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cyb3rtarot · 5 months ago

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Pick a Pile: Message from Your Spirit Guides

Disclaimer: tarot readings are not replacements for professional advice. Take what confirms, not confuses. You make your own fate. In this reading I’ll be describing the energy of a guide and what messages this guide has, and extra details! Each row of emojis is a pile.

Help a Palestinian family, even $1 helps!! 5 is close!: 1 2 3 4 5

🕊️ 💸 ☁️

🌞 💌 🌊

🎴 ⚜️🏛️

💦 🦊 ⛲️

🌳 🃏 🌌

👸 📿 🏡

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Pile 1 🕊️💸☁️

[Ace of Wands, Death, bottom of the deck the Hierophant, three of clubs]

Hello pile one! I would describe your guide with the word divinity? I keep trying to find a good word, and words like angel came to mind but I feel the scope of your spirit guide is larger than what one may first think. Like maybe you hear that word and think of the soft smiling guardian angel image, whereas this energy is more like the holy, intense concept. A larger, driving force. The intensity is emphasized, I'm not sure if sometimes you feel “the essence” of this energy and it’s off putting to you? Or this could be how the energy manifests, like receiving help or guidance that comes as very big changes or intense situations that later give way to blessings. It feels fair, in the way a being with an aerial perspective of human life might be fair, if somewhat separate from the human experience. If your belief includes a concept of God, this energy may be related to that. The three of pentacles is on the top of the deck and again there's the three of clubs; there may be the impression of a larger energy because perhaps there’s multiple energies working together as a collective to help you, including deceased loved ones. There’s a lot of people of religious backgrounds in this pile who have/ had faith in concepts like angels/archangels or The Trinity, and those concepts are relevant here, especially if you only pray to God (or Saints?) and don’t engage with the concept of spirit guides too much. The main takeaway is this is a force of energy, possibly multiple combined, that especially helps you with new opportunities and cycles. They love to see you going through new opportunities and generally bring good tidings to your life and energy, helping you transmute and grow. You are like a flower in bloom to them.

Extra guide details: spiritual, church, late night walks, snowflakes, cactus, in bloom, transmutation, trios. The blue sky is significant, especially in relation to ice, winter, and snowflakes (this is emphasized). Shock, electricity. Bright light flashes. Crackling, popping. Intense, holy.

[Domination, It’s Always Teatime sideways, 9 of cups rx, 4 of pentacles, 10 of wands, who in the world are you?, follow the white rabbit, top/bottom of deck: knight of pentacles rx/ the Chariot]

Everyone always wants a piece of the pie, in detriment, "let go" (“I can’t let go”)

Your guide has a message about forgiveness; there’s past pain or disappointment keeping you very stuck in an unpleasant energy. The 4 of pentacles flipped over while the song I was listening to went “let go, let go.” There’s a sense of someone having wronged you, or possibly a cycle of wrongs between you and another. It’s the energy of someone taking advantage as if you were weaker than them, someone messing with you just because they can. Whether this was once or continuous, it has stewed in your mind, and so energetically you’re stuck in this moment of being wronged. You may unintentionally create feelings of self blame or shame with your hurt. You may ruminate over what made you upset, and your brain may cope with the intense emotion by directing anger towards yourself, but you may not consciously notice, so it continues to stew and get more enmeshed in whatever else you're holding on to. Or, your emotions could be intense on a physical level, and so the constant anger is like poison to your body. Your gut in particular could suffer or you could have issues with adrenaline. What comes to mind is the 8 of swords rx. When you work on releasing this embedded pain, you’ll be able to fly away from this cage. You’ll be able to release some of these wands that the 10 of wands figure is burdened by.

There’s another message about finances. Some of you give far too much to family or others, to where you might not be able to pay your bills or live adequately. And for many, your family is not as grateful as they could be. Your message is telling you to hold on to more of your money to release yourself from some of this unhappiness. Really sitting down and committing to healing, however that looks for you, may also help finances. Some of you may be in a not-so-good job that’s affecting you mentally, but you’re too drained to look for something better. Healing will rejuvenate some energy & enthusiasm to improve your situation. Therapy and meditation come to mind. You’ve been stuck in this pain long enough that you might’ve forgotten some parts of yourself, which is where meditation may be helpful for rediscovery. As you heal, opportunities can increase “exponentially,” I feel. It’s like you just need to detach from this energy enough and then I’m seeing you follow a thread that’ll take you all over the place to all kinds of opportunities. I see a turtle coming out of hibernation, slow with all the earth that’s caked up on it for the last few months coming off. That’s you coming out of this, and this guide is here to help you heal and transmute the hurt. This guide especially helps with your root, sacral, solar, and heart energies, with the heart being the most concern right now. Despite the darkness, I see and feel the excitement and curiosity that will be in your energy as you work through some of these attachments (attachments from pain, trauma, rumination, exploitation, physical trauma too I hear). This guide has so much love for you! And there’s pride as well. Good job and good luck pile one, you can do it!

Extra Details: trees blooming outside apartment, Christianity, works in shipping/ fulfillment, PS2/ old video games with chunky graphics (esp with ninja or samurai characters), Final Fantasy (especially XVI, or XIV?), 3, 303, 333, angels, sitting in a dark room (especially with the light on in the hallway. If you do this to brood maybe you could turn this into meditation), lights/electricity/water cutting off (there’s a theme of being in the dark while upset, you might need better lighting in your home!), collective/ co-op/ compound, feeling like you’re in the wrong environment (literally the climate where you live may not be compatible with you but could also refer to a social environment like work. Astrocartography may help), pie, boxes, purple thread/yarn, string of fate, purple yam, pouting when you cry or when angry. Mars in Libra, Taurus, Sagittarius, or knowing someone with this placement. If you have Mars in Libra or Taurus, that may be where the struggle in asserting boundaries is coming from, there’s a need to be more protective of yourself and body or health). Scorpio energy is significant, may be in profection year of your house in Scorpio, or it maybe a prominent sign in the Solar Return (or an SR in the last 3 years). Eye of Providence. Bright colored eyes. Angel- NewDad, Let Go- NewDad, Becky- Be Your Own Pet, Washing Machine Heart- Mitski, Cane Shuga- Glass Animals

Thank you for reading!—Tip Link | Paid Reading Info in Pinned Post (in-depth spirit guide readings available!)

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Pile 2 🌞💌🌊

[Seven of Swords rx, Death, top/bottom of deck: princess of swords rx/ princess of pentacles rx, Protection]

Hi pile two! Your guide is very eager to come through with your message; I was picking up your energy way before I started your reading. For everyone this relationship is different, but the energy seems to be a loved one who passed at infancy or before childbirth. For some, there may have been a twin absorbed in the womb or something similar? Otherwise this is just a relationship you have to an infant, including from your family or close circle, even cousins. This could also be up to toddler age as for some maybe you had a friend in infancy this applies to. This guide has a very young, playful, loving, and fun-loving energy, and “kind” I hear. They like to flit or hang around your energy lol, if you’re sensitive you may notice them around as it’s like a child having fun around you. If you have a deceased pet (especially a medium or big dog with white & brown fur?) they may like to come around with the pet and this amplifies the energy. I’m not getting much about what specifically this guide helps with, but I think them being in your energy helps lighten it, or they may just like to be with you because they love you. For some of you if you had sudden lightbulb moments where you saw through or realized the truth about something, this guide sometimes helps you have those moments, they help you realize things for what they are, both in life and your relationships.

Specific Message for Some [!!TW!! Abortion, Miscarriage]: Some of you had an abortion, miscarriage, loss of a child, I also feel this applies to some of you that absorbed a twin in the womb—you’re not being kind to yourself, like you have a bitterness towards yourself after this event. This guide just wants you to know there’s no shame, hate, bitterness, anything like that from their end. They have lots of love and support for you, and you don’t need to carry a burden over what fate led to, or what has already come to pass. Especially if some of you blame yourself because of a physical activity you did before it happened? They want you to release these emotions and heal how you can. Also, some are not grieving this in particular but you started having a hard time for other reasons after this event, and it’s been depressing you. They are wanting you to face these factors “head-on” so you can heal and recuperate, especially if you need to physically recover from something but you’re having a hard time with other things going on.

Extra guide details: feeling warm, loss/death, fate, angels, small angel figurine, cherubim, Cupid, hearts, Valentine’s Day or similar imagery, church, natural disaster (especially hurricanes, tsunamis, earthquakes; these may be symbolic), excitement, childlike wonder and innocence, purity, twins, Gemini energy, Aries energy, toy blocks, popping/ patting/ banging/ thumping noises (especially a cover, grate, or vent? I see this guide running down your hall banging the wall and giggling), smelling something clean or good, soft hair, ribbons, stuffed animal (bunny)

[Becoming Braver rx, Such a Curious Dream rx, Seduction, Fehu, Nine of Cups, The Empress rx, Paths, Stork, Dog]

Your message is about letting yourself be vulnerable. You may force yourselves to be strong and it’s hard to undo the persona. To the point where defenses are indiscriminate; you may have times where you avoid good things to protect yourself but let toxicity into your life because you were blinded by something. Your guide is wanting you to relax when new opportunities come and learn when to lower walls. There’s a huge message about travel, you may have the opportunity to travel soon (especially with a friend or love interest), or maybe you’ve been avoiding a needed getaway, especially because of transportation? This is a good opportunity to let loose and clear your energy, and if you do have some issue with transportation, your guide wants you to resolve it if you’ve been avoiding it on purpose. This guide values freedom, and you being limited in yours by solvable issues frustrates them. You’re also limited by your disbelief that good things can happen to you when there’s already opportunities to experience good things, and they want you to challenge that perspective. This guide is all about taking things head on like a little warrior lol, Aries energy.

If you do have a new relationship (including platonic) or love interest, there’s a message about lightening up and letting yourself enjoy the fun parts of the beginning stages. That’s a theme across your whole message, to enjoy new beginnings, and not be afraid of nurturing or forging healthy relationships. This may help you get out the stagnant energy following you, especially if it’s coming from other people. Discernment is required when putting your walls up, otherwise your defenses are stretched thin and padded too much in the wrong areas. It’s like your defenses became a way to deny yourself happiness, the right to be vulnerable & soft. Your guide wants you to address this, to engage in the passionate parts of life, to break this cycle and start a new, better one. Again, in particular, they are encouraging fun in your social life & traveling. Also, if you have a choice of putting energy into unfulfilling relationships or mending better ones, take steps to mend real friendships.

Extra Details: moths, butterflies, & “bugs in your lawn” are significant—especially tiny moths or red butterflies, also crickets? A playdate or playroom like you might see in a preschool, nursery, or the corner of an office. 404/44/444, the Sun (I see a Sun painted in a spiral), also the Sun in tarot/ oracle, stiffness, left eye/ jaw/ face pain? Melanie Martinez, bright blonde hair or bright-colored eyes, smelling a baby or holding one up to your face (a memory?), crystals, crystal angel figurine, congenital or genetic, video games, watching old media or memories, VHS, needing more nutritious food especially if you crave ice or non-edible things, paying attention to your body on a day to day basis, allowing yourself to be more creative—esp with your self-expression like clothes or makeup, letting yourself be excited out loud. Building your faith or ability to believe again, especially believing things can be ok. New chemistry or passion with someone, challenging a lack mindset, luck, predestiny, leaves on the vine

If you already felt drawn to pile one it may resonate, this guide may be related to the energy described, or they could be referencing another guide you have

Thank you for reading!—Tip Link | Paid Reading Info in Pinned Post (in-depth spirit guide readings available!)

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Pile 3 🎴⚜️🏛️

[7 of clubs, 4 of diamonds, 10 of diamonds, top of deck: Queen of Hearts]

Hello pile three! For many of you this is a past life connection, or an ancestor (especially maternal). Or both, most guides in this pile lived a while ago, some more like in the 1800s, but for some it’s back to the 1400s, and for some even farther. There’s some kind of familiarity, responsibility, or bond—like fate, or the family tree and such things that have far-reaching effects. I picked up a mysterious vibe and not as much about them specifically. The energy reminds me of Morticia Adams a bit lol but there’s masculine energy here too for some. The masculine energy feels a bit more aloof/stern or self-assured, an Aries-like confidence, whereas the feminine energy is a little more playful or like a black cat in comparison (so take that as it fits if you’re familiar with either energies). Actually, before I finished writing this section, I noticed the King of Hearts is under the Queen of Hearts, so both a feminine & masculine guide with past lives/ancestry ties, or a relation to each other—they could be a pair, could be in your energy. This guide (or guides) likes to be around you sometimes when you’re doing things you like, especially your nerdy or geeky interests. If you have a garden, or take walks in nature or near flowers, they also like to use these flowers as signs, or be with you in those moments. They support you when you’re doing those things you like, especially what you do for money or hobbies, as many have family that don’t support you or are pressuring you down a specific path, especially medical or something lucrative. They are around to encourage you and instill confidence in your own decisions; they are on your side. This guide helps you with general success, stability, and good luck, particularly in the material world. They do things on their end to ensure success in your endeavors, to show you things will be okay and you’re taken care of when you put effort in. They are big on success, confidence, financial increase or independence. If there’s something about a document, form, ticket, certificate, or similar that’s significant right now, I’m not sure why but your guide is bringing attention to it, and it seems like things will turn out well with these diamond cards. This could also be something magical in paper form, like a charm or spell you did.

There are more spiritual people in this pile who practice tarot, magic, manifestation, etc. This guide especially helps the energies from these along on their end and helps bring success to your practice, this is really emphasized; the word “magic” is emphasized as well. This is particularly true if you do spells or manifestations using paper or physical methods. This guide cares about you and wants to see you succeed in your efforts!

Extra Guide Details: red roses (especially seeing one bloom or in full bloom), romantic songs (slow or sad ones), camcorder/ old camera, grainy photos or videos, VHS, long black clothing, long &/or wavy dark hair, magnetic, alluring, mysterious, black, red, dark red, dark purple, fleur de lis, wallpaper, “darker” styles, crows, large and/or weeping trees. Kintsugi (may be significant to your healing which this guide may help or bring attention to. The episode of Bojack “Good Damage” is significant for someone because that came out super specifically), boost/surge of confidence, patience in your readings or other efforts, gusts of wind or other signs in nature, windfalls of good luck or abundant finances, magic, maternal, ancestry, old, pale

[Vision, Discrimination, Restlessness, 8 of diamonds, 2 of hearts, 6 of clubs, 9 of spades, 8 of spades]

I see a Fleur de Lis again in the symbols on your cards, so that could really be significant! Off the top what I get is you have a growing idea, especially a vision for your life or something you want to do. This is mostly a plan or not even that, a dream. Your head may be up in the clouds; your guides are wanting you to ground. There’s a growing agitation in you as this dream or desire for something different fills your mind, and being ungrounded is exacerbating this. These guides are all about putting action in, so they want you to more closely guard your mind against that which detaches you from reality or the present too much. If you are spiritual they especially want you to use discernment in your practice at this time and don’t indulge in spiritual things that unsettle your mind or make you confused too much. You’re needing a practical and detail-oriented energy like Virgo so you can organize this beautiful dream!

Many of you are in the midst of a long-coming choice, especially about work or education. For example, reaching the end stage of studies/ training and deciding on the next path. One choice you feel negatively about or you’re being pushed into. Another choice you like but are pressured against doing, or also feel negatively about because of some fear, like financial stability. This could represent a current job or major if you’re wanting to leave. Serious reflection is needed! This thing you hate may be a major investment. You may feel like picking this because it seems stable, but you may not be considering burn out (which is tough on your body) or emotional pain if you force yourself. It’s not a better financial choice if you’re not able to see through your investment. With the thing you like, you have talent or interest, but maybe because it doesn’t seem stable or you’re not sure how it would work, you haven’t put in a lot of practical planning. This could also refer to wanting to make moves with a partner. This is exacerbating those restless feelings, as you get more pressured and don’t have a plan for the choice you like. Your guides need you to put that discernment and practicality into this decision process. Really think about what you’re willing to do, capable of doing, and what first steps will look like. Be realistic—not pessimistic about finances so you have a real idea of the effort needed to create success. Especially be realistic about emotions; don’t get clouded by fantasies, examine patterns and choices. Your guides are here to help you with success, but they can only do their part on their end. Factor in things like burn out and any negativity you have surrounding these choices, reflect, weigh pros & cons, because that ultimately will impact the effects of this decision months down the line. Be mindful of your environment exacerbating fear and confusion as those things detach you from reality, especially your family & work environment. Consider if you will like the environment you’re going to, as picking a place you don’t feel comfortable in will take a toll. This also applies if your current work environment is really stressing you out. This is the other side of the financial aspect to consider, if you will be able to reap any benefits in an environment that's discouraging, or if you can find a healthy way to approach that at all. Overall, channel restless energy into practical thinking! Merge your inner child & dreamer with the mature self. Ask your guides for help creating success in whatever you do!

