#You bet I am going to make a post about how Leo is technically the reason in canon that Solangelo happened

[thatonefandomjumper]

Just finished The Sun and The Star.

Leo Valdez was mentioned 8 times.

(9 if you count his mention in the Glossary for the Argo II)

[heyheydidjaknow]

FUCK YOU TIME! I’m aware I’m an hour and a half late, but I finished the chapter, so HA. I know nobody cares, but I’m happy with myself. Previous chapter is at the bottom of the page, of course.

Chapter 4

"Why, pray tell, don't you trust me?"

"Because you're being paranoid." Mikey gets into position at the top of the ramp as you scroll through your phone absentmindedly, watching your friends back home sincerely mourning your death. "I am an ex-peer-ee-onsed skateboarder and ninja. This is gonna be epic."

"As someone who saw that episode," you reassure him, sighing at your mother's inactivity online confirming your suspicions for the umpteenth time, "you are absolutely going to get in trouble." The lair is a mess, the ramp more so, and the entire situation is so obviously the inciting incident that you're half convinced that the universe itself is pranking you. You slid the phone into your pocket, not really in the mood to start crying again. "In fact, this is directly related to the theme of the episode. In other words, don't do it."

"Relax, dude." He sets himself up. "I am totally gonna make this jump and it is going to be sweet."

"Theme?" Donatello pipes up from his place on the ground in front of the ramp. "The first major constituent of a clause?"

You blink. "No, the new Subway footlong. What the fuck are you talking about?"

"That's the definition of theme."

"Who uses that definition? Grammar teachers?"

"The dictionary."

You are dumbfounded. "Why would I— do you know how people usually use that word?"

"People usually use that word at all?"

You look over at Raphael and Leonardo, who are on the floor next to him, and who seem completely disinterested. "Do you guys—"

"No. Who uses the word 'theme'?" Raphael rolls his eyes. "Mikey, do you plan on jumping today?"

"Wait, so none of you have ever used that word in a literary sense?"

"There's a literary sense?"

You sigh. "In hindsight, I guess that makes sense, since— Mikey, you're gonna get grounded for it."

"Will not."

"Will too. Donnie, when you inevitably get grounded for this, after your grounding is over, come to my apartment. I'm teaching you literary analysis because that is ridiculous." You get to your feet. "Oh," you say, "before I go, when he grounds you, don't go out. If you get into trouble while you're out, get me, and if he asks why you're tired, say it was a movie marathon, and if he asks which movies, Lord of The Rings. See ya." You run out as you hear the shouts of their father telling them to stop.

You walk back up to the surface via the empty subway tunnel. You had quickly realized that it was infinitely less gross than going through the sewers, and your apartment already smelled enough like raw sewage from the amount of time you had started spending down there. You have considered buying new clothes with your quickly appreciating bank account, but you could not bring yourself to look, even with your new freedom. Maybe it was a lack of motivation? You do not exactly know. More likely is your complete lack of inspiration and faith in your own choices, but what do I know?

You start down the street to your building. You would not go so far as to say it felt like home, but you had become more accustomed to it. You had learned the bellboy’s name, nodded to neighbors. It is not a stunning amount of progress, but it is progress. You spend most of your days now, if not re-watching whatever episode is relevant next, for the first time, cyberstalking people you knew from back home. How courteous of that organization to give you an up-to-date feed of life moving on without you; at least you get to see your cousins.

You do not remember the actual walk. You remember getting to your apartment, walking right by your refrigerator, and collapsing onto the bed.

You feel like shit.

You roll onto your back, going right back to stalking. You are not sure why you bother making yourself feel worse. You tried messaging them to absolutely no avail. You cannot comment on posts, either. You know this. You still grasp onto this shred from your past. It just makes you sad. Why are you doing this to yourself?

You feel a lump rise in your throat. You close the window.

You curl around your pillow, hugging it tightly. You the sound of your fingers against the screen was the only thing to permeate the room. You are following a tangent, looking for a book you were interested in a century ago. Something about a pervert? You forget.

You miss home.

—

You do not even need to look up from your phone; the panting is enough. "I'm going to take a wild guess."

"I know you said to come get you," Donnie gushed, "but it was 2 in the morning and I totally forgot and I was freaking out about this new invention and—"

You set the e-book down, walking over and grasping his hands gently. "Take a deep breath, alright? You're gonna be fine, so long as you chill out and think."

"Baxter Stockman is serious business."

"I know, honey, but you gotta calm down, alright?" You slowly pull him down to sit on the bed.

"He snapped my staff with his freakin hand!"

"You are going to go through at least 2 more of those bad boys. Breathe with me." You inhale deeply. "In."

He mimics you.

"Out."

He follows suit.

"Okay. Are you good?"

His breathing slows. He swallows, nods. "Okay, I'm calm."

"Awesome. Now, I'm gonna give you a mini version of our lesson, alright? Is that okay?" The irony of you trying to calm down the trained ninja is not lost on you.

"Yeah, alright." He nodded.

"Alright. Let's start off with the basics." You sit yourself up properly. "Now, this is a kid's show, right?"

"If you say so, yeah."

"The thing about kids shows is that there's usually a moral to each of the episodes."

"Okay."

You put up one finger. "At the beginning of the episode, you guys got grounded, right?"

He nodded.

"You guys snuck out, and you got into a fight with Stockman. That fight is the reason he's after you, right?" You try to speak relatively clearly and, more importantly, calmly.

"Yeah." He seems to respond relatively positively to this.

"And then,” you continue, putting up a second finger, “Mikey losing the t-pod and not telling anyone is what lead to Stockman getting powerful, right?”

He nodded.

“In both instances, the problem was a lack of transparency, right? Not asking for help for fear of getting in trouble?”

He nodded again.

“So,” you nod with him, “the way to fix this is?”

“To ask for help regardless of whether or not it will get us in trouble with Splinter?”

“Exactly.” You smile encouragingly. “Why?”

“Because that’s the message of the episode?”

“You really are quick to catch on.” You get to your feet. “I’m not surprised you’re the brains of the group.”

“Really?” His eyes lit up.

“Most definitely. Now,” you get to your feet, “as much as I love when we talk, and as much as I owe you a lesson on how to identify these sorts of things on your own, I’m sure your brothers could use that advice right about now.”

“Right!” He gets up. “Thank you, again.”

“My pleasure, my guy. Oh, hit me up when you’re off of your grounding so I can figure out a lesson plan.”

“You got it.” He climbed out of the window. “See you then, Y/N.”

“Kick their asses.” You wave as he disappears into the night.

Your smile slowly slides off your face as you close the window. You pick your phone up to check the time.

You toss it onto the bed. ‘I’m making cupcakes.’ You have not eaten in what feels like a while. You are already out of bed. Might as well.

--

“She called me honey.”

Raphael rolls his eyes. “I’m telling you, there’s no way that a girl like her is going to be into you. You’re delusional.”

“Honey is a pet name!” Donatello’s voice rises slightly. “And—and she invited me to her place after we aren’t grounded!”

“Let him believe.” Leonardo pipes up from in front of the television. “I think it’s nice that he and she are as close of friends as they are so quick.”

“For the record, I’m rooting for ya, bro.” Mikey takes another bite out of his pizza. “Sure, you’re a little creepy, but so is she, so it works out.”

He scoffs. “Aren’t you three forgetting something? Like, I don’t know, that we’re turtles? Is the fact that she’s an entirely different species not a factor?”

“Part turtle.” He speaks incredibly fast. “Our DNA is mutated with—”

“Oh, I’m sure you’re holding onto that technicality real tight, aren’t you?” He stabs the dummy in the gut. “A technicality that I’m sure she cares about.”

“I did the research.” He gets to his feet, running over and grabbing a diagram from his lab. “We’re physically compatible.”

“Donnie. Brother. No.” He stops. “Please tell me you didn’t seriously look into whether or not you could fuck her. I know you like this girl, but come on.”

“I didn’t go out of my way to research how our reproductive system works for this.” He tosses it back into his lab, sliding the door closed. “I did that research a while back. I just had to investigate reproduction on the female end to make sure everything worked.” He stands up straight. “Theoretically, we are fully capable of reproducing with humans.”

“Theoretically?” Leo looks back at him.

He feels his face go red. “Well, there isn’t any clinical research done on the subject. We’re the only ones of our kind, after all, and I don’t have any female samples to use.”

“For fuck’s sake, Donnie, do not ask her for ‘samples’.” He gags. “That’s just fucking gross.”

“I wasn’t going to!”

“You were. I’d bet money on it.”

“Ten bucks says he still will.” Mikey drops the rest of it down his throat.

“Hey!”

“Dude, you’re freakier than I am. I love you but come on.” He lays back on the couch.

“Y’all are just gross.” He stabbed the dummy in the neck, sand pouring out of the hole. “We need a more durable dummy.”

“You could just not break the ones I make.” He sits down on the couch. “That’s an option.”

“It’s a literal punching bag. It’s a show of love.”

The episode ends. Leo walked over to the two on the couch, sitting on the other side of his lanky brother as Michelangelo scrounges for crumbs. “Look, it might be jumping the gun a bit to start researching if you guys can have kids. You guys aren’t even in a relationship.”

“I know.” He rubs his face with his hands. “I dunno, man. What am I doing?”

“Exactly.” He pats him on the back. “I’m not saying it could never happen, but this is a little much.”

He sighs. “Yeah, that’s true.”

“We wouldn’t lie to you.” He gets to his feet. “I’m gonna go meditate for a while. You wanna join me?”

“I’m good.” Donnie hopped over the back of the couch. “I’m gonna go work on this thing I’ve been working on.”

“Alright, man.” He walks off to the dojo.

He steps into his lab, sliding the door closed behind him. He sits at his workstation, a half-finished robot sat on the table. He slides his tongue in the space between his teeth absentmindedly as he goes back to connecting wires.

‘She used the past tense. Had, she said.’ He bounces his knee absentmindedly, reaching for the soldering iron. ‘But she called me honey. She called me hot stuff. Is that an insult?” He tests the joints. ‘I don’t remember.’

He sets his project down for a second. He opens his laptop, smiling gently at his screen saver. It is a photo you had emailed him of the two of you to show you how it worked.

‘I should make a camera. Or find one. A digital one.’ He sighs, closing it. ‘She is absolutely gorgeous.’

He goes back to work, still feeling your fingers around his.

Table Of Contents

Chapter 3

Chapter 5

[gofancyninjaworld]

Meta: What rough beast slouches to be born?

Right, webcomic chapter 125 has raised quite a few questions about cyborgs and I purposely left it aside. Until now.  I’m sorry for the length, but I’m only allowed one ‘readmore’. :(

What we knew

Many moons ago for us, 9 or so weeks ago for them, Genos showed up at Saitama’s doorstep like a refugee from another world, telling a tale of destroyed towns, rampaging cyborgs, and desperate revenge quests.   It’s seemed rather far-fetched, particularly as not much has happened on that front.   Over the course of the story, we’ve had little bits of independent corroboration about the veracity of his story.  The town that he was born in was definitely erased from the map.  Yes, a cyborg is wanted in connection with the incident. 

