#With my track record this might take a while but I'm having so much fun with it haha

[bampayr]

What's up Marilevi Nation. I'm working on a little something something for you 👍😬👍

[w--zii]

a surprise - part two

bf!jihoon x f!reader

[minors dni]

smut warning:usage of words like slut, filthy etc. orgasm control, let me know if theres more.

vc:703

you took a deep sigh as you closed the folder in your hands and checked for the time. your dinner order should be here by any time now. you went to kitchen to have some water and when you came back to lay on your shared bed with jihoon, a notification popped on on your screen from him.

▶️AUDIO—6:24

he must be so bored, you thought, as you clicked on the notfication. how innocent.

hi baby^^ listening to it now<33

:)

he only sent a creepy smile and left you alone with the voice record.

first seconds of the audio were only his breathing, you didn't understand a single thing, just continued listening while your eyes kept a stare on the white ceiling.

"y/n.. a-ahh,"

your tracks stopped after hearing his voice. did he really moan your name? your face and entire body started to warm up, you felt like your heart might melt anytime.

"f–fuck oh, feels so good."

you started to breathe heavily.

"i miss you–ah," his every word ended with a whine or moan, it turned you on more. hearing your name on his lips has a dirty impact on you.

now you can hear his breathe getting faster and his groans deeper by every second. you started to squirm in your place, pressing your thighs together to get some kind of friction, didn’t help much though.

jihoon

one message. and he got you. thinking of how wet you would be right now made his cock twitch in his pants. (yes, again, he was desperate.)

"i s–swear, mhh–if i don't get there asap, my cock is g–gonna fall ah–off"

his words made you chuckle. your right hand reached for your clothed wetness, cupping it. you let out a whimper. jihoon didn’t respond to your message yet, he wants you desperate too.

“y/n, i know you're dripping right now. my filthy slut.”

you kept listening to him as he reached his climax. audio ended, you called jihoon in light speed to ask about the heck he done.

he accepted the call with a smirk on,

“what's up baby?” he's having fun and it's obvious.

“jihoonie... i miss you,” you said in a crying tone, he will help, right?

“mhm, i miss you too. i wish you were here, pretty.”

“i love it when you tease me.”

sudden confess made his heart drop.

“oh? is that so?” his eyes turning dark, he knows what you're trying to do.

“you can wait for me, yeah? beautiful?”

“please...”

“it won't take long i promise, baby.”

you fake cried to him, not trying to be a brat but you needed him, now. your pleas continued and jihoon just listened to you. still smiling to himself.

“y/n, i said no. right? you heard me? no touching to yourself. be a good girl for me, yeah?”

“okay hoonie...” almost whispered to yourself. you lost your voice.

“mhm? couldn't hear you, baby.”

“i'll be your good girl i promise, jihoonie”

he grinned when he heard you, you are all pouty and he knows it.

“good girl, as you should. now i'm gonna go, i need to sleep, okay? i'll call you when i'm done with work tomorrow. good night baby. i love you.”

“love you too jihoonie good night.”

you let out a puff and sulked. “really jihoon...”

as you were making your way to bathroom, to get cleaned up, another notification popped on your screen from him.

baby boy^_^;

would you like to send me a picture of yourself too before we sleep?

i wanna see you without a top on, baby.

you cursed in your breath and removed your shirt, your tits bouncing when they freed.

you took a photo showing off your boobs, lips in a pout, you tried to act angry but failed, he'll find you more cute.

that's my girl, thank you. you look so good baby i missed those tits so much.

if i was there i'd just make you cum only playing with your buds

i bet you're so fucking wet for me right now

filthy girl.

tf jihoon you look so good TT

i miss you i miss you i miss youu

shut up or i'll come untouched😭

bet lol

part 1 | part 2 | part 3

a/n: help i don't like this at all lmaoo TT

not proof read. © w--zii. do not repost.

[spaceorphan18]

Romy Fic: Intrusive Thoughts

Rating: T for suggestiveness and one bare ass ;)

Summary: Taking place during XM #4 post-Basketball game. How exactly does Remy get Rogue to agree to go on a date?

Notes: Next piece in my canon series. Wanted to write about how we got from the charged (literally and figuratively) basketball game to Rogue agreeing to actually go out with him. Thus this scene was born. Also, it was an excuse to write Remy in the shower. ;) Thanks @ludi-ling for the beta!

I decided I'm adding a panel to go along with each entry...

****

Intrusive Thoughts

Remy LeBeau is in the shower, deep in thought.  It had been a hot day but that hadn’t stopped them from playing a good game. It had almost felt like being among friends instead of teammates.  Who would have guessed Jubilee would be good for his ego? And showing up the Wolverine is always a plus.  The physicality had felt good, so much more satisfying than the drills in the Danger Room the professor made them run.  Even as the game intensified, it had all been in playful fun.  They had been accepting of him more than he realized.  

Unintentionally, his mind starts to drift.  Starts to dig around in the dark parts that he prefers to keep hidden.  They tolerate him now, but if they knew…?  There are so many factors that may come into play, so many that may blow over his carefully stacked house of cards.  The Thieves’ Guild, would they take him back? (It’s been long enough - surely they would welcome him home?)  Sinister might want another favor.  (The screams of those poor mutants still keep him up at night).  Belladonna… (He doesn’t want to think of Belladonna… How long has it been since they’ve spoken? How long has it been since they’ve touched…).

He closes his eyes, trying to reach out onto something that isn’t connected to his past.  She is the first thing that enters his mind.  Rogue.   She has been on his mind constantly since he had arrived at the mansion.  A welcome distraction to the darkening intrusive thoughts that have been haunting him lately.  

Stormy had brought him to the X-Men, misguided faith that she had in him. And it’s been nice, for a while, pretending to be the hero.  Pretending that there is some actual good in the world he could do.  Pretending that this might be a family worth keeping.  He knows his track record though, and if he was to be smart about it, he’d take off and not look back.  It’d be better for them in the long run.  Maybe better for him, too.  

For as much as he feels the need to go, he doesn’t. Because she’s there.  A beacon of light enticing him.  A smirk climbs on his lips as he thinks back to the court, about holding her in his arms, about what it would be like if she were really under him.  Or above him.  Or anywhere close to him would do.  The beautiful apple of Eden; forbidden to touch despite knowing how sinfully delicious the taste would be.  He knows better, he does.  But she’s not just another pretty girl.  There’s something more going on with this one.  He just doesn’t know what it is yet.  

…Or maybe he does just have a death wish.  

He turns the shower to cold, needing to cool off.  They are, after all, community showers.  

The sound of a muffled jazz song floats through the air.  Intrigued, he finishes his shower. He then grabs a towel off the rack, giving himself a quick dry down, before wrapping it loosely on his hips.  If he’s hearing it right, the music is coming from the room next door.  And he knows whose that is.  He steals a quick look in the mirror, grinning at his own form, wondering how she will react when she sees him.  

Just his luck, Rogue’s bedroom door is wide open and welcoming.   The stereo on her dresser is playing a slow, soulful tune as she sits curled up on her armchair, reading a book.  She’s changed out of her uniform, and looking relaxed in a pair of sweats and an oversized t-shirt that hangs off one shoulder.  God have mercy on his soul. She doesn’t have to do a thing to be breathtaking.  Wanting her is a constant state he doesn’t mind having to contend with.  

She’s so buried in her book that she doesn’t notice him standing there, casually leaning up against the doorframe.  He takes a moment, just to watch her, just to enjoy the wonderful creature that she is before he lets himself be known.  

“That a good book, chere?” he asks. 

Startled, she looks up, finally noticing he’s there.  Her eyes bulge when she sees him, in shock but not with disinterest.  It’s enough to make him grin wider.  

“Gambit,” she says.  There’s a blush on her cheeks as she turns her head away.  “You have no clothes on.” 

“I was just walking by from my shower,” he says, ignoring her observation.  “And heard Glen Miller on the radio.  Beautiful sounds that old boy makes, I just had to stop and listen.”  He takes a step into the bedroom.  Her eyes narrow, but she doesn’t stop him.  “Surprises me, though.  Figured you’d be the type who’d like something a little more…country.” 

She rolls her eyes at him, but smiles.  “I’m allowed to like more than one thing, you know.” 

“So, country isn’t off the table?” 

She bites her lip, looking towards the ceiling as he walks in a little further.  “What do you actually want, Gambit?” 

He comes in close and leans over, nearly whispering in her ear.  “You already know what I want,” he says.  Her entire body tenses as he lingers over her.  He makes her nervous.  He enjoys that he makes her nervous.  He knows when to push and he knows when to stop.  The fact that she hasn’t kicked him outright from her bedroom is a score for the day.  With Rogue, it’s the long game he’s playing.  “What’s this book that has you so engrossed?” 

“Oh,” she finally faces him, surprised.  “It’s nothing.” 

“A Duchess in Need,” he says, intrigued by the title.  “A romance book?” 

“I doubt you have any real interest in my book.” 

“Nothing wrong with a good romance book.” he licks his lips. “I find them inspiring.” 

“I’m sure you do.” 

“So, you wouldn’t mind me having a look?”  He makes a grab for the book.  She tears it away, just out of reach.  He goes for it again, this time using both hands.  The lunge forward causes the towel drop.  

