#You're grandparents in the worst way possible

[nonuggetshere]

Ah, decisions, either drawing The Gays or taking a fuckin hammer to Flower's and Tally's well-being

[spid3namy]

— AUGUST

pairing : e!42 miles x mixed!female reader

summary : rumors spread like wildfire around school, everyone knew everyone's business. who knew the only rumor about you and your boyfriend would be true...?

contains : angst, cheating, song inspired (obviously), they are mid to late teens, miles lowkey stupid asf, implied lying (kind of), might have some incorrect spanish, cussing, not proof read

divider creds : saradika

word count : 2031

notes : lowkey, i only wrote this cus i literally love this song and figured why not write angst. this is my way of being productive while also being lazy asf LMAO. i probably might start a taglist for people who wanna be tagged when i post new things but we’ll see. anyways, i hope you enjoy the story <3

“Will you call when you're back at school...?”

Summer vacation.

For some, it was a great way to get away from school. To hang out with friends, to spend time with family. Others, it was nothing but a cruel and long three and a half months. 

For you, it was supposed to be a great three and a half months!

Until you found out that you were being shipped away to your grandparents house to spend time with them. Sure, you loved your grandparents but they were just.. so old. Summer was supposed to be the time when you hung out with your best friends!

And most importantly, your boyfriend! But no. 

Before you knew it, you had been packed up and sent on a flight all the way up to the shitty state of Washington. And that’s cruelly how you spent your summer vacation. Being around old people for a long three and a half months literally sucked.

September 18.

The day school started was a nightmare.

Rumors spread around like wild-fire at Visions Academy. Well, you knew that much. Especially with all the rumors that happened last year about the girl that had gotten pregnant. Of course, that rumor had been a lie. But everyone knew about it in the spam of like 20 minutes.

“Y/N! Have you heard yet?”

Your best friend, Juno, is the first one to come up to you the moment you walk through the doors. She was always so pretty when she came to school. If you all didn’t have to wear uniforms, she’d probably be the hottest girl in school with those fire ass fits you knew she owned.

“Heard what exactly?”

“Okay, so I’m guessing you haven’t heard then.”

You look at the girl and raise an eyebrow, brushing your braids behind your shoulder to flow down your back. What the hell was she on about now? Juno was your best friend, yes, but she was too into the gossip the school had going on. Most times, you couldn’t even believe the words she said. 

“Well, are ya gonna tell me?”

Juno stared at you for a few moments before she shrugged, figuring that if you really wanted to know then she would tell you. Even if she knew it was gonna hurt you, it was best if you found out from her and not some random stranger who probably would tell it in the worst way possible.

“Promise you won’t get mad?”

“Uh.. okay? I promise.”

Juno let out a breath and gripped the strap of her tote bag tightly before she spoke in a mess of jumbled up words. “Okay so basically, I heard from Dorothea who heard it from Suki who heard it from Rose who heard it from Verity who heard it from Betty who heard it from Venus, herself, that she and Miles had a little fling over the summer.”

You blink as you watch Juno suck in a huge intake of air. She was acting as though she had been waiting a long time to gain some type of air in her lungs. 

You soon burst out into laughter and shook your head, holding your stomach as you laughed. Juno watched you with confusion clear on your face; she clearly didn’t understand what the hell was funny. 

Once you had slowly started to calm down, you wiped an imaginary tear from your eye and shook your head, looking at the female. 

“Whew, thanks Jun, I really needed a laugh today.”

“I’m being serious, Y/N. I totally think it’s true too!”

“That’s ridiculous, Miles would never do anything like that. Me and he are locked in.”

Juno stares at you before she shrugged; the two of you started your descent down the hallway to where your shared first class was. 

“‘M just sayin’ what I heard. Only Miles would really know what happened. Just hope he doesn’t lie to you.”

You snort and roll your eyes playfully, nudging her with your shoulder and looking over at her. “He would never lie to me.”

“Whatever you say, Y/N. But just remember: men ain’t shit”

“Tha.. thank you for that, Juno. But you’re not really the greatest person to say that. Especially since you’re biased as hell.”

“What? I am not biased!” 

“Yes you are”

Juno rolled her eyes as the two of you walked into the classroom. Anatomy, the board read.

Great, seeing bodies and stuff at 8 in the morning was gonna be so fun. And it was a block class. How fun.

✰

Lunch. Possibly the only good thing about being at this stupid school. You and Juno stand in line together, looking at all the options of food you can pick out. It’s not much. Pizza, nachos, salads, and hot dogs. Barf. 

You let out a sigh and grabbed a plate that had a pretty decent sized slice of pizza. Juno looks over at you and makes a face before she reaches over to grab a salad. The two of you quickly scan your school ids to pay for the food before you walk over to a table where Miles had been sitting. He had been there alone for a while now. 

He was fortunate enough to have his own food.

Juno sits in front of you two before she nudges her head over to the male who was too busy drawing in his stupid sketchbook to even notice that you were even there. You give a look before you sit down next to your boyfriend, peering over his shoulder a little to see what he was doing.

“Whatcha drawin’?”

“You.”

The answer was so flat, so blunt. It caused your cheeks to heat up when you realized that he was, in fact, drawing you. Miles had always been so good at drawing. It was one of his many talents. 

“You two make me sick.”

“You’re just jealous, Jun. It’s not our fault that your mystery girl doesn’t know you exist.”

Juno lets out a dramatic cry and puts her head down when you mention the girl she had a crush on since 8th grade. It was a little cute that she’s liked her for so long. Yet, she has never even attempted to make a move on her.

“I just wish Leni would notice me.”

“Just talk to her, it ain’t that hard.” That earned Miles a glare despite the fact that he didn’t even really see it. Not like he really cared. He was just speaking the truth.

“Not everyone is brave enough for that, Miles.”

“Jus’ quit being a fuckin’ pussy and talk to her.”

Juno glared at him more and started to stand up. You shake your head quickly to get her to sit down. You already knew where this was headed and you really didn’t want the two of them to get into a huge argument. Not again. Not this school year.

Juno lets out a noise of frustration before she sits back down, her hand gripping the fork in her hands tightly. 

“At least, I didn’t cheat on my girlfriend.”

That seemed to gain his attention. Miles looked up from his sketchbook and quickly put his pencil down, looking at her with a look that could only be described as anger.

“Where the hell did you hear that from?”

“Miles..”

“Callarse la boca”

You look offended by his words but you don’t have time to dwell on it before Miles speaks again, his voice clear with annoyance.

“Where did you hear that from, Juno? Huh?!”

“Dorothea told me.”

Miles takes a deep breath at that, his nostrils flaring slightly as he lets out a deep and heavy exhale. He was screwed because now you knew about it. And he knew how you were going to act now that you knew. 

“Why are you gettin’ so upset, babe? It’s not like it’s true, right?”

Miles looks over at you and sighs, his shoulders tensing up as he clears his throat awkwardly. Guess it was time to be honest now. 

“Mi vida, listen... it-”

You blink and stare at you, anger slowly starting to fill up your body. You don’t even let him get another word out before you raise your hand and slap him. The feeling caused his face to sting, his face turned to the side from the impact. He lets out a slow breath and nods to himself; he knew he deserved it. 

“Fuck you, Morales.”

And with those harsh words spat, you get up and walk away from him. Juno and Miles both watch as you leave before Juno looks over at him, shaking her head and letting out a sigh.

“You fucked up man.”

“No, really? Thanks for the news flash, sherlock.”

“Don’t get smart with me, boy.”

Miles glares at the girl as she gets up and goes after you. God, he was so fucking stupid!

✰

It’s been a week since you last spoke to Miles. You have been avoiding him at school and even went as far as changing seats in the classes you shared with him. You did everything in your power to try and be as far away from him as possible. Miles didn’t seem to let that affect him.

Even if you were far away from him, he would still do his very hardest to talk to you. To explain what happened between him and Venus over the summer. But of course, you didn’t listen. Couldn’t listen to a word he said. It would be nothing but a lie.

Juno was right; men ain’t shit.

It was almost sickening to think that your once loyal and sweet boyfriend would turn out to be a dirty, rotten cheater! And to think it only took one summer for him to change. That was so fucked up man. You hated how easily you had allowed yourself to be betrayed. 

How could someone be so sweet one minute then betray you the first chance they got? It really made no sense to you. 

A knock on your bedroom door was enough to pull yourself from your thoughts. Your head snapped up just as the door opened to reveal Juno, a sheepish smile on her face as she practically jumped on you.

“What are you doin’ here, Jun?”

“I was summoned by your father.”

You let out a snort and roll your eyes, moving over slightly to give her more room to sit on the bed. It was sweet how she wanted to comfort you but you already knew it wasn’t going to work. You were too hurt to ever feel better after just a few visits but you appreciate the effort.

“Should I beat his ass?”

“No.. it’s fine, Jun. I don’t really care, ya know? I already got over it!”

“Mhm. and is that why you’re still avoiding him?”

“Shut the fuck up.”

Juno lets out a chuckle and moves closer to you, wrapping an arm around your shoulder gently and pulling you closer for a side hug. It was the best thing she could think of doing right now. 

“Ya know.. He’s stupid for doing that to you. He don’t know what he’s missing.”

And that did it. Before you knew it, you had burst out into tears. Juno rubbed the side of your arm gently and allowed you to cry on her shoulder, soaking her shirt with your tears. She knew you probably needed this right now.

“I fuckin’ hate him, Jun.”

“I know, Y/N.”

“I wish I never met him!”

“I know, Y/N”

The two of you stay like that for an hour. Maybe longer. Who knew? It didn’t matter anyway. Juno was too busy trying to comfort you while you bawled your eyes out. It hurt so fucking much. 

All the trust that you had put into Miles was now gone. 

And it was all his fault. 

Seeing him everyday at school hurt worse than any pain imaginable. But at least you had Juno by your side, you knew she would never hurt you. She was your best friend. She was different than him.

You wish you had never fallen in love with Miles Morales.

[livingdreams97]

Sarah Cameron -- "The Ice Cream" (Part 2)

Sarah Cameron x Male reader/oc

Summary: Being the Kook Princess has never mattered to Sarah, especially when her heart beats and her eyes are only been fixed on a certain Pogue since she shared an ice cream with him at the age of 11.

Words: 4.291

PREVIOUS /// NEXT

Masterlist

POV You

I quickly put all the clothes possible into my backpack, after having written a letter to my grandparents where I explain everything that had happened this month and the reason for my departure. 

I close the backpack with my clothes in it, leaving the letter on the middle of my bed and taking one last look at my room.

With a deep breath, I leave my room through the window and get on my bike heading to the hangar where we have to met. JJ has a phanton in that hangar and we'll use that ship to escape the Outer Banks.

The summer had gone wrong in unimaginable ways. At the time I said that looking for gold was not a good idea, that it would bring us problems and that we would end up getting into trouble. But no one paid attention to me, the only one who listened to me was Kiara and the rest just said that nothing could happen.

Well, guess who was right and who is in serious trouble. Yes, as you imagined: us. It all started when my friend John B wanted to find out where his father was and prove that he was still alive. That led us to the Royal Merchant, which was the ship John B's father was looking for and the gold that was inside the ship.

We took a gamble several times to find the boat, but when we found it; The gold was gone and the dream of a better life disappeared with the tide. 

Kiara, Pope and I accepted it, but JJ and John B didn't want to accept it. So JB continued investigating and realized that the gold never sank with the ship; but Denmarck Tanny took it before the sinking.

He appeared overnight on the island and paid for everything with the Royal Merchant's gold. It turns out that before he was murdered, he hid the gold somewhere on his land and left a hidden message to his son about where it was. Message that JB with the help of Sarah discovered and we found out where it was.

And it was nothing more and nothing less than the house of the ax murderer. I wasn't sure if she murdered her husband with an axe or not, but people talk and sometimes they get it right.

Shortening everything; we found the gold. It turns out that in her basement there was a well and halfway down the well there was a hole. It is like the rabbit hole, when you enter you find unimaginable riches.

But before we could get the gold, Ward beat us to it and didn't leave a single ounce behind. But the worst is not that. When he tried to get the gold off the island, he ended up kidnapping Sarah and me; since we were together at that time. 

JB tried to stop him and let's just say that Rafe ended up killing Sheriff Peterkin while she was arresting Ward; his father.

They blamed JB, since I was half unconscious and the man wouldn't be able to blame his own daughter for a murder. Besides, in this way, he got rid of John B and so he couldn't say that Ward killed his father.

The rest is history and now we find ourselves on the run. Ward had made it clear that he would kill JB no matter what and I'm sure he's even capable of killing me too. 

So we had decided to flee the island, John B, Sarah and I to be safe. But everything was failing, I didn't know where John or Sarah were; whether they have reached the hangar or not.

My concern grows by the moment, knowing that JB could have been arrested and Ward could have kidnapped Sarah again. And this time I wasn't with her.

