#a bit of a poetry dump?

[helenaredamancy]

august of another summer, and once again

the pond by mary oliver // nothing twice by wislawa szymborska // late august by margaret atwood // august by alex dimitrov // paradoxes and oxymorons by john ashbery // again august by haley mlotek //

[the-lights-are-loud]

Unimportant Person

Unimportant words from unimportant people

Same problems, different days

Listening

I thought listening works

I thought that talking it out helped

But all it's done

is make you think you can dump everything on me

And make me hate talking to you

Unimportant thoughts from unimportant people

Every day, the same problems

I don't want to be disinterested

I want to be there for you

But you make me feel so powerless

And I'll never be able to save you

Unimportant person

Unimportant view

Unimportant words that I can say to you

Nothing matters

What's the point?

Because I'm an unimportant person

With unimportant words

With an unimportant will

and

unable

to

save

you.

Masterlist

[amiablesummer]

i. everything that is gone must return somewhere

[thriveonanonymity]

[reealepu]

Diary Dump #2: August 14th, 2022

The dampness inside,

A quiescent abyss.

Teeth screeching - the dust

Stinging, burning within.

Its hot, sticky limbs

Wrapped around skin.

A brief death of the mind,

The slumber of the soul.

SUMMER

[thoughts-and-poems-and-stuff]

Untitled 41.

My sister is wearing my blue adidas shirt.

it fits like it was made for her just like everything else does

Even my parents love looks better on her,

it hangs off her like my blue adidas shirt

It suffocates me and squeezes me too tight,

even though its meant to fit it just doesn’t.

maybe i need to work out or maybe i was just made to fit wrong.

why cant i breathe the way she breathes?

[linnie-loves]

A great many of the people I love often have the gall to presume they are a burden to me. That they are work, rotten work at the that. I go out of my way, always, to make it clear that I do not do rotten work.

They say, "I'm sorry you have to deal with me,"

And I tell them that I don't 'deal' with anything.

They ask, "How do you put up with me?"

And I tell them that I don't put up with anything or anyone.

They say, "You hate me, I just know it."

And I tell them that I will never hide or mask my anger, or my frustrations.

I do not hate them, and will never love or care for them of some misguided obligation.

"I've certainly fulfilled those obligations, if there ever were any," I tell them. "Enough to last a lifetime," I tell them. "Enough that I could not any longer," I tell them.

They do not believe me.

I tell them that I defend myself righteously, and that they could not 'force' me to love them if they tried.

They do not believe me. They think whatever festers in them is stronger.

I tell them that I could not carry the weight of the world even if I wanted to (and I do not want to), that they could not possibly be a burden on my shoulders. (I do not tell them that my shoulders would crack and break and I would shatter if they ever carried anything again.)

They believe that I cannot carry their weight.

I tell them I don't carry their weight, and I don't want them to carry mine.

I tell them that all I want is for us to stand next to each other.

I beg them to stand next to me. To spare me the suffering, please, just this once.

They say, "You'd be better off without me."

The first time, I tell them "No, I wouldn't."

The second time, I tell them very much the same thing.

The third time, I tell them very much the same thing.

The tenth time, I tell them very much the same thing.

The twentieth time, I tell them it is not their decision to make.

The twenty fifth time, I tell them it is not their decision to make, and that it hurts me when they say it.

When they imply that I am not strong.

When they accuse me of loving them in a false way.

They say again, "So, you'd be better off without me."

And it hurts all the more. And then the work is rotten.

They say again, "I'm terrible, you'd be better off without me."

And I agree. And it ends. And I gather up my shrapnel shoulders. And I continue loving them. And hating them.

I continue hating that I love them, even now.

I tell the people I love that I do not do rotten work, because rot spreads, and even now I am rotting from the inside out.

I tell the people I love that my shoulders hurt. I do not tell them that they are held together with stickers and tape.

I tell people I love that I do not love them falsely. I do not tell them that I couldn't.

I tell the people I love that I do not care unintentionally. And I do not.

I tell the people I love that I choose to love them. And I do.

Very often they do not believe me. Very often it hurts that they do not believe me.

I tell myself that they do not mean to hurt me. I tell myself that they love me.

I tell myself that I am not a burden.

And when I am alone, filling my shoulder with plaster and gum, it hurts that I do not believe it myself.

[tgcg]

ill break your shit adam

warning for adult lang

fuck you adam sandler

youre lucky karkat likes you

stupid fuck sees an amnesiac girl

and asks her can i marry you

that lady got issues mentally

you still down to do shit anally

deplorable zit on the ass of romanza

karkat told me to put that shit in this stanza

do raps even count as having stanzas

slam poetry tyke at preschool im no manza

youd probably jack it to a log with holes if they were wet ones

sitting on that stupid dock with her papa cracking cold ones

piece of shit id push you off that dock and watch you bubbling

kick your ass like her shitty bro failed when you were troubling

penguins dont quack like fucking ducks you dumbass

thats not part of the rap i just think that youre a dumbass

back to the rap sandler i bet you couldnt drop a single bar

too busy picking up stupid women at the stupid women bar

who even let you into hawaii

also did i say karkat liked you i was kidding he wants to kick your heinie

seriously watching that shit again made him start slamming his head into the cushions and screaming i had to pry them out his hands and he almost bit me

sorry i forgot i was rapping again

piece of shit forgot that you can like women while dating other men

still not over that chuck and larry shit adam

if you just said to the gov you were bi you coulda had em

firefighter of the year? well try putting out this heat

karkats gonna beat your ass like you do every night to your meat

gotta ask is this shit wish fulfilment for you

gotta say larry deserved better than you

i could treat him way better than you not in a gay way though

i just mean youre a massive sleaze basically the worlds shittiest bro

back to 50 first dates man sandler your shit is a bore

the stupid bits with schneider got my ass addicted to snore

if i was that stupid walrus id tear your ass to shreds

if i was that penguin i would also tear your ass to shreds

itd be harder but id still do it

bro fuck adam sandler im through it

===

TT: Wow. Bravo, Dave. You've outdone yourself.

TG: i wrote this one exceptionally fucking terrible to represent my inner darkness

TG: i can never unwatch those cinematic fossilized turds theyre like time capsules devoted to everything wrong with america

TG: you dont even understand how egregious that was

TT: I can sense the utter malaise and contempt in every word. It's beautiful.

TT: One particularly interesting point I'd like to make is the fact that you managed to refer to butts in a song about a male target, 10 times in the span of 37 lines. It's not an exorbitant amount, but it appears to be a running theme in your works. Very interesting, if you ask me --

TG: nooooo

TG: nope no

TG: not this shit again

TG: listen one of them is karkats fault

===

CG: ROSE, YOU JUST DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND WHAT HE'S DOING HERE AT ALL.

TT: No? Please, enlighten me Karkat.

CG: GLADLY.

CG: HE STARTS OUT WITH THE FRIGGIN WORD "ANAL" PRECEDING ALL OF THE OTHER MENTIONS, OF COURSE IT'S ON PURPOSE. IT INSTILLS THAT IMAGERY IN YOUR NUGBONE THROUGHOUT THE TRACK.

CG: AND YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED A RECURRING USE OF THE WORD "SHIT", IN TANDEM. BOG-STANDARD FOR DAVE, RIGHT? NO! IT'S PART OF THE EFFECT!

