#Zach killed a bug without thinking about it

[rickyyysaurus]

Reluctant animal lover Zach my beloved <3

"So, that's it then?"

"Yup."

"You're quitting."

"Mhm."

"You don't succeed one time, so you're giving up?"

"Bingo."

Zach refused to look at Chris. For someone so open about being touchy-feely, Chris wasn't very good at empathizing with him. Sure, he'd had failed inventions and evil schemes before in the past that he didn't let drag him down, but those were different. They were half-assed, get-rich-quick schemes made up on a whim. Besides, the Wild Ratts had been working against Zach all those times. Now, when they're working with him, and he's giving it his all, and he still fails? That's worse. That's bad. This failure actually meant something. This proved it, that he wasn't good enough even when he tried. That's why he hated trying. You can never disappoint if you never actually try. Chris didn't get it. Zach called it a strategy, Chris called it an unhealthy coping mechanism. Tomato tomahto.

'What do you know, anyways? You hug trees for fun.'

'Maybe. But which one of us is actually happy?'

'.... I'm happy.'

'... Sure. And I'm a monkey's uncle.'

'You might be, for all I know. I still don't know how those creature power suits work.'

'Zach?'

'Yes?'

'Shut up.'

He zoned back in, Chris's voice droning on, going in one ear and out the other. Something about 'perseverance' and 'anything worth doing is worth working hard for'. Or something. He didn't know, he wasn't really listening. There wasn't any point, he wasn't gonna try being a goody-two-shoes again. He heaved himself up from his chair with a sigh, shuffling his way to the makeshift area the crew had made for him in the Tortuga. 

Chris's mouth closed softly as he watched Zach move across the room, appalled. Who did this brat think he was?

He stormed over to Zach, who was crouched over, packing his bags.

"What do you think you're doing?"

"Packing."

"Well, stop."

Zach gave him a side eye from his low angle. 

"Don't tell me what to do."

"My house, my rules."

Zach scoffed and rolled his eyes.

"You aren't my dad. And even if you were, this isn't a house."

Chris scowled down at him as he continued packing, arms crossed. A devilish grin began snaking its way across his face. He waited until Zach was reaching for one of his items still strewn about, then snatched the closest bag up and booked it. Zach looked after him in shock.

"Did- did you just steal my bag?"

"If you want it back, you'll have to catch me! What're you waiting for? Come get your stuff, Captain Emo!"

Zach made a noise of indignation, even as he scrambled to his feet and took off after Chris.

Chris had a pretty decent head start on Zach, and he planned on using it to his advantage. He hopped on a Buzz Bike and shot down the ramp, kicking up dust clouds as he zoomed away into the wilderness. 

Zach whipped his head around, frantically searching for a vehicle he actually knew how to drive. His gaze fell upon an old mountain bike, half covered by an old sheet. He groaned. He gave one last once-over of all the vehicles stored in the space, but there were none he knew how to work, or had the keys for. He was stuck with the bike. He ripped the sheet off of it, a cloud of dust billowing up around him, making him cough. He kind of hoped he got some kind of weird lung disease, just so he could spite Chris and blame him for it. He threw a leg over and tentatively sat on the cushioned seat. It was admittedly a very nice bike, but that wasn't the problem. No, the problem was Zach hated bike riding, and he was a little rusty. Whatever, that's something you never forget how to do, right? Isn't that what people said? 

He pushed off, starting to roll slowly toward the ramp. He was suddenly not so sure this was a good idea and was about to turn around, when the front wheel slipped over the edge. The bike flew down the ramp and launched Zach down the path Chris had taken, Zach screaming the whole way. 

It was a bumpy ride at first, the "path" having been made by the crew, leading from the Tortuga to the actual path. Once Zach merged onto the main trail, it smoothed out, and was actually a pretty pleasant ride. He wasn't a fan, but he didn't hate it, either. After a few minutes of peaceful gliding, he passed a varmint that seemed to be struggling. He rode by for a few feet before coming to a stop, grumbling to himself.

"Since when did I get so soft."

He hopped off the bike and turned around to see what all the commotion was about. It was a squirrel trying to get to a nut. It had been placed under a glass cup, within the squirrel's view, but too heavy for it to tip over. 

Zach ignored the anger that flared up at the sight. He lifted the cup, and the squirrel snatched the nut before scampering off up a tree. He scowled. Ungrateful rat.

Hopping back on the bike, he continued on down the path. Before too long, he came across another critter in trouble. A bird this time, crying from up in a tree. A nest lay in the ground beneath the tree. Zach didn't hesitate to stop this time, simply popping off and picking up the nest. Looking up the tree, he scowled. He would have to climb it. Luckily it was a fairly easy tree to climb, and even he managed it without incident. He placed the nest in a secure-looking nook, and climbed back down. His hands and clothes were a little dirty, and his cheeks were flushed slightly from the exertion, but he was satisfied. He didn't know why he felt satisfied, it's not like he cared or anything. He continued on his way, peddling a little faster in an attempt to escape the notion of him having a heart as big as one of the Wild Kratts crew. 

The last creature he encountered was when he was nearing the end of the path. A kitten in a tree. It was crying and meowing like its life depended on it. As far as Zach knew, its life did depend on it. He didn't know much about varmints. He rushed over to the tree. It wasn't too high up, the branch about three feet higher than he was. 

'That's not so high, but to such a little thing it must seem scary.'

"Ok, Varmint, I'm gonna help you. But only because you're clearly incapable of helping yourself."

He lifted his hands up. 

"Don't be scared, I'll lift you down. But if you scratch me, I will drop you."

The kitten had stopped meowing and eyed him warily. It looked Zach in the eye, sincerely shining past his frown. The kitten sniffed his hands before gingerly placing one paw on them, and then another. It fit in his delicate hands comfortably, a little ball of purring fluff. He lowered his arms and held it to his chest, feeling its purrs as it rubbed its head against him. 

"Huh. You're… not so bad, really. I mean-", he quickly clarified. "You're not bad, but that doesn't mean I like you. You're still a varmint, and I'm still a bad guy." 

The kitten mewled in response before wriggling a bit, indicating it was ready to be put down. Zach released it and it strutted behind him. He turned around to watch it go, and was met with Chris smiling at him. 

"Zach Varmitech, what was that?"

His face flushed furiously. 

"Nothing! It was nothing! You didn't see shit, Wild Ratt!"

"That wasn't nothing, that was you helping an animal! And you did that one all on your own that time! That's amazing!"

"... what do you mean I did 'that one' all on my own?"

Chris rubbed his neck sheepishly.

"I maybe pretended to be that squirrel. And Martin was maybe the bird."

Zach stared at him blankly. Martin emerged from the foliage and stood beside Chris.

"We just wanted you to feel better! We wanted to prove to you that you can be good, even if you mess up sometimes." He said.

"Turns out, you didn't need us to help you do that. You did it all on your own, with this little guy." He bent down and picked up the kitten, scratching it behind the ears. "He wasn't part of the plan at all." Chris finished.

Zach looked at the kitten, then at Chris. Chris cleared his throat awkwardly.

"So, what do you say? Will you give it another try?"

"We all want you here, Zach. Especially Chris", Martin said with a shit-eating grin. Chris punched him in the shoulder.

"One slip up isn't gonna change that." Chris finished.

Zach sighed. 

"Fine. But only so you'll quit lecturing me about it."

The two brothers whooped in victory, high-fiving for officiality. 

"Now that mission is accomplished, let's go back to the Tortuga. I'm starving", Martin said. "You two can share a spaghetti plate, 'Lady and the Tramp' style", he sniggered.

Zach tried to hide how many butterflies had been stirred up in his gut.

"You're insufferable."

"Yeah, you're the worst and I will kick you in the shins", Chris said, setting the kitten down to scamper back over to Zach. Chris motioned for him to follow them. 

"C'mon, Captain Emo, let's get some lunch."

"Ha ha, very funny. Give me back my bag."

Chris began walking off with Martin, pretending he hadn't heard Zach. 

"Hey! Give me back my bag, Chris! I swear I'll-"

He chased after him, Chris looking over his shoulder and yelping before taking off, Zach yelling after him.

"What's yours is his! It's in the wedding vows!" Martin yelled after them.

They yelled back simultaneously.

"Shut up!"

[writing-reaper]