Y/n: What the fuck!- I exclaimed after having entered the hangar and finding Barry unconscious on the floor; and Pope choking Rafe with a rope or something.

JJ: That's it, Pope, you're killing him.- he says quickly; trying to get him to let go.

Kiara: Pope, stop it. - She screams scared next to our friend.

I quickly run over to the boys and gently kick Pope behind the knee. His knee gives out quickly, destabilizing him a bit and giving me time to grab him from behind and pull him away from Rafe.

Y/n: What the hell is on your mind, huh? - I asked him annoyed, pushing him aside and separating him from Sarah's brother.

JJ: Y/n, this is not the time.- he tells me somewhat scared.

Y/n: No, it is JJ.- I assure yhim, looking at him for a few moments. -What the hell were you thinking of doing, huh? Choke him and kill him? Don't you think we already have enough shit on us? - I ask him upset; looking at him like he was crazy.

Pope: I don't...- he starts but stops talking.

Y/n: You don't what? You weren't thinking, That's what's happening.- i growl, looking at Rafe and Barry on the floor. -Have the others arrived?- I ask Kiara and JJ.

Kiara: Not yet, we were about to take the boat into the water and wait for you. - She answers a little calmer.

Y/n: Well, come on, we don't have all day and the storm is getting closer and closer. - I say, approaching the boat and helping to take it out to the pier.

Kiara: JJ, are you sure this is going to work? - she asks a little unsure, while we put the boat in the water and it begins to float on its own.

JJ: It may be 40 years old, but it is the fastest and most reliable boat we can get right now. - He answers, placing some bags inside the boat. -We think there is enough food for the three of us.- he tells me with a grimace; pointing at the bags with his head.

Kiara: We have taken as much as possible from my parents' restaurant,.- she explains with a sigh. -How much longer are they going to take?- she asks after a few minutes.

Pope: Give them time, they will come.- he answers seriously and a little calmer.

But as soon as he finishes speaking, we hear police sirens approaching and we see one of the patrol cars approaching. The four of us quickly became alert, preparing for the worst and to run away as quickly as possible. But we all relax when John B gets out of the car.

Kiara: Excuse me? - confusedly questions.

Y/n: Damn.- I exclaim frustrated, since we have to go and he can't think of a better idea than to steal a police car.

Pope: I can't believe it- he exclaims; as we watch our friend walk towards us.

JJ: This is a joke.- he murmurs and I look at him a little amused.

John B: Shoupe let me take a walk.- he comments amusingly, a few centimeters away from us.

Kiara: Of course, because it's totally believable and for now I'm buying it. - she comments with irony and fun, approaching him and giving him a hug.

JJ: It hasn't been easy, but I brought the phantom and it runs like it was smart.- he says, throwing him the boat keys. -Are you ready?- he asks.

John B: And Sarah? - he asks and I look at him alarmed.

Y/n: Isn't she with you? - I asked worried. -You were supposed to be together.- I say, approaching him quickly.

John B: No, we separated in the marshes.- He answers me quickly. -She told me she would come.- he comments a little worried.

Pope: We haven't seen her, man.- he assures him and I feel fear run through my body.

Y/n: I'm not going to leave without her.- I assure them getting off the boat.

John B: Me neither.- He seriously supports me.

JJ: John B and Y/n, I know you guys don't like it but you have to go and as soon as possible.- he says seriously to both of us.

The idea does not cross my mind for a moment, I refuse to leave the island without her, much less leaving her in the hands of her father. I shake my head, seeing the surprise on everyone's faces and prepare a plan.

Y/n: I need the keys to your motorcycle JJ.- I tell him, stretching my hand towards him. -I'll take a quick turn and I'll be waiting for you at the long docks at the end.- I informed my friend JB; who nods in agreement.

Kiara: Y/n is crazy, you won't have time and you won't be able to leave. - she says a little worried, while I receive the keys from JJ and start walking towards the motorcycle.

Y/n: On a motorcycle you can get to the dock sooner than on a boat, I assure you, getting on the motorcycle and starting it up. I have time to take a quick look and arrive a few moments before John B to the dock.- I say, sure of myself and saying goodbye quickly to get away from my friends.

Sarah POV

I get off the paddle-surf board, getting on the grass and letting myself fall for a few moments. I don't know how long I've been in the marshes, swimming and trying to get to where we are; but I know it's a lot.

I can't be late, I promised Y/n when we parted last night that I would arrive and we could escape together. I have to keep my promise and get off this island with him. So after a few minutes of rest, I get up from the ground and start running towards where we will all met.

Ten minutes running and I feel like I'm going to faint. I'm not used to playing sports and right now it's taking a toll on me. I stop to try to breathe better and rest for a few moments. But I realize that it is too late and that the boys will have already gotten on the boat.

I think quickly, realizing that to get off the island, they have to go through the long docks at the exit of the marshes and that I might still be able to catch them.

I quickly run to the opposite side to where I was running, feeling every muscle in my body scream for me to stop and how breathing becomes increasingly difficult. But I think about Y/n, about the promise and how his eyes shine when they look at me and that is more than enough to give me energy.

I have to get there, for Y/n and for me; but mostly for Y/n. I can't imagine being without him, I've loved him since I was 11 when he dropped his ice cream and I shared mine with him. Since then I have liked him, but over time we grew apart and I found other people.

People who filled a void and space that belonged to him. A space that has been filled since the beginning of summer, by him and by that perfect kiss in his bathroom that started it all. 

I have waited a long time to be with him and now that he is my boyfriend; I'm not going to let it slip away.

With a smile on my face at the memory of my boyfriend, I run with the little energy and strength I have. In the distance I can see the entrance to the docks, causing enormous relief and hope within me. I just have to get to the dock and pray that the boys show up on the boat.

When I'm halfway along one of the docks, I see a ship approaching and I run faster to the end. I raise my arms in the air and start screaming; when I realize that John B is driving.

Sarah: John B! Y/n!- I shout with a big smile, feeling the relief come to me and I approach the edge of the pier. -Oh my god, I thought you were leaving without me.- I exclaim happily, getting on the boat and hugging John B. -Y/n?- I ask confused, when I turn around to greet him and can't find him.

John B: He's out looking for you, he's supposed to be here by now, but it's just you and not both of you.-  he answers worriedly.

Sarah: Well, let's wait for him.- I say a little scared that something has happened to him and he won't be able to arrive.

John B: We can't Sarah, we have to go now.- he tells me seriously, returning to the wheel and starting the boat.

Sarah: No! - I scream at him angrily. -We cannot leave him behind and leave without him, we still have some time.- I say fanatically, trying to get him to stop so I can wait for my boyfriend.

John B: We can't, if we don't leave now we will not be able to pass in front of the control center without being seen and there we will have a serious problem.- he explains shouting to me, so that I can hear him and understand him.

Sarah: But we can't leave him here.- I assure scared, holding onto the bar next to the helm. -My father or brother will kill him.- I comment scared.

John B: He was half unconscious, your father does not consider him a threat or he would have already reported him to the police.- he assures me; without separating his gaze from the water.

Sarah: But I can't leave him, I made him a promise and I have to keep it. - I say frustrated, feeling the first tear slide down my cheek. -Is your friend, you can't leave him here.- I remind him, feeling the emptiness inside me again.

John B: He has the pogues, he won't be alone and he knows where we are going.- It reminds me; trying to relieve myself.

Sarah: But I promised him.- I whisper with a broken voice, letting myself fall to the floor of the ship and sit with my back to the command; watching the marshes disappear.

I only see the marshes move further and further away, leaving behind a broken promise and feeling again that emptiness inside me that, thanks to Y/n, no longer existed. 

I return to where I was at the beginning of summer, empty and cold. But there is something that makes me feel worse, the promise that I am breaking and breaking my heart with it.

POV You

I don't know what happened or how it happened. The only thing I know is that something knocked me off the bike; shortly before the entrance to the docks and that I have Rafe on me. Everything has happened too quickly and I am somewhat confused by the situation.

I only feel Rafe's weight on my stomach, while his fists collide with my face repeatedly and he asks me the same thing.

Rafe: Where is Sarah? - he asks again for the seventh time, hitting my left cheekbone and making me grunt from the pain.

Y/n: I don't know, I was looking for her too.- I respond angrily, trying to get him off of me and prevent him from continuing to hit me.

Rafe: Why it is that I don't believe you, dirty pogue.- he growls annoyed, punching me two more times on the left side of my face and making me feel the blood in my mouth. -Where is Sarah?- he asks, giving me another blow.

Y/n: I swear I don't know.- I shout worried, since I'm starting to see blurry and only being able to use my left arm, becouse I can't shake him off of me.

Rafe: I'm going to try again.- he growls and hits me square in the nose; causing a shock of pain and a crack in my face followed by a scream on my part. -Where... is... my... sister... Sarah?- he asks, hitting my face hard with each word and with obvious anger.

I just blink disoriented, feeling like my body is shutting down and the pain is starting to be too much. I can assure you that the fall from the motorcycle has broken my right arm or at least dislocated my shoulder; because I can't move it without feeling like it's being ripped away from me.

My mind blurs, losing count of the punches that Rafe has given me and continues to hit me without stopping. I feel the swelling in my left eye, starting to notice how it is closing and leaving me less visibility.

Barry: Hey hey, stop stop stop or you'll end up killing him. I listen to him say it, but Rafe doesn't stop and continues hitting me.

Rafe: Answer! - He shouts in my face.

Y/n: I.II.. I do... don't ..know....- I respond in a choked manner, feeling the blood accumulate in my throat and begin to choke me.

Rafe: You are lying! - he shouts in my face again; hitting me again but with even more force.

I just stop fighting, letting my left hand fall to the ground and feeling that the pain is unbearable. But in a way, I feel like all the noise disappears and I stop feeling the pain from the blows. 

I feel a horrible cold pass through my back, wrapping around my body and making me stop feeling every extremity of it.

Tiredness invades me, my pupils feeling heavier than ever in my life and the only thing I see is Sarah. The only thing that comes to mind is her. The memory that started it all.

Flashback

My 11-year-old self leaves the town ice cream shop, with a huge smile and my mouth watering from the Brownie ice cream in my hand. My tongue takes a few licks, feeling the incredible flavor flood my taste buds and feeling the cold lower my body temperature.

But my happiness is short-lived, when I stick out my tongue to take another lick and someone accidentally bumps into me, causing me to drop the scoop of ice cream on the floor. Immediately sadness fills me, as I stare at my ice cream on the floor and feel my eyes watering.

That was my ice cream of the month and I won't be able to have another one until next month. My grandparents are not going to give me money for more and I have behaved very well. But my grandparents always say only one a month, that they don't have money and that they can't pay me more.

So I'm left watching my ice cream start to melt against the asphalt, holding back my tears and feeling completely sad.

XX: Here.- I hear a tender and small voice.

I look up from the ground, seeing a girl with pretty eyes and a pretty smile. But she's missing a tooth next to the big ones, although she still has a very pretty smile and I like that.

I notice her arm and how she is holding out a cone with white and brown ice cream to me. I look at her strangely, without really understanding what is happening and why she is offering me her ice cream. No one I know has the money to offer ice cream, especially not to a stranger.

XX: I saw that you dropped it and I thought we could share mine. - she offers with a small smile, with red cheeks and with her blonde hair moving in the wind.

It's like in those movies that grandma watches, where the wind moves the woman's hair and you can see how pretty she is. And she is very pretty, I like her little hole between her teeth and the chocolate color of her eyes; they shine a lot.

Y/n: Why? - I ask confused, looking between the ice cream and her little eyes.

XX: Because you are sad and I don't want you to be.- she answers with a little jump and a big smile.

Y/n: Don't you mind sharing it with me? - I asked hopefully, taking a step forward and getting closer to her.

XX: No, mommy told me that I have to share and that we have to be kind. - she answers me, offering me the ice cream again.

Y/n: But I'm a stranger.- I assure with a small grimace on my lips.

XX: I'm Sarah.- she introduces herself, stretching out her free hand and I offer her mine.

Y/n: I am Y/n.- I introduce myself with a smile.

Sarah: We are no longer strangers, now we can share ice cream and get to know each other. - She assures me with a big smile, making her cheeks turn redder and she looks even prettier.

Y/n: I like your eyes.- I comment, giving her ice cream a lick.

Sarah: Thank you.- she says looking at the ground for a second and looking up again. -I like yours, they are a very wow blue.- she says, nodding her head and I feel warmer than normal on my cheeks.

Y/n: Thank you.- I whisper embarrassed, looking at the ground for a few seconds and picking it up again; to watch her happily lick her ice cream.

End Flashback

I feel a tingle in the inside at that memory, knowing that that was the moment when everything started and changed my life. But the memory moves on to a more recent one, the memory from almost a week ago and the most significant of all.

