#Why I shouldn't write comics

[non-un-topo]

Young adults kaysanova?

[havendance]

Finished the Messner-Loebs Wonder Woman run. I can feel myself latching onto Artemis. There's just something about that she is just constantly a pawn. She's trying so hard. She's constantly fighting. She wants respect for the Bana Mighdall on Themyscira. She wants to fight the injustices of Man's World. And yet, her winning the contest and becoming Wonder Woman stems from Hippolyta's fear for Diana. Artemis winning the contest isn't actually going to raise the Bana Mighdall in Hippolyta's eyes, it's just her sending someone to die in her daughter's place because she can't bear the alternative. The victories she wins against injustice aren't real victories. They're staged, a show put on for the cameras which let people relax in the knowledge that they don't have to do anything. The deck was stacked against her from the start.

[goliig68]

What is your unpopular 19 days opinion that will get you in this situation?

[wereh0gz]

Not feeling great abt some of my creative endeavors rn

[lepetitfruit]

Every time I have a knee-jerk reaction to clarify "oh I think this is cool but I'm not ~one of them~" I have to stop and think for a moment about why. What about being perceived as part of that group bothers me? Why does it bother me? What would clarification acheive, other than alienating a group I'm trying to say is interesting? It's very informative

[the-force-awakens]

I just think in order to write poe dameron well you also have to be able to write spider man well,

[thankskenpenders]

The Lara-Su Chronicles: Beginnings review

The day has finally come. Many, understandably, thought we'd never get here. Maybe we shouldn't have gotten here. We've been through so much. Lawsuits, reboots, redesigns, unreleased NFTs, empty legal threats over the fact that movie Knuckles has a dad, an attempt to license out Scourge the Hedgehog to fans that immediately got canceled (in both meanings of the term), and many, MANY idiotic Twitter controversies. But now, here we are.

Thirteen years after first announcing it in the middle of his legal battles with Archie and Sega that changed the American Sonic comics forever, former writer Ken Penders has released the first part of his new series: The Lara-Su Chronicles.

Yes. I had to buy the book. I had to take one for the team. Look at the fucking URL of this blog, a blog I've been using to talk about the American Sonic comics for nearly a decade while the specter of this book loomed in the distance. The one time I've actually been paid to write an article about anything in any professional capacity, it was an article about the Penders lawsuits. I'm cited on his Wikipedia page. There was no way I was going to skip reviewing this, and there was no guarantee that scans would ever turn up online given the incredibly small audience for this trash. (Only 166 people preordered this, and even that number feels way higher than it should be.) No, I had to preorder it to ensure I could get a copy and cover it for the blog... even if that meant my name would be forever immortalized in the list of "supporters" in the back of the book. These are the sacrifices I must make as a woman who stumbled ass backwards into being an amateur Archie Sonic historian.

So, what exactly is in this book? How much of it is new? How bad is it? How did we even get here in the first place? How can this exist without Sega pursuing legal action? What happens next? And, most importantly... why are there multiple depictions of an Archie Sonic character breastfeeding in this book?

I'm here to answer those questions as best I can, and in agonizing detail.

First, for those just tuning in to this decades-long saga or those who maybe don't know the full story, here's a refresher on the background info.

"What the hell is this?"

The Lara-Su Chronicles is Ken Penders' long-dreaded long-awaited continuation of his 1994-2006 run on Archie Sonic, ignoring everything written after he left by other writers like Ian Flynn. In particular, it picks up from the cliffhanger ending of the 2003-2004 arc "Mobius: 25 Years Later," which was set in what Ken considers the definitive canonical future of the series. It stars Knuckles' daughter from that future era, Lara-Su, among other new and returning characters. The project was first announced near the start of Ken's legal battle with Archie in 2011, and he's been posting WIP previews online for about a decade. Now, after all this time, a Lara-Su Chronicles book finally exists.

We'll get to the actual contents of that book in a bit.

"He can do that without getting in trouble with Sega?"

Believe it or not, yes, he can.

Thanks to the outcome of Archie Comics' woefully mismanaged lawsuits against Ken (yes, they sued him after he started filing for copyrights, not the other way around), he now has full legal ownership of every story he wrote for Archie Sonic and every character he created for the series. This was explicitly granted to him in the terms of the settlement between him and Archie (acting on behalf of Sega). He can even reprint his old Sonic material as-is to his heart's content. The main catch is just that he can't write new stories featuring Sega characters or trademarks, and his new stories also have to be distinct from Sonic at a glance to avoid confusing readers. As such, reprints can't use Sonic iconography on the cover, a few Sega characters (mainly Knuckles) have been renamed and slightly redesigned in the new stories, and the art style has been changed to less closely resemble Sonic. But otherwise, he can do whatever he wants with his own characters.

All of this is because Archie lost the original copy of Ken's work-for-hire contract that signed over the rights to his work. Without that (or any alternative that was considered permissible in court), his comics and characters are the property of their creator by default. Yes, those old comics are full of Sega stuff, but Sega doesn't automatically own the copyright for every drawing of Sonic in existence. And Sega put their stamp of approval all over those comics and let them get sold at retail for decades, even though (in the eyes of the court) there was no legal paperwork granting them ownership of any of it. It's almost like they were unwittingly distributing a fan comic for years and declaring it a fair use of their property, and now there's no takesies backsies. It's a strange and unique copyright situation. Again, they worked all this out in the settlement. And, yes, fans have long speculated that Ken stole and destroyed his own contract to regain the rights to his work, but frankly Archie was so incompetent throughout the lawsuit (it went so bad that they had to fire and replace their lawyers midway through) that I completely buy the idea of them just losing important legal documents.

Also, in case it needs to be spelled out: while Ken's a weirdo, it's ultimately a good thing for creatives everywhere that Archie lost their lawsuit against Ken. We do not want to live in a world where corporations can claim ownership of peoples' work without the contracts to back it up. That would be an incredibly dangerous legal precedent to set. And more comic creators, and artists in general, should own their own work! Corporations are not your friend! They'll delete your work for a tax write-off in a heartbeat! It's just bewildering that this guy, of all people, was the creator who ended up successfully getting his shit back, and that this is what he's doing with it.

"What about his old collaborators? Are they involved? Is he paying them?"

Ken is mostly doing The Lara-Su Chronicles solo, though he has, in fact, talked about compensating the artists involved in any material he's reprinting. The ones who give enough of a shit to get paid for a small scale reprint of something they did 20 years ago, anyway.

On the subject of his collaborators, it's also worth pointing out that Ken's wasn't the only contract that was lost. Most of the early Archie Sonic writers from before Ian Flynn's time seem to be in the same boat as Ken, with the ownership of their stories and characters defaulting back to them. Again, Archie fucked up big time. But like I said, most of them don't really seem to give a shit. For most of them, Sonic was just a random temporary gig they took to pay the bills while Marvel was busy going bankrupt in the '90s, not the thing that defined their entire careers.

The only other Archie Sonic contributor who's tried to do anything on the level of what Ken is doing was writer and editor Scott Fulop. In 2016 he attempted to sue Archie for the unauthorized use of what are now retroactively considered his copyrighted characters and stories, and he even announced a standalone comic about his most famous Sonic character, the recurring villain Mammoth Mogul (sort of a pastiche of DC's Vandal Savage and Marvel's Kingpin, with wizard powers added for spice). However, Fulop lost his lawsuit because he didn't put together a particularly compelling case. Since then he seems to have wiped all traces of his ill-advised Mammoth Mogul comic and his company, Narrative Ark Entertainment, from the internet. For now, this leaves The Lara-Su Chronicles the only project of its kind.

"What about those other Archie Sonic reprints he just announced?"

At the time of writing, Ken is once again claiming that he's trying to get the band back together to reprint all of Archie Sonic, now under the bad new banner "Floating Island Productions: MOBIAN LINE" that I can't imagine he consulted literally anyone else on.

So, like, look. As we've established, Ken can reprint his own stories. And if he can work something out with the other contributors whose contracts were lost, he can print their work, too. But there is no fucking way he's getting his hands on Ian Flynn's run, which Sega undoubtedly holds the copyright for. Even if they don't, Ian needs to maintain a good working relationship with both Sega and IDW if he's to keep his job, so he'd never go for this. Not to mention that Ian and Ken just... don't get along! Ken's whole plan here seems to be predicated on IDW going out of business (a thing he REALLY wants to happen) and freeing up the Sonic comic license, after which he knocks on Sega's door and goes "hey I've still got dirt on you guys," blackmailing them into giving him the Sonic license back so that he can reprint the later comics. Every step of this plan is ludicrous. It's never gonna happen.

He's been saying he wants to reprint the whole series for a few years now, though. This isn't really anything new. And despite his lofty plans that set Sonic Twitter ablaze, he quickly backpedaled. The only specific things in the works right now are a "two-volume omnibus" of all of his Knuckles stories and a collection of artist Scott Shaw's work on the very early Archie Sonic issues, since they're on good terms with each other. I have no idea how Ken plans on packaging these when he can't put any Sega characters or the Freedom Fighters on the covers, but these projects are small enough in scale that there's a decent chance they'll see the light of day. Scott Shaw only did like five issues. But anything beyond that? I'll believe it when I see it.

Or, y'know, this could've all just been a publicity stunt for his new book. I wouldn't put it past him. Let's just focus on the book that actually exists.

"So he finally did it? He made a whole Lara-Su book? It's out? He finished it??"

Yes and no.

The book that's out now is The Lara-Su Chronicles: Beginnings, a prologue for the series of seven graphic novels Ken somehow plans on making, even though it's taken him 13 years to put out literally anything new. I don't know whether or not this counts as book one of seven, because it only features 30 pages of new comics. 30.5 if I'm being generous.

Most of the book is actually just a reprint of his infamous Archie Sonic storyline "Mobius: 25 Years Later", which ran from issue #131 to #144 in 2003-2004. (Again, yes, he can reprint this, he just can't put Sonic on the cover.) Why's it infamous? Well, Ken had been building anticipation for this future era of the series for basically his entire run. We kept seeing King Sonic and Queen Sally from the future. Knuckles' entire backstory hinges on his dad having a vision of this future. Several years before Silver the Hedgehog was created, it was Lara-Su who was Sonic's equivalent to Future Trunks, the cool-looking child of one of the main characters who traveled back in time to try and prevent a dark future. Believe it or not, yes, there was hype for Lara-Su. And then we finally got M25YL, and none of that cool stuff happened. Instead it really ended up being about how unbearably boring the middle aged Sonic, Knuckles, Sally, and co. are in this peaceful future where Robotnik is dead and they're all married with kids, forced into traditional nuclear family gender roles. Lara-Su is present, but she mostly just does generic teen girl stuff and complains about how Knuckles won't let her do anything even though she REALLY wants to be the new Guardian of Angel Island, like, super bad! Come on, dad!!!

In its original printing, this meandering arc ended on an abrupt time travel cliffhanger that Ken was never able to follow up on before he left Archie in 2006. This new printing slightly changes that ending, using the unresolved timey-wimey shenanigans as a convenient excuse to alter the entire timeline. This creates the slightly different world of The Lara-Su Chronicles, where the few relevant Sega-owned characters have been replaced and everyone is ten times uglier.

After this, we finally get two short new stories picking up where M25YL left off: "The Storm," starring Acorn Kingdom super-spy and known creep Geoffrey St. John, and an early release of the first chapter of The Lara-Su Chronicles: Shattered Tomorrows, the first full TLSC graphic novel.

And now that we're all on the same page about what we're looking at, let's actually talk about the book!

The cover

Let's start by beating a dead horse. The cover art: it's still bad! But why is it bad?

The cover is, of course, based on Patrick Spaziante's cover from Archie Sonic #131, the start of the "Mobius: 25 Years Later" arc. (Ken did the layout for that cover, though, so in the eyes of the law he's the original creator who owns that cover.) That cover was, itself, a tribute to the iconic cover of Giant-Size X-Men #1 by Gil Kane and Dave Cockrum, the issue that introduced the version of the team with Wolverine, Storm, Nightcrawler, etc.

Ken seems to have forgotten that the point of both these covers was to hype up the arrival of a new cast of characters. The new guys are supposed to make a dramatic entrance front and center. That's the focal point. Meanwhile, the cover for Beginnings has the old timeline versions of the cast from Archie Sonic dramatically bursting out of a shattered crystal ball, while their new counterparts look on in mild bemusement - if they're even bothering to look at all, since most of the characters here are just copied and pasted from their profile pages. That's just not how you do this particular homage! The point is supposed to be "out with the old, in with the new." And why are they using a crystal ball to view the past? Hell, why are they even using a crystal ball at all? The original arc was presented as a magical vision of the future courtesy of Tails' uncle Merlin (don't ask), but the new story leans all the way into being futuristic sci-fi.

