#a character has never... stuck with me this strongly for this long in my life

[phantom-of-the-501st]

Thoughts on the Batch's Ending

Ooookay. This is going to be a long one. (Little note from Steph who just finished writing this: it’s nearly 3000 words…)

Tagging @saturn-sends-hugs @inkstainedhandswithrings and @eriexplosion because I value their thoughts (but I'm also not demanding that you read 3000 words of waffle)

I’ve had a lot of thoughts about the finale of The Bad Batch and honestly, my mind is a bit of a mess right now. One of the things I just want to try and tackle is how I feel about the ending of each Batch member individually, because while I can look at it and say “The Batch got a happy ending!”, I feel like that doesn’t really give me much of an idea of whether or not each character got an ending that I feel is fitting for their story arc.

So, this post is basically just going to be me unpicking the ending for each of the Batchers and working out how I feel about it (aka me trying to unscramble the mass load of thoughts going on in my head right now). 

Omega

Overall, I’m very happy with where Omega ended up. When you look back on how she was when we first met her, you realise just how much she has grown over the last few seasons. She didn’t just learn to be a part of the squad, she also learned how to look after herself. It isn’t just a development of her skillset, it’s also a growth in maturity, which allows her to have a clearer head and more rational decisions in the field. While Omega trusted her brothers to come and rescue her, she didn’t just sit around and wait for them, she hatched her own plan to not only get her and the other children out, but also help the Batch when they arrive at Tantiss.

Like Echo, she strongly believes in helping people and I love that that has carried through into her ending. While it would have been nice for her to live a quiet life, free of any more troubles, it makes complete sense for her to want to join the Rebellion. And I think it was at a good time as well. Omega got to spend the rest of her childhood being raised in a more peaceful, safe environment, before making the decision a few years down the line to go her own way. This is her leaving the nest and I think it was tackled incredibly well. You can see how she has taken on attributes from all of her brothers, and judging by her style choice, Phee as well. We see Omega using the support of her brothers to carve her own path and I love that.

Personally, I can’t really see a more fitting development in her story than this. And I’m reluctant to actually call it an ending because for her, this feels more like the beginning of a new chapter. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if we saw her again later down the road.

Hunter

Now those who follow me may be aware that Hunter was never my favourite member of the Batch. I didn’t dislike him, but I never really connected with him in the same way that I connected with all of the other characters. Saying that, it doesn’t mean I haven’t given a lot of thought to him and his character.

Hunter always had a lot on his shoulders. He was the leader of the Batch and that meant keeping a rag-tag group of defective clones in line, but it also left him with the belief that if anything were to happen to his squad, it would be his responsibility. So, with Crosshair and Omega stuck with the Empire, and Tech dead, Hunter had a lot to carry. At the beginning of Season 3 we saw that he had become more reckless and irrational, not really thinking about plans and wanting to jump straight into things. It was Wrecker who had to step in and make sure Hunter didn’t do anything stupid. Hunter felt like he lost control and that took a lot out of him, especially since this is something I think he could feel creeping up on him throughout Season 2, even if he tried to fight it. The Batch had started to make decisions without him, and Omega was forming close attachments to other people, which was digging a knife into Hunter’s fear of losing his squad. So S3 saw him trying everything he could to reunite the Batch, because he couldn’t bear to lose anyone else.

And he achieved that. But what I also deeply appreciate is that we see Hunter accepting that Omega wants to go her own way. This was something he didn’t want happening for a long time, but once he accepted that she was capable of looking after herself, and once he accepted that he could never keep her tied in place forever, he supported Omega in her decision to join the Rebellion. Yes, he will always worry about her. He even tells her that she will always be their kid. But he knows that it’s time for her to carve her own path, and that means for him, finally letting go and accepting that Clone Force 99 will never be what it once was. 

Wrecker

Wrecker is an interesting one for me because he’s one of the few characters where I can’t really see a big step for his character in the final episode. For many of the others there is some form of acceptance, or big step in their lives, but for Wrecker I don’t really see that. And unfortunately, I think that comes from Wrecker never really being the focus of any strong character development throughout the history of the show. That’s not to say there wasn’t any growth at all, but when we look at how far everyone else has come in their stories, Wrecker always feels like he never got the same treatment in this show. The biggest growth I saw was when he stepped in to help Hunter when he could see the sergeant was spiralling.

So, while I’m happy he lived and has gone on to enjoy a longer, more peaceful life than we ever expected for the Batch, it makes me sad that we never really saw anything big for Wrecker in this ending. No big acceptance, no huge sacrifice. We don’t even get to see him say goodbye to Omega when she leaves. I love that Wrecker got a happy ending, but I always wish that we had gotten the opportunity to see more of a character arc with him over the course of the entire show.

Crosshair

I accepted a while ago that if any of the Batch members were to survive, Crosshair would be one of them because I didn’t expect the writers to kill him off after everything that he had been through. And thankfully they didn’t! I love that after everything, Crosshair has managed to find peace. Maybe not completely, but enough that he has the chance to live a life that doesn’t involve him being a soldier. 

Throughout S2 and S3 we saw Crosshair come to terms with the fact that he was disposable to the Empire and that they didn’t care about him as much as he had made himself believe. And one of the things Crosshair fought with the most was his own identity as a soldier. For so long, he believed that that was all he was, all he could be, so that’s why it has been so amazing finally seeing Crosshair acknowledge that he doesn’t need to be a soldier to still live a life he deserves; his purpose is and always has been more than that.

Saying that, I want to address the hand thing because I am still unsure of where I sit with it. Following his escape from Tantiss, we see Crosshair has developed hand tremors as a result of his PTSD, and a decent chunk of the season has been dedicated to him learning how to live with them. The biggest reason for this affecting Crosshair so much was that it impacted his ability to be a sniper, which is what Crosshair believed to be his main purpose: he didn’t know what to do without the ability to use his hand. And we were given some incredibly sweet scenes between him and Omega as she helped him work out the best way to manage the tremors, for example, them meditating together.

But then that brings me onto my main issue, which is, why remove the hand? One of the reasons I keep seeing is that it removes Crosshair’s ability to be a sniper, but we had already seen that. That’s the issue that the tremors were causing. Crosshair had already been struggling with that ability as a result of what happened to him on Tantiss, so cutting his hand off as a way of preventing his sniping ability seems a bit unnecessary. Now admittedly, the soldier who cut his hand off didn’t know that he had hand tremors, so logistically it makes sense, but as a story tool it seems a bit bizarre to me. Personally, I think it would’ve been more interesting to pursue the idea of Crosshair learning to manage his tremors through meditation etc. and adapting to a life that has less of a focus on sniping. 

Another reason I have seen for the hand is that it symbolises Crosshair finally becoming free from the Empire and what they did to him on Tantiss. Him no longer having the tremors indicates that he is no longer burdened by the Empire and his time there. But that doesn’t really work for me either. For one, Crosshair will never truly be separated from what happened to him there; even if he lost the shaking, he would still have a number of psychological issues as a result of what he went though, so I can’t see it as a way of symbolising a true separation. Which is once again why I think that following the story beat of him managing the tremors would have been a more interesting path for them to go down with his character.

Saying that, I’m still happy with where Crosshair’s story went. He is arguably the most complex character in the Batch and I’m so glad we have been able to see him develop the way he has. Him living a long, quiet life is something that I’m happy he has gotten, and I truly don’t think that him dying would have brought nearly as satisfying a conclusion as Crosshair finally finding a new place in the world.

Tech

Oh boy… this is going to be an interesting chunk of this essay. So errm… it turns out Tech is actually dead, which is… kinda shit. 

Back when we saw him fall at the end of S2, I said that one of the reasons that I didn’t believe that Tech was really dead was because if he was, I would’ve found the writing kinda cheap. I said repeatedly throughout that season that I didn’t want all of his character development to simply be an emotional manipulation tactic to make us even more sad when he died… which is what it turned out to be. It doesn’t surprise me that Tech sacrificed himself, but it makes me mad that ultimately his death never really had any real impact on anything. I mean, they hardly even addressed it in the final season!

I get that animated Star Wars is known for rarely addressing characters after their deaths, but The Clone Wars focuses on so many characters that if we gave that much attention to every character that died, then we would never progress the plot. However, unlike TCW, The Bad Batch primarily focuses on a smaller group of clones and therefore not only has the space to explore the impacts that death would have on the squad, but really should find it a necessary part of the storytelling. The lack of attention given to Tech throughout this season has been beyond frustrating to me. He deserved better.

And I can’t write a section about Tech’s ending without addressing the CX-2 situation. Were we all delusional for believing that Tech was alive? No. Now before people come at me for saying that, I want to explain why that is the conclusion I have come to. You would have every right to label us delusional if there was absolutely no proof behind the claims that we made, but when the writers give us a character that both speaks and acts like Tech, what did they expect us to think? There were too many parallels between Tech and CX-2 for it to be coincidental and I still stand by the fact that we had reason to believe that they were the same person.

Now, looking at the other CX soldiers we see in the finale, they all seem to parallel the OG members of the Batch: there’s a larger one who primarily focuses on hand-to-hand combat, someone who favours blades, a sniper, and a more tech-savvy one. And I’m sure there is a reason for that, symbolically or practically, but if the fact that they all resemble the Batch is important, then why was so much focus put primarily on CX-2? There was no way we weren’t going to think that they would reveal him to be Tech.

Overall, I’m annoyed. Tech was such a brilliant character and I am so frustrated that not only did he get a death that I felt was kind of cheap, but he didn’t get nearly the respect he should have been given in the final season. Now, I’m not using this as a way to bash the writers, and I definitely don’t think that anyone should use it as an excuse to be bullies, but unfortunately, I can’t be satisfied with the way Tech’s story ended, and I’m not sure I ever will.

Echo

Last but certainly not least, Echo. To say that Echo means a lot to me is an understatement, and I was genuinely terrified that I might have to say goodbye to one of my comfort characters. But thankfully, our boy made it!

Following Season 1, we all wanted for Echo to get some more development. It never felt like he had truly been used to his full potential. And thankfully, Season 2 began to give us that. Yes, we ended up saying goodbye to Echo for half a season, but we saw some incredible growth in his character, and him choosing to join the rebellion made too much sense not to happen. Unfortunately, this also meant that we didn’t get to see Echo for the majority of the final season, but I am beyond grateful that what they gave us in these last few episodes has been some of the best Echo content that we have ever seen. Watching him grow and find where he belongs has been a pleasure to watch, He really is an ARC trooper through and through. Particularly in these last few episodes, seeing how much he has grown to be like Fives, and watching him carry on his brother’s legacy, has been so incredible, No matter what anyone says, I believe that he truly is one of the greatest, and most important characters that we’ve ever gotten out of animated Star Wars.

However, I do have one gripe with Echo’s ending, and it’s the fact that it doesn’t actually feel like a conclusion. If anything, I have more questions about Echo now than I did before the last episode. Echo going to the Rebellion is an absolute given; he still has stuff to help Rex with. But the fact that there is absolutely no mention of him in the epilogue has just made me wonder where he is. Omega mentions Crosshair and Wrecker, and we only see Hunter, so we know that Echo isn’t with them. But we also know that at that point in the story, Echo also isn’t with Rex (assuming we’re in Rebels era). So where is he? What is he doing? Is he actually dead at that point??? I really hope we see more of Echo in the future because if this really is the last time we see his character, it’s too open ended for me to really be satisfied with it.

But if I’m being honest, I really don’t think that this is the last time that we are going to see him. And especially with Omega joining the Rebellion, I wouldn’t be surprised if we saw another clone-centric show following these characters in the future.

Concluding Thoughts

All in all, my thoughts are still a bit jumbled. I still don’t know how I truly feel about everything, but hopefully this post at least gives some insight into how I think each character’s endings were handled. Will I change my mind at some point? Probably. But for now, this is where I stand.

At its core, I think the ending we got makes sense for a lot of the characters, and I’m glad that they didn’t all just die at the end. Sure, there are choices that I’m not happy with, but seeing that some of the Batch go on to live long lives is something that I’m very happy to see. It doesn’t happen enough in animated SW, so I’m glad we got to experience it.

[royboyfanpage]

Okay a post by @mew-poo got me thinking about Titans (1999) #15-#16 again, and I think I noticed something. This may be absolute bs, I haven't slept in two days so I might be doing analysis that doesn't exist, but-

I think Roy is the only one of the fab five who doesn't hold grudges.

Essentially the comics, particularly #15, focus on the fab five being stranded on an island with Gargoyle, who is bringing their personal resentments and grudges to light, causing a lot of tensions between the team. But one thing I've noticed is that the different arguments Roy makes are rarely centred around anything that happened between him and the others off the island. The main issues for him are-

-the current situation, or-

-regarding Lian. Comparatively, the things that the others say to him, such as Garth bringing up his addiction arguably unnecessarily-

-Donna suggesting that Roy's stupid for thinking their relationship will last (and later insulting him for leaving after she said that)-

-and Dick questioning his commitment to the Titans (which I won't post a panel of due to Tumblr photo limit, so imagine it's here), it's clear to see a difference. Despite being on an island intended to highten negative emotions, Roy never actually brings up anything anyone's done in the past (at least not yet) unless he's actively prompted to by someone else, like his defending himself from Dick's criticism-

-and the only time he really brings anything up without a prompt (prior to the end) is STILL in reference to something that was said to him on the island as opposed to years ago.

