#You guys think you're so progressive but you're just in a woke version of not like other girls

[antiyourwokehomophobia2]

Man, this pisses me off so bad. If you're a woman who relates more to males than other women, it's because you've decided to focus more on how you're different from other women rather than how you're like them. You will literally never have more in common with males, and males do not feel the same way about you. These cute little posts that you write about how you love males more than your fellow women? They do not write the same thing about you. They hate and mock you constantly. Anyone remember "Cis women need to shut up"

"As a cis woman, I agree"

"You need to shut up, specifically"

?

Yea, that's how they feel about you and your solidarity.

The difference between lesbians and trans women in female spaces is the fact that lesbians do not have high rates of violence. There is no group of women that outclass men in terms of violent tendencies. Trans women retain the rates of male violence that regular men do. I'm not saying you have to treat trans women like they're all violent beasts, but if you can't see why female people would be uncomfortable with male people in their spaces, you're either naive or genuinely unsympathetic towards the very real fear that women have of being subjected to male violence. You can't say trans women and lesbians are similar because, unlike males, there is no statistical evidence that lesbians are highly likely to take advantage of a woman. If it turned out that 98% of rapes were committed by lesbians, I would 1000% understand why straight women don't fucking want to be around me. Have some fucking empathy, holy fucking shit. Even if you are completely on board with trans women being in female spaces, at LEAST acknowledge that it makes sense for women to be concerned about who is allowed in their spaces. It's crazy how I could tell someone I have a fear of dogs because one bit me when I was a kid, and they'd put their sweet pooch up, but God forbid a woman be cautious around a demographic who commit 90% of all violent crime. Oh no. That woman is suddenly a terf bitch.

I have nothing in common with trans women. I don't care how much pain they have experienced. We are not the same. When I was twelve, I cried and I cried as I put my palms together to pray to a God I hoped would be able to take away my homosexuality. I didn't even grow up in a particularly homophobic family. Both of my parents were accepting of me, but I still sat in the dark of my room, tears streaming down my face, as I prayed to have my sexuality changed.

Two years later, one of my friends made a joke about me dressing to impress my crush. She said my crushes name---a feminine name. A girl sitting in earshot heard her, turned to me, and asked me with disgust if I was gay. I said no without even thinking about it. It absolutely did not help that we were in a locker room with other girls. I was aware of my sexuality by that point, but I was 14 and unable to hold my own against a girl looking at me like THAT. For a few weeks after that, that girl made comments about how she was "watching me".

I know pain, I know discomfort, I know what it's like to feel predatory. Seeing feminine women, especially if they're white, makes me feel like an alien. I look at them and think "how are we so different? I see none of myself in you."

Sometimes I'm right. Sometimes we're not similar at all. But guess what? That doesn't mean I'm similar to a straight male. Fucking hell, sometimes I'm not similar to other lesbians. That's completely normal. I think OP needs to read better work by cishet women. If you think that there is not a single piece of cishet female writing that can move you more than something written by a male, you're not looking in the right places at all. I don't understand why some LB women seem to think that the very act of someone being a straight woman makes them incapable of relatability. Of course it makes sense for you to be cautious. Lesbians deal with a lot of alienation and predatory feelings, but if the very ACT of a woman being cis and straight makes you feel like she has absolutely nothing in common with you...? The issue lies with you. YOU are the one othering THEM. Not the other way around. You're the one who has decided that a few cis straight women othering you means that they ALL will so you'd better beat them to the punch. You're the one who has decided that your relationship to womanhood is so astronomically different from straight women that nothing they say speaks to you. That's INSANE. Do you realize how much you have to alienate yourself from womanhood to feel more relatability with a male person than a female one? Idk how to tell you this, but it is highly probable that the most cis, most het woman you have ever met has had a period. It's highly likely she's been harassed by a man. It's highly likely she's been made to feel inferior by way of being born female. No, they can't relate to the experience of being a lesbian who is made to feel predatory for no reason, but to say that nothing a cis het woman says/experiences can move you at all? Nothing they say can make you feel like your experience with womanhood and hers are similar? Do you realize how you sound? "Trans women have been harassed by men and made to feel inferior, too!!" Okay! So you should be able to relate to cis women in the way you do trans women, right?

I told my discord server that I was nervous about my future roommates. I showed them photos and someone said "all this tells me is that they're feminine and white" and I literally think about that all of the time. I was projecting. I was so scared that these white, feminine, probably straight women were going to judge me for being a black lesbian that I didn't even realize that I was the one violently judging them based off of nothing but their skin color and their femininity. I knew nothing about them. I STILL know nothing about them. I've barely spoken to them. But already I had labeled them as unrelatable judgemental women because of how they looked. Hold on. Wasn't I the one afraid of them judging ME? How could I be so afraid of them judging me for being a black lesbian when I was the one judging them already? What sense does that make?

You guys are so busy writing off cis straight women as unrelatable bigots that you've failed to see that you're the one who is extremely prejudiced against them. And I absolutely fucking know someone is gonna read this and say "well, you can't say that all trans women have male violence patterns and dahdahdahdah" and it's like. But YOU can say that cis straight women are so unbelievably different from lesbian women that you'd rather say you're more similar to a straight up fucking male???

I'm not saying it's not a little jarring to see women who are so different from me. I'm not saying I haven't been burned before and there's no reason for me (or other lesbians) to be cautious. But I will literally ALWAYS have more in common with cishet women than I ever will a man pretending to be a woman.

One time I had a professor. She was on the older side (I'd say 40's) and white. Not the type of person I'd think I'd click well with. She was straight and married with children. One day we talked after class, and the only thing that ended our conversation was the fact she had an event she had to go to. We would've talked longer if not for that. She emailed me a little while later to tell me that she enjoyed our chat. After that, she actually hugged me on two occasions. You wouldn't think we'd have common ground. An older, straight, married white mother and a young black lesbian. Both of us are "cis" but I can tell you I relate to her much better than I ever could someone born male.

I once had a personal trainer who was a feminine woman. She had acrylic nails and everything. One time she said that she couldn't hug her male friends anymore because she had a boyfriend (he wasn't the one enforcing that rule. That was something she personally felt). Also not someone I thought I'd click well with. But we did. One time we had a really productive discussion that was actually derived from the conversation with my professor. I felt very close to her in that moment. Our conversation came to a close because she had another client, but I still think about that convo.

There have been so many fucking times where I thought "this woman is not like me. Look at her." But what I realized was that I was the judgmental one. I was the one deciding we were different, not her. I was the one writing her off. I was the one convinced we had nothing in common.

I am BEGGING you not to alienate your fellow women. There are no inherent traits that make you unable to relate to other women. No amount of whiteness or cisness or straightness can make a woman completely unreachable. I am NOT talking about political parties or views so don't fucking try me with that shit. Obviously that puts a wedge between people, but someone simply being born cis and het does not make them alien from you. For God's sake, look at the fucking MeToo movement. Women from all fucking backgrounds who share an experience that an unfortunate amount of women go through. Women from all different races, sexualities, etc. who came together to talk about how they've been subjected to sexual violence. Ellen degeneres was one of them. How does that fit into your "lesbians and cishet women cannot relate to each other" spiel?

OP's post has 130k notes and it makes me fucking sick. Holy crap y'all, we need more solidarity than this. Other women are not your enemy. I'm begging you to reconsider your approach to women who are different than you. You are missing out on people who can love and support you in a way that literally no male can. You are depriving yourself. Just because a few cishet women in the past alienated you, does not mean that you have to continue their legacy. Let it go. Everyone on earth can see you embracing your hatred of women, and you wonder why your fellow women never hug you? They fucking can't! Put your hatred down and make space for the love that comes with realizing that you absolutely are like other girls!

[apomaro-mellow]

some time travel shenanigans

Eddie thought the hardest part about time travel would be convincing everyone of that fact. Turned out he didn't need to do much convincing. Perhaps that was due in part to the fact that he was only from a few years ahead and thus didn't look too different from the version of himself lying comatose in the hospital.

