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mystic-writings · 10 months ago

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emergency contact | jack hodgins

pairing — jack hodgins x fem!booth!reader

summary — hodgins hasn’t heard from you in over six months, after you broke up with him and disappeared. until he gets an alarming phone call in the middle of the night

warnings — angst, canon-typical violence, mentions of death

word count — 2,528

notes — a few things: i wrote this back in january, and it was rushed and poorly done but im being self-indulgent for this one | also im not tagging anyone bc i wanna see how far this will get on its own (except for my beloved @shmaptainwrites who indulged me ily mimi)

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2:47am

Despite his many years working for the Jeffersonian, Hodgins had yet to get used to his phone ringing at odd hours. With a groan and a stretch, his palm landed where his phone lay on the nightstand table. Without checking the caller ID, he picked up the phone and slurred out a tired greeting to the caller on the other line.

“Hello, Dr. Hodgins, I’m Marie, calling from the George Washington University Hospital.” Why was a hospital calling him so late at night? “You’re listed as the emergency contact for Y/n Booth, correct?”

Your name sent a shock through Jack’s body. “I— I guess so, yeah. Why? Is she okay?”

“Your fiancée was shot on duty, sir. She’s in surgery right now. We suggest you be with her when she wakes up.”

Without a second thought, Jack hung up the phone and flung out of bed. He didn’t care how things ended between the two of you, good or bad, but he knew one thing for certain: he needed to make sure you were okay. After scrambling for a decent set of clothing and his car keys, Jack rushed out of the house and down the near-empty streets to the hospital you were taken to.

Even though his mind was running at a mile a minute, Jack managed to recall what the nurse had told him. Shot on duty. You took a sabbatical seven months ago, were you back in town? Surely Booth must’ve known, he was your brother and co-worker, he had to have. Did he spare telling Jack to avoid the inevitable turmoil? Obviously you’d been back long enough to take a case, so it wasn’t like you had decided to come back out of the blue.

By the time he found parking, it was half past 3 in the morning, and Jack’s heart refused to stop beating out of his chest, his palms sweating rivers as he clenched and unclenched them. Despite all of this, though, he approached the front desk with a cracking resolve, trying his best to be put together for the sake of not distressing the night staff and lingering patient family members.

“Could you tell me where Y/n Booth is?”

The nurse behind the counter glanced up at him. “Connection to the patient?”

“I’m her-” he stumbled on the words. “Her, uh, fiancé. Emergency contact.”

She typed a few things into the computer when a voice from behind caught Jack’s attention.

“Hodgins.” Booth called, approaching with a weary face and a cup of likely burnt coffee.

Jack nearly sprinted over to the man, blue eyes frantically searching for answers in his features. “What’s up, man? I mean, what the hell happened?”

Booth took Hodgins by the arm and led him down a hallway, over to the elevators. “We were going after a perp. I told her not to go in first, that I’d handle the hard part. She didn’t listen, the bastard got her from behind, shot out one of her kidneys. Been in surgery for almost,” he checked his watch, “three hours now.”

Jack deflated just as the elevator doors dinged open. The pair stepped inside, the space empty apart from themselves. “I just— I don’t get it. Yesterday, she was somewhere even I didn’t know, taking some damn sabbatical. Yesterday, I was still pissed at her. Now? She’s in surgery because she was on a case. Because some asshole shot her. I mean, what the hell am I supposed to do with that, Booth?”

Unable to provide any kind of emotional support or response, Booth remained quiet as his friend tried his best not to break down in the elevator.

When the doors opened, Jack attempted to regain his composure as best as he could while Booth led him down the hall. There was a separate waiting room here, for family members who had someone in surgery. He sat opposite Booth, next to a sleeping little girl and her obviously exhausted mother.

He had no bearing of the passage of time, and felt as though there was no energy left within him to check the watch on his wrist. All he did was sit with his hands on his knees, head tilted to the sky, one leg bouncing like an infinite rubber ball. At some point, a doctor came out to notify the mother of her husband’s successful surgery — his tumor was gone, he’d told her, and there was little chance of it coming back.

It wasn’t until the sun started to peek in through the waiting room windows that a surgeon called out your name. Booth had been asleep in the chair across from Jack, but he was wide awake. The pair jumped up and approached the doctor, throwing questions at him rapidly.

“Y/n is okay. Surgery went well, though we’ll have to keep her here for longer than expected.”

“Why? What happened?” Booth asked.

The doctor sighed. “Due to the location of the entry wound, the bullet caused too much damage to her right kidney. For now, she’ll only be functioning with one until we can find a donor match. She’ll be on dialysis weekly and some medication to assist the working kidney, but otherwise, she’ll be just fine in a week or so. The bullet did puncture the liver and small intestine, but the speed of the bullet slowed enough to only cause minor damage, nothing we couldn’t fix up.” He told them, and a wave of relief crashed over the pair. “She’s being brought up to her room now, if you’d like to go wait with her.”

Jack only nodded, Booth trailing him as the doctor led them up one more floor, where you were being transferred to the ICU. It was painful, seeing you after so long, only for you to be hooked up to so many machines, laying nearly helpless in a bed. He pulled a chair up to your right side, reaching for your limp hand to hold, hoping you could feel him.

Hoping you knew he was there. That you knew he always would be.

Booth leaned against the door frame, watching everything with anguish. After you left for California, you kept in constant contact with your older brother. But even in those months, you never explained why you broke off the engagement so suddenly. Why you took a surprise sabbatical, why you went to California specifically. Why you became so closed off, so cold to everyone, even to Parker.

After a while, Booth left Jack alone to go pick up Parker from his mother’s house. He promised to be back later, your nephew in tow, and pressed a featherlight kiss to your forehead before he left.

Jack, swimming in an ocean’s worth of thought, barely noticed the sun coming over the horizon in the window opposite him. All he could do was process the emotions flowing through him. Anger, that you left him so suddenly and without explanation. Despair, that you’d come back so long ago and didn’t come to see him, to work things out. Worry, that despite your life-saving surgery, you wouldn’t get a new kidney, or that you’d never be the same again. Anger again, but at the bastard who shot you. Triumph, that he was rotting in a cell right now.

Jack’s only comfort in the sterile, whitewashed room was the steady beeping emanating from the heart monitor, a small assurance that you were okay. His hand remained clasped over yours for hours, thumb stroking the smooth skin on the back of your hand. Partly as a comfort to himself that you were still there, but mostly, he believed, a comfort to you. He hoped you could feel it; that you could feel his presence. He hoped his presence comforted you.

By the time you woke up, all the worry had faded from Jack’s body and exhaustion had taken its place. He was asleep, head supported by his arm on the side of the chair, when he heard the sheets rustle in the bed.

Somehow, in all your years of work, this was the first time you ended up in the hospital due to a job-related injury. It wasn’t the first time you woke up dazed after a surgery with little memory of how you got there, though.

The sheets, despite being thin, weighed down your legs and torso, providing warmth and comfort. You could feel the leads for the heart monitor stuck to your chest, irritating your skin in the slightest bit. There was a cannula feeding oxygen into your system, though it rubbed the skin on the back of your ears uncomfortably. The main thing, though, was that your torso hurt.

Despite that, you managed to notice something weighing down your right hand. It was warm, warmer than the blankets. And heavier. Garnering the courage to open your eyes, you blinked to adjust to the sunlight and fluorescent lights, trying to shift yourself upward, wincing when it pulled on your wound. Instead, you glanced over at your hand, only to find another on top of it. Following the arm connected to it, your heart stuttered and cracked when you found a sleeping Hodgins sitting next to your bed. Emotion swelled within your chest and tear ducts just at the sight of him, sleeping so peacefully next to you, his hand over yours in a firm grasp, as if that was the only thing that assured him that you were really here.

Slowly, quietly, you tried to pull your hand out from under Jack’s, only for the movement to wake him up. He stretched with a deep inhale, blinking rapidly as he took in his surroundings. It wasn’t until he noticed you were awake that he seemed to come to his senses.

“Hey,” he nearly whispered. “How’re you feeling?”

You bit back a scoff. “Terrible. First job back and of course I had to get myself shot.”

Jack fought a smile, scooting forward to raise the bed up for you to sit properly. “They said they got all the fragments of the bullet during surgery. You’re down a kidney for now, though.”

You only nodded, allowing yourself some time to gather your thoughts. “Why are you here, Hodgins?”

“Apparently, I’m still your emergency contact.” He told you, sitting back down and resting his elbows on his knees. “And apparently, I still care about you enough to show up.”

“Don’t put that on me.” You whispered, chest restricting as tears fought their way back to your waterline. “You can’t say that to me. Not after what I did to you. You should hate me. I mean, really hate me. Like, praying for my downfall, kind of hate. You shouldn’t still care about me.”

“Well, apparently I do. I thought I hated you, for a long time. But I guess I don’t.” Jack sighed, taking your hand. You wanted to protest, to pull away, but you let him. “I guess this was a wakeup call for me. Literally. They called me at 3 in the morning to tell me you were in surgery.”

You laughed, a wet sound underlined with sadness. “I’m sorry, Jack. Really, I am. I just…”

“What, don’t love me? It’s okay. I’ve learned to live with it.”

Even when he should hate you, Jack still understood, and even worse, he still loved you. He was, somehow, the world’s most understanding man. God, you love him.

“No, no I don’t hate you. Actually, it’s the opposite. I just wish things could’ve gone differently.”

Now Jack was just confused. “What d’you mean? You broke up with me for a reason, right? You told me you didn’t love me anymore.”

“It’s too complicated, Jack. I want to explain it all to you, really, but it’s not safe. I don’t know if or when it will be, and I won’t blame you if you want to find someone else, or if you already have. You deserve to be happy, Jack. You should move on from me.”

“I don’t want anyone else.” Jack said, emphasizing each word and squeezing your hand. “I just want you. From the moment I met you, I knew you were it for me, Y/n. Even with your brother breathing down my neck to not even think about pursuing our relationship. It was terrifying, but I ignored it. Because you were too important to have in my life. I couldn’t risk passing you up. I just don’t understand why you ended things so suddenly.”

The tears that you had been attempting to keep at bay for this entire conversation now flowed freely down your cheeks, the emotions you’d kept close to your chest for nearly a year now breaking free. Jack, like the gentleman he was, gently tilted your head toward him, reaching up and using the pads of his thumbs to brush them from your cheeks.

“I’m sorry,” you whimpered, daring to look him in the eye.

“Don’t be.” He whispered.

“I have to be. I hurt you. I ruined everything. And it wasn’t even worth it. It didn’t change anything.”

Despite his confusion, Jack said nothing. He simply stood to his full height and sat on the edge of the bed, pulling you into his chest — minding your wounds and stroking your hair. “It’s okay. You’re home now. We can fix this.”

“No we can’t.” You shook your head, looking up at him. “Jack, there’s nothing left to fix. Because if we fix it, you’ll die.”

After what felt like an eternity of swirling, spiraling thoughts, Jack found his voice. “What?”

“That’s why I left.” You said. “I was ordered to. I was working on a case, some underground organized crime syndicate. I found out some stuff I shouldn’t have. My hands were tied, I had no choice.” Choking back a sob, you wiped the tears from your face and took a breath. “It was either break up with you, call off the wedding, and leave, or everyone I loved would die. They were gonna kill you, kill Seeley and Parker, and drain your accounts. There was nothing I could do.”