I think that makes a lot of sense for Roy as a character. He's a very practical man, and so it makes sense that he wouldn't dwell on old grudges compared to current issues he's faced with. It could also, at least partially, explain why it takes Roy so long to recognise that Garth is mad at his teasing. Roy reacts strongly in the moment to issues in his life and relationships rather than letting them brew (at least this era of Roy does, his reactions were different in the Snowbirds era), which may make it harder for him to see that someone *is* harbouring a grudge against him that they haven't acted on- that's just not how his brain works.

And then, there's the moment where Roy does snap.

I don't think that Roy's dialogue here stems from a grudge, and it's not based in negativity. As mentioned earlier in the comic, Gargoyle thrives on negativity, that was what was keeping them in purgatory. However, Roy's rant and punch was what managed to free them. It's not based in bitterness but rather... I guess violently constructive criticism? Roy doesn't like seeing Dick stuck in Bruce's shadow, and his tirade is based in concern for Dick more than anything, a wake-up call. And anything similar to bitterness in this is rather based on the double standards towards Dick- everyone has to walk on eggshells around Dick's issues, whereas Roy's issues are constantly brought up (Roy's addiction is mentioned in almost every comic with him I've read). He's angry that his friends will step in and give *him* a wakeup call, but they let Dick spiral without stepping in.

Anyway I'm very tired and forgot my point halfway through writing this, so do with this as you will and reinterpretations are more than welcome.

[the-crimson]

Q!BBH and Generational Trauma

For a long time this has been something I’ve noticed in the halo family that I’ve strongly related to. Idk if it’s an intentional theme bbh and Dapmin (and pommin but im mainly gonna focus on Dapper) put into their characters but it’s definitely there. So heres my perspective on bbh’s character arc so far observed through a lens of generational trauma.

(Quick side note. Writing this post was a journey tm and my initial view of bbh and god’s relationship and what the afterlife scene meant shifts dramatically half way through XD)

Even if a parent does everything right, they will still hurt their children. It’s part of the job. It’s part of life. Even if we choose to be better than our parents, the scars they left will bleed onto our children. I think every family has an element of generational trauma - I certainly do but im not gonna trauma dump on yall - but the severity of it is a spectrum.

Q!bbh was cast from his home due to the conditional love of God/the Father and this has left a clear impact on him. His self worth is in the gutter and he lacked a sense of purpose. According to everything we know of bbh’s life before the island, he didnt really care for much of anything other than finding the next source of entertainment - i mean, he remembers the salem witch trials fondly because of the drama of it all regardless of the fact that hundreds of innocent women were murdered.

Was God being intentionally cruel or abusive? Probably not. From His perspective, he may see casting his angels from heaven as a temporary punishment - like spanking a child for throwing a tantrum - without really understanding the damage such treatment is actually doing. He isnt teaching his children the lesson he thought he was just as spanking a child doesnt teach them to behave, only to fear. Bbh redeemed himself in the eyes of the Father and thus was granted the choice to return home. The Father was doing his child a kindness, he was welcoming his lost angel back home because what fallen angel would ever choose anything other than Elysium? And thats the point of conflict. The Father thinks he is doing right by his child but hes only causing bbh more pain. Bbh has to choose between his own children and eternal salvation (that he knows can be taken away on a whim). His heart has been severed in two.

Bbh’s wounds from his disownment run so deep he doesnt even notice them and thus, doesnt notice how they impact his children. Dapper has taken after so many of bbh’s characteristics and a complete lack of self worth is one of them. Selflessness to the point of self annihilation. The fear of being a burden. The need to feel useful otherwise why am i even alive? Dapper was borderline suicidal because they felt useless and nearly killed themself trying to be useful by farming soul hearts and they learned all of this behavior from Bad. Bbh showed Dapper unconditional love but it wasnt enough. Bbh couldnt save Dapper from his own trauma.

Breaking cycles of generational trauma takes more than just realizing how you were raised didnt work and trying something else. Bbh never healed from the wounds left by the Father and thus they were passed down to his own son.

When i started writing this analysis, i thought that this was the tragedy between bbh and the Father. God was too stuck in his ways to understand what His child needs, what would truly make bbh happy. I thought that the Father had not changed. His love remained conditional. Bbh could only come home if he chose god/heaven. The door might be closed next time. This is his only chance of coming home. But now after laying it all out like this… it made me wonder why the Father decided now of all times was when bbh redeemed himself. My initial cynical reading was that the Father was putting bbh through a test of loyalty. He only truly earned his redemption if he would abandon his children in favor of god/heaven but now… i can see a more hopeful reading.

God watched bbh become a father. He watched bbh become a better person through fatherhood. He also watched as the trauma He caused was passed onto bbh’s child. If the Father wanted bbh to come home because he’d redeemed himself, then the Father could have snapped bbh away at any time. Perhaps thats what He would have done 14,000 years ago when bbh first fell. What if the Father recognized his mistake? What if this was His attempt to fix things after seeing just how much damage He’d done? What if he did finally understand what bbh truly needed?

Bbh was stuck in his trauma because he lacked agency in his current state. The Father still had all the power between them by holding heaven hostage. The only way bbh could ever start to heal from this damage was if he was given back the choice that was made for him. Bbh needed to choose one way or another in order for him to take the first step towards healing even if it causes him anguish in the moment. He needed the choice. He needed the freedom to refuse.

But giving freedom to your children can be scary. What if they make the wrong choice? What if they screw up and ruin everything? For a god who expects perfection from his children, freedom must be terrifying. Giving His children freedom means giving them the option to turn away from him. But that is part of being a parent.

What if unlocking the gates was an apology? Im sorry i hurt you. Im sorry i made this choice for you. I see you. I wont take this choice from you again. Its too late to change the past but you can change the future. Dont make my same mistakes.

What if it was a gift? God relinquished his leverage over bbh and gave him the option to come home. An opportunity for bbh to break the cycle. A chance for bbh to make a choice for himself for once. To free him of the shackles that tied him to God. To heal and stop his own son from continuing the cycle of generational trauma.

After all, the greatest gift a god can give is the freedom to choose one’s own destiny.

[goodluckclove]

On Being Seen

I'll warn you in advance, friends and colleagues - I might not have quite an optimistic take on this one. In advance I'll say that I'm totally all right, there's no need to comfort or fawn or worry. It's just been a pretty crazy couple of days and it's sort of left me in a kind of perturbed state of mind.

I feel as if I've developed a reputation on Writeblr as someone strongly supportive of other writers through their struggles and successes, and I figure it might be useful to see that I speak as someone who has their fair share of doubts. Consider it a show of neurosis that supports me as your steadfast advocate in creative growth and potential.

I'll put it under a read more. It's nothing triggering I don't think, I'm just a little embarrassed to have it fully visible under what I still consider to be a relatively professional space. Or at least a space for me as a professional whose brand involves not being very professional.

Nevertheless.

I debated for a long time self-publishing Blind Trust. I went back and forth every so often for weeks, and my poor wife had to deal with the brunt of my strange excuses not to do it. It really came down to one big question, which was...why?

Why am I publishing this? And for money, no less? That's weird. Why would anybody support that? It wouldn't deter me from writing if I never published any of the Songbird Elegies. I'd still write them. I've been writing stories for almost 20 years that no one has ever read and no one will probably ever read.

Sure, I have the fantasies of relative cult notoriety. People making fanart of my characters and sharing weird memes about my plot points. Finding comfort in the words and stories I've created to comfort myself. When I was still considered schizoaffective my dad gave me a copy of Flow My Tears the Policeman Said by Philip K. Dick and said that he was "like us". If that happened to someone else with one of my books it would mean the world to me.

Then again, would it? Because in my actual, real, physical life I am terrible at taking praise. It's like trying to catch a ball from the other side of a brick wall. If you ever pass me on the street I'm guaranteed to be wearing soundproof headphones and blasting music to keep anyone from talking to me. You might catch my eye and I'll smile and nod, maybe toss a compliment your way, but if you try to have a conversation and I do not know you I will absolutely just keep walking. I can't do it.

I love people and I'm terrified of people. It's always been this way.

It's easier online. I mean it when I say that I'm open to anyone here just starting a conversation with me about anything. There's already the unspoken assumption that we're all already weird, so I don't have to think too hard about your motivations. But still, large amounts of praise and positive reinforcement make me deeply uncomfortable. I've been trying to work on that for years, but I find most advice on building self-worth deeply unhelpful.

It's not like I'd prefer hate. I think I'm just not used to being noticed either way.

This is the first time I've made an honest effort to put my work, and by proxy myself (all writers are brands now, says the publishing industry as a whole) on display online. And for the most part it's been great! I enjoy the connections I've made here. The promise of making more. There are so many skilled storytellers here that it gives me a lot of hope and excitement for the future of literature.

But it's weird. It's really weird.

Most of the time I see it as another social media client. I stand by the posts I make and do them for fun, but I also do them to maintain a presence and draw in more attention. I studied to do things like this for work before. I picked like three social media management tactics that I thought I could remember when I was 18 and just stuck by them. And then occasionally I go oh wait. This isn't some nonprofit. This isn't a start-up for tech assholes. This is me.

And that's weird.

It's not a massive following I have, but it's more than I've ever had before under my own personal and creative writing. I published short stories and articles, but I never heard anything from them. There are short stories I have on online journals that I genuinely do not know if anyone has read. Here, I see people like things and I'm like huh. I feel like a mummy or a ghoul. I do not understand what people are doing.

One part of my brain takes this information and says that it's probably proof that when I publish Blind Trust, some people will buy it. People have expressed interest already. Which means they're probably interested, I think. I post excerpts of my writing and people seem to enjoy it enough to click a button or leave a comment. That's cool. I don't get why it happens, but it's very cool and it makes me happy.

At the same time there's this undercurrent of paranoia. I don't get it. And I don't think I ever will. That's essentially been my only coping mechanism for publishing at this point - I don't know if it'll work, but I might as well try and if I do something will probably happen.

I know I'm a writer. At this point it would be ridiculous to say I wasn't. I'm a professional, working writer, and experienced enough to know that saying all that doesn't say much in terms of quality.

Am I a good writer? I don't really know what that means. I like Blind Trust. I'm reading it for the fourth time as I edit it again and I genuinely enjoy it. So someone who thinks like me and has similar tastes to myself might feel the same way. I don't really know who that person might be. Statistically I imagine they have to exist somewhere. And that there's at least a handful of them.

Imposter Syndrome is real and I don't think it ever goes away. I'd like to think that it's one of those things where you think about it less and less, and this is just the first night in maybe five months that I'm really thinking about it.

I'm not expecting to make a ton of money off my first book. In fact, I probably will be sick from anxiety with any purchase I get for the first year, because it means that someone spent human money on writing I am happy to just give them for free.

But this is going to be my job. I want this to be my job so I can spend more time doing it. Because I've dedicated so much time to doing all of this, it means I get to spend a lot of my day getting other writers to write even a little bit of their own stories. And that's so important to me.

I don't know. I don't really have a neat end to this. I'm forcing myself to actually follow through with posting it, and then to continue keeping it up even though it feels incredibly vulnerable to be, in my opinion, this self-indulgent and whiny. It's insecure. I'm still insecure. I'm in therapy and on medication and there's more shit I got to do in life.

Still, I'm telling myself that my version of being a Professional Writer is to showcase emotional pitfalls like this. Newer writers might know that you can sometimes have a night where you might not be in despair, per say, but certainly deep confusion, and then come back the next day and keep on working. I stand by what I mean when I say that the craft should not be entirely miserable. It is still maybe 25% inconvenient to me, and I am currently in that less-desirable quarter.

So what am I doing? Wife got us Jersey Mike's, so I had a yummy sandwich. Kafka is sitting on my calves, just behind my laptop monitor. I'm listening to my soul/funk playlist while Wife plays Hell Divers for the first time. Later we're going to play a board game.

But for now, I'm going to keep editing my goddamned novel.

Blind Trust out in June. Get ready people, because I'm not.

[ineffabeatlemindpalace]

How Our Flag Means Death impacted my life

It’s been said so many times but the impact this to show has had on me is beyond comprehension. I am still living in the aftermath. Every day, I cannot grasp my luck of finding it and loving it. Hyperfixation or not, it’s been a while so I conclude it is safe to be put as a special interest by now; to care so much about something that makes you feel good and understood, is utterly important to have, I have realised.

My experiences in other, different, fandoms on Twitter as a teenager, have been very different and I guess it has something to do with growing up and learning more about yourself as much as it has to do without approach and handling of it all – we are all here for this show and we are damn grateful for its existence. We do not take it for granted and so we lovingly create more art and thereby put more love into the world. Isn’t this what life is all about? Adding care and love.

Coming back to my point, ever since starting to watch Our Flag Means Death, I have had this inner sense of calm inside of me, which I never had before.

It is hard to explain but I did notice that my sensory issues, especially misophonia, have been less of a problem. And that is huge. There is one noise source in particular, which is the fridge, if you want to know, but it can be triggered by anything, and I have been struggling with this for many years… There only has to be some trigger, such as the wind howling too strongly or any other sound, really, and I feel like the world is going to collapse because every thing gets too loud and too much.

Now, for a few months, it hasn’t been like that. It was almost scary at first due to the unfamiliarity of the absence of, well, mental pain…

Regarding the show’s successful portrayal of queerness – yes, that has been life–changing for me as well.