His hair was just a bit longer and he had a beard now. But everything else was about the same.

No, the real struggle was holding back certain truths of the future. Of course, many of them had questions and the more logical ones reasoned that they shouldn't know anything unless absolutely necessary. So thankfully Eddie was spared from a constant barrage of questions. But even that wasn't the hard part.

The biggest challenge, the most difficult part of being here, was having to pretend that he wasn't head over heels in love with Steve.

To have to watch him from across the room and not be able to kiss, him, to embrace him, not even being able to hold his hand. And it cut him every time their gazes met. There was a question in Steve's eyes that he longed to answer.

The first night he spent in the past, Eddie could only think of his Stevie. How easily he'd been allowed to touch him in his own time. But he couldn't now. He had to wait. In a few days his younger self would wake up and the near-death experience would give him the guts to tell Steve that he was gay.

And then a few days after that, he'd reveal that he had a crush on someone. And then about a week after that, he would find Steve about to kiss another man and find the nerve to cut in between and confess.

Now that Eddie thought about it, he guessed he had to thank the guy who tried putting the moves on Steve. Having his feelings out in the open had made him feel more confident, stronger. And that passion helped aid in defeating Vecna's second coming. Eddie almost wished he knew who the guy was.

--------------------

Everything had been going just as Eddie remembered it. The Harrington house had become the base of operations, even when Steve's parents returned. The military set up too and while they helped stem the demodog population, they did very little to help with Vecna.

His younger self woke up, injuries healed thanks to the bat venom now coursing through his veins. His return came with a message from Vecna. One that was a riddle that Eddie already knew the answer to.

"I can tell you what he's planning and how to counter. But some of you won't like it."

"Um, hey, who the fuck are you?"

Both Eddies stared each other down and it was so quiet you could hear a cotton ball drop.

"Who was supposed to tell present-Eddie about future-Eddie?", Robin asked.

"I'm sorry, who!?", Eddie exclaimed.

"You from the future, try to keep up", Dustin said.

Eddie's eyes were glued to his so called future self. And then only tore away when he caught a movement on the side. Steve shifting his balance. Steve.

"Okay, if you are me from the future, I have some questions."

"Most of which I can't answer. Especially that one."

"So you're useless then."

"Give him a break", Steve said, coming to the older man's defense. "If he told us everything that'd mess with the whole space-time whatever."

"Continuum", about three voices said for him.

"Yeah the whatever."

"...How long has he been here?", Eddie asked, wondering just what his future self, someone who seemed more bold and comfortable in his body, got up to with Steve.

Older Eddie just shook his head and chuckled in a way that reminded him too much of Wayne. "I haven't been here long enough for what you're imagining."

And then things progressed just as he knew they would. He knew his younger self was about to go and tell Steve about his crush. He could recall it happening during a supply run and even remembered that Steve had been wearing a camo jacket with a soft blue shirt underneath.

Seeing them get closer just made him long more for his own Stevie. Was he thinking of him now? Sometimes Eddie met the gaze of Steve from now and wondered if he could see the future they had together.

---------------

Steve knew the other Eddie was hiding something. At first he thought it might be how the venom was effecting Eddie's body. But once present-Eddie woke up, that had been made apparent and he was still acting weird. Steve didn't think it was malicious anymore. But it was definitely something.

Sometimes he caught the other man staring at him. Other times they had to hand things to one another and his touch lingered, like he wanted to touch Steve more. Steve knew yearning when he saw it. He just didn't understand why it was being directed towards him.

He got an opportunity to seek out answers one night. A lot of people were housed at the gym as a shelter after the quakes. But life was more dangerous now and that meant a lot of patrols in a lot of areas. So when someone reported odd noises outside, Steve, future-Eddie, present-Eddie, and a few well armed citizens went to check it out. It was about half a dozen of them in total and they broke off into groups.

Nancy's group was the one to find the thing, kill it, and radio in that everyone should get back inside before it got too late. Steve grabbed older Eddie's wrist, stopping from following orders. They were alone now, having split from the group. There was no better time than now.

"You keep acting weird. Especially around me", Steve said.

"Well someone thinks they're special", Eddie grinned.

There was just a sole light on this corner of the building and it mostly shone on Steve, which was fine by Eddie. He was having a hard time schooling his expressions now that they were alone.

"Something happens to me in the future, doesn't it? Do I die? Is that it?"

"No, no Steve you don't die", Eddie assured him.

"It's not just the way you act. You say my name weird too. Do you really hate it that much? Hate me?"

"No", Eddie bit out, turning his body half away.

"I thought we were really becoming friends. You-he's told me things. Secret things. But the way you're acting now it's like things change between us. I wanna know why. Is it me? Did I do something?"

Eddie heard his voice hitch up and then clear and knew that was how his baby sounded when he wanted to cry but held himself back.

"Stevie, sweetheart, baby", Eddie breathed out and held his face and it felt like a weight lifted from him. Calling him just 'Steve' had felt like walking with dumbbells attached to his ankles.

Steve's shoulders relaxed too, like he had also been carrying a weight. "That's what you call me, then? All that?"

"All that and more, my love." Eddie's voice was hushed, afraid someone or something might overhear.

"So that crush Eddie told me about is...?"

Eddie nodded, eyes closing for a moment, glad that he could at least have this about being apart for so long.

"Then you know how I feel", Steve said.

Eddie's eyes opened and he looked into Steve's. There was that question. One that Eddie longed to answer but he feared it wasn't his to reply to. Not at this time. Not now. And yet....

"Please", Steve whispered, eyes flickering to his lips.

Eddie wasn't strong enough to deny him. Not as a dying man in a drought being offered a drink of water. Just as he was about to give him, he was shoved back. Hard. He saw his own familiar curls and bolted, and odd sense of deja vu hitting him just as hard as the shove.

"Steve!", present-Eddie unknowingly took his older self's place in front of Steve. "I have to tell you something. Something really important and I need you to listen, okay?"

"Eddie?"

"I'm a goddamn idiot. An absolute fool for you and it shouldn't have taken some other guy trying to kiss you for me to get the gumption to tell you but it did and there it is and I...and I..." His expression pinched. "Wait, who was that guy?", he turned slightly to look for him.

Steve touched his cheek and brought his attention back. "It was...it doesn't matter who it was. You're here now."

-----------------------

When Eddie next opened his eyes, it was immediately followed by his Stevie kissing him all over the face. Everything came back to him, as well as new pieces of information.

"Wait, so that guy who was putting the moves on you that night-"

"Was you, yes", Steve confirmed, face splitting with how big he was smiling.

"And you just sat on that for years? Wait, how does that even work, you knew it was me but it couldn't be me until I got back to do the time travel and-"

"Don't think too hard about it, babe", Steve kissed his temple. "Just be grateful something gave you the kick in the pants to do it."

[lilyfraci]

Merman Kokushibou x Fem! Reader (PART 2)

PART2 IS HERE👑

You can't feel anything and you felt like you were floating on clouds 9. Blood drooling down to your temple. What happened? Where are the sailors? Are they okay? Where are they? Is max okay?

I dont remember…

"Don't forget me… And I won't forget you either… "

Huh? A voice? It sounds so different but i know its clearly a guy type. Who is it? It sounds like a melody to my ears.

You tried to process everything even in this unconscious state, trying to connect all of your cells back together.

"I would forever stare into your enchanting eyes… So beautiful.. Just like you… "

This is so heavenly to listen such a soft song, but am i dreaming? If not… Then who is it?

You feel yourself finally getting consciousness as you groaned a little, alerting the person who was singing. You pry yur eyes open slowly but your vision are still blurry and your head starts to get a headache making you even groan louder and louder by any seconds.

Suddenly you hear someone screaming, its man's voice and you recognize it. It was the knights and to mention, you hear a loud splash.

"She's alive! The princess is alive! Alert the king!"

👑

"I got myself weak again. " "… " "I wanna be yours, and you'll be mine. "

👑

Everything was going smoothly, birds singing and a sun was pretty bright outside making the flowers bloom beautifully. An unconscious princess was laying down to her bed, comfortably and peacefully.