Flashback

I keep my eyes closed, feeling the tranquility and peace of my room dimly lit by a lantern. One hand holds my head, to keep it a little elevated on the pillow, and the other gently caresses my girlfriend's back.

Sarah: What do you plan to do with your share of the gold? - I hear her ask me and I open my eyes to see her; stopping the movement of my hand.

Y/n: I have a few things on my mind.- I respond with a smile, seeing how she rests her chin on my chest and looks at me intently.

Sarah: What things? - She asks interested and with evident curiosity in her eyes.

Y/n: First, I'm leaving this island.- I assure her, watching her bite her delicious lip. -I would take my grandparents and give them a much better life than the one they have here.- I explain, seeing how she smiles and lets me see her perfect teeth.

Sarah: And where would you go? - she asks, moving on top of me, placing both palms of her hands on my chest and resting her chin on them.

Y/n: I don't know, somewhere quiet; in which they don't try to kill me every day and there are no pogues or kooks. - I respond with a small sigh, moving my hand again and continuing with the caresses on her back.

Sarah: And would you leave me here alone? - she asks with a playful pout and I deny amused.

Y/n: Of course not, you would come with me and we would have our own house. - I assure her smiling, seeing the pout leave her face and be replaced by a bright smile full of emotion.

Sarah: And what would our house be like? - she asks me excitedly.

Y/n: A white house, with black details, with one or two floors and with a nice porch at the entrance. - I begin to detail. -With a large garden to plant flowers and if we have children in the future we can play in it.- I explained, seeing a different shine in her eyes, unknown to me.

Sarah: Do you want to have children with me? - she asks me and an involuntary smile appears on my face.

Y/n: I want everything with you princess, I want to marry you, for us to form a family together, for us to live all the adventures possible and to grow old together like modern grandparents. - I reply amused, listening to her laughter and feeling the accelerated flutter of my heart.

Sarah: I also want to do all that with you.- she assures me, calming her laughter. -I want us to have at least three children, I don't care what they are and what they like; I just want to be happy by your side. - she comments with a small happy sigh.

Y/n: And we will be.- I assure her, moving my hand from under my head so I can caress her soft warm cheek with it.

Sarah: And I want a dog.- she says confidently, leaning on my palm and leaving a kiss on it.

Y/n: Anything you want. - i smil softly and completely in love with her; and everything she does.

Sarah: Do you promise? - she asks full of hope.

Y/n: I promise.- I answer honestly; knowing that I will do everything in my power to fulfill it.

Sarah: I love you.- she whispers, moving over my body, placing herself completely on top of me and leaving her lips a few centimeters from mine.

Y/n: I love you too, princess.- I whisper, leaning forward and joining our lips.

Our lips move calmly, letting our hands run over each other's naked body with affection and without any other intention than the knowing how much we love each other.

End Flashback

The worst of all was not the blows or the pain; but that I was going to break the promise and fail it. I would never end up fulfilling that promise and it became increasingly clear to me. The fatigue was increasing and the more I let myself be carried away by the darkness that promise gets further away.

The last thing on my mind before everything was complete darkness was the promise and my mental apology to Sarah for not being able to keep it. 

An apology, for not being strong and capable enough to carry out that promise and having failed it in the worst possible ways.

I just hoped that she wouldn't hold a grudge against me, because I know that it would hurt her more and she would suffer longer because of me. 

And that is something I would never forgive myself for. She is too valuable and does not deserve to suffer more than she has already suffered these 16 years.

[coffeeeinbed]

. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁ ⟡ ݁ . ⊹ ₊ ݁.

date: 18th july, 2024 time: 8PM

coffee chat #5 ☕️

my girlfriend is on a plane right now, she was away on vacation for the weekend, and whenever we're long distance (this time it wasn't for long, but sometimes it can be a couple of months at a time) i get so excited for when i get to see her again, but even more excited for our future together.

side note: that is us in the second picture from left

but since she's on the plane, i thought i would write this sappy little post about her, because i love her so much and i don't ever shut the fuck up about her.

we met at the beginning of college, were friends for a year, and then started dating during the summer going into sophomore year (our first and one of the worst long distance stints).

now, we live off campus together with a little orange cat, and are entering our senior year of college. we've started talking about where we're going to live after school (probably a bigger city since we both have to go corporate once we graduate).

and of course we're very serious about our future together. we've been together for over two years and have discussed marriage and kids, and where we want to live when we retire. but sometimes it REALLY hits me that she is my forever person.

someone asked me if that was scary. or if i was afraid i'd get bored. confidently i said no, i knew that i wouldn't but i couldn't explain why. though now i've worked out how to explain that i know i won't get bored.

no one ever asks you if you're gonna get bored of your parents, or your siblings, uncles, aunts, cousins, or grandparents. they're your family, and you're accustomed to the fact that they are going to be in your life forever.

and she's my family now. one day she will be my wife, and the mother of my children, and we will build a beautiful family together, and i will love her until the day i die. there is not a possibility in which i will grow bored of her presence, because the way i feel about her is the exact same way i felt about my family. and though im accustomed and confident in that fact, that doesn't make it any less boring.

i miss her dearly and i'm really excited for her to come back tonight. it was only a few short days apart, but it's little breaks like these that make me realize how detrimental she is to my day to day. i miss waking up next to her, giving her a kiss on the forehead when i leave for the day and giving her a hug when i get home. asking her how her day was and getting to divulge the nitty gritty details of mine. i miss eating dinner together and getting a sweet treat. and cozying up beside her as we both drift off to sleep, and get to do it all over.

tonight, we'll fall asleep next to each other, and though it'll be the same as any other night we've spent together, this time will be different. i'll look at the outline of her in the moonlight and remember everything i've thought about this weekend. i won't just be falling asleep next to the girl of my dreams, but i'm falling asleep next to the most magical future i could ask for.

[shortpplfedup]

Chapter 7: My Heart Represents the Moon

Wrecked. This show has absolutely fucking wrecked me. Like...ITSAY/IPYTM-level wrecked. I'm never going to recover. Jam comes to town, and Ms. Hong departs in the absolute saddest episode of the entire series, yet you're still left with a sense of hope amidst the wreckage.

Khaotung motherfucking Thanawat y'all. Gaipa gives us the full range of human emotion this week, from joking with Leng about how he feels sad for Jim losing out on him, to having a full on breakdown as he sings 'The Moon Represents My Heart' at Ms. Hong's cremation. I absolutely knew how talented Khaotung is, but honestly he blew me away this episode. You could feel the layers of sadness as Ms. Hong's sudden death piles up on top of Jim's rejection. The moment Gaipa comes out of the hospital room to tell Jim, Leng and Li Ming that Ms. Hong is gone...I don't think I've ever seen a more accurate depiction of that kind of moment in all of cinema. The way he can't even comprehend it, then can't say it, then it tumbles out and he just crumples...honestly every time I was on the verge of being okay Gaipa would break down again and I would be in shambles. I don't go in much for hyperbole so when I tell you that this is an award-winning performance, know how sincerely I mean that.

Jam's unannounced arrival stirs all kinds of pots over at Jim's house, as Jim finally decides to discuss the New Year's kiss he witnessed with Li Ming at the worst possible time and in the worst possible way, not knowing Jam was there and could hear them. Jim's struggle to accept Li Ming's sexuality is threaded throughout the episode. Jim and Li Ming (of course) fight about it. Then Jim tries to discuss it with Jam calmly but of course that's a fraught conversation because Jam's comments about his own sexuality live rent-free in Jim's head, along with the ghost of Beam's betrayal. Jim eventually seeks Wen's advice, which is a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig step forward for him, and of course Wen gently chides him, telling him literally all the things he already knows intellectually but doesn't feel emotionally: that Li Ming being gay isn't a bad thing, that Li Ming isn't gay because of Jim's influence, and that yes, the world might be harder on him because he's gay, but that doesn't mean he can't have a good life. Eventually, Jim and Li Ming settle into a new normal where Jim can tease Li Ming about 'trying' Heart and liking him, and Li Ming can tease Jim back about minding his own business.

The other pot Jam stirs is Li Ming's very presence at Jim's house, as she wants to take him back north with her. Whether Li Ming came to live with Jim before Beam died or after I'm not sure (he may have been with his grandparents before coming to Jim, he mentioned living apart from his mother for '5 or 6 years' and Beam only died 4 years ago), but he's been with Jim for years at this point. Jim has essentially been the one raising him. But Jam's stable now, she's about to get married, to a man with some means, and she wants to try to be a mother again and provide for her son. Jim, surprisingly, tries asking Li Ming what he wants rather than telling him what it's going to be, and the ensuing conversation is a new direction for them, a first stab at a new kind of communication. And we discover that as much as he and Jim fight and argue, Li Ming is clear about who he considers as his parent. As he tells Jim, he's not sure how he feels about his mother, but he knows he loves his uncle.

Jim continues his softening and opening up to Wen, essentially admitting to him that he wants him around, but he's still not quite sure of what that means for them in the future. That sniff kiss Jim gives Wen, aside from somehow being the hottest sniff kiss I've ever seen, is a promise of a kind; it says 'give me time, but yes'.

Side Dishes

I know that Alan/Gaipa scene will make a lot of folks happy.

Alan releasing Wen from the responsibility of taking care of him was hard to watch. He's so sad, and seeing Wen immediately meet Jim as he drives away makes him even sadder. Awww, you'll be ok Alan!

Ms. Hong seems to have left Gaipa a very rich man. I think I have some idea of what he's going to do with that.

Heart's parents finally starting to learn sign...they're trying to make amends and reconnect with their son, and Heart seems to be really happy about that.

Li Ming not making the slightest move to help his mom with her bag at any point was a clear indication of his feelings.

Li Ming not understanding how his mom could have loved his dad and also love her new husband, because she loves them differently is so perfectly, preciously young of him.

So Beam's parents stole everything Jim had except the damn car after Beam's death, and they could do that because Jim had no legal protections as Beam's partner, and Beam put nothing in place for him. He LITERALLY had to start from scratch when Beam died. I think we've finally found some villains in this piece. Also Thai BL continues its marriage equality push.

Jim is FINALLY gonna close that damn diner and I'm happy and sad at the same time. Him deciding not to buy the place and also cancelling the lease is him finally taking a step forward into his life after Beam.

Finale tomorrow! What the hell am I gonna do when this show is over?

[azems-familiar]

Lelesu Lesu

Nicknames: Lele (but only if you're Corrain or Hythlodaeus)

Age: 27 during Endwalker

Birthday: uhhhhhh. 32nd sun of the first astral moon? i think? i'd have to open the game to check tbh

Race: Dunefolk Lalafell

Gender: cis female, though she's not particularly fussed about gender and wouldn't really argue being gendered other ways

Orientation: some flavor of greyromantic, exclusively attracted to men when she is, some flavor of ace spectrum, sex-favorable

Profession: Warrior of Light, Scion of the Seventh Dawn responsible for Ishgard (quietly), and on the rare occasion, guest instructor for the Temple Knights

Physical Aspects

Hair: long, black, kinky curls, with a light green dye in the ends

Eyes: dark purple. the right one used to be paler and now is solid silver from scarring

Skin: dark brown with warm undertones

Tattoos/Scars: some various minor scarring across her body, a large scar across her chest/abdomen; small thin scar across her right cheek/lips; scarring around her right eye. dragon tattoo along the left side of her face

Family

Parents: her biological parents are Ul'dahn merchant-nobles who own a mine of some kind in Thanalan. she's never been close with them and no longer particularly considers them her parents; instead, the closest thing she has to a father-figure is Edmont de Fortemps, who she has been very close with since early HW but especially once Haurchefant died

Siblings: Artoirel de Fortemps, via swearing brotherhood, which means that by technicality Emmanellain is also her brother. she's not as close with him as she is with Artoirel but she does care for both of them quite a bit. in universes where they're both there, she also considers Corrain to be her little brother and will sometimes refer to him as such

Grandparents: not really relevant

Others: her partners are Aymeric, Hythlodaeus, and Emet-Selch - post-EW she and Aymeric get engaged, and she has some kind of nebulous queerplatonic Thing going on with Hyth and Emet that is not fully defined.

Skills

Abilities: the red mage and sage skill trees, a solid grasp on conjury and some basic white mage skills (which she no longer uses), some of the early marauder skills. formal manners - she was raised among nobility - and some business management skills (Ul'dahn). basic needlework skills, a necessity for adventurers, and a solid grasp on survival skills

Hobbies: reading everything about magic she can get her hands on. swimming - she didn't have much opportunity to in Ul'dah and now takes every chance she can get. post-endwalker she's taken to trying to find a way to bring creation magicks properly back into the current-day star - yes, this is a hobby for her. possibly fishing? (these are still in development. partly because she is very duty-focused and has kept quiet about her hobbies.)

