#Ximena Flores | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

chulasword14-blog · 23 days ago

Text

Dearest Juan

Author's note:

his book contains a very sensitive topic: domestic physical violence. This topic may be triggering for some individuals. Read at your own discretion.

Worldwide, 1 in 3 Women have experienced physical and or sexual violence by an intimate partner.

Worldwide, 1 in 4 Men will have experienced physical domestic violence by an intimate partner.

This book is dedicated to anyone who has been a victim of domestic violence. You are not alone.

If you or anyone you know is experiencing domestic violence, please reach out and get help by calling. The National Domestic Violence Hotline. Hours: 24/7. Languages: English, Spanish, and 200+ through interpretation service.

800-799-7233

Chapter 1

Valentina age 11

It started with a letter.

"Okay, class, quiet down," Mrs. Flores said sweetly. "I have some exciting news for everyone.

"Oh, what is it?" Lori, the teacher's pet, chimed in, and my best friend Ximena and I rolled our eyes at her. "Mrs. Flores, Valentina, and Ximena are rolling their eyes at me.

"Enough of that, Valentina and Ximena. Is that how we act in class?" Mrs. Flores asks.

"No," we both say. We look over at Lori, and she’s gloating.

"And, Lori, you need to work on tattling on everyone." Mrs. Flores admonishes her, and the class ohs and awwwws. "Calm down, everyone. Are we ready to hear the news?" The whole class quiets down. "As you know, my twin sister Camila is a sixth-grade teacher too. She teaches in a school in East Los Angeles. We thought how fun it would be for us to have our classes get to know each other."

"Are we going on a field trip to L.A.?" Ximena asks.

"I wish," Mrs Flores laughs. "Our classes will get to know each other by becoming pen-pals. We will assign everyone to another student. You and the other student will write letters back and forth and get to know each other. Open your folder, and you will find the name of your new pen pals."

There is a flash of excitement when we open our daily work folders. A purple envelope with my name is on top of my reading log. I tear open the envelope and find my pen pal's name and a folded paper. I look at the name on it: Juan Cruz Montoya. Wait, I got a boy?

"Mrs. Flores, I got a boy," I say. She comes over to me.

"Yes, I know. We hand picked everyone’s pen pals. I hope you are okay with that?"

"I was mistaken, but I" ll be his friend," I say with a smile. I'm low-key excited that I get to write to a boy. He doesn't know me or what I look like. I have always been self-conscious that I have boobies already, and I'm a little chubby. I open the folded paper and see it's a worksheet we did at the beginning of the year with all our favorite things. Only his worksheet is clearly in his handwriting; I noticed a small picture attached. He’s cute, like real cute. "Mrs. Flores, do they know what we look like?"

"Yes, I asked your parents at the beginning of the year if this activity was okay, and they said yes. They provided us with a photograph to include with your favorite things." My heart fell into my stomach. Great he is gonna make fun of me. "Read your pen pal's list, Valentina."

"Okay," I say, sulking. I start reading about Juan's favorite things.

Favorite Food: Pizza

Least favorite food: Meatloaf

Favorite Movie: Don't laugh, but I love A Goofy Movie.

Favorite Color: Black and red

Favorite Candy: Anything Sour or spicy

Favorite Song: Too many to name; I love Spanish music, Rap, Rock, and oldies

Favorite Snack food: Takis

Who would it be if you could talk to anyone, alive or dead?: My dad, he ain't dead I just never met him.

I smile at his responses but get sad at the last answer. I know my Papi is strict with us, but I wouldn't know what I would do without him. It must be hard not to have your dad in your life. I look at the bottom of the sheet, and it says turn me over with an arrow pointing. I turn it over.

Hi Valentina,

My name is Juan, and I'm happy to be your pen pal. We have almost the same answers, well, except you not liking pizza. I have so many questions, like why it's the best thing ever invented. You must not have the right kind of pizza or something. The fact that you like the Fast and the Furious movies is pretty dope too. I like that you want to meet Selena. She was super talented and was pretty. Valentina, you're pretty too. I thought you ought to know in case no one has told you that. Do you have any brothers or sisters? I have five three sisters and two brothers. I'm the youngest. I hope you get to know you better! I will be happy to receive a letter back.

Your new friend,

Juan

My face is blazing red. I have read and re-read the letter to make sure I read that right that Juan said I was pretty. I had a face-splitting grin on my face. I pull out a sheet of light pink binder paper that I reserve for notes with my besties.

Hi Juan,

Let me start with why I dislike pizza with a passion. Like you, I am one of six siblings, the only girl, and the baby of the bunch. My brother's would always want pizza when my Papa would take us out for lunch after Church on Sundays. This one time, my brother Alessandro ate so much pizza that he threw up in the car. It came out of his nose, and it was disgusting, and it smelled horrible. Since then, I have refused to eat it. I love the Goofy movie, too I love Max and Roxanne. They are so cute. Selena was an amazing singer. My Papa wanted to name me Selena, but they picked Valentina since I was born on Valentine's Day. I'm sorry that you never met your dad before. That must suck. Thank you for saying I was pretty. You're pretty cute too. Okay, enough rambling from me. I better stop before I embarrass myself.

Your friend,

Valentina

The weeks passed, and I got a letter every week; sometimes, I would get two in one. I wrote them back just as fast. We had a lot in common, and one day he asked me for my phone number, and I gave it to him. I was sitting in the living room, and our house phone rang. I wasn't allowed a cell phone yet. My Mama answered it.

"Bueno?" Mama answers. "Who is this?" She asks in her accent. “Valentina ¿Quién es Juan?” Oh, you're her friend from school? Bueno, Valentina, the phone is for you. I'm going to church not too long on the phone."

"Okay, mama," I say and kiss her cheek. I can feel my pulse in my ears. A boy has never called me before. I take a deep breath before I put the phone to my ear. "Juan?"

"Hi Valentina, how are you? He says. I like his voice; it's nice. "Are you busy? Can you talk?"

"Hi Juan, I'm doing good, and yes, I can talk. What are you up to?"

"I'm drawing something for my art class. I'm drawing a snow owl with chalk."

"That's cool. Are you a good artist?"

"I think I'm okay. I can send you something if you want."

"I'd love to see your artwork."

"I will send you something tomorrow."

"I'm excited to see your artwork," I say.

We talked on the phone for three hours. We laughed and shared things that we had never shared with anyone. He told me one of his Tias from his dad's side reached out to him recently and told him that his dad wanted to meet him. His Mama told Juan that she would think about it. He told her it wasn't fair because his other siblings always see their dad, and he is always left out. We realized the time when I heard my parent's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh, my God, we have been on the phone for three hours! My parents are back from Church."

"Wow, that's a long time. I lost track of time because you're so easy to talk to. Can I call you again tomorrow?"

"I'd like that," I say with a smile.

"Good night Valentina, until tomorrow." He says.

"Good night Juan." I hang the phone up, run to my bedroom, and turn on the TV. Papa comes into my bedroom. "Hi, Papi," I say with a smile. "How was your prayer meeting?"

"Good, Mija. I want to talk to you about something." He says as he sits at the edge of my bed.

"What do you want to talk about? I ask.

"Mommy says that a boy called you tonight. You're too young for Novios, Valentina.” He says and I’m mortified.

“Papi! He’s my friend—no mas somos amigos. I don’t have any boyfriends.”

“Okay, I’m just telling you I don’t like that you have boys calling you. I’m going to trust you not to do anything silly.”

“Aye, Papi. He doesn’t like me anyway.”

“Why not?”

“Papi, look at me. Estoy gordita.”

“Mija, you are the most beautiful thing God has ever made.”

“Pa, you have to say that you're my Papi,” I say, hitting his arm. He smiles and kisses my forehead.

“I have never lied to you. Why would I start now, mi Amor? A la cama mi vida. Go to sleep now.”

I lie in bed, think about our phone call, and smile. I think I have a total crush on someone I have never met.

My first crush, but will it crush me?

Chapter 2

Valentina age 18

There is a knock at the door, and a delivery man stands there struggling with a massive arrangement of blood-red roses and balloons.

“Hi, I have a delivery for Valentina Castro.” He says.

“That’s me,” I say, taking the vase of flowers and putting them on the end table. I go back and grab the balloons. I grab my purse, take out some cash, and hand it to the guy. He thanks me and leaves. I grab the card off the roses. What it says gets me emotional.

My Dearest Roxanne (Valentina),

Happy Birthday and Valentine's Day, My Love. I thank God every day that he put you into my life. Even though we haven’t met in person, I know I love you, and you make me a better person! In a few more weeks and we will be together. I can’t wait1. I’m counting down the days.

Love you,

Yours forever,

Max ( Juan)

I grab my phone, and through tears, I hit the Facetime button, and it only rings once, and his face fills the screen.

“Those better be happy tears,” he says with a laugh.

“They are. Thank you so much, babe.” I say, giggling. I take the roses into my room and place them on the dresser with all the drawings Juan has sent me over the years. I love all of them, but my favorite is of Max and Roxanne from The Goofy Movie, but instead of their names on the bottom, it says Juan loves Valentina. He has called me his Roxanne since we were in the sixth grade. I have called him my Max since that time too. We still write letters every week and call each other every night. He was introduced to his father as a freshman, and his dad got him a job at the mechanic's place he owned, and he is learning how to fix cars which he loves. I see he is wearing the shop's shirt. “Did you just get back from work?”

“Yeah, I have been working extra hours to take more time off when I visit you in the Bay Area.”

“I can’t wait,” I say with a huge grin. “My dad said you can stay with us as long as you attend church,” I say, and he laughs.

“I know. He called me and gave me the third degree about what my intentions were with you.”

“No, he did not!” I say, completely embarrassed.

“He did, Love, but I get it. He wants to protect his daughter.”

“Can it be next week already?” I laugh.

“I know. I can’t wait to hold you in my arms, finally.”

“I can’t wait for that too. Juan, what about other things?” I say, and my voice is so quiet.

“What other things?”

“Stop it, you know what I’m talking about,” I say, and he awards me with his dimpled smile reserved for me.

“Yeah, I mean, I want to make love to you. If you’re not ready, I get it.”

“I want to; You have more experience than I do,” I say, and he looks down. We only became exclusive in the last year. He has had sex with a few girls, but I can’t hold that against him. We were not together, and we live almost seven hours away from each other. “Don’t feel bad. I know how you get.”

“You know that I’ll always be yours.”

“I know that, and I’ll always be yours.”

“What are you doing for your birthday?”

“I’m going out to lunch with Ximena and Lori in a few minutes,” I say with a smile.

“It’s funny how you and Lori hated each other, and now you are each others best friends.”

“Yeah, after her Mama died in eighth grade, Ximena and I were the only ones that went to her house to see how she was doing. We have been ride or dies since then.” I say with a smile. I can tell how exhausted he is. “My love, go to bed. I know you’re tired.”

“I wanted to stay on the phone until you had to leave but I’m so drained. Happy Birthday love.”

“Did you check your mailbox?”

“Not yet, should I? He asks, and I nod. He smiles at me, and my heart flutters. “What the fuck? Baby, you didn’t need to.”

“It’s Valentine's Day, and I wanted to get you something special.” He opens the box and smiles wide when he picks up the stuffed Max and Roxanne. He pulls out another smaller bag, the gift I know he will love. I would love to wear this red and black checkered button-up shirt when we were younger because Juan had one identical to me. He pulls out the bag and he looks directly at me.

“Is this what I think it is?” he says, holding a custom teddy bear made out of the shirt I wore all those years ago. I nod and smile. “It smells so good.”

“I sprayed it with my perfume and wore the shirt a few more times. Do you like it?”

“No, I don’t like it.” He says, and my heart falls. “I love it, babe.” His smile is large, and it makes my heart stammer. “Besame.”

“I’m so glad you love it,” I say and kiss him. He does the same.

“I can’t wait to do that for reals.” He says and yawns. “Have a nice time with your friends.”

“Go to bed, babe,” I say with a smile.

“Text me when you get home so I know you got back safe.” He says, and he hangs up. There is a knock at the door, and I open it and smile at my besties holding gift bags.

“Guys, I said no gifts,” I say, hugging each of them.

“Pendeja, you know we don’t listen,” Ximena laughs. “Open them up!”

“No, girl, not here. Just in case.” Lori giggles.

“In case what?” I say, getting nervous they’re capable of anything.

“Nevermind, let’s go in your room.” Ximena nearly drags me down the hall into my bedroom. “Shiiiittt, those flowers are gorgeous. I’m so jealous. I want someone to send me flowers. Girl or guy, I ain’t picky at this point.” We plop on my bed in fits of giggles. “Open your gifts.”

I open the gifts, and I hear the front door open. Ximena and Lori grab the gift bags and throw them on the side of the bed when my bedroom door opens. I look at them in shock and wonder what the fuck is in the gift bags. It’s my Mama and Papa.

“Feliz Cumple Años, Mi Vida,” Papi says, kissing me on my head.

“Felicidades, Amorcito,” Mama says getting emotional. She always gets emotional on our birthdays. She kisses my cheek over and over again, making me laugh. “Hola, niñas”

“Hola, Hermana Luna y Pastor Martin” Ximena and Lori say. My Papi has been their Pastor since they were young. He smiles and nods at them.