“Gambit!” she cries, dropping the book in order to cover her eyes.  She’s scandalized but he doesn’t much care as he scoops down to pick up the towel and grab the book.  He loosely holds the towel up to cover himself as he flips open the book.  He knows his ass is hanging bare.  He knows, as she peeks through her fingers, that she can see it in the reflection of the vanity mirror.  He wants her to.  

“Oh, this be a dirty book,” he says, very amused as he starts reading.  “Her lips tremble and quiver with desire…”

“Gambit, give it back.” She jumps out of her seat, attempting to get the book out of his hands.  

“His manhood throbs in her hand...” 

“Gambit, I swear, I’ll…” 

“She finally submits to her lust.” 

“Gimme that.” She finally tears it from his hands, pulling it close to her chest.  “I get that this may seem silly to you, but I’m allowed to enjoy my books.” 

He may have pushed a little too far this time.  She is more closed off than ever, holding herself tightly, her eyes once again looking off in the distance.  Only this time there is anger.  “Chere, this book - it’s no good for you.”  

“Why? Because they should only be reserved for perverts like you?” Her voice is sharp.  Cutting.  

“Because it isn’t real romance,” he says.  It’s the seriousness in his voice that gets her to pay attention.  Up until now it’s been all flirty games and teasing words.  Most women he’s encountered, that’s all they need.  Not Rogue.  She’s going to need more.  How far is he willing to go? He isn’t sure.  But he knows there’s something stirring in his heart.  Something he can’t quite figure out.  

He wants her.  He’s known that much since the day he met her.  But he’s learning he may want all of her.  And that’s a much more dangerous game to play.  

“Like you know what real romance is,” she spits out.  

“I do.”  He takes a moment to pull the towel fully around his hips, securing it tightly.  The gesture is not lost on her.  “We get dressed up nice.  I take you to a nice dinner.  We can find some live jazz and dance in the moonlight.  We can talk…” 

“And then?” 

He gives her a suggestive glance.  “And then I take you home like a proper gentleman.” 

She scoffs at him.  “I doubt that.” 

“Your call, chere.” He plays it nonchalant, but his chips are all in.   

A long moment passes. Her eyes flicker as the wheels turn in her mind. It’s like he can see them. Whatever she’s thinking… 

“Okay,” she says carefully. 

“Okay?” He almost can’t believe it.  

“But if you try anything, I’ll break you in two.” 

“I would expect nothing less.” 

He turns to leave, knowing that her eyes are lingering on him, and smiles.  

[mantequillamcwhoremick]

Is there a both option? I mean the question is how far would Cartman go and risk alienating Kenny and I think the answer is quite a lot and the track record really shows that he can get away with basically anything and not get disavowed from the friend group 🤔 so there isn’t really a disincentive to not try to break them up, especially if he thinks they will eventually get over it and return to status quo.

Though on the other hand I do think it could go the route where depending on what lengths he goes to…while it might not permanently sour any relationship Cartman has with the two boy separately, but I couldn’t say the same with complete confidence for the Kenny and Butters connection. I think if any dysfunction starts interfering with Cartman’s schemes, he might get fed up and try to fix it somewhat 🤔 Although somewhat as a side note though he already spews vitriolic hate speech and slurs, I would have a hard time believing he wouldn’t find some way to take advantage of the Bunny relationship and be more embolden to start saying even darker more heinous stuff because he believes he would receive less push back as *insert sound bite “How can I be homophobic my b*tch is gay🎶” *

(In reference to this poll)

True, Cartman would definitely take advantage of his friends being in a gay relationship to get out of any accusations of homophobia just to spew even more homophobic crap, but while Kenny is arguably closest to him out of the main 4, I kinda feel like he doesn't need KENNY to be the friend he takes advantage of bc of this. He would just as much say this about Stan and Kyle (even if they aren't even together lmao) and he is pretty much canonically 1000% on board with THEM being in a gay relationship (see "Cupid Me" and "Guitar Queero").

Some people reblogged the poll with some interesting takes, and I gotta say what convinced me the most is the fact that Cartman just kinda has it out for Butters at all times lmao. I'm convinced he would think that Kenny can do better, and especially if Kenny started calling Cartman out on how he treats Butters, he'd think Butters is "corrupting" Kenny and trying to ruin his and Kenny's BFF-ship.

The way he reacted in concern about Kenny's girlfriend being a slut who would just "throw his heart in his face" in the episode "The Ring" has me convinced, that Cartman somewhat weirdly cares about Kenny's relationships, and not just in a self-serving way. This isn't in an attempt to alienate Kenny, but rather alienate the potential partner, and we've seen a LOT of instances in which Cartman does not have any qualms about painting Butters as the bad guy and/or someone to be made fun of.

As much as I'd love to advocate for some kind of compassion Cartman could express for Butters, their friendship is just not built on that. Butters and Cartman get along well enough, but only as long as Butters goes along with everything Cartman says. Once he goes against it, Cartman either goes LIVID or completely dismisses/invalidates his concerns. Some good episode where you can conclude this, are "Let Them Eat Goo", "The Death of Eric Cartman", "DikinBaus Hotdogs", "Poor and Stupid", "The Magic Bush", "Tegridy Farms", "Super Fun Time" and about a hundred more, but when I think of Butters & Cartman's friendship these are the ones that first come to mind.

The only instances where he kind of seems to care about Butters' distress in small ways are in "The Magic Bush" and briefly in "Super Fun Time", but it's not significant enough to qualify for the genuine respect I see him show Kenny (or even Stan). I can write a whole essay about the nuance of Cartman and Butters' friendship, but that's for some other time. In short: Cartman really likes having Butters do whatever he says, and Butters doesn't even need to do anything particularly defiant for Cartman to start putting him down (ex. the ending of the "The Death of Eric Cartman" episode.) If Kenny, who is Cartman's weird soft spot, started going against Cartman in favor of Butters, whose established dynamic with Cartman completely benefits him, I can imagine that this would rub Cartman the wrong way.

I could be convinced though, that once Cartman realizes how sad it made Kenny, if (thanks to one of Cartman's schemes) his and Butters' relationship were to not work out, Cartman would begrudgingly take some kind of pity on Kenny (and maybe even Butters) and recognize that being together is what makes them both happy. He then would do another scheme that gets them back together, and "Smug Alert"-esque not want them to know that it's thanks to him hahahh

So yeah, it could be kind of "both", but, in my humble opinion, only AFTER Cartman damages their relationship almost beyond repair in an attempt to keep them apart. Which is why I, personally, would still go for the "manipulative-anti-matchmaker" option. But I purposely didn't add a "both" option bc most people would go for that without thinking it over too much lmao

Thank you so much for the ask anon, sorry for taking so long to respond but you truly made me think about this a lot ahaha this kinda turned into an analysis of the trio more than an answer to your ask, I hope you don't mind. You made my braincells fire off

[thenightfolknetwork]

Turning isn't fun for me. I don't know if it's my particular strain of lycanthropy or if it's just me, but it hurts... a lot. It's really inconvenient.

I can feel the full moon deep in my bones. I've heard others describe it like a buzzing energy, a pinch in your center, or ah, I don't know a restlessness, maybe? It's annoying and a pain to deal with, but ultimately, nothing completely life altering. It's not like that for me.

For me, the moon is a constant ache that grows worse as the month advances. I can feel my bones grinding, twisting, and shuffling around. I've had to make a chart on what times of the month certain foods are dangerous for me to eat because the closer I get to the full, the more canine my insides are.

Now, my pack is incredibly supportive in all this. We've gone to doctors, witches, the fae, you name it, to try and find a way to cope. So far, we can't pin what's wrong, but we've found a way to manage my pain to be somewhat tolerable. My pack is not the problem. My problem is Debbie.

Debbie is a wolf shifter. While her change is influenced by the moon, she has conscious control over when she can shift, and by her own admission, it's virtually painless. She is also my only coworker connected to the community.

It was fine for a while. I thought we'd hit it off. As the only two people of the night, we could support each other like no one else in the job could. We'd trade jokes, cover each other's shifts at work when we weren't scheduled the same day, or just talk. I considered her a friend, or maybe more than, and even talked about introducing my pack to her.

The thing is, due to the nature of my condition, I have to take three days off a month. For years, this set up as been fine. Sure, I get a little less time off than everyone, but I love my job, and it's not like i can really go anywhere, so I don't consider it much of a loss.

But last month, my time off was denied. They wouldn't accept it. I asked if there was anything I could do to get it off, another sick note or something, but they said that they had "investigated" my condition and confirmed with someone else in the community that I was overexaggerating my symptoms. They told me they would let me off with a warning because of my track record, but not to make it a habit.

I was crushed. One of the reasons I love my job is because of their leniency. Without it, I would get burnt out and possibly aggravate my condition.

I told Debbie what happened. It was partly to see if she could cover my shift, but also to warn her to be vigilant and protect herself in case something similar happened to her. It turns out, SHE was the one that claimed my symptoms were overexaggerated! This whole time, she thought I was making out my condition as worse than it is. Her packmates don't have my problems, so clearly I'm just trying weasel in some paid time off.

I was so, so angry. I shouldn't have yelled, but my pain, both mind and body, was excruciating, and I couldn't take it anymore. I think I got the point across, though. By the time one of my packmates came to pick me up, she looked absolutely wrecked.

It's been a month and we haven't spoken outside of work related things. I'm currently looking for a new job because even with paid time off, my condition is slowly eating into it. Plus, I have a life outside of my job and would like to spend time with my pack.

