#a good shower cry can fix more things than you'd think.

[larsnicklas]

anyway to me evgeny kuznetsov will always be defined by his joy. he really had so much of it; it spilled over often and put a smile on so many faces including his teammates' and fans'. his personality is one of a kind, ebullient and brash and clever. a lot of what he did that people on the outside scorned him for came from a place of love — for his family, for his team, for the game. the flapping bird celly, for instance, that garnered so much bad faith criticism from more conservatively minded hockey pundits and fans — he did that for his daughter. it delighted her! and who was he to deny her just because some people whose opinions he didn't care about said he should stop?

i'll love kuzy forever — like that entire cup team is lodged in my heart, but kuzy gave us the game 6 ot winner against pittsburgh. i think that was actually the moment every single person who was invested in the capitals' success realized this year might be the one. i'll never forget it; for as much as the final game in vegas is embedded into my psyche as a sports fan, that kuzy goal in the second round might actually be one of the single most memorable moments of my life lol. the way i felt, the way hundreds and thousands of caps fans must have felt.... no matter what has happened since, no matter what happens from here on out, we'll always have that game, that playoff run, that magic that kuzy brought to the ice.

at his best, he's so creative and dynamic. one of those guys that can make something out of absolutely nothing, and a really dynamite playmaker. ovi got the conn smythe in 2018 and nobody on planet earth begrudges him that, but the argument kuzy should have gotten it for that playoff run... it's strong.

i understand that kuzy's time and legacy in washington is not an uncomplicated one, but the thing that isn't complicated is this: i'm grateful for all the good times he brought to the team and the fans, and i'm grateful for all he gave of himself along the way. and don't get it twisted, he gave as much of himself as he could. i know people liked to say (especially these past few years) that he wasn't trying, that he was checked out, that he was just a warm body on the ice. i don't know how you look at a guy that's so clearly struggling and come away with that attitude. just zero empathy. nobody wants to be struggling, man. no professional athlete in the world wants to go do what they've spent their whole life training to do and fucking fail at it. i really hope that he got — and continues to get — the support he needs, and i hope he gets that fresh start he wants so badly.

i've missed seeing him in good spirits; i've missed seeing him loose and happy and playful and i want him to feel that way again. i wanted so so much for it to be here with the capitals because i am sentimental to a debilitating degree, but even more than that i want him to feel good and be well, no matter where and how. i hope he gets that. i hope he knows that we're rooting for him always.

[prettyboykatsuki]

oliver talking his partner through it and calling him d**** god your brain is so huge my stomach hurts thinking about this. he’ll never tell you he loves you to your face and tries to fuck you more like he hates you because he doesn’t want to get too attached but as you’re getting close he’s all in your face and your neck, teasing you, biting your ear and softly begging you to tell him how you feel, how it’ll be better for him if you tell d**** just how close you are and how much you need him. takes you over the crest so sweetly, and continues rolling into you, chasing his own. his kisses are nonstop and so overwhelming, and he knows they are but he just really needs to connect with you like this. never the first to say “i love you” but unfortunately (in his opinion) he expresses it in so many other ways. sorry.

but i crumble completely when you cry | a. oliver

✮ tags ; DADDY KINK, afab + fem!reader, situationship!oliver, hooking up, unresolved romantic tension, p in v, praise, soft sex, it gets emotionally strange, riding, creampies, unprotected sex, under-negotiated kink in a sense though oliver is very careful

✮ wc ; 2.2k (i dont want to talk about it)

✮ a/n ; anon im going to haunt your dreams for putting this absurd image into my head when i dont even go here im crying screaming throwing up ive been thinking about it for hours. hours of my life wasted on this guys dick. upsetting!!!!!

also i do not write this often and do not plan too again any time soon so if ur seeing this and thinking about following me for content like it i would not recommend!!!

✮ synopsis ; you don't trust oliver with your heart or your feelings. nor do you expect anything from him.

but it's hard not to lean into him when he decides to cradle you so gently.

Your relationship with Oliver is both very ambiguous and very clear.

There's a line drawn, and you both steer clear of crossing it in your interactions. Oliver is fun. He's attractive and charming, a massive flirt but just genuine enough to be interesting.

It helps that he's hot. Physically, he's got an unreal build.

He's an athlete, so he's big. Wide chest and strong arms, thick thighs and the height to top it off. He's 6'3, and he's sexy (and his dick is huge) - and you sleep with him because of that. You don't date him explicitly because he's a womanizer. If you'd met when you were a little younger, a little more naive - you might've tried to dog-train him into being your boyfriend.

Because on top of the immaculate dick, he's fun to be around. He's funny, he drinks well, he's not a scumbag in the ways that turn you off.

You're old enough to know better. You have a career. You're too busy, and too jaded about love to try and fix whatever weird shit he has going on. So even if the two of you harbor some sort of emotional or romantic feelings for each other, you're smart enough to not get invested in those feelings and smart enough to have no expectations.

Oliver is your fun. He's your sneaky link, your weekend off. You come to him to blow off steam. You have rough, fast sex and it's good. Sometimes you chill afterwards, and you'll indulge each other in some physical affection but other times you take your shower and leave. It's a good time, and you know well enough not to ever ask him for any of your emotional needs. You have your therapist and girl friends for that.

Normally, when you're having a rough week - it's prime time to go to him. He'll fuck you a little harder than usual, and sometimes he's nice enough to kiss it better. But it's still, very distinctly, never crossing that boundary.

But some weeks, like this week - shit is bad. Not just stressful bad, but everything in the fucking world that could go wrong, is going wrong bad. It's not the kind of thing you can get over by compartmentalizing and even when you try to do your usual thing it doesn't really work.

You're trying right now - to get over the fucked up week you had. And you're turned on, but somehow - it's still not enough to get you completely out of it.

Oliver pauses mid stroke, in missionary - hetero-chromatic eyes staring you down as your thoughts are somewhere else completely. You don't notice the first time he stops, or the first time he calls you.

And he only gets your attention by cupping your face and making you look at him. You startle as you cast your glance his way.

"What's with you?" He asks, though he's not pissed or anything "Not feelin' it? Want me to stop?"

"No, you don't have too."

"Not what I asked," He chastises, letting go of your face "Not having your full attention is making me go soft,"

This makes you laugh, and Oliver cracks a smile seeing the tension melt off your face if only slightly.

"I'm cool with stopping." He assures. You let your hand reach up to his shoulder.

"It's not like I want to stop, necessarily? Like I wanna do something to get my mind off it and sex feels like the best option, but you know how it goes sometimes," You say, trying your best to avoid the emotional baggage of your words "We can stop though. I'll pay you for your wasted time," You tack the joke on at the end to ease the tension.

You're expecting him to pull out and stop, or maybe challenge himself into fucking you so good that you forget. Something more quintessentially Oliver than what he does do.

He gives you a blank look first, than a laugh that is a touch too sincere for you to be comfortable "That bad of a week?"

You're suddenly in dangerous territory. Somehow, this strange intimacy makes all the hairs on the back of your neck stand up. You swallow thickly, the emotions coming over you so quick you end up looking away.

"Yeah. You know. It's fine, but you know."

"Mm," He says. He leans into your space. His breath is warm and his stubble tickles your skin as he whispers in your ear. You feel your breath hitch. And the air feels heavy "Wanna try somethin' else?"

"Like what?"

"A surprise," He says first, and find your stomach tightening. A hollowness in your nerves "Gotta trust me."

"You're scaring me." You joke.

"I'm a sex expert, you know?" Oliver says, humming against your skin "If I can't remedy your little problem with my dick, it's bad for my street cred. My yelp reviews will tank."

"You're such a dumbass."

"Do you trust me?"

You don't know how to answer. Yes, for the most part. Not with everything, but with your pleasure at least. Whatever this is, it doesn't feel the same. But you say yes, anyways. Oliver kisses your jaw in reply, then he pulls out.

He flips position easily. He ends up on his back, then he grabs you to rest on top of him. You're not sure what you're expecting. He holds you by your hips as your sex hovers over his cock. His thumb is rubbing circles into your skin as he sinks you down slowly onto him.

You only stare at him, mouth opening as you feel him stretch you open for a second time.

You're more aware of it this way. He's so thick, and so intrusive - and normally, you're feeling that in hard strokes. Fast and rough, like something knocking into your cervix. But like this, he's hitting a deep angle. You can feel every curve, every inch, as you come down slowly.

He keeps you there. For longer than you'd expect. Just keeps you, settles you, holds you gently. You stare at him as he grabs your hand, locking your fingers. Your first instinct is to panic, or crack a joke - but there's an intense look in his eye that shuts you up.

Uncharacteristically gentle, you find yourself frightened. Oliver's hands reach for you again. They hold your waist and slide up the planes of your body. He holds your tits in his palms and squeezes.

He does this a lot, but there's not usually this much touching. This much foreplay. It's grabby, a deeper pressure. He doesn't...feel you, in the way he is now. You stare at him, and he looks back at you so fondly you feel a strange urge to pretend it never happened.

"Play with your clit," He says, though there's no urgency in his voice.

Deep and smooth, the timbre in it has you shaking. You listen, on auto-pilot as you play with yourself clumsily and build a slow pressure. He just watches.

"C'mere, baby. And don't stop touching yourself."

Another pause. It's not the first time he's called you that. He likes to call you all sorts of things when you're fucking, and baby is one of the few. But not like that. Not like this. He gives you a lazy, self satisfied smile and encourages you by placing a hand on where he can reach on your low back.

You lean down, and Oliver tucks you into his chest. He's warm, and strong - and smells so good, like musk and cologne. Your free hand is on his chest, as he grips your hips and fucks up into you.

"That's it," His voice is pleasant to your ears. It feels funny to you "Just gotta listen to me."

He starts fucking you slowly. It's a familiar feeling, a pleasant stretch that dulls into a euphoric fullness. But it's never been this slow before. Each thrust is slow, and punctual, and so deep you feel yourself gasping. It's not enough to push you over the edge, but it's enough to make your mind feel a little numb.

You think he's going to keep at you like this, maybe edge you to take you out of it. But he doesn't. He keeps his pace.

"Had a hard time this week, didn't you, tough girl?" He mumbles, so low it doesn't feel real. You feel your heart start to race. You feel your throat start to close around something, choking "Did a good job and came to me. Gonna let me take care of it?"

You stumble. You aren't sure what to say, you nod and hope he feels it. He laughs a little. You can't be sure if you're fucking Oliver or not.

You know it's him but he's never been like this. Not once. Not ever.

"Gonna let daddy take care of you?" He says, though it's tentative. Your breath hitches. Something strange overwhelms your senses "Tell me, baby."

"Uhm," Your first reaction is a sense of resistance, an immediate pull away. Not that you hate it but you aren't sure how to adjust. You squirm, but you don't tell him no. You feel like you can't in this state "Uh-uh,"

He keeps surprising you, pressing his lips to yours where you hover over him, tender as he ups the pace of his thrusts.

"That's what I like to hear," He almost sounds proud "You'll hurt your head if you think too much. And I'd be a bad daddy, letting that happen, yeah?"

A vulnerable, foreign sensation drives you to speak "You're not bad in that way."

He laughs "Just in other ways, right?"

You giggle "Uh-huh."

"But not in this one," He repeats, very carefully. He fucks into you harder now, pays extra special attention to you. It's all for you, is what he's saying in a language completely foreign yet somehow so known. One only the two of you will ever know fully, confined in the four walls of this room "Daddy is good at taking care of you like this, so you should let him do just that. Tough girls always need their daddies, hm?"

It's what ends up tipping you up over the edge. You cling to him, succumbing to whatever weird space the two of you have fallen into you. Suspended in this odd sense of comfort that Oliver has thrust you in unannounced.

You don't trust Oliver with a lot, and this is more than what you should ever find yourself giving. In the back of your head you think you should pull away.

But he's comforting. It feels good, and strangely feels safe - and even for all the ways he's awful, you trust he'd never do anything bad to you. Even if it's a blip in the timeline, for now it's what you need. A blurry cross into your emotional needs that translate into your physical ones. Too much and so overwhelming, you hug closer to him and take a deep breath.

"Mm," You let yourself lean into him. Just this once, you promise yourself. "I wanna cum."

"Want it a little harder?"

"Mhm,"

"Then Daddy will give it to you a little harder, yeah? Anything for you." He says, and you try not to think to deeply on what that really means. Because even in this state you know it's not nothing, but you should never pry "Daddy can give you anything you want."

"Yeah?"

He chuckles a little as he fucks into you hard. Fucks into you how you need. You're wet enough, and wondering if you were always so into being doted on. Or if it's just the fact that it's Oliver. Another thing you decide to overlook as you zero in on the sensation of being pistoned from underneath. You're soaking. The room noisy with the sticky noise of Olivers cock penetrating you over and over, skin hitting skin as his hips press against your ass. His grip is bruising but not intentionally, his chest huffed in pleasure.

He's just as close as you are, you know all of his cues. You play with your clit faster, sensitive bud throbbing hard as all the blood rushes south. Your mouth has fallen open as the slow, thick desire coiling and culminating into something cosmic. Something big and heavy, but not too fast. Not a crash landing like you're used to.

But a single weight, the force of a star dropping to Earth. You figure Oliver is the gravity in your universe, holding you down so you don't float too far. You want to cling onto him for much longer.

And somehow, you're inclined to think he would let you.

"Oliver," You say his name as it builds, then decide on something else "Daddy,"

"I'm here, baby," He says back, like it's all he has to say for everything to make sense when nothing about this does "I'm right here. Let go."

So you do. You cum hard, and it comes in long never ending waves. Too much. It makes you collapse in Olivers arms, both arms coming around his neck as he continues to fuck you through the aftermath.

"Gonna," He voices, rasping as his thrusts become sloppy "Shit. Cumming, shit."

He cums with you, cums deep inside like usual and you mewl at the feeling of being filled with hot, sticky seed.

When it's over, you're almost afraid to look at him. When the tensions settled, and his chest goes back to it's steady breaths - you wonder whats going to happen next.

"Wanna stay like this for a while?"

You nod.

"Mm. Sleepy."

"Stay like this, then. I'll wake you in a little."

"So you can kick me out?" You joke, trying to pretend nothing is different. He pauses.

"Just to shower," He whispers, hand resting on your lower back "Sleep."

There's too much to think about. Tomorrow will be strange. You let yourself succumb to your own exhaustion.

"Okay."

[mcflymemes]

ANYONE BUT YOU (2023) PROMPTS *  assorted dialogue from the film, adjust as necessary

you still live at 28 fuckboy lane?

there's a reason why you're alone. no one can trust you.

i still think about the night we spent together.

these last few days really made me realize how much i miss you.

that night at your place, no matter how it ended, it was still pretty amazing.

so... you gonna kiss me now?

you'll always be my rock bottom.

okay, nuzzle my neck. get in there.

we are not together. we were faking it the whole time.

we have to kick it up a notch. make it feel like we're in the ga-ga stage.

you know, i feel really bad about that.

did you catch him measuring his dick with a ruler app?

you scared the shit out of me.

we're getting pretty good at faking it.

it doesn't matter how we found out.

permission to put my left hand on your right buttock?

okay, not in circles. it's not a magic lamp.

are you not wearing underwear?

we do not inherit the earth. we just borrow it from our creatures.

i have a better idea. you just let me do everything.

thanks for being so cool about all of this.

you want a coffee? it's the best n the world.

there's only one bed, but we hung a shower curtain in the middle.

hi. where's your bathroom?

i could have done it myself, but whatever. thanks.

thanks for not stealing my coat.

is that really a two person job?

you would let me die?

they think i'm throwing my life away.

no, that was rude. i apologize to anyone that was listening.

i don't know. i'm not good at this, sorry.

i'm from a different generation.

i'm not talking about love. i'm talking about dick.

all that matters is that we're together.

that's not me anymore. i'm free now. i'm deprogrammed.

no way, that man does not have a heart.

well, that didn't take long.

if i never ask you for anything ever again, can you please just lay off of me this weekend?

let's just have a moment to calm ourselves.

no one cares. no one can see us.

we were on a break, asshole.

either way, someone's lying to someone.

i must have really gotten under your skin.

you used none of those terms properly.

i cannot believe i just said that out loud.

i'm sorry. my life is a disaster right now.

look at this place. it looks like every serial killer reenactment documentary.

no matter how broken something is, there's always a way to fix it.

this whole thing is so new to me.

i don't really like labels, but i like you a whole bunch.

so are you going to ask me out now?

so if we were getting attacked by giant spiders, you would not be able to protect us?

you two know each other?

i'm going to go grab a drink. door's that way if you're looking to sneak out. i know that's your thing.

i'm going to get a drink and toast to never seeing you again.

how crazy is it that we're on the same plane?

why do so many of us feel stuck?

you don't even play tennis.

we're fine if he just stays away from me.

you're such a romantic.

i was hoping you'd come. i wanted to message you, but i didn't know how you'd feel about hearing from me.

they're also a little worried how you're gonna react to all this.

you have a little something in your teeth.

we need to come up with a game plan.

you are so terrible at this.

it's harder than you think.

they know i would never go out with a guy like you.

we just suck face in front of everybody.

you're calling me a fuckboy like it's an insult? i own that shit.

let's just be affectionate. i know it's a foreign concept for you.

you were the one who said there's a thin line between love and hate.

i think it was more of a euphemism for crying alone.

i definitely didn't hate you.

last night was the first thing i haven't regretted in a long time.

i love the weird way you stick your hand down my pants.

[ivesambrose]

✿ 𝓕𝓮𝓫𝓻𝓾𝓪𝓻𝔂 𝓶𝓲𝓷𝓲 𝓶𝓮𝓼𝓼𝓪𝓰𝓮𝓼 ✿

1. 2. 3.

Short & sweet, make the best of this month 💝

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Gif 1

You'll be finding more comfort in yourself by finally honouring your feelings, whatever they are. You had been running on logic and rigidity for the previous month but now you can feel at ease.

You may be feeling more sentimental as well a little more nocturnal than usual. If you feel like crying, please cry. It's okay.

Intuition will be very high as well.

You may cook or buy comfort foods or clothing that make you feel more comfortable. You might be into soft pastel or muted shades a little more. You'd like to make your surroundings more cozy as well.

You'll have a rather romantic month as well so stay open to this.

If you've been having health issues or were harsh or overtly critical of your body you'll recover and overcome it. There is a lot of emphasis on skin care rituals, spa days or a nice long bath or shower with some aroma therapy that will help you rejuvenate. Please look after yourself and stop skipping breakfast.

Gif 2

It may not seem like it at first but this is going to be a very significant and dare I say, a big month for you. Almost like a bridge that leads to something bigger.

You'll be feeling lucky and more enthusiastic to learn, to travel, to experiment etc you may even get a new tattoo or some of you might get their visa for studies/work or travel.

If you've been the quiet type previous year or month I sense you'll start putting yourself out there more. Maybe indulge in photography and show off your artistic skills or you yourself. Maybe documenting or progress in something too.

You're manifesting something big, more structure, more success in your business or work and stability. You're seeing every little thing as something that adds to what you want. There will be a big ending like you're finally taking off a band aid or simply throwing expired food out. Better boundaries as well.

Your determination and persistence will get you the recognition you seek. I also see you attracting someone because of this but they may be slow to approach simply out of nervousness.

Gif 3

I think some of you felt drawn to the 2nd gif as well. Y'all are my ambitious folk as you should be. I heard "ka ching!" While chanelling for this group so expect some (a lot) of money. You're focused on your reputation, fame, long term goals this month. You might be super busy since things finally start picking up for you.

Some of you working out or joining the gym, you'll start seeing the good results in 6 weeks. Don't rush this.

Something you've always loved as a child or teen is going to end up being the big thing for you. How is none of your business, you have an inner knowing, that's enough.

You'll be quiet about your moves but your work will start speaking for itself. I see some of you practicing something in front of the mirror or saying your affirmations to yourself.

I see new, playful exciting romances as well gifts for you. I also see you getting a lot of your vision board or wish list manifestions all at once.

Visualise your desires before you sleep and most importantly, fix your sleeping schedule and get a good 7 - 8 hours of shut eye.

[zunniva]

Heartbroken Love pt. 3

I'm totally new to tumblr and I can't for the life of me figure out how to link to the other 2 parts... Sorry :)

Heartbreak and Love

In this part I freely imagine the aftermath of Vecna's rampage. It's also he part where Emma and Steve really find each other, eventually. All is good in the end though!

The darkness... it's taken over. Dad tells me I graduated, I have no memories of this. I apparently went up on that stage, got my diploma, refused to leave until principal Higgins gave me Eddies diploma too. I have a faint memory of the Hellfire club standing up cheering, alongside Steve and the gang. All cheering and screaming Eddies name. People booing, Steve throwing something at them. But this is just like a memory of a dream... you're not quite sure it's real. Dad says it is, he was standing up cheering for Eddie as well.

It's been 3 months now, 3 agonizing months without him. The trailer park was demolished in the “earthquake” so Wayne had to leave. He came by to say good bye, and he left me Eddies guitar. Told me that if I ever found myself in whatever part of the country he ended up in I needed to look him up. I think I promised him that. I sleep with the guitar in my bed, or sleep. I stay in some kind of dormancy, not asleep not awake. Just... shut off. Then dad comes and makes me get out of bed, every morning without fail. He makes sure I take a shower and then I just sit there in my chair, holding the guitar looking out the window.

The town is slowly coming back from the disaster that was “the earthquake” dad tells me. They're rebuilding and fixing what they're able to. I don't care... What's to care about? A town that celebrated the dead like heroes of war but ignored one of the only real heroes it had? Not one mention about him in the eulogies, even AFTER they came out and said he was falsely accused of the murder of Chrissy. Not even then was he mentioned as anything but “that freak Munson boy” I understand why Wayne felt he needed to leave.

Dad's been asking me if we should leave too, maybe head back to Sweden so I can apply for university next semester. I cry silent tears when he says this, so he doesn't push. The therapist that comes here once a week told him not to push. Just give me time, I'll come out of this eventually, it'll be easy once I get over the initial pain. Fucking moron, I hope someone he loves dies and he can come tell me how easy it is to “come out of it”. I feel angry, all the time. Then sad, and I cry. I don't know where the tears come from, you'd think I would have run out by now. But that's my life now, anger, tears and pain. But no actions, I don't have it in me to DO anything but stare into nothingness and...exist.

I miss him so much, sometimes I just wish I had it in me to... you know join him. But I can't do that to dad. He loved Eddie too, I know this but I have no energy to be there for him and that also makes me miserable.

The guys have been around to visit. In the beginning almost every day. Now school's started again and Nancy, Steve and Robin have all got new jobs. So I'm alone all day. Dad got a promotion following the death of Jason, his dad had a mental breakdown and couldn't keep working. The board asked dad to step in and manage the whole company. I'm sure I'm proud somewhere inside, I might even be able to show it some day.

I have absolutely no idea what happened to them in the Upside down, after finding Dustin in that parking lot I've lost track of everything. Steve is the one that comes over the most, he sits beside me holding my hand. Not speaking, I can't take in what people tell me any ways. He just sits there. It feels good having him there, comforting.

Another month passes, I think it's getting a bit easier to exist. Not a lot but I manage to remember things dad tells me for more than 10 minutes. I get out of bed on my own, I've even been down stairs a few times. I can tell dad is tentatively hopeful, maybe I am to. But at the same time I'm terrified. What if I get better and I forget him? What if everyone moves on and he's just passed in to oblivion? When these thoughts hit I panic. The only thing calming me down is to sit in bed strumming Eddie's guitar humming to myself. That's also the only use of my voice since that day I graduated. I haven't spoken, not one word. I nod and I shake my head.

On this particular day the intrusive thoughts are really bad and I decide to do something I haven't done in 4 months. I pick up the phone after making sure it's a Saturday and not a weekday.

“Hello?”

“Please come over...” my voice is low and sounds more like a croak from a frog than an actual person

“Emma?”

“Please... I need you”

“I'll be right there”

10 minutes later I hear the door bell. My dad opens the door

“Oh hey Steve, good to see you. I don't know if she's up yet”

“She is... Martin she called me... she actually spoke” I hear the happiness in Steve's voice.

“Are you sure? You're not joking are you?” I hear from the tone on dads voice that he doesn't quite trust Steve

“I thought for a moment myself that I was dreaming, but then I pinched myself and I was awake. She called Martin...and she called ME!” I have no clue what he meant by that

I hear his footsteps in the hallway then a soft knock on the door. It opens and his smiling face looks at me

“Hey” he looks at me

“Hey” I croak and he starts sobbing

“Oh god I missed your voice Em, so much you have no idea” he comes up to me taking my hand “you mind if I give you a hug?”

“Nah, that's why I wanted you here... I need one” I whisper

He wraps me in his arms and he hugs me tight.

“I missed you” he says in to the crease of my neck

“I understand that, can't promise I'm gonna be here all the time but I'm getting closer...maybe” I say and I wrap my arms around him as well. If feels so good having someone close. I forgot how good it feels. We part from the hug “Hey, Steve. Maybe weird to ask after this long. But would you mind laying down on the bed with me. This position isn't comfortable and I can't stand up for that long” I look up at him

“I'd let you lie on top of me on the floor if it made you more comfortable Em. Not weird at all, c'mon lets get you in to bed” he smiles and takes my hand.

We lay down on the bed and he wraps his arms around me and I put my head on his chest so I can hear his heart beating. His hands slowly rubbing my arms up and down. I begin to cry softly into his shirt. He coos at me

“There, there you cry. Can't promise it'll make you better right away but maybe in a while. And I'm here for you all the way” he keeps stroking my arms and kissing my head. I can feel how excruciatingly tired I really am. I yawn “You take a nap I'll be right here” he says. I wiggle a little to get more comfortable and I put one arm around him. Then I sleep, like I haven't slept in months. I wake up thinking I just had a short nap, someone's put a blanket over us. Steve has slumped down on the bed so he's lying face to face with me still holding me. He's sleeping to, how long was I out I think. I try to move and Steve's eyes fly open.

“Hey...did I wake you?” he says looking worried

“No I think I woke you up, how long have I been sleeping?”

He looks at his watch “Well... should I lie to you or tell you the truth?” he smiles

“What? Truth...always truth” I say

“23 hours and 45 minutes...” he looks at me

“Excuse me? But... what about you? Have you been here the whole time?” He can't be serious

“You needed me, so I stayed. Of course I stayed” he says stroking my back

“For almost a whole 24 hours? But what about food... toilet...”

“Your dad's been in with food and for the short time it takes me to pee I left you. Hope you don't mind, you didn't even stir when I crawled back down beside you” he kisses my forehead

“Mind... Steve, this is beyond what I can ask of you. Don't put your life on hold for me...” I can't believe this

“Sweetheart, there are two people in this world right now that everyone's lives are on hold for. Yours and Max's. Ok? We all care” he says “maybe some more than others” he finishes with a whisper

“Max? What's wrong with Max?” I feel like I should know but there are no memories only fog

Steve looks at the time “Would you be up for a little trip outside today?” he asks

“Outside?” I think about it “well ok but you need to help me, I have no real strength left to walk”

“No problem!”

“And I need to get some clothes that aren't pyjama” I say tugging at my shirt. I smile, just a little smile but it's the first one in 4 months. Steve looks at me and tears fall down his face

“A smile? Oh God I missed your smile” and then he does something I didn't expect he leans in and he kisses me, just a quick kiss but I can feel it all over. “Oh I'm sorry... I couldn't help myself” he looks so ashamed like he violated me

“It's ok Steve I didn't mind. Made me feel almost like a person again” I say and I take his hand

“You sure?” he looks at me all apologetic

“100% now help me find clothes” I say as I manage to sit up in the bed. Ok so sleeping for almost 24 hours straight feel something like being drunk. The room spins when you sit up, and DAMN I need to pee. I try to get up but the rooms spins even more and I almost fall over.

“What are you doing, sit down please. I don't want you to hurt yourself” he says

“I really, and I can't stress this enough, fucking need to pee” I manage a small giggle and he lights up

“Wow even a giggle, this is a good day. Ok hold on to me and I'll help you to the bathroom”

We manage to get to the bathroom in time and he waits outside the door until I'm done. Then he follows me to the bed again and sits me down.

“Ok so clothes, any ideas?” he says

“Well...” I look down at my body even I can see I lost more weight following Eddie's death “whatever stills fits... So I'm guessing a dress is the best option” I shrug

“Ok, dress it is” he walks up to my closet looking through it. He turns to me and he has a big smile on his face “well I am partial to this one” he says and pulls out the dark green dress I've only worn once and that was when we had our thing at the lake. I blush

“I think that'll be a bit big but I can try it on at least” I say and he hands me the dress “would you please turn around” I say

“Of course” he does so right away. In my mind I go back to that night I last wore this dress, the conversation with Eddie when he was so hellbent on hearing what me and Steve had done he wasn't going to close his eyes while I changed. Tears trickle down the dress as I take off the clothes I have on and pull it over my head. It's big but not as awful as I thought it would be “Ok you can turn around now” I say. He turns and looks at me

“Beautiful, just like last time... But what's wrong?” he wipes the tears from my face

“Last time anyone saw me in this was after you and I... It was Eddie” I say

“Oh... I'm so sorry I had no idea... I just thought about the you and me part” he looks sad and he wraps me in his arms “You wanna change?”

“No, it looks ok and it's comfortable. I'll wear it as an homage” I say “where are we going by the way?”

“You'll see” he says and takes my hand, helping me down the stairs. We go in to the kitchen. Dad looks up

“Honey...you're...” tears start falling down his face

“Hey dad” I say and I hug him and he hugs me back so tight.

“Thank you” he says and I know he's looking at Steve when he says it

“Ehm... I'm taking Emma to the hospital to you know... see her” Steve says

“Her?” I'm confused

“Yeah sweetie, after you... collapsed with Dustin, well a lot more happened. You said you heard someone talking about Jason...and the kid found with him” dad says and I nod “Yeah that was Max...she's still in a coma”

“Max? In a coma? What...” I look at Steve

“We don't really know but I'll tell you what little we do know on the ride there if you still wanna come?” he says

“Yeah, of course I wanna come” I say and I mean it. For the first time in what feels like forever I care about someone, about something. I want to see Max.

“Great I'll bring the car up as far as I can” Steve says and heads out the door

“I'm so happy your feeling a little better today sweetheart. But don't stay out too long, you don't have all your energy you know.” dad looks at me with a hopeful smile

“I know, but I've been in that room for 4 months now. And I know there will be dark days ahead where I won't leave so for today I'm going to see my friends” I say

“Good for you honey, I'm all for it. Steve will take good care of you I know that. Send my love to whoever you see today.” dad kisses my forehead and squeezes my hand. Steve comes in and holds his hand out to me

“Your chariot awaits princess” he smiles and I can't help but smile back and I hear dad sob

“Yes, I do still remember how to smile. I'll try to do it from time to time” I say to him as I take Steve's hand and we head out to the car. At first the outside is an assault to my senses. Smells, sounds and the chill in the air. It's almost knocking me out. As Steve shuts the car door it all gets better. He gets in the drivers seat and he looks at me

“You ok?”

“Yeah, just a lot there after 4 months isolated in one room.” I say

“Oh, sorry didn't think about that. Then maybe I should take the tape out of the stereo” he smiles “don't wanna give you a heart attack”

“A heart attack? With what... Wham?” Steve was more of a mainstream kinda guy

“Well... I kinda changed it up a bit... Got some gifts from Wayne” he mumbles

“What? Wayne... did you... did you get Eddies tapes?” I ask “You? Who hate rock just as much as Eddie hated pop?” I almost laugh out loud at this

“I asked for them... I wanted something so I'd never forget him” he says in a hushed voice

“So you'd never...” my voice fails me and tears start falling again “but I thought you didn't” I manage to get out

“What? Like him...nah not at first. Guy kinda grew on you fast, didn't he” he smiles but I can see he's tearing up to

“He sure did... So you have the tapes... Can you bring them over some time? I want to copy them” I sob

“Of course I can, any time. Shall we go? Or do you want to stay home?”

“Go, this was just a temporary interruption. Feels sort of okish to mention him... not gonna say good. Don't think I'll ever get to good” I say

“Ok go it is” he says and starts the car making sure the tape isn't in.

We talk on the way to the hospital, about his new job. They offered him the basketball coaching position at the high school and he accepted, gladly he tells me. I tell him I'm happy for him, I am even though it might not show on the outside. He tells me what little they know about what happened to Max. Lucas was with her and Jason as Vecna assaulted her mind almost killing her like he did the others. But he was interrupted and Max ended up in a coma instead. Jason was killed in the rupture, he was torn in half apparently. I can't process this fully. So I go back to telling Steve I am happy for him, needing time to get the Max thing in my mind.

“I know you are sweetheart” he says and takes my hand holding it the entire car ride, he's slowly rubbing his thumb along the top of my hand. It's comforting, having someone touch me. We get to the hospital

“I have no idea how many of the guys are here today, but it's the weekend so there might be a few of them. Would that be ok?” he asks

“Yeah, I think it would. You visit her often?” I say

“When I'm not with you I come here for an hour or so. I tell her what's new, don't know if she can hear me but I hope so” he says

“I'm sure some of it comes through to her.” I say, squeezing Steve's hand. I'm thinking back to my past few months, I was awake but not reachable. I have some clue what the mind takes in even if you're not all there for it.

We go in to the hospital and we head up to the ward where Max is. Steve goes in in front of me, I hear some familiar voices. I sneak in after him and the silence is deafening

“Em? You're... you're here? Steve you got her to come out?” Dustin is smiling widely at me running up to hug me.