Jack pulled you in tighter, his whole worldview shifting and turning on an axis. He couldn’t speak — hell, he could barely even think right now. Jack had spent months grieving your relationship, questioning why you broke things off, harboring a ruthless anger at what his life had become, and all of it faded to dust in an instant.

“I don’t know what to do,” you whispered, pulling Jack back to the present. “I work with these people, Jack. They could ruin me in an instant.”

“We’ll fix this, I promise.” Jack declared, and despite the fear that had overridden your senses for the past few months, you couldn’t help but believe him.

You only nodded, curling further into him as best as you could with your incisions. Fidgeting with the strings of his hoodie, you listened to the beat of his heart beneath you and took a deep breath.

Soon enough, you were drifting off to sleep with the firm belief that soon enough, with the help of your family, somehow, everything would be okay.

if you want more jack fics, please feel free to comment and let me know!! writing for smaller characters is always a gamble but if people read this i’d be more than happy to do so!

#jack hodgins #jack hodgins x reader #jack hodgins x y/n #jack hodgins x you #jack hodgins angst #bones fanfiction

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hux-and-gay · 3 months ago

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I used to do this thing where I would take a list of characters that I liked (such as Star Wars characters) and then I would take a list of roles from a musical. Then I would get a random generator and use that generator to randomly select the characters I had chosen and cast them as random roles in the musical. As if they were being forced to play those characters and I had no control over who they were cast as.

Things could get pretty hilarious. you could have something like Han gets cast as the spouse of Vader and C3PO gets cast as their child.

So I thought I had never really done it with the sequels characters so I decided why not? I did it With Hamilton because that’s a musical most people know but I could do other ones in the future. It turned out even funnier then I could possibly have imagined.

Now without further ado

HAMILTON BUT PURE CHAOS

Our Star of the show is none other the Snoke

And who is his rival that will eventually best him in a duel sending him to his death?

Princess Leia Organa! And honesty? Good for her. (All the extras are storm troopers)

Now who is the famous, Faboulous, Marquis De Lafayette…. it’s Pryde… ugh

Suddenly Lafayette is no longer cool

Now who are Snoke and Pryde’s Besties? Phasma is now Laurence (so she dies 😔) and Kylo is Mulligan, honestly I can see him as mulligan

So this friend group is just the first order? Good to know

Now who is the responsible, put together, and not reckless at all, general to lead them all?

It’s Han Solo playing George Washington! So in character right? Now he’s Snoke’s mentor and president of the United States… interesting

But there’s always a loyalist so who gets to be my beloved Samuel Seabury?

Armitage Hux! I was actually very happy with this paring I literally a wrote a parody to farmer refuted from Hux’s POV a few weeks ago, it’s just so funny

Now who is the King that Hux is so graciously supporting, the antagonist of the whole story? Well it’s none other then Poe Dameron, everyone’s favorite imperialist

And of course Snoke still needs more enemies, so who is the incompetent general that sucks so bad he gets left behind?

Charles Lee is now Luke Skywalker! “I’m a general WEEEEEE” But I mean hey man not everyone can say they got shot by Phasma in a duel.

and of course we can’t forget Snoke’s big act 2 rival Thomas Jefferson who is being played by none other then C3PO!

and Jefferson is nothing without his best friend James Madison played by Dopheld Mitaka!

Honestly this one is a pretty good casting

Now here’s where it gets interesting… if it hasn’t already…

The Schuyler Sisters

Yeah you saw that right, forget Angelica Eliza and Peggy, Now we have Palpatine Rey and Finn! So that not only makes them sisters but it also means that Snoke and Rey are married and have children which is a terrifying thought

And not only that but it also means that Snoke and Palpatine were in love but Palpatine let him marry his sister instead but they still continue their emotional affair through the letters they send to eachother

Aren’t snoke and Palpatine basically the same person technically???? I guess they have a type

but of course, we can’t forget the Schuyler sisters wonderful father Philip, oops sorry I meant Thanisson

so yes somehow Thanisson is the father of Palpatine Rey and Finn. Makes sense? No? Perfect, moving on

Speaking of Philip, Snoke and Rey’s Aforementioned child of the same name, is now being played by Rose Tico

Which means, as you can see in this photo here, she dies in her duel with George Eacker. But who might you ask is George Eacker?

It’s BB-8 of course!

Because BB-8 decided to shit talk snoke he got in a duel with Rose, and won. BB-8 kills rose.

Now there’s something missing, we all know the story, Snoke can’t stay faithful to his wife. so who is the poor soul that has to play Mariah Reynolds? A woman being used by her husband to extort snoke by having her keep up an affair with him?

It’s Cardinal, I’m so sorry. He isn’t prepared for this 😭 this image is so cursed. Funny enough though Maria is known for wearing red.

Anyway who is Cardinal’s manipulative husband who is blackmailing snoke?

It’s Brendol Hux, James Reynolds is Brendol Hux. I’m so sorry Cardinal but this is perfect casting. Truly and ass hole in every universe

and of course who is the doctor that is just trying to keep shit together through this whole play? BEHOLD THE MIGHTY GONK!

(I couldn’t find any pictures on Google of the doctor)

If you got this far, I hope you enjoyed it and are severely disturbed!!! Let me know if you’re interested in me doing more.

—————————————————————————

@fives-ren

@not-so-allegiant-general

@jaynesilver

@thegeneralorder

@diabollicallyangelic

@existing-sadly

@tomatette

@dragonflies-draw-flame

@lessdenied

@fridayincarnate

@huxkisser

@rommonoch

@bostarsky

@transmasc-vampire-is-tired

@misbon-god-of-mischief

@kira-mortham

@piecesofeden11

@vanta-nev00

@threewinterssnow

@theosb0rnway

@sh1r3

@blackberry-command-cap

@iphridian

@irrationalgame

@darthnostra

@threewinterssnow

@vanta-nev00

@eggsodaz

@sluttycaseyjones

@lavendergarnet

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smok3r7 · 1 year ago

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They Always Come Back

Aaron Hotchner x f!reader

Explicit, 18+

Push and Pull

Main Masterlist & Series Masterlist - My AO3

Summary: You and Aaron met in college, Criminology Major, funny enough. Throughout your five years at George Washington College, you and Hotchner had this on and off again relationship; it was all fun until you started to realize that you loved him. After graduation the two of you cut ties and left it as dumb college love, going your separate ways. After a decade you finally land your dream job, a seat at the BAU; however when you notice the name copied on the email, you can’t believe your eyes.

Chapter Summary: The first year is just about over and you and Aaron have somehow gotten into yet another argument. Can the two of you fix it? And even if you can, is it even worth it?

Word count: 4k

Warnings: angst, toxic young ‘relationship’, drinking

—

“So, what happened this time?”

This question lingers in the air like thick smoke, heavy and dark. You’re sitting on your bed criss-cross and Bella is sitting the same way, right in front of you. You’re trying to find the words to explain what happened about an hour ago, but you can’t find them.

“He just- no, it was my- god, I don’t even know,” you choke out as your face falls into the palms of your hands and the tears begin, “It’s just so stupid. I’m stupid.”

“Oh baby, come here,” Bella sighs as she pulls your shoulders so the top of your head leans against her chest, and she just hugs your upper body as much as she can. The two of you stay like that for a moment, until you pull yourself together and are able to form complete sentences without crying or breaking down once more.

“Ready to try again?” She asks as she carefully lets your trembling body lean back to where you were.

You wipe your nose with the sleeve of your shirt and nod your head, still with glossy eyes, and look into her beautiful hazel irises, relaxing a bit. You take one more deep breath so you can put the pieces of the puzzle back together mentally before you try to verbally.

“Okay, umm. So ya’ know Tiffany right?”

“The frat whore?” she asks, “Yeah, I do.”

You chuckle, “So, at Jackson’s party earlier I saw her ‘n Aaron talking. But she was like all up on him, whispering into his ear constantly ‘n he would look at me ‘n then back to her. ‘N he just, like, had this glare in his eye. It really hurt me cause everyone knows about him ‘n I! Like, okay, yes, we’re off right now but that doesn’t make it fine to do that. Especially when I’m in the eyesight of both of them.”

“So what did you do?” Bella asks with furrowed brows, “Cause I know you didn’t just let that slide.”

Before you answer her with the embarrassing truth, your hands are fidgeting with the laces of your Nike Air Forces. You find it heartening and funny that she knows you so well, because she’s right - there’s no way you would let anything like that slide, especially when it came to Aaron.

“Well, I uh- went up to them ‘n started to argue with Tiffany. Saying shit like; why are you on him, you’re a whore anyway, he wouldn’t want anything you have to offer, bitch. Then she started to get loud back ‘n all in my face, which- I was fine with, until she then digs her finger into my chest. ‘N that’s when I just lost it.”

“She really did that? Her dumbass thought that was a good idea, are you kidding me?”

“Seriously! ‘N that’s funny you say that, just gimmie a second to get there, okay?” You laugh to yourself and, before you continue your story, you snag the fifth of Fireball that’s on the bedside table and take a shot. No chaser. You’ve become quite good at being able to drink since you’ve been at Washington College, a perk of being here.

Then, handing the bottle to Bella, she too takes a swig of the liquor that’s now about half way gone. She hands it back to you, ugh, man, she groans and you just let the fifth sit in between your legs as you begin to continue the events of tonight.

“So that’s when I swung my fist back ‘n punched her dead in her face-“

“Tiffany?!”

“Yes, Tiffany. Right square in her nose, ‘n the bitch fell right to the floor. Just like that,” you clap your hands right as you say that, to really showcase how quickly and hard she fell.

“Are you fucking serious right now?” Bella chokes on her spit for a second.

“Bitch yes! Like a fuckin dead tree, just pin straight down to the ground. That’s when I stood over her ‘n said, stay the hell away from Hotch. But before I could gloat anymore, Aaron bear hugged me from behind ‘n picked me up. So I’m trying to squirm ‘n kick my legs out of his grip, but ya’ know, that wasn’t happenin’. The whole living room of people is just buzzing with laughs ‘n ouhhhh’s while he carries me out the front door and into the dead end cul de sac ‘n sets me down.”

You stop blabbering and take another shot of the whiskey, bigger than the last one. Ugh, shit, you groan and wince at the burning feeling in your throat. Good one, huh? Bella giggles as she reaches out to your hand where you’re handing her the bottle again.

“Shut up,” you drunkenly laugh, the whiskey definitely affecting you now, “But back to what I was sayin’. Uh, he set me on my feet ‘n spun me around to face him. His face was stern, like he does when he’s pissed, you know the look.” You stop your rambling to mimic Aaron’s stern face, dramatically furrowing your brows and sealing your lips into a hard line.

“Oh my god, yes,” Bella bursts out laughing at your overly dramatic face; even though it’s somewhat accurate, “You’ve gotten so good at that. Fuck, girl.” Since he is seven years older than you, he does have some more aged features on him than most - which you really don’t mind, you actually love his older features and vibe.

“Thank you, thank you,” laughing as you act out putting a crown on your head, “Anyways- my adrenaline was still on a hundred from frat-whore Tiffany, so I’m quick to start yellin’ at him. ‘N if I’m completely honest, I don’t even remember what I said entirely cause he was quick to shut me up. Here, let me just show you-”

You spring up to your feet so you can reenact how Aaron acted to you tonight. “Gettin’ a full show, I guess,” Bella announces as she watches your wobbly movements.

