#Where is that user? they'd get me

[the-casbah-way]

the ego trip some fic writers are on makes me want to die like girl some real world perspective would be a game changer here

[unpretty]

today was the day we finalized the migration of essential software at work from some old and busted shit that was ready to die at any time, to the new cloud version of the same software that we are no longer responsible for maintaining. which is good because no one was actually maintaining ours. it's just been slowly crufting into unusability for a decade. so anyway they set aside an hour for a teams meeting where they'd walk us through the different interface and how to go through normal processes.

"it's not that big a change," they said. "it's all the same stuff, it just looks a little different," they said.

they did not account for the fact that the primary user of this software is someone who doesn't actually know how it works or what it's doing. they learned how to do their job entirely through rote memorization. they know which buttons they are supposed to press in which order, and that is the full extent of what they know. they also did not account for the fact that this person's processes were learned thirdhand from other people who were not using this software normally to begin with.

it's like. imagine if someone had only ever used tumblr in the app. and you try to get them to use it in a desktop browser, but they cannot figure out how to post. and you go through explaining where the button is and how to format text and add tags, even though you could have sworn it was all the same in the app. but then they're like, "okay, but what's the phone number" and you're like "what" and they're like "the phone number to call to make a post?" and it turns out somehow they still had the ability to post by calling a phone number, and every time they posted on the app they called the post in first and then edited the audio post to transcribe it into text before screenshotting the text for a photo post. and nothing you can say to them will make them understand that none of that is necessary or correct. they shouldn't have even been able to do some of that. they can just type into the post box now, like a civilized person. "okay," they say, "but what is the phone number, though? because when i made my account my friend gave me this checklist and the first thing on it is to call the number."

so anyway we were on that teams call for almost three hours and they still don't have a handle on the new software

[succubusvalentine]

Part two of Simon Riley with a user who kidnaps herself. CW: Cunnilingus, Somnophilia, PiV, they're both a bit crazy, brief mention of blood (in a ring) part one here if you missed it!

Simon was currently stood over his bed. Staring at you. Under his covers.

You smelled so good too. Simon didn't want to get in bed and disrupt the scent of you with his own. He'd never forgive himself.

It was strange. Simon thought that if you found out he was stalking you, you would scream, call the cops, anything but this.

Maybe you were as crazy as he was. A thought that both terrified and excited Simon. Although the excitement definitely weighed out.

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

Simon merely watched you as days went by. He watched you eat, watch tv, sleep, bathe. And it didn't creep you out in the slightest.

You knew there was always an adjustment period when two people moved in together. So you let him watch you. He was like a wary cat. It was rather cute.

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

"You can get in bed, you know" you hum tiredly one night. Opening your eyes and looking up at the behemoth of a man that would have terrified anyone else if they saw him watching them sleep.

"Don't want to make the bed smell like me when it smells like you"

"If you cuddle me you'd be close enough to smell me really good"

Simon stared. Brows furrowing in thought. Before he gives in.

Simon awkwardly slid into the bed next to you, tensing slightly when you grabbed his arms and wrapped them around your waist.

But as soon as Simon seemed to understand that he was touching you and you wanted him to keep touching you, he grabbed the backs of your thighs, pulling you flush against him with your legs around his thick waist so he could bury his face into your chest.

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

After that, Simon could barely keep his hands off you. As soon he got home from base, he would find you somewhere in his home and wrap his arms around you. Refusing to let go for at least ten minutes.

He also gave you the best head you'd ever received. Definitely a bonus.

Every guy you'd been with before Simon, treated the act like a chore. Lazily licking you until raising their head and asking if you'd finished yet.

Simon though? He does it for his own pleasure.

Simon will find you wherever you're lazing about the house. Drop to his knees. And go to town.

Sucking on your clit until your legs shook, moving his head down to lick the wet slick coming from your hole. The first time he shoved his tongue in your hole to taste more of you? You nearly screamed as you came unexpectedly.

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

And the way Simon fucks? You could barely think a coherent thought afterwards.

Sure, the first time you two fucked Simon came almost as soon as he thrust into you. But you couldn't blame him. He was fucking the woman he'd been stalking for over a year. He was bound to get overwhelmed.

Now though, Simon could fuck you for multiple rounds. There'd been times you had to call out of work because you either couldn't walk, or your body was so exhausted afterwards.

And after telling Simon it was okay to fuck you while you were asleep? He was even worse. The amount of times you woke up to Simon fucking into you while cuddling you and drooling into your shoulder was immense. But you loved it.

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

Simon's favourite part of you being his sweet little stalker, was that sometimes he would tell you he's going out. And then he would see you in the corner of his eye.

But Simon's favouritest part of his favourite part, was when he would go out with his team, and they'd point it out. Unfortunately it only happened a few times. The team getting used to seeing you watching Simon from afar. But whenever Simon noticed you, he got the stupidest smile on his face. Knowing he was definitely going to marry you. Propose to you with a ring where the gemstone was made of his own blood.

"tha' lass been followin' us bar tae bar all nigh'" Soap muttered. The rest of the team being concerned.

"Yeah" Simon grinned dumbly "she's the best ain't she?"

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

Simon was just over the moon that you were just as obsessed with him as he was with you. And you moving into his home unannounced had to be the most romantic thing Simon had ever experienced in his life. You were perfect for him.

⛧°. ⋆𓌹♰𓌺⋆. °⛧

Tag list ~ @thefutureastronaut @illyanam1011 @likewhyareyousoobsessedwith-blog @hbaasaad @idknowwhattdowhitmylife @maybe-a-bi-witch @thatpersonnamedrook @miss-chanandler-bong @nicki-lovesolderfictionalmen @baduzzxy @skeletonsucker @drewsuncrustables @milanriol @aceywaycy @jooba @morallygrayboys @logansblackgf @dreamland08 @nicolebarnes @spacecola7 @teapartydreams @callsignao3 @garejuremuzum @laduenadelswing @xxkay15xx @simonsslut @princessbitchybucket @unclearblur @emily-roberts @nightreverie @huehuehuehuehehe @stayblinkarmyatinymoafearnot @wandabillywrites @mcira @klttn @ditzydoefx @vmaxis @keldeleine @persephone-kore-law @adrislibrary @arcvenes @thicksexxualtension @ltrileys @tbhiddlestan83 @lia-36 @happyficlibrary @eatingtheworldsoffanfiction @hellshire-harlot @saturnspector @foo1ishs3renity @fishsinsareacknowledged @werebear-roams @cutedumbbunny @masterclassofescapism @lovelylocs @lady-of-death @fwoarmachine

guys I was even super nice and tagged a few reblogs that seemed super into this + made me giggle when reading. So so sorry if some of the tags didn't work/if I forgot someone. Feel free to scream at me in the comments if I did <3

just wanted to credit @feline-flame-fatale for the second last paragraph of this. Their comment was honestly perfect for this. Thank them in the comments RIGHT NOW.

[kitkatscabinet]

"THE WAYNE SIBLINGS READ THIRST TWEETS"

requested by anon

summary: the internet is horny for you, your brothers suffer for it.

pairings: platonic! dick grayson, jason todd, tim drake x batsis! reader

A/N: 18+, on account of horny twitter users ;)

You and your brothers are lined up in a semi-circle, Dick, you, Jason then Tim, each of you sporting different expressions as the cameras begin rolling.

You and Dick are cheerful mirrors of each other, while Jason and Tim look like they'd rather be anywhere but here as the four of you settle into place.

"So today we're going to have you reading thirst tweets, but the twist is, they're all about your sister." The producer says from out of frame. Abruptly, your brother's moods swing violently.

"No!" Dick cheers, the blinding smile plastered across his face never even twitching.

Jason's frown has evolved from "mildly disgruntled" to "about to start shooting people."

Tim, meanwhile, appears to have stopped working altogether. "Timmers?" You giggle, waving a hand across his face.

"Ew... I mean, people find you attractive?" He scrunches up his nose, and your face turns murderous.

"RIGHT! Listen here you little - " you lean across Jason to strangle your little brother when a giggle from somewhere on set reminds you where you are, and you paste on a practised grin.

"I can see why Damian wasn't invited now."

"None of us should have been invited, this shouldn't be happening." Tim mumbled with a thousand yard stare.

Relishing in his stress, you quickly pull a piece of paper from the oversized thirst jug, staring directly at Tim as you read. "Bruce Wayne's daughter could smack me across the face with a brick and I’d say ‘thank you, mommy’"

Tim dry heaves, face a little green.

"Damn, now I can never use that in bed again." Jason grumbles, causing Dick to spit out his water as Tim gags once more.

"You're disgusting." He kicks Jason as you hum in consideration.

"I don't know, I think I could get behind it."

"Never speak again, actually." Tim fires back.

"Well, if you liked that, then you'll love this one: Sit on my face, I'll pay you, anything! please, SIT ON MY FACE! SIT ON MY-” Dick, who's only just recovered from his previous near death experience starts choking again, making you hit his back a little harder than strictly necessary.

Jason starts attempting to take the jug off your hands, but you quickly dance out of the way, "Oh look, this one's not even that bad." Your brothers look sceptical, but they don't stop you, "She's so fine, I'd kill a man just to breathe the same air as her."

"What is with people and committing crimes?" Jason seems genuinely concerned. How chronically offline of him.

"I attract a very passionate demographic." You shrug.

"You attract future convicts," Dick mutters in devastation.

A shit eating grin covers your face as you read the next one, having lulled them into a false sense of security.

"Need her to pull on my hair like a leash as she fucks me into next week with the strap." Dick wails, falling sideways off the chair like a fainting Victorian woman.

"Hmm, you want the pink or the green one, baby?" you smile seductively at the camera.

"That's it! You're done, you're done!" Jason lunges for you at the same time as Dick, your older brother getting the jug whilst you're hauled over Jason's shoulder.

You shriek, but you refused to be deterred, unfolding one of the papers you'd managed to grab before Dick attempted to thwart your fun. "Not to be dramatic, but if Jason’s sister looked me in the eye and said ‘kneel’, I’d hit the floor so fast I’d break my - hey."

Tim pulls the paper from your hands, staring at it like it killed his puppy. "Why are you encouraging this?" Tim gestures accusingly at the Buzzfeed staff members laughing behind the cameras, before he does a double take at the twitter handle.

"Wait... This is from Roy's Twitter account!" Tim yells, whirling on Jason like he's personally responsible for all of his grievances.

