#a little stupid for crying because i know im going to give myself a headache | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

leossmoonn · 4 years ago

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Unexpected Love [Kai Parker] || Part Two

masterlist | part one

pairing - kai parker x fem, human!reader

type - fluff, angst

note - read the first part, this cannot be read as a standalone! if you have read the first part then welcome back, thank you for reading the second part. so this part will be more focused on kai and the readers relationship and definitely all fiction lol (aka no actual scenes from the show) :) and part 3 is at the end!

summary - you and kai fall in love over a period of time after spending time with each other in the prison world

warnings / includes - language, alcohol, crying, fighting, mention/thinking of suicide, family trauma, lot of flirting in this one, suggestive, f/f = favorite flavour (of ice cream) lol

————

*gif isn't mine* (ugh hes so fine im dying)

I sat up straight and gasped, my eyes flying right open. I looked around frantically, sharp pain shooting right through my chest.

“Ow,” I whined, pressing my hand gently to my side.

“Oh, yeah. The first time you die here, it’ll hurt. I bet it’s not any different from what that ring does for you, though,” Kai’s voice ringed next to me.

My head snapped to him, memories of what he did to me flooding back.

“Get away from me!” I shouted, getting up out of the bed I was in.

“I did you a favour, Y/n. You should thank me!” He exclaimed.

“What favour! You robbed me of my only chance of getting home. Now we have no magic and the ascendent is broken!”

“Stop shouting. Ugh, you’re giving me a headache,” he whined.

I gave him a death glare. “You’re the one with the headache. You’re the one- I just… I’m going for a walk.”

I stomped out of the room, running down the stairs. I heard Kai’s footsteps from behind me. I walked as fast as I could without feeling any pain. Kai seemed to be full on sprinting, though, because he grabbed my wrist.

“Let me go!” I exclaimed. “Please, Y/n. I’m sorry,” Kai pleaded.

I jerked my body away from him. “Shove it, Malachai. If you want me to forgive you, then you better leave me alone right now.”

He looked at me with wide, fearful eyes. I didn’t wait for him to say anything. I turned on my heel and made my way out of the house and back to the woods. I stomped the whole way there, my hands balled in tight fists. My fingernails dug into my skin as tears stained my cheeks. I just could not believe Kai. I knew he was a sociopath and a dick, but I didn’t think he would try to rob me of my chance at happiness. It was stupid how I thought he would even think about someone else and not himself. Sometimes he made it seem like he did care, though. It also seemed as my attraction to him from the first time we met was still there. I needed to get rid of it. I needed to find a way to get out here. Without Kai.

I stopped walking as I realised I was deep in the woods. The cool breeze flew around me, calming me down. I closed my eyes and breathed out the air that I had been holding in. I opened my eyes to stare at the sky. It was a cloudless afternoon with bright sunshine. It was always like this. For the past few months this was all I had seen. I was more than sick of it. I wanted rain. Snow. Hail. Anything else but the sunshine for once.

I released my hands from their fists, reaching my right hand up to my side where Bonnie’s jacket still was. I let out a strangled, but happy sound. I unwrapped it from my body, seeing that it had a huge red blood spot that was mine. I ignored it and held it up to my face, hugging it closely to my chest.

“I’m getting out of here. I’m going home,” I promised to myself.

I stayed in the woods until the sun started to set. I spent my time walking around some more, making up a plan. I knew how the ascendent looked before it was broken, and I was sure that Bonnie’s grimoire, that was thankfully still here, had a diagram of some sort, too. I could just build it back up. I took a shop class in high school and used to build cars with my dad, so I was quite the mechanic. Getting it to work without magic was the hard part, though. I needed a Bennett witch to access the spell. I knew Kai still had some of Bonnie’s magic in him, but I couldn’t risk telling him the plan and having it work, only for him to leave me here again. Plus, it’s not like having him use Bonnie’s magic would actually work. He wasn't actually a Bennett. He just happened to have her magic in him.

I opened the door and stepped into the Salvatore house, looking around for Kai. I smiled, relieved that I couldn’t spot him anywhere. I shut the door behind me, kicking off my shoes and going to the liquor cabinet, popping off the top of a bottle of whiskey. I didn’t bother with a cup, I just downed it straight. The liquor burned my throat as I strutted to the kitchen, going over to the CD player and putting on Toni Braxton’s ‘Another Sad Love Song’.

I danced around and got out the ingredients for a strawberry cake. As Toni’s song came to an end, I heard the front door open. I groaned loudly, my mood dropping immediately. I left the kitchen to see what Kai was up to. I laughed incredulously as I saw him carrying multiple duffle bags and a backpack.

“Are you seriously moving in?” I asked.

“Yep,” he nodded. “What part of ‘leave me alone’ do you not understand? Do I need to spell it out for you so it can get through your thick skull?” I snapped, taking ahold of his arm and dragging him back to the front door.

“I understand!” He exclaimed. “Good. Then you’ll get out,” I sneered, pushing him out the door. I went to shut it, but his arm held the door open.

“I will smash your hand in this door,” I threatened.

“Yeah, I know, but hear me out. I can help you get back,” Kai said.

I scoffed, “I don’t want nor need your help. Get out.” I pushed the door further in his face. He dropped his bags and used both hands to keep it open.

“I know you don’t trust me and you have no reason to, but please. I still have Bonnie’s magic in me and I can fix the ascendent with her magic,” he begged. He pouted and put on his puppy dog face.

“No,” I said without any hesitation. “You get out of my life, okay? If I ever see you, hear you, or even smell you, you’re dead, okay?”

His eyes then filled with anger and frustration. “Fine!” He exclaimed. “You know, I only even wanted to help you because I want to get out of here. We both know that I would have only left you here alone.”

“Glad we’re on the same page, then,” I smiled sourly. “See you never.” And with that, I slammed the door in his face.

I sighed deeply, smiling in satisfaction. I went back to the kitchen and resumed my cake making.

A few hours later and I was finishing the last pieces of cake, and watching Forrest Gump.

“Life is like a box of chocolates, huh,” I muttered. “First I’m a regular girl with human friends and a family. And now I’m a girl who who has no family, vampires, werewolves, and witches for friends, and who is stuck in a never-ending prison world!”

I rolled my head around the couch ledge, my eyes looking out the window. It was pitch black now. The stars were shining brightly, many of them twinkling.

“Mom, Dad, Jenny, Andrew. Bonnie and Damon. If you’re out there, please help me. Send someone or something. I-I can’t do this alone, and I definitely don’t want Kai’s help. Please help me,” I cried out. I hugged a couch pillow and Bonnie’s jacket.

I hope someone could hear me up there. Otherwise I was screwed.

————

3 months later and I was still stuck in this hell-hole. Well, at least I think it had been 3 months. Ever since Kai kept me here, I had been counting the days. It had been approximately 90 days, give or take. I was beginning to think this was actually my own personal instead of Kai’s.

Speaking of Kai, he actually had been pretty good of avoiding me. In these 90 days, I have only ran into him twice. Once was while I was going for a morning jog and the other was when I was venturing into town, walking to the Mystic Grill and all the shops. During my stay, I have also been documenting my days with an old video camera I found. I knew that I would get out, but just in case, I would be able to have all those memories saved and if I died somehow and never came back and someone else got trapped here, they could see the glamorous life of Y/n L/n. Or what was left of it at least.

Today was going to be different, though. For the past few months, I had been sitting in my bedroom for most of the week, crying, talking to myself, screaming at the world. I had even considered killing myself once or twice, but I knew that I would only wake up in more pain and sadness. Every day I prayed and hoped for someone to come and find me. For my friends to find out a way to get to me, even though they didn’t have the ascendent or anything. It seems as more days past, the less and less hopeful I got, though. So, I decided that the only way I was getting out of here was to do it myself, regardless if I wasn’t a magical being.

And so right now, I was trying to build the ascendent. I was almost there, actually. It was just these little parts that were so frustrating to put back together.

“Go together, dammit!” I exclaimed out of frustration.

I put the device down, running my hands over my face, thinking of a solution. Maybe I should ask Kai for help.

No. That would only end up with me screaming at him the whole time and potentially killing him.

But he probably still had some go Bonnie’s magic left. He could help me get out. And plus, I could just push him away last minute when we go through the portal.

I groaned out of annoyance. I didn’t know what the right answer was. I thought I did. I thought I could do this by myself. But it turns out I can’t. It’s a lot harder than I thought and the fact that I’m a human doesn’t help either. I bit my lip in thought, racking my brain for an answer.

“You have to ask him to help, Y/n. It’s the only way,” I sighed to myself.

I got up from my seat and put on my shoes and jacket. I went out of the house and got into Damon’s Chevy, driving it to Kai’s house. I clenched the steering wheel until my knuckles turned white as I parked in his driveway. Just the thought of seeing him made my stomach churn. Thing was, I didn’t quite know if it churned in a good way or bad.

I stepped out of the car, putting the keys in my jacket pocket. I walked up to the door and gave it a good 3 knocks. A waited a few minutes, but no answer. I knocked a few more times and waited another few minutes. Still no answer.

“Seriously?!” I whined, raising my hand to pound on the door, but Kai’s voice stopped me.

“What are you doing here?”

I turned around and saw him carrying grocery bags.

“Oh. Good, you’re here,” I said, stepping down from his porch.

“You never answered my question. What are you doing here?” He asked.

“I need your help,” I confessed.

His lips upturned into a smile. He let out a laugh. “Wow. Princess Y/n has gotten over her pride, huh?”

“And sociopathic Parker still harasses me with nicknames, huh?”

Kai frowned and walked up to the porch, passing by me and unlocking his house.

“Sorry,” I sighed, following him into his house. “Will you please help me?”

“Hm, let me think about it,” he said, setting the grocery bags down. “No.”

I rolled my eyes. “C’mon! You barely thought about it. Why not?”

“Because I hate you,” he shrugged. “Why? What have I done to you?” I scoffed.

“Well, first of all you slammed a door in my face. Second, whenever we run into each other, you act like I murdered your whole family. And third, you denied my help before, but now you want it? I think not,” he explained.

“Look, I’m sorry. I really, really am, but I know for a fact that you want to get out. I want to, too! But I’ve learned that we can’t get out without each other. I’m sorry I let my pride take over me. So please help me,” I begged and apologised.

Kai grinned at me. “I love this.” “Love what?” I asked.

“I love seeing you beg,” he said, his voice dropping low. He started to walk towards me slowly. Stalking me like I was his prey.

I backed away from him, my eyes trained on him. I let out a huff as my back hit a wall. My eyes widened and stared into his menacing eyes.

“I love seeing you beg for me. Begging for my help like the helpless little human you are,” he muttered.

He arms went around your sides, trapping in-between him and the wall. I breathed out heavily and shakily, averting my eyes.

“I’m not helpless,” I protested. He smirked down at him, his eyes lighting up. “You sure about that, princess?”

The way he stressed my pet name set my fire to my heart, and set my stomach flipping. He head hung low. So low that I could fell his breath on my lips. I felt his knee nudge my thigh and that’s when I stopped breathing. I could fell myself slowly melting into a puddle right in front of him.

“You gonna answer me, sweetheart, or are you just gonna stand there gawking at me?” He chuckled.

I swallowed hard. “N-No.”

“Then answer me,” he teased me. “Y-Yeah… I’m sure about that,” I whispered.

He hummed in reply. I let my eyes roam his face and set on his lips.

“Offer is still there,” he said. “What offer?” I asked.

“The offer to kiss me. Remember when I offered when we first met?”

“O-Oh, yeah,” I stuttered, beginning to catch my breath

“The offer’s still there if you wanna take it.” My eyes flickered back up to his. I shook my head furiously. “I-I don’t want to take it.”

“Oh, I think you do,” he grinned.

I then snapped out of my daze, putting my hand on shoulders and pushing back. “I said no.”

“Alright, alright,” he held his hand up in defense, backing further away from me.

“Now you’ve had your fun, will you help me?” I asked, running my fingers through my hair.

“I guess so,” he shrugged. My eyes lit up, “Really? Oh, my God! Yes!”

I jumped up and went to hug him, wrapping my arms around him. I engulfed him tightly, entangling my fingers in his hair. It was surprisingly soft.

“This feels nice,” Kai sighed.

I groaned, “Okay. Moment ruined.” I pulled away, stepping back a good few feet.

“You hugged me first,” he shrugged. “Yeah, yeah, whatever. Alright, so when do you want to get started?” I asked.

“After dinner,” he answered. “But it’s 2 pm,” I said.

“I know. But how about you and me have dinner together,” Kai explained.

“I thought you hated me?” I asked. “Oh, I do. I definitely do. That’s why I want to have dinner with you. I know just how to push your buttons. You’re so cute when mad,” he grinned.

I growled at him. “And you are so annoying.” “See! So cute,” Kai scrunched his nose.

“I bet it’ll be cute when I give you a black eye,” I muttered.

“It'd like to see you try. Anyways, if you want my help, then you’ll come to dinner with me,” Kai shrugged.

I sighed, “Fine. What time? What do I need to cook?”

“7 PM. And nope, I’ll cook.”

“O-Oh, really? You cook?”

“Yep,” he grinned proudly.

“Hm… Well, good to know. Anyways, I’ll be here at 7,” I said, making my way towards the door.

“Make sure to dress up! This is gonna be fancy!” Kai called out.

“Noted!” I exclaimed, stepping out of the house. I shut the door behind me, exhaling heavily. “Now you got a date with the town’s psycho, Y/n. Good going.”

I strutted over to the car, getting in and driving back to my place. I read a few books to pass the time until I had to get ready. I got done with Twilight: Eclipse, as I actually had already started that the other day, and I went ahead and started to read more into Bonnie’s grams’s grimoire.

It was all so fascinating, really. I was so amazed by just the spells themselves, I didn’t even consider the history of all of them. While reading the grimoire, I started to feel a little jealous of the fact that Bonnie’s a witch, and the fact that I’m a human with a ring that keeps me alive whenever I got killed. I almost started to feel jealous of Damon and Tyler, but I knew that I never would want to be a monster. Being a witch would seem nice, though. Not like Kai, though.

After a little heavy reading, I checked the clock. It was 5:49, which meant that I had to start getting ready. I put a bookmark in place in the grimoire and got up off the couch, heading up the stairs. I turned on the shower and got undressed.

I took off my sweatpants and socks, followed by my shirt. As I reached for my shirt overhead, the front of it brushed my nose. An unfamiliar, but calming scent filled my nose. I slipped the rest of the shirt off, turning it back right side out and held it up to my nose. I closed my eyes and breathed the scent in. It smelled like mint, paper of old books, and a little like grape jam. As soon as the grape jam smell came to me, I immediately knew who this scent belonged to.

“Ew!” I shrieked and threw the shirt across the room. It landed in the laundry basket, luckily enough. I let out a gagging noise, taking off my underwear and getting in the shower quickly.

I took my time washing up. Taking a shower seemed to be the only place I could really let go and bask in the quiet and loneliness that was in this house. It was strange because it was always quiet and lonely in this house. This was my only time to truly relax since I was doing everything to keep my busy during the day, so I wouldn’t start crying and throwing a fit about still being here.

I lathered my body with shampoo, giving myself a little massage on my shoulders. I closed my eyes and started to imagine what life would be like if I wasn’t stuck in 1994.

I would be with my friends, obviously. We would be at Whitmore, trying to live a normal life. Caroline, Elena, Bonnie and I would be having a picnic on campus. Sipping iced teas and eating sometime of desert. Damon would probably be with us, considering that Elena can’t be without Damon for more than 10 minutes without dying - literally. Stefan would most definitely be there. He’s my best friend, so of course he would be there. He would be talking to Caroline, though, her hogging all of his attention because she likes him (though she always denied it). And maybe Jeremy would be there, too, for Bonnie. Holding her hand and cuddling up next to her like the cute couple they are. And me? Well, I didn’t really have anybody special in my life. I actually had a thing with Kol Mikaelson before he died. I liked Tyler briefly in high school, but I’m 100% sure he’s into the girl that works at the coffee shop at Whitmore. Matt wasn’t my type at all. Neither was Enzo. Maybe I had a cute boy a Whitmore on my arm. A classmate that I had invited to the picnic. Someone cute, smart, funny… a little crazy. Maybe… Maybe Kai.

My eyes snapped open as I became aware that Kai was now in my fantasy. I couldn’t help but shudder, even with the hot water running on my skin. I washed the rest of my body, focusing on anything else but Kai. I turned off the water, wrapping a towel around me. I dried my skin off as I walked to the sink, putting on lotion and re-brushing my teeth. I stepped back into my bedroom and put on a nude-coloured underwear set. It was simple and very, very comfortable. I then went over to my closet, looking for an outfit to wear. I shuffled through all my shirts, not being able to find one that I liked. I sighed in slight frustration, stepping back to try and see if anything stuck out to me.

A little, annoying voice - that sounded much like my mother’s - sounded in the back of my head.

Maybe you can’t decide on an outfit because you like him and want to look nice for him.

I scoffed loudly, shaking my head. “No. I definitely do not care. That’s why I’m just gong to wear this.” I reached into my closet and pulled out a simple dark-turquoise dress. It was spaghetti-strapped and plunged a little bit at the neckline. It reached down just above my knees. Perfect for dinner with an… associate.

I slipped it on and back to the bathroom and did my hair, putting it in one of my favourite hairstyles. I then got out some makeup products. I put on a light coat of foundation and concealer, curling my eyelashes and brushing them up with mascara. I then shaped my eyebrows and filled in the sparce parts, dusting on some blush and putting on chapstick. I looked in the mirror, stepping back to look at my appearance. I cringed as it looked like I was going on a date. I shook those thoughts out of my head. I wasn’t dressing up for him, I was dressing up for myself. There’s no shame in wanting to look nice for yourself.

I went back into the bedroom and found a pair of black heels. I slipped them on, going over to the dresser and putting on a few gold bracelets and a pair of earrings. I re-adjusted my necklace that I was already wearing. I looked at my reflection and smiled. For once, I felt and looked good. I grabbed a black jacket and walked out of my room, checking the time once again. I had 10 minutes to get his house, which was perfect.

I went out of the house and to the Chevy, driving to Kai’s house. I parked in the driveway, my heart beginning to race. I let out a few deep breaths and go out of the car. As soon as I was about to knock, the door swung wide open.

The door revealed Kai who was wearing a white button-up shirt and dark-blue slacks. He actually looked… nice, for once. My eyes traveled around his chest. I couldn’t help but notice the way his biceps strained against his shirt. I could literally see his abs through the shirt, too. It did not help butterflies that were starting to flutter in my stomach.

“Like what you see?” He smirked.

My eyes flew up to his face, taking a deep breath to calm myself down from all the excitement I was feeling.

“No,” I said flatly, going into the house and brushing past Kai.

“Well, you look nice,” he said as I walked into his kitchen.

“Thanks. You do, too,” I complimented genuinely.

“I’ve never seen you in a dress before. You should wear them more often.”

“I don’t like dresses.”

“But you like me. That’s why you wore one to our date?”

I balled my hands in fists, turning around to face him. “One, this is not a date. And two, girls can wear dresses for themselves, not for men like you.”

Kai grinned widely at me. I realised I had fallen into his trap. He was trying to push my buttons and so far, he's been successful. I couldn't let him win, though. I had to calm down and get through this night. Otherwise I would probably never be getting out.

“Your temper is almost as bad as Damon’s,” Kai remarked.

I sighed, “Well you’re not making it easy to stay calm.”

“I know,” he chuckled, walking past me and to the dinner table. “I hope you like ravioli and mushrooms.”

“Did you make these or buy them?” I asked, walking towards the kitchen table.

“Made them. The Salvatores have lots of cook books. I might have stole them before you came,” he explained.

"Well, it smells great,” I admitted, beginning to take off my jacket.

“Glad you think so. Here, let me get this for you,” he slid over to me and took the jacket off my shoulders. He folded it and put it on the ledge of his couch.

“Thanks,” I said. He then pulled my chair out for me. I sat down, thanking him this time with a smile.

“Wine?” He asked, bringing a bottle over. “Yeah, sure,” I nodded.

He poured two glasses and placed one in front of me. He sat down and took a knife and fork.

“Dig in,” he offered. “This isn’t filled with like, cyanide, right?” I asked half-jokingly.

“Ha-ha. No. I worked really hard on these,” he said.

“Hm,” I hummed. I cut one of the raviolis in half and popped on in my mouth. My eyes widened as it tasted a lot better than I expected.

“Good, right?” Kai smiled.

“Very,” I nodded once I swallowed.

We ate in silence for a few moments. I was itching to talk to him about getting home. I took a long sip of wine before beginning to take.

“So um…. I’ve started to re-build the ascendent. It’s a lot harder than it looks, but I’m really close. I just have-”

“No,” Kai said suddenly. I furrowed my brows, “What?” “No, we aren’t going to talk about that just yet. I want to get to know you,” he explained.

I rolled my eyes. “Why? All you need to know is my name and that I hate living here.”

He chuckled, “Not true. I have trust issues. So before I get involved with you, I need to know I can trust you. See, I didn’t trust Damon or Bonnie. I knew that they hated me from the second they met me. I knew that no matter what I would do, they would never give in to trusting me. You, however, you are so trusting. Didn’t you find it creepy that I, a strange man whom you met in a parking lot, offered you a ride?”

“Oh. I-I mean, I guess? But I needed a ride, anyways,” I said.