Aposematism of a Predator

Asa Emory x Reader

Part one here

Warnings: verbal abuse, rape, stalking, bloodlust

Chapter 2

~~~~~~~~~~

It had barely been five minutes when (Y/n) stepped outside to find the two upset men. One upset because he thought she was about to be bullied/harassed by their Professor, the other just upset he had to wait on this pathetic woman his friend called his girlfriend.

“Finally!” The man scoffed.

“You okay babe?” Zach asked the flustered woman. She nodded and smiled reassuringly at him. “Great. Well me and Josh are going to get dinner together so we’re gonna drop you off at home. If you want a sandwich or something we can stop somewhere.”

“O-oh… uh sure.”

Abandoned again, (Y/n) watched as the two walked on without her. Zach didn’t even notice she wasn’t following. A sigh left her lips before she followed them to the car. Chewing her lip as she hopped in the back, now even losing her seat in the front.

This was going to be a long night…

When seconds turned to minutes, and minutes turned hours: (Y/n) had already finished the essay. She wrote about bees and how her neighbor used to own a bee farm. How she always had a bee or two nearby and how the kids used to get scared. She had always been a bug girl, whether it be spiders or cockroaches, (Y/n) loved them all.

She spent the next hour or so with her spiders, one on her face, the other on her head as she tried to call her boyfriend to no avail. When he did finally answer it wasn’t him. It was Josh who just told her that Zach didn’t love her and that she was too clingy.

She spent the rest of the night crying, holding onto her arachnid friends. Then soon after, she put her arachnid friends away and passed out.

She was so tired. They had been having problems with their relationship for a while. She had thought it was the distance but clearly it was something else.

“Hey, Princess.” Zach says with a smile, watching as she stirred awake.

“Zach… it’s 2 am.” (Y/n) whines, stretching out in the bed.

“Yup. I ended up driving around with Josh a while longer than we planned, but I figured when I got back we could have some good old one on one time.” He explains, moving on top of her. She sat up slightly, excitement in her eyes.

“A movie and cuddles?!” She questions excitedly, thinking back to all their old dates. Zach laughed then scoffed.

“I was thinking more of a… Netflix and chill.” He hums, rubbing her night shirts fabric between his fingers.

“I’m not really in the mood, Zach. Did you even bring back the food I asked for?” She asks, shifting uncomfortably beneath him. The man above her scoffs, shoving her back down on the bed.

“Sorry, I forgot. But it’s not like you need it anyway. You could lose the extra weight.” Her heart felt like it was crushed and whatever light she had in her eyes dulled.

“Oh… ok.”

“Come on, let’s have some fun.”

Snores were filling her head like a white noise. Frankly, she was sick of it. How could he do this to her?

She comes all the way here… and he…

(Y/n) couldn’t sleep. She spent the night in the bathroom, staring. She felt loss. What happened? What had she done?

The following day was just as dull. Zach promised her a date, but instead, she ended up cleaning the house. He chose his friends over her again. And again… and again.

“Make sure everyone submits their essays to the basket before they leave.” Asa announces after finishing his lecture and explaining their new assignment. As everyone sauntered out, a crowd of people going through the filter of a door, he almost missed the lovely woman at the spider tank.

He watched as Zach approached her, she said something, and he just shrugged and groped her before he left. There was something… different today though. She seemed down.

As soon as everyone was out the door, he approached the woman once more. Her eyes looked lifeless in the reflection of the glass.

“Aren’t you going to miss your ride, Ms. (L/n)?” Ass inquires, sitting at his desk.

“No, I’m going to check out the gym that’s right off campus. Zach is hanging out with Josh again. I just wanted to wait for everyone to leave. Have a good day, Professor Emory.”

Asa was mad. What did Zach do? What did he say?

He had debated on keeping things old fashioned, but after seeing how she was today: he decided he’d do things his way. The good old stalker style. He found the address in Zach’s file and watched the house for a while, looking for security, mosey neighbors, the works.

They didn’t have much security and lacked any other types of security. In fact, it seemed like just a regular old house.

After a while, (Y/n) had finally arrived, Zach in tow. (Y/n) seemed happy again. All his attention was on her, he was holding her hand and he had even gotten her flowers.

Inside, however, Zach became distant once more. Always on the phone, making (Y/n) repeat herself, and aggressively demanding things. He watched as she cooked dinner, visibly crying. Asa assumed that Zach only approached her because she was cooking.

He watched him kiss her neck, play with her hair, and hold her: all the while she cooked. Asa was getting tired of this. He wanted this to end. But he couldn’t just kill him like this. No. He had to make his death far worse.

[penguinkinggames]

“Cerebos: The Crystal City” Actual Play Part II: Reconstruction

This is the second in a series of posts recounting a session of actual play from Cerebos: the Crystal City, currently crowdfunding on Kickstarter. The first part can be found here:

https://tumblr.penguinking.com/post/646498084013195264

This session was conducted on March 20th, 2021, with Matthew Dorbin as GM, and Amelia Gorman, Ashley Flanagan, Will Mendoza, and Kevin Snow playing. The events of play were recorded by Zach Welhouse.

When last we left our travelers, they’d just reached their first Stop, a city lost to the desert. Its only inhabitants are skeletons with manes and beards made of precious metals. Researchers from Inferno Heavy Industries have a great interest in these conductive skeletons, nevermind the living passengers.

The unresolved Danger from the Events on the train has made this Stop more perilous. The train Danger is reduced to 0, and the Events resolve in a way that makes sense for the story, but their impact increases the Stop Danger.

Stop Actions: Inferno Heavy Industries Outpost #7G

A Stop consists of a single round of Stop actions; each traveler will act once before the train moves on.

The Lady in Blue saunters over to the Inferno Heavy Industries scientists and learns they’re looking into a new phenomenon! When no one’s looking she Seizes an Opportunity to start nicking bone silver and supplying it to the ants. Although this raises tensions between the scientists and the ants, fewer skeletons threaten the passengers.   Initially the Lady in Blue rolls a setback, but she uses the Nick of Time trait attached to her gun to reroll one die. With a partial success, she pulls off the heist of the evening. The Stop Danger lowers to 4, but the lure of her criminal past intensifies. She gains one Momentum on her gun.  

The Lonely Seafarer approaches the danger from a more diplomatic position, badgering the lead ant with Morse questions: “Do they have a qualified Death Ray Engineer? Where did they receive their certification? I’ve never heard of the issuing institute? Try me.”   It’s a partial success. Several ants, unused to the heavy question, drop their cargo and flee. She reduces the Danger to 3, but gains one Momentum on her hat. It turns out she’s a person who is used to ordering people around. Or she’s a person with a very important hat. Either way, she’d better hold on to that hat and the authority it represents!  

Tinderling is a woman of action! While everyone else is resorting to thievery or tricks of rhetoric, she lays into a mob of electric dead with her fists and her bird bone sewing needle.   It’s another partial success. She reduces the Danger to 2, but decides to take Damage as her consequence. The skeletons don’t go down without a fight.  

The Unqualified Robot has never been in a situation like this -- at least as far as it knows! While everyone else is stealing, speaking, or swashbuckling, it rifles through its collection of face plates for an appropriate emotion. Finally, it decides on a bug-eyed expression of alarm. It waves its arms, attempting to communicate the danger posed by the skeletons to the scientists, who are now more concerned with studying the sentient ants.   Failure. The scientists ignore the robot, one of them knocking it to the ground like it’s an inconveniently placed chair. While it’s down, ants seize the opportunity to pilfer some more components. The Unqualified Robot takes its second Damage. It scrambles to recover the most important bits, but reattaches them in an inhuman configuration. Somehow this feels right, like whatever it’s becoming is more correct than what it was.

Despite the Unqualified Robot’s poor efforts, the travelers lowered the Stop’s danger enough for the night to pass uneventfully. The ants wander off with whatever they can carry while the scientists handle the remaining skeletons.

They travelers leave without consequences; however, it wasn’t a relaxing stay and they don’t get a keepsake. If they wanted to leave the worksite with a souvenir, they could have risked spending more Traits to reroll their partial successes or addressed the events plaguing the train before it stopped. Some Stops are naturally more dangerous than others, so luck (and certain Conductor abilities) also impact the outcome.

Some time later, possibly another day, the travelers enjoy lunch in the dining car, paying with Inferno Heavy Industries scrip.

Fourth Round of Train Actions

The Unqualified Robot shares a flashback with Tinderling while Tinderling eats. Tinderling had been admiring its face plates, and it was certain it had seen her rail spike before.   Back in the City by the Sea, the Unqualified Robot was unable to sell the gadgets it had been created to sell. To earn oil money it started scabbing at a factory while Tinderling marched the picket lines outside.   One day Tinderling confronts the Unqualified Robot while it’s pushing a wheelless wheelbarrow full of trash past the picket: “There has to be a better place for people like you. Or robots like you. You have better things to do than sell your soul to this company. If you have a soul? Or sell your labour!”    At this point, the Unqualified Robot only owns smiley face slides. So it smiles. Tinderling hands it a rail spike: “Throw it! Show it who’s boss!” The robot weighs the spike in its hand and uses it to scratch angry eyebrows onto its faceplate. Then it throws the spike through the factory window. In the ensuing riot, the Uncanny Robot is badly injured.   As a result of the shared flashback, Tinderling’s rail spike gains the Rabble Rouser trait. The Unqualified Robot’s expression slides gain Angry Eyebrows.

The travelers are shocked back to the present by a cheerful announcement from the conductor: “Everything’s fine. Don’t worry about this. We’re just coming up on the Rail Labyrinth. Seems it’s time for my annual performance review. Worst case, I’m fired and we’re stuck in here forever and die.” The mess of competing tracks from before was nothing compared to the snarl of dead-ends, different gauges, and switchbacks the train enters.The Rail Labyrinth is a Danger 3 Event. The conductor could probably handle it on her own, but it’s going to be a bumpy ride!

The Lonesome Seafarer looks pensively through her broken spyglass to Engage the Event and sketches a few suggestions on a napkin. When it comes down to it, land navigation is like sea navigation, only easier. It’s an Inspired Success, which reduces the Danger to 1. She rushes her chart to the conductor, who’s going at her charts with specialized tools. “What is this?” the conductor asks. “It’s the way out of here!” responds the Seafarer. “Take a right, take a left!  

Tinderling is unconcerned by the Rail Labyrinth. She’s been keeping an eye on the Unqualified Robot, who’s been taking a beating. In a way, she got it into this mess, so she does what she can to repair the damage.   It’s been collecting bits of scrap to enhance its body. She offers her rail spike. It wielded the spike with conviction once; maybe now it can serve a different purpose. The bond of camaraderie is strong like steel.   Tinderling rolls an Ugly Break to give away her touchstone. She gains one Contemplation, but also gains one Momentum to her burnt match. She has to hold on to the fire and anger that set her on this path, or else all her sacrifices will have been for nothing. If she gives that away, someone will probably take it as a symbol of hope, peace, or something altogether too soft. The Unqualified Robot gains a new femur, which means it’s more human, right?  

The Lady in Blue observes the Lonesome Seafarer’s burst of action and authority. She’s like a different person when she’s giving commands! Did the spyglass help her focus? The two travelers catch eyes and the steel labyrinth flashback into one of wind and waves.   The Lonesome Seafarer is adrift without the guidance of Second Mate Scurvy. No one else in the crew will stand up to her in the helpful-but-confrontational way that Scurvy did so well. She grows harsher in her methods, challenging the crew to fight back. None do.   One awful night, she thinks she sees the ghost of Scurvy mouthing guidance. What’s that he’s saying? It’s either “Don’t mind me,” or “Come find me!” “Scurvy, that’s unhelpful!” the Lonesome Seafarer says, worrying she’s talking to a delusion. “Sorry! I’m a ghoo~oost,” Scurvy responds. The Lonesome Seafarer’s spyglass gains the Tunnel Vision trait.

Fifth Round of Train Actions

The Rail Labyrinth isn’t so bad, once everyone gets used to the sudden stops and jerks. Progress slows, so they turn to idle conversation.

Tinderling strikes up a conversation with the Lady in Blue. Something about her shabby finery suggests she may be an ally in the coming revolution. Take that burned handbag, for instance.   The Lady in Blue flashes back to when her bag was burned. She’s sitting in a car outside a bank. Alarms are going off inside and the building is on fire. Isabelle (not her real name) rushes out and tosses a handbag full of money into the car.   “Was fire part of the plan?” the Lady in Blue asks. Fire was not part of the plan. This was supposed to be a simple heist, but she escalated to arson. One of these days she’s going to get somebody killed. The next morning, Isabelle and the cash are gone. Two people died in the heist, turns out!   The empty bag gains the Score to Settle trait.

Two more flashbacks means it’s time for a new Event. Inferno Heavy Industries keeps on piling on the training exercises. The conductor alerts everyone to the newest sights: “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. We’re entering an area of particular geological interest. If you look out on either side, you will see the site of the second part of my performance review. We are now entering Cactortle Canyon.”

Cactortles are large, friendly beasts. Trains are a novelty and a chance to scratch their itchy backs, making Cactortle Canyon a Danger 3 event. The Rail Labyrinth is still hanging in there with Danger 1, setting the total Danger at 4.

The Unqualified Robot starts throwing junk from its bag at the cactortles. Only by divesting itself of the signs of its former life can it find new purpose. Even better, it means throwing things at wildlife that are threatening to ram the train. The Robot’s Engage an Event roll is abysmal (1 + 3), so it takes a swig from its flask and uses its Drowning Sorrows trait to upgrade to a partial success (4 +3).   This is a moment of triumph, but also one of somber self-reflection: “I’m most successful when throwing things.” The Robot gains a point of Momentum on its sack of gadgets.  

The Lady in Blue values a clean plan with no complications. She ties a rope around her body and climbs onto the train’s roof. From the raised vantage point, she’s able to see the way out of the Rail Labyrinth. She rolls a success, lowering the Rail Labyrinth’s Danger to 0.   Since the Lonesome Seafarer and the Lady in Blue both contributed to lowering the Rail Labyrinth’s Danger, one of them will receive a keepsake of the event. The GM rolls a die and the Seafarer reflects on her newfound respect for infrastructure engineers. They can be right jerks! The keepsake also provides one rank to her Navigator trait.  

The Lonesome Seafarer and the Lady in Blue are a good team. They guided the train through the Rail Labyrinth with flying colors. It’s almost like being back at sea. Something about their teamwork is familiar.   The pair share a flashback where they decide to set out for Cerebos together. The Lady in Blue may have seen someone who matched Scurvy’s description, while the Lonesome Seafarer has heard tales of the Lady in Red. It’s not so bad, traveling together.   The Lady in Blue’s hat gains the Tying up Loose Ends trait, while the Seafarer’s coat gains Old Friends Not Forgotten.

The Lady in Blue and the Lonesome Seafarer have both experienced three flashbacks. The players talk among themselves to determine which of the two stories they want to see take center stage. After some back and forth, they decide the Lady in Blue’s tale of revenge is the most compelling, so she becomes the story’s Seeker.

The other travelers weigh in on the Lady in Blue’s dilemma. Do they want to be Saints, encouraging her of the righteousness of her quest to bring an end to her sister, or are they Demons, forces of caprice and change?

The Lonesome Seafarer is a Demon: she’s not one to support the killing of a long-lost family member, as she’s been looking for one of those herself, in a manner of speaking. The Unqualified Robot is a Saint. It’s been radicalized by its journey, and violence has been more effective than words in producing optimal results. Tinderling is likewise a Saint. Sometimes people need to make hard decisions to clear ground for a worthwhile future.

From here, the journey embarks upon its final leg: the Lady in Blue has been identified as the story’s protagonist, and the others will act in their capacity as Saints and Demons to shape how her story ends. In the third and final post in this series, we’ll see what end that is!

[gongju-juice]

7. Once Upon a Southern Night

Still Stuck in 1863

Warnings: Language, Mentions of a miscarriage, all of the usual

That night, you had the strangest, most desirable nightmare of your entire life.

You were barefoot,  laying in a bed of flowers wearing a long black dress and white apron. By your side, he was there. But instead of his brilliant red eyes, they were the peaceful color of a bluish gray. On his stomach rested his top hat and he was dressed in the finest clothes; clothes no regular person should have been lounging around in.

“P-Preston?”

He turned on his side and looked up at you, his hand absentmindedly rubbing circles on your flat middle. Bending down, he pressed a kiss to your forehead.

“Yes, dear. I’m here.”

“I. . .” you looked around the clearing. It was early in the afternoon, the golden rays peeking through the oak trees above you. In the distance, rows of cotton stood out against the brown field. “Is this. . .a dream. . .or a memory?”

“Neither,” he murmured. “This is a vision. We are talking together in real-time while you are asleep. Everything around us is what home used to look like.”

“How. . .is this possible?”

He caressed your face with his other hand, gazing into your eyes like he was a moth drawn to a light. 

“This is what life should’ve been like. Your mom and the aunties should have been making clothes for the baby, and I should’ve been preparing our home in Pensacola. Instead, I was dragged out to war for what would be the final time I’d ever see you.”

You shook your head, sitting up in the bed of dandelions. “Home? I would be a slave if that would’ve come to fruition. You would’ve married Abigail, and I’d be your negro mistress sleeping in the shack outside with our biracial children.”

He grimaced at his former fiance’s name. No matter what he said, the truth would always be the same. Your love was never equal, he owned you. His family owned you from the moment you were born. You were not his lover. You were his slave.

“I would’ve bought your freedom. Mother could not really force me to marry that woman. I wouldn’t have put up with it—not in a million years. I wanted to dress you in the finest clothes, drape you in jewels. At one time, you wouldn’t have hesitated to believe me.”

He gently pushed you back down to the earth and hovered over your middle before placing a series of kisses on your covered navel.

“We were going to name her Sarah,” he said with a sad note of laughter. “If she was a girl. And if he was a boy—”

“Clyde,” you whispered. “Oh, Preston—Preston, I remember it all. Everything!”

He took you in his heart, and you heard his wild heartbeat clear and strong. The flood of memories was overwhelming, and all you could do was sob in his chest. You remembered catching lightning bugs in the twilight, him secretly teaching you how to read under the stairs. You remembered making love in his bedroom—how the other slaves on the plantation resented his favoritism. 

You remembered missing your periods three consecutive months in a row. You remembered his face as you told him, how he lifted you in his arms. You remembered when Major Whitlock arrived and took him away, how he left you with only a little picture of him in a tiny locket.

You remembered his furious mother, and how she incurred her wrath on you any chance she got. You remembered when she knocked you unconscious, blood spilling between your legs when she told you her plans. You remembered your mother’s cold hands and the pain—

How you cried. How you wished for him to come and take your pain away. And your vengeful mother. She spoke nonsense in your ear as you were dying on her straw mattress. She chanted in the candle dim light of your cabin, and the next thing you knew—

You were being tickled in your adopted mother’s arms. 

“Do you know?” you choked. “Do you know what your mother did to me?”

His eyes lowered, hands falling to clasp your wrists. “I didn’t find out until twenty years later. . .when I could finally stand to be near a human without wanting to rip their throat out.”

“Did you know. . .that she killed our baby? That she wanted to send me up to Charleston so Abigail and her folks wouldn’t know?”

Tears threatened to spill from his eyes as he turned away. As he did, a butterfly rose from a lonesome bluebell.

“If I would have been there, I wouldn’t have let that happen,” he growled. “And it’s all Jasper Whitlock’s fault. If he wouldn’t have dragged me out to—”

“No,” you said, “you wanted to go to war. You wanted to bring honor to your family and  keep slaves from being free so you could bathe in your money. Don’t act like the victim, Preston. Don’t act like I don’t remember how cruel you were when the abolitionists showed up in Mobile.”

He shook his head, whirling back around to face your tear-stained face. “It was a different time, Y/N, Why does that excuse work for Jasper and not for me? It was my right—”

“And you still think it is!” you snapped. “You think you’re entitled to me because of the past, because of a flawed love we used to share. Jasper has acknowledged things have changed, and he’s changed with time. But you—you’re still stuck in 1863.”

“No!” he shouted ferociously, and suddenly his eyes flickered from river blue to blazing red. “I lost the life I should’ve had! He stole that from me! He deserves to pay, to feel every ounce of suffering I felt all those years.”

“Has he not suffered as I have?” you cried. “He was a slave to Maria, just like I was a slave to you!”

His eyes closed, and he struggled to regain his composure. You saw through the illusion quickly. He must’ve enlisted the powers of a witch to fabricate this false reality. Your love for Preston was real, but your fear of him was even stronger. You gave yourself to him out of necessity. To refuse your master. . .it was not something a black woman did and got away to tell the story.

“It doesn’t matter how you feel,” he said after a while. “I will make you love me again as you did once before. You’ll see—once I destroy Jasper and all of his family, you will have nobody else but me.”

The dream evaporated and suddenly you were in the middle of the living room, your family and guests all standing over you as she gasped violently.

“Y/N!” Jasper called, holding you in your arms as you came to. Your mother was about to inject an IV needle into your vein while Carlisle tried to determine the cause of your sudden collapse.

“Mom? Jas? I—” you tried to sit up but you were promptly held in place.

“Just breathe, darlin’,” Jasper instructed. “I’ll move you in a minute. It’s okay, I got you.”

You attempted to weakly lift up your hand to his cold face. And that’s when you knew. Nothing or no one could ever separate you from him. Jasper was the only man you loved; the only man you needed. If he was the light, you were his shadow. If you were the night, he was the star that made it brighter.

“Y/N, this is really important,” your sister said, bending down on her knees to get closer to you. “What happened while you were gone?” Behind her Zacarias stood looking very concerned, his hand on her shoulder.

You shook your head, trying to find a way to say the words. “It was him, and we were. . .back in the past.”

Jasper’s jaw clenched and he looked towards the ceiling. If he were human, you could tell he would be crying by now. 

“He’s got a witch on his side,” Zacarias confirmed, crossing his arms. “And whoever it is, they must be good. It’s hard to make telepathic communications for more than a few moments at a time, especially from such a far distance.”

“Then what can we do?” Peter asked, looking at the Cullens in desperation. “These witches. . .we’ve never faced anything like them before. And the newborn armies will still be coming on top of that.”

Ava massaged the palm of your hand comfortingly, slowly, your energy began to come back. But Jasper still would not let you move.

“Witches are not infallible. It looks like he’s only got one on his side—maybe two if he’s lucky. As long as they’re at a far enough distance, well protected by the armies, they can do much damage to any specific target. The concentration that’s needed for combat is ridiculously difficult, and they can only focus on a few people at once. But that’s why Zach and I are here. We can hold off their attacks while you guys take care of the armies.”

Jasper finally spoke up, shifting you so that you were held firmly in his embrace. “We’ve got just a week-and-a-half to get in tip-top shape and make things right. I don’t care what I have to do, Ava, I won’t let Y/N get hurt. I would die if it meant her freedom, and if it that’s what it takes to end this all, then don’t hesitate to sacrifice me for the greatest cause—”

