#Wouldn’t be a post written at 1am without a wall of tags

[artemx746]

Richard Fucking Riordan: And this is the Hunters of Artemis; it’s a group that doesn’t have any romance at all! It’s only for girls though!

Me as an 11yo who was very unsure about their gender Identity but definitely knew that I really did not want to date:

[greenlikethesea]

WIP word search

thanks @riality-check for the tag! my words are: decide, peace, follow, door, and proud

door, from an untitled fair ithilien WIP, about the relationship between Mike, El, and Will:

“You keep changing the goal posts, Will!” Mike shouts. There’s a thump on Will’s wall by the living room, no doubt a boot hurled as a warning from Mr. Rakowski next door. It’s a stark reminder that it is, indeed, a quarter to eight in the morning on a fucking Saturday. 

“I have no idea what you mean by that.”

“I do something, you’re angry. I don’t do something, you’re still angry. Which is it? I can’t guess how you feel! I can’t –”

“Read my mind,” Will finishes. “Yeah, it doesn’t take a genius to figure that one out, Mike.”

peace, from an epistolary WIP set in fair ithilien verse, primarily consisting of emails between Dustin and Max:

SUBJECT: Re: Two photos, one question

Darlingest,

Claire is the absolute coolest. I’m pretty sure I’m in love with her, which is frightening and not something I want to touch now that I’ve written it out, so don’t ask for elaboration. The only annoying thing about her is that she works nights right now, so coordinating plans with her can be tricky. But that means I can write this email to you in peace, and that also means that she’ll be wide awake when you see Accordion Man next month, thankfully without me.

follow, from an upcoming installment of the jargyle:

“Why don’t you fucking do it?” Will yelps, with that awful, sniveling tone that has crept in from years of embodying what Eddie has snidely called New York Will in their conversations whenever he’s come up. 

“I have been doing the laundry,” El says, with that jagged staccato leftover from her youth that still graces her vocal delivery every so often. “You have done nothing.”

“Oh sure, caring for our mother is doing nothing,” Will bites back.

“You do not care. You are an asshole.” Another crash, followed by a yell from Will – something expensive that belonged to him, no doubt.

proud, from a fair ithilien installment set during the one and only friendsgiving megan and steve host:

“Yeah, I thought so too,” Megan says. She sounds proud of herself. She should be, Eddie guesses, which is maybe a weird thought to have. He doesn’t know. “I’d really like it if you were there, Eddie. Steve would, too. It’s okay if you can’t come, but I really hope you can.”

It’s the earnestness of that statement that makes something in Eddie’s heart clench. 

“I’ll be there,” Eddie says. 

“Oh, that’s great, Eddie, thank you,” Megan says, immediately joyous. “Well, I should go, but it was really nice talking to you.”

decide, from a fair ithilien installment about drag:

With the way Eddie’s eyebrows shoot up, Steve knows it was the right thing to say. “You’ve worn a dress?”

“It was a King Steve classic,” Steve says, waving it off like he hasn’t just exposed part of his soul. “Brought it out at parties sometimes.”

“I went to a few parties at Chez Harrington and I think I would remember that,” Eddie says. His tone is��unreadable. Too steady, almost. Like he can’t decide how to approach this conversation.

Steve shrugs again, starts sorting through stuff again just to give his hands something to do. “Only happened when shit got really wild. Like, 1am shitfaced exclusive. Mom was never home, so I knew which dresses of hers I wouldn’t stretch out. ”

“No kidding,” Eddie says.

no pressure tags!: @sparklyslug, @the-barn-rat, @geddyqueer, and @r-o-s-e-f-i-r-e! your words are chance, hot, press, smirk, and lose.

[surlybobbies]

For the Love of the Game [deancas, 1.5k, T]

Summary:

“A tense moment on the field between good friends. Novak has taken Dean Winchester’s legs out from under him - did he get the ball? What do you think, Joe? Yellow card?”

“Looks like he just about got the ball to me. Fair challenge. Though judging by his reaction, it looks like Winchester doesn’t agree."

(Dean and Cas over the course of three years as players of opposing soccer teams.)

Author’s notes: written in the 90 minutes it took to watch a soccer game at 1am.  I’m a sucker for athlete Dean and Cas.

Read on ao3 or

“Of course, Winchester and Novak have known each other since they were kids.  Best friends, these two, off the pitch.  On the pitch, however, as I’m sure we’ll see today, is a different story.”

The loss is a difficult one to take; it means that Cas and his team are now on the bottom half of the league table, a position they haven’t been in for well over a decade.  

After the final whistle, Dean jogs to Cas, whose hands are clutching at his hair in disbelief.  Dean puts his hands around Cas’s face, forcing Cas to look at him.  “You okay?”

Cas closes his eyes and grits his teeth.  He’s probably thinking about the goal Dean had scored just 10 minutes before the final whistle, and how he’d been unable to prevent it.  “I will be.”

Dean sighs and pulls Cas in for a rough hug.  “I’ll tell mom you’re coming over this weekend.”

“How long is she in town?” 

“Just a week,” Dean says.  “She’ll want to see you.”

Cas shoves him away and scrubs his face with both hands.  “Just let me know.”

++

“Apparently they stay at each other’s bachelor pads over holidays.”

It’s been coming for years, but when Cas pulls Dean in for a kiss on Christmas, it’s still a surprise.  Dean takes a few moments to fully register what’s happening, that Cas is really finally kissing him, but once it sinks in, he is definitely on board with the developments, and he pushes Cas against the wall and starts to thoroughly enjoy himself.

A century later, Cas pulls away.  “This is unwise,” he says breathlessly.

Dean’s dizzy with Cas’s touch.  He touches Cas’s face because he can’t stand not touching him.  “You started it,” he says, all he can think of to say.

Cas frowns a little bit, but his nostrils flare with how hard he’s breathing.  “How I got here, kissing an absolute idiot, I have no idea.”

“You’ve also got a hand up my shirt,” Dean supplies unhelpfully, “if you wanted to get around to removing that.”

Cas arches an eyebrow, and Dean likes it.  “Do you want me to remove it?” Cas asks, leaning in again, dragging his hand down to Dean’s waistband at an agonizingly slow pace.

Dean’s hopeless - absolutely done for.  “Definitely not.”

“Good,” Cas growls, and Dean likes that a lot.

++

“Their rivalry seems to fuel their friendship - or is it the other way around?”

“Just to be clear, this doesn’t mean I’m going to take it easy on you this Saturday,”

Dean’s lounging, one hand behind his head, watching the progress of Cas’s lips down his chest with lidded eyes.  “Wouldn’t love you if you did.”

There’s a long pause.  Cas lifts his eyes to watch Dean’s expression, but it doesn’t waver.  The only sign of nerves is in the way his throat moves.  Cas acknowledges the word with a small smile and a lingering kiss to the center of Dean’s chest.  Later, he’ll murmur the word over and over and over into Dean’s hair, his hands on Dean’s ass, encouraging him, and Dean will swell and break with it.

++

“A tense moment between good friends.  Novak has taken Dean Winchester’s legs out from under him - did he get the ball?  What do you think, Joe?  Yellow card?”

“Looks like he just about got the ball to me.  Fair challenge.  Though it looks like Winchester doesn’t seem to agree.”

“Could have broken my leg, Cas,” Dean spits.

Cas is adjusting his shin pads.  He looks up at Dean.  “Hardly - it was a fair challenge.”

Dean gets up right in his face when Cas straightens.  Cas has seen this face in the throes of pleasure and he knows he’ll see it again; he lifts his chin and smirks, knowing how much Dean will hate it.  

“Also, ref begs to differ,” Cas says, winking.  “No foul.”

“Jesus, you’re a cocky bastard.”

“And you’re a shit striker.”

“You shouldn’t even be on the field with a challenge like that.”

Cas is getting back into position, walking backwards so he can throw one last remark at Dean: “You shouldn’t even be on the field with skills like that.”

Dean’s face turns red.  “What’d you just say?”

In the end the ref has to separate them; no cards are shown, but neither of them talk to the other for two weeks.

It goes without saying that the eventual make-up sex is fantastic.

++

“It’s Novak’s last game for the Angels - he’ll be officially retired at the end of these 90 minutes, aged 35.  Fitting that his greatest rival and friend should be on the pitch with him, albeit playing for the opposition.”

Cas is subbed at 87 minutes for his last ovation from the home crowd.  They adore him as he adores them, and Dean knows this last walk off the field has got to be an emotionally harrowing moment for Cas.

Dean hopes his fans won’t give him too much shit for what he does next: he pulls Cas in for a rough hug as Cas walks to the touchline to be subbed.  He doesn’t look Cas in the eye, and shoves him away before either of them do something stupid like cry.

++

“Back for the second half of the first game of the season, and Dean Winchester’s 37th minute goal is the only thing separating the two sides.

As most know, Winchester announced over the break that he and his best friend and former Angels player Cas Novak have been dating.  There’s been quite a bit of backlash, mostly from fans who think their relationship has swayed their performances over the years, but both Winchester’s manager and Novak’s former manager have laughed off that particular suggestion.  What do you think, Greg?”

“No, they’ve both been consummate professionals, haven’t they, over the years?  Obviously good friends - well, we know why now - but it never stopped either of them from giving it their all on the pitch.”

“They both loved the game too much to let anything affect it.”