Of course, there is no real artistic intent at play here. The old versions of the characters are placed front and center in the crystal ball simply because Ken traced over Spaziante's original art of Lara-Su and Julie-Su (the only two characters on the Sonic cover he owns) and threw out the rest, ruining the composition in the process. Look at the awkward empty space where Sonic, Sally, and Rotor once were, and the new drawing of The Character Formerly Known As Knuckles who's no longer properly centered between his wife and daughter. Even if Ken can claim ownership of the cover because he did the original layout, this all just feels scummy and lame.

And, yeah, if it needs to be said, the new characters and Ken's new rendering style look like absolute fucking dogshit. Putting new Lara-Su directly next to old Lara-Su does her no favors. The shattered glass effect looks absolutely atrocious. I could go on, but we'll have plenty of time to talk about the art style when we see how bad the stories inside look.

Changes to "Mobius: 25 Years Later"

Overall, 99% of M25YL is presented identically to its original printing. Sonic, Sally, Knuckles, et al. are still present with no changes to their names and no tweaks to the art. Even the original cover for issue #131 is included only a few pages into this book with its Archie, Sonic, and Sega logos still intact and everything. Again, because of the weird copyright situation described above, these preexisting comics can be released without any changes.

There is exactly one bizarre change to the art, though, where a hand drawn shot of Angel Island is replaced with an unfitting photo background and the ugly Floating Island photobash that Ken has been using as his personal logo for decades. I think he only did this as part of a test for his motion comic app that nobody asked for. I don't know why this had to make it into the print version. It's like the book is firing a warning shot for what's to come if you keep reading.

The new content begins on the final page of M25YL. In the original wet fart of a cliffhanger ending, Sonic and co. accidentally alter the timeline with an old time machine of Robotnik's and Lara-Su begins to fade away. Then, after everything goes white, we just cut to the present day heroes going "gee, you ever think about the future?" In this new printing, that last bit has been cut, and the rest of the page has been awkwardly shrunk down so that Ken can fit in a new panel. We now see the hands of an off-screen villain, seemingly named "Override," proclaiming that "the Praetorian" (Knuckles) has messed up the timeline again and that they'll finally get their revenge.

Who is this Override? I have no fucking clue. The new stories in this book make no mention of them. You have to buy the next book to find out.

My confusion over the identity of this villain overlaps with another big problem: name changes. So many names and nouns have been arbitrarily changed in The Lara-Su Chronicles, even ones Ken didn't have to change for copyright reasons, and I only know what half of them are replacing because Ken's been tweeting about this shit for years.

The echidnas are now a totally original alien race called "the Echyd'nya." Even in flashbacks to events from M25YL attempting to mimic the old art style, if it's on a new comic page, they're gonna call themselves "Echyd'nya." Evil echidna faction the Dark Legion is now the "Cyberdark Dominion," hailing from the "Cyberdark Colony." The Brotherhood of Guardians is still the Brotherhood of Guardians, but now the main guardian is called "The Praetorian." Angel Island is still called "The Floating Island," like it was in the older Archie comics, but it's ALSO sometimes called "Avion"? When I read this I wasn't sure if he had randomly renamed Albion, the other echidna city from the Archie comics. But no. Now we have an Albion AND an Avion. Sally is mentioned simply as "Princess Acorn," while Sonic is referenced once as an unnamed "blue-spined Erinaceinae," using the scientific name for hedgehog to make it sound more sci-fi. In an incredibly ballsy move, Ken even mentions Robotnik as "the Insurrectionist Kintobor," retaining his original surname from the Archie comics that's just "Robotnik" backwards. Guess Sega never trademarked that one.

Aside from every name change being a downgrade, this leads to confusion when you're not sure if something is supposed to be new, or if it's just an Archie thing you're supposed to recognize despite having a new name and design. Is "Override" someone I'm supposed to know already? Am I just supposed to have read a fucking tweet from Ken where he said he changed the name of some existing villain to "Override"? The answer is no, but I had to term search his Twitter just to verify this.

Moving on!

New story #1: "The Storm"

If you've been following the WIPs, this is that story about Geoffrey St. John that Ken's been posting previews of for almost a decade. The title page copyright dates it to 2015, and that absurdly long gestation is probably why the art is so inconsistent here. Even the style of speech bubbles and the font change between pages two and three.

This is a problem when there's supposed to be a deliberate and noticeable change in art style here signaling the moment where the time travel stuff alters the timeline, replacing the Archie Sonic world with the Lara-Su Chronicles world. If you don't already know that's what's going on, the idea isn't conveyed clearly at all. It just goes from one hideous art style to a slightly different one with no explanation.

The main problem here is that Ken has hitched his wagon to a franchise about anthropomorphic animals when he can't draw furries to save his life. (Though a bit later in the book we'll also begin to wonder if he can even still draw humans.) He's shifted away from the cartooniness of the original designs and given them more human proportions and facial features, but this just ends up making them look incredibly uncanny and lumpy and gross. With some designs he's trying to lean into more of a Star Trek alien vibe, but then he still insists upon retaining the giant Sonic eyes on most characters even though he has no idea how to make them emote.

The rendering of these godawful designs doesn't do them any favors, either. Ken's going for more of a painterly look now, but it almost seems as though he's shading everything with Photoshop's burn and dodge tools that are designed to darken and lighten select areas of a photo. The result is a muddy, smudgy look that makes it feel like the color layer has been smeared in vaseline. And it only looks worse after coming off of 14 chapters of M25YL that have way more palatable art.

The backgrounds, too, are a complete mess, a jumble of low res jpeg photo elements (sometimes with extremely noticeable pixelation), stock textures, and smooth digital gradients. There's no real sense of place here, and it gives everything a surreal, dreamlike quality when you can't really tell where anything is supposed to take place. This first story is seemingly set in a high-tech stronghold below Castle Acorn called "the Bunker," but it could just as easily be confused for the bridge of a spaceship. This whole story features characters speaking to each other over floating video displays and hologram projectors from three different locations, but without a hologram effect and without a clear sense of where the characters are it often feels like they're just in the same room as each other. Characters will be in one location on one photo background, and then the camera angle changes and they're in a completely different place, because Ken just uses mismatched photos off of the internet. It's been like 25 years since he first tried using photo backgrounds in the Archie comics and he hasn't gotten any better at it.

When I had my boyfriend read the book to see if it made literally any sense to him (it didn't), Anthony said this: "This is the kind of shit I'd see linked on a Second Life world that hasn't been touched since 2004." I think he really hit the nail on the head. Now, there's actually a contrarian part of me that thinks that might theoretically almost be kind of cool, in sort of a messy counterculture way. I love weird indie shit. I was a Homestuck reader! But this isn't a scrappy mixed media zine, or experimental outsider art from someone just messing around with Photoshop, or a loving throwback to weird old internet art, or even something intentionally bizarre and offputting like Xavier: Renegade Angel or a PilotRedSun video or whatever where the fact that it's weird and ugly is part of the humor. This is supposed to be a sincere sci-fi epic drawing on Star Trek and Jack Kirby comics, made by a guy who's been drawing comics professionally since the '80s. This is supposed to look good. This is supposed to compete with mainstream comics that are on sale right now. He thinks any day now IDW's gonna go out of business and Sega will come crawling back to him so that he can stamp the Sonic logo on shit like this. It just doesn't work.

But, okay. It's ugly. We knew it would be ugly. But that ugliness would be much easier to accept if it was in service of an otherwise genuinely good story. So what about the writing? After all this time, how does Ken choose to kick off this new saga? Well, credit where credit's due. "The Storm" feels like a proper continuation of Ken's writing style from M25YL.

Because it's eleven pages of characters standing around and talking while nothing fucking happens.

Here's the synopsis: A dog woman named Brownie, an ensign in the Royal Secret Service fresh out of training and the only character who's almost cute, walks up to Geoffrey to deliver a report. He's immediately suspicious of her, asking who let her in and if she's a spy for Elias (Sally's brother, if you're new here) or Alicia (Sally's mom). The art style suddenly shifts when the timeline is altered, but the scene continues uninterrupted. Geoffrey points a gun at Brownie when she won't say whose spy she is. Geoffrey is distracted by a call and proceeds to have a conversation via a mix of holograms and video screens with Remington (head of Echidnaopolis security), Spectre (Knuckles' great great great great great grandpa, the one with the helmet who always looks evil), and a new scientist character named Dr. Zephyr/Zephur. (The spelling of this character's name changes multiple times throughout the 11-page story, because I guess nine years wasn't enough time to spellcheck this shit.) They say a bunch of made up technobabble nonsense about how it looks like the timeline was just altered and Knuckles and co. seem to be involved. It's complete drivel that I'm not even going to try to make sense of. Everyone decides to investigate further, and the conversation ends. Brownie tells Geoffrey she's his spy, then walks out and implies she's actually Alicia's spy in her inner monologue.

To be continued!!!

Yes, that's it. It's really just a bunch of technobabble where some characters talk about how it seems like the timeline has been fucked with. That's it. The whole time Geoffrey doesn't even get up out of his damn chair, which he's of course sitting in backwards to show how cool he is. It's just 11 pages of Geoffrey sitting in a chair and talking to people and looking uglier than he's ever looked. Nothing happens. Nine years for this.

I'm also struck by how meaningless all of this is to anyone who hasn't read Archie Sonic. The added context from M25YL may help a little, but "The Storm" focuses on characters who weren't in that arc, and the story does very little to introduce who any of them are. Brownie could've been super useful as an inexperienced point of view character who's only meeting the others for the first time here, but instead she's really just a passive observer who's here as part of some kind of 4D chess game between Geoffrey and Alicia, an off-screen character whose motivations in this era of the story are completely unknown to even returning readers. Who are the good guys and bad guys here? What are the conflicts and the stakes of the story moving forward? What do these characters want? Basic questions like this aren't really answered. I can't imagine a new reader being able to make heads or tails of this. Hell, I can't really imagine a returning reader who hasn't been following the last decade's worth of Ken's tweets about this story making heads or tails of it, either.

...Maybe more will happen in the next story?

New story #2: Shattered Tomorrows preview chapter

After another message from Ken, the story of The Lara-Su Chronicles proper begins with the redesigned Lara-Su walking along a jpeg photograph beach at sunset and crying while thinking about how Knuckles - sorry, his name is K'Nox now - is dead.

Yep! Straight into the dad stuff!

Look, I'm the last person to complain about writers getting super personal and drawing from their own baggage in their writing, but Ken's just no fucking good at it. There's no nuance, nothing interesting to say. He just keeps writing mediocre-to-horrible dads whose misdeeds are always justified by their "good intentions," and then sometimes they die and their kids are like "we may have fought but actually you were the bestest dad ever and I'll miss you forever, I'll never be able to fill your shoes!"

This is the only part of the new material here that feels like it has any heart behind it, because I know how much his complex relationship with his late deadbeat father means to Ken (there's an author's note in this outright saying as much). But the guy died 42 years ago, and it doesn't feel like Ken has had any new thoughts about this part of his life in those four decades. He's just not an introspective or self-aware enough artist to actually mine his personal baggage for anything beyond "father knows best."

Anyway, so then it jumps forward in time(?) and now we're following this human guy who looks like this.

Previously, Ken got a lot of shit for literally just using the likeness of Anthony Mackie for this guy, based on his IMDB profile photo. Ken has thus redesigned the character... and by that I mean I think he looks more like Ernie Hudson now? Ken's clearly just working off of photo references (if not straight up tracing), given his face is the most detailed and realistic-looking thing on any page where he's present.

But you may be wondering: who is this, and why is he here? Well, for one, he's here to run around in front of some low res space photos while making trite references to things like Planet of the Apes and Star Trek. Haha, he makes a joke about red shirts! Original!! But beyond that, Commander Mykhal Taelor (yes, that's really how he chose to spell it) is a human... from Earth! Archie Sonic readers are probably confused, because in those comics Mobius is Earth in the distant post-apocalyptic future. Well, despite being a Planet of the Apes fan, Ken always hated that particular worldbuilding decision from Karl Bollers, always preferring to think of Mobius as a separate alien planet. And now he gets to make that canon in his own stories and throw out Karl's ideas. So Mobius is basically just, like, a Star Trek planet now, with its own alien creatures that sometimes just so happen to look like anthropomorphic Earth animals.

Also, at one point Taelor wonders if the inhabitants of the dead Mobius might have been human, and the alien ally he's talking to over the radio says it's unlikely. "I don't understand why your kind has a problem understanding you're a minority within a minority." Perhaps poor wording for a line said to the only Black character in the story.