CG: MY THESIS: ADAM SANDLER MOVIES ARE PIECES OF ABSOLUTE SHIT AND THE REFERENCES TO WORDS LIKE "LOG" AND "SHIT" AND "ASS" ARE TO INVOKE THE SENSE OF TAKING A MASSIVE DUMP THROUGHOUT THE SPAN OF THE RAP, WHICH BY ALL MEANS WOULD BE AN EQUAL OR GREATER USE OF YOUR TIME THAN WATCHING THOSE MOVIES.

CG: RIGHT, DAVE?

TG: … yeah

TT: Okay, I'm willing to concede to that. On this subject matter, as an avid terrible movie enjoyer, you admittedly know better than myself.

CG: SHOULD KNOW BETTER.

TT: And you love them anyways.

CG: YEAH.

TG: hes right

TG: you hear that shit hes right

TG: fuck death of the author im verifying that interpretation

[sidekick-hero]

I can't stop thinking of Eddie as Cyrano de Bergerac.

He's in the drama club, he's known for his way with words, his ability to bring whole worlds to life with them. Few people know that he also writes poetry, poems about love and loss, society and justice, whatever comes to his mind. Many of them are about a mysterious person with gold-flecked eyes and autumn hair, constellations on his skin, and the sun in his heart.

Eddie guards his notebook full of poems like a dragon guards his hoard of gold. And yet.

And yet Susie Bowers finds it where it fell out of his pocket when that asshole Tommy Hagan pushed him against the lockers. She reads it and realizes how devastatingly beautiful Eddie's words are.

It makes her think… think about her crush on Steve Harrington, the fallen king who is still the most eligible bachelor at Hawkins High. Especially since he refuses to just take girls home to fuck them. No, he wants to date. He wants to fall in love. It's catnip for everyone, but at the same time so frustrating because no girl has managed to catch his eye yet.

Maybe this little notebook is her ticket to a relationship with Steve Harrington.

She approaches Eddie and shows him the notebook, pulling it out of his reach as he attempts to grab it. She offers him a deal: she won't spread copies of all his cute little writings all over the school, exposing his deepest secrets for everyone to see and ridicule. In exchange, Eddie will help her sweet-talk Steve Harrington.

Eddie agrees and writes love letters to the boy he's been in love with ever since he found him drunk and depressed on the side of the road after his girlfriend dumped him. He had taken him home, listened to him ramble on about what he had done wrong, why no one would want to love him, and then put Steve to bed and watched him sleep until morning to make sure he was okay.

He left before Steve woke up, and the next time they saw each other at school, Steve didn't even look at him. It had broken his heart and inspired most of his poems, because nothing inspires like heartbreak.

And now Eddie can tell Steve all the things he thinks and feels about him - just to make it seem like it's written by Susie.

It seems to work, because Steve replies to her letters. His replies are simpler, less lyrical, but just as earnest. His words are sweet, and he's funny and thoughtful.

He's everything Eddie knew he was going to be. And Susie couldn't care less, she just wants to go out with him, have him take her home, have everyone know that she's Steve Harrington's girlfriend.

They go out. After a dozen letters, he gives in and asks her out.

Eddie cries himself to sleep that night.

Someone knocks on his bedroom window. Confused and a bit nervous, because he doesn't have only friends in this town, far from it, he goes to open it.

And finds Steve Harrington standing right outside his window.

"What -"

"Did you mean them?" Steve asks and he can't tell from his tone what he's thinking.

"What?"

"Your letters, did you mean what you wrote or did you just write down what you thought I wanted to hear so I'd go out with Susie?"

His tone doesn't really change, but Eddie can see his eyes shining in the dim light coming from his bedroom. He looks upset, and Eddie wants to fix it, but he doesn't know what answer would do that.

So he chooses the truth. "Yes. I meant every single word I wrote in those letters."

"Then why didn't you send them under your own name?" When did Steve get so close? And why is the window sill digging into his stomach?

At Steve's question, Eddie can't help but laugh bitterly. "Did you look at me, Steve? I'm the town freak! A fuckup. Trailer trash. A small-time drug dealer who failed his senior year. Why would anybody - why would you want to get love letters from me?"

Steve nods, not saying a word as he turns and walks away. And okay, he deserves it, he guesses. Hanging his head in defeat, he shuffles away from the window and face plants on his bed, letting fresh tears fall from his eyes.

Until there's another knock, this time at his front door.

He's out of bed in record time, almost breaking his neck in his haste to get to the door. It can't be - it's impossible that this is -

Steve is standing on his front porch, looking devastatingly handsome in his light-washed Levi's and red sweater. His date outfit.

He walks up to him before Eddie can say anything and cups his cheek.

"I've been looking at you, Eddie. All I've done since the night you brought me home and listened to me and took care of me, I've been looking at you. Looking and waiting. Hoping. Wanting you to give me a sign, any sign, that it wasn't just chivalry that made you do this, but the fact that you cared. About me. But you never did."

"Steve," Eddie whispers, but Steve isn't finished.

"And then I get these letters, and all the words, they sound like you. I couldn't be sure, not until I read the line, 'You deserve someone who wants to love you, all of you, the good and the bad and everything in between. I want to be that person. I want to love you.' You're the only one I've ever said that to. I knew it had to be you."

"But why? Why go out with Susie?"

"Because I had to be absolutely sure that it wasn't Susie. And after ten minutes with her, I was. I drove around until I couldn't… I had to talk to you. To see if you mean it. If you want to love me."

Eddie kisses him.

There's nothing else on his mind but the need to finally kiss the boy he's been in love with for almost a year.

Steve kisses him back, soft, tender, then deeper, dirtier.

When they pull apart, both gasping, Eddie leans in closer because his next words are meant for him and Steve and no one else.

"I want to love you long after my body crumbles to dust and my soul finds yours in the afterlife. I want to love you as the ocean does the moon, forever bound, forever following its call, until the end of time."

[kiemiu]

──── STURNIOLO ROMANCE TROPE DUMP PT. 1 ˎˊ˗

synopsis this is honestly just a few cute romance ideas that i've thought of and would love to see implemented into some sturniolo fics :> these are completely free for taking just provide credit if you happen to get inspired! <3

001. 7 days | pathetic!chris sturniolo x brat!reader | the pursuit trope |

all chris wants is 7 days to prove to you that he can be the man for you. and if that means spending all the money on his card or embarrassing himself in the process, he'll gladly do whatever it takes to get you to fall in love with him.

002. unfortunate events | matt sturniolo x reader | soulmate trope |

you and matt can't seem to stay away from each other. always bumping into each other in the most unfortunate ways. accidentally spilling coffee on you before a job interview, him nearly running over you on one of your morning jogs, getting trapped in an elevator together, crashing into each other while riding bikes,, you think this is all just unlucky coincidences but what if he's actually seeking you out with the worst approach?

003. he's all that | outcast!chris sturniolo x popular!reader | makeover magic trope |

your biggest challenge yet relied in the form of chris sturniolo. obnoxious, loud, and a bit gross, he was everything you found icky about boys despite dating the biggest asshole on campus. with prom only being a few weeks away, will you be able to transform him into everyone's dream guy while simultaneously falling in love, or will you fail?

004. kiss me already! | student council!matt sturniolo x cheerleader!reader | grump x sunshine trope |

you, the pretty, popular, cheerleader suddenly interested in him—the nerdy, uptight, student council president? matt doesn't understand your sudden obsession with him, and frankly isn't very fond of it. yet, his constant disdain for you doesn't stop you from asking him out on dates and flirting with him, will his insecurities stop him from pursuing you, or will he finally fall into your charms?