“Yeah...he helped” I say and they draw a collective breath and Nancy starts crying

“God I missed your voice Em” she comes up and wraps her arms around both me and Dustin. Not caring she crushes him between us “how are you feeling?” she asks as she lets go

“I...don't know. Today kinda ok. Yesterday was bad, tomorrow might be bad again. I think this is a one day at a time deal. But I...” I look over to the bed and my heart drops. A pale shadow of the beautiful girl I knew is laying there. She looks like she's sleeping, nothing more “never mind me, some day I'll be ok. But what about Max? Maybe you told me maybe you didn't but my mind didn't register until Steve told me today” I say and I go up to the bed. I sit down in the chair Nancy was sitting on and I lean over and I begin stroking Max's hair. “Hey Max, it's Em. Sorry it took me so long to come see you...I've been struggling. I guess they told you huh? So you know what...happened to Eddie. I kinda need you to wake up, take your time but just you know...wake up” I whisper. Lucas is sitting across from me holding Max's hand tears falling from his face

“Thank you for talking to her like she's here” he says “the doctors don't... We seem to be the only ones thinking she's coming back from this”

“What? You and me?” I look around

“No we, as in everyone in here” he says with a sad smile “Eleven's been trying to find her... But she says it's like she's hiding. She isn't sure it's safe”

I keep stroking her hair looking at her “So is it? Safe I mean...”

“We did finish him, after Eddie...and Max we got our revenge. Eleven found her powers... maxed them out even and popped his head like a zit... unfortunately we had to use Will as bait, turned out it was him he wanted all along. He's ok just...you know traumatized” Steve says from the corner

“So Vecna is no more? What about the upside down? Is it gone?” I ask dreading the answer

“We have no idea” Nancy says

I look up and I meet Dustin's eyes, I see he's thinking what I'm thinking. I need to find an opportunity to talk to him alone. If there is a chance... I'll risk everything. We stay with Max and the guys for about an hour or so, then I feel my head is about to explode from too many impressions and too many sounds after months of basically only silence. I look at Steve with pleading eyes

“Oh, I think I need to get Emma home, you're beat aren't you?” he says and smiles at me

“Yeah... I'm sorry guys but I am. I'll try to some back the next good day I have, ok?” making no promises because I have no idea what the next day will be like. They all nod and tell me to feel better and that they'll come visit. Steve and I head to the car and he pulls me in close and kisses my head

“You did good today sweetie, but I'll take you home now and get you in to bed ok?”

“Thank you Steve, this was...healthy. Made me get some perspective on my situation seeing Max like that” I say

“Hey, don't belittle your struggle. No one is thinking you're not having a hard time. We've all seen you through the months. Dustin told me about that day, he said the scream coming from you was the single most heartbreaking sound he'd ever heard. Even worse than...his last breath” he looks at me

“You never told me this before...” I say with a hushed voice

“I didn't think you were...susceptible to that kind of information before. I'm sorry”

“No don't be, and you're probably right. I remember some things people told me. Like Wayne telling me I need to look him up at some point, you heard anything from him?” I ask

“Yeah, he called like 2 months ago, he's in Nebraska working at a power plant. He sent me his address, I'll give it to you.” he smiles and hugs me again “ok lets go home now” we drive off and I keep looking out the window, letting my mind wander to what was hatched in my mind at the hospital. We come home to an empty house, a note from dad on the counter.

“Hey honey, they needed me at the office. I might be late. I made dinner, it's in the fridge. Enough for both you and Steve. Love you -Dad”

“Will you stay, please?” I ask Steve

“Of course I'll stay. If you need me I'm here I've told you many times during these months, maybe it hasn't registered but I have. I might not be him, and I will never try to take his place. But I want to be here for you, just like he would have” he looks at me and I wrap my arms around him taking in his smell and his warmth

“Thank you Steve” I can feel the tingle is still there, just like a lonely butterfly at the moment. But he's still Steve, the handsome, sexy, strong guy that not that long ago was naked in my arms writhing beneath me. I blush

“Hey what's this? What's on that mind of yours?” he smiles

“I just had a flashback... From the cabin” I whisper

“Oh...yeah, that. That was a good night wasn't it” he's rubbing my back and I feel so safe for the first time in what feels like forever

“It was... I wish we could have had another chance, another go at it” I keep whispering like I don't want to risk anyone hearing even though we're completely alone in the house.

“You and me both sweetie” he kisses the top of my head, I look up at him. My eyes lock on his lips I can feel his heart beating faster and I hear his breath shiver as he looks down at me. “I don't want to take advantage of you” he says in a coarse voice

“I'm not asking you to fuck me against the counter... That's too soon, but I wouldn't mind a kiss...” I blush. His hands move to the side of my face and he leans down and kisses me softly. My knees feel weak and I sigh against his lips

“I'm sorry but this is all I'm able to give you right now” he whispers and I nod

“All I needed right now, would you stay the night though. Not for this...for sleep?” I say in to his chest

“Any time you need me. But what about we heat up that food your dad left us and then we make ourselves comfy on the couch and we watcha movie or something. Or just talk?”

We eat, then I feel how very tired this day has made me so we opt for my bed instead of the couch. We crawl down under the covers and I once again lay there, head on Steve's chest listening to his heartbeat, feeling safe.

“So what have the doctors said about Max really?” I ask

“Well, she might wake up. They don't know. She responds to what they call stimuli, I guess that means she's still in there. So that apparently gives hope. But it might just go the other way to, if she stops responding then her brain has shut down and then they can't do anything more for her. We're all hoping Eleven's gonna find her and get her to come out of hiding”

“Can you explain that to me? I don't get...that part” I say. I remember when I met them all in Eddie's trailer the last time I saw him. They told me Eleven was like some superhero girl with awesome powers. I didn't fully understand then and I understand even less now

“Eleven is... special you know that right, he told you didn't he?” I nod “Ok, well so she can go in to I guess some kind of in-between and find people's minds. Like find them where ever they are, she found Will when he was lost in the Upside down 4 years ago. But when she tries to find Max now...it's just darkness. She can feel her but not see her. That's why she says it's like she's hiding herself. She tries for like 10 minutes every day. But then she needs to rest. It apparently takes a lot out of her finding people like that. She won't give up, she's been at her side every day for 4 months now and she'll be there every day until she either finds her or we lose her.” Steve explains, my mind is working frantically. Steve looks at me “No she wouldn't look for him, we asked. She didn't want to see it. Apparently when she looks for people that passed she only finds their dead bodies and that is too much for her. She would find him like he is at that moment, and God knows what she would find. We didn't want to ask her again, please respect that” he says, like he read my mind

“I'm sorry... I just...” I start to cry

“I get it sweetheart, I get it. We all wanted to but we had to respect her, Dustin was pestering her a bit at the beginning. But Mike had a conversation with him and he backed off.”

“Do you ever think about trying to get back there and retrieve his body? Give him the funeral he deserves?” I sob

“We did have a funeral sweetheart, don't you remember? It was beautiful”

“We did? I was there?” I have NO recollection of this

“Yes, you held my hand so tight I thought it might fall off. I had to hold you when they lowered the coffin in to the ground. I was afraid you'd fall in with it” he hugs me tight

“I... I can't remember” I cry even harder now

“Sweetie, no one can blame you. It was just weeks after. You we're barely responsive at all back then. Me and Martin carried you in to the service and we carried you out again. We just thought you needed to be there even if we weren't sure you were there with us mentally”

“So he has a grave? I can go see him?” I say between sobs

“Yes he does, I'll take you there as soon as you have a stronger day again. Ok, just let me know when you feel you have the energy to deal with it and I'll take you there” he says softly

“Thank you, but what about... what was in the coffin?” I don't wan to think about it but my mind can't let it go

“Photos of him, his leather jacket and his Hellfire shirt. And we all wrote him a letter and dropped it in there to” he says and I hear he's tearing up

“I'm sorry Steve I didn't want to drag you down with me” I sob

“Sweetheart, I liked him too you know. We became good friends before the end. I miss him a lot, he was a good guy. And apparently a really good confidant to you...”

“What do you mean?” I sniffle

“Well... when we were out to get supplies we stole this RV from the trailer park”

“That was YOU driving that thing through town!” I say

“You saw us?” he chuckles a little “well anyway as he was hot-wiring it Robin said something a long the lines of her not loving the idea of him driving. He looked at her and he said, and I quote 'Oh I'm just starting the sucker, Harrington's got her, don't ya big-boy' no one but you have ever called me that” he winks at me and I do have to blush

“Yeah... he was a nosy one. Needed all the dirt” I say smiling at the memory of Eddie sitting on this bed bouncing waiting for me to tell him how my night with Steve had been. “I'm sorry I told him that part” I say smiling up at him

“Hey, I loved it when you called me that. I didn't mind if he knew. We talked about you, him and me. I think that's where we really bonded” he says and he kisses the top of my head.

I'm so tired I'm feeling dizzy, I lay my head down on Steve's chest again and I fall asleep.

I dream that night. But it's a weird dream. I dream of Eddies funeral, I dream of the songs they played, who was there, what was said. I dream about people waiting outside to call him a freak and a murderer. I wake up while it's still dark outside. I have to ask Steve about some of these details, maybe I just relived something my mind couldn't handle at the time it really happened. I look up at Steve, he's sound asleep arms still around me. He's growing on me... I think to myself, I don't want him to. But I can't help it I am falling for him, or well I fell a long time ago. Eddie knew it, I was just in denial. “Damn you Munson” I mutter under my breath, always knowing me better than I knew myself. I lay back down and I actually fall back to sleep hugging Steve.

I'm woken up by dads voice in the morning. I stretch and I feel that the bed is empty and I feel that surge of panic in the pit of my stomach. I look at dad

“He had to go to work honey. It's Monday you know. He promised to be back tonight if you wanted him to. You want something to eat?” he smiles at me

“I... can I think about it? I don't feel hungry right now. I need the bathroom and then I'll come down stairs” I say and he nods

“Of course honey, you come down when you feel like it. I'm working from home today since I had to be there all night on a Sunday” he walks out and I hear him head down the stairs. I sit up on the edge of the bed, it's so painful being alone again. I didn't think I'd ever cherish someone's presence like this after Eddie. But I need Steve, I need him to be here with me. I try to get out of bed but my legs don't want to cooperate today...

“DAD!” I cry out and I hear him come running

“What honey? Something wrong?” he looks worried

“My legs won't hold today... I think yesterday was too much too soon.” I cry feeling so bad he has to help me again. But he just helps me up, letting me lean on him in to the bathroom.

“Ok sweetheart, call for me when you're done and I'll help you dress ok?” he says

“I think I wanna stay in bed again dad” my tears falling again

“Whatever you need honey, I'm just happy to have you talk to me again. Anything else is just a bonus.” he closes the door and I do what I needed to come in here for then I call for him to help me back to bed.

“Dad, could you please close the blinds. I can't with the sun today” I whisper

“Sure honey, you rest. I'll be up with something to eat in a bit.” he kisses my forehead and leaves

The rest of the day is darkness again, relentless darkness threatening to take over. My mind can't deal so it shut me off. I hear dad, but for some reason my voice gets caught in my throat and I can once again only nod or shake my head. It seems apparent I need Steve around.

“Ok, sweetheart. I won't bother you more today. I see yesterday really did wear you out. You'll be better tomorrow you'll see. You want me to tell Steve to come over when he calls?” he asks and I nod, I manage to whisper a thank you to him. I have no idea if I've slept or not. I think I was back in my shut-off mode again. But the day turns to evening and suddenly I feel someone getting in to the bed beside me holding me close

“Hey there, bad day today huh? I'm sorry I made you go yesterday, didn't think it would effect you this bad” Steve's back. I sigh

“Thank you for coming back” I whisper

“Sweetie, I told you. I'll be here as often as you need me to. Well ok I need to work but other than that. If you want me to move in here with you until you feel ok on your own I'll do that” he's stroking my back hugging me tight

“You'd do that?” I ask

“Yeah me and Martin talked about that now before I came up here. Martin thinks my presence calms you. You've slept with me here, you didn't before. It was him asking me if I would do it if you wanted me to.”

I think about if, having Steve here all the time when he's not working. Did I want that? The honest truth was I couldn't think of a single reason that I didn't want that.

“Steve” I look up at him “would you please be here all the time? Until I feel better?” I say

“Of course I will. I'll go get some stuff at home tomorrow after work and then I'm all yours for as long as you need me” he smiles “But what is this I hear about you not eating anything all day? Could you please come down stairs and have dinner with us. You can't recover if you don't have any energy sweetheart” his voice is soft but stern at the same time

“Ok, but you'll have to help me. My legs won't hold me today” I say

“I'll carry you if I have to you know that” he smiles

“No need to strain your back there old man I can walk if I have someone to lean on”

“Oh old man huh? So there's that tease I've missed so much. I'll show you how much of an old man I am” he says and he lifts me up and puts me over his shoulder like I'm just a fucking towel he draped over himself. He carries me like this all the way to the kitchen, making me actually laugh for the first time in months. He puts me down at the kitchen table and tells me to sit. Dad looks at me

“That was the best sound I've heard in months now honey. Thank you Steve”

“No problem Martin, this one here called me an old man...needed to show her how young and spry I still am” he chuckles

“Oh God, if he's an old man sweetie what the hell does that make me?” dad laughs and I can't not laugh with him.

“Hey dad” I say as the laughter dies down “Steve's gonna be here for a while...like all the time”

“Yeah? Ok that's good honey I can tell you need him. I know you try with me but I can't fill that spot like Steve can.” he takes my hand “so dinner? I made a carbonara like your mum used to make it”

“Oh, mums carbonara” I say and I can feel that I am actually hungry “sounds amazing dad”

We have dinner, Steve tells us about the team and how he's seen lamp posts that are more coordinated than some of these kids. Dad is very amused

“Don't be mean to the uncoordinated, we do the best we can” he chuckles

“The only descent kid I have is Lucas, and he's not even fully there. He's in his own mind most of the time. Mike tried out, did I tell you?” he asks and we both shake our heads “Yeah that was probably the saddest attempt at basketball I have ever witnessed. He's doesn't have two left feet...hell if I didn't see 'em I'd sworn he has NO feet. Disaster from beginning to end” he says and dad roars with laughter

“Poor Mike” I say but I can't help but giggle

When dinner is over Steve helps me in to the living room. He turns on the TV for me as he goes back to help dad clean up. The news is on

“We're live from the sleepy town of Hawkins, Indiana. Where only a few months ago disaster struck. An earthquake demolished this small town, leaving it almost entirely in ruins. But now 4 months down the road the town is back. Rebuilt and coming back from the horrors leading up to disaster. The weeks before the earthquake this small town was shaken to it's core as three high school students were brutally murdered. Chrissy Cunningham, Fred Benson and Patrick McKinney all slaughtered viciously by an unknown attacker. At first thought to be the work of a fellow student Edward Munson” and the they showed his picture, plastered all over the TV. I can't hear anything else I just whimper when I'm face to face with him. Even if it's just his picture. I feel like I'm falling, falling into an abyss of darkness. I hear dad and Steve, like they're miles away but still close

“What happened sweetheart? Hey honey? Emma?” I feel him shake me, but it doesn't feel real somehow

“Fuck... Martin look at the TV”

“Oh no... I knew they were shooting some kind of special they called me and asked me if I would say a few words about Eddie. I told them to fuck off”

“Here let me take her upstairs” I feel I'm being lifted off the couch and carried to my bed. Then nothing else, just darkness again.

I come to, the veils in my mind lift as suddenly as they fell. I feel better, more awake. This is when I realize Steve's arms around me. He's spooning me close and I can feel he's been dreaming. The pit of my stomach does a flip. Even in the state I'm in my body has a mind of it's own. I want him, I really do. I move a little, I just want to feel it against me. I hear from his breathing Steve's waking up. He presses his hard-on against my ass, his hands grip my tits. My breathing is getting heavier. Fuck I want this, I want him THAT close to me. I start grinding my ass against his dick feeling it getting even harder. Steve moans then I hear a gasp, he moves away from me

“Sorry... I need to...ehmmm... pee” he says and gets up and goes in to the bathroom. He's gone about 5 minutes. That pit in my stomach...yeah it falls out through my feet, down through the floor and doesn't stop until it fucking hits dirt under the house. So ok, I've become undesirable to him now? That's just great, I fall for him and he loses interest. Just like I thought it would be, “didn't I fucking tell you Munson?” I mutter out into the empty room.

“Did you say something?” Steve's back and he gets in tot he bed again.

“Nah, nothing important” I mumble

“You're feeling better?” he hugs me and I just want to tell him to fuck off but at the same time I know I need him.

“Well... I don't know how I'm feeling right this instant. I mean he was on the fucking TV last night Steve.”

“Ehmmm... Sweetheart that was a week ago, it's Sunday” I hear him say, I turn to him staring in to his eyes. He's got to be kidding?

“A week? I've been...shut off again for a week?” Steve just nods at me with a sad smile

“I've been here as soon as I got off from work, your dad's been taking time off to be here during the day. This was almost worse than before, we haven't even gotten you out of bed this time. I've carried you to the bathroom every evening and given you a bath. We've tried to get you to take fluids at least. Sweetheart I need you to talk to me, talk to someone this can't go on.” he's crying now

He's been giving me a bath every evening? No wonder he's put off by me... That would kill any flame that might have been flickering in him. I hang my head, I know he's right. I need to try to get through this. I will see his photo again, I will hear his name. I can't keep shutting down every time. It will kill me and I can't do that to dad, I just can't.

“Ok... I'll talk to someone. Not the ass that was here before though...find me someone else please” I say and Steve smiles through his tears.

“I'll find you as many people as I can until you find the right one. I promise” he pulls me in close to his chest and I draw a deep breath taking in the scent that is Steve. God this is so bad but yet feels so good. So a long as I keep it friendly I get to have him close. I'll learn to live with it, I've done it before. The one sided love is my thing...

“What time is it?”

“It's 10 am, why?” he says stroking my back

“I want to visit him”

“Are you sure that's a good idea, I mean this close to an...episode?” he's worried and I get that

“I don't think there will ever be a good time Steve, please”

“Fine...” he sighs “We'll get you up and in some clothes, get something to eat and then we''ll see how you feel. Ok?”

“Steve?”

“Yeah?” he says

“You really are the greatest you know that right? I know I haven't said it much and I sure don't show it but I do think you are” I look at him as he helps me get up in to a sitting position on the edge of the bed

“I... thank you Em. I would do anything for you, anything to make you feel better” he leans in and gives me a soft kiss. I want to cry, why does he have to do this. I know he didn't use the bathroom to pee before... it took too long. He was...helping himself deal with the situation in his pants. The thing he apparently doesn't want me to do for him. I draw a deep breath and I pull away from him

“Ok so clothes please” he looks like I hurt his feelings but he says nothing

“Sweats and a t-shirt ok?” he asks and I nod

“Comfy is the key here Steve” I say and he has to give me a quick smile. He helps me get dressed and get me down to the kitchen. “Where's dad?” I ask

“I think he had to go in to the office today, seeing as I'm here now and he can leave” Steve says as he makes me a sandwich and a cup of tea. I eat half the sandwich promising Steve to finish it when we get back. He gets me my jacket and my shoes and we go out to the car. It's a short drive from our house to the cemetery. Steve helps me out of the car and we walk towards the newer graves in the area. I see it before he can point it out. Someone's scribbled “FREAK” on the back of it with red paint.

“Still?” I say my voice a low growl

“Yeah... Some people will never change. We removed it in the beginning, now we just leave it.” he says and sighs

We round the headstone and I read

Here lies

EDDIE MUNSON

Beloved friend and son

*1966 +1986

Graduated with honour

I stare at the words as tears start falling quietly down my face

“Steve, could you please leave me for a while. I'll wave for you when you can come back?”

“Of course” he says puts a hand on the stone and I hear him whisper “I told you I'd get her to come visit man” then he walks over to a bench a bit away from me leaving me in front of Eddies grave. I manage to sit down on the ground in front of the stone. I put my hand on it

“Hey Ed, sorry it took so long. But you leaving me like that fucked me up, like real bad. I miss you so much sometimes I shut down. I've had one of those weeks now. Been completely out. No contact. Why the hell did you have to be a hero huh? I told you to not try and be one... but you never did listen to me did you? Feels so weird sitting here talking to you like this, I mean I know you're not down there. You're stuck in some alternate reality, probably waiting for someone to find you and bring you home. I'm going to try Ed, I promise. I think I can get Dustin to help, he looked like he thought of the same thing. We're going to find you Ed, find you and give you your actual final resting place, not that crappy piece of dirt in front of that trailer where Dustin had to leave you. I promise!

Then there's Steve... I know I told you I wouldn't, but I did fall for him. Just like you said I would if I gave him a chance, but I was right to you know. I fell for him and now he has no interest in me any more. Guess I finally won an argument with you freak. Fucking hell man, I miss your voice and your smile. There's this ache inside of me all the time. I saw you on the news a week ago, that's what triggered me shutting down. Steve thinks I need to talk to someone about you, but you know what. This, sitting here talking to you makes me feel better. Maybe you can be my therapist? I'll come here once a week and spill my mind to you? I know for a fact you won't tell anyone...” I sit there talking to him like he's still with me, pouring my heart out to a headstone in a cemetery. When I feel like I have nothing more to tell Eddie I turn and I wave to Steve. He comes up to me

“You feel ok? You've been sitting here touching his stone for quite a while now” he sounds so concerned

“You know what Steve, I needed this. I've been talking to him, telling him all the things that's been going on. I feel better Steve. I promise I do. Thank you for agreeing to take me here. Please help me up” I say and I hold out my hand. Steve takes it and carefully helps me to my feet. I wrap my arms around him and I kiss him. His fucking feelings be damned I think. At first he's just tense like a string on a guitar, then he relaxes and I actually feel him kissing me back. His hand sliding up my back to my neck. It's a long kiss and as we finally pull apart I whisper “well...if Eddie's somewhere looking down right now you better believe the fucker's cheering” Steve chuckles

“I bet... If that's what I get for taking you here I think we need to go at least once a day” he smirks. He takes my hand “you ready to leave, it's getting a bit chilly” I nod. As we walk past the stone he places a hand on it “see you later man, I'll be back. Like always” he fist bumps the stone and we walk to the car

“As always?”

“I stop by every day... Telling him how you're doing” he looks at me and my heart fills to the brim with undeniable love for this man

“I... you do that? Why?” I want to tell him right now how I feel, but I can't bring myself to ruin this

“Well... you haven't been able to. Someone needs to keep him in the loop, he loved you you know. Very much and he'd want to know how you're doing”

“I loved him I mean I still do, I think maybe a little too much even. Steve... I...”

“It's ok, he was my friend too you know. I never thought I'd like Munson, he was so different from me. But he was the sweetest soul I think I've ever met. The way his eyes lit up when he talked about you, sometimes it sounded like a sales pitch” he chuckles “and sometimes just the purest love”

“Don't you ever want to go back and try to find him and bring him home?” I need to ask

“Go back there? I mean for him, if I knew we could find him, and that there was anything to actually bring home. Maybe I might... But I don't think there is a way back now we killed Vecna. There's been no sign of the upside down since then, and Will's always been hyper sensitive to anything coming out of there. But since that day nothing, not even a tingle he says” Steve looks at me “NO! No fucking way Em, I can see what you're thinking. We're NOT trying to find a way in, especially not you in this state, you'd be the first to perish in there if something's still around” he stares me down

“Fine, I wouldn't know where to even begin looking so... I just can't deal with the thought of him all alone there.” I tear up Steve takes me in his arms

“I know sweetheart, I get that none of us want to think of that. But he isn't alone really. All the other's Vecna took are in there with him. Max saw them all. I know that's no comfort, not even a little bit. But still his body isn't the only one buried in there” Steve hugs me tight

“You suck at this” I smirk “but I didn't know that. It makes him seem a little less alone. Can we go home now? Get in to bed and hug for a bit?” I say

“Of course we can. You really do seem like you feel better Em. I didn't think talking to Eddie this way would do you any good. I'm sorry” he opens the car door for me and I get in, he walks around the car getting in the drivers seat

“Yeah, I didn't think talking to that stone would make any difference either. But... I felt like he was there listening to me. Sounds delusional I know but hey...if it helps right?” I say

“Absolutely, anything helping you I'm all for. Even if it's driving you to the cemetery to talk to a grave once a week or once a day. I'm here for you” he takes my hand and gives it a kiss as he drives us back home again. At this moment I feel like I could tell him and maybe, just maybe he'd feel the same. Then I think of this morning and my mind goes full stop, no point telling him he'd just walk away. Keep him close as a friend and love him regardless.

We snuggle down in bed after Steve gets me to eat the other half of the sandwich like I promised. He wraps his arms around me and I nuzzle into his chest. I drift off almost immediately, dreaming of the funeral again. I see myself writing on a piece of paper

“You LIED to me you fucking asshole. You said you'd be back. I HATE YOU!” and then I see myself throwing that piece of paper in the coffin alongside a whole bunch of similar papers. I wake up to my own sobs Steve worried sick trying to wake me up

“Emma, God what's wrong? What happened, we dozed off and I wake up to find you like this?”

“Steve... Did I write a letter to Eddie and put in his coffin? DID I?” I raise my voice in the end

“Yes, we didn't think you'd be able to or if you even took in what we asked you. But you scribbled something on a piece of paper and put it in. Why?”

“Did they play 'Master of puppets' at the service? Was his dad allowed time from jail so he could attend?” I ask

“Yeah... you remember the funeral?” he sounds confused

“I didn't before... I dreamt of it after you told me that it happened. Like my brain kept it from me until it felt safe to remember it. I know what I wrote Steve and I feel fucking awful” I cry again

“What sweetie, what did you write?” he's rubbing my arms kissing my head repeatedly

“I wrote that he lied to me, that he was an asshole and that I hated him... Steve I don't hate him how could I write that?” I sob

“You were so angry in the beginning. You don't remember? You had your calm days where all you did was strum on the guitar and look out the window. Other days you destroyed anything in your path. Haven't you noticed the mirror in here is gone, and all your breakable things?” I look around and I realize he's right

“I...broke them?” I ask

“Yeah... you threw them at me, at your dad, at Nancy, Dustin anyone daring to even try to mention his name. We thought for sure you'd trash the funeral home at the service. But you just shut off and barley existed during that whole time. That's why we were surprised you tried to write anything at all to him”

“How did you all tolerate me? How are you all even still around? How can you be...this good to me if I was like that to you?”

“Eddie wasn't the only one who loved you and calls you their friend Emma. We're all still around because we care about you. We even had Eleven try to get through to you once but you told her to fuck off and she didn't dare try again” he chuckles

“I did that? She was in my head and I told her to fuck off... oh my god I need to apologize to her. I like her... I didn't mean to” I feel like I'm about to panic, this is too much. I thought I was just...existing not doing anything. Seems I was wrong, it makes it so much more obvious why Steve wouldn't want anything to do with me like that any more. “I must have been a grade A bitch to you all?”

“Well... sometimes yeah. But you never insulted us at least. Probably because you never ever said a word to anyone. You just stared us down and threw things at us” he gives me a smile

“I can never take it back, and I can never make it right. But I am so sorry Steve. More than you'll ever know”

“Sweetheart, you were in so much pain, none of us could ever understand how much really. I didn't take it as an attack on me, I took it as a way to deal with the pain. I'm still here aren't I? If I took it to heart I'd be long gone, I think we all would.” he kisses my forehead and looks me deep in the eyes “I promise you I am not hurt ok?” then he kisses me for real, a deep emotional kiss “OK?”

“Ok... I believe you. But I still want to apologize to the rest of them” I say with a small voice

“Sure, we can go see Max if you want? I bet the majority of them are there. It's still kind of early. The visiting hours aren't over until 7.” Steve looks at me

“I would like that. Do I need to change maybe?” I say and Steve gives a small laugh

“Well considering you have some of the Hawkins cemetery plastered to your ass I'd say it's up to you”

“I what?” I pull my sweats off turning them over. On the ass I have a big dirt stain from sitting on the ground for 30 minutes talking to Eddie. “Aha... well ok then new pants it is” I say and I crawl over Steve making me straddle him for a second. I hear him moan and whisper under his breath

“Em... please what are you doing?” his hands have stopped me moving away by grabbing a hold on my hips pulling me in close to him.

“I was getting out of bed Steve... what are you doing?” I feel breathless

“I... I don't know...”

“Then don't think, just do Steve...” I whisper and I kiss him. His hands move on their own now, grabbing my ass pressing me in to his jeans. I moan and I sit up pulling my shirt over my head freeing my tits “please Steve... touch me” I whimper

“You sure? I mean... I don't want to make you feel bad in any way”

“Steve...we've done this before there's no way you can make me feel bad” he grabs my waist and spins me around on the bed so I end up on my back. He's all over me kissing me touching me. With almost a desperate side to him. His kisses trail down my body until they reach my inner thighs, then he sits up slightly grabs the waistband of my panties and rips them apart. I gasp, so forceful? He looks down at me

“So god damn perfect...” he growls and he plunges his face in between my thighs letting his tongue slide from my entrance all the way up my folds to my clit. He licks and sucks so desperately. Like he thinks he's never going to get the chance again. I feel him slide a finger in me finding the soft spongy part inside of me that makes my world spin.

“Fuck Steve... I'ma cum...” I groan, fuck I forgot how good this feels, how good he is at this. He hums his approval at my clit making such awesome vibrations sending me straight over the edge. I scream as the orgasm hits me like ton of bricks. As I'm panting trying to get my head back on straight Steve undresses faster than my brain can register. He's SO ready to go, pumping his massive dick with his hand

“I don't have a rubber Em... can I come on your tits?” he purrs at me

“Right now?” I ask feeling a little snubbed

“No... need to fuck you first” he murmurs staring at my pussy

“Then come on my tits all you want” I say and I raise my legs and put them on his shoulders. He lets out a deep growl as he positions the tip of his cock at my entrance and slides in through the wetness.

“Fuuuuuck Em, I've been dreaming of this ever since last time” he makes long deep thrusts after staying still for a moment letting me adjust to his size

“What the hell took you so long getting back in there then” I pant

“I'm a fucking moron” he growls as he picks up the pace holding my legs high kissing my ankles as he fucks me “fuuuuck close now...wanna sit up for me” he groans and pulls out rapidly. I let my legs fall to his sides and I sit up pressing my tits up against his balls. He moans a deep coarse sound as he paints my chest with his warm seed. Squirt after squirt hits my tits and I just stare at this amazingly handsome man towering over me dick in hand making the most delicious sounds ever. As he descends from his high he looks down at me

“Hey...” he smiles a warm smile at me

“Well hey yourself” I say as I drop my tits down to their natural place. “Cum here often?” I giggle

“Not as often as I would have liked to” he says leans down and kisses me. “Shower? Then hospital?” he mumbles into the kiss

“Well... I don't think I should go there trying to apologize covered in your cum. Might give the wrong impression” I smile

“Very true, so go a head ladies first” he says

“I think the ladies legs might need a minute, so you go first and I'll try to wake myself up so I don't fall over” I say and he nods and gets out of bed. I feel... happy... haven't felt that feeling in a long time. Granted it's “just” an orgasm happy but still, small wins I think. Steve comes out of the shower, looking like a million bucks only wearing towel around his waist.

“How are the legs? Up for the challenge or do you need help?” he holds out his hand. I take it and stand up, feeling a little wobbly but not too bad. He eyes my naked body “wow” he sighs “sorry 'bout the panties” he smiles

“No worries, I have more than one pair. Don't do it every time though then I might need to start shopping” I giggle and he turns quiet and serious

“Not sure this was a good idea Em... I mean I really liked don't get me wrong but”

“Sure... I get it. Occasional hook-up, don't mention it. I take back that joke, apparently not appropriate” I say and head in to the bathroom locking the door behind me. I step in to the shower and I let the warm water wash away the shame and the tears burning a hole on the inside. When will I ever learn? I get out, feeling somewhat better. I look in the mirror... Get a fucking grip you knew this was coming, you knew it a year ago. Don't be a fool. I lecture my reflection and I curse Eddie for putting ideas in my head about Steve maybe liking me back. I look up at the ceiling “See you freak... I was fucking right all along” I take a deep breath and I unlock the door. Steve's gone, I hear him down in the kitchen. Probably heating up some food for us before we leave for the hospital. I get dressed, and I try to make my way down on my own. I get halfway down the stairs and I have to sit down. The room is spinning. I sit there when Steve comes out probably to check if I'm done in the shower

“What the hell Em, you should have called for me. You ok?” he hurries up to me

“Yeah I'm fine, besides I might need to learn to do this on my own at some point right? You're not gonna be around forever” I can hear my voice sounding a bit more frosty than I meant it to.

“Oh... Well I guess not. But I am here now you know” he takes my hand and it feels like it's burning my skin. I can't help my reaction I flinch slightly as he touches me. His eyes look sad and he takes a deep breath “Ok, up” he says to me and helps me to my feet “I've made some food. Thought we might need some energy before heading out again” he glances over at my face and I nod

“You're probably right. Thanks” I say. We eat in silence, I don't know what to say to him that's not going to trigger another bad or weird reaction. I thank him for dinner and I go to get my shoes and jacket on as he clears the plates. We head over to the hospital, also in silence. We get there and this time there's more of them here. I see Eleven first thing as I enter. I go straight up to her and give her a long hug

“I'm so sorry El, I never meant to say that to you. Not in my mind or any other time” she smiles at me

“I know that Emma... But you're a scary girl when you're angry and I've blown up Vecna” she giggles I smile at her then I turn to the rest of them

“I want to apologize to all of you. Steve told me I was...angry in the beginning. I had no idea. I think my mind has hidden things from me it doesn't think I need to deal with just yet. Just trust me when I say I didn't mean any of the angry looks or the throwing things at you”

“We know Em, we know. Anger is a part of it, you don't think I've been furious with myself for letting him go alone? I've been drowning in self loathing, but it doesn't change a thing. He's not coming back and there is no good in hating myself, he made his decision. He was fully intent on coming back to you I know that. He just... wanted to help them” Dustin motions towards Steve, Robin and Nancy who are huddled in the corner watching me

“I went to see his grave... It's beautiful, I talked to him. Made me feel better, I got to tell him off for leaving me. Thank you for not giving up on me... on us” I look over at Max “for not giving up on us” I hug Dustin and I whisper in his ear “meet me tomorrow at the cemetery please” He hugs me back and I feel him give a little nod.

I sit there next to Max's bed talking to her for a while, telling her about the conversation I had with Eddie. I know all the others are listening to me but I don't care. I'm talking to Max, not them. As I get up to leave I feel the whole room spin and I pass out.

When I come back again there's full chaos. They're all trying to help, there's a nurse and a doctor hovering over me. I'm lifted up by Steve and put on a bed that's been rolled in to the room. Everyone is talking over each other. I try to take Steve's hand, he looks down at me tears in his eyes

“Hey...you're awake...”

