#Which is annoying to me as all eff but WELL

[peach-coke]

➤ The Boys || 3.06 - Herogasm | Deleted Scene

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

octavinelle’s “happy endings”

***SPOILER WARNING: This post will go into detail about the dreams Azul, Jade, and Floyd experience in the book 7 part 10 update.***

OKAY, so there’s a debate in the TWST fandom about whether or not Azul and the twins consider each other “real” friends or just business partners. I’ve shared my own thoughts on this topic in the past (which you can read here!). After the most recent main story update, it’s now more clear to me than ever that they do treasure each other even if they don’t express that in traditional ways.

Let’s discuss them in order that they appear in book 7 part 10!! I know there’s some vagueness surrounding how much of the dream is Malleus actively controlling the scenarios (hence the limited and shallow scope of them) and how much the dreams actively pull from the innate desires of the dreamer, but for the sake of the argument let’s assume the latter is more influential in shaping and structure of the dreams.

First up, Floyd!

So Floyd is known as the “I do what I want when I feel like it” guy. He hates two main things: 1) being told what to do/having his freedom restrained and 2) being bored. To ensure that Floyd is happy, the dream consistently shifts to locations so he vanishes explore and experience new things.

What you might notice is that Azul and Jade aren’t around in Floyd’s dream. This doesn’t mean they don’t exist or that Floyd doesn’t know who they are though. When asked, Floyd replies that Azul is simply doing his own thing (focusing on his business ventures/schemes) and Jade is there supporting him, thus leaving Floyd to his own devices. The fact that Jade and Azul are still present in Floyd’s dream, just not in an immediate capacity, makes complete sense.

In the waking world, Floyd loves to stir up trouble with his brother and Azul. The thing is, Floyd also dislikes it when they tell him off, order him to do something he’s not in the mood for, or punish him for acting out. Yes, Jade for the most part enables Floyd to misbehave, and yes, Azul has largely learned by now that it’s best to sit back and let Floyd fuck off/finish throwing a tantrum rather than intervene. However, there are still times when they order Floyd around or get upset with him. For example, Azul scolds Floyd for damaging the vault where they keep the contracts in book 3 and for not selling the drinks he’s supposed to in book 5. We see numerous examples across vignettes as well: Jade forces Floyd to stand in line at a famous patisserie for Trey as penance for eating special fruits meant for a VIP client (Trey Labwear vignettes), Azul and Jade wring Floyd for his eel slime (Azul Ceremonial Robes vignettes), Azul orders Floyd to secure the rights to Sam’s Mystery Drink even though Floyd shows a clear disinterest in the task (Floyd Dorm Uniform vignettes), etc.

In spite of these grievances, Floyd doesn’t entirely despise Jade and Azul, nor would he be happier without them. They’re an important part of his life, hence why they still linger in the dream, just in the periphery where they can’t butt in with whatever Floyd wants to do. Jade and Azul aren’t present and compliant since that, too, would quickly bore Floyd. He loves those two goobers in part because they’re chaotic and unpredictable, not because they’re yes men to his every action. The dream might not be able to keep up with that demand; it only seems to operate in extremes rather than conjure enough nuance to keep Floyd stimulated and content. This is why all the places Floyd already visited bored him; he got showered with too many conveniences and eventually got fed up with it all.

If you need even more damning evidence, all previous dreams would manifest someone closely tied to the dreamer in an attempt to keep them in the dreamscape. Who does Floyd’s dream summon? AZUL AND JADE. If Floyd genuinely found them annoying or didn’t want them near, the surely the dream would spawn other people. BUT NO, it specifically spawned THOSE TWO in an effort to convince Floyd. It can be argued that they could very well be a source of hatred since Kalim and Neige showed up for Jamil and Vil respectively, but I genuinely think Floyd doesn’t feel that degree of negativity toward Jade and Azul; the kind of hatred that Jamil and Vil have for their respective counterparts has never been expressed by Floyd toward Jade or Azul.

Floyd reacts to dream!Jade and Azul in a manner that’s very different from the dreamers that came before him… with anger. And a LOT of anger too. He immediately clocks them as phonies and, he, fully waking, demands to know who the fakes are, because they certainly aren’t Jade and Azul. Floyd points out their faces and voices may resemble theirs, but they’re acting in a way that they never would (suggesting a “boring” way of living). That pisses him off to the point where he cuts the fakes down all by himself. Brutal violence aside, this tells us a lot about Floyd... as well as Malleus.

We see that Floyd has become lethargic and bored despite the dream's attempts to sate him, which just demonstrates that Malleus, whose magic has a hand in crafting these realities, has a shallow understanding of what makes people happy. (Edit: to be clear, Malleus having a “shallow understanding” of happiness is not a personal take; this is a direct statement made by Idia in-game and this is where I am pulling my phrasing from.) He thinks that removing all obstacles and challenge to what you want is what leads to a happy ending when, in truth, it clearly isn't the case for Floyd, who craves stimulation and change. While Malleus is motivated outright controlling the details of Floyd’s dream down to the wire, his autonomous magic has decided to get rid of any challenges Floyd may face in his pursuit of happiness. (I would continue about the Malleus portion, but since this post is about the Octatrio, I will instead direct you to this post, which shares many of my own thoughts ^^) I think that's why Floyd truly "woke" when he was faced with dream!Azul and Jade; a part of him recognizes how wrong it is for the two people he chose to spend his time with because they're so fun are now turning around and preaching complacency. It tells us just how well Floyd knows those two and values their... unique perspectives, shall we say?

Next, just Jade!

What's immediately fascinating about Jade's dream is that it's also underwater, despite Floyd and co. suspecting it would be on land/in the mountains. Floyd even changes from his merform to his human form prior to hopping to Jade's dream because he was under the impression that it would be on land. This ends up not being the case, although Malleus's magic does manifest the underwater equivalent of "mountains", which are volcanic vents at the bottom of the sea.

We see Jade happily exploring alongside a dream!Azul and dream!Floyd, who are both very different than the real ones. Dream!Azul has big, watery eyes and is much more of a coward and crybaby than the real Azul is. He also seems to be very dependent on Jade, who derives great joy from watching dream!Azul flail about while trying to attain his goals (in this case, access to a gold vein). This is in-character with what we already know about Jade; he amuses himself by watching others struggle--especially Azul, whom Jade frequently teases, such as tricking him to dance as a mummy in the first Halloween event and comparing Azul's greedy attitude to the positive traits of other dorm leaders. Jade also prefers to have control over the circumstances, so he likes it when people defer to his word or advice. So what better to hand him than an Azul that listens to his every word and also provides entertainment value in his tears?

As for dream!Floyd, he presents with a very goofy face and seems to lack his usual aggression and flippancy. Instead, he has a fixation on eating other sea life around him (crabs, shrimp, etc.) and happily goes along with Jade's mountain exploration. Like dream!Azul, dream!Floyd acts dependent on Jade to guide him and even acts cowardly in a fight. Now we can sort of get a glimpse of how Jade feels about Floyd too. Dream!Floyd's pliant and agreeable nature may come in part from the dream seeking to provide Jade with more free entertainment, but it could also be that Jade wants Floyd to share in his interests. But here Floyd is not gung-ho about mountains; instead, he acts very innocently, almost like a kid going along with whatever his parents decide to do for the day. It gives me the impression that Jade doesn't see Floyd as threatening but as someone cute and child-like. This idea is reinforced when, in an attempt to keep Jade dreaming, dream!Azul tells him that Floyd is cute and not some thug (like the real Floyd is). AND JADE 100% BUYS IT. He 100% believes that dresm!Floyd is the "true" one, that his Floyd and Azul would be useless without his support.

Idia makes an important comment at this point in book 7. He explains that Jade is having a hard time waking up because he believes in himself too strongly. That also means that Jade is distrustful of others; he is the only person he counts on. This reflected in how dream!Azul and dream!Floyd present. Both are heavily reliant on Jade to tell them what to do. In real life, too, Jade uses his competency to get into others' good graces (including the notoriously hard to please Vil; see his Dorm Uniform vignettes) so then he can reap the benefits that relationship offers. Jade is just that confident that he can succeed. Indeed, he often is the one coming close to tasting success when all others have failed. If we look back at Ghost Marriage, Jade was about to win over Eliza's heart before Floyd rudely interrupted and pointed out the flowers Jade was gifting were poisonous. Back to Idia's comment; because this is dream's Jade world, he's perhaps too invested in the dream that he has made, thus Jade is choosing to believe the dream that he conjured over the reality staring him in the face. It takes fistfighting with Floyd AND a jolt from Sebek's UM to properly shock some sense into Jade. He is otherwise too stuck in his own head to consider a truth that isn't one he has constructed for himself.

Still, I find it revealing that even though Jade is essentially stuck in his own headspace, dream!Floyd and dream!Azul are the only other people around. Floyd and Azul’s dreams feature way more NPCs, but Jade’s dream is pretty lonely. He could theoretically have several influential people to whisper in the ears of, but instead Jade’s desire is grounded… just being able to explore nature with his twin and Azul. They’re the ones he chooses to spend his time with. No one else. And Jade actively, fiercely defends this simple thing despite usually not being one to resort to violence right off the bat. The only major time in the main story where Jade does this is in book 2, when be noticed that he’s being tailed and does not appreciate the violations of his privacy. That’s exactly what this dream sequence is. It’s another violation of his privacy, and he detests that. You shouldn’t be here interrupting his happy, chill time with his friends business associates. It’s best for you to clear out.

I think it's also worthwhile to note that Floyd and Jade's waking sequences mirror one another. To quote myself from another post:

Something I find interesting is that the twins’ moments of waking mirror each other’s usual approaches to a task. Floyd usually foregoes a plan and prefers to use his fists to get the job done. However, he is slowly roused by reminiscing about his memories at NRC and the promise of being presented with a challenge. The final blow that shocks him awake is the presentation of a dream!Azul and dream!Jade who attempt to lure him deeper into the dream. Floyd doesn’t fall for it; in fact, he gets mad instead, and that fury, so biting and clear, snaps him awake. The opposite is true for Jade. He is someone who meticulously plans before acting, and would rather control the circumstances and use other roundabout methods before resorting to violence. But ironically, the master manipulator Jade is the one who falls for his own dream’s manipulations—all because he trusts himself above all else. He only wakes up because of a very strong physical force (ie Sebek’s UM) striking him. Prior to this, Jade was putting up a very good fight and the blows be was taking were not sufficient to wake fully him. So… Floyd, the brother who prefers brawns, woke up after reflecting and experiencing strong cognitive dissonance between his fake reality and bis true reality. Jade, the brother who prefers brains, woke up after being smacked the right amount. They woke up after experiencing an intense shock related to what is essentially the opposite of their preferred problem solving strategies.

And last but not least, Azul!

We’ve arrived at what I think is the juiciest part to dissect on the subject of the Octatrio’s friendship. To start off with, everyone suspects that Azul’s dream will be one in which he is a highly successful businessman with Mostro Lounge as a chain with even more locations stretching as far as the Coral Sea’s depths. That isn’t the case though! They quickly come to learn that Azul is the leader of Golden Trident, a reigning Coral Rush team. In this dream’s reality Azul was always popular and well-liked. Because he was never bullied, he never started up his shady business in middle school and thus never attracted the interest of the twins. Notably, Jade and Floyd still exist in the dream (as Azul remembers the Leeches from elementary school), but they never got close.

Before we get into the Octatrio’s dynamics, I want to say that the setup of this dream already tells us that a lot of Azul’s desire to become a successful business owner really stems from the longing to be accepted as he is. He uses his businesses and accumulation of contracts to reinforce and inform his self worth. Azul has formed a false belief and identity entering around the concept of success and likability equating to talent and material goods. This explains why he’s so fixated in his public image and being perceived as smart, confident, reliable, and trustworthy, and why he loses it so quickly when he’s denied his collection of golden contracts. Azul is insecure as heck about his shortcomings (athleticism being one of them) and the dream may be latching onto that, as well as his desire to be liked by his peers, to overcompensate.

A little thing I'd like to call attention to is that Jade refuses to divulge the private details of Azul's past in which he was bullied. This is significant because most other instances of the twins bringing up Azul's past usually results in them making fun of him for it and continuing to rag on him to the point where Azul becomes annoyed and tells them to quit it/reminds them that they swore to not talk about it. In those other instances though, the twins never tread that far; they'll at most comment about how different Azul looked or acted back then. They never went so far as to point out how badly he was bullied and here we see Jade respecting Azul's privacy by vocalizing that he refuses to release that information. And this JADE we're talking about, the one who has zero qualms with scoping out prospective new students for their personal info so Azul can later hold it against them (Jade Ceremonial Robes vignettes). Jade even blackmails older students to attain what he wants (Ortho Athletic Gear vignette). It says a lot that, when given the option to openly blab about what Azul experienced and have a laugh about it, Jade clams up.

sdjbaslidbasib OKAY I GOT SIDETRACKED, BACK TO AZUL'S DREAM. So he remembers the Leeches from elementary school, meaning that their existence was not entirely purged from his dream world. It's just a different timeline of events since he wasn't bullied in this reality. Azul is quite friendly to the twins and invites them to join his Coral Rush team at his mother's restaurant for a celebratory dinner. When we arrive at the restaurant, Azul and his team mates start to make fun of the land creatures for very similar things that he actually got bullied for in the waking world. (For example, being clumsy and uncoordinated in their swimming.) He's no longer the bullied, he is a bully. In a twisted way, Azul is getting validation of his own identity by looking down on others; this mirrors his behavior pre-OB in book 3, as he also mistreated his anemone'd peers back then. Tellingly, the only people he doesn't bully are... that's right, Jade and Floyd. Azul instead asks them to play Coral Rush with him. Again, this parallels what we saw in book 3: Azul is asking the twins to essentially "join" him in the midst of him abusing his power and lording over others. He still cares deeply about Jade and Floyd's approval specifically. Nowhere is this demonstrated so clearly as the method by which the twins finally get Azul to start questioning the construct of the dream. They start smashing up the restaurant but then grow bored and make as though they're going to casually leave. That triggers a memory from book 3 in which Azul is angrily shouting about how he'll always be alone. Alone. That's what Azul fears, being that lonely little octopus crying in his pot. That's why he's surrounded by adoring team members and fans in his dream. That's why he breaks down emotionally and OBs after the twins refuse to hand over their UMs to him in book 3. That's why he becomes distraught enough to shake the dream at the suggestion that Jade and Floyd, his two closest friends, are threatening to leave him. In book 4, Azul tries to be cool and play off this fear as the inevitable, that he's fully aware that the Leeches will discard him if he stops being entertaining to them, and that he's prepared for that when it happens. But... is that really the truth, given how Azul reacts in book 7? Everything leading up to this moment seems to imply Azul was just lying to himself, perhaps in an attempt to quell his own anxieties about the possibility. And given how Azul is shown to be calculated in cultivating a put-together public persona, I would not be shocked to learn that. It wouldn't make him seem strong or confident if he displayed weakness or fear over losing his right-hand men. I don't even know that he's purposefully telling a lie. It could very well be something Azul tells himself and believes in, but deep down he cannot truly know how emotional he would get if it ever happened.

As soon as Azul starts to wake, the mermobs of his Coral Rush team are the ones who come in and pull him deeper into the dream. Interesting to have just mobs doing this rather than a dream!Jade or dream!Floyd, given how important they seem to be to Azul. Maybe that's just how the surface level of the dream works? Like, it prioritizes lavishing Azul with general attention rather than the attention of two specific people since, in this dream's reality, Azul never bonded with Jade and Floyd (so those two wouldn't be as convincing?).

When Azul is being dragged into the darkness, Jade and Floyd don't go after him. Instead, they kinda just sit back and claim it's Azul's choice to dream more deeply so who are they to interfere? It takes some convincing from Ortho to convince the twins to pursue Azul into the next layer of the dream--but after the twins depart, Ortho wonders if Jade and Floyd being this cold is actually their way of showing trust. This sort of behavior is why I stress so often that we cannot take what the Octatrio do and say at face value all of the time. They have completely different ways of expressing that they care, and they don't always mean what they insist they mean. (KEEP THIS IN MIND BECAUSE IT COMES BACK INTO PLAY SOON.) In the second layer of Azul's dream, we revisit the events of book 3 had he been successful. He's setting that final class trip picture on fire and relishing in his total conquest of Night Raven College. Azul has ~500 golden contracts, the UMs of the other dorm leaders, and even has Crowley under his thumb--and this time, there's a dream!Jade and dream!Floyd to enjoy that victory with him. The rescue squad has to trick Azul into accidentally sanding his own contracts again, and it's that loss that finally breaks him. Again, we see how much of his own self-worth and value Azul places in that which he collects. It all ties back to that fear of not having anything of worth--not even allies to call his own--if he loses what he believes makes him desirable. At this point, Azul begins to sink into that final layer of his dream (the part where he confronts his OB self). This time, the twins lunge after him, calling out Azul's name and instructing him to grab onto them (+ Jade tells Floyd to help him pull). UM, HELLO????? The "take my hand" imagery, that symbol of trust and connection, from all the way at the start of the game is rearing its head here 😭 AND YOU KNOW WHAT'S EVEN CRAZIER???? The twins just... let go after that??? But not because they don't give a crap about Azul--no, it's because they care and believe that he can fend for himself, that he's no longer a weak person who cries and needs their support to stand on his own. Jade sends him off with a "good luck" and Floyd asks of Azul to not go to hell. Azul casually says the same right back to them before descending. And, just as the twins suspected, Azul is able to win against his inner demons and return to them, safe and sound. They were right about Azul, and Ortho was right about the Leeches. For as cold as Jade and Floyd seem to act, it's actually a front for how much they care.