Anyway, Commander Taelor here seems to have discovered the uninhabited husk of Mobius after the vague time-space cataclysm everyone was worried about in M25YL has come to pass, and he finds an audio log from Lara-Su that I presume will explain what happened. I guess those are the titular Lara-Su Chronicles. In theory this flash forward establishes some sense of pressing danger, but when the threat to the planet is so unclear and technobabble-y it just kind of lands with a thud.

It doesn't take long before we get back to Lara-Su being sad about her dad. A good little chunk of the chapter is spent with this new timeline's Lara-Su recalling moments in her life, including echoes of the original Lara-Su's memories from M25YL, which feels redundant coming hot off the heels of a straight reprint of that entire arc. And boy, for anyone who read the later Archie Sonic comics, the protagonist having vague memories of the old version of the series from before a lawsuit-related timeline reboot sure does sound familiar, huh?

The art inconsistency somehow becomes even worse in this story, with Ken flip-flopping on whether or not he wants to use outlines, with the no-outline art managing to look even worse by relying entirely on Ken's awful rendering. By this point in the book, readers are also likely to start noticing how often Ken reuses art from previous panels. This is a shortcut that tons of comic artists use, of course. Invincible famously did a joke about this. It's often understandable. But, again... it sure does stand out in a book that took 13 years to make with only 30 pages of new art. Amusingly, Ken even manages to combine his inconsistency and recycling problems by reusing the same art with and without outlines. And, of course, any time Ken tries to draw the Archie era designs it's just... the worst.

And, yes, it's in this dreamlike montage sequence of Lara-Su's life that we get...

The uncomfortable family nudity scene, followed by the dual timeline Julie-Su breastfeeding scene.

Yeah, you might have heard about this one already. If this incredibly eerie presentation of Lara-Su's hazy memories of the two different timelines make it hard to tell what's going on, don't worry. There's another, clearer version later in the book as part of Julie-Su's character profile, because I guess Ken was just so proud of it.

(I censored these myself because I'm not playing Russian roulette with Tumblr's inconsistent nudity rules and risking getting banned lmao)

Like, okay. Is a mother breastfeeding her child really that shocking of a thing to see in a story? No, not at all. But, like... when it's two characters who you previously created for an officially licensed Sonic the Hedgehog comic for 7-year-olds... and some of those officially licensed Sonic the Hedgehog comics for 7-year-olds are reprinted in the same book... and when it's drawn like this... yeah, it's kind of a shocker.

It just looks so unnatural. Julie-Su is posed very deliberately so that you'll see both of her breasts, and in the new timeline version she's barely even holding Lara-Su so you can really get a good look at her supermodel body, showing zero physical signs that she just gave birth. Most people will immediately jump to this being Ken putting his fetishes in his work (a type of criticism that I'm incredibly tired of - it's 2024, all the cool artists are blatantly putting their fetishes in their work now). And my immediate response is that, no, this is probably just Ken trying to come off as really mature on a surface level, a thing he's been obsessed with since the Archie days. Free from the shackles of writing a licensed children's comic, of course he's going to jump immediately into depicting some nonsexual, artistic nudity to try and prove he's A Real Mature Artist For Grown-Ups who just thinks the human body is beautiful and breastfeeding shouldn't be a taboo etc. etc.

But then, like. You look at some of the other character designs. Like Espio's daughter Salma, who's now this horrifying alien lizard person who's always nude, and her scale pattern puts scales exactly where her nipples should be. Or you look at his comments about the Echyd'nya age of consent. Or you look at how he keeps drawing Lara-Su in this. Like, does the shuttle really need this, like... reverse chaise lounge thing in the cockpit? So that we can keep getting these shots of the 16-year-old Lara-Su lying on her stomach and posing with one of her legs kicked up, her naked ass in plain view?

The vibe isn't great, is what I'm saying!

I'm not going to try to ascribe authorial intent here. I don't know. I'm not a psychic. Given his very blatant reliance on photo references elsewhere in the book, it's entirely possible he just referenced some figure drawing photos that were maybe just a little too sexy. And also, he's an American comic book artist, and a boomer one at that. Those guys tend to draw women a certain way, even when it's not supposed to be sexual. I don't fucking know. It just sucks. I'm not gonna make some hyperbolic statement about how this makes him a literal pedophile who should be in jail, but it is deeply offputting and objectifying.

But if you already knew about the nursing scenes and were hoping there was some other really shocking stuff in there for me to talk about in this review, sorry to disappoint, but nope. That's the only shockingly weird new thing in here. Once again, not a lot happens in this story, and what does happen is pretty boring.

Once we get past the recap stuff and the human guy, the plot developments boil down to this: The timeline was altered at the end of M25YL... but not as much as you might think. In the new timeline, Knuckles ("K'Nox"), Cobar (now looking significantly younger), and Rotor (now a rhino just called "The Emissary") still traveled via shuttle to go find a time machine in the Badlands and fix the time-space continuum, like in the climax of the original arc. This time, though, Sonic wasn't there, and Lara-Su came along without having to stow away. Lara-Su watches the ship while the grown ups go deal with the time machine, and then after a couple panels Not Rotor comes back with Cobar and is like "Hey, Cobar got hurt, we gotta leave. Dunno what happened to your dad." And then they just, like. Presume that Knuckles must have died. Even though we have no idea what happened to him. And then they just fly away. And then Lara-Su is sad that her dad died.

And that's pretty much it!

This is supposed to be a really emotional sequence - it's literally the scene where Lara-Su learns that Knuckles is dead - but instead it comes off as unintentionally funny because of how poorly it's portrayed. Not showing Knuckles' actual disappearance is a huge misstep, for one, making his uncertain fate more confusing and anticlimactic than dramatic. But also, Ken keeps just using the same two drawings of Rotor for two pages, so he doesn't really seem to be emoting at all, and he's in this spacey hazmat suit that honestly just makes him look like fucking Moltar from Space Ghost. So the whole time I'm just reading his dialogue in Moltar's deadpan voice as he's like "I dunno. We did what we could. Anyway, let's leave."

After this, we get a two-page spread previewing the rest of the story from Shattered Tomorrows. It's basically like a trailer in comic form. It has one of the most mystifying layouts I've ever seen in a comic book. I have no idea what order I'm supposed to read this in.

Yeah, I kinda have a feeling this is the full extent of what Ken has drawn for the rest of that book. I'd love to be wrong, but I fear that I'm right.

Bonus material: Data files

These are mostly very dull, recapping a lot of events shared between Ken's Archie run and the new Lara-Su Chronicles timeline. It seems like almost his entire run is still considered canon to the backstory of the new timeline, just with some names changed, and things only really diverge at the climax of M25YL. But I'll share the interesting stuff here.

Lara-Su

The main thing you'll notice in Lara-Su's profile is the massive, unreadable wall of text where Ken felt the need to list the entire Knuckles family tree, split across both pages.

This is literally so long that Lara-Su's personal history has to awkwardly cut off mid-sentence and be continued on the final page of the book, after the rest of the data files.

Also, please note that this list gives Julie-Su's mom's full name as Mari-Su of the House of Atrades. Incredible on all levels.

There's also a reference to the dark timeline Lara-Su was originally supposed to come from. You know, the one where Julie-Su is the leader of a rebel movement fighting against a Knuckles who had gone mad with power? The timeline that would have been way more interesting than the one in M25YL? Here it seems to have been written off as the result of another "timeline disruption." Lara-Su allegedly has vague memories of this timeline, in the same way that she has vague memories of the M25YL timeline.

Geoffrey

Geoffrey's bio mostly recaps events from the Archie comics, which means the Sonic/Sally/Geoffrey love triangle has to be alluded to. His rivalry with Sonic is described like this:

"He would later resurface when Kintobor was transporting his latest hi-tech weapon, the Dynamac-3000. It was during that mission he discovered a rival for the Princess' affections. Whereas the Princess would be one of a line of conquests where St. John was concerned, the blue-spined Erinaceinae who protested doth a bit too much regarding his affections for the Princess for St. John's taste would prove to be a source of great sport and amusement."

Yes. It's gross. Saying that Geoffrey saw Sally as "one of a line of conquests" is gross. Ken writing this and then still treating Geoffrey as the coolest badass ever is gross. The "Princess Acorn" is also first on the list of Geoffrey's "female relationships" elsewhere in his bio, though I suppose how much of a "relationship" they had is left vague. Honestly, at this point the fact that Ken didn't explicitly confirm that Geoffrey took the underage Sally's virginity in the book comes off as a display of restraint. The bar couldn't be any lower, I know.

Remington

His bio is, frankly, shockingly long for such a minor character, though I guess he does get a large portion of the word salad dialogue in "The Storm." There's a lot of stuff here about how the identities of his biological parents are shrouded in mystery, a plot point that fans have long speculated Ken just straight up forgot about in his time at Archie. (Ian confirmed that Kragok from the Dark Legion was Remington's dad, though, so this isn't really much of a mystery.)

Lien-Da

She gets a bio even though she's not present in the two new stories, just so we get to look at her awful new design and compare it to how Steven Butler drew her earlier in the book:

Commander Taelor

We get to see two drawings of him with the same exact Ernie Hudson face side by side! That's fun.

Julie-Su

She gets a list of "known friends," but the only character listed is Knuckles' mom. Poor Julie-Su.

Also, Ken feels the need to reiterate that Knuckles and Julie-Su are still distant cousins. He made a whole new timeline where he can change whatever details he wants, but THAT had to remain canon. Thanks, Ken.

And then after the data files we get the special thanks page, listing everyone who preordered the book and/or bought TLSC merch from Ken.

With my name on the list. Because I had to buy a copy to cover it for the blog.

My name is on the very next page right after the breastfeeding panel in Julie-Su's data file.

Yep. He got me.

Is it at least a well put together book? Like, in terms of manufacturing quality?

Its physical quality is... fine. It's a nice, sturdy hardcover. The print quality seems fine, though mine does have a bit of smudging from some sort of printing error on one page. The pages don't seem like they'll fall out on me. The image quality is crisp. The colors are vibrant. This is a low bar, but this is one of the few places where I'm able to give this book anything resembling praise.

The formatting and graphic design work, on the other hand...

(I didn't crumple those page corners, it came like that.)

For one, the placement and sizes of the M25YL pages is inconsistent, largely due to the fact that the book doesn't actually match the proportions of a comic. A lot of pages aren't properly centered vertically. Some pages go all the way up to the top edge of the paper, while others leave a visible gap of about half a centimeter. Every page has a 1cm gap to its left and right, which is sometimes filled in with a solid color or gradient that doesn't quite match the page it's surrounding. I have to assume Ken didn't have any sort of source files or original artwork to work off of, as those ideally would've had more generous bleed to account for slight shifts in printing. It kind of seems like he just got the highest resolution versions he could find of the digital releases online and printed those. The colors are a dead ringer for the digital versions, which have always looked slightly more saturated and pastel than they did in print.

I can't say this bodes well for his further plans for Archie Sonic reprints - sorry, Mobian Line reprints. If they ever come out, please, for the love of god, do not buy those. I don't care how much you love Archie Sonic, they aren't going to be good reprints. For comparison, IDW's similarly priced hardcover Sonic collections have none of these formatting problems, because they're made by people who know what they're doing with access to the actual source files.

The book also has its fair share of text-focused pages, split between the data files and messages directly from Ken about the history of his career and this project, and these are formatted in the most amateurish way possible. Just massive walls of Arial text over either plain white backgrounds, simple gradients, or faded photos. I've seen school yearbooks with better graphic design. Even ignoring my subjective feelings about the art and stories within, this book does not feel like it's worth $36 USD.

It's frankly shocking how shabby he let this thing look considering it's supposed to be his baby. And doesn't that really sum it all up?

Closing thoughts

Obviously, I did not expect this to be any good. But I'm still left kind of dumbfounded by it.

I think what really strikes me about it is that Ken had a blank check to do whatever he wanted here. He got an opportunity many writers would kill for when he gained complete ownership of his most famous work. He's free from the limitations of a monthly licensed comic book for children, free to make whatever creative decisions he wants without editors or other writers or Sega to worry about, free to completely reinvent the series to his heart's content and finally tell the story of his dreams. And with that opportunity and 13 years of his time, he made... this. A direct continuation of "Mobius: 25 Years Later" that barely changes anything about the characters or world beyond their awful new designs, even though much of the word count is spent rambling about how the timeline has changed. A story that makes zero concessions for new readers, or even returning readers who don't already have the last decade's worth of Ken's tweets explaining his creative decisions burned into their memory. 30 pages where nothing really happens and the story barely moves forward an inch despite the decades-long wait - but maybe something will happen if you buy the next book!