He shook his head with a smile. “No. Not a good enough reason. Any reasonable woman would have run away from me. You, though… You saw something good in me, didn’t you? You thought I was nice and cute. Maybe a little too forthcoming, but still you put some trust in me. And if you can trust me, maybe I can learn to trust you.”

“Is that why you didn’t let me go with them?” I asked, suddenly connecting the dots.

“Part of the reason. I knew that I had no chance of getting home with Damon and Bonnie. But with you, I knew that I had a chance. Even though you are just a human.” “I am more than that,” I argued.

“And I’m sure you are! But you see, I don’t know that for sure because I don’t know anything about you. See what I’m getting at here?” “Yeah, I see,” I grumbled. “Great! So let’s start with the first question. Why do you always wear that necklace?” He pointed to my neck.

“It was a gift,” I explained shortly, hoping he would notice the edge in my voice.

“From who?” He asked, the corners of his lips upturning in a smirk.

Of course he noticed. He just wasn’t going to stop.

“Family member.” “C’mon, you gotta give me more. I can’t help you if I don't trust you.” I slammed my fork down on the table. “So? There’s a lot of people in the world that you don’t trust fully, but sometimes you just have to help them! Like in school, you may not trust one of your classmates personally, but if they ask you for help on a math problem, you would help them, right? And plus, I don’t trust you. I never did, for the record. I just really want to get out of this place, which now I am believing is my personal hell, not your’s, but I can’t do that without you!”

Kai took a bite of his ravioli, taking his sweet time to chew and swallow. I clenched my knife, tempted to throw it into his carotid.

“Watch your temper, princess. If you keep yelling at me, then I definitely won’t help you.” I closed my eyes and breathed in slowly, trying to calm myself down. “Fine. Sorry. I just don’t want to answer the questions about my necklace.”

“Oh, I know. That’s why I’m asking,” he grinned.

I rolled my eyes, settling back in my seat. “Please, don’t. It’s really personal.”

“You know, I killed my family. It can’t get any worse than that,” he shrugged.

“Yeah, well, this is worse to me,” I muttered. “What? Did you kill your whole family, too? Man, I didn’t know we were so similar,” he chuckled.

“No. They got murdered right in front of me,” I whispered out. Tears prickled the corners of my eyes. I lowered my gaze to my almost-empty plate. Thick, uncomfortable silence filled the room. I tried to fight the tears that threatened to fall, but as memories came back, I could no longer hold them off.

“I-I’m gonna go. Thanks for dinner, Kai.” My voice was hoarse as I spoke. I swallowed hardly, trying to clear my throat, but it felt like shards of glass were rubbing the sides of it.

I went to grab my jacket and wrapped it around me, reaching out for the doorknob, but Kai pulled me back. He wrapped his fingers around my wrist gently, but firmly. He tugged me back slightly, enough for me to turn around and look him in the eyes. The expression on his face was something that I had never seen on him before. He looked regretful, guilty; full of remorse. For once I didn’t feel annoyed or scared of him.

“I’m sorry that happened to you,” he spoke softly, his blue eyes boring into my e/c eyes.

“I-It’s alright. It’s not your fault,” I sniffled. “No… I-I should have known this was too personal for you to want to share,” he admitted.

“Yeah, well, I know how much you like to push my buttons,” I chuckled.

“I do. I admit that. But I really do want to get to know you.” I narrowed eyes at him, crossing my arms around my chest and leaning back in my chair. “Why?”

“Because I… I think you’re interesting. When I was watching you and your friends, I was able to discover things. Things about Bonnie and Damon. But you… I couldn’t figure out a thing about you. You talk a lot to Damon, and I know you’re really close with Bonnie, but you’re still so private. I’m such an open person, so it was weird for me to see you be so closed-off, but outgoing at the same time,” he explained, his cheeks glowing pink as soon as he finished.

I couldn’t believe what I had heard him say. He was finally saying nice things about me in a sincere tone. I couldn’t help but smile and softened up. “Really?”

“Yeah,” He shrugged sheepishly. “Hm,” I buzzed.

“So, will you stay and we can get to know each other? I promise I won’t ask you about your family anymore,” he said.

I stared at him intensely. As much as I wanted to say no, every fiber in my body was screaming yes.

“Alright, sure. I’ll stay,” I nodded. I knew that if I said no, he probably wouldn't help me get back home, but I was actually looking forward to staying. It seemed as though my feelings for him were developing a lot quicker and stronger than I thought they ever would.

A bright smile lit up his face immediately. “Great! Do you want to continue eating? I have some ice cream, too, if you want.”

“Ice cream sounds good,” I answered. He nodded and let go of my wrist, walking to his freezer.

I felt alone and cold all of the sudden. I felt myself start to miss his hand on me, holding my arm. His skin was so warm and surprisingly soft. I wanted him to touch me all over.

“Take a seat on the couch.” His voice broke me out of my dirty thoughts.

I shrugged away the thoughts and made my way to the sofa, taking a seat and making myself comfortable.

“Do you want a blanket of anything?” He asked, setting down two bowls.

“I’m good for now, thanks,” I said, reaching her to grab a bowl. “F/f?” I asked.

“Yeah. This one of the few things I found out about you,” he smiled sheepishly, taking his bowl and sitting down next to you.

“Indeed I do. I assume you do, too?” I guessed. “Yep,” he nodded. “Hm. So, what do you want to know about me?” I asked.

“What’s your favourite colour?”

“F/c.” “Do you have any pets back at home?” He asked.

“I had a cat a few years ago. She died, though.” “Oh, I’m sorry,” he frowned. “It's alright. She was 20, so she was bound to die soon,” I shrugged.

He nodded. “What’s life like back at home?”

I took a bite of ice cream, thinking for a few moments. “Fun. Busy, but really happy and colourful.”

“Are you in college?” He asked. “Yeah. Second year,” I answered. “What’re you studying?”

“I’m majoring in human studies and minoring in art and design.” “Sounds fun.”

“It is. And a little stressful,” I chuckled. He laughed with me, looking away from me for a moment and then looking back.

“Do you have a boyfriend, or girlfriend, back at home?” He asked.

“Nope. I’ve been single for a good couple years,” I said.

“You? Single? I find that hard to believe,” he snorted. “Why?” I asked, my heart fluttering just thinking about his answer.

Kai smiled softly at me. “Well, for starters, you’re beautiful. You’re strong and confident. You know what you want and have no issue in fighting for it. You’re a little hot-headed, but I find it attractive. You’re very smart; I see you reading almost everyday. You’re determined and dream big. I can tell you really care about your friends and family, despite how much you and Damon bickered. You’re like a girl in a novel or movie that other girls want to be.”

My whole face went warm at his explanation. My lips were upturned into the most cheek-aching smile, too.

“And you said it was hard to find things out about me,” I giggled, nudging his foot with mine.

“Well, I couldn’t find out personal things about you. That's all just from observation,” he shrugged, not seeming to be embarrassed.

I nodded, “Well, now you know a few personal things about me.”

“That I do.” “I…. I thought you liked Bonnie, too,” I spoke my thoughts out loud.

“She’s beautiful, too. She’s also incredibly smart and intuitive. She’s very strong and nice. But you’re the one that really caught my eye.”

“Oh,” I smiled impossibly wider. “Well, good to know.” “Yep,” he popped the ‘p’. I couldn't help but notice how his gaze dropped down to my upper chest, where my necklace sat.

“They died one and a half years ago,” I started.

His eyes flew up to mine. “You don’t have to-”

“No, no. It’s alright. Um… so it was at night. Everyone else was at the house, but I had snuck out to go to a party hosted by Caroline. At this time, I was involved with a vampire named Kol. He convinced me to go out. I knew it was wrong and I was going to get in trouble. I was what some would call a goody-two shoes. Anyways, I stayed out until like, 2 in the morning. I was getting tipsy and tired. So, Stefan, Damon’s brother, drove me home. When I first arrived at my house, it looked completely normal. It was quiet and peaceful. It wasn’t until I walked into my house when I knew something was wrong. There were lights on upstairs. It felt so tense, too. I could literally feel how tense and thick the air was.” I stared down at my ice cream for multiple minutes, blinking rapidly as tears fell.

“I went upstairs and that’s when I saw him. He was tall and wearing a ski-mask, like he was trying to rob us. I guess he had other things he wanted to do, too. He didn’t see me at first, though. It wasn’t until he shot my dad when I started to cry and that’s when he noticed me. I ran away though and into my sibling’s room. I saw that they were still were asleep and safe. So I did the first thing I thought was sensible. I called Stefan. I explained to him that someone had murdered my dad. And as I called him, I heard my mom scream,” I shuddered as her scream ringed in my ears.

“That’s when I heard the door being kicked open downstairs and I knew that Stefan was there. He had brought Caroline and Damon, too, with Bonnie. They were all here to help and I was so appreciative of them. I thought they were going to kill the guy, which was honestly what I wanted. But apparently, the murderer was a vampire. An old one, too, which meant he was stronger than everyone. My friends put up a good fight and I tried to get Andrew and Jenny out of the house, but as soon as we were going down the stairs, the murderer sped up to us and snapped both of their necks. I-It all happened so fast. I….I just couldn't register what was happening. They both just fell limp in my arms. I didn’t know what to do but cry. I was practically screaming while crying, cursing at the murderer. I tried to fight him, but I was so tired and weak, he almost ended up killing me, but luckily Stefan got to him the fastest and ripped his heart out. He fell right on top of me, too. I will never forgetting the weight I was feeling just then. Metaphorical and physical. I pushed him off of me and collapsed into Stefan’s arms. He held me for what seemed like forever until I stopped crying.”

I felt Kai move closer to me, putting a comforting hand on my hand. I smiled softly at him, letting out a deep breath as I was about to finish the story.

“I didn’t come to school for four months after that. I didn’t even come out of my room during that time. My friends took turns everyday taking care of me. Stefan was on cooking duty, Caroline, Elena, and Bonnie switched roles of helping me bathe, getting me to eat, trying to get me to take a step out of bed. Damon and Jeremy provided the jokes and funny stories to try and get me to feel better. Alaric, who was acting like Elena and Jeremy’s parent, adopted me into their family. He said it was Elena and Jeremy’s idea and he agreed fully. After my grieving period, I moved in with the Gilberts. Elena and Jeremy called me their sister and I fell into that role. It was nice to have a family again. It was nice to have siblings again. To have a parent again. I knew it wasn’t real, though. Jeremy and Elena acted like it was real, though. They were so welcoming of having me as a sister, it was just so good. Once I went to college, though, I tried to get a little more independent. Bonnie was gone, actually, so all I had was Caroline and Elena. But we made it work. I’m so thankful for all of them. They really helped me and never gave up on me. Even when I threw fits about getting out of bed,” I smiled at the memories of them helping me.

“Anyways,” I shifted on the couch. “The summer before college, I ended up cremating my family and spreading them across the Pacific Ocean, thanks to Damon who gladly took me on a trip.”

“Wow,” Kai breathed out. “I know,” I chuckled.

“You have really great friends. I’m sorry that all happened to you,” he said. “I-I can’t imagine what you went through. And what you’re still going through.” “Yeah, well, I’m the survivor here. You’re an actual murderer,” I smirked.

He laughed, “True. You know, if you know that I’m a murderer, then why do you agree to spend time with me?”

I sighed and set the empty bowl of ice cream on the table. “Well, you’re right. I am trusting. I see the good in people and I see the good in you. When I was about to walk out the door, I saw the good in you. I see the good in you now. You can be good, Kai. I know it’s hard considering what you have been through, but you are just as much as a survivor as I am.” I intertwined our fingers and put my other hand on his forearm.

“You were abused as a child. You were punished for being different. And although that doesn’t excuse you killing your siblings, you still deserve love. I don’t know how being in a coven works, but I do know how being in a family works. You’re supposed to love each other and your father didn’t give you that love. Sure, you’re a little… eccentric at times, but you still have feelings like everyone else. I know Damon and Bonnie called you a sociopath, and I know I did, too, but now that I’ve seen this side of you, I know you’re different. You should be able to resent your father for being blamed for being a siphoner. Which, by the way, I think it really cool, honestly. I-I’m sorry for yelling at you and getting really mad all those times,” I apologised, looking at him in the eyes to know I was sincere.

He shrugged with a smile, “Well I didn’t make it easy on you.”

I laughed, “No, you did not. Anyways… You are a survivor Kai. A survivor of your family and this world. You deserve a lot more than you think.”

“Thank you. I guess that’s true,” he said.

I smiled and leaned into him, “I know it’s true.”

He smiled at me, his hand tightening around mine. My eyes trailed down to his lips, ogling them for a good few moments.

“Does the necklace has pictures of them?” Kai asked.

I leaned away immediately, my hand slipping out of his. “Yeah, do you want to see them?”

He nodded, moving closer to me so our thighs were touching. I took off the necklace, opening it up and showing him the left side where my parent’s picture sat.

“That’s my dad, Owen, and that’s my mom, Louisa,” I pointed.

“You look just like your mom,” Kai muttered.

I looked to my right, seeing that he was staring right at me. I blushed a little, looking down shyly. “Yeah. We got our genes from our mom.”

“Are they Andrew and Jenny?” He pointed to the right side of the locket.

“Yep. Andrew is 10 and Jenny is 13,” I said.

“They look like good kids,” he commented. “They were. I often wish that it was me who died instead of them,” I murmured.

“Why?”

“Because I was the one who snuck out that night. Plus, my mom and I were having some relationship issues. She was always so irritated with me and criticizing everything I did. The last thing I said to her that night was “I hate you. I wish I had a different mom.”,” My lips were pulled down in a deep frown.

“Well, you didn’t mean that, right?” Kai guessed.

“I didn’t,” I shook my head. “Well, that’s all that matters,” he said.

I nodded and looked up at him.

“You have a little… Here,” he said and lifted up his hand. He cupped my cheek, his thumb running across my cheekbone, wiping a few tears away.

My breath hitched as I felt myself leaning towards him. There was like this magnetic pull that I was feeling. I knew I couldn’t fight it if I tried. His eyes met mine, staring intensely at me. My eyes flickered down to his lips. They looked so soft. So pink. So unbelievably kissable. I was about to close the space in-between us when Kai stopped me.

He put his hand on my shoulder, pushing me back.

“What? Did I read the situation wrong? I’m so sorry,” I rushed out, getting up from the couch.

Kai’s hand grabbed my forearm roughly, pulling me back down on the couch.

“No, it’s not that. You read the situation totally right it's just that… I’ve never kissed anyone before,” he admitted, looking down shyly.

I smiled softly, reaching my hand out for his. “It’s alright. We don’t have to do anything. It’s late, anyways. I should get going.” I looked at the clock, noticing that it was 9:30.

“Or you can stay and we can watch a movie?” He suggested. “Sure,” I nodded with a smile. “Can I take my shoes off?” “Yeah, of course. Actually um, do you want a change of clothes?” He asked.

“Yeah, if you don’t mind,” I nodded.

“Sweatpants and t-shirt work for you?” He asked.

“It definitely does,” I said. “Great. I’ll be right back, go ahead and make yourself comfortable,” he said, getting up from the couch.

I smiled and nodded, taking my shoes and jacket off. I leaned back on the couch, sighing. I could not believe I was making nice with someone who tried to kill me. Damon was right. My type is crazy.

————

Like and Reblog!

Part Three is right here!

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barnesandrogersfanfics · 4 years ago

Text

Ocean Eyes - Part 13

A/N - OMG finally an update!!! I'm so sorry it has taken me so long but writers block is a bitch! Thank you all for sticking with me and being so patient ��💕💕 Please like/comment/reblog.

"CHRIS EVANS HAS A SECRET FAMILY!"

Shit, shit. Shit! Oh my fuck this can't be happening!! I thought to myself as i clicked on the link Hannah had sent me, the page loaded showing photo's of Chris and I kissing, photo's of Chris and Mason...... my heart was racing and i could feel the panic setting in.

"Fucking Brian!" I mumbled, this was taken the day i saw his car outfront! I got up and made my way to Chris' office, i needed to let him know about this ASAP incase he was suddenly blind sided with a question while doing his interview.

As soon as i appeared in the doorway Chris looked up and gave me a little smile that soon fell when he saw the tears in my eyes.

"Im so sorry but can you just excuse me for two seconds..... i'll be right back" Chris said leaving Scott talking to Jimmy Fallon.

"Whats wrong?....." he asked quietly pulling the door closed behind him.

"Im so sorry Chris....." i shook my head.

"Why? Whats happened?...."

I passed him my phone showing him the headline and photo's "Everyone knows, I'm so sorry! This is all my fault...." i started to cry, this isn't how i wanted everyone to find out... we weren't ready for everyone to know yet!!

"Hey stop! This isn't your fault sweetheart!" Chris wrapped his arms around me "come on don't cry, i hate it when you cry".

"Im so mad Chris!...they have no right posting photo's of Mason!"

"Let me just go finish up this interview, i'll be two minutes" he kissed me before rushing back to finish up with Jimmy.

After Chris had finished up his interview he was calling his publicist Megan, he already had missed calls from her so she had obviously heard what was going on. An hour later she was sat on the sofa across from us listening to the whole story.

"I want those photo's of my son taken down now! They can't post photo's of my 6 year old for everyone to see!" Chris was yelling as he paced the room.

"I've already put in a call and told them to take it down, but you know its gonna be out there now....you can't hide from this Chris"

"I know but.... fuck! We didn't want Mason in the public eye..... he's just a kid!"

"I get it, they should have at least blurred his face in the shots, most tabloids do nowadays unless the parents give consent but this particular tabloid that published the story, they're not one of the big names so they're more interested in their 5 minutes of fame with this exclusive"

"Brian did this. He did it to hurt me, its not even about the money! He could've sold the story to one of the big tabloids and got a payout..." i shook my head "the guy is crazy! I wasn't even dating him!"

"We're gonna try and do something about him too, leave it with me" Megan gave me a small smile while writing something in her notebook "So, you should probably post something on your socials.... clear up the gossip. Usually id say don't react to this but we need to do some damage control because right now, i guarantee all people are thinking is either you've been an absentee father with no interest in your son for the past six years" she said looking to Chris "or you'll be public enemy number one for keeping Chris's son from him" she looked over to me and i lowered my head in shame, i had done that..... i had my reasons but i did it all the same.

"So what do we say?" I asked quietly as Chris came and sat beside me taking my hand.

"We say that even though the two of you haven't been together romantically up until now, you have been raising your son together but chose to keep him out of the public eye"

"I'll put something together for you to look over, make sure you think its okay" Chris told her.

"I know this isn't great but we can handle this"

"Thank you Megan".

Over the next couple of days things gradually calmed down, Chris had posted a simple statement which i was told to post too even though my accounts were private to friends only, he didn't go into much detail but confirmed that we do have a son together and asked for our privacy to be respected.

His fans had actually been amazing and so supportive, of course there were a few saying some not so nice things about me and Mason but we knew that would happen. The tabloid stories quickly disappeared regarding Mason when other celebrities started posting, calling the tabloids out for not respecting our privacy after we had made it clear we didn't want our son in the spotlight.

But i still had this constant pit in my stomach, a feeling that things would still get worse before they went back to normal.

I was currently laid on the bed next to a basket of laundry that needed folding and putting away, I had retreated upstairs with the excuse of doing laundry while Chris, Scott and Mason were out back playing some game. The truth was i just needed some alone time, i was tired of putting on a brave and happy face, pretending like everything was fine. My hands massaged my temples trying to shift the dull headache that seemed like a constant thing lately.

"Hey, you okay?" The sound of Chris's voice from the door way made me crack open an eye to look at him.

"Yeah, headache is all"

"You've been up here a while, i got worried"

"I was doing laundry i told you....."

"You mean the laundry still sitting next to you?" He teased with a raised eyebrow.

"Yep, i started then i got a headache. I just need a few minutes" i said quietly closing my eyes again.

"Sweetheart you know you can talk to me, you don't have to act like everything is fine....."

"Yes i do, if i don't I'm gonna loose it and i can't do that with Mason around".

I felt the bottom of the bed dip and opened my eyes to see Chris crawling up the bed towards me, he moved my legs so his upper body was resting between them as he pressed kisses to my T-shirt covered stomach.

"What are you doing?" I shook my head and chuckled at the playful look he had on his face.

"Trying to cheer you up, maybe help you forget for a while" he smirked pushing my T-shirt up more so he could kiss my bare skin this time.

"Is now really the time for that? Mason is awake downstairs...."

"Its the perfect time for that, Scott will keep Mason busy"

"You dont know that....."

Chris quickly pulled his phone from his pocket and tapped quickly on the screen before tossing it aside.

"Done, no distractions" he laughed.

"Oh god please don't tell me you told Scott why?"

"Of course not but he's not stupid"

"This is a bad idea..... we said slow...."

"This is slow, i just wanna make you feel better. Plus you know orgasm's are supposed to help with headaches" he shrugged with that cocky grin.

"Oh really? Is that right?"

"100%" he nodded making us both laugh, he reached for my shorts and starting to pull the them down my legs...

"Wait!" I said suddenly sitting up to look at him making him groan as he looked back at me from between my legs.

"What?"

"Lock the door would ya?" I giggled throwing myself back down on the bed shaking my head as he leapt from the bed and flipped the lock.

"Now where were we?" He said before crawling back into position.....this was a bad idea.