Extra Details: reading cards/cartomancy—some of you scrap readings abruptly when you struggle (or other hobbies). This guide helps with this sometimes, especially if words or thoughts come to mind until you get the right one, as if your guide reads with you. This guide is particular (Virgo energy, you or them), and doesn’t want you to quit too easily. If you read cards (esp if you only read tarot) your guide may encourage you to expand such as trying a new form of card reading (again this may fit another hobby). Diane, Mr Peanut Butter, or Penny from Bojack, E. Asia, Japan, coastal area or island (can also be family history, an interest), Greece, things that creep out or sadden others but are significant or interesting to you, Peppermint- Jack Stauber. “Find a penny, pick it up, all day long you’ll have good luck!” Cloves, picking somewhere to move, esp to a city/ university/ near the ocean, inner child, fruit, childhood home/town, playing house as a kid, writing/songwriting, singing (“he never said I couldnt sIiiiIng”), singing as a child in a group or specific place, passed down songs, sketching fruit, interests from childhood, cartoons, codename: KND, Chowder (show), eye dr, surgeon, exam, paying for certification

For clair-people: if you ever feel a guide going NOO >:( especially if it feels disproportionate to the situation or while you’re doing your spiritual practice— I think that’s the masculine guide I described lol. They may be a bit jarring to your energy but they don’t mean you poorly, they just have something like a dry sense of humor and don’t adjust their tone lol but you can always set boundaries if you want

Thank you for reading!—Tip Link | Paid Reading Info in Pinned (in-depth spirit guide readings available!)

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Pile 4 💦🦊⛲️

[I Wonder What Will Happen Next, princess of swords, six of swords]

Hello pile #4! For many of you this guide seems to be a past life connection and/or relative. There’s a child-like joy, so you could’ve known this guide in your youth in a past life (or this one?), and/or they could have died young. Or, they are just connected to this side of themselves, as there’s also wisdom + older energies mixed in there for some.

This guide has a major affinity to water, in their lifetime(s) the coast or water in general was significant to them. They like and encourage you to spend time with water. At first I saw a beach with no one else around (this could be their past life or your current one), but then I got something about you going to a water park, so even though this guide prefers peace & quiet, they love water and you having fun or embracing your inner child more lol. This guide is related to the home, as well as quiet outings in nature—especially in the Summer. They are very related to your recuperation in these spaces; they’re big on the effect your surroundings create on the mind. They enjoy when you do comfy or rejuvenating activities in the home, like baking cookies because they keep excitedly showing me these fresh hot cookies lol. Their focus is on you using these times well to have the “wherewithal” to go forward in the world, especially if your life has been more about rest or “focus” recently? They want you to take resting or relaxing seriously as your foundation. They also encourage you to recuperate your thoughts + organize your mind during these times, so that you’re clear-headed going forward and know what is true. Your guide came in with the word “quiet” which I see but it’s funny because when this energy wants to say something I feel they say it really loud and pointedly lol. Like they ARE quiet or you may notice a stillness when they’re around? But, when they’re excited they energetically shout like a happy child. Another thing about the guides in this pile is many seem to have lived possibly a few hundred or more years ago, because they use somewhat archaic or very specific language. They have an affinity or relation to older architecture and a time when there was less human impact everywhere. You may notice a pull towards things related to them or that they like, especially water and coastal areas, older architecture, older media (even songs from a few decades ago), calm environments, or a pull to take walks in nature (especially the woods). For many, either you or this guide has a significant relation to Britain.

Extra Guide Details: quiet, the ocean—especially a beach with little to no human activity, relaxing at home, egrets/herons or other waterfowl, cookies (very significant), homely (cozy), rushing water, sailing or travel over water, trust/truth, alone in nature, past life connections, water park, nostalgia/ older media, church or a place of spiritual beauty (the emphasis is on the physical building and how it affects one’s mind rather than religion itself, though if you are religious they encourage you in your faith), baptisms or initiations (extra significant; this period of your life may be an initiation into the next especially in spirituality.

[Find the Lesson, Extremism, Resistance, 9 of pentacles, the High Priestess, Eihwaz]

This guide wants you to incorporate a lesson into your life you’ve been resisting. There’s something you or someone with a strong relation to you is struggling to accept, and it’s getting to the point where your/their behavior or mentality is getting more unstable as this is resisted. This could be something like refusing to accept a love situation is over or didn’t have a chance, and instead getting more aggressive or obsessive about love. It seems strong emotion is involved, but it doesn’t have to be love, just any situation that’s tough to swallow or has resulted in “acting out.” Take a higher perspective, and take time to appreciate the learning aspect of this experience, as there’s a lot of growth it could provide. Introspection, deep reflection, prayer, or spiritual practice with the intent of clarity & understanding are encouraged. If this is someone close, your guides still want you to learn something, such as boundaries or paying more attention to who’s unstable towards you + protecting your energy. There’s a point about raising stability & independence, and communicating what needs to be said without going overboard or blowing up. You seem to already know this with the high priestess. You’re aware of this needing your attention or “cooperation." Or, you’re aware of a lesson on some level, but your guides want you to act accordingly and not just look the other way lol.

Once you “maintain” or integrate this lesson, it’ll be easier to move into a financial blessing or material success, especially if you’re planning something but feel overwhelmed or lack the resources. I’m not sure why the word maintain came to mind, maybe this is a continuous lesson but you backpedal, such as setting boundaries but making concessions on them. If so, your guide wants you to maintain the lesson learned. Maybe that’s also why the word cooperation came to mind; your guides want you to cooperate with them on moving forward. Also, if one of the things you’re “yearning” for is increased spiritual awareness or ability, then this guide is saying that resolving this situation and accepting it is what’ll bring you closer to your spirituality. Especially if you’ve been going overboard with spiritual things to the point where it’s affecting your mental health. Overall, your guides stress balance, discipline, and willpower.

Extra Details: a very large building with older architecture and a central courtyard between the buildings, like a university or a very old church? Needing to communicate something (like an important conversation you’re preparing for or putting off) (this guide is helping with this). A recent breakup/rejection or putting off a breakup (don’t force this to fit, whoever this applies to already knows. Could also be a platonic breakup or familial separation). Edinburgh. Yoga. Ancestors (again for some of you this could be a relative). “Cosmic phenomenon” (the sky, seeing something in the sky, or things happening in the night sky? As well as the movement of things through space such as astrology/astronomy). Animals, particularly those that accompany you when in nature; they could be related to your guide. Especially a red fox in the woods? Sail Away- The Long Faces. The guides in this pile were very lovely energy to interact with n_n. Also if you read any cards, when this guide is around you may notice an urge to read without reversals. Pile 6 may be significant if you were already drawn to it.

Thank you for reading!—Tip Link | Paid Reading Info in Pinned (in-depth spirit guide readings available!)

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Pile 5 🌳🃏🌌

[2 of cups rx, 3 of wands, 10 of swords, King of Swords, 3 of wands rx, the hierophant, bottom of a different deck is also the hierophant]

Hello pile 5! Your guide didn't come through with much about themselves except that it’s a feminine energy. They’re focused on you/ don’t need to describe themselves specifically at this time. Instead, your cards tell your guide’s relationship to you. This guide is like a personal teacher or shows you how to cut through lessons. This guide’s presence and influence is most felt or seen in emotional lessons, as their energy provides much needed balance. When you’re going through an emotional situation— especially from a “failing?” or ending relationship—this guide helps incorporate logic & mental fortitude into your thoughts. It’s interesting that there’s the three of wands twice from different decks, causing the figures in the cards to mirror each other. While you are trying to heal emotionally and facing the future, this guide is also doing work on the other side, looking into and guiding you in the future. Imagine walking down a path in the forest, and there’s someone extremely tall with you who can see far ahead on the path, see the obstacles that need to be cleared, as well as which paths are least treacherous, it’s like that. In this second three of wands, a female figure towers over a town, holding a little ship and looking out into the sea; that represents how your guide looks out for you. Your guide has much to teach you, they bring wisdom and help you find the lesson in endings and trials you go through. They’re like a school teacher with a much more personal sense of responsibility, guidance, and protection over you. The energy reminds me of an ancestor, though that’s just for some, but the sense of responsibility is similar at least. It could even be a passed on parent/guardian, grandma, great grandma etc. If a situation is not helping you grow, if something holds you back or blinds you, this guide may “cut to the chase” and intervene. The hierophant also came out twice. This guide is very “I said what I said,” like when someone is authentic nothing they do needs further explanation, it is what it is. Similar to how an adult may do something for our own good growing up, and we don’t understand their perspective until later. They may work with a higher energy or group to guide you. If you have faith or worship-based practices, that may be significant to this guide or the energy they use to help you.

Extra Guide Details: the energy didn’t bring forward many details, and ones that did come out are ultra specific. This guide is very wise and a little on the serious or quiet side, but kind with vast knowledge. Maybe even having ancient knowledge, for some. If you work with herbs for your spirituality, especially for spiritual insight or travel, that’s significant to this guide and they may be especially present then—though they help bring you some of that insight even if you don’t do that. Your guide gives off a primordial, vast, ancient, or powerful feeling; not necessarily that old but their breadth of wisdom makes them feel that way. “Big bang” & “solar flare” came out so those may be significant, though I feel they also symbolically describe the energy of your guide. They have had many experiences or lessons, and are now able to impart what they know on you. They have gone through similar things to what you have if not the same in their time, so that’s part of why they’re able to help. If this guide is not an ancestor, and it’s not for some, then they may work or interact with yours.

[4 of diamonds, 7 of spades, 6 of hearts, 8 of hearts, ace of spades, Jack of hearts, A Moment’s Regret]

Your guide has a past, present, future message. In the past, this pile was enjoying relative stability. There were feelings you felt very secure in, literally somehow your material security may have been significant. Examples are (but not only) a friend group or going out with friends a lot, a serious relationship including engagements/ marriage, a relationship with shared finances, relative stability and contentment with those around you or in the family, positive financial investing/planning. Something happened that pulled the rug out from under your feet. A loss or sudden perspective shift of what you had emotionally, and this could have suddenly impacted your finances or sense of security. For some of you, there could have been some kind of legal proceedings or official documents you had to go through because of this situation, which added difficulty to an already shocking time. You had something fulfilling or at least something normal and then some kind of grief took over, a huge ending that feels sudden. Some of you felt something was off but didn’t engage with that feeling as things seemed okay. Your guide’s message of the future, which I think is very fitting considering I talked of them looking out onto your path, is that it all depends on your choice. In your future I see opportunities for emotional healing or intimacy, but the growth you take from this situation depends on you. This is especially true if this has to do with other people like an ex; what your emotions look like going forward will depend on if you’re willing to invest in something new and truly stable (yourself) as opposed to things that only seem nice but cannot hold against the test of time. Regardless, your future may have some healing connections in it with friends, family, or others; there may be opportunities to grow something real if you’re willing to rebuild that vulnerability and inner stability. If you commit to your own emotions and apply wisdom even when you’re going through this dark change, the light at the end of the tunnel is very bright and will give way to better things “no matter what,” but life is still what you make of it.

As the final advice, “a moment’s regret” reiterates what I said. In the future, you may be faced with the “test” of the lesson. There may be a situation to see what you have learned and if you’re sticking to your guns emotionally, to see if you are committed to bettering yourself. Your guide says don’t “fiddle around” (lol), thinking that you’ve done the wrong thing, trying to think about if things were different, if you could go back, if you gave something bad another try, if if if. Stay present and look at the facts. If you’re committed to yourself and not sacrificing yourself for others, or sacrificing your wellbeing for a moment’s pleasure, then you can guide yourself to a better situation always. This is especially for you if you have a situation with an ex or an emotional vice/crutch. Good luck & good job pile 5, you can do it!

Extra Details: mugwort, astral or spiritual travel/flight, great grandmothers or grandmothers, ancestral line, grieving a loss, 111, divorce, thinking of someone’s health, social drinking or overdoing it (and healing from this). If you read cards your guide really emphasized “shuffle better” 😭 if you don’t already shuffle a lot lol. Gambling, recovering from an addiction or vice (I hear “social addiction”)? Long term relationship suddenly ended. Don’t look at the past with rose-tinted glasses. E/ SE Asia; [not only] Vietnam, Japan, China (especially if there’s ancestry or a family member served there). If none of this reading resonated or makes you worried because this is not you right now then this is not the right pile for you and another pile is more appropriate, especially if you felt drawn to 3. If you did resonate with this, and you already felt drawn to pile 1 or 6, that may be significant. If you work with your guides directly I feel this guide may be one that says what they have to say and then leaves like they have things to do, and while you may feel them around a lot they don’t necessarily “linger” or stay outside of a specific moment.

Thank you for reading!—Tip Link | Paid Reading Info in Pinned (in-depth spirit guide readings available!)

𓆸⋆｡°✩.

Pile 6 👸📿🏡

[the Empress, two of cups, Status]

Hello pile 6! Your guide has very strong feminine energy and is likely a close relative in your family tree, even one you knew in your lifetime. This could mainly be a mother or grandmother as there’s a very strong maternal bond or feeling. It could also be other close feminine loved ones like a sister (especially twin sister), wife, aunt, cousin, even a really close best friend. It’s possible for them to be farther along in your lineage but for most this guide has a direct relationship to you. The work they put into their lifetime may have had a direct effect on yours, like your family’s current financial status, house, or belongings may be tied to this individual, others who live in your home, or others you have a close relationship to. There’s a close connection and need to guide you, like it's a continuation of their life or natural for them. If you knew each other while they were alive, you possibly had an intertwined but complicated relationship, things left unresolved. If this resonates to someone specific in your life or family, and that person’s partner also passed (a passed mother + father, grandmother grandfather etc), they collaborate with them to help you. They also guide the people around you in a way that helps, especially family. This guide is either important spiritually or important to YOU spiritually which would make sense if this is a loved one; I feel this is one of your main guides or the guidance they give you carries a lot of spiritual weight (guiding you may be important for them in their journey also). I got a very specific message for someone that if you have a connection to a female deity/ entity (especially if you have a maternal view of them or view them as more of a mother than your own?) and you became a part of her following, this could represent her. For very few of you this could even represent a living relative whom you have a very close connection to; they may somehow help you on an astral or some other level, especially if they pray a lot. If this pile doesn’t resonate even a little, another pile is a better option!

Extra Guide Details: praying & chanting out loud or reciting mantras especially in a temple, prayer beads, kneeling or bowing during prayer or ceremony, video games (literal games or the song), cactus (you may have had a prickly relationship with this guide, or this could be otherwise significant or symbolic), family (if you are not related to this guide I feel you still know their family), uncles are significant. Spiritual protector. Mirroring. Spiritual Elder or mentor, "spiritual ancestor" (someone who is not necessarily blood related but somehow elder to you in your belief, or an ancestor who was very spiritual/religious). Folk or indigenous practices

[King of Diamonds, 9 of diamonds, 9 of spades, 7 of diamonds, Jack of hearts, ace of hearts, ace of spades, King of clubs]

Your guide is bringing attention to some upheaval in your life. Something is in the process of changing or has already changed in your family or home. Some of you may have experienced a loss (especially a younger person in the family), and/or there may have been a transformation of finances. Examples include receiving money suddenly but having to spend it, a change in career, inheritance, etc. This could also apply to someone close to you or in your home, especially if you did recently have a loss then I think you’ll be observing the effects of this on someone, especially a male relative. There could be a family gathering related to this. This change of people or finances could have seemed coincidental or the timing could have been very specific but I’m not sure how; someone could have felt it coming. The cards show that though tumultuous, change has its allotted time in our life.

Fate is a culmination of time, but also our own efforts. This change brings beginnings to you or your loved one’s lives, and a chance to transform both pain and good things. If there is anything you feel passionate about at this time or would like to invest into, now is a very good time to think of or work towards that. Especially if you are grieving something, using that grief to propel you to new phases will help you grow. Other people around you (including bosses) or your family could be helpful at this time, or you to them. We can’t always choose endings, but we can often choose beginnings. Allow yourself to be transformed by that which happens to you, and in turn, see the changes in the transformations you create.