You woke up with a headache and a bandage on your head. The sunlight illuminate the room brightly making you squint your eyes and groan in tiredness. Yur body felt weak and a little bit of in pain.

"W-what happened..?" You groaned before rubbing the temple of your head.

You hear your door slowly opening as you turn your head to it and saw your dad peeking his head and was shocked to see you fully awake as he immediately rushes at you with a grateful and a guilt expression and held both of your hands.

"My daughter!! You're awake! Dear god… Thank you! Im glad that you made it out alive.. " He spoke with such happiness and tears running down to his cheeks before looking down.

"I'm so sorry, my daughter… I'm so sorry that this happened to you because of me! If this stupid of mine didn't existed then you would be fine and good! I felt so bad for what you've gone through… "

He looked down as he sobs quietly, trying to gulp down his breakdown.

Your face went soft as you smiled before putting a hand on your father's head and patting it.

"I'm fine dad…. And i already forgave you, please don't ever feel ashamed of it." You said gracefully.

And that, both you and your father hugged, enjoying this moment together.

👑

The ocean was always so beautiful and bright, as if it was a second version of heaven. But deep inside, there was dark and evil under it and it's true,

The ocean can be both good and bad.

. . .

"You know… That human will never ever loved you back! Just look at yourself!"

"Shut your mouth, ugly eyes. You're annoying me. "

"Awhh!! Why are you both always so cold and mean to-"

"That doesn't matter to you, if i loved her then do not interfere because you're not apart of this."

"Oh… Is that so? Besides… Don't you think humans are all the same? Imagine if she sees your eyes! Would she be terrified?"

"Ugh, im leaving. This is just a waste of time. "

HII!! IM BACK! SORRY IF THIS WAS SHORT BUT TRUST ME, I'LL WORK EVEN MORE FASTER AND HARDER FOR YOU GUYS!!

PART 3 is in progress 👑

[zvtara-was-never-canon]

You know what's a Zutara argument that baffles me super hard?Saying it's less heteronormative than Kataang.Sure,Kataang has a few problems in it's writing but at least it has a strong friendship to build up their feelings and a lot of sweet moments that make you root for them and it has a brown skinned woc being adored and respected by her love interest who is a poc too!Meanwhile,Katara deadass hated Zuko except for like the last 3 episodes but the fandom just expects her to like him because he's a hot guy who's older than her.Plus if anything,the proper solution to the Kataang thing would be to ship Katara with her girl friends like Toph,not pair her up with the closest guy around

The whole discussion of "is this ship heteronormative" is pointless. People don't fall in love with someone because it would be "woke" to date them, and people shouldn't ship things just because it would be "woke."

Yes, Aang and Katara can related to each other's experience with grief and oppression, and that does have a big thematic importance in the show since "war is terrible" is the whole message, but they'd still be friends and fall in love without that.

Seriously, I really want to take away the word "heteronormative" from the internet. Just like "problematic", it had a meaning, and now it's pure bullshit.

I've seen people call gay couples heteronormative because one person is "feminine" and the other is "masculine", and they seriously think that shit is progressive instead just a new version of the old homophobic question of "Okay, but who is the man and who is the woman in the relationship?"

Aang is the protagonist, Katara is his best friend. Them getting together is just the writers following a popular trope, not a form of discrimination, and it's time Zutarians stop acting like "My fanon ship never became canon" is the same "I am being oppressed."

They ALWAYS pull that shit. "Oh, if you don't ship Zutara you hate women! This is the ship I first wrote fanfic about when I was a teenage girl, so that means it is the feminist ship and EVERY woman likes it! Not liking it also means you support abusive relationships! Nevermind that fiction is not the same as reality AND that Kataang and Maiko are not abusive! You're also racist because you don't want the interacial couple to get together! Please ignore that Kataang is also an interracial relationship!"

People can ship whatever they want, but they gotta stop pretending they're ending homophobia, sexism and god knows what else just because they don't like the main pairing for a show. Shipping is not activism.

[definitelynotgideon]

This is a Genya Shinazugawa x OC (Gideon Azulyss) MLM Fic 🏳️‍🌈

AN/ I feel like this took me a hot minute to write and I'm so sorry. Evening projects/events for work are in full force after spring break. RIP.

CW/ Strong Language, Suggestive language

Word Count : 1,234

The Demons We Face | Chapter 7, Trust

The two boys calmed enough to actually nap, resting up until the smell of food roused them. Genya woke up first, his taste buds reveling from the scents from the kitchen area. When he looked over to Gideon, the was still lightly sleeping. 

This boy was going to miss out on so many meals. What did he even do before today, just not think of eating? 

Couldn't be Genya. He enjoyed good food. 

Still, he didn't want the silver haired boy to miss out on nourishment. Little adorable dork would pass out in battle if he didn't eat well. Not on Genya's watch. He crawled out of his bed and crept over to kneel by Gideon's head. 

“Gideon.”

Nothing. He was more asleep than Genya thought. He leaned over his head and poked his cheek. Nope.

His face changed though, his brows furrowed in his sleep and he groaned. Progress?

“Gideon wake up, there's food for us.” 

“...thanks mom~” he said softly in his sleep. 

“I'm not your mom. Gideon. Wake uhhhpp…” 

“...Dad?”

“Ew, no. Not that guy.” 

Gideon groaned and pulled the covers over his face. 

“Don't make me marry this girl.” 

Genya looked to the little lump of blanket on the floor. Was he having a bad dream? Was he dreaming about his dad?

If that was the case he'd need to try harder to wake him up. He shook his shoulder but Gideon just groaned more. “Wake up!” 

He stopped shaking his shoulder to see if he'd made any progress, and he'd successfully woken up the boy. Squinty green eyes meet him as he untucked his face from blankets and he blinks, rubbing his eyes. 

“Genya…” he groaned softly. “I'm still so sleepy.”

“But food is almost done. We need to eat.” 

“...Stay with me a few moments… please.” 

He did have a bad dream. It wasn't anything out of the ordinary for him, and it didn't get too terribly involved. He'd had worse dreams. But as Genya had roused him from sleep he was so relieved that he wasn't the younger version of himself again. 

His eyes were tired, masking a vulnerability that he'd subtly opened up to Genya with. The taller boy searched his gaze for a moment. He'd caught the tone of his voice and sensed pain. So he nodded softly. 

“Okay. Hang on.”

He carefully got to his feet and went over to grab his futon, scooting it closer to Gideon's. He crawled back into his covers, looking to his companion. Gideon had turned over and watched him move, looking like he could possibly cry. He wasn't expecting this much.

“...Do you want to talk about it?” 

Gideon blinks, averting his eyes. “It's… not anything you don't already know. Just a bad memory I think. Sorry I'm… being a bit of a baby about it-”

“You don't need to apologize.”

The gods knew that Genya had experienced plenty of the same. He would have wanted someone to sit with him for reassurance. A little while back, someone did sit with him and continued to be supportive when he really didn't have to be. One act of love had helped Genya immensely.

Gideon had given him his trust, and so he wanted to hold it gently. He didn't know a ton about this boy still. What if he didn't have anyone to lean on like Genya had Gyomei?

“I'm here. Whenever you're ready. We can talk or we can get up and eat. I won't leave without you.”

Gideon couldn't help the tears that fell, but he wiped them roughly on his blanket. “You're like. So nice to me. Thank you.”

“You're thanking me for being nice to you?”

Gideon smirked a little. “Well you could choose to be an asshole, so.”

Genya huffed a small laugh. “Fair enough. I just don't think I have it in me to be mean to you.” 

“Why's that? Did I not annoy you enough today?” 

“Nope. You failed.”

Gideon smiled. “Well fuck. Guess I've got to try harder then.” 

Genya reached over and playfully shoved his shoulder. “Two can play your game. What if I annoy you first?”

Gideon gasped. “You wouldn't dare.” 

“Oh, but I would. I had younger siblings. I perfected the art.”

“No!” Gideon giggles, hiding himself a bit more under his blanket. 