But I don't want to leave Debbie on a sour note. I might not trust her like I used to, but she was a friend. With me leaving, She'll be the only person of the night in the job. I feel guilty leaving her by herself.

So, how do I approach this? She broke my trust, but we have too much history for me to feel comfortable leaving without saying anything.

How can I talk to her without getting hurt? Is that even possible anymore?

I'll get to the final part of your question in just a moment, reader. First, I want to address some of the issues you've raised about your workplace.

You say that, because you take three sick days a month, you get less holiday than your co-workers. From this, I am inferring that you are taking these days off as holiday rather than sick leave. Which raises a great many questions about their refusal to grant you leave on the grounds of this so-called “investigation” of your condition.

Your employer is entitled to refuse you leave, but they can only turn down those requests on reasonable grounds, and they cannot refuse to give you your leave entirely. This refusal does not seem to be made on the grounds of any clear business grounds – they haven't cited understaffing as the reason, for example.

In fact, any business concerns they might cite are clearly unsubstantiated. You've been working there for years, with no evidence at all that this time off has affected the business. And if they have no business grounds on which to refuse you, you're entitled to take that time off as you wish.

Instead, your employers have refused you on the grounds of their so-called “investigation” of your health condition, thereby treating your holiday leave as sick leave. If this time off is sick leave, they need to do far more than asking the opinion of some random person of the night. To deny you sick leave, they must conduct a proper investigation into your condition and take the actual medical evidence into account.

There is a wealth of medical evidence that somatic transformation is a radically varied phenomenon, and chronic, painful transformations are well-documented as a real medical concern. This is not to mention the evidence you've accrued over the years of your own efforts to find treatment for your condition.

In short, they have no grounds to refuse you this time off. If you really don't want to leave that place of work, you need to stand your ground and push for the leave you're entitled to. Speak to your manager, and make it clear that you know your rights and are willing to escalate the matter as necessary to see that those rights are respected.

I also strongly recommend you speak to this manager about the obvious lack of professionalism shown by discussing your private medical issues with another employee. As well as being a violation of your privacy, it's also demonstrates an appalling lack of respect for liminal identities and the diversity of experiences within the community.

In short, reader, put the fear of God into them. With any luck, you'll be able to keep your job and your time off, and find the balance you need to manage your condition in a healthy, sustainable way.

As for Debbie, that's really up to you. You say you don't know how to speak to her without getting hurt, but that's not something you can control. There is nothing you can do to ensure she won't say something at best thoughtless, and at worst, actively hurtful. All you can do is brace yourself for the possibility, and plan for how you can look after yourself if she does end up hurting you.

To be frank, however, I'm not sure she deserves it. She's undermined your trust and forsaken any right to your time and energy. Talk to her if you really want to, but I think you'd be well within your rights to draw a line under that relationship and concentrate on relationships that centre respect and mutual care – or at the very least, a modicum of solidarity.

[For more creaturely advice, check out Monstrous Agonies on your podcast platform of choice, or visit monstrousproductions.org for more info]

[bitchliteraria1906]

Very random headcanons for the dokis living together (take this as poly dokis or friendship, idc)

Tw for small references to depression, disordered eating, self harm and implied abuse.

•They have a chore board to keep track of everything and remember who's doing what. It was Monika's idea and it works pretty well.

•One of the things they learn to memorize rather quickly is each other's eating habits. Sayori comfort eats, Natsuki often stops eating when stressed due to old habits from when she still lived with her dad, Yuri is picky due to sensory issues with texture (autistic Yuri!) and Monika literally forgets to eat if she's working too hard on something. They have each other's needs memorized, keep each other's preferences in mind when buying snacks and coax each other into better habits.

•Speaking of food, Natsuki is the chef, Monika is the second best cook and Sayori and Yuri are... not good. They're trying to learn though!

•There's a significant amount of pride merch around the house.

•Each of them has their own room!

•Sayori's walls are pastel blue and she painted little clouds on it. She also has plushies pretty much everywhere, and tries to sleep with all of them in the bed. Her bedside table is full of origami, always has some water so that she doesn't need to get up if she gets thirsty at night (she has spilled said water on her origami creations and ruined them more than once) and there's 3 drawers for different purposes: the "Fun drawer" has things she needs for her hobbies and little trinkets, the "Emergency drawer" has bandages and painkillers (since she hurts herself all the time by being clumsy) and the "Feelings drawer" has poems, notes with silly jokes or positive affirmations and pretty much anything that could either lift her spirits or help her feel enough to cry and let things out.

•Natsuki's walls are pastel pink and filled with posters of characters and artists she likes. She has a lot of fandom merch, as well as a full gaming pc set up (yes, even cat ears headphones). She also owns a heart shaped mirror, a hello kitty night light and her door has these "Don't disturb", "My room, my rules" signs but with more agressive wording and in pastel colors because she thinks mixing agressiveness with a softer look is funny.

•Yuri probably has the most "atmospheric" room by far. I'm talking scented candles, poterry decorations and such. Her walls are black, which makes her the only one who didn't go with her favorite color (her favorite is purple). Her reasoning is that it makes her feel grounded and sleep better. She has transparent boxes for her knive collection, an altar with crystals and one of her walls is full of polaroids, including photos of the club as well as photos of nature, architeture she found pretty and much more (pushing the "Yuri is into photography" agenda). And of course, books everywhere.

•Monika had the most trouble with her room because she never had the time to think much of it? Like, she had an idea of how she would organize it but decoration was tricky. After a while, she decided to paint the walls an earthy shade of green and get a bed curtain. She also has plants (plant mom Monika, anyone?), her piano and a record player. The only thing on her walls for a while were post its with little reminders, but then she managed to get her hands in some cool images and paintings. Her desk has a mug full of different pens and she has a mat that is white and fluffy.

•Don't be fooled, having cool rooms doesn't stop them from falling asleep in each other's rooms or together in the couch pretty often.

•They have movie nights weekly and take turns picking movies.

•Yuri genuinely tries to stop self harming, and the others help endlessly. There's a silent rule of not leaving Yuri alone for too long in days when she seems too tense, and instead offer to take her to a calming walk or anything else that might help her gather her thoughts.

•In fact, there's a lot of unspoken rules in the house.

•Another big one is not letting Monika overwork, and reminding her to take breaks when she's studying or preparing projects for the club.

•There's also "Don't question Sayori's sudden mood swings or innability to get out of bed, just help". They often bring her water and snacks on bed and remind her that they're there if she needs to vent. She rarely ever does that, but it's still nice to see how much they care.

•And of course, "Don't mention Natsuki's dad and what she went through with him unless it's 100% necessary or she brings it up herself". Of course all of them notice how Natsuki often flinches at loud voices, or how she still feels the need to hide her manga collection and other stuff sometimes, but they don't point it out. Instead, they just silently remind her that she's safe by lowering their voices when they startle her, giving her space when she wants, not going through her stuff, etc.

•They often find themselves copying each other or getting into each other's interests. Some months of living together and suddenly Monika is watching kids cartoons because of Sayori, Natsuki is getting into horror, Sayori sometimes finds herself copying Yuri's stims (she feels super bad because she doesn't want Yuri to think she's mocking her but Yuri actually finds it kind of endearing).

•Sharing clothes. Natsuki specifically is a certified clothes thief.

•Holidays are always cool, especially christmas and halloween. Decorations, fitting music, food and movies, all that stuff.

•Halloween specifically was a bit difficult the first time around because Yuri and Monika wanted to stay home and watch horror movies while Sayori and Natsuki wanted to trick or treat (Sayori because fun and candy and Natsuki because she worked hard on the costume). Yuri was anxious about talking to random people and Monika was tempted but thought they were too old for trick or treating, but they do end up going and having a lot of fun (the four of them still watched the horror movies when they got home though).

•They're all planning on starting therapy.

•"How do they get their money?" What are you, a cop?/j. I don’t know either, I need to think of job headcanons or something.

[bybdolan]

quick ttpd thoughts

ok so. i did listen to a leak so I had time to sit with the OG album for a while. I have not yet listened to all the Anthology tracks, but this not-doing of something is part of my album reaction. Bear with me.

First of all: I am insanely impressed with Taylor for being this raw and messy on record. More distinguished haters have said that this album once again feels like self-mythologizing, but I personally do not agree. User dancefloors had an excellent take on this: the album is emotional and messy to a degree where you feel like you should not be listening to it. At least that's how I felt.

However, that also has a downside. I find many of the lyrics, especially on the standard edition, to be unpolished or downright cringe. This rambl-y first draft type of writing might work for other artists, but I never feel like it works for Taylor. The second line of Fortnight is so awful that I was CONVINCED the leak I heard was AI, and people have talked at length about the tattooed Golden Retriever. Girl. Almost every song had an insane clunker or two hidden in it. This is not helped by what I personally (!) perceive to be a bit of a rehashing of imagery and themes that have been prominent in songwriting trends for the past few years. Killing the woman you are jealous of, Cassandra, religious imagery .... Don't get me wrong, I think the call for "originality" at al costs can be detrimental to art, but frequently with this album i felt as if lines were haparzadly chosen to fit a certain "aesthetic" that didn't mesh well with the rest of the song. Like. Nothing about "my husband's cheating. I wanna kill him." communicates any deeper emotion. (Compared to e.g. Samia's "I hope you marry the girl from your hometown and I'll fucking kill her and I'll fucking freak out.")

The introductory poem is one of the worst things i have ever read.