In the segment where Azul faces his Phantom, he cites that the weight of everything he has taken from others has made it difficult to move. Taken literally, it of course could refer to the tentacles of his merform making it hard for him to swim. Metaphorically though? It can easily mean that he can't achieve personal growth if he's burdened by the weight of his sins (stolen talents, items, etc.). These things he stole may glitter, but they are not gold and he now realizes they aren't things he actually finds valuable. Azul wants to go out there and find things of "real value". I interpret this to mean intangible things that can't really have a price put to them, things that cannot be bought in stores... like friendship, the very thing he has with the twins but failed to call it that this entire time.

Everything in these dreams, and more specifically Azul's dream, demonstrates the Octatrio's mutual respect and trust in one another. Jade and Floyd acknowledge Azul as a strong individual, and Azul's subconscious reveals that he deeply values the twins and seeks their approval even when they've been removed from the picture.

[skitskatdacat63]

pls complain as much as you want about the eff won movie, i agree with all your tags and i'm sure you have more to say 👀

Hello here I am, ready to complain!!! I did in fact have more to say so thank you for asking

*Sorry Grace if you read this and I accidentally stole any of your talking points lol

ALSO DISCLAIMER: If you disagree with me, please do not fucking bug me about, I do not care, let me be a massive bitter hater in peace, thanks

I. Disinterest 

First of all, who asked for this? To me the appeal of F1 is how exclusive and confined it is. There are only 10 teams and 20 drivers you have to learn about which makes it very easy to become super invested. If you want to step outside that, you can learn more about the lower formulas or past seasons(there’s many of them!!!!) So why would I, someone extremely invested in the people and narrative already taking place, even remotely care about some made up drivers? Especially since they’re not JUST made up drivers, they’re made up drivers in the background of REAL drivers. I am highly invested in the results of current F1, so why would I want to watch a movie where those results and drivers are in the background. I’d rather just watch DTS, which is a crazy statement within itself.

I’ve actually thought a lot about how one could mesh real and fake within a sport like F1. Cause I daydream about my OCs in F1 haha, but then start thinking too hard about the logistics of it all. I came to the conclusion that putting fake F1 drivers into the real story is just not a great idea. Because you’re disrupting the actual results and inserting yourself into them, and also as I said, putting real life people in the background out of self interest. It just complicates things so much to add outside elements to such an insulated sport. If this movie had made up a completely fake grid, I’d honestly be all for it and probably would be pretty interested. Like, wow, give me a whole franchise of this!!! Give me a movie about every fake team!!! Get me invested!! But at the end of the day, I’m always going to care about the real life drivers more

In other racing movies, that are biopics, there is a focus of maybe one or two drivers. And those other drivers that were in the grid at the same time become background characters. BUT it’s in service of a real life story with real life people many may already be emotionally invested in. They’re not just turning the rest of the drivers into background characters in order to prop up their own fake F1 drivers, but rather just putting the focus on a story that deserves to be told. There’s so many stories that deserve to be told in F1, literal decades of stories. Why are they putting so much money and effort in service of a story that no one knows or cares about. 

Also I can already tell this movie is gonna be like…60% action, 40% plot. Again, if I wanted any of those things, I’d watch actual F1. It feels like a male power fantasy for men who wish they could try driving F1 cars.

II. Invasive 

I really dislike how involved it is with F1. You know, F1, something that is people’s legitimate job? It’s already a very flashy sport with so much publicity around it, why do you have to unnecessarily  add to that? Their cars being on the actual grid, the fake drivers being in the media pen. I just find the whole idea of them inserting themselves into modern F1 to be so weird. 

All those clips of Brad Pitt alongside the actual drivers genuinely make my skin crawl, it’s soooooooo fucking weird. Like that one clip of him standing alongside them for the anthem. Imagine you work your whole life and put so much blood, sweat, and tears into getting into F1, and then this rich asshole is allowed to roleplay next to you. There’s already enough pressure with the netflix cameras around all the time. And now they’re forced to be in a movie as well. Maybe I’m self centered but I’d be so annoyed if they were making a film about my sport and then I find out I’m only there to be a background character in a story about made up drivers. It just makes me cringe so much to imagine him pretending to be an F1 driver next to the actual drivers, like is that not embarrassing???

The social medias….very strange. Like the stuff with them using Paul Aron as their rookie. Even if they did get his permission, which I’m still not sure about, it’s so weird to me. Like oh the main characters are made up but you’re still willing to use other drivers in the pursuit of your own story. I’m sorry but is that not weird to anyone else???? I dislike how much this movie blurs the line between fiction and reality, involving real life drivers whenever it’s convenient. Looking at their socmed makes me cringe so much. I’m sure a bunch of self insert writers or novel writers would do the same but they’d get bullied. Yet a bunch of grown ass men are allowed to literally roleplay on twt/insta and it’s suddenly fine and normal? Lmao their most recent post is the FP1 results from Hungary. Is it not so fucking weird for them to make up placements, and thus just ignore the actual drivers who got those positions? Imagine you’re Lando and you got P6 and you go on instagram and suddenly discover that you did not in fact get P6, but rather Sonny Hayes did! Wow that 60 yr old sure is a good driver. 

And let us not forget to mention them making memorial posts for Senna and Jules Bianchi. That actually made me feel sickened, especially the Jules one. Imagine using a real life tragedy for publicity on your roleplay twitter. Is that fucking creepy???? Like why of all things would you choose THAT to play along with. They’re a made up team that is in no way associated with either drivers, so why are they talking about them? What is the point. 

Okay but that clip of Fernando staring at Brad Pitt, I’m fucking dying. I wish he could give his actual thoughts on it. Like what is it like to see a guy older than you, pretending to be an F1 driver, while you are there, doing your actual job. I like to think he had a dementia moment and was like, “hey wait when did that guy join the grid? I thought I was the oldest!?”

III. Dramatising

There already is a pretty big issue in this community where the drivers are treated like characters, and not real people. There’s so many people out there who just watch DTS and treat F1 like a soap opera. People who only know about F1 in the context of made up drama, and now there's gonna be a movie about made up drama. This movie further blurs the lines between fiction and reality. Again, they’re literally turning the F1 drivers into background characters of a movie. Like, wow you’re not real people anymore, your lives exist in the back of this story now. Imagine how confusing this would be as a new fan.

I know they’re all a bunch of rich privileged guys but, at the end of the day, this is still their job, not just fodder for drama. I want the sanctity of F1 to be respected okay. It's such a cool sport to me and I love all the real stuff about it, and I don't like the way media treats it and changes it.

IV. Old Man Self Insert

I basically covered this in my other categories but I just want to complain more. I really really despise that this movie just feels like some old guy really wanted to drive F1 cars and had to come up with a reason to justify it. I feel like someone who is a serious F1 fan would want to honor the actual history and context  of the sport more, y’know? Not just make a blatant self insert film, inserting himself in the literal daily life of the actual drivers. It annoys me bcs this is a sport where people start getting called old when they hit 30, not that I agree with that but I’m just saying, it’s a very ageist sport where youth seems to be valued over most other things. My resident GOAT old man, who is 18 years younger than Pitt, constantly has people saying how he should retire to give younger drivers more of a chance. So why the hell in a sport with this environment are we getting a movie about a 60 YEAR OLD driver. It’s just so clearly a self motivated passion project, and Domenicalli and others want to milk F1 for all the money it's worth. Okay so a made up team is allowed to be 11th and yet you keep shunning actual teams that could join and bring in more publicity/money? Okay, okay…

V. Misc

I’m ngl it feels like a made up team would have an easier job getting into F1 if they really wanted to, because of the publicity. And yet Andretti cannot. Imagine a docu film about a brand new team joining F1 for the first time ever and the trials and tribulations it takes to be a new team in such a historical, bloodthirsty sport. But nah let’s put all that money and effort into a make believe story. 

But yeah they’re not really doing anything inventive anyways. Wow an old man driver who they’re probably gonna pretend is not completely age inaccurate for this sport. And the supposed dynamic of it. Isn’t it supposed to be Brad Pitt’s chara coming back to mentor a rookie prodigy?? When are teammate relationships ever that nice?????? The only similar relationship I can think of is Seb and Micheal but they were on diff teams, and RBR was a lot better than Merc atp. I feel like the only time you see mentor-like relationships is either when the two are on diff teams, the car is an absolute backmarker, or the mentor absolutely outclasses the rookie. 

The fucking “who cares about safety” line, who authorized that????? Thinking about how I almost got ripped to shreds on here for talking about how refueling was interesting, and yet a blockbuster is allowed to disregard safety??? And weren’t they saying in that trailer that they have to make the car for battle? Is their strat being terrorists??

VI. Javier Bardem

GAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH WHY DOES ONE OF MY FAVORITE ACTORS HAVE TO BE IN THIS SHIT FUCKING MOVIE GOD DAMN YOU JAVIER YOU MOTHERFUCKER!!! 

It is very painful to me that he’s gonna be in this movie, and that his doppelganger who you may know as Fernando Alonso will also guest star. Like I don’t want to give this film money nor do I want to watch it. But the fact that there’s the possibility of seeing Fernando Alonso beloved on the big screen…it’s so tempting.

It’s just irritating cause his chara in the trailer DOES seem like smth I’d actually be interested in. Like I think he’s gonna be a dubious team owner or TP and man….that’s so perfect. But not in the context of the full movie lmao. So who will be the brave soul and make the Javier Bardem and Fernando Alonso cut for me? Maybe I will ask my brother to write down the timestamps for me. 

I digress. There’s probably some things I forgot to complain about but this is what I came up with <3 I hate you Brad Pitt and I hate you Domenicalli and I hate you MBS, etc etc. Lmao you know what this feels like? When you're in a fandom for a fandom for a franchise like the MCU or SW, and nrw shows/movies come out and you feel like they're bastardizing the whole franchise. This is what this movie is to me.

[what-gs-watching]

“Breathe it in baby, because I am EXUDING and I am one of a kind.”

Okay so, I fell behind in Doctor Who because I’ve been job searching for like seven fucking months and a few weeks ago one came up that could be a good fit so I was trying to super focus on doing well through the interview loop even though I was pretty sure it wasn’t going to amount to anything because I’d gone through a ton of interview loops by that point but 

Y’ALL, I GOT THAT JOB! My horrible, soul-sucking ordeal is finally over, the paperwork is signed and I have a start date and everything has settled. Which means, I can finally catch up on 15 and my girl Ruby. 

Let’s gooooo!

73 Yards

Alright, I know there was upset around this episode because everyone is like ‘what the eff does it mean?’ but ooooh, I really enjoyed it. It was creepy as HELL and it just never stopped.

Wherein, Ruby and the Doctor pop over to Wales (this mofo really spends much too much time in Wales) and while on a cliffside, he steps on something AGAIN!!!!! and everything goes wrong.

Baby boy, did you not learn anything from the mine? Do you not take a scan around when you land somewhere, or are you just too excited about being adorable in your little yellow jacket and the hat and the stripes? You look fantastic, I get it, but peep down at those cute ass boots once in a while. 

I have to say, I’m impressed by Millie Gibson in this episode. It’s a lot of pressure to put on her to carry the entire thing, and she did it really well. How devastating is it to have your best friend disappear, realize you’re being followed by some crazy apparition that literally scares anyone and everyone away from you? 

Without any explanation. That’s the part that gets me. She becomes a piranha with this horrific THING attached to her and everyone she begs for help leaves her. Eve her MOTHER! It’s a mind fuck.

And I really wasn't sure where the episode was going, so I was excited for Kate Lethbridge-Stewart to show up, I was like ‘yeah let’s get UNIT into this mess’ and then she’s affected too and oh hell, that’s like, the last line of defense. 

Ruby, completely and utterly alone. And they just make her live out her entire life like that. And she tries to fix it, of course, the whole thing with the Welsh politician was a really good attempt babe, I would have done the same thing but then that doesn’t even work?!

And so everyone is all ruffled because, what was the point of it, really? What was the message, what was the meaning??!

Was she actually the apparition? If not, who was she? And then, it just ends and none of it ever really happened at all and there’s absolutely no resolution. 

Why do we love making companions live these horrible alternate timelines? How many times did we make Amy live different lives? I feel like she at least remembered most of them. But with Ruby in this one, there’s no lesson. She learns nothing, neither of them do.

But still, I loved the creeping sense of unease, so I guess I don’t really need all the details.

Dot and Bubble

I’m simultaneously annoyed and intrigued by shows that keep telling me allegories about the dangers of technology and how dependent we are on it. So far, it’s mostly been annoyed, but oh my god y’all really hit the nail on the head with this one.

Wherein, a bunch of privileged youths are existing in a perfect society that enables them to basically LIVE social media, literally surrounded by a bubble that feeds them other people’s inanity all day long. 

One thing I have to say about this episode is that the angles are something else. Lindy, the girl we’re seeing everything through is alternately absolutely beautiful, and kind of weird looking? She’s got perfect social media face. Is that a weird thing to say? I stand by it. It’s like she’s covered in the perfect ring light. It was distracting. And probably part of the point. 

Basically, this girl has no idea that there are monsters in her fake ass society that are eating her friends, and she is very not into the Doctor and Ruby trying to help her. Like, they’re trying to get her out of danger, only to find out that she doesn’t have any idea how to walk without wearing her ‘bubble’ is so deeply disturbing. Watching this girl say “forward” to convince herself to move is amazing and upsetting on a lot of different levels. 

And then out of nowhere, media star Ricky September shows up and he literally starts giving her directions like the bubble would do and I’m like ‘okay that’s interesting’, we’re subverting the idea that this incredibly popular personality is a vapid idiot because it turns out he READS and he’s taking pity on this girl that is literally a shell of a person without the aid of technology. And it was so sweet. 

Basically, this episode is infuriating because at one point Lindy hugs Ricky and tells him she’s never been hugged before (even though we know she at least has a mother) but THEN later, when the Doctor tells her everyone is being killed in alphabetical order and Ricky is trying to fight off the dot that is literally trying to murder her, she RATS HIM OUT. His real last name starts with C, he should be dead already. 

Confusingly innocent and absolutely cut throat at the same time? I guess if you live your entire life exclusively online you don’t go through things that would actually cultivate compassion? Which honestly, is not an unfounded idea. That should make y’all feel queasy. 

And to make it all exponentially worse, they flat out tell the Doctor they can’t accept his help because he’s not “one of us”. Just straight up, really gross, really overt racism. 

15, honey, I get it, but please  don’t beg racists to let them save you. You’re too good for this world, babes. That gut wrenching shout though? Absolute perfection. And the tears. You marvelous thing. 

TL;DR Humanity is disgusting and technology will continue to feed our uglier tendencies. I felt that one deep in my damn bones.

Rogue

Okay hear me out. This episode is EVERYTHING. 

Y’all know I have a thing for boys in love. And I also have a thing for the Doctor flirting with basically anyone. I don’t particularly have a thing for the regency era necessarily, but I AM about incredible costumes and ridiculous plots. 

I was honest to god squealing this entire episode.

Wherein, 15 and Ruby show up to a ball in 1813 so they can pretend they’re in Bridgerton, meet a handsome young bounty hunting rake, talk a LOT about cosplaying, and deal with bird???! aliens???

There are a million details I loved in this one. The orchestra playing an instrumental version of “Bad Guy” and then later “Pokerface”. The absolutely incredible suit they put on 15. 

Not to mention: JONATHAN GROFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Loved him in Mindhunter, loved him in Glee (before it got absolutely ridiculous and when I didn’t know any better) but holy shiiiiiit I would watch him as Rogue every. damn. day. 

River Song will always and forever be my number one love for the Doctor, but I was absolutely immediately charmed by Rogue. I’m not sure why, and it doesn’t really matter. 

How absolutely adorable was the psychic paper displaying “you’re hot”? Or the bit where the Doctor figures out Rogue’s ship is wired for sound and the system blares “Can’t Get Your Outta My Head” and he lip syncs along while Rogue dies of embarrassment? 

The entire episode was just two dorks flirting and my heart was so happy. I don’t know why, but when 15 started singing “Pure Imagination” while showing Rogue around the Tardis, I thought I was going to die. 

I love that he can be so carefree and fun and adorable, but also extremely emotional and unafraid to show it. We’ve seen so many different facets of 15 already, and his obvious and silly flirty self is definitely my favorite part so far. 

Also, the fact that the Chuldur (again, bird aliens I guess? Sure) were basically just a race that went around cosplaying other people was so camp. I’ve seen a lot of posts about how the newest theory is that 15 and Ruby are somehow in some weird sort of tv show universe this season, and this episode definitely fuels that a little bit. 

