#You're back to her because she's quote unquote fun

[stigmasochist]

"being able to cbt yourself out of anything" is not a healthy coping mechanism it is not actually a skill you should pride yourself on having, it is something you should work to unlearn

you will tolerate abhorrent treatment and then feel threatened by others willing to stand up for themselves in the face of their own mistreatment, you will think less of other people for not "being able" to tolerate what you do

and that is sad, and it will destroy good relationships, because you will be so tolerant that you isolate others who are being abused in the name of tolerance rather than working to protect your community and your friends. you will prioritize abusers' comfort and friendships in the name of tolerance.

[ronanlynchbf]

saw a trans person at work 2day health restored by 10000000 million XP

[etherealily]

𝙴𝙸𝙶𝙷𝚃𝙴𝙴𝙽 // 𝙉𝙁𝙅!

Nate Jacobs + Fem!reader. Warnings : Dark. SFW, but discretion advised. Drugs.

I don't know if this is milder or darker than the previous parts, but I do know that it is LONG.

Part 1 : Whiplash

Part 2 : 9 Lives

Part 3 : Blessed

Part 4 : Shards

Part 6 : Sin

You do NOT have permission to repost and/or translate any of my fics.

Desc. : You're fun and you're wild, but you don't know the half of the shit that you put me through

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TUESDAY, LIBRARY, 4 PM.

"We need to talk."

Suddenly, Carl Jung had never been more interesting, your eyes unable to rip away from the words on the paper in front of them, ignoring Nate as much as possible.

Your shoulder suddenly jerked, and a soft whisper followed. "Hey. We need to talk."

Frowning, your eyes darted between the two Jacobs brothers, the looks on their faces not strict, but the most infuriatingly stoic gazes mankind had ever known.

"You had quite a weekend, right? Anything crazy happen?"

The real question Aaron was asking was whether you were going to talk about it.

"Nope, just lots of psych homework."

"See, this is why I'm telling you to drop Psych. Unnecessary stress.", remarked Nate, his fingers rapping on the table in an almost musical pattern. Almost, because music is art, and there was nothing artistic about the false smile he was giving you.

"I'll keep that in mind."

"How are the rest of classes going?" Small talk?

"Great. Chem is pissing me off, though."

"Eh, well, only nerds are good at Chem, and I don't fuck with nerds. So you're lucky."

Oh, thanks, man. Such an honour.

"Are you good at Chem?"

"I pass."

"Where'd you get time to study? What with all the vapes and parties and quote-unquote 'dozens of bitches'?"

He let out a breathy laugh. "I got good work-life balance.", he replied, leaning on his arms closer to you. His head tilted and you knew something psychotic was about to happen. Well, it was Nate. You knew something psychotic was about to happen the second he walked in.

"I'll bet."

He smiled at that. "Are you my friend, Y/N? Are we friends?"

"I don't think so."

"Good. We're on the same page.", he hissed, moving in closer, glaring at you with the same eyes that had been acting as a dam to his true emotions two nights ago. "You can't tell anyone." His fingers deftly twirled your hair around before tucking it behind your ear.

"About?"

"Saturday."

"How you threw a lamp at me?"

"What you heard about my Dad. What he wanted to... what he said. What you learnt about our family."

"I won't."

"No, seriously, Y/N, don't fucking play with me right now. You'll regret it if you do."

"I'm not playing around, either. I'm not going to tell anyone."

"Good.", sniped Aaron. "'Cause we'll fucking ruin your life if you do."

"Aaron.", whispered Nate, shaking his head. "She already said she wouldn't."

"And you trust her?! She walked in with this polite girl attitude and then when shit got tough, she yelled at you with Mom just a room away. And you told me she wanted to fuck Da-"

"Aaron, shut the FUCK up, okay? She said she isn't going to, so she won't." The glares were back on you, an unwelcome blanket in the heat of tension.

"Yeah, we wouldn't want to have to say stuff about you , too."

"Aaron, I said fuckin' drop it."

"No, she gotta know what's at stake, or she's going to take this shit lightly."

You could almost see the vein pop in Nate's head.

"Nate, what... what stuff?"

"It's nothing. Just... we needed incentive.", he muttered, shrugging.

"What incentive?"

"You're buddy-buddy with a drug dealer, Y/N.", he continued, although, to his credit, it seemed with a little reluctance. "And he has access to a lot of shit, right? Who knows if he's ever slipped something into your drink and... y'know."

"What the FUCK? What the FUCK, NATE?"

His idea of incentive was making you a rape victim?!

Being shushed by the librarian solidified your thirst for homicide.

"I mean, you fucked Shane voluntarily, so you're already a fuckin' whore.", he declared, shrugging again as if he was just stating that the sky would be lit up by fireworks on the Fourth of July. "Maybe he just thought it would be easier, without all the playing-hard-to-get-shit. You're close enough that he trusts you to watch over his store."

"You can't FUCKING be serious! FEZCO WOULD NEVER FUCKING-"

"How sad, you're in denial.", tutted Aaron, pouting. "How would you know? He could have used shit stronger than Rohypnol, ya know? Shit that could knock you out cold for hours, and maybe he even called a couple of his trapper buddies-"

Aaron shut up quite quickly when your knuckles met his jaw, but started cussing you out when Nate pulled you off of him. "We're just saying, Y/N, you don't tell anyone the truth of that night, we won't tell them the lies about Fezco."

You pointed your finger at Nate's chest, hoping to god that that would distract him from the rage-induced tears pooling in your eyes.

"You're a fucking coward, Jacobs. With a pervert dad. A fucking coward who can't admit that he has no idea what the fuck he's doing."

"Big words coming from a girl that was raped by her dealer."

OH, someone needs to euthanize this motherfucker.

FUCK. NATE. JACOBS.

TUESDAY, 9PM

Nate had no fucking clue why he was doing this.

He was just drunk, he supposed. Drunk and horny. Average teenage experience.

But it's like.. he could've done anything. ANYTHING else. He could've actually gone to the party, picked up some girl, screwed her into the bed.

But no.

He sat there, scrolling through the fucking SlutPages. For who?Shane's sister, maybe, because of the inexplicable hatred he'd been feeling for him for about a month that he couldn't really think of a reason for? You would think, wouldn't you?

He looked for you.

There was no way you were a virgin. But he should've known there was also no way you were a slut. Or at least, that you were smart enough not to end up there.

He almost fucking threw the phone onto the wall. Fuck.

And you'd blocked him. That was the problem. He couldn't even text you. And he didn't have your fucking phone number, Jesus fucking Christ, he should've gotten it! Relying on something as flimsy as social fucking media was stupid. Idiot.

Wait. Social media.

He quickly slid his chair over to his computer, his hands moving with a pace and mind of their own.

No fucking way would he admit this, but his brother... had some good ideas, once in a while.

When he was fourteen, he'd been wide-eyed, watching through the crack through a door as his older brother -17 at the time- created an account, some random username, some girly bullshit, and then gone Incognito, finding a picture to add.

And then he watched as his brother spent hours poring through pictures of girls - at the time, Nate's seniors- and then suddenly sigh.

"You know, you breathe like fucking Darth Vader?" "What's that?", he'd asked, ignoring that comment and padding over to sit next to him. "This account? I'll tell you, but it- it's like... private brother shit, ok?"

"Shit". What a novel word that was at the time.

"Okay." "Spit-swear it, runt."

He spit-swore. A thing he never fucking did again.

"You can use it. Whenever you're down bad for a chick but you're blocked." "Why would a chick I'm down bad for block me?" "You're so obviously fourteen."

And god fucking damnit, was he.

Not that he was down bad for you. But all he'd say is if this wasn't love, it was pretty fucking close. Why you enthralled him, no clue. You were so easy to rile up, but hard to push too far. You always seemed to be limitless.

He logged in.

Good, the loser, Crestin, posted a story.

Good, you were there in the background.

Great, you were hot.

Bad, you were drinking. Tequila. Wasn't that you and Nate's thing?

Of course, he wouldn't presume to have taken your tequila-V-Card, but he most definitely would have assumed that you'd associate tequila with him. With that night. He'd assumed you'd stay away from it, metaphorically forsaking him in the process.

But no.

Shane's tequila was non-traumatic, and apparently delicious. Ugh.

This simply would not do.

TUESDAY, SHANE'S PARTY, 11PM

"No, NO, GET the FUCK away from me!", you warned, pointing a finger at him. You should've taken his advice and learnt to shoot. "I'm warning you, Jacobs!"

Shane's party was meant to be the one place you could be to avoid Nate, seeing as the host was some sort of Nate-repellent, but NO, you'd just apparently underestimated Nate Jacobs once again.

And here he was, his hand gripping your wrist - just like the rope you wanted to grip his neck - and glaring down at you as if you'd just killed his entire family but he was mildly turned on by it.

"Y/N, just fucking listen! Just- stop causing a scene! Fuckin' LISTEN!", he ordered, grabbing your shoulder with one palm and pointing at you with the other hand, to stop you from writhing away from him.

"You can't just do what you did last week and then expec-"

He kissed you. What did he think this was, fucking Disney Channel?

"NO! NO!", you shouted, shoving him away and secretly hoping for a car to hit him as he stumbled back.

No such luck.

It really was the world according to Nate, wasn't it?

"You know it's okay, right? It's alright."

"What?"

"It's okay to want me.", he informed you, as if he was telling you it was okay to sing in the shower.

Everyone does it. It's like, a thing, relax.

"It's okay.", he continued, "People want what's bad for them all the time.", he murmured, his thumb tracing your lip like he was tracing out a line he wanted so desperately to cross. "It's human nature."

"You think I'm bad for you?"

He took a deep breath, as if he was about to tell you you were terminal. "I think you're good for my soul. Like a baptism without the water." His thumb moved further into your mouth, just barely grazing your teeth.

"Even you have no clue what that meant, admit it."

"It's called effect, Y/N. Drama. Intrigue. Doesn't have to make sense."

You stared up at him, waiting for elaboration, and that earned a huff from him as he looked around at the other people in the front yard - doing lines, making out, throwing up - before turning back to you. "No, honey, I don't think you're bad for me. In fact, I think you're unnecessarily good for me."

"Unnecessarily?"

"As in, I don't need your energy."

"Then why are you so insistent on being around it? 'Cause you want to fuck me?"

"No! Jesus. It's in the name, Y/N. GOOD luck charm. You help me do GOOD in my games. You're good energy."

"What's next? You gonna tell me my birthstone?"

"Oh, shut up.", he chuckled, shaking his head as he moved your jaw from side-to-side in what seemed to be a playful gesture, but at this point, could very well have been him trying to ascertain which cheek to shoot into or something. "You got your licks in. We good?"

"Good? No. NO. We're not good! You threatened someone I love, so no fuckin' way are we good!"

"I know, I know. Aaron wanted me to-"

"BULLSHIT!"

He sighed, as if you were his deranged relative who was climbing up some telephone pole.

"YOU just can't handle the fact that I saw you almost fucking cry! I caught you weak, and that's a power shift, and you don't FUCKING like it, do you?!"

His jaw ticked for a moment, but he managed to let out a mix between a scoff and a chuckle. And then, as if what you said wasn't quite literally exactly what he was feeling, he asked, "Are you done?"

"NO, I'm not fucking done! I still haven't got to the part where you threatened to accuse him of rape, which is a fucking terrible thing to joke about in the first pla-"

"Look, man, I don't have time for this shit, okay? I'm not hurting Fezco! I came here so I could tell you something."

"My GOD, Nate, you made your point! I won't tell anyone!", you groaned, snatching a drink from some already-tipsy guy's hand and downing it.

"That's totally hygienic.", he remarked, eyes finally tearing away from you as you both watched the drunkard stumble over a girl who was getting rid of her lunch and breakfast in the bushes.

"I got new incentive.", he murmured, his forehead against yours, and his thumb rubbing your cheek as if it owned land there.

"What, now you're going make Shane out to be a rapist, too?"

Not a bad idea, actually. The corners of his mouth curled down, and he scanned your face as if he were actually thinking about it, eliciting a tsk from you.

He hid a chortle as he continued. "I'm offering you a deal. You were right, back at the bleachers about the control thing."

He was about to ask you to sell your soul, you could fucking feel it.

"So... you get to control me. For however long you need. Like, a month, a week, whatever. Just don't tell anyone about my family."

Whoa. Plot twist. You did not expect him to sell his soul.

"Oh, yeah, I'm sure. So if I asked you to show up to school naked?"

"Yes, I'd show up to school naked for you. But it's funny seeing me naked is your first instinct."

His trust issues were suddenly working out in your favour- he was essentially offering himself up as collateral.

"If I ask you to announce a formal apology to me on a bullhorn before your game?"

"I just want you to leave my family alone, Y/N."

So that's where Nate Jacobs' humanity began. At his family. Noted.

"I promise. I'll do anything." The urge to say 'then die' was strong, but not invincible.

You wracked your brain looking for something you could make this psychopath do that would not cause him immense pleasure.

"Ah, see? Being the one in control isn't all it's cracked up to be. Too much power, and you don't even know what to do with it.", he taunted, pouting as he closed his eyes, pressing his forehead harder against yours. "Think. What is it you want from me?"

What the fuck did you want him to do?

"Do you want an apology? No, 'cause I've already given you plenty and you don't want meaningless things, do you?" His lips lightly touched yours and you could swear he smirked when you flinched on reflex.

But no. That wasn't what you wanted. He was spot-on.

"You want... do you want money? I'm a trust fund baby, essentially, right? My father basically owns the town. Sure, I could hook you up. Royal Enfield, BMW. Or, if you want, Chanel? But that won't cost me anything, at least not emotionally, yeah? So no. That's not it, either."

Why did you suddenly feel like your thoughts were transferring into his head?

"You want me? You want to cut me up, just like I forced you to watch me do to myself? You want to hold a gun to my throat like I did to you? No, because I'd low-key like it."

Yes, he would. So no, you didn't want it.

"C'mon, think. I'm at your mercy, I'm all yours. There's definitely one thing you want and you're just too much of a pussy to say it."

Why were you letting him do this? Why did you just accept that it was the world according to Nate?

"You wanna know what I think, huh? Huh? I'll tell you what I think.", he murmured. "I think you want me to care."

That got your attention. "Care?"

"I think you actually want me to give a shit about you, so you can justify to yourself why you keep lettin' this happen, don'tcha?", he asked, thumb rubbing your jawline. "You want me to stop acting like this whole thing between us is a game. You want me to acknowledge what I'm doing to you."

You hated this. You hated when men were right - it was ridiculous. And you absolutely despised when Nate was right, because it was dangerous.

"Look, I just want you out of my life, Nate.", you lied.

That had come out way too fast. That was the easiest thing he could do. That was the kindest thing you could have ordered him to do. That was mercy.

So why was he acting like you'd just asked him to jump into a fire?

"That's it?"

He didn't buy it. And neither did you. Because yes, you'd technically be very reasonable to want him out of your life. But no, the danger, the unnecessarily sexy amount of mortal peril you'd be in every second that you were around him- it was your fucked up version of heroin.

"I don't think you understand just what you're asking. You're going to miss me."

You scoffed and he shrugged, in a gesture that only seemed pitiful, as though he were allowing you to believe that for the time being.

'Denial isn't just a river in Egypt, baby', you could almost hear him snark.

"What if I miss you?"

You shrugged, downing another shot - one you'd stolen from a drunk girl this time. "I dunno. Just don't."

"You'll still come to games? Fist-bump me?"

"Still come to games? I guess, maybe? I'll high-five you, or something."

"I'll think it over." Wait, wasn't he the one who was making an offer?

═════════════════════ 🧿 ════════════════════

He found you almost fifteen minutes later, probably after mulling it over with a drink.

"I accept your terms. I'll go out of your life, starting Monday. However, I've got a little som'n som'n to show you.".

An AK-47? An atom-bomb? A grave he dug specially for you?

"It's a surprise. Only an hour. That's all I'm asking."

Only your sanity. That's all he was asking.

You'd promised yourself you'd never take anything from Nate Jacobs again, and you'd stuck to it.

I mean.

That was until he'd offered you molly.

Molly made you happy.

Molly made you forget stuff, like college apps, the loss of your internship and the fact that you'd basically been lying to your family the entirety of last week about the scar on your forehead.

But how he'd found that out was a question for the ages. And he seemed to know exactly what molly did to you.

And you best believe he was milking it.

"I want to get a tattoo."

"Okay...?"

"Correction : I want us to get a tattoo.", he whispered, before tsk-ing at your derisive snort. "C'mon, you get to draw whatever you want on me and I'll get it tattooed, I promise!"

"Tattoos are permanent, Nate."

"And you know what? So am I. In your life. In your head. On your lips.", he reminded, grinning mischievously, his tongue forcing its way into your mouth.

You barely fought against him - the ecstasy sprinting through your blood vessels - and you found yourself lying back on the grass, his hands bracketing your hair.

"Just fucking draw something on me, Y/N. Come on. And I'll draw something on you. Yeah? Sound good?", he asked, his hand creeping up your shirt with surprising reverence.

He chuckled breathily against your lips, shaking his head as he rolled off you, lying next to you.

"I'll draw something nice and meaningful. And you get to, as well. Nothing cheesy, though. Like a fucking arrow-heart or an anchor or some shit."

"How about a star?"

"What, a star is not cheesy? That's the cheesiest thing ever. That's the pussy tattoo.", he muttered, before looking up at your eyes, sighing magnanimously. "What kind of star?"

"The ones that are hard to draw. With all the lines."

"Really, Y/N? I give you the chance to mark my body up and you want the hardest thing to draw from second grade?"

"Where'd you want it?"

"Where will you be willing to touch me?"

That was a million dollar question. Willing is a very subjective term.

"Neck. Under my ear."

You nodded, taking the pen he'd brought and gently tracing out a couple stars under his neck. He played with some of your hair that had fallen in front of his face, with terrifying dedication, as you did so. "Yeah. Done. You actually getting this tattooed?"

"Now you.", he ordered, grabbing your wrist, not answering the question. Red flag number eleven thousand. The pen lid in his mouth and a focused furrow to his brow, he began drawing.

"Infinity symbol.", he informed you, before you could even ask.

"Why?"

"I dunno. It's meaningful. 'To infinity and beyond'. Favourite Disney Movie, right?"

"That is not my favourite-"

"Yeah, well, it's mine. Buzz Lightyear is like, my hero.", he muttered, rubbing his thumb over the drawing and then kissing it softly, all while looking at you.

"Really? You seem like a Big Hero 6 guy to me."

He laughed deeper. "You always take me so seriously."

"Fuuuck, I know I'm not supposed to say this..."

He lolled his head over to you. "You could tell me you're Ted Bundy reincarnate and I'd still smash."

You decided to ignore that comment. "I'm not supposed to say this, but... but I get why Rue did it. Like Jesus fucking Christ."

He nodded in understanding, looking at the tiny packet that still had a couple pills in it. "She was just too weak to limit herself. But we got no limits. You got infinity on your wrist."

"Look, Nate, I can't tattoo that shit. My family would kill themselves."

"Same."

"Then why did you-"

"We're gonna do something that could go either way. It could either freak you out or turn you on. On the off chance that it's both, then we're more similar than you realize.", he slurred, lazily brushing hair behind your ear. "'Kay?"

"What are we gonna do?", you asked, trying your hardest to pull away, but the ecstasy made you genuinely defenceless against human touch. And it didn't help that Nate was holding your arms tightly down on the ground, as if he were trying to plant roots.

"We're going to carve the tattoos."

He said it so conspiratorially. As though this was your secret to surviving the zombie apocalypse. And his fucking eyes. Glowing like fireworks. Glowing like a child finally being told he could get what he wanted for Christmas.

"WHAT?!"

He licked his lips with an almost roll of his eyes as he looked up at you, because you were so clearly overreacting, right? Slitting your own skin in the shape of an infinity on it was a perfectly normal teenage activity. Of course. Drinking, smoking, fucking, slicing.

"I'll do it. I'm experienced, as you know.", he scoffed, his lips at your shoulder now. "We only have about fifteen minutes left of your curfew, Y/N, please. Please? Play nice."

The molly was clouding your senses, clearly. You could tell because a) you were still having this conversation and b) you didn't even question how he knew what time your curfew was, and c) you hadn't punched him yet.

