#Yeah guys I saw the weird fuck some of my mutuals are talking about.

[heliomanteia]

People that get rightfully called out for being assholes and rude bitches under others' content do really go for the "it's a free country" defense first huh. I think your first sentence should be "sorry for being an annoying whiny bitch under your post, I get that it was completely uncalled for", not "I was an annoying whiny bitch under your post because it's legal for me to do so".

[silverselfshippingchaos]

I fucking HATE how the fandom treats m.ine. it's so bad 😭

[1800naveen]

My appreciation.

September 2023, I started the "a court of thorns and roses" series. Booktok got me hyped to read it so when I did, I really enjoyed it. (I fell victim to liking Rhysand and the inner circle, forgive me)

Feyre, Tamlin, and Lucien were my favorite characters. Their dynamic, how their relationship grew, I loved it all. (I was also a hater of Nesta but I changed now, my mind opened.)

I also saw spoilers on Tik Tok about acomaf and Rhysand which put me into a slump and I didn't continue reading the series again until April 2024. Yeah, it was that bad.

Finding out that people hated Tamlin for his later actions got me bummed because I really liked him at the time. I got spoiled for the rest of the series but I don't really care for spoilers that much.

During my slump, I made an account on Tumblr. I mostly liked posts but I would comment at times. I was afraid of making a post because I was just nervous.

I still had love for Tamlin so I avoided the Acotar side of Tumblr for a while. Because what if someone came after for my thoughts or opinions? That scared me. I felt somewhat alone when it came to not hating Tamlin or seeing him as a "villain" (he's more morally grey). I also still didn't like Rhysand because of the whole under the mountain thing which weirded me out.

Then one faithful day, I was looking through the Bryce Quinlan tag after finding out about her when I saw this post (it was about the crossover) and it was the first anti Rhysand post I liked.

And I clicked on the anti Rhysand tag and my third eye opened. When it came to booktok, I thought that hating this man was some sort of taboo.

These guys showed his wrongdoings, went on analysis, how he was toxic, how he treated certain characters, etc. Thanks to them, I was right to feel what I felt about him. He fucking sucks.

I then went on the pro Tamlin tag and I had finally found my people. Ones that shared the same thoughts as I did when it came to Tamlin and it gave me inspiration to make my first post on here.

(And the rest was history...) *cue the clapping*

Nah but seriously, I want to give my appreciation to the Tamlin, Nesta, Lucien, and Eris fans, the anti Rhysand people, the inner circle haters, and the people who just hate this series in general. I'm grateful for finding a community where I fit right in and where I won't get burned at the stake for my opinion (most of the time). I actually made friends on here which is great because I usually suck at making friends (Me and Tamlin twinning, can't make friends for shit) so this is great.

TIME FOR THE TAGS!!!

Giving my appreciation to the people who inspired me to become the blog that I am today: @szalonykasztan00, @copypastus (love your art❤), @shi-daisy, @arson-09, @thrumbolt, @achaotichuman, and @feyres-divorce-lawyer (so glad that I found you on tik tok first, a fellow Rhysand hater).

My mutuals where we are united by both love and hate: @sonics-atelier (thanks for making those analysis posts), @wingsdippedingold, @rin-u-pos, @positivelyruined (bless you for the Luke Eisner fancast🙏🏾), @nickel156, @viktoriaashleyyx, @thatapologisttoyourantis.

And those who I first found out on tik tok and then found them again on Tumblr (some are mutuals, some aren't and the first two I found out there asoiaf tik toks): @watcherintheweyr, @kataraavatara, @booksnwriting.

Yuh, that's about it. Just wanted to make something nice and sweet. Thanks to my 107 followers that I got for mostly being a hater or from other stuff that I post.

Me to all of you (This feels corny but I was born on the cob🌽):

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.

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(Here's the posts I was talking about.)

[world-end-credits]

cringetober day 16!! i know i just posted mesmerizer lost media yesterday but i've been planning this for a good bit lol

0 Notes

☢️ radithorisms Follow

so 2024's the year of lostwave right? so many songs have been found this year alone n shit. and with stacy being found i feel like i should be open about something.

okay so like. there's this one song i listened to in 2010 that i feel like was intensely formative to my teenage years. and i can't find it. TRUST ME i tried but it's just not there. it's like it never existed. and it sucks cause despite the contents of the song, it comforted me through the darkest moments of my life. and jt always found me. so why can't i find it.

oh right i need to give you guys info on the song, right?

so i don't really remember much about the lyrics, mainly cause it (the song's named mesmerizer btw) wasn't translated when i saw it BUT i remember the music video.

so the music video is about miku and teto (did i mention they sang the song??? im sorry this is so disorganized lol) in this like. kids show environment?? they're dancing n shit in Mysterious Plains it's weird. anyways the ENTIRE TIME teto's been making signs for help, from ASL to morse code. yeah that's meant to imply they are kidnapped. so there's this segment where they get like. hypnotized??? miku's eyes fade to black and teto's ALMOST do but then they cut away. then everything SEEMS normal but miku's limbs start being funny and it's probably a sign of the hypnosis or something and teto's freaking out a bit and then... i.... i forgot the final fucking chorus it's so over.

oh and they wore these costumes - i drew em from memory

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 yurisoldierno39 Follow

miranda my beloved mutual miranda. where the fuck is neru

☢️ radithorisms Follow

you say that as a bit but people did joke about neru being in the song. it got unfunny fast though

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 yurisoldierno39 Follow

oh damn. i don't think i know what ur talking abt though. sad!

🔔 the-bellssss Follow

hey wait wasn't mesmerizer that one song that made a guy careen off a cliff cause he listened to it and it fogged his brain up so bad he didn't pay attention to the road?

☢️ radithorisms Follow

what

#no that cant be it helped me it helped me it helped me it

16 Notes

☢️ radithorisms Follow

update on the mesmerizer situation

so i've been heeding some of your advice, i've been looking on niconico and i found a clip!!! lets gooo

i feel like it's finally coming around now. it's coming back to me. it's warm embrace hugging me. it's gonna be alright. i think.

#mesmerizer #lostwave #lost media #i cant help but feel like it's egging me on tho

2 Notes

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 yurisoldierno39 Follow

man i love miranda n all but she's been talking about nothing but that mesmerizer song ever since she found that clip.

#it's so hard to talk to her man #like i get it the song is important to you but #i feel like you care more about it than me :/

0 Notes

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 yurisoldierno39 Follow

☢️ radithorisms asked:

i saw your post, tammy. it's sad you think of it like that. you'll see the light soon though, my love.

im sure of it

YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN??

#wait. #''love''? 😳

4 Notes

🔔 the-bellssss Follow

the fuck is going on with my mutuals man

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 yurisoldierno39 Follow

miranda sent me a cryptic ask where she called me love

🔔 the-bellssss Follow

good 4 u??? love wins i guess

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 yurisoldierno39 Follow

love wins

🔔 the-bellssss Follow

love wins

☢️ radithorisms Follow

love wins

100 Notes

☢️ radithorisms Follow

i found it i found it ifounditifound it i found it idounfitifounditiFOUNDITIFUONDITIFOHNDITOUFODUNITJFOUNDITIFOUNITIFOUNDITIFKJNFIFOUNFITIFKUNGIT

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 yurisoldierno39 Follow

are you ok?? answer my text

🔔 the-bellssss Follow

tammy and miranda have both been awfully silent...

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 yurisoldierno39 Follow

hey nell!! i just came back from talking to miranda. positive she's just doing a bit.

🔔 the-bellssss Follow

oh shit hey tammy

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 yurisoldierno39 Follow

can you watch this for me? thx

🔔 the-bellssss Follow

okay...?

202 Notes

☢️ radithorisms Follow

i remember the final chorus now.

mid-lyric, something snaps within miku. her eyes go into a pitch black, her mouth eternally agape, a tongue sticking out, and she's stuck doing the same jerky movements. she's mesmerized, whatever was left in her gone forever. teto's horrified, grieving even, miku might as well be dead after all. but i never cared about what was happening on the sides of the screen. i was transfixed by what was on the center. the infamous 13-sided star literally EVERYWHERE in the music video unveiled itself to be a spiral. and i couldn't keep my eyes off it. the overstimulation of the song all melting together, telling me to let go, give in, fall into the rhythm, the beat, the instruments, the vocals.... i guess all those replays must have conditioned me.

it's all ok now though.

everything will be.

i just need to let her see.

i found the video after all. what's love for if you keep them away from the light? i'll see you soon, tammy. <3

[lunartearrose]

may you yap..about your..doublevin.. ⁉️

Yippeeee i get to speaketh!!!!!! Hold onto your but this will be a bit long!!!!

OK SO back when they meet like first first met pre rank king. Vintage got his teammates by beating the ink out of them at rank mode! Double didnt think a shrimp and his sister could beat him and honestly had a sort of rider mindset that he could be the only good at rank guy on the team to make things work and like. Bet his whole position as leader of his own team for the fight against vintage. We can even go yugioh villain mode and say he used to like to be an edgelord and break people's main weapons if he won bets against them

Of course double gets his shit absolutely wrecked in a 1v1 and got absorbed into the xblood team. At the point vintage is a power hungry and scorned by skull sort of jerkass so it's not the most comfortable settling. Despite this, he felt because he was so awesome he should get to have times where he could fight alongside his old teammates for non-serious matters

But BECAUSE he sort of surrounded himself with other rude fucks they only humored him so they could mock how hard he fell from grace and be told how little respect they had for him in the first place. Vintage had stopped by to remind double about practice in person while this went on (he forgot to trade numbers) annnd he overheard the bullying and saw double get smacked and grabbed and stuff.

Because he's still very fresh in his own pain at this point he decides to jump these fucks and fistfight them for fucking with his teammate. He's big mad and the old team stands no chance against the both of them so they dip. He helps Double up who is a little shocked Vintage had a caring (???) Side to him and ofc edgelord king just says fuck you i just wanted to beat those hoes not help you now buy me ramen. And i mean - vin did save him so he does

They go through this stage of like half bitching at each other and half respecting one another for a while, especially before blue team but post blue team they start definitely settling into a sort of friendship which is nice! In my mind goggles grew out of pantsing after the first incident with rider (and even then it was a tripping accident but this aint abt him) so while vintage and double were having that heart to heart on stage it was more embarassing clownery than embarassing pantsy

Annnd the more they spend leisure time together the more they start. To notice. Things about one another.

Double jokes to himself about vintage being so warm because he always eats spicy food. He's nice to be close to and he gets shivers easily despite his warmth and oh the little tipped up ends of his bowlcut. Are those trying to be horns? Its cute! They're almost more cat ears than horns!

Vintage will find himself staring for longer and longer at double,slowly getting comfortable and normal brained about it and then- oh my god. Just under his jacket - is that… a tail??? A little puffy sea bunny tail?

He tries to not be weird about it but also as double paces and rants about some jerk shoving him its like. How did he not notice it? Is it soft??? Are the bigger spikes on his spikey hair nudibranch feelers shaped into horns for the team aesthetic? He also definitely notices double talking in less tense tones with him compared to others now and its. Soothing almost.

He almost touches the tail before like smacks himself and catches double's attention doing that.

“You good?”

“No. But you can keep talking”

and just eventually does he ask after figuring out how to and yeah double is half nudibranch because inkfish dna due to liquid crystal bullshit from 2000 years ago is adaptive shit

They develop in this space of good friends and though they mutually like each other SO SO FUCKING BAD vintage is surpressing it because hes afraid of fucking up and Double is like visibly attempting to be romantic and vintage is unfortunately dense because he is trying so hard to give friendefit of the doubt

Things with vintage in agent business heat up in years after the grand festival. They get a lot of reports of illegal modified weapons being used by distinct people, some of them even using them to cause harm outside of turf war. Shit like 30 round in one shot stringers, snipers that have shots that can round bends to hit their targets. It's dangerous stuff being used in both inkfish territories and Vintage is in the market of protecting his city and friends.

Essentially? He does get in an altercation with a modder. He took down a guy with a roller that is not only heavy but burn damaging, and it bashed him hard in the lower back while he was chasing him down as the other agents dealt with putting out the arson.

He did NOT learn from his younger days of seeing rider over exert himself and almost die when he was still a purple teamer and he let the injury fester. The incident and his putting off of getting checked out left him with lifelong damages and the need for limits on everything he does, and it sort of collapsed both his careers for a long while due to how limited he was now. It was either do the fucking PT or lose full use of legs and more and vin didn't want that. Whatever counts as a spine for inkfish in his body is shot! Bad as fuck!

As it turns out though, Double and his other teammates supported vin well through this low. Even when vintage sort of berated himself about how dumb he was for not getting help and that double should probably take over and get a replacement so they didn't stagnate like him, double refused because Vin is his leader, always, and he's done on serious battles because of that he doesn't care. He. He really means it.

It doesn't make everything magically better when they do finally kiss and get together, but it helps! And vin gets two surprises with years between them

1. Double blindfolds and drives him somewhere and when he does get to open his eyes BOOM ITS THE FUCKING TACTICAL WHEEELCHAIR WITH A SPLATTLING EXTENSION AND ALL THE WORKS ITS FIRE AND VINTAGE FUCKING CRIES (HAPPILY) (EVERY ONE OF HIS FRIENDS AND AGENT COWORKERS SAVED UP FOR THIS FOR HIM)

2. this little 14 y/o octoling covered in burn scars on one side of their approaches him and asked to be trained in combat. Eventually vintage learns this is one of the people he helped to save in the incident that crippled him and this little mimic admires him like crazy and struggles in ways he does and. Oh why tears again???

anyways as life settles down between his husband who still loves carrying him despite tactical wheelchair freedom and his ability to walk a liiitttle bit and this youngin that kinda is like adopted by him a bit begrudgingly. And like. Hes feeling purpose and feeling loved and also he and double absolutely do a shop that's piercings and tattoos. People get scared when he comes at them to do their hoops and stuff but they're paying him to injure them and its great 👍 he's good at it

And for sure because he and double are gay like that they have a tattoo that goes together. Something something metaphorical attached at the hip with a sewn looking x design and he and his teammates collectively have matching xblood team tattoos

Anyways thank you for allowing my ranting!!!! These gay fucks lift each other up!!!!! He's never fucking being an agent again and he fucking loves it. Many nights of warm embraces and disabled gay loverness. Double loves his boyfriend so fucking much and he cuddles vin and you can see his stupid little tail wag its great

EDIT: forgot to specify that vintage worked his way up to being a part-time wheelchair user so he can walk around his house and short distances but the pain ebbs and flows so somedays he will need chair and other days its a preventative measure for his wahoo world trips with double :3

[olenvasynyt]

I want to talk about my journey with Azriel. And tbh I'm a bit afraid to because I like Gwynriel, but it wasn't always in my head, and I had / have some harsh opinions about him.

When I first read ACOTAR, he was instantly my favorite batboy because I love a broody guy with a dark past. You could tell that was is very sensitive under his cold exterior, and I always really liked characters like that. I also have an OC that Az really reminded me of so before I joined the fanbase, I only saw Az as my OC. It was great. (this is an OC who I have been developing for an embarrassing amount of time and one who I love so deeply I feel like it is a permanent mark on my very soul so yeah. It was great. And it's what makes the downfall of Az so painful for me)

And then I joined the fanbase and got into a group of friends who also loved Az. And I remember me and this group discovered there was a bonus chapter for him!! It was so exciting but we heard there was controversy so we decided to read it together.

And oh my god. The instant switch we all went through...it was actually fucking crazy. I remember I was at work on my break and my friends were just screaming DANA OH MY GOD I HATE THIS DANA PLEASE ANSWER ARE YOU OKAY DID THE BONUS CHAPTER KILL YOU???

It's really hard when you had a certain vision of a character you like and then a single chapter has the ability to destroy it instantly.

None of us in this chat thought about the shipwar or anything. This group was never into that. We just immediately got the absolute ick from Az's POV that it instantly turned us all off fom liking him. And we talked about the shipwars and E/riel vs Gwynriel but we all shared the mindset that both Elain and Gwyn deserved better than Az.