Traits

Most positive trait: her determination and dedication to her duty. between this and her kindness, which together alongside her love for Etheirys and its people are what keep her on the heroic path, even when she wants to falter.

Worst negative trait: probably a tossup between her tendency to wallow in guilt/failure and how she handles grief, which is poorly - she also has some struggles with anger that tend to get very out of hand when she's dealing with loss, which is what led her to pursuing a revenge quest against Thordan VII

Likes

Colors: reds, purples, blues

Smells: fresh bread, petrichor, pine trees, leather oil

Textures: anything soft and fuzzy, feathers, sand (both wet and dry; yes she loves the beach. yes she's a little insane)

Drinks: hot chocolate (though it reminds her of Haurchefant every time she drinks it now), coffee, chai

Other Details

Smokes: no.

Drinks: yes, on occasion, though she rarely goes beyond tipsy, and then only in the company of those she trusts absolutely

Drugs: nope

Mount Issuance: prior to endwalker, she basically exclusively used the black chocobo Hauchefant gave her, which also happens to be the chocobo she learned to ride on. post-endwalker, however, she usually flies around on Argos, though she'll use her chocobo when it's....uh, not necessarily appropriate to be riding around on a glowy golden dog from thirteen thousand years ago that can fly

Been Arrested: does being almost-deported in Sharlayan count? and there was the bloody banquet....

tagged by @gatheredfates (sort of) thank you! this was very fun, though it took me many days to do, oops.

tagging: @sunderedazem @akirakirxaa @designsdefiance @sae-mian and honestly idk who else of my mutuals/followers have or haven't done this yet, so if you haven't and see this and want to, feel free to tag me for it! i love seeing everyone's ocs

[acrossthewavesoftime]

Songs about (Northern) Ireland by Non-(Northern) Irish Artists: Worst to Best

Arising from a conversation with @cparti-mkiki on the famed Les Lacs du Connemara, I decided to make a poll in which participants may vote on the worst song about (Northern) Ireland by a non-Irish artist.

The vote contains solely songs that touch upon historical and political issues from Irish-born soldiers in the American Civil War to the Troubles to Ed Sheeran's grandparents' cross-confessional marriage.

A few caveats:

i do not mean to imply that only Irish people can have an opinion on (Northern) Irish history and politics, or can't make art relating to it; yet naturally, their voices should be heard first, taken seriously, and treated with greater weight and above all, respect.

Especially for artists with no first-hand connection to a political cause and/or historical event they write about, the slope between a genuine protest song and the commercial exploitation of current events or a political sentiment is a very slippery one. It is wit this backdrop in mind that I made this poll. None of the revenue created by any of these songs (to my knowledge at least; except perhaps in a way, Les Lacs du Connemara) directly profitted Irish people or organisations, and sometimes, rather odd and unfortnuately-phrased takes shine through in dodgy lyrics that betray an evident lack of understanding of the situation at hand.

Please note that the mere inclusion of a song on this list does not necessarily mean I think it is absolutely horrible; this is just a selection from a wider pool of possible contestants, narrowed down to fit into a Tumblr poll.

The rules:

Tumblr polls are limitted to 10 options, so I picked 9 songs fitting into the outlined cateogry that I could think of and added the tenth option of leaving your own addition in the tags.

Please vote on the song you think is the worst of the lot. The best, conversely, will be the one with the least votes.

In the poll, the songs are listed chronologically in order of their release from 1977 to 2017.

If you're unfamiliar with a song or just curious, I'll include links to them on YouTube and a lyrics page under the cut below the poll.

For the moment, I'll hold back on my opinions on (some of) the songs featured in the poll so as to not influence the results, but feel free to add your own opinions, points of critique and discussions or, if arising, corrections!

The Poll:

Belfast (I, English version) – Marcia Barrett/Boney M. (1977) Lyrics

Belfast (II, German version) – Gilla (1977) Lyrics

Les Lacs du Connemara – Michel Sardou (1981) Lyrics

The House of Orange – Stan Rogers (1984) Lyrics

It's a Hard Life Wherever You Go – Nanci Griffith (1989) Lyrics

La Ballade Nord Irlandaise – Pierre Manuel Séchan aka Renaud (1991) Lyrics

Ireland – Garth Brooks (1995) Lyrics

Belfast to Boston – James Taylor (2002) Lyrics

Nancy Mulligan – Ed Sheeran (2017) Lyrics

[benjaminalphabet]

it's strange how possible it is to still love someone who hurt you so deeply, how almost unavoidable it is sometimes.

a person can rewire your entire brain with the things they do, your instincts, your thought processes, your ability even to love other people and you can still catch yourself in moments of nostalgia for them. you can still find yourself loving them, cherishing the memories you have with them and the time you knew them at the very same time that you're thanking god you made it out alive, that you're hoping you never see them again.

the year i was eighteen was the worst of my life, but i have some of the sweetest memories of my first apartment. i think about that first morning all the time, when i woke up and she was standing at the end of my bed. there was this particular Saturday kind of light coming in from the window, and she was holding a drink carrier with McDonald's iced coffees, she woke up before me and ordered them for us. we hadn't unpacked anything yet, the day before we had moved all of our boxes in and then went to a concert. we eased into it though, we spent the whole morning moving boxes around but not opening any of them. we just wanted to make enough space in the living room so that we could set up our TV and watch Big Mouth like we had talked about doing so many times during the months leading up to finally moving in.

we would sit in this parking lot behind the skatepark in our garbage hometown and pass a bong back and forth (it was shaped like a skull and we had named it Julie, but i don't remember why). she drove this ancient brown truck that was so shitty, the weed smell was so deeply embedded into all of the seats that you could smell it from across a parking lot, eventually she stopped even taking it to campus. every morning we would meet at this apartment building across the street from our school and i would drive us. we would leave her truck there. she would only fill the gas tank a quarter way up, and we had to jump it all the time, and drive down the dirt roads with its flat tires, but it had a huge center console and we would use it like a coffee table, and it was warm throughout the winter, and the seats were big enough to sleep in for all the nights we got drunk on Malibu rum parked behind the skatepark. it snowed a lot that winter and we were dumb and seventeen and all we wanted was to move to Denver, but the truck was warm, and we would watch Big Mouth on one of our phones and talk about how by the summer we would be watching it in our new apartment; it was a fantasy but we were right! that was the best part, we were right.

but we didn't know how much more than just that would happen in that place.

we would get drunk a lot, and her boyfriend would come over all the time, but mine never would because she hated him. so i would lie to her and tell her i was going to spend the night at my grandparents' house, like i was having an affair. sometimes i would be really clever about it and bring home books, or baked goods, or dish towels, and i would have all the evidence of being exactly where i said i was. that was before she started reading my journal and tracking my location, and then there was no point in lying anymore. we would share music, and run errands, and go to concerts. i still think the hardest i've ever laughed in my life was with her. we would talk to each other in silly voices and accents, and secret languages, and we would fight with each other in code words, and writing on the wall, and text messages.

to rival the memory of her holding the coffees at the end of my bed in the morning, i have another one of her standing in my bedroom doorway with a bottle of wine in the middle of the night. that was the night she assaulted me, and then made me talk to the police officers who showed up at our door when she locked herself in the bathroom screaming. i had to tell them everything was okay, i had to tell them she was okay, and so was i. the next morning she was gone when i woke up, and when she got home she told me she had spent the whole day driving around the city looking for drugs. she was violent and pathological. she was my best friend, and i loved her.

on her nineteenth birthday, we drank malt liquor on the living room floor while her boyfriend tried on new clothes in her bedroom. she played this song, Glowing, i'm so sorry to hear that you're going but you'll be happy to know that you're glowing, and she got really close to my face and stared at me really hard. her eyes looked like they were made out of glass and she said, "this song is about you. you're glowing, and you don't even know it, but i need you to know it. you're glowing, you're glowing, you're glowing." it was one of those few fleeting and fragile moments where she loved me too. now that it's over i'm just glad i survived.

and that's the double-sided coin i keep flipping in my mind lately. i worked so hard putting myself back together in the nuclear fallout of our friendship when it was all finally over. it took me a long time to finally feel like myself again. i had to move in with my big brother because no one trusted me to be alone. i have spent the last five years stitching myself back up, icing the bruises she left on my throat, putting scar cream over the places that still hurt - and they do still hurt sometimes, i think maybe they always will. and sometimes, when it's quiet and i'm alone, or i taste Malibu rum, or when i hear one of those songs by one of those bands she loved, or when i become unignorably aware of all the ways she rubbed off me, even though i'm happier now, even though my roses are finally growing back, even though i'm sober now, even after the EMDR and the hospital stays, sometimes it'll hit me that we can never go back; and in some fuzzy and incoherent way, i'll miss it. i'll miss her.

the good and the bad, they don't cancel each other out. they're not equal, not even close. i can still hear the screaming, i can still feel every word she let tear from her throat. i spent more time cleaning up after her than i ever spent with her. i hold everyone at arm's length because of things that happened during that year. she completely restructured how i approach people, and how i avoid them. i have boundaries and fears now that i didn't before, and sometimes on cold nights i'll open my window and the air outside will smell like car exhaust, cinnamon, and ice and i'll hear her music playing from the next room over, i'll feel her weight on the other side of the couch where in my mind we're still sitting, i'll feel that burn in the back of my throat exactly how it was all those years ago.

when those moments come i'm never sure what to make of them. i'm not sure where the pieces of us land when they fall. i have this voice note in my icloud of us talking to each other in the truck and when i listened to it again there were moments when i couldn't tell our voices apart. when you love someone like that, you never really escape them, your love for them will start echoing and stretching, contorting itself, leaking into the love you grow after you lose them. you give pieces of yourself away in order to save room for the pieces of them you're still holding onto. sometimes my new friends will pattern off of me, but the mannerisms they pick up were her's in the beginning. and i'm the only person who will ever know that. when someone you love takes a boxing glove and a loaded gun to all the most tender parts of you, the love doesn't go away. it just bruises. it survives, and it learns to walk with a limp, and so do you, and you heal but it doesn't, and you're forced to find a seat for it at your table, or at least some comfortable box in the attic. it's strange and melancholy, and you have to remember that nostalgia is not famous for its honesty.

i think of her when i catch myself in the act, when i make bad decisions, and i remind myself of all the lessons i've already learned the hard way. she completely changed my life, she's foundational to this person i am, and if i'm lucky she'll never know that. love and pain have become some kind of balancing act that i am always performing. i cannot put either of them down, but in my two hands i now cannot hold anything else.

[thoughtfullyrainynightmare]

Hiiiiiiyaaaaaa~! Hi there Laura~! I'm here to appreciate an under-appreciated blorbo! My sweet lady Finesse! And I'm not just here to ask questions, I'm here to give my own thoughts on the questions (I do have one question for you though, tee hee). But like, just please accept my Finesse ramblings.

🍁 - The most interesting thing about Finesse is her proximity to the royal throne. She calls Augustus great uncle so her grandparent is a sibling of the current king. We don’t know how many other people are in House Kira besides Damnatio but Finesse is part of the though (though possibly considered a part of a branch family since her last name is different). But she’s still probably in line for succession. Queen Finesse when? 😤

🍂 - Finesse's strength as a person is her courage. When Langris was possessed and Ratry going crazy in House Kira, Finesse threw herself at his back and begged him not to hurt everyone. She saw that and didn't hesitate to try to stop "Langris". She has no combat abilities, she's frail in general, but the bravery! It's amazing! I also want to point out how positive she is, not made bitter in the slightest by her weak constitution or the fact that she's been placed in an arranged marriage. I love her, your honor.

🌼 - I think what makes Finesse a strong character is her understanding. She shows no fear towards Langris after the elf possession. She forgives Finral for his womanizing ways and seems to eagerly await his efforts to be a man that will make her happy. And I think that's something both brothers need for their character arcs. She's someone to see the worst sides of them (even though Langris was possessed, it's still a bad look) and to still accept them.

🌻 - Literally she's got a weak constitution and is sickly. Enough said. But also... I think she was a little bit dense when trying to talk to a possessed Langris. It clearly wasn't Langris so like, girl, run!

🌿 - Weakness as a character, I'd say it's the fact that she wasn't brought up sooner. Like, Finral was having moments all the way back in Seabed Temple but she doesn't come up until the Royal Knights Exam. I really wish she'd been established sooner, that's all. I want more Finesse content essentially.

☘️ - I strongly believe she has Light Magic. We know it runs somewhere in the Kira family. Plus, I think the pressure to get her married and to sire an heir might be because she has such a rare and beloved magic attribute and the royal family wants that passed on.

🤝 - I’m pulling this straight out of nowhere but imagine Finesse having a friendship with Mereoleona. Mereo has the strength of body and character to be as free as she wishes. Imagine Finesse and Mereo sitting down for tea when Mereo is visiting civilization. Imagine Finesse listen in awe at Mereo’s many adventures in the wild. She’s jealous that she’s not as strong but she loves that Mereo is willing to sit down with her and indulge her curiosity about the world.

