#Will Halstead Preferences

[thestarrynightslover]

Looks like I'm gonna get back to the fbis...

[collecting-stories]

@halsteadlover is a great person for Will love 😏❤️‍🔥

I don’t know that I’m actively trying to get myself there, I feel like maybe forces are working against my resistance 😭

[escapingrealtiylovinginsanity]

Jay Halstead NSFW Alphabet 

This is a small apology for my hyper-fixation on my Rewind, Remix, & Replay (Burgstead story). I know it’s not a common pairing or a reader insert but it has been so much fun to write. I’m totally hooked on the couple. If you have any interest you can check it out HERE. 

 Anyway, enjoy some sexy Jay Halstead content! (I forgot how long these take to write) 

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex) 

Jay is all about aftercare. He will only leave the bed to clean himself and you up, or grab you something if you need it. Jay’s favorite way to give you aftercare is through physical touch. He wants to hold you, kiss your skin, tangle his finger in your hair. He wants the intimacy of having pillow talk or the playfulness of wrestling around or tickling you until you are begging him to stop.  

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s) 

Jay’s favorite body part of himself is his hands. They are rough and calloused from hard work and his time carrying around a gun in the desert. They can hold a sniper rifle and make perfect aim as well as run through your hair when you lay together in bed, or pull an orgasm out of you as you ride his fingers. 

Jay’s favorite part of you if asked would be everything. He loves your body and always claims he can’t pick just one part of you to be his favorite. But you have noticed his fixation on your ass. He is always slapping it as he walks by, grabbing it during sex, or sliding his hand into your back pocket. He had even bit your ass a few times when he had the opportunity. 

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically) 

Jay loves to come inside of you, it makes him feel connected to you. He will stay inside of your tight warm core until he goes soft. When he finally pulls out he likes to watch his come drip out of you and down your thighs mixing with the wetness of your arousal. He will clean the sticky mess but takes gratification in knowing that his DNA will linger on you long after he has wiped it away.    

D = Dirty secret (pretty self-explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs) 

One of Jay’s favorite things is to be woken up by you giving him head. There is just something about starting his day with his cock in your mouth. He doesn’t even care if it's just a warm-up and you guys end up finishing with sex.  

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?) 

Jay has plenty of sexual experience. While Jay prefers committed long-term relationships, he had his Casanova days in his early twenties and after bad breakups. He has learned and perfected how to please a woman. But Jay knows that no woman's body is the same and he makes it his mission to learn how to please you.          

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying) 

Jay’s favorite position is with you on top. He likes watching you bounce on his cock. Your breast in his face with easy access to his mouth. His hands can grab your hips or ass to urge you on.  He can kiss you and rub slow circles on your clit. He can let you take charge letting the pleasure roll over him or he can rock up into you to meet your thrusts.   

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.) 

Jay can be goofy during sex. He likes the banter your relationship has and it often leaks into the bedroom. Sassy comments or jokes can have you both laughing into each other's kisses. Once or twice you had got each other laughing so hard that you had to take a break mid sex to catch your breath.  

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.) 

Jay keeps himself trimmed for the sake of hygiene when he is single. When he is busy it drops low on his list of worries well below food and sleep. When he is in a relationship, he is more on top of it making sure it stays in his normal routine. He is more aware of the length of his facial stubble too. He doesn’t want to leave you with a constant healing beard burn. 

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect) 

Jay wants intimacy in his relationships. It’s not romantic in the normal aspect of flowers and fancy dates. It’s getting to know you, the banter you share, the drag of his stubble against your skin as he kisses every inch of your body. It’s being tangled together naked afterwards sharing soft kisses. 

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon) 

Jay was in the military for years so he knows how to jack off quick and efficiently. Jay doesn’t masturbate a lot. He does it more for stress relief than anything else. He usually does it while in the shower for quicker cleanup. If he is in a relationship, he will get himself off if you are not in the mood, but he has to go without for a while before he even considers it.    

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks) 

Jay likes to have sex in public places. The threat of getting caught makes the experience more thrilling. He also has a praise kink. He wants to know how good he is making you feel. He loves to see you flush with his praises and tell you what a good girl you are.  

L = Location (favorite places to do the do) 

Jay's favorite place to have sex with you is on the bed. There is plenty of room to do an array of positions with the comfort of a soft mattress and sheets. Jay is also a sucker for having sex with you pressed against walls. Whether it's your hands holding yourself up as he pounded into you from behind or your legs wrapped around his waist nails digging into his shoulders. Jay is also a fan of having sex in semi-public spots- he enjoys the thrill of almost getting caught. 

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going) 

Jay is pretty easy to get in the mood. Flirty banter, heated looks, and caressing touches will pull his mind to dirtier things. Jay is a visual man so seeing you in lingerie or his clothes is a big turn-on. The two of you pulled an all-nighter when you were draped across his bed in nothing but one of his flannels unbuttoned, red lipstick, and his dog tags hanging between your breasts.   

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs) 

Jay will not do anything that could cause you physical harm. He is okay with spanking, restraining, and even some light choking- leaving little bruises and love bites but never wants to cross the line where something could actually hurt you. Jay is very monogamous. That along with his possessiveness and jealousy makes the idea of another person joining you guys in bed an immediate no.   

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.) 

Jay has a talent with his tongue and it’s not just for his sassy smartass remarks. His oral skills are otherworldly. He can get you off in a matter of minutes with just his mouth if he isn’t in a teasing mood. He is a fan of using his fingers too. If his mouth or fingers can make you feel pleasure on their own, how much will you receive with both? Jay doesn’t like to stop when he starts either. Your legs are shaking and have come twice already and are edging on overstimulation. You’ll just have to wait until he is finished. 

Jay loves receiving as much as he enjoys giving. He will thread his finger through your hair pulling it back into a ponytail. He likes to tug the strands but mostly it makes it easier to see your eyes. It does something to him to see you on your knees, your face flushed, cheeks hollowed, sucking on his cock eyes locked with his. Jay likes to thrust into your mouth and loves it when you swallow but he will never force you to do either and will give you a warning before comes.   

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.) 

Jay knows there is a time and place for both. He leans towards the more rougher side pace. The friction of your bodies together, the bouncing of your breast, his hips snapping against yours. There are days that he wants slow intimate lovemaking. He will lay you down and worship every inch of your body, caressing all your dips and curves. He will rock into purposefully letting you feel every inch of his cock rubbing inside of you.  

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.) 

Jay loves quickies. Life is busy and there isn’t always a lot of time for long drawn-out sex. If an opportunity arises for a quick fuck he almost always says yes. He had on more than one occasion locked the two of you in a bar bathroom, hushing you as he fucked you from behind. He likes the thrill of not having a lot of time and having a chance of being caught.  

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.) 

Jay is a risk taker, the man has spent years in the army and likes a good adrenaline rush. He is down to try any position you can find or come up with. Jay likes to have sex in public, he likes the risk of being caught. It’s a challenge for him- can he get you off or fuck you while keeping you quiet enough to not get caught? Can he turn you on enough for you not to care if you do?  

You guys have got caught once in a bar parking lot. Luckily the person in question didn’t know you were having sex and just thought you were making out heavily. You were still fully clothed except for your panties. The skirt of your dress was spread over his lap covering the fact that he was buried deep inside of you. Both of you were so turned on that you continued with minimal thought after the person had made it to their car. 

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?) 

Jay has a high stamina. He is more willing to give up sleep to pull an all-night sexathon. If you are up for another round, most likely so is he. He just needs fifteen to thirty minutes for his refractory period. He is more than willing to keep you warm up with oral, fingerfucking, or just making out with caressing touches. 

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?) 

Jay isn’t a huge fan of toys. He won’t be offended if you ask to use them with him or add them to your sex play. He will use them and use them well but he would rather get you off himself. He is more into restraints and blindfolding his partners.  

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease) 

While Jay is a massive flirter and likes to tease you outside of the bedroom, he isn’t a big teaser sexually. He is a complete pleasure junky- your pleasure. He wants to make you feel good and is more likely to overstimulate you with orgasms than to edge you with teasing. He does it occasionally when he feels like you are being a brat and needs to be taught a lesson.     

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.) 

Jay isn’t necessarily loud but he is a groaner when he has sex. He likes to dirty talk in bed and loves to make you moan as loud as he can. You can get him to be pretty loud too with the right encouragement. Mostly it is a string of curses that turn into moans as you clench around him.  

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character) 

Right after Jay returned from deployment he was touch starved. He didn’t feel like himself enough to build new relationships or even maintain old ones. He spent his first few months bouncing from one girl's bed to the next using a fake name. During that period the sex felt mechanical and didn’t do much for him but it did give him the physical contact that he was craving. He would completely wear his partner out so he could lay there and hold them after they fell asleep. Unfortunately, it never really helped barely taking the itch away. He often left their beds feeling more empty and isolated than before.

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes) 

Jay has an athletic build, and his body all smooth lean muscles. He has strong arms and broad shoulders. He had a washboard stomach with six-pack abs and a cut V of his hips. Jay is above average in the length of his cock easily hitting six and a half inches when he is hard. His dick is on the slender side but still thick enough that it takes your body time to adjust to him when he first slides in.    

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?) 

Jay has a high sex drive. He would prefer to have sex three to four times a week if you are willing. He is insatiable when he comes back from long UC operations. He can’t keep his hands off you or his lips to himself. When he is working bad cases or is having PTSD flashbacks his sex drive tends to drop drastically or cause dry spells.     

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards) 

Jay wants to make sure you are taken care of after you have sex so he stays up until he is sure you have gotten the aftercare you need. He enjoys basking in his relaxed state, clear mind, and tired body, after his orgasm for as long as he can. You usually fall asleep first unless it has been a multiple-round night and you are curled up with him. Jay is a light sleeper from his time in the army and will wake up if you get up or move around too much in your sleep.  

[halsteadlover]

Spaces Between Us

*Gif not mine credits to the owner*

• Pairing: Jay Halstead x Female!Reader.

• Requested: yes by anon.

• Summary: you and Jay break up and it’s the hardest thing you’ve even been through. Is it forever over or will you be able to overcome the difficulties?

• Warnings: LOTS of angst and cursing, use of alcohol, slight mention of blood and dead body (it’s not important for the plot but still), I don’t know if there’s anything else please let me know if I missed any <3

• Word count: 19k. Yeah… I know.

• A/N: I’VE NEVER BEEN SO STRESSED OUT FOR A FIC I SWEAR IT’S LIKE IT HAD TO PAY MY BILLS SO PLS BLOW THIS UP. I’m kidding (no I’m not ) but jokes aside, I hope you’ll like this fic even if still shitting bricks at the thought you’ll gonna hate it 😭 so please let me know what do you think and give me any advice if you want. I’m sorry for any mistakes and just so you know this fic dramatic as fuck lol. I love you all and thank you so much I know nobody is gonna read this, like I haven’t already written enough okay bye ❤️

Anyone who tells you that getting together with your best friend is simple because you know each other very well, don't trust them, it's complete bullshit.

And you had unfortunately learned this the hard way.

You really thought your relationship with Jay would be amazing to say the least, the first few months being pure heaven. You were very happy, you sprayed joy from every pore and anyone who met you could notice the toothy smile you continually had on your face.

You thought you knew Jay perfectly and that he knew you perfectly. After all you had been friends for so many years before getting together which is why you believed you knew everything about him, strengths and weaknesses, and he knew the same about you.

Unfortunately, however, this wasn’t true at all and you soon realized reality was very different from what you thought, being in a relationship with someone was totally different from being their friend. When you’re in a relationship you see that person differently, that person becomes the center of your thoughts, and everything they say and do have a weight on you whether you like it or not, you start to analyze everything with different eyes, you pay more attention to details, and you don't miss things that you wouldn't notice with a friend.

And that was exactly what happened with Jay.

You and him had been together for about six months when you started to notice something that among other things slowly took a big toll on you.

Given the nature of your jobs – him being a detective and you being a firefighter – there were times where you weren't able to spend much time together. He never let a minute pass without sending you a sweet text telling you how much he missed you and how much he wanted to be with you, but when it was time to see each other he sometimes preferred to go to Molly's with his friends.

Of course there was nothing wrong with that and you yourself told him to go, but when you started to notice this happened very frequently, taking time away from the two of you, you started to show him your discomfort.

You never wanted to create arguments, you just tried to communicate with him and express something that was starting to weigh on you but he didn't take it that way and a big argument were created from this. You knew Jay, you knew he was the type of person to keep everything inside, to not express his feelings right away, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt you. He accused you of alienating yourself from him, telling you he’d invite you to go with him when he went to Molly's and you were just being dramatic.

You tried to let it go for the sake of the relationship, trying to swallow the lump and think he wasn't doing it on purpose.

But from this episode everything started to go downhill.

When you were with him at the bar, or somewhere else, with his colleagues or friends you couldn't help but notice the way he and his colleague, Hailey, were particularly close. You tried not to let your mind wander, not to listen to your paranoid thoughts but when all you did was see the way they laughed and joked you couldn't keep the jealousy that gripped your stomach at bay.

You had known her since she joined Intelligence. You always knew they were good friends but since you got with Jay you couldn't help but wonder if their relationship had always been like this or if you saw it differently now just because you were in a relationship with him.

As with everything else, you started asking him questions about her and things like that and he didn't think much of it at first but when he started noticing the insistent way Hailey had become involved in your conversations, it started to bother him.

He had tried to reassure you, to tell you there was nothing going on with her but it wasn't enough, since he said the same thing to you too and yet you ended up together. But other than simple phrases and some sweet words thrown into the wind, he didn't seem to do anything to convince you otherwise.

You had never been the jealous type of person, you both had your own circle of friends, but the way Hailey always seemed to be up his ass, bothered you more than you’d never admit.

One evening, after work, you joined Jay at Molly's where you knew he had met with his colleagues and other friends. A strange sensation gripped your stomach as you tried to convince yourself it was only tiredness but inside you knew what the real reason for that anxiety was.

You hoped until the last minute to not see her there, you knew it was wrong, but you didn't want to be in her presence and you didn't want Jay to be either. But when you entered the bar and from afar you saw him and her sitting at the same table, that hope was destroyed in a second.

Jay looked up from her and immediately saw you walk in and a huge smile spread across his face as he waved his hand towards you. You approached the table, greeting everyone with a smile anyone from a mile away could tell was very fake.

“Hi baby, you're finally here.”

Jay stood up and hugged you tightly to his body. You returned that hug, your heart pounding in your chest even though you couldn't just let yourself go completely.

He let go of you and to your surprise pressed his lips to yours in a sweet, chaste kiss, eliciting a series of small squeals and whistles from the table. You giggled and, cheeks burning, went to sit next to Jay on the chair he had kept free for you.

A small smile – this time sincere – appeared on your lips. Jay wasn't the type of person who made sensational or dramatic gestures, he was a rather private person but when it came to you he didn't care about these things, he was very physical and always needed to have you close, to have a hand on you and feel your warmth in a way or another.

But, let's just face it, you loved that gesture mostly because he did it in front of Hailey and the territorial, irrational part of you was doing backflips.

God I don't recognize myself anymore.

“How was work? Wait, first tell me what you want to drink so I can order it for you,” Jay said immediately, an arm around your waist as he looked at you with a sweet smile on his lips. He didn't let you answer though. “You're so beautiful baby, you know that?”.

You giggled like a schoolgirl – being careful to let everyone hear you – and delicately smacking his chest before awkwardly resting your head on his shoulder, trying to hide the bright blush on your cheeks.

He laughed back and left a kiss on your forehead and that was enough to calm you down, to convince yourself he loved you, that he only wanted you, or else he wouldn't have acted so affectionately in front of her.

“What are you drinking?” You asked, feeling his arm move up from your side around your shoulders.

At that same moment a sudden flash blinded both of you for a second and as you looked up you noticed Adam taking photos of you and Jay with his cell phone with a huge grin plastered on his face.

“Ruzek what the fuck!” Jay exclaimed even though he was actually laughing. He paused and then continued, “Make sure to send us those pics man.”

You burst out laughing and at that same moment, while everyone was joking around and making fun of you and Jay, but you couldn't help but glance at Hailey and notice the way her face was twisted into a serious expression while pretending to play along.

You tried not to think much of it, but it disturbed you, because it was just further evidence she had an interest in Jay that went beyond work.

“So tell me about your day baby,” Jay brought his attention back to you when the others finally decided to give both you and him some spite.

“It went well, we only had one intervention. A man stuck in a car after a car accident,” you sipped some of his beer, earning a fake look of disappointment from him, “Really bad story, but everything went well, he survived and they managed to get him to Med's in time.”

“Just because you were there, love.”

“Kiss-ass,” You rolled your eyes, giggling. “How about you? Something interesting happened?”.

What you didn't expect was for Hailey to answer for him, as if she was listening to your conversation the whole time and was just waiting for the moment to intervene. “Oh my god today was hectic. We busted a drug trade. You should’ve seen it Y/n! Jay faced I don't know how many traffickers alone! Come on Jay, tell her!”.

You tried to keep your expression as neutral as possible as you directed your gaze towards her, noticing the way she suddenly perked up and how she looked at your boyfriend.

Did she seriously intruded while you were only talking to him?

Jay on the other hand didn't notice this attitude and laughed with Hailey as they started joking about what had happened that day. They made jokes, laughed as if it was just the two of them and the way his attention had completely shifted towards her caused you quite a bit of annoyance.

You remained silent as you pretended to listen to what they were saying, trying to bite your tongue and not say anything about the fact she was practically hanging on his lips and licking his ass as she praised him.

This was enough to knock your mood into the ground and throw you back into the spiral of paranoid thoughts you managed to keep at bay for a moment.

You hated the way he joked with her, the way they laughed together. Fuck it, he didn't have to feed her illusion and you couldn't even accept how he couldn't see she was blatantly flirting with him.

Your hands were shaking with anger but you wanted to act like a mature person, you wanted to try to stay calm and not let your emotions get the better of you.

“I think I’ll leave now. Jay, can you give me a ride home please? I didn’t came here with my car”.

What? Did I hear that correctly?

You almost had a heart attack, anger now flowing through your veins.

How could she be so bold? Did she forget you were there too?

“Sure, no problem,” was Jay's response and you almost smashed his head on the table. You looked at him in dismay, now unable to keep calm and act like a mature person.

“Jay do I have to remind you I'm here? You’re really going?” you spoke as he was getting up. He looked at you with an apologetic smile, completely unaware of the fact you were furious. You didn't care if they heard you, you didn't care about making a scene.

“But I'm not leaving baby, I'll just take her home and come right back here.” He pressed a kiss to your lips before leaving the bar with her.

You were so angry you couldn't say anything except watch them from afar.

You couldn't believe it.

This was fucking unbelievable.

You looked from the now closed door to Adam, who was sitting in front of you looking at you with frowning eyes and a surprised and confused expression.

“Wow…” you managed to let out, the humiliation forcing you to run your hands over your face for a moment, elbows resting on the table.

“Hey it's okay, calm down,” he tried to reassure you.

“Adam am I seeing things? Is this just my imagination?” You looked at him, still stunned.

He didn't respond but shook his head slightly, effectively answering your question. “But not from his side,” he pointed out “He only has eyes for you Y/n, believe me, but I can't deny this shit isn’t ridiculous.”

“I'm going home.” You blurted out, standing up and not listening to Adam, and then Kim, who tried to calm you down and convince you to stay.

But you couldn't think straight, not at that moment.

Your boyfriend had left you at a bar to give a ride to the female colleague who was actually crazy about him in a way everyone had noticed except for him, without even trying to ask if you wanted to go too or if it was okay with you.

You were so angry, so furious as you had been a few other times in your life, wanting nothing more than to smash something. You hated her, you hated him, you hated yourself for feeling that way.

You hated everything.

When Jay returned to Molly's after about twenty minutes, confusion appeared on his face as he immediately noticed you were no longer sitting at the table as he expected. He approached his friends, not ignoring the dirty looks they gave him.

“Where is Y/n?”.

Kim glared at him, making no effort to show the irritation towards him. “She's gone.”

“What? Why?”.

“Why? Are you fucking serious Jay?” Adam intervened, causing an even more confused expression to appear on his friend's face. His heart was pounding as he thought of every scenario, thinking you hadn't been feeling well.

“What's going on guys?”.

“You're so damn stupid,” Kevin scolded him, sharing the thoughts of his friends. “That was fucked up man.”

“What part of your brain convinced you that taking another woman – who casually has a crush on you – to her house and leaving your girlfriend here was a good idea? Do you understand how absurd this is? She was more mature than me, I would’ve kicked you in your balls,” Kim continued.

Fucking hell.

He realized he screwed everything up really, really badly this time. Without responding to those words, he immediately ran out of the bar, intending to rush to your house.

That night he tried to apologize and make up for it but you didn't want to talk about it and closed the door in his face when he showed up at your house. You didn't care if you seemed exaggerated, or even crazy, you didn't want to give in and you weren't going to let him disrespect you like that.

You completely ignored him for two days, not responding to any of his calls or texts, still too angry to seek a mature confrontation. When you thought you had calmed down, the memory of Jay leaving the bar with Hailey was enough to make you go back to being even more furious than before.

You understood the problem you had was much deeper than you would’ve ever wanted to admit and what hurt you most was not being understood by him.

You spoke with an open heart, you shouted at him and he understood the mistake he had made, promising you he’d try to fix it and stay away from these situations.