This ACOTAR friend group was heavy into Azris 💀 Because we all were like, "he needs to be fucking humbled and no one can do that better than Eris!!" But that is something I'll delve into later. Plus Az has a habit of supressing emotions until they build up and break and that is one of my favorite tropes when it comes to mlm romances. Shoving away thoughts, having feelings of self-hatred, seeing someone else and hating the way they make you feel, etc etc etc. I can spend ages talking about Azris. The perfect mlm enemies to lovers.

It was so bizarre how quickly my thoughts around him shifted. For a while, he did feel like an incel to me, or a fuck boy, or just a very entitled person. It also got me to see the flaws in other things such as the situation with Mor and how weird it was that he listed after her and tried to declare his feelings right after he rescued her from the Autumn border. That’s weird behavior. And I was always more accepting of Gwynriel before I interacted with the shipwars (and I never liked E/riel or barely thought of E/riel before the shipwars), but again, after ages I was always like ughhhh I like Gwynriel more but Gwyn deserves better.

I disliked Az for such a long time and it was so disappointing because I did really like him from the instant I met him! He reminded me so much of my OC that I've had for ages! But the bonus chapter...

So many of my mutuals and followers on tiktok know this: I don't want a female to heal Az. He needs to be humbled, brought to his lowest point so he can break and open up and heal. I kind of think of Chaol where he was brought to such a low point but he still struggled to open up. And as soon as I realized that similarity, it helped me appreciate him more.

The bonus chapter shown a spotlight on his flaws as a character. But that's the thing: The bonus chapter shown a spotlight on his flaws as a character.

After several rereads, especially my last reread, I again opened up to him because all of those flaws make him so complicated and interesting to read. And all of that on top of his backstory, his struggle with his feelings, his self-hatred and desperation and loneliness...it helps me root for him. I root for him to heal, to do better, to think better about himself, and I hope that he can heal enough to allow himself to have a happy life. He is dark, sad, lonely, angry and envious and reactionary, and all of that makes him so complicated. I personally like to read characters like that. I enjoy reading complex characters. Their low moments can be painful, but you can see hope for him, and the potential future where things are resolved and you get the feeling of such wonderful euphoria.

So I do like Azriel. I do. But I think the flaws and the low moments he has are very important to his character. And they can make you hate him, sure. I definitely experienced that. But if you like him, it is important to point out that those flaws do exist. It what makes him, and what will drive his story.

[epithet-beloved]

Hi I'm shimmying in here awkwardly but can we have some ideas for Jericho x Dixon for the 3 starving jerixon fans please

MEETING HALFWAY

synopsis… Dixon and Jericho both need romance advice, and the only people they can ask are their cellmates, who are coincidentally both terrible at it.

ft. Jericho Felocity, Dixon Roughhouse, Ramsey Murdoch, California Slim, Alcatraz

tags… anime campaign, epithet erased spoilers, Slim and Ramsey give awful romantic advice, pre-relationship, mutual pining, straight up painful pining they are both so oblivious, Dixon sorta has a nervous breakdown

word count… 1284

a/n… this is my first time writing Dixon I hope the fandom approves of me ✧ 🦄

“Well, at least it’s not Ramsey.”

Was the first thing California Slim said when Jericho told him he had feelings for Dixon.

“Yeah, but what do I say to him?” Jericho was frantically running on his treadmill to blow off some steam, a clear nervous energy about him. In clear contrast to his normal, everyday frantic running on his treadmill. “I’m not really that great at talking. You think he even notices me at all?”

“Oh, don’t listen to Slim, Jeri!” Alcatraz was much more enthusiastic about this matter than the murderer he was attached to, and saw fit to float next to Jericho trying to calm his nerves. “Dixon seems like he’s got a lot to say himself, I’m sure he just appreciates you being a good listener!”

“Yeah,” Slim scoffed, “a lotta crazy bullshit to say.”

The ghost turned to glare at his companion, but with no face, the look of disappointment on his face was left entirely to the imagination.

Jericho, lost in thought about his current dilemma, seemed utterly oblivious to the argument going on behind him. “Yeah, maybe it’s better if I just let him talk. I don’t want him to think I’m weird or anything.” Almost as if to demonstrate his point, the man’s body phased partially through the front of his treadmill whilst he continued to ‘run’ in place as if nothing were wrong.

“Jericho, everyone in this place is goddamn weird. And Dixon’s a nut — guys like him can’t afford to be picky about their company.” Slim just watched his cellmate for a few seconds, then sighed and massaged his temples. Usually, Jericho was an alright guy to bunk with, but sometimes he could be a real headache……. “You sure a relationship in prison could even work? You guys only see each other during lunch time.”

“Don’t listen to him,” Alcatraz quickly said, as he did after pretty much everything Slim told people. “I’m sure you two will find a way! You’re such creative souls!”

“That’s sure a way to put it…..” The actual murderer eventually stood up, finally deciding to do something about his poor friend’s predicament. “C’mon, man, you got yourself all outta sorts.” Thinking it would help somehow, he gave Jericho a hearty slap on the back to try and force him out of the treadmill, but this only created a bigger problem.

“Oh, that’s not good!”

“No fucking shit, Sherlockatraz!” The two unfortunate souls were currently faced with their friend lodged halfway through the cell wall, legs dangling in a janky position. Slim first pressed his ear to the wall, trying to make out if the speed runner was suffocating to death like he did last time. “You breathing in there, dumbass?!”

“Oh,” came Jericho’s voice from the other cell. “Hi Dixon!”

California Slim turned to the ghost with a tired expression. “Never mind. It’s worse than we thought.”

Not like things were going much better in the cell next door before that, anyway.

✧ ✧

“I dunno, I just, I just—“ Dixon was pacing back and forth like the madman Ramsey knew that he was. “I feel like he’s the only one who gets me, but like, what— what if he doesn’t get me? What if he’s an alien? Or a spy? Or— or an alien spy?!”

“Dixon,” started Ramsey, who was laying on his bed like a teenage girl while drawing another commission of a certain inmate’s fursona. “He avoids clipping to the front of the lunch line every day just so he can stand next to you. I’m pretty sure he likes you.”

“But what if he’s just like that with— with everyone?!” From the corner of his eye, Ramsey saw Dixon hunched over with his hands in his hair. If he got any more nervous, he was pretty sure the guy would start pulling his hair out.

“You’re overthinking it.”

“And why shouldn’t I overthink it, man?!” In the split second that Ramsey looked away, Dixon had rushed over to his bunk and was now aggressively shaking the poor rat man by his shoulders. “I finally have the first good chance with a guy in years, he doesn’t treat me li-like I’m crazy, and I could— I could just fuck it all up! ‘Cause crazy fuckin’ Dixon fucks everything up!”

“Hey, hey, relax…..” Worried for his cellmate, Ramsey would slowly raise his hands and place them on the bespectacled man’s shoulders. “None of us ever said that about ya.”

“Slim tells me I’m a nut.”

“Slim’s a dick and he does not speak for us.” Ramsey took a pause to sit up properly, not slouching as he gave his friend a serious look. “Listen, Dixon. My man. If you’re crazy, then so is everyone else in this damn place. And Jericho is the sweetest guy I know, there’s no way in hell he isn’t happy to listen to you. I’m happy to listen to you. So even if stuff doesn’t work out, look at me.”

Dixon, who had stopped shaking, flickered his eyes up from the floor to Ramsey’s face.

“You’ll always have me. We’re buds! I mean it.”

There was a long pause where neither man said anything, and the conspiracy theorist’s eyes resumed darting around the room at high speed. Always thinking, considering, analyzing. Perhaps a bit too much sometimes.

“Y-yeah,” he’d eventually stutter out from between clenched teeth. Finally noticing how tightly he’d been holding Ramsey, he pulled back like he’d just touched a hot stove. “Sorry….” He held one of his wrists and watched his own hand as he flexed it lightly. “Guess I’m just used to all the sorts of stuff….stuff my family—“

A loud crash and the room shaking made both men yelp, interrupting whatever was about to be said in favor of whipping their heads around to the first and last person Dixon was hoping to see.

“Oh, hi Dixon!” An awkward, smiling Jericho was what awaited them, waving with one hand while the other dangled uselessly. Only his upper half graced the room with its presence, the other presumably stuck in his own cell.

“Oh,” Dixon mirrored, suddenly laughing to fill the silence. “Hey! Need, uh…..need some help there?” Shit, he was repeating his words again. Was he weirding him out?

“Nah, I’m alright for now.” Wait, was he worrying him? Now Jericho almost felt bad for showing up. “Just, uh….haven’t talked to you in a while. How’s it been?”

“FINE! I mean uh. Fine!” Dixon lied. “Was just talking…..talking about……”. The man made the mistake of glancing at Ramsey for guidance, who was of no help and instead chose to gawk at Dixon helplessly. “…..alien spies!”

With a conversation hook, Jericho now felt less nervous. He liked it when Dixon talked — it was like the only side quest dialogue in the world he wouldn’t skip. “Wow, I love aliens! Like in Metroid!”

Dixon pointed at Jericho and nodded rapidly, too nervous to do anything but blindly agree and go off of what the other man was saying. “YES, it is exactly like Metroid! You are SO right! Y-you know, it’s kinda like how— how jellyfish are ancient alien parasites that’ll create the zombie uprising!”

“Really? I’d love to be a zombie, because then I’d be the fastest one!”

✧ ✧

“You know, they really are just painful to listen to.”

“Slim, be nice!” Alcatraz chastised. “I for one am glad that they’re bonding! You should stand to be more like them!”

“Mmm, no thanks.” The murderer peeled himself off of the wall and skulked back to his bed. “I’m just glad I’ll get to say I called it when they start dating in a few weeks.”

[blixabargelds]

Frankie I was coming to tell you that you posting Louis Hofmann led to me developing a bit of a hyperfixation and discovering last night that he’s currently a London based DJ (because I have no one else to share this information with) but I saw your earlier post so I’ll tell you: I like you and remember you and am proud of you and will wait for you and won’t forget you and think you have (way way more than) a single shred of worth and that you’ll get your brain back at some point soon and you don’t have to disappear forever.

When I first started mood stabilizers I said the same thing about how I’d rather be unstable and creative. I felt like a zombie. I couldn’t do anything. It was so depressing. Everything felt worse. I hesitate to say that because like that’s not great to hear but it’s the truth. Mood stabilizers are a bitch and all my homies hate them but I swear once you get things worked out they’re better.

But please don’t think you’re without worth and please don’t disappear! I’m not being hollow telling you these things either. I’m lowkey parasocial because my social anxiety is too bad to try and be normal and just talk and try to become mutuals but I still thought of you when I read about Louis. I just finished Dark. I’m about to watch Prelude after you posted about it. Your online presence is more than just being a mota writer. You’re still so interesting and creative. If you disappeared I’d forever think of Frankie aka user blixabargelds aka hart.

Sorry this is long winded and probably weird… but hang in there. It’ll get better with the meds!

yeah he is 😭😭 his mixes are here lmaoo also he has very good playlists on his spotify kfjfkfh when i found this out me and elo were like ????? no ofc this makes sense. he’s played in a club i’ve been to in berlin sadly not when i was there tho lol anyways louis hofmann boilerroom set opening with the dark theme tune the same way my nu leng opened their HÖR set with the annihilation score when ?? would say louis HÖR set bc berlin however we don’t fuck w asking artists to remove pro palestine clothing and then shut down their sets when they don’t sooo boilerroom it is pls anyway that’s my. djing rant

noo this is all so so sweet thank you so much 🥺 and really reassuring honestly. i know i just have to be patient it’s just like. head feels like a brick in a washing machine rn like everything has happened so fast from like going truly off the rails to narrowly avoiding hospital to getting diagnosed to getting put on this drug that is meant to help but feels like it’s killing my brain and my doctors are still tweaking it so i’ve not even been on the right dose for longer than a week yet they’ve just been fucking around with it for like a month after all the ✨drama✨ and like. objectively i need to be soo patient w myself but it’s so hard when writing is the thing that brings me joy and sadly i could do that when i was convinced i could see into the future and float peacefully if i hopped off smth tall and i can’t do it now i’m Stabilising and like. accepting that this is for the best even if it feels like getting repeatedly slugged in the meantime is soo hard ough. but thank you thank you sorry for my ramble lmfaoo but really you have made me feel a lot better in this moment 🥺 ❤️ i hope you are enjoying louis’ unhinged catalogue as much as i am loll

also incredibly sweet and mildly amusing ngl to think of someone being parasocial with me fkhfdkhd but i am literally just a bug and and guy and weird and dorky please don’t feel too anxious to come off anon if u ever feel like it!! xxx

[agirlwholovesrockstars]

out of touch

OUT OF TOUCH PART 2 ♡

OUT OF TOUCH PART 3 ♡

OUT OF TOUCH PART 4 ♡

OUT OF TOUCH PART 5 ♡

word count : I honestly don't know it's a bit long so enjoy sorry 😭🫶🏻

summary : you're a new girl at Hawkins High who came from a very wealthy family and Steve is your childhood friend in your life, you're very different from the rest of the wealthy kids around Hawkins, you're not doing anything the same thing like the rich kids do, you don't want to be a part of them when you try to get in with their circle before, that's when you became an outcast which is odd for some people "a rich kid but not popular" the problem is that you transferred to a lot of different schools and you can't really just fit in with all of them until you met Eddie at Hawkins High all of the sudden, you felt a connection with him and now he met you he just can't function without having you around.

warnings : 18+ Eddie x FEM!reader language, the reader has a bullying trauma, no use of y/n but reader is Amanda Jones, age gap Eddie is (21) and reader is (19), yeah, I think that's all

what to expect : strangers to lovers, fluff, mutual pining, it's a cute fiction, clueless idiots who can't make the first move lol

author note : HI! THIS IS MY VERY FIRST EDDIE MUNSON TUMBLR FIC I'm just doing this for fun and I have so many ideas I would like to share! excuse my horrible writing but I will try my best! 🥺❤️

THE STORY IS SET IN 1987!

and yes I remove the part where Eddie DIDN'T DIE! 😤

#pov : you're Amanda Jones, new girl at Hawkins High

you're a new student at Hawkins High and your parents are the most respectable and wealthy people....

your parents are having a hard time on which school that you can easily socialize with- it's not that you got a lot into trouble it's just that you're different than the others, the only friend that you ever had in your life is Steve Harrington- the most popular guy in town- you're childhood friends and both of your parents are like a member of the family so your bond is pretty solid.

you're nervous and shy about your first day at school but since your mom informed you that Steve goes to the same school- you calmed down a bit and get ready for school.

"Honey, hurry up you might missed your bus!" your mom exclaimed

"Yeah- I'm almost done!" you quickly ran into the table and grabbed your backpack

when you entered the school bus a lot of rumors going around the bus that you just pretend that you didn't hear it-

"oh my god isn't she the one from the Jones family that transferred to a lot of different schools because she couldn't fit in?" one girl student whispered to the other

"I think she's friends with Steve" laughs jokingly "why would someone like her could be friends with Steve?"

you just rolled your eyes and looked all of them stared at you like some kind of a freak and thank goodness there's an available seat where you could just avoid them all-

when you finally arrived at school you're hoping to see Steve was there so you can survive this shithole but sadly you didn't saw him at the school entrance so you just continued walking-

while you're preparing all of your school supplies for your locker and your class schedule- you suddenly heard someone talking about that one guy at school.

"can you believe he made a club for weird guys like him? they're so lame." one school jock said

"yeah- right but I admire his bravery coming up to school after 3 years of failing at class and still not graduating if I we're him I would be so embarrassed" school jock's friend added

"can you guys please just shut the fuck up you are just a bunch of assholes who can't even look into his eyes because all of you are cowards." Dustin annoyingly glares at them

"oh really?!? is he that strong and tough?! get the fuck out of here we don't believe every word you said." school jock teasingly said

"hmm, well, be my guest look who's behind you right now." Dustin looks behind at the two school jock's with a smirk on his face

"OH SHIT- IT'S EDDIE MUNSON."

"WHAT THE FUCK?!?"

the two school jock's shouted and quickly ran away as far as possible

you watched the whole scenario and felt amused by Eddie and his club- while watching the two school jock's still running Eddie saw you on the far left side of the hallway and you looked at him and you quickly looked away and kept going on with your stuff

"wait- woah- who is she?" Eddie eyes still glued to you while he asked Dustin

"oh her? I didn't know she's coming today it's her first day at school and yeah she's a new student." Dustin surprised that you came today

Eddie irritated groans at Dustin "why you didn't tell me that someone else is coming?"

