#a friendship is sometimes built over nerdy stuff and that's beautiful

[devoraqs]

To Know the Cosmos

Summary: Alexander comes to Nadia with an idea. (Set post-Asra Upright, alternate title: Alexander and Nadia nerd out about physics and stuff)

Characters: Nadia Satrinava, Alexander MacRionnag

Word Count: 1633 (+art)

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It was an airy summer morning, the kind that one only found in early December, that greeted Alexander and Nadia as they stepped out into the Palace gardens. Lughnasa and Chandra had winged their way ahead, the owl’s graceful arcs in the sky circling the magpie’s brisk fitting. Nadia and Alexander smiled as they watched the two birds, and Alexander took Nadia’s arm as they began to walk. 

They strolled in comfortable silence first, enjoying the warm breeze that carried wafts of the first summer blooms. Nadia hummed a bit every so often, and Alexander would join in, or Alexander would offer a quip or pun that would leave them both chuckling. Conversation eventually followed, ‘I trust your honeymoon was pleasant,” Nadia said, “you look well rested,”

“It was wonderful,” Alexander smiled, “Zadithi evenings are unmatched. Asra and Faust have never been happier. He sends his apologies, by the way, he wanted to join us but there was work to do at the shop.”

“Understandable,” Nadia nodded, “I should like to see him, though, perhaps I may pay you a visit before long?”

“Absolutely, we’d love to have you,” he said, though the small talk had made him think, “Actually, Nadia, might I propose something?”

Nadia tilted her head in interest, “Go on.”

“I studied in Zadith, as did Aisha and Salim. Their education is some of the best in the world. I had wondered if we might do something for Vesuvians too. Not just the university, I mean. More. Something accessible to every person and child. A library, or lecture hall, or… something else.”

“Else?” Nadia asked keenly, “What did you have in mind?”

“This would require your help. Not just funding, mind, but you.”

“I?”

“Aye,”

They both laughed at the unintentional wordplay, before Alexander continued, “You’re one of the best engineers I know, and certainly the most capable of what I’m thinking of. In Zadith there is a large hall, a rotunda really, that is full of glass replicas of planets and stars. An astrolabe, almost, but vast. One that you can walk amongst. Most of it to scale, too. And the best thing, Nadi, they move. There’s a clockwork operation system in place that simulates the orbit and rotation of the Earth and the planets. One could follow Venus as she circles the sun, or see how Jupiter dances with Ganymede and Io. It’s incredible, unlike anything I’ve ever seen before. And what’s more, everyone may see it. Everyone may learn. I want this for Vesuvia, a public amenity and source of entertainment and learning in one!”

Nadia’s eyes were wide, and glimmering with excitement, “A wonderful idea!” She exclaimed, “A planetarium!”

“Precisely,” Alexander replied, “And what’s more, I believe that the metalwork of the frames and gears could be alchemically enhanced. There is a method of making an alloy of magic and metal which gives it dexterity and strength, Aisha and Salim developed it. It requires a particularly inert metal, perhaps copper or silver, maybe a steel, and the magic is infused into it. Then, not only could the planets move, we could make it so that it is as accurate as we know the actual spheres to be. It would mean sophisticated gears and some complex designs to get it to work right, and to hang in perfect balance and order like the celestial bodies they’re in the image of but-“

“But it is certainly within our capabilities!” Nadia finished, then flushed slightly at her interjection, “Forgive my outburst, dear Alexander,”

“Not at all,”

“Oh, but the scale and intricacy of the project… it is certainly more complex than the automatons I have made before.”

Alexander bumped her shoulder lightly, affectionately, “Nadi, I would have not posited this at all if I didn’t believe that you would achieve it. My mother and father in law have already expressed interest in helping, and then… You’ve a brilliant eye for these things. Consider the clocks you crafted, the one in the ballroom and the one atop the steeple. Smoothly running and always accurate, aye?”

Nadia cocked her head,  “Indeed. What do you… aha! I see! To make the model rotate and move in real time with constancy and reliability, it requires the same kind of machinery but on a planetary scale. For the planets, and the moons I would imagine. Perchance even we could hang the constellations in the periphery, fill the sky with stars. And the alchemical alloy will aid in this?”

“That’s the idea. I really think it could work.”

Nadia hummed, her eyes tracing some of the clouds in the horizon as she thought, “In my mind’s eye I can see the kind of structures that would support this. A ring and pulley system, a pendulum and counterweights… Like an astrolabe, you say? But one powered by clockwork… this will be quite an undertaking for us all. A feat of science in and of itself to construct… Oh! But of course, why not show the process as well? If this is to be a centre of learning, I should like for there be as much on offer for the people to learn as possible. A masterpiece of alchemy and engineering is one thing, but explaining how such a piece came into being is another altogether.”

Alexander nodded vehemently, “A museum! A museum dedicated to the scientific and magical arts! I shall say, this may be a first for Vesuvia,”

“And one long overdue,” Nadia said resolutely, “I care for these people, and they are still recovering from Lucio’s disaster of a reign. I am doing what I can to improve their welfare,”

“And you are doing splendidly,” Alexander interjected gently,

“Thank you,” Nadia’s lip twitched into a bashful smile for a moment, “though it is one thing to survive, another to live. I want to help them live. Maybe a museum and a planetarium made of science and magic in harmony would be a start.”

“It would be a start,” Alexander agreed.

“Funding… this will be a large expense, one that may seem frivolous while residents in the formerly flooded district are still struggling. Perhaps I might call upon the courtiers and nobility to donate,” a wry, dry smile played on her face, “they can never refuse a party, maybe a fundraising gala is in order. And then, the kudos and bragging rights when they inevitably must have a dedication laid to them in thanks for their generosity. A means to an end, it would mean something useful coming from them at least.”

Nadia and Alexander came to a stop before one of the ponds that dotted the grounds. The sun was reflected clearly in it, a bright disc gleaming in the still water. 

“We can make the model sun actually shine,” Nadia mused, “I have read one of your papers, the one that theorised that light emitting spells are one and the same as the light from stars,”

“The Treatise on Celestiomagical Fusion,” Alexander said, “one of the first I wrote after my doctorate, I actually remember researching and writing that now. Astrolocational charge made me realise that there is magic in the cosmos, more than we previously thought. And I and other astronomers believe that all of the universe is made of the same stuff. I refuse to believe that the earth is that unique on the material level, and that means magical charge too. 