💎 - In your opinion, if Finesse had the strength to join a Magic Knight squad and wanted to be a knight (I honestly don't think she's be interested but this is just a hypothetical), which one would she go to?

Hiiiiyyaaa Erika!!! Oh! Finesse! Yes the sweet lady with blue eyes and a kind heart! She most definitely is under appreciated.

🍁- No but that is interesting. I've been rooting for King Nozel and Wizard King Fuegoleon, but Finesse as a Queen would be really interesting. Granted that we don't know enough about the line of succession or the Kiras (or Calmreichs for that matter) to say a lot. The fact that Auggie is eager to get her married does speak about her being very close to the throne, at least in my mind. I mean, why else would Auggie bother? The question is: Does Auggies consider her as a threat or not? XD /lh,hj However, this is a really interesting piece of trivia when it comes to Finesse.

🍂- You're right and you should day it! The fact that she is frail, and knows it, makes her action even braver, because she must've known that she had no real chance of stopping "Langris". And yet, she didn't hesitate. Because she's not the kind of a woman to stand idly by in the face of danger. Might not have been the smartest action to make, but sometimes the right things to do, are not the smart things to do.

Never thought I'd type such a sentence, but .. yeah.

🌼- Exactly! What strength she doesn't have in her body, she has in spirit. And she knows how much it must mean for both of the brothers, to see that they can be loved and are loved even with all their flaws, because everyone has them. Everyone has done wrong things in their life, and it doesn't mean that they don't deserve happiness as a result.

She has strength as most others.

🌻- Ah, the double edge of the sword of bravery. The pleading and talking to "Langris" like he was Langris, was probably out of desperation. I mean... if I was in that situation, I'd probably do the same. But as far as weaknesses go, this isn't a big one, even if it might be her greatest.

🌿- She is essential to the story, granted that it's through the Space Brothers, but it's difficult to place her into the picture because she just exists and she exists as a romantic interest. A part of me hopes that Tabs would give us something more to Finesse, put her in the spotlight because of something and explain more about her, but another part of me knows that she probably doesn't get addressed again.

Maybe that's be my complaint of her as a character too, that she just seems to exist as a romantic interest when there would be so much potential in her too. I mean... a compassionate and understanding Queen Finesse Calmreich when?

☘️- Now... would they have wanted her to marry Morgen in that case? Or would the whole "House of Faust" thing with the devils been too much to handle? Granted that then they might have had another asset (in devil power) very close to the thrown?

Regardless, that is a very good point about her magic to be something rare.

I'm even entertaining the idea of it being something that you'd want to combine with Spacial Magic to create something even more potent than Light or Spacial. What that might be, I'm not true. (Time anyone? XD ) Other than that, it's a bit difficult to say anything about her magic per se, granted that we don't know what it is.

🤝- As I read this, for some reason I imagined her sitting down with Nebra, but you're right. Mereo and Finesse would, perhaps, have a kind of mutual understanding that'd allow them to spend time together and catch up. They also are both the kinds of people who don't put others down to feel good about themselves. Mereo can be harsh, but she wants people to be strong.

So, I think any discussions Finesse has with Nebra might be a courteous get together between... royals.

💎- The Blue Roses, I think. She might not be so... averse to men as Charlotte, but I think that Finesse is a strong woman and someone who could portray a lot of the BRK ideals. My other choice would be the CLK, but I know I'm biased towards the Lions, and we all know that the Lions usually have very physically fit people. (Sorry Finesse.) So, I think that the BRK would be her choice.

[marshmallowprotection]

Do you have any sort of oc bible or easy way to read about your mysme ocs and all their timelines and stuff? I’m interested to know more about them

I do not have an OC Bible posted! But, God knows you asked me something at the right time. If you want to read about them the fast way, they have information sheets here. But, I think you're here for more so check under the cut for everything there is to know!

(Lila Lancelot)

(Minji Cho)

(Judas)

Lila Lancelot is my main MC.

A fashionable but shy Lolita who struggles with confidence and insecurities. She's the classic example of somebody who can be so confident and loud with friends, but has such a hard time with strangers. She's twenty-one years old and has spent most of her life as a black sleep.

No matter how hard she tried to be good enough for her mother, she simply... couldn't measure up. Every step of the way, it became a game of carrot on a string. If there was a chance for her to get closer, she would get there to quietly realize she would need to keep going. Because of this, she has a super poor sense of self-esteem.

She tries to see the best in people no matter what but sometimes it can backfire on her. A lot of people would say that she's naive. That simply isn't true.

She wants people to be inherently good so she doesn't have to contend with the fact that there are some people in the world who aren't. She knows very well that some people are cruel and as painful as that is, sometimes it's easier to try to see the best in people. That can be to her detriment sometimes.

She spent her entire life being compared to her older sister, because Lucy couldn't ever do a thing wrong in their mother's eyes. But, even though the two of them were seemingly pushed against each other in a game of their mother's creation, neither of them hold that against each other or hate each other. It was a painful realization, though.

Lila and Lucy... they were always close. Lucy never wavered when their mother berated Lila. She would... make a distraction in their conversation or sway their mother to think about something else whenever she could do so.

Lila never hated or blamed her sister for the invisible line between them. She admired the way her sister sparkled. Lucy was always by her side! In many ways, Lucy was the person she could trust to take her side if something went wrong. Her sister was her confidante in every way imaginable.

When Lila couldn't go to her mother or father, she could find Lucy to talk about anything and everything that was happening in the house, at school, and everywhere else.

But, as big sisters do, Lucy, being five years her sister's senior, moved out to college and that left Lila alone with her parents. Her job in the house got worse. She spent her teens cleaning the house and being forced to stay home when she wasn't at school or work on her grandparents property in the fall. That... was the best time of year.

Her grandparents own and operate a cute little garden that is open to photographers year-round and they really put the passion in during the fall when pumpkins are about and they can build their maze! Working for them got her out of the house and she made a point of trying to go there as much as possible.

Her mother is the kind of person who expects perfection out of everything she does.

But she can never be perfect enough so the carrot on the string always feels like it'll never be given to her. Her father is the kind of person who looks away whenever her mother says or does something out of line or out of turn.

He wasn't an inactive participant in the worst aspects of her emotional abuse, but his inability to do or say anything left Lila in a place where she couldn't trust either of her parents. The more time she spent fighting to be good enough for them every day, the more exhausted and insecure she became.

Things got a little bit easier after 2 years of the same routine, if only because her sister had a fling with a friend and fell pregnant in the aftermath. Her mother focused every bit of her attention on Lucy and the baby. It was easier for Lila to focus on her classes and it kept her from feeling overwhelmed for a little bit. Eventually, Mia was born and most of the noise in the house was peaceful! Lila had the time to explore new hobbies, namely Lolita and photography! She finally had an outlet to enjoy herself! Plus! She had more time to be in the gardens at her grandparents house.

Things finally had to be moving in the right direction now... but, they were only the calm before the storm.

Lucy moved in with her girlfriend a short time after Mia was born and things went right back to how they were. The cycle had begun once again, and Lila knew she had to get out of there. She kept saving her money and squaring it away until she had a sizable amount in there to start over when she had something in mind and when it was safe to do so.

The pattern continued for two and a half years until—

Tragedy struck.

Her father died in an accident and that sent the family into shambles. Her mother was in a state of agony as far as anyone could tell... but Lila knew better than that. Her mother... kept throwing parties and inviting folks over to grieve all the time. She wanted the pity to feel better about herself. She wanted people to feel sympathetic and to offer their care in every way she could milk.

Lila hated it. That wasn't just because of the fact that she had no time to grieve or understand her pain, she was the only one cleaning and cooking for all of those events... Anytime, anywhere, if folks came over, it was Lila's job to take care of all of it for her "sad mother".

Years of being treated like a windup doll who could never be good enough finally became too much. She broke down one day in the middle of one of those get togethers and screamed at her mother with every ounce of agony she'd experienced over the years.

Her mother claimed to be humiliated and the rest of the family, sans her grandparents were all but happy with her about her actions. That... stung. She thought she could turn to Lucy to find comfort and understanding, but her big sister didn't offer that this time.

Grief makes people struggle in the worst kind of way no matter how you slice it... and Lucy believed their mother felt horrible. She got so caught up in her grief about the loss and the pain she imagined their mother to be feeling, she made the mistake of assuming that Lila wasn't being pushed to the edge during the get-togethers...

If only because Lucy couldn't come over all that often and she heard a lot of the story secondhand. Lila and Lucy had a major argument over this misunderstanding and failed to communicate the way they truly needed to.

Lila felt abandoned.

She decided she needed to get the hell away from her family for as long as possible to be able to not only grieve but be herself. So, the first thing she did was throw a dart at a map and book the first flight out of dodge. It was just her luck that it landed in Seoul, and truly unbeknownst to her, her future.

Depending on the Timeline, she can end up in Mint Eye with Ray, or she can end up as a lowly assistant to Unknown. She has a huge swathe of concepts and timelines since she has to match with Saeran or Ray!

Stories:

Flowers of Paradise is a collective series about her different timelines.

(Note: Her original story concept that was written years ago for Another Story is not her canon now. Every single story outside of Convallaria Majalis and Primula Vulgaris is canon. I need to rewrite her main story with Ray, Suit Saeran, and GE Saeran.)

Minji Cho is a secondary MC.

A girl with shimmering starlight in her eyes who dreams of owning her own café in the future. She's the kind of person you want to be friends with. She is supportive and only sees the best in the people around her. But, she isn't naive to think people aren't cruel... She knows that there are people she'll never be able to understand in the world, but she still wants to be compassionate.

She's the kind of person who thinks that the best way to somebody's heart is with a treat. For some reason, if you meet her, you might truly begin to believe that a simple fruit pie could bring out the best in another person if she offered it. At twenty-three, she's getting close to the dream she always had!

Growing up, she had a normal upbringing. Her mother, her father, and her two younger siblings... A close-knit family who is really no different than any other family out there if it comes to love and support.

Her family was comfortable and even if she didn't have everything she wanted, she had everything she needed. Her younger siblings are much younger than she is but she still loves them with all her heart. She loves to bake with them because it's the one way she knows how to bond with other people. She's just your girl-next-girl type in every sense of the word. She's got a great sense of humor to boot!

There hasn't really been a lot of hurt in her life thus far, but she wants to be able to truly understand others as best she can no matter what. The only discomfort she's ever faced in her life is mild teasing from people during her schooling years.

She's rather tall, topping out at 5'10" by the time all was said and done, but she tried to not let it get to her so badly. As a runner who loves to feel the breeze, her legs did her a lot of good! She still runs every day to this day to get herself ready to face what's to come that day.

Though, of course, running early in the day and late at night has put her in trouble with others before. One time in particular, she had to take a different route home due to heavy construction, and she had no idea she had walked into a lion's den that had no care for her fate.

She encountered a stranger with a friendly smile on his lips who offered to walk her back home, and to this day, she hasn't let herself forget those piercing blue eyes. It was far from the first time that she encountered a good Samaritan, but there was... just something about him she couldn't forget...

(I bet you're wondering who that stranger was but don't worry, you'll find out!)

Minji is a compassionate soul who trusts at first glance.

It's something that people could use against her but she doesn't care if they try. She would rather do something right for other people than care about being used. It might be silly and she might be putting in too much work for people that may never give it back but she'd rather just do something good than not.

This, of course, is something that inevitably leads her to face trouble when she decides to accept a request from a stranger and enter an apartment without second thoughts.

Stories:

Petunia is about her romance with Judas and Saeyoung. [Based in Unknown's Assistant Timeline with Lila.]

Judas is also a secondary MC.

Snarky, mysterious, and flirtatious. You have never met a twenty-five year old like this guy. The devil is in the details and you're not going to find out the details about him no matter how hard you tried to pry. He is the kind of person that figures out everything there is to know about you before you even realize there is something more about you. He has a sharp tongue and it has served him well over the years as an informant.

Criminal turned informant, of course. If he wants you to know something, he'll let you figure it out on your own, but if he doesn't ever want you to know something about him, you never will know what it is.

Every word he says is hidden behind another layer.

At first glance, he appears to be no different than a casual flirt who likes to share a smile and sympathy with you. You may think he just wants to have a lot of fun but that's the image he's cultivated for himself.

He wants you to think of him as nothing more than a flirt and if that's all you see him as, then that's exactly what he wanted you to see. He has over a dozen masks for a reason. His real name isn't even Judas, it's just one of many he adopted over the years working in his industry. There might be a lot in a name but he could care less. In the end, any name is better than the one he was born with.

Growing up, he was used as a prop for his family. Well, not his father. His mother. She was born into a relatively successful family who wanted his mother to settle down and have a family as well as continue her career.