Dustin confusingly looked at Eddie "hold up- Eddie are you okay? wow, this is the very first time that I saw you completely don't know what to do because of a GIRL!"

Eddie bits his bottom lip and before Dustin closes his locker door Eddie beats him into it slams door locker himself "oh yeah? fuck you- Henderson?! keep your voice down."

Dustin flinched closed his eyes for a sec and Eddie asked "so um- fill me in about her do you know more?"

"uh- all I know that she's friends with Steve and she comes from a wealthy family-

Eddie realization hits him as he remembers that Steve when they we're kids before mentioning a girl bestfriend, he's never seen Steve with a girl other than Nancy is his ex in the past, but he's positive that you're the one childhood bestfriend that he's talking about even Steve doesn't mention it's name. He can feel it.

"wait, is she a Jones?" Eddie cuts off Dustin before he can finished

"yeah- the one who transferred to different a lot of schools like- god knows how many there are-" Dustin while furrowing his brows out of confusion

"Hmm that's kinda interesting- do you know why she did it?" Eddie sparks interest at that information

"from what I heard from Steve said to me is that she can't make friends easily and some of the teachers from her last schools that she go to can't stand her." Dustin shrugs

"so in conclusion- she's one of us!" Eddie almost jumps out of excitement

Dustin laughs "you're gotta be kidding me-"

Eddie made an death stare to Dustin

"oh my god, you're not kidding!" Dustin shockingly said

Eddie looked back at you but you weren't there anymore because the school bell already rang and him and Dustin quickly go to their seperated ways and to their classes

"damn- we will continue this discussion later at the cafeteria." Eddie narrows his eyes to Dustin

"alrighty then-" Dustin nods

so you arrived at your first class early and you can't pick which seat because all of them won't let you until you found Mike and Dustin on the same room and they have a an open seat next to them behind the back

"Hey- here's a seat available!" Dustin waved at you and that heavy weight of your shoulders just fades away

"excuse me- Dustin, did you know-" Mike said

"Mike- she's a new student and she deserves a warm welcome to the school even though it's shit but we try to do something about it am I right? come on, Mike try to keep up." Dustin while he roll his eyes to Mike

Mike scoffed "fine- hello ms?" *He let his hand out to shake his hand with you*

"Jones, Amanda Jones" *you shaked Mike's hand*

"Oh my god, so what is the meaning of this- since you shitheads find about her history and you decided to recruit her to your dumb club?" one bully teasingly said

"what are you guys? a freak magnet?" the whole class laughs

"go get a life losers!" Mike shouted

your teacher finally came in and recalled there's a new girl at school and fuck you guessed it right you're going to introduce yourself

you walked infront of the class and then everyone started whispering and you take a deep breath stand up for yourself infront of them

"so, Ms. Jones would you like to introduce yourself and share what are your interests and how's the school?" Your teacher said

"probably she's going to brag about how rich they are but too bad no one likes her" one bully said

(the whole class laughs)

"even the popular ones doesn't like her- aww poor thing." Angela sarcastically lets out sympathetic expression to you

you glare at all of them annoyingly

"PLEASE EVERYONE BE QUIET!" Your teacher shouted out loud and everyone went quiet

"okay hahaha" you sarcastically laughed- you clear your throat "first of all my name is Amanda Jones and you guys all probably knew that already because how "fAmOus mY fAmiLy is" and it's so strange that I am not the other kids who are so very perfect in their own way and gets along with everybody- NEW FLASH PEOPLE OF HAWKINS HIGH!"

you shouted and left all the class in shock

"Y'ALL SO FUCKING JUDGEMENTAL BUT I GUESS I CAN'T PLEASE EVERYBODY BECAUSE THAT'S HOW THE WORLD IS- THERE'S SO MANY MEAN PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY AND AVOID THEY'RE ALWAYS KEEP SAYING THINGS ABOUT YOU- AND YOU CAN'T EVEN THINK DEEPER MAYBE SHE DOESN'T LIKE TO BE IN THAT CIRCLE AND SHE WANTS TO DO HER OWN THING RATHER THAN BEING BOASTFUL OF HER OWN FAMILY NAME!!!!!"

"You don't fucking like me?! well- that's fine with me I don't care about that but don't you ever put dirt on my family's name!"

you quickly ran into your seat and sat down and you feel proud of yourself because you're already fed up with all the people's bullshit and you glad you did what you keeping in for so long-

everybody was shocked and the whole class are now afraid calling you names but they never stopped staring at you like they're so disgusted on how you behave-

Mike and Dustin watched you as you sit down and they looked back at each other while we're watching you, they're so surprised, they didn't expected of what just happened.

while you're walking your way back to your seat

*Dustin applauded of what you did and he's very impressed at you"

"Yeah- that's right Amanda, go on tell them-"

"Never let them get into you and you did it, you proved them wrong." Mike proudly added

you smiled at them and you said "oh- thank you."

"Eddie was right, you're really one of us- I can't believe he already saw that in you and he haven't even met you yet." Dustin raises both of his brows out of realization

Mike gasped "What?! w-what?! Eddie did really said that?!"

"shockingly, yeah- I know it's the very first time that Eddie gets all wrapped up with her."

you eyes light up to what you just heard but you keep it not too obvious for them to see and you're so curious why they're so shocked about it so you asked them

"I'm sorry- can I ask why?"

"I honestly don't know yet- maybe we will see this different side of Eddie." Dustin lets out of deep sigh and thinks to himself yeah Eddie is nice and fun and all but he knows deep down he doesn't fully know him yet.

"yeah, I agree, I guess we really didn't knew him yet, we're friends and all but we really don't know nothing or anything about him. I'm kinda excited to see soft Eddie era" Mike chuckles

you giggled- "oh really? how come?"

"A lot of people here in Hawkins High hated him because he likes to listen to metal music and he wears black all the time which is ridiculous like who fucking cares right?! that they're scared because of that- most of the people here don't like it because it's "sATaniC" and odd you know- Dustin annoyingly explains

"OH- HE SELLS DRUGS!" one bully shouted out loud

"Wow- thank you for the wonderful information- you asshole!" Mike scrunches up his forehead annoyingly

you raised your eyebrow and looked at them

"Okay, Amanda it's not what you think- he's a very nice guy and he's a gentleman! don't believe every word that they said about him they're hypocrites! it's not like he just shoved them drugs onto their faces against their will!" Dustin rolled his eyes after explaining it to you

"yeah, I understand- it's okay to react, Amanda, that's what I thought before but we also understand why Eddie does it- his uncle is the only one that he has as a family you know- I know it's not right thing to do but it helped his way out to survive and provide help out his uncle." Mike explains while he lets out a soft eyes glaring at you and hoped that you're fully convinced he is not like the others think about him

you look at the both of them and you suddenly felt this comfort in your heart and you haven't felt that in such a long time, for all the years you spent suffering in those past schools that you attended before- it's not that you found something about Eddie- maybe this school is different, maybe it's better where you can finally be happy and free and also make unexpected friendships and just be yourself.

"No it's okay- I only reacted that way because I've never encountered something like this." you nod to reassure them

"So we're cool then?" Dustin glares at you in concern

*Both of them looking at you for your approval*

"yeah- we're cool- don't worry about it."

*the three of you paid attention to the class and after 30 mins- the bell rang and it's time for lunch*

"oh- finally I'm starving." Dustin exclaimed

"I'll catch up with you Dustin! You can come with us, Amanda." Mike said while he tugs out a soft smile in the corner

"sure." You eyes light up at Mike because finally someone is nice to you and hoping that you guys will became friends

while sitting at the cafeteria- everyone is talking about the three of you

"I fucking hate high school." Dustin angrily said while clenching his jaw

"Tell me about it." Mike while looking down at his food tray

"We'll just ignore them, they're not worth of our time so- where do we sit?" you groan after you asked them

they looked at you with their smugs all of their faces

"I like this girl-" Dustin saids with a silly grin

"oh god- please stop it- the day isn't over yet and I'm really hungry." you scoffed and chuckled

"wait- no wonder Eddie already liked you." Mike teasingly said while Dustin laughs

"CAN WE PLEASE JUST SIT DOWN?!?" you shouted out loud while you're so annoyed by them

"Alright, alright fine- jeez- you and Eddie both have the same temper." Dustin said wide eyes open

you rolled your eyes and put your bag into the table and picked up a tray and you find something to eat

while going back to the seat you saw Eddie already in there and all of the sudden you felt awkward and never felt this to anyone before maybe you liked him as well so you slowly walked towards to a different table

"hey, you little shits- what's up? have you met the new gal?" Eddie walks towards to the table and leans at them

"We already interacted with her and she's our acquaintance." Mike proudly said

"oh really? then what- she's doing on the other table?!" Eddie saids while his annoying expression appears as he sats down

"What?! Where?!" Dustin worriedly said

"LOOK ON THE OTHER SIDE YOU DUMB FUCKS!" Eddie shouted out loud and throws food at the both of them

"Jesus Christ-" Dustin startled

"Please believe us, Eddie! We literally saying the truth." Mike said while begging for his dear life

"I think she got shy when you came over." Dustin furrowed his brows with confusion

"hmm- is that so? I'll go right over to her then." Eddie let out a smirk while he looks at you

Mike and Dustin watches Eddie goes straight to you and Mike is so flabbergasted of what he just witnessed

"holy shit- you're we're right Dustin he never acts like this before what is going on with him?." Mike said scratching his head out of confusion

"I told you so-" Dustin shrugs

while you watched the three of them arguing with each other and you look back to your food and you suddenly feel someone looking at you- you raise your head and look at them again and saw

Eddie walking straight towards you and you feel your heartbeats so fast rapidly and you feel you're about to faint and you didn't even notice that you're hands are shaking and you don't understand what you're feeling right now and it feels like you have to get up from the table and ran away but you can't, you froze as he finally appears to the side of the table- looking at you from up and down

You can't even look at him in the eye and you don't even know why- maybe you had a crush on him? there's plenty of other students but he's the only one who can make you feel this nervous and right there at that moment you really want to get out of there and walk away from him

you try to get up until he stops you by holding your arm and you look back at him and finally you met his eyes- oh god- his eyes are so beautiful and you see him begging for you to stay even he doesn't say anything but somehow you already know it just by looking straight to his eyes

the tension is different- your heart flutters because of him holding your arm and you both didn't noticed that you're both staring for a long time and it felt like the time stops and the whole room is filled with silence you can't even hear the loud cafeteria anymore just him and you staring at each other

Eddie felt a connection towards you and he also doesn't understand why but he feels comfort just by looking at you and you feel the same way

you're both strangers- you didn't know him yet and he also doesn't know you that you even existed and god how he wished he already knew about you and kept thinking all over his head that where have you been all of his life? and you sudden had a thought about destiny, maybe this school is an only exception because of this moment you're having right now.

Eddie is the one who stopped the eye contact from you as he clears his throat and removes his hand from your arms and puts inside of his pockets breathing nervously

And you just wished he keep holding you until the school is over

you kept staring at him and you haven't gotten out of the trance yet and you see him blushing out of his cheeks and you realized what you're doing and that snapped out of you to go back to normal

you let out of a nervous chuckle "Oh- hi- I'm sorry-"

Eddie scratches the back of his neck as he thinks what he will do to make this not awkward and not fuck it up

you both sit down to the table and you feel like an idiot doing the same thing as he did and there's nothing funny about it but you just let out a smile on your face while looking down at the table

Eddie noticed it as he lets out a smirk on his face but he quickly removes it before you even noticed it and acts serious

"Uh- how are you?" Eddie asks with a concern on his eyes

you look at him with his soft chocolate button eyes and makes you wanna melt in his arms and never letting him go away

"I'm- I'm good, thank you." you said to him while you give him a sweet smile on your face

Eddie feels weak as he watch you smile at him and he is surprised you're not scared of him- well- all of the students we're afraid of him except for the friends he had on his club.

you on the other hand had the courage to speak up out of nowhere a sudden confidence not to feel awkward anymore cause you don't wanna waste this moment you're finally met him and you really want to be friends or maybe just maybe.... build a relationship?

"I'm Amanda, by the way" as you let out of hand in front of him offering him to shake hands with you

Eddie tilts his head and smiles while looking down at your hand and he shakes it.

"Likewise, I'm Eddie-"

"Munson" you cutted him off "yeah, I already heard about you, Dustin and Mike told me everything."

"Oh, really?" he straightens his back from the chair and put his arm around the chair and stares back at you

"Okay, so what do they told you about me?"

you scrunch up your forehead and squint your eyes and put your index finger tapping on to your chin while you think

Eddie lets out a small giggle while watching you he just wanna say how cute you are while you're thinking

"They say that you love D&D, you have this club." you pointed out to his shirt while he looks down on it nodding on you. "You hate bullies, I am still confused why everybody is afraid of you like there's nothing to be afraid of, you're not even scary!" you scoffed and laugh while explaining it. Eddie face lights up to what of you just said and this makes him love you even more. "You um- sell drugs..." You shrugged "but I don't even mind it all." Eddie lets out of a soft sigh and smiled at you as he worriedly thought of you didn't want to be near at him anymore but here you are, so sweet and so kind to him "and oh- one more thing." You added. Eddie furrows his eyebrows in confusion. You pointed out again his whole outfit and my god you wanted to tell him how hot he is and you realized you really have a type and that's exactly him "judging by the way you dress, you have exquisite music taste." you smiled while looking back at him

"Wow" Eddie lets out an impressed expression in his face and applaused at you

"You got them all right, sweetheart, and yes I do have exquisite music taste." Eddie nods and leans at you while tugs out a smile on the side of his lips

"Sweetheart" right there you just wanna crawl up to him and kiss him

"and in fashion as well." while you tug out of your clothes and you smile at him again, how many times I smile back at this boy? You think to yourself

he giggled and smile at you again "I already know who you are as well but it's just a little information that I know about you."

He pouts while looking at you

"Aww, that's too bad, it's not my fault tho- your boys have a big mouth." You gesture to the table where Mike and Dustin sitting and you noticed there's another group of people with them and you already know they're part of his club too cuz all of them wore the same shirt.

"Yeah, I know" he laughed while he is still looking at you "I can't stand them sometimes but I do care a lot to all of them." while he looks at the boys on the other side, Your eyes sparked up of how he expresses his emotions without any shame he doesn't care if the others thinks that he is too soft towards his friends, he really meant it just by the tone of his voice and it makes your heart full about it.

You look down on your lunch and you noticed that it's only 20 minutes left for lunch

"I'm sure you do, Eddie." you smile at him and he look back at you with his soft eyes and smiled back at you and he stares at you AGAIN

you're the one who cut the eye contact off because there's not time for lunch anymore if you continue to look back at him again, you cleared your throat "I think we should eat lunch now." you giggled

Eddie realizes of what he's been doing and he hadn't thought of you that you might be hungry since the two of you interacted earlier and brushes his hands up to his face out of disappointment

While you're watching him and you can't help but laugh at his reaction, Eddie removes his hands away from his face as he watches you laughing. oh- your laugh, your sweet voice, makes his heart warm and he laughs with you as well

"oh god- yeah you're right- shit- I'm sorry, you can eat with us if you want." Eddie asks and wishing you would say yes

"yes, I'd love to." you smile at him as you both get up and walk back towards to the table where all of his friends already eating lunch

It became quiet when you and Eddie finally infront of them at the table

Gareth already knows what happened as Mike and Dustin explained earlier but he is still absolutely confused why Eddie is with you maybe it's because he isn't used seeing Eddie with a girl around.

Jeff smirks at the both of you and thought to himself of what good looking couple you both are.

Dustin gets up and whispers to you and said "we already told them everything just ignore them." And he look back at the gang and give them a cold side eye not to say or do anything stupid to make you feel uncomfortable and he sits back down.

"Um- hi?" you waved your hand at them shyly

Eddie looks at you and he smiles as he put his arm around your shoulder and you widen your eyes at his action and look up at him and thank goodness your cheeks didn't go red as you control yourself.

