#Wow that was a lot heavier than I intended lol

[thatuselesshuman]

Warning! Personal shit ahead (aka: the stuff I usually never post lol)

So, ik I never usually post any of my personal struggles or anything (mostly because I like to keep my blog lighthearted), but I've decided to share this in the case that my ranting and irrationality may resonate with someone.

Aside from the occasional mention of my many illnesses, I never share anything mental health wise. Apart from it being because of the previously mentioned lightheartedness, it's also because I often feel unworthy of feeling off. I feel fine most of the time. I'm a generally happy person, and I don't really have a mental illness or anything, so I tend to feel like any sympathy or pity would be unwarranted because my life is great. People have gone through terrible things, and I haven't, so it makes me feel icky when people spend 'unworthy' sympathy on me.

Anyways, that's not really what I wanted to talk about in this post lol. All that was to say, I don't really have any mental health issues. I'm not depressed, I don't struggle with anxiety, etc. But one thing I do struggle with is loneliness. The feeling that, even in a room full of people, I could disappear and no one would notice. That no one really wants me around. That they're all perfectly happy while hanging out with other people, and that I should just move on.

I know, logically, that I have friends and that they truly do want me around, but logic has very little room in your mind when you see a big group having the time of their lives and your off to the side, alone. It has very little room when you're curled up in bed, unable to sleep, and your mind is dead set on making you feel achingly empty. It has very little room when people who you thought cared about you in the same way that you cared about them seem to find any excuse to hang out with their 'better friends.' It has no room when your loyalty isn't reciprocated.

I'm an extrovert and highly loyal by default, and that's a deadly combination when you also experienced crushing FOMO as a result. I can't survive without people, and it hurts when people can survive without me. It hurts when I know that, no matter how loyal I am to a friend, they aren't obliged to be the same. Everyone is different, and some people just aren't like that. It's okay, it's natural to have different levels of friends, and someone I consider a best friend could see me as the second option. That's just how life works, and it's okay. It just doesn't feel okay when they leave me crying at night behind sunglasses in a café because, despite telling me that they would hang out with me, they found a guy that they want to date and they just can't pass up the opportunity.

I hate being alone because that's when my thoughts have the time and the way to tell me that they can live without me. I hate being alone because the words my mind whisper in my ear aren't even entirely false.

[sylvie-writes]

So Confused

word count: 1433

pairing: dad!steve rogers x wife!reader x sarah rogers

summary: steve and sarah get you a gift yet your husband is a bit confused as to what it is.

a/n: this is a birthday gift to myself hehe. i meant to get this out earlier but life happened lol.

please excuse mistakes this was written on mobile. the writing is very straight forward because i am tireddd.

For days on end Steve had been on mission. Not one for the Avengers, but rather for personal reasons per se. He was on the hunt for the perfect birthday gift for you. In the past he had always had no trouble but that was during the honeymoon phase and felt it was about time to step up his game, ever since your daughter had been born, that is. This year he has absolutely no clue what to get, but luckily he could enlist the help of his mini me who had the perfect gift in mind.

The two of them had snuck out this morning while you were still sleeping. Unfortunately they had to wait until the day of your birthday to get your gift because in the past you’ve had a knack for unintentionally finding the hidden presents.

-

“Are you sure this is it, little doll?” Steve and Sarah were standing in the middle of the home appliance store looking thoroughly confused by a cardboard box. The man’s hands were on his hips while his daughter mimicked the action.

“I’m sure, Daddy!” Sarah went to go wrap her arms around the large box since it was at her level, but it was heavier than she had intended it to be and instead looked up to her dad for help. He easily scooped it up as if it were a piece of paper.

“Well, if you are sure this is it, what is it for?” In one hand Steve held the white and green cardboard box and rested it against his waist while the other hand held Sarah’s hand to keep her close. As they walked to the checkout line, Steve’s eyes scanned over the big bold letters on the box that read “Roomba.”

“Silly Daddy! It’s a rowbot vacooooom.” The smaller blonde giggled at her dad’s confused face and he moved his gaze to look down at her with a goofy smile.

“Next!” The cashier called them next in line and Sarah broke away from her dad to run up to the lady and greeted her while Steve followed suit.