“Can you...make them quieter?” I whisper

“HEY!” the room falls quiet “she's awake. Keep it down please” he says in a low voice

The doctor looks at me

“Ms Lundberg, I'm Doctor Williams. Can I ask you, has the room been spinning lately? You feel like you might pass out?”

I nod “Yeah, a couple of times.” I admit

“Well, your blood pressure is dangerously low. And your blood sugar levels are also lower than I would like to see. You need to start getting out moving your body on a more regular basis. And you need to start eating, proper meals. Begin with maybe 5 or 6 small meals throughout the day. This isn't good for your recovery. Your friends have told me about the resent struggles in your life.” he says “I would like to give you the number of a friend of mine that's a good therapist, specializing in trauma. Also I will be filling a prescription for a low dose anti anxiety medication, it might help getting you out of bed and moving around more. Take short walks around the house. Are you ok with this Ms Lundberg?”

“Ehm, yes sir I am. Thank you” I say, not knowing what else to say. He seems friendly and willing to help me. I need, if not for anything else but for dad, try to accept help given to me. I know this and somewhere inside of me Eddie's voice is telling me to get his weirdo back in shape. Steve's standing next to me holding my hand listening to the doctor, nodding along to the information.

“Maybe you can get your boyfriend here to help you take one longer walk a week” the doctor says looking at Steve

“I'm not...” “He's not” we say in chorus

“Oh, I'm sorry. You just seemed so close” the doctor gives us an apologetic smile

“It's ok doc. It's just not the case” Steve says without so much as a look at me and my heart drops. He can't be making things any more clear can he? I make up my mind here and now. I need to talk to Dustin tomorrow and get the ball rolling. The doctor gives me some further instructions, tells me that I can get my prescription by tomorrow morning, then him and the nurse leaves.

“Can you drive me home now Steve?” I say

“Of course Em.” he smiles at me “I'll go get the car closer to the entrance then I'll be back to get you , ok?”

“Sounds like a good idea.” I smile back at him but the smile isn't reaching my eyes I can tell by the way Robin and Nancy look at me. I sit up in the bed and I look at Steve's back as he leaves. The two girls come up to me and sit down on either side of me

“Ok, what is this? Something's happening with the two of you. C'mon spill” Robin says

“I...” I contemplate lying to them just to be left alone, then I change my mind “I fucking love him ok... But like I told Eddie last year as soon as I develop feelings I become uninteresting to the other part. So now I'm...nothing to him”

“You're not nothing to him Emma, do you think he'd stay with you like he does if you were?” Nancy looks at me

“Ok, maybe not nothing. But I'm not what I want to be to him ok. I'll be fine being his friend if he could keep it friendly ALL the time. But then he goes and does that crap he did this afternoon and everything's worse again...” I sigh

“What? What did he do? Do I need to kick his ass? Because I will!” Robin says

“Nah, that sounded worse than it was. We... you know...” I blush “this afternoon after I visited Ed and before we came here. I thought that maybe... maybe I meant more to him than just a friend. But as soon as we were done he regretted it and said it was a bad idea. So, yeah... I'm fucked. In the bad way” tears threaten to spill over. I can tell the two girls are looking at each other over my head

“You sure he doesn't feel the same? Have you actually asked him Emma? Talked about this with HIM?” Nancy takes my hand

“I can't deal Nance, my mind can't handle the actual rejection ok. This afternoon threw me for a loop and almost made me spiral again. I don't wanna dig deeper into it. I just need to find a level ground with him. But then he does or says these wonderful things and my heart melts for him.” I give them a smile “Eddie did tell me I would fall in love with Steve if I gave him a chance. I hate that he was right... but then again I was right to when I told him that by the time I would love Steve he'd lose interest in me. I never won an argument with him when he lived...guess I had to wait for him to...” I can't form the word “before I could win one” Robin hugs me tight

“Don't give up on Steve, that dingus has always been slow” she giggles

“I think there are things in this he isn't sharing with you Emma. I'll do some discrete digging in this. See if I'm right in my suspicions. But I agree with Rob, don't give up on him” Nancy smiles at me

“Ok, I guess. I'm just...so broken. I can't handle this crap” I sigh and they tell me they understand. We sit there in silence until Steve gets back and helps me down to the car. He drives me home and helps me inside.

“So living room or bed?” he asks

“Been a long day Steve, I think bed” I say. He helps me up the stairs in to the bathroom where I get ready for bed. I go out and I crawl down under the covers. Fully expecting him to come join me like every night. He stands there looking at me

“Ehmmm... I need to go Em” he sighs

“What? You're not...staying with me?” my voice is barely there

“I'm sorry... I can't tonight. I'll be back tomorrow, I promise.” he looks uncomfortable where he's standing looking at the floor not me

“Steve... Do you have a date or what?” I ask not really wanting to know the answer. He just looks up at me with a sad expression on his face “Oh... Ok say no more. I'll be alright then. Have fun, close the door when you leave” I say and I turn to face the window.

“I'm... sorry” I hear him whisper then the door closes and he's gone. So fucking much for being here for me as long as I needed him I think. Feeling both angry, heartbroken and sad I start crying, heart wrenching sobs that I can't control. I feel the darkness creeping in around me, threatening to make me spiral out of reality again. NO! Hell no, I'm not going to let another guy push me in to that place. It was bad enough Eddie had to be a fucking hero and destroy me in the process. I am not going to let Steve destroy me as well. I take a deep breath and I sit up in the bed. I look around, what can I do to keep my mind occupied? I see Eddies guitar leaning against the wall. I get out of bed and I sit in my chair in front of the window and I take the guitar and I play. I play every cheesy love song I can think of and I sing. I sing to myself, I sing to Steve and I sing to Eddie. The last song I play is the one slow song I know Eddie secretly loved. “Forever Young” by Alphaville. I know he loved it because every time it came on the radio I could see him singing along to the lyrics, he'd never admit it though.

“Let's dance in style, let's dance for a while

Heaven can wait we're only watching the skies

Hoping for the best, but expecting the worst

Are you gonna drop the bomb or not?

Let us die young or let us live forever

We don't have the power, but we never say never

Sitting in a sandpit, life is a short trip

The music's for the sad man

Can you imagine when this race is won?

Turn our golden the faces into the sun

Praising our leaders, we're getting in tune

The music's played by the, the madman

Forever young

I want to be forever young

Do you really want to live forever?

Forever, and ever”

Tears falling down my face I sing and play his guitar, thinking back at all the times I teased him for knowing every word to this song

“Eddie... I Love you so much” I say out loud into the darkness outside my window. The guitar falls out of my hands and hit the floor as I cry for Eddie, I cry for Max and most of all I cry for the love I have for Steve that's never going to happen. I don't know how long I've been crying when I hear dad come in to my room, kneeling beside me

“Honey? What's wrong? What happened today?” he's stroking my back trying to get me to answer but I can't I just cry and cry. He picks me up and sits down in the chair putting me in his lap like he did when I was little, rocking me stroking my hair telling me all will be ok at some point. We sit there for I don't know how long. The crying won't stop until there are no more tears left in me I feel completely drained. Dad gets up and puts me down on my bed, pulling the covers over me. He kisses my forehead and whispers “please try to rest honey, we can talk in the morning” I manage a small nod at him then I close my eyes and drift off into a deep dreamless sleep, my body and my mind too exhausted to care if I'm alone or not.

When I wake up it's 7 am. I feel...different. Like I'm ok, or well ok-ish. Like that last night was the breaking point. I sit up and I decide that today is the day I start dealing with this shit that is life. If he can move on that easily so can I. Why love a man that won't ever love me back? I try to get out of bed, it's working today. I get to bathroom all on my own. I shower and I get dressed. I need to go shopping, this won't do. I look down at myself. Every piece of clothing I own is ill fitted these days, everything is baggy. I take a deep breath and I begin to tackle the stairs, I feel like such a rock star when I manage to get downstairs without having to call for help. Dad's in the kitchen reading the newspaper, he looks up when I enter

“Honey? Did you get ready and get down here all on your own or has Steve come in without me noticing?” he says

“All on my very own, I don't think Steve will be here until later, if at all” I say and he looks at me confused

“What? I thought he came back after I went to sleep... He said he had to go home for a bit before I came up to your room last night” dad says and now I'm the one confused

“He left long before that dad” I say

“No, we sat on the stairs listening to you sing up there. Then when you stopped and...well told Eddie you love him, that's when Steve said he needed to go home but that he'd be back” I came up maybe 10 minutes later

“But I was singing for like what an hour? It was like 30 minutes from him leaving until I began singing. You mean to tell me he sat on the stairs... all that time?” my mind isn't getting this

“Well I guess, I came home maybe 10 minutes before we heard you start to sing. He was still here then at least. Why...what happened sweetheart?” dad says

“Did he tell you what happened at the hospital?”

“Yes he did, good that it happened there and not anywhere else. I mean not good...you know. So? Are you going to call that therapist or?” dad looks at me

“Yeah I actually think I will. I promised Steve I'd talk to someone, so I guess I'll begin by giving this one a go first” I say and I feel I mean it. I am going to call

“That's good sweetheart, but talking of Steve...honey...”

“I don't know dad. I thought he might feel about me the way I feel about him... but no he doesn't. He had a date last night...or so he told me. That's what happened last night. It all came crumbling down. But that crying dad, it... helped. I feel more sane and put together today than I have since before Eddie died” this was the first time I said the word out loud and it didn't make me sick to my stomach uttering them. Dad knows this and he looks at me waiting for the break

“I'm ok dad, he died...and I need to be able to say that and accept it. Step one is to call that therapist. But first I also needed to start eating the doc told me. 5 or 6 small meals a day. But real food not like sandwiches and things like that. So... does oatmeal count as food you think? I actually feel like eating that”

Dad is just staring at me, I get it. The difference between yesterday and today is so apparent a blind person could see it.

“Yeah I mean oatmeal is most likely considered food. At least a breakfast food. I can make you some if you'd like?” dad says

“Thanks that would be great, I'm going to find the note with the telephone number on it and make that call before I change my mind” I say and I go look for my jacket. I find the card with the number on it and I head in to dads office to have some privacy. I dial the number

“This is Doctor Carter” a very warm female voice answers

“Hello, my name is Emma Lundberg. I got this number yesterday from Doctor Williams at Hawkins memorial. I had a bit of an incident there yesterday and he thought I might want to talk to you” I say thinking this is the only way I could explain it

“Yes, hello Emma. He did call me yesterday telling me he met you. He gave me a short backstory to see if I thought I might be able to help. But that is not the way I would put it, I would like to know if YOU think coming to talk to me would help you” she's already 100 times better than the ass they sent here before.

“I think I am ready to try and accept help yes.” I say

“That sounds good Emma, I like that you put it that way. I have an appointment available tomorrow at 2, would that work for you? Better start as soon as possible I say” she sounds very calm and friendly

“Tomorrow at 2? Ok, that works for me. What's the address?” she tells me where to go and we hang up. I get back to the kitchen dad's setting the table for us

“Mind if I eat with you? I'm heading in to the office in about 20 minutes.” he says as he serves the oatmeal he made in a small bowl for me

“Sure dad, of course why would you need to ask?” I smile “So I have an appointment with doctor Carter tomorrow at 2. I'll see if Nancy might be able to drive me, I think she said she only has work until 1 on Tuesdays.” I tell dad and he smiles

“Wow that was fast, so how did he or she sound?”

“She... she sounded calm and friendly. Understanding, I think she might be a good pick” I say as I eat

“Amazing sweetheart! Well if Nancy can't drive you then I can take a late lunch and come home to drive you there if someone might be able to come pick you up when you're done. You can tell me tonight what arrangements you make. But sorry I have to leave now, I'll deal with cleaning up when I get home. Just remember to eat more today. Steve told me about the food thing last night so I made 4 smaller containers with food that are in the fridge for you to heat up during the day. Then we'll have dinner when I get home tonight. Sound ok?” he kisses my cheek

“Awesome dad, thank you” I say. Dad leaves and I sit there thinking for a while. Then I get up from the table and I clean up after us. Why would he have to do that when he gets home, I can do it. So what else was there? I think. Small walks around the house, use my body more. I put my shoes on and I take my jacket. I know the doctor might have meant me walking inside, like around the living room but I want fresh air. I make it two times around the house before I feel I need to sit down for a bit. It's sunny and quite warm out today so I sit down on the stairs looking out over the street. So much time has passed but it still feels like no time passed. I'm just waiting to hear that god-awful sound Eddies beat up old van made as he took the last bend in the road up here. I laugh, fuck I hated that van, but he loved it. If I knew I could make it I would walk to the cemetery to talk to him. I feel like I'm about to cry, but I think I ran out of tears all I can manage is a dry sob. I look up at the sun.

“Yeah... If I knew where that old hunk of junk was now I'd buy it and get that damn license so I could fix her up and keep the spirit going Ed” I say up to the clouds. I hear a car honk and I look out in to the street. I see a car pull in, I don't recognise it. But I do know the guy in it!

“Gareth! Oh my god HI!” I get up from the stairs and head over to the car. He gets out and we hug “How are you man? How's school?”

“Hey Em, schools...empty without you guys” he says

“Yeah I always was the light of that place wasn't I?” I smile “You wanna come in? I've just been out for a walk”

“Nah, I was heading back to school and I saw you. Thought I'd stop and say hello. Maybe some other day?” he says and I have an idea

“Could I get a ride to the cemetery please? I was just sitting here thinking I'd like to go see Eddie... But I can't really walk that far yet” I say, I assume everyone knows how bad off I'd been

“Yeah... sure. I was there yesterday, I tell him my ideas for campaigns.” he gives me a sad smile

“I bet he loves that wherever he is. He probably as a lot of opinions too” I smile back at him

“Probably” he chuckles

“I'll just get my keys and I need to leave a note. Be right back” I say and I head inside. I write a note and leave on the table right as you enter.

“Hey, got a ride with Gareth to see Ed, please come pick me up -Em”

I know Steve might check in on me at lunch. That's like 2,5 hours from now. Otherwise I'll just ask someone I see at the cemetery for a ride home. I lock the door and join Gareth in the car.

“Thanks for this man, I need to sort out my own license. But you know...been a bit off lately” I say

“Yeah...we've all heard. We're so sorry Em, you feeling better now or is it like a day by day thing?” he asks as we drive off

“I feel better actually. I think I hit a breaking point yesterday evening. Woke up today and decided that I need to start dealing with this shitty existence. Me being crappy isn't helping anyone. So... Hellfire still up and running then I guess? Since you said to talk to Ed about campaigns.” I look at him

“Yeah... We're still going...well not strong but we're ok. If you feel like it we still play in the same place every Thursday at 6.” he says

“You know what Gareth, I think I might actually join you some time. I miss you guys” when I say it I feel that it's true. I do miss Hellfire and I do miss the guys in it. “So who's in it besides you? I guess Mike, Dustin and Lucas are still in?”

“Yeah, I took dm when you guys...weren't around any more. So it's us 4 then Will joined when they moved back, also Erica is a member now. Then there's this kid called Elias that Erica brought. He's decent. But we do miss you guys” he says

He stops the car at the gates to the cemetery, I get out and thank him for the ride. Promising him to come to a Hellfire game soon. I start walking the path towards Eddies grave. Someone's there already, I look at the time. But? It's a school day it can't be...

“Hey Dustin, why aren't you in school?” I say as I get there

“Oh, hey. Free period. I come here when I have 'em. Hoped I'd see you here today, since you said that thing at the hospital yesterday” he says “wanna sit?” he has a blanket on the ground and he moves over making room for me

“Thanks... Hey Ed” I say and I pet the stone in front of me

“So... am I right in thinking you wanna try to find him?” I hear Dustin say the second I sit down

“Right to the point Henderson I appreciate that. Yeah... I can't fucking stand the idea of him spending eternity stuck there. I just can't, but Steve won't help me, I'm guessing neither will Rob or Nance. So either I do this alone or...”

“Hell no, I'll help. Can't stand that I had to leave him... I owe it to him to get him out” a tear falls from his eyes

“So how do we do this? Have you got any clue if there are any gates still around?” I sit and look at the headstone with his name in bold letters

“The lake one isn't an option, neither is the one under the lab. Don't think that one even exists any more. The best thing would be if the one where the trailer park was is still around. We'd be coming in at the right spot. He...died right there” Dustin struggles getting the word out just like I did.

“Dustin... Can you tell me his last words? I've been wanting to ask but I couldn't get myself to do it” I say. Dustin's eyes fill with tears and he stares at the headstone in front of us for a minute or so before he starts talking

“I sat there holding him, he was bleeding so bad Emma. You could barely make out the words. But he said 'I didn't run away this time right?' I told him no he didn't. Then he told me I had to look after the little sheep for him. Then he said 'I think I'm actually gonna graduate, I think this is my year Henderson, it's finally my year. I love you man' then he stopped breathing” Dustin is crying now

“That's beautiful Dustin... So he died being him at least” I say

“Yeah he died smiling at me” he sobs

I sit there holding Dustin as he cries out his pain “I'm sorry I asked you to tell me...” I whisper feeling bad I made his day so much worse

“No, it's ok. I need to let it out is what mum tells me. But I want to get him Emma...he can't stay there he just can't” he looks at me

“I couldn't agree more Henderson, I couldn't agree more” I say. I look at my watch “I like sitting here with you but I think you might need to get back to school am I right?” I say

“Yeah you're right. Can I come over this weekend? We can...make plans” he asks as he gets up

“Sure, I'll be there. Wait you'll need your blanket” I say and attempt to get up

“Nah, I'll get it this weekend. You stay here with him a while” he says and walks away

I watch him go and then I turn my attention to the stone

“Hear that Ed, you're so loved. Bet you didn't expect that huh? Not bad for the resident freak. So we're coming to get you, you heard that right? I don't know when but soon I hope. I'll start taking this walking thing real serious and train more and more every day so I'll have the strength when the day comes. Can't really ask Steve or any of the other s to drive us... Sorry I'm yelling at you about Steve... But I DID tell you this would happen, fucker's gone and started dating. Yeah...so we did it again after we visited you last time. Then he was real quick with the regret...but I love him man. Can't help it... If you're around somehow...would you help me? Send me someone else to obsess about or I don't know make me forget Steve.” as I'm talking I'm stroking the cold stone “and I never ever meant what I wrote on that note you know that right? I was just so hurt you left me like this. We we're moving to Sweden together for fucks sake... Now what am I going to do? Can't bring you with me like this...” the tears I thought were all dried up start trickling down my face “Why the hell did you have to go and get yourself killed Ed? What was the point? How am I going to do any of this shit without my freak?” I hear footsteps in the gravel behind me then someone sits down next to me and puts their arm around me. I needn't look I can tell by the scent it's Steve. I take a deep breath and enjoy his smell, there's no denying it I'm screwed.

“Hey” I say

“Hey Em... Eddie man” he fist bumps the stone “saw the note, how's the talk been today?”

“Good...it's been good. He's a better listener dead...” I say and I hear Steve gasp

“Yeah...decided I need to start saying it out loud. Hit a breaking point last night. Called that therapist this morning, meeting her at 2 tomorrow. Promised Gareth I'd come join Hellfire some night. Been walking, two laps around the house.” I catch him up

“Wow, Em. That's great... What changed?” he asks and I just look at him

“Seriously Steve?”

“What?” he's silent for a second then “Oh...that...me” he looks down at his hands

“Have a good night? After you and dad took in my concert? He told me you didn't leave when you said you did... What the fuck Steve?” I'm getting angry now

“I'm so sorry, I don't know how to talk about some things with you. I...have issues of my own” he says

“Yeah, we all have issues man. But promising me to always be there if I need you and then just leave without an explanation. Really Steve? Why pester me about needing to talk when you're not going to do that yourself? I mean stop with the god damn mood swings Steve. You're giving me whiplash. Be there for me or leave me alone. If you met someone just tell me instead of telling me us fucking was a bad idea, that shit hurt bad Steve” I feel myself giving up now, the ball is in his court I'm done

“I AM here for you, just...with all you've been through now, how do I tell you stuff like that? I couldn't deal with everything that happened yesterday so I chickened out and I left you. I felt so fucking bad I stayed on the stairs trying to get the nerve to go back up to you. Then your dad came home and you began to sing. I couldn't ruin that so we listened to you and then I needed to clear my head so I went home. I'm a piece of shit for doing that when I did promise to always be there for you.”

“Well... It's up to you from now on. I have no energy left, I want you to be there with me, but I can't have you doing that to me. So what's it gonna be Steve? Are you going to talk to me when things get to be too much or are we ending this friendship right now?”

“I don't want to lose you Em, can we start over? Can we please try to find a way to talk about everything? I feel like there are things you're not telling me either” he says and I stay quiet. Do I tell him and risk him just going against everything he just said or do I set him free...

“We can try Steve. I mean I love...this friendship” I say “Ok, so... Drive me home? I guess you need to be back at work soon? Will you be back tonight or?” I say

“I'll be there, as soon as I'm off work. Here I'll help you up, hey smart move bringing a blanket this time” he says smiling at me as he takes my hand and helps me up from the ground

“Nah that's Henderson's. He was here when I arrived. He's coming over this weekend so he told me to just keep it until then” I say

“Ah, ok. How was he? I haven't seen him around school today”

“He was sad...or well I kinda made him sad” I say and I feel bad “I asked him what Eddie said to him before he died. He told me, I shouldn't have asked...I feel rotten for making him cry” I look at Steve

Steve hugs me “Don't feel bad, crying is good. But I understand you feeling bad for asking if it made him cry”

“Yeah, but I feel a little better knowing he was Eddie all the way to the end. The last thing he said to Dustin besides that he loved him was that it was finally his year. So this line right here” I point at the last thing written on the stone “this is so fitting and it makes me happy for him somehow” I say

We both say our good byes to Eddie and we leave the cemetery.

“Hey you're walking a lot better today sweetheart. Did you eat though?” Steve says as we reach the car

“I had oatmeal with dad this morning, I'm late eating lunch now. I didn't plan this trip today. I would have made a snack to bring but it slipped my mind when Gareth said he was leaving. But I have meals ready at home so I'll eat first thing I promise” I say as I get in the car

“Good girl!” Steve says and those two words send a shiver down my spine... why the hell was that so hot?

“Uhmm... thanks” I actually blush, fucking hell...why can't I act normal? Luckily as soon as he said it Steve turned around and went around the car to the drivers seat so he didn't notice me blushing over those two little words.

We head home and I do as I promised and I heat up one of the meals dad left me and I sit down in front of the TV. Steve goes back to work and I'm alone again. I watch some game show as I eat my food. I clean up after myself in the kitchen and I decide to make some tea and go out and sit on the porch again. It was nice getting fresh air. I sit there until it's starting to get chilly. I go inside again and I heat up another meal. I figured out that if I eat now there's another 3 hours until dad gets home, I'll have dinner with him then and I can eat one more of these before bed. Then I would have eaten 5 times today. “Hey Ed, high five freak” I say out loud chuckling feeling kinda good about myself.

Around five I hear a car door close and I assume it's dad coming home early but it's actually Steve.

“Oh, hey didn't think I'd see you until later” I say from the couch as he comes in the door

“Hey, I told you I'd be back when I was off work.” he sounds a little hurt

“Sorry, just thought you might have other things to do... not just keep a weirdo company. I mean I would very much appreciate if you'd be here for sleep...but I can't ask you to spend every minute here other than that. You need to have a life Steve” I say as he comes in and sits down with me

“Hey... I want to be here with you. Now shut up and come here” he holds out his arm for me to lean in against him. I take a deep breath and I move over and cuddle up against him on the couch. He smells so good it makes me want to cry. I lean in close and put my head on his chest. Instant comfort, and I fall asleep to the sound of the TV and Steve's heartbeats. I'm woken up by Steve softly shaking me

“Hey, no more nap now. You'll want to sleep tonight to” he smiles at me

“Wow... Didn't even feel that tired. How long was I out?” I ask

“Just about 30 minutes” he's very smiley

“What's so funny?” I say

“What? Nothing...you're just very cute...and you talk in your sleep by the way” he chuckles but something in his eyes makes me think he's sad

“I do not... do I?” I dread what I might have said

“You do, don't worry you were only talking about...or perhaps to Ed. You really do love him” he says

“Oh, well yeah I do. He was the best thing to ever happen to me” I say and I notice that sad look in his eyes again

“He was lucky he found you” Steve says and gets up “I need to pee and then I think it's time to make dinner. Should we surprise Martin? He's home in about 20 minutes”

“Yes let's do that! I'll go look what we can make” I say and get off the couch

“Look at you all spry again. What am I going to do with you now if I don't have carrying you around as a job any more?” he laughs as he goes in to the bathroom

“Oh I can think of something” I say under my breath as I go in to the kitchen

We decide to make chicken and rice with vegetables. Making enough so that we all get lunch in the morning as well. We laugh and talk as we cook. Like there was no weird tension between us earlier. When dad comes home we're sitting at the table, Steve winks at me and when he hears dad call

“Hey honey, you awake?” Steve calls back to him

“Welcome home sweetheart, dinner's ready” and we laugh

Dad comes in to the kitchen sees us laughing, food ready on the table and he just stares

“Wow, this is amazing. That episode last night really did make something change didn't it sweetheart. You look like a whole different person today” he kisses my head and I look over at Steve who's frowning

“Episode last night?” he says

“You haven't told him? Honey...” dad sounds surprised

“I'll tell you later, ok. Lets just eat before it gets cold” I say feeling bad for not telling Steve about my meltdown the night before

“Ok, please do” he says and I can hear he's a bit annoyed considering our conversation at the cemetery

Dinner is pleasant with good food and good conversation. Dad asks if Nancy could give me a ride and I panic

“God I forgot to call her, Gareth stopped by and I caught a ride with him to the cemetery” I explain “then I fell asleep for a little while when Steve came from work” I'll go call her now hold on. I go to the office and I sit down and call Nancy

“Wheeler residence”

“Hello Mrs Wheeler it's Emma. Is Nancy available?”

“Emma, oh sweetheart how good to hear your voice. Yes she's right here hold on”

“Hey Em, what's up” I hear Nancy say

“Hey, so did I get it right that you're off work at 1 on Tuesdays?” I ask

“Yeah, why?”

“Could I bother you for a ride tomorrow? I need to be at my new therapist's office at 2” I say

“Of course, I'll come pick you up straight from work no problem. How long is your appointment?”

“I think 1 hour” I say

“Ok then I'll run some errands and wait for you.”

“Thank you! You're the best.” I smile

“Oh I know, would you tell my boss though. Might make him pay me enough so I can move out soon” she giggles and I hear Mrs Wheeler mutter something in the background about ungrateful kids

“Yeah give me his number and I'll give him one kick-ass sales pitch” I laugh “See you tomorrow then Nance. Night”

“Night Em” we hang up and I go back to the kitchen

“So Nancy is picking me up when she's off work and then she said she'd wait for me to finish and drive me home as well” dad smiles

“She's so kind. I was having some issues getting time off to drive you myself. I would have made it work but this is much better” he says

“So what? I'm just here because I'm pretty to look at” Steve chuckles

“You work sweetie, remember the uncoordinated lamp posts?” I say and pet his arm

“Riiiight...them...” he smiles

That night was I crawl in to bed waiting for Steve to come upstairs I dread the conversation we're about to have. What am I going to tell him? That I cried my eyes out until I had no more tears for 3 hours straight because he left me... I decide I might as well tell him part of the truth at least. He comes up about 20 minutes after me, I'm almost asleep already

“Hey, move over you're hogging the bed” he says and gets in under the covers next to me

“Mmmmm...warm...sleepy” I say as he lies down behind me and wraps his arms around me and pulls me closer

“Cute girl” he whispers “but we need to talk just a little before we sleep, ok?”

“Ok...sorry... ok awake now” I shake my head

“So, don't hate me but I asked Martin what happened last night. Why did you cry so hard for 3 hours and not call me?”

“Because I cried over you leaving in the first place” I say quietly

“You...cried over me? Emma, turn around please” I turn so that I'm facing him “but why? And for the record I did not TELL you I had a date...you assumed because I didn't say anything”

“Over you, Max...Eddie... But that silence spoke louder than words Steve, I'm not saying you can't have a life. I just want to know... You said there was a lot for you to deal with yesterday, well news flash genius... it was the same for me. The fact that you so obviously regretted what we did before leaving to go see Max, well it did nothing to help an already bruised mind.”

“Regret... You think I regret us having sex?” he's staring at me

“Well... Telling me it was nice BUT and also that it was a bad idea... Steve c'mon” I say

“That wasn't regret...”

“Then what the hell was it?”

“Call it self preservation... But Emma, I don't regret it for a second. Please believe that, I just need more time before I can fully talk to you about this. Will you give me that?” I look at him, study that face that I love so deeply. He's as withdrawn as me I think. Well I can't ask him to tell me every single thought when I can't even admit my feelings to him

“Ok, I'll give you all the time you need. If you do me the same favour” I say. He looks deep into my eyes and he leans in and kisses my forehead

“Thank you” he whispers “regret having sex with you” he huffs “I'd be a fuckin idiot if that'd be true”

I smile, ok so that at least sounded true. But there is something he isn't telling me and I have a feeling it's something very important. But I just promised to give him time so I'd better hold my self to that. I turn over again and Steve puts his arm around me and pulls me in to his chest and we fall asleep.

I get woken up by Steve kissing my head

“Good luck today, I hope this therapist is good. Tell me all about it tonight, ok?”

“I hope so too, thank you Steve. Have a good one with the lamp posts” I smile at him and I stretch

“Fuck me you look so good when you do that” Steve grunts and then he leaves before I can say anything.

As I get up and take a shower my nerves start to get to me, what will today be like? How hard is this woman going to push me? What is she expecting me to tell her? These thoughts simmer in my brain until right before me and Nancy reach the therapist's office at 10 to 1.

“Ok, good luck. I'll be back here at 3. Then I'll wait if you're not done yet.” Nancy says and gives my arm a rub

“Thank you Nance... See you later”

At 3:15 I come out from the office feeling lighter in my own mind. I see Nancy's car and I go over to it and get in

“So? I'm curious, sorry” she smiles at me “wanna go grab a coffee and talk?” she asks

“Sure, that's be nice” I smile back at her

We head for one of the cafés in town. Sitting down outside, it's still quite warm outside.

“Ok, so. This woman is amazing. She listens to you as you speak, and she didn't once say that it'll get easier with time. She says grief MUST take it's own time, you can't try to hurry it. That will come back to haunt you later on. 'If it takes you 1 year or 50 years to feel ok about Eddie dying, then that is the time you needed it to take' that's what she said Nance. I am the one who has to feel when I'm ok with this no one else. But she thought it was nice that I go to his grave and talk to him, but also that I shouldn't shut you guys out. You lost him to, not just me I need to keep that in mind. So I'm sorry if I've been selfish Nance, I don't mean to be I hope you get that?” I look at her

“Sweetie, we know you don't mean to be selfish, we'd never assume anything like it. We all know the two of you had something we'd never even get close to. We all learned to love Eddie before he died. Hell, I mean even Steve liked him in the end.” she smiles

“Yeah I know he did. Did he tell you he stopped by the grave every day to talk to him?” I say and Nancy's eyebrows fly up

“He does? What for...I'm sorry but he seems the least likely”

“I know, but he says someone had to keep Eddie in the loop about how I was doing so he went over there every day and told him.”

“Wow, he's even worse off than I thought” she whispers to herself, I don't think I was meant to hear her

“What?” I say

“Nothing... Just that's so nice of him.” Nancy says smiling

We sit there for a little longer, talking about her and Jonathan now that they've moved back. And the fucking weirdest ever, Hopper being alive but captured by the Russians for almost a year. I heard this and I thought it was some kind of a dream. But no, apparently Steve had told me. My brain just kept that on the back burner also. Nancy drives me home around 4:30 and I slump down in the couch feeling like mush entered my brain. A lot of new impressions to deal with again today.

Steve comes back from work and he wants to hear all about what we'd talked about today. I tell him what I told Nancy and he says pretty much the same thing she did. That mine and Eddies love was something so much more than any of them had with Eddie. So no none thought of me as selfish. I hug him tight and thank him, he kisses me on the top of my head and mumbles “No worries sweetheart, love is a difficult thing”

We once again make dinner until dad comes home. And once again I have to tell the story of the amazing doctor Carter and her insightful thoughts. We all agree I seem to have found a good therapist. We have dinner, then we watch TV before I start yawning so bad both dad and Steve has to laugh at me

“Damn, if you didn't have ears your head would split in half” dad says with a laugh “better get to bed sweetheart before we'll have to carry you again” he pets my arm

“Yeah, I think I will. Night dad” I say then I look at Steve “You coming or leaving?”

“I'll be there soon, I wanna watch this til it ends. That ok?” he smiles at me

“Of course...why wouldn't it be” I say smiling back at him. I make my way up stairs. I decide I need a quick shower before bed, I feel a bit cold. I undress and get in the shower letting the hot water warm me up. I get out and I dry off. Not expecting Steve up just yet I go out into my bedroom butt naked to get a fresh pyjama out of the dresser. As I enter the room I feel myself getting a bit dizzy, I have skipped some of my meals today. Apparently I need to be more meticulous with that. I slump down on the floor by the dresser. There I sit when Steve comes up to go to bed

“Emma, God what happened?” he runs over and lifts me off the floor

“Just...dizzy. Been neglecting my meals today. Apparently a bad idea” I say and I blush

“Oh, sorry but, thank god it wasn't anything worse.” he says. We're just standing there. Him with me in his arms and me with my arms around his neck “Uhm... Em, this is a dangerous game we're playing. Think you can stand if I put you down? So I can get you some clothes...it's really effecting me feeling you like this” he says coarsely

Oh fuck I didn't manage to get dressed before I had to sit down, I'm still completely naked.