This wasn't the case though, in fact this was just one of numerous arguments you and Jay had over the topic of ‘Hailey’. You didn't feel reassured and his attitude did nothing but fuel your unease, making you feel even crazier than you thought.

On the other hand, you understood he too must have gotten tired of arguing about the same things so this contributed to making your relationship with him deteriorate considerably, the lack of trust he perceived made everything even worse.

The breaking point, however, came one morning and from there nothing was the same as before.

That morning you woke up to Jay's cell phone ringing. You had spent the night before together as he stayed over.

“Jay…” you murmured in your sleep, covering your ears to stop hearing that damn ringing. “Who the hell calls this early?”.

Jay removed the arm wrapped around your hip and let out a groan before propping himself up on his elbow and picking up his cell phone, answering the call without even checking who it was. “Halstead”.

You couldn't hear who it was but you turned to him, now giving him your full attention, wide awake.

“Oh yeah I forgot…” he said, rubbing a hand over his face before taking the cell phone away from his ear for a moment and checking the time “Yeah… I know it’s late. I’ll be there in half an hour. Okay. See you later.”

He ended the call before placing his phone on the nightstand and sighing.

“Who was it?” You asked as he stood up.

“I forgot I have breakfast with Hailey…”

Just hearing that name was enough to make your blood boil.

What the fuck?

You couldn't stand her anymore, why was she always around? Why did she always have to interfere? And why the fuck did Jay always have to run to her?

“Jay are you fucking serious?” You exploded, hair standing on end in anger as you jumped up from the bed.

He picked up his pants from the floor, starting to put them on and button them. “I know baby, but I completely forgot it but it's for work I swear or…”

“Work? What kind of ‘work’ is necessary for you to go have breakfast with her? You really think I'm that stupid Jay?!”

“Of course not! What the hell are you even talking about Y/n? I wouldn't even have told you if I had something to hide!”.

“Do you realize what you're doing? Do you realize how you always run to her every time she calls you?! You were in bed with me just five seconds ago and now you're going to her!”.

“I just told you it's for work! We have to go on an undercover mission and we just need to discuss the details Y/n stop implying things that don’t even exist!”.

You ran your hands over your face, frustrated and angry as ever as you watched him put on the shirt.

“Work doesn't tell you to always be up her ass Jay!”.

He looked at you like you had just grown a second head after hearing one of the craziest things in his life. “What the fuck are you even saying? Do you hear yourself when you talk? You realize how ridiculous that sounds? I don’t care about her why are you saying this?!”.

“And of course I'm ridiculous now, great! My boyfriend gets out of bed to go have breakfast with someone else he knew I fucking despise and I'm ridiculous! I'm fucking tired of this relationship and I'm fucking tired of always having her around Jay what the fuck can’t you understand that?!”.

Your words hit him like a tsunami.

I’m tired of this relationship.

Jay felt a sinking sensation in his chest, as if all the air had suddenly been sucked from his lungs. He was silent for a moment, his jaw clenched as he tried not to let the pain caused by those few simple word overwhelm him.

“You’re tired Y/n? You’re fucking tired?!” He almost shouted. “How the fuck do you think I feel when all we talk about is Hailey? You don't talk about anything else! You don't realize how obsessed you have become!”.

“Don't you dare blame me!” You yelled furiously through clenched teeth, pointing a finger at him as you continued to look at each other as if you were both ready to jump on your necks. Your eyes glare at the other, sending lightning and bolts full of anger and resentment. “We wouldn't be in this fucking situation if you had shown me some respect, if you had set boundaries with her! You seem to care more about her than me! Jesus, you know how all this shit makes me feel, you know how much all of this hurts me but you don't seem to give a fuck!”.

“That’s absolutely unbelievable, I can’t even believe how you’re doubting my feeling for you, how can you say something like that? I only have eyes for you Y/n! The whole world knows it, everyone sees it except you! You’re just choosing to let your weird obsession take over everything else.”

“Maybe you’re just shit at proving it because trust me leaving your fucking girlfriend to go have breakfast with another woman doesn’t seem a great way to show her your love!”

“Are you fucking serious right now?”. He clenched his hands into fists to try to maintain the tiny bit of calm he had left, pressing his nails hard against the skin of his palms to vent his anger.

“Yes Jay, I'm fucking serious!”.

“What the fuck are you doing with me then if that's what you think?! Since apparently I can't give you anything and you’re so fucking ungrateful you can't see the good things I do for you!”.

“What the fuck are you doing Jay huh?! Tell me! Is going to Hailey as soon as she calls you a good thing you do for me? Is this how you do it? Flash news my dear, that's not how this fucking works!”.

“I'm not fucking doing anything that’s the damn point! How the hell am I supposed to tell you she's just a colleague and I don't give a shit about her or anyone else but you! Why the fuck do you have so little faith in me!”.

“Because I don't trust you Jay! You really think an ‘I love you’ thrown in every now and then and a bouquet of flowers will fix everything? No it doesn't work like that, you don't solve the problems by just showing a fake reassurance that only lasts a couple of days!”.

“I will have to model myself for her majesty then, to be at her complete pleasure since…-”

You interrupted him. “For fucks sake Jay stop playing the victim! You don't get to do it, you have no right! You're the one going somewhere else what the fuck do you expect from me? Waiting for you with open arms? I'm not ungrateful, maybe you're just a shitty ass boyfriend who can't show me that he cares about me!” You screamed, throwing out everything you had kept inside for a long, long time, regardless of the destroyed and furious expression with which he was looking at you. “You show no respect for me, for my feelings, you don't give a fuck about what I tell you and that’s not even the first time I’m telling you this! It's not the first time I've told you how much this situation hurts me!”.

“Didn't it cross your mind, Y/n, that maybe you're the fucking problem here? That you're so fucking obsessed with that bitch you can't see anything else? That you're just a fucking child and all you can do is whine and whine and whine! You're making my life a living hell with your luck of trust! Every fucking day is a fight about something! You're always so needy, nothing is ever okay with you! Everything I do is wrong!”.

You took a step back at the sound of those words, as if to create a distance between you two. A pain radiated through your chest as your eyes stung while you continued to look at him. You fought with all your being not to let it go, you refused to cry in front of him.

You had come to the realization that maybe you weren't meant to be together, that taking your friendship to the next step was a mistake, you shouldn't have let your feelings get in the way and in that moment you realized that nothing between you would ever be the same.

You looked at each other, furious, both hurt by the words you had said. You looked at each other as if you didn't know each other, as if you were each other's worst enemy and this broke your heart.

“Get the fuck out of my house.” You ordered in a low, trembling tone, a stark contrast to the screams that had been filling the room just moments before. “It's over.”

Did he hear that right?

It’s over.

He was shocked. Getting hit by a bullet would’ve hurt less. He never once thought in his life that hearing you say those words would hurt so damn much, he actually never thought he’d hear those words at all. He swallowed the lump in his throat, suddenly feeling it close and his breath catch, his eyes filling with tears.

“Get out!” You screamed again, your voice cracking from crying. You turned to the window, hands on your face as you waited for him to leave.

You didn't want to see him anymore.

You didn't want him there anymore.

You jumped when you heard the front door slam shut, making a deafening noise. At that precise moment you felt as if all your strength had abandoned your limbs and you fell to the ground, bringing your legs to your chest and crying like you had never done before.

You tried to think through everything that had happened.

You and Jay broke up.

You couldn't believe it, although you knew that moment would come sooner or later.

You had just broke up with the love of your life and felt like the world was collapsing on you. You never wanted it to come to this, damn it, that man was the most beautiful person you'd ever met, you imagined your whole life with him, how could it all be over? How did you end up like this?

Why couldn’t he understand you? Why didn't he try to do it? Why couldn't he see how much you were hurting and how much it hurt to not see any reassurance from him? After all this was what you wanted, just a little reassurance.

You hated him and you hated yourself because despite everything you would’ve taken a bullet rather than see him suffer but you had reached breaking point, you couldn't continue like that.

You loved him so damn much and hated him with same intensity.

You cried all the tears you had in your body, until it was physically impossible for you to expel any more and you remained in that position, sitting on the ground for a time you couldn't quantify.

However, you knew that unfortunately you couldn't stay there forever and that, despite your broken heart, you had a job to do.

As soon as you set foot in the fire station all your colleagues immediately noticed something was wrong. Your eyes were puffy, visible from a mile away even though you were staring at the ground, your posture tense.

You went to your locker and put down the bag with your things inside it, trying with all your being not to cry again. You were at work, you had to be efficient and personal problems had to be left out.

“Y/n, honey, are you okay?” Stella's voice caught your attention but you didn't look at her, you couldn't do it or you would’ve collapsed. You were holding on to the only bit of strength you had to keep from bursting into tears.

“I’m fine.“

“It doesn't seem like it…”

“I'm fine dammit!” You exclaimed loudly, slamming your locker shut and making her jump in fright. You looked at her and a wave of guilt washed over you. “I'm sorry Stel-…” your voice broke as you burst into tears, covering your face with your hands so she wouldn't look at you.

She immediately hugged you and you cried in her arms as she held you and reassured you with all the warmth and affection she had. “Oh darling it's okay, you're not alone, everything will be okay.” She caressed your back and then your hair, while you let yourself go for the second time in less than an hour into one of the most desperate cry of your existence.

Your heart felt torn, completely shattered, as if they had taken it from your chest with their bare hands and dug their nails into it.

“It's okay, I'm here with you, cry as long as you want.”

You had an abyss inside, a storm that was overwhelming you painfully like you never thought it was possible. You didn't believe it was possible to feel such pain, you didn't believe you could even think of suffocating.

And if you were desperate, Jay had reacted in a totally different way.

He was furious.

So angry.

He had never felt something like this, he thought he might explode with anger.

He was angry at you, at himself, at the whole entire world.

It was as if something had flipped a switch inside him, because he could no longer think clearly. After leaving your apartment he didn't know how he managed to get back to his house without getting into an accident, all the way his body was driving but his soul seemed lost, his mind elsewhere.

He slammed the door so hard the noise reverberated throughout the house.

What the fuck had happened? How the fuck did you get to that point? How did you two manage to go from sleeping together the previous night to breaking up the next morning?

It's over.

Your words continued to echo in his brain, repeating over and over again as if he was listening to a broken record.

How could you have done that? How could you have left him?

He was so fucking furious.

“Fuck!” He screamed at the top of his lungs, not even caring if the neighbors could hear him. He would’ve punched anyone who dared to approach him at that moment.

He didn't know how or when it had happened but in the grip of blind fury he found himself breaking any object he came across, throwing vases against the wall, chairs, glasses, anything. The deafening silence in that apartment was broken only by the sound of his heavy and uncontrolled breathing mixed with the crashing of objects against the walls.

This wasn't enough though, he wasn't even able to partially calm the anger he felt.

“Fuck everything! Fuck you!” He screamed again as if you were in front of him.

It's over.

Why?

Jay couldn't give himself an answer. He knew things weren't going well for a while but he’d never, ever, ever imagine leaving you. He wanted to face everything with you, any kind of obstacle, because he wanted it to work, because since he had met you and even when you were just friends he hadn’t doubted for a second you weren’t the woman of his life.

He had said horrible things. Things he didn't even think.

You hadn't ruined his existence, on the contrary, his life would probably have ended in the abyss if he had never met you.

He was shocked.

He didn't want to believe it, he just couldn’t.

He was sure everything would be resolved, your love couldn't just end that way. He hadn't spent years pining for you only to lose you like that, just because of a misunderstanding.

His cell phone rang but he didn't pay attention to it as his shining eyes looked at his half-destroyed apartment.

He had to get out of there, he needed to distract himself as he couldn't stay in that damn room where everything reminded him of you, where everything screamed your name. Hell, if he closed his eyes he could hear your laughter filling his apartment as he chased you one night after you stole the bag of chips he was happily eating.

By the time he arrived at the district the intense anger had somehow subsided even though he was in no condition to do anything as his mind was completely elsewhere.

He had to suppress the urge to roll his eyes when he saw Hailey sitting on his desk. It was her fault and he was hating her for it.

Inside he actually knew this wasn’t true, it was only his fault for not being able to do things differently and yours for not trusting him enough but he wasn’t thinking clearly.

“Halstead where the hell have you been?! I waited for you for more than half an hour!”.

Just hearing her voice was enough to make him go back to the anger he had so difficultly tried to suppress. He didn't have the strength or desire to put up with anyone, especially not at that moment when everything in his life seemed to be falling apart.

“Hailey don't start this bullshit okay? God I can't stand you anymore just leave me the fuck alone! And find yourself another fucking partner from now on I’ve had enough of this shit!”.

Jay's loud voice made Voight leave his office but he didn't care just as he didn't care about the shocked expression with which she looked at him, not expecting that outburst in the slightest.

“What is going on here?” Voight's gravely voice echoed through the unit.

Jay gave him a look and without another word he left, ignoring his boss' voice calling out for him. He was walking down the stairs when he bumped into Kevin.

“Hey man dammit! Woah, are you okay?” Kevin asked, stopping in his steps and getting worried when he noticed the frantic way Jay was walking. He didn't answer him, ignoring Kevin completely as he continued towards the exit of the district.

He couldn't do this, he couldn't deal with this.

He couldn't function if you weren't there.

How was he supposed to do it?

-

The two months following the breakup were one of the hardest Jay had to face. Since you had met years ago that was the first time you hadn't spoken and to say he felt like shit was an understatement.

Some would’ve thought the reaction was exaggerated since you’ve been together for just few months, but Jay had loved you long before he even confessed his feelings for you. You had entered his life like a hurricane and now that you left he felt empty.

Empty.

Lost.

That's how he felt.

And not even these words could remotely describe how he actually felt. He was so used to having you in his life, to sharing everything with you, than even after two months he could resign himself to your breakup.

The anger had subsided but it was still there, no longer towards you – or rather only in a small part – but above all towards himself.

He was angry with you because he couldn't accept how you had given up so quickly at the first big obstacle. But then again, who was he kidding, you had every reason to do it and this was the reason why he, on the other hand, was furious with himself.

After the initial shock, as time passed, Jay had reflected on everything that had happened and what had led to the breakup and, also after speaking with his friends and brother, he realized how many mistakes he had done and how right you were saying he had been a shitty boyfriend.

He had disrespected you by not considering your feelings, he had neglected them thinking every problem would just go away on its own.

He had accused you of being irrational, oppressive and he had never realized how harmful these things were, not trying to really reflect on why were acting like that.

But it was too late.

You only realize you had something important only when you lose it, this was so true.

He mistakenly hadn't given enough importance to your feelings, your thoughts, your fears. He hadn't reassured you enough when you expressed your fears, he hadn't done what was necessary to make you go to sleep peacefully at night and he would’ve cursed himself forever for this.

He was hurting but he knew it was nothing compared to what you had been through with his carelessness and superficiality for so long, so he deserved to suffer. It's true, he deserved it – he thought – but every morning he woke up and wondered when it would end, when that emptiness would go way, when that constant sensation of his lungs being compressed and not being able to breathe would stop.

Talking to Adam one time, he pointed out Jay was wrong for not to setting boundaries with Hailey even though their relationship had always been like this even when you and him were still friends.

“We all noticed how Hailey was looking for every opportunity to get close to you man so I'm sorry to say but everything that happened was your fault. You’re like a brother to me you know this, but Y/n has every reason to be furious with you, you should’ve set some boundaries and shouldn't have never let her think another person comes before her. I don't blame her for breaking up with you.”

These words made Jay open his eyes, although ever since that day when he made that outburst against Hailey in the unit he had relaxed their partnership to the bare minimum after asking Voight to change partner. He no longer spoke to her except for work, he no longer went out when she was around, he didn't answer any calls or messages and god only knew how much he wanted to call you to tell you that but he also knew it was too late to fix it since he should’ve done this much sooner.

He thought about how he would’ve felt if the roles had been reversed and he didn't have to think twice about the fact that he would’ve reacted even worse than you did. This obviously only made him feel worse.

The question he asked himself two months ago was never answered.

Jay didn't know how to function without you. He didn't know how to exist in a world where you weren't part of it.

He couldn't sleep well anymore without you beside him and even though two months had passed, every night he found himself looking at the photos of you two and, God, how much he would’ve paid to go back to those moments and be able to relive them.

His gaze landed on one of the pictures Adam took at Molly's the fucking night when he decided giving Hailey a ride home would be a smart thing to do. God, on second thought if he could just go back in time – not giving a shit about seeming mean and insensitive – he would’ve even let her walk in the rain and snow if it meant having you with him again.

A bitter smile played on his lips as his vision blurred with tears. He had cried so much in those past months, more than he’d ever want to admit, and there were countless times where he called Will to come over and always ended up crying in front of him.

Fuck he missed you so much.

How was it possible to want someone so bad? How was it possible to miss someone so much he felt like he was dying everyday even after two months?

He sniffled as he paid attention to the photo again. You were so beautiful and seemed so carefree. He had his arm around your shoulders and you had half your face buried in his chest as you both laughed about something he couldn’t remember.

Jay struggled to recognize himself.

He didn't remember what it was like to be so happy anymore, to smile so much his jaw hurt, to feel his heart full of joy. By now he no longer smiled, if it wasn't for the strained and fake smiles he addressed to colleagues and friends from time to time.

He was so fucking happy with you and he had let slip the only source of such happiness, the only person who had ever managed to make him almost touch the sky with a finger.

He wiped away a tear that had slipped down his cheek as his finger traced the outline of your figure imprinted in the picture. This was all he had left. Just some photos and videos.

You were so beautiful, the most gorgeous woman his eyes had ever had the pleasure of laying on and the way you smiled in those photos, God, your smile was breathtaking.

The movie played in the background as he continued to look back at all the photos and videos of you he had saved in his gallery for the millionth time. He would’ve let someone rip his organs out with bare hands and let them being sold on the black market if it meant having you back.

He wanted nothing more than to go back to those happy and carefree times, to those moments he seemed to take for granted.

What would he have done to be able to make you laugh like that again, to hug you so hard until he took your breath away. What would he have given to have you back with him, to be able to open the car door for you, to hear you sing all the songs you knew on the radio or to be able to take you to your favorite restaurant and watch you stuff yourself with food with your eyes shining with joy until you exploded.

What he would’ve given to see you watch your favorite movie a thousand more times and be moved every single time while he hugged you and dried the tears you always denied having.

What would he even give to see you so grumpy and sad when your period was about to come but how that nervousness instantly disappeared and how your face lit up the moment he went to your house with a bag full of chocolate and junk food.

What would he have given to be able to sleep beside you again, to be able to cradle you in his arms and whisper sweet words until you fell asleep when you weren't sleepy or when, on the contrary, you denied you were sleepy but ended up falling asleep literally three minutes later . What would he have given to open his eyes in the morning and see you lying next to him, with only the sheet covering your body, to see your hair scattered on the pillow and some strands in front of your face, or feel your scent invade his nostrils every time you were close to him.

And, damn it, he would’ve given anything to even take back your cooking and your terribly prepared dishes. He missed going to your house and seeing the kitchen upside down with literally all the dirty dishes and pots. God, you were a terrible cook but he loved so much the immense effort you put into cooking something you knew he loved and yet he still ate whatever you made for him with a smile on his face, not admitting the food was overcooked or raw or even charred, just so he could see the look of pure joy on your face as he ate it.

He had never left a single plate full.

And that was the difference between you and him.

You always tried hard for him, you always tried to improve, to bite the bullet even if you didn't like something just so as not to bother him. You did it until you reached your breaking point and he understood this, even if it was too late.

Stupid.

Stupid.

Stupid.

The guilt was eating him alive. He couldn't accept in any way the most beautiful things that ever happened to him had ended that way and above all because of him.

He couldn’t stop thinking about you.

What were you doing? Were you thinking of him? Did you miss him? How were you?

It had been two fucking months since he had seen you, that he hadn't heard from you even though he had tried several times to call you and text you even though – understandably – you had never replied to him. He went to your house so many times he couldn’t count them but every single time before knocking on your door he’d froze, not knowing what to do and fearing your reaction. So he turned and walked away, not sparing himself crying like a three-year-old.

He had asked his friends with whom you had kept in touch about you but they said it wasn't their place to say things that concerned you since you two have broken up and that he had to stop hurting himself and take the matter in his hands.

Jay had stopped going out, his life was now home-work work-home. He didn't even know how he managed to do his job, let alone think about going out and sitting at a bar.

The truth was that he was scared as hell.

He was afraid to see you again, he was afraid to look at you and know you no longer gave a fuck about him, he was afraid of how he’d react after so long without seeing you.

He jumped when he heard someone knocking on the door and quickly wiped away his tears, locking the phone and throwing it on the couch before getting up and going to see who it was.

Oh, and the cell phone was new obviously. He didn't want to think back to how he had destroyed the old one by throwing it furiously against the wall.

“Will what are you doing here?” Jay asked as he opened the door and let his brother in, closing it behind him.

“Go get dressed, we’re going out.”

“I'm not going anywhere, I'm watching a movie.” He sat back on the couch, looking at the TV even though he didn't even remember the name of the movie.

“It wasn't a request Jay. I've had enough of seeing you like this. You have to take your life into your own hands, aren't you tired of this?”

Jay rolled his eyes. “Will just leave me alone please, I don't want to go out.”