"Guys, please be nice, this is Amanda and I'm sure she will make a fine member to us." Eddie carefully explains to his boys

all of them rolls their eyes and groans

"We already know, Eddie" Gareth scoffed

"and we also already know that you like her." Jeff teasingly said as he smirks

Mike and Dustin giggling as they're watching you completely froze of what you just heard while Eddie's arms is still around your shoulders.

and shit- you fucking blushed- as you thought to yourself that you handling yourself pretty well but you guessed not, you cleared your throat and you remove yourself from Eddie's arm as he watches you and the gang while you walk you quickly where your backpack is besides Mike and you sat down and said "I'm going to eat now, lunch is going to be over soon." you showed a shy smile at them

"Right." Eddie said and he sats down at the center of the table while he sneered at Jeff

Jeff rolls his eyes at him

"Wait, I get it now, This is so obvious, the tension-" Gareth finally realizes but before he finished Eddie shouted "SHUT UP!" as Gareth sighs out of frustration.

"Okay, so about on Friday, after Hellfire, all of us are going to Steve's house and cuz it's movie night!" Dustin excitedly said

"Oh- shit, yeah I completely forgot about that what are we going to watch then?" Mike asks

"Harrington?" you asked while you leaned back at Dustin as he almost chokes on the sandwich and take a gulp of his Coke he looks back at you "oh my god, I'm sorry I didn't told you before, yeah I know him, we're buddies." as he runs his hands up and down to his thighs

"Oh, wow, small world, that's cool." you smile at Dustin while you reach out for his back and pat him down.

Dustin clears his throat and nods and he hasn't recovered from the choke "Thank you."

"We should definitely watch Dune." Gareth exclaimed

"Absolutely not, The Nightmare On The Elm's Street it's a must watch!" Jeff argues with Gareth

"I think that is too dark, maybe we should Legend instead?" Mike suggests as he put his hands out in the table.

"How about Little Shop Of Horrors?" Dustin joins the argument

"Oh, god- that's so boring!" Gareth annoyingly said

"No one can argue on me on this one." Eddie shrugs

The whole gang went quiet as they wait for Eddie

"Indiana Jones must be on that list." he slams his hand down at them as they continue bickering with each other

You watched them all argue with every movie coming out of their mouths as you ate the last piece of sandwich on your food tray

from "Teen Wolf, E.T, The Goonies, Fright Night, Back To The Future, Footloose, The Shining."

"Labyrinth" you said as you swallow your sandwich and grab your Coke with the last ounce of it left.

They stopped arguing as they look at you and Dustin and Mike with smiles at their faces and Jeff and Gareth looked back at each other completely confused they didn't expected that to happen, meanwhile Eddie with his lips apart and his jaw almost drops on the floor and let out a smirk on you

"Well, aren't you full of surprises?" Eddie crosses his arms while he looks at you

You tilt your head at him and said "I am a movie lover, if you don't know that yet." You grin at him.

Eddie grinned back at you and giggled.

"Oh yeah? who directed Dune?" Gareth asks you seriously.

"Gareth, oh my god stop-" but before Dustin he can continue, you answered Gareth "David Lynch"

Gareth's jaw dropped and laughed he looks back at Jeff who is also impressed

You roll your eyes at the both of them shaking your head off at the same time until Jeff asks you another one "How many John Hughes movies that he created?"

"That's too easy, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, The Breakfast Club, Sixteen Candles, Pretty In Pink, Some Kind Of Wonderful." Jeff and Gareth are in shock as you kept going naming every movie

"Damn, okay, she even knows Some Kind Of Wonderful." Jeff exclaimed as he looks back at Eddie

Little did you know that's one of Eddie's favorite movies and his heart almost stopped that you're aware of the said movie, he can't help himself to let out a big smile while looking at you.

"Okay, so in conclusion- all of the movies that we mentioned you already seen them all?" Mike politely asks

"Yeah, I do, I love to watch movies it's like my favorite thing ever, it makes me happy." You didn't even notice your face radiates as you talk about what you love.

"I'm sorry, was that too much? I get so excited when I talk about what I love the most." you look all of them in concern

"Nah, you're fine, I would love to hear more about movies that you like." Dustin reassures you as he put his arm on the table resting his chin to look at you and he nods at you to proceed

"Well, um-" all of them watching you as you shift on your seat and look down out of embarrassment because you haven't gotten this much attention before and you're not used to it and you're surprised that they will listen to anything that you liked to say "I also love action and historical movies! but most of the time I just really enjoy every kind of movie genre, but, maybe that's just me, I'm a movie goer so, I guess I liked movies when it's good, it depends sometimes though if it's really shit and boring then I don't like it." you laughed and they all laughed as well

Eddie checking you out as he looks at you from top to bottom, your hair is brown beautiful volume layered haircut it's a little bit curled at the sides and he loves the way you put it on the other side when it's hitting your face and you style it so perfectly and nicely just the way he likes it and you have this rock n' roll hand sign pendant necklace and sword earrings and he notices that you have painted black nail polish with a black scrunchie on your right wrist and you also have a few rings and a simple black leather belt bracelet on your left wrist and his eyes widen as he realizes that you both somehow have the same taste and you wear an off shoulder long sleeve black blouse a little ruffled at the top of it with denim ripped jeans with Nike with beige, cream and rose colors on it as your shoes.

He still watches you, continue to talk about movies with all of them, your smile and laughter fills his heart with comfort, he wanted to be with you so bad.

"My god, she looks amazing." as he thought to himself but he wanna said it, but he doesn't want you to be teased by his friends but he loves the way you flustered by him.

"You guys, should watch The Untouchables! I promise, you won't regret it!" You exclaimed that made Eddie snap out of his thoughts

"If you say so, I'm in!" Dustin happily voted

"Same here" Mike raises his hand

"I admit I judge you too harshly but now I think you're going to be one of favorite schoolmates here, so fuck yeah, I'm in." Gareth nudges Jeff's arm

I highly agree with you on that one." Jeff looks at Gareth and back at you and nods

You smiled to all of them, you noticed almost all of them agree to what you said but there's one more person left..... It's Eddie

While they noticed you're looking at Eddie all of them sigh as they realized, it's hard to impress Eddie, they all been there before.

Hell- you already won his heart at the first place but of course he's not going to admit it but soon he will be, he just wanted to test you more, if you really KNOW every bit of movies to music that he likes as well.

Since he noticed how you dressed, he let out a smug smile on you, he uncrosses his arms and taps on the table as he thinks of he's going to say

"Whoops, this is not going to end well." Gareth glares at you

You burrow your eyesbrows in confusion

until Eddie asked you a question "So, tell me, Amanda, what kind of band that you reminds of how I style?"

You raised your eyebrows "it's obviously you look like Kirk Hammett from Metallica." you huffed

Gareth, Jeff, Dustin and Mike laughed controllably and they look at him with his face of defeat on his face

Your answer is right that's why he's pressed about how quickly you answered, He nods while looking at you licking his lips as he thinks another question

You smile at him sarcastically

"Name every band from the 70's, you think you can handle that?" Eddie shrugs

"OOOOH- now that's a tough one." Jeff raises his eyebrows at you

"Are you sure you can handle me?" You crossed your arms and you said that so confidently that made Eddie flustered.

The boys are giggling and teasing Eddie as they watch their Dungeon Master getting defeated by you and he hasn't been defeated like this before.

"Oh- don't you underestimate me, darling." Eddie while he moved his lips to the side

"Fine, I'm terrified!" you rolled your eyes as your put your hand out as you count down putting finger down one by one while you mentioned every band from the 70s from "Black Sabbath" "Deep Purple" "Led Zeppelin" and much, much more you said every important details about them and even the fun facts you also told him as well.

The whole gang was left in a state of shock and Eddie is stoned and couldn't even blink to hear everything what you just said, legend saids he is still processing....

You put both of your arms infront of the table and rest your chin to your hands looking back at Eddie "Well?" you smiled at him teasingly.

"Man, you're so fucked up right now." Jeff looks at Eddie while giggling with Gareth

"Looks like we got another metalhead around." Gareth nods at you

"it's the same thing with movies though, I enjoy every genre of music as well, I love Michael Jackson, he's my idol." You smiled at Gareth

"That's awesome." Gareth agrees

Eddie doesn't stop there, he didn't knew much about Michael Jackson's music but he already listens some of his work and admits that his stuff is very cool, he likes it. He knows only one fun fact about his one song though.

"Who's the one played the guitar solo on Beat It?" Eddie asks you while he smirked

Jeff and Gareth looks at you with wide eyes and Mike and Dustin crossing their fingers hoping you will be able to win this once and for all.

"Are you seriously being for real now, Eddie? You even have the same name as the guitarist!" You raised both of your hands out of annoyance

He raises his eyebrows at you as he already know that you knew the answer but he still wanted to hear you say it. "You haven't answered my question though, Tell me, Who is it?"

You sigh, shaking your head while you answered "Eddie Van Halen from the band Van Halen."

Jeff and Gareth cheered for you and Mike and Dustin shouted "YES" as they slammed their hands on the table

"You really got me, Amanda, I guess I'll be seeing you at Friday." Eddie salutes at you as he lets out a smile.

"I'll be there, Eddie." you smile back at him

You thought Eddie will get mad at you because he loses, but you're happy how he celebrates with the others with you that you won over him

The bell rings and the lunch is over, all of you stand up and quickly ran out of the cafeteria

Eddie waves back at Gareth and Jeff and he told them "Later."

Mike and Dustin asks you which class you're going to and you hand out your paper to them and they look at your schedule and they frowned at you because this next period you're not going to the same class with them "Oh, that's okay, guys, I'm not going anywhere away from you." You laughed "We will see you later okay? Just find us if you need anything, You'll be fine." Mike said in concern "Oh shit-" as Dustin look at his watch and they're going to be late "We gotta run for it Mike! Don't forget us Amanda!"

"I won't!" You shouted back at Dustin and Mike waves bye to you as he almost trips off and follows Dustin, you giggled at them as they quickly ran into the hallway.

You look back down on to your schedule and finding the next room that you're going to attend which is on the 2nd Floor and you noticed you're the only one left standing in the hallway and you turned around bumped infront of Eddie

"Woah, easy there." Eddie holds both of your arms as he steadying you.

"Oh! I'm sorry."

You smile at him and move away from him a little bit and you asked him "Can you point out which direction is this room?"

Eddie looks at your schedule "My, my, we both have the same class, I'm also going there as well."

"Really?! that's great!" You blinked out of annoyance of how you sounded, you look down at embarrassment.

He giggled and he lets his arm out for you to hold "You're very cute, you know that? Don't be embarrassed about it, You're doing fine just like Dustin said earlier, Don't apologize."

You hold his arm that he puts out for you and you look up at him with a smile at your face and he smiles back at you and he's happy that he made you smile, he doesn't see your disappointed expression anymore

"Ah, There she is! Now, Let's go get to class" Eddie added

You both arrived perfectly in time at English class and coincidentally there's two available seats available at the back and you both sat down together...

You both ignore the glares of your classmates giving you and he is also glad that you didn't care anything about them at all.

Finally, the teacher arrived and discusses as Eddie thinks is super boring but he looks at you very attentive at the middle of the class, you didn't even noticed that he's looking at you from time to time because you're so focused on the topic that the teacher is discussing, you're taking down notes.

He tears a piece of paper and scribble something down and gives it to you quickly before the teacher saw it while she's writing on the blackboard.

You looked down and look at Eddie with a smile on his face, you smiled so confused at him and you pick the piece of paper and hiding it from the teacher while you read it what it says.

"I would like to take you out on a date ;)" you giggled quietly and you scribble down as Eddie looking at you he leans in a little bit while he's trying to take a peek of what you're writing, you noticed this you turn away from him and you poke out your tongue at him.

He laughed and raises his both of his hands up while whispering "alright, alright."

You turn back and give the paper back to him, he unfolded it and read "That was fast, but I feel like we should get to know each other first, Eddie. But I'd love to go out with you soon. ♡"

Eddie's eyes softens while he's reading it, your handwriting is much as beautiful as you, and he looked back at you and you wink at him.

"Okay." he whispers to you and smiles back at you.

Eddie respects your decision, which is surprising to you because it's rare to have nice guys like him and you know for sure he will bring the best dates ever, If it happens.

You're glad you have the same classes with Eddie which makes it even better for you to come at school without being awkward. You feel comfortable spending time with him, it's only been one whole day that you met him and get to know him but it feels like you're been together for years, you get along with each other so easily and naturally. Eddie thinks the same thing.

You both walk towards your locker, you remove your hand from Eddie's arm and you put your bag down to put stuff away from your locker.

"Finally, school is over." you inhale and exhale infront of your locker while putting your notebooks and left the ones that has homework.

Eddie leans on the side of your locker "Aww please, don't make this day over yet, I wanna spend some more time with you." He pouts and his eyes doe back at you.

"Gosh, Eddie, I'm with you since after lunch?! and now!" You giggled while you push him back away.

Eddie laughed and said "But I meant it though, Finally, I have the reason to go to school everyday." he smirked at you

You roll your eyes as you close your door locker and grab your backpack.

"So, what are you doing later?" Eddie asks while he moves closer to you.

"Um, probably going home and do homework." You shrug as you look back down.

"Oh, do you want to-" Eddie gets cut off by Gareth running towards at you both

He rolls his eyes and sigh because of the interruption

"Eddie, There you are! We've been looking for you everywhere! Come on, we have to go, man! the campaign?! Have you completely forgotten about it?! We've been planning this since last week!" Gareth saids with the high tone of his voice as he catches up with his breath from running

"Fuck, yeah, you right! My bad, I'm going with you." but he halted his tracks and goes back to you "Amanda, you can come with us." Eddie softens his eyes at you

"Yeah, take her with you!" Gareth shouted

but before you can answer, Eddie grabs your hand and the three of you ran across the hallway and turn left and absolutely didn't care if you guys bumping each other of the students as you ran faster.

"HEY, WATCH IT!" "ARE YOU BLIND FREAKS?" "WATCH WE'RE YOU GOING LOSERS!" but you all of you didn't care at all to everyone calling you guys out until you reached the destination.

It's a abandoned room filled with broken chairs and tables and you look around they designed it very well done with Mountain Dew cans everywhere but Eddie and the boys asks for permission to use this while he told you and their teacher lets them use it which is surprising to you.

You saw Dustin and Mike arguing with each other and you notice someone new to you and he looks at you and walk straight towards you "You must be Amanda, Hi, I'm Lucas, Lucas Sinclair! " gleefully greets you as he lets out his hand to shake your hands with you.

"it's nice to meet you, Lucas." You smile at him while he shakes your hand.

"She's a nerd just like us! You're going to love her." Eddie exclaimed besides you

"I think I already like her." Lucas nods at Eddie and looks back at you

"I didn't saw you at the cafeteria earlier? at lunch?" You asked Lucas

"Oh, yeah, right, I was in a basketball game practice." Lucas answers as he clears his throat glares at Eddie and look back down.

"It's okay though, even I don't like people around that area but I don't want them to be closed forever, if they want to socialize with anyone." Eddie puts his hand on Lucas shoulder to reassures him that it was fine.

Lucas sighs of relief "Thank you, Eddie." as he smile back at him.

You admire how understanding everyone is even though you find them scary at first but you find it interesting and you got used to it.

Dustin claps back his hand as he got everyone's attention at him

"Are we going to start or not?" Dustin glares at everybody in the room.

Everyone goes to their respective seats and Eddie pulls you with him as he puts a chair near him and he gestures you to sit down.

"You don't have to do anything, you can just relax and watch us." Eddie tells you as he worries that you might get bored while they play the game.

you noticed Eddie's expression and you put your hand on the back of his hand and you say "I am curious about this game and I wanted to learn as well, don't worry, I'm interested." you smile at him while your rub your thumb on his hand.

Eddie ever since you talked to each other loves your enthusiasm and he smile at you while he reaches out to your hair and tugs behind your ear.

You blushed but you didn't care and you stare each other AAAAGAIN.

Jeff releases out a yawn and stretches his back and looks back at the two of you.

Gareth makes a kissing sound and teases you both.

