#a lot of it is also not through dialog but also by his inability to Not be touching/kissing/smiling at Atropa

[drawnecromancy]

OC in 15 or fewer

Taking @jezifster's open tag here as well because I'm having Thoughts. Quotes will be in french, and translated in english under the cut.

Rules : Share 15 or fewer lines of dialogue from an OC, ideally lines that capture the character/personality/vibe of the OC. Bonus points for just using the dialogue without other details about the scene, but you're free to include those as well!

Before we go, i'm tagging @isabellebissonrouthier and also leaving an open tag :)

Hélianthe !

"Vous me quittez déjà ?"

"Atropa, vous êtes une génie."

"J'espère au moins que le château ducal vaudra le détour. Êtes-vous déjà allée à Forge, dans l'Empire ? L'architecture y est magnifique."

"Enfin, je me doute bien que tout sort visant à influencer l'esprit de quelqu'un est illégal partout. Cela ne me changera pas de d'habitude."

"J'ai bien cru comprendre que vous n'aimiez pas Vladimir de Monthaut, mais j'ai du mal à voir pourquoi vous vous sentiez obligée d'insinuer que vous alliez vous retrouver dans le lit de sa femme ?"

"Si le duc fait quoi que ce soit pour vous nuire, je me débrouillerai pour m'en occuper."

"Ne nous emportons pas. Je ne voudrais pas être en retard au banquet."

"Vous vous êtes trompée de porte ?"

"J'ai vraiment l'impression d'être incapable de résoudre seul tous les problèmes que je cause," grogna-t-il finalement. "C'est... C'est frustrant."

"Ne vous inquiétez pas, Vladimir ne vous remplacera jamais dans mon cœur."

"Je n'allais quand même pas vous réveiller."

"C'est Anne, n'est-ce pas ? Vous avez peur que je la tue. C'est pour cela que vous avez attendu que je me soie mis en mauvaise posture tout seul avant de me parler des gardiens d'Aeteris. Tout ce temps, vous avez tout fait pour être sûre qu'elle ne se retrouve pas avec un monstre assoiffé de sang à ses trousses."

"Cela ne me dérange pas de manger si c'est avec des gens."

"J'ai à peine eu à répondre à ses avances et il était pratiquement à mes pieds."

"Je rappellerai à Vladimir que ce n'est pas à moi qu'il est marié, que je sache, et que je peux faire ce que je veux."

"Already leaving me ?"

"Atropa, you're a genius."

"I hope at least that the duke's castle is worth something. Have you ever been to Forge, in the Empire ? Its architecture is magnificent."

"Well, I would guess that spells influencing one's mind would be illegal everywhere. This won't be much of a change."

"I believe I understood very well that you dislike Vladimir of Monthaut, but I am struggling to see why you thought you had to imply you were going to find yourself in his wife's bed ?"

"If the duke does anything against you, I will do my best to take care of him."

"Let's not get carried away. I wouldn't want to be late to the banquet."

"Did you open the wrong door ?"

"I truly feel like I am incapable of fixing alone all of these problems I am causing," he finally mumbled. "It is... It is frustrating."

"Do not worry, Vladimir will never replace you in my heart."

"I was not going to wake you up."

"It's Anne, isn't it ? You're afraid that I will kill her. That's why you waited for me to put myself in a tricky situation all on my own before telling me about the guardians of Aeteris. All this time, you have done everything you could to be certain she would not be stuck with a bloodthirsty monster chasing her."

"I do not mind eating if it is with people."

"I barely had to respond positively to his advances and he was almost at my feet."

"I will remind Vladimir that he is not married to me as far as I know, and that I can do whatever I want."

[absolutely-esme]

I've been enjoying sharing some of my headcanons, so I thought I might share some little tweaks I like to make to canon when I think up possible fics.

Most of these are not exactly headcanons. These are actual changes to what happened, or interpretations different enough from the view presented that it feels like a change. They don't alter the overall flow of events much. They are mostly just changing little things that bug me into things I like better.

When Danny is talking about his situation in the first episode, Sam doesn't spontaneously switch to complaining about her parents mid-sentence. She stays on the topic of Danny's very serious and potentially existential problem, but her advice on the matter is still influenced by her relationship with her own parents.

Sam is still going through her "not like other girls" phase, but is not correct about other girls. Paulina is a whole human being with her own internal life. Girls with more traditionally feminine interests are not vapid caricatures. This primarily manifests by changing or getting rid of some bits of dialog/actions driven entirely by stereotypes.

In the episode with the dance and the dragon amulet, Paulina didn't say yes to Danny because she wanted to steal Sam's boyfriend as petty revenge for an insult. Sam calling her shallow in a creative and scathing way in front of everyone made her feel self-conscious. She felt the need to prove that she wasn't shallow; she could give the weird kid a chance.

Tucker's reason for wishing for ghost powers is not just envy. Sure that's part of it; superpowers are cool. That's not all, however. Tucker and Danny have been been friends for years. They shared everything and presumably faced everything together. Now Danny is fighting battles that Tucker can't fight alongside him. Sure, Tucker is there and helps however he can, but Danny is the only super-powered heavy hitter on the team. When he's out there grappling with some kind of nightmare monster, Tucker is on the sidelines watching him take hits and hating it. His best friend is suffering, and he's not in the trenches with him.

In the episode where Desiree makes it so that Sam never met Danny and Tucker (and Danny never became a halfa), Sam doesn't immediately set about trying to re-ghostify Danny or change his ghost form purely for her own preference. Both of these things kind of creep me out because they involve imposing on another person in a way that feels like it should merit at least some hesitation.

Upon realizing what has happened, Sam initially decides to try and deal with the ghosts herself. She needs ghost-hunting tech, and the only place to get that is the Fentons. She tries to be sneaky, but Danny notices and realizes something is up. Unfortunately, a lot of Fenton tech is less effective without Danny fixing it, and Sam is working with human limitations like the inability to fly or pass through solid objects, and even if she caught Desiree, there wouldn't be a working portal to send her through. It's not working.

Ultimately, she decides to recreate the accident, this time with her instead of Danny. Danny and Tucker catch her in the lab and confront her (because they were suspicious of this weird girl who started sneaking into Danny's house right when all this other weird stuff started happening, and they want to know what's going on). Sam is incredibly stressed after trying to deal with all this alone while simultaneously losing her two closest friends and ends up spilling everything.

Danny decides to become half-ghost again. Not because Sam dressed up in pink and wore different makeup up for him. Not because he wanted the pretty girl to like him. This person cared enough about him and his best friend that she was willing to let them go for their own sakes, even if it meant she was going to miss them. She tried so hard to protect everyone alone. She was willing to die in his place. He didn't want to let her. He also didn't want to stand on the sidelines knowing there was something he could have done, that he could have protected everyone and chose not to.

Tucker and Sam both argue against it.

Sam says something to the effect of "You're not dying because of me again!" Turns out, she's been harboring some guilt over the accident. Danny says that it's not because of her and he's making his own choice.

Tucker doesn't want his best friend to get hurt in a way that will permanently change him. If he can't talk him out of it, he at least doesn't want him doing it alone. Danny points out that they only really know that Danny can survive this. It's entirely possible that growing up exposed to ectoplasm makes a difference. The risk would be higher for Tucker and Sam.

They all argue a lot more, before settling on a course of action.

The DP symbol was something Sam had previously designed at Danny's request. He hoped that something that would make him look more like a superhero would help him be viewed a little more positively. However, they hadn't been able to figure out how to add it to his ghost form. Once she realizes she's not going to be able to change his mind, she offers to add it to his suit before he goes in. She still has the vinyl decals in her backpack. One of them mistakenly made with black material instead of white.

Rather than wishing everything back to normal during the fight, Sam simply wishes for her friends to remember her.

[spikeinthepunch]

thinking real hard about that new content in Painful bc i really love it-- while Painful did work well without more blatant explanations on Marty, Lisa, or Brad's past, it also meant there was some stuff I just never learned if i didnt play First at least (and my second play through of Painful brought even MORE clarity to me), and well honestly I just enjoy the deeper explorations of these characters. I already rambled about this content in a 2am post messily but now I am thinking hard about the cycle of abuse- specific to Brad and the general theme of new content in general being about how deeply rooted abuse is, improvement of yourself, letting go of guilt & anger and the importance of love.

in order to better break down the new content and how it adds things to the story i transcribed the new content-- queen's campfire dialog, mad dog's campfire dialog, and two large pieces of dialog from the nightmare scene. parallels! parallels everywhere! I uploaded it as a text file if you want to read it all yourself :)

also this means this post will be long as fuck. there are so many cool things to connect here.

This new content in Painful does a lot to express the years of shit Brad went through that further fed his issues. And while most of this ends up focusing on Marty (which I do thinks its important to not just throw Lisa on screen, her purpose is still as being 'off screen' for effect) it greatly helps Brad's character and the flashback to Lisa and him playing together or their convo before Brad runs away- fantastic addition alongside Buddy's later instance of putting makeup on Brad (made me extra sad)- and it 'humanizes' Lisa more. She existed- she was a sister with a brother and they hung out and had fun and they talked. etc. They existed in the same house and they endured horrible things.

I feel like this new content kind of hammered in the family like... the affect of abusive families. And what Brad has been missing from a normal upbringing, what he's lost after all this time because of abuse, and what he is desperately trying to get out of Buddy. At the end of the fight with flesh-mound Marty (we will be talking about this A LOT), this part especially feels like it reflects Brad's inability to not see Buddy as the redemption he needs, what he feels is the only thing to save him:

But if you stop. …if you do this. It's over. Dead. You know what happens. We can't let her out. She… She's gonna hurt us so bad.

Which also, I think parallels to Lisa too-- honestly. so much of what alludes to Lisa works well for Buddy and vise versa, for obvious reasons.

But the nightmare really just... you really get the feeling for how fucking exhausting it is. Brad is so tired and he's trying so hard. But the thought that says he will be like his father feels deep rooted- its his blood, Marty lives inside him, he can't fight it hard enough.

this next section of the flesh-mound boss fight ending has a clear conflict in his own thoughts. He recognizes it's all so tiring and it needs to be let go. But then it turns into anger at himself. And more likely recalling the tough words of wisdom his father gave him (or his grandpa too)

I know you're tired. All this anger. These memories. So many scars. So many mistakes. It all stings… So let it all go. You don't deserve it. The guilt is gonna kill you. Why can't you just let go? Be a man. When they hand you their heart. You don't bare yours. You eat it. Consume everything. Puke it up. Then eat it again. Eat like a dog. You know it only takes one taste. You know better than me. It's so fucking easy. And if you never stop… It feels so good.

Fun fact! The "When they hand you their heart. You don't bare yours. You eat it. Consume everything." gets referenced slightly in the new Joyful content, where Brad's friends are trying to recall some words of wisdom which they only recall as "Sometimes you need to just... Eat your heart out. Or something." Which implies Brad likely told them this line to some extent.

Oof. Probably my favorite excerpt from the boss dialog. Consume Everything. Puke it up, eat it again.... You know it only takes one taste. You know better than me... Marty's own behavior comes out here as he encouraged Brad similarly in other scenes. He's the one that's is in fact forcing Brad to get a "taste" of this. (Look back at the 'father' epilogue in Joyful). But he also makes Brad think that this is always all on him- by giving him the responsibility of "this is how men should be", it takes blame off of Marty and puts it on Brad for not "being a man" and thus, repeating these behaviors in a way that is often told to him as justified and as the right way to act.

He is constantly guilted and programed to this behavior in an extreme way by Marty taunting him, belittling and validating his own abusive behavior.

Let me cut over to Mad Dog's campfire scene. Yep! I promise its related (to me).

[cut to here. He is referring to what (seems to be) something his father said.] When I'm ready to die. We fight. You have to beat me. Then you will eat me. A dog in a dog in a dog in a dog. Hellacious. Miserable cycle. Never stop. Make. Us. More. Madness is a small cost. For power greater than love. […] Strength is our family. [Scene pans down the cliffs showing more and more skulls of humans and dogs hiden under ground. the next text appears on screen]: I love you… But I really have to go. [At the bottom of the cliffs, a spider much like the Marty-spiders appears, but with Brad's face instead.]

While this is something Mad Dog is saying as if its something his own father said to him, it seems pretty clear you can see the parallel to Brad. Honestly its way too accurate to ignore lol. the first line is strangely similar to things Marty says in the nightmare fight, and the "Dog in a dog" clearly feels very similar to the "eat like a dog" in that earlier quote i gave. Whats even more weird is the scene is pans through.

(Again not taking away from Mad Dog's own story, just explaining the parallel). The skulls that become more and more in the dirt feel like a metaphor for all the years of abuse, and the cycle of it. Now the Brad-spider? That surprised me.

Taking-

I love you… But I really have to go.

Feels like something related to Buddy. And I think this as well because of the spider at the end. Marty-spiders always felt like they were supposed to show how his effect is always there and you might now know where. His abuse still exists even in the smallest form. For a Brad one to be shown like that- I would read into it as how Brad is still going after Buddy, while his behavior is in fact abusive.

The hardest of it all is the imagery and the use of plural dialog too is that we really get to see how Brad feels like Marty is and always will be a part of him and that's what makes it so hard to change. And considering the above I mentioned, it makes sense.

We can't handle that, Brad. It's too painful. I'm not ready. We'll never be ready! Don't fight blood! Please! I'm fucking scared!

The desperation towards the end fits the idea of letting go of Lisa in the regard that the grief for her is also ruining Brad alongside his need to have Buddy as a way to atone for his behavior towards Dustin in the past, and try to not be like his father. And getting rid of that source is terrifying because it means a lot of scary things to him. The "us" and "we" keeps forcing that feeling that Marty is part of him, and that it really wants Brad to keep holding on because thats who he is. It is what he has been for so so long and he is terrified of letting go of grief because its what remains of Lisa in his head. And that letting go of Buddy would mean he is losing that opportunity to be the father he needs to be in order to prove he isnt like his father. These two reasons to not let go aren't good! They are not ways he should be living and he HAS to let that go.

But hey, thats not all. Let's get through the sad as fuck analysis okay? It'll get better.