Extra Details: living in a city/fast-paced life (current or dreaming of it), somewhere that feels like a fairytale, travel over water or a home near water, castles, emotionally or financially investing, taking a leap of faith or risk. Spiritual hygiene, protection, and grounding are important if you feel vulnerable right now—your mental state influences your spiritual perception. If you feel overwhelmed feel free to take a break from spiritual practice or routines. Cleansing the home may help a lot. Your guide helps protect you but wants you to keep yourself grounded as well. New jobs or developments in jobs like a bonus or check. Financial decisions related to events out of one’s control. Fluctuations in finances. Cooking/ cooking with family. Happenstance, coincidental, or seemingly fated events. New beginnings (including meeting someone interesting or helpful) that may bring financial or emotional blessings but there’s a need to keep a level head and be reflective. Going where you’re appreciated, physical changes in the home. New business idea or passion. Divination practices (this may be one thing to take a break from if you feel overwhelmed). Reaping what was sown, harvest time. Something about being bullied or for some of you maybe your guide was bullied in life? If that resonates I especially feel this is a time for you to reap blessings but also to seek them. Making the most of something, blessings whose effect depends on your effort & perspective. Emotionally protecting oneself, using logic about things which emotionally rile you (like love interests or sudden whims). You guys are most likely to have another significant pile if you felt called to another one.

Thank you for reading!—Tip Link | Paid Reading Info in Pinned (in-depth spirit guide readings available!)

𓆸⋆｡°✩.

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stargazedwinchester · 2 months ago

Text

Casual | Dean

love a bit of chappell don’t we guys xox

i rlly enjoyed writing this so i hope you enjoy reading it!! this is very much inspired by the song, but not necessarily a songfic :)

CW: mentions of s*x, nothing too provocative

Summary: You and Dean are casual friends with benefits until you uncover the truth about how you actually feel toward him.

Word count: 1,133

♱⁺. ⋆˙✧⋆✧˙⋆⊹.♱

“I, uh, think I should get you home,” Dean says. The silence is palpable. You feel awkward and like you don’t belong, so you let out a defeated sigh. He’s shirtless, his slight 6-pack glistening with sweat as he attempts to dry himself off with a towel. You felt as if you couldn’t catch your breath, whether it was just from the insane sex you had just endeavoured or Dean’s pitiless words that filled your lungs with regret.

“Okay.” You give up. Each time you attempt to feel a connection with him — a real, deep connection, it’s like he wipes it from his memory as soon as you’re both finished and goes back to reality. Post-nut clarity, if you will.

It’s not like he doesn’t find you attractive. Hell no. It’s his intense lack of commitment issues and mommy/daddy issues that give him such a hard time completely dedicating himself to someone. The hundreds of arguments you had gotten into over the people he had slept with whilst also sleeping with you just gave you second-hand embarrassment. In fact, it was downright wrong it should’ve been illegal.

You manage to tumble out of bed butt-naked, slowly getting your clothes back on ready for the silent drive home. You almost gape in awe at Dean’s silhouette. Heavy feelings weigh down on your heart for someone who doesn’t even think of you in any other way other than for intimacy is so challenging, especially on your own self-worth.

Dean doesn’t say a word to you. He sits back down on the bed and starts typing on his phone. He’s wearing a light grey t-shirt and charcoal grey jeans. The small screen lights up his face and a slight grin slowly appears and your heart sinks. Without even looking, you already know he’s talking to some other bitch, in which he’s probably going to go pick her up after he’s dropped you off at home.

“You ready?” You ask him, breaking the one-way tension in the room. “Yeah,” He says, standing up and leading you out toward the car.

♱⁺. ⋆˙✧⋆✧˙⋆⊹.♱

On the drive home, it’s dark and rainy. The streetlights emit a dim, dusty champagne colour, yet the awkward tension isn’t anything worth celebrating.

“What’re you doing after this?” He asks, not breaking focus from the road. “Probably just go straight to bed,” you reply, shrugging lightly. “What about you?”

“I’m going to go visit a friend of mine,” He coughs, then purses his lips. “She lives about half an hour thataway.” He motions his pointer finger toward the left.

She.

The anger builds up inside of you. After all this time, you had thought that he wasn’t seeing anybody else, that you had only mindfully agreed that this thing stays between the pair of you, and this included sleeping around. What a fucking tool.

“Listen, it’s nice and all that you’re giving me a lift home, but you’re really taking the cake by pretending like you’re not seeing other people.” You lock eyes with him, and his expression changes.

“What, so you’re jealous now? Is that it?” He scoffs, and you freeze up. “So what if I am? We had an agreement that we weren’t gonna sleep with anyone else! We said that!” You start to raise your voice, frustration running right through your blood as it starts to boil.

“I’ve mentioned it to you multiple times before. I don’t understand why you can’t listen to me! It’s fucking gross, Dean! You need a huge reality check because this isn’t gonna last forever.” You wave your finger between yourself and Dean, indicating that whatever it is that you both have going on is at its final straw. He scoffs again, shaking his head. It’s almost like he wants to say something, but bites his tongue. He presses his foot on the pedal, coming to a stop. It’s that sudden you hit your head on the headrest.

“Y/N-“

“I don’t want to hear it. Take me home.”

“Lis-“

“Fucking take me home, Dean. I mean it.”

For the rest of the drive, you’re in silence. Nothing on the radio, no cassette tape playing, not even the windows open to hear the sound of the rain pattering on the windscreen.

♱⁺. ⋆˙✧⋆✧˙⋆⊹.♱

He parks the Impala outside of your house, and since the quietness has given you a second to rethink the whole situation.

“Dean,” you start, and his big, puppy-dog eyes glare at you with regret. “What’s up?” He asks and this time it sounds like it was with genuine concern.

“I have to tell you something before I go.” You state, and he nods, listening.

“The reason why I was jealous is that I’m in love with you, Dean. It’s hard seeing you go away and spend time with all these different people and I just get a fraction of you. It’s unfair that I’ve spent the last year or so falling in love with you and you see me as nothing more than someone to play with.” You pause, then take a deep breath.

“You don’t need to say anything else because I’m done. It’s friends or nothing. If I hear nothing from you within the next 3 days, then I’ll know where your priorities lie.”

You start to collect your bags together and open the passenger door. He’s left stunned, his eyebrows raised, his mouth slightly agape and his eyes showing enough sadness to make you want to apologise for going off at him and then travelling back to the motel for round 2.

You can tell that the cogs are turning in his head, thinking of what to say that would completely win you over. But there’s absolutely nothing that he could do or say that could make you turn back around. You shut the door, but the window is still open.

“Y/N, hold up a sec,” He yells through the window while you’re almost halfway up the path. You turn around and lock eyes with him.

“Please come back, let’s talk about this.” He leans over to the passenger seat, his gorgeous forest green eyes staring up at you.

“3 days, Dean. Prove that you’re not an asshole and I’ll think about it.” You say one last time before turning back around to the front of your house. The last thing you want is Dean never wanting to see you again.

You enter the entryway to your home and make your way up the stairs. Opening up your bedroom door, you take a moment to collect yourself, instead of thinking God, what have I done? You sit proud that you have stood up for yourself against someone who has clearly used you for nothing more than his own selfishness. And if that is the case, well... so be it.

#supernatural #spn #supernatural imagines #spn imagines #dean winchester #dean winchester imagines #sam winchester #sam winchester imagines #supernatural imagine #spn imagine #dean x reader #dean winchester x reader #dean winchester imagine #dean winchester x you

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obsidianpen · 17 days ago

Note

Okay, so a lot of people here have talked about the use of AI and large language models such as ChatGPT, and honestly, I have mixed feelings. On one hand, I think that using them to help you proofread is fine. So spelling, grammar, and that sort of thing. And writers can also do this process themselves obviously, but I don't see the harm in using ChatGPT for this, as long as you are aware that you are giving your data and story over to OpenAI.

When it comes to ideas, bouncing ideas off of an AI can be fun, but only to the extent that they are completely your ideas (meaning the AI didn't come up with the idea for you and you aren't giving the AI information about someone else's ideas). So your idea your choice, but don't use the AI to get the idea for your work and don't give the AI other people's ideas or works. And this only really applies if you don't have anybody either in-person or online to do this with instead.

The last thing I'll say is that AI writing isn't the greatest. It can sound realistic and be cohesive to an extent, but it isn't the same as a real author. I actually tested this a few times because I was curious how it would turn out, and I promise that it is not a substitute or replacement for real authors. I think this is because ChatGPT and other AIs work by predicting what is the best/most likely word to come next in its response based off of the dataset it was trained on. It even has a function that allows some degree of randomness/variability in the next word, rather than only using the top/best next word each time. But this means it isn't coming up with new or inventive ideas. It doesn't come up with plot twists, it can't plan slowly developing arcs across multiple chapters, and it doesn't make the characters interesting to read, have a lot of depth, sound real, or so forth. There are more things too, but I'm just giving a non-exhaustive list of why ChatGPT's writing is not the same as a real author's writing.

Note: I apologize if this isn't clear or if I'm just rambling or if I made any typos. I'm writing this on my phone and have not had ChatGPT or other AI proofread it for me.

hm. I’d say there’s been a lot more discussion about whether or not Tom Riddle has a breeding kink (he does not; just a WAP kink) and about the height difference between Harry and Voldemort in NG (there are charts; they are, somehow, confusing). I don’t want this to be a recurring theme on this blog, so consider this my (very hopefully) last post on this topic.

My opinion on the matter: I don’t agree with your reasoning for using AI. You said you didn’t think it was an issue ‘as long as you are aware that you are giving your data and story over to OpenAI.’ I think you absolutely should care that you’re giving your data and story over to AI!!! You should care. Pretty much just sold yourself there as far as I’m concerned.

I don’t think anyone should be using AI for proofreading. I don’t know how great it is at this, but even if it’s amazing, I think you should be doing this yourself!!! Editing is a skill, and a great one to have. I catch a lot of things when I proofread my own shit; I realize I missed things or screwed things up - not just grammatically speaking but plot wise, which as you said, AI can’t help with anyway. Proofread your own stuff. Proofread your own stuff!!!! And if you want a second set of eyes on your work, ask a real human!!!!!!!!

re: bouncing your ideas off of AI… no!!!! Bounce your ideas off of PEOPLE I promise you will have much better conversations because they will be with someone who can think critically.

and the thing about chatGPT not writing super well… yeah, duh. But what some writers do is use shit like chatGPT as a starting point, then edit. It doesn’t come up with plot twists - unless you feed them to it. No one is arguing that it’s a good as a ‘real author’ but that doesn’t mean people who consider themselves ‘real authors’ aren’t using it. I think this sucks, because, in case we forgot, chatGPT uses theft as its foundation.

(and this isn’t even touching on the environmental shit concerning AI.)

In conclusion: I don’t think anyone should use it for anything creative. At all. Feel free to disagree (and you can post about that on your own blog), but if you lean on AI to edit or create your creative work, you’re only hindering yourself.

Note: I apologize if this isn't clear or if I'm just rambling or if I made any typos. I'm also writing this on my phone and have not had ChatGPT or other AI proofread it for me, nor would I ever.

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abyssleaves · 1 year ago

Text

Why I'll Be Remaining in the Lurking For Love Community

Ok.

Honestly, I really don't want to make this.

I'm way too old for fandom drama, and I don't need to be making myself a target. My gut is telling me that it's a bad idea to get involved, and I'm inviting trouble for myself by posting this.

But the most recent post against Tom is just ridiculous and I can't not speak my piece.

I'm not linking to it or reblogging it because I don't want to send hate anyone's way, and honestly because I'm going to block them as soon as this is posted. You can read mine and theirs for yourself and decide what you think.

As far as the “anti-Latino” posts that Tom liked, I can't speak to whether they do damage, or what Tom’s views actually are. I am not Latino, and I'm not Tom. It's not my place. But I will say I was aware of those posts long before I saw that “callout” post, and it's because multiple Latino artists I follow liked and retweeted them. At the time, I was given to understand that they were satirizing the fact that both were styles of stereotypes, but one was acceptable while the other was not, despite both being bad. I can't say, based on just those tweets, that I see any anti-Latino sentiment in Tom. I'm willing to admit that my knowledge on that front isn't bomb-proof.

The second point, well... I'm sorry to the friend that feels used. They're entitled to be hurt. And I will readily admit that I'm only able to respond to the info within that post. Maybe there IS more to it.

But I don't think that Tom ceasing contact over the hormones is surprising at all, from a mental health standpoint. Put yourself in his shoes: you're a trans person in US, which is its own struggle, and you've reached your mid/early 20s without being able to attain gender-affirming care. Now someone years younger than you just got the thing you want more than anything else. Sure, you might be happy for them. But that is also going to hurt, horribly. You really have three options:

1) stay friends and smother the bitterness/possible resentment. That will either end up ruining your mental health, or coming out and ruining the friendship anyway.

2) Ask your friend not to tell you/post about their transition. That makes it about you and also ruins something that should make them happy.

3) Distance yourself.

Maybe he should have spoken more directly with you about his feelings, granted. But, Tom has not been shy about the fact that he struggles with his mental health. None of us handle every situation well. As far as his occasional venting, I would think, if you WERE his friend, you might have some compassion, and either cease contact if the friendship is not fulfilling, or accept his sincere, well-written apology (Which are the ONLY words straight from Tom’s mouth on the entire fucking post).

Instead, you got the apology from him, and then shared a bunch of gossip between you and another friend, and outed your interpretations of his vent sessions to the world. That's not exactly classy, posting about how he sought people he felt safe with during a time when a big chunk of the community he built is telling him to do horrible things to himself.

I want to make it clear that I don't agree with all of Tom’s views as expressed on his initial explanation post. Again, many of them are issues that I don't feel are my place to get involved in, and therefore I stayed quiet at the time.

I'm aware that the justified and intense hurt felt by people in those communities can mean that even differing opinions feel like a slap in the face. You have every right to see Tom’s views as hurtful and choose to leave, and/or make a separate community for support. I don't blame people who are in those communities for doing so. This post is aimed at the obsessed minority that won't leave the tag/remaining fans/Tom alone.

All of the above being said, the reaction to Tom’s post is the most “touch grass” thing I have ever seen.

Tom liking one or two comics from a dark-humor comic artist so widespread on the internet that I didn't even know he had an actual page, or anything about him as a person (something Tom also stated) = Tom is a Nazi sympathizer.

Tom saying “I don't care for neopronouns, but I won't attack you for using them and will respect what everyone wants to be called” = Tom is a monstrous bigot.

The racism accusation has me especially 💀. All because he liked a post about help from an unexpected source and that we should be kinder to each other.

How on earth are you going to tell a POC that he doesn't know what racism is because he’s NOT THE RIGHT KIND OF POC? Do you hear yourself?

(FWIW, I also don't agree with kink at pride. Sorry. LGBTQ+ people are not "narsty little freaks"--yeah I SAW that post--they're people. They can be kinky, they can be vanilla, whatever. Kink has nothing to do with your orientation, and therefore it isn't part of Pride. Also, my guys, if you're having public sex/being nude at pride for kink reasons, then you're not part of the healthy kink community: safe, sane, and CONSENSUAL. Nobody around you consented to that. Similarly, while I feel that sex education for minors should be normalized in order to give them better tools to tell when they're being groomed, seeing strangers with no pants on is NOT education, that's involving minors in your fetish. And that's fucking gross. )

The LGBTQ+ community in the US is in a lot of trouble right now, and we have a very bad habit of eating our own. We divide and subdivide and allow ourselves to be carved up by a united conservative front.

We do not allow for differing levels of leftist beliefs, and we constantly accuse each other of being not POC/leftists/queer enough, or being the wrong kind, or using a term for ourselves that some other individuals don't like. A great deal of the bullying leveled against him is justified by others saying that he's choosing to support a party that will turn on him and cause him and others like him harm.

Well, to be honest, the only community I see doing that right now is this one.

The amount of disingenuous “OMG, just FYI everyone to everyone hurt by [situation], I’M not transphobic/a bigot, you're all welcome here 😌” posts from people, who did not read his post, did not link to or quote his post. Disgusting. You know very well that nothing in his explanation or in his actions throughout his time in the community pointed to any abuse ON HIS PART towards trans people, non-binary people, people of the Jewish faith, or POC. You're virtue signaling, you're putting lambs blood above your door to keep the baying mob away.

This is insane. When did differing opinions turn into this? You don't have to agree with Tom’s views on anything. You're welcome to not follow his accounts, not like his art, not buy his game. If you feel that his opinions are too severely different from yours, you should be allowed to leave the fandom without people telling you that you should do bad things to yourself because your opinions don't match theirs (sound familiar?).

But…please. Can we stop with this awful parasocial obsession with his personal page? You can't lie to yourself and call it anything other than literal stalking. It's creepy as hell, and it reflects more on you than on him, in the long run. People might agree with your outrage, but deep down, they're afraid of being the next target, and they stay quiet out of fear that you'll stalk them next and send a mob hurling abuse their way.