"Think about it, it's less permanent than a tattoo, baby, please."

And then he placed another one of those little pink pills on your tongue, pressing down and forcing you to swallow.

MONDAY.

The scream came too late to your liking.

You'd tried to scream faster, but everything had come rushing back to you. The fever dream was not a dream. It's always relieving when terrible 'realities' end up only being dreams. It's a different kind of terror when you realize that the nightmare was real.

The number eighteen was etched on your wrist like a pathetic mark, like... like a brand.

You couldn't even begin to figure out just what the fuck that was supposed to be. Eighteen? How was that meaningful? The year it becomes legal to have sex? Freedom, maybe? Joy?

He wanted this aneurysm in your head. He'd placed it there.

FUCK !

FRIDAY.

"What? What is it you want?!"

He frowned, his face softening out of genuine confusion, make him look almost comically harmless in the harsh stadium lighting. "You said you'd still fist-bump me."

"What does 18 mean?"

He shrugged, holding out his fist. You rolled your eyes, bumping it with your own. And then, after telling yourself you were imagining the ghost of a smirk on his lips, you froze. Because he'd turned, running off to the middle of the field. You saw his back.

His jersey. 18. FUCK. He blew you a kiss about two seconds before the ball was passed to him. 18. FUCK.

"Did you just fist-bump Nate?"

"Yeah."

"Why?", asked Maddy, scoffing softly.

"He was talking to me about the project and then he said he had to go, so I wished him luck and... I guess I fist-bumped him."

"Oh, yeah, ew, the project. How's that going?"

"I scrapped it."

"Why?", she questioned, after shaking her pom-poms and screaming out some over-enthusiastic cheer.

"I don't fucking like him. At all. He's a DICK."

"What? No way. I had no idea.", she muttered sardonically, slinging an arm around your shoulder. "But was it, like, really bad?"

You nodded.

"After the game, you wanna do molly?"

"No." The reply was almost immediate.

"You don't wanna do molly? Don't bullshit me. Shut up. You're doing it with me."

You'd have hugged Maddy for knowing you so well if you weren't so focused on the big, blue, number 18 running on the field, matching the big, red one staying still on your wrist.

FRIDAY, 9PM

Staying over at Maddy's was an offer you shouldn't have declined, because it was getting genuinely infuriating how Nate found out things.

You were still extremely lacking in sobriety when he'd crawled into your bed that night, covering your mouth to make sure you didn't scream. How? Million dollar question.

"You want me to tell you a secret?"

"A secret? Wait, not some bullshit about my lips that you came up with?"

"I listened to Queen."

You sat up. "WHAT?"

He chuckled, sitting up as well and tilting his head while resting it on his knees. "What? Elvis, too. I even watched Blue Hawaii. I low-key liked it. Why? Would it have changed your mind?"

You frowned for a moment, before shaking your head. "Still would've been nice to know."

"Okay, how about you just kiss me now, Rue 2.0?", he asked, tracing out the number eighteen on your wrist before looking up at you through slightly furrowed brows. That was a challenge, of sorts, that gaze.

"You have something to ask me." Didn't take a genius to figure it out. Insinuation was painted all over his face. He had an accusation and he needed you to defend it.

"When Shane fucked you, where'd he come?"

You frowned, staring at him for a moment. "Yo, I- what? Where is this coming from?"

"At practice he was saying he fucked you."

"He's a dickwad, of course he did."

"It doesn't bother you that he's spreading that shit?"

"If I paid attention to every rumour some butthurt, fragile-ego jock spread about me, I wouldn't have time to fucking study."

"Your reputation's gone, though. That's fine for you?"

You sucked on your teeth for a moment before exhaling. "You're here to find out if I'm easy?"

He looked at you for a moment, his expression unreadable.

"If I did this, Y/N, would you stop me?", he asked, shifting to his knees at the foot of the bed. "Hm? If I just...", he trailed off, kissing up your knee to your thigh.

"Nate. Stop."

"That's not stopping me.", he murmured, gripping your back and yanking you closer.

You kicked him away, grimacing. "Get out."

He gazed up at you, and for a moment there, it seemed like he was rooting for you, for the rumours to just be cruel rumours and not true.

"Get OUT!"

"You can't let me kiss you and then just... it doesn't work like that."

The world looked glittery and he looked godly kneeling down there.

His tongue licked slowly up your inner thigh. "C'mon. Take it off. It's just me."

"Get out."

He rolled his eyes, yanking your shorts down himself. "I fucking...", he murmured, voice muffled against your skin. "Love you."

"You don't fucking love me!" You were struggling but it was fruitless.

"I could."

"Get out, I'm not bullshitting."

"C'mon.", he murmured, reaching up to unhook your bra before pressing a kiss to your inner thigh. "C'mon."

"No! Get off!" His hand held you down.

"Just let me-", he muttered, his fingers finally removing your underwear as he pressed a chaste kiss higher up your thigh. Your breath hitched and his smirk widened, albeit, with a bit of disappointment. "There we go."

Kicking him away, you finally snapped. Maybe it was the molly. Maybe it was his tongue. Maybe it was the fact that he'd somehow found out that molly made you make extremely bad decisions. Maybe it was the fact that he knew you wanted nothing more than to fuck him that night.

"GET THE FUCK OUT, NATE! YOU SAID YOU'D LEAVE ME ALONE MONDAY, IT'S FRIDAY! GET THE FUCK OUT, PLEASE!" He took every kick and every punch like a total champ, you'd give him that.

The disappointment left, and he smiled, softly, caringly, like a mother hanging up her child's drawing on the fridge, as he wiped your tears away.

Standing up, he grabbed your hair, staring into your eyes so deeply you were half-wondering if they'd changed colour, before patting your shoulder. "I'm proud of you."

Proud for disproving a rumour?

You watched his shadow on your wall as it climbed down the window behind you.

Look, one thing could be said. Nate Jacobs was a man of his word. He did not speak to you. He did not text you. He did not acknowledge you.

You'd blocked him online and he'd blocked you in real life.

However, his other account still kept tabs on you.

Average social media interaction.

Shane Crestin ended up in the ER later that night.

Average Nate Jacobs interaction.

[manyothermusingsofmine]

Fashion Forward || Drabble

Fandom: Ace Attorney

Warnings: uhhh very very slight, lowkey biphobia warning, because some people be weird about bisexual people being bisexual no matter who they date

Wordcount: 1855

Summary: Most fashion rules are suggestions at best, you look your best in things you like to wear. Also when you're dating someone in the public eye do yourself a favor and don't get roped into social media discussions about their love life. Note: according to the interwebs älskade is a swedish equivalent to like, my beloved. Liebling is german for "dear/sweet one" if my memory of the german language is correct.

---------------------------

On some level she knew scrolling through article upon article speculating on whoever could be the lucky person who had won the heart of the nationwide desired Klavier Gavin, was an absolutely horrendous idea. Still, lunchtime boredom got the better of Mary, and before she knew it even she was suckered in to the rabbit hole of clickbait gossip which each article and theory more outlandish than the last.

Apparently it really didn't take much more than for anyone to stand in his general vicinity to immediately be picked as the potential one who stole him off the dating market. She rolled her eyes when inevitably the gossip machine turned to speculating about her, and not for some actual valid reason as being spotted at the museum or the zoo for one of their dates, oh no, apparently just walking into the district courthouse together with him holding the door open for her was enough.

"Wow so apparently all he has to do to avoid allegations of being with me is slam the front door in my face while I'm trying to hold seven case files at once. Classy," she muttered to herself, clicking on the article none the less and reading the rest of it with a bored expression. She didn't know what possessed her to start reading the handful of comments left under the article. Three of them were just fangirling about their favorite musician, two were apparently upset that Klavier was photographed around the courthouse because it was breaching his privacy after having requested that the press leaves him alone at his other job.

"Oh, come on!" yelled the final commenter, "if he actually bothers to date some chick instead of a hot guy, surely it would be some hot gorgeous gothic bombshell and not Sue the librarian who really thinks she's showing how quirky and fun she is with her lame flame hair."

"Oh, fuck you," Mary huffed out loud at her phone, angrily pushing on the x at the top of the screen to finally snap out of this slew of commentary. She ate her sandwich in quiet, seething annoyance until she caught her reflection in one of the windows of the break room. Her eyes went over the same old turtle neck, red waistcoat and light grey bell bottom jeans she always wore.

... Okay, maybe that comment stung more than she wanted to admit.

She was the first one home, with both of them having decided that they would crash at Klavier's apartment and just spend the evening in watching movies and eating food. After making sure her little pet bird was comfortable in the guest enclosure Klavier had set up for him, Mary wandered off to the bedroom. She looked at herself in the big mirrors set in his wardrobe, the comment reappearing in her mind as she was suddenly fed up with the same old greys and red she always wore. With a deep huff, she tossed his wardrobe open to see if there was anything in there that would turn her into a quote unquote bombshell. Who the hell did Daily Drama user “concertjunkie00s” think they were, calling her boring?!

Taking out a chunk of his clothes, she sprawled them out on the soft satin covers of the bed, shutting the doors to his wardrobe and holding one of the pieces up to her chest. At least like this she wouldn't have to commit to a full wardrobe change herself.

"No. No. Absolutely not," some of the clothes were tossed back on the bed as soon as she didn't like something about them, eventually settling on fishnets all over, with some strapless top covering her chest and some shorts. It didn't even look that bad, really; especially not when she plastered on a heavy smokey eye and a dark red lipstick to finish the look. The real bravery came when she stubbornly willed herself to put on some of his higher shoes. Not his actual high heels or platform boots, because her ankles shook in fear at the mere thought of those. She picked some that added a far more reasonable two inches to her 5'7 frame.

And with that it was a finished look. Mary found herself staring in the mirror, whatever confidence she had stubbornly measured onto herself dissipating by the minute. The mirror was unforgiving, her eyes draw to just about every minuscule detail she didn't like about herself- She jolted a little when a small knock on the bedroom door interrupted her thoughts, looking to see Klavier standing there casually leaning back on the door.

"Am I interrupting something?" he asked, the tone of his voice soft and warm.

"... Just your girlfriend spiraling off into a fashion crisis," she dryly remarked, trying very hard to ignore the actual honesty of that statement to her before gesturing vaguely at the clothes on the bed, "sorry for the.. hurricane I've seemed to unleash in here."

"Ach, I've seen worse; by my own hands. So, why this sudden switch up?"

".... I don't know. I guess I wanted to.. look and feel the part."

"The part of what?"

"... Your partner."

Klavier raised an eyebrow, not really understanding where all of this was coming from. She didn't have to look any kind of way for him to consider her beautiful. He gave her another look over, noticing how her arms where very obviously draped over parts of her body she didn't actually like to show.

"And how do you actually feel?"

A long silence fell, as Mary stared at her reflection while a deep sense of discomfort and unease seemed to thrash about in her chest, her legs ever so slightly wobbling as even the two inches off the ground made her feel unstable and like she couldn't make out where she was in relation to anything, the arm over her chest making her acutely aware of the strapless bandeau requiring a level of trust in it she didn't have while her eyes started to burn with the threat of tears

"........ Over-exposed."

Klavier let out a soft, sympathetic sigh, casting his gaze down to the floor for a moment to think on what to do next. Clearly she was feeling some kind of way that required comfort and a bit of tact; because he didn't want her to feel like there were no options for her out there if she really wanted to change things up. He shrugged off the jacket he always wore to court, easily draping it over her shoulders. She wasted no time in putting it on properly, buttoning it up just enough so her mind would stop being upset about how much skin she was showing.

"You want in on a fashion secret, sweetheart? It doesn't matter what you wear; it matters how you wear it. If you're not comfortable in revealing clothes, then it'll show nothing but how uncomfortable you are."

"Fine, I'll just zip myself up in the fashion equivalent of a potato sack, then," she grumbled, her upset not directed at him but clearly showing.

"Darling, fashion is not that black and white. I promise you there's plenty of options out there that you will feel amazing in and that will let you shine, without showing the parts of yourself you and I both know you don't like putting on display."

He instinctively reached out and held onto her by her arms as she wobbled backwards on these shoes, gently pulling her towards himself to wrap his arms around her and rest his chin on her shoulder, looking at her reflection.

"...... I just want to look like I belong next to you," she quietly admitted, placing her hands on his arms as she sought a little bit of extra comfort, "instead of some boring-"

"You're not boring," Klavier interrupted, disliking it whenever she felt the need to tear herself down, "where is all of this even coming from?"

".... Comments under some article on Daily Drama.."

"Ach, Mary, that website is even worse than getting involved in the latest twitter comment thread on celebrity drama," and with that he pressed a kiss to her cheek, only letting go of her when she seemed a little more stable on her feet. He went over to the wardrobe, pulling out a few pieces himself, "and if the articles there were true I'd have about four hundred seventy six exes. I can guarantee you I don't have that many by a long run."

He handed her a sleeveless top with a high neckline and some jeans with a fake split on the outside of the legs. She slowly went over to the bed to sit down and take of the shoes, getting back up and deliberately turning her back to him as she still wasn't fully comfortable undressing in front of others.

Even so, she had to admit, she actually liked what she saw when she looked in the mirror, the shirt basically falling like a regular t-shirt while the sleeveless nature of it made it look a lot more playful and the almost corset-esque detailing of the ribbons on the jeans giving the whole thing more edge. She felt her back straighten out a bit more, the difference in body language clear as day even to her.

Klavier just smiled, wrapping an arm around her and pressing another kiss to her cheek.

"You'll always belong next to me, Mary. That has nothing to do with what you wear, or what some random person behind a keyboard thinks you should look like to 'qualify' as my partner. We're together because I love you."

"I love you, too. Thank you, dear."

"Mh. With that sorted, I'd love you even more if you sort out the natural disaster you've turned this bedroom into,” he couldn't help but laugh when he felt her elbow him lightly in the side at that comment, a fake offended huff coming from her as his sense of humor did immediately lighten her mood a little.

"I have seen how bad this place gets without my doing, sir," she said, unable to hide the smile on her face and the joy in her voice, "besides, there's something I need to do first."

With that she turned around, draping her arms over his shoulders and easily pulling him in for a kiss while he followed her lead, matching her energy in the kiss and unable to keep himself from lightly smirking as this seemed to be as much as a welcome home kiss as it was a distraction.

"There's no bribing your way out of this one with kisses," he almost purred when they broke apart, "but it's a very tempting strategy."

"Damn, almost had you convinced there, huh?"

"Almost."

She giggled, pressing another soft kiss to his lips and granting herself a moment to just linger in his warm embrace for a little while longer, thinking to herself as she rested her head to his chest.

"Hey, next time I go shopping to update my wardrobe... will you come with me, älskade?"

"Of course, Liebling."

[saedii-gilwraeth-simp]

Modern Au Saedii and Ty’s first meeting?

excuse any formatting errors in the next couple of weeks, my laptop is getting fixed so I'm working off my desktop, which I normally reserve for school and work.

~~

Tyler and Kal's apartment wasn't usually the home of strange women.

In fact, scratch not usually, change to never. There were never women int heir apartment that Tyler didn't know. Mostly because Kal was an only-Auri type of guy and Tyler wasn't one to give into his vices (he's convinced his sister got all of those genes). The only women ever in the apartment were Auri, Scarlett and Zila. Well, and Cat, once upon a time before their brutal breakup.

And yet, when Tyler got out of the shower one afternoon, there was a women he'd never met sitting on his couch, cleaning her black-painted nails. She didn't even seem to look up when he entered the room.

Which, if he was breaking in somewhere, he would at least dignify the person who owned the place with some recognition. Maybe that's just him, though.

But he wasn't gonna talk first. So instead, he stood in the doorway of the bathroom, towelling off his hair and waiting for her to notice him.

He looked away when the front door opens and Kal walks in, sees the strange woman, turns to Tyler who shrugs, and then turns back to the woman, placing the bag of groceries on the ground.

"Saedii?" he asks and the woman finally turns to Kal and stands from the couch.

"Kaliis," she says back and Tyler snorts at Kal's full name. Kal doesn't notice, already across the room and wrapping his arms around Saedii, who lets Kal hug her awkwardly.

"You know her?" Tyler asks and the pair pull apart. Saedii turns to him and Tyler finally sees the purple eyes that she shares with Kal.

"Same mum and asshole of a sperm donor," she says. Tyler nods and she turns away from him.

"Anyway, you told me to come see you when I got here. See ya around Kaliis," she says, before picking up a duffle bag from beside the couch. She walks to and swings the door back open, salutes them and calls "you too, Tyler Jones."

Tyler turns back to Kal.

"Why does your sister know my name?" Kal shakes his head and picks his groceries back up.

"You don't wanna know."

~

Honestly, he really should have listened to Scarlett when she told him 8am classes were quote unquote "ass". He liked his history of conflict class, but classes were less fun when no one was awake to participate.

He was prepping his materials on his little folding desk, when someone dropped down into the seat beside him. He didn't pay them any mind until a voice like honey spoke.

"Tyler Jones," he looked up to come eye to eye with none other than Saedii Gilwraeth.

"Gilwraeth. One might think you're stalking me, y'know?" he jokes and she just raises an eyebrow and smiles. He almost wonders what is in the Gilwraeth gene pool that both siblings have such pleasing smiles.

"Hm, no the stalking was done when you first moved in with Kaliis. Can't have my little brother around delinquents," she says, before turning away to reach into her bag and pull out a laptop.

"Is that how you know my name?" He asks and she hums, continuing to set up.

"Among other things," she says turning back to him.

"Oh well that's not fair, I know nothing about you," he says and she just chuckles and then gestures to the front, where the lecture was starting.

For once, he doesn't listen to his lecture, focussing instead on the enigma sitting next to him. She is objectively gorgeous, equally sharp edged and soft and Tyler has always been a fan of puzzles.

Eventually he makes a decision and as quietly as he can, tears a page out of his notebook and writes her a note before sliding it towards her.

I imagine you already know my number, only fair I get yours.

Saedii considers it, pulling it towards her and snorting when she registers the words written. She pulls the slip onto her desk and writes something.

As the lecturer begins their closing statements, she slid the paper back across his desk.

Fortune favours the bold.

And underneath, her phone number.

The lights in the hall turn on and he turns to say something to Saedii, only to find the seat next to him deserted, like she'd never been there at all.

~~

byee

[mediawhorefics]

hií 💗 for the ask game, what's your favourite fanfic of all time?

oh god i read in so many fandoms this feels like an impossible question dhjfjfdg i'm gonna cheat. is that okay? can i cheat? there's no way you're getting just one. sorry not sorry djbkndkjgbd

i guess if i'm answering 100% honestly, it would prob. be not easily conquered which, for those who don't know is a stucky fic and one of the most beautiful pieces of writing i've ever read. some of the quotes from this fic are seared into my brain and i fear will never leave me.

in the 1d fandom tbh it's still tif. i think to me tif is a perfect romcom. i've never read a better one. it's funny, its heartwarming, it's genuine, the miscommunication is handled very well and that quote that describes trying to explain something traumatic that happened to you young as 'like a fish trying to explain what water is' stayed with me for over a decade. it's exactly that. that's exactly what it feels like... i love this fic sm. it's just as good as everyone says and i think its criminal that some newer fandom peeps haven't read it. i can only aspire to be that kind of writer.

i recently went on a spuffy binge read ad discovered summerfrost's works and i have been in absolute awe of their characterization ever since. their writing knocked me the fuck out. nothing safe is worth the drive (follow you home) is prob. my fav but everything i've read from them has been a masterclass in character study.

the poet dean fic is another work that i think is a game changer. if you're remotely interested in deancas/spn this fic is stunning and it features original poetry by the writer that is just.... gorgeous. it makes me want to write poetry and god knows i am not good at that rip.

cinderwings is another spn fic that's ..... incredible. it's such a creative au that perfectly mixes elements from canon and from fairy tales to create something totally new that feels fresh and different. not to mention i've never read a character pov of a quote unquote creature that actually felt like i wasnt reading a human character. it's done so well.

four letter word for intercourse . its the best smut heavy fic i've ever it. its deancas. end of.

i recently started reading good omens fics and Demonology and the Tri-Phasic Model of Trauma: An Integrative Approach ??? w o w. just.... w ow. if you've read the book/watched the show and loved crowley just a little bit... read this. it's an outsider pov and it is so compelling, it's almost impossible to put down. which is a pretty herculean feat imo considering it's all through the eyes of a stranger. its basically crowley in therapy through the eyes of his therapist. incredible.

back in the old days i read a lot of merlin fics and the student prince still has SUCH a special place in my heart as a comfort fav... it's so funny and heartwarming. the perfect magical uni au. it also has an amazing podfic read by the author.

wastelands is probably my favourite star wars fic i've ever read. it's only 9k and ft just before the sequel trilogy leia crash landing on some abandoned world and getting help from a force ghost to repair her ship only to realise it's anakin. it's just.... a beautiful beautiful character study and a look into their relationship and it ties in with some kylo stuff.

you could dress this wound is a tsn fic where mark starts seeing pain as light on people and develops some empathy/starts seeing the world (and his relationship to eduardo) differently as a result.

best practices in workplace relationships is nothing special. except its heartfelt and funny and i've read it countless times over the past ten years. so many times. it's the assistant wardo fic. it's fun. i love her.

also anything that @helloamhere writes but ESP the anakin/padme/obi fic she wrote partly because of me.

i think thats it... like... off the top of my head today right now.

oh and i guess.... if it's not arrogant to say it ? maybe tts ? just... i'm very very proud of it and it's very special to me. i dont think its better than any fic ive listed here but it is one of my all time favs because it was a big labour of love from me.