But where is that guy? Does it have anything to do with the powered suit-flogging cyborgs seen early on the series? Does it have anything to do with the ‘glimpse behind the scenes’ chapter the manga offered us with Drive Knight (but no context as to how that glimpse fitted into the wider story)?  Come to that, where are all the cyborgs?

To start with, there are a lot of cyborgs of various sorts in OPM.  Quite a few moons ago, I wrote a bit about them, drawing a distinction between those who used parts to replace lost function and those who looked at it as a change of identity: “Is the Organization a Claw Analogue?”

 Chapter 125 has been surprisingly good about confirming some of what I surmised about cyborgs, but it’s brought some very good additional information!  On we go!

There are cyborgs; and then there are Cyborgs

Our ambassador through the world of cyborgs is new Neo Hero recruit Koko (Solitude), who modified his body for the world of cyborg fighting, only he was a little too successful and no one would bet on him.  We see him scanning various people and passing commentary on them.

The first to give him serious pause is Webigaza, who lost six months of life to getting her body modifications done -- no wonder she’s pissed off that her rival has self-destructed in the interim.

Koko is shaken by her having 71% of her body modified.

obsessive determination is terrifying to look at

Percentage body modification of the sort Koko is used to seeing, 30% maximum, you can do right here right here and now.  It’s equivalent to losing a leg and most of the other. Here and now, we can also do brain implants to control tremors or fits or some neurological conditions,  replace part of the heart, spine fusions, quite a few bits and pieces.  The sort of modifications Koko is used to seeing are very functional ones that make sense for someone looking to get an edge in fighting for money.  They’re also along the lines of what we’ve seen with One-Shotter or Death Gatling.

If you lose and replace all four limbs, that's 50% of your body modified. While quadruple amputees unfortunately exist IRL,  I don’t know if anyone has had the kind of money, physical fitness and pure grit to do that.  Nevertheless it’s not technically impossible. 60% sounds about right before you're now looking at breaking into the more vital parts of your body.  The point at which the risk involved just can't be justified in terms of restoring function or health. I’m emphasising that because I’m going to come back to this point.   He’s shaken because modifications that extensive aren’t about simply gaining an edge; they’re being willing to exchange serious bodily harm for serious power.  It says a lot about who Webigaza is.

Within the Hero Association, I think we do know a hero round about that 60% mark.  Jet Nice Guy comes to mind.  He sports an armored exterior, powerful artificial limbs (which will need internal reinforcement to not just rip up his body), but his innards are all human. After the way he started to bleed out after Nyan slashed him, I realised that the reason it looked like intestines when the Deep Sea King ripped him open is because they were... >.<  Sorry, dude. 

the worst of both worlds -- too modified to have an easy life, still too weak to deal with the real monsters that exist

Scary enough, but then the security staff come in to stop the kerfuffle that Koko and his buddy, Mars Leo, were causing.  Koko scanned them and was stunned into horror:

as disciplined and ruthless a pair of killers as you could never hope to lay eyes on.  Definitely not frothing at the mouth, these two!

These two have modified themselves so extensively they’re almost inhuman. 94, 95% body modification is equivalent to having only 3.5 - 4.2 kg of live mass left assuming an original live mass of 70 kg.  And, if the similar naming convention didn’t tip you off to it, it’s around the sort of hyper-extensive modification we see Genos having. [See under the readmore for a first-principles estimation I did a long time ago.]  Maybe Drive Knight too if he’s a cyborg.   What kind of power have they exchanged their human bodies for?  What kind of people are willing to do that to themselves? Koko is very sure that he does NOT want to know.

When he tells you who he is, believe him

That’s dating advice often given to ladies overlooking obvious red flags  but it goes with great force in OPM. ONE has characters tell us who they are early on, even if it doesn’t mean anything to us for a long time. 

And he’s had Genos be a particularly straightforward and truthful character.  He doesn’t always interpret things correctly, but he says it exactly as he sees it.  Looking at the way the high percentage cyborgs we’ve met thus far either be very inhuman looking or completely disguised as regular human beings,  he’s chosen an appearance that puts both his humanity and mechanical nature on display.

Something that the chapter has brought up that I've kept saying to people on the Discord and on Reddit: there is no medically justifiable reason for Genos to have a body as modified as he does.   Which Genos TELLS US for fuck’s sake.  His giant wall of text is a synopsis, no more and no less.

When he says that “...I asked Professor Kuseno to perform a procedure to modify my body. Then I was reborn as a cyborg for justice...”  (Viz)  “...I begged Dr Stench (sic) to transform me into a cyborg and I was reborn as a cyborg who fights for justice...” (Boon scanslations, who copied verbatim whoever did the webcomic version). It’s nothing to do with health.  Feel free to have whatever headcanons you like, but please don’t confuse them with the story.

But it doesn’t end there.  I look at Destro and Erimin and realise that there’s another perfectly truthful statement that’s been staring us in the face.

Genos knows. Why would he ask a mechanical engineer who uses a wearable battle suit and pilots armed drones to modify his body, let alone modify it to such an insane degree?  Because he knows that Dr Kuseno knows how to build cyborgs like the one who destroyed his town.

We don’t know if Destro and Erimin have any responsibility for the destroyed town, but someone of their ilk does.   Which brings us to a third nakedly truthful statement. When Genos talks of not believing that he could be defeated by anything other than the rampaging cyborg, he’s not anticipating winning because he’s suicidal.  It’s because he’s aware that if he’s throwing rock, so too is his enemy: mutual annihilation is the best he can hope for.

At least until he met Saitama. And started to hope for not mutual destruction, but victory (check the difference in chapter 108 of the webcomic).

a world away from the attitude of mutually-assured destruction he started with.

Stepping away from the text a bit, it casts a different light on why he’s been so desperate to learn from Saitama. Learning Saitama's secret is his balance-breaker. He wants something other than rock, that is guaranteed to smash whatever rock his enemy might throw.    But that’s not all there is.   As Garou said, once he discovered Blue Fire’s flamethrower, once you know how a freakish weapon works, you know it.  Any edge a new weapon might give Genos is liable to be studied and replicated  (see how quickly Dr Kuseno was able to reverse engineer and adapt the principles of G-4′s curving energy beams).   But Saitama’s strength is unphysical: no matter how closely you inspect his body, you can never relate the physicality of Saitama’s body to the power he can generate.  That unphysicality, that’s what Genos wants too.   It also puts in context why he’s been so fascinated by psychic power and wants to learn it if at all possible.

neat trick, I’ll take two!  Genos dodging G4′s beams in chapter 38, and putting the principle of them to good use in chapter 120

And finally, since in his world, knowledge is literally power, it gives yet another layered reason Genos is so determined to keep anyone else from becoming Saitama’s disciple.  If they learn his secret too, then the advantage he seeks will be lost.  (that it doesn’t work quite that way for Saitama is a fact for us to enjoy and for him to find out).

Nothing is as scary as a human being

Nothing is as scary as a human being is one of the things that Reigen says to Tome on occasion. It’s in full force in OPM.  Monsters may be strong, but they all live in the now.  Only a human being could have put together the Monster Association.   When it comes to cyborgs, their abilities may be inhuman but their thoughts, imaginations, morals and appetites are all 100% human.   It’s a terrifying combination.

There’s something I missed when I likened The Organization to a Claw Analogue. In Mob Psycho 100, the protagonists are children and they're fighting an organisation made up of over-grown children -- adults who have refused to grow up. In One-Punch Man, the protagonists are adults and the bad humans in the story are very much adults too.   With calculated cruelty and depravity to match. When The Organization bares its claws for real, this is going to get so brutal.

If Genos has not been standing still, then neither has his enemy.  From the manga, even if we hold Drive Knight blameless and independent of all this mess, his besting Nyan told us that cyborgs can indeed come crazy-strong and highlighted how much more work Genos had yet to do. It also highlighted how very clever and calculating cyborgs can be -- well, they’re human, duh!  If I was worried for his prospects then,  in the webcomic, Genos is nowhere near as psychologically, physically or emotionally ready as his manga version is.   And the guys who look to be his enemies aren’t going to be cutting him any slack.   They’re very real.  They’re not mad.  And they’re closer than he ever imagined.

Fighting monsters is barely adequate preparation for whatever it is that’s to come.

Whenever Genos gets dragged into whatever it is those cyborgs are up to  -- or runs into it, since he claims he’s still hunting the rampaging cyborg -- ‘rough’ doesn’t begin to describe it.

Extra Stuff

Edited from an answer I gave on Reddit to the question of how much of Genos was still organic about 2 years ago.  It’s unexpectedly relevant!

Short answer: by mass, under 10% , assuming he would have weighed  approximately 70 kg. By function, quite a bit.

 The long answer.

I’m going to write this starting from what is most readily observable and readily inferred to the least. In appreciation of this being a work of fiction that treats physical laws lightly, I too am taking a more-or-less approach and will keep technical terms to a minimum. I'm also not a medic and I don't play one on TV -- assume generous hand-wavium. Items in {curly brackets} are incidental notes you can skip.

Level 0: Canonically observable.  The least controversial observation is that Genos does have an organic brain. Genos does not live in a lab, but is able to live largely independently, including being able to eat whatever he likes with no ill-effect. Not just that, but he lives an active and hard-fighting life that appears to do him no permanent harm (I will return to this in a few paragraphs).  What can we take from this?

Edit: There is also ONE’s initial settings for Genos, which I quote here from the Hero Data Book

ONE: There's no need to visit Dr. Kuseno's place every time when his wrist break down, because he got his own spare parts at hand. Dr Kuseno's Lab is there In case for a big reparation job, a drastic upgrade or an examination.

It’s tempting to think that because we see that he definitely has a brain that’s all there is – the brain in a jar phenomenon, so to speak. Something a lot of people miss is that the spinal cord proper isn’t optional either -- it’s a core part of the central nervous system.  Spinal cords are a lot shorter than most people think they are, averaging 12 inches long for women and 15 inches for men.  The rest are nerve processes that can be cut and will regrow (within limits). We’re also happy to allow for nerves and their endings -- there must be an interface for the prosthetics so they're under the fine voluntary control that we see. However, that’s not all that there can be. The Cartesian mind-body duality is completely wrong when it comes to physiology. Our brains are intimately bound with our bodies and our bodies with our brains. So what does one need?

Level 1: Perfusion. This is the most obvious one. Without a blood supply providing oxygen, glucose and removing waste products from our brains, we have 4-5 seconds of consciousness available, 2-3 minutes in which we can escape brain damage and 8-10 minutes in which not to die. So, number one is a reliable blood supply.  Absolutely necessary therefore are a means of generating the various blood cells, perfusing and distributing them and disposing of damaged cells (red blood cells have a lifespan of 1-2 months). While not as acutely important, a self-sustaining blood supply is also the basis of a functioning immune system.  It's a bit of an oops moment when your super-killer cyborg catches a cold and dies.