“No!” you objected. “If you die, I’m dying with you! I don’t want to be in this world without you, Jasper. It wouldn’t even be a life anymore! Please don’t say that, please don’t leave me alone!”

Carlisle kindly ushered the guests to the door, and left the two of you alone in the house.

“Your happiness is my only priority. And if you want to be with him. . .then you should,” he whispered painfully. “I deserve to pay for the suffering and heart I’ve caused others. I could’ve sent Preston away with the others when we were leaving that fateful night. He didn’t have to die, as I did.”

“You didn’t die,” you insisted. “It was the first stage of your metamorphosis. He died that night. He could never get over what he’d lost then and even now. That’s not your fault. He could choose to be happy, but yet he only desires the suffering over others. He told me he didn’t care about my happiness but you—”

You didn’t have to finish your statement, the both of you knew in your hearts. 

“I love you so much, baby!” you sobbed, clinging onto his shirt desperately. “I don’t want him, or any of the life we had before. You are my now, and you are my future.”

He buried his face into your shoulder, rocking you on the cold living room floor. 

“And I love you too, darlin’. I love you so much.”

The truth is guys, I haven’t posted in a while because I’ve been so depressed lately. This world is so evil, and I just feel like how can I post when they are literally people protesting in the streets, people dying, and the world in chaos??

Anyway, fanfiction is an escape these days. It always had been, now moreso than ever. I know I’m just an amateur, but if I can make someone forget their worries for even five minutes, I’m honored.

Stay safe, mah bois.

Part Five    Part Six   Part Eight

[snowflakeblogs]

The Life of Number Eight

Fandoms: The Try Guys (Web Series), The Umbrella Academy (TV)

Pairings: Eugene Lee Yang/Zach Kornfeld, Ben Hargreeves/Number Five | The Boy

Summary: This is the story of how Zach Kornfeld became Number Eight of The Umbrella Academy.

-=+=-

Zach… Zach had always been special. And not in the way where your parents told you you were special because that’s what all parents did. No, he was… different, always had been. He learned to blend in though, hide this part of himself, this so-called “gift” he had been given. Sometimes it was hard to hide it though when it was staring you right in the face.

From a young age, he was always sensitive. He used to tell his parents that he heard these voices in his head; they were always so loud. They would sometimes make him cry if he was around a lot of people. He just wanted it to stop, all he had wanted was for the voices to go away. He didn’t mean to wreak his entire bedroom during a Christmas party, even though he hadn’t touched anything.

When he was eight years old, his parents finally told him the truth. On October 1st, 1989, 43 women gave birth around the world. There was nothing unusual about these births, except for the fact that none of these women were pregnant before the day began. His mother was one of these women.

At the time, they had already had his sister but weren’t planning on having another child for a while. Even if they weren’t at all prepared for him, they played it off as a secret pregnancy in fear that people would take him away. When people questioned the day of his birth, they would always say it was a coincidence.

His parents told him that because of his unique birth, he was born with these powers. They had no idea why he had them, and they also had no idea how to control them. In fear of his and everyone else’s safety, his parents contacted Reginald Hargreeves, a man who had supposedly obtained seven children who were just like him. Reginald was all the more happy to take him in.

After some testing done by Reginald, it was found that Zach had an array of psychic powers, which included telekinesis, mind-reading, mental manipulation, telepathy, and empathy. It was then agreed that Zach would live with Reginald and the children for ten months of the year, and would go back to his family for two months in the summer. His parents said it would be just like a boarding school.

That was how Zach became Number Eight.

Being around the other children was interesting to say the least. He was like a lone wolf joining a new pack, not understanding any of the dynamics of how to act around them. The children were excited oddly enough. They had never been around a kid their own age that wasn’t themselves, let alone someone like them.

The Academy was nothing like Zach expected it to be. It was super strict and Zach wasn’t sure how he felt being around Reginald or being called Number Eight. Number One was nice to him, but he didn’t really spend that much time with him. He often liked to help Number Two with his stutter, which helped them become closer. He and Number Three liked talking about movies, specifically the hot actors and actresses starring in them.

Number Four was the person he spent the most time with, as they both had similar personalities. He didn’t really spend that much time with Number Five, as he mostly spent it with Number Six and Number Seven, but he did occasionally have a good conversation with him. Number Six was shy, but they bonded really well over books, especially the Harry Potter series; you can never go wrong with that.

He quite enjoyed spending time with Number Seven, although Reginald tried to make sure he spent as little time as possible with her; he did try to when he could though. Pogo and Grace were both very kind to him, treating him as if he had always been there.

Getting used to a whole new set of rules, a whole new environment, a whole new routine, and being without his parents was hard. Especially for an eight-year-old. But as time went by, it got a lot easier, especially the control of his powers.

He loved and hated being at the Academy. The benefits were being able to control his powers and being around kids who were just like him. The downsides were that Reginald was a sick bastard and the training he put them through should have been considered illegal. He never told his parents though, not really knowing what to say to them anyway. They thought their son was being taught how to control his powers in a safe environment, he wasn’t about to tell them otherwise.

The children eventually got used to Zach being able to leave as well as having parents, which was something that they all resented him for at first. But he shared the love his parents gave to him with them, hating the fact that they never got to have a childhood like him. He would tell them about all sorts of things kids their age did, and he promised that one day he would show them all.

Ah, simpler times.

Later, near their tenth birthday, the children found out that they were allowed to receive a name. Well, everyone except Number Seven. Zach found that unfair, and complained about it to Number Four during the nights leading up to their birthday. Apparently, his complaints were heard as Number Seven did end up receiving a name, which made Reginald fume. The only problem was, that because Number Seven got a name, Number Five did not.

When he asked Ben about it, Ben said that Five had traded his name for Vanya’s. Because Reginald had only told Grace to name six of the children, he had told her not to name him and give it to her. Grace had agreed, as that would mean she technically wasn’t breaking the rules. Five had learned what he would have been named, but he had only told Ben about it and he was sworn not to tell anyone what it was. Even Zach himself, which really bugged him.

That was the year that individual training started. Thinking back on what everyone had to go through made him mad. Luther would always be pushed to his limits so much that he could barely move. Deigo would always be emotionally and physically drained, and sometimes he would come back covered in blood. Allison would lock herself in her room, not even letting Luther in; he could only imagine what she was forced to do.

He would always have to comfort Klaus every night after his individual training. Five’s was… he didn’t like to think too much about what Five went through, he always looked dead after training. Ben was always shaky and panicky after his and he could always hear Five talking in Ben’s room, comforting him, helping him keep The Horror at bay; for some weird reason, The Horror always listened to Five.

This was around the time he also suspected that there was something more going on between Ben and Five, but it wasn’t his business so he didn’t say anything. Vanya started having violin lessons, and whenever he would get the chance, he would listen in and give advice and compliments when she needed it.

Life was going okay, he felt like he had a better grasp of his powers and he had a family that could relate to him. Until suddenly, everything changed.

When they were 12, Reginald told them they would start using their training and putting it too good use. Turns out, that meant that they would become a group of popular superheroes that fought crime.

No one ever knew the new names they had been given, and no one knew that he was actually Zach Kornfeld. Instead, Reginald called them by their numbers, but instead of Zach being Number Eight, he was Number Seven. Zach knew that this was another way that Reginald tried to isolate Vanya from the rest of them, and he didn’t give in to it, instead, spending more time with her because of it.

The Umbrella Academy was a hit, everyone loved them and what they did, and anyone who questioned the legalness of it was immediately shushed. It continued like that for a while, and after getting used to the craziness, it wasn’t so bad.

Everything was fine, until Five disappeared.

After that, it all went downhill from there. Everyone was heartbroken over Five’s disappearance from dinner one night, never to return again. Vanya and Ben were the most wreaked, and only a few years later would it finally catch up to Ben. Without Five to keep The Horror at bay, Ben couldn’t hold it in any longer and was killed on a mission. The funeral was awful, and after that, Zach decided that it was time he left The Umbrella Academy behind.

And thus the group of superheroes was no more.

Allison was the only one making a big name for herself, leaving the house just shortly after him to pursue a career in Hollywood. Zach decided to get an online High School education and was so quick at it, it only took a year for him to complete. By the time he was 18, he was at a college for Film Production. Vanya was the first to leave at 18, packing everything up and cutting contact with everyone. Well, everyone except him.

Deigo left shortly after, applying to a Police Academy. Klaus just wandered off one day, living on the streets and doing drugs. Zach had always tried to stop him from doing them, but Klaus never listened. He would never do them when he was there though, so Zach ended up getting an apartment and sharing it with him.

His parents had helped pay it off, knowing that he was trying to help Klaus become sober. It had worked for a while, and he would eventually learn that Ben had been haunting Klaus’ ass ever since he had died. It was nice having two roommates, even if he couldn’t see Ben. All three of them had a great time together!

And then he moved to LA.

Zach always knew he wanted to work in the film industry, not really in front of the camera like Allison, but more of behind it. He felt awful leaving Klaus behind, but Klaus understood that he needed to do this, and thus he was off.

Life was great for him there, he got a career at Buzzfeed, and he would have secret meetups with Allison all the time. He never hung out with her in public though as he didn’t want people to know that he used to be that mind kid from The Umbrella Academy. He actually was the only one invited to her wedding, and he was the only one there for the birth of her child. She even named him one of the godparents! He found out later that Luther had never bothered to leave, and he continued doing missions for Reginald.

He had finally made a good life for himself, and he tried to keep in contact with his siblings as much as possible. Especially Vanya, as he knew she had a tendency to isolate herself. He thought life couldn’t get any better! That was until he joined The Try Guys.

Life only got crazier from there, and it was so hectic that it was affecting his relationship with his siblings. He couldn’t talk to all of them as much anymore because of how busy he was. The only people he actively still talked to were Allison and Vanya. It was something he always regretted, allowing his relationships to get like this.

Even if he got super close with Eugene, Ned and Keith, he never told them his biggest secret. He had lied about his birthday to them, telling them it was on October 2nd instead of the 1st, as to prevent any suspicions. Weirdly enough, he actually grew closest to Eugene, having a bond that he didn’t have with Keith and Ned.

He loved all of them as friends, but Eugene was something different for him, more than a friend. He knew from a young age he was bisexual, something he never said out loud, but he would eventually confess it to them when he was drunk. After that, Eugene started to flirt with him, and weirdly enough he flirted back. It was so bad that their friends set them up on a date because neither of them were making a move.

It worked out great, and after dating Eugene for a while, he trusted him enough to tell him his secret. Eugene took it pretty well, he admitted that he never really got into The Umbrella Academy that much when he was a kid, but he said that it didn’t change how he felt about him.

It felt nice having someone else know about his powers. He would always go to him to complain about feeling everyone’s emotions and Eugene would sometimes get him to read people’s minds for fun. They would even have secret conversations in their heads, as well as Eugene would make Zach grab stuff for him with his mind when he was lazy.

He also got to meet his sister. Allison and Eugene bonded so well which was a relief. Besides their personalities, they were both very similar in a lot of ways, so it worked out quite nicely.

Then came Vanya’s book.

Zach completely freaked out when the book came out, not knowing that Vanya was going to be writing this. Turns out she didn’t tell him everything after all. Fortunately, she never mentioned his name in the book, saying that he knew he wanted his privacy and would never want people to know who he was. The world just got the basic story about him, and Vanya praised him really well in the book which was nice. He really couldn’t say the same for the rest of his siblings.

Also, turns out Ben and Five were dating. Vanya admitted to finding out by accident after she walked in on Ben over top of Five and them making out. They told her that it was one of the ways that helped keep The Horror at bay because it made “it” feel loved. But she also said that they had this special bond with each other, and if they were both alive, they probably would be married by now. Huh, guess he was right about them.

Unfortunately, someone hired a private investigator and figured out his identity. That was… a bad day. All of his siblings found out before him that someone was going to be publishing an article about his identity. They tried warning him, but he was on a Try Guys shoot when they called. Vanya and Deigo immediately flew down to LA and Allison went to pick them up from the Airport. Their mission was to take him out of his workplace before people found out.

They missed it though, and when he walking out of the shoot to find everyone watching the same news people, his mind went blank. Everyone just stared as he walked back to his desk to see what everyone was watching. Keith and Ned were the ones to react first, freaking out slightly that they had been lied to. They got even madder when they found out Eugene knew.

It was too much, the feeling of all the anger from them, and suddenly his block for reading people’s minds was released and all he could hear was people’s thoughts. Let’s just say… he accidentally trashed the entire Buzzfeed Headquarters. Eugene had tried to calm him down but failed miserably and everyone had to duck and cover from all the items in the room getting thrown around.

That was around the time Allison, Diego and Vanya came into the building. Allison did the same thing she used to do when he got like this: “I HEARD A RUMOUR THAT YOU WENT TO SLEEP.”

He doesn’t remember the next few months very much. He knows that after Eugene brought him and his siblings to his apartment that they stayed with him till it blew over. Vanya blamed herself, but Zach made sure that she knew it wasn’t her fault. He was eventually allowed to go back to work without any problems, and after having a long conversation with Keith and Ned, they forgave him for keeping it a secret and apologized for freaking out.

Even if they had only been doing videos for almost two years, and he and Eugene had only been dating for six months, he knew that this friendship and relationship was meant to last forever. Luther had texted him making sure he was okay, and they had small conversations before they stopped altogether. He would later learn that Reginald had sent him to the moon for a mission.

The next couple of years were rough working at Buzzfeed now that his co-workers knew. If it wasn’t for the guys, he doesn’t think he would have survived them. Then 2018 came and they finally went solo. It was also the year that Eugene proposed to him, and they finally came out to their fans as a couple. This was also around the time that he rarely talked to his siblings anymore because of the workload.

Looking back on his life, he knows it had its ups and downs, but he wouldn’t trade it for anything. If there was one thing he regretted though, it was letting his siblings fall apart. When he first met them, he considered them friends, but they later became his family. Even if none of them but Luther and Five were biologically related, it didn’t matter to them. It’s just like how he considered The Try Guys family, even if it is a bit different.

He wouldn’t trade any of them for the world.

And just when his life couldn’t get any crazier, Reginal Hargreeves was pronounced dead near the end of March 2019.

-=+=-

“Are you sure you should be going?” a deep male voice called from the bedroom doorway. Zach turned his head from packing to look at the face of his fiancé.

“Yeah, someone needs to prevent everyone from killing each other,” he said with a small laugh. Eugene rolled his eyes at him before walking over to him and pulling him into a hug.

Eugene was only ever affectionate with him.

Zach embraced the hug, sighing into Eugene’s chest. “I’ll be fine. You don’t have to worry about me,” Zach mumbled. Eugene kissed him on the head, “I always worry about you” he mumbled back.

They just stayed like that for a while, before Zach let go of the hug to continue packing. Eugene went to go sit on the bed, “So, when’s your flight with Allison tomorrow?”

After the divorce, Allison got an apartment near him, and they had decided that they would fly from LA to New York together. “It’s 7:30 AM. We have to leave here at around 5 AM” he replied, grabbing some more clothes to put into the luggage.

“Why so early?” Eugene asked, sitting up against the headboard of the bed. Zach walked over to Eugene and crawled into his lap, giving him a kiss on the lips. “The quicker I get there, the quicker I can come home to you,” he said giving him a loving smile.

Eugene rolled his eyes, “That’s so cheesy, even for you.” Zach kissed him on the lips again, “You know you love me” he said before crawling off his lap and continuing packing. “That’s what you like to think” Eugene replied, before getting out of their bed.

“Anyway, when you’re done packing, come and meet me in the living room and we’ll watch a movie together,” Eugene said before giving him a peck on the lips and walking away. Eugene knew just what to do to make him feel better.

It wasn’t really Reginald’s funeral he was more worried about, he never really considered him more than a teacher. It was his siblings seeing each other after the publishing of Vanya’s book he was more concerned about.

Even though he, Five and Ben got out of the fire free, Deigo, Allison, Luther and Klaus weren’t portrayed in a good light, and he had no idea how any of them were going to react around each other. If it wasn’t Five or Ben, it was usually him who was the peacekeeper amongst the siblings.

Zach… Zach was nervous. He didn’t think he would be, but he was. He just felt like something was going to happen. He couldn’t tell if it was good or bad or not. And that scared him. He’s been through so much in his life, both good and bad things.

He could only hope that his siblings and he would be able to rekindle their relationships together. He regrets being so busy and not spending enough time with them, but they’re adults now and have their own lives, and that’s what makes it harder.

He hears a beep come from his phone just as he finishes packing. It was a text from Allison.

To: Zach From: Allison

Am I the only one freaking out about tomorrow?

Zach smiles at that.

To: Allison From: Zach

Nope, completely terrified. There are so many things that could go wrong. Have you seen our family?

“BABE, YOU COMING?” Eugene’s voice called from the living room. “YEAH, JUST GIVE ME ONE SEC” he yells back. Zach quickly shuts his luggage and puts it on the floor before walking into the living room.

He puts his phone on the table and sits down on the couch, cuddling up to Eugene as the movie starts to play. He then hears a vibration from the table but he chooses to ignore it, favouring spending time with his boyfriend.

To: Zach From: Allison

Yeah, you're right XD I’m sure it’ll be fine though. I mean, what’s the worst that could happen?

Little did he know the adventure that waited for him at The Academy.

-=+=-

Note: Hey guys! I made this quite a while back when I went on a bit of a Try Guys binge. I actually had planned a series to this if it did really well, but since I suck at writing long fanfictions, I just decided to start off with a One-Shot that explained the background to said fanfiction.

I really love The Umbrella Academy and I thought a crossover with The Try Guys would be interesting, especially because no one has done it before. If this continues, Zach and Five will become the main characters, as Zach is my favourite Try Guy (if you couldn't already tell), and Five is my favourite character of The Umbrella Academy.

Let me know if you would ever want more of this or if this is purely a one-off crossover? Who knows, maybe I'll add our favourite Ghoul Boys? Hmm, I quite like the idea of Shane being one of the 43.

Note 2: This is my first post on Tumblr so I hope you guys enjoyed it! 😇

-=+=-

All mistakes are my own.

Like/Reblog this if you enjoyed!

Ask me any questions if you are confused.

Bye bye Snowflakes! ❄️

-=+=-

• Repost from my Archive of Our Own Account •

[crazedlunatic]

Pranks and... Sex?

“Wanna mess with Daddy?”

Zach, who was laying on the stairs (literally on them, spread over at least six of them), looked up from the kitten he was holding. “Which one?”

“Both of them.” Nick grinned.

“That depends if it’s worth the glares and the whole ‘You’re supposed to be the good son’ thing.” Zach said, rolling onto his side as Sophie ran down the stairs yelling something about being late to book club.

“Could she be any more like Dad?” Nick asked.

“Mmh… well, she could have a penis? Dark, curly hair?” Zach suggested.

“Important things here.” Nick said going quiet as Kurt walked past the stairway. He waited ten seconds—like clockwork Kurt stepped back a few times, looked at Zach on the stairs, blinked a few times, and then went on about his business.

“I don’t know if I want to get on his bad side.” Zach admitted. “They’re still mad at me for drinking.”

“Pfft. Just do what I do. If they get annoyed, just go and stay at grand-bob’s house until they go to sleep. I may have actually gotten the idea by talking to him… lowkey. I evolved it to be so much better.”

“Grand-bobs’?”

“Well he gives me a look when I call him grandpa and gives me a look when I call him Bob…. Which is very confusing. By the way, still kind of annoyed it took them fourteen years to tell us he wasn’t our actual grandfather.”

“But he is our grandfather.” Zach shrugged.

“You’re getting distracted.”

“You brought it up.”

“Whatever. So apparently Charlie and Brady taught Miles to say a lot of inappropriate things when he was Kris’ age. He and grandma—Sarah?—his Sarah?— didn’t even find out until, like, ten years ago.” Nick said.

“Crap. I was supposed to call Sarah at six.” Zach said and then shrugged. He waved from his still laying position when Kurt walked by back.  “My Sarah, obviously.”

“What… are you doing?” Kurt asked.

“Following in Dad’s footsteps of sitting and laying places I shouldn’t?” Zach leaned up a bit so he could see Kurt and waved..

“Don’t come to me when Kris runs down and steps on your head.” Kurt gave him a look before going back into the other room.

“Jokes on him. He already stepped on my head twice.” Zach pushed himself into a sitting position and then gasped, “Did you hear that meow? It’s so cute.”

“Focus. Are you in?”

“You’re the one that has no poker face.” Zach pointed out, sitting the kitten on his head. “They believe almost anything I say.”

“Yeah that’s why you have to help. I have no problem lying if I didn’t actually do it and you poker face half the time when you say you’re going to the vet but you’re really going to bang Sarah, so…”

Zach glared at him as Kris came down the stairs.

“Hey, Kris. Can you do something for me?” Zach asked when Kris was next to them.

“Am I going to get into trouble?” Kris asked warily.

But it was Zach asking and not Nick, so…

“No. You won’t. It’ll actually be hilarious.” Zach said.

“Okay!” Kris shrugged, looking between his twin brothers.

“So, dinner will be done soon and when it is, I want you to ask them if they’ve ever done a sixty-niner.” Zach said very calmly.

“What’s that?” Kris tilted his head, looking exactly like a little Kurt… which he pretty much was.

“I’m not sure but they’ll probably tell you.” Zach said.

“… Do I get a dollar?”

“What do you mean, do you get a dollar?” Nick asked.

“Grandpa said if you two are together and asking me to do something, I better get a dollar to make it worth my while.”

Zach shot Nick a look and handed Kris a dollar bill.

“Pleasure doing business with you.” Kris bounced up and down before carefully (and adoably) folding his dollar bill evenly and putting it in his little jeans pocket.