"There's one here from Conner too," You clear your throat, holding the paper far above Tim's head with your superior height courtesy of Jason's unwilling help, "I’d treat you right. You ever want someone to make you cum till you forget your own name, hit me up babe."

Your brothers scream, and you’re having so much fun that you only mildly worry about Conner’s safety in the near future.

(You wonder if you’ll have time to take him up on his offer before his inevitable funeral.)

The video ends with a message flashing across the screen: "Several of the tweets submitted came from Wally West's Twitter account. Some were deemed too explicit to share."

[starboye]

starring: stepdad!hugh jackman x male reader

request: Hear me out, pervy stepdaddy au smut with Hugh Jackman where he wakes up late and faintly hears you, his camboy stepson, jerking off in a session through the walls. Hugh jerks off to you and cums on your door, getting your user and watching some shows with other performers -for which he gets slightly jealous over- and starts requesting anonymous private sessions with you under a fake profile. He gives you the biggest tips and you don’t catch onto who he really is until he accidentally turns the camera on during a session. To his surprise, you ask him to meet with you to handle things in person and you get him wrapped around your finger

warnings: smut, fucking yourself with a dildo, jerking off, fingering, 69 position, cursing, pervy!hugh, rough sex, overstimulation, creampie, blowjob, ass eating, e-sex, pet names, slight degradation, daddy kink, cheating!hugh

hugh was certainly a good step dad, he was nice, good to your mom and overall just a good guy but you always knew there was something deeper to him, the way he looked at you with lust in his eyes of his lingering touches when your mom wasn't looking had you thinking things.

hugh had knew you made videos of some sort but never exactly knew, he just always saw the cameras around your room and just suspected you were an up and coming youtuber but in reality you were a camboy, posting videos of you fucking yourself with dildos or jerking off.

it didnt exactly make amazing money, not enough to move out and get your own place but just a good amount and plus it was fun to do, you always had some pervy dudes coming into your chat to flirt with you every now and then and they'd leave good tips.

one night when your mom was working late and you thought hugh was fast asleep you decided this would be a great idea to log on and make some cash so you did, dawning a cute rabbit mask to keep your identity safe.

slowly but surely more people started to join the live and asked you to jerk off so you did wetting a dildo up with some saliva before teasing you hole with it and taking your cock into your hand, nicely jerking yourself off for everyone to see it.

little did you know your moans were just a little to loud and it woke up hugh, he was a little surprised to hear moaning, just thinking you were watching some porn late in the night but when he peeked through the crack in your door he was shocked (and a little turned on).

seeing his own step son fucking themselves with a dildo, he was a little envious of the piece of plastic, he should be the one fucking you, not some dick shaped silicone that cant even reach all the deep places like he could.

at this point he was painfully hard in his underwear, slipping his dick out and jerking off to the amazing sight, he was biting down on his lip so hard to try and not make any noise, enjoying the show that you were inadvertently putting on for him.

he just imagined himself being the one making you moan like that, your mom hadn't given him any action in weeks and hugh needed a release and he got that when you took the dildo out and hugh got to see your hole gaped open, looking so warm and inviting for him.

spilling his load all over his hand while letting out low shuddering breaths "you guys like seeing my hole all gaping" you shook your ass to the camera and hugg had instinctively nodded his head 'yes' he was thinking of all the horny things you've probably done while he was just down the hall.

fucking yourself dumb with a dildo, maybe jerking yourself off till you shot blanks, or even fingering your hole, desperate to feel the real thing but never getting the chance, but hugh was happy to give it too you.

"well thanks for joining my guys this is camboy star signing off" you said before closing the laptop, that's your name on only fans huh well looks like hugh was gonna be up all night trying to find it, slipping back into his room before you could see him peeking in.

grabbing his phone to look you and oh my god did he love it, he wasted no time in paying for a subscription just to see all the things you do late at night and you didn't disappoint his imagination, he stayed up all night jerking off the videos of you letting other creators fuck you stupid.

he was a little jealous no gonna lie, he wanted it to be him who was filling you up with ooad after load and calling you his good lil slut while slapping you ass, when it breakfast the next morning hugh couldn't stop staring at you, undressing you with his eyes while ignoring all his wife's questions before she finally snapped him out of it.

"hugh are you even listening" she yelled at him and he immediately whipped his head around to her "yeah of course i am babe" he pretended to give a fuck about whatever she was saying but all he wanted to do was fuck you.

do one night when you go live again high is ready, being the first one in the chat saying hello and making sweet comments on your body, he was sat in your mom and his shared bed, she was at work which gave him all the time to think of what to do with you, sitting in a dark room with the only light being his phone screen.

"well hey daddy" you greet him, his profile was blank, just some random username and a black profile picture "hey baby what's got you up so late" he typed quickly "nothing really just looking for some fun" you responded pulling at the waistband of the underwear you were wearing and high was quick to get a hard on.

slipping one hand under his banket to palm his aching cock "how about you take of the underwear" hugh sent with a 50 dollar tip "well whatever you say mister" you were quick to take of the lacey things but also slowly teasing him, showing a little hole whole taking them off.

hugh would spend so much more money if it meant getting you to do what he says but the high feeling was shortly lived when more and more people started coming into the live ruining your and his one on one time but hugh had an idea in mind "how much to do a private session" he typed and sent "uhm its about 100 dollars for a private session" you said.

hugh had no problem spending that much if it meant getting to see you naked just for him, paying it ans planning the time, saturday, it was the perfect time, hugh knew your mom was going to be working all night which would leave the house to just you two.

the days leading up to saturday all hugh could imagine and think about was you and your body, and when the time came he wasted no time getting into the private session for just him and you "welcome back jackingman" you greeted him and he typed back a simple "hi" he didn't really know what to say now that he had you all alone "well what do you wanna do" you asked "strip all the way down" hugh sent with a 200 dollar tip to get it started.

and you did exactly what he said, getting all naked "now show me your hole" hugh texted with another large money tip but behind the screen was a smug man who was enjoying this, his dick hard as rock while he slowly stroked it.

he got even harder when you angled your tight hole to the camera and spreaded your ass for him to see it perfectly, he was drooling at the mouth to the sight, he wanted to be in between those ass cheeks eating you out till you begged him to stop "finger yourself" he sent, this time with a 300 dollar tip, watching in awe as you lathered up your fingers and fucked yourself.

listening to you moan out obscenities and other things, hugh has so lost in jerking off that his finger slipped and turned on his camera and he didn't even notice "hugh" you questioned looking at the camera with shock and he was immediately jolted from his daydream of fucking you to see you staring at him through the camera to which he immediately turned his phone off and threw it across the room.

"fuck fuck fuck" he thought to himself, wondering if you would tell your mom what he was doing or even never talk to him again that is until he heard a knock at his door before you slowly opened it and walked in with still nothing on "y/n im so sorry for doing that i know i was wrong-" hughs words are quickly cut off by you kissing him "if you wanted to fuck me you could've just asked.

and before he could even think your in a 69 position with him, your ass in his face while you lick at his hard cock and without a second thought hugh had his hands kneading your ass while his tongue prodded and fucked your hole getting you ready for him.

"fuck your tighter than your mother" hugh breathlessly groaned spreading you ass apart further to see your hole, it just looked so warm and inviting and after feeling himself so close to cumming just from your sucking skills hugh was ready to get a feel

getting up to search through his night stand for some condoms while you watched him "why not just fuck me raw daddy" you lay face down ass up and lightly shake your ass to reel him in and at that point he jist thought fuck it and stood back up, your ass just inches away from his cock.

"need it so bad" you whimper backing your ass closer and closer till his tip was just poking your hole before he slowly slipped it in, shuddering at just the feeling of it all, his hips just started moving on their own really, fucking your ass and watching it jiggle with each plap.

his hands finding their way to your hips, digging his fingers into your sides to better back your ass onto him "fuck you feel so good hugh, please fuck me harder" you moaned gripping the sheets of the bed "you dont have to tell me twice baby" he grunts going faster and harder.

he was surprised you could take him so well, but maybe it was from you slutting yourself out to all those other creators on only fans, he threw his head back, groaning out loudly, his balls slapping against the lower part of your hole making your eyes shoot to the back of your head.

out of all the men you had slept with high was definitely the best at making you feel all of his cock in the right ways possible, his tip hitting your prostate over and over until you were ruining the bed with your cum "thats right let it all out for me" he strokes you twitching cock.

"i wanna feel you cum in me" you beg squeezing his cock with your hole "oh you want me to fill this boy pussy up" he slaps your ass whole looking at you with a cocky smile "yes please i want it so badly ill do anything" you plea "tell me how much of a slut you are" he demands laying another garsh smack on your ass, leaving a bright red mark.

"im such a fucking slut daddy, i love taking cock and sucking dick please fill me up with your hot cum ill be your good boy" you give in with the sweetest little whines and hugh accepts, fucking you just right, hitting all the good spots as of he's done this before (who knows).

his hand were leaving marks from how hard he was gripping your sides, he had you babbling and drooling all over the bed with how good he felt fucking you, he was dumping load after load in your hole till your stomach bulged from it all.

"one more for the road baby" he asked leaning down to tilt your head up at him, your eyes were teary and weak "yes sir please" you beg backing your ass onto him for more "such a good fuckin' boy" he mummers to himself wrapping his hands around your neck and fucking himself deeper into you.

slamming his loads further and further into you while you whined out to him "yeah moan my name baby" he smirks feeling all cocky fucking his slutty stepson "daddy" you moan again and again at him until he spurts his load into you with a load groan "yeah take it all bitch" he punctuates each word with a thrust.

slowly he pulls out of your ruined hole before getting an idea "get on your knees" he orders and you're quick to follow, getting on your knees and looking up at him "now clean my cock" he says slapping his dick on your face, and with no surprise you follow his orders.

licking and sucking every inch of cum of his messy cock until it was perfectly clean "good boy now back up on the bed i wanna taste that ass one more time" he says leaning down to kissing you cum covered lips and slapping your ass, when you got back on the bed and leaned over your hole was already pushing out hughs thick creamy loads.

leaning down and cleaning your hole just like you cleaned his cock, licking it till it was clean, shoving his tongue nice and deep to make sure he got every bit, and your ass sure did taste better when it was tainted with the cum of your step dad "so good baby" he lifts his head revealing his messy mouth, leaning down to give you one more kiss before taking you back to your room.

it felt so good seeing your fucked out body knowing it was all him that did that to you and would probably be doing the same thing tomorrow night.

taglist: @mailmango @boypied @ghostking4m @gayaristocrat @addictedtomalepits @staarb0y @crispysoup318 @its-ares @gargoylesworld09 @znerac @r0mcom-8ngel

[gallusrostromegalus]

As someone who was recently introduced to the wonders/horrors of the night shift, what does the graveyard shift look like for the 4th Division?