As you descend a long rope as child!Brad you start to read a poem of sorts that I can only assume comes from Lisa. This excerpt also pops up in Joyful...

No friends. No brothers. No fathers. No mothers. Just me.

This gets repeated three times. Its weird but it always made me feel uneasy, and I think that is because it kind of focuses on how Lisa ends up being the core. When you apply this to Brad alone, it connects in the way that Lisa is the center of his grief and how that cancels out so much else in his life. Though i want to point out real quick-- it applies to Buddy in an interesting way that fufills their comparisons with the statues you destroy in Joyful. Very cool. And for Lisa it applies very blatantly. (No friends (Berny), No brothers (Brad), No fathers (Marty), No mothers (her own absent mom))

there is a LOT to this poem and you should look at that text post I linked to read it all. So I am just bringing up a one other part.

Deep below. A dark endless sea. A pain slumbers. One we'll never flee. Give me the strength. Let your memories set us free. So that when next we meet. I may grow into a mighty tree. [...] I know this wasn't easy. Thank you. …And Bradley, Good luck.

Oh yes, a step back to the boss dialog here, it's relevant:

I know you're tired. All this anger. These memories. So many scars. So many mistakes. It all stings… So let it all go. You don't deserve it.

This perfectly reflect points I have made up to this point regarding the way Brad holds onto his grief and even the earliest lines of the boss is trying to show him that. It's interesting that as the very start he's being so forgiving to himself then is devolves into more anger-- but here, once Brad has regressed, Lisa is the one to remind him this. I think its important to recognize how Its not about getting rid of Lisa's memory at all and this poem being spoken from Lisa (assumed) fits that. It isn't easy to recognize or to do this, it takes a whole different kind of strength.

In that text file i transcribed the end conversation between Brad & Lise where Brad says he is going to run away, but I won't be referencing it here... Do read it/watch it though.

If you read this far, good job! Just one more depressing thing though! The actual last thing said in the nightmare is great actually- for story telling. Because of course if this whole dream was trying to show that Brad has let go... well, it would kind of mess up the ending still carrying out with Brad still seeming unchanged.

Bradley, my boy. It's just not that easy. You can't save her. You can't even save yourself. After all… I'm in your veins..

Yes, thats it- thats the last part in the dream, where Brad sees a small flesh-mound Marty in blood. It doesn't ruin the fact Brad had this long ass dream. Its a great look into his mind. And how it entirely loops back. He really just... he really is stuck. You can see how damn hard he tries. But this theme of it being "in your blood" is SO fucking strong and it hurts. Because I think we all know, its not true. You are not fated to become the abuser. But god you can see how hard it truly is to fight what has been beaten into you for so long.

Right.

So looking at the parts where forgiveness are present... This pops up a bit in the new content- from this, too another campfire scene. I think the forgiveness and love sprinkled in is important to notice. A lot of people in Olathe in general are alone and without family. Brad has already been... alone, however. His family situation left him without affection, and an upbringing that left no proper parent to attach to meant he'd already not receive the affection he needed in order to give that to others properly. He had no one, and when he did finally have someone- Dustin- he still never received the love he didn't know he needed because of what was taught to him. And he did it again to Buddy.

This is obvious when you get to the end of the game. When Brad wants buddy to hold him.

And, Queen's dialog with Brad pulls a lot more of that conversation to the surface.

Being held by someone you love is the best feeling in the entire universe. […] These men out here. All this strength. This power. Your respect… you can't take it with you when you die. It wont save you. It doesn't matter how powerful you are. No ideas matter. No experience matters. None of that shit that's consumed you your whole life matters. You're completely naked in the face of death. Its terrifying. Now, a good hug. That matters. Honestly, it ain't gonna change much… dead is dead. But the way i see it. You can die afraid. Lost in your own mind. Haunted by the guilt of all your mistakes. Tormenting nightmares wondering what comes next. Or… you can be in the moment with someone you love. Someone that makes you feel like nothing else matters. Nothing could be more important than feeling each other's warmth and love. No thinking. Just feeling.

Brad's earlier chat included him bringing up how he didnt let Dustin or Buddy get physical affectionate too- theres some earlier chitchat that you may want to see in a video. But honestly the realization of how little affection Brad has received, due to Marty's influence, makes things even more depressing when you see how hard it is to let go.

Everything, everything is tied together. He can't let go. So he cant end the abuse. So he fails to ever change. So he never receives the love he truly wants and needs. By the end of the game, when you have that option to hold him, that new dialog hits even worse. And I don't think it is even to try and sway people into hugging Brad. if anything it kind of just opened up to me why Buddy shouldnt need to hold him. And how it is honestly something so much deeper. His struggle has infected everything he wants in life that he just keeps failing to have.

It depresses him, it discourages him. I can't even find more words to explain how heavy the weight is on someone like Brad after years and years of horrible abuse and never getting the help he so much needed.

[heretherebedork]

Why Can is Autistic, the full rewatch turned into a vaguely organized powerpoint. Please enjoy! 

All of the text is also going RIGHT below this, for those who would prefer Walls Of Text

In which I will be rewatching the entire series in one day and putting together all the reasons I headcanon him as autistic, how it affects his relationships, and why I consider it to be one of the most important aspects of his romance with Tin. I just really wanted to try to do a deeper dive on this, okay? Because I find it fascinating and fantastic. Do I think it was deliberate on the part of the writers? Nope. Not in the slightest. I think they genuinely were just writing a 'stupid' character. Did the somehow turn into a fantastic autistic character? Yes. I am as shocked as you! Also, yes, I can easily watch a 13 episode show in one day. Heck, I'll probably watch this AND something else today. Hyperfixations, wheeee.

Autism/ADHD Symptoms and Can

RSD: the reaction to the soccer game, his focus on being 'stupid' and 'ugly' Perserveration: repeats the same statement, especially about emotions. No sense of time: constantly running late Struggles with emotions: especially of others, doesn't 'read the room', often asks for things to be spelled out for him Stimming: Messing his own hair up, shakes his whole body regularly, makes sounds that don't always connect to what he's doing/saying Expresses his emotions with his whole body: often moves or shifts or stands/sits when feeling strongly

Lacks a sense of social norms: Admitting he forgets to shower/brush his teeth, rubbing himself all over Tin and his car Externalizes his internal dialog: always speaks his thoughts and doesn't know when it's appropriate/inappropriate Lacks a sense of personal space Easily frustrated and frustrated that he gets gets easily frustrated Lack of executive function: rarely remembers to eat, regularly forgets important dates/times Black/white thinking: filial piety, love causes pain The worst liar ever, no literally

Struggles to label his own emotions: often admits he doesn't know what he's feeling or doesn't know why he's feeling that way This actually drives a lot of his character and his relationship, especially in later parts. Literal thinker: takes everything at face value and assumes that people are telling the truth, also very direct and straightforward Sensory: hates sunscreen in the last episode and has mixed reactions to being touched Also, the way he squeezes his own arms reminds me of deep pressure that we literally use to help kids with sensory issues Often doesn't recognize his bodily needs until they're at extremes Responds to strong emotions through obsessive actions: practicing for soccer when he's upset about Tin

I Don't Understand/Know

Can uses this phrase all the time. He uses it with feelings, situations, when he's struggling and sometimes just because. It's so important. Please let more characters just not know. This is also huge in his autism/ADHD. It's such a common feeling. He expresses it so openly and so beautifully. It's why many people consider him stupid. They're all wrong. Screw them.

Can and his friends

This is the biggest change from LBC because we lost Good, his closest friend. And that changes all his dynamics with his other friends as well as changing the nature of his friendships. In LBC2, most of his friends are jerks. They make fun of him, ignore him, call him stupid and ugly and generally don't show a lot of caring. PSA: Job is the worst. Honestly, his lack of friends really shows in this version. Most scenes with them involve them mocking him, ignoring him or rejecting him. This does not apply to Ae. Ae is good. He does his best. “Him not understanding it, doesn't mean he doesn't feel it.”

Can and Tin's Love and Autism

I truly think that their relationship would never have progressed if Can hadn't been autistic. They start talking because of Can's clumsiness and inability to let go on an issue. Can's difficulties with emotions forces Tin to be more upfront about his own as well as be more observant about Can's emotions. Can doesn't care about most social norms, doesn't have any real understanding about social class and status and all of that makes it easier for Tin and his relationship in the end. Can's constant honesty and trust is a game changer for Tin in terms of relationships both within his family and with others.

In Conclusion

Can is a surprisingly good and accurate case of an adult autistic character. I still don't think they did all of this on purpose. All credit goes to the actor (Plan) for his fantastic portrayal and interpretation.

[djemsostylist]

What's a reset without starting over?

I've seen a lot of people saying that since last season was such a mess (agreed), we need a hard reset. Eda and Serkan were not in a good place in their relationship (agreed), they weren't communicating (agreed) and they were repeating old mistakes (agreed). So doing this breakup and 5 years separation is necessary so that we can bring them back to the start, and have them rebuild their relationship. HARD disagree.

The fundamental belief that a couple must be apart and have a time jump in order to work is hardly new, but it's one I disagree with. Especially in the case of Eda and Serkan. A huge part of their relationship was their inability to be apart. Broken up, in love, didn't matter. Their need to be near each other always was a fundamental part of who they were. How many times have we seen them unable to part, for their bodies to react physically? How many times have they both expressed that they can't breathe without the other? I'm not saying their relationship didn't need work--it did. There was mistrust and hurt and loss and pain. Eda has endured a lot, but Serkan has had his own hurts. They both have made mistakes in their relationship, they both have growing to do.

So how do you go back to the start WITHOUT a breakup? You have them go to counseling. Hear me out. In Her Yerde Sen, Demir and Selin see a relationship counselor, it manages to be cute, heartwarming, and also really wholesome at the same time. They are given all these cute little homework things they have to do, they are forced to talk and have real dialog, and both of them have to face and deal with their issues.

Imagine doing that with SCK. They've already explored the concept of counselors before with Aydan, so something like this wouldn't be a stretch. Imagine Eda and Serkan talking to a counselor, and they are told to start over. Their relationship has always moved fast. So now they have to date. Get to know each other again. They have to share their feelings, talk about the things they've been through, understand each other's hurt and pain. That gives us the angst, the pain, the healing we needed. It gives us and them a chance to excise the demons of the past, and rebuild trust and understanding for the future.

With dating, they have to actually date. Go out to lunch and dinner. Go dancing and take a pottery class. That gives us the cuteness--Edser dating and getting to know each other and being precious--all the things we never got in their whirlwind romance. It brings back what we kind of had with the wishes and the wishlist--funny, silly things that they do together with an ultimate goal of building a strong relationship. This gives us the comedy we have been sorely missing, but in a way that makes sense and allows them to still work through the hard stuff--it's not an either or.

As for chemistry, add in a sex ban. Lets be honest, Edser tends to use it as a bandaid instead of talking through their issues (take both episodes 13 and 26). Imagine them being told they have to refrain--and you get back the tension and fire of the early episodes. Can you imagine they are told they can't have sex for at least like, a month? Or until they talk through their issues? Can you imagine the teasing and the looks and the absolute fire? Cute and funny and sexy--this brings that back without a breakup and anger to ramp up the tension until they snap.

Then they work on their balance. Eda is told she has to go back to school, Serkan has to go back to work, and they are not allowed to drop everything for each other. But they also have to prioritize each other. It means they need to learn balance. Eda can't postpone her projects or her studies for Serkan, Serkan can't just drop everything and turn off his phone to be with Eda. They have to do both--make uninterrupted time for each other, but also for their goals. They have to figure out a balance--maybe it means date nights where Eda studies and Serkan works and they order in takeout to his apartment. Maybe it means taking a break for a picnic lunch in the park with Sirius. But they have to figure it out, together. This gives us Eda and Serkan as whole people, learning how to be together without the edge of desperation that drove them to put everything aside for the chance to just be together. They are forced to take time to breathe.

This story gives us a reset--Eda and Serkan bonding and learning each other, which is a nice refresh for a new season and the potential for new viewers, and also gives us a way to work through the very real issues they have and the things they have gone through. And the most important thing is that it allows them to be together, which is what this couple has ALWAYS been about. Figuring out a way two people who are so very different but love each other anyway can find a way to be stronger together than they ever could alone.

[ober-affen-geil]

This is gonna seem like an odd position for me to take for a hot second, because I’m not shy about the fact that Malex is one of my OTPs for this show. Bear with me.

Because what I want to talk about here is how very not good for each other Michael and Alex are. Or were. But I also want to talk about the progress we’re seeing from both of them on that front so stick around, it ain’t all bad.

CW for mention of child abuse, trauma response, and classism. And I will be discussing dialog from various season 2 episodes, so spoiler alert. 

I want to start off with this: I am in no way trying to say that Michael and Alex don’t love each other, or that they don’t deserve to be happy and together, or that one of them has been treating the other badly out of malice. What I’m trying to say is that they both have issues that need to be resolved before they ever come close to a romantic relationship again because what they had before was not healthy.

Let’s start with Michael because his issue is a little simpler. 

The crux of Michael’s problem lies in his own self-worth. AKA, he doesn’t have any. We know, of course, that this springs from his abandonment issues and his abuse in the foster system as a child, but what it’s lead to in his adult life and his relationship with Alex is an inability to say “no”. Which is a Big Problem.

Michael doesn’t think he’s loveable. Fundamentally and foundationally, he does not believe that someone would love him as he is. Which means with Alex, from his point of view, he’s taking what he can get when he can get it. Because Alex doesn’t love him. Alex thinks he’s a waste. Alex doesn’t want people to know they’re involved. (FROM MICHAEL’S PERSPECTIVE.) And for ten years, Michael found those to be acceptable terms. (In case anyone was wondering, that’s hella fucked up. Not romantic.)

What we see in 2x01 is Michael finally, finally, standing up for himself. 

“I don’t think we’re good for each other, Alex. And I want to be good for somebody, so no! I’m saying ‘no’.”

He stands firm in 2x02 (I like Maria), and the fact that he brings up his romantic relationship with another person when Alex was merely offering to work with him tells us exactly how hard this is for him. He loves Alex and “probably always will” and the only way Michael has ever known how to love is through self sacrifice. Because he thought that was the only thing he had to give. (”To make up for it. For the fact that it’s me.” seems an appropriate quote to drop here.)