[the-dream-beyond]

Episode 13: Selfishness, Judgement, and Desire with Christine Meyer

Christine Meyer 

Whenever you feel bad, you gotta know you've got to know that you are bumping into a limiting belief of some kind.

Nik Tarascio 

Today's topic is going to be a big one, we're talking about selfishness, judgment, limiting beliefs that hold us back from having what we want. And just the idea that we will only get as much or go as far as we allow ourselves to go. So for those you that are on a journey of growth and expansion, I hope this gives you permission to go way bigger way faster. Welcome to the dream beyond. I'm your host, Nik Tarascio. I'm a CEO musician, an overall seeker of Truth, inspiration and simply put, how to live the most fulfilling life possible. Growing up surrounded by extremely wealthy and successful people gave me unique and unfiltered perspectives of those who have seemingly made it through on the dream beyond we're letting you in on what it really takes to achieve your dreams. What happens when it turns out your destination isn't the promised land you are expecting? How to process the lessons from your past while mapping of course to true fulfillment. Let's get started. Hey, guys, how you doing? I'm here with executive life coach and author of keep it simple. Smarty Pants stop overthinking start aligning live happy. Her clients include many incredibly recognizable names and just thought leaders entrepreneurs from all over the world. She's a sought after podcast guest and founding member, regular contributor to the Forbes coaches Council. Please welcome my friend Christine Meyer, thank you for being here with us today.

Christine Meyer 

Hey, Nick, thank you for having me and taking me up on my, my invitation to be on your podcast.

Nik Tarascio 

Absolutely. Absolutely. No, it's It's, it's been a long time coming. I think. For context, Christina and I met in Sedona, Arizona at a really fun retreat with our friend Andrea Lake. She had hosted us out there and I think we really connected over was whoopee cushions in in the aisle of

Christine Meyer 

CVS or? Yes, we totally we totally bonded on on. I think that thing was called a flop. So we were flopping in the aisles of CVS. That's right. And I remember the look you had when you when you saw me playing with it. You were somewhat shocked. But so delighted. Yes, there was there was another, someone in the world who would actually play with you in those ways.

Nik Tarascio 

Yeah, I mean, I think in some ways, in many ways, that's what the the podcast for me is like, let's not take ourselves too seriously. Like we talked about big ideas. We talk about going and doing all this meaningful stuff in the world. But then I think sometimes people just forget that it's also supposed to be fun, right? It's also supposed to be enjoyment. And it's all a big comedy anyway.

Christine Meyer 

It's all one big sitcom. And if you can, I do my best to see my life that way. Even in those moments when there's plenty of stuff going on that that isn't particularly fun, quote, unquote. It's like, How can I find the fun in it. And I do think that for those of us who want to achieve, and feel and live into our highest potential, do and be all that we can, it is a fine line, truly, to, to not take that too seriously, to continue to introduce FUN into your life and to make life fun. Because if you're not having fun, if you're not enjoying it, if you're not feeling good your way to what you want. What's the point?

Nik Tarascio 

Yeah, yeah, you're kind of hitting on. Really the, you know, the heart of the show is around fulfillment. And I think that there's a lot of people including myself that have been on that treadmill of doing more building more to I don't know what and right like just always doing more in hopes that maybe someday I'll feel whatever feeling I was chasing. So that's really kind of the heart of what the show is is, is how do we find that fulfillment? I know because of the conversations you have and the kinds of people you support. I'm sure you have a lot to say about it. But first, because I think you and I always turn we always go to these big ideas. I always end up liking these really fun, dynamic conversations about really cool ideas. I'm curious to hear more about your origins and as a teenager as a kid like what was that early dream for you? What was the thing that you felt pulled to what was fun for you?

Christine Meyer 

And well, I really wanted to be a vet. And I really wanted to be a racecar driver. And I always really liked helping people. So so that was truly the big pull for me now racecar driver doesn't fall into that but that was just the adventures that the part that I would love to experience. So the poll was was always because I cared very deeply about how other people felt before I cared very deeply about how I felt.

Nik Tarascio 

Oh, that's interesting. So Well, first, I have to ask, Do you have pets?

Christine Meyer 

I said that on purpose. What's that?

Nik Tarascio 

Do you have pets?

Christine Meyer 

I have two amazing dogs. I call them my boys BO Y, Z. And I just, I just, I don't know. They're just they've got my heart. I just love my boys.

Nik Tarascio 

Fantastic. So So you've gone down the path of you were drawn to animals, you have some animals now? Do you have speeding tickets?

Christine Meyer 

No, I do not.

Nik Tarascio 

I actually racecar racecar driver thing did not materialize

Christine Meyer 

doesn't mean I don't dry fast. Oh, I just, I just know where the cops are

Nik Tarascio 

even better, even better.

Christine Meyer 

I can feel them before them before I spot them. Yes, I get those impulses. I'm just gonna slow down a little bit here. Just like this morning, that happened this morning. Just slow down a bit here. And then shortly after a cop pulled up behind me on the highway.

Nik Tarascio 

Fantastic. So the third thing you said that again, I really you know, this idea of helping people before you help yourself? How did that show up in the earlier parts of your life, when you may have not understood that that's what was going on.

Christine Meyer 

That showed up in my life. In terms of putting myself second, I sort of overrode how I felt to help someone else feel better. I overrode what I wanted. In many cases, before I chose what I wanted. And I think society somewhat trains us like that we observe people responding to us. And so I wanted you to feel good. And so I would do things that would, you know, help you out in those ways. And I think we have to reverse that. I think we have to be selfish, we have to care about how we feel first, so that we can help other people so that we can be a value to other people. And so I do make how I feel a priority. And then I go out into the world, I make how I feel a priority. And then I have conversations. Because if I want to be a value, not only to myself and and be satisfied with who I am and enjoy my life and feel joyful and happy, then I have to attend to how I feel, make that a priority. And then when I go out into the world, I can be a value to others. I can help others I can, even if I don't say a word.

We're supposed to have silence there, right? We are. Yeah.

Nik Tarascio 

It makes me very uncomfortable. When there's long silence, especially on a podcast, we were like did the radio break.

Christine Meyer 

The radio did not break, the radio did not break. And I liked that you left the pause there. Because pauses are really good pauses are good for to sort of take it all in pauses are good to sort of in that moment, feel where you are. And take a pause, take a pause. We don't have to fill all of the spaces and there again,

Nik Tarascio 

yeah, there we go. All right, good. We're pushing boundaries for me right now.

Christine Meyer  

We are no I get that we want to fill the spaces when we're doing a podcast. But but you know, in your life, if people do get uncomfortable with silence, I love silence. I love silence. When when I'm in a room with other people. I love silence. I love engaging. I love having conversations. Yes. And silence is so golden as well. It's like when you're when you're silently and I feeling you, you and I have many of these conversations that include those pauses in those vibrational communications. You see, we're much more interpreters of of energy than we give ourselves credit for. And so when those silences happen, if you can just sort of melt into it, and just feel your way through it, and then pick up the conversation.

Nik Tarascio 

Yeah, I mean, talking to you is always fun for me, because it's a dance. And I've noticed that I really struggle with the one sided conversation. You know, I really struggle when it's someone either requires me to carry the whole thing, or someone leaves no space for me to be in the dance. And I just I appreciate again, like you do leave space for others. And so there's something really beautiful about that. And so I want to go back to, you know, this prior version of you this earlier version of you that, you know, put your needs or wants second. And now you've come to this place of saying I'm actually going to take care of myself first. And I believe that from that space, I mean, again, I'm an aviation right so we talked about the oxygen mask you put your own on you secure your own before you help anybody else. I'm really interested in knowing more about is there a particular story in your life? That was the like, Aha breakthrough for you where you're like, I just can't do this to myself anymore. It's actually not in service of other and it's not in service of self. What was it more of a gradual process for you?

Christine Meyer 

I think it was a combination of many experiences, I don't think that there was one aha moment, there was one that sort of tipped the scale for me. But it but it's not only one event, I think it's a lifetime of events, a lifetime of experiences a lifetime of, of collecting data, and, and making choices and decisions and recognizing that perhaps I'd gone too far off on the other scale, or realize that my desire was now stronger. To make myself important. When not ask anyone not ask anyone else, to make me important. And that's something I want to clear here make clear is that the choice was to, I'm going to value myself, I'm going to make myself important. And I'm not going to ask one other person in the world to do that for me.

Nik Tarascio 

Would you tell us about that? That particular tipping point experience?

Christine Meyer 

Yeah, I guess I remember standing. I had been married for quite a while at this time to a lovely man, nothing ever, I would never say anything bad about him. He, we still speak to this day. And we had the picture perfect life, we had the life where you have the things and the people around you and all of those things. And yet, I found that I wanted something different. I wanted to discover who I was. And I wanted to discover even more about finding true happiness without all of the stuff. And and there had been a deep desire in me from the time that I was small to understand energy to understand the universe to understand my place in the universe to understand why I'm here who I am, what this is all about. And so there was a moment there, where I thought this, this is the beginning. This is the beginning for me of truly understanding that. And, and so I ended up eventually following inspiration, love, I loved myself into that relationship and loved my way in. And I also loved my way out of that relationship. Because I said yes to me, and it was not against him. It was yes to me.

Nik Tarascio 

That's beautiful. And I wonder, as you say that, putting oneself first and talking about loving your way out of a relationship? How do you manage the I don't know if it's a cultural thing, or I don't know, if it's just people around us that will say you're being selfish? How dare you put yourself first, right? Because a lot of us don't allow that narrative. Even when you say it, it's like, there's a little part of me that's like, as the way I grew up, it wouldn't be okay to say that, like, Oh, guys, I'm gonna put myself first and then everyone comes second, when I put myself first I do want to be in service of others. But it's there seems to be this, this negative sense of putting yourself first, how did you navigate that? And how do you still hold that space of like, it is actually the most loving thing to put myself first.

Christine Meyer 

And I love that. So So Well, again, when people are asking you to put them first what are they doing?

That's actually quite selfish sounding.

Christine Meyer 

Right. And so if we could all we won't all find agreement in this. But if we could all find agreement that we are born selfish, we are selfishly wired, you can only think through self feel through self and perceive through self, and you are the creator of your reality. No one else creates for you. No one feels for you. No one thinks for you know, and proceeds for you, you can walk a mile in somebody else's shoes, but at the end of the day, there's still somebody else's shoes. So how do I live that? I do my best to? Yeah, of course, I'll hold someone responsible for how I feel temporarily I'm I'm human. But underlying that is the true knowing that how I feel is about me, how I feel is how I'm perceiving you. How I feel is how I'm perceiving what you're perceiving about me. It has nothing to do with you. And so I do practice selfishness and, and not because not only because I want to be in service to others, because then that's another that's another little attachment. It's like I'll do it for me just as long as it's benefiting others. I want to stand proudly in my selfishness. And what that does is it makes me responsible if you will get I get to take the credit for Mike reactions, I get to take the credit for how I feel, I get to take the credit for what the relationships are around me. And so I encourage everyone to be selfish, I encourage everyone to reconsider the idea that selfish is bad. Because if you're not being selfish enough to feel good, then you're going to blame someone else for how you feel. Or you're going to think that they need to do something, be something different, do something different, so that you can feel better, and that's powerless. So being selfish is empowering, contrary to what society will have. You believe. And the reason why people don't want you to be selfish, is because they are selfishly wired, and they want you to do what they want you to do. And they call you selfish, interesting, everyone is selfish. Some people won't allow themselves to admit that they want to be selfish. And some people will put others ahead of them like I did, and then blame them. And again, I'm not saying I'm not at all saying here, don't do things for other people. That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying care how you feel. Make that a selfish quest, hear about how you feel, and and discover that you can affect how you feel. And you're in charge of that, and leave everyone else off the hook. It's your job.

Nik Tarascio 

Where's the boundary? So if someone says, Okay, this is amazing, I'm super inspired by you, which I always am. But if someone says like, I'm really inspired by this concept of going out into the world, and trying this new version of being self referential and selfish in this way, but I worry that I may not do good in the process. Like I don't know how to know when it's, is there too selfish? Or is there different kinds of selfish, I still want to be in service of others. But I think what you said is right, when I've not done that, when I put myself second, I end up resenting the person I was trying to help, and they never even asked for that. They're like, why are you pissed at me? Or why? Are you holding things over me? Or why do you feel like I owe you something? Like, Oh, I did stuff that I didn't even want to do for you in the first place. So where's that line of like, how do we stay in a healthy form of selfishness?

Christine Meyer 

Well, well, you can tell by the way you feel when you're putting yourself first and not pushing against someone else. You're not harming other people. And, you know, there, there are things that will feel good to you to do, and things that won't feel good to you to do. And there are things that will feel good to me. So it's all a personal journey of discovery. And I say, All right, then go far off the other end of the scale and get get selfish in whatever ways you feel from where you are, and see if that feels good. And then ratchet it back and you'll find your way you'll find your way. But if you if you apply this umbrella of being selfish is good. How does it feel to put myself first? Well, it feels I feel guilty for doing that, because I've been told all my life not to do that. And it's like, how, how did we come to that conclusion, again, we came to that conclusion, because I please mean, right, just do the things I want you to do. And I'll be happy, I'll feel good. And if you don't, you've got a very short leash, because if you don't do the things that I want you to do, then I don't feel good. And I don't like that. And I think it's your fault. You see how intertwined and messy that gets, if we would all just get selfish and tend to how we feel. And yeah, we will play with people that will push our buttons, but that's part of being a human, and that those people are huge gifts to you, that the number one you attracted you rendezvous with. But also, you could thank those people that push your buttons, you can say thank you for contributing to my expansion. You're really annoying to me right now because I'm perceiving you from that perspective. Or, or or you are, you know, put in whatever you want. And but this interaction is causing me to expand. So really on the flip side of that is a huge thank you for causing me to expand and in this moment, I am not taking my expansion I am not that of all which I've become in this moment because I'm still blaming you. But you've contributed greatly to my experience.

Nik Tarascio 

Give me a real example of that so I can really, really grasp it.

Christine Meyer 

Well, so Okay, a real example is my daughter the other day when stirred a few things up, and, and I was not happy about that. I was angry about that, about her choices. And so she is the creator of her life. She's going to create experiences for herself too. Expand, that's none of my business really. And when this all unfolded, I had emotions around it, right, I felt angry, I felt disappointed, I felt sort of all a little bit all over the place, numerous emotions around. And, but once I was able to take step back from it, I was able to think, Alright, so she did this thing, I had a reaction to it. Whether it's right or wrong, I don't like really to put things in categories like that right or wrong, good or bad. It's an experience that she attracted into her experience for her own choices for her own experience for her own expansion. So as I look at that, and I see it, is there a different perspective, rather than judgment, rather than being disappointed rather than being angry, rather than then wanting to blame her for how I feel and and judge her, let's say, How can I take that experience that's made me expand, because now I have an opportunity, look at something that I've never looked at before. And think of it differently. Without that experience that I run a food with, I can keep, keep on keeping on with my beliefs and my assumptions and my judgments and my perspectives about things. Having that experience expanded me into a whole new universe of understanding of letting go of some old beliefs, some, some, some wiring that I might have around what parenting means, what parenting is, what a good or bad air quotes here, parent I am, what a good job, I'm doing what and, and because we are wired to love, we just are at the core of who we are, we are wired to love and when we are not loving, we are diminishing our own experience. So in those moments, when something is happening, that you don't like, you might not be able to feel love or appreciation for it. But as you step away from it and review it, can you find appreciation for that? Can you find the benefits in having an experience that you don't want? Think that you don't want? Can you find the benefits and the positive aspects, the the expanded version of what's really going on here? Because we're all expanding beings. And when we don't feel good, we've expanded and we're not going with that expansion. And so we do limit ourselves, we limit ourselves in those moments, we have these reactions to things, and then we kind of leave it there.

Nik Tarascio 

When it comes to children, I always try not to press too much on a specific story so that no one is sharing too deeply in that way. But I'm wondering if you could share without maybe telling her side of it? What was the judgment? And then what was the specific thought expansion that took place for you?

Christine Meyer 

Yeah, that's a great question. So so the the, the judgment around it was, you shouldn't have done that. The judgment around that was I don't like that the judgment around that was, you know, better than that. And then then a layer underneath that was, what does that mean about me as a parent? Right, because because, as a parent, I take my child as an extension of me, she's her own person and all of that, but her behaviors and how she goes out into the world. I do feel it's a reflection on me, also. And so that's the expansion. That's the expansion is how much does it reflect on me? How, how much does this have to do with me versus her being the creator of her own reality? Also, it touched on am I trying to control this child? How much control Have I got? What's mine and what's hers? What part of this is going to benefit her? And what part of it is it benefiting me? Because really, what's benefiting her is none of my business. That's for her to work out. I just hope that I give her the tools to work that out. But what she gets from it is truly none of my business. What I get from it is and so it it broadened my thought it because you can only you bump into things to help you expand And you bump into things to, to question your own perspectives and beliefs. And so it had me really, again wonder, how can I continue to let go, she's my child, and I feel responsible for her, but she's also the creator of her own reality, and she will continue to create her reality, whether I like it or not. And I might not always like it or not. And so then how can I then think differently about the situation? Am I? Am I blowing it out of proportion? Am I? How did I bump into this? And can I appreciate that I did bump into this and see it, again, to the point that we were speaking about as a sitcom see it as it's kind of funny. It's kind of funny.