Also, is healthcare in Soul Society plagued with the same understaffing as the Living World, or has Unohana managed to destroy it with her own hand?

Under the cut:

1. The ER nurses I used to let Charlie therapy dog for

2. 4th division staffing

3. Unohana's genetic meddling

4. Unohana's genetic meddling part 2: Kuchiki clan Boogaloo

5. The actual night shift

1. I used to live near an Emergency Room and walked my dog where the nurses would go to smoke, and they'd fawn attention on him and share horror stories with me. I made a comment once about the night shift being worse than the day shift, and they all disagreed. People only come to the ER at night if they're really, really in distress and while that's not great, that is a problem they have been specifically trained to handle. During the daytime however, you get people coming into the ER for mundane shit because they can't be arsed to schedule an appointment with a GP, or because they're bored and want to start a fight, or a host of other reasons that do not belong in the ER and that is VERY frustrating.

2. Staffing: shortly after the founding of the Gotei-13, the Central 46 started getting paranoid about them potentially siezing power and declared that no individual division have more than 200 members. Unohana interpreted this to mean "I can only have 200 *Shinigami* working under me. I can have as much support staff as I want " and has finagled her way into having the hospital staffed with non shinigami nurses, researchers, specialists and the like so the hospital isn't short staffed.

2.1: It also helps that she put the Fear Of Unohana into the political powers that be, so the staff of the fourth division are not just the best-compensated in the Gotei-13, they're some of the highest-paid people with the best employee benefits in the soul society at large.

3. I headcanon that Unohana has more or less been selectively breeding the Yamada Clan for the last millennium. Her very good friend from the founding generation Shijima Chigiri married into the Yamada Clan after they handed the fourth over to Kirinji, and Unohana has been a sort of unofficial wizened aunt to them ever since. She's not pushy about it, but it is extremely convenient for any young person who is interested in romance or starting a family to be able to go to her, because she will have a list of candidates who would be good matches in terms of personality, interests and genetic traits.

It's ESPECIALLY convenient for the Yamada because the Yamada are the single largest shinigami clan. Every single division has at least one Yamada in it, and there have been at least two Captain's Yamada. The family is occupying an unusually large section of the already shallow local gene pool, and it's very easy to accidentally start dating your cousin. The Yamadas at large are aware of her meddling, and given that the family's expected lifespan has tripled since she started, they're not about to complain.

She's mostly been breeding them for Kaido (the ability to magically heal bodies and replenish reiatsu). While Unohana has been very crafty about staffing, the ability to perform Kaido is RARE so early on, there were years when she didn't have 200 shinigami to command. And out of this major staffing issue came her idea about selectively breeding for more Kaido users.

Lately , the thing Unohana has been breeding for is temperament. As prolific and powerful as the Yamada Clan is, they're not well-liked: Hanataro's older brother and her former lieutenant Seinosuke, who regards pain management as 'optional' and will revive people actively begging for death, is a fairly prototypical Yamada. The whole family has a beautiful talent for single-minded focus, and atrocious social skills, like if one were to cross-breed a border Collie and a dumpster raccoon. While this does have the benefit of cutting down on the amount of people who turn up at the hospital who do not need to be there, it also stresses patients out, so they take longer to heal etc.

So to that end, Hanataro Yamada is a TRIUMPH of practical genetics. He's exceptionally good at Kaido and remarkably death-resistant, but most importantly, had the affable temperament and work ethic of a large draft horse, something she's been trying to introduce to the line for CENTURIES. While he's not quite old enough for her to start walking potential mates across his line of sight yet, she has the list fully prepared.

4. In more recent years, her genetic meddling has started to pay dividends and she now has SPARE kaido-positive shinigami, so she is spreading them into the seated officers of other divisions, partly so there's at least one healer on-site in an emergency, and partly because it's not a bad thing for a third of the seated officers in the Gotei-13 to salute her out of habit. Lieutenant Izuru Kira started out in the fourth before he was poached by Gin (a move that rather annoyed Unohana. He'd been shaping up to be a fine anesthesiologist.), and Thirteenth division third seat Kiyone Koetetsu was formerly unohana's fifth seat. Extremely handy to have an accomplished medic within arms reach of one of her most intractable cases (ukitake and his imploding lungs).

4.1: Byakuya Kuchiki is also a triumph of Unohana's genetic meddling, because the Kuchiki clan doesn't have a gene pool so much as vague genetic dampness. It was a miracle that poor Sojun Kuchiki made it to adolescence, let alone breeding age, his blood was so doggedly determined to evacuate his body. Unohana had... Not quite pleaded, but she had taken Ginrei aside and very gently* explained that having Sojun father any children would be cruel to the resulting offspring and that maybe senbonzakura should be passed to a branch member with less catastrophic blood problems.

* for Unohana. It was really more of an extremely blunt, academically dense and somewhat threatening slideshow

Ginrei refused, and so Unohana embarked on a clever plan of subterfuge that Sojun be attended to by only her most physically robust nurses during his long stays at the 4th. To her delight, Sojun hit it off with the ox-constitutioned Sachiko Yamada, who was of sufficient respectability and remarkable charm that Ginrei allowed the marriage. Young Byakuya had the good fortune to inherit the best aspects of both his parents- Sojun's enormous well of reiki and talent for Kido, and Sachiko's excellent health and stubbornness.

Unohana was genuinely devastated when Sachiko died quite young, defending her husband and son from the assassins of a rival clan, and again when Sojun succumbed to his hemophilia from a battlefield injury. Despite this, Byakuya continued to thrive, and when he fell in love with the as-unrelated-to-him-as-possible Hisana Aramaki, she went out of her way to see them married come hell or Ginrei.

Hisana Kuchiki died of complications from an ectopic pregnancy. The surgery to save her had been successful but had introduced a septic infection that killed her a month later. While it could not be determined where Hisana picked up the infection, the surgical center in the 4th at the time was dilapidated from centuries of putting off repairs due to budget concerns from the central 46.

Unohaba destroyed the surgical center in a fit of rage not seen since she became Retsu.

This did rather force the hand of the budget committee and the surgical center was rebuilt with a ruthless adherence to sanitary practices. There have been no incidents of post-surgical sepsis originating from the 4th since. If Byakuya blames her, he's never said a word, and still willingly goes under her knife. Regardless, Unohana blames herself. She holds out hope that he might marry again, but understands why he hasn't yet.

5. BACK ON TOPIC: As for the actual night shift, it's probably the best time to get a hold of Unohana. She has ADHD and the delayed phase sleep issues that come with it, so where most people have a circadian rhythm she has an experimental noise album. The ER is slow at night, until it's not, and then everyone present is VERY GLAD the captain and her centuries of experience at this bullshit are also here.

5.1: Counterintuitively, she almost never sees anyone from the 11th late at night these days. Zaraki and his division are far from averse to danger, but he also has centuries of experience in That Bullshit, and has been passing the benefits of his experience onto his men, in such topics as "how much water have you had? Not enough", "Protect your head goddamnit" and "the nerds in the 12th will be sad of we don't use all this protective gear they made us. Humor them."

It also helps that she has Hanataro on regular duty over there for auxiliary lessons like "don't touch snakes" and "if you think 'am I sober enough to do this?' you're not. If you think 'I'm totally sober enough to do this!' you're REALLY NOT."

In fact, the ONLY member of the 11th she's seen after midnight since Zaraki took over was Yachiru, who developed appendicitis in the middle of the night. That was alarming but entirely manageable. Having her beloved, the most anxious single father in that world or the previous one, in the waiting room, was much less manageable.

"Yamada." She addressed Hanataro the following morning, slightly haggard. "I am going to request your expertise as both my head of toxicology and 11th division liaison-"

"I've been trying to figure out a reliable sedative for Captain Zaraki for fourteen years now." Hanataro sighed. "I'm well into the snake, spider and cone snail families with no success."

"...Shit."

[domxmarvel]

P*rnstar

Masterlist

Pairing: Billie eilish x Female!Reader

The work you do carried a heavy stigma but you didn't care,and the money more than made up for it. You had plenty of fans,mostly older rich men who had nothing better to spend their money on,but you also had plenty of women watching you. One in particular being very active,you'd see her username on almost every post you made.

One of your most loyal fans,you were getting ready for a new livestream. It was more casual,and of course the very first person there as usual her user name popped up.

Billiee00: "Hey baby" her message appeared on your screen. She usually either call you baby or pornstar.

"Hey,Billie" you said back,watching as other people joined the live.

Billiee00: "You look really pretty tonight" She kept her attention on you,commenting on your looks,your outfit and your surroundings. Clearly having a bit of a crush on you.

"Thank you" you subtly posed for her "I remember you told me you liked this makeup last time."

Billiee00: "That's why you're my fav" It was almost a challenge to see how well you paid attention to her,her messages and things she said. Maybe it was a little obsessive. Soon the viewers went from 156 to 680 making the comments flow in,her comments being drowned by the others. 

“Show a little more skin babe!”

“How did you start doing this stuff”

“Is this gonna get hot?”

“You look so hot” A few people asked how long the stream would go for,others giving you tips and advice. But most people were just horny,and most of the guys were trying to get your actual attention and keep you entertained. The sound of the tip notification rang out,with the name of the user who had sent you a tip. The top of the screen displaying the username and the amount. Most of them where small amounts,just 5-10 dollars or so from different users,since it was still early in the stream. But one of them was a 100 dollar tip,causing you to look down in surprise at the username.

Billiee00: "That was me,you look extra pretty in those next panties." It was only a few moments before more people tipped,a few people trying to out do her tip,but she just kept out tipping them. She wanted to be the top tipper. You appreciate her jealous and how she wanted all your attention,and you did also enjoy how it made you more money thanks to her. In the span of around 10 minutes,she had doubled the amount of the tips that you made. She loved seeing you so focused on her,like she was your main priority and everyone else was just an afterthought.