Genya grins at him. “Oh wow, your bed actually looks much more comfortable all of a sudden!”

“EEEEEK, GENYA! THAT'S SO FORWARD-”

Genya hardly hears his squealing words, he just flops on top of him. “So comfy~” 

“GENYA YOU FUCKING YAKUSUGI YOUR BODY IS CRUSHING ME!!” 

Genya gut-laughs on top of him. “What did you just call me?!”

“GIANT ASS TREE! DO YOU RAISE BONSAIS TO FEEL INCREDIBLY LARGE NEXT TO SOMETHING?! HUH??” 

Genya laughs into the blanket under him, just over Gideons shoulder. “I don't need to do that to feel large~” 

“EEEEEK!!”

Gideon struggles under him, blushing deeply at everything happening. That statement, feeling his weight and his warm breath… it was too much, maybe he'd just die here like this. Genya was going to give him a heart attack, he was convinced. 

He hid his very flustered face in his hands and stopped struggling. He could feel the heat coming off of his blushing cheeks. 

Genya gently rolled off of him, sensing that the joke had gone on long enough. “Did I win?~” 

Gideon didn't answer but peered up at him from his hands. Even his ears were red. 

Genya smiled, knowing he hadn't annoyed him necessarily but this result was somehow better. “Cute~” he teased, standing up and looking down to him. “C'mon. I'm hungry. Get up or imma carry you in there like a hunted deer.”

Gideon huffs, shuffling himself to kneel and about to stand up by himself, but Genya offered him a hand for help. He took it, and the boy tugged him up with ease. Genya smirked to him before leading the way out of the room, proud of himself. 

Gideon followed slower, still flustered out of his poor little mind. The tables had turned. The flusterer was now the fluster-ee. 

They're served dinner, Gideon shyly sits next to Genya where he had that morning and eats the meal. Pork, rice, vegetables all mingled together and he picked bits together with his chopsticks. Genya, like he had with the ramen, ate separate parts; eating his meat first, veggies second, rice third.

Genya glanced over to Gideon as he ate. Gideon’s gaze flickered up to him as he swallows a bite. Genya smiles to him and leans his leg on Gideon's. Gideon blushes, but leans into him in return before returning to his meal. 

A certain warmth radiated in both of their chests with that. They had trust in one another and showed each other care in subtle ways. This may very well be their last meal. The life of a demon slayer was always full of potential last times. But both boys had hope as well that this wouldn't be the last meal, that they'd make it to the morning sunrise…

That they'd have more time. 

Finishing their food, they both stood, taking their dishes in to clean them and set them aside for their host to put away where she kept them. They gathered their things up and exited the house, eyes on the treeline. There was a demon to deal with in the forest shadows…

[the-firebird69]

Did you notice our cougar rug? #vanhalen #80smusic #davidleeroth #eddiev...

This is freaking me out his characters the devil and his gigantic and he lied about where it was and what it was and we believed it and it's enormous it's larger than the one in the South maybe I was wondering what's underneath and he says it's different one and it's hers and then she says no it's not I said why why would I besupporting my wiener. And it's true it's pan and his version. And I hear Shaq is upset I do know what it means he's in that kind of mode for Christ's sake this is going to be awful. And it was the max and the unchanged him on purpose it doesn't look like we're getting any progress he's right we have to be sure the max did not take those modules or the ships this is going to be insanity and he woke up to the nightmare with them running it this is not amateur stuff this is going to be awful my little nephew is quite the guy he's like Ken telling me to stop talking without saying this rude and I look back and it was and I know why and stuff I couldn't help it but holy s*** this is huge and it had Dave do it and they're having him do it and The grapes of wrath makes sense it's going to be a hell of a day

Garth

I must say this is a perfect choice in songs and the intros intense and this guy's characters he's actually venom and he can sound exactly like it in space and he can produce it out of his mouth almost a lot of people try and can't do it and I can't stand hearing it you don't sound like him this guy's lines are new and it sounds exactly how he speaks so he says... I thank you... For being a friend... And he goes on and he says a few things and hard to tell if that's what he sounds like it's terrible. I don't understand why I'm listening to the stupid s*** it's mesmerizing his character is just absolutely horrendous it's like if he could become almost all powerful take control over some idiots and make fun of us at the same time and he says... I'm not just taking over them it's a lot of work... And it sounds just like venom and you say it like him this raspy gasping for air sound and it makes sense since the sea creature and he says... Of course it makes sense that's what I am... It is jumping over the fence or wall and getting out of here and I do understand something he's sitting there working because the max we have taken over and he doesn't know if they took his clan stuff if you think his clan stuff it's awful and if his people are doing stuff it's awful if they're doing stuff he needs us to do stuff the whole thing is a nightmare any new it would be and so did we but we didn't expect the max to just sit back and let these idiots trod all over everything he thought they could blame them and they're sitting there in space doing it. The levels of hatred they've attracted by these is going into the stratosphere you can't talk to us this way after we've done that and they're trying to be little them with the talk and it does not work on him it doesn't work on me it doesn't work on shack or Preston and that's just a state of being it's not our fault it's testosterone and other chemicals that regular people don't have you're wrong and you won't stop talking to us this way and we simply go back to the workshop and fix the problem I mean what the hell are you doing Max we told you a million times don't you see the reaction he doesn't care he has to fix what you're doing

Thrym

Ahhh uh huh

Loki

Yeah we see it's true we can't stop these people put their brains in hours and selling a bunch of s*** heads there's a lot of those surgeries it says it's probably the clan and all of a sudden it's like this and they fight us or them it's something he has to happen and they're right about that possibly and it might be JC but we're off course that's true and we can't help it

Mac

And furthermore my grandson jc did a good job and may have seen something you treat him like s*** and he's in the grave and you're a horribly stupid

Thrym

We've actually had enough this stuff is stupid you have to get out of there CAA and you have to do it on your own it's not going to really work. And nobody is helping him and he's just sitting there getting steamed and he can't help it it's really cruel and mean he has to defeat everybody because nobody's doing a damn thing it's a simple psychology

Shaq

We're trying to help him all the time people are awful it's the people here they're terrible in the pseudo empire is worse you're a bunch of meat heads trying to threaten him all the time and Mac has fallen off the wagon so many times it gets back up there with other people don't and he's had the surgery I'll tell you what this is going down the tubes nobody wants to do a freaking thing it is going from car to car it says I think I found the car I just don't want to drive it around cuz it has that guy's stink on it now that's funny right there you see this f** bothering me it's not how we think about it cuz how he thinks about it a lot of his people who are they take stuff they use it he doesn't like it he says he's lesser he's so dumb he's not even human and doesn't want to attract the pieces of crap

Preston

Olympus

[chill-pills-yandere-haven]

Morning, Beloved

An: Ajax looks hot in aprons, that's kinda it. Also I have an NSFW version of this if you guys want it. A lot shorter than what I usually write. Mainly because I have a bunch of random writing ideas in my head and can only write about them if my brain feels like doing that. I have the ball scene for my Sagau thing to write, a streamer theatre kid Ajax in progress, and urges to write Ayato.

Me, a yandere blog doing non-yandere things? Pshh! *awkwardly starting at this thing* (Part of me is confused on how I made cuddling with Kazuha yandere but couldn't for Childe who is clearly the more unhinged)

Tw: Literally nothing, there isn't really any hints of yandere, though it is implied that Ajax is yandere here, and I was going to write with it being Sagau, but then didn't. So religious themes are implied but not actually present.

By the time you woke up, the sun was high in the sky, signalling that it was already noon.

You hugged the air, expecting your beloved to be there. Of course, he woke up already. He was a fatui harbinger, after all, he was used to waking up before the sun even rose. You rolled around in the sheets for just a little. The soft sheets and smell of linen were nice, but they couldn't compare to the smell of sea salt and sweet words your beloved always spoiled you with.

Damn you and your need for cuddles, you were going to go find Ajax.

A sweet smell wafted through the air, bringing you to the kitchen. There you found your beloved Ajax cooking breakfast for the both of you. He has just finished when you found him.