“So why, when we on earth make light from magic, would not the stars function with a similar practice? And we can recreate that. The sun at the centre of the solar system would be the smaller cousin of the true star, but tangible.”

“I have more theories too, ones that I can’t really put into words just yet, I’d need to research more. Who knows, there might be more breakthroughs to be had. One day… Nadia do you think that one day, as we understand more about how physical matter and magical matter interact, that we could one day leave the Earth? Journey to the moon? Visit the planets in person in place of seeing their earthly rendering?”

“Perhaps. I certainly like to think we could, one day. We travel to the Realms of the Arcana,” Nadia replied, “and in doing so we leave Earth, but we step out of time itself. Further than the moon, yet closer. I wonder how they fit.”

Alexander frowned, “As do I. They are beings made of dust and stardust, like we are. They exist on a physical plane, even if it is seemingly a different one to the rock of the earth. If there’s one thing about the Arcana that I’m sure of, though, it is that we will never be sure of what they are and why they are. No amount of experiments or philosophy will give us answers. The Fool, for example. By the gods-!”

He rolled his eyes and Nadia laughed, “I see you and your patron do not often see eye to eye,”

“It’s not that,” Alexander grumbled, “it’s just that I can never get a straight answer out of them. They’re worse than the Magician. Sometimes Scout has to help, and even then I don’t think he knows what that deer...bird... person is on about. I ask a question, I get a riddle in response. And I say ‘I’m a scientist, not a philosopher! I like having answers to things!’ and then they laugh at me. Even the most strange objects observable in my telescope are more logical… Strike me, I swear we do get along! It’s just… oh, you know.”

“I do. Come, dear Alexander, let us finish out walk, then we can send for your parents in law and hopefully start drawing up plans. I’ve a good feeling about this.”

“Aye, me too.”

[levi-ish]

13 going on 30 Spider-Man AU

so I had this idea in my head for a while and just thought that this would be really cool to write about

And I’m really sorry. English is not my first language

if you haven’t watched this movie yet PLEASE WATCH (it’s my favorite don’t even get me started) 

SPOILERS AHEAD // hope you like it <3

Ok, let’s start then (this starts in the 80s)

so you and Peter have been best friends since ever 

started with you being next door neighbours and outcasts at school

Peter was this really skinny nerdy boy and you were awkard and really smart  

you had this habit to share sweets (RAZZLES) and to greet each other in another languages

“Arrivederci” “Au revoir”

your relationship was based on mutual trust and weird stuff that only you two understood

seriosly you could almost talk telepathically

Peter had this hobby to take pictures around and sometimes he even took them for the school paper and some of you 

you have ever wanted to work on your favorite magazine (Poise) editorial and you have like all of their editions

the story really starts when you had the yearbook shoot in your 13th birthday and turns out B A D

but you don’t get too sad ‘cause Peter said that it looked good 

“don’t worry Y/N, it can’t be worse than mine. I actually sneezed!”

six girls walks down the corridor like it was a catwalk and stops right in front of you

oops, forgot to tell you that Y/N really wanted to be popular and those girls used her for homework and projects

Peter knew about that and tried to warn you but guess what, you didn’t listen

the leader of their gang (Tom-Tom) usually approached you two to make fun of Peter and you used to follow her lead, laughing together

shitty habit i know

and on that they she told you that her group and your crush Flash Thompson wouldn’t come over to your party unless they finish their group project 

so you say you would do it for them ‘cause you’re too naive to see bad in people

when you come home you start to get ready for your party, doing your makeup and picking a outfit that would fit better with the mean girls even putting some tissues on your top to look like you have boobs but nobody needs to know that

so while getting ready you read the last edition of Poise magazine and saw a story saying that the 30s are the best years of your life and claims that you want to be 30

“30, flirty and thriving.”

then you go down to your basement where the party would be held and put your jam on

I’m talking about Thriller ‘cause you know the whole choreography

when Peter arrived he just watched you dance because he is so fuCKING CUTE AND NEEDS TO BE PROTECTED

then he gives you the big box with a pink lace on top that is your present 

“You know how you always wanted a Barbie Dream House? Well, I decided to make you your own Y/N Dream House”

you just stare to the big doll house that he built by himlsef and made just for you, showing all the rooms and faces from old pictures cut and glued to little dolls 

then he sprinkles wishing dust all over the little roof and you close your eyes to make a wish by the time the doorbell rings

you began to panic and put the house away like it meant nothing and Peter just looks at you with his big doe eyes and feels his heart starting to break

the party starts and all of your guests are in the basement 

Tom-Tom starts to be mean to Peter and you again follow her lead so he goes upstairs 

then again, Tom-Tom comes into scene and suggests to play 7 minutes in heaven and says to you that Flash is dying to kiss you, but doesn’t closes the closet door before asking you where is her project and puts a blindfold in your eyes

Tom-Tom’s gang and Flash’s friends starts to leave the party and Tom-Tom finds Peter and says that you were waiting for him in the closet

so when he opens the door he sees you with a smile eye-to-eye and his world lights up

“I thought you weren’t gonna come”

he’s just so happy to hear that that he entrelaces your fingers together and leans in for a kiss, never making it because you called him “Flash” 

it all goes downhill when you see that it’s Peter and everybody is gone and you started to blame him and locked yourself on the closet

you slides down the shelf where the Y/N Dream House is and starts to hit your head back, making the whole shelf move and some wishing dust to fall on you while you keep saying:

“I wanna be 30“

Here’s where the shit goes REALLY crazy

You wake up in a bed that isn’t yours and a flat that isn’t yours either

you find a mirror and sees that the reflection isn’t the same too

then you find a weird nude guy calling you sweetbun

you leave your flat in your pajamas after you saw his thingy and finds a blonde woman standing in front of a car and screaming at her phone and telling you to get in

so you starts to find out a lot of things about you and it comes to your mind that your wish was fulfilled. You are now 30 and were the editor of the Poise magazine, best friends with Tom-Tom (now you call her Lucy) and prom queen with Flash as prom king.

but then you starts to miss Peter and wonder where he is, so you ask your secretary to find him

when she does you leave the office and runs across the city to find his flat and knock on his door

“You’re not chinese”

you just stares at him and realizes that Peter isn’t a skinny nerdy guy. Now he’s tall and strong, with abs showing on his shirt and his wavy hair is now pulled back giving a whole new and hotter look.

then your panic comes back when he tells you that you’re not best friends anymore and you find yourself sitting in a bench while holding a fluffy pillow and drinking a glass of water

when you calm down you two go back to your apartment and you find your yearbook seeing the pictures of prom and Tom-Tom’s gang that you turned out to be their leader

“This is incredible, I can’t believe that I got everything I’ve ever wanted” “Yeah Y/N, you got it all. Congratulations.”