Mumbling under his breath he picked up his pace, “Wow, times really are changing.”

-

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOMMY!” Two lovely voices awoke you and a little girl jumped on the bed to snuggle up as a larger man sat beside you on the edge.

You greeted them both in return with a kiss to their cheeks before Sarah was readily sitting criss cross in your lap. Her tiny hand gave you a white envelope that had been colored in almost every color crayon you can imagine. In the child’s best handwriting, written in squiggly letters was your name along with a disproportionate heart that made you giggle. It was the kind of artwork that a parent valued because it was their child’s and not since it looked like Davinci’s art, heavens knew it was anything but that.

Opening the card made your heart melt as you read the wording in the card, ones in Steve’s expert cursive but Sarah’s own words. Steve’s handwriting was so elegant and old fashioned. You loved when he wrote anything for you, whether that be a note telling the dishes were clean or a letter he sent when off for work.

A tiny tear pricked at the corner of your eye for Sarah’s letter was so sweet and endearing, especially for such a young girl. You couldn’t have gotten a better kid. With much love, you pulled her into your arms and pressed messy kisses that tossed up her hair and made her laugh.

Next, Steve crawled into the bed a bit more when you scooted over for him. He handed you his own card that was, in fact, a letter written on fancy cream stationery with gold foil. It accented the jet black ink of the pen and the smooth strokes that came from Steve’s penmanship.

In his letter were words of appreciation to you for being the loving woman, wife and mother you were. You could tell it was straight from his heart. Steve was always so genuine and you loved him ever so for that.

Not even a second after you put the letter down and pecked Steve’s lips was Sarah excitedly clapping her hands.

“Momma! We got you a present!”

You cocked your head like an intrigued puppy.

“Oh really? What did you get, baby?”

She shook her head, “That’s not how it works, silly goose! Daddy has to get the gift and then you can open it!” Her words didn’t hold any malice or demand, just lots of excitement for giving a gift, that she knew was perfect, to her mom.

Steve quickly got up and returned in no time to your bedroom and placed a huge box wrapped in unicorn paper (Sarah’s doing) in your lap as your daughter had moved to the side.

She watched with much interest as you opened the paper slowly and your jaw dropped when you saw the box. Sarah was relieved to see your reaction.

Inside your box, it was a robot vacuum, something you had been dying to get as there was just not enough time to clean the house by yourself. Even with Steve and Sarah’s help, it was a constant struggle and this little device would help quite a bit.

You let out an excited squeal yourself, something that Sarah often did, and you launched yourself at Steve who was now standing at the bedside.

“Oh Steve! Thank you! I love you so much, I will literally have your babies. You surely know a way into my heart.” A million kisses were placed on his lips and he shook his head before you continued to shower him in affection. Actually, Steve was struggling really hard to not laugh and get the words of truth out.

“It wasn’t all me, sweetheart. It was really your daughter!”

You turned to your daughter and goofily ran over to her with open arms. Scooping her up off the bed you sound around with her in your arms.

Setting down Sarah, you returned back to Steve.

“You must think I’m so crazy, getting excited over a vacuum. God, I’m getting so old.” You made a sound of disgust towards the end and Steve laughed.

“If anyone in this house is old, it’s me. (Y/n) I don’t even know what this thing really does.” Steve widened his eyes for extra effect and you were shocked that he didn’t know. After all, he worked with technology far more advanced than this yet a cell phone could stomp him. He was such an old man and you never stopped teasing him about it. You were relentless with your jokes but Steve enjoyed them nonetheless.

“Oh, well, it’s a vacuum that goes around the house on its own. Y’a know so we don’t have to spend an hour every day doing it ourselves.”

He opened his mouth in awe while you both watched Sarah unpack the box.

“Ma would love this. I remember how bad she wanted a vacuum, just a simple one cost more than our grocery spendings.”

You intently listened to Steve’s short story of how his father had saved up to get his mom a vacuum for her birthday and you smiled at the irony of the recollection. Here their son was, doing almost the same thing for his own wife.

“Times have changed so much, darling, and I’m so glad I have you here to help,” Steve unwrapped his arm from your waist and instead turned to place his hands on your face.