“Yep. So he interrupts my word salad by shouting my name, which worked really well actually. Then he follows up with,” you clear your throat and start to impersonate his voice, but with a bit of an exaggerated tone to it.

“You really think it’s okay for you to act like that? You’re such a child. I can’t believe you actually thought I would get with Tiffany anyways.” You switch back to your voice, “then I stopped him ‘n said, so then why were you lettin her be all up on you and whispering’ in your ear?” Back to his voice, “Are you kidding me? She’s my partner in Behavior Analytics, and it’s loud inside there. Okay, yeah - maybe I let her too close, but what is it to you anyway? We’re not even together right now.”

“He said that? No fuckin’ way,” Bella starts as her jaw slacks open from pure shock at what you just told her, “He’s got some damn nerve.”

“Thank you! God, I- I was so confused ‘n clearly not thinking straight because,” you take a second before you answer, “cause, I slapped the shit outta him.” Before the words leave your lips, you wince from the embarrassment of your actions.

Bella looks at you dumbfounded, and all she does is hand you the fifth of whiskey for you to drink. Thanks, you chuckle and without any hesitation take it, along with another shot, the bottle now only having about one shot left. After taking the shot, you start to feel dizzy so you go back to the bed and plop down in the same position before you stood up. You start to hand the fifth to Bella, “No, baby that’s all you, you need it more than I do right now.”

You just shake your head and the events of tonight just replay over and over as you take the last swig of the Fireball. Which you do not need.

Bella waits a second for you to recoup yourself before she asks the question, “So what did he do after you slapped him?”

You smile, but not because you’re happy, it’s because you’re sad and scared, and just in pure disbelief - he’s never done this before, you might have lost him for good.

Screwing the red cap onto the bottle and raising your eyes across the dorm to the trash can by the door, you chuck it past Bella’s head and it sinks right into the black can. Hell yeah. She turns her head back to face you and chuckles as she raises her right hand for a high five.

But the little burst of joy will quickly fade.

“He just turned around ‘n just left me in the street ‘n walked back into Jackson’s house to continue partying or god knows what.”

Wow, is all that Bella says as her face is covered with a shocked expression, much like yours was earlier in the evening. Yeah, just- yeah, you reply to her as you fall back and let your head sink into your pillow and your arms lay across your eyes to make sure tears don’t escape. Silence fills the dorm room, besides the busy street noise and people partying that echoed through the open window behind you.

You feel the mattress sink next to you and Bella’s arms wrapping around your waist, her face burrowing into your neck as she whispers, “Fuck him.” You take your arms off of your face and turn to look at her, you both start giggling like little girls at a sleepover talking about boys - not too different from what you’re doing.

—

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BE-

“Oh my god, shut the fuck up!” You groan, raising your closest hand and hitting the alarm clock like you’ve done every morning for the past eight, nine months. Thankfully, you only have one more week of the obnoxious torture device that is your alarm clock, and then it’s summer break.

But before you can even think of that, you have to face today. God, you feel like shit. Your head pounds over and over, concentrated right behind your eyes. You roll over on your belly and smush your face into the plush pillow, why did I have to get that drunk? You can tell today is just going to be perfect, just perfect. Maybe a fake smile in the mirror will make you believe it.

After about five minutes of cursing to yourself into your pillow, you gather the minimal strength you have and push yourself off the mattress. Making yourself get ready for a chilly spring Monday worth of lectures, along with facing Aaron after last night. Slipping on one of his Nike hoodies, that just goes past your ass and is overall large on you, with a pair of black leggings, and of course - your black and white forces. Simple yet cute.

Still hungover like someone who’s never drank before, you do a little bit of mascara and put your hair up and out of the way. Just so you don’t look completely fucked up, and so Aaron doesn’t think that he messed with your head completely. You and him have been together but not at the same time, pretty much since this past October.

The two of you would be on good terms for a week or two and then he either did something to piss you off for fun, but you would then take it too far by arguing with him about it. Or it would be all over a dumb thing that he would do, like going out and not coming back around you for a night or two. He wouldn’t try to contact you in any way, to even just inform you that he was safe or when he’d be back, and it worried you when he did that. But when you voiced how you didn’t like it, he’d completely dismiss you - resulting in another argument and break up, repeating the cycle again.

Aaron is the one who calls it off, every time. He won’t talk or contact you, in which you do the same - out of spite. But usually after about three or four days, one of you breaks the no contact - usually for sex.

There was just something about Aaron that you couldn’t leave alone, and there was just something about you, that he couldn’t leave alone either.

And it’s been the same cycle. Over and over. But in all seriousness, you don’t mind it because right now this is all fun and games. You really believe that whatever this thing is between you and Aaron, will end either this summer or when you graduate. If you keep telling yourself that you’re okay with this, you’ll eventually believe it, right?

With your mind trying to think and the throbbing headache behind your eyes, it’s all too much. You pause your movements and take a deep breath, eyeing the table you see a bottle of Tylenol that Bella must’ve needed also on that table. You take two of them followed by your water from your water bottle, then snag an apple from the counter.

You go back to putting your textbook and notebook in your bag and you quickly glance over to the clock one more time, 9:28AM.

“Fuck, just- ugh,” You grumble as you bolt towards the door, slamming it behind you, and jogging down the hallway that’s scattered with students here and there. This would be the day I’m late.

The door to Dr. Miller’s room is now in front of you, before you open it you regulate your breathing so you’re not out of breath when you walk in.

Alright- three, two, one- you pull the glass door and gently close it behind your body, so it doesn’t slam. You instantly spot Dr. Miller slightly leaned and sat on his wide oak desk, with his arms folded in front of his chest. He turns his head in your direction, but is still talking to the class.

“…546 through 576 are the pages we’ll be goin’ over…”

This man creates feelings in you that you don’t know how to place, but you can’t do anything about it, so you just observe him and take in what you can.

His brown hair with streaks of silver is slicked loosely back and the curls are almost perfect, his round wired glasses sit on his nose. The dark blue button up he has on extenuates his bulky arms and chest, which has you feeling light and bubbly. Hangover gone for a split second.

You nod your head and he returns the gesture, then faces the rest of the class, continuing his lecture about today's reading.

“…by Wednesday, end of class. I want a three page overview of how brains can alter after a traumatic event…”

As you walk up the steps on the side, Dr. Miller’s voice drops from your ears. Or, a slight ringing sort of takes over your hearing and, for some odd reason, you’re worried sick about how he’s going to be.

Reaching the section, after what feels like climbing a mountain, you look down the row where you and Aaron usually sit, seeing him sitting by himself with his head down. Weird. When you slowly walk over to him, you squat down, balancing yourself with one hand on the back of the chair and whisper, “Is this seat taken?”

Aaron lifts his head and you can tell that he is just as hungover as you, if not more. His jet black hair, usually combed back, is fluffy and messy. His amber colored eyes have a red glossy tint over them as he gazes down at you with melancholy eyes. But when he realizes that it’s you and you’re not upset, a warm relaxed smile growing on his tired face.

“Not at all, love.”

—

“Are you gonna come in?” You question Aaron as you stand inside your dorm and he lingers in the doorway. The two of you had sat silently during class, then made a deal to talk about things back at your dorm after the day was done, going your separate ways for the rest of your schedule. It’s now just after two in the afternoon, but you feel like it could be time for you to go to bed, clearly what your body craves.

Between the lingering headache, body aches, and the slight rumbling of your stomach from this awful hangover you’re still somewhat going through, the amount of stress you’re under from the tedious school work between three classes, to the situation in front of you - all you want to do is sleep.

“Yeah, I just want to-”

“Hotch. Stop. Come in ‘n we’ll talk.”

He’s silent as he listens to you and hesitantly steps into the room, leaning his back against the door as it closes. You don’t call him Hotch unless you really need him to listen to you, usually reserved for fights.

You turn around and walk over to your mattress, kicking your shoes off and letting your backpack slide off of your shoulder on the floor next to your bed. Then you crawl on your bed and sit criss cross, like you did last night with Bella.

Gazing up at Aaron, he’s still leaning against the door, arms crossed while staring at you and your movements with his soft eyes. Even though he looks exhausted, he still looks handsome. Finally taking in the image of him, now across the warmly lit dorm room - you smile.

His light gray hoodie is loose around his torso but tight around his arms and his dark blue jeans grip his thighs. His face is soft but with some stubble starting to grow along his jaw and cheeks. His small pink mole on his right cheek, parallel with his nostril, fits perfectly with his soft lines around his eyes and brows are starting to appear, which you know he hates but you couldn’t think of him without them. His jet black strands of hair are a bit more put together, more than this morning anyways. God.

Your heart flutters at the pure sight of him. You can’t stay mad at him, it’s simply impossible.

C’mere baby, you whisper as you pat your hands on the spot in front of you on the mattress. Aaron doesn’t say anything, but starts to move. You observe the way the corners of his lips curve up just a bit, as he slides his white Nikes off and sets his black Jansport bag on the table next to the cherry red telephone.

He runs his fingers through his hair as he carefully steps to you and sits on the bed with only about a foot between you and him, his right leg is folded in front of him, while the lower half of his left hangs off of the mattress. His large hands are resting in his lap and all of his attention is on you, without saying anything - he’s saying so much.

“About last night-“

“Don’t. This is on me.” Aarons deep voice cuts you off.

You stay quiet. You want to hear what he has to say before you make a fool out of yourself for possibly saying the wrong thing. But before he can say anymore, you get this sudden pressure in your lower back that causes you to become distracted. Ouh fuck, you wince as your hands move to lightly massage your lower back.

“You alright?” Aaron’s tone raises just a bit.

“Yeah, it’s just,” you straighten your back and keep your hands on your lower back, “Sittin’ in those shitty chairs ‘n walkin’ across campus. You’d think I’d be used to it by now - apparently not.”

Aaron nods his head and chuckles under his breath, but before he can start another sentence, you maneuver your body to relieve some of that pain. Laying back just enough so your back is supported by the pillows beneath you, and your shoulder blades are supported by the wall behind you. Your hands intertwine with each other and rest on your stomach that lowers and rises with each breath.

Your legs are the next thing to move. You shift them from the criss cross position and stretch either one on the outside of Aaron’s body. But your right calf ends up laying on his thigh, whereas your left rests on the mattress, grazing his knee.

Aaron cocks his head and a soft smile takes over the sincere expression he had a second ago, as he watches you relax. His left hand leaves his lap and moves to your calf, where he starts to run his thick fingers up and down your legging covered skin. The corner of your lips lift just a bit when you notice the hungry look that’s in his eyes, as he gazes at yours.

His jaw clenches, then softens - like he’s trying to control himself from having you here and now. The sight of you laid out in front of him, in his hoodie and your leggings that hug your legs perfectly, has him drooling. But he knows he can’t, that would just be stupid right now.

A second of silence goes by before Aaron clears his throat and begins the conversation that seems so familiar and yet, so different.

“Honey, I’m sorry for how last night went. I shouldn’t have left you in the street like that. For all I know, you could’ve gotten kidnapped or god knows what. I really don’t like how I acted.”

You nod and whisper, thank you. The air in the dorm has become a much lighter feeling than even a few seconds ago. You don’t feel like he’s gonna try to make a break for it and stay away from you forever. You really thought you lost him because of your actions.