The thing is. I don't always do well with new releases, they are overwhelming, etc., but I listened to the first four tracks and was like "how can anybody think this is good". Which IS a hater take, and there is much I do enjoy about the album, and I am happy others like it.But with the already present repetition PLUS 15 Tracks .... it is a bit too much. I could go on and on about the repetition of words and themes that feels a bit trite (smalltown stuff, "starry-eyed", "precocious"), but I don't wanna. I wish there had been more editing, and I think I have talked at length before about how I do not like this new era of just putting out everything.

Alas. I did not click with this album and there are very few tracks i want to go back to. So Long, London is a favorite because of the concise lyrics and beautiful production, I can bop to Down Bad, but daddy I love him is fun imagery-wise, Clara/Sam/Sophia/Marcus is sad and also. A Lot., So High School, and I dig "You're not Dylan Thomas, I'm not Patti Smith, this ain't the Chelsea Hotel, we're modern idiots". The 2am tracks need more attention, but I already like Looking Into Windows (?) much more than a lot of other tracks - generally, I enjoy the more genuinely sad Joe tracks about the slow demise of a relationship much more than the fast paced high strung ones.

anything else .... well. I don't know.

[goodbysunball]

August 2024: Habitual socialite

Another delay-ridden post, this one gestating for about a month now, or at least mid-July's when I took the picture above.

Lucky for you there's a fix: Doug Mosurock, formerly of @still-single, is back up and running reviews at Heathen Disco. Doug's the real deal, an obvious influence on this withering Tumblr blog, and his short/sweet review digest, delivered once or twice a week, is well worth a (free, for now) subscription. The onslaught of reviews have hipped me to that CHBB reissue, and I'm sure there'll be a bunch more.

Onto the records, heavy on the punk and hardcore this round ---

Bad Breeding, Contempt LP (Iron Lung/One Little Independent)

Bad Breeding are back to crash your dinner party, armed with exhaustive pamphlets and not letting up on arguments about housing crises well past the point of decor. They have been singularly adept at cataloging the damaged, bleak, backwards, corrupt and blind state of the world, and have done so across a set of blistering LPs and their accompanying essays. Exiled is still my favorite, but I thought the band stumbled a bit on the follow-up Human Capital. The long tracks on Human Capital feel every bit their length, but listening back today, I think "Joyride," "Arc Eye" and "Straw Man" buoy the album with ease around the title track and "Rebuilding." Contempt could be considered a much sharper version of Human Capital, ripe with feedback, near-metal riffing and righteous fury as before, but still extending track lengths with mixed results. The best part of the album, and maybe of Bad Breeding's discography to date, is "Liberty" into "Discipline": the former cold-worked into a frenzied noise over two pummeling minutes, and the latter doing the most with drums, feedback and barked vocals, fighting desperately against being swallowed whole. While they don't touch that peak again on the album (and not many could), "Temple of Victory" and "Vacant Paradise" are furious pounding tracks that, when isolated from the album, pack some real heat. Over the course of the record, the band's relentless sound can wipe out distinctions between tracks, or worse, as on the second half of "Guilded Cage / Sanctuary," drag the momentum to a complete halt. Those minor quibbles shouldn't deface what is an album full of the mid-tempo, bass-heavy, feedback-laden hardcore I'd prefer to hear, and in any case "Guilded Cage" fuckin' smokes. I'd take an album full of "Survival"s or "Retribution"s if it meant more punks railing against the systems in place as Bad Breeding so fervently advocates, rather than against like-minded (or not) peers. Maybe Contempt is asking too much of the discerning public, or maybe the earnestness is a turnoff, because the record can feel easy to dismiss as too reflective of what we can read about or experience without much effort every day. But there remains a fire within the record that feels vital, even if it's not the soundworld I want to enter every day. I think it's one of the best records of the year, not because it has to be, but because the band clawed and teared their way there, producing a ferocious album/package that digs deeply into the late-stage capitalist system we all suffer from. Contempt's not the solution, but it might well inspire it.

Klonns, Heaven LP (Iron Lung/Black Hole)

The most recent Deep Voices post had an interesting dive into perfection vs. originality in music, and Heaven is swinging for perfection in a genre more often satisfied with filth and murk. Here's a rare hardcore record that sounds polished, barely smudged with experimental touches on the edges, and emerging fully formed and fun as hell. Now labeling their sound "The new wave of Japanese hardcore," Klonns are near-bulletproof across Heaven, so much so that I somehow don't mind when they pull out a "GO!" vocal command every track. Gruff, raspy but still intelligible vocals sit comfortably on top of near-metallic riffs and drums that flash just enough to make sure you keep a distance. The resulting sound is roomy and comfortable, like an old hoodie, but with the sleeves cut off and reeking of VFW hall floors. I'll point you straight to "Beherit"/"Realm," the breakdown on the former serving as a primer for the guest vocals of Sailor Kannako ripping apart the end of the latter. The bruising riff at the end of "Nemesis" or the finale to "Replica" sound like a finely honed point rather than emulation: this is a band focused on what makes hardcore vital to them and executing it nearly flawlessly. The electronic intro/outro portions are nice touches to bookend an LP's worth of evidence of what a supportive punk scene can produce when everyone's aimed in the same direction. Sick and wildly unpretentious LP, beautifully packaged and bursting at the seams with music that begs to be experienced live. Maybe someday, but for now, this'll do.

Osbo, s/t 7" (Blow Blood)

A "gritty, modern classic of a hardcore record" you say? I'm as numb to label write-ups for their own records as anyone at this point but that's still a bold gambit to throw down, along with the Cold Sweat RIYL, but Blow Blood rules so here I am. I don't really think many have come close to Blinded except for that way under-appreciated Pious Faults LP, but the sound and attitude on Osbo earn that Cold Sweat comparison. I'll leave it to the real hardcore scholars as to the rest. The band previously released a demo back in the first wave of the Covid pandemic, which I am forgiving myself for missing, but might have to cop after hearing this EP. The vocalist is what sells it here, going full ugly for the duration, the kind of hardcore that would've lit up message boards back in the mutated reign of bands like Twin Stumps or Mayyors. Still works today, especially as a companion to that Bad Breeding LP, feral and ugly hardcore sagging under its own weight, probably causing the rooms they play in to sway like a ship in rough waters. I think "Say It to My Face" is the best track here, but it's hard to deny the nearly side-long "Time," a plodding, abrasive four-plus minutes that basically serves as a perfect showcase for the band's strengths: bass up front, uncomfortably ringing guitar, and the finest "AUGHHHH" I've heard in a minute. That track's worth the price of admission alone, and the artwork/design is aces, too. One hundo copies only, so go scoop yours from Sorry State (they still have the demo tape, too) posthaste.

Shop Regulars, s/t LP (Merrie Melodies)

Another fine recommendation from Matt K.'s Yellow Green Red here, the debut LP of Shop Regulars after a handful of limited, self-released cassettes that you or I will assuredly not own. That's just as well, because the LP's got plenty to unpack. The band sounds like prime Julian Casablancas fronting Horse Lords (or whatever rigidly asymmetric rock band you'd like) covering the Fall, all disjointed rhythms and knotty guitars paving a path for the most unbothered vocals. You'd be forgiven if you're conjuring visions of bands like Dirty Projectors or other lauded indie bands that felt like homework to listen to from that ill-fitting descriptor, but it gives twice what it takes and even tiptoes into spine-tingling on the 11+ minutes of "Emerson Run Down." The two guitars calling back-and-forth in the middle of that track gets me every time, even though you know where it's going, and it sounds like the rest of the band falls into place in real time and thankfully captures it all on tape. The whole record has this loose-but-tight feel, which in the wrong hands can feel very annoying, but here it's anchored by the performances of the patient vocalist and the drummer ready to fill any available void. Doesn't mean the drummer has to work overtime: the restraint on "7 Winds," which utilizes repetition like The Double, chases the spiraling cut-short guitar riff ad nauseam. There is a bed of real feeling here, not the robotic core that bands trafficking in uncomfortable time signatures, repetition and overlapping movements often do. It all makes Shop Regulars surprisingly durable, even helping me maintain a cool head in unbearable traffic earlier this week. Somehow a portion of the 200 copies are still readily available from the link above, but I can't imagine that'll be the case for long.

Sin Tax, Abnegation 7" (Miracle Cortex)

To the point: here's a 7" record packed with hardcore played at the pace of grindcore, draped in the sneering, smoldering frenzy of first-LP Kriegshög. Sin Tax have dropped my favorite 7" since Healer's Resurgence EP a few years ago, taking the torch of Straightjacket Nation and driving straight toward Valhalla. The vocals take a page out of DX's book, which I'm guessing most don't do because of health or safety concerns, and the band cuts all fat and likely into some blood vessels in service of making this as lean and feral as possible. Only "Dog Eat Dog" lets you come up for air, but good luck getting past all the flailing arms, let alone the razor-wire riff of the title track on the first side. Flattened me the first time and now probably the twentieth time I've listened to it; shouldn't be surprised given as it's from the label that released that under-the-radar Execution 7". Still available from the label for about $20 shipped to the U.S., and I'm available to tell you how dumb it is to spend that money elsewhere. "YOU ALREADY PAY."

[autisticlalna]

okay. so. i need you guys to bear with me here. also like all of this is speedcore so while i personally don't consider these "as intense" as the typical examples of the genre it might still be overwhelming for people that don't vibe with it. anyway--

here is some history: the album Wanderlust by The Quick Brown Fox is one of my favorite albums of all time. it's very much because of nostalgia reasons, but it's just- okay, i can't get into it, it'll make this post longer than it's already gonna be. but there's two relevant tracks here: the title track Wanderlust, and the track Just Hesitation.