I have identified as nonbinary as long as I can think. I vividly remember this specific moment from my childhood when I was sitting there, on my own, thinking, I do not feel like a girl, I do not feel like any gender, I just feel like myself. It’s a strange memory to have but it was so vivid that I treasure how it stuck with me.

When I was a teenager, I never had any romantic, God forbid sexual, interest, except for the occasional crush on a boy or girl, which naturally made me conclude that I was bi or pan. As of today, I am still not feeling any of these attractions. However, as I explain in this post, some kind of attractions have been felt. One thing is clear, if I do feel anything beyond, it would be for any gender.

The show basically says, whatever, we’re all queer, and that is so beautiful and validating to me because my family and other surroundings are so heteronormative that I often question my validity and worth.

There have barely ever been other queer people in my immediate surroundings, which means that acceptance or even understanding is not something that I would expect.

In hindsight, this is a big part of why I always struggled with confidence and self-love.

There is a lot I could write about my family history but I will just shorten it to, I did grow up without a father from the age of 7 and my relationship with him is rather torn.

I am so moved by how they decided to give Ed and Stede these backstories regarding their relationship with their fathers and families and portray these issues in such a delicate and serious manner and how they can impact your whole life.

I am thankful for how serious they have taken all of these things.

These are characters that have experienced similar difficult upbringings and are struggling with the consequences into their adulthood.

I have never gotten an official diagnosis but from my childhood experiences and later struggles in life it is safe to say that I am neurodivergent. The relationship with my mother is very difficult as well, which definitely played a part in how I never understood that some of my behaviour and so on was a result of being different in that way instead of deliberate. During my childhood and teenage years, there have been instances of different kinds of abuse, however I will not elaborate further.

These struggles are always individual and personal but I will just say that I do suffer from the fear of being abandoned and yes, it makes maintaining relationships, such as friendships, challenging.

Because you constantly feel like you do not deserve anyone caring about you or enjoying your company. Genuinely, I have never believed this.

Even if I have learned to like myself more and be confident in my abilities. I still feel like a burden whenever I am with someone else. It doesn’t go away. Part of it is due to struggling with social cues as well as the general preference of being alone.

And I do enjoy my own company. But it would be nice to one day find someone I can fully trust and freely share my thoughts with.

Basically, what Ed and Stede have found in each other… and I guess what makes them so different to other ships is not only that they are actually a canon couple but the way they are so natural and gentle with each other?!

They accept each other wholeheartedly.

They see each other in such a genuine way… unconditionally. Not without hardships but always with such a willingness to make it better, to keep fighting, continue to live for the sake of love and love only.

Another serious struggle has been my eating disorder (anorexia) which (along with overexercising) lead me to have secondary amenorrhea for many years, which in turn, was a very blissful thing for me due to gender reasons. A big thing that has happened shortly after discovering the show has been my period coming back. My reaction was denial, then anger, then determination that I would not let this bring me down…

The show did ground me in that emotionally, I have handled it, somehow, and carried on.

I am so thankful for it all and much, much more.

There is so much to say and never enough words to express my gratitude. This show means something different to everyone. Everyone finds bits and pieces in it which make them feel the same kind of appreciation and love and this is just my share.

If you’ve made it to the end, thank you, dear reader. Sending you a warm hug, if that’s alright with you.

[varlaisvea]

hi im asking despite my embarrassment. so theres this one off npc. uhmm 👉👈 her name is nerise venim, she's a professional alchemist but in her quest she gets mistaken for a witch, you'll see what i mean if you look her up. she's kind of. haughty? looks down her nose at ppl. but ngl im a complete lesbian for her and idk if theres much if any fics on her so im asking for a Little indulgence bc i rly like your prose 🥺

(This is re: my offer to write fic about ESO NPCs. Offer’s still good, though…)

IT HAS BEEN A MONTH AND A HALF SINCE YOU SENT THIS. I AM SO SORRY! There’s been Stuff, and also, truthfully, I’ve gotten really stuck on the sexy part of this. Smut is already harder for me than I’d like, and on top of it, I think where I ended up going with this is different from what you wanted.

THAT SAID THOUGH, I still wanted to do something for you :) I redid this quest and I too am very gay for Nerise Venim! So, I decided not to let my writer’s cockblock (gn) stop me from at least posting the first part of the story. Hopefully it’s a nice tale on its own? No promises, but I’ll keep fighting with the sexy part 🫡 And THANK YOU so much for your kind words!!

————-

Words: 1.9k Rating: Mature (allusions to sex and sex toys, mention of alcoholism) Characters: Dunmer Vestige, Mirri Elendis, Nerise Venim

——

With Vivec City in our sights now, I feel a strange anxiety in my center. I stop to take in the view of the city, the sea, and Baar Dau. “I can’t stop thinking about that Nerise Venim.”

“Oh, she was incredible, wasn’t she?” Mirri says. “Killing goblins felt even better knowing I was doing it for her. Seht knows I don’t take orders well, but somehow I found myself wishing she’d push me around a little.” Mirri meets my eyes and with a guilty little grin. “I… hope that’s what you meant.”

I sigh. “It is. She was intimidating, in that hello muthsera sort of way.” 

Mirri nods, and we stare at the Vivec City skyline for several long silent moments.

“Heh, I should have let one of those goblins knick me, so I could be injured enough for one of her upscale unguents.”

Mirri stares at me. “Sometimes I forget that you grew up Velothi.” She chuckles. “And in Stormhold.”

“What does that mean?” We start walking again. 

“Dunmer controlled Stormhold for much of your life, it’s true, but it was never a Dunmeri city. If you’d come of age in Vivec, or Balmora, or Mournhold, or even in your Ashlander clan, you’d have some idea about expensive upscale unguents to be sold to discerning clients.” 

“I guess I don’t know what exactly an unguent is.”

“Ah,” Mirri says, nodding. “Well, if I didn’t have experience with upscale unguents, I wouldn’t know either, but: one common synonym is lubricant.”

“Ah.”

The rest of our walk to Vivec City is mostly spent in comfortable silence, and we have a beautiful view of the Temple and the sun setting over the Inner Sea. To avoid some of the construction, we take the long way, past the silt strider station and the traders on the outskirts of town.

We’re walking through the crafting plaza when Mirri stops. “I bet I know where she’s selling her wares.”

“Ha, are you in the market?”

Mirri raises her eyebrows at me. “Irrelevant,” she says with a grin. “I meant… if you’re still thinking about her, maybe you could… see if she has any plans this evening.” She hesitates, then adds, “or… we could.” Mirri meets my eyes with slight unease. We love each other, of course, as one comes to love anyone who has fought by their side through Oblivion and back. We both feel pretty strongly that we work best as friends and adventuring partners, but we share sleeping arrangements regularly, and we’re adventurers, so of course, just like with several of my other regular traveling companions, we relieve one another’s tensions from time to time, or watch each other relieve tensions. Sometimes one of us helps the other pick up an evening companion who catches our eye… but we’ve never done it together.

I look down at my boots.

“Ah, just a thought!” Mirri stammers. “I’m sorry, friend, if that was over the line—”

“Mirri,” I don’t want to laugh at her, but I’m laughing at her. “I didn’t even say anything! As soon as you said that, I wondered why we’d never done it before.”

Mirri laughs, trying to sound calm but obviously relieved. “I thought the same thing. I’ve never had a threesome.”

“Really?” I do not hide my shock very well, and Mirri looks adorably sheepish. “Well, now we have to try.”

“I agree!” She grins and lays her hand on my hip. “And now that we’ve been thinking of this for as long as we have, I believe even if she declines, you and I will have a lovely evening, no?”

I lay a hand on her forearm and lean my head against hers for a moment. “Obviously.” We start walking toward the bridge. 

Mirri does know exactly where to find Nerise Venim, and it turns out, I know the place too—on our way in, Mirri and I wonder aloud, for the second time today, why we haven’t been broadening our exploration of common interests. The shop is run by Telvanni-trained mycoturges who specialize in a craft that’s been honed over many generations: strong, flexible, and very pleasurably-shaped fungi, preserved with Altmeri preservation enchantments for easy cleaning. The proprietor claims Vekh himself shops here, and while I’m not sure I believe that, this particular shop does have the best selection in Vivec City, and a wide variety of accessories.

Nerise has a small booth just inside the shop. She’s not serving anyone right now, but evidently things can get busy here—there’s a sign a short distance in front of the booth that says to ensure privacy for all, please wait behind this sign. Even out in the wilds, Nerise was dressed in noble finery and carried herself like a Grandmaster, and here in the shop, she looks regal; someone the rich and powerful trust with their secrets. If she claimed Vekh himself preferred her upscale unguents, I might believe her.

She smiles slyly as we approach. “Came looking for me, did you?” 

I nod. “Couldn’t stop thinking about you.” She raises an eyebrow, and I return her smile, hopefully with an air of casual ease. “We had to know what happened with Stromgruf.” 

“Ha!” Nerise claps her hands together. “Well he’s got pants now, at least, and—thank the Mercymother—I don’t have to deal with him anymore.” She leans across the counter conspiratorially. “If you can believe it, Stromgruf actually thanked me; even apologized for calling me a witch and endangering my livelihood! And that sword I bought him? He practically begged to trade it back for some vials of Potion Of Transform Into Guar For A Day Or So. Said he hadn’t thought once about getting blackout drunk while he was a guar.” She sighs. “Ayem knows the bottle is a far stricter mistress than some angry witch.��

Mirri, now standing outside of Nerise’s view, fans herself dramatically at that. I continue on bravely as if unaffected. “Please; you’re more than some angry witch,” I say. “You turned a Nord into a guar and he begged for more—it takes quite an alchemist to cook up something so potent and pleasurable.”

Nerise meets my eyes with a haughty smirk. “You’re damned right.” She pauses, then smiles serenely. “Now, can I interest you in something… potent and pleasurable?”

“That’s exactly what we came here to find,” I say, somehow managing not to stammer. “Do you have any plans for this evening?”

“Ha!” Nerise looks genuinely charmed. “My only plans are to find an inn room and count my coin. Hmph, look at me; do you think I slum it with adventurers?” She smiles, stern but amused, and meets my eyes to let me know her question was not rhetorical.

I laugh nervously. “Ah—heh. Ah, you—“

Mirri—as she often does—sees me faltering, and steps in. “Come now, sera, I think classifying my friend as merely an adventurer would bury the lede somewhat, don’t you?” Nerise crosses her arms and smiles with eyebrows raised, and Mirri meets her eyes and matches her pose. “We both know you’re worldly enough to have immediately recognized one of Tamriel’s great heroes when you met us earlier today,” Mirri says. “But, message received—it is a bit uncouth of us to make overtures while you’re at work. Apologies; we’ll leave you to your unguents.”

Mirri nods toward the door for us to leave, but Nerise says, “people make overtures all the time in my line of work—occasionally, I even find it intriguing rather than utterly laughable.” She smirks and meets Mirri’s eyes, then mine, and then there is a long, heavy silence. 

“You’re not laughing,” I point out.

“I try not to make a habit of it,” Nerise says, her expression hardening. 

Mirri and I exchange a glance—something about the way Nerise said that seems to have given us both pause.

Mirri drops her smirk. “It’s been rough for you of late, hasn’t it?” she says, now sincere and cautious. “Not just all the business with Stromgruf, but… things were hard well before the goblin situation, I’d wager.” Nerise presses her lips together and maintains her stare, but says nothing. “I come from a big family,” Mirri says, “I know what it looks like when someone has a lot of people depending on them, a lot of weight on their shoulders.” 

Nerise looks away and swallows hard. “Nothing I can’t handle,” she says.

“But wouldn’t it be good to set it down for a while?” I ask. Nerise turns to me, gaze stony and head held high, waiting for me to say more. “Don’t you get sick of cleaning up all the messes, keeping an eye on every variable, holding everything together for everyone around you?“ 

She stares at me, clenching her jaw. 

I meet her gaze, smiling, and ask, “don’t you ever wish someone else could take control; let you rest your mind, let yourself feel?”

Nerise stares at me for a long moment, jaw clenched and eyes glossy. She nods once. Mirri nudges me from behind. All three of us know what that nod meant.

I smile. “Wouldn’t it be good for someone to take care of you, for once, Nerise?”

She meets my eyes with something approaching vulnerability, then crosses her arms and looks away. “I doubt you’re up to the task.” 

Mirri lays her hand on the counter. “You doubt we’re up to the task?” 

Nerise stares at Mirri, then at me. After a long pause, she says, “I’ve got a lot to do here.” She continues staring back and forth at Mirri and me, as if she’s trying to say something without saying it.

“… I own the penthouse at St. Delyn’s Waistworks,” I say finally. 

Nerise is quiet for a few moments. “I’ll see how I feel later,” she says, her tone giving nothing away. 

“Fair enough,” says Mirri, suddenly chipper. “For now, we’ll stick to business.” Not far away from Nerise’s booth is a shelf of merchandise, and Mirri points to one of the mushrooms; long and thick with subtle ridges at the top. “I’ve got one like this back at the penthouse. What would you use to help it go down nice and easy?”

Nerise rolls her eyes and sighs, but says, “I usually recommend—“

“Bring it with you,” Mirri says, and turns to walk away, grabbing my arm to bring me along.