Will walked over and took the remote control before turning off the TV and placing it back on the coffee table. “Like I said, it wasn't a request. Go get dressed, let's go to a bar for a drink and we are not going Molly's don't worry. You need to get out Jay, you've been doing nothing but staying inside the house for two months.”

“Will… I swear to God,” Jay scolded, feeling his anger and irritation grow more and more.

“No brother, listen to me. I know it hurts, I can only imagine how much but it's time you start to move on. I know you still love her but it's full of people out there you might know. She left you and it was probably for the best...”

Jay didn't even let him finish his sentence.

He suddenly got up and grabbed him by the shirt, seething with anger and refraining from giving him a punch just because he was his brother.

“If you know what's best for you, don't even dare to finish the sentence,” he spat through clenched teeth and Will nodded, knowing he was in no condition to think clearly. Jay let him go but the anger was still there.

“Jay, listen I'm sorry…”

“No fuck you! How can you think it’s better this way? How could you say that! She is the best for me, if it’s not her I don't want anyone else. After all this time, you know what I’ve been through since we were just friend, you know how I won't be able to love anyone like I love her so stop trying to pair me with someone every fucking opportunity you get, I'm sick of it!”.

Will nodded, feeling guilty for pushing his brother so hard. “I’m sorry Jay, you’re right I went too far but I’m just worried about you. I hate seeing you this way and I wasn't kidding about taking back your life. You can't keep going like this,” he said “Let's at least go have a drink and get some fresh air, I promise I won't say anything else.”

So this was how Jay found himself sitting at a bar he had never been to before with his brother – who had also invited other friends besides those from the unit – regretting the fucking moment he agreed with that shit.

Hailey was there too but he didn't even say hello to her or gave her single glance. He didn't care although he knew she had nothing to do with it but he couldn't help but feel resentment towards her.

Don't blame others for your bullshit and for not being able to keep your girlfriend, his conscience added.

Jay ended up drinking and getting drunk until he couldn't stand without help. He wasn't the type to drink but in that moment he would’ve done anything to just stop thinking about you even for just a minute. But the thing was that even when he was drunk he couldn't stop blurting out your name and not think about you, so this was no use.

Will ended up letting him sleep at his house, not feeling like leaving him alone, a chasm in his heart while looking at his brother reduced to that state and not being able to do anything to help him.

“Oh Y/n what have you done do to my brother,” he sighed before casting one last glance at Jay asleep on the bed in the guest room before closing the door behind him.

But if only Will had known what conditions you were in too, he would’ve asked this same question to you.

What have Jay done to you?

In the two months after the breakup, not a day had gone by without not wanting him back and cry in his arms, telling him you regretted leaving him.

It was hard, damn it was, but you had to be strong.

You didn't know how you didn't give in but no matter how much you loved him, no matter how much your heart ached agonizingly, you couldn't go back, not if there was no change.

You believed that at least after the break up he’d try to fight for your relationship, that he’d demonstrate he loved you as much as he professed but you started to wonder if it was even true or not.

The passing of those two months could be compared to riding a roller coaster. One day you were angry like never before, another you seemed to feel better, another you had to ask for a work leave because you had spent the night crying all the tears you had in your body until you didn't even have the strength to get up the next morning.

You had also discovered that alcohol could be a good companion but after three weeks of continuous drinking and you calling some of your friends in tears, you realized it really wasn't that good and it made you think of Jay more than you normally did. You lost count of the number of times your friends had taken your cell phone from you to prevent you from calling Jay in your drunken state.

But you missed that bastard son of a bitch so much.

And you hated yourself because you couldn't hate him even when he had made you suffer.

You asked yourself so many times if it had been the right decision, if you hadn't made it too hastily, letting yourself be guided solely by your negative emotions.

No, your conscience quickly intervened when these thoughts crept into your mind.

You had already spoken up to him many times, you had explained to him how uncomfortable his friendship with Hailey made you feel but he had decided to ignore your words and not give importance to them. All of this hurt you so damn much, especially knowing he didn't care enough like you thought he did.

It didn't matter how much you had to suffer, this wasn’t what you wanted for yourself.

You didn't want to have to beg for his attention, you didn't want to have to tearfully tell him every single time how bad the way he talked and laughed with her made you feel or how ignored you felt sometimes. You wanted a carefree love, you wanted a love where the person next to you took you above all others, a love where your man saw no other person but you, you wanted a love so intense you had to be the center of his world.

And you really thought you won the lottery with Jay.

He was the perfect man for you, or at least he had been for the first few months. God what would you have given to relive those times. They were pure heaven, you felt like you were constantly floating on clouds, almost exploding with happiness. You really felt like the center of his world and you wondered what had happened, why everything had fallen apart.

Maybe you were too pretentious, maybe you lived too much on fairy tales and romance novels, maybe you were destined to be alone and not meet anyone who’d give you what you wanted. Maybe you had to settle down and lower your expectations.

But no, damn it, you’d didn’t want to do that.

You’d never settle for a mediocre love or a person who gave you the bare minimum, even if it meant dying alone.

You knew Jay was and would forever be the one and only, you wouldn’t be able to love anyone like you loved him.

“Y/n you still there?” Stella's voice brought you back to reality.

“Oh yeah, sorry, I was just… A little bit lost in my thoughts.”

You and Stella were taking a walk in the park after your shift, even though it was cold. You had initially refused, wanting nothing more than to go home and cry yourself to sleep as you looked at the photos of you with Jay and regretted the love you had probably lost forever. But Stella didn't want to listen and you had to thank her. You wouldn't have known what to do if she hadn't been there in those two months. She had truly become your rock.

“Don't worry, I get it,” she replied with a sweet smile on her face. “You want to tell me what were you thinking about?”.

“No, I don't really want to talk about it, I've already stressed you out enough with this whole thing,” you said, putting your frozen hands in your jacket’s pockets. There was almost no one in that park if it hadn't been for a few passers-by who were taking their dog for a walk.

Autumn had already begun, the trees were mostly almost all bare from their leaves and you couldn't help but feel like them. Empty, bare, devoid of any emotion other than a sense of loss and profound sadness.

I hate you Jay Halstead.

And I also love you so damn much.

“Y/n I told you a thousand times not to keep things inside, I'm here and I’ll happily listen to you, don't think for a second you can be a burden to me.”

You turned to her and gave her a smile, perhaps one of the only sincere ones you'd given in the last two months. You felt your eyes fill with tears and you cursed yourself for feeling so emotional, how you seemed to do anything but cry at the smallest thing.

She understood you instantly, even when you looked away from her and wrapped an arm around your shoulders, giving you an encouraging hug.

You let out a sigh as the cold air prickled your face, immediately wiping away a lone tear that slid down your cheek.

“I don’t know Stella, I’m so confused…” you started to speak “I miss him so much and I… I wonder when I’ll stop feeling this way.”

“I know you miss him, it's natural Y/n. Don't pressure yourself about this, give yourself time to get over it, it's only been two months,” she paused for a moment, giving you a look, “But you don't want to get over it, do you?”.

How did she know exactly how you felt?

You nodded feebly, feeling terribly stupid.

“I don't want to go on without him, I don't know how to do it... He made me feel like shit and all I can think about is that I’d love nothing more than for him to knock on my door,” you spoke, giving voice to your thoughts “I feel so stupid because I should be mad at him and fuck I am, I wish he had fought for us, I wish he hadn't limited himself to few stupid calls and texts, I wish he had listened to me when I talked to him about our problems, but… God, at the same time if he came back I know I’d go back to him in a heartbeat because I don't know how to be without him...” tears were now streaming down your face and Stella listened to you carefully while she continued to keep her arm around your shoulder. “Am I being crazy?”.

“Oh darling, of course you aren’t. Like I said, it is more than normal, in fact I’d be worried if you didn't feel this way.”

“Was I stupid to leave him?”.

“No, you did the right thing if that’s what you felt, I would probably have done the same thing if Kelly did this or worse. Even if you love Jay to death that doesn't mean you have to spend your relationship feeling anxious every time you see him with Hailey or constantly worrying that something might happen between the two of them, or asking him to spend time with you and take you on dates or something like that. It's best to set the record straight from the start, if there's one thing you shouldn't do it's keep it all inside you. Just know that sooner or later you will explode and believe me, if you had done this the outcome would’ve been far worse.”

“I know, I know… You’re right,” you sighed “But when will this end?” you sniffed at the same time she handed you a tissue.

“I wish I could answer that Y/n, but unfortunately this is love. It's beautiful and ugly, it's joy and pain. I always thought love and hate were two sides of the same coin and it doesn't take much to erase the line between them,” she sighed, feeling sorry for you.

“Well, love sucks right now.”

You both let out a laugh and you dried you tears, again. “Trust me honey I know but… Can I tell you what I think?”.

“Yes, please.”

“I think if fate wants it, it’ll bring you back together. Darling, you two broke up not because the love ended but because you reached the breaking point after so much tension and arguments. I’m one hundred percent sure that everything happened between you was due to communication problems: he didn't fully understand your problems and you didn't have the patience to make him understand them,” she softly spoke.

“Unfortunately, you have to understand you’re two different people honey and as such you have different thoughts and views of life so what’s important for you doesn’t mean it will be as much as important for him and vice versa. He wasn’t good at understanding this and I think this was his fault; he had to put himself in your shoes, and you couldn't take it the fact he didn’t immediately get why his relationship with Hailey – along with other issues – made you feel the way you felt,” she took a pause while you listened with meticulous attention to every single word.

“He was superficial, this is true, but his problem didn't come from this. Think for a second how it must’ve felt to be constantly accused of something that I myself am certain isn’t the truth, to feel the lack of trust from the person you love,” she continued to speak as you both kept waking slowly.

“Y/n that man lives and breathes for you, his heart beats for no one but you, I see the way he looks at you and the way he talks about you when you’re not there. I saw the way he’s struggling right now and I’m very sure if you called him this very moment he’d be here begging you on his knees to come back with him. I’m not on his side though, like I said, I really think you guys just had communication issues and you need a little more patience with each other. I'm not saying you didn't do the right thing, on the contrary, I think this breakup however painful, could be the turning point for you and I'm one hundred percent sure you’ll get back together, just mark my words.”

-

You spent the following weekend locked in your house avoiding any social interaction.

You did nothing but think over and over again about Stella's words during your walk and you would’ve been lying if you said the idea of calling Jay or going to him hadn't crossed your mind more intensely than before.

You didn't do it though, fear and pride blocking you.

What if he had moved on? What if he had already forgotten about you? What if he hooked up with Hailey?

No, no, no, fuck no.

These questions continued to haunt you and were what stopped you from doing something stupid. You wouldn't have been able to bear it, you weren't ready to know this and probably never would’ve been.

It had been two months since you had seen him or heard from him but every time you wanted to ask your friends about him you stopped yourself out of pure selfishness, because you were afraid of the answer. You knew if they answered those unexpressed questions and make your fears reality, it would’ve killed you. You’d never recover, no matter how dramatic and absurd that sounded.

Selfishly speaking, you hoped he was feeling as shitty as you were, just because that would’ve meant he still cared about you and that you were still somewhere in his mind like he was constantly in yours.

Monday came slowly and you were never so grateful for it, feared that if you were left alone with your mind another day you’d shoot your brain out with a rifle.

You entered the shower with the intention of washing yourself quickly, trying to ignore the memories of the ones you took with Jay.

“God please, stop,” you whispered to yourself. Why didn’t it get easier? Why couldn't you do anything without some fucking thing reminding you of him? Why couldn't you just forget?

You burst into tears, letting them mix with the tap water that wet your face. You leaned against the cold tiles, as you sobbed into your hands covering your face.

You couldn't take it anymore.

It was getting unbearable.

You placed a hand at your heart level, feeling how it was beating wildly. Your chest rose and fell rapidly and as numerous sobs came out of your mouth and copious tears from your eyes, you started to feel the horrible sensation of not being able to breathe, as if the walls had suddenly started to close around you.

You were familiar with that feeling unfortunately, it wasn't the first time it had happened to you in those last two months and all you could do was just let it happen, sit on the ground and wait for it to pass.

And that was exactly what you did, sitting on the floor of the shower, letting the water hit your back until it got cold and you calmed down.

When you arrived at work you felt like a zombie.

You hadn't had breakfast, your twisted stomach prevented you from being able to swallow any food, and you felt rather weak.

Absurdly you hoped there would be an accident, a fire, any kind of thing that would allow you to keep your mind occupied for at least a few hours.

And for once in your life, fate seemed to follow your will.

Your team was called to the scene of an accident that very morning, a couple of hours after you arrived at the fire station. It was a road accident, a car had crashed into a guardrail and the victim was trapped in the vehicle.

When you arrived at the crime scene it started raining, making that shitty day even shittier.

You didn't have time to think about the rain, you had a person to save but it made the job even more difficult. The car was completely destroyed in the front and there were pieces of glass from the car windows and braking marks on the asphalt, making you wonder how fast the driver was going to end up in that state. You were even surprised he was still alive.

“Hey buddy just hang on okay? We'll get you out of there, just hold on for a few minutes and don't make sudden movements,” you tried to reassure him, slightly leaning forward so you could look at him. The driver was a boy who couldn’t have exceeded the age of twenty and he was about to have a panic attack. You didn't blame him though, no one would want to be in that situation.

“Get me out of here!” He kept screaming.

You and the other firefighters on the scene worked together to get the victim out of the car which was now reduced to a pile of scrap that looked more like a can of tuna.

You managed to get him out of the car but not before putting a collar around his neck to stabilize the cervical vertebrae in case they were fractured. You and your colleague, Alex, removed him from the car and immediately placed him on the stretcher, locking the straps around his body.

Even though he was almost out of danger, the stranger continued to move, shouting to let him go.

“Hey, hey, hey! Listen to me! It's okay, you're safe now. They’ll take you to the hospital where they’ll treat you okay?” You tried for the umpteenth time to calm the boy down before looking at the paramedics and nodding at them, signing they could finally transport the victim on the ambulance.

“Y/n! Come here!” Alex's voice caught your attention and you joined him towards the crashed car.

“Am I tripping or does this look like blood?” He asked, pointing to the rear trunk which was closed and from which streams of what certainly appeared to be blood were coming out.

“Holy shit,” you let out and you both exchanged a worried look. “Take the crowbar.”

With no small amount of ease you managed to open the trunk and nothing could have prepared you for what you found yourselves facing.

“Fuck!” “Oh shit!” You and Alex exclaimed almost at the same time, covering your noses from the nauseating smell that had hit you right in the face, simultaneously taking steps backwards.

There was a fucking dead body in the trunk of that car and in that moment you understood why the driver was so agitated and in a hurry to run away.

“Call the police.”

It was the Intelligence who intervened at the crime scene and it wasn't even necessary to say you were a bundle of nerves. Your stomach was churning in anxiety as you tried to stay calm, the thought of having to see Jay again almost made you throw up.

You breathed a sigh of relief when you saw Antonio arrive alone, fuck, you weren't ready to face Jay, not on the crime scene where you had found a body.

“Mornin’ guys. So what do we have here?” Antonio asked as soon as he greeted you and Alex. He gave you a longer look than usual, giving you a smile that screamed pity and sorrow.

God, did you look that bad?

Alex explained the situation and everything that happened while you listened. The rain was incessant and by now all your hair was sticking to your forehead even though it was tied up in a ponytail. The cold was almost unbearable even though you were wearing your uniform jacket which was quite heavy.

You were talking to Antonio after Alex got back to your other colleagues when you saw him and you almost had a heart attack.

Jay.

You froze in place, feeling all your muscles suddenly atrophy and paralyze. You blinked several times, fearing you were having a hallucination.

“Y/n? You okay?” Antonio's voice reached your ears very far away, your attention focused on the only person who had ever made your heart beat so fast you feared it’d stop.

You know when you hear in a movie the characters say time stops when they see the person they love?

You had always thought it was just a cliché thing but in that moment you really realized how truth that statement was.

Everything seemed to disappear, rain evaporated, people vanished.

It was two months. Two months of not seeing him. Two months of pure torture and hell and now he was there in front of you, beautiful as the sun.

He was wearing a jacket whose pockets he had put his hands in, a hood covering his hair as he walked towards the yellow police tape. He put a hand out of his pocket to lift it and go under it after nodding to the cops, tucking his hand back into his pocket immediately afterwards.

You felt your knees give away and you didn't know how you managed not to collapse there in front of everyone.

But it was when your eyes met that your breath was completely knocked out of your lungs.

Jay stopped in his tracks instantly, as if he'd bumped into something. He couldn't help but widen his eyes and part his lips as his brain processed the vision in front of him.

Was it really you? Wasn't he dreaming?

The cold vanished almost instantly as a sensation of heat coursed through his body, causing every cell in his system to light up on fire. He didn't expect to see you, not like that and not after two months.

He had to repress the desire to run to you and throw himself at your feet and pray for your forgiveness. He was overwhelmed by a wave of emotions.

Happiness.

Sadness.

Repentance.

Emptiness.

Anger.

Pain.

The memories of your last meeting overwhelmed him. His heart shattered even more than it already was when he remembered the last time he had seen and spoken to you, you both had shouted the worst evil things at each other.

It's over.

Even from afar your eyes managed to hypnotize him but he couldn't help but notice how the light that characterized them, that light in those eyes he continuously dreamed about and which he still loved with all his being, had disappeared.

And it was his fault, he was the one who did this to you.

He had noticed the dark circles surrounding your eyes, perhaps even worse than his, and guilt was added to all those feelings he felt.

It was all his fault.

His eyes filled with tears when you looked away, wanting nothing more than to run away and cry.

He saw Antonio turn towards him and give him a look before returning his attention to you and saying something. Jay didn't have the strength to get closer, the fear was paralyzing him. He couldn’t even let out a sound.

But how much he wanted to scream at the top of his lungs how much he loved you, so deeply you made completely lose his mind to the point he couldn’t breathe without you, sleep, or even eat.

He just stood there like an idiot while staring at you, not moving a single muscle.

You’re so fucking mesmerizing Y/n. How can someone be so beautiful?

You said something to Antonio and looked at Jay again before turning your back and walking away, joining the rest of your colleagues who were about to go back to the fire station.

“Halstead you okay?” Antonio asked as he approached him but Jay didn't even seem to listen to him as his eyes were following your every move. “Jay.”

“I'm fine,” he murmured, never taking his eyes off you. You were taking some tools he couldn't even identify and loading it onto the fire truck.

“Jay, man, look at me please.”

But he didn't.

He didn't take his eyes off you until you got into the truck and drove away, not before you exchanged another look.

Jay let out a sigh he didn't even know he was holding, then ran his hands over his face wet because of the rain.

He looked at the gray sky for a moment, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath in an attempt to regain control of himself.

He hated all of this. He hated you still had so much control over him, his thoughts, how you managed to mess him up so badly he couldn't properly function anymore. You had such power over him and you didn't even know it. How the fuck could you even doubt he didn't care about you?

“I’m sorry,” he murmured when he realized how idiotic he must have looked.

“Don’t worry about it.”

“How is she?”.

Antonio sighed. “She… She’s not doing very well Jay, she was shaking when she saw you. Why don't you just talk to her and solve your problems? It's so obvious that neither of you are over it yet.”

It was now late afternoon and Jay was out of his mind.

For the rest of the day he thought of nothing but you and meeting you that morning. Even as the team investigated the case about the body you found, everyone had noticed how his mind was totally elsewhere.

He said something from time to time, participating in the investigations when he seemed to wake up from his thoughts and then immediately distanced himself from them again.

He didn't miss Voight's lecture, who chided him about how distracted he had been lately. He told him he understood the hard time he was going through but that he should leave his problems outside the district.

He was quite understanding, even when Jay came to him and told him he no longer wanted to be partnered with Hailey, but enough was enough. Jay had to be concentrated, he couldn't afford distractions in a job like his because just one small mistake could’ve cost him his life.

“What happened man? You seem even more out of your mind than usual today,” Adam stated when he entered the break room and saw his friend sitting on the small sofa, looking down and a cup of steaming coffee in his hands.

“I saw her,” Jay replied softly.

“What? Seriously? When? Have you guys talked?”.

Jay shook his head. “This morning, at the crime scene, she was one of the firefighters there,” he sighed as his mind was haunted by your eyes “We didn't talk. I just looked at her from afar.”

Adam sighed as he poured himself some coffee too. “How much longer are you planning to go on like this? You're becoming unbearable Halstead.”

“Excuse me?”.

“Yes, you heard me mate. You’ve been a pain the ass. Either you get back with her or move on, just stop crying to yourself like a baby and do something. Are you waiting for a fucking miracle to get you back together? Then you can wait forever because it will never happen. You make your own destiny.”

Jay looked at him not knowing whether to laugh or feeling offended.

But damn, was he right.

He was tired of feeling this way, of this continuing suffering, of being without you. It had been too long and he didn't want to live that way anymore. He no longer wanted to wake up in the morning and constantly wonder when the damn day would end, he no longer wanted to roll over in bed and not seeing you lying next to him, he no longer wanted to wake up in the middle of the night because of some nightmare where you were happily in love with another man.

He wanted to be your man, he wanted to give you all the happiness you deserved, he wanted to be the one to give you everything you needed.

He had been so stupid for even letting this much time pass.

All he had to do was go to you and do everything within his power to make you truly trust him again, to proving you how much he loved you, how much his world revolved only around you, how much only you made him happy.