Nik Tarascio 

Yeah, you know, it's the piece that I hear coming through, there's, as you were speaking, one I'll share a silly story is that my family has this funny thing we do at dinner, where when there's, you know, some shared food, or like a brownie, we'll just keep cutting it in half, until there's like the smallest morsel left, because no one wants to take the last piece. Right? I'm realizing like this plays that that, that dynamic of selfishness, but the other side of it is judgment. It's a fear of judgment, right? It's like, I want to have that because clearly I keep taking from it. But I don't want to be the one to take the last bit because of how that will be perceived by everybody else. So it's, it's a really funny thing of like, don't clear the plate, don't be the one to take the last bit so that no one else is left with anything. And as as you were talking that was coming through. And I started to think through how selfishness and judgment are these really complicated things of, you know, it's easy for me to say like my outside judgment is the worry, but it's not. It's actually my inner judgment. That is holding me back from being selfish. It's, it's the it's my projection of what I believe other people would think because I actually ranked that about myself. So I'm wondering how you've seen that judgment come up in the narratives, again, you're working with some of the most impressive people on the planet, right. And one thing I've noticed, as I've spent more time in, like the YPO communities in the entrepreneurial community is, it almost seems like people only go as far as they allow themselves to get right. There's a certain point where like, I couldn't make more money than this, or I couldn't possibly have done that. How do you help people with this concept of expanding their own self worth overcoming judgment and allowing themselves to be selfish,

Christine Meyer 

then? Well, it's different for everybody, right? Because everybody's in a different place about it. There are common beliefs there are, there are similar perspectives about being selfish, certainly. But I really work with the individual on where they're at with it. So that that could just be again, we talk about the broader perspective, we talk about the bigger general concepts of things first, because we need to lay a foundation on selfishness. If I just say to you, Nick, just stop being selfish, you're gonna say, but no, why? Why would I. But now that we've laid that foundation, now that I've sort of explained or expanded upon the subject of selfishness and brought in a new perspective, you're going to start considering that you are. And so it's, it's that a lot of it is that I'm bringing in new perspectives, I'm bringing in new foundations from which we bounce off of, and then you, I can't apply it for you. We talk about how to apply it, we talk about how you apply it here and perhaps couldn't, didn't feel right to apply it here and so on. But you have to discover how that plays into your life and you pay attention to how you feel you pay attention to what you're thinking you pay attention to your inner dialogue, you pay attention to how you, you're the judgment that you're having about yourself for saying, No, you know what, I'm not going to do that tonight because I'd rather stay home or I'd rather kind of like put yourself in a group of people who want to go to a restaurant. And let's say you're all standing on a street corner and you want Chinese food, but everyone and someone else wants steak and someone else wants doughnuts and someone else wants whatever right sushi and how do you ever How do you ever sort that out? Unless you're unless you're willing unless it's okay with you to go and have some of the other but if you really want what you want, why not just say hey, you guys go do your thing. I'm gonna go eat what I want and I'll see you later. But again, it's about taking responsibility for self taking credit for self taking credit for how I feel and and what I want because what you want and what I want might be different, but neither one is wrong.

Nik Tarascio 

I mean, this literally just happened last night was I've my fiance and my friend wanted to have sexual Chinese. I don't really like it. I don't like the spice makes my tongue numb. Not not fun for me. Like did you go No. I literally said I won't go I'm actually like I prefer to go to this other place and we got Indian instead. I'm okay with spice, just not certain spices. But it was like really interesting because at first I was like, I don't want to go. But I kind of threw a bit of a tantrum of like, I'm going to leverage the fact that me not going is the punishment. Like it's very avoidant behavior, right? And it's like, Wait, actually, I'm trying to muscle an outcome, which is also not great. It's like true. If I can say from a place of care, recognize, yeah, if I can, if I can say from a place of care, why don't you guys go, if that's what you really want to enjoy, I'm happy to opt out. But if you'd like me to be included, I'd prefer this other place. So I'll let you guys choose whether being with me is more important than sensual and Chinese. And I'm not offended either way, if that's your choice. So it was like an interesting,

Christine Meyer 

so much freedom, freedom, there's so much freedom. And that is that, like I said, Let others off the hook. And you know, there was a time, I don't know, several years ago, when the for July 4, my husband and daughter wanted to go see the the fireworks downtown. And I just didn't want to. And so I said, Hey, you guys go, I'm going to stay home, I wanted to see the fireworks. But I didn't want to go there. And that's okay. Right what I want and what they want is, even if it's different, it's okay. And so I didn't feel offended that they went without me, I didn't try and pull a guilt trip or manipulate them into doing what I wanted to do. I truly freely wanted them to do what they wanted to do while I also wanted to do what I wanted to do. And so off they went, they saw the fireworks there. And I sat here and I came upstairs, I looked out the windows, and I probably saw five different spots of fireworks going off. And so what why I'm saying this story here is because I want people to start, at least considering the idea that we can all have what we want, even if it looks different.

Nik Tarascio 

Yeah. Yeah, except Except, and again, this is where I had a real edge with this yesterday was, did I actually want to just have different food on my own? Or did I actually want them to come to the other restaurant with me? Because what I didn't do yesterday was powerfully say, Listen, I'm pretty attached to not eating at that place, because it makes me feel sick. But I'd very much like to spend time with you guys, would you? Would you be open to that invitation. Now again, it all worked out in my favor. But it was almost too much vulnerability for me to say, I would feel sad if we didn't have dinner together. This is someone who was visiting from out of town. So it's I would have felt sad, had he not been there? Or if he had chosen the food over spending time with me. But I found that I didn't really say it was in the

Christine Meyer 

food, chosen the food over spending time with me. Is there a different way that you could look at that? You're making it a disorder that when not really, like if you want something to eat and he wants something deep? Could he not goes get something to eat? And then you get together again later?

Nik Tarascio 

Yeah, I mean, again, and I think that's also part of the like, expansive possibility of hey, instead of meeting tonight for dinner, why don't you go get the food, you want to get the food I want. And we can catch up on another time while you're here in town. But it's hard not to personalize it. It's hard not to see that like, again, practice. Yeah, it does. I can see that. And again, I I imagine that, especially in long term intimate relationships or business partnerships are any like real high stakes, you know, dependent team process, that it's even harder to ask for that because it brings in all this other stuff of like, let's say I'm the more picky eater, right? And I'm not I happen to be less picky generally. But if I was the more picky eater, I'd imagine then all the shaming language comes in of like, Oh, God, you're always have an issue with everything I suggest. It's always that it's always this. So again, I imagine it's hard for some people to be selfish, when they're just different from the norm, right? It's lovely. If you're like, if you love watching baseball and drinking beers great, like you'll have plenty of people you can hang out with. But for those of us that are the strange outliers, I imagine it's it's probably not we here

Christine Meyer 

are well, it's really not that unique. And it is it's yes and a little bit. And aren't we outliers, sort of the not necessarily the Rule Breakers but the we, we question the rules. We question the beliefs around us we questioned, we question authority, we question all kinds of things right? And so Aren't we here sort of leading the way for other people, because none of us are free until we recognize that we are in charge of how we feel and what we perceive and find ways to feel better, and find ways to change our perspectives so that we we selfishly feel good. Because feeling bad, never feels good. And there's nothing wrong with feeling bad, but feeling bad, never feels good. So aren't we the ones who are on that leading edge who are saying, wait a minute, there's another way to look at this. Wait a minute, there's another belief that I could have there's something that I'm bumping into here. Whenever you feel bad, you got to know you've got to know that you are bumping into a limiting belief of Sometimes you're bumping into an outdated belief right here now, and you can do something about it now, did that belief serve you up until now probably, certainly hasn't harmed you, now you're bumping into it because you've expanded, you're not going to feel good. Unless you're moving in the direction of your expansion. You will feel dissatisfied for the rest of your life, if you don't find ways to feel good about movement forward.

Nik Tarascio 

I mean, it's, it's funny, every time I talk to you, I'm always like, I have no idea why we're talking. And I did, as I told you before we started recording, like, I don't ever have a why other than it's just fun to talk to you. Like I don't Yeah, there are people in my life that it's you know, it's an agenda. You're like, we're talking about this particular thing. And the goal is to get to some conclusion, when I talk to you, it's always fun just to meander through thoughts and find out that we're really at the crux of, at least for me, the idea that I will only ever have as much as I allow myself to have. Yep. And that's kind of 100% kind of hurts to think that is that, you know, I, again, I grew up middle class, around private jets. So I saw the Uber wealthy, and, you know, indoctrinated in, like the middle class should assume that wealthy people got that by doing dumb shit, their money came from gotten gains, so that you don't think you want that too. And you're not willing to do those things. But

Christine Meyer 

like, none of those beliefs serve you. That's right, those beliefs hold you from your own abundance.

Nik Tarascio 

That's right. That's exactly right. So it's like I keep hitting into these walls as I've gone down this road. And then I'm like, oh, it's interesting that I think a lot of the people I've spoken to that have it all, they sold for tons of money, right? They've got all the money in the world, they still have limiting beliefs that are now actually holding the mirror up to them of like, are you even worthy of this much are you allowed to?

Christine Meyer 

Absolutely. And, you know, again, there are all kinds of ways that this conversation could go but but if you're if, if you're accustomed to, to a certain lifestyle, let's say, then then your expectation is higher to allow more of that, you see. And so if you're giving, taking your your example, here, now, if you're born into money, your expectation of having money is higher, so you allow it more, if you were born not in money, and you worked your way hard, through something to something and became very wealthy, and then sold it right, then then you you found ways to allow it, perhaps through your struggling, your suffer, brings suffering. And then over the course of time, you come to believe that money only comes through hard work, struggle and suffering, and proving yourself and earning it. So so there's no, there's no straight path to anything, although we all want that straight path, everything that we introduce into our own lives is for our benefit is for our own evolution is for our own discovery and our own. So you are the creator of it, and you are also the creator of view. So you are you are creating and you are the creator, and you are the result of the creation, you see. And so, so yes, we there isn't one person on this planet who doesn't bump into some kind of a belief wall. At some point about something, whether that be money, whether that be relationships, self, it age, moving through time, like even there, let's talk about moving through time and and what people come to expect. They look around the the observe people moving through time, and many of them decline, many of them get sick, many of them, whatever, whatever, whatever. So that trains you, if you will, into an expectation of what's to come for you, even though you don't want it, you come to believe that that's what's coming for you to I don't want it but that's probably how you see what I'm where I'm going here. So at some point in time, you've got to start asking yourself, what do I want my experience to be? And, and about anything about anything, but while that's while I see that and that in that in that in that in that? What do I want my experience to be think of going to a restaurant and seeing a buffet a menu full of choices. You go to the restaurant, you say what do I want to eat? You can observe some of the other things on the on the menu and say, I don't really like that don't like that. But you're going to choose something that you want. So that that's really we have the ability to we do obliviously often, but we have a more we have more control over the outcomes we have more control over what we are actually creating. But the reason why we get some of this, and some of that, and some of this, and some of that, and some of this, and some of that is really, because we're looking at what we want, and we're talking about what we don't, we're looking at what we want, and we don't believe we can have it, we're looking at what we want. And we decide that that's just for them. Or we look at what we want, or what we would prefer. And we say yeah, but that's not how I was brought up. In inside, at the very core of me, I know I was born selfish. We all know that when we're born, but that's trained out of us. Don't you do that? You'll be selfish, please me first. You see, and so so many of the things that we accept are things that we've observed, we've been told, we perceive we felt and didn't check to see if that was really true for us to where we wanted to be wanted it to be true. And so there are plenty of opportunities, life will give you plenty of opportunities every day to bump into your limiting beliefs and ask yourself, Is this what I truly want to continue to believe?

Yeah, this resonates?

Nik Tarascio 

I'm I'm wondering what, you know, again, just more of a general curiosity. What do you believe is the most insidious, limiting belief that shows up in in the people you've worked with?

Christine Meyer 

Great question. I don't think there's any belief that is insidious, because you've come to that conclusion somehow. So I feel like what you believe is valid? Because you've come to that conclusion. But is it? Is it true? Is it authentically true, meaning authentic to who you truly are? So I think that one of the primary beliefs that people have is, I am not worthy. And I need to spend the rest of my lifetime proving myself worthy. And that applies for my clients.

Nik Tarascio 

Yeah, I imagine that people that are really good at pushing boundaries and going beyond where they were yesterday, because there are definitely some growth minded folks, right, especially entrepreneurial people, I imagine that being on the train of having the blessing of continued success must much just keep smashing into that edge. It's like dammit, I actually finally got comfortable what I had last year. And now I have more again this year. And then I'm starting a new with this whole, this whole concept of Am I worthy of this? Now I need to prove my worth to be here. And again, I only I don't know that perfect. But I know that that has been a little bit of my journey is every time I have a win, I'm like crap, we're here again. We're here again,

Christine Meyer 

you always will be because because it's what you're wired, you are wired, you were born wanting, if you didn't want the world would not expand. And so every human being that, you know, wants and even for the even the people say no, I don't want anything we want. If you still want there's still desire there is there not? I don't want anything. Yeah, that that is still a want. And so we are wired to want we are wired for desires, because desires is what keeps the universe expanding us and the universe. That's That's how evolution happens. Desires. He will evolution. And so wanting is never never never a bad thing. And think about it. When you get to when you get to a destination, let's say you, you get in your plane and you get to a destination where you don't just sit there in the plane, you get out of the plane and you check out what's there. So so it's it's, it's it's a false premise to believe that we shouldn't want and it's a false premise to believe that wanting more selfish or greedy, because we are wired at the very core of us to want more. Now the distinction I like to make is can you want more and be satisfied with where you are? Can you want more and be satisfied on the way to more knowing that what you want is inevitable? And most people don't believe because and me included? I don't always believe that I can have what I want because sometimes I want that something that's far beyond where I am right now. So it's hard. It's hard. It feels hard. It's like well, wait a minute, can I want something that that that I've not experienced yet? And the answer is yes. The answer is what I want is inevitable. Now can I mold my beliefs to match more of that desire? Because if I'm saying I want that but I want that but I want that but but but but then I'm walking around with a whole lot of butts and not much problem. Rest Of War toward what I want. But the nature of our being is to desire desire is desire is part of our DNA, if you will.

Nik Tarascio 

Man, you're just dropping bombs. So we got to land the plane soon, but I have two final questions make it a soft landing. Yeah, exactly. We're not gonna we're gonna have a hard landing today. In the case of, I mean, there's just so much rich stuff in these questions, I almost want to do part two immediately. But we can we think about this experience of desire that we all have, there's kind of a couple of different things to do. One is to say, if I don't believe I'm worthy of more than I need to shame, the desire or dissociate from that desire. On the flip side, if we want something that's like you said, I can't see the path to get there. Like, it'll probably reveal itself at some point. But today, I can't see because it's so far to go. How do I sit in the discomfort of that desire without resenting it?

Christine Meyer 

Know that see that? That's ask a different question.

Nik Tarascio 

What question should I truly don't know? Like, I mean, this is, this has been, you know, look,

Christine Meyer 

I was never asking you to sit in the discomfort of anything.

Nik Tarascio 

I know. You're not how can I? I know you're not. But I think it's like that the you know, again, I was raised in a certain way. And a lot of that is, you know, your wants are not necessary. Your needs, maybe, maybe you need too much, right? Like, there's something to that,

Christine Meyer 

well, you your needs are never too much. It's just that, you know, when you ask your parents for your fourth pair of shoes, when you were a kid, and they didn't have the money. They felt bad number one. And so what's the next best answer is like you greedy little bugger. Why do you always want more, you've already got three pair of shoes. So so it's understandable why people come to that conclusion. But but the idea is that when there's something that feels out of your reach that you want, can you understand that so Oh, this is good here. So pure desire, sorry, my face is really dark. But here we go. The pure desire, feels good, pure. People have learned to associate desire with yearning. I love that. But oh, but that kind of thing in that little voice,

Nik Tarascio 

for Exactly exactly.

Christine Meyer 

That, but I don't have it right. So then that's how we learn to manipulate, have temper tantrums, scream, beg, plead, borrow, whatever. And instead of understanding, desire, pure desire feels good, pure desire, from your soul's perspective is yummy. Something more to want, yay, something to work toward, move toward. And the reason we have desires is for the journey toward them. It's when you think about it, when you when you have a desire, and you and you finally get to it. You're happy with it. And you might appreciate it and like it and love it and have a thrilling moment about it. But how long do you just sit there and say, Good, I did that. Done. Now I'm done. Now I'm done. If you don't, there's other things you want other things, other places to be people to see and that kind of thing. So so no, no, I think it's important to understand the difference make the distinction that desire. pure desire feels good. resisted desire feels horrible.

Nik Tarascio 

Yeah, I hear a lot of foot on the gas put on the brake at the same time here. Yeah, okay. And that, okay, that's a powerful distinction, to really say, we are wired to want I think that's kind of the biggest thing I take from today. That's that's where I feel like we finally come to is we by nature should want and we should feel good in the wanting and that desiring we should find a way to give ourselves that permission.

Christine Meyer 

We by nature can't help but want not should can't help but want. We by nature are not meant to feel bad about wanting. We by nature are made to want and feel the purity of desire. We as humans, get in the way of our desires.

Well said.

Nik Tarascio 

Well said, yeah, that is again, I could go forever in these conversations. I've just every time we talk I'm like, I wish time wasn't a thing. And maybe it's not but in this case, unfortunately. So I have to ask you the last question It's so important.

Christine Meyer 

And just to time, you know, we do live within the context of time. Which gives us structure.

Nik Tarascio 

Yeah. Yeah. So, again, typically My question is, you know, you started out with a dream of being a vet and race cars and helping others. I'm actually curious to know what's your dream beyond what do you dream about now and maybe it's even what is just your desire? What is that most pleasurable desire that you hold today?

Christine Meyer 

To tune be joyful to playfully joyfully live? Wherever that takes me

Nik Tarascio 

fantastic I wish I had a whoopee cushion or something to sound off in this moment.

Christine Meyer 

Darn it, I shouldn't

Nik Tarascio 

myself for not having thought this through but I was like in that moment. Next one, some people ring bells and hit gongs. We would have just had a nice whoopee cushion sound to say. We did it you know

Christine Meyer 

and and like I have I have bathroom humor all the way through I was brought out with with three brothers and that was how we bonded we at the dinner table. They would all art can I say that on here? Oh, I to this day. I just It just It cracks me up.

Nik Tarascio 

Yeah, well, again, it's it's beautiful to come back full circle from the moment we were hanging out and CBS. And I think it was 2012 or something like that. So it's been it's been quite. So I think you really recapped it quite beautifully with what you said. And wow, just it's a big it's a big idea that we are wired to want. And sometimes we get in the way of of

Christine Meyer 

right often. Yeah, and often and that's okay. Like, I want to make that okay, but you can get out of your way. Yeah.

Nik Tarascio 

Well, I'm gonna I'm gonna hold that I'm gonna hold that for a little bit. My current desire is to really grasp what you're saying. To be able to fully give myself that experience of wanting as someone that always wants more always has wanted more and was pretty verbal about it until I was told to stop talking about it all the time. Because it's seen as a complaint, which is interesting, because I was like, Yes, I was yearning. I wasn't desiring. I didn't think I could have it so I was suffering it

Christine Meyer 

right and back to your I know you want to end here but back to your your comment before how can I? I'm paraphrasing here be okay with the dissatisfaction want to say don't be okay with the dissatisfaction. Find a way to be satisfied knowing that you'll always want more. It's an endless journey of more. And so can you find a way to be satisfied with right where you are on your inevitable way to more?

Nik Tarascio 

You speak well, you think well, too. It's fun. It's fun to watch how your mind works. So thank you. Thank you so much for being here and I again, I encourage for for any listeners interested in learning more about Christine's thoughts and work and just how her mind processes really cool information. Check out her book keep it simple, smarty pants, and you can also get a free chapter on our websites. If you check out our website. You can download a free chapter and check it out. Very low commitment but either way, Christine just so awesome to hear this stuff and I hope everyone had a great great time listening to our conversation about what be cushions

Christine Meyer 

Thanks, Nick for having me.

Nik Tarascio 

Take care. Thank you for listening to the dream beyond. I hope that you receive whatever message or inspiration you were meant to get from today's episode.

I had a great time recording it for you.

Nik Tarascio 

If you love the show, please take 30 seconds to subscribe rate and review it that really helps get the word out. And if you want to connect with me, you can find me at

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[quickdeaths]

"That might be true," Haruna admitted with a thoughtful nod, "but still, you shouldn't be made to feel like you're causing any trouble by being here." Presumably like being banished away from the rest of her class so as not to invite questions of funding. "I'm aiming not to become one of those people who always talks about how high school was the best time of my life, but, you still only get to experience it once. It's better to have fun with it, and you can't do that as easily if adults are always laying into you for something."

"Oh, she's a motivational speaker, now," Anzu added with a small rolling of her eyes. "Next time we have lunch together, Sonia-san, I'll make sure to show everything off." She felt a bit bad that Sonia was commiserating with her like that. After all, for everything she had going on in her life, and for all the trouble that came with being a girl trying to bring about change in a male-dominated space while also being a top-tier performer, Sonia surely had a lot more of it. Their lives weren't that comparable, even if she wished they were more so so she could really offer up some help to her.

She guessed there wasn't too much point in worrying about it. They were close friends, and she'd kinda picked up on what Sonia liked and didn't like, and that was probably good enough. Even Shinobu had things she could only do by herself, or didn't want Anzu's help with, so it was more important to just be the best friend in the whole wide world, and figure whatever good feelings other people got from that would trickle down to help with whatever she couldn't do anything about.