Everything taglist: @jesseswartzwelder @dumblani @barnesandrogersworld @patzammit @rynabarnesrogers-reading @rainbowkisses31 @rororo06 @supernaturalwintersoldier @fairlightswiftly @hiddelstannerbarnes @bellamy-barnes @buchanansebba @rosalynshields @turtoix @dottirose

Ocean eyes: @supraveng @michelehansel @melissaglenn5 @denisemarieangelina

@mrsjeffwittek @mery-be @marvelfansworld @cmalass @capstopavenger @fallenoutofrose @kelbabyblue @biebsmylife95 @loser-alert @traceyaudette @w3lissax @jennmurawski13 @ford66steal @saiyanprincessswanie @christocrave

@jakiki94 @torntaltos @my-dearest-agent @ms-betsy-fangirl

#chris evans #reader insert #chris evans x reader #ocean eyes

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poppysmc · 4 years ago

Text

I Don't Know How You Do It But I'm Forever Ruined

Notes: This has been sitting in my drafts for so so long, unfinished with a different song and Im just obsessed with this song right now so I thought I'd go ahead and post it.. sorry for the mistakes I don't have a beta so they're all mine. I'm just slowly getting back to writing again, please be patient with me. ❤️

Song: Off my face - Justin Bieber

(One shot)

Last and certainly not the least…. Ms. Morgan Hughes, she’ll be gracing us with her angelic voice, singing… uhh… Off my face? Thomas reads the cue cards, slightly puzzled, he thought Morgan would be doing stand-up, he and Morgan’s posse endured long nights of practicing her stand-up routine and now she’s just gonna sing, it’s not even vetted on.

He glances to the side, silently confirming if it was right. Morgan nods and smiles nervously. He in turn smiles back, giving an encouraging thumbs up and a whisper of ‘good luck’ as she takes to the stage.

Some of the audience chuckled at the name choice, adding to the ever growing lump lodged in her throat. This is definitely not her best idea and before she could go ranting about the title, some of her friends clapped and cheered, giving her a slight boost of confidence.

She wrote thet a few months ago, absently plucking at the guitar strings. She’s got the same few chords stuck in her head for week. Only god knows how she pulled the lyrics out of her muddled brain.

How does one go about sharing her feelings for someone who has no idea? Said someone sitting front and center with a scowl, sitting next to her parents. She has no idea she wrote it for her, she sighs in relief.

For a split second she could see Poppy’s attention snap up to her, smirking and raising her eyebrow in question. Morgan rolls her eyes at her and settled into her chair and just like Poppy’s face never moved, her scowl was back in place, listening to Chloe rant about her talent to her right.

She starts plucking out the intro, it’s now or never.

One touch and you got me stoned

Higher than I’ve ever known

You call the shots and I’ll follow

Sunrise but the night’s still young

No words but we’re speaking tongues

If you let me I might say too much

Sometimes people just enter your life and burrow themselves so deep into it that for the life of you, you couldn't remember when it all started. This case was different, Morgan could vividly remember a day it all changed, how it became harder for her to even look Poppy in the eye for more than a few seconds. How her warm touch roughly pulling her back to the argument now seemed to burn through her sleeves, pressure slightly softer. She used to meet her hot gaze, faces only inches apart spitting out vicious insults without thinking much, now she didn’t have the same fire in her veins she seemed to have arguing with Poppy.

The need to antagonize her fizzled into something else, a warmth that threatens to overtake her made itself a home in her chest.

---------------

Morgan wanted to stay home, as much as she enjoyed parties, it wasn’t something she wanted to do regularly. Sometimes it gets a little too much to handle, the music felt too loud, the people got too close, the eyes on her felt stifling. She wanted to be free just this one night out of expectant looks but Zoey is too convincing, her puppy dog eyes are too powerful for a mere mortal like herself. She made a condition to just be at the party no over the top expensive clothes, just herself.

“I’ll come but just to be your glorified chauffer.” She dresses herself in something simple, a pair of black pants and flannel. “I just want to be invisible this one night, Zo.”

“Fine by me, but if your fashion choices end up splashed all over The T tomorrow don’t come crying to me.” Zoey shakes her head, the slight dig on her wardrobe is softened by a thankful grin.

“You get dragged on The T once, and no one lets you live it down.”

“Because I’m pretty certain I said don’t go out in that, it’s suicide. So yeah I would never let it go, you wore socks with your flip-flops and had the audacity to show yourself in public.”

“It’s not even my fault, sunny ran out the door. I had no time to check what I was wearing."

“You’ll never learn. Whatever will you do without me?” Zoey smirks and shakes her head affectionately. "Stop stalling and let’s go. My carriage awaits dear chauffer.”

“Yeah, yeah. Please allow me to escort you down, boss.” Morgan bumps her shoulders with Zoey as she passes by to grab her jacket. She opens the door and offers her arm, Zoey laughs and loops her arms around hers.

The party was already in full swing once they arrived. The music was blaring; the bass makes Morgan’s chest thump along erratically with every beat. “Text me, okay? I’ll make myself scarce.”

“Sure. Thanks for driving.” Zoey winks and beelines for the bar. In a few seconds she loses sight of her.

Morgan trudges through the house, the crowd gradually thins as she makes her way farther to the back. She exhales in relief finally free of the maze of drunk students with no boundaries, nobody seemed to pay attention to her, thank god for the dim lighting. The backdoor swings open, she breathes in the crisp night air. The door shuts and party fades into muffled thumps. She sat on the porch steps, her side leaning against the banister, oblivious to the pair of eyes quietly observing her.

After a minute of silence, Morgan sucked air through her clenched teeth, surprised at hearing someone pointedly clearing their throat behind her. The rate in which her head whipped back almost made her dizzy. When she recognizes who the person was, she could already feel the headache coming through, she almost swallows her tongue in disbelief. Of all the people she didn’t want to see her tonight was Poppy, yet here she was, alone with her.

“What are you doing back here?” Poppy asked, voice devoid of any venom just genuinely curious.

“Do I need permission to be? Who made you queen?” Morgan scoffs, the slight bite in her voice comes through and makes Poppy smirk.

“Belvoire.” Poppy cheekily answers, earning an undignified snort from Morgan. The slight tension momentarily forgotten.

“Should have seen that coming.”

“The party’s raging inside and little miss newbie sits here. What are you doing, really?” Poppy asks not unkindly, voice tinged with concern and curiosity.

“I could ask the same to you.”

“I asked first.” Poppy frowns impatiently.

Morgan sighs, opting to just answer just to avoid trouble. She didn’t have the energy to make up excuses nor to argue. “I don’t feel like partying today. I’m just waiting for Zoey to get flat out drunk and drive her home. My turn.”

“It’s- It’s overwhelming inside. I just want to be alone for a while.” The honesty in Poppy’s answer momentarily throws her off.

“Do you want me to go?” Morgan asks, feeling like she’s intruding. This must be the longest record they ever had being civil to one another, actually speaking without the sarcastic comments and the insults. It makes her feel out of place and awkward.

“You could do whatever you want. I’m not the queen of anything right now.” Right, cause technically it's Chloe. There’s something in her tone that makes Morgan’s heart clench, yet she shrugs it off as the bass from the party. To Morgan’s never ending surprise, the blonde pats the spot next to her on the bench. “The floor is filthy.” Poppy clarifies when she makes no move to stand. A disarming smile crosses her face, Morgan guessed her hesitation must have been showing.

Morgan stands and dusts herself off. “Who are you and what have you done to Poppy?” She asks with a grateful smile, sitting down the furthest she could from the other girl.

“I have half the mind to kick you off this bench.” Poppy grumbles.

“There she is.”

Poppy huffs out a half laugh and after that there’s just silence. After a while she could see the slight tremble in Poppy’s hand in her periphery. She wordlessly shrugs off the coat she’s wearing and offers it to the other girl.

“What?” Poppy blinks, eying her coat suspiciously, making Morgan chuckle in disbelief.

“You’re cold. Take it or go inside.”

“Fine.” Poppy slips on the offered garment, appreciating the warmth it gave to her cold limbs. She wasn’t thinking while she burrowed herself further, letting Morgan’s scent envelope her. She stared at Morgan, feeling guilty for a moment. She moves closer, Morgan shivers when their shoulders touched. "Thanks." Poppy whispers, if it wasn't for their proximity, Morgan might have missed it. She hoped the shadows hid the small smile spreading to her lips.

“I’m sorry for taking your coat. I just couldn’t go back inside. I-” Poppy trails off, breaking her gaze away and staring farther up the yard.

“It’s okay, I offered. You don’t have to explain anything.” Morgan understood, after today everything changed, she lost her spot to one of her friends. Morgan was somewhat surprised that instead of Poppy's explosive anger, she opted to just sit here and mope.

She jumps a little when her phone vibrates in her pocket, she could see Poppy smirk in the corner of her eye.

"Jumpy."

She reads the text and taps a reply, frowning. She turns to Poppy. She doesn't even know why she's explaining but it felt wrong to just go without saying anything. A part of her wanted to make this moment stretch a little longer, so she hesitates.

“Apparently Zoey doesn’t need me to drive her back. So... I guess I'll head back home." Morgan stands not having an excuse to stay longer and makes her way to the door, hands hovering over the door knob to open it but not before doing something stupid like asking her so called enemy if she wanted to drive around for a while.

“So… Do you still want company? We could drive around for a while?” Morgan mentally chastises herself for the suggestion. Of course Poppy would say no it’s not like she-

Morgan looks back at Poppy, she sees her worrying her bottom lip between her teeth in thought. Morgan’s gaze flickers down to her lips, wondering if they’re as soft as they looked. The moment passed and she breaks her gaze away just as Poppy decided.

“Sure but let me just get my stuff.” Poppy stands and makes her way to the door, Morgan standing motionless, hand over the handle. She reaches for it, her fingertips grazing Morgan’s, the slight static made her pull her hand away abruptly.

“Sorry.” Morgan breaks through her short circuited brain and moves to hold the door open for Poppy. “I’ll wait for you out front.” Morgan makes her way back through the crowd, her mind reeling at what happened back there and what mess she got herself into.

---------------

She continued singing, her eyes accidentally meeting Poppy’s gaze again, her scowl was replaced by an unreadable expression, attention now focused solely on her and Morgan almost faltered. She breaks eye contact and stares at the back wall, ignoring the burning gaze upon her from those familiar eyes.

Your touch blurred my vision

It’s your world and I’m just in it

Even sober I’m not thinking straight

Cause I’m off my face in love with you

I’m out my head so into you

And I don’t know how you do it

But I’m forever ruined by you

-----------------------

The sound of the door opening breaks Morgan out of her deep thoughts. She could see Poppy walking towards her with a sour expression, she's still wearing Morgan's coat.

“What happened to you?” Morgan’s warm hands reaching out to her, settling comfortably on her shoulder. Poppy stares at her hands, she pulls it away like she’s been burned.

“Just drive.” Poppy mumbles, trying hard to be composed but failing.

“Where to?” Morgan pretends not to notice Poppy's agitation, barely glancing at her so she won't feel uncomfortable. She unlocks her car slipping inside while Poppy stares at the abomination in front of her.

“I don’t want to sound ungrateful but your truck is… I don’t know how to say it without offending you? But maybe it could use a good wash? Like you drove through mud to get here. I don’t know, maybe we could go to a carwash, my treat.”

"That’s about the rudest thing anyone’s ever said to me, and you said a lot of insulting things before." Morgan rolls her eyes. “She doesn’t mean that Betty, you just got a little mud on you.” She murmurs quietly.

“You named your car… Betty?”

“What? No I didn’t.” Morgan could see Poppy’s amused smirk even in her periphery.

“You’re such a dork.” Poppy can’t help but laugh at her mortified expression.

Morgan distracts herself from the rapidly rising heat on her neck by fiddling with the radio before driving off. The sweet sound of the guitar filtered through the car and she smiles triumphantly, previous embarrassment pushed to the back of her mind. She doesn't notice Poppy's expression soften.

Morgan drives her car through the carwash. They watched the water and the soap assault her car, the material of the brushes made a repetitive sound along with one of her favourite songs. Poppy had her seat leaned back, watching the machine rid the car of dust and mud. There was something mildly intimate about it, Morgan could move her right hand then they would be grazing Poppy’s, she could do it, she wanted to do it. But all she could manage was a slight twitch in her pinky, her hand doesn't move any closer.

“Do you ever feel like there’s a hundred people around you in a room, yet you feel alone?” Poppy breaks the silence, tilting her head slightly to the left to look at Morgan.

“Sometimes, yeah. Sometimes people may be looking at you yet feel as if their staring right through you, like your nothing. Oh! Like a ghost.” This makes Poppy chuckle.

“Yeah like that. It would have been easier if we were ghosts at least then you know why.”

“Did you feel like that back at the party?” Morgan wanted to say how that would have been impossible that no one could have seen her, she’s seeing her now. She wondered how could anyone ever take their eyes of her, she always seemed to be the brightest thing in any room she entered and now even in this dingy carwash she looked so radiant. How sometimes she thinks that she picks fights with her just for a chance to be bathed in her light. Thoughts she doesn't think would ever cross her mind trickled slowly and became a raging river. Now that she found herself here with her, without anything familiar to fall back on, anything just to distract herself out of her dangerous thoughts.

“Yeah, I don’t know. It was easier to be alone than surrounded but feeling alone. Do you get it? At least I know, I chose to be alone.”

“I get it.” If she had the ability to say more she would have but these few pathetic words are all she could manage. This time her hand reaches to squeeze Poppy’s. A quiet comfort to reinforce her words, she understood.

“Thank you.”

Whatever atmosphere they created in that moment fell apart when Morgan had to move her car forward and exited the wash.

“Where to now?”

“Your turn to choose.” Poppy mumbles, still staring blankly outside.

“Okay, I know a place. You're gonna love it."

“I’m not going to let you pick anymore.” Poppy complains, standing in front a fluorescent lit diner. It almost glowed but in a weird way, like a bat signal for the weary.

“Hey! They make the best food.” Morgan steps forward and drags her companion along when she hesitated.

Warmth and the ambient sound of cutlery grazing the plates makes Morgan smile. She always came here when she’s feeling lonely, missing her parents, their farm or when she’s stressed from school, for trying to fit in like a robot.

“Come. Don’t just stand there.” Morgan looks back at Poppy, her breath caught in her throat. Poppy looked ethereal against the most basic place there ever is. If you said diners were some kind of portal to somewhere else she’d accept it and move on, for she looked like she existed out of place, alien, untouchable as she was beautiful. For the second time this day her gaze flickers to Poppy’s lips, she realizes that she’s saying something and Morgan’s mortified of being caught staring like a fool.

“What? Is something on my face?” Poppy is thankfully oblivious.

“No, it’s perfect.” Morgan quietly whispers while Poppy checks herself in the diner’s window, her words falling into deaf ears.

Morgan balls up pieces of her straw paper places it over some torn up tissues, stacked together. She’s fidgeting under Poppy’s presence; she doesn’t know what to do with her hands.

She's startled when Poppy lightly grasps her hands stopping it from tearing up another piece of paper. It’s been minutes of watching Morgan tear up even rectangles of several tissues, a girl could only take so much.

“You’re making a mess.” Poppy chastises her like a child. She would have laughed but Poppy still hasn’t let go of her hand, it’s making her blush like an idiot.

“Sorry. It’s just that the food is taking a while huh?” Morgan stealthily tries to take her hand back but Poppy only holds it tighter. When they're not arguing, Morgan found that she doesn't know how else to act around her.

“Stop tearing paper like confetti.”

“Sorry.” Morgan sheepishly apologizes and Poppy lets go of her hand, hiding hers under the table, flexing it, she could still feel the warmth of her hand in hers.

The food arrives and Morgan smiles widely. Poppy stares, pretending she's interested in what food Morgan ordered. She admits to herself that for all the times she stared at her she never noticed how beautiful Morgan’s smile was. Arguing doesn't leave one space to insert a smile. It made her heart skip, imagining how it would be like if it was directed at her.

She almost misses Morgan stealing a fry off her plate. “Hey! If you wanted some you should have bought your own or at least politely asked.” Poppy mock glares at her companion, taking one of the crumpled balls and flicking it, hitting Morgan right between the eyes. They watched as the paper landed right into Morgan’s half empty milkshake glass.

"Your face!" Poppy laughs, wishing she could have captured it on camera.

Morgan found that she liked Poppy's laugh when it was genuine. “You better buy me another. You ruined mine.”

“What? It’s almost all gone anyway. All the needless calories you’re consuming will bite you in the ass someday.”

“I’ll take my chances.”

“Just have the rest of mine.” Poppy slides over her milkshake, Morgan grins and takes a sip right into Poppy’s straw. Poppy noticed first, eyes widening. Did She just… A revolting question crossed her mind, how would ‘Morgan’s lips feel like pressed to mine.’ Shes never felt jealous of a piece of plastic before in her life.

Morgan freezes when she realized what she’s done. She just had an indirect kiss with Poppy through the straw. “Sorry. I got excited.”

Poppy opens a new straw for her water, blowing the other end right into Morgans face, another bulls eye, she’s killing it. “Don’t overthink it.” She dismisses the act but her brain does summersaults inside her skull.

They finished eating, the last few of Poppy’s fries stolen right under her nose. She pretends she doesn’t see her sneaking a few of the fries away, she just lets her. Mind preoccupied with important things like Morgan’s lips.

------------------

Can’t sleep ‘cause I’m way too buzzed

Too late now you’re in my blood

I don’t hate the way you keep me up

Your touch blurred my vision

It’s your world and I’m just in it

Even sober I’m not thinking straight

Even if she doesn't look or at least tries her hardest not to, she could feel Poppy's gaze on her, burning, willing her eyes to look back. There's something wildly intimate about singing a song to someone and in the sea of strangers you know it's just for them. No matter how many people sang it, to another, to themselves or just for the heck of it, the song only belongs to the person you made it for. Just for her. They could never feel the way she felt when she wrote it, how her feelings were entwined with every word.

In her periphery she could see Poppy stand and make excuses to her parents. She left, she didn't see where she went, she doesn't dare look anywhere near where she was, she's a coward like that. All she could feel is disappointment. It takes everything in her not to show it on her face. Was it too late to change her talent to stand up?

----------------------------------

"Come on Poppy, pick a place already. I've been driving around for hours! People will think we're stalking someone around here." Morgan whines in the driver seat taking yet another turn around the block.

"It's been exactly 20 minutes. You're such a baby." Poppy looks at her phone for any places that might still be open around this time. "Turn right, that's not right. Right! Not left."

"Great, now were going in circles. Pull over." Poppy grumbles.

"What?" Morgan looks confused for a moment but does what she’s told anyway, parking along the street.

"Get out." Poppy moves to exit the car.

"What are you..?"

"I'm not gonna hijack your car, just let me drive. You suck at following directions."

"...."

They switch seats, Morgan slumps and mopes in hers. Poppy fights back a smile.

“Would you look at that it only took 2 minutes.” Poppy smiles smugly.

“I did all the navigating you only had to turn once.” Morgan complains, getting out of the car and looking around the parking lot. “What the hell Poppy, a 711? You could have told me, I could have turned anywhere and found one.”

“Like hell you could. You don’t even know your left from your right.” Poppy laughs at Morgan’s offended expression. They walked in, shoulders brushing together and Morgan shivers, insisting to herself that it’s because it’s cold.

Poppy smiles, victoriously pulling out what they came here for out of the fridge.

“A freaking capri sun? We drove all the way here for that?” Morgan complains, ready to throttle Poppy. Though there’s something endearing in her expression, that proud smile for finding something she was looking for.

“Just go find something you want.” Poppy shoos her away, grabbing a few more pouches of juice. She shakes her head and walks off in search of snacks.

Morgan comes back with an armful of sweets and chips.

“We just ate. What are you doing? Take these back, I won't buy you all these.”

“You said something I like. I like them all. Come on aren't you rich?” Morgan dumps her haul in the counter, the cashier looking back and forth from them, looking for a sign that it’s okay to scan the items.

“Are you just an overgrown kid or what?”

“Pop, you just bought a juice in a pouch, you have no right to judge me.”

“Fine.”

Morgan carries three bags worth of snacks back to the car, Poppy not attempting to lift a finger just because she paid.

“Your turn. Pick a place.”

Minutes later they're on a cliff overlooking the city. Fading notes from a song playing in Morgan’s car filtered to the back.

“I'm surprised you didn't get lost.”

“I don't suck at directions. You're the one that sucked at giving them.” Morgan says in self-defence. She unlatches the back so they could sit on it, holding Poppy’s waist, helping her up. If Poppy noticed her hands shake, she didn’t say anything. They sat closer together, leaning against the side. She could feel the cold seeping into her shirt, making her shiver. Poppy notices and moves to take Morgan's coat off.

“No. Keep it on.” Morgan stops her, cold hands over equally cold ones.

“But you're cold.”

“I'm not.” Morgan attempts to refute it but her hands are freezing.

“I can see your teeth chattering.”

“I like it on you.” She smiles softly.

“What?”

“I don't want you to be cold. Just take it, don’t be stubborn.”

“If you speak of this to anyone, I would personally kill you in your sleep.”

“Why would you do- oh.” Morgan stared in confusion, then realization.

Poppy moved to sit in the space between her legs, leaning her back into Morgan, taking her hands and wrapping them to her waist. Her hands rubbing over Morgan's freezing ones. To say that she was now warm was an understatement, she was burning from the blush that overtook her body.

“If you wanted to be near me so bad you could've just asked.” Morgan grins, chin propped on Poppy's shoulder.

Poppy huffs and attempts to get up. Morgan's arms stop her, wrapping tighter, keeping her in place. “Don't move, I might freeze to death.”

“That's what I thought.”