005. love letter | jock!chris sturniolo x nerd!reader | secret admirer trope |

chris has a hard time expressing his feelings verbally, so he resorts to writing poetry. the depth of his work only increasing when he finds a muse. you're quiet, shy, always having your nose in a book, and completely in tune to your own world. nothing like him, yet he wants you so badly. afraid of his friends making fun of him, he decides to keep his poetry a secret, and his identity hidden from the heartfelt letters he leaves in your locker.

006. glass onion | matt sturniolo x reader | forced proximity trope |

the two of you, complete strangers to each other, decide to bind together after a series of tragic murders occur at the fancy resort you're both staying at. the killer is still at large, and could possibly be the man you're partnering up with...

007. secret potion | gryffindor!chris sturniolo x hufflepuff!reader | hogwarts au |

on the cusp of losing the girl he's hopelessly in love with, chris creates a love potion to lure you back into his arms.

008. somebody else | townie!matt x rich!reader | forbidden love trope |

his parents hate yours, and your parents hate his. growing up with a high profile lifestyle and always being in the public eye for one thing or the other, your parents had laid out very strict ground rules for you to follow. the main one being stay away from the sturniolo's. but you were never one to follow rules.

009. p power | playboy!chris sturniolo x playgirl!reader | enemies to lovers + fake dating trope |

chris has to convince his parents he's officially settled down to avoid being forced into a marriage with a woman he doesn't want. to keep playing the field and get his parents off of his case, he decides to make up a fake girlfriend. and who better to use as a scapegoat than one of his old hookups?

010. mine all mine | nerd!matt sturniolo x nerd!reader | friends to lovers trope |

it's obvious to anyone with two eyes that you and matt have feelings for each other, you're both just too shy to take it a step further. with the help from his friends, will he finally confess his feelings to you before it's too late, or will another guy swoop in and take you?

[witchygirlgray333]

Some journal prompts I like (writing and creative) :

I’m going to do a separate list for some chronic illness journal ideas bc I’ve found it’s so helpful!

Write out the lyrics to your favourite song and/or do a drawing / painting / collage of your interpretation of the song

Books you want to read

Films you want to watch

Diary entry about your day

Bujo style - plan out your week or month

Pressed flowers

Scripting (manifestation)

Vision board (manifestation)

Notes on a topic you’re learning about (for example I like to watch lots of nature or history documentaries and sometimes I make notes on them in my journal or if it’s witchy stuff I write it in my grimoire)

Letter to past you / future you / someone in your life (remember they don’t have to read it, this has helped me so much in certain situations so I can get out whatever I want to say without upsetting people) / someone you love who has passed on / the god or deity you worship if you worship one / to your future children / future partner

Wishlist

Ideas for things (like stories you want to write, photo shoots, fashion, films, art etc)

Poetry (either that you’ve written or that someone else has written that you like)

Get to know me page so if you want to look back on your journal in the future you can see what you were like then

Films you’ve watched / books you’ve read / favourite songs from the past month

Positive affirmations

Shadow work

Sticker / photo dump

Recipes

Go sit in nature and draw or write about what you see or feel when you’re there

Draw out your alter ego

Stick in scraps from throughout your day (such as receipts, labels from things, stickers, pictures etc)

Book reviews

To do lists

Design your dream room

Your childhood (draw or write about childhood memories, hobbies, things you used to collect, stick in childhood photos, the toys you used to play with etc)

Travel bucket list

Life bucket list

Family tree

Write a list of things that make you happy

Stream of consciousness

Write about your dreams and what you think they might mean

Brain dump (I sometimes do this before I go to sleep if somethings going on)

Doodle page

Stick in notes your loved ones have written to you

List of favourite quotes

Self care ideas

List of songs / playlist

Goals in life / 5 year plan

Plan a day out or a holiday

Plan content you want to make for social media

Tattoos you want to get

Things that make you happy

Outfit ideas

Hobbies you currently have

Hobbies you want to try

List of things you collect

Yoga / exercise routine

Seasonal bucket lists

Things you want to learn or research

Mood tracker

Stick in any colouring pages you’ve done

Daily skincare routine

List of Studio Ghibli films and tick off the ones you’ve watched

List of your favourite things

List of things to do when you’re bored

If you normally write about your day, draw pictures of all the things you did instead of writing (a bit like in a comic book)

Advice people have given you that has been really helpful

Ideal morning / night routine

Notes from therapy / hospital appointments

Page of all your cinema tickets

List of people that inspire you

Angel numbers

Crystals and their meanings

Your favourite artists

Worry tree

Favourite memories

Write your dream wardrobe

Reasons to stay alive

Stick in photos and write a bit about them

Names you like

Favourite words

Write about an event (a description of what happened, how it left you feeling, who was there and what they said and did, what you wish had happened instead, the reasons why you find it hard to let go, steps you could take to start to move on)

Notes on a language you’re learning

Collage about a film you’ve recently watched

Glow up check list

Write about a tarot reading you did

What does heaven and hell mean to you

Flip through a magazine and do a collage of pictures from it

[pompomqt]

Journey to the West Chapter 64

Welcome back to this week's chapter of Journey to the West with @journeythroughjourneytothewest. This week Tripitaka gets what is probably his nicest kidnapping to date. So let's get into it shall we?

The pilgrims are continuing on their journey, but first they have some dead weight to dump. Turns out that the monks they rescued are so grateful to them, that they want to tag along on their journey. Monkey however, already has his hands full protecting one monk, and doesn't want anymore. So he transforms some of his hairs into tigers, to scare the monks off, so they can continue unimpeded.

Now that there is only one squishy mortal that they need to worry about, the group continues on their journey until they find their path blocked by brambles. Pigsy offers to clear the path for them, but Tripitaka is worried that Pigsy wouldn't be able to keep it up indefinitely, so he has Monkey check just how far this bramble will last. Monkey takes a look and reports back that he can't see the end of it, which means that it must be at least a thousand miles long. Sandy suggests that they try the whole slash and burn technique for clearing the bramble, but Pigsy points out that it's not the right season for the bramble to catch fire easily- and Monkey never a big fan of fire points out that they wouldn't be able to control the fire if it got out of hand anyways.

In the end they really do end up having to rely on Pigsy to get the job done. Helped along by the fact that he uses his transformation ability to grow to 200 feet tall, with his weapon to match. This works, and the group is able to continue on with Pigsy taking the lead to clear their path. They travel like this until they find their way to a small clearing with an old shrine. Monkey says that this place is no good, and that they should probably just get a move on. Sandy has barely enough time to ask Monkey if he is perhaps a bit to paranoid, when the door to the shrine opens to reveal a suspicious old man.

This suspicious old man even has a demon attendant, and claims to be the local spirit of Bramble Ridge, and is here to offer them some not at all suspicious steamed cakes. Pigsy of course has no problem accepting food from suspicious strangers, but before he can eat anything, Monkey yells that he's evil and goes in for the kill. Unfortunately since it's been to long since Tripitaka's last kidnapping, the old man turns into a gust of wind before Monkey can kill him and sweeps Tripitaka away to places currently unknown.

This chapter is a bit different from most others, since instead of sticking with Monkey and the gangs POV while they try and rescue Tripitaka, we actually get to hang out with Tripitaka and his POV for this particular kidnapping. And that's because, instead of being hogtied and tossed in a corner of a cave to wait to be eaten like usual, the old man actually brings him to a nice little house. The old man sets him down and introduces himself as Squire Eight and Ten, and says that he brought Tripitaka here to have a leisurely night talking about poetry with him and a few friends. Which 10/10 this is easily the nicest kidnapping Tripitaka has ever had. Squire Eight and Ten then introduces his friends to Tripitaka, who are 'Squire Lonesome Rectitude, Master Void-Surmounting, Cloud-Brushing Dean and Knotty Virtue and they are all tree spirits.

