look. He felt his heart seize up and he quickly averted his gaze before you could see the flush growing on his face. 

“Fine, I’ll wash them and you can dry.”

The task went by rather quickly with the both of you working. He would scrub and rinse before passing them off for you to try the excess water off and set them in the drying rack. It was silent as the two of you filed things away, but it wasn’t an awkward silence. In fact Minghao would have found it quite comforting if not for his worry that you could somehow hear how fast his heart was beating. 

“Sofie’s really fond of you.” You said, setting the last dish into the rack before turning your gaze to the young dance teacher. “She’s always talking about you when we’re at home. I think by this point most of the art she’s put on our fridge also has you in it too. I guess what I want to say is...thank you for being so kind to her.”

Minghao couldn’t stop himself from smiling as he met your gaze.

“You don’t have to thank me, I enjoy getting to spend time with her. She’s definitely better company than my nosy roommates.” His words brought a bright laugh from you, covering your mouth as you did so. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from you, feeling his heart swell with this newly realized feeling. He liked that he could make you laugh or smile.

The silence returned, the two of you locking eyes once more. From your body language, he could tell that you were struggling to speak, words lingering just beyond the surface that you didn’t know how to get out. So he decided to say fuck it.

“Are you doing anything on Valentine’s day?” As soon as the words left his lips it was as if time had frozen. Was that too presumptuous? Should he have not mentioned the holiday? Sure he knew you weren’t seeing someone at the moment, you had told him yourself, but that didn’t calm his nerves.

“Yeah, my uh...one of my jobs was asking for people who didn’t have plans if they could work that day so...I said yes.” You replied sheepishly. He felt his heart sink a bit, he knew you worked a lot. Being a single parent was expensive so you had taken two jobs to support your family, which was why your best friend Jihoon, who worked from home, usually babysat Sofie when you were busy. 

“Ah. That makes sense.” He couldn’t stop the light disappointment from seeping into his words. His eyes flickering to the floor, embarrassed. Only for them to snap back up to you as you spoke once more.

“But...I might be free sometime the week after.” You confessed, causing a small bit of hope to return to the male. “I know the Valentine’s recital is on the 15th, and that was my only real day off that week.”

“How would Friday the 20th sound? I don’t have any classes that day?” He jumped in, his heart thumping loudly in his chest as he watched your face twist into one of deep thought. Another moment of silence passed between the two of you before you broke out in a grin.

“I’m pretty sure I can get that night off. So...it’s a date?”

***

Time seemed to pass almost too quickly, the next week was Valentine’s day and the dance recital. The day of recitals was probably the most stressful day of his career, he was always running around and making sure everything was set up and that no problems would arise. Much to his relief, everything went fine, of course there were some minor mess ups, but other than that all of his classes were spectacular.

As things began to wind down, students said their goodbyes and Minghao began the arduous task of cleaning up. 

“Told you everything was gonna go great!” Soonyoung exclaimed. The elder male began unplugging the lights that had been set up for the show, as he and Junhui had stayed after to help Minghao clean up. The teacher laughed softly and nodded, while his roommates might be a little...wild, they were the kind of optimism that he needed in his life and Minghao was constantly grateful for them. Even if he rarely said the words out loud.

Grabbing his phone, which he had been using for the night’s music, he began deconstructing the speakers so that he could carry them back to the equipment room. 

“Sure, sure, you were right. I supposed a blue moon does happen every once in a while.”

“Hey!” Soonyoung exclaimed, pouting a bit as Junhui and Minghao laughed at his expense. It was times like these where he knew who his people were, times where he didn’t need anything else. Or at least they used to be, a small part of him felt like something was missing. As he thought this, a loud familiar call of his name echoed off the walls.

“Mr. Haohao!” Sofie’s familiar voice called, her footsteps thudding against the flooring as she ran towards him. She was, of course, still all dressed up from the recital. Soft pinks and whites covered her fluffy dress, the skirt bounced excitedly with every step she took. Without thinking of it, Minghao set down the speaker and knelt down as Sofie rushed up and jumped into his arms.