"They're both cute though." Lucas smirks at the both of you

"Yeah, they've been staring at each other since like forever!" Mike shoves his hand around his face.

"This is going to take a century before we even get started!" Dustin shouted but he takes it back after you look at him "Oh, no offense, Amanda, I'm sorry."

You and Eddie let go at each other with embarrassment across your faces

"Fine, Let's start." Eddie raises brows at all of them

"And our Master is back." Gareth teases Eddie

"Funny, shut up, Gareth!" as he shouted back at him

It's been an hour since the game started, you loved how dedicated Eddie is while he's storytelling to everyone.

You laughed at all of them when everyone lets out a groan and everybody raving about who's the one is going to make the first move.

they all argue and shouted at each other and they all get up and says a timeout before they decided.

"You know what, screw it" Dustin having no other choice

"Give me the D20." turns around at Eddie and throws at him as he catches it.

"Are you serious, Dustin? that could kill us all?!" Jeff panicking

"Never tell me the odds." Dustin says

He rolls out the D20

Eddie watches it and bangs his head "That's a miss!"

"What?! No!" Dustin hits the things out of the air and everyone else started yelling at each other

"You guys, wait." You said at them

Everyone looks at you "There's one more chance, right? I volunteer to throw the second one."

Mike and Dustin shrugs at each other and Gareth dart his eyes from you and back to Eddie meanwhile Jeff on the other hand losing his shit at the game.

"Then, what are we waiting for? Bring her in Eddie!" Lucas exclaims as he walks towards you and grabs you and puts you to the center of the game and caught Dustin off guard as Lucas quickly picks up the D20 from his hand.

All of them looked at you and you look at Eddie with your eyes asking if it's okay with him you playing his game.

"Sure, why not." as he shifts from his seat and lean on the table as he watches you.

"Oh my god it's happening." Dustin as he paces back and forth beside you

"Please" Gareth expresses his hopes while you started closing your eyes while your roll the D20

"Come on!!!!" Mike yelling

You focused on the roll and concentrate with it and all of the sudden the noise from the panicking of the guys seems all blurry to you as you let you go of the D20

Jeff put his hands over his head

Lucas put his hand over his mouth and closes his eyes

Eddie watches closely and it ends with 20

"Crit hit!" You jumped out of excitement and everyone cheered

"WHAT?! WHAT?!" Eddie jumped as well and laughs as he claps back

You look at him with a proud smile at your face and everyone at your back still celebrating

He leans down and as he welcomes you to his game

Everyone goes out from the room still cheering you on as they still rambling about how amazing you are at the game, it's unbelievable to them that you did that and it was your first time playing but you did it so naturally....

Mike and Dustin gives you an unexpected hug from them before they go home and hug them back as they told you "See you tomorrow, Amanda!" You waved at them and you say "You too!"

Lucas hugs you as well and he pats down your back "You're so cool, I'm hoping to see you again soon." You smiled back at him "Not as cool as you, Sinclair." He laughs and waves bye to you.

While waving to Lucas, Gareth and Jeff appears beside you and you look at the both of them "I have never seen anyone defeated Eddie like that! You already beat him at lunch and now at his game!" Jeff exclaims as he shakes your hand "Not gonna lie, that's a really good game." as he pats your shoulder and you say "I try my best." you raised both of shoulders and smile at them, they both chuckled as they wave bye to you.

Before you left the building you heard someone running behind you and you turn back and it's Eddie trying to keep up with you.

"Amanda! Wait up!" as he raises his hand to stop you.

You chuckled and you say "What's up, Eddie?"

"it's late, I would like to give you a ride home." as he catches up his breath.

"Oh no, Eddie, I'll be fine, please, I can go home by myself." You walk away from him and you continue walking

Eddie follows you and he lets out a frustrated sigh "I insist, I will be worried as hell if you go by yourself, I can't stand it!"

You halt your tracks and look back at him with his doe eyes.

Eddie moves closer to you as he holds your hand "Please?"

You stare at him and look at your hand while he's holding it and who's going to say no to Eddie with those eyes? as you think to yourself.

You sigh and smiled back at him "Alright, fine, Eddie, you can take me home."

Eddie grinned as he still holds your hand while you both going to the parking lot.

"Oh wow" as you look at Eddie's RV Van.

"What is it?" He asks

"Nothing, it's just I like RV's and I didn't expected it." You said while looking at Eddie and back at the van.

He laughs while he opens the door for you and he quickly rans to the driver seat.

He gestures you to put on your seatbelt "Safety first always."

You smiled at him while you put on your seatbelt as he starts up the engine.

The drive home is silent but comfortable, you open the windows down and you love the cold breeze from outside as you peek out your head a little bit.

Eddie watches you as your hair flowing out everywhere and the night sky is beautiful the moonlight shines through the both of you.

"So, uh, direct me which way we're going?" He asks you

"Yeah, right, of course just drive straight until you reached the end of the road and turn right." You pointed out the directions as he follows you

"Wait, you live here?"

"Yes, what is wrong, Eddie?

"I literally live just a few blocks from here on the other side at the back."

"No, you kidding?!"

"No, I am not! I am telling you the truth!"

"See that gate at the end of the road?"

"Yeah"

"Just walk straight on the right side of the road and you'll see my trailer in there."

You look back at him with your lips apart

"it's truly a small world, huh?"

"Yeah, it is."

"Oh wait, we're almost there just one more house." You lean at him and he smell the hint of your perfume and he smirks down at you.

"Here we are, Well I guess this is goodbye." He turns off the engine and he looks back at you with a frown on his face.

"Don't be like that, Eddie, I am not going to die, you always sound like something's bad is going to happen to me." You laughed while looking at him.

He didn't laugh but he just shows a sad smile on you and you look at him with confusion on your eyes and you tell him.

"I'm sorry, but this is getting a lot weird, why are you so being so nice to me?" You asked him

"I just feel, something good around you and I don't know why, I'm sorry, if I was being weird all the time, if I made you uncomfortable." Eddie looks down as he rubs his eyes

"No, please, my bad, don't thought of me anything like that, it's just- you stutter " I wasn't uncomfortable at all ever since I got to know you at school, I'm not used to anything that ever happened today I guess."

He looks back at you, with his eyes full of understanding and he nods while he lets out a smile on the side of his lips

"I admit that my parents are wealthy, I love them, they're nice parents and all." you sigh and look back down and started fidgeting with your rings. Eddie watches you carefully with a concern look on his eyes and he notices your actions which he knows that you're nervous and scared of what he will be thought of you after this but all he thinks to himself that everything is going to be okay.

"I just can't take the pressure from the "rich kids world" as you gestures both of your fingers with the quotation marks while you rolled your eyes, Eddie chuckled as he continues listening to you

"That's why I left it ever since and my parents don't mind it at all, they're very sweet about it and they always prioritize my feelings first if I'm doing okay." He nods

"I'm also sorry, If I keep apologizing to you and with the boys as well, it's been years since I've felt this joyful energy to anyone, if I say something about I love and I get excited while talking about it and they always turn me down like wrecking my vibe off."

"I just wanted to know if you have good intentions with me. It's hard for me to trust anyone today because people always takes advantage of my kindness but it's my personality, you know, you huffed "that's just who I am and I'm proud that I can survive even though sometimes it hurts. You look back at him and you realize how long he's been staring at you since you're talking.

You blush under his gaze on you and he clears his throat "I don't want to hurt you or anything, I swear to my soul, I just wanted to get to know you and maybe even build a relation- uh I mean friendship!" Eddie almost slips off a word there that it made you bursted out a laugh.

Eddie felt amazing when everytime he successfully made you laugh and he doesn't care if he smiles even wider than before while watching you struggling to stop your laughter.

"But don't get me wrong, I'm going to be honest with you, I felt the same way as well."

"You do?"

"Yeah, I felt the same wave of energy when I'm with you as well, I feel like I can tell you everything without worrying about it." You look away from him and stare at the road.

Eddie's eyes widen of what you just said to him.

"it just feels-

"Right"

Eddie cuts you off as you look back at him and you smiled

You look at your watch and it says 8pm and you look back at him and you say "I should better get going. My parents might be worried about me." as you reached for the door handle.

"Wait, no, no- let me!" Eddie quickly gets off the driver seat and he opens the door for you.

You laugh how silly he runs around the van.

You go down while helped you get out of the van carefully he walks with you until you both reached the doorstep and turn around at him.

"Is that too much to process for a whole day of my first day to school?" You asked while you awkwardly chuckled and look back down.

Eddie shakes his head and reaches out to your chin and he tilts it back up and says "No, I would love to listen to you all day and I will be there for you whenever you want or needed someone to talk to." He looks both of your eyes and leans down to kiss your cheek.

You gasp at his action but you smile at him and he rubs your cheek as you let yourself rest it.

"I'm so proud of you even though I don't know the half of it yet, I'm not asking you to tell me everything but if you're just ready, I'll be there for you always, you don't deserve anything that happened to you and don't ever doubt and blame yourself of it, it's not your fault, I don't know why am I felt this way to you I know it's coming all so fast but fuck it breaks my heart seeing you like this, don't ever shut yourself to anyone."

Your eyes burning out from holding back the tears as you nod at him "Thank you so much, Eddie."

He rubs your cheek one last time "Don't mention it, Sweetheart, See you tomorrow."

He walks back but you grab his hand to stop him, he looks back at you with your eyes glistening with tears and you hugged him.

Eddie almost falls how aggressively you embrace him and now this time, this is the time when Eddie left in shock, he almost cried as well cuz nothing ever happened to him like this before he chuckles under his breath as he hugs you back resting his head above you and he kisses it, you embrace him even more and you rest your head on his chest, Eddie can feel you smiling underneath him and he does the same thing as well.

"Now, now how am I supposed to go home if you can't let me go?" He jokes to you while he releases his arms away from you.

And you laughed while you look back up at him as he wipes your tears away with his fingers "Okay, goodnight, Eddie, you can pick me up tomorrow in the morning on the way for school."

"Sure thing, goodnight darling." Eddie says as you both walked away from each other.

but before you close the door you watch him get to his van and he starts the engine.

He looks at you from the window and he waved you goodbye and you waved him back.

You watch him as he droves away.

[intertexts-moving]

HHHHHHHHHHH

so funny story i saw that post you made some time ago when you were liveblogging the cloak scene, the "did it hurt" scene and it significantly changed my view

also ive never looked at their second meeting that way before. i have many thoughts re: first conversation, first interaction (? is it an interaction when you try to flirt with a stranger up the banister and they ignore you?,,, asking for a friend), but never paid much attention to the ehem conVENIENT "you fall i catch" thing beyond how weirdly interesting it is. since wkx has no romantic/platonic/personal-anything intention at all at that point, but subconsciously is very much drawn to the guy still. but yeah actually, this is kind of spot on. HH oh god fuck im not going to be normal about this. i thought i was insane when i clocked that their first conversation, when wkx starts talking about that butcher and about how it must be impossible for someone to have that level of skill as zzs being in disguise without any traces of it at all suggests, has so many layers already. hes speaking there as if he has perceived zzs without realizing it. perceived him as this guy who has basically made himself into a myth (like wkx himself!) and as this thing completely unattinable for him, a man mirroring him down to his soul and living a life he can only dream of. the yearning!!! ughghguhgg. the complete lack of self-awareness of it!!!! the hilarity of the situation because wkx is right, and he is literally only following a gut instinct, and he has no idea!!! i thought i was overthinking it a little. im glad im not alone there, seeing things in their first interactions that, without ever really being talked about, ripple deep into the story??

and oh a mutual tag! thats a great idea im going to do that too. siren is very much fine, what would you like me to tag you as?

YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!! yeah yeahyeah ive been thinking abt this all day actually.. like. the subconscious recognition. the like. the inherent understanding the two of them have even b4 they know each other!!! first thing zzs ever thinks abt wkx is the "somehow, in this vast sea of strangers, he still found someone who understood." the first reaction he pulls out of wkx is that hey. huh. i was right? moment when he hears him echo that he was sunbathing. & its so indicative of how they continue on out from there- iirc, wkx never tells zzs he's the ghost valley master. zzs never actively tells wkx about the nails. or any of the other shit they have going on. its the. silent hunch & feeling things out & recognition... like fumbling around in a dark room except they find the light switch every time first try.

& YEAH i havent thought abt it that way b4 but u are SO right... the inherent hilarity of wkx just. really just making fifty educated guesses in a row about zzs and each one of them hitting spot on. the way that yeah the only reason that it. Works. is bcos they genuinely are mirrors of each other& all the things they see abt the other map back onto themselves too..

also GOD. i think abt the cloak scene & wkx's way of interacting w/ zzs so much.. this is. probably bcos i'm disabled (re: chronic fatigue & illness etc.) & i've had variously disabled friends & like... idk. i recognize it!!! the way he is like. "okay. i'm treating you like normal i'm not gonna be weird about it i'm gonna try not to make you uncomfortable about it. but nevertheless if you're in pain i'm going to help you in the most straightforward way possible. idiot. just because i dont treat you like you're glass doesn't mean i'm gonna let you hurt. just because your body is slowly running down like a broken machine doesn't mean i'm gonna treat you like you're made of glass. i want to do whatever i can for you though ok?".....makes me froth at the mouth NFNSDFKSDFD.

[sedna-integration]

I'm tired.

I'm emotionally and mentally exhausted.

I turned 30 yesterday and all day I only wanted to go back home and stare at a wall instead of doing my job. I didn't take my emotional state out on anyone. If anything I went out of my way to try talking to customers who seemed down. But I still need to air out what I'm feeling right now and why because I don't really want to talk about this with anyone.

I do want to preface by saying I have had good things happen to me and I'm appreciative of those things. But the bad is what is weighing on me right now.

---

The past few years have sucked ass. I knew what my orientation was since before using this site in 2009 but never openly commented about it b/c I saw how weird people could get not only from knowing but also the way I can see people try to force ideological things.

The moment I offhandedly mention in in a relevant context that's exactly what happened. That same person went on to disrespect my boundaries and try to force a relationship on me despite explaining to them as politely as I could that I would never date them because of things that have been said/done to me by them. I can see they have grown/changed. But I still just can't. (This started from them learning my orientation.)

Moreover prior to the above: I came across a transwoman who was into some of the stuff I was into and we were just talking/hanging7 out. I think I mentioned one convo I had w/ her about social stuff he lashed out at me. "You're a heterosexual male invading a trans space".

1. I'm bi and was before I met this dude. 2. She and I quite literally hit it off over discussing social issues and Monster Hunter. 3. She actually decided to approach me; not the other way around. Aside from checking on her mental once I never pushed for direct convo before she did. Not that I was uninterested in doing so. I just didn't think she'd want to so I didn't bother.

---

I've had two different people lash out at me and tell me my life is easy. I don't know the full scope of what was going on with them because neither told me. One of them had to deal with his parents divorcing. Despite doing what I could to be there for him by using most of what little money I had as a teenager to check on him weekly via public transport he rarely if ever went outside for over 6y after.

When he finally did go out in college he blamed me for not trying harder. He blamed me for not understanding because "you make friends so easily". I don't. People see I'm nice to people and try to use/abuse me. I give out help liberally (I'm mindful not to strech myself too thin) but none of those people were close to me and most of them did not care about my wellbeing.

He also insisted I had multiple relationships (not all at once mind you) because of secondhand and wrong info just b/c I was seen in the mall with different chicks over the years.

In truth? I was nearly fucked over socially b/c a woman tried to steal me from her supposed best friend and when I denied her advances she made false accusations. To make it worse she tried molesting me repeatedly and all her false accusations were things she tried to do to me. I was lucky it went nowhere. It still fucked me up mentally for 3 years.

But yeah somehow I'd been dating even though I was in mental disrepair.

The truth? I was hanging out in a group for every single thing he mentioned. I was just one of a few guys & there were always more chicks than us in college groups. None of them ever dated me. Some even, without my ever asking, said they'd never do so b/c I'm black so L M FUCKING A O.

I politely told him to never speak to me again. I explained his refusal to actually listen to what he was mistaken about, judging me based on assumptions, lack of attempting to find out what lengths I went to to check on him or anything like that made me feel he has no respect for me.