Even though all these immortals are already more then one thousand years old, they are all interested in Tripitaka and his teachings. We also learn that Tripitaka is currently forty years old- which is a bit older then I thought he was, since I was kind of just assuming he was still somewhere in his thirties. Anyways, Tripitaka is more then happy to share some Buddhist wisdom with all of them, and the immortals are more then happy to receive it. Which I would also be starved for entertainment if I were a tree.

After they talk outside for a while, they finally invite Tripitaka inside for some tea, snacks and poetry. It seems that Tripitaka still hasn't dropped his guard completely though, since he waits for the immortals to eat before trying it for himself. After they are done eating, they start a fun poetry game, where one of them creates a line of poetry, and then they have everyone add a line to it to make a completed poem. After that, they move on and has everyone make a completed poem on their own, with Tripitaka going first.

After everyone creates a poem, Tripitaka tries to broach the subject of going back to his disciples now, preferably before they burn down the mountain looking for him. The others just brush his concern aside however, and tell him to just stay the night and that they'll let him go back in the morning.

Just then, someone new shows up, an pretty immortal girl named Apricot Immortal, and two maiden attendants. The other immortals ask what brings her here, and she says that she heard from the grapevine that they were entertaining an interesting guest, so she came to meet him. Tripitaka greets her politely by bowing, but as always when faced with a suspicious pretty girl, seems to nervous to actually talk to her. Regardless of that, the girl still calls for more tea, and hands Tripitaka his cup personally. After they all settle in for tea time, the men give the girl the recount of the previous poems, and the girl shares one of her own with them.

Despite Tripitaka's silence, Apricot Immortal continues to try and cozy up with Tripitaka, and receives encouragement from the other immortals. The immortals gladly say that they will be witnesses to Tripitaka and Apricot Immortal's wedding, if Tripitaka wants to get it on with her without soiling her virtue. This angers Tripitaka into breaking his silence- I guess he should have known that just having one good day without a terrible catch was to much to ask for. Anyways he yells at them for trying to seduce him, while they still try and insist that Apricot Immortal is a perfect match for him.

As the immortals continue to try and pressure him, Tripitaka quietly wonders if his disciples are looking for him with tears rolling down his cheeks. The girl tries to comfort him, which has the opposite effect and has Tripitaka bolting for the door, only for the immortals to tackle him. Luckily before things can get worse for Tripitaka, his disciples finally arrive, having traveled the entire Bramble Ridge throughout the night looking for him. As soon as Tripitaka yells for Wukong to save him, all the immortals and their attendants suddenly vanish.

Tripitaka gives his disciples the run down of the night he had, when his disciples ask what their names were, and where they vanished to, Tripitaka tells them their names, and brings them to the shrine he spent the night in. There they see that there is a large Juniper tree, cypress tree, pine tree, some bamboo, a maple tree, and an apricot tree, flanked by a winter plum and cassia plants. These various plants are the identities of the immortals the Tripitaka spent his night with. When Pigsy learns that these tree's are the immortals that harassed Tripitaka all night, it's Pigsy's turn to violate tree law, as he uses his rake to uproot all the tree's. When he does this blood spirts out, and Tripitaka tries to stop him, saying that they didn't really do him any harm. However Monkey says that although they didn't harm him now, they might grow into problems in the future and hurt people later. And with that, Pigsy finishes killing the tree's, before they load Tripitaka back onto his horse to continue their Journey to the West.

Current Sun Wukong Stats: Names/Titles: Monkey, The Stone Monkey, The Handsome Monkey King, Sun Wukong (Monkey awakened to the void), Bimawen (Banhorseplague), The Great Sage Equal To Heaven and Pilgrim Sun. Immortality: 5 + 94,000 years Weapon: The Compliant Golden Hooped Rod Abilities: 72 Transformations, Cloud-Somersault, Ability to transform his individual hairs, super strength, Ability to Summon Wind, Water restriction charm, and the ability to change into a huge war form, ability to duplicate his staff, ability to immobilize others, the ability to put others to sleep, and the Fiery eyes and Diamond Pupils, intimidating horses, churning large bodies of water, sleeplessness, seizing the wind, enhanced smell, discerning good and evil within a thousand miles, Spirit Summoning, lock picking, object transformation, distance reduction, vanishing in a flash of light, super healing, transforming others, Invisibility, and Wind Immunity Demon Kill Count: 11 + Unknown Number of Minions Human Kill Count: 1039 God's Defeated: 23 + Unknown number Defeats: 7 Crime List: Robbery, Murder, Mass Murder, Arson, Theft, Coercion, Threatening a Government Official, Resisting Arrest, Assault, Forgery, Employee Theft, False Imprisonment, Impersonating a Government Official, Treason, attempted murder, failure to control or report a dangerous fire, desecrating a corpse, breaking and entering, trespassing, violating Tree Law, looting corpses, trading counterfeit goods, criminal threat, animal abuse, Assisting or Instigating Escape, Damage to Religious Property, contaminating a substance for human consumption, Identity Fraud, Disorderly Conduct and Joyriding Cry Count: 9 + 3 fake cries Mountains Trapped Under: 4

Current Tang Sanzang stats: Names/Titles: River Float, Xuanzang, Tang Sanzang, Tripitaka and the Tang Monk Abilities: Curing Blindness, making branches point a certain direction (allegedly), reciting sutras, pretty privilege, memorization, Heart Sutra, Meditation, and Being Heaven's Specialist Little Guy Cry Count: 33 Tight Fillet Spell Uses: 63 Paralyzed by fear: 6 Bandit Problems: 3 Kidnapped by demons: 9 Falling Off Horses: 10

Current Bai Long Ma Stats: Names/Titles: Bai Long Ma (White Dragon Horse), Prince of the Western Ocean, and third prince jade dragon of the dragon king Aorun Abilities: Transforming into a human, a water snake, and a horse, eating a horse in one bite, flight, Magic of Water Restriction, Singing, and Sword Dancing. Cry Count: 1 Crime List: Arson, and Grave Disobedience. Contributions to the plot: 3 Kidnapped by demons: 1

Current Zhu Wuneng Stats: Names/Titles: The Marshal of the Heavenly Reeds, Zhu Wuneng (Pig who is aware of ability), Zhu Ganglie, Pigsy, Idiot and Eight Rules. Weapon: Rake Abilities: 36 Transformations, parting water, fighting underwater, cloud soaring, size enhancement and CPR Demon Kill Count/Kill steals: 15 + Unknown number of minions Kidnapped by Demons: 5 Human Kill Count: 1 Failed Flirtation/romances Attempts: 4 Cry Count: 2 Crime List: Sexual Harassment, Murder, Kidnapping, arson, defamation, Damage to Religious Property, contaminating a substance for human consumption, Identity Fraud, Theft, Forcible entry, Disrupting a Funeral and Violating Tree Law

Current Sha Wujing Stats: Names/Titles: The Curtain-Raising General, Sha Wujing (Sand Aware of Purity), Sandy and Sha Monk Weapon: Monster Taming Staff Abilities: Fighting underwater, Cloud soaring, and fetching water from a well. Demon Kill Count: 1 + Unknown number of minions. Kidnapped by Demons: 3 Human Kill Count: 1 Cry Count: 1 Crime List: Breaking a Crystal Cup, murder, desecration of a human corpse, Damage to Religious Property and contaminating a substance for human consumption

Previous - Masterpost - Next

[lixies-favorite-cookie]

𝐜𝐨𝐨𝐤𝐢𝐞𝐬 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐤𝐬 𝐢𝐧 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐠𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐬

this is just for organization purposes and to spark any excitement if you would like to be tagged in any of these feel free to comment or send me an inbox message!! also if the project is anything below 50% its a lot more likely some part of it will be changed

-> current project

𝐚 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐥𝐢𝐯𝐞𝐝 𝐢𝐧 𝐛𝐞𝐭𝐰𝐞𝐞𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐞𝐚 ◦ l.f + b.c

𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐫𝐞𝐬・angst, fluff, romance, an emotional rollercoaster...

𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬・no cheating dw, love triangle ig?...

𝐚/𝐧・I have been working on this on and off since june and I finally decided to finish it, this has been through some major construction since I first wrote it (I literally almost gagged trying to reread the og I'm so embarrassed that's even on the internet)...

𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐮𝐬・outlining and writing

𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐠𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐬・20%

𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲 ・You have always channeled your dreams through the tip of a pen existing in between the pages of your poetry; the love you longed for was only ever found in fiction, that is until Felix inadvertently starts checking off all your boxes. What are you going to do when you realize you are caught between the stars and the sea, trying to fan a flickering flame long sputtered out and control a newfound passion you have only ever put on paper? How will your relationship with Chan survive? How will you quell the urge to collapse into Felix's arms? Love was always a gamble, and right now you didn't really like your odds.

or

Taking a trip to Australia with your boyfriend and his best friend wasn't in your bingo card, but when Chan begins to drive himself mad with writers block it becomes your reality. In the middle of a foreign content you begin to feel lonely with Chan nose deep into a lyric notebook, but Felix doesn't let you feel like that for long. What are you going to do when he starts checking off all of your boxes, helping you unfurl the magic of his home country through the lenses of a camera?

-> current project

𝐛𝐞𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐚𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐫・h.j

— for months you have dealt with constant intrusive thoughts, wondering what life was like before your head was swarmed with anxiety—until one day, you wake up and it isn't your OCD that you remember—it's hyunjin.

𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠・hyunjin x gn!reader // 𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐫𝐞𝐬・hurt and comfort, established relationships, one sided angst, me trauma dumping, tooth-rotting fluff // 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬・reader with OCD, could be read as any sort of obsessions + compulsions but focuses on the obsession of time and the thought that this state of mind will never change...

𝐚/𝐧・this kind of really sucks, but i decided to throw away my perfectionism for a little bit and just pour my soul out instead. I've recently been dealing with some serious OCD symptoms and I am trying to get a phycologist to help me navigate these symptoms and get diagnosed, but I thought of this today what it would be like to not wake up and immediately remember my anxiety and my obsessions...then started sobbing :D then hopped on my computer and wrote through the tears haha.

𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐮𝐬・writing

𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐠𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐬・80%

-> current project

𝐫𝐞𝐰𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐬 ◦ l.f

— summary still in progress but its about hot body guard Felix helping you solve murder :D

pairing・bodyguard!felix x mafia princess!reader genres mafia!au, bodyguard!au, enemies to lovers, forbidden love, slow burn, found family, mystery!au, hurt and comfort, two broken people healing each other in more ways than one, my terrible attempts at trying to write bantar (tell me what you think?), a lot of dancing (hehe)... warnings・getting knocked out, fights, knives, guns, blood, kidnapping, use of date rape drugs (no rape...you'll understand later), drunkenness (I've never been drunk), you are like low-key an alcoholic lmaoo,... disclaimer: in reality, the mafia is inherently evil, their entire existence revolves around organized crime, which includes, but is not limited to: murder, sex trafficking, kidnapping, theft, etc. this entire story is a work of FICTION and is by NO means a reflection of stray kids or reality at all so please keep that in mind while reading.thank you.

a/n・I struggled so much trying to write this fic. I certainly couldn't have done it without the lovely @jeonginsleftcheek who was my biggest supporter from the very beginning and all the way through when I had a mental breakdown, an existential crisis, a small writing hiatus, changed the plot, then changed it back, then changed it again, and changed it again but she helped me through it all. I truly cannot thank you enough for all your help. I hope I did it justice.

𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐮𝐬・outlining

𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐠𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐬・20%

-> current project

⋆.˚ ☁︎ TEENAGE DREAM ☁︎︎ ⋆.˚

—sometimes at eighteen, young love is anything but a teenage dream.

genres・fluff // young love // awkward confessions //meet cutes. summary・love is embarrassing, especially when you're in high school. from the cozy coffee shop to the local campus, eight boys stumble through the awkward world of crushes—trying, and failing to confess to you. taglist・@its-stayville-forever, @aris078, @emilywjinnie

a/n・I haven't been on here for a little while, but I wanted to do something silly and fun to celebrate 500 amazing followers! All of these ideas are still in the works, so the plots may change, but I'm having so much fun writing them. I get hit with a pang of nostalgia every once in a while, remembering my very first fanfiction, haha. If you want to be tagged in any of these, just comment down below or send me an ask—and always remember to support your content creators; it means the world to us!!

☁︎︎ COFFEE CUP ☁︎︎

BANG CHAN loved being a barista; not only did he get exceptional employee discounts but it was peaceful—he handed people their coffee, they said thank you and walked away—nobody ever bothered him. that is, until one night, ten minutes before closing, you walked in with your bright smile and garrulous chit-chat. It only took you one sentence to have him hooked, eagerly waiting for your next late-night visit. what is bang chan going to do when he finally works up the nerve to write his number on the sleeve of your coffee cup, only for you to toss it away without ever seeing it?(coming to your shelves December 10th)

☁︎︎ ROSE ☁︎︎

LEE KNOW was famous for being the star quarterback turned heartless bachelor—or so everybody thought. nobody could have guessed that the reason minho chased every woman away was because, hidden 60 miles from home, there was the animal shelter where he volunteered. the reason he drove an hour every day to nurture abused pets? you. what is minho going to do when, no matter how many roses he gives you, you just can’t take the hint? (coming to your shelves soon...)

☁︎︎ MOTORCYCLE ☁︎︎

︎SEO CHANGBIN. there’s nothing he loves more than his motorcycle—well, that’s not entirely true. he probably loves you more, but his motorcycle is certainly a close second. with prom looming, changbin finally gathers enough courage to ask out his long-time crush and childhood best friend. what is changbin going to do when, halfway through, he chickens out—and, in a panic, ends up ramming his motorcycle into your mailbox while trying to back out of your driveway?(coming to your shelves soon...)

☁︎︎ MY MUSE ☁︎︎

HWANG HYUNJIN has been in love with you for about as long as he’s understood the word love; stuck in the seat beside you since elementary school, hyunjin grew to adore the soft curves of your features. one day, in the middle of art class, he's struck with the urge to draw you. overcome with the fear of never getting the chance to tell you how he feels, hyunjin stuffs the picture in your locker. what is hyunjin going to do when he overhears you talking to your friends about the drawing—and you mention his enemy's name, and not his? (coming to your shelves soon...)︎︎

☁︎︎ LYRIC BOOK ☁

HAN JISUNG is dedicated to securing the top spot in his songwriting class, and nothing is going to stand in his way. that was, until three years ago, when you walked through the door, head held high, speaking of your goals as if they were already part of the present. jisung never thought there would be any competition—until there was. now, he doesn’t know whether to write songs about his overwhelming hatred or his overwhelming ardor. what is jisung going to do when, one day, you’re paired with him for a project, and you discover all the love songs he’s written about you?(coming to your shelves soon...)