Accordingly, bone marrow is essential as a source of hematopoietic (blood-forming) stem cells. A suitably reduced blood vessel and lymphatic vessel system is also needed to run the blood where it needs to go. {An awesome feature of living beings is that new blood vessels will be recruited to where they need to go and redundant branches pruned back, a process known as vascular remodelling}. A reduced liver and possibly spleen will be needed to appropriately destroy worn out blood cells. At least one functional kidney, in the role of producing the hormone erythropoietin, without which red blood cells will not be formed. Not essential: a heart and lungs, which he definitely doesn't have. How much blood is needed?  I’ll come to that answer once we’ve tallied how much body is needed.

Additionally, since part of perfusion is getting rid of metabolic waste, a liver and kidney will be absolutely indispensable.  

Level 2: Homoeostasis. A living organism has a very narrow range in which its internal environment, such as oxygen saturation, temperature, pH (acidity or alkalinity) amongst other things can vary without harm.

There are around 40 or so hormones, the signalling molecules that keep us going as functional concerns, regulating such things as blood pressure, salt/water balance, available energy, sleep cycle, body temperature, mood, immune system... the list goes on. Each has a stupid number of secondary functions and interacts with others in a ludicrous number of ways (note highly scientific language). Their levels vary and change on the order of seconds to hours. It's a good job that the main organiser of homoeostasis, the hypothalamus, is part of the brain. {Incidentally, this is why a brain-dead cadaver cannot be kept ‘alive’ on life support indefinitely – everything falls out of sync and eventually to pieces.} To do this artificially is to have your cyborg never leave the lab: if you're not constantly monitoring and adjusting levels, then they will die. Fortunately, as mentioned, a living, functional brain has the control network needed to keep everything working without the extensive and expensive effort. Just add air, water and food (in that priority).

At this point, we've already met most of the organs needed to maintain homoeostasis in their capacity of maintaining a blood supply. We need to add some bone, not just to serve as a niche (living environment) for the bone marrow and its stem cells mentioned previously but as a source and sink for minerals, the adrenal glands and the thyroid gland. Finally, one must not forget pancreatic islets -- or it'll be for nothing as he goes into a diabetic coma.

Level 3: Energy.   Speaking of food, a brain needs essential fatty acids for turnover and lots and lots of glucose for energy. It’s entirely possible to supply nutrients as total parenteral nutrion (TPN for short).  People whose digestive systems have completely failed get individually formulated TPN solutions, which requires that they spend several hours a day feeding it into their blood supply. Not something we see Genos do.  And yes, you heard it here: not everyone poops, but everyone sure as hell pees.  While a brain only weighs about 1.5 kg, it uses up about 500 calories a day as glucose, so 700 ish calories a day should suffice for all the needs of his live mass. This bears no relationship to the amount of food we see Genos put away on occasion. Why hasn’t he wrecked his liver in a matter of weeks? The answer would appear to lie in the artificial digestive system Dr. Kuseno has given him which turns food into biofuel. It must be patched into a feedback loop which allows it to only supply what’s physiologically necessary at any given time. Lucky for some!

Level 4: So how much body does that add up to exactly?  Nothing says you have to keep the necessary organs and blood vessel network the same size. With only a 1.5 kg brain to support, many can be shrunk a good 50% if not more. A total living mass of 7 kg would be quite feasible. We know from organ-on-a-chip experiments (and from unfortunate people who have lost part of their organs) that provided the essential architecture of the tissue is respected, they will work fine. Nothing says you have to keep them in the same place as the original organs were -- you can encapsulate it all in a can and shorten the nerves serving the organs to a more rational, manageable length. It's nice and compact and can be protected as heavily as the brain is.

Now we’re in a position to answer how much blood Genos has. There are about 70 ml of blood per kilogram of body weight, so at ~ 7 kg, we’re talking about 500 ml of blood. For comparison, the typical 70 kg person has 5 litres of blood. Why does this matter?  Because it allows us to answer a question many may be curious about: how often does Genos get hurt?

The answer is: Almost Never. With so little body, and with most of that body consisting of aptly named vital organs, even small injuries can turn catastrophic in no time.  Genos will bleed out with around 150 ml of blood loss, which is less than half of what is donated in a typical blood donation.  Horrible and dramatic as the smashes he gets into are, it’s more akin to a Formula 1 race car tumbling end over end and catching fire, only for the driver to walk out unscathed.  His cyborg parts are replaceable and can be sacrificed to protect what’s irreplaceable if need be.

[snow-lavender]

The Last Day of Mediocrity

AKA, “Enter Marvin, Stage Left.”

Word count: 2382

Here’s a little ditty I like to call: Whoopsie, completely forgot to put these on Tumblr so now I’m posting three chapters in rapid succession. This is my take on Marvin’s creation, hope you enjoy!

AO3 Link Here

Marvin O’Sullivan paced around his apartment, talking animatedly on the phone. “It was great, you shoulda seen the kid’s face! I think Luke took a video of it. And we made so much cash, I’m gonna make my rent and then some this winter.”

“So what I’m hearing is ‘I had a great time, Emily, thank you for convincing me to go even though I was being a stubborn brat.” replied the phone.

Marvin rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah, I’m sorry for being a dick about it. But c’mon, cut me some slack! This was my first time leaving the country.”

“Well, that’s the kind of shit that happens when you’re homeschooled.”

“I’m not disagreeing.” Marvin snorted. He sat down on his sofa and started flipping through a book. “Really, Em, thank you for letting me take your spot.”

“Eh, don’t worry about it.” she said. “Gotta keep the talent fresh, am I right? Seems like it did you some good.”

“Yeah, it did. I got so inspired by the other performers there, I gotta jot some of these ideas down. Talk to you soon?”

“Sure will. Bye Marv.”

“Bye Em.” 

Marvin hung up the phone and slumped back into the couch. He summoned his notebook and started writing.

quick change?

Art on stage for ambience ambiance

More riffing w/ audience

kid orented set?

balancing shit

Amethyst out of juice

Need more rosemary

Flashier teleportation: saltpeter, indigo? got a theme

buy coffee

Small flames

↑LOTS OF PRACTICE↑

Aura residue on cards 

After a few minutes of brainstorming, he put down the notepad. If he was going to get

anything done, he needed to do some shopping. Which then lead to the hardest decision of any day. 

What to do about his face. 

He fiddled with the crude mask in his hands. Deal with disgust, or deal with disapproval? There was, of course, no good option. Either way people were going to stare at him. And normally he loved the attention. Hell, it was why he chose a career as a busker. But then, it was okay to be wearing a marker-covered mask from Poundland. At Tesco, not so much.

His hands automatically went to his cheek. Even after five years, the skin was scarred and rough. He remembered the doctor saying it would be that way for the rest of his life, never fully healing.

The flames around him grew higher as he screamed, Ma, please, help me! 

He stopped that train of thought right in its tracks. He was better off now. He was a fairly successful performer, he was providing for himself. He had coworkers who respected him, and people at the local coven who said he was the most talented wizard they’d seen in years. Hell, he even went to Pride in Dublin last month! Everything in his life was flying in the face of those assholes.

He was strong. He was accomplished. He was magnificent.

“Fuck it.”, he muttered, pulling the mask over his face.

Today, he was going to be who he wanted, general public be damned.

>=•=•=•=•=•=•=•=•=•=•=•=•=•=•=•=<

A few hours later, he returned to his flat, arms full of bags. He hung his mask up and shoved the door closed with his hip, making a beeline for his kitchen. The green light from the orb reflected off some of the cans and into his face, so he put those away first. Then he threw the beef in the fridge, restocked the butter, and shit, he was almost out of jam. Why didn’t he notice that this morning?

Finished with the groceries, he closed the pantry and grabbed the other bags. The more volatile plants would need to be stored carefully to prevent reactions, and he needed to grab some iron shavings for that new potion, and-

Wait.

Green glowing orb?

Marvin turned toward the TV, confused. Sure enough, there was a strange sphere floating above his sofa.

What the hell?!

He backed himself slowly into the wall. Thankfully, it didn’t react, but he still moved very carefully toward the hall. As soon as he figured he was out of its line of sight, he ran into his bedroom and slammed the door shut. 

“Okay, okay, calm down.” he whispered. He couldn’t think of any recent spells that could have caused...that.

Which meant this was something else. An intruder?

He ran for his bookshelf. Panicking, he pulled out the largest book he could find and started flipping through it. “No... no...no, come on!” He dropped that one and grabbed another. Halfway through it, he found the section on wards. “Okay, okay, weak, strong, proactive.. ...reactive!”. Silently cheering, he went over the spell in his head. Nothing too complex, just some clove and mugwort. He dogeared the page, grabbed those herbs, and left his room.

The orb was still there.

Marvin cursed and laid the supplies in front of him. He opened the book and started to cast the spell. 

“Cruinne beannaithe, iarr mé do chumhacht. Moladh dom neart agus rath a thabhairt dom.”

Purple energy began to swirl around him. He relaxed, but then noticed the other light source was growing brighter.

“Bacainn a chur in aghaidh olc. Cosain an teach seo ó dhaoine ar mian leo dochar a dhéanamh orm!”

His voice grew louder with fear. The things should have been weakening by now! He squinted, the light making it harder to read. 

“Iarr mé go héasca-”

Just as he reached the climax of the spell, the light became overpowering. He dropped the book to cover his face, and his magic vanished. He could feel power swirling around him, foreign and uncomfortable. It grew brighter and more stifling, making him cry out, until suddenly there was a flash, and everything disappeared.

Including himself.

>=•=•=•=•=•=•=•=•=•=•=•=•=•=•=•=<

Several miles away, he crashed to the floor. “Shit, shit, shit.” he muttered, scrambling for his spellbook. If he was quick, he could whip up a teleport before anyone noticed he was here-

“Uhh…”

Marvin whipped around. Standing in a doorway was a dumbfounded teenager, holding a steaming mug. He froze, still on his knees, grasping the book. “Hi….?” continued the teen.

Marvin was on his feet in a second. “I don’t know who you are, but let me go, now, and no one will get hurt.” he snarled. The other guy took a step back. “What? Let you go? You’re the one who materialized in my cousin’s flat!”

Marvin lowered his hands. “You didn’t summon me here?” he asked. “Then what was that light in my living room?”

“Light?” the kid repeated. He perked up. “Like a green, glowy orb thing?” 

Marvin nodded. “Okay, great!” the other said. “I mean, not super great, cause I bet you’re confused as hell, but that explains a lot!” He fished a phone out of his hoodie pocket. “I’ll text Seán. He’ll need a few minutes to stop recording, but then he can help you figure stuff out. You’re probably Marvin, right?”

Marvin bristled. “How do you know my name?” he hissed.

Kid shrugged. “It’s kinda complicated.” He held out a hand. “I’m Jackie. You want anything to drink? There’s still hot water in the kettle, I think.”

“Sure.” he replied, shaking Jackie’s hand warily. Marvin followed him into the kitchen, not wanting to let this stranger out of his sight. “You cast the spell that pulled me here, then?”