“Mija, we have a gift for you before you go out for lunch,” Papi says. “Come and follow me.” We all follow him out of the room and head out of the house. He turns and looks at me. “Catch,” I put my hands out and catch a set of keys on a cute keychain. I look up and see a red Honda in the driveway.

“No way!”I scream and run and hug both of my parents.

“All the money you gave us from your after-school job at the kid's program, I saved it to get you this car,” Mami says.

“Maaaaa, that money was to help pay a few bills.”

“No, Mija, you’re starting college, and I don’t want you waiting at night for a bus. It’s dangerous.”

“Gracias, Mami y Papi. Los amo.”

“Go with your friends, Mija, and have a good time. We will have dinner and a cake tonight with all the family. We need to go back to the Church to finish up some work.” Papi says as they walk away to the Church less than a block away. We wait until we can’t see them again and run into the house.

We go into my room, and they hand me the gift bags again and open them slowly. I’m surprised to find sexy lingerie and edible underwear. My cheeks are burning red, and I look at them, and they laugh.

“So about lunch, we are going to eat, but we are going to the health center on campus so you can get a birth control shot,” Ximena says.

“What? Why?” I say with a stutter.

“You plan on having sex with Juan, no?” Lori says.

“I, yes, I want to have sex with him,” I say, feeling my face burn.

“Don’t get embarrassed, mujer, it’s natural, but if you get pregnant by Juan, your papi will shit a brick and never let you out again. This way, you’re protecting yourself from getting pregnant anyway.”

“That’s a good idea,” I say. “Don’t you need an appointment?”

“Yes, we took care of that for you,” Lori grins.

We went to the health clinic, and I got a shot in my butt because I didn’t want Mama to see the bandaid on my arm and start asking questions. Which she totally would do. We went to lunch at our favorite sushi place, and we chatted. And we gossiped the whole time.

“Vale’ have you and Juan had phone sex? Lori asked. My face gets red, and I look down. “Is that blushing a yes?”

“No, but I have seen him and have always been too shy.” I laugh.

“You better get over that shyness if you are gonna have sex with him. You need to be naked bitch.” Ximena cackles.

“Fuck off, Ximena. I know that,” I laugh. “Let’s go.”

I drop off the girls at their respective houses, head back to my own, and find all my brothers already there. Alessandro, Angel, Antonio, and Adan. They get up and hug me and start trying to annoy me. Alessandro and Angel are married, and they each have two children. Alessandro had two boys, and Angel had two girls. They were terrors, but I loved those babies. My sisters-in-law were helping Mama make Chile’ Rellenos.

The food was out of this world, and we had a fantastic time. I got a bunch of jewelry from my siblings. They bug the shit out of me, but they spoil me. I love them even when they annoy me. They keep saying they will fuck with Juan when he gets here. I hope they don’t, but deep in my gut, I know they will, but it will be good fun.

*****

Today is the day that Juan is coming to visit. He is taking a Greyhound bus, and it will take him ten hours to get here due to all the stops the bus makes. Juan has a car, but the car won’t make it. I clean the room where he will stay and rearrange things multiple times. I want everything to be perfect for him.

“Mija, it looks perfect already. Stop stressing out.” Papi laughs.

“Paaaaaa,” I whine. “I still need to make sure there is no dust,” I say as I get a text, look at my phone, and smile.

My Max Juan: Hey babe, my dad is dropping me off at the bus station in a few minutes. My bus should arrive around nine tonight. I ‘m so excited.

Me: Yay, I can’t wait to see you! I’ll take you out to eat tonight—our first date.

My Max Juan: No, I’m taking you out. I’m paying for everything. I have to go.

Me: Be safe. I will be at the bus station at nine.

At eight-thirty, I head to the bus station, and my heart pounds hard. I’m nervous and excited for this moment. I sit in my car and listen to music, and I try to control my anxiety. Half an hour later, a bus pulls up, and I’m so happy when I see it. It says LA bus four on the front, so I know this would be his bus. I get out of the car and see everyone exiting the bus. I don’t see him yet, but many people are on the bus. The driver leaves and closes the door, and I don’t see Juan. I go up to the bus driver and tap his arm.

“Excuse me, but I was waiting for my boyfriend, is he still on the bus?” I ask.

“No, sorry, everyone that was on my bus got off. He may have missed the bus. There should be another bus coming in two to three hours.”

“Thank you,” I say, taking out my phone. I push Juan’s contact, and it goes directly to voicemail. “Juan, did you miss the bus? Please call me as soon as you can.” I send him a text.

Me: Juan, did you miss your bus? Please let me know if you’re okay.

I sit in my car and turn it on to turn on the radio. I continuously look at my phone, and my message hasn’t been read. I fall asleep, and when I wake up, I realize it has been three hours, and a bus has pulled up. I again watch all the people exit the bus, and still no Juan. I called him again, but it said, “We are sorry your phone call cannot be connected. Please check the number and dial again.” I do and get the same message. I text him, but it comes back undelivered. It’s at this point that I start to sob. I’m so stupid to think that a guy like Juan would like me. I feel like I got played.

He broke my fucking heart.

Chapter 3

Juan

I grab my backpack and enter the living room to find my mom watching her Novels. I know good and well not to interrupt until a commercial. I decide to go and make sandwiches for the bus ride. Once I finish in the kitchen, I see a commercial. I kiss the top of her head, and she looks up, smiles at me, and stands up.

“Are you leaving now?” She asks.

“Yes,” I say with a smile. I hug her tightly. I decided I wouldn’t return to Los Angeles but didn’t want to tell her. She wouldn’t care anyway. She didn’t raise me, my abuela did, and since my Abuela died, I have no one here for me. My brothers and sisters don’t give a shit about me. I have Valentina, and that’s all I need. “I wanted to say goodbye before I left.”

“Bye, Johnny-Boy. Don’t do anything stupid. Don’t think with your dick and get that girl pregnant.” She says, pushing me out of the way of the TV,

“Are being serious right now,” I say with a scowl.

“Shhh, my show is back on,” she says.

“Dude, whatever. I’m out.” I slam the front door, jump into my car, and head to my dad’s mechanics shop. “Dad, you ready?”

“Give me five minutes. Fabian is coming with us. He’s going on the bus to Tijuana. He is looking for his passport. Give your bags to Cisco, and he will put them in the trunk.”

“Okay,” I say. I hand my backpack and my suitcase to Cisco, his shop assistant. Fabian walks in, showing his passport. Fabian is my half-brother, and I only met him last month. I lift my chin to him in a hello.

“What’s up, bro,” Fabian smiles. “Damn, you gonna take a ten-hour bus ride just to fuck a girl. Damn, she better be worth it.”

“Fuck you, man,” I say, getting mad.

“Hey, calm the fuck down, both of you. Get in the fucking car now.” Dad says, laughing. I text Valentina on the way to the bus station, letting her know I’m going to the Greyhound Station.

Once we arrive, Cisco hands me all my stuff, and I walk into the Station. Fabian stays outside talking to Dad. I don’t need to stick around with them. I go to the ticket window and show them my online ticket, and they print me an actual ticket. I sit on one bench and eat a sandwich while waiting for the bus. I notice police and their drug-sniffing German shepherds looking around; This is pretty normal for airport and bus terminals, so I think nothing of it. Until one of the dogs sits right next to my suitcase. I look up at the cop, and he pats the dog on the head.

“Good job, Tilly,” he says. “Can I search your bags?” I have nothing to hide, so I nod. “You need to tell me yes, kid, verbally.”

“Yeah, you can look in my bags. But you're wasting your time.” I say, and he opens my bag.

“You sure about that?” He asks as he turns around. All the color drains from my face because he is holding a brick of cocaine in his hands.

“What the fuck? That’s not mine!” I yell.

“Put your hands behind your back. You’re under arrest for being in possession of a narcotic with an intention to sell..” The cops says. He tells me rights as he puts the handcuff on me. Everyone is staring at me, and I’m humiliated. What the fuck who’s is that shit. Who would do this to me? Out of the corner of my eye, I see Fabian, and he’s laughing. No fucking way he did this. Then I see my dad. He hugs him and looks over, and he saluts me with his fingers against his temple. Hell no, my dad was behind this shit. I’m full of hatred.

“Fuck you!” I yell. He laughs at me.

“Shut up, kid, and keep walking.” The cop yells.

“I’m not talking to you.” I snarl. He pushes me forward, and I get into his cop car. This is not fucking happening right now. Shit Valentina! Okay, I’m sure they will listen if I tell them it’s not mine.

He drives me to the county jail and takes me to booking. I get fingerprinted and get my mug shot taken. This is so surreal because I have never been in trouble in my life. On the other hand, my brothers have been in and out of jail. I get stripped and searched, and I’m so humiliated, and I’m so fucking scared. They take my clothes, shoes, and cell phone, and I’m given jail-issued clothing and slippers.

“Am I going to speak to someone like a lawyer?” I ask.

“Not today, maybe tomorrow, maybe the next day.”

“Do I get a phone call?”

“Yeah, but just one.”

“I need my cellphone. I don’t have any numbers memorized.”

“No, not my problem. Do you want to make your call?”

“Yeah,” I say. He puts in a code.

“I thought you didn’t know anyone's number,” he laughs.

“I know one,” I say and dial the number. The phone rings, telling you have a collect call from an inmate. Inmate, state your name. “Johnny-boy.” They agree to take the call.

“How did I know you would be like your brothers.” My mom says, “My stories are on; hurry up and tell me what you did.”

“Ma, I didn’t do it. I swear I didn’t do it. Can you please call the jail and find out my bail?”

“Why?” she asks

“So you can bail me out.”

“No, you need to stay there. If you didn’t do it, stay there, and they will let you come out.” She says.

“Mom, please. I didn’t do it.” I say, almost in tears. The call disconnects.

******

I still haven’t heard from any lawyers two weeks later. I got into a fight on my first night there because someone tried to touch me sexually, and I busted his nose. I got put in solitary; today was the first day they let me out. I look like shit, and I have lost weight because the food is complete shit. They take me to a room with an older man sitting at a round table. He looks like one of the seedy lawyers you see on TV in the middle of the night. He motions me to sit down, and I notice a pile of clothes beside him.

“Sit down, kid. We got court in one hour.”

“An hour! This is the first time that anyone has spoken to me.” I say

“I only found out about you yesterday. I have no idea what happened. So tell me what happened.”

“I was fucking framed, is what happened. They put the drugs in my bag.”

“Who is they?” He asks, but he already knows that I won’t say. I’m no rat, but I don’t want to be here. “You have no record, so that is a good sign. I heard you got into a fight the first night you were here. Why?” I sit there and say nothing. He knows without me saying. He knows exactly what happened, and I’ll never speak of it. It was humiliating. “It was self-defense?”

“Yes, sir. What’s going to happen?”

“I’m hoping they will give you probation since it’s your first time getting into trouble.”

“What about the fight? Can they use that against me?”

“I hope not, but let's keep our fingers crossed. Today we find out everything, your sentencing if there is one, or if you are free to leave.”

“Shit, I want to get the fuck out of here,” I say as he hands me the clothing.

“Go into that door. There is a shower and stuff to shave in this paper bag.” I nod and head into the room.

Once I’m alone in the shower, all my defenses go down, and I cry. I sobbing so hard that I’m shaking. I finish showering and take deep breaths to get my emotions in check. I rub the palms of my hands into my eyes. I come out dressed, and the guard puts me in shackles and leads me to a bus to the courthouse. The sun is hurting my eyes because of not seeing daylight for nearly two weeks. Once we enter the court, they put me in a room, and I have to wait until my turn. I keep praying under my breath that I get to go home today. They call my name, and I head into the court with my lawyer, whose name I find out is Marshall.

Everything is a blur, and I sit in the seat in shock and feel the court officer grab my arm to stand me up. I look at Marshall, and I’m fighting my emotions. I can’t show emotions not here. I need to act tough. They put me back into the holding room to speak to Marshall. Once I see Marshall, I let the tears fall down my face.

“Four years!” I yell. “They gave me four fucking years. I thought you said that I was going to get probation?”

“They used the fight against you,” Marshall says. “Do your time, and it will be over fast.”

“It’s four years! Prison, not jail!” I say, filled with anger and fear. The door opens, and an officer is there with shackles.

“Montoya, stand up.” He says in a loud voice. I stand, and he puts me in the shackles. “We are transporting you to Pelican Bay State Prison.” All I do is nod.

I get on a bus with other inmates, and I’m given a brown bag lunch. The drive was rough and long, and some guy puked, and they wouldn’t pull over for him to get sick, so we had to drive in the stench. I slept most of the way and felt safe because everyone was shackled to their seats.

We finally arrive, and I’m sick to my stomach in worry. I’m afraid that what happened the first night in County Jail will happen again. I get out, and there is a man with a clipboard, and we are told to say our name and inmate number. I get out of the bus and stand in front of the man.

“Montoya, 10140613,”

“Montoya, Juan, Cruz.” Unit 6, cell 24,” he yells. Someone comes and gets me and takes me to intake. I have to do another strip search, medical checks. I’m given all-white prison-issue clothing and blue slip-on shoes. I’m given a small bag with toiletries. They put on bracelets that have all my information on them. As they put on the bracelets, I ask a question.

“Where can I get paper to write a letter?” I ask.

“Normally, you have to buy paper at the commissary. You won’t have any money on your books, seeing that you just got here.”