Saying “no” is the first step towards a healthy relationship, of any kind, with Alex. And shout out to @worstoftimesbestofcrimes for dropping this on me in a chat: “By saying no to Alex it becomes a choice he can make. And when it becomes a choice then it becomes something he can say yes to.“ The point being that Michael now has that choice. He’s recognizing he has a say in the matter and that’s so important.

Now for Alex, and this is where it gets tricky.

Because Alex also believes he’s fundamentally unloveable, which is also a result of his abuse, but that’s not where the crux of the problem is with Alex. The problem from Alex’s side is that he swallowed Michael’s bullshit hook, line, and sinker.

To be fair, the only person who never actually bought what Michael was selling was Max, and that’s partially because Max had almost all the backstory necessary to understand his actions, but I’m not blaming Alex for not having the full story. I’m simply saying his perception of Michael was warped.

We see in the pilot, “You’re wasting your life, Guerin”. And in 2x03, “Is ‘The Library’ a new dive bar or something?” Michael feeds it, by the way. Again back to the pilot when he taunts Alex with what he’s been doing in his trailer. (Casual sex, weed, covert plans to overthrow the government.) Alex thinks that Michael is a typical barfly who peaked in highschool and hasn’t made any effort to better himself since.

By Alex’s own admission, he and Michael never knew each other well. And the time they did have to get to know each other as teens was colored by that being the summer Michael’s life got turned upside down. Which Alex did not, and could not, know about. So while Alex does know a part of Michael that most other people don’t, he ultimately sees what he’s been lead to see when it comes to Michael.

And yes, @jumbled-nonsense, some of this comes down to classism. The Manes family is apparently pretty well off, given that Jesse was financing Project Shepherd with family money and Alex has a house (in this economy!) with a pretty sweet music set up as a 28 year old. Michael is...not. Alex falls into the stereotype trap a little, and he sees what he wants to see and doesn’t look any further.

But some of it does come down to Alex’s own issues stemming from his abuse. As Maria points out in 2x05 it’s reasonable that Alex found it, and may still find it, uncomfortable to be around Michael who deals with his anger issues by getting into fights. The problem is, Alex loves Michael and he can’t seem to stop, so he may have found it easier to walk away again and again (like he’s supposed to, like he should have done on day one) if he buries his head in the sand. 

For Alex, it’s easier to accept that fact that Michael doesn’t love him back if Michael’s the type of person that Alex isn’t supposed to love in the first place.

But in 2x04 we see Alex finally acknowledging that he’s been wrong. 

“First I find out Michael Guerin hangs out in libraries, and now you’ve made friends with a Long. I can’t put you in a box.”

Alex has realized a lot of what he believed about Michael outside of the bedroom was a misconception. It helps, now, that he has the full story and can understand more about how and why Michael made the choices he did ten years ago. But the point is he’s taken a step back and is reevaluating everything he thought he knew about Michael Guerin. And that’s a good thing.

What I’m saying is, we’ve seen really healthy progress from both Michael and Alex in relation to each other. And I mean that as people, not necessarily in a romantic sense. Would I be over the fucking moon if this lead to them getting back together in the future? Hell yes. But what’s actually important overall is that both of them have shown personal growth, because neither one of them was in a healthy place to start with. And no matter what happens with these characters, I’m glad they got the chance to change.

[beloved-judged]

The inexpressible

This is going to be a bit... fragmented.

I should say, up front, that one of my degrees is an MFA--poetry and creative non-fiction. I have a license to poet, to be abstract and playful with language, and training in recognizing the internal structure of meaning as it is presented in language use.

I also took an absolute ass load of rhetoric courses, eventually taking Greek coursework (in addition to the mandatory Latin) in order to read the texts left us by various rhetors and their historians side-by-side with their translations.

I do language. It’s a different brain than I use on the daily in programming (and in fact, they’re oppositional for some subsets of use), but I’ve proved to the satisfaction of an academic committee that I can language just fine, even convincingly.

A confluence of events today: my papa releasing a blizzard of podcasts in the last two days, re-reading Snow Crash, and a bunch of random events have lead me to spend the last few days contemplating language.

It’s going to be here because it applies to the things my papa has been talking about.

When you choose to speak, take for granted you have already lost a lot of meaning--to render a situation into language is to make decisions about what it is, how it is, and how others may understand it, all of which are bound to your individual understanding (as well as whatever social rules, ideas, etc you have absorbed, because we’re not islands.) To make those decisions is to decide what is important and relevant, what others may understand, and what you want others to understand.

And to make those decisions is to decide not just what’s included, but what is omitted. This starts the second words come into play and before it, in the language we are inculcated with.

The latest podcast my papa released is a parable about one of the founding fathers of Sufism, which I will spoil and say the moral of the story is that the presence of someone who has achieved enlightenment is just as important as any attention they might give you (and in some cases, to not give attention at all, so as not to feed the ego.)

The presence, without language--to exist within eyesight and hearing, without direct interaction.

In Snow Crash, the author plays with an old, old dichotomy: religions of the book (that is, legalistic religions which base their principles on a written text which is required to take a form which does not permit as much individual interpretation) versus cultic religions, in which enlightenment is achieved through individual experience and is not subject to being ruled or shaped by the contents of a text.

Christianity is, at best, a mixed bag by that criteria, but tends toward a religion of the book rather than a cultic religion--as it is practiced in many places, it has elements of personal enlightenment, but is checked (at least in theory) against the text of the Bible, which is considered the authority on what it is and means to be a Christian. Again, in theory. This may not be true of individual Christian groups, churches, or Christians and it does not matter if it is true. Christianity bases itself on the Bible as a general rule.

A religion of a central text, against which all things are (supposed to be) checked.

One of the most haunting reads in my rhetorical studies was The Phadreus--a dialog on the nature of rhetoric (the art of persuasion). In the book, which is arranged as a long dialog, Socrates is talking to Phadreus about the nature of language, persuasion, and what makes a good versus a bad rhetor. There is a whole section where he talks about the relationship between writing and speech in rhetoric, remarking that he does not trust writing to do what it is supposed to do (to serve as an aid to memory, to make the idea immortal). He remarks that to read and write a thing is inadequate to produce experts, and that expertise requires something more in terms of experience and inspiration.

Or to put it a slightly different way: you might be able to write down instructions on how to do a complex thing, but the instructions by themselves are not going to make someone capable of performing the task well.

And, as he remarked, all too often when we commit something to writing, we promptly cease to make the effort to remember it--remembering becomes a problem of the medium we write in.

We wrote it down, now it’s the paper’s job to remember it.

This can, as he points out in The Phadreus and elsewhere in the texts produced by Plato during that period, lead to the state where people can take their speech--that is, the things produced from their mouth--and treat it as if it does not belong to them, as if, because they are quoting, they no longer ‘own’ the words they speak, and thus are not bound to the consequence of them.

You can see an awful lot of this in white, academic, and main cultures: if I’m quoting someone else, it’s not my fault. If I am sufficiently careful to quote, I can get away with saying all kinds of things and have a reasonable expectation that I won’t be held accountable for it.

In primarily oral cultures, as a quick side note and by contrast, what you say (the promises you make) is a profound reflection of you as a person, and you will be held accountable for it. Everything that comes out of your mouth, you own, and there is no shield of ‘just quoting’ or ‘just saying’ to save you from suffering the consequences of your speech.

Magic, where it concerns speech, often appears to me to inherit from that understanding of the word. That which issues out of your mouth is a spike, affixing you to consequence, that you cannot wriggle out of.

Trusting in the written word also, as Socrates points out, tends to lead to the state where the writer thinks they have been clear, and the reader thinks they have understood, but neither are right: the written word does not lend itself to clarity, but to deceptive equivocation. The appearance of clarity, but only if both parties do not think deeply or ask much of the interaction, and part of the inability of the book to produce experts has to do with the absence of expertise and inspiration to enforce clarity.

I find that is much on my mind--where we find clarity. I have about twenty years of training in academia, in finding clarity in books. I would be hard-pressed to count how many books I’ve read, even by genre. It is where my mind is ... comfortable. A confluence of training and natural inclinations.

The experts with whom I might study to understand rhetoric, say, are dead and dust in the ground, in some cases for thousands of years. They cannot be present with me, and while there are plenty of modern scholars with whom I might study, I am unlikely to ever have the chance to do so.

There is something tied to presence, something which governs learning. In Snow Crash, which is very much propaganda for literate societies, the idea that there is a pre-verbal experience of understanding or something that defies the ability to be verbalized within literature structures, is a virus analogous to herpes: something that represents an invader of the ordered, literate body, which subverts it and irreparably harms the health of the body and the mind.

Without the book to govern thought, all is madness, and those who are trained in specific kinds of literacy (in the case of Snow Crash, technical literacy) are susceptible to a madness which burns out their ability to think and their identity, their ability to appear rational to the literate society around them. They become as individualized as an insect, which is to say that they have no individual identity.

That is where I am going--to that non-verbal place. It’s a thought that fills me with anxiety, but also with relief. I cannot touch rationality but to notice irrationality in it, the vital absences which compose the underpinning of rationality, both in language and in concept.

Language is a slippery bastard.

Vodou is a cult, by the definition of the majority religion (Christianity), and by definition in general, in that it has no centralized authority (no pope), no central dogma (a Bible, say), and relies on individual experience with the divine (in possession, inspiration, or through witnessing a possession.) It is also a community-driven religion: mutual support, mutual aid, mutual living. It has authority figures (the priests), but the authority structure is very localized. A priest is the priest for his or her temple, not for every vodouizant everywhere. Authority is recognized, but not universal.

Atop that, it is also very much an oral culture: you are absolutely responsible for your words.

In my experiences with possession so far, both partial (someone else was using my body and I could witness but not interfere) and complete (black out), it has been a place where all my literacy, all my rationality (and I used to teach logic), all the things I would call my identity, were pointless. Either gently but firmly pushed aside, or gone altogether with the rest of me. And I have never, in my experience of being partially possessed, spoken.

Moved? Sure. Expressed something? Yes. Performed feats? Yep.

Fully possessed, however, I’m told my body has done a lot of speaking.

But the literate qualities of myself, the parts writing this entry, were either absent or entirely beside the point. It is not an easy thing to flirt with the destruction of these parts of myself. It’s deeply, deeply discomforting to recognize that where I am going, I am not. Where I am going, all that I am now will be beside the point.

Existential panic, I think, is about right.

What am I, without language? What remains in those spaces?

I cannot enjoy the wine of oblivion without reaping it--I cannot enter the waters of the void in meditation and not expect to have to perform the work necessary to come back and swim it.

What words, what shapes, what law is written on me in such places?

I hope the lwa will forgive me for being afraid.

The more I see of what I will be losing, the more... frightening the cost becomes. The fear of becoming a babbling adept, the fear of losing my ability to appear rational in rational society, the loss of those years building expertise.

The loss of myself, those endlessly reflecting mirrors of structure so painstakingly cultivated, and I know my papa would say “no, not yourself. What you think you are” but it is not entirely comforting.

And if I lose this, this speaking self writing these words...

And if I lose...

I struggle at this price. Does it seem dramatic? Only because this is the bastion I have spent my life defending against the attacks of family, colleagues, and a world determined to tell me that women cannot be rational.

I have been beaten for knowledge. Repeatedly. For daring to ask questions. I have been forcibly excised from academia, because I could not find enough support to defend myself against harassment. I have given up relationships and exposed myself to constant, crippling criticism and the many cruelties of people who found my presence intolerable. I have given up meals, a bed under my head, clothes, love, children, and the acquisition of wealth to know. There has been no easy path to knowledge for me, no family poised to encourage and protect, no social matrix to provide support.

This is the next price I will have to pay. Just a pound of flesh from nearest my heart.

What will be left of me, this babbling self ironic in the drive to cage in language what ultimately dissolves it?

I do not know if I can pay it. I can only... make myself try because I will keep my word.

And because anything else will never be enough.

My love, my love, the crown of my soul, papa, patron, master--you scare me.

[somerton]

The American Trilogy

People have said that Stanley Kubrick’s final 7 films are more like 1 film about humanity spanning different genres. It’s undeniable that there are specific parallels and connections between his films, but the way his films connect to each other on a basic level is quite interesting and not very difficult to see.

Dr. Strangelove ends with nuclear bombs destroying the world cut to the black void of 2001; The Dawn of Man. The end of the world caused by man’s violent nature transitioned into the beginning of man’s violent nature with Moonwatcher discovering the bone as a weapon.

2001 ends with the Starchild looking directly at the camera; at us, while A Clockwork Orange opens with a closeup on Alex’s eye. A transcended soul cut to a devilish man. The eye was a very potent symbol within 2001, representing the vast exploration possible inside oneself. The eye continues to be important in Clockwork, especially with Alex’s stigmata eyeball cuff links, strengthening the comparison to the godlike Starchild and Jesus Christ dying on the cross as a man, transcending to a God. Alex does not transcend, he lives on to do the deeds of evil men.

A Clockwork Orange, set in a near future or alternate reality, ends with an offer for Alex to move his way up the societal ladder by aligning himself with the same corrupt politicians who used the Ludavico technique on him in the first place, then a daydream with Alex surrounded by what look to be noble men and women of a past era observing him in a sexual act with a woman. The next film, Barry Lyndon is a period piece that explores the issues of class in 18th century Europe and trying to better oneself by moving up in the classist system. Clockwork is a story about where society is now (or was then), while Barry Lyndon explores where society was within the period piece genre. Interestingly enough not much has changed. Both world’s are violent, full of wealthy people using lower class people to further their own agendas, the people at the bottom forced to scratch their way to the top of a corrupt system, often using nefarious techniques to get ahead.

Kubrick is trying to communicate the way society / humans are and have always been while connecting the films with transitional elements that bring this idea into the viewer’s subconscious.