It’s not fun, being the only player in the league out of the closet.  His teammates don’t treat him any differently, but Dean sometimes feels like he’s slowly being frozen out.

“It’s because you didn’t say anything to us.”

“What the hell was I supposed to say, Benny?  ‘I’m fucking a guy, and it’s Cas Novak’?”

Benny sighs.  “I don’t know, Dean.  They just want to know their captain’s being honest with them.  Sleeping with the opposition is pretty shady, alright?”

Dean hangs his head.  He understands.  He’s still pissed, still frustrated, but he makes up his mind.  He slams his locker to get everyone’s attention.  “Just figured you all would want to know,” he says loudly, a little angrily, “I’m asking Cas to marry me tonight.”

Stunned silence.  Dean stares them all down, daring any of them to say anything.  If he has to knock someone out for talking shit about Cas, he swears he’ll do it and damn the consequences.

But nothing happens.  Ash grins, scratching his neck.  “We’re invited to the wedding, right?”

The laughter that follows breaks the ice.  Dean tries and fails to stop himself from crying when they all come forward to congratulate him.

++

“Dean Winchester made history by marrying Cas Novak over the break.  It’s a great moment in sport, but he’s opened up in a recent interview regarding the homophobic abuse he and his husband have received.”

“A shame that.  The sport needs to do more to support their LGBTQ+ players.”

“Agreed.  But despite all that, Winchester says he’s proud to lead the way for others to come out in his wake.  Plus, his husband is here to watch his first game of the season, so that must make up for it somewhat.”

“He’s probably not happy to see Novak in Angel colors, though!”

“The rivalry lives on!”

“Who wants to bet that it’ll be a tense atmosphere in the Novak-Winchester home tonight?”

Cas is solemn as he greets Dean at the door of their home, but Dean scowls at him anyway.  “Don’t think I didn’t see you cheering when they scored.”

Cas looks a little abashed.  “They’re my friends, Dean.”

“I’m your husband.”

Cas hides his smile in Dean’s neck.  “And I love you.”  He wraps his arms around Dean so he can’t wriggle away.  “But I also love my team.  My fans would have rioted if I’d shown up in your jersey.”

Dean doesn’t bother arguing.  He played for the full 90, and the emotional toll of the loss is just now sinking in.  “I’m ready to go to bed,” he says, his voice raw.

“Alright,” Cas says, kissing Dean on the cheek.  “I’ll be there soon.”

Dean is half asleep when Cas walks in wearing Dean’s jersey and a pair of sweatpants - then Dean’s suddenly wide-awake and half-hard.

Cas gets under the covers and leans over Dean, smelling like shampoo and toothpaste.  “Good night,” he says cheerfully.

Dean stares at his husband, marveling at the audacity.  Finally, he says, “You’re such a jackass,” but diminishes the effect by pulling Cas in roughly by the front of the shirt and kissing him, much to Cas’s delight.

_____________ tag list:

@super-powerful-queen-slayyna @lifeisingrey @fangirlingtodeath513 @levicastho @dontlosethemoon @dmsilvisart @hello-vague-stuff @bold-sartorial-statement @snarkysnartes @massivefaceperson @dontlosethemoon @livebloggingmydescentintomadness @yourspecialeyes @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover​ @profoundnet

(if you’ve asked me to put you on the tag list and i haven’t I’M SO SORRY i was bombarded with a bunch of notifs and may have missed it… send me an ask - replies sometimes get buried esp if you don’t reply on the original post - and i’ll update the list!)

[dukedrakes]

Thank You

Pairing: Ethan Ramsey x MC (Lily)

Rating: PG-13, implied n*fw but nothing is explicitly said.

Words: 2.4K

Summary: Lily says thank you to Ethan.

It kinda bothered me that MC never thanked Ethan for bringing Mrs Martinez’s son to the hearing and ultimately contributed to having her reinstated at Edenbrook, so I decided to fix that.

Don’t forget to tell me what you think, Reblog and Like! Enjoy!

Find my other work here.

This work contains dialogue written by Pixelberry. I do not own that dialogue. All of it belongs to Pixelberry.

Taglist: @carreraleigh @emceesynonymroll @butindeed @beneath-the-ancient-sign @saivilo @ibldw-main @drakeswalkers @maxwellshippo @i-bloody-love-drake-walker @drakewalkerwhipped @cora-nova @nazariortega @katedrakeohd @ladyangel70 @drakesensworld @ccolz88-blog @i-miss-trr @lady-kato @nazario-sayeed

(I curated the tag list by adding people who wanted to be tagged + people who interacted with any of my posts of or about my fics and/or are mutuals/friends, so if you’d like to be added or removed, let me know!)

Dr. Lily Murphy froze with her mouth agape as she turned to look behind her. After having witnesses attest to her character and skill as a doctor as well as other senior physicians, Lily didn’t know if she could handle anymore. The man was short, middle-aged and seems to have a permanent expression of anguish on his face as he made his way down the stairs to the front of the auditorium.

“That’s Luis Martinez. The son of the woman you got killed. The one suing the hospital. You’re so toast it’s making me crave breakfast.” Declan Nash whispered over to her. Lily shrunk in her seat; she has a feeling this wouldn’t be good.

Lily barely registers as Luis asks if she’s the one who “did it”, referring to the action of administrating stolen medication that wasn’t guaranteed to work to his mother without approval.

“I am.” Lily said, trying her best not to make her voice waver.

She didn’t know what she was expecting, but it certainly wasn’t an embrace from the person who was may be the cause of her loss in career. She tensed before she awkwardly hugged back, patting him on the back as he clutched her. He thanks her, which surprises her more.

“Mr. Martinez! This doctor is the reason your mother is dead!”

Luis pulls away as he answers, looking Lily dead in the eye. “And she’s the reason why my mother lived.”

Lily can hardly believe it as she listened to Luis’ explanation of his change of heart. Of his understanding of why she did what she did. That it granted his mother a kind of happiness she hasn’t experienced in decades. That’s all Lily was trying to do. Grant her happiness and a chance to experience life away from the sterile walls she’d been trapped in for years. Lily knew, despite her own anxieties about her own fate, that she had down the right thing. She had given someone the chance to live – even if it wasn’t for very long. To fulfil their final wishes. And she was so glad that her son understood too.

“That’s why I’m dropping my lawsuit.”

The words rang in Lily’s head as she registered the words. He was dropping the lawsuit. Her head followed him with disbelief written all over her face. She watched him climb the stairs slowly, reaching the back of the room before he slid into the seat next to the man who’s smile gave her butterflies.

Ethan.

Of course, it was Ethan. Only he could have convinced Mrs. Martinez’s son to come to her hearing. Her heart swelled at the fact that he did this for her. When she asked Ethan to come to the hearing, he hadn’t hesitated. But with everything going on with Naveen and their rendezvous two days ago, she wondered when he had reached out to Luis and organised this. Was it before? She hadn’t even heard from him, yet he had eluded that he’d been trying to help her. But he seemed so hopeless when she’d come to him the day before yesterday. Before they had finally given into themselves. She couldn’t work it out. But whenever it was. She was incredibly grateful and amazed this man, who had been so tough and unforgiving with her, would do this.

The smile she returned was not only one of gratitude, but one that she hoped conveyed how much she cared for him. Lily looked at him for a little longer, forgetting what was going on around her before reluctantly turning away from him and back to the Hearing, waiting for her fate.

Lily lay, curled up to Ethan’s side. One arm resting against him, her fingers trailing the groves of his abdominal muscles. Ethan had one of his arms under his head and the other around her waist, his thumb absently stroking the soft skin there, skin that only moments ago he had held tightly as they saw stars together. They were both naked in her bed after one of the best nights of her life. She didn’t think it could get any better than the first time, but she was wrong. Terribly wrong.

After the hearing where she was finally reinstated at Edenbrook, she’d gone to the bar with her colleagues and friends to celebrate. And she did for a while, sipping drinks and laughing, hugging and accepting congratulations. But even so, there was only one person who wasn’t there, someone who she looked up to and adored, someone who has changed her life and ultimately her career. The only person she truly wanted to celebrate with.

Ethan had arrived late, having been caught up at the hospital, but Lily caught him before he could even step inside the bar. After learning he would return to his old position, she knew that all they had was tonight. Because tomorrow, everything would change. Everything would be back to before. It didn’t take much convincing, because Ethan knew too. And he wanted this as much as she did.

The bar seemed like so long ago now, so distant in their reality as Lily lay there in the room illuminated only by moonlight with Ethan. She sighed audibly as she felt Ethan’s arm around her tighten. She looked up at him to see Ethan gazing at her with hooded lids.

“Hey.” She whispered, smiling at him.

“Hey.” He replied, returning it.

She didn’t want to ruin this perfect moment by remembering that this was the last time she would ever be in his arms. That it was the last time she’d feel his touch, his kiss. She tried to block out those thoughts and just relish in his warmth. She buried her head in his side and pressed a kiss to his torso. Ethan hummed in content as he pulled her on top of him. Lily placed her legs either side of him as she lay her bare chest on his bare chest. Their bodies parallel, Ethan loved the feeling of her skin on his.