And maybe y’all are onto something with that, but I honestly don’t care to figure out what’s going on, I just want to be along for the ride.

Of course though, we can’t have an episode that’s all fun and games. The Doctor went all in on shooting his shot with Rogue and it distracted him and it put Ruby in trouble, because of course. Maybe we should stop promising random mothers that their kids are gonna be safe? Doctor, baby, you know that they aren’t always going to be safe. 

But if you weren’t charmed by Rogue before that point, you had to jump on his bandwagon when he pushes Ruby out of the transport trap and just says “Find me” before he’s blasted away with the stupid birds to some far off dimension. 

BALLER MOVE, baby boy. Baller ass move. Because ya know what? 15 is not going to be able to resist that. And you know how I know? Because that boy put your ring on his finger and I will ship the fuck out of you two forever and ever because of that. 

The doctor has definitely been known to  kiss people he’s only just met, but this time might be in the top 3. I thought Madame de Pompadour was good? Nah girl, ya bumped down. This kiss was better. Just me sat on the couch with heart eyes for days.

So yeah, I think I’ve decided I like letting a few stack up so I can watch them in a row. Watching them boomerang between crazy scenarios and thinking about all of that at the same time is more fun. 

I’m loving this season. It’s ridiculous, it’s different, it’s a bunch of things I didn’t even realize I wanted. Gimme more pleaaaaase.

[satansapostle6]

fire and ice | james cook

Cook’s interest is piqued when an old childhood friend moves in across the street.

Warning: Mature themes/language. Drug use. Sexual content.

part three.

part four. safe space.

“Where are we going?” Tiff complained, cigarette in hand as she and Cook trudged along.

Cook might as well have been a mile ahead of her.

“You’ll see!” he called as he walked ahead of her, too giddy to concentrate.

“I don’t want to walk anymore!” she called, trailing behind him as she haphazardly switched between halves of the sidewalk like a swerving car.

“What’s the problem?” he asked, stopping as he turned to face her.

He looked at her with curiosity, observing her pouty expression.

“My feet hurt!” she told him.

He looked down and realized that she was wearing platform heels.

“Well, fuck, Tiffy, why didn’t you tell me earlier?” he questioned, walking back to where she was.

“I did! Twice now. You just weren’t paying attention.”

“Ah, I’m sorry. Here you are, little one!” he said with a drunken excitement as he approached her.

Tiff shrieked in surprise as Cook sloppily knelt down and wrapped his arms around her body, lifting her up off the ground completely. He threw her over his shoulder like a towel, refusing to stop, not even adjusting so that she wasn’t obstructing his vision. He consented to continue like that, swinging her around like a ladder he was carrying as he made turns.

“Cookie!” she exclaimed. “Put me down!”

“Why?” he challenged.

“Because! You can’t see where you’re going!” she reasoned.

“Ah, I don’t need to see where I’m going!” he insisted. “I’m fucking Cook!”

He continued announcing himself like a Pokémon, carrying Tiff over his shoulder all the way to the pub he was headed to.

“Hey! My skirt’s riding up!” she told him.

“You’re welcome, Bristol,” was all he had to say.

Everyone who passed them seemed annoyed, or at least confused, by what was happening. After all, it was about 5:00 on a Monday. No one seemed keen on ducking beneath the seventeen year-old girl’s swinging legs or listening to Cook’s screaming of various classic rock hits, or Tiffany’s loud laughter, which Cook was glad to be extracting.

“Keith!” Cook greeted the man who was strangely like his father as he finally set Tiff down on the floor.

She brushed herself off with some embarrassment, playfully rolling her eyes at Cook.

“Who’s the lovely lady?” the older man asked in a friendly manner.

“This, Keith, is the lovely Tiff!” Cook responded, “Who I am not shagging, because we are just friends,” he announced to the entire room.

No one even responded; Tiff could tell that this was definitely the kind of place where worst outbursts would be had still without affecting anything much.

“Freddie! JJ!” Cook said distractedly as he spotted his friends.

Tiffany followed him to a booth where two other boys their age were waiting.

“There you are, Cook,” Freddie McClair remarked. “Tiff,” he greeted her with a friendly smile.

“Hey, Cook.” JJ added shyly, “Hi, Tiff.”

“Hello, boys,” Tiff smiled, accepting as two beers were instinctively served to her and Cook, who began downing his automatically.

Although Freddie was much more discreet and indifferent than JJ, both boys seemed to be momentarily distracted before they promptly remembered that Tiff was a friend. Cook looked over in amusement as JJ seemed to have a hard time lifting his eyes up to Tiff’s face.

“I can see her undergarments,” he whispered to Freddie, who nearly choked on his drink, “Is that intentional?”

Freddie leaned in, whispering facetiously as Cook laughed. “Yes.”

JJ gulped visibly. Tiff didn’t seem to mind, sitting down as she silently prompted for Cook to do the same. The boys exchanged casual remarks before the other girls eventually all showed up. Tiff felt a cold, sneaky hand on her shoulder, and didn’t have to look up.

“Hey, Eff,” she grinned, as Effy Stonem took the empty seat beside her, Pandora trailing along as usual.

Effy sat down in silence as Katie Fitch took the chair next to Panda, seeming eager as usual.

“Hey, Effy,” she smiled, as her twin sister Emily sat down.

Effy didn’t have anything to say to Katie.

“Hi, Tiff!” Pandora said loudly after greeting each of the boys, individually.

“Hi, Panda,” Tiff said with a smile.

Out of everyone, she loved Pandora the most; Pandora was a beautifully weird girl who mostly went unappreciated, especially by Effy, but Tiff saw her. Panda, of course, was always very excited about this.

“So, Tiff!” Panda said, unintentionally cutting through everyone else’s side conversations. “Are you and Cook making monkey?!”

Katie nearly spit out beer as everyone looked between Tiff and Cook. Cook looked to his ‘friend and only friend’ with a grin, as Tiff just chuckled at Pandora’s adorable attempt at girlhood.

“No, Panda, we are not,” she promised her. “Unless you count Cook’s dreams.”

There were a couple amused smirks around the table, as Cook laughed, welcoming the subject.

“Now that you mention it, actually,” he spoke up, Derby accent thicker the more he drank, “I had this great one about us last night, in a field! It was beautiful! Flowers growing around us, and everything! Even got to whip it out and compare with a horse!” Cook said stupidly as Freddie just shook his head.

No one could really tell if this was true to any degree. Most knew him too well to say ‘no’ automatically.

*****

In the later hours, the girls, except for Effy, had disappeared, and the group had ended up in Freddie’s shed, the designated hangout spot belonging to him, Cook, and JJ. Everyone was considerably drunk and smoking, except for JJ, who seemed much more alert. There was a very intimate party happening.

More mellow music was playing, and Effy was swaying along, fairly out of her mind as Freddie just watched her, fascinated. Cook was sitting in a chair, bored and spectating, while Tiff enjoyed a cigarette, aimlessly wandering about the messy room, high. She eventually stopped and settled on a place to stand, watching, fascinated, as JJ showed her his various magic tricks while Cook laughed.

“That’s brilliant, JJ!” Tiff exclaimed happily at his conclusion.

“Not really,” he blushed at the compliment, “It’s really quite elementary…”

“Don’t sell yourself short,” Tiff said sympathetically, “You’re really quite entertaining. I could watch you for hours.”

“Really?” he asked almost in disbelief. “They’re just basic tricks…”

“Not just the tricks,” she corrected him, “You.”

“Me?” he inquired, not understanding.

“Yeah. There’s something cool about you, you know?” she asked. “Like, your delivery, or something.”

“Me? There’s something cool about me?” he clarified.

“Yes, there is,” Tiffany assured him patiently.

“Sorry,” he apologized hastily, “People hardly think so. Especially girls.”

“Well, that’s a shame,” Effy chimed in as she stopped dancing for a moment as she looked around, messing with Freddie’s belongings scattered around the room. “Girls ought to pay attention to you.”

“W-Why?” JJ wondered.

“Because you’re everything,” Tiff replied simplistically. “Sweet. Funny. Charming. Smart… You’re everything other people have to pretend to be get girls.”

“No one thinks I’m those things,” he laughed nervously.

“We do,” Effy supplied platonically.

“Well, how would anyone else know that?”

“I have an idea,” Effy said humorously, holding up a digital camera she’d found.

JJ had no idea what was going on as Tiff chuckled, her intoxicated brain catching onto what was going on in Effy’s. Cook was sitting forward, curious as he tuned into the conversation.

“W-What’s the idea?” he looked between them.

Effy just chuckled lightly, standing beside JJ as she held the camera up, snapping a quick photo as she suddenly leaned in, pressing a sweet kiss to JJ’s cheek. The camera caught his reaction just in time as his eyes widened and he looked as if he were about to faint. Cook’s laughter rang throughout the room as Freddie just observed, seeming envious of JJ.

“Oh,” the startled boy said, feeling undeserving.

“You know what’s even better than one girl?” Effy asked him.

“…What?”

“Two,” Tiff smiled, taking her place on JJ’s other side as she also lightly pressed her lips to his cheek, as Effy did the same again and took a picture to commemorate the moment.

Effy took the camera and showed the picture to Tiff, who chuckled fondly.

“Wow!” JJ said blankly, as Cook just watched him. “T-Two girls at once!”

Cook burst out laughing again as JJ once again failed to hear himself out loud.

“See, JJ?” Tiff said playfully. “You’re a stud.”

“I don’t feel like one,” he admitted, sitting down in fefeat.

Both girls sat down on either side of him, trying to be of support in their own unique ways. Tiff chuckled sympathetically, now visibly high as she seemed to genuinely feel for him.

“Oh, I could kiss you,” she cooed affectionately, very obviously not sober.

“Same here,” Effy said softly.

JJ’s eyes widened as he quickly looked back and forth between the two girls, as Cook sat forward, literally on the edge of his seat.

“Fucking hell, this is turning into real life porno,” he realized.

“I-I wouldn’t mind it if you did!” JJ jumped at the opportunity.

Effy smirked at his naïveté, taking his hand in hers as she soothed him.

“Breathe,” she said laconically.

He nodded quickly and silently, perfectly obedient as he did everything in his power to show the girls his compliance.

“I… I know this is just out of pity,” JJ remarked candidly as Effy’s hand gently combed through his hair, “But I don’t mind!” he blurted out, appreciative of the entirely foreign sensation.

Cook was loving every moment of this, unlike Freddie as he watched Effy’s hand slowly turn JJ’s head to look at Tiff, who he was equally taken with.

“Oh, J,” Tiff murmured, hand cupping JJ’s face as her thumb slowly traced over his lower lip. “Does this feel like pity?”

She slowly leaned in, as JJ realized he should do the same. He was completely confused at first, scrambling and panicking as he tried to remember step by step how kissing worked, but he seemed to calm down once he’d remembered Effy’s words, or word; breathe.

He gradually closed his eyes as he prepared himself for humiliation, but felt something else entirely. JJ felt Tiff’s lips meet his as she eased him into the tender kiss, taking her time before gently taking his bottom lip between her teeth, giving it a playful bite before releasing it. JJ’s breaths had been slow but shallow as he slowly opened his eyes. He’d forgotten that he’d existed in another state before the kiss, and was disappointed once he had to reacquaint himself with the real world.

Cook chuckled in disbelief, watching with widened eyes as Freddie just sulked beside him, simultaneously jealous and uncomfortable.

“That… That was amazing,” JJ confessed breathlessly. “Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me. Thank her.”

JJ turned eagerly as Tiff turned his head back to Effy. His breath hitched with excitement as he felt a reassuring hand from Tiff resting on his thigh. Cook’s fantasy, he realized, was coming to life before him, with him as an observer as JJ sat between the two girls. He was looking readily at Effy as Tiff’s hand caressed his thigh. Effy’s gaze was fiery and piercing as she slowly crawled forward, hands cupping JJ’s face as her lips met his, tongue slowly making its way into his mouth.

Cook quickly shifted in his seat, hoping no one would notice as he just watched, speechless for once. He felt his mind wandering to godless recesses as JJ tentatively rested a respectful hand on Effy’s hip, starting to really relax as Tiff studied him, her hand massaging his thigh. Effy smiled as JJ let out an involuntary, high-pitched sigh, clearly in ecstasy.

Cook nearly screamed at them like a football match when JJ and Effy pulled away from one another.

“…Oh my God,” JJ wheezed, pale in the face. “I-I just kissed two pretty girls!” he realized.

“You’re so cute, JJ,” Effy promised him.

“So cute,” Tiff agreed in an almost sappy manner. “I promise you. Girls see it.”

“Thank you,” he blurted out again, still processing.

”You’re safe with us, JJ,” Tiff whispered with a smile.

Both Cook and Freddie could still hear, even with all the other noise in the room.

“Call us if you ever need to feel ‘safe’ again,” Effy said cheekily.

Both girls giggled mischievously as Freddie pouted, and Cook grew more and more envious.

-

part five.

[di-daynamic]

Falling (for you) Through The Snow

My fic for @jilychallenge2023 Winter in June Challenge. Partner: @wearingaberetinparis Prompt: You’re a snow artist and I think you just made a snowman(woman) that looks exactly like me… do you have anything to confess?

Lily Evans loathed the winter season.

She hated having to wear unwieldy scarves and large sweaters. She hated shivering and sneezing all the time. She hated the biting chill of the air. She hated the crunching of snow under her feet and having to shovel it out of the way. She hated even the merry carolers and especially the mistletoe she was allergic to.

It was honestly kind of ironic, because the man she was in love with was a snow artist and ice sculptor, which meant he basically personified All The Cold Things. Even imagining watching him make his intricate ice sculptures and snow craft made her smile.

She was that far gone.

Except that scenario was not at all plausible, firstly because she did not know the name of the man she was in love with, and secondly, he did not return her feelings. He was fixated on the The Unattainable Angel, or as Lily liked to call her, The One Who Had No Idea How Lucky She Was.

The name needed some work, but it conveyed her sentiment well enough.

She disliked disliking or competing with a fellow female but. . . Well, emotion did tend to disregard rational judgement and decision-making.

The love of her life thought ‘Effermont’ was a good pen-name, and she’d still fallen for him, so, well, love very clearly was one of those emotions.

It was her turn to write him, wasn’t it? It’d been nearly two days since she’d picked his letter up from Albus Dumbledore’s lovely little café Godric’s Hollow. If she left it much longer, he might think she’d abandoned him.

Or, more likely, that she’d died, seeing as he was rather full of himself on the exterior and would never believe anyone would deny themselves the opportunity to ‘bask in his reflected glory’ (his own words).

She’d grumble about the season to him. That always got him very cutely riled up.

Dear Eff,

Or should I say toff? I can’t believe you have a ski lodge! Are you going to it these hols? And what about your best friend/very annoying brother? Will he be going with you or is his wicked family going to trap him into one of their horror movie family reunions?

I can’t believe it’s winter again. I hate this season so much!

I can just see your face (I mean, I would I if I knew what it looked like) looking so annoyed. I know you like the winter, Eff. It’s the only flaw in your oh-so-perfect self.

I mean, winter is just plain annoying. With literally none of the good things other seasons bring! What comes in the winter? Slipping on the ice? Strawberries?

In other news, my sister and her husband came to visit home and my mum ordered me back, so I spent this weekend in my house in dodgy old Cokeworth. You haven’t heard of it. It’d be a no-name except I just wrote its name, so.

My nephew is a sweet baby, the cutest and chubbiest one on the planet. My sister on the other hand. . . Well, I’ll leave it at ‘we could get along better’. But you already know that. You probably know more of my sister and my relationship than anyone except my old best friend, but talking about him really brings down my mood so I’m not going to do that.

Not that much needs to happen for that. Winter is coming, after all. Winter is already here and that is such a pity.

She bought me this really ugly pink sweater. I’m sure it’s not lost on her that I’m a redhead and therefore ANY pink looks absolutely terrible on me, much less this garish monstrosity that makes me want to poke my eyes out when I look in the mirror while wearing it.

Redheads look terrible in pink. And basically any colour on the red spectrum. It’s a fact of life, and one she knows VERY well.

And she had the nerve to say it suited my personality? I’m sorry, what?

Honestly, sometimes I just want to kill her. And not in the good way – like how you say it about your very annoying best friend/brother.

How goes the life-ending heart rending love for The Unattainable Angel? You didn’t talk about that in your last letter, which is odd. Your letters are usually full of romantic woes. No judgement, mine were too, back when I actually had a romantic life to speak of.

How are your friends? Got into any ridiculous shenangians lately? Have you talked to your mother since your last letter? It sounds like you argued pretty badly and I know she’s very important to you, Mama’s boy.

In all seriousness, don’t let the bitterness fester. It does so too easily, and honestly, I’m a prime example. Don’t let one argument ruin such a wonderful relationship, Eff.

Onto lighter topics. I tried the flavour you recommended at Godric’s. It was good. Just the right amount of bitterness to offset the sweetness. Finally, we can say we both like a coffee flavour! It looked impossible for a while there.