“Grandpa or Grandbob?” Zach asked.

“Could be either honestly…” Nick shrugged.

Blaine walked in the door, looking half asleep. He stopped in front of them, looking at the kitten on Zach’s head.

“What? Don’t act like you’re surprised.” Zach said.

“It’s so cute.” Blaine came over, bent down, and picked it up. “Is it ours?”

“No. I’m taking care of it until it can be adopted.” Zach said. “Look at it’s white spot on it’s belly. It kind of looks like a star.”

Kurt came in and said, without even a greeting, “No more cats, Blaine.”

Blaine rolled his eyes as Kris walked up. “Daddy, is dinner done?”

“Yes.” Kurt ruffled Kris’ hair.

Kris scowled and then asked, “Have you ever done a sixty-niner?”

Kurt’s eyes widened in horror and Blaine doubled over, laughing hysterically.

“Where did you hear that?!”

“I dunno!” Kris shrugged. “What does it mean?”

“Yeah, Kurt. What’s it mean?” Blaine gasped.

“I’m going to kill Wes or Matt.” Kurt huffed, going back into the kitchen.

“Which one was it?” Blaine asked several seconds later after standing up straight and catching his breath.

“I dunno!” Kris giggled before running upstairs.

“I bet it was Matt.” Zach said smoothly. “I think Kris was boring him last weekend.”

“Matt’s my favorite.” Blaine said cheerfully, going into the kitchen.

Nick gave Zach a look and then grinned.

…

“What now?” Kris held his hand out when the twins came into his bedroom.

“We have a joke for you to ask.” Nick said. He then looked at Zach. “It’s so old, they’ll never assume it was us.”

Kris looked at them suspiciously. “Two dollars.”

Zach gave Nick a look.

“Fine.” Nick huffed, handing him two dollars. “Repeat after me, Kris. ‘What is Bill Clinton’s favorite musical instrument?’”

Kris did as told.

“Harmonica.”

“’Harmonica.’”

Zach covered his mouth to keep from laughing out loud as they heard steps upstairs.

“Now, now, now!” Nick ushered Kris out of the room.

There was silence and they weren’t sure if Kris had done it until they heard Blaine laugh—or, cackle— loudly and Kurt yell, “WHO TOLD YOU THAT?!”

“Grandpa.” They heard Kris chirp without missing a beat and then they heard a bang.

“Blaine, you better go and talk to Bob right now. What if he says this at daycare?!” Kurt exclaimed.

“H-Harmonica.” Blaine gasped out through laughs.

“…. So now they think Bob is behind it?” Nick sulked.

“No. This is so much better than we could have hoped for!” Zach said. “You know Dad won’t say anything to Bob. This could literally go on for years… or until we run out of money or… he stops listening to us.”

…

“I don’t wanna do it anymore. Daddy won’t let me use the money. He says it’s dirty money.” Kris whined when Nick came into his room.

“He said it’s dirty money?”

“Yeah but I thought all money is dirty ‘cause you’re supposed to wash your hands after you touch it… only once I accidentally forgot and ate a booger… but I didn’t die!”

“Okay, now I see Dad’s influence.” Nick said thoughtfully.

“RYAN!” Kris squealed, running to hug Nick’s best friend who had just came in.

“Hey, Tony!” Ryan scooped him up.

“Nicky and Zachy are trying to make me do bad things.” Kris’ voice was solemn. “Also, please call me Kris.”

“Yeah. They tried to get me to kill a guy in Reno once.” Ryan said with a very serious expression on his face.

Kris’ blue eyes widened and he started at Nick in horror.

“It’s not true.” Nick rolled his eyes.

“Come on. Who are you going to believe?” Ryan said. He then whispered loudly, “I mean, he likes boys. Isn’t that icky?”

“I like boys too! Just like my daddies!”

“Yeah, maybe you should wait until you’re at least seven to make declarations like that.” Nick said and looked at Ryan. “Did my baby brother just come out to you before I’ve even come out to the soccer team?”

“I think so but do kids really know that early? You didn’t.” Ryan shrugged and put Kris down. “What do you want him to do?”

“Dude, can you stay for dinner?” Nick gasped.

“Do you think I show up fifteen minutes before dinner time when my parents work late because I want to see you?” Ryan gave him a look.

“Okay. They can’t even blame this one on grandbob.”

“You have got to quit saying that. It’s too weird.” Ryan said.

“Yeah, it really bugs Dad so I’m going to keep it going for a while.”

Kris let out an exasperated sigh. “This is boring.”

“God, he’s Kurt.” Ryan looked at Nick.

“Yeah. That’s the consensus.” Nick nodded. “Okay, Kris. At dinner, Ryan is going to ask you want to be when you grow up.”

“BUTTERFLY!”

Ryan covered his face, laughing.

“You can totally do that but you have to tell him you want to work at McDonalds. Okay?”

“Daddy says that stuff is bad for you.” Kris scrunched up his nose.

“Yeah well Daddy bit a mailman when he was around your age so don’t trust everything he says.” Nick said.

“Well Daddy says I shouldn’t trust everything you say too, Nicky.”

Nick scoffed and walked downstairs with Ryan and Kris.

“Where’s Zach?” Kurt asked.

“I’m taking his place today.” Ryan said cheerfully.

“Where is Zach any time he isn’t here after school, Kurt?”  Blaine, who was getting over a cold, yawned.

“At the vet which means most likely with Sarah.” Kurt sighed, handing both Nick and Ryan a plate. “Ryan, do you spend every free moment with your girlfriend?”

“If my girlfriend’s name is Nick, yes.” Ryan said with a straight face.

“WAIT. ARE—”

“NO.” Blaine, Nick, and Ryan said at the same time.

“I would be much more into Zach anyway. He actually shuts up every once in a while and lets someone else get a word in.” Ryan, who was used to Kurt wanting Nick to date him since finding out Nick was gay, was not even bothered.

“My words are important.” Nick huffed.

“Hey, Kris! What do you want to be when you grow up?” Ryan asked.

Kris, who had just swallowed a bite of spaghetti, sent Nick a look and said, “I want to work at McDonalds.”

“Blaine, you better call Bob right now because he is trying to ruin my life! Did you hear that?” Kurt looked at Blaine with wide eyes.

“Bob said it wasn’t him. I asked after the prostitute comment in his art class.” Blaine shrugged.

“Kris, do you really want to work at McDonalds?” Kurt asked.

Kris looked at Nick who nodded.

“Yes, Daddy. Miss Anna says someone has to do it. I am someone.”

Blaine looked at Ryan and then made eye contact with Nick.

Nick tilted his head a bit, trying to look innocent.

“Anthony Kristian Anderson-Hummel, who is telling you to say this stuff?”

“Adrian?” Kris asked sweetly.

“No.” Kurt said.

“Matt?”

“No.”

“Wes?”

“No.”

Nick looked down at his phone the buzzed.

A text from Kurt, sent to both he and Zach.

Busted.

Zach immediately responded with a gif of a very surprised cat and then another one with a dog that looked ashamed.

“Do I have to give the money back?” Kris sulked.

“No, Kris.” Kurt sighed.

Kris gigged and began to eat his macaroni and cheese.

“Now I feel bad for sending Bob a text telling him to quit corrupting my children.” Kurt sighed.

“Did you know he gave Zach the real sex talk? You know, the one about sex with a girl that wasn’t from a gay man?” Nick asked cheerfully. “Pretty sure Zach did it like five days later.”

“What’s sex?” Kris asked, looking up from his plate as Kurt began to cough.

“The best thing you will ever experience.” Blaine said without hesitation.

“Blaine!”

“SORRY!”

“Is Zach really—”

“Yes.” Blaine and Nick said together.

“Great. She’ll be pregnant by the time they graduate.” Kurt sighed.

“Nah. Trust me, he’s pretty stocked up.”

“Can you not say these things in front of your brother?!” Kurt asked.

Sophie, who had been reading while she ate, looked up. “Say what?”

“Ryan, is your house this dysfunctional?” Blaine asked.

“No… but I’m an only child, so…”

“Daddy, what I really want to be when I grow up is a butterfly.” Kris informed him, smiling excitedly.

“Honey, you can’t be a—” Kurt trailed off seeing Kris’ crestfallen face. “Butterfly without a costume.”

“Can I get one with my dirty money?!”

“Yes.” Kurt nodded.

“Can I move in?” Ryan asked as Zach walked in. “This is so much better than my house. Our dogs aren’t even amusing.”

“You.” Kurt pointed at him. “You, me, and Blaine are talking tonight.”

“What did I do? I filled up the gas.” Zach groaned.

“Your stock.” Kurt gave him a look. “See what happens when you mess around with your little brother? It’s called karma and you better be being safe because if she gets pregnant—”

Zach turned, glaring at Blaine. “Oh my God, Daddy. We are not having this conversation.”

“Uh, we are.”

“Fine. I’ll talk to Finn.”

“No. Not Wes, not David, and definitely not Bob.”

“This is unfair and I bet money I’m not the only person under 18 having it too.”

Both Kurt and Blaine whipped their heads to look at Nick.

“Been there, done that. No thanks.” Nick said.

Kurt glanced at Sophie, who was reading again, and then looked back to Nick. “You better be using protection.”

Ryan and Zach looked at each other, amused, as Sophie kept on reading.

Blaine titled his head, looking at her, and then shook his own head before going to get seconds of the lasagna as Logan came in.

“Ready, Soph?”

“Hi, Logan.” Kurt smiled. “At least I can trust yours and Sophie’s judgement.”

Logan’s eyes widened and he nodded, shooting the twins and Ryan a nervous look.

“Gotta go, bye!” Sophie kissed Kurt’s cheek and literally pushed Logan out the back door. Zach heard her hiss, “I don’t know why he said that! Oh my God!”

Kurt sighed, picking up Kris and going back into the kitchen for more food as well.

“Anyone else feel pretty depressed that Sophie lost her virginity before all of us?” Ryan asked. “Just me? Okay.”

“Not just you.” Zach and Nick said together, looking annoyed.

“Good to know.”

[obeetlebeetle]

Do all the dnd asks!

1. A favorite character you have played.

done!

2. Your favorite character that someone else has played.

o my god.. this is so hard, my group makes really good characters! for each of them:zach - nickels!! trauma child kenku weirdo who sold their soul to talk.. who grew up to be an angry pirate who adopted a child on impulse.ari - lael, obviously. they have a half-elf complex, a good chunk of their personality is being the kid that catches lizards, and they have a robot arm.lemon - honestly? jj devinyl. i mean, john mulaney as a tiefling cleric who loves his wife and is also going completely insane? yeah.bree - i.. love layla. she’s a good-aligned cleric to an evil god and her and kellan are the cutest couple in dnd tbh.connor - guardian is a robot.

3. Your favorite side quest.

o fuck!! y’all.. it’s bufo. it’s the fact that my talking toad npc was so lovable that they unlocked the quest in which his mother hunts him down and tries to kill him so that she can live forever. they killed her ofc and bufo was untransformed into a handsome.. halfling.

4. Your current campaign.

i’m running a murder mystery set aboard an airship! with strong cosmic horror elements! and i’m playing in a large-scale epic about spies caught up in the very start of a continent-wide war.

5. Favorite NPC.

also a very hard question. on one hand, jean is my actual boyfriend and also a literal angel assassin. on the other hand, nika is a child god trapped in an amulet whose super god power makes people trip which is so fucking funny. back around to the first hand, which is now the third, aengus is so well-done as a villain that he’s almost scared me in my real-life actual heart and yet he’s an a huge loser with breakup trauma, which is objectively also so fucking funny. on my fourth hand, fela is my most important npc who i’m probably in love with and she’s been in every one of my campaigns. on my FIFTH hand--

6. Favorite death (monster, player character, NPC, etc).

done!

7. Your favorite downtime activity.

done!

8. Your favorite fight/encounter.

that time nasuada beat lumley up in her own dumb-ass head, and lumley’s response was to find this super hot.

9. Your favorite thing about D&D.

getting together and spending time with my friends! or maybe that it lets me be creative without the stress writing gives me.

10. Your favorite enemy and the enemy you hate the most.

fav enemy is def aengus!! like wow he’s fucking terrifying!! and i hate yin&yang the most, they were so creepy and cruel and they were never really punished.

11. How often do you play and how often would you ideally like to play?

i dm once a week these days, and i play sporadically. thesis year has been hard on me! but ideally i would love to dm twice a week and play in one or two steady campaigns, or dm once a week with regular one-shot sessions!

12. Your in game inside jokes/memes/catchphrases and where they came from.

o.. there’s a lot?? my favorite is “honeyclaw pissed on lenthol” bc our barbarian thought it would be a good idea to climb into the robot piloted by the “big bad” (or so we thought at the time), and then to sell her bluff that she was looking for the bathroom, she just...... pissed herself >:(

13. Introduce your current party.

as a dm: lael (half-elf magitechnician who bases their mad science off of cool bugs); guardian (robot paladin on his third life, basically robocop with light existential crises); senhora (brash and kind-hearted by turns, an elf who [REDACTED] before becoming a ranger and bonding w a wolf); jj devinyl (a tiefling cleric who does stand-up comedy and loves his wife); and percy (an android with identity issues, driven by curiosity, and love for magic, and literally no qualms about threatening to kill her friends).

as a player:rowan (the last prince of a lost kingdom and also the saddest, gayest boy in town); ko&kokumo (my elf boy whose soul split in two after leaving his warlock patron, driven by nosiness and romance respectively); honeyclaw (a tabaxi pro-wrestler who deserted her life as a child soldier, pissed on lenthol); peitho (the surprisingly wholesome god of sex, was kinda into the tactics of being a spy before he got distracted by p*ssy); and lumley (the dumbest baby lesbian ever o my god, she’s the daughter of a powerful river goddess and she still can’t get a date).

14. Introduce any other parties you have played in or DM-ed.

that would take me one million years.

15. Do you have snacks during game times?

yeah!! traditionally we take a halfway break at 9 and all go get snacks together, it’s great.

16. Do you play online or in person? Which do you prefer?

i prefer in person, but we play online a lot, and we’ll have to be only online once we graduate.

17. What are some house rules that your group has?

we round up score mods from odds and we don’t pay attention to like.. most of the little rules. it’s more abt the storytelling. (which is why we may switch to a different system if i can seduce them away.)

18. Does your party keep any pets?

o yeah, i think almost every group has had an animal companion. and if not, zach always plays a furry.

19. Do you or your party have any dice superstitions?

a lot of us roll specific sets for each character! 

20. How did you get into D&D? How long have you been playing?

i got into dnd in high school bc i liked a boy who watched community, and then i watched community, and the dnd episode fucking rocked. never got past making characters and one botched attempt at a session. then in my first year of college, i joined the dnd club and i’ve been playing since! so like, three years and some change.

21. Have you ever regretted something your character has done?

ya lol i play very much how my character would act and tho that usually goes well for me.. ko wanted to break his pact with aengus despite the Consequences and i didn’t. but overall i think the outcome has been a lot of fun!

22. What color was your first dragon?

silver! just introduced them, actually!

23. Do you use premade modules or original campaigns?

all original, baby.

24. How much planning/preparation do you do for a game?

a ton. as a dm i write........ a lot. i want to have a lot of vivid characters, solid plots, and a huge interwoven world. so my docs are always huge and take me months to finish. 

as a player i do less bc players just inherently have far less to do. but i still try put a ton into really developing my character so i can play them more naturally.

For DMs

25. What have your players done that you never could have planned for?

in my first campaign, i used a lot of weird memory spells to keep characters from remembering the big bad, because him being unremembered was a HUGE plot point for me. i had two different groups playing in the city at the same time, and one of them.... had this dragonborn who just liked to talk to plants and who hated nobles, and who fucking cast MAGIC MOUTH on their FANNY PACK to record that big bad so that it COULDN’T BE FORGOTTEN. MAGIC MOUTH. THAT’S THE SPELL THAT BROKE ME.

26. What was your favorite scene to write and show your characters.

i’ve really liked a couple, but i know i haven’t topped the finale for my first campaign. after finally the groups finally came together and killed Shargaas, the city began to crumble around them, and they all watched me set a ten-minute timer for them to figure out how to get away with their lives.

27. Do you allow homebrew content?

o yea, i adore MFOV particularly.

28. How often do you use NPCs in a party?

o there are always a couple kicking around.

29. Do you prefer RP heavy sessions or combat sessions?

we don’t really.. do... that second thing....

30. Are your players diplomatic or murder hobos?

yes.

For Players

31. What is your favorite class? Favorite race?

o fuck. uh probably wizard. and i love................. half-elves.

32. What role do you like to play the most? (Tank/healer/etc?)

i really like long-distance damage dealers.

33. How do you write your backstory, or do you even write a backstory?

i always start with a concept and then i just write an entire novel ell em ay oh.

34. Do you tend pick weapons/spells for being useful or for flavor?

done!

35. How much roleplay do you like to do?

like, 70% rp, 30% jokes,

[oscopelabs]

Elvis, Truelove and the Stolen Boy: The Tragic Machismo of Nick Cassavetes’ ‘Alpha Dog’ by Amy Nicholson

[Last year, Musings paid homage to Produced and Abandoned: The Best Films You’ve Never Seen, a review anthology from the National Society of Film Critics that championed studio orphans from the ‘70s and ‘80s. In the days before the Internet, young cinephiles like myself relied on reference books and anthologies to lead us to films we might not have discovered otherwise. Released in 1990, Produced and Abandoned was a foundational piece of work, introducing me to such wonders as Cutter’s Way, Lost in America, High Tide, Choose Me, Housekeeping, and Fat City. (You can find the full list of entries here.) Our first round of Produced and Abandoned essays included Angelica Jade Bastién on By the Sea, Mike D’Angelo on The Counselor, Judy Berman on Velvet Goldmine, and Keith Phipps on O.C. and Stiggs. Today, Musings concludes our month-long round of essays about tarnished gems, in the hope they’ll get a second look. Or, more likely, a first. —Scott Tobias, editor.]

A decade before the presidency that elevated insults like “betacuck” and “soyboy” into political discourse, Nick Cassavetes made Alpha Dog, a cautionary tragedy about masculinity that audiences ignored. Time for a reappraisal. Alpha Dog is about a real murder. Over a three-day weekend in August of 2000, 15-year-old Zach Mazursky—in reality, named Nicholas Markowitz—is kidnapped and killed by the posse of 20-year-old San Fernando Valley drug dealer Johnny Truelove (Emile Hirsch) with a grudge against Zach’s older brother. No one thought the boy would die, not his main babysitter Frankie (Justin Timberlake), not the girls invited to party with “Stolen Boy,” and not even the boy himself, played with naive perfection by Anton Yelchin, who played video games and pounded beers assuming that his new captor-friends would eventually take him home.

Cassavetes’ daughter went to the same high school as Nicholas Markowitz. The murderers were neighborhood kids and he wanted to understand how fortunate sons with their whole lives ahead of them wound up in prison. The trigger man, Ryan Hoyt—“Elvis” in the film—had never even gotten a speeding ticket. Prosecutor Ron Zonen hoped the publicity around Alpha Dog would help the public spot the real-life Johnny, named Jesse James Hollywood, who was still on the lam despite being one of America’s Most Wanted. So the lawyers gave Cassavetes access to everything: crime scene photos, trial transcripts, psychological profiles, police reports, and their permission to contact the criminals and their parents. Cassavetes even took his actors to meet their counterparts, driving Justin Timberlake to a maximum security prison to get the vibe of the actual Frankie, and introducing Sharon Stone to Nicholas Markowitz’s mother, a broken woman who attempted suicide a dozen times in the years after her son's death.

Alpha Dog, pronounced Cassavetes, was “95 percent accurate.” Which was part of why it got buried, thanks to Jesse James Hollywood’s arrest just weeks after the film wrapped. Cassavetes hastily wrote a new ending to the movie, but his problems were just beginning. Hollywood’s lawyers insisted Alpha Dog would prevent their client from getting a fair trial, and used the threat of a mistrial to force Zonen off the case. “I don't know what Zonen was thinking, handing over the files,” gloated Hollywood’s defense team. “It was stupid.”

The publicity, and the delays, dragged out the pain for Markowitz’s family, especially when they heard Cassavetes had paid Hollywood’s father an, er, consulting fee. “Where is the justice in that?” asked the victim's brother. “This just goes on and on, and I’m spending my whole life in a courtroom.”

The film, too, was pushed back a year from its Sundance premiere. Despite casting a visionary young ensemble—Alpha Dog was my own introduction to Yelchin, Ben Foster, Olivia Wilde, Amanda Seyfried, Amber Heard, and the realization that Timberlake, that kid from N*SYNC, could actually act—no one noticed when it slid into theaters in January of 2007. It wasn’t just the bad press. It was that audiences couldn’t get past that Cassavetes’ last film was The Notebook. No way could the guy behind the biggest romantic weepy of a generation make something raw and cool.

But he had. Alpha Dog is a stunning movie about machismo and fate, two tag-team traits that destroy lives. Think Oedipus convincing himself he can outwit the oracle of Delphi. But Sophocles’ Oedipus telegraphs its intentions, elbowing the audience to see the end at the beginning. Greeks sitting down in 405 BC knew they were watching a tale that came full circle. Every step Oedipus takes away from his patricidal destiny just moves him closer to it.

If you map Alpha Dog’s script, instead of a loop, it looks like a horizontal line that plummets off a cliff. For most of its running time, Alpha Dog could pass for a coming-of-age flick where a sheltered kid with an over-protective mom (Sharon Stone) taps into his own self-confidence, right up until the scene where he tumbles into his own grave. Audiences who’d missed the news articles about the case weren’t clued into the climax. Cassavetes doesn’t offer any hints or flash-forwards, not even an ominous “based-on-a-true-story.” (The film might have been more successful if he had.) Instead, he lulls you into joining the kegger, watching Zach crack open beer after beer as though he expects to live forever. “There’s a movie sensibility that the film doesn’t conform to,” said Cassavetes. “You don’t watch this film. You endure it.”

As Zach, his eyes red-rimmed from bong rips, not tears, is shuttled between party dens and wealthy homes, he’s given several chances to escape. He’s even revealed to be a Tae Kwan Do blackbelt who can jokingly flip his captor-buddy Frankie (Justin Timberlake) into a bathtub. But Zach stays put—he doesn’t want to get his big brother Jake (Ben Foster) in more trouble, not realizing that Johnny is too busy making nervous phone calls to his lawyer and his aggro father Sonny (Bruce Willis) to get around to asking Jake for the $1200 in ransom money.

Zach’s death is disorienting, almost as if Psycho's Marion Crane got murdered in the second-to-last reel. In a minivan en route to his execution, he innocently tells Frankie he wants learn to play guitar. “It bugs me that I don’t know how to do anything,” he sighs. Meanwhile Johnny assures his dad that there’s no need to call off the killing. “These guys are such fuck-ups, nothing's gonna happen,” he shrugs, a rare example of cross-cutting that defuses tension in order to make the shock of the gunfire even worse. Up until the last second—even after Frankie binds him with duct tape—a sobbing Zach still can’t believe Frankie would hurt him, and honestly, Frankie can’t believe it himself. And Yelchin’s own early death makes you ache for him to get a happy ending, which Cassavetes dangles just out of reach.

This is how evil happens, says Cassavetes. Masterminds are rare. Instead, people like Frankie can be basically good, but can also be panicky and passive and selfish. Shoving Zach in Johnny’s van was an idiotic impulse by upper middle-class kids, who flipped out when they realized the snatching could get them a lifetime sentence. There’s no honor or glory in the violence. Johnny, the cowardly ringleader, talks tough, but orders his most craven friend, Elvis (Shawn Hatosy), to pull the trigger while he and his girlfriend Angela (Olivia Wilde) get drunk on margaritas. And after the murder, one side effect is that Johnny can’t get an erection. When Angela tries to get Johnny in the mood in their hideout motel, the walls close in on him, suffocating the mood.  

Away from his boys, Johnny is weak. Surrounded by them, he's the king. Alpha Dog sets up a culture of animalistic dominance. Johnny’s rental house is basically a primate cage at the zoo, only decorated with weight benches and Scarface posters. All of Johnny’s boys jockey to be his favorite and tear each other down in order to bump up their own rank. Kindness is weakness. When a fellow dealer with the ridiculous nickname Bobby 911 cruises by to negotiate a sale, he snarls at a guy who vouches for him: “You don’t need to tell him I’m good for it, man!”

Elvis, the future shooter, is the lowest member of the pack. He can’t ease into the group without Johnny ordering him to go pick up his pit-bull's poop in the backyard. Why do they pick on Elvis? He owes Johnny a bit of money, but the source of the scorn is simply group think. No one wants to be nice to the outcast, and Elvis is just too sincere to be taken seriously. When Elvis offers to get Johnny a beer, the guys tease him for being in love with Johnny. When he says sure, he does care about Johnny, they twist words into a gay panic joke. Elvis can’t win—they won’t let him—so he literally kills to prove his worth, and winds up sentenced to death row, where the real boy, just 21 at the time of the shooting, remains today. Another life wasted.