Nerise once again rolls her eyes and sighs, obviously having expected Mirri to say something like that. But she says, “I should tell you, I don’t go down without a fight. I’m rarely nice and never easy.”

Mirri grins. “Of course. See you soon.”

When we get outside, we’re giggling like kids. “That was awesome!” I say. “I didn’t know what to do—I just followed your lead! Very sexy, I have to say.” I affectionately bump Mirri with my hip.

“Thank you, sera,” Mirri says, bowing her head. “I may be inexperienced with threesomes, but let’s just say I have some idea of how to get people like Nerise Venim to unravel.”

“I don’t know,” I say. “She seemed a bit aloof about it all. You really think she’ll come over?”

“Oh, I suspect she will,” Mirri says coolly. “People like her need to hold onto the air of dominance right up until they’re on their backs—and from there it’s short work to get them on their knees.”

[altschmerzes]

Ooooh i would LOVE to hear your hot takes about the back half of season 2 and how they could have dealt with Jamie's history of abuse differently. I'm really hoping they show in season 3 that it's either been festering under the surface or that at least Jamie and Roy addressed things off screen. And of course I really need a Ted/Jamie conversation in season 3 about their father issues (and also why Jamie has featured in Ted's panic attacks) (call him your son to his face Ted so I can sob)

heyyyy i would be THRILLED to elaborate on that cause MAN is it something i think about a lot. i'm hoping they return to it in season 3 as well, especially in the ways you mentioned. like. my hat for that, i'd die.

anyways as to specific things that i think could've gone differently in the tail end of s2, i have some general thoughts and one very specific minor thread that i feel Very Strongly should've been approached differently. i'll put this under a cut bc it might get a bit long and i should be pre-emptively planning for that by now XD

(edit: i was right. it's enormous. i am both sorry and not at all sorry. i have one million thoughts and it turns out "narrative arcs related to abuse" and "jamie tartt in that context, specifically" are like, my activation concepts. who'd have guessed.)

alright. so. generally like....... i really wish that literally anyone had addressed what happened at all. like, as soon as the scene cut away from the scene in the locker room in 2x08, it was like that never happened. like we did get the scene of ted talking to sharon, and then beard leaving after that, and those were great scenes! but i found it really strange that jamie didn't come up there Once. like, once the shot cut from him and roy in the locker room, it may as well not have happened.

and i know i'm biased and would've liked to see that yknow, Dug Into, but even from the most 'we just don't have room in the season' standpoint, it would've taken what, six seconds? to have some throwaway exchange as beard is leaving at the end along the lines of "oh, also, jamie doing okay?" "ehhh. unclear. he's on the bus, the guys have him." or something. someone takes a moment to stop and check on him. tell him they're there if he needs anything. it could be anyone, it could have happened at any point after 2x08, but it quite literally is never discussed, mentioned, or referenced again, which seems....... like. idk. that was an enormously significant and enormously traumatic thing to have happen. you have a huge, horrible loss and then your teammate/player/friend's father shows up and you learn 1. his father is abusive, and 2. his father is now actively abusing him a couple of feet away from you, leading him to 3. need to punch his father in self-defense. and it simply never comes up again. i? hm.

and then in specific. the character that really strikes me here, the one that scene was maybe more significant and like......... perspective? shifting for? than anyone else aside from jamie and arguably ted is roy. and i think there's a specific Thing with roy that there was a massive missed opportunity on, vis a vis how things had to have been different for him regarding jamie after he saw that happened, after he stepped in to handle the fallout. i think roy not having to contend with what he saw, what he did there, at all is a missed opportunity overall, especially after he was such an instrumental part of that episode's build-up and boil-over, but there's a particular piece that gets stuck in my craw, to the extent that i may at some point be forced to write a 'what if' about it:

roy's reaction to the news that jamie told keeley he loved her should not have played out like that.

like. okay. hear me out on this one.

(putting that whole... thing. aside for the moment, about which i will only say: that was the most aromantic "love confession" i have ever seen in my life gd bless.)

all things considered the way they resolved the whole like. almost-but-thank-fuck-not a love triangle thing (season 3 do not fuck me on this one) with jamie being like yeah that was my b i'm sorry and roy being pissed but dropping it and forgiving him was like...... that went better than i ever would've hoped it would. but still there's a whole thing where- okay. it was mostly a joke, because this is still a comedy, and comedies do be like that. HOWEVER.

the whole.... exaggerated violence thing around the way that interaction went, "yeah you better talk first cause i'm gonna knock your teeth in and you're gonna need them for the talking bit," and then he tells keeley and she's like oh my gd did you punch him. did you kill him. and then he tells the diamond dogsTM and they're like And He's Still Alive?

i just.... i don't think that roy could've stomached saying something like that to jamie after what he saw happen in that locker room. i don't think he could've watched jamie's abusive father push him around and mock him to the point that he had to defend himself like that, and then held jamie while he had a full-on sobbing breakdown about it, and then like. turned around and threatened him like that not that long after especially with the way jamie is behaving in that interaction in the boots room. (like. he's scared. i don't think i'm reading too much into his behaviour in the scene where he apologizes to roy when i say that He Is Afraid, In That Scene.) i think once he saw that, no matter how mad he was that would've stopped him dead.

i think what would have played way better is if he'd maybe been Going to launch into that and then got into that room and saw the way jamie was standing and Not Looking At Him (seriously he is allergic to eye contact at all times but it's like. the extent to which he won't look at roy in that scene is Extreme) and completely lost the will to say any of it. so jamie gets through his apology and roy yells fuck and it's sort of the same but also for different reasons this time. and then he gets home and talks to keeley, and that goes pretty much the same. he's maybe more reserved, more serious during that bit.

and then we get to the bit with the other coaches and higgins, right. and there's that response again- and he's still alive??? and roy snaps. because why do people keep fucking SAYING that? what kind of a person do they think he is? why the fuck are you people implying i'd have- have fucking done something to him over this?

(which, obviously they did not mean this seriously. they were kidding. keeley and them were all obviously Kidding in these interactions.)

which is a pretty alarming reaction, like whoa, whoa, whoa, okay, rewind, what gives, that was a joke.

and he calms down and is like yeah i know i'm just. i don't want to be the kind of person people make that sort of joke about. (not when i stood in that room with jamie and knew he thought i was probably about to do something to him and he was not joking.) just like. some kind of buildup, buildup, payoff to the way that i don't think roy could've walked out of the locker room at wembley and had things just.... go back to being the same between him and jamie. go back to interacting with him the same way all the time, just. that scene was huge, especially for the two of them, and we have no idea how that affected them. none.

like. this is not in the past, is what i keep coming back to. and roy knows that. this is not Jamie Had An Abusive Father, which would have its own impact for damn sure. this is jamie's father is abusive and is actively still abusing him in the present tense, in fact did so right in front of my face the other day. and just. man. yeah.

anyways. this has been one million words long. i still think it went way better than i could've hoped. it went better than pretty much almost any other show would've done it. the 'i forgave him' thing was huge for roy. but still.

this would've acknowledged what happened, and done, i think, a great service to roy's continuing character arc. like, jamie was a shithead and he sucked in season 1 but roy was equally culpable for those two's specific uh..... rocky dynamic. that conflict DID escalate to violence a few times! not particularly seriously, just some shoving, but it did. and roy has this whole Thing where he's wrestling with leadership and responsibility and influence, wrestling with people looking to him and counting on him and "it has to be me. it can't be anyone else." (we want nothing from you that you do without grace. or without understanding.) the What Could've Been here haunts me. HAUNTS me, i'm telling you. one day i might have to write it just to exorcise that ghost.

[silvermoonshipping-is-love]

previous anon here! its absolutely understandable why you feel that way, especially since i noticed you were here during the creepypasta fandom recession era (2016-2019), where people were starting to police what was the right and wrong way to intepret the pastas.

As for the drownedsilver hate, while i cant confirm for sure it was the source, was primarily started by a pokepasta fnf community member who has been recently outed as a creep and a generally terrible person (who called any ship they disliked proship!!) 😭 they had an iron grip over that community for 2 years, hence why so many people were dogpiling! Now that they're gone, i see more people being comfortable with putting out drowndsliver content out there!

I dont know if this information or acknowledgement will eleveate your anxiety. But i hope you gain the courage to post more about your own intepretations of ben and silver 🫂 You shouldnt feel like you have to appease a wider public to enjoy what you love.

My favourite example is the fact that say Ben HAD to be a pervert or a stoner and an asshole, nevermind the fact he's a deeply traumatized child, stuck in a video game and canonly a pacifist and not (intentionally) hurting anybody, like that is fine, but GOD FORBID you make EJ's skin slightly blue-ish to go with his overall colour palette. But also god forbid if you draw or write anything messed up or more mature in whatever way?? If anything the creepypasta fandom of all things being so strict is so odd, most characters don't have a fully set personality or the fact that all kinds of awful shit happens to them, especially CHILDREN, but wanting to draw two characters smooching? Now you've gone too far lmao.

Policing fandoms and fandom activity is a rising trend and I'm not happy about it as a "fandom old" so to speak lol. My motto is unless you are genuinely harming someone in real life or crossing someone's boundaries, just tag it correctly, and you do you. I may not like everything you do personally, but unless you are actively interfering with me or trying to harm me or others, whatever.

Also I was never in the community fully due to the incident and the hate towards SilvernMoon, so I never heard about this person. But unfortunately I'm not even that shocked, if you're that adamant about how wholesome or pure or unproblematic you are and everyone has to be, then you just seem all the more likely to have some skeletons so to speak. Just a real shame about my one FNF AU, cause it's sort of a personal one to me, cause of venting and feelings depicted.

If you mean creep as I think you do, I hope the victims are okay now.

But on the flip side I also eventually thought the fnf community are hypocrites anyways. Cause I saw all the hate for SilvernMoon while not even say incest stuff got as much hate in all my fandom years, yet the very person most of the community shipped Silver with? Red. The Red from his story. The same Red that is the whole reason Silver is forgotten and dead! I don't want to fully ship-shame, I just wanna showcase the irony, like- THAT is fine but SilvernMoon is wrong?? SilvernMoon out of all ships I ever saw is the one people drew the line at and hated the absolute shit out of???

Also there was a similar person over here in the regular creepypasta fandom that dogpiled on me as a minor, so that added, who called me a pdf file because I portray these characters as adults and made a more adult joke, but they INSISTED every version of Ben had to be 12 years old. Gurl, I don't know how to tell you, but the ghost kid that haunts a Nintendo Cartridge... He's not real, his whole concept as a cyber ghost isn't real. I know it's shocking to hear, you may sit down from that, but it's the truth.

I am getting better but it still feels like a long road to fully heal and say "fuck the haters"... I keep trying to even do youtube or stuff, but all this is holding me back pretty strongly-

[gideonthefirst]

3, 17, and i'll re-ask 16 to get whatever other one you meant!

3. What were your top five books of the year?

WAHOO! I like this one it's made me realize that I actually loved way more books this year than I was giving credit to. Let's say:

5. We Have Always Live in the Castle by Shirley Jackson. Loved loved loved this one it's turned me into a big #ShirleyHead and also (along with Hill House) is responsible for some other takes I've had about books this year which I'll expound on later.

4. Go Ahead in the Rain: Notes on a Tribe Called Quest by Hanif Abdurraqib. Nobody's doing it like him. Only music writer I've ever read who is actually capable of communicating the music itself just over text, loves the things he writes about so strongly that it makes you as the reader love them too, beautiful beautiful collection and piece of work. A Little Devil in America would be on here too but I'm limiting myself to one book per author to resolve both this and the Nabokov problem.

3. When the Angels Left the Old Country by Sacha Lamb. First book I finished in 2023 and one of my all-time favorites :] It's so smart and so lovingly written and so complex and doing such fun things with religion and history and gender and also it's a fun and excellently-paced read. Recommend without qualification

2. Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov. Well. It's Lolita innit

1. Stephen Florida by Gabe Habash. Would I argue that Stephen Florida is "better" than Lolita? Who knows. Depends on the day. But I did love it more than any other book I've read in recent memory. The most directly invested I've been in a story in a long time, spent huge stretches of it being so stressed out about multiple things at once that I had to pause every five pages to catch my breath. Stunning depiction of a deeply unlikable character who you still want to win an unwinnable situation. Hostile to any attempt of a reader to figure out what it "means" or is "saying". Fantastic commitment to character voice. Perfect ending that had me totally motionless and speechless for maybe ten minutes. Have never in my life been more disappointed to find out that an author hasn’t written anything else. Man. Nobody is doing it like that.

16. What was the most overhyped book of this year?

Sob really funny of Sarah to get Annihilation and you to get The Only Good Indians by Stephen Graham Jones. This wasn’t my first answer because it certainly is less broadly overhyped than Annihilation but I haven’t heard a single other person have negative feelings about it and I’m baffled by this. It fell into such a constant and repetitive trap of overexplaining things to me, both exposition and description of things that were supposed to be scary, and it drove me nuts. It being the year of Ms. Shirley Jackson certainly did not help, since she really has the perfect balance of how much to describe something to keep it scary, which isn’t super fair to Mr. Jones but it’s true regardless. Plus I thought how it treated women was really strange (derogatory), which I would have cared about much less in a better book but in this one really stuck out and weakened it further. And overall I just did not at all really understand what it was trying to do, which could be on me but I’m certainly too annoying to admit it, the pacing did not work for me at All and it just. Ugh. Didn’t like it!!