To make it worse mutuals tried to force me to hang out with him after this despite me explaining in greater detail why I refused to. I was made out to be "whiny", "unreasonable", "inflexible" etc. I put a lot of time and effort into checking on and caring for this dude not expecting anything from doing so. To be lashed out at for not trying hard enough when I put my own wants to the side to be there for him? Absurd.

Paying for the bus to go out to where everyone else lived was a sacrifice I made that prevented me from buying things I wanted to buy or going places I wanted to go because I was poor. I never complained about doing it. I'm not even complaining about it right now. But it's important to understand I actively chose to do that and got ragged on anyway. My prioritizing the wellbeing of a friend over my personal enjoyment wasn't something I had to do. I did it because I wanted to. I sincerely hope he is doing well but I never want to see or speak to him again. I am not tolerating that. Especially because he had months to rectify his misunderstanding or to talk to me about any of this before the day he wantonly laid into me about things he assumed.

The second was drunk off his ass and it did lead to us not speaking for a while but I've let it pass. I'm not really sure what to do with this situation but I've just decided to see how this one pans out b/c it never came up again aside from the 1 off situation.

---

I had someone simply not properly read most what I say for the past 5ish years and assume I'm a misogynist because I speak about guys issues sometimes. Completely missing the fact that I have a better working understanding of social issues than they do and also speak about women's issue too. "Why did you always talk about guys issues to me" Gee I dunno you keep saying things I can't be sure are ignorant or misandrist so instead of accosting you I try to be educational about it. I do the same shit w/ women's issues and they have seen me do this repeatedly. Selective ignorance I guess.

She (also MTF but different from the person mentioned above) apologized and even said she'd betrayed me. This is when they finally asked questions like the above and said "oh you responded in a way I didn't expect you to, that's good". I replied via the discord reply function to show I said most of the exact same things I answered her questions with that night years ago.

---

Another friend lashes out at me because she keeps reading things I say in the most negative possible light. She asked me to do some stuff on an account of hers. The HSR RNG manipulation stuff. While I'm looking over her items I record my doing so to explain what I'm doing as I do it. TLDR: it's a lot of pattern recognition stuff.

I tried to see what the current pattern was likely to be then I looked for items that had worthwhile stats based on what the pattern would likely upgrade. So if top down the stats are 1 2 3 4 and the pattern was 2424 I'd be looking for items with stats worth boosting in both the 2 and 4 slot. When she watched the clips of me just quietly thinking her assumptions were all about how I was prolly thinking her items were shit. That was nowhere remotely near where I was mentally.

When I ask "why did you do x" I ask because I'm trying to understand what her aim was. What she was trying to find. What she was aiming at. I CAN understand that could be taken in a more admonishing way.

But when she makes it clear to me that's what she thought I was doing and I clarify "nah, I was just trying to understand what you were aiming at/looking for" then insists "no you were insulting me" or something similar? I don't think the issue is so much what I'm saying as much as how you're choosing to read it.

Because I heard you. I understood what happened. I tried to rectify things. Hell maybe you need space and that's fine. But you're choosing to disregard the clarity I'm giving and double down on insisting I was trying to do something I wasn't.

I'm made to be accountable for her emotions.

---

I get mad. A lot of what I've spoken about here pisses me all the way the fuck off. But I still sit and process and mitigate and talk through things. I compartmentalize my emotions to a degree even w/ arguments b/c I think focusing on the topic at hand to resolve it is the main thing that needs to be focused on.

I do this b/c I've come to feel if I don't the other party won't. Learned behavior. And honestly? I'm starting to believe it just lets people think they can fuck me over b/c I have a higher tolerance. The tolerance I built up is so I can hopefully work through a situation others can't. It doesn't mean I'm letting you get away with more. I will mention after the main topic whatever you said that hurt and how/why it hurt me. I'll even say it doesn't need to be addressed in the moment but I want to come back to it. And so often people want to sweep things aside and call me out for not dropping things. I drop things when they are something that happens occasionally. If a behavior is consistent it needs to be addressed. If you're gonna blatantly disrespect my feelings/emotions but expect me to value yours?

I shouldn't have to tell you how hypocritical that is.

I have not wanted to poof out of existence this much in a long time.

I'm tired. I'm angry. But I'm not allowed to be angry. Because it's my fault. My phrasing. How I speak.

If I don't assume the worst of you 24/7 why do you assume the worst of me? I understand self-esteem issues being a factor. I understand you had a rough couple years. But the way you treat me is not okay and is something that predates your recent struggles. And now I've shifted to typing this as if I'm talking to you even though I'm 99% certain you won't even see this.

I'm so fucking tired.

[apricusnights]

Chapter Twenty-three: Aurora.

Location: Ciar Tower, Aurora Vale.

Hades: "And you're sure she can keep everything in check for a little while?"

Russ: "She's got the security systems locked up. All surveillance has been put on a loop. She even faked a few emergencies to get Ciar Security out of the district. She won't be able to keep it up forever though."

Hades: "Good enough." He'd put down a small spider robot that scurried over and began its work.

Russ: "And YOU'RE sure this is gonna get us into the labs?" Watching the robot cut its way up from the tunnels below Ciar Tower.

Hades: "Not my first rodeo breaking into this place. They aren't that clever."

Kash meanwhile was oddly silent as everything was going on. Only snapping out of it when a chunk of the ceiling fell down and the robot moved on to the next layer.

Russ: "You ok?"

Kash: "Yeah, I just wish Van was here."

Russ: "Why?"

Kash: "I dunno, seems like it would be more fun with everyone together."

The robot cut through another layer. A chunk of metal fell down, bringing with it a rather confused Van Marigold.

Russ: "Wish granted?"

Hades: "What the fuck?"

Van: "Uh, hi?"

Van: "What the hell are you guys doing here?"

Kash: "Hi Van!"

Van: "Hey Kash."

Russ: "We're breaking into the tower...what does it look like?"

Hades: "Start talking before I roast you.."

Van: "Try it fuckhead.."

Kash: "No fighting!"

Van: "Ugh fine. I was breaking into the tower. Security was low and I managed to get in through the air ducts. I just crawled out and the second my feet hit the ground, the ground proceeded to fall down here."

Hades: "What business do you have here?"

Van: "The weird fucking rabbit syndicate mentioned Aurora. Andrasta won't talk about it. Needed to find out what it was for myself."

Kash: "Cool! Us too! Let's go see!"

Van: "I don't trust your boss.."

Hades: "You went a good portion of your existence trusting me."

Van: "Everybody makes mistakes.."

Russ: "Come on.."

The spider robot moved up into the tower before lowering down cables to climb up. The group somewhat reluctantly followed.

The room they entered into was far below Ciar Tower. A scientific facility of some sort. Strange equipment was everywhere. A room connected to it seemed to house several chambers that were currently empty. Some of the chambers were damaged.

Hades: "Can she get into the system?"

Van: "Who?"

Russ: "Top secret, but yes she can." He sat down in front of a console, plugging in a small device. "Give me a few minutes."

Kash hated this place. He had no idea why, but he did. It smelled bad, smelled kind of like the girl he met. Something about it almost made him sick. Still, he wandered around the room.

Eventually making his way into the room with the chambers, he reached out and ran his fingers along one. Flashes of events suddenly seemed to force their way into his brain. He remembered something, or rather was trying to remember. It was all scattered, like puzzle pieces that didn't quite match up.

Van and Hades both seemed to be content waiting for Russ. Both occasionally looking at each other as if waiting for the other person to strike.

Van: "Why me?"

Hades: "What?"

Van: "You heard me, WHY ME. Why did you focus on me?"

Hades: "Because you were broken. You wanted a place; I gave it to you."

Van: "You used me! Turned me into a weapon!"

Hades: "You had a choice. You always had a choice! You wanted so desperately to have something, anything. A purpose. You wanted to focus all that rage. I didn't make you a weapon, you were already one. All I did was point you in a direction."

Van: "What about them.."

Hades: "Russ is brilliant, the world never saw him for what he was or what he could be. Kash was lost, looking for something that he shouldn't ever find.."

Van: "What...do you mean by that? What do you know?"

Hades: "Not everything. The last time I was in this tower I did some digging. I found information about Aurora..and something that may relate to our mutual friend."

Russ: "Oh my god.." he pushed the chair back away from the console as if something terrible had happened.

Kash came running back, a smile on his face.

Kash: "You find something?"

Before Russ could respond, an elevator dinged, and the doors were forced open. A sole occupant stepped out and looked around.

Tiberius Ciar: "I'm amazed you managed to fool so many of our systems. It's actually quite impressive." Holding out his hand to show a hologram of an AI that has been quarantined. "But she's not perfect."

Kash looked over, seeing Ciar's face seemed to trigger more memories, as if he was looking out from one of the chambers and saw that very same face.

Russ: "Let her go.."

Van: "You made an AI? Russ.."

Ciar: "Quite illegal you know. So is literally everything you're doing now but this, this could get you locked up for life or exiled."

Russ: "You don't have any room to talk!"

Hades: "Long time no see. I kicked your ass before and I'm pretty sure I can do it again, but I want to know what the fuck this is."

Tiberius: "Go ahead." Looking over at Russ.

Russ: "Aurora is about awakened abilities. He's spent literally two lifetimes trying to find a way to manipulate them. Being able to awaken them whenever we want, being able to control them perfectly, being able to have the strongest abilities possible."

Tiberius: "And?"

Russ: "And.." He had to stop and look around as if trying to compose himself. "He's engineering them. Trying to pick and choose abilities instead of having them be natural. There were...experiments."

Hades: "Wow, and they called me a fuckin psychopath."

Tiberius: "Do you really think I haven't heard that before? I've spent years trying to perfect something we had to leave up to chance. Trying to unlock something everyone else is too stupid to understand."

"Those experiments were willing people. Ones that wanted to be better, ones that knew the risks. Trying to force an awakened ability on to someone proved impossible. None of the subjects survived. Always a failure. However, the data I gained would pave the way for the next step."

Russ: "Children.."

Tiberius: "Originally I wondered if the process would work on younger individuals. Trial and error. Eventually we settled on creating our own. The first few batches were..."

Van: "You're a monster.."

Tiberius: "If I recall correctly, so were you."

Hades reached out and held Van back from attacking.

Tiberius: "We eventually started to have some success. Esmeray is nearly perfect, but her ability is unstable. Her older brother however was perfect. We even managed to replicate Larsen's ability."

Every word Ciar spoke was like a puzzle piece moving and fitting into place for Kash. He was remembering everything. He slowly started to make his way over to his friends as if in a trance.

Hades: "Tell him the truth! Did you take him from someone, or did you create him yourself?"

Tiberius: "I don't honestly remember. It's not important. Even if he was donated from someone, they are likely long gone. Aside from Esmeray, the boy has no family. I'm sorry if that isn't the answer you came here for but it's the truth."

Kash: "Nah, I got a family." Even after everything he'd heard he still smiled as he stood next to Hades, Russ, and Van.

Tiberius: "I could help you. We could find out so much more. We could help each other.."

Russ: "You lost your research, didn't you? It's why you haven't continued the project. Someone stole it and is already doing it better."

Tiberius: "If they reach perfection before I'm able to, this entire world is going to suffer. I am not the villain of this story. I'm the one trying to move our very species on to the next step! I'm trying to save us!"

Van: "Pretty sure the world would be better off without you or anyone else playing mad scientist with children's lives.."

Russ: "I'll give YOU a chance. Let her go like I asked you before or I leak this information to the rest of the council.."

Tiberius: "You're claiming some sort of moral high ground when you went out of your way to create this monstrosity I'm holding. In any case let me ask you something. Do you think the council to be innocent?"

During the conversation, Hades had slipped something to Van before motioning to a few different areas.

Russ: "What are you talking about?"

Tiberius: "Xanthos had a hand in the Nephthys situation. Cheshire has more dirty laundry than you can imagine. Fisher continued a version of an imperial research project. Merek, the High Priestess? Guilty of crimes. Larsen, and Styles have their share of blood on their hands. Bell? Oh, if you only knew. Shall I keep going?"

Van: "Nah." Van turned and threw several small orbs around the room, each exploding when they hit their targets. Enough of a distraction for Russ to press a button on the device he had connected to the console, purging the entire system of any Aurora data.

Hades shot a jet of flame forward at Tiberius, taking him by surprise and knocking him backwards. The small disk he held slid across the floor. Kash scrambled for it to save his friend's AI creation. Managing to pocket it.

Tiberius stood and threw his jacket off before the flames could spread to him. Unfolding his blades and rushing at Kash. Russ moved out of instinct and shoved Kash out of the way, in the process one of the blades stuck Russ, slashing him across the eye.

Hades ran over and helped Russ up, ripping a bit of cloth from his shirt and wrapping it over Russ's eye. The entire tower began to shake, the facility they were in was becoming unstable, the ceiling like to come down any moment. The elevator Tiberius had used was called back up, reinforcements or a rescue team were likely on the way.

Seeing his friend hurt was enough to send Kash into a rage, his power activating. The pipes running through the walls and ceiling burst apart, a torrent of water flowing down. Kash controlled it with ease, sending it directly at Tiberius and sending him backwards with enough force to break open the doors to the elevator shaft before washing him down it.

Van helped Russ and Hades back down the opening they had come up from before calling for Kash who snapped out of it and ran over to join his friend. Van and Kash jumping down just as the ceiling collapsed.

Some time later:

Location: Upper Docks.

Kash: "So he's gonna be ok?"

Viridian: "Yeah, Nerys will take care of your friend. Took a nasty hit and may be down one eye but he'll recover just fine."

Kash: "And you're not gonna like arrest us?"

Viridian: "Kind of hard to arrest someone who isn't here. Your boss will be waiting for you once Russ is healed. Van called in a favor, Captain said everything is off the record."

Kash: "Whew, I'd hate to miss the new Morely movie."

Viridian: "By the way, you have a visitor."

Kash turned to the door and smiled as a young woman entered.

Kash: "Hey Sis!"

Esmeray smiled and rushed over to hug Kash.

Van watched from across the dock, Larsen walking up next to him.

Van: "What happened with Ciar?"

Larsen: "He'll survive. He's like a cockroach."

Van: "Think he'll come after us?"

Larsen: "No. His project is ruined, and he feels humiliated. Knowing him he'll pretend nothing happened."

Van: "I just wonder, Russ said the Aurora data was stolen. Tiberius was worried what would happen if it got perfected."

Larsen: "Worry about it later, right now you've got training to do."

Van: "Fuck, fine. I guess you did do me a favor."

Larsen: "Doin you another one too. Now pick up your weapon and come at me again!"

Van readied his bat and nodded. "You asked for it!"

The two ran directly at each other, weapons clashing.

[tobiasdrake]

Dark Lord: PRINCESSES!!! You may have bested my Dark Generals, except the one who left to work at Walmart for some reason! HOWEVER, NOTHING CAN PREPARE YOU FOR THE TRUE POWER OF THE DARK LORD UNLEASHED!!! Princess Star: We're not afraid of you! One after another, we've beaten every general you've thrown at us, and we're not going to-- Dark Lord: Wait, hold up. Princess Star: In the middle of my speech? Rude. I let you give yours. Dark Lord: What do you mean, one after another? Princess Star: Huh? Dark Lord: That phrase you said. What do you mean you defeated the Dark Generals "one after another". Princess Star: ...exactly what I said. One by one, we defeated them. Dark Lord: WERE THEY FUCKING ATTACKING YOU ONE BY ONE!?!? Princess Star: Yes? Wasn't that... what you told them to.... Dark Lord: NO!!! I told them to defeat you and bring me the Cosmic Crystals. I never said anything about doing it individually! I thought they were going to jump you in a dark alley together or something. What the fuck were they doing!? Princess Star: I kind of got the impression that it was some sort of competition? Like, they kept saying things like, 'Muwahaha, that defeated General was weak, but now you'll feel MY power!' You didn't tell them to do that? Dark Lord: I had no idea! Why would I send one guy to fight seven Magical Girls at once!? We are the Dark Army that conquered galaxies! We didn't do that by committing tactical suicide in every battle! Oh my god, those useless clowns. Princess Star: I mean, we thought it was pretty weird too but we weren't about to complain about it. Dark Lord: Why would they do that? Princess Star: Is that a rhetorical question or are you actually asking me? Dark Lord: I'm actually asking you, yes. Apparently you have more insight into my minions of darkness than I do, which is something I'll be reflecting on for a while. Princess Star: They probably thought that's what you wanted. Dark Lord: But, again, I didn't tell them to do that. Princess Star: Okay, but did you tell them not to? Dark Lord: Why would I have to do that? Princess Star: Because otherwise, you might have incentivized it without realizing. Dark Lord: What are you talking about? Princess Star: Well, look at the culture of the Dark Empire. You've created a system of hyper-aggressive individualism. Your cultural values encourage the pursuit of selfish gain at the expense of others, in a place where people are judged, sometimes harshly, over how much personal status they've been able to accrue. Can you really be surprised at how they interpreted a task as broad as "Get 'em"? Dark Lord: ...I was just... I was trying to create a strong empire.... Princess Star: Yes, and by doing that, you discouraged your people from engaging in teamwork and cooperation. Your Generals were each trying to be a solitary island because that is what they thought you wanted from them, based on the way you run your country. But a solitary island can never be as strong as a community working together to achieve the same goal. Dark Lord: Oh my god, is THAT why the Crystal Kingdoms are a republic!? I thought you were all just compensating for poor military planning! You are blowing my mind right now, Princess Star. Princess Star: Yeah, to be honest, this wasn't how I saw this confrontation going either. Dark Lord: ...would it be awkward if I asked you to help me redesign the Dark Empire from the ground up in a way that encourages mutual cooperation and teamwork to build a better society? Princess Star: Oh, super awkward. But sure. That sounds like a worthy goal to me.