“How do I get money on my books?”

“Your family puts money on your books, or you can see if they have a job available. “

I’m taken to my cell, and as I walk up, I see him, the guy who attacked me when I first arrived at the jail. I feel like I’m going to puke any second. He still has a white strip of tape across his nose, and his eyes are still blackened. He narrows his eyes at me and grins, and this grin gives me chills.

“Watch your back, bitch,” he spits.

“Get to your cell, Martinez. Keep fucking walking.” The guard yells. “Montoya, this is your cellmate, Padilla.” I looked over, and it was the guy walking with Martinez. He’s short, dark skin, and has the reddest hair ever. He raises his chin in hello.

“Joe Padilla, but everyone calls me Chucky,” He puts a handout. I take his offered hand and shake it.

“Juan, or Johnny boy,” I say as I walk into the cell.

For the next few hours, Chucky gives me the lowdown on the ins and outs of the Prison—the rules. He tells me to watch myself with Martinez. He says they call him Psycho for a reason. They are from the same neighborhood and are childhood friends; that’s just great. Now I really have to watch my back. I see a huge tattoed man walking through, and he stops at all the cells. I notice he is not wearing prison attire; he’s in a button-up Ben Davis shirt. On the back, it says Los Reyes Azteca M.C.C.

“Who is that?” I ask Chucky.

“That’s one of the counselors they assign to us.”

“Is he a prisoner too?”

“Nah, he works for the Prison. I hear he’s cool, though.”

“Is he your counselor?”

“Nah, that’s my counselor over there,” he points out. I see a bumbling guy walking through and doing the same thing the bigger guy did. “ I call him Sheldon because he looks like the guy from the show with all the nerds.” I laugh—my first genuine laugh.

“He does look like him,” I say as the big guy approaches our cell.

“Montoya?” he asks.

“That’s me,” I say.

“I’m Dominick Sanchez. You can call me Dom. I’ll be your counselor while you’re here. Take a walk with me.”

I step out of the cell, and we walk over to his office, and I sit and chat with him, and it’s as if I have known him my whole life. He tells me that he teaches mechanics and motorcycle maintenance. I ask him about his shirt and its meaning, and he tells me he is a motorcycle club leader. I tell him I’m nervous about Psycho being in the same Prison. He said he would introduce me to some of the guys he counseled.

I’m uneasy, but if I have Dom on my side, I can get through this. The person I need on my side is Valentina.

I hope she waits for me.

Chapter 4

Valentina

Six Months Later

I lay in bed, stared at the cottage cheese ceiling, and cried. Every day I cry. For the first three weeks of Juan not showing up, I called every day until I got this number is not in service message. I was embarrassed, humiliated, and devastated. How could I ever think he could be into a girl like me? I heard it all the time from my Tias. ‘Vale has such a pretty face image how beautiful she would look if she lost weight.’ Well, I lost a ton of weight in the last six months and I still feel like shit. I threw myself into my studies, but my depression has gotten the better of me. My phone rings, and it’s Lori. I usually send the call to voice mail, but today I decided to end my pity party.

“Hello,” I say in a small voice.

“Fucking. Finally, you answer me!” She yells, annoyed.

“I’m so sorry,” I say, and my voice cracks. “It’s just been so hard. I was wrong, I fooled myself into thinking we had something special.”

“Ximena and I are coming over right now. We’ll stop and get some food. What do you want to eat?”

“Chicken wings, the good ones,”

“You got it!”

An hour later, my besties and I are sprawled in the living room watching Pretty in Pink and eating our chicken wings which are to die for. My friends are shocked about how much weight I have lost.

“How much weight did you lose?” Ximena asked.

“About forty pounds. My depression took me out,” I say. “I’m going to try to do better. I need to be better. I got played, and that’s that.”

“Let me go beat his ass!” Lori says, and I snort out a laugh.

“You deserve so much better!” Ximena shouts.

“Yeah, she does,” Alessandro says, holding up something. He hands it to me. “I’m not going to Mama and Papa about this, but think about what you’re doing.” He leaves the house without another word.

“What are you talking about, Sandro?” I say, looking at what he has handed me. I turn it over, and I gasp. “Holy shit! It’s from Juan. He’s in Prison!”

“What, the actual fuck? Why for what?” Ximena yells.

“I have no clue,” I say, shaking.

“Open the fucking letter genius,” Lori shrieks, making us laugh. I tear open the envelope and pull out the contents and poloriod picture.

My Roxanne,

I’m so sorry. The day I was supposed to get on the bus, I was at the bus station, and drugs were planted in my suitcase, and I was arrested. I always meant to go to you. I would never stand you up. I was going to you, baby. I promise I was on my way to you with all that I am. I have thought of you every single day since I got arrested. I was going to see you and never leave. I was going to find a job and live there with you. My entire life has been fucked up since I was born, and when I met you all those years ago, you gave me a reason to be happy. The first night I was arrested, something fucked up happened to me, causing me to get into a huge fight. When we went to court, they used it against me and sentenced me to four years.

You are my only saving grace. I’m trying to do good for us to get to you. I have a counselor who has saved my life here. He has taken me under his wing and is like the father I never had. It took me so long to write you because I had no money on my books. My mother wouldn’t put any money on my books. I’m trying to stay safe and out of trouble, but there is this guy here that every time he sees me, he slams into my shoulder or pushes me. I leave him alone, but he seems to look for me to fuck with me. I would love for you to write me back, and I would love to hear your voice, my love. If you want me to call you, get a phone card and add the code to your phone so I can contact you. When you write, please give me your number so I can call you. I miss you so fucking much, and I love you so damn much it hurts. Please send me pictures of you so I can put them up in my cell. I hope you forgive me for leaving you. Please tell me that you’ll wait for. I have been reading and working out a lot; there is not much to do here.

I love you forever,

Your Max

I sit there in utter shock and tears. He didn’t ghost me on purpose, and he truly loves me. My heart is hammering in my chest. I look at the other papers in the envelope; it’s a drawing from Juan and a stunning photo of us drawn in pencil. The picture was one of him in all white, wearing sunglasses. He isn’t smiling, but he looks so handsome. The other was a half sheet of a song he dedicated to me; We Belong Together by Richie Valens. I’m in tears and almost forget that my friends are there.

“Wow, that was beautiful. That’s completely fucked up. Who would do that to him? Do you believe him?” Ximena asks.

“Yes, I do believe him. I have an idea, but I hope I’m wrong.”

“Who?” They both yell out.

“His dad. He hasn’t been in his life that long and seemed like he used him.”

“What do you mean he used him?” Lori asks

“He has other siblings on his dad’s side, and it was obvious that he put the other kids before him. I was facetiming Juan once, and he took all the kids to a nice steakhouse except Juan. Which was fucked up because he busted his ass to get his approval. I hope to God that I’m wrong about this.”

“Wow, I hope that you’re wrong, Vale. What are you going to do?” Ximena asks.

“Well, I’m going to write him back,” I say.

“What if you get in trouble?” Lori asks. “Alessandro is such a snitch.”

“I will have to intercept the mail first. Today was a total fluke. I’m the one who gets the mail every day.”

“Okay, we will leave so you can write your man. We should go out this weekend to San Francisco.” Ximena says, giving me a big hug. I nod. I need a day out with my girls.

“Call us later, Boo,” Lori hugs me too,

Once they leave, I run into my room and lock the door. I sit there and cry, but this time it’s happy tears that Juan didn’t ghost me, but they’re also sad because of what he’s going through. I look at the letter and see his information on the envelope. I look up the Prison online and read up on it. It’s the most dangerous in California, making me sick. I find out how to put money on his books and send him one hundred dollars. He didn’t ask me to. I did this because I wanted to. I pull out my stationary with roses he bought me a few years ago.

My Max,

I don’t even know where to start. I have been in such a state of depression for the last six months. I thought you played me, and I was so devastated. There were days I didn’t get out of bed, and my parents were so worried that they took me to the doctor. I was put on anti-depressants. My heart started beating again once I got your letter and felt alive. I have missed you terribly. You hold my heart in your hands, and I will wait for you, baby.

I have been in college, and I’m doing well in my studies, and I decided that I want to be a teacher. I work as a tutor after school, and it works out perfectly because I can make my schedule. So far, I have two students: a fourth grader helping with reading and her brother, a senior whom I'm helping with his English essays. I put money on your books. If you need anything, please let me know. I will go today and get a phone card from the store. This is my number 510-555-2122 can’t wait to hear your voice again. I will also send you some pictures of me. You looked so handsome in your photo, but I wish you would smile. You have a beautiful smile. I love you so much!

Love you,

Your Roxanne

I kissed the letter and ran and put it in the mailbox at the corner of our house,

My heart is soaring, and I’m excited for the first time in six months.

Chapter 5

Juan

I got to the commissary to see if I had enough to buy a razor because I looked like a mess. I get to the window and look at all the snacks and markers I can’t afford. This sucks, and I hate it here.

“How much do I have on my books, Montoya 10140613,” he looks at the computer screen and writes down on paper. I see $110, and my eyes widen in the amount. “Is this right?” he nods. “Wow, okay, let me get a razor, a Snickers, and those markers,” I say, pointing at the good markers. I take my stuff, and I’m still in shock. I get back to my cell and put my things in a lock box.

“Someone put money on your books?” Chucky asks.

“Yeah, but I don’t know who.”

“Maybe your mama?”

“Nah, she would never. Maybe one of my brothers.” I say. I shave and get ready to go to the autobody shop to work with Dom.

“I heard they may let Psycho out of here in the next five months,” he says. I’m happy to hear I won’t ever have to see him again. My friend from the group that Dom introduced me to was at my cell door.

“You ready for work Johnny-Boy?” He asks.

“What’s up, Vampiro? Yeah, let’s go,” I say, clapping hands with him. His name is Freddy, but he is so pale that they call him Vampiro. Later Chucky.” We go down the walkway and see one of the guards approaching the stairs.

“Mail call,” he yells, and I look back just as he’s at my cell, and he hands something to Chucky. He heads back into the cell. He doesn’t look at me, making me sad. I wrote to Valentina a few weeks ago and haven’t heard from her yet.

We get to the Autobody garage, and we change into coveralls. Dom comes up to me, and we clap hands. He motions for me to walk with him, and I follow him. He looks at me and puts his hand on my shoulder.

“What’s up, jefe?” I ask.

“Listen, you know I care about you, right?”

“Yeah, I know; what’s up?”

“Because Mario got released, there was an opening in my mechanic class.”

“So, what’s that got to do with me?”

“Psycho took it.” He says.

“Aww, shit.”

“Listen, everyone has a right to be here in the class. Everyone deserves a right for a seat at the table. Let’s show him grace; if he acts a fool, his ass is out. Point blank.”

“Okay, fine.”

“I already talked to him. He’ll be cool. He’s here. Martinez, come here.” He says he walks over. “This is Johnny-Boy, and he will show you the ropes.” Psycho looks at me and smiles. It’s creepy as fuck smile. He claps my hand with his.

“No hard feels carnal,” Psycho says. I nod.

I spend the rest of the work day showing Psycho around the shop. He asks questions which I answer. He is hands-on with some of the repairs. I stand off to the side and let him do it. Once he’s done, he comes over to me.

“Hey, where are you from?” he asks, drinking water.

“Inland Empire and you?”

“San Bernardino. You got family waiting for you?”

“Nah, not family, but I got my girl. How about you?”

“Nah, I’m starting to talk to my family, so we’ll see.”

Once the day is done, I head to the canteen for dinner. They say it’s chicken, but it looks a bit gray for my liking. I take a deep breath and shovel it into my mouth. I hurry up to return to my cell to eat my candy bar. I have been thinking about that damn chocolate bar all damn day long. I walk into the cell, and Chucky lies in his bunk reading a book. He points at my bunk and looks at it. There is an envelope on my pillow, and my heart races. I run and grab it. He laughs at my enthusiasm. I look at the letter and see it’s from Valentina and my eyes water.

“Is that why you have been moping around here for the last week?” he chuckles. I flip him off, and he laughs. “The letters come to us open so they can examine all the contents. I didn’t open it.”

“ I know,” I say with a laugh. I take out the contents, see Valentina’s face, and feel a brick in my throat. “Damn, she's beautiful.”

“Can I see what she looks like?” Chucky asks. I hand him the picture. He whistles low, “Damn, lucky pendejo. She’s fine as fuck.”

“Calmate, Güey,” I laugh.

“I’m gonna go play dominos with Psycho. I’ll give you privacy so you can read your letter and rub one out,” he laughs and runs out. Chucky is crazy as fuck. He is always saying crazy shit to make me laugh.

I sit on the edge of my bunk and start to read, with tears falling down my face. Valentina’s depression I caused that. I feel sad but so happy when she says she’ll wait for me. I see her phone number, and my heart is beating so hard. I leap off the bunk and run out of the cell towards the pay phone. I dial and redial because, in my excitement, I hit the wrong numbers. Finally, I get it right, and I’m asked to record my name. The call is accepted, and I’m shaking.

“Baby?” She cries into the phone. It rips my heart out but gives me a reason to do good.