Either it was you or he’d die in total solitude and he didn't want that. He wanted to be with you, he wanted to die like a decrepit old man while he held your hand.

He hadn't spent so many years of friendship longing for you only to give up like that and let you go, he couldn't do that. He didn’t want to live with that ‘if’, with the fear of taking a few steps towards you because he was afraid of your rejection, even if it would’ve hurt him, he wanted to give his all.

For this reason he placed the cup of coffee on the table and ran away at the speed of light, leaving Adam standing there who, however, immediately understood the intentions of his friend and grinned to himself.

Jay didn't bother wearing his jacket or getting an umbrella to protect himself from the rain that was pouring incessantly since the morning, not caring about anything other than coming to you.

Although it was only 5:30 PM, it was already dark outside. The rain was pounding so hard the walk from the district to his car was enough to get him soaked from head to toe.

If in other moments he would’ve torn a limb rather than get into the car with his soaked clothes and wet the seats, in that instant it was the last thing on his mind. He thought about how you’d react seeing him in that situation, he knew you’d tease him forever. Just the thought made him smile.

It was Monday and he knew you had a double shift that day so he drove to the fire station at the speed of light, hoping to find you there. He didn't care you were in the middle of the shift, he just needed to see you.

He parked the car crookedly, got out and ran towards the fire station. The first person he met was Stella, who looked at him with a weird look as soon as she noticed the condition he was in.

“Stella, hi... Where is Y/n? I need to talk to her.”

He gave her a confused look at her when he saw her slightly grinning as she crossed her arms over her chest. “Finally Halstead, took you long enough don't you think? Two months…”

“I know, I've been a stupid piece of shit,” he interrupted her not being able to contain himself anymore “But please tell me where she is.”

“She went home an hour and a half ago, she said she wasn't feeling well.”

Worry took over. “Wait what? Did something happened?”.

Stella rolled her eyes. “You're such an idiot Jay. Physically she's fine, emotionally not much and it's because of you,” she pointed her index finger at his chest. “You better fix the mess you've made.”

He felt like shit, more than he already was. He hated the thought of you being in pain, especially because of him. “I'll try, if she still wants to talk to me.”

“She has every reason not to,” Stella commented.

He nodded. She was right. “She’s home right?”.

“Last time I checked, yes.”

“Thank you Stella.”

Jay started to walk away but her voice made him stop.

“I never want to see her cry again Jay so if you don't believe in what you're doing and if you think you can't give her what she needs you better turn around and drive your stupid ass back to your house,” she threatened him. “She wouldn't be able to go through everything she's been through these past few months again, so I'm warning you, I'll rip your balls off and make you wear them like earrings if you make her suffer again.”

“I'm not going to Stella, she…” he sighed trying to find the right words to describe how he felt about you “She is my whole world, I've never been as sure of anything as I am of how much I love her, I just want her back.”

Stella nodded. “Now go.”

When Jay arrived outside your apartment building, a wave of relief went through him as he noticed your car was parked in its usual spot. But it was soon replaced by disappointment when after knocking your door several times there was no answer.

He thought about calling you but he didn't want to scare you away, he didn't want you to have the chance to escape since he wanted to talk to you at all costs.

He went outside again, and sat on the steps outside the main entrance waiting for you, his head bowed as droplets of water were falling on the asphalt. He luckily managed to sit where the rain wouldn’t come although the still soaked clothes were starting to bother him. He didn't care though, this was truly the last thing on his mind.

Where were you? Were you alone? Were you with anyone else?

He shook his head. He didn't even want to think about it, knowing he’d most likely get a life sentence without parole if he ever saw another man next to you.

He didn’t also want to think it wouldn’t be his businesses since you two weren’t together anymore.

Contrary to what Jay thought, you had just gone for a walk, unable to stay at home since you were afraid if you were left alone with your thoughts again you’d go crazy. You thought you were stupid for asking to leave early from work so you could stay at home and rest but then didn't want to stay because the anguish was so intense you couldn't even sit still.

So you ended up taking an umbrella and going out for a walk, without a specific destination. You just wanted to clear your head and get some fresh air. Even though the rain was bothering you since that morning, you still loved the sound of it and the smell it left in the air.

Seeing Jay had shocked you more than you would’ve ever imagined, even though you knew quite well how it’d end. You had wondered numerous times what it’d be like to meet him again after two months of not hearing from him, you knew it wouldn't be easy, but you didn't think it would’ve such a deep effect on you to not even let you do your job.

It was as if you jumped back to the day you broke up and that very little progress you had made over the course of those months disintegrated as soon as you met his beautiful eyes.

You walked for a time that seemed infinite to you even though barely an hour had passed and when your hands started to lose sensitivity due to the cold, you decided it was the time to head back home.

The journey to your apartment building took longer than expected, not in a hurry to return to those four cold walls as you knew the rough night awaited you. That is, crying and alcohol.

But if you had known what – or rather who – awaited you, you would’ve run until your lungs burned.

“Jay…”

You almost had a heart attack when you noticed the figure sitting on those steps, recognizing immediately the very and only man who managed to take your breath away and the ground off your feet with just a look.

You immediately saw how soakes wet his clothes were and how he wasn't even wearing a jacket over his long-sleeved shirt and your heart ached painfully.

How long was he there?

He shoot his gaze up from the ground when he heard your voice, fearing for a moment it was too good to be true and you weren't really there. He stood up quickly, standing in front of you.

“What are you doing here?” You asked with a shaky voice, struggling to hold the eye contact. Why did you want to cry so suddenly?

“I… I’m sorry for popping in here unannounced, I need to talk to you.”

Your stomach tightened in a vice, though you knew you had no other choice. You had to do it, you needed it too.

You nodded. “Let's go upstairs though.” You continued, feeling your heart break at thought he might catch something.

He nodded back and at the same time let out a sneeze before looking down in embarrassment. If it wasn’t for the fact you had broken up badly and this was the first time you interacted since that faithful day, you would’ve found it funny.

You closed your umbrella and entered your apartment building, aware Jay was behind you, and you both walked up to your home in complete silence.

Jay almost burst into tears when you opened the door and let him in, feeling a wave of nostalgia wash over him. He could smell your scent perfectly – well it was normal since it was your house – but he missed it so fucking much he thought he’d collapse on the floor.

He looked around, noticing everything was the same, but different at the same time. Two months had passed since he had set foot in that house but it seemed like an eternity since it had been the worst time of his life.

Silence reigned supreme as he looked at you taking off your jacket and hung it on the coat rack, after placing the wet umbrella in its stand.

You disappeared into your room for a moment and he stood there frozen, not knowing what to do.

He hated that feeling so fucking much, he hated not knowing how to act around you, what to say or what to do. You had always been his best friend, the person he felt most at peace with, you were the love of his life and yet at that moment he couldn't even look at you in the eyes without feeling like complete shit.

“I brought you some dry clothes, you can go change and put the wet ones in the dryer,” you said as soon as you walked out of your room, holding some folded clothes that Jay immediately recognized as his.

A little hope lit up inside him.

You still had his clothes, a black t-shirt and sweatpants. He had even forgotten you had them in first place but the relief and joy he felt from that small gesture almost made him burst into tears.

God I feel like a fucking emotional teenage girl.

“I thought you threw them away,” he replied, moving closer to you. You shook your head, but didn't look at him, too embarrassed to do it. If only he had known you had spent nights wearing those clothes and smelling his scent while crying yourself to sleep.

He took them and as he did it your hands touched.

You both tried to maintain a neutral facade but from the brief glance you exchanged you knew it affected both of you at the same way. It was as if an electric shock ran through your bodies and that small, almost imperceptible touch was enough to throw both of you into a whirlwind of indescribable emotions.

“Uhm… I-I… Well… I’ll just go,” he stammered before running to the bathroom and closing the door behind him.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, Y/n what are you doing to me,” he whispered, resting his forehead on the door as he caught his breath.

You let out a deep breath you didn't realize you were holding, placing a hand on your chest in an attempt to slow down your heart that was beating so hard it felt like it wanted to escape from your rib cage.

“I need a drink,” you said to yourself and went to the kitchen with the intention of drinking something strong.

You were still processing what was happening.

Jay was at your house.

Your ex-boyfriend and the love of your fucking life was at your house, in your bathroom, changing his wet clothes.

You tried to convince yourself it was reality and not just your dream as you poured some whiskey into a glass and downed it in one gulp like a shot.

You were so lost in your thoughts you didn't even realize Jay was back. You gave him a look, cursing yourself as you did since Jay in black was one of your weaknesses.

Lord please have mercy on my poor soul.

“How long have you been a whiskey drinker?”.

“Do you really want to know?” You responded with another question, looking up at him and taking another shot of alcohol, the burn along your throat now quite familiar.

You looked at each other for a few seconds and he shook his head slightly, knowing full well the answer to that question. He lowered his eyes to the floor, the guilt too strong.

“You want something?” You politely asked as you closed the bottle.

“No, thank you.” He wanted to talk to you as clearly as possible.

You nodded and placed the dirty glass in the sink.

Silence reigned supreme again and you walked past him before going into the living room and sitting on the couch. Your palms were sweating and you wondered why this had to be so damn hard.

Jay followed you like a puppy, but remained standing.

“You can sit Jay.”

He never thought about it but his name never sounded so wonderful until he heard you say it. Everything that came out of your lips was pure poetry to his ears, except when you insulted him, that was like getting stabbed by thousands knives.

He sat down on the couch, painfully far away from you.

“How are you?“ Was the first thing Jay asked and he mentally smacked himself on the forehead for his stupidity. He hadn't seen you for two months after you two had a horrible breakup and the smartest thing he could think of was ‘how are you?’.

Fucking dumbass.

You raised your head and your eyes met his, looking at him with an indecipherable expression. “You want the honest truth?”.

“Always.”

“Not very good Jay,” you gave a fake tight half smile “And now that you're here even less so.”

He sighed, obviously expecting this response, leaning back on the couch as he thought about what he could say.

“I'm sorry.” Was all he could spit out.

You imitated his gesture and leaned against the back of the sofa too, crossing your fingers over your belly while your eyes were fixed on the ceiling as if it was the most interesting thing you had ever seen.

You both remained silent for a moment. You looking at the ceiling and him looking at you.

With his eyes he traced the outline of your profile in meticulous detail, thinking about how much he missed being able to be close to you and look at you. He analyzed every inch of skin of your face, taking pictures with his gaze with the hope of imprinting them all in his memory in case he was no longer able to look at you like that.

“What did you want to talk to me about?” you asked, not looking at him.

He had to bite his tongue to keep from telling you how beautiful you were, fearing he’d get nothing more than a slap in the face, probably deserved too.

“So many things but I don’t know where to begin, I… I had a speech but I can’t even remember my own name now.”

You turned your head towards him and you looked at each other for a while in a way Jay couldn’t decipher, making him wish he could read your mind.

Your eyes never left each other as silence filled the room, the air was so tense it could be cut with a knife.

“How did we end up like this Jay?” It was you who broke the silence after a while, your voice so low you thought he hadn't even heard you.

“It was my fault,” he replied without hesitation “I… You were right Y/n, I was a shitty boyfriend,” he continued referring to what you had told him that fateful morning.

“No, it was my…”

“No bab- Y/n…” he tried to correct himself but it was too late because your heart had already skipped a beat. “I won't let you think it was your fault. I neglected you, I took you for granted, I was arrogant enough to think that once we got together we could just be happy without any effort. But I was wrong, I didn't realize I had hurt you so much and believe me... Please believe me, I’ll spend the rest of my days beating myself for this.”

“I hurt you too…” you whispered, feeling your eyes full of tears and afraid you’d start crying at any moment.

His chest tightened as he saw your sad expression and God only knew how much he wanted to hug you, holding you so tightly to his chest until he’d make all your pain go away.

He shook his head. “You were just angry, now I know, I understand it. I know your constant arguing with me was your way of telling me I wasn't doing enough for you and I'm sorry for putting you through all of this… I… I'm sorry for making you doubt me and I’ll never forgive myself for that Y/n because I lost the best thing that ever happened to me in life.”

Hearing those words made those little defenses you had managed to built collapse. You got up suddenly as tears ran down your cheeks, wiping them away in the process. You stood by the window, turning your back to him so he wouldn't see you.

He stood up right after you and carefully approached you. He moved his hands with the intention of resting them on your shoulders to comfort you but he stopped, not wanting to overstep your boundaries and make the situation even worse.

“Look at me Y/n please, I need to look into your eyes,” he whispered in a pleading tone. You quickly wiped your tears with your palms and turned to him, but kept your gaze lowered. “Hey…” He called your attention and you finally looked up at him. Your eyes were incredibly shiny from the tears but they had never been more beautiful than they were in that moment and finally being able to look at them so closely was like being punched in the stomach.

“I don't blame you, I don't blame you for a single thing you did or said, I hope you know that. I'm angry at myself for not giving you what you needed and for not realizing in time you were slipping through my fingers,” he confessed, “I haven't been fair to you, I've been superficial and selfish and… I stupidly thought our love would be enough for everything to go easy, but I was so wrong, because love is not just this, love is also understanding, patience, compromise and I failed giving you this...” he talked so softly it made your heart hurt.

Tears continued to leak from your eyes down your cheeks as you listened to the words you had wanted to hear for so long. This was all you ever wanted.

“I hate seeing you like this and I hate myself more for being the cause of it,” he continued in a whisper as the lump in his throat prevented him from saying anything else. “Can I?”.

You nodded without even knowing what he was referring to and your subconscious cursed you for reacting so quickly to whatever he said.

He lifted his hands and cupped them gently on your face, wiping away every tear with his thumbs with so gentle movements you thought you were dreaming of his touch.

You closed your eyes at that touch while at the same time letting out a sigh of relief. It didn't matter how long you denied it to yourself, you missed that man like oxygen, you were nothing without him.

“I hope you'll forgive me one day even though I know I don't deserve it…” his voice broke at the last words and with a blow to your heart you realized that he too was crying.

“Jay don't-…” you managed to mutter with a shaky voice.

“No, wait, please, let me talk,” he interrupted you, sniffling and never leaving your gaze “I need to tell you these things, I need you to know how much I care about you and how much I love you. I…” he stopped again, unable to continue moving forward and lowered his gaze, not being able to look at you anymore.

“Can I?” You whispered back and his eyes met yours again, chuckling through his tears before nodding. That time you were the one wiping away his tears with your fingers, gently stroking his skin with your thumbs, enjoying that sensation you missed so badly.

“Fuck baby, I don't deserve you.” He murmured hoarsely. “But I'm too selfish to let you go.”

His thumbs continued to caress your cheeks as you slid your arms to your sides.

“Let me decide that.”

“Before you do I want you to know I’ve never for a second stopped thinking about you. These past months have been pure hell, a fucking nightmare and I deserve it, for the way I treated you but I'm so pissed at myself because you didn't deserve it at all,” He croaked “I disrespected you by not respecting your wishes, and not giving your feelings the importance they deserved but I swear to you Y/n, I swear to you because you’re the most important person in my fucking life,” he looked intensely into your eyes, so much as if he somehow hoped you could read his soul. “Nothing has ever happened with Hailey or any other woman and I am so sorry I made you doubt it with the way I acted.”

“You’re the only woman of my life, you’re the woman I want to build my future with, you’re the woman I want to marry, you’re the woman I want to be the mother of my children, you’re the woman with whom I want to grow old and with whom I want to die,” he spat out as more lonely tears marked his cheeks, tears you immediately took and wiped away without hesitation. He softly smiled, making your heart race and your breath quicken, as he leaned against your touch.

“I can't exist without you, I can't function if you're not here baby and I wish I could let you into my head and heart… Fuck… You wouldn't doubt for even a second every fucking cell of my body don't have your name written on them I swear. You own me, in a way you’ll never imagine.”

You couldn't answer the question of how you were still standing as with each passing second you felt your knees buckle more and more. You were a crying mess, you couldn’t even look at him properly because of your blurred vision.

“I've been a selfish son of a bitch but I swear to you, and please believe me, there hasn't been a time since I first saw you that night at Molly's years ago that you haven't been in my mind. You came into my life like a hurricane Y/n and from the first time you smiled at me I never doubted for a second I finally met the love of my life, the greatest I could ever ask for.”

His fingers caressed your hair while you feared you’d have a heart attack at any moment.

“I know these will probably be empty words but if only you’d give me a chance my little angel, I promise I’ll do everything I can to make you happy and give you everything you deserve,” he whispered “I'm not giving up on us, even if now...

The ringing of his cell phone interrupted him and he let out a “Fucking hell” before taking it from his trouser pocket.

Contrary to what you expected, he rejected the call without no hesitation or even looking who it was and threw the phone on the sofa, not caring it bounced and then fell on the floor.

“I'm sorry…” he looked at you again.

“Why didn't you answer?”.

“Because I don't care about anyone else beside you right now.”

“But what if it was important?”.

“Nothing is more important than you Y/n, I hope I can convince you of that one day.”

“But…”

“Nothing but baby,” he placed his hands on your face again, freezing when he realized what he had just said “S-sorry I…” He didn’t realize it but he had already said it few other times.

You tried to hold back a smile and shook your head, letting him know it didn’t bother you. In fact, the way that pet name made you feel was something indescribable.

“I don’t want you to think I was thinking about her but Hailey’s not my partner anymore.”

He dropped this news like a bomb without even finished what he was saying earlier, leaving you in shock, not expecting something like this at all. “What? Why?”.

“Because it's something that bothers you.”

“Jay it didn't bother me she was your partner but…”

“I know,” he interrupted you, “It bothers you the way I behaved with her even though it meant absolutely nothing to me, the fact I was with you and when she called me I answered her, that I gave her a ride her, and all the things that happened. I know, I get it now, and this was fucked up on my part and I only now understand how you felt about it and I'm so sorry...”

“I'm glad you understand now but you still didn't even have to change partners Jay.”

“Y/n, I know it. I know it wasn't even necessary not to speak to her anymore except for something related to work but this is what I wanted and want to do. It might be dramatic but for me it's the least I can do for you,” he spoke in a firm and decisive tone “I had to set some boundaries, show you respect and understand how much all of this hurt you. I had to understand it was something that deeply troubled you instead of fueling your fears and making you feel like you were a burden.”

You looked at him with shock.

Who the hell was this man?

“You come first angel, everything else is worth less than a zero for me. I now get that if something hurts you than I have to figh tooth and nail to prove to you that whatever goes through this little head will never make me stop loving you, caring about you or needing you more than the air I breathe, so if you tell me my partnership with Hailey is bothering you, I'll get rid of it.”

“But it's not fair you… You don’t have to give up your friendship with her for me. I don't want you to have to deprive yourself of all this Jay, I never asked for this...”

“…You just wanted to be reassured,” he continued the sentence for you and you nodded feebly. “But listen to me. I know you didn't ask me, no one did, I decided to do it and there won't be anything that will make me change my mind. Y/n I want to do everything I can to make you trust me again, I don't care what it entails, even if it means burning up the whole world to the ground I will do it, without hesitation. I want you to understand that nothing’s more important to me than you, that you come above anyone else. Please, I don't want and I can't be without you anymore, I can't baby...”

Jay stopped talking for a second but continued noticing your silence. “And if this makes you feel better, I don’t want to keep a friendship with someone who acted the way she did. A friend doesn't try to intrude on your relationship, I was just too trusting and stupid to understand it and I'm sorry you had to pay for it.”

You pulled away from him for a moment, suddenly feeling suffocated. You sat on the couch again, resting your elbows on your knees and your face covered by your hands as you considered everything Jay had said so far.

Your mind was in a whirlwind of emotions and you couldn't figure out which of the thousand thoughts to listen to first.

Your rational part would’ve told him it was too late, that it was easy to fix your mistakes when the damage had been done.

But your non-rational part, the bigger one, would’ve thrown your arms around him and hugged him until he lost his breath.

You appreciated everything he had told you, so relieved he had finally understood what your real problem was with everything that had happened.

You loved him so much, so terribly much and the relief you had at hearing those words lifted a weight off your shoulders. But you still were so confused and didn't know what to do.

You didn't want to make hasty decisions following only your heart and you equally didn't want to make others that you might regret.

You felt the sofa sink next to you, a sign Jay had sat down.

“I… I know my job is to show you how much you mean to me and you might think that by rooting out Hailey's problem I've just gone with the easy solution but I hope you know that's not the case. I would choose you in a room with a billion people, I would still looking for you. It's just been my way of making you understand that neither Hailey nor any other woman is as indispensable in my life as you are, none of them are worth losing you.” He spoke softly. “I’ll never get tired of repeating you’re the only one who exists for me, I have eyes only for you and it will be like this until my last breath. All I want is to see you happy baby, I want to make you happy. The problem wasn't just my friendship with Hailey, I know that, I didn’t pay enough attention to you and I want to make up for every single mistake I made... And…”

You started crying again, just when you thought you had managed to control your emotions and he noticed.

“And I love you so damn much,” he whispered these last words like some sort of spell.

After what seemed like an infinite amount of time to him, you finally looked up at him. He gently wiped away your tears for the umpteenth time, trying not to focus on how painful it was to see you like that.

“To say these two months have been hell is an understatement,” you sobbed, but still tried to speak, “I've been so angry at you Jay.”

“I know and you have every right to.”