Cassavetes humanizes the killers because he wants us to understand how their micro decisions add up to murder. Not just the gunmen. Everyone’s a little to blame. The kids who got drunk with “Stolen Boy” and didn’t call the police. The girls who told Zach that being kidnapped made him sexy. Even Zach’s older step-brother Jake, an addict with a twitchy temper who escalates his war with Johnny to a fatal breaking point. Neither boy will back down over a $1200 debt, and there’s an awful split screen call when Johnny dials Jake intending to bring Zach home, but Jake is so boiling over with anger, his Bugs Bunny voice shrieking with outrage, that Johnny just hangs up the phone.

The opening credits, a montage of the cast’s own old home videos, underline that these were young and happy children—the kind of kids people point to as examples of the suburban American ideal. Over a treacly cover of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow,” we watch these real life boys being cultured to be brave: riding bikes, falling off dive-boards, running around with toy guns, going through the rituals of young manhood, from bar mitzvahs to karate lessons. Yelchin—recognizably dark-eyed and solemn even as a toddler—grins wearing plastic vampire teeth.

It takes another ten minutes for Yelchin’s character to sneak into the film sideways in a profile shot eating dinner with his parents, played by Sharon Stone and David Thornton. His Zach is barely even visible as brash Jake barges into the scene to beg for money. They say no, Jake stomps out, and Zach finally makes himself seen when he runs after his brother, begging to go anywhere less suffocating. Zach’s mom loves him so much that she watches him sleep. “I’m not fucking eight!” he yelps. He’s 15—practically a man, in his own imagination—and desperate to get away, even if it means mimicking Jake, a Jewish kid who’s so scrambled that he has a Hebrew tattoo on his clavicle and a swastika inked on his back. Jake starts to say that he wishes his own mom cared about him that much, but as soon as he gets vulnerable, he spins the moment into a joke. “Boo for me,” Jake grins, and takes another swig of beer.

“You could say it’s about drugs or guns or disaffected youth, but this whole thing is about parenting,” grunts Bruce Willis’ Sonny Truelove. “It’s about taking care of your children. You take care of yours, I take care of mine.” He’s half-right—his parenting is half to blame. Sonny and his best friend Cosmo (Harry Dean Stanton) taught Johnny to bully his friends. Cosmo, looking haggard and hollow, mocks Johnny for having one girlfriend. “You gotta plow some fucking fields,” he bellows. “Men are not supposed to be monopolous!” Not that “monopolous” is a real word, and not that Cosmo fends off women himself, except in his own big talk.

Cosmo and Sonny’s own posturing gradually emerges as being more dangerous than Johnny’s because it's more integrated into society. They’re the type of creeps who rewrite the rulebook to suit them, and attack journalists who try to tell the truth. When a fictitious documentarian asks Sonny about his son's drug connections, the father shrugs, “Did he sell a little weed? Sure.” But when the interviewer presses him further, Sonny snaps, “I’m a taxpayer and I’m a citizen and you are a jerk-off.”

Cassavetes, of course, understands growing up with a father who left a giant footprint to fill. His father, John Cassavetes, the writer-director of Shadows and Faces and A Woman Under the Influence, was one of the major pioneers of independent cinema. He died when Nick was 30, before his son attempted to take up his legacy. “We never really talked film theory,” said Cassavetes. “My experience with my dad was more along the lines of how to be a man, how to be yourself, how to free yourself from what society tells you to do, how to release yourself as an artist.”

It makes sense that Cassavetes would make his own ambitious, and maddeningly singular film. And perhaps it even makes sense to him that fate has yet to give him the reward he’s earned. Alpha Dog deserves to be acknowledged as one of the most incisive examinations of machismo and the banality of evil. But like his fumbling criminals, he knows he’s not really in charge of his life. Admitted Cassavetes, “I'm not smart enough to really have a master plan for my career.”

[munchflix]

WATCHMEN - THE SUPER EXTENDED CUT

IMDB BLURB: In 1985 where former superheroes exist, the murder of a colleague sends active vigilante Rorschach into his own sprawling investigation, uncovering something that could completely change the course of history as we know it.

WARNINGS: Giant blue peen, large bepis. It's blue. Malin Ackerman can't act for shit. Attempted rape. Lots of murder. Some gore. Adult themes? Zack Snyder. Repulsive sex scene. It's not gross, it's just weird and uncomfortable. And unnecessarily long.

RATING: Who watches the Watchmen? Us...unfortunately.

OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: All reviews are done solely for humor and should not be taken seriously ever. If you cannot handle cursing, crude humor and probably some offensive things, pls do not read this. And please please don’t watch this fucking movie.

MUNCH: I want you to know, first thing, that I will never forgive you for making me watch this for a THIRD TIME. I first saw this in the theatre on my birthday and it was awful then. I spent three hours waiting for it to get better and it didn't and now you're making us watch the super extended version with 30 more minutes of shit I DON'T WANT TO SEE. I am old and I was a fan of the comic long before this detritus was filmed. I was actually excited for this shit. This movie, like a lot of the movies we review once a year, is bad. It's pretty, it's well filmed, it has a brilliant cast, and it sucks like a Dyson trying to fellate a rubber chicken.

BISCUITS: Okay...I'm gonna be upfront about this. We're gonna have to be here for each other during this review. We need to BELIEVE in ourselves, and to share our mental fortitude. That might be the only way we'll be strong enough to make it through. Even then, there's no guarantee we'll make it...but if we do, we'll emerge from the other side as changed women, now knowing the true power that the bond of friendship can hold. Or not. Actually, we'll probably just end up sad. But the point is, we need to be here for each other.

M: The Nixon makeup is so bad. All this budget and he looks like a half melted wax statue.

These are the Nixons, folks.

B: Jeffrey Dean Morgan in old age makeup? I'd still smash that. The DOOMSDAY CLOCK! That's a reference to the comic! Get it?! We're JUST like the comic!

M: That's part of what bugs me, there's so many moments just taken straight out of the comic and then the rest of it is just Zack Snyder mentally masturbating about how cool he is.

B: Let me tell you younguns - long before the days of Suicide Squad and Batman V. Superman, Zack Snyder created the first of many tragic mistakes in the saga of "DC and Warner Bros. Attempt to Movie". It was dark, overdramatic, and had little substance behind its superficially good visuals. But Warner Bros. were all like "OMG Zach, look at all this money. Can you fuck ALL our beloved properties like this???"

M: Nostaaaaaalgia.

B: Okay, Unforgettable - this song was in the comic, it was in the book. It was playing in a scene in the comic but it was when Dan and Laurie tried to have sex for the first time. I don't understand the rationale behind using a song from the comic but putting it in a completely different scene. Why did you make that change? I don't understand why you would do that.

M: Watchmen in a nutshell. JESUS CHRIST I forgot that the explosions come in about 30 times louder than everything else.

B: Why is the Comedian wearing a smiley face pin on his bathrobe? Because of the symbolism??? Nostalgia. This is from the coooooooooomic. This is the first instance of inappropriate soundtracking, which is alright the first time but gets annoying when you do it over and over.

M: I have no idea. Oh yeah..the movie. The Comedian is fighting a mysterious figure that we'll figure out who it is later. Unless you've read the comic. It's Veidt. Slow zoom on the pin with the blood spatter because it's SYMBOLISM. Also the Comedian got thrown out a window. There's also been half an hour of slow mo and we're only 5 minutes into the movie.

B: *burps loudly* Bob Dylan, because there was a reference to a Bob Dylan song in the comic. Slow shots of our great heroes, The Minutemen. Zacc Snyder, fuck you. These were the original super hero dudes who spawned the existence of all the other masked vigilantes in this universe.

M: Gerard Butler??? Who the fuck is Gerard Butler?? Hang on, I have to look this up. Oh...he's in the Tales of the Black Freighter, which is only in this super-long ultra-extended edition.

This gif makes it look like Gerard Butler is playing Sally Jupiter. This is not the case (unfortunately?).

B: Which we're watching because we hate ourselves. Historical landmarks to set up the time period. Also Silhouette was a lesbian. Dollar Bill got killed when his cape got stuck in a revolving door. NO CAPES! Mothman went nuts and got put in an asylum. The minutemen turned out fine. Also Silhouette is dead. And Gay.

M: Bury your gays. She was only alive for two minutes of credits.

B: To be fair, she didn’t really have a role in the book either. Also, Kennedy is killed. By the Comedian. Which I suppose was implied in the comic...very vaguely. This is way too much exposition. We can read about history, we don't need a recap of every single event since 1940. We aren't that dumb, Zakk. There's more politics in this intro than exposition but Watchmen was supposed to be political. I have big problems with Matthew Goode....goode? How is that pronounced? Look at all that BEEF tho. Arby’s, I got ya new commercial right here.

I’ll take the one on the far left with cheese, please.

M: Slow the fuck down, jesus. I can't type as fast as you thirst. I'm gonna make you type this if you don't slow down.

B: Glad I'm not wearing a retainer. You think Jeffrey Dean Morgan would pay for it? Also Night Owl's costume looks so shitty.

M: Seriously, slow down. I have issues with how contoured Manhattan is.

B: And then everything went bad for the vigilantes and they got banned. This is SO LOUD. Tell Zaque Snyder I get spooked easily. I don’t like loud noises, I’m like a wild animal.

M: Oh yeah so the Comedian is dead. Two detectives wonder how he died. So mysterious. It was Veidt. Don't blame me if you didn't read the comic, it's been out for 30 fucking years.

B: My other issue with this movie, it doesn't ADD anything to it's source material. If I wanted just Watchmen I'd just read the comic. I could read most or all of it in the time it takes to watch this movie. So...Rorschach is ranting.

M: That's all he really does in this movie tho is rant.

B: All the towns in the world and I had to end up in this one. The ballsack town. Comedian kept a picture of Sally by his bed but that's backwards...she kept a picture of HIM on her bedside.

M: Rorschach found Comedian's secret closet where he went to be gay. Or a superhero. Or both. So he knows he's the Comedian.

B: Well, one or two of them were gay...a bunch of guys who wear their underwear outside their pants and this is somehow surprising? More slow mo.

M: This movie could be an hour and half shorter without all the pointless slo mo. Hollis is being played by Stephen McHattie and I love him so much.

B: Patrick Wilson (you can tell it’s Patrick Wilson because he looks exactly like Patrick Wilson) is playing Night Owl and he is a very good boy. The best boy. Although he doesn't have much competition for goodest boy, most of the boys are pretty bad. Hollis Mason is played up to be more Drunk Grandpa than caring mentor figure. Raw footage of Rorschach looking like FUCKING BIGFOOT. Your local cryptid.

*X-Files theme plays*

M: That was 20 seconds of super important extra footage that we missed from the original 3 hour long movie. Okay so movie, right. Drieberg goes home to find his home has been broken into. It's Rorschach. Eating beans. HUMAN BEANS. With HUMAN BEAN JUICE. We saw you lumbering around like Bigfoot on the news. Rorschach's mask is cool tho. One point for you, Zackk Snyder.

B: Rorschach, because he's a tinfoil hat conspiracy theorist is like " I think someone's killing masks" even tho only one mask person has died so far. Patrick Wilson is a good actor but his performance in this movie is so blech. I dunno if that was the direction he was given or...

M: Part two of things wrong with Watchmen. Lots of good actors giving boring performances. I love many of these actors but they're so dull.

B: Except Malin Ackerman. It was an experimental time, Chad! All of our Bro Moments. Our BROMENTS.

M: WHY CAN'T I QUIT YOU, CHAD?!

B: Maybe Drieberg quit on account of the Keene act because it started being illegal to do the thing, but Rorschach didn't because he’s crazy. And he's doing more edgelord monologuing.

M: Holy crap the animation.

B: And now with NO CONTEXT we get launched into the Tales of the Black Freighter. It's an anime, apparently. (makes angry angry noises ) this makes me SO mad because the Black Freighter, though a story within a story, had an explanation for its presence. It's being read by someone within the bigger story. In the movie it almost looks like it was animated by Ralph Bakshi. Like the people who did Jojo's Bizarre Adventure and Ralph Bakshi had a bad trip together.

This is what I see, every night in my dreams.

M:  I guess this is being narrated by Gerard Butler?? This is so out of place. It takes you completely out of the immersion of the movie to show you this movie. That was super jarring though.

B: The comic had a lot more leeway when it came to blending the stories together. Oh and now we get a shot of someone reading the comic to bring us back. Rorschach in the comic was described as being fascinatingly ugly. I think Jackie Earl Haley is too good looking.

M: And Veidt. I hate everything they did with this entire fucking character. I hate the way he looks, the way he talks, the way he acts, the way he Veidts. I fucking hate him so much. I hate what they did with his story and the whole Manhattan cancer thing. It's DUMB.

B: Why is Dan here? It was Rorschach who warned Adrian. And they're talking about nuclear war, very important to the crux of everything. This lighting is ugly. It makes Veidt look like a greasy boy.

M: He IS a greasy boy.

B: Meeting with Dreiberg left bad taste in mouth. Like cold beans.

M: Rorschach is expositioning everything we've already seen, dialogue straight out of the comic.

B: Rorschach breaks in to see Manhattan. Rorschach asks the real questions: Does Adrian Veidt is gay??

M: That is a HUGE ASS. Btw Manhattan is naked. He is super naked. You will never be allowed to forget that he is naked.

B: Malin Ackerman shows up...to “act”.... The mention temporal interference already, so you won't be surprised at the end of the movie. They really overemphasize Manhattan's eye things. He looks like a sad panda. I have issues with his CGI, he is really over contoured and he looks really...weird....Laurie...stop talking. PLease. Don't act, don't try to act.

Pictured: Sad Panda

M: Now he's taking Laurie on some fucking weird time trip that was supposed to happen three hours from now in the story. Manhattan is just sad in this movie. All his rage and his indifference are gone. He's just sad. He tells her the future and he's sad about it. And now, 99 Luftballoons so we don't forget it's the 80's.

B: This wasn't how this happened in the comic EITHER. Zacque Snyder and his love of throwing random songs into movies with no regard for how they might impact the mood.

M: So Lori is having dinner with Dreiberg just like Jon told her too. I'm giving up on spelling any names right as of right now.

B: They reminisce about their young days when they fought crime and dressed up like lunatics and all that stuff. Ah those days are behind us. We're in our 40's but in the movie we're like 25. Jon thinks there's gonna be nuclear war and also he can't fix my bad acting. They turned Laurie into such a sexy lamp in this movie. They strip everything away from her that made her interesting. I am laurie, I am GIRL. Who needs oxygen when you have another man's money.

You so. Fuckin. Precious. When you. Smile.

M: The Sound of Silence begins playing. We both laugh and denounce Zaeck Snyder and the horse he rode in on.

B: Should have been Take me to Church. I didn't realize how awful the soundtracking was in this movie the first time. They just throw in recognizable songs.

M: Comedian is getting buried. Rorschach is here and Manhattan and Dreiberg. And Simon and Garfunkle. It's not making this scene better. It's making it so much worse. Lori has been randomly teleported to her mothers with zero context. Her mother is Carla Gugino who deserves better than being in this fucking movie. They quote dialogue right from the comic. Did Zaquery Snyder write ANY dialogue for this movie? Her old age makeup is fucking awful and she is overacting this so hard.

B: And then we have the flashback to old days where the Comedian tries to rape her. The entire purpose of this flashback in one sentence. That's the plot point. From the comic. That we need to get into the movie somehow. I suppose they're going for show don't tell. At the moment i'm just focused on how it extends this torturous experience.

M: I have a lot of issues with this part. He beats her far more severely in the movie. They start the scene almost making it look like she did ask for it with all the slow undressing. It's so fucking unnecessary.

B: And then Hooded Justice comes in and this doesn't make sense in the movie when Comedian asks him if he gets off on this. But since they don't get into this in the movie...I think they're just trying to get us to go OH THE COMEDIAN IS A BAD GUY, HE'S SUCH A BAD GUY. We can get that. Why does everything in this movie take so long?

M: Everyone is having flashbacks to their time with Eddie. Manhattan is blowing up the entirety of the viet cong while the Comedian shoots people and Ride of the Valkyries is playing for no reason.

In awe at the size of this lad.

B: NEXT TIME YOU INVITE JON.

M: And then we get the Comedian is a horrible person but AGAIN because he's gonna shoot this woman he knocked up and Jon doesn't stop him. Jon is so fucking ripped that even fuzzed out in the background you can see every muscle.

B: They tell the story of how Eddie got his scar even though he doesn't...have it in the movie? Yeah I killed that woman I knocked up but you didn't stop me because you don't care and well...you're not wrong.

M: And now Veidt gets to have HIS flashback so we can be sure that the Comedian really was an asshole. The Comedian informs everyone that their plan is garb while Jon and Laurel Ann make goo goo eyes at each other which will become relevant an hour ago because they're obviously a couple NOW. He sets Ozymandias’ (Veidt's) map on fire to emphasize his point.

B: Ozymandias will remember that. Watchmen would make a great Telltale game. And Dan has his American Dream flashback where the Comedian is helping with crowd control and we don't care what's going on because the Comedian looks DAMN HOT. In slow mo.

M: Biscuit's thirst meter has increased tenfold.

B: What happened to the American Dream? You're looking at it. Just as beefy and greasy as I imagined it. He had a really nice arm vein going on in that scene. I have a gif of that for uh...research purposes. Very swole.

Pictured: The American Dream

M: I just realized that I don't really thirst after anyone in this movie. The comedian is hot because Jeffrey Dean Morgan but my thirst level is so low comparatively. The only main chick is Malin Ackerman and uh...no.

B: You're getting gayer the older you get.

M: I can't even deny that.

B: Moloch! He's a former supervillian of sorts and Rorschach is chasing him down because uh...I don't know. He just shows up and is like Hey fuck you buddy.

M: I still want an explanation for why Moloch alone has pointed ears. Nobody else in the entire movie has that kind of deformity.

B: And he's like The Comedian just showed up in my house! He was drunk and crying! We've all been there. We've all broken into our former nemesis's house drunk and crying. Maybe that's just me...

M: Except that's what really happened....

B: And the Comedian is like - I did some fucked up shit but this is worse! The shit this unnamed bad guy is doing worse! And he says that Moloch and Manhattan’s old girlfriend are on some mysterious list!

M: It's Veidt. Rorschach tries to nail Moloch for taking a medication made from apricot pits. Which are POISONOUS BTW, DO NOT EAT THEM. Rorschach spends fucking ten more minutes slow mo fucking monologuing about shit we already know and JUST SAW. There's so much extra shit in this movie that does not need to be here. He sounds like fucking Wolverine. Is that Hollis?

B: I can't even tell because this movie is SO DARK. We get a feeble attempt to connect newspaper man and the animated comic.

M: At least it's less jarring. Comic man drools excessively for no reason. They're even leaving bits of THIS story out and making it even weirder and more disparate than it needs to be. Fucking why.

The nightmares, they never stop.

M: Okay Jesus they went from that straight to Loorie and Jon trying to have sexxors and this is so wrong and out of place. And then Jon is six people.

B: god. jon. stop. what are u doing? I took a theatre class in high school and all those kids were better actors than Malin Ackerman. Which is bad because Laurie is an integral character in Watchmen. This happened way earlier and this is why she ran away to Dan in the comic, but it's fine. It's fine. Whatever. I don't care. She gets mad but not really because acting.

M: Jon underacts but that's his entire thing. This is so disjointed. Jon is teleporting reactors to Karnak while they argue. This will be relevant later.

B: Three bepis, no FOUR! Too much bepis for my needs. Or not enough...

M: Jesus Christ.

B: And NOW laurie shows up at dan's place. We needed to drag this out because we were REALLY stretching to get this movie to feature length, y’know?? We were really scraping at the bottom of the Watchmen barrel for content. There's just not enough material to get a good long juicy film out of it.

M: Can we just skip this whole part? I'll summarize. Laurie and Dan spend half an hour whining at each other because Laurie and Jon had a fight and they kinda wanna bang but that will take three hours to get to as well for no good goddamn reason. Meanwhile Jon is putting on a suit to do a tv interview.

B: There's a lot of scenes of Dan and Laurie but there's no chemistry at all between them and there's no buildup to their actual relationship. Even Dan is so nothing in this movie and I liked him. And there's an article from the comic because this is JUST LIKE THE COMIC.

M: Why are they...oh they're going to Hollis...but this isn't how it happened. They literally make this longer for no reason.

B: I know it would be really hard to cut anything from Watchmen, because pretty much everything is significant - there's no material that can really be removed that wouldn’t be missed in the final product. BUUUT they just added a whole ton of meaningless shit to this damn movie! At the expense of scenes we actually wanted! Dr Manhattan has his tv interview. This is not gonna go well. Everyone is like wtf are you talking about Jon. Dan and Lori beat up a bunch of thugs because uh...they're living for thrills?

M: Some reporter dude stands up and starts shit with Manhattan. He accuses him of giving everyone cancer. I'm sorry I caused all that cancer. You'd think Jon would KNOW whether or not he caused cancer...he was a fucking physicist.

B: Jon doesn't know whether or not he's radioactive. Spoiler alert: he ain't. He's just had his intrinsic fields removed - really simple procedure, like taking out the appendix.

M: *cronches pizza rolls*

B: A lot less screen time for Janey Slater in the movie, too. She's like "PRETTY PATTIES TURNED MY FACE PURPLE!!!" and then Doc Manhattan teleports everyone out of the studio because he's very emotional rn. That makes...one person in this movie with intense emotions.

M: You're right there...nobody in this movie really shows much in the way of emotion. Everyone's just sorta like "well, the world's going to shit - huh." I REALLY don't like the way they incorporated Tales of the Black Freighter into this movie.

B: Idec what's happening in this stupid anime. Man wants to get home before the freighter. Builds raft out of bloated corpses. Freaky eyes. It's supposed to parallel various elements of the 'real world' storylines but it's so jarring that drawing those connections becomes nigh on impossible. In the comic, panels from TotBF were often right alongside panels from the main story, but you couldn't really do something like that in a movie. They also still don't really do anything with the newspaper corner bits.

M: Did they actually show Dr. Manhattan leaving Earth?

B: No. Not yet.

M: So they just throw us into this scenario?

B: Yep. Dr. Manhattan got ANGERY and was like "y'know what? I'm going to Mars to deliver some exposition!! Way later than this happened in the comic, but who gives a flying fuck??" And we sorta get the explanation of the way Jon perceives time - but again, much less effective than it was in the comic. Everything in this movie is so DARK. 'Dark and gritty' doesn't usually refer to the visuals of a story.

M: Jon got stuck in an experimental machine where they were doing SCIENCE. He got disintegrated.

B: Just look at the SYMBOLISM...I mean, uh, the time. Jon's narration sounds like ASMR. He eventually manages to reassemble himself, but now he's blue....and nAkEd.

M: This giant naked blue dude shows up and Janey is just like "Jon?? Is that you??"

B: Jon is super-powerful, so the govt lords him as a weapon and uses him to help end the Vietnam war, and a lot of references to nuclear power.

M: I know his symbol is supposed to be a hydrogen atom, but it kinda looks like the power button on an Xbox.

Particle man, particle man...

B: This movie feels significantly gorier than the comic...which is not necessary. Janey is worried about how powerful Jon is - or she just wants him to put some fuckin' pants on.

M: Speaking of things that take you out of the movie - Jon's ENTIRE backstory in one flashback. Worked in the comic, not in the movie.

B: Jon macks on a 16 year old girl and is like - why is this a problem? My girlfriend is getting old, I gotta get a new one. Also I'm tired of earth. Going to mars.

M: We literally zoom out from Jon's ass crack.