To Tom, I'm sorry that this happened to you. You didn't deserve anything even close to this level of vitriol and abuse. You started from scratch and created a character and story that I feel was something truly unique. You reached an incredible number of people's hearts with Lurking for Love and Jacob, and no matter what happens from here with both of them, you deserve to feel proud of that. I hope that you are ok. Being a public figure on the internet doesn't mean you don't have a right to private opinions or even just general privacy.

I'm not tagging any characters in this. I'm only tagging the game because I hope other fans get to see that they're not alone. I don't believe the tags should be polluted this way. If you have to discuss a creator, it should be in his tag and not in a fandom space.

I'm aware that there will be deliberate bad-faith readings of this, or nitpicking of things I didn't cover. Whoever wants to, go ahead and respond, but I've said what I came to say, and I have nothing more to add. My inbox is closed and I love the block button.

#lurking for love #lfl game #carnivorekitty

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rhaenin-time · 6 months ago

Text

So, as a native on the internet, this happens every so often in a similar vain, and it's gotten me thinking — and wanting to answer it for anyone else wondering. But first, I'll share an example of a conversation (with permission).

Asker: Can I ask you a question?

Me: sure

Asker: You are native american, right? I don't know if asking this is super offensive (tell me if it is), but what tribe (is that the right word?) are you a part of?

Me: Oh that's not offensive at all. If someone ever tells you that they're "native american" or Indigenous and gets offended at the question or refuses to tell you, that's a red flag. In Canada we tend to either just ask where you're from, or use the word "nation." In the US I think the word "tribe" is a lot more common.

*I'll add an addendum (not part of the conversation) that in an anonymous situation someone might choose not to share because they worry it's too specific — especially if they're from a smaller nation — and could risk doxing. But it's not an 'offensive' question.

Me Again: I'm Cree-Michif. It's actually a little complicated to explain without a background of Canadian history and politics, because there's kind of a misconception that Michif/Métis just means "mixed." But it's just a nation/power structure that formed after the Europeans started to colonize, but before Western Canada was fully colonized.

*ie before "Canada" advanced westward, before smallpox and several epidemics and willful destruction of the environment and food supply enabled that advancement, several overlapping Indigenous multi-national (you might think, "multi-tribal") confederations ruled Western "Canada" and controlled trade with Europeans long after colonial powers would have you believe settlers "owned" and controlled said land.

My overexplaining ass again: But my family is based in a community where you get Métis (Michif), [redacted nation because the combination is too specific], and Cree in close proximity so to avoid confusion I say Cree-Michif so people know I have no [redacted nation] connections. Nations are complicated lol

*another addendum not in conversation: In my case where you're family is both Cree (I won't elaborate on the particular type of Cree because that does get a little too specific for the scary white part of the internet that could put this information together) or another First Nation and Michif, you tend to identify by your political identity/citizenship. Which for me right now is Michif but that might well change to [redacted type of] Cree as more and more past exclusionary laws are repealed (complicated). For many people in certain parts of Canada, the difference between being a member of a "First Nation" or Métis is whether your great great (possibly further) grandparents were enrolled into a "First Nation" and relocated to a reserve (sometimes consisting of multiple nations at that), or "compensated" with scrip (complicated) and fated to join what I'll semi-affectionately call the Métis Road Trash. It's more complicated than that of course but I'm trying to keep it as simple as I can.

Poor Asker who didn't know what they were getting into: Well, I definitely don't have a 10 in Canadian story. Or that class at all.

Me: haha probably not because it's intentional disinformation on Canada's part

"What was that about?" you might ask.

Well, I notice this issue comes up a lot around circles not exposed to "Native Americans." I use that term for the sake of recognition. In a formal setting typically "Indigenous" works if you're talking in a broad sense, but the problem is that it often has a broader interpretation than "Indigenous to North America." Both work in a pinch, though they might come off a little awkward in the wrong situation they won't come off as rude. "Native" kind of gets a bad reputation because of the way racists will use it, but honestly it's the term most natives are comfortable using in informal settings when not referring to a specific nation (see, I even did it there) and "Indigenous" comes off as a little too formal or awkward. But if you're an "outsider" to the subject it's still probably the safest term. Just don't say "Indian." Some natives from the older generations and certain... (subcultures? I want to say?) will use it but it's specific to those contexts. "Indigenous" works fine most times with the occasional "Native American" if you need to get more specific. Even if you're talking about natives in Canada. "Aboriginal" kind of works but it's really fallen out of favour and these days it's more associated with Australia.

Where was I? Right. The colonial powers deliberately under-educate and misinform the world about the matter and I find people are unsure of how to approach it.

So I prefer to compartmentalize my various online activities and so usually keep my real world politics to my real identity, and the politics I can’t do there to… somewhere else. But I have an interesting, diverse reach here not only of people I probably wouldn’t ordinarily engage with, but of people who might not normally engage with or be educated on the subject.

And I do feel like people are often scared to ask questions they worry that, out of ignorance, might come off as “stupid” or racist. But those are also often the questions on people’s minds…

I end up in situations a lot, be it voluntary or accidental, formally and informally, where I'm designated the educator on “native matters” to an assortment of people, even international groups. Moreso than other natives because I tend to operate in more international environments, am formally educated on the matter, and... I’m on the whiter side of the “racially ambiguous” spectrum and for some reason people in general seem to trust my ability to speak “objectively” on the matter than they might otherwise. Can’t imagine why…

So I figured this might be good practice for real life, for anticipating and preparing for those questions people might be afraid to ask.

So I'm starting a sideblog where the anon asks are enabled. Where people can ask whatever "stupid" question regarding Indigeneity has been on their minds. Keep in mind that I am one person with one citizenship with one experience, and I obviously don't speak for all natives, or even all of my nation. But I do have a lot of experience, and knowledge of other experiences, that I reflect on. And I'd call myself knowledgeable and pretty (formally and informally) educated on a lot of matters related to colonization to the point where it makes people uncomfortable — always a good sign.

So what can you ask? Pretty much anything regarding the general concept of Indigeneity as pertains to North America. I'm sure I'll get more specific later on but for now I'm just starting out informally

For example:

my experience or "qualifications" (that I'll explain as specifically as I feel comfortable on the internet. I'll probably also make my own post about it pretty soon)

fictional portrayals

history

terminology

"appropriate" language

"stupid" questions you were too afraid to ask

Some I'll answer in my own opinion, in my experience, to my knowledge, and/or according to my research. I'll try to make it clear which one I speak from.

Again, starting informally. Start off little by little, see what people want to know. And maybe we'll get into some deep dives that I can actually use in real life.

!!! My One Boundary

I'm going to be coming at this in good faith because again, I don't want people to worry about their questions sounding racist. Which means that, to the point where I can be sure the racism is unintentional (don't worry, you won't cross that line by mistake) I'm going to be answering in good faith. Intentional racism will be mocked and debunked accordingly, unless I simply lose the patience and choose to ignore it.

So since I'm already going to be extending my patience a lot in the interest of educating and debunking colonial myths, I am not interested in over-extending it for fandom war gamergate 2.0 nonsense.

The anon option is only for questions regarding Indigeneity. It is not for your fandom war bullshit. It is not a way to reach me after I decided you were annoying or troubling or simply did not have the patience for your nonsense and blocked you. I disable anons here for the same reason I block — I am not interested and I do not have the patience. I know that some of you are reading this because I know that some of you are obsessed. So let me make this clear: if you abuse a tool meant to prepare me to educate others in real life about colonization and Indigeneity, and to educate people here who are interested, you're being a fucking racist.

I know better than most just how much fiction — and popular interpretations of fiction — shape our reality and serve to either challenge or reinforce underlying biases. I find it distasteful enough that a story about the patriarchy has been twisted the way that it has by playing into the bothsidesism and contrarianism that hbo encouraged for profit and is one of the things they’re going to hell for. I reserve the right to choose not to engage with the circles dependent on justifying, denying, and outright endorsing an assortment of bigoted mindsets through, of all things, Catholic-flavoured victim-reversal. No. Take that shit elsewhere. Bury it to be safe.

You can ask me questions about my personal and/or educated opinion on fictional portrayals of Indigeneity or colonialism, including the worldbuilding of ASoIaF. But I repeat, this is not a channel for you to whine to me about your fandom nonsense. I'm coming into this with an extremely open attitude (as open as I can manage at least), and this is the boundary I'm setting. If you cross it by sending shit to waste my patience that I've chosen to extend for completely different reasons, you will not like what I do with it. That threat may sound vague, but my planned course of action is not.

It is so sad that I needed to write that, but I did. And it probably didn't work. But at least I get to be mad about it when it doesn't. And that's what's important.

Anyways... back to the asks!

If it’s a general question, maybe include where you’re from what your education was like. So I can get a sense of how different people are educated on the matter. And ask away! Don't worry if it's not answered right away. Like I said, I'm starting off slowly and informally, with different kinds of answers, sitting on some asks for awhile, until I find a groove.

You can follow/ask me at ask-a-native!

(And I'll likely be reblogging answers here as well. How much depends on how much fandom nonsense ends up funneling through)

#ndn #native american #indigenous #indigenous peoples #first nations #indigenous history

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noisytenant · 9 months ago

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Something I've been thinking about lately is viewing therapy, broadly, as "studying philosophies of wellness and care". A professional therapist is someone who is trained in viewing the world and your experiences through various lenses and trying to offer advice based on what would best create a sense of wellbeing. Of course, the notion of wellbeing itself is part of the philosophical question.

I think therapy, as a professional industry, is incredibly complicated and often profoundly violent. In the pocket of our violent political and economic system, it is for many people synonymous with a vision of wellness that believes in a normative body and mind, that believes "mental health" is an isolatable topic, that is uninterested in systemic analyses, that siloes off knowledge behind expensive institutions, and that prioritizes productivity and alienated self-sufficiency above all else.

It is thus no surprise that so many people are turned off from it completely. Just because the therapeutic industry is nominally focused on wellness does not mean that it is, on the whole, capable of or interested in meaningfully achieving it.

BUT. When we view therapy as a field that collects philosophies of wellness, we can understand that as the sum of its parts it is essentially agendaless.

Therapy "is neither good nor bad, nor is it neutral".

The rejection of wellness as a goal or even a possibility is itself a valid therapeutic philosophy. And there are essentially as many types of therapists as there are types of people--There are many accredited therapeutic practices that draw from philosophies outside the modern capitalist dogma, and each have their own benefits and issues.

If you approach your existing values and politics with the therapeutic lens in mind, you can see how a philosophy of wellness naturally emerges. It is impossible to live without some implicit notions of wellness, whether inherited or constructed. You may also notice how certain areas are lacking, confused, or contradictory, which I think is the natural state of the internal landscape. But by calling attention to the value of integrating disparate notions of wellness--From food and finances to religion and relationships, and all other areas of life--into a whole, you can work toward a more coherent way of living that supports your goals.

It can be illuminating to learn more about therapeutic frameworks when you view them not as medical advice but as ways of thinking. Even if you can't become an accredited expert, many therapeutic practices are innately comprehensible, and you can develop some knowledge about the language and beliefs of different systems through research. The right therapeutic practice can connect various personal truths under a single canopy, and as you learn more, you can move between different ways of thinking and approach the same challenge from multiple different perspectives. Aside from the time and energy spent, I think you can basically only gain from investigating diverse therapeutic thought for yourself, to the extent you feel drawn to do so.

Ultimately, I don't dream of a world where a large class of people act as paid confidants and philosophical experts to a generally clueless laity. Instead, I want every person to be able to acknowledge, articulate, and explore therapeutic philosophies and incorporate this knowledge into their everyday lives. This may, for some people, include working with professional therapists--I have been lucky to have had overally quite positive experiences, and for all my criticisms, I think that reframing therapy as a philosophical endeavor and encouraging research into its particular branches and practices is a key element in making the most of professional therapy.

I hope that some day we can see therapy as something we are all capable of accessing and learning from, not as a monolithic medicalized intervention or professional service but as a vocabulary for considering what affirms our lives.

I can't tell you what it means for you to take agency for your own wellness as you define it, but I think that it is something worth doing, because everyone deserves to feel well. Smiles

#indexed post #Uuhhh i'll let this be rebloggable but like #Im still recovering from covid and on that kinda brain fog shit so this might be like #Not up to snuff in terms of clarity of thought #Might edit it at some point but yeaaaaa #long post

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kotoneshiomiofficial · 2 years ago

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it sucks that i am committed to writing kotone as close to her canon characterization as possible, something that is tricky but doable for the others, because she really does not have many consistent characterization moments. they're either player determinant or from pq2, which have their unique issues

if you go by just p3p, assuming all social links were maxed and only aigis was romanced (the others are player determinant and ultimately, you end up with aigis anyway so im assuming platonic relations all around), you have to go by social link dialogue options and very little else. luckily, s. links have objectively correct answers and thus contain things that canonically kotone would and would not say. this at least gives us a little bit; she's kind, a good listener, and willing to show her fierce side if the needs arises (see saori's social link). but everything else?

now what we have left are the choices during s. links or story events that have NO consequences. this is where things go off the rails: depending on what you choose, you can end up with wildly different versions of the same character. for example, at multiple points, you have the choice between attempting to use violent force to solve a problem or trying to get others to help/resolve it peacefully. we see this is yukari's social link where kotone can try to straight up fight three dudes harrassing yukari, and in saori's where she can try to punch a girl who slapped saori over something that wasnt her fault.

depending on what the player chooses, we get two very different results: either someone who can and does fight well, but chooses to talk out her problems, or someone who seems almost eager to start a fight. its important to note that no one else in this entire cast except maybe akihiko displays this much willingness to throw hands. and again the problem with determinant choices: what do the choices you didn't select mean? was it something kotone was thinking about but didn't do or an abstract method of building your own protagonist? we don't know.

i mentioned pq2 earlier, and my main issue with it is despite kotone being a fully written character, we dont get any more information you couldn't get from p3p or just by looking at her. yes, she's pretty and social and bubbly and fun but she's a little sad too! and now shes back to being fun. yes, you can put together that she's pushing her own emotions down to not burden the group (as it her role in p3p to help others shoulder their burdens) but we really don't see any of it past that one scene. meanwhile in p3p, especially with ryoji near the end of the game, she can say some fairly haunting stuff. like when she's asked what lovers talk about, all she can think of a depressing or (and this is the really worrying one) pointless things. what does that mean? what is kotone's definition of a pointless thing to talk about? it could well be she deems her own emotions as "pointless" because beyond these perhaps unintentionally revealing lines, she never ever talks about how she feels. like ever.

this makes it really important to me to have a very strong interpretation of kotone in order to accurately write her (i dont mean to insult anyone, but i am not a fan of works where her personality is not pulled from the text. i once read a fic where for no reason whatsoever she was portrayed as very immature and described as "childish" and it really did not make any sense to me). so here's my take:

i think kotone is a girl who has a very carefully crafted persona of cheerful indifference; not so much "i don't care", more so "i don't mind". she's clearly okay talking with people, but has no motivation to become close until she connects with SEES (whether because of the wild card ability urging her to do so, or if you're like me and writing an alternate timeline, a golden opportunity to make friends for once.) she is genuinely kind, friendly, and a good listener, that is not a mask; rather its the non-existence of negative emotion she seems to display, using her inherent selflessness to keep everyone at arms length, to make sure things are "about her" as little as possible. she shoulders the burdens of others to avoid talking about or dealing with what burdens her.

however, that negative emotion still absolutely exists: we know she was bounced from one foster home to another, signifying neglect or worse from the parents and/or because kotone was (or perceived as) doing something wrong. this rough childhood shows us the cracks in the mask, as she can be standoffish, depressed, angry, or outright violent towards those who wrong her or the ones she loves. she doesn't want to talk to and gives a nosy girl who just wants akihiko's secrets so she can date him attitude, she's more than happy to tell maiko's parents exactly what she thinks of them, makes at least one actively suicidal comment ("i wish i was dead..." when talking to junpei and yukari), and even attempts to kill takaya after defeating him in battle. the only reason she doesn't is because aigis asks her not to.

in short, her cheerful and energetic exterior is just armor to cover up her severe depression, anger issues, and an unwillingness to open up to others (whether because she doesn't want to be vulnerable, because she doesn't trust others with how she feels, or both).

anyway. this was just a very long-winded ramble. feel free to toss in what you think in the tags, comments, whatever. i honestly love talking about characters like this and am happy to discuss

#six.txt #persona 3 #kotone shiomi

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ps1demodisk · 7 months ago

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I’m sorry, but I’m still genuinely wondering what your motives were. You literally gaslit and manipulated and entire server just trying to have a good time, abused your mod privileges, got multiple people wrongfully kicked and/or banned, and basically turned everyone against each other until the server crumbled and shut down.