“Hi, my love,”

********

Sixth months later

Since I’m good at drawing, many guys asked me if I could tattoo them, and one guy made me a tattoo gun which I had to hide well because I could get in trouble for having it. No one would say who was tattooing them. Before I tattooed anyone, I practiced on myself. The first thing I tattoed on myself was Valentina's name on my forearm. I have tattooed Chucky and even Psycho. He and I are cool, but I wouldn’t say we were friends or anything close to it. He will get out soon, which is good for everyone. I would call Valentina every morning and night. She wanted to come and visit, and I would love to see her, but I didn’t want to see her behind a glass wall and not be able to touch her.

“Babe, I want to see you,” she would cry.

“I don’t want you to see me like this baby and not be able to touch you. That would be torture.” I say. A message let us know that our call will be disconnected soon. “I love you. Let me figure something out.”

“I love you. What are you figuring out? She asks just as the call gets disconnected. I head back into my room and see Chucky writing something near my table.

“What are you doing?” I noticed that he jumped a little. “Are you going through my stuff?”

“Nah, bro, I was using your pencil to write an idea for a poem for my ol’ lady.” He stutters. I narrow my eyes at him. “I swear on my daughter.”

“Alright. Hey, Chucky, you still got that phone?”

“Yup, it’s in the wall, and I just charged it” He says when he moves one of the drawings I did of his daughter. He pulls out from a hole in the wall. “You need to use it?”

“Yeah, can you Facetime on it?”

“Yup, here. Let me be the lookout.” Chucky stands at the cell door and lights up a cigarette. I call Valentina, and thankfully she answers.

“Juan, oh my god, what are you doing? You’re going to get in trouble.” She says, worried.

“Do you want me to hang up?” I tease.

“No, don’t I just want to see your face,” she smiles. I tease her even more and take off my shirt. “Baby, you look so good. You buffed up with all kinds of muscles.”

“All I do lately is workout and work on cars, and that is work out by itself. Do you like what you see?” I ask. I hear Chucky groan and laugh. I flip him off and laugh.

“God, yes, wait, is there someone with you?” she asks, her face pinking up.

“Yeah, my celly Chucky is my lookout,” I say. Chucky runs over quickly and waves at Valentina.

“Hi, Valentina,” he laughs. “If he hangs up, that means someone was coming.”

“Hi, Chucky.” She says shyly. Chucky goes back to the door.

“Damn, baby, you look so beautiful,” I whisper. “You go me fucking hard as fuck,”

“Baby, he’s gonna hear you! She whispers.

“No, he put on his headphones. He’s listening to loud music. You can say no, but do you want to see it?” I see if Chucky is looking, and his back is to me. She nods fast, and her face is red. I take my dick out and show her. “You see what you do to me? I take myself in my hand and rub up and down. Her eyes widen, and I see want in her eyes. “I love you,” I say as I moan out my release into a tissue. “Damn, my love, I love you.”

“I love you so much,” she says.

“Trucha,” Chucky warns me. I disconnect the call quickly and put the phone behind the toilet tank next to the bunk. The guards come up and ask Chucky why he’s outside the cell. “ Johnny-Boy was taking a shit, and I was about to puke.” He laughs. This fucking guy is too much. At least he had my back.

“Thanks, man,” I laugh.

A few days later, I lift weights in the yard, and today is the day that Psycho gets released. Dom makes all of the guys in the mechanic program take a picture with the guy getting released. Dom made me and Psycho squat down in front, and he had us clap hands. Something has always been off with that pendejo, but I played nice because of Dom. I was lifting a two-hundred-and-fifty-pound barbell when I saw Psycho and Chucky approaching, and I didn’t think anything of it. As I was about to push the barbell up, Psycho pushed it onto my chest and throat, causing me trouble breathing. I struggled to push it back up. Panic went through me as Psycho bent down ear level.

“I’m gonna fuck you up. When I see you on the streets, you're dead. I’ll fuck shit up.” He released the bell, and I sat up and gasped for air. I look at Chucky and he was being held back by one of Psycho’s so called friends. He runs over to me and he looks shocked.

“He could have killed you just then.” Chucky pants. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I think so.” I don’t recognize my own voice its so raspy.

“What the fuck are you going to do?”

“Nothing. He’s leaving here anyway.”

“You want to Facetime Valentina?”

“That would be great,” I say, getting up slowly.

I could be having a shit day, and she brings the sunshine back into my life.

Chapter 6

Valentina

One year later

I get a letter a week from Juan, and I get so happy when I do. He calls me twice daily and sometimes Facetime me with Chucky’s phone. My parents found out he was in Prison, and shit hit the fan, but my Papi let me continue writing to him. Lori thinks it’s romantic that I’m waiting for him, but Ximena thinks I’m crazy because many guys want to date me. But they are not Juan. I threw myself into my schoolwork and have one more year to go. I have been volunteering at a local school to get practicum hours. So it’s been hard to connect with Juan, and I know it saddens him.

“I get it, babe,” he said on Facetime last night. “I’m proud of you! I miss you, is all.”

“I know you are proud of me. I wish you were here with me.”

“I know, I fucked up. I know this,” he says, irritated. He has never raised his voice at me. “I’m sorry, babe. I wish more than anything that I was there with you. I’m going to get going. I’m not in a good space right now.”

“Baby,” I start. He disconnects the call. I know his mental health has taken a toll from Prison for nearly two years. It breaks my heart. There is nothing I can do. I will wait for his phone call tomorrow.

*********

Juan is still in his head three weeks later, but we haven’t fought. I can tell it’s getting to him. We still write letters, and he sends fun drawings that decorate my bedroom walls. He sends me pictures of himself, and I love those. My Papi is getting worried that I’ll waste my time waiting for him and he’ll not know how to integrate back into society. I always fight with them, but they’re stuck in their ways.

We are having a massive event at our Church where are all the missionaries we support come together, and they have Church all week. My Papa is supporting a sister church from Southern California, and the Pastor and his family will be here too. I told Juan that I would only be available to talk to him in the mornings because I would be at Church all day. He said that he would try because he had work. I will speak to him eventually. I know it may be next week, but it will happen.

“Hurry up, Valentina,” Alessandro yells from the living room. “Papi wants us there already. He wants us to meet the Pastor from the other Church.

“Shut up; I’m coming,” I say, looking in the mirror one last time. I’m wearing a floral dress that I love on me. I walk out into the living room. “How do I look?”

“You look nice. Let’s go before Pa has a fit.” He is wearing a navy blue suit.

“I guess you look nice too. You showered today; it must be a special occasion.” I giggle, and he hugs me to him.

We walk to the Church and do the same thing we did as children; we jump over every crack and laugh. We walk into the Church and find Papi passing in the corridor. He looks anxious and then relieved.

“What is wrong with you?” I laugh.

“When I say be here at twelve, I mean to be here at twelve, not one.” he snips.

“Pa, it was her fault,” Alessandro says, pointing at me.

“Snitch,” I whisper. “I had to look nice, Papi. You said for me to look nice,”

“I did, but I didn’t say to take two hours.” Papi laughs, hugging me. “I want to introduce you to someone.”

“Come on ‘Sandro Papi wants to introduce us to someone,” I yell out, and Mama comes out of nowhere and whacks my arm causing me to laugh.

“Don't yell in the church,” She says. “Papi wants to introduce you to someone, not Alessandro.”

“Who?” I ask.

“Go to Papi’s office, and you’ll see.”

I go down the hall towards my Papi’s office and say hi to people on my way. I was raised in this Church, so everyone knows me fairly well. Since we were raised in this Church, we know not to just walk into Papi’s office without knocking. So I knock on the door and wait for him to let me know it’s okay to enter.

“Come in,” Papi says. “Come in, Mija,” The peple in the room stand from their chairs. “Mija, this is Pastor Moreno and his son Marco Antonio. They’ll be here for a few months to learn the ropes from me.”

“Hola, Pastor Moreno,” I shake his hand and kisses my cheek in a hello. This is something totally normal for me. “Hi, Marco Antonio. I’m Valentina.” Marco Antonio takes my hand, and he also kisses my cheek. I can feel my face get warm.

“You can call me Tony. I look forward to getting to know you.” Tony smiles and showcases huge dimples. I notice his blue eyes, and he’s so handsome. I feel so guilty being attracted to him.

“I thought you could show him around and include him in things you do with your friends,” Papi says. I look at him with wide eyes, and he looks at me with the Papi fuck around and find out look.

“Sure, we are going out tonight for ice cream. Would you like to come?” I ask.

“That would be great.” He says with a smile. As he and his dad walk out, he turns to look at me again. “Hey, Valentina, would it be okay to sit with you during the service?”

“Sure, If you don’t mind sitting with my best friends,” I say, and he nods. Once they leave the room, I look at my Papi. “Are you trying to set me up? I have a boyfriend, Papi,” I practically yell.

“You know how I feel about that, Valentina.” He yells. “Be friends with Tony, and maybe he may surprise you.”

“I love Juan, Pa. What don’t you get about that?”

“Go into the sanctuary. Church is about to start. We will not talk about this again,” He scolds. I’m fuming. “Fix our face.” I put the fakest smile at him. “Knock it off, Vale’, Andale go.”

I enter the sanctuary and find Ximena and Lori whispering back and forth while staring at someone. I follow their eyes, see who they’re staring at, and laugh. Tony. His eyes meet mine, and he smiles broadly at me. The girls run up to me.

“Who is that?” They whisper at the same time.

“That’s Tony, Pastor Moreno’s son,” I say.

“He is gorgeous,” Ximena laughs.

“Yes, he is,” Lori giggles.

“Well, my Papi is trying to set us up.”

“What? Are you serious? What about Juan?” Lori says without taking a breath.

“Dang girl, breath,” I laugh. “I love Juan, and that’s that. My Papi is mad, but I promised we would hang out, so Tony is coming with us for ice cream.”

“Yay, I want to see what that mouth does to ice cream.”

“Girl shut up. We’re in Church,” I laugh. “You can have him.” The Church band starts to play, and that’s our cue to sit down. I wave Tony over, and he comes and sits beside us. “These are my best friends, Ximena and Lori.” He shakes their hands in hello. The choir leads us in a few songs. My Papi heads up to the pulpit, adjusts his tie, and makes eye contact. That only means one thing, and I want to run and hide. My Papi does this when we have a special guest.

“Mija, ¿Nos bendecirás con una canción? We would love for you to bless us with your Rendition of Hallelujah.” “He says as I stand up. It’s not like I can say no. Alessandro meets me up on the stage with his guitar.

Since I was a little girl, I would close my eyes when I would sing because I thought they wouldn't see me if I closed my eyes. To this day, I still do the same thing. I sing everyone applauds me when I finish singing, and I rush to sit back down. My face is burning red as I return to our pew; Tony stands so I can squeeze past him, and once I sit down, he places his hand on my bare knee and leans into me.

“Your voice is as beautiful as you are, Valentina,” Tony whispers. I like the feeling of his hand on my knee more than I should. I can feel my face redden, and he smiles and winks at me.

“Thank you,” I say shyly.

After the service, we go to the ice cream shop around the corner from the Church. We have a fun time talking and laughing. My friends like him, and he seems to enjoy their crazy banter back and forth. He has funny stories of being a PK (Pastors Kid). He notices me shiver, taking off his suit jacket and putting it over my shoulders. The girls looks at me with shock on their faces. He tells us he rebelled as a teen and got a few tattoos in his rebellion. He rolls up his dress shirt sleeve, and we see the ink,

“A few? That’s a whole fucking sleeve,” Ximena. “Sorry, Tony, I have a dirty mouth. I’m working on it.” He laughs.

“I still have slip ups too. It’s fine. Yeah, it’s a lot of tattoos, but as long as I keep them covered at Church, my dad is cool about it.”

“I have to get going. I have an early lecture in the morning,” Lori says.

“Yeah, me too,” Ximena chimes in. “Vale’ you coming?” I stand up, and Tony puts his hand on my arm.

“Valentina, could we chat a bit longer? I’ll you walk home.” Tony asks. I know I should say no, but I don’t. I nod, and he grins, “We can go for coffee next door.” I hug my friends in turn, and Lori whispers in my ear.

“What are you doing? What about Juan?”

“I’m not doing anything. He’s my new friend. That’s it.” I whisper.

We go to the coffee shop, and he finds us a table, pulls out my chair, and I sit. He goes and puts our order in. He comes back, sits across from me, reaches the table, and grabs my hand.

“Thank you for being nice to me,” Tony says.

“Of course, Tony,” I say, squeezing his hand in return. “Why wouldn’t I be nice to you?”

“People treat you differently when you get led astray. Even more so when you’re the Pastor's kids.”

“I know; we have always been under a microscope, and I hate it sometimes. It’s nice to talk to someone who gets it and is not a sibling.”

“Tell me about yourself?” He says, taking a slow sip of his coffee.

“Not much to tell. I’m almost twenty and studying to be a teacher, which takes up most of my time.”

“What about a boyfriend? Do you have one of those?” he smiles, but it’s a knowing smile. I squint my eyes at him.

“What did my Papi tell you and your dad?” I ask accusingly. He puts his hands up in mock surrender.

“Okay, okay. He said he was worried about you.”

“He doesn’t need to be. So you’re hanging out with me out of pity?”

“No, of course not. When I came to the Church today, he asked me to get to know you. I hadn’t made a decision. That is until I saw how gorgeous you were.” I can feel my face get all warm, and I look down. I feel angry at my Papi, but at the same time, I feel guilty because I liked the attention from Tony.