Wanderlust is the title track, and kinda embodies this specific era of TQBF in general. (fun fact: i nearly was in the chorus for this, but i wasn't able to record myself singing at the time. I'm filled with wanderlust / my dreams are running circles / I want to wake up smiling) asides from the choir, basically all the vocals in it are synthesized, including using a Speak N' Spell that in the fandom got kinda headcanoned as TQBF-the-character's voice. (Now spell: You are someone, warm, beauty, terror, sugar, danger.)

Just Hesitation, meanwhile, is centered around a sample from The Island by Pendulum. specifically it hones in on the line "What are you waiting for?". (What are you waiting for? / As you drag me down / What are you waiting for?) it's the final track that closes out the album, it's... it's good.

Just Hesitation is also one of the songs that gets remixed by other Lapfox aliases a few times. it in itself is a rework/sequel to the song No Hesitation off the album before Wanderlust! the Jackal Queenston Remix is pretty good, honestly, and smooths out the speedcore-ness a bit for a more low-key experience. if you wanna just Hear The Song i'd recommend listening to this version.

specifically, though, i want to call attention to a certain remix from 5 years later.

Just Hesitation (HES3 Edit) is... i think currently the most recent version? it takes after the Jackal Queenston Remix a lot, while bringing back the energy of the original. it also has the chorus from Wanderlust. (I'm filled with wanderlust / What are you waiting for? / My dreams are running circles / What are you waiting for? I want to wake up smiling) and then finally closes out with the return of the Speak N' Spell from Wanderlust (That is right. You are correct.) and one last repeat of "What are you waiting for?"

...and then "For, as in: For someone."

I. OKAY. THIS IS THE PART I CANNOT EXPLAIN MY EMOTIONS ON VERY WELL. but the integration of Wanderlust's chorus and then the clarification of the repeated question in every version of Just Hesitation is... it's something i think about a lot. i have already done A (Less Coherent) Version Of This Infodump to some friends because when i start talking about lapfox i always end up drifting back to Just Hesitation and its evolution

anyway, the reason why i'm dumping all of this info on here instead of on my main is because i think Just Hesitation (HES3 Edit) is a Navigator song. something about the blend of Wanderlust into it and that final post-script. i want to wake up smiling. that is right, you are correct. what are you waiting for? for, as in: for someone.

[whentherewerebicycles]

okay. i promised myself i would do some long reflective journaling to sort through some Big Feelings and I keep kicking the can down the road because idk sometimes you don't want to sort through the Big Feelings in case you don't like what you find there. but I have a morning of uninterrupted time and I am in a good headspace and I think I will just write through some stuff under the cut.

it sure looks like i might be having a baby next summer, which means that things are moving out of the hypothetical realm and into the realm of being Very Real. so i am experiencing the expected levels of "oh shit oh shit oh shit i am about to be responsible for a living being???" that i imagine all prospective parents experience. more than that, though, i think i am having to confront the reality of single parenthood in a more emotional way than i was expecting! and this is partly because it might be about to become real for me, but also because some people i love very much who are very close to me are pregnant now too, and i am watching them live an experience of pregnancy that is very different from the one i've had thus far and much closer to the socially "normal" path. and i think that is surfacing some unexamined and semi-unexpected feelings of grief/loss for me as well as a complicated mix of horrible bridge troll jealousy feelings. i want to write through some of that so i can get a better handle on what i'm feeling instead of letting the big emotions unexpectedly avalanche over me at random times.

let me think first about my own experience of getting pregnant.

I'm glad I am pregnant and I am extra, extra grateful that things are going well thus far after experiencing a pregnancy loss this summer that kind of turned me inside out for a while. I also know that despite how excruciatingly drawn-out this process has felt, I was able to get pregnant a lot faster/easier than many people are and I don't take that for granted. but man oh man I think getting pregnant via assisted reproduction can really fuck with your head and heart in ways I wasn't anticipating when I started this process a little over a year ago. everything is so intensely medicalized. my life has just been going to appointments and getting ultrasounds and having blood drawn and giving myself hormone shots and undergoing painful medical procedures and healing from an emergency surgery and reading medical journals and swallowing pills and recording symptoms in a tracking journal. I don't feel like I've spent this year preparing for and then actively trying to conceive a child; i feel like I've spent this year receiving intensive treatment for a medical condition (not being pregnant) that requires obsessive anxious monitoring and might be rooted in some deeper flaw or failing in my body. almost no part of this experience has felt private, intimate, precious, spontaneous, joyful, sacred, sexy, or fun in any way. it's all felt mediated by doctors and by an incredibly expensive industry that jacks up the prices knowing most people going this route don't have an alternative (because they're gay or they're single or they have medical conditions that impact their ability to conceive naturally). and the ectopic pregnancy just like intensified and heightened all of that, because all of a sudden i DID have a life-threatening medical condition and all that obsessive monitoring WAS justified and my body HAD fucked up, and everyone afterwards spent a lot of time warning me i'd need to subject myself to even closer monitoring next time because i was at increased risk of it happening again.

idk man it's just been a lot!!!!!! and i think that even though early on I was like "i'm going to try to carve out some part of this experience that can be just mine, separate from the medical aspects of assisted conception," i just kind of failed at doing that. i don't think it's my "fault" or whatever, because idk, there's a lot of cultural pressure to medicalize and pathologize and turn our bodies over to doctors or whatever, and it's hard to swim against the current, especially when you are stressed and spending a lot of money and willing to do whatever an expert tells you to do if it'll get you the thing you want so badly. so i don't blame myself but i also have to acknowledge that i haven't had a very positive experience of trying to get pregnant and i think that the single precious, sacred moment of this whole entire year was when that very kind very gruff tech let me watch the heartbeat on the ultrasound right before the surgery and then went to get warm blankets from the dryer to wrap me in. and maybe also the night that my mom and i had the little burial in the woods. that was it, those were the only sacred moments, and they were moments of deep and wrenching grief, not of joy. even finding out i was pregnant again only a few months after the loss wasn't really a moment of uncomplicated joy, because i was so immediately consumed by anxiety and so instantly sucked back into the vortex of endless medical monitoring. so idk i think i have some unresolved grief around the experience of trying to conceive/early pregnancy i got compared to the one i might've hoped for.

when i found out my SIL was pregnant, in the immediate aftermath of my own loss and on the same timeline i would've been on, i just spent a long time feeling like the most horrible bridge troll version of myself i could possibly imagine. i was just eaten up inside with jealousy and it wasn't just that she was having a joyful, healthy, uncomplicated experience of pregnancy while i was healing from a very raw and painful loss. it was also this feeling that like, she was supposed to be pregnant, she was expected to be pregnant, and the whole world was smiling joyfully upon her pregnancy, and everything was unfolding smoothly for her in ways that it hadn't for me. they're young, they're married, they own a house, they have two good incomes and will easily be able to support a family, she's thin and blond and very pretty, and (while i don't know this for sure) it seemed like they got pregnant for free on almost the first attempt, on the exact schedule they'd decided they wanted to have their first baby. and idk just watching my parents excitedly prepare for their first grandkid and make all these plans for how they'd be involved and coming out to tour fancy daycares with them just sucked! you can be so happy and excited for someone you love and also you can feel like the bitterest, ugliest, most horrid little bridge troll inside. i just felt like, i'm going it alone, i'm older and i have fertility issues that might make it impossible for me to do this, i make less money, i'll never own a house, i don't have a partner, blah blah blah, and even though most of those things are choices i've made about the type of life i want to live, it just felt like... idk. i was just eaten up inside by jealousy!!!! like i know nothing about their experience of trying to conceive or what her experience of pregnancy has been like so far, but my ugly inner troll voice was like, why was it so easy for them and hard for me, why did i have to pour $15,000+ into this process, why did they get to have fun joyful let's-create-a-future-together sex while i had to go to a doctor every other week to get stuck with needles and prodded with ultrasound wands and have an insanely painful cramp-inducing dye injected into my fallopian tubes, and why, WHY did our babies conceived at almost exactly the same time have such different fates.

i mean the answer is just like, this is the world we live in! this is the reality of being a queer person and an unpartnered person who wants a family! these are the life choices we make! this is the randomness of conception outcomes and a healthy dose of plain bad luck! but it was hard (and is hard) to not internalize the differences as like, something is Wrong With Me and something is Right With Them. and i think on the most basic level i was just jealous of their shared joy, and was feeling the ache of, i'm in this by myself, i have to weather this loss by myself, i am the only person who cares about this as deeply as i do. and of course that wasn't wholly true, of course i had my mom and my sister and my closest friends who grieved with me and took such good care of me, but idk. i think it stirred up some feelings about being unpartnered for me that i hadn't really examined all that closely before.

and i think... like... i think that is probably the other big piece that i am going to have to spend time grappling with, maybe for a long time, maybe for the rest of my life! with my students, we often talk about the idea of animating questions, like the big preoccupations you find yourself wrestling with again and again, these questions that won't ever be resolved because they don't have a simple or straightforward answer. they are questions you don't ever answer once and for all, but wrestling with them over the years is what gives shape and meaning to your life as a person on a quest for purpose, for clarity, for deeper understanding. i am carving out a life path for myself that looks different from most of the people around me and i think that sometimes i really really wrestle with the question of, like, does this path represent a failure or a choice? and if i have chosen this path have i made that choice out of cowardice or from a place of strength?