I believe those films, are also connected to the final three in Kubrick’s portrayal humanity and the way he sought to hold a mirror up to us via the cinema screen. However, The Shining, Full Metal Jacket, and Eyes Wide Shut seem to have a deeper connection to each other than the previous films. Yes, they too are an exploration of genre, using the conventions of it to subvert more complex themes, but I feel Kubrick started to develop ideas on how to thematically connect these films on an even deeper level throughout the 20 year period spent completing these three.

I suggest that the final three films act as a trilogy, exploring the genocide America was built on and the ideals of which continue to permeate through our society. These films are his ode to America’s dark secret hidden in plain sight. Not since Dr. Strangelove had he made a movie even based in America. These final 3 are inherently American films. While Strangelove was an overt criticism of authoritarian power, the final trilogy shrouds itself in a ghost story, a war epic, and a sexual thriller in order to issue Kubrick’s vicious critique.

Just to caveat, I don’t think the final trilogy are ONLY critiquing America but I do think this is crucial in all three films, more so than his others excluding Strangelove. 2001, Clockwork, and Barry Lyndon are more overtly commenting on humanity and culture in general.  

Let’s get into how the final 3 specifically do this. I’m going to breeze by a lot of basic info that any Kubrick obsessive should already know.

The Shining references Native Americans constantly, the hotel is built on an “Indian burial ground” and had to repel Native American attacks while building the Overlook. There’s a ton of info on this out there already so I don’t feel it necessary to explain all the evidence to support this, but it’s overtly injected into the film, barely under the surface. There’s also a ton of material to support the idea that the hotel itself represents America and it’s constant ability to “Overlook” the horrors that our society is built on. Stuart Ullman, the Hotel Manager has an American flag on his desk, echoing his jacket and tie with an American eagle statue poking out form behind his head (Symbols related to characters’ heads are important in Kubrick’s work). In a film where mirrors are also important his initials backwards are US. The Shining is about the bloody birth of America and the generational inheritance of said violence. To see these things, one has to use their own ability to Shine and see through the veil of genre.

The next film is Full Metal Jacket, based in the Vietnam War. The film starts out with soldiers getting their heads shaved, representing the first step in their dehumanization at the hands of the U.S Military. Vietnam is not considered a just war and is an obvious extension of the genocidal characteristics America was born into. America is still doing the same thing that The Shining represents; going into a place full of brown skinned people and wreaking havoc for their own benefit and seemingly justified by racial bias. Vietnam is truly the beginning of a modern genocide, justified by politics, fear, money, and propaganda. This film came out in 1987, 12 years after Vietnam ended, but interestingly enough 3 years before another example of this American Imperialism; The Gulf War. Full Metal Jacket makes us look at something inhumane that just recently happened and yet most people remember the drill Sergeant yelling hilarious obscenities at the soldiers, many thinking the second half of the film as inferior to the first. As horrific as the dehumanization process of bootcamp is, it’s easier to watch than the reality that happened in Vietnam. In the film’s major battle sequence, we see multiple solders die, wasting hundreds of rounds only to find one young girl to be their target. This is the reality of Vietnam. Note the poster’s reference to Joker’s helmet, BORN TO KILL, relating to both the birth of America and the eagle behind Ullman’s head, turning him into a literal figurehead of this inherited American violence. 

Eyes Wide Shut continues this theme from the perspective of someone living their adult life in post Vietnam society. The modern genocide has turned war into a commodity and has shown the darkest side of capitalism. Bill probably was too young to go to Vietnam but would be a first generation adult starting a family post Vietnam (meaning he was old enough to experience Vietnam as a child but not old enough to go).

Coincidentally enough, when EWS was released in 1999 the US were only a few years away from yet another unjust conflict in Iraq based on lies with huge non-compete contracts handed out to companies that the G.W. Bush administration had personal and financial connections with. It’s also interesting to note that although this couldn’t have been intended by Kubrick, the themes of generational violence being passed down through the generations connects to George Bush starting an Iraq war in the 90s while just over a decade later his son would do that same. Kubrick saw humanity in such a deep way, the good and bad, that he’s almost seen the future through his exploration of complex themes. Sadly though I don’t believe he was psychic, but purely able to to see the reality of cycles we humans perpetuate throughout time.

Eyes Wide Shut is about modern society’s classist structures and how someone like Bill Harford could be so oblivious to the dangers that surround his lovely life and how easily that can be taken away by his own inability to see himself and the various social constructs he participates in. He is blind to the world, happy as clam to live an upperclass Manhattanite lifestyle. This is inherently connected to the more overt violent themes in the previous two films. There is a cultural genocide perpetuated by the richest people who use others like pieces on a chessboard; built off of the original sin of America’s treatment of the Natives and continued through our unjust wars of today, finally providing the power structure for a few people to wield over the rest. Money in Eyes Wide Shut is equivalent to the axe in The Shining, the rifles in Full Metal Jacket. The first line in Eyes Wide Shut is, “Honey have you seen my wallet?”. This is no accident, it’s a seemingly insignificant line of dialog that immediately begins to beg you to pay attention to this theme. 

- From The Shining: ULLMAN: We had four presidents who stayed here, lots of movie stars. WENDY: Royalty? ULLMAN: All the best people.

See my post on “All the best people”

[agoddamn]

I'm interested in how Fates does different storytelling from other games in the series and how a mystery writer influences it. I'm not a big fan of Fates hate and I love how the character designs inform the characters so much...but I struggle to like the story of Fates itself. I'm admittedly someone who plays super casual. I like doing as many supports in games to get character interactions/backstories, which is hard to do in Nohr storyline. I had a hard time getting past the whole (1/2)

“If we tell anyone Garon is an evil fake, we’ll die” Like that feels like weak writing. Which isn’t fair to hold against all of Fates, but really put me out of the story. I want to like Fates, but things keep pushing me against it. Is there a way I should approach it differently? (2/2)

The first thing I wanna say is that sometimes a story isn't for you and there's nothing at all wrong with that. There's nothing necessarily wrong with either you or the piece of media you're trying to get into if it just doesn't click with you.

I think it's important to look at Fates as a character-driven story, first and foremost. You ever watch, I dunno, Power Rangers or something? I'm not saying that Fates is Saban-level storytelling, but it's something where your attention is on what the characters are going through moreso than the details of how every gadget works.

Mystery writers tend to dispense only the details you absolutely need to tell the story. Even your red herrings should mean something, not be wasted space. Clues are disguised as basic elements you're supposed to overlook, so spewing loads of irrelevant information at the reader just isn't...artful, for lack of a better word. You want your readers to be making sensible deductions, not drowning under unrelated noise. 

So, because Fates is a character-driven story, a lot of the setting is informed by implication; the writer isn't going to hand you a list of Nohr's resources, but he expects you to notice that only Nohr uses heavy armor. He expects you to notice that the Nohrsibs are used to lying to their father to protect themselves and realize the nightmare of their family life without having to say "Garon is abusive".

It's also possibly relevant--though this is totally me spitballing--that Japan, as both a culture and language, is really into being oblique. You are literally encouraged to drop subjects and objects from sentences because the listener should know what you're talking about by context. Look at haiku--purposely limited amounts of information communicating almost entirely through symbolism and intertextuality.

Or the story about the translator who said that it wasn't appropriate to translate "I love you" to Japanese because it's too direct, and instead "the moon is beautiful" should be used. It communicates the sentiment through contextual clues (you are supposed to imagine lovers walking together on a moonlit night), which is much more appropriate to Japanese. So this might also partly be a Japanese storytelling thing that comes across much more strongly in Fates than other games because Kibayashi is much more dyed in literary experience.

Third is that Fates has a genuinely bad localization, like, Christ. You take a character-driven game and remove ⅔ of the character dialog? Yeah, that's gonna fuck some things up! 

There were also "localization choices" to make several elements of the game more consumable that also tore up the character drama. They downplayed the trauma of the Nohrsibs by rewriting Xander as a friendly, relatable big brother, which fundamentally ruins the tension of the Nohr family because Marx is supposed to be faintly scary.

The Nohrsibs are fundamentally abused children, and Marx, as the oldest, is the one most mired in his inability to confront that. He's the guy who's told in chapter 2 to execute his younger sibling and just goes "welp...guess I gotta". You are supposed to be worried throughout the game that he's going to side with Garon when the chips go down. But this makes him sound like a pussy, I guess, so they added a bunch of lines where early/midgame/support Xander explicitly says he wants to rebel against Garon--which confuses the shit out of the emotional arc of Conquest.

This is partly why the "we can't tell anyone about Garon because reasons" thing sounds so cheap to you. To be clear, I also find the crystal-of-plot-revealing-you-can-only-use-once pretty damn lame, but the underlying emotional tension there is supposed to be "we genuinely don't know if Marx or any of the other siblings will side with us against Garon". But you can't have that when Xander has already been established as a nice big bro who totally wants to take out Garon.

On the Hoshido side, they "edited" out mentions of explicit systemic sexism, I guess because sexism bad? But that sexism informs the bitter tragedy of "Queen Hinoka" and other female characters, where the English rewrite of "Hinoka had already decided that if Ryouma died she would pass up the throne" makes her sound selfish and lazy (not to mention callous, like you already were planning what you'd do if your brother died? Yeesh).

And in general a lot of jokes/purposely goofy lines were added, which is another thing that dilutes the character-driven moments.

Finally I do freely admit that it's a game with writing issues. It relies on plot devices like the Rainbow Sage or whatever's in Aqua's pockets too much, the kids are non-canon, and the earlygame is a bit too fast. These aren't dealbreakers for me, but they might be for you, and there's not really anything to do about that except suggesting you approach from a different angle.

So I guess my recommendations are these: try to think of it first and foremost as a character-driven story, a playground for these characters to express themselves and show emotion; check out some supports you don't have the energy to grind out on YouTube (all the royal ones are extremely good, and most of the C-A ones are great); and try looking up some of the translations of cut lines, which can sometimes give you a much more rounded understanding of a character. The fan translations tend to be on the dry side because they're being written by normal people without any kind of overseeing editor, so cut them a little slack for that, too.

[beardycarrot]

Alright! Now that I’ve finished Aliens Ate My Homework (kids’ books really are just a couple hour read for an adult, huh?), I have in mind some things that I think are important for the movie adaptation to stick to.

The look of the characters should be the easiest thing to nail... their outfits probably won’t match what’s described in the book (movies always feel the need to change that in some capacity), but I don’t really care about that. What I’m more interested in is how they portray the less humanoid characters. Pong, Grakker, and Snout can all be played by actors in costumes, but Tar Gibbons is described as having a lemon-shaped body with four legs, a long neck, and a turtle-like head with bulging bug eyes; that’s gonna be a fully CG character.

The other is Phil, a potted plant. Basically a big stalk covered in leaves and vines, with a flower where a head would be, who moves around with thrusters on his pot. He has a symbiotic relationship with creature called Plink, described as kind of a blue cat-monkey. I really like how this illustration portrays it; even if it looks more like some kind of cartoonie bug, I would be perfectly happy if this is the design the movie goes for. These two are also going to be fully CG, so unless they base it entirely on the description provided for Plink, base its design on an illustration from another artist, or just do their own thing with it, I can’t imagine them finding a way to mess these designs up... but who knows.

BKR, the evil alien, should be interesting. He’s described as having blue skin, pale orange spikes covering his head (I was picturing maybe a dozen four-inch-long spikes, but the spike density could also be interpreted as covering his head like hair), and... otherwise, looking like Shirley Temple? That’s gonna be interesting, but this is also the character I expect them to take the most liberties with. I can’t say why... maybe just from experience with this kind of adaptation.

There are a few major plot points that I think they have to adhere to. First, that the good aliens’ ship is malfunctioning (the illustrations portray the ship as a traditional flying saucer, but I don’t think the design matters much) and they’re stuck shrunken to two inches tall until the end. That’s... basically the only reason for Rod, the protagonist, to be involved. The aliens need to repair their ship, so Rod has to carry them around to investigate BKR.

Secondly, they need to eat his homework. It doesn’t have to be the papier mache volcano and math assignment portrayed in the book, but, I mean, it IS the title of the movie.

Grakker and Snout have an unspecified relationship... Snout is very, VERY clearly based on Spock from Star Trek (in fact, I think the third book in this series is called The Search for Snout, a play on the third Star Trek movie, The Search for Spock), so it might just be a close friendship, but they share a room on the ship while everyone else has their own, so who knows. At one point it’s mentioned that they’re “bonded”. Potentially Gayliens. I don’t remember what their relationship is like in later books.

Next, Rod is incapable of lying. There definitely won’t be a flashback to the traumatizing-to-a-toddler reason for it, but that’s Rod’s defining characteristic: he doesn’t, and can’t, tell lies. Who knows whether that will be included.

Finally, Rod’s dad having been missing for quite a while isn’t a huge part of the story, but it does play an important role. Him lying to Rod’s mom strengthened Rod’s inability to lie (you’re not told what the lie was, but it’s implied that this was the night he left), and towards the end of the story BKR claims to know where he went, and implies that he’s no longer on Earth. I don’t remember if this is a plot point in future books, but Bruce Coville did something pretty similar in My Teacher Flunked The Planet, so it could be. This is the kind of thing that adaptations will just arbitrarily change, though, so who knows.

So! With all that out of the way, it’s time to watch the movie!

...Okay, first thing’s first, the opening credits of the movie are set to shots of a model solar system, so I’m assuming that’s the replacement for the volcano. I’ll allow it. Also, William Shatner is in this movie? What? As who?? The only adult male character in the story is an android of a man in his thirties, and he’s only there for what would amount to two minutes of screen time at the end. Rod’s grandfather is mentioned, but only once, in the context of “this is my grandfather’s farmland”.

Alright, definitely a modern setting. I guess the model isn’t for a science fair, instead being something Rod’s filming on his smartphone with his mom, twin siblings, and... his dad. Now, this looked like is was going to be an adaptation fail, but it turns out this was a flashback to the night he went missing. Clever!

Less clever is this abysmal color grading meant to represent a dark and stormy night, and the fact that they live in a cul-de-sac instead of being out in the middle of some farmland... but that’s not that significant of a change.