☁︎︎ SUGAR AND SPICE ☁︎︎

LEE FELIX, the school's sunshine, the universe’s fallen star—nothing was going to get him down. well, except for you. no matter how hard he tries, felix just can’t form a sentence around you; his tongue twisting into sailor’s knots whenever you look his way.what is felix going to do when he tries to confess through a cake, baked fresh in the culinary class you share, but trips over his shoelaces and smears the cake all over your shirt instead?(coming to your shelves soon...)

☁︎︎ BASEBALL ☁

KIM SEUNGMIN worked with a focus nobody else seemed to reciprocate, constantly practicing to be the best pitcher this world has ever seen. his teammates respected him, his coach loved him, and the school only ever saw his poised manners—not the awkward teenager he really was. that is, until he meets you—equally shy and almost as painfully awkward, studying on the bleachers every day after school. there's something about your concentration, the self- assured direction you set for yourself, that makes him want you even more. what is he going to do when, one day after practice, he scrawls his number on a ball and chucks it toward you? and for once, the ball doesn’t go where he aimed. instead of landing in your lap, he nails you right in the forehead.(coming to your shelves soon...)

☁︎︎ THE BOOK WAS BETTER ☁︎︎

YANG JEONGIN lived in the library. on the days when he wasn’t cramming for an exam, he was relaxing with a good book. the library had always been peaceful for him—a sanctuary that students rarely ever touched. that is, until one random morning, he sees you walk in—captain of the cheerleading squad, with your tiny skirt and sparkly eyelids, jeongin almost expects you to laugh at him and his pathetic seating arrangement—all alone. but then, checking to see if anyone’s watching, you pull a book from the shelf, and begin to read it. that's how it started—now, every day during lunch, you come and read your book, safe in the shadows, creating a home nobody else knew about. what is he going to do when he starts falling for you, through the notes he slips into your book after you leave? And what will happen when the wrong girl comes in and tries to take the book?(coming to your shelves soon...)

Plus a lot of other blurbs and ideas I have that I haven't really developed :D

[https-furina]

✎ that poor birdy. ft. xiao x gn!reader content. fluff, a little hurt/comfort, naive (?) reader - they don’t know xiao isn’t human :p a little bit of xiao falling in love while being really inexperienced with it. mentions of xiao as a birdy ! not proofread 'm sorry >~< w.c. 1.5k words

notes. uuuuuuuu i loves him so much ;; santa pls can i has him under my nonexistent tree this year taglist. @ryuryuryuyurboat @soleillunne @rainswept

you followed the routine meticulously whenever you needed it, which was usually always when the inspiration runs dry from your veins. it stumps you every time, being in that scenario as a member of the wanwen bookhouse in liyue harbor. you never particularly want xingqiu chasing after you on whether you have any new material to publish.

the idea was first proposed in its early stages by a close friend - at least, that’s what you call him. you had been grumbling over a cup of steaming hot tea, head in your hands as you whined to xiao about an upcoming deadline.

“why don’t you travel for inspiration?” he had suggested and within seconds, your face had lit up. you stared at him with glittering eyes, a hopeful glimpse into your future right before you. xiao shifted nervously under your gaze, his gloved hands cupping his own cup of tea as he glanced away, the tips of ears feeling warm.

suddenly you would start disappearing for days, sometimes even weeks as the birth of your new found routine began. it was the saviour of your writer’s block, filling you to the brim with stories and poetry that everyone at the wanwen bookhouse fawned over. xiao never pondered where you would run off to, in all fairness he assumed you was prancing off to mondstadt, sumeru and even inazuma.

he never chased you up on it. after all, his suggestion had merely been a case of him trying to get the oddly clingy human that appeared from nowhere off his back for more than a day. your presence suffocates him as a yaksha and he takes your absence in his stride yet he leans against the railing of his room at wangshu inn, staring out at the endless stars all clustered together on a backdrop of indigo and he sees how your eyes glittered that day, like you had captured the stars and put them in your eyes. almost like fireflies in a glass jar.

xiao did however presume you was at least obsessed - his words, you simply call it a normal friendship - with him enough to bring back trinkets from your adventures but you come back empty handed each time with only a proud grin on your face as you dump your newest works onto the male. part of him is glad that you don’t, after all gifting on such a level outside of special occasions could come off as mating to the male bird. the other part of him - the humanoid part of him - wishes you would do it at least once to fill the empty void in his heart left from centuries of avoiding contact with people.

the kitchen at the wangshu inn is usually busy around this time of day as workers gather for their lunch break or couples take a leisurely stroll across the guili plains whilst liyue’s weather remains so warm and tender, humid to the touch with a cool breeze. xiao knows this well from how long he’s resided at the very top of the inn, where the breeze catches just right and rustles golden leaves above his head. the noise brought by the mortal world’s lunchtime would soon cease and he’d be left in the solace he craves so desperately to ease his pains; that is disregarding the fact that xiao finds the kitchen too noisy on this day.

someone jogging up the steps is enough for xiao to hide, after all he’s not expecting visitors nor does anyone ever seek him out on purpose now but he catches sight of your familiar head of hair and the waft of almond tofu through the leaves, the plate held carefully in your hands. he tries to make his sudden appearance calm, as if he’d always been there - you’re too innocent to put together myth to reality, even with his mask tucked securely to his hip.

“you’re back again,” he comments, gold eyes watching you carefully as you spin on your heel to face him, your initial look of confusion ebbing away at the sight of him, “almond tofu?”

“i figured i’d come back with a gift, at least,” you chime with a grin, holding out the plate to him. seeing your smile after a few days affects xiao more than he’d care to admit, his stomach filled with the odd sensation of butterflies - and a gift? “i remember you saying you liked almond tofu.”

the pale skin of his cheeks seems to flush with a subtle hue of pink causing the yaksha to flicker his glance away from you as he takes the plate of almond tofu, mumbling his thanks. what was this feeling? his brows almost knit together in confusion; could it be karmic debt? perhaps your presence as a mortal human was finally taking its toll on him. xiao parts his lips to excuse himself from your vicinity, wondering if he could gather some believable lies to get you off his back but he stares at the small details on your face and how you still smell like parchment and ink instead.

xiao moves away from you - albeit a little reluctantly - to the table presented neatly with two chairs by the railing, hidden in the shade of wangshu inn's great auburn tree. he settles in one of the chairs, clearing his throat as he watches you lean against the aforementioned railing.

"so where did you go gallivanting off to this time?" he asks curiously, taking small bites of the almond tofu you'd presented to him. it comes to him that he's never once asked where you go when you disappear from him and apparently the question catches you off guard when he glimpses how your eyes seem to widen a little in surprise, processing his sudden interest in your adventures.

"oh! i was camping out at qingyun peak again!" you lean back against the railing, letting liyue's breeze tickle your skin like a warm breath fanning down your neck. xiao pauses mid-bite, golden eyes blinking in bewilderment as he gazes at you. was that all? he furrows his brows, after all he had truly expected you to be going abroad to new lands for your inspiration - he's even more caught off guard by how you said again… so it wasn't your first time?

