#YOU AND YOUR FUCKING MEMORY ISSUES
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Bad: i dont want a creation of mine to harm any of the eggs so i wanna make sure you guys can have offhand totems Dapper: we can claim tubbo made it! Bad: but i'd know i made it! At least for now i would!
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Praise the Omnissiah! Bask in the divine light of His comprehension!
#put spikes on all your shit!#warhammer rogue trader#pasqal haneumann#pasqal rogue trader#i am SO happy i got a combination amarnat-pasqal and mr the arkifane ending. fucking fantastic you ethically abhorrent tech priest#i have so many thoughts about him. i have so many thoughts about him#pasqal proves that you can go through immense physical psychological trauma#along with intense memory and identity issues. and come out the other side of it stronger!!!#by the powers of thinly veiled heresy and proclaiming yourself a god!!!!
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"Do you know where we are going next?" I asked ART.
Y'know what, I think maybe I don't need any more Murderbot books. I think maybe ending things here is fucking perfect and as much as I love Wells's writing I'm genuinely not sure it can get better for me.
Like, so much of the books are about MB learning how to be a person, about becoming okay with being a complete individual with everything it entails. The first thing it does once it's actually allowed to decide on its own is it runs away from it all (admittedly to go on a mission to confirm some things about its past, because it genuinely just wants to be *good*). It shoves all its emotions away as much as it's able to. Then shit happens, and it makes its first friends, makes decisions based on these friendships, goes through a lot of emotionally intense situations...
And we get to this point here. MB having zero doubts about going with ART says a lot about its relationship with ART, but it also says a lot about its relationship with its humans - it knows that wherever it goes, when it comes back, the humans will still be there. Its humans actively acknowledge its struggles with being a now-free SecUnit and MB is willing to entertain the discussions to an extent and share information about its deeply personal experiences. Hell, System Collapse ends with MB admitting it might be somewhat broken, but that's okay as long as it can keep doing its job, and agreeing to basically do counselling - this is the guy what would rewatch its favourite TV show again and again in order to avoid acknowledging it even had Emotions a couple books back.
Reading this, I know that MB will be okay. It has hopes and goals and genuinely believes in itself and it has an amazing support system that its willing to lean on for the first time in its life. I'm convinced it'll go on to do great things with ART. And that's really the only thing I need to know.
#Murderbot#murderbot diaries#tmbd#system collapse#Herr's personal tag#Also like. System collapse dives deep into MB's feelings about its life as secunit prior to the events of all systems red#I find this conversation from when they were discussing what would happen if the BE folks got to the colonists first /very/ telling#MB going on about how life as a corporate slave is absolute fucking hell#ART drone saying that they can't just kill people because the alternative is worse than death#ART: would it have been kinder to kill you before you'd disabled your governor module?#MB with zero fucking hesitation: /yes/#(followed by my favourite ART line ever. “You know I am not kind.”)#Like. MB would not have always admitted that it had hated its life as a secunit this openly#Saying it was shit is one thing saying I would rather be dead than think of me or anyone else going through this again is a very different#And here it has zero issues stating that. At least when talking to ART#And then later on it goes on to offer its actual memories for a publicly screened documentary#Because it knows it's the only way to make people see. The only way to save then from the same (ish) fate#And it's willing to do whatever it takes to save these people it's never even met before from what it views as fate worse than death#Including opening up and acknowledging its past experiences and past/current feelings#And I'm just like. Man I couldn't be more proud of you if I tried.#You go MB. Holy fuck I wish I could do what you've done. You might just be the person to defeat this evil capitalism my dude
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i probably have some sort of dissociative disorder but i have a job so idrc about that rn