They had a toast with the Capri sun pouches, laughing at the ridiculousness of it all. They sat there talking for hours, the company was too enjoyable to give in to exhaustion or cold.

From the time they were talking Poppy shifted her position, now sitting on Morgan's lap, staring up at her while she told a story about their farm animals, making her scrunch her nose in disgust at one of her retellings.

They stared at the sky surprised to see the day chasing the night away. How long have they been talking? Morgan looks at her phone and even more surprised that it's nearly 6am. Time went by so fast.

“I always wanted to see the sunrise from here. Thanks for the company.” Morgan smiles softly, running her fingers through her hair to distract herself from Poppy.

No one mentioned how one of their hands are still interlaced together or how Morgan's thumb drew circles on the back. Especially not Poppy's lips softly grazing the underside of her jaw.

They watched in silence, both aware that as the night was done, so will this new moment they found together.

“I'll take you to back to your dorm.” Morgan reluctantly says, unwilling to move. It was Poppy who moved off her first.

Morgan slides off the back of her truck smirking at Poppy. “Want a piggy back ride?”

Poppy scoffs. But positions herself anyway, her arms wrapped on Morgan's shoulders, Morgan's hands holding her legs securely as she closes the small distance to the front of her car.

They drove back in silence, neither speaking of the moment, afraid it will be over soon.

Morgan stops her car in front of Poppy’s sorority house, tapping her fingers anxiously against the steering wheel. No one talked nor moved for a minute or two, they just stared at each other feeling the change in whatever relationship they previously held. Poppy’s alarm goes off, effectively ruining their moment.

“I guess... I'll see you later. Good Morning, Poppy.” Morgan smiles softly, hands gripping the steering wheel too tightly, knuckles going white, stopping herself from reaching out.

“I’ll… see you later. Thank you for driving me around.” They both know they will see each other but not in the same capacity as tonight, they will be back to being rivals, enemies, whatever the school made them out to be. She could see Poppy fighting a losing battle against herself before she reached out and kissed the corner of Morgan's mouth. She turns away like nothing happened and exits the car without looking back.

-------------------

Cause I’m off my face in love with you

I’m out my head so into you

And I don’t know how you do it

But I’m forever ruined by you

Cause I’m off my face in love with you

I’m out my head so into you

And I don’t know how you do it

But I’m forever ruined by you

Morgan stands and bows to the applause, yet she felt empty. It all felt useless somehow, she wasn't even there to hear the rest of it. She makes her way backstage, turning the corner as the next talent comes up. She felt like running but before she could turn and walk away, Poppy pushes herself off the wall and approached her. She gulped, unsure of what to do.

“Your voice is very beautiful.” Poppy tells her, voice almost as soft as a whisper. She's searching Morgan’s terrified eyes for something. “The song, did you write it?” She asks all the while moving closer, hands fiddling with the lapel of Morgan’s suit.

All she could do is nod, not trusting her voice at the moment. She takes a step back and another and another until her back is against the wall but Poppy follows her every step. Thank god they seemed alone or she would have burst into flames in embarrassment. Poppy steps closer until their bodies are almost touching.

“Who did you write that song for?”

“I...”

“Tell me.” Poppy looks up almost pleading, wanting to hear what she hoped to.

“It’s for you.” Morgan presses herself even more to the wall, wishing it would just swallow her up. She closes her eyes but it flies open when she heard Poppy gasp. “Are you surprised or?” Morgan trails off, observing Poppy’s expression going from astonished, to happy and outright tearing up.

“I can’t believe you wrote that song for me, I thought that there was someone else.” Poppy breathes in relief, Morgan’s hands wrap around her waist, supporting her weight.

“Just you.” Morgan says breathlessly. Watching her break into a smile made all the nerves she had vanish. She pulls her into a tight hug, smiling when she feels Poppy sink into the embrace. Her head leans on her shoulder and she rests her cheek on her hair. Poppy pulls back and smiles before leanig up and kissing Morgan.

#poppy x mc #poppy min sinclair #fanfic #we dont hava capri sun only zesto #one shot #please go easy on me whoever reads

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sunnydaisy1 · 5 years ago

Text

Just a Cold

MARK SLOAN X READER

REQUEST: Could you do one for when Mark is the reader is sick, but is doing everything to not have him notice. Then ends up getting worse. Sorry hope this makes sense lol :)- Anonymous

A/N: I loved this request sooo much! I wasn’t sure whether you wanted Mark and the reader to be in a relationship or not so I kinda did it like they might be but it could also be just flirting idk? I hope I wrote it okay and that you enjoy it :)

*WHY ISNT THERE A CONCERNED MARK GIF WHERE HE ISNT CRYING URGH*

I blinked my eyes open as sun shot through the blinds into my room, glaring across the white and grey walls. I groaned and rolled over, covering my face with a pillow as i slammed the alarm clock off. A vicious cough ripped through me and I winced, my chest contracting and sharp pains running through my head. It was my own fault really, i had gotten off work a little earlier than usual and decided to go for a walk while it was still light out. My downfall really was when I had decided against bringing a coat, instead trusting the stupid jumper I was wearing to keep me warm. The weather had looked nice enough to begin with but after 20 minutes the sky had decided to chuck buckets of water down on me and I was drenched, resulting in the now painful cold I had given myself. I opened my eyes again and looked at the clock, trying to turn the minutes back to give me more sleep. When this failed, I rolled out of my fluffy, lucious cloud of a bed and walked to the bathroom, hoping a warm shower would wake me up and heal my blocked sinuses. I rubbed my eyes as I stepped into the tiled room, looking at the mirror. My reflection wasn't too bad although I could see my eyes were a little puffy and my nose was sporting a tinge of flaring red. Sighing, I turned the shower on and undressed, pulling my hair up into a bun and stepping into the relaxing steamy fumes. When I had finished getting ready and had grabbed a breakfast bar that would end up ignored in my locker, I trudged out the door, locking it behind me and starting the 10 minute walk to the hospital. I really hoped I would have time to grab some medicine before rounds but I doubted it, seeing as I had spent way too long dying in the shower. A strong breeze ripped past me and I shuddered, pulling my coat closer to me and trying to hold down the scratching cough at the back of my throat. I soon arrived at the hospital doors and gladly went inside, thankful for the shelter against the weather. I walked slowly to the residents' locker room, smiling at a few nurses as they walked past. The room was bustling with noise as I entered and a few people called out my name but I just smiled, making my way over to my locker next to Alex. He turned to face me once he saw me coming over and chuckled at my pained expression. "You look like crap." He said as I stripped off my jacket and jumper, pulling my scrubs over the long sleeved shirt I thankfully wore. "Thanks so much Karev." I hissed, now pulling off my trousers and yanking on the rougher blue scrub ones. "No worries Y/N." He grinned at me and I rolled my eyes, sitting down next to him. The locker room seemed to be getting louder by the second and I shut my eyes, trying to block out the dull pain in my head. I stayed like that for a few minutes until I felt Alex nudge me, "Come on don't want the interns slacking off." I nodded and groaned, standing up. We walked side by side until we reached the nurse's station and he went off to torment his group of suck ups. I gathered the folders with patient info and dragged myself over to my 4 interns who stared at me. "What are you waiting for?" I said harshly and they scampered, heading off to the first patient's room as I followed behind. I wasn't usually that harsh with the interns but I was strict and they behaved well, eager to learn. I tried my best to educate them but sometimes they really got on my nerves. Once we made our way into the first patient's room, the interns lined up by the door while I walked to the bed. "Goodmorning Mr Davis, how are you doing today?" I asked softly, trying to hide my running nose. "Alright, hurts a little but it's getting better." I nodded and looked over to one of my interns, "Johnson?" At once the intern started pratlling on about Mr Davis' case and I nodded along, half listening to him, half trying not to close my eyes. He stopped talking fairly quickly and I nodded, "well done, we need hourly checkups on Mr Davis' vitals for the next few days but you should be ready to go home in a few days." I directed the last part at the patient who nodded and smiled. I walked out the room and passed the interns out the patient folders. The next patient was Mrs Walker who had recently had a rhinoplasty to fix her incredibly wonky broken nose from falling off a ladder while painting her house. It had been a simple case but there were complications in the OR and she was now under careful watch. I noticed Mark standing in the corner of the room and I winced, hoping he would ignore me. I walked to the corner of the room by the door and stood a little away from the patient, listening drowsily to the interns. "Morning Y/N." A voice behind me whispered and my heart picked up pace when I recognised Mark's flirty tone. "Sloan." I said curtly, trying to disguise my illness because I know he would make a big deal out of it and really it was nothing. "Ouch, what's got your panties in a twist today?" Mark teased, easily letting the dirty words roll off his tongue. "Nothing." I retorted, not daring to look Mark in the eye. I could feel the warmth of his body behind me and I wanted so desperately to reach out and let his comforting hold engulf me but I couldn't, not wanting him to make a big deal. "If you say so missy." He replied, whispering close to my ear. Despite my cold, I could feel heat rush through my body at Mark's seductive words. Normally I could retort with a witty remark but today the only thing my brain could focus on was the increasing ache in my bones. "Mark if you have finished flirting with Dr L/N, we have other patients to attend to." Derek called out, and I blushed, not even realising he had come into the room. "See you later L/N." Mark said as he left the room, leaving me wanting his heat back. The rest of rounds passed by incredibly slow and I now sat in the locker room again, trying to catch up on forms and paperwork that needed filling out. I had turned most of the lights off so the room was darker and was nursing a warm coffee in my hands. The soothing silence was helping to ease the growing ache in my head but the incessant coughing wasn't letting up. Suddenly, my pager started beeping and I groaned, putting my hot drink down and speed walking to Bailey. I was almost in the patient's room when I spotted Mark coming out of another room a few doors down and I quickly leaped into a supply closet before he could see me. I really loved Mark but he didn't need to see me when I was all runny nosed and coughing like a diseased hag. I waited 20 seconds, counting in my head before opening the door again and checking the coast was clear. It was so I walked out and over to Bailey's patient's room where she stood, talking to him about his upcoming surgery. She shot me daggers when I entered the room and I mouthed a sorry before explaining to Mr Morrison the risks. At lunchtime, I had just finished with a code blue, hoping to head to a dark, quiet space away from distractions. I was just stepping around a corner when I bumped into a solid chest, immediately apologising before looking up to see who it was. "Oh, Mark." I said, scanning the area to look for a way out and avoiding his gorgeous eyes. "Sorry about that Y/N, seems I have a knack for bumping into pretty women going for their lunch." I nodded absent-mindedly, trying to get away. "Right yeah urm I need to go." I said, going to walk past Mark but he grabbed my arm and pulled me back. "Woah woah woah what's the matter?" He asked, instantly concerned at my dismissal of his flirting. "Nothing." I said and he shook his head, bending his head down to meet my averting gaze. "You said that earlier." Mark continued, both hands now on my arms as he kept me still. "mm." I hummed, staring at the wall behind Mark. "You sure you're okay, you look a bit like your going to throw up." He said, concern lacing his voice. "No Im fine." I said, smiling weakly before scooting off down the halls leaving a worried plastic surgeon behind. For the rest of the afternoon, I sat on the bottom floor filling out charts. My headache and coughs had been getting progressively worse to the point where I could barely move due to my body aching so much. Luckily I wasn't in any surgeries today and Bailey hadn't been so much on my heels today although Mark had paged me a few times to the Attending room which I ignored. He had spotted me earlier after Mer had wanted me in the research room but I had run down the halls back here before he could catch me. I knew it was only a matter of time before he sought me out. I was almost done filling out the last chart when the door swung open and a familiar head of peppered hair came through the doors. I cringed inwardly and tried to make myslef as small as possible in the gap between the two hospital beds. I waited, trying to control my laboured breathing as he walked nearer, calling out my name. I closed my eyes shut as he closed in on my position. "Y/N?" Mark asked as he spotted my feet poking out from between the two beds. I winced at his voice and he ducked down, crouching in front of me and placing a hand on each of my bent knees. "Y/N?" He asked again and I opened my eyes. He sucked in a breath and immediately tried to bring me closer to him but I groaned. "No please Mark it hurts." I whispered, my voice just a croak. "Jesus Y/N you look like a ghost." Mark said, his face serious and eyes kind. I tried to smile but I couldn't manage, my head flaring up with every movement. Mark gathered the charts I had lying around me and placed them on the nearby bed before squatting back down. "Hey let's get you out of here." He softly said, but I shook my head, sniffling and wincing at the ache. "Come on, I'll help you." He continued, placing a hand on my warm cheek. I looked into his eyes and gave in, nodding slightly. Mark wrapped an arm around my waist and put another on my hip as he helped lift me up, careful to not be to rough. "That's it." He softly spoke, my hands resting on his upper arms for support. As soon as I was standing he brought me into his chest, resting his head on top of mine and stroking my back softly. I closed my eyes and breathed in his comforting scent, relaxing into the warmth. I felt Mark's hand smooth my hair and kiss the top of my head before he whispered, "Why didn't you tell me you were ill?" He stepped back slightly but still held me close, looking into my eyes. "I didn't want to bother you, it's not that bad." I replied, slightly shaky. "Y/N..." Mark said, brushing my hair behind my ear and cupping my face. "What bother's me is not knowing your ill and not being able to help." He said, bringing me back into his arms. "Im sorry." I said, nuzzling into his neck. "It's okay, let's get you into bed." Mark replied, kissing my forehead. Mark had ended up persuading me to go to his house, and I was currently stood in his bathroom, a towel wrapped around me. The steam from the hot shower had freed up my nose a little but the throbbing in my head hadn't let up yet. I walked into Mark's bedroom, rubbing my eyes. "Hey." Mark smirked, making me open my eyes to see his stupid self standing there with a cheeky grin as his eyes ran up and down my body. "My eyes are up here." I said quietly, making him chuckle and a small smile come across my face. "You know I think my towel on you is my new favourite look of yours." Mark said as he watched me walk across the carpeted floor to him. I narrowed my eyes at him and sniffled, holding onto the white fluffy towel that just surpassed my bum tightly. "If I wasn't so ill right now Sloan, I'd punch that pretty little grin off of your face." I hissed, taking the sweatpants and tshirt out of his hands. "Oh so you think I'm pretty then?" Mark teased, eyes still wandering. "Piss off." I said, watching Mark as he smirked wider and I headed into the bathroom again, closing the door. When I had managed to pull the black tshirt on, I looked at the sweatpants and groaned, resenting having to struggle into another item of huge clothing. It was worse than putting leggings on after swimming. I had panties on and Mark's tshirt came down to my mid thigh so I unlocked the door, hoping Mark had a pair of shorts I could wear. As soon as I stepped out, Mark sat up on the bed, eyes raking my body yet again. "Jeez Y/N you think you were trying to kill a man." He said as I walked towards him, cradeling the sweatpants. I was exhausted and couldn't think of any remark so just stuck my hands out, extending the sweatpants to Mark. "I'm too tired to put them on." I said quietly before a violent cough coursed through my body. "Okay come here." Mark said and sat me down on the bed, taking the sweatpants. I expected him to walk off to get some shorts but he crouched down in front of me and lifted my ankle into the cuff of the sweatpants. I blushed and muttered, "thanks." Mark just grinned and winked cheekily, making my face flush even more. He brought the sweatpants to my knees before asking me to stand up which I did. He went to take them up further and started lifting the tshirt before I grabbed his hands. "I think I can do the rest." I said softly, rolling my eyes at Mark's constant dirty flirting. "Worth a try." He remarked, brushing the hair out my face. Once I had gotten the sweatpants on and had gulped down 2 glasses of water and some medicine, I walked back from the hallway to Mark's room, seeing him lying in the bed with his pyjamas on. I yawned and smiled sleepily. "Gonna come join me missy?" He asked, flicking the duvet off to reveal his tartan clad legs and comfy bed. I nodded, dragging myself to the other side of the bed and climbing in before resting next to Mark. He chuckled and lifted me slightly, laying my head down on his chest and wrapping my arm around his waist while he hugged mine. I sighed contently and snuggled into his warming body, letting waves of sleepiness wash over me, lulling me to sleep. Mark turned the bedside light off and kissed the top of my head, whispering, "Night love." I smiled and closed my eyes, drifting off.

#mark sloan x reader #mark #mark sloan #greys anatomy imagine #greys #greys anatomy #grays anatomy #derek shepherd #cold #sloan #imagine #x reader #oneshot #mark sloan imagine

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cowboyjen68 · 5 years ago

Note

hey jen, at 22 still i find myself crying and shaking when my family says things like people at mcds shouldnt make a living wage bc “working there is a lazy job” if im not silent. presenting them with facts never helps, they even laugh at me i feel like i know so much awful things about the world and no one around me cares or has empathy for others. how do i cope? how do i accept difference in opinion that feels fundamental to me i.e. having enough money and food to live should be a human right

Sorry for the delay.. but nutty around here with the warmer days.

When I was 22 I remember feeling flustered with many of my family members and friends on subjects I thought were “no brainers”. When someone had a differing opinion I was shocked. In my mind.. how could someone support a church that preached hate or why wouldn’t everyone be okay with gay people (I was not yet out) at least being given the right to live their lives safely? Why would anyone oppose laws to protect farm animals from abuse? How could anyone be okay with animals being used as test subjects for makeup?

I learned over time that everyone’s experience is different than mine. And by experience i mean life long exposure to ideals that are not true or are ethically sketchy. If certain things are repeated in one’s echo chamber enough they believe it. Once that foundation of untruth is built, eveyr other opinion they hold with be balanced on that. If your foundation is that animals are lesser beings or feel no pain then you can’t see any reason to worry about their well being.

Minimum wage was never intended to be a “living wage”. It was supposed to prevent employers from paying just “whatever”. It is not the “base line” pay that companies are supposed to use as a starting point. Many employers that it as the most they have to pay when some one starts and take not facts of budgeting life into consideration, or maybe they just don’t care. What was supposed to be the lowest pay allowed has turned into the only pay we offer, allowing giant corporations to pay non living wages and then excusing that away by claiming “teenagers don’t need a living wage” or “retired people just work here for a little fun money”.

Your family has heard THAT corporate rhetoric over and over and they buy it. They also fear that that 1.00 chicken sandwich will get a huge price increase. In reality just a few cents on every meal item could give each employee a pretty big pay boost. They also believe that brands are “their friends” because that is the advertising message the companies bombard them with. AND it works. I was in market for 25 years... I see how this sh#t is going down. The companies big wigs are banking millions.. but they “take all the risk”. If each corp officer of Mcdonald’s was paid HALF of that they make they would barely notice the bump but that could raise their work force out of poverty.

Here is the think with money it seems. When you have little you want a little more. When you have a lot, you want a LOT more.

SO you know all this.. you see the deal and what is going on. They don’t. My advice? Stop trying to change the minds of those who don’t want change. They will only double down on their misinformation. Look at them like children in your mind. As if they just can’t possibly get it. And let them have at their stupidity.

Change is a long game and you have better ways of spending your energy and time than banging you head on the proverbial brick wall of ignorance. Write to politicians, write to businesses you use and tell them to give raises to their hard working employees. Write an opinion piece for local papers. Use your energy where you can make a difference. Getting Uncle Joe to understand won’t get you far (but you will have a headache) unless he is a CEO or Senator.

I have learned to avoid those topics that they will never get.. even gay stuff with my brother, and enjoy the time I do spend with them talking about family stuff or their memories or just enjoying a movie. It is okay to leave the hard stuff alone. You will only get stressed and not accomplish much. It is okay to not save the world starting with your family.

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aceldrake · 5 years ago

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Why wont he love me?

Im standing in the kitchen. My back is straight, and I'm chewing on my thumbnail. I do that a lot, chew on my nail until I bleed. The sting is a distraction. A small distraction. nothing can dull out the sense of dread that spreads through my entire body. numbing my nerve endings. This happens every day, at a half past 4 .Me standing in the kitchen trying not to panic. Because it means I have one hour. 60 minuets to myself before he pulls into the driveway. 60 minuets before the garage door hums into life and begins its slow decent upwards. 60 mins before he walks across the garage, opens the door and steps into the house. Our house...No. His house. It's his. Everything is his. He doesnt allow me to stake claim to anything. Everything is his. 60 mins to enjoy the calm and peace. 60 mins left of the kids being happy and content. 1 hour of pain free, anxiety free, solitude. 1 hour before my husband come's home. I hate it when he's home. He's tired and annoyed, and if I dont have a hot meal on the table....and I wont...hes going to be angry. He's always angry. I think my mere presence pisses him off. The way I look, or maybe the way I don't look...shit. I knew he'd notice the 3 pounds I put on over the holiday's... the way I talk...he hates me. I dont know why. I cant figure out why he cant stand me. I'm his wife, shouldn't he love me? take care of me? protect me? But he doesn't. hes the most painful part of my life. He gets off on hurting me. And I deserve it, I think? Im not sure, Honestly. He says I do but he never tells me WHY I deserve it. Just that I do and ive just started believing it. Maybe its true, maybe its not. but there is no point in arguing with him about it. That just makes him even more upset, which just makes it hurt that much more. Better to just clench my teeth take it and pretend it didnt happen. Bruises fade, bones heal. Cuts and scrapes scab over and eventually disappear. The scars hes left...at least the physical ones...are easy enough to tuck out of site. The lies I tell myself and others flow freely from my tongue, and eventually I can convince myself that they are, in fact, truths. I love him, thats all that matters, right? Thats the only thing that is important. I love him. I've always loved him. I can love enough for the both of us. My affection and constant, unwavering loyalty makes up for everything. I'ts my fault. I should have hugged him tighter. Kissed him harder, deeper. With more passion. I shouldn't have faked that orgasm...or at the very least, I should have been more convincing. It's my body, not his performance thats the problem. He's good in bed...amazing. Hes never not been able to satisfy his partner....its my fault. Silly me, of course its my fault.