“Did I do good Mr. Haohao?” She questioned, hugging him tightly as she did so. He couldn’t help but laugh at her question before giving a small affirmation. 

“We both know you did great, Sofie. You’re a very talented dancer.” He reassured, causing a small noise of joy to escape the young girl.  “I really hope your Nini decides to sign you up for the next set of classes.”

“Oh, don’t you worry about that. I think Sofie would have my head if I didn’t sign her up again.” He had been so distracted talking to Sofie that he hadn’t even heard you approaching until you spoke. As his eyes strayed from the young girl in his arms, he was blown away. You had really outdone yourself tonight, all dressed up to look presentable for the recital. Not that you weren’t stunning beforehand, but he was still blown away nonetheless. For a moment he was just sitting there, staring at you, before he heard Junhui clear his throat behind him. 

He stood as Sofie let him go, returning to your side and taking your hand in her own. 

“We were...planning on going to get ice cream to celebrate the recital going well. Sofie wanted to invite you.” You began, Sofie nodding rapidly as she beamed up at him. It was definitely heart warming, but he knew he couldn’t. There was still so much work left to do and he couldn’t just leave it all for Junhui and Soonyoung. He opened his mouth to reply, but was cut off before any sound could escape him.

“Sure! He would love to go!” Junhui’s familiar cheerful voice cut through, causing Minghao to pause and turn back to look at his friend in shock. The male in question grinned, winking at Minghao. “We can finish up here, we’ve been around long enough that we know where everything goes.”

“But-”

Before Minghao could protest, Soonyoung had practically leapt over to the male and pulled him into a tight hug. His lips brushing up against Minghao’s ear as he squeezed him.

“I know you have a ‘date’ next week with them but you better go get ice cream tonight or so help me. You’ll be pouting about it all night.” It was very unlike Soonyoung to take control during situations like this, but Minghao knew that he was right. So he returned the hug, getting one last big squeeze from Soonyoung as he said goodbye. 

Sofie’s face lit up with the brightest smile he had ever seen when he confirmed that he would join the two of you for your daughter’s favorite after-dance dessert. Shoving his hands in his pockets, Minghao walked beside the two of you towards the entrance of the studio. As you neared the doors, Minghao felt a small tugging on his pants leg. He glanced down and saw Sofie’s hand extended up towards him, making small grabbing motions as she walked.

Taking the hint, he pulled his hand out of the pocket and it was soon firmly held in Sofie’s grip. In that moment, everything seemed to fit into place. He had thought about it before but he hadn’t really realized how much he wanted this until it was right in his hands.

Instead of taking a car, Sofie insisted that the three of you walk together. Chatting along as Sofie walked in between the two of you, swinging your arms excitedly as she talked about the recital. It was a nice little walk, the air thankfully was not too cold and the ice cream parlor was thankfully close by. It seemed like everything was moving so quickly and before Minghao knew it, it was over and Sofie was begging for him to go to their home so he could tuck her into bed.

So there he was, 8 at night and waiting awkwardly on your sofa as you get Sofie ready to go to sleep. He could hear the two of you chatting and heard something that caused his heart to practically stop.

“Nini, can Mr. Haohao be my new Papa?” The innocent question had him in shock, his hands sweating as he wrung them together. He couldn’t really hear your response but he heard the loud noise of affirmation from Sofie after, which was followed by the sound of footsteps rushing into the living room.

“Mr.Haohao! It’s sleep time!” Sofie exclaimed, clumsily leaping over the arm of the couch so she could fall onto his lap. A symphony of giggles coming from her lips as Minghao seemed to snap back to reality, lifting the girl up and standing from the couch. 

“Well then we better get you to bed, Princess.” He glanced back down the hallway where you were watching, and flashed you a small smile. You returned the gesture before turning on your heel to lead him down the hallway towards Sofie’s room. He had seen glimpses of the room before in the videos that you had sent to him, and it was definitely a room that fit the young girl. 