#icarus speaks#like#i’m thinking back to all of middle/high school#where i just kept telling my doctors ‘yeah the depression medication is working like i’m chill now’#‘but i do not fucking feel connected to myself still’#babes i don’t think those were depressive symptoms 😭#i do not think it is normal to feel dissociated 24/7 king#but also this is not on me considering i explained what i now realize is dissociation to a T to my therapist at the time#and she literally went ‘wow that’s weird. never heard anyone feel like that before’#so i don’t think me not realizing this is probably a bigger issue and not me being hashtag quirky#for like 10 years#still insane to me to think back on that#my exact description to her was something like ‘there’s a glass wall between myself and the world including my own body and memories.’#‘i can see them but something is keeping me from being able to connect with them like everyone else seems to be able to’#AND SHE REACTS LIKE THAT???#WHERE DID YOU GET YOUR LICENSE FROM HELLOOOO 😭#she genuinely set me back at least 8 years considering i did not accept that whay i feel is dissociation until like last year 😭
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I've been hit by the urge to make a tiny ahh fic series about the Akai family pre-canon and like. Every single idea so far has been disgustingly sweet courtesy of the fact that tiny Shuukichi and only slightly less tiny Shuuichi as a concept makes me go fucking insane
#Also my brain keeps saying “write them going canyoning with their dad but base it on that one time you and your family did it years ago”#And like. Okay. You want memory issues McDipshit to do that????? Alright#Swagever. I'll probably end up writing it for real anyway#the fucking akai family#atlas.exe
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(reads my own fic) woah. I'm so good at my job
#im so ngl though. i entirely forgot i wrote that one#like when i posted it i thought it was kinda mid and i think i like. banished it from my awareness#and just set it loose into the currents#apparently people really like it!!! im glad yall enjoy it!!!#ik anyone not following me wont see this but uhhhh#did you know that only on like my 20th new file did i realize hadvar is. following the convoy#at the beginning#somehow i never connected like. him parking his horse where it glitches into your face as him being with you#like i just figured he rode in from somewhere else in the fort#need yall to know that i had an entire fucking draft going for that thing where hadvar begs for reassignment#desperately#when he reads over the prisoner list and gets threatened with insubordination--over an enemy no less#and like he was up all night sobbing his little heart out about how he was killing his beat friend#and i was ALMOST DONE WHEN I REALIZED HE HADNT BEEN COMING FROM THE FORT#HE WAS BEHIND US#WHICH MEANT. RAGH (throws writing tools off desk)#unless i actually posted that one too and just completely forgot#but i think it was the og draft for the hadlof intro angst post#<- guy with memory issues#wish i had writing ideas more often tbh but i gotta sit on something for like. months#cant make a simple post to save my life unless its abt celann and even then its only simple bc i cannot coherently elaborate
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i will say tho as someone with memory issues we can like. talk abt this situation without calling that part into question. if i write something and can't remember/find the source, i Tell people that, i don't act like i came up with it myself. and as he says himself, there is plenty he could have been doing to mitigate those issues, and he didn't. and we can question if he's telling the truth about specific parts without questioning if he actually Has Memory Issues or epilepsy or head trauma, he can have those things and still use it as a convenient excuse to explain away active choices. similar to the suicide attempt i don't feel like this is the kind of thing it's the public's place to stick our noses in when we can criticize him just fine without it
#james somerton#and honestly this is less from a place of 'you shouldnt because its ableist overall' although that is part of it#its mostly coming from 'memory issues are so fucking hard to have because no matter how hard you try people will always#doubt your honesty because of things you forget‚ and that Really Fucking Sucks if you really are telling the truth'#like when you were a kid did you ever get in trouble for something your sibling did and then get in more trouble for 'lying'?#or 'making excuses' when ur like !!!! theyre not excuses its just an explanation#and like. to be clear. that shit was almost 100% excuses. like i said he can have these things for real and Also use it as an excuse#and he was still lying about Many Things#but idk on the off chance that part was true i dont want to be part of turning that around on someone else no matter how much they suck#origibberish
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Haven't been following the James Somerton drama closely but it's become so ridiculous that it's funny
Is no one going to talk about the fact that he said that he thought it was okay for him to mention Vito Russo in the opening credits and then never mention him again because his book was out of print and Russo was dead....