I look up at him, meeting his intense gaze

“I...well you could just put me down on the bed” I whisper

Steve walks over to the bed and leans forward putting me down on the bed carefully. As he stands up again he lets his hand slide up my body. He sighs deeply and turns away from me walking up to the dresser and gets a pyjama out for me. He hands it to me and stands with his back to me as I get dressed and crawl in under the covers

“Ok I'm done” I say feeling sad he didn't do anything more than that light touch. He changes to his pyjama bottoms and gets in with me. I lay my head on his chest as I've done now for as many nights as I can remember. How will I ever live without this heartbeat to fall asleep to? What happens when he can't be here any more? There is a feeling of panic inside of me fighting to get out and cause havoc. I won't let it... I don't need panic over Steve when I have to gather strength for mine and Dustin's plan. I'm going to need my all for that.

“So what's on the agenda for tomorrow then? Should I come back here for lunch? Or do you want to be alone?” Steve asks

“I never really WANT to be alone Steve, so please if you have the possibility I'd love it. I was thinking I might venture a little bit of a longer walk tomorrow. I felt real good walking today, so I thought seeing as it isn't too far I might go see Ed tomorrow around 10:30 and maybe you can pick me up when you come home for lunch?” I look up at him

“You sure you're up for it? I mean of course I'll pick you up there. That would probably be around 12:15 or something, that ok?” he smiles at me

“That sounds perfect Steve, well I'll decide when I wake up how I feel. I'll make sure to eat before I go and to bring something with me as well. I think I can do it. If not I'll call the school and leave a message for you” I say

“Sounds good sweetheart, but I think we should try for sleep now. Night Em” he hugs me tight kisses my head and gently starts stroking my back.

“Night Steve, thank you for being you” I say and I kiss his chest hearing him let out a small gasp

“Yeah...ummm...you too” he squirms a bit and I think to myself that I made him uncomfortable and my heart sinks. I lay there listening to his heart beating until I fall asleep. I wake up realizing during our sleep we've changed positions. I'm now on my back and Steve is laying on my chest. My boob in a firm grip and his leg over my hips. He's slowly grinding against my leg in his sleep. Again I feel he's probably dreaming something very nice. He's hard and ready against my hip, rubbing himself against me. I moan quietly, why is he doing this to me. I know it's not doing me any good, and I feel bad for wanting him so bad. But I wiggle out of my pyjama bottoms and I unbutton my top. I turn on my side so my backside is flush against Steve's body. His hand now grabbing my bare chest. He's starting to wake up I can tell by his breathing. I feel him tensing

“No Steve, we both apparently need this. Don't go all chivalrous on me, just please” I say felling so bad for begging like this. Takes him like a second to realize I'm completely naked from the waist down. He lets out a long deep breath and he tugs at his bottoms pulling then down. He taps my leg, I lift it and he slides in to me without hesitation. It feels so good being filled by him. I lean back and I grab his hair as he plays with my nipples and kisses my neck. He's breathing heavy in to my ear, groaning quietly

“Fuck you feel so good” the pace is slow and so good. Deep thrusts hitting just the right spot inside of me. Steve moves his hand down and starts circling my clit as he fucks me. “Come on me babe, please come on me I wanna feel you squeeze every last drop out of me” he growls in my ear. I grab his hair tighter, hos other hand coming up underneath me grabbing my boos again pinching my nipples, teasing them. He keeps kissing my neck, letting hos tongue play down it. I feel myself closing in to the inevitable “That's it babe, I can feel you're getting closer. God you feel so amazing, please let go now. I'm so close I wanna come with you babe” he purrs sending me straight to heaven

“Fuuuuuck Steeeeeve... Oh my gooood yes yes yes” I groan as the orgasm takes me and I feel him pushing in one last time before he releases his warm seed into me.

“Fuck Em... Fuuuuuck” he growls as he finishes.

There's full silence except our combined breathing. Until...

“Why does this keep happening?” Steve's voice breaks the silence

“Keep happening? I would have assumed because we want it to? Otherwise you need to win an Oscar for your excellent acting” I say feeling anger bubbling to the surface

“But do we though? Or is it just a carnal need?” Steve says quietly

“I think you need to leave now Steve” I can't any more... I just can't and I do not want to become angry with him over this. I want to keep this friendship but at this very moment I can't have him near me. He just breaks me apart

“What? Emma... I”

“Leave... please” I say back still turned to him “I'll get by without you. Go have your own life back. We'll talk”

“But... why?”

“STEVE!” I raise my voice enough for him to realize I am in fact serious. He gets out of bed and I hear him get dressed.

“I'll come pick my stuff up later tonight then? Do you still need a ride at lunch?” he says

“I'll let you know.” I can't look at him, my heart it shattered into a million tiny pieces. If I look I'll cry and then I might not be able to stop without begging him to be with me even if he doesn't want to. I hear him leave and I begin to shed silent tears until I fall back asleep.

I wake up around 10, feeling like I'm going to be sick. I take a few deeps breaths telling myself it's only because of Steve. It'll pass, just like every other time this has happened to me. Unrequited love sucks. I get out of bed and I get dressed. Go down in to the kitchen and make myself something to eat. I pack a bag with a sandwich and some fruit and I put my shoes and jacket on. Oh right I need to think if I want Steve to pick me up... If I make it there on my own I will be tired I know this. I go in to the office and I call the school. Letting the woman on the other end know that I want her to tell Steve he's to pick me up on his lunch break. I go to the kitchen and I make another sandwich and bring that along for Steve. I might be upset with him but I'm still going to make sure he eats something for lunch. I go outside, the weather is getting chillier now that October's come. It's been 5 months now, nothing is easier, and still everything is. I still miss Eddie every second of every day. But I can at least manage to exist now. The walk to the cemetery isn't long and it's not as strenuous as I thought. I get there and I sit down after stroking the headstone.

“Hey Freak, what's up... Remember me asking you to help me with the whole Steve crap... Yeah you suck!” I smile “that went to hell, did it again with him this morning. He fucking broke my heart so I kicked him out. Eddie...for fucks sake why am I so unlovable? What is it with me?” I'm crying now “and then on top of all this you're not here to make me feel better. Telling me your lame ass stories and bad jokes. I love him so fucking much Eddie and I can't tell him. I mean what was that? Asking why that kept happening? And when I said it was because we wanted to he said it was carnal need not want... I mean could he BE more uninterested? Well... on a brighter note though, me and Dustin are coming for you soon. We're meeting up this weekend to plan. But I feel ok now, if I can convince him we'll go on Saturday. You can't stay in that hellhole any longer...that's also breaking my heart”

I sit there and let my tears flow for a while until I hear footsteps on the gravel behind me. I look up and wipe my tears.

“”Hey man” Steve fist-bumps the stone and looks down at me “Hey Em” he says in a hushed voice

“Hey, thanks for this. The walk here was ok but I feel tired now.” I say not really able to look at him

“No problem you know that sweetie... I would do anything for you”

“Yeah, ok” I say and I get up “I made you a sandwich you wanna eat it here with Ed or you wanna take it to work?” I ask

“Uhmm... well If I eat it here I get your company so... wanna sit on the bench over there?” he says and points over to the bench not far from Eddies grave. I head over there and I sit down, taking out the packed sandwiches. I start eating, still not able to look at Steve because it hurts too bad. I give him the other one

“Thank you... Emma, why won't you look at me?” he sounds so small

“I can't... You just keep shitting all over me Steve. I can't have you around if you're going to be this way. The fact that you once again show such regret after having sex with me is fucking breaking my heart Steve. And since I want it and you're only fulfilling a carnal need then I want us to be apart. I can't have you that close if this is what I get, ok?” I look up and he's staring at his feet

“I... I promise I don't regret it I told you that”

“Fuck you Steve if that shit you said this morning isn't regret then what the fuck is it? I know I'm not the side chick here because you've basically lived with me for two months now. I think you might have been missed if there was someone else in the picture”

“There isn't anyone else... I just...”

“Yeah you have issues, don't we all. Well figure them out and come talk to me. Until then stay away. I can get home on my own” I say not entirely sure I can but I can't beg for a ride after that speech

“I'll drive you home, don't be silly. What if you're to exhausted along the way. C'mon... then I'll leave you alone, but promise you'll call if you need me. I am still here for you even if you don't think so” he says with a sad voice

“Good to know but the ball is in your court now. Deal with your issues Steve. But I will accept the ride home now” I say and I get up

“I will... and thanks for lunch it was good” he says and we go to the car and he drives me home. “Can I come over and get my stuff later?”

“Sure, I won't tell dad what happened. I'll just tell him I decided I needed to try being alone so you could have your life back.” I say

“Ok, well that's nice of you. But you don't have to lie for me. I know I screwed up...”

“Well... Thanks see you later” I say and I close the door and head inside. I hear him drive off and I break in to tears again. My dark thoughts are coming back, hovering in the back of my mind. Just one bad thing away from taking over again. I go in to the office and I call doctor Carters office. She answers and I ask if I can just talk for a few minutes, she agrees and I tell her everything that's happened during the last day. She asks me if I've told Steve how I feel? I tell her no, she tells me that the best thing is to do that. Even of that means a break it's better than this, this is too consuming and feeds the dark thoughts. She then proceeds to ask me if I've ever thought this might just be Steve thinking I don't want him so he's trying to keep me away the same way I'm now keeping him away. That we're both just being unsure what the other one feels and therefore making everything more confusing. She asks me to think about this until next weeks session and we'll talk about it more then. We hang up and I get stuck thinking about this. Steve feeling the same but not knowing how to say it so that's the reason he's acting a fool? Nah...doubtful. He's never seemed the guy to keep his feelings showed down and suppressed so why now?

I look at the time... I need to eat, I heat up food and sit down at the TV. But I can't keep my mind on the program. I just keep coming back to doctor Carters suggestion. Should I tell him or should I just leave it? What scares me the most is that if I tell him and he takes it badly and keeps his distance. Then I would have lost another friend in less than 6 months, THAT I can't handle. I'd rather be heartbroken but his friend than heartbroken and alone.

Dad comes home and we make dinner. He asks when Steve's going to be back and I tell him what I told Steve I was going to. He asks if I'm sure.

“Dad, I can't ask him to keep his life on hold like this. He needs to be able to do something other than work and hang around here. I promised I'd call if I needed him. So it's not like he's gone for good. But he just won't be here all the time. I need to learn how to sleep on my own. It is time dad”

“Yeah I guess you're right sweetheart. I just know how calm and happy you've seemed with Steve around. I have a good memory of what happened last time he left” he says

“Yeah me to dad, but then HE left without warning. This time I asked him to, there is a difference” he agrees to this. We have dinner the two of us and then he goes to watch TV. I decide to call Dustin. I go in to the office and sit down ant the desk dialling his number

“Hello, Henderson”

“Hey Mrs Henderson, it's Emma. Is Dustin around?”

“Hey Emma, yeah he's right here”

“Hey Em, what's up?” he says as he takes the phone from his mother

“Wanna come over Friday? We need to get this ball rolling.”

“Sure I can be there at like 6”

“Perfect, see you then”

“Yup, see ya”

We hang up, wish all phone calls could be that efficient I think to myself and smile. Good, now we're getting somewhere. I go out and join dad in front of the TV for while. There's a knock at the door around 8. Steve comes in looking kinda worse for wear

“Hey, am I disturbing you?”

“No not at all, we're just watching some TV” I say and this time I can look at him, still feels like someone is piercing my heart but I'll live

“You wanna join us or are you in a hurry?” dad asks and glances over at me I give him a small nod

“Well... I was actually thinking I'd get my stuff then I need to get back home. I have an extra early day tomorrow, the team's having a game out of town tomorrow night. I need to prepare for it before the actual school day starts” he says

“Oh, well good luck Steve. Kick their asses all the way into next week” dad says

“Want help with your things?” I ask

“Nah I'll be right down, I didn't bring that much to begin with” he says and heads up the stairs. My stomach churns, I feel like I want to be sick. Dad sees it

“Are you SURE about this honey? You don't look like you ever want him to leave, can't you just talk to him? I am sure he feels the same way about you...”

“No dad... he doesn't. That's part of why I asked him to leave, I can't have him be so close and not be able to...be with him. Just please dad I can't talk about this now. It hurts” I say

“Ok... I'm sorry sweetheart. I really am” dad squeezes my hand. Steve appears in the door carrying a bag of stuff.

“There, it's like I've never been there taking up space” he says trying to sound light and smiling. But I can see I did hurt his feelings asking him to leave. But what was I to do?

“You weren't taking up space Steve, you know that.” I say and I get up to give him a hug

“No, Em... Please don't, not right now” he says and he leaves out the door. I sit back down and I let out a deep sigh.

I can see dad in the corner of my eye wanting to say something but keeps him self from doing it. There's silence for maybe 10 minutes then dad clears his throat

“So, you want some tea or coffee or something sweetheart?” I know he asks only because he can't stand silences like this one.

“Sure dad, some tea would be nice. I think I'll head off to bed soon enough, it's been a long day” I say and smile at him

He comes back with a cup of tea each and we watch TV, making small talk about the program. Then I head up to bed. It's cold and empty without Steve in it. But I will have to learn to deal with this loneliness. Some time around 4 in the morning I finally doze off to sleep.

The following days are pretty much the same, I wake up, prepare my foos for the day. I walk to see Eddie. Walking is getting easier and by Thursday I make the trip back and forth from the cemetery without having to stop to catch my breath. Yes, I can do this on Saturday. I can go find Eddie and bring him home. Friday rolls around and I can't wait for evening. Just around 6 there's a knock at the door and Dustin comes in. I hear him as dad opens the door

“Hey Mr Lundberg, nice to see you”

“Hey Dustin, good to see you to. Emma's in the living room.” I know dad is planning on doing some work in his office tonight so he won't bother us.

“Emma! How's everything?” Dustin smiles at me

“Hey, well... Ok I guess. Hopefully a lot better by tomorrow...” I smile at him

“Yeah, we doin' this then? You're sure you can handle it? I mean if we can find a way in, and IF we find him there's really no way of knowing what we'll find. I can't have you disappearing on me in there” he sounds concerned

“Yeah, I mean I understand that whatever we find might be...gruesome. But I'd rather find what's left of him and being able to bring that back to his grave than living with the idea of him in there forever... That's what I can't deal with.” I say

“Then that makes two of us. I mean...not to rude or anything. I mean I love that you want me to help, but shouldn't we have someone else along as well... someone but me that's been in there before. Like Nancy or Robin...or Steve” he asks cautiously

“No! Steve has no interest in trying to find a way in again, Nancy and Robin will just try to stop me. I came to you because that first day in the hospital I could see it in your eyes that you want this as much as I do. Tell me I'm wrong?” I say

“Nope, absolutely correct. I want to do this, just that they've all experienced...the things in there that might wanna eat us. I've just beaten off some bats with a spear...” he says

“You're doubting yourself man, please don't do that. I would have never asked you if I didn't have complete faith that you could handle yourself Dustin” I say and I smile at him giving his knee a reassuring pat

“Thanks Em, well... ok so. You wanna do this tomorrow I guess? Should we leave first thing in the morning? I mean we'd have to get to what's left of the trailer park first of all.” he says

“Yeah I think first thing is good....then we'll have all day. I'm going to have dad drive me there, pretence that I need to see it to help with the demons. Therapist's suggestion. Then I'll say I've asked Steve to come pick me up later. It's easier to say I'm sorry later on than tell him what I'm doing before I do it.”

“Sure, sure... I can take my bike there. So meet at like what 9? Seems like a reasonable hour for you to be there? Any earlier might seem strange?” he says

“Yeah 9 is good. I'll pack something for us to eat.”

We sit there planning for a good 2 hours before we hear dad heading towards us and we have to change the subject. But it feels good, feels like we've covered all our bases. Dustin stays for a little longer then he heads home and I tell dad about my plans

“So I had another talk with doctor Carter today, she feels I need to start dealing with the places I've been avoiding due to memories. Like g there and tell Eddie what I feel in that moment. So tomorrow morning I would like to have a ride dad.”

“Ok, I guess I can manage” he smiles “where to?”

“The trailer park” I say and he stares at me

“But there's nothing left of it sweetheart...wouldn't that upset you?”

“It might but it might also help me. The doc thinks that me avoiding the places I associate most with Eddie is stopping me from reaching my goals. I need to face the fear of seeing what happened to his home. I've already spoken to Steve, if you drive me there say at 9 he's picking me up at 12 and we're having lunch.” I look over at dad, he's thinking this through I can see it

“Ok...well it sounds like a good idea. And if this woman thinks it might help I guess I have no reason to say no. But why that early?” he asks

“Well... I found out they're doing some digging out there next week so come Sunday they'll be fencing it off. And I don't want to risk them starting early and beginning the fencing tomorrow. So if I go early and they come there I might have had a small amount of time to myself where I can yell at Eddie for leaving me” I smile

“Oh... well ok then. And Steve is for sure picking you up then?” he asks

“Yes dad, he is. I think I need to talk to him so it's perfect. Well I'm going to bed then, see you in the morning. Love you, night” I say and kiss his cheek

“Love you to honey, sleep tight” he says and I head off to bed. I look out the window as I lay there missing Steve's body next to mine. I have slept these 2 nights without him but I haven't slept well. I hope this night will be better ´, I need to be rested for the trek tomorrow.

“Ed, my best freak... I'll be there tomorrow, hang on one more night ok?” I say out loud to the dark skies outside. I try to get comfortable, but my mind is racing. I turn and I pick up the phone

“What...ehmm...hello?” oh fuck I woke him up

“Hey”

“Emma? Did something happen?” Steve is wide awake now

“Nah...just... I'm sorry Steve, I'm just so sorry I hurt your feelings. I couldn't sleep because I hadn't said that to you. And...you know if something happens to either one of us and I never said it... Well that's all. Go back to sleep we can talk some other day. I just needed to calm my mind...and hear your voice” I say

“Emma... What are you talking about, something happening? And I'm sorry to, for being the way I was with you. I am trying to get my mind straight about this so I can finally talk to you. But...are you ok? Or do you need me to come over?” he asks sleepily

“No Steve, I'm ok. Feels better just hearing your voice. Good night sweetie” I say and I hang up. It actually calmed my mind, I didn't tell him straight out what I was doing but I kind of did hint at it. Hopefully he won''t ever have to worry about it. We'll get in, find Eddies body and get back out. Then it's too late to be angry with me... I try to justify lying to dad like I did with this logic. I fall asleep eventually.

The next day I wake up early, I head down stairs and I male some sandwiches before dad comes down and starts asking why I'm bringing that much food. I pack it in my backpack along with a blanket, a flash light, one of dads big hunting knives he got from his dad when he died and I sneak in to dads office and take the gun I know he keeps in his desk. There I should be set if there's anything left in there wanting to hurt us.

I make coffee and I sit down at the table just in time for dad to come downstairs.

“Oh hey honey you're up early” he kisses my forehead

“Yeah I couldn't sleep, guess I'm a little nervous seeing the place” I say which isn't a lie, just didn't specify WHAT place I was talking about.

“Yeah...are you 100% sure you wanna do this today?” he asks

“Yeah it has to be today, you know with the digging later on I have no idea when I'll get the chance again. And I'll be careful I know it's a crater there now. Nancy told me” I say

“Ok, lets have coffee then and I'll drive you there.” he sighs

We finish the coffee talking a bit about what I wanna say to Eddie once I get there. We head out to the car and we leave for Forest Hills, or what's left of it. Dad drops me off where the road leads in to the remains of the trailer park. I wave at him and I start walking. There is a silence in the area that doesn't feel natural. No birds, no trees blowing in the wind. Nothing like that. I go around the bend and it appears in front of me. A big crater, debris from trailers all over. But there is one trailer still standing...only one. And it's the one I was most hoping to see. But it will be very difficult getting to it I can see that. But I am hellbent on doing this so fuck that I'll get to it if I have to crawl all the way on my hands and knees. I'm a little early so I sit down on a rock facing the area and I wait for Dustin to arrive.

Steve's pov

There is something Emma isn't telling me. I have my suspicions, but I pray that I'm wrong. She wouldn't be that stupid, would she? Ever since she called me last night I've had this nagging feeling in my gut telling me I have to go over there and see if she's ok.

I get in the car and I drive over there, might be early but Martin is usually up at this time. I knock on the door, it opens I see Martin staring at me

“Steve? What are you doing here?”

“Hey Martin, is Emma up yet?”

“No, she had a thing she was doing for therapy, I dropped her off like 30 minutes ago, and she said you were picking her up there at 12 and you guys we're having lunch after. Steve? What's going on?” he's worried now and so am I

“Where did you drop her off?” I know the answer before he says it

“At the trailer park, her doctor thought she needed to face the places she associated most with Eddie. That it would help. Steve was she lying to me?”

“I'm afraid so... But I'll get her. I think this has a lot to do with my behaviour not just Eddie's death. I'll bring her back safe Martin. But in case she's changed her mind, and I pray to god she does, and she comes home you better stay put.” I tell him

“Ok... what do you think she's really doing Steve?” Martin is pale now

“I think she's stupid enough to go look for Eddies remains. She know where he died, Dustin told her that” Why lie to the poor man

“Dustin was here last night, I overheard them talking about something... I don't know something was upside down... I didn't catch it all.” he says and my heart sinks, fuck Dustin is in on this to? Then there is a slight possibility they'll get in there if the gate is still there. I need to go to Dustin's and see if he's at home. He might have just told her about the gate never imagining her actually going. While I'm standing there thinking Martin has gone in to his office, but now he's running out looking terrified

“My gun and my hunting knife, they're both gone... Steve what is she up to?” he's panicking

“Ok... Martin I need you to really listen to me now ok. I haven't much time I need to go to Dustin and see if he's gone with her. Ok, so everything I'm about to tell you is true ok how ever unbelievable it may sound. I will give Nancy a call and she can come tell you in detail ok?”

“Ok?” Martin is staring at me. We sit down in the kitchen and I tell him in short what happened that day Eddie died. I show him my scars from the bats. “So she's gotten it in her head to go in there to this place to find what might be left of Eddie? And she's gotten Dustin to come? Is this what you're telling me?” Martin sighs

“Yeah, Dustin has this guilt for leaving Eddie there. We all know it. He's been trying to get us to go ever since it happened. I think now that Emma brought the idea to him he had no one to stop him. I need to go now, but first I'm going to call Nancy and get her here.” I say and I pick up the phone. Nancy answers and I give her a quick explanation “She'll be right here, she can tell you all you need or want to know about this. She's been dealing with it since the beginning just like me” I say to Martin and I rush out the door and in to the car. I drive off to Dustin's house hoping he'll be there and that Emma was actually telling Martin the truth. I see Dustin's mum outside looking worried

“Hey Mrs Henderson, is Dustin home?” I say

“Oh Steve, I think he's going to do something stupid... He came home last night from visiting Emma, he packed a bag with a flash light, ropes, his knife and I saw him take out that spear thing he made. And now he's gone. Is he going where I think he's going Steve?” she's borderline hysterical

“I'm afraid so, and he's got Emma with him. I'm gonna go and try to reach them before they do something truly stupid, ok? I'll get him home safe, I promise” I say and she's nodding her head crying. I get in the car again and I break every speed limit there is getting to the trailer park. I have to get there in time, I HAVE TO! Turn in to what's left of the trailer park and I see them, half way across the crater headed to... what the hell it's still standing? I run out of the car getting up on to the edge and I scream

“EMMA! PLEASE WAIT!” I try to get down there as fast as I can without falling and hurting myself. I jump, I run, I climb just to get to them

“Steve? What are you doing here? How did you know?” She sounds both surprised and angry at the same time.

“Martin... I came over, had a feeling you needed me... Please, don't do this...for the love of god don't. AND YOU!” I lash out at Dustin “What the fuck were you thinking? Your mum's hysterical because you packed that stuff and took that fucking spear out. What were you hoping to achieve here?”

“I have to get him back Steve, I should have never left him ok... I shouldn't have. I can't fucking sleep Steve, the guilt is eating me up from the inside. And since none of you guys wanna do this I had to take who ever I could, luckily Emma needs this as much as I do. So go home Steve, leave us to this.” Dustin glares at me

“Steve listen to him, leave... If you can't support us then leave. I can barley fucking exist knowing he's in there, that his grave is empty. I can't it's all consuming every day. The only time I didn't think of this was when I was with you and when you made it so abundantly clear that that was a mistake to you , well this is it then. I need peace of mind Steve... or I won't make it. The darkness is there...all the time threatening to take over. I have to do this... There isn't one reason for me not to.” I look at Emma... what the fuck have I done

“What if you get hurt? Huh? Killed...stuck in there unable to escape? What then? What about all the people you'd be hurting? What about your mum Dustin? What about Mike, Will and Lucas? And Emma... please... Em what about Martin... What about me?” I plead with them

“What about you Steve? What about YOU? Twice you've fucked me then thrown me away like garbage, breaking my heart in to a million little pieces. It's not helping Steve... I need to do this for ME. If this is it for me, if I don't make it back, yeah dad will be sad for a while. I know you'll tell him I died for something I believed in if that's the case. It breaks my heart saying this Steve, I don't want to hurt dad like that. But I can't go on without at least trying. I can't for Eddie I can't. So I ask you again Steve... WHAT ABOUT YOU?” she's angry now, angry I'm trying to stop her. Angry that I can't understand her reasoning. But all I can feel now is fear, the fear that I am losing her, I can't be a considerate chicken any longer

“BECAUSE I FUCKING LOVE YOU! OK? Because I've loved you for years...YEARS Emma. But I couldn't compete with Eddie, I still can't compete with Eddie. All I ever wanted was to be yours all the time, wanted to love you in every sense of the word. But he's always there between us, I can't compete with the love you have for him. So I tried sooo fucking hard to stay away, to not let myself be blinded by you and how amazing you are. But I got caught in my feelings for you, twice these last months we've been together and both times has been been as a direct result of you dealing with losing Ed. I... I don't have the strength to be around you and not love you but I can never be him however much I try I just can't and it's killing me. That's the weirdness, that's the thing you took for regret... ok? It's just me not knowing how to compete with a dead man. I want you, I need you... I love you so much. Fuck I fell for you that first day you came in to Scoops, you were so weird and cute and you weren't intimidated by me. You were just being you...and then that day when I came over when you were hurt...that was it you had me. From that moment I was yours, but you were Eddies... I just wasn't him.” there, I did it. I told her

Back to Emma

Is this reality? Did he just say what I thought he said... I stare, I can't speak. My mind is racing, a thousand different things fighting to take centre stage.

“You think you had to COMPETE with Eddie over me? Eddie? My best friend? I never ever loved him like anything but a brother. I... why the fuck would you feel a need to compete with that? He was my person, my ride or die, my rotten soldier. But he could never be what I wanted you to be. I never ever had those feeling for him, do I love him yes. But as you'd love a brother or a best friend. I mean it's like you, you love Robin. She's you person am I right?” he nods “Yeah...you get it now? Eddie is my Robin.” I can't make this any clearer for him. My heart is absolutely singing but I can't take my mind off how close we are to finding out if the gate is still there. Steve is right next to me now, just looking at me tears in his eyes. I reach up and I kiss him with every bit of the emotions I have for him “Steve Harrington... I love you too ok? But I still need to do this, so either you find a way to be ok with it or you need to leave.” I kiss him again and again

“Fucking hell this took you two an unnecessary long time...” we hear Dustin sigh

“You knew?” Steve sounds surprised

“Dude... We've all known for years. You can't hide a feeling any better than I could hide an elephant in my kitchen. None of us understood why nothing ever seemed to happen between you two though... But I agree with her, be ok with it or leave Steve. We're wasting time.” he points towards Eddies trailer on the ledge above us

Steve looks down at me “You love me? That for real?” he asks me

“Steve I'd be a cruel person if I said that to you without meaning it. You think of me as cruel?” I smile

“No, not at all... Ok... I'll go with Dustin and you wait here. I WILL NOT argue this with you. We enter that trailer and you sit your pretty perfect ass down and you wait. I've been in there I know what we might find, Dustin has some idea of what's in there. You, not a clue and I need to keep it that way.” he looks at me with a stern look. I want to argue with him, but he does have a point. “Once we're in there and we see if that gate's still there. We go in you give us a maximum of three hours. If we're not back you take my car and you get Nancy and Robin and you tell them to gear up. Ok?” he says as we begin to make out way towards the slope leading up the last bit to the lonely trailer

“Take your car? But I can't drive” I say that's where I got stuck

“I know you can, Martin told me you've been driving a little with him and that you were good. I know you can do it. 3 hours Emma, ok?”

“Ok, 3 hours then go get Robin and Nancy. I got it” I say

As we climb the last little bit I feel my stomach churn again, I haven't been here for 5 months, last time was the last time I saw him. We carefully open the door making sure the trailer is on solid ground. Steve enters first, then Dustin and lastly me. Every fibre in my body wants me to not go in there, not make myself relive the memories if this place and all the happy times I've spent here with the Munson men. I pull myself together and I step over the threshold, Steve and Dustin are standing in the middle of what was the living room staring up in to the ceiling.

“Fucking hell Henderson...it's still here” Steve is pale as a ghost as he's staring at the hole in the ceiling showing a dark twisted copy of the room we're standing in.

“Fuck man, I actually had my doubts after we killed Vecna it would be here. But I'm glad it is, gives us a fighting chance right” Dustin is also looking up in to the twisted world. I'm just having a hard time gripping all of this still. “I have a rope...we're gonna need a rope to get in and out” Dustin starts rummaging through his backpack. He finds the rope and he ties one end to the inside of the trailer door the other he ties to his jeans “Ok Steve hoist me up there” he says

“Why you first?” Steve asks

“You're taller than me, I can't get you up there. Once I'm in I'll tie the rope to that end and you can use it to get through.” Dustin says

“Hey you're not as dumb as I look” I say and I smile as I get the same confused look from them as I did from Eddie when I said that to him.

“Is it bad I don't know if she's insulting me or complimenting me?” Dustin says to Steve who just chuckles

“Just go with thank you dude. Think that's your safest option. But actually, smart idea Henderson. You ready?” he says

“Wait... take these... In case it takes time” I say and hand them the sandwiches I made

“Thank you babe” Steve smiles at me and leans in for a kiss. I purr against his lips, I like it when he calls me babe.

“Ok... I've said it before. You can make out with her later, lets go” Steve smiles at me and then he grabs Dustin by the waist and lifts him up towards the ceiling. I sit down on the floor next to the mattress. I watch Dustin disappear into the hole in the ceiling then falling down on the floor on the other side. He ties the rope to the kitchen counter then motions to Steve to climb through. He's not speaking seeing as they don't know who or what might be listening. Steve falls down on the other side and I stand up looking at them

“Remember, 3 hours from now. Love you” he says

“3 hours, and love you right back”

They disappear from my sight and my stomach forms a hard pit, I sit down on the mattress again. Looking at my watch and then at the ceiling. The wait has begun...

It doesn't take long. Maybe 20 minutes and I hear their voices again. They're getting attacked I think...or there's nothing left to bring back. I stand up and look in to the other world. Suddenly Steve appears

“Hey babe, miss me?” he smiles at me and the pit in my stomach disappears as fast as it appeared.

“Hi, of course I missed you. Did you find...anything?” I ask

“Could you move please, I'm sending Dustin through” Steve says and I move to the side. Dustin falls through the hole. He stands up and brushes himself off. He's been crying, gibe his back a stroke.

“You ok?” I ask

“Yeah, I'm ok...but you're gonna want to help me now. They say don't disrespect the dead so I guess just dropping him through would be bad?” he says looking up

“Dropping him?” I look up and I let out a cry. Standing there is Steve holding a body in his arms.

“I know, I know sweetheart. But please don't lose it now. I need you to help Dustin catch him ok?” Steve is looking right at me, I nod. I take a deep breath and me and Dustin position ourselves under the gate ready to catch the body as Steve climbs on a dresser to reach trough easier. The full weight of Eddies body hits us as he falls when he passes through the gate. We manage to not drop him and we move him over to the couch so that Steve won't fall on him when he comes back. Dustin goes back to make sure Steve gets back ok. I'm just sitting there staring at the face in front of me. He hasn't changed...not one bit. He's got dried up blood all over but other than that he looks like when I saw him last, a little paler maybe. I reach out and I put my hand on his cheek, he looks so peaceful.

“Steve...” I say in a hushed voice “Steve” a little louder “STEVE!”

“Sorry, yes what's wrong” he comes up to me

“Why isn't he cold Steve... He should be cold” I'm vibrating now

“We don't know how time works in the upside down babe. Maybe it's just been a day or something in there” he says

“No, no... Steve...” I let my shaking hand move to the side of his jaw, pressing my fingers in to the skin. I scream “HE FUCKING HAS A PULSE STEVE” then I pass out.

When I come to there's full chaos. Steve's trying to make sure I'm ok, Dustin is freaking out and I can't get up fast enough

“Steve for fucks sake he had a pulse I felt it” I groan

“Yeah, yeah we both felt it... He's...I think he's alive Em. But like Max in some kind of a coma”

“Yeah he's alive... And you wanted me to NOT go get him...” I feel so many things right now. I know none of them would have even had the slightest tiniest ounce of hope this could happen. I mean I know I didn't, I was fully set on finding maybe a body, maybe parts of him. Something to put in that grave. But not this, never ever this.

“I... I never expected. I'm sorry” Steve's crying now, Dustin is crying. Fuck now I'm crying

“I know Steve I know, god I didn't mean to sound so angry. Just...the shock Steve. We need to get going, we need to get him to the hospital” I tug at them both making them stand up. With joined effort we get Eddie out of the trailer. The old table is still half standing outside. We tip it over, put Eddie on it an then we use it as some kind of makeshift sled to get him over to the other side of the crater. We manage to get him in to Steves car and I sit down in the back with his head in my lap just stroking his hair in disbelief. I don't know how many speed limits Steve broke getting us to the hospital but I bet it was as Eddie wouls have said “All of them” We run inside, Steve carrying Eddie in his arms. The staff had seen us coming they meet us and then they take over. We give some bull story about being curious about the crater and finding him under the trailer like this. They ask if we know who he is

“His name is Edwars Munson” I say and they all look at me

“The boy who...they thought”

“Yeah him, we thought he died in the earthquake but apparently...” I motion at Eddie “not”

They rush him off to an examination room, telling us to stay put and they'll come get us when he was in a room. It takes about an hour then a nurse comes and tells us he's in a room if we wan to see him. We all hold hands as we go in to the room. He's on the bed looking like he''s asleep. They've cleaned him off and he looks like Eddie again. Dustin falls down on the floor. I sit down with him, I know exactly what's bothering him.