17. Did any books surprise you with how good they were?

I was kind of shocked by how much I liked Where Are Your Boys Tonight? but I have already talked about that one. So let’s go with The Assassin’s Apprentice by Robin Hobb. It wasn’t like life changing or anything but it was a much more fun read than I was expecting since last attempt I made I bounced off the narration style immediately. But despite its many many concessions to the great weaknesses of epic fantasy I still intend to read the sequel and I especially love how Hobb engages with, uh, pain and sickness and disability and how she refuses to let them fade away and seems to really understand the extent to which pain and extended sickness alter people. I’m so so so excited to get to the torture because of this

[littlealeta]

In Defense of Vincent Brooks

I’m obsessed with Vincent and I can’t stop defending him. Right now, I’m feeling pretty mad because I recently got into a fight with Twitter over Vincent and the discussion ended up being not productive at all and just ended in insults and lost arguments. I think the things that make him divisive are actually what make him well-written as a character.

TW: SA, Domestic Abuse, R word, Cheating

Okay, let’s start with the number 1 argument:

“Vincent cheated!”

You are looking at the game from a superficial perspective. I’m sorry if some of y’all were in a bad relationship and were triggered by Vincent’s story. You have my sympathies. But please don’t look at the game as some simple typical story about someone cheating on their significant other. Vincent never asked for some random girl to come up and molest him. We never really see Vincent actually make a move on Catherine, it was always Catherine first. We are seeing through Vincent’s perspective who doesn’t remember the details and thinks he’s cheating! If you look at the big picture, because of these things, you can see that the cheating angle was never clear cut in the first place.

“Vincent should’ve said he had a girlfriend”

Who doesn’t even treat him nicely in the first place? I won’t argue with you that Vincent shouldn’t have been so codependent on two Karens and I’m not going to trash you if you ship Vincent and Katherine but the entire point of the game is Vincent trying to figure out what he wants in life. You don’t just get out of high school/college and suddenly know what you want out of life. Adulthood is just the beginning. You may not have cliques and peer pressure anymore, but you have careers, families, relationships etc. which can be just as hard and confusing. Vincent is stuck between a girl who he has loved for so long and a girl who loves freedom just as much as he does and on top of that, both treat him like shit! Of course that would be confusing. It doesn’t mean he’s a cheater because he doesn’t make a move on Catherine in the first place, he’s just confused.

Vincent should've told Katherine that he cheated

Excuse me??? Vincent should've told Katherine that HE FUCKED UP? Don't you realize that we're talking about a fictional character here? Most cheaters or people who have done something wrong would NOT FLAT OUT TELL the person they KNOW is going to punish them. I mean, yes, he was under the influence, but often people don't forgive others for using the alcohol excuse.

“Rin doesn’t deserve him because he hit her!”

Which he tried to make up for? I won’t argue with you that that was rude. What I will argue with is saying that he doesn’t deserve Rin for this. Vincent just lightly slapped Rin, which was probably accidental because sometimes we get so stressed that we literally can’t control ourselves. Plus, friends fight and break up and make up. That doesn’t make them bad people or that they don’t deserve each other. Vincent can get back with Rin and start a healthy relationship.

“Vincent is a completely horrible person with no redeeming qualities. He is the worst.”

Oh God, so much to unpack here…

First of all, are we talking about Catherine or something? Have you guys not played Full Body or even interacted with any of the sheep or bar patrons? Have you fallen for the harmful misandry messages? Are you trying to be hyperbolic on purpose (because that's real funny man, real funny.👏👏)? HAVE YOU EVEN BEEN PAYING ATTENTION TO CATHERINE IN THE FIRST PLACE OR ARE YOU JUST TOO BLINDED BY YOUR TUNNEL VISION WITH VINCENT'S FLAWS? Look, I am guilty of feeling strongly about some very awfully behaved fictional characters, but as someone who used to dislike Vincent, even I wouldn’t be foolish enough to say this. I dislike Caillou, but I would not call him a bad person. He’s a toddler with barely developed morals and parents who don’t discipline him. If you think about it, nobody in Catherine are really much better than Vincent. They all have different issues, but that doesn’t mean they’re angels either. In fact, Erica, Orlando, and Katherine have all manipulated and lied to their partners just like Vincent yet somehow Vincent is the worst? WE HAVE A SUCCUBUS R WORDING, ABUSING, and MOLESTING MEN, A BARTENDER TRYING TO KILL MEN VIA NIGHTMARES, A MAN WHO GIVES NO FUCKS ABOUT LIFE OR PEOPLE IN GENERAL, TELLS HIS FRIEND TO GO CHEAT ON HIS GIRLFRIEND, BULLIES A FRIEND FOR BEING THE YOUNGEST, IS CONSTANTLY INSENSITIVE TOWARDS SOMEONE GOING THROUGH THE WORST TRAUMA IN THEIR LIVES AND STARTED A SHADY FISHING BUSINESS AND SOMEHOW VINCENT IS.THE.WORST?!?!?! Vincent is not a terrible person just because he’s meek and cowardly, those traits aren’t inherently bad traits to have. Vincent CAN be a bad person, but that’s only if you’re going for Catherine. In the other endings, he becomes a better person. That’s what character development is all about. If Vincent hadn’t made those mistakes, there would be no conflict or character development. There are characters people love dearly who act much much worse than Vincent, yet people despise and demonize Vincent because he’s a “coward”.

“Vincent deserves everything he gets”

Okay, I’m going to repeat some of the things I said in the Jerry Smith defense post that I made (which I will admit, I don’t even like Jerry anyway, I just feel like people saying he deserves all the abuse he gets and that he is the worst while we have Rick and Beth sitting over there is pretty disturbing and confusing to read). Jerry is, you guessed it, another meek and cowardly underdog character who everyone loves to hate on. Again, you need to look at the big picture instead of what a fictional story full of asshole characters are saying. Yes, Vincent should get consequences for his actions but the consequences he gets are often too severe because again, THIS IS A FUCKING VIDEO GAME. The game is not trying to send any positive messages about dealing with men who are sheep and have commitment issues. We only have that conflict because it makes a story interesting and unique. We love to see characters struggle and try to overcome it. But saying that Vincent truly deserves all the horrible trauma, near deaths, and abuse he went through is the disturbing part about it. Again, I and many others are guilty of saying fictional characters need to be cancelled or killed, but that doesn’t mean it’s a logical thing to say.

“Vincent is a pussy”

Uh… yeah? Again, that is the whole point of character development? Not everyone needs to have a flaw where they're only rude or amoral or arrogant. And did you not pay attention to the fact that this dude got r worded, molested, abused, pressured, accidentally cheated, and had to survive through 9 days worth of sleepless nightmares climbing blocks and running from monsters? What were you expecting? Vincent to suck it up and be a typical overly assertive, opinionated protagonist who shows no emotion to the things he was going through? Would you think differently if he was a woman? We need more emotionally vulnerable men in fiction!

Do you just hate passive characters in general? If so, okay, but that doesn’t make them bad characters. Passive characters can be written well, but the problem is most people write them this way just to be the underdog or because they’re too lazy to have that protagonist further the plot or have any other traits besides being passive and nice. At least Vincent is a multi-dimensional character, he does further the plot (by lying and hurting K/Catherine), and does have some good reasons for being scared. The major problem with him is that your choices don’t actually matter until the end.

But put yourself in Vincent’s shoes. How would you feel if you had to survive through all the stuff he was going through? Even if you may not understand the codependency issues or his tendency to hide and lie his way out of everything, I doubt you wouldn’t lose it as well. Some of y’all might even act way worse than Vincent ever had. You probably only hate him because he’s a vulnerable, scared man who expresses his emotions over the things that he was going through.

Edit: Oh, here's another common complaint I found.

"Vincent didn't tell Toby about Erica's gender"

Y'all are just looking for any reason to shit on Vincent huh? Not that many of y'all's takes weren't bad and shallow enough, but I digress. Why should Vincent bear the responsibility of telling Toby about Erica's past? That is THEIR relationship and THEIR business. In reality, Erica was more in the wrong for not being honest with Toby. I don't even think this is the case of being socially awkward or impolite. It's reasonable enough for Vincent to assume that since they were in a relationship, Toby possibly could've already known about Erica being transgender unless they were actually seeing Erica lie to Toby.

ERICA was the cause of the strain of her and Toby's relationship, NOT Vincent and his buds. But again, you just like to ignore everyone else's actions and think of them as perfect or good human beings, while Vincent is the one who gets all the shit because he is the opposite of them. Unconfident, unassertive, fearful, insecure, and socially awkward and again, none of these traits make someone a bad or evil person.

I’m not trying to say that you should like Vincent and I’m sorry if I may have overreacted a bit (trying to be nice, I swear). I just feel disturbed by some of the things people have said about him and to me during some of our arguments. I understand he may not resonate with many people, especially westerners. But I feel like people can often be a bit too hard on him. I understand feeling strongly about fictional characters, I often get like that too, but I’m just hoping my essays would get people to see Vincent in a new light instead of this shallow black and white protagonist and inherent hatred for any meek character. 

The point of his character isn’t to be universally relatable nor is he the typical stoic badass protagonist. Not every character needs to have either one of those traits. I’d much rather watch a quirky character in a quirky story rather than a character who acts exactly like what I see in everyday life. I admit, I don’t entirely relate to Vincent either. I would never cheat, lie, smoke, drink, or stay in toxic relationships. And anyone who knows my account knows that I am FAR from meek. But Vincent isn’t supposed to be a role model so… 

But let’s be honest, as someone with severe anxiety, I would break too if I was in Vincent’s situation and I’m sure anyone would. I’d likely actually go crazy. Dude got sexually assaulted, believes he may or may not have cheated, and had to solve complex puzzles and get chased by monsters in an ENTIRE week. And on top of that, no one gives a fuck about him or treat him kindly but Rin (the only one he acts normally toward), which he loses midway in the game. How would you expect him to be sane and well-adjusted from that?

I’m not trying to say Vincent is perfect because he isn’t! But he is not an irredeemable devil. No one in the game is besides Catherine and the Boss. Vincent isn’t supposed to be perfect because again, there would be no character development if he was. Vincent tried his best, many people don’t even care to fix their issues or take responsibility for their mistakes unless maybe they get some huge wake up call while Vincent tried to fix his mistakes before getting those wake up calls. Some people go completely off the rails. We got to give Vincent credit where credit is due for trying to clean up his mess and try to be a better person even if he stumbled alot because growth isn’t linear or easy.

[9-444]

rubs hands together. sorry for staying on anon i’m just so mysterious but can i ask if you have any headcanons (pinkfrank wise / just for the show + character in general…) i think your mind is like really big i want to hear more… teehee

THATS OK ANON KEEP UR SECRETS!! i’m so so so glad you want to hear my thoughts because i have a billionOf them. but here is some :3

- I think it’s kinda canon already but. after everything that has happened Francis suffers really badly from nightmares and just general nighttime anxiety that really affects his sleep.

Whenever he wakes up from a bad one he’ll have to check to make sure all his friends are still with him and will go through the entire apartment to make sure some fucked up entity didn’t appear in their bathtub again.

If it’s really bad, he’ll even go outside and pace the block of their apartment, maybe he’ll check the rooftop too, just to be safe.

Pink Guy also definitely suffers some separation anxiety. i mean. think of all the times he’s been separated from Francis cuz of some other entity that’s way stronger than he is. Sure, Francis is strong too and he’ll be back, but when? and how long?

The only thing that comforts them both is sleeping with each other. having the other physically close to them is the only thing that reassures them enough to have a deep sleep + who the hell doesn’t like cuddling. francis always sleeps on his back with pink wrapped around him.

- Francis asked Pink to roast him once and he ended up crying in the shower.

- The reason Francis doesn’t know how Pink even makes his albums is because JOJI HELPS HIM!! i feel so strongly abt this. I imagine Pink feeling the need to sneak out at night just to go with George and record his music LMFAO

- FRANCIS IS VERY JEALOUS WHEN HE FINDS OUT And in general is insecure/jealous/overprotective over pink . he will never own up to it. ( this is kind of canon already remember when he caught them in the bathroom recording together and was immediately offended . “You didn’t invite me! 🙄” yea . )

- !!!When the whole house gets bored of sitting around at the apartment Francis will just take everyone to a really pretty realm and they just hang out there for the day :) they all know they’re really lucky to have a friend like Francis ^_^

- When francis was banished it was probably the worst time of Pinks life. he was just stuck at the apartment with a man who looks and sounds exactly like his best friend, but at the same time is nothing like him, in fact hes Worse than him. Made even worse by the fact that sal and safari were out looking for francis, so he truly was all alone with fake. I imagine him spending most of his time either moping around in the bathroom or desperately in some other realm looking for francis :(

- if fake was ever taken in by francis and the rest of the gang after getting left by chin chin, it’d take the longest for pink to get used to him. honestly i don’t think he’d ever really get along him after he was the one that was stuck alone with him for so long. poor pink went crazy cuz of him. definitely a love hate relationship between those two

[mezzomorendo]

Meet the Mun.

ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴍᴀᴅᴇ ʏᴏᴜ ᴘɪᴄᴋ ᴜᴘ ᴛʜᴇ ᴄᴜʀʀᴇɴᴛ ᴍᴜꜱᴇ(ꜱ) ʏᴏᴜ ʜᴀᴠᴇ?

Zack has been a staple of my life since I first picked up Crisis Core wayyyyy back in 2009-2010 ish. Ever since I saved up every penny from chores and babysitting to get a PSP specifically to play it, I was obsessed with him and his story. I never played OG 7, so all I knew was Zack's life and his story and I loved him. I still do, and to this day he's a giant influence on me. I have an intense emotional connection with this character, and as an adult I see now why I connected with him so much. He was exactly what I needed as a lost, confused kid who didn't understand why I was the way I was. I picked Zack up as a muse a couple years ago, when I finally decided to try my hand at writing him. For the longest time he was just someone I admired, and now I get to infuse him with even more love. <3

ɪꜱ ᴛʜᴇʀᴇ ᴀɴʏᴛʜɪɴɢ ʏᴏᴜ ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ʟɪᴋᴇ ᴛᴏ ᴡʀɪᴛᴇ?

I'm not super fond of a lot of action scenes? Fights are really hard for me to do. I also don't tend to do things like torture or other darker subjects like that because I'm just here to have fun and do character exploration LMAO.

ɪꜱ ᴛʜᴇʀᴇ ᴀɴʏᴛʜɪɴɢ ʏᴏᴜ ʀᴇᴀʟʟʏ ᴇɴᴊᴏʏ ᴡʀɪᴛɪɴɢ?

FLUFF!!!!!! SHIPS!!!!!!!!!!! Really whatever lets me explore him being happy and alive and a person outside of the narrative. He really is defined by his death, so I love to explore who he is outside of war and dying.

ʜᴏᴡ ᴅᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ᴄᴏᴍᴇ ᴜᴘ ᴡɪᴛʜ ʜᴇᴀᴅᴄᴀɴᴏɴꜱ?

Not gonna lie, quite a few are me projecting onto him LMAO. But usually the way I write HCs are from a handful of prompting questions. Some examples are below <3 "What are the realistic consequences of this part of his life?" This brought me to how long it would likely take him to heal after being riddled with bullets, what is mental state would be like, why he's no longer a combatant, and how he moved from "mercenary" to "EMT" "Would this explain why he is the way he is?" This is a lot of where I'm starting to extrapolate Gongagan culture/history as well as expanding on his family. It's also where i got him being poly and ADHD!

ᴅᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ᴡʀɪᴛᴇ ɪɴ ꜱɪʟᴇɴᴄᴇ ᴏʀ ᴅᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ᴘʟᴀʏ ᴍᴜꜱɪᴄ?

Music for more intense scenes, but often time it's just whatever random youtube video is playing in the background for me. I do have an entire Zack playlist on Spotify I use when I really need to get IC though.

ᴅᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ᴘʟᴀɴ ʏᴏᴜʀ ʀᴇᴘʟɪᴇꜱ ᴏʀ ᴡɪɴɢ ᴛʜᴇᴍ?

Eh, wing them usually. Sometimes I do a bit of planning over discord by throwing around IC thoughts or plots, but usually it's very spur of the moment. Zack doesn't do a lot of pre-planning himself so I don't tend to either.

ᴅᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ᴇɴᴊᴏʏ ꜱʜɪᴘᴘɪɴɢ?

HELL FUCKING YEAH I AM! I've elaborated on it in my rules but genuinely I love shipping with Zack. He's so full of love and care and it's hard for him not to catch feelings for people. He's also defined by the amount of love he gives - he loves so strongly, and all the time. I won't force ship, but even if you're like "hey i have a silly crackship" gimme.

ᴡʜᴀᴛ'ꜱ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴀʟɪᴀꜱ/ɴᴀᴍᴇ?

Kei! :D It's the name I use in dating sims and it's stuck LMAO

ᴀɢᴇ?

25+

ʙɪʀᴛʜᴅᴀʏ?

Soon, actually! Late April.

ꜰᴀᴠᴏʀɪᴛᴇ ᴄᴏʟᴏʀ(ꜱ)?

Blues and blacks <3

ꜰᴀᴠᴏʀɪᴛᴇ ꜱᴏɴɢ(ꜱ)?

Depends on my mood tbh but right now it's like. 90% of KINGDOM's work lolol especially Last Flower - i am WAITING for the day they eventually release it to streaming ;w;

ʟᴀꜱᴛ ᴍᴏᴠɪᴇ ʏᴏᴜ ᴡᴀᴛᴄʜᴇᴅ?

Advent Children, actually! I got to watch it with my BF who had never seen it before and it was sooooo much fun LMAO.

ʟᴀꜱᴛ ꜱʜᴏᴡ ʏᴏᴜ ᴡᴀᴛᴄʜᴇᴅ?

Uhhhhh Apothecary Diaries I think? I think the last thing I watched was the finale for that.

ʟᴀꜱᴛ ꜱᴏɴɢ ʏᴏᴜ ʟɪꜱᴛᴇɴᴇᴅ ᴛᴏ?

The Soda Wave on youtube's Pruno Faustino cover of Soleil by Tiara <3 I love that voicebank they made SO MUCH and it's so pretty

ꜰᴀᴠᴏʀɪᴛᴇ ꜰᴏᴏᴅ?

PASTRIES! Everything from Chocolate Lava Cake to croissants to mochi to whatever! I looooove pastries so much <3

ꜰᴀᴠᴏʀɪᴛᴇ ꜱᴇᴀꜱᴏɴ?

Fall. Bugs are dead and can't scare me and i'm not having issues with temperature regulation

ᴅᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ᴀ ᴛᴜᴍʙʟʀ ʙᴇꜱᴛ ꜰʀɪᴇɴᴅ?

Not really? I just have a lotta good friends :>

tagged by: well really stolen from @reapersxfolly (it's not letting me @ u gomenasorry)

tagging: whoever wants to do it!

[sentientgopro]

Tomorrow marks one month since I cracked. 2 things have become very apparent over this time.

1: This is gonna be a long and hard year and a half before I can transition. The month has already felt wild, the disconnect between the change in mental state and actual, y'know, change, has been really jarring and will only get more so the more time passes with nothing changing.

2: Just how much I was wrong about at first and how much stuff there was under the surface. Sentences like "I don't feel dysphoria" and "I can easily be a guy for a while" spring to mind. lol. lmao even. It was only like a week and a half ago I was saying the name I think I like means nothing to me and is just a nice name and that itd probably stay that way until late into transition. But nope, I'm already kinda starting to feel that name. Atleast like 2 and a half years before I can actually start using it. Great.

For all the negatives, there's one thing that has persisted since day 3 and that is the permanent mood improvement. Not being able to transition till I can move out sucks, but it gives me something to look forward to, which it turns out I was in dire need of, with my only real reasons to live being reasons not to end it yet, as opposed to reasons why I should live. But I see it now. A happy future is very much within my grasp and I WILL make it happen. Being in a better mood has made it easier to get stuff done on a day to day basis, and getting stuff done makes me feel even better. I've been on an upward spiral that's doing pretty good at counteracting the downward spiral of increasing dysphoria.

That's more of a recap, and now that the dust has settled a bit for now and I haven't bren having as many big realisations about it, I've started thinking, "why now?" Its not like I didn't know about trans people. I've been involved in trans spaces for years, I've been having these kind of feelings for years too. What actually was it that truly set it off? Like, the true moment of understanding was my first scroll through r/egg_irl but what was it that compelled me to do that?

Idea one was my first real feeling of euphoria. I kinda knew what it was at the time, I just ignored it. A month or two prior to cracking, my hair was at the longest it had ever been (which is not long at all.) It was the first time that the bits of hair infront of my ears (normally just a short spike shape as part of my fade) was long enough to dangle on its own as opposed to being fully stuck to my head. Something about having dangling hair like that felt good. I knew why, I just ignored it. I wonder if that specific feeling had been a bit of an early kickstart into this realisation? Either way, I was told to get a haircut shortly after (theres a reason my hair never gets very long) so I didn't dwell on it.

The only other factor I can really think of that was different just before cracking was watching Gen V? In short, Gen V features a character who can switch between masc and fem in an instant. In my interpretation of the show, this doesn't inherently make them genderfluid, but the power serves as an exaggeration for presenting (so them being masc is comparable to boymoding.) When looked at from that perspective, their writing strongly reflects that of a trans character and it kinda hit a certain spot for me. But honestly, I really don't think that was the actual catalyst.

The only real conclusion I can draw from this is that there was no actual catalyst. For a fair few days before fully cracking, I felt something was off, and I knew exactly what it was and what was about to happen, even if I didn't admit it to myself. So I think my cracking must have been a very gradual thing with no real catalyst.

There was more I had to say here, but its a fairly different topic and got really long, Ill save it for its own post. This has perhaps been one of the wildest months of my life, and also one of the most normal. As much as I hate that nothing has really changed, the better understanding of myself Ive gotten has been massively benefical. Besides, knowing is half the battle and I'm pretty much there already.

[tren-fraszka]

Candy Hearts 2024

Dear creator,

Thank you for taking your time to check my requests. I know my requests can sound a bit tricky, but please don’t be discouraged. I wish you will have good time writing first and foremost!

My AO3 is Tren, if you wish to check it out. I’m open to treats.

Likes: comedy, angst, casefics, canon compliants, canon divergences, AUs, time loops, bodyswaps, roleswaps, “being hoisted by your own petard” plotlines, snark, pettiness, rivals, enemies to friends to lovers, pining, bed sharing, violence, friendships, and character bonding,

DNW: explicit sex (makeouts and fade to black is okay), A/B/O, mpreg, rape depicted as positive (so no “it’s okay, because the other person enjoyed it/it was what they truly wanted”), trans headcanons, soulmate AUs, stories ending with surrender to fate/destiny, fourth wall breaking in canons where that doesn’t occur, character has cancer or other real-life terminal disease AU, word “queerplatonic”.

Also, I included what ships I’m okay with in each fandom. Please do not include any ships that aren’t canon and I have not allowed in those sections (if you feel really strongly about a ship I haven’t mentioned, you can always ask through mods just in case).

On a separate, but similar note, I’m okay with OCs as long as they don’t overshadow the characters I requested.

Additionally, while I almost never request fanart as possible medium, because I prefer my main gift to be fic, I would be very okay with receiving fanart treats. Also, feel free to peruse my old letters if you get your hands on them. I never stop being interested in fandoms, and if I requested something once I will still want it in the future.

                                     REQUESTS

HONKAI STAR RAIL

Kafka/Stelle

I was down bad for Kafka ever since I first saw her and it’s no surprise that this ship quickly found a way into my heart.

I love Kafka’s manipulative demeanor, but also how she clearly cares about Stelle in her own twisted way. Or is that care also a part of an act? Who can tell? Certainly not Stelle, who is stuck trying to figure out Kafka

I honestly want to see more interactions from those two. Maybe Stelle, bored to death from waiting on Xianzhou’s bureaucracy to let her kick some ass, stumbles on Kafka and decides to try to get some answers from her rather than contacting Express. Will they go on a date, or maybe go on a mission together, or maybe there will briefly make out? Or an extended take on Kafka’s personal mission. So many options!

Or maybe for some reason Stelle gets briefly kidnapped by Kafka, and just because Stelle understands what Stockholm Syndrom is, doesn’t mean it’s easy to resist falling for her captor

What if Kafka broke into Simulated Universe with Silver Wolf’s help and added herself into the code. I’d love a story where Stelle keeps jumping into SU in order to meet virtual Kafka, hoping to gain some understanding of her and maybe getting some nice virtual gifts each time it happens

I also love the dichotomy they have going when it comes to their approch to destiny. Kafka claims to believe in destiny, yet seems to desperately hope for Stelle to prove her wrong in a very contradictory way. Meanwhile the protagonist despite being setup as a pawn in Estio’s plan is clearly carving her own destiny as a Trailblazer and there’s just something really poetic about it. I feel like it’s that aspect of Stelle that makes Kafka smitten with her

Ruan Mei/Stelle

I didn't know I would grow to love Ruan Mei as much as I did, but she ended up really exceeding my expectations.

I love how the main story kinda demysticizes Ruan Mei from the distant genius she heard about to introvert who is hesitant to form honest relationships with others. The roundabout way she goes around to resolving the crisis she caused made me laugh.

I'll gladly take more shenanigans with the anti-truth serum. What if Ruan Mei starts using it to avoid having Stelle confess, since she has no idea how to handle other's affection towards her. Or maybe Ruan Mei assumes the memory lose side effect kicked in when it clearly didn't and Stelle is now keeping up the illusion of losing memories (since she has first-hand experience and stuff), because she's afraid that Ruan Mei will leave if she discovers Stelle has her memories. Or alternatively, the memory lose side effect did kick in and Stelle is now desperately trying to grasp all the affection slipping away from her. Or what if something went wrong during preparations and Ruan Mei accidentally wiped out her memory (or maybe it wasn't an accident?), forcing Stelle to look after her

I'm also up for all the critter shenanigans. Stelle bonding with critters and trying to make Ruan Mei care more for them since it raises the chances of her returning to Hearta Station. Or they start an actual cult. If this event showed something it's that you could make a religion out of Ruan Mei.