“We can be friends for sure,” I smile. His smile is bright, and the way my heart flutters makes me mad at myself.

“I’ll take what I can get.” He says with a wink. “I think I should walk you home.” I nod. “My family is staying on the house property at your Church. It’s really nice.”

“It is. My parents always tell me when I get married, it will be mine.” I laugh.

“That’s cool.” He smiles as we walk down the street.

“Yeah, I don’t know.” I laugh. “This is me. I point to my house. “Thank you for walking me home.”

“Of course, I’ll see you tomorrow, right?” He asks, and I nod. He hugs me to him in a goodbye. “Until tomorrow, beautiful.”

I entered the house, and my dad looks at me and smiles. Then, I realize I still have Tony’s suit jacket on. I go into my room without talking to him and plop on my bed. My heart is fighting with my brain. As much as I love Juan, this has me questioning everything. Do I want to wait three years to be kissed, held, and loved on? I know I only met Tony tonight, but this brought up so many things that I had never considered. I love Juan and know the way I feel is normal. This will pass, and Juan and I will get back on track.

******

A week passed in a blur, and I have hung out with Tony almost every day as he is of my co-teachers with Ximena and Lori. We were put with the three- and four-year-olds; it has been fun and messy. Tonight will be the messiest of the all the nights; it’s painting night. After we finish setting up the class, Ximena and Lori want to do a girls' day until Church tonight. Tony was going to go out with Alessandro today. We get to the restaurant for our Sushi and Chisme lunch. I have missed this time with my girls. We get seated and order our food, and my phone rings a Facetime call from Juan and do something I never had. I reject the call.

“Valentina, what are you doing?” Lori asks. “Juan loves you.”

“I know he does,” I say, guilty. “ I love him too. I’m so confused. Let me try to call him back.” I step out of the restaurant and call back. He answers quickly. Seeing his face makes me feel horrible that I did that to him. “Hi baby, I’m sorry I was at lunch with the girls.”

“Damn, I fucking miss your face. I just wanted to tell you that I miss and love you. I need to get to work.”

“I love you so much.” I start to cry.

“Baby, why are you crying?” He asks, touching the screen with his fingers.

“I’m sorry, I’m just so emotional lately,” I say.

“Never apologize for your emotions. I have to get going. I love you.” He blows me a kiss and hangs up. I head back into the restaurant, and the girls eat salads. “The salad looks amazing,” I say, forking salad into my mouth.

“Can I say something to you?” Ximena says.

“Yeah, what’s up?” I ask.

“Don’t get mad. We know that you like Tony.” Ximena says, and I nod, looking down.

“I do, but I don’t want to like him. I love Juan.”

“I get that but think about what you’re doing before you can’t change it.”

“What do you mean?”

“If you like Tony, you need to be honest with Juan. It’s not fair to him.” She says, and I start to cry. My heart is shattered because I don’t know what to do. “Don’t get mad about this, Valentina. I don’t care for Tony; something’s off.”

“He’s a good guy, kind of dorky but good.” I laugh.

“She means he comes off as disingenuous and a try-hard.” Lori chimes in.

“Guys, you act like I’m dating him. I have a crush on Tony. That’s all. I still have Juan, and I love him. I feel guilty for thinking someone else is handsome.”

“You still have eyes. You ain’t dead. Looking is okay. Touching, on the other hand,” Ximena laughs, making me laugh.

Our Church class was insanely fun, but it was like herding cats. The kids got paint on everything but their papers. One of the kids spilled paint on Ximena’s pants right before class was over, so she and Lori left early to clean up. After their parent picked up the last kid, Tony and I started to clean up. We finished cleaning quickly, and I rested on one of the chairs. Tony came up and looked at me, kneeling in front of me, and chuckled.

“You have pink paint on your cheek,” he says, touching my cheek. The touch of his hand made me flush red. He pushed my hair behind my ear, leaned in closely, and his lips met mine. I could have pulled away, but I didn’t.

My whole life imploded. Nothing makes sense anymore, and I feel horrible that I don’t feel horrible. In the last week, this boy has swept me off my feet. Everything I thought I knew just went flying out the window.

It was only a kiss.

Chapter 7

Juan

Six months later

Dearest Juan,

This has to be the hardest letter I have ever had to write. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say, but before I do, I want you to know that you have changed my life, and I am so grateful for you. Man, this is harder than I thought. I met someone, and I’m getting married this weekend. I’m so so sorry. You will forever have a piece of my heart. Please forgive me.

Your friend forever,

Valentina

I sit on the edge of my bunk, shaking as I grip this fucking letter. I feel like I can’t catch my breath. I’m through all the emotions, hatred, anger, depression. Right now, extreme outrage is at the top of the list. I get up, head for the payphone, and dial Valentina because I deserve answers from her. I get that this number has been disconnected or is no longer in service bullshit. I redialed and got the same thing. Fucking Bitch! She said she would never hurt me, and this is exactly what she fucking did. I return to the cell and push past Chucky hitting his shoulder with my own.

“What the fuck is wrong with you, Ese?” he says, pissed. I throw the letter at his feet, and he bends down to pick it up. His eyes widen when he reads it. “Fuck that, Puta, Bro, just finish your time and get the degree you're working on. Do you, brother, do you,” He says.

“A degree I can’t fucking use. I’m a felon, bro; no one is trying to hire a felon. I’m gonna talk to Dom.” I say. “Thanks, Carnal.”

I walk to Dom’s office, and he waves me in, and I put the letter on his desk. He gets up to close his office, and the guard stops him.

“Hey, give us some privacy. This one is good.” Dom says as he closes the door. I love that he gives no fucks. He comes back and sits back down, and looks at the letter. “Fuck, mijo, I’m sorry about this. You’ll meet someone else.”

“How the fuck am I going to meet someone else? I’m in prison.” I yell. He puts his hand up to have me calm down. “Sorry, Dom, but this fucking sucks. She was my whole world, and I stupidly thought she would wait for me.”

“She was your first love, and she’ll always be that. It’s going to take time to move on. You will, though.” He said, and I wanted desperately to believe him. “I have some news for you.”

“What?” I asked.

“There is overcrowding, and the counselors were asked to give them names of prisoners we think could benefit from early release. I gave them your name.”

“What? Wow, why couldn’t this be six months ago? Dom, I have nothing and nowhere to go.”

“Take a breath. There is something else as well. Do you know someone by the name of Sarai Lopez?”

Sarai, yes, we used to fuck around before I got serious with Valentina. Why?”

“She was killed in a car accident after she got drunk and decided to drive.”

“Aww, that sucks.” I say/ “Why are you telling me this.”

“She had a two-year-old daughter, and all her medical records list you as her father.”

“What!” I can feel all the color drain from my face. “Where is the baby?”

“She is in the foster care system and safe, Juan. We need an expedited blood test.” He says, and I nod.

“What’s her name?”

“Her name is Zoe. Let's go to the medics; they already know we are coming for a blood draw; hopefully, we will have the results by the morning.”

“Okay, what if she is mine? I’m in prison; I can’t take care of her from in here,”

“Did you not hear me? You’re going home,” he whispers. “You have to go in front of the panel tomorrow, and you will be out of here by noon.”

“I’ll believe it when I see it,” I laugh. “if I get out, where will we live?”

“Stop with the fucking questions. I got you taken care of. You’re like a son to me, and I got you.”

After I get my blood drawn, I return to my cell, stay there the rest of the day, and think. I can’t worry about Valentina anymore. I may have a daughter that will need me. I brainstormed how I would provide for her. I will be there for her. I will show her the love my parents never showed me. I go to sleep, toss, and turn because I worry if Zoe is safe in her foster home. You hear so many horror stories about foster homes. I look at the alarm clock at six-thirty and get up and sit at my desk. I take down all Valentina’s pictures and letters and throw them in a metal trash can, light a match, and burn them. I throw in a cup of water to put the flame out once they are ruined enough. I see Dom walking down the hall and approaching the cell door. He knocks lightly, and I lift my chin to him in hello.

“It’s a girl. Congratulations, Papa.” He smiles. He hands me a bag of clothes. “Get ready for the panel meeting.” He gives me an envelope. “You have an hour to get ready.”

I sit on the bed and open the envelope that he gave me. There are two photos of the most beautiful baby girl. She is grinning, showcasing her tiny teeth and dimples. She has Sarai’s light brown hair and green eyes, but everything else is me. My Dark skin, same nose, and eye shape. She is definitely my daughter.

I get dressed and head to the panel room with Dom and I wonder why he is coming with me, but I don’t ask. I sat down when I asked to.

“Juan Cruz Montoya, we have been reviewing your file and are quite impressed with your progress while here.” The clerk says with a smile.

“Thank you, Ma’am,” I say.

“We will release you today, effective immediately. Do you have a safe place to stay?” My heart goes into my stomach. Out of the corner of my eye, I see a hand raise. It’s Dom.” “Yes, Mr. Sanchez?”

“I have a few rentals on our land in Napa, and he will work in my shop,” Dom says.

“Okay, Mr. Montoya, you’re free to go.”

“Thank you,” I say. A bag of my belongings is handed to me. My phone and clothing that I know will not fit me anymore. “Dom, do I get to say bye to the guys?”

“Do you want to go back in there?” He laughs.

“Fuck, no.” I laugh.

“They already know that you got released if you didn’t come back.”

We drove four hours to Napa, and once we pulled into the massive driveway. I see a shop that says Los Reyes Azteca. A bunch of guys are working on motorcycles and cars. This is pretty cool, and it’s surreal that I’m outside, breathing fresh air. We drive further in, and I see different duplexes scattered all over the land, all so nice. We arrive at a huge Spanish-style home, and man, it’s beautiful, like something out of a movie. An attractive middle-aged woman comes out holding a screaming baby. It takes me a second to realize that it’s Zoe that she is holding.

“I don’t understand?” I say to Dom.

“When we found out that Zoe was in foster care, we called everyone we knew in the system, and since we used to be foster parents and had our licenses still valid, they let us take her in. I couldn’t let her be without family. Mijo, you and Zoe are our family and always will be.”

“Thanks, Dom,” I say and hug him. We get out of the car, and she has a set of lungs on her.

“She has been crying and screaming for her Mama all day.” The woman says.

“Poor baby,” Dom says. “Mijo, this is my wife, Ariana.”

“Thank you, Ariana, for taking care of Zoe,” I say and notice a cast on Zoe’s arm and a few scratches on her face. “Oh my god, was she in the car with her mom?”

“Yes, she was. She is lucky to be alive. The car flipped multiple times.” She says over Zoe’s screams, and it breaks my heart. “Honey, look, this is your Papi. Remember I said Papi was coming.” Zoe immediately stopped screaming. She looked at me and put her arms out to me. I ran over to her, grabbed her into my arms, and hugged her. She snuggled into my chest and hiccuped over and over until she was silent.

“She fell asleep,” I say in awe of this tiny little girl in my arms. I kissed the top of her head. “I will give you the whole world, mijita. I’ll make you proud of me.”

Juan, don’t fuck this up.

Chapter 8

Valentina

Tony and I have been married for a year, and the first few months were good until it wasn’t. I was shocked at what transpired, and felt like an out-of-body experience. And I can’t believe I have become this person. I don’t know who I am anymore.

8 Months Earlier

Summer break is almost over. Tony and I have been falling into married life. Our fathers married us, which was memorable for both of us. My besties were my matrons of honor; yes, they both were. I could choose between the two of them. They prepped me for my wedding night and gave me tips and pointers, which went out the window when it happened. I had romanticized it in my head that he would make love to me and be gentle for the first time. He kissed me more aggressively than ever, and I chalked that up to him being excited and horny. When it came to sex, he didn’t make love to me he fucked me.

I wasn’t prepared for the pain, which took my breath away. He was rough, and it hurt, but I knew that it would. I had nothing to compare it to, so what do I know? He finished, rolled off of me, and passed out next to me. I lay there for hours, confused about what happened. I thought because it was the first time, he got too excited. The next morning, he woke me up by kissing me, and I thought, Okay, this time will be different, but it wasn’t. We got out of bed to start our day, and as I made breakfast, he sat at the kitchen table looking at me.

“Damn, I love fucking my wife,” he said with a grin. “Come here, baby,” I went over, and he sat me on his lap and kissed my neck. “Are you excited for a drive down the coast?”

“Yes, I’m super excited to see the beaches,” I say. “What time are we leaving? I need to check my school class schedule. School starts in a month, and it’s my last semester.”

“Baby, we need to talk,” Tony says. I look him in the face. “I want you to be a housewife, like your mama and mine.”

“Tony, I don’t want that. I want to educate children.”

“It was just a thought. I want you all to myself. Let’s go.”

We went on our honeymoon a drive down the coast, and we stayed at amazing hotels along the way, and the sex was still the same: Rough. When we came home, I told my Mama what Tony asked me about not attending school anymore. She is so old school, and I don’t know why I asked her for her opinion.

“Mija, he is your husband. He is the head of your home, and if he wants you to do something, you should.”

“Mommy, I worked hard for this.”

“Pues, you want your marriage to be successful. Yes?”

“Of course I do. But I can do both things,”

“Go home and make dinner for your marido, mija,” She said, and I rolled my eyes.

I walk back to our house, change into shorts and a tank top, make dinner, and make homemade tortillas. He comes in from work and kisses me. He washes his hands, sits at the table, and I put his plate on the table. I start to serve my plate, and he clears his throat.