She wanted nothing to do with the husband or a child, but she decided that to get into the good graces of her family and inevitable inheritance, she would have a single child and a husband to use as props. His French mother found the first guy who was willing to be a trophy husband and married him. That happened to a Korean man who didn't mind a loveless marriage.

It was convenient for her because it allowed her to expand her industry into the South Korean economy.

He was nothing more than a glorified toy to his mother. She could show him off whenever there was a reason for the family to be together, and as long as he lived up to her expectations, he could have anything he wanted. He was a lonely child who had nothing unless he was visiting the family who expected him to be the best of the best just as much as his mother did.

He learned everything he was supposed to and did everything he was supposed to but it was never enough. He was a miserable child who had nothing and no one. His father had no sympathy for him because he spent most of his time focused on the money his mother brought home to use at his own convenience. He was just a forgotten possession until it was convenient to remember.

Until one day, when he reached his preteens, his mother decided that enough was enough. She decided to divorce his father and return back to France. She abandoned the two of them and left them with nothing. His father blamed him for everything because he was supposed to be the ticket to paradise.

In the end, he was abandoned by his father as well. He spent his teenage years learning how to defend himself on the streets and how to survive. He did a good job of it until he was caught in the act of pickpocketing by a man... A man not too much older than him when he was a mere 18... but still old enough to know he was wrong.

A man who would groom him to be a vicious weapon in the guise of false romance. Judas thought this man loved him and would never hesitate to do things for him. He fell into this man's life fast. This man was the son of the worst of the worst, a mafioso, and to prove himself to his father, he used Judas as a key pawn to get rid of and dispel anybody who got in his way. It was an extremely toxic and horrid relationship which only twisted Judas around like a marionette for years until he had a realization that his so-called boyfriend didn't give a shit about him.

He caught his boyfriend cheating on him in the act. He lashed out at him and was beaten for it. Judas decided then and there he was going to dismantle the entire organization and then kill his ex-boyfriend himself in cold blood.

He turned into an informant, obsessed with the idea of getting back at the man who hurt and manipulated him for years. He spent years going in and out of different operations learning secrets and tools of the trade to gain the upper hand on people and manipulate them into doing what he needed them to do.

Sure, did that mean he was doing things that would help people that were getting trafficked or hurt in the process? Yes. A huge chunk of his revenge was helping people to get away from the organization that his ex-boyfriend ran but was he doing it to protect them?

Was he doing it because it was the right thing? That's hard to say in the end. He would tell you that he was doing it because it ruined everything his ex-boyfriend was trying to do, but it seems as though there's definitely some heart in there whether he wants to admit it or not.

Ultimately, just as he was about to strike and get his revenge, he enraged the wrong person and the only way he could get out of it and save his skin was to make a deal with an agency. The same agency that the one and only 707 Extreme worked for. He was placed into the custody of Vanderwood and 707 to be interrogated and eliminated once all of his information was shared. So, Judas began to play a game of cat and mouse with those two to survive...

Toying with 707... But there is no denying that there is a strong tension between the two of them that neither of them want to completely discuss, but if they're left alone long enough, it gets dangerously close to something. Something that neither of them will name.

Ultimately, just as things seem to be on the brink of moving south for him, Judas sees a familiar face with pretty blonde hair on the screen of 707's monitor... and as soon as he utters her name, that begins a story as old as time.

Stories:

Petunia is a story about his romance with Minji and Saeyoung. [Based in Unknown's Assistant Timeline with Lila.]

Hang 'Em High is an introspective after the Secret Ending about him and Saeyoung.

[tellywoodtrash]

// trigger warning for abuse and panic attacks //

hello TT. I'm so sorry for oversharing but i literally don't know what to do right know.

I'm 18 and my parents are abusive in an physical, mental, emotional, and every other sense.

I'm going to college this year and for years i thought that if i could just move away for college, i would be able to heal away from them. i would finally be free.

but they didn't let me apply to any out-of-state colleges. so now I'm stuck with them till idek how long. i wish i could just rent a tiny appartment or something but i don't have the money. and i can't live in any in state hostels either because they don't accept students who live in the same state.

as a result, my depression and anxiety has gotten so much worse. im having multiple panic attacks a day and i don't know what to do.

i don't know how i will survive anymore torture from them. i don't see a way out for myself. what should I do?

Dearest baby friend,

First offf, sending you biggest and tightest hugs. You are being very brave reaching out to me through your pain.

Crappy parents are just a shitty lottery result, and the worst bit is, you cannot change them. What you can change however, is how you react to them. It will take a lot of work, but train yourself to not hear the shitty things they say to you. It's extreeeemely difficult to grow out of wanting your parents' approval (esp. for us desis) but that's what you've got to do. By now you must have realised that no matter what you do, there's no pleasing them. So fuck it. Do what you think is right (PRUDENTLY, within reason; try not to rock the boat too much) and fuck their opinion. It's just white noise. Stop allowing them to affect your mood. Free yourself from them emotionally, and you'll see a lot of their power over you is diminished.

Is there anyone in the extended family you could reach out to? An aunt/uncle/grandparent etc? Maybe just work on forming a bond with someone like that, an adult whom you can trust to have your wellbeing at heart. Worst situation, you can move out to their place. But that's just in case of emergencies.

Now that you're starting college, I assume you'll have a little more freedom than you did in school, time wise. Try and use that to spend as much time away from your parents, whether it be in the college library, or with friends, etc. Come back home at reasonable times, and then just say you're exhausted and go be in your own space. Try and build a life outside of home and treat this just as a place to come rest your head at night.

Most importantly, you need to start creating an action plan to become financially independent as soon as feasibly possible. The sooner you have your own money, the quicker you can break your parents' control over you. You can move out to PGs or working women's hostels, or whatever. There are a buncha places that will pay you for small online tasks, like fiverr and upwork and stuff. All you need is your computer and an internet connection. If you have skills like graphic design and video editing etc, even better. Do some research into those. Depending on your college major, your professors might be able to help you get some small stuff within the college as well, as a research assistant or something of the sort. If/when you find a professor you form a good bond with, tell them you're interested in participating in projects or whatever, and that they should keep you in mind. These professors will also be able to give you good recommendation letters and connections when you graduate and are looking to move into the job market.

Since you don't have much disposable income rn, I realise it might not be feasible to suggest therapy to you; but please know there are online options that take like, a 1000 - 2000 bucks per session (look up The Mind Clan.) If that's not possible, I'd like you to try doing some self therapeutic reading that might be helpful. Research books written by professionals in the field (for eg Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Dr. Susan Forward; and Childhood Disrupted: How Your Biography Becomes Your Biology, and How You Can Heal by Donna Jackson Nakazawa) and absorb their messages and do the exercises if any, to help yourself understand how this relationship has affected both your mental and physical health, identify patterns that you may have built up as defense mechanisms to cope, and how to move forward with healing.

Please know, that you WILL eventually make it out of this situation. Maybe not now, maybe not in the current foreseeable future; but eventually you WILL become financially and emotionally independent from your parents and will be able to do as you wish. It's just about hanging in there a little longer. Use this time to prepare yourself to be self sufficient in the real world, and freedom shall come sooner than later.

Please take care of yourself in the meantime. I love you lots and am rooting for you.

[oldcoyote]

I wish you were kinder to yourself. I know it’s hard, but you are — genuinely and unequivocally — beautiful. Your eyes in that second picture are crazy gorgeous, dude! And like…beauty is not worth, or value; and it can mean everything or nothing, depending on the room and the day and the fucking weather — but. I feel like a lot of your self-worth is wrapped up in this really dysmorphic view of your appearance? And that’s not…I’m not casting judgement, or coming at you from any kind of high-horsed place, because: my friend. My friend, I have been there. And you are beautiful. If you weren’t, it would be fine, and you would still be good. But you are. And I hope you believe it, one day. I hope you believe other, more important things about yourself (that you are good; that you are worthy; that you are talented; that you matter), too.

you are very, very kind, but as i have mentioned before (though it was a long time ago) all the pictures of me that are posted online are highly edited to make my face more acceptable and less uncomfortable for other people to look at. so while i appreciate the compliment immensely, it's more a compliment to my photoshop/youcam skills than my actual appearance. the eyes in the second picture are edited as well, which is why they look crazy gorgeous - they're not real

i am coming around strongly to accept that beauty is not value or worth, which has helped immensely in accepting my actual face in the context of running my D&D games on camera and such. those friends in my games don't flinch at my face anymore, they're used to me, and just forgetting about my face being visible while i roleplay and run those games has done huge things for my social confidence - i'm nowhere near as bad as i used to be, for sure

i am trying to learn how to value myself at all, which is a huge struggle. i was raised in the mentality that absolute humility and selflessness was essential to being a good person; thus, to think highly of yourself made you horrible, vain, self-centered, and worst of all - selfish - which was the worst possible thing you could be in the eyes of my parents and grandparents. on top of that, not being beautiful enough to be treated kindly by the world once i left home just hammered home that lack of worth because so much emphasis of worth is placed on beauty. unlearning all of that is going to take a lifetime. but i am working on it, i promise. deprogramming is just a very difficult path with no real guidance as to what steps or actions to take

thank you so much for being so very kind and generous with your compliments, they're so appreciated, and i hope you're right and someday i can feel that way about myself. maybe one day i'll feel good enough to not edit my photos anymore, and hope that people will accept me for me. one day.

[spaceorphan18]

Sorry if this is presumptuous, but have you considered finding a new job? This one is impacting your mental health in a really negative way and it doesn't seem to be getting better (at least not long term). Obviously you shouldn't quit, but if I were you, I'd be looking at other options.

Answering under a cut, just because it's personal, and easier to skip this way.

Okay, so I get it, and I do believe you're coming from a good place, Nonny. it's not an easy thing to watch someone you don't know constantly be negative about their life on the internet -- especially when there seem to be better options out there. I remember when I first joined fandom, I followed someone who just downward spiraled into a messy divorce and it was painful to watch and listen to. And you're just screaming -- just change x, y, or z - but it isn't always as simple as that.

Believe it or not - I actually love my job. I love running a bookstore, and it's my ultimate dream to run my own store someday. And being in the position that I'm in is a stepping stone towards being where I want to be. It is a temporary thing -- even if it'll take a few years, but I have to go through this.

My boss is difficult, but she's not the worst -- she's not even the worst boss I've had while working for the company. My anxiety comes more so from having issues in dealing with confrontation, issues with lack of self confidence, and needing to stand up for myself more than it is with her specifically. Are we ever going to be bff? No, we're not. But I will come out on the other end of this being a much better boss myself after learning from her.

I've had anxiety and mental health issues long before I got this promotion. I've had severe social anxiety (and a plethora of trauma resulting) ever since I was a child. I have a hard time navigating social situations no matter what it is.

There's a real possibility that there are other medical things going on. I've been going to the doctor frequently so we can make sure I'm on the right meds. And one thing that I do need to actually do is find a good therapist.

(I do agree -- one should get out of seemingly toxic situations, and probably on the outside, this feels toxic, I'm sure. But there's also a lot of this that's in my head.)

There are other things going on in my life that I'm also not really talking about -- my last grandparent is in the process of dying of cancer, and it's not fun. My brother is still in jail, and I haven't seen my nieces in five years. The world around us seems to be burning to the ground and half of humanity just does not care. It's easier to pile on one thing than get into the complexities of it.

I realize that putting out my issues into a public space seems like a cry for attention or something, but that's not why I do it. honestly. Tumblr has become a kind of safe space to put my thoughts where I can easily access them -- and it is a way to let the small group of people who know me more personally check in. It's honestly kind of therapeutic to write things out because it helps kind of work through what's going on. Also, the reason I put tags on it and put it under a cut is so the average joe follower (or the occasional pornbot who's now invested in the blog, can skip it if they like).

(And I'll reiterate, I do need to find another therapist at some point this year. What's stopping you? Oh, the social anxiety, definitely.)

Also, sometimes taking a nap, eating, taking care of yourself on a fundamental level, cleaning your space, and getting warmth and sunshine are all helpful, too.

Thank you, Nonny, this was rather therapeutic. :)

[ell-vellan]

-If baby is screaming/upset for long periods and you've Done All The Things, make sure a hair or thread has not wrapped around a finger, toe or other extremity. Hair Tourniquet syndrome is easy to miss bc those toes are ITTY BITTY.

-The leg bicycling thing for gas - watch a youtube video on how to do it right because I WAS NOT.

-Milk doesn't come in right away. It can take multiple days, though it's often quicker with subsequent babies. And it can take up to 6 weeks to regulate to baby's consumption needs.

-Be mindful of the latest research with regard to baby carriers and proper leg positions to lower hip dysplasia risk

-Rear face that baby in carseat as long as possible. No, it doesn't matter if their little legs look squished when they're two or three. As long as they fit within the height and weight requirements, it's vastly safer to rear face. "Most fire stations will check your carseat" or "hospitals will check your carseat" NO THEY WON'T, in the vast majority of cases, at least not properly. A CPST is who you want to go to for carseat education and installation. Carseats are a pain and they're all a little different, but they're so important.