“And please really listen to this,” he starts, but both his hands move from their original spots and find new ones on either one of your thighs; his thick fingers dig into your legs. Your heart flutters and your pussy throbs from the sudden familiar touch. “I really regret messin’ around with Tiffany. I was doing it to strike a nerve- which clearly did, I don’t know what I was thinkin’. No excuse. And I don’t want to hear an apology from you, cause if you had acted like me- I would’ve done the same thing baby. I really would.”

That was an apology. He just made the perfect apology; you thought it was impossible. You feel this heavy weight that’s been lifted off of your shoulders and mind, after hearing his smooth deep voice relay those words.

However, at the same time- you're filled with this sense of dread. You’ve heard the sorry’s before from him. First time after catching him flirting around with your Bio Lab partner, the second time after he and his guy friends left town for winter break without telling you anything. Scaring you to death, thinking something terrible happened to him - then come to find out his boys thought it was funny and Aaron just let them joke around. But he never laughed about it.

Then the most recent, last night; you don’t like how normal this is becoming. Each one slowly progresses into something more severe than the last; not a good sign. An acidic feeling slowly climbs from your stomach, to your throat and creates this burning in the back of your mouth. Your mind is jumping around to try to make sense of how this is going to end or even, hell, how it even got started.

This is not healthy.

#aaron hotchner #aaron hotchner series #aaron hotch x you #aaron hotchner x you #aaron hotchner x reader #aaron hotch x reader #aaron hotchner fanfiction #criminal minds

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nellie-elizabeth · 2 months ago

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Outlander: Ye Dinna Get Used to It (7x14)

Is it my birthday?? John Grey-centric episode, Hal, PERSEVERANCE WAINWRIGHT?? Ahhhhh.

Cons:

Okay, like, obviously there is a ton about this show where you just kind of have to hold your nose and pretend this is like, a parallel fantasy reality that's not our own, but I have to say: the dinner scene with General Washington was just so icky to me. Everyone's getting all reverent and patriotic and Washington is painted very much in his mythic "father of our country" sort of vibe. And the whole time it's just like... yeah, future President George Washington, who also owned human beings as chattel? And Claire is not shown to have any sort of thoughts or feelings about this whatsoever. The show has always been so awkward about this, not wanting to look at it head-on. Like the Jocasta stuff at River Run always bothered me too, because Claire reacts to it more like it's casual bigotry that she's having to grin and bear for the sake of social politeness, and not literally, you know, the institution of slavery. I'm not saying Claire should throw a drink in George's face, that wouldn't be very strategic of her, for one thing. But I do wish the show didn't have her be quite so giddy and honored to be in his presence and receiving a Betsy Ross flag as a gift from him. It's yucky.

Small detail, but when William gets chastised for his uniform being in disarray, and is literally told "you look like a groom from my estate," it's like... oookay. A little too on the nose. Couldn't he have said "you look like one of those slovenly continental traitors" or something else that's also true about Jamie but that isn't so oddly specific? It was too silly.

Pros:

We don't get a ton of motion on the 20th century plot this week, but Brianna does find Rob Cameron with some accomplices hanging around her house, and by the end of the episode she's come to an important decision regarding her future: maybe it's time her and the kids go to Roger. Dun dun dun! More on that in the coming weeks, one assumes.

I loved the Ian and Rachel scene in this episode, I continue to be surprised by how much I've been converted to them as a couple. It's so cute to see them being all giggly and newlywed, and Rachel helping Ian with his war paint is something that can be so personal (and sexy) actually.

I really love the casting for Jane, too, and the way she puts William back on his heel. The scene where she explains how she doesn't know how money works is a good way to open William's eyes, and ours, about the true depth of the gulf between them in terms of not only social standing but also life experience. She's lived a life that most high born ladies would find horrifying, but she's also had this very sheltered, very small world she's never had to poke her head outside of. We learn that in order to protect her sister Fanny, Jane killed the dickhead who was hoping to take her virginity for a high price. They are now under William's protection, which is... complicated. William's got a lot going on in his life right now, not the least of which is Richardson sending him off on another quest, that we learn from a certain Monsieur Beauchamp is a trap. I continue to be really impressed with the William actor for portraying this simmering rage and despair alongside a good, stalwart heart.

While I was cringing at the canonization of George Washington as a mythic figure of good, I do still get a major kick out of Claire bumping into history while out and about in town. The stuff with Lafayette (or should I say Gilbert?) was incredibly charming. I love that Claire really loves to be flirted with? It's this thing about her that Jamie ordinarily doesn't really mind either, this courtly type of good manners paid to her by gentlemen who would never dare cross a real line about it. It was so cute, the whole bit where he offers to let her use his first name, and then gives her the cheese as an apology for bumping into her in the street. I love him.

As always I've saved my bestie John for last in this review - this was a proper John-centric episode in every way, we start the episode with a flashback to John and Hal, we end the episode with John and Percy, and we get a ton of juicy stuff in between. I was in heaven. I don't know if David Berry has ever looked more handsome to me than he did in this episode, I don't know what it is - not the gross eye or the eye patch, but like, I think the wig looks good and his constant expression of injured affront is just so tasty to me. So many little book details made it in here, like John calling Claire "my dear" when they run into each other (although I wish it had been in Jamie's hearing lol), and Claire asking Jamie to hold John still while she works on his eye. Just like... the amount of history and hurt feelings in that room as Jamie clamps onto John's shoulders, wincing in seeming horror at the sound of him in acute pain while Claire yoinks his eyeball around in his skull... there are entire essays one could write in honor of this whole situation.

I think one of the reasons this plot thread is among my favorites in the book is how... intimate and personal the anger between these people is, like, the depth of feeling between them is the reason for the break being so extreme now. John isn't an acquaintance, John isn't the father of Jamie's son by happenstance, these people care about each other, and they're entangled with each other because of that care, and that's what makes the conflict between them so rich and devastating. I really loved the bit where Jamie's like "well, I should turn him into Washington, but then he might be hanged" and then abruptly speaks to John directly for the first time like "what the devil were you thinking?!?!" Because it's like, "I'm so mad at you right now I can barely look at you and now you've put me in the position of having to protect you from being killed because obviously you're family and I can't let you die even though I kind of still want to punch you in the face again..." and then he's distressed by John's pain but not necessarily sorry for having hit him... chef's kiss.

Claire and John having this post-marriage softness in their dynamic is something I've always really loved too. After what they went through together, they're solid for life, they'll always have this deep affection and respect for each other. And you see it in the way Claire touches his shoulder, and says she's sorry to John, and offers her support to him before leaving him alone with Percy at the end, there.

And let's talk about Percy. "For your beautiful eyes" like, sir, this is a Wendy's. The minute this guy's name came up at the dinner party I made a sound like a tea kettle going off. I'm so hyped to have John's most intense reciprocal love on our screens at last. They have, shall we say, a contentious backstory, and I'm delighted to see him here and to have this juicy opening scene between the two men, because it speaks to the possibility of getting even more John-related content moving forward as we dig into the deal between these two men. Also continuing to make me feel insane about the Jamie of it all, when Percy tenderly touches John's face and asks "who did this to you?" John's response is to say "a man who has a right to touch me." Which is just!!! Big yikes! I love!!!

I don't think the words "our son" ever cross Jamie's lips in the books when he's talking to John directly about William. I may be wrong, but in any case I deeply loved it when it happened here. John tells Jamie that William is in danger, and the solution to this problem is for Jamie to set John, his prisoner, free, and send him off after William. That moment, where John makes a quip about getting used to being in chains, and Jamie says "ye dinna get used to it," is so rich with the history of these characters. The first time they met, Jamie overpowered him easily. The second time they met, Jamie was John's prisoner, and it stayed that way for a very long time. Now, John is under Jamie's power, and both of them resent the situation, but Jamie might resent it more than John does. That "our son" moment was a touch of apology and forgiveness, but mostly it was a setting aside of everything else: no matter how much anger exists between them at any given moment, they can be united in wanting to protect William.

So yeah. I'm a happy camper once again. All you gotta do is put John Grey on my screen and I'm ready to be delighted!

9/10

#review #outlander #outlander review

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illegiblehandwriting1 · 7 months ago

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HI! :D

Do you have any Four/Sky headcanons you have yet to share that you would like too?

*cracks knuckles* Do i ever. (a bunch of these will be just. straight from some of my fics but eh whatever i love them)

Four absolutely heard stories about Sky, particularly as a child. Sky was probably a cross between George Washington and, like, Odysseus to his era. Someone legendary, a hero just toeing the line between history and myth. No one's 100% certain he's real, but Four believes it. (So does Dot)

In Four's era, there is a constellation known as the Godslayer constellation. Enough said.

Sky's love of flying and his experience in piloting parallels Four's ceaseless examination of minute details. Four likes dealing in the little things that make big results, so he ends up being really fascinated with how exactly Sky's Loftwing can fly and how it evolved. And hey, giant specimen that won't eat him? Big win.

Four gets along so well with Minish engineers and scientists. It's scary.

Sky took up woodcarving as a meditative art. He couldn't focus for long enough (inattentive ADHD) so woodcarving became a way to learn to focus and complete tasks, and he just sorta fell in love. He probably learned with Gondo.

Speaking of, Gondo is probably his favorite shopkeeper at the Bazaar. Sky was totally the type of kid to pester him with questions and stories and anecdotes while he worked, and Gondo was kind and patient enough to let him. He also liked the company.

Sky and Four both seem pretty chill (one's a mom friend and one's pretty smart/inquisitive/has common sense?), which is why no one ever suspects them when they team up and pull the most ridiculous pranks. (Wild knows, though. His best friend is Flora. He knows how absolutely insane scientists are, and he and Sky regularly drag each other around on misadventures. When there is a prank war, Wild only makes Four's and Sky's favorite dishes. They scare him.)

Sky's soul doesn't display his physical scars. In Silent Realms, you can only see cracks and impacts where Guardians have gotten him. They glow.

Sky likes listening to Four ramble about cool stuff he's learned. He has no idea what Four's talking about half the time, but Four is always so excited to have someone listen that all of his walls come down and you can see the Colors more clearly. Sky adores it so much.

Speaking of, after Four Swords, i think Four came back together, but rather than being four people piloting a meatsuit together or just a single person again, he's more like a granny square blanket. He's one dude, but different characteristics will show more overtly depending on the situation, and when put under stress, the seams begin to rip until he has to use the Four Sword to split. Otherwise, he gets a super migraine and just can't function. Also, magic fucks with him.

I read a fic where Four had a stutter and that's canon to me now. Like. yeah.

Sky much prefers the application of things to the theory. He's a smart guy for sure, canonically breezed/slept through all of his classes and did well while Groose had to work his ass off, but while he was able to absorb the information easily, it just didn't engage him and he wasn't all that interested. His favorite classes were in the Sparring Hall and in the air on his Loftwing. As I said before, real ADHD guy.

Sky's Loftwing is named Bird. Sun's is Blue, and Groose's is Fast. I'm sure some kids made up cool names like Felicia and Arnold, but I love the idea that they were childhood friends before, like, middle school years, so they probably shared a single braincell.

Four ends up teaching Sky metallurgy and stuff when they get a chance to chill at the forge. Sky teaches Four woodworking/carving.

Sky is good at physics.