“Pfft, nah.” Jackie snorted. “I can’t do magic. Not traditionally, anyhow. That’s Seán’s scene.” He pulled another mug out of the cupboard. “Earl grey cool?”

“And Seán is your...cousin? The one who owns the flat?” Marvin guessed, leaning against the wall.

“Eehhh…”Jackie replied. “Technically no? He’s got custody of me, but we’re not...exactly...related. At all.”

“Then why..?”

“So we may have fudged the papers a bit. But hey, no harm done, right?”

Marvin stared at him. “And you’re just telling me, a random stranger, this? Not a great way to stay in his custody.”

Jackie shrugged, pouring more tea. “You’re gonna be living with us anyway, so why not?”

“Wait, what the hell?” Marvin stood up suddenly. “How did you get to that conclusion?”

“Shit.” Jackie replied. “I didn’t mean it like that. I mean, usually people like us stick together. I think. I’m still the first one here, but with the others, it seemed like-” he stopped. “Marvin, you okay?”

Marvin wasn’t listening. What the fuck did he mean by that? He’d said he wasn’t trapping him here! He hadn't felt any wards when he’d got here, but Jackie had acted like he wasn’t leaving. How was he so calm about this? His chest was tightening. Was it darker magic that had brought him here? Was this Seán dude a warlock, had he brainwashed this kid? He couldn’t breathe. He didn’t want any exposure to corrupt magic. The last time that had happened…

What the hell are you talking about? Please, just help me!

“Hey, Marvin, dude.”

Marvin’s head snapped up. When had he sat on the floor?

Jackie knelt next to him. “You back with me?” he asked.

“Y-yeah.” Marvin stuttered, accepting Jackie’s help as he stood up.

Jackie nodded. “Great. You really spaced out there for a sec.”

Marvin rubbed at his face. “Sorry, I-” he stiffened. He didn’t have his mask.

Jackie backed up as Marvin started looking around frantically. “You need something or…”

“My mask. Did you see where it fell?” 

Jackie shook his head. “I didn’t see any mask.”

“I need it.” Marvin insisted. He hated how standoffish he sounded, but this was important.

Jackie bit his lip. “I can go look, if that would help.”

“I need it.” Marvin repeated. “People are going to see.” See...see…

But Jackie had already seen his face. He hadn't been wearing it when the orb had shown up.

“Yeah, I got nothing.” Jackie said, returning to the kitchen. When had he left?

“Never mind.” Marvin said shortly.

“Are you sure? It sounded important-”

“Just drop it.” Marvin, pushing Jackie aside.

Jackie looked lost. “Oookay?” Then his phone dinged. “Oh! Seán’s finished recording. He’ll be down in a sec.”

Right. Fuck.

Marvin turned back to the living room. “So what exactly is going on?” he asked as they sat on the couch. His hands twitched, ready to cast at any moment. 

“What did you need Jackie?” a new voice said. 

Marvin turned. Standing in the hall was a man a few years older than him, maybe 25? He looked confused, but that changed to shock when he saw Marvin. “Oh.”

“Tada…” Jackie said, doing jazz hands in Marvin’s direction. He stopped when Marvin glared at him. “Where the hell am I?” he demanded, standing up. “He says you pulled me here. What the fuck do you want?” His hands glowed purple. 

Seán raised his hands. “Calm down man. No one’s going to hurt you.”

Marvin’s eyes narrowed. “Explain. Now.” 

“You know what a tulpa is?” 

“Yeah, so?”

“Okay, so, as far as I can tell, sometimes the universe tries to make tulpas based on characters I do, but it gets lazy and just pulls someone similar here instead.”

Marvin stared at him in disbelief. “What?”

“Look, I don’t get it either. Jackie can vouch for me though, he got pulled here when I did a superhero character last month.” The teen waved nervously.

“What, and you think I’m like that? I’m human, not preternatural. Don’t pull that ‘magicians are a different race’ shit, that got disproven in the seventies.”

Seán pulled a face. “Hell no. I’m just trying to make an analogy. Nothing really fits with this situation.”

“Just...okay, fine, I’ll go along with this. For now.” Marvin said, rubbing at his face.

Seán stuck out a hand. “I’m Seán McLoughlin. Nice to meet you.”

Marvin shook it. “Marvin O’Sullivan.”

“Wait, wait?” Seán pulled back. “Holy shit, I haven’t seen you since we were kids! How have you been?”

“Huh?” Marvin squinted at him. Then it clicked. “Jack!?”

Seán beamed. “Yeah! Man, of all people...it’s good to see you.”

“Wait, you two know each other?” Jackie interrupted. 

“The McLoughlins used to be some of the strongest magic users out there. My parents wanted connections, so we used to hang out.” Marvin explained.

“Yeah, I was the only kid in our family around his age, so we’d play together when the adults were talking.”

Marvin looked Seán up and down. He seemed to be doing pretty well for himself. He was almost as energetic and happy as he had been when they were kids. And if that hadn’t changed, well, he didn't seem like the type to deal with shady magic.

“Alright then. What was it you were saying about tulpas?”

>=•=•=•=•=•=•=•=•=•=•=•=•=•=•=•=<

Marvin stared out the window of the bus. Thankfully, Seán had paid for his fare back to Galway, since he’d left his wallet in his flat. He’d be back to his place by midnight.

This was a lot to process. Meeting someone from his childhood like that, well, it had brought a lot back up. Stuff he’d rather keep buried. He’d burned most of those bridges, and the rest had been burned for him. Now, a lot of the wreckage from those fires was coming to light.

Oh yeah, and the whole “figment of the imagination” thing. That was a lot to take in too.

Still, it was nice to see Jack again. 

Marvin looked down at his phone. Seán had given him his number if they needed to get back in touch. 

Of all the people he used to be close to, Jack was probably the least asshole-y. Maybe talking to him more would be nice. Especially since they had similar backgrounds.

The drive to Athlone was short enough that he could travel it for a weekend.

He opened the texting app.

From: M. O’Sullivan

To: S. McLoughlin

M.O.: Hey, could I come back up in a few days? I’d like to hang out more.

A few moments later, the phone dinged with a reply.

S.M.: Sure thing! :) 

[dreamingofmidnight]

I posted 3,427 times in 2021

29 posts created (1%)

3398 posts reblogged (99%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 117.2 posts.

I added 1,644 tags in 2021

#0 - 92 posts

#doctor who - 416 posts

#hitman - 254 posts

#spoilers sweetie - 227 posts

#lol - 208 posts

#resi village - 135 posts

#omg - 105 posts

#amazing - 76 posts

#dimitrescu - 68 posts

#kitties - 63 posts

Longest Tag: 86 characters

#to resign herself to death by aging from weeping angel touch is a bit out of character

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

THOUGHTS on: since when are Sontarans this tall?

- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH EVERYTHING HAPPENS SO MUCH

- Yaz please ‘what would the Doctor do’ you’re gonna get yourself killed but aww that was a kinda cute and kinda sad moment.

- Apparantly Sontarans are santa now (sontar-ho? really?)

- LUPAR TO THE RESCUE

- Dan has parents! Wonder if we’ll see Yaz’ at any point this series.

- Sontaran really went ‘and I wanted to ride a horse’ as a reason for the crimean war.

- Re: the dude in charge of the human army: I hate you and all you stand for.

- YAZ NO

- Well she is either gonna die a very painful death or Become More Than Human. My bet is on the latter.

- Vinder is so Yaz’ descendant or something. IDK why I think that but I got that vibe and it will not let me go.

- Please fix the TARDIS I do not want her to die :(

14 notes • Posted 2021-11-07 19:26:28 GMT

#4

THOUGHTS on Tecteun is a bitch and calling herself the Doctors mother while she experimented on them is a thing I wanna hit her for

- TECTEUN??!??!?!??!?!?!?!

- Well that went places I did not expect.

- Yaz being capable while Dan and Jericho kept messing up was amazing, go competent Yaz!

- ‘KARVANISTA, FETCH YOUR HUMAN’ I love it.

- Bel and Vinder almost caught up to each other but then they didn’t and it hurt why am I shipping this so hard.

- Vinder getting caught on purpose to save Diane was nice although very risky.

- KATE. And I was very worried they brought her back just to die but they didn’t so yay!

- What the fuck is up with the snake guy why can he make literal alien snakes to murder people with why are people in my servers still calling him Brax?

- WHO ARE THESE EVIL CRYSTALS WHAT IS THEIR GOAL THEY MURDERED TECTEUN SO EASILY

- IS MY THEORY CORRECT IS THE DOCTOR TECHNICALLY A CRYSTAL PERSON AND ARE THEY ON A GIANT RESCUE MISSION

- HER MEMORIES ARE THERE FUCK TECTEUN AGAIN FOR THAT TORTURE AND MAKING HER CHOOSE BETWEEN THE UNIVERSE AND THEM also the ood should’ve heard them this is telepathy stuff and the ood are telepathic unless I totally misread the fobwatches.

- WHY IS THERE THE EQUIVALENT OF A TARDIS UNDER LIVERPOOL 1904 HOW DID THE GUY GET IN IS THE ENTIRE EARTH JUST A TARDIS NOW.

14 notes • Posted 2021-11-28 19:36:52 GMT

#3

THOUGHTS on holy shit more than a decade how is she not losing it

- 13 is definitely losing it

- No seriously seeing daleks and then calling other daleks to get rid of them? Luring the daleks into a fucking TARDIS and then destroying that TARDIS (which is alive by the way, we shouldn’t forget that) is just... she’s lucky things didn’t go spectacularly wrong.

- That said, that talk with Ryan. She’s finally acknowledging things are shitty, and just talking with people. Lets just hope she continues this trend with Yaz, instead of Ryan and Graham leaving making her clam up again.

- I am glad Ryan and Graham chose to leave and didn’t die. That at least helps.

- Oh Leo no you shouldn’t have fucked with things you didn’t understand I am so sorry this happened to you.

- Cheeto clone should have died and I am kinda mad at Jack for saving him. yes I know it’s bad to wish someone dead but seeing him get a commendation after he was an asshole and created daleks and then sided with the daleks fucked me up and I’m gonna read the fic where 13 calls UNIT to get him arrested now to feel less fucked up

- Jack spent a lot of time talking about being immortal and not actually showing his immortality. That said, nice references to Gwen and the Doctor as a man and kinda Rose too but I am so done with Rose being everywhere people let it go

- Who is John Bishop and why is he in my Doctor Who trailer instead of, lets say, a release date?

36 notes • Posted 2021-01-01 20:41:48 GMT

#2

THOUGHTS on WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED WEEPING ANGELS WHAT THE HELL

- DID THEY REALLY JUST TURN THE DOCTOR INTO A WEEPING ANGEL

- WHAT THE FUCK HOW THE FUCK I’M WHAT

- Weeping Angels being evolved time lords confirmed I guess?!?!!

- Weeping Angel Doctor looks pretty but FUCKING HELL SHE’S A WEEPING ANGEL NOW?!?!?!!???!?!

ok Rose calm down you got a post to make

- I sort of called the old lady being the missing girl, possibly glad to have that confirmed?