It'd also be interesting to see a research taking Ruan Mei down a strange or dark path and her dragging Stelle down with her. We'd already seen how narrow her view becomes when she hyperfocuses on her research. What if she ends up hurting Stelle in the process. Feel free to go dark with this prompt.

AUs and ships

I’d rather avoid setting AUs for this canon, since I feel like it would be hard to replicate the elements that make those ships so fun. I’d however love any canon divergences. I’d love an AU where Kafka is a double agent and has separate identity as Stellaron Hunter and someone on the Express. Or maybe since Kafka has powers affecting mind, there’s some sort of mental link between her and Stelle. What if Stelle starts to regain her memories. For Ruan Mei I think an AU where she starts to tamper more with Simulated Universe would be fun. Maybe something happens to Hearta and Ruan Mei starts to lead the development or it's an AU where it was always her project. Or maybe Ruan Mei's secret project in Herta's lab was something different.

I’d rather characters I requested aren’t shipped with anyone else. I wouldn't want an outright love triangle, but I'm okay with mentions of Stelle potentially having feelings for both women I requested her with. I’m fine with background Bronya/Seel. Feel free to inquire about other background pairings

AKANE-BANASHI

I’m up to date with manga, feel free to include new development

Akane Ousaki/Hikaru Kouragi

Finally, classic shounen rivals - lesbian version. I’m so glas we are finally here.

Rivalry slowly turning into romance! Becoming closer with every rakugo event that they meet at. Going together (on totally not dates) to rakugo events to watch other performers or maybe visiting places connected to the stories they’re working for inspiration. Would they try to help each other if either of them ran into trouble?

How would a confession look like? Would it be something open, or would one of them slip it between the lines. Would there be pushback about them dating given how traditional rakugo it? I won’t be surprised if there had already been some gay relationships the rakugo community that were an open secret, but what if Akane and Hikaru decide to come in the open about their relationship

AUs and ships

I think a setting change could be pretty fun as long as the element of rivalry stays intact. Different time periods, fantasy AUs, or such could be really interesting for them. Maybe they’re singers now, or bards. I would also be very up for a fastforward to when they’re adults and their rakugo career is in full bloom. How had relationship between them changed? Or has it stayed pretty much the same?

Please don’t ship Akane and Hikaru with anybody else.

MACHIKADO MAZOKU

I watched both anime seasons, but haven’t read the manga yet. Please don’t spoil developments that weren’t yet in anime.

Chiyoda Momo/Yoshida “Shamiko” Yuuko

Do I even need to explain? Those two are just perfect together - a depressed magical girl finding love and acceptance with very clumsy demon who makes the dark side look way more tempting than it ever should have been.

I’m definitely here for both Shamiko trying to pull Momo out of depression through her “evil” schemes and for some more serious plot. Whether it be cute moments of bonding or Shamiko proving her worth when her friends or family are in danger, I’m here for it.

I would be up to more outings of those two. Maybe they go to aquarium or movies? Or maybe Momo requires more mental support and has Shamiko dive into her dreams (this time consensually) to help her deal with some sort of bad memory or recurring nightmare. What if some rouge demon or magical girl came into town and started causing trouble? How would our duo resolve it? Are there more secrets left behind by Momo’s sister than need to be solved?

Chiyoda Momo/Yoshida “Shamiko” Yuuko/Lico

I really loved the addition of Lico to the cast. She’s such an chaos element, because at one moment she’s extremly useful and the second she’ll be trying to spike your food with suspicious herbs. Just 100% trickster fox and I love her for that.

I found her relationship with both Shamiko and Momo extremely compelling. She’s a bit of a cunning senpai for Shamiko, obviously happy to teach her, but definitely not above a harmless prank here and there. On the other hand, there’s Momo, who visibly reminds Lico of her bad experiencess in the past, but at the same time she’s very willing to help Momo, but not without being very snarky about it and pranking her like there’s no tomorrow. I feel like that complex relationship between the characters is so good.

I would be curious to explore Lico’s point of view when it comes to Momo’s descent to the dark side. Is that the reason why she warmed up to Momo despite her bad experiences? Does she have some specific hangups that she needs to work through before she can actually enter the relationship? Does Lico want to influence Shamiko’s development as a demon in some way, or is she satisfied helping her along on the path Shamiko choose herself? Does she try to teach Shamiko some of her magic? What if Lico engaged in some pranking that got out of hand and now is desperately trying to hide the truth from Shamiko and Momo by creating a fake villain?

AUs and ships

I don’t want any setting changes, but would very much enjoy other AU shenanigans. What if Sakura was still around and trying to play a matchmaker? What if something goes wrong when Shamiko dives into Momo’s dream and they end up bodyswapping? What if Momo also started working in the cafe? Time loop could be very fun for this fandom.

There are no other relationships I’d be interested in that come to my mind, but, as always, feel free to ask me through the mods about secondary pairings you may want to add to the story

REIGN OF SEVEN SPELLBALDES

I’m up to date with anime and read the first 3 volumes of manga.

Oliver Horn/Pete Reston

I just love how tropey “my roommate has magically changed gender and now I’m helping him keep it a secret” is. The moment I saw it I was sold. Especially, given that Oliver has plenty secrets of his own.

Also, the setting being just edgy Hogwart with swords is so good. I love how dangerous Kimberly is, and how well it captures the charm of magic with the madness of people who end up pursuing it too farm and the system that encourages them to do just that.

Oliver is teaching Pete swordfighting which is such a good opportunity for extra bodily contact with helping him adjust his stance and such. I’d love to see Pete getting distracted, while Oliver is just doing his best to be hundred percent professional teacher and try to ignore his feelings. Extra points for accidental sword-related double entendres.

I’d also love an exploraion on how much changes about their cohabitation. Pete mentions wanting to set a curtain, but is it the only change that happens? If there are other changes, what prompts them? Are some changes only applicable to when he’s a woman and get removed if he turns back to his original gender (since it’s mentioned that reversi can change between genders)? Are there situations where Oliver has to help Pete protect his secret? How does he go about it?

AUs and ships

I’d prefer no setting changes, I just really, really love the idea of Kimberly as this edgy take on Hogwart. Though as always I’d be open to canon divergences. Maybe Pete catches a hint of Oliver’s secret and tries to carefully figure out what’s going on. How would he react if he learned of his revenge? Would he try to stop Oliver?

I’m fine with mentions of Oliver’s fascination with Nanao (and Pete potentially feeling jealous of Oliver giving her attention), but I don’t want an outright love triangle

CROSSOVER FANDOMS

Mordred (Fate Series)/Stelle (Honkai: Star Rail)

I feel like those two would be just perfect for each other, both being artificial humans caught in schemes of other people and just trying to find their place in life as they go.

I’m fine both with the idea of Mordred becoming incarnated and joining the Express crew or Stelle summoning Mordred during Holy Grail War (or contracting her some other way). I’m fine both with using already existing Holy Grail War as a setting or creating a new one for purposes of the story. Also feel free to go as deep or as shallow with Fate lore as you want. I just want to see fun interactions between Stelle and Mordred, so I’m fine with whatever amount of worldbuilding works with you as a writer

I feel like those two would have amazing dynamic, quickly hitting it off and enabling each other. They’d also work really well as a battle duo, dishing out damage left and right. They’d be incredible Master and Servant duo or partners depending on which setting you chose. I would also love to see how they’d deal with the main thing that sets them apart—the fact that Mordred had already lived her life and made her mistakes, while Stelle is still trying to figure stuff out, not remembering her past and still being caught in other people’s schemes.

If you chose to focus on HSR setting I’m fine both with following already existing stories, or some original adventure. Maybe Stelle and Mordred decide to engage in some bounty hunting for some quick cash. Or they go sightseeing and end up wrapped into some kind of trouble.

I have some idea of pretty much all Fate series officially translated into English (I’ve only seen the OVA for Fate/Strange Fake, since I wanted to wait for anime adaptation, so if you want to use characters from it, please elaborate a bit more on who they are), but other than that I should be good for any existing Fate characters you want to use.

TOTAL FANTASY KNOCKOUT

I’m fine with story based on either anime or manga, I’m caught up with both.

Jinguuji Tsukasa/Tachibana Hinata

Childhood friends who are practically inseparable and strongly dependent on each other? That’s already perfect, but now throw into it a crazy goddess who isekais both of them, turns one of them into a girl, throws an unspecified curse, and forces those two to confront the fact that their feelings for each other might go beyond friendship? That’s beyond perfect. That’s galaxy brain and I want more of that mishmash of tropes.

I’m all about everyday interactions and weird rpg shenanigans they get into, so you can never go wrong with leaning into it. But for something else: What if at some point one of them got returned back to their original world? How would the other cope? Would they be able to establish communication between the two worlds? How would they go about reuniting?

I would love to see them taking their relationship a step further. I crave all the awkwardness that’s going to come with those two idiots trying to figure out how to admit their feelings to each other. And the inevitable defeat of any villains who get in the way of them having a moment. Will Jinguuji and Tachibana try to go on a date with a disasterous results? Will Jinguuji desperately try to find a dating manual in another world? And will they be able to enjoy a romantic moment without “CHARMED” status ruining it?

I also love the new development in manga with Love Goddess reappearing and messing things up even more. I’d absolutely love if you delved into those new changes!

Feel free to include any other characters, they are a colorful bunch. Though if you want a suggestion, I’m very partial to Schwartz and Shen

AUs and ships

I don’t want setting changes, though I would enjoy seeing a different spin on how those two dorks get isekaied and under what circumstances they end up inflicting the wrath of Goddess of Love. Or I would love an AU where the goddess doesn’t succeed in her first killing attempt, so she keeps trying to isekai Tachibana and Jinguuji keeps foiling her plans every time (or maybe he fails at some point?). What if the curse placed by the goddess manifests in some other ridiculous ways? What if Shwartz wormed his way into the protagonists’ party and third-wheeled like only he can?

Feel free to include any one-sided crushes from canon.

WORLD TRIGGER

I’m caught up with the manga, feel free to incorporate new developments. I love the wide scoop of this series and that it really feels like a realized world.

Something goes wrong on the Away Mission is a prompt applicable to all the relationships. The relationships don’t have to end happily, especially if the story is set on Aftokrator.

Hyuse/Jin Yuuichi

I love that Jin’s endearment towards Hyuse is equally proportional to Hyuse’s grudge towards him. However, at the same time they are extremely alike in their whole-hearted dedication to their respective homeplanets. Due to that any sort of romantic relationship between them would require them to compromise the values they hold dear.

Jin as Aftokrator’s prisoner of war, because the idea of a scenario opposite to what happned in the canon is really fascinating to me. How would Hyuse treat his captive? Would Jin be able to manipulate Aftokrator’s politics to his advantage through Hyuse?

For something closer to Earth, I would love to see any shenanigans connected to Hyuse having to tolerate Jin’s presence. Does he act petty in small ways? Does Jin use his foresight to sabotage Hyuse, escalating their conflict into a full out prank war? How badly do Jin's attempt at teaching Hyuse chores or human culture go?

Jin Yuuichi/Miwa Shuuji

Their relationship is so fascinating, given how differently they chose to deal with their trauma regarding losing someone important to them to Neighbors. I’d be fine with both a look into their relationship when Miwa was still very against Neighbors or now futher into the story when he has mellowed down a bit about it.

Some sort of mission goes wrong and they end up having to work together. Or maybe something happens deepening the divide between the Border’s factions making it more difficult for Jin and Miwa to reconcile their feelings for each other with what they believe in. Or Jin gets hurt/kidnapped and Miwa has to struggle with both his feelings and how difficult it is to protect people without Jin’s support

Hyuse/Miwa Shuuji

Two idiots coming from the opposite sides of conflict, having to overcome their strong nationalistic tendencies to meet somewhere in the middle and kiss.

I love the idea of Miwa monitoring Hyuse when he sees him in the Border, because he’s an enemy. What if Jin roped Miwa into helping mantain Hyuse’s cover story. What if they bonded over their shared dislike of Jin. I’d also love a scenario where Miwa squad didn’t know that Hyuse is a Neighbor and interacted with him normally (while Hyuse was under assumption that they obviously know and are just helping maintain his cover). What if Miwa was taking part in the away mission alongside Hyuse?

AUs and ships

I don’t want any setting changes, but I would be okay with any roleswaps. What if Jin was an Aftokrator’s Neighbor and Hyuse was an actual Canadian? Or maybe Hyuse was the friendly Neighbor that Mikumo meet at the beginning of the story. It would also be fun if teams were different. Or different characters’ having different side effects. Someone being caught in a timeloop during the Aftokrator’s invansion would be extremely interesting (or other interesting point in canon).

On top of my head the only extra pairing I’d be fine with would be Ema/Chika. Please inquire about other pairings through mods, there are just too many character’s for me to remember all the ships. I’d rather the requested characters didn’t end up in an outright love traingle, but I'm fine with acknowledging them potentially having feelings

FATE/GRAND ORDER

I’m only playing on NA server. Please don’t include spoilers for what happened on JP servers.

Okada Izou | Assassin/Sakamoto Ryouma | Rider

I love that the first we see of their relationship is Okada being absolutely pissed about Ryoma betraying him and leaving to die, and Ryoma being like “that’s fair”, and letting himself get stabbed because he has absolute confidence that Okada doesn’t actually want to kill him. If that’s not great ship material I don’t know what is.