i still have to untangle what i mean here or what i feel around this, but i think like... i don't know... i don't really crave partnership, i don't feel its absence in my adult life, i have cared deeply about past romantic partners as people but i have always felt immensely relieved when relationships end because i get my own space & life back, and i feel like almost all of my human emotional needs for connection are met through my friendships and my work. i like sex and i like the idea of a live-in best friend but i also feel pretty sure that modern dating on the apps is not the avenue through which i would find that person and i don't really know of other ways to go about building relationships like that at this stage in my life. but idk man the cultural PRESSURE you feel to do the expected life path thing is immense!!!! and i think that while most of the time i'm able to set that pressure aside and just live my life, the decision to have a child on my own suddenly reignites all of those uncertainties and some of that shame around like, why isn't this a thing i want, does it mean i am emotionally stunted in some way, will it impact my ability to parent well, blah blah blah.

i suspect i will spend a LOT of time in this next chapter of my life trying to untangle those feelings, so i am not going to put too much pressure on it now!! i just want to begin naming them so they aren't just like, swirling around in the back of my mind seeping into everything. i think what i can say definitively right now is this:

i have never felt a strong impulse towards or yearning for romantic partnership, and thinking about dating mostly just makes me feel tired and like i would be doing it for other people, not for myself. if i really think about it, i can imagine myself in a shared partnership with someone who shares my interests and values and sense of humor, but i truly can't imagine getting there through hinge or bumble or whatever. maybe that is where the sense of tiredness comes from when i think about dating, lol.

that said... i HAVE, for a very long time, felt a very strong impulse towards becoming a parent. i feel nervous about this (money! time! blowing up your life! being responsible for a small person!) but i feel no ambivalence towards it, you know? i want to be a parent and i think i'll be good at being a parent (i mean i am sure i will also feel like i am a Very Bad Parent for much of the time as that seems to be a feature of parenting, but on the whole i feel confident in my ability to provide the love and stability and structure necessary to raise a reasonably happy, well-adjusted kid). i have never been able to imagine a life where i do not become a parent by some route and i feel a deep, wrenching sadness when i imagine a life where i don't raise a family.

i think the sense of total clarity and joy i feel around the choice to parent vs. the profound ambivalence i feel around the idea of dating signals something important! but it is just challenging, you know, to carve out a life for yourself that goes a little or a lot against the grain of what other people's lives look like and what people think would make you happy. i know i am very VERY lucky that over the past five-ish years my parents have gone from being extremely skeptical or worried about my life path to 10000000% supportive and on board and ready to help me make it work. but i also just think i gotta wrestle with the cultural demons in my own head/heart you know!! i am going to have to work hard to get to the point where i feel really secure in my choices!! i know that the horrid bridge troll feelings about other people conceiving easily in the context of happy marriages are normal and okay to feel - it's just human to wish that your own journey was easier, simpler, cheaper, less painful. but i also think that, as liz says all the time, security (in yourself and in your choices) is a gift you give to yourself and everyone around you. i might not be there yet, but i want to work hard to get to a point where i am so secure in the choices i have made that i can experience other people's experiences and choices as simply theirs, not as a reflection or a shaming judgment on mine. i want to be able to say, i am so happy for you, and i am also so happy for me, because we have both worked hard to create the lives we needed and wanted for ourselves, and now we get to live in them. I want to know with total certainty that I, not other people, get to decide what my life means.

but also.... i want to think of this journey not just in terms of Struggling to Make Peace With My Choices but also in terms of like... sometimes taking a different path can produce unexpected joys that people on the regular path won't get to experience. for instance, i can already tell that my mom and my sister are going to be incredibly involved in raising my kid, and that my parents are going to feel an extra sense of responsibility to provide my child with a life that is incredibly rich and full of love. so i am going to have a life that is rich in family relationships, maybe richer than it would've been if i was part of a traditional nuclear family unit. i am going to have to learn to depend on and lean on other people in wholly new ways, which will challenge me (a person who tends towards insularity and independence) to really stretch and grow. i am also going to get to have a different experience of parenting in the home! i am going to have to learn to work things out with my kid without another adult there to help mediate conflicts. we are going to have to figure out how to be a good, functioning team because we are going to have to share responsibility differently than in a two-parent household. and i hope that through this experience i also get to meet and talk with other single parents (something tumblr has already allowed me to start doing!), and i get to develop a deeper, richer understanding of alternative family structures and life paths that don't look like other people's.

i want to be honest: there is some real grief there! i have chosen a life that is different than the one i hazily imagined for myself as a younger person... and already that has meant that i've had a very different experience of trying to conceive/being pregnant than the people closest to me, which has sometimes felt very painful and lonely. and i imagine that as i navigate parenting i will have to keep grappling with the grief of like, living in a culture where it's not "normal" to parent alone, where other people will judge the choices i make, and where i will be missing out on some of the joys of shared childraising i see other people around me experiencing. but i don't know i guess i just have faith in my ability to make meaning out of my life, and i think that the grief will be counterbalanced by joys i'm not able to anticipate from this vantage point because i haven't lived them yet.

and also if i stop for a second and think: would i rather not go down this path at all? the answer comes back to me so clearly and so immediately. of course not. i want you so badly, little seahorse. i'm so ready for you to come into my life. i'm ready to shed my old self, my old life, and become somebody wholly new, in a wholly new relationship with a wholly new human being. hey! i love you! come here and be my baby!

[f1-stuff]

for the wip asks: the mechanic au 👀 there is no where near enough mechanic aus and a charlos one sounds INCREDIBLE.

(P.S. i actually love ur blog. you always make me laugh 🫶)

🥹 Aw, I'm glad!! Thank you for sending an ask! This was actually one of my first F1 WIPs, but it was requiring sooo much research that I took a break that turned into a complete abandonment. But hopefully, I'll go back to it one day!

Here's a little snippet I wrote for Charles' first day in the paddock 💪

The only word his brain has the capacity for after the first day is tired. 

The minute they land in Melbourne, they’re heading to the track to begin setting up the garage for the arrival of the cars. Charles gets issued a full team kit, including socks with the Ferrari logo. As soon as he puts them on, he finally feels like it’s real. It’s really happening.

“You’re, Charles, yes?” one of the mechanics asks him in Italian while they’re setting up. “From Monte Carlo?”

He nods. “Yes, nice to meet you...”

“Alessandro. But you can call me, Alé. I believe we’re roommates.”

“Nice to meet you, Alé,” Charles says, shaking his hand. The other man seems young, but still older than Charles. “What do you do?”

“I’m a gearbox mechanic,” Alé says, smiling. “And I operate the front-right gun for the pit. My first race was Melbourne in 2017. So I know what you’re feeling right now.”

“And what am I feeling?” Charles asks, arching a brow in challenge.

“Scared as shit,” Alé says, grinning. Charles laughs, but he doesn’t have the heart to correct him. He’s not scared - if anything, he’s the most ready he’s ever felt. But he doesn’t think anyone would believe him if he said so. “Your Italian is not bad.” 

Charles knows this means it’s quite good, otherwise Alé wouldn’t have said anything. “I’ve been learning since I was a child.” Alé nods.

“Is it ‘Sharl’ or ‘Charles’?” Alé asks, pronouncing it with and without the ‘s’ sound at the end.

“Either is okay,” he says, shrugging. “I like both.”

“Well, you’re very easygoing,” Alé says, chuckling. “Very polite.” Charles smiles, but it occurs to him that maybe he’s being made fun of. He brushes it off though, focusing back on what he’s doing.

Everything, of course, becomes even more real when the cars arrive and he has to begin his real work. He’s been assigned especially to the brake department, as they’ve started to see a brake overheating issue and needed someone dedicated to monitoring them and replacing parts if necessary. 

He records the thickness of all of the brake pads and discs, so he can later examine the wear after practice and qualifying sessions. It’s a clockwise circuit, so Charles in addition to putting the slightly denser brake pads at the front of both cars, installs the heaviest at the left-front brake. They’re meant to all be the same size, but there are always slightly heavier pads and discs.

In addition to this job, he’s also part of the car crew for what will this year be Carlos Sainz’s car. He knows a bit about Sainz - he’s had a successful few seasons in Formula One already, particularly last year where he’d raced surprisingly well in the sub-par McLaren car. It was what had won him his seat, replacing Sebastian Vettel in what had been a slightly shocking decision to Charles. He’s not the only one interested in what Sainz might be able to pull off in a Ferrari.

As soon as the car is built, they’re doing pit-stop practice until late into the evening. There isn’t a curfew for Thursday, so they take advantage of every moment of time available. Charles has been assigned to the left-rear corner, where he removes the old tire from the car when it pits. 

There’s definitely a learning curve, and the tires are heavier than most people think. He’ll need to step up his workout routine if he wants to keep up with the other mechanics. On top of the sore arms he’ll surely have tomorrow, his feet are killing him after hardly sitting down since disembarking the plane. 

At one point, he takes off his shoes and walks around in just his Ferrari-issued socks, the floor feeling blessedly cool on his aching feet. However, he soon has to put his shoes back on or risk injury, which is when he discovers that he should never take off his shoes again because putting them back on is its own hell.