He made his way over to the small bed, noticing the Princess bed sheets and he could only assume that this was Merida. He wasn’t too well versed in Princesses, but Sofie had rambled to him about her favorite Princess so many times that it would be surprising if it were anyone else. He plopped her down gently on the mattress and watched as she wormed her way under the covers. 

“Mr. Haohao, can you come play with me tomorrow?” She questioned, stifling a yawn as she stared up at him. He chuckled softly, pulling the comforter up to her shoulders and patting her head softly. 

“I’ll ask your Nini and see what they say, but for now it’s time for sleep. Okay Fi?”

She nodded softly, rolling over to her side and squeezing her eyes shut. As if going to sleep quicker would enhance the chances of her seeing her favorite teacher tomorrow. 

Minghao stood from Sofie’s bedside and turned back to face you, the look on your face caused his heart to practically skip a beat. You hadn’t seen someone get Sofie to sleep that fast since Jihoon made her that sleepy time playlist. It definitely made your heart flutter to see him be so kind to your daughter, you could see how much he cared. It made you wish that he could care about you just as much.

***

A week later, Minghao was practically beside himself with anxiety. He knew he was extremely fashionable but every outfit he seemed to try and put together for his date with you just didn’t seem to cut it. Despite that concern he had still pulled together a nice comfortable outfit that fit with the small mom and pop diner’s feel.

The two of you had decided it would be best to meet at the restaurant rather than drive up there together. Though, waiting in this booth had to be the most stressful thing that had ever happened to him. He had honestly never been this nervous about a date before, but he really liked you and he...really liked having Sofie around, so he didn’t want to screw this up.

The sound of the door chime rang in his ears, followed by the sound of footsteps against the linoleum flooring. 

“Minghao, I’m so sorry I’m late! Sofie kept trying to come along and started crying when I was about to leave so it took me a bit longer to leave.” You explained, sliding into the booth with an apologetic smile on your face. You were a bit out of breath and your clothes a bit disheveled but Minghao had never seen anyone more breathtaking. You were about to continue your apology, worried that he would be upset that he had to wait, but before you could speak you found one of your hands being taken into his own.

“I’d have waited all night if it meant getting to have dinner with you.” All anxiety seemed to be gone now, and back was the calm and collected Minghao. If the night could have lasted forever, then Minghao would have liked it to. 

It wasn’t anything fancy, the two of you wanted to keep it more of a down low date. Though Minghao did wish that there was at least some wine, but that was just his personal preference. The two of you chatted through the dinner about everything, life, your jobs, anything and everything. Until finally the topic strayed towards Sofie.

“Her...other parent, they didn’t really want anything to do with her.” You explained, your eyes straying from Minghao and landing on the table. You hadn’t really spoken to anyone about this, everyone who needed to know had been around when things had gone down. So breaching this subject had been one you had been dreading. 

“It’s just been Sofie and me since she was born, I haven’t really tried...dating since then? I never wanted her to get attached to someone only for them to walk out on us. You know?” Minghao nodded in understanding, it was something he had suspected in all honesty.

“We’re a package deal, and I just...before we decide to try anything, I just need to know that you understand that.” 

“At this point, I would do anything for Sofie...and for you.” Minghao confessed. “I’m honestly crazy about the both of you, and I don’t think that is going to change anytime soon.”

***

“Fi, come on get up. You’re gonna be late for school.” Minghao called out as he threw open her bedroom door and flipped the light switch on just to prove his point.. The teen in question groaned, rolling over and hiding her head under the covers. 

The sight had Hao rolling his eyes before sauntering into the room, making sure to step over the clothing and books that had been left on her floor so that he could give her frame a small shake. It had been a good 7 years since he had started dating you and 5 years since he had moved in with Sofie and you. It wasn’t the life that he had expected to have, but he wouldn’t change it for the world. 

“Come on kiddo, don’t make me sick Uncle Jun on you. You know he’ll come over right now and tackle you.” That seemed to have her moving, throwing back her blanket with a groan as she looked over to glare lightly at Minghao. 