"is that all?" he voices aloud, listening to the sound of your sweet laugh on the wind at his response. the strange feeling in his stomach turns again and he almost drops the almond tofu on his spoon, clearing his throat as he looks away from you quickly. these feelings were not painful for him, he begins to realise in turn. the heat of his ears and the way his neck and cheeks soon matched their temperatures, the shake of his gloved hands and how his stomach felt like it was flipping - these were not associated with pain nor karma, confusing the yaksha further.

"eeyup!" you pop the 'p,' grinning over at him before looking up at the roof of wangshu inn, noting the numerous bird nests filled with eggs before you remember something you wished to bring up to him, "but i heard a little birdy calling out during the night, it sounded so sad."

xiao hums in response, turning his focus back to the almond tofu he was finding the most delectable - if you had made it like he assumed, you truly was an amazing cook. he considers voicing that thought out loud before he realises you are mumbling about the small bird you'd heard and xiao begins to ponder what type of bird you must have heard. in the middle of night and at qingyun peak… the more he thinks about it, he soon chokes on the tofu he was chewing. he clears his throat to cover his embarrassment, hiding his face as he waves you off when you rush to his side.

you'd heard him. xiao's heart races, thumping against his ribcage at how he gets himself out of this situation. how would he even begin to explain that the bird is lamenting, calling for its dead friends that will never return? his eyelashes flutter shut for a moment.

"i'm sure the bird is fine." he tries to reassure once he has finished chewing the tofu. you give him a thankful smile at his reassurance, settling in the chair opposite him with a drastic sigh.

"i hope so… that poor birdy," you go quiet for a moment, gaze drifted off into the distance in thought and xiao takes the moment to recollect himself, leaning back in his chair as he admires you subtly. you really was starting to become a pain for him, "you'll have to join me next time so you can hear it! you seem to know a lot about birds, xiao - maybe we can go find it!"

xiao grimaces but he doesn't let it show, a crack of a smile on his face at the sentiment behind you caring so much for this bird; caring for him, without ever realising it. perhaps it wouldn't be so bad to let you a little closer, after all these pains weren't hurting him.

"i'll have to take you up on that offer." he muses, fixing his gloves as a wide beam brightens up your face. oh, what a grave he has dug for himself.

© https-furina 2023.

[lains-reality]

hi :) i hope you’re having a wonderful day

you’re literally the only blogger i trust when it comes to non-duality, and your advice has been the one i’ve been most easily able to apply/understand. I hope this doesn’t come off as a vent, but it probably will just because this question is so complicated and problem riddled, and tbh idek if you’re actually going to respond, but yea. it’s like star wars you’re my obi wan kenobi! my last hope lol

basically i’ve put my life on hold and procrastinated everything i’ve needed to do. (TW: death?? health problems/sa?) I went through a really bad year, last year. the human character i identify with (non-dualistic terms, bc ik this character isn’t me?) was sa’d in the beginning of the year. really traumatic. i dropped out of school, i couldn’t go out of the house because i feared for my life. i became super paranoid. i reported it and filed charges, but the justice system is fucked so.

anyways, after because the amount of stress i was experiencing, i became very ill. my biological father wished death on me, and i believed it at the time, because my sibling wished for me to get raped, and then it happened. i can see now, how my belief may or may not have been the cause of what happened. i then got cancer. the doctors couldn’t figure it out for months, and even ridiculed me- saying how i relied on google.

i finally went to a specialist who was immediately concerned, and then confirmed my suspicions. i was sort of friends with a blogger on here who got into the void and manifested their dream life. they went into the void for me and affirmed that i no longer had cancer, and that i could tap/wake up in the void. the next day, the huge lump/tumor on my neck was gone. all of my ailments- trouble breathing, patchy and rough skin ceased. i literally told my mother what happened which made her start believing in the power of “manifestation”.

because of the paranoia, and then cancer- i didn’t go to school my last 2 years of school. i switched to online, but never felt the need to complete my classes because i knew i would get into the void. i’ve gotten into the void, both by waking up/tapping into it but i haven’t been able to change my awareness, or “manifest” bc i was just mumbo jumbing words or poetry. i didn’t apply to university, because i thought i’d enter the void before then and revise my school grades + make it so i got into the university of my choice.

now, i have a week left before i have to finish my classes- which i have 7 of them, and so many assignments. i have to move out in the middle of august because i lied to my parents and said i got into university, because i thought i would’ve already changed things with the void by now. my life was fucked, then i fucked my life. after discovering non-duality i gained hope that i would be able to turn things around by now, yet i haven’t. i don’t know what i’m doing wrong, because i was able to show myself the truth of reality (as lester levinson said).

i am really stressing because now everything is falling down on itself. i try to forget my problems, and don’t give them life by letting go, yet it’s so hard when teachers are bombarding me with messages how i have to finish the classes, or how i have to move out soon. i know this is probably ego driven, but i feel as if i can’t see a way through because of how attached i am to this. my health has also been abnormal, which makes me fear that the cancer has returned. what should i do?? im kinda freaking out.

anyways, i am so sorry if this came across trauma dumping/venting. i am just at a point where i do not even know where to begin to conceptualize this into understanding. this took a lot of courage to type, as im a bit afraid still- that people who hurt me from last year will see this (even though i know they won’t, but still). i totally understand if you wish not to post this or answer it, as it is very long and limiting. thank you though! i hope you have a wonderful week:)

this was quite difficult to answer as i've never been through so much turmoil all at once. i hope this answer helps and you'll continue taking care of yourself! (i'm sorry i linked way too much lol just don't read it all at once!)

firstly i want you to rest.

you've been through a lot and you've also been putting off a lot to get into the void. stopping life for manifestation is common it seems, its not healthy either. so much pressure is coming from time. you put all your expectations on a method, and i'm gonna guess that you also put so much onto your mind to get you into the void.

practically: your biological father sounds abusive and so does your sibling, i would be more careful around him. idk if your not around him anymore, it sounds like it? but you need to plan accordingly for your lie. are you gonna tell your parents or ?

theres a massive chance you'll just go crazy trying to figure out all these moving parts, so i suggest do what you can and leave the rest. do the minimum to keep you safe, then figure out the rest as it comes. do whatever you need to do, just remember to not take on too much at once.

ask for breaks on work at school for medical reasons, maybe think about jobs, etc. you see how much more could come into the picture? but this is all the body-mind can do. its easy to treat it as god, but its not god.

"but i feel as if i can’t see a way through"

You fail to do the works of God, because you take the body to be God. - Ada B. [4dbarbie]

take a look at these meditations:

butter meditation

peace meditation

surrender meditation

un-identification exercise

crying meditation

i'd like you pick one of these exercises:

feel all the shit. feel bad. just do it. let all the bad feelings out. put on sad music and fucking cry. cry it all out.

let yourself rest, with no problems. if a thought or feeling comes in just let it, because its not a problem remember? :) just put on some calming music or visualise a calming place. and let yourself have some time with nothing. no conditions. no perfection. no obligations. no 'have to' 'should' 'must'. let that go for this time

feel as if you've died. feel as if you've been completely forgiven, feel as if there was a powerful white light that washed you away of all the crap. really feel as if the divine came down, hugged you and said 'i love you and forgive you'. its all over. finally its all done. you can rest. (i suggest kickstarting this with imagery or music, its hard to generate feeling such grace on you own. i saw a jesus holding a baby lamb picture that made me burst out in tears and realised that all i wanted was just to be, no obligations. i imagined waking up in a heaven, in a gaint flowerfield. do what you want)

one time i did the 1st and 3rd exercises (i made it up on the spot) and it was worth it. the next few days felt much better. its like an exercise in rebirth. let yourself be reborn.

some days you'll just do one or all 3. pick what ever feels right in what ever order. but i suggest that 'feel as if you've died' or 'no problems' comes last! the whole point is to let the painful emotion pass through and settle in a neutral or grateful place.