For some reason the story now takes place in the winter instead of mid-May, making me wonder where BKR (in the guise of Billy Becker) is getting the bugs to smash against Rod’s head. More importantly, as revealed at the end of the book, most intelligent life in the universe is about three feet tall, which is why BKR is pretending to be a kid while hiding on Earth. Instead of being a foot shorter than Rod, however, he’s now taller. Weird. Rod also now has his cousin Elspeth staying with his family for winter break, for... literally no reason that I can think of. Elspeth is a character from the second book in the series, but she wasn’t even mentioned in the first.

Grakker isn’t quite book-accurate, but not entirely inaccurate either... except for the color of his skin. He’s supposed to be green. What the hell. They whitewashed an alien. On the upside, the dialog in this scene is all pretty book-accurate. Unfortunately, they lose a lot of points with Madame Pong, who is supposed to be a very calm, understanding, zen character... but comes across as a little condescending. Also, this:

What? What?? Why did they keep this book dialog, when the house is VERY CLEARLY part of some kind of housing development area? I legitimately have no idea what they were thinking.

I also have no idea what’s going on here. Elspeth is... I guess looking through family photos on a computer? Ignore the subtitles, that’s from a weather report on tv. What I’m curious about is what exactly is going on in the photo. That’s clearly Rod’s dad, from three years ago... but recent pictures of the twins? Did Rod’s mom, who apparently runs a pet photography business, Photoshop a family ski trip that never happened? Is that what’s being implied here??

We’re then introduced to the rest of the aliens, and... wow, I can’t describe my disappointment. Remember how I said Tar Gibbons and Phil would be fully CG characters? Yeah, that, uhh... that didn’t happen. I was hoping they would do as much of this movie with practical effects as possible, but I meant that in the “get good SFX people” way, not the “do everything as cheaply as possible” way. They’re literally both just guys in suits.

Yeah sure eye stalks and a thick neck are absolutely the same thing as bulging eyes and a long neck. More importantly, look at that clearly human body with extra legs just kinda hanging off the hips. Phil is just as bad. You can’t really tell from still frames, but yeah, he has two vines with leaves coming off of his human-body-proportioned stalk at shoulder level and moves like a guy in a suit... and for some reason, his flower is split into halves so that it can be puppeteered to move like a mouth. Despite the fact that in the book his flower doesn’t even play a part in communication. They could’ve easily just installed a light inside the flower and explained that he communicates through pod burps, and would’ve been perfectly book-accurate. Why make this specific change. Also, if you’ve read this far, you’re probably wondering where Snout is. Yeah, uh. Me too.

Anyway, they appear to have combined the characters of BKR and Arnie into one person to simplify things (but then why introduce Elspeth??), and for no readily apparent reason, changed BKR, which is pronounced how you would expect, into B’KR, pronounced... b’car. For no reason.

Good GOD is this movie cheap. I appreciate the set they created for the top of Rod’s desk, with the giant pencil and such, and obviously they’re going to use a green screen for scenes like this... but it looks SO bad in motion. Like, see how the shot ends at his knees? That’s because he’s very obviously running in place, in front of a green screen. Also, why are sixth graders learning about the Drake Equation, which concerns the statistics relevant to intelligent alien life in the universe, in math class? I guess it’s technically a math topic, but not the kind of thing you’d learn in pre-algebra...and for comparison, Rod’s math homework consisted of single-digit multiplication tables, the kind of thing you do in like, second grade.

I’m also not fond of the degree to which Grakker is a comic relief character. Like... throughout the book, he’s completely strict and serious, and most of the comedy comes from Phil, Gibbons, and Rod. The first time you see genuine emotion from him is when Rod accidentally injures Snout, causing Grakker to hold him tenderly and shed a tear (again, potential Gayliens).

This is supposed to be the inside of a thick black canvas backpack. Am I crazy? Did I not see the Universal Studios logo at the start of this movie? Why does it look like the cheapest of cheap made-for-tv movies? Anyway. They appear to have given Snout’s ability to slow time to Madame Pong, which is worrying. Did they just... remove Snout, one of most important characters in the entire book series? To what end? To fit in all the stupid pointless Elspeth stuff? If they were hoping to make sequels to this movie, well... bad news, because again, the third book in the series is called The Search for Snout. Okay, I gotta know, is he actually cut from the movie or just a surprise reveal for later?

Alright, I am now officially dragging this movie. Also, I guess we now know where William Shatner fits in... I hadn’t even noticed it was him. Also Also, is that furry pink lump with one eye supposed to be Plink? Why all the arbitrary changes? Did they just decide that since they couldn’t fit a person inside of it, they would give it no limbs at all? Why is it pink??

Eyyy. Roll credits! Yeah, I wish... I’m only halfway through this thing.

They made Rod’s best friend Mickey Asian, which is fine, he’s a very minor character and never really described in the book... but unfortunately, they also decided to make him Data from The Goonies. He’s an inventor. Because he’s Asian. Coooool character, movie. So far it’s lead to an unfunny Coke and Mentos gag and an unfunny Pop Rocks and soda gag (which resulted in projectile vomiting). They cut Snout out of the movie to make room for this stuff, mind you. I’m sure this is building up to some kind of payoff, but I’m pretty sure I’m not going to enjoy it.

Speaking of payoffs, there seems to be an implication that there’s some kind of paranormal activity at Seldom Seen, the hidden field on Rod’s grandfather’s property, and at Rod’s school. I can understand the field, in this version Rod’s dad definitely seems to be involved with aliens in some capacity, and that’s probably where he was keeping a ship or something... but the school is kinda inexplicable. Like, it’s covered in snow... and it’s the only place in town that’s seeing snow. I can only assume it’s BKR’s... sorry, B’KR’s doing, but I’m not sure why. Did they decide that being blue means he’s from a cold planet, and requires it to be cold wherever he is?

No idea what’s up with some of these changes. Instead of BKR’s house being like an unlived-in model home, it’s... a complete sty. The exact opposite of the book. Why. Also, that coffee table is completely covered in video game consoles... GameCube, Dreamcast, PS2, N64... but Rod says he’s got “all the latest video games”. Does he? Does he really? Was that line in the script, so the crew just bought whatever they could find? As for BKR himself...

I mean, I don’t see Shirley Temple, but it’s not bad! Rod wasn’t trapped inside a pocket dimension inside a CRT tv when he took his mask off, but they wouldn’t have been able to manage that scene with this budget anyway. So far, this is the only alien design I fully endorse. There WAS a point to him having a cherubic face in the book, but it’s never addressed, only implied, and I get why they would make him look more menacing.

In the book, BKR didn’t really have any goals. He just enjoyed being cruel for the sake of being cruel, and was hiding out on Earth because it was unlikely they’d find him there. In the movie, B’KR intends to destroy Earth by opening a wormhole (which is what’s causing the snow), and the good guys have about an hour to save the planet.

They kept another of Snout’s abilities, the Vulcan Mind Mel-- er, knowledge transferal, but gave it to Tar Gibbons. This is literally the only thing he’s done in the entire movie. For the record, this was originally the scene where Snout connects their minds, but Rod is startled by it and pulls back, causing Snout severe psychic harm and prompting the aforementioned emotional response from Grakker.

...They just had to get William Shatner to say Klingon, didn’t they. The climax of the movie is all him flying around spouting (sprouting?) plant puns, then Rod throws a banana cream pie (which was, apparently, part of someone’s science project) at BKR’s face... and finishes him off with foam shot from his papier mache volcano. I guess the shrunken spaceship expanding inside of a house, causing the roof to collapse and knock BKR unconscious, was too expensive violent for the movie... but why is getting him messy a solution to anything? Ah well.

Bruce Coville himself has a cameo as the judge for the science fair, which is nice. I think he might be the principal of the school... I didn’t really notice in the scene featuring the principal earlier, since that happened to be the projectile vomiting scene. I can only imagine he was honored to have his work recognized in this capacity... he’s a good dude, I’m sure he wouldn’t be as horrified as I am with the writing and quality of it.

Also the movie ends with the reveal of the actual size of the aliens... which is, uhh. About the size of adult humans. Hrm. Guess they just straight up decided not to get anything right, huh? Oh, and they reveal that Rod’s father actually is a member of the Galactic Patrol. So, that’s a thing.

Please don’t say that. God, was this movie bad. I would understand if they were passionate about bringing the story to more people and just didn’t have much of a budget, or if they made changes to better suit a visual medium, but that... is not what they did. I’m not the kind of person that demands an adaptation remains 100% faithful; if you want the experience of the book, you can just read the book. This, however, changes so many things. Like, in the book, BKR’s crime is cruelty. That’s the message of the book... that in truly civilized societies, kindness is the norm, and needless cruelty is a criminal act.

The characters in the book all either have depth to them or are interesting as sci-fi concepts, but the movie... Gakker is Mr. Slapstick, Madame Pong is Cool Collected Female, Tar Gibbons is... I dunno, wisdom obscured by things that just don’t translate into English and saying Warrior Science a lot (honestly the closest to his book counterpart, though HE was more interesting and actually did stuff), and Phil... yeah, just William Shatner saying plant puns. Bleagh.

Well, despite that end screen, it’s good to know that we won’t be getting any sequels. I mean, like I’ve already mentioned, Snout going missing is a major plot point in the second book, and the third is literally called The Search For Snout. What are they going to do, just skip to the fourth book?

...Oh hey, George Takei.

[dopposhusband]

You asked for it and here it is @yokairu​, my new AU!

The alternate universe where I take in Jiro and Saburo as my brothers!

The AU starts between the time Ichiro was involved with Kuko as ‘Naughty Busters’ and when he joined ‘Mad Comic Dialog’. During then I had just moved out to Japan and rather unsuccessfully trying to start my career, so I was pretty broke and living on my own in Ikebukuro. When I wasn’t working, which was often during this time, I would roam the city to keep myself occupied or look for inspiration for another project I could add to my portfolio. During one of my times out I found Saburo and Jiro being approached by some older kids trying to take the money they had on them to pick up groceries. Seeing it I intervened and y’know being technically an adult was more than enough to scare them off. Next time I saw them on my route they had bought me some melon pan with the little money they had as a thank you.

Then on I would see them all the time on my walks around the city, they would complain about their older brother or issues they had a school. Once I got a peek of their lives at the orphanage I tried my damnedest to keep a little bit of extra cash aside for them so I help get a little more food in them. However, on one day I didn’t see them at the usual time, my older brother instincts were screaming at me to go to the orphanage so I ran as fast as I could. When I made it through the doors I was welcomed to the the directors gang trying to kidnap them. I took out my mic and did my best to fight them off, but it worked more as a distraction as I moved for them to run with me to my place to hide. Once it had blown over I had taken in the two, Ichiro had tried to visit them during but it wouldn’t end well for him, so he kept his eyes on them from afar. Soon after we would start getting random envelopes of money he’d put through our door’s mail slot.

Fast forward to the main timeline, I had already bought the three of us a brand new place to live since I was making a pretty good amount now! On the first floor was our living space, a living room, kitchen and a room for each of us and on the second floor was my workplace with my computer and graphic design equipment. Unfortunately, Jiro and Saburo’s idolization came with this universe as well with the two constantly butting heads for my approval. The worst it gets is on my birthday, since the day was right before Jiro’s and he would rub it in to Saburo that we got to celebrate together. Other than that, we were living pretty good, but the day the mics came our quiet life was thrown into the air. I knew no one and with my brother’s begging to join my team I was forced to agree out of fear of what Chuuoko might do if I hadn’t had a team by the deadline. 

Meeting the other divisions we would be going against at the DRB was unnerving, I really didn’t want to have to worry about my younger bros fighting men nearly double their age, but it hit harder when I saw Ichiro there as well. He was the leader of the new universe Rabid Rapids and we would be forced to take them head on, we would lose the fight. While it had been a very terrible first experience for the three of us, Jiro and Saburo hadn’t lost their will and were even more determined to win the next one. I was proud of them but the battle left me with more uneasy feelings than anything, specifically about Ichiro and if I had unintentionally split up a family.

The two of us had run into each other the night before the battle and I had gotten to know him outside of the letters of cash he left behind for us. He spoke so fondly of his brothers with such a broken cadence that I couldn’t help but feel like I had taken away a brother they could’ve had. I tried to say something but before I could he just thanked me for taking such good care of them and left. The second most important person I had met on those days before the battle was Jinguji Jakurai, a former member of the once feared Dirty Dawg. While the two were at school I had called him with a million things I needed answers to.

Was Ichiro a good person?

Where was he all this time?

Does he deserve to see his brothers?

Did I take his brothers away from him?

It was definitely a lot to put on someone at once, especially over the phone, so after calming me down he made his way over to help me with any issues I had. Jakurai was such a genuine person out of the three members other ex-members, so I didn’t feel I had to worry about him being biased. To keep it simple, I felt terrible when I found out everything Ichiro was doing behind the scenes to keep his brothers safe at that orphanage. I DESTROYED A FAMILY. The rest of the plot of the AU is just slowly reintroducing Ichiro to his brothers and reuniting them with tons of family fluff in the middle.

Extra Info/facts for the AU!!!

⚽ I was thinking about changing the name of the group from ‘Buster Bros!!!’ to ‘Other Bros!!!’ short for Other Brothers since we’re brothers from other families! (Might change Rabid Rapids too but I dont have an idea yet)

♟ The animal theme has switched from the Rabid Rapids to us with me keeping my pink rabbit hoodie, but now Jiro has a light blue dog hood and Saburo has a pale yellow cat hoodie!

⚽ Jiro and Saburo help me with screen printing jobs!

♟ Since my Kanji reading is atrocious Saburo doesn’t make fun of Jiros inability to read Kanji in this universe.

⚽ Hifumi and I keep in contact after the battle so he can teach me how to cook healthier meals for the bros.

♟ Samatoki and Ichiro are on better terms but only because Ichiro has no energy to pick fights with him.

⚽ Since Im a graphic designer the bros are more creatively inclined instead of musically, Jiro still plays guitar but now he makes stencils for whenever he goes tagging. Infact, for Jiro’s room we got a bunch of acoustic wall foam for his walls and spray painted designs on them. I also painted a side of Saburo’s room with blackboard paint so he can use chalk to doodle or work out homework.

♟ I was thinking of adding a part where in the orphanage battle where I get some sort of eye damage and have to get glass eye so I’d get a green one so we can match having odd eyes. Although, I wasn’t sure if that was too much, so its still just an idea.