- Yaz forgetting about the barrier being deadly and running for the Doctor just... how is this ship not canon yet

- I was so hoping for the angel in Claire’s mind to be a good one! and then I sort of got it confirmed! But then it betrayed all of us!!!!!

- That mid-credits scene was sweet and Bel forgetting about the coordinates was also sweet and just... I hope they find each other. also I knew something was up with the credits when the normal announcer didn’t come in to talk over them and was sort of hoping it was gonna be a scene in which they undid what they did to the Doctor but nope

- Kate! Kate Stewart! KATE IS BACK! And she’s meeting who many of the people from the Doctor Who discord servers I’m on are calling Brax! Things! Happenings! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

36 notes • Posted 2021-11-21 19:40:46 GMT

#1

Dan: I’ve known the Doctor for less than a day

Dan: ...

Dan: LETS SNEAK ON BOARD OF A SONTARAN SHIP

150 notes • Posted 2021-11-07 19:17:46 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[hgfstreamchats]

Leo the Lion

Starscreamapillar: Greetings. Knock Out: Evening, Starscream. Starscreamapillar: A bit of light comedy before the horror sets in? Knock Out: We'll be needing it. Starscreamapillar: That's ominous. thenightetc: Hello! Knock Out: Hello, night human! thenightetc: ...Why was he naked in the first place? Knock Out: Korean spa. Unless you find it funnier without context. Knock Out: In which case, no one knows. thenightetc: Ahhhh. Starscreamapillar: . . . . . Knock Out: Understand that I couldn't *not* show this. Starscreamapillar: You are a terrible mech. Knock Out: Thank you! Knock Out: Alright, time for Leo. thenightetc: Well. thenightetc: "Is a cannibal" thenightetc: Oh Starscreamapillar: Oh, this does not bode well at all.

thenightetc: Uh. thenightetc: Look at him, he's malnourished Knock Out: Hideously so! Starscreamapillar: And then she died. thenightetc: Long live the king. Knock Out: Hah! Starscreamapillar: So he died of dehydration. Knock Out: But not before going blind from taurine deficiency! thenightetc: And HE'S malnourished, too. thenightetc: Not really. thenightetc: You can have predation, or you can have famine and disease. Knock Out: The antelope already looks disease ridden. thenightetc: oh my god Knock Out: None of us will ever be free. Starscreamapillar: Why? Why did you do this to us? thenightetc: Because elephants have doctors Knock Out: And aren't headed by the females anymore, apparently. thebes: Hello! Whoa, what's this now Knock Out: A disaster. thenightetc: It's about a vegetarian lion. Starscreamapillar: I am fairly certain elephants are not hunted by helicopter. thebes: deeelightful thebes: this looks like a terrible video game screen cap Knock Out: And as to why I'm doing this, that's an excellent question. Starscreamapillar: I sure do enjoy the flashbacks to 20 seconds ago. Knock Out: ... Knock Out: Anyway! thebes: eh, at least it's not Strawinsky and the Mysterious House thenightetc: He's AFRAID of water? thebes: apparently! Starscreamapillar: The water killed his incompetant mother. thenightetc: Oh, right. thenightetc: Alligators can come out of the water Knock Out: Shove. thenightetc: Quick question, is the movie shipping the lion and the elephant Starscreamapillar: And now a fire. thenightetc: Pfff, he's not going to die.  He's the narrator thenightetc: They were born like five minutes ago, how do they even know what a "daddy" is? Knock Out: And that a normal family just *demands* they have one. Starscreamapillar: You are asking complicated questions from a movie that seems to have been written by a three year old. thebes: this sure is how animals work Knock Out: Just take the children into the unforgiving desert. thenightetc: So he's basically kidnapping these babies thebes: There are real lions who adopt members of prey species but... they still eat meat Knock Out: Breakdown and Impact want to make sure everyone knows that that's the voice of McCree. thenightetc: Yikes. Starscreamapillar: Hopefully he was paid well for this nonsense. thenightetc: Oh my god Starscreamapillar: I am going to bet that he ends up shot by the end of the movie. thenightetc: We can hope. thenightetc: What thenightetc: Really, what? Starscreamapillar: No one knows. Knock Out: Oh please, no. Starscreamapillar: Why did this become a musical? Why? thebes: and why in such rapid succession thebes: at least space out the awful! thenightetc: "friends", i.e. one friend and five babies Knock Out: Five kidnapped babies, no less! thenightetc: I'm rooting for the cheetah to eat the monkey Knock Out: Back towards the jungle, where their parents are? Nonsense! thebes: honestly more predation in general would make this movie more interesting thenightetc: Annnd, end of the movie Starscreamapillar: If only. thenightetc: He's dead, very sad, we can stop watching these.... uh, credits. Knock Out: Maybe he would have been strong enough to crawl back up if he ate meat. thebes: his design is so weird, it's like someone made a whippet a lion costume thenightetc: Turtles don't have teeth, by the way thenightetc: Since they keep showing us them Knock Out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6sM8pDH-HMc Knock Out: He's essentially this. Starscreamapillar: Yes. thenightetc: ha! thebes: "You're vegetarians, who cares what you do" is a VERY appropriate reaction to this movie Knock Out: Isn't it though? thenightetc: oh my god thebes: THAT'S HOW WINGS WORK thenightetc: Hey, hummingbirds can hover!  That means every bird can, right? thebes: Sounds legit! thenightetc: Bah, let him go thenightetc: Sleep it off. Starscreamapillar: . . . . Why? Knock Out: Why any of this? Starscreamapillar: -You- did this to us. thenightetc: Have we... offended you somehow? Starscreamapillar: They are going to steal that zebra's milk. Knock Out: Suffering together builds character. thenightetc: I don't think a zebra would have enough milk for two elephants Knock Out: ...Alright. this is horrifying. Starscreamapillar: Bring back the sex robot. It was much less disturbing. thebes: YOU ARE BOTH KIDNAPPERS, YOU DON'T GET A SYMPATHY MOMENT Knock Out: And you assaulted a mother zebra and held her daughter hostage in exchange for a crack at her udder. You're monsters. Knock Out: Leo needs to be digitally replaced with the sex robot. thebes: that'd definitely be a better movie Starscreamapillar: So the sex robot can kidnap infant animals? thenightetc: That sure is how rainbows work. Knock Out: Yes. Starscreamapillar: Perhaps the heart of the jungle is another euphamism for heaven, like with the dinosaurs. He killed them all. thenightetc: They're all hallucinating from hunger. thenightetc: Oh no. thenightetc: Protector. thenightetc: Really. thebes: right? thebes: her rhythm is awful Starscreamapillar: It just doesn't stop. Knock Out: It's a crater. Starscreamapillar: She did not say all that while falling over a cliff. thenightetc: "Just like I stole them! Knock Out: Hah! Knock Out: That sure is how post-traumatic triggers work. thenightetc: So, when Savanna gets there.... thenightetc: looking for her kids......... Starscreamapillar: They're all dead. Knock Out: Dead in the lake of mercury. thenightetc: Is that milk? Knock Out: In the original Italian version, apparently. thebes: CHEETAHS DON'T LIVE IN THE JUNGLE Starscreamapillar: They don't live in milk caves, either. thenightetc: He saida  BIG elephant thenightetc: "my babies" Starscreamapillar: Kill him. thenightetc: Eat him. thenightetc: But he's narrating. thebes: Eat him. Give his death more meaning than this entire movie has. thenightetc: He would have wanted it that way. Starscreamapillar: Otherwise the vultures will eat his remains. Starscreamapillar: Did she just raise the dead? thenightetc: I guess so. thenightetc: Or he was just asleep. thenightetc: Wow. Starscreamapillar: He demands it. thenightetc: He should have brought the antelope thenightetc: He actually SAW it Knock Out: The antelope can't even make up his mind whether he was captured or killed. thenightetc: You wanna fight the whole herd at once? Starscreamapillar: The herd is cowards. thenightetc: Guess so. Starscreamapillar: I called it. thenightetc: Heh. thenightetc: Uh. thenightetc: I called that but I'm not happy about it. thenightetc: "You're such a good dad, let's have horrible mutant babies together" thebes: okay, I have to ask, how is organic a descriptor here. What could they possibly have that's not organic in the WILD. thenightetc: Technically, salt thenightetc: Who did they kill fo rthat? thenightetc: Cheese?! thenightetc: Ice cream? Starscreamapillar: He did not say vegan. thenightetc: But where are they GETTING it? thebes: that song did NOT have to be that long Knock Out: The same place they're getting hot fudge, apparently. thenightetc: ...Also, stir-fry. thenightetc: How are the animals cooking things. Starscreamapillar: They made a terrible little camp fire. thenightetc: And where are they getting oil and utensils? Starscreamapillar: You are assuming they are using those. thenightetc: You need oil to fry things. Knock Out: It's not the most awful mystery this movie poses. thenightetc: Right, that's reserved for the elephion children. Starscreamapillar: Indeed. Thank you again for hosting Knock Out, it was just awful. I can look on my own broken reality with a better perspective now. thenightetc: Yes, thank you for.... showing us this. thebes: I choose to believe this was all a hunger hallucination from the lion and no one was kidnapped or blackmailed over the diet that should have killed him thenightetc: Maybe someone's been secretly feeding him meat in his sleep. Knock Out: I blame the antelope. Knock Out: And it was my pleasure. Immense pleasure. thenightetc: We'll get you for this, don't worry. thenightetc: *get you something nice Starscreamapillar: You are just terrible. thenightetc: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=97CRwd_U2FU Starscreamapillar: You cannot force me to watch that. Knock Out: DEAR UNICRON. thenightetc: :) thenightetc: You Were Warned. thenightetc: And now we all know what happened barely offscreen in-between Savanna lying down and the elephant babies appearing. Knock Out: Just fountains and fountains of it. thebes: nature: endless questions you don't really want answered thenightetc: Well!  On that note, goodnight.  And thanks for hosting! Knock Out: Goodnight, everyone! thebes: good night!

[sirenscenarios]

Steel Hearts [part 3]

so it has been almost a year and a half since I’ve posted anything new with this one and I am horribly sorry for that ... the first third of this part has been sitting in my drafts pretty much the entire time :/ ... a lot of stuff has come up and this series (and the corresponding one with Ken - and the other boys have their own storylines as well that have yet to be written - they’re all plotted out so if you’re curious feel free to ask) has gotten sort of pushed aside ... here’s the next part of the series ... I hope you enjoy and it is perhaps the smallest bit worth the wait? .... I hope you all are having a good day / night! :) ... feel free to drop a message in the askbox or chat about whatever ... 

~ admin leader 

[ part one ]  [ part two ] 

Reader x Taekwoon

2,422 Words

Drama / Sci-fi / AU

You watched as a dark haired man limped into the room before Ken rushed over and helped him to a table that was surrounded with various tools. “I told you the adjustments would need to be tested out before you were back to taking on the races. I don't know why you let Hyuk talk you into those stupid bets.” Ken fussed at the guy as he went about gathering tools and such before pulling up a stool and pulling up the guy's pants leg.