"So, we hear you were a general serving the Dark Lord of Wickedness in the Realm of Darkness beyond time and space until... three months ago? What made you want to leave the organization?"

"Look, I was with them through a lot of shit, okay? We conquered worlds beyond measure. My blade drove legions into despair. We crossed the galaxy, laying waste to world after world. But then the Dark Lord got sealed away in a crystal ten thousand years ago by the seven cosmic princesses, and it just wasn't the same after that."

"That does sound rough. Sounds like you stuck it out, though. What changed?"

"Well, we sought out the cosmic princesses in order to bring ruin to their worlds and unseal the Dark Lord. Sounds pretty epic, right?"

"That does sound like quite a mission, yes."

"Yeah. ON PAPER."

"So what happened?"

"Picture this. I've been stalking this thirteen-year-old girl for the past four months. I'm at her middle-school, hiding under the bleachers and watching these kids play a soccer game. Just waiting for the perfect opportunity to cast the Baleful Enchantment and turn the ball into a soccer monster. And I just have this moment like... is this it? Is this really what I'm doing with my life?"

"So you needed a change, then. I get it. That's rough."

"Yeah. After that, I couldn't let it go. I ended up talking to the cosmic princesses about it."

"They gave you some good advice?"

"Fuck no. They're thirteen. They have no idea what they're talking about. But sitting there, listening to them ramble on and thinking about the fact that I needed these pubsecent squirts to give me a pep talk in the first place? That ended up being the kick in the ass I needed to go my own way."

"Very well, Mr. Sinistario. I think I have all I need, and we'd be more than happy to help you find job placement."

[sukirichi]

sweet lies [02]

His lies were way too sweet – and you were too addicted to make him stop.

cw. explicit smut, slight body worship, public sex, dirty talk, praising, toxic megumi, fwb dynamics, slight angst, body marking, sukuna bullying megumi, age gap, scratching, mentions of oral (m receiving) and mutual masturbation, the traditional unedited fic

note. choose your fighter, megumi or sukuna 😈 also UHM do you guys want me to make the ending angsty or fluffy? i wrote out two versions so LOL let me know what you think! we’ll get more of the megumi scenes on the next chapter though~

series masterlist | 01 | 02 | 03

Sukuna isn’t kidding when he said he’ll have you unable to walk by the end of this.

You’ve lost count of how many times you guys have fucked.

Once more in the stalls when you thought of repaying the favor by sucking him off, followed by him growing impatient and hauling you inside his car. Both of you were too tired to go for another round, but were still very much addicted for the other’s touch that mutual masturbation seems like the best option.

Thankfully, Sukuna’s cut his nails, so having three of his fingers buried knuckle deep in you feels like absolute heaven. He’s not complaining about your smooth hands wrapped around his shaft either, especially not when you’ve had enough practice with Megumi to know just how to make a guy lose his mind. By the time you’ve made it back home, Sukuna’s grown hard again, too impatient to make it to the bed before he just fucks you raw against the wall. You’re trembling at his hold, left with no choice but to trust his strength to drop you on his cock and bounce you to his pleasure.

It’s a miracle you’ve made it on the bed.

His digital clock reads a quarter at three in the morning, and for a moment, you worry about how tired you’ll be in class tomorrow when Sukuna’s large hands grips your thighs sharply.

“Goddamn,” he hisses through clenched teeth, chuckling at the irresistible sight of your breasts bouncing before him. Limbs tangled, minds controlled with the primal need to fuck, and moans shared with his deep grunts – you somehow end up on top of him, your thighs feeling like they’re on the verge of giving up as you continue to ride his thick length.

“You are so fucking sexy,” he slaps your ass and causes your hips to rut deeper, forcing that delicious curve of his cock to meld with your walls. You throw your head back, palms planted on his chest, focused only on that burning pleasure between your thighs. “I could fuck you all night long.”

Even though you truly have no wish to, you shake your head, fingers balling into a fist. “I have class tomorrow, need to wake up early,” you protest, the words falling into deaf ears as Sukuna thrusts up into you. He must’ve noticed how you’re growing tired and took matters into his own hands, feet grounded on the mattress to pound deliriously into you. You’re debating whether to be thankful or frustrated he still has so much energy even after hours of fucking, but it honestly doesn’t matter. You’re falling into his chest, arms slipping on your equally sweat-covered bodies. Right now, you just wanted to cum – once more, again, one last time! “Ah, Sukuna, t-too much!”

“Too much?” he laughs and tangles his hand to caress your scalp, the gesture too soothing that you almost forgot he’s fucking you into oblivion. “Want me to go slow?”

“No…”

“Thought so, sweetheart,” his grin is absolutely cocky as he bends his knees in a fold, pushing you until your back rests on his muscular thighs. Your mouth falls open at his hands wrapping around your threat, keeping you right there, hips flat and grinding on his cock. “Come on. Come for me,” Sukuna urges, tightening his hold around your neck a little harder.  

That’s all you need for your vision to blur and see stars, your body’s shaking uncontrollable. He’s thrusting with all his power and energy that it feels like you’re nothing but a hole on top of him, tongue falling open in a wanton manner as your drool trails down your chin.

You look filthy, you feel filthy, and yet, Sukuna sees it entirely different.

“So – fucking – gorgeous, fuck. I woulda fucked you sooner if I didn’t feel weird about it.”

“What?”

“Aw, come on, sweetheart,” he smirks at your half fucked out state. Sukuna rolls his hips in such a mind numbing manner that you end up staring at the ceiling, trying your hardest to decipher the colors of his room to get a grip of yourself. But he feels so hot, cock throbbing and pulsing inside you, your puffy lips encasing him with a translucent ring of cum and it feels so fucking good you don’t really understand what he’s saying anymore. “Did you really think I never saw you in my dreams?” he slaps your ass again, the reflexive response of tightening around him pulling a deep groan from the beautiful man beneath you. “I have such a sexy roommate, I couldn’t help it.”

“Then why didn’t you – ah, right there, shit – tell me?”

“Cuz,” he snickers and finally lets you breathe, your pupils blowing wide from the sudden flow of air. Sukuna kneads your breasts greedily, never stopping his mind-numbing rhythm of ramming deep into you. Your body burns, your thighs ache, your pussy feels sensitive but you can’t find the energy to stop him. Instead, you fall prey, failing in your mission to keep him wrapped around your fingers because now you’re wrapped around his cock, and you were quite fucking addicted to it. “You’re my friend’s student. Felt so fucking wrong.”

“What’s the difference now?”

“The difference is,” Sukuna’s face contorts into something of discomfort for a moment before he leans forward, his sturdy grip homing in on your hips again. You feel his searing breath on your ear, so parching it puts the warmth of your pussy to shame. “Having you like this has never felt so right, and I’ll keep fucking you if you let me.”

“I-I’d let you,” you concede absentmindedly and capture his lips for a sloppy kiss, tongues giving up on a battle of dominance. You’re always so clingy when you’re about to come, something Megumi never fails to chastise you for, and you fear Sukuna might push you away as you wrap an arm around him, nails painfully scratching down his back. Red marks leave a trail on its wake until his blood pierces through the sheets, the pain manifested through the increasing roughness of his pace. Now it’s your turn to whimper in his ear, pulling the man close and tugging harshly at the ends of his hair. Gosh, were you actually crying? “Sukuna, I’m close! Yes, yes, right there!”

Sukuna groans at the erotic sounds you reward him with. “Come for me, that’s right, ohhhh,” he stills inside you, his seed spilling deep inside you. You wince at the burst of warmth spreading all over your belly and Sukuna chuckles at your bulging belly. He presses down on it to coax his cum to trickle all over his cock, and he’s fucking filthy – you learn easily – to watch you make a mess on his cock with a childish smile on his face.

You push yourself off him and fall to his side, him following suit not long afterwards. The room feels completely stuffed from your intense fucking, the bruises on your body and scratches on his back a huge attestment to that.

Your legs remain wide open as you clench around nothing, his cum oozing out like a waterfall. Sukuna (that damned pervert) dips two fingers into your hole for one last moment just to drench his fingers in it, his eyes lit up in wonder while he lets it web around his fingers. You snicker at his actions and roll to his side, eyes fluttering close from the wave of exhaustion that comes into full force.

The lingerie set you intended to wear for Megumi was now ripped at the other side of the room, discarded, forgotten – merely evidence of a moment that had never been given to him.

Oddly enough, you don’t feel bad, not even when Sukuna faces you, his cheeks squished by his soft pillows. “I’m spent. I don’t think I’ve ever been this tired. My gym sessions can’t compare to this.”

“You go to the gym?”

“Yeah. I wasn’t born this gorgeous, you know. I had to work hard for this,” Sukuna gestures to his body. You can’t help but follow the gestures and admire the hard planes of his muscle ripped above one another, the smatter of dark hair leading down his hips adding to his already immense sexual charisma. It makes you want to jump on him all over again, and you have to bite your lip to resist that urge, rolling your eyes at him in favor of letting him know you could totally go for another round.

“Dork.”

“Got me laid though, was worth the effort,” he jokes, and you both laugh.

It’s actually…weird, to laugh so casually with someone like this. It might be normal for Sukuna in his past sexual endeavors, but it’s totally a different thing for you. You and Megumi had never even bothered with aftercare. As long as he’s satisfied himself, he’d clean himself off in the bathroom and wear his sweatpants, winking at you before he leaves you alone all over again. The memory – albeit not really a regrettable one – is still painful each time you’re reminded you’ll keep coming back to him.

But are things different now? Could you go back to Megumi? You only ever wanted to fuck Sukuna because you’re sad and horny, but it wouldn’t be fair to him, especially when your roommate has been nothing but nice to you. Besides, him being a little more decent doesn’t immediately equate he’s different than Megumi.

For all you know, you could just be another cheap fuck. Sukuna is older and sexier, after all, he’s clearly had a lot more experience than you do.

As if reading your mind, Sukuna rests his head on his palms, elbows flat on the bed as he turns to you. The expression on his face is unreadable, but there’s some sort of softness behind it – a softness you’re not really familiar with.

“Hey. I don’t exactly know what you’re going through, not everything, anyway, but whatever we have right now, I want you to know it’s not because I see just as a pretty pussy, okay?” he says with a straight face, but you really shouldn’t have gotten your hopes up because Sukuna smirks, mischievous eyes darting back and forth to your soaked pussy and bare breasts. “Although you do have a pretty pussy. Can I eat you out again?”

With that, you snatch the pillow underneath him and whack it straight at his face. Sukuna laughs at your protests, the sound growing louder and a lot more mocking the harder you hit him. “Gosh, Sukuna, shut up!”

You end up hitting him way too many times in the face that he can’t get his words through, and before you could react, Sukuna’s ripped the pillow away from you. He cages you in his arms and hovers over you once more, his boneless dick grazing the insides of your thigh. It’s not meant to be sexual, and nothing about his stance gives off anything that shows he wants to do it again, but you can’t help but feel aroused, shifting your legs up and down the bed as you squirm.

“Seriously though,” he repeats, “We can be casual, or this could be a one time thing. Card’s all yours to play. If you want to forget everything tomorrow, I’d gladly do it. Let’s just go back to the way we were-”

“Sukuna.”

“Yes?”

“Did you really think I was only using you to distract myself?”

Sukuna’s lips flatten into a line. “I’m not stupid,” he says somberly, “I could tell you were still thinking about him. Not that I mind, though, you can’t stop yourself from loving someone,” Faintly, you’re distracted by his thumbs rubbing at your pulse point. It’s so lulling you want to fall asleep, but Sukuna isn’t done talking. “My point is…you don’t have to worry about being weird with me. We could just be friends with benefits, if you want, and not the kind you have with your boy toy either. ”

His blatantly catches you off guard and your eyes widen before they narrow at him, trying your best to hide your embarrassment. If Megumi was painfully honest, Sukuna’s ridiculously blunt that his mere words make your heart do weird things you’d rather not feel.

Careful, you remind yourself, Megumi is the one you want. You have to keep reminding yourself that before your feelings get the best of you. It’s Megumi, it’s always been Megumi and it always will be Megumi. Sukuna is just your roommate who’s nice enough to take your mind off things. You only wish you weren’t lying too much in case he gets the wrong idea you’re leading him on, but then again, isn’t that what you’re doing?

Friends with benefits or not – you still have no plans on getting involved with this guy any longer.

It’s always Megumi. You just really needed a quick fuck, someone whose dick didn’t belong with the guy you’re so hung up on over. The change feels nice and you definitely feel a lot better than the last time you met Megumi, but this guilt…it tastes bitter on your tongue, too heavy to swallow and ignore. It’s always Megumi, you tell yourself again in an attempt to relieve your pain.

Though it doesn’t subside and you huff in exasperation, turning away from Sukuna. You can’t stand looking at him right now.

“I’m not,” you mumble weakly, but the tears – the guilt, the heartbreak of not being Megumi’s lover, the regret and the ironic need to be closer to Sukuna feels all so confusing – all threaten to burst through. You don’t want him to see you cry, that would be lame, so you scoot closer to him and kiss his shoulder as you shyly ask, “C-can we cuddle?”

“Of course,” he chuckles, pulling you closer, “You don’t have to sound too nervous to ask.”

“Sorry, it’s just-”

“He never does that?”

“…Yeah.”

“Well, I’m not him,” Sukuna answers confidently, surprising you when he grabs your ass to press you flush against him. You’re both sweaty and hot to the point it’s uncomfortable, but Sukuna smells so sweet with his lingering cologne that you can’t help yourself from planting your face in his neck, breathing in the little hums he makes. Sukuna kisses the crown of your head – which is a little too sweet than you’d like – while his other hand runs down your back in a slow, sensual manner. Hell, it feels close to body worshipping, and you hate that you silently want more of this. “I’d cuddle you every day if you asked me to.”

“You’re surprisingly sweet,” you voice with a smile. Sukuna’s chest rumbles from the low laughter, and like that, you cling to him like he’s the only sturdy pillar in your life. It’s pathetic, maybe even desperate, but if he doesn’t mind, then why should you?

However, the moment is quickly ruined when the bell rings. “Shit, I forgot he was coming over!”

Sukuna glares at the door and holds you tighter, almost possessively, and refuses to let you go even as you squirm under him. “At three in the morning?”

“Yes, but I don’t want to meet him right now,” you groan helplessly.

Sukuna shoots you a blank look after that, then shoots out of the bed in an instant. You watch as he quickly dresses up in a fresh pair of sweatpants, grabbing a random hoodie from the back of his chair, presumably to hide the scratch marks. You have to hide your smile behind your hand because he looks so drool-worthy with marks littered on his already marked skin, and the fact he lets you mark him is even hotter.

