#YOU AND YOUR FUCKING MEMORY ISSUES
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Bad: i dont want a creation of mine to harm any of the eggs so i wanna make sure you guys can have offhand totems Dapper: we can claim tubbo made it! Bad: but i'd know i made it! At least for now i would!
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Praise the Omnissiah! Bask in the divine light of His comprehension!
#put spikes on all your shit!#warhammer rogue trader#pasqal haneumann#pasqal rogue trader#i am SO happy i got a combination amarnat-pasqal and mr the arkifane ending. fucking fantastic you ethically abhorrent tech priest#i have so many thoughts about him. i have so many thoughts about him#pasqal proves that you can go through immense physical psychological trauma#along with intense memory and identity issues. and come out the other side of it stronger!!!#by the powers of thinly veiled heresy and proclaiming yourself a god!!!!
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Just to minimize my chances of being genuinely misunderstood OR deliberately misinterpreted, and crucified for something I don't think, How Dare You Say We Piss on the Poor website etc...I'm gonna say this right up top. I absolutely understand why people don't like Thessaly as a character, if anyone does completely unironically stan her as some kind of feminist hero who Did Nothing Wrong uwu, I personally see it as a bit of a red flag. I don't like terfs real or fictional. In a vacuum, I could even completely sympathize and agree with the people who want her cut.
HOWEVER.
It's really something to me to see people clamoring for her to be cut, because she carries and expressed an ugly indefensible prejudice (transphobia) in words towards (1) person. Meanwhile Hob fucking Gadling enacted one of the most violent forms of antiblack racism I can even think of against thousands no, millions of people, the ripple effects of which still affect billions more today. Just a little light idk, profiting off the fucking slave trade and had to be told by someone else that it was bad...and he's a fan favorite.
People are saying Thessally being Dream's love interest reflects badly on him or is somehow endorsement by the narrative (?!?!?!?!?!? Didn't she (SPOILER ALERT AS IF IT MATTERS BY NOW) help participate in his extended assisted suicide? She's not painted as a great person to me just another character what are y'all SMOKING whatever fine. It's fine this is fine.) But shipping Dream with Mr. Former Slaver is not only not verboten or frowned on widely in the fandom but its THEE most popular pairing by far. So...why the difference?
Like where are the same fans who are saying Thessaly shouldn't just be more clearly shown to be wrong, she shouldn't even be in the show at all when it comes to Hobert's crimes??? Yes, transphobia is indefensible. Isn't racism?
And I hear the cries of "it's fiction!!!" Already rallying (if anyone who needs to hear this even sees it lol) to which I say:
HORSESHIT. I KNOW you don't, deep down, really agree because if you did, why get upset about Thessaly being included??? Why does what she said to one person matter if it's Just Fiction You Guyze. Fictional characters are allowed to do bad things and fiction isn't reality sweaty....except when you only apply that standard to fictional racists you like and simp for, but fictional transphobes you don't are SO HARMFUL they shouldn't even be portrayed in fiction.
Like. Give me a big fat BREAK. This looks like bullshit, no? I'm sorry, but I'd love for someone to try and give any other explanation besides one personally offended you or hit home for you, and the other doesn't.
And if that bothers you or you feel like it says something negative about you...idk what you want me to say??? You can't control how other people perceive you and that's how people outside this majority-of-the-fandom bubble see it. You don't need to respond, I just wish and genuinely hope this gives you a moment to think about why fans who ARE bothered by both (and not just paying lip service to being bothered by the one but railing against the other) are so frustrated with people saying everyone is welcome but in practice only bending over backwards for the comfort and emotions of themselves, and people they can easily relate to.
