#When I wanted to quit my job 10 years ago I told everyone I was going to move to CO and have a Llama farm

[loonylesbian]

ok i am very much so not a writer, or at least not creatively. but i had this idea and i couldn’t get it out of my head so i decided to write it out. it ended up being 6.1k words so feel free to not finish it cause i’m sure it’s not good. however if you do read the entire thing i hope you like it and don’t clown on me too hard. long story short either you’re welcome for this or i’m sorry for this. there is no inbetween

naked in manhattan // k. martin

10 years ago

“Kate can you believe it! We’re starting high school!!!” you scream, hugging your best friend on the last day of summer. If you were being totally honest, you were nervous never being good at making friends, always relying on Kate for that. Her being so outgoing and friendly, it’s not that you weren’t nice, you really were, if anyone asked Kate would say that you’re the sweetest person she’s ever met, you were just shy. Talking to just about anyone made you nervous, in fact, you had a short list of people who didn’t make you nervous.

“I know! It’s gonna be great, I’m gonna do my best in basketball and volleyball, and you, my little genius, are gonna be the best in every class, and make tons of new friends,” she reassured you as if she could feel the nerves radiating off of you in waves. You were grateful for that, she had always been able to know exactly what you were feeling and how to help, even if you didn’t. It was one of your favorite things about her, sure there were too many things you loved about her to count, but that was one of your absolute favorites.

“I promise I’m gonna do my best to make it to each and every single game of yours,” you told her holding up your pinky while looking up at her, she giggled and interlocked her pinky with yours in a pinky promise, something you have insisted on doing since you met. You swore that it was more real than a regular promise, and made it to where the universe let the promise happen, not just the people involved.

“Well if it’s a pinky promise, I know you're never gonna miss a game,” she replied with a smile reserved just for you.

7 years ago

So far your promise had held, not without some struggle, but you had still attended every game Kate had for both sports she played, and just about every other game she just wanted to watch. There were a few games where you were late because of your job, studying, or other things that had gotten in the way, and the two times where you sat as far away from everyone else as humanly possible because you didn’t want to get them sick but also didn’t want to miss Kate’s game, but for the most part you sat right at the front to cheer on your best friend.

After the game tonight you guys were gonna have a sleepover as tradition for Friday night games, whether it resulted in a win or a loss. Either way, you usually ended up in her arms bringing her comfort, whether that be her knowing that she deserves it because she played well and won to bring her down from that high or wishing she had done things differently to change that loss and you reassuring her that it wasn’t all her fault, because as far as your were concerned basketball was a team sport and a loss couldn’t hang solely on one person's shoulders. After all, you were her number one supporter, never failing to let her know how proud of her you are and how much you love her no matter how she feels. You made everything feel okay for her, but it was the least you could do, afterall she did that and more for you.

when i sing that lana song it makes you cry

On the drive back to her house listening to the radio, she couldn’t help but look at you as much as she could without crashing the car. She couldn't help but feeling like she was was really listening to the song for the first time as you were singing along to “Young and Beautiful” by Lana Del Ray. She didn’t quite know what it was but when she looked at you and listened to you singing she couldn't help but feel her heart race and her body flush, she swore she could listen to you forever. Had someone told her in that moment she would never get to hear you sing like that, she would swear she’d cry And if anyone asked, she would tell them she liked girls, it wasn’t like it was a secret, and she’s had crushes before, she knows what it feels like. But she never thought she would have a crush on you, purely because you were her best friend, she couldn’t do that, it could ruin your friendship. That wasn't something she was willing, or at least wanted, to risk. A friendship that you've had since kindergarten, although now that she thought about it, it was basically a lesbian right of passage to fall in love with your best friend and-

mean girls we watch every night, and we both have a crush on regina george

“So wanna watch Mean Girls?” you ask abruptly interrupting her thoughts. Truth be told she’s glad that you did, it was probably best that she didn’t dwell on those thoughts for too long. Little did she know she wasn’t the only one who wasn’t having completely friendly thoughts about the other. She was just the only one who wasn’t in total denial about liking girls in the first place.

“Obviously. As if we would watch anything else first,” she replies with a scoff as if it were crazy for you to even ask. Although, to be fair it was crazy of you to ask because that was the first movie you watched anytime you had a sleepover, and it had been that way for years.

“Sorry. Sorry. I forgot you had a crush on Regina George,” you said with a small chuckle, brushing off the twinge of pain you felt at the idea of Kate having a crush on anyone else, even if it was a fictional character from a movie. Because why would you be sad or jealous about that? She was just your best friend, right?