What was the reason /gen? Did someone write a fic you didn’t like? Make art you didn’t approve of? Your docs barely explain shit and we’re all still confused.

I'll answer this one as a formality i guess because it seems genuine but I'm still ignoring every other one that comes through because yall are getting weird about your threats in the ask box

The reason you cant understand my motives is because I didn't have one, you're looking at it as if I was intentionally trying to mess things around and hurt people which is why it's not making sense to you

Also kinda not understanding how now it's gaslighting instead of whatever it was before, gaslighting is intentional and for something to be intentional you have to do it on purpose. Manipulation I guess yeah can be unintentional so I'll take that one.

The other thing, with the doc and stuff, how that doesn't give you answers? That's because I still don't know what I did, and even less so at the time I wrote it. No one spoke to me (except the server owner but that was just for themself and not about what everyone else seems to be on about) no one posted anything that was comprehensive enough for me to grasp what all was actually going on, they just made me out to be cartoonishly evil and went on about how everyone needs to heal and be protected from me and how god regrets me gaining consciousness ig but when someone asked what I did because they were scared, they weren't told anything, people acted weird about it, and from what I was told then even initially tried to play it off as nothing happening.

Honestly the only things I take responsibility for here is 1) the fact I wasn't careful with how I spoke to [the server owner] and that it made them feel pressured to agree with me on stuff when they actually didn't agree. and 2) that I let my issues with other people's behaviour escalate into shit talking instead of just keeping it as normal complaining between friends, because yeah I can say "well they did it too" or "they did it worse" but at the end of the day that doesn't negate the fact I also did it? I played my part, and regardless of whether or not Peachy and Sky want to own up to their parts in it, I need to own up to mine. Even if my issues were valid with people it wasn't a pass to be outright rude about them and name call.

I stand by what nut said being racist and I stand by the fact hob sending porn doujins of aged up 17 year olds without telling people that's what they were and shotacon noncon that they feigned ignorance to being shotacon noncon and trying to manipulate our other friend with pretty shitty messages and is weird!

Sorry not sorry this answers probably none of your questions but it's literally the best you're gonna get outta me, I still use the same discord account by the way I just changed the name to @ ps1demodisk in case you still think the name change was to "hide from consequences" or something and not just because I felt like it.

These are the conditions I was forced to write under too so! I'm literally watching these beasts run head first into my glass cabinet like total idiots while I try to get them fed and watered, so if nothing else at least enjoy the bastard children I guess?

#untagged

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quefish77 · 2 years ago

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Write your own fic

I've spent the last couple days devoting free time to busting a fic thief. If you know me, you know why this would be a passion of mine. I had positively identified 5 fics as stolen out of only 13 fics that they posted. I'd only had time to look for 6.

This is enraging. I had to go to bed in the middle of fic 6's hunt, so that doesn't mean it was in the clear. It means that I could no longer read or think straight I was so tired. I'd reached out to all the original writers to notify them as I found the thievery.

As of this morning, the profile has been deleted on Ao3, so those last 7 fics will never get checked. That said, I did DL and have screenshot proof of every other fic.

My anger and disgust for fic thieves is bottomless. Write your own fic.

It's ok to be inspired by a fic and then write your own spin.

There's a difference between multiple people using the same prompt, coming up with similar ideas and reading someone else's fic and then doing some word shuffling and a couple changes and then posting it as your own.

That's not 2 cakes. That's you taking my cake and scraping off some frosting, and reusing it. That's theft whether you like it or not.

And hitting copy/paste in one fandom and just *changing the fucking names* to another fandom is such blatant theft I am speechless.

Write your own. You have no idea the effect having a fic stolen has on a writer. I STILL have issues about it.

Write your own. If you think it is bad, practice. Don't steal someone else's.

WRITE YOUR OWN FUCKING FIC.

#fanfic #write your own fic #plagiarism is fucking wrong

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duckprintspress · 3 years ago

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Advice for Writing Trans Male Characters

Hi everyone, and welcome to our second guest post! We approached a trans man, and fellow writer, to put together a list of suggestions for cis people who want to write trans male characters! He has chosen to remain anonymous. Always remember, there is no one trans experience, and no one trans person’s knowledge will reflect the range of ways that trans people live. Our post author writes from his perspective, based on his knowledge and research, and much of this is relatively specific to the modern United States. Always use multiple sources when writing a character with an identity or identities that you don’t share!

So, you want to write a trans male character but you're not a trans man yourself. Good! We need more trans male characters out there in the world. There are a few things to consider, however. This is not a perfect list (I would never claim to be perfect), but here are some thoughts from a trans man about writing people like me.

Trans men are men. They talk like men, think like men, and walk like men, except where socialization as women has forced otherwise. By this I mean that descriptions should not include things like “he walked delicately, like a woman”. However he walks, it's like a man, because he’s a man. Other characters should not note that he “thinks like a woman” or that he “acts like a woman.” If you talk about a trans man transitioning and you mention that he is working on ways to masculinize his speech patterns or walking, that's fine, but make sure it's done from his perspective, e.g. “Michael tried to lower his voice, attempting to sound more like his father.” Do not use “Michael tried to lower his voice, not wanting to sound like a woman.” It's his voice and he sounds like a man. Also, many woman have deeper registers and many men have higher registers, and there's honestly not that much difference between a woman who speaks in a low alto and a man who speaks in a high tenor. Avoid gendering voices, mannerisms, and other things. A good rule of thumb is that if it's a concept, idea, or an inanimate or non-sentient thing, it is physically and/or emotionally incapable of having a gender and you should not assign one to it.

1. A trans man who has decided that all he needs to do is come out to be a man is still a man, with a man's body and male genitals, because he says he's a man. Even if he is not out, he is a man. He can be uncomfortable with his body, or with how others perceive his body, but it should not be described in terms of “womanly” aspects.

EX: David's breasts made him uncomfortable, reminding him that others looked at him differently than how he would have liked.

2. 72% of trans men do not ever want full gender reassignment surgery, and this doesn’t make them “less of a man.” The surgeries are expensive, invasive, and don’t always result in a fully functional genital apparatus. Also, there are a lot of them. A trans man, to have a full semi-working penis (one that will not be useful for sex but will at least be useful for urination), is looking at at least three surgeries: to remove the labia, to 'bulk up' the clitoris, and to move the urethra. There are also surgeries to remove the cervix and/or the uterus, to create a scrotum, and to add a pump inside the scrotum attached to a surgical implant in the penis to assist with arousal. Even if a man has all these surgeries, the penis he gets loses most of its sensitivity and won’t become physically aroused (as in, achieve erection) without medical intervention. He may also need electrolysis to remove pubic hair. Ultimately, many trans men opt not to deal with it. Many still want top surgery, or a hysterectomy, or both, and often testosterone is used to help deepen their voice and change their body shape (but, again, gendering a trans man's voice by suggesting it's “feminine” because he's not on testosterone or because his voice hasn't dropped yet is not a great idea). It depends on the type and amount of dysphoria a person experiences, versus their financial and mental ability to deal with the different choices. Some trans men are happy with no hormones and only top surgery. Others want or need everything. There is no “correct” way to be trans.

3. Unless your story revolves around their transition (which, as a cis person, maybe it's best you don't do, honestly), there’s no reason to go into detail about your trans male character's surgeries. If it’s not plot relevant, it's probably not necessary.

4. If you’re writing porn, make sure to always use male pronouns for him, even if he has chosen not to go through surgery. If he has gone through surgery, what he has will be indistinguishable from a cis male penis except that he may need viagra or a surgical pump.

5. Reactions to testosterone are different for every trans man. Some men never have their voices drop, never grow a beard, and/or never bulk up and get all muscle-y. Some men are on testosterone for two weeks and have a Gandalf beard with a voice low enough to sing bass. It just depends, mostly on genetics. If your character's father is a super hairy mountain man who sings bass in his lumberjack quartet, then your character is more likely to end up similar. If your character's father is basically an elf, then he's likely to be similar to that. Also, for a number of reasons, a trans man may choose not to or may be incapable of taking testosterone. Most doctors won’t prescribe it if the man wants to carry his own children in the future, for example.

6. Keep in mind that the order in which testosterone produces effects on a man’s body isn’t predictable, so don't worry too hard about 'getting it right.' Even trans men can't predict what they'll look like after being on testosterone for a while.

7. Also, a note: If your character is transmasculine and nonbinary, and taking testosterone, it's likely they will be on a lower dose than a trans man. That's not always true, but testosterone can be given at a few different doses, depending on how drastic a change a person wants and how quickly they want that change to occur. There’s still no guarantee: a trans man may never be able to grow a beard on a full dose, while a transmasculine nonbinary person might be on a very low dose and have a beard within the first month. But, generally, lower doses are meant to bring out smaller changes over a longer period of time, while higher doses are meant to bring out larger changes over a shorter period of time.

8. A non-fluid trans man is going to consider himself a man at all times, and always use he/him pronouns for himself, whether or not everyone else does. If you're writing a trans man point-of-view piece where he's not out or where he's not fully accepted, make sure he or the narrator always uses the right pronouns when others don't. That helps remind your audience that he's not the person other people think he is.

EX: Daniel was frustrated. His grandmother insisted on calling him “Sarah” no matter how many times he corrected her.

9. Menstruation is a difficult topic for a lot of trans men. Some men lose their ability to menstruate when they take testosterone, while others continue to menstruate. If they retain their uterus, however, the possibility of a menstrual cycle is always there. If/when menstruation happens for a trans man, it's often a time of major dysphoria. A trans man may have a lot of issues surrounding menstruation. Having a cervix also means yearly Pap smears, which can also be uncomfortable or dysphoria-inducing. Dysphoria can also happen during ovulation, when a person is most fertile. The body during this time is “getting ready for a baby” and the changes can be very triggering.

10. Testosterone may stop menstruation, but it doesn't necessarily stop pregnancy. Also, some trans men will go off their testosterone in order to carry their own child. During their pregnancy, it is important that they are still referred to as men. A trans man will generally prefer to be called “father” even if he carried the child, but some may prefer the term “mother.” If a cis person wishes to write a pregnant trans character, it would be better to err on the side of caution and use “father.” A trans man who has gone through top surgery will not likely be able to nurse his own children, but a man who has chosen to use a binder instead will be able to (probably - some people don’t/can’t lactate for other reasons). Whether or not he chooses to will be up to him.

11. Gender Dysphoria is the medical diagnosis given to trans people who want to do any form of medical transitioning. Being transgender is not in and of itself a diagnosis. A person can be transgender and choose never to transition medically. Dysphoria is generally most clearly understood as a form of discomfort in the body you possess. Sometimes a person experiencing dysphoria is uncomfortable with their body no matter what. He doesn't like his breasts, for example, unless they are bound, no matter what his setting is, who is looking at him, etc. His dysphoria takes the form of nausea at the mere sight of them. Alternatively, some people only experience dysphoria relating to how others see them. For example, a man may not mind his breasts when he's alone, and he doesn't usually bind, but on a specific day while he wasn't binding someone glance at his breasts before calling him 'ma'am' and now he can't uncross his arms in case someone else looks his way. For some people dysphoria comes and goes, and they have good days and bad days. Also, images can be dysphoria-inducing. For example, seeing a pregnant person might remind a man that he has a uterus, and make him extremely uncomfortable all day. Other people may go several days, or weeks or months, without experiencing dysphoria, but when it hits it affects them for a long time or very severely. Or a person might experience dysphoria every day, as kind of a low-level mental fog they can't shake.

12. Gender Euphoria is as valid as Gender Dysphoria. Gender Euphoria is the idea that a person might be content in the body given to them, but will never be truly happy unless they make a change. These people can live their whole lives as the gender assigned to them at birth without severe mental issues or physical problems, but it's like living a life without color. They can do it, but if there's a way to get color back, why wouldn't they?

13. Changing names is complicated and takes time. It also differs in every state/country, and may need to be re-done when a trans man moves. In some states, all they need to change their name legally is a court order. In other areas, a trans man needs to have lived using their new name for a period of time, or have doctor’s notes and authorizations. Once the character has changed their name legally through the courts, they need to change their driver's license, banking information, insurance, work papers, social security information, passport, birth certificate, and any other documentation bearing their name. It can take anywhere from a month to a year or more, and is expensive, sometimes prohibitively so. It's okay to have a trans male character who goes by “Mark” but whose parents or grandparents refer to as “Melissa.” The important thing is to make sure narratively you are confirming that those people are wrong.

EX: “Melissa! It's nice to see you come to visit!” Mark's mom said. Mark cringed, hating the sound of his deadname, but he hadn't yet been able to convince his mother to use the right one.

14. Do not portray a character binding for more than eight hours or with unsafe binders in a positive light. Just don’t. Binding, even with professional/high-end binders, is not safe. It's a stopgap - safer than not binding at all for some people whose dysphoria is really bad. It constricts the lungs and can break ribs if not done properly. It can permanently alter a person's chest cage if done for an extensive period of time. It's a necessary evil for people who are waiting to get their surgery done, in order to keep them alive to have that surgery. It's not a permanent cure-all. Binding also can cause dysphoria. A person who doesn't have dysphoria surrounding his chest can develop it after wearing a binder. So, have your character bind safely, or discuss the issues surrounding unsafe binding. (And yes, this applies even in a fantasy setting or world where the technology may be different. A story is a story, but the impact it could have on a real trans man is potentially dangerous, so write with consideration, and if you do introduce a magical or technological solution to this, maintain awareness of the reality.)

15. Transitioning without an in-person support group is one of the most common factors in transitioning regret. Give your character someone to go to the doctor with them, someone to hold their hand when they get scared, someone to talk them through moments when they're unsure. No one who goes under the knife is always completely 100% sure all the time. They need a community. Surgery and hormones are scary, even if a trans man knows he wants them, and trying to go it alone can spell disaster.

16. Given that a trans man will consider himself a man, it can be challenging to make it clear to a reader that he’s trans. If he's the main/POV character, you can write him dealing with some dysphoria. For example, if you decide your character binds, mention that his breasts are bothering him particularly badly one day. Have him adjust his binder. Describe putting a binder on. That kind of thing. If he's a minor character, it can be more challenging, but you can still have him do things like adjust a binder. You could also mention surgical scars, if a character takes off their shirt. Another thing you can do is just have the main character remember a time “before Mark went by Mark” (for example). Another way is to have the character mention some way in which they are fighting for trans rights, and acknowledge that the issue is personal to them. Try not to use the deadname unless he’s facing an actual microaggression by another character. The narrative or narrator character should never deadname the character.

17. FTM is not an accepted term anymore, as it implies that a person was one thing and changed. Generally speaking, if a trans man is not genderfluid, then he was never female or a woman. Likewise, the phrase “born in the wrong body” is not acceptable for use by cis people. The only real use it has is to explain dysphoria by transgender characters to cisgender characters who aren't inclined to listen or try to understand. The accepted term is AFAB, or Assigned Female At Birth. Keep in mind that terms and labels change with time, so do your research. For example, if you’re writing a historical piece, different terms may be more appropriate, and if you’re writing a modern current-day piece, understand that in ten or twenty years the terminology you use will likely have grown outdated.

18. The proper way to write the term is always “trans man” and never “transman”. Trans is an adjective describing a type of man, just like you might say an Asian man or a muscled man or a gay man. This comes back to the idea that a trans man is always a man, first and foremost.

19. An easy pitfall to avoid if your trans male character's setting is modern or modernesque is: Don't make the story all about their oppression. We are aware of the many ways in which the modern world is trying to oppress and harm the trans community, but trans men can still be happy and interesting people. They can have dysphoria without being depressed. They aren’t necessarily the “down in the dumps” character. Also, trans men have a long history of being activists, and are often erased in history, so don't be afraid to make your trans men an out-and-loud activist. Yes, terrible things have happened and continue to happen to trans men, and any trans man who has done any research into trans history will know about individuals like Brandon Teena. Trans men know the dangers they face. Knowing that bad things can and are happening doesn't mean a trans man can't find his own joy in life, despite things not being perfect.