A toddlers shriek of excitement makes me jump. I glance at the clock...five thirty...my mouth goes dry. Oh god. Hes home. I stare out the front window and my blood goes cold. His red car is in the driveway. Hes still seated in the drivers seat, head bent. Hes on his phone, probably telling Her to give him a few personal minuets and then , Yes. She can come over. At least when shes here he only hurts me with his words. Thats a small comfort. Im frantically hurrying around the living room, trying to clean, trying to tidy up the mess the babies have left in the living room. Stupid. How could I lose track of time. The house has to be clean before hes home. Its a requirement. His requirement. The door opens. I freeze. I hear him scuff. He takes off his cover. His boots....Pulls his belt out of the loops and toss it over the arm of the couch. The same routine every day. Come in. Strip in the laundry room, so his uniform can be freshly washed before work the next morning. I remain in the front room, still on my knees, hand froze over the toy bin.

Hes mad. Hes pissed. I can hear it in the way hes banging around the laundry room. Is he mad at me, or was work just particularly rough today...Ether way, im paying the price for it. I quickly take stock of my body....flexing muscles. Legs are sore...left arm fine. Right arm still throbbing from two days ago. My head will probably be fine, but I guess it depends on how rough he is. Maybe a concussion or hopefully, if im lucky, it will just be ringing in my ears and a headache. I take a deep breath and stand. My hands fist nervously at my side.

I walk around the corner and my words die in my throat. The expression on his face says everything. He glares at me and goes to the fridge, opens it, and pulls out a beer. My blood is ice inside my veins. White noise in my ears. I turn, grab my babies and hurry them upstairs. My hands shake and I drop the ROKU remote twice before I can get the TV working and a cartoon playing. I raise the volume as high as their little ears can handle, and hope that its loud enough. I kiss their sweet, innocent little faces, my lips tremble but I fight back the rising panic. I close the door behind me, swear under my breath when I hear my sons soft voice cry out in protest and his sister plead with me to stay. I close my eyes and bite down on my lower lip. I hate doing it, but it has to be done. For their safety. I lock the door. Effectively sealing them inside the master bedroom. If they are locked behind a door, they wont see it. They wont see what I know is about to happen. They wont get in the way, and he wont hurt them. I dont think he would ever intentionally hurt them, but accidents happen and I'm not willing to take that risk. I would never really know if it was an accident or not. Cant risk that. I stand at the top of the stairs. I force my mouth into a smile and make my legs move. My home is a nightmare. My husband hates me. And I dont know why.

#domesticviolence #spousalabuse #panic #pain #fear

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phantasticworks · 5 years ago

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If You Don’t Love Me, Pretend - Chapter Nine

Hi everyone!! Thank you so much for all the lovely comments on the last chapter, it literally makes me so happy to see everyone enjoying this story so far! <3 I hope you all are staying safe and taking care of yourselves in quarantine!!

read on ao3

Words: 10.7k

Summary: The twins have their first day of school and Dan and Phil find out some new information about their family.

Warnings for this chapter: Swearing, mentions of past trauma (but very subtle)

Surprisingly, Dan manages to get through a few hours of work without any serious incidents reported to him, but every chance he gets, he checks his phone for any new messages. Eventually, he opens it to find something he constitutes as a mild emergency and decides to take a break to give it his full attention.

Phil: So I have a tiny headache the twins will be fine if I go have a lie down for a bit yeah?

Dan: are you feeling dizzy?

Phil: Not really? Just tired and my eyes hurt.

Dan: take your contacts out and go have a nap

Phil: Yeah?

Dan: yeah they should be fine i hope you feel better

Phil: :)

He doesn’t text Phil back, his stomach twisting with nerves at the thought that Phil is there alone with the kids with a headache. He wasn’t so worried about him not being able to take care of the kids, but he was very concerned about the migraine. Phil’s doctor had already warned him to not overwork himself. Suddenly Dan starts wondering if he’s been putting too much of his own work on Phil.

Dan worries himself about this for the next half hour or so, but when his phone dings, he welcomes the distraction.

Phil: The kids are literally playing so loud. Like they’re perfectly fine but they’re in their room and they’re like SCREAMING

Dan: just put in some headphones and drown them

Dan: OUT drown them OUT

Dan: Do not drown our children.

Phil: LMAO

Phil: Stop making me laugh it’s making my head hurt more.

Dan: :( im sorry love. I’ll be home soon to take care of you

Phil: Don’t be silly, I’m a grown man, I can take care of myself.

Dan: im going to pretend you didnt just try and pass up my servitude

Dan: dont be noble or whatever you know i dont mind taking care of you

Phil: I know. Thank you.

Dan: if you feel like getting up take some medicine and maybe put a movie on upstairs for the kids? I should be home in an hour

Phil: Alright. See you later.

Dan: <3

Dan hurries to finish the document he’s working on, and he’s out of the office within half an hour. He stops at a shop and grabs some chocolate and a pack of little marshmallows that Phil likes, mainly just to cheer him up, since it wasn’t a cure for a migraine by a longshot. He considers getting takeaway, but he knows they’ve already agreed to stop doing that so much, for the kids’ sake.

When he gets home, the flat is mostly quiet, only the soft sound of the TV drifting down the stairs. He toes his shoes off quietly before making his way to his bedroom, the door left slightly ajar. The light is off, but there’s a lump under the duvet in the form of his best friend. He can tell from his breathing and the tense set of his shoulders that he’s not asleep, as hard as he’s probably trying to do just that.

“Phil?” Dan murmurs, walking over to sit on the edge of the bed.

Phil rolls over, his eyes finding Dan in the darkness of the room. “Hey,” he rasps out. Dan studies him, frowning when he notes how red Phil’s eyes look.

“Did you take your contacts out?” He asks, his voice bordering on accusing.

“Yes.”

“Have you… Were you crying?” Dan asks softly.

Phil hesitates before shrugging, wincing a little at the movement. “My head just really hurts,” he breathes.

Dan’s heart squeezes painfully seeing the pain Phil is going through. “Oh, love,” he sighs. He stands up, moving towards the bathroom. “Hold on, let me get something.” He runs a cloth under hot water, squeezing the water out to use it as a hot compress. They really needed to invest in some of those, honestly. “Here,” he says softly, brushing Phil’s hair off his forehead and playing the towel gently over his forehead. “Wait right here, I’m going to get you some coffee.”

“I don’t really-”

“I know, babe, but you know it helps. You don’t have to drink all of it, yeah?”

He watches Phil’s Adam’s apple bob as he swallows. “Okay,” he whispers, his eyes closing.

Dan hurries to the kitchen and quickly makes Phil a cup of coffee, racking his brain for anything else that might help him. He comes up short, so when the coffee is ready, he takes it back to their bedroom. “Sit up for me?” Phil follows his instructions and reaches out for the mug, his hands shaking more than usual. “I’ll hold it,” Dan mumbles.

After Phil’s sipped all he can handle, Dan allows him to lay back down. “I’m going to go check on the kids and I’ll be right back, okay?”

Surprising him, Phil shakes his head a little. “No, I just- I need to sleep,” he says pleadingly.

Dan hesitates, but nods uncertainly. “Okay. I’ll shut the door, then… But you have to text me if you need anything.”

“I will,” Phil agrees.

Nodding, Dan moves to leave the room, pausing when he hears Phil’s voice again. “Hm?”

“I said thank you.”

His heart melting, Dan walks back over and presses a kiss to Phil’s cheek. “Of course,” he murmurs. “Get some sleep, yeah?”

Phil only nods, his eyes closing again, his eyelashes fluttering. Dan hopes sleep finds him easily this time, and he really hopes he has the best dreams.

Dan finds his way upstairs and spends some time with the twins, who are very worried about Phil apparently. He assures them that he’s fine, and they watch a movie quietly before Dan heads back downstairs to start dinner and check on Phil. He stops in their room first, quietly opening the door and slipping inside.

“Phil?” He calls softly.

Phil doesn’t stir, and Dan quietly tiptoes over, finding the towel discarded on the floor. He notices that Phil’s coffee cup is a little emptier, which he takes as a good sign. He smiles a little, but what really warms him is when he studies Phil. He’s not on his own side of the bed this time. Instead, he’s migrated over to Dan’s and he’s got Dan’s pillow wrapped in his arms, his nose buried in the fabric. A tiny part of Dan wonders if feeling closer to him helped Phil sleep. He finds that he likes that idea quite a lot. However, it’s a stupid thought, and he discards it quickly.

He presses his hand gently to Phil’s forehead to check for a temperature. Luckily, he feels fine, maybe even a bit chilly. Dan tugs the duvet over him, making sure he doesn’t get cold. With another lingering look, he tiptoes out of the room to go make dinner for everyone, a secret grin on his lips.

~~~

The night before the first day of school was rough. For Dan, at least. The kids were surprisingly excited to be starting at such a good school, and Phil was excited that they were excited. Dan, however, was a bit of a nervous wreck. He knew there was no reason for him to be particularly nervous, but those first-day-of-school jitters had never left him for some reason, and even now that it wasn’t his first day at a new school, he still felt anxiety swelling up in his chest the night before.

“Could you turn your volume down a bit, love?” Phil mumbles from his spot on the bed beside Dan.

Dan startles a bit, not realizing that Phil was still awake and could hear the music he was playing on his phone. “Sorry,” he whispers back, turning the volume down a couple notches.

Phil hums and there’s a moment of quiet before there’s a shifting on the mattress, accompanied by a weight pressing down on Dan’s waist, in the form of Phil’s arm. “Are you going to sleep tonight?” Phil murmurs against the shell of Dan’s ear.

Shivering lightly at the brush of his lips, Dan shrugs. “Maybe. Can’t sleep right now. Too anxious.”

“Yeah?” Phil responds. “Wanna talk about it?”

Dan mulls it over before shrugging, unconsciously allowing his hand to fall to Phil’s arm, where he begins stroking gently. “I don’t want the kids to get bullied. I’m afraid that if anyone asks about their parents or their home life, they’ll tell them they’re living with us.”

Phil seems to pause to take this in. “And you don’t want anyone knowing that they live with us?” He sounds confused, and he has every right to, because Dan’s not quite sure that’s it, but he’s even less sure about how he wants to describe it.

“No, it’s not that, I just… I don’t want them to get made fun of, for us. Like, for having two dads? I know we aren’t- I don’t really know how to describe it.” Dan lets out a frustrated huff, his anxiety about the whole thing making it even harder to formulate a cohesive thought about it.

“I think I get it, Dan. You don’t want the kids to have to deal with those little homophobic twats that they’ll inevitably encounter. But, we can’t do anything about someone else’s kids and their homophobia, Dan. What we can do is raise ours to be compassionate and accepting, you know?” Phil strokes his thumb against Dan’s hipbone, lightly raking his t-shirt up with every stroke.

Completely without his permission, tears spring to Dan’s eyes, and he knows that he’s likely going to start sobbing if Phil doesn’t change the subject soon. Something else prickles at the back of his mind then, and he can’t help but stop the movement of his hand against Phil’s arm in contemplation. “You say “ours” an awful lot now,” he comments.

Phil stiffens, and his movement against Dan’s skin slows to a stop. “Is that a problem?” he asks cautiously.

Dan can feel his face heating up, and he ducks his head, pretending to be focused on his phone, where the Spotify app is still quietly playing music. “No… I like it. It makes me feel like we’re really a family.” The words are whispered, and Dan almost wishes he’d muffled them against his arm.

There’s a breath of quiet laughter then, followed by the feeling of Phil fully relaxing against Dan’s back. “We are.”

Dan turns off his Spotify playlist and locks his phone, tossing it onto his nightstand for the night. There’s a brief flare of uncertainty that Phil might not appreciate the closeness, but Dan pushes that thought away and presses himself back, snuggling into Phil’s warmth.

Phil hums, a content noise that resonates through Dan’s body in their closeness, and Dan smiles in response. “Night,” he whispers, closing his eyes.

“Night, bear.” There’s definitely a kiss pressed to the back of his head, but for once Dan doesn’t feel like he should pretend he didn’t notice. He doesn’t call him out on it, but when he feels Phil’s breathing evening up behind him, he tugs the hand Phil had settled on his waist, lifting it gently to press a kiss to his palm.

It’s nothing, he reminds himself firmly as he allows himself to drift to sleep. It was just a little selfish moment. Everyone is a little selfish once in awhile.

~~~

“Bear? It’s time to get up, come on, I made breakfast.” The voice was too close to Dan’s ear, and it made him whine in protest, squeezing his eyes shut tighter.

“Don’t wanna,” he mumbles, rolling over to speak into his pillow.

Phil laughs, and a second later Dan feels Phil’s hands carding through his hair. “Daniel,” he says firmly.

Dan groans, tilting his head enough to open one eye. Phil’s face is close, and there’s a soft sort of smile on his face. “Don’t use your dad voice on me.”

“My what?” Phil says through a laugh.

Rolling his eyes, Dan rolls over onto his back, tossing his head over to the side and pressing his forehead against Phil’s thigh. “You know. Your dad voice. That’s exactly how you talk to the kids when you’re pretending to be stern.” His voice is slightly muffled into Phil’s pajama pants, and he ignores the way that feels slightly inclined to press his lips to the flannel.

“I do not!” Phil protests, tugging on Dan’s curls.

“Ow,” Dan whines. “You do, but I’ll let you keep thinking that you don’t.”

Phil huffs loudly. “Whatever. It’s time to get up, the kids are already eating their breakfast, and you need to get up.”

“Ugh, fine.” Despite his half-assed agreement, Dan makes no move to get out of the bed. He thinks he’s gotten away with this when he feels the bed shifting with Phil’s weight, and he snuggles back into the blankets, allowing his eyes to drift shut.

“I’ve gotten the kids’ lunch- Dan!” Phil’s voice pitches up an octave, as he apparently realizes that Dan has yet to get out of bed.

“What? I’m going, I’m going,” He whines, rolling over to face the opposite way. “I just need… a few more minutes…”

“Daniel James, if you aren’t out of that bed in one minute, there will be consequences.” Phil’s voice is hard, and Dan can tell he’s likely getting annoyed, and maybe not in a joking way.

Grumbling under his breath, Dan rolls out of bed, coming to stand in front of Phil. “I’m up, don’t get your knickers in a wad.” He crosses his arms over his chest, which probably just proves how childish he’s being.

Phil tilts his head, a soft look in his eyes. “You’re…” He stops himself, and Dan arches an eyebrow.

“I’m what?”

Without so much as another word, Phil steps forward, wrapping an arm around Dan’s waist and pressing his lips to his forehead sweetly. “You’re being a brat, but I know you’re tired, so I’ll let you be grumpy. Pancakes are on the table.”

Dan doesn’t even have a moment to reply before Phil is stepping away, out the bedroom door as if he hadn’t spoken at all.

Shaking his head slowly, Dan makes his way over to the bathroom. After a quick wee, he washes his hands and makes his way to the kitchen, the scent of pancakes leading him in. He needs to shower, but pancakes are far more important to him right now, and he knows he should eat first anyway. The sound of voices makes him smile, especially when he recognizes Phil’s, telling the kids that they can go wild with the toppings.

“Don’t get them jacked up on sugar, Phil, we don’t want their poor teachers to have breakdowns on the first day of school,” Dan says, rolling his eyes as he enters the kitchen, bumping Phil’s hip as he goes over to the coffee pot.

Phil glances over at him, shrugging innocently. “I did nothing. I’m just an innocent bystander, honestly.”

Dan quirks a brow at him as he pours himself a cup of coffee, his gaze sliding over to the twins, who are both hiding smiles as they pile treats atop their pancakes. He shoots Phil a pointed look, and the older man’s face flushes. “Mhm,” Dan hums disbelievingly.

“Come on, Dan! It’s the first day of school! They deserve to have a good breakfast for that,” Phil protests, holding his hands together as if he’s praying. He puts on his best pitiful expression, clearly begging for mercy with his breakfast shenanigans.

Rolling his eyes at the ridiculous expression on his best friend’s face, Dan pushes past him, going to sit at the table. “Fine, but you have to do the dishes when we’re done.” At Phil’s answering pout, Dan shakes his head. “Nope, not gonna work. They’re going to be all sticky, and you’ve created this mess, bub.”

“Fine,” Phil sighs petulantly, dropping into the chair beside Dan. “I guess I can do the dishes.”

Dan smiles sweetly. “I guess you can too. Now, let me see those marshmallows.”

After eating too much of a too-sweet breakfast, Dan sends the kids to get ready for school, calling after them to remember to brush their teeth and wash the syrup off their faces. He takes one glance at the state of the dining table and decides to take pity on Phil. Sighing, he begins gathering up all of their condiments and moving to go place them in the cupboards where they belong.

“Did you change your mind about the dishes by any chance?” Phil asks sweetly, smiling with his tongue poking between his teeth.

Dan rolls his eyes at the suggestion. “Nope. But if I don’t put these up, you’ll probably eat them as soon as I turn my back.”

Phil mumbles something that’s probably a protest, but Dan dutifully ignores him. “Can we do a family picture with the kids before they leave?” He asks suddenly, turning away from where he’d begun washing their dishes.

“Uh, yeah, sure,” Dan replies slowly. “What made you think of that?” He asks softly, moving to place some of the sweets in a cupboard beside Phil. He stays there even after he’s closed the door, leaning his back against the counter and facing Phil, his arms crossed.

“I don’t know, I just…” Phil shrugs helplessly then, looking a little lost for whatever reason. “I want to remember those kinds of things, you know? Like, this is our first assignment, and I want to have memories of them when they go back home, or… wherever,” Phil’s voice drops off, and Dan can tell the idea bothers him just as much.

Pulse suddenly racing, Dan steps behind him, cautiously looping his arms around Phil’s waist and setting his chin on the older man’s shoulder. “I know it’s tough to think about them going home,” he whispers.

Inconveniently, his heart rate picks up further, jackhammering into the other man’s shoulder blades.

There’s a hand in his hair then, fingers threading through the curls. “It’s their first day of school with us,” Phil says helplessly. “I’m so excited for them, but...” His voice sounds froggy and snotty, and Dan has never related more.

“Yeah,” Dan breathes out softly.

Dan doesn’t let the hug linger. He extricates himself from Phil’s personal bubble and fusses with his hair instead of pulling him closer, holding him longer. Phil’s gaze darts to him for a moment, but he drops it back to the dishes in the sink. A glance at the clock confirms that he needs to hurry up and shower if he’s going to make it to work on time. “I have to shower, sorry.” He’s not sure what he’s apologizing for, other than for the firm set of Phil’s mouth as he putters with the dishware.

When he finishes showering, he hurries to get dressed so he can go put together lunch for himself and the kids, running through a mental list in his head of all the things he needed to remember to grab before he left. He’s a little more stressed than he’d anticipated, but he’s sure that when they’re in the car he’ll feel less nervous. He just needed to get everything together first, and then he’d be fine.

He stumbles into the kitchen as he tugs on a black sock, not paying attention to his surroundings. When he trips over his own foot, he’s fully prepared to go crashing to the floor and probably die or something, but before he can, he feels himself being caught.

“You need to slow down or you’re going to kill yourself,” Phil laughs, steadying him by his shoulders. It’s a completely different Phil than the one he had left in the kitchen twenty minutes before.

“I’m in a hurry!” Dan pulls the sock on with one final tug and hops deftly out of Phil’s lingering touch, headed for the twins’ lunchboxes.

Except they’ve vanished.

He stops, squinting at the empty space on the counter. He knew for a fact that he’d left them right there, and now they were just… gone. What the hell?

He whirls around, his eyes flittering around the room as he struggles to locate them.

“Looking for something?” Phil asks.

“Yeah, the fucking-“ Dan pauses as he glances over at Phil, something in his voice striking his interest.

Phil rolls his eyes before shooting a pointed glance over at the edge of the table, where the lunchboxes were sitting neatly with the twins’ backpacks and Dan’s laptop bag.

“Oh,” Dan says slowly, a little confused. “Did you-?” He hesitates, looking over to Phil with a raised eyebrow.

“Yeah, I packed lunch. Yours too.” Phil nods back to the table then, and Dan’s gaze catches on the extra lunchbox on the table.

Dan’s inconvenient heart is warm. “Oh,” he repeats, sort of lost now that he has nothing to do. “Thank you.”

Phil grins at him. “I told you there were things I could do.”

Dan rolls his eyes at this, crossing his arms as Phil moves away from the refrigerator. “I never said you couldn’t,” Dan reminds him helpfully.

“Yeah, well,” Phil shrugs then. “Your mum,” he mutters, quite predictably.

Dan giggles, but before he can bant back, they hear the sound of feet running toward the kitchen. “No running in the house, guys!” Dan calls, smirking when the sound of the stampede quiets immediately. Phil rolls his eyes at this, but smiles broadly at the kids when they walk in. “Everyone ready for school?” He asks brightly, his optimism infectious.

The twins nod excitedly, and Amelia quickly moves to put her backpack on. “I’m ready to go!” She says excitedly.

“Hold on just a second, Mia, Dan and I want to get some pictures of you and your brother on your first day of school,” he says, gesturing for her to put her backpack back on the table.