You don't have to like Thessaly (I don't. I find her an interesting antagonist, I don't stan her. And frankly imo likability is not. the point of her character) but you'll pardon me for feeling more than a bit cynical and side eying people's motivations for what seems a...pretty obvious double standard, on what fictional crimes related to real world issues matter to y'all, and which clearly don't. Either actually bring the same energy to the table for fictional people who committed atrocities, even if against a group you're not part of and thus don't feel the need to empathize with, or just carry on, but accept that you don't have the SLIGHTEST room to talk about cutting characters who do immoral things. And you also need to accept that you look like a hypocrite when you do.
#thessaly#wanda the sandman#hob gadling#fandom racism#I could've cried sexism!!! Problematic Male vs Female Characters except 1) I don't actually think that's the main reason *here*#2) there are WAY better examples of that particular double standard in this fandom#also i can admit when I'm a bit of a hypocrite or was.#i used to dip my toes into the dreamling stuff too early on#but idk. It just got too sour seeing ppl whitewash (lol I know I'm a comedian)#what he did over and over. And I genuinely had started to wonder#if the show hadn't included that particular crime and I'd just imagined it from the comics because#my memory is shit sometimes and I guess I was naive. I *wanted* to believe someone would talk aboutit#if it had made it in. but ultimately i went back and checked and no#and seeing how the whole fandom behaving affected my non-white mutuals some of whom...#like these are my friends man or ppl I just respect and I can't just. Ignore their feelings and their pov#and act like they werent making points or it doesn't matter#like it's all just fun and games for everyone on the same terms. And seeing how easy it was#for everyone to ignore was so unsettling. I couldn't keep pretending it was just fiction and didn't affect anyone real#Call me a bully a t3rf apologist (fuck you and for the record. no)#a puritan or a Fancop (actually stop comparing#people disagreeing with you online to what cops do. For fucks sake you just make it look like nothing is really real to you outside fandom)#whatever man. Whatever helps you sleep. I'm just gonna block you#if you're clearly sticking your fingers in your ears. engaging with you is a waste of time and energy then#Hell I have sympathy for anyone who doesn't like thessaly#especially trans fans. Especially rn. But lbr that sympathy for a lot of the white trans/queer fans only goes one way!!!#never gets extended to anyone else's issues. Like THATSthe issue. And it's shitty!#(sorry this post is not about me in the confessional lol that's why I put this at the bottom#I just had feelings to get out and yes its my blog but i didn't want to clog the airways)
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"Do you know where we are going next?" I asked ART.
Y'know what, I think maybe I don't need any more Murderbot books. I think maybe ending things here is fucking perfect and as much as I love Wells's writing I'm genuinely not sure it can get better for me.
Like, so much of the books are about MB learning how to be a person, about becoming okay with being a complete individual with everything it entails. The first thing it does once it's actually allowed to decide on its own is it runs away from it all (admittedly to go on a mission to confirm some things about its past, because it genuinely just wants to be *good*). It shoves all its emotions away as much as it's able to. Then shit happens, and it makes its first friends, makes decisions based on these friendships, goes through a lot of emotionally intense situations...
And we get to this point here. MB having zero doubts about going with ART says a lot about its relationship with ART, but it also says a lot about its relationship with its humans - it knows that wherever it goes, when it comes back, the humans will still be there. Its humans actively acknowledge its struggles with being a now-free SecUnit and MB is willing to entertain the discussions to an extent and share information about its deeply personal experiences. Hell, System Collapse ends with MB admitting it might be somewhat broken, but that's okay as long as it can keep doing its job, and agreeing to basically do counselling - this is the guy what would rewatch its favourite TV show again and again in order to avoid acknowledging it even had Emotions a couple books back.
Reading this, I know that MB will be okay. It has hopes and goals and genuinely believes in itself and it has an amazing support system that its willing to lean on for the first time in its life. I'm convinced it'll go on to do great things with ART. And that's really the only thing I need to know.