“What bets are you talking about? I thought I told you both that Sanghyuk was to stay out of your reckless adrenaline junkie races and such?” Iris stood and stalked over to the pair, and you watched as both men cringed away from her. She hit the other guy on the arm and grabbed the back of Ken's neck in a hold. “What exactly was the challenge this time? And where is that little shit, I'm going to set him straight.” She turned to the other man with a glare. “And don't tell me it was rooftop jumping again. Because you know you have an advantage, but he's stubborn enough to do it anyways.”

You watched in amusement as the other guy seemed to almost try to shrink away from Iris. “It wasn't jumping. At least it didn't-” He let out a small yelp of pain when she hit him again. “I made sure he wouldn't get hurt, Iris. I promised you-”

Iris had turned to walk over to a cabinet along the other wall and pulled out a few things before walking back over and tossing some in the other guy's lap. “Wash your face. I'll deal with you after I take care of Star's ankle.” She glanced to Ken with a look you knew was speaking some secret comment between them. “Just make sure I didn't spend all that time looking after this buffoon for him to get caught or die. Maybe we should put a tracker in him so we can keep him from running off.”

Ken burst out laughing and reached to lightly graze his fingers with hers as she started back towards you, before he turned back to the other guy and started unscrewing things on his leg. “Maybe I should make him a shock collar to go with it. Even put a tag on the front with 'Ravi' engraved on it.”

Iris laughed as she knelt down in front of you and started to wrap a cloth around your ankle. You had been watching the interaction a bit curiously, trying to understand the dynamic and how exactly you were going to get back to safety and hopefully keep you and your sister out of the detainment centers. You weren't sure about staying with the rebels, especially given the fact that there had just been a large scale sweep called for again. Although it looked like you were stuck here for the moment.

The main worry about staying here wasn't yourself exactly. You were more worried about your what would happen to your sister. She had been your first thought for the last several years since your parents' disappearances. Iris had finished wrapping your ankle and you could tell just by how it felt that you were going to be practically immobile for the next several days. You would have to trust the rebels to bring your sister here safely. There was no other alternative it seemed.

Without thinking about it, you found yourself staring at the guy they had called Ravi, trying to figure out how out how he was going to get your sister. He seemed to be nearly covered in tattoos with several droid limbs as well. All together he looked intimidating and someone you had warned your sister about. And while you knew she could take care of herself in a fight if something were to happen (as you had made sure of it after your parents disappeared), you also didn't want her to have any reason to fight.

Ravi ducked his head, a light blush creeping over his face. “How long are you going to stare? I mean, is there a reason you're staring?”

Ken burst out laughing before Iris covered his mouth with her hand. “Stop, the lot of you. I'm sure Star is nervous about her sister, and probably in a bit of pain from her ankle. We just set N to charge so it will be a few hours before he's back to help, but I can give you some medicine and you can try to sleep?”

“N will be charged again soon, love.” Ken's voice was softer as he moved to lightly rest his hand on her shoulder. They seemed to be having a silent conversation again and you turned your head as she flinched before leaning into the embrace that Ken pulled her into. You weren't sure what exactly was wrong with Iris, but watching the two of them interact made your chest tighten.

“Ravi can get your sister. He's completely safe. So there's no reason to worry.” You turned to Leo, having almost forgotten about the enforcement droid who had been sitting silently beside you. “Is there anything he should know to help get your sister to come with him?”

“Uhm, if it will put you at ease, I have a younger sister myself. She's ..” Ravi trailed off and absently wiped at his face with the towel Iris had tossed at him.

You saw Leo flinch out of the side of your eye and turned to him with a slight raise of your eyebrow, but rather than meeting the droid’s eyes, he had his eyes and head tilted down. That confused you even more.

“Here you go. This should help.” You glanced back to see Iris holding a small cup and bottle of water with a small smile. “It’s just a simple pain medication. It should help you to relax.”

“I’ll be finished with Ravi’s leg in just a moment. It wasn’t anything serious. Then Ravi and Leo can go get your sister. You can rest in one of the spare bedrooms.” Ken didn’t look up from where he had moved to sit back in front of Ravi. “Just a few simple basic adjustments and then he should be good to go.”

Ravi scoffed with a slight hint of a smile. “You do remember that this is technically my place? You can’t just throw around rooms and such without my permission.” Ravi turned to face you again. “You can take one of the spare bedrooms. Iris can show you which ones are free. I think there’s even a pair of rooms that are connected, if you were worried about your sister.”

You turned to him, trying to give him a smile and nod of thanks. They didn’t have to be as kind to you as they were being. A little voice in the back of your head warned you that they were going to try and get something from you. That there were ulterior motives. You tried to push those thoughts aside and just mumbled a soft ‘thank you’ before opening the bottle of water and taking the medication that Iris had given you. Because as much as you might hate to admit it, your ankle had started to really hurt again.

Ken’s voice caught your attention again as he stood and held out a hand to Ravi to help pull him up. “Okay, test it out. But don’t do anything crazy. And you can’t have any more of the races with Hyuk for at least a month.” Ken blanched at the look Iris turned and gave him before he corrected himself. “I mean, ever. No more races. Nope. None.”

You couldn’t keep from chuckling slightly at how easily he had been chastised and corrected by Iris. Their dynamic intrigued you. It was obvious they cared deeply for each other, the looks on their faces towards each other were more than enough proof of that. But unlike most of the other relationships that you had seen, aside from your parents’ relationship, it was generally the male who had the power and say in things. Theirs was obviously different.

“Okay, I think you’re all set. Be careful this time. I don’t want to keep building new limbs for you. I do have other things to work on, you know?” The teasing in Ken’s voice contradicted the harsh words, and Ravi seemed to be more than accustomed to this as he just rolled his eyes with a nod.

“Yes, of course. Your precious work.”

Iris hit him on the arm with a frown. “Half of your body is his ‘precious work’ so I would be grateful if I were you.” Ravi flinched back slightly, nodding in an almost hurried way as she stared at him for a moment. Iris turned back to you with a small smile. “You said something about a special knock?”

You nodded quickly, having nearly forgotten that you had yet to share the secret that you had come up with as yet another way to try to keep your sister safe. “Yes, of course. You have to know the secret knock when you tell her that I sent you to pick her up. She’s been taught not to trust people. Especially anyone who wants to take her somewhere.” You couldn’t stop sending a quick glance to Leo, who’s face blushed slightly. “After you say that I’ve sent you to pick her up, you need to do this.” You proceeded to tap out the knock on the table that you were sitting on before glancing between Ravi and Leo. “Don’t say anything in between or wait for a response from her. She’s been told to stay silent and hidden if anyone knocks, at least until they do the secret knock.” 

You glanced between the two of them again, making sure that they were both paying attention. “When you get to the door, knock like regular, tell her I sent you to pick her up, and then repeat the secret knock. It might take a few moments for her to come to the door, but when she opens it, whisper her name and use mine when you tell her to open the door. Her name is Selene. Don’t stand out in the hallway too long. If anyone sees you, it won’t be good.” You sighed, trying not to let the idea of leaving your sister’s fate in the hands of complete strangers overwhelm you too much. “Now, repeat the knock back to me.”

You glanced between the two of them, waiting to see who would be the first to try. Leo dropped his eyes before quickly tapping out the knock on the table. It was a little surprising that he managed to get it right on the first try, and your face must have shown it because Ravi laughed. “He’s an enforcement droid, remember? Even if we did reprogram some things and they abandoned him as scrap metal, he is still a droid.”

You turned to look back at Leo, frowning slightly to yourself. Ravi was right. He was still an enforcement droid. “You can’t be blonde. She will never open the door if you’re still blonde.”

Leo stood with a nod. “I’ll go change it again. When I get back, we can go.”

Ravi nodded in return before motioning to the doorway. “I need to change. Maybe wear something that hasn’t been cut by our resident mad scientist.”

“Hey! I’m not a mad scientist! I’m not even a scientist, I’m an engineer!” Ken’s voice was loud and you could hear the playful arguing tone. “But fine, next time you need any repairs or adjustments or even a new limb don’t come asking me.” You watched as he stuck his tongue out at Ravi and crossed his arms over his chest before stomping off to a corner where he started doing some sort of work.

Ravi just laughed before turning back to you with a small smile. “We’ll bring your sister back quickly. Don’t worry. I won’t let anything happen to her. Leo won’t either.” His smile dimmed a little and you were almost afraid he would say something about how impossible this whole idea was and how he was throwing you out onto the streets. Instead he just nodded before turning to Iris. “You can give her any of the rooms.” He turned back to you for a moment. “You should rest. You look exhausted.”

Before you could say anything in return, he had turned and walked out of the room. Iris moved to stand in front of you and held out a hand. “Come on, I’ll show you to a room you can take. He was right about one thing at least. You look close to collapsing.” You started to protest that you needed to be here when they came back with your sister, but Iris shook her head. “It won’t work. You can’t take care of her if you don’t take care of yourself as well. Trust me on this. Get some rest while they go bring her back. I’ll come let you know when they get back. Don’t worry.”

You could tell there was something behind Iris’ words, but you had to admit, you were tired. The pain from your ankle didn’t help much either. Carefully standing, you took her hand and let her help you walk out of the room. “You both will be safe here. Try not to worry.”

You were led to a small room that held only a bed and what looked to be a small desk. “It isn’t much. We don’t keep too much down here. I’m sure you can understand. But try to relax and rest a little bit. You can’t take care of your sister without making sure to take care of yourself, Star.” Iris helped you over to the bed, letting you sit down lightly. She turned back to the door. “I’ll leave you alone now. Hopefully the medicine will help take some of the pain. I’ll come let you know when the boys get back with your sister. Get some rest.”

You nodded as she walked out and shut the door. The medicine was starting to dull the pain in your ankle and you felt the exhaustion catching up with your body. You shifted on the bed to lay down, not bothering to crawl under the blanket. Before you could let yourself worry, you felt yourself falling asleep.

[generickpopurl]

Top Ten Bias Tag ~

Tagged by @idontknowibangtagon, I for real applaud you for making this omg

Btw I can’t believe I didn’t put Minseok (EXO) on here, who even am I anymore

Rules: Go to this site and enter in your top ten biases from any groups and randomize them. The order they are displayed to you becomes their number (this just ensures that the process is random) and you just have to choose between the biases for each scenario!