[theanoninyouraskblog]

Well, well, well.

@erasermic-aus​

Looks like henry and windy are at it again. Lets give them hell shall we.

Mmm look at that delicious hint. Alright you know the drill lets look at obvious stuff first. 

1: We’ve got a recording microphone. Specifically based on the shape it looks like we either have a condenser mic (specifically a large condenser mic) or a Ribbon microphone. Knowing what we do about Present Mic canonically (He has a radio show) we can assume this Mic also has a radio show (or a vlog, we’ll get to that later) which means he’s probably using a Ribbon Microphone given that they’re said to have the most natural sound and are usually used for recording human voices. 

But we can take this further. 

Hizashi’s Microphone is a mounted mic on stand... obviously (they help with audio quality). And he appears to have a pop filter on the front (basically it makes audio not sound like shit or in the words of an expert: “One of the simplest recording gadgets is the humble pop filter... positioned between the vocalist and your microphone to block plosives – those percussive P and B sounds that cause annoying low frequency bumps.”- a random fucking website, I did this research myself, I’m not sighting it if I don't have to.)

2: Red eyes. Now Hizashi canonically in the Bnha comics has read eyes, it was changed for the show... for atheistic reasons I guess? This isn’t some measly one off, because Windy and Henry aren’t sloppy. Lets take a look at what versions of Mic have green eyes. The mad hatter. Waiter Hizashi. That's it... there aren't that many full color pictures of hizashi with his eyes colored/open. 

But lets look at who has red eyes. God’s Abomination, specifically when it’s villain mic and hero eraser. (there's no fully colored version the other way round so I’m just sort of assuming his eyes are green when it’s hero hizashi and villain eraser, would make my job soooo much easier being able to draw that conclusion) BUT NOPE I can’t make that clear decisive cut of red means evil, because guess what... HERO MIC HAS RED EYES IN SCREECH’S AU.

But you know what we do know. 

Mic isn’t a hero. Henry told us as much. 

Odd emphasis on not there... implies he’s a villain. But we wont rule out civilian yet.

Now we get to talk about this:

Firstly, that one eye visible one eye not is a fucking trope in the art world. 

Want to know why?

Nah, I’m joking it’s been around a lot longer than him. But the glasses glare and the one eye is a very common theme. Don’t believe me?

That hiding one or both eyes on dangerous characters thing? Also a fucking trope. 

Want a list of popular anime character with only one eye showing??? I have one!! https://www.ranker.com/list/best-anime-characters-with-one-eye-showing/ranker-anime Want a whole fucking page about it? https://www.animecharactersdatabase.com/tags.php?id=1085 Here's the data base!!!

Want videogame examples? Undyne (undertale), Sans (undertale), Garry (Ib)! The list goes on!

And doing something with a character’s eyes is always a trope! Character got possessed??? Guess what you can change the eyes to clue your audience in! You’re character just went fucking feral? SLITTED PUPILS ARE THE WAY MY DUDE. Aizawa Shouta just activated his quirk? Zoom in on them eyes, change color and do a weird color fracture. 

Super powerful character has eyes flash? Totally normal, robot character’s eyes change color when scanning? One eye changes color?

Heterochromia is also super common. 

This implies that Hizashi is dangerous, since it’s not happening before a fight as far as I can tell, it just implies he’s a dangerous man and not to be messed with. 

Also remember how I mentioned vlogging? There is the off chance Hizashi is blogging and that’s why his attention isn't on his microphone. Or he could be looking at photos,  or something... maybe a kidnapped and tied up Aizawa... who knows. 

3: Now lets look at that dialog. 

“He was amazing!” We can infer that the he in this situation is probably Aizawa... though it could technically be anyone. But we’re going to stick with Aizawa. 

He was amazing? Well sounds a bit like Hizashi talking about Hero Aizawa, having seen Aizawa on patrol or even having fought him. One this is for sure, this is probably an obsessive mic. The sort that fixates on Aizawa or the like. Seems to me like a villain obsessing over a hero. Now, subtler details. 

1: Lets take a look at this background. That’s glass right there which means this isn't Hizashi’s house, this is a recording studio. And Hizashi is either the host or is being interviewed, and we can rule that out due to the fact his feet are up and it’s fucking rude to do that if your being interviewed. 

Now this could also be a police interrogation room, but the chair lends to it not being so, as does his posture and the mic itself. No this is a recording studio which means Mic defiantly has his own show.

Not only that, he’s a public figure. And probably a villain!

2: Hand guestures are something distinctly Hizashi. As someone who speaks with their hands the same way he does, expressing with hands isn’t just a thing for other people, you move your hands by yourself, reminding yourself to put on socks with motions, etc. But that, that's an odly specific position. 

Now talking with your hands is a common phenomena, books have been written about it, it allegedly conveys strong leadership and the like... however it’s also a trait sociopaths and psychopath are known to mimic in order to endear people to them. Now let me put up a sociopath/psycopath checklist (The tests are very similar and I didnt feel like doing both) and lets look at Present Mic as a character.

GLIB and SUPERFICIAL CHARM — The tendency to be smooth, engaging, charming, slick, and verbally facile. Psychopathic charm is not in the least shy, self-conscious, or afraid to say anything.  A psychopath never gets tongue-tied. They have freed themselves from the social conventions about taking turns in talking, for example. ✓ Hey, look Charm? Never gets tongue tied... hmmm

GRANDIOSE SELF-WORTH — A grossly inflated view of one’s abilities and self-worth, self-assured, opinionated, cocky, a braggart. Psychopaths are arrogant people who believe they are superior human beings. ✓ This one is a little harder to check off, because he’s not nearly as self centered, but cocky? yeah... yep, so he gets half a point here.

NEED FOR STIMULATION or PRONENESS TO BOREDOM — An excessive need for novel, thrilling, and exciting stimulation; taking chances and doing things that are risky. Psychopaths often have low self-discipline in carrying tasks through to completion because they get bored easily. They fail to work at the same job for any length of time, for example, or to finish tasks that they consider dull or routine. ✓ I dunno if you’ve met Hizashi, but this fits in rather well.

PATHOLOGICAL LYING — Can be moderate or high; in moderate form, they will be shrewd, crafty, cunning, sly, and clever; in extreme form, they will be deceptive, deceitful, underhanded, unscrupulous, manipulative, and dishonest. ✓ If he’s a villain he checks this easily. Especially if he’s a public figure AND a villain. 

CONNING AND MANIPULATIVENESS — The use of deceit and deception to cheat, con, or defraud others for personal gain; distinguished from Item #4 in the degree to which exploitation and callous ruthlessness is present, as reflected in a lack of concern for the feelings and suffering of one’s victims. ✓ See above

LACK OF REMORSE OR GUILT — A lack of feelings or concern for the losses, pain, and suffering of victims; a tendency to be unconcerned, dispassionate, cold-hearted, and non-empathic. This item is usually demonstrated by a disdain for one’s victims. Ehhh… I really need to see more of this version of Hizashi to determine that. 

SHALLOW AFFECT — Emotional poverty or a limited range or depth of feelings; interpersonal coldness in spite of signs of open See above.

CALLOUSNESS and LACK OF EMPATHY — A lack of feelings toward people in general; cold, contemptuous, inconsiderate, and tactless. Once again see above

PARASITIC LIFESTYLE — An intentional, manipulative, selfish, and exploitative financial dependence on others as reflected in a lack of motivation, low self-discipline, and inability to begin or complete responsibilities. Nope.

POOR BEHAVIORAL CONTROLS — Expressions of irritability, annoyance, impatience, threats, aggression, and verbal abuse; inadequate control of anger and temper; acting hastily. ✓ Acting hastily? Yep.

PROMISCUOUS SEXUAL BEHAVIOR — A variety of brief, superficial relations, numerous affairs, and an indiscriminate selection of sexual partners; the maintenance of several relationships at the same time; a history of attempts to sexually coerce others into sexual activity or taking great pride at discussing sexual exploits or conquests. Cannonically this would make sense but we wont check it.

EARLY BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS — A variety of behaviors prior to age 13, including lying, theft, cheating, vandalism, bullying, sexual activity, fire-setting, glue-sniffing, alcohol use, and running away from home. Dunno yet.

LACK OF REALISTIC, LONG-TERM GOALS — An inability or persistent failure to develop and execute long-term plans and goals; a nomadic existence, aimless, lacking direction in life. This man wanted to be a radio host. That's not a fucking stable job Hizashi. This is poor planning. ✓

IMPULSIVITY — The occurrence of behaviors that are unpremeditated and lack reflection or planning; inability to resist temptation, frustrations, and urges; a lack of deliberation without considering the consequences; foolhardy, rash, unpredictable, erratic, and reckless. ✓ No duh

IRRESPONSIBILITY — Repeated failure to fulfill or honor obligations and commitments; such as not paying bills, defaulting on loans, performing sloppy work, being absent or late to work, failing to honor contractual agreements. ✓ if He’s a fucking villain.

FAILURE TO ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR OWN ACTIONS — A failure to accept responsibility for one’s actions reflected in low conscientiousness, an absence of dutifulness, antagonistic manipulation, denial of responsibility, and an effort to manipulate others through this denial. ✓ if He’s a fucking villain.

MANY SHORT-TERM MARITAL RELATIONSHIPS — A lack of commitment to a long-term relationship reflected in inconsistent, undependable, and unreliable commitments in life, including marital. Nope

JUVENILE DELINQUENCY — Behavior problems between the ages of 13-18; mostly behaviors that are crimes or clearly involve aspects of antagonism, exploitation, aggression, manipulation, or a callous, ruthless tough-mindedness. Dunno yet

REVOCATION OF CONDITION RELEASE — A revocation of probation or other conditional releases due to technical violations, such as carelessness, low deliberation, or failing to appear. Dunno yet

CRIMINAL VERSATILITY — A diversity of types of criminal offenses, regardless if the person has been arrested or convicted for them; taking great pride at getting away with crimes. …..✓

Let me spell this out for you, Hizashi is displaying an oddly exaggerated handmotion, even for the most exuberant of hand talkers. (Generaly talking with your hands never gets outside of a box, here I’ve drawn the box on mic for you.)

The larger box is where most people talk and people why are shy or have been bullied/are self conscious of their hands talk in the smaller box. 

He as a character ticks of most of a psychopathic checklist and if he is indeed a psychopath he could have learned that hand motion endear people to you. Now I’m not saying he is a psychopath, most people tick off at least 4 of those boxes, I’m just saying it’s possible. 

3 yep that eye is still confusing me, he defiantly seems like he’s looking at something and the more I look at that smug expression the more I think it’s Aizawa tied up and gagged in a chair with his own capture weapon glaring at him.

4: That's a nice chair. That's a nice chair. Not interrogation I guess. But something about that chair irks me. 

Alright nitpicky now. 

Posture:

That's not fucking relaxed posture. That’s posturing to give of the air of being relaxed. Mic may have been relaxed when he crossed his legs but those arms are not relaxed. Look at the stiff angles. That’s a man who’s up to something. 

And lastly, no, no I could not figure out what kind of shoes Mic is wearing, and I don't think it’s relevant.

[readingsweetblueflowers]

Two characters in search of an actor

I previously wrote about the patriarch of the Sugimoto clan, a man notable for the lack of attention paid to him in Sweet Blue Flowers. In my last post on the Fujigaya production of Rokumeikan I consider two more men notable for their absence in the manga, Hisao and Count Kageyama.

Hisao at least rates a mention in the manga: Pages 94-95 of omnibus volume 3  show Akiko (played by Akira) mentioning that he is in danger (though it omits telling us exactly why), and the girl playing Hisao is subsequently called to the stage, after which the narration explains that he is Asako’s estranged son. But we are left ignorant of who played Hisao, and are not made privy to any of his dialog.

With Count Kageyama the erasure is (almost) complete. Like Hisao, his actor is never identified and we never hear his words. Unlike Hisao he is not referenced at all in the manga, either by his name or by his role in the story.

As with Yasuko’s father we may ask, why might this be? As in that case, the simple answer is that they are peripheral to the story Shimura is telling. They are men, and Sweet Blue Flowers is a story about girls becoming women, specifically women who love women. With Hisao we have the additional factor that he is explicitly identified as Akiko’s lover, and it would detract from the story of Akira’s and Fumi’s tentatively blossoming love to have another girl play a love interest opposite Akira.

But as with Yasuko’s father we can also explore this absence further, starting with Hisao. Hisao is a type familiar from both Mishima’s other works and from Japanese history: the young hothead, whose discontents and violent tendencies alternately affront and are exploited by the Japanese (male) establishment.

Hisao’s resentment at his father’s treatment of him first leads him to contemplate assassinating Kiyohara. Persuaded to desist only by the intervention of his newly-revealed mother, Asako, he lets himself be goaded again into resentment and action by Kageyama’s words and scheming, only to rebel against Kageyama as well by deliberately mis-aiming his shot at Kiyohara, subsequently getting himself killed by Kiyohara’s return fire.

I think the term “toxic masculinity” gets overused a lot, but if it applies to anything it applies to Hisao’s actions in this play. Hisao has a chance to turn from the path he was taking, to leave Japan with Akiko and make a new life with her, but he throws it all away to engage in a self-destructive act that in his own mind means a great deal but in the grand scheme of things makes no difference whatsoever, other than to bring pain to his mother, father, and lover.

This offers another reason why Hisao is downplayed in the manga: to audiences familiar with the play he is by his omission highlighted as a negative role model, especially for young girls like Akira and Fumi, and especially for a story like Sweet Blue Flowers. In older class S works suicide (for that is what Hisao’s actions amount to) might be the end game for some, frustrated in their inability to escape the strictures of society, but it has no place in the world of Sweet Blue Flowers.

Its message would rather be that of Asako to Akiko after she learns of Hisao’s death and despairs of life: “You can’t say any such weak-hearted thing. You must by all means try to live.” Or in other words: “Don’t be Hisao.”