Four is like. SO autistic to me, what a guy, and the Chosen Hero is and has been a big special interest, so meeting Sky is like the best moment of his LIFE. He was probably trying to do some detective work with the other Links as subjects when he meets Sky and he just gets SO excited, it's adorable. Sky sees him, learns he's his successor, and immediately loves him forever. They are besties your honor.

also any version of FD!Sky

thanks for the ask!!! these two are my favorite dudes, i love them :D

#illegible answers #beloved major #lu sky #lu four #linked universe #thx for the ask!!! i'm so sorry it took so long to answer :(

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griseldabanks · 3 months ago

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Comfyvember 22

Story: Uncharted (after Uncharted 4) Prompts: Bail out — Car ride — Lamplight

Nate shot Sam another dirty look. The light from the streetlamp accentuated the lines in his forehead, the crow's feet at the corners of his eyes. He looked old. Far too old for the kicked-puppy look he was trying on.

“Well, get in,” Nate said, hopping into the driver's seat and slamming the door with more force than necessary. “And fasten your seatbelt; you're not breaking any more laws tonight.”

“What am I, seven?” Sam snorted, already in the process of buckling in.

“Apparently!” Nate snapped. “Because you still have to learn not to take things that don't belong to you!”

“Okay, St. Nathaniel.”

Nate took a deep breath and counted to ten, just like it said in that parenting book Elena had made him read. It didn't say anything about not gripping the steering wheel as hard as if it was his brother's stiff neck, but Nate did that anyway.

Finally, he muttered, “Okay, I've got you, it's late...let's just go,” and made himself leave the police station parking lot at a sedate, non-suspicious pace.

A tense silence settled over the interior of the car as Nate drove the familiar route home. It was the silence of an argument neither of them had to voice to feel the sting of. An argument waged with annoyed glances, Sam's crossed arms, the force with which Nate slapped the turn signal on.

When he slowed down and came to a stop at the first red light, Sam finally muttered, “I said I'm sorry, okay?”

Nate snorted. “No, you're not! Sorry you got caught, maybe.”

“Look, you'd understand if you'd just let me.... It was an eighteenth-century—“

“No!” Nate held up a hand, refusing to look at Sam even as he made a right turn. “I don't care if it was George Washington's dentures, that's no excuse for making me come bail you out the day before Thanksgiving!”

Another silence fell, until Sam broke it again by muttering, “Thomas Jefferson's, actually.”

“Wait, what?”

Then he glanced over and saw Sam's cheeky little grin, and Nate found himself laughing despite himself. Despite how much he wanted to bash some sense into his brother who really ought to know better...it was Sam. As infuriating as he could be, it was impossible to stay upset with him for long.

With a sigh, Nate shook his head, turning onto the last street. “I know it's the pot calling the kettle black, and I get it, I really do, I just...it's gotta be different now, Sam. It just does. I don't want to have to explain to my daughter that Uncle Sam can't show up to Thanksgiving dinner because he's in jail.”

“Wait—daughter? It's a girl?” As Nate pulled into the driveway, the porch light illuminated the look of absolute wonder in Sam's face. The same look he wore whenever they uncovered another incredible treasure.

Warmth exploded in Nate's chest, just as it did every time he thought about it. About her. “Yeah,” he said softly, turning the car off and just sitting in the darkness. “Elena saw the doctor last week. Pretty sure it's a girl.”

“So what're you—what—what'll you name her?”

Nate glanced over to the front door, which Elena had just opened, sending a stream of golden light out upon the front lawn. “I don't know,” he said, waving to her. “But I've been thinking about Cassandra.”

He shared a look with his brother—another look that needed no words. Sam grinned. “Cassie for short?”

Nate nodded thoughtfully. “I like it.”

#comfy-vember 2024 #bail out #car ride #lamplight #uncharted #nathan drake #sam drake #elena fisher #okay i don't know that this actually ended up being comfy at all but it popped into my head the second i saw the prompt 'bail out'#this is my first time writing uncharted fic (not counting the one i started writing and then scrapped because it wasn't working)#but i could hear their voices so distinctly so i'm taking that as a good sign

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d0not-disturb · 1 year ago

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MY HERMIT-HAMILTON AU!! (Empires included 😉)

-Hamilton: Mumbo Jumbo (my fav💋)

-Eliza: Grian

-Angelica: Martyn 🤑

-Peggy: Jimmy

-Aaron Burr: Docm

-John Laurens: Scar

-Lafayette: Iskall

-Hercules Mulligan: Impulse

-King George: King Ren, Obvi 😒

-Samuel Seabury: Bdubs

-Philip Hamilton: Grumbot 😉 (he got shot in the face)

-Tomas Jefferson: Geminitay

-James Madison: Pearlescentmoon

-George Washington: Xisuma

-Charles Lee: Zedaph (Take FAT L blud)

-Maria Reynolds: Also Jimmy. he needed more screen time tbh

-James Reynolds: Tango

-George Eacker: Etho (Grumbot killer 💋)

-John Addams: Cleo

__________________________________________________

NOTES I SUPPOSE!!,

-The ONLY reason I chose Mumbo for Hamilton is because Mumbo can’t spell and he ‘writes like he’s running out of time’ Also see how pathetic Hamilton was in the play? Wet cat vibes. Mumbo = wet cat. Mumbo = Hamilton.

-Helpless. Grian. Season 6. Eliza. Yeah it’s Grumbo themed. Because they have kid who got shot the stars align people!,! 👏👏👏 BTW Grian setting things ON FIRE MAKES SO MUCH SENSE. my fav arson boy. Tired of Mumbos silly shit. Same bro 😞 ALSO MUMBO SENT GRIAN LETTERS THRU MESSAGING SYSTEM GRIAN CALL HIMSELF CLINGY GIRLFRIEND. HMMMM WONDER WHAT THAT REMINDS ME OF. ELIZA. BEING HELPLESS. OMG. YAY GAYS.

-*sigh* Martyn DID marry Mumbo but not here. Lose for the Martyn Mumbo shippers. Like the one left. MARTYN GIVES OFF STRONG ANGELICA VIBES. Peggy is Jimmy. Jimmy is Peggy. YOU KNOW WHY. STARS ALIGN PEOPLE 👏👏👏👏👏👏 Also Jimmy grew a pair and stole his siblings man. Bravo Jimmy!

-Docm being Aaron Burr just fits okay? When Mumbo first came to Hermitcraft he found support in Doc. And Doc done SHOT the guy same here bruv. I would too if my wet cat main character supported Gem. SPEAKING OF WHICH-

-Gem, just Tomas Jefferson. MAYBE I WANT A PEARL AND GEM TEAM UP MAYBE NOT. WHO CARES ABOUT GENDER ITS A SCAM MADE UP BY BATHROOM COMPANIES TO SELL MORE BATHROOMS. Hmmmmmm Xisuma as Washington because I am a true believer of Mumbo thinks of him as a Dad core. Dadsuma. RIGHT HAND MAN 🏃‍♀️

-Uhhh Grumbot is literally Philip. Literally 🔥 They both love their Dads and do they’re last names Proud, they both got shot, THEY BOTH ARE PIANO KIDS! Hmmmm Biblically accurate my friend 🌚

-King George as King Ren just fits. HERE IS WHY!!! 1. they both fruity ass kings. 2. They have Fruity little guy who love and support them. 3. KING REN ARCH AND REBELLION. but then you’ll b like. Why Grian Eliza not Hamilton? Uhhhh because I SAID so. Also because who would be Schuyler sisters? (Don’t answer)

-Hmmmmm Scar as John Lauren’s make me happy…..Redscape hints people👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

-Urm I will NOT throw away my shot ☝️🤓 And make character designs and fake screenshots of these so expect THAT. send in asks for questions blah blah blah. And if I get something wrong, just tell me pls 😭

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peepeesuck4 · 12 days ago

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MY INTRODUCTION

because yeah why not

my name is Kadence, im hyperfixated on sml right now, my favorite characters are Jeffy, Feebee, Goodman, and Brooklyn Guy, and I’ve been watching sml since 2017

my favorite crew member is Lance!

my favorite video is Jeffys 18th Birthday, other favs are Jeffys Parents, Jeffys 20th Birthday, and Jeffys 17th Birthday!! i really like the lore videos guys

im super open to questions and suggestions (characters to draw, scenes to draw) because im kinda dry on ideas

not sml related but i also like South Park (specifically Eric Cartman) and AmRev (specifically George Washington)

ok bye 😃

#sml #supermariologan #sml jeffy #feebee sml #sml goodman #sml brooklyn guy #brooklyn t guy #intro post #introduction #art

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thisurlwasnttakenbutnowitis · 1 year ago

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Every Epic Rap Battle of History Ranked, Part 3

Part 2

29. Freddy Krueger vs Wolverine

Winner: Wolverine

Best line: "You're a pedophile from the Midwest, at least R. Kelly could sing."

I mentioned this earlier (like 50 entries ago), but this is probably the single most visually impressive ERB to date. If anyone had any doubts about ERB going independent after being under Maker Studios for so many years, this quickly quashed them. Costumes look amazing, the backgrounds and lighting are top-notch, and of course, the nightmare sequences are fun and creative. Love the part of Freddy turning into a magnet to pull Wolverine in. But how's the actual battle? Well, it's great too! Both performances are stellar, and there's some great lines - "that wasn't even my main diss, it was just a side burn", "that claw is like a strap-on: there's a pussy underneath". Really great stuff.

28. Theodore Roosevelt vs Winston Churchill

Winner: Theodore Roosevelt

Best line: "I'll bust a trust fund lush with my American muscles, so walk softly over here and give my big stick a suckles!"

This was a battle that was hyped up for a long time thanks to Teddy Roosevelt's frequent appearances on the channel to announce news, and I'd say it lived up to the hype. Lloyd is clearly having the time of his life finally getting to play Teddy, and I'd say it's one of his best performances to date. While a couple of Churchill's lines are duds (I always groan at "Any way you want to fight, I'll fight you and I'll beat you, see"), it's not enough to sink this battle.

27. Thanos vs J. Robert Oppenheimer

Winner: J. Robert Oppenheimer

Best line: "Cause you break and bleed so easy, I think I'll call you Oppen-hymen."

It's interesting that this battle came out shortly before the Oppenheimer movie was announced and subsequently turned Oppenheimer into a household name. Good coincidental timing. I remember watching this for the first time, hearing Thanos's absolutely killer first verse, and thinking "Oh, he's got this in the bag". But then Oppenheimer fired back with a killer verse of his own! Sadly, this battle isn't as close as I'd hoped it would be, since Thanos definitely falls off on his second verse, but overall, the fight is still packed with great lines.

Peter's Oppenheimer portrayal is also amazing - the fact that he manages to mix in the melancholic, regretful tone and mannerisms the real Oppenheimer was known for while firing off disses is nothing short of incredible. It's something that shouldn't work, yet he makes it work beautifully. Lloyd's Thanos is pretty good too, although I don't know what happened with the costume; it's pretty clear that Lloyd can barely move his mouth in the mask, so it's a little distracting. I feel like there had to have been a better way to make Thanos's face work, especially when they already made Freddy Krueger work better.

26. George Washington vs William Wallace

Winner: William Wallace

Best line: "Don't tee off with me, laddy. If you held my balls, you couldn't be my caddy."

I feel like this is a very overlooked battle. I've never really seen anyone talking about it, but it's actually really good. It was an interesting choice to make George Washington a more antagonistic and sadistic character, I honestly didn't think that's where they would go with him simply because as an American, I don't think I'd ever seen Washington depicted in such a bad light. But I'm honestly down for it; it makes sense when comparing the stories of both men - Wallace died a hero's death for freedom, while Washington survived long enough to show hypocrisy in his cause for preaching freedom but still owning slaves.