“Hey Dustin, c'mon. I would have left him for dead to you know.”

“But he died Em, I was there I held him and I saw him die” he's sobbing so bad

“Maybe he...kinda restarted when you left. Maybe his body came back for whatever reason. You couldn't have known Dustin. Please don't do this to yourself. He's here now, he has a chance. And if he doesn't make it, he's atleast home again.” I hug the bot on the floor tight as he sobs uncontrollably in my arms. Steve comes in

“I've called them all, told them to come to the hospital. That we needed them here. I think I might have scared them in to thinking one of you got hurt but it'll be worth it.” he says

“You called dad to?”

“He's with Nancy so I guess she won't be leaving without him” he's standing at the end of the bed looking at Eddie “Fuck man, welcome home” he puts a hand on Eddies foot and he smiles.

“Dustin, please come dit on the chair” I say and we help him off the floor. He sits in the chair next to Eddie, just staring at him crying.

“I'm sorry man, I'm sorry” he keeps whispering

We hear voices outside and we hurry out there. We see Robin, Nancy and dad coming down one side of the corridor from the other way Mike, Will and El. El is smiling widely

“Oh she knows” Steve whispers

“WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE?” Robin is furious, I guess Nancy filled her in on the way

“Before the namecalling a hitting begins can we just calm ourselves and gather round please” Steve says in a calm voice

“Calm? CALM? Where the fuck is Dustin? What happened to him?”

“Robin, please. He's in there but not for the reason you think.” I say and Robin looks at me then at Steve. Down at our hands which we're holding tight

“Ok... So he's ok and you two finally figured out you're made for eachother? That's why we're here? Seriously?” she scoffs

“Not just that... Ok so this might be a bit much to handle, just remember to breath thruogh the shock. Not like this one, she fainted” Steve says and kisses the top of my head

“Fainted? What happened to you?” dad sounds worried

“Not a thing, or well. You'll se” I say

We open the door and we go in first. The others gather in the room and the silence can be cut with a knife.

“That's why I couldn't see him, he's also hiding” El's voice breaks the silence

Then chaos, crying and also... Mike passing out. I'm glad I wasn't the only one I think. Dad is the color of ash, he's staring at the bed.

“Is he? For five months? That's impossible...” he sits down on the other chair in the room. Nancy and Robin are crying, Will tries to wake Mike up and El has sat down next to Eddie with closed eyes

“I can feel him stronger now, he's more like Max now. When he was there...he was just like a shadow” she says in a weird hollow voice

“She's looking for him” Steve whispers

“I thought you said she refused to look for him?” I whisper back

“Apparently she did once at least” he takes my hand “Come with me? Let them say hello on their own” he says.

We go out in to the corridore and sit down at the very end.

“So... We've been stupid, haven't we?” Steve smiles at me

“Yeah” I smile back “we have. One might even suspect us of being stubborn or someting” I say with a giggle

“Right? But it's out there now... I love you, very very much Emma. I never wanted to hurt you but I just wasn't sure if the dude in there would always outshine me and make me second. I'm so sorry I didn't just talk to you”

“Hey, I didn't 'fess up either so. Both Nance and Rob have been telling me a long time to tell you how I felt. Before them, Eddie told me. I was scared you only saw me as a casual hook-up and not someone you'd actually wanna be seen with. One of the last things Eddie told me back in the trailer before you left was that I should give you a chance when you guys came back, because he thought I'd fall in love with you if I gave you a chance. I tried so hard not to Steve, I've been hurt so bad in the past. But he was right, didn't take long for me to relaize you were infect the guy for me. Fuck it hurt believing you didn't like me back. Hurt even more thinking you regretted being with me” I have to be honest with him

“I have no words that can tell you how bad that made me feel, but I just wasn't ready to tell you that I felt like a second choice for you. But I guess I'm going to have to start showing you how much I never regretted the sex. Like every day from now on” he smiles and leans in for a kiss “because THAT babe is something you're amazing at and I won't leave you alone now that I know you're all mine”

We see a doctor coming up towards us, we straighten ourselves and greet him

“Hello, I suppose you two are the ones to talk to about Edward Munson seeing as you're the ones who brought him in?” he says

“Yes, I guess. We couldn't reach his uncle right now, I think he might be at work. I'll try calling him again later” Steve says

"Well, I can say I've never seen something like this myself nor have I heard of it and I've been a doctor for 40 years now. But you're telling me Mr Munson supposedly died in the earthquake and now you came to the remains of the trailer park and you found him underneath the only trailer still standing? Well... I can tell you this much, he couldn't have died. You don't come back from that on your own. But I could possibly believe he slipped in to a very deep coma. To the untrained eye he looks dead still. But how the hell, excuse my language, he survived for five months I can not understand OR explain. He might wake up or he might not. His situation is pretty much the same as Ms Mayfield's. From now on I suppose it's all just a waiting game for you all." he shakes his head in disbelief and walks away

"You know what the worst part is?" I look at Steve

"No, what?" he says stroking my back gently

"I don't think we should tell Wayne, not until we know the outcome of this... It's like a sudden realisation to me, we could end up losing Eddie again. I couldn't stand doing that to Wayne." I say

"Not tell him we found Eddie now you mean?" Steve ponders this for a minute "you know babe, I think you're right. But... I have to ask...will YOU be ok if we lose him again?"

"I've spent every day now for five, very soon six months grieving Eddie, I've dealt with every emotion under the sun. I think... if he doesn't make it, this time I will have the chance to say good bye to him and that would help me. And now I have you, I really have you" I put my hands on Steve's face and I look him deep in the eyes. "I love you...and I will keep loving youfor as long as you'll have me. Maybe I'll be in a dark place some days but I know you can get me out of it. Why were we so stupid Steve?"

"That is a fucking good question... Pair of stubborn asses the both of ya... Guess you finally caved? You told him and he told you? I've HATED having to keep both your secrets for this long... I know Nancy feels the same" Robin is standing a few feet away looking at us with a smirk on her lips

"OUR secrets? You've known all along that she loved me? For fucks sake Rob, you could have spared me a lot of heartache" Steve mutters at her

"Yeah? Think it was my thing to tell? Why didn't I just tell her you loved HER instead then? Could have just as easily done that huh? Would you have been happy with me if I broke your confidence?" she's staring him down "STUBBORN" she practically yells at us and stomps off

"Wow... Ok...so we've learned that we're stubborn asses today. I'm sorry I didn't tell you Steve. But I just thought you had no interest in me other than as maybe a friend with benefits. I didn't want to risk the heartbreak, been through that too many times to be a fan... Eddie said I was too hard on myself, that if you didn't like me back you we're a fucking idiot and not worth my time anyway. Guess he was right...fuck... I didn't get to win an argument with him after all" I chuckle

Steve beams at me and leans in and gives me a kiss

"You know... Never thought Munson was that good at telling peoples feelings. I heard him mumble to himself once, while we were wandering the woods in the Upside down 'I knew it, I was right. She won't have her heart broken this time' I didn't pay enough attention then to figure out who he was talking about. But I guess he figured out I loved you." Steve looks at me my heart sings I'm so happy.

Days turn in to weeks and Steve is practically living with me and dad. We're all just waiting to see if one or both of our friends will ever wake up. We take turns staying by their side at the hospital. A couple of weeks before Christmas the phone rings

"Hello this is Emma" all I hear at the other end is a squeal "hello?"

"You gotta come here" it's Lucas

"Be there as soon as I can" I throw the receiver down and I run in to the living room "We gotta get to the hospital NOW" Steve and dad look at me shocked "that was Lucas...he squealed...can't say if it's a good one or a bad one but we gotta GO" they both fly off the couch and we head for the car. I think dad almost killed the car going to the hospital. We run up to the ward and in to Max's room. There she is, leaning against her pillows...awake! There's tears and laughter all around.

"Max...girlie what an amazing Christmas present! Fuck I've missed you!" Steve is crying tears of joy hugging her so I think he might crush her. I have to pull him away reminding him she's fragile after this long in a coma "Sorry" he blushesMax smiles softly "He'll be here soon. You should go to him" she looks at me and takes my hand

"He? What are you..." I stare at her, holding my breath until Steve pokes me "he's... coming?" I turn and look out the open door to the room on the other side of the corridor.

"Yes, I've seen him all along. We hid together" her voice is strained as she looks at me "go now" she says and I think I make the distance between her room and Eddies in one jump. I throw myself down on the chair next to the bed and I take his hand and I wait, tears streaming down my cheeks. Steve comes in and stands behind me leaning down kissing my head. I look up at him and I kiss him

"Well...see weirdo why do you doubt me all the time" a hushed voice from the bed says

We pull apart and stare at the bed. Eddie's eyes are barely open but his smile is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my entire life. I scream and I throw myself up into the bed holding him for dear life. I cry and I cry and I cry

"What the fuck's her problem? You mean to her already Harrington, I'll kick your ass you know that right?"

Steve's just laughing through his tears "Fuck we've missed you man!"

"Missed me? Wait... what happened? The last thing I remember is fighting those fucking bats, they bit me bad. I think I passed out? Did I?" Eddie sounds confused

Dad comes in and he puts a hand on Eddies head "Good to have you back son, I'd say you should sit down for this but I guess you're fine where you are. Ok so Eddie... There's no real easy way to say this so I'm just going to rip the band aid ok?"

"Ok Martin, do it..." Eddie holds me while I keep crying

"It's Christmas Eddie... Dustin had to leave you because you we're so badly injured you slipped in to a coma in his arms and he thought you died. We had a funeral for you. Emma's been a wreck for several months trying to deal with you leaving her. So this is...well this is happy tears Eddie, just a lot of them" dad looks at the boy in the bed who's staring at him like he's grown five heads

"Christmas? But it was May when we... I was there...how did I make it? MAX! Where's Max she was there with me...is she?" he tries to get up but with me on top of him and Steve holding him back he can't

"She's ok, she just woke up as well. Vecna broke her...but she found her way back. She said you've been hiding together" Steve sniffles and wipes his tears. Dad smiles and says he's going to check on the others.

The doctor comes in and stares at Eddie, and me of course.

"Ahem...Ms Lundberg would you please get off my patient so I can examine him" he says "Mr Munson, I have to tell you I'd almost given up hope of the two of you ever waking up. I thought Mr Henderson was trying to prank me when he came barging in my office yelling for me to come because the both of you woke up. But here you are." he smiles at Eddie as Steve helps me off the bed. He examines Eddie thoroughly saying he's going to need x-rays to make sure all is ok on the inside as well. A nurse comes in and takes his blood pressure, temperature and draws blood. Eddie is quiet the whole time until they all leave.

"So Dustin's ok?" he says quietly "must have been hard on the kid" he looks at Steve

"Yeah...it's thanks to him and this moron right here you're even back here. They went to find a gate so they could bring your body back. Had to forcibly make her stay as I came with Dustin in to find you. Didn't think she needed that after the ordeal she'd been through" Steve holds me and kisses my head

"Good thinking there Harrington, so you've grown a brain while I was gone?" Eddie smiles, still a tease through and through I think and I crawl up in the bed again. I still haven't said a word to Eddie. It's like my brain is back in that mute phase I had in the beginning when I thought he was dead. Eddie wraps his arms around me and looks at Steve.

"Since when doesn't she speak?" he sounds worried

"Well...the first 4 months after you were...gone she didn't speak, not one word after graduation... I think it's shock right now. She'll speak soon I guess. Tell you all about how stupid I've been" Steve smiles at me and Eddie beams

"So you guys DID end up together after all. I was right? Congrats man, you've found yourself a prize here" he hugs me tight "and you...yeah you found that one, you could do better but I'll let it slide since you've been temporary insane from missing me" he whispers at me. Steve chuckles

"Yeah we did end up together, took time though. I was being a moron thinking I couldn't compete with you so I pulled away from her"

"You can't compete with me Steve, there's only ever gonna be one freak in her life and that's me. But you can have her for everything else" Eddie holds out his fist "put it here man"

Steve tears up "I've been to your grave every day giving you a fist-bump. Fuck you can have as many as you want! Missed you so much man" he bumps his fist in to Eddies and then he leans over the bed and gives him a hug

Dad comes in again carrying a phone with him. He plugs it in to the wall and then he says "Ok, Steve should you or I call him?" Steve sighs

"Martin I don't know if I'll be able to hold it together telling him"

"Ehmm...call who?" Eddie looks from one to another

"Wayne" I whimper "I want to call Wayne" I sit up next to Eddie and I smile at him "Fuck you freak for doing this to me" then I give him a wet kiss right in the middle of his forehead

"There's my weirdo, I know you love me and all but save the slobbering for Harrington ok" he dramatically wipes his forehead "but Wayne? He...doesn't know? Where is he, at work?" fuck we'd forgotten Eddie doesn't know about he rest

"Dad, Steve could you...tell him while I call please" they nod and they sit down next to the bed and start telling Eddie everything that's been going on since he disappeared. Eddie's eye fill with tears as he hears about it all

I dial the number on the piece of paper in front of me

"Munson"

"Hey Wayne, it's Emma" there is a long silence on the other end "hello? Wayne, you there?"

"Sweetheart, it's really you? Oh my god how lovely to hear from you. How you been?"

"Well... I've not been ok. I guess you saw that in the beginning, took me about five months to snap out of it. Ehm... Wayne are you sitting down?" I say and my voice is shaking

"No...why? Is something wrong?"

"Would you please sit down, I have something to tell you" I say

"Ok...sitting down now. You're making me worried here sweetie"

"It's not worrying news Wayne... it's really the best Christmas present any of us will ever get... Uhmm... so 2 months ago me and Dustin set our minds on something..." I begin

"No...Emma. You didn't, please tell me you didn't try to get in there to find him"

"We...did...and Wayne... we found him" I say and there's muffled crying on the other end "Wayne... listen to me now ok?"

"Ok" he sniffles

"He was alive Wayne, in a deep coma but alive" I think that the silence could probably be cut with a knife it's so dense "Wayne? Breath sweetie so I know you're still with me"

"Emma...please don't make sick jokes like this. It's cruel" he cries I look over at the bed and I get up and I hand Eddie the phone

"Wayne... Hey man" we can all hear the scream from the other end. Eddies shocked face says it all as he hands the phone back to me

"Wayne...it isn't a joke. He woke up today, him and Max both woke up today. I think you need to take some time off work and come back here for Christmas don't you?" there's loud sobbing on the other end. I wait for it to subside a bit "Wayne sweetie, you know I would have never called and told you something like this if it weren't true"

"Put him back on" Wayne sobs and I hand Eddie the phone and motion to the other's that we should leave and give them their privacy.

If someone would have told me at the beginning of June that by Christmas I would be in a perfect relationship with Steve, Max would have woken up AND that we'd find Eddie alive I would have probably thrown a massive fit and died on the spot from getting to angry with them I'd have a heart attack...

But you know what, miracles do happen. Even to weirdos and freaks

Authors note!

Hey guys... I know this ended a bit over the top happy, but hey we all whished for Eddie to survive. This is me trying to manifest for season 5 😉

Thanks for reading

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary12

getting better all the time. 9/16-17/2023

today was better than yesterday. yesterday i was so miserable because basically i realized that i was mixing everything with bad ears (the usual setup i was using was sapping a ton of low end, kind of shelf effect where everything around 100hz and below was super quiet and almost nonexistent) which leads to obvious overcompensation when mixing otherwise, bass and kicks too loud. so i had to go through, today, and figure out what was fucked up and what wasn't. less than you'd expect was fucked up, but i had to run through about 25 or more songs and then start a and b-ing things to see what was fine and what wasn't, but some stuff has really messed up mixes and that takes hours to unfuck, i don't know, like 5 songs about, 1 taking a bunch of my time today especially. this setup also sapped a lot of high end while also saturating the mix, so everything just sounds different now, some stuff sounds less clinky, and i need to get some kinds of distortion more right/see if i like putting saturation on the master. one song sounds alright with it, but will i feel that way tomorrow. another thing is it really messes with the vocal mixes. it's weird, because the mid-range is so favored in that setup by its nature i guess, it kind of begins to favor where the vocals and "guitars" sit in these songs, and so i mixed around that trying to get the vocals less emphasized and guitars more up front. this puts me in a weird place, because in this other setup which is just me getting my system audio, it's weirdly not favoring guitars, and the vocals are duller because of the lack of saturation and say, not cutting them too much in the lows. the vocals are an easier fix, i need to put a multiband on them and boost the highs, i did that to the songs that i've done vocals for recently to get the brighter/better. when i go to the old setup, it's really fucked up, because it pushes them up front even more, but if i swap in shitty earbuds on the system audio setup, it sounds a lot better to have the vocals pushed out of the mids a bit more than have them fully there, because it eats like every other sound on the song. maybe i'm just bad at mixing, if i were good, these things would sound serviceable in these other environments, but now i think i'm figuring that out now. i guess.

the guitars are either going to be really frustrating or i'll have a breakthrough. it makes me want to cry though. it's so strange because they both have more body and feel like they need some tweaking, more brightness maybe or saturation still, but they're so distorted already.

i think what i'm really getting hung up on is one song, a super short one, that i want to be more readable, so maybe i'll just kill myself doing that or something forever who knows. i'm already opening ableton again to try and get it right lol. i have been doing this since 1 pm today and now it's 1:37.

the reason this takes so long is cuz my computer sucks so bad it makes me want to give up or not really just makes me want to die.

okay and now another version of that same song is rendering and could you believe i am back here typing one who hour later. i spent maybe an hour and a half in the shower and around dinner (11 pm) i finally let myself take a break after finally getting what felt like a good amount done, but here i am, back again doing this. i am stupid and insane.

i still need to work on it. i think i can get it right it's just so difficult.

wwow more than 2 hours later still not where i want it but closer i think.

ok now it's 6 in the morning basically and i think i did it. i hope. i'm waiting on it to render but this should be it, i think.

yayayayayayay i think i have it and when i wake up tomorrow i think i'll like it and whatever needs to be done to it now is like at most moving the high pass on it up probably to remove some dullness but i want to hear it tomorrow to see if i'm crazy for thinking that might need to be done at all.

i'm so tired now i hate being up this late.

soon i will be happy with everything again i hope.

[moonfawnx]

The hand that once held mine -nyx archeron x reader

request: Hii, I have this idea that adult nyx × newly turned! reader were a couple, they fight and break up, and one day when out and about in velaris nyx spots reader doing grocery shopping and starts watching her talking with people,he sees how she adjusted to her life in velaris and being a fae in general, and realized how much he misses her and how much he can envision a life with them?

༄

Even though it had been a month since your break up with Nyx, it still pained you to think about him or the life you could have together now that you were immortal as well.

It had started off as a simple argument- you had just turned high fae, still scared of your new life.

You had simply wanted your boyfriend to spend some more time with you- to be there fir you.

But no- as the heir of the night, Nyx Archeron had many other things to do and definitely didn't have the time to help you.

Even more now that the high lord and high lady of the night court passed the court of nightmares to Nyx- gave him full control of what was going on there- he had many more important things to do.

You were slowly healing- going to the local library or to theaters. You were getting better, even if it hurt to do so without Nyx.

You were currently at a local supermarket, shopping groceries to make a strawberry cake. You had met a male at the library- Cayden- and after meeting a few more times he brought up in one of your conversations that he owned a bakery. He'd insisted on giving you one of his recipes to try and make it, and you agreed on the condition that he'd visit later that night to try the cake.

What you hadn't noticed was your ex standing outside of the supermarket, not even trying to hide the fact that he was staring.

He was surprised at least. The last time he had seen you you were screaming at him while crying- mourning your life at the mortal lands.

When had you gotten better? Were you over your break up with him? Were you... over him?

He could've wrap the thought around his head- the idea of you not wanting him anymore killed him.

He knew it was his fault. He knew he was being a neglectful partner and he knew he was an asshole- but perhaps he only realized after he had lost you forever.

He stared at you, more beautiful than ever, walking out of that supermarket with your bag of groceries. You didn't notice him- instead you started walking down the road, towards your apartment.

Tonight- he promised himself- tonight he'd fix things.

...

You were finally done with the cake. It was in the oven, baking and you had just enough time to shower and wash the flour off of your hair just before Cayden was about to arrive.

While you were in the shower you couldn't wrap around your head what you were doing. You couldn't believe you actually thought it'd be that easy to get over Nyx.

Yes, Cayden was a nice and sweet male but he wasn't the one you were in love with.

You had just finished getting ready when you heard knocks on your door.

You rushed to open and greeted Cayden with a warm, welcoming smile.

He as well, grinned at the smell of the cake filling the room. He'd bought you flowers- tulips. You thanked him as you went to place them in a base with a sad smile as you remembered all those times when you'd walk around tulip fields with Nyx and He'd collect some and place them in you hair or behind your ears.

You got the cake out of the oven as Cayden helped you cut it.

You two sat on the couch while he commented on how good your baking skills were.

You were explaining to him exactly what you'd done as he just stared at you with a smile on his face.

"what?" you asked after a few minutes of him staring. "you're really beautiful y'know?" he grinned as you turned away, blushing.

You had to tell him, now or never.

"I'm sorry I'm not really looking for a relationship right now" it was true- atleast part of it. The person you wanted a relationship with had left you.

You see Cayden's eyes widen as his smile dropped. Had you said something wrong?

"oh gods, no I prefer males" he said as you turned your head towards him, not expecting that.

"oh, I'm sorry I assumed-" you started but were cut off when someone knocked on your door.

And to your own surprise, the person outside was your ex.

He stares into his eyes as you stare back- unable to look anywhere else.

You had forgotten how gorgeous he was- he was truly the most beautiful male you had ever seen.

A part of you wanted nothing more than to kiss him, but no. You still remembered that he had left you- abandoned you when you needed him the most.

It was a cough that came from Cayden that brought back into reality.

The light leaves Nyx's eyes as he turns his attention towards Cayden, studying him. His eyes darken as his hands tighten into a fist.

He finally looks back to you and there you are, looking fron him to Cayden and back to him.

His voice is dark and quiet as he speaks.

"who the fuck is he?"

[watermelonlovershigh]

A Day of Breastfeeding

Thank you to this ask for the request of this one shot prompt

Things to help you read this easier:

(Married for 3 years/Any solo Harry era)

(I pray that this photo doesn't get my account in trouble again. It's an innocent photo with no real nudity shown.)

Today has been a busy day with you and your four month old daughter. She woke you up at the early hour of 5:00 am and you've been up ever since.

When she woke up at five, you crawled out of the warm bed you and Harry were sleeping in to go into her nursery. Her reason for awakening was hunger. Instead of feeding her in the nursery like you do most mornings, you carried her back into yours and Harrys bedroom so you could feed her in the comfort of your bed. You climbed back in bed with a hungry baby and laid her on your newly exposed chest. She latched instantly and you may or may not have dozed back off again due to exhaustion.

At 5:30 am Harrys alarm goes off, letting him know he needs to wake up to go to the studio for a few hours and record new music. He reached for his phone, shutting the alarm off, and turned around to glance at his beautiful wife. Beautiful wife who some how stayed asleep through the sounds of his alarm. What he wasn't expecting to see was his equally beautiful baby girl laying on top of your naked chest with your nipple exposed to the cold air of the room. Presumably due to your daughter having finished eating and your nipple falling out of her relaxed mouth. Harry sleepily smiled to himself. How did he get so lucky he thinks internally.

Harry knew he needed to get ready to be at the studio but he just couldn't help himself. He got up and quietly walked around the bed to pick up your sleeping daughter from your chest. Your eyes shot open at the loss of contact with her but Harry was quick to whisper, "Shhh my love. I'm just going to take her to her nursery and let you get some comfortable sleep. Then I'm leaving for the studio. If you need me, call me. I'll come right home. Love you." He bent down to place a kiss your lips and you give him a thankful smile. Right before he let the room, he covered your exposed chest with the blanket so you don't get cold.

Harry decided to burp your daughter on the walk to her nursery knowing she hadn't burped yet. She let out a soft little burp from her tiny mouth on her daddy's shoulder and Harry kissed her soft head in appreciation. He noticed her diaper was dirtied, so being the father he is, Harry changed her poopy diaper and cradled her back to sleep. He placed her back in her crib and gave her one more good bye kiss on his way out. Then Harry got dressed and left for the studio.

Your daughter let you sleep until 7:00 am when she got hungry again. You got up to feed her and decided to just stay awake and start your day. After you fed your daughter and changed her soiled diaper, you went down the stairs to make you something to eat. While you ate your yogurt and berries, the four month old played in her playpen. Then you put her down for a midmorning nap so you could clean up a bit. Around 11:00 am, you breastfeed her again while you watched a bit of tv. She fell asleep shortly after and you called Harry to let him know you were doing fine and talked about dinner options.

Through-out the rest of your day, you pretty much alternated between breastfeeding your daughter, changing dirty diapers, putting her down for naps, and did house chores: dishes, vacuuming, laundry, and dusting. Around 5:00 pm, you felt super disgusting from all the sweating you did today. The only problem was you were home alone with your daughter and there was no one to watch her while you showered or bathed. Usually you'd wait until Harry came home but the sound of a relaxing bath sounded heavenly to your ears. So the only reasonable fix to your problem was to bring her in the tub with you.

Harry and yourself have allowed her to get in the tub with either of you before. Sometimes Harry will be taking a relaxing bath and you'll kill two birds with one stone and have your daughter get a bath with him. Being only four months old, its still expectable for her to bath with her daddy. Or sometimes while you're taking a bath and Harry is watching her, she starts to scream and cry, needing or wanting you, so Harry has no other choice other than to bring her in the bathroom and allow you to comfort her to your warm, wet body.

Now in current time, you're in the bathtub with your naked daughter laying on your bare chest, just relaxing and cooing gentle words into her ears. It feels super nice to have all this skin to skin contact with her, but you're just praying she doesn't pee or poop in the tub. Maybe you should have kept her diaper on.

At first she was calm and relaxed, just staring off into the distance, but now she is grabbing at your boob wanting to be fed again. You reach down and position your nipple to her mouth and she laches on quickly. Your nipples are painfully sore from all the feedings you give her through-out the day, everyday. Harry has told you that you should start pumping and give your nipples a break but you can't seem to do that. Even though its quite painful each time she sucks, it's one of the best feeling to have a baby feed from you directly. That may not make much since to just anyone but you're sure other mums will understand.

While off in your own little world, you don't hear Harry come in the house. He finished for the day at the studio and came home to be with his loving family. First he questions where you two are. He walked in the kitchen to find it empty. Then he walks up the stairs and to the nursery to find it empty. Lastly he walks into your shared bedroom and it's empty as well. He starts to get worried until he hears a soft voice coming from the bathroom in your bedroom. He carries his sock covered feet to the bathroom door and gently pulls it open to see a pretty sight. You breastfeeding your daughter.

"Now we're feeding in the tub, are we?" Harry softly speaks with a content smile. He startles you at first but then you force yourself to relax so you don't disturb your baby.

"I needed a bath and had no one to watch her. Then she got hungry for the millionth time today. I actually think my nipples are going to fall off." you reply back and though you sound like you are joking, Harry could hear pain in your voice when you talked about your nipples falling off. He hates you're in pain.

"I'm sorry my love." he sincerely speaks while kneeling beside the tub to run a gentle hand over the babies back. He has always been infatuated with watching her feed from you. Not in a inappropriate way because they are the same boobs he loves to see jiggle when having sex but in a way where he's in total awe.

Seconds later your daughter spits out your nipple, so you ask Harry, "Could you maybe burp her and get her dressed for bed please, so I can properly wash myself."

Harry responds immediately with, "Of course darling. Anything for you." He bends forward to peck your lips and stands to grab a towel to wrap her small body in. He returns with a towel dedicated just for babies. It's made with thin, soft material so it won't be too rough on their skin. Then with the towel over his shoulder, he bends down to pick up her wet, naked body and lays her directly on his towel covered shoulder. She whines from the cold air but he shushes her. "Shhh my little love. It's alright." he whispers to her while wrapping the towel around her frame and begins to pat her back so she can burp. Before he steps out of the bathroom, he turns to you and says, "I'll be in her nursery. Yell out if you need me for anything."

"Okay." you comment back. As you began to wash your hair and body, all you can think about is how great of a husband and father Harry is. He never puts up fights when it comes to taking care of his daughter. It doesn't matter if it's 3:00 in the morning or while he's working. He'll always come to her aid or your aid for that matter.

Harry successfully burps her and lays her down on her changing table in the nursery. Before any accidents occur, he puts a clean diaper on her bum and finds some clean pjs to keep her body warm. "Alright. All done sweetheart." he tells his baby with a kiss on the cheek. Harry carries her with him to the kitchen, her face burred in his neck. She's awake but the warm bath and feeding did make her sleepy.

In the kitchen, Harry tries to decide what is best for dinner. He decides on a veggie pizza to pop in the oven, knowing you should agree with that choice. Right as the pizza goes into the pre heated oven, you come walking down the stairs in a loose fitting shirt and pajama shorts. "Feeling better?" Harry questions you with a dimply smile while soothingly rubbing your daughters back.

"Much. Thank you for getting her ready for bed." you tell your husband.

"You don't need to thank me. It's my job as much as it is yours. She 'our' baby." he responds.

You take your daughter from his hold and walk into the living room to feed her one last time before you put her to sleep. Harry takes the cooked pizza out the oven and plates you and him a slice. Then he makes his way to the living room, deciding you both can eat in there tonight so you're more comfortable. You eat and breastfeed at the same time, doing mummy multitasking. When Harry finishes eating, he takes your now sleeping baby girl from your hold and carries her to the nursery. Like every time before he leaves her room, he makes sure to lay a soft kiss on her head. Once all that is done, he comes back to you in the living room.

"Please use the pump for tonight. Your boobs need to rest and also that way I can get up to feed her through-out the night and let you get some proper sleep." Harry says to you as you're cuddle each other on the couch.

"But I'm scared if she uses a bottle that she won't want me again. She may realize the bottle is better than my nipples." you mumble in his neck.

"That's silly. Of course she'll want your breast again. You're her mother. She very much enjoys the bonding time with you when you breastfeed her but she's getting to the age to where she needs to have other options. In a month, she'll be able to try baby food. She'll still need your milk but just introducing solids to her diet." Harry calmly speaks while rubbing over your back in a calmly manner.

After a lot of convincing on Harrys part, you decided to try and pump for the first time. So you both stand from the couch and head to your bedroom. Harry grabs the milk pumper from your closet and you get comfortable on the bed. You take your shirt off and pull the covers to your waist. Then he brings the machine over to you and sets everything up. He helps you attach the pieces to each of your nipples, being very gentle knowing how painful they are. Once they are suctioned properly, he turns the machine on and asks, "Are you alright by yourself if I go take a shower? I promise I won't be long." You nod your head and Harry grabs a pair of clean boxers, than makes his way to the bathroom and began his showering.

When Harry returns from his quick shower, the two bottles that collect your milk are near about full. He helps you remove the suction cups and disconnects the bottles from the pump to place them in the fridge for later tonight. As he returns, he see's you standing in front of the huge mirror in your bathroom, just staring at your boobs. Specifically your nipples. Your nipples even look painful he thinks to himself. He walks up behind you, resting his chin on your shoulder and caresses your ribcage with his fingers, looking straight ahead at your body in the mirror. "Go lay in bed and I'll put some cream on them." he whispers in your ear.

You follow his instructions and exit the bathroom to get in bed. Harry grabs some cream and returns to you. "I'll be gentle." he says in his tired voice, straddling your lap. He dips his ring less fingers in the soothing cream and bends down. Cradling the sides of your boobs with one hand, he uses his other to rub the nipple itself. His movements are slow and if it was under other circumstances, you swear you would have just gotten turned on by his actions. He looks to be in extreme concentration and you can't help but feel happy. For the second time today, you realize how great Harry is to you and your baby.

Once Harry has covered both your nipples in the cream, he helps you put a bra on that has leaking pads in them, to prevent the ointment from making a mess on the beds covers. Then he goes to wash his hands and comes back to crawl into bed and snuggle with you. "Love you y/n." Harry whispers quietly.

"I love you too babe. And I know you said not to thank you earlier, but thank you. I'm grateful to have you in my life." you blindly reach up to kiss his lips and then shove your face into his neck, smelling the manly scent of his body wash.

Through-out that night, anytime your four mouth old daughter woke up needing a feeding, Harry got up and warmed a bottle from the fridge and sat in the rocker located in the corner of her nursery each time. She would curl up on his tattooed chest, sleepily drink the bottle, and he would rock back and forth, lightly singing to her in a sleep ridden voice. Then he burped her after each feeding and put her back to sleep comfortably in her crib. That night, you got the most uninterrupted sleep you've gotten since before she was born and its all thanks to your wonderful husband and baby daddy, Harry.

MASTERLIST & My Favorite Harry Styles Fics MASTERLIST

[spikesbimbo]

Pairing: ushijima x f!reader

Tags: housewife!reader, hurt/comfort, wall fucking, neglected reader, breeding kink, daddy kink, cockwarming

a/n: umm,... repost

Word count:1.2k

18+ Minors DNI

-

You'd never thought you'd be in this situation, going out of your way to get your husband's attention. To the point of wearing a cute little apron, barely there clothes, and purposely bending over in front of him while making you two dinner.

But something you should have expected was your husband not taking a hint, only being to understand with words. Leading him to say “are you feeling okay” immediately making you unsettled, why was it so hard for you to say what you wanted. How hard was it to tell your husband “hey i want your dick in me right now”. What man would say no to that?

Anxiety pooling up in you, letting the worse of the thoughts get into your head, thinking he doesn't want you because he's not attracted to you anymore, after 5 years of being together, two of them married. But what was going on in his head was him worrying if you were okay, never acting like this before, even having the audacity to put his hand on your head checking for a fever.

Tears start forming in your eyes, never feeling so belittled even though it was your fault, him rushing to cup your cheek thinking there was definitely something wrong with you, not knowing it was his, in your minds, fault.

“Are you okay love?” he softly says, which makes you fall apart, the tears from being so needy now running down your face.