Honestly, Anzu had zoned out a little as her sister had been yapping about her quote unquote real job, but as soon as Sonia said she wasn't looking for romance, Anzu shivered. Both because, uh, no, there would in fact be romance in Sonia's near future, and it was with Shinobu, obviously, and also because someone saying they weren't so interested in romance was like a sleeper cell activation phrase for her meddling sister. She could only hope that she wouldn't push, or Sonia wouldn't budge, 'cause she was not looking to have to fight off some kind of love rival for Shinobu.

Thankfully, Haruna didn't seem like she was going to push it. "Oh, you're welcome," she said with a small laugh. "It's not a bad gig. I think a lot of people want to fall in love, but most people are better at falling in love than figuring out how to make their love work, so, that's where I come in." She smiled. "I get fanmail sometimes from people who say I saved their marriage, or helped them ask out their crush and now they're engaged, and that's nice to hear." Anzu had to keep from rolling her eyes, or jumping in to add that Haruna had been terminally single for years, and was she really someone to take advice from?

Instead, she just lightly yanked at her sister's sleeve. "Haru-nee, you're talking too much again." She wanted to keep hanging out with Sonia for a while, especially if she wasn't that busy, but Haruna probably would say something stupid if she did. It was better to keep the two of them apart, to curb whatever natural impulses Haruna had. Besides, she'd heard there was food inside the school, and she was pretty hungry. "We've got to get going, Sonia-san, but I'll see you later, okay?" She gave her friend another warm hug before motioning for Haruna to follow her. Her sister, meanwhile, frowned at the idea of leaving the conversation so soon, but gave Sonia a small smile. "Well, do come by, Nevermind-san, if you ever want to talk about anything. My door's open to all students, even if Anzu would prefer that I not talk to her friends." At that, she followed after Anzu.

It was a good thing that Alumni Day was an all-day affair, since he'd come later than intended. It had been a last-minute decision in the first place, and even as Masaru Yaguchi walked up to the front gate, some part of him was screaming to turn back and run away like he was still a frightened teenager, bending and bending and bending until he'd broken under it all. But, he reminded himself, he wasn't that boy anymore. The light spring breeze tousled his hair - black and wavy, flecked with more grey than most people in their mid-20s - and as he gathered it up to tie back, his fingers brushed against his neck and face. The marks that had been there - the cuts, the bruises - were long gone.

After adjusting the prescription sunglasses that sat over his red eyes, Masaru scratched softly at the small mole underneath the corner of his mouth. He'd put it off long enough, hadn't he? There wasn't any reason to wait outside any longer, and so he stepped through the gate, and up towards the campus proper. He hadn't RSVP'd for the day, and so hadn't received any map or instructions, so Masaru knew he'd be on his own. On the bright side, that meant he could duck out at any moment, if too many complicated memories started surfacing.

Or, maybe it wouldn't be entirely alone. There was a student standing out near some of the displays, seemingly not too busy. She must have been some kind of greeter, so asking for some help wouldn't be out of the question. "Good morning," he said with a small wave as he approached the girl, looking breezier than he probably felt. "I'm here for Alumni Day, but I think there was some mistake - I never got any confirmation, or any instructions about how the day would go." That probably sounded a little better than admitting he'd been back-and-forth about coming. "So, I'm not really sure what's on offer," he added, laughing. "Would you mind it if I asked for a little direction?"

Sonia raised her eyebrows in interest towards Anzu and Haruna. Why weren't the two sisters nicer to each other? In Sonia's view, if she had a sister or brother, they could at least lean on one another when their parents screamed and shouted, slamming doors and escaping into all manner of therapy before the next public appearance, gracing the crowds with full smiles that would never reveal otherwise. She had her cousins of course, but the boys were still young and, try as she might, she still wanted to shelter them from the worst of her parents and theirs. Someone closer in age, or even older, might have been more preferable, even if it took her down a step in the line of succession.

"I am not sure it is a waste of talent," She remarked, her smile remaining on. Better to divert the conversation, she thought, than ask about things she couldn't understand as an only child. The amount of times she'd heard "It's different when it's your sibling, they'll drive you crazy!" was already overwhelming and, in her opinion, wasn't a good enough reason in comparison to the loneliness she felt often. Compounding and, at times, with a deafening silence that no amount of well-meaning staff could eradicate.

"I am not even sure if it is mostly about respect, either," She continued with a small chuckle. "But more about potential donations. I doubt it is a good look for the school to ask for alumni support when the likes of the Ultimate Affluent Progeny and the Ultimate Princess attend, much less the Ultimate Yakuza. And as far as Komaeda-san is concerned, well, he is unfortunately off-putting for many people. So it is better if we remain inconspicuous, if only for that."

The reminder of how some people didn't think much of her talent only seemed to exacerbate after meeting Ji-yeon Iida. Sonia wasn't naive, she was aware that plenty of people existed who believed such sentiments. It was just after meeting Ji-yeon that Sonia seemingly saw it more in the world around her, and it unsettled her. Enough to push her to work harder, to prove that she deserved to sit on the Novoselic Throne not because she'd won a genetic lottery but because she was truly the most deserving person for the job.

But there wasn't much time to dwell on it: not while Anzu wanted to edge her sister out of the conversation. Sonia smiled warmly to her, assuring her friend she hadn't been forgotten. Maybe that was why Anzu persisted the way she did: she was younger and determined not to be outshined by her sister, or anyone else for that matter. "I would love to see them, thank you!" She agreed. "It is something I wish to do before I return to Europe permanently, so I suppose graduation next year might be my only opportunity. But I do sympathize with having work to be done, Anzu-san: I feel that at times, it is difficult for us to simply be teenagers, no?"

Maybe it would help bridge the gap between sisters, that both knew what it was to work when others took their leisure time. Either way, even if it was a futile attempt, Sonia would try to help them find some middle ground, though Haruna steered the conversation somewhere a bit less comfortable. "Oh!" She exclaimed, her eyes widening. "That must be a fascinating career as you are always able to help people! I admit that I am not looking for romance at all, but I will keep you in mind for the future. Thank you."

[catzula]

A kiss to warm your heart

A/N: Ahh I missed writing for Bakugou and its been a while since I had this much fun writing anything, I hope you guys enjoy it too >:(

And uh lets not make this one flop pls 😦

Pairing: bakugou x reader

Warning: cursing

Genre: fluff! Mutual pining, some jealousy but not very prominent

Synopsis: going to a skiing trip for the weekend with you friends sounds like a good idea (not as much when you realize your crush, Bakugou Katsuki is coming, too!), but it's a bit hard to actually get to skiing when you can't ride the chair lift.

"Dips on the bed next to the window!" Mina rushed into the room, throwing herself on the said bed. You sent her a fake pout as you settled on the other bed, not really caring about it's location, but it was fun to guilt-trip Mina. She gave you a crooked grin as she laid her luggage on the ground, already unpacking.  

"Change into your skiing clothes, Kiri told me we're going to go skiing in about half an hour."

"What? No! We just came, I'm tired." You protested, throwing yourself on the fluffy hotel bed, groaning and hoping you looked as yitrd as you felt so she would leave you alone.

"Y/N, stand up and wear your ski clothes? Please?" Mina held you by the arm, lulling you off the bed and thinking you were a little too strong for your own good.

"Oh, come on," she groaned when you sent her a 'leave me alone, I'm tired' look, "We're only here for two days, and we should use every chance we have! Also, it's tea time, and they are serving those little free cookies, so I'm sure you'll feel better if you just ate one."

"Yeah, all I need is cookies." You scoffed, making her grin. "Nope, all you need is Bakugou." Mina turned to the mirror and fluffed her hair, trying to look as indifferent as she could, failing at hiding her sly grin as she gave you a few seconds of silence to reconsider. 

You sighed as you rushed down the stairs, evening your pace with Mina's. You always hated walking in ski clothing since it made you feel like a burrito: overheated, wrapped with layers and layers of clothing which rustled each time you moved, and very uncomfortable.

"Free cookies, you say? Are there brownies, too?"

~~~

You knew she wanted to talk about something by the way she kept turning at you and fidgeting her hands. "What is it?" You asked when Mina glanced at you for the fortieth time the last few minutes. "If it's about you-know-who, I don't wanna hear it, though." 

"Mina-" you started to talk, but she stopped you before you could argue, although you were itching to go downstairs already because you felt like you were going to have a stroke if you stood indoors with these clothes. "Don't Mina me, and you know this is your best chance to confess to him! What are you even waiting for, for him to confess first?"

"Uh, yeah?" 

"Oh, come on!" She groaned, emphasizing the last word. "If you want to tell him, this is your chance!" 

"Well, you're out of luck, then." Mina booped your nose. "We are talking about the worlds biggest tsundere after all. I doubt he'd say anything before you do."

She was right, and you knew it. "I know," you admitted, rolling your eyes at the way she grinned proudly. "But I'm not- I don't want to damage our friendship, you know? And I'm not ready for a rejection." You laughed wryly to ease the tension you were feeling. 

"Rejection? Are you serious? You guys are so obvious that even Denki asked me if you were secretly dating. You are almost already dating, just neither of you accepted the feelings towards the other." 

Well, it was true. You and Bakugou were a little closer than friends, maybe, but him every so often flirting with you or you meeting his gaze whenever you looked at him (which happened quite often, you had to admit) didn't necessarily mean he liked you back, did it? 

"I'll- I'll do my best." You smiled at her, trying to change the subject since you were in the entrance of the sitting area. "Let's go eat something already. Do you see them?" 

"Oh, I see Kiri." She spotted, grinning when she saw Bakugou frowning right next to him. "Look, Bakugou's there, too. Hey guys!" She waved at them, running towards the duo and pulling you along. You could see how his gaze snapped up at hearing Mina's voice, the red eyes finding yours immediately and a smirk replacing the frown on his lips. 

He had no right to look this good even with snowboard clothes. His spiky hair messy because of the big ski glasses that rested on top of his head, the black, skin-tight thermals enhanced his well-built body, and his orange-striped ski pants looked like they fit him perfectly. You had to admit you were maybe a bit excited to see him snowboarding down the mountain.

"What, see something you like?" He grinned, whispering so only you could hear, frowning almost immediately after that when he turned to Mina. "Took you guys long enough."

"Yeah, don't tell me that, it was her who needed 30 minutes of convincing, although it was pretty easy to convince her after I said- well, never mind what." She grinned villainously when you sent her an 'I'll push you of a cliff if you say one more word' look.

Bakugou quirked a brow at the pink-skinned girl's sudden change of behavior but decided not to think about it much. "Oh my God, I'll pass out let's go ski already!" Kirishima chimed in, pulling on the thermals he was wearing that clung to him like a second skin, and you could feel the eyes that were looking his way as you walked through the lobby. "These clothes are waaay too warm to be wearing inside." He added, fanning himself with his hands.

He was right, and you felt suffocated, too, the clothes too warm, too tight, too much and too heavy, there were too many things to carry with you, all your hands occupied with another ski gear, and you were itching to throw them and run outside to the snow screaming.

You were glad when your friends complied, all making their way to the ski room. You spotted Mina running towards you, and her ski pants pouches were suspiciously full with something that resembled cookies. You quirked a brow at her, pointing at her bulky pockets, only to earn a grin from her. "You know, its a little snack for us to eat when we get hungry or bored on the longass chair lift ride."

"Hey Mina, send me a cookie!" Denki waved to you, making Mina grin knowingly. "See? There's demand."

You chuckled as you entered the ski room. Bakugou was already sitting on the bench, a jet black snowboard right beside him, the crimson of his eyes contrasting with the black of his board and clothes beautifully. His eyes raised to you when you entered the room, a smirk finding its place on his soft lips when your eyes wandered over the pretty snowboard. 

You couldn't look away as he leaned forward to tie his shoes, arms flexing as he tightened them to fit his legs better, and your need to go running to the snow and maybe scream a few minutes had suddenly increased.

You were approaching him when you felt someone lightly touch your arm. It was a guy around your age, you noticed, smiling widely at you, and you could tell he worked there by the tag on his chest. Shindou Yo, it read. "Can I help you?"

"Oh, thank you." You muttered, feeling somewhat shy after taking a glance at his smiling face and noticing just how handsome he was. You followed him to the counter when he told you to come with you, making you forget the existence of the crimson gaze that was following you wherever you went. 

You didn't feel it, but Bakugou watched you as you gave your name and room number to the charming boy, unaware (or maybe aware?) to his flirty remarks as he pulled out the skiing gear you rented, smiling and giggling as he said something Bakugou couldn't quite hear. You finally realized the dirty looks the blonde was sending you as Shindou kneeled before you to help you wear the ski shoes and gears, but even then, you only smiled and waved at Bakugou, not noticing how he gritted his teeth. 

"Oh, fuck this." Bakugou muttered and raised to his legs, grabbing his snowboard and storming out of the room when Shindou laid his hand on your thigh to 'support' himself to stand up. "Bakugou?" You furrowed your brows and tilted your head when you noticed him sprinting outside. You quickly realized the rest of your friends had left, too. 

Thanking Shnidou, you stood up, running out of the room, only to sigh in relief when you noticed your friends had gathered right outside of the hotel, Sero trying to help Denki wear his ski gears, but both failing miserably. 

"Y/N, right here!" Mina called and waved at you, and it was hard not to see her in her shiny silver puffer jacket. "Oh, I thought you guys left without waiting for me." You spoke, breathless when you finally arrived next to them. 

"Aw, we would never!" Mina chuckled. "Bakugou would, though. Did, also." 

"What, he left?"

"Yep, said he was going to leave ahead since quote unquote, he couldn't wait for slow extras like us."

You frowned, you thought you would be together the whole day! So he wasn't going to stay with you guys for not even five minutes? "I'm going after him." You informed Mina, skiing as quickly as you could down the small slope, in which's end stood the beginning of the chair lift. 

You quickly spotted the spiky ash blond head, holding the giant indigo snowboard in his hands with a very grumpy look on his face. You sighed, and he looked pissed. "Bakugou!" You called out, trying to get to him before his turn in the line came, not so nicely pushing people in front of you to draw near him. 

"Bakugou!" You called once again, and this time you were sure he had heard but ignored you. "Hey, asshole!" You spoke, this time in a normal voice since you had finally drawn close to him, touching his arm to get his attention. 

"What're you doing here?" Bakugou asked without taking as much as a glance at you and making you narrow your eyes. "What do you mean, what are you doing here?" You snapped.

"I said, what are you doing here? What, did your new boyfriend leave you already?"

"New boyfriend? What the hell are you talking about?" But instead of getting a rational answer, instead of getting any response, you watched as he gave you a soft 'hmph!' and turn back in front of him. You would've pushed the subject if it wasn't your turn in the line, and you were already regretting this as you entered the chair lift right after him. 

~~~

"What the hell is your problem?" You muttered after sitting in silence for a good 15 minutes, you still had about 5 minutes till you landed, but it was enough for you to have and end this conversation, you thought.

"What is my problem? What the fuck is your problem? You were the one who chased me till here, after all." Bakugou growled in response, pulling the black ski mask down to his chin as he spoke. "I chased you because you left us and went ahead! We came here as a group, so why would you go off alone?"

"And what the fuck is this new boyfriend shit you're talking about?" 

"Oh, you just had to bring him up." Bakugou muttered under his breath. "Shut up, idiot. We're going to land in a minute, so raise your legs." He instructed, pulling the safety bar over your head when you complied. 

"You ready?" He asked when the chair came to the smooth surface, knowing very well how you struggled each time you landed from these things. "Okay," he answered when you nodded, instinctively taking your hand in his gloved ones, "one, two, jump!" 

He jumped with you, holding and pulling you to himself when you lost your balance despite his instructions, and you could feel the breath he exhaled as he chuckled on your hair. "Don't laugh!" You frowned, only making him laugh harder. "Whatever, come here so the next ones to jump won't run into you." Bakugou pulled you to the side. 

"Oh, look, Sero and Mina are in the ones right after this one!" You told and pointed to your friends, Mina waving in her hands in her seat like mad and shaking the chair in mid-air.

"I'm never riding this thing with Mina again." Sero took a breath of relief as they jumped down from the chair, too. "Don't worry the next ones are the single chair ones." Mina assured him with a cheeky grin, her response making both you and Bakugou gulp audibly. 

"Oh, fuck."

"Oh, no!" You cried out.

"What's happening?"

"Oh, that's okay, Y/N, even I fall sometimes!" Mina assured you, not aware of how your situation was. "No, you don't understand." You told her. "I suck at them! I have the 1 out of 20 chance of arriving at the end of them without falling!"

"Oh my god." You rubbed your temples.

"She can't ride those single seat ones for her life." Bakugou answered instead of you. 

"Yep, she's not even exaggerating." Bakugou assured her. 

"Are you sure, you know we can help-"

"Shut up, raccoon eyes." Bakugou growled at her, making her shrug and wait in the line. "Okay, now." Bakugou turned to you. "Stop being so stiff. It's fucking easy if you just relax."

Mina quickly became aware of how sincere you were with your 18th failed attempt at the single-seat chair lifts. "You guys go ahead," Bakugou finally told them. "I'll help this idiot and come right after."

"I'm sorry for not wanting to fall on my butt again!" You gritted through your teeth as you nervously eyed the lift. "You won't fall on your ass if you just do as I say!" Bakugou snapped back. "Look at me, dumbass. It's alright."

He frowned when you stood still. "Look, I'll sit at the one right after you, okay? I'll catch you if you fall."

"Promise?" You asked, smiling when he nodded. "Well then, let's do this."

You watched as Kirishima went first, Denki going second, Mina following him, and Sero going right after. "Your turn, dumbass." Bakugou nudged you. "Look, we can try it a few minutes later if you don't feel ready-"

"No, no, it's okay." You smiled. "I can do it if I know you're there to catch me."

And you did. 

For the first time that day, you managed to go more than a meter, still as stiff as ever, but a feeling of relief bubbling inside of you as you knew Bakugou was right behind you. "Whoo!" Mina cheered when she noticed you were riding it without falling the past minute.

"Did she do it?" Denki shouted from in front of you, and you giggled when you heard Kirishima whistling from the beginning of the line. "Did she do it, did she do- fuck!" You heard Denki's muffled curse, eyes widening in horror when you realized he fell as he tried to look back at you. 

The idiot he is, Denki didn't even think of skidding to the side so he wouldn't cause Mina to fall, too, but he did. Mina accidentally kicked the blond, who sat dumbly on the floor, with her ski gears when she tried to raise her legs so she wouldn't tangle with him, but she did anyway. 

"Oh, fuck, stand aside, stand aside!" Sero cried out, but the two on the ground were panicking and weren't thinking as they kept sitting in the middle of the path. Luckily, Mina managed to throw herself into the soft pile of snow the last second before Sero crushed into her, but Denki wasn't as quick. 

"Denki, don't you fucking dare!" You shouted.

"You fucking idiot! Stop it, you're going to make me fall, too!" Sero shouted when he noticed Denki was sitting there intentionally, reaching and grabbing Sero's seat, making the gear pull the both of them.

You would've laughed at the sight if you weren't so scared of falling, since watching Denki hang from a seat by hands and the rest of his body get dragged on the snow, his face and body buried in the snow and screams muffled by all the snow he was eating as Sero slapped his fingers and tried to kick him off, was a sight to behold. But you let out a silent scream when Denki let go of Sero's seat, eyes finding you, his next prey. 

"Kick him in the fucking face!" Bakugou shouted from right behind you, but you had lost your balance before you could even comply. Letting go of the rope you were holding on to, you let yourself fall on the snow and immediately retracting to the soft snow pile off the road. 

"Bakugou?" You turned around, and Bakugou couldn't help but think how cute you looked, face red from lying in the snow, hair tangled. "Did Denki make you fall, too?" You chuckled, not even trying to stand up, snow was pretty comfortable, you realized.

"You could say that." He shrugged.

You were laying face down on the snow, chest heaving as you waited for your heart to slow down. "What the fuck are you doing there, or are you dead?" You heard a familiar voice call from behind you. 

"What does that even mean?" You smiled knowingly. "Or did you jump after me?" 

"Hm, and what if I did?" He kneeled on the snow, leaning in, his face so close that his warm breath and caramel scent the only two things you could register for a few seconds. "I promised I'd catch you if you fell."