“You’re such a jerk, Papa. Uncle Jun is the worst alarm clock.” She complained, throwing her legs out from under the covers and off of the bed. She stood and sluggishly trekked over to her closet to pull out her school uniform. “At least Uncle Gyu just wakes me up with food.” 

“Well, I tried to tell you when breakfast was ready, but someone didn’t want to get up yet.”

“That’s cause you make breakfast at like...6” she complained. Minghao couldn’t help but laugh as she gestured for him to leave the room, which he did. Returning to the kitchen where you stood sipping on your breakfast drink of choice, about ready to head out for work. 

“She finally get up?” You questioned, eyes following Minghao as he made his way over to press a soft kiss to your lips. Which you returned without any problem, your heart swelling with happiness even after all this time of being with him. 

“I did have to threaten her with Jun, but she at least won’t be late now.” He explained, his arms wrapping around your waist as he rested his forehead against your own. “Speaking of late, if you don’t hurry that’s what you’re going to be.” 

It was normal for him to distract you with affection right before you left for work, it was honestly something he looked forward to. At this point it was practically routine, even after all these years. He was still crazy in love with you and he doubted that would ever change. You and Sofie were his past, present, and future, and he decided that was all he needed in life, and so he wanted to show you that every day from now on. He never wanted you to have to doubt if his feelings were genuine.

“Then give me one last kiss you goof.” You instructed, pressing your lips against his own, just as Sofie walked into the kitchen.

“Oh my god you two, gross!” She jeered, sitting down at the table where her rapidly cooling breakfast was sitting. You and Hao pulled away from each other with one last small peck, making your way over to press a kiss to your daughter’s forehead. 

“Have a good day at school sweetie. Jihoon’s gonna take you to the studio so you can work on that project today, make sure to meet him at the front doors when you’re let out. Okay?” You instructed, speaking to the girl as you grabbed your keys so that you could finally leave for work. 

“I know Nini, I’ll see you for dinner tonight.” 

It was a simple domestic life, but watching the two of you, his partner and his daughter, it was better than any film could have described it. He had found his family, and it was here.

[ibijau]

Counterfeit AU pt6 / On AO3

Meng Yao makes himself useful after losing his job, and discovers something unexpected

Names are funny things, Meng Yao thinks as he stares at the sheet of paper in his hand. 

Funny things indeed.

-

After everything that went down in the Hanshi, it's Beastie that saves Meng Yao from himself.

Left to his own devices, he would have either wallowed in misery, or waste time proving to himself that everything that happened wasn't his fault, the way he knows he's done in other lives. But when he comes home after having his past lives thrown into his face and losing a job he loves, Beastie’s mother corners him just as he puts his key into his lock. Her daughter is on school holiday, she explains, and was supposed to be looked after by a friend with children of a similar age. But one of the children came down with something contagious, so the whole plan fell through, and the poor woman now desperately needs help finding someone to look after her daughter.

She’s not asking for Meng Yao to play the babysitter, but he knows so many people, he has so many connections, maybe he could pull a favour somewhere, help her out again.

“I can take care of her for a few days,” Meng Yao offers without thinking. “I’m jobless as of today.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry! What happened?”

“My employer died,” Meng Yao replies, which is close enough to the truth. He doesn’t think Nie Huaisang will continue using his Shanzi alias after this, and they’ll never meet again. He might as well be dead. “I don’t plan on looking for a new job right away, so I can babysit for a while, it’s no big deal.”

She tries to insist that he doesn’t need to be doing that, but quickly agrees after some reassurance that Meng Yao doesn’t mind. She looks so relieved she could cry as she says she’ll drop Beastie in the morning. Meng Yao smiles, certain that his mother would be proud of him for doing what’s right.

Having Beastie around is definitely the best choice he could have made. She’s a good kid, but she’s also high energy and needs to be entertained, which means he doesn’t get to think too much about how much he misses Nie Huaisang and Lan Xichen. 