He hesitates, not knowing what to do in this situation other than wipe the dramatic tears running down your face, causing you to feel even worse for making him put up with you like this. How selfish were you to act like this when your husband was working all day, proving for the both of you.

“Tell me what's wrong and i can fix it.” he said, always being reliable, taking responsibility into his own hands. That's one of the many things you loved about him, was that he would always take care of you, so why were you so afraid to say it? Was it the embarrassment of being this needy after not getting fucked for a week and half due to his team travelling? Acting like he was gone for a year at war or something.

All you had to do was ask. But you didn't want to burden him, today being the second day he's been home, still going to practice, but coming home to you every night. At this point you couldn't even get yourself off, crying quietly in the shower because “your fingers didn't feel the same as his”.

You turned your head up to his, looking him in the eyes, seeing him blurred but still being able to make out his handsome face. You try to build up to courage to tell him

“Have I been neglecting you?” he said, realizing the situation he had caused, that he let it get this far to the point where you were crying. “I'm sorry doll.” he continued, putting his lips on yours, working to fix the problem.

He moves you to the walk leaning you against it, you pushing deeper into the kiss, him deciding that you needed it here, right now. He moves one of his hands from your face down to your ass, breaking the kiss looking you in the eyes to see if you were sure that you wanted this, another thing you loved about him, always being a gentleman.

You respond by dragging him back in, nodding into the kiss, not wanting him to see your face be even more of a mess.

“please...daddy~” you moan out after he puts his thigh in between your legs, rubbing it how he knows you like.

“I got you love.” he says following through, as always. Pulling down those little shorts, that he was trying to control himself around, not realizing the reason you were doing it. Him not trying to hold back his groan seeing you weren't wearing any panties feeling how wet you were, fuck he messed up.

He remembers everything you tell him, from saying how he should make more noise when you to fuck, the complete silence being awkward, to you confessing your fantasies that he gladly went along with, as a good husband should.

“Please…” you start again grinding onto his clothed cock, drenching his shorts in your wetness. He moved his hand to your clit to which you shook your head in protest, not needing any prep just needing him inside you.

Luckily he wasn't as dense to your actions when you two were intimate, learning your body language quickly, understanding what you needed. He made his actions match his thoughts by dropping his shorts, freezing his cock, mouthwateringly hard, you whining at the sight of it.

He pushed you against the wall picking you up by your thighs, spreading them far apart enough to where he could fit in, not even needing to shove his way in due to your state.

“Fuck honey.” he groaned settling himself in you, your walls spasming around him ducking your head into his schedule, embarrassed that you already came from him just being inside you, something you loved so much, even him letting you keep it in you after you two finished.

He started thrusting into you, not being able to control himself after seeing you act like that. "you must've really needed me hmm?” he asks fucking you to the point where you couldn’t even respond if you wanted to, his cock focing its way into your cervix, making you gasp between your moans and whines.

“L-love you daddy” you whimper out, not wanting him to feel bad, continuing by pulling him in for a kiss, leaving you in a makeshift mating press, your legs being pushed up as far as they could so you could kiss him. Him reaching further, if even possible, into you.

“Mm sorry love, i won't leave you alone ever again” he stated, your foreheads barely touching, his sweat dripping onto your apron that was still on. The sight of him being so fucked out, making you clench around him.

“Fuck” he groans filling you up, after you mowhined out for him to cum in you,  some of it escaping and dripping onto the floor, you following soon after seeing how worked up he got making you not even need to be touched anywhere else.

He continued thrusting into you after a short minute, wanting to please you, a physical way of saying i'm sorry. “Gonna give you a baby, then you won't be lonely anymore.” he groaned fucking his cum into you. You crying out at the thought, wanting him to stuff you even more full.

“please, please! ple-” you tried to say, coming out distorted, but he could read you. Him continuing leaning back to make you more comfortable, your legs haphazardly wrapped around his waist. Him abiding to your needs by cumming in you multiple times, while making you do the same.

You two sat on the table where the food you were making was sitting, now cold as hours went by, him not pulling out of you wondering if he was serious about what he said.

“toshi” you croaked out, your voice being long gone. “Can we wash up, i'm kinda hungry.” You asked, planning to get him to fuck you after you ate.

“Yeah love.” he said picking you up, still not pulling out for the sake of your sanity, and carrying you two to the bathroom where he would have a long drawn out talk with you, as always.

© all content belongs to spikesbimbo. do not alter or repost .

[ladydeznutz]

When He Loved Me (Peter Parker x Reader)

A/N: My first fic and it's angst that came into my head around 3am. I've always wanted to write fics, but I didn't like how I wrote and I was embarrassed. First time writing for others so I tried to keep away from using just she/her pronouns, but if that's what you'd like just lemme know

I can write for other fandoms, and imma make a list of the fandoms I like bc I have so many I forget. I'll also add some other things if it interests me. Not comfortable with nsfw just yet so apologies. Anyways, enjoy the fic ig and please give me criticism if you see something wrong

idk how tumblr works with spacing and all that so hopefully this comes decent looking

Prompt: Please, don't leave me.

TW: S**cide mention

Every day had started to feel the same to you for a while now.

It started when he began missing date nights with you. He was always so excited about them, and then they were happening less and less often. You still saw him on occasion, but it felt more like "business" than anything else.

You didn't get the same giddy feeling you used to get when you'd see him; it felt like going out with him was more of a chore. You couldn't even complain to him about it even if you wanted to. Anytime you did see him long enough, he was always gone within a second, always in a rush. You never knew what he even did with himself or if he was thinking about you at all.

It definitely didn't help that you'd always catch him hanging out with his friends. You confronted Ned about it, but he was always so dismissive. Hell, you had even talked to Michelle about the whole thing. At first, she sympathized, but then it was as if a switch was flipped. You used to go to her to vent about Peter and the relationship. Now, she was practically telling you that you were overreacting.

----

You felt like you were going to have a mental breakdown.

Learning about a loved one's passing is always one of the hardest things for anyone to deal with, especially when it's someone you deeply care about.

You had just received the news that your best friend had killed himself a couple of hours ago.

You didn't know how to feel.

You couldn't wrap your head around it. There was no warning.

You and he had been friends since childhood, and you knew each other so well that neither one of you could even remember a time when the other wasn't around.

Your hands shook as you picked up the phone to call Peter. Your tears finally fell as you listened to the constant ringing of the phone, and you knew he wasn't going to answer. Rage grew within you as you heard his voicemail message causing you to throw your phone across the room. It crashed into the wall and broke, but you didn't pay any mind to it as you fell to the ground and let out a wailed sob.

Why did this have to happen?

You could barely catch your breath between sobs.

Your body shook.

You didn't care about anything anymore.

You didn't care about Peter anymore.

----

Weeks had passed, and Peter was exhausted.

Tracking down a gang, taking them down, and meeting another Spider-Man had just been a lot for him to take in. He was so tired, he didn't even want to think about it anymore. His back ached as he climbed through his window.

He was just so damned tired.

He stripped out of his suit, took off his web-shooters, and placed them back in his closet. Then, he took a quick shower.

His job was a bit easier to have Ned and MJ know he was Spider-Man. Now he just had to tell you.

Peter stood in the middle of the room and weighed out what would happen. He felt sorry for lying to you, and he knew that he was being distant. He just didn't have the courage to deal with any of it because he was worried about you. He couldn't lose you too.

As Peter lied down to finally get some rest, he wondered how you were doing. Karen had said you tried calling him, but he couldn't answer he had been in the middle of a stakeout.

He got up and rummaged through his book bag to get his phone, turning it on to scroll through his messages. He sat up as he realized how many he had gotten. Had something happened?

As he scrolled through, his heart broke. So many people had posted about the loss of Jay and were gossiping about why he did it. When he finally went through them all, he looked at your one missed call and gulped.

You had called him that day, and he didn't pick up.

He clicked the voice mail and listened to the message. All that he could hear were your pained sniffles, a shout, and then the line cut off.

He felt sick as he replayed the message.

Peter already felt awful about lying to you; he had to fix this. He quickly texted you, put his web-shooters back on, and was ut the window.

He knew the way to your house, so it took him no time to et there. As he was getting ready to knock on your window, he did a double-take and took a closer look.

Someone was sitting in your room; it looked like he had been waiting for you. Peter quirked an eyebrow as he looked at the guy. He was wearing a red and green jacket with shorts and sneakers. He also looked like he was wearing tights?

Suddenly, you walked into the room, so Peter backed away from the window to hide in the shadows. You seemed to be upset as you were wiping your eyes quite a bit.

"I'm sorry Miles. I didn't think I'd start crying like that," you said as you sat on your bed.

"Hey, it's okay," he replied as he stood up and moved closer to you. You sniffled as you tried to regain your composure. Peter didn't quite know how to react. Who was this? What was going on?

"I just...he..." you groan out in frustration as you grip your hair. Miles' eyes widen as he sees tears start flowing from your eyes again.

"You wanna talk about it?" he asks as he wraps an arm around your shoulders. You shrug as you shake your head.

"It's complicated, and besides, that's what our therapy's for" you chuckle dryly. Miles' eyes wander the room as he tries to think of something to do to cheer you up. "How 'bout we go out tonight?" he suggests.

"I don't like the tone of that voice" you sass as you turn to give him a look. Peter watches Miles turn around, and his eyes widen. Miles was wearing a suit, a Spider-Man suit. The same Spider-Man he saw the other week.

"Any place you wanna go to, we'll go" he adds with a cheeky smile. "Really? You're not busy?" You cross your arms as you stare him down.

"Nah, night's been quiet. Besides, I might be busy tomorrow, then you'd miss your favorite person in the world" he winks as you begin to smile. Peter's heart sank as he realized what was happening. He thwipped a web to the building across from yours and sat down on the edge of the roof. Pulling out his phone, he sent you a text.

Can we talk tomorrow?

Giggling could be heard from across the street. Peter looked up and bit his lip as you glanced at your phone and threw it on your bed. You got onto Miles' back, and you both swung away.

----

After you tried calling Peter that day, you stopped reaching out to him altogether. You decided that you'd wait to talk to him until he finally realized you weren't there. It had been about five weeks, and in those five weeks, you had gone to therapy and counseling.

You met Miles in counseling. He was sweet but seemed to get off topic a lot. When you were getting ready to leave one session, he had come up to you, put his hand on your shoulder, and let out a simple "Hey." One thing led to another, and you had both bonded over your losses. You went to Miles' uncle's funeral, and he went to Jay's funeral with you.

You were currently sitting on a swing at the playground as you waited for Peter. It was taking him forever to show, and at this point, you wanted to get this whole conversation over with.

Frowning, you looked around, wondering why he was taking so long. He should've been here by now. Maybe he decided not to come after all.

When that thought crossed your mind, you scoffed and stood up. Before you could go anywhere, however, you felt someone gently grab your hand. Looking back, you saw Peter staring at you with a small smile on his face.

"You came."

"Of course I did"

Peter pulls you towards him and wraps his arms around you. You take a deep breath as you stare off towards the slide. He pulls away when he realizes you're not hugging him back. The both of you pull away awkwardly as you look at each other.

"Peter-" "(Y/N)-" both of you speak at the same time.

"I- I have o tell you something" he starts with a stutter. You wait patiently as you motion for him to continue. "I know th-that I've been....not here for you for a while-" he cuts himself off when he hears you scoff.

"I.....I had these things, and I should've told you as soon as we started dating, and I'm sorry. I know I've been an asshole, more than that actually" you roll your eyes and shake your head as he continues.

"I just.....I love you, and I want you to know that even though I don't show it a lot" he finishes as he rubs the back of his head nervously.

The good thing about coming to this park was that there was usually no one here, and you were glad no one was here right now because boy were you fuming. "Told me about what Parker?" Your hand goes to your hip as you glare at him.

"W-Well....uhm......that guy that you talk to.......I'm like him I guess. Spider-Man." Your eyes widen when you hear the first part. "How the hell do you know I've been talking to someone?"

Peter stumbles with his words as he realizes he's been caught red-handed, "Uh...I was gonna visit yesterday, and I kinda....saw you..talking to him....." You narrow your eyes as you pick up a stick and throw it at him. He ducked before he could get hit, but you were already in his face.

"You were spying on me?!"

"I-I wasn't trying to! I was just-"

"Christ Peter!" All this time of you not being here, and now all of a sudden you just wanna show up out of nowhere because of what?! Jay?! Is that why you're finally talking to me?!" Panic stirs in Peter's eyes as he tries to come up with an excuse.

"I tried so hard to get you to talk to me, and you only wanna talk now because of that shit?! Peter, I can't do this shit with you anymore. I don't care if you're Spider-Man; what was the point of not telling me in the first place?! We live in New York for God's sake!!"

Your face is red as you frustratingly wipe away your tears with your forearm. Peter stays silent as he watches you; he can't say anything right now because you've hit the nail on the head.

"Y-You know what, fuck this. I can't do this shit any-anymore, Peter. But please tel-tell me; w-what did I do wrong? I di-did my best to keep both of us h-h-happy. Please, just tell me what I did wr-wrong." Your words are barely recognizable as you hold yourself to keep you're shaking body still.

Peter steps forward, but instead of stopping him like he thought you would, he cups your face gently as he looks into your eyes.

"(Y/N).....I'm so sorry I made you think this was all your fault. You did make me happy; you still do. I just...I've been so busy being Spider-man that I've neglected you, and I'm sorry for that. But I do still love you, (Y/N). I swear I'll stop doing everything just for you. I-I'll give up being Spider-Man."

You watch him unravel as he keeps talking. You can't bring yourself to care, however, as he spills his heart out. Too much disappointment has built up over the months.

"Pete...."

"Please......(Y/N), just give me another chance. I'll do anything, just please, don't leave me." His voice is soft and insecure as he begs you, almost quivering as he says it. It doesn't invoke any sort of feeling in you though. His sad eyes watch as you pull away from him,

"I'm sorry Peter" you whisper softly as you turn around and walk away.

He doesn't run after you or even shout.

Peter simply watches you walk away until you're out of view. The only thing he can hear is your footsteps as they fade into the distance.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N: Alright so...this whole thing was based on how I could see him being Spider-Man in the beginning ig? Imo I feel like between him and Miles, the latter would be the first to tell you he's Spider-Man

And I always felt like him being away like that with no real reason would make an s/o feel like it's their fault or sumn. Like, I've always seen fics where he and the reader always make up about it, but I wanted to try the bad ending where even though he had good intentions, he's just not ready to handle being a hero, student, and partner.

[emeralddaydream]

𝙺𝚒𝚝 𝚃𝚊𝚔𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝙲𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚘𝚏 𝚈𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚂𝚒𝚌𝚔 𝙲𝚑𝚒𝚕𝚍

Kit x Fem!Reader

A/N: So, this wasn't what I'd planned on posting next, but I've been going through some things, and my brain has just not been cooperating. Sigh. But, I've been in a very dad!character mood lately, so I thought I'd give y'all some more of my take on dad!Kit bc I love him💜 I hope you like it!!

Your daughter’s only seven months old when she gets ill for the first time.

Being that you and Kit are both first-time parents, the entire experience is beyond overwhelming.

You're awoken in the morning, not long after Kit leaves for work, to the sound of her cries. She doesn't stop for hours, eventually tiring herself out enough to fall asleep.

While she’s down, you decide to make a quick phone-call to Kit.

You don’t call him at work very often, but you're worried; you hate seeing your baby so upset.

“Hey, sugar.” Kit presses the phone into his shoulder so that he can wipe some grease on his pants, before taking the receiver in his hands again. “What’s up?”

“Kit, it’s Y/D/N.” You’re pacing back and forth in the kitchen, tugging at the phone cord anxiously. “I think something’s wrong.”

“What do you mean?” Kit does his best to hide the alarm in his voice, but you're not fooled.

“She’s had a cough since this morning, wouldn't stop crying, I've never seen her like this... She’s finally asleep now, but I took her temperature before putting her down, and she’s definitely got a fever.” You’re trying hard to keep your tears at bay, but your bottom lip is quivering, panic beginning to set in. “What do I do?”

“Grab your jacket.” You hear Kit pull away from the phone for a moment, hear his muffled words as he speaks to someone. “Y/N? I’ll be there in ten minutes to pick you up. We’ll take her to the hospital.”

The baby wakes as soon as you pick her up from her crib, whimpering and whining the entire ride to the hospital.

Kit does his best to comfort her while also paying attention to the rode. He tells her over and over again that everything's going to be okay, occasionally reaching a hand out to stroke her pudgy little arms.

As soon as you arrive a the hospital, the baby's reaching for Kit, and he happily takes her in his arms as the three of you are led to a private room where you're told that a nurse will be with you shortly.

Kit leans back one of the chairs in the corner, the baby resting against his chest, looking up at her father with beautiful brown eyes that match his own.

While Kit has a hushed conversation with the baby, you move to a small shelf against the wall, grabbing a few of picture books before returning to your seat.

After the nurse arrives to take the baby's vitals, the two of you take turns reading to her while you await the doctor.

She really doesn't have any idea what either of you are saying, but is engaged all the same, simply enjoying the sounds of your voices, even letting out a few strained giggles of her own.

By the time Kit finishes the third book, her eyes are drooping, and she's nearly asleep again when the doctor knocks softly, before opening the door.

It doesn't take him long at all to figure out what the issue is; your baby has gotten her first cold.

You let out a relieved sigh at the diagnosis, knowing that this will at least be an easy fix, and that as long as you follow doctor's orders, your little one should be feeling better in no time.

When you arrive back home, the baby's more than ready to eat so you feed her and give her a quick bath before handing her off to Kit, who changes her into a cozy pair of pajamas.

You take the opportunity to take a quick shower of your own, and when you make your way back into your daughter's room, your heart nearly melts.

"Well, what do we have here?" you ask, stepping quietly over to the rocking chair where Kit sits, your daughter in his arms. She smiles sleepily as he hums soothing tunes in her ear.

"We're waitin' for you to come say goodnight, momma," he smiles, pressing a kiss to your cheek when you lean down to grab onto her tiny hand.

"Goodnight, sweetheart. I love you," you whisper, reaching out to move to some hair that's fallen onto her forehead, quickly noticing the change in her temperature. "Her fever's gone down." You sigh in relief as Kit yawns, running a hand gently along her back as her eyelids get heavier. "Maybe she'll feel better in the morning."

"I hope so. I hated seeing her so upset today." He recalls how upset she'd been when he'd picked the two of you up this afternoon, a frown on his face.

"You did such a good job taking care of her, though You always do." You smile at the sound of your daughter's gentle snores, her little face burrowing into Kit's neck. "You really are the best dad, you know that?"

"And you're the best mom," he replies, pressing a loving kiss to your lips before carefully lifting himself from the chair so that he lay the baby down. As the two of you stand there, watching the little angel, Kit's hand pressed against yours on the railing of her crib, you're overcome with a sense of adoration for the both of them; you're thankful to whatever or whoever decided to bless you with the perfect little family.

taglist: @americxn, @kitwalker64, @elaineygrace, @milly-louise, @liandav, @therenlover, @tatestripedsweater, @kitwalker02, @undeadcortez, @sallyscigarettes, @xmaximoffic, @samsassinparvismagna, @billyhxrgrove, @mossybank, @slightlyvicked, @ronswansonsburntoffeyebrows, @spider-starry, @divinerulerluvr, @ikkleroniekins, @auricgold, @sanni333 (please fill out this form if you'd like to be added/removed here)

[i-have-a-wonky-eye-too]

One Night...

This is part 2 to One Night 12 Days Ago...

WARNINGS: Fluff, 18+ readers, smut, oral (f-receiving), unprotected sex, breast play, breastfeeding kink? Daddy!Bucky, Papa!Bucky, self loathing, own body shame, body worship

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bucky ignored the princess tiara that was sat on his head thanks to Morgan making him wear it (along with Sam and Steve), and focused on you and his little girl. Even though she was here and almost four months old, Bucky still couldn't believe she was actually real and all his and yours. She was perfect. You, we're perfect.

"Buck, you listening?" Steve nudged his friend.

Bucky blinked and tore his gaze away from you as you fed his daughter. "Hmm?"

"Course he ain't listening. Look at him, all lovesick puppy, drooling over his baby's mama." Sam teased before taking a swig of his beer.

Bucky let out a heavy sigh making both men laugh at him.

"Ignore him, Buck, he's just jealous." Steve smiled and put his hand on Bucky's shoulder. "How is fatherhood treating you?"

Bucky's lips stretched out into a giant grin. "It's great."

He really loved being a dad. The past year had been a roller-coaster of emotions, but Bucky didn't regret his decision he made that day you told him.

"And how's the new house coming along? Y/N said you've been working hard." Steve smiled, although he was a little disheartened he hadn't had the time recently to help you and Bucky out.

"Almost finished." Bucky grinned, "Just got the master bedroom and guest room to redecorate and then that's the whole house."

"Then you've got the yard to start." Sam reminded.

Bucky nodded, "Yeah... Gonna need all the help I can get with that." He chuckled.

"I've got some time off coming up, Bucky. I'll come visit you guys and help out." Steve smiled proudly at his best friend.

"Me too." Sam offered, "Plus, we could always get Groot to help out." The three men burst out laughing together.

"... It's our one year anniversary tomorrow," Bucky smiled. "I'm gonna-"

A high pitched wail cut Bucky off and put him on high alert. "Oh, baby," You cooed softly as your little girl began crying. You stood up, rocking your daughter as big fat tears rolled down her cheeks. "Are those nasty teeth bugging you again." You spoke softly, "Shall we get papa to help? Hmm?"

Bucky's heart broke, "Duty calls." Bucky quickly jogged over to where you were. "Papa's here, princess," Bucky scooped his little girl up, kissing her little cheek softly before letting her suckle softly on his left index finger.

Who would have thought the hand Bucky was so scared of for all those years, would be the only thing to bring his little girl comfort.

Steve and Sam watched from afar, shaking their heads as they drank their beer.

"Ugh, it's sickening, isn't it?" Sam smirked.

Steve nodded and smiled to himself as he watched Bucky calm your daughter down like a pro. "Disgusting really."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pepper was looking after your little girl, Bucky was downstairs cooking your anniversary meal whilst you were stood in front of your floor length mirror frowning.

All day you'd been excited for tonight, you'd even bought yourself a new dress. But then you put it on and began to doubt the decision because of the way you felt you looked. Bucky was a fool to be with you. Not that he had any choice. He'd be better off with someone different. God, you hated yourself.

"Why are you crying?"

You looked up from your reflection and met Bucky's eyes in the mirror, surprised by his presence. "Oh, hormones-"

"Don't." Bucky sighed as he stepped into your shared bedroom. "I know when you're lying, Y/N." He frowned softly at you as he came up behind you. He rested his hands on your hips and rested his chin on your shoulder. "You look beautiful." He whispered.

"I don't have any make up on yet, Buck." You scoffed and stepped out of his hold.

Bucky frowned, "You don't need it."

You scoffed again. "Right. Cause bags under the eyes is such a sexy look. Not that you'd know," You muttered.

"You don't have bags, Y/N. And, you never answered my question."

"It doesn't matter." You whispered, sitting down on your side of the bed.

"It does. If something has upset you, tell me, I can fix it and make it better." He smiled softly at you.

You shook your head, "You can't fix me, so... Just forget it."

Bucky stared at you with his mouth gaped. "Fix you? What are you talking about? You don't need to be fixed."

"Yes I do." You looked up at him. "My body has changed, it's saged and stretched and... I'm not, like you. I'm getting old..."

"You're still beautiful, Y/N. And, you're body changed because it was growing our little girl. It changed for the better. And, you haven't saged..." Bucky smiled as he walked up to you. He reached down and pulled you up onto your feet. He pinched your chin and lifted your face to look at him. "You're still the same woman I fell in love with."

Before any words could pass your lips Bucky kissed you deeply. Your hands moved up his sides and up to his shoulders, hugging him closer to you as Bucky held your face close to his.

"Let me show you," Bucky whispered against your lips. "Like you showed me, when I would feel down..." Bucky kissed you softly. "Let me love you..." He trailed his lips across your jaw and down the side of your neck, smirking against your skin as you let out a breathy moans, "... Like you love me."

"Yes," You crashed your mouth against his in a heavy kiss, pulling at his shirt.

You worked together to undress one another, your lips and teeth leaving trails across each other's skin with soft praises.

Bucky let out a soft moan as he knelt back from you, his hands sliding up your thighs as he took in your naked body underneath him. "I've missed you, baby," He leaned over and pressed a light kiss to your right hip and then your left before pressing one to the stretch marks just to the side of your belly button. "Your so beautiful... Even more than before... My sexy... Mama," Bucky smirked, kissing everywhere he could.

You let out a small giggle, pushing on his forehead to get him to stop. "Bucky, I need you... Please."

Bucky smirked as he leaned over you, "Gotta let daddy have a taste first, baby."

You let out a low moan and nodded as you bit your bottom lip.

Bucky moved back down your bottom. Lightly flicking his tongue over your nipples as he fif, smirking as you mewled and gasped at the sensation. He trailed his lips down your body until he came to your thighs. He lifted your legs and put them over his shoulders brfitr he dived right in.

"Fuck!" You cried out as Bucky devoured your cunt.

Bucky wasn't lying when he said he'd missed you. Since you'd given birth to your baby girl had been born, you'd put a wall up around yourself. You hardly showed your beautiful body off any more. He missed being intimate with you, and not just because the sex was always great. He missed showering or bathing with you. He missed laying around naked in bed doing nothing, laughing and making jokes, or walking around in your underwear as you talked first thing on a morning. He missed massaging your sore feet or painting your toe nails for you because you couldn't bend down to do them. He even missed when you did his that one time. He missed just being close to you.

You whined pushing yourself up on your elbows when Bucky pulled back just before you came.

Bucky chuckled as he pushed himself up. "What? You thought I was gonna let you cum just like that?" He winked.

"Tease," You pouted.

Bucky crawled over you until he came eye to eye with you. "Like you don't tease me." He grinned down at you and pressed a kiss to your lips.

"Please... Bucky," You breathed heavily as Bu KY trailed his lips down your throat.

Bucky smirked against you, "Think you're ready, baby? Shouldn't I open you up?"

"Just fuck me, Bucky," You moaned deeply as he lightly bit your shoulder. "Please."

Bucky crashed his his lips hard against yours as he slipped his cock through your slick pussy. You both moaned softly, hands holding each other closer.

You let out a long drawn out moan as Bucky slowly pushed the head of his cock inside your pussy.

"Fuck," You both moaned together.

You tightened your arms around Bucky's body, pulling him closer as he rolled his hips, pushing his cock deeper. Your nails dug into Bucky's back, leaving behind half moon crests.

"Fuck," Bucky panted, "Baby, you feel so good," He ran his nose along the length of your neck.

Your eyes rolled back as Bucky lightly bit your neck and lathered his tongue over the marks. You let out a soft gasp as you felt something wet smudge against Bucky's chest. "Buck, I'm-"

"Shit," Bucky pulled back and looked down to your chest. White droplets pebbled from your nipples. "Oh, baby," He whispered before he bent down and began to softly lick at your left nipple, moaning at the sweet taste of your milk. "... So... Good,"

You muttered and whimpered, wrapping your legs around Bucky's waist as he drove his hips harder into you. "Yes! Oh," Your eyes screwed shut as tingles ran across your skin. "Oh god, yes... Yes!" Your body spasmed as your toes curled and your orgasm ran through your body.

Bucky's stilled as he followed, breathing heavily against your neck and he squeezed your body against his. "Fuck," He kissed your shoulder softly and repeatedly. Bucky slowly and carefully pulled out of you as not to hurt your sensitive body and rolled over onto his side. "I-"

The scent of something burning hit your nostrils. "Did you leave the oven-" Before you could finish the sound of the fire alarm cut you off.

"Oh, fuck!" Bucky quickly jumped out of bed, quickly grabbing his pants as he ran out the door.

You let out an amused giggle, slowly and carefully getting out of bed. You'd missed your body feeling this way. You missed being with Bucky.

"What the?" Your toes touched something as your feet touched the floor. You frowned softly at the small box on the floor.

Bucky huffed angrily as he slammed the burnt chicken down on the side. Everything was going perfect. "Damn it!"

"Bucky,"

"I'm sorry, baby, I fucked up." He sighed deeply and leaned against the counter so his back was to you. "What shall we do? Take out? Or, make a sandwich?" He huffed out a laugh before letting out a frustrated sigh.

You sighed softly, "Buck," You whispered, slowly walking around the counter until you came up behind him. "You didn't fuck up," You gently trailed your hands around Bucky's waist and over his toned stomach. "You got carried away." You giggled, pressing your lips against Bucky's naked back.

Bucky sighed. "M'sorry, doll, I wanted it to be special." He reached up with his flesh hand and took yours as they settled on his pecks.

You smiled against his back. "It is." You tapped your left hand against his chest. "See? I love you too, Bucky."

Bucky frowned and looked down. His eyes widened as he they landed on your ring finger. "God damn it," He groaned and took your left hand in his metal fingers. He looked over his shoulder and smirked at you. "We've still got dessert..."

[itstheelvenjedi]

It's Disability Wrath month so here is my Wrath, fuckers

Long, ranty and angry post about disability rights below the cut. If you're too sensitive to listen to disabled people being angry about being treated like shit then move along because I will NOT coddle you. Have a nice day and don't let the door bitch slap you in the ass on your way out 🤡👋

Welcome to the UK, where if you claim to be disabled you have to be "uwu wittol bwabey who can't do anythwing for mwyself awww", if you can do anything else including bullshit like:

-be young and disabled. Cause the two things are mutually exclusive and there is absolutely positively NO WAY you can be born with a congenital (aka "from birth") incurable (aka no amount of medical treatment or "positive thinking uwu" is going to "fix" what is wrong with me and magically make me NOT disabled! But thinks like opioid pain meds that make it so i can grit my teeth through the pain ENOUGH to limp around with a mobility aid can give me SOME quality of life) condition. Don't you know that only happens to old people??

-stand up, even if you're in agony while doing so and need a mobility aid to move around for a distance greater than idk like 10 meters or whatever. The "meaasurements" are arbitrary and change whenever the powers that be feel like they're spending too much money on the cripples and r*****s ;)

-but you're not in real agony because if you WERE you'd be crying and screaming 24/7, but if you cry and scream and complain TOO much about being in pain you're "dramatic" and "faking it for attention" ( "you have no proof of that, its an exaggeration and the real world doesnt do tha-" ok Janice, we won't talk about the time I was admitted to a hospital, denied my regular pain meds because "I'm only 21 and I'm too young to be on opioids" and then HANDCUFFED TO A BED AND LOCKED IN A CLOSET because I was in so much pain that I HAD A MENTAL BREAKDOWN and was "making noise that was scawing other pweople uwu" cause none of y'all ableds are ready to have that conversation. Fact.)

-limp to the toilet to go potty, again despite being in utter agony the entire time, and sit/ stand even if you have to have BARS all over the bathroom that you can use to PHYSICALLY PULL yourself up or you COULDNT DO IT. but you can still wipe your own ass so it's not that bad and you're exaggerating just to get free money

-expect your prescriptions to be refilled in the time frame you were told they would be. What do you MEAN you want your meds because you've run out? Just don't think about the pain!! Take some OTC painkillers and wait an extra month till we feel like it! What do you mean you can't walk or eat without your regular medication to ensure your body doesn't literally stop you from doing basic human tasks??? LIES

-put food in your mouth. Even IF you drop it all over yourself and/or the floor 5+ times before it gets in there cause you got it there in the end so stop whining

-expect to live in peace in your own fucking home and not be attacked and assaulted by able-bodied men who had no business getting in your personal space cause you never said a bad word to them or cared what they were doing till you ALMOST GOT MURDERED IN YOUR OWN HOME. TWICE. just call the police!! It's what they're for!!

-but the police officers that get there care more about the able bodied men's rights to infringe on YOURS so stop being a snitch OK? Just mind your business. Don't exist in your own home cause that's asking to be assaulted cause you're there and vulnerable what do you expect???

-Additionally, What do you MEAN you close your curtains at 3pm in the afternoon because they stand outside filming you with their phones against your consent??? Open the window and take photographic evidence or it didn't happen and you're a neurotic, lying woman who just wants to give "good harmless men uwu" additions to their ALREADY EXTENSIVE CRIMINAL RECORDS

-take a shower on your own, but only if we provide the equipment and facilities which we TELL you we will do, to trap you into a lease, but then remind you that that shits too expensive and you'll just have to manage with a bathtub even if you can't: sit, stand, stretch your legs out, DON'T stretch your legs out, sneeze, walk, run, or breathe without dislocating your hip, you're overreacting it's just a little step it's not that bad 🤗

-have a rash because we'll only give you the bare minimum of care and therefore only allow you to bathe once a week because you physically can't do it on your own with the piss poor equipment we "generously" (read: cheaply and not at all adequately) provided you with. If you were less lazy and better at pacing yourself to do one little wash a day you could bathe on your own, don't be ungrateful

AND if any of the above is true, congrats!! You are officially "faking it and not really disabled" so your status as a disabled person MUST be rigorously questioned EVERY 2-3 YEARS to STOP FRAUD AGAINST THE GOVERNMENT who are "only trying to help you" and you should FEEL BAD for feeling suicidal after ALL the help we gave you. Ungrateful snowflake

(This last paragraph is blatant, fury-charged sarcasm BTW. Everything else, sadly, is NOT. These are all real things that have been said and done to me as a physically AND mentally disabled person in our GLORIOUS (/s) land of Gd Save the Qn)

Able-bodied people can reblog but if you act like a clown I will take your fucking kneecaps out with my cane. I'm done being nice about this.

Other disabled people are welcome to add on to this with their own stories, even if nothing else ever comes from this post except that you get to scream in frustration to someone who hears you and GETS IT. I'm here, my brothers and sisters and siblings of non-binary or other more complicated gender identities. I see you, I hear you, and I'm angry that you're being treated so badly too.

[julemmaes]

Honey - part three

Elide Lochan x Lorcan Salvaterre roommates au

A/N: famous last words: I can finish this is in two hours. six hours laters and I feel like I’ve been beaten up by a gang of bigass old faes if you know what I mean.

IT CONTAINS SMUT, not suited for readers under 18

Please be kind I fucking hate my smut, if it’s disgusting just don’t comment on it cause I could hit my head on the wall several times

masterlist

Word count: 7,519

Aelin's scream was like a stab to the brain, "Get up you nasty little bitch!"