Who is this for? Maybe this really is a project for no one but Ken. Maybe he just really, really wants to finish the story he started, a story that's personal to him due to the family history it evokes, and the number of people who enjoy it or buy it beyond that is irrelevant. I think that many of the best artists are incredibly self-indulgent ones working with that exact mindset, artists whose enthusiasm for their own work jumps off the page or screen. So, if that's the case, then why the fuck isn't he telling the damn story? What's stopping him? Why is he still spinning his wheels? Where is that passion for his own work? Because it sure as hell isn't there on the page. There's a huge part of me that really wishes I could say "Man, what a weirdo, but you do you, Ken. You tell your weird little story." But there's barely any story here. It's like he loves styling himself as a storyteller, but he's terrified of finally having to actually tell a story after all this time. He's still stuck in the exact same mode of writing he was in almost 30 years ago when he was doing 6-page backup stories about Knuckles, just killing time and stringing readers along until he's eventually able to truly realize his vision. If not now, then when, Ken?

Even the back cover blurb is mostly just a dry recap of the history of this thing. It was a Sonic comic, the original arc was published in these issues, it went unfinished, Ken left Archie, the lawsuits happened, now he's continuing the story. There's nothing about why anyone should give a shit about this as its own story, even though Ken has spent years trying in vain to convince people TLSC is its own beast that shouldn't be judged as a Sonic story. I think deep down he knows that there's no pitch for this beyond the novelty of it originating from Sonic. And that's why, despite declaring that he'd leave the site, he's still on Twitter riling up Sonic fans. It's the only attention he gets at this point.

Maybe this is too harsh when those 30 pages of new comics are just intended as a preview for the "real" book. But the elephant in the room is that we have no idea if that "real" book will ever actually come out, let alone the entire series of seven graphic novels that will supposedly complete this saga.

Ken is undeniably a complete jackass and all around unpleasant, vindictive person who's rightly become an industry pariah. He's a self-proclaimed paragon of progressive values who'll send Comicsgaters after his successors for the crime of not worshiping the ground he walks on, and then turn around and announce he's going to reprint their work without even consulting them. He's a sore winner who already won his copyright battle on a level most comic writers would never dare to dream of, and yet still won't truly be satisfied until he sees an entire major comic publisher go out of business, putting god knows how many people out of work, because he thinks this would get him back the license to a video game franchise he doesn't even like.

But I still have to pity him.

As an artist, the trajectory of his life is my nightmare. I think all of us fear dying before we can tell all the stories we want to tell. There's simply never enough time to do everything. And here's Ken in his 60s, talking about how he's still planning on making his magnum opus all by himself out of stubbornness and pride, despite demonstrably proving he can't handle the workload, and also talking about how if he dies before the project can be finished he'll have to pass the torch on to his kids and get them to finish it for him. It's so grim. Even just typing that sends a shiver down my spine. It took nine years of his limited time on Earth to finish and release an 11-page comic about Geoffrey St. John sitting backwards in a chair.

This is a purgatory of his own creation. And yet... I'm not sure he's ever been prouder. One must imagine Sisyphus happy.

I guess if I want people to take anything away from this review, it's this:

Lesson one: If you're an artist or writer of some kind, or an aspiring creator, don't wait around. No one else is going to tell your story for you. Start writing that novel. Start drawing that webcomic. Start making that game. If Penders can put out this damn book that no one asked for after 13 years of work, then proudly proclaim that he's still going to make six or seven more books and also reprint hundreds of comics he doesn't have all of the rights to, then show up to cons with that foul Lara-Su Chronicles: Shattered Tomorrows banner and sit in front of it beaming with pride, fully aware of his critics but saying "fuck 'em, I know I'm hot shit," then you can do fucking anything. Tell the weird, sincere, cringe story of your dreams. If Ken Penders doesn't have imposter syndrome, then nobody should.

And lesson two: Don't buy Ken's books.

[papaiyatree]

no not the fucking parallels someone should've warned me wth

[benkeibear]

『 Your Girlfriend 』

☼ synopsis: When Yuuji introduced his half brother to you, you didn't expect to end up between them the way you do but you're the last one to complain when you get to take Choso's virginity.

☼ characters: Choso, Yuuji

☼ wc: 4.2k

☼ cw: fem!reader, afab!reader, threesome, virgin Choso, fingering, oral (reader giving and receiving), consent checks, cum eating, creampie, soft aftercare, mentions of breaking Choso's heart at the end

☼ notes: oh me oh my I finally finished this. It's wayyy longer than expected hehe || Thank you @semisgroupie for beta reading this! @kentophilia @kenpachisbrat thank you for letting me write this in chat and for hyping me up! || Taglist

When Yuuji first told you that his brother would come to live with the both of you, you weren't too impressed given that your place wasn't very big. However, all doubts washed away the moment you met him - Choso.

The man was slightly older than your boyfriend but just as pleasant to be around. Sure, he looked a little intimidating at first, quite the opposite of the man you live with, but his warm personality made up for it tenfold. Reminding yourself that your apartment wasn't big, you finished setting up the couch in your living room, a two-room apartment not leaving much more options but it was fine for Choso, who was just grateful to have a roof over his head while he looked for a new home.

Seeing him sit there on the couch that now resembled a bed, you couldn't help but stifle a small laugh. He looked like a soggy kitten in a cardboard box, ready to be picked up and taken to a warm and loving home. Perhaps it was his quiet nature whenever you were around, the puppy dog eyes he gave you when you spoke to him, or the fleeting glances he gave whenever he thought you weren't looking. Whatever it was, you enjoyed his presence at home, while Yuuji was head over heels that his two favorite people got along so well.

"You know he has a crush on you, right?" Yuuji asked with a smirk, his voice just above a whisper as you two stood in the comically small kitchen while Choso got the living room ready for movie night.

Closing the oven in which a mouthwatering pizza slowly started to become golden-brown, you shot your boyfriend a glare, eyes wide and mouth pressed to a thin line.

"Don't say that!" You hushed back, unsure if it was because you didn't want Choso to hear a conversation about him or because of the weird feeling these news brought.

You shouldn't like the fact that another man wanted you, let alone the brother of your boyfriend. Yet somehow your heart skipped a little beat upon the thought of not just someone - but the sweet Choso - having a little schoolboy crush on you. It made you feel giddy in all the wrong places.

"Why not? He told me himself, "the pink-haired man laughed amused, not feeling threatened or worried in the slightest since he knew you were loyal to a fault.

All you could do was shake your head, laughing it off uncomfortably as you got the pizza out of the oven. It looked perfect, really. The crust was thick and crisp, while the cheese was the perfect mix of gooey and toasted, a beautiful golden color. The way you were desperately trying to think of anything but the man sitting in your living room seemed pathetic, even to yourself.

"And what's the point of this conversation?" You asked, feigning annoyance as one hand moved to rest on your hip.

"Don't know. Maybe we can give him what he wants..." Yuuji dragged his words to build anticipation before finally continuing his sentence, trying to look for any reaction on your face, "you." Yuuji stated boldly as a smirk grew on his lips.

Could he feel how the heat shot up to your cheeks, or perhaps he heard the smallest gasp - or was it the way your pupils dilated that gave you away?

"I- what?" You asked, clearly at a loss of words. Yuuji has always been stating how he'd never survive seeing you with another guy, which is why he never wanted to have a threesome, so what changed?

"You heard me." He chuckled and pulled you closer, a boyish grin spreading across his handsome face when you tried to look everywhere but at him.

"Only if that's what you want, of course," he stated, making sure that you knew no one would ever pressure you into anything you weren't entirely certain of. It took you a moment to answer, your mind and heart arguing with one another over what would be the right thing to do, but Yuuji's lips kissing down from your cheek to your neck ripped you out of that train of thought.

"I've seen the way you look at him... and he's a good guy. I trust him with my life," Yuuji whispered against the soft skin of your neck, eliciting goosebumps.

"Plus," he started and you felt the hot breath of a chuckle follow before his next words came out, "He's a virgin."

You didn't mean for your eyes to lock with your boyfriends with such a hungry look in them, but your body reacted before your brain did and the pink-haired man could only laugh as a response before pecking your lips.

"I'll take that as a yes then?" He asked amused and grabbed the little pizza cutter, laughing to himself at how angry you were at him when he cut the pizza with a scissor last time.

"And you're sure that you want that? I wouldn't want you to see me as a cheater or... leave me over it." Your last words came out as a mumble, the fear eating away at your insides, but Yuuji was quick to react.

"I was the one who suggested it!" He quickly reassured you, the pizza cutter hitting the kitchen counter with a loud bang since he just dropped it mid-movement.

"We don't have to do this if you're not entirely sure, I would never pressure you or think any less if you say yes," he continued and a kiss on your forehead followed right after.

You were looking for reassurance in his gaze and he simply smiled at you with that sweet smile of his, a tiny dimple forming on each of his cheeks as his eyes grew soft. There was no malicious intent behind his offer, only sincerity without any sort of resentment or judgement.

"Yes. I think we could make him feel good," you whispered quite shy before hiding your face in the chest of your boyfriend, laughing to yourself as you shook your head slightly. It looks like you'd be sleeping with your boyfriend's brother tonight.

Neither Yuuji nor you brought the topic up during dinner, so you three were just devouring this pizza that looked far too delicious for its own good while watching a movie Choso picked. To be honest, you barely paid attention to the movie, your mind was busy with the thoughts of what would happen, unsure how to even initiate anything of that sort.

Hey Choso, wanna fuck me while your brother, my boyfriend, watches? you thought to yourself, your heart beating faster at the thought of Choso's reaction, but Yuuji saw the way your mind was racing with at least 100 miles per hour.

A single look from your lover was enough to calm you down, it screamed I got this, don't worry and you trusted his intuition, trying to even your breath and sort your thoughts. Still a little nervous, your boyfriend pulled you onto his lap, a stupid grin planted on his face when he rested his forehead against yours.

"Yes?" He whispered, giving you a chance to back out before anything starts, but you just nodded softly before his lips melted against yours in a passionate kiss.

The world around you slowed down before it stopped turning, your surroundings slowly disappearing as you closed your eyes and let yourself fall fully into the kiss. As your tongues were dancing, you entirely drowned out the fact that Choso was still sitting on the other end of the couch, as stiff as a board.

He tried, he really did try not to look over at you two making out, but it got increasingly harder when you whimpered into the kiss shortly after Yuujis hand slipped under your shirt. As a last ditch effort, the black-haired man cleared his throat, only for the both of you to whip your head in the direction of the noise - lips swollen from the kissing and your eyes glossed over with pleasure.

"W-would you mind taking that to your bedroom?" He asked almost shy, not wanting to sit around awkwardly while his brother pretty much fucked his girlfriend right next to him.

Yuuji gave you a knowing look before turning back to Choso while lifting your shirt over your head to leave you more vulnerable than before in just your pretty bra. You heard the way Choso gulped and averted his gaze, and your boyfriend spoke up to break the silence.

"Or you could join us?" He simply offered as one of his hands slowly raked up your ribcage, a needy look of yours now directed at Choso, who didn't know if this was a wet dream or reality.

"What?" His voice cracked, making it sound comically high pitched followed by a giggle of yours at how flustered he was.

"Can I kiss you?" You asked quite bold, trying to ignore the butterflies doing cartwheels in your stomach.

Choso could only nod in response, too scared this is just a prank you two are trying to pull off, so he embarrasses himself in front of you, but before he knew it, you were sitting on his lap with that honeyed smile of yours so close to his own face.

"I heard that you like me." Your voice traveled across his spine and caused every hair on his body to raise and he only nodded once again.

"Can you tell me if this is what you want? To make out with me?" You asked, guilt slowly forming in your chest because he was so unresponsive and resembled a deer in headlights more than a man who wanted to be with you.

"Is this okay? Can I... really?" He asked with a raspy voice, overflowing with insecurity.

Unsure of how to actually make him feel more secure, you placed his hands on your bare sides, a sweet smile on your lips as you kissed the corner of his lips.

"I can be all yours tonight, if that's what you want." Your words gave him the green light and that was all he needed to kiss you.

His kisses were much more gentle than his brothers, a lot less possessive and his hands held onto you like a ghosts, worried that you'd crumble if he actually held onto your curves. You simply let Choso explore the territory, not plunging your tongue into his mouth and forcing something when instead this was so soft and sweet. Your body shuddered when a second pair of hands started touching you, opening up your bra before raking down your spine, just to see you shudder again. Yuuji wanted to help you two move things forward but left it to you to take your bra off, which you did without hesitation prior to moving Choso's hands further up your body so they were now resting on your chest.

The black-haired man immediately started to grope the supple flesh of your tits, his tongue finally slipping past your lips to caress yours with a newfound confidence - A confidence you could clearly feel between his legs. You couldn't stop yourself from grinding into the bulge that formed in his pants, mewling sweetly when he gently played with your nipples.