Lily rested her chin on her hands that lay over his pectorals. They looked at each other, memorising every curve of each other’s faces. She would miss this. She would miss him. There is no way Ethan would ever pursue a relationship with her now. As much as she wanted it, she knew deep down it was probably for the best. But she would still crave him. It would be hard, having to stand next to him, his hand so close yet she couldn’t hold. To watch him get frustrated over a case and not be able to kiss away the furrow in his brow. It would be hard. But it was a reality that she would have to face. Lily wondered if it would be as hard for him as it would be for her. She wasn’t sure.

“What are you thinking about?” Ethan asked, bringing her out of her subconscious. He gently put some of Lily’s hair behind her ear.

Lily shook her head. “If I told you it would ruin this.”

Ethan smiled sadly, knowing exactly what she was talking about. He tightened his arms around her. “I don’t know how I’m going to let you go.”

Lily shook her head again and kissed his chest. “Don’t. Let’s not think about it. Let’s just think about now. And how perfect this is. Nothing exists beyond this moment. Tomorrow doesn’t matter. It’s just now”

Ethan didn’t reply. He just stroked her hair, taking a deep breath, the smell of her cocoa butter shampoo was intoxicating. God, he’d miss this.

They stayed like that for a while. Silent. Lily wasn’t sure how long they’d been like this for, but it was surely past 1am. Lily looked up at Ethan to see his eyes had closed, his breathing deep and even. She shifted off him gently, trying not to stir him. She covered them in blankets as she moved to lay beside him, on her side so she could look at him. Lily’s eyes traced the curve of his jaw, the slope of his nose and his lips. She smiled. How could she be this lucky? She carefully traced his jawline with her index finger, up and down before running the back of her finger over his stubble. It wasn’t long before Ethan smiled and turned his head towards her.

“Sorry, did I wake you?” Lily asked.

“I was just resting my eyes.” Ethan replied, shifting so he was on his side, facing her.

They were so close, if either of them moved forward their lips would meet. Lily lost herself in his blue eyes, which were dark in the low lighting of her room. This…thing…between them was so raw and full of emotion. She’d never felt anything like this with anyone before. She was scared about how much Ethan meant to her. He was slowly consuming every part of her and yet, she didn’t want it to stop. Ethan was so hard to read sometimes, but in this moment, in the way he looked at her, there was something there that showed that maybe, just maybe, he was feeling the same way she was.

“I never said thank you.” Lily said, her eyes still on his.

Ethan frowned. “For what?”

“For bringing Mr. Martinez to the hearing. If it wasn’t for you, I would probably be unemployed right now.” Lily said as she reached to hold Ethan’s hand in hers. Desperate to touch him.

“I didn’t do anything.”

“But you did.” Lily insisted. “It’s because of you that he dropped the lawsuit. And it’s because of you that he was able to understand why I did what I did. His reaction probably helped sway some of the panellists.”

Ethan shook his head. “That was all you.”

Lily cocked her head. “Me?”

“Yes, you.” Ethan rolled his eyes playfully. “You’re a good doctor, Lily. Luis changed his mind because he heard how good you are not only as a doctor but as a person. Hearing those witnesses and how you helped them, he could see that what you did for Mrs. Martinez was to make her happy and her give her the chance to live her life on her terms. None of that is because of me.”

Lily couldn’t help but smile at his words. “You still convinced him to come. He couldn’t have been jumping for joy at the chance to attend my hearing.”

Ethan smiled. “He most certainly was not.”

“How did you do it?” Lily asked.

Ethan shrugged. “I told him he needed to understand the weight of what he was doing. He was doing what he thought was right. But he needed to see the people he was affecting. And how they were the same people that looked after his mother for 10 years whilst he barely visited. The nerve of him to sue the hospital and potentially ruin your career when he didn’t even understand his mother or know what she wanted.”

Lily chuckled. “You’re too harsh.”

“It’s the truth.” Ethan defended, frowning playfully.

Lily shook her head and brought his hand to her lips. “When did you do all this anyway? The other day when we…you said you had been doing things to try and help me, but you never said anything to me.” Lily said as she rubbed her thumb over the back of his hand before meeting his eyes. “Why didn’t you tell me what was going on and what you were planning?”

Ethan sighed. “I didn’t want to get your hopes up. After Dr. Emery wouldn’t let me testify, I had to think of something else. It took me a few days to get in touch with Luis, it wasn’t until the morning of the hearing that I finally spoke to him and pretty much threatened him to show up.”

“You didn’t.” Lily widened her eyes.

“I didn’t actually threaten him. But I wasn’t very nice, I assure you.” Ethan grinned.

Lily laughed and rolled her eyes. Her face softened as she looked at him. “Still. Thank you. For doing that and for being there today. Having you there, I really appreciated it. I don’t know if I could’ve faced it without knowing you were there at the back, having my back.”

“You could’ve done it, Lily. You’ve never really needed me. But I’m glad I was able to be that for you.” Ethan smiled softly at her, placing a hand on her cheek, his thumb stroking her cheekbone.

Lily smiled. “See, you can save the people you care about after all.”

Ethan shook his head and whispered so quietly that Lily could barely hear him, “I care about you more than you could ever know.”

“I care about you too.” Lily whispered back.

Ethan closed the small distance between them and pressed the softest of kisses to Lily’s lips. She returned the kiss, deepening it gently as she cupped his cheek with her hand. Ethan moved his hand down to her waist and pulled her flush against him. Lily hooked a leg around his thigh and they both proceeded to tangle their legs together. They couldn’t get enough of each other. It wouldn’t ever be enough.

Ethan pulled away for a moment to say: “I can’t stay the night, Lily.” Ethan searched her eyes with a look of anguish on his face. He hated knowing that he would have to leave her.

Lily couldn’t stop the ache in her chest. It was starting. “I…I understand, Ethan.” She smiled sadly. “But, can you wait until I fall asleep? Please?”

“Of course, my darling.” Ethan replied as he pressed a kiss to her forehead.

Lily smiled. “Thank you.”

They shifted so Lily’s back pressed into Ethan’s chest and he was spooning her, his arms around her. Lily held his arms and pressed further back into him, Ethan’s grip on her tightening. She tried to memorise this feeling of his arms around her. The feel on his breath on her neck and his skin on hers. God, she’d miss this. So damn much.

But she was grateful. Grateful to have had this at least. And knowing that even though they wouldn’t go beyond tonight, she knew that he would always be there when she needed him. And she would be there when he needed her.

Always.

I hope you all enjoyed it! Let me know what you thought!

If you have any requests, please send them in! It might take me time to get to but I would love to write more!

Remember to Reblog and Like!

[writingwithadinosaur]

“Dangerous Game” - Requested Oneshot

“Dangerous Game” - Request

The song “Dangerous Game” -

Here

My Masterlist - Here

Edward Nygma x Reader

Word Count: 2222

Key: Y/N = Your Name, L/N = Your Last Name, H/C = Your Hair Color, E/C = Your Eye Color

Warnings: A bit of violence towards reader, Murder, Cursing, sort of panic attack type thing,

Summary: After an attacker tries to get the reader in an alley, she is introduced to the dangerous game that her boyfriend is a part of.

Your thoughts are in italics, Normal Edward’s thoughts are in [ Brackets ] ,Dark Edward’s thoughts are in { Fancy Brackets }

Author’s Note: I hadn’t listened to the Jekyll and Hyde musical yet, but now I’m in love with it! Thank you so much for this request. I realized that I did it differently from how some song inspired fics go because I haven’t quite figured out how to do them like the others. Also, I got this inspiration at like 1Am, so it may be a bit wonky. But I tried my best! 

All of the lyrics I pulled from the song are in bold! 

Hope you enjoy! Please let me know how you like it!

If you would like to be tagged in any of my future pieces (All Works, Specific Fandoms, or Specific Multi-Parts), please let me know! And as always, feedback is greatly appreciated!

<3

- DreaSaurusREX

Tags: @high-functioning-fangirl473 @luciebell-writes

You considered yourself a pretty lucky lady. You had a wonderful man to call our own, you had a sustainable job at the local bank, and you lived in Gotham but haven’t had any bad experiences like break ins, attacks, or even as much as a cat calling. Sure you’ve seen it being done to others, it is Gotham after all, but you had never been the victim. That is, until tonight.

You were on your way to go meet your boyfriend for dinner. He had called earlier to try to insist on picking you up from work, but you thought it was ridiculous for him to go out of his way when you two could just meet at the restaurant. You gathered your things and locked your office for the night.

You were about halfway from the restaurant when you felt a painfully strong grip on your shoulder pulling you against the wall of the alley, causing you to hit the back of your head pretty hard. Not enough to do substantial damage, but it definitely was gonna hurt for a while.

It was dark but there was enough light from the lamp post that you could make out a face. It was no one you knew. They were grimey looking and bitter about something. You realized what situation you were in.

He leaned closer until he was inches from your face.

“You Nygma’s bitch?” His breath smelled like cheap beer and cigarettes. You knew better than to answer any questions or do anything he asks. When he doesn’t get a response, he slaps you across the face, pulls you back up, and pushes you hard against the wall, his hand around your throat.

“That’s no way for a lady to behave. Now tell me where the fuck that bastard is!” You tried your hardest not to burst into tears. Instead staying quiet again while tears welled in your eyes and your lip quivered. The man laughed before raising his hand up and getting ready to strike you again. But then a voice stopped him. A familiar voice.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you.” 