And then in the same breath say that he was 'extending Russo's legacy' like my brother in Christ do you even hear yourself-
#hbomberguy#james somerton#vito russo#the celluloid closet#like lmao wtf#also the reason he plagiarized was because uh *clears throat*#he is ADHD and his mom had cancer and then she died and his father was grieving and he has epilepsy and memory issues and ajdjkdkskakskhdh#sorry my brain fizzled out#not saying thag life isn't harder because of all these things#BUT NONE OF THEM MADE YOU A SHITTY PERSON JAMES#THAT WAS ALL YOU. YOUR FAULT.#also apparently the other reason he took words from smaller queer creators was because people would listen to him as a cis white man#and not to them#fuck you james#hes so pathetic its funny#but then i remember how many people he has hurt#oh by the way edited versions of his videos are back up because nick should have his own portfolio#sure james sure#its all for nick
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A very disheveled and unamused Jack carrying a damaged Bruno.
I wanted to test out halftones and I really like how it came out! I'll deffo be doing more in the future.
#ygo#yugioh#ygo 5ds#yugioh 5ds#bruno borrelli#jack atlas#tw robot gore#cw robot gore#mild robot gore but wanna be safe#nebula!jack#nebula!bruno#nebula!au#these boys are sooo sad forever and ever#you ever have your friend try and bring back your dead robot buddy from years ago?#and it just kinda gets all fucked up cause its hard to write in memories for a whole person#so you just get a shell of the former person you loved#and then the 'replica' of that person gains self esteem issues and a whole identity crisis?#it works out in the end but man. me n my buddy made these boys sad
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i can't believe there are people who hate pudding- god forbid women do anything and have complexity and trauma, huh?
#like did you not watch the same thing as me#'she almost killed sanj-' well a lot of characters we love started as villains ???? your point ???'#i don't think you can understand pudding in a fundamental level if you don't have mommy issues bc istg#GIRL WAS MANIPULATED HER WHOLE LIFE EXCUSE ME?????#wci did not say 'fuck abusive parents' for some of you to hate my babygirl#also sanji has done questionable things during this arc too like they're literally parallelisms IT'S NOT HARD TO UNDERSTAND#'she erased the memory of the kiss that's selfish-' do you even understand media literacy#one piece#charlotte pudding#whole cake island
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everywhere you turn there are people who make fun of people who don't shower as often as they ""should"". when will it end
#“haha eww gross [insert group of people i don't like] who only shower every three days” that's? literally normal?#“can you believe there are people who don't shower every day?” yes ?????#if you saw how rarely i showered when my despression was at its worst and i was unemployed you'd hurl#even now that i'm better i will often just. forget. because i hve memory issues.#be fucking thankful that you've never had to deal with this and shut your mouth#m
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"I def have adhd lol I just feel so hyper today" "isn't adhd just being quirky/loud?" "everyone is a little hyper/distracted" "this is the new tik tok trend"
#okay I used to be one of those people who would be like. no way I have it I'm not doing things all day and I don't get distracted by#squirrels or some shit like that#but I've since learnt I'm in fact hyperactive. badly actually. it's no bueno#my body bounces off the walls but it still can't catch up to my brain#I always had innatention and memory issues but I thought that was just me being an idiot#also the other day I literally forgot what I was talking abt bc of a fucking squirrel so there ya go ig#adhd#also no need for you to be moving all day to be hyperactive your brain can go off without your body syncing to it idk how to explain#anyway I think this was it all along you guys#the shit that was destroying my life was fucking adhd all along#the reason I couldn't hold a job or study or friends#the reason I could barely function the same as my friends who didn't even try#and wonder where I went wrong#personal
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fuck memory problems. makes every other issue 10x worse and 100% harder to solve/get over.
#ppl literally learn by failure and repetition and remembering how they failed#but what if you cant do that???#infite inescapable circle of social anxiaty upon ye!!!!#and curse of making everyone who tried to care for you annoyed eventually#if i could magically solve any issue of mine fuck being able bodied i want to have a working memory#i get why ppl with dementia are so scared so often. nothing more frightening than being betrayed by yourself. not being able to trust your#own mind and memories
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alright so i’ve lost 7 pounds, maybe 9, in 2 days
i am in a very depressed mood
i’ve just realized how limiting my household is based on people’s reactions
i feel lost
fun.