You could feel your own slick starting to soil your panties, making them stick against your hot skin, so you carefully pushed Choso against the backrest of the couch, the both of you panting heavily.

"Looks like you made her want more," Yuuji teased his older brother as he helped you shimmy out of your pants, desperately trying to get rid of any layer that separated your wet cunt from him.

"Show him how wet you are, flower." Your boyfriend made you bend over to show your slick folds to his brother, a single digit of the younger man gliding through your folds, which made you gasp in surprise and pleasure.

"More," you begged when his finger left your needy cunt just as quick as it appeared, resulting in a sweet chuckle of his. He won't ever deny you your pleasure, but Choso was the one the spotlight was on tonight.

"I'll play a little with your pussy and you show him how good you can use your mouth," Yuuji mused and made you stand on all fours on the floor, your face resting on Choso's thigh, who eagerly pushed his pants down just enough to free his hard cock. Just as promised, you felt two slender fingers slip into your dripping wet entrance the moment you started drooling all over Choso's cock. It was a little longer than Yuuji’s but nowhere near as girthy. Your tongue darted out eagerly to lick from his balls to his tip before your lips wrapped around him and your head sunk down all the way.

Choso had to grip the cushions of the couch he was seated on the second your nose touched the stubble on his groin. "F-fuck, slow down, please,” the man begged for mercy, his virgin cock not used to pleasure provided by anything but his own hands or pillow, but his plea was met with a needy moan from you as Yuuji started to massage your sweet spot with his fingers. A shit-eating grin was all the black-haired man saw when he looked at Yuuji for help.

“Play nice, you're his first,” Yuuji reminded you with a chuckle, ignoring the way his own dick ached for a crumb of your attention, but he patiently waited for his turn.

With a frown you pulled away and gently kissed the pink tip of Choso's cock and swirled your tongue over it until his head fell onto the backrest, the sweetest moans filling the room alongside the squelching noises of your pussy. It was a sight you could certainly get used to, although you shouldn't even think about doing this again - especially not with your boyfriend's brother.

“Can I ride you?” You eventually ask boldly, craving to have him inside of you and it seemed like the feeling was mutual with the way his cock twitched at just the thought.

Your boyfriend slowly pulled his fingers from your core only to clean them with his tongue, caramel eyes looking right at yours as he did so, making the situation so much more intimate as you slowly climbed on top of the other man. Calloused hands were holding onto your hips with an iron grip and you could feel them tremble ever so slightly, which made you hesitate to sink down on him.

“Changed your mind?” You asked with a voice like honey, your soft lips kissing any trace of worry and insecurity away while making him feel like a god beneath your caress.

His hand reached down to line the bulbous tip up with your awaiting entrance, slowly guiding you down by the hips until you were fully seated on his cock. It felt so wrong but also just so divine to have another cock inside of you while your boyfriend slowly palmed himself through the fabric of his underwear as he watched your thighs shake and your lungs eagerly gasp for air. Your arms were slung around the man's neck, pulling him into your chest while you tried to regain your composure, but the size of him made it almost impossible for you to breathe, certain that he would bruise your cervix if he would thrust into you now, but you needed it, needed him to move. Choso, however, guided your hips, barely letting you bounce on top of him since he was close to bursting the moment you enveloped his cock with your tight heat.

“Don't you dare to cum inside. That's my girl,” Yuuji threatened his brother. Sure, he said he'd share, but the thought of another man filling you up and claiming you in that way made the jealousy bubble up. This was a side of your boyfriend you never even knew of because he wasn't the jealous type, but even the pure-hearted Yuuji had boundaries that shouldn't be crossed, which both of you respected - or at least tried to respect.

Choso carefully moved without ever pulling out to lay you on the couch. The image of you beneath him was a fantasy he fucked his hand to so many nights before and now it was reality, his hips mercilessly jerking against yours and his thrusts growing even sloppier than before. Long hair cascaded down to frame his face, but the moment you felt him twitch, you pushed against his chest, trying to get him out of the trance of fucking into you like an animal that was chasing his own high. It was almost too late - thick ropes of hot cum spurting right onto your cunt, coating your folds in ivory as some of it slowly slipped inside. It shouldn't have made you whimper like a bitch in heat, but the noise escaped your throat before you even realized it - and once you did, you were almost too embarrassed, perhaps a little scared to look at your boyfriend. Yuuji, however, chuckled at how quickly his brother came, caressing your cheek ever so gently despite the thin layer of sweat that slowly formed on your skin.

"You've done so well, flower. Do you think he should clean up the mess he made of my cute girlfriend?” He asked sickenly sweet, but a glare was set towards his brother, who looked completely fucked out with his hair disheveled and eyes half closed in pure bliss. Of course you nodded, loving the thought of another man licking up the mess he made of your cunt so your boyfriend could claim you properly. Choso barely registered the hand on the back of his head when he was pushed down between your thighs, instinctively lapping at your core and whimpering at the taste of your mixed fluids. It should disgust him, having his own cum on his tongue, but it tasted almost good mixed with your sweet nectar - and the fact that he got to eat out the woman of his dreams made his head spin and his arms hooked over your legs to bury his face further in your cunt. The man was skilled with his tongue despite it being his first time, he read your body language and the moment his cum was lapped up, he focused on the little nub, his tongue flicking your clit relentlessly until your hips bucked against his face helplessly.

“Enough” Yuuji moaned, his cock leaking precum as his hand wasn't good enough anymore. All your whines and moans made him lose his mind, so he urged his brother off of you to flip you around.

"Hmm, yes please, Yuu,” you moaned softly, begging for your boyfriend to finally have his turn with you. Your head was now resting on Choso’s trained thighs when Yuuji sunk into you, the stretch it provided had you spiraling towards your orgasm already.

The pace your lover set was relentless, hunger and the need to make sure you remember who you're with driving him as he pounded into you. Your entire body jolted with each thrust and you started to moan loudly, his name falling from your lips like a lewd prayer and your hands pawed at Choso’s thighs. The man was so spent after just one round, so he gently played with your hair while his younger brother made sure that his name is the only thing you remember at the end of this night. But his cock wanted more, slowly growing hard again and twitching against your face.

“Look at him. Show him your pretty face." Yuuji cooed and you did as you were told, teary eyes looking at your boyfriend's brother, some of his pre cum sticking to your cheek and glistening in the dim light. Both men were mesmerized by you as your orgasm washed over you, your body squirming and your head fell back into Choso’s lap, who used the opportunity to try to get you to suck him off again, addicted to the pleasure you provided.

Your entire world slowly faded away when your mouth sunk down onto Choso's pretty cock once again and in that moment you swore that nothing existed but the three of you, time passing in slow motion as the older brother thrust his hips upwards just in time with Yuuji's thrusts. It was animalistic, the sounds both men let out upon burying themselves inside of you entirely over and over again while all you could do was whine and moan pretty around the elders dick. His balls were coated in your saliva, but neither of you seemed to care when the pleasure your mouth provided drowned out everything else.

"Gonna swallow for him, yeah?" Yuuji asked breathless, the pace of his hips faltering for a moment - just long enough for you to make a sound of approval before his one hand moved from your hip to your bundle of nerves.

Rhythmic thrusts slowly turned sloppy as your boyfriend crumbled above you, which only pushed you further down onto his brother's cock, who was overwhelmed by the tightness of your throat enveloping his cock so perfectly. You helplessly moaned around him when his shaft twitched against your tongue, heavy balls contracting as his seed spurted down your throat, giving you no chance to taste him or show him what a good girl you are by savoring every bit on your tongue before swallowing it all. The sensation brought you to the brink of tears just as the pressure of your lover's hand against your clit got more intense. You could feel the warmth spreading inside your core - hot cum painting your insides as your boyfriend released deep inside of you. The feeling of being filled up on both ends sent you over the edge, your hips moving wildly against Yuuji and his hand, a mind numbing orgasm possessing your body as your back arched so beautifully.

Heavy breathing was the only thing to be heard in the living room for a few minutes. The credits of the movie that has been long forgotten were running on the screen, illuminating the three of you in a gentle light before you pressed the smallest of kisses against Choso's abs and hip bones. It was a small action, almost silly, but it was his first time and you wanted him to feel good, to feel at least somewhat special and adored. And you did adore him, a lot actually, but you would never have the same range of feelings for him as you do for his brother, which he was painfully aware of when Yuuji carried you to the bathroom when the older sibling could only follow like a lost little puppy - only to end up locked out of the bathroom.

"She just wants me to take care of her now, comfort her and all that," Yuuji explained through the closed door, hoping that his brother would understand. While you still cared a lot for him, wanted him, craved him, he would never be your number one. It was a fact he would have to get used to if he wanted to keep you in his life, if he wanted a chance to get at least a sliver of your love and if he wanted your body to make love to him once again. Even if he would never have you to himself, it was okay - at least he got to have you somehow.

As Choso sat in the living room, trying to sort his emotions, you were soaking in the tub, a gentle washcloth in Yuuji's hand washing away sweat and other filth from your soft skin. It was a nice feeling after what you've just done, making you feel loved and cared for.

"You did so well, flower." Yuuji's voice was gentle and filled with adoration for you.

Before you closed your eyes to relax further into his tender care, you kissed the palm of the hand that held the washcloth, a sweet smile on your lips when you looked up at your boyfriend. There was no doubt in your feelings for him, yet the guilt was eating you up from the inside.

"We should also take care of him. It's not right to leave him hanging like this when it was his first time," you mumbled, the weight of your heart weighing heavy at the thought of Choso sitting on the couch, still shirtless and sunken into himself with an aching heart. "Especially not when we both know there was more than lust involved for him." You continued, not wanting to feed into his little crush and build hope where there was none and Yuuji agreed, not having thought about that, perhaps, his brother craved some aftercare too.

"I guess you'll have to hold the both of us tonight," he hummed with a gentle smile, not minding to share his bed and you with his brother, but in the morning the three of you would need to sit down and break his heart in the most gentle way possible.

Networks: @pixelcafe-network @interstellar-inn @houseofsolisoccasum

[bitchimasnake-sss]

from me to you ft. roronoa zoro!

set-up: anon asked me to write angst :) 32 year zoro had lost you two years ago. but when he finds himself back in time, face to face with a 22 year old and and alive you, what will he do?

warnings: none, just some good ole angst; not proofread at all :/

"how did you get that scar then?" chopper asked, tracing another deep scar on the older man's shoulder.

"i was fighting a warlord." the older zoro shrugged, finding comfort in the way the young reindeer marvelled at his story.

"did you win then?" ussop asked next.

the younger version of the swordsman cut in, "ofcourse he did. he's me."

"not to credit you," the older version bickered, "but yes ofcourse, i did win."

"what do you mean 'not to credit you'. i am the reason you even got to that point-"

"yes but you didn't fight the warlord, i did."

"I AM YOU-"

"oh my god, stop bickering with yourself" nami groaned, "when will the rest be back? im growing so tired of looking after you children."

"i am a decade older than you." the older swordsman answered back.

the rest of the crew was out exploring the port town where the sunny was docked. it was about to be sun-down and the two zoros, nami, ussop and chopper waited for the others to return back.

hours passed and the older man had found himself walking around the ship, reminiscing in the old times. somehow, for someone as much of a shitty memory as him, he could recall every stain, every dent. he could recall every place ussop fucked up or luffy damaged or you-

you. you. you.

and now he could hear footsteps on the deck. more importantly, he could hear you. so, his feet moved to their own accord. he navigated through the ship easily, muscle memory taking ahold of his body. taking him to the deck, taking him to you.

the older swordsman stepped out onto the happening deck and there you were.

you - along with the rest of the crew - turned your attention to the green-haired man that had materialized on the deck. and then, the entire crew erupted into chaos. the younger version of luffy comically looked from one zoro to another, sanji stood with his mouth wide apart and robin looked slightly alarmed.

but none of that mattered.

none of them were you.

the twenty-two year old version of you was looking at the older man, mildly amused. you giggled and then poked nami, saying something along the lines of "he looks like a dilf" or something. but the older man didn't care, or more so he couldn't.

it was night yet he could point out every wayward freckle across your cheek. you shivered and he held back from giving you his kimono. you walked over to his younger version and that green-haired boy pressed a kiss to your forehead the same way he wanted to.

you were there.

in flesh and blood, you were there.

and maybe that's why he turned his back on you and walked into that old cabin of his. maybe that's why he locked the door and slumped against the wood with a heavy sigh. maybe that's why he covered his eyes with his palm and tried to blink the tears away.

you were gone. you had been, for the past two years. and he had learnt to live with that absence. learnt to swallow down any memories of you that came creeping up like bile. learnt to only smile in his dreams when he saw you again.

shouldn't he be happy he saw you again? shouldn't he be glad you smiled at him again? he should be, right?

then why wasn't he? why did it hurt him more to see you laughing that it did when he saw your cold corpse?