Biases: (as given to you by randomizer)

Namjoon (BTS)

Jackson (GOT7)

Seungcheol (Seventeen)

Luhan

Leo (VIXX)

Kyungsoo (EXO)

Shownu (Monsta X)

Kris

Kihyun (Monsta X)

Yoongi (BTS)

Scenarios: (don’t worry, there is a question for every combination of biases (also, I randomized the pairs) and you don’t have to explain your answer, that’s just the way I am lol)

1. Go to a baseball game with 4 or 10.  Luhan or Yoongi - I feel like Yoongi wouldn’t want to get up early to actually go to it lmfao  2. Play a game of twister with 1 or 7.  Namjoon or Shownu - It would just be funny to see how many times Namjoon would hurt himself and thus I would win a lot. I’m hella competitive okay? 3. Eat ramen at 2am with 2 or 8. Jackson or Kris - This was literally an “Eenie Meenie Miney Moe” decision 4. Watch a Disney movie in theaters with 5 or 10.  Leo or Yoongi - I bet he’d pretend he didn’t want to and then be completely into it by the end.  5. Go hiking with 5 or 9.  Leo or Kihyun - “We don’t do sports” - Kihyun  6. Swim with the sharks with 4 or 5.  Luhan or Leo - I don’t think I’d actually have the balls to do this but I think he’d get me to..... maybe.  7. Swim with the dolphins with 7 or 10.  Shownu or Yoongi - Homeboy swims anyways so? 8. Fall asleep talking a 4am with 3 or 9.  Seungcheol or Yoongi - Did you expect anything else from the girl that literally falls asleep to First Love when I’m in a bad mood? 9. Wake up next to 2 or 7.  Jackson or Shownu - What even is this, how dare you make me choose between these two muscly, beautiful, cuddly men?  10. Be stuck in rush hour traffic with 4 or 9.  Luhan or Kihyun - I’d just like to see the Mom side of him come out during traffic  11. Build a snowman with 7 or 8.  Shownu or Kris - It’s such a Dad thing to do and it would fit him so well  12. Spend a day baking with 5 or 7.  Leo or Shownu - I think Shownu would burn the kitchen down, sorry boo  13. Be stranded on a desert island with 2 or 9.  Jackson or Kihyun - He already went to the jungle didn’t he? 14. Be hit by a car by 1 or 9.  Namjoon or Kihyun - Namjoon is destructive anyways so it wouldn’t be a HUGE far off thing I guess? 15. Hit 3 or 4 with a car.  Seungcheol or Luhan - I think Seungcheol could take it, Luhan is a smol  16. Kiss 4 or 8 in the moonlight.  Luhan or Kris - Kill me now I can’t believe I actually chose one.  17. Dance in the rain with 2 or 4.  Jackson or Luhan - Since I didn’t choose to kiss him in the moonlight  18. Be kidnapped with 1 or 5.  Namjoon or Leo - I bet he’d accidentally break something and just annoy the kidnappers and they’d let us go. Or kill us.. but you know.. technicalities.  19. Arm wrestle 1 or 3.  Namjoon or Seungcheol - He’d find some way to hurt himself and I’d win. I told y’all I’m hella competitive.  20. Go to an art museum with 3 or 5.  Seungcheol or Leo - Um his face is cut from marble with them cheekbones he’s got so he might as well be an exhibit.   21. Have a picnic with 2 or 3.  Jackson or Seungcheol - I have no rhyme or reason for this one  22. Buy a puppy with 1 or 10.  Namjoon or Yoongi - He’s just the cutest puppy Dad ever? 23. Get a forehead kiss from 7 or 9.  Shownu or Kihyun - Gut decision  24. Pick up 2 or 6 from the airport at 5am.  Jackson or Kyungsoo - Sleepy Soo is just the cutest thing  25. Go on a road trip with 3 or 8.  Seungcheol or Kris - He just seems like the cute hipster that would make tumblr worthy road trip posts  26. Have an all night study session with 6 or 8.  Kyungsoo or Kris - Soo had said he doesn’t study and I suck at studying so I don’t think that’d go well  27. Sing karaoke with 8 or 10.  Kris or Yoongi - omg the clips of him singing with hobi 28. Climb a tree with 6 or 9.  Kyungsoo or Kihyun - Um I feel like both of them would go Mom on me and tell me not to or to be safe so idk...  29. Go to the zoo with 2 or 5.  Jackson or Leo - I never get over the video of GOT7 at the zoo omg  30. Go bowling with 3 or 6. Seungcheol or Kyungsoo - Pretty U MV vibes  31. Have 1 or 8 do your make-up.  Namjoon or Kris - omg I’d love to see how that would turn out  32. Swim in the rain with 4 or 7.  Luhan or Shownu - Keep giving me swimming ones with Shownu and you’re never gonna get a different answer lmao  33. Share your favorite food with 6 or 10.  Kyungsoo or Yoongi - Chef Soo? Yes pls? 34. Go ice skating with 1 or 4.  Namjoon or Luhan - Let’s give Namjoon a break on potentially life harming situations lmao  35. Get lost on vacation with 2 or 10.  Jackson or Yoongi - I think he’d be better at getting us back to civilization lmao  36. Get locked out of your car in the middle of nowhere with no cellphone signal with 4 or 6.  Luhan or Kyungsoo - This boy has Lenovo ads in the middle of his MV so he could hook us up  37. Rob a bank with 5 or 8.  Leo or Kris - He’s got juice 38. Have 8 or 9 write a song about you.  Kris or Kihyun - I just want him to sing to me omg  39. Be embraced by 9 or 10 after you cry.  Kihyun or Yoongi - Stroke my hair with those calloused bony fingers omg wow that sounded weird  40. Have 6 or 7 cook for you.  Kyungsoo or Shownu - Chef Soo will always win with food  41. Have 1 or 2 be your sidekick.  Namjoon or Jackson - Homeboy got martial arts skills  42. Star in a K-drama with 1 or 6.  Namjoon or Kyungsoo - Best actor ever 43. Build a dresser from Ikea with no instructions with 3 or 7.  Seungcheol or Shownu - They’re both so “Dad” thoughhhhh 44. Be in a zombie apocalypse with 5 or 6.  Leo or Kyungsoo - Put his weird MV roles to use I guess lmao   45. Run a YouTube channel with 3 or 10.  Seungcheol or Yoongi - I just love Yoongi okay?

Don’t judge me but I’m lazy so I’ll just tag - 

@sorryjae @barkji-min @gorillapentagon

[ramblehound]

You haven’t been to Spain, yet?

I’ve been in Spain three times now. The first time, I lived here and stayed a month and a half in Granada. It was an international situation. No need to go into details. The first time I got stuck in Granada (possibly the best place in the world to be stuck). Since then I’ve been around a bit, Gibraltar (even though technically it’s The UK), all over Andalusía and Costa Del Sol, Madrid, and Barcelona - to name the main points.

I’m not some Park Avenue dandy like Washington Irving, but when I read his expose “The Alhambra”, it resonated with me in a deep and beautiful way after everything I have seen here in Spain. Everything he wrote in that piece was spot, accurate and without embellishment, as much as I’ve been able to experience almost 200 years later after that work being published. Spain is an enrapturing and dramatic landscape that will dazzle your eyes, with a history that makes Lord of the Rings seem almost blahh. By the way, in case you didn’t know... Spain has an incredibly diverse landscape and has been consistently rated as one of the best culinary experiences in the world. Furthermore, they’re also the hot spot for handing out Michelin stars to restaurants the last 10 years. It’s kinda the place to be as a chef, or to start a restaurant. So, if you stop reading here, the synopsis is, *go to España*.

I’ve been to Italy, it’s one of my favourite countries / collection of city states; 1000’s of years of heritage and history. Yea. Cool. I feel fortunate that “I get it”, and I do, but Spain....Spain is the same, but a different animal in so many ways. It’s the same as comparing Rome with Paris, or Rome with Barcelona. For me I’ve just learned to just except the difference, agree there is this incandescent force around them, that makes you feel alive, and are enjoying being reborn, and move on. In the words of the great Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, “buy the ticket, take the ride.”

Progress is everywhere here. They got hit pretty hard by the financial fiasco in 2008, the market tanked just like everywhere else in the world; but like anything truly Hispanic, when it’s up against the ropes, it fights its way out. The Spanish like a fight. Both times I’ve been in Spain, there are new buildings going up everywhere or revamping what’s already established. If you’re a big shopper, they’ve got it all and then some - weird / cool local second hand shops, and then of course your established brands, then climbing up into luxury / high fashion. Shopping isn’t my thing exactly so let’s just take hit the onramp and get back on the highway of this article and keep tracking.

In Spain, I can’t tell you how many high end autos / bikes I’ve seen. As a motorhead, I specifically have seen a few head turners. Porsche, Alfa Romeo, Ferrari, Triumph, Moto Guzzi. The roads here in general are a drivers wet dream. Sweeping curves, long straights and in general, well paved. Now to one of my more favourite aspects, economics. Business in general here in Spain is on a huge upswing. Property values are rising steadily. Barcelona is tied with Berlin for the #2 spot for startups in the EU. Barcelona and Madrid also, consistently find their way into Monocle Magazine’s annual quality of life survey. Portugal, is also no stranger to tough times, the country was close to bankrupt, but now, now the Iberian as a whole is blowing up! All of these things are clear indicators of a shift of not just economics, but a mentality.

Spain is, and has always been a jewel in the world, and there’s always a mix of cultures here. It’s an inherent quality in it’s nature, unquestionably. Geographically it’s impossible for it not to be. I realised that imminently looking across to Morocco and Cetau, from Gibraltar. My friend asked me, “Isn’t it amazing that many people from there are so close and want so badly to be living here, and this is all that really divides us?” Am I bringing this up to be political? Yes. But, I’m not digging deeper into it, aside from saying, if you’re willing to do things legally, work hard and make a real contribution, then you should be welcome anywhere. If you’re not willing to do those things, get the fuck out, or keep your ass parked where it is. Secondly and more to the point though, I’m bringing it up to illustrate it’s ideal geographical placement as a crossroads of cultures while being lavishly shrouded in its own. If you travel more than a little, you know just how singular that dimension is and how rare it is to find.

Geographically you have a peninsula (Iberian) that is a main factor in every aspect of what Europe is in every facet. On top of that you have a culture that was a part of, and lived through however many different shifts. The Phonecians, The Romans, The Moors, The Castilians, The Catalonians, The French and Franco. What that equates to is the truth of their culture, and that it’s as malleable as quicksilver and titanium strong; while maintaining something decidedly luminescent. They’re as fun loving as they are relaxed. When business is on the table, they make moves. They get the balance of work / play on a level most never will. I find it so comical, in the worst of ways, that Hispanics are thought of as lazy. They’re some of the toughest sons of bitches I’ve worked with. They never miss a siesta, BUT they’re never without a bone to break.

Marbella seems like the quiet Monaco of the Mediterranean, while Cagliari, the secret. All too many designer shops, but many more, and more important, the backbones of a local economy. You can hear 5 languages a day, 7 maybe, easy. Today I talked with a local street vendor in Pidgin mixed with Spanish, we seemed to sort things out well enough. His English was well enough, but why deprive myself the opportunity? It was worth the shock slapped across his face from hearing a white boy speak Pidgin.