"I'll make this a bit more fun,five minutes and then my top tipper will get to pick what I wear for Wednesday's live" That grabbed peoples attention,even hers. The tip notifications where coming in at a rapid pace now,people wanting to be your top tipper so they could pick your outfit for the next stream. It was almost too fast to keep up with,people tipping hundreds at a time. Clearly they all wanted to be the ones to pick your outfit,it was like a competition to them,and of course she was going to win. There was about 10 seconds left on the timer and the highest tipper wasn't her,it was a guy who was currently sitting at 600$ but there were still seconds left. You counted out loud the remaining seconds."Five four three two one" and just as you said 'one' a notification rang out with her name,she had waited until the last second so no one could out tip her.

Billiee00: "What do you think of my last second surprise?” There it was,she'd tipped you 1000$. Now everyone knew she had the best tipping power,and if anyone wanted to prove her wrong they'd have to outdo her first.

"I'd say I owe you a private show for that"

Billiee00: "You'd do that for me?"

"Anything for my best client"

Billiee00: "When can we do it?"

“I'll send you a message and we can work it out,also think about what you want me to wear"

Billiee00: "I already know what I want you to wear." The chat was now filled with people being jealous. They had a good reason to be jealous,she was getting an actual private show from you,and in anything she wanted. Nothing they could tip or say would get them to that level with you. She was more than happy to let them know it too. Billiee00: "You all wish you were getting a private show"

You wrapped up the show and messaged Billie.

"What do you want me to wear?" You asked,wondering what she had in mind.

Billiee00: "Have you any fishnets? preferably in black"

"I have fishnets,what else?"

Billiee00: "How about a skirt,a really short one"

"And the top?"

Billiee00: "I'd like you to wear a crop top,I love it when you wear them" After you were dressed you set up your camera and started the show for her. Immediately she sent you a message. Billiee00: "I want to see you twirl around for me" You pushed your computer chair away and stood up,slowly twirling to show off the outfit. Billiee00: "You look so amazing in that,I knew I picked well."

"You always do," You said,sitting back down.

Billiee00: "Can I request something else?"

"Anything for me favorite subscriber"

Hours later you messaged her.

"By the way,you still have to think about what you want me to wear for Wednesday's stream. You still won that after all." You reminded her.

Billiee00: "I've actually already decided"

"Does it have something to do with the package I received?"

Billiee00: "You already got it? It was quick,I figured it would take a few days"

"I haven't opened it yet but I'll unbox it on Wednesday”

Billiee00: "You have to promise to open it on stream then,I want to see you wearing it as soon as possible"

"I promise"

On Wednesday you started the stream,watching the comments flood in. Many comments were being flooded,all of them tipping and asking for different things. Some were even asking about things you had done in the private stream. But her comments still caught your eye. She had tipped you a few times already,but the amount she was tipping was much more than the other people. She wanted to be noticed and make sure everyone knew that you were her favourite to tip and that she was the one who got a private show.

"Yes,Billie I see you" you knew she was trying to get your attention. "You got my attention"

Billiee00: "Of course I want your attention,baby" You held up the box,talking to the camera.

"I got your package and I'll open it on camera like you asked." You opened it to find a pair of lace panties and an oversized shirt. The panties were new but the shirt had been worn and smelled of perfume. It was her shirt,that's what she wanted you to wear. As you took out the piece of fabric,it was obvious it was hers. The lingering scent of the perfume was sweet,and it was easy to tell that it was hers,it was just like she was there in the room with you.

Billiee00: "You like my little gift?"

"Of course when you get the choice it's not something scandalous,it's just your shirt" You chuckled.

Billiee00: "Take the shirt,take it and put it on" Her name popped up along with another notification $200

"Of course I'm gonna wear it" You stripped on camera,slowly putting on a show. She was throwing tips and comments rapidly your way.

Billiee00: "Keep going,baby I want to see more."  $300

Billiee00: "Mmm,my favourite little show girl. Looking so beautiful for me."  $150

Billiee00: "You look so sexy in it, my baby"  $400

Billiee00: "You look amazing in my shirt. So beautiful and just for me"  $350

"Slow down there,don't want you running out of money" You winked,putting on her shirt,you knew that wasn’t a fear and you just wanted to tease.

Billiee00: "Don't worry about me running out of money,just let me tip you all I want,my baby "  $1500

Billiee00: "my little pornstar,in my shirt"

She began to use the other name again,the one she used when she was possessive. She wanted to make sure you knew exactly who you belonged to and no one could do anything about it.

"Really showing off today aren't you,Billie?"

Billiee00: "Of course I am,baby."

"Making me wear your shirt and taking all my attention" you smirked.

Billiee00: "Do you like wearing my shirt,baby?"

"Maybe,your perfume is nice" you took a whiff from her shirt. "Which perfume is that?" You asked her.

Billiee00: "I can send you a bottle if you'd like"

"Jumping at the chance to spoil me,huh?"

Billiee00: "I love to spoil you,that's what I do best." Spoiling you is her favorite thing to do,and she's not shy to spend any amount of money on you.

Billiee00: "I'll send you a whole bottle of the perfume I wear,baby. So you can always smell like me." Her next comments were all attached to tips.

Billiee00: $600 "I want you so badly,baby"

Billiee00: $300 "I can't keep my eyes off of you"

Billiee00: $500 "You look so perfect, my show girl"

Billiee00: $250 "I love seeing you in my shirt,baby"

Billiee00: $300 "My favorite little show girl"

"Hold on,Billie. Let me plug my toy and connect it to your tips" Despite your telling her to slow down and wait she didn't stop. 

Billiee00: $900 "You're so addictive, my show girl"

Billiee00: $700 "I can't stop tipping, baby"

Billiee00: $400 "God you look so amazing in that shirt"

Billiee00: $300 "You know exactly what you're doing to me,my baby" You set up your toy and connected it to her tips.

"It's set up for you,it'll vibrate when you send me tips," You arched your back,softly moaning as she continued not holding back at all. Your moans turned louder. She kept tipping, sending the toy into another fit of fast and strong buzzing. "Yes,yes Billie" you moaned out,knowing it could drive her crazy.

Billiee00: "Baby say my name, say my name, say it. Only my name,not anyone else,just my name" You repeated her name over and over until you reached your peak. She hasn't slowed down.

Billiee00: "Keep saying my name,I want more."

She had lost count of how much she had tipped, but it didn't matter to her. She was completely entranced.

She didn't slow down when you finally reached your peak,she was in control and wanted to keep the vibrations going as much as possible,hearing how you reacted and moaned her name. You were quickly becoming overstimulated,you couldn't take more.

"Please slow down,Billie. Please" you begged her.

Billiee00: "I'll slow down,baby. I don't want to overwhelm you" She sent a few more tips, but slowed down quite drastically now.

"That was incredible" You were out of breath.

Billiee00: "It really was. I just couldn't help myself,baby,you know how much I love tipping your streams." After the stream you sent her a video of you touching yourself in her shirt as you loudly moaned her name. You had sent the video like a letter signing it with. -from your favorite pornstar She watched it over and over,saving it immediately and listening to you moan her name, over and over again. She knew the video was just for her, no one else was meant to see you like that,it was just for her. It was like a personal little gift,something just for her. She even thought about working it into one of her songs. She hid the moans within the melody,making it blend seamlessly but if you listen closely you'd hear the moans. And one word made it through a bit muffled but it was you moaning her name. She loved the idea,and even more she loved that no one but her would know what that sound was. No one else would be able to guess what that sound really was,but she knew,and she was the only one who would know. The song immediately became a massive hit,like every song she made. She hadn't stopped messaging  you or attending your streams. No one could deny that the song was a hit,it had everyone talking and speculating about the odd noise in the melody. But no one had any real clue what they actually were,and no one knew the answer but her. One thing that people caught in the song was some girl moaning Billie's name. Immediately speculating who the woman was. Everyone was speculating who the moan belonged to,and all the comments were about trying to figure out who it was. She watched as people tried to put a name to the voice,and each guess was farther off than the last. None of them knew,and it satisfied her to see them so clueless. But most people were convinced that it must've been Billie's new girlfriend.

You were busy and finally had gotten a house,letting you move out of your tiny studio apartment. You made some posts,thanking your subscribers for supporting you. As usual Bille was first.

Billiee00: "Congrats,baby!"  She had sent a tip along with her comment. Many of your subscribers replied to your announcement,they were all congratulating you and expressing their gratitude for you. Comments like.

"You're so amazing,congratulations!"

"Can't wait to see you in your new house!" filled the comments. Later that day you had posted your wishlist and almost immediately it was bought out by one person,and you knew exactly who it was. You sent her a message.

"Couldn't have left something for someone else,huh?" You joked.

Billiee00: "Of course not,you’re my girl” She didn't even consider anyone else,no one could get the chance to spoil you like she did. You got a notification,stuff that wasn't part of your wishlist were included. She had bought your entire wishlist and added more gifts to it.

"You got my full attention,and a few private videos once I set up my studio"

Billiee00: "Mmm,I love getting your attention,baby. I can't wait for those private videos, you're so perfect." You sent her a few photos of you,they weren't too raunchy, just casual.

Billiee00: "You're so beautiful,baby! You look amazing in those pictures" One thing she saw in the background was a poster of her album cover.

Billiee00: "What's that in the background, baby? I can't quite make it out"

"Oh,the poster for the Billie eilish album? I've always wanted to go but her tickets sell out so fast"

Billiee00: "Yeah,the tickets do sell out fast. But you know, I can always get you some if you want to go. I could get backstage passes too." She sent a tip along with her comment.

"Really? You could?"

Billiee00: "Of course, baby. I can get you tickets, backstage passes, anything you want. Just say the word"

"You'd do that for me?"

Billiee00: "Oh, absolutely. I'll do anything for you, and that means getting you front row tickets, backstage passes, you name it." she replied,adding another tip.

"I would love to see her,I've been wanting that for years. She should have a performance coming up in LA in three months."

Billiee00: "Oh she's definitely got a show coming up in LA, and guess what, I can get you those tickets. Front row, backstage passes." She said, with total confidence.

"But how,that show has been sold out for months?"

Billiee00: "I've got my ways, baby. I have connections, and I can make things happen. Don't worry about how I'll do it, I'll just get it done. You'll be seeing her live, front and center, with backstage passes and everything."

About an hour later she had sent you the tickets.

Billiee00: “All set, baby. You’ve got your tickets, front row, and backstage passes. I told you I’d get it done.”

"How did you even do that,so quickly too"

Billiee00: "Oh, baby, I have my ways. Like I said, I have connections. I told you I could get you those tickets, and I never disappoint. I'll always come through for you, no matter what."