"uhm-" your voice called from outside, unsure, "zo- zoro? are you in there?"

he pressed his palm flatter against his eyes and sighed, "i'll be out in a minute, please wait"

"are you okay?" you asked softly and when he didn't reply, you asked again, "can i come in?"

wordlessly, he turned around and opened the door. and wordlessly, you crashed against him, hugging the older man.

letting go of whatever restraints he had, he held you against him tightly. he closed his eyes, relishing in the way your warmth felt against him, the way your cheek was resting against his chest, the way your tresses tickled his skin.

"you looked like you could use a hug." you mumbled against him, "it must be insane, to go through this time travel thing right?"

but the older man just pursed his lips tighter, trying to hold onto the love of his life as long as he could. he tried to fight off the welling tears as you let go of him and looked up at him.

"you smell nice. looks like you're actualy showering huh?" you laughed, "and i can't believe you got even more tall. i look like a child in front of you!"

zoro smiled despite himself, "hate to break it to ya, but you stay this size your entire life."

"what?! no!" you laughed again in disbelief, "really??"

he just nodded and you hit his chest playfully. then you said, "well i have so many questions for you. should i ask? please please pl-"

"anything for you." he replied mindlessly.

"look at you, such a romantic. your younger version could learn a thing or two." you paused, "my future version must be really happy with you, huh- wait, we're still together right?"

zoro was silenced. then, he put on a smile, "yeah, we are. and i guess she's pretty happy."

"are you?"

it was a simple question and yet, zoro felt like his being was set ablaze by just those two words. though his mouth felt like it was full of tar, he managed to say, "yeah, more or less"

you cocked an eyebrow, "you know you're a terrible liar."

"i-" he gave you a tired smile, "things have just been hard for the past few years, that's all."

"oh," you gave him a nudge, "but as long you've got me, things will be okay, yeah?"

he scoffed, as if rejecting your suggestion. you met the older man's gaze with confusion, as if asking him if you said something wrong.

his eyes softened, voice barely audible. he asked you, "and what if i lost you?"

"dumbass, you can never lose me. i'm with you, always."

"what if?"

"then..." you pondered for a second. finally, you raised your wrist to the green-haired swordsman's eyelevel. the silver charm bracelet shone dimly in the lit room. you shook your wrist and the soft melody of the charms filled the room, "you can keep this, to remember me."

zoro's gaze was transfixed on the charm bracelet, his eye catching each miniscule metallic movement, "you- you lost this bracelet."

"i did?" you tilted your head.

"i mean- in a couple years you will. we had docked on a summer island and you lost it while exploring the town."

you watched the way the man stared at your wrists and you made your decision, "take it."

"but it's your favourite jewelry-"

"well, if i'm gonna lose it anyways-" you took off the bracelet with little trouble, "then i think you should keep it."

you gave him another smile, delicately placing the dainty bracelet in his calloused palm, "maybe you can give it back to my future self when you're back in the present. i am sure she'd like the surprise of having it back."

before zoro could protest, his younger version barged into the cabin. the younger boy hissed at the older man, "give me back my girlfriend, oldy."

the older man didn't ignore the way you laughed. you took languid steps to reach the younger boy and then you melted in his arm as you laughed.

he loved you then, he loved you now. he knows he would love you beyond this.

and that's all that matters.

roronoa zoro, aged 32, had disappeared for three days. he refused to tell anyone where he had gone. but when he returned, he sported a new chain round his neck with old charms. nobody on the crew bought the chain up, they didn't need to.

because for the first time in two years, the swordsman could crack open a smile when he greeted them.

and that's all that mattered.

💗a/n: definitely gonna be posting sanji's part as soon as im done with it! sanji's part

[edwin-paynes-bowtie]

Do you think there is a way to ethically watch Sandman and Good Omens? What about Dead Boy Detectives?

Andddd this was why I originally turned off anons. I knew this was coming eventually, but I guess I'll respond just this once so everyone knows where I stand.

I don't love that I feel the need to disclose this, but I have personally experienced grooming and sexual assault in the past. So this post is coming from someone who has Been There and understands the importance of supporting victims. I also love all of the efforts NG-related fandoms have been putting into raising money for sexual assault charities. It's wonderful to see people rallying behind the survivors and supporting them so vocally.

- DEAD BOY DETECTIVES: NOT A GAIMAN WORK

I do not think that there is a world where Dead Boy Detectives would be unethical to stream. It has virtually nothing to do with Neil Gaiman, by his own admission, and is the brain-child of Steve Yockey.

Besides the first chapter where Charles and Edwin were introduced (with no development), he didn't even write the comics! Several artists did, including Toby Litt and Mark Buckingham - whose run the show is based on and who the sprites are named after.

Yockey was the sole person to pitch DBDA to Warner Brothers. Gaiman did not do that.

Streaming Dead Boy Detectives primarily supports its writers, cast, and crew - Gaiman, who only wrote 2 scenes, is getting essentially nothing in terms of royalties.

Someone on Twitter did a really good job of unpacking why Dead Boy Detectives shouldn't be lumped in with Gaiman stuff - I'll link it here.

But this leads me to the next section.

- HANDLING GOOD OMENS AND SANDMAN

I think that there are a lot of valid reactions to the way people handle the consumption of Gaiman's shows after what he has done.

Some people are going to be unable to stomach anything he has written, and that is okay. Others whose lives have been massively impacted by his work aren't going to be able to let go since - and I know people like to deny this, but it's true - the art you love more than love itself is going to have a serious material impact on your personality.

Both of these approaches are alright! The only incorrect approach is to harass those who disagree with your personal choices.

It also is, in my opinion, Bad to give Gaiman money. Purchasing his books and buying Good Omens official merch puts cash in his pocket.

Streaming the shows, though, is a little more nuanced to me.

I'm going to use Good Omens as an example here. I personally will not be continuing with Good Omens. It gives me a Yucky Feeling. I may one day change my mind and stream a pirated version, but I don't think so.

However, I don't think Sheen and Tenant's fans are wrong to stream it in support of the actors who have brought their favourite characters to life.

But this leads me into my next point, and the point that will probably get me Canceled.

- THE IMPACT OF SHOWS ON PEOPLE

The way that people handle their favourite shows post-allegations is going to depend on the impact that the show had on their life.

I like Good Omens. It's a fun show. I enjoyed it while watching it, and think (see: thought) positively of it. But it had no real deep impact on my life - it's not part of me. When I look at Good Omens now, I see Gaiman's work above the finished product. It puts a sour taste in my mouth.

But in a hypothetical world, if Dead Boy Detectives were a Gaiman production? I have the self-awareness to know that I probably would still stream it to support the cast and crew. I am attached enough to it that I think I would divorce it entirely from Gaiman (if he were the creator, which he is not.) My point is that other people who are still streaming Sandman and GO probably don't look at it and see Gaiman. They see something that they have absorbed into themselves.

The part that's going to get me canceled is that if George cameos in Sandman, I will stream that one (1) episode to support George Rexstrew (Edwin Payne's actor). This is because Edwin has had a material impact on my life (hilariously, because I am a sexual violence survivor who did not get justice, and Edwin did not get justice for his murder and fights for that.) I feel that Edwin is part of me and my life, because Edwin (and George's work as Edwin) has made me feel less alone.

A lot of people feel that way about Crowley and Aziraphale.

I think that asking people to ditch a show, characters, and performers that have had a deep impact on their lives is unfair to them. Like, yes, Neil Gaiman is a bag of shit! Anyone who defends him is also a bag of shit! But I don't think that it's fair to stop people from supporting works that have had big material impacts on their own lives.

- HOW TO PROCEED

TL;DR

My personal ideal outcome here would be:

Wrap up Good Omens with the 90-minute movie and nothing else.

Wrap up Sandman with season 2, and do not renew.

Revive Dead Boy Detectives WITH THE CAVEAT that Gaiman gets his name removed from it, even if he currently isn't making much money off it. Take the Sandman characters and references from DBDA and let it become its own standalone thing.

Cancel all future Gaiman productions and never hire him to work on television or anything else again.

Let Gaiman's career die entirely and let him fade into obscurity.

Arrest Gaiman, which will never happen but it should.

I think people should:

Stop giving Neil Gaiman money through books or merch.

Make their own decisions about whether or not to officially stream the shows in support of the actors and crew members who have worked hard on it.

Not harass anyone for either their decision to stream the show, not stream the show, or stream a pirated version of the show.

Engage as much as they want with fandom and fanworks, as they are divorced from the source material's creator.

Vocally speak up against Neil Gaiman. Amplify the voices of the survivors, and don't let fear for the future of your show get in the way of that. At the end of the day, real women were put through the most traumatic and horrifying experience of their lives, and that's what matters most.

[parfaitblogs]

waiting room ❀ s. reid x reader

in which he breaks up with you, and your life slowly falls apart. so obviously you should see him?

pairing: ex!spencer reid x reader genre: angst tags: implied alcohol reliance? lots of nothing happening not even a gun to my head could get me to write action... do not read if emotionally stable because i sure wasn't when i wrote this. word count: 1.9k a/n: i never write in second person so if there's a cheeky she her they them somewhere in this ignore it!!! i do not know what i am doing!!! probably not proofread enough. also no happy ending i hate those let the people cry i say! i haven't posted my writing in like three years be nice...

also posted here on my ao3 !

"Hey."

"Hi."

Awkward silence. Horribly awkward silence.

Your eyes darting around a bar that you found all too familiar, with decor that you could paint on a canvas with your eyes closed, and such a distinct smell that you could imagine it from miles away. You didn't think you'd ever forget the way the air moved in this bar, or the sound of the same three bands singing every Friday night on repeat. You knew all the words to their songs by now. And the bartender knew your name, embarrassingly so. 

And even over the sound of patrons talking, and the clinking of glasses and every other overwhelming sound that drove you crazy, you felt like you could hear your heartbeat slamming against your chest. Your lips chapped, never wetting no matter how many times you produced the saliva in your otherwise dry mouth to lick them. Hands wrapped around an ice cold glass that did nothing but numb some part of your body, to accompany the numb feeling in your chest. 

You looked better than you felt, but he was knocking both parts of you out of the park. Maybe that's why your mouth was so dry. You'd tell yourself that it is, at least. He's too attractive to talk to. But you could talk to him. You did talk to him. All the time. About everything, and nothing. Because that's what you two did. 

And yet; the awkward silence. 

He cleared his throat, and it prompted you to take a sip of your drink, mixed alcohol falling down your throat and leaving a burn that shouldn't comfort you, but did. You didn't pull a face at the taste of it the way you used to, and you found yourself wishing that part of you that you despised was back. 

Maybe he would tease you for it again.

"How's work?"

The words felt foreign on your lips. It wasn't really what you wanted to ask him, but every inquiry you had died on your tongue before you could ask them, nothing feeling good enough. 

"It's good," he answered, eyes studying you in a way that made you want to shrink into nothingness. 

"That's good," you said, and you saw the small twitch of his lips — brief, before they fell back into their natural downturned shape. 

It was almost comical how much silence sat between you two. Two people who would talk until people around them were groaning and regretting asking them a question, falling silent in the presence of one another. 

He cleared his throat again. Maybe you should offer him some water, but then you realised this wasn't your house and he was fully capable of getting his own water. And everything else in the world.

"How's work for you?"

"It's good," you answered, half-heartedly, because you really didn't know. You hadn't been in months. 

You didn't really realise a breakup would affect you this much. You had always been good. Good at putting emotional turmoil on pause for your busy life. You never considered the possibility of putting your busy life on pause for emotional turmoil. 

But then Spencer Reid left you. You never considered the possibility of that happening either, until it did. 

"Is it?" he asked, and you watched his body shift slightly in his seat, almost leaning closer to you. 

And unfortunately, you can only pretend in front of the man across from you for so long. "No," you said.

"Why not?" 

"I'm not going." Your voice was embarrassingly quiet, but you knew he heard you, because his eyebrows furrowed ever so slightly, and his lips parted for a second. It made you want to take the words back; to lie again. "I got laid off a week ago."

He slowly nodded his head in recognition — that would explain your sudden request to meet. "I'm sorry."

You could imagine a million things you knew he'd be saying the words for, but not one part of you really believed it for any of them. So you only nodded your head, gaze dropping from him to the glass in front of you, the paper straw disintegrating in the liquid — something you weren't used to; you would finish drinks too quickly for that to happen. 