"Ace! Why don't you try with sweet Ellie?" retorted Lysandra.

Elide didn't even have the strength to open her eyes or move from the fetal position she was in, curled up with a pillow pushed so hard against her belly that she wouldn't have been surprised if it had somehow damaged her internal organs, "Please leave."

The two didn't seem to hear her.

"Sweet?" Aelin huffed, "But you did see her last night, right?"

Elide opened one eye, seeing that they had both sat down at the end of the bed. She felt the cracks tugging at her eyelid and grunted, pressing her face into the pillow. She wanted to die. And she wanted Manon to come and free her from those two supposed friends who she knew were about to remind her of her misadventures.

"Except for what happened before we left," Aelin winked, placing a hand on her foot. Elide withdrew it, not wanting to feel physical touch of any kind at that moment. "I would have been willing to break up with Rowan so I could get between Kyllian and you, honestly."

Elide grunted again, her voice muffled by the pillow. "I'm begging you girls, you need to get out before I throw up again."

And it was true, she would throw up if they didn't stop talking. Plus, Elide didn't care in the slightest what the drunk her had done. She hated her so much.

Lysandra giggled and she felt it as she climbed between the covers until she was settled next to her on the pillows, "Between her and Lorcan though, no?"

The cry of disgust that erupted from Aelin and the all too loud laugh from the other didn't make Elide register the words right away, but as soon as she realised what they had said, her stomach began to twist and turn, and not like when Lorcan accidentally brushed her hand or when he put his hand on her thigh during movie nights. Oh no.

With a movement she didn't know she had the physical skills to make, she shifted the covers off her body and launched herself into the hallway, slamming her hand against the bathroom door and throwing herself to the floor in front of the toilet before the highly concentrated alcoholic contents in her stomach spilled onto the floor.

As she vomited and Lysandra tied up her hair, massaging her back, Elide felt her heart break slowly. She wanted to turn around, to ask Aelin what had happened, or maybe not. She groaned as another gag shook her body and her eyes filled with tears once more as she puked what could only be alcohol.

"How do you still have stuff in your stomach?" muttered Aelin from outside the bathroom door.

Elide didn't blame her, vomit was disgusting and she was particularly sensitive to the sound of gagging. The only reason Lysandra wasn't the least bit uncomfortable was her younger sister Evangeline, who she had practically raised without anyone's help. Whatever came out of a person's body, their friend had already seen it in all shapes and colours.

Elide cursed herself for thinking such a thing while she was bent over the toilet throwing up, because it pushed her over the edge one more time and a sob wracked her body, "Fuck-" she managed to mutter between spits.

"I thought you weren't going to barf any more after last night," Lys said, continuing to rub her back.

"True," Aelin mumbled a little louder, "did you keep drinking after?"

Elide managed to turn her head towards the door, seeing that her friend was sitting on the floor just outside the bathroom. She grimaced as a gust of air that smelled like vomit reached her nose, "After what?"

"You and Lorcan left after you threw up," Lys explained to her. Elide didn't bother turning towards her, she didn't have the energy, "And you threw up so much Ellie, everywhere. It's weird that you have anything else to reject."

It wasn't weird at all considering the only thing Elide remembered was the amounts of alcohol she had ingested. She'd started just before seven with straight tequila, desperate to see how indifferent people were to the biggest catastrophic problems in human history, and everyone knew she couldn't handle alcohol even in small amounts. But Elide was also known to be the type who could drink for hours without ever feeling sick, if she now found herself bent over the toilet the next morning, it meant she had gone too far.

"I don't remember anything."

"It's okay, don't worry about it," Aelin said and Elide felt a shiver run through her body at the hint of mischief in her voice. She braced herself mentally to hear how much she'd actually whored out the night before, "We're here to fix the memory loss."

Lysandra made a disgusted noise as Elide flushed the toilet and the water stirred underneath them, but she patted her shoulders and pulled herself up, "You need to take a shower first though. Because you smell like death."

"Geez, thanks," Elide murmured as she began to undress.

The grin that appeared on Aelin's face made her hands freeze around the hem of her shirt. The other arched an eyebrow, looking into her eyes, "What? Lorcan is the only one you can flash?"

Elide closed her eyes, bringing her hands to her face and then let go a scream of frustration.

"Exactly."

Oh, god.

"I remember..." Elide scoffed, running her hands through her hair. When her fingers reached the tips, she was horrified to find they were encrusted with what was surely vomit from the night before. "Fuck."

Lysandra snickered beside her, "Why were you so drunk that you didn't realise what you were doing so damn early?"

Elide looked at her, and although she knew the question was only asked to tease her more, there was a note of concern in her tone. Her shoulders sagged a little and she shook her head, starting to undress undisturbed, "I set out to research a few things and the world is a shitty place and there was nothing I could do in the immediate future to save us all so I got drunk."

"Sounds like alcoholism," Aelin joked.

Both Lysandra and Elide laughed, "If you knew what I found out you'd get drunk too," the latter added.

"Send everything my way." the blonde winked at her, and then they went out, leaving her alone to wash away the sins of the night before and letting her mind travel. And Elide's mind travelled far too much as she racked her brains to remember Lorcan's reactions to a naked her.

After her friends had told her everything that had happened the night before. From her taking her clothes off in front of her best friend, to him getting stuck in their bathroom and calling Aelin for help, to her dancing with Kyllian specifically to make her roommate jealous - or so the drunk her seemed to have justified her actions - to Fenrys saving her from what was sure to end up being just casual sex that would only widen the gap between her and Lorcan.

Gap that apparently wasn't as pronounced as she thought.

Aelin and Lysandra had told her about the way he had pushed his way through the crowd and joined Elide on the dance floor. The way they had danced to one of their favourite songs until they had been on the verge of kissing.

Elide had never been so relieved to know that she'd thrown up on someone. And that her plan to attract Lorcan had worked.

She was cooking now, thinking about how bad it would have been for her to find out they'd kissed without having even the slightest recollection of it happening, when the front door opened and the boy who was the object of her dreams walked into the kitchen.

He stopped in the doorway, looking at her with the most emotionless face Elide had ever seen him wear.

"Hello, handsome." she murmured, continuing to cook.

Lorcan stood still in the threshold for a while without saying anything, as if to sort the situation out. Then, without taking his eyes off what she was doing, he took off his jacket and shoes and walked into the kitchen, "How are you feeling?"

Elide had her back to him as she washed some tomatoes, "Just a bit of a headache. I threw up again when I woke up, but other than that I'm fine."

"Did you drink some water? Had breakfast?" he asked her.

Elide shook her head looking at him, "I woke up after noon, Aelin and Lysandra came over." then frowned, "I think it's their fault I threw up."

Lorcan chuckled, "Sure, absolutely." then he gathered his hair into a messy bun and Elide focused on the way the muscles of his biceps tensed every time he pulled on the elastic, "It's not the alcoholic coma from last night at all."

Elide gathered some courage and taking a deep breath, said, "About last night-"

"We don't have to talk about it," Lorcan immediately interrupted her.

She looked up at him, trying not to show any emotion, trying to read his on that sculptural face that remained impassive. Then, seeing the way he was looking at her, she came to a conclusion.

She arched an eyebrow, plastering a grin on her face, "Does this mean you didn't like my tits?"

Lorcan turned red in the face before stuttering, "No. I mean, yes! No, fuck. Shit... I don't know."

Elide chuckled and began to dress their salad, "You've never seen a pair of tits before?" she asked knowing full well how untrue that was.

When she had moved into the flat, both she and he had had their own wild nights out where they brought home a different partner every weekend. On one occasion, Elide had been stunned when she came out of her room and bumped into a girl she had spent the night with a few weeks earlier. The girl had only bid her good morning, winking, before returning to Lorcan's room.

"No, it's not that," he muttered, closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose.

"So surely you'll have other samples to compare my boobs to and you'll be able to tell me if they're above average," she continued, prolonging this gentle torture.

He sat down, both elbows resting on the table, and rested his chin on his clasped hands. He looked into her eyes for a few seconds, then whispered, "What are you doing?"

"I'm making our lunch," she replied innocently.

She heard him breathe through his nose, "Why are we talking about your tits, I meant?"

"Uh," she smiled, casting him another quick glance, "I didn't think you were so grossed out that you can't even handle a conversation about them."

The frown on his face went deeper and deeper. He remained silent for so long that Elide thought he would never say anything again, that she would never get his thoughts on her breasts, but when she served the salad, sitting down in front of him, he finally spoke.

"It's not that," he repeated, looking away, "they're very nice. Balanced." he began to eat undisturbed and Elide grimaced in amusement, finding a way to keep the conversation going.

"Balanced? What are they? An economic system?"

Lorcan clenched his jaw, setting his fork down on his plate and looking into her face again. She knew she was playing a dangerous game, that she was risking losing her sanity, but she had to know, had to-

"They're perfect and, maybe they are because they're attached to you, but they're probably the most beautiful tits I've ever seen."

Elide's brain shut down. And he seemed to realise it too because the shadow of a smile began to form on his lips.

Lorcan leaned forward on the table and her eyes snapped to his arms. Fingers flexing, interlocking, caught her attention completely. She returned her gaze to his, feeling her body heat up as he resumed speaking. "If I'm going to be completely honest... If you want the details, Elide," the way he said her name made her most intimate part clench around nothing, "I've never seen such nice, small nipples and that pink?" he shut his eyes, moaning as he brought one of the tomatoes to his mouth and wrapped his lips around the fork.

Elide swallowed the mouthful that had been in her mouth for over a minute and nearly choked when he opened his eyes again and they were darker than normal if that was possible.

She looked away, too many feelings building up inside her, but crossed her legs, trying to relieve some of the tension there.

"Wasn't that enough, Ellie?" he asked in a rough voice, biting into an olive, making sure she saw the way his lips closed around it.

She swallowed again, "No, it was fine..." she cleared her throat when it came out too weak, "Thanks for the feedback."

Lorcan let go a throaty chuckle, "The pleasure is all mine."

***

Like every Sunday evening, the whole group had gathered at the twins' house. And that night everyone was there, although Vaughan and Vesta, along with Aedion and Sorrel, had gone out into the back yard a few hours ago and had not yet returned. Elide suspected they'd taken to smoking.

Those left in the house were playing one of the most popular games, "I feel like."

The game had no real objective, other than to embarrass people or get them to confess to extreme or obscene sexual acts. It was simply a matter of drawing a card, reading what it said and giving it to the person you thought had done the closest thing to what was described on the card. The only real rule was that you had to tell the whole story of what happened if the card you were handed told the truth.

Quite often the game would be interrupted because one of the two sides of the various couples would cheat, change the rules and instead of passing it on to the appropriate person, they would pass it on to their partner as an invitation to lock themselves in the first spare room they could find to experiment with what was asked by the game.

The cards could range from as basic things as "I feel like your first time was in a public restroom." to as a bit more hardcore as "I feel like you got fisted in the woods."

And in that moment, Elide had a strong feeling that Rowan and Aelin would soon be going home.

"Oh my fucking god," Rowan muttered as he read the words on the card, turning red from head to toe. He looked up at Aelin, swallowing and making his adam's apple bob, "Where do you even find these games?"

Elide giggled beside him, "There's a girl on the internet who updates the cards every month and puts them up for sale, we take turns to see who has to buy them each time."

"Oh god," he said shaking his head. When he slid the card in Aelin's direction, the girl leaned towards him to leave a soft kiss on his lips and when they broke away they were both smiling. Aelin read what was written on the card and for a second it seemed like the colour drained from her face, but then she blinked and cleared her throat, looking at Rowan with wide eyes.

"Maybe we should go away. To try it out." she murmured, so quietly that only those on the couch with them heard her.

Elide looked up at the boy next to her, or rather, behind her, to see if he was listening, but he seemed lost in thought. He had been absentmindedly stroking her arm since they had settled there, and Elide didn't think she had ever been so relaxed in her life.

She and Lorcan were sitting at one end of the sofa, opposite to Rowan and Aelin, her between his legs and with her back against his chest. Every time one of them laughed, their bodies moved closer together and now she had her head resting on the part of his chest between his neck and shoulder.

She was home.

Fenrys and Connall, across the living room, sitting on the floor, booed.

"You can't pass them all on to her!" complained Lysandra.

Aelin didn't even look at her as she spoke, her eyes always fixed on Rowan's, as if they were having a telepathic conversation, "Lys, shut up."

Her friend gasped, bringing a hand to her mouth.

"I say we vote to kick them out of the room," Asterin said, in exactly the same position she was in, but between her boyfriend's legs. Half the people in the room raised their hands to the sky, making Aelin roll her eyes.

Fenrys nodded, always ready to back Asterin up in whatever situation they were in, "It's starting to smell like Rowaelin in here."

Lorcan chuckled behind her, knocking her forward. And as the others lost themselves in the chatter, Elide shifted her gaze to Manon, who sat in the armchair next to the couch, one hand in Dorian's hair, who sat with his head resting on the armrest.

Her friend's bright eyes sparkled with malice as she arched an eyebrow and gestured to the boy she was practically sitting on. Elide felt her cheeks blush, but smiled naively at her, pretending not to know what she was alluding to. Manon smiled back.

Elide had never spoken openly to her about Lorcan, not in that way at least, but she knew Manon knew - in fact, now that she thought about it, she had never had to do that with anyone. Everyone had been rather quick to catch on that. Everyone except Lorcan.

The hand on her arm stopped, clinging completely against her skin and Elide had to force herself not to look at him, but then he lowered himself onto her and whispered in her ear, "Ellie."

She turned her head just enough to look at him and his lips brushed her cheek, so briefly that she thought she had imagined it. Lorcan had pulled back and was now looking into her eyes, "Your turn."

She blinked and turned towards the others, only realising at that moment that all eyes were on them. She felt her face burn, but she nodded, putting a hand on Lorcan's knee and pushing herself forward, rubbing her ass on the crotch of his trousers. She'd been doing this all night, all night teasing him, just as he was teasing her, brushing the side of the breasts from time to time.

And each time, Lorcan would burst into a coughing fit and move further back, which only gave Elide a chance to grind even harder against him in an attempt to regain the comfortable position they were in before.

As she settled back into her seat, she met Fenrys' gaze, who had a shit-eating grin on his face. She lowered her eyes to the maroon card in her hands quickly, shimming her hips between his legs. Lorcan's hands ended on her shoulders and she looked up at him, batting her eyelids like a fawn.

"Stop moving around so much," he grumbled.

She smiled gently and then took up reading. She hadn't touched alcohol that night, for obvious reasons, but she still found it hard to understand what was written there when Lorcan's fingers began to draw imaginary lines across her bare skin.

"I feel like..." she whispered, her eyes going wide. She looked across the sofa at Rowan.

The friend gave her a chuckle, "I told you they seemed a bit extreme."

I feel like you performed a titjob on someone while being eaten out.

Before she could realise what she was doing, she said, "Can I give myself the card or...?"

Dorian turned a quizzical look on her, "You know you have to-"

Fenrys shrieked something unintelligible, but that stopped Dorian. Manon above them clenched her hands into fists, her eyes half-closed at the sudden commotion, "I haven't killed you yet just because-"

"Yeah yeah, just because of Asterin, I get it," Fenrys replied moving a hand midair, his gaze never leaving Elide's, who in a moment of clarity realised what Dorian was about to say. What the blond said only served to confirm her fear, "But Elide just confessed to doing whatever is written on it and I want to know every detail."

She felt Lorcan stiffen behind her and then Elide realised something else entirely. He must have read what was written on the card.

"So?" pressed Aelin, leaning over Rowan and snatching the card from Elide's hands. She opened her mouth wide with an amused expression, then put on a pout, looking at her boyfriend, "These are the things I sometimes wish you'd be a little more open about."

Rowan arched an eyebrow, reading the card in turn, "We can do those two things at the same time and without anyone else having to see you naked."

Lysandra, next to them, picked up the card, "Oh, Aedion and I did that too. Although it was a normal blowjob, no titty job." she exclaimed happily.

One thing that pleased Elide greatly was the fact that no one in that room would judge her for what she did in the bedroom and who she did it with. Also because there was a high probability that they had done it too.

And slowly the card was passed among all the members of their group and when it reached Fenrys and Asterin, the girl winked at Elide, murmuring a sensual, "I've never done it, but I'm sure it wouldn't hurt." Fenrys winked behind her, intertwining their hands. Asterin's smile only grew wider, before she added, "You have our numbers."

Elide blushed, but smiled anyway, nodding.

Everyone began to talk about the various possibilities, as they did during every turn, and the card finally passed from Dorian and Manon and the two exchanged only a glance before giving the card to Lorcan.

Lorcan who was taking deep breaths one after the other and had his eyes closed. Elide had never seen him so focused in her life. She noticed the way he contracted and relaxed his jaw repeatedly and frowned.

Was he alright?

She ran a finger over his thigh to get his attention, tracing a line from his knee to where his leg touched her hip and Lorcan let go a shuddering breath, opening his eyes slightly and tightening his grip on her shoulders, "I don't think you should do that." his voice so hoarse and deep that Elide felt her stomach knot. She didn't understand what he was referring to.

And then she felt it.

Hard and... thick against her ass.

She opened her eyes wide, pointing them at him, and held her breath. She had to stop herself from opening her mouth in surprise, but she couldn't stop herself when her hips pushed against Lorcan's now obvious erection.

Elide had never been so happy to hear Fenrys' laughter as she was at that moment, because if it hadn't been for the sudden noise, the moans that escaped them both would have been heard all too well and neither of them would have been able to look at anyone else in the room for the rest of their lives.

Lorcan swallowed, breathing through his nostrils, and his gaze fell to her lips. Her eyes did the same and she didn't care that they were among everyone and would have everyone's eyes on them if they did exactly what Elide was thinking, because his lips parted slightly and he whispered her name and she was lost.

Without thinking about it for another second, Elide turned just enough to have her face directly in front of his and closed her eyes, feeling his lips brush hers. She released a breath she didn't know she was holding, "Lorcan,"

And then she kissed him, and it was exactly as she had always dreamed it would be, as his lips moved with hers and they tasted and breathed from each other. A sound that Elide had never made in her life rose up her throat as Lorcan shifted and with a sharp movement of his hips turned her fully towards him and now she was on her knees in front of him, both of them breathing heavily as they looked into each other's eyes.

Someone coughed in the room and she heard Aelin whisper a weak "fucking finally", but Elide didn't give a shit.

She placed her hands on Lorcan's face, tilting his head back so she could reach him better. The second his hands landed on her hips, their lips collided again in a fierce kiss and his tongue found its way into her mouth.

The first touch of their tongues was like having a thousand fireworks explode in her mouth.

"Okay, it's time to join the others," Manon murmured.

Elide heard Fenrys mutter, "Please not on the couch, there are guest rooms upstairs."

Lorcan pulled away from her just enough to see what was going on around them and her hands slid around his neck, ending in his hair as she admired the line of his cheekbones and the way his lashes caressed his skin every time he closed his eyes.

God, he was beautiful.

"Which one can we use?" asked Lorcan as he looked at Fenrys.

Elide's eyes went wide, causing him to turn towards her. She ran a thumb over his lower lip, smirking, "So sure of yourself."

Without missing a beat, Lorcan mimicked her grin and squeezed her hips, "You don't want to?"

Elide smiled, turning towards her friends, stopping to look at Fenrys, "The second on the left right?"

When the owner of the house winked at her, nodding, she stood up, pulling Lorcan with her, who had a confused look on his face, "Why do you know that?"

She had the decency to blush, grabbing his hand and pulling him towards the stairs, "You don't want to know."

Lysandra burst out laughing as everyone resumed their seats on the floor or the couch, "You really don't."

Elide tugged at him more insistently, not looking at Lorcan's reaction to those words. She just wanted to get to the room and lock herself in with him.

When she felt his hand settle on her hip and slide down to her ass cheek, where he paused to give it a squeeze, she almost turned and slammed him against the wall just so she could continue kissing him how she needed to.

They arrived in front of the door and she stopped with her fingers on the handle, once inside there would be no stopping. There would be no point of return.

His fingers brushed her cheek and she turned to face him, who now wore a ravenous, excited look, but Elide could see the concern and hesitation in taking the next step, "We don't have to do anything, Ellie."

She nodded, because she knew that was the case, but squeezed his hand to emphasize what he said, "But I want to."

"Good thing, cause the thought of you fucking those two gave me some ideas."

She grinned, placing a hand on his chest, "I wasn't the one doing the titty work, but we can always try."

Lorcan groaned softly at the knowledge of Elide licking another girl and then pushed the door open, backing in and taking his-

Whatever Elide was at that moment to him, it wasn't important.

The only thing that was important was his lips on hers.

The difference in height wasn't making it easy for him, and when he leaned down even further, never breaking the kiss, to run his hands under her knees and pull her up, Elide seemed to understand that right away and, pulling away just enough to jump into his arms, they found themselves on each other in seconds.

Lorcan bit her lower lip, making her moan, and when he moved to her jaw, nipping lightly at her skin, Elide threw her head back, pushing her hips against his and drawing a groan from both of them.

He immediately took the opportunity to latch his lips onto the smooth, quivering skin of her neck, feeling the bed behind his knees and sitting up, letting her straddle him. His hands moved up her legs, caressing her inner thighs, but never really getting close to where she needed him most.

Elide began to grope his chest, grazing the skin of his arms, but never staying in one spot, until Lorcan began to suck at the bare skin between her neck and shoulder and she nudged him slightly.

He quickly pulled away, panting, "What?"

There were too many layers. Keeping her eyes fixed on his, Elide lowered her hands to the hem of her shirt and slipped it off in one swift movement. She smiled smugly when she could finally see Lorcan's reaction to her bare tits.

His eyes were slightly wider than usual and his pupils so dilated that Elide realised that she had never noticed that Lorcan's eye colour was not black, but just a very dark brown. When he looked at her, the words died in her throat.

"I love it when you don't wear a bra," he murmured, reaching up to her and brushing her lips with his, "But I love even more the way you shiver every time I do this."

Elide didn't have a chance to dwell on the way he'd said love, because without her noticing, his hands had found their place on her waist and she had to bite her lip to keep from crying out in pleasure when he brushed the sides of her breasts with his thumbs.

He pushed himself further against her, brushing his lips over her ear, "When we're alone and you don't have to hold back, I want you to scream my name." and then he moved quickly, leaving only a light kiss on her shoulder before his lips closed around a sensitive nipple.

With the first sweep of his tongue around the hard bead, Elide whimpered, pushing her hips down against his and making him moan into her chest. She brought her hands into his hair, clenching and pulling each time his teeth bit or scraped the sensitive skin around the nipple.

When he seemed to want to move on to the other breast, Elide shook her head, pulling his hair back to its roots and forcing her mouth against his, making him grunt. She had to feel him.

"Lorcan," she breathed, between kisses, "I need to touch you."

One of her hands slipped between the two of them, palming him through the sweatpants that did little to hide Lorcan's huge boner. He moaned against her chin, "Fuck."

They pulled apart again and when he had stripped off his shirt, Elide didn't waste a moment and pressed her bare chest against his, causing him to fall back onto the mattress.

Lorcan had other ideas though, because in one smooth motion she found herself lying on her back, his gentle weight pressing her against the covers and his bright smile lighting up his face. He left a kiss on her nose, on her lips and then down to the split in the middle of her breasts and her eyes rolled back in her head as a flashback from two nights before appeared in her head, of Lorcan doing the same thing with his eyes as they danced.

"Can I take these off?" he asked her, once he reached her hips where he was leaving kisses light as feathers.

Elide was breathing raggedly, but nodded when she understood he was talking about her leggings. Still keeping her eyes closed, she lifted her hips off the mattress, closing her fists around the covers as her bottoms disappeared along with her socks and the cold air hit her bare skin.

Now only the thin fabric of her black panties separated her from achieving what she wanted.

That and Lorcan's slacks.

"Ellie." she heard him as he came back on top of her, one knee between her legs to keep his balance. She licked her lip, opening her eyes and keeping her gaze fixed on him, on that perfect face.

"Do you have a condom?" she asked in a whisper, as if afraid the answer would be no. She had them, but they were downstairs, in her purse, and she had no desire to leave the room right then.

Lorcan arched an eyebrow, "I'm not having sex with you tonight, Elide."

She frowned, folding her arms under her and propping herself up on her elbows, "What does that mean?"

"That I'm not completely sober," he said, leaning his head towards her chest, keeping his eyes fixed in hers, "And the first time it'll be inside you," he murmured in a rougher voice, placing a light kiss on the nipple he hadn't licked before, "I want it to be at a time when I'm lucid and can remember all the noises and moans you make." and then he gave the same attention to her other breast, pushing her against the mattress one more time, until Elide was a squirming mess under him and deemed his treatment sufficient.

"Now I'm going to slip these off," Lorcan murmured, grazing a finger along the hem of her panties, and Elide shuddered, "and touch you. Here." the same finger slid across her covered folds, starting at her clit and following her slit to her entrance. "Already so wet for me."

Elide thrashed on the bed, moaning softly as he applied a little more pressure, "Stop teasing, we'll have time for that when we get home." she managed to toss out between shaky breaths.

"Understood ma'am." he taunted, grabbing the edges of the thing and pulling it down. The sound that burst from him was completely animalistic and threatened to make Elide come before he even really touched her. "So beautiful." he said, kneeling in front of her.

Lorcan's hands wrapped around her ankles and he pushed her legs up, placing her feet on the edge of the bed, until she was left with her knees bent and her pussy at his full disposal. Elide risked looking down between her legs and her eyes locked into his as he lowered himself onto her and smiled.

The way her chest rose and fell made her tits bounce and Lorcan seemed to appreciate it, but he didn't seem to be planning to do anything. Elide tipped her head back, whispering in a weak voice, "Do something, please."

He laughed and her muscles flexed, clenching around nothing. It was at that moment that she felt him, his breath on the most sensitive part of her body. "I'm going to make you cum so fast you won't have time to count to a hundred."

Lorcan's fingers came off her ankles and went to part her lips, making her feel the warm air of his breathe even more. He parted them until he was satisfied and Elide lowered her gaze just as his tongue made contact with her throbbing core. A rush of pleasure coursed through her body, making her legs tremble, "Lor," she moaned.

"Mh, El," he closed his lips around her clit, pressing his tongue against the pearl over and over, until Elide repeated his name like a prayer, "So good. You taste so good."

Her hands ended up in his hair again, pushing his face against her sex, seeking more. She began to move her hips, following the strokes of his mouth on her, but one of Lorcan's arms slithered around her pelvis and pinned her to the bed, lapping her juices as with his thumb he reached to massage her clit with such precision that Elide knew that whatever she would do on her own in the future, she would never be able to match how he was making her feel.

Elide cried out in pleasure, bringing a hand to her mouth as she felt his tongue thrust into her and an all too familiar warmth build up in the pit of her stomach.

She brought one hand up to massage the nipple he had only kissed and made a choked sound, her hips jerking upwards.

Lorcan moaned against her, a new sound, different from any he'd made so far, and Elide couldn't help herself. She pulled herself up onto her elbows, continuing to touch herself as he kept sending jolts of pleasure with every thrust of his tongue and every caress of his thumb, and the sight of him eating her out would have been enough to push her over the edge, but the hand wrapped around his thick, throbbing cock pumping relentlessly was the thing that made her eyes roll back and explode as the rope inside her snapped. Her legs gave out, falling over the edge of the bed and finding their place on Lorcan's shoulders.

Her mouth gaped open in a silent scream as her whole body trembled in pleasure as wave after wave surged through her and her back arched so wide she broke away from the bed.

Lorcan didn't stop touching her, but he pulled his mouth away from her, still massaging her clit until Elide was too sensitive and with a groan she tightened a hand around his wrist to push him away. She heard him grunt and then moan, but she didn't have the strength to lower her gaze to what she knew very well was a cumming Lorcan.

She was breathing hard, one hand on her stomach to rest and the other still clasped around his.

Every now and then her body was shaken by a spasm, but she managed to calm down after a few minutes and close her aching legs. She rolled onto her side, letting go of his wrist.

Lorcan was also breathless and kept his forehead pressed against the edge of the bed.

Elide felt a tinge of pain tingle through her heart. She pulled herself up just enough to look into his face, "Lor?"

She reached out a hand towards him, placing it on his shoulder, at which he raised his head and looked at her with bright eyes and an open mouth, "Are you alright?"

She nodded, smiling at him and falling back into the now unmade blankets, "Never been better."

He chuckled deeply, moving from his position on the floor and causing at least two joints in his legs to crack.

The moment Elide saw he'd managed to get at least halfway out of his trousers, her throat went dry. And her brain forgot how to talk when she noticed he wasn't wearing boxers. Elide knew Lorcan often went commando, but seeing it with her own eyes was a different story. Seeing him, was a completely different thing from feeling him against her.

She swallowed. She'd intended to scold him for taking all the fun out of both of them by touching himself, but maybe Elide had overestimated her abilities, because the idea of having to give Lorcan a blowjob when his dick was like this-

"If you keep looking at me like that I'm not sure I can keep the promise I made to myself," he murmured in a serious voice.

Elide looked up at his face and sighed as she saw his eyes as dark as before, just moments before he pulled off his clothes completely and lay down beside her on the other side of the bed.

It didn't take her even half a second to wrap herself around him and press her body against Lorcan's side as he draped an arm around her shoulders.

His fingertips began to trace idle lines on her shoulder as he had done only half an hour before on the couch in front of everyone.

A satisfied and surprised laugh came out of her. Lorcan put his hand under her chin and when she looked up at him he had an equally satisfied smile on his lips. He pushed her head towards his, causing their mouths to collide in a brief kiss that was chaste in comparison to what they had just done and when they broke away, Elide frowned, "I didn't like you touching yourself without giving me a chance to enjoy this in turn."

The corner of Lorcan's mouth turned up, "Sorry honey, but seeing you naked like that on the bed for me has been my dream for a little too long and I was sure I would have come in zero time if I had let you touch me. It would have been embarrassing." he whispered, caressing her cheek.

Elide tried to suppress a smile, failing miserably. She decided to tease him a little, "I thought I heard you say you lasted long in bed, didn't you?"

He chuckled, "You know it's hard to rely on stamina when the girl in question is you."

At those words she felt a particularly strong surge of affection for the boy who had given her one of the most intense orgasms she had ever received and she pushed herself closer against him, making her bare breasts feel against his skin.

Lorcan turned slightly towards her, looking into her face.

He looked so relaxed.

She knew he was.

But there was something that didn't allow her to be one hundred percent.

She fixed her eyes on his, placing a hand on his chest, over his heart. The hand Lorcan had held behind his head until now came to rest on hers, squeezing her fingers tight.

Elide took a shuddering breath, "Now what?"

Lorcan suppressed a yawn, "I guess it's not a problem if we stay here and sleep-"

"No, I'm saying," she interrupted him, looking away, "what do we do now? You and I." then, realizing that question couldn't have been more vague, she closed her eyes, mustering courage, "What are we now?"

"Whatever you want us to be, Ellie," he said softly, starting to stroke her hand, "But I want one thing to be clear. And I'd like you to look at me while I say it."

Elide opened her eyes, lifting her chin slightly so she could see him better, and gave him a small smile, which he immediately returned.

"What is it?"

Lorcan's gaze moved to her lips, before returning to her eyes, "I like you, Elide."

She stopped breathing.

"I really like you and whatever you decide to do with me, I'll respect that, but I also want to say that if you don't want anything exclusive, then this will have been a one night stand and won't happen again."

Although she also wanted exactly the same things, hearing him say them made her chest hurt, because the prospect of not being able to have him again so soon after just finally finding him hurt.

She cleared her throat, nodding, "I like you too." she whispered, noticing his eyes widen a little, "And I don't want you going with any other girls besides me if we decide to continue with this." Lorcan nodded, agreeing with her, then continued, "If you don't want a relationship right away, I can understand that, but know that I do." she felt herself blush as she finally admitted the truth out loud, looking away, "And I know our situation isn't the best with being roommates and all-"

"Our situation is perfect," Lorcan corrected her, moving a strand of hair out of her face.

She looked at him again, seeing him smile.

"Ellie, you're my best friend. The person who knows me the most out of all the people I consider important. We already live together, we won't have to fight over who to stay at every night. We won't have to go on any awkward first dates and the sex seems phenomenal to me," a lump formed in her throat as she tried to keep her breathing regular, but found it difficult when he smiled at her more broadly, "I waited months for you to see that the playlists were all declarations and hoped that after Friday night something would change. For once I won."

Elide figured he was talking about what had happened at the club, but if she was going to be completely honest... "I was the one who showed you my tits twice, letting you know I wanted something more. Don't take all the credit."

Lorcan burst out laughing and it sounded more scratchy than usual, "I'm sorry, you're right."

He kissed her again and again, and held her close as he ran his fingers through her hair and murmured the words to a love song, and before long she fell asleep in his arms, making Lorcan the happiest man in the world.

tog tag list (if you wanna be added or removed, just send an ask or dm me)

@maastrash @ireallyshouldsleeprn @sleeping-and-books @ladywitchling @thegoddessofyou @ghostlyrose2 @claralady @anne-reads @sayosdreams @perseusannabeth @letstakethedawn @simping4bookboisngrls @post-it-notes33 @booksstorm @nalgenewhore @queen-of-demons-and-hell @miserablemusings @lanyjoy-13 @vasudharaghavan @cupcakey00 @bri-loves-sunflowers @queen-of-glass @the-regal-warrior​

[imagines-by-a-typical-fangirl]

Stay With Me (Pt. 05 of 09)

Pairing: Daryl Dixon X Reader

Word count: 3 K

Summary: Daryl found you surrounded by the dead, stuck in the backseat of a car. You were wishing for death to take you away for quite a while now, but, as you slid back and forth into consciousness, there was only one thing keeping you alive. Him, the man with blue, worried eyes and kind voice. Your beaten up body was ready to give up, too wounded and broken to keep going. But this man, who went out of his way to save your life is the only thing in the world holding you up. And, because of him, you feel something you haven't felt in a very long time: hope. Wherever he's taking you, you want to get there, and not only to be buried. For what it feels like the very first time, you want to live. He takes you back to Alexandria, but even there, the nightmares and the terror from all the torture and pain you've been through keeps creeping closer, and Daryl, your hero, is the only one who can keep that all away.