“Where do you want them to stand?” Dan asks, moving to stand closer to Phil and handing him his phone that had been on the edge of the table.

“Hmm… Balcony, maybe? That would be a nice background,” Phil suggests, nodding to the patio behind them.

Dan nods, gesturing for the kids to go ahead of him. “Go stand beside the plant out there, that’ll look nice.” He ushers them over to it and positions them in front of it, straightening Jaiden’s little tie as he does. “There we go. Mia, did you brush your hair this morning?”

Amelia nods, running a hand through it to prove that it’s tangle-free. “Yes!”

“Good, I’ll spray some hairspray in it before we go- are they good, Phil?” Dan interrupts himself to ask, stepping back and studying their poses with a curious eye.

Phil nods, tugging on Dan’s shirt. “Yeah, now get out of the way a little,” he teases as he brings the phone up to snap some photos. “Alright, say school!”

The kids grin and say the word simultaneously, and Dan’s heart is filled with warmth at how genuinely excited they seem, though his stomach churned at the idea that their school experience might turn out like his. He reminds himself that things are different, times have changed and schools must be better. Hopefully he’s right.

“Alright, selfie time!” Phil announces, tugging on Dan’s arm to drag him over beside the children.

“What?” He asks, trying to hold his laughter in.

“I want pictures of all of us, too!” He rolls his eyes as if it’s the most obvious thing, but doesn’t give Dan any more time to protest, as he’s crouching down and holding the phone out. “Well come on, Dan we don’t have all day,” he says, gesturing for Dan to copy his pose.

A warm feeling floods his chest at the idea of this, these family pictures that really don’t even begin to showcase all that they had to go through to be in these children’s lives. He smiles for the camera, but he can feel the emotion welling up in his chest as he waits for Phil to give them another arbitrary word to say for the picture.

As soon as they’re finished with the pictures, Dan sends the kids to get their backpacks and lunchboxes, turning to look at Phil, who’s scrolling through the pictures with a smile. “Send me those?” He requests softly. Phil glances up at him, his lips falling into a smaller, more affectionate smile.

“Of course,” he replies. “C’mere.”

Before Dan can protest, Phil latches onto his shirt and tugs him closer, opening his camera app and holding his phone out. “What-” Dan starts, glancing between Phil and the phone.

“I wanted a selfie of just us,” Phil says in lieu of an explanation.

Dan is staring at the side of his head, ruining any chance of a good selfie probably, as he considers how genuinely sweet his best friend is. Uncomfortably aware of the camera on him, Dan leans forward, pressing his lips to Phil’s cheek. He hears the shutter of the camera, but he doesn’t even care, tilting his head to smile and flick out a peace sign at it for a proper selfie.

There’s another click before Phil drops his arm, tapping the photos to get a better look at them. A smile tugs at his lips as Dan watches his face. “These are good,” he says softly. He lingers on the first one a little longer than the second but locks his phone and clears his throat after a moment, locking eyes with Dan. “C’mon, time for school.” He leads the way back inside, disappearing down the hallway to allow Dan some space to get his things together.

A few moments later and Dan’s ready to go, and he walks down the hall to find the kids waiting beside the door, listening to Phil, who’s crouched in front of them and speaking quietly. Dan can’t catch his words at first, but when he gets closer he realizes that Phil is telling them what he packed for their lunch and what to do if they don’t understand something in class. “You can raise your hand if you don’t understand, or just wait and ask me or Dan when you get home, and we’ll try to explain, okay? Make sure to use good manners with all your teachers and find good kids to be friends with.”

Dan smiles at Phil as he stops to listen to him, leaning against the wall and crossing his arms as he watches the twins react to his words. Amelia nods eagerly, but Jaiden’s eyes flicker away from Phil and over to Dan mid-lecture, a little grin making its way onto his face. Phil seems to pick up on this, and he tosses a quick glance over his shoulder at Dan, an apologetic look on his face. “Don’t let me interrupt you,” Dan gestures for him to continue. “You’re giving them some solid advice, I’ll be quiet until you’re finished.”

Phil shakes his head and stands, bringing a hand up to the back of his neck and looking a little awkward. “No, I was finished, actually. Got your keys and your phone?” He asks, turning around to face Dan.

“Yeah, Dad, I’ve got all my stuff,” Dan rolls his eyes, giving the kids a cheeky grin as he speaks.

Phil gives Dan an unamused stare. “Alright, Smarty Pants,” he grumbles. “Have a good day at work, be careful driving.”

Dan nods in response and goes to open the door. “C’mon, kiddos, time for school.”

Jaiden turns to follow Dan, but Amelia immediately moves towards Phil. Dan almost calls her back before he realizes what she’s doing.

Phil looks up at Dan in shock as Amelia wraps her arms around his waist in a hug. “Bye, Phil, I hope you have a lovely day,” she says sweetly.

An odd look covers Phil’s face as he looks down at her, and Dan almost worries that he might start crying. But then he’s grinning and petting her hair affectionately. “I’ll be fine, Mia, I’ve got to go to work later too, you know.”

Amelia nods at this and lets go of him, and Dan watches in mild surprise as Jaiden takes her place. He’d seemed the less affectionate of the two of them. Still, Jaiden seems completely comfortable going over to give Phil a hug in the same manner as his sister had, squeezing Phil tightly with a small smile. “Bye Phil, see you later.”

“Bye guys, love you, have a good day,” Phil calls after them as they move past Dan and out the door, his eyes catching Dan’s gaze. His face appears a little pinker, and Dan wonders if it has anything to do with the likely incredibly fond look that he’s shooting him right now. “What?” He says defensively, the color on his cheeks darkening when Dan only smirks.

“Nothing,” Dan sings, shaking his head as he moves out the door. “You’re just being a good dad and I’m proud of you,” he admits more quietly, the grin on his face softening into a genuine smile.

Phil rolls his eyes at this, but Dan can tell he’s fighting a smile. “Go, before you’re late.” He shoves Dan’s shoulder gently, moving him out the door faster.

“I’m going, I’m going. See you later.”

“Text me when you get to work,” is the last thing Phil says before closing the door behind Dan.

The twins are standing patiently, and Amelia has a toothy grin on her face. “What?” He asks her somewhat defensively, a little embarrassed at the playful scene they’d just witnessed.

Amelia only shrugs then, holding her hand out for Dan to take like he normally does to lead them to the garage. “You’re bein’ a good dad too,” she says simply, holding her other hand out for Jaiden, although he just shoves it away. Amelia frowns and moves to grab his hand anyway, and he slaps her hand this time.

“Jai, don’t hit your sister,” Dan says half-heartedly, his heart still jumping at the sweet thing she’d just said to him.

Jaiden reluctantly takes his sister’s hand, and a smile lights up her face as they move into the elevator. Dan allows her to press the button for the garage, watching with amusement at the relief that floods Jaiden’s face when she drops his hand. Sneakily, he moves around to Dan’s other side, tucking his hands into his pockets. He shoots a glance up at Dan and gives him a sheepish look, but Dan only winks at him. He understood the need for personal space, and honestly they were big enough not to need to hold his hand walking from the elevator to the car in a secluded parking garage, anyway.

The drive to the school is full of excited chatter from the backseat, and Dan tunes out of their conversation for the most part, spending most of his mental energy on running through a mental list of things he needed to do when he got to work, as well as thinking about where he needed to take the twins when he got them to their building. It seems like the drive was way too short by the time they get to the primary school, and Dan’s stomach churns with nerves for the children as he sees all the other parents leading their kids in. He hopes and prays that they’re okay today, and he hopes his wishes are heard by someone, somewhere.

“Are you two going to be embarrassed if I walk you inside?” Dan asks, hoping they say no.

Luck must be on his side, because both of them shake their heads before insisting they want him to walk them inside. This time, he makes both of them take one of his hands to walk them inside, talking quietly about how much fun they’re going to have and how he can’t wait to hear all about their day when they get home. “And I’ll be here waiting for you guys as soon as school’s over, okay? And you can tell me all about your day and what you did, alright?”

The twins both nod and mumble their affirmatives, but Dan can tell they’re getting antsy and ready to go. Out of the corner of his eye, Dan sees Esme, the counselor of the primary school. He smiles at her, and she responds with a wave as she makes her way over.

“Dan Howell! I thought that was you, but I wasn’t so sure. I almost forgot that you had two little ones in school this year!” She says pleasantly, smiling broadly at the twins.

“Yep, this is Amelia and Jaiden,” he tells her, nodding to each of them as he says their names.

Esme crouches down and smiles at them. “I’m Miss Esme. I’m the counselor here, and an old friend of Mr. Howell’s.” She winks at Dan then, and he tries to hide a grimace as his stomach churns uncomfortably. He’d almost forgotten the reason he didn’t care much for her, but there it was, the blatant flirtation, despite the fact that she was at work.

The twins move slightly closer to Dan, a little shy about a new person he was sure. He tries to smile apologetically at Esme. “They’re just a little shy at first. They’re very excited to meet their teachers, though,” He informs her, squeezing their little hands reassuringly. He hopes they know that they’re safe here, and he really hopes he’s not wrong about assuming that.

“Oh, I bet! Well, I can take them, if you’re off to work?” She says helpfully, standing up and smiling at Dan. Without giving him a chance to respond, she reaches up and runs a hand down his arm, leaning in a little closer. “I know you’ve probably got a lot to do.”

Dan forces a smile onto his face. “No, thank you.”

“No, really! It’s no problem, I’m sure you don’t have time to go get their schedules and find their classrooms and everything. Believe me, I get it, single parenting and everything, and the first day of school is always just the worst,” Esme smiles knowingly, probably assuming that she’s doing him a favor. She holds her hands out as if to take the twins’ hands, but they shrink back closer to him. If she notices this, she doesn’t respond to it.

“No, actually-“ Dan realizes something then as he replays her wording over in his head again. She must have no idea that he’s not a single parent. The idea that she’s just assuming he’s still single is for some reason hilarious to him even though technically, secretly, it’s true. “My fiancé and I got their schedules and everything early and we’ve actually already memorized them, so I think we’re good, actually.” He tries not to sound smug, he really does.

Esme’s face falls at his words, and Dan watches in amusement as she seems to process what exactly this means. “Oh, your… Oh.” She says, deflating.

“Yeah, so if you don’t mind, I’m going to go ahead and take them to their class, but it was great to catch up with you!” Dan nods to her as he begins leading the twins away. “See you later!” He calls as he leads them down the corridor.

“Does she like you?” Amelia asks almost as soon as they’re out of earshot of the woman.

Dan shushes her gently before shrugging. “I don’t know,” He lies. He did know, she’d been flirting with him for years, and had asked him out more than once. He’d always politely declined. There was nothing wrong with her, of course, she was a beautiful, smart woman. Dan just never felt anything for her, and he didn’t want to lead her on or anything. A small part of him is relieved that now he has a valid excuse to get her to go away now, but an even bigger part of him is just weirdly pleased that he gets to claim Phil somehow, even though he knows it isn’t real.

“I think she likes you,” Jaiden chimes in, looking up at Dan with a funny look on his face. “Do you like her too?”

Dan’s mouth drops open at the question, more than a little surprised by it. “What? No, I don’t- I’m engaged to Phil, guys. Do you know what that means?” Amelia shrugs after a moment of consideration, and Jaiden shakes his head. Dan swallows down the bitter taste in his mouth at the lie he’s about to spin to these children. “It means someday we’re going to get married.” His throat burns with the lie, but he chokes it out in spite of himself. “So, no, I don’t like Esme.”

“You like Phil?” Amelia asks, as if she’s just double checking.

Dan nods, hoping this conversation comes to an end soon. “Yep. Just Phil.”

“Huh,” Amelia hums. “Can we go to the park after school?” She asks when they reach the classroom door, completely changing the subject.

Dan lets out a loud laugh at this, not surprised that her child attention-span didn’t want to linger on the whole Phil situation. He wasn’t sure how much more convincingly he could lie about that. “We’ll see, okay? You guys be good today for your teachers, and be nice to the other kids, okay? I know you will, so I don’t even have to say it, but I want you guys to have a good day and tell me all about it after school.” Both of them give him a hug then, and he doesn’t bother hiding his grin. “I love you guys, I’ll see you in just a few hours, yeah?”

“Bye!” Amelia chirps as she skips into the classroom, much more of a social butterfly than her brother.

Jaiden pauses, looking a little more apprehensive. Dan crouches down beside him, laying a hand on his shoulder. “You’re going to be fine, little man. Your sister is going to be right there with you today, yeah? Everything’s okay.” He speaks softly, hoping that none of the kids passing by can hear their conversation. Kids weren’t all bad, but some of them were evil little shits that could practically smell fear, and he didn’t want them to use that against Jaiden.

“Okay,” Jaiden says softly, tugging his backpack strap further up his shoulder. “And you’ll be here when we’re done with school later?” He asks, turning his big brown eyes up at Dan, looking hopeful.

“Yes sir, I’ll be waiting right outside with the other mummies and daddies, okay?”

Jaiden nods and quickly steps closer to Dan, throwing his arms around his neck and giving him a big hug. “Bye, Dan.”

“Love you, bub.” Dan can’t help how choked up he sounds, and he just hopes that Jaiden doesn’t notice.

Stepping away with a wave, Jaiden goes to find his sister in the sea of children already in the classroom.

As Dan walks back to his car, he tugs his phone out of his pocket to send a text to Phil.

Dan: im really loving the whole dad thing rn we’ve got good kids

Phil: The best :)

Dan: is it pretentious to say I think we’re doing a good job

Phil: Nah we’re killing it

Dan: yh we are

Phil: Quit texting and driving Howell

Dan: not

Phil: Lies and slander. Be careful pls

Dan puts his phone into his pocket and the key into the ignition.

He waits until he’s actually in his own office to respond to the text, and he can’t quit smiling at the feeling filling up his chest. Not that he had been specifically miserable or anything lately, but this feeling was great, and he wanted to relish in it.

Dan: k dad im at work now u can quit having a fit about my texting and driving

Phil: Good. I hope you have a good day

Phil: Oh! Check your lunchbox! ;)

Dan falters a little at the winky emoji, something they didn’t often use in their chats, at least not unironically. He’s a little nervous to open the little container, but he does anyway, cautious in case it’s a prank thing.

Instead, he’s surprised to see a little post-it note on the lid of the container. He pulls it off to get a better look and his heart feels fuller as he grins down at the ridiculous doodle Phil had drawn. It’s an (admittedly horrible) doodle of a rat, and above it in Phil’s horrible handwriting, he’s written Dan a little note.

Have a g(r)e(at) day! Xx

Dan can’t help the giggles that fall out at the stupidity of it, but he can’t help but grin. It’s such a Phil thing to do. He tucks it into his top desk drawer, cleaning out a little corner for it before pulling out his phone to text Phil again.

Dan: r u kidding

Phil: Did you like it?

Dan: it’s horrible

Dan: i love it

Phil: :)

Dan: Did you do one for the twins too?

Phil: Yes!

Phil: Well, theirs are nicer, I drew Jai a pigeon and Mia a mermaid

Dan: you’re an actual twelve year old

Phil: In that case, you should probably be arrested

Dan: shut up, im working

Phil: No you aren’t you’re texting me

Dan: go awayyy

Phil: :)

~~~

The first day of school was a success, if the twins’ excited chattering on the way home is anything to go by. Amelia talks incessantly about how Louise’s oldest daughter Darcy is in the same class as them and Jaiden contributes with his own stories about how he sits next to a boy who likes the same dinosaurs as him. He’s sure to inform Dan that he knows more about them than the other boy, but he promises to teach him everything he knows about them.

“So, did you guys like your teacher?” He asks when they’ve pulled into the parking garage of the apartment.

“Yeah!” Amelia nods eagerly. “Mrs. Evans is really nice!”

“Yeah? That’s great!” Dan smiles as he glances back at them through the rearview mirror. “Jai-bird? What do you think about her?”

Jaiden shrugs. “She’s nice but she asked everyone to go ‘round and share something about ourselves with the class and I didn’t like it.”

Dan bites his lip to hide his smirk. He’s honestly still a little shocked at how similar Jaiden is to himself and Phil, and it honestly just makes his heart swell with a weird sense of pride. He isn’t biologically theirs, but he might as well be, considering how similar he is to them. “Yeah? What’d you guys share?” He asks curiously, turning the car off and getting out.

Jaiden, who had been sat behind him, tumbles out of the car, hiking his backpack up on his shoulders as they walk around to Amelia’s side. “I told them I liked pigeons, and then I told them that sometimes we feed them after dinner.”

Dan’s heart flutters at this, and the part of him that’s still overly concerned with homophobic little kids wonders if Jaiden had said anything about the whole “two dads” thing. He sort of hopes he hadn’t, because he knew how mean kids could be. Instead, he just glances down at him with a smile. “Yeah?”

Jaiden nods, then gestures vaguely to Amelia. “Mia said something stupid for hers.”

Amelia pouts at this. “Did not!” She argues.

“Did too!”

“Did not!”

“Did-“

“That’s enough,” Dan says over them, leading them into the elevator and holding Amelia back so Jaiden could press the button this time. “What did you share, Mia?”

“I told them I wanted to be a mermaid princess when I grow up,” She announces proudly, sticking her tongue out at Jaiden when he rolls his eyes at her.

“Well that’s not stupid!” Dan tries to say encouragingly. “Mermaids are pretty cool, and princesses are just like queens!”

Amelia looks up at him with a pitying smile on her face. “No, they aren’t, Dan. Queens have to do all this work, but princesses just get to have fun and be rich.”

Dan can’t help the snort that falls from his nose at this information, although he does try to cover it up with a cough. They’re at the door to the flat now, so Dan releases her hand to unlock the door. “Oh, sorry. I don’t know a lot about princesses I guess.”

The six-year-old only pats his hand sweetly. “It’s okay, you’re only a boy, you don’t get to know everything.” She gives him a charming smile as she dances past him and into the flat, kicking her shoes off and dumping her backpack by the shoe rack.

Dan stares at her for a moment before his gaze darts to Jaiden. Jaiden doesn’t even look surprised, and he only shrugs at him before following his sister. “It’s okay, Dan. Even grown-ups don’t know all the stuff,” he says reassuringly, leaving Dan alone to just stare in shock at the both of them.

He doesn’t even have a comeback, following them in and locking the door behind himself. He shakes his head incredulously, laughing softly to himself as he shoves his trainers off, straightening them up on the shoe rack neatly. “Do you guys have homework?” He calls to where they’ve disappeared into their room.

“No,” they call back in almost unison.

Dan rolls his eyes as he picks their backpacks up off the floor, hanging them on their little hooks neatly. He’d lecture them about that another day. He grabs their lunchboxes and takes them into the kitchen with his own, dropping them onto the counter to sort through the things they hadn’t eaten. Both lunchboxes are nearly empty, although Amelia still had a pack of fruit gummies and a pack of crackers, while Jaiden only left the crackers. That had been a shot in the dark, honestly, but Dan smiles to himself when he realizes that neither of them must like that kind.

After emptying them of any wrappers and the crackers, Dan sets them back on the counter where he’d left them last night to be repacked in the morning. “Do you guys want any snacks?” He calls, moving to the cupboard to grab a glass for some water. After filling it up, he realizes he hasn’t heard a response. “Guys?” He asks. Again, no response.

He sets the glass down before moving down the hall to where their room is, slowing his steps when he hears what sounds like a quiet argument. He doesn’t intend to eavesdrop, really, he doesn’t, but when he hears the name Levi pop up once again, he can’t help but stop to listen.

“Of course, he wasn’t at our school, idiot! He’s in secondary school,” Dan hears Amelia hiss. He frowns, trying to figure out who this Levi person is to them.

“Then maybe he’s at the other school!” Jaiden argues back.

“Who cares?” Amelia responds, and Dan hears the sound of the mattress squeaking as she climbs onto her bed. “We won’t see him anymore, Jai.”

Jaiden makes a huffing noise, and Dan hears what sounds like something hitting the wall. Mia responds with an indignant yelp, and Dan hopes he hadn’t just thrown something at his sister. “It’s not his fault, you know,” Jaiden’s voice is quieter this time, and Dan finds himself inching closer to catch his words.

“I don’t care,” Amelia snaps. “If he hadn’t called those people, we’d still be with mummy and daddy!”

Dan’s heart begins beating rapidly then, and he suddenly has a feeling that this Levi person must be close to them, if he’s apparently the reason they were separated from their family. Dan swallows hard at the memory of Hazel giving him what little information she could about why they were taken away. Drugs and an unstable financial situation: that was basically all that Dan had been privy to. Hazel herself hadn’t been very educated on the case, considering it had been transferred to her from a separate fostering organization.

“They don’t care about us!” Jaiden yells back at his sister.

She shushes him loudly at his words, and then denies it. “That’s not true!”

“Yes, it is, Amelia. Levi was trying to help! Mummy and Daddy were mean to him!”

Dan doesn’t have to see her face to tell that Amelia is in tears when she responds. “No. No, no. They- Mummy was sick!”

Jaiden huffs again. “No. Levi told us she wasn’t really sick.”

“He left us!” Amelia raises her voice. “He left us, and then those people took us away.”

Whatever Jaiden’s response was going to be, Dan doesn’t figure out, because then his phone is ringing in his pocket, and the kids go silent. Dan startles at the noise himself before moving back down the hall a little and acting like he was walking out of his bedroom as he pulls his phone out of his pocket. “Do you guys still want to go to the park?” He calls, trying to keep his voice from wavering.

The twins respond with an affirmative, and he silences his phone when he sees that it’s his mum. He could call her back later, when he had more time and wasn’t on parenting duty. It had been awkward talking to her since he started fostering the twins, but when he’d asked Phil if he was experiencing the same with his mum, he’d denied it. Apparently since Kath was under the impression that they were actually together, she was a lot less bothered by the idea that they were basically raising a family together.

Dan tries not to feel queasy at the implications that has.

Just as they walk out the door, Dan’s phone buzzes with a new message. He wrestles the phone out of his skintight jeans, smiling down at it when he sees the message there.

Phil: I saw a video of a baby bear eating trash today.

Dan: okay?

Phil: It reminded me of you :) <3

Dan: I hate you

Phil: Rude!

Dan: you know im kidding

Phil: I know <3

Dan: quit being gross

Phil: :( Fine I’ll take my affection to my other fake fiancé.

Dan: ouch

Dan: also more on the levi thing

Phil: oh shit was I right?? It’s a ghost isn’t it?

Dan: no you spoon

Phil: then??

Dan: I’ll tell you tonight. It’s important.

Phil: K. see you later

~~~

“I’m home!” Phil calls from downstairs about half an hour after they’ve come home from the park. The twins perk up, and Dan glances at them before grinning, shrugging when they look at him questioningly. That’s apparently all the permission they need to run downstairs to greet Phil. Dan stays on the sofa, listening with a smile as they greet him.