“Give me a beer,” he says. I put my plate down on the table and grab his beer. I sit down and start to eat. “Mas tortillas.” He does this a few more times. When I get to my food, it's already cold, and he is finished.

“Baby, Ximena and Lori wanted me to get ice cream after dinner,” I say. He nods, leaning back in his chair and taking a swig out of his beer bottle.

“Okay, I need to go fix the AC at the Church. Change your clothes before you leave.” He gets up, kisses me, and leaves the house again.

I start to wash the dishes and lose track of time because I hear a car horn outside. Shit Ximena. I grab my purse and run out the door. I’m so excited to hang out with my girls. I mean, I love my husband, but I miss my girls.

“How’s married life?” Lori asks as she licks her chocolate ice cream cone.

“Good, I’m learning to live with someone and sleep in the same bed as him.”

“Speaking of bed, how’s the bed activities?” Ximena laughs.

“He likes it rough, like really rough.”

“Wow, I was not expecting you to say that. Do you like it? Are you still on birth control?” Ximena asks.

“I don’t know. I wish it were more romantic, not so frantic. I never went back to get the shot, but we use condoms. Tony doesn’t like the idea of me on birth control.”

“Be careful, girl, you may still get pregnant. I think you should say something about what you want sexually. Maybe he doesn’t know.” Ximena says.

“No, bitch he has to know. He just wants to get off.” Lori says. She looks at her watch. “Shit, I need to get home. I have an early appointment tomorrow.” We walk out of the ice cream shop and walk towards the car. I see Tony’s truck, and our eyes meet. His eyes look lethal as he looks me up and down.

“Hey, ladies.” He says.

“Hey, Tony.” They both say.

“Baby, you ready to go?” he asks. I nod. Look at the girls and hug them.

“I’ll see you later,” I say to them. I get in the truck and look over at him; he is gripping the steering wheel tightly. “Are you okay?” He pulls into an empty alleyway, and he pulls over. I look at him, and he turns to me quickly. He takes one of his hands and squeezes my face so hard that it hurts me.

“I told you to change your fucking clothes, did I not!” he screams in my face. I’m shocked at his reaction.

“I totally forgot. It’s not such a big deal. They’re not that short.” I say, and I’m so surprised at what Tony does next. He backhands me across the face.

“You’re talking back to me now bitch,” He yells, and I start to shake and cry in fear. It’s like I’m looking at a whole different person. My lip is split, and my eye is stinging so badly. I run my tongue against my teeth to make sure none are broken. Then, he looks at me like a switch is flipped again. “Shit, my love, I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.” I keep looking at him as I hold the truck door handle. “Please let me drive you home.” I look straight ahead, and he drives us back to our home. Once he pulls into the driveway, I jump out and run down the block to my parent's house. I run into the house, and my Mama sits watching novels and having coffee. She stuns me with what comes out of her mouth.

“Aye, Mija, what did you do?” She says.

“Ma, what do you mean what I did? Where is my Papi?”

“He isn’t here. He is visiting another church, and he’ll be back next week. Do not tell him about this. Mija, go back to Tony and work out whatever you need to. This is between the two of you, no one else.”

“So, what you’re telling me that you are okay with him hitting me, your daughter?” I cry.

“Mija, of course not, but you’re married now and must figure out how to obey your husband. You must be there for him in everything, fulfilling his needs.”

“So, you mean let him hit and fuck me anytime he wants?”

“I will not have that language in my house, Valentina!” She yells. “Go to your husband, Hija. Things will get better.”

“Yeah, okay.” I slam the front door and run home. When I get there, Tony is sitting on the couch drinking out of a bottle of Tequila.

“Did you tell your parents I hit you?” he asks.

“My mama, but she sent me back home,” I say, kicking off my shoes.

“Valentina, come here to me.” Tony waves me over. I reluctantly walk over. He grabs my hands and sits me on his lap. “Mi Amor, I’m so sorry; I will never do that again.” He says, and I look down at my feet. He puts his finger under my chin and kisses me. He takes me by the hand and takes me to our bedroom, and he fucks me.

The following day, I look at myself in the mirror and sob. I have a fat, split lip, and a black eye. He wants me to make him breakfast burritos for work, so I rush into the kitchen and start cooking. He comes into the kitchen, and he looks at me and smiles, and the smile I once loved I can’t stand.

“I have a few things I want to say to you,” Tony says.

“Okay, what’s up?” I say cautiously.

“First thing, I want you to stop seeing Lori and Ximena. They’re bad influences on you.”

“We have been best friends since forever you can’t ask me to do that. They’re like my sisters.” I cry.

“I don’t give a fuck. I said no, and no is no. Let me find out if you see them behind my back and just wait. The second thing is school starts next month, right?” He asks, and I nod. If you get pregnant before school starts, no school; if you don’t get pregnant, then you can go.” I nod and think that since we use condoms, I could not be pregnant.

Boy, was I wrong. Two weeks later, I stand in my bedroom in tears, holding a positive pregnancy test between my fingers. Everything I have ever worked for has been ripped from me. I can’t even call my friends because he looks at the call list online. He enters the room, looks at the pregnancy test I hold, and smirks.

“I guess that means no school que, no?” he laughs.

“That’s not funny, Tony. I worked hard to get my degree.” I sniffle. “I thought we were being careful using condoms.”

“Condoms?” Tony laughs. “I never used that shit.”

“Tony, you got them from the box and opened the condom,” I say.

“I never put them on.” He laughs.

“You’re an asshole,” I say out of anger.

“I’m a what?” he yells, slapping me across the face. He leaves the house, slamming the front door.

I lay in my bed, and around midnight, I felt the bed dip next to me, and Tony smelled of hard liquor and weed. He tries to fuck me but he passes out. Thank God for small favors.

I’m living in a nightmare.

Chapter 9

Juan

Chasing after a toddler is more exhausting than working in the shop, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. She is my entire world, and I would do anything to keep a smile on her face. Teething was a complete bitch. She got it bad: the fever, diarrhea, and runny nose. She was miserable and only wanted me, which was hard because I needed to work. There were days in the beginning when she would cry out for her Mama, and I would cry right along with her. It happens less and less because she has a lot of people that love her and dote on her and spoil the shit out of her. She calls Dom and Ariana, Papa and Nana, and they love it. Today is one of the days that she has been a cranky, sassy little girl. The funniest and weirdest thing is that she still baby babbles but can be understood.

“Mija, please eat your eggies,” I plead with her.

“No!” she shouts. “I no wike it.”

“What do you mean you don’t like it?” I say, trying not to laugh.

“I Messssican toast,” she says.

“What the fuck is Mexican Toast?” I say to myself.

“Oh, bad dada, Pow Pow. Papa Messssican toast.”

“Papa makes it?” I ask her. I laugh at our conversation and call Dom, “Hey, old man.”

“What’s up Mijo?”

“Your Granddaughter is being extra chiflada today. Super sassy pants. She refuses to eat the eggs I made her, and he is asking for something called Mexican toast.” I say, and Dom bursts out in laughter. He is laughing so hard he can’t catch his breath. “Okayyyy, what is it?”

“French toast, but we ain’t French; we’re Mexican, so Mexican toast.”

“Oh my god!” I laugh. “I’ll be at work as soon as I get this little one to S.C.H.O.O.L.”

“Good luck with that.”

“Once she is there, she loves it but freaks out when I drop her off.”

“See you at work after you drop her off.”

I make her Mexican toast, and she gobbles it up. I change into dark blue jeans and wear a Los Reyes MCC shirt. Dom brought me into the Motorcycle club a month after I got out and got my motorcycle license. I put on my leather jacket, grab Zoe, and get her dressed in her Minnie Mouse dress and leggings underneath. I grab my helmet and a specially made helmet just for Zoe. I put it on her and placed her in a special harness on my back for toddlers to ride on motorcycles.

“Vroom, Vroom,” She giggles. I drive down the road, turn into the day care parking lot, and hear her over the roar of my bike. “No! Dada.” I turn off my bike, undo the harness, and take her out. She is crying her little eyes out.

“Love, you need to go to school so Daddy can make money for your toys,” I say, and she stops crying and looks at me. That got her.

“Toys?”

“You want toys?” I ask, and she nods quickly. “Okay, you need to go to school, and Nana will come and pick you up.” I put her down, held her hand, and walked to her classroom. I notice a woman who is always staring at me every day. She is wearing a revealing top, and I noticed she pushes her arms against her tits to make them look bigger.

“Hi, Zoe’s daddy,” she says. “I’m Amelia’s mama, Carolina.”

“Hi, I’m Juan,” I say. I look over and see Zoe hugging a little girl. “Is that Amelia?”

“Yes, that’s my baby. I was asking about you and know you’re a single parent, and I’m a single mom if you wanted to get together for coffee or dinner sometime.” All I can think is, wow, this woman is bold as fuck, but what have I got to lose?

“Sure, I’m down to grab some dinner. When did you want to do this?” I ask.

“Are you free tonight?”

“I think I am. Wait, is it with the kids?”

“I’d like to get together without the kids,” she says, touching my forearm. I know what that meant. I’m a man with needs, but she will never be Valentina. I will always love her, but I hate her at the same time. I nod in agreement, and she hands me her phone. “ Put in your phone number, and I will text you my address.”

“Thank you. I have a few clients this morning and am working on a few cars this afternoon, but I should be done by six or so.”

“How about eight? To give you enough time to unwind before coming over?” She asks.

“That sounds great,” I say. She kisses me on the cheek, and it takes me by surprise. “See you later, Carolina.”

I get on my motorcycle and feel guilty that I’m excited about a date. I know I shouldn’t feel guilty, but I still love Valentina. I’m always so busy during the day with car repairs and tattoo clients that I don’t have time to dwell on Valentina, but when the night comes, and I’m lying in my bed, the sadness and sometimes anger comes. Before I make it home, I stop at the pharmacy and buy a box of condoms. I drop off my box of condoms in my room, walk over to the tattoo area of the shop, and see my client Roy-Lee. He’s a character, and he moved here from Tennessee. He works in the car shop, but I made time to finish his pin-up tattoo. He sits on my tattooing table as I prep his skin.

“I heard some chisme about you,” he said with this thick southern accent.

“Oh, yeah, what did you hear?” I laugh. “It’s proably a lie.”

“I heard you have a date with Carolina Lopez,” he says.

“What the fuck? How do you know that?”

“Carolina is Stephanie’s good friend, and Caro told her.” He laughed. Stephanie Roy-Lee’s wife has been a godsend who babysits Zoey when Nana Ariana can’t. “Steph said she would watch the kids tonight for y’all.”

“Damn, well, news travels fast. Tell Steph I appreciate it, and I will drop her off at seven-thirty.”

“Hey, I know you’re a grown-ass man, but be safe and bring condoms otherwise, she’ll be ‘hollerin’ instead of swallerin’” he cackles.

“What the fuck does that mean?” I laugh.

“You know, hollerin’ squeezing out of baby from her cooter.”

“Roy-Lee, shut the fuck up, and let’s get this tat finished.” I finished up with Roy-Lee and was cleaning up the area when Mama Ariana walked into my tattoo office. “Hey, Ma,” I say, kissing her cheek.

“Mijo, can I ask you a huge favor?” She asks.

“Anything, Ma, what’s up?”

“I’m meeting with a possible emergent client today, and I was wondering, since your house has three rooms, could they use one of them temporarily?” She asks. Usually, I wouldn’t care, but I need to think of Zoe now and her safety.

“Can I think about it for a little bit?”

“Of course you can, but Zoe will be completely safe. I can’t tell you anything else, but I promise she will be safe.”

“Okay, if it’s temporary, then I’m okay with it.”

“Thank you, hijo.” She says, giving me a quick kiss on the cheek.

My workday is over, and I’m wiped the fuck out. I hear tiny feet running up the pathway, laughing all the way. I open the door and see Zoe; her smile makes me so happy. I never knew what I was missing until she came into my life. I already got her diaper bag ready with her pullups and her sippy. She is potty-training and refuses diapers, so she thinks the pull-ups are big girl panties. She is excited to ride in Daddy’s special car, a cherry-red 1964 Mustang. The first thing I bought and remodeled on my own. We pull up to Roy-Lee and Stephanie’s house, and Zoe gets excited to play with their kids. I go into the house, and Carolina is already in there, and she is wearing the shortest tank-top mini skirt.

“Hi, handsome,” she says with a smile.

“Hi, you ready to go?” I ask. I’m getting nervous for some strange reason.

“Yes, but we are going to my place because I made you dinner,” she said with a smile.

“Okay, let’s go.” I look at her, smile, and catch Roy-Lee standing in the kitchen, and he winks at me. I narrow my eyes at him and laugh. “Bye Roy-Lee! Zoe, be a good girl. I’ll be back to pick you up.”

“Bye, Papi,” She runs over and kisses me.

I open the car door for her, look at her from the back window, and notice one big thing: she doesn’t unlock my door. I remember a movie I would watch when I was a kid, and the guy says if a woman doesn’t unlock your door, she’s a selfish broad, and dump her fast. I take my keys, unlock my door, and get in. I drive us to her small apartment and she lets us in. I turn around to close the door, and I turn back to face Carolina, and she is completely naked.