20. Keep in mind when writing in historical settings that trans men have existed for as long as people have existed. Many trans men were able to go through life completely “undetected” until they died and those around them conducted culturally-common burial practices. It’s not unreasonable to have a trans man in Regency England, Yuan China, or Roman times. If you're writing about non-European-centric history, many cultures acknowledged those who didn’t present the way their AGAB (assigned gender at birth) would suggest, and do your research. Also, keep intersectionality in mind, and tread especially carefully when writing a trans man from a culture and period other than your own. This post is mostly applicable to trans men in the modern era, and especially in the United States. The trans male experience will be different in other places in the world, for people of different ages and of different religions and ethnicities and races, so the more traits your trans man has that are outside your own experience as a cis writer, the more you should consider if it’s wise for you write the story you have in mind, or if it might not be better to allow in-group members to tell those stories. And never forget - trans men can and are all things - all races, all religions, abled and disabled, etc. People have nuanced identities and multiple identifiers and trans is always only one of many.

21. In fantastical or science fiction settings, please always ask yourself if oppression of trans people or bigotry against them is even needed. Maybe a society doesn't assign gender at birth, but waits until a child is old enough to tell the society where they belong. Maybe a society reveres those who are under the transgender umbrella. Maybe children are considered genderless until they reach puberty. You have a million and one options; why limit yourself to what modern predominantly Western white Christian society says? If you do make a society that doesn't look anything like the modern world, for example they assign gender at age five, think about how that would affect society as a whole. What kind of pronouns would be used for children under five? Are young children genderless, or are they seen as genderfluid? What about people who age past five and are still genderless or genderfluid? What are the naming conventions for children?

22. There are mixed feelings regarding how a science fiction or fantasy setting should treat transitioning. Should it be an easy fix, with magic or advance science doing it instantly or nearly so? Or should it be difficult, reflecting the modern situation where the process often years before a person can feel “finished?” That's up to you. Trans people themselves are split on this, so there’s no pleasing everyone. Do your best, and whichever way you choose, make sure to tag it accurately or, for original fiction, be clear up front what approaches you’ve chosen, so people can choose not to read something that may make them uncomfortable at best or trigger them and profoundly harm them at worst.

Ultimately, your trans man is your character and you can do with him as you wish. Write responsibly, and do your research, and if you can, get a sensitivity reader or a beta who is a trans man.

So, go, diversify those stories, write the things, and present good representation! Happy writing!

#duck prints press #original content #writing advice #guest blogger #trans characters #trans men

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bakubabes-tatakae · 4 years ago

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Congrats on 4K bbe! You deserve ALL the love and support! Your writing is👌 I unfortunately missed your 1k so can I please have Isaac Foster NSFW alphabet? Thank you sooo much❤️❤️❤️

Thank you so much bby. 🥺❤️ I’m always happy to write for this maniac. I hope you enjoy them. 👏

Event Masterlist

NSFW Below 👇

A (Aftercare)

Zack might not seem like the most lovey of people, but that’s where you’d be wrong. If there’s anything that Zack Foster loves after a roll in the hay it’s cuddling after. This man makes sure that you’re comfortable and doesn’t ever want to let go of you. No matter how rough the two of you might get, he wants to make sure that you’re in his arms when it’s all said and done.

B (Body Part)

His favorite part of your body is going to be your ass. Isaac Foster is an ass man, there’s no denying that at all. He loves the way it looks when it walks in front of him or the way it looks as he’s pounding himself into you from behind. And don’t think you’re getting past this man without a firm smack to it nearly every time.

C (Cum)

If there’s one thing that Isaac Foster has a lot of... it’s cum. This man’s favorite place to put it is right on your chest. He absolutely loves the way that you look with his seed all over you. And it’s even better for him if some makes it to your face.

D (Dirty Secret)

Zack isn’t one for secrets, you’ll know pretty much everything about him. The dirtiest secret this man has is probably the fact that he’s nearly always picturing you naked. He was locked up in that building for so long without seeing someone of the opposite sex that it’s just a habit for him now.

E (Experience)

If experience is a deal breaker for you than Zack is not the guy. This man is pretty much a newbie when you meet him. He’s never really gotten any experience with anything but his hand. If you’re looking for a wild night right from the start then you’ve got another thing coming. He’s gonna need some time to get the hang of things first.

F (Favorite Position)

With his almost animalistic side Zack much prefers doggy style. He loves to be able to run his hands down your back and grip your hair. It gives him perfect leverage to reach down and tease you a little bit while he ruthlessly rolls his hips into you. He loves the way it looks when he wraps his hand around your throat and pulls you up against him, pressing your body to his chest.

G (Goofy)

Zack is most definitely not a goofy guy in bed. He’s got one goal and one goal only... getting the two of you to your release. He’ll focus more on making sure that you get your world rocked, but don’t think he wont go back to himself once he gets you there.

H (Hair)

Isaac Foster is not much of a groomer. When he was trapped in that building he never really had any means of making sure that happened so he’s now used to that. He wouldn’t object to it if you were to mention it to him, but he’s most definitely not going to take that upon himself.

I (Intimacy)

Once Zack gets used to a person and really starts to fall head over heels he’s going to be a very intimate person in bed. He’ll want to make sure that he tells you a thousand times that he loves you or how beautiful you look while you get your insides rearranged. He’s never one to keep the compliments away while you’re in private.

J (Jack Off)

Before he met you the only thing that this man had to do in his lonesome was jack off. He would multiple times a day just to pass the time. So when you meet him, he’s definitely got control on how long he’s going to last in a round. He’s not going to be able to break that habit easily either, so every chance that he gets when you leave he’ll probably have his hand wrapped around it.

K (Kink)

If you weren’t aware, Isaac Foster has a fascination with knives and sharp things. Don’t think for a second that it isn’t going to transfer into his sexual life. This man loves the way you look as he slowly slides the knife across your skin, the cool metal causing shivers to run through your whole body. He’d never actually harm you with them, just likes the way you squirm when he plays around with them.

L (Location)

This man’s libido is out of control. There’s no place that he wont have a little fun with you. It doesn’t matter where you are, if he’s got the urge he’s going to pull you aside and fuck you against a wall. He’s very fond of finding a secluded place where there’s a chance of getting caught. He wants the whole world to know who you belong to.

M (Motivation)

It doesn’t take much to get him going, but if you really want to do it in as little time as possible than the best way to do that is by wearing tight pants around him. He’s a sucker for the way they accent all your curves. He’ll want to maul you in an instance.

N (No)

The only thing that Zack will probably say no to, is anything that involves him being the one being penetrated. He’s pretty open about the rest of the sexual world. He’s willing to try anything once and he’ll be sure to tell you how he feels about it after. And the thing you want to avoid that will turn him off is when you complain too much. He’s definitely not a fan of that. He knows that life is rough, but he can’t help but think of that things that he’s gone through in his life and compare them.

O (Oral)

Once he gets the hang of it, Zack is going to be a very big fan of both giving and receiving oral. He loves the way that you look with your head between his legs and he loves to watch you squirm with your ass in the air as he licks your core, hitting all the right places.

P (Pace)

There’s one thing that Isaac Foster is not good at, and that’s doing anything slow. He loves to watch you writhing underneath him as he ignores all your pleas to slow down. He might be quick, but he’s always sensual at the same time. He wants you to know that he loves and appreciates you at the same time as he gives you the ride of your life.

Q (Quickie)

Zack is a huge fan of the quickie. If you let him get quickies in throughout the day that just means less time he has to spend with his cock in his hand. Once he gets that urge he’s got to satisfy it, whether it’s by himself or with you. It’s happening and he’s got no control over it.

R (Risk)

He’s pretty experimental when it comes down to it. There’s very little that Zack wont try and he’s not against being in public either. He hasn’t found much in his sexual life that he’s not alright with, even if that only means doing something once in a while.

S (Stamina)

I really hope that you’re prepared if you’re deciding to be with this man. He can go all night and last for what seems like forever. He’s trained himself to last longer than you’d expect. He wants to make sure you’ve come a couple of times before he even decides that he’s done. His control over that is incredible.

T (Toys)

Zack doesn’t own any toys himself, but he’s not against using any toys on you. He loves to watch as you come undone under your own toys, whether he’s the one in control of it, or you are. Just picture him licking his lips as he hovers over you, slowly pulling your toy in an out of you as you attempt to cover you face from him, the pure pleasure almost too much.

U (Unfair)

Zack loves to tease, but hates when it happens to him. He gets enough urges on his own, the last thing that he wants is someone else coming in and making them one hundred times worse. But he’s definitely always happy to tease you and see if he can get you going. He loves when you beg him.

V (Volume)

If you’re looking for a quiet partner than I think you need to look somewhere else. Zack never had a need to keep himself quiet when he was by himself, and he isn’t going to start now. Whether it’s grunts and groans coming from him or him asking you to be louder, it will never be silent in his bedroom. He loves to hear you and he loves to have you hear just how good you’re making him feel.

W (Wild Card)

Zack will never admit it to you, but he’s glad that if he were to meet anyone to learn all these experiences with... it’s you. And he knows that he plays it up sometimes when he’s acting clueless, but he’s not as clueless in certain departments as you think he is.

X (X-Ray)

As surprising as it will be to you, Zack is packing some heat. He’s long and wide and he knows how to use it. He loves when you comment on that fact, it’ll make him crawl in his skin with anticipation, or it will get him that much closer to his release.

Y (Yearning)

This mans libido is out of this world. He basically wants it 24/7, so don’t think for a second that if you ask he’ll say no. I don’t think he’s ever had a time in his life where he would say no. He’s always happy to oblige, especially to his woman.

Z (Zzz)

Zack has a lot of issues with sleep so sex before bed is a surefire way to get him to sleep. He usually falls asleep very shortly after a round in the sack. Either it takes away his stress, or just gives him that little boost of serotonin that he needs to get his mind to stop racing.

Taglist: @monic00l @strangeinternetwasteland @rowley-with-ackerman @chaoticsimptown @ellechanwrites @bonnisimpparker @impinthecloset

#isaac foster x reader #isaac foster x y/n #isaac foster x you #zack foster x reader #zack foster x y/n #zack foster x you #angels of death x reader #angels of death x y/n #angels of death x you #isaac foster headcanons #zack foster headcanons #angels of death headcanons #isaac foster smut #zack foster smut #angels of death smut #bakubabes hatake celebrates 4k

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figs-and-cigs · 1 month ago

Text

Polyamorous Ask Game

Light and Fun Questions:

1. If you could go on a date with any fictional character, who would it be and why?

Buffy will always be my favorite show and Spike will always be my number one crush.

2. What’s your favorite group activity to do with multiple partners?

Dinners. Whether it's going to a restaurant or a potluck at someone's house. Sharing meals is just the ultimate form of connection and community imo.

3. What’s a dream vacation spot where you’d love to bring all your partners?

Not a big traveler but we're fortunate to have a lifestyle resort nearby a lot of go to every year for a weekend. A longer vacation there would be a dream.

4. What’s the most unique date you've ever been on?

We went to a speed dating event and then invited "potential dates" on our dinner date. It became a funny and awkward hangout with three extra people who were not poly.

5. If your love life had a theme song, what would it be?

Melissa McClelland's A Girl Can Dream.

6. What's the most creative way you’ve celebrated an anniversary?

Swingers resort. Not really creative for us, but to the vanillas sure.

7. What’s your ideal day spent with one or more partners?

Staying in, ordering food, cuddling and watching movies. Always.

8. Do you prefer solo dates, double dates, or group hangouts?

All of them are amazing. Depends on how I'm feeling, what types of connections I'm desiring, but typically prioritize solo dates over anything else. Group hangouts don't necessarily involve partners.

9. What’s a hobby you’d love to introduce to one or more of your partners?

Dancing. Seriously, they're going to keep getting invited to dance lessons.

10. If you and your partners were superheroes, what would your team name be?

Like our calendars could ever line up well enough for that to happen. (I'm copping out of this one because I have no idea.)

Thoughtful & Reflective Questions:

1. What does emotional intimacy mean to you in polyamory?

Open communication, about anything, without fear or judgment.

2. How do you manage jealousy when it comes up?

Reason things out with a supportive friend or therapist. Journaling. Focusing on my own hobby. Then communication with my partner if needed. Am I jealous? Fearful the relationship is changing? Am I experiencing FOMO? If I can answer these on my own, I can also find a collaborative solution.

3. How do you prefer to communicate about boundaries in your relationships?

I'm a texter. I usually start there if not on a date where it comes up. I try to be clear and direct. In my experience, boundaries are guidelines for me and don't always need communicated, but will be stated when necessary. For example, I don't answer the phone after midnight - but I will share this information if a partner calls at 1am.

4. How has polyamory changed your perspective on love and relationships?

Love is an infinite resource. There's freedom and beauty in not putting strict rules about how love and relationships evolve. Relationships are more about choosing each other rather than obligation and we each carve our own paths.

5. What’s your favorite part about being in multiple relationships?

The experiences and getting to know so many people on an intimate level.

6. What’s a challenge in polyamory that you didn’t expect but have learned to navigate?

How relationships escalate. NRE and moving too fast into integrating into each other's lives creates way more difficulties than I realized until it happened.

7. How do you balance time between multiple partners and self-care?

Prioritizing my self-care is my number one boundary. I have chronic health issues, so this was something I had to do even before entering polyamory. Mondays are my rest days, period. My schedule fluctuates and isn't always as consistent as some people would like - I find partners who can understand and respect that.

8. How do you support your partners when they’re experiencing tough emotions?

Listening. That's really the only answer. I can validate emotions, share my own experiences, things that help me - but my role is to listen and not fix.

9. What do you love most about your polycule or chosen family?

The support, watching everyone work on their self improvement and growth, getting to be a witness to everyone's journey's while I'm on my own.

10. What’s a misconception about polyamory that you wish people understood better?

It's NOT ALL TRIADS!

Spicy/More Personal (if comfort levels allow):

1. What’s your favorite way to connect physically with a partner?

Cuddling.

2. What’s your favorite memory of a shared experience with multiple partners?

Hubby and I shared a room at a resort with another couple we'd been friends with for years. While no romantic partners - the intimate friendship was there. It was a wild weekend and we all still talk and laugh about it.

3. What does compersion (happiness for a partner’s other relationships) look like for you?

Instead of feeling jealous or envy it's a literal sense of, "I want that for them!"

4. What’s something that excites you about group dynamics in polyamorous relationships?

First thought that came to mind was sitting between two partners and literally reaching up to stroke their beards simultaneously. Really, it's just the ability to show affection to multiple people at once in a variety of ways, doing what comes naturally and it not ending another relationship.

5. How do you approach intimacy in different types of relationships?

Depends on the individual and the relationship.

6. Do you have a go-to method for initiating deeper conversations with a partner?

"Hey, I want to talk about ____, do you have the spoons for that right now or can we schedule a time?"

7. What’s an act of affection that makes you feel loved and appreciated?

A message to let me know they're thinking about me and arranging for quality time, no matter how short.

8. What are your feelings on sharing space, like sleeping arrangements, with multiple partners?

My home is off limits (have a kiddo at home), but at an event, sleepover, resort etc. anything can happen. Just know that cuddle puddles get hot and uncomfortable and arrangements will change throughout the night. We're definitely more garden party poly, most of us share spaces outside of our homes.

9. What’s one boundary that’s especially important to you in your relationships?

Communication. Period. Don't assume, talk about it.

10. What’s something sexy you’d love to try in a group setting?

Nothing on my bucket list at the moment, but that could change.

This was fun. Thanks!

Polyamorous Ask Game

Light and Fun Questions:

If you could go on a date with any fictional character, who would it be and why?

What’s your favorite group activity to do with multiple partners?

What’s a dream vacation spot where you’d love to bring all your partners?

What’s the most unique date you've ever been on?

If your love life had a theme song, what would it be?

What's the most creative way you’ve celebrated an anniversary?

What’s your ideal day spent with one or more partners?

Do you prefer solo dates, double dates, or group hangouts?

What’s a hobby you’d love to introduce to one or more of your partners?

If you and your partners were superheroes, what would your team name be?

Thoughtful & Reflective Questions:

What does emotional intimacy mean to you in polyamory?

How do you manage jealousy when it comes up?

How do you prefer to communicate about boundaries in your relationships?

How has polyamory changed your perspective on love and relationships?

What’s your favorite part about being in multiple relationships?

What’s a challenge in polyamory that you didn’t expect but have learned to navigate?

How do you balance time between multiple partners and self-care?

How do you support your partners when they’re experiencing tough emotions?

What do you love most about your polycule or chosen family?

What’s a misconception about polyamory that you wish people understood better?

Spicy/More Personal (if comfort levels allow):

What’s your favorite way to connect physically with a partner?

What’s your favorite memory of a shared experience with multiple partners?

What does compersion (happiness for a partner’s other relationships) look like for you?

What’s something that excites you about group dynamics in polyamorous relationships?