"Good morning, love," he turned around, a loving smile on his face.

Holy shit.

He was stunning. He probably didn't even put on new clothes as he was just in an apron and his boxers. The apron was low enough for you to see his muscled pecs and on his sides, it completely exposed his freckled thighs and calves. Ajax's orange hair was just a little combed but still in its natural state of messiness and all you wanted to do was run your fingers through it and pet it.

He turned back around to put the food onto the already set table. You waited just a moment for him to put the plates down, admiring his body in the meantime.

You pounced. Caging him between your arms and bending him over the table, getting a cute yelp out of him.

"Ajax, my love. Thank you for cooking for us. You look absolutely gorgeous like this, how are you so cute in that apron?" You still sounded sleepy as you thanked him. He relaxed himself as you put your body up against his. You caressed his waist from behind, nuzzling your nose into the back of his neck. You didn't think you could be this needy and clingy until Ajax came into your life, awakening your need for cuddles and affection.

"Love, shouldn't we wait until after breakfast?" He chuckled, holding your hands in his own. You pressed your lips onto every part of his body you could touch, loving the warmth radiating from him. Your hands came to rest on his hips, clasped in his hands. All you wanted was to cuddle your pretty little Ajax.

"No, want cuddles now. You're so pretty, would do anything for you," the sound came out muffled as you continued your kisses. You could feel him leaning into you, pressing his half-naked body closer to you. Absolutely gorgeous under you, and all you wanted was to love him.

"Cuddles? Please?" You stopped your kisses and just hugged him, Ajax still bent over the counter. Turning his head around so he could see you, he pressed a kiss to your lips that you gladly accepted.

"Oh, alright. Here, let me carry you," After completely turning himself around, Ajax picked you up by your legs and carried you to the couch. Then he set you down ontop of his his chest while he laid on his back.

Sea salt and musk filled your senses as you pressed yourself into Ajax's chest. Truly perfect.

"Love, the food's going to get cold," Ajax complained while petting your hair and holding you close. He still had the apron on and you adored how lovely it looked on him.

"We can eat later."

[the-night-writer1]

Can I request a prompt in timeline a of your monkie dad au? Maybe Ember’s birth?

Well @starsfic did a better version of this for me a while back so this a prequel to that.)

Mk woke up with strange back pain. A warning sign to say the least. He grabbed his phone and called Dadsy. Yes he jumped the gun a few times recently thinking he was in labor. However he was pretty sure it was real this time.

It wasn't normal and it wasn't Braxton Hicks again that only happens once! He confirmed it with his doctor. If it was real he needed to get to the hospital.

"hey kid I'm at the market with Tang what's up?" Pigsy said as he answered his phone and looked at the carrots at one of the vendors. They'd already gotten the best of the other vegetables.

"Dadsy I think I'm in labor" Mk said as he got out of bed. He rubbed his lower back as he walked over to his shoes. Pigsy could hear the small hisses of pain over the phone.

"Tang Mk's in labor we gotta get back to the van! Mk grab ya overnight bag we'll there in a few minutes" Pigsy said dropping the carrots as they both started running to the van. Even if it was another false start it didn't hurt to hurry.

"okay see you soon" Mk said as he hung up. He did as he was told and was waiting for them as Pigsy pulled up.

----

"you're doing great Mk" Tang spoke softly as he talked his adopted son through another contraction in the hospital room. Holding Mk's hands and letting him bury his face in Tang's shoulder. Pigsy was on the phone calling Mei and his old friend Sandy.

"Yeah he's progressing pretty fast. Baby will probably be here in the next two hours. He'll be in delivery soon " Pigsy said as he paced back and forth. He didn't like seeing Mk in so much pain but kid refused the second attempt at a epidural.

"I'll be there soon my friend" Sandy said cheerfully," congratulations on the grandchild!"

"thanks big guy" Pigsy said before shivering at Mk's distress groan. How Tang was being so calm amazed him. He walked over and rubbed the kid's back as he tried to contact Mei again. She was most likely not near her phone. He sighed getting her answering machine again so he left a message," hey baby's coming we're at the hospital right now."

----

Mk smiled happily as he looked at his daughter in her hospital crib. She was sleeping so soundly. Everything he ever wanted was right there and she was perfect. Her auntie was sleeping in a hospital chair right next to him.

"I love you so much Ember. Just so much" Mk cooed as he carefully scooped her out of the crib. He kissed her forehead and held her close. Best choice he ever made.

[chibimyumi]

Hi

I hope you're doing well

I have questions if you don't mind

Who do like Axel von Fersen in Marie Antoinette or Axel von Fersen in 1789 les amants de la bastille and also do you like Marie Antoinette in Marie Antoinette or in 1789 les amants de la bastille

Thank you for answering my questions

Dear Anon,

I am doing well, thank you very much! I hope you too.

Hmmm, as a quick answer I would say I prefer both Marie and Fersen from ‘Toho MA’, but the full answer is slightly more complicated.

Firstly, it is almost unfair to compare them to each other because in MA they are the main characters, whereas in 1789 they are main-support or secondary-mains at best.

Secondly, MA has a far bigger focus on the characters because that is what drives the plot, while the opposite is true for 1789, which mainly sells a spectacle. I myself am more fan of subtle and deep story-telling rather than spectacular shows, so the MA versions of Marie and Fersen are more to my liking.

Thirdly, the quality of the characters also depends greatly on the cast. My first view of MA is the A-cast, and therefore my impression of the characters is that they are incredibly well written. After comparison with other casts however, I started to wonder whether it was just the A-cast being too good, and the musical itself being ‘fine’. (In short; I’m not fully sure how much I’d ‘clearly’ have preferred MA Marie and Fersen were it not for A-cast. Click here for a comparison between the two casts written by my friend @wildandwhirlingwords)

But, I shall go into more detail for both characters why MA’s version appeals more to me - someone who enjoys character writing most.

🌹Marie Antoinette🌹

M.A. 2018

In my opinion Marie Antoinette is better in MA because you see her journey and her motivations. We all know that the historical Queen screwed up majorly, but in MA we see why, and in what ways she indeed had very little other choice from her own perspective. She was a flawed foreign woman in a time and place where flawed foreign women were hated most.

In the beginning of the musical the King comes tell Marie that she’d have to live more economically. Marie is clearly not very enthusiastic to hear that, but she also never protests. She just asks ‘why’ and then accepts the answer - albeit broodingly. More importantly however: we need to keep in mind that despite being called Madam Deficit, the historical Marie Antoinette was actually quite economical at first because the Austrian court where she comes from was way less extravagant than the French. It was after her marriage into French royalty that she became more extravagant, because she was criticised for “not being a proper royal” by the French. According to the court, the 14 year old Marie was “a peasant unworthy of becoming Queen.” When you’re that young and criticised by your entire new life, you do everything in your power to make sure you can actually have a life; you adapt. So when Marie was then suddenly told to stop ‘adapting and be a proper Queen worthy of the French”, we can see why more is at stake than “Karen needs to deal with only 10 dresses a week.”

Something else that adds depth to her character as opposed to her 1789 counterpart is that as the story progresses, Marie actually grows. She becomes more mature and more serious, and you see in her how all the events have a clear toll on her. From her own perspective, she really was trying very hard, but anything she tried was inadequate to improve the situation. What she didn’t know is that no matter how hard she tried, the situation was already un-salvageable before she was even born. The populace AND the court had already decided to hate her for being an unintelligent foreign woman from an enemy state, after all. This is an insight most historians nowadays agree on.

In a later scene where Margrid confronts Marie, she asks the Queen: “what makes you think you are better than us?” Marie confirms nor denies, but replies: “I am merely Queen as I was appointed by God.” When she adds: “All I know is duties, you are free,” there is also a clear sense she genuinely doesn’t know why she was appointed by God, but as she is now, all she can do is her best. She is still ignorant, which was a genuine problem about her. She does not know the hardships of not being from the top rank, allowing her say something as insensitive as: “at least you’re free.” But again, despite her ignorance, her feelings are sincere. From all the unfair expectations she was made to live up to from age 14, you really do see why ‘a life without duties’ seemed so much more appealing to her.