When he gets to the hotel room that night, he hardly says a word to Alé, who is indeed his roommate, instead collapsing face-first onto the bed, still fully clothed. He doesn’t remember closing his eyes, and he’s not aware of anything until the alarm goes off the next morning. That, of course, is when the real fun begins.

[repldemiurge]

I went to a few concerts this summer season (though not nearly as many as my partner) and I never take pictures at them, but today since it was an outdoor lawn venue I found it easier and got a pic of each band

Unearth was fine. Generally the highest praise I can give a -core band unless they later go on to have a more interesting career (a la BTBAM or TDEP) I think them being slightly older than most bands in that scene helps a lot? It gave them more of just a melodic thrash vibe that they then still botched with knuckle-dragging breakdowns, in case you forgot they were a metalcore band and started to enjoy them. And yet, I might try a couple albums

Then Kerry King came on. Who the fuck cares.

(Forming your own shitass slayer wannabe band when slayer reformed without you after 5 years because you're too much of a fucking tool is. Sad.)

The only track the crowd got into was Raining Blood. Lol.

Mastodon did all of Leviathan, and like. It's Leviathan it's good what do you want. Honestly, the biggest downside to this was that they played Blood and Thunder to open the night, when by rights that is a made-to-be-an-encore song. Instead we got More Than I Could Chew and Steambreather. Idk I just. Still hate those last two albums. They teased that a new record will be out 2025 and my God I hope they decide to quit it with the fucking hard rock crap.

Then Brann came out after and told a very cute story about the first time he saw Leviathan on sale at best buy, good fodder for a 20th anniversary show like this.

OH they also played Circle of Cysquatch and had a tokusatsu. This thing was pretty cool.

‐-----------------

Then Lamb of God closed doing all of Ashes of the Wake. I had really only heard Redneck, Laid to Rest, and Grace by these guys, on account of the rock I live under. (And Grace only because of the girl who did a hurdy gurdy cover of it. And that's the track I like the most!)

I. Get why they occupy the position that they do. Solid blend of existing hardcore and metal styles while never adventuring into anything *too* experimental or niche. Really solid technique and fantastic stage presence from their front man. Kinda sad I didn't see them before Chris Adler left? I've had respect for him as a drummer for a long time. Overall, good album and solid live performance. I think I liked the first half a fair bit more than the back half, but the instrumental title track near the end was a standout. Did a little bit of moshing during Redneck because I wanted to have a *little* fun tonight, and I knew people would go apeshit for it. Uh, moshing on an angled lawn in the dark is a, *different* fuckin experience than on a venue floor lol. Only stayed for like half the song I guess.

Then I ate a hot dog and chili. Good night.

Anyways what's up with all these tours of bands playing entire albums now? I feel like this wasn't a thing 10 years ago. Maybe it's just that we're hitting a lot of anniversaries for 00s prog-metal boom albums and they want to show their Concept Vision in Full, but I feel like I'm seeing non-progressive bands (Lamb of God???) do it as well, so.

It's not even a bad trend per se, it's just one that feels kinda weird to me. I'm not the world's biggest showgoer though, maybe this has been a thing for a long time and I just never picked up on it.

I should listen to Slaughtersun by Dawn again (Good Black Metal bands do north American tours and stop in Detroit 2025 pleaseeeeeeee)

[thesinglesjukebox]

KEHLANI -"AFTER HOURS"

We're staying out late tonight...

[6.89]

Katherine St. Asaph: An immaculate vibe, a great hang, a simmering build; the feeling of realizing you'd love to linger indefinitely, transmuted into sound. [8]

Alfred Soto: At ease in ruminative mode, Kehlani hasn't recorded many club bangers these days. The Nina Sky interpolation gets them to shake the mopes, or, rather, coaxes them to put their fluttery wishcasting into a kinetic mode that occasionally suits them. [7]

Taylor Alatorre: "In a room full of strangers... it feels like we're alone." Okay, pretty standard club dichotomy there. So then why would you foreground the former over the latter by turning the chorus into this communal come-hither chant? Makes me feel like I'm being courted by a hive mind or polycule or both. Maybe that's part of the weirdness that comes with adapting the "Coolie Dance" riddim to a song about one-on-one intimacy; it didn't have to be, though. [5]

Jackie Powell: It���s difficult to know Kehlani’s true intent with “After Hours." Are they trying for a dark horse R&B hit with hints of afrobeats? Is this a reggae track? Or are they paying homage to Destiny’s Child? (They released a remix of the song that plops their vocals on top of the instrumental to Destiny’s Child’s “Cater 2 U.”)  Kehlani tries to accomplish all of the above, but it’s hard to say whether they execute. The song features a sample within a sample. The first sound is the percussive rhythm that rose to popularity via Nina Sky’s "Move Ya Body," but that sound is a sample in itself, a beat originally made by Jamaican artist Cordell 'Scatta' Burrell in his song "Coolie Dance Rhythm." "After Hours" could have easily begun after that eight-second sample, which prompts the question as to why they needed it. Were they trying to bring in more mainstream listeners who would recognize the first seconds immediately? It isn’t clear. The track becomes most compelling when Kehlani gets to their refrain and then the subsequent pre-chorus. Kehlani has an overdubbed call and response that builds and builds and is quite sexy, but disappoints by the time the chorus hits. The payoff is weak, and the supposed hook sounds like an extended version of Tyla’s “Water,” especially with the echoing backing vocals that aren’t Kehlani’s. In the original “After Hours,” there is a trace of Destiny’s Child's signature sauce: the harmony on the call-and-response sections. But the “Cater 2 U” remix slows the song’s tempo and completely changes the vibe of the song. Is this a song for the club or for the hotel room they take their lover to the night of the ensuing hookup?  [6]

Ian Mathers: Just a fun, light party track, and I mean that as a compliment. I'm actually kind of glad this only uses the same riddim as "Move Ya Body" instead of interpolating it like the intro made me think might happen. But while I'll be happy to hear this come up on the radio etc., I suspect every time I hear that intro I'm going to be a just a little disappointed it's not Nina Sky. [7]

Jonathan Bradley: There are no shortage of songs in 2024 sampling the hits of the '00s, but Kehlani's Nina Sky flip sounds more like yet another take on the Coolie Dance riddim than nostalgia bait; this is how dancehall is supposed to work. "After Hours" is light and pleasant, with an ingratiating synth line that finds new use for old trop house parts. Kehlani is the least essential part, but they don't need to break a sweat to make this replayable. If it were summer here, I might bump my score up by a point. [6]

Jacob Sujin Kuppermann: I've long been in favor of Kehlani using as many 2000s R&B samples as possible. This is further vindication — over a vague outline of Nina Sky, they sound like they're having more fun than they have in years; the searing, melodramatic quality of their voice works much better as an invitation to debauchery than, say, a duet partner to Ty Dolla $ign.  [7]

Will Adams: The use of the Coolie Dance riddim is smart; the club is still pumping, but the soft synths and half-stepping bass suggest that closing time is approaching, and there's someone who wants to take you home. That transient moment creates heat for "After Hours," even though I'd rather have that interaction while "Move Ya Body" is playing instead. [6]

Nortey Dowuona: After Cordell and Everton Burrell released the Coolie Dance riddim in 2003, they probably had no idea that 25 artists(!!???) would flood to use it almost immediately, but they did expect it to be successful and used. When he and his brother were their most successful, most of the riddims that were produced were given directly to artists in both reggae and dancehall, who, in exchange for the song, would have "gentleman's agreements" with the producers, who would plow through their equipment to create the riddims yet depended on those agreements to work. Each song was meant for a dub plate, to be performed so the artist could eat. The producer, however, got left in the dust. Khristopher Riddick-Tynes of the Rascals, as well as Alex Goldblatt, who is the co-producer of this sweet little gem, didn't even count Cordell or Everton as producers but merely as songwriters, since they took the riddim from this little gem produced by Lionel Bermingham and Elijah Wells. Cordell does get a songwriting credit and a cameo in the video, as well as Diovanna Frasier, choreographer, and Daniel Church, who can rock a pretty solid Jeremih impression. Now, Kehlani does deliver quite handily in the vocals department (with assistance from Jaycen Joshua and his trusty sidekick, Mike Seaberg), but the creation, completion and delivery of one of the best songs of the year depends on at least seven other people who you don't know and couldn't pick out of a lineup unless you're a Mixed by the Masters fanboy. They're the ones who create the spellbinding songs we're listening to while we miss last call to keep on talking, and I think they deserve just as much lucre and recognition as the Bay's worst-kept secret. [10]

[Read, comment and vote on The Singles Jukebox]

[fowlfics]

Ten questions for writers

Thank you so much for the tag, @katia-anyway !

1. how many works do you have on ao3?

At the moment of writing this post, 253!

2. what’s your total ao3 word count?

I just broke 700k with my last fic :3c

3. what fandoms do you write for?

Whichever one I'm obsessed with at the moment xD Currently, I am thoroughly within One Piece's grip. Before that, there was BNHA, but I have written for a couple other fandoms in far smaller quantities before.

4. do you respond to comments? why or why not?

I used to! But it became overwhelming fairly soon. Moreover, a lot of the comments I get are simple emojis or "this was cute!" and while i do appreciate them - of course i do! it always brightens my day to see them! - i find myself at a loss as to how to respond. I don't like seeing a chain of my own "thank you!" comments responding in the same way to everyone, and it feels like i'm cheating somehow, like i'm artificially inflating my comments count ajsdhkajh So nowdays I usually only respond if someone asks a question or says something that I feel I can respond to with something more substantial than just a "thank you <3"

5. have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not to my knowledge (unless I am forgetting, which is also possible lol)

6. have you ever co-written a fic before?