"You really are incredible"

Billiee00: "I wanna make you happy, and I'm willing to do anything to do that. So enjoy those tickets, and get ready to have the time of your life at the concert."

One week later you were at the concert,the music started and there she was. You could hardly contain your excitement as the concert started. You had dreamed of this moment,and now it was finally here. Then, there she was. She walked out on stage, looking stunning and radiating confidence. Her presence alone was enough to captivate you as she started to sing, her voice filling the entire arena. But throughout the show you felt her staring at you,not your section but you directly like she knew who you were. Her eyes fixed on you in the crowd. Even though she was performing in front of thousands of people, it was as if you were the only one she was focusing on. The song ended,giving her a few seconds to speak before the music would start again.

"How you guys doing tonight?" she asked, her voice filled with energy and excitement. The crowd roared in response, but her eyes were still fixed on you, completely ignoring everyone else. She then turned to you,before saying the next song was dedicated to someone. Then she said something,a nickname,a nickname she wasn't supposed to know. A nickname only one person would call you. She then locked eyes with you once again. "This one's for you, pornstar." She said, her voice soft but loud enough for you to hear over the music. You felt a jolt of surprise as she turned to you and dedicated the next song to you. But it was the nickname she used that really caught your attention. "Pornstar" was a nickname she wasn’t supposed to know, how did Billie Eilish know that? You were left confused and stunned as the music started up again. How could she have possibly known that,unless it was her this whole time. That would've explained it,the money,the tickets all explained. It was her all along. 

[dedalvs]

hey friend, i know you’ve been a pretty serious supporter and user of duolingo for a long time (so have i!), so i’m curious what your feeling is about the announcement that they’re going to be doubling down on using more and more AI for content creation, including using it to avoid having to hire actual humans?

personally, i’m really disappointed - i’ve disliked how much they’ve been using it so far, but the app is otherwise a great tool, and all of the other apps seem to use it, too, so it’s not easy to just jump ship to an app that isn’t using AI. i’ve seen a lot of responses that are like “hurr hurr just use a textbook idiot” which i find really unhelpful; learning from an app is easier and a lot more convenient in a lot of ways than having to use analog materials, especially if you study a high number of languages. still, i don’t ethically feel that i can keep giving them money if this is the direction they’re going.

what are your thoughts?

This is going to be a longer answer than you might have expected.

In 2001, fellow undergrad. Reiko Kataoka (now a professor at San Jose State) resurrected a club that had been dead for a few years at UC Berkeley linguistics: The Society of Linguistics Undergraduates (SLUG). One of its former undergraduate members, Alan Yu (now a professor at the University of Chicago), happened to be a graduate student at Berkeley at the time, so he helped her get it off the ground. The club was exactly what I was looking for at that time: a group for ling. undergrads. to get together and talk about language and linguistics, my new favorite thing. It was great! I even put together a couple phonology problems using my conlangs to distribute at a meeting. The following year I became the second president of the new SLUG and helped to create the SLUG Undergraduate Linguistics Symposium, where I gave my first talk on language creation. Being a part of this club was a major factor in shaping my undergraduate experience at Berkeley.

When I graduated I went to UC San Diego to pursue a graduate degree in linguistics. Part of the reason I chose UCSD was because it was an incredibly inviting atmosphere. Before we accepted they paid for prospective undergraduates down to San Diego and housed them with current grad. students who told them about the program and took them out for dinner, etc. It allowed prospective students to ask questions they wouldn't ask of professors (e.g. who's got beef with who). It was really cool, and so in our second year, we continued the tradition of housing prospective grad. students. Since we both went to Berkeley, my ex-wife (also a Berkeley ling. grad.) and I hosted Klinton Bicknell.

Klinton, it turns out, was the current president of SLUG. I didn't know him while I was at Cal, but we did overlap. It turns out he had renamed the club SLUGS, which I thought was weird. He said "It happened organically" and laughed in an off-putting way. He very much gave off the impression of someone who will smile at you and say whatever is necessary for you to go away. Klinton ended up going to UCSD the following year and I ended up leaving the following year.

Fast forward to 2016. HBO had put the kibosh on Living Language Valyrian, and so I turned to Duolingo. They had previously reached out about putting together a Dothraki course, but I declined, due to having a book out, Living Language Dothraki. With no hope for Valyrian, I asked if they'd be interested in me putting together a course on High Valyrian, which I did. I had some help at the beginning, but, truth be told, most of that course was built by me alone. I became very familiar with the Incubator, where Duolingo contributors built most of their courses. It was a bit clunky, but with enough elbow grease, you could put together something that was pretty darn good. It wasn't as shiny as their in house courses, because they couldn't do things like custom images, speaking challenges, etc., but it was still pretty good.

At the time I joined, everyone who was working in the Incubator was doing it for free. We were doing it because we wanted to put together a high quality course on our language of choice on Duolingo. When Duolingo went public, they realized this situation was untenable, so they began paying contributors. There were contracts, hourly wages, caps on billable hours, etc. It essentially became an as-you-will part time job, which wasn't too bad.

The Incubator faced a couple potentially insurmountable problems. When the courses were created by volunteers, Duolingo could say "This was made by volunteers; use at your own risk", essentially. Once they were paid, though, all courses became Duolingo products, which means they bear more responsibility for their quality. With so many courses (I mean, sooooooooo many courses) it's hard to ensure quality. Furthermore, "quality" doesn't just mean "are the exercises correct" and "are the sentences interesting". Quality means not being asked to translate sentences like "Women can't cook" or "The boy stabbed the puppy". With literally hundreds of courses each with thousands of sentences written by contractors, there was no way for Duolingo to ensure not just that they were staying on brand with these sentences, but that they weren't writing ugly things. There were reporting systems, there were admins that could resolve things behind the scenes, but with so much content, it became a situation where they would have had to hire a ton more people or scale back.

We saw what Duolingo did before with one aspect of their platform that had a similar issue. If you remember way back, Duolingo used to have a "forum", that was a real forum, but for most users, what it meant was on every single sentence in Duolingo users could make comments. These comments would explain grammar points, explain references, make jokes, etc. It was honestly really helpful. But, of course, with any system like that comes trolls, and so volunteers who had come to create language learning resources also found themselves being content reviewers, having to decide which comments to allow, which to delete, who to ban, etc. As Duolingo became more popular, the troll problem grew, and so eventually Duolingo's response was to kill the forum. This mean you were no longer able to see legitimate, helpful comments on sentences. They threw the baby out with the bathwater.

This is why it was no surprise to me when they shuttered the Incubator. The technology was out of date (from their standpoint, you understand. Their in house courses were way more sophisticated, but they couldn't update the Incubator without potentially breaking hundreds of courses they hadn't created themselves), quality assurance was nearly impossible, and they were also paying people to create and maintain these out-of-date courses they had no direct control over. Of course they closed it down. It would've taken a massive investment of time and resources (and capital) to take the Incubator as it was and turn it into something robust and future proof (think old Wordpress vs. Wordpress now), and Duolingo wanted to do other things, instead—like math and music. And so the Incubator died.

But that wasn't the only reason. This was something we heard internally and then heard later on publicly. There was rumbling that Duolingo was using AI to help flesh out their in house courses, which was troubling. This was before the big Gen AI boom, but after a particularly pernicious conlang-creation website I won't name had come to exist, so it caught my attention. I decided to do a little digging and see what this was all about, and I ended up with a familiar name.

Klinton Bicknell.

Indeed, the very same Klinton Bicknell was the head of all AI ventures at Duolingo. Whether enthusiastically or reluctantly or somewhere in between, he was absolutely a part of the decision to close the Incubator and remove all the contractors who had created all the courses that gave Duolingo its reputation. (Because, seriously, why did most of us go to Duolingo? Not for English, Spanish, French, and German.)

I know you sent this ask because of the recent news about Duolingo, but, to be honest, when I saw one of these articles float across my dash I had to check the date, because to me, the news was old. Duolingo isn't just now replacing contractors with AI: They already did. That was the Incubator; those were contractors. That is why there won't be more new language courses on Duolingo, and why the current courses are frozen. This isn't news. This is the continuation of a policy that had already firmly in place, and a direction that rests solidly on the shoulders of Klinton Bicknell.

But you don't have to take my word for it. He's talked about this plenty himself:

Podcast (Generative Now)

Article in Fast Company

Article in CNET

Google can help you find others.

At this point there's a sharp and baffling division in society with respect to generative AI. On the one hand, you have those of us who disapprove of generative AI on a truly fundamental level. Not only is the product something we don't want, the cost—both environmental and ethical—is utterly insupportable. Imagine someone asking you, "Hey, would you like a sandwich made out of shoelaces and shit?" And you say, "God, no, why would anyone ever want that?!" And their response is, "But wait! To make this sandwich out of shoelaces and shit we had to strangle 1,000 kittens and drain the power grid. Now do you want it?"

On the other side, there are people who are still—I mean today—saying things like, "Wow! Have you heard of this AI thing?! It's incredible! I want AI in everything! Can AI make my table better? Can I add AI to my arthritis? We should make everything AI as quickly as possible!"

And conversations between the two sides go roughly like this:

A: Good lord, now they're using AI art on phone ads? Something has to stop this… B: Yeah, it's so cool! Look, I can make a new emoji on my phone with AI! A: Uhhh…what? I was saying it's bad. B: Totally! I wonder if there's an AI shower yet? Like, it could control the temperature so you always have the perfect shower! A: Do you know how much power it takes to run these genAI apps? At a time when we're already struggling with income inequality, housing, inflation, and climate change? B: I know! We should get AI to fix that! A: But AI is the problem! B: Hey ChatGPT: Teach me how to surf!

It's frustrating, because the B group is very much the 💁 group. It's like, "Someone was using ChatGPT and it told them to kill themselves!" and they respond, "Ha, ha! Wow. That shouldn't have happened. What a learning opportunity! ☺️ Hey ChatGPT: How do you make gazpacho?" There's a complete disconnect.

In terms of what you do with your money, it's a difficult thing. For example, I've used Apple computers consistently since 1988. I'm fully immersed in the Apple ecosystem and I love what they do. They, like every other major company, are employing AI. If you go over to r/apple any time one of these articles comes out, it's all comments from people criticizing Apple for not putting together a better AI product and putting it out faster; none saying that they shouldn't be doing it. They're all ravenous for genAI for reasons that defy my understanding. And so what do I do? I've turned off the AI features on all my Apple devices, but beyond that, I'm locked in. From one direction, I look like a hypocrite for using devices created by a company that's investing in AI. From the other direction, though, I am using their devices to say what they're doing is fucking despicable, and they should stop—and I'll keep doing so so long as there's breath in my body.

