#a joirnal entry

[voidcommascreamintothe]

Who’s anger is this?

“Its yours, you know.” My therapist says to me, leaning on the table, head propped on her left knuckles. I stop mid sentence.

“But..” I try not to get defensive, but its rising to the surface anyway. My throat can’t contain my desperate need to explain myself anymore that a pebble can hold back the flow of a river.

“But it is yours. When do you get angry?” she asks me.

“Well, when something happens that makes me angry.” I say flatly, but the therapist, being the professional that she is, doesn’t take any of my bullshit, and keeps looking at me, quiet and waiting.

“Okay. For example..” I start, recanting a recent argument between my supervisor and my boss. I was reassigned into a different department, and my supervisor lost an already trained member of her team, all because of internal politics. I explain to my therapist that i was angry because my supervisor, who I look up to and respect greatly, got screwed over and i was angry for her.

“But that is still your anger” my therapist explained. “Being angry on someones behalf still means that you are angry. You are the one upset over this slight. Its your anger.” She pauses, looks me over once, and continues, “also, why are you angry on your supervisor’s behalf, and not because you were the one removed from the team? Didn’t you say you don’t like the current reassignment and lack training?”

“Yes but I can find a way to cope and-“

“You were removed from a position you enjoyed, despite your protests. Why aren’t you angry over that?”

“Well yes, but I can work here for some time it will be fine, and besides, some connections were pulled to get me in, I can’t really ask for more than that.. I mean i can I just..” I stop talking. I dont know what to say. I see it show up again, that little but, a staple in my vocabulary. I used to say it so often, it almost ruined me. Now i am doing it again.

“A string was pulled to get you in through the door, but that was a year ago.” My therapist says after a long pause. She continues, “you know what you are doing yea? You know the work, the science?”

“Yes. Yes i do.”

“So its safe to say you stayed because of your hard work. 12 plus months, you stayed, and got stellar reviews on you performance evaluation.”

“I did.” I nod, and I mean it. I do the work really well, I even trained two new hires. My eyes start to burn and my throat gets tight. She continues, asking me a question I dreaded answering, “ why don’t you get angry over being wronged? Why do you thing you don’t have a right to get angry?”

“ Because..” my voice is thick, my vision blurry. I am picking up what she is putting down, so i answer this question, and the next one I know she will ask me, “ because I don’t feel like I have earned my spot. I feel like I am not worthy of the position that I had, that I don’t get to be angry at a gift that was given to me. Mind you, i am aware that I know what I am doing, I know the science. I fought for my spot and was elated when my hiring was made official. But only briefly. I don’t get to be happy, I don’t get to celebrate a small win because it is not the win that my parents wanted me to have!” Now I am not only crying, but also yelling. I am so angry, so furious, that i start to see red. She thinks I am deserving, worthy. But doesn’t she know? Doesn’t she know that I am an awful person? All the failures, all the mistakes, she knows all that so.. And thats when it hits me. A lightning strike from a clear blue sky.

She knows some of my burdens, I have been going to see her only for a short amount of time, but she knows and does not think see me as a bad person. A trained professional knows my truths and still does not see me as a horrible human being. The realization hits so strongly it feels like my body took a screenshot. I realize i have been quiet for a time, but she is lookin mg at me with a smile. She nods, encouraging me to continue talking.

“Ok, fine.” I say, trying to sound nonchalant, but I don’t succeed. I roll my eyes, smile, and continue, “fine, fine. I am angry. I loved my job. I loved the research that we did. My former supervisor was a great team leader and mentor. I made my objections known, and they fell on deaf ears. I am angry.”

“See? You are angry. Its your anger. I know you are a great researcher, scientist, genetic modifier of organisms,” she laughs as she lists my work tasks as if they are my actual job tittle. She leans back i her chair, hands in her lap.

“You were wronged and you deserve to get angry over that. You-“

“I deserve to get angry.” I finish for her. My tears are still flowing, but the pain in the back of my throat is gone and i can speak easier now. “I deserve to get angry.” I repeat it almost like a mantra.

My therapist smiles at me. She says “How do you feel now?”

“Better. I feel like i should remind myself of that more often.”

“You should. Don’t forget it. We do have a lot of work to do though. Your anger should be addressed in a healthy way, healthy and safe way, so we will work on it.”

I laugh a little. I have always known that I am angry. I’ve always know that I am an angry person, so its nice to see someone give me space to feel it without judgement.

It still feels like a great molten blob in my soul. So intense and brightly burning, its almost biblical. Fire and brimstone. But its still mine. Mine and mine alone. To have and to hold, in sickness and in health. If i am truly committed to this journey of self fulfillment, then I must find a way to have it, and to hold it. To own it.