B: There is no reason to put a physical or cgi camera that close to anyone's ass crack.

M: Jon has fucked off and now they're interrogating Laurie about where he went. She randomly assaults one of them because she can? Why are we having this slo mo smoking moment? And now another flashback to the Comedian... oh right, we have to have Laurie's version of why this guy was a douchebag.

B: Eddie's like, you think I'd fuck my daughter? And Sally is like - yah you might.

M: The gubmint is freaking out because their giant blue naked nuclear weapon has gone to Mars. I hate the Nixon makeup so much. He looks so fake. They wasted their budget on Manhattan's cock. I can't believe we still have 2 hours of this shit left.

B: (separate tangent about her cat) I'd rather focus on my cat than this movie. Why is this scene happening? Why is it significant? Is it supposed to increase the tension with the whole nuclear war thing??

M: I don't know. Why is it going on for so long? They figured out he's on mars because there's a blue spot? Uh...Laurie is beating up a guy and chaining him to a radiator? What....What did that have to do with ANYTHING? The gubmint is now attacking Veidt for trying to create free energy...?

B: This scene is just for Ozymandias to explain his backstory...I guess??

M: I honestly have no idea what's going on.

B: It's supposed to parallel the scene in the comic where he talks about Alexander the Great and stuff...

M: This happened at the END of the comic tho.

B: But here it's just...confusing. The choices they made just generally leave you feeling confused. Not like the comic did. It's ‘Vight’. I'm right.

Adrian Veidt is gay is the most discussed in the media in the few years ago.

M: Oh and now the scene where a hitman shows up disguised as a pizza guy so we can slow mo more totally excessive gore.

B: There was plenty of violence in the comic but...you can be dark and edgy without being this damn gory. Dan and Laurie have yet another meaningless conversation at a table and now Dan is suddenly on board with Rorshach's paranoia??

M: And Dan invites her to come over but in the comic she literally ran to him immediately after Jon left. Jesus now Rorshach is fucking monologuing again. They're fucking with the order of events again and it's pissing me off.

B: They don't seem to do it with any rhyme or reason. You have to make changes to adapt to a medium but there's zero apparent reason for the changes in chronology...

M: Rorschach breaks into Moloch's house so he can get caught again. Why the fuck would Moloch know about any of this??

B: But Moloch is dead. It was a SET UP.

M: I'm losing all plot cohesiveness because of all this nonsense. I can't remember what actually happened. Ten minutes of Rorshach slow mo fighting his way out but he's gonna get caught because Veidt organized all this but they don't tell you that in the movie because of reasons.

B: We're not explaining a lot of the plot because it's happening so slowly. They caught Rorschach. They takin' im to prison.

M: Rorschach don't care. He got shit to do. And now maybe back to the animation...? Yes.

B: They do like 1/16th of this shit with the newstand corner. They should have just not at all done it. They just seem like framing to put the Black Freighter in there.

M: Except they don't do it every time, and that makes it worse. And they made weird ass changes to this story too. It's supposed to parallel what's happening in the main story but it's making NO SENSE.

B: This also adds nothing to the story and it breaks the immersion.

M: It mostly seems like an excuse to be gross. And now for Rorschach's mental health evaluation.

B: He's psycho bonkers crazy. Part of the concept of Watchmen is that everyone has issues. The complex psychology.

Look inside your local garbage and you may find a friend and boy.

M: Aw who cares about that. Let's shoot off some more fingers! We get his entire backstory in very very short flashbacks. He's still nuts.

B: This was over the course of quite a while in the comic.

M: Yeah but suddenly we're pressed for time in the seven hour long movie so we gotta condense his entire story into a ten minute scene. Which makes this feel rushed, which is fucking weird considering how drawn out every fucking thing in this movie is.

B: The comic felt like a bunch of stories being told at once but all tying in together at a certain point. Convergent stories The movie feels like a bunch of different stories that happen and then they're over. They're not tying anything together. (Biscuits starts singing Linkin Park because this part is so fucking dark)

M: So he's telling this story about how he killed a guy for kidnapping a girl and Biscuits is looking up the name of that song because she can't remember what it's called and still singing.

B: It's called Shadow of the Day...it’s like the one Linkin Park song I know

M: Okay. And Rorschach is gonna....kill this guy with a hatchet???

B: That is NOT how that happened. He tied him up and set that house on fire. But now he's gonna hit that guy in the head 20 times. And now he's Rorschach. There is no Laura, only Zuul.

M: ...Dana!!

B: Oh...Dana....is that from...

M: Ghostbusters!

B: I didn't wanna say it and have you be like - No it's from the Exorcist!

M: That would have been pretty funny in the exorcist. There is no Pazuzu, only Zuul.

B: Rorschach delivers the iconic line - I'm not locked in here with you, you're locked in here with me. The angrier he gets the more gravelly his voice gets. Meanwhile back at the ranch...Lori looks at Dan's shit.

M: You gotta be more specific. In this movie it might be actual shit. She's looking at this ship.

B: He's got some cool etchings, and a stamp collection. She sets things on fire. In the comic she thought it was the cigarette lighter. That's not how you put out a fire.

Laurie is an expert firefighter.

M: She doesn't have any brains.

B: She's an animatronic being controlled offscreen. Everything is so bland in this movie. We really aren't given any reasons to connect with Dan and Laurie.

M: This scene isn't helping either. It's boring and we don't care what's happening because we don't fucking care about Dan and Looooooorie. I can't think of a couple with less chemistry than these two.

B: Do you know what this means??

M: Yes.

B: We're getting close to the sex scene. It's like a case study in how not to do a sex scene in a movie. It's like the most awkward horrible thing that can be done. These scenes were in the comic, but not like this.

M: They're not gonna bang right now anyway because Dan can't get it up because uh...Adrian isn't doing gymnastics in the background and Unforgettable isn't playing.

B: Patrick Wilson's titty.

M: Did we really need to...

B: It's okay. Patrick Wilson is reasonably attractive. I would give those titties a six. Maybe a seven. Compared to having to see Malin Ackerman's tits, I would give them an 11. They're better than Manhattan's tits, which are cgen and disgustingly hyperdetailed.

M: BACK TO RORSCHACH. Who is being threatened by a little person named Big Figure because that's fucking funny. I guess. But it's also canon. And now Dan's dreaming but there's no actual meaning here because they do it wrong.

B: It really would have been better to put that in there after Dan and Laurie stop trying to bang instead of going to Rorschach?

M: And then IMMEDIATELY back to the animated parts with NO warning.

B: That was the worst editing I've ever seen. Sharks are eating the corpse boat.

M: I'm so confused. How did that shark get back up into the boat thing....

B: Who the fuck cares anymore.

M: Back to reality?? Snoop Dogg threatens the comic reading man because uh...

B: Snap back to reality...OH there goes gravity...something about spaghetti. And now back to Dan who is staring naked at his suit. There's too many behinds in this movie.

M: Are you gonna rate it?

B: I like plenty of naked behinds in other contexts.

M: I'm not even gonna ask.

B: Dreiberg is pretty ripped for being supposedly flabby and old. Laurrrrrie decides they should go fight crime.

Unfortunately, Malin Akerman.

M: Night Owl's costume is so bad. Like Ozymandias’ costume and...most of the costumes.

B: Laurie's costume is mostly see through because she can't fight crime if she's not sexy. We don't get any explanation of Dan's bird love in the movie. He's a good bird boy. That's a tongue twister.

M: They're saving people from a fire. I kinda want to go take a nap.

B: Why is he shooting into the burning building???

M: I don't know! Oh it's a water tower.

B: I thought he was just shooting up a burning building.

M: I'm sorry but she would be DEAD from that backdraft. There is no way. So now they gotta drop people off so they can bang in the owlship. Which I don't wanna see. SKIP.

B: This isn't how this happened in the comic at all.

M: Back to Rorschach again. They don't do the whole language pun thing which was so fucking cool in the comic. Big Figure. Small world. Why is all Rorschach's shit cut out??? Don't tell me they didn't have time. They see one dead guy and they know Rorschach is alive?

B: Professional dead guy appraiser.

M: Oh yeah there's a whole prison riot going on but we don't know why in the movie because they don't explain it.

B: Now Dan and Lari are gonna beat up some guys but it's so fucking dark it's like I'm watching Fan4stic. More slow mo.

M: They had to cut Rorschach's story to make time for all the slow mo.

B: I hate Night Owl's outfit. Leri's doesn't look anything like the comic either. I punched that guy! I'm a strong independent woman!

M: Rorschach goes to kill Big Figure in the bathroom which also fucks up what happened in the comic. Luri calls Rorschach an idiot and they start bitch fighting but Dan is like come on we gotta go. We have an hour left. We have to start building each other up.

B: (sings Livin' on a prayer )

M: NOT HOW THIS HAPPENED EITHER. Jon shows up after they get back and kidnaps Liri to mars where there's no air because he's a dick like that.

B: Diet bepis.

M: Laurie somehow knows she's on Mars because there's a giant glass sculpture there. Like on Mars. You know. Back to Snoop and his gang who randomly decide to take out Night Owl but pick the wrong one and beat up Hollis. Poor Hollis.

Yep, definitely Mars.

B: Obviously the editors don't care about the timeline either. Liri's mother is on the phone with Hollis talking about what happened the night before but I thought this was the same night? Who genuinely cares?

M: This movie is rated almost 5 stars on Amazon. You go Hollis, punch at least one of em!

B: The gang beats up Hollis and kills him because it's JUST LIKE THE COMIC. Hollis has flashbacks while he's getting killed. And killed by his own award. But we don't get the scene where he GOT the award. It's fine. I'm not mad.

M: Back to fucking Rorschach and Dan and Laurie and I'm tired of typing that sentence. Rorschach suddenly is sure it's the pyramid people doing all the bad but he has no fucking evidence? Dan lays the smack down and the bromance can continue.

Just like back in college...

B: We're just two dudes in a rad bromance....They're going to an underworld bar because they're looking for seedy dudes.

M: How would these dudes even know about the pyramid thing?

B: That's just how Rorschach do. Follow the money. Rorschach writes a lot of youtube conspiracy videos.

M: Dan finds out some dude helped kill Hollis.

B: Also back on Mars...ugh..his dick is moving back and forth and I know that’s realistic but ugh...It’s different when it’s just a still panel in a comic and not...this...you're made of molecular nothingness, can't you just suck it up into your body or something?

M: Back on Mars Jon goes on his seven hour long predestination trip while his dick wiggles.

B: Jon I have feelings, pls believe me.

M: You can't fucking...you can't...you can't fucking take all this dialogue and re-arrange it and make it work. It doesn't work, now it just seems empty and nobody cares. Lauree was having a total breakdown because Jon wanted HER to make him save the entire earth and now just stand there looking bored.

B: Dan and Ror have broken into Veidt's office searching for answers. Dan is an expert hacker. Creator's name was Jeff Jeff, born on the eighth of Jeff, 19-Jeffity-Jeff. So I put in 'Jeff'.

M: Do they even mention in the movie that Adrian Veidt is supposed to be like, the 'smartest man in the world'? Actually, we don't really learn anything about Veidt in this movie...What do we really know about him? He's rich? He makes plans? Possibly homosexual?

B: *Hacker voice* I'm in. Boys Folder, iconic. Veidt doesn't really keep his most secret government and corporate secrets very...well-hidden. Next to his boys, yanno.

M: Adrian had a team of like three people in the comic. His suit...

B: It has nip- It has NIPPLES!!!

M: *chokes to death laughing* I've never heard anyone so angry about nipples in my whole life.

A toast, to my suit’s nipples.

B: Did Batman and Robin teach the human race nothing???!!? Nipples on superhero costumes = a bad idea. Veidt has killed all his scientists. AND NOW - My Bubastis rant. Whhyyyyy is Bubastis in this fucking movie??????? She just shows up in this scence with NO EXPLANATION. Just, "oh hey...Ozymandias has a giant mutant lynx." and why would she even EXIST in this continuity - he doesn't need the eugenics program in this version of the story. Was he just like "I want a mutant cat, please make me one."

M: How do we still have 50 minutes of movie left??? Oh, I guess...Tales of the Black Freighter. This is still going on. Crazy guy has reached land and kills some people, believing his hometown has been taken over....who really cares. Was there really anyone clamoring for them to put this into the movie?

B: *basically says nothing for this entire bit*

M: *basically says nothing for this entire bit*

B: NO TRANSITIONS, YEAH!

M: Now we're back to have the least impassioned discussion about saving the world ever. "Jon, no, everyone will die...." That's not how this happened - that's not how ANY of this happened. Y'know what, Jon, ya big naked blue freak...

B: Laurie sounds like a teenager who's mad that her parents won't buy her a car.

M: "Do that thing you do..." This is making me irrationally angry, and I've seen this TWICE.

B: This part makes me SO mad. Irrationally mad. They fuck this up so much. We do not get any context to explain how much Laurie hated the Comedian, and why him being her father is such a big deal.

M: Also, in the comic, it was a big deal that Laurie had this realization of her own volition. It came naturally as she tried to fight back her past memories (which were not at all like this), instead of just being magically brought out by Jon.

B: They completely squander Laurie's biggest moment of emotional development, in turn squandering Jon's turning point in deciding to save the world

M: I liked the whole snowglobe bit in the comic...I thought that was like really powerful, but in this she just...throws a temper tantrum.

B: Ugly cry face. At least...I think she's crying. Might just have smelled some expired doppelganger. Jon's speech about life is also...rushed. And they leave out my favorite line. “Come, dry your eyes, for you are life - rarer than a quark and unpredictable beyond the dreams of Heisenberg.”

Acting, I think...

M: Laurie looks like she doesn't understand a single thing Jon's saying to her right now. "Jon...you're talking science again, and I don't understand it."

B: I've already complained about the inappropriate scoring. It hasn't gotten any better.

M: So Dan and Ror are heading to Antartica at record fucking speed. Rorschach tries to tell Dan how to drive the fucking ship Dan designed and built. All Along the Watchtower is playing at record loudness for no reason. Somehow they made it to Antartica in five minutes.

B: They're heeeeeere.

M: If Veidt knew they were coming why wouldn't he just open the door instead of letting them fry it with lasers? Veidt is sitting there pretending that he doesn't notice them creeping in to kill him. Suddenly we are shown that Veidt is somehow some superhuman fighter and gymnast which wasn't included in the movie at all.

B: Come on and SLAM. Hello there, sailors.

M: And now for some exposition while a vigorous swordfight is going on. Not really. Veidt is still going on and on about how smart he is and how he organized all this shit.

B: As with any mystery, it ends with the villian explaining how he did everything.

M: In the comic he literally says he's not a comic villian and wouldn't do that, but you know.

B: I could have sworn there was an alien in here....like there was something vaguely about an alien?? This is alien invader erasure and I will not tolerate it. That would break the suspension of disbelief, I guess. If Veidt wanted to make an alien and use that to unite the world.

M: Yeah that would be bonkers, especially in a world where giant naked blue men with god powers exist.

B: He is smart enough not to monologue BEFORE he pulled off his evil plan.

M: And now we see earth exploding or whatever because of Veidt and uh...suddenly we're back at the fucking animated comic.

B: The whole idea of him uniting the world against Manhattan just doesn't click for me. The alien was supposed to be neutral, to be anomalous. It also doesn't make sense that he would drive Jon to leave earth.

M: Way to pull us the fuck out of the super important ending. Slow zoom back out to the kid reading the comic who complains that it makes no sense. I feel you kid.

B: They're trying to pull everything together here with the clock and the therapist guy and everything but it was all crushed by the alien invader but now it's just Dr Manhattan's..energy force?? But they'll be able to recognize that it was Manhattans? Didn't they know that Veidt was trying to use his energy too??

M: Yes.

B: Oh it's bad. Oh no.

Bubastis’ one moment in the movie...

M: Jon and Lurie return to earth post uh..time bomb or whatever. Jon realizes the energy signature is here. He is not muddled or confused or anything though like he is in the book, so he just immediately goes to Antartica to kick Veidt's ass but then immediately goes through the intrinsic field subtractor like a fucking moron. Why would this even effect Jon? Why would the smartest man alive not figure out that it wouldn't work?

B: Laurie says things....she shoots Veidt but he catches the bullet because he's uh..just that radical. Stuff is happening.

M: For not being a comic book villian Veidt is super fucking acting like a goddamn comic book villian. Jon shows up all super huge now and he's kinda mad at Veidt. But not that mad. Veidt uses his magical remote control to show melty face Nixon demanding peace.

B: And this works because...why not?

M: Because the fucking movie has to end SOMETIME. In the comic there were hundreds of screens showing everything but you know...America. Veidt is like - this is our victory Jon and Jon SHOULD be like - you used me to blow people up dude. Fuck you.

B: Uh uh, can't do that, you'll screw up the peace! Rorschach is like fuck no, I ain't keeping this a secret.

M: I'd side with Rorschach with this tbh, Veidt is a fucking madman. He's like the fucking Governor from the Walking Dead. Ror goes out to try and tell the world but Jon kills him.

B: But of course he wouldn't do that, he told the world 35 minutes ago!

M: He literally did. Rorschach explodes and Dan gets all sad. That was my favorite Rorschach! Now Patrick Wilson's ugly cry face.

I loved that Rorschach like a Rorschach...

B: Jon decides to leave and Laurie is like but why and he's like - well I can't go back to earth NOW.

M: I don't understand why Dan is trying to kick Veidt's ass now. He already agreed to let the mass murder slide. Veidt seems unconcerned.

B: We don't get the whole nothing ever ends quote either, which was a big deal in the comic.

M: They fucked the ending hard though. Like with a chainsaw.

B: They fucked the whole movie hard. With like 17 giant dicks. This shit is way fucked.

M: So I guess Dan and Lbrbbrie go back home? And visit her mom cos you know.

B: And all the reconciliation Lrry had to do in the comic is reduced to one pathetic encounter with her mother. And it means NOTHING because we only get one little scene where Loree is SAD. The whole movie is this way. It's just a bunch of stuff that HAPPENS.

M: I don't give a shit about any of these characters. There's a lot of Lyrie and Dan kissy facing and talking about stuff that doesn't matter now.

B: Nothing ever ends but that's not..at all the way it was supposed to be done...at all.

M: WHY ISN'T THIS OVER, GOD. Straight outta the fucking comic we get the last bit where the greasy kid pulls Rorschach's fucking notebook out of the crank file to publish it so 30 years later they could write the mess that is Doomsday Clock.

B: Not EVEN gonna get into that. That's a whole other screaming fit. But that’s a comic, not a movie.

M: *AGGRESSIVE HEADBANGING TO DESOLATION ROW*

B: *AGGRESSIVE HEADBANGING TO DESOLATION ROW*

M: I don't have any closing thoughts. I'm tired of typing. I hate this movie. I hate what they do to every fucking Alan Moore venture. He deserves better. Write less deep shit Alan and they might actually do you right one day.

B: I find the existence of this movie to be a highly overrated phenomenon. I do, however, fucking love the My Chemical Romance cover of Desolation Row.

Munch and Biscuits out, yo.

[new-to-this123]

I Miss Her So Much

As per requested

Could you write something about Clay and Jessica hooking up and Justin and Alex finding out

Clay X Jessica

Warning: mentions of sex

word count: 814

so ive never done this kind of imagine before i hope you like it

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Summer was coming to the end, it was the last saturday before grade 12 started. Clay was sitting up in his room, thinking about hannah.

“You know hannah, we could have rocked this year together. We could've made jeff proud and kept his memory alive by being the best couple Liberty had ever seen. Now i have to tackle my hardest year of school without you... “

BEEP BEEEP’

Clays text tone  went off

TEXT

Jessica: Hey you party at Bryces you better be there

Clay: IDK

Jessica: No idk you ARE GOING

The party was wild!! Everyone was drunk. All the teenagers were having a grand old time celebrating the beginning of their last year of high school. Justin was looking for Jessica. He had lost her roughly an hour ago.

“hey Alex have you seen Jessica?” Justin asked

“no but I can help you look” the brown haired boy replied.

Justin and alex looked around the room.

Bryce and Montgomery were by the keg, so she wasn't with them. Scott and Mateo were smoking weed by the pool with a few other jocks.

“hey Zach have you seen Jessica?” Alex asked

“hmm last I saw, her and clay were talking. Whatever they were talking about had both of them upset.”.the black haired, brown eyed, handsome boy replied.

“thanks zach” Justin replied.

Justin and Alex made their way from the pool house to the house to see if they had gone inside.

“you aren't dating right?” Alex questioned

“no but doesn't mean I won't worry about her”

“I feel you, I worry about her too justin”

They walked into the house looking for a sign of life.

They heard moaning in the distance.

“Bryce is gonna kill someone if people are hooking up in his house.” Justin laughed

The pair of boys walked towards the moaning. Suddenly they both stopped dead in their tracks when they heard talking

“oh my god clay”

“you're so tight”

“keep going in so close”

The boys listened in shock as they could hear Jessica and clay hooking up.

“oh my god I'm cumming clay”

The whole room went silent. Justin unable to hold his anger stormed Into the room

“WHAT THE FUCK???” he yelled, seeing clay on top of jessica.

“WHAT THE FUCK JUSTIN” Jessica yelled in return throwing a sheet over her naked body.

“what are you doing???” he questioned

Clays face dropped. He was Instantly terrified. He had just been caught hooking up with one of liberty's most popular girls. He had never Intended too. They were talking about Hannah and how they wished she could be there with them this year, and one thing led to the next and next thing he knew they were having sex.

“we hooked up Justin who cares” Jessica snapped

“WITH CLAY???” Alex yelled.

“oh my god not you too!” Jessica added “im allowed to do whatever I want!!! With WHOEVER I want!”

Justin and Alex looked from Jessica to clay. Alex was confused about how a guy like clay could sleep with a girl like Jessica.

Justin was filled with rage. How could Jessica let clay, of all people, sleep with her.

“How about” clay started before being cut off by Justin

“YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP”  Justin yelled pointing his finger in clays face. “You might be my new brother but it doesn't mean i won't beat the shit out of you!”

“There will be no beating up anyone!” Jessica said

“I agree with Jessica, it’s not needed. It wasn't supposed to happen it just did” Clay added.

“We were talking about hannah, and i don't know, we started crying came here to be alone with our conversation, and it just happened.” jessica explained.

“Whatever  i don't care. We’re going Jess lets go” justin ordered

“Actually you and i have curfew Justin” clay reminded him.

“Alex take her home safely please.” Justin asked alex

“Always” alex replied.

Justin and Clay walked home together. They could both feel the tension between them.  

“Look justin im really sorry. It'll never happen again. I know you love her. And like i said, i don't know how it happened.”

“You bet your ass it won't happen again!” justin barked.

Clay started crying “look justin it wasnt suppose to happen, i was thinking of hannah and it just did, i feel awful and i'm sorry, i just… i miss hannah so much justin. I know its almost been a year and it's getting to me, thinking about what could've been for us. And i don't wanna bug anyone about it, because every seems to have moved on so well, and i thought i did too, but now that a year is coming up, i don't know man, i just… i love her so much. And i miss her”

Justin calmed down and hugged his brother.

“Its ok man, we all miss her.”

[tranxendance]

Must-watch Super Best Friends LPs: A curated list

So, I tried to get a friend of mine into bestfriends when he was in active service and didn’t have much time to sit and watch youtube. While I think you should probably watch all of the bestfriends content, aint nobody got time for that, and there are certain LPs that are just better ones. Here’s a list of what I consider to be the best SBFP lets plays. There won’t be any ‘Matt’s toybox’ or one-offs, only full LPs.

Predator: Concrete Jungle - Originator of Jerry the Predator, the very first bestfriends OC. Also I really like the Predator so this trash game getting ripped to shreds by the anti-hype machine makes me feel good. https://youtu.be/0wF6r-JRTvQ