-Unless your Boomer parent/grandparent has had a baby in the last 30 years, their advice will almost definitely be opposite of what it is now. They only started the Back to Sleep campaign in like '94. My nurse mother STILL thinks it's weird for babies to sleep on their backs because SHE didn't do that. "We did it this way and you survived" isn't good enough.

-Learn infant CPR and Heimlich. It's different than for adults. Take a class.

-Babies cry so much and there's often nothing you can do. For some reason, the 2nd day of life is just...the worst. As is the witching hour (a couple hours before bed.) running water is sometimes a magic solution, either listening to the shower or putting them in a bath. Or go outside.

-Sleep/nap schedules as early as possible. Just trust me. Newborns won't regulate sleep for weeks, but even just a tiny routine of clean diaper, song, rocking, and sleep sack/swaddle helps cue them in. Sleep hygiene, too - dark rooms, white noise, curtains drawn, short and calming sleep routine. You don't have to be strict with it, but it helps. Eventually. I promise. They don't know how to calm down to sleep. Don't let them get overtired; it will make sleep ironically harder. Read about wake windows and keep updating them by age.

-everything is a phase. the good and the bad. As soon as you think you have figured something out, it will change. It's frustrating feeling like you can never get it "right" but it's not you doing something wrong, it's a very fast-growing infant brain which needs very different things from week to week.

-Likewise it's normal and okay to not feel instant love. You don't know this new person yet. You're not a bad parent or broken if you don't feel a bond right away. It's normal and it will come with time. As they start to "wake up" and recognize you and learn to focus their eyes and smile, it gets a little easier.

-YOU CAN STILL GET PREGNANT EVEN IF YOU ARE BREASTFEEDING. you can get pregnant before your period even comes back. Take the 6-8 weeks of pelvic rest seriously and use whatever birth control you normally do after that. Regardless of birth method you will have a dinner plate sized wound from the placenta.

-baby steals the calcium right from your bones. It can take 2 YEARS to recover what you lost. Take calcium and go to the dentist, if you're able.

-You will sleep again one day. Until then, you might feel like you're losing your mind. You kind of are, and it's not your fault. The lack of sleep can make you hallucinate, lose patience, feel depressed, hate your partner, have poor memory and judgement. It's not safe. I've known people who fell asleep at red lights driving to work. Get help if you need it. Do whatever you can to get at least 4 uninterrupted hours.

seeing a lot of videos that are like “I didn’t know babies couldn’t have water” so here’s an incomplete list of things you need to know before having a baby

- the obvious, they can’t have water bc milk is incredibly high in water already so excess water leads to over hydration

- babies cannot have honey until 1

- if ur breastfeeding your kid and saving excess milk, make sure you label what you pumped in the morning vs at night bc your body produces different melatonin levels throughout the day and giving your baby daytime milk at night can make them more alert and fuck up their sleep schedule

- idk why ppl keep saying this but swaddling your babies or getting them those baby straight jacket things is not abuse. It chills them out cuz it reminds them of the womb

- babies have a dandruff like buildup on their head called cradle cap, and it’s very easy to deal with and remove with just some baby shampoo, a gentle scrub brush (MADE FOR BABIES!!) and a comb. It does need to be removed tho cuz it can be very painful after a while. This can also continue to happen late into toddlerhood it’s normal

- you have to clean out the creases of your baby’s skin and hands and feet they WILL collect dust😭😭

- you cannot bathe your baby until their umbilical cord naturally falls off. Use a warm damp rag until then

- tummy time is actually very important

- your baby might have a misshapen head at first (not all the time but sometimes) this will either sort itself out or they’ll need a corrective helmet ask your doctor

- I wouldn’t recommend having your baby leave the house very much until they’re at least 6 months old, especially if they’re born near cold and flu season cuz the common cold can kill a newborn

- you’re not an awful horrible person for having postpartum depression and it’s always a million times better to let your baby cry a few minutes longer than normal while you regain your composure than to freak out and give ur kid shaken baby syndrome

- you’re not an awful horrible person for giving your baby formula milk either

- don’t put shoes on your baby it’ll compromise their toe box and balance

- babies put every single thing in their mouths

- the easiest way to burp a baby is to hold them straight up (spine straight) and hold their head a bit higher

- always support their head they barely have necks

- if your baby fights away food, fights tummy time, vomits every single time you burp them, is gaining or losing an unreasonable amount of weight at a time, wheezes after eating, or goes red after eating, chances are they’re probably allergic to the type of milk they’re eating (again ask a doctor but these are just some signs it’s not just colic)

- they will wobble a lot when learning to do things but you gotta fight the urge to help them every single time cuz they gotta learn

- they’re not always spitting out baby food cuz they don’t like it they just don’t know how to eat. Like they don’t know how to push food down they only know how to stick their tongue out so be patient

- babies craniums are broken up into three parts at first that later fuse together, this is to help make birthing easier but it results in a small EXTREMELY sensitive spot in the top of their head that has no protection. This puts their brain at a high risk. Always protect their soft spot

- read to your baby!! Get cute bright colorful sensory books with sight words and read them to your baby it makes such a huge difference in their educational growth and will help them acquire a love for reading early on. And talk to them never shut up just say whatever comes to mind all the time this will strengthen their vocabulary growth also.

- babies poop like a lot. A lot. an unreasonable amount. Bring back up clothes and more diapers than you think

- no pillows or stuffies in the crib and only use a muslin blanket unless it’s especially cold to prevent suffocation

- babies kick reflexively until they’re out of their newborn scrunch (they stay womb shaped for a while) and if your baby is crying and pushing at the swaddle try letting them flail around for a minute

- consoling your baby is not spoiling them ! They need comfort and they will learn to self soothe on their own

- singing lullabies actually works, they can recognize your voice a consistent place of comfort from the womb and the cadence of lullabies is literally engineered to create a calm headspace

- for the love of god do not get boring ass beige toys. Colors are important for their neurological development

- babies are very responsive to praise from a young age so be as supportive of them as you can

- babies get constipated a lot and you have to do like tummy massages to help ease their pain the easiest way is to lay them on their backs and hold one foot in each hand, kick their feet like bicycles, scrunch up, and then stretch their legs out

- holding them on your hip too much will not cause bow legged-ness if your baby is bow legged that was always gonna happen

- they drool so so much and you have to get bibs for them so they don’t get chest eczema

- don’t use scented products on their skin cuz their skin is sooo much thinner than ours

- when your baby first starts sitting on their own never walk away from them without setting up a nest of pillows and blankets around them. Even minor head trauma can mess them up sometimes

- this one is kinda morbid and scary but sometimes babies just die out of nowhere and it’s no one’s fault or anything it’s called sudden infantile death syndrome(SIDS) and it’s about 1.3k deaths on average per year in America so not super common but still very real. 90% of these deaths happen during the first four months however edit: apparently it’s bc of an enzyme deficiency which at the very least you can take steps to try and prevent

- smoking and drinking during pregnancy WILL affect your baby and your breast milk and also might contribute to SIDS cases

- babies sometimes have a big red mark on them somewhere called a stork bite immediately after birth but typically it goes away

- babies can’t see very well for a while after birth and they’re VERY wobbly so they’ll typically bonk their head into your chest and face a lot while trying to support themselves

- female babies might have smth similar to a period the first few days after birth, this is because of the hormone transfer that happens during the birthing process and the days leading up to it

- male babies get random erections for the first few days after birth(hormone transfer again) literally do not be weird about this it’s a baby

- things like weaning your baby onto solid foods, potty training, weaning off pacifiers etc, can actually be directed by the baby and will happen naturally will minimal guidance from the parent(some guidance is still necessary) although I would do individual research into baby led weaning for food to prevent choking

- get those chewy feeding pouches to help with weaning

- the most random things will scare the hell out of your baby don’t take it personal 😭

- baby carriers are life savers (tulas are one of my favorites)

- once babies hit toddlerhood they’re tougher than you think, and a lot of their reaction is based on YOURS. they’re always going to be looking to you for how to react to a situation. Remain calm and if they’re ok they’ll calm down but if they’re genuinely hurt they’ll keep crying

- babies will most likely get ridiculously attached to an inanimate object and you have to keep this thing intact at all costs until they’re old enough to abandon it or they will throw a FIT. I got a lemur plushie from a zoo once and every single one of the kids has bonded their soul with it until about 6 years old and once a month I have to stitch him back up

- don’t compare yourself to other parents. Maybe your kid isnt getting grass fed wild caught north Atlantic cheerios but at least they’re fed. If your kid is alive and healthy and happy you’re doing a good job

- you will need 3 car seats, an infant seat, a grow with me toddler seat, and a booster seat

- getting a good diaper bag is a MUST

- the hair a baby is born with will most likely all fall out or they’ll get a bald spot on the back of their head where they sleep cuz their hair is so fragile and thin but once it grows back it grows back thick

- get like 20 muslin blankets so you always have a backup when the main ones are covered in spit up

- the babies grip IS stronger than yours (keep your hair up and keep pets away best you can)

- your best bet for your teething baby is a pacifier you can put your finger in so you can massage their gums and some chewing toys numbing cream can be dangerous and should be used sparingly

- go ahead and come to terms with the fact you’re gonna have to use a Frida Baby to manually remove snot

- babies can get hair and thread wrapped around their toes and fingers that can cut off their circulation try to make a habit of checking

- don’t hit your kid please it’s nothing but trauma and fucked up coping mechanisms from there pls empathize with your child they’re a person too

- be careful not to pull too hard on their arms and legs(like during play or holding their hand while they walk) and NEVER pick them up by their hands this will very easily cause dislocation

- they might have a little tooth like callous on their lip from their pacifier. This does not hurt them and it will go away but it may hurt during breastfeeding

- breastfeeding will make your boobs different sizes

Yeag that’s all I can think of rn but yk i Will add as I remember stuff ppl are also adding things I forgot in the tags in case you’d like to look thru that as well <3

[baekhvuns]

That El Clasico.... I didn't watch it and I'm glad. Benzema saved our asses again, sigh...

Yep it kinda makes sense for older players to go the easier way, lots of money, not so many wins ajhdhsishusshusgeshw cause let's face it, what are they going to achieve in non-European clubs 😬Lmao when Kaka the church boy divorced?!

I don't have my football cards anymore, unless they're at my grandparents house 👀

Wow, Argentina really went full in, huh? Masterminds, Cristiano destroyed. Zidane is only 50 and already a granddaddy, it's so weird 😭

Harry is clearly traumatised which I understand, however there's no need to trauma dump on the whole world and reveal TMI??? Perhaps you're right, maybe the Diana x Sausage Fingers marriage wouldn't go downhill (at least not in that way) if they had a daughter

Okay SuJu members need to attend the Wrestlemania, I hope that LSM is going to be a contestant as well 🔫 yes EXO makes the most sense. It's tricky since they're in their military era, but hopefully once Baek comes back they'll get some more schedules together, because the group deserves better :/ I was afraid SM would ditch Shinee or do things in a half-assed way, but so far I'm pretty content with the pro-military content (they suck at promos, but it's not just Shinee)

The webtoon is gonna kill me, who knew a little high school romance is going to be the death of me?! I'm still team black hair Eunhyuk, but Dohwa is fun, if he was the lead in a different work I'd be 100% into him! But alas...... it's unclear whether he has any romantic intentions, but it's highly likely. Spoiler: they both took photobooth photos with the FL (individually) and last chapter ended with both of them staring at the photos fondly, while FL pinned both on her wall 😭

Alright but THIS man too 😍

So the kid is Sonnaught's 💀 but Tasir was crowned as the Royal Consort 👑 so I'd say he's winning, got the title, got no child to look after <3

Yep, obviously Draco's spoilt ass deserved some whooping, cause kid was delulu, however the pressure his father and Voldy put on him?! And the scene when Harry uses the torture spell on him, I cried in the cinema 💀 Narcissa was an icon!

A CHAT NOIR HWA FIC 😳 do not tease me!!!

Jude is a great actor, I can't believe he played Dumbledore AND the Pope too 😭 him in The Holiday <3 but also in Talented Mr Ripley he looked like a European actor from the 70s-80s

Atinys can't decide whether Ateez members have positions or not, it's so annoying

Park Seonghwa literally serving a whole ass photoshoot at the fan sign, at this point maybe fansites should hire him for a shoot 😭 the masked photos 😳

I wanted the cool patterns to be visible, so I didn't get the 🐍 coloured. The work is so detailed, spend quite a lot of time on them, plus the red ink hurt a bit more, but it was worth it. Okay you dislike snakes, but serpent Seonghwa...

Okay if it was a small spider then it's fine, especially since they deserved it!