“You like what you see? I made dinner for you, but do you want to eat me first?” She says, closing the distance between us. I’m fucking hard as fuck, but what man wouldn’t be.

She grabs me by the hand and leads me to the sofa. She lies down on her back, and I hover over and kiss her. There is no spark for me, and I can’t do this, but my dick won’t listen. I tell my mind to shut the fuck up. I need this release. So I trail my tongue down her body, and I reach her pussy and lap my tongue over her slit, teasing her, and her hands go straight for my hair, and she pulls on it. I continue doing this until she is screaming.

“Oh, god, oh god,” she chants. She pulls my shirt over my head, and I unbutton my jeans and take out my cock. I reach for my wallet, and she grabs my wrist. “I’m on the pill.”

“Nope, I wrap up or nothing at all,” I say. I look at her, and she nods, biting her lip. I take my cock into my hand and roll on the rubber; once it’s in place, I enter her slowly and move in and out of her. She is so loud, and I feel good that I’m doing that to her, but there is no connection. I grab her tits and realize they’re fake, and I’m not sure how I feel about that. I put my hand between us and rub her clit. I want her to come so I can come and get the fuck out of here. She shatters underneath me, and her pussy clamps down my cock, making me come. I pull out of her, kiss her forehead, and put my clothes back on,

“I like fucking you,” she says with a smile. “You ready to eat dinner?” I nod and smile at her as she leaves the room. “I’m gonna get into something comfy.” She leaves the room and comes back in leggings and a tank top. We eat dinner, and it’s a bit awkward because we have nothing in common. “Do you want to fuck again?”

“I think I should go. My daughter has separation anxiety.” I say, getting up from the table.

“Can I at least get a kiss?” She asks. I go over to her and kiss her, and she shoves her tongue into my mouth. “Yummy, baby, you taste good.” She lets go of me, and I kiss her forehead, “Have good dreams.”

“You too, thanks for dinner,” I say as I leave.

I drive down the road, pull over, and punch the steering wheel. Why the fuck did I do that? I know why, but I don’t want to admit it to myself.

I miss my Roxanne, my Valentina, and it breaks my heart that I have lost her forever.

Chapter 10

Valentina

He said the last time was the last. It was a lie. He has put his hands on me any chance he got. He got enraged when I found out I was pregnant with a girl, not a boy.

“You did it wrong, Vale’” he said in front of my doctor, a very nice Indian woman.

“Actually, Daddy, your sperm is the one that determines the sex of the baby.” She says as she is cleaning the gel off my belly. All I can think is, please, Tony, don’t act stupid. I smiled at the doctor, hoping she wouldn’t say anything. “Everything looks great, and I will leave the ultrasound copy at the front desk to schedule your follow-up for four weeks.” She leaves the room, and he looks at me. I’m smiling at the screen where the image is still of my baby girl,

“What the fuck are you smiling at? I don’t want a daughter. I wanted a son.” He snaps,

“I can’t do anything about that, Tony,” I say, getting nervous. He yanks me off the exam table and grabs my arm tightly. “Let’s grab some lunch and talk about baby names.”

“Lunch, you gained a lot of weight. I don’t think you should be eating, but since you need to feed your daughter, I will let you order a salad.” He says, and I get teary-eyed at him putting down my weight. “Stop your fucking blubbering, and let’s get the fuck out of here.” I go to the front desk, and he leaves the office and waits outside for me.

“Are you okay?” Monica, the receptionist, asks. I do something that has now become second nature. I. Lie.

“Yes, of course, I’m just so emotional, and seeing our daughter makes it so real,” I say, getting emotional.

“Aww, a baby girl, how sweet. Here is the copy of your ultrasound, and we’ll see you in four weeks.”

*********

I look at myself in my floor-length mirror. And I’m in my silk robe, holding my baby bump and smiling down at it. I look at my face and see another black eye, and I cry and caress my baby bump.

“My love, I’m so sorry that I stayed, and you’ll be born into this craziness. Maybe he will change once you're born. I see small glimpses of the man I fell in love with when he feels you move in my belly,” I say to my belly, and my baby girl kicks rapid fire inside of me, making me cry and laugh simultaneously. “Hi, little one.” I rub my belly and smile until the bedroom door opens, and Tony stands there with beer in his hands.

“Damn, you’re fucking huge. I hope you lose that fucking weight.” He laughs; clearly, he’s buzzed. “Your mom said she will get you in half an hour for the ladies' event at the church. You have too much fucking makeup on you looking a fucking hooker.” He knows exactly why I have to wear this much makeup to cover all my bruises.

I put on my dress and shoes, went into the living room, and waited for Mama. I didn’t want to go because I was exhausted. I hear a car horn sound, and I grab my purse and get into Mama’s car. The ladies event will be held at a community center because they are remodeling our fellowship room at our church. Tony is leading the remodel with other men from the church. We pull into the community center's driveway, and there are so many cars. I get out of the car and walk slowly with Mama to the main entrance.

“Mija, I think you will have that baby sooner than you think. You look like your pansa has dropped a lot.”

“I’m so tired, Mami. If she comes tomorrow, I’ll be happy.” I laugh.

“You look beautiful, pregnant Mija,” she says. She opens the double doors into the room we will be in. I see a bunch of pink balloons everywhere, and I look at Mama.

“Surprise!” All the ladies shout. I’m in total shock, looking around at everything—a baby shower for me and baby girl.

“Oh, my goodness!” I say through tears. I turn and look around at everyone in attendance, and I ugly cry when I see Lori and Ximena, who I haven’t seen in over seven months. Tony has alienated me from everyone, including my family. They run over to me and hug me tightly, and I cry when they do this, and I freeze because of my makeup. I hear them both gasp, and I pull away slightly.

“What the fuck, Vale’,” They both say through their teeth.

“It’s not what you think. We were putting together some baby furniture, and I ran right into his elbow when he was hammering something. It was an accident. I promise.”

“Mmmhmm, is this why haven’t you spoken to us in months?” Lori says.

“Of course not. I’m trying to find my footing in my marriage, and getting pregnant wasn’t in the cards, but it happened. I promise nothing bad is happening.”

“Okay, I believe you, but please don’t lock us out, babe,” Ximena says. “You’re our sister, and we love you. And we love you too, baby.” She says, touching my belly. “Come on, let's get some tacos and celebrate you.”

After touching up my makeup, I go around and chat with all the ladies in attendance. I’m grateful for every one of them. I eat so much because I don’t have anyone commenting about what I’m eating. We play so many fun games, and I love it. I have laughed so much today, and I haven’t been doing much laughing recently. I see Mama arranging the gift area with a beautiful rocking chair glider in the middle. I’m led to the glider and sat down, which makes me laugh. My besties are so bossy. They sit near me. One will write down the gifts and who gifted them, and the other will pass the gifts to me. Another chair is placed next to the glider, and I look up to see Tony and Papi walking into the room. He sees who is sitting next to me, and I see a flair of rage flicker to his eyes and then see when his mask slips into place, and he smiles.

“Buenas tardes a todos,” he says with his fake megawatt smile. “Hola, mi amor,” he says with the fakest voice.

“Hi, my love,” I say. He looks over at Ximena and Lori.

“Ladies,” his voice is friendly, but it’s icy. They smile at him, but their smiles are tight.

“Beso, beso,” Papi yells out. I laugh nervously. Tony bends down and kisses me harder than I would have hoped in front of these people.

It takes over an hour to open all the gifts that baby girl was blessed with. The last gift is a large box from Mama and Papi. I open the box; it is a beautifully crocheted blanket, sweater, and dress. I haven’t shared baby girl’s name with anyone but Mama and Papi; her name is on the blanket, and I show her name to everyone today. My best friends gasp at her name, and I look at them with a shut the fuck up look. Tony, let me pick my daughter’s name. So I did. Her name is Roxanne Elizabeth.

As Tony and Papi loaded our truck, Ximena and Lori ran up, and I braced myself with all the questions that were about to come. I hold up my hands in mock surrender.

“Roxanne?” they both squeal out. “Does he know what that means to you?”

“It doesn’t mean anything. I have always loved that name,” I say.

“I feel like you never stopped loving Juan, and this name is something that tethered you to him.”

“Stop reading into it.” I laugh.

“Are you ready to leave, Mi Amor?” Tony asks. His fake voice is making me feel nervous.

“Yes, love. I’m so tired.” I go around and say goodbye to everyone. I hug Ximena and Lori because I don’t know when I will be able to see them again. We get into the truck, and I see the Tony I have known behind closed doors. “I’m sorry.”

“Your mama invited them even after I told her not to.” He snarls. “I told her they cause problems in my marriage, and she still didn’t listen. When we get home, we are fucking, and I don’t want to hear another word about it.”

True to his word, he fucks me, fast and hard. I don’t enjoy or get pleasure from it. It always has been about him. As soon as he finishes, he rolls off of me and falls asleep, and that’s how it always is. I get up to use the bathroom, and I feel a popping sensation as I pee. I stand up, feel a gush of water, and look down; the water is murky. From what I read, this is not a good sign. A sharp pain hit me and took me down to my knees.

“Tony,” I scream. I get nothing from him, I try to stand up, and the pain comes again. “Tony!” I eventually had to crawl into our bedroom. I get to the bed and grab his arm. “Tony!”

“Bitch, what the fuck did I tell you about walking me up?” He says, pushing me off of him.

“Tony, the baby,” I cry out with more pain.

“Fuck, okay. Cover that fucking bruise on your face, and I’ll get dressed and take you to the hospital.

I get the bruise covered and get dressed, but it takes me forever because I have to stop when the pain comes. It annoys Tony, but what can I do? He calls Mama and tells her I’m in labor and will call her once we get to the hospital. He drives like a bat out of hell to get me there, and I think this baby will come faster than I thought. Tony isn’t even trying to hold my hand and comfort me. I walk in without assistance, but when people are around, he rubs my back. I need to leave, but I’m so scared of what would happen if I did. I get brought back quickly and get hooked up to a machine to monitor the contractions.

“Wow, what happened to your legs, honey?” The nurse says.

“Our bed is one of those that raise up and down, and the bedframe itself is metal because I’m short and hit my legs on it daily,” I say. A whole fucking lie.

“Short girl problems, “ Tony laughs his fake laugh.

“Ouch, poor thing,” She looks at the monitor, and the smile on her face falls. “Let me grab the doctor.”

“What’s wrong?” I say, getting scared.

“I’m not sure, honey, it could be nothing, but I want to make sure.” She leaves, and I start to cry. Tony is across the room and isn’t even trying to comfort me. The nurse comes back in with a doctor.

“Hi, Valentina. I’m Dr. Sanchez.” He says. “It looks like the baby is having trouble, so we must do a C-Section immediately. My surgical team will prep you, and we will get this baby out.” Everything happens in a blur, and I hear the tiniest of cries in a sterile surgical room. “It’s a girl! Little girl, you’re too young to accessorize.” Dr. Sanchez chuckles. “Mama, Daddy, she had the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck. She is being checked now by the Neonatal doctor. Daddy, you can see her while I finish up with Mama.” Tony doesn’t move from next to me.

“Tony, please go see her,” I say. He looks at me and nods. I know he wants nothing to do with her. He returns with a bundle in his arms and looks at her in awe.

“She’s beautiful, baby,” He says, getting emotional. Finally, he’s changing, I think to myself. “You’ll never take her from me if you know what’s good for you.” He kisses my forehead and places our baby on my chest. I look at her and cry; she’s the best thing in my life. I will do anything for her. “You did good, Valentina.” He says, and I’m shocked because he’s always putting me down.

“Thank you, babe. This is the next chapter for both of us. She is fearfully and wonderfully made.” He puts his head on my shoulder and stares at our daughter.

***********

Three days later, I’m released from the hospital, and Tony has been doting on the both of us. I see a slight change in him, but I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have trouble going from sitting to standing due to my C-section incision. I’m not going to lie; I’m in insane pain.

“My friend wants to take me to celebrate,” Tony says. I look at him and nod. “I’ll get you and Roxie in the house, and he said he would pick me up.”

“As long as you give me everything I need at arm's length, I will be okay,” I say. We pull up in front of our house, and he helps me out and takes the car seat out. As he is helping me into our house, a car pulls into the driveway. I turn around and look, and I see the driver. I have seen him before, but I can’t recall where. I think it may be he is one of his construction friends. He helps me get to the bathroom and holds Roxie in his arms, looking down at her adoringly. I finish up, and he helps me onto the bed. He hands me Roxie, goes into the kitchen to fill up my giant water bottle, and brings me snacks, apples, and cheese on a plate. “Thank you, Tony. Will you be out late?”

“Don’t worry about what I do.” He says. Just like that, he is back to the Tony I know. I sleep when Roxie sleeps, and when she wakes up, I change her diaper, feed her, and put her back in her bassinet. I get up to use the bathroom and grab another snack, and I look at the clock, and it’s two in the morning. I struggle to get back in bed, but I do, and once I’m settled, I hear the door opening, and it’s Tony. He’s drunk. He falls face down on the bed, and he passes out. Two hours later, Roxie wakes crying, and it takes me a little longer to get to her due to my pain. She is livid; her face is so red from crying.

“Shut that fucking kid up!” Tony yells, causing her to startle and cry more. I’m standing, trying to soothe my daughter. “Did you not hear me? I said shut her the fuck up! NOW.” He jumps up from the bed, and I grip Roxie tightly. I’m scared, so scared.