Oh, yes, plenty! Lemme dig up the receipts. Most notably there was a ton of fic telephones in Fic Fight '22 which I'm still not certain if I've got all of them jotted down xD

Then there was that one Stain & Aizawa & Izuku & Katsuki longfic we had started with (listing in the order on our tracking spreadsheet) Addri, myself, LadyE, Blanc, Sophy, Ryuka and Kooky! We initially started it as a November NaNoWriMo challenge back in 2022 (inspired by the joint Whumptober completionist thing NWA did) and we've got up to 40k before life had caught up xD

OH and of course the NWA Two Perspectives in Feb 2023, where both Brinn and I wrote 11k of the same EraserMic fic (fic 1)(fic 2) each in one person's POV, it was a lot of fun!

Other then those, there might have been instances of me co-writing with someone, but I do not recall them! (my memory is a sieve, if you wrote a fic with me and i forgor pls don't take it personally :crypuddle:)

7. what’s your all-time favourite ship?

There isn't one! I am a notorious multishipper, and I'll ship anything that moves in the vicinity of my current blorbo (cough cough Sabo the Revolutionary and April O'Neil being the. current victim of that)

The ranking of my fav ships switches pretty much hourly, with individual blorbos taking a longer time (it's been a mix of Sabo, Ace, Luffy and Law in any order for the past half a year or so) and fandoms being the slowest to rollover (BNHA to OP pipeline across 4 years)

8. what are your writing strengths?

I've been told I'm a speed demon xD You Are Loved (13k) got written over the first four days since my joining of MDL. I prefer to go all-in on a fic idea the moment I think of it!

9. what are your writing weaknesses?

If I let a story idea stagnate, I'll have to wait until I'm in the mood for that particular fic to write it again, and it could take months. I write fast, sure, but it doesn't exactly work if I have no words to put down on the page xD My writing is very motivation-based, which sucks for any kind of a schedule but alas, I deal with it

10. first fandom you wrote for?

Hmm I believe that'd be Danny Phantom! I've written entries for Phannymay back in 2017, but I have since moved those to an alt AO3 account due to the fact that I barely knew english at the time and didn't want those on my record xD

Tagging: @mangogreent @portgas-d-aroace @taizi @swordsmans @ceramicwings hi pookies <3

[the-eclectic-wonderer]

5 & 6 with Dorothy, Blanche, and Rose for the fmk alternatives ask game! (Which looks really fun, by the way!)

Aaa I know, right?? Lots of fun!! Thanks for the questions! :)

5. go on a six hour road trip with (no car radio, you choose who drives), sit next to on a six hour plane flight, sit across from on a six hour train journey

This one is not easy, haha. I love traveling, but only if I can do my own thing while moving around 😅 so company isn't ideal, in general! That being said, let's see...

I think I'd take Rose on a six hour road trip, if there's no car radio available. I know, I know -- it's not ideal, but when I'm driving I usually need to listen to something to keep my brain entertained enough to stay focused, and if one of the trio can talk/sing for a full 6 hours, that's certainly Rose. At some point I'd stop actively listening to her and just pretend I'm listening, I think, but it would still be helpful -- and if I get tired of driving, I'm sure I could ask her to swap with me and she'd be happy to help!

I think I'd sit across from Blanche on a train trip, for the very practical reason that she's short and that would give me some more space for my legs 😂 If we already knew each other before the trip, I'm sure we'd manage to find something to chat about, even if maybe not for the whole six hours. If she was alone and a stranger, considering my track record I'd probably offer to help her with her luggage, and then keep my mouth shut and text my friend about the gorgeous lady that just sat in front of me on the train, haha.

I ended up with Dorothy and a plane flight by exclusion, but that sounds great, honestly! I'm sure she'd be very respectful, mindful of her and everyone else's space and tranquillity. I figure she'd have a book to read on the trip, and if so we might end up comparing books and sharing our impressions. :)

6. go clothes shopping with, go to ikea with, go grocery shopping with

Hmm... alright, I think I'd go clothes shopping with Rose. I don't much enjoy shopping and I get frustrated very quickly when I have to buy clothes, so it would be lovely to have someone as patient and caring as Rose is to comfort me and keep me company while I try stuff on. I'd treat her to something tasty and sweet to thank her afterwards, of course. :)

Blanche is the best among the trio at interior design, but her taste seems to be way more expensive than ikea 😅 besides, I usually have very strong opinions about what I like and dislike when it comes to furniture, so I think we'd just end up clashing! I'd much rather have someone who points out the practical aspects of the pieces I like (stuff like 'will I manage to take this home and build it' or 'do I have enough space for this' or 'is this actually the thing I need or do I just think it's pretty'), and Dorothy is perfect for that. :)

That leaves Blanche for grocery shopping! It's nothing glamorous per se, but I bet she'd make it into a great experience -- she must have an anecdote for just about anything she buys! I might have to keep track of what she gets just to stay within budget, but we'd manage, eventually (I hope!). Although I'm sure she'd convince me to take her out to dinner afterwards. 😅

[fmk alternatives]

[frenchiefitzhere]

Both of your series give me art zoomies, but I was wondering if you could enlighten someone who plans to start their own va stuff (eventually 😓). What does your recording/editing process look like?

Big caveat: I'm not an expert. Entirely self-taught. All trial and error and YT tutorials. But I'm happy to share what I've learned 🌻 1. Set-up: a. Microphone: Rode NT-1 with a Focusrite Scarlett audio interface b. Software: Garageband (for most things) + Audacity (for fixing things) c. "Studio": I have the microphone on a floor stand in my walk-in closet. I also recently added a sound blanket as a curtain on the outside of my closet. I found it does make a difference which way I point the mic: away from the window that opens to the street.

A fancy microphone matters far less than the recording environment, I have found. It's important to check for things like appliances, fans, vents, etc. that might make extra sound. I'm pretty picky about getting a clean, crisp recording. (For example, if a car passes on the road as I'm recording a line, I do it again.) The reason the closet is a good place to record is because the fabric absorbs the sound. 2. Recording a. I record each character on her own track in GarageBand, and whenever I can, I will record as much content for the same character as I can (i.e. over multiple episodes).

b. It's much easier in the editing process to record A-A-A, B-B-B, C-C-C style for lines rather than A-B-C, A-B-C. In other words, if I mess up a line or think I might want a different take, I just immediately redo it as many times as I have to (rather than recording the whole script in one go, getting to the end, and starting over). c. It's helpful to have a nonverbal signal that shows up as a spike on the recording. (I learned that from Erik's little Audacity tutorial video.) So, if I know I have a section that I want to mark for some reason (ex. I know I messed up, I was doing foley, etc.), I just snap my fingers. d. Foley: If I have to make my own sound effects, I usually do not record them simultaneously as I act. It's much easier to make changes later if they're separate. It's not easy to 'extract' sounds. 3. Editing a. First, I export each track/character from GarageBand to Audacity and run the Noise Reduction and Declick plugins. Then I save those and bring them back into GarageBand. This step gets rid of most of the background noise. b. Then, I start lining everything up and clipping the recordings into regions. I usually make an extra track I call "Discard" so I can line up my back-up options for certain lines. (Usually, I'm just deleting the things I don't want but..sometimes I can't decide so I line one up in the Discard track in the same position/timestamp.) c. I usually add the sound effects and soundscapes at the same time. It's a bit more tedious to line everything up all at once, but much prefer it over going back and adding sound effects later, after I finish the voices. If you just have a few effects, it's doable to add them afterwards, but...timing matters for everything.

I get most of my sound effects and soundscapes from Freesound.org and sometimes I get them from Pixabay. Pixabay is also good for finding royalty-free music. Every once in a while, there's a specific sound I need that I can't find for free. For those, I get a license from Pond5 (which I like because it has a subscription like most stock libraries, but you can also buy what you need à la carte). d. Because I'm used to accessing MIDI for my musical projects, I've also found that that's a fun way to make special effects, especially when I need m a g i c. I just sift through the MIDI library in GarageBand (or use some plug-in instruments) until I find the sound I want, and I can change it up by playing different combinations on the MIDI keyboard. e. I spend a lot of time (probably too much) making micro-adjustments to the Automation. For example, I like the soundscape to fade in at the beginning and out at the end. And I make corrections--mainly Volume and Gain--for the main vocal tracks. That's also my way of keeping the SFX tracks down to just one or two: I can change the volume of each individual section. I'm not sure how helpful it is, but if you're curious, here's a screenshot of the next Ruby audio. (This is an unusually high number of tracks, even for a Ruby project.)

4. Finishing

I do not consider myself a 'video editor'. I like designing the thumbnails, but I wanted something where it would be super easy to make an interesting still image and just stick a sound file with it. Canva is good for that, and it's what I always use now. The only time I broke down and used iMovie to edit was for the Ruby vs. Carol puppet show, and I still finished that up in Canva. These are just the basics, but there are some other tips and tricks when it comes to different effects and stuff. (Musical projects are a completely different method. In a lot of ways, they're easier because ✨tempo✨. I still use GarageBand, and my recording set-up is the same, but how I record and edit is much different.) Note: You do NOT need to have all of this equipment right away to get started. A decent microphone does make a difference, but other than that, everything else is extra.