Kate flushed even more red at this comment if that were possible with the combination of the game she had just played and watching you. Even though it was chilly outside and in the car, in that moment it felt like it was 100°. She wasn’t sure if it was nerves or joy that was causing her to feel that way, but she did. In that moment life was perfect, the chill in the air, the rain falling around the car they sat in, the now soft music coming from the speakers, and most importantly you. She wished she could stay in that moment forever, just taking you in, stuck in that perfect moment forever. She let out a slightly nervous chuckle, lightly biting her lip, before she replied, not wanting to break the peace she felt.

“Okay, okay, don’t act like you don’t have a crush on her too. I know you have a thing for blondes.” She finally lets out trying to wave you off and ignore her pounding heartbeat, all while trying to steal another glance at you. What she doesn’t notice, however, is your face flushing or your fists clenching when she says that as if she uncovered a deep dark secret, that you hadn’t told anybody. And to be fair that’s exactly how you felt, you did have a crush on this mean girl and you did have a thing for blondes, but you hadn’t quite come to terms with that yourself, let alone talk to anybody about it. So if anyone asked, the blondes you had a thing for were blonde guys, but you were hoping nobody would ask. Even if that person was Kate, your best friend.

And you didn’t notice her grip on the steering wheel tighten a little bit, waiting for a response. Hoping you would do or say anything to acknowledge what she had said, telling her she was right or wrong, waving her off altogether, laughing. She waited for any acknowledgment of what she had said for the rest of the ride home, but it never came. Instead, you changed the subject all together after sitting in silence for a few minutes. You hoped she didn’t notice that, but she did.

And so you followed your typical Friday night game routine, going to her house, watching Mean Girls, finding yourselves tangled up together but never acknowledging it, and then turning on some other random show or movie before falling asleep. Still in each other's arms. Still, just best friends.

6 years ago

Today was the day, the last full day before your crush best friend was leaving you. Ok well not you per se, but she was leaving. And yes you were also going to leave and go even farther in a few weeks, but that’s beside the point. It still felt like she was leaving you and it just didn’t feel right. You couldn’t exactly put into words how or why you felt so badly about it, but you did. Maybe the fact that you had never been apart for longer than a week played a part in it. Sure, you were both gonna go off and hopefully live your dreams, but it just didn’t feel right to do that away from each other. However, she was going to Iowa and you were going to New York and there's nothing you could do to change that now. And you did genuinely think about going to Iowa instead, but New York was your dream, so when you got into culinary school there you decided to go. You knew you loved it and you knew that New York was a great place to start, not to get started on the fact that it could take you literally anywhere you wanted to go. That didn’t make the decision any less painful though.

“I’m gonna miss you so much,” you whispered in Kate’s ear giving her a hug. You honestly don’t know why you’re saying it right now, it’s not like she's leaving right this second, but you still need to say it, and you’ll probably say it about 1,000 more times before you actually have to say goodbye in the morning after your final Friday night sleepover, even if it didn’t follow a game you guys have grown into the habit of doing this almost every Friday night. She squeezes you tighter if possible when she hears this, trying to burn that moment into her memory, knowing she loves you but it’s too late to do anything about it now, at least not anything serious. It wouldn’t be fair to either of you, to admit her feelings for you after years of friendship less than 24 hours before you guys go to different states for college. It would be cruel, and she told herself it would almost be more cruel if you felt the same way about her. She knew that you came to terms with being queer, at least enough to admit it to her and yourself, what she didn’t know is that a big part of that was you coming to terms with being in love with her. But still, it was too late and she had to let that be.

“I’m gonna miss you too,” Kate said with a big sigh before releasing you, muttering a quick “more than you could know,” under her breath, hoping you didn’t hear. Happy when you showed no indication of hearing the last part.

“But we still have a whole afternoon/night to do all of our favorite things together before I leave. And we can go get our favorite breakfast in the morning,” she said with a more upbeat tone, poking your sides slightly, trying to lighten your spirits too. Slightly succeeding when she saw you perk up a little, putting a small smile on her face.

“Okay, okay, so what do you say to popcorn, Mean Girls, and a bunch of candy?” you asked, slightly mimicking her accent. She replies with an eager nod. Grabbing your hand and pulling you to her room after making a pit stop for the snacks, failing to notice the blush that covered your cheeks. You simply follow her rushed pace, happy you decided to wear sweats and a tank top, as opposed to something like jeans to lounge around in.

By the time you were about halfway through the movie, you found yourself wrapped in her arms, like usual. But for some reason not knowing when you’ll see her again after this, and the cheesy high school coming-of-age movie in the background made you a little more confident. Not super confident to where you would outright tell Kate that you’re in love with her, but confident enough to try and hint at something, which is more than you’d ever been willing to do with anyone else. So that’s what you do. Especially after spending years denying your feelings, and almost a whole extra year hiding them.