You receive a call telling you about a Poise party at night and you invite Peter to come and he says that he’ll think about it

by the night you starts to get ready ala 80′s style and find thongs in your HUGE closet

“Can you tell I’m wearing underwear? ‘Cause I totally am”

when you get to the party you find Lucy and asks for a drink

“ I'll have a Pina Colada, not virgin. Wanna see my ID? Totally have it!”

then your boss comes to you and starts to panic about people starting to leave so you get an idea and go to the DJ

Thriller starts to play and you go to the middle of the dance floor, doing the choreography

starting to feel uncomfortable alone, you find Peter in the crowd and your heart skips a beat, your feet in a hurry to get him and making him dance with you

and literally everybody starts to dance too and your boss is so happy

but Peter says he need to leave and you hold hands for a second and your whole body heats up, having a weird sensation by the time he lefts

time passes and one night you’re outside a restaurant with Lucy and you see Peter walking by and ask what he’s doing there

then a beautiful ginger girl appears on his side and he introduces her as his fiancée, Mary Jane

your heart breaks a little and you feel numb for a second

you come back to your reality when the naked guy appears on your side and started to talk to Peter and his fiancée

Peter then leave and Lucy tells you to go to the naked guy’s (Alex’s) flat to play games

when you get there you suggests battleship and he starts to kiss your ear and you don’t know what to do while he keeps flirting

then he starts to striptease and do a weird dance and you look away trying to hide your shame

“Put your penis away, I don’t want to see it again!”

as the days goes by you start to realize what an awful person you’ve become on this alternative universe. You found that you have been screwing your coworkers husband and things that you never knew you could do

feeling bad, you go to Peter’s apartment and ask him if he wanted to go for a walk

you start to talk about the future and his wedding plans 

then curiosity strikes you and you finally ask him about what happened to your friendship

you watch the pain in his eyes while he tells you about your 13th party 

he says that you threw the Y/N Dream House that he spent 3 weeks building at him and never talked to him again

you feel awful

you became a monster after all

after that night you crash into your parents house and locks yourself in the same closet from your birthday party and realizes that the Y/N Dream House isn’t there

so you hit your head purposely on the same shelf and your parents find you in there

the morning after your mother makes you pancakes with blueberry eyes 

“If you were given one do over anything in your life what would it be?” “Nothing” “Really?” “Really.” “But did you ever make a big mistake... a huge one that could change your life... what about that?” “Well, Y/N, I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes but I don’t regret any of them” “How come?” “Because If I haven’t had make them I wouldn’t have learned how to do things right.”

going through the pages of your yearbook you see that Peter was the one who took the pictures and a huge idea comes into your mind

you hire Peter to do a photoshoot with people recreating those pictures and have lots of fun while doing that

he can’t take his eyes off of you and his hearts melts a little whenever you laugh

you even dance together under the fake snow while doing the winter dance shoot

he even gives you a white peony while doing the class of 2004

later that day you two started to talk about the past and you two get Razzles and go for a walk 

“Hey Peter, tell me something. What color is my tongue?” “Is red, I don’t know... red?” “Red red or Razzles red?”

then you two started to compete who would go higher on a swingset 

it was beautiful ‘till you two fell

and it was beautiful again when you landed on his chest and his hand started to caress your bare sholder sending you chills on your spine

“Hey, you got arm hair” “Never got quite that reaction before.”

then you two started to smile at each other like the two dorks you were in the past and he leans in to kiss you

it was magical, every second of it. You just wished you could stay like that forever

when the day of the presentations came, you were super nervous to show your ideas ‘cause you were afraid about the opinions

so Lucy presents first and it wasn’t very well

and when you present your project, everybody go crazy about it and loving the idea of the class of 2004

but Lucy wasn’t very happy and goes to your office to find out that you were the one that was selling Poise ideas to Sparkle, the rival magazine

Peter goes to your office to talk to you and finds Lucy, who said to him that you changed your mind about his pictures and hired someone more professional 

so you decided to go to his apartment to tell him that everybody loved his photos and you find Mary Jane wearing one of his shirts

the special one that he was wearing when they kissed on the playground

and she tells you that she will tell him when he gets back from picking up his tux and that they’re getting married on the next day

your heart completly breaks

the next day when you go to work you find out the whole floor empty and everybody packing from their offices

your boss tells you that Sparkle published your story and you find out that Lucy did it and she throws in your face all of the bad things you have done and how you sold all of the Poise stories to Sparkle

feeling worse than ever you decided to go to Peter’s wedding and calls a cab

later on you find out that the cab driver is actually Flash Thompson and just jumps out of it running like crazy

when you arrived at Peter’s yard you entered the house and ran to his old room, finding he knotting his tie while looking at the window

he looks at you and you can swear you saw a sparkle in his eyes

and you did

so you tried to tell him that Lucy was talking about a person that wasn’t you anymore

“It doesn’t matter what Lucy said. I stopped trusting her after she stole my poprocks on the third grade.”

you can’t help but smile at him and his dorkness

“Peter, I have to believe that if you knew that... if in your heart you really really knew that, you wouldn’t be getting married to someone right now, unless that someone were me”

he doesn’t look at you and you begin to panic already regretting but feeling like going on.

you started to miss his eyes and every blink looks like an eternity

“Y/N, I’m not gonna lie to you... I’ve felt things this past weeks that I didn’t know that I could feel anymore.”

you feel a smile forming on your lips but disappearing right after he completes his sentence.