You didn't come here to mope. You do that every other Friday night. You didn't need to do that tonight, when the man you were spending your nights sobbing and your mornings numb over was right there with you.

"How's your mom?" you ask instead, lifting your head back up, and you watched his Adam's apple bob as he swallowed. 

"She's okay. Same as usual," he said, and you nodded your head. Short answers seemed to be the only thing you guys knew how to do. "How's yours?"

"Good," you answer, because the question doesn't really have the same weight as it did when you asked him; he only did it to be courteous. "She misses having you over."

That brought a small smile to his face. "I miss being over."

You can come back, you want to say, but you know that isn't true. 

You don't know how much longer you two sit in silence before he breaks it with a sigh that, if you didn't know better, you'd think was irritated. But it wasn't; simply exhausted. 

"Why did you want to meet me?" he finally asked, and your lips parted, before shutting again, because you're not too sure the answer is something you're allowed to say aloud. 

You say it anyway.

"I missed you."

You watched his facial features soften, his shoulders relaxing slightly, and that only seemed to bring more nervous energy to you. 

"You shouldn't," he said, and if your heart had anything left for him, it probably would have cracked again. 

You knew that you shouldn't. You had told yourself to get over it a thousand times before. Your go-to mantra was grow up. But you couldn't. Your brain wouldn't let it go and your eyes could just never stay dry for long enough to think it's finally over. It was almost pathetic. 

You swallowed the lump in your throat, nodding your head, slowly, and you were pretty sure tears were welling in your eyes, which felt even more pathetic in front of him. 

"I'm sorry."

This time it was you to apologise, and you knew he didn't believe your apology either. Not when you didn't even know what you were apologising for. Missing him, meeting him here, ever even dating him in the first place.

"It's okay," he said, instead, and you watched him exhale shakily, his lips rubbing against each other — usually a telltale sign he didn't want to be wherever he was any longer. That broke your heart too. 

Words died in your throat as you abruptly stood up, the stool you were perched atop wobbling slightly with your sudden movements. 

You stared at him for another moment, committing his face to memory, before you nodded your head to him in acknowledgement, pocketing your phone. You forced a smile, and left. 

Maybe not the best move you've ever done in your life. Not the move you wanted to do. But certainly the smartest. 

Because the second the cool, early fall air hit your skin, so did your tears, and you found that even ordering an Uber was difficult through blurry vision. So you decided to walk. Walk where, you didn't know. Away from the bar. Through the people-filled square; people as drunk as you wished to be, people out with friends and partner's, to have fun. People having a much better night than you, clearly. 

You heard your name. And something in you screamed to not turn around, to not give in to the caller. Probably the logical part of your brain. But your heart ignored it, and you halted in your tracks, turning to see him walking towards you, eyebrows furrowed in so much concern you think you'd crack further than you already have. Maybe if you split yourself down the middle it would finally stop hurting. 

"I miss you too."

Four simple words that could be heard even over the mixed songs playing from the clubs around you, even over the beeping cars and the chattering people. 

"Please don't lie to make me feel better," you croak, and you're acutely aware of the tears on your cheeks. 

"I'm not lying," he breathed out, and you were far enough away from his body to see his hand twitch. For whatever reason you didn't know. "Sweetheart, you're breaking my heart, here."

Oh.

You swallowed down a sob, swiping another set of falling tears before they could get too far down your cheeks.

"Spencer, please," you said, so desperately that you wanted to shoot yourself. "I shouldn't have asked you to meet."

"No, you shouldn't have," he agreed, and your heart stuttered in your chest, because he was telling you things you shouldn't do. Again. "Not that I—" he cut himself off with a sigh; frustrated, this time. "Not that I didn't want to see you, because I did. You're the only person I want to see recently. But I was getting better, and I know I've ruined all that by being here with you tonight."

I was getting better. The words echoed over and over in your brain. If he was just as bad as you were, maybe it would make this easier. Maybe you aren't as pathetic. 

"I hate this," you settled on, fidgeting awkwardly with your fingers. 

He didn't respond for a few too many moments, and it had you wanting to take back your words. He rubbed his eyes with another sigh. 

"I'm not going back on my decision," he said, and you didn't need to ask what decision; you had an idea, and your stomach twisted uncomfortably. 

But you did anyways. "Which decision?"

"Breaking up with you."

You were silent for a few moments too. "I'm not asking you to—"

"—No, but you want me to," he cuts you off. "And I'm telling you I won't. You know why I did it. That trumps whatever feelings I have for you."

Have.

"I don't know why," you said, shakily. You did. He gave you a reason, and if you had to explain the breakup to someone, you could tell them why. But the ongoing conflict in your brain confused you anyways. 

"Yes you do," he answered, his jaw tensing. When you shook your head, and went to respond, he cut you off, stepping closer. "I can afford to lose you. I can't afford for the world to."

He had said something similar the day he left. Something about a fear of you dying. Something you had tried to reassure him of, failing to do so clearly. 

"What about me?" your voice cracked and you cursed it.

"It will get better."

You could've cried all over again, in the middle of the square. Everything always for the better. Never for the right now, for the things you both wanted. But for the everlasting fear Spencer had in his brain, that you didn't know how to help. 

"Apparently," you replied, sniffling as you took a step away from him. "I think I should go."

If he wanted to protest, he didn't show it. He simply nodded his head, lips parting in a silent exhale. 

And so you did, with wet cheeks, and a quiet, "Goodbye, Spencer."

loml (part 2) ♡

your reblogs and replies are always appreciated dearly ♡

[utilitycaster]

Hi, would just like to say thank you for writing up so much meta on campaign 3, it is keeping me sane seeing similar thoughts to what I’ve had written down coherently.

The last couple asks you’ve answered have got me thinking about how campaign 3 ended up like this (indecisive characters, weird nonsensical themes, only setpieces and maybe a ship or two being memorable) and I remember hearing that c3 was described by Matt as ”Pulpy” and I keep coming back to that and thinking that there was never even meant to be a big decision. From what I’ve read of old pulp fiction dnd novels it's pretty much “here’s the big bad go defeat/seal/slap them on the wrist, have fun on the way there with several cool setpieces and romance!” and I wonder if there was even meant to be a god debate at all or if it was just picked up in the middle of the story by the cast. It could explain why the characters wouldn't fit the story if this wasn’t meant to be the story.

Cause a character who goes with the flow is fine in those books and a character who only looks into what is thrust upon them works, but it feels like somewhere it tried to be more and just fell apart.

Because even now the story does feel pulpy but just held down by a narrative it isn’t handling well. 119 was a great episode and having the Raven Queen show up in the middle to give boons is an incredibly cool beat that would be memorable as hell but for it to end up as another god debate just sucks. But the rest of the campaign sort of does that with cool beats that end up dragged down in one way or another so its not unique I guess

I know you talked about the “pulpy”ness of c3 a while ago and was wondering if you had more thoughts now that we’re in the endgame for the campaign

I do - this is all rather speculative but in some discussions with other people one possible explanation that's come up is that Matt genuinely didn't expect the characters to be so hesitant to save the gods or stop Ludinus or sympathize with the the Vanguard, and has kind of pivoted to make a campaign that accomodates those doubts...but in doing so sort of fucked his end premise of "we must deal with Predathos". Which, you know, makes a lot of sense! What if Hearthdell was intended as a glimpse into why people might join something like the Vanguard to introduce an element of complexity to a party that (quite reasonably I might add) had said "these people are a fucking scourge on Exandria" but instead served to fan the flames of "well the gods didn't give me things when I asked so yeah we should let them be eaten"? What if the fetch quests to the Shattered Teeth or the scouting mission were like the quest for vestiges - something that the party desperately wished to do to achieve a deeply felt goal - and not something they had to be nudged along to do every step of the way? What if the party went into the final confrontation with any consensus or intention? Because then yeah a pulpier "you're taking on the Big Bad Ultimate Threat...but your MOTHER is on THEIR side" a la vintage superhero comics plays out much more coherently. I cannot stress enough that the cultural touchstone Matt brings up about the campaign is the 2012 Avengers film. Regardless of some posts I've seen (which tend to assume anything the cast has ever read/watched/played is an influence, which is. incorrect) that is your starting point.

The thing about all the "take a third option" and "status quo" talk surrounding this campaign is...this post is actually a good description of how it plays out in real life. Like yeah there's a lot of political constructs within the world that are stupid and unjust! However it is unproductive, naive, and idiotic to act as though just because you don't like them they aren't part of a complex system that needs thoughtful dismantling (at least, if you place any value on human life) or worse, that they simply don't exist because they shouldn't. Sometimes you genuinely do have two choices and neither is ideal and if you do not choose between them because you're holding out for a better option the choice is made for you, and often, it's the worse one. Sometimes there is in fact a problem caused by something stupid that you cannot undo in time to solve said problem, and it is selfish and childish to say "well I think this shouldn't be a problem" and leave it at that. You will fail in your endeavors if you do this. People will see that's your approach and stop listening to anything you say.

Bells Hells feel like that to me and it's not even entirely their fault. I think because Matt had such a clear endgame in mind in the sense of "face off against Predathos" and the party was so ill-suited, and the early pacing was genuinely already bad, he's sort of tried to pivot away by following every dumb idea Bells Hells have to perhaps funnel them towards that endgame. And this is a problem too, because it means the plot doesn't push back on them and they do not grow as people, which means that a lot of us are getting tired with their shit. It's telling that most of Bells Hells' loudest defenders are the "well, if you're traumatized, you're excused from all responsibility for your actions ever :)" types within the fandom because like, part of why people are sick of Laudna's shit (for example) is that it's like ok I agree you shouldn't have an evil wizard in your head but you do, so like, what are you doing about it. And because she hadn't done anything about it and because they had to get to Predathos we had our Deus Essek Machina situation, which to be clear, not mad about, but it also means Laudna never really learned or grew from this. And to be clear she's not alone; part of the frustration around Ashton is it seemed like they DID have a revelation around shardgate and then immediately discarded it.

There's many more factors I'm sure but just to sum up:

Matt has a very clear overarching plot in mind [and, also, probably was creating a campaign for characters who see point 3 had more realized worldviews and goals and investment in their communities]

Matt does not give the cast much guidance in creating characters for that plot; "pulpy" is really tonal and not even genre

Cast, having played characters specifically designed for the "complex and morally gray and must be from the continent the campaign is set on" campaign last, turn to wacky and go-with-the-flow types

Overarching plot kicks in; characters do not behave as expected

Matt tries to embrace/encourage this by getting the party to follow what they want to do

Go-with-flow/take no responsibility party doesn't know what they want to do

endless loop of a DM trying to adjust the direction of flow to a directionless party instead of imposing a direction/Cast trying to take direction cues from a DM who keeps throwing more options at them in the hopes one will appeal to them which turns into a "what do you want to do" "I don't know what do you want to do" situation.

[room-surprise]

PSA: Mithrun doesn't run a noodle shop after the end of the manga!

(WARNING FOR SPOILERS)

Awhile back I posted a PSA about how Mickbell and Kuro don't run a noodle shop in the canon, they run an "everything store." In this post I mentioned that "Mithrun running a noodle shop" was also not canon, and that I'd get around to talking about it later.

Both of these fanons are the result of some mistranslation and information getting passed through multiple people, resulting in a very popular fanon that some people think is canon, that Mithrun is running an Asian-style noodle shop in Merini, and that he's in competition with Mickbell and Kuro.

Please note, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with Mithrun (or Mickbell and Kuro) running a noodle shop! If you like the idea and want to write or draw things about that, it's fine! It's just not canon.

SO WHAT IS CANON?

Unfortunately a lot of the information we have about what happens to Mithrun after the end of the manga comes from the still untranslated second version of the Adventurer's Bible, a Chinese Q&A posted by Kui's Chinese publisher, and autograph sessions where Kui answered fan questions, and fans posted about it on Twitter and Reddit.

You can understand why the last one, fans self-reporting what Kui told them, is extremely unreliable and shouldn't be considered the same level of "canon" as something that Kui had printed and published, or that was recorded in an official capacity.

A fan at the Korean signing described it like this (paraphrasing for clarity):

A group of about 100 fans gathered in big room with a screen, where they were playing the anime. The publisher called us up one by one, and we were guided to a smaller room, where Kui was sitting with 5-6 people from the publisher and a translator. We were not allowed to use our phones to take pictures or video.

I don't know if all of the signing events were like this, but we know that Kui and many other manga artists want to preserve their personal privacy, so I'd assume most of these events are run this way.

This makes information from autograph sessions really unreliable, since anyone could post anything online and claim Kui said it, and even other fans who were at the event wouldn't be able to prove that it wasn't true.