Bakugou hadn't expected to hear you chuckle when he said that, and he wasn't sure if he was happy or angry about it. "Well, you didn't do a good job, did you? I am lying in the snow, after all."

You had a point, and knowing that caused Bakugou to frown. "I'm leaving you here." He sighed, standing up and cruelly kicking some snow on your face, too.

"Hey, no, wait! Come back, Bakugou!" You cried out. "I can't stand up, my legs stuck!" It was true since your ski had sunk in the snow at a very odd angle when you threw yourself over it, making your ankle hurt when you moved it even an inch. "Bakugou! Please!" You called out one more time, not expecting him to sigh and turn back to help you. 

"How did you even do this?" Bakugou asked as he examined your leg, touching and pulling it slightly, rolling his eyes when you whined to tell him it hurt. "Stop being a baby."

"It hurts!" You answered at the accusation, feeling somewhat awkward as he inspected your legs closely, as you lay there watching the sky or playing with the snow, making snow castles, groaning every so often when he pulled at your leg. "Okay, I'll take off your ski now- Y/N, what the fuck? Stop playing with the snow and help me!" 

"What am I supposed to do- ow!" 

"I don't know... talk about your new boyfriend or something." He spoke, narrowing his eyes at the thought and pulling your leg a bit too harshly. "I untied the ski, but you have to pull your leg." He instructed. 

"I'm bored of this new boyfriend issue, I don't even understand what the hell you're talking about!" You whined as you did as he said and pulled your leg despite the sharp pain. You actually did have an idea of what he was angry at, but it was so dumb, you didn't even want to think he was jealous of a guy you talked to for 5 minutes tops.

"Ah, fuck." You moved your now fee leg, brows furrowing when you felt a sharp stab of pain. "I think I injured it."

"I'll take you back to the hotel." Bakugou sighed, sitting on the floor to untie his snowboard as well. "Can you walk?"

"I'm not sure." You answered honestly. It hurt a lot to walk in unpressed snow since it was already hard to walk in it without being injured. "Okay, wait a second." He stood up, leaning towards you. "Bakugou what are- oh." You stood still as he snaked his arms beneath your leg and back, pulling you to himself and lifting you to his chest. 

"I'm willing to bet you won't be able to walk." He huffed, his warm breath touching your neck. "Yeah, but are you sure you'll be able to carry me all the way to the hotel?"

You smiled when he quirked a brow at you as if to ask, are you challenging me?"

"Who do you think you're talking to?" He smirked proudly. "Are you okay? Comfortable? Is your leg okay?" 

"I'm fine, don't worry." You chuckled, leaning back into him and relaxing between his arms. It felt nice to be in his hold. "Let's go, quick, since I'm sure my new boyfriend's very worried too." You teased, your words bringing his movements to a halt. 

"I won't have mercy and drop you face into the snow." He growled, but you grinned cheekily. "No, you won't."

"What makes you so sure?"

"Hm," you nuzzled to him, you could hear his quickening heartbeats. "I think you like me a bit too much for that." You muttered, feeling braver than you probably should, trying to hide your nervousness with a smile. 

"Well, maybe I do." He whispered, his eyes locked on your lips. "But I have another way to get back at him."

"And what's that?"

"I can kiss you, you know. Make him as jealous as I've been feeling this whole day."

You leaned towards him as well. "I'm not complaining." You smiled, closing the gap between your lips and smiling into the kiss. Bakugou could feel the warmth of the kiss spreading to his chest. 

[writer-darling]

"She'll Eat Him Alive." (Almost Famous, 2000)

Rating: PG-13 (13+)

Pairing: Ezra (Prospect, 2018) x F!Reader

Warnings: Drug use, alcohol mentions, angst, good old 70s misogyny, rock n' roll groupies; age-appropriate (idk what this falls under haha), toxic-ish relationship???? (If you've seen Almost Famous, I'm doing a Russell/Penny knock-off ok?). If there are any that I missed, please inbox me to let me know and I will add them in (:

Word Count: 2.4k

Summary!: The year is 1975 and you're quote, unquote "retired" from your former life as the renowned Band-Aid leader Lady Madonna. However, after a meetup with your Band-Aid friend, Sapphire, you're pulled into that life for one more night with the talented guitarist, Ezra.

Act I

“In Which She Pretends She Doesn’t Care About Him…”

“C’mon, it’ll be fun!” Your friend, Sapphire pleads with you as she clings to your arm. Her blue eyes, which gave her her Band-Aid name, bore into yours as you two walked along the strip.

“Why don’t you just go, Saph? I’m sure you’ll have much more fun without me.” You say, pulling the fabric of your velvet coat tighter on your shoulders.

“No, it won’t! Everyone knows it’s not a party without Lady Madonna.” She says, pouting exaggeratingly at you, making you laugh. You open your mouth to try and convince her otherwise but she speaks up again, “You know things haven’t been the same since you left. We need our fearless leader again, baby!”

The reality was, you were avoiding the party at the Hyatt House because of one reason and one reason only: Ezra. He was part of the band The Prospectors, and you two had met on their first tour back in ‘69. Now, six years later, you were much more acquainted with the bass player than you had ever intended to be. You’d sworn a few months ago that you had retired, and the announcement had been devastation to all of your fellow Band-Aids. As their reluctant leader after Penny Lane’s own retirement, you had done everything in your power to steer them the right way. It had been your responsibility to show them the ropes and now they all knew how to handle themselves. You had moved and had done most of the work to cut ties with everyone, save for Sapphire because she was your only legitimate friend from this life. Now, you were regretting that as well.

You had kept pretty mum about the reason for your retirement, but the truth was you needed to start over. All of this had been a gas back when rock n’ roll was the shiny, newest thing but now everyone was hanging on to its coattails as it gave its last hurrah. One minute it had been about the music, the art. Beautiful, exhilarating, and lovely. It was full of color, sound, and life. Now it was all drugs and chaos. Things had changed, like always, and it was a sad thing to see it go. But, you were alright with change, and you needed out before this sinking ship took you down with it. You had made a promise both to yourself and to Penny Lane that you would set yourself free from all this. You would do what needed to be done to get away because this shit show was only going to get worse. It threatened to pull anyone and everyone under, especially those who were willing to go without a fight.

Ezra though… he was someone special. The way he handled and played his instrument like it was a lover he wanted to keep in his embrace forever was something that never failed to hypnotize anyone watching him on stage. He had the passion of Townshend, the soul of Hendrix, and the showmanship of Page. Honestly, all of the guys in the Prospectors were good musicians, sure, but he could be someone great. So, at your reluctance, you had agreed to take him on as your newest project last summer. To inspire him with his music, be his muse while they all made a name for themselves. Now though, you knew it was something different, something more. And that scared you. You could handle lust, you could handle sex. But those sickly-sweet feelings that Ezra stirred in you were anything but. What had Penny Lane said? "I always tell the girls never take it seriously. If ya never take it seriously, ya never get hurt, ya never get hurt, ya always have fun." When it was no longer fun, you knew it was time.

“Please Lady??” Sapphire begs once more, bringing your attention back to her. “Damon personally asked me to make sure you’re there.” She suddenly smirks and gives you a knowing look. “Apparently Ezra hasn’t stopped talking about you all summer.” That piques your interest. “And you don’t even have to show up as the Lady Madonna! You can just be our special guest!” You knew what she meant by “the” Lady Madonna. The Lady Madonna, leader of the Band-Aids. The Lady Madonna, life and soul of the party. The Lady Madonna, the “fucking groupie.” She was confident. She was lively. She was the one Ezra wanted.

But, you would see him again. One last time couldn’t hurt, right? Just one more night with him. One more where you could both sleep with each other just for the hell of it and then you would part ways with him forever. You needed it, otherwise, he would undoubtedly linger in your thoughts, no matter how far you run. You run a hand through your hair and nod. Fine, just show up, flirt with him, bang him, and bail. You could do that, right?

“Alright, fine.” She squeals happily and throws her arms around you, hugging you tightly before hailing a taxi to take you both to the Hyatt house.

Act II

“In Which He Pretends He Doesn’t Care About Her but He Goes Right for Her…”

“Look, I told you I would get Lady here didn’t I?” Damon asks, taking another hit of the joint between his fingers, and Ezra frowns at him. He sets his acoustic aside for a moment. Theo - lead singer - takes his own guitar, picking up where he left off, making everyone join into a sing-along of American Pie. The smell of weed and cigarettes drowns the room, with the accompanying smoke making everything slightly hazy. Ezra brings his bottle of Red, White, and Blue up to his lips, trying not to grimace. He hated all these substances, truthfully, but he didn’t want to be called a spaz. If you weren’t taking something, you weren’t actually “in it.” as Damon liked to say.

“I thought the girls said she was retired.” He had heard rumors flying around that you had done your best to sever all ties with the Band-Aid lifestyle. You had announced your retirement, moved to a new city, and even changed your name. Polexia insisted it was now something like Mary Grace or Nancy Drew, but no one knew for sure. The sting he had felt when he first heard about it didn’t go unnoticed by him. In fact, he had spent days ruminating in it, brooding and genuinely wounded. Not that anyone noticed, they all figured he was just getting into the proper headspace for their upcoming shows. No one cared that he was anything but his usual conversationalist self. No one cared that all he wanted to do after rehearsals and sound checks was retreat into his hotel room and try to think about anything but you.

To put it simply: he loved your company. You were smart and beautiful. You could outsmart anyone, even him. You were above all of this. And he loved that. He loved that you didn’t fawn over him or any of the other rockstar wannabes you came across. You had a good, solid head on your shoulders. You could keep up with his musings and his constant mood shifts whenever he had to change from his stage persona to himself. Lately, though, the boundary between those two seemed to grow thinner and thinner and he had a sneaking suspicion that that was one of the reasons for your departure. You two had never spoken about what this was between you. But he figured that surely you knew that you inspired him like nothing else. Every song he had in his notebooks (and the other 10 in his head), were about you. You were intertwined in every single note of every melody, every chorus, every goddamn lyric.

“Oh come on, you think a chick like her would just retire?” Damon says, bringing Ezra’s attention back to him. “Please. Here she was treated like royalty! Free booze, free drugs, free sex. Not to mention all the gigs she could go to. She’s probably been searching for a reason to come back here.” Ezra shakes his head, unsure. You weren’t superficial or self-interested like that. “Hey,” Damon says, “You just worry about the gig tomorrow and leave the rest to me, alright?” Ezra sighs, running a hand through his hair. Damon was a dick, but he was their manager and always made sure the band was ok. So, he had no choice but to trust that Damon would keep his word. He nods and Damon grins, clapping him on the back. “Good, now cheer up Romeo.” Ezra frowns at that, flicking him off and Damon laughs, going over to Estrella and pulling her in for a kiss. Ezra looks away, his mind going back to you. While he was hurt, he was also proud. Many in this life of rock n’ roll were oblivious to the fact that jumping from tour bus to tour bus, hotel to hotel wasn’t sustainable. Unless you were another Ozzy or Frampton. But you knew it and Ezra knew it. And the fact that you had left before he had was a point of pride for him. He knew you could make something more than this. So why was he pulling you back in?? Before he can question things longer, you walk in and his breath falters.

When you enter, it’s like all the air in the room is sucked out. You’re smiling, engaged in conversation with Sapphire and one of the guys from Humble Pie. He can’t help it as he rakes his gaze over you, taking in every detail of your body so he can commit it to memory. As if he doesn’t already know every curve, every inch as well as he knows the back of his hand. When Sapphire and her conquest go sit with Estrella and Damon, you clear your throat and speak,

“Ladies and gentlemen!” Everyone turns and they cheer as they spot you in the middle of the room. “Now I know that most of you heard about my retirement,” You pout exaggeratedly as many in the crowd “aw” sadly. “Well, I am here to confirm that the rumors are indeed true.” Louder aws erupt, along with a couple “boos.” You shush them. “However, I decided to come back here for one last… shindig.” You shimmy and the crowd riles up, making you grin. You gaze over everyone, not lingering on any gaze in particular and his heart squeezes in his chest. If you would only look at him. But you don’t, turning back to Sapphire at the last possible second. “So let’s make this a night to remember, got it??” The crowd goes crazy at that and Ezra can’t help the grin that spreads across his face. The way you could captivate a crowd with your energy, your words. The way you bring every party to life. It honestly takes his breath away. The party resumes, the sing-along now transitioning to “All You Need is Love” and he watches as you sit on a couch in the corner. Damon walks over, kissing your cheek in greeting and handing you a beer before glancing at him pointedly. You turn your gaze to him, finally, just as Ezra’s about to look away, and he almost dies then and there. Your eyes are calling him forward and you bite your lip, smiling at him slightly in greeting. He smiles now, and winks at you, his cool persona keeping his heart from thudding out of its chest. You giggle softly and stand up,

“I need ice.” You announce and pull your coat tighter around your shoulders. Ezra is quick to follow, handing Damon his acoustic and trailing after you like a dog on a leash. He knows at that moment, he’ll follow you anywhere.

Act III

“In Which it All Plays Out the Way She Planned It…”

You feel Ezra’s gaze burning into your back as you both walk to the storage closet. Was this really happening??? You pinch yourself as discreetly as possible, wincing. Fuck, it was. You had felt his eyes on you as soon as you had entered that damn party and had done everything in your power not to return that gaze. But, of course, you couldn’t help yourself for long. That damned smile of his had been enough to make you move, and now here you are, about to hook up with him in yet another hotel storage closet. You open the door and step inside, and he does the same. For just a second, it’s entirely dark and you wonder if you can slip out without him noticing, but then he flicks on the light.

He’s closer than you thought and you step away, leaning against the shelf full of extra towels and toiletry packs. You place an easy smile on your face as your eyes adjust to the sudden light. You’re glad that the light in the room is dim, dingy. Makes it harder for you to focus on those damn eyes. You’re both silent, but you can feel the questions he wants to ask in the air between you. How many of those questions you’re willing to answer is yet to be determined.

“So, the rumors are true then?” He suddenly says in a serious tone, making you look at him straight on. Oh boy, here we go. “The great Lady Madonna has returned to us, huh?” He breaks out in a smile and the tension is gone instantly. This takes you by surprise and you laugh softly. You nod, running a hand through your hair before giving a dismissive shrug.

“What can I say? I know when my people need me.” He nods pensively, before tilting his head slightly at you.

“Why did you leave in the first place?” He asks and you shrug again, looking away from him.

“Oh ya know, just need to get away.”

“But you came back.” He says and you nod.

“I’m just here at Sapphire’s request.”

“Bullshit.” He says and you meet his eyes. He’s smirking, leaning against the wall opposite to you and you raise an eyebrow. “You’re here because you want to be.” You don’t show your protests, shrugging again.

“Maybe. Either way, I’m here, aren’t I?” He smiles, and his hands go to your waist, pulling you into him. Finally.

“Well, you came back at just the right time. It hasn’t been the same without you.” You smile and wrap your arms around his neck. His body is warm and solid against you and you wish you would stay like this forever.

“Hasn’t it? I’m nothing special, Ez.” He shakes his head, brushing your hair out of your eyes.

“Correction: you’re everything special.” Your eyes close as you pull him in for a kiss, silencing you both

******

Was this just an excuse to watch one of my favorite movies over and over? Yes. Was this also written because I'm completely lost on what to write next for Northern Lights and I also can't get 70s Ezra out of my head? Also yes. Thanks a million for reading!

Tag List: @castleamc @klara-luise18 @supernaturalgirl20 @december-gal1 @pbeatriz @castleamcc

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[rjalker]

Made with speech to text

If you're scrolling through my free block list tag, you come across someone who is an Adrien stan but you don't know what it means because you're not in the fandom:

Adrian is assist Street white boy who is also a billionaire, and when he is around people who know who he is, he acts like a sweet little quote-unquote cinnamon roll said that they all like him. It only breaks character around people who know who he is just long enough to victim blame them for being happy that their years-long abuser is leaving. You only breaks character long enough to tell people that good people don't fight back against bullies and abusers, they kill them with kindness to set a good example.

Adrian it is supposed to be a superhero. I say supposed to be, because he is super all right, but he is not anywhere close to a hero. The only reason Adrien isn't a villain is because the 45 year old white man writers think that sexual harassment and assault is funny and romantic.

Adrien as a civilian, has to face consequences for his actions. So he always makes sure to put on a mask of caring and kindness and being sweet and innocent and naive.

But when he puts on the superhero mask? No one knows it's him, so he can do whatever he wants without facing any consequences at all. You can't get in trouble if no one knows it's you doing it.

And what Adrien wants to do? Is sexually harass and assault women and punish them for not going on dates with him, by refusing to help her defeat the supervillain until she has been forced to apologize to him.

She sets very clear boundaries, and he violates them at every every opportunity.

He lies to other people about their relationship, and implies pretty heavily that they're having sex,

he calls them a couple both to her face and around other people, despite her telling him since literally started it to stop

He encourages other people's belief that they are dating, despite her protesting every single time and trying to get people to realize that they're just friends

he calls her an infantilizing nickname that she has literally told him to stop calling her since he first said it.

He grabs her hand and refuses to let go even when she makes it clear she wants him to, so that she is literally forced to rip her head out of his grasp

At every opportunity, he tries to kiss her. Either by leaning in when she is literally literally in the middle of fighting a supervillain and attempting to save her civilian parents, or grabbing her by the shoulders and holding her still, or grabbing her hand and kissing it, even though she has made her feelings clear since day one.

After she explicitly, in no uncertain terms, tells him that she is in love with someone else and wants him to stop flirting with her, he makes a big show about accepting this and saying that he's fine with her friendship... With the caveat he revealed later, that he is okay with her friendship... At least until she decides to start dating him.

Despite him saying that he's happy with just being friends, in the very next episode he literally goes straight back to his bullshit and starts harassing her again, and when she reiterates that she is in love with someone else and wants him to stop, he demands to know, "if he weren't here, would things be different between us?" He is literally fucking saying that she should dump her fucking boyfriend and date him instead.

They are supposed to be superhero Partners. They're supposed to be equals. But she has to do literally everything, because he does not give a single shit about helping her or protecting civilians or even defeating the villain. He doesn't give a shit about any of that. The only thing he gives a single fuck about is having fun at the expense of everyone around him, and sexually harassing her in the hopes that if he keeps it up long enough, she will be too fucking tired to keep saying no.

In one episode he's literally and I am not exaggerating is lounging on the fucking ground paint me like one of your French girl style forcing her to defend him from the villain while defending herself and also trying to figure out how to defeat it. He is literally lounging on the ground. And while he's now getting on the ground, he is once again sexually harassing her, because we see her turn her head away from the fight to yell at him about it. His actions here literally lead to them getting their memories wiped by the villain, and while their memories are erased, they come to the conclusion that they are dating and in love, and kiss right before they might get their Memories Back. Someone takes a picture of it, and Adrien knows for a fucking fact that she is going to be devastated and horrified by this news. He doesn't care. He's having the time of his life. He is Overjoyed. He is gleeful. He physically turns her face to look at the photo and then laughs in her face when she is rightfully horrified and disgusted. He then violates all of the boundaries she literally just re-set not even to fucking seconds ago and laughs in her face again when she gets upset.

There's another episode where he gets the ability to travel back in time to fix his mistakes. He is supposed to be helping her to feed the villain, instead he lies to her, abandons his friend, and spends the next fucking few months looping Back In Time by choice I think he said twenty-five thousand times, but that might be too low. He spends at the very least 25,000 attempts not helping her defeat the villain, not doing anything to keep her safe, but sexually harassing her and betraying his friend over and over and over again. He gets her killed at least 25,000 times, probably more, because I feel like the number is bigger than that. All because he refuses to take anything seriously and refuses to admit that he is wrong.

Adrian is a misogynist. He is an abuser. He is racist, considering he's a fucking white boy sexually harassing and assaulting a woman of color. He victim blames, guilt trips, and manipulates. He literally punishes her for not going on a date with him by refusing to help her defeat the supervillain until she has been forced to apologize to him.

If someone is an Adrien stand, that means they defend all of this Behavior listed here and more because I know I'm forgetting a crap ton of it, and usually they do it in the most despicable disgusting ways possible.

If you argue with an Adrien stand long enough, sometimes it only takes 5 fucking seconds, they will start spouting straight up rape apologist. They can't fucking help themselves. Because it is only in a world where rape and misogyny is considered normal and find the any of his behavior can be considered normal and fine.