Eternal Darkness - The climax of the very first Shitstorm of Scariness. Genesis of the Insanity Shotgun, marking out about recognizing Metal Gear Solid voice actors, INSANITY EFFECTS and freaking out about the bathtub scare despite knowing it was coming. https://youtu.be/lYRVeFkTvCM

Silent Hill: Homecoming - First half of the Downcoming series. ‘MY HOUSE!’ ‘Why is the knife the best weapon? Just do knife combos to them, thats survival horror’ https://youtu.be/GLgN5WSiiX4

Silent Hill: Downpour - Second half of the Downcoming series. The first time I saw the guys play a game that was brand new at the time. Pat & Matt getting upset about the downturn of one of my and their favorite series. The famous Axe Throw that launched a career is in this one too I believe. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s5ofoIeb8wI&list=PLAD720396A1870C8E

Resident Evil 2 - Earliest recorded footage of Pat’s stand CRAZY TALK where he claims to know a thing or be an expert and is proven unequivocably wrong. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Cgbuv3cB1Q&list=PLB8826287748EFE7C

Final Fight: Streetwise - What happens when you take a classic beat em up and try to make it cool and modern with lots of Slipknot music? It ages fucking poorly that’s what. ‘I got a receipt for my Tatsu’ ‘I’d like to return this shoryureppa’, Live footage of the bestfriends souls leaving their body in The Stiff boss fight, Some actually decent writing and lines such as ‘Feeling good about potentially feeling good’ which Matt will quote for years to come. https://youtu.be/HnRNyfzKLL8

Man vs Wild - Not so much a must-watch as it’s just the boys in their element, playing shovelware, deliberately failing QTEs to laugh at how pitiful it looks when you do, making fun of people’s accents, and much more. Indicative of the bestfriends style of sort of mst3king videogames. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j1NGPAOrE80&list=PL57hJfweW_2s2jyxas78kIib9M3jGduU8

Heavy Rain - The very first game played in the Sadness trilogy. ‘Oh no, I made ze bad game’, more fucking up of QTEs when it’d be funny, Detective Shelby’s PI Gumball technique after shooting thirty rounds out of a handgun without reloading, FUTURE GLASSES, and other classics. Woolie will play this himself on a livestream, many years later, which is also a good watch. https://youtu.be/Qe-SpjInztQ

Indigo Prophecy - The first game of the Sadness trilogy, though it was played later than Heavy Rain. Space kung-fu, zombie sex with a lady you barely know, your choices don’t matter!, Slagging off of David Cage intensifies. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YacYbUC_FmQ&list=PL57hJfweW_2sOt01sX9TtQRkzv5RS231f

Charles Barkley’s Shut Up And Jam: Gaiden - Seems to be originally selected as a ‘ha ha, we’re playing a bad and stupid game to laugh at it’ but then discovering it’s legitimately awesome despite being frankly ridiculous. If you can’t play the game yourself, this is a very good substitute. https://youtu.be/xNc9R1zfwM0

Beyond: Two Souls - The third game of the Sadness trilogy. David Cage creeping on Ellen Paige in real life and making her be naked in his game, E MO SHUNS, having feelings but not knowing where to put them, ‘I’ll be your Stand! ORARARARARARA’, Underwater chinese ghost base. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GA_VUoePgrc&list=PL57hJfweW_2ulXc25A-LxxHXMPqLOwrsf

Deadly Premonition - Swery65′s magnum opus, if only he could’ve put bicycles in the game. He totally didn’t watch Twin Peaks you guys. ‘QUIIIIIIINT!’, ‘Stinky agent’, radio fast travel stock tire screech sfx, monkey noise squirrels and a weird amount of attention paid to food. Matt named his pet cat Zach due to this game, so it’s an extra important part of the bestfriends lore. https://youtu.be/dsbfmIqP-H8

Disaster: Day of Crisis - Metal Gear Solid except the giant robots are natural disasters. Gotta get revenge on the volcano for killing my buddy. Eating watermelons while on fire. Don’t forget to take your stami-nas. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Sx8gqSjkMY&list=PL57hJfweW_2t-vHWWeqjY2SKH4vaqotZ6

Yakuza 4 - My first exposure to the Yakuza game series and actually a good starting point for people that don’t know anything about it. The hype, badassery, and hilarity in all its glory. Who’s ready for a shirtless fight on top of Millennium Tower? https://youtu.be/xOKx_79BEhY

Prison Break - More shovelware where they fail stealth sequences a million times, fail QTEs because it’s hilarious, and can’t show too much violence because it’s a T-rated game. https://youtu.be/TsjGGGSZabA

Resident Evil 4 HD - Get hype for suplexing priests, El Gigante, Doctor Salvatore, Isn’t that Mexican spanish not Spanish Spanish? Commando shit and the RE movie, Oops Ashley is dead again, Pat is bad at puzzles and crazy talk activates. https://youtu.be/qsazQp4VlI0

Silent Hill 2 - Everything is illness, or else its condoms! The nurses are TOO STRONG!, the boys actually just enjoying a game and (mostly) being good at it for once.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zsYYIjaNPP8&list=PL57hJfweW_2vMmw0MLZp8I16DA-Qev8ec

Resident evil Revelations 2 - Re vuh lay uh tons!, Wait how’d a non mainline resi game get this good?, MOIRA MC TAGGART MC MURPHY, another co-op LP where Matt’s actual role in the game mechanics is to point out ammo and health items that Pat missed. https://youtu.be/THfgNlcNa98

Resident Evil 3 - Jill Valentine’s not actually last escape, Crazy Talk activates several times, Shitting on Hunter-D’s, being a huge coward constantly like the hero of RE brad vickers. https://youtu.be/G5pXyRhs7FM

Ride to Hell - Legendarily bad game played by canadian losers that make fun of it constantly. Source of just SO MANY bestfriends gifs including casual priest drownings, getting shot during cutscenes, and Qui-gon chi. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aEw04pKaVs4&list=PL57hJfweW_2srGztN1iedcFd-BV5X1Ram

Parasite Eve - It’s time for Aya Breakowski to GET HOT. It’s a squaresoft game all right, dogs with sniper rifles, finishing downloading arcana heart, and the heroest of hero cops willingly lighting on fire to give you a gun. https://youtu.be/dHY5ZBSHzyw

Danganronpa - Ultra Despair Girls - First recorded instance of being incredibly hype and getting into the cool pop art aesthetic, komaeda memes, and then all hype leaving our body, and out of context shouting KILL THOSE SHIT KIDS! https://youtu.be/qYtYp4oWBhU

Life is Strange - Liam’s rivalry with another wimpy boy, Hotdogman: Who is he?, You sacrificed everyone for your Ship? Are you Griffith?, and rewinding time to fuck with people for kicks. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7XZ7-wFLnfI&list=PL57hJfweW_2u1mKS5UFNgx-voVAvTlkT9

Metal Gear Solid 5: The Phantom Pain - Built-up hype from over one thousand years of waiting is collectively released. Psycho Mantis is OP, let the legend come back to life, GREATEST SOLDIER IN THE WORLD BIG BOSS, D-dog is the cutest and bestest of boys, and famously awkward jeep ride. https://youtu.be/505vXWYkxcw

Afro Samurai - Perhaps the shovelest of ware ever played on the channel. It’s very short, only 3 parts, about 90 minutes of gameplay, something that everyone should be super hype about but ends up being the most shitted on game since perhaps one of the Sadness games. https://youtu.be/wIXqEulMTIo

Resident Evil Zero HD - Get hyped for Oven Man mk2, math puzzles, getting pissed off at Eliminators, Rebecca! God dammit Rebecca! I love youuuuu rebeccaaaaaa, Leech Man, and playing dress-up. https://youtu.be/Mhnthhluh70

Metal Wolf Chaos - Giant robots and engrish, more than your body can handle! AMERICA!!!! Richard Hawke! OK, Lets PARTEEEEEEEY! Tons of references they’ll be using until the end of time https://youtu.be/Mhnthhluh70

Naruto: The Broken Bond - ‘Wait, this game is actually good?’ and then three parts later oops no its not. Second instance of being super hyped at first and then all joy slowly being sucked out of the boys’ body. Do your rasengan, even when you’re not playing as Naruto! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lo92m-rfeHA&list=PL57hJfweW_2uIIqa3HTcbsvM5LO1ObM_5

The Punisher - Rice cookers, My family-family-family!, guessing Frank’s one-liners, violent safety PSAs, and interrogating the boat https://youtu.be/wznGw9fJNCc

Disaster Report - ‘Is this Disaster day of crisis’ sequel?’, The honeycomb-caisonne method, press triangle to HEY!, be mean to your waifu, and abandon your friends like a hero would do. https://youtu.be/UYiwWU8EZcU

Final Fantasy X - Matt talks about Lulu’s boobs a lot, BLEETSBOLL, Wakka the racist, kimahri push, Finding all the memes possible, Hype Cactaur!, ‘I’ll pay you to fuck off, okay?’, and punting a boss over the horizon. A long watch and the boys are kinda bad at the game but good for the patient. https://youtu.be/qpZeMkthdZ8

Omikron: The Nomad Soul - The secret first entry of the Sadness Trilogy, ‘Get in the slider!’, Blackface Boyz, The real final boss is david cage!, getting trapped in bug purgatory, yes this is how you should honor the memory David Bowie by playing this game, Using the power of all three bestfriends to beat the game, and having no consequences for failure right up until THE MOST CONSEQUENCES. https://youtu.be/691RrF9pnaU

Silent Hill 3 -  No talking during the cut scenes, beef jerky, a detective does a Jerry Seinfeld on Silent Hill by accident, and ‘It’s a metaphor for dicks/childbirth!‘

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z4wERZf6bns&list=PL57hJfweW_2v34HsPK-4Hfqmkb22zjBWC

Tony Hawk’s Underground - Woolie lives the skateboarder life he never could for real. ‘Won’t they notice that it’s not Eric Sparrow on the video when they see a clearly black man doing that jump?’, Eric Sparrow is basically up there with Griffith for villains the bestfriends hate the most, and ‘I can do a grind all day’ https://youtu.be/3HLPS_nwHG8

Parasite Eve 2 - More of Breakowski and getting HOT, ‘This is basically a survival horror game’, The dog from Independance Day must survive or else you’re on the bad ending! https://youtu.be/JedQqaXdWLc

LA Noire - The big one, the one I always suggest for new bestfriends watchers as being emblematic of their style and sense of humor and weaknesses as players. Woolie can’t navigate this map, ‘Sometimes you’ve gotta shake the tree and see what falls out’, Shotgun man wrecks your shit!, making noises to go along with the faces that the characters are making, ‘Pedophilia? That’s a free pass in my town sir’, Stealing the worst possible cars because they thought it’d be cool, forgetting the controls for every single fistfight sequence, Cole Phelps super cop!, and LP Funsies. https://youtu.be/-bPqjD_zg5g

Policenauts - Kojima’s game from when he was allowed to work on things besides Metal Gear. It’s definitely white blood and not anything sexual, SHOOTINGU SEQUENCE, Holy crap our main character is a bigoted piece of shit!, Figure out the bomb puzzle!, We’re definitely not Riggs and Murtagh to the point where Woolie says ‘I’m gettin too old for this shit’ about 70 times, and the uncomfortable truth of cloning. https://youtu.be/kWcecAHiOys

Dead Space 2- Notable mostly for me as Dead Space 2 was the first bestfriends video I ever saw back when they were on Machinima, so I was quoting Space Rave and asking Matt if he needed a blankey to fight the monsters. https://youtu.be/1QzY-TjFGFI

Resident Evil 7 - We hate the molded as an enemy type, OOOH GOD DAMMIT JACK, He fucking exploded into goo!, What was your plan?, I can’t shoot the granny, We definitely used a pump action shotgun in world war 2 (Actually yes we did, Matt), Shadow puzzles, that part of a lady is where all the wasps shoot out, and What that guy doesn’t look like Chris Redfield who is this impostor?! https://youtu.be/SyAZ2-nijDE

Def Jam: Fight for NY - The introduction of Woolie’s OC: Rage beats up rappers, steals their girlfriends, and doesn’t understand intimacy, The full might of Matt’s hatred for Bless is brought out, and they talk about the Aki engine’s contributions to humanity https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lry0SYYkvas&list=PL57hJfweW_2tWHTvp2ESXbzp1-jh6YJMQ

[fartoomanybats]

Gorgeous

A/N: AU where Shane and Ryan work at the same place but not together. Very obviously inspired by Taylor Swift’s Gorgeous. Listen to it afterwards and all you’ll be able to imagine is Shane and Ryan or maybe that’s just me.

You should take it as a compliment that I got drunk and made fun of the way you talk.

That was at the last party. Ryan barely knew the guy, and yet he was infuriated by him. How he smirked, how he laughed, how he leaned against the wall so casually that his whole body radiated effortlessness.

Shane. They’d been working at the same place for months. But they’d never been involved in any projects together, so really all their conversations had been brief. In hallways or the break room or that one time asking about when some announcement was going to happen.

So why did he bug Ryan so much?

“I just want to punch him in his stupid gorgeous face sometimes,” Ryan had mumbled to himself at that last party, already drunk with no signs of slowing down. That’s how it had started, a brief moment between them at the party where Ryan just found himself so annoyed with this older man that somehow made jean jackets look cool.

So he’d done the obviously logical thing and drank more until he was full-on doing a Shane impersonation. With a “baby” thrown on to the end of every sentence and a literal swagger in his step.

You’re so cool, it makes me hate you so much.

The worst part of it was the next Monday, though, when Shane brought up how he’d heard Ryan’s jokes at the party.

“Heard you do a pretty good Madej,” he said, leaning up against the counter as Ryan was making himself coffee in the staff kitchen.

“Yeah...” Ryan mumbled, face reddening slightly as he concentrated on the coffee pot, hands fidgeting with the mug in his hands.

“Maybe next time I’ll get to see it,” Shane replied, his tone completely nonchalant.

Ryan merely nodded, wishing he’d never come in for coffee.

“Or,” Shane said, pushing himself up so that he was momentarily close to Ryan. “Maybe next time I’ll do you.” He held Ryan’s surprised gaze a moment before laughing. “An impression, that is.” He then stood fully but shrugged his shoulders. “Or.. whatever.” And with that, he walked out of the kitchen, leaving Ryan a confused and irritated mess in his wake.

You should take it as a compliment that I’m talking to everyone here but you.

At the next party, Ryan was pointedly avoiding Shane.

It wasn’t too hard to do. Their company had a fair amount of people, and most of them were young, and as such, still were down to get drunk at half-stranger’s houses. Probably why we have so many parties, Ryan had mused to himself.

Throughout the night, Ryan moved between groups, talking about work or debating what would happen next season on Game of Thrones. It really seemed like he had talked to everyone but Shane, and honestly, he liked it that way.

A ping from his phone pulled him away from the conversation he was in. He looked down to see a message from Brent, a guy he was talking to, about how he was going to some bar or club or whatever. Ryan read the message without replying, putting it back in his pocket.

“You still seeing him?” Jen asked on the other side of him, nodding toward Ryan’s phone as he put it away.

Ryan shrugged. “I guess.” He raised his cup of unknown mixed alcohol to his lips, taking a drink.

Jen raised her eyebrows but didn’t say anything else.

You should think about the consequence of you touching my hand in a darkened room.

It was a few hours later, when the party was beginning to die down, that Ryan’s luck of avoiding Shane ran out.

Ryan was in one of the back rooms, sitting at a table, having just finished a round of sports trivia with Zach and Justin. The two of them talked about getting more drinks, leaving Ryan alone for a minute.

“No stand-up tonight?”

Ryan looked up suddenly, seeing Shane walking towards the table with that stupid smirk on his face.

“Nah,” Ryan breathed, hoping his voice came out calm. “Not totally wasted this time.” He gestured with a raise of his cup. Being only buzzed was definitely helping him at least keep his feelings towards Shane to himself.

“I see,” Shane said, voice even but with a hint of amusement. He brought his own drink to rest of the table, his hand touching Ryan’s before he pulled up another stool to the table and took a seat.

Ryan blinked several times, glancing at his own hands on the table. The touch had been too long to have been a coincidence. Hadn’t it? His thoughts jumbled around Shane, and damn, how he hated him for it.

Ryan looked up to see Shane looking back, an easy smile on his face and a mischievous look in his eyes that made Ryan’s heart skip a beat.

How did Shane always make him feel like this? Excited and confused and annoyed and hopeful all at once. Hell, he didn’t even know if Shane had a girlfriend, a boyfriend, or if he was single. At this point, Ryan wasn’t sure which was worse.

Despite Ryan’s struggle to find coherent thoughts, the two of them actually managed to hold a conversation. Shane making him laugh so hard that it hurt, and Ryan noticing how that, in turn, made Shane smile even brighter.

“And that’s just how it happened,” Shane finished with a satisfied voice. He picked up his drink as Ryan was putting his back down.

“Sure, sure,” Ryan conceded. He nodded, watching as Shane finished his drink with a lick of his lips.

“I--” Ryan was going to say something, but he found his thoughts had stopped suddenly as he looked up. Meeting Shane’s gaze, looking into his eyes, Ryan felt like he might drown in them, and that he might be okay with that.

“Something interesting?” Shane mused, his tone a mix of teasing and sarcasm, that smirk etching itself into his features once again.

“Shut up, Shane.” Ryan replied without thinking, earning a hearty laugh from the other man.

“My boys!” Came a loud, probably half-drunk voice. Ryan looked up to see Jen, who was smiling at the two of them. “Not to kill the mood, but it’s closing time.” She tipped her drink to the two of them before walking back out of the room, a distant melody of “You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here,” following her.

“Fair enough,” Shane said, standing up and stretching slightly, his shirt rising up for the briefest moment. An image that simultaneously made Ryan want to roll his eyes at the cliché but also made him want more. Damn him.

“Closing time,” Shane repeated in a sing-song voice, tossing his empty cup in the trash can nearby. “You got any other plans tonight?”

“What?” Ryan asked, then shook his head. “Oh, no, no.” He took a few seconds before asking, “Do you?”

The taller man looked back at him, his gaze making Ryan's cheeks feel heated. “Mmm, not sure,” Shane replied casually before giving a shrug. “Guess I’ll just stumble on home alone.” He was pulling on his jacket now, turned slightly away from Ryan.

Ryan merely nodded, his heart thudding in his chest.

Shane turned back, looking at him completely before giving him an easy smile.

“Unless you wanna come along.”

[theimmortalbeloved]

The One When I Found The One! - a collection

Oh! And last but not least, you wouldn’t believe who DM me the other day! The guy with the scent that followed me through Recife. My first crush/love or whatever you wanna call. We’ve been talking and it feels like we never actually stop talking. Does that make sense? Anyways, he’s still kind and cute. And as stupid as it sounds, the thought of meeting him again makes my heart race. Maybe you were right all those years ago when I kissed him again (was it 2012?) and I do still have some leftover feelings hanging on. We’ll see how that goes.

--

I’m going out with João. It feels right. I don’t wanna rush into anything. You know me. I’m still scared of falling for anyone and give them the power of hurting me. It took me too long to let go of what happened with Miguel. But I’m actually pretty calm and chill with not labeling and all that. Things will follow their path. 

-- 

It’s been so long right? I’m sorry, but life is just slowly killing me (LITERALLY RIGHT????) and I’ve been swallowing some feelings. I just won the state championship with Hermes but things feel out of place. Ever since I got back from Sete Lagoas, João’s been off. Something’s off. I’m scared of asking ‘cause NEWS FLASH I’m down on my stupid hurt knees for him. Of course I had to let the guard down eventually. We’ve been seeing each other a lot since we went out like 4 months ago. We talk to each other every single day. I cannot believe after 6 years going solo and strong I’m that vulnerable again. I just can’t take it. Bella thinks I’m being completely neurotic about him being distant. But you know my instincts. They’re so on spot sometimes they scare me. A N Y W A Y S. Yes, I’m changing subject. Don’t need to overthink this any longer.

--

It’s October 26th and I still haven’t got out of the house. Barely out of the room. I’m hurting in places I never thought could hurt. It’s almost physical. Almost my ass. It is physical. Well, Z, I was right. I wasn’t being neurotic. Stupid me who didn’t listen to my stupid gremlin screaming in my head that I was heading towards hurt. I knew something was going on. Sunday, the girls and I went to my favorite place on cosine world, the stupid fucking Outback, to celebrate out title before the party. Well, there I am with my stupid fucked up knee and those stupid disgusting crutches hurting my god damn arms standing before João and his motherfucking ex. I seriously saw it coming. OH MY FUCKING GOD. HOW COULD I BE SO STUPID???? OF COURSE he would go back to her. What on Earth made me believe I was good enough for anyone. For goodness sake, I knew all along Miguel was right when he said I wasn’t worthy of finding someone to love me. I all average. I’m not pretty, charming, or intelligent. I’m not funny. 

Right now, I can’t help but wonder if it was real. I mean, who’s to say he wasn’t thinking about her when we were together? 

I chose to ignore my past and my instincts and now I’m here. Rock bottom. And once again, I can’t talk to anyone about. ‘Cause it was always you who listened. And you’re not here anymore. Like everyone else, you left me when you said you wouldn’t. I’m hurt. I’m alone. And everyone around me couldn’t care less. Him the least of them all. Of course, he didn’t owe me anything. He’s happy with her. I’m playing Stone Cold over and over and over until I can actually get there and believe that if happy for him is her, I’m happy for him. ‘Till then, in the wise words of Kelly C. I hope the ring he gave to her turns her finger green. 

--

Hi. I think I’m not angry anymore. I’m just sad. Still feeling like I’m the one to blame and something in me makes me not good enough. I should be going the physical therapy but I don’t wanna go out. I should be going to my actual therapy but I haven’t found the strength yet. It is so dumb that something so stupid as falling for someone can throw me so many steps back. I can hear you voice telling me not to be so hard on myself and that I should allow myself to cry, ‘cause crying heals. But I feel so ridiculous. Two times in the same life I allowed myself to fall for the same person AND LET HIM HURT ME. TWICE. THE SAME GUY. How can I be so dumb? He wasn’t into me then, he’s not into me now. It’s as simple as that. 

I know I’m writing a lot less. Ever since Hugo’s accident I haven’t talked to you as much. And I know this heartbreak is not the end of the world. It’s the timing of it. I feel hurt ‘cause he wasn’t here to protect and you aren’t here to heal me. I mean, I lost the two more important men of my life. How do I move on? Hugo would make me laugh by saying he would punch João if I wanted to. And you would tell me that it is good that I finally let got of my fears and allowed myself to be open to new chances. You both would tell me to embrace whatever lesson the situation was trying to teach me. But I haven’t seen clear what it is. And can’t still see it without you guys here. 

--

The weirdest thing happened yesterday. I had to sat down and write about it. I basically haven’t slept yet and I still obsessing about what happened.

It was Jukia’s bday and everything was a-okay ‘till Rodolfo kissed. Things got weird and I just figured out why. Jukia has feeling for him that I wasn’t aware of. And that’s not even the weird part. Me and Rod went to another party to meet his friends. One of the friends: Gui (mine and João’s friend). So, Gui sees me with Rod and sort of has a lash out, asking me about João and how could I be doing this if we “were the best possible couple” and he thought we were super into each other. So I basted the news: João is back with Gisele. OR AT LEAST I THOUGHT SO, I’ll get back to this. Gui goes cray-cray and sends João a voice message and drunk me thought it was a good idea to shout in the back of the audio. We go back to the party then home, blah blah blah. Not important. THING IS: Next morning, João answers Gui, telling him that he’s no with Gisele, and that he hasn’t dumped me. I WAS OUTRAGED. YOU GO OUT WITH YOUR EX WITHOUT TELLING YOUR CURRENT HOOK UP WITH SOME SORT OF INVOLVEMENT AND I FIGURE OUT AND THAT’S NOT DUMPING???? JUST CAUSE YOU DIDN’T HAVE THE BALLS TO ACTUALLY TELL ME? I mean REALLY????? But I decided for silence. Until I charged my phone. At 1:32am João texted me. I’m answering ‘cause well you can’t change what happened. And I really don’t want to let unresolved things to keep on affecting me. ‘Cause yeah I told him it was fine and it was his right but I haven’t digest everything. And you know, hate is a poison you drink hoping someone else would die.

--

In addition to all that, I kissed him. Shocker. I went to his apartment to see Filipe and get the tickets to his play. But I’m weak and my legs are still Jell-o beside him. There’s still something in him that makes me wanna stay. Something in the way my insomnia vanishes when we sleep together. Something in the way it feels like home. I’m so scared. I’m back here without actually knowing what went down between them this past month and a half. I’m back without knowing how ended things ate between them. And most important, I’m back knowing I like him a whole lot more than he likes me. Some of the doubts remain. Am I just a rebound? Is second best all I will know? When we’re together it’s really about me or about her? What I mean is: will I ever not have those doubts? I keep on trying to convince me that is just a matter of time. Bella thinks is matter of label. I’m just trying to keep my armor on so the damage won’t be as big as it was before is things go South.