#Murderbot#murderbot diaries#system collapse#Herr's personal tag#Also like. System collapse dives deep into MB's feelings about its life as secunit prior to the events of all systems red#I find this conversation from when they were discussing what would happen if the BE folks got to the colonists first /very/ telling#MB going on about how life as a corporate slave is absolute fucking hell#ART drone saying that they can't just kill people because the alternative is worse than death#ART: would it have been kinder to kill you before you'd disabled your governor module?#MB with zero fucking hesitation: /yes/#(followed by my favourite ART line ever. “You know I am not kind.”)#Like. MB would not have always admitted that it had hated its life as a secunit this openly#Saying it was shit is one thing saying I would rather be dead than think of me or anyone else going through this again is a very different#And here it has zero issues stating that. At least when talking to ART#And then later on it goes on to offer its actual memories for a publicly screened documentary#Because it knows it's the only way to make people see. The only way to save then from the same (ish) fate#And it's willing to do whatever it takes to save these people it's never even met before from what it views as fate worse than death#Including opening up and acknowledging its past experiences and past/current feelings#And I'm just like. Man I couldn't be more proud of you if I tried.#You go MB. Holy fuck I wish I could do what you've done. You might just be the person to defeat this evil capitalism my dude
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i probably have some sort of dissociative disorder but i have a job so idrc about that rn
#icarus speaks#like#i’m thinking back to all of middle/high school#where i just kept telling my doctors ‘yeah the depression medication is working like i’m chill now’#‘but i do not fucking feel connected to myself still’#babes i don’t think those were depressive symptoms 😭#i do not think it is normal to feel dissociated 24/7 king#but also this is not on me considering i explained what i now realize is dissociation to a T to my therapist at the time#and she literally went ‘wow that’s weird. never heard anyone feel like that before’#so i don’t think me not realizing this is probably a bigger issue and not me being hashtag quirky#for like 10 years#still insane to me to think back on that#my exact description to her was something like ‘there’s a glass wall between myself and the world including my own body and memories.’#‘i can see them but something is keeping me from being able to connect with them like everyone else seems to be able to’#AND SHE REACTS LIKE THAT???#WHERE DID YOU GET YOUR LICENSE FROM HELLOOOO 😭#she genuinely set me back at least 8 years considering i did not accept that whay i feel is dissociation until like last year 😭
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I've been hit by the urge to make a tiny ahh fic series about the Akai family pre-canon and like. Every single idea so far has been disgustingly sweet courtesy of the fact that tiny Shuukichi and only slightly less tiny Shuuichi as a concept makes me go fucking insane
#Also my brain keeps saying “write them going canyoning with their dad but base it on that one time you and your family did it years ago”#And like. Okay. You want memory issues McDipshit to do that????? Alright#Swagever. I'll probably end up writing it for real anyway#the fucking akai family#atlas.exe
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(reads my own fic) woah. I'm so good at my job
#im so ngl though. i entirely forgot i wrote that one#like when i posted it i thought it was kinda mid and i think i like. banished it from my awareness#and just set it loose into the currents#apparently people really like it!!! im glad yall enjoy it!!!#ik anyone not following me wont see this but uhhhh#did you know that only on like my 20th new file did i realize hadvar is. following the convoy#at the beginning#somehow i never connected like. him parking his horse where it glitches into your face as him being with you#like i just figured he rode in from somewhere else in the fort#need yall to know that i had an entire fucking draft going for that thing where hadvar begs for reassignment#desperately#when he reads over the prisoner list and gets threatened with insubordination--over an enemy no less#and like he was up all night sobbing his little heart out about how he was killing his beat friend#and i was ALMOST DONE WHEN I REALIZED HE HADNT BEEN COMING FROM THE FORT#HE WAS BEHIND US#WHICH MEANT. RAGH (throws writing tools off desk)#unless i actually posted that one too and just completely forgot#but i think it was the og draft for the hadlof intro angst post#<- guy with memory issues#wish i had writing ideas more often tbh but i gotta sit on something for like. months#cant make a simple post to save my life unless its abt celann and even then its only simple bc i cannot coherently elaborate