1789 - The Lovers of the Bastille

Marie in 1789 is more of a side-character, and the musical itself just is not very character/story driven as MA is. 1789 has the tendency to take the tropiest of tropes and stay on surface level with the characters. Ouki Kaname is an incredibly good actress and she tries her best; but she cannot do more than the script gives her to work with.

In this musical Marie is not portrayed in a very relatable or sympathetic light. She is extravagant because she has escapist fantasies, but we don’t really see what she’s escaping from. The sympathy from the audience is supposed to be drawn from the tragedy that she’s married to the King but is in love with Fersen. Oh, and she has a son but he’s mortally ill. Meanwhile however, you don’t see how her life is so bad she needs to escape... and you also don’t see Marie really being worried about her son than an occasional: “Oh Ill again? Sucks I guess. Gotta cry my eyes out on my lover’s lap, AHHH FERSEN 💗” It was not until her son had already died that Marie woke up, but the lack of portrayal of Marie’s perspective and the pacing really makes one legitimately wonder whether the child did not just die of Marie’s neglect. And about the forbidden love ...we’ve seen enough love triangles with star-crossed-lovers... I don’t know about you guys, but I am numbbbbb to this “problem”.

When Marie receives message from Olympe that she finally gets to meet her lover after a long separation at the Palais Royal, one of the first things she says is: “is that not the place where revolutionaries and prostitutes are gathered?” This immediately sets up an empathy-barrier between her and the common people. This Marie clearly views herself too good for people who do anything to get by; why would you care about her then? Because Marie’s story is not fleshed out you don’t see parts that can make you go: “oh, the revolutionaries really hate her for reasons beyond her control, she is in danger.” Or “she was raised by a puritan society, making her hate on sex-workers; that’s part of her character flaw.” Instead it’s just this Diva being quite judgemental.

Ouki was trying very hard to make the focus about her own safety, but with the script being what it is... she’s still a mostly unsympathetic character who is a martyr of forbidden love.

There is one scene where we see her take on a much more mature and responsible role. That was the first time I personally felt like Marie from 1789 is an actual human being with feelings and personal difficulties. But in great part this is Ouki’s acting... (the other cast didn’t do much for me). What is also important is that Marie was ‘humbled’ because her son died. Marie did not have much of a personal growth, and then she changes to a more sympathetic person because of an external factor just... feels less earned.

In the finale Marie appears again in her execution clothes, and the way Ouki appeared really felt like a punch in the gut. She sings “as a recompense for our griefs, people have learnt forgiveness.” However, the story skimped over the characters so much I was left to wonder: “who learned to forgive whom?” Do you think the people forgave you? Or was there somebody you hated but now learned to forgive? What was your grudge? Do you understand the angry mob’s grudge?

The finale of the musical treats like after the heroic sacrifice of the protagonist (Ronan) the oppressive monarchy was replaced by a good democracy, and a Reign of Terror will DEFINITELY not happen under Robespierre or something. But if you’ve had a BIT of European history you just know it’s a blatant lie. So the finale just feels too simplistic, and this simplistic feeling was in part presented by Marie’s very empty, lip-service-y line.

⚔️Hans Axel von Fersen⚔️

M.A. 2018

Fersen is a bit harder to compare which version is better, because honestly, depending on who plays Fersen in MA, Fersen is either the most generic Hollywood sweeping-lover-hero, or a diamond mine to excavate. In the same post linked above by my friend, she explains in detail the differences between TashiroFersen and FurukawaFersen. K-musical fans, don’t @ me, but from what I can tell, the Korean Fersens are also very... typical.

In this post I have discussed Furukawa’s Fersen in great detail, so I shall skip over these for this post. But to summarise, when portrayed by Furukawa at least, Fersen in MA is very nuanced and restrained. Even if we do not fully credit Furukawa however, then at the very least the script allows enough space and material for an actor to flesh him out so phenomenally well (I think Tashiro and some other actors just.... really missed out on the potential).

Fersen in MA incredibly memorable because the main atmosphere of the imminent doom awaiting everyone is carried by him in a way nobody else does. The moment Fersen enters you feel the tension that the musical wishes to tell. Fersen has seen revolutions, he’s seen the power of anger; he knows shit is going to hit the fan because he’s familiar with this trajectory. 

Fersen has excellent self control because he knows how a lack thereof would hurt Marie’s reputation and escalate the growing chaos. You can see very clearly how Fersen does want the intimacy, but to him duty and the grander picture has priority. In all the small actions from Fersen you see how he is a savvy intellectual through and through. (More about reservation later).

In contrast to 1789, we also get to see so much more of Fersen in MA because he is the narrator and a main character. Throughout the musical he’s been trying to de-escalate the chaos and even though his plans were actually well thought-out, the problems were just simply too big for any one person to solve. When Fersen mourns Marie there is a clear sense that he is not really surprised, just really upset that things had to come so far. Instead of singing something accusatory to the angry and hungry people, he sings: “fate, why did you give her everything, only to show her hell in the end?” Fersen truly understands why the people were duly angry, but that not taking away his sorrow of losing Marie who he knows is a better person than people make her out to be.

Also in great contrast to 1789, the finale of MA is rather grim. It does not suggest hope or that all problems will eventually disappear. The story for these people have ended, but the problems and the world will continue to our days, and days far beyond ours. It gives a feeling that the world of MA is so extensive that we - the audience - are part of it. In the finale when we see Fersen again, he also stays in tune with this feeling. “How can the problems of the world be solved, what is true justice? We remain clueless” he sings, and the way he looks into the unknown distance is almost a reminder to us that nobody has reason to stop worrying and fight for justice.

1789 - the Lovers of the Bastille

Now if we were to compare MA’s Furu Fersen to 1789′s Fersen, we see a stark contrast between the two. Where Furusen was incredibly reserved and hyper aware of everything, 1789′s Fersen is just the over-romantic lover who had been pining for his love. For a moment Marie realises she probably should not be cheating on her husband and backs away. Fersen however, is the one to make further advances, actively pulling her back to his side.

When he embraces Marie you see how he is just dreaming and indulging, something Furusen would never do. Furusen might hug Marie, but not without sh*tting 50 colours. 1789′s Fersen is the sweeping Romeo that most of history makes him to be, and little more. But again, Fersen plays but a very small role in 1789, so it is also unfair to compare him to MA’s Fersen.

Regardless of whatever nuance might or might not be there however, it is also just quite hard to like this Fersen because he is ‘just another privileged aristocrat who is just needy’. When making out with Marie in Palais Royale they find out that Ronan fell asleep there drunk. Ronan simply complained that Marie was too loud and woke him, and Fersen immediately shuts him up, and then draws his sword at him for ‘speaking rudely’.

First of all Fersen and Marie, if you’re gonna do a clandestine meeting, you CHECK your surroundings. Second of all, FERSEN Ò.Ó, this peasant is untrained and weaponless; you can’t just unleash your high-ranking martial arts at him with a shiny sword. This is EXACTLY the reason the revolution happened; the people were sick of the suppression of the powerless by the powerful. UGHUM. It truly is mind-blowing to consider how 1789 Fersen and MA Fersen are both...Fersens.

This Fersen is not very involved with the revolution from either side. He just proposes to help Marie and the King escape once, but got dismissed immediately. The following time we see him it is in the finale.

There he stands, a knight in shiny armour singing a really hopeful phrase to a relatively upbeat and hopeful music: “do not rely on force, but seek for hope and courage.” Here again unlike with MA’s Fersen, you don’t really feel like this Fersen has experienced anything. It was like he was an employed special guard, told by his boss there’s nothing he needed to do, his boss is dead, and oh wellll, moving on!