“But I’ve realized in this past few days... you can’t just turn back time”

when you question him about it, he said that he’d moved on and you had too. And when he mentions Mary Jane you think about how good she is to him and can’t feel comfortable about the view of him wearing that tux and being ready to say “yes”

so you started to cry

then he opens his closet and you see the Y/N Dream House, feeling a knot involving all of your internal organs and or fingers start to tremble

you cry even more

it still have the wishing dust all over the plastic roof and you feel your heart warms at the thought of him putting it all over

he gives it to you and you hold the dream house in your arms, trying to feel it like one of his hugs and smile at him

“I’ll be fine, go on! I’m just crying because I’m happy... I-I want you to be so so happy”

talking a deep breath, your voice starts to shake while he gives you a sad smile

“I love you, Peter. You’re my best friend”. 

when you put your hand on the doorknob he took an audible deep breath

“Y/N, I’ve always loved you”

and your mind lingers on the word “loved” 

he loved you, but now he loves Mary Jane

so you go down the stairs and sit in the front yard, still holding the Y/N Dream House

the wedding music started playing and every melody sounded lower than your heart breaking a little more while your chest felt so heavy that it could send you to the ground in a blink

you started to play with the objects in the little rooms on the doll house and the wind started to blow against your face

you didn’t even care, your mind was only focused on how you wanted to be with Peter

and suddently there was wishing dust all over the ar, flying around you as your eyes were closed, trying to fight against the tears

you started to hear a song that wasn’t a wedding song and tried to open your eyes, being stopped by a blindfold

as you took it off, you saw that you were back again in that closet in your 13th birthday party and a warm feeling was all over you

Peter opened the closet door and you attacked him with a hug and kissed him

on his lips!

“Wow, you really know what you’re doing!”

you smiled at him and grabbed his hand, leading him upstairs and found Tom-Tom in the middle of it

you saw the group project that you did by yourself in her hands and ripped it appart, smirking at her and running again

“C’mon Peter, we’re gonna be late!” “For what?” “You’ll see!”

as the years passed, you and Peter only grew stronger and loving each other even more

the wedding music was now played for you two while you walked down the aisle and find his marvelous smile waiting for you

soon you two moved to a brand new house

Y/N and Peter Dream House

[kris0ten]

The Truth About Aaron Pathammavong

I’m taking a moment to record the story of my last relationship. For no one in particular. For posterity. It’s been a couple months and I’m finally starting to feel like myself again - going through a breakup can feel like waking up from a coma - but naturally I’m still angry at how selfish and awful this one particular human was after I invested so much in him. Despite all this, I have high hopes for my future and I’m so relieved to be free from lies. This is what happened:

I met Aaron through friends and at first wasn’t terribly impressed beyond the fact that he dressed well. But we connected through Facebook and I saw that he was geeky and excited about a lot of stuff. I wasn’t sure if he was taken because he made this status about how he was going to fly to the east coast to surprise this girl. But months later I commented on his photo and we started talking. He asked me to hang out almost immediately. He said he’d make it “worth my while”.

I liked his earnest confidence. And we hit it off right away. We liked the same stuff, we had a similar sense of humor, good friends in common, and a natural chemistry and attraction. I noticed his impatience right away - he asked me what I was looking for in a guy on our first date (that I wasn’t even sure was a date) - but I thought it was refreshing to be with someone so straightforward and with whom I could be completely honest.

He kept asking me out and he was funny and a really great date planner. I was stunned and frankly intoxicated by how good things could be. Sweet, funny, tall guy with the cool industry job who loved creative, nerdy stuff just like me. On top of that well-dressed, clean, and so loving and generous to everyone around him. I kissed him first, but in most other things during our courtship phase he was the leader. He was so eager, had so much love to give. And falling in love with him was as easy as breathing. So when he asked me to be his girlfriend, I… made him wait 2 weeks. And then said yes.

Being the overthinking, overly cautious, careful, analytical person that I am, I told my roommate “This is too good to be true. There’s gotta be some sort of catch. This has been too easy.” And some of his issues did come out of the woodwork. There was that girl who emailed me out of the blue to alert me that he had been chatting with her on a dating app while also talking to me. I wrote her off as jealous. There were his trust issues from getting cheated on in the past - it made him prone to emotional outbursts. I made sure to create trust and safety and include him in my friendships with guys. When he’d have emotional outbursts, I’d comfort him and calm him and center him. I’d facilitate a discussion about his feelings and a solution for dealing with them and talking about them. And he’d always apologize and ask me for another chance. I thought he was scarred by traumatic things that had happened to him, and that by giving him a healthy healing relationship he’d be okay. Sometimes he was inappropriately generous - like wanting to buy expensive gifts for a friend who has a boyfriend. I’d have to reel him back in. But who can fault someone who just wants to make other people happy? I saw him as this overexcited puppy - a little over the top, but so well-meaning. Then there were the lies. They’d happen randomly about small, stupid things. He said he sold my old computer and he didn’t. He said he bought me a tote bag in Japan and he actually got it in the US (he lied 3x about this). Lied that he’d never borrowed money from his parents, when he had. Lied that he wasn’t talking to his ex, when he was. When I’d catch him lying, I’d confront him. The way I understood it, lying was his way of telling people what he thinks they want to hear in order to keep them around - a symptom of his abandonment issues from his parents’ divorce. So I’d sit him down, explain that lying didn’t make me happy. He apologized, added my fingerprint to his phone as a gesture of transparency, and asked for another chance. And I gave it to him every time. After all, if someone can recognize their flaws and want to work on them, isn’t that enough? His light seemed to shine so much brighter than his darkness. I didn’t realize they weren’t surface flaws from some unfortunate circumstances. They ran much deeper. But we’ll get to that. I took a chance of him, because based on the information I had at the time, it seemed more than worth it.

At the start he would say that what he loved most about me was the way I made him feel. That he could be himself with me. I said I wanted him to love me for me. And it seemed that with some time he did. He said, “I’ve found someone who can love me for who I am, that isn’t a pushover and has opinions of their own. Someone who can enlighten me and bring new things into my life from her experiences in life. Someone who can learn what it means to be loved by me, and wants me. I know there are parts of me that are still broken, and I wish I could fix them all right now for you. But it’s gonna take time, and I’m very happy to know that I have someone like you walking by me every step thus far. You’re a gift, you’re the most precious thing that has entered my life. I’ve learned to love again, and I’m gonna become a stronger and better man for you.” The sincerity always got me. I figured if I had a relationship built on being open and honest with each other, where we were committed to solving anything together, we would be okay. I didn’t know that I didn’t have that.