They watch movies together, as they’ve always done when he picked her up after school. They go for walks to a nearby park, and once to a museum to look at old armours and swords. He buys Beastie a fake sword, though they agree to keep it at his place, since her mother already despairs that she so strongly favours boy’s toys. In fact, Meng Yao ends up just spoiling that little girl, the way he would have loved someone to do for him when he was her age. He even has Nie Huaisang’s console repaired so she can play on it, instead of selling it as he’d intended.

The video games are a big hit with her. She’s particularly in love with the same game Nie Huaisang spent too many hours on, that weird little terraforming thing which Meng Yao can’t see the appeal of. He liked that it made Nie Huaisang happy. He likes that it also makes Beastie happy, and that she’s very careful not to ruin the work previously put into it, focused instead on maintaining it and planting flowers

“It looks like home,” she explains when Meng Yao asks about that, and lifts the console for him to see.

It doesn’t look like a homely place, he thinks, and more like a military fortress right out of a wuxia drama. But Meng Yao doesn’t get to make that remark, because his phone vibrates, demanding his attention. Beastie, sitting crossed legs on some cushion on the floor, goes back to watering virtual flowers, while Meng Yao checks some news from his bank account. A lump sum has been sent to him, a good deal more than his usual salary, coming from an account registered under a name he doesn’t recognise.

It has been a week since he was fired.

Nie Huaisang kept his promise.

It really is over.

Not that Meng Yao really doubted it. Nie Huaisang has many faults but indecision has never been one, though he’s always been good at pretending otherwise. Once his choice is made he toys with expectations but rarely ever changes his mind.

Rarely, of course, isn’t never. Meng Yao, foolishly, hoped to be one of those few exceptions. 

Those new zeroes on his bank account feel like a divorce, and he never even got a honeymoon. 

That night, Meng Yao allows himself a few hours to wallow in misery, after Beastie went back to her mother. He is only human, and it does feel good to eat take-away in front of a cheesy romance. The film's hero doesn't get the girl, who was dead all along. Meng Yao cries, even though he's seen that movie before. 

By morning, he's in control again, and takes Beastie to the park so she can run around in the sun, and scare pigeons with her sword.

Those holidays are all great fun, until Beastie’s mother reminds them that she has homework to do.

Beastie is a clever kid, there’s no doubt about it, but she doesn’t much like doing her homework, least of all when she feels she could be playing. It takes all of Meng Yao’s negotiation skills to get her to even look at her school books, and he almost resorts to bribery to make her pick up a pencil. But she works hard once she starts, and Meng Yao, wanting to encourage her, sits with her at the kitchen table to update his resume. Beastie will go back to class soon, and inactivity just isn’t in his temper.

When Beastie is done with her work, she gets permission to put on whatever movie she likes while Meng Yao checks what she’s done in case it needs correcting.

But when he picks up the sheet of simple maths she’s expected to give her teacher on monday, all Meng Yao sees is her name.

It’s really funny. He knows her name of course, though he hasn’t heard it in a while. Even her mother took up to calling her Beastie after he nicknamed her that. It just fits her so well, that active little girl who prefers trousers over dresses because they're easier to move in and always wants to play at fighting. She’s a real little monster, and Meng Yao loves her like that. She’s just Beastie.

But according to the homework she’s spent the afternoon on, she’s also Nie Mingjue.

It could just be a coincidence. Names are funny like that, they pop up in unexpected places, they get forgotten and reused. Perhaps in another life, Meng Yao would have just dismissed it as a random incident.

In another life, he wouldn’t have been called Meng Yao.

It’s the first time this happens since that first life they all shared. He’s Meng Yao again, Lan Xichen bears his old name too, and now he’s found a Nie Mingjue, hiding right under his nose. A Nie Mingjue who likes fighting, and claims that her toy sword is actually a sabre, and who always insists a lot on things being fair, even when Meng Yao tries to give her the biggest share of a food she likes.

It can’t be a coincidence.

Meng Yao needs to tell someone.

He needs to tell Nie Huaisang.