And no, Katniss and Gale would definitely not make a good couple! The sheer amount of sweets you like to have is rotting your brain, Eff. Everlark all the way, thank you very much.

How are your studies going? Mine are going pretty well. At least you don’t need to take a Sociology class which requires you to send letters out to complete strangers in the hopes they’ll reply. I can’t regret picking this social experiment, though, because it got me you, and that made it pretty much worth it.

Pretty much. Weighing it out.

No letter hassle v. No Eff. Hmmm. Hard to say.

Kidding.

Continuing the getting to know you game: I hate, hate, HATE answering this but the embarrassing story about me my mum and dad just adore telling people is the time I went around the house narrating everything that was happening just in case we had cameras recording us for a reality show. Or the time I was flower-girl at my aunt’s wedding and I threw all the flowers on her new husband’s really annoying father’s head. Or the time I tried to cut my hair with safety scissors and had to get a bob cut to rectify the mess. Or the leash story. God, the leash story. You don’t want to know it. It’s even more mortifying as an adult.

If I could holiday anywhere, it’d be Italy. Venice and Rome especially! The thought of going along on a little gondola is just really fun, and Rome has all the history I love. History’s been my favourite subject since I was a kid. Not that I could ever tell dad. Maths has obviously been my sister’s and my favourite since we were kids and still is.

He still isn’t over me studying law.

So, for you! If you could have any name other than your given one (obviously, I don’t know what it is, so please don’t trick me by just using that!) what would it be? If you could have any pet, which animal and why?

And write something for me. You’re a psychology student, psychoanalyze me and write me something I’d like. I know, I know, your artistic talents tend towards visual – being a snow artist and all –  rather than literature, I’m the literature swot between us, but I recorded that song on the piano and sent it to you, didn’t I?

I hope the walls of your house didn’t collapse from how bad that was.

Lots of love,

Flower.

Her pining didn’t show through that, Lily thought, pleased. Nor did her bitterness at asking about The Unattainable Angel. Lily despised the thought of seeing the other girl as a competitor – and she didn’t – but she didn’t need to drive a stake through her heart by repeatedly hearing about her.

But she had long decided the only way to get over a hopeless crush was to power through it while making her heart bleed over and over. Hence the asking.

She folded the letter and slid it into the envelope.

“Lily!” Mary called from the hall. “Are you done getting ready?”

Lily froze guiltily. She’d completely forgotten about the party in favour of venting her frustrations at Eff. He was very good at taking that. He was quite possibly the best pen pal in the universe, except she had no objective way of measuring that.

Subjectively, he absolutely was.

But back to the moment.

“Er, not yet,” she yelled back to her roommate. “Give me a minute!”

She quickly put on the dress Eliza had gotten out for her earlier – much to her protestations then and now relief that she didn’t have to select one herself – and did her makeup. It wasn’t anywhere near what she would have typically done for a party.

“Your minute means an hour,” Mary was exaggeratedly complaining as she slipped out of her room. She frowned at her. “Why do you look like you threw that together in thirty seconds?”

Probably because she had.

“Never mind that,” Eliza said like the godsend she was. “Mare, do her hair while I get the mascara.”

“I don’t get why you guys treat me like a baby,” Lily grumbled, even as grateful as she was.

Eliza pinched her cheek. “Oh poor jelly-baby,” she cooed her very demeaning nickname for Lily.

“Quit acting like one then,” Mary suggested rudely, parting her hair.

“We’re stopping by Godric’s on the way.” Lily announced as she started driving on the icy roads, finally entirely ready. She looked in the rearview mirror for a moment. She looked amazing. Mary and Eliza were miracle workers.

Mary groaned. “Oh, come on. Do you do anything other than write to your beloved Effermont?”

Mary was very disapproving of the whole letter-writing thing: both the concept of writing to a stranger and the reopening of her very tender wounds of heartbreak every time.

“Plenty,” she replied drily. “Listen to your opinions regarding it, for one.”

“I’m just worried about you, Lils!” She called after her as she left the car. They’d reached Godric’s Hollow café.

Fair enough.

Albus Dumbledore’s eyes twinkled as brightly as ever as he took her letter outside his café. “Your Effermont is in there right now,” he said amusedly. She flushed at the ‘your’ before actually registering the sentence.

“Oh my God,” she said, feeling a thrill run up her. This was the first time they’d ever been this close to each other – that Lily knew of, anyway. “I should go then. Don’t want him discovering my identity.”

“Of course. Is this the actual letter or simply the directions? For I fear he’s in somewhat of a hurry,” Albus said.

Lily grinned. Eff had made her drink his coffee recommendation – good and not ridiculously sweet for once – before she could get his last letter. She’d once made him climb a tree. He’d once given her a series of riddles to solve before Albus gave her his letter. It was fun, but also not something you could do quickly, and Lily’s grumble fest had been pretty quick. Their letters typically reached seven or eight pages.

“The letter itself,” she assured him, shaking his hand before striding back to the car. Mary frowned disapprovingly, and Eliza gave her a thumbs up.

Mary lectured her about the letters all through the drive, making her very relieved to come up the driveway of the house where Benjy Fenwick was hosting the party.

“That is one big ass house,” she said under her breath as she leaned against her car after parking. Mary and Eliza were already inside.

“Isn’t it just?” Remus Lupin smiled at her, looking as tired as always. “Fenwick has a really huge inheritance.”

She bit back the instinctive ‘how are you’ – she was sure a chronically sick person like him was sick of that (pun unintended) – and instead asked, “Where are your mates?”

He waved vaguely at the house. “Sirius and Peter are in there, causing trouble no doubt, but James got. . . Delayed.” There was a wry twist to the last word that suggested disapproval or amusement. Lily couldn’t tell. “I’m waiting for him now, in fact.”

Alarm reared in her head. The last thing she wanted was to run into James Potter. She didn’t loathe him anymore the way she had in high school, but that didn’t mean she wanted to see him.

Too bad for her.

“Hey, Moony! I’ve got a new—” James Potter stopped short at the sight of her, blinking. He was casually handsome in a polo shirt and jacket and trousers, hair tousled, his spectacles lopsided on his angular face. “Evans.”

“Potter,” she said briskly. “I’ll see you in class, Remus.” She moved towards the house, when Potter grabbed her arm. It was gentle, not restricting or pulling, but it felt like a jolt of electricity ran up her arm. “Don’t touch me!”

She turned to glare at him. He backed up in alarm, holding his hands up. “Sorry, Evans. Just had a question.”

She breathed through her irritation. “What is it?”

“Can I use you as a model?”

“A model for what?” She stared at him.

Potter faltered, “I – uh, I’m an artist of sorts. And I was just wondering, for this commission—”

“You can,” she said brusquely, moving again. She modelled for art classes for extra money. She was used to being a muse for people. She didn’t know why Potter had asked in the first place but. . . It was considerate of him.

Maybe he wasn’t that bad.

On second thought, nah. She remembered the utter fiasco he’d created last week in the mess hall.

Potter was, for some reason, the person she disliked most among the self-proclaimed Marauders. Perhaps it was his brief obsession with asking her out back in high school, or the fact that he’d been the main perpetrator in Sev being bullied. But she immensely disliked talking to or being around him either way, so it didn’t really matter.

She rejoined Eliza – Mary was off somewhere with her toy of the night, this time Hestia Jones – and thankfully managed to avoid all the Marauders for the rest of the party.

She even managed to enjoy herself, drinking a fair bit, dancing, playing a couple games and giving her number to a cute guy who might actually help her get over Eff.

All in all not a half bad night. She’d gone to worse parties.

She found herself back in Godric’s Hollow the two evenings later, listening to Marshmello on her headphones, sipping a Frappuccino (bitter, obviously) and finishing editing her assignment in Trade Relations.

“Lily,” Albus called. She looked up enquiringly, slipping her headphones down her neck. “A note from your Effermont.”

The whole world lit up from its previously dull colours. She eagerly took the folded paper from the barista, reading the scrawled message. Eff had a weird handwriting: it was like he’d been taught calligraphy, but didn’t have the time or the bother to either use it properly or disregard it completely.

It was charming. She loved it.

You will find your letter at the following place: 1. Dog Walkers for Hire 2. Home Repair 3. Symphony Orchestra

Lily closed her laptop and packed her things hurriedly, eagerness swimming through her. She’d figured out the place easily, and rushed to the intersection, grabbing the letter (with a laugh at the fact that a Congrats! Sticker was stamped on the envelope) and walked back to the flat, pulling her shawl tighter around herself.

God, she hated the cold.

 Eff was as irascibly cheerful as ever.

To the Prettiest Flower in Existence, started the letter, making Lily blush delightedly.

It is I, your beloved Eff! I hope you haven’t missed me too much. It took a while to set up the hunt and write down everything I wanted to do. My mum goes crazy for Christmas. She’s hired all these decorators for the manor, and I can just hear you say ‘toff’! (If I knew what your voice sounded like, of course). So my very annoying best friend/brother and I had to clear off for a bit, and then my other friend had this episode with his illness and. . .

Well, anyway, I was busy. And things are all fine now. Mum isn’t going any less crazy, sadly, but the rest of it’s sorted.

To answer your questions: Honestly, I’m not sure what name I’d like. My dad and mum have these really ridiculous names, you’d laugh if you ever heard them. Seriously. And my best friends too. So I think I’d either want some stupidly fancy thing to match them (not likely) – like Theodore, or Romulus, or Perseus, or Octavius or Septimus. More likely some nice, common name like mine. So. . . Tom maybe. Tom sounds nice. Or Alastair. That’s a cool name too. Daniel. Sam. Alex. Noah. Henry, like my granddad. And I would love to be a Finnick, obviously. After my favourite character, even if it would invite jokes about being too finicky.

Honestly, it’s impossible to choose! Just like you to give these weird philosophical questions, Flower. I had to ask my parents why they chose the name James and all that, so points for giving me a chance to learn some family history plus some terrible details of their sex life I never wanted to know.

As for the second one, an owl. Hands down. I don’t need a dog, because my best friend/brother is practically one, minus the obedience part. An owl just sounds really amazing. Nocturnal animal, for one. It could keep me company on my night study sessions. Did you know they can rotate their necks upto 270 degrees?? And that they have asymmetrical ears? Plus they could be like carrier pigeons! Delivery owls! I’d train them. In fact, I want to be an owl trainer when I grow up. Forget my Psychology and Philosophy degree.

You’ve probably gathered from some of the other comments that I made up with mum. You were right. Naturally. You’re probably always right, and just incredible like that. I was a bit hesitant about making the first apology (my pride yada yada, psychoanalyzing and all) but your letter convinced me, so. . . Thanks for that, Flower. You’re the best.

I have heard of Cokeworth, actually. It’s where The Unattainable Angel is from, which is such a coincidence! Do you think you might know one another? You’re both about the same age – mine – and I gather it’s a fairly small town so you must, yeah?

I am extremely offended at your disparaging winter, Flower. My favourite season! I’m sorry, we’re over. I can’t write to someone who hates something so meaningful to me. I’m a snow artist! It’s a bit weird, isn’t it, that we’re writing to one another? Months after your first generic letter for your project? You dislike sweet stuff, I love it. You hate winter, and the winter is literally my livelihood. You ship Everlark, I ship Everthorne. BTW, you’re wrong about that. Like, so wrong. Attached is a list of reasons Everthorne would work. I love Katniss and Gale together!

Attached is also a story I wrote for you. Feel honoured, Flower. I don’t do this for just anybody. Also, don’t come at me when you find that it’s absolutely awful. I know. Like you said, I’m not a writer. I’m an artist. A SNOW artist, so deal with it. Winter’s the best. Winter is already here, and that is AMAZING.

Speaking as an artist, I can assure you, pink does not look terrible on all redheads. The Unattainable Angel is a redhead, and she would look pretty in a garbage bag, so I refute your assertion. I bet you look good in pink too.

In order to prove that, I, the stunning snow artist that I am, will be making a sculpture of The Unattainable Angel in pink! It’s a commission I got last week, for this business party in a garden in the suburbs. It’s some fundraiser, sort of, plus networking – don’t ask me. My dad does this kind of stuff for his business, and it all goes way over my head. Who holds something like this in a garden though? And wants an ice sculpture for it? Especially one of a girl? I contemplated not doing it, especially because I don’t want her stared at by perverts, but she agreed, and she’s a model, so she’s probably used to it. . .

She’s so great. And so incredibly gorgeous. I can’t wait to get sculpting! It’ll turn out beautiful, I’m sure. Anything would, with her as model.

Ouch about your sister, though. I can’t believe she said that. I’m sorry your relationship has soured so much. My best friend/adopted brother is the worst and most annoying person on the planet, but I can’t imagine my life or myself without him. I’m sorry you’ve lost that closeness. I’m sure it must be hard.

The Unattainable Angel is as, well, unattainable as ever. She really, really hates me. So nothing new on that front, except I actually managed words to ask her if she can be my model for the sculpture, to prove something to you and for the commission – the first more than the second ;)

Trust me, you don’t want to know about my friends. Really. Like I said, my chronically ill friend had an episode, but he’s fine now. But really. My brother and our other friend did this so stupid thing yesterday. . . It involved flag poles. And jumping off buildings. They may have been a tad drunk.

They must have been – either that, or clinically insane. And my mum still didn’t scold him! She’s definitely playing favourites. And I am not pouting about it. Also, I am so not a Mama’s boy, Flower! You take that back!

My studies are going well. I got an A on that test I wrote to you about being nervous about, so that’s a relief. It’s so weird to think we’re already well into our second year. It feels like I’m still at high school sometimes. The general stupidity of the population doesn’t change no matter where you are, I’m sure you would say. But still.

Yeeees, soon we’ll bring you onto the dark side Flower! Soon you’ll be consuming the sugariest and sweetest stuff known to mankind and loving it! In all seriousness, glad you liked the rec! I’m going to suggest white chocolate peppermint tea now. It’s a Godric’s special. It’s pretty sweet, but I think you’ll like it. Or maybe not. Try it and tell me!

I absolutely want to know the leash story! Tell me, tell me, tell me! Pretty please with a cherry on top? I’m sending you puppy eyes right now. I wish you could see. My mum tells me my puppy dog begging eyes are absolutely lethal. I bet you’d cave in an instant. I wish we could meet in person. I know you don’t want to – just an idle wish.

Also, wow. Those stories are hilarious. Not as stupidly embarrassing as ones my mum insists on telling though. She brings out the baby album every. time. somebody visits. It’s so stupid! And my brother is no help, he just keeps laughing, especially because there aren’t any baby photos of him.

I bet you looked cute with your bob cut, though. How old were you then? The thought that people might be watching us in some reality show is pretty scary. Thanks for the nightmares, Flower.

Continuing the game: Tell me your favourite traditions for a holiday. Any holiday. And if you could have any three books survive the apocalypse with you, which would they be?

I want you to write down five things you even slightly like about the winter. As a snow artist, I demand that my pen pal/closest female friend like at least something about it. If you could send me that piano recording (which wasn’t that bad by the way) you can do this. For me? With puppy dog eyes again.

Lots of love,

Effermont.

Lily was smiling instinctively as she read through the letter, already composing a reply inside her head. She couldn’t help it. Eff was so effortlessly cheerfully charming. God, she was so hopelessly in love with him. Even as he pined after The Unattainable Angel. Who sounded like a bitch who had no idea what she had.

Lily sighed and tried to let go of that misplaced anger. She just wished she could have Eff like her. He did seem like he was flirting sometimes. It got her hopes up when they oughtn’t.

Maybe Mary was right. Maybe this was bad for her.

But at the same time – she couldn’t stomach the thought of this stopping. Of never receiving a letter from him again. Of never laughing at his random thoughts and smiley faces. Of never feeling that despairing love again.

There was no good choice.

She let her chin drop onto her palm as she scanned the letter again idly, stopping at the places where he complimented her, blushing and feeling nerves stir in her stomach. Stopping where he described his latest commission, she frowned.

That sounded familiar. Lily thought about it, putting the letter and the attached papers away for later reading and replying. A networking event. Garden. In the suburbs. Ice. . . Then it clicked.

Marlene’s mum’s company was having a gala in the garden just outside her house. A semi-informal one. Marley had talked to her about the ice statue of a girl they’d ordered for it. Someone in the family had been commissioned.

Lily’s heart skipped a beat. Someone in Marley’s family could be Eff. The thought was almost dangerous. She’d met her friend’s immediate family a couple times. Her mind was immediately racing: she had two brothers. And multiple male cousins. One of them. . .

But would knowing be a good thing? Did she want to know who Eff really was?

Yes, her traitorous heart replied. Of course she wanted to know whom she was in love with.

But the more sensible part of her protested. She already liked him enough. Knowing his true identity, seeing him around the Hogwarts campus – that might literally shatter her. She didn’t know if she could handle it.

But Lily was impulsive, reckless. It was somethine Tuney and Sev had derided her for multiple times. It was part of who she was. She took out her phone and shot a message to Marlene, asking if she could come to her mum’s party, on account of being a law student and networking.

It wasn’t a lie. Meeting influential people would be useful.

But she knew her main reason for asking. And it was purely personal.