Everything fades to black.

*********

My eyes flew open, and the bright lights hurt my eyes. I close them again, Only to open them again quickly. Where am I? Where is Roxie? I start to scream and cry. Someone is over me, and I put my arm up in a protective way.

“Shhhhh, Mija, Shhhhh,” I cry when I recognize the voice. It’s Papi.

“Mi Hija, My baby,” I cry. “Where am I?”

“Mija, you’re in the hospital. The baby is in the NICU. She’s being monitored because she hit her head. So far, she is doing well. They had to cut your C-section again because the stitches were busted. I thought I lost you, Mija. Why didn’t you tell me he was beating you?”

“Papi, I told Mami, and she told me not to tell you and that what happened in our house was our business.”

“Wait, your Mama knew? No me digas.”

“I told her the first time it happened, and I went looking for you, but you were not home, and she told me not to tell you or my brothers.”

“Aye, hija, I’m so sorry for not paying better attention. This is my fault because I introduced you to him.”

“Papi, he had us all tricked that he was a good person. I should have listened to Lori and Ximena when they said something about him was weird. I lost an amazing guy to be with the devil himself. How did I get here?”

“The neighbors heard you screaming, so they called the police, and the sirens came near. They saw him run out of the house, jump into his truck, and take off. The neighbors know you’re my daughter, and when the ambulance took you, they came running to the house and let me and Mami know.”

“He got away?” I say, crying. He nods with tears in his eyes. “He’s going to kill me, Papi.”

“No, he won’t. I wanted to talk to you. A domestic violence counselor here said she can get you and Roxie into a safe house far away from here.”

“I have to leave you? What if he comes to the hospital?”

“I need you and my nieta safe, and I will do anything to keep you away from him. There is a security guard at your door and in the NICU.” The door opens, a nurse pushes a bassinet into the room, and Mama follows her. “Mujer, you and I need to talk seriously when we get home; Estoy bien enojado contigo. Very mad.” He says to Mama. She nods.

“Please forgive me, hija,” Mama says, crying, and I nod. I’m not ready to talk to her just yet. He hands me my baby girl. I kiss my baby tenderly and cry over her.

“Baby, girl, I will do everything to keep you safe. I want to protect you for the rest of my life.”

The counselor came in and explained that she has safe houses that they trust and they will protect me around the clock. Roxie and I are discharged a few hours later, and I say my goodbyes to my family and besties. I’m sad to leave them but relieved to be away from Tony. My brothers went to the house to get everything I needed for Roxie and myself. I was worried that Tony would be in there, but they went in strapped with guns in case. I was able to pump a ton of breast milk for the ride to wherever we were going. They didn’t tell me for my safety and said they would let me know once I arrived. The ride was long, but luckily, Roxie slept most of the way there. We finally pull down a dirt road and see different houses and a massive garage with cars and motorcycles in front of it. We pull in front of the garage, and a woman and a giant man are out front waiting to greet me. The woman instantly hugs me, and the man helps take Roxie out of the back of the car. A truck pulls up, and a guy comes and takes all of our things out of the car and places them in the truck's bed.

“Do you mind if I take her out of the car seat?” The man asks. I nod, and he takes her out, holds her close, and smells her head. “I love the smell of newborn babies. I can smell them all day.” He is so huge that Roxie looks so teeny tiny in his hands. “Let me introduce you to your housemate. He’s in here.” He points into the garage.

“He?” I ask as the woman slowly guides me into the garage because I’m still in pain.

“Yup, we need to protect you, and he’s my best guy to do the job. He’s a good guy. Johnny-Boy, where are you?” I see two legs sticking out from the bottom of an old-school car. It’s a beautiful car.

“I’ll be right out, “ the legs chime from underneath the car. “Pop’s stop letting Roy-Lee fix Mustangs. He fucked this one up again.” He pushes himself out.

“Watch your mouth Mijo. There are ladies here.” He admonishes him. The guy takes a towel and wipes his hands. I want to introduce you to your housemate.”

Sorry about that.” He says with his back still turned. Roxie begins to cry. I turn to the big man, and he waves me away. He looks at the man, “Dang Pop’s, that baby looks so tiny in your arms.”

“I know she’s so small, Johnny-Boy, this is,” he starts. I look up and see the guy, and I burst into tears as I stare into the face of Juan, my Max.

All I hear is my name fall from his lips.

Chapter 11

Juan

I look at Valentina and notice her face is badly beaten, and I’m so mad that I make it over to her in one giant step. I grab her chin to better look at her face, and the baby cries out again. I look over at the baby and notice a scratch on her face. The baby must only be a week old, sending me into a rage I have never felt in my entire life.

“Who the fuck did this to you?” I yell. I instantly regret yelling because Dom looks at me like he’ll beat my ass. Valentina is sobbing uncontrollably now. “Was it your husband?” She looks to the ground and nods. I back away from her and feel so angry and sad. She left me for someone who would beat her. I would never do that. The anger got the best of me, and I punched the wall. “I need to go and get Zoe.” I go into the doorway that leads to my house and slam the door, and the glass shatters. “FUCK.” I scream. I hear footsteps coming fast behind me.

“Hijo, talk to me,” Dom says. His words are my undoing, and I collapse in his arms and wail. “Oh, hijo, I’m so sorry. You never got a chance to come to terms with what happened between you.”

“She fucking broke me, Pops. If not for my daughter, I would’ve checked out of this world long ago.”

“Aye, hijo, don’t say that. Never say that. You’re my son, Juan. I know not by blood, but you’re my son nonetheless! I wouldn’t get over losing you, son.”

“Pops, you and Mama Ari are my only family, and I would never do that to you guys or my baby. It’s so hard. I want to hate Valentina, but I’m so pissed she is going through this. She left me for someone that’s a piece of shit.”

“Go get baby girl, take her to get some dinner, and take the time to cool down. Imagine what Valentina must be going through, too.” He says, hugging me. I nod, and I smile because he smells like baby powder.

“You smell like baby powder,” I say with a sniffle.

“It’s the best smell in the world.”

I pick up Zoe from her classroom, and she runs up to me, hugging my legs. That action makes everything right. A hand touches my back, and I turn around, and Carolina stands there with a smile.

“Come over tonight? The girls can have a sleep-over,” she says, biting her lip. I’m not feeling her, nor do I want to have a repeat of our first date.

“Sorry, I can’t. Thanks for the invitation, though,” I say. I need to get this over with. “Listen, Carolina, I think you’re great, but I’m not in a place to start anything with anyone.”

“Well, you know where to find me if you need a release, if you get what I mean,” she whispers. She is a fucking nutter. I pick up Zoe, take her to my car, and put her in her car seat.

“Baby girl, you want to go to Pizza Pirate?” I ask. Knowing full well that she loves that place. It has games and rides that are tailored for toddlers.” A high-pitched screech is my answer.

“I pizza!”

“Okay, okay, don’t scream so loud.” I laugh. I let Zoe eat pizza, drink soda, which is usually a no-go for me, and run off her energy. I want to be able to get her home and to bed. I get her in the car, and it’s already late. “We need to brush teeth and read one book and night night time.”

“Papi, Tv,” she says with a yawn.

“No, honey, tomorrow you can watch TV,” I say. She starts to cry as we pull into the driveway. “If you cry we won’t have time for a book.” She stops crying instantly. That’s what I thought. My phone chimes a text message.

Mama Ari: Mijo, Valentina had a fever earlier. I know this may be a big ask, but can you keep an eye?

Me: What do I need to do?

Mama Ari: You shouldn’t have to do anything in case she needs help. She had a c-section and had to have her sutures sutured again because they were split open.

Me: Damn, she’s been through a lot, huh?

Mama Ari: She sure has. She is breastfeeding, but it's in the freezer if she asks you for extra milk. Put the package in warm water and let it thaw. Like I said, she may not need help.

Me: Okay, I hope she doesn’t need help. I have no idea about newborns.

Mama Ari: you’ll be fine, Mijo.

I carry Zoe into the house, take her into the bathroom, and start our bedtime routine. She tries to give me a dress for pajamas, and I take her back and pick out a frozen nightgown. I sit her on the sofa and grab a book from the bookshelf. I hand it to her and run to the kitchen. I open the freezer and see little flat packets that are slightly yellow. I grab a mug of hot water and put it on the counter, and I place the pack in the water in case. As we are reading Zoe’s book, I hear a faint cry. Zoe’s ears perk up, and she puts up a finger as if to say listen to that.

“What that? Cwying?” She asks

“Yeah, a baby is crying. Let’s finish our book, okay.” I start reading again, and the crying gets louder and louder. I said no TV, but I need to check on Valentina and her baby. I turn on the TV and put on Mickey Mouse. “Zoe, stay right there and watch Mickey.” I knock on the door and get no answer. I open the door and see Valentina sleeping. “Valentina?” I say, touching her arm. She is in such a deep sleep that I know it’s best to let her sleep. I go over to the bassinet, and the baby’s face is bright red from crying. “Shhh, sweetpea, I pick her up and notice she is wet from head to toe. I look around and find diapers, wipes, and new clothes. I take her out to the living room, and Zoe is dancing to whatever song Mickey is singing, and she stops mid-dance.

“Baby,” She screeches. She runs over to me,

“Shhh, Zoe,” I admonish her, and she starts to cry. “Come here,” I say, sitting on the couch and laying down the baby. I pull Zoe into an embrace. I kiss her head. “I’m sorry honey, we need to be quiet, okay.” She watches as I remove the baby’s clothes and change her as fast as possible. The baby is still crying. I pick her up and walk her into the kitchen to see if her milk is thawed. Thank god it is. I find a tiny bottle on the counter and fill it up.

“I leche too,” Zoe says.

“You can’t drink this leche, baby. It’s special for the baby. Go watch your show, and I will bring you chocolate lechita.” I am proud of myself because I do all of this one-handed. I take the baby, the bottle, and Zoe’s sippy cup to the couch. I had Zoe her cup and sit down. “Okay, sweetpea, let’s get you fed.” She guzzles her bottle down, and as I burp her, she pukes on me. I take off my shirt and put her on my chest, where she is now sleeping peacefully. Zoe snuggles up, too, and I put my arm around my daughter. They are both sleeping, and I look down at Valentina’s daughter and kiss her tiny head. The lump in the throat is massive.

Tears fall when this thought comes into my head. This tiny baby should have been my baby.

Chapter 12

Valentina

I wake with a start; the sunlight is coming through the window, and I sit up fast, causing me to wince in pain. I look toward the bassinet, and it’s empty, causing me to panic. Roxanne, where is she? I hear voices in the living room and a faint crying. I go towards the door, open it slowly, and peek out. What I see causes tears to fall down my face. Juan, with Roxanne on his bare chest and a little girl, snuggled into his side, drinking from a sippy cup. He’s smiling down at the little girl. He looks up and sees me, and his smile vanishes.

“Good morning,” I say in a quiet voice. “Thank you for taking care of Roxanne for me. I was out of it.” His eyes go wide as I say my daughter’s name.

“You named her Roxanne?” he asks, standing up.

“I did. Hi there, little one. What’s your name?” I say to the little girl who has taken interest in me.

“I, Zoe,” she says. She is beautiful. She has dark skin but green eyes that pop.

“How old are you?” she tries to put up 2 fingers,

“I four,”

“You’re not four. She will be three in a few weeks.” Juan says. “She’s my daughter, and I found out about her when I was in prison. Her mama passed away in a car crash. That’s why I was able to get out early.”

“I’m glad she has you. When did you get released?”

“The day you got married.” He says as he hands over Roxie to me. “I think she may be ready to eat again.”

“Juan, I’m so sorry.” I start, and he puts up his hand to stop me.

“I was so fucking hurt by you, Valentina. I was thrown away like a piece of fucking trash,”

“Oh, Papi, bad boy.”

“Sorry, baby girl, let's get you a shower and ready for school.”

“No ‘kool Papi, I stay with the baby.”

“No, you need to go to school,” I say.

“Don’t you want to have fun with your friends, sweet girl?” I say with a smile. She nods. “Your Papi needs to get you ready so you can have fun with your friends. Juan what time does school start?

“In about an hour, but I have to make sure she eats before we go. Do you need anything before I start getting her ready?”

“Can you bring the bassinet out here? If it’s okay, I’d like to watch some TV.” I say.

“Sure,” he says, going into my room. “Here you go.”

“Thank you,” I say. I sit on the couch and begin nursing my daughter, and she guzzles her milk down fast. I burp her, and she falls asleep quickly. I lay her in her bassinet and turn on the white noise machine. “Be good for Mama for at least half an hour, my love.”

I go into the kitchen but walk slowly because my stitches are still painful. Mrs. Ariana said she bought some groceries, and I gave her a list of some things I wanted. I pull out everything I need and start to make breakfast. It’s my happy place. I make breakfast burritos, spicy for Juan and non-spicy for me and Zoe. They had eggs, potatoes, and sausage in them. I start the coffee and pour juice into a sippy cup. Juan’s bedroom door opens as Roxie starts to fuss. He picks her up and kisses her head.

“What smells so good in here?” He asks, and he sees me setting the breakfast bar. “Valentina! What are you doing? You should be resting.”

“I wanted to do something nice for you for helping me out. You could have said no fuck that bitch, but you didn’t.”

to be continued.......