"after discovering non-duality i gained hope that i would be able to turn things around by now"

here's the problem, you went into a philosophy intending to manifest. yes,, (1) you can do that (2) its okay, AS LONG AS YOU DONT MISS THE POINT. the point being that there is no person! the character is a character, not you. manifestation is just another concept, you can use it as long as you understand that its not real. thats why i shared the BOOKS, you need to READ.

"i try to forget my problems, and don’t give them life by letting go"

don't force yourself to forget (don't say you're not forcing it, otherwise you never would of wrote "TRY"). just let them be. deal with it when it comes up. the mind'll want to make a bazillion plans and stress. if you can make plans without spiriling, then do it. if you can't, don't. there will probably be some things you need to plan and thats okay. but everything else, leave it.

you haven't actually let it go, you're here in my inbox. you do not need to force letting it go. you naturally let it go by realising who you are in relation to it all. if you think you're the body-mind then its impossible to let go, because its your life and it involves you and if you let it go to shit, you might die!! - says the mind. but if you're Self, then this is not you. all those stories mean nothing compared to Infinity, Absolute Perfection and Love!

the Self is who you truly are. Self is still underneath it all, it is all. its imagining itself being a human. the character is the wave, YOU are the ocean. ultimately this is about realising all the identities, images and roles that "you've" taken on and used as reference are not you. how can a story be you? how can the past be you? are you the past? are you currently living in the past? you can be if you keep bringing it into the now.

when you stop using the past as a reference point, how much more posibilities come up now?

this is because the mind only knows what it knows. it cannot know anything more than what it knows right now. it can't access infinite intelligence. that's why it'll try to project into the future, and make plans. but it doesn't truly know. all it does is give suggestions based off the past. it is a combination of identity based off feelings, thoughts and memories that is collected and turned into a habit.

the past, memories, feelings, thoughts, identifies, roles etc all pass through you. they all come up like waves and then leave on THEIR OWN. if you hold onto these (which the character wants to do, it thinks thats all it is) it'll be painful when they are threatened in some way. a simple remark of "oh you look xxx" can be so painful for some characters because they based their whole life on a singular identity that WILL go.

Most of you can't change because you are so desperate TO change... but there is nothing to want to change. Things just are. Don't work with changing self, just realize who self actually is. [4dbarbie]

this is not a forcing thing, its just a rememberance. its done out of love, passion, a desire to just be free! with no ties to whatever identity! its takes courage, not convincing or denial.

Disbelieving you are Vanessa and denial are not the same thing. Denial is when you deny reality to something you're already giving reality to. Disbelieving was meant as an experiment, you never thought yourselves to be anything but this body, what will happen if you did? What are changes in your psyche, do you feel more confident, do you feel like you could take on the world? Don't you love Vanessa now that you know that she always was a choice? Even if she wasn't the greatest, what's so wrong with her? She is just somebody, she just lives a life. Things are only so serious when you're identified with her, you get scared, you get hurt, you feel stuck. But when you know that she can't hinder you? That she was never you? Don't you just want to laugh and hug her? [4dbarbie]

are you sure you're reading books and posts? a lot of this is already answered. your case is just more to deal with, but the point is still the same: you are not the body and mind, see what would happen if you questioned them.

just KEEP IT SIMPLE!

i'd like to leave you with this.

Once a young woman came to Hafiz and said, “What is the sign of someone knowing God?” And Hafiz became very quiet and stood in silence for nearly a minute. Lovingly looking deep into the young woman's eyes, he then softly spoke: “My dear, they have dropped the knife. The person who knows God has dropped the cruel knife so often used upon their tender self and others.” [source]

some extra resources

eft - health fear

eft - afraid to feel

we cannot practice letting go

heart of an emotion

i want to wake up with everything

hafiz - love's victory (PLEASE WATCH IT)

trust yourself

"You think you're doing it all for nothing, that's why you don't do it. But is freedom from pain really nothing? At least you are, for once in your life, sighing from relief from all this never-ending sense of doing."

health anon

apply

"All the process requires is letting go of thinking you are Vanessa."

behaviour

letting thoughts and emotions pass

challenge yourself

stories

everything brings you back to your Self

you've been through a lot and i'm glad you still are full of love! otherwise you never would've tried in the first place to change anything. use that love, take any anger and turn it into love for freedom! for Self! i know you can do it!!

also: the feeling of bad health coming back is a sign to me. you've put so much on hold: your healing from the sa, the healing from your family, the lying, LIFE in general. you can't keep doing that. turn inwards. the fear won't consume you.

[entelodante]

The MODERN MIRAN SCRIPT. Basically the continuation of the old school Chimeric that I covered in this post. That has most of the nitty gritty and this is more so about the branch of the language. The BIG info dump below the cut!

Chimeric is the original, a purely written language used by chimera when talking is unavailable. Written in a circle heading inwards with two defined lines of dialogue. The subject/action 'real' substance and the tonal, emotional intent of the writer and sometimes reader. Chimeric is still used by the remaining population to talk within their ranks, but nearly every chimera is at least bilingual depending on where they ended up. Back in Mirum the written language of Chimeric stayed behind but has been pretty heavily modified to better suit the reading style of the people that remained. Mainly Histin who cut out pretty much all the fluff and added a bit more structure.

So! As opposed to the radial style of Chimeric, Miran has double decker sentences. With the top row being the remnants of the Subject quarter and the bottom row being the Action quarter. Linkage of subjects and actions take place between the two lines. Plus there is a new form of linkage, the priority/influence links which show which subject is acting upon who, and define action sequences. While Chimeric is written inwards radially, Miran is written top to bottom, starting going from left to right then right to left and alternating down the page. Also circular paper is swapped for rectangular, think a standard 8x10. Still, you are expected to enclose sentences within two parentheses, lil hold over from the circular days. But to the outside perspective the largest difference between the two is their tones, or well overtonage of one and lack of tone in the other. Chimeric is the 3 paragraph overly detailed text, Miran is the single word response. Lest to say they do not mesh super well.

ANOTHER fun hold over I want to add but am still thinking over characters for is that for rare fancy words (poetry/music/heart speak) Miran can slide in a THIRD ROW in between the first and second. There the spoken tone quarter manages to eek out a meager Miran existence through a few dozen sets of characters to convey certain emotions and the like. Songs in Miran very often have multiple sets of lyrics overlaid in this fashion, the largest can have 5+ tonal rows.

Oh that reminds me! Miran DOES have a spoken equivalent. Or rather, the original shared Histin/Diagrevies language has been stretched over to fit better with the written word. That in itself has split the spoken word in Mirum in two once more, with spoken Miran and Draconic being the two main talkings. Histin typically only speak and read Miran, whilst Diagrevies will speak both; with their preference being draconic. A Diagrevies will typically have a Histin under their employ to read and write for them since ya know, they cannot see.

All this taken into consideration though, Miran and Chimeric are still basically two ways of writing the same basal language. Not that modern speakers like to admit that. But small character additions and style changes aside, if you can read one you can get the gist of the other. Miran is by far the most spoken in modern times tho. Its a little more accessible for different species than Chimeric.

Want to get more into the modern Mirum dealings. The chimera may be absent but their influence is still very plain to see if you know where to look.