I love how Wallace's depiction in this is purely based on Braveheart, despite historians agreeing that it's one of the most historically inaccurate movies ever. Really sells Washington's "A Mel Gibson movie is your legacy" line, because yeah, that's basically the only reason most people have ever heard of William Wallace. It's funny, ERB obviously puts in a ton of work to research the real stories of their historical figures, but if the most prominent depiction of said figure is in a work of fiction, they will just go with that version of the person because that's what the audience is expecting to see - historical accuracy be damned. They did it with Wallace and that's also what they did with Leonidas and Ragnar Lodbrok. Not saying that's good or bad, that's just what I've noticed when viewing all the battles so close together.

25. Gordon Ramsay vs Julia Child

Winner: Julia Child

Best line: "Here's a nice amuse-bouche: take a poor abused youth, set a 30 year timer, voila! Huge douche!"

This was a video I had actually completely skipped out on until needing to watch it for this list. I dunno, I just don't really personally like Gordon Ramsay and I wasn't familiar with Julia Child, so I was just never motivated to watch this one. But I really missed out on a gem, this one's great. Julia definitely steals the show here. It's kinda like Mr. T vs Mr. Rogers come to think of it, with one character angrily screaming at the other while the other just smiles and delivers cutting passive-aggressive lines. The part where Ramsay gets a whole kitchen crew running around behind him and they deliver backing vocals of "Yes, chef!" and "No, chef" to the beat is also a great moment.

24. Bruce Lee vs Clint Eastwood

Winner: Clint Eastwood

Best line: "Here's my two finger push-up: Kung F-U!"

Hoo boy, this has some of the edgiest jokes in series history - "I even squint better than you", "You don't belong in a fight, you belong in a sweatshop. So go ahead, make my iPod". Modern ERB would not go there if this battle was made today. That being said, it does fit who Clint Eastwood is as a person, so, y'know. This battle's great though - the person they got to play Bruce Lee has a lot of fun energy to him; his constant quick movements contrast nicely against the stone cold, slow and deliberate Eastwood. I also love the small detail of the background characters that both rappers are fighting switching between cowboys and ninjas as they cross from one side of the screen to the other.

23. Michael Jordan vs Muhammad Ali

Winner: Muhammad Ali

Best line: "McDonald's and underpants as corporate backers - You stay at the Ritz cause you sold out to crackers!"

And here we have one of the two appearances of special guest stars Keegan-Michael Key and Jordan Peele. Considering this is the first time they're coming up on this list and we're this high up, it's pretty clear that I think they nailed both of the battles they had together. It's a shame they're not really working together anymore, so it's a lot less likely we'll ever get them again. Plus Jordan Peele's a lot busier these days I'd imagine.

But yeah, Key and Peele both obviously really know how to act in front of a camera and it makes for some great rap battles - Peele as Ali in particular is extremely expressive throughout his lines and it makes for a treat to watch. And I love the part where Jordan crosses over to Ali's side and directly gets in his face - both of Key and Peele's battles have a moment where the two rappers physically interact, and I'm glad they did this. A lot of ERBs have the two rappers film separately, but Key and Peele have such natural on-screen chemistry that it would have been a waste to not show bits of that. I was gonna say that moment does kinda break the illusion of Michael Jordan being tall in this battle since Key and Peele aren't too far apart in height, but uh, fun fact I just learned - the height difference between Key and Peele is actually greater than it would be between Jordan and Ali?? Muhammad Ali was actually pretty dang tall at 6'3", and Michael Jordan is relatively short for an NBA player at only 6'6". Meanwhile Jordan Peele is 5'7" and Keegan-Michael Key is 6'0". Truth truly is stranger than fiction.

22. Michael Jackson vs Elvis Presley

Winner: Michael Jackson

Best line: "Here's a tip: Don't swallow a bucket of drugs, so you won't die on the toilet dropping hunks of burning love."

This is the battle that Banner vs Jenner tried to imitate and failed miserably at - two characters with two distinct versions of themselves that they switch between halfway through the battle. This was such a great idea - they could have gotten away with simply doing the more modern versions of both characters, but showcasing how much the two changed their looks between the starts and ends of their careers was a genius move. My big worry with that would have been how difficult it would be to find a suitable child to play Jackson 5 Michael, but the kid that they did find was phenomenal. He looks the part, sounds the part, and has good dance moves to boot. I don't know how the hell they found this kid but his performance is easily the highlight of this battle.

21. Guy Fawkes vs Che Guevara

Winner: Guy Fawkes

Best line: "You're an ump-Che. That's Bay of Pigs Latin!"

Che definitely has some clunkers in his lines - "More like V for Very bad hat" would be a bad line even by season 1 standards, and the What Does The Fox Say reference was dated even when the battle first came out. That said, Che's actor does a great job, he's really charismatic. The face he makes and the voice he does during "Treat this battle like the gallows: Take another dive" is without a doubt the best line delivery in this battle. Also damn, Guy's takedown of Che by pointing out how his image nowadays is just a commercial product for capitalism, turning his legacy into the very thing he fought against, that was brutal. There was simply no coming back from that.

20. Gandhi vs Martin Luther King Jr.

Winner: Martin Luther King Jr.

Best line: "Flatten your style like bread: naan violence."

And here we have Key and Peele's other guest appearance. Just like I said before, these two have great chemistry and great screen presence. The ending of this one is what elevates it above Jordan vs Ali for me though - the two leading their armies of protesters together, all to finally meet face-to-face, and proceed to engage in the most passive-aggressive hug ever. Probably the most iconic ending in ERB history. Also can I just say that Peele's MLK impression is spot-on?

19. Terminator vs RoboCop

Winner: RoboCop

Best line: "They sent you back to kill a child, but he's defeating you still. They should have made a time-traveling morning-after pill."

I like that this video was sponsored by the actual Terminator franchise and they were still able to call Terminator 3 bad. This video has also invaded my psyche - whenever I see a farmer's market I can't help but think of "I take over these streets like I'm a farmer's market". Idk, this one is just good fun. Lloyd doesn't exactly look much like Arnold, but he sells the impression as well as he can. And hey, the actual Arnold makes a cameo appearance thanks to the sponsorship! Cool shit.

18. Jim Henson vs Stan Lee

Winner: Stan Lee

Best line: "M-I-C! I rock the mic properly! K-E-Y! Turning profits, I've got the key!"

This is an ERB with a message, probably the deepest one in the series - the legacy that an artist leaves behind after their death, and the tragedy of the magic of their original vision being squeezed dry by huge conglomerates in order to print more money. Hits even harder now that Stan Lee is also no longer with us. I gotta say, it was a fucking ballsy move for the ERB team to take such a direct shot at Disney while they were working at a Disney-owned studio. But man, did it make a memorable battle. I think Walt Disney may just be my favorite of the surprise third-party rappers across the entire series.

I also like how throughout the entire battle, Jim Henson basically only ever takes one real shot at Stan Lee, and it's just "you took credit for work Jack Kirby did". He's too nice of a guy to cut deep on his opponent. And I appreciate the small detail that you can still see Peter moving his lips when Kermit is speaking - I feel like just making Kermit lip-sync would have been an easy trap to fall into. I also love that they went through the trouble of making a custom Stan Lee puppet all for just one line. They totally didn't need to do that, but it goes to show the effort that went into making this one special.

17. Ronald McDonald vs The Burger King

Winner: Burger King

Best line: "Ask Rick and Morty who's the lyrical boss. I've got lines for days, call me szechuan sauce!"

I'll just put it out there: when it comes to food: Wendy's > Burger King > McDonald's. This battle had the advantage of getting a soft launch first on the secondary ERB channel (through the spinoff series Flash in the Pan Hip-Hop Conflicts of Nowadays) and getting a chance to incorporate fan feedback before releasing as a proper ERB. The lines about McDonald's broken ice cream machines and Burger King foot lettuce, as well as Wendy coming in as a third-party rapper were all fan suggestions. As such, I think this is one of the most tightly-packed ERBs in terms of great lines.

16. Napoleon vs Napoleon

Winner: Napoleon Bonaparte

Best line: "I'll whip you so bad, they'll make a virgin meringue. You're the only type of dynamite that's never going to bang!"

I don't remember where exactly he said this, but I recall Lloyd at some point saying that this battle was the first one made after he and Peter both quit their jobs so that they could focus on ERB full time, and that it was kind of a scary and uncertain time for them because of it. Well, clearly that gamble paid off, because they managed to create one of their best right after finally being able to put their all into the series. Okay, look, on a purely objective level, this probably isn't actually better than a lot of the battles I put below it. It's short, as season 1 battles tended to be, and it really doesn't go too deep into either character's history. But this is just ERB in its purest form - a historical figure and a fictional character tangentially related to them duking it out through rhyme. This battle is pretty basic, but that's okay. It does exactly what it needs to - gives you some laughs and gets out of your face. No flashy effects, no complex lines that you have to look up the meaning of in order to get the joke. Call it nostalgia, but there's just a certain charm to the simplicity on display here.

15. Einstein vs Stephen Hawking

Winner: Stephen Hawking

Best line: "I'm as dope as two rappers, you'd better be scared, cause that means Albert E equals MC squared!"

And here we go, the cream of the crop for season 1. Back when we only had the first season, this one was THE shit. If you were around during the early days, then "There are ten million million million million million million million million million particles in the universe that we can observe, your mama took the ugly ones and put them into one nerd" is probably burned into your brain.

You know this battle is good when it's freaking certified Gold by the RIAA, being the only battle besides Obama vs Romney to do so. And hey, it's also the very first appearance of our boy Zach Sherwin! The first of many great guest appearances he would grace us with.

14. Shaka Zulu vs Julius Caesar

Winner: Shaka Zulu

Best line: "Ask my kidnappers if I'm just a shit-talker. Doc J dunk on ya like boom shakalaka!"

For being possibly the most obscure historical figure ever depicted in ERB, Shaka Zulu certainly leaves an impression through this battle. His costume design is great, and his actor brings so much life to the role with his smartass line deliveries and faces. And of course, the fucking army formations that form behind both rappers at the end - masterful work.

13. Lewis and Clark vs Bill and Ted

Winner: Lewis and Clark

Best line: "We discovered bears and beavers and prairie dogs and weasels, rattlesnakes and catfish, owls, larks, and eagles. And plus flora galore, and according to our observations: these two dickweeds right here are severely endangered!"

And here we have the final appearance so far of Rhett and Link, and I think this is their best battle yet. I've always loved the little dance they do when they're listing off all the things they discovered, and of course, Sacagawea in the background constantly saving their asses is a hilarious touch. And on Bill and Ted's side, we get a bunch of cameos of previous rappers since most of their companions had already appeared in ERB (still waiting on that Billy the Kid battle though), so that's a nice treat for fans.

12. Zeus vs Thor

Winner: Thor

Best line: "Send you deeper underground than the depths of your Hades. Now make like your daddy, and swallow my babies!"

This was the first ever battle to be animated with Lego and I'm SO glad that it was, because this is just a treat for the eyes. Live action would not have done a battle between two gods like this justice. Of course, it being beautifully animated wouldn't save this if the battle itself wasn't great, but it absolutely is. I think "Who would ever worship someone as abusive as Zeus is? You're ruthless to humans, your crew is like the Clash of the Douches" is possibly the best flow in the entire series, it constantly gets stuck in my head.