We hit it off with each other’s families, with each other’s friends. As a Florida transplant, he missed the feeling of family, so I let him into mine and they welcomed him. And after enough talks about stupid lies, I really wanted to trust him. So I stopped checking up on him or asking him for proof. The problems seemed to be fixed. There were less emotional outbursts. Things felt amazing. And then he asked me to move in with him. He was getting kicked out of his place in Santa Monica and wanted to take that next step with me. At first I was extremely resistant - I didn’t want to give up my independence - but after talking and thinking it over I came around to it. I had a lot of fears about it, but he addressed them all. He said we would balance our time and our space, we’d figure out our mix of cleanliness (him) and chaos (me). He said his standards for being clean would be greatly relaxed. He committed to me. He said that marriage, that forever, was in the cards for us and he wanted to take this step to be sure. We even met with my parents to discuss it, and we took the plunge.

All my fears were unwarranted. We got along fantastically, I learned to cook for the both of us regularly, he’d make breakfast on the weekends, I’d shop for supplies, he’d dust and vacuum and do dishes. We had company over and our apartment instantly felt like home. It was a home we made together. Christmas tree and all. We traveled, worked hard, supported each other through difficult situations, watched our favorite movies and tv together, surprised each other, everything. I couldn’t believe this much happiness was possible. Not for one second did I doubt he was the one for me. I thought I was so lucky, because isn’t it rare to feel like you’ve found your 100% match? Most people feel like they have an 85%, and they wonder if they should shoot for that extra 15%. I didn’t. I was so, stupidly sure.

In October he drunkenly declared to me, “I’m gonna engage you so hard”, and "give you the wedding of your dreams”. In that moment I laughed in his face, but it touched my heart anyway.

On New Year’s Eve, after our small get-together at our apartment he said, “I didn’t want to say my real New Years resolution out loud in the group because it felt like too much pressure.” He paused. I waited a bit before prompting. “So what is it?“ "2017… is gonna be the year of the ring.” I froze. Didn’t even dare to breathe. And after a moment spent absorbing his words, I kissed him on the cheek. "Don’t forget to ask my parents first.” Shortly after that we did some ring shopping together - I was clear that there was ZERO rush, but this way we’d know what I like and then I wouldn’t have to think about it anymore. He even named his budget and looked at some men’s rings too. At my request, we went to premarital/preengagement counseling - not because anything was wrong, but because I wanted to know what it means to be married, what it takes, and what to look out for.

Around the 18 month mark, the dynamic began to shift a bit - pretty subtly to me. I’d been in a long term relationship before, so I know what that’s like and I know that it’s bound to happen with anybody. I actually kinda like the stability of it. I warned him about it, for what it’s worth. I warned him that the honeymoon period ends. But I also told him that what kicks in after that is beautiful in itself - a love that isn’t just feelings and adrenaline, a love that’s a decision and a commitment to stand by your person even on the days when you don’t really like them that much. So I thought that’s what was happening, and while sometimes I missed the adrenaline of the courting stage, I found comfort in knowing that this guy was here to stay. We didn’t text so much during the day, but it gave us more to talk about at night. He started going to the gym and dinner with his coworkers twice a week and would get back late. I didn’t mind, I thought it gave us a healthy life balance. He cuddled me less and slept with his back turned more. I figured it’s because his arm falls asleep if we cuddle too long. We did a lot more watching tv and staying in together rather than going out, but I figured it’s because life had gotten really busy and what we needed was downtime. Particularly with my ailing grandparents now local, even seeing family was draining. But through all of this, I found comfort in the thought that if anything was bothering him, he’d let me know. If there was a problem, he’d let me know. Because that’s what our relationship was built on. Right? And it wasn’t as if our relationship became a monotonous, loveless “what do you want for dinner” routine. Our texts from the last month of the relationship were full of jokes and love and pet names and generosity and surprises. Offers of massages after stressful days. Compliments and I love you’s.

I don’t know how to start the story of the beginning of the end, because I didn’t see it coming. It probably gestated in his mind for months. For me, there was no warning, no protection, no chance. I guess I’ll start with what happened, and then go into my take on why/how. We were nearing the end of our premarital counseling. In private, he suddenly asked, “What if marriage just isn’t for me?” He said he was afraid of hurting me, of letting down my friends and family. Being my cool, calm, rational self... I didn’t take it personally. I said that it was a good question to ask now rather than later, because marriage is a big decision not to be taken lightly. I figured it was an irrational fear stemming from the failed marriage of his parents. I said he was brave for wanting to dig deeper into that question, and encouraged his idea to talk to the therapist one on one. I asked him if it was the idea of marriage in general that was the problem, or if it was me. He assured me it wasn’t me. We did a last session together - she said we were super compatible and was confident we could tackle anything together. The next week he went to therapy alone. Then he went to a work-related concert. He came home, I made him dinner, and then he tried to break up with me. It wasn’t exactly planned, but it seemed like he couldn’t hold it in anymore - despite the therapist’s explicit instructions not to tell me anything until they met again. He started by talking about his fears again, and I got the sense that they were less irrational fears and more warnings. “Are you trying to break up with me?!” He said nothing. I broke. My life and my future shattered before my eyes. I had no clue this was in the cards. I panicked. “Am I not making you happy?? Is someone else making you happy??” “To the second question, no - not at this point,” he responded calmly. Not at this point?! That’s like saying “Not yet” - and when I called him on that, he said “Oh I didn’t realize I said it like that, I’m so dense.” He asked me to hear him out. He told me he felt like he couldn’t be himself around me anymore, that I was too controlling. He said, “You don’t trust me. Not that I deserve your trust, but that’s the only way I’ll earn it.” That he was too busy trying to make me happy that he’d forgotten what makes him happy. I was shocked to hear this, as it’s the opposite of what he’s always said about me. But I was so sorry - I know I’m not perfect, and I was more than willing to work on my flaws. All he ever had to do was say something, otherwise I’d never know there was a problem. Because I was so willing to try and be better for him, he couldn’t break up with me then and there. He agreed to “work on it” with me.