“Every single day I hoped you’d knock on my door and say these exact words to me. Why didn't you do it? God Jay, I would’ve gotten back with you before I even let you talk. Why didn't you fight for us?”.

His heart broke into a thousand little pieces. “Because I'm a stupid piece of shit. I know you won't believe me but I was scared as fuck. I've come here so many times, actually, but I've never had the courage to knock on the door.”

“Really?”.

He nodded mentally smacking himself for his stupidly as he could’ve avoided to both of you months of suffering. “Yes, I was scared to face you. I was afraid you’d tell me it was forever over and you didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore, I honestly wouldn't have been able to survive something like that. As twisted or dumb as it sounds, I had the hope one way or another fate would bring us together again and I was afraid that if you told me no then this hope would die.”

“What made you come here today?”.

“Seeing you this morning reminded me of everything I had lost. In reality, Adam also helped me knock some sense in me but, well... I realized I don't want to cry anymore and that I want to do everything to get you back.”

You looked at him for a few moments in silence, studying his words and his wonderful features.

“I’ll fight for us Y/n, I can't be without you anymore, I feel like I'm going crazy.”

“I don't want you to think it's all your fault though, it's not.”

“Indeed it is…”

“No. It was also my fault, I shouldn't have given up so quickly, I should’ve trusted you a little bit more and explained myself better, be more patient and give you the time to understand my feelings and demanded to fix them immediately, without thinking you too had to adapt your own thoughts to mine. I was selfish too Jay.”

Jay looked at you with so much intensity and so fervently it suddenly made you feel small and naked under his eyes. He looked at you as if he wanted to get under your skin, he looked at you like a painter looks at his own work of art, like a sculptor looked at his own creation. He looked at you with so much love and sweetness this alone would’ve been enough to make you fall into a thousand pieces.

God, how much you missed the way he looked at you. As if you were the only one in the world, as if you were the most beautiful of the seven wonders of the world, as if you were everything his eyes wanted to see. This was what you missed, what you wanted: feeling like you were the only one for him.

“Don't slap me but I want to kiss you so fucking bad right now,” he whispered, fearing your reaction but at the same time unable to hold his tongue.

You let out a small chuckle through your tears as you dried them and straightened your back. You would’ve been lying if you said you didn't want him to jump on you.

“I'd like to see you try.”

“Oh don't tempt me sweetheart. I could make you squirm under me in less than five minutes if I wanted.”

Please just say yes baby.

You let out a louder laugh this time and threw one of the sofa cushions at him, especially because he was completely right and it wasn't something you wanted to find out at that moment.

He let out a mock cry of pain even though inside he was exploding with joy. He didn't know if it was more the fact you had thrown the pillow at him and actually jokes with him or because he finally heard you laugh. He was almost tempted to tickle you even though you hated it just so he could make you laugh and record the sound and set the recording as the ringtone on his cell phone.

Did he already say he loved you so fucking much he couldn't breathe?

“I'm scared Jay.” You whispered as the air became serious again. He moved closer to you and took your hand, drawing imaginary circles on its back with his thumb, a gesture he used to do to comfort you.

“I know, but I'll make it worth it. I never want to spend a day without you again, I’ll give you the world. I promise,” he whispered as his eyes caressed your face in a little dance, observing your features and every peculiarity of your beautiful skin. “I can't even tell you in words how much I love you Y/n. Just… Just tell me what you want and I'll give it to you. You want me to get on the roof and jump? I'll do it. Do you want me to blow up some buildings? Give me the address. I’m begging you…”

You chuckled again and he felt victorious for managing to make you smile again. He left out the part where he would actually do anything he just said.

“I love you to death Jay, more than you could ever imagine…” you murmured “And I'm so scared because if... If it doesn't work I won't be able to go through this again,” you paused for a second. “I don't have the strength. I never want to experience anything like that again, I would rather shoot myself.”

“No, no, no, no, this will never happen. There will never be an 'if it doesn't work' again. I'm here to stay and I want to make you the happiest you've ever been, please Y/n, I can't be without you anymore.”

He placed his free hand on your cheek and before your brain could even process it, your body had already responded and you found yourself leaning against his touch.

You looked at each other for few moments, still not believe all of this was real.

“I want us to take it slow. We went too fast the first rime we got together thinking we knew each other well because we were friends before. I want to know the real you, and I want you to really know me.”

“Yes, yes, yes, fuck yes, whatever you want baby,” he replied so quickly he embarrassed himself while he felt his heart beating so fast it was most likely going to explode.

“Or maybe it's better that we just be friends again. It seemed to work just fine,” you decided to tease him and the look of pure horror and shock that crossed his face was priceless. You so badly wished you could take a photo of him in that moment.

“I know you're taking the piss out of me right now, but you and I could never be friends again, never, ever, ever, again.”

“Why?”.

“You’re seriously asking me why? Have you heard any of the words I just said?” He raised an eyebrow and you shrugged, trying not to laugh. “Because there hasn’t been a single day where you were just a friend to me. I have loved you much longer than you’ll ever know baby, so no. Absolutely no friends.”

You bit your cheek to try and suppress a smile but it was in vain, Jay realized it before you could even try to hide it from him and he had to suppress the urge to kiss you right now and there.

“That's not what you should say when you're taking things slowly, you know?”.

He sighed. “You're going to torture me aren't you?”.

You nodded and his eyes lit up like a Christmas tree as they looked at you and he swore if you looked closely you could see his pupils had turned into a heart shape.

“Baby, I'd let you tie me naked to a pole and in the middle of a storm if that's what you wanted, don't even play with me right now.”

You laughed, your heart now lighter.

You didn't know if you were doing the right thing, if you had reacted hastily and without thinking but at that moment you didn't care. After all, that’s how love was: it was irrational, unconditional, vulnerable, overwhelming, it was messy. You couldn't just follow a plan or predict what to do.

You were aware you were taking an immense risk, that you were risking hurting yourself again in a deep and irreparable way but you wanted to have a little more faith in him. You had always wanted that intense love worthy of fairy tales and you knew he was the only one who’d be able to give it to you even if it meant facing the unknown and the possibility of suffering again.

And the more you looked at Jay, the more you were convinced this was a risk you were willing to take.

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Main Masterlist

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[countrymusiclover]

1 - Being the New Neighbor

Part 2

Dr. Redheaded Neighbor

Tag list @annieradcliff

Holding one large box in one arm I had two smaller ones on top of it. I hit the front desk button on the outside of the building hoping someone would be coming soon. I was nowhere near done unpacking my car and I had my best furry friend sitting at my feet. “Don’t worry, Maxon. Somebody should be coming to let us in.”

“Do you need some help?” Glancing over my shoulder I heard a guy’s voice call out for my attention.

I hesitated to hope I could do it myself. I had decided to move out at the age of eighteen with myself, my dog and some money to my name before I headed to basic training. “Oh no. I um - think I have it.”

“I don’t know about that. I’ve only lived here for a few months but it’s rare most people are mingling in the lobby this late at night.” The guy explained walking up the small set of stairs to stand beside me.

I pressed the button again looking through the small glass of the door not seeing anyone. “I’m really fine. We’re gonna be fine.”

“We. So, what’s this guy's name?” The stranger eyed the dog laying at my feet. Maxon lifted his head when the guy bent down reaching forward to touch his fur to which I gave a head nod in agreement. “Hey bud, I’m Will. Uh - I actually should be introducing myself to you first I suppose.”

I groaned, getting tired of holding the boxes in my arms. “Ugh! Sorry I didn’t think to introduce myself but clearly you seem to be right about nobody working at the front desk.”

“Oh here, let me help you.” Will rose to his feet sliding a key card in front of the scanner before the door was unlocked. He reaches over taking the boxes from my arms.

“You don’t have to take those.”

He responds. “It’s no big deal. Can you get the door though?”

“Sure. Maxon, come.” I patted my leg signaling him to follow me when I held the second door open for Will to walk through and we followed after his heels before letting the door shut behind me. “Thank you, Will. I can take it from here.”

He set the boxes down, eyeing me. “Do you live in this building? I haven’t seen you around before Ms...”

“I actually just got my keys to live here a few hours ago. So, I guess that makes us neighbors.” I tucked a piece of hair behind my ear, sticking my hand out towards him. “Mallory. Mallory Easton.”

He shakes my hand smiling. “William Halstead. But I prefer everyone to call me Will.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Will. Oh, and you’ve already met my dog Maxon here.” I gesture my freehand down to my dog who was sitting at my feet with his tail slightly wagging back and forth.

Will bends down picking up the boxes a second time tilting his head towards the stairwell that was near us figuring it was more comfortable if we weren’t just chatting in the lobby. “Why don’t we get the rest of your stuff upstairs and then we can keep chatting over some late-night coffee or something.”

“That sounds good to me.” I agreed with what he offered, and we went upstairs until we were standing outside of my room number 218. I opened the door with my key feeling slightly embarrassed that there was a bunch of boxes scattered about. I wasn’t planning for company so this must look like a tornado hit here. “I’m sorry the place is a wreck.”

Will sat the stack of boxes on the ground next to some others dusting his hands off on his blue jacket. “It’s okay. You’re just moving in. No biggy.”

“Yeah I guess so. I’m just embarrassed cause I wasn’t expecting company.” I shrugged my shoulders hearing Maxon rummaging around one of his toy boxes finding a red fireheighdrent toy. He held it in his mouth and just started throwing it around like crazy so we could hear the annoying squeaking clearly.

Will chuckled flashing a cheeky smile. “He sure likes that toy doesn’t he?”

“One of his favorites yeah.” I glanced down at my phone seeing it was getting close to midnight. “Hey Will, I should probably let you go it’s getting late.”

He waved his hands at me in defense. “Not for me. I work in the ED, never a normal eight hour work day for me.”

“Oh wow.” I gasped not expecting that from him but I then eyed the clothing he wore which was a pair of red scrubs underneath his coat that I hadn’t noticed until now. He had auburn hair and deep brown eyes making him not too bad on the eyes to look at, but of course I’d never say that.

He pulled me from my train of thought. “Hey I think I’ve got some beers stashed away in my apartment. Would you want to share one with me. Toast to being new neighbors and all.”

“Sure. That’d be great.” I accepted so our first night there Maxon and I spent it with him, never knowing our lives would change forever after what happened when I went into serve.

5 years later

Blinking my eyes open I felt my body laying on a table. I could hear some ringing in my head and I felt like I had an intense headache for an unknown reason. I attempted to look around the room seeing I was in the medical tent on the base. Trying to sit up the tent flaps opened revealing our head medic Owen who rushed over to me. “Woah Easton, lay back down. You need to rest.”

“Dr. Owen, I’m fine.” I told him trying to get off the table again.

He puts his hands on my shoulders making me look him in the eye. “Do you remember what happened on mission 5025?”

“You mean the one we went on a few days ago. Of course. Maxon and I were responsible for locating the bombs before the response team went in to catch the cult leader.”

The doctor scanned his eyes over my face. “Do you know what the outcome was?”

“Yes. We – uh wait a second. I don’t remember it at all.” I tried wracking my brain around it but there was nothing.

Dr. Owen tapped my shoulder before the tent flap opened again and I watched someone walk in with Maxon being on a leash. “Ms. Easton, I think it’s best for you medically to take some time off. Until we figure out what happened to you.”

“Ms. Easton, we’ll have your stuff prepared for you to go home for a few months. And Maxon is cleared to go with you as well.” The guy uncliped the leash from his dog collar and he ran to me putting his paws on my knees that were underneath a blanket.

Maxon moved his nose around staying on my right leg and nipping at it. I lifted the blanket curious as to what he was smelling and then I saw the reason for them asking me to leave for a little while. “Maxon, what is it boy. Oh wow – this is what you were talking about isn’t it doc?”

“Yes ma’am it is.” Doc Owen trailed off, lowering his gaze to the leg brace that was wrapped around my right leg. There was a bandage on my knee underneath the brace and my guess was it was because a bullet hit me the wrong way on the mission I couldn’t remember.

A few days later Maxon and I were riding the down exsculator with a bunch of people leaving or coming back in the Chicago airport. I carried my backpack on my left shoulder as we walked through the lobby looking for some food since we hadn’t been able to eat on the plane. “So, what do you want to eat, Maxon. Chicken, burgers or something else – woah hey Maxon. Maxon no!”

Maxon bolts away from my side and towards the direction of where we had come from the baggage claim. I bolted into a run after him as best as I could not used to the brace slowly me down. His paws scraped across the tile floor unit I saw a guy in a dark blue jacket get tackled to the ground and he bared his teeth down to the stranger. “Ugh!”

“Maxon – shit sir I’m so sorry. Maxon get off him. I’m – Will?” I wrapped my arms around his waist trying to yank him off until I saw the guys face in clear view over Mason’s head.

The doctor chuckled not bothered by it. “Long time no see, Mallory.” I slumped my shoulders confused on how he had even found him with this many different smells around us. Yet regardless I had to admit I had missed a certain Halstead brother.

Comments really appreciated ❤️

[fangirlfrom-hell]

Marigolds: A Day of the Dead Story || Jay Halstead x Halstead sister

It could have turned out better, but many inconveniences occurred that made me finish writing hastily. Anyway, I wanted to share it. Might end up delating it, though.

You'll find some songs to armonize this story at the end of the post.

"So, what's the name of this girl, again?" Jay asked from the kitchen while he was cooking dinner.

Sitting on the living room floor, her eyes fixed on the papers and books scattered across the coffee table, Becca replied slowly and deliberately, trying to pronounce each sound correctly, "Ca-ta-li-na."

"Catalina," he muttered to himself, then turned back to his sister. "I don't remember her."

"Yeah, that's because she's new at school. I think her family just moved to Chicago."

"Hmm," Jay hesitated, "Don't you prefer to invite them over here?"

"No."

"I can bring paperwork home. Your friends have been here before," he continued, trying to persuade her.

"Nope. We decided to go to her house because her mom still doesn't know how to move around the city."

Becca left the pen she was writing with, turned to face her brother, and asked, "Is there a problem?"

"Well, kind of. I don't know her or her family at all. Where does she live, again?"

Becca smiled. "I guess you never stop being a cop."

"Hey!" the detective shot back, "I'm just looking out for you. Any other parent, or big brother in this case, would do the same," he winked.

"Yeah, yeah," she went back to her homework.

The siblings sat comfortably in front of the TV: Jay with his feet on the coffee table, and Becca with her legs crossed on the sofa. Both had their plates on their laps, having dinner while catching up with their favorite crime show.

"That would never happen!" Jay would exclaim from time to time, to which Becca would simply roll her eyes.

This was a typical evening for them, unless Will was there to scold them for not eating at the table "like civilized people," as he would say.

"Okay, you can go to your friend's house, only because it's for homework," Jay said as the ending credits of the show rolled.

"Thanks, I guess?"

"...but I'll drive you there."

"Fine."

"...and I will walk you to the door. I want to meet her mom and take a look at the place where you're staying."

"Jay–"

"Don't you dare make that face at me, Becca Marie!" He pointed at her with his finger.

"Ugh, whatever you want. It's your time to waste, anyway."

The next day after school, Becca had to spend some time at the 21st district before her brother could take her to Catalina's home.

"This should be the house," Jay called his sister before she got out of the truk. "Hey, if anything happens, if you just feel uncomfortable, give me a call, and I'll pick you up, okay? Anything, even if you think it's nonsense."

"Yes, detective," Becca turned her eyes, mocking him.

But Jay was serious. "I mean it." As he had warned, he got out of the car to walk her to the entrance.

After a few knocks, a girl about the same age as Becca opened the door, and a delicious smell wafted out of the house, something they had never smelled before.

At the same time, a voice came from the back part of the house, "Cata, who is it?" But before the girl could answer, a woman hurriedly approached the entrance, drying her hands with a kitchen towel, making it obvious that she had interrupted something because of their arrival. That's how Jay met Mrs. Aragón, Catalina's mother, and as both adults stayed there talking, the girls ran upstairs.

"It smells delicious," Becca couldn't help but point out.

"Yes," Catalina answered proudly, "My mom is baking…", but suddenly she seemed to be ashamed of something.

"What?"

"Nothing," she ended the conversation by opening the door to her room, where two other girls were already working on their school assignment.

It didn't take them long to finish their homework, and as they were waiting for their moms to pick them up, they chatted and laughed. Becca sent a text to let Jay know she was done, to which he immediately answered with "Give me five minutes," and she knew very well that those 5 minutes could turn into 5 hours. Everything was going well until all the other girls had left, and Becca remained alone.

"Becc, do you need a ride?" one of the moms offered, "I can take you, that's all right, honey."

"Thank you! But my brother will come for me," she replied. She didn't like it when that happened, and it was quite often. She knew all the other moms looked at her with pity, as if she was abandoned, which wasn't true. It was just that she didn't have a full-time mom to drive her around whenever it was needed. Jay did his best to take care of her.

"Are you staying for dinner?" Mrs. Aragón asked Becca.

"Uh, I don't think so. My brother should be here any minute," she instinctively checked her phone.

"Don't worry," her smile was warm, and her voice soothing, "You can stay here as long as you need, no pasa nada," the woman continued when she noticed the girl looking at the clock. "It's getting late, so I'll prepare a plate for you, just in case."

Then, she received a call from Jay, whose tone was anguished.

"I'm so sorry, Becc. I got stuck at the district; I can't leave right now. Ask your friend if you can stay a little bit longer," he said the sentence, but then regretted it, knowing how nervous his sister was. He knew she must be uncomfortable being alone in a new house with new people. He also thought about how the other moms would have seen her being left behind, a thing that he also hated.

"Okay, let me just ask…" The truth was that she was feeling pretty welcome and cozy with the Aragóns.

"No, you know what? I'll send a patrol to pick you up and bring you here."

"A patro–? Jay, no way, don't you dare. It's alright, I can stay here a bit more. They invited me to have dinner, so…" She turned to see her new friend, who nodded in approval.

There was a bit of silence on the other side of the line, then a deep sigh, "Do you want to?" Becca didn't like eating in other places or in front of strangers; it made her anxious, so it was odd how she was managing the situation.

"I'm fine."

With one last "sorry," the call ended.

"We can wait in my room," Catalina invited her as she walked to the stairs. When they were passing by the living room, something caught Becca's attention, and she stopped to peek her head, as if she were drawn to it.

"Wait, what is that?" She was looking at a tall structure covered with white and black tablecloths, decorated with colorful skulls, pictures, and a lot of orange flowers.

"Ah, that's our altar for Day of the Dead," her friend answered as if it were the most natural thing, then took her hand, feeling a little bit rushed to take her out of there. "Come on."

Her attempt was useless, for Becca couldn't take her eyes off it. "May I see it closer?"

"Uh, sure! If that's what you want." It was a strange request. "It's still in progress, but it's almost done," she explained as they approached.

"We're only missing the food," Mrs. Aragón entered the room with a tray of bread, "But that's for the actual day they are coming."

"Who's coming?" Becca frowned.

"The deceased," the woman said simply. Catalina turned to meet her guest's gaze a bit embarrassed, trying to read Becca's thoughts on the matter. As she had learned in her short life, you couldn't give an explanation like that to people, as they usually got scared. To her surprise, Becca was not like every other person.

"Oh, how does that work?" The girl asked nervously.

"Well, Day of the Dead is the day when the deceased come back to Earth to visit their loved ones, the ones they left behind, us the living. That's why we build these offerings for them. It's filled with their favorite foods and beverages so they can have what they used to enjoy when they were alive."

Feeling a bit more secure, Catalina continued, "Also, because they come from a place far away and it's a tiring trip, so they rest here before going back."

"That's right," her mom said proudly.

"It's beautiful, so colorful. I really love it," Becca commented.

"Thank you. We're doing what we can with what we have. Now…" she placed the tray on the altar, "Take one and tell me if it's good" she offered both girls.

"So, this is why it smelled so delicious," Becca said as she inspected the piece of bread, "I've never seen this type of bread before." It was light and fluffy, glazed with sugar and some stange shapes on top of it.

"It's pan de muerto," Catalina said with her mouth half full. "I won't translate it or explain the meaning of it because you might refuse to eat it. Just taste it." She took another bite.

"Oh, this is really delicious."

"I couldn't find any good pan de muerto in the city, so I had to bake it myself."

"Are these your grandparents?" Becca pointed to the pictures.

"Yeah. We put their pictures so they know we still remember them. As we say "Solamente muere el que ha sido olvidado."

"Only those who had been forgotten die" Catalina translated.

Becca kept silent, thinking about her mom, and she mentally ran through Jay's apartment, realizing there were no pictures of her around.

"But isn't it a bit scary? The idea of dead people visiting you?"

Catalina reacted with a smile, "Oh, no. What I would give to hug my granny one more time."

Becca connected that idea to her own mother, and her eyes became watery. A wave of emotions washed over her, and the atmosphere in the room intensified her sensitivity. She had felt empty spaces in her chest before, but never like this – it was like a black hole that opened up within her. Catalina noticed her distress and became concerned that they might have shared too much information and made her feel uncomfortable.

But Mrs. Aragón knew better and warmly smirked, "You're thinking of someone, right?"

"My mommy," Becca answered simply, her voice trembling and a lump forming in her throat. She couldn't hold back the silent tears that welled up in her eyes and streamed down her cheeks. The gaze of four concerned eyes bore into her, and she despised being the center of attention. So she wiped away her tears, acting as if everything was normal.