“You know what sucks,” you start off looking up at her waiting for any kind of acknowledgment. She finally looks down at you with a light “Hmm?”

“I’m about to go to college and I haven’t even had my first kiss,” you say unable to stop your eyes from glancing down to her lips. This statement took her off guard, sure, you had never talked about anyone, guys or girls, but you’re you and she figured you had your first kiss and in your typical shy fashion, you just hadn't wanted to bring it up.

“What? No way!” she says laughing a little only realizing her mistake when she saw your face drop.

“No no no, I didn’t mean it like that. I just don’t get how you of all people haven’t had your first kiss yet!” she exclaims “I mean you’re literally perfect, you’re beautiful, you’re smart, you’re funny, you’re a great cook, I mean you're my favorite person in the world. I just don’t get how no one’s kissed you yet!” she finished off her little rant with a small huff.

“Well no one’s wanted to,” you mumble looking down a little bit, feeling embarrassed all of a sudden.

“That’s not true,” she mumbles quieter now than she had been before, suddenly feeling almost as shy as you while taking you off guard. It was pretty obvious what she meant, no hidden meaning laced in with her words, unable to pick her gaze back up to your eyes once they dropped down to your lips.

“I mean would you?” you question with a little more confidence once you notice where she's looking. You can’t help but follow her lead and look down to her lips, before going back up to her eyes, even though she still wasn’t looking.

touch me baby, put your lips on mine

“It doesn’t have to be weird or anything, it's just you’re my best friend, and I’ve never kissed anyone, and you’re leaving tomorrow and I don’t want to go to college without at least having my first kiss,” you kind of spit out hoping you don’t sound pathetic or desperate, or make her want to kick you out.

“Would you want me to?” she questions back, already knowing your answer but just wanting to ask to know that you were sure.

“Yeah, I’d like that” You rush out in a kind of whisper to her nodding, so she nods back to you. You can both tell that you’re nervous, each for different reasons. All it takes for you to start leaning into each other is locking your eyes again. In that moment she looks like an angel, with the soft glow of the lamp making her hair look even more golden than usual, to the way she was looking at you, not to mention how you felt about the grip she had on you. You barely even had time to actually look at her before her lips crashed onto yours. And that’s exactly what it felt like in that moment, like waves crashing onto cliffs, a completely overwhelming feeling, yet still, it brought you a newfound sense of peace. She pulled you as close to her as possible, knowing that this may be the only time you get to do this, not wanting to be even an inch away from you. At this point you were basically straddling her while she was leaning up against her headboard, both wanting nothing more than to be together, knowing you couldn’t.

You had never kissed anyone before but thought to yourself that in that moment that if this is what it is like you never wanted to stop. Kate had kissed people before, and you knew that, but what you didn’t know was that none of those felt anything like with you. They couldn’t compare. Not by a long shot. If she didn’t know how much she loved you before, she definitely knew now. The only issue is that she knows this, it’s gonna make it even harder to leave you in the morning.

By the time you guys pull away breathless from a mixture of kissing, nerves, and giddiness, you can’t help but feel at peace, resting your foreheads against each other’s. Sure you knew that nothing could come of this, that nothing would come of this, at least not right now. But you were happy. Happy that you got to show her how much you love her in one small way, one new way. Happy that you got to know her, and happy that she felt the same way about you. Even if you guys didn’t necessarily talk about it, or say outright say it, you both knew that was always one of the best things about your friendship, you didn’t have to actually talk in order to communicate and get your point across, and even when you did need words you didn’t need many of them.

So when you guys make eye contact again you come to a silent agreement, you have that night, and the next morning to talk if you want. You know you love each other, but also that there's realistically nothing you can do for you to start a relationship at that moment and have it work out. Not when you were about to be nearly 1,000 miles apart. It wasn’t right to risk it. And you both know that you’re too important to each other to risk your friendship, especially when almost all of the circumstances are pointing to it not working out. So, you have that night, after that, you’re friends again, maybe not even best friends, and if it works out you can be together in the future when you can be closer. But for the time being this is for the best, this is safe.