Duolingo isn't necessary the way that, say, a computer or phone is nowadays. Duolingo is still usable for free, though, of course, they make it a frustrating experience to use its free service. (This is certainly nothing exclusive to Duolingo. That's the way of everything nowadays: streaming services, games, social media... Not "Well give you cool things if you pay!" but "We'll make your life miserable if you don't!") If you do use their Incubator courses, though, I can assure you that those are AI-free. lol They're too outdated to have anything like that. Some of those courses are bigger than others; some are better than others. But all of them were put together by human volunteers, so there's that, at least. At this point, I don't think Duolingo needs your money—nor will they miss it. They're on a kind of macro plane at the moment where the next ten years will either see the company get even bigger or completely disintegrate; there's no in between. They're likely going to take a big swing into education (perhaps something like Duolingo University [Duoversity?]) and it's either going to make a ton of money or bankrupt them. I guess we'll have to wait and see.

I've taken the Finnish course in its entirety and we're doing Hungarian now, and I've learned a lot—not enough, but a lot. I'm grateful for it. I like the platform, and I agree with the basic tenets of the language courses (daily shallow intake is better than occasional deep intake; implicit learning ahead of explicit instruction is better than the reverse). I'm grateful they exist, I'm grateful we can still use them (because they can always retire all of them, remember), and I think it's brought a lot of positivity to the world. I think Luis Van Ahn is a good guy and I hope he can steer this thing back on course, but I'm not putting my money on it.

[this-is-exorsexism]

i'm gonna be real with you all. i've kind of been spiralling into dysphoria and internalised exorsexism. as stated in my pinned post, i'm multiply disabled. one of these disabilities is low vision, and i recently finished my O&M training. before that training, i was quite isolated and didn't go out much by myself. now i am able to use public transport and travel to unfamiliar places independently - but going out more also means being seen by more people, being subjected to the binary gaze. as a white cane user, i sometimes have to ask people for help or have people approach me asking if i need help - "don't perceive me" is not an option for me if i want to be safe and independent. there were a few times on my travels where i got misgendered, including very rudely by staff in a shop very loudly talking about my disability as if i wasn't there. and even if it wasn't super often, for some reason it must have really got to me. maybe it's because the top of my undercut now goes past my shoulder and that plus boobs reads "female" to people. i'm fat which makes my curves appear even more. and i like my hair. and i like my curves. and i don't want top surgery. but i hate how the binary gaze reads all of this as female. i hate that people misread my body. i hate that i don't have a chance of ever being gendered correctly because society does not recognise nonbinary people and if i were to cut my hair again they'd call me he which is just as wrong, but at least adds "balance". all the ideas about "privileged theyfabs who don't medically transition" have gotten to me massively. i feel like if i'm so obviously "female" to people i don't deserve to ask for different pronouns, i don't deserve to be out, i don't deserve to assert my gender. i feel like what's the point? being nonbinary in a binary world feels futile. i feel like i don't deserve to call myself trans because i don't want to medically transition (except maybe a hysterectomy if i ever get the money and a surgeon who will operate on fat people). not can't. don't WANT to. i feel like i don't deserve to call myself trans because i can't be bothered to bind. i feel like i don't deserve to call myself trans because i don't mind my body as it is for the most part but see it as nonbinary.i feel like i don't deserve to call myself trans because i look too female to people. i feel like i don't deserve to call myself trans because i'm doing things many people would consider "going back to my AGAB" like growing out my hair, wearing dresses, wearing earrings. i feel like i hardly deserve to call myself nonbinary because clearly i'm not doing enough to "neutralise" my appearance to be seen as anything other than female, i'm "not putting in the effort to pass". i feel like my oppression isn't real while at the same time rationally knowing that i only feel this way because of oppression. i also feel so alone because i never see anyone like me. fat nonbinary people are underrepresented. i never see nonbinary people with visible boobs who don't identify as fem(me). i never see what my style can look like because the only people i ever see in "men's" clothes are people invested in hiding their chest, "androgyny" is either boobless or boobs and beard. people like me don't seem to exist. all of these feelings are very new to me, especially in this intensity. i've been out for nearly a decade and never have i ever felt this much dysphoria and especially this much internalised exorsexism. i always considered myself lucky to not struggle with that too much but here we are. society has finally caught up with me. you can be all condescending and tell me all about "getting into the real world" and how it doesn't accommodate for nonbinary people all you want, how we're asking for too much and act like i'm a naive child who doesn't know the world, how the systemic erasure of nonbinary people is a privilege, idc anymore. so yeah i'm gonna take a little break. as for asks and submissions, keep 'em coming, i'll get to them eventually.

[mostlysignssomeportents]

Bluesky and enshittification

NEXT WEEKEND (November 8-10), I'll be in TUCSON, AZ: I'm the GUEST OF HONOR at the TUSCON SCIENCE FICTION CONVENTION.

I would like to use Bluesky. They've done a bunch of seriously interesting technical work on moderation and ranking that I truly admire, and I've got lots of friends there who really enjoy it.

But I'm not on Bluesky and I don't have any plans to join it anytime soon. I wrote about this in 2023: I will never again devote my energies to building up an audience on a platform whose management can sever my relationship to that audience at will:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/08/06/fool-me-twice-we-dont-get-fooled-again/

When a platform can hold the people you care about or rely upon hostage – when it can credibly threaten you with disconnection and exile – that platform can abuse you in lots of ways without losing your business. In other words, they can enshittify their service:

https://pluralistic.net/2024/08/17/hack-the-planet/#how-about-a-nice-game-of-chess

I appreciate that the CEO of Bluesky, Jay Graber, has evinced her sincere intention never to enshittify Bluesky and I believe she is totally sincere:

https://www.wired.com/story/bluesky-ceo-jay-graber-wont-enshittify-ads/

But here's the thing: all those other platforms, the ones where I unwisely allowed myself to get locked in, where today I find myself trapped by the professional, personal and political costs of leaving them, they were all started by people who swore they'd never sell out. I know those people, the old blogger mafia who started the CMSes, social media services, and publishing platforms where I find myself trapped. I considered they friends (I still consider most of them friends), and I knew them well enough to believe that they really cared about their users.

They did care about their users. They just cared about other stuff, too, and, when push came to shove, they chose the worsening of their services as the lesser of two evils.

Like: when your service is on the brink of being shut down by its investors, who demand that you compromise on privacy, or integrity, or quality, in some relatively small way, are you really going to stand on principle? What about all the users who won't be harmed by the compromise, but will have their communities and online lives shattered if you shut down the company? What about all the workers who trusted you, whose family finances will be critically imperilled if you don't compromise, just a little. What about the "ecosystem" partners who've bet on your service, building plug-ins, add-ons and services that make your product better? What about their employees and their employees' families?

Maybe you tell yourself, "If I do this, I'll live to fight another day. I can only make the service better for its users if the service still exists." Of course you tell yourself that.

I have watched virtually every service I relied on, gave my time and attention to, and trusted, go through this process. It happened with services run by people I knew well and thought highly of.

Enshittification can be thought of as the result of a lack of consequences. Whether you are tempted by greed or pressured by people who have lower ethics than you, the more it costs to compromise, the fewer compromises you'll make.

In other words, to resist enshittification, you have to impose switching costs on yourself.

That's where federation comes in. On Mastodon (and other services based on Activitypub), you can easily leave one server and go to another, and everyone you follow and everyone who follows you will move over to the new server. If the person who runs your server turns out to be imperfect in a way that you can't endure, you can find another server, spend five minutes moving your account over, and you're back up and running on the new server:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/03/04/pick-all-three/#agonism

Any system where users can leave without pain is a system whose owners have high switching costs and whose users have none. An owner who makes a bad call – like removing the block function say, or opting every user into AI training – will lose a lot of users. Not just those users who price these downgrades highly enough that they outweigh the costs of leaving the service. If leaving the service is free, then tormenting your users in this way will visit in swift and devastating pain upon you.

That not only helps you steer clear of rationalizing your way into a bad compromise: it also stops your investors and other people with leverage over you from pressuring you into taking actions that harm your users. These devils only sit on your shoulder, whispering temptations and threats, because they think that you can make things worse without spoiling their investment. They're not cruel, they're greedy. They will only insist on enshittification that they believe they can profit from. If they understand that forcing you to enshittify the service will send all your users packing and leave them with nothing, they will very likely not force you to wreck your service.

And of course, if they are so greedy that they force your hand anyway, then your users will be able to escape. Your service will be wrecked and you'll be broke, which sucks for you, but you're just one person and your pain is vastly outweighed by the relief for the millions of people who escape your service when it goes sour.

There's a name for this dynamic, from the world of behavioral economics. It's called a "Ulysses Pact." It's named for the ancient hacker Ulysses, who ignored the normal protocol for sailing through the sirens' sea. While normie sailors resisted the sirens' song by filling their ears with wax, Ulysses instead had himself lashed to the mast, so that he could hear the sirens' song, but could not be tempted into leaping into the sea, to be drowned by the sirens.

Whenever you take a measure during a moment of strength that guards against your own future self's weakness, you enter into a Ulysses Pact – think throwing away the Oreos when you start your diet.

There is no such thing as a person who is immune to rationalization or pressure. I'm certainly not. Anyone who believes that they will never be tempted is a danger to themselves and the people who rely on them. A belief you can never be tempted or coerced is like a belief that you can never be conned – it makes you more of a mark, not less.

Bluesky has many federated features that I find technically admirable. I only know the CEO there slightly, but I have nothing but good opinions of her. At least one of the board members there, Mike Masnick, is one of my oldest friends and comrades in the fights for user rights. We don't agree on everything, but I trust him implicitly and would happily give him the keys to my house if he needed a place to stay or even the password for my computer before I had major surgery.

But even the best boards can make bad calls. It was just a couple years ago that we had to picket to stop the board of ISOC – where I had several dear old friends and comrades – from selling control of every .ORG domain to a shadowy hedge-fund run by mustache-twirling evil billionaires:

https://www.eff.org/deeplinks/2020/12/how-we-saved-org-2020-review

Bluesky lacks the one federated feature that is absolutely necessary for me to trust it: the ability to leave Bluesky and go to another host and continue to talk to the people I've entered into community with there. While there are many independently maintained servers that provide services to Bluesky and its users, there is only one Bluesky server. A federation of multiple servers, each a peer to the other, has been on Bluesky's roadmap for as long as I've been following it, but they haven't (yet) delivered it.