"I'm so sorry," Mrs. Aragón said as she hugged her by the shoulder. That gesture eased the girl's emotions.

"Oh, but it's okay, don't worry. It happened a few years ago."

"You know what? If you feel like it, you can bring your mommy's photograph to our altar..."

"Mamá..." Catalina scolded her, not knowing how the other girl would react.

"We can make some space for her," she said, pointing to a spot on the offering, imagining how she could rearrange everything to make room for the newly invited one.

"Mom!" She was concerned that she might scare Becca.

"...We'd be glad to have her here.”

Becca hesitated, she was pulled into the idea, but at the same time she felt as an intruder, "But I'm not even Mexican, and I don't want to be a bother, everything is already settled."

"Doesn't matter,” the woman put her hands on her waist, “Everybody's welcome to join if they want to, regardless of their nationality or religion. And you are not a bother, we would only have to move one or two things.”

“Besides, I’m pretty sure my grandparents would love to have a new friend around,” Catalina added, still with a bit of embarrasement in her voice.

Becca bit her lip and, after a few seconds, she nodded, “Yeah, I would like to.” Her words hinted at the deep need to keep her mother's memory alive.

As soon as they arrived home, Becca opened each drawer on the living room furniture and took out every album, looking for the picture.

"What are you looking for?" Jay asked, noticing how stressed she was getting.

“Don’t we have a picture of Mom?” There was a hint of anger in her tone. Her brother felt his blood run cold, for their mother was still a sensitive topic to discuss. He had been the one to deal with her throughout her illness and had to witness her during her worst moments.

“Of course, we have,” he managed to keep calmed as he approached to open one specific drawer, and take a cardboard box from it. “There should be some here.”

Catalina’s mom's words came to Becca’s mind: Only those who are forgotten die. A wave of unease washed over her, causing her stomach to churn with a mix of anxiety and contemplation.

“Why are Mom’s pictures inside of a box inside of a drawer?”

Jay shrugged, not really understanding what was going on. “I keep them here. They are safe in this place.”

“There are no reminders of Mom around in any place in this apartment. Not even at Will’s house". She exploded, "It’s as if we never think about her anymore. Only Dad has framed photos, but he never wants to even mention her.”

"What are you talking about? We always talk about Mom."

"No, that's not true," she said with a calmer tone, but her eyes welled up with tears once more. "You rarely speak about her. Whenever someone mentions her, you change the subject. I understand that her memory brings you pain, which is why I avoid talking about her. But sometimes, I wish I could ask about her, to learn things about her that I never got the chance to know." For a long time, she had managed to keep all these feelings locked inside of her, but the experience of this afternoon had stirred everything within her.

Jay stood still with the box in his hands, silent and carefully listening to his little sister’s words. A bit more relaxed, she sat on the sofa.

“I’ve never said this before, but it really makes me angry that I didn’t get to really know her. It’s not fair that I didn’t get to spend as much time with her as you and Will. Sometimes I get scared I might forget her face, her voice.”

Jay sat by her side and stayed silent for a couple of minutes, trying to organize his thoughts before speaking.

“I’m sorry,” he finally said. “You are right. I won’t explain anything to you, but Mom hurts me in a way you wouldn’t understand, and before you say something, I know you are carrying your own pain, a pain you shouldn’t know of. Believe me when I tell you I’ve done everything in my power to try to protect you from it, but it looks like I’ve failed. It’s hard for me to deal with these emotions, and I probably dragged you into my own turmoil. Even when I was aware that our pain was different, I never thought you felt like this. It never crossed my mind how much you wished, how much you needed to construct mom in your mind. And I’m really sorry.” His words were heavy with the weight of his own grief, understanding the depth of Becca's longing for their mother.

“I don’t want to forget her. I’m so scared I’m gonna forget her.”

“You won't, and I’ll make sure of that.”

“Promise me we can talk about her.”

“Anytime you want, I'll work it out,” He hugged her tightly, the box still on his lap. It was only when they separated that Becca noticed her brother was crying too.

“Where did all this come from, anyway?” Jay inquired. “Why do you need the picture?”

Becca settled on the sofa, turning her face and body towards her brother. “Promise you won’t make fun of me.”

“Never.”

“Okay. Today I saw an offering for Day of the Dead at Cata’s home. It was beautiful, Jay, so colorful and full of…life. They explained to me about the tradition, that the spirits of your loved ones come down to visit you on Earth for a day, and her mother invited me to put Mom’s picture on their altar. She said she’s very welcome to join them.”

“Beccs…”

“No, sssh, wait! Catalina said something that stayed in my mind. She said that, whether it's true or not that they come back, however you see it, this day is a good opportunity to remember and honor the ones that are gone.”

Jay hesitated, “I admit this sounds like a beautiful tradition, but...do you really want to do it?”

“I have no doubt.”

"Fine. In that case…" he finally opened the box, "I think I have the perfect picture," he searched for a specific one among the others and finally took it out, "Here."

Becca got as close as she could to her brother, hugging his arm. They stayed in that position for a while, looking at their mother.

“She was beautiful,” Becca muttered, “You were right, this one’s perfect.”

“We can go out to find a frame tomorrow.”

“I like that. There’s something else we need.”

Jay raised a brow, looking at his sister, “What?”

“What was Mom's favorite food?”

It was November 1st, already evening when the two Halstead siblings arrived at the Aragón's house. Somehow, Becca had managed to convince Jay to accompany her, not just drop her off. He agreed after all her insistence, thinking it might end up being something good for his sister. Anyway, he could deal with his own demons later.

“Here we are,” he said. “You sure you want to do this?”

The girl just nodded, noticeably nervous.

“You know, it’s alright if you don’t like it in the end, if you feel uncomfortable, tell me, and I’ll find a way for us to leave.”

“Yeah, you too,” she told him back. “I don’t want us to stay long, anyway. I wouldn’t like to interfere so much with their customs.”

When Mrs. Aragón opened the door, she saw Jay holding a small food dish and Becca hugging a frame that was facing backward, hiding her mother’s picture from the sight of the others around. She greeted them.

“I’m so glad you came,” her words were full of sincerity. She gave the girl a long and tender hug, which Jay noted to be very maternal. He liked the way they treated her.

“Is this the offering for your mother?” The woman asked, taking the dish from Jay’s hands.

“I guess it is,” the detective answered as they entered.

“Perfect, let’s go put it in its place, then,” her smile was so warm it could melt the poles.

As they entered the living room, a very particular smell became stronger, and they found Catalina lighting all of the incense around the altar.

“It is copal,” Mrs. Aragón explained when she noticed Jay sniffing. “It’s used to cleanse the place of evil spirits so that the souls can enter without any danger.”

The Halstead siblings instinctively turned to see each other.

“Ma, you are going to scare them,” Cata said, “It’s all safe, don’t worry,” she reassured them before greeting them.

“We made this space especially for your mommy,” the girl continued, taking her friend to show her the spot. “We thought it was good for her to be surrounded by marigolds since this would represent her first time coming down. You can place the photograph whenever you feel ready.”

Jay moved unconsciously, with a lot of doubts and questions swirling around his mind. He also noted how Becca was holding the frame tighter and tighter around her arms. He didn’t know how to act; she was being hard to read, so he was thankful for Catalina’s mom's intervention.

“But if you change your mind and don’t feel like putting her there, that’s also perfectly fine, honey,” she then turned to the brother, “I know this is new to you two, and you might find it a little bit strange.”

“...or scary. It’s understandable,” Cata completed.

“No,” Becca finally stated, “I want to do it.” Slowly and with a lot of delicacy and love, she placed the frame with her mother’s picture in its place on the altar. Jay approached her and squeezed both of her shoulders, letting her know he was there for her.

The food they had brought was placed near her, “So she can easily find her dish,” Mrs. Aragón remarked. When everything was settled, Jay and Becca stayed there, staring at their mom. It was a beautiful scene to witness how the photograph had taken on another tone, surrounded by so many colors, illuminated by the candles, the smoke that the incense created, and the orange marigold petals.

“Now we wait for them,” Mrs. Aragón said in a very low voice.

Becca couldn’t help but cry, but she wasn't sad or grieving; actually, she was somehow relieved, the hole in her chest disappeared. Suddenly she didn’t feel so lonely, she didn’t feel like she was missing her mom. Jay wrapped his arm around her, and she hugged him back, surrounding his waist with her arms. He kissed her hair and asked, “You good?”

“Sure, I’m just happy we did this.”

“It is sad to lose a loved one, especially if it's someone very close,” Mrs. Aragón spoke, looking at her own family pictures at the altar. “But at the end of the day, this celebration is a party for them, to remember them and celebrate the lives they had and thank them for the time they stayed by our sides. Of course we are allowed to cry for them, but we should end the evening with a smile.”

The Halsteads didn’t stay much time there, but it was long enough to eat tamales, under the insistence of their host, “because there’s no real party without tamales,” the woman would say.

Becca and Catalina were sitting separated from the adults while having dinner. The atmosphere was very peaceful, and cheerful music was already playing in the background.

“Do you really think this is real?” Becca asked curiously.

“I don’t know,” Cat was looking into the horizon, reflexively. “You know, it is supposed that souls arrive at midnight, during the first moments of November 2nd. When I was a child, by 10 o'clock at night, my grandma would say, 'They should be close by now,' and I would get very excited about the idea. As the clock ticked away, my mom would playfully ask us, 'Where do you think they are at this very moment?' and I took it very seriously, imagining their entire process of coming back home. During the early morning, when I was already in my bed, I pictured them eating their offerings, and I would close my eyes, trying to hear their footsteps in the hallway. For me, it represented the idea of seeing again the relatives I missed and meeting others who had passed away before I was even born, those whom I only knew through stories,” She bit her lip a bit, at this point her eyes were watery, “I don’t know if it’s true, but I really want to believe it is. Ugh, I just want to see my granny one more time and tell her how much I miss her, how much I need her. I’ve been praying all day long to dream with her tonight, that’s all I ask.”

Almost an hour before their arrival, Jay announced their departure. When Becca was about to get into the car, she heard Catalina calling her, so she went back to meet her in the middle of her front yard.

“Here,” She handed her a small bunch of marigolds, “We call this flower cempasúchil, it is used to guide the spirits, show them the way to their offerings, so they don’t get lost. That's why we put so many petals for your mom, to help her. I thought about giving you some, I mean, your mom’s on my altar, but you are not here,” she shrugged, “I don’t think this is the place where she would want to be. I thought you might find it useful,” she winked at her friend and ran back inside.

“It was…something different,” Jay stated on their way back to his apartment.

“Yeah, but I think I liked it.”

That night, Becca waited for Jay to fall asleep and she sneaked into his room to place a couple of marigolds over his nightstand. She did it with a sense of deep emotion. Then, she put the rest in a small glass of water next to her bed, thinking about how much she wished both of them dream with their mommy that night.

Thanks for reading. If you liked it, it would help my soul if you give it a like, comment or share. 😌♡

🎶

Cempasúchil

Natalia Lafourcade - Recuérdame (Solo)

Silvana Estrada — Amor Eterno (Candlelight Original Session)

[reidhalstead]

For: @retrospectral

Some evenings, Reid wants to stay isolated in the shitpit of an apartment and rot there until a miracle happens. On other nights, he just needs the nightly air to remind him that he's still breathing (by most accounts).

He's sure a fucking therapist, or shrink would tell him that he's not the bad things that happen to him, but in this particular case, he is.

It comes with all the complexities, and growing pains he would rather never acknowledge. And now a gone forty is emanating teenage rebellion, in the way that he's sat on a bench, head ducked low beneath a hood and staring at the neon colours of retrocity.

Staring at shiny lights, and bright colours is almost distracting enough to pull off the lie that he prefers to be alone.

And yet, the jarring movement of some punk kid kicking the machine right by the entrance has Reid's stare stolen. A woman with a stern face, and an even kinder chide exchanging words with the boy. He can hear it, and he can hear the rude attitude the youth gives.

Some unsavoury words are thrown her way; derogatory, mostly.

Halstead doesn't like the disrespect— nor does he simply enjoy watching when his jaw ticks in irritation. If it isn't the location and those that fill it, it's kids. Reid's always been raised on discipline, and he's never had an issue with it, really. He's crossed the street, nudged the hood back off his face and is through the public doors of the arcade. By the time he's inside and turning his head towards the kid, they're stomping out of the place. Door slam included.

The cabinet he'd been kicking has caved in. Halstead grimaces at the sight, and the attendant — or manager, whoever's been sent to deal with it sighs.

"You okay?" Reid asks, shunting down any irritation he'd allow to surface. He gestures towards the busted-up machine with a head nod: "It still work, or is it dead to us?" a beat; he engages the little humour he's ever capable of: "Maybe it's just a sign that it's time to switch out Bubble Bobble to R-Type?" Maybe it'll change her clientele, too.

[wordsandupstead]

secrets, soup, and sassiness

summary:  Set in the Unsteady storyline, but can be read as a Halstead!sister stand alone. Three different times Emma gets sick. 