The party was nice – a much classier affair than the high school and college parties she’d been to, thankfully. She chatted with several people, made nice and got business cards, all the while looking for an ice sculpture of a girl, heart thumping.

“Lily!” Marlene called. “Hey, crazy coincidence you’re here.”

“Why is that?” She asked, putting her glass of wine down and making her way to her friend.

Marley pointed vaguely in the direction behind her. “This ice statue— it’s of a girl, and—”

Lily didn’t bother listening further, turning and making her way in that direction. Then she saw the statue, and came to a standstill.

It was her. It was her, in pink clothes, just as Eff had promised. It was her right down to the curves of her hair and the green in her eyes and the smile on her face.

Eff had used her as the model for his commission.

She was The Unattainable Angel.

Her mind went blank. Her whole body felt numb, and not from the cold. Her hands were trembling.

Eff was in love with her. He was every bit in love with her as she was with him, judging by his letters.

She had to—she had to find him. She had to tell him. She had to move. She had to do something.

But what?

Dear Eff,

I saw the statue you made for the McKinnon Offices’ Business Party. I know her. I want to meet. I think I can help you finally attain The Unattainable Angel.

Love,

Flower

To the Flower of Utter Amazingness,

You want to meet??! Like, seriously?? Tell me this isn’t a joke, Flower. I’ve wanted this for ages.

I can’t believe you saw the statue.

So you do know Evans, huh. Small world.

Godric’s Hollow? The table where you left your first letter? 5 pm on Monday?

Lots and lots of love,

Effermont

Dear Eff,

Smaller than you might think, actually.

I’ll see you there.

Lots of love,

Flower

Lily was dying of anticipation.

She wasn’t one to tend to hyperbole like that – but this was an extraordinary situation. She was about to meet the man she was head-over-heels in love with. She felt that deserved some exaggeration.

It was four fifty-five on Monday. Lily had her book bag swung over her shoulder, too wrecked with nerves to go back to her apartment post classes.

She was going to meet Eff!

She. Was. Going. To. Meet. Her. Pen-Pal.

It still wouldn’t quite sink in.

She sat on a bench across the road from the café, with the table they were supposed to meet at well within view. She wasn’t willing to be seen as – well, desperate, and reach first, and she wanted to have a chance to assess after she was blindsided by information.

Lily liked to be in control of things.

It was why she found herself so extremely annoyed when James Potter of all people sat in at the table, moments after she’d taken her own seat. Why did he have to pick now to come to Godric’s? And that particular seat?

Eff would come soon and ask him to move away, she thought hopefully. She kept a keen eye out for anyone approaching that particular table, but no one did.

Bitterness welled deep in her twenty minutes into the wait. She couldn’t believe Eff had stood her up like this. It was ridiculous. He’d seemed so excited in his letter. Even Albus had chuckled to her about it. Had something gone wrong on his side? Was he perhaps waiting, not wanting to eject someone from their seat?

Nah. He was too arrogant for that.

Impulsively, she stood and made her way to that table. Maybe there was a note? Another letter?

“Evans!” Potter – squeaked, flailing about undignifiedly. He was always so odd around her. She despised him, but he seemed to waver between awkward and sleazy around her. Which was a pity. He wasn’t bad looking and Mary kept insisting he’d grown up since high school.

Lily didn’t really see how bullies grew up.

“Potter.” she said shortly.

“Did you, uh, want the table?” Potter stood up quickly, hands in his pockets. She could understand that. Lily hated sitting when someone was looming over her. She opened her mouth to tell him to keep the table when: “I was just waiting for someone—”

Dread encapsulated her. Dots which she really didn’t need at that moment connected. “Who?” She asked urgently.

He blinked at her. “Who?” She asked again, impatient and nervous and scared and excited and disgusted and anxious and apprehensive all at once.

“Just a, er, friend— we’ve never met before so this was the meeting place we decided – but she’s late—”

“A pen-pal?” She asked quietly. “Eff?”

Wonder took over his face. He smiled blindingly, hand lifting as though to touch her face before he put it down. “Flower?” He said quietly.

They stared at one another for a moment.

“I can’t believe it’s you—” He laughed lightly.

James Potter. James Potter. The one who’d tugged on her pigtails and dumped paint all over her and teased her about her drawing and told her she was beautiful and amazing and relentlessly persecuted Sev and partnered with her for a Science Project and won the lacrosse championship for their school.

James Potter.

Was Eff. Effermont. Who was always cheerful, had ready jokes, was arrogantly charming, a shoulder for her to cry on, and was the one person she trusted and relied on most.

Whom she was in love with.

Feeling suffocated and trapped all of a sudden, she turned. “I can’t either,” she snapped curtly, walking briskly outside.

“Hey, Evans? What – where are you – Flower!”

Ignoring the urge to stop at the final call, she jogged back home, burying the need to cry deep inside.

“I. . . Don’t get it, Lils.” Mary said, frowning. “So the pen-pal you were head-over-heels for turns out to be a guy with a great bod and an even better brain? What’s to whine about?”

Lily stared at her best friend disbelievingly. “You don’t get it? Mare! It’s James Potter! I’m in love with James Potter!”

“Yeah. So?”

“It’s. . .” Lily couldn’t help it; she got up and began to pace. “It’s so. . . Confusing, I guess. I mean. I didn’t like Potter. I still don’t like him, frankly.”

“Oh, not this again,” Mary groaned. “Come on, Lily. Haven’t you been dragging this high school feud long enough?”

“He was an asshole!” Lily raged. “He bullied Sev!”

“Who gave back every bit he got,” she pointed out. “Look, I’m not saying Potter was right to do it, ganging up on Snape and doing all those awful things to him. It was terrible. It was wrong. But. . . It was years ago. You got to know Potter in a completely new, objective way. And you fell in love with him. Doesn’t that say something?”

Lily scowled, turning away from her friend. It did. It said several things.

It wasn’t as though she’d only hated Potter, even back then in high school. He’d asked her out repetitively during that one phase. He’d managed to cheer her up with his dumb jokes more than one time. He’d been an excellent partner for that one project they’d been paired up for. He’d been the only one who could keep up with her in the Debate Team – they’d used to argue until they were breathless, chests heaving.

Knowing Potter had been exhilarating even then. He was a constantly tempestuous ride, and she’d never known which side she was about to get – awkward Potter who couldn’t string together a sentence around her, the coolly confident one who teased and argued with her, the passionate jock she’d cheer on in the field, the bullying toerag who got off on the misery of others.

He was a dichotomy. Always.

But she’d never once gotten that vibe from Eff. Could he be arrogant, condescending, disregarding of others’ feelings occasionally and accidentally? Sure. But he was a good man at heart. Lily wouldn’t have set up a meeting if she didn’t believe that.

But Eff being James Potter. . .

And she was The Unattainable Angel. She, Lily Evans! She couldn’t believe it. And she couldn’t deny that thought made her heart flutter in a way it hadn’t in years.

Her mind made the decision quickly. “Okay. Yes. You’re right.” Her heart was pounding.

“I cannot believe you said that!” Mary cheered. “The Best To-Be Lawyer and Judge in the world said I’m right! Woohoo! Where’s my phone, I need to record this.”

“Shut up.” Lily rolled her eyes, ducking her head at the compliments. “But. . . I don’t have his number. What do I do? What if he hates me? What if—”

“Lil. Chill. That guy isn’t capable of hating you,” Mary said reassuringly. “And you have his best mate’s number. Call Lupin. Ask him to . . . I don’t know, connect you with Potter.”

“Okay,” Lily breathed, rubbing at her chest. “Okay. Thanks, Mare. You’re the best.”

“I know.” Her friend smiled smugly. “Go get him, girl!”

Hey, she texted Remus.

Hey, came a text back, only five minutes later. What’s up?

Can you send me Potter’s number? She asked without preamble.

There were the three dots, indicating he was typing. Then they disappeared. And reappeared.

You really hurt him, Lily, was the final message.

She stared at it. Tapped on the screen while she figured out her reply.

I know. I want to make up for it.

There. She thought that conveyed the sentiment, even though the phrasing was awkward and not her best. She just. . . Really couldn’t think about anything. Love had that effect.

There was no reply in words – just a number. Heart pounding, she sent him a thank you before saving Potter’s number in her mobile and starting to message him.

She went through several drafts in her head before she decided he would appreciate casualness the best.

Hi, Eff, she sent. I’m so sorry about today. Do over?

As Her Floweriness commands, was the reply, setting her at ease the way only he could do. The main fountain on the school campus okay with you, Evans? Tomorrow evening, 7:00?

Absolutely. See you then, Potter.

No running away this time?

Definitely not.

And it was done. Lily rolled over in her bed, grabbing her pen and journal, an idea striking her.

There was no better way.

She sat on the fountain, watching the water spring from the funnel, tired and excited and scared. Snow fell around her, landing softly. It was only fair, Lily supposed, that she be the one to wait this time. Still. It wasn’t easy.

“Evans,” someone breathed, and Lily spun around hastily, nearly tripping into the water. He caught her, one hand around her waist and the other grabbing hers. “Easy there.”

She froze, tingling sensations spreading from the place his hands touched. She wanted to stay there forever. She wanted to rip herself away. She turned to him slowly. “Potter.”

He let go of her, stuffing his hands in his pockets, the corners of his eyes crinkling. She felt oddly bereft.

“I, um—”

“Maybe we should—”

They paused, having started speaking at the same time. Lily cleared her throat. “I. Wrote this for you.” She thrust her letter at him.

He blinked at it. “Wow.” Why didn’t he take it? Did he hate her? Did he not want it? Did he have some other idea of how this was going to go? Was he— “That’s weird. I wrote a letter for you too.” He took something out of his pocket: an envelope.

They stared at one another. She couldn’t believe they’d had the same idea. It was ridiculous. Connecting. Soulmating, if she believed in those crap romance novels Eliza liked to read. Hand trembling, she reached out to take his. They exchanged envelopes.

Lily tore her eyes from his face to the letter in her hands.

Lily-Flower,

Thanks for running away, Evans. I really needed that. Real nice of you—

Sorry about that. Just. . . Got a bit angry.

Hey, Flower. I can’t believe you’re Lily Evans. The girl I’ve been pining over like an idiot since high school. Yes, you can gasp in shock and recoil in disgust. Doesn’t change the fact that I’ve got a massive crush on you.

No. That doesn’t sum it up.

I am absolutely, utterly, horrendously in love with you.

I don’t have the way with words you do. So. . . I’m not sure how. . . I guess I was halfway there even with my friend and pen-pal Flower. Padfoot, Moony and Wormtail always used to get these looks on their faces whenever I told them about the letters. But I was too hung up on you, Evans. You were. Well. You were The Unattainable Angel after all.

First and foremost, you’re my friend. And you don’t have to be. If you never want to see me again, call quits on the letters, that’s fine. I just hope you read this. One last letter from Effermont to Flower, eh?

I guess I can tell you why I picked that name now. My mum’s name is Euphemia. And you know my dad’s name is Fleamont. It was a kind of combination of their names. Plus, it sounds a bit like effeminate – which, I know is sometimes used as a slur, but you thought I was a girl when we first began writing. It was a joke.

A mean one. I know. I thought a lot about why you ran away like that. I was angry. Hurt. Still am, honestly. But I guess I can understand. I know you, Flower. I know you pretty well. So I can understand you running away to deal with your emotions.

I just hope you don’t mind this contact.

I haven’t. . . Always been the best person. I know that. And I don’t think I would have liked the person I would have turned out to be if I had continued like that. It’s. Hard. I was always arrogant, entitled, and jealous and bullying. . . And. It’s hard to describe.

And I know you hated me back then in high school, especially when I asked you out – which was all serious, by the way. I know you thought that me making a production of it was because it was a joke. It wasn’t.

Your hating me’s your prerogative, obviously.

I suppose I understand reconciling your friend with someone you loathe is hard.

Anyway. I’m just writing this to say. . . It’s okay. Whatever you want to do.

And I am still as in love with you as ever, Lily Evans. I didn’t need you to sing in the assembly like Peeta did (I hope you appreciate me making an Everlark reference). I just am. Have been for ages. Seems, at this point, like I always will be.

Yours,

Eff James Potter

Lily swallowed. She lowered the letter, looking at Potter. His face was intent, hopeful, wary. He was obviously done with her letter, folding it over and over in his hands.

“Since high school?” She whispered. “All those times. . . You were serious?”

He huffed out a laugh. “Yeah, Lily. I really, really was.”

He was calling her Lily now, she noticed vaguely. “You said whatever I want to do, you’re okay with it,” she said.

A flash of uncertainty. “Yeah. ‘Course. I meant that. Still do.” he assured her.

“And you don’t understand from my letter what that would be?” She asked, tone slightly teasing.

“Weeeeeell. . .” He dragged out the word, smirking a lopsided grin that made him very attractive. “You could stand to be a bit clearer.”

“Okay,” she said softly, walking closer to him. She could see the way snow fell on his head, the way the droplets clung to his lashes. The way his eyes, the golden flecks in the hazel, softened when they landed on her. “I am ardently, steadfastly, horrendously in love with you, Eff. James Potter.”

And she leaned up and kissed him.

He gasped, still for a moment, before kissing back. The pressure was electric. It was comforting. It was warmth, in the snowy winter around them. His arm came up against her back, lightly pressing, supporting. Her hands trailed up to his shoulders.

They parted, saying nothing for a long moment, staring at one another softly. James cleared his throat. “You’ve – got some snow here,” he patted it off her shoulder gently, letting his hand linger, his thumb brushing her collarbone.

She shivered, not entirely due to the cold. “Ugh. I hate snow.” She complained, still lightheaded from the kissing. “I loathe the winter.”

He smiled, a small quirk of his lips. “Yeah, I know.” He took her hand bringing it up to his lips. “Not only bad things happen in winter, though.”

She felt her own face light up in response, curling her hand with his, interlocking their fingers. “I suppose not.” Lily replied. “You still can’t say anything good about the snow though.”

“She says to the snow artist. . .”

And they bickered, walking hand-in-hand through the snow.

[padfootastic]

Hey padfootastic,

Was scrolling through hp posts and saw a post where people were fighting over Remus situation. So just wanted to know your opinion bout it. Do you think Remus could have done better in PoA? He was a professor, responsible for the safety of others.

No matter how much I love Sirius but at that time he wasn't innocent in others mind, so hiding a big detail that could have affected the whole situation, hell, had Sirius really had been behind harry, he would have been dead cause our little innocent Remus here thought that it was a good idea to not tell them how Sirius had all the resources at his disposal. How easy it was for him to sneak into Hogwarts and harm harry and others.

It really was dangerous and well indirectly he did prove Snape right no? What do you think could have happened had Remus had guts to tell Dumbledore about Sirius being an animagus?

On the other side, oh man! I can imagine Sirius being all furious and depressed at the same time. He'd need to go for another plan, he'd think that now he won't be able to even see Harry easily and many more difficulties. Ugh

Imagine the angst after after innocence thing, Sirius letting go any single drop of love he might have had for Remus and treating him like a any other person. No different. Remus hating himself more and more and Sirius just. Not. Giving a. Single. eff. About the whole damn thing. I cant-

Please tell me what you think bout the whole situation.

yoooooo

i love this lol people asking me for my remus opinions never gets old bc i have endless salt to provide. i will never not be annoyed by that cretin.

okay so. PoA. i don’t often focus on that part of his whole arc (which is, funnily enough, one of the only concessions to remus’ ‘flaws’ that i’ve seen the remus fans give lol) but it’s honestly so??? like it’s literally one of the best examples we have of how self preservation is literally built into his core. iirc he doesn’t do it bc he’s afraid of how dumbledore would perceive him? doesn’t want him to know how they (he) broke his trust? and he’s willing to damn an entire school of students PLUS his best friends son to an alleged mass murderer for it. he will have that on his conscience rather than self introspection a bit and get thru the hard part.

i’ve seen people call him brave for a variety of reasons which all begin and end w his lycanthropy but i’m gonna be honest, he’s one of the most cowardly characters in the series in my opinion. every single time he has to make an active decision that might compromise his sense of self/perception or even just his peace of mind, he backs off. retreats. runs the fuck away. attacks outward. doesn’t take responsibility.

i think snape was both right, in that remus was helping sirius but wrong, because it wasn’t out of any friendship or responsibility. it was just a way to save face for himself. also probably him not wanting to confront any difficult feelings or memories.

wrt if he had told dumbledore? man idek. i literally can’t imagine it and surprisingly, haven’t read any fics exploring that option either 🤔 sus, that. also very telling lol maybe tightened security? disappointed dumbles? i cant see any major changes tho bc even sirius as a grim was pretty well hidden except maybe anti animagus wards if those r a thing?

also yes!!! i think sirius should be allowed to be angry and disappointed more often. he should be spitting mad about the fact that not only did remus not care a lick about harry, he also gave up so easily on sirius. i think he should be allowed that space.