Conclusion

Because Marie and Fersen in MA are main characters whose stories are fleshed out, it really is very unfair to compare them to their 1789′s counterparts in a race of ‘who is better’. In the end of the day, 1789′s aim is to sell a spectacle, and it realllly is a phenomenal piece if you’re there for the spectacle. The choreography, songs, stage, everything is masterpiece-level. So if you’re there for the spectacle you get exactly what you went there for. The story and characters however... not so much. If one is more drawn to a direct, glittery spectacle with hands-down-amazing-songs however, they’d probably find Marie and Fersen from 1789 more enjoyable. If you’re into first and impressive impressions, the MA counterparts might demand a BIT too much attention and patience to get into.

Related posts:

Introduction and character analysis Fersen ‘MA’ 2018

Comparative commentary on MA Cast M and Cast A

[bloggingwithmattporter]

My Relationship and How It Ended

All through our lives, we wonder who our partner will be and how will we find them? Going out with friends, talking online for a while or just simply a bump into each other. At the age of 20, I was amazed at the thought of how i'd meet someone I could be myself around. Myself having an incredibly outgoing bubbly personality, I always knew that I could be seen by many people, but never knew that I would find someone who I'd consider to be perfect for me. For years I've been independant and achieved things by myself with no partner by my side, I didn't want anyone nor was I looking for someone. But yet, I always thought to myself "I wonder if my future girlfriend would be proud of me", which actually makes you realise you're more lonely than you thought, but hey, that's okay because you know one day you will find her.

Everything changed for me one night, a few weeks after I started a new job. I decided to go out one night, which i remember fondly enough that I would've rather stay in and watch some films, but decided it would be a great time to celebrate the job I acquired. When you were like me and decided to drink yourself silly every single week, you had to find reasons to go out. Little did I know, going out that night would change my life in millions of great ways, which is now terrifying to think about.

 After a fair few drinks, I decided to go out into another area of the club to share my loud obnoxious personality around. The moment I walked down there, was like a movie. I saw a girl, even in my intoxicated state, I could tell she was one of the most beautiful women I had ever laid my eyes upon. I instantly came up with a goal to make her laugh. It takes a lot to make me nervous, it was trait that I never had. I went up to her and at that exact same time, she walked up to me and introduced herself. You know how I said it was like a movie? I said that because when I looked into her eyes, everything around me froze, I was just standing there. After what felt like thirty minutes, I introduced myself then we sat down and had a drink. I wouldn't be able to tell you the exact conversations that we had, but I can tell you I interrupted her to inform her that I needed to do a pee followed by what I thought to be an FBI cross Ninja jump over the table, but according to her that was never the case... I still stick with what I thought it felt still to this day. When I returned we had another drink and spoke some more and introduced us to each others friends. One of my friends, Jordan, looked at me when I introduced her and smiled at me, for some strange reason, he knew I was interested, suppose I've never really introduced a girl to my friends before. As this night drew to a close, I lost her and eventually stormed out of the club because I had enough. Little did I know, she was asking about me when I left. I got home, surprisingly, and fell asleep.

I woke up to a message from her asking me out on a date. I immediately felt emasculated, but that was okay. Obviously I said yes. We went to a Shannon Noll concert, it was a perfect time spent together and the happiest i've been in a very long time. I still remember how it felt to feel true happiness after such a long time of being alone.  

As messages upon messages went by between each other, it was suddenly a week or two later. We had organised for me to stay over her place, have a couple of drinks and listen to some old school music, the best kind. As she's on the floor choosing the songs to put on and I am sitting on her bed, that strange feeling erupted in me again, true happiness. I didn't know at the time, but she was radiating something I haven't felt before, whether it was her great music choice or just being around her. As the night progressed, next thing we know we were in bed together 'cuddling'. We were talking about something that made me laugh, which at the end I did something I couldn't take back. I laughed and then said I love you, which i quickly recovered by saying "lol jokes, you wish". Yes, I actually said that and it turned out more funny than what we were previously discussing. This became a running joke for years to come. I remember laying there thinking "Why did I say that", I was confused about how it happened because it just completely slipped out, I didn't mean to say it but knew I felt it. This was when I asked her to be my girlfriend and she said yes. In the end, it was a perfect night spent by someone whom I believed I loved very quickly. I had never felt this way about another person before. 

A week at work progressed and we decided to stay over again, same music, but this time we felt closer than ever. It was an amazing feeling for me and I was honestly just falling harder and harder for her. I knew the next time I saw her, I wanted to do something special, so I surprised her with a little getaway to a nice resort at the Sunshine Coast. When we got there, we checked in and went across the street to Woolworths to stock up on food and the dinner I was going to cook for her, Beef Strogonoff. When we returned, we got the keys and went to our apartment to find out that there was in fact, no kitchen. So it turned out to be a KFC night. This was when I knew she was the one for me, as we finished eating, i decided to rip the KFC bags and dress her up.. it was incredibly hilarious at the time and damn she could pull the look off. We got into bed and watched Eurovision trying to understand the words they were singing, it was great and it was definitely a great weekend. Once again, the kitchen became a running joke too, I could never escape it. After this weekend away, we sat down and decided it would be best if I moved in with her, as I’m always there anyways. So a month after dating, we were living together and I’ve never felt so much happiness, everything was perfect and working out for me.

Months and months went on, we sat there laughing about the possible arguments we would have because we have never argued before. I knew for a fact that I was so in love with this woman that I never wanted to lose her. We were perfect for a very long time. I’d get lost in her eyes every time she would laugh, or how her eyes opened wide when she was explaining a story or a topic she was passionate about. She has the most incredible smile with a beautiful laugh.. which includes her little snorting she does when the laughing can’t stop.

Every morning I would wake up, give her a kiss on the forehead and say good morning. Every night, I’d give her 10 kisses on the forehead, we both made sure to count as it all became a ritual. There were so many memories, inside jokes and little rituals we had that we got so used to that it all became normal. I was still in love with this woman at the age of 23.

Suddenly, cracks started to appear because of my inability to talk. I know, how does someone not know how to talk? That was and still is the hardest thing for me. I am so used to not sharing my feelings about negative things and instead keep it bottled up inside, its a very unhealthy thing to do and still to this day I'm slowly learning.

We were having many fights, breaking up but working our way back to each other every single time. We knew we wanted to be together and we were too stubborn to admit it at times, we were an incredibly competitive couple. Ask her about the monopoly game, she'll tell you she won..... thats because she did but I can assure you we never played monopoly again. I cannot elaborate on the amount of fights and quick break ups we had, we had a severe rough patch. But everything was perfect and I was still the happiest guy in the world.

The last time we broke up was around May 2018, the month we got together in 2016. This was a tough break up but we got back together a week later. I know, people may think how is this healthy, but when you're in love with someone, you'd do anything to make sure it works. Everything was perfect for many many many months. We discussed getting our very own place and we started to buy furniture each paycheck so we would be able to move into a house that wasn’t partly furnished, having kids (even agreed on some names to respect my mother which meant a lot to me) and more importantly, the engagement I was going to do at the start of the year.

I started an incredibly bad addiction to video gaming every day for hours on end, instead of the usual couple of hours a week. I became lazy and didn't appreciate what I had right next to me the entire time. Nearly 3 years we spent together, you would think that I would be more attentive. I just forgot about every thing in my life and was just committed to video games like the person I was long before I met her. I stopped wanting to have sex and I stopped wanting to go out on weekends with her. This all hit home and completely shattered me after she told me she was getting male attention elsewhere. I stormed out with all my stuff and didn't look back once.

A week has gone by and I just sit here in silence every single day. I've eaten half a sausage roll that made me vomit, a few chicken balls and a handful of chips, against my will. During my silence, I realise how much I have changed. I have gone from the alcoholic version of myself to a guy who found out he was ready to settle down, the mature Matt I thought I wouldn't find until I was very much older. I'm not going to lie, this last paragraph is hard to type because I just fall back into the ifs and buts. I know for a fact, all I had to do was to get off that Xbox and give her attention, clean the room when she asked, give her the intimacy that we both required but I slacked out on and most of all, show her the amount of appreciation I have for her since we got together. I feel as though I never want to show another woman intimacy or become close again, unless it’s with her. The constant knot in my stomach won’t dissapear. The world knows just how much I do love her and all my good friends know how much I appreciate and love her, it just turns out I forgot to reassure the most important person to me.