“You are always so patient with me, I just love you so much.” With that, your husband kissed you slowly and for what seemed like minutes. That was until Sarah started to noisily take the styrofoam from that box that you both pulled away and turned to her.

She was awfully excited over the vacuum herself and you found it hilarious. Sarah caught you both glancing at her and waved you over to help with the styrofoam that was crumbling and looking like snow on the bedspread. No one wants to do laundry, let alone on their birthday so you both rushed over to prevent the mess from growing.

After setting up the device, you taught Steve how to work the vacuum from his cell phone, Sarah scrambled through a list of names and you found loads of entertainment in both of them. They were quite the pair and you were so glad to have them in your life, especially on your birthday

[withabackpackandcamera]

March 25th, 2017

Day 6: The Beginning of the Epic Inca Trek

Today was the beginning of my first multi-day trek and the beginning of quite an adventure in Inca Land!

The morning, as mentioned in my last post, started really early and essentially was just the end of night. I woke up pretty darn early so that I could make sure I packed and put away everything that I needed and didn’t need and that I would have enough time to make it to the bus stop and not miss the bus.

And the first mission was a success. Even though I was early, everyone else was a tad earlier. Once we were all on the bus and the guides were on as well, we started our morning drive over to Ollantaytambo. Most of the drive was just a nap to get as much rest in as possible before the day’s hike. When we arrived in Ollantaytambo, we drove right to our breakfast spot for the morning and had a nice little breakfast consisting of ham, cheese, fruits, scrambled eggs, and pancakes with juice. At this point, everyone in the group was slowly introducing themselves to the people sitting in their respective vicinities. And thus began our group friendship!

After breakfast, we drove a little further into and/or past town toward the starting point for the renowned Inca Trail. Once the bus stopped, we all got off to a roaring round of applause from our porters haha. It was quite funny because it felt as if we had just finished our hike! What an accomplishment to get such a strong round of applause even before we start our hike! Anyhow, after feeling pumped, everyone rationed snacks, sleeping bags and sleeping pads, and walking sticks. I didn’t realize how much more weight the sleeping bag and mats would be on my back but definitely felt it when I attached everything to the pack I was carrying. At this point, I was kind of worried about how heavy my bag was at the beginning of the hike. But with nothing that I could really do at this point, I strapped everything up and was ready to go.

Once we were all ready, our Llama Path guides, Maro and Michael Kennedy started us on our way. Right out of the gate, we got to the Inca Trail sign and took a commemorative group photo! First of many photos! And once we all got pass passport check (Daniel from Canada had some slight issues but thank goodness he got through no problems) and crossed over the river, that’s when the real hiking started.

The weather on this first day was beautiful and warm-cool to begin with. The view at the beginning was spectacular, with views of the mountains all around and the river winding through the valley between the mountains. And wow, just an amazing place to be hiking in! A totally different scene from the ones I’ve been used to seeing in Colorado but one that was refreshingly beautiful.

The hike started off pretty flat but with some ups and downs. I was feeling pretty good at the start so I was pretty comfortable leading the pack over the flat terrain with my pack on my back. However, as the hike went out and the ups and downs became more constant, I could definitely feel that I was slowing down a bit and that my pack definitely felt heavier than I remembered it being. And as we continued to hike, it became heavier… and heavier… and heavier. Sighs. But I kept on chugging along. Once we had hiked for a bit, we finally reached out the viewpoint for the first Inca ruins of the trek. There, we learned about Llaqtapata, the ruin on the hillside below, and the history behind the ruins there and the history of the founding of Machu Picchu by some American professor back in the day.

After a bit of explaining and some time for photos, we were back at it, this time working our way downhill before eventually starting our way back uphill. We hiked and hiked and eventually, we made it to our halfway point for the day for lunch. The lunch spot was like a little hut or something along the way where the porters had set up shop for cooking for meal preparations. Once we were all at the meeting spot, we hung out and chatted with each other for a bit before starting lunch. It took a bit of time for the porters and chef to get everything ready because I think we were walking a little faster than they had expected. Oops.