What then of Count Kageyama? As I implied above, he is the Voldemort of the Rokumeikan production portrayed in Sweet Blue Flowers, “he-who-must-not-be-named”. But unlike Voldemort Kageyama is seemingly successful in his role as the Big Bad: when his original plan to employ Hisao goes awry he discovers what Asako has done and arranges a new scheme to achieve his aim. He successfully plays on Hisao’s sense of masculinity to persuade him to resume his plan of assassinating Kiyohara—a plan that even if seemingly unsuccessful eliminates Kiyohara as a political force (as Kiyohara himself notes)—and then (it is strongly implied) has Kiyohara killed to finish the job that Hisao could not. In plain terms he wins, and everyone else—Asako, Akiko, Hisao, and Kiyohara—loses.

I should note here that Kageyama is not portrayed in the play as a unrelievedly evil villain: He is jealous of Asako’s relationship with Kiyohara, and apparently yearns to have what they have with each other—“I was jealous of that indescribable trust that exists between you and Kiyohara”—even as he scoffs at the possibilities of love and trust between two people: “It is an absurd thing. Human beings can’t make pledges or trust each other unconditionally as you and Kiyohara have done. ... That sort of thing should never exist in our human world.”

But whatever his feelings, his actions are contemptible, and Asako calls him out for it in the climax of act 4: “Please do not talk about love and human beings any more. Those words are unclean. When they come out of your mouth, they are repellent. You are clean as ice only when you totally isolate yourself from human emotions. Please do not bring in love and humane feelings with your sticky hands. This is unlike you.”

As it happens this is the only time Kageyama appears in Sweet Blue Flowers even indirectly, as Kyoko rehearses this speech on pages 104-105 of omnibus volume 3. (I have used Hiroaki Sato’s translation here instead of the one in the manga because I think it better conveys the sense of what Asako is saying.) Midway through Kyoko stops, lost in thought, until prompted by another person—perhaps the anonymous girl playing Kageyama, whom we glimpse only from behind.

What was Kyoko thinking? Earlier in the manga she thought to herself, “Did dad fall for a woman like Asako?” Is she implicitly comparing her father to Kageyama?

And what of herself? Whatever ardor Ko felt before seems to have cooled, replaced with frustration at Kyoko’s behavior towards him—and perhaps also a jealousy born of whatever he might know or guess of Kyoko’s feelings toward Yasuko. In turn Kyoko’s renewed desire to get married reeks of desperation and a desire to escape her family situation, as Ko points out to her.

Perhaps Kyoko stopped to think that what happened to Asako and to her mother might one day happen to herself: that she and Ko might enter into a marriage with at least some lingering feelings of love and affection, only to have it all end in cruelty and coldness. Kyoko could not save her mother (“I couldn’t stop her from breaking”); if it ever came to that, could she save herself?

[ian-the-existential-crisis]

1,2,4,6,7,8,10,13,15,19,20,21,25,26,29,30,33,39,42,43,44,48,50,53? - Z

1 Favorite place to write

Anywhere quiet

2 Favorite part of writing

world-building

4 Do you have any writing habits or rituals

I have two habits, one of which I think is weird but it helps. The first one is: If it is a story I’m taking seriously I will only post it at night. There have been times when I stayed up until six in the morning to finish a chapter, but I don’t post them until after 8 pm. The second one (the weird one) is: I only write dialog when I am talking to someone, or watching a conversation unfold. It doesn’t matter if it’s over one of my discord groups or in a private message, I will not write dialog unless I have inspiration from real conversations happening around me.

6 Favorite character you ever created

I’d have to say, that right now, it’s a toss up between two of them. Renona and Inara. They are from two different stories and two very different upbringings each of which is just as tragic (I love to hurt my ocs) as the other ones.

7 Favorite Author 

Sherrilyn Kenyon. Hands down. I have like a good fifty of her books. I’m totally in love, she’s amazing and my favorite.

10 Pick a writer to co-write a book and tell us what you’d write about 

I’d always ask @rosegarden-draws to be my co-writer before anyone else

13 How do you deal with writer’s block

I start a new project. But tbh I don’t get writer’s block very off

15 Where does your inspiration come from?

From like the stupidest things. Like it doesn’t even matter, I could look at something that has nothing to do with anything and be like… This makes me want to write an outer space adventure about a kid who gets kidnapped from his planet by space pirates. No joke, I wrote a 55k story about just that cause one of the kids in my neighborhood fell off his bike one day.

19 First line of a WIP you are currently working on

If Prompt Argentum had to pick a day when he least wanted to terrorize the city of Insomnia, this would be that day.

(Guess who finally finished Final Fantasy 15 and is diving in head first)

20 Post a snippet of a WIP you’re currently working on

*Cries in Klance*

21 Post the last sentence you wrote in one of your WIPs

When had the world lost its color? That was what Syo wondered as an array of yellows and blues assaulted his eyes.

25 Linear or Non-linear, and why

Uh, both. I prefer Linear because that’s what I like to read, but the WIP from ask 19 is a mostly Non-linear story, it’s going to be written a lot like the way some superhero shows are. (Ex Miraculous and Teen Titans)

26 Stand-alone or series, and why?

Again both. But leaning to series, because I enjoy making worlds and creating lives that characters have to live with the decisions they have to make

29 Who do you write for

Hahaha. If only I knew

30 Favorite line you’ve ever written

You expect me to pick just one? I went back to three of the stories I’m most proud of (though they are three of my least popular stories) And I picked out like twelve lines from each.

I guess if I had to choose it would be somewhere within this mess.

Once again he looked up at the sky. The moon would set, the sun would rise and shine brilliantly onto a brand new day. Life would continue on, maybe a little differently at first, but he would get used to it. He wiped away the salty remnants from his eyes and cheeks. Tomorrow would come soon. He had to be ready to face it. With or without the memories of everyone he loved.He lifted himself from the ground. While waiting for Syo to do the same, he reached a hand out to the moon, pretending that he could actually touch its beautiful glow completely unaware of the two deep, dark, stormy eyes that were watching him from the nearby bush.

33 Do you listen to music when you’re writing?

Yes, I have about twenty playlists on my phone alone, each with a theme of what they help me write. But I play them as quiet as possible

39 Do you base your characters off of real people or not? If so, tell us about one.

I do base some of my characters off of real people. One of my favorite examples is a character I made in high school. He hated being around people but kept popping in and spouting random facts before moving on to a new group. I actually based him on my best friend at the time and his inability to just sit at my table through lunch. Or maybe I made him cause I was jealous that my friend was a great people person and could easily jump around social groups and I wanted to experience that. Who knows.

42 

43 Are you an avid reader

Yes. My goal is to read 50K worth of fan fics a night plus whatever book is nearest on my nightstand

44 Best piece of feedback you’ve ever gotten

I’m a firm believer in all feedback is good feedback, but there are those time when I see something so beautiful that I just cry. This is one of the best that legit brought me to tears from @crystalized-flowers

Then again, every review from her made me cry because  of how amazing she is

48 Favorite genre to write in

 Angst and AUs are my two favorites and my specialties

50 Weirdest story idea you’ve ever had

Me @ Me “Hey, I got it. Let’s make this character a Prince that his father sacrifices to a somewhat evil god who pretty much rapes him after saving him and killing his father.”

Me @ Me “What the fuck is this? You gotta add some other gods in that are equally as evil and give him a harem and make him choose between them all before becoming a god himself after killing the one who originally saved his life.”

Me @ Me again “ Holy shit yes! Let’s also make it very smut filled giving each of the gods a chance to torture him and use him so he wants vengeance and kills them all at the end. And he’ll be the only one left standing in a decimated world that he destroys over petty vengeance. Man, I love hurting my favorite characters.”

Unholy

53 What does writing mean to you

I guess, if I have to be honest, writing is a form of escape to me. I can get away from everything that stresses me out and just make my own world. If I’m hurt I can hurt my characters so my own pain isn’t that bad. 

[feelingjane]

Hi! This is the first part of my very first Fanfiction :D I’m super excited and very nervous too. I want to thank Courtney @shesasurvivor for accepting me as her mentee, also to the lovely ladies of @loveinpanem for giving me the push I needed to start writing.

I hope you like it, I’m going to post it on AO3 soon.

This story is Everlark high school reunion, inspired by the movie “10 years”, you’re gonna find some similar dialogs and other things

All mistakes are mine, I hope is readable because english isn’t my first language, so here it goes!

Never Had

2007

Annie had begged her to come with her to the swimming competition between their team and another high school. She had a new boyfriend from the opposite school and she wanted to see him “Swimming in all his  swimmer-body glory” she said with a dreamy look on her face. Katniss rolled her eyes when she heard it, but even she had to admit that he was actually very good looking, even more so with water dripping all over his toned body. But as soon as the competition was over, she almost run out of the gym, shooting Annie an apologetic smile. It was Friday and she wanted to get home soon.

Katniss  walked to her car, enjoying the crisp autumn air, even if it made her shiver on her light coat and yellow flats. She cursed her obsession with the shoes, but she loved them too much and took every opportunity to wear them. It had been the last item that her dad bought her before dying and she loved having them as a daily reminder of him.

She rummaged through her purse, looking for her car keys, but finding her cigarettes box first. She took it out and grabbed one, lighting it and taking a long drag, enjoying the sensation. It was a filthy habit, but it was something she enjoyed too much to quit.

She had started after the dead of her father, almost a year ago, when she found her mother sitting on the porch in the middle of the night. Katniss had woken up thirsty, when she saw her mother’s silhouette outside. She walked out to ask her if she was ok when she saw the cylinder between her fingers. Her mother looked up and without any questions, she lifted the box and offered her one. Now they shared a smoke every now and then, enjoying a comfortable silence between them.

Katniss had moved to Twelve with her mother and little sister at the beginning of her junior year, almost a year ago, after her dad died of a heart attack. Her mother couldn’t stand being in their old town anymore, deciding it would be good for her and the girls to breathe another air, meet new people and start again, plus her older brother lived nearby. Katniss was against it at first, not being a big fan of change, but seeing the way her mother had started to look healthy again, and her little sister was happy to be near her cousins, it made the moving a little easier. Even when she left someone important behind.

She was reaching her car when she heard footsteps approaching “Katniss!” she heard a deep voice calling her. Her body shivered and her heart skipped  a beat when she turned around and saw him jogging to her. It was annoying, this reaction of hers to him, to this boy. Her stomach flipped and her heart clenched because she shouldn’t be feeling this way. Not with him.

Peeta Mellark had been her classmate on physics since junior year, sitting behind her on every class. He was impossibly bad at it and she made sure of telling him. But the guy had a way of turning all her snarky remarks on a joke that made her fail on her attempts of scowling at him. He was funny and well liked between their classmates. He had deep blue eyes and curly blonde hair that was under a dark blue beanie most of the time, and always with an easy going smile on his face.

Katniss had been a bit reluctant of becoming friends at first. She had left her boyfriend behind in her old town, but they still kept a long distance relationship. Which was a pain in the ass if she was honest, she missed him so much that sometimes when they talked on the phone they ended arguing because of it, because they hadn’t seen each other for so long that they couldn’t even talk about something that wasn’t their relationship and lamenting how far away they were. Katniss felt that she and Gale were slowly deteriorating, but they tried anyway, she loved him and he loved her too.

Which was why being friend with Peeta wasn't the best idea. They had a way of communicating that she had never had with Gale. Peeta was an attentive guy, he noticed when she was in a foul mood and tried to make her smile in class at least once. They also saw one another at the occasional party, joking about their inability of drinking keg beer and secretly sharing a bottle of some peach liquor that Peeta stole from his house. She wondered how he could bring a full bottle of something without going noticed, but once she asked, he just shrugged and served her another drink.

They had fun, they laughed and lately, they had developed the habit of greeting each other with a handshake that made her tingle from head to toe. It had begun innocently enough, she confessed him once that didn’t liked to hug people and preferred a handshake but people often assumed that it was ok to touch each other without permission, and that pissed her off. So Peeta had started to shake her hand instead, an odd gesture to most of their friends, but an endearing one to her.

Little by little, Katniss had started noticing things about him, like they way he got excited telling her a story from his brothers or a new song he had heard. He loved music and arts and was trying to educate her on classic rock bands. Katniss liked the way he made gestures with his hands when he talked and how his eyes shone form every emotion that he was trying to convey.

One afternoon, they met at the library to finish an assignment, she noticed that he had calloused fingers and even some small injuries, so she reached for his hands, without even thinking. He turned sharply to her, eyes wide. She realized her actions and tried to act nonchalantly, asking him what he did to get those.

“I’m learning to play guitar” he answered, she retrieved her hand from his and folded them on her lap. He cleared his throat “I’m not very good” he said in a self-deprecating way.

Katniss looked at him, lifting her eyebrows. “Don’t let that stop you, if you want to play, you shouldn’t quit because you’re not good at first” she said. Peeta gave her a shy smile and kept working. She caught him looking at her from time to time, but decided to ignore it.

Now, in the parking lot, she couldn’t stop all the emotions running through her, so she gave him her best smile. “Hey, Peeta” she greeted him, taking a smoke of her cigarette. Peeta trusted his hand and she shook it.

“Hey” he smiled at her “Are you going already? Some of us are going to Delly’s house, why don’t you come?” he said in a rush. Katniss crooked an eyebrow at him, amused. Peeta flushed deeply and shook his head, laughing a little, he took a deep breath and asked her again “Would you like to come?”

Katniss liked Delly, she was the first student to greet her, and showed her around school. She had gone to a few of her parties, but the fact that Peeta was asking her to go, made her stomach twist in guilt. She wanted to go, but she knew she shouldn’t

“I, ah…well I can’t” she said. Peeta visibly deflated, his shoulders sagging a little.

“Oh, yeah of course, you must have something to do, right? Like…talk with your boyfriend or something” he looked at the ground, stuffing his hand on the pocket of his hoodie. Katniss finished her cigarette and stomped her yellow flats against the stub. Peeta looked up again, seeing that Katniss hadn’t answered yet. “You guys are still a thing?” he asked her, his blue eyes looking right to her.

Katniss cleared her throat. This was uncomfortable, she had a boyfriend who loved her, back at her old town. But here, right in front of her, was the funniest guy she had ever met, he was sweet and smart and right now, she was melting at the sight of his curls peeking out from his beanie, the way his hoodie wrapped around his shoulder and the perfect fit of his jeans. His smile now was  more cautious. She hated that deep down, she knew how he felt, but she couldn’t do anything about it, she had a boyfriend. She had a boyfriend she repeated like a mantra.