“Phil!” Amelia screeches. She especially got on well with him and was always excited to see him when he got home. Dan wondered if maybe he reminded her of her own dad. The thought makes his stomach churn nervously, but he brushes it away.

“Hi, guys! Oh!” Dan doesn’t have to be watching to know that they likely just jumped on him, and he smirks. “Hello, Mia. You shouldn’t jump off the stairs like that, it’s dangerous,” he chastises gently. She mumbles something Dan can’t hear, and then he hears him speaking to Jaiden. “Hey, little man,” he says affectionately, and Dan can picture him ruffling his hair. “How was school?” Phil asks, and Dan can hear him walking up the stairs now.

The children begin chattering excitedly, and Dan can’t really decipher what they’re telling him between both of them speaking so quickly. He puts his laptop on the coffee table, tossing his arm over the back of the sofa and leaning back as he watches Phil come up the stairs carrying Amelia, Jaiden right behind them. Phil’s eyes dart around the room, a smile stretching his lips when his gaze meets Dan’s.

“Hey,” Phil greets him softly, shifting Amelia in his arms a little.

“Hi,” Dan grins up at him. He nods to Amelia with a knowing smile. “That one might have missed you,” he teases, relishing in the way Phil’s cheeks turn a little pink. He still wasn’t completely convinced that he was good with the kids, although Dan had tried more than once to convince him that he was doing just fine.

“I guess she was the only one,” Phil teases back easily, pouting when Dan rolls his eyes at his childish behavior.

“Oh, I missed you alright,” Dan says, hiding his smirk when Phil sets Amelia down before sitting on the sofa beside Dan. Subtly, he grabs one of the pillows that had been tucked under his left arm. “But I’m sure I won’t at this distance.”

He barely has a moment to take in Phil’s confused expression before he’s swinging the pillow, smacking Phil in the face with a thump.

“Dan!” Phil yells through his poorly concealed laughter.

“What?” Dan asks sweetly, tugging the pillow out of his reach and tucking it under his arm before Phil has the chance to retaliate. Phil notices this, and with narrowed eyes he lunges forward, grabbing for the pillow while grabbing one of Dan’s wrists in the other hand, pinning his hand to the sofa. “No!” Dan screams, rolling over onto his side to try and cover up the pillow. He vaguely hears the kids giggling somewhere behind them, but he’s not even paying attention to that when Phil gets a mischievous look on his face. He doesn’t even have to say it before Dan realizes what he’s going to do. “No, Phil, please don’t- Oh my god!”

Phil snickers as he begins tickling Dan’s side, his laughter bouncing around the room over Dan’s screeches. “You deserve this!” He yells gleefully, dropping Dan’s wrist to attack his other side.

Dan thrashes beneath him, struggling to catch his breath over all his screaming. “No, no, please! Stop! I’ll- I’ll- I’ll behave!” Dan shrieks, feebly trying to shove Phil’s hands away.

“You promise you’ll be nice?” Phil asks teasingly. Something in his voice has Dan blushing, and he draws his legs up, effectively pushing Phil away a little.

“Promise!” He says loudly, breathing heavily when Phil finally stops his attacking. His breathing is labored, and his sides hurt from laughing so much. “Bloody hell, mate,” he wheezes. “I’m too old for this shit,” he mutters under his breath, hoping the kids didn’t hear him.

Phil quirks an eyebrow at him but smiles anyway. “Sorry, I got a little carried away. Are you okay?” He asks sweetly, dropping a hand to Dan’s back and stroking gently.

Dan nods, smiling up at him. “I’m fine, yeah.” His heart is suddenly bursting with something warm as he looks up at his best friend, and he barely realizes it when he reaches up and tucks a piece of hair back into Phil’s quiff, flattening it back gently. Phil’s gaze darts up to Dan’s hand, but they settle back on Dan’s face as his lips fall into a softer smile.

Before Dan has a chance to get too caught up in the moment, whatever it was, he hears a giggle from above him. He glances up to find Amelia and Jaiden hovering over the arm of the sofa where his head is resting. “Can I help you?” He teases.

“Were you two about to kiss?” Amelia asks, smirking at him.

He can feel the blush on his cheeks from the question, and he tries to stutter out an explanation. Luckily, Phil beats him to it.

“Nosy Nancy, why don’t you come over here? I have a surprise for you,” Phil grins, lifting the hand that isn’t on Dan’s back and wiggling his fingers at her.

She squeals before darting behind the couch, Jaiden following close behind.

“Hide and seek, guys, so try not to run everywhere!” Phil calls to them before he glances down at Dan with an apologetic look, but Dan only rolls his eyes before shoving him away.

“Go, go chase them, it’s your turn to play Fun Dad.”

Phil grins before ruffling Dan’s hair and standing from the couch to go play with the twins. “Dinner?” Phil asks inquisitively, pausing before commencing the chase.

Dan rolls to his feet, shoving Phil’s shoulder as he passes him. “I’ll start dinner, go. They want to play, and I wouldn’t put it past them to attack you if they don’t get what they want.”

Rolling his eyes, Phil moves to the stairs to find the kids, who Dan can hear giggling downstairs somewhere. “Right, because they’re so vicious.” The sarcasm is palpable. “Still need to talk later?” he asks softly as they walk downstairs.

“Yeah,” Dan nods. “We can talk when we go to bed?”