[punk-chicken-radio]

shut the eff up.

hoo boy do i relate to this one lately. not in a 'you're annoying me' way as much as a 'i am talked out please allow 4-6 weeks for processing on the conversation you'd like to have with me' kind of way. but today's theme def leans more towards the 'shut the everlovingfuck up'. which is universal.

fortunately for me, @theoldsmelly is not only laconic, but mostly only converses by sending me photos of cats and new crocs. so he's always good in my book. on the other end of the spectrum, one of my girlfriends sends me seemingly 57 stream of consciousness texts every day that make me super glad emojis exist. love her, but i can only read so much, i'm old, my eyes are tired.

people mean well, but you just ain't got the energy for all that some days.

then there are the times where everyone's talking a bunch of nonsense and smack, and you just have to take control of the whole group (is that just me? am i just that bossy? idk anymore) and tell it like it is. sometimes what a situation calls for is a loud southern lady to swoop in and set things right.

you know what's coming next....songs about hushing up, shutting up, and people who yammer on until you start looking for your earbuds to pop in and drown them out with some music....like these songs.

love (i need some joy) axiomatic and the old (you got me 🥳) smelly

[respectthepetty]

Beloved RTP I must disagree, your recommendations are GREAT. I recently took your recommendation and watched Mama Gogo for Earth Pirapat thirst reasons and I had an AMAZING TIME WHAT A BANGER OF A SHOW

Anon, you write that, but I know what I like is trash. I'm going to live in my truth. I'm solely making decisions based on my hard requirements and VIBES:

Don't bury the gay (MANDATORY!)

Be gay. Do crime! aka "Eff the police" (literally and figuratively)

I'm a messy bi, and I'll cry if I want to

Adulting is hard like my sexual attraction for you

Vice Vers(a) - Flipping the norms and changing dynamics

A show must give me two out of the four, which the ever-excellent Mama Gogo did (JOJO SUPREMACY!) but even when shows are great, like I Told Sunset About You, my petty ass won't recommend it based solely on my dislike of Teh. He is not a vibe. He is the opposite of a vibe. I don't know what the opposite of a vibe is, but he is it. And so is Ciaro from Gameboys. Just wrecking the vibe every time like a white man in khakis.

And no, I'm not making light of them crying. I'm horribly trying to explain that they were always the reason they were crying. It's hard to cheer for someone when they are the cause of all their problems, PHU!

So unlike others on this hellsite who can be objective, I'm over here in my tiny corner being the reason Phi Phi O’Hara yelled "Go back to Party City where you belong" in season 4 of RuPaul's Drag Race because I be straight clowning ALL THE TIME!

Case & Point:

I LOVED Hit, Bite, Love. Unironically. This show holds a 6.2 rating on MyDramaList. A majority of the most trusted voices in these BL Tumblr streets did not finish it. But for me, I ate it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, plus snacks on the weekend. This show fed me well. And if I really get a second season, I will be unstoppable!

Because pair that with Big Dragon, which holds a 7.3 rating, yet is getting a second season, I'm going to turn into the most annoying Disney villain, Darla from Finding Nemo, just tapping on the glass and shit making all of y'all miserable.

Once again, HIStory 4: Close to Me is my favorite HIStory! Y'all HIStory 3: Trapped exists, and I will still pick HIStory 4 every single damn time. HIStory 4 is rated a 7.6 while HIStory 3 holds an 8.4, but I don't give a flying fudge monkey because these are my stepbrothers in love, and you will have to pry them from my cold dead hands before I turn my back on them.

Homie, babe, mutual, sibling in BL-fandom, you don't want what I'm serving. I promise. I'm a dumpster fire.

My #1 show of 2022 was Love Mechanics because I see myself in smart sluts . . . and the dumb ones too.

Like 3oh!3 sang, "Don't trust a ho"

[the-al-chemist]

Game, Bet, and Match

A gift for @slytherindisaster. Happy Christmas, Lils. Thank you for the light and laughs you and your work bring into my life, and thank you for bringing Lys into Ethel’s, even if it was kicking and screaming.

Summary: Ethel is not happy when her old rival is given her family’s spare ticket to the Boxing Day Quidditch match. Warnings: Ethelys.

Christmas Day was over, the presents had all been unwrapped, and most of the turkey had eaten. Ethel did not mind that, however, because Boxing Day brought with it its own tradition, one she looked forward to every year: Quidditch.

It was customary for the Chudley Cannons - the greatest Quidditch team in the country - to play a match against one of the league’s other, far inferior teams the day after Christmas, and with her uncle as the Cannons’ manager, Ethel’s entire family always had top tickets. This year, the family had one more ticket than the year before, thanks to her brother Jim’s wedding in the spring.

But, when the family arrived at the Quidditch stadium on Dartmoor, Ethel’s new sister-in-law was nowhere to be seen.

“Jim, where is Héloïse?” asked Ethel’s mother, her eyes filled with concern.

“Well, I am afraid that Héloïse is… is feeling rather unwell this morning.”

“So she will not be joining us?”

“Unfortunately not.”

“Oh, Jimmy, you should have said before we left,” Ethel sighed. “I could have invited a friend to spare having an empty seat.”

Jim’s cheeks turned beetroot red. “Ah. Well, Héloïse has in fact… That is to say, she has already taken it upon herself to… to invite someone in her stead.”

Ethel narrowed her eyes at her brother, his pronounced stutter and darkening cheeks making her suspicious. “Who?”

“Um… Uh… Well, that would be Lysander.”

“Lysander Mercury?”

“Uh, yes. Yes indeed.”

“Oh, Jimmy!” Ethel shook her head, annoyed at both her brother and her own flushing face. “What did you do that for?”

“I… Lysander is my friend,” said Jim, frowning. Ethel rolled her eyes. “And it wasn't me. It was Héloïse.”

“In which case I shall be letting Héloïse know the next time I see her that she has ruined Christmas.”

The heat continued to rise in Ethel’s face as she stormed away from her treacherous brother and climbed the stairs to take her seat in the stands. She felt warmer still as she reached her destination only to find that Lysander Mercury was already there. His hair blushed pink and he gave her an awkward sort of smile, which she had to make a conscious effort not to return.

“Good Christmas, Eff?” asked Lysander. Ethel sighed loudly.

“It was,” she said pointedly, fixing her eyes on the pitch and trying to ignore how close Lysander was standing to her, a task that became harder as he leant across her to shake hands with her family by way of greeting. His sleeve brushed hers, and she cursed herself silently for the fact that she actually looked down at his hand. Realising that her eyes were lingering, she screwed them shut before opening them again.

On the pitch, players in bright orange robes were flying out. Her spirits greatly lifted, she began to cheer and clap for her beloved Chudley Cannons, along with the crowd around her.

Most of them, anyway.

“Why are you not cheering for the Cannons, Lysander?” she asked. “Don’t tell me that you’re supporting Tutshill Tornadoes.”

“They are my closest team,” said Lysander. “And they are a better team.”

Ethel scoffed loudly. “You are mistaken, Lysander.”

“I am not. They did far better than the Cannons last season-”

“A mere fluke. That was dumb luck and you know it.”

“- and they have Plumpton.”

“Who?”

“Roderick Plumpton. Their Seeker.”

Ethel shrugged. “Never heard of him.”

“You’ve never heard of Roderick Plumpton?” Lysander’s eyes widened, before he smirked his infuriating smirk. “And I thought you knew about Quidditch.”

“I do know about Quidditch! I am incredibly knowledgeable about the sport, as well you know, which means that if I have not heard of this Plimpyton-”

“Plumpton.”

“- then this will simply be because he is neither well renowned nor respected as a player. Really, Lysander, I doubt that he is any good at all.”

“Well, then the English national team must be quite in the wrong. They have just signed him for the next World Cup,” Lysander frowned, but his eyes still glinted mischievously. “It’s such a shame that they didn’t have the forethought to consult such a well renowned and respected Quidditch aficionado as yourself, Eff.” Ethel glowered at him, and he grinned. “Don’t give me that look. You know, I’ll be more than happy to eat my words if I am wrong.”

“Only if?”

“You are very assured of your opinion today, Ethel Hexley.”

“I am always assured of my opinion, Lysander Mercury, especially when it is pitted against an opinion such as yours.”

“Very well, then,” Lysander raised one eyebrow. “In this case, I propose a small wager. One Galleon says that Plumpton will catch the Snitch before the Cannons’ Seeker.”

“A Galleon?”

“We can make it less if you’re concerned about parting with such a sum.”

“Not at all, I just thought that it might be too much for you to afford, judging by the state of your clothes.”

“What’s wrong with my clothes?”

“I’m not sure where to start. I've seen house elves who dress better.”

Ethel smirked as she returned her gaze to the pitch, where the Quaffle was being released. A loud whistle pierced her ears, and the two teams set off, soaring into action in blurs of blue and orange.

The game quickly got off to a good start, with the Cannons scoring the first goal just five minutes into the match. A little over an hour later, they were still in the lead, forty points ahead of the Tornadoes.

“Yes!” she shouted, clapping her hands together excitedly as they scored yet another goal. “What was that you were saying about the Tornadoes being the better team, Lysander?”

Unfortunately, though, Ethel had spoken too soon, for a moment later, the Tornadoes’ Seeker zoomed across the pitch at a great speed, his eyes fixed on something she could not see in the distance.

“Yes, Plumpton!” Lysander shouted. “Go Tornadoes!”

The Seeker for the Cannons had responded to Plumpton’s sudden burst of speed, accelerating towards him in the hope of catching up. They were not doing badly in their endeavour either, for it appeared that Plumpton’s lead was diminishing by the second.

“Go Cannons!”

“Go Plumpton!”

“Go, go, go!”

The two Seekers were now neck-and-neck, and both Lysander and Ethel were hollering, whistling, bellowing, shouting from the very bottoms of their lungs. People around them were staring, but Ethel did not care, and it seemed that Lysander did not either. The pair of them grew louder still as the two Seekers descended into a dive, both of them with an arm extended, their fingers outstretched as they both reached for…

“The Snitch!” Lysander shouted, as Plumpton pulled out of the dive, his arm raised triumphantly, his fingers gripped tightly around something small and golden. “He’s caught the Snitch!”

The Tornadoes supporters were cheering, and Ethel’s relatives applauded politely. Lysander raised his eyebrows and turned to face the scowling Ethel.

“Ethel Hexley, I do believe that you owe me a Galleon.”

Ethel took a deep breath as she reached into the pocket of her cloak and pulled out a slightly battered velvet coin purse. She retrieved a single gold Galleon from the purse and held it out to Lysander, who reached out to take it from her.

At that very moment, someone in the stands moved to get past them, knocking Ethel into Lysander’s chest. He placed both his hands on her elbows as if to steady her, and for a moment, their eyes locked. Ethel felt her cheeks flush, and Lysander’s hair turned pink.

“My Galleon!” Ethel said, wriggling away from Lysander as he snatched his hands away. She looked down at the wooden slats below her feet. The Galleon was not there. “Where did my Galleon go?”

It must have fallen down through the slatted floor, so without another word, Ethel disapparated down below the wooden stands to look for her lost Galleon. There was a loud crack behind her, and Lysander appeared out of thin air.

“What are you doing here?”

“I thought I’d help you look.”

“I don’t need your help, Lysander.”

“Maybe not, but I’m helping you anyway.”

Ethel narrowed her eyes. “Why?”

“Because you just lost a bet to me. Technically, that’s my Galleon, not yours.”

“Well, in that case,” Ethel took out her coin purse and fetched another Galleon - her only other Galleon - from it, “you can have this one and leave me be.”

Lysander shook his pink-haired head. “I don’t want that one.”

“Why not? It’s exactly the same as the other one.”

“Not quite. The other one is lost.”

“Exactly. At least this way your debt is paid even if I don’t find it.”

“But what about you?” Lysander frowned.

“What about me?”

“If you don’t find it you’ll have lost two Galleons and not one,” he explained. “Whereas if you say the lost one is mine and it remains lost, I will have the same number of Galleons as I did before. Besides, it was I who dropped the Galleon.”

“No,” Ethel told him briskly. “I was the one who dropped it. And besides, it’s a matter of pride. I lost the wager, so I shall honour my debt to you.” She waved her last Galleon at Lysander. “Just take it and be done with it.”

Lysander swallowed as he looked from Ethel’s face to the gold coin and back again. Ethel held his gaze and tried to keep her face passive, but Lysander’s lips twitched.

“Very well,” he said. “I will take this Galleon” - he reached out and placed his hand over Ethel’s and she shuddered as she took in a breath - “on one condition.”

“And what might that condition be?”

“That I may spend this Galleon on taking you out for dinner at the new restaurant in Carkitt Market on New Year’s Eve.”

Ethel pursed her lips. “I’ll be in the Highlands for New Year’s Eve.”

“In which case, let us make it New Year’s Day,” Lysander suggested, his face the picture of innocence. “Come on, Eff. You’ll be getting far more for your Galleons this way.”

Before Ethel could form a response to Lysander’s offer, the sound of people descending from the stands above echoed through the space below. As she recognised some of the voices as those of her family, she jumped back away from Lysander, and he stepped back from her, her last Galleon still resting on his palm.

“The offer’s on the table, Ethel,” he told her. “You can take that Galleon back if you want.” He raised his eyebrows. “Three… Two… One…”

For the first time in her life, Ethel wasn’t certain what she should say. If she took back her Galleon, she would not just have lost a wager to Lysander, but also would lose her pride as well. However, if she let him keep the Galleon, then she was admitting defeat in another way; allowing Lysander to take her out for dinner, and admitting to herself that she would not mind his doing so.

But while she was still considering her next move, Lysander had finished his countdown. He closed his hand over the Galleon and put it into his pocket, smirking.

“I’ll see you on New Year’s Day, then,” he said, before he walked away from Ethel and out from the stands, where his hair looked rosier than ever in the glow of the midwinter sunshine.

[simonalkenmayer]

This may be a stupid question I can google but what the eff did people do before things like lighters and matches? I just lit a spliff from a candle and thought “I bet that’s been done eighty bajillion times”

Ahhhh

Well, this is going to be some text eh?

Firstly remember that there were some other things going on around then and in accordance with the “mobile fire” question. We had no other way of lighting, first of all, than candle or lantern. Just keep that in mind. Because of this lighting issue, it was not uncommon to simply go to bed when it got dark and wake up when it got light. Very convenient. A trifle boring, especially in winter when nights are long.

Track your movements around the house. How many times do you adjust lighting by turning on or off a switch, using an audio command, dimming, changing color or tone, or hell, even just clapping your hands. None of that could happen. Instead we’d light a personal light source during the onset of evening, and then you’d carry it around with you for personal lighting.

Kerosene lanterns were very popular for this, as they could be dimmed by turning a little knob to the side. The knob rolled the wick up to make it shorter. The end of the wick is supplied with oil, and the little nib goes to a blue flame. If you wanted to get up for any reason, you could turn the wick back out, the light goes up and burns orange. The reason these were popular, is because lighting in the middle of the night was one of the most annoying experiences, before that type of lantern was invented.

Some homes would keep one candle lit, a good sturdy fellow, usually home made, to act as a kind of base from which people could light their own personal stubs. Usually it sat in a very heavy candlestick had a glass shade, on a landing or in a window (before curtains. Most buildings had shutters instead of glass during certain times). But it was almost inevitable that the light would go out at some point when you need it most.

The solutions?

Well allow me:

Solution 1: metal tongs to procure a coal from the fire and use it to light tinder. Tinder is like…well a bit like shredded wood. It is dry and grassy so it will catch a spark quickly. If you didn’t have a hot coal to catch the tinder, you would use either flint and steel striking tools, or a little contraption that makes sparks. Looks a bit like a big safety pin, which it is, except that where the head is, would be the little striking bit. Either way you must either have a previous fire or a spark. You’d light the tinder, burn yourself carrying it to a slightly bigger but more stable piece of wood, catching that, then catching the candle or lantern. It was annoying, it resulted in injury, and it often caused fires.

But remember I said there were some other things going on?

Think about the temperature of your home. It’s set on a neat little doohickey called a thermostat. Sounds very posh when you say it. That bugger is a computer that turns on and off your heating system, whenever the temperature goes above or below your preferred temp. Before that we had to feel it out and then walk over to the controls and change them. She’ll before that, there were no controls. You had to go down into the cellar and light the furnace, or… start a fire.

Most homes kept at least one fire going most of the day. In fact, the last thing one did before bed, was make sure the fire would either burn down during the night, or was out and stamped completely. The point is, there was no way to regulate temperature except to have a fire one could either build up or “turn down” and easily opened windows. To that end, there were a few things practically every home had beside the fire.

More logs (these varied in size because thinner burns quicker. Most often these were stacked in some kind of box or metal rack near the fire but away from it.)

Kindling and twigs (used to fill in space and catch swifter, for longer burning flames. This was usually kept with the logs in a bundle, basket, box, etc.)