Warnings: Mentions and description (not graphic) of past abuse; post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD); some violence at the end of the story (a little bit graphic, but not so much); blood.

<- Previous part (04)

Next part (06) ->

{The Walking Dead Masterlist}

I want to thank my awesome friend @jodiereedus22 , who helped me (and still does) a lot to get this story done. She's also a writer and she's amazing so please go check her work!!

×

Touch

You're right back into the dark spot you were. If it wasn't for Carol, you'd be in bed all day, completely lost. She keeps you moving. She helps you shower, chattering even though you don't answer. She helps you get downstairs, allowing you to do something for lunch or dinner. Carol's patience is unbelievable. You wonder when she'll get tired of you too. When she'll leave, with rude words and no further explanation.

Being here without Daryl is weird. Unusual. You didn't know the exact place he occupied in your heart, but now it's pretty clear. But you don't know how it happened. You thought this constant necessity of being with him came from the situation. From the safety he provided. When he's next to you in bed, your head on his chest, you know he won't let anything hurt you. Not even the nightmares had that power anymore, the bad memories are just that. Memories. But now... Daryl is more than a hero to you. He's something else entirely. He's the only one you'll ever want to have this close. The only man you'll ever want to hug, to lean on, to hold next to you during the night.

But what's the use of such acknowledgment now? Daryl left. He literally ran from your touch, from you. And of course he did. You came into his life, a broken, vulnerable thing, needing him so desperately. Of course he'd only endure you for a while. Now, he's done with that and whatever you feel doesn't matter. It's over.

“(Y/N), honey?” Carol calls, coming to sit beside you on the couch. Judith left half an hour ago, but still, you didn't move. You just stood there, drowning in the new, stupid feelings you just found out. “Don't cry, sweetie.”

“It's been six days.” You whisper, a hand on your heart. “He left because of me. I-I pushed him into going who knows where.”

“Daryl didn't go because of you. He went because of himself.” Carol takes a deep breath, talking low. She's always scared you'll slide back into the walls you built around you, so she's always careful. “He's complicated. He's been raised to believe nobody wants or cares for him, or...” When her voice fades, you look up, meeting her eyes. “Or love him.”

This makes you giggle, humorlessly. “What? He's... He's amazing. He's kind and smart, and strong, and handsome, Daryl is... Daryl is honest. And noble. How can he think people won't care for him?” The words flow out, too fast, because it's absurd to hear Carol saying that. It sounds like a joke. “You can't expect me to believe Daryl doesn't see all that.”

Carol's lips break into a smile, you don't get why. “He doesn't.”

“Then I'll make him see.” The same moment the words come out, you remember that he left. That he rejected you. “Well, I...”

“You have feelings for him, don't you? This isn't just about him saving you. There's something else.”

Fixing the blanket around your shoulders, you don't even try to dry off the tears. There will be others to take their place. “It doesn't matter, he...” You've been rejected before. You've had a crush on guys who didn't like you back. But this... This actually hurts. Hurts more than the wounds that still mark your body. “Y-you didn't see it. It's like... He doesn't even want to touch me and when he comes back I'll make sure he won't have to keep helping me.” You're sobbing by the end of the sentence, your body shaking as you cry.

You know you'll be lost without him, never able to feel like that again. The sensation he brought you is unexplainable. Irreplaceable. No man will ever make you feel that way, but that's not his fault. Maybe it's yours. Maybe it's nobody's fault. Everything you know is that you won't let anyone get this close ever again.

“Alright, honey. It's alright.” Carol hugs you, holding you tight as you cry on her shoulder. “Trust me when I say Daryl has very strong feelings for you too. He's just not very good at showing it.”

“Don't.” You mutter. “You can't say these things just to make me feel better, I know he doesn't.”

“Listen, honey. Listen.” She pulls away, drying off some of your tears with her thumbs. “Daryl is scared of how he feels towards you. Believe me, I know him.” Refusing to believe her, to have any kind of hope, you shake your head no. “The reason why he's running from it is that he thinks you can do better. You're young, beautiful, and sweet. He doesn't think he deserves you.”

“Why would he think that? Is he stupid or something?” You manage to say in between sobs, hugging Carol again.

“He can be stupid sometimes, yes.” She rubbs your back. “He will be back and I'm sure you'll get this right. Both of you.”

You don't answer, you just stay there, crying.

More days go by, and you only know he's alright because Rick has a radio, and he talks to Michonne daily, so everyone knows they're both alright.

The only thing that keeps you moving is little Judith. You also got to meet some of the other kids, since Carol decided to bring them here to play with Judith. You love having them around, it makes you forget about things for a while. Carol even introduced you to Melanie, a pregnant woman, and she also starts hanging out at your house, making you her official babysitter. She got here a few months ago, already pregnant. She used to go scavenging before, and that's what she wants to do for this community when her child is born, and she trusts you to be with them while she's away. Knowing you might have something useful to do makes you feel better. Makes you feel like you have something to offer and being with the kids is amazing.

But, eventually, everything comes crashing down, mostly at night, when you lie down all alone, surrounded by darkness. You often dream of Daryl. He's back, with you, not pushing you away. But when the morning comes, his usual place in the bed is still empty.

As the sun sets, you have Judith on your lap, her head on your chest. She's calming down after crying for her father. It took a long time to make her settle down, and now you're trying to make her sleep a little. Rubbing her back, you keep singing the only lullaby you can come up with. “Lavender's green, dilly, dilly, lavender's blue. If you love me, dilly, dilly, I will love you. I love to dance, dilly, dilly, I love to–” You're cut short by the door being open. Terror creeps over as you look up, and the fear is replaced by a mix of so many feelings you can't even name.

Daryl stands there, his eyes locked on yours and despite the distance, you can see the amazing, breathtaking shade of blue that makes your heart beat faster. You hold onto Judith when she moves a little, but she soon settles down again. But your eyes are focused on Daryl, and as much as you want to look away, you can't. It's stronger than you.

“Y-you're alive.” You stutter, holding back the tears. It's been two weeks. Too long, it felt like endless months. “Are you hurt?”

“No.” He simply says. “I'll... Shower. ‘M covered with walker's blood.”

“Ok.” He finally moves, going upstairs and you can finally breathe.

Daryl is back. He's right here and everything you want is to jump in his arms. But you can't. He doesn't want to have anything to do with you. He's done with taking care of you. You have to keep a distance.

You're trying to calm down, focusing on humming the lullaby to keep Judith in her peaceful sleep, trying not to think about Daryl, up there, under the same roof. You try not to think about his arms, always so warm and gentle around you.

“(Y/N).” Carol gets your attention, and you see her coming downstairs, being followed by Daryl. “Let me take Judith to see her dad.”

“Sure.” You burst out, watching as she picks Judith up, careful not to wake her up. “And you two need to talk so I'll stay at Rick's for a while.” She says in a low voice, giving Daryl a look.

You're frozen as she moves to the door, not wanting to risk look at Daryl and burst into tears.

You wanted him back, of course you did, but now, you don't know what to do. You're too scared of your feelings, of what you might do.

“I-I'll head upstairs.” Grabbing the clutch Denise got you, you stumble to your feet.

“We need ta’ talk,” Daryl says, but you ignore him, struggling with the clutch in a way you never did before.

“No, we're-we're fine. I'm fine.” You succeed to climb the first step, but on the second one, you move the wounded leg before you move the clutch, and this added to the whole situation makes you lose your balance and crash down. Luckily, your weight falls on the good leg, but that doesn't mean your body won't complain. A groan leaves your lips, and you feel Daryl's arms pulling you.

“(Y/N), be–”

“Don't touch me!” It's useless now. You're crying, your heart is broken and you can't take it. You can't control it. “Y-you don't like it when I touch you so don't touch me!”

“What the hell makes ya think I don't like when ya touch me?!” Daryl suddenly yells, his voice matching yours. He seems to regret it though, his eyes softening. “What... Who told ya that?”

“I don't need anyone to tell me anything. I'm not stupid.” It comes out in between the sobs as you sit down on the steps, throwing the clutch away. “You don't need to take care of me anymore! I... I'll get better and you won't have to think about me anymore. I can deal with the pain, the fear the nightmares! I can! If you don't want me anymore it's fine!” You yell at the top of your lungs, not proud of the way you're breaking down. But what can you do? Your heart is broken.

“I ain't–”

“You don't have to go in a hell of a long run to be away from me! I can just find another house to live in and get the hell out of your way if that's what you want and I'm so damn sorry I need you so much, Daryl. I'm so damn sorry I like you, or-or–” You lose your train of thought, sobbing uncontrollably, looking at the floor because you can't bring yourself to face Daryl now.

“Ya got it all wrong.” He mutters, coming to sit on the stairs, but you move back, pushing yourself against the wall. If you get any closer to him, you'll fail. You'll hug and hold and kiss him.

“Stop it, Daryl! I know you're tired of me so j-just stay away if that's what you want.” The tears soak your face, and you have your eyes closed as if it could hide you from him.

“Ya got it all wrong. Ya shouldn't want ta’ touch me or be around me. Yer so... pretty n’ young n’ good, ya shouldn't want ta’ touch me or be around me. I don't deserve to be with someone like ya n’ yer stupid ta’ want to be around me.” He yells back, raising his voice above yours, but despite the hint of anger, you don't feel scared. But you do need time to take in what he's saying. What he means. “Yer too young. M’ jus’ an old, dirty redneck and I don't... I went out so ya could have some time ta’ get over this. Ta’ not want me close anymore.”

“What are you saying, you idiot.” You stutter, playing back everything he said. “You can't decide what I should or shouldn't want! You have to decide what you want and I'll decide what I want and if these two things come together, then we work from there.” You move a little, the sting on your leg making you uncomfortable. Taking a deep breath, you finally regain some control of yourself, but the tears just keep coming. “I just need to know i-if you don't want... If you don't want me. Me touching you, or hugging you because if that's what you want, it's ok, I'll... I'll stay away.” It hurts to tell him this, and you're terrified of what he'll say next. If that's what he wants... What are you going to do?

“I shouldn't–”

“This is not about what you should, it's about what you want!” You burst out, tired of the argument. You just need to know what is and what isn't, so you can decide what to do next. “You were gone for two goddamn weeks, killing walkers and being in constant danger so just tell me what you want.”

“I want ya.” It comes out like a grunt, too fast and low, and it makes you wonder if you got it right. Daryl looks down, his shaggy hair hiding his eyes. You don't understand why he's so... Scared. Why he thinks so low of himself when you can only see the good, the great man he is. The very best.

“T-then don't push me away. Just... Just stay.” Lowering you're voice until it's barely a whisper, you dry some tears away. “I-I mean, I know that going out there it's your thing, I didn't mean it as you gotta stay here, I just mean it like... With me, you know? Go on runs, but stay with me. D-don't leave me. Well, do leave if that's what you want but not because you think I shouldn't be around you.” It sounds confusing, and you hope he gets it because you don't think you can explain it better.

“M’ sorry.” He mumbles, and this time, when he sits beside you on the step, you allow yourself to hug him, too desperately, feeling more tears coming. “ ‘S alright, babygirl. M’ sorry.”

Without saying anything, you surrender into his embrace, thankful for having him back after so long. Not even the noise coming from the front door makes you pull away.

“I see you two got along,” Carol says, sounding relieved. “You should just be straight forward with each other. It'll save both of you a lot of trouble.” When you hear her coming closer, you raise your head just a little bit to look at her. “(Y/N), why don't you let me help you with showering. There's still sand on your hair. Then you and Daryl can lie down to rest.”

You don't want to let go of him yet, but Carol is right. “Sand?”

“I was with the kids on that playground and little Mike threw a handful of sand at Judith but he hit me instead.” You explain it, using the wall to help you up. But Daryl is quick to assist you.

“So yer takin’ care of the kids? And outside?”

“Well, Carol was with me the whole time and it was only half an hour or so.” You let him carry you upstairs, not saying anything about it. Walking is a lot easier now, but you appreciate the gesture. “But I'm like the babysitter now. I really like it.”

“Bet ya do. I heard ya singing for Lil’ Ass Kicker.”

Your cheeks start burning. You had no idea he was listening. “Yeah...” Daryl leaves you in the bathroom and Carol comes soon after.

Showering is less painful now since you can manage to stand up long enough to clean yourself. But washing your hair is still a challenge, and that's why Carol is here. As she washes the sand away, she tells you of her daughter Sofia. About how she got lost and how Daryl restlessly searched for her. And the sad ending of that story. Everyone at the end of the world has a sad story to tell.

Once you're free of the sand and dry, you put your clothes on. You can't find any of your lycra shorts, so you stick with the tank top and panties before going to bed. It's very cold tonight, so you grab another blanket before lying down. You're just about to wonder if Daryl will come when he opens the door, and a smile immediately spreads through your lips.

“Hi.” Trying not to sound too excited, you mutter. It's hard to keep your eyes open, sleep threatening to overcome you.

Daryl grunts something you don't understand, taking off his jacket and leaving it on the dresser. You already moved to the side, giving him space. He pulls the blankets away before lying down, and you giggle to see how he tries not to move the mattress too much. Once he's settled down, you turn on your side, facing away from him, getting comfortable. You wait for him to do the same, but he doesn't move. By the time you had him sleeping here, you know he sleeps on his side. Not like this, staring at the ceiling.

“Are you comfortable?” You ask, eyes already closed.

“Yeah.”

“Uhm...” Turning around just a little bit, you grab Daryl's arm, pulling it until he's on his side, letting his hand fall on your waist.

“The hell ya doin’?” He mutters.

“Just letting you I want you to hug me. So if you want it too... You can.”

Daryl stays motionless for a while until you feel as he fixes his position. You're glad he won't see your smile, the happiness spreading through your face. Getting the hint, you carefully push yourself back a little, closer to him. His hand brushes on your thigh, and he abruptly moves it away, startling you. Your heart sinks a little, wondering if he'll fall back into whatever he was before.

“What?” Your voice is weak, making it clear you're scared.

“What are ya wearing?”

Oh. You didn't think it would be an issue. “Underwear.” You whisper, shrugging your shoulders. “All my shorts are dirty so I didn't have anything else.”

“Ya shouldn't be dressed like that when ya have a man on yer bed.” The words come out too fast and a little confusing.

“Daryl, I feel completely fine being here with you. Even though I'm in panties.” Being honest, you decide to let your heart out. This will be easier if you just say things straight forward, as Carol said you should. “And...” Searching for his hand under the blankets, you slowly bring it to the top of your thigh. The sensation of his fingers on your skin is warm, despite his fingertips still being cold. “I want you to know that you can touch me. I don't mind.” You whisper, eyes closing to take in the feeling of his touch a little better. “Actually, you're... You're the only man I'll ever want to touch me.” Maybe it's the sleep, pushing these words out. Maybe it's the long time you had Daryl away, thinking he was done with you. You don't know. The words came out and there's no way to take them back. And you don't want to. It's the truth.

He doesn't say anything, he doesn't move. Not for a while. You're about to ask him to say something, anything, when you feel his hand moving. Slowly, very slowly, his thumb starts caressing your skin. It burns in a good way. His hand then slides down, gently, from the top of your thigh to your knee. You feel like he's testing it, not sure why. Maybe he thinks you'll just give up the idea, be suddenly disgusted by his touch. But that's so far from the truth.

“That's nice.” You decide to say, giving voice to what you're feeling, so he'll know.

“Huh.” He sounds like he doesn't believe you.

“It is.” To reassure him, you move even closer, until your back is pressed against his chest. “Believe me.”

“Alright then.” He removes his hand, but it comes to embrace your waist, his grip firm around you, holding you close to his body. “Go to sleep now, babygirl.”

“Good night, D.”

×

@funeral-7 @heyyy-hey-babyyy @twdeadfanfic @soraitmnt @winchester-angel @bvbwestfall @shawtygonemad @cameronsails @pulplorrd @browneyes528

[everafterkeiji]

Song: La La Lost You by Niki

Summary: With him being the pro hero he is, time slips away while distance grows.

Pairings: Katsuki Bakugo x fem! reader

Word count: 4.8k

Warning: angst, cursing

Quirk: You can read minds and portray them in real life. Example: If they thought about a gun, you create the image of the gun and use the gun. Same goes for you, if you think about a bomb, a bomb is already in your hands ready to use.

Symbols: Italic= flashbacks

A/n: can you pls let me know if you'd like a part 2 fnejdn

While I'm on Sunset, are you on the subway?

While I drive, are you gettin' on the L-train?

Bakugo can feel the longing in his heart as he watches a couple pick out engagement rings. His fists tighten at the sight as he feels an ache in his heart while he longs for an embrace his body misses, a body he missed to cherished, pair of lips he missed to place upon his. He lowers his head as he does his nightly patrols. Winter coming in closer than he realized, another year passing by. He thought he wanted this year to end as fast as it could yet here he is, sorrow and regret on his shoulders. Half of his heart gone, nearly falling apart as he stares at every happy couple his eyes fall upon. Even if his fans came to him, no matter how loud the praises and compliments were thrown at him, he felt nothing.

All he wanted to feel was her.

He wanted to feel how warm she was pressed against him, he wanted to feel her lips on his once again, he wanted to hear her voice again. Not the voice he last heard that was full of sadness but the voice he loved to listen to whenever he had his nightmares, his insecure nights. The softness in her tone, the way every laugh of hers would sound ethereal to him, the feist in her words whenever they had their battles. Now all those sounds seem to grow deaf to him. It's been a year, a year without her. A rather long year for him. Everyday he had to wake up to a cold bed, no arms wrapped around him, no view for him to enjoy when he opens his eyes. The way your moments were held in the walls surrounding him, every milestone of your relationship cherished in one household. He felt as if it was mocking him, making him remember the happiness your relationship brought him.

Hope that eases the pain

So you remember to miss me

Before, your house was filled with pictures of you two. Now it was empty, a house for one man when it was supposed to be a house for his ever after with her. Where was his savior? Where are the soft melodies she'd sing to him whenever he had his insecurities drag him down? All these moments he can only replay in his mind.

As he opens the door, he remembers the smile that falls on his lips no matter how exhausted he was, ready to see his girlfriend safe and sound in their own house. He'd catch her asleep on the couch with her favorite blanket cuddled up to a stuff toy he won her in a game.

He lets out a tired sigh before stepping in the shower. He closes his eyes, trying to surpass the way his eyes wanted to shed tears at the sight of her without his side. The more he tries to ignore it, the farther she gets from his view. He only remembers the way he raised his voice at her, the tears that ran down her cheek. The hurtful things that left his mouth, he never meant to say.

Unsaid things only to be said to a wall as his chances were slimming down as time passes. The words he wanted to say only being said when he was intoxicated but the person he badly wanted to say it to wasn't there to listen.

Does the trick for all of the things left unsaid

He didn't dare to face his friends, knowing questions and reactions are the only things he's gonna get from them. They'd be the ones to mention your name when they notice your disappearance. Kirishima knows about the split and has made many attempts to get the blonde back on his feet like he used to but every attempt would just end in bottles on the floor and carrying Bakugos intoxicated body back in your old couch.

Kirishimas heart wanted to cry for him.

Whenever your name was mentioned in missions or groups, he'd noticed the sadness that sets in his eyes and expression while he tries to hide it by being his aggressive self. Even as his best friend, there's nothing that he could do when the only solution to Bakugos heart was you.

You tried to ignore the fact that every night for a year you drowned out your emotions by overworking yourself and thinking that by being surrounded by lights and alcohol brought you contentment while you had no clue of what your other half was doing. Like him, you craved nothing more than to be with him.

Some have tried to contact you, you tried to sound believable as possible. Trying to sound like the boy you love was still around you pulling pranks behind you or him randomly wrapping his arms around you.

But you're on the other side of the country.

An offer you couldn't possibly lose, not even letting him know where you were. Him only knowing when the news had caught you fighting off villains in a city he can't just run to when he missed you. You knew that distance never fixed anything but at this point is there anything to be fixed? When laid out in front of you two are broken pieces of your own hearts. Scatted in cities where he remembers you by, scattered in his clothes that fit like a dress on you, scattered in streets making a path for you two to retrace your steps and fix what's happened. Hanging onto memories day by day. Trying to grasp a reality that was too good to be true.

All my demons have your smile

Unlike him, your surroundings were new.

Everything was new. You weren't stuck to suffer in the place where your love blossomed, the new environment insisting you to change but the way you saw couples and kids ticked you off to the very least.

December hasn't been this cold than you remember it. You shed a tear or two whenever you overheard one of the heroes ramble on how excited she was that she was engaged. It would've been 6 years with him by next month and a ring should've been placed in your very hands by now knowing the shared conversations you two had about marriage.

Saddened by the thought of it, you head home changing out of your hero clothes. You sat in the train, your exhaustion getting the best of you as you opened your eyes to see Bakugo sitting in front of you but as you blink he was gone. As the train goes under a tunnel, you look at the window as your memories play like some movie scene. You turn to look at the couples that surrounded you and your mind betrays you thinking of a girl that can make Bakugo happy like you did.

The darkness of the train enabled you to cry. You covered your face in your hands as you let out a sob. As a hero you couldn't care if people saw you like this, everyone had a breaking point. You've had enough of today. You continue to cry as you tighten the grip on your sweater and on the necklace that you wore.

"Who knew you could do things like this?" You teased as he taps your nose. You were set on his lap as he brings out a box. His hand caresses your cheek as he looks at you with love, love and nothing more.

"Shut it, dumbass. Now turn around." You rolled your eyes as you turned around, your back facing his chest. He sits up properly, gently moving your h/c aside as a cold piece of jewelry was placed around your neck. Once it was attached, Bakugo pressed light kisses on your shoulder as he whispers for you to face him. When you did, he smiled.

"You look amazing, Y/N." He says with pink painted cheeks. You blushed at his words your hand playing with the necklace.

"What's this for, Katsuki?" You asked as you intertwined your hands with his. He kisses the back of your hand as he looks at you.

"So you'll always have me."

As you wipe your tears, you felt a buzz in the pocket of your jeans. Picking it up the name "kiri<3" flashes before you. Sniffling a bit, you decided to answer.

"Kirishima? Is everything okay?"

Meanwhile on the other line, Bakugos breath hitched at the sound of you. It was another night where he dragged Kirishima to another bar and drown his feelings. He begged Kirishima to dial your number, just to hear it even if it wasn't meant for him.

"Hey Y/N! Sorry if I called a little later than expected, you doing okay? This is really random and unmanly-"

"Kiri it's fine! I'm fine yeah just heading home. How are you by the way?" Bakugo stays silent as he hears your voice. He missed it so much. He hadn't felt this desperate since you left.

"Well I'm doing fine too, Y/N. Guess I kinda just miss my partner in crime." You smiled at his words, finally feeling relieved after your session of crying.

"I miss you too, Eiji. How-"

"Y/N!" A familiar voice suddenly rushing to your ears as you sit up. It's him. Bakugo tries to steal the phone from Kirishima but Kirishima won't give it to him, thinking it was wrong for Bakugo to talk to you in a state like this.

"Bakugo-" The call ends before you can even say anything else. Kirishima sighs as Bakugo notices the call has ended.

"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT FOR SHIT HEAD?!"

"WHY CAN'T YOU CALL HER ON YOUR OWN, BAKUGO!" Kirishima shouts. Bakugo is taken aback by his sudden burst of words. Bakugo stays silent as Kirishima puts his phone in the pocket of his jeans.

"If you love her why don't you call her yourself? Make some fucking plans with her, talk it out. You're suffering because you're weak enough to reach out to her. This would've been simple from the beginning when you actually had the balls to talk to her and apologize!"

"If you feels so shitty about Y/N leaving, we're her friends too you know. We also lost her. I always have your back Bakugo, but this time this is your problem." Kirishima leaves your apartment with a sigh of defeat as he glides over your phone number, texting a sorry before he went home. Bakugo had his head hung low, taking in every word he heard.

He's right. He thought.

You had a hand placed on your heart when you heard him. You figured that it didn't end well for Kirishima when the call ended. Your screen flashes before reading the message.

kiri<3: I'm really sorry about that Y/N, but I do miss you. we all do. especially bakugo.

When you were home, your hand traces over the blocked contact of your other half. You smile as you reread your past conversations. But as you hug your pillow shutting the device off, you felt your eyes close remembering the warmth you used to have when he slept beside you.

He came home from a patrol, promising to save as many as he can but ended up saving only half of what he intended to. The cries of people ringing in his ears. He felt low, unworthy, selfish, weak. He couldn't save them, he could've been better. Now he realizes the fear that grows on him that he can't always save you.

"What the fuck did you say, Katsuki?! You don't get to say shit like I'm not a hero like you! We're both fucking exhausted. I'm asking you for one, one day." You shout.

He wasn't as strong as you. He utters words that mean the complete opposite of what he wanted to say, even denying love when he first experienced it. So scared of feeling emotions since the only thing he relied on was himself. He is strong in battles, the thrill giving him life, excitement. This is what he wanted. To live the life of his idols, to surpass them and show them he meant every word when said he wanted to be #1. What he didn't want was a girl who held his heart with strings. Playing with his emotions, discovering the branches of love. Discovering how his world changed when he fell for the girl he could never reach. He didn't want his heart to be fragile. He wanted it to be tough and unbreakable, a barrier around it where no one can see through his sharp demeanor. But there she was. Breaking every barrier with ease. In this moment, his heart made barriers once again.

"I fucking meant it when I said I don't have any time to be with you anymore. I need to work, Y/N! Why cant you get that through your fucking skull" He shouts back, a finger to your forehead pushing you back. Your cheeks were from the anger that sprung to your spirits. Every part of you was aching with anger. Tears spilling from your eyes as he watches you.

"That's all you ever fucking do Katsuki! Do you just purposely forget that I also work hard and here I am asking for one night with my boyfriend and you're pushing me aside like I'm nothing to you!"

"Nothing?! Maybe you just don't fucking understand what I'm saying! I have my own shit to deal with and I can't always drop everything for your needy ass. Do you need me to pat you on the back for being a good hero? You shouldn't even call yourself a hero when I'm the reason you even made it this far, princess." You closed your eyes as your hands turned white from how much you were tightening them.

Y/N, don't believe it. Please. I'm begging you-

"OF COURSE YOU GOT ME HERE! Call me anything you want. Weak, laid back, unworthy, low, insecure, stupid, worthless, have at it but I'm fucking drowning in my own stress, shitty paper work and patrols. I am a hero. You don't get to fucking remove that title from me. While you got me here, you're forgetting all the shit I did for you!"

"The things you did for me? What, like love? That's nothing to me."

Love.

All the smiles you've given him. The moments where you made him realize that if he wasn't the #1 hero, the only thing that mattered him was you. The memories of you with your head on his shoulder enjoying the sunset while he talks about how much he loves you. The feeling of his hands intertwining with yours as you danced in your living room. The moment where he said he'd catch you no matter what. The moments where you would wake up to his kisses on your face. The feeling when you see him safe and sound as you hug him enjoying life when his love surrounded you. The feeling when you imagined yourself marrying the perfect man for you.The promises. Future plans. The kisses. Never ending hugs. 5 years with the person who made you the happiest, who made you determined, who made you feel like you can conquer anything, who made you believe in love even in the toughest ways.

It was all nothing.

You bite your lip as your head hung low. He hears your sobs and it wasn't enough for him to wake up from all this anger. He needed you just as much as you did, but in this moment he didn't realize it. He thought he needed a break, some silence to drown out the cries of the people he had left behind but now he can only hear his heart shattering. Piece by piece. Torn. With every word he says. With every glance he gives you, seeing you so hurt because of him. He bared no meaning to his words and he hopes you can see that he too needed saving but he notices the drop in your tone. Dull eyes, tear stained cheeks, unsteady breathing.

"I just w-wanted to be with you.. t-to be saved. To be saved from this asshole of a man claiming he loves but me pushes me away like dirt. A man who tells me an empty promise of always being there to catch me. Katsuki, was it all really nothing y-you?" He bites his lip before taking a step forward but you step back, life drained out of you. Every color saturated to liveliness was nothing but black and white now. Storms and heavy weather. Tears and broken hearts.

I can't do this.

"I just can't save you anymore." He whispers but you heard it clear as day. You let out the most painful sob as your knees give in, a thud to the floor as you cover your face in your hands. Now the fear in his head of him never saving you, he only faces the truth that he can't save everyone, even you. Your sobs echoed through the house as he turns around to wipe away his tears, a hand to his pained chest. As his back was turned to you, you left to go to your room. He notices your disappearance as he only sits on the couch, knowing the events that were to happen next. You grabbed a bag stuffing in whatever you could as you continued to release your sorrows. When you were finished you took a last good look on your room. The room where every nightmare was comforted with love, the room where secrets were shared, deep fears, everything. You take a deep breath before opening the door. You see him sitting on the couch with his head in his hands.

-

You both wake up with tears in your eyes as your head weighed a ton, making you grip your pillow with such force, completely unhappy you were greeted this way. You looked up at the mirror to see bags under your eyes, puff cheeks, and a version of you that you despised to see everyday.

Not a single glow of happiness.

You weren't ready to face another tiresome day at the agency but your limbs forced you to knowing it'd be another patrol then by the night some paperwork and then patrolling once again. His words replayed in your mind, still affecting you with how he belittled you as a hero. Sure, you couldn't save millions but you saved hundreds, even if you were on brim of your quirk affecting your mental state, you would still save thousands.

And it pains you that he doesn't even notice how your quirk affects your mental being.

It takes immense focus for you to portray what you needed, and it requires you to be sharp and quick with your mind. Yet, overusing it alters the reality you wanted. Your mind playing a sick game to your overall being, stuck in the darkest part of your mind, leading you the same night that started it all.

But he still wouldn't save you.

-

Bakugo had his vermilion eyes on the road, as the others discussed on the upcoming mission. He didn't even bother to pay interest on where they were going, more focused on fighting with the villain and finishing the job.

Maybe it was the hundredth time today where he thought about you.

He looks at the beautiful scenery in front of him, and his mind leads him to remember your smile and your features he loved to gaze his eyes on. Now, villains and explosions were the only things that clouded his vision or sometimes the sight of his companions, which didn't really help him.

Then the vehicle comes to a stop, his eyes landing on a store. Seen through the glass was a beautiful dress, painted in her favorite color, with the perfect length and dainty design. He smiles to himself, visualizing how stunning she'd look wearing it, especially seeing her skin looking so bright and healthy under the winter atmosphere.

She'd love that. He says to himself, feeling bittersweet that he wanted to buy it, but who would even wear it? He can't just give it to her without having a conversation. Even if it's been nearly a year, how can he prepare for something he avoided?

He steps out of the vehicle, feeling exhausted thinking about her. He hears his companions talk about splitting up so each hero wouldn't be suspected, he agrees with them, not even bothering to give them a snarky comment. He was too occupied with the thought of you in that splendid dress.

He wonders around the city, hands to his pockets. Especially in his hero costume, he received so many stares from the people. He'd either glare back at them or ignore them completely, but this time he just let them stare for as long as they liked. The only pair of eyes he wanted to land on him was yours, your ever stunning ones.

He remembers the moments where the sun beamed perfectly on your eyes, depicting the color with such grace and beauty. He remembers every memory where your eyes were gateways to your emotions, filled with such genuine and love. It even helped him at times where words weren't needed to express the way he felt. He loved how you managed to read him so easily, like a book she's memorized every page of. Even the slightest change in his tone, you were able to pick it up and soon interrogate him if he was okay.

He watches a couple who had boxes in their hands with smiles evident in their eyes and lips. He watches as the man gestures to help the girl but she declines walking ahead of him, he follows behind the girl making sure the boxes wouldn't fall.

"Katsuki stop!" She shouts with a giggle, he ignores her completely, pushing her slightly to make the boxes fall. She completely looses balance as the boxs fall on the floor. She gasps as she runs to punish the blonde as he quickly puts down the boxes as he runs away from her. You can hear her screaming profanities at the man as the couple runs around outside their house.

Bakugo hides from her, eyeing her from his secret spot. He takes the opportunity when he sees her completely confused he was gone, so he takes you by surprise by slinging you over his shoulders, chuckling at how she threw mild punches at his back.

"Babe! How are we gonna finish moving in our stuff!" She says with a laugh, still trying to beg for him to put her down. He spins around making her laugh even more as he sets her on the ground. The sun beams down on them, her eyes glowing so beautifully under the golden light. His hand reaches her cheeks, squishing it lightly as he smiles at her expression.

"Who said we even needed to finish it today? C'mon. We have the house all to ourselves." Katsuki says, as you sighed giving into him. He smirks to himself as he lifted you off the ground once again, swinging you over his shoulders too easily.

"Baby!"

His eyes wander elsewhere, feeling his chest tightening once again at the memories that resurface upon him.

After a long fight with a villain who kept scarring you with their weapon, your mind was completely going to collapse at any minute. You've been creating bullets and barriers for so long you didn't notice how other objects that you didn't need were suddenly made, dropping behind you. You can feel the throbbing pain of your head as you limped to the town. Random objects still were popping up every minute and it annoyed you how your quirk was out of your grasp.

(TW! Hallucination/Panic attack)

You simply wanted water and some first aid kit to make sure you make it to your agency but when you imagined the bottle of water, you immediately acted like it was created but it wasn't. All the things that you thought you made weren't there and you felt your eyes feel droopy as you let your hand hold onto the wall for support. It was starting to alter your reality, making it worse for you to think straight while your thoughts were all tied in loops from overusing it. Your vision blurring at the sight of people who were walking by.

Your mind was growing more and more explosive as you felt pain surround your head. You let out a scream as you felt every part of your head ache as unnecessary objects were still appearing beside you. This scream alerts the people but they chose not to gather around you, unsure what was happening. They were all muttering questions but this only added to the problem as you started panting, harshly closing your eyes trying to avoid any eye contact from them. You heard a loud shout before your mind completely goes blank, feeling like you were shot. It happened all too fast as you fall to your knees, mind empty and damaged, your system completely failing to support you as a person was seen pushing through the sea of people.

Then, their eyes met.