Adrian Stans say that despite her saying no over and over again, she's still consenting. They say that the spider saying know that despite her turning him down at every opportunity, constantly telling him to stop, she secretly enjoys it and is happy about it. They say that if she really wanted him to stop she would punch him in the face, the fact that she hasn't fought him physically to get him to stop is proof that she is consenting.

They say she's too smart to be a victim, She's too strong to be a victim.

They said that if she really had a problem with it, she would tell him.

She has told him. She has made her feelings clear whether verbally or non-verbally since literally episode 1. Adrian is under no pretense. He knows that she hates what he is doing. He actively and this has been shown multiple times goes out of his way to upset her on purpose. He thinks that her being genuinely upset and angry and sad is funny. Because he is a fucking piece of shit cos straight billionaire white boy who thinks that women, and women of color in particular, are objects that belong to him.

Adrian has never treated her with even a single shred of the most basic kind of respect. Not once.

And the people who defend him? By far and large are adults. Adults who are even older than I am. They know what Adrien is doing. They know what these writers are doing by portraying Adrian's Behavior as good. They know what they are doing by portraying his behavior as good. They know exactly what they are doing. They are grooming children to accept abuse. They romanticize it. They argue that despite her saying no, she is still consenting. They know what they're doing. And it is fucking disgusting. Many of these adults who Stan Adrian also literally draw fucking child porn about these characters, who are 14 years old, including rape fantasies. And these are adults who are even older than I am. They know exactly what they are doing. They are fucking predators, and they pretend that they are. But you cannot be a literal fucking adult and defend rape culture and be a good person. You cannot be an adult and say that despite a girl saying no over and over and over again she actually can sense. That is fucking rape culture. That is rape apologizing. These people know exactly what they are fucking doing.

Especially if you are a minor, block them on site. They are dangerous. They do not have your best interest at heart. No good adult will look at sexual harassment and assalt and rush to assure you that it's fine, because despite saying no she does actually enjoy it.

Adrien stands are misogynists at best, and literal rape apologists at worst. And they are rape apologists more often than not. It is almost impossible to interact with an Adrien stand without them spouting literal rape apologism at some point. I have yet to accomplish it.

Block them, especially if you are a minor.

[5hfanfiction]

Blame It On Bad Luck - Chapter 27

Lauren didn’t know how she survived the end of the semester.

She didn’t know how she made it through all the brutal make up work she had to do, the extra credit assignments she put herself through just to barely pass a class, the final exams and the papers and the never ending stress they all brought with them.

She also didn’t know how she managed to do all of it while battling her addiction for a second time in the span of only two months. She didn’t know how she was even still alive after everything that happened during the semester but she was. She was alive and she got to see her daughter once in a while and things seemed great with her and Camila.

It would have been better—Lauren thought—if after all of that she didn’t end up failing one of her classes again anyway.

She had stared at the screen with a blank expression, reading the letters beside each class over and over hoping that the harder she stared, the longer she stared, maybe it would somehow magically change.

Camila had asked about her grades only twice, once when she received all of hers—naturally getting all A’s, Lauren was proud of her anyway—and another on the morning of Christmas Eve when she finally got hers and told her that she didn’t.

There was no point, really, in lying to Camila about failing. She was more surprised that she managed to not throw her laptop across the heavily decorated apartment at the time or snap at the brunette’s questioning when her answers were short and monotonous.

She remembered squeezing her eyes shut tight, rubbing her temple as she felt a headache coming on after glaring at the screen all morning just to have that F still there, glaring back at her, mocking.

She didn’t know how to broach the subject with her girlfriend. She wasn’t even used to saying that word—girlfriend. Their relationship, though unconventional at first, was still brand new. Everything was brand new to her. And she didn’t want to disappoint her or let her down.

She tried to ignore the nagging familiar feeling of failure still looming overhead, swirling in the pit of her stomach and deep within her chest, making it harder to breathe. She tried to ignore it when she would see Camila’s happy, smiling face blissfully unaware of how hard she was trying to hold herself together.

She swallowed the feeling, the bitter taste it left in her mouth, and pushed it to the back of her mind along with everything else. Opening the door to her apartment she was met right away with the sound of Camila’s laughter. It kind of made it a little easier to put on a happy face.

The brunette didn’t notice her as she walked in, still talking animatedly engrossed in conversation with her best friend on the couch. It wasn’t until she closed the door and set her stuff down on the table that she finally caught her attention.

“Oh look, the most annoying person in the world is here,” Lauren said, casting a glance over towards the living room. “And Dinah.”

“Hey!” Camila yelled indignantly before grabbing one of the throw pillows from the couch and chucking it across the apartment. Lauren ducked out of the way, laughing at her girlfriend’s grumpy face.

“Nice try.”

“You’re an ass.” She folded her arms, slumping back against the arm of the couch with her knees tucked into her chest as she glared at Dinah’s amused face. “Stop encouraging her.”

“Rude. I didn’t even say anything.”

“Yeah, Camz, gosh. Leave her alone,” she called out from the kitchen, opening the fridge to find something to drink. She settled on a bottle of water and chanced a look in her direction, only to find her still glaring at her. “What?”

“Stop being nicer to her than you are to me,” she huffed, causing Lauren to snort in laughter as she took a sip of her water. She wiped her chin with her sleeve and walked over to the two of them.

“I have to be nice to her or else she will quote unquote,” she explained and used air quotes for the rest of her sentence, “Stomp my ass like a cockroach.”

“We all know you love me, Lauser,” Dinah said, blowing a kiss and Lauren jokingly sent a wink her way. Camila raised her eyebrow at the two of them.

“Oh I’m sorry am I getting the way of something?” she asked, watching as the green eyed girl draped herself across Dinah’s lap, one arm hanging loosely around her neck. “Do you two want to be left alone?”

“Yeah, kind of, if you don’t mind,” Lauren replied casually and didn’t have a chance that time to avoid the pillow thrown at her face. “I’m joking!”

“Yeah, please, Lauren wishes she was my type,” Dinah added, shoving the girl off and causing her to land ungracefully on the floor, still laughing.

“I’m everybody’s type.”

“Keep it up and I promise you won’t be mine,” Camila warned, her voice stern but her eyes still slightly playful as Lauren narrowed her eyes at her, challenging. The brunette quirked an eyebrow, watching as she stood back up and leaned over her, planting a rather obnoxious kiss on her cheek. “Ew, get off of me!”

“Wow, rude as hell. Where’s Captain Fatass? At least he appreciates my affection,” she stated dramatically, moving away from the couch and found the large cat lounging in the corner of the apartment near her record player. She went over and picked him up in her arms. “You like me, right?”

“Fine,” Camila said, rolling her eyes with an amused smile. “Have fun playing with your cat by yourself.”

“I will,” Lauren huffed, carrying him over to the kitchen.

“You’re an idiot.”

“You're the idiot. Don’t talk to me or my son ever again.”

She ignored her girlfriend’s laughter and rummaged through the cabinets with one hand, her other arm still supporting the heavy cat against her shoulder. She could hear them resuming their conversation but tuned them out and instead looked for something to eat.

She eventually felt someone tap her shoulder and was so startled she nearly dropped the cat.

“Jesus! Don’t do that shit, Camz.”

“Sorry,” she said with a sheepish smile as Lauren set the cat back down and unwrapped a granola bar. “I just wanted to ask what you were doing tonight.”

“I don’t know. Lucy and them invited me out but I was going to see what you were doing.”

“Oh.”

“Why?”

“Nothing, I was going to ask if you wanted to come out with me and Dinah,” she started. “But if you already have plans it’s okay.”

“I mean…it doesn’t matter, really.”

“No, it’s fine. You hang out with your friends,” she assured her and Lauren bit into the bar, chewing slowly while trying not to get crumbs on the floor.

“It’s just you and Dinah?”

“Well, no…a couple of her friends are going to meet us. And Ariana.”

“Your friend from church?”

“Yeah…” she trailed off, shifting on her feet as she looked down. She wondered what would be the best way to bring it up, unsure of how the green eyed girl would react. “And um…I was going to ask Hailee to come too,” she said, somewhat nervously. She bit her lip, watching her girlfriend’s face. “If that’s okay?”

“What do you mean if that’s okay; do you think I’m not going to let you hang out with your friends or something?”

“I just didn’t want to like, not tell you,” she sighed, a strange tightening feeling in her chest slowly starting to bother her. This wasn’t supposed to be a whole discussion…or argument. She didn’t anticipate the conversation progressing longer than ten seconds. She was just going to tell her, ask her if she wanted to come too, and then go back to Dinah who was still in the living room.

“Okay but there’s a difference between telling me and making it seem like you need my permission. Which you don’t.”

“Wouldn’t it have been insensitive if I didn’t ask if you were okay with it?”

“Why? Because she’s your ex?”

“Well…yeah,” she said like it was obvious. Lauren took another bite of her granola bar and rolled her eyes. “Oh come on, it would be the same if you hang out with like…Keana or someone.”

“I do hang out with her but what does she have to do with anything?”

“Uh, maybe the fact that she has a thing for you?”

“She does not.”

“Lauren, the girl asked you out…and she literally told me she wanted to fuck you.”

“Wait…did she really?”

“Well not in those exact words but pretty much, yeah. It was the night of your party…around Halloween, remember?”

“First of all that wasn’t my fault,” she defended with a mouth full of granola but Camila crossed her arms. “Okay not entirely my fault. And second, she was high as hell that night so if she said some off the wall shit, that’s probably why.”

“Oh, that’s great. That makes me feel a lot better,” she said sarcastically. Lauren was about to comment on her attitude when they were interrupted by a voice calling from the living room.

“Hey, I know y'all are trying to have a private conversation but your apartment is kind of small so like…I’m gonna let you guys have your lovers quarrel in peace,” Dinah said, standing from the couch, sensing their argument wasn’t going to die down any time soon. Camila sighed, exhaling noisily as the blonde approached the kitchen hesitantly. “I’ll see you later, Mila.”

“Okay.”

“Bye Lauren,” she said but the green eyed girl kept her attention on her girlfriend and without another word she left the two of them alone. Once the door closed Camila looked back at Lauren.

“I don’t want to fight with you.”

“We’re not fighting. You’re bringing up stupid things that don’t matter.”

“You don’t need to get so defensive.”

“I’m not being defensive! You literally asked if it was okay for you to hang out with your ex and I said it’s fine. I don’t care.”

“Really? Because you sound annoyed.”

“That’s because you’re being annoying.”

“Are you okay? Like, is something else bugging you because you were fine like five minutes ago and now all of a sudden you’re being an ass.”

“You’re the one who has a problem with me hanging out with my friend just because of one time but you don’t see me giving a shit about you hanging out with someone you actually dated.”

“I never said I had a problem with it. And it's different.”

“How? Don’t you trust me?” she asked before she paused, letting out a breath and shaking her head. “Never mind, don’t answer that. Of course you don’t.”

“That’s not what I said.”

“You didn’t have to,” she muttered, tossing the granola bar wrapper in the trash and moving past Camila out of the kitchen. She grabbed her wrist before she could leave.

“Don’t do that.”

“I’m not doing anything.”

“Yes you are.” Lauren didn’t make a move to try and leave again but she also didn’t bother turning around to face her. She knew she was getting herself worked up and, yeah, she was overreacting a bit but it seemed like everything was stressing her out lately and every little thing got under her skin. “I’m sorry for bringing her up, okay? Now what’s really bothering you?”

“Nothing.”

“Babe…” she tried again, her voice much softer. She could sense something wasn’t quite right but she didn’t want to jump to conclusions or push her too much to talk when she knew it never went well in the past.

“I don’t want to fight either,” she relented, somewhat, but still didn’t look up at her. She shut her eyes tightly, pulling her hand out of Camila’s grasp and she rubbed her forehead. “I’m just going to go up to Lucy’s.”

“Wait, Lauren, you don’t have to leave.”

“No, you’re right. I’m being an ass. I just need to…clear my head or something and I don’t want to lash out at you just because I…” she stopped herself and sighed, moving towards the door where her shoes were. She grabbed her stuff from the table and finally looked up to see Camila still watching her with concerned eyes.

She felt bad, really she did. She didn’t mean to get upset or annoyed so easily, least of all to take it out on Camila of all people. But there was just too much going on in her mind and everything was just building to the point where it was almost suffocating and sometimes it felt like she didn’t really know how to breathe anyway.

“Hey,” she said when she noticed the defeated look on her girlfriend’s face, still standing outside of the kitchen. She walked over to her and held her cheeks, pressing a quick kiss to her lips. “I’m sorry too,” she sighed. “Go have fun with your friends tonight. Be safe. I’ll text you later, okay?” she offered, her voice gentler and eyes softer.

Camila wanted to ask. She knew she pushed her buttons a bit getting defensive about Keana but her reaction seemed so out of left field that she couldn’t help but wonder. Because she knew her better. She just wished it was easier for her to talk to her about what was on her mind.

The last thing she wanted was for her to be stuck in her own head and trapped with her thoughts by herself. It had never done her any good in the past.

“Okay,” she relented, so quietly she wasn’t sure she made any sound at all but Lauren offered a smile, a forced one but it was better than her rolling her eyes and snapping at her like she was two minutes ago, Camila decided. “You be safe too.”

“I will,” she assured her and pulled her in again to kiss her forehead that time. “I’ll see you later, Camz.”

It was hard to ignore, given Lauren’s past. Camila was more than familiar with the other girl’s mood swings. And she knew trying to stay sober was a challenge for anybody and things weren’t going to be okay all the time. She just hoped Lauren wouldn’t give in when things got hard.

Lauren wasn’t too talkative but she did at least keep her word and exchanged a few texts with Camila throughout the night. Part of her didn’t want to bother her or keep her from having fun with her friends and the other part didn’t really know what to say at all.

It wasn’t always easy, going out and being around a bunch of drunk people and trying to remain in control. It wasn’t easy when Lauren already didn’t feel like she was in control to begin with. It wasn’t easy when all she wanted to do was to stop her thoughts from racing, plummeting faster and faster into a dark place.

She didn’t know at what point it happened; she never did, really. Things would always seem okay for a while and then all of a sudden things change. She’d become quieter, more withdrawn, more disconnected from the conversations and from where she was. It’s like a dream, not knowing when or how it even begins or why but it does. And Lauren couldn’t seem to put herself through it.

It was still relatively early by the time she made it back to her empty apartment. She couldn’t tell if it was worse to be out with friends feeling like you’re still completely alone and spiraling or to be actually by yourself and stuck with your own thoughts.

She tried to keep busy with anything she could, finally settling on getting some of her coursework done for the class she was making up. She didn’t know what time it was when the door finally opened. Camila had mentioned she would be heading home soon but said she would text her when she was actually on her way, declining her offer to go and pick her up.

“Lauren?” she asked and right away the green eyed girl could tell her girlfriend was drunk. “Um…can you help me with something?”

“What happened?” She stood from the couch, shutting her laptop off, and looked over at the brunette in the door—slightly disheveled hair and a tear in her jeans. “Oh God, what did you do?”

“Funny story…you see, I may or may not have fallen.”

“Are you okay?” she asked, grabbing her hand and helping her over to sit on the couch. She was limping a bit and she could see some dried blood where her jeans were ripped at the knee. “Where did you fall?”

“Downstairs.”

“Just now?” Camila nodded sheepishly at the amused smiled that spread across Lauren’s face. She laughed and turned to the chubby cat that had come to see what was going on. “No, she was so close, Fatass!”

“Stop,” she whined, hiding her face behind her hands as she leaned to lie back on the couch, her legs draped over Lauren’s lap. “I was so proud of myself too for not falling the whole night.”

“Well you’re wasted, so I’m not surprised.”

“I’m not that-” she started but stopped herself when Lauren stared at her pointedly. “Shut up.”

“Do you want help with your gross ass knee or not?”

“Yes, please baby, I’m sorry.” She pouted, sticking out her bottom lip dramatically and Lauren rolled her eyes. She took a look at the tear in her jeans, inspecting what she could see from the wound.

“Okay come on, let’s get you cleaned up,” she said, pulling her boots off her feet so she could get her jeans off of her. “Lift your giant ass up at least you fucking lush.”

“Hey! Just because I like to enjoy the occasional five or six vodka sodas every once in a while does not mean that—ow!” she yelled when the material of her jeans rubbed the scrape as Lauren pulled them down her legs. Once she was only in her underwear they could both see the damage to the bloodied knee. “Ew.”

“What were you even doing?”

“Walking.”

“Typical.”

“Leave me alone.”

“I mean, okay if you really want me to-”

“I didn’t mean literally! You need to help me. I’m in pain.”

“You’re such a weenie.”

“Lauren, I swear to God…”

“Calm down, I’m just kidding…sort of,” she said, the last part under her breath, giving her thigh a light squeeze as she stood up to go find something to clean her knee with. She returned from the bathroom with a brown bottle, some tissues, and a large band aid. “Okay this is going to sting like a bitch so try not to scream like one.”

“I do not scream like a-” Before she could get the word out she let out a high pitched shriek the moment the liquid touched her open wound.

“What did I just say?” Lauren deadpanned; cleaning the excess blood, making sure the wound was dry before putting the bandage over it. “There, was that so bad?”

“Yes.”

“Well don’t fall next time.” Camila glared at her from the other end of the couch, earning a slight smile from her girlfriend as she leaned down and placed a kiss above her injured knee. “We don’t have any Neosporin or shit like that but I’ll pick some up for you after work tomorrow.”

“Thank you,” she mumbled, still somewhat sheepishly. Her cheeks were warm and flushed, mostly from the alcohol, and Lauren leaned to the side against the couch, staring down at the girl with her head resting against her palm. “What?”

“Nothing. Did you have a good night? You know…before this happened?”

“Mhm,” she nodded lazily, reaching for Lauren’s wrist. “Would’ve been better if you were there.”

“I doubt it. But I’m glad you had fun.”

“We could have more fun here,” she slurred suggestively, tugging on her arm until she was close enough to pull in for a kiss. Lauren closed her eyes the moment she felt the shorter girl’s lips on hers, felt her fingers threading through her hair urging her closer.

She wanted to keep kissing her. She wanted to feel her touch, wanted to feel her everywhere. But Lauren pulled back, still feeling a bit off, while Camila tried to pull her back in.

She thought maybe the brunette’s efforts might work, might entice her to let go and just forget about everything. But she found herself gently pushing her back down once her hand moved up her shirt.

“Camz, come on…”

“What?” she asked in this sort of innocent sounding voice. And it might have been the excessive amount of alcohol she had consumed throughout the night, but she tried kissing her again, tugging at the hem of her shirt, only to be met with the same resistance.

“Camila, seriously, stop,” she tried again, more seriously that time. Camila’s brows furrowed in genuine confusion at her tone.

“What’s wrong?”

“You’re drunk.”

“…And?”

“And I’m tired.”

“You’re really not in the mood?”

“Why is that so fucking hard to believe?” she said a bit more defensively than she had wanted to sound, her voice holding more bite than she intended. Camila blinked up at her with a concerned frown.

“I…was just asking a question. Why do you keep yelling at me today?”

“I’m not yelling.” She shut her eyes in frustration, running her hand through her hair when she realized her volume had actually gone up against her will. “I just don’t want to do this right now.”

“Alright, no one’s forcing you to do anything, Lauren. You’re just being weird is all.”

“I’m not being weird. Look, you’re wasted so everything’s going to end up in an argument.”

“Everything’s going to end up in an argument because you’re making everything into one.”

“Can we please not fucking do this?” she asked, exasperated, as she rubbed her eyes.

“Whatever, Lauren.” Camila turned onto her side, careful to not hurt her knee as Lauren stood from the couch. She didn’t move to meet her eyes as she watched her staring across the room at the blank television screen, still in just her shirt and underwear. Lauren sighed loudly.

“Alright. Well, I’m going to bed. Are you coming?” Her voice was calmer that time, exhausted even, and Camila didn’t bother getting up or even turning her head to look at her. “Are you just going to sleep here on the couch?” When Camila didn’t say anything else Lauren shut her eyes and took a deep breath to calm herself down. “Are you not going to answer me?”