--

And another news flash: we’re official. I mean WHAT? How did all that heartbreak and confusion and even with the attacks from her-who-shall-not-be-named became a relationship? H O W? Am I too crazy? Don’t know. I feel happy. He makes me glow. But sometimes anxiety still hits. And Gremlin screams and I’m back to rock bottom thinking all the stupid things I shouldn’t be thinking. Questioning every single move. But it’ll pass. I know it will.

--

Some days, Zach, I feel like a balloon on the verge of exploding. Everything is where it’s supposed to be. João is loving and caring and amazing. Life is okay. But I still feel unhappy. I lost weight and I still don’t feel pretty. I feel his love but Gremlin still shouts sometimes. I still let Gremlin question something that I know for a fact is legit. I’m back in therapy and taking care of my body dysmorphia.

None of that happens when I’m beside. With him, anxiety and insomnia basically don’t make noises. I’m not as skeptical as I was in the matters of love. We talk about plans, and kids (though I hate Maria Clara so much now ‘cause I know from all that snooping around with Gremlin that it’s the name he chose with Goblin), and future. I mean real future, not just weekends. It’s weird right? Here I am, planning and loving with the first person I’ve ever fell for. 10 years later and he still has a hold on a my heart.

Yes, I’m still insecure sometimes. Yes, the existence of Goblin still affects me sometimes or the things I saw them do together (the costume thing bugs me. He hates them, but he used to wear them with her. Argh. Hate it ‘cause costumes have my heart). No, the fact the we made our relationship labeled didn’t change those things. ‘Cause I’m the only one with the power to change those feelings. And it takes time an patience.

(...) Bottom line is it’s been a tricky path. But I wouldn’t have it any other way. It may seem stupid for me to say it so soon, but I’ve found the one. And who’s to say time is the same to everyone? John Green was right. There are infinities bigger than others. And if ends, he’s giving me forever within the numbered days.

[laurenlansing]

Mourning, Michigan, and More Magic | Self-para

TAGGING: Lauren (Mentions Kara, Zoey, Cristina, and others)

LOCATION: The Lansing home and Disney World (!!!)

TIME FRAME: The three weeks of break

NOTES: Part of Lauren’s time in Michigan and Disney World over the break. (Warning: unnecessary Disney song references that could potentially be annoying but I’m Lauren’s a Disney dork so they had to happen)

Lauren barely made it a week back in Michigan. She thought leaving RIAP would be good for her because it would help her get away from dealing with everything that had happened over the past few months, but it ended up making things worse. Her parents had been so happy to see her, yet the moment she saw them she was filled with guilt and she wasn’t even sure why. Maybe she just hadn’t called them enough when they were stuck on the island. Even when she did, she only told them the bare minimum. 

She couldn’t tell them about everything. How could she? Hey guys. No, I didn’t get shot this time. I completed a bonding circle with some of my friends and we activated the Spirit Child and now we all have more power and capabilities than we know how to deal with. Oh, did I tell you I killed a hunter? Yeah, I did that too. I also helped bring my friend back to life after she died in my arms. Just the usual stuff when it comes to the circle. None of that easily rolled off the tongue.

While she was physically in Michigan, Lauren’s mind was constantly elsewhere. Was Isaac recovering well? Could Nina handle this without her TPL? Was Zach drinking himself into a stupor every night and she couldn’t stop him? Did Kara hate her for being back there? Was Zoey dealing with other people’s issues instead of her own? Whenever she got like this, her parents would shout her name to snap her out of it and Lauren would drop whatever was in her hand or stand up abruptly from her chair, scaring herself as much as them. Any loud or unexpected noise brought her back, as if the hunters were attacking again and she needed to spring into action. It always took her a few moments to recover after that, to remind herself she was in her childhood home with her parents and there were no more hunters. She was perfectly safe.

Ultimately, the fact that she was in Michigan was much less comforting than she thought it would be. She thought being away would help, but her parents didn’t know what they’d all gone through. They didn’t know how to help her. So one night when Lauren woke up from another nightmare, she grabbed her Little Mermaid blanket and wrapped it around her shoulders. She then left her room and decided to walk around, something she’d been doing since the circle dreams had started. It would keep her mind busy. One foot in front of the other. Until she ended up in front of the closed door of a room she hadn’t entered in what felt like forever.

She slowly opened the door to Kara’s old bedroom, which was now occupied by a few boxes and lacked any trace of her big sister. She hadn’t seen it in person yet, and she stood there gripping the door handle tightly for a moment as she looked to the room that had once been her favorite place to go because her favorite person had been there.

She let go and walked as if she were on autopilot to the corner of the room where Kara’s bed had been when they were kids. Lauren could have made it there with her eyes closed. It was the place she went after any nightmare in her childhood. She placed her back against the wall and slid down so she was sitting on the floor. She wrapped the blanket more tightly around her shoulders as she hugged herself and shut her eyes tightly. Maybe if she shut them tight enough, she could go back to the nights when Kara would hug her and tell her everything would be okay. That she would always protect her, even when the nightmares were just giant spiders or scary bugs.

When she woke up the next morning still on the floor of Kara’s old room, she knew she couldn’t stay there any longer. It shocked her how easy it was to come up with a lie to tell her parents so they didn’t question why she was leaving so soon even though she hadn’t been there since January. Especially when she had always been so reluctant to return to RIAP in the past. She didn’t even really understand it, she just knew that the only people that could help her were the people at that school.

“Hold on. I need a minute.”

It felt surreal to be standing there. This place that had been here for so long, but seeing it like this with her own two eyes gave her a feeling that she didn’t think she’d ever forget. She’d finally made it.

Under the Sea: Journey of the Little Mermaid.

“Okay, I need to say this once and no one can judge me,” she said before clearing her throat and stepping into the line for the ride. “I’m finally part of that world.”

She barely caught Kara, Zoey, or Cristina’s reactions as she hurried forward into the line. Disney World was already her favorite place on the planet and they’d barely been there for a day. She looked up at the castle from her favorite movie and was wide-eyed at the interactive line. There were gadgets and gizmos aplenty, and after that summer Lauren didn’t ever think she could feel this excited again. But here she was, in the world of The Little Mermaid, and she really tried to restrain herself from quoting the movie at every turn they took.

It was so much easier to pretend like everything was okay in a place where there were treasures untold. Ariel was right, how many wonders could one cavern hold? The movie that Lauren had found comfort in for years and years had come to life around her and as she and Kara sat down in the moving shell that would take them through the journey, she held her sister’s hand and let everything else fall away.

There were no hunters in Disney. There was no secret circle, no plastic bags with blood-stained clothes from trying to save friends, no newfound sense of panic at even the mere scent of alcohol. No poor unfortunate souls. Just Lauren with three of her favorite people in the happiest place on Earth.

Eventually they would have to go back to classes and school and reality. She didn’t know how she could after experiencing all of this, but she would. And maybe, just maybe, things would be better when they got back. Or maybe not. Either way she now had about 500 pictures on her phone of just The Little Mermaid part of Disney World, so she’d always have part of that world with her no matter what.

[hawthornewhisperer]

Fairly Coherent Thoughts on 404

A lack of bellarke interactions means a lack of screaming but that means a slightly better put together recap so hey, trade off?

What the fuck was Jaha even floating on?  A mattress?  Can he even swim?  Was he rowing back to shore?  I have so many questions.

Also, Clarke being like OKAY THE ALLOTTED THREE MINUTES OF FUN TIME HAVE PASSED EVERYONE BACK TO WORK while wearing her best grumpy cat face is like, Peak Clarke I love it.

Things I also love: Monty’s continuing role as truth-teller, both to Clarke and Jasper.  I get why Monty was upset about her methods and I also get why Clarke was feeling defensive and made the choices she did and god, it is so good to have our show back y’all.

That being said: Clarke’s complete inability to sell The List to her people is definitely a sign that she needs Bellamy.  Jaha stepped in with his (obviously gonna be rigged) lottery to calm people down, but man, that was so clearly highlighting how bad Clarke is at this shit.  It’s a consistent character problem for her-- going back to the pilot-- and I love that she’s just like “Okay, but I’m right and you are not the best allocation of resources so...hey, where is everyone going?”

I felt like her talk with Jasper at the end of it was a really nice moment, Jaha shade included, but I also felt like the complete lack of even mentioning Bellamy was kind of jarring?  Like, Bellamy’s on that list too, as that random guy in the crowd so helpfully pointed out, and it’s very obvious to anyone with eyesight that Clarke did not put her own name on the list.  Everyone seems to understand they’re a package deal now, but yet this episode treated the List as 100% Clarke’s idea and fault in a way that doesn’t ring true with the previous three episodes.  So when Jasper is like “don’t lie to us, sell us on it” that felt like the perfect opening for a line like “That’s what I need Bellamy for,” or something, and it felt like a brief return to the lack-of-object-permanence of s3 in a way that grated.  (Obviously, since she explicitly worried about him not being back at the top of the episode and his name was mentioned at least twice in her presence it’s not as bad as Clarke’s Polis-induced Bellamy amnesia, but still).

As for the Medical Adventure Squad, I thoroughly enjoyed every moment of that except for Nyko’s death because dammit, Nyko was so nice and had such a big beard.  He was like the kindly post-apocalyptic biker, who opens doors for everyone and then crushes a beer can in his fist.  But the Luna/Raven moments were great, as was Miller sassing literally everyone and Raven sassing Murphy and Murphy sassing Emori and just...so much sass, all around.  I also loved that Raven appealed to Luna’s heart to get her to stay, and while I’m assuming the whole nightblood thing is not gonna pan out as well as we want it to, I do appreciate that the fandom crowdsourced this solution in like, June.

Okay, so: Polis.  I really, really liked the new building they’re using-- it gives the world a more realistic feel that they’re inhabiting partially destroyed buildings instead of just like, building new homes out of discarded materials.  (I know, I know, there’s the Polis tower, but that is so aggressively decorated with antlers that it feels less post-apoc and more, idk, like all grounders are descended from Gaston).  I also like that escaping/surviving massacres is now like, Indra’s superpower, and I hope she continues to wear plot armor for as long as this show is on the air.  Kane calling Murder!Child #2 into the principal’s office to yell at her was great, as was his scramble to keep Roan on his side.  I totally get why Roan is like “god, I am so done with you guys,” because he IS taking a big risk by supporting them and in return they’re being shady as fuck so like...breaking the treaty is kind of warranted, here.

But what we really have to talk about is Echo/Octavia/Bellamy.  First up, Echo and Kane’s that’s blasphemy/no it’s science! exchange really, really bugged me, because I would give good money (so like, idk, $30?) for there to be a grounder who is not instinctively terrified of technology.  I’m also a little unsure as to whether or not we’re supposed to cringe at Kane’s outright dismissal of a belief system in favor of cold hard facts, but I sure as hell did.  It reminded me of Clarke’s “show them you’re not a savage” line, and I do suspect it is supposed to sound tone deaf but the fact that we know that their science can save them makes Echo seem silly and superstitious and I wish it didn’t.

But then Echo slits Conveniently Well Informed Redshirt’s throat and goes to hunt Octavia at Charlotte’s Cliff and man, I need the show to get a better handle on what they’re doing with Bellamy and Echo and fast.  (Also, why are there so many cliffs in fucking Virginia.)  Echo is very clearly upset by having killed Octavia, and her regret is mostly played as “she knows this will hurt Bellamy” but I’m still not buying why she gives a hot dang about Bellamy in the first place.  Like yes, he saved her from Mount Weather and with apologies to JK Rowling there are some things you can’t share with a person without ending up liking them and strangling a man to death in your underwear is one of them, but her constant vacillation between I will destroy all of Skaikru and but what if it hurts Bellamy’s feelings? is not landing the way I want it to.  This may be something I’m just gonna have to accept (she cares about him because of the mountain and even if that’s not reason enough for me fine it can be reason enough in-show) and let go but for now I am hashtag struggle bus on that.

The moment where Roan makes Echo deliver the news is also very interesting.  Snaps to Zach McGowan, a man I would like to punch and then make out with for three straight hours, for managing to pack annoyance (with Echo’s fuck up), regret (for Octavia’s death), and genuine remorse (for Bellamy and Kane’s sadness) into one side eye.  Ian’s disbelief and grief was also nicely underplayed so as to not draw away from the main event, and Tasya did a great job of selling her own sorrow-- I do think she respected Octavia as a warrior, and it was a good death is probably the highest compliment she knows how to pay-- and then Bob killed us all with his grief.  I’m sure I’ll come back and dwell on “Bellamy without Octavia” in the future but for now let’s just say that was a bleak, bleak moment and everyone involved acted the shit out of it.

Lastly, on Octavia’s Aragorn moment: does it count as an homage if it’s just like, straight up the same scene? Also, in the post apocalyptic LARPing scene, Roan is clearly Elrond and Murderous Elf Prince (whom I missed tonight) is Legolas and obviously Octavia is Aragorn, and when they meet for campaigns Octavia definitely makes Bellamy be Gimli (he’d rather be Samwise but is pacified when given an axe) and Bellamy wants Clarke to be either Frodo or Eowyn but she’s like no fuck you I’m gonna be Galadriel and then Bellamy discovers he’s got an elf fetish after all.

Next week: Clarke does not like Roan’s birthday present for her at all.

[crazedlunatic]

Stomach Flu

“Your one o’clock was cancelled. The patient got admitted to the hospital last night. He’s at home resting.”

“The poor boy has terrible luck.”

Cody, who was sitting in the back room and organizing files, frowned and glanced down at his phone. Still no texts from Nick. Usually he’d at least said hello, how’s your day, something. And it’s not like Cody expected him to text him either! There was no obligations! But still… Usually, he did.

Don’t worry. I’m sure he’s fine.

…

“Hi. This is going to sound really strange but…”

“Are you Cody?” Kurt Anderson-Hummel—the freaking Kurt Anderson-Hummel—asked, standing in the doorway that Cody had been through once or twice.

“Yeah. Hi.” Cody held out his hand.

“I’m Kurt, Nick’s dad… well, one of them.” Kurt shook his hand and smiled brightly although he looked tired.

Cody stepped in shyly when Kurt motioned for him to come in. “I just… Heard he was sick… Overheard… I shouldn’t have… but he didn’t answer my text and I got worried…”

Stop babbling!

Kurt’s smile grew. “Are you hungry or thirsty?”

“Oh! No thank you, sir.” Cody blushed. Why did that have to come out sounding so country? “Is… Is Nick okay?”

“He’s got a stomach bug. He should be better in a few days. He’s never taken being sick too well, though. He basically hibernates.”

Cody glanced at Nick, curled up and fast asleep on the couch with a blanket pulled over him. He fought the urge to just smile. Firstly, Nick was absolutely adorable when he slept. Second, he’d never seen Nick quiet for so long. Which was weird, but oddly… reassuring in a way. He wondered how many people had gotten to see Nick like this.

“It’s weird, isn’t it?” Kurt laughed. “It’s always quiet when he’s sick. It was so weird when he was away at UCLA… Sophie’s in that stage where she’s only loud when she’s mad.”

Cody smiled, watching Kurt talk. All the times Cody had seen him on the Project Runway, he’d seemed… Well, not like this. Not warm, accepting, inviting. “You’ve met Sophie, right? She really likes you.”

“Yes, sir. I like her too.”

Kurt positively beamed. “Are you sure you don’t want anything to drink, sweetie?”

“Get something or he’ll ask until you do.” Nick groaned from the couch, sounding eerily like Kurt when annoyed. “He likes soda but not diet.”

“Of course he likes soda.” Kurt laughed and left the room.

“Hi, stalker.” Nick opened his eyes and attempted a weak grin, but the smile only half reached his eyes.

“I overheard you were sick and—.”

“Stalker.” Nick’s grin grew some, eyes becoming brighter.

“I hope you aren’t mad.” Cody said, beginning to feel a little anxious.

“He’s teasing you.” Kurt came back in and handed Cody a drink. “It’s an annoying habit.”

“Shush.” Nick stretched and then stood, running off to the bathroom.

“I’ll be right back.” Kurt followed him quickly.

…

“It’s so cool that you’re double majoring. You know Nick was double majoring at UCLA.”

“Daddy.” Nick groaned from the couch twenty minutes later, pulling the pillow over his face.

“His majors were a lot harder than mine.” Cody looked sheepish. “Art and Public Policy is difficult but it’s nothing like Computer Sciences and Engineering.”

“Blaine had much more intensive schooling too but we still made a cute couple.”

“Daddy!” Nick snapped, pushing himself into a sitting position.

“Now, now, sit down.” Kurt said, reaching over from his chair that was next to the couch and patted Nick’s head.

“We’re not a couple.”

“Blaine and I went through two phases where we weren’t a couple.” Kurt waved his hand in the air. “Besides, I can tell when two people like each other. And you two are smitten.”

Cody blushed, looking down.

“Why do you always do this?” Nick groaned, looking up at the ceiling and sounding more like Blaine than ever. “You are a designer, not a match maker.”

“All I’m saying is that he’s adorable. Listen to that accent.” Kurt pointed to Cody. “Blaine is going to love him.”

“Daddy, stop it.” Nick groaned. “Cody, I’m sorry. He has this thing where everyone has to get together.”

“Not everyone.” Kurt protested.

“Zach and Sarah.”

Kurt rolled his eyes. “That was only ten years in the making.”

“Soph and Logan.”

“That one I had nothing to do with.” Kurt said, looking to Cody. “He gives me too much credit. How many siblings do you have, sweetie?”

“Three older brothers. My oldest brother Tyler is here but Landon and Jacob are all down in Georgia, where I’m from.” Cody explained shyly.

“If you ask him if he likes peaches—.” Nick hissed as Kurt opened his mouth to ask that very question.

“I wasn’t going to…” Kurt started. “Okay, I was.”

Cody actually laughed and said, “I really don’t. Probably because they’re literally everywhere you go in town.”

“Three brothers? So you both have several siblings. That’s something else you have in common. That paired with the sexual tension—.”

“DADDY!” Nick sat up. “Go away.”

“I’m not leaving. You’re sick. If you pass out and then throw up…”

“You’re insufferable.” Nick groaned, moving back into a laying position. He then glanced at Cody. “My stalker will be here if that happens. Then he can resuscitate me.”

Cody blushed deep red as Nick winked at him.

“My God. You’re precious.” Kurt said, just short of squealing.  “But it’s weird. Nick is so loud and obnoxious—sorry, sweetie. But you’re so quiet and shy.”

“My three older brothers were so loud that I didn’t stand a chance.”

Kurt laughed and looked down when his phone began to ring. “Excuse me.” He stood, ruffling Nick’s messy hair and leaving the room.

…

“Sorry you got stuck here.” Nick said, curled on the couch fifteen minutes later.

“Hey, it’s okay. I came willingly… and we usually spend Tuesdays together anyway.”

“You’re crazy for visiting a sick person… I hope you don’t get it too.”

“It would be worth it.”

Oh God. You just said that out loud.

Nick stared at him and then let out a bashful laugh.

“I just…” Cody laughed himself and then mumbled, “I’m going to just shut up now.”

Nick tilted his head a bit, watching Cody carefully.

“Do you… Do you need anything? Your dad told me where everything is, so I can get…” Cody trailed off when Nick let out a laugh. “What?”

“I’m fine.” Nick reassured him.

Cody bit his lip and looked down shyly.

“There is something you could do for me, though.”

“What?” Cody asked, looking up and into Nick’s eyes.

“Could you… sit with me?”

“O-Of course.” Cody went over, putting his phone on the coffee table and then sitting next to him.

Nick pushed himself into a seated position and leaned over, nuzzling his head against Cody’s shoulder and slouching down.

Cody felt his heartbeat rapidly speed up. He’d never been so close to Nick. He glanced over at Nick, who now had his eyes closed. Even despite being sick and having vomited all day, he still looked beautiful. Cody was pretty sure he had never seen anyone more beautiful than Nick; just everything about him was… perfect. And beautiful. Every time Nick’s nose scrunched up, it took everything to keep himself from bending down and kissing it.

Nick nuzzled Cody again before letting out the tiniest of snores. He was asleep.

“How are you so beautiful?” Cody whispered out loud, raising a hand and touching Nick’s warm face. Nick’s lips parted and then he just turned, burrowing his face in the crook between Cody’s neck and shoulder.

The television was playing but Cody stared at it for nearly an hour without hearing a word. Instead, he tried to not think of how close Nick was, how perfect he was, how the timing just wasn’t right for him to admit his feelings, just everything. Naturally, by trying to not think about it that was all Cody ended up doing until Nick sat up quickly. He then turned so he wasn’t facing Cody, clearly mostly asleep, and let out a pitiful moan.

“Nick? Are you okay?” Cody asked, jumping up.

Nick leaned over, vomiting all over the floor and nearly falling off of the couch and into it.

“No, no, no.” Cody ran to his other side and held onto his arm, supporting him as he threw up.

“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” Nick mumbled as Cody eased him back into a sitting position. Cody didn’t like the look in Nick’s eyes, like he was scared, like he was going to get yelled at or something. He didn’t like the vulnerability.

“Don’t apologize.” Cody forced a bright smile, hoping against all odds that Nick’s old boyfriend hadn’t yelled at him for getting sick or something. He leaned down, brushing hair out of Nick’s eyes. “Just lay down. It’s fine. Where are the towels?”

“I’ll get it.” Nick pushed himself into a standing position.

“No. I’ve got it.” Cody eased him back down. “Just tell me where the towels are.”

Nick swallowed, watching Cody very carefully. He then moved into a laying position, still not looking away. “In the hall closet right around the corner.”

“I’ll be right back.” Cody promised before going into the hall closet and grabbing a few towels. Although Nick’s eyes were closed when he came into the room, he could feel Nick’s eyes on him as he carefully cleaned the vomit off of the hardwood floors. Cody stood very quietly and whispered, “Where do you keep the dirty clothes?”

“You can put them in the bathroom.” Nick said, opening his eyes since he’d clearly been caught.

Cody did so and then sat by the couch on the floor.

“You can sit up here.” Nick sat up.

“No, it’s fine. I’m fine here.”

“Please?”

Cody momentarily closed his eyes and then got on the couch with Nick. Nick moved, leaning against Cody.

The closeness was killing him.

He knew Nick was supposed to wait until March before getting in a relationship, but how were either of them supposed to actually do that when their feelings were so strong?

And they had only been talking for four weeks.

“I just… hate being sick and… being close to someone helps.” Nick mumbled.

Cody moved into a laying position, sliding his arms around Nick’s still too thin waist. Nick relaxed against him, feeling so light, and then gripped his wrist tightly, screwing his eyes shut.

“Are you… okay?” Cody whispered.

“Mhmm.” Nick nodded, snuggling up. Cody could see him biting his lip though, so he raised his other hand and ran it up and down Nick’s arm to soothe him. “Mmmh feels good.”

Cody smiled to himself. “Good.”

Nick burrowed down some, his shirt rising up. Cody tried not to stare at the tan skin.

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Promise. “ Nick’s voice came out slurred—he was getting ready to fall back asleep.

Cody raised his hand, running his fingers through Nick’s hair. Nick closed his eyes, letting out a barely audible moan.

“If I wasn’t sick, I would try to kiss you.” Nick murmured.

Cody swallowed, fingers going still.

“One of these times, you’ll let me.”

Cody bent down, pressing a kiss to Nick’s forehead. “Get some sleep, Nicky.”

Nicky? Where did that come from?

Nick smiled a bit. “Mmkay.”

“Okay.” Cody whispered, stroking his hair back and resisting the urge to hum.

Nick let out a tiny snore, curling into Cody.

“I could marry you one day.” Cody sighed a bit. “I think I already love you.”

Nick nuzzled him and shifted, trying to get comfortable.

“Yeah… I think I already love you.” Cody tightened his arms around Nick. “Shit.”