Tinder (usually kept in its own box. You were very fancy if your tinder box was tin)

Strikers (again this could be a little tool or two bits you knock together. Little fire starter sets were a very popular gift, usually packages together in a decorative box or pouch

Tools like tongs, pokers, prongs, shovel, so on

Pail to catch bits, hood ash or sand. Useful if putting out a fire

Spit

Pot rack (just a hook that could hold a pot

Now the problem is, the chimney was also actually evolving at the same time, and fire maintenance was even more difficult in crowded places like London , or in buildings entirely made of highly flammable substances like wood, pitch, and hair (yes hair. It was mixed into plaster to strengthen it or into the lime used to patch. It was even used as insulation). Believe it or not there were wooden chimneys for a bit. Didn’t work out so well. Also turns out smoke itself is flammable. I know that seems stupid, but no. Smoke is black because of the debris in it. That debris is still particles of flammable material. If the temp is high enough and the smoke doesn’t choke out the oxygen point, a chimney of smoke can actually explode and take out the side of the whole structure. Because homes were built of a wooden frame filled in with lath (strips of wood) and plaster (hair). The chimney and fire structure would then be tacked on wherever needed, and connected the fireplaces of upper and lower floors. You could hear conversations easily that way. Did you also know that while making a roof out of pitch (tar) and sticks does make for waterproofing, it also makes for infernos of death? Smoke goes out of chimneys. Get too many embers moving up it and they float out and down. This is what caused the Chicago fire, for example. After the Great Fire of London, caused by a bakers oven fire not going completely out, the laws changed to mandate specific things for the common good—no more pitch roof, no more jetties (these are overhangs that were Cantilevered outward such that upper floors were bigger than lower. Often buildings on opposite sides of the street would damn near touch. Some parts of London were always dark because of this. The streets could be tunnel like, and this made for easy fire movement. No more wooden homes. Slowly brick and stone became easier, bricks changed to meet demand, and so on.

Let’s recap:

Every house had a fire going in their kitchen or main room from which to light a candle or lantern. This process was cumbersome. It was very common to knock on a window or door, have someone stick a head out, ask to borrow a coal, and have giant iron tongs with a burning lump on one end stuck in your face for your trouble. But if there was no fire to be had, one would use either a striking set, or tool, or even a lens (yes we knew how to do that but it only works on sunny days).

Controlling fire is a constant hazard, and the history of how cities have handled that is actually a fascinating one—similar to water security. I know it sounds like the most boring subject but I promise it isn’t. Water rights alone make up the vast majority of major conflicts on earth believe it or not. In any case, I still think that most average people were far far more competent with fire than is the average person today.

Now you may also say “wait a moment Simon. How did you get this all done if there was water” and there was always water. Remember the climate has also changed. Water and weather were a constant issue. Yes, damp did make getting a fire going sometimes utterly impossible just as it still does. When this happened chum…only two solutions. 1. Dry out your kindling and wood by any means necessary. 2. Burn in something like a fire place or barrel, that has been kept dry. You’d often see people wrapping tinder in waterproof things like waxed wool or leather. It was absolutely annoying. Hence matches.

But one other key fact: fire was also seen as being a purifier. It was even believed that it could kill “miasmas” which were clouds of noxious fumes? that supposedly carried disease (we didn’t know about microscopes or particles yet) so at public events, it wasn’t uncommon to have fire barrels near the entrance not just to draw with light, but to sterilize folks as they came in, and provide heat for those milling about. In fact, during the plague, fire barrels were scattered throughout the city to kill the disease. So during that time, London was both well lit and a fire hazard in a drought.

Charming.

But let’s talk about the match because this is actually fascinating. Recall that my education and life was lived mostly in Europe. My experiences may be older than yours, but they bear remarkable similarity given the reach of Catholicism. At any rate, I was both tickled and astounded to discover (years ago obviously) that the Chinese invented the match literally 1000 years before the western world. Phosphorous is combustible—and Chinese history tells of little pine sticks that were impregnated with phosphorous. They have to be ground against something to obtain the friction necessary to light the phosphorous, or be touched to a reasonably hot ember.

There was a not too small flirtation with chemical matches, which had little crushable vials and the feeling of taking your life into your own hands scientifically., a kind of early precursor to today’s lighter, I suppose.

But yes…

That was how we did it. It was damn annoying.

Luckily, I see in the dark and do not require warmth like you all do. I’ve never had a house burn down in my care. I take fire safety seriously. But I suppose if you had lived through all the fires I have, you’d be cautious too. These days there are large wild fires that threaten cities, and that is something no one can stop, unless we tackle climate.

Ah but to your mention of the spliff and candle—when tobacco took hold of Europe, it was not uncommon to see little tobacco care sets. They were usually assembled by the person over time and laid out on the table in say…a drawing room or office, as a kind of nod to both the ostentation and wealth. Usually there’d be a tobacco box, pipe tools, striker, tinder box, candle/stifle, and a little pair of tongs for grabbing embers to light.

But yes, most people smoked via the hood old cable or tongs methods. I’d personally always begin my pipe by plucking an ember and laying it over the opening on my pipe. Puff like that for a minute or so, and you have both a lit pipe, and a little lump of coal.

Anyway, I hope that helps.

[hellsbellschime]

So I know mentioned that I have weirdly bad luck a few days ago, and although this happened on Sunday and I just didn't have the energy to chronicle it until now, it is such a hilariously on-point example that I'm a Murphy's law magnet that I can't not share.

So, I went to Las Vegas with my cousin last week and generally had a good time, aside from the fact that I'm pretty sure I broke a bone in my foot and/or toe the day he arrived in California to hang before we left, which obviously made traveling in general or doing a lot of fun shit way more difficult (and I'm finally going to go see a doctor about it tomorrow or Thursday so fingers crossed they don't tell me anything terrible).

Sunday was the day I left, and because I have a Priority Pass I left the hotel at like 4:30am so I could go grab a free breakfast at the airport lounge before I go. I get there, do this automated ordering thing, get a confirmation number and everything, and it says that it should be ready in 15 minutes or less. Because I'm dumb and don't recall that everything that can go wrong for me will go wrong, I don't note when I made the order, and eventually realize it has been 30 minutes at least and it's basically time for me to go. I track down an employee and ask WTF, and they're like oh yeah we got no order and we can't give you anything to go, sorry. Which already had me annoyed, but whatever, it's a flight from Las Vegas to Los Angeles, it's 7am and it'd be bizarre if I wasn't home by 10am.

So I get on the plane, fly home, everything seems to be fine. I arrive, text my mom that I've landed, go down and collect my luggage, and wait. And wait. And wait and wait. Eventually calling her like 10 times during that hour to see what the eff is going on.

After waiting in the terminal for about an hour, I decide to go start looking for her, as I'm guessing she must have forgotten her phone, and to be fair, I did tell her that it would be one of two terminals that I would land in. So I walk to the other terminal, no dice. I know she'll be driving my new EV, so I think hey, maybe I should check out the EV parking areas to see if she's even here. I do that, no dice. I do a few laps in the airport again, still no luck. All of this on an injured effing foot mind you.

By the time I have gone through all this rigmarole, it has legitimately killed another hour of waiting (LAX is fucking huge if you didn't know). At this point I am legitimately starting to get concerned, and I think hey, my car is brand new and all tech-equipped, maybe I can do something with that and at least see if the car is parked at my house, at the airport, or en route somewhere else.

So although I hadn't signed up for the service yet because my car is legit brand new, I text OnStar to see if there is any assistance they can give me. They eventually tell me to get on a call and I do, and because I haven't actually signed up for anything they ask me a series of questions to figure out how they can track down my shit. They ultimately ask me for my VIN which I surprisingly do have because I at least signed up for the Chevy app on my phone, and they're like oh this VIN (on my brand new car that has been owned by no one else mind you) has a registered OnStar account to some guy name Frank who I've never heard of in my life. I'm like okay, maybe the zero in my VIN number is actually an O, so they try that and are like nope there's nothing here it's definitely the Frank account or whatnot, but we can't help you either way.

But thankfully, they at least offer to transfer me to someone who works at Chevy to see if they can do something about it as well. They ping me over to them and we essentially go through the exact same process again, down to them telling me that some dude named Frank has an account under my VIN and that ultimately there is nothing that they can do. They're basically like, eh, call the cops or you're SOL.

At this point another hour plus has gone by and my concern and frustration is through the roof, and I'm basically like well I could call the cops, but if I know my mom, she's just blowing me off or screwed something up rather than it being an emergency. So I decide that I should find a way home by myself, and I better figure it out fast because my phone battery is now at like 20%. Lyft, Uber, and cabs were too much, but there is an express bus from LAX to Union Station that runs often and it's sorta in the direction of my house, so I download that app, buy a one way ticket, and wait for the bus to show up.

In case it wasn't obvious, I have also been incessantly calling my mom this entire time, but once I have bought my ticket and am waiting, despite the fact that I have called 30+ times to no avail and I landed at 8 and it is now 10 to noon, she FINALLY picks up the phone, very clearly just waking up from sleep. Unsurprisingly I am a tsunami of rage and basically say okay cool, glad you're okay, already figured out how to get home, gotta go, don't want to deal with your shit at the moment.

So I take the bus to Union Station and then take the metro rail toward my house (which sidenote, 10/10 recommend LA metro rail, even if the train isn't the cleanest holy shit the views were actually spectacular, it was super fast, and I legit regretted never having taken the train in the city before then). The station in my town is like 2 miles from my house, I ask my mom to pick me up, she says yes, and once again I'm sitting outside at 1pm in 100+ degree heat, waiting with very little shade. After waiting for like 20 minutes I'm like hey, do I want to sit here waiting forever again or should I start walking? So I start walking home with luggage in tow, and tell her that I'm starting to walk home so if she finds me she finds me and if not I'll be there when I get there.

I, no joke, make it 1.6 out of the 2 miles before she actually arrives. I tell her to GTFO of the driver's seat so I can drive home and immediately start charging my now nearly-dead phone, I hop in, and immediately see that the battery gauge on the car is flashing on "low" and the battery is low enough that it is minimizing the actual propulsion of the car. Thankfully we are right next to the DC fast charging stations near my house, so I immediately turn into the parking lot. Not so thankfully but entirely as usual, there are three cars in line waiting before me. I tell my mom to once again GTFO and go into the nearby mall so I can wait, and because the battery is so low, I lower all of the windows and turn the car off, once again waiting in 100+ degree heat.

It takes 20-25 minutes for me to get to the front of the line, and because Electrify America charging stations are garbage, I get the actual charger to connect to my car but the card reader is not working. I call EA assistance to pay on my almost dead phone, and as I am giving her my card info, the call starts breaking up hardcore. It disconnects, but thankfully the agent calls me back and finishes the transaction so the car can start charging the battery that now literally has 3% power and I can also start charging my phone.

At this point I am so hot and sweaty that my hair is literally wet, and I'm like A. I'm dying and B. I actually probably need to rehydrate for my own safety, so I go into the mall and get a large Honeydew smoothie and large watermelon slush to bring myself back to life. I go back to the car because at this point I am beyond exhausted, my foot is killing, and I am dying to go home because I have been up since 4:30am and expected to be home 7 hours earlier, so once the car is just half charged I finally bail.

I go home, pass tf out, and wake up a few hours later with sunburns on both of my forearms.

So, if you were ever wondering what I meant when I said that I have genuinely weirdly, bizarrely bad luck, now you know.

[b1zmuth]

Chapter 1

‘’Welcome Home.’’

⋆⁺｡˚⋆˙‧₊☽ ◯ ☾₊‧˙⋆˚｡⁺⋆

Crossing the threshold from the mortal to the non-mortal realm is no easy task. 

That's of course, if you're a complete dumbass who doesn't understand or grip the simple concept of stealth. 

A lone white figure walks across the ethereal realm, bedazzled with crystals and moons that reflect one anothers light, stars that coat the room in a multitude of colors that show off its most important aspects, and the very apparent constellation-based theme of the realm.

Nothing is more beautiful than the unending light of the ethereal realm of Cosmica.

In this realm, it looked more on par with a lavish hotel lobby, with the exception of a long, winding river that divided the mortal side to the non-moral- with a transparent crystal bridge connecting the two. 

And so it begins that the white figure continues his constant stride, their steps never missing a beat and making a loud ‘’thump!’’ sound with every step- heads turning to investigate the obvious disturbance in silence.

It seems that they’ve gained the attention of the lobby.

Grins and smiles were flashed their way, with surprised and happy waves that were returned, all the way up to the reception desk which homed a nerdy-looking shadow, who was currently busy shoving his nose into the novel he was holding.

‘’Ah, Neutral! How was your mission?’’ The shadow said with a quirked head, ‘’You took a mighty long time with that one..covering for you was no easy task!’’ He said, flicking his wrist to the side and lowering his eyelids.. Or just turning his blue illuminated eyes into downwards-turned semi-circles.

‘’Sorry. Killing politicians and staying off of the radar of those damned eff-be-eye agents is just as much of a hassle.’’ The white figure said, digging in his pockets and fishing out some egg-shaped objects, and gently placing them on the counter.

The shadow quickly counted the amount of egg-shaped objects, that were more akinned to those ‘’soul core thingies’’ that he had seen in an anime called ‘’Madoka Magica’’? That's what he thinks the name is anyway. ‘’Six? Damn, that many politicians pissed off Shade? Do you know what they did?’’ 

‘’Guru- don't you think its time for a smoke break?’’ Neutral retorted, their hand quickly turning into a harsh point at the clock, and a small snort coming from the taller, masked person.

Only giving a small sigh in return, Guru slid out of his chair and walked into a nearby room- most likely going to retrieve a coworker to handle the rush hour wave- and walked back with said coworker, grabbing his pin-adorned messenger bag and meeting up with the snow-white male.

‘’Going on lunch break with your bag? Didnt know the anime figurines ate with you’’ Neutral snickered watching as the shorter male flashed him an annoyed look. ‘’I'm going HOME. decided after running into you and your jokes that I probably wouldn't be able to take Horrids bullshit cooking, no point on staying for my lunch break if HE is going to be delivering that excuse of a meal.’’ Guru sighed loudly, leaning his head back.

The taller male laughed, and now his full body could be seen- a white ski mask with goggles adorned his face, with a white ushanka to complement his mask- and you guessed it! A white puffer jacket with matching white pants to complete his outfit.

‘’If you just summoned his ass I swear I'm going to strangle you. You know he heads every call to his name.’’ Neutral crossed his arms, rolling his eyes at the thought of Horrid appearing to annoy him and ruin his peaceful afternoon, once a-fucking-gain.

‘’I outta scream his name 3 times right now just to spite you! Always teasing me for no reason..!’’ Guru rolled his eyes and pointed his shadowy hand at the blindingly white male beside him. ‘’Please don't.’’ the other responded, playfully slapping away the shadowy hand.

And so, they continued their walk. 

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‘’Well, thanks for walking with me again Neutral, did you want to come in and have a drink?’’ Guru smiled at the taller male and warmly invited him inside, who only declined in response. ‘’Nuh-uh, hell no, I do NOT want to step foot in your cum infested house, I feel infected with bacteria just standing here,  OUTSIDE of your door.’’

‘’Ugh! This is what I get for being a good samaritan!’’ Guru scoffed, flashing the bird at Neutral and slowly closing the door in his face. 

‘’Toodles!’’ Neutral said in a sing-song voice, holding up his hand as he turned to walk away and continue his walk towards his own house. With that fucking Horrid.

Luckily enough the walk back to his house wasn't far, just a small thirty-minute walk- 30 minutes of uninterrupted silence, peaceful silence that he had been longing for after his third assassination in the mortal realm- as much as he enjoys talking to Guru and his other roommate, the blissful silence is miles better.

‘’Oh right, the other roommate, Gray. 

If me and Horrid ever had some fucked up variation of a lovechild, Gray would be the unfortunate product- wait what? Eugh, I have to stop referring to Gray as our lovechild… he doesn't deserve that god-awful title.

…But it's true! Gray sometimes acts the same way as Horrid, but he usually acts like me- finding peace in solitude. By far he is my favorite person to be around- aside from Guru of course.’’

Neutral was lost in his thoughts, and I mean totally lost in his thoughts- all the way up until he noticed that he was about to pass his apartment- and groaned at the new thought of how he would play mental-mind-fuck with himself to guess who would be at home.

‘’Fuck that.’’ Neutral said, pulling out his phone and quickly dialing some numbers- listening to the line ring on his end. ‘’Yellur, this is Gray speaking, whaddya want?’’ An up-beat-toned voice came from Neutrals phone. 

‘’It's me, Gray. Are you at home?’’ He asked, praying that Gray would say he was at the house for once- ‘’Nah, I'm at the store getting some food for the house- Horrids with me by the way, havin' a hard time keeping his ass from stealing random shit.’’ Gray responded to Neutral, sighing over the phone and continuing to have some small talk with the other on the phone before eventually saying his goodbyes and hanging up.

‘’Thank fuck.’’ 

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The door to the shared apartment opens, revealing two males holding grocery bags, one on the left seemed to not have any head whatsoever, just wearing a grey beanie and matching silver shades to make up for his head, with a grey outfit.

The latter on the other had no eyes, just prominent teeth, a black beanie with black headphones, and a matching black puffer jacket + black jeans. 

Not to mention that both wore piercings, but only the black one wore facial. 

‘’Neuv! We got groceries!’’ The gray one called out, lifting his arms once he saw a groggy Neutral sleepily walk down the stairs who took some bags off of his arms and set them on the kitchen counter- ‘’What all did you two buy?’’ Neutral asked, starting to take some of the things out of the bags and sort them out. 