He left to work the E3 convention and was in a hotel room with his friends for the next few days. He was in touch with me and would check in a couple times a day, but he was rather distant. When I expressed how I was struggling, he didn’t really respond or at least not with much empathy. I was distraught and stopped eating. But as the next few days passed, and I spoke to more people about it, it became clearer and clearer that it wasn’t really me that was the problem. The theory I formed at that point was that maybe his urge to please people - specifically me - had worn him out the point of him shutting down. And even though I never asked him to overextend himself to do things that he thought would please me, maybe he was blaming me in his self-pity, because he felt so drained. I guess that’s fine, but to never say anything and then suddenly say it’s over with no regard to my feelings? An extreme response. The new problem identified by the therapist was… could I be with someone who had the ability to be so incongruent? To say and do one thing, but be thinking another? To sit in premarital counseling and say “I can be myself with Kristen” but actually be thinking “I can’t be myself with Kristen” - could I trust someone like that? I agonized over this. I couldn’t be with someone who wasn’t honest and truthful and communicative - but I could be with someone who wanted to be honest and truthful and communicative. Could he be those things? I thought he was already, but it was suddenly clear he wasn’t.

Then my mom asked me if he had been spending a lot of time with his work friends lately. Yes, he had. “I think someone there makes him feel special.” It hadn’t even struck me as a possibility until that moment. Even though I had asked about it before, I had believed him when he said no. Aaron had been cheated on before, there was no way he could do that to me when he seemed to love me so much. Right? But I snooped his phone for the first time in over a year, and I uncovered so many lies. He had gone to premarital counseling with me and then drove straight to his lunch plans with her and lied to me that it was a group of coworkers. They chose our favorite restaurant and when I jokingly complained, he claimed everyone else wanted to go so he went along with it. Actually, he was the one to get there first and put himself on the waiting list for 2, & suggest they “walk around” afterwards. After he met alone with the therapist, he took her to lunch and then to the concert - the one he had apologized to me multiple times that he couldn’t take me to because he only got one ticket and they were sold out. He sent her photos of the udon place he came to love after I introduced him to it - it was clear they’d been there together before. He referred her to his favorite hair salon and she sent him pictures of her haircut and he showered her with compliments. They were going to wear matching Persona costumes to Anime Expo the weekend I was out of town. I had trusted him so much that I helped him with his costume. When I had expressed interest in wanting to go when I returned, he deflected with “I didn’t get any extra tickets.” Ironically, I had caught him a couple months earlier - he mentioned he went to the gym with her. “Just her?” I called him out on the double standard - I’m super careful not to trigger his trust issues when I hang out with guy friends. I told him it’s not that I don’t trust him… it’s that I don’t trust girls not to flirt with him. Well, I was wrong. It was him I shouldn’t have trusted.

I confronted him immediately. His response was at first defensive (“You blindsided me”), then spiteful (“You just want to win, don’t you?”). He went from denial to admitting that it was cheating - but he still made excuses, like it wasn’t HER but the IDEA of her that he fell for. Then he went straight into self-pity. “I’m a bad person. I’m never going to love, I make people happy at the expense of others, you’re never going to trust me again.” All about him. And he was so “What’s the point” about our relationship that I actually responded to him with comfort and reassurance. Old habits die hard, I guess. I told him he was a good person and he didn’t have to be this way. He said I had no idea how many times he’d lied to me. He said I just wasn’t the right mix of things that he missed from his ex - willingness to fail, openness to new things. (New reasons why it’s me that’s the problem) He said I had cornered him. I said that no matter what path we took from here, it would be painful. I wouldn’t guarantee success but I was willing to try. I convinced him to go to counseling with me, talk things through, and see if there was anything left to save. He said, “Fine” - then changed his phone password and went to bed. It was scary to see a bitter spiteful hopeless version of Aaron - was this what was hiding under his surface?

3 days later, we met with the therapist. He declared that it was all too big to fix, too much to fix. And that he just had the feeling that there’s something better out there for him. I told him that I didn’t want to live a life where trust was so broken. I didn’t want to be with a liar. And so in 2 weeks, my life went from picture perfect to ashes. I went from being excited about my future… to not wanting to continue living at all. Who am I? What do I want? Where will I live? How do I start over?

My educated guess on what happened? I don’t think Aaron has the capacity for lasting love. Love transforms over time, from the adrenaline rush of passion… to the commitment - the decision to be by someone’s side no matter what. There’s an incredible beauty in that kind of love, and I find comfort in it. That’s the kind of love I had for him, but I don’t think he wanted that love. I discovered that the whole time, Aaron’s actions had been true to his character. He is very self-centric. He’s all about what makes him feel good and look good. The tricky part was that his generosity and sweetness towards others were also in large part to make himself feel good - to feel like he was convincing people not to abandon him. And for a long time, acting the part of perfect boyfriend and going above and beyond to please me made him feel and look good. It must have been tiring to keep up the role for so long. I never asked for him to be anything other than himself - I thought he was being genuine. I’m sure to a degree he was. But eventually it didn’t make him happy anymore. But he saw that as me not making him happy anymore. He then tested out the waters with his wandering heart. To see if maybe someone else could give him that adrenaline rush, and make him feel and look good. He lied to me about it so I wouldn’t leave him first, so he could blame me and get away with it. I realize now that I carried the emotional stability of the entire relationship. I thought he was in touch with his emotions just because he had a lot of emotions, but that wasn’t true. He rode the wave of my strength and appreciated it at first because he was so dependent. Then, with time, maybe he saw how much weaker he was than me and resented it. Maybe it made him feel small. He’s ungrateful for all I did to try and carry or lighten his baggage. I thought I fixed him, patched him up to walk and talk like an emotionally intelligent adult with a 401k. They were just band-aids on a broken bone. Once he felt strong and confident and restored, he decided he wanted something “better” than me. He does not see my full value. He complained that I took him for granted, but it was the reverse. I am an incredibly strong human, who at my core values loyalty, honesty, integrity and communication. I am unafraid to face my flaws and work on them. I love fiercely and deeply. I don’t let people in easy, but once I trust you I’ll stand by you to the end. I am talented, funny, and smart. I will make an incredible wife and mother. I know what it takes to be a family.