You looked down the alley to see Edward there, but there was something different about him. He seemed menacing, protective, and yet still creepily calm. That’s when you saw what was in his outstretched arm- A gun. You were in shock by this whole situation. Ed? With a gun? Was he actually going to use that?!

The man pulled you in front of him as a human shield with a knife to your throat. You tried to fight back but to no avail. You ended up looking at Edward, trying to get some sort of sign from him. He was a little bit scared, but he was mostly confident and like he was really ready to shoot.

“You wouldn’t risk the life of your girl, would ya?” You looked at Ed with such fear in your eyes.

Please don’t shoot me by mistake. How good is your aim? Where are you aiming? Are you going to kill him? What the fuck?! Please be careful. Please please--  Your thoughts got cut off my a low chuckle from Edward. 

[We can not hurt, (Y/N). You got that?]

{Yeah. I hear ya’. But this asshole is gonna regret fucking with us tonight. Why don’t we play with him for a minute?}

He took a few steps forward before speaking.

“The man who invented it, doesn't want it for himself. A man who bought it, doesn't need it for himself. A man who needs it, like you, sir, doesn't know it when he needs it. What is it?” Edward challenged. You knew the answer. A coffin. But you waited for a response from the man holding you hostage.

Eddie, what are you planning right now? You can’t possibly be thinking of killin-- Your thoughts were cut off again, but this time by the blade of the knife pressing a bit harder on your throat. Not enough to do any damage, just as an intimidation technique. The creep spoke up, obviously annoyed with Edward’s riddle.

“Listen you freak, I don’t fuckin--” That’s as far as his sentence got before a loud bang came from the end of the alley and the creep fell to the floor, a pool of blood flowing around him. You started to freak out, but then felt the familiar embrace of Edward’s arms as he led you back to your apartment.

During the entire walk there, you were so overwhelmed with everything that had just happened. It wasn’t until you both were in your apartment that you realized something. Edward just killed someone. Killed. Murdered. Left him for dead in the alley. What the fuck?! Who is this person?! It was at that time that Ed came back from the kitchen with cups of tea for you two. He put a hand on your shoulder and you instinctively hit his hand away and backed up.

“(Y/N)?! What the--” Before he could get any further, you started talking.

“No! What the fuck just happened in the alley? When the fuck did you become a murderer?! You shot him with no hesitation and even fucking challenged him with a riddle before putting a bullet in his brain! Who the fuck does that?!” You were breathing uncontrollably and panicking. Edward saw this and worried you might pass you.

“(Y/N). You need to breathe. I will explain everything when you get back to breathing normally.” He started to come closer to you, but you fought back.

“NO! You are going to tell me right now. You are going to tell me everything leading up to this shit that I don’t know about. I don’t give a fuck about anything else right now. So start talking.” He knew there was no talking you out of this.

So you stood there while Edward explained to you how he had killed others that had done him wrong like the officer that was abusing Kristen Kringle, or other scum like the guy tonight. He explained everything.

“I promise that that is everything, princess. There are no more secrets.” You stood in stunned silence for a moment before starting to pace a bit, Edward knew where this was going. Whenever you needed to think things out loud, you paced exactly like this. And it wasn’t surprising that you needed to think after this new information.

The frightened princess doesn’t know what to do

You paced and started to think. You decided to not think out loud this time It was just the two of you, pacing and sitting in silence. You would look at him every so often and always be met with his eyes. He was watching you with worry written all over his face. No one speaks. Not one word. But what words are in our eyes. Silence speaks. Loud and clear. All the words we (don't) want to hear!

My sweet Edward, a murderer? He doesn’t seem like one, but he is. And part of me isn’t upset about it. He isn’t murdering people for fun. He does it for protection. But this is such a thin line that he is walking on. He works for the fuckin mayor of Gotham. He can’t expect to get away with this.

Well, Oswald Cobblepot is the mayor. And he has a rough background. I’m sure his office isn’t full of goody two shoes and perfect people. I’m sure it’s corrupt. This is Gotham.

Edward is good. He has always been good to you. He is doing this for the greater good. Could you really accept his new role in this game? Edward’s odds are better with you by his side, and maybe this could be beneficial for you too… It’s a dangerous game.

Edward was watching you. You hadn’t said a word. He was actually scared of what the outcome would be. He wanted you. He couldn’t see a life without you. But he knew that what he did, what he does, is not something that is easily accepted. Him and his other side began to have a conversation in his head.

[Will the ghosts go away? Will she will them to stay?]

{No. She knows too much. She’ll report you to the GCPD. You’ll go back to Arkham. Do you want that?}

[No. But I can’t stop her. I love her.]

{But she won’t love you. She is probably thinking of how to escape right now. You really think she is going to stay with you after learning that you are a murderer?}

[I can only hope. She knows how corrupt this city is. She knows I work with Oswald, King of Corruption. She knows I am not a heartless person. I can only wait to hear her response. Then we’ll take it from there.]

{A darker dream, That has no ending, That's so unreal, You believe that it's true?}

[I have to think that she will stay. I have to…]

{Fine. Then ask her what her decision is. If she doesn’t stay with us and stay quiet, you let me take her down. But who knows, maybe she has her own malicious side…}

Edward ended that conversation and tried to start a real one with you.

“(Y/N)? Please tell me what you’re thinking. I can’t read minds.” You stop pacing and shake your head, confused by your mind.

“All I know is I'm lost and I'm counting the cost. My emotions are in a spin! I don't know who to blame, you or the city or the people in this city.” You pause and see Edward look down. He thinks he’s about to lose you because of this. You think of how much you love him.

“I love you, Edward.” He studied your face, looking for any sign of you joking with him, but found nothing but seriousness. He stood up and started to walk towards you but stopped a couple feet away, knowing you weren’t done talking. You reach and grab one of his hands.

“At the touch of your hand, at the sound of your voice at the moment your eyes meet mine, I am losing my mind, I am losing control, fighting feelings I can't define! And even though I can’t define how I feel about all of this, I’m with you. I love you, Edward Nygma. I--”

Before your could continue, he grabbed your face and kissed you. It was a rougher type of kiss, one of relief and fear. He truly feared he would lose you tonight. You wrapped your arms around his neck and he snaked his arms around your waist, pulling you to be flush with his body. You kisses became more heavy and passionate. He pulled away for a minute to speak.

“I love you so much, (Y/N). I never want to lose you and I promise I will do everything I can and more to keep you happy and safe and--” Now it was your turn to cut him off.

“Shush. Now. I mean it. Shut up and kiss me.” He smiled a big, true smile and gladly obeyed your command. His lips crashed against yours and you were soon fighting for dominance. You started to laugh a bit as you two were kissing, Edward pulled away and gave you a questioning look. You had this new look growing in your eyes that he had never seen before.

“What’s so funny, princess?” He honestly didn’t want to stop kissing you, so he just began leaving a trail of kisses and nibbles down your neck. You gasped at the pleasurable pain from his bites, but still admitted what was on your mind.

“I’ve always wondered what it would be like to finally snap and take down another person…” You were smiling a mischievous smile.

Edward froze. He slowly brought his face to be level with yours, searching for any signs of fooling around, but found none.

{Wow. She is actually perfect for you, freak.}

[I know.]

“You’re not just saying that, right?” Edward was honestly cautious about being messed with. But you put a hand on his cheek and looked him dead in the eye.

“I mean it. I’ve had some people in my life that I’ve imagined throwing off a building or stabbing or--” You were cut off by Edward’s lips again. His kisses were desperate and almost thankful. You just smiled into the kisses.

Edward pulled you closer to him, you got so lost in the moment that you didn’t notice you were moving until you were pinned against the wall. Edward’s kisses traveling down from your lips to your cheek to your neck. He began to leave his mark there, earning a moan from you. You then began to chuckle a bit. Edward moved so he was facing you again.

Before he could say anything, you laced your fingers through the hair on the back of his head and pulled him to your lips. You began making him walk while never breaking the kiss, leading him to your bedroom for some fun and games.

“It's a sin with no name -

No remorse and no shame -

Fire, fury and flame -

Cos the devil's to blame

And the angels proclaim

It’s a dangerous game!”

[wishingfornever]

12/25/17 – No Contact:  Christmas

I hate Christmas.  I feel very alone right now.  I got back from work and I’ve been awake since.  Current time is 1am.  I wrote a bit of a rant on Facebook.  It was more to address those who experience today in Solitude.  I wrote this rant more for myself… but if asked about it, I’ll deny it.  I wrote about how many people are alone and feel the burden of the holiday.  So if I’m asked, I’ll say, “No, I’m with my cousin.”

Excuses.  It’s a poison and I’m the only one drinking it.  Tomorrow, Adela and I will try to find a place to get food.  I guess I’ll get some McDonald’s. Fuck it, I’ll have meat.  -,-

On Twitch, two people have added me.  I’ve accepted.  They don’t seem to be bots, at least not when I added them a week or so ago.  I asked one why they added me.  Rather, how they found me.  He (assuming this person is male but he has a feminine name) said we have a mutual friend.  Shane.  I haven’t seen hide nor hair from him in a long while.  Very peculiar.

It’d be funny if it were Esther and she were stalking me, but this person is playing World of Warcraft.  She never heard of it when we met.  Of course, she and Dennis could have gotten into it… I wonder.