He tries, of course, and without surprise his former employer’s number has been terminated. He has the same luck trying to send an email. Nie Huaisang might as well never have existed. Meng Yao feels helpless, torn between tears and laughter. After spending centuries looking for his brother, Nie Huaisang just might have lost his chance due to being so damn dramatic. Serves him right, Meng Yao thinks, still bitter about being discarded so easily, and never getting a chance to see if things might work better in this life.

Bitterness doesn’t last. Meng Yao cares about Nie Huaisang, more than he should if he were a little smarter, and he knows how important finding his brother again would be for him. And if Nie Huaisang can’t be directly contacted, there’s always indirect ways.

It’s not that Meng Yao misses Lan Xichen, he tells himself that night, when Beastie is back with his mother and he starts writing a long text message on his phone. Well, it’s not just that, anyway. He does miss Lan Xichen, sweet and funny and so eager when talking about art. But more importantly, Lan Xichen probably has access to Lan Wangji, who clearly must know how to contact Nie Huaisang. 

Texting Lan Xichen is a strategic choice. 

The way Meng Yao's heart jumps inside his chest when Lan Xichen immediately replies is… it's strategic too. He's just glad that his plan is working. 

How have you been? :)

I could have been worse. I've just realised something and I think it concerns you. I've told you about that kid I babysit, haven't I? 

Little Beastie? Is she okay? D:

She's Nie Mingjue. 

This time, the answer isn't immediate. Meng Yao stares nervously at his phone, wondering if Lan Xichen thinks he's lying, or planning something. Considering their first life, who could blame him? 

But after a few minutes, his phone vibrates again. 

Sorry, I dropped my phone and couldn't get it back from under the couch. Are you sure?? (⊙ˍ⊙)

It all fits. You could come meet her if you want. But it's him, I'm sure. 

Did you tell Nie Huaisang???

I can't contact him. Are you in touch with Lan Wangji? Maybe he can warn him. 

I have his number, I just texted him! I'll keep you updated! It's so wonderful if it's da-ge!! Can I really meet him? ╰(*°▽°*)╯

Her*?

I'll send you my address. If you can come tomorrow, she'll be there.

Are you sure? I don't think da-ge would still want me around. (≧﹏ ≦)

Meng Yao gives that question the consideration it deserves. It's not an unfair worry to have, and he'd be wondering the same if he hadn't known Beastie for so long. 

I literally killed him, and he killed me. If she had to hate anyone it'd be me, but we get along great. We're no longer the same people we used to be. It's the same for her. 

If you're sure, then I'll come! (❁´w`❁)

-

Meng Yao is very sure indeed. 

So Lan Xichen comes. 

It's odd to invite someone to his flat. It's a small place, a bit messy, full of trinkets and DVDs that Meng Yao would never admit to owning, not with the image he wants to create. He's always avoided guests. But having Lan Xichen over is as rewarding as it is terrifying. Lan Xichen brought some charming little cakes, as if he's visiting someone important, and he smiles at the sight of a movie poster on the wall, confessing he watched it so often as a teenager that the tape broke one day. 

"It's my favourite too!" Beastie exclaims. "Meng-ge has it, you know! Can we watch it now?" 

Normally, Meng Yao would point out that it's a little rude to ask that when they have a guest. But he can see that Lan Xichen is nervous and unsure how to act around Nie Mingjue, and maybe a movie will let them all relax. 

In the end, they spend a pleasant afternoon, the three of them. Once Lan Xichen stops worrying that the Nie Mingjue of old will appear and shout at him for getting him killed, he starts chatting with Beastie about her favourite movies, what she's learning in school, what she wants to be when she grows up. She's very happy to answer, and very impressed when he explains he's a teacher, even though she's finding it hard to accept that most of his students are fully adult.

And when Beastie is back with her mother, Lan Xichen lingers for a while, tempted by the offer of Meng Yao's favourite takeaway.

“It’s amazing how much like him she is,” Lan Xichen says as they sit on the sofa to wait for the food to arrive. “It’s the first time he reincarnates, you know. At least, Wangji told me they’d never found any trace of him before.”