Aaron will continue to chase the rush of adrenaline he gets from girls’ approval and affection. Only two weeks after the breakup - and after Lisa said she wasn’t interested in him (which was a lie to cover her ass) - he has set up hang outs with two other single girls in his office. I know he’ll keep chasing her, and he’ll see himself as the protagonist of some romantic drama. He’s trying to fill a void that none of them can fill - that even I couldn’t fill. His craving for love and family won’t go away until he faces the deep set issues he has. He cares more for the bells and whistles of attraction than true, quiet love. He is controlled by his fear of abandonment. I honestly kind of pity him. He has a long way to go to find healthy happiness with someone. And now he’s telling people that he just “fell out of love” because that’s the only thing you can say that people can’t argue with. But he’s not my problem anymore. I wanted to show him unconditional love. I made him a better human. He made me happy, but not better. He didn’t care much for helping me be the best version of myself. He instead left me with trust issues and brokenness - all in order to feel the least consequence to himself. He didn’t get away with it. I hope he’s brave enough to face himself - maybe even learn, or change? As for me, I’m going to surround myself with people who are authentic at the core. People who see and love me for who I am. In a way, my life feels fuller than ever now. On to infinitely better things!

[theconservativebrief]

Erica Goldsmith and Kate Dunlop were friends the way lots of moms are friends with parents in their child’s class: peripherally. That is, until they realized they were both reading My Brilliant Friend, the first of Elena Ferrante’s quartet of books called the Neapolitan novels.

The books, Erica says, gave the Seattle friends a shorthand for each other and a launch pad for a deeper connection that wouldn’t have existed had they not both been reading the same book. “When you talk about the books with other women in particular, you find out which parts resonated with that person. You’re like, ‘Oh tell me more, why did that appeal to you and that appeal to me?’ And you learn something in that,” she says.

Now, every time Erica writes Kate a note — on a gift or in a card — she addresses it to “my brilliant friend, Kate.”

Eric and Kate are just two of the millions of readers who have caught “Ferrante fever.” Written by an alluringly anonymous author who goes by the pseudonym Elena Ferrante, the series has collectively sold more than 10 million copies in 40 countries. Last year, the novels were adapted into a play, and this Sunday an HBO series based on the books is premiering.

While many books experience sweeping popularity, Ferrante’s novels are part of a subgroup of pop culture that compels people to travel. Tour groups like Looking for Lila and Ferrante Fever Naples have popped up across Naples, where the series is set, and travelers report being amazed and delighted by their experiences. Unlike Rome, Florence, or Venice, Naples’s crime-ridden reputation has kept it from being in the rotation of cities that tourist frequent. But the Ferrante books are changing that.

In 2015, Erica and Kate took a Ferrante-inspired tour of Naples, where they not only saw specific sites mentioned in the books, but were entrenched in the history and culture of the city. Neither traveler had ever taken a guided tour before, and they worried that this was too “book nerdy,” but decided to go for it.

Even in this subgroup, the novels stand out. Unlike a Lord of the Rings–inspired trip to New Zealand, where travelers are eager to see a land of fictitious hobbits and orcs, or even Eat, Pray, Love, where readers were romanced by Liz Gilbert’s journey of renewal, Ferrante’s novels, though fictional, are not glamorous. They portray a class-divided Italy through the lifelong relationship of two women who have a searingly realistic friendship of love, gratitude, competition, and betrayal.

The book’s portrayal of friendship and Naples can be described in one word: authentic. And authenticity is something travelers are seeking out more and more. In a time when people want to travel but not be tourists, the Neapolitan novels offer a window into a gritty yet beautiful town that aligns with the most recent travel trends.

In 2016, Ann Mah wrote for the New York Times about her Ferrante-inspired journey to Naples, saying that using the books as a window helped her to “view Naples like a native.”

“I had come to Naples without a guidebook or even a map,” she wrote, “in search of a disheveled neighborhood of ‘flaking walls’ and ‘scratched doors,’ where the ‘wretched grey’ of the buildings clashed with the passion and repression of the characters of the writer Elena Ferrante.”

Those characters, namely Elena Greco and Lila Cerullo, friends from childhood who grow from intelligent young girls to resourceful older women over the course of the four novels, are a touchstone for readers. They feel real, and the very real place where they live their lives takes on a special quality.

To Mah, visiting Naples was more like meeting a person rather than seeing a setting, so familiar were the books. “Naples was was like an abusive boyfriend that the girls kept coming back to,” Mah tells me.

Although Mah guided herself through the city, many readers are purchasing prepackaged guided tours that showcase Naples through the Ferrante lens.

When I talk to tour guides and tour-goers, like Erica, they say traveling to Naples feels like a natural extension of reading the novels because of how large the region loomed. “Naples plays such a giant character, much like New York plays such a role in Sex in the City,” Erica says. “To see the place you’ve seen in your mind in reality, it changes things.”

Erica says that it was the books’ nuance that made them resonate with her so deeply. “It really struck me, as a mother, what they go through when they first have their children and that sense of not knowing who you are and what your place in the world is,” she says. “They also capture the friendship of women in a way you don’t see frequently. As one person gets successful, you are so excited and grateful for your friend, but you also have that sense of ‘why not me?’ And I think those are things not written about and not talked about.”

Erica and Kate took their Ferrante-inspired trip with Danielle Oteri, author of Ferrante Fever: A Naples Travel Guide Inspired by Elena Ferrante’s Neapolitan Novels and an expert in art history.

Oteri’s Ferrante Fever Naples Tours cost $1,500 (not including airfare, accommodations, or most meals). Recognizing the tours may be cost-prohibitive, she wrote her book so others could explore the city independently.

Oteri’s desire to guide people through Naples was partially due to her love of the novels, but also due to her adoration of the city, which sometimes has a less-than-spotless reputation, thanks to a long history with organized crime. As an art historian with family roots in Naples, she often writes about the city for publications and has been asked to discuss the dangerous side of the city. “I’ve pitched stories about Naples where editors have asked me, ‘Can you talk about the mafia?’”