11. Mother Teresa vs Sigmund Freud

Winner: Mother Teresa

Best line: "I can see right through you and you've got no flavor. I'm battling a communion wafer."

This is an absolutely slept-on battle. It's damn near perfect - almost every single line hits it out of the park. I never would have thought of these two figures as perfect foils for one another, but it works so much better than I ever could have imagined. A staunch religious figure versus a staunch atheist, with themes of physical therapy versus mental therapy and chastity versus sex. It's a brilliant matchup that they really get the most out of.

Mother Teresa's actress is amazing as well - I thought they somehow found an actual old lady dancer, but no, it's actually a younger woman whose entire specialty is doing super convincing cosplays of elderly women. She's great, the attitude she gives to Teresa elevates the entire battle.

S TIER

10. Steve Jobs vs Bill Gates

Winner: HAL 9000

Best line: "I'm coming out the socket, nothing you can do can stop it. I'm on your lap and in your pocket. How you gonna shoot me down when I guide the rocket?"

While Jobs dying mid-battle can be seen as a repeat of Billy Mays, there's a distinct difference in how the two battles handle the death of one of the rappers. Ben Franklin never even gets a reaction to Billy Mays's death, but in this one, Bill Gates actually gets to admit how he liked the rivalry, and that now he's lonely without Jobs. And that's true to life of the two actual men too - despite how competitive their companies were with each other, Jobs and Gates had deep respect for one another.

This was by far the most ambitious ERB of its time. I would say that it was the very first one to truly feel epic, and even more than a decade later, it still holds its own against even the newest episodes. Hell, I'd say it's actually just gotten better with time - that iconic ending with HAL 9000 to represent AI taking over just rings more and more true every year.

9. Steven Spielberg vs Alfred Hitchcock

Winner: Alfred Hitchcock

Best line: "Ask anybody, 'What's your favorite Sam Jackson part?', no one's gonna say 'What's-his-name from Jurassic Park'."

This one is a total treat. You have 4 of the most iconic movie directors in history battling it out… along with Michael Bay. Honestly I'm not a super big movie buff, but I can still appreciate how brilliant this battle is. I love the shifts in the music tones for each director - the grandiose Jurassic Park-like theme for Spielberg, the heart-pounding suspense for Hitchcock, the more funky beat for Tarantino, the dreamy space-like melody for Kubrick, and finally, the flashy, bombastic theme for Bay. And of course, each director having their own dig towards Michael Bay is great foreshadowing for when he finally comes in and proceeds to rap about how great he is. He doesn't even say anything about any of the other directors, but that feels like an intentional choice for his "I don't give a fuck" attitude.

8. Romeo and Juliet vs Bonnie and Clyde

Winner: Bonnie and Clyde

Best line: "O Romeo, O Romeo, wherefore you trying to flow, yo? Mofo, you soft as a froyo. Are those the drapes or your clothes, bro?"

The contrast between the two sides here is really fun - how ridiculous and over-the-top Romeo and Juliet act compared to the down-to-earth, no-nonsense Bonnie and Clyde. Bonnie pulling out a gun, shooting Juliet, and Juliet simply exclaiming, "Oh! I am killed!" really sums up everything that makes this pairing great. Of course, it's impossible to talk about this battle and not talk about how every character dies in the same way that their real/fictional counterpart does. I particularly love how Romeo and Juliet integrate their actual final words from the play into their final verses - "Thus with a diss I die" is such an obvious pun to make but it always makes me chuckle. And once Bonnie and Clyde get shot to death as well, leaving the normally loud announcer quiet and confused, that's just the cherry on top.

7. Harry Potter vs Luke Skywalker

Winner: Luke Skywalker

Best line: "Your origin story is mostly stolen from me. You might be Potter, but Harry, I planted your seed!"

Our second animated battle, and this was one that absolutely needed to be animated to do it justice. Both of these series have so many iconic scenes and locations, and they also both have so many Lego sets that it made perfect sense to do it with Lego. And the animators got every bit of mileage they could out of this opportunity - both characters get to go through so many setpieces from each of their franchises. And of course, the lyrics get to pull in just as many references for fans to catch. This is one of the longer battles, with each rapper getting three full verses, and I'm glad that two series with so much lore got plenty of time to integrate it all.

6. Ghostbusters vs Mythbusters

Winner: Mythbusters

Best line: "Good thing you work in a firehouse, cause you just got burned. You are poor scientists, and that's confirmed."

When I heard that Peter and Lloyd would be playing Adam and Jamie, I fully expected the opposite casting. Lloyd usually plays the shorter, stockier, more bald characters, so it was kinda surprising to me that he was chosen to play Adam and Peter was Jamie. But hey, they make it work. I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the little synchronized dance the two do during their first verse as well. I have no idea why they decided to do that for the Mythbusters of all things, but hey, it's a lot of fun.

This battle has the largest number of rappers of any battle to date with 10, but that's kind of with an asterisk because Kari, Grant, and Tory barely get any time at all before Stay Puft comes in to finish the battle. I really wish the three of them had gotten a little more, it seems like kind of a waste to bring in three additional actors to only give them one line each. But that's really the only criticism I can come up with here; it's a great battle otherwise.

I know I didn't really even say anything about the Ghostbusters, but there's really not anything to say. They're all good! Zach Sherwin's Egon is definitely the highlight of the group.

5. Lara Croft vs Indiana Jones

Winner: Lara Croft

Best line: "Marion was 15 when you raided her bones. That's no time for love, Dr. Jones!"

This is the newest battle at the time I'm writing this, and needless to say with it being this high up, it's already one of my favorites. Every single line packs a serious punch, there is no wasted time here at all. My first time watching, I thought they maybe made a little too many jokes where the punchline is "Lara is sexy" or "gamers masturbate to her". But upon rewatch, each one is at least clever and does something different with wordplay, so I've lightened up on it.

Of course, I have to give a major shoutout to Croix Provence, who portrays Lara here. This was the first time a guest star on ERB was not either a friend of the crew or a major YouTube personality/celebrity - the casting of Lara was instead done with an open casting call, and I think that was the absolutely correct move. Croix was the perfect choice here - her faces and mannerisms inject so much lovable energy into the character, and the fact that she's not even British but can maintain a British accent while quickly rapping is incredible. She's a complete delight and I hope that she becomes a recurring guest.

This battle was apparently supposed to have a short verse from Nathan Drake as well, but I'm honestly glad they cut it. It really didn't need it.

4. Deadpool vs Boba Fett

Winner: Deadpool

Best line: "That Dr. Killbrew dude needs to go back to med school. Cause right now, you're no good to me, Deadpool."

This one's kinda funny in hindsight with how Deadpool rags on how Boba Fett barely even has any lines or screentime so there's not even much to say about him… right before he ended up getting his own show. Honestly it's kind of even in a weird spot with regards to Deadpool's characterization too - this came out before the movie, so nothing regarding that could be referenced either. Really, of any battle, this is probably the one that's in need of a rematch the most given how much has happened between these two characters in the years since.

What's really cool about this battle is that since both characters are covered from head to toe, while Peter and Lloyd did the voices, they didn't need to portray them physically. And they took advantage of this by hiring professional dancers to be the body actors for both characters, which really elevates the video visually. Deadpool's suit actor nails the mannerisms, and I love how Boba Fett goes into full-on breakdancing at the end. Stellar stuff from both performers.

3. The Joker vs Pennywise

Winner: Pennywise

Best line: "I haunt nightmares and I'm ruthless. This battle's like poker: the Joker is useless. Winning's not in your cards. Call me Arkham Asylum, I'm crazy with bars!"

Here we are, the absolute best battle that stays as a pure 1-on-1. Lloyd has said recently that this is his personal favorite battle, and it's easy to see why. Pennywise is easily my favorite performance Lloyd has ever done - he absolutely nails the voice, the line delivery, and the look. And Peter's Joker is awesome too - he also does a great job with the voice and delivery, and his costume is great too. Not as spot-on as Lloyd's Pennywise, but it's still more than serviceable. Really, this battle is Peter and Lloyd at their absolute best - you can tell they are both having the time of their lives here.

The lines here are top-notch too. So many bangers - Pennywise describing himself as "the John Wayne of John Wayne Gacys" and "the poster boy for missing person posters", and the absolutely killer lines "Ask Robin if I drop bars" and "No one's dying to play with Joker, except for maybe Heath Ledger". There's a super clever rhyme with "Beat Harley Quinn" and "see Steve Harvey in". And the flow of "You're a John Doe in my deadlights, and you're about to fall from a new height, cause you're weak and you've lost every fight to a knight who wears underwear over his tights" is amazing. And I love that so many actors that have portrayed the characters get shout-outs - obviously Pennywise only has the two with Tim Curry and Bill Skarsgard (though the Skarsgard reference is so subtly woven in that you probably won't even catch it on the first watch). But the Joker gets to pull in references to Cesar Romero, Jack Nicholson, Heath Ledger, Jared Leto, Joaquin Phoenix, and Mark Hamill, and it's a lot of fun.

Overall, this battle is amazing. Amazingly written with two amazing performances. Truly peak ERB.

2. Rasputin vs Stalin

Winner: Stalin

Best line: "You got off easy when they pickled that moose cock! I'd leave your neck in a noose in a trench and shot! Your whole family, shot! All your wizard friends, shot! Anyone who sold you pierogi, shot!"

Huh, I'm realizing just how few of these top spots have actual historical figures - four of the battles in this top ten have just been fictional character vs fictional character, and the only real people depicted that I'd say are old enough to be considered "historical figures" are Bonnie and Clyde, and maybe Alfred Hitchcock. Well, that's about to change - these top two spots are putting the history back in Epic Rap Battles of History, and to me, that's why they beat out the rest.

I've said before that I love when ERB can make me curious and actively want to seek out more information about history. And that's why this battle and the next one are so great - because it's not just about the battle itself being good. The best ERBs create an experience outside of the battle itself. You put on an episode like Luke Skywalker vs Harry Potter and you're like "Oh, that was awesome! All the references to both of the series were great!" and then you move on with your life. But a battle like Rasputin vs Stalin, you think "Wow, that was great!", and then you find yourself reading more about Russian history. ERB didn't tell you to do that; they're not your teacher. You sought out that information because they gave you the nugget of trivia that made you crave more.

But enough about that, how is the battle itself? Well, it's a certified banger. What you think is going to just be a simple battle between two long-dead high-ranking Russians quickly escalates as it takes you through the rise and fall of the Soviet Union via several more notable Russian leaders jumping into the fray. The battle royale format really does a great job portraying the fraught history that Russia has had over the past century - these guys all had so many different ideas for the country that they probably would all hate each other.

Lloyd steals the show here too - both Stalin and Gorbachev are easily the most memorable parts of this battle. One realization I've come to while doing this list and viewing all the battles so close together is that I think Lloyd is overall my favorite performer. That's not to say that Peter is a bad actor - far from it, he's also amazing. I just think there are overall more battles where Lloyd's performance outshines Peter's than there are the other way around.

1. Alexander the Great vs Ivan the Terrible

Winner: Ivan the Terrible

Best line: "Look alive, creme de la Kremlin's arrivin'! Try to serve Ivan, no survivin'."