Ponytail Mingiiiiiiiiiii that was an experience for sure. Please why is Hwa so endearing, everything he does is so cute especially when he's being clueless 🥰 Absolutely, Seonghwa needs to write, songs, poems, fiction, an instruction manual idc

Oh Pique thinks he did something... clown worthy behaviour. A whole ass witch mannequin, what kind of timeline is this 😭😭😭😭 Pique's a mama's boy in the worst possible way, yikes, they both can fuck off

Guess some people notice the serial fan callers, but they don't care cause they provide cute videos 🙃 Awww so much SeongSang moment.

If he worked at my cafe I'd be on caffeine and sugar rush 24/7

I'm sure Mark has a lot of girlfriends and boyfriends he just doesn't know 😭

😌 he - DV 💖

hello!!

That El Clasico.... I didn't watch it and I'm glad. Benzema saved our asses again, sigh... //// Yep it kinda makes sense for older players to go the easier way, lots of money, not so many wins ajhdhsishusshusgeshw cause let's face it, what are they going to achieve in non-European clubs 😬Lmao when Kaka the church boy divorced?!

everyone maybe afraid of rm, but rm’s afraid of barca 🤚🏻HUMILIATING I TELL U idk what went wrong with the team, they had beasts yet it felt bland,, barca’s youngest were playing like THAT in front of modric???? benzema??? kroos??? VINI??? bro wasn’t even ALIVE,, waiting for a psg v alnassr friendly that’s about to be anything but friendly and i have no hope for the teams bc they all did wack <3 DID U SEE THE ALNASSR RIVAL CLUB OFFERING 350$ MILLION TO MESSI???? WHAT TYPE OF WEALTH IS HAPPENING THERE??? the ultimate religious church boy’s divorce <3 i thought he was against it bfdbbddb

I don't have my football cards anymore, unless they're at my grandparents house 👀 /// Wow, Argentina really went full in, huh? Masterminds, Cristiano destroyed. Zidane is only 50 and already a granddaddy, it's so weird 😭

on my way actually, gimme all the iconic ones <3 argentina used ronaldo’s weakness and it worked! ITS SO WEIRD IT IS !!!! and the way it’s a girlie in a house of 6 boys??? better be rotten spoiled 🔫 imagine having the privilege of saying zidane’s my grandfather 😭😭😭

Harry is clearly traumatised which I understand, however there's no need to trauma dump on the whole world and reveal TMI??? Perhaps you're right, maybe the Diana x Sausage Fingers marriage wouldn't go downhill (at least not in that way) if they had a daughter

yeah! it’s the dismissal of not agreeing you’re traumatized and then monetizing on the very thing that seemingly made you traumatized and then saying you’ve got another book ready 😭😭😭 the diana tmi was too much for me,, did not want to picture her in that way,,, SAUSAGE FINGERS BRKQHDKWHDKSHDLWJCLWUDOWNCMSKH UR RIGHT 😭😭😭😭

Okay SuJu members need to attend the Wrestlemania, I hope that LSM is going to be a contestant as well 🔫 yes EXO makes the most sense. It's tricky since they're in their military era, but hopefully once Baek comes back they'll get some more schedules together, because the group deserves better :/ I was afraid SM would ditch Shinee or do things in a half-assed way, but so far I'm pretty content with the pro-military content (they suck at promos, but it's not just Shinee)

lsm fighting a suju member, waiting for this <3 it’s confirmed they are making a cb after baek comes back! it’s said to be around spring! BAEK IS BACK IN A MONTH, ANON WE ARE OUT OF THE DROUGHT ITS HAPPENING !!!!! BAEK COMIMG AND NEXT IS TAEMIN !!!!!! lots of solo stuff too! exo idoling would bring back kpop i tell u, but if it’s that noise music id cry,,,, shinee world tour also!!! i think onew and key confirmed AND KEY REPACKAGE ALBUM !!!!! sm really sucks at promos, if they promoted their group OUTSIDE of asia rightly we would’ve seen a kpop break thru quite quickly!

The webtoon is gonna kill me, who knew a little high school romance is going to be the death of me?! I'm still team black hair Eunhyuk, but Dohwa is fun, if he was the lead in a different work I'd be 100% into him! But alas...... it's unclear whether he has any romantic intentions, but it's highly likely. Spoiler: they both took photobooth photos with the FL (individually) and last chapter ended with both of them staring at the photos fondly, while FL pinned both on her wall 😭 //// Alright but THIS man too 😍

THE BREAKDOWN U HAVE EVERY TIME I SEE U TALK ABOUT THAT WEBTOON IS HILARIOUS DBWNDBSN the way u turn into a detective wondering about his intentions 😭😭😭😭 ON THE WALL???? HE DID THE WALL??? BFQMDBMWFBKWJCKCJCK WEAK ON THE KNEES !!!!!! FELL IN MY WALMART !!!! im gonna start reading this webtoon 🔫 THAT IS SEONGHWA FROM UR FRIENDS DREAM THAT IS HIM

So the kid is Sonnaught's 💀 but Tasir was crowned as the Royal Consort 👑 so I'd say he's winning, got the title, got no child to look after <3 //// Yep, obviously Draco's spoilt ass deserved some whooping, cause kid was delulu, however the pressure his father and Voldy put on him?! And the scene when Harry uses the torture spell on him, I cried in the cinema 💀 Narcissa was an icon!

did sonnaught’s red hair gene kick in- TASIR HAD IT EASY

STOP WHEN HARRY WALKED IN SAYING “I KNOW WHAT U DID” WHILE DRACO WAS AT HIS PEAK ANGST HAVING A BREAKDOWN, THE CRY I CREWED 😭😭😭😭 half blood prince, i wanted to physically jump in the movie and protect him,,,,,, the way he acted 🤌🏻😮‍�� SHE REALLY WAS !!!!! so nice too 😭 the only one who was actually nice to draco

A CHAT NOIR HWA FIC 😳 do not tease me!!! /// Jude is a great actor, I can't believe he played Dumbledore AND the Pope too 😭 him in The Holiday <3 but also in Talented Mr Ripley he looked like a European actor from the 70s-80s

superhero hwa fic, on the way 🫡 the diversity of this man is so good, his projects that he chooses too!!! in mr riply, that man omg, he was like if alain delon went young again 🤚🏻

Atinys can't decide whether Ateez members have positions or not, it's so annoying //// Park Seonghwa literally serving a whole ass photoshoot at the fan sign, at this point maybe fansites should hire him for a shoot 😭 the masked photos 😳

atiny’s can’t decide anything, esp the twt ones 😭😭😭😭 they should be the last ones to decide anything bc it will always be unhinged,,, WAIT UR ONTO SOMETHING FANSITES ASKING HIM FOR A SHOOT 👀👀👀 need a pshbar so they can professionally shoot photos for him 🤚🏻 need him in a white button up, sleeves rolled up, buttons unbuttoned (first 4), in a italian summer, on a boat, with raybans one??? a must. need gucci to hire him. or me. i will make it happen.

I wanted the cool patterns to be visible, so I didn't get the 🐍 coloured. The work is so detailed, spend quite a lot of time on them, plus the red ink hurt a bit more, but it was worth it. Okay you dislike snakes, but serpent Seonghwa... /// Okay if it was a small spider then it's fine, especially since they deserved it!

AHHHHH omg but anon ur so cool for that !!!! 🫡 but did not know red ink hurted differently! i wouldn’t say i dislike them but i just get body chills whenever i see their skin, it’s so leathery and slimey and mAKES ME CRINGE but serpent hwa 😯😯

Ponytail Mingiiiiiiiiiii that was an experience for sure. Please why is Hwa so endearing, everything he does is so cute especially when he's being clueless 🥰 Absolutely, Seonghwa needs to write, songs, poems, fiction, an instruction manual idc

ponytail mingi was out of hand and if he pulls that at concerts again, i am officially resigning from life <33 seonghwa, everytime, how can someone be so endearing 24/7 😭😭😭 he can right hello and id buy it ONLY IF THE SHIPPING ISNT OVER 100$

Oh Pique thinks he did something... clown worthy behaviour. A whole ass witch mannequin, what kind of timeline is this 😭😭😭😭 Pique's a mama's boy in the worst possible way, yikes, they both can fuck off /// Guess some people notice the serial fan callers, but they don't care cause they provide cute videos 🙃 Awww so much SeongSang moment.

HE KEEPS TAKING AN L AND ITS SO EMBARRASSING BC HE ACTUALLY THINKS HES DONE SOMETHING RIGHT 😭😭😭 omf ur right, pique’s the ultimate mama’s boy in the most sickly but shakira a whole detective, found out he was cheating thru a jam??? ur right, if that many ppl do it, imagine the amount of ppl we have no idea about 😭😭

If he worked at my cafe I'd be on caffeine and sugar rush 24/7 //// I'm sure Mark has a lot of girlfriends and boyfriends he just doesn't know 😭 //// 😌 he - DV 💖

FBWMFBWMJCKCJ SUDDENLY WILL BECOME A COFFEE LIKER 😭😭😭 see anon he knows u haven’t read model hwa again, or given him the chance, he’s back at it again b-but what about him it’s me, im mark’s gf actually 🥰🥰

AND THIS 😭😭😭

it should be illegal to have gifs this clear

i also want to ask since i recently stumbled upon a few podcasts and stories about this, when u mentioned u went to varanasi, did u perhaps see or sense the immense spiritual ness about that place? bc i believe there’s an insane amount of people there who worship the death, did u perhaps have any experience seeing something like that? like something strange or a shift in vibes bc there’s just so much religious stuff there?

[dapper-nahrwhale]

ive been thinking abt It and dndads (and stranger things kinda) for hours now its like. the monster has always been here and has shaped your life in ways you cant even perceive and you want to outgrow it but you cant and you never will. and the monster is a living breathing creature but it's also your parents and grandparents and it's also You and youre just continuing to act it out. nick leaves taylor like glenn (kind of) left him like bill left him and so on. eddie and bev marry people just like their parents. lark and sparrow literally have the doodler in their bloodstreams. augh

LITERALLY. it refuses to leave my head. The paralleling in these stories ahhg! Dndads and it (two of my favorite things in the world) hit the same thing!

Gawd just. Everything about these makes me go insane. The way the cycle repeats. You cant stop the monster that ruined your childhood from ruining your adulthood too. You are that monster. You cant move on past what happened when you were a kid. You the exact same kid you were when it happened except you're nothing like that kid at all. You can never change from the shit you went through and you'll never be that kid again. You became your parents without even realizing it.

Its about the generational trauma!

Also. Grant parallels Darryl by talking about things too much instead of too little. When he said the "we'll talk about it later" in the recent ep I lost it. The fact that they were all so irreversibly changed by that happened to them as kids that they cant change back to who they once were. He is not the boy you knew. I'm never over how they dealt with the consequences of episode 1 by grant becoming a fundamentally different and unrecognizable person to avoid that curse thing. Like that fucked up his whole shit forever man.

Lark and Sparrow are SO like henry whether they realize it or not. The Lark and bill denbrough parallels <3. They both feel insurmountable crushing guilt over something they think was entirely their fault. They were just kids. They make amends for this in the worst way possible. By trying (and failing) to kill the creature they're guilty for (insert obligatory fma03 ed and sloth reference). They let their guilt consume them. If they cant kill the horror they made whays the point of them living though it

I'm not assigning rigid roles to each character, just noticing the parallels. But I'd say the potential for sparrow and stan to be similar is so interesting. They both try as hard as they can to lead a normal regular life in spite of everything that's happened and yet they fail on that.

I realized immediately ep 1 that nick was like glenn and bill and ect ect with the not being there. But not by choice! But the cycle continues none the less! (I dont know if we'll be able to find nick and have him be reunited with the others in s2 or not. I think they all need to be there and alive to defeat the doodler, to end the eldritch horror that took their world. But if hes not there how do they kill it?)

The concept of nick needing an inhaler but never using it because he doesnt want to be lame in front of his dad vs eddie not needing one but continuing to use it because his mom says he needs it! (Smth smth the unconscious and conscious power their parents have on them smth smth)

Terry holding everyone together like mike is so chefs kiss yes! Terry and (maybe) ben being the most well adjusted of the groups. And well adjusted is very loosely said here because are any of them really? Terry being the researcher and the one to find the spells and the one to try so hard to save everyone he can (like mike).

Instead of just them forgetting the events like in it, they remember it all but the rest of the world forgot. How fucking lonley that must be either way.

Off topic but. One thing about it I adore is the 90s tv miniseries, where out takes place in the 60s in flashbacks and 80s/90s in present time and then in the new movies it take splace in the 80s and the present is the present! The exact 27 year gap between them is insane when you see the production for it had been in production hell since the 2000s!

I'm going to be thinking about these stories for the rest of my life I think...

Feeling the shrimp emotions about this rn.