Remember how I said “Dennis and I never go out so his stories are false.”  Thing is, in World of Warcraft, we did A LOT of things together.  That is far more likely.  Again, doubt it’s Esther but if Dennis got her into WoW that’d be a place where a lot of his stories involving me would be true.

I suspect Shane told these people to add me.  I think he’s busting my balls.  Just sort of trying to upset me or something.  I don’t know.  It’s a very weird circumstance.  I’m going to try to avoid these folks but if they message me, I’ll respond.  I don’t even know how to check mutuals on Twitch, so it’s more than likely he told them to add me.  Whether his intention is malicious or not has yet to be determined.

Anyways, time to ruin Christmas.  As I said yesterday… or the day before? The transcript for me trolling.  I probably won’t share anything like this again, so this will be for educational purposes only. Behold:

Original Post by Mutual Friend who ISN’T a Nazi (Was Posted on Twitter but Appeared on Facebook which he neglects): Journalists need to realise that the erosion of trust doesn't matter for their political antithetics. Trump supporters won't watch @CNN anyway.

It's their normal audience that'll tire of constant mistakes, of immature antics. Yelling about apples won't help with that.

Declan: Nope it won't help them, but there is a NEW NAZI BORN every MINUTE these evil and vile people exist! GOOD AND JUSTICE IS COMING! [At this point, he shares a video titled “88 Problems” which is a Nazi remake of “99 Problems” and is ABUNDANTLY Fascist]

Declan: [He shares a picture of Stalin furiously grabbing his head and looking down upon a series of pictures depicting Communism and Homosexuality with Hitler laughing in the corner]

Stephen: [Shares a picture of a Pencil with the words “This Machine Kills Fascists” on the side]

Declan: Hahahaha, gotta love the queer unnatural filth that rose up to exist because we chose the wrong side in World War Number 2. Thank the CREATOR for Generation ZYKLON which is rising in huge numbers. I guess the degenerates pushed too far too fast. Just a matter of time now, the days of the degenerate is numbered. THANK GOD!

Stephen: Lel, not sure if you're serious or not. Either you're telling a joke or you are the joke. ;)

Stephen: [Shares a picture of Che Guevara, on the top is written “I bet you won’t repost because you’re too ashamed to have a picture of Jesus on your feed.”  The purpose of this was to target his blatant over-religiousness and was more to draw him out as the image will offend him ideologically as well as spiritually.]

Declan: [Tags Me] - HAHAHAHHAHAHA, [Includes picture of Che Guevara with the quote “’The Negro is indolent and lazy, and spends his money on frivolities, whereas the European is forward-looking, organized, and intelligent.’ - Ernesto ‘Che’ Guevara” and is immediately followed by another quote saying, “THIS DUMMY NIGGER SAYS NIGGERS ARE LAZY AND LAZY… In his nigger mind while attempting to promote Europeans… IS NOT EUROPEAN!”]

Declan: Now run to facebook and cry to CUCKERBERG to ZUCK me

Stephen: Oh, you're serious. The thing is, Che isn't black. In fact, his ancestry is Spanish-Irish. It's alright for not knowing, however. Ignorance can be cured through education. Education is a machine that kills fascists. :D

Declan: [Tags Me; mind you, the hyphen is a part of his responses, this has all been copied and pasted directly with the exception of describing the text in images] - YOU SAID ONLY BLACKS CAN BE NIGGERS! You, YOU, are clearly anti-black.

Declan: [Tags Me, yet again] - you should be ashamed, BLACK LIVES MATTER!  

Stephen: "Nigger" is a derogatory term for people of color. Much like how "Kike" is a derogatory term for Jews. If I were to call you a kike and then proceeded to insist that Kikes aren't specifically Jews, that'd be ignoring the original meaning of the word. The more you know. :D

Declan: People of color? You mean how "white" people are all the colors with various hair and eye colors, and brown people are just brown…

Stephen: More how in the US and other western nations determine someone's race by the color of their skin as opposed to standards in other nations. For example, in the Balkans, race is more nationalized and has more to do with culture. For example, Albanians and Serbs in Kosovo. They're different peoples and are considered a different race despite having the same skin color, but I digress.

Anyways, race is a boring topic and you're so very ignorant. Instead, let's talk politics. Since you're super into Black Lives Matters, then certainly you've heard of the glory that is Marxism, yes? :D

Declan: [Tags Me Again; please stahp] - I have heard of it, yes indeed. I figure cuckerberg is getting his minions ready to ban me as I type, so I better respond quickly… [Shares a picture depicting Romans carrying the fasces and is captioned, “In ancient ROME the fasces were carried by the lictors to assemble the court of the magistrate. They brought justice & light of ROME as they bore the fasces on their shoulders. The fasces remains a symbol of justice to this day because of it’s use in history. A bundle of sticks, in this case it was an axe bound around it with rods, held in place by leather strapping. The fasces served as a symbol of the people united together in the purpose of service to one another to build society under the law. It is this unity of purpose that is the basis for FASCISM.  I am a FASCIST.”]

Declan: [Shares yet another picture with words, this depicting Joseph Goebbels with Adolf Hitler, quoting the former as saying, “THE JEW IS THE PLASTIC DEMON OF DECAY. WHERE HE SENSES FILTH AND DECAY, HE APPEARS FROM HIS HIDING PLACE AND BEGINS HIS CRIMINAL SLAUGHTER OF THE PEOPLES. HE PUTS ON A MASK OF FRIENDSHIP BEFORE THOSE HE WANTS TO BETRAY, WITHOUT THE INNOCENT VICTIM NOTICING THAT HIS NECK IS ALREADY BROKEN.

THAT IS WHY WE NATIONAL SOCIALISTS OPPOSE THE JEWS. THE JEW HAS CORRUPTED OUR RACE, SOILED OUR MORALS, UNDERMINED OUR VALUES, AND BROKEN OUR STRENGTH. WHEN WE FORGOT OUR GERMAN NATURE, HE TRIUMPHED OVER US AND OUR FUTURE. -Dr. Joseph Goebbels, July 30 1928.”  Wall of text and is a dumb quote.  Dumb.]

Stephen: Nonsense, nobody is listening to your banter besides me. You're making it clear that you like Fascism so I'd like to ask you more about your ideology. What do you like about Fascism?

Declan: I believe in natural order and seeking real truth. This leads to true justice.

Stephen: Right, but truth is subjective. Rather, let's talk about the political intrigue behind Fascism. For example, what are your views on economics? Do you think Fascism can work with Capitalism?

Declan: Economically, Hitler's policy on National Socialism was an amazing success. So much so, that he turned the ruins of his Republic into a shining war machine.

Stephen: That doesn't answer my question. At all. Do you think Fascism can work along side with Capitalism?

Declan: This is what sums up the ideals of that economic ideal. [Shares yet another picture with a wall of text, I honestly haven’t read any of this until now because fuck that shit.  “HITLER’S DEFINITION OF SOCIALISM

‘A Socialist is the one who serves the common good without giving up his individuality or personality or the product of his personal efficiency.  Our adopted term ‘Socialist’ has nothing to do with Marxian Socialism.  Marxism is anti-property; true socialism is not.  Marxism places no value on the individual, or individual effort, or efficiency; true Socialism values the individual and encourages him in individual efficiency, at the same time holding that his interests as an individual must be in consonance with those of the community.  All great inventions, discoveries, achievements, were the first product of an individual brain.  It is charged against me that I am against property, that I am an atheist.  Both charges are false.’

- Adolf Hitler, December 28, 1938”

Bullshit propaganda, designed to sound good while kissing ass.]

Stephen: It’s a yes or no question, Declan.  ;)

Declan: The simplest answer is yes.

Stephen: So yes?  You believe Fascism could work with Capitalism?  You do realize that much of Hitler's economic success was due to the state taking over control of industry in the nation?  If Hitler ran today's world, Walmart and all those other businesses wouldn't exist in favor of a state-owned economic industry.  That's the opposite of what capitalism and the free market stands for.

Stephen: Very peculiar thinking. Knowing what you know now, do you still believe capitalism is compatible with Fascism knowing that Hitler's success was largely in part thanks to state controlled industry?

Declan: I disagree totally, given I know what Hitler actually did and promoted. [lol, no you don’t]

Stephen: You disagree that capitalism will work with Fascism? But you just said the simplest answer is "Yes." Why the change of heart?

Declan: [Tags Me once more] - I disagree with you. Hitler's ideals of private property and personal industry was promoted in his work. National Socialism is NOT the same as the disease that is marx. [shares the most previous image again because if I read it once I really have to read it again]

Stephen: I'm not talking about private property as that has little to do with the free market. The thing is, in Nazi Germany you had to work through the Nazis in order to run ANY business. You needed to be a member of the Nazi party. The state controlled almost the entire industry of Germany. This was a requirement for the war effort, after all. Hitler was not one to support the free market as that was part of the Jewish agenda.

Stephen: "These capitalists create their own press and then speak of the 'freedom of the press.' In reality, every one of the newspapers has a master, and in every case this master is the capitalist, the owner." Addressed to the German workers of Berlin in 1940. Hitler said this. He was not a friend of Capitalism. [This is the comment he liked]

Stephen: Hrm, seems you've vanished. Was hoping you'd stick around longer. Perhaps a change of topic would encourage your return. Let's talk about the Fascist's strengths. How do you feel about Nationalism? :D

At this point, he stopped responding.