That was worrying when Bluesky was a scrappy, bootstrapped startup with a few million users. Now it has grown to over 13 million users, and it has taken on a large tranche of outside capital:

https://fediversereport.com/on-bluesky-and-enshittification/

Plenty of people have commented that now that a VC is holding Bluesky's purse-strings, enshittification will surely follow (doubly so because the VC is called "Blockchain Capital," which, at this point, might as well be "Grifty Scam Caveat Emptor Capital"). But I don't agree with this at all. It's not outside capital that leads to enshittification, it's leverage that enshittifies a service.

A VC that understands that they can force you to wreck your users' lives is always in danger of doing so. A VC who understands that doing this will make your service into an empty – and thus worthless – server is far less likely to do so (and if they do, at least your users can escape).

My publishing process is a lot of work and adding another service to it represents a huge amount of future labor:

https://pluralistic.net/2021/01/13/two-decades/#hfbd

But I would leap into Bluesky and gladly taken on all that extra work, every day – if I knew that I couldn't get trapped there.

I don't know why Bluesky hasn't added the federation systems that would enable freedom of exit to its service. Perhaps there are excellent technical reasons to prioritize rolling out the other systems they've created so far. Frankly, it doesn't matter. So long as Bluesky can be a trap, I won't let myself be tempted. My rule – I don't join a service that I can't leave without switching costs – is my Ulysses Pact, and it's keeping me safe from danger I've sailed into too many times before.

If you'd like an essay-formatted version of this post to read or share, here's a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:

https://pluralistic.net/2024/11/02/ulysses-pacts/#tie-yourself-to-a-federated-mast

[obsesssedblerd]

JJK fic / drabbles / thought dumps masterlist

welcome! anything jujutsu kaisen related that i post will be here. 💕

note: as this list continues to grow as i post more writing, pls remember that anything with a "🔞" has smut, and minors shouldn't interact with it. also, consider anything without a description to be super short lol.

happy reading! 💕

---

GOJO

Filling the Empty Spaces - you and your husband Satoru's house is too big, but luckily, you have the first years to fill it up. [First part of the au where the first years get adopted]

life after adopting the first years hcs

When Five Becomes Six [coming soon] - you bring your daughter, Riko, into the world, and your adopted kids reassure an anxious Satoru that he won't be the only one protecting her.

Birthday Wishes - It's Satoru's birthday, and while you and Riko accompany him on a scavenger hunt, Yuuji is in charge of planning the best party ever.

Wanting you, but constantly getting interrupted 🔞

Gojo with his mini

Returning to you after the battle(?)

"Shut me up." - There's only one bed, and you're stuck with the most infuriating person you've ever worked with.

bringing the baby to school

Interrogation Method - Satoru Gojo is trying to find Suguru Geto, and you, a curse-user he captured, knows where he is. He'll get you to talk.

stealing the christmas cookies

wearing lingerie for him

clan leader satoru

first touch without infinity

GETO

Dirty little secret 🔞 [pt. 2]

making fun of his size 🔞

switching into dad mode

smooth talker 🔞

"jealous" suguru

"oh, she went missing?"

NANAMI

nanami as your boyriend

secret child

Christmas Wedding

flashbacks from malaysia 🔞

CHOSO

Roommate Choso

big brother things

quiet weekends

asking yuki for advice

TOJI

"Who's your new teacher?" - [ongoing] Toji meets Megumi's new preschool teacher, and immediately develops a crush. [pt. 2], [pt.3], [pt.4]

"I think our son's crush is Spider-Man."

"Let me have you." - After making a mistake during a mission together, you and Toji Fushiguro have to hide in a cramped closet.

megumi getting you and toji back together

school fights

animal onesies

SUKUNA

Uncle Sukuna

The King of Curses and his daughter - [ongoing] Multiple drabbles about Ryomen Sukuna being a good father to his baby daughter

the day she arrives

early mornings

picky eater

be back soon

first steps

snow day

flowers

sukuna's kisses 🔞

meeting teacher sukuna hcs

SATOSUGU X READER

dating satoru and suguru

dating satoru and suguru hcs (pt. 2)

Fifteen More Minutes

Saying Goodbye

calling satoru "pretty boy"

asking satoru to kill a roach

seeing satoru for the first time in 10 years

tipsy satoru 🔞

surprise adopting at the same time

ITAFUSHI

first day at a new school

aftermath of the battle

MULTIPLE X READER

asking them to kill a spider

being the jjk villains' favorite 🔞

who they'd be for (pt 1)

[hermitcraftheadcanons]

Had an ask from an anonymous user that Tumblr was refusing to let me post, contents of ask below.

the "who's strong enough to pick up ___" questions are all wrong. all hermits can pick each other up, they're all strong! they can carry millions of blocks with ease for goodness sake!!! the real question is who can handle them. there's a likely chance that they'd squirm out of their hold during any attempt. so here's a small list of who I believe can handle who: mumbo can pick grian up.. usually. he'd try and wiggle out, hit him with his wing, or even squirm and attack like a child, but Mumbo's known him long enough to know how to handle him. scar would allow grian to pick him up. honestly, he'd just like to feel like a princess + all the teasing he'll get away with. all hermits can theoretically pick etho up, but wouldn't dare to. he's the type to just freeze up and maybe stare until they're uncomfortable enough to let go.. but no one to this day, dared attempt it. gem has picked up pearl like a cat multiple times. usually for shits and giggles, pearl just stares pathetically at her, whining for her to let go (if she actually wanted her to let go though, poking with a stick or sword proved to be very sufficient) skizz easily picks up impulse. he's honestly picked him up and spun him around while hugging him so many times to the point where he doesn't even try to fight back. Joel has attempted to pick up every hermit he's come to challenge, and almost always ends up failing.

Skizz also enjoys being held by pretty much anyone on the server, and a good way to stop him doing Shenanigans is to simply scoop him up.

Tango is an expert at wiggling out of an unprepared hermit's grasp. Like a cat.

-Mod Mleem

[dustymoji-aac]

📲 AAC User Ask Game :] 💬

Remember that anyone can refuse to answer a question for any reason, even if that reason is just that they don't want to say !! Be respectful and courteous. Feel free to tag a friend if you think they'd enjoy :]

!! Geared towards more high tech AAC but a lot of the asks could work for other types of AAC too !!

💙 :: What types of AAC do you use?

🐌 :: Would you say you're pretty fast or pretty slow at using your AAC?

🛑 :: Is there any situation where you would avoid using a certain kind of AAC?

🪁 :: When did you first start using your main form of AAC?

📺 :: Do you have a favorite character you headcanon as using AAC?

🥚 :: Do you tend to rely on labels or emojis/symbols more to quickly find the word you need?

🎒 :: What do you do when you don't have your main form of AAC? (If it runs out of battery, is left somewhere, gets damaged, etc)

🫧 :: What's the weirdest button or card in your AAC?

💭 :: How expansive is your vocabulary on your AAC?

🎨 :: Do you have any fun phrases on your AAC?

🪺 :: [SPECIAL] [HIGH TECH SPECIFIC] Type the next three asks using your AAC (if you aren't already)

🍪 :: How do you organize your food folder(s)?

💿 :: How finished would you say your AAC is?

🎁 :: [HIGH TECH SPECIFIC] Do you have any cute accessories like cases, straps, or stickers on your AAC?

🤟 :: [SPECIAL] Show me the main page/cards/section of your AAC !!

⛅️ :: What's something your AAC isn't great at?

🪱 :: Why do you use AAC? No wrong answers !!

✂️ :: [HIGH TECH SPECIFIC] When your AAC says a word wrong, do you try to fix the pronunciation or do you just let it be?

🧸 :: Do you have a name for your AAC? Do you personify it in any other way?

🫂 :: Are you more private with your AAC or do you like to show it to people?

🪅 :: Would you say your AAC is aesthetically pleasing or is it more chaotic?

🐚 :: Do you rely more on full phrases or do you prefer to build sentences with individual words?

🍿 :: [HIGH TECH SPECIFIC] How deep is your deepest folder?

🛝 :: Are you comfortable using your AAC in public?

🐛 :: Do you use your AAC in any unique ways?

🛍 :: [SPECIAL] Make a moodboard or stimboard based on your AAC :]

✏️ :: Do you use more community made symbols by AAC emoji artists or the original base symbols AAC is typically seen with?

🎭 :: What's the hardest part of being an AAC user?

🫗 :: Do you stim with your AAC?

📚 :: Do you care how your AAC looks? Do you value form or function more?

📬 :: [SPECIAL] Give a shout out to an AAC community member's blog you like !! Spread the love :] ♡

🎡 :: [HIGH TECH SPECIFIC] What does your AAC's voice sound like? Why did you choose it?

🧼 :: What's a button or card that you hardly ever use?

[leglimh]

idk about you but I vibe with your cartoon Shrimpo design (the one in your old cartoon vhs animations)! Am I allowed to see more??

yes as long as you can stand my low quality doodles and horrid handwriting

yhis is basically just me yapping about the way i designed him n such ill type all this out since i have.not so legible handwriting and for the screenreader users

-now obviously since this show is from the 90's, they'd probably use traditional cel animation for the earlier seasons of the show which is why shrimpo doesn't have those fady colors on his body (as he does in the official renders n stuff

-you may have noticed he wears a vest - i gave him it because i personally thought that silly dress wasn't 90's enough

-oh yeah hes like a boxer and shit i think there would be a lot of gags where he does boxer things and gets his ass MAULED

-his face/stomach is orange becaause idk. just seemed like if it were the 90s theyd do that. also just makes the design feel older. i think theyd maybe change his face to white from like 1998 and onwards

[wheelie-sick]

I don't know how to express this quite right but I'm going to try

in an ideal world everyone who uses a wheelchair with regularity would have access to an adequate custom wheelchair but it is very frustrating when people who are much more ambulatory than I am call me lucky for having insurance approve mine. they aren't recognizing the difference in circumstances between us, they aren't recognizing the position I was in when I got my wheelchair approved.

I know it's frustrating to get an insurance denial, and denial does not mean you don't need a custom wheelchair, but when people do get approved it is usually because they have incredibly significant limitations on their mobility. a lot of people hear about ambulatory wheelchair users being approved for a custom wheelchair and think of an occasional wheelchair user (using occasional here to mean not for a significant portion of every day) I think they don't think about the fact that 10 steps is still ambulatory. I rarely hear of occasional wheelchair users getting approval for a custom wheelchair because being able to walk for a significant portion of every day is actually quite a lot of mobility in the grand scheme of things!