The local economy of restaurants here is thriving with all local products that make you wonder why you put so much faith in Rome, Paris and others for your culinary standards. The access to fresh seafood is absurd. Even the local market has fresh catches of seafood exclusive to the region for pretty damn cheap. I’ve bought local fish here to barbecue at a market price that couldn’t rival local markets anywhere else in Europe. Let alone a local supermarkets price. Vegetables, local everything for a € or 2€ per kg., maybe slightly more from time to time. This is an appropriate time to laugh at the “5 star or nothing” crowd who are missing out on the 2 or 3 star gems that are ridden by locals who don’t give two shits about writing a review. They know where to get their fix.

I’m a hole in the wall cafe / bar kind of guy. The local joints. I’m more into places that are devoid of the frills, and the types of marketing that lead to impulse buying the weird condoms in the checkout line. I’m not the kind of guy to get bent out of shape about being noticed at the “right places”. I much prefer the awkward feeling of being the new kid on the block when I walk into a local place. That’s the “right place”.

I recently got off the phone with a friend of mine in Firenze (Florence). He’s one of those guys that you’d shake your fist at, and say, “lucky bastard”, when you hear his job. Basically put, he’s a professional rockstar. He lives on the road, he rarely hangs his hat for too long in one place. But he recently got back to Firenze for the 2,977th time, or something like that, and planned to run into some American friends of his who have never travelled outside the country. That’s right. They exist, it isn’t just a myth, somehow. Instead of taking it all in, they were buried in their phones on travel apps. Making sure wherever they stopped was at least 4 stars or 5. As soon as my friend told me this, I said, “Fuck that! Just open your eyes and channel your inner wolf, and put your nose to work!” Don’t be this person! This is a core principle of the difference between a tourist and a traveler.

I’m posted up at a local joint now that I found the same way. I used my basic senses. I didn’t fucking use an app! People forget so often that the apps / websites are there to assist you, not guide you! Where’s your sense of adventure?! I walked by the other day and scoped the digs. Locals? Check. Basic table and settings? Check. The clear smell of something amazing going on in the kitchen? Ample wine supply? Check. That’s it, I’m parking it here. Another dead give away, that places like this have are the jamón legs hanging from butcher hooks behind the bar. They don’t need the 5 star reviews, although they would be nice, they don’t need the expensive marketing campaign and a squeaky clean, amazingly designed website. In fact I’d be surprised if some places like this had one. Things like that are the epitome of an afterthought to places like this. They’re betting on getting your ass in a chair at a table with you walking by and having a butchers. Like waving a red cape in front of the bull. And before you know it, you’re hooked.

Even as I write this now, sitting here with an amazing glass of Rioja, I’m watching a tourist tapas bar across the street getting the grease down. Even from 20 meters I can hear the Brits, Russians, French and Germans, even if I couldn’t hear them I can see them as plain as the nose on their face. Nope, I prefer the sanctuary of this local bastion, the simple, but effective approach of marketing involving nothing more than displaying the legs of jamón and the myriad of bottles of the fruits of Andalucía. There’s no buy 2 get one free deal running here. There’s no guy waiting to hand me a towel to dry my hands in the bathroom like in Ferris Bueller. Christ, even if there was I’d like to see how the hell he could fit. It’s more like a bath*closet*. This is as about as far as you can get from the Embassy Suites or the Four Seasons as possible, and I fucking love it.

I’ve been more of a wino the last 5+ years, and if you enjoy “sunlight trapped in water” (thanks Leo) like myself, then you will find even more of a paradise than you could have possibly predicted. One thing I can say for as much as I’ve experienced is that some of the best wine in the world comes from Spain. Spain holds a dead tie with Italy, with (in my opinion) France just beneath at number 2. You can buy a bottle at a local market here for 3€ - 5€ and be blown away. Start with the 3€-5€ options before you graduate to the 10€+ crowd. Pace yourself, slow yourself down and enjoy the ride. Totally worth it.

Practically everything in the Spanish culinary culture is built to be paired with wine, or alcohol in general. The beer scene isn’t lagging at all in Spain, they’ve got the hipster craft beer thing going, but in a less utterly excessive way (like some places on the globe) but each region usually has its own brewery that’s been adding to the siesta experience for decades or longer. C’mon... who the hell doesn’t enjoy an ice cold beer, in the shade on a hot day?! If we’re talking Spanish beer though, the front runner is absolutely Alhambra Cerveza. Like the New York saying goes, about the pizza there and why it’s some of the best in the world, “there’s just somethin’ in tha water”, concerning the dough, the same holds true for Alhambra, the mountain spring water used for the beer makes it incredibly top notch, Tasting is believing, look for the Alhambra Reserva Roja (Red) or Verde (Green).

Each city or region usually has a local after dinner spirit that ranges from 20% - 45% alcohol. Similar to why the Italians have limoncello. And similar to how people (like myself) actually read Playboy for the articles, this after dinner drink isn’t just about nailing a shot, it’s mean to be sipped and actually helps with digestion.

We talked about the alcohol and the food scene, sure, but let’s talk about something else more healthy and sometimes more fun than a glass of wine, green. Cannabis, in case you’ve been living under a rock, or are just someone who’s wound to tight; has been gaining more and more global acceptance. Why? Because governments are actually using science and logic. They’re also realising they can cut off a piece for themselves in an open and regulated market. The best potweedmarijuana in Europe, is not, contrary to popular belief, Netherlands. 40% - 50% of any ganja lit up in the EU comes from Spain. It’s a fact. I have had some amazing strains in Netherlands, but España edges out just past the Dutch. If you wanna smoke in a 100% legal scenario while you’re here, research the Private Clubs. But the same as with alcohol, don’t be a jacksss. Be respectful of others and have your head on straight.

I’ll stay here for 2 more orders of tapas and then walk around to catch some more shots of the city on a Saturday night, but I’m pretty damn content posted up here. There’s a La Liga game live, on the TV over the bar, an ample of supply of everything amazing a person could want in Andalucía (or anywhere) - nothing left, but to enjoy the minutes spinning off the clock. The owners gotten pretty chummy with me. He’s the 3rd generation extension of the establishment. He sees me look over across the street at the touristafied tapas bar and asks me why I chose his place. I tell him, “¿por que no?” He points to a tapas joint two doors down, another one on the boardwalk a block away on the corner and the finally the one across the street and then shrugs as if to say, “I know my turf, caballero.” I tell him in Spanish, simply, “Your place is real Andalucía. It’s real España. You can see the difference, and taste it.”

You might be thinking, “yeaa... but what kind of crowd? Is it a bunch of pensioners? Families? What about the younger crowd? I haven’t got Spain 100% figured out, but one thing I have sorted is that the legit, local spots, got a full mix. Spain gets the community / family thing a little better than most countries. Whether you’re hitting up a tapas bar, going to a local shop, stopping to catch a flamenco street guitarist (support your local street performers!) or strolling around, people are coming together, loving life and sharing it. When you come to Spain, and when you’re doing life here, time slows down in only the most desirable ways.

Which brings me to the one negative that I can mention with absolute certainty; coming to Spain as someone in a relationship with out your significant other is going to not give you the 100% experience. I’m not gonna get all puppy dog, but when you’re in an environment that so clearly embraces life and getting the most out of it, you feel your other half missing. This country and this region make you as romantic as you will feel in New York, Rome or Paris. I’ve never taken the time to rate the most romantic places in the world, but Spain has to be in the top 10. If you’re single and ready to mingle, Spain is definitely going to be happy hunting. I don’t miss being single myself, but sexuality is, and always has been a strong part of Spanish culture. It’s clearly visible here. Macho y Feminina. Spain is a Mecca of passion.

Synopsis: if you haven’t checked your schedule for the next month yet, or gotten on to the internet to start scoping prices for airfare and accommodations, do it ASAP. If you’re thinking about the job market or starting a new company, Spain. Thinking about buying a new property? Spain. An extended leave of absence? Thinking of going Expat? Holiday? Weekend getaway? Spain. It’s as cost effective as it is luxurious, and it’s as enchanting as it is beautiful.

Buy the ticket, take the ride and get lost.

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Important notes:

- Bring your preferred method of credit, but always have a good supply of €. A lot of places here hang a middle finger attitude to the tax / banking system. The fees involved with running electronic payment systems have yet to reach an apex in popularity.

- Some places around the globe, you can live WiFi to WiFi, not Spain. If I could call the odds, I’d say you got a 50/50 when you go out, of catching a signal at a cafe, restaurant or shop. Trust me when I say though, sometimes it’s real nice being off the grid.

- Not all tapas are free. The usual case / scenario is, you buy a drink, they bring you a plate. Tapas is Spain’s way of fighting alcoholism and being hospitable. Food + alcohol = less drunk ass holes staggering around their streets. A real tapas place will be free or really cheap and they will have multiple options made with fresh, local ingredients. Steer clear of the jokers advertising 15€+ for a drink and picking 6 tapas if you can. This 15€+ jazz is the normal style of tapas in Madrid more so, and also often in Barcelona; not in the rest of Spain though.

- Gazpacho is the perfect thing to eat for lunch in Spain. All fresh vegetables, served cold, and engineered to keep you pushing in the hot summer heat. The best time for Gazpacho is May - July as the best vegetables of the year are grown then.

- Learn some Spanish before you go. Don’t show the fuck up in someone else’s country and expect them to speak your language 100%. Don’t be a tourist, be a traveller. Even if you don’t nail the pronunciation, this small little piece of advice is applicable everywhere, globally. The little effort you put in will show the locals you care, and aren’t self absorbed, ignorant, nationalist.

¡Hola! - Hello!

Adios - Goodbye!

Yo quiero - I want

Buenas - Hello! / Goodbye! (Spanish equivalent of Ciao in Italian)

¿Donde esta el baño? - Where is the bathroom?

- Leave room in your bags for all the olive oil, jamón and wine you will be bringing back.

- The drivers are a bit crazy. 50% or more know what they are doing. The other side of the spectrum knows better, but just don’t give a shit.

- Marijuana is legal in certain cities and has been decriminalised in general throughout the country. Like many other parts of the world, governments are embracing the truth about cannabis. The best marijuana in Europe, and definitely some of the best in the world, is in Spain - hash, green or moonrocks.

- Siesta isn’t just something from a Speedy Gonzalez cartoon, it’s for real. 75% of everything closes (roughly) between 15:00 - 17:00. Why? Because it’s the hottest part of the day and people are staying out of the sun and also because they’re preparing for the dinner rush, and taking a break.

- Try not to call someone Spanish. Are they from Spain? Yes, but try to detail it to the province they are from if you can. ie: Cataluñya, Andalucía, Castile. Something small, but they will value it a lot. Don’t be a tourist, be a traveler, someone cultivated trying to absorb the culture, not just take from it.

- Everyone advertises for live Flamenco shows. Research which ones are best. 75% of them are a sham compared to the real thing. The best ones are in Granada, Ronda or Seville.

- You can live off just tapas. 100% life hack certified. If you’re really on a budget or if you just want a lot of variety, find the real and local tapas bars. For 5€-7€ you can have a full, and very often, healthy meal.

-Put The Alhambra / Granada at the top of your list of places to visit, the other top choice is absolutely Barcelona. Don’t make the mistake of trying to cram each city into 3 or 5 days. Take 7 and really soak it in and explore.