bingo square filled: Sick/Illness for #resa.3kfiestabingo by @resanoona​

word count: 4k 

masterlist

~~~

The first time Emma gets sick after moving in with Jay

What started as a dull headache in the morning turned to a pounding headache and pain in the back of her neck by the time school finished. Emma thought it wasn’t a big deal and asked a friend for Advil at lunch, it helped briefly but by the time the final bell rings, Emma just wants to go home, crawl into bed, and sleep until the pain subsides. 

A loud knocking on her bedroom door wakes her, but the pain in her head hits nearly as fast. Emma can barely get her bearings before she realizes she feels so nauseous she thinks she’s going to throw up. She doesn’t think she can make it to the bathroom, so she rushes over to the trash bin in the corner of her bedroom. Nothing comes up, but she feels so exhausted she plops down on the floor near the trash bin, her back against the wall. 

“Emma? Are you in there?” Jay’s muffled voice floats through her closed bedroom door. 

It takes a few seconds for Emma to gather the energy to respond. “Yeah.” 

“Oh,” She hears Jay’s voice from the other end. “What do you want for dinner?” 

“Not hungry.”

“Did you eat already?” 

“Yeah,” She lies, “I’m just finishing my homework.”

“Uh okay,” Jay’s voice comes from the other side of the door. He still hasn’t opened it, and since Emma doesn’t have the energy to stand and walk over there, they’ve been speaking through the closed door. “Just come out if you’re hungry.” 

Emma falls back asleep almost immediately after making it back to bed and when she wakes up again, it’s after ten pm. She uses the bathroom quickly, splashing water on her face before going to sleep again. 

The next morning, when her alarm goes off for school, she just silences it. Jay pounds on the door again, telling her she’ll be late to school if she doesn’t wake up. She drags herself out of bed and gets dressed, despite the fact that her headache feels worse than it did the day before. Emma barely manages to eat half a piece of toast, just so she can take another Advil and hope to get through the school day.  

Emma manages to stay awake through her first two periods, but can’t help but keep dozing off during chemistry. Her teacher notices and sends her to the nurse despite Emma’s insistence that she’s fine. 

Even though the nurse asks about her symptoms, Emma doesn’t admit to not feeling well. The nurse checks her temperature, although Emma tries to tell her that she is fine. When the thermometer reads 101.2, the nurse tells her she has to go home and offers to let Emma call a parent to sign her out, which is what most teenagers prefer to do. When Emma hesitates a little too long, then asks if she can just sign herself out and go home, the nurse call’s Jay to inform him of what’s going on. 

By the time Emma gets called into the office from the nurse when Jay arrives, Emma has worked herself into a silent panic, which is only making her feel worse overall. “Are you okay? What’s wrong?” Jay asks as soon as she enters the front office to find him standing there waiting for her. When she doesn’t answer, he thanks the front office staff and he holds the door open then follows her outside. 

As soon as they’re out of the office, Emma immediately begins apologizing, catching Jay by surprise. “I’m so sorry for making you leave work.”

“Are you not sick?” He questions, seeming confused, he glances at Emma then back at the office doors, wondering if he got the right information. 

“I’m fine.” Emma lies. 

“The nurse said you had a fever. She said she tried to give you Advil, but you said you already took some?” 

“Yeah, I uh just had a headache this morning.” Emma responds trying to downplay how bad she’s actually feeling. “My chem teacher made me go to the nurse because she said I looked sick, but I’m fine. I promise.” 

Jay has to agree with Emma’s chemistry teacher. Even though emma continues to say she’s fine, she looks pale, especially in the sunlight. She has dark circles under her eyes, and Jay noticed the way she  seemed to have a hard time just standing and talking to him. Jay reaches his hand toward her and she flinches away. He freezes, before asking, “Can I feel your forehead? I just want to see if you feel warm.” 

“I guess.” She shrugs and remains still.

He gently presses his palm against her forehead, then nods and says, “You definitely have a fever.” 

“I’m fine.” Emma repeats. “I’m sorry for making you leave work. I can just walk home so you can go back to work. I just needed an adult to sign me out.” 

Jay looks at her like she’s not making any sense, and finally he says, “I’m not making you walk home with a fever.” Like it’s the most absurd thing he’s heard.  “C’mon,” Jay says, leading the way across the parking lot, toward his truck. 

Emma hesitates, but eventually follows him and gets in the truck. She doesn’t feel well, at all, and she wants nothing more than to fall asleep. She knows she was in no condition to go to school this morning, but it didn’t seem like an option to stay home and admit to Jay that she wasn’t feeling well, but now he knows. 

Emma can’t help but worry Jay is upset with her, even though he doesn’t seem upset. She still feels on edge. She knows he was at work, and she knows he had to leave to come get her, and deep inside, it feels wrong. Emma had been in so many foster homes and group homes where she was treated like an inconvenience when she was sick. She was told so many times, overtly and subliminally, to not have needs, to not take too much time or energy from those who were supposed to care for her. 

Despite the worry and panic, Emma holds it in well. She doesn’t have much energy left, so she curls into herself, leaning against the passenger door. Her warm forehead feels good against the cool window, and she nearly falls asleep on the drive home. 

When they get there, she hops out of the truck, fully expecting him to just drive off, “Thanks for bringing me home.” She tells Jay, “I hope you didn’t lose too much time at work.” 

He surprises her by getting out too, and following her into the elevator. She wants to say that he doesn’t have to walk her up, but she doesn’t want to say too much or assume to much, so she remains silent. He does too. 

He unlocks the apartment door and asks, “Do you need anything?” As she’s walking to her bedroom. 

“No, I’m good.” Emma immediately replies. 

Jay rephrases the question, “Do you want anything?” 

“No thank you.” Emma responds politely, then disappears into her room, closing the door behind her and collapsing onto the bed, every ounce of her energy used up. Emma falls asleep almost immediately.  

A knocking sound pulls her from her sleep, “Emma, are you awake? I’m worried about you.” She can’t bring herself to respond. The knocking persists. After another few seconds, she hears, “I’m coming in, okay? I need to check on you. If you’re really okay, say no and I won’t come in.” There’s silence on the other end, and Emma doesn’t say anything, so the door slowly opens. When Emma opens her eyes, she sees Hailey’s blond head peeking in despite it being Jay’s voice that was coming through the door. 

“Just wanted to check on you.” Hailey says softly, “How are you feeling?” 

“I’m fine.” Emma responds, her default response anytime she’s asked, although truthfully, she wasn’t usually asked very often. “Why aren’t you at work?” 

Hailey looks at Emma for a moment before responding, “I’m done for the day. It’s six pm.” Emma just nods, accepting this information, so Hailey speaks again, “Jay said that the nurse checked your temperature at school and you had a fever?” She phrased it like a question, but it didn’t seem like much of a question to Emma, so she just shrugs. “Can I check your temperature?”

Emma nods, and Jay steps into the room, handing Hailey the thermometer. Hailey presses a button on it, and then hands it to Emma to take her own temperature. She does, and then hands it back to Hailey without even trying to read it. Hailey takes it, then shows the number to Jay.

“It’s 102. That means it’s probably been high most of today. Maybe we should go to the hospital.” Jay says once he sees the number. 

Emma immediately freezes up, and both Hailey and Jay notice. 

It only lasts a second before she seems to snap out of it. “I’m fine. I can take another Advil.” She insists, but her voice shakes, and Jay and Hailey exchange a look about her sudden change in attitude. 

“You’ve been taking Advil. It hasn’t been working.” 

“I can take three this time so it works.”

“No, you can’t.” Jay responds, shaking his head. 

Tears start forming in Emma’s eyes, “Please don’t make me go. I’ll be fine. I promise. You won’t even know I’m sick.”

Jay’s eyebrows knit together, and he studies Emma closely. He can tell she’s panicking, but he doesn’t fully understand why. He doesn’t understand why she’s so insistent that she’s not sick when she is very clearly sick. “What are you talking about?” He questions aloud. “We just want you to feel better. We don’t want you to pretend not to be sick.” 

“I’m fine. I promise. I really would just like to sleep, please.” Emma pleads, and Jay can tell she’s barely holding it together, but he still doesn’t understand why she doesn’t want help. “Please, can I just go back to sleep?” She asks again.

Hailey looks at Jay who looks truly torn between forcing Emma to go to the doctor and respecting her wishes. 

“Do you think you can eat something, maybe some soup or a piece of toast?” Hailey asks gently, tabling the doctor conversation for later. 

“I’m not hungry,” Emma says, lying back down in bed, her eyes falling closed. 

Hailey persists. “Emma, sweetie, you need to eat something and that way you can take another Advil.”

“Okay.” She whispers, her eyes still closed. 

“What do you want? Soup, toast, we have some leftover chicken, or Jay can run out and pick up food from somewhere.”

“Yeah, anything you want.” Jay chimes in and truly at this point he would be willing to drive clear across town to get Emma anything she wanted if it meant she would eat something and feel better. 

“Maybe just some bread,” Emma manages to say, although truthfully, she doesn’t want to eat anything. She just wants to go back to sleep. She wants her head to stop hurting. She wants the panic from the threat of going to the doctor to subside. 

Hailey remains in Emma’s room while Jay leaves to get the bread and Advil. Jay adds some peanut butter to a slice of bread and folds it in half, hoping she’ll get some protein in because he realizes she probably didn’t eat dinner the night before. She was in her room when he came home from work and had said she’d eaten, but Jay is starting to realize she probably wasn’t feeling well from the night before. He just doesn’t understand why she would keep it a secret and go to school if she was sick.

By the time he returns with the peanut butter sandwich, Emma had fallen back asleep again. They have to wake her up to eat the sandwich. She only eats a few bites, but it’s better than nothing. They give her two Advil and hope it helps to bring the fever down. 

When she’s asleep again, they leave the room, leaving the door open a crack so they can check on her.  

The distinctive sound of whimpering and sniffling comes from Emma’s room. Jay and Hailey had been curled up on the couch together watching tv with the sound turned almost all the way down, not wanting to disturb Emma, but not wanting to close her bedroom door either, just in case. Jay jumps up first, but Hailey is only steps behind him as he closes the distance to Emma’s room. “Emma?” Jay softly asks, stopping in her doorway, pushing the door further open. 

He can see her tangled in her sheets and blankets. She’s not moving, but they can still hear the sounds of her sobs, “Em?” Jay asks again, this time crossing the threshold of the bedroom. As he gets closer, repeating Emma’s name again, he realizes she’s not awake. He glances back at Hailey, her concerned expression mirroring his. 

“She’s sleeping.” He whispers. “Should I wake her?”

Hailey pauses, then shakes her head. “Maybe if she doesn’t wake up now, she won’t remember it when she does.” 

Jay takes Hailey’s hand, squeezing. It hurts him to see her in clear distress while being unable to do anything about it. Hailey squeezes back. Emma settles down, the sobbing stops, and Jay and Hailey return to the couch. 

When Emma wakes up again an hour later, she doesn’t mention the nightmare and Jay doesn’t ask. When he checks her temperature and sees the 102.3 blinking back at him, he deflates. “Your fever is still very high.” He informs her, but she doesn’t move or say anything. “I’ll be right back.” He leaves the bedroom and Hailey wanders in as Jay makes the call to Will, who answers on the third ring. Jay shares all of his concerns and relays Emma’s symptoms as best as he can, although he doesn’t have much to go off since Emma wouldn’t even admit to feeling sick. 

Will advises Jay that Emma should probably see a doctor since her fever is so high and the fever reducing meds don’t seem to be working. Jay thought Will might say that, but he wanted to double check since Emma seemed so against going to the doctor. 

“I don’t really want to wait until morning to schedule an appointment. We’ve already waited all day. Should I just take her to the ER tonight?” Jay questions. Never having been responsible for another person in this way before, he’s unsure of how to proceed. 

“Yeah, her medical should be covered because she’s in the foster system. Just call her social worker and she should be able to give you any info you need.” Will advises. Jay thanks him and hangs up before calling the social worker. When she doesn’t answer the phone, Jay just leaves a message and decides to take her to the emergency room because he doesn’t want to wait any longer with her fever so high.

When he goes back into Emma’s room, Hailey is sitting with her and they’re watching a funny video on her phone. “Are you feeling better?” He asks, hoping the answer will be yes. 

She nods, saying, “I’m good.” 

But she doesn’t look good and Jay is hesitant to believe her since she hasn’t admitted to feeling anything except “good” and “fine” and Jay is confident she hasn’t been fine.

Jay grabs the thermometer and has Emma check her temperature again. When the 102.5 blinks back at him, he says, “It’s still a high fever. Let’s go to the ER.” He tries to say it casually, hoping that she doesn’t freak out, but her expression immediately changes. 

“Please, no.” Emma manages to squeak out. 

“Em, I know you’re not feeling good, but we have to go to the emergency room. They’ll know what to do, I promise.” 

“We’ll be there with you the whole time.” Hailey gently reassures Emma. 

Jay grabs Emma’s jacket from where she discarded it on the chair in the corner and brings it back to her. She’s uncharacteristically quiet, but doesn’t put up a fight at all. She just takes the jacket from Jay, barely making eye contact with either Jay or Hailey as she pulls her shoes on and follows Jay and Hailey out of the apartment and into Jay’s truck where he turns the heat way up and tries reassuring Emma that this is for the best and the doctor will make her feel better. 

While waiting in the emergency room waiting room, Jay is trying to fill out the paperwork with the limited information he has available regarding history, insurance, and symptoms, but Hailey’s attention is mostly on Emma. She’s noticed the way Emma keeps clenching and unclenching her fists. She can feel the anxiety rolling off of Emma in waves, and she tries to get to the bottom of it. 

“Hey Emma, are you…” She hesitates, trying to find the right words to ask the question she’s trying to ask. “Do you feel like you’re not allowed to be sick?” 

Emma looks up at Hailey and makes eye contact briefly before looking away, fidgeting with her hands even more. When Emma doesn’t answer right away, Hailey tries again, “You can be honest. We won’t be upset.” 

Emma nods, almost imperceptibly, and Hailey takes that as an answer to the first question. 

“Did you get in trouble for being sick?” Hailey’s voice is barely above a whisper, but Emma hears her and nods again. Hailey wisely lets the silence hang in the air between them. By this point, Jay has finished filling out the paperwork and he’s looking between Emma and Hailey, having heard the questions Hailey was asking. 

Emma nods, admitting, “They would be mad because they take off work to take care of me when I was sick.” 

“Who would?” Hailey asks softly at the same time Jay says, “What do you mean they got mad at you for being sick? You don’t decide to get sick.” Jay’s anger starts bubbling up.

Emma’s eyes fall closed and she pulls her jacket tighter around her body before fidgeting with the zipper.  She doesn’t have enough energy to respond to either of them, but all she knows is that Jay sounds upset, and she wants to disappear. 

Hailey’s hand subtly finds Jay’s, squeezing gently. He takes a deep breath, “We won’t be mad at you for being sick, ever.” He finally says. “But we do want you to tell us when you’re not feeling well, so we can help, okay?”

Emma nods, but still feels uncomfortable and worries that Jay is upset. “I thought you’d be mad at me because you had to leave work.” 

Jay’s voice is much softer now, “Em, I won’t ever be mad at you for feeling sick. It’s my job to take care of you when you’re sick.” 

“It’s not your real job.” 

“It is my real job, and it’s more important than my other job.” He reassures her.

She nods, a warmth spreading across her chest that has nothing to do with her fever. It’s been so long, Emma can hardly remember anyone caring for her like this before, but she lets herself believe this time it might actually be okay to let Jay and Hailey care about her, to let them take care of her so she doesn’t have to suffer by herself and pretend to be okay when she’s not. 

The fifth time Emma get’s sick after moving in with Jay

“Hello?” Jay answers the phone as soon as he sees Emma’s name on the caller ID, knowing she’s at school and wouldn’t be calling him if it wasn't important. 

“I’m sick, can you come get me?” Emma’s voice is scratchy and low as it floats through the phone

Jay immediately stands from his desk, pulling the phone briefly from his mouth, catching Hailey’s attention. “Emma’s sick.” He tells her, and Hailey nods, all the confirmation he needs to leave the district without another word to anyone, his phone still to his ear as he jogs down the steps. 

“I’m coming.” He tells her. “What kind of sick?”

There’s a brief pause, “I’m really tired, and my throat hurts.”

“Okay, are you at the health room?” 

“No, can you just sign me out?” Emma may have come around to telling Jay when she’s not feeling well, but her comfort level hasn’t really extended beyond that. 

“Yeah, I’ll sign you out when I get there. I’m leaving the district now.” 

After a few more minutes of trying to get more information about how she’s feeling and mostly failing, Jay hangs up the phone and drives the rest of the way to the school. He heads into the office and explains that he needs to pick his sister up.

When Emma enters the office, she looks ill, and Jay tries to think back to that morning, wondering if she was sick before she came to school. He doesn’t remember noticing anything different this morning, but it’s not important right now. All he’s worried about is making sure she’s okay now. 

She follows him out of the office and gets into the passenger side of his truck, letting him drive her home. It doesn’t matter that she drove herself to school that morning. She wanted him to pick her up, so that’s what he did. 

When they get home, Emma disappears into her room immediately getting into her bed and pulling the covers up to her chin. She doesn’t bother closing her bedroom door, so Jay tries to be quiet as he moves around the kitchen. He knows enough about Emma now to know that when she’s sick, she prefers soup from the can. Since Emma called right before lunch period, he knows she hasn’t eaten, so he starts warming up the soup. Twenty minutes later, he lightly knocks on her open bedroom door. When she rolls over in bed, he knows she’s awake, so he says, “I brought you soup.”

“From the can?” She asks.

Jay nods, stepping inside with the soup, “Of course.” 

He carefully hands her the soup and waits as she starts eating. After she’s had a few bites, he asks, “How are you feeling?” 

“My throat hurts when I swallow and I feel like I haven’t slept in four days.” She admits. 

“Any other symptoms?” Jay questions, “Fever?” 

She just shrugs, and Jay disappears to retrieve the thermometer from the bathroom cabinet. He checks her temperature and it reads a low grade fever. 

He ponders the numbers for a few seconds before saying, “Maybe we should go to the doctor.” 

Emma’s eyes snap up to his. 

It’s been nearly two years since she moved in with Jay, but there are some things that still linger. She’s not nearly as afraid of doctors anymore, and she’s clearly more willing to admit when she’s not feeling well, but that doesn’t mean she likes going to the doctor. 

“It might be strep.” Jay tries explaining, but Emma continues to stare at him. He hesitates, “Maybe we can wait til tomorrow. If you’re still not feeling well, then we should go, just to get tested to make sure it’s not strep. If it is, you need antibiotics.” 

She nods, eating more soup, accepting this decision. She finishes her soup and asks for juice, which Jay gladly brings her. He can’t help but cater to her more than usual when she’s not feeling well. 

The first time Emma gets sick after moving to college. 

When Jay’s phone starts buzzing with an incoming FaceTime from Emma, he answers immediately. It’s been a few days since he last spoke with her, but he tries to take it as a good sign, knowing that she’d call if she needed something or if she wasn’t okay. 

Jay knows Emma is busy with coursework and making new friends so he tries not to call her too often, although he hasn’t put a limit on the amount of check in texts he sends. 

When Emma’s face fills the screen, he smiles, “Hey Em, what’s up?” 

“I’m walking to the health center.” She responds, and Jay immediately feels alarm and worry creeping up. Letting Emma go to college has been just as hard for Jay as it has been for Emma, arguably even harder for Jay. He knows she’s capable and can take care of herself, but he can’t help but wish she chose a school that was a little bit closer. It’s hard for him to accept that she’s growing up and he has to let her do things on her own. 

“Why?” Jay asks. 

“I just have a runny nose and a sore throat. I just want to get checked out because if it's the flu or something maybe I can just get some medicine.” 

“Do you have your medical card? I think I have a duplicate copy of it somewhere.” Jay’s begins looking around even though he’s seated at his desk in the bullpen. He tries to remember where he put the extra card. 

“Yes, I have my medical card.” Emma says with a roll of her eyes and Jay’s glad she’s not feeling too sick to be sassy. 

“I can drive down tonight. We’re wrapping up a case, but it shouldn’t be more than a couple of hours. Hailey and I can come down and make a weekend of it.”

“Jay, you don’t have to. I’m fine. I’m gonna go get checked out at the health center and see what they say and then I’ll probably just sleep all weekend.”

“But who’s gonna make you soup?” Jay asks.

“It comes from a can.” Emma says with a small smile on her face, “It’s not exactly rocket science.” 

Jay concedes, only because he actually does believe that Emma is just fine and that she would tell him if she wasn’t. “Okay, but the offer still stands. If you start to feel worse, or if you just want us there, call me and we can be there in two hours.” 

“I will.” Emma responds, “I just got to the health center so I’ll text you later. I’ll let you know how it goes.” 

“Okay,” Jay responds, feeling a sense of pride in how far Emma has come. He remembers a time when she would have a panic attack and completely shut down at even the mention of going to the doctor and now she’s willingly going on her own because she knows it’ll help her feel better. 

He gets back to work, already mentally mapping out his weekend. Even though Emma seemed fine, he knows he and Hailey will probably make the four hour round trip at least once this weekend even if it’s just to check in and heat her up some soup. 

[bullet-prooflove]

WITSEC Part 3: Truth be Told - Will Halstead x Reader

Tagging: @daniacat​   @misscharlielulu​   @cosmic-psychickitty​   @tonio-dawson​     @brianbabygirlzvonecek​   @afriendlyneighborhoodhufflepuff​ @ikbenplant​     @gummybabey​    @rosaliedepp​    @annieradcliff​   @mrspeacem1nusone​   @sowrongitslottie​   @readingbookelf​    @earthtolottie​   @crazy4chickennuggets​   @cixrosie​     @halsteadloversworld​   @zaidatorcuatomorgado​   @horny-and-sad27​    @oneandonlychicago​     @lxna-mikaelsxn​   @1234-angelika​   @wolfers-stuff​      @directioner5life​   @bradshawsdarlin​  @aaronhtchnrs @mysoulisasunflower @luckyladycreator2 @willhalstead-rhodes  @zephyrmonkey  @bluecrush129  @thespottedcreature  @celilice1  @whoreforhondo @one-sweet-gubler @anime-weeb-4-life @issac918 @99-reasons-to-live @hermionelove @cupids-lover @bbyxoo @legit9thlunaticwarrior @upsteadlogic @laylasbunbunny @lelaart @genius2050 @nu1freakshow @whovianwholikesgirls

PREQUEL - MOMENTS  (NSFW) - Why did you and Will break up?

Part 1: Got You - Will and you come face to face after a traumatic event.

Part 2: Phoenix - Will contemplates the events that led him to this moment.

You’ve been back six weeks when a suspect takes you over the edge of the fire escape with him. The two of you had been grappling and before you knew it, the rusted guardrail gave way, and you were tumbling towards the concrete below. It wasn’t high enough to kill you, but the perp had broken his leg and you thought from the agony that lanced through your left shoulder that you may have dislocated it. Which was why you were now sitting in one of the trauma rooms in the Chicago Med waiting for the pain killers to kick in so Doctor Choi could pop it back into the socket.

You would have preferred to be anywhere else right now, but protocol dictated that both you and the perp were taken to the nearest hospital. Being back here without Will was strange, you swore you could feel his ghost haunting the trauma bays as you lay on the bed staring at the ceiling.  You wondered what people thought of you, of this situation. Will leaving just as you came back from your tenure in the FBI. Did they think you had a part to play in his disappearance?

You heard the curtain draw back and tipped your head expecting to see Ethan, instead you were confronted with the stoic expression of Natalie Manning.

“I thought the two of us should have a chat.” She said as she drew the curtain shut behind her.

“You know what Nat? I’m really not in the mood.” You informed her, gesturing at your arm.

“You’ve been dodging my calls.” She said, coming to stand alongside the bed so the two of you were eye to eye. “And if this is the only way the two of us get to talk so, be it.”

“I forgot how much you enjoy a captive audience.” You snarked, meeting her ferocious gaze with one of your own. “And we both know why I haven’t been picking up the phone.”

“Things have changed.” Jay told you back in a hospital room in Virginia. “He’s getting married.”

It had been a blow, you had to admit that, but you swallowed down that anguish because Will deserved to be happy. You were glad that he’d found someone to love him, to care for him, someone who could put him first.

“I’m pleased he found someone.” You told Jay. “Someone to look after him.”

Jay shook his head, before his hand came to rest on yours, squeezing lightly.

“No, you don’t understand.” He said quietly. “It’s Natalie, he’s marrying Natalie Manning.”

It had been like someone had stabbed you right through the heart and twisted the knife because Natalie had been a friend, a close one. It was Natalie you had first told about the job you’d been offered, Natalie who had encouraged you to take it because this was a once in a life time opportunity, Natalie who had told you not to worry, she would keep an eye on Will.

“You can’t be mad at me for falling in love with him.” Natalie said softly.

You knew how empathetic Will was, how understanding, how compassionate. He dived into everything with his heart and his soul, and it was invigorating to be around someone who lived like that, who wasn’t scared to be honest about who they were and what they wanted. He was easy to love.

“But I can be mad at you for pursuing him.” You retaliated. “Tell me, were you in love with him the whole time we were together or was it just after I left?”

Natalie’s lips clamped together, her gaze lowering. And you knew, you fucking knew.

“The whole fucking time?” You whispered. “Was our friendship even really about me and you?”

“I liked you.” she shrugged. “I cared about you.”

“You just cared about him more.”

Natalie said nothing, you sat there reeling at the information. You had suspected of course but suspecting and knowing were two different things and it felt you had been doused with ice water, your brain couldn’t function as you backtracked over your entire friendship with Natalie.

“Why did you come back?” she asked you. “Why now?”

You clenched your jaw, you could feel that pain and that anguish building up inside of you, you’d lost everything. Your lover, your friend and almost your life and Sarah, you had lost Sarah. It was acute and violent the grief, it washed over you like a wave.

“I didn’t come back for Will.” You fold her.

Her shoulders seem to relax at the statement, her fingers twisting the engagement ring on her finger. The one you’d found in his jacket pocket, the night you had told him about the job.

“Did you know about the investigation?”

“No.” You said honestly. “I got back a couple of weeks before it went down. It wasn’t even on my radar until that night.”

You didn’t tell her you had been on medical leave until the day it happened. Your first day back in Intelligence was when you realised something was going on with Jay. You’d been the only one left in the Squad Room when he had gotten that phone call, you’d heard Will’s name and you knew, you just knew something was horribly wrong.

Tell me, you had begged him. Jay could never lie to you, he knew you were the only one that was as invested in saving Will’s life as he was, that wasn’t focused on taking down a target. He filled you in on the way over to Med, you watched as he persuaded Connor to bring his informant out of sedation and you thought of the toll it must have taken on Will. How much pressure he had been under, how sick he must have been to be involved in something like this to have to hide it from the people around him, to balance so precariously on a knife edge of two lives.

When you’d seen him standing there, covered in blood you thought he’d been hit, and the air had rushed out of your chest. When he moved towards you, his hands running through your hair with that wrecked expression you couldn’t help but fall for him all over again. Those feelings you had buried, they never really went away. All you could feel was relief. Relief that he was alive and standing there before you and for the first time in two years you felt like you could breathe again.

“He’s moved on.” Natalie’s voice penetrated your thoughts drawing your attention back to her.  She fixed you with a hard gaze as she walked back towards the curtain, one hand gripping it. “You should too.”

Big Fan of Will! Get added to his tag list!

Like My Work? - Why Not Buy Me A Coffee

[go-to-two]

I read a comment on a Screenrant article and would like to hear your opinion on it

here is the article https://screenrant.com/fbi-international-jesse-lee-soffer-casting-chicago-pd-problem/

and here is the comment

"I'm not sure I believe he won't come back as Jay Halstead to be honest... I also wonder if Tracy recently leaving CPD is not linked to Jesse Lee switching to FBI International. It's hard to forget the theory most fans had that Upton was joining the FBI and so Tracy would switch to other franchise... And then suddenly Jesse Lee is confirmed joining... I mean we know this is shot in Hungary and it was one of the reasons why Luke left the show (wanting to be with his family). So I'm waiting to see how this really pans out, as those two are not really secret anymore, are they? Lol I would like both ways to be honest, with a little preference with Halstead joining the FBI team."

I think people are reading too much into something that isn't there, honestly. Part of me gets it, I loved Jay's character- but it's been made clear he isn't playing Jay. If he were, they would have capitalized the hell out of that in marketing to let people know he's back. That's not something I would expect would be a surprise for the audience, that's something I think would be in big, bold "JAY HALSTEAD IS BACK" letters. Ain't so, but his new character could be just as interesting.

Also, I think Tracy leaving PD was decided before Jesse was confirmed for FBI, if I have my timeline right. I don't think she left one show with the intention to join the other, if that's what this comment implies.

[themultifandomgal]

Will Halstead- 2 Lost Souls Pt2

Trigger warning- blood and pulling glass out of skin.

Weeks later and Will and YN become close, I guess running over someone and then having them live at your apartment does that to people.

Will being a doctor meant that YN would have the best care. Will had been out at work all day and YN decides she would try and make some food for them both since she is feeling the best she has since the accident. YN reaches for the jar of coconut oil and attempt to open it up, but it slips out of her hand and smashes all over the floor

"Shit" YN sighs now regretting not wearing any shoes. She looks at the clock in the kitchen and realises that Will will be home soon after his first shift back at work after YN forced him to go back to work. Trying to jump on to the counter top so she can slide herself to safety she slips and lands on the floor on her broken arm, now covered in cuts from the glass. Tears spill from her eyes from the pain searing through her body.

Will gets home but smells burnt food. Rushing into the kitchen he sees YN on the floor crying and smoke coming out out the oven

"YN? What the hell happened?" He rushes over to her and turning the oven off first before crouching down to look at the woman he's quickly grown feelings for

"Tried making a chicken curry but the coconut oil dropped and I slipped" let's get you up and I'll sort this mess out later once I know your ok" carefully Will picks YN up bridle style and carries her into the bathroom placing her down on the toilet seat. He gathers the medical supplies he needs "this is probably going to hurt"

"I know" YN sighs. Will gently takes her hand in his and starts to pull out small bits of glass from her arm, leaving her with little cuts

"Why did you want to make a curry? You know I would have picked one up on the way home"

"I just wanted to do something nice for you. You've looked after me for 3 weeks now and I just wanted to say thank you"

"YN you don't need to say thank you. It was my fault that your in this state"

"Not just your fault. I wasn't looking where I was going" YN shrugs. Both Will and YNs eyes meet, a moment passes before Will looks back down at her wounds.

The worst one was a large piece of glass on her leg which started to bleed when Will removed it

"It's not to deep but I need to stitch it up. Is that ok?"

"Yeah" Will nods and gets to work.

Once YN was all patched up Will gets her comfortable on the couch with a film on and a blanket over her while he deals with the mess in the kitchen

"I'm sorry" YN calls looking over at Will sweeping the floor

"Stop apologising" he calls back making YN chuckle "how's your arm feeling?"

"A little sore"

"I'll get you some painkillers in a second"

"Thank you" YN looks back to the TV and continues with the film. In no time at all Will is sat next to YN with a bottle of water and some painkillers in his hand

"Here"

"Thank you" YN takes the pills and the bottle of water to wash them down

"YN can I ask you something?"

"Of course"

"I know it's been only 3 weeks but do you have this feeling of... home when we're together?"

"Weirdly yeah. It's like I've known you forever. Like we're 2 lost souls"

"I want to take you on a date, that's if you'd like to" Will nervously says

"Oh Will. I'd love to" YN smiles feeling giddy inside

"I'd say I will pick you up tomorrow at 7, but since we are living together at the moment, be ready for 7?" YN chuckles

"Kinda need you to help me get ready"

"Oh right yeah course"

"What a way to start a romance story" YN laughs thinking how all of this was because of that dreadful night

"I'll never forget that night for sure" Will shivers a little

"I guess everything happens for a reason"

"We were bound to meet at some point. Would have much preferred meeting you at Mollys or when you and Jay come to the hospital to talk to a suspect or victim" this gives YN an idea. She gets up off the couch giggling

"What are you doing?"

"Just go with it" she hops to the front door, opens it and closes it behind her. Will gets up off the couch making his way to the front door confused when he hears the door bell. Opening it up with raise eyebrows YN sticks her hand out for him to shake

"Hi I'm YN YLN and I just moved her. I heard your my partner at PDs brother" laughing will takes YNs hand and shakes it

"Will Halstead. Please come in"

[sevcasejay1chicago]

Sundays- Jay Halstead

Summary: A look into a typical Halstead Sunday.