“Yeah…he was going to call tonight” she answered. She felt restless, she needed to breathe or a cigarette to calm her down. She took another one from her purse, lightening it fast, taking a long smoke. Peeta kept looking at her, his eyes showing her a different emotion she couldn’t pick. He blinked a few times, smiling at her again

“Well, can I walk you to your car while you burn your lungs?” he teased. Katniss nodded her head, walking slowly next to him. “Have you seen him lately? Your boyfriend?”

“No, he’s working at his dad store, saving money for college” she said. It was the discussion they had every time they talked. He wanted them to go to the same school and live together, something Katniss wasn’t so sure anymore, if she had this feelings for the person walking next to her, she thought their relationship wasn’t very strong. Or she was a shitty girlfriend, that was the thing that made more sense now, but she couldn’t admit it yet.

“Where are you going to college?” he asked her.

“I haven’t decided yet…but not so far from here” she said “I have the feeling I’m one of those really nostalgic students who are going home every weekend” she smiled. He was silent, just walking and nodding his head. She couldn’t see his eyes or his face. “What about you?”

Peeta shrugged “I don’t know, maybe I’ll go to New York with my brother” he said. She knew his older brother lived there, working as a lawyer and making a lot of money. “I would like to explore my options before making a decision, you know?” he turned to look at her, his demeanor serious. Katniss stopped walking, they had reached her car.

“Yeah, that’s-that’s a good choice” she stammered. Why was she so nervous all of the sudden? “This is my car” she pointed lamely to her old green car. She threw away her cigarette and scratched her neck nervously.

They stood there, in front of her car looking at each other. She felt a rush of longing, but she quickly drowned it, she couldn’t feel this way, she was not going to break anyone’s heart with her stupid reactions. It must be just stress or hormones, she tried to convince herself. She shivered, feeling all her emotions running through her veins. Peeta took off his beanie suddenly, reaching her and putting it on her head. Katniss looked at him, startled by his proximity. He looked at her with a similar expression, like he couldn’t believe himself.

“Oh, I’m sorry” he whispered, his hands still on the beanie. He slowly let go of the garment, his hands going to her hair, caressing her tresses between his fingers. Katniss heartbeat was fast now, her eyes wide, looking at him. “You look cold, this should help” he said softly, his hands now resting on her shoulders, squeezing her lightly. She shivered again. He wasn’t that much taller than her,  so his mouth was in level with her forehead and she could feel his warm breath fanning on her face.

“Thank you” she whispered. They were so close, she could count the freckles on the bridge of his nose. She noticed that his eyelashes were long and lighter than his hair. She looked up to see that his curls were pointing everywhere, the static giving him a funny look. Unconsciously, her hands darted right to his hair, trying to smooth it down. She heard his sharp breathe intake. That took her out of her trance , her eyes widening at how close and intimate they were, leaning to each other, a magnetic pull between them.

She should stop, take her hands off his hair and get in her car. But she couldn’t move, she kept running her hands through his curls. Peeta took a deep breath, moving his hands from her shoulders to her waist, grasping her lightly.

“Katniss…” he whispered, his eyes now hooded. She closed her eyes and shook her head, her hands reaching the curls at the base of his head, her fingers caressing his neck. She felt him shudder. His body heat was making her dizzy, her mind focused on him, his smell, his skin, so soft under her fingertips. The way his mouth was only inches away from her was driving her crazy too. “Katniss” he tried again, squeezing her waist. She leaned on his chest, pressing her cheek against it, feeling his strong heartbeat beneath. She tried to calm herself, breathe in and out, willing her heart to slow down.

“I’m sorry, Peeta” she apologized, it seemed like the right thing to say. But sorry for what? For not going to the party or for having a boyfriend? She added “I’m sorry that I can’t go to Delly’s”. His hands slowly went to her back, pressing her against him, she lowered her hands from his neck and grasped his shoulders. This was all she could give him, a hug, nothing else. She had a commitment.

“It’s ok…don’t worry” he whispered, his hands caressed her back, entwining his fingers through her hair. They stood like that for a few seconds, feeling each other, their breathing and warm body heat. She felt his scent, like a soft cologne and clean laundry. There was something else too, a smell she couldn’t pinpoint. She supposed that was his natural smell, it made her bury herself closer to him. No, she couldn't do this, what was she doing? It wasn’t fair for anyone. She felt her throat tighten with guilt, her stomach giving her something close to nausea.

She took a shuddering breath and looked up, trying her best to smile at him and not break at the sight of his sad, deep blue eyes looking down at her. He gave her small, lopsided smile, shrugging his shoulders. They released each other, an understatement passing between them.

“I should go” she said. Peeta just nodded his head, looking down and stuffing his hands on his hoodie, a rush of wind messing with his curls again. Her hands reached her head to take off the beanie, when Peeta looked up and took a step back, putting his hands in front of him

“No, please, just…take it, it’s cold. Just bring it back on Monday, Everdeen” he said with a teasing  tone. She placed it down her head again and turned to open her car. She thought of getting in and take off speeding through the parking lot as fast as she could. But she turned and looked at him.

“Have fun at Delly’s” she said, trying to lighten up the mood.

Peeta shook his head, giving her a sad smile. “I hope he knows how lucky he is” he said, and turned around to leave. Katniss remained there, looking at him walking away from her. She swallowed a lump through her throat. She was stressed, that was it. And she needed to be alone for a while. That was it.

She got to her house after an hour and a half of wandering around the town, eating ice cream and chain smoking at a park. She had to do something, she couldn’t do this to Gale, her boyfriend who loved her so much that wanted to be with her in a few months, saving to get an apartment together. And she couldn’t even convince herself of calling him. What kind of girlfriend am I?

She parked her car and reached for her purse, taking out her silenced cellphone, she winced thinking of the amount of missing calls she was going to see, after ignoring it completely since leaving the swimming competition. To her surprise, there was nothing there. Weird, she thought. Fridays were the day when Gale got out of work early and called her for almost an hour each week.

She got out of her car and reached her door. As soon as she opened, she saw him, sitting on her couch with Prim. Gale.

He turned to look at her, his expression loving and bright, grinning from ear to ear at her. He stood up fast and walked to her, cradling her face between his warm hands and lowering his mouth to her, kissing her for the first time in months. Her arms reached to his shoulders and she felt her heartbeat pick. She distantly heard Prim sighing. She broke the kiss, looking at Gale for the first time. She smiled to him, looking at his handsome face. His eyes were soft and his smile big, she hadn’t seen him this happy in a long time. She started to laugh and reached to hug him, he pressed her against him, lifting her of the ground playfully.

“What are you doing here?” she asked. He let her go, rubbing his hands up and down her arms.

“I missed you, so I got here, we have dinner reservations by the way” he replied. He then looked up, to her head. Katniss felt her stomach drop. The beanie. He frowned a little, but his expression was amused “This is new, I didn’t know you liked this color” he said, reaching for it. Katniss ripped it from her head, throwing it to the couch quickly, before he could touch it or ask more questions about it.

“I missed you too” she said. And it was true, seeing him brought up all those repressed feelings she had. It was hard being long distance, she missed him so much that she tried to drown all her love for him. Gale caressed her hair and she closed her eyes, leaning into him, hugging him hard and pressing her cheek on his chest, feeling his heartbeat. This was what she needed, to see her boyfriend and to trust her love for him. After all, Peeta was just a classmate.

Right?

[wildheartcoach]

What the world needs now

BE THE CHANGE

You have no doubt heard this message in various formats before: "Be the change you wish to see in the world," or "to change the world, start with yourself."

It sounds very wise and clear-minded. What does this mean, however? Do you even agree with this sentiment? 

Some who read this might respond with some anger: "What do you mean, I need to change myself? I'm not the problem, here!"

But the truth is that you are. You just don't realize it. If fact, if you are angry or hurt, you are suffering. And if you are suffering, then your world will seem like a place of pain. Let me use a recent event to explain what I mean.

 ONE-SIDED DIALOG (or rumination)

This past week the world witnessed a horrific massacre, caused by one human being, and many innocent lives were lost. The news media goes into depth about the homicidal maniac who caused this destruction. Meanwhile, we're left with so many questions. 

Why do people do things like mass murder? How was he able to buy so many guns? What can we do to prevent such a thing from happening again?

Most of all, what was he thinking? 

These are concepts that we can't make sense of. Mentally, it can cause quite a lot of inner turmoil. For some, it keeps them up at night. I know when I have been hurt by people's actions, my mind can go into a one-sided dialog. In my fantasy I'm talking to the person: 

"What were you thinking when you said or did that?" [Silence]

"Can't you see what your action caused?" [Silence]

"How can you be so uncaring?" [Silence]

And on and on, with no chance at all of my questions ever being answered. I'm having a non-existent conversation with someone who isn't even aware I'm having it.

Who gets to suffer as a result? Me. I don't get any sleep. Stuck in this loop, my mind ratchets up my anger or frustration. In spite of the action I take (the fantasy conversation), it is all in my head and nothing gets resolved. 

So why do I do it? Because I believe I'm doing the right thing by trying to discover the answer. If I think about the issue long enough, maybe I can solve the problem. It may also be a way for me to protect myself from going through this in the future.

"We obsess about the past because we're worried about the future."

 PRODDED TO RESPOND

This is how the mind works. At least, unconsciously.

Circumstances in your life drive your thought patterns, thoughts drive emotions, and emotions drive actions. Quite simply, we are not amoebas, but thinking and feeling creatures. When we are prodded, we don't just move and that's that. We are prodded, we have a thought about that, we feel something such as anger or fear and then we act based on our belief that we are doing the right thing.

On a primal level, responses are our defense mechanisms. It's that natural fight, flight or freeze response. We do what we need to, to protect ourselves or our loved ones. Often we do it without thinking. At times, this kind of response can save lives.

That's all well and good if you have a healthy and values-based way of thinking about the world. A man who does not value life, has no need to protect life or his loved ones. He sees only one way out: destruction of life. In other words, destruction of self.

 YOU DON'T HAVE TO SUFFER THE WAY YOU DO

Here's the thing: we don't all have to suffer like this. We have a choice. Even when a massacre or equally heart-wrenching event takes place. 

I'm not saying to stick your head in the sand and pretend none of this is happening.

The truth is that there are things that hurt us on a physical level. Gun shots. Violence. 

Then there is pain caused by negative thoughts. Mental illness is a by-product of ruminating on negative thoughts over and over. The reason why we can't let these thoughts go is because we haven't been able to process them. We haven't come to grips with them, so they haunt us over and over. Each time we think about them, they hurt us all over again. 

It's like having suffered a physical wound in the past. Rather than let it heal, we open that wound up again and again. We recreate the pain it caused long ago by putting our attention on it in the present.

Is what we're doing to ourselves any less harmful than what a man with a gun is doing? A man with a gun might shoot us once, the bullet hits. If we're lucky, we survive and it's done and in the past. With mental turmoil, we are harming ourselves over and over and over again. 

 RESISTANCE

Martha Beck says: 

"Resisting what we can't control removes us from reality, rendering our emotions, circumstances and loved ones inaccessible. The result is a terrible loneliness, which we usually blame on our failure to get what we want."

What she is saying is that resistance to the truth of the present and past causes the painful emotions, such as rage. Acceptance and surrender allow you to let it go.

A man who shot over 500 people perhaps felt resistance to what he had or didn't have in his life. We know now that his father was in jail when he was a child. He may have felt victimized by it, felt it was unfair. Each new failing by someone in his life may have re-triggered that wound.

The man who killed those people did not feel any kind of compassion, but he also wasn't an unfeeling monster. He was not detached from the pain in the world. He was part of it and a victim of it, as much as he was an aggressor. It was his inability to deal with the pain in his internal world that led him to do the unthinkable.

 WILL YOU GIVE UP YOUR MIND ALSO?

The Dalai Lama was once asked about how he felt about the situation in his homeland of Tibet. The interviewer wanted to know if he was angry about the Chinese taking over his country and killing his citizens. Was he angry about the fact that he was now living in exile, in India? The answer the Dalai Lama gave was: No. The Chinese took my country and people from me. Why would I also give them my mind?

It is natural to want to get answers to things that make no sense to the rational mind. It is natural to be angry about unfairness and senseless killings and harm being done. But what good does it do?

 Compassion

So what is the answer? I want to offer a solution by sharing a quote from Dr. Chris Germer of the Harvard Medical School, a doctor of psychology. He said this (paraphrased):

Compassion means "to suffer with." Each person in the world suffers. If we want to practice compassion, we have to see the pain behind the poison. How do we cultivate a deeper vision to see more deeply into another human being? The answer is having the capacity to see more deeply in ourselves. Part of compassion is that we can recognize that there are many parts of us. To connect to the different parts of ourselves allows us to open ourselves to others not in our vision of the world. Hold up your own struggle. That doesn’t mean that any behavior is ok. We need to act in the world to respond to injustice. The tricky thing is not to conflate self-acceptance with action in the world or fierce compassion. The more self-compassion, the more willingness and strength to make a change in the world. We don’t have the power when we don’t feel the pain. When we’re open to the pain, saying 'this hurts,' then we’re firmly in our own body and have the possibility or clarity to solve that hurt. When we ruminate, we’re experience avoidance of the direct experience. What does it take to hold awfulness? It takes a lot of kindness.

A RESPONSE YOU CAN LIVE WITH

If we continue to allow the anger, the bitterness, and the questions to keep us up at night, then we are not doing ourselves any good. In fact, we are doing very much what the man who killed those innocent people in Vegas did. We are allowing our minds to obsess about conclusions we have made about the world and then get riled up and angry. If we get angry or desperate enough, who knows what irrational actions we might take?

No rational solutions can be found when we are in a state of anger or pain. 

You can only change your response to circumstances by changing your internal dialog. That is how you change the world.

"What the world needs now." (song)

If you have any questions about this or want to find a way to detach yourself from negative thoughts that cause you needless suffering, please call me at 781.583.8242.