…With that being said, this is one of those battles where Peter absolutely comes out on top. One strength of portraying historical figures from hundreds of years ago as opposed to fictional characters or people who are currently alive/recently died is that we don't really have as much information about their personalities, leaving how they act much more open to interpretation. And this battle takes full advantage of that. Would the actual Ivan the Terrible have acted this deliciously eeeevil? Probably not, but that's what makes it fun. Him murdering his opponents one by one and delighting in it makes him such a lovable villain. And of course, he's given a great (haha) lineup of characters with big personalities to burn through as well - the performances for Alexander, Frederick, and Catherine are all both memorable and stand out from each other - with Alexander adopting the most traditional rap style, Frederick getting a faster verse, and Catherine getting a slower, more sensual verse.

This battle also has the same deal as what I said about Rasputin vs Stalin, where it made me more curious about history, except this one gets more points for covering not only a larger span of time, but also multiple countries. The only figure in this battle royale that I was sorta familiar with was Alexander, so this definitely motivated me to look more into Ivan, Frederick, and Catherine (though it didn't really make me curious enough to want to know more about Pompey the Great, sorry Pompey :( ).

Overall, this battle just has all the best qualities of ERB rolled up into one tight package - it's funny, it's got great performances, and it teaches you a little something about history while also encouraging you to do your own research. On all fronts, it knocks it out of the park, and that is why it is my #1 favorite Epic Rap Battle of History.

And there you have it! Every single ERB ranked! Whew, this was a lot of work, but I think it goes to show that at the end of the day, I truly love this series if I can blather on this long about it. If you’ve made it this far, then thanks for reading my pointless ramblings, and look forward to more pointless ramblings in the future.

#epic rap battles of history #erb

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geee-three · 4 months ago

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okay being serious about the hamilton x prsk au now

its not an au theres just. a production of hamilton. hosted by emu ootori who convinced (wonderhoy'd) lin manuel miranda into giving her the rights

wxs puts on a production of hamilton (rui painstakingly teaches tsukasa the entire thing line-by-line and is on the verge of pulling a nightcord by the end SLASH SILLY) and kidnaps other people (i.e. their fans) to help out (take on major roles) with the only pre-requisite being "please speak english and also know your part. we've spent a month trying to drill this into tsukasa's head and we think rui will actually jump off a cliff if we ask him to do it again".

so, with no further ado: the cast list. alexander hamilton - kohane azusawa. while you would expect tsukasa to demand the titular character he did not want to learn that much english (rui refused to teach him) and so he adorned it on his number three fan. who was thrilled. everyone knows my kohane hamilstan agenda by now. she kills it. an does not understand a word but is cheering the entire time. noone tells her that kohane is singing about adultery and tax fraud. aaron burr - toya aoyagi. once again, as a majorly important character, you'd expect this role to be filled by a member of wonderlandsxshowtime. no. toya :D. he knows english he can sing he gets along well with all the other cast members. its perfect! kohane dramatically brings up the fact he shot her on a daily basis from here on out and he dramatically apologises every time. eliza schuyler - nene kusanagi. we finally get to a wandashow member (we'll speedrun them all in a minute). "izza, why do you always give nene, a character allergic to romance, the first love interest?" i think im funny. no yeah i think she would KILL burn. like its dead on the floor. stabbed. perhaps even burnt. (also. nene beatboxing.) angelica schuyler - mizuki akiyama. "izza you said wandashow-" shut. its mizooking time. she mizooks all over the place. some men say that im intense or im insane. you want a revolution i want a revolation so listen to my decloration. george washington - tsukasa tenma. "izza this is still a very major character your excuses make no sense" shush my hamilton production i want kohane as lead. go away. i think blond bitch should be washington. if it works it works yk. king george iii - emu ootori. shes just here to have fun idk man. shes having fun. leave her be. john laurens/phillip hamilton - minori hanasato. i dont have an explaination beyond minokoha queerbait and also i think minori doing the. my name is phillip. i am a poet. and i wrote this poem just to show it. sequence would be amazing. imagine a version of phillip where hes delivering it as normal but with an idol dance routine. yeah. lafayette/thomas jefferson - rui kamishiro. i was actually really stumped on where to put rui. yes i considered maria. i did not do that (evidently). this is just because jefferson is really gay like in the way he dresses and such and i think rui can get on board with that hercules mulligan/james madison - airi momoi. she has officially ruined her idol reputation and haruka has clipped her making sex jokes on stage and turned it into a nightcord emote for the mmj server. ena never lets her live this down and has printed a screenshot of the sex jokes and stuck it to the shinonomefridge. she still stands by her decicion to participate. peggy schuyler/maria reynolds - saki tenma. this one is one of the more streched ones. i couldve put emu here. i couldve put rui here. but no i put saki. why? i simply think shed enjoy it. enrichment. leo/need casually dies in the audience. samuel seabury - ichika hoshino. she has just the right level of seriousness and whimsy to pull this off. phillup schuyler - keisuke ootori. i think im so funny. well? im not. james reynolds - shiho hinomori. she does NOT want to be here but apparently shes married to saki so everythign is okay. what do you mean saki cheated on her with kohane. my bestie you are gettign SHOT. (she gets very in character.) charles lee - mafuyu asahina. mizuki is laughing her ass off. basically mafumom found out that someone mafuyu knew (emu) was putting on a historical play and was all "go on join in!!" and so she did.

yaysies. honami and shizuku and haruka and an and akito and kotaro and tatsuya and hinata and ena and kanade and yuuki (and mafumom i guess) all go to see it and have a variety of reactions ranging from homosexuality to omg look thats my sister!!! to oh my fucking god airis making sex jokes on stage to why didnt my daughter get a bigger part

...@vivid-street i am ashamed of myself but its here now.

#this was number 666 in my drafts. hm. am i going to be killed for this.#not tagging this lmao (just in case)#my lack of knowledge on wxs npcs shines through #im not putting someone to play eaker the whole point is hes played by a member of the ensamble #ramblings #pjsk posting

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scribe-of-maat · 2 years ago

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Iron Widow & Zachary Ying

I read both back to back.

Xiran Jay Zhao is my new favorite author.

They’re, so so real.

On Iron Widow:

It’s not hard for me to put into words how much I knew I was going to like Iron Widow early on into it. I’m not exaggerating when I said I’ve never read something like it, and I doubt I ever will again. The moment I knew this was going to be good was when the protagonist was revealed to be disabled.

I didn’t know anything about Wu Zetian or that era of Chinese history before going into this (I didn’t realize they hadn’t made those names up until I read Zachary Ying, for instance) but the world they build is so interesting and it’s obvious they’re pulling from real injustices.

But they don’t gloss over the EMOTION that comes with being a minority trapped in an unjust system. My favorite thing about Wu Zetian is the implacable rage she feels at the patriarchal monsters lording their power over her. She hates the system that took away Ruyi, her older sister, and she hates the men profiting in that system at the expense of any girl unlucky enough to be born into it.

To not belabor the point, I wish I could read that climactic scene where the Sages try to use her family against her for the first time again. Her parents capacity familial love being what ultimately dooms them, since it proves they could always have chosen to be better, and never did. It’s an odd feeling to cheer as the protagonist murders their family, but good god you love to see it.

She kills seven named characters over the course of the book - Yang Guang, An Lushan, Ma Xiuying and her husband, and her parents and brother - and I’ve never felt so satisfied. I’ve never read a woman exacting sweet, sweet vengeance and on her oppressors and coming out both alive and more heroic for having done so (in the eyes of the reader).

I knew going in that the love triangle ends in a poly relationship. This was also extremely avant-garde, especially for a YA novel. I realized I didn’t know if they were all in a relationship with each other at the same time or if they had separate but just as intense 1-on-1 relationships with each other, but either way, more power to ‘em.

The power system was also very interesting, especially with how they tie into the explorations of gender. It wasn’t lost on me that Zetian’s most dominant qi was Metal, the one seated at the dead center of the yin-yang spectrum, after she’d talked about not really feeling female or male. Fun fact, when it was revealed Li Shimin had feminine products in his bunker and wasn’t the rapist Zetian thought he was, I thought it was going to be revealed he was actually a woman, to further tie into the gender themes.

But Xiran excellently captures the feeling of being a space and being so angry about the fact that everyone around you has an undeserved power over you, systematically stolen and enforced on pain of death. I’m the opposite of a tiny East Asian woman but I absolutely understood wanting to tear that down and end anyone profiting off it.

On Zachary Ying:

I though I would like Iron Widow much more, but this ended being about as enjoyable, and is what solidified the fact that Xiran is a YA writer who will absolutely wear her progressive politics on her sleeve much more openly than your white fave (R*** R******).

Her tale of female empowerment isn’t written for the Male Gaze and her tale of the hero’s journey isn’t written for the White Gaze. Zachary Ying is a gay Hui-Chinese Muslim and absolutely the ONLY YA hero of his kind. I’d go on to say he’s the only protagonist of his kind in literally any kind of media without researching that one bit.

The early parts of the books go to great pains to establish that the Chinese government and its people are separate entities, that yeah, there’s injustice there but it’s not like it’s any different anywhere else. When Qin Shi Huang specifically calls out how American heroes like George Washington were enslavers, this had my total buy-in.

Okay, well, that’s not really true. But it just became more total. I’ve never experienced it, but I know from online reading that a lot of immigrant children to the US who are subjected to the perpetual foreigner stereotype get made fun of for their food, and when the book opens with him experiencing this (and Xiran making it obvious he has a crush on his male bully) THAT’S where I was bought-in.

I think what I enjoyed most about this was the explanations of all the Chinese culture, like Di Renjie being Chinese Sherlock Holmes or the lengthy conversation about how Chinese dynasties like the Tang were incredibly diverse. The first hint of Qin Shi Huang not being above his ultimate sacrifice is that he saw himself in Zachary, chose someone like him who a lot people, definitely not just Chinese, wouldn’t.

It feels like a YA novel that takes place in the 2020s as well, written by someone who actually knows what it’s like to be a young person. Zack references a ton of contemporary media and multiple times talks about his powers as waterbending. The game he plays is pretty much Pokemon GO, to boot.

But like I said earlier, it ain’t written for the White Gaze. Just like in Iron Widow, there are extended scenes of characters espousing super duper left leaning ideologies and it dawned on me that I’d never seen politics I agreed with being stated so plainly in a fantasy series.

Oh sure, Rick’ll do things like have TJ and Mallory get into it over he killing thralls, but Magnus walks away before anything concrete has to be stated. Six of The Seven round on Jason for Roman demigods fighting for the Confederacy in the American Civil War, but Percy and Annabeth are never given any guff whatsoever about Greek demigods who did the same. Carter has like one instance of kind of alluding to the fact that police are racist but he sweeps past it.

Because those books are ultimately beholden to the White Gaze. They can’t be anything else, by virtue of being written by a white guy who’ll always, on some level, prioritize his comfort and the comfort of the audience he knows he has to court.

But not here. They call out a bunch of Yellow Peril nonsense in the book and contrast it with how horrible Western rulers like Nero are remarked upon in detached reverence while Qin Shi Huang is demonized. Zack gets to see that Muslims, at least in the East of China, aren’t being slaughtered wholesale or anything.

If you haven’t already, you seriously need to read these masterpieces. I love these books.

#iron widow #wu zetian #li shimin #gao yizhi #zachary ying #zachary ying and the dragon emperor #pjo #pjato #the kane chronicles #magnus chase and the gods of asgard #mcatgoa #magnus chase #percy jackson #carter kane

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