The gray one let out a small chuckle, going up to help with sorting out some of the items- ‘’The basic necessities, and some drinks… and uh some chew toys for Horrid’’ he responded nervously watching Neutral's expression fade, mainly worried about the fact that he would be pissed about him buying chew toys for Horrid... ‘’Oh, okay.’’

Now that was questionable. Usually Neutral gets pissed when Gray and Horrid spent his money on bullshit things, or if they didn't buy him his original flavored chips with queso dip to make up for it.. Gray did buy him that this time but buying something as bad as Horrid some TOYS? Yeah, chips and queso was not saving his ass. 

Two quick calling whistles came from Neutral- ‘’Horrid, c’mere.’’ to which Horrid, who was putting away perishables turned around and questioned his call but still listened, ‘’Heard you did a good job not mass murdering the innocent souls with Gray, so i dont mind you getting some new chew toys- will you stop chewing on me then?’’ He smiled under his mask, unbeknownst to the other two who thought he was being sarcastic and twisted.

‘’Yeah, whatever.. What are we going to watch tonight anyways?’’ 

‘’The ENTIRE fucking Conjuring series of course! What else would we watch? Dora the Explorer?’’ 

And so it came down to all three boys watching Dora the Explorer for the night, lighting up blunts and passing it around- making jokes at one another for their shared stupidass responses to Dora's questions and just all around having a great time together. 

‘’Neuv.’’ Horrid turned and looked at the taller male who was probably too high to even comprehend a full sentence- ‘’Yes Horrid, what do you want from me.’’ oh, maybe he can comprehend…

Horrid only snickered, taking a drag from the recently passed blunt- ‘’Welcome home, I missed yah.’’ puffs of smoke came out of his mouth with every word, before eventually passing the blunt to Neutral, who lifted his mask to right above his nose before pausing- ‘’As much as you fucking annoy me, I missed you too bud.’’ he responded, flicking Horrid on the cheek and finally taking his own drag, smoke coming out of his nose. 

Only when a blunt and weed are involved, is really the only time Horrid and Neutral express how they really feel, unlike the other hand, Gray says shit the second it pops up in his head.

Bizmuth 24' | Praying mom doesnt see this one gang..

[araisbored]

What the eff did I just read?

2024 is the year. This is where I finally complete my Goodreads reading challenge. Just like last year I only put a very humble amount of books I will read. 6. 1 book in 2 months. That’s the time limit I am allowing myself with a book. It wasn’t supposed to be a challenge because I used to read one book a day. But with my impending and declining attention skill, it became one of the struggles I need to overcome. 

So to start my reading challenge, I picked the book who’s been on my to-read list for quite a while now. Almost all of the books in that pile were there for a very long period of time. So I don’t know what I’m trying to imply here. Anyways, I finally read one of the infamous booktok: My Year of Rest and Relaxation. So here is my POV 411 on this book.

I have a physical copy of this. And it is very famous on the Booktok as I mentioned. It has a pink accent on the book spine and a renaissance type of girl on the front cover. I don’t know if that was a real renaissance painting and if that girl has a name. But it was appealing. So I added it on my to-read and chose to buy a botched copy on Shopee. 

As for the contents… well, as far as I have read. It was something. My opinions on this book are very much different from what others have said. After I finished a book, and just before I put out my review. I always try to read what others have said about a book. You might think that was one of the characteristics of a people-pleaser… and yes maybe. But what I was just trying to do was get other people's perspective. My opinion and the outcome wouldn’t change, I just want to know what others have felt and what could've they done that made their opinions like that and that could've happened differently for my opinion to differ like that. 

For starters,I found My Year of Rest and Relaxation, a little bit mouthful for a title. Hahahaha. And I hate every single character in that book. I know that life is supposed to be like that, but I don’t get people who get their shit together after reading this book. I don’t see the purpose. I’m not seeing the hope that they’re seeing. I do understand depression, and how complex you can be when you are depressed. I am depressed too. And I know that you are the worst version of yourself when you are a depressed person. But what I don’t understand is… How?

It came to me like it has a writing style like a diary, an account of events of a depressed girl. I didn’t find anything groundbreaking about the writing or the writing style. It actually came off boring to me in the first half. Aside from super annoying characters, which are very intentional. (see?? I got the book.) There is nothing striking to me. I didn’t even find a line which resonates with me. Which is very odd. Because I am Miss Annotation. I didn’t underline a thing in that book. But again maybe I was being biased. Or because maybe I am just turning into a literary snob.  Or maybe I am looking for something different, something inspiring that would make me feel better. Which is probably the mistake I made when I read this book. I expect something. Because why on earth would I be thinking of that. This is not a self-help book. But then again, maybe it wasn’t my cup of tea anymore. Or on a brighter side, which I’m quite glad of, that I no longer relate to these kinds of books. 

As I ponder more about this book, I realized that I was once a super unbearable girl like the main character (MC). But then again, one of the issues I have with this book and in life in general is that I wasn’t as privileged as her. Her kind of ‘relaxation' only happens to girls who are loaded. Or who will inherit a fuck ton of money. That kind of ‘relaxation’ won’t happen to girls who work from 8-5. Like me. And that was imprinted on me since the very first page. Although, I find myself relating to her in some circumstances especially on her mental state. I just wonder if I was given that same privilege and access to a big apartment, would things be different for me? And instead of me trying to find peace and comfort from this. I didn’t. It bothered me. Or it just made me jealous of her.

More pondering happened as the days passed as I tried to find what the others saw in this book. Separating my personal feelings/vendetta. I realized that maybe this was their companion book. Like, finding comfort from someone who's experiencing the same thing as you – companionship.

And fortunately it wasn’t mine. It  made me realize that I shouldn’t be this mean to this book. Because, once again I was THE unbearable girl. 

Hmm, how do I even sum up everything I said. This post has been on my drafts for way too long now. So I’ll just leave the understanding part to you. Bottom-line is that it didn't get a high rating for me.

Image credit to: Medium 

[dramaclover]

Ending & Thoughts: Secret Door 2023

It’s been a while since I’ve seen a good thriller drama. But I don’t know if I would consider this a good one. There was way too many annoying characters in it.. like very few likeable ones. It got to the point I started rooting for the evil characters cause of how horrible everyone else is. Probably the first TVB drama I’ve watched where there’s so many characters that I hated.

Luna’s mother in law definitely wins in the obnoxious, irritating character department. My goodness I just wanted her to die. Every time she shows up on screen I just wanted to fast forward. Literally you’re like so old already can’t she just chill out? She’s always so rude to Luna and so damn selfish. She played a huge role in Luna becoming evil. This old lady kept pushing too hard and wouldn’t let go of her. Every time Luna takes a step back even if it meant her putting aside her pride and dignity this grandma crushes it and gives no effs about it. This grandma is so convinced she killed her son, well lady if that’s what you think why don’t you SHUT UP? Aren’t you scared she will kill you too? And she tried to and let me tell you it was satisfying I wished she did die though. She actually convinced her son to not give his liver to his own daughter, Ching Ching even if it meant her niece dying. Manipulated her niece into thinking how awful of a Mom she is and tried to take her away. Luna even gave her the insurance money and agreed for all 3 to just live together, yet she wasn’t satisfied. She barely cared for Ching Ching back then and only shows care now cause she knows no one wants to take care of her selfish butt. So when she fell down the stairs, as bad as it sounds I was happy cause this woman is soo crazy like she actually installed a spy cam on Ching Ching jacket like wtf? Anyways I was very disappointed that she survived that fall, yes she is paralyzed and can’t talk anymore but like Ching Ching is still taking care of her and will for the rest of her life. In a twisted way the Grandma got what she wished for. She wanted Luna out of the picture and Ching Ching to always be by her side and well she got it.

One thing that gets me worked up is that Ching Ching, won’t ever really know that the only person who truly loved her is her Mother. She just thinks of her as a criminal who killed her Dad and paralyzed her Grandma. She doesn’t understand the reasoning. Now I get it murder is murder… people should never go down that road unless it’s out of self defence. But Luna did all of that cause she was pushed way over the edge. When she tried to seek psychiatric help and take medicine, the Grandma tried to use it against her to take away Ching Ching. The Dad didn’t want to give her liver to her Ching Ching, which meant her daughter could die while waiting for another donor. He also didn’t show a lot of care and wouldn’t even listen to Luna’s reasoning only saying how he wants to divorce her cause she is a daughter of a thief. But Ching Ching is too young to even realize that those two people caused so much pain to her Mother. So while Ching Ching thinks about the seemingly good memories she has with these 2 people, her Mother was coping with trauma from the harsh verbal abuse she suffered in that household.

Yip Siu Tin, damn his character was evil of the evil. He committed every crime possible. Yet I find his character more likeable then the Mother in law. Solely, because he talks shit and he knows it everyone else tries to play the victim too hard. This guy though always gets away with everything even in the end the police was never able to charge him with anything. Justice did not prevail for him, Luna in one final act decides to take him to the grave with her. And I loved how Luna was the one to do it, she always lived her life scared of him and the idea of becoming him. So for Luna to be the one to end it all was great. I do wish we got some last words from Yip Siu Tin, though he was irredeemable.. he had done way too many bad things and is not capable of being a good person. But I do wonder if for those last final moments of his life, while he watched his own daughter cut both of her wrists and wait for death.. did he wish he could save her? Now, Luna had stabbed him with a needle that temporarily causes him to be unable to move. But he can still see and hear what is happening, we also see him attempt to move his fingers when he saw Luna slowly lay down. So it just makes me think whether if he was able to get up, would he save Luna? Or is he that shit of a person he’d just get up and save himself? Would’ve been nice to hear an inner monologue from him at that moment.

Luna was just overall a tragic character it’s like she never stood a chance at having a happy life. Her father was an abusive alcoholic who traumatized her childhood. She grows up having to hide her identity ends up marrying into a rich household BUT her husband and mother in law treated her like doormat. She was basically a second maid, no one really cared about her feelings. I’m confused why her husband even married her. Her father gets out of jail and looks for her immediately and right away restarts the abuse. Physical abuse from her father, verbal abuse from her husband and Mother in law. Her anxiety is crippling from trying to hide her past. Back then if she had embraced that she is a daughter of a thief things would’ve been so different. One thing for sure she should’ve chosen Zhong Zhi Kiu back then, as they had an understanding for one another. The tragedy of her character doesn’t sit well with me, cause she’s always been treated so badly I really wanted her to have a happy ending.

Yeung Yan Hiu, Roxanne Tong plays her and I noticed she got a lot of hate for her bad acting. But I didn’t see it that way at all, I just think people are so blinded at her annoying character they think it’s her acting. For real you guys are hating on someone cause of a damn character. Yan Hiu was so fudging annoying as well. All she did was follow Luna and especially Zhi Kiu around cause she has biased views that children of incarcerated parents are as evil as them. She would do mindless things to get in their way. And what makes it more annoying is that the one she should be investigating and stalking is Yip Siu Tin himself. Like she knows damn well he’s the criminal and the one who shot her Mother. But no let’s follow Zhi Kiu and Luna around cause she’s related to him like wtf? If Siu Tin was still in jail or dead I’d understand her investigating them but like bro he’s alive and well? How about you take yourself over there and try to find evidence instead? Why are you bothering the side characters when the mastermind that you know yourself is right in front of you?

That’s the thing with this drama, we all know Siu Tin is this undeniable villain the amount of horrible crimes he committed is scary. Yet, they focused more attention on catching others. The biggest example would be Zhi Kiu capturing Siu Tin and basically got him to admit some criminal things.. but even though he plotted this he didn’t record anything. But of course when he does this to Luna, he has a handy dandy recording device. LIKE LMAOOO are you serious??? Siu Tin has done some horrible stuff and has admitted to so many crimes in front of you and others but no one, NO ONE ever decides to film or record anything. Luna, did what she did cause of her deteriorating mental health cause of the effed up abuse she received practically all her life and opened up to you yet you were finally “smart” enough to record? I don’t know man, is it dumb or lazy writing?

The things I did like though was that Zhi Kiu’s Father was not a good man. All his life he believed his Father was forced into this and that he’s not all bad. But then we finally get video proof (which is stupid cause who would have such a clear video of something that happened 30 years ago + who on earth would hold on to this footage for so long only to release it now) that shows his Father pushing the pregnant lady onto the floor contrary to Zhi Kiu remembering it as him trying to “save” the lady. We also get another backstory that his Father is an awful wimp of a man. Only thing he did right was call up his old friend and ask him to take care of his son. It was nice that TVB decided for once to not twist the narrative of “oh he was actually a good man”, like nah he wasn’t a good person and the death was needed.

The ending wasn’t satisfying for me, I felt that it was too rushed and there were some questions left unanswered. Does Yan Hiu and Zhi Kiu end up together? How is Yan Hiu’s Father now? The randomness of Luna’s husband raising his insurance money was not explored… like did he do it out of his own free will? Definitely not a drama I would rewatch but it is the type of drama I won’t forget.

[writingmeraki]

# PRI'S MISCELLANEOUS MASTERLIST ❀

here lies all miscellaneous works ranging from every series,movies or even person I'm obsessed with at the moment !

# INDEX :

⟨ ✾⟩ : angst.

⟨☆⟩ : crack/humour.

⟨⚘⟩ : fluff.

⟨✦⟩ : romance.

⟨✰⟩ : reader's favourite.

⟨♡⟩ : personal/author's favourite.

SK NT.

❀ CHO GUESUNG

oneshots

worth it ? [ ⚘ ✦]

When your best friend, the one and only Heechan, sets you up with someone who he knows is the perfect match for you, you begin to contemplate his words when said perfect match almost leaves you stranded. Definitely not the first impression Guesung had hoped for.

mini series

fools of love : part 1 | part 2 [ ⚘ ✾✦] [ ✰ ]

being jealous of the stars in your eyes whenever you smiled because he knew they were caused by anyone but him or so he thought.

drabbles

angel kisses [⚘ ] [ ♡ ]

headcanons

guesung as a dad ! [ ⚘ ]

❀ SON HEUNGMIN

drabbles

[ 11 : 37 ] [⚘] [ ♡ ]

❀ LEE KANGIN

drabbles

hey stupid, I love you ! [ ⚘ ✦]

XO,KITTY.

❀ MIN HO

oneshots

you're no good for me. [ ⚘ ☆✦] [ ✰♡ ]

five times you thought he didn't care and the one time he showed you he did.

( or five times you were oblivious to how much he truly cared and the one time he made it obvious. )

mini series

hot & cold ! : part 1 [ ⚘ ✾✦] [ ✰ ]

Feeling the warm butterflies in your stomach as well as the cold sinking feeling in your heart wasn't the best especially just because of one person nonetheless you think it was worse because that person was none other than the guy you apparently hated with your entire existence.

( or you long crossed the blurry lines of love and hate when it came to Minho and were both just idiotic enough to not realise that until you had to force it out of yourself because of your stupidity.)

drabbles

i heart u ! [ ⚘ ✦]

texts/smau

bf minho texts | a mini follow up ! [ ⚘ ☆✦]

headcanons

minho as your bee eff &lt;3 ! [ ⚘ ✦] [ ✰♡ ]

❀ KIM DAEHEON

nothing yet !

❀ YURI HAN

nothing yet !

...more to come !

ONE PIECE LIVE ACTION ( 2023 )

❀ RORONOA ZORO

mini series

hazy eyes, clear thoughts : part 1 [ ✦♡]

in which letting your drunken mouth spill your sober thoughts leads you to a very unexpected consequence. ( read: everyone saw it coming except you and **** )

drabbles

cold enough to chill my bones. [ ⚘ ✦♡ ]

texts/smau

would u still love me if i were a worm ? [ ⚘✦☆ ]

zoro bf texts ! [ ⚘✦☆ ]

series

eyes don't lie | masterlist [ ✦⚘ ☆ ✾♡ ]

In a twisted series of events that rendered you useless and completely hopeless, you would laugh at yourself if you knew that a cheery ball of sunshine and his crew of crooked pirates would end up saving your life and apparently also changing the whole trajectory of what you'd always thought was your future. ( or in which you learn what it's like to live as you embark on a journey with the supposed king of pirates and his crew where one particular mold green headed dumbass always irked your heartbeat, maybe you needed a cardiologist. )

❀ VINSMOKE SANJI

texts/smau

would u still love me if i were a worm ? [ ⚘✦☆ ]

❀ MONKEY D. LUFFY

texts/smau

would u still love me if i were a worm ? [ ⚘✦☆ ]

OUTER BANKS.

❀ RAFE CAMERON.

ribs | masterist

❝ In which, you did not think there was a way for you to ever come to love the beach, sea and the annoying sand that never seemed to leave you, but then again you did not think you'd ever meet let alone possibly associate yourself with someone like Rafe Cameron. ( or you hated the beach and all that came with it, but turns out this initially disappointing summer could be changed by the presence of one intriguing person. And the fact that his eyes were probably bluer than the ocean itself. Perhaps you could learn to mildly like it. )

❀JJ MAYBANK.

none yet !

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writingmeraki Ⓒ 2023