He pauses at the door for a moment, pointing a finger at where you peered up at him curiously. “Stay there. I’ll talk to him and say you went out or whatever. Just make sure to silence your phone in case he calls. Better yet, turn it off.”

Sukuna closes the door behind him, already on the way to the entrance just as you press your ears against the door to eavesdrop. There’s a slight shuffling before the door unlocks, then, “Why the fuck did you lock-” Megumi pauses in his words, and you can perfectly picture his infamous scowl painting his handsome features already. Gosh, you wish you could actually see it, but if Megumi catches you sleeping with someone else, he might totally lose interest in you. That’s not something you could afford to happen.

“Oh. You’re her roommate.” You snigger at his usual what the fuck tone – how Megumi of him.

“Hey, kid, it’s a little too late for a visit, don’t you think?” Sukuna taunts, and it takes everything in you to not burst through the door at that moment. You’re stuck between wanting to laugh and crying, mostly because you would love and hate for Megumi to get riled up. “Do your parents know you’re here? Kids shouldn’t be out this late.”

“I’m not a fucking kid, I’m in uni,” he defends, “Do you know where Y/N is? I need to talk to her.”

Deciding fuck it, you open the door by an inch, just enough to peek. As expected, Megumi is glaring behind Sukuna’s shoulders in search of you. Meanwhile, Sukuna’s completely calm, checking his nails boredly as if Megumi isn’t fuming in front of him. And boy, do you know how much Megumi hates being ignored. “Oh, I think she went out, I don’t know why though. House was empty when I got here.”

“She didn’t tell you where she was going?”

At Megumi’s imposing tone, Sukuna tilts his head to scrutinize Megumi. Now that you’re seeing them together, Sukuna’s twice the size of Megs, their height and shoulder width too different to start comparing. But knowing Megumi, he’s not going to back down from a tattooed guy twice his size, not even as he sarcastically remarks, “Ain’t you her friend? She should be telling you that kind of stuff.”

Truthfully, you expected he would put up more of a fight. The two of them share a heated staring competition before Megumi scoffs, the first one to look away. “Whatever,” he dismisses, “Tell her to pick her damn phone up. I’ve been calling for the past hour.”

“I think I should tell her to get better friends.”

“What was that?”

“I said get home safely,” Sukuna chirps. Even with his back turned to you, you could tell Sukuna’s just further pressing his buttons with a grin that’s not meant to be inviting at all. Just when you think it’s done, however, Sukuna finishes off with, “Kid.”

Megumi rages. His blue eyes flame into something feral, his fists balled at his sides. He’s always had a temper issue and you nearly reveal yourself to stop whatever fight is about to ensue, but Sukuna’s already closing the door, ridding any opportunity for the younger one to retaliate. At the sound of the door closing, Sukuna leans against the door, his smile still plastered on his face as if he knows you’re watching the whole time. He meets your eyes from the slight peep of his door, waving his hands sarcastically.

“Sukuna, you didn’t have to be so mean.”

“Sorry,” he isn’t apologetic at all. “Next time I’ll be nicer to your asshole crushes,” he adds with a slight roll of his eyes and you punch his chest playfully. You don’t stop him from grabbing your wrists to embrace you in a hug that doesn’t seem so platonic – but not so suggestive either. Sukuna rests his chin on top of your hand while he sways you both side to side, his voice muffled in your hair. “I understand why you’re attracted to him though. He’s really handsome.”

“Yeah, he is,” you agree sadly, thinking of how much it’s really all a waste Megumi has to be like that. “Just sucks his personality ruins everything.”

“A pretty face is always deceiving,” Sukuna suddenly pulls away and holds you an arm’s length away.  “Hey, want to have early breakfast?”

“I think that would be late dinner,” you frown at him.

“Whatever, food is food,” he responds rather excitedly, and you watch as Sukuna rummages through the fridge. Now that you think about it, having sex so much really took a toll on you, and your stomach grumbles loudly. Sukuna hides his chuckles through the fridge but you hear him anyway, shouting at him that you’re not hungry. “Wasn’t asking, sweetheart. Now go get cleaned and changed, I’ll make something for you.”

If anyone were to tell you that a good fucking is all that’s needed for you to immediately form a new kind of friendship with your roommate, you’d call them weird. Sukuna isn’t necessarily out of reach, you and him just simply didn’t cross paths.

But now, you’re dressed comfortably in his boxers and the oversized shirt you stole from him, eating the slightly burn cheese sandwich he’s made, sharing conversation and laughing with him like you’ve been doing it for such a long time. Your sandwich is actually half forgotten on the plate as you whack your palms on the counter, “That’s how you and Prof Gojo met? I never would’ve expected you guys fought over a girl!”

“He was fucking annoying in high school,” Sukuna grumbles over an angry bite, “He was getting all the girls that when someone confessed to me, the hottest chick, no less, he straight up punched me in the face,” you laugh as you imagine the memory of a younger, already rebellious looking Sukuna getting smacked by the even more intolerable Gojo Satoru. Sukuna is lost in his own memories as well, shaking his head from around the last bites of his bread. It’s clear he hates the burnt crust judging from the way he turns a little green, but he’s bragged about his cooking skills so proudly that he has to save face in front of you. “Ah, such good times,” he muses before wincing at his own words, dropping his bread in disgust. “Damn, I sound old, don’t I?”

“You’re only like, five years older than me, it’s fine,” you giggle, “I like the maturity that comes with older people. You’re a lot easier to be with than guys my age.”

“Please,” Sukuna smirks, “Just say you like fucking older men. I won’t judge.”

If anyone were to tell you that you would be jumping over the counter to strangle your roommate who’s now running like hell, your laughter bursting through the once silent apartment, you would call them a liar. But now, you and Sukuna are panting on the floor, too tired from sprinting all around before calling it quits. Maybe it’s a lie – maybe this connection will never really be that much of a big deal – but as long as this lie and play pretend of friendship lasts, you’ll just enjoy every sweet moment of it.

taglist (lmk if you want to be added/removed) (bold can’t be tagged) @uwubby-1 @expectoscamander @your-consulting-fangirl @dora-the-grownup @cosmotoic @charlie-xo @kittaliapenn @sukunas-cult-leader @flowersgirl02 @cloudsinthecosmos @90s-belladonna @averysheart-raleighsdick @generousstudentpsychic-bat @kat-su-ki @issamomma​ 

[getwoold]

ok wait here's the transcription of the purple duo + mapicc convo from yesterday cuz i know some ppl missed the stream, it's not like professional or whatever but its here :P under the cut!

mapicc: i believe we have... i wouldn't say we have mutual interests, more of a "we're both fucked" kind of thing.

vitalasy: why?

mapicc: essentially, we both have incredibly dangerous criminals on both of our teams.

vitalasy: who's a criminal on our team?

subz: yeah, who's our criminal, what are you talking about?

mapicc: princezam. so i gotta start from the beginning. we never trust spoke because he has these weird like, stories and interactions with people. i'm sure you know why ro and i don't talk to zam anymore.

subz: he betrayed you guys, right, left your team?

mapicc: no, so essentially, you're aware that me and ro have done some duping on the server in the past, and we had a bunch of god apples and stuff. the war ended with spoke getting banned, and zam thinking that it wasn't right. that's why zam took all of the dupe stashes we had hid across the server, and "burned them." that's why we don't like zam.

subz: mhm

mapicc: here's the issue, i have reason to believe that zam's on your team to infiltrate, and spoke is on our team to infiltrate, and they have combined together, they both have duped items, they're studying the server and they're gonna take it over.

vitalasy: zam and spoke?

mapicc: zam and spoke, correct. i have SO much evidence, bro.

vitalasy: they have the duped– i didn't even know you guys still had duped stuff.

subz: no, it's been gone for a little while, supposedly.

mapicc: it's out there. so here's the issue, i'm gonna talk to you about what happened today. i don't know if you guys have been in contact with zam much, have you?

subz: uh, a little

mapicc: so i know exactly why. today, walli was getting camped and spoke said "hold on, my associate's arriving." and somebody invis, we can see on tab, we're fighting you guys, you're fighting us, and then there's zam in the middle. and i know for a fact that it was zam because i saw zam log off, and i saw exactly at the time he logged off the invis disappeared. zam gave wallibear a bunch of stuff today to help him and me and spoke. and then the other day, parrot was banned, you guys are aware that parrot was banned?

subz: yeah, yeah he was banned.

mapicc: right. so he was revived by somebody. this is what doesn't make sense to me. basically–

vitalasy: i thought spoke revived him?

mapicc: that's what we thought! cuz parrot thought that too! parrot went "oh, okay, here's 5 hearts" cuz parrot had 5 hearts in his echest, he wanted to get banned for his video, right? he was like "here's 5 hearts to pay you back." spoke then called me later, he was like "yeah i had an associate revive parrot for me and he didn't know that so he gave me 5 hearts and now i'm up 5 hearts. and what i heard, the next day he was like "he also saved me from the void which was really nice."

mapicc: i was like oh that's cool your associate sounds nice, i don't ask spoke about his private things cuz he's like evil and secretive all the time, but i assume he has nothing against me. and the next day i'm in vc with zam and he says "yeah spoke did a silly when leo crystaled him, he was in the void and i had to save him." so i know for a fact zam is the person that revived parrot, but zam has not dropped in heart count for weeks now. and why would zam be willing to revive parrot for spoke? because he has duped items that literally mean nothing to him, they're like nothing they're just there, he has infinite stuff, he just doesn't use it.

subz: true

mapicc: which is why zam is SO damn willing to always push at me and lose a million hearts, have you noticed that?

subz: yeah yeah yeah you're right

vitalasy: wait, zam wanted to team up with us and get walli out.

mapicc: exactly, and i'm terrified because he gave walli stuff.

vitalasy: (overlapping) no but he wouldn't need the hearts if he had duped hearts, he wouldn't need the hearts.

subz: true, he wouldn't need any hearts out of this.

mapicc: well he doesn't have– he's not gonna use them, it's like money laundering. he can't use a heart unless he's gained the heart somehow. it's not gonna make sense if he screenshares every time and he's always at 20 hearts and you never know why.

vitalasy: hm

subz: true

mapicc: i'm POSITIVE zam is not on your side, and i'm positive spoke is not on our side.

subz: okay so what are you wanting us to do exactly?

mapicc: that being said, i think we're still at combat but i think you guys should be really really wary about zam from now on.

vitalasy: if they ARE a team, which we don't know they are, do you wanna have like, a baby alliance? like we can still keep fighting but like–

mapicc: yeah cuz we still disagree on things but let's make a verbal agreement. if spoke and zam ever end up teaming up or looking like they're gonna team up, immediately on sight we are allied. and we just go for them immediately.

vitalasy: okay.

mapicc: that seems fair to me.

vitalasy: so we set differences aside, just go for it?

mapicc: just go for it, go for spoke and zam. cuz they're worse than any of us, they don't even wanna protect spawn.

vitalasy: so i shouldn't ask zam about any of the like, dupes or anything?

mapicc: he's in your team, whatever you wanna do you can do. if you wanna confront him, confront him. but i mean... i don't know.

vitalasy: no no, i think we should keep it a secret.

mapicc: and here's the thing, another reason i have to believe– you guys are aware of the 2 billion heart glitch, vitalasy probably more than most people.

subz: yeah LOL

vitalasy: by accident!!

mapicc: the night they found it, it was terrain, spoke, and zam, okay? those three reported it to parrot. what i heard the other day is– i accidentally burned a heart, we were trying to look for ways to revive parrot by spending less. we were missing a heart for some reason, and we needed to revive somebody. basically, spoke messages me, he goes "okay, if everything goes to shit, i have coordinates from somebody to a double chest of hearts from the 2 billion heart glitch."

subz & vitalasy: what???

mapicc: he says he has a double chest of hearts somewhere on the server.

subz: you're positive? he's not even bluffing or saying bullshit?

mapicc: no, he has a double chest of hearts somewhere from the glitch. and we know terry and zam are the only two who knew about that. and terry never really gives a shit about lifesteal lore. i'm like 100% sure zam is–

vitalasy: doesn't that mean he trusts you then? doesn't that mean you can get it somehow?

mapicc: spoke trusts me like crazy, but if he's evil he's not gonna trust me enough to go get a double chest of hearts for him.

vitalasy: no no, like if you can get close enough to him to get to the hearts and then what, do you wanna burn them?

mapicc: how would i do that though?

vitalasy: you need to do some social engineering you know?

mapicc: cuz realistically, the only ways to bring that up, he's not just gonna fill me in on his evil plans one day randomly.

vitalasy: i don't know... spoke is weird.

mapicc: spoke is SO weird. and i know that spoke is doing a whole thing where at the end of lifesteal he's gonna do like a 15 part series and he told me the "big reveal" is that he was evil the whole time.

vitalasy: well that's every single time!

subz: yeah, he's always evil, he's always been evil.

mapicc: that's why i think he was safe to tell me. i don't know, the whole point is look out for princezam. and we have a mutual agreement that if they ever do end up being evil, you know.

[rudolphsboyfriend]

Just. Thinkin abt my experience as a queer dude and how fucking tiring it can get sometimes. Like. Yes there is so much love and pride and joy in being queer and i have felt a sense of community here that is so difficult to find elsewhere.

But at the same time. There is so much pain and fear and suffering in my past and my present and most definitely in my future too. I just saw a reel of a dude abt to come out to his sister and he was Shaking he was so scared. And it makes me so fucking sad that that is a real situation that people face. A real situation that I will have to face if i ever choose to come out to my family (which i know i never will). Just. All the hiding and all the fear that I'll be found out just. Existing the way i am? The knowledge that the people i love most in the world wouldn't look me in the eye if i showed them this part of me? Every single good gay experience i have tainted by the fact that i Have To Hide. Every single happy gay moment soiled by being Cautious. Bcuz i know my life will be next to over if i make even a single misstep.

Knowing that i will Never Ever Ever have it all. No matter what, at the end of the day, it will boil down to choosing me or my family. Me or the acceptance of the people around me. And i KNOW my answer should be 'me'. But in full honesty it probably isn't. I know it isn't. And that makes me feel like a fucking coward, which i probably am. But anyway the implications of my answer to that is not even my point here. The very Fact that i will have to make that choice, that Loving Men and Loving My Family are mutually exclusive. Just. Yeah. I can never have it all, no matter what. Maybe I'll grow up and change my mind and leave my family behind for a guy. Maybe ill grow up and fall for a girl and never have to tell my family. But never both. I know i will find happiness eventually somewhere but it will always be shrouded over atleast a little by this. And that makes me so sad bvuz it could be so easy. My family Loves me i know it. And if only they were okay with this one tiny thing everything would be perfect. But they aren't and it's not.

Tbph this is the reason I have a weird relationship with happy gay stories. On the one hand i love them so so much, they help me escape into a world where it's posssible and it's easy. Or even if it's not easy, it's good in the end. They fill me with hope and this flying soaring feeling of knowing that out there someone is feeling the way these characters r feeling. Somewhere out there a queer person is fully accepted by their family. And that makes me so happy. But I'll never be that person. And so queer stories always fill me with mixed feelings in the back of my mind. I love them and yet i see a life in them that to me will always be just that. Stories and nothing else. Words on a page characters on a screen. But never my real life. And sometimes its unbearable to watch. That's why I can't watch Heartstopper or Young Royals even though i know I'd love them. That's why i loved aridante book 1 where he's trying to come to terms with the fact that he's gay and how painful and scary and confusing that can be. But also why I've avoided aridante book 2 for years because he starts coming to terms with it and I haven't gotten there yet.

And let's not even talk about the internalised homophobia lol. Everyday i have to stop myself from wishing I wasn't queer. Every day i have to stop myself from thinking 'if only i was born cishet' because I'm not the problem here and i know that. But damn if changing myself doesn't feel like the solution some days.

I don't know. I was feeling things and i needed to vent i guess. I doubt anyone is even still reading this but in case you are. Sorry i feeling vomited all over ur dash. There's really nothing to say here, no advice to give that I haven't already heard. I don't know. Life just gets u down and i have to keep on fighting anyway

Hii guys I'm gonna be fucking vulnerable for a sec i need yall to look the other way and keep scrolling okay?