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i will say tho as someone with memory issues we can like. talk abt this situation without calling that part into question. if i write something and can't remember/find the source, i Tell people that, i don't act like i came up with it myself. and as he says himself, there is plenty he could have been doing to mitigate those issues, and he didn't. and we can question if he's telling the truth about specific parts without questioning if he actually Has Memory Issues or epilepsy or head trauma, he can have those things and still use it as a convenient excuse to explain away active choices. similar to the suicide attempt i don't feel like this is the kind of thing it's the public's place to stick our noses in when we can criticize him just fine without it
#james somerton#and honestly this is less from a place of 'you shouldnt because its ableist overall' although that is part of it#its mostly coming from 'memory issues are so fucking hard to have because no matter how hard you try people will always#doubt your honesty because of things you forget‚ and that Really Fucking Sucks if you really are telling the truth'#like when you were a kid did you ever get in trouble for something your sibling did and then get in more trouble for 'lying'?#or 'making excuses' when ur like !!!! theyre not excuses its just an explanation#and like. to be clear. that shit was almost 100% excuses. like i said he can have these things for real and Also use it as an excuse#and he was still lying about Many Things#but idk on the off chance that part was true i dont want to be part of turning that around on someone else no matter how much they suck#origibberish
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Returning from my partial break to say that I just tried a breathing strip at the recommendation of my myofunctional therapist and now I feel like I can actually breathe for the first time in my entire 26 years of life. What the fuck. Does everyone else feel this way all the time. What the hell
#rambling#BOTH of my nostrils are working at the SAME time??#and they're actually getting enough air in that it doesn't feel like I'm suffocating if i try to breathe though my nose??#what the hell man#this is more revolutionary to me than any of the life things that I've refrained from posting about since my 'break' started#i didn't post about my doctor suspecting i have sleep apnea and me discovering that unrelated sleep apnea literally gives you brain damage#(which feels really relevant with my memory issues 😶)#i didn't even post about how i managed to graduate from making my friends autistic to making my virtual coworkers in another state autistic#but THIS gets a post. this is the first time I've ever felt like i could truly breathe in my life. what the fuck#this is the first time I've tried this and i haven't had it on for too long so i guess we'll see how i feel in the morning#but still. what the hell#appreciate your working noses please y'all don't know how good you have it#update: its been less than an hour and my nose has already found a way to fortify itself against the evil oxygen being allowed into it#it was good while it lasted 😔
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Haven't been following the James Somerton drama closely but it's become so ridiculous that it's funny
Is no one going to talk about the fact that he said that he thought it was okay for him to mention Vito Russo in the opening credits and then never mention him again because his book was out of print and Russo was dead....
And then in the same breath say that he was 'extending Russo's legacy' like my brother in Christ do you even hear yourself-
#hbomberguy#james somerton#vito russo#the celluloid closet#like lmao wtf#also the reason he plagiarized was because uh *clears throat*#he is ADHD and his mom had cancer and then she died and his father was grieving and he has epilepsy and memory issues and ajdjkdkskakskhdh#sorry my brain fizzled out#not saying thag life isn't harder because of all these things#BUT NONE OF THEM MADE YOU A SHITTY PERSON JAMES#THAT WAS ALL YOU. YOUR FAULT.#also apparently the other reason he took words from smaller queer creators was because people would listen to him as a cis white man#and not to them#fuck you james#hes so pathetic its funny#but then i remember how many people he has hurt#oh by the way edited versions of his videos are back up because nick should have his own portfolio#sure james sure#its all for nick
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A very disheveled and unamused Jack carrying a damaged Bruno.
I wanted to test out halftones and I really like how it came out! I'll deffo be doing more in the future.