I have heard that sometimes fans "overheard" answers that other fans got, which doesn't fit with the above description, so some signings may have not been that private... Or maybe after a fan got their autograph, they talked with other fans at the event and shared information that way? Or maybe they talked about it online afterwards? I can't say for certain.

Anyway, moving on!

IF HE'S NOT RUNNING A NOODLE SHOP, WHAT IS MITHRUN DOING?

Here's Mithrun's updated biography page from the World Guide:

"島の迷宮が消失した後は、女王の命を受けメリニに駐在する。"

"After the island labyrinth disappears, he is stationed in Merini under the orders of the Queen."

The confusing part here is that another comic says Mithrun is retiring, and that he'll no longer be part of the Canaries.

MITHRUN: 何の用だフレキ (What do you want, Fleki?) FLEKI: 実は隊長が隊をやめられると 耳にしまして･･…. (I actually heard that the captain is leaving the squad…) MITHRUN: 事実だ (It's true.) FLEKI: おおっ第二の人生を歩まれる (Oh, you're starting a second life.)

Cithis also confirms that Mithrun is leaving the Canaries:

"それで隊をやめたあと何をされるご予定で? (So what are you planning to do after you leave the corps?)"

This seems like it would be a contradiction with "he is stationed in Merini under the orders of the Queen." If he's retired, why is he still taking orders? Why is he stationed there, a term normally used for military duty?

I think what Kui is telling us is that even though Mithrun isn't a Canary anymore, he's still nobility, and as a noble he has to obey the elf queen, and even if he isn't actively a Canary, he's considered a military asset - one of the duties of nobility is to always be ready to perform military service for their monarch.

Since the elf queen is an absolute monarch, anything Mithrun does is "with the Queen's permission/under her orders," since she owns her subjects.

(This is fun because it hints at potential future conflict. Will the Queen ever command Mithrun to do something he doesn't want to do? What happens if he refuses? Will he defect, and swear allegiance to his new home in Merini instead?)

Ok, Mithrun's retired from the Canaries, but what is he going to do in Merini?

"メリニに残り悪魔の監視を続けるはびこ魔物の蔓延る場所を巡り活動を記録する魔物とは 迷宮とは なんだったのか 生涯をかけて 追い続ける (I'll remain in Merini, and continue to watch out for demons. I'll travel to places where monsters gather and record their activities. I'll spend the rest of my life seeking to understand monsters, and the labyrinth.)"

(Why does the translation call it a labyrinth, not a dungeon? PSA on this here.)

As you can see, there's no mention of noodles here. Mithrun has something he seriously, passionately wants to do, and he plans to do it for the rest of his life. Fleki's reaction, by the way, is complete and utter horror (she was hoping Mithrun would return to his family's wealthy estate and she could mooch off of him):

"残る･･･魔物のこんな未開拓地に? 蘇生術なし (Remaining here… in such a primitive country that's full of ​​monsters? Without resurrection magic?)"

This tells us that the elves probably consider the Eastern Continent an uncivilized and primitive place, where an elf wouldn't want to stay longer than necessary. Fleki seems to think living there would be worse than going back to prison in the elven lands.

Here is where some of the confusion probably starts:

CITHIS: 蕎麦打ち は? (What about making noodles?) MITHRUN: それもやる (I'll do that too.)

Note that Cithis does not say running a noodle shop, she just says "making noodles."

Obviously a person can make noodles for themselves, or for the people around them, without getting into the huge enterprise of opening a restaurant. It's illogical to assume "I'll make noodles" actually means "I'll open a restaurant that serves noodles."

Also, Mithrun is smirking when he answers Cithis, which implies that he's joking, or being sarcastic. This makes sense because "what about making noodles?" is part of a running joke in the manga about ramen noodles and how their presence in the primarily European-style setting of Dungeon Meshi doesn't make sense.

THE RUNNING GAG ABOUT RAMEN

The word Cithis uses, soba (蕎麦), literally means "buckwheat." The full name for buckwheat noodles is soba-kiri (蕎麦切り "buckwheat slices"), but soba is commonly used alone.

Historically, soba noodles were called Nihon-soba, Wa-soba, or Yamato-soba, all of which mean "Japanese noodle." This was meant to distinguish Japanese buckwheat noodles from wheat noodles of Chinese origin, such as ramen, sōmen, or udon.

In the modern era, soba is the word used to refer to noodles in general, regardless of origin or composition. So Italian noodles can be described as a type of soba.

The loan word パスタ (pasuta) is what is normally used to talk about Italian noodles, but the confusion between soba (Japanese buckwheat noodles) and soba (any other type of noodle) is the core of Kui's joke.

In Chapter 81, Laios and his party try to make food for Marcille that will remind her of her home and childhood (which is clearly supposed to be someplace like Italy) but they end up making Japanese-style pork ramen instead. The punchline is that Izutsumi, the only Japanese member of the party, can tell that they've made the wrong type of noodles, but the rest of the party doesn't understand what she's talking about to a comical and ridiculous extent.

In Chapter 94, when Kabru and the Canaries are trying to encourage Mithrun to keep on living, Fleki and Lycion go off on a comical tangent about making noodles:

The punchline of this joke is that Kui is depicting Mithrun servingJapanese-style noodles, which makes no sense because the elves aren't Japanese... Something we know for a fact because there are actual explicitly Japanese characters in Dungeon Meshi. Laios thinks "That's like Marcille's (local cuisine)..." in reference to the joke in Chapter 81.

The panel on the left shows Mithrun looking like a stereotypical ramen stand operator: gruff, covered in sweat, proudly presenting his finished work.

(Sorry for using your thumbnail, random furry youtuber.)

The headband, black tunic and white apron that Mithrun is wearing, and even the crossed arms in Laios' imagination is part of the look of your stereotypical Japanese chef.

So it's understandable that people look at all this, and think "Mithrun will run a Japanese-style ramen stand!" because it's a very cute, very funny idea.

But canonically it's an idea that only exists in Laios' imagination, as something that is meant to be comically outlandish, because the things Lycion and Fleki are saying are also presented as being pretty silly. A bit of levity in an otherwise very melancholy chapter.

I'll also note that when Lycion talks about Mithrun making soup bowls to serve his noodles in, he says "He could enjoy his handmade cuisine in his own bowls!"

There's no mention of serving the noodles to anyone else, just that Mithrun could enjoy the satisfaction of being self-sufficient, making his food and tableware from scratch. This is something which actually aligns very well with the themes of Dungeon Meshi.

DIDN'T KUI SAY MITHRUN IS MAKING NOODLES IN A Q&A?

During the post-manga publicity tour Kui went on, she did several signings where she answered short questions from fans while giving out autographs and drawings.

Remember, these questions and answers are being collected by fans from random tweets and other posts online, translated into English by amateurs, and there is no way to prove their veracity.

Q. Did Mithrun get to live a happy life after ending? A. He is doing work and hobby, living a happy and fulfilled life, although he is not that friendly so he will not be doing diplomat for a long time.

Taking this information at face value and assuming it's true, it sounds like Kui differentiated between "work" and "hobby" - So Mithrun has something he is doing seriously, like a job, and something he is doing for fun, as a hobby.

This makes sense with what we've seen in the official materials: monitoring the monsters and keeping watch for the return of the demon is Mithrun's "job", and making noodles (and doing other things, probably, since the noodles were a joke) are Mithrun's hobbies.

WHAT ABOUT THE WRITTEN WEIBO Q&A?

These Chinese fan questions were answered by Kui in written form, and posted online by her Chinese publisher in both Chinese and Japanese, so in my opinion, these answers should be taken more seriously than things that were solely reported by fans.

However, the question and answer about noodles here is clearly a light-hearted joke:

Q: 米斯伦会做出什么样的荞麦面？(What kind of soba will Mithrun make?) A: おいしい蕎麦だといいですね。(I hope they're delicious soba.)

As with many other answers, you can see that Kui answers in a vague, polite, and gently joking way. "What kind of noodles will Mithrun make?" "Tasty ones, hopefully!"

It's similar to how she answered questions about if Falin's lifespan is longer because she's a chimera or if Thistle is still alive with "That would be nice!" or "I hope so!"

This is clearly a sort of non-answer, but even if you take it to mean "Mithrun is 100% for sure making noodles," there is still zero indication that Mithrun is canonically running a restaurant.

In closing: if you want him to run a noodle restaurant in your heart, in your fanfics, in your fanart, that is perfectly fine! Japanese fans love this idea (they use pasta emojis to represent Mithrun!) and there's tons of artwork about Mithrun being a ramen chef. I think that would be a lovely thing for him to do! I bet he'd have a lot of fun!

But it's not canon.

What is canon is that he's living in Merini, going to group therapy, learning to appreciate the people around him, enjoying himself, and both his work and his hobbies are going well 💕

[icepoptroll]

@june-doe-2024 day 30: Disability Pride Month

***From my Everyone Lives AU wherein an alternate Karnak is the kids' nurse following the Cyclone accident***

In which the kids all come back to life and Ricky finally gets to say his piece. I felt my AU was a good vehicle for this and will probably incorporate this into the fic later down the road.

Wooooooooo!!! My last June Doe for this year! I had the time of my life doing this event. Usually when I do month long art challenges like these I fizzle out by the end of the month and either don't finish or by my last few pieces I'm just not feeling it anymore but this time I think I really finished strong with my last few days. Or, well, comics have never exactly been my STRONG suit but I felt like this conversation deserved one. This is a conversation that we never really got to see in canon. Had I had more time, I probably would have made it even longer.

I always felt like Ricky sort of avoids confronting Ocean on the things she was wrong about, for a lot of reasons. For one, he'd rather occupy his time with things he sees as productive and fulfilling, and he was just never sure he'd get anywhere trying to explain these things to her. For another, he's very observant and he's seen lots of other people's conflicts with her devolve into a debate which she's always trying her damnedest to win. But while he knows who he is and he never felt the need to prove himself to her, deep down it does bother him that this issue never got addressed, and Penny can see it. Something I noticed (at least, in the 2016 version wherein Ricky still has enough lines lol) is that Ricky doesn't really care what Ocean thinks of HIM, but where he DOES feel the need to correct her is her views on the whole of HUMANITY. I think after the accident, getting a lot of time to reflect, he would come to realize that her misconceptions about disability not only affect the way she sees him, but the way she sees disabled people in general. I also did reference the 2018 version here: in that run, Ocean had a line speculating that Ricky had "two? three years?" left to live, insinuating that that's why he shouldn't be the one to come back.

Yes, I definitely could see Penny separately luring the two of them and then trapping them in a room with her to put this to rest, lol. It's the kind of tough love she'd be bold enough to provide. She definitely thinks he deserved a chance to speak his mind and that Ocean owes him an apology.

Mostly. . . Ricky just wants Ocean to love her fellow human. I can't wait to write more of my AU because Ocean's really going to shift her focuses after surviving the crash and I feel like writing all the changes in her thinking and beliefs will be interesting.

Big thanks to @victoriawaterfield for hosting the June Doe event. I had a wonderful time and it worked wonders for my art!!

[teaandspite]

The Great Goodreads Diss List (Part 2)

[part 1]

[part 3]

"I've read a few books where the authors should have quit while they were ahead. Occasionally that spot is after they've written down the title."

"As boring as watching my grandma knit"

"if I hear the word 'countless' used to describe what we were repeatedly told were exactly one million ships ever again, I think I'll find something to throw myself off."

"The only crime in this novel worth investigating is the one the author has committed against the English language."

"The breasts of every woman that appeared in this book were described."

"The best thing I can say about this book is that it's diverting. The worst thing I can say is not printable."

"This book could have been an email."

"Someone take the damned thesaurus away from [author]."

"This book is so bad that I literally joined Goodreads just so I could vent about it."

"Why does everybody keep falling for him? He has the emotional range of a potholder."

"as if a spavined mule was trying to do the tango to the music of Iron Maiden."

"too much wrapping and not enough content."

"Can I get a horror comic with real monsters and not a metaphorical one please."

"OH MY GOD WHEN WILL SOMEONE GET MURDERED ALREADY?"

"I did not read this I’m just a hater." 

"Sometimes, if it takes you 10 years to write a book, you just shouldn't." 

"I'd recommend vcr manuals over this."

"She actually wrote 'molten gaze'! Ack!"

"Those poor, tortured metaphors."

"This book only gets a star because the fact that I like words coincides with the fact that it contained words."

"I will proceed to chronicle my transition from literature enthusiast to broken shell of a woman"

"A shortbread tin Brigadoon piece of nonsense"

"It pains me to write this review, almost as much as it pained me to finish this book."

"'Empurpled' is a word that should never be used to describe genitalia. It should, however, be used to describe your prose."

"Well I mean, at least I'll have a new joke to tell my therapist this week."