“We still have some time left,” she says, pulling me from my thoughts. “What did you do this past week?”

“I went to see Barbie.” I reply.

We end the session talking about the movie, and me getting progressively more passionate in my praise for Gerwig.

[damnedrainbows]

DAAAAMN RED that’s a lot of writing

I can’t wait

[sleepy-vix]

also oh my gosh there are literally no words for how proud I am of you for that joirnal entry?? I’ve been through hell and back with feeling suicidal and I clawed my way back to life starting exactly the same way but DAMN it’s so hard Yk? And it feels so exhausting and useless?? But seriously I promise it’s not. It’s okay if the actions you’re taking feel like they’re taking a long time to kick in, or it doesn’t rlly feel like YOU yet. One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to learn was to stop waiting for the feeling of peace and joy to just show up and find me, that I had to actively do stuff to help it happen and keep doing it even when it felt like nothing was happening. Sorry ik this was a ramble and I hope it wasn’t too personal but I’m sending you so much support and love and if you ever need to talk I’m here! Also im a huge Jane Austen and hamlet fan :)) keep going, im rlly proud of you and you’re doing rlly rlly well <33

AWWWWWW this means so much to me, thank you so much for telling me this. i'm so so so so proud of you too and i'm so happy for you :} it's so wonderful to hear that other people shared similar experiences but found hope in the end because it makes everything seem a little less hopeless and a little more achievable. thank you for sharing with me what you learned (waaaa i'm going to now make a journal page about things that could make me happy TvT <3)

i wish i had something more to say, a nugget of wisdom to gift you in return for yours, because you're such a star for actually reading my whole journal entry :(( it means alot to me

i honestly always thought that journal entries like that would be bothersome to my followers, but after posting that, i actually did feel a little better and more resolved and mentally clearheaded :) writing it felt like i was cutting off a piece of myself (a diseased piece, but a piece of myself nonetheless) and offering it up into the void like a naive child would bestow a glass bottle containing a whimsical message into the ocean, and i truly did not expect a response but im so happy that i did 🤍

i'll be sure to share my thoughts on hamlet and jane austen's work when i finish reading them !! :)

[dustoikea]

haiji towa part two because what the fuck

holding grudges and fighting because of them is not the same as confronting the problem. instead of actually seeing the problem and taking action reasonably, like adults, haiji and his stupid little “resistance” group are attacking with the goal of killing the other party; wiping them out.

they are not doing it to protect themselves or for any sort of just reason, instead they are doing it because they want to. they’re angry that their lives have been torn apart and now they’re holding grudges against these monokumas and children, wanting them all to die.

it’s understandable that they are upset and angry about their situation, but it’s being taken too far by both parties. the children are not justified for killing so many people just because of what they’ve experienced, and the adults are not justified when planning to annihilate the monokumas and children because of their experiences.

attacking back has always been the best option, but this isn’t attacking back. this is not self defense. this is purposefully annihilating the attacker out of hatred and anger, not safety or self defense.

they will not care if they give up, they will not care if they stop fighting back; the adults will continue fighting until the other party is completely gone out of anger.

that is not protecting yourself.

[dirtdutchess]

the inevitable lost feeling 🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭

[lemonyellowlogic]

EYYYY I MADE MY TEACHER CRY POG CHAMP

[sarahandrelouisexo-blog]

This is me.

I'm 25

Never had a girlfriend

Only had real relationship with a guy

I am the personification of the hozier line

"I fall in love just a little oh a little bit every day with someone new"

My best friend tells me I am the definition of bubbly

[like-im-paralyzed-by-time]

TAYLOR SWIFT SAW MY OLD JOIRNAL ENTRY THAT I WROTE ABOUT HER IM MOT OKAY

[ihaskidgloves]

2020 has been a weird and tough year for everyone but let's face it, not EVERYTHING was bad. Little things here and there made us smile, may it a midday ice cream break or rewatching an episode of your favorite show. • A few months ago, I started keeping a "happy list" every time I made a joirnal entry. It made me take a closer look into my day. I may be having an incredibly difficult time but... that coffee from Del Taco was pretty awesome lol. • I'm planning out 2021 resolutions and actually picturing myself seeing them through. Is this inspiration? • So go and find those little things that made you smile today... even just for a second. . . . . . #bulletjournal #bujo #bujocommunity #bujolove #instabujo #bulletjournaling #leuchtturm1917 #journal #journaling #SideM #animebujo #animejournaling #animejournal #happylist #memopad #SEM #handwriting #gratitude #gratitudejournal https://www.instagram.com/p/CJKZi4PhO0a/?igshid=5l5jrvfx9xc7