#ygo#yugioh#ygo 5ds#yugioh 5ds#bruno borrelli#jack atlas#tw robot gore#cw robot gore#mild robot gore but wanna be safe#nebula!jack#nebula!bruno#nebula!au#these boys are sooo sad forever and ever#you ever have your friend try and bring back your dead robot buddy from years ago?#and it just kinda gets all fucked up cause its hard to write in memories for a whole person#so you just get a shell of the former person you loved#and then the 'replica' of that person gains self esteem issues and a whole identity crisis?#it works out in the end but man. me n my buddy made these boys sad
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prev. the fact that ive gained a lot of weight recently and i dont actually feel any worse than i did when i was the average weight for my height.
#my doctor and mom try to go ‘’oh but you get winded easily now and your mental heslth is worse’’#even tho thats actually been going on since like 2021 way before i gained weight#bc i got covid. then i got covid again#like if anything the wg happened BECAUSE of that but yeah sure whatever#echoed voice#i dont say this to go ‘’uwu but im not thaaat fat im still socially acceptably fat heheheee’’ or whatever#but like. objectively speaking im not even all that bigger#im 169 lb and 5’4 and before i was 120. like yes its a bigger jump but why are you losing your mind#meanwhile my health issues probably lay with my hormones bc i seriously fucking doubt my weight affects my Literal Memory#but oughhhhhhhhhhhhhh no no no we gotta talk abt how you need to eat more egggggggs
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i hate her if im being honest
#SHE JUST FUCKING#i like didnt see a box by the door n i was like yk its not too late to change my major to brain surgery yk like sarcastically i said this#and she goes i dont think youre smart enough for that 😕#THATS THE JOKE + SHUT THE FUCK UP ???#jesus christttt i just. i feel like shes always insulting my intelligence lately#said something the other day idr what n she was like i’d expect that from [younger sister] not you#n the clear implication was like. sister is smarter#i wish i remember what i’d said but like#sigh. its just kind of exhausting being The Stupid One#add to that the fact my memory issues are getting actively worse. doesnt feel too great tbh!!#rambling
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i can't believe there are people who hate pudding- god forbid women do anything and have complexity and trauma, huh?
#like did you not watch the same thing as me#'she almost killed sanj-' well a lot of characters we love started as villains ???? your point ???'#i don't think you can understand pudding in a fundamental level if you don't have mommy issues bc istg#GIRL WAS MANIPULATED HER WHOLE LIFE EXCUSE ME?????#wci did not say 'fuck abusive parents' for some of you to hate my babygirl#also sanji has done questionable things during this arc too like they're literally parallelisms IT'S NOT HARD TO UNDERSTAND#'she erased the memory of the kiss that's selfish-' do you even understand media literacy#one piece#charlotte pudding#whole cake island
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everywhere you turn there are people who make fun of people who don't shower as often as they ""should"". when will it end
#“haha eww gross [insert group of people i don't like] who only shower every three days” that's? literally normal?#“can you believe there are people who don't shower every day?” yes ?????#if you saw how rarely i showered when my despression was at its worst and i was unemployed you'd hurl#even now that i'm better i will often just. forget. because i hve memory issues.#be fucking thankful that you've never had to deal with this and shut your mouth#m
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"I def have adhd lol I just feel so hyper today" "isn't adhd just being quirky/loud?" "everyone is a little hyper/distracted" "this is the new tik tok trend"
#okay I used to be one of those people who would be like. no way I have it I'm not doing things all day and I don't get distracted by#squirrels or some shit like that#but I've since learnt I'm in fact hyperactive. badly actually. it's no bueno#my body bounces off the walls but it still can't catch up to my brain#I always had innatention and memory issues but I thought that was just me being an idiot#also the other day I literally forgot what I was talking abt bc of a fucking squirrel so there ya go ig#adhd#also no need for you to be moving all day to be hyperactive your brain can go off without your body syncing to it idk how to explain#anyway I think this was it all along you guys#the shit that was destroying my life was fucking adhd all along#the reason I couldn't hold a job or study or friends#the reason I could barely function the same as my friends who didn't even try#and wonder where I went wrong
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