I have pretty consistently had people ask me how I got approved for a custom wheelchair while ambulatory, how I convinced insurance to let me have one, and it's hard to answer because I just unequivocally needed one? when I was approved for my custom wheelchair I was walking under 150 steps a day. I remember this because I wore a Fitbit for a while. that is approximately 4 trips to the bathroom and none to the kitchen. I had to have my family bring me meals because my mobility was so limited. the people who ask me this most often are people on my university campus, people capable of walking to and from their classes a significant portion of the time. ambulatory wheelchair user is a huge gradient of experiences, the ambulatory wheelchair users who get approval for custom wheelchairs are on the side of the spectrum much closer to being entirely unable to walk.

I am often used comparatively by people who have substantially more mobility than me. people will hold up my wheelchair approval and say "look! he got a wheelchair! why can't I get a wheelchair?" statements like this diminish the circumstances I was in when I got that approval. when people hold me up as "the ambulatory wheelchair user who got a custom wheelchair approved" but they're attending school and going to the grocery store they are dismissing a substantial portion of my life where I was a near full time wheelchair user. it shows they don't understand my experience. no, it isn't okay that so many ambulatory wheelchair users are denied custom wheelchairs that they need, but I am not an example of inconsistency unless you too are taking under 150 steps a day. it just makes me feel so used and misunderstood.

truly the most frustrating experience is being told I am "lucky" for having insurance approve my wheelchair. I did not get an approval through luck. it was not chance, it was significant mobility disability. it completely erases the difference in the experience of being an occasional wheelchair user and being a wheelchair user who can only take 25 steps at a time. back when I was less ambulatory I regularly heard (and still hear) people talk to me about how they wish they were me because they don't have a custom wheelchair but if they did they'd use it every time they left the house. they gloss over the fact that I don't get a choice. if I don't leave the house in my wheelchair I am not leaving the house.

it's all just exhausting to deal with. I wish people realized the difference in our circumstances better.

-> this is a post about people with insurance being denied, not about people without access to insurance <-

[dioslesbianwife]

YIPPEEEEEE REQUESTS ARE OPEN AGAIN!! I absolutely love your work!!! Now mayhaps I can as for some Stand Whisper!Reader? (I read the previous two works and found them absolutely adorable and now I crave more)

This time, since stands love the reader SO SO much, how would the Jojos feel if like they saw a hoard of stands waiting in their backyard like a gang of stray cats. Then the reader shuffles past them with an armful of stand-specific treats like “They’re here for me—Hey babiessss!!! How are you today!!!” -cue cacophony of happy stand noises- (And as a lil tid-bit of extra funnies and hahas you don’t have to add this but mayhaps the Jojos find the gang’s stands are also there or maybe even the enemy stands who are poorly disguised so they can get good food)

Love your work, thank for you feeding the Jojo fans, happy writing!!!^^

thank youu! sure, i love writing the stand whisperer ones haha this is such a cute and funny idea lol, thank u for requesting, i hope u enjoy <333!

Jonathan Joestar

Jonathan doesn’t even know what a Stand is. So when he wakes up to a crowd of strange, semi-transparent figures in the yard, he’s like 🧍‍♂️“??? Demons??? Ghosts??”

Then he hears you giggling like, “Aw, Mr. Hermit Purple! You brought your friends today!” and watches you distribute exact little snacks like a tea party host.

He’s frozen at the window. "Are... those yours?"

“Nope! They’re just visiting. Aren’t they cute?”

He’s both impressed and extremely confused. 

“They’re like stray cats… but made of spiritual power. You have such a kind aura. It makes sense they'd trust you.”

He tries to bring you sandwiches once while you’re outside feeding them. They move for him. He screams a little.

Jonathan: secretly jealous. He wishes he could understand Stands the way you do.

Joseph Joestar

He thinks he’s hallucinating when he sees Hierophant Green poking its tendrils through the fence.

Then he spots you walking barefoot across the lawn like a Stand Disney Princess™ with a bag of treats labeled things like “Sticky Fingers: Sugar-Free Gum” and “Echoes: Scooby Snacks.”

Joseph leans on the windowsill like “Babe. BABE. What are you DOING?!”

You: “Feeding them. They came all this way.”

“Came from WHERE?! HELL?!”

He tries to approach and a bunch of enemy Stands hiss at him like rabid raccoons. Joseph screeches and flees.

He watches you pet a poorly disguised Strength (yes, the orangutan’s cargo ship stand) like “Who’s a good boat?? Yes you are!”

Joseph starts suspecting every Stand user you meet is secretly just there for you.

Jealous af, but too proud to admit it. Starts bribing the Stands with hot dogs.

Jotaro Kujo

Jotaro steps outside in the morning with a coffee and finds like. A platoon of Stands silently sitting in the grass like spiritual flamingos.

Star Platinum is there, cuddled up like a big purple cat under your arm as you hand out weird otherworldly snacks like a zookeeper.

He stares. Deadpan. “Yare yare daze. What the hell is this?”

You wave. “Morning! They're just chilling!”

Jotaro narrows his eyes. The World is here. Dressed in a pair of sunglasses. He’s wearing a hat. He’s trying to be incognito. Failing miserably.

Jotaro: “Is that DIO’s fucking Stand?”

You: “Maybe! He likes the freeze-dried strawberries.”

He walks away grumbling but can’t hide that tiny twitch of a smile when he hears the Stands purr at your voice.

Later finds out that his Star Platinum snuck out at night to go nap at the foot of your bed. Jotaro has never felt so threatened.

Josuke Higashikata

Josuke goes to take out the trash and trips over The Hand who is lying on your porch like a giant lazy dog waiting for scraps.

He SCREAMS.

“BABE???! THERE’S STANDS ON OUR LAWN!!”

You’re in a bathrobe, sleepy-eyed, carrying a tray of specific items. “I made treats. Crazy Diamond likes lemonade, but don’t tell anyone.”

You walk out and the instant your feet touch the grass, the Stands start vibrating with joy.

Josuke watches his own Stand get up and nuzzle your face.

“Bro. Even MY Stand???”

You: “He’s very well-behaved! He even helped carry the snacks today!”

When Josuke sees enemy Stands like Red Hot Chili Pepper and Killer Queen trying to wear fake mustaches to blend in, he goes feral.

“NO. I AM NOT LETTING CHEAP TRICK IN MY HOUSE.” Cue you gently petting Cheap Trick like a gross little raccoon.

Giorno Giovanna

The mafia Don walks out into the vineyard and sees THREE enemy Stands, TWO members of Passione’s, and 1 lonely Black Sabbath lounging on his lawn like sunbathers.

You’re in the middle, gently patting them and handing out color-coded macaron snacks.

Gold Experience turns to him like ‘sorry boss, they’re here for…the food.’

Giorno’s like 😦 “That’s… adorable? Terrifying? Both??”

“Are you taming them??”

“Nope! They just come for snack day! Turns out Purple Haze likes confetti cake.”

Giorno doesn’t stop you, but he starts keeping little tabs on who shows up. Even King Crimson lurks once and Giorno is like 👁️👄👁️

Still, he feels pride watching how even the most violent Stands melt under your affection. It proves what he’s always known: you’re kind, but powerful.

Starts asking you to “negotiate” with enemy Stands before fights. They always listen to you.

Jolyne Cujoh

Jolyne comes home and finds her bed occupied by Stone Free, who is being spooned by your entire body.

She goes to your backyard and sees a full-blown Stand daycare.

Whitesnake is hiding behind a tree like he thinks you won’t notice. Limp Bizkit is chewing on your shoes.

“Babe what the fuck is this???”

You: “They get anxious. The world is hard for them.”

She gets a little jealous but also loves it. Especially when even enemy Stands chill out around you.

“You tamed that disgusting Green Baby?? HOW??”

Stands have learned to protect you too. If anyone yells at you, they will materialize behind you like:

😐🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪

Once Foo Fighters shows up in a bucket, Jolyne gives up trying to understand.

“Yeah alright. At this point I believe you could calm Made in Heaven with a head scratch and a saddle.”

Johnny Joestar

Johnny wakes up and finds you talking to Tusk Act 1 like it’s a literal feral child.

“Hey buddy! You came back! I made the little golden beetle snack you like!”

It SPINS and chirps and launches into your arms like a flying rodent.

He’s like 😐 “Do you know that thing can kill.”

You: “He’s misunderstood.”

The yard is full of STANDS, including some from corpse part seekers, just quietly eating your magical little ghost treats.

Johnny rolls up like “I got beef with half of these freaks” and they all hiss at him like cats.

You literally make a nest of Stands to cuddle in. Even Scary Monsters curls around you like a dinosaur pup.

Johnny mumbles something about “Stand groupies” and stomps away, but secretly thinks you’re the most terrifyingly powerful person he’s ever met.

Josuke Higashikata (Gappy)

Josuke is confused. Always.

“Babe? Why is Born This way in our garden?”

You: “It likes orange and lemon slices!”

“That Stand has chased me like a hunting dog.”

Josuke watches Soft & Wet purring like a baby under your lap while I Am a Rock sits beside you like a boulder dog.

“Do they always do this???”

“Only on Wednesdays.”

Wonder of U tries to disguise itself as a harmless old man. You pet it anyway.

Gappy starts to get paranoid that every Stand is actually here for you and not him.

He comes home to find you mid-nap surrounded by Stands who look at him like a threat.

Secretly loves that his own Stand gets excited every time you coo at it.

Jodio Joestar

“BRO. BRO. BROOOOOO.”

“What?”

“THERE’S. STANDS. IN OUR YARD.”

You’re literally outside throwing frisbees and the Stands are playing like dogs at the park.

November Rain flops beside you like a wet sea lion. Jodio’s jaw drops.

“He’s not even that nice to me.”

Even Stands like Cat Size and Heaven’s Door show up. Some wear hats and fake mustaches like they’re in disguise. It’s pathetic.

Jodio’s first instinct is: can we profit off this

Second instinct: wait they’re more loyal to them than to me?? tf??

Eventually he just accepts that you’re like the ghost-whisperer-caregiver of Hawaii.

He follows you around like a bouncer while you feed evil Stands pastries. “You good bro? You got eyes on Bags Groove?”