How do you approach intimacy in different types of relationships?

Do you have a go-to method for initiating deeper conversations with a partner?

What’s an act of affection that makes you feel loved and appreciated?

What are your feelings on sharing space, like sleeping arrangements, with multiple partners?

What’s one boundary that’s especially important to you in your relationships?

What’s something sexy you’d love to try in a group setting?

#polyamory #ethical non monogamy #polyamorous #polyamorous relationships #polyam #poly relationship #polyam dating #polyam life #polyamourous #nonmonogamy

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sergiovinazzi · 3 years ago

Text

Stolen - Lando Norris x Reader (Chapter Two)

2.9k words, rated E for everyone :)

Lando’s voice, amplified by the TV speakers, echoes around the humming Red Bull garage. “I’m fine but I’ve been better. I can say that I’m not in perfect condition, I’m not gonna lie. Some work to do mentally of course. I talk about that a lot, and mental health and mental strength is very important. I’ve not been sleeping that great and so on… not ideal and I’m feeling a bit sore, but I’m not the guy in the worst position after Wembley. I’ll work on it, I’ll make sure I’m in the best shape possible, and I feel like I can still go out and focus on what I need to do, and that’s the main thing.”

Your mind races as you listen to the boy plastered across the many screens revisit his experience at Wembley. He sounds awful; something about his cadence making it even more obvious that he is really, truly shaken up. The wavering pitch, awkward pausing, fumbling for words; everything about the way he presents himself is serving as a brutal reminder that being physically unscathed is no indicator that harm was not dealt. Even as the interview moves past the topic of last week’s Euro Final, you notice the shift in demeanor and your heart aches. You worry that bringing the watch to him is a bad idea, that it could prompt unbidden memories and disquieting feelings. You understand how big of an event Silverstone is from your dad’s tangents alone, especially for an English team with an English driver, so you reevaluate whether your decision to come was selfish, one made solely to alleviate your own sentiments of guilt rather than to verily right your believed wrongdoings.

On the journey to Silverstone, your dad had made multiple attempts at lessening your stress, even opting for variations of the if he steps out of line I will put him right back in his place father speech. Unfortunately fruitless, your father’s attempts mean you remain just as anxious as when you had first discovered that you managed to obtain a stolen wristwatch.

You’re not sure whether it’s the crisp morning air or your nerves that sends chills across your flesh, but your attempt to ground yourself subtly doesn’t go unnoticed by your dad as he passes you in the garage.

“Time is ticking,” he informs you, a smirk playing on his lips. “No pun intended.”

You roll your eyes in an attempt to downplay your apprehension, but your voice gives away any and all signs of the false confidence you hope to portray. “Can you do it for me?” you plead.

“I can’t just stroll on over to the McLaren garage without an invitation or proper reason, especially not a couple hours before free practice starts. It doesn’t look good.”

“It’s not like me walking in there instead would look any better,” you retort, gesturing to the Red Bull logo plastered across the chest of your black polo. “Your branding isn’t what I would call subtle.”

“Look, the McLaren team are a good sort. They’ll help you out if you just explain the issue and show them the watch. I’m sure Lando will understand too, he seems like a pretty nice bloke,” your dad reassures you.

Sighing, your eyes meet the floor, fingers intertwined with each other as you fidget incessantly. Before you can speak up in further defiance, however, an additional set of footsteps grow nearer and you freeze at the voice which speaks up.

“Christian, how much longer until our media slot?”

You lose your breath momentarily, locking your gaze onto your shoes as you wait for the person to pass by.

“About five minutes, Max,” your dad replies. “We were just about to head over.”

When you hear the footsteps grow fainter, you risk looking up, thankfully being met with only the observance of your father. You don’t even realize that you’ve tensed your body until your dad points it out.

“Relax,” he says. “He’s not going to say anything here, especially not on a race weekend.”

Nodding, you feel your shoulders ease up but you remain quiet.

“Anyways, like I said, our media briefing and interviews start soon and we’re after McLaren this weekend so they should already be back in their garage,” he says, realizing that you still appear troubled by the task ahead of you. “I promise you, everything will be fine. Just go over there and I’ll meet you back here when we’re done. The quicker you head over, the quicker you’re done with it and we can all move on." With that, your dad walks away and you reluctantly leave the Red Bull garage, adjusting your shirt as you straighten up.

You take a brief glance at your phone, turning it off after you try one last time to keep the picture of the boy imprinted in your mind. Eyes darting rapidly, you attempt to scan the paddock for anyone looking remotely like him while you make your way towards the bright orange and blue indicators of the McLaren garage.

The frequency of orange-clad individuals grows the further you stray from the safety of Red Bull’s garage, and you feel your heartbeat begin to increase. Worried that someone would stop you before you could approach the one person you had traveled all the way to Silverstone for in the first place, you quicken your pace.

You’re mere meters away when you spot him. Pushing past a few people while trying to keep your eyes trained on him, you watch as he turns around to talk briefly with the woman next to him.

Huffing, you muster up the little confidence you have and tap him on the shoulder.

His confusion is evident and the blonde woman next to him does not look pleased to have been interrupted. The silence is palpable as they stare at you, expecting an explanation for the abrupt ending of their conversation.

“Hi,” is all you can deliver. You’re at a loss for words while the woman next to him seems to lose what little patience she has with you. Everything you had rehearsed beforehand, gone. Your mind is foggy and your mouth feels dry as you try to compose yourself. “Um, can I talk to you for a second? It won’t be long, I promise.” Your voice breaks at the end and you wish you had never agreed to get on that stupid red-eye to Silverstone in the first place.

Lando offers a look of sympathy and then turns to the woman next to him. “Charlotte, could you just give us a second?”

Pursing her lips and turning on her heel, the woman walks away, heading towards the mouth of the McLaren garage. She’s far enough away that you’re out of earshot, but close enough that you feel her gaze linger as Lando turns back to face you.

“Hey, don’t worry,” he tells you with a smile. “We can take a picture if you want or I can sign some stuff for you.”

“What? No.” You shake your head, mentally slapping your palm against your forehead and forcing yourself to get a grip. Idiot. “Fuck, sorry, that sounded so rude! It’s just-” you rush to explain.

“Oh no, it’s okay!” he stammers. “I should’ve guessed from the Red Bull shirt anway.”

You both share an awkward laugh before you compose yourself and reach a shaky hand into your bag.

“This is going to sound so weird, but I was online shopping for a new watch the other day because I lost mine, and I’m pretty sure I bought the one that was stolen from you. I didn’t know anything about it, I swear. I just...well, here,” you say, offering the watch and its temporary box to Lando.

He looks at you, taking the box only to go wide-eyed at the contents inside.

“I have all the information that I was able to get, but the ad was taken off of eBay and I really wanted to do the right thing and give it back to you. Please don’t be mad.”

“What the hell?!” he exclaims, earning a few looks from people passing by and catching Charlotte’s attention once more. “Sorry, sorry. How did you get this?”

Amused, you laugh quietly while he studies the watch intently. “That was my dad’s reaction too. Basically there was a listing for it on eBay and it was sort of an impulse buy,” you explain. “I didn’t see the news coverage of what happened until afterwards and I felt awful. I’m really sorry you had to go through that, I genuinely had no idea.”

Shrugging, he plays it off. “Nothing I can’t handle.” It’s hard to miss his sudden change in attitude from the interview you watched moments ago and you can’t help but wonder whether he has your or the watch’s presence to thank.

There is a brief moment of silence between you both before he continues. “How much did you pay for it?”

“It was so cheap, honestly,” you say. “Nothing compared to the original price, I’m sure.”

Charlotte, alerted by Lando’s attention-grabbing reaction to being reunited by his watch, returns to where the two of you are standing. “Oh wow, did you find a replacement watch for him?” she asks you, clearly impressed by the apparent likeness.

“No, Charlotte”, he corrects her. “It’s my one. Look.” He hands the watch to his PR manager, who receives it so gently you think she’s afraid it might shatter in her hands. Flipping the watch between her fingers, she studies the small engraving on the underside of the face.

“Oh my god,” she whispers.

Lando nods. “It’s the exact date it was given to me, there’s no way anyone else could know that and make a copy of it.”

You feel the need to justify yourself to her. “It was listed online and I bought it before I knew anything about the situation. I didn’t even really know who Lando was until I saw what happened on the news, I swear.” You anticipate her anger or disapproval, preparing yourself to withstand the lecture you’re about to receive and mentally promising that, as soon as it’s over, you can run back to your dad and tell him you just want to go home.

But it doesn’t come.

“I can’t believe it!” she exclaims. “We all thought we’d never see it again and you found it on accident.” The smile she gives you sets your mind at ease. “Technically, this is a police matter now, so I’ll have to hand it over to the right people, but this helps us tremendously. Did you get any information about the seller?”

You explain the situation to her, about how the listing was taken offline but you have a printout of the messages and address the seller gave you, which you hand her from your bag. She lets you know that someone may get in touch soon to ask questions but not to worry, that it’s only a formality. Eventually, she asks if you’d like to watch free practice from a spot in the mobile hospitality unit, but you politely decline, explaining that you needed to get back to your dad in the Red Bull garage instead.

Charlotte smiles fondly at Lando and presses the brim of his cap down over his eyes. “Come on, you, we have to go and get ready now anyway.”

He takes off his hat, cheeks flushing as he makes an effort to quickly brush the curls lining his forehead, placing it back on and dismissing Charlotte with a wave of his hand. “Okay, just give me a minute.”

Once the two of you are alone, he pulls out his phone. “Do you have Venmo? I’ll pay you back, it’s not fair that you had to waste your money.”

“Oh, don’t worry about it.”

Lando seems unconvinced. “It’s really not a problem.”

“Seriously, it’s all good.”

“Well,” he continues awkwardly. “I have to go, but are you here for the whole weekend or...?”

You shake your head. “Just today. I’m not into Formula 1, I find it a little bit boring.”

“Seriously?! The fastest cars in the world and you’re calling it boring? Why even come to something like Silverstone if it’s so boring?” he feigns offense, doing air quotes as he imitates your apparent disdain for the sport.

Laughing quietly, you shrug. “I have family at Red Bull, so it was basically just luck and convenience that you were in the U.K. this weekend,” you clarify. “I don’t really understand Formula 1, that’s all.”

“Fair enough, it’s not for everyone I suppose,” Lando replies. “So who in your family works at Red–” The end of his question is drowned out by the sound of his name called by an evidently disgruntled, impatient engineer.

He sighs. “I’m sorry, I’ve really gotta go, but, um,” he exhales with a nervous laugh. “I still feel like I need to repay you in some way. Do you want to go get a drink after the race on Sunday? I’m busy for the next few days but Sunday night I’ll be free. Only if you want to, of course, I don’t want to, like, pressure you or anything.”

You laugh, appreciative that the nervousness was shared. “That– Yeah, that sounds fine. I’ll give you my number.”

He types your details into his phone before apologizing once more, thanking you again, and rushing off into the garage.

——

On Sunday, you let your dad believe he’s the one who convinced you to stay for the entire race weekend, but it’s the promise of Lando’s company later that night and the endearing text messages on your phone that prompts the desire to see this weekend through. You had spent the previous nights on your phone, going through driver and team Instagram accounts, as well as the F1 website, to get an idea of what to expect. Typically, it would pain you to look through motorsport news pages, especially with so many of the reports centering around Max and his vie for the championship as of late, but you manage.

You notice almost immediately while settling into your spot at the back of the garage that the energy does not match your own. You are enthusiastic and eager, while the rest of the team is stressed and rushes around you. Presumably, it’s because race day impacts their livelihoods and paycheks whereas it only dictates your family’s dinner topics, but, nevertheless, your excitement refuses to simmer.

Unfortunately, if it was weird for you to be seen at the McLaren garage before the first free practice, it would be infinitely more suspicious for you to be lingering around on race day, so you were not able to catch Lando at all since your initial meeting on Friday. However, you made sure to message him good luck beforehand, to which he thanked you and expressed excitement for your upcoming night.

“If you need anything, just ask. I’ll be on the pitwall,” your dad says, snapping you out of your whirring mind. He notices your obscure behavior, quick to comment on it. “Is it weird? Being here after so long?”

You nod, shrugging. “Unusual, for sure. So much has changed since the last time I came and watched, but I’m excited, though.”

“Well, it’s always good to have you here.”

Reciprocating your dad’s grin, you silently send him on his way. He exits quickly and leaves you to your own devices. Though, your own devices look to consist of impatiently waiting for the race to start and scrolling absentmindedly through your phone. Ironically, your boredom with pre-race antics appears to create quite the dichotomy against the chaos exuding from the garage you find yourself encompassed in.

Regardless, your attention is regained when frequent cuts are made to the drivers in their cars, and you recognise that the race will be starting soon. You are temporarily startled when the cars begin moving without hearing an official announcement, but quickly realisee that it is merely a formation lap and no one else around you seems to be paying all too much mind to it.

When the cars return to their positions on the grid, you watch eagerly as the lights flash and the announcers begin yelling. You keep your eyes trained on the orange car towards the front of the grid, watching Lando so intently that you almost miss what happens to the cars in front of him.

Your eyes go wide as you watch the events unfold: the Red Bull car out front collides with what you identify as a Mercedes, spinning and slamming into the barrier. Gasps chorus across the garage as the screens replay slowed clips of the crash as an announcement states that the safety car has been deployed. They replay it from every conceivable angle, your astonishment at the severity is present upon your first viewing, but it’s only after the sixth clip that it clicks in your head that the person in the car is Max.

“For the second time this season, Hamilton and Verstappen clash and tangle on the opening lap, but, this time, it is ending in dramatic consequences for the championship leader.”

If you had perceived the pre-race behavior in the garage as chaotic, this was a whole new level of absurdity.

People rush around you while orders are shouted and frustrations are verbalised.

Your dad is angry.

The last time you recall him behaving like this was when your younger sister had broken the wine glasses he had bought for your mother on their honeymoon. You, however, ignore his yelling and remain encapsulated by the TV, releasing a breath you didn’t know you were holding as the events unfolding finally, finally register in your brain.

Car number 33 is in the wall and out of the race, and your ex-boyfriend is inside, silent and unmoving.

____________

tag list @lovebynorth @its-astrotea-love

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moodymelanist · 3 years ago

Note

Would love to read both of the nessian drunk fics. But if i had to pick, I’d pick a new both nessian drunk. And hope you’ll post drunk cassian another time❤️❤️❤️

okay multiple people commented saying they wanted to see Nessian drunk together — ask and you shall receive, y’all.

for this one let’s say Nesta and Cassian are best friends/roommates and this is pre-relationship. Modern AU as usual 😌

When Cassian barged into her room with a bottle of tequila in his hands, Nesta knew she was done for.

“I thought we were having a quiet night in,” she whined. She was under her covers with a book and didn’t want to stop reading so close to the good parts — the main characters had finally given into their desires and were about to have wildly passionate sex — but her best friend had a way of asking her to do things that made it really hard to say no.

“I lied,” he said simply. “I’m bored out of my mind and you promised you’d play truth or dare with me two weeks ago.”

“You remember that?” she asked skeptically. He’d gone out with his friends and Azriel had called her begging for her to take an extremely drunk Cassian back home, and she’d promised to play truth or dare with him in exchange for him coming home without a fuss.

“Of course I did,” he said. “You promised.”

Nesta looked away, willing her cheeks not to flush at his words. He’s your best friend, she reminded herself. He doesn’t think about you like that.

Cassian and Nesta had been best friends for as long as either of them could remember. They’d been inseparable ever since elementary school when the Archerons had moved to Velaris and Cassian had taken one look at her and declared she was going to be his best friend forever.

They’d been living together for a couple months; it had seemed like a good idea at the time, but once she realized how she felt about him, it was absolute torture. She couldn’t escape him, whether it was the sight of him coming back hot and sweaty from the gym or the sounds of him fucking somebody who wasn’t her. But that wasn’t his fault — she’d never blame him for living his life. She was the one stuck on someone who had only seen her as a friend, not him.

A few minutes later she joined him at their small kitchen table, the bottle of tequila sitting in between them. She motioned for him to go first since he was the one who wanted to play.

Cassian smiled widely and her heartbeat sped up at the sight. “Truth or dare, Nes?”

“Truth,” she said.

“What’s the real reason you dumped Tomas?” he asked. She tried to hide her grimace but he caught it; they knew each other far too well. “I don’t believe you just didn’t work out or whatever you tried to tell me.”

She just shook her head and grabbed the bottle of tequila, making a face as it burned down her throat. There was absolutely no way she was admitting that she’d dumped Tomas because she couldn’t stop thinking about him.