I love how thin the line between Ryoma caring about Okada and manipulating him into doing what he wants is. And that Okada is aware of it, but at same time he’s completely unable to let go despite constantly proclaiming that he won’t get tricked again. And yet he gets tricked. Every. Single. Time.

I would love both some shenanigans in Chaldea, as well as a look into their lives before they became Heroic Spirits. I’m not very versed in history of Japan though, so while I’d love a more history based story please assume you are telling it to someone who needs a quick history lesson at the same time. For Chaldea shenanigans I would enjoy Okada picking up fight with everyone who catches his attention and then inevitably getting his ass kicked, because he’s used to being a big fish in small pond, while Ryoma tries to make sure he doesn’t kill himself in the process. Or helps him get along with other Heroic Spirits. I would love to see Okada being pacified with some food. Maybe discovering liking for a dish he had never tried before.

Inclusions of Oryou is welcome, and you are free to make it a threesome. Just please don’t forget to include some flirty Ryoma and Okada interactions.

Saitou Hajime | Saber/Yamanami Keisuke | Saber

What is with GudaGuda and introducing great m/m ships?! We will never know. But what I do know is that Saito being very protective of Yamanami all through the event really got to my shipper soul. Everyone was giving Yamanami shit about being the traitor and what did Saito do? Make sure that this time Yamanami wouldn’t be alone when traitoring and if it isn’t a basis for a ship, I don’t know what is.

I would love both some shenanigans in Chaldea, as well as a look into their lives before they became Heroic Spirits. I’m not very versed in history of Japan though, so while I’d love a more history based story please assume you are telling it to someone who needs a quick history lesson at the same time. I obviously don’t want any references to how Yamanami is going to join Chaldea in the future, but the fifth GudaGuda event already gives a pretty good idea about how he interacts with others. I’d enjoy seeing a Shinsengumi outing where they try to ease Yamanami into being a part of their group again and Saito quietly supporting it. But I would also love to see Yamanami reciprocating that kindness by seeing through Saito’s facade and being there when he needs it.

Amakusa Shirou Tokisada | Ruler/Semiramis | Assassin

I feel in love with this ship when watching Fate/Apocrypha and I’m living with all the content FGO is giving for them. Truly, Ancient Babylonian Ruler/Priest is a winning formula for Fate ships.

I love how much those two contrast, yet fit each other. And how well they understand both the virtues and vices of the other. I’d love to see valentine events after the first one where Semiramis got introduced. Are they similar, or does the way they celebrate change? Is there a return gift on White Day?

I greatly enjoy that Amakusa is pretty much a kindergarten caretaker who works himself to the bone when he isn’t the biggest Holy Grail craving menance to happen to Chaldea. I would enjoy seeing either side of him, whether it be Semiramis indirectly helping Amakusa regarding the children or foiling his attempts to get the Grails. I would also love any totally-not-dates involving those two.

~

General prompts for all the requested relationships: I’d love mission gone wrong. Maybe they Rayshift with Master (I’m fine with both male and female Master for this request) but end up stranded during the mission. Or they have to camp somewhere and it results in a lot of bickering. Or the characters unsuccessfully try to stealth.

AUs and ships

I don’t want setting AUs for this canon unless you want to explore alternate history takes, since that’s the type of content I’ll eat with a spoon.

Please inquire through mods if you want to include other ships, because there’s too many characters to consider

FATE/SAMURAI REMNANT

Zheng Chenggong/Zhou Yu | Archer

A Master and Servant duo that was gone too quickly. I'd love an alternate version of events where they stick around for longer (or even just snapshot of what if Zhou Yu survived for longer).

I'd also ve very okay with some look into their lives during the Waxing Moon Ritual. They had a very interesting relationship of mutual respect and I'm kinda interested in seeing how it would reflect on them becoming even closer

Miyamoto Musashi | Berserker & Zheng Chenggong

Miyamoto Musashi | Berserker/Zheng Chenggong

Since the game was hinting very strongly that Musashi's Master might get eliminated early (or resign from Holy Grail War to protect her life) I started speculating that maybe she and Chenggong would end up working together as a Master and Servant duo since they had a lot of interactions together. It didn't happen, but I kinda want to see that version of events now, where after losing Archer, Chenggong ends up contracting Musashi who became Masterless. Fell very free to combine this prompt with my Archer/Chenggong request, and have Chenggong internally suffer because he formed a contract with different Servant.

Alternatively I'm fine with more canon typical shenanigans. Plans going astray because Musashi keeps rushing forward. Or a patrol that ends up with her getting distracted by shops or events. Those two had such fun interactions with Chenggong trying to be tactical, but always getting caught in Musashi's chaotic tempo.

Or maybe Musashi visits Chenggong to cheer him up after he lost Archer, because she would never pass an opportunity for drinking. And if she cheers him up while she's getting plastered then all the better.

AUs and ships

Feel free to go wild with swapping Servants, putting in different ones, or changing the course of the Waxing Moon Ritual. I'd rather the majority of the main Servants were still Japanese, since I liked the theme, but you don't have to stick to it for stray Servants. I also feel like my timeloop like would be very relevant here with Chenggong potentially trying to find a way to have Archer survive the loop or maybe he just gives up and tries to make the most of that final neverending day they have together

I lowkey ship Iori/Saber (but don't let that stop you from potentially yeeting Saber out for some fun alternatives if you do go for Servantswaps). Also for Saber I'd prefer they/them pronouns in general, but if a character canonically addresses Saber with a specific pronoun then please stick to it

THE WEAKEST TAMER BEGAN A JOURNEY TO PICK UP TRASH

Ivy & Oguto

I really loved the relationship between those two and kinda hoped that Ivy would stay longer in Latome. Which is why I'm hoping to read some more about Ivy and Oguto

I'm always up for Oguto protecting Ivy. Maybe someone from Latomi comes and tries to take Ivy away and Oguto steps in to stop them. Or there's some other trouble that Ivy gets dragged into

I'd also love if someone noticed Adandara again, which resulted in more attempts to hunt her, while Ivy was desperately, but subtly trying to discourage Oguto from searching. On that note I love both Adandara and Sora, and would be very happy to see them included.

If you go for a story where Ivy stays for a longer time at Latome I'd be excited to see her finally trusting Oguto with her secrets.

AUs and ships

I'd prefer no setting changes. Though I would be very okay with an AU where Ivy stays for a few years in Latome with Oguto. I don't necessarily want her to give up her dream of travelling, but I think that waiting until she's at least a bit older would be a good compromise. I would also be very okay with Oguto adopting Ivy if she does decide to stay for a longer time in the village. I assume it would initially happen for legal reasons (like making sure she can't be forced to return to Latomi), but Oguto would quickly decide to become an actual parent to her

I lowkey ship Oguto and Verivera

[dani474]

I watched Haikyuu finally. I finished Season 1 on [07/16/23] and the last season on [07/19/23].

I absolutely loved this series, and while I already knew that from having read the manga previously (2021 reread), I had never watched it, and this just brought forth that love again.

I deeply enjoyed watching the animations of the characters and the matches, it really gave them life, and it was nice to hear everyone's voices. I watched seasons 1-3 in Animelon and used English and Japanese subtitles, but watched season 4 (To The Top) on a zoro.to equivalent website with only English subtitles. The animation quality in the second part of season 4 was a bit wonky at times, but looked very good during up close frames.

When I first watched it, I was excited to see the Shiratorizawa match, but I have to say that my absolute favorite match was Karasuno v. Inarizaki. It was super long and super intense the entire way through, but I had so much fun. I had to try not to scream at all of the character moments we got to see.

This is one of my favorite manga/anime series (both are great), with fun and realistic characters, great development for quite a few of them, a variety of personalities, and great volleyball matches. I think this one is a 10/10 for me. It may not be technically  perfect, it may not develop all characters equally, and it may have very obvious teenage boy humor, but it's genuinely good, and the flaws don't detract from its story, as they're not distractingly obvious, in my opinion.

Some of my favorite details from this series would have to be: getting to see into the philosophies of other teams, and the concept of having a "moment", which is introduced during the [Tokyo Expedition Arc] and carries out in real time canon (as in not during a flashback), twice.

My favorite character Arc would have to be Tsukishima's, then Hinata's, in very different ways.

I loved watching Tsukishima question why it mattered so much, and how Bokuto's words stuck with him so clearly.

I loved watching him slowly becomes more entrenched in the sport, taking it more seriously and taking the time to put his effort into training a bit more, asking questions, and even guiding his teammates during matches with his observations. I love how strongly he felt about being pulled from the Shiratorizawa match, and I loved seeing his "moment", and how he couldn't ever go back.

It was genuinely an incredible thing to witness, and I love how that moment stays with him, until he's fighting to win the Inarizaki match with every once of strength and reflex he has, connecting with his team fully.

And I think I really enjoyed watching him become friends with the other first years too, especially Hinata. I felt he truly understood Hinata after he crashed the Shiratorizawa Youth Training Camp, and trusted him during the Inarizaki match.

His quiet moment of realization after the match, where Bokuto's words and his own understanding of what they really meant surfaces again, as he sees that in another person. I just genuinely love it so much.

And I love Hinata's development, not as his perspective develops (because he was already pretty set, let's be honest), but obviously because of his growth as a player. I love how at first that growth is immature, but quickly becomes more and more intensive and thought focused. He learns from others, constantly challenges himself and others, and then reaches a point where his hunger is greedy and intrusive, forcing him to redirect how he learns and views the court. That experience led him to truly learn how volleyball functions as an entire court, rather than just as a wing spiker, and his ability to not only understand the behaviors of others, but to mimic and retain them alongside his quick reflexes created that "moment" for him later on.

I could see that entire process in motion and it was awesome. I think it's a fun parallel to Tsukishima, as they came from very different places but still develop a strange admiration and understanding, while retaining everything that made them. I just love it.

And yeah, I really liked Kageyama's development too. I think it was very realistic in how he slipped back into bad habits after the All-Japan Youth Camp, but also was quick to recognize that he might be doing so, despite his criticisms being necessary to communicate to his team. We can see how deeply that match in junior high cuts him, and I love that he's with a team that allows him to grow from that, without being left alone. Hinata shows him this in the most obvious, simple way, but the entire team steps into that and it results in a Karasuno that functions much more like a unit.

I just, genuinely love this series and enjoyed the entire process.

[knife-moth-mc]

With the music asks, I'd like to ask prompts: 1, 3, 11, 19, 23, 26, and 30!

1:A song you like with a color in the title

3:A song that reminds you of summertime

11:A song that you never get tired of

19:A song that makes you think about life

23:A song that you think everybody should listen to

26:A song that makes you want to fall in love

30:A song that reminds you of yourself

1: It's All Over Now, Baby Blue by Bob Dylan, but specifically this version. I haven't formally posted my Haven music playlists anywhere (I will do that.... soon......) but this is one of the first songs on the arc 1 playlist. You can think of it as Anathema and C!Moth's meetcute song : P

3: The Beast of Pirate's Bay by Voltaire. A girl I went to summer camp with... gosh, at least a decade ago now--taught it to all of us since we didn't have access to music that wasn't us singing. I also learned about Homestuck and bisexuality from her, so, you know, pretty much all the good parts of my life I found originally through meeting her that summer. Wiki, if you're still out there, thank you.

11: I could be wrong, because I haven't known it that long, but I think I'm going to go with Blacksoul by Onya. I could say more about it but honestly just listen to it. It's beautiful.

19: God Fearing, Sea Faring Man by The Accidentals. I listened to the album this is from a lot back when I first stumbled onto it, and while I think the band has now largely disavowed it it remains very deep in my heart. This specific song has stuck with me especially, I think because there's a kind of... the word that's coming to mind is grace, it feels like there's a kind of grace to this song. It feels like a moment of clarity. If I had to claim the meaning of life was buried in any one song, I would pick this one.

23: I'm going to cheat here and say an artist, because so far as I know they only ever released a handful of songs, most or all of which I try to link people to every so often because they're not otherwise available. I'm talking about superedge, who was a fanmusician back in 2015 or so. I hope they're still creating somewhere, but they've left behind some of my favorite songs in the world and I'm grateful that I happened to find them when I did.

26: Ben Caplan's cover of Lovers' Waltz by A. A. Bondy. The original is also solid but something about Ben Caplan's version really particularly speaks to me. I think according to the lyrics this song is actually about dying together? Which makes this a weird choice I guess but it feels in a way comforting, and I think fits the prompt better, because I have lots of people I love! I don't need a generic love song! But this song feels deeper and more permanent, in a way that's at least as appealing as it is scary.

30: You know, I have a whole collection of books that are me; you'd think I'd have a collection of songs that are me. But I don't. I think I have a tendency to shift songs from me to my (or others') characters, or to strongly associate songs with the circumstances under which I first listened to them. I've been combing through my library trying to think of anything and I could make some cases but most of them are weak. So I'm going somewhere very personal and emotional, and I trust you'll understand.

When I was 17, I was in a really bad place. It was, I think, the worst year of my life bar none. I'll spare you the details, but one day after a really intense couple of weeks, I played nice until I was given back my ipod. The moment it was in my hands, I grabbed my bike and fled to the library. I cried the whole way there, and I listened to this song, The Bust from The New Albion Radio Hour by Paul Shapera. This wasn't the song I came to identify with at the time--that would be The Wasteland, from the same album--but to this day, I can't listen to it without remembering that scared teenager.