~~~~~~~~~

If you ask Jay Halstead what his favorite day of the week is, he will always say Sunday. Not because he normally has the day off, but because of his girl. Before he met you, he would go to church and then come home to watch football or go to Molly’s for football parties and drinks. Now, he spends every Sunday with you.

Every Sunday morning, Jay watched as you get dressed and do some vocal warm ups. You have been a worship leader at your church, that Jay now attends with you, for 6 years. Jay loves to watch you get ready and you pay him no mind, knowing that he is watching, but used to it after roughly a year of marriage. While you blow dry your hair, Jay makes you both coffee and a quick breakfast before he parks it back on the bed and eats his breakfast while he watches you. He thinks it’s hilarious that you get excited every time he does this, like he hasn’t done it for you every Sunday since you started spending the day together. You always munch as you go, fluttering around like the princess you are as you get ready for the morning.

Watching you lead worship is another favorite for Jay. Even though Jay isn’t as musically inclined as you, nor was he ever really into worship music before, you have changed all that for him. The way you light up the stage without trying or wanting to be noticed always puts Jay in the worshiping mood and makes him so happy. He could watch you all day and worship along side you all day. Voight is great about letting him have his Sundays with you because it has changed Jay’s attitude ever since he began attending with you. You and Jay even have small groups that you are plugged into, even with his crazy schedule, but it makes both of you better people.

Jay knows your exhausted after 3 services. He stays for each one, but he knows the crowds can be draining for you. You have a low social battery in crowds of more than 10, so you are ready for a lazy day every Sunday afternoon. Sometimes a service can get heavy, and Jay is there for all of that too, but he always makes sure you are taken care of as soon as the truck doors close.

Jay always reaches over and grabs your hand before pulling off. He’ll grab your hand and wait for you to lock eyes before asking,”Are you doing okay? Anything we can stop and get before going home?” And then he will place the most gentle kiss on the back of your hand while he waits for your reply. He accommodates every need you ever think up, if there ever is one. He never wants you to burn out, just like you won’t let him burn out, so he returns the favor with as much love as he can muster.

Once Jay gets you home, he gets you to eat a light lunch and encourages you to go get comfy while he cleans the kitchen. Sometimes you don’t make it further than the couch if it’s been a particularly hard week and Sunday was just the final zap to your energy. Most Sundays, Jay will find you just slipping into bed when he finishes cleaning up. You have taken off your church clothes and thrown them in the hamper, taken off your makeup, and put up your hair.

Sunday afternoon naps are your favorite thing in the entire world. Jay has learned to love them too. When you crawl into bed after your little routine, you are in nothing but a pair of underwear. Sometimes you’ll put on one of Jay’s shirts if it’s cold, but that’s rare. You always try to wait for Jay, always sleeping better when he is either in the bed or you are in his arms, but the latter is what you prefer. If it’s a football day, Jay will plug in his Bluetooth headphones and watch the game while you nap. On the occasion, Jay will join you in your nap. Most Sundays, Jay will play on his phone or just lay there and watch you sleep, enjoying every moment he has with you. In general, Jay knows any moment with you could be his last, but as a detective that possibility is increased.

Jay never takes advantage of Sunday afternoons. He cherishes them and you. He loves how you glow when you wake up. Sometimes you’ll drool a little and apologize profusely, though Jay just laughs it off every time and wipes off his chest like nothing happened. You’ll blush when you realize his eyes are on you. Hazel eyes meeting his green.

Sometimes, you’ll convince Jay to lay in bed for the rest of the day. You love counting his freckles or tracing his skin. He’ll snuggle you in, kissing you anywhere he can comfortably reach. He loves when you giggle at the little kisses he pecks on your nose or cheeks. He loves to make you melt with little forehead kisses or work you up with kisses on your neck or behind your ear. He’s learned every inch of you. He has memorized your body like his own and sometimes he swears he knows your body better. He’d give anything to drag on and keep hold of a Sunday afternoon.

[torreshalstead]

On a crowded street in 1944 - Chapter 11

Summary - The four walls of Upton’s General Store were all Hailey knew although she longed to see what else life had to offer. When a handsome soldier walks through the door, she thinks he might just be the answer to the life she wants to have. But it was 1944 and the country was at war. Would fate smile on her or would her heart be another casualty of the war?

Chapters - 11/15

Notes - we are back to our regularly scheduled Saturday chapters, thank you for the support on this story ❤️ AO3 Link

December 1944

It had been two months since she had last received a letter from Jay, and the feeling that it was just a delay with the postal service had been replaced with a far less pleasant thought.

Hailey could only think of one reason why Jay wouldn’t be writing to her.

But she also thought she would feel it in her heart if something terrible had happened to him, and although the pain of missing him still persisted, it wasn’t joined by something more horrid.

It didn’t stop Hailey from scouring the list of the missing and dead that graced the back pages of the paper every day. She diligently went through each one, checking for a Halstead. She knew him as Jay but was aware it might be a nickname. He could be a James or a John Junior or any name beginning with a J for all she knew. But still, no Halstead’s appeared in her search so she let herself continue to hope.

Maybe his letter had just gotten lost. Because he would write if he could. And she knew he would, because she knew him. She loved him. And he loved her.

Oscar still turned up once a week to take her to the tea shop where he still ordered her a tea. He had never asked if she would have preferred anything else and she didn’t correct him. For Hailey it was just another example of how poorly they were suited to each other. Jay would have asked her.

Still, their time together was pleasant with only mild discussions of the wedding. It was too far off to plan anything so any time he brought it up, she managed to dismiss it without him raising too much of a fuss.

Unfortunately the same could not be said for her father who had taken out a half page advert in the newspaper announcing the upcoming union between the Upton’s and the Farrell’s. He had written the notice himself which would explain why it read as more of a business transaction than an excited father writing about his daughter’s wedding. But Hailey supposed that’s exactly what it was. It was a business transaction. His excitement was only for himself.

Hailey still hadn’t got any more specific details regarding who had promised who what but she knew her father well enough to see behind his smile. From the small amount of information she had gleaned from his loud voice and their apartment's thin walls, she believed it was that Upton General Store was looking to become the sole supplier of Farrell products - very popular leather working tools. It was a good deal and if Hailey’s own happiness hadn’t been thrown in as a bargaining chip, she might have been proud of her father for arranging such a deal.

But as it happened, every time he smiled, it made her stomach turn just a little.

Christmas was just around the corner but with the empty hope that Jay might have been home by Christmas a distant memory, Hailey wasn’t looking forward to the occasion. As with most things, they would decorate the store much more lavishly than their own apartment - all part of the act, and then come Christmas morning she would spend hours slaving away with her mother to prepare the lunch, minus the meat centrepiece this year, and her father would gulp it down without so much as a thank you or an offer to clean the dishes after.

The one relief was that the store would be closed on Christmas Day and Boxing Day, giving her just a little reprieve and she might even get a chance to venture out without having Oscar on her arm. Just a little taste of the freedom she would be giving up soon.

Still, she hoped that Christmas would bring her one thing - a letter from her love.

——————————————————————————

January 1945

Her Christmas wish didn’t come true.

It had been three months since her last letter from Jay and she was now worried.

Everyday she diligently checked the lists in the papers and still no Halstead was listed, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t missing in action or, heaven forbid, had been taken prisoner. She knew nothing and somehow the not knowing made everything worse.

She pasted on a fake smile every day, served the customers in the store, completed her chores and listened to her mother get excited about her wedding. And then she would cry herself to sleep, the edges of Jay’s previous letters becoming worn and tattered from her continuous reading. Not that she needed to read them anymore, she knew every one off by heart. But she could imagine him holding the letters and touching them was as close as she could get to touching him.

She had debated trying to get in contact with someone in Jay’s family in case they had received news, but the only family she knew was his brother who was also at the front. There was no one else from what Jay had told her. So even if the worst did happen, she would have to wait for his name to be printed alongside the names of all the other poor souls who had laid down their lives for the good of their country. She didn’t know if there was a delay between when the news was received or when it got printed.

She knew nothing apart from that Jay hadn’t written and her heart was aching.

——————————————————————————

February 1945

February brought Valentine’s Day and still no news of Jay. Oscar bought her flowers, roses, not her favourite but he hadn’t asked and she hadn’t told him. Still, they brightened up her bedroom but not her mood.

Her mother had noticed her change in demeanour, her usually bubbly personality had been replaced by something far more meloncoly. She didn’t bring it up but Hailey noticed the small things she did for her to try and brighten her mood. She would slide extra portions onto her plate when she cooked her favourite food, she managed to get some sample fragrances that she suggested Hailey could wear on her next date, she offered to curl her hair for her. She appreciated them but still, her heart was pining and the longer it went between his letters, the more she believed the worst had happened.

He had been killed.

He had been taken prisoner.

He wasn’t coming back to her.

What she also knew but refused to fully consider was what Jay not coming back to her would mean for her. She would be bound to marry Oscar. A man she didn’t love.

——————————————————————————

March 1945

Hailey’s hope was dwindling away. She was holding tightly onto a thought that was looking less and less possible, her fingers blistered and bleeding from holding the thread so tightly. There was still no news. She started hoping when she checked the list of young men’s names in the newspaper that she would see his, then at least she could get closure.

She knew she’d never love again, that her heart belonged to him even if he was no longer walking this earth, but the not knowing was worse. Her mind spiralled through all of the possibilities, each one worse than the previous and never giving her a moment's rest.

Oscar had started to notice her shift in mood, how could he not, but she appreciated him not commenting on it. On their dates he would let her sit in silence, not attempting to fill the air with inane comments that she didn’t care about. If he ever guessed what was truly going on behind her sky blue eyes, he never said anything.

The ring on her finger still felt foreign but it was still a way out, she wouldn’t be beholden to her father after she was wed. Well, not completely anyway.

She tried as much as she could to focus on the positives but they were few and far between. She still cried herself to sleep most nights, having to splash cold water on her face and her red eyes before going down to the store in the morning to prevent any questions being asked. She couldn’t cope if she was made to voice aloud what was working through her mind.

——————————————————————————

April 1945

Nothing.

There was nothing.

The words that she had from Jay were all she was ever going to have.

They said the war would be ending soon, that the boys would be home before the end of the summer.

If that news had come months ago it would have made Hailey happier than she ever would have thought. But not now.

The end of the war was the deadline for her chance. When the end of the war came, she would be held to her word, to the promise she had given Oscar when she had accepted his ring and tested his patience.

She would be his wife.

And Jay would be nothing more than a memory, a part of her that would always remain but could never continue to be.

She thought about throwing out his letters, where reading them had originally brought her joy, they now only brought her pain. They were full of promises that would never be kept, of dreams that could never come true, of a life that Hailey was destined to never live.

But she couldn’t bear to part from them, they were the only piece of Jay that she had left. And if the worst had happened to both him and his brother, she may be the only person to keep their memory alive. The only person who would visit the graves that may or may not hold their bodies, to mourn at the monuments that would be erected with their names carved into it, the only person who knew the good person that he had been.

——————————————————————————

May 1945

Her nightmares had started to get worse, Jay would be walking towards her, a smile plastered on his face as he climbed down off the boat, the Stars and Stripes flying high above him. Just as he was getting to her, his arms wide to pull her into him, a blush of red would start to spread across his chest, staining his pristine uniform scarlet. His face would whiten, becoming sunken and ghost like, his handsomeness long gone and replaced with something else. Before she could get to him, to help stem the bleeding, he would drop down in front of her into a lifeless heap in the ground.

She would then wake up, her breathing heavy and her skin damp from sweat.

She started trying to keep herself awake at night so the haunting images of Jay wouldn’t fill her mind. But no matter how she tried, when she would succumb to sleep, the beautiful vivid images of their life together she had previously imagined were replaced with something far more hideous.

——————————————————————————-

June 1945

The sun had started to come out but Hailey’s smile had yet to make a reappearance.

What did she have to smile about?

The countdown to the end of the war was on, the excitement in the air was palpable. But the countdown to her was far less enjoyable.

She wished she could be excited, wished the prospect of the white dress and a promise of forever love brought her an ounce of joy. But it was starting to feel more like a prison sentence that she herself had signed her name to. Her positive attitude and hope had vanished and been replaced by a morbid person she wished she had never met.

She wasn’t proud of who she was becoming but there was only one way to fix a broken heart, and hers would never be whole again.

——————————————————————————

July 1945

The war was over.

The banners and flags were flying high, the pictures splashed all over the newspapers. People were rejoicing in the street, knowing that their men and boys would be home soon, at least those who had survived the atrocities.

The street parties were planned. The parades for the returning soldiers, both to honour the fallen and celebrate those who had returned.

But for Hailey. It meant that her timeline had run out. She was to marry Oscar.

The war had ended, but Jay wasn’t coming home.

She would never be Mrs Halstead. She would never be his wife. She’d never have his children and share his life. The dream was just that. A dream.

She was to marry Oscar and now there was no delaying it.

When everyone else was celebrating and cheering together in the street, Hailey cried herself to sleep, the sobs ripping through her body in anguish as she clutched her copy of Agatha Christie to her chest, remembering the promise a young boy had given her.

A promise she knew he would have kept if he could.

[grcvitydefied]

#grcvitydefied. a private, independent multi-muse blog for original and canon characters featured in various film and tv media. i rarely follow first. personals please do not engage. crafted by peyton. 25 + she/her. rules and muse list below the cut

RULES

1. this is a private, selective, multi-muse blog featuring both canon and original characters from chicago med, 911 and more. i don't claim to have any connection to the shows, cast or crew.

2. as of now this blog is considered private and i will not be following any new blogs at this time. if i follow you currently it means i want to interact with you. the exception to this rule is for mutuals who have new blogs or muses they are bringing back, etc. i will always follow those people back. this is for my comfort as i get easily overwhelmed and anxious sometimes.

3. memes are a great way to get things started with me. when replying to memes i turn them into threads so they are easier to reply to. i typically don't post starter calls but the occasional one may come up.

4. i will be using a mixture of small and large font on this blog. most of the writing on this blog will be iconless (at times) unless i am feeling inspired. there may be times where a longer reply does require an icon of some kind.

5. i do practice mains and exclusives but it takes a lot of trust on my end for me to ask someone to fill one of those spots. if one of my muses is exclusive with another that means that muse will not write with another. i ask that you please respect that. ex: my natalie manning is exclusive with a will halstead so i will not be writing natalie with any other wills.

6. i love shipping but again, i do require there to be a connection/friendship between muns. i will not ship with those i am not comfortable with. also i will not be writing any smut or anything nsfw with anyone under the age of 22. i prefer to write with those that are over 22 + and if anyone under those ages follows me you will be blocked.

7. there will be triggers on this blog based on the medical content present but everything will be tagged as needed. if there is anything that you need tagged that has been missed, please let me know and i will fix it. i myself have no triggers.

8. icon photos are from kissthemgoodbye.net and various news sites, psd and icon: apocalypseresources, somresources, rpstars, ctrlsugar, and vc-resources, all on deviantart.

MUSES

CHICAGO MED

david hadler, natalie manning, abigail hadler, hannah hadler, ava bekker, maggie lockwood, april sexton, kelly carpenter, vanessa taylor, marlese halstead, catherine rhodes & hannah asher

9-1-1

shannon diaz, adriana diaz, sophia diaz, maddie buckley, athena grant, may grant, hen wilson, evan buckley (request only), eddie diaz (request only)

WICKED

glinda, elphaba and princess cecilia (oc)

DOCTOR ODYSSEY

avery morgan and madeline bankman (oc)

PRIVATE MUSES

marissa clarence

EXCLUSIVES AND MAINS

david hadler, hannah hadler, kelly carpenter (heavily affiliated with @gaffns / @f1ftyone)

natalie manning, ava bekker (exclusive with @espres0s)

marlese halstead (affiliated with @espres0s)

sophia diaz (heavily affiliated with @frmthebone )

adriana diaz, shannon diaz (heavily affiliated with @firediaz)

avery morgan (exclusive with @storyscrawled)

marissa clarence (exclusive with @lieutbuck)

princess cecilia (heavily affiliated with @charm0nt )

psd and icon: apocalypseresources, somresources, rpstars, ctrlsugar, and vc-resources .

[drownholywater-kennedy]

For: @devilsvenom Where: An Ally somewhere When: Late at Night

“It’s nice to see my lessons have been put to good use. “ It was the first time Aurelia had spoken that night, her voice thick and smokey from disuse over the course of the day. She had been watching Annalise from the shadows, interrupting her own hunt when she had caught sight of the blonde stalking her own prey. Aurelia took her time with her prey, one more night wouldn’t change much. Hunting was a dangerous business however, the Halstead’s had seen that first hand. Aurelia however had a soft spot for Annalise, and would prefer not to see her throat torn out by a vampire.   

Aurelia had already seen creatures of the night take too much. The blood soaked living room of her home never left her mind, the outlines of guests bodies left drained were burned inside her eyelids. She imagined similar images haunted Annalise, perhaps for her it was the look on her parents face when her brother never came home. Almost every hunter had a story that haunted them, the cruelty of monsters who thought the world was there for them to toy with. The kinds of monsters Aurelia would die trying to stop

Aurelia pulled herself out of the shadows where she had cloaked herself, pushing off the brick wall that she had been resting against. Aurelia stalked towards the other, circling her and inspecting her closely.  It had gotten close at the end of the fight, the vampire taking a chunk out of Lis’s leg before the young hunter had driven the stake through its heart, finishing off the creature.  Aurelia clicked her tongue slightly, disapproving.   “Perhaps we need to pick them up again?” Aurelia inquired, icy blue eyes staring down lis as she brushed her own hair out of her face. 

“You have so much potential Lis, but you let yourself get distracted”

[agent-bash]

I know it’s a swap on topics sort of for a sec but can we talk about the whole Jason thing? Like wth is that?

So I’m of two minds with this. I - personally - have only ever met one outright Jay in my life. And really he wasn’t, he was Jay-Insert second hyphen name here. Every other Jay I’ve met has either been a Jason or a James legally speaking. So in that regard I’m not thrown at all.

But we’ve seen awards he’s won with the name Jay Halstead on them…departments will almost always use legal names, not preferred one. At least every department I know. A small inconsequential oversight I know, but still. It’s actually done for reasons other than just ‘this is legally your name and this is an official document of sorts.’

But I mean what else do we expect from a woman who can’t even be consistent about a characters backstory/timeline within a year, let alone several.