I was going to talk more about this and explain certain things, but I ended up spending an hour going back.  Remember when the paragraphs were doublespacing?  I mentioned it briefly and didn’t really talk about it again.  I realized that if I have to rely on someone else to post these, I need to make them orderly.  So… I did it.  Just now.

I don’t suggest it.  I was getting rid of the double spacing manually because this is SO long that the program I’m using is just… well, it can’t handle uniting all the edits and making the spacing universal.  So, I pressed down on the arrow keys, hit enter, then clicked the mouse multiple times on the “Decrease Paragraph Spacing” button.  This lasted a while and I reread a lot… not a healthy trip down memory lane.

Before Shane told me what he told me, I was super chill with Dennis and Esther.  I REALLY turned against him.  I trusted Shane so much. Trusted Daniel, too.  I toyed with the idea that Daniel was untrustworthy… I think Shane too.  But I never really confronted it.  Of course, Dennis isn’t the ideal character.  He still betrayed me.  And Esther became a bit of a bitch.

Still, I wrote… a lot of sincere and heartfelt things.  I toy with the idea that if Esther were to read this, the first part of the journal would scare her.  Going through it again, not really.  Like, you can see my opinion of Dennis change.  I was honest about who I spoke with.  I wasn’t as deceitful as I thought I was.  And a lot of the dreams… ironically, I remembered the greatcoat burning dream the most.  I remembered it because the design of the camp had a sort of similar appearance to a Call of Duty Black Ops map.  The big snowy map in a factory.  Not exact layout, just looked similar which is strange for a concentration camp.  I can’t remember what I was, though.  Probably for the best.

Haven’t seen Cynthia or little Stephen in a while.  That’s good.  I still have dreams of Esther, of course.  Her spectre.

I had to change the name of a certain NationState to NationState Region Founder.  He has a funny name but it’s a shame I can’t reveal it. To protect his identity.  I sort of involved him in my drama.  That was wrong of me.

I wish I could convince Esther to read this.  I feel a lot of emotions that I felt back then.  I had really hoped that Esther would change her mind.  Shane built me up in a way.  When he was saying that Dennis was basically Hitler, I was convinced she’d see reason.  Of course, I attacked someone she had oxytocin for.  Thus, she hated me for attempting to rid her of her oxytocin source.

He’s still a little bitch.

Yeah, maybe I’m salty.  But Dennis wronged me.  She refused to see that. I forgave him, but he doesn’t want to be forgiven because he doesn’t think he did anything wrong.  I forgave her and same thing. She’s a good person… just fucking dumb.  ><

She has a lot of potential and it’s being squandered on fucking pot.  I hate marijuana.  If you smoke it, you’re a fucking idiot.  Yes, talking to you, Tumblr Reader.  Don’t smoke pot.  You need a sober mind.  If you do smoke pot, smoke it socially.  Don’t let it become a fucking crutch.  Overindulgence in anything is a bad idea.

Of course, I’ve basically pigged out these last few days.  Weirdly enough, whenever I do I tend to lose a lot of weight.  Weird how that happens.  I noticed that as I was reliving the journey so far.

I also noticed that I fell for something I told Esther not to fall for. Early in our relationship, before we became romantically involved and we were strictly platonic, I gave her a set of numbers.  She asked what the numbers meant and I told her to figure it out herself. I ended up talking about hidden messages and the Enigma Machine from WWII.  In an effort to learn the meaning of this set of numbers, she learned how to read the Enigma Machine.  She had a big crush on me, you see, and really wanted to impress me.

As she was learning to decipher the Enigma Machine, I told her that it’s possible the numbers have no meaning.  Immediately, she denied it and said that some of the numbers were making sense.  I told her that she’d find a meaning but that meaning would be entirely her own. She was looking for answers and if she looked hard enough, she would find the answers.  She’d find these answers even if there was never a question.  She still defended the idea that the numbers I gave her had a meaning.

Eventually this idea of hers vanished as I managed to convince her that it was an analogy for religion.  What’s the meaning of life?  Certainly, there are answers and we’ve found it!  Just don’t eat shellfish or pork!  Because you’ll get sick and die if the pork isn’t cooked well enough or if you have shellfish allergies.

We try to find a meaning for everything.  Everything must have an answer.  And when we find even a glimmer of an answer, we’ll do whatever we can to defend it.  That is why the most religious people are… well, religious.  Because they are determined that they have an answer to a question they alone asked.  A meaning to all of this.

The fact of the matter is, there is no meaning.  There only is.  We exist and we perhaps shouldn’t question why we exist.  Life is temporary as an individual… but as a collective?  Life is infinite.

Anyways, Esther tried to impress me by attempting to find an answer to a question that was implied.  Instead, I impressed her through a bit of insight.

Esther was strange at first, but she was worth talking to.  She was like a blank canvas and I was determined to take advantage of this.  I wanted to expand her mind, her thought processes.  She has so much potential that I know Dennis won’t see.  I’m certain he oxytocins her as well, perhaps as much as I do.  But his oxytocin for her? It’s a physical attraction.

To me, I oxytocin’d her because there were so many possibilities.  The idea of Cynthia and mini Stephen?  That’s recent.  To me, I had hoped to share experiences with her.  I wanted to do things I never have and have her do things she’s never done.  I never ice skated before I met her, for example.  A tip of the iceberg for me, the iceberg being adventures we may never do.

I mentioned that we had contracts.  She and I set these contracts and they began because I recognized that she was naive and would agree to anything.  Basically, I wrote contracts under duress to point out, “Hey, don’t fucking agree to everything just because you want one thing!”  It was GROSSLY against her.  However, we eventually rewrote the contract for other things.  We weren’t in a romantic relationship at the time, but we were flirting quite heavily.  It lead to the romantic relationship getting established.

My pride… it interfered.  She screwed me over in the contract and rather than letting her get too proud, I decided to weasel my way out of it and have her rewrite it.  Of course, it was a serious point so I weaseled for good intentions but I regretted doing it then.  Still regret it now.

Before we broke up, right after the event happened where I discovered Dennis was a piece of shit and the oxytocin for me Esther had once felt had faded, I wrote a new contract in an effort to get her back.  It heavily favored her.  She came over to pick up her things the day after, and I showed her the contract as well as a letter detailing my remorse.  I uninstalled all my games for the first time to prove my sincerity, showing her an empty steam library.  The contract I had written the night before was VERY hard on me… Esther even pointed it out.  It was a chance, but I was so scared of losing her that I lost my shit.  Ended up cutting my arm.  That was 9/3/17.  The End.

Love is strange.  Never have I… panicked like I had.  Never have I hurt so badly.  Losing Esther has hands down been the lowest point of my life.  It was only made worse by those I thought were my friends. Shane, Dennis… even Daniel.  Of course, Daniel is still a friend. But he’s not an ally.  He actively worked against me.  Admittedly, he worked against me on the behalf of his brother.  He was loyal and chose a side.  To him, blood was thicker than water.

The original quote, supposedly, is “The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.”  That is to imply that the bonds you have can be thicker than the bonds you’re born with.  I told Daniel that Dennis never liked him, and it’s true.  Dennis NEVER liked him.  I’ve mentioned this multiple times.  However, Esther was told this and only saw the Dennis of… recent years. Perhaps Daniel and him repaired their relationships, but I always remember Dennis just shitting on Daniel.

Dennis was not a good brother.

So, Esther thought I was lying.  Me, being a narcissist, was turning Daniel against Dennis!  Yeah, I guess I was.  But it was still the truth.

Shane… he lied to me because he wanted to do what Dennis had done.  Esther had told me that he was getting… creepy.  I don’t want to see how deep that rabbit hole goes, but I trust it’s a dangerous one to enter.  At least for her.

And Dennis… I don’t know.  He’s a liar.  He’s admitted this.  She trusts him over me.  It’s the oxytocin.  Of course, I embraced Shane’s words wholeheartedly, so I proved he was more honest than me only in the sense that Dennis said nothing and I said everything. I panicked.  I never stopped panicking.

Still, Dennis is a piece of shit.  If I were in a position to help him, I would.  Certainly, I would help him in a heartbeat.  However, afterwards I’d spit right in his eye.  I respect our history but the loyalty and trust he and I had… he profited off my misery.  He did something I would never do.  But, I’m holding him to my own standards.  As you can see, I can’t uphold myself to my own standards at times.

Hrm… getting late.  It’s almost 5 in the morning.

Something else I saw…  I spoke about my witch friend a lot.  A quick word search has revealed I haven’t revealed her name, so I’ll keep it that way.  Witch I met about the time I met Ariel.  A bit later.  She had her birthday recently.  Taught me a lot about magic.

I… asked her to cast spells on Dennis and Esther.  Make Esther love me again, forgive me.  Less than stellar things for Dennis.  I didn’t actually think they’d work and they didn’t, obviously.  But the idea would give me peace of mind.  I needed… something.  Something to keep me grounded.  I omitted that information just in case the spells worked.

I found out maybe… a month ago?  That the spells won’t work.  That the target is a naturally born witch so the spells can’t… magic. Somehow.  I’m not sure how it works, but I thought it was fitting. Esther’s a natural witch.  If she ever came back to me, I’d have to get her spell books.  See what she could do.