Phil nods at this. “Okay.” Then, louder so the kids can hear him, “Ready or not, here I come!”

~~~

After eating dinner and sending the kids to bed, they finally find themselves in their bedroom getting ready for bed themselves. Dan has long since gotten over feeling awkward changing in front of Phil, and he carelessly tugs his jeans off and throws them into the laundry hamper before doing the same with his shirt, replacing it with a t-shirt. He isn’t entirely sure who the shirt belongs to at this point, but honestly most of the things they have are interchangeable, so it really doesn’t even matter. Phil does the annoying thing he always does and leaves his jeans and shirt in a heap on the floor, and Dan dutifully goes behind him and collects them to throw in the hamper.

“They already asleep?” Phil asks from the bathroom when he sees Dan moving around the bedroom.

“Yeah, they were pretty tired after the first day of school I reckon,” he replies, tugging the band off his left hand and setting it on the nightstand. He runs a hand through his hair as he steps into the bathroom, cringing when he feels how greasy his hair is. He’d been running his hands through it a lot today, stress mostly, and it showed.

Phil, who’s brushing his teeth, squints at Dan’s reflection in the mirror. “Alright?” He asks around the foam in his mouth.

Dan nods but crinkles his nose at him, prompting Phil to spit before rinsing his toothbrush off. “Hand me the toothpaste,” he says as he grabs his own toothbrush from the cup. Phil hands the tube over and then studies Dan’s reflection as he begins brushing his teeth.

“Your hair’s getting long,” he comments, bringing a hand up to card through Dan’s curls. Dan unintentionally cringes away, not wanting Phil to mess with his already dirty hair. “Sorry,” he mumbles, dropping his hand.

“‘S fine, just need to wash it,” Dan responds. He finishes brushing his teeth in silence, splashing cold water on his face when he’s done. “Did you take your contacts out?” He asks Phil, turning around to face him.

Phil nods, quirking an eyebrow. “Done in here?” He asks, his hand hovering over the light switch. In response, Dan only nods as he heads back into their bedroom, going straight for the bed.

“I’m exhausted,” he mumbles into the pillow after he’s crawled under the duvet.

“Same,” Phil sighs, and Dan feels the shifting of the mattress as he settles under the covers on his side. There’s the sound of metal clinking against wood, and Dan assumes he’s taken his ring off. “Lights off?” He asks softly, his hand coming to rest on Dan’s shoulder.

“Mhm, please.”

There’s a click of the lamp being turned off, and Dan sighs into his pillow. “Levi?” Phil says softly, reminding Dan that they still needed to talk.

Dan sighs but rolls over onto his back. “They talked about him again today. They didn’t know I could hear them I guess.”

“Yeah?” Phil prompts when he falls silent. Dan watches out of the corner of his eye as Phil hesitates a little before reaching his hand out and gently pushing Dan’s curls off his forehead. Dan quirks an eyebrow at him, but Phil only shrugs.

“I think he’s their brother,” Dan admits finally, staring up at the ceiling as Phil gently pets his hair. It’s soothing in all the right ways, and he knows he’ll likely fall asleep with him doing it if he doesn’t stop soon.

Phil’s hand pauses in its movement as he seems to process Dan’s words, but when Dan opens one eye to look at him, he quickly continues. “Oh. Are you sure?” He looks conflicted, as if he isn’t sure what his reaction needs to be.

Dan shrugs. “No, but it sounded like it could be.”

“What did they say?”

After recounting the conversation he’d overheard, Dan falls silent, closing his eyes as he allows Phil a few minutes to process the new information. It takes him a few moments, but eventually he speaks. “What do you think we should do? I mean, obviously Levi got taken away too, but where is he now?” He sounds confused, and also hurt. Dan can understand why; the whole situation was beyond fucked up, and his heart hurt to think about the fact that there was another kid involved in this situation, one who didn’t even have a sibling to keep him company like the twins did.

“I don’t know. I think we should call Hazel and ask about him, probably,” Dan whispers, silently hoping that Phil agrees.

Phil hums in consideration. “Do you think they’ll let us take him?” He asks, sounding hesitant.

Dan’s eyes snap open to gauge Phil’s reaction. Phil glances down at him, his lips pressed into a straight line. “It wouldn’t hurt to try,” Dan says softly, reaching a hand up to stop the movement of Phil’s hand in his hair, intertwining their fingers instead. It wasn’t something he did often, especially with no audience, but he felt that they both needed the grounding contact right now.

“I don’t know, Dan…” Phil’s voice is full of concern, and he’s got a guarded look on his face.

“He’s their brother, Phil,” Dan insists quietly. “Sure, we’re doing our best to be their temporary family, but he might be the only family they’ve got left after all of it is said and done.”

Phil sighs, squeezing Dan’s hand before pulling his hand free and moving to lay down. Dan hates the way his hand feels empty without the contact, so he rolls over to face the opposite way and shoves his hands under his pillow. “We need to think about it some more, okay?”

“Whatever,” Dan mumbles, allowing his eyes to drift shut again.

There’s a moment of silence before Phil speaks again. “Are you upset with me?” He asks, his voice soft.

“No, I’m just thinking.”

“Daniel,” Phil reprimands his facetiousness.

Dan groans and rolls over to glare at him. “No, okay? I’m not mad. I just…” he trails off, squeezing his eyes shut and rolling back over. “I’m just tired, honestly. All of this is really overwhelming.”

Phil seems to consider this, and Dan can almost feel the hesitancy in the air before Phil reaches a hand out to rest on Dan’s side. “I know. But you can still talk to me, you know. I’m your best friend.”

“I know,” Dan chokes out.

There’s a moment where neither of them speak and Dan hears Phil sigh deeply before his hand falls away. Dan frowns, feeling the distance between them more tonight than he usually does.

Quietly, so that Phil doesn’t realize how truly affected he is by the conversation and the lack of conclusion, Dan speaks. “You can… I’m not mad. I’m really not.”

The room is quiet for a moment before Phil responds. “Do you want me to?” He doesn’t have to specify, because both of them know what they’re talking about at this point.

Softly, Dan says, “Yeah.”

The mattress shifts as Phil moves closer to Dan, throwing an arm around his waist and snuggling against his back. Dan relaxes into the touch, moving one of his hands down to grip Phil’s wrist to hold him in place. Phil squeezes him gently and Dan shivers as he feels his breath fan across his neck.

“Cold?” Phil whispers.

Dan shakes his head. “No.” He hesitates before speaking again. “Are you upset with me?”

“No,” Phil assures him. “I just don’t know what to do about this. I need more time to think about it, okay?”

“Okay. We’re okay?”

Phil laughs softly, and Dan knows he doesn’t imagine it when Phil presses his lips to the nape of his neck. “We’re okay.”

#phan #phanfiction #foster parent au #foster parent #bbc producer!phil #school counselor!dan #parent!phan #parent!au #friends to lovers #best friends #bed sharing #fake relationship #fluff #light angst #comfort #headaches #honestly this one is lots of cute family fluff and that's basically it

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horansqueen · 6 years ago

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AM Conversations : chapter 5

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -3.8k. -this may look like a love triangle but ill do my best not to turn it into one. -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

-this hasn’t been updated in forever but i love writing this. it’s really just for fun. i know no one really reads but idk i just cant give up on that fic. btw the gifs are older just because this happens right after hiatus starts.

-THE PART IN ITALIC IS A FLASHBACK

-please, message me, give me feedbacks, it would mean sooo much to me!

Chapter 5 : Her chapter

Olivia

It was a weird dream that woke me up but as soon as my eyes opened, I forgot about it. I blinked a few times, trying to wake myself up completely, but I could still feel how tired I was and I knew that as soon as i'd move, a thumping headache would make my day even worse.

Niall was close to me, his face only a few inches from mine, and he was still asleep. I tried to breathe in and out slowly from my nose to be sure I wouldn't literally poison him with my bad beer breath. The aftertaste was still invading my buds but I tried not to think about it as my eyes roamed on Niall's face. The memories from the past night came back to my mind and I tried to remember every single detail and emotion that took me over but the only thing that seemed to echo in my head was how I literally told my best friend I loved him and always have.

Slowly, I brought my hand to his cheek and let my fingertips brush against his skin, allowing the feelings I had for him to flood me, almost drowning me, as I stared at him.

"I was talking about you, idiot."

My voice was so low I could barely hear myself and my own words made my heart jump hard in my chest. I don't remember ever telling anyone outloud that I loved Niall. Most of the time, I pushed the feelings deep down my stomach and covered it with other kind of emotions. It was true, I couldn't deal with how I felt and I didn't want to. I knew that if I allowed myself to fully love him and hope for him, I would never heal from him. I was convinced the best way to remain happy was to ignore how i feel for him and focus on something else but once in a while, very very rarely, I let the feelings invade me.

He was pretty and it was even more obvious from up close. My fingers moved down to his chin and I let my thumb brush on his bottom lip. Sometimes, I really wanted to kiss him and this was one of those times. We had kissed once at a party when we were younger, but playing 'spin the bottle' was not really the experience I wanted and If I was honest, it only made everything worse for me.

He snored lightly and it made me jump and smile as I took my hand away but kept on staring at him. It was still dark in the room, even if the sun was slightly peeking through the curtain, but I could see his traits perfectly.

"It was always you and it will always be you."

Once again, I had whispered so low I was not even sure of what I had said but it made him wiggle gently. He let a groan escape his lips and finally sighed. I knew he was awake now and I tried to calm my heartbeats, scared that he may have heard what I said. I loved him. I loved my best friend, and it was not platonic. It was completely romantic and so deep that it felt like it was a part of me. A part that would never die, no matter how hard I would try to kill it.

He opened his eyes and they met mine, making me hold my breath. I could feel myself build my wall again, bringing torpor and numbness back as I hid my deepest and most intense feelings on the other side, away from anyone's sight, even mine.

"Hey you." he let out before clearing his throat. "Slept well?"

I sent him a smile but just nodded. I was not ready to talk just yet, scared that my voice would break.

"Migraine? Nausea? A feeling of emptiness?"

I chuckled and raised my nose up in a grimace, bringing my hand over my mouth.

"A little bit of all of this."

He let out a low laugh, still staring at me.

"And a bad breath, i'm guessing." he joked, glancing at my hand.

"Perhaps."

He looked at me with an amused grin for a while and finally sat up, grabbing my hand and moving it away from my face.

"You should take a shower. You reek." he pointed out, making me roll my eyes. "And brush your teeth, will you? I'll wait for you downstairs with coffee. Just coffee."

With a loud sigh, I nodded again and got off the bed, not really remembering how I got into Niall's clothes, but I decided not to ask.

"I'm gonna need clean clothes, can I borrow some of yours?"

I had barely finished my sentence when he threw new sweatpants and a navy blue shirt. It made my lips curl and I grabbed them, walking around the bed and closer to him.

"Thank you!"

I grabbed his face with one hand, squeezing it and twisting his lips. He didn't push me away but let out an annoyed groan when I grossly kissed his cheek. He moved his head to get out of my grip and it made me laugh.

"Shower! You stink!"

With a louder laugh, I walked past him and locked myself in the bathroom adjacent to his bedroom. I took my clothes off and started the water mechanically, my mind still trying to retrieve the events of the night before, but it's only when I turned the water off that I remembered Harry being very close to me, close enough to kiss me.

The memory brought warmth to my cheeks and a stupid grin on my lips. Yes, i loved Niall and I always will, but it didn't mean I couldn't have feelings for anyone else, and I couldn't lie and pretend I didn't feel something for Harry. But Harry was not just anyone, and I was well aware of that. Not only was he my best friend's bandmate and close mate, but he was also one of the most conveited boy in the world and that could be annoying. I pushed that thought away and got out of the shower, quickly drying myself. I dressed back into Niall's clothes and rushed downstairs only to find him sitting at the table with a cup of coffee. I quickly grabbed a mug and poured myself one too before joining him, sitting in front of him.

"Why are you smiling so big?" he asked with a frown, an amused smile gracing his lips.

"Last night, Harry and I almost, kissed, didn't we?"

I bit my bottom lip still staring at him and noticed his smile fall down as soon as I mentioned his friend's name. I was not sure if I was hallucinating but it really seemed like Niall didn't want me to get close to Harry. I grabbed my cup again and took an other sip of coffee as I tried to make sense of the events of the night before until it suddenly hit me.

"You.. you're the one who stopped it."

Niall's gaze dropped to his own mug and seemed incredibly interested in it as I talked. I could read the guilt all over his face yet I also felt an aura of annoyance around him and it made me frown again. I felt suddenly hurt and slightly betrayed. My lips parted as I stared at him, waiting for his eyes to meet mine but he kept staring down at his mug, turning it around with both hands in a nervous manner.

"You were totally shit-faced, Liv." He simply expressed, as if it was an obvious reason. He talked slowly, trying to make me feel like I was being irrational but it didn't work this time.

"Why did you do that, Niall?" I asked in a breath, gripping the side of the table as anger was filling my insides. "Why won't you let me have a fucking glimpse of happiness?" I kept going, getting angrier by the second. "You think I don't deserve it? To be happy?"

I watched as his lips became smaller and I could sense him becoming furious too but I didn't care. He owed me an explanation and I was going to get it. After everything he had said to me about Harry and I in the past few days, I felt unworthy. It was the very first time in my entire life that Niall made me feel like shit.

"That's it? I don't deserve happiness?" I repeated, waiting a few seconds before to add. "Answer me!"

The palm of his hand hit the table and I jumped, surprised by his unlikely behavior. My lips parted and I stared at him until he inhaled deeply, still avoiding my eyes.

"He doesn't deserve you! Okay?" he explained a bit too loud, finally looking up and diving his gaze in mine. "He doesn't deserve you and he's gonna play you and he's gonna hurt you! He doesn't deserve someone like you!"

Although not the reason I expected, I quickly let out the air I had kept in my lungs. My eyes filled with tears and there was nothing I could do about it. I was crying, tears falling down my cheeks and slipping on my neck, tickling my skin as I tried to swallow the lumps in my throat. I didn't even try to wipe them, I just allowed them to fall, knowing it wouldn't change anything.

"Well, that was not your call to make, Niall." I let out in a calm tone after a minute of silence. "It wasn't your decision to take. And you have no right to decide who deserves to be with who."

I got up slowly, hearing my chair make a screeching noise and turned around to go back to his room. I got up the stairs slowly but confidently and when I reached the top, I heard his chair too.

"Liv, please, wait." he just let out with a sigh, following me upstairs.

I ignored him, my eyes roaming around to find my clothes as I took his off and grabbed the dirty ones that I wore to the bar. I noticed him stare for a few seconds at me before shaking his head and looking away. He finally shook his hand and turned back to me again, taking a few steps closer.

"Liv, come on." he pressed, reaching for my wrist as I tried to take my shirt off. "I'm sorry, okay? I really am."

I closed my eyes and breathed in, trying to focus on my heartbeats to bring them back to a normal speed. I was hurt and sad and I felt betrayed, but in the end, Niall was my best friend, and even if he did it the wrong way, he was trying to spare me pain and I couldn't stay mad at him for that. Slowly, I turned to him and my eyes met his, making my heart jump in my chest. He felt guilty, I could read it all over his face, and I ended up sighing again and shaking my head.

"I want you to stop getting between Harry and I." I pointed out. "I want you to let me live what I have to live with him. You made it clear what you thought, now let me handle it from here."

His eyes roamed on my face and I felt my skin burn from his intense gaze. There was nothing I hated more than Niall and I fighting. It hadn't happened a lot in the many years we were friends but it seemed to be recurrent in the past days. When it came to Harry and I, Niall had a hard time to mind his own business and I still didn't understand why.

"Okay."

It seemed like it took him a lot of effort to let out this simple word but he kept holding my wrist gently as we stared at each other. I had failed in trying to get my heart beating to a normal pace but I just blinked a few times as I looked at him.

"I'm serious, Niall." I insisted, trying to keep my voice calm and collected. "Promise me."

I felt his grip tighten slightly and he shut his eyes tight before opening them again.

"I promise."

His words made my heart lighter and It seemed like a heavy load had been taken off my shoulders. I let out the air I didn't even know I was holding and let him pull me closer by my wrist, wrapping his arms around my neck and holding me close to him. Both his arms were locked tightly around me and I felt secure and safe the way only he could make me feel. I closed my eyes, still pressed against him, and let my arms slide around his waist and gripping his shirt in his back.

"I'm sorry again." he whispered close to my ear, his breath brushing against my cheek. "I mean it. I really am."

I was glad he didn't try to justify himself. I always knew that Niall's apologies were genuine and real. He wouldn't say it if he didn't mean it and that in itself was relieving. He pulled away after a few minutes and looked down in my eyes, raising his eyebrows. I swallowed the lump in my throat as he kept his hands on my shoulders.

"Why don't you invite him over tonight?" he proposed, making me suddenly nervous. "We could drink, have a chat and I could show you that I respect my promises."

I tilted my head and licked my lips, feeling nervous suddenly at the thought of Harry and Niall on the same room. They were close, like brothers, so it wouldn't be the first time, but I still feared what could happen and I was not sure I was ready for it. I probably looked hesitant because he moved his face closer to mine.

"I just want you to be happy." he admitted in a low but soft tone. "You do deserve it, you deserve happiness more than anyone I know."

I felt my heart skip a beat and my lips curled into a fond smile. That was the Niall I knew, one that I hadn't seen much in the past few days.

"Okay, I'll text him."

When the doorbell rang, I rushed to the door, meeting Harry's soft and smiling face. I immediately mirrored his grin and took a step back to let him in, moving my arm to invite him. I closed the door and when I turned around, he was facing me and staring at me.

"Are you sure you want to stay in tonight?"

I sent him a bigger smile, touched by how caring he was, and finally nodded. I wanted to show Niall I forgave him but also let him show me he was really sorry.

"I mean, it's going to be fun, i made jello shots and we can watch movies and talk." I explained just as Niall walked in the living room with beers.

"And she doesn't even like jello."

Harry chuckled and shrugged as he took a beer from Niall's hands, opening it quickly.

"Well, except for the cherry flavored one."

I glanced at Niall who was frowned but my eyes quickly found Harry's again. He was smirking and once again, I noticed the dimples in his cheeks pop up. He took a sip from his beer keeping his eyes on me and that stupid mischevious smile on his lips and I could swear I felt my whole face burn at the memory invading my head.

"I'm hungry." I pointed out drunkenly, turning to Harry in-between two intense moments of laughter. "What's in the fridge?"

Almost jumping off the couch, Harry rushed to the fridge as I started laughing again. I had no idea where Niall and the others went but the tour bus was empty except for us two and we had decided getting drunk was the only interesting thing to do. I had opened up to him a lot, probably because of how much alcohol was running in my body, and I didn't even mind. For some reason I couldn't understand, I wanted to be close to him. Not just physically but mostly mentally.

"Okay I got this!" he yelled, letting himself fall next to me and bringing the bowl closer to my face.

I immediately grimaced and moved my head back. It actually smelled good but I was never a fan of jello. It tasted to artificial to me and I honestly didn't see the point. The texture was not my favorite either.

"Jello? Yuk."

His eyebrows raised and his lips parted, making me burst into laughter again. The only thing I remember thinking is how cute he was.

"You can not not like cherry jello, Liv." he noted. "I'm pretty sure it's against the law."

i raised my nose again and chuckled.

"Yea no, that's not against the law, or i'd be in jail."

"But it's delicious!"

To prove his point, he took a piece with his hand and pushed it in his mouth as I watched.

"Itch debichious!" he tried to mumble, his mouth full, making me laugh even more. "Come on, try it. For me?" he asked with puppy eyes after swallowing.

I groaned low and finally shrugged, giving in. In fact, I felt the need to agree with him if only to watch his smile again. Disappointing him was something I couldn't bear and although I knew it was probably because I was intoxicated, I couldn't help but think it was also a bit because of the feelings I was developing for him. And they were growing fast.

"Okay, why not?"

His lips curled more and he suddenly seemed excited. My eyes followed his hand as he grabbed an other piece and brought it to my mouth. It wobbled between his fingers and I opened my lips slightly as he pushed the bouncy piece in my mouth. I stopped laughing immediately when his thumb brushed on my bottom lip, making a shiver cross my back. It lingered there and I could swear he could hear my heart beating against my rib cage. His palm pressed against my jaw and my eyes dropped to his lips. I could swear he was going to kiss me. When he moved closer, I almost forgot I had jello in my mouth and choked on it, coughing as I tried to swallow what was left in my mouth. All I could think about was that the moment was over and I would remember this as the time I didn't kiss Harry Styles.

"Yea, the cherry one isn't so bad, but it really reminds me of how good I am at ruining moments."

Harry's smile turned into a fond one as I walked past him to go sit on the couch, moving my feet up to bring them close to me and taking a long sip of my beer. Harry joined me and I wiggled a bit on the couch to face him as Niall came back with the shots, placing them on the coffee table.

"What's the story about?"

I inhaled and shrugged as if it was no big deal and glanced at Harry again.

"It was one night you were probably out with the others boys?" I guessed. "I can't remember."

"No no, we were in Australia," Harry corrected me. "You had left with that girl you were shagging, what's her name again?"

My smile fell down immediately and I realized that was probably why I had erased that information from my brain. It was not like Niall was the type of guy to sleep around but being aware of his sexual encounters really bugged me. I tried to be a good friend but at the same time, the feelings I had for him also seemed to surface at some point, even if I tried to bury them as deeply as possible. It was worse when it came to girls he'd see regularly.

"Okay, how about these shots now?" I expressed a little louder than intended, not giving Niall time to answer.

I extended my whole body to reach a red shot and tried to ignore the two boys who were staring at me. I couldn't see, but I could feel their eyes burning me. I pressed the plastic cup a bit and threw my head back. I felt the gelatin fall on my tongue and I chewed it quickly. It tasted like cherry vodka, which is what I had used to make them, and I grimaced slightly.

"Okay, truth or dare?"

My eyes found Harry and my heart tried to escape from my chest as I realized the game we were about to play. I held my breathe for as long as I could but Harry raised his eyebrows at me to incite me to pick.

"Uhm, truth."

"How many people did you have sex with?"

I looked at him slightly surprised and tilted my head. I was a bit surprised he'd get into the sex questions so soon in the game but I decided to play along.

"You know, Styles, you should never ask a question that you wouldn't be able to answer yourself." My answer made him laugh and my lips curled more. "Seven."

It was his time to be surprised and I chuckled. I thought he'd explain why my number seemed so shocking but it's Niall who actually made a comment.

"Seven? Wait, how come do I only know three of them?"

I turned to him and grabbed an other shot, once again quickly chewing on it before licking my lips. These jello shots were better than I thought they'd be and I grabbed two more, handing them to the boys sitting close to me. I didn't want to be the only one to get drunk and it seemed like they weren't really thirsty.

"Mm, I don't know, Nee. Maybe because you never asked." I explained, moving my eyes to meet his and sending him a smile.

The truth was probably that I didn't want him to know. I regretted most of these sexcapades and I tried to forget most of them, just like I tried to erase his sex stories from my brain.

"Okay, my turn." I let out, once again not giving time to Niall to ask me the questions burning his lips. "Truth or dare?"

#niall horan #niall horan fluff #niall horan fanfic #niall horan fan fic #niall horan fic #niall horan story #niall horan writing #my fanfics #idk what else to tag this #it doesnt matter tho lol #if you read this tho ily a lottttt

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barelynakedthoughts · 4 years ago

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Wow, the past few days have been unreal. I last updated on Thursday in the morning soon after they had started pumping in pitocin. From 12pm, May 12th, until 5 am, May 14th, I was dealing with contractions. 41 hours of early labor and it only led to being dilated by 4cm.

I used a fitness orb, a fitness peanut, slow dancing, varying leg positions. Nothing pushed me into active labor. They kept saying to make it to 6cm and we'll be in the home stretch. The contractions got so strong throughout the day, too. I didn't want an epidural because I didn't want to do it so early. If the beginning took this long, can the ending really be that short? I wanted the baby in my arms but I knew he wasn't ready so I waited for him to give me a sign. (Note we can freely say pronouns now)

I believe at 10am on May 13th, they broke my water because I had made it to 4cm. It felt like things were moving so nicely! The doctor who came in at 6 am wa snot very comforting -made me cry. She gave me minimal answers and her visit was brief. Had I obtained the knowledge of inductions and labor that I have now, I would have been okay, but it was all so new to me and she was very curt after working her 24 hour shift. I wish she would do people favors and just not do those shifts. It would give her a better bedside manner. She basically gave me my first crying spell and I felt so desperate for four hours.

A new doctor came in soon after that. She reminded me of General Holdo from Star Wars, except I have no clue if she had purple-ish hair. Though Jackie, the nurse who talked a lot, had purple-ish hair. I could see it sticking out through her hair cap thing. Our room was always dark so I didn't really see much going on. Anyways, they broke my water and the contractions quickly turned into pain, pain and more pain. Not cramping pain, but pain nonetheless. I was on 2-30 levels of pitocin (whatever that means), and when the water broke, I was contracting every 1-2 minutes for hours on end. I breathed through all of them, dealt with the pain and kept my mind on the goal.

-----

I was thankful for the nurse we had the night before they broke my water, Shawna, because she knew how to just be there for me. When the new nurse came in after that terrible doctor visit, I wasn't all too thrilled cuz she talked a lot and overexplained things, but she at least made it very apparent that she cared. Shawna came back later in the evening, but she wasn't my nurse. She just knew that I liked her and she just wanted to help. It was a relief to have her there for a little bits she came in on.

-----

May 13th was like one last date day between Ryan and I. Besides the constant pain and regular contraction pauses, he and I just talked, hugged, watched Falcon and Winter Soldier, cried, laughed, and appreciated the other one being there. We barely got any rest. Though Ry was able to get a bit more than me, but not much. It was honestly a blurry of a day for me since I spent most of staring at focal points (the red light from the TV being turned off or Ryan's eyes or the up button for the bed or even this white piece on a red container on the baby's soon-to-be panda warmer). Im trying to write as much down as possible, but I know I'll miss a few things.

-----

As the day progressed, my energy level dropped substantially. I gave up my fitness orb life and I embraced bedrest for the first time in the pregnancy. Going to the bathroom was difficult and I was constipated. Stupid magical hemorrhoids that appeared two days before going in the hospital.

Those pesky IV issues got worse. As my pain increased, I had to deal with a 5 IVs. After the one in my elbow went off sixty thousand times, the nurse finally called the anesthesiology team to try another spot but with a deeper vein. She found it with an ultrasound, which was neat, and she had to really numb my arm to get it in there. It was the best IV, though. It really stuck in there and I only had minimal issues with the IV tower. Thank goodness because I was at my wits end at that point. Though Jackie ended up finish the IV and reconnecting my pitocin and fluid drips...she taped the IV to my hospital bracelet. So when anyone tried to scan it, I had to twist my arm painfully.

The one time, the food people came. I twisted my arm to have them read it, and they didn't even scan it....but we'll the damage was done. I had accidentally disconnected everything. The IV started gushing blood like a fountain and I just sat on my fitness orb with nothing much to do but hope it stopped soon...or that someone would come in. My husband actually had to go get someone because there was blood everywhere. All the while, I was contracting every 3 minutes at that point. So a fountain of blood just pushing out while squeezed my own legs. What a trip! The final IV sat in my arm up until May 15th...it was annoying to breastfeed with it in. I had to finish my toradol pain meds before it could come out.

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As the day went on, I kept contracting but nothing changed...at 10pm, they finally told us our options: more of the same or having a c-section. We were looking at a failed induction if we didn't progress to 6 cm by 5am, May 14th. At the point, it would have been 18 hours post my water being broke and the chance of infection would then steadily increase. I didn't take the news well and I cried. My night time doctor, who I had seen in the office and who is actually a midwife, was the one who broke the news. She tried to say it was natural to feel sad about this, but honestly...nothing was going to console me after here the word "failure".

Just like my sister, the pitocin failed. Before they officially said it failed, they did a pit rest (a 1-2 hour pitocin break) and then started the process at 2 levels again. We made it up to 10 levels before they called it at 430am. My cervix stopped at 4cm and there was no changing it. Though at that time, I had finally accepted the c-section. It was the right choice and it meant getting to see our baby sooner. We just needed to pray again for safety, healing and life...plus tell our families that I was having a c-section. They were wondering where we went for so long because I just cried for a while and asked that my husband not share anything until we were ready.

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The surgery was interesting. I wasn't really contracting anymore but I was exhausted, starving, shaking, and ready to be done. They wheeled me over without my husband so they could give me a spinal anesthetic, still no epidural. I sat there breathing in and out. Using yoga techniques to keep myself present and prepared for a flexible response. I hate the idea of needles going into my spine. I don't care about needles...it's the whole losing movement permanently issue. I need to be able to move and fidget to breathe calmly and react appropriately.

After they were finished, they slowly lowered me back. My legs went numbs and I started to shake uncontrollably. My teeth started chattering. It was if I was extremely cold so they put 3-4 warm blankets on me. I can't remember how many but I do know there were 5 total on me when all was said and done. They splayed my arms out like I was being crucified and I made sure not to move them beyond the shaking. I have no clue how long the procedure lasted but it was light outside when they were done. I believe it was less than an hour, but I honestly don't know. Time had become irrelevant yet so necessary by then. Time still hasn't recovered and it's been almost 3 weeks. (Note: I've been writing this on and off since the hospital stay.)

C-sections are weird. You're awake for the whole procedure and you can feel everything happening to you - the incision, the hands rooting around your insides for the baby, the baby coming out with their arms and legs hitting the sides of your open stomach as they leave, the uterus flopping around. There's just no pain involved.

When my baby came out, he didn't cry much, but when I heard his first squeal, my husband and I cried, too. He was finally here. Our baby boy was alive and well. A 7lb 5oz baby measuring at 20 inches even though he was a few weeks early. He was fully grown and ready to be with us. They measured him, cleaned him a little and got all his vitals while the doctors finished up with my stomach. They gave him to my husband to hold and I got to slightly touch the baby. I cried the whole time because of how happy I was. It was the most fulfilling moment and it was just the beginning of my son's life.

The surgeon was the OBGYN who recommended us to the fertility clinic three years prior, almost to the date. We had come full circle. She still has a weird bedside manner, but the whole thing was surreal. She did a good job and we all made it out safely. My husband was so nervous holding our baby. It was his first time ever holding a baby. I didn't want a c-section, but I was glad when everything was over. My legs remained numb for a while - a few hours I think? In order to graduate to the mother/baby unit and to eat, I had to be able to move my toes. It was a weird feeling to be able to move my arms and not my lower body. Around my incision, I'm still a bit numb there and apparently, I could be for a long time.

We took our first picture together and I look terrible, as if I had gone through pain for 3 days straight. My husband, the always photogenic one, looked great and our son could barely be seen. At least we have this family photo - even if no one else is allowed to see it. My body was still shaking. My shoulders were starting to hurt and feeling was coming back to my lower extremities slowly. They were prescribing me motrin, tylenol and oxy. I only took tylenol because the rest seemed frivolous. Sure, I was in pain, but nothing compared to the contractions and well, I survived all of that with just a tylenol here and there for headaches.

By about noon, I was starving by this point. It had been 30ish+ hours of early labor since I had last eaten. We ordered food (with some hiccups along the way) and finally got to eat when we arrived the mother/baby unit. It was then we started our four day stay of recovering, figuring out parenting, breastfeeding, and personal survival, and being interrupted every hour by nurses, doctors, consultants, social workers and who knows who else. I had only gotten about 2-3 hours of sleep in total during the 3 days of delivery. I matched this during the first few days of parenting, too. Even when I got home, I lived on 2 hours max for about three days straight. A week+ of no sleep really did me in. I was exhausted and finally got rest when I slept through a few alarms. Thankfully my husband took over that night because I needed it.

While in the mother/baby unit, our son had dropped about 10% of his birthweight. He was dehydrated and having a tough time pooping because of the weight loss. It was getting much milk because my nipples wouldn't stay erect while he was eating. Plus he kept falling asleep and it was hard to keep him demeanor.

A lactation consultant visited 6 times. I didn't like the first one, but then we lucked out with Renee for the rest of the visits. She was understanding and she didn't pressure us to breastfeed her way. She thought of different ways to encourage us and give solutions, such as a nipple shield or supplementing formula. Renee revealed that her oldest went through this as well and that it doesn't help when the hospital staff tells you how to do everything their way without listening to your needs. I commend her for her absolutely genuine care and reassuring assistance.

A few nurses were stellar (not Shawna awesome, but still great to have). Katie gave us our first few hours of rest. It also hurt his weight cuz I was delayed on the feedings, but she gave us swaddlers, extra blankets, shirts, etc. She also made sure to talk to us like we were humans and not patients who were leaving in a few days. Kristie was the first one to see me cry and she knew exactly what to do. She brought us the right sized nipple shield and flanges. She brought us a ton of formula. She helped ease my feelings of hopelessness transition into a sense of pointed purpose. The other nurses - Salimah, Anna, Natalie and a few others in the mother/baby unit were the best parts of the stay. Even if they all provided varying levels of care.

The doctors were too quick with their check-ins and I didn't really enjoy their presence. They had the best intentions but we felt like a mark on their checklist. I assume they have too much to do in one day.

The room was small for a three person family but large enough for everything we needed to do while there. Our baby had a little plastic tube of a bassinet with two drawers of storage. My husband had to sleep on the most uncomfortable couch out of the three he ventured on. I believe it was this one that he caught an ear infection from because he didn't use the bed setting. He used the regular couch setup because the bedding was slanting.

The bathroom was pretty big, though. I put many mesh underwear and large pads on in there. It's where a nurses used a perineal bottle on me and showed me how to use it. It's where I took my first post-surgery shower and found out my stomach was numb still. I liked our original room with the induction unit best because of the couch for my husband, and I loved the huge size of the labor/delivery room. The bathroom for the mother/baby unit was best. It was right next to my bed during a time when it was hard to walk. Plus it served as a dish washing site and a great place to rest from all the noises in a hospital.

I had a catheter in from the c-section and by the time they took it out, I was very hydrated. Peeing clear impressed the nurses who took it out - I guess it's the little odd things that make the day better.

My husband and I fought multiple times in the hospital and since coming home. We're exhausted. We don't fight often, but when we do, it is normally because one of us is tired...and well, we're always tired right now.

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It's now 6 weeks post delivery and our little guy is doing well. He's a tad under the weather (doctors says a cold), but otherwise he is 11 pounds and 22 inches long. He grows pretty fast so he may be heavier by now.

These last few weeks have been very tough and I've gone through a lot of emotions. It's a lot of work and we asked for it. We really wanted a child and now we're finding out how hard it is to raise one. Yet would I trade my son for anything? No. This shows how bad we wanted a child and also how much we are still willing to sacrifice in order to hold him for many more years. The birthing experience was not what I wanted, but he came home. That's all I prayed for...and it's exactly what we got. I can only be thankful to God for his life right now. My heart feels warm.

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This post took six weeks to write because I don't have much time anymore. Most of it was done while in the hospital, but some parts had to be completed or filled in afterwards. It barely covers everything that happened during our 6-day stay. It was a long and arduous time, and now we are met we an harder time of caretaking. Parenthood is so glamorized and I'm here to tell you how much it shouldn't be. The afterglow is wonderful and the heart fuzziness is neverending. No, seriously. I feel joy even when my son is crying and I don't know what to do to help. Yet, we paint pictures of cuddling babies and doing fun activities, but it's a lot more than that. Make sure you want a baby before having one. It's a lot of work to get to the time where they can take care of themselves alongside you. It's years of waiting for them to grow old enough to just pee on their on own. It's many days wondering if you're doing okay as a guardian. You just hope they survive your mistakes and your novice-abilities of taking care of a human life. As rewarding as it may be, you are forever changed. For at least the beginning parts, you will not have much time to do anything for yourselves besides eat and sleep, which is still something you lose and have to reteach yourself and your baby how to do at the same time.

I'm not complaining, just not being dishonest. I'd rather be open about my struggles than to sink in self-negligence. Sure, I probably have postpartum depression in a mild sense, but I am actively working to go beyond it. It's been tough to not have much time for myself, but I can't give up. I have to do this for my baby and for my husband. I have to keep going for myself, too. I owe it to me.

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