#i don’t fucking know#vent or whatever i don’t care#i’m exhausted#god i wish i didn’t want to draw#i wish i could stop#i feel so guilty#and wrong#i shouldn’t be this like#i don’t know how to say it#depressed#or dump my problems on people#i shouldn’t even be posting this here to begin with#i should appreciate what i have#because i have things others dont#but i can’t help but feel jealous or mad#why would you guilt trip me for asking for a free drawing app?#why would you yell at me to pass out during a panic attack?#why would you brush off all my issues and blame it on something unrelated?#why can’t you accept that you’re not helping me#“oh but we are don’t you see what we do for you”#dont you see how it hurts#all your hugs feel empty#you feel hollow#you feel like a distant memory#the things i like you turn into rewards#but you say im blaming you#you say im wrong#you make me doubt my issues#you make me feel like a selfish brat#oh well
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thinking about mc and satan bonding over shared identity issues post lilith reveal. i know this trope has been done to death but theres so much to do with it aghhhhhh
#op#om! satan#satan x mc#late night convos about how shitty it is to be seen as someone other than Yourself#dissecting what it means to owe your existence to someone and to have that relationship ripple out and effect ALL your other relationships#except for this one. except for the one person who really truly sees You and not just#'you' as a byproduct of your predecessor#the one person who shares a grimace with you across the table when a comment hits too close to home#and who validates and shares in your anger over it. considers it justified rather than an overreaction.#because satan's situation IS bullshit! they ARE weird about it to him! and i haaaaate hate hate the way it's treated as a joke#not necessarily him hating lucifer because that can be funny. and lucifer deserves it also#but his identity issues specifically re: lucifer are soooo valid and i hate when its treated as like#'hey wanna see a funny way to make satan Really Mad?'#anyways whatever i think the intimacy of having one person in the entire house who sees you for You is crazy awesome.#but also the insecurity! satan has vague memories of lilith via lucifer so like. mc wondering if even he's drawn to them because of that.#and like. of course he wouldnt SAY if he was but it still bugs them. and if he had known her properly... wouldnt things be different?#is their connection just luck on their part? that she died before he was born? and how awful does THAT feel?#and then lucifer is still ALIVE so satan constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.#for the one person he's ever felt really Got *him* to suddenly wake up one day seeing him the same way he (thinks) everyone else does#like mc at least had the CHANCE to be seen as an individual. satan's never had that so what the fuck is he supposed to think!!!!!#sorry for the Tags That Never End none of these thoughts are new but im rotating them in my head tonight
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staring at some old posts like 'i have regrets'.
#venting in the tags below#its nothing about anyone specifically just as a general fandom view#of one specific fandom that we wont tag#just left that little buffer right there so if you dont want to read you dont have to. there is a lighter note at the end.#but that fandom just... sucks overall. dont get me wrong! we loved it as a kid#but its just... the same issues different characters. a divide amongst everyone.#and nothing can really be done about it because its just.. there.#you cant stop it.#no matter what: what you do is wrong.#weve tried in that fandom for years. literal years.#and its always been an outcasting feeling.#at first: we were too mature. then: too old. now: just plan old fucked and wanting to stay away from certain characters#'so you hate them?' no. they hurt and bring up bad memories.#'so youre not supportive?' i am supportive. its completely fine for me to say its not my cup of tea. because its not my cup of tea.#its... a shame really. but im glad that the bodys mom is able to see us smile again from a new place. much more accepting and comfortable.#its nice. it really is. i feel welcomed and like i belong around here.#i dont feel shamed for being sourced from the fandom im in#it feels.... nice. it feels like home. like this is where we were meant to be.#thank you. im glad we came back to tumblr. im glad that were still here. im glad that -despite everything- were still fighting the world#we may even have a better job opportunity than ever before! finally getting some sort of sleep at night. finally feel.. just safe overall.#safe on tumblr that is#i know we wont truly ever be safe. but one step at a time. one step at a time.#the fire fighter
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