Guilt shoots through Meng Yao. It’s his fault if Nie Mingjue’s soul was so fractured it took him this long to be reborn. Or at least, it’s the fault of someone he was, once, which is nearly the same, and yet completely different. Meng Yao has learned from living and dying several times, and he’s lucky enough to live in a kinder world than Jin Guangyao did. It helps.

“She’s also different from him, though,” Lan Xichen continues, moving just a little closer, until they’re almost touching.

“We’ll, for starters she’s a kid,” Meng Yao points out, wondering if he should take the other man’s hand. If this had happened before the Hanshi, he would have, but he’s not sure where they stand now.

“It’s not just that. In that first life, I knew da-ge as a child too and he was…” Lan Xichen sighs and makes a vague hand gesture. “He was a lot. Way too serious sometimes. We all were, I suppose, but him most of all. The Nie tended to grow fast, to compensate for dying young. I’m… I’m glad that he gets to properly be a child this time. That she gets to be a child.”

“The world has changed,” Meng Yao says, finding the courage at last to brush his fingers against Lan Xichen’s. “Things aren’t always easy but they’re… easier, I suppose.”

Lan Xichen’s returns that touch, gentle and careful as always. This, too, is easier now than it was back then. It’s not easy, but there’s less pressure to conform, less demands to be good dutiful sons, and just a little more space to be their own people, to make their own choices.

Maybe in their next life they’ll meet again and it’ll be even easier to be like this. But even now, Meng Yao is ready to take the chances that his past self wouldn’t have dared to dream of. He leans toward Lan Xichen, hoping to kiss him, but a knock on the door interrupts them and he jumps to his feet to go get their food. The delivery man looks at him a little funny, but makes no comment. If Meng Yao is half as red as Lan Xichen, he deserves those odd looks.

Nothing happens again that night. The moment has passed, and after eating, Lan Xichen has to go home because he has engagements the day after that he can’t cancel.

It's not a date that night, no more than any of their previous encounters were. 

It's not a date then, but next time, when Lan Xichen invites him to a restaurant, Meng Yao is informed in no unclear terms that this is, in fact, a date. They go see a movie after, and Meng Yao gets to kiss one of the two most handsome men in the world.

Life is good. 

Life is really good, and yet Meng Yao wants more. 

In spite of their efforts, Lan Xichen and him can't get in touch with Nie Huaisang to inform him that his brother has finally reincarnated. Even Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian are getting worried. From what they told Lan Xichen they haven't had any contact with him since the day they picked him up at the Hanshi. 

"They say he's done that before," Lan Xichen tells him. "They think he'll return in a decade or two, maybe a little longer. Time is hard for immortals, they lose track easily." 

That's all very well for them, but Meng Yao doesn't have a few decades to waste, and neither does Nie Mingjue. They're not immortals. One bad illness, a reckless driver, just tripping in the stairs, and it's all over until they reincarnate again, and Meng Yao is done with missed chances. 

If he can't directly get in touch with Nie Huaisang, Meng Yao can make a few discreet calls to former buyers, and advise them to get their purchase asserted again, just in case. He makes sure to only contact people who bought legitimate artworks of course. He wants to make a wave, not get in trouble. If Meng Yao knows Nie Huaisang even half as well as he thinks he does, then even in hiding Nie Huaisang will be checking what’s happening in the world of art collectors, and he’ll hear about some of his buyers suddenly becoming fearful of fakes.

It’s a little mean perhaps, when Nie Huaisang is so proud of his counterfeits, but kindness has never been Meng Yao’s greatest quality.

Besides, it works.

One afternoon, when Meng Yao is alone at home, checking a job offer that he’s probably going to reject because he deserves better, there’s a knock on the door. Meng Yao considers ignoring it, but some of his elderly neighbours have been coming to ask for help with their phones or whatever new fancy blender their kids got them to make life easier. Usually, five minutes of easy work means free homemade food for his next meal, which is always a great deal.

When he opens the door, there’s a very old man waiting in the corridor alright, but free food is probably out of the question.

“Well, I’m here,” Nie Huaisang says. “Whatever is going on, it’d better be important.”