But the wait was worth it. Once lunch was served, wow! We had a great lunch of chicken ceviche, chicken noodle soup, rice, trout, veggie delight, avocado, and potatoes! What a luxury, especially while hiking in the middle of nowhere! And because the food was so good, we ate a ton and were so full after lunch. But unfortunately, we could not sit and think about how full we were for very long because it was time for the second half of the day’s hike. And it’s always a little difficult to get started again after a long break and tons of eating.

After lunch, the hike was actually pretty difficult with lots of uphill hiking. And at this point, the weather took a turn for the slightly worse with the rain starting to come down pretty constantly. And with the ground being wet, the hike became a little trickier than it had been up to this point. But we continued on climbing up with the intermittent rain and before we knew it, we were at the campsite for the evening! And we were pretty early too! We were going at a blistering pace and by the time that most of us had gotten to the campsite, the porters had just arrived as well and were only just finishing with tent set-ups and starting to prep dinner. We were going at a blistering pace. Got to all the stopping points before porters were even ready for us. So with food still being prepped, we all just hung out, got comfy, and enjoyed each other’s company while getting to know one another a bit better. And to summarize the things we had learned about each other throughout the day:

- There were 4 total MD/med students in our group. Benedict from Hong Kong was a medical student finishing up and interested in Anesthesiology. Then there was Daniel, the Canadian first-year general surgery resident. Next was Pratyusha, a general practitioner from England. And then there was me.

- Benedict and Beatrice: A couple from Hong Kong who went to UPenn for undergraduate. Benedict is a medical student and Beatrice is an investment banker for Barclays.

- Daniel and Danielle. A couple from Canada who were high school sweethearts. Daniel is a surgery resident and Danielle is a pediatric medicine nurse.

- Pratyusha and Fraser. Pratyusha is the GP from England and her husband Fraser is an economist who is originally from Scotland.

- Tim. A solo traveler from Amsterdam who is Assistant Professor in Statistics at the University of Amsterdam.

- Sarah, Noel, and Karina. The group from Germany. Sarah and Noel are brother and sister. Sarah works in procurement and is currently in South America traveling and will be going to do some social work in Ecuador. Noel is a young kid in school with a Physics major but interested in switching majors to Aeronautics. And Karina is quiet.

- Christophe and Ana. Two Polish folks who were also pretty quiet. But both who work in IT of some sort

- Jakob and Kathrine. Two Danish kids who just finished high school and are taking a gap year to travel the world before going back to school or work.

With friendships blossoming, it was finally time for happy hour, which was essentially tea time with popcorn and crackers. And my drink of choice was Milo hot chocolate! Yum! And without much announcement, dinner started right after happy hour lol. We were not ready for that since we were just chowing down everything and were pretty full at the start of dinner. But we ate anyways. Dinner was veggie soup, rice, chicken, potatoes, and spinach quiche. And wow, we even had dessert, something called gorilla fingers, which was essentially bananas cooked in some type of alcohol. What another fabulous meal.

With dinner done and no pastimes available to pass the time (no one brought cards because we all thought it would be unnecessary weight), we all cleaned up in the darkness and the makeshift bathrooms before heading to our tents for the night. And my tentmate for the trip: young Noel from Germany.

Whew, what a start to the Inca trail! Some rainy weather but lots of warm sunshine, great food, great company, and tons of walking! We’ll see how I feel in the morning!

5 Things I Learned Today:

1. Traffic exists at 4:30am in Cusco. Whaa……

2. The term “cholo”is a derogatory term used for the people of the Andes. Don’t call them that!

3. According to our guides, only about 20% of Machu Picchu is visible because of all the dense trees and forests that have grown over the area since ancient times. Also Machu Picchu was actually found by accident by an American professor who was intending on finding the last Inca City of El Dorado. And based on what was told, only about 5% of people in ancient Inca times knew the Inca Trail to Machu Picchu. Supposedly, Machu Picchu was a site for the wise, people specializing in things like medicine and astronomy.

4. The condor, jaguar, and snake are the three god animals of the different worlds for the Incas.

5. The “Inca (Squat) Toilets” are actually nicer than the ones I remember in Vietnam back in 2002! These ones are actually made of porcelain with a hole like a toilet bowl, not just some tube to poop in. Also, you can flush with water! Whoaaaaaaaa.