I realise that I don't blame her for any of this because I guess it is all my fault. Every girl in a long lasting relationship needs to know that feeling that their partner does in fact care about them. I just guess for me, it is too late for that. I would do anything to go back to the life we had with me bringing an insane amount of changes that would make any girl feel like the luckiest woman in the world. Not only did I lose my girlfriend, I lost my best friend and the only person that knew exactly who I was and who I am still to this day. She knows more about me than anyone else on this planet and i'm not afraid to admit that. She was my definition of a soul mate. I've never felt more comfortable and open with someone in my life and I highly doubt I'm going to find that feeling with anyone else for a very long time and even then, the chances are slim. All our inside jokes and memories haunt me every single day because they were the happiest times of my life. Every song that comes on the radio, its hard to listen to. All the songs on my phone, I can't listen to because each one takes me back to a time with her. It's hard to watch Netflix alone because I watched basically everything with her many times over. It's hard to get up in the morning and go to work, because every morning I would drive there knowing how close our future home was and how ready I was to propose to her, she was the reason why I got the new job a few weeks ago. The memories are suddenly everywhere and every day you're just caught up in constant nostalgia. The pain doesn’t disappear.

If I could go back in time and change everything, I would in a heartbeat. If she messaged me and told me she wants me back, I'd be there in a heartbeat too. With Christmas and New Years coming up, this is going to be a hard problem for me to recover from for the rest of the year. We had so many plans, I had many plans she didn't even know about. Nearly 3 years down the drain because I was too stupid to show her the amount of love and appreciation I have for her.. it truly fucking hurts. Being so ready to settle down, just for it all to come up above your feet isn't the best feeling.

The hardest part about break ups, is trying to forget about the imagined future you two had planned together. Our future looked so perfect. Going from being so happy, to suddenly depression hitting you straight on the head. The emptiness and loneliness is something I haven't felt in my life and I wouldn't wish it upon my worse enemy.

I don't expect many people to read this, but if you do, thank you for letting me vent and taking it on board. If you're in a relationship, please, tell your partner you love them and that you appreciate them, that's all it takes. Listen to them, talk to them and be there for them through everything life throws their way. Don't get caught up in technology or social media, they can easily become the source of break ups in this generation, which fucking sucks. Put your phone down and just show your partner that you love them. Never would I have thought I’d lose the one piece of me that meant more than anything else on this planet.

Most importantly, to her. If you're reading this, please know that I love and I miss you more than words can explain. I'm sorry that I didn't show you just how much you meant to me and just assumed you knew. You were, and still are, my world. The things we have done together are things I'll forever cherish and miss. You were my soulmate and I wish I could just show you all the changes I'd make to prove just how happy we can be. I would do anything to have you laying in my arms again and hearing you laugh. You are the only person in this world that I need and I’m honestly shattered to know I wasn’t that person for you. My friends keep telling me to move on.. why would I want to, and how could I move on when I know I’ve already met my soul mate? I’ll forever miss and love you.

I honestly thought typing this would make me feel better, even in the slightest amount, but in the end I guess it just made things worse for me. The hardest part for me was leaving someone who I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with. I don't know where I would be or the type of person I would be if she didn't enter my life. She brought out the best version of me that was possible.

 If you're going through a rough time, talk to a friend or family member. Please know, it's not embarrassing to seek professional help.

[goron-king-darunia]

It's because people don't think critically about media they consume (in the real sense of critical and not just the "I'm looking for things to complain about to seem woke sense of critical.") Like, don't get me wrong, I was like that too. Until Undertale I wasn't really cognizant of stuff I did in video games. Hell it took me until my second playthrough of OFF to realize there's some fucked up shit in that game where you are literally FORCED to beat up creatures that don't fight back and in my first playthrough I didn't even flinch because to me they were just something else that probably wanted to hurt me. Video games, especially FPS games, train you for a certain response. You do best in an FPS when you shoot first and find out you're morally bankrupt later because the first time a baby carriage showed up on stage your first instinct was to throw a grenade at it because it was a moving object and now the game is like "Seriously? You lobbed a grenade at a baby?! What the fuck?!" Because scoring well and staying alive requires you to basically open fire on anything and everything that moves without processing it. Zelda games rarely question the humanity of the enemies. The mooks like moblins, bublins, and bokoblins are, generally, portrayed as sapient, but with very few exceptions, they all want to kill you. I think the first time I noticed was in WindWaker, where the poor girl makes friends with a monster soldier who gives her jewels and that's how she gets rich later. But Twilight Princess also explores it. The Big Bublin outright gives up on fighting you and speaks to you. And in BotW, all the monsters have their own little societies. The only reason they're considered "evil" is because, somehow, Ganon is compelling them to attack innocent, unarmed travelers and they'll basically kill Link on sight if given the chance. But even then, if you're not really thinking about it, it's easy to shrug this stuff off as "Oh, well, in these games all the bad guys are bad, EXCEPT those 2 guys in OFF who don't want to fight you (no spoilers but it's pretty interesting that one of the final bosses has a huge energy pool so they pretty explicitly COULD hurt you if they wanted to.) All the mooks in Zelda are "bad guys" except the few that are nice." Even in games like Shadow the Hedgehog where you can switch sides and be explicitly evil and just kill anything, you're never forced to think about it. Anything you're capable of killing in Shadow the Hedgehog is either a mech or a soldier from one of the factions, either GUN or The Black Arms. Undertale was one of the first games, or the first I can think of, which actively tells you "No, in this game you do not 'fight.' You dodge like in bullet hell games and you 'act' until you can find a way to get out of combat. Undertale is the first game that actively punishes you for fighting your opponents and explicitly humanizes them. One of the hardest fights in the game is if you take the No Mercy Route and explicitly attack a child for "easy EXP." And you're stopped by (spoiler) Undyne who, if we were following the story from the Monster's Side, would explicitly be the Monster Version of Link. She literally breaks all known rules of her kind. She NATURALLY has determination, something unheard of in Monsters, and can literally RESIST a fatal blow to make progressing past that point HELL for a player. The only harder part is, like, the "final" boss of the No Mercy Route and he's, like, explicitly there for judgement, vengeance, and the only way you're able to beat him is because he decides the only way to make you lose is to break the fourth wall and basically NOT USE his turn which is meant to lock you out of your ability to fight, basically trapping you in combat and you're only able to get out of that by waiting for him to fall asleep so you can "cheat." Like, you explicitly have to cheat to win by landing a fatal blow on a guy who's sleeping. Not only that but the game suggests that when you land that final blow, you do it with such malice that it's complete overkill because the guy only has 1 HP but you deal basically infinite damage on him. Other games don't punish you for not being careful about who you kill. Combat is meant to just be fun. Very rarely did games previously actually ask you to look at who you were fighting and think about why you were doing it, and even games that tried like OFF and some of the Zelda games didn't actively punish you for killing blatantly innocent people. Now, granted, despite that I was still able to go "yeah, killing everything in games is fun but, like, hurting things in real life is awful, why would I want to do that?!" Some people don't even have that small bit of insight. They just play the game they're given and don't think about it. Because they only know to bring out the tools when it comes to passive media. They can't self-critique. They can only critique others. To them, lobbing a grenade into a baby carriage is "Not my fault. The game wanted me to do that, why else would I have been able to do it?" But you're ability to read a fic where someone says 'no' right before someone violates them? "What is this unnacceptable filth?! If you choose to read this, then that means you want to do it!" For them, the video game is on rail's and doesn't speak to their own morality. "I just want to shoot things, it's not my fault that the game programs in questionable things to shoot at." But to them, you ARE in charge of what you read, and reading about something that's not condemned in the narrative, or sometimes reading about a thing at all is seen as acceptance of that thing. Approval. And yeah, that's freaking wild. IDK why people are like that. But I kind of understand. I think I do anyway.

How do you play a game where the entire gameplay is "shoot everything and everyone you come across" and NOT understand "some people explore morally fucked up stuff in fiction"