She knew she was getting herself worked up without meaning to. She also knew she was picking stupid fights without meaning to. Her girlfriend was the last person she wanted to have any problems with, especially since she seemed to be the only person who knew how to keep her relatively sane most days.

Camila didn’t want to fight either. But she would have had more logic had she not been drinking. She also wouldn’t have been too tired to get up or have the energy to try talking some sense into the green eyed girl, remind her that things would be okay.

But she stayed silent and Lauren didn’t know what to make of it.

“Fine. Whatever. Goodnight, Camz.”

She turned on her heel, not sparing her a second glance as she shut the lights off and shut the bedroom door behind her with too much force.

When she crawled into their bed alone she felt the emptiness of it almost immediately. She felt it like a weight crushing down on her chest and she dragged her hands over her face, squeezing her eyes shut, felt the corners of them stinging. She grabbed Camila’s pillow and buried her face in it, dampening the material with silent, hot tears.

It took longer than expected to fall asleep. She thought the physical and emotional exhaustion would make it easier but she couldn’t seem to shut her brain off long enough to get some rest. And she was left to lie awake with every nagging thought bothering her until some ungodly hour of the night.

It couldn’t have been morning—the sun wasn’t even up yet and the room was still dark. The handle of the bedroom door turned slowly, as if to be discreet, but it was in vain when Camila—still a bit drunk—came stumbling through the threshold into the pitch black of the room where her girlfriend slept quietly.

She looked around in confusion, having zero recollection of how she even got home or why she was on the couch, reached out to feel for the bed until she pulled the blanket back and crawled in beside Lauren.

She wanted to move in closer, cuddle up to her side, but didn’t want to further risk waking her up. So she sighed in defeat and turned over, facing the opposite way and tried to at least go back to sleep with the newly added comfort.

She hadn’t shut her eyes for a full minute before she felt movement next to her. She kept still, hoping she didn’t actually wake up. Camila held her breath until the moving stopped and only let it out when she felt Lauren turn over and drape her arm across her waist, pulling her into her.

Camila sighed, holding onto her hands on her stomach, pressed back against her sinking further into her warm embrace. Her heart somehow raced and calmed down all in the same breath, feeling content with the delicate brush of lips against the smooth skin of her back just before she shut her eyes and drifted into a much more peaceful sleep than before.

The darkness was still too bright for Camila when she opened her eyes again. She felt a dull throbbing going all the way throughout her head and into the back of her eyes the longer she tried to keep them open and focus but in her disoriented state it was easier said than done.

She turned her head into her pillow and groaned into it.

“Hey…I’m sorry I was trying to be quiet. I wanted to let you sleep.” She heard Lauren’s hushed voice, raspier than usual from the early morning—well, Camila assumed it was early. “You feeling okay? You were pretty trashed last night.”

“I feel…terrible. Everything hurts.”

“Well, you fell…so that’s to be expected,” she informed her, holding back her laugh and instead giving her a sympathetic smile as she crouched down in front of the sleepy girl, messy hair sprawled out over her shoulders and over her bra strap. “Go back to sleep, babe.”

“Did we fight last night?” she asked randomly, ignoring her words and catching the green eyed girl off guard.

“What?” Lauren blinked, not knowing what to make of her question but figured she might not remember much of the previous night. And she didn’t think it was even worth it to relive the details when she was trying desperately to keep her moods in check.

It was a stupid fight. Camila didn’t need to know about it.

“I don’t know. I randomly woke up on the couch and I have no idea how I even got there. How did I even get home?”

“You took a cab. I cleaned up your knee and you fell asleep there,” she told her, looking into her tired but curiously bright eyes, not wanting to disappoint her so early in the day.

“Oh…thank you for taking care of my knee,” she said, frowning adorably and Lauren couldn’t help but smile, shaking her head.

“Any time. Please don’t make a habit out of that though.”

“I can’t make any promises.”

“Fair enough.”

“Sorry if I was annoying last night,” she added, pulling the blanket back up to her shoulders, pressing her cheek and nose into the soft material. And Lauren couldn’t help but think how cute she looked buried in their mess of sheets and blankets.

“You weren’t. Besides, like I’ve never been drunk and annoying?”

“You’re sober and annoying.” Lauren narrowed her eyes but leaned in, brushing her messy hair away from her face and smoothing it behind her ear. Camila’s eyes fluttered closed at the soothing gesture and felt her warm lips press a kiss to her aching forehead.

“So are you. Get some sleep, idiot.” She stood back up and pulled the blanket further up her shoulders and Camila sighed contently but also kind of didn’t want her to leave.

“Lauren?” she called out in a voice that sounded a lot smaller in the silence of the room. But it got the raven haired girl’s attention nevertheless and she turned from where she stood at the door before heading out.

“Yeah?” She watched her girlfriend open her mouth and then close it right after, deep in thought for a second, and then sigh quietly to herself.

“Nothing.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah no, don’t worry. I don’t want you to be late for work.”

“Um…okay then. I’ll see you later, Camz.” She gave her a lingering gaze and an assuring smile before she disappeared out of their bedroom and Camila rolled over in their bed, groaning.

She wished she could remember anything from the night before but came up with nothing beyond vaguely recalling tripping and falling down outside of their apartment. She knew Lauren was acting weird during the day before they both went out but she seemed fine that morning.

But Camila was becoming used to her mood swings all over again.

Things continued like that…sort of.

It was only a week. Lauren tried to avoid any more stupid fights with Camila but she quickly found out that meant avoiding Camila when she felt particularly…off. It wasn’t intentional. But these things never really are planned.

She didn’t know when she would hit a low point or have a bad day; they usually came out of nowhere and then took over for however long and Lauren never really knew when it would end or if it ever would.

She hated the lack of control but she hated fighting with Camila for no reason. So she tried to keep to herself, finding any excuse to stay out of the apartment—working more, studying more, anything to distract her from the constant empty feeling.

“Isn’t that like…kind of hard when you guys live together?” Lucy asked, watching Lauren on her phone screen as she rested her chin in her palm behind the counter at work. She adjusted the angle of her laptop to see the brunette better. “I mean, hasn’t she asked what’s up with you yet?”

“She always asks but lately she’s been…I don’t know; leaving me alone?”

“Isn’t that a good thing?” she asked, quirking an eyebrow. “You keep saying you need space.”

“Not from her. It’s…it’s not like that. And that’s the problem. Like, I don’t know how to fucking explain it so I don’t know what to say to her. And it’s weird.”

“So you…don’t want to break up with her?”

“What? No, of course not. I’m not that stupid.”

“Well…”

“Shut up, Lucy,” she said, a hint of a laugh in her tired tone. She rubbed her eyes and switched the screen back to the assignment she was working on. Lucy watched her friend type something before glancing back up at the camera.

“Homework?”

“You know, nobody fucking told me that winter sessions are fifty thousand times harder than the regular ones.”

“Well it’s an entire semester’s worth of work crammed into like three weeks of class. And online classes are already harder to begin with,” she told her, only hearing a long, dragged out growl, banging her head down on the counter.

“Fuck.”

“Does Camila still not know you’re taking this class again?”

“It never came up.”

“How?”

“I don’t know,” she whined, picking her head back up. “I want to keep my relationship with Camz separate from all the bullshit that’s currently infecting my entire life. Is that so bad?”

“Not really, but like…you might as well tell her. You’re being secretive for no reason. And I got to say…it’s kind of dumb.”

“Shut up. I know it is. I just…I don’t know, Luce, it’s like…things are terrible but then with her…they’re not. Even if it seems like it is because I’m so down all the time.”

“So just fucking tell her that you dumbass.”

“I'm trying.”

“Really? Because it looks like you’re trying to push her away. Which is stupid since you’re saying that’s the opposite of what you want. You know what I think you should do?”

“What?”

“Pull your head out of your ass and just be honest with her.”

“You know…I’m really sick of people telling me to pull my head of out my ass.”

“Well maybe if you pulled your head out of your ass people would stop telling you to pull your head out of your ass. Did you ever think about that, you impossible fucking melon head?” she said sternly causing Lauren to chuckle, leaning back in her chair.

“Go to hell.”

“I don’t know how Camila hasn’t broken up with your annoying ass yet.”

“Honestly? Neither do I.” She shrugged, switching her screen back to her assignment and answering another question. “It’s hard to believe I actually hated her when we met.”

“No it’s not. You’re a bitch.” Lauren laughed again, flipping off the camera while keeping her eyes on the next question.

“A lucky bitch.”

“Not gonna be so lucky if you keep your feelings bottled and don't talk to your damn girlfriend.”

“Shut up, I know okay?” she relented and the moment she said it she heard the door to the record store open, the bell at the top ringing annoyingly. She immediately looked up, not having anyone come in for the majority of the day and smiled despite herself when she saw the familiar brown eyes of the very girl she was thinking about. “Hi babe.”

“Ugh, you’re so gay,” she heard Lucy tease from her still open computer screen and her face dropped, rolling her eyes.

“Who’s that?” Camila asked, walking over to the counter.

“Lucy but I’m hanging up because I hate her.” She heard her friend’s laughter as she exited out of the conversation. “You’re early, aren’t you?”

“Only a little. I was bored. And you’ve been working so much lately I feel like I haven’t actually spent any real time with you in a while,” she told her, leaning in to kiss her lips briefly before taking a seat on the empty stool behind the counter. Lauren bit her lip, feeling guilty at how distant she had been. She tried to come up with some sort of excuse but Camila beat her to it, furrowing her brows as she eyed the open assignment on her laptop screen. “I didn’t know you were taking a winter class.”

“Uh…yeah, it’s just one online one.”

“Didn’t you just take this management class this past semester?” she asked curiously and Lauren sighed, part of her wishing her girlfriend wasn’t so…observant, sometimes. She minimized the window and leaned back in her chair, not meeting Camila’s eyes.

“Yes. And I failed it.”

“Aw, Lauren I’m sorry. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Just wasn’t something I felt like talking about,” she mumbled before feeling a gentle hand on her knee, squeezing it lightly. She looked over and saw Camila offering a supportive smile.

“It’s okay. I’m proud of you for retaking it so quickly. I hear winter sessions are brutal.”

“Is this like some sort of common knowledge that everyone happens to know except for me?” she asked and Camila laughed softly, shaking her head at the green eyed girl. She leaned into her and kissed her cheek when she noticed the pout on her face. “Are you really proud of me?”

“Of course I am. That’s so…weirdly responsible of you.” Her words managed to pull a hint of laughter from the other girl but she could sense she was still beating herself up for failing again. “Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re not the first person in the world to fail a class. College isn’t easy, babe. It happens.”

“I just want to get this shit over with already,” she huffed, saving her assignment progress and shutting her laptop off and put it away in its case.

“I know. And you will. I can help you with the class if you want?” she offered and Lauren leaned her cheek against her hand again, her elbow against the counter as she stared at her girlfriend and smiled softly at her.

“You’re too good to me. Have I ever told you that?”

“Probably, like, a lot.”

“So modest.”

“Hey, you said it, not me.”

“Well I take it back, you bitch,” she joked, gathering her things while Camila watched her with her arms folded across her chest.

“You’re so mean to me.”

“Oh shut up. I’m just kidding. You know I love you.”

The words came out of her mouth before either of them even realized what she was saying. But they seemed to register at the same time, Lauren’s eyes widening as she froze standing behind the stool Camila was sitting in.

“What did you say?” she asked, immediately spinning around to gauge her girlfriend’s reaction, watching her face, watching her eyes as she tried to come up with anything to say, literally anything at all.

“I said shut up. And then I said nothing else after that.”

“Did you…just say you love me?” she asked again, her heart racing so fast, beating so hard she could have sworn she felt it in her throat and her stomach at the same time. Lauren felt her throat go dry under her intense gaze and she glanced down at her bare wrist.

“I…uh…wow, would you look at the time. I got to get going,” she stammered out dumbly but all she was thinking about was getting out of that store, beyond thankful it was the end of her shift anyway.

“You’re not wearing a watch, Lauren!” she called out after the retreating girl but she continued making her hasty exit.

“I’ll see you at home, Camz!” she yelled over her shoulder before shutting the door behind her. Camila blinked at the empty chair beside her before pulling her phone out and sending a text to her idiot girlfriend.

[Camila]: did you seriously just run away from me

[Lauren]: new phone who dis

[Camila]: Lauren…

[Lauren]: I don’t know her

Camila rolled her eyes and tossed her phone onto the counter in defeat, knowing good and well she wasn’t going to get anywhere with her until she got back home.

The rest of the night dragged for the brunette and she found herself driving to the apartment a little faster than normal, wanting to talk to Lauren but also hoping that she was even there in the first place. Knowing her she would probably do something stupid like stay at Ally’s hoping Camila would just eventually forget all about it.

When she opened the door to their apartment she was relieved to find the girl lying on her back on the couch but confused to see her blankly staring at the ceiling with nothing but her record player playing One by Metallica through the speakers.

“Well…this is super depressing,” Camila said, startling the other girl a little bit but broke her out of her trance and she finally looked over to find the brunette walking towards the record player.

“It’s not that depressing,” she argued and Camila opened her mouth but was cut off by loud guitar.

Hold my breath as I wish for death, oh please God wake me.

“Okay, now it’s depressing,” she conceded, looking back up at the ceiling while Camila went over to shut the music off.

“Are you drunk?” she asked when she noticed the bottle of wine on the coffee table and the half empty glass beside it.

“No, that’s only my second one. I just needed to…relax…a bit.”

“You okay?” She tapped her shoulder as she moved to the couch, hinting for her to lift her head so she could sit.

Lauren settled back down resting against her lap, looking up at the brunette and her patient eyes. She reached up and touched the side of her face, tracing her jawline and couldn’t help but smile.

“I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m sure,” she nodded, feeling a little better with the slight warmth of the alcohol swirling around in her chest and the slight warmth of Camila beside her. She felt her heart hammering, rattling every bone in her body but felt calmer, less panicked, and completely safe.

“Okay, well I’m glad you’re not being a weirdo anymore.”

“Sorry, I just…surprised myself when I said that.”

Silence fell between them and Camila knew the question she wanted to ask, the question she had been waiting to ask since Lauren had let those three words slip back at the record store earlier. She just wasn’t sure what the answer would be.

“Did you mean it?”

The words hung in the air, anticipating, and Lauren licked her lips still tasting the sweetness of the wine still lingering on them. She looked up at Camila, still watching, still patient, and exhaled through her nose, her heart in her throat.

“Yeah…I meant it.”

She shut her eyes, trying to get a hold of her thoughts, tried to figure out the words to say, tried to come up with anything worthwhile to say to her. Because it was Camila. And Camila deserved more than simple and normal. Camila wasn’t normal. Camila was extraordinary.

“I don’t know how to explain it,” she attempted, her brows furrowing a bit as she stared at her hands in her lap, Camila’s fingers running gently through her hair as she listened. “And I didn’t think I was even capable of feeling it. This is all really fucking new for me. And I’m trying not to mess it up. And I’m trying to be better at this.”

“Better at what?”

“Just…everything.” She sighed, looking up at her girlfriend still playing with her dark locks and felt calmer once again under her gaze. “I like to think there’s some version of reality where I’m better for you—not so toxic, you know?”

“You’re not toxic, Lauren.”

“I don’t want to be this person that pushes people away, not the ones I care about. And I know I’ve been so weird lately but I’m trying. I promise I’m trying.”

“I know you are, babe. It’s really okay.”

“You’re so…I don’t even know how to tell you. Ugh, I’m sorry. I told you I’m not good at the whole…words…thing.”

“I don’t need you to be poetic, Lauren. Just honest.”

“Your ass is outstanding,” she replied almost immediately, earning a loud laugh and a light shove from the brunette.

“Idiot.”

“No but seriously. I know I freaked out earlier but…I’ve been thinking about it all week. I know it doesn’t seem like it because of how moody and bitchy I’ve been but like…I really do love you, Camz. I do. This has never happened to me before and it kind of scares the shit out of me. But you make things less…crazy, for me. I couldn’t stand you when I met you and now I can’t imagine not knowing you, not coming home to you. And you’re such a beautiful place to come home to.”

It was an instance of clarity, a moment of pure and simple honesty that Lauren wasn’t used to and Camila wasn’t expecting at all. She blinked down at her; perhaps she would wake up somewhere and none of the past few months would have been real at all, perhaps Lauren wasn’t real at all.

She stared down at the girl with her head in her lap, stared at her impossibly green eyes, bright and hopeful and vulnerable with raw and genuine emotion. And she felt every last one of them in her body, in her blood, in every nerve ending, in every bone. Lauren was in her veins, chaotic and real and so full of love she could barely catch her breath.

“Please say something.” Lauren’s voice was small, unlike everything she felt for her. Lauren’s feelings were everywhere, all-encompassing and all consuming, too vast to possibly contain. And Camila was at a loss for words. Because this was unlike anything she had ever felt before either.

“I love you too.”

It took a moment. The words didn’t sink in fully and Lauren thought she might have just imagined it, might have heard her wrong. But Camila was looking down at her with her stupid pretty peanut butter cup brown eyes, smiling like she’d never been hurt before in her life, never had anyone treat her as anything other than extraordinary.

“Really?”

Because she needed the reassurance. She needed to know she wasn’t making this up, that someone like Camila really could love someone like her. She needed to know that there were good things in the world that could actually happen to her even if she felt she didn’t deserve them.

But Camila was right there. She was there and she was beautiful and she loved her and Lauren couldn’t stop smiling.

She leaned down instead of answering her, cupped her cheek and brought their lips together in a searing kiss. Lauren tried to lift herself to sit upright to kiss her properly and immediately grabbed her face and pulled her back into her, kissing her harder than she ever had.

Lauren tried to push them both back against the couch, overwhelmed with the way Camila was holding her, the way she was kissing her, the way she was in love with her. And she kissed her with an urgency and fire she didn’t think she was capable of feeling for anybody, a rush of emotions she hadn’t felt and never wanted to stop feeling.

Camila pushed back against her, flipping them around to straddle her waist. Lauren looked up at her, lips red and wet and slightly swollen and felt her heart beating so hard she didn’t think it was possible it would ever calm down again. And she would have been completely okay with it.

Her hands trembled as they reached for her waist, thumbing the hem of her T-shirt and glancing up at Camila’s flushed cheeks and messy hair falling over her face and shoulders. Camila grabbed the material herself and pulled it over her head, tossing it aside before leaning down and connecting their lips again.

Their kisses became fervent, hungrier, lips eager to taste more, to feel more, every inch. Camila moved her hands to Lauren’s sides underneath her top, feeling her warm skin under her fingertips and urged her to sit up to remove it as well.

Her lips trailed down the length of her neck, down her chest, over her breasts, fingers fumbling with buttons and zippers, before Lauren grabbed her face and pulled her back up, needing to kiss her more than she needed to breathe. Camila tugged her jeans down, felt her hands glide down her thighs, felt her skin burn and her breath catch at how unbelievably beautiful Lauren was.

She moved back up, kissing her lips, moving her hips and pressing impossibly closer into her until she felt like their bodies were fused together. She touched her stomach, dragged her hand lower, lower, felt the material of her underwear, felt the heat coming off of her body, felt the need and the undeniable want.

She felt it in her own body as well when she heard Lauren moan softly at her touch. She felt every emotion manifest itself into physical euphoria with every touch, every kiss, every beautiful noise Lauren made, holding onto her, urging her, and she’d never felt more content, never felt so certain.

It scared her, how much she felt for Lauren in such a short time. She didn’t see it coming but she didn’t think she had any say in it either. She didn’t think she had any power against it the whole time.

But it was okay. It was okay because it was Lauren.

She was there for her, she cared about her. Lauren cared about her. Lauren loved her. Lauren wanted her. She was enough for her. She was enough. She was enough.

*    *    *    *

hey so…i’m not dead.

this isn’t the last chapter although the story is pretty close to ending. i’m gonna try to stick it out and finish it despite being heavily unmotivated. it’ll most likely be a slow process. i apologize but i’m trying to put my mental health first for a change instead of putting it on the backburner like always so writing isn’t my priority. i will try to finish it though, so thank you for sticking with both the story and with me while i figure things out.

and thank you for reading, i can’t believe this story is almost at 400k reads on wattpad. that’s bananas and it means a lot.

anyways, take care of yourselves and be nice to each other

-lex