“Truth or dare, Cassian?” Nesta asked once she’d swallowed.

“Dare,” Cassian said with a smirk.

“Text the last person you hooked up with and ask them to rate the encounter,” she said.

“Can’t text my hand,” he replied. She rolled her eyes and he chuckled before pulling out his phone. “I’ll let you know when I get a response, sweetheart. Truth or dare?”

They went back and forth for a few rounds, Nesta absolutely refusing to take a dare while Cassian exclusively picked them. Eventually she was feeling a solid buzz and he was still completely sober, so he took a few shots to catch up with her out of the “goodness of his heart,” according to him.

“Can’t have you drinking alone,” he said with a wink.

“You’re insufferable,” she said, but they both knew she didn’t mean it. “Truth or dare?”

“Truth,” he replied.

She raised an eyebrow in surprise. “Okay. Why don’t you ever settle down with any of the people you bring home?”

Cassian seemed equally surprised by her question, but he didn’t balk. “Because the person I really want isn’t into me.”

“Bullshit,” she said, complete with a little giggle. She was feeling warm and loose all over, which definitely meant she should slow down with the tequila, but she was actually starting to have fun now. “You’re a nice guy.”

“Just a nice guy?”

“Don’t make me spell it out for you.”

“Isn’t that what best friends are for, Archeron? Let’s hear it. Truth or dare?”

“Dare,” she said, feeling bold.

“Okay,” he replied. “I dare you to tell me all the things you like about me.”

Nesta laughed, the sound bubbling out of her at how ridiculously easy that was. If only he knew how much she thought about him. “You have great hair. Nice smile. You’re funny. And you’re completely ripped, you could probably bench press me.”

“You want me to try?” Cassian asked. He had that mischievous look in his eye that she loved and she knew she couldn’t say no.

“Yeah, okay,” she agreed. They were both drunk enough that it seemed like a good enough idea.

She watched as he laid down on the floor and raised his arms, motioning for her to come closer. She almost tripped over her own two feet as she got up, but managed to make it over to him without any other issues.

She giggled again as he lifted her like she was nothing. “You’re so strong.”

“You’re light as hell,” he said. His hands shifted under her as he lifted her again, and she tried not to squirm from how close his right hand was to her ass. “Maybe I should be feeding you more.”

“But I’m not hungry for food,” she whined, her deepest desires slipping out before she could think to shut her mouth.

Cassian lowered her down to the floor and turned over to face her, his hazel eyes drawing her in much more than usual. “What are you hungry for?”

“I shouldn’t have said that,” she said. She pressed her hand over her mouth to stop her from saying anything else, cursing her loose tongue.

“Tell me,” he said, reaching out to poke her. When she didn’t say anything he started tickling her stomach, his big hands no match for her much smaller ones. She was crying from laughter within two minutes as she failed to keep him away from her.

“I’ll never tell,” she said, gasping for breath.

“Just admit it,” he demanded, laughing. He swung his leg over hers to keep her from squirming away and she immediately froze at how close he was to her. He froze too, not sure what to do now that she wasn’t trying to actively get away from him.

“It’s my turn for truth or dare,” she whispered. He nodded sagely, the moment suddenly feeling much more serious now that their laughter had died down. “Truth or dare, Cassian?”

“Dare,” he said back. He moved her a little closer with his leg and she was so tempted to run her fingers through his hair. Or to bury her face in his chest.

Nesta was feeling bolder than she’d ever felt before when it came to him, but that was mostly thanks to the tequila. “I dare you to kiss me.”

Cassian stared at her for what felt like too long and she wondered whether she’d crossed a line. He was her best friend, and if she was wrong, she didn’t want things to be weird. What if he’d never thought about her in that way? She supposed she could blame it on being drunk, but she wasn’t drunk enough for it to be convincing. What if—

The thoughts in her head completely emptied out as she realized he was kissing her, his lips soft and warm and tasting of tequila against her own. She kissed him back hungrily and realized maybe he hadn’t seen her as just a friend like she’d assumed after all.

#acotar #acosf #nesta archeron #cassian #nesta x cassian #anon asks #nessian prompts #drunk Nessian #modern au #best friends to lovers

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stuckybarton · 3 years ago

Text

Sucker For Pain i

SUMMARY: You were new to the team, but what everyone didn't know was you weren't so new to the God of Mischief. CHARACTERS: Loki Laufeyson x Ex!Reader [Ex to Lovers again?] WARNINGS: Profanities. Suggestive Themes. Slight Angst and horrible self-image. Grammar Mistakes. English not being my first language. [Not Beta’d tho] WORDS: 2,956 CHAPTERS: [1/3] A/N; Life happened and yeah, didn’t have much time to write. Not my best work for this mini-series, but I’m fighting through for this. Hope you guys enjoy~

PART TWO | PART THREE

MASTERLIST || Join the Taglist

"Agent Y/N Y/L/N." You introduced yourself the first moment you were escorted into the compound by Director Nick Fury. Multiple sets of faces both new and old had come to greet you. For a moment you wouldn't even believe that this is was the new life you would find yourself to be a part of from now on.

Years in the job for SHIELD before disappearing off the grid to get as much information about HYDRA, everyone had thought you had betrayed them and you had accepted that they would think so lowly of you after all the near-deaths you had to endure on the job. Even with the mission becoming more of a death wish, you had accepted the role Nick had given you all those years ago and now you were rewarded, immensely. A spot on the Avengers as part of the Earth's Mightiest Heroes.

The familiar face of Nat was the first to greet you with a hug. A fiercely tight one, it had been so long since you've seen a friend. Then your eyes fell towards the rest of the team; Bucky Barnes, who you had a few close encounters with during your time with HYDRA. You had witness everything they had done to him and stood on trail to clean his name. Steve Rogers, who, with Sharon Carter, had assisted in guarding Steve while SHIELD was still under HYDRA's control. But among the familiar faces, one stood out the most.

Loki Laufeyson.

To many, the man was a snake, a God that had once brought death and destruction in New York. But to you, he was different, this was the man that you had spent your lonely nights with while under the guise of a traitor. It had once just been a physically thing between the two of you, neither wanting to know about each other's lives. You knew he was a God, a man that had wronged the world, but he had never known about you, the woman that had painted yourself as a traitor for the better of the world. The one that had been called every name on the book for the sake of making sure you did your part right.

Then it got serious between the two of you. Admission of love was told between both of your lips. But it was dangerous for you two to be together especially when you were already told by Fury that you can come back to the surface. You didn't know what side he was on, and you did not have the heart to make him choose if the time would come.

So you two parted. A month ago. The pain still throbbing you like an unattended bullet hole right through your heart. It was still so painful to look at him and not remember him crumbling on his knees begging you to stay. The first sob that escaped his lips and forever haunted your dreams. A never-ending loop in the back of your head as your demons screamed at you for breaking an already broken man.

"I for one am happy you're finally here. Another woman to add to an already Man's Man world in the compound." Nat teased glancing towards the other individuals that had come to know the new face. "With introductions out of the way, you've got a lot of explaining to do for the past few years."

You could only smile at your friend. You did have so much to explain to her, things had been murky between you and Clint, but after everything, Nat had refused to believe you would betray them, betray her, and it was finally a relief to be able to return back home, seeing the people that mean the most to you.

"Tell me about it." You muttered allowing Nat to quickly pull your away from the crowd, but it missed your eyes how he was still looking. Ice blue eyes a contract to the burning gaze he had towards you.

Forget about him. Forget about him. You were here for a new opportunity. No him. Never him.

For the next few weeks, everyone had grown to accept you in your new role as part of the Avengers. You kept up with Steve, Bucky, and Sam during their runs. Sam more than happy to finally have someone that had the same pace as him, but only for you to laugh and out run him just to get a reaction out of the high flier. Tony and Bruce had also found a kinship in you, having provided them enough information about HYDRA's experiments and location made most of their missions easier. Then there was Nat and Clint, your confidant in this new life. Every single moment that was not dedicated to a mission was spent with them; may it be movie night or a simple get together outside the compound, often times bringing Wanda and Vision along just to mess with you and call you a 5th wheel of the group.

But among number of members on the team, everyone had noticed you constantly avoided one Thor Odinson and one Loki Laufeyson. The only real time you would even dare talk to either of the brothers would be during training--other than that, you tried your best to avoid them, Loki most especially. Every single moment that would force the two of you to be in the same room, Loki had a glare while you tried your best to avoid his gaze.

Everyone noticed, everyone didn't seem to worry too much. It comes with having a former-villain part of the team. They thought you would eventually get used to the God's presence just as much as they did.

"You ever gonna tell me what's going on between you and Loki?" Nat inquired avoiding your punch.

What you hated the most about sparring with Nat was her capability of multitasking. Talking and snooping about someone else's business while also kicking their ass in the process--this was the predicament you were in right in this very moment.

"Nothing is going on." You muttered landing back first on the mat after being thrown like a rag doll by Nat. Eyes looking at the ceiling, you wondered if it was a good idea to actually come clean to her about her past with the God of Mischief. "I know what he's done to New York and I think you can't blame me for taking precaution when it comes to him."

Nat now comes hovering on top of you, the narrowed eyes and gentle smirk was all you needed to know--she knew it was bullshit. But when she had stopped pushing you for more information, it was enough for you to just change the subject.

"They found Dominic?" You inquired. One of the first big missions that everyone was focusing on was one of the leading Scientist for HYDRA. With the exposure of HYDRA to the world, some of them had moved away and found themselves in much shadier company, much to everyone's radar now spiking.

Dominic Wagner was, in part, partially responsible for the Winter Soldier program in the modern era. One of the pioneers in moving the project into a much younger sets of test subjects. You lost contact with the man as soon as your got back into the surface, but it had also meant a target was on your back when they found out you were a double agent.

"He's in Russia. Wasting away all the funding for the program with parties" Nat points out. "Still a better way to spend the money that abducting kids everywhere."

You nodded, memories of files upon files for the prospects still haunted you to this day.

"When are you taking him out?" You inquired. In your time with the SHIELD, the red in both of your ledger had made you two a hot commodity if the situation present itself as shoot to kill. Neither of you would hesitate. You knew you would now, after everything, but if it means one less bad people in this earth, you would swallow your new morals.

"Fury wants him alive." She pointed out finally standing back up to her own two feet, leaving you on your back, staring at the ceiling in deep thought. "I know as much as you do, we want him dead for everything he has done, but we need him alive so we can get the others."

You nodded, this was one of the few things you had to get used to as part of the team. Death was best solution in SHIELD--at least in your team, not here. As long as you were part of Steve's team, you would need to choose whether or not killing would be the best option. Hope that you weren't so blessed to be given in your time under.

"I get a first shot when we don''t have any use of him anymore." You muttered finally standing back up with Nat's help. Steps faltering at the sight of the God of Mischief, training with the likes of Peter Parker, Sam Wilson, and Bucky Barnes. A weird mix up, but wasn't hard to understand why.

"Why don't you shoot your shots with him for now." Nat teased, finally making you break from staring at the plain black shirt and green sweatshort-clad Loki Laufeyson. "If we try to ignore the death count during his attack, he is sort-of your type in men." Nat wiggled her brows. quick to avoid you as you attempted to swat her in the ass, eyes now turned away from God and his training partners.

"By type, you mean psychotic with possible Daddy-issue? Then you might just be right." You snort.

"I'm offended you think of me as such, Darling"

Jerking your head to the owner of the voice, how the hell did he sneak up behind you without you noticing. You glanced at Nat in panic and like the traitor that she was, made a terrible excuse of being needed in Bruce's lab. Now being left in the man's presence, you could all but remember the last time you had been this close to the man.

Heartbreaks.

Words that you didn't mean.

Words that he didn't mean.

It still hurt you, and you were sure it hurts him just as much, if not more now, finally realizing why there had been a need for a breakup between the two of them all those weeks ago.

"Here I thought I would have someone to trust. You mortals continue to disappoint me." He hissed.

Your eyes glanced at the other training trio, noticing all three of them were in their own little world to even noticed what was going on between the two of them.

"Tell me, Darling..." He whispered, head leaning towards the shell of your ears. The familiar shiver run through your skin as just his voice. Memories of the very things his silver tongue had whispered had you flustered and breathless, more than from your earlier training with Nat. "Was it satisfying to play with a God?"

Before you could even mutter a word, his constantly gentle hand now covered your jaw, emitting a squeak from your lips and stopping you from saying a word. He was never this forceful, nor did he do anything that would hurt you. Was this the true nature of the man you had finally thought you have been the best part of you. To have loved a man that everyone was right to stay away from?

"Or is it shame finally coming to you, to be ever involved with someone like me?"

You tried to pry his hand away from you, but he was too strong--stronger than you could ever think of being.

"Or is this you taking your opportunity to move from one bed to another? Who will it be this time, Y/N? My oaf of a brother or will it be Soldier out of time? Who will you whore this time?"

And you finally snapped. With a resounding slap, all three individuals had heard your attack on the man and Loki finally releasing his hold on your jaws. A chuckle escaped his lips and only brought the first line of tears to fall from your eyes. You never wanted to believe him to be a monster, but here he was, proving her wrong.

"I am in doubt of the foundation of our relationship for the past years, Y/N. I am the God of Mischief and Lies and the only mortal I had ever truly opened to had done this to me. Lied to me for such a long time, lied about the entirety of our relationship."

"You will never understand."

"Oh no," he chuckled darkly, eyes glaring straight into your own. "I understand well enough to know, you would never love someone like me and I deserve every lie and heartache I am enduring because of everything I have ever done in my past."

Before you could defend yourself and the genuinity of your relationship with the God, he had made his excuse. Leaving you to ponder of the true damage of your breakup with Loki, and the aftermath it had now held for the both of you. He was right, you had lied, and either way, their relationship will fall apart because of those lies.

He was the God of Mischief and Lies.

Yet, he did not expect for this biggest lie to break him the most. The separation had been painful, he had always hoped for a better life with you. Then a month passed since your breakup, he sees you, it hits him like a sharp knife to the chest all over again. He experience the pain of a stab to the chest, but it would never compare to the pain of seeing you in this very compound with the truth of your life that you refused to ever open to him.

This was karma coming to haunt him it seems.

It had been well over a week now since the first time he had actually confronted you about everything. It wasn't how he planned for things to go through. He never wanted to hurt you, but he was a monster after all. A monster that his own father had told his people to avoid. A bedtime story to scare mischievous kids into submission.

He had always thought after everything he had to endure, had to do, had to escape, he could finally live a peaceful life. A life to finally start anew. A life where he could finally change for the best. A mortal woman had made him make those ideas come into reality, you had always became the reason why he would never have his redemption in life.

A bitter idea with no possible resolution.

How could he have ever believed that anyone would ever love someone like him? After everything he had ever done, he was never allowed to be loved. You had proved that somehow.

'Mr. Laufeyson, you are needed for a meeting with the team'

Breaking from his little bubble. He sighed finally returning back to reality, into the little comforts the library could give him. The week had been gruelling for him, three individual witnessed the altercation between himself and you. It had spread like wildfire, but thanking the Gods that no one was able to listen to the conversation.

He had to endure most of the questioning. In everyone's eyes, he was, after all, still under everyone's constant scrutiny. A man that no one could trust. But he refused to say a single word knowing you did the same thing. It was better to keep your mouth shut instead of letting people know exactly what had happened. Somehow that brought a smile on his face. He might not share a future with you, but might as well make the most out of making your life a living hell, as much you did it to him.

Shutting the book he was barely even reading, he placed the book back into the shelf before walking his way towards the meeting room.

He could easily teleport, but he preferred to enjoy his moments of peace without his oaf of a brother breathing down his neck or Stark constantly testing his patience with his quips. It also gave him a moment to school his features, he knew well enough about the mission to know you would also be in attendance. Be more invested in this mission than anyone else.

It was a few things he was relearning about you now that you were out in the open as everyone claims you to be. You were a free spirited being that could meld with anyone you were in the area with. He had watched you throw relentless jabs at Tony during your first few days that had the man surprisingly raise a white flag. But the most dangerous thing he had to learn was the familial relationship you had with one Natasha Romanoff and Clint Burton, two people that he kept his distance with the most.

"Professor Snape has finally graced us with his presence."

Loki has learned since joining the team to choose his battle when it comes to Tony. This was one of those moment. Finding a vacant chair besides his brother, he had taken his seat. A big mistake on his part as he finds from across the table, you sat. In between a glaring Romanoff and Barton.

Wearing a smirk, just to get on the two super spies' nerve, he turned his attention right back into the meeting. He begins formulating a few little schemes to not only get on the two's nerved, but most especially yours.

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