Ariel said I might be a natural Shaman because I attract so many witches. When I discovered Esther might be a witch, I couldn’t help but think maybe there was something to what Ariel had said.  Thing is, I don’t believe in magic.  Honestly, Witch might have just been lying to get me off her back.

Esther is a very spiritual person.  I’m not.  Ariel is a very spiritual person.  I’m not.  Witch is a very spiritual person.  I’m not. That’s three witches whom I hold very dearly.  My cousin is a witch, supposedly.  A wiccan or whatever.  Jeremiah is wiccan.  Just… idk.  I thought the wiccan thing was just a fashion trend.

Dumb to say, I know.  But maybe there’s a reason for all that.

It’s late, of course.  I’d believe any nonsense at this point.  But if there is a grain of truth in a silo of lies, then I’ll be sure to give it a chance.  I’ll randomly mail Esther some witchcraft books in the future.  I think I can remember Dennis’s address.

Oh, I smell nice.  I ran my fingers through my hair and I got hit by my cologne.  I’m reminded by my work day, though… could have been better.  I felt like I left and the job I had done was done… poorly.  My work ethic isn’t the greatest, but I felt low.  I was dazed.  Just was a bad day.  The day before was far better.  Of course, there was a pretty girl I could flirt with there.

I don’t flirt on the job, of course.  I try to stay professional.

Of course, she was shopping too.  Thing is, I never had a chance to say hi because… professional.  I don’t oxytocin this new girl.  I like her as a person because she’s funny and I am definitely attracted to her, but oxytocining her is a bit early.  As a cancer, I need to be aware of what I oxytocin.

Besides, playing hard to get is what brought Esther to me.  I doubt it’d work here, though.

If Esther came back, I’d stop pursuing Diana immediately.  I’d still intend to meet up with Ariel, though.  Esther would have allowed it back then before the event.  I try to be loyal and monogamous, with Ariel excluded of course.  When I was talking about bumping nasties with several women I knew on the way from Susanville to Houston, I knew I wouldn’t sleep with them.  Was it a joke?  Yeah, a bit, but I actually did want to know if Esther would have cared.  I think with the first one, who is single, she and I would have seen a movie.  Had dinner.  Have a date.  Typical bullshit.  We wouldn’t have slept together though.  Even if I wanted to, she wouldn’t.  She’s Christian and is even chaste.

The second girl, she has a boyfriend.  I tried pursuing her in the past but the timing was wrong.  Never had the chance to actually seal the deal. The third was a guy.  Actually, I met him online. He’s very charming.  Persian-American, or at least his dad is Persian.  He’s in Iran right now, actually.  He lives in Dallas. He’s a very handsome man, as well.  That’s something I noticed, Iranians tend to be very attractive peoples.  Would I have slept with him? If I were gay, I’d fucking fuck him so fucking hard.  But, alas, I am not.  He’s very handsome.

I don’t game anymore so I gave him my phone number recently.  Saved it, too.  I started saving numbers again.  I did it because I didn’t want to forget Esther’s face and my phone… well, it automatically gave her number a face.  Not sure where it came from.  Adela has a face too, which is strange.

They’re the only two contacts on my phone with faces.  And Esther… well, I only saved her number recently.  I don’t really save numbers.  It’s not my style.  The only number I saved last year was this number of this guy who was basically harassing me.  Like, he was crazy and I didn’t realize.  That’s a long story.  Haven’t heard from him in over a year.

Honestly, I hope he’s well.  It can’t be easy for him.  I think he was homeless.  I’m not sure.  He was mysterious and strange, yet he was so hopeful.

Oof. That’s a long journey for recounting memory lane.  Anyways, it’s time for bed.  I’m going to drink the rest of my 1500 ml of water because I didn’t earlier today at work.  Then, I’ll brush my teeth.  Then… I’ll stay up.  I’ll think about Esther.  And then I’ll dream about work.

Heh, that sucks.  I have this inner fear that I fail at work before sleeping.  Makes me restless, strangely enough.  Last night, I had a dream that I was leaving this old, rustic manor in Spain with Esther and this other guy.  We didn’t lock the house with a lock but this weird mechanism.  He said that it was a lock for the stupid.  He said this outloud, right as we left.  A line formed as people tried to play with the lock.

I realize that one guy was going to get it and I started walking towards him to let him know, “No, fuck off.”  The distance got further the closer I got, strangely enough, and when I got half-way he breaks open the mechanism and a bunch of people flood in.  I say, “Fuck!” and start running.

I make it inside and I grab the first gun I can.  A tank-gewehr from World War One.  It’s basically an elephant rifle redesigned to pierce tank armor.  Big gun.  I take aim at one of the looters and squeeze the trigger.

Nothing. I rack the bolt back to see if it’s loaded and it is.  So I push it forward and try to make sure that the bullet is actually chambered correctly.  The dream ends before I can take the second shot.  Or maybe it didn’t, but I can’t remember the rest.  I just remembered I failed at protecting my household from looters.

Tonight will be different.  It has to be.  I’ll dream about failing to help my coworkers.  See you again in a minute.  ;)

Should have guessed.  I had a dream about Esther.  Was very emotional. Like… oof.

Dennis and her separated peacefully, unlike when me and her and I lost my shit and cut myself.  I managed to convince her to not only come back in my life but continue dating again.  She was hesitant the entire way, but we sat across from each other and I held her hand to my cheek and cried.  Crying in front of someone is very hard for me, but I was just so happy that she came back into my life that I couldn’t stop myself.

She had to do something, so I drove into town to do something.  It didn’t last long so I came back as soon as possible.  I stopped by Dennis’s and he was showing me some things.  Strangely enough, he had these snapchat messages with Esther that were saved from 2015.  I thought that was very strange, so I made a mental note.

Anyways, I picked her up and she had been doing a pornographic photoshoot. Her boss was this woman who I never saw and Esther said her boss was something of a hard ass.  From there, it was time to finally go home. I was very happy.

Then I woke up.

I was a bit grumpy when I did.  I mean… really?  Seriously?  Again with this?  In the dream, I was getting ready to prepare this journal to be read.  I was making mental notes of what to tell her, mostly. Dennis was being nice to us, so I had to tell her, “Try to ignore me randomly shitting on him.”  Just a bunch of warnings and disclaimers.

I don’t hate Dennis, mind you.  He’s just pissed me off.  I’m upset with him still.  I guess it’s a chip on my shoulder but I did sincerely want him to be a part of my life.  Shane too.

I had another dream (or maybe it was part of the same dream).  A random guy left me a voice message saying Shane told a bunch of random people to add me and gave my information out to the world.  This is where these two Twitch people came from.  I was very concerned at first, but I laughed it off later.  I stopped accepting friend requests, though.

I wonder if I’ve ever done that irl.  I try to remember back in my propaganda days.  I don’t think I ever encouraged a group of people to harass one person, but I have publicly shamed people.  My niece, for example, who is a few years younger than me.  She basically stole over 800 dollars from me.  That’s a long story, though.

Adela gave me a card saying, “Merry Xmas from Max and I.

Yaya + [Quickly drawn picture of a mustache and a paw print]”

This card had a 50 dollar bill inside.  That was nice of her.  I love the representation of Max.  He’s a little schnauzer so he always has a little mustache.  Super cute dog.  He doesn’t have a mustache now because the vet trimmed EVERYTHING but his eyebrows, but it’s basically a staple for him.

I didn’t get Adela a card.  Rather, I got her a present that I left on her bed.  It’s this short, faux fur coat.  I got one for my mom and she loves it.  I wanted to get one for Ariel.  Hell, I might randomly send one to Esther.  It’s a really cute coat.  Ironically, it costs 50 dollars.  If I get one for Ariel, it’ll be red with black trim.  That’s the same style I got Yaya and my mom.  If I get one for Esther, it’ll be blue or black.  The trim doesn’t change color.

Probably a bad idea to gift women the same article of clothing as other women, but it’s still nice.

I know it’s weird that I’m thinking of getting Esther something but her birthday is coming up.  If I send it, it’ll come from a “Mysterious Stranger” which will be a reference to Fallout.  Or something, I don’t know yet.  Honestly, I probably won’t even do it.  It’s nice to think about though.

Still, backing up a minute it’s weird that I want to get her a gift!  She has made it clear that she wants me out of her life and I know she’ll never come back.  In fact, she thinks I’m a Narcissist.  Surely, I’m doing this because I’m trying to convince her to come back! No.  Again, it’s been a tough life for her.  Last year, she was in a bad situation.  Her birthday was not so good.  Two days after, we met in person.  It’s been a tough year in general, but especially for her.  I think she’d like it.  However, if she asks me about it then I’ll deny it.  If she thinks it’s from me she’ll throw it away.  It’s $50 and I don’t intend to just throw that money away if she doesn’t at least try it on.  x.x

Whoops! I accidentally ordered it, just to see if I can change the Address and place a gift tag on it!  Unfortunately, Amazon is SO FUCKING STREAMLINED, that it just ordered the fucking coat and it would have sent here.  D’oh!

Fortunately, I was able to cancel it immediately.  I don’t get charged until it ships so my bank won’t see anything from it.  Phew.  I can’t afford it right now.  I can’t afford ANYTHING right now.  At least, I can’t afford anything on my card.  ><

Embarrassing.