But with Ferrante Fever putting Naples in the spotlight, she saw an opportunity to educate travelers on the city she already loved. “The books have become an excuse,” she says. “Now you’re interested in Naples, now let me show you this really extraordinary place that isn’t like anything else.”

On her tours, she extrapolates themes from the novels and puzzles them into their place in Neapolitan history and geography. My Brilliant Friend opens with the two main characters dropping their dolls into a cellar where they vanish below the city, and Oteri shows how the the underground plays a role in Naples history by guiding travelers through the layers of city beneath the present day congestion: Roman roads and markets, World War II bomb shelters, and fading mosaics.

“I say, ‘Here’s this metaphor from this book, this is why it resonates and makes sense in Naples, this is why it’s in the book and [why] the book couldn’t take place in any other city,’” Oteri says.

Because the book deals with universal themes like class division, friendship, and motherhood, the tours appeal to a wide demographic of readers. Danielle’s tour-goers are mainly women, but there are some men as well. They come from all over the world, including Sweden, America, and India (but not Italy).

These tours marry two trends, one being book- and film-based travel. When Crazy Rich Asians premiered in August, searches for flights to Singapore spiked on Kayak and Orbitz. New Zealand capitalized on Lord of the Rings mania by making hobbit-themed planes on Air New Zealand and a Lord of the Rings–inspired airplane safety video. Eat, Pray, Love drove travelers not only to the infamous Napoli pizza place, but to Bali, where the number of tourists swelled.

The larger trend these tours embody is an increased desire for authenticity. To combat appearing like ridiculous tourists, travelers have ditched the modern, downtown hotel room for the teeny apartment rental in a seedy neighborhood. They comb through hundreds of bar and restaurant reviews, not to find where the best stuff is, but where the locals go.

Professor Stephanie Malia Hom is a scholar of Italian tourism and says that the stereotypes about Italy — that it is full of art, slow food, family, and evening strolls — has long facilitated an interest in the region. It’s the perfect synthesis of romance, history, and carefree living, which work together to orchestrate what people believe their lives should be like. “It’s tourism jazz,” Hom says.

For years, according to Hom, film tourism has been rampant in Italy, with people visiting Julia Roberts’s apartment from Eat, Pray, Love and seeing where the house in Under the Tuscan Sun was built. But today, travelers want something less idealized.

“The Ferrante tours are a current manifestation of that attraction to this idea of ‘Destination Italy’,” Hom says. “There’s a long literary tradition and film tradition of Italy being this land, this beautiful land, that is this more authentic place that has the power to change its visitors.”

The books compel visitors to visit Naples because they align the region with those Italian stereotypes that are so attractive, but also with a more somber reality. “As scholars of tourism, it’s a well-held theory that the search for authenticity is the driver of modern tourism,” Hom says. “In our day and age, we become disillusioned with the modern world.”

Hom adds that Naples is also a desirable place to begin with. “It’s an earthy, seductive place,” she says. “Sophia Loren represents it. There is a long tradition of music and folklore.” And even the seedy reputation Naples suffers of being mafia-run and crime-ridden, Hom says, just adds a layer of danger and off-the-beaten-path excitement to the whole experience.

And, of course, visiting Naples serves as an extension of the books. Rabid readers want to see something they’ve already digested, brought to life. “Tourists go places to confirm their own expectations rather than to discover something new,” Hom says. “Part of tourists going on these tours is to confirm what they’ve read in the books and get a sense of place that they already have in their own imaginations.”

Sophia Seymour offers Ferrante-inspired tours called Looking for Lila. On her site, you find two options: one more general Neapolitan tour for 250 euros ($280), and one of the neighborhoods featured in Ferrante’s novels for 270 euros ($300). Sophia says her tours are popular with women in their mid-thirties, book groups, and the odd, straggling husband.

Sophia’s interest in Naples started in 2012, during her time studying abroad for her third year at University College London. Her friends warned against it, telling her she would be robbed. “I pushed forward, because when people say that stuff, it usually means that’s someplace interesting,” she says.

Sophia became obsessed with the city, and her friend recommended the Neapolitan novels when she returned to London. Being a woman who lived in Naples, Sophia says, the books struck a chord with her because she could imagine where everything was taking place. A couple years after graduation, she moved back to Naples and started to explore the city and meet locals, all the time mentally building out a map of where the Neapolitan novels took place.

She explored large housing projects, talked to the local pastry shop owner and shoemaker. No one in the neighborhood, she says, had heard of Ferrante’s novels. Soon, she started giving out copies one by one, and decided that she wanted to show people this side of Naples.

“No one was doing tours in the neighborhood because it has this reputation that the political mafia had its hold on it,” she says. “But when you go during the day, it’s kind of this sleepy, quiet neighborhood with a bakery and bar. To me, having made friends with people, I wanted to raise up this community that Ferrante had so vividly described.”

Sophia believes that sense of community is exactly what people taking her tours want to experience. It’s a value and a way of life prevalent in the novel, but rare in a society today. In the world of sprawling suburbs and gentrification, many of us don’t know our neighbors, and they don’t care to know us. To Sophia, that is the focus of Ferrante’s novels. “She raises up the things that Naples has a bad reputation of being dangerous, dirty, crime-infested, and poor, things that put people off for so many years,” she says. “And Elena raises up those exact things and puts it on the map.”

Today, the neighborhood is crowdfunding a mural of Elena and Lila, the two girls from Ferrante’s novels.

Talking to Erica, the images she was enthralled by on her tour with Oteri were things that wouldn’t demand attention otherwise. “We all jumped out of the van and were taking pictures of this overpass, which looms so large in the book as a physical manifestation of a barrier between neighborhoods,” she says. “When you see it, you’re like, ‘Oh, my god!’”

But to Erica, the tour not only deepened her understanding of the books; it also gave her a deeper understanding of herself as an Italian American. “It was so cool to see the Neapolitans living their lives and then identify things in my own world,” she says.

And, of course, it made her and Kate’s relationship even stronger. The two are planning a trip to Naples this April with their daughters.

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Original Source -> Elena Ferrante’s My Brilliant Friend doesn’t just compel people to read, but to travel

via The Conservative Brief