I’ll look into sending mysterious packages when I can afford it.  Of course, she’ll know it’s me.  I’ll figure it out.  Shouldn’t be hard.  Just… whoops.  I probably will wait until next Christmas, honestly.  So, I guess this Tumblr won’t see the end result.

Oh, last night.  Last night, I drank so much water at once I thought I was going to vomit.  Very bad idea.  Today, I woke up with slightly chapped lips and my urine didn’t show any signs of being overly hydrated.  I guess I go through a lot of water naturally.

Just cooked some eggs with corn and seasoned with pepper, seasoned salt, and garlic powder.  The top three.  It wasn’t in a sandwich but it was covered in ketchup.  It was a good Christmas dinner, even if it were more a breakfast meal.  Esther cooks her eggs with shredded cheese mixed in before scrambling it, sort of like what I do with corn.  I considered cooking my eggs like that but I don’t have shredded cheese.  That and I usually through the end result onto a sandwich with sliced cheese, spinach, and onions (though the recent eggs have had the onion cooked in them).  I don’t have ANY of that right now.  But I have plenty of eggs.  :D

I think I’ll cook an Esther breakfast for myself soon.  Just to see if it’d work with corn, really.  If it doesn’t, then I won’t cook like that again but I doubt it’d be totally significant.

I’ve been thinking of Esther a lot lately.  It’s not a bad thing; I’m remembering her fondly.  I couldn’t help to while cooking the eggs, though.  I won’t cook for her again, so I’ll cherish when she cooked for me here.  Before the event, I cooked for her a bit. Nothing spectacular, mac and cheese or mashed potatoes.  Super easy stuff, nothing complicated.

I just tested to see if Tumblr has a character limit.  It doesn’t.  I posted the entire thing up until now to Tumblr on the blog I made for Esther a while back.  I deleted it after so no one will be able to see it.  The reason I tested it was to see how simple it’d be for my friend to post these things.  I’ll tell her to use the find function to find “Contact” and because that’s attached to every post.  Those are the titles of the entries, after all.

Basically, I’m trying to keep this as simple as possible for her.  Will she read all these?  Maybe.  But I do think she’ll follow through. I’ll make two copies of this.  One will be for posting to Tumblr. I think it’d be better for her to copy the daily posts and then IMMEDIATELY delete it.  The second will be for back up.  If she deletes too much or whatever, it can get mended easily.

Yesterday at work.  I just remembered.  I wasn’t supposed to be on a register but I was helping out as I could.  The line was long so I got on the second register.  My manager at the time, a short Mexican woman who is about my age, was on that register.  I got on it and started ringing people up.  Then she comes up and takes over.

Before she does, she grabs me by my sides, hands a bit higher than my waist to move me.  It’s very gentle and I didn’t realize it at first. Then, I saw it.  I threw my arms out and yelled, “I’m flying, Jack!”  It was great.  I was impressed by how quickly I assessed the situation and remembered the quote.  Like, it was lightning fast considering my dumbed down reflexes.

I actually steal a lot of my jokes.  Usually from Zero Punctuation, lately from Soviet Womble, but this?  This was something that I had a chance to do and I took it.  I forgot about it because the day was pretty rough, but it was… so good.  I was fortunate to have a chance to do something like that.  I didn’t have to go out of my way for a joke, it was just the right moment at the right time.

Anyways, watching a movie.  Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou.  I won’t go into a full review like I did with the children’s movies.  Thing is, this movie is supposed to be rather underrated.  It’s very artsy. That’s something I’ve been wanting to see.  My favorite quote thus far is when this Italian gentleman asked Bill Murray’s character what the scientific purpose of killing one of an endangered species of shark.  He awkwardly sat there for a moment and said, “Revenge.” I’m reminded that tigers who were wronged would seek revenge.  I read that somewhere on Facebook, probably inaccurate but it’s very likely considering tigers are big housecats.  I feel animals are very human.  I shared yesterday a picture talking about how ravens were trading money for bread.  Or were they crows? Crows.  Still, they are very intelligent creatures.  They understand the value of currency and use it to make purchases.  Very peculiar, no?  And they’re making this trade with humans.  I’m sure it’s not the first time there was an exchange of currency between two different species, but it’s certainly impressive.  Animals can learn such brilliant things.  And I think I mentioned how ants enslave other ant colonies and those slaves sometimes fight back and rebel.

The more we look at the behaviors of animals, the more we’ll see the behaviors of man.  After all, the only thing separating us from the animal kingdom is that we wear pants.  Even then, we always try to find a way to take them off again.

Anyways, the movie is paused right now.  His entirely named crew all wear red hats (or a turban for one character), sort of like a uniform.  The gentleman who died at the beginning, spoilers btw, was named Esteban. Esteban is basically Spanish for Steven (or Stephen, in my case). My mom calls me Esteban, for example.

The artsy style is very peculiar, it’s clear that it’s intentionally like that.  The Crayon Ponyfish Seahorse doesn’t exist, mind you… so I wonder if this is in the head of a child named Steven.  Or perhaps Mr Zissou went crazy and is personifying those around him.  I like this film already because it’s making me think.

So, the creatures are all craft projects, at least from the ones we saw. CGI designed to look like it.  And of course, this documentary is so renowned!  It attracts nobility and one such of these renowned individuals was knighted in Portugal by the Presidente.  I don’t think Portugal knights people, mostly because… well, Presidente. They knight people in the United Kingdom, but they still have an aristocracy.

The way the camera shots are presented, the earlier scene where the documentary’s part one began, it had a very steady shot showing Steve Zissou in the middle of the ocean with red eyes for… hydrogen poisoning or something?  Not sure.  But I feel it’s reminiscent of older movies that fixed their shots on characters crying, even when there is so much movement in the scene itself.  That image would still be very still.

Not sure if that’s related to the theory that this is all in someone’s head.  I mean, the character was splashing and struggling in the water moments prior but everything was calmed and I think even the equipment was removed to show that he had red eye.  Very still.  And with the idea that everyone has a signature red hat and uniform mostly as well as the character who died basically had the same name as the titular character… well, I just feel there is something to that.  Maybe it’ll get revealed.  I’m only like… 15 minutes in maybe? I can’t watch now because my cousin is vacuuming and cleaning.  Honestly, I should clean as well.  I have to clean the bathrooms and do the dishes which was one of the reasons I cooked myself eggs.  May as well if I’ll do the dishes right after, amirite?  But I have plenty of time.  It’s only 6:48 at the time of writing.

I’ll stay up, tend to my chores.  I’ll clean up my workspace down here. I’ll get it organized before tomorrow.  I’ll set an alarm for 10 and wake up relatively early, regardless of how well I sleep.  Which, last night, I didn’t sleep well.  I kept coughing.  And I thought of Esther a lot.  But I coughed more.

When Adela is done vacuuming, I’ll continue the movie.  After the movie, I’ll get to work.

Just finished… it was a good movie.  It was funny yet it was also sad. It was blunt yet it was also sharp.  It was a very surprising movie. Honestly, I don’t care for my theory.  I was enthralled.  It’s a shame the movie was so underrated.  I felt that it was… art.

The Grand Budapest Hotel.  I saw that movie as well, a long time ago.  It was very good.  I’m looking up Wes Anderson films and I was surprised he made that one.  Isle of Dogs is a movie that Wes Anderson is making it seems.  It’s a movie that I wanted to take Esther to, even during the event.  Unfortunately, the fissure was grand enough to drive us apart.  My doing, of course, but still.  I will find the time to go to the theatres.  I shall watch it along, carrying her image in my heart.

We watched… several movies after the event.  Two, both were terrible but fun.  We went to the theatre and everything.  I tried to get her to watch Schindler’s List but… we fell asleep.  We fucked first, but we slept afterwards.  Weird to think about fucking during a holocaust movie.

I don’t remember how it happened.  I was emotional and I was happy to hear she’d give me a second chance.  She read the contract that punished me, of course.  Maybe I was too happy.  Weird, I know.

When I find the chance, I’ll watch the Grand Budapest Hotel again. Netflix doesn’t have it, unfortunately, but it might have a crap version on Youtube.  I’ll give it a look soon.  Adela is doing more chores, I need to go to the bathroom and then do the dishes, and there are fireworks which upsets the brat-dog.

Hrm… I wonder where the word “brat” comes from.  I think it’s German for sausage.  Thus, it’s possible that german parents would call their kids sausages because a lot of English speaking parents refer to their kids similarly.  On my facebook, two sets of parents refer to their daughters as a “bean” and they’re on the other side of the globe from one another, Australia and the United Kingdom. Sausage is sorta similar to a bean, and I guess a baby wrapped up looks similar to a bean/sausage.  Thus, calling someone a brat is just calling them a sausage.  But it’s more calling them a child because the child is a sausage.

To me, of course, brat is a term of endearment.  It’ll probably change to something else later on.  Not necessarily to me but to society’s standards.  The meanings of words tend to bend and evolve, like that. However, when you force a word to change, then the meaning is strengthened.  It must be an accepted change, a natural change. Don’t try to force a word to mean something else.  People will think you’re an idiot.

So, I suspect that in the future, instead of “Brat” people will call other immature people “Beans.”  Interesting theory, eh?

Just spoke to Ariel.  She went out with friends and ended up saving a dog. Not sure if adopted or what.  Sent me a picture of her with this rather large dog.  Hope it’s okay.  Wonder what happened.