April 2024 || Present Day

It had been years since you and Kate had last seen each other properly, there were brief passings when you were both in your hometown that resulted in short conversations, but you were both barely there, you less than her, and when you were your family made sure you never went longer than 20 minutes without them other than to let you sleep. You had stuck to being friends, not best friends, just friends. Never talking about that night, your last night together. Not wanting to risk it, not yet. Other than that, you guys have managed to text each other occasionally to check-in. Keeping each other updated on your lives, but not close. It was as if you had both come to the understanding that you should keep a certain level of distance so as not to ruin what you had. Knowing that if you talked more, you would’ve talked about what could have been more. And you just couldn’t risk it.

id love if you knew you were on my mind, constant like cicadas in the summertime

That’s not to say that you didn’t keep an eye on her and her basketball. You had been her #1 fan since day one, and even if you didn’t talk or see each other as much as you used to, you wouldn’t let that change. You still felt the exact same way when you thought about her, even if you tried not to. Even when you knew you shouldn’t. You just couldn’t stop thinking about her. While you obviously couldn’t go to all of her games anymore, you still watched every single one, even when you were at work during them you would try to either watch it on your phone or record it and watch it when you got home later. You even managed to take off work for both the Final Four and the Finals this year to watch her and her team, even if you didn’t make it in person, you still had to watch the games live. And once you heard that she had declared for the WNBA draft you had to get a ticket for that, it was perfect, it was in Brooklyn so you didn’t have to travel more than taking the subway. And this time you told yourself that you would talk to her, not go up to her at the draft but you would text her and let her know that you were gonna be there if she wanted to meet up after, or at any point while she was in town. You would make an effort to see her. You really didn’t know when the next time you’d get the chance to see her again would be, it’s been so long since the last time, partially due to schedule, partially due to nerves, and you were about to move across the country to Las Vegas for a new job. You figured it was now or never, and you really hoped you would get the chance to see her so you could get her out of your mind.

You knew you had to try. Try to talk to her, try to see her, try something. You couldn’t stand it anymore, constantly thinking about her, you needed closure, even if there wasn’t necessarily anything to get closure about. You still had to try. So even though you had grown up a lot in the past six years, you had learned to start a conversation instead of stuttering your way through when someone came up to you, gotten more friends, and most importantly gained confidence and figured out a pretty good idea of who you were. You were nowhere near as shy as you used to be, but still the mere idea of Kate brought back butterflies that made you feel like you were in high school again. Frankly, the feeling had to be classified as something stronger than butterflies. So obviously the idea of calling her went out the window for you, you figured she was so busy anyway that she probably wouldn't answer, and you told yourself that if she chose not to answer a text it would hurt less than not answering a call. And after a lot of thinking and rewriting, you finally sent her the text.

“Hey Kate, I heard you’re gonna be in town for the draft and I know you’re probably busy but I would love to see you. I just wanted to let you know that I’ve been keeping up with your games, I’m so proud of you, still your #1 fan, and can’t wait to see where you go. I’m gonna be at the draft rooting for you, just like I have been every step of the way even when I couldn’t physically be there. So if you wanna meet up after the draft or at any point while you’re in town let me know.”

Once you hit send you waited, and waited, and waited. Once it hit six hours with no response you figured you weren’t going to get one. Now that you had sent it, you realized that it was more nerve-wracking to sit and wait for the possibility of a response than to try and figure out what to say and hit send. Every possible reaction she could have had to your text was running through your head, well not every one, just every bad one. You didn’t know what she was thinking, or how she thought anymore, and that was terrifying to you. The nerves were so bad that to anyone watching you probably looked like a mess, flushed cheeks, sweaty, a little hunched over, and very clearly looking nauseous. But you were fine, it was no big deal.

You lied to yourself, it still hurt that you didn’t get an answer, but still decided to go to the draft anyway. Even if she didn’t want to see you, you still wanted to support her, figuring it was a big event and the chance of you seeing each other let alone talking were slim to none. You could go and didn’t have to talk if she didn’t want to. Plus you didn’t want to waste your money after you already bought the ticket and more than anything you wanted to support her, she was your first friend, your best friend, so far your most important friend, and now she's about to be a professional basketball player. You had to be there to see it come full circle, after spending the better part of ten years being able to count the number of her games you hadn’t seen on one hand, and saying you were her #1 fan, you just couldn’t miss it. Not for you, and certainly not for her.

By the time you had actually gotten to the draft and it started you were so focused on listening for Kate or her name, you couldn’t focus on anything else. You couldn’t hear anything that wasn’t related to her. You were confident that she was going to get drafted, but there was still a “what if” sitting in the back of your mind knowing your heart would break for her if she didn’t, maybe more than hers. Then you heard it, “With the 18th pick in the 2024 WNBA Draft, The Las Vegas Aces select Kate Martin, University of Iowa.” you were so focused on her getting on a team that you didn’t think of the city she might end up in. You wish you could hit rewind when you heard it, almost not believing it. She got drafted to the Las Vegas Aces, you would be in the same city for the first time in 6 years. There could be a chance of you guys actually happening. Of course, she still had to go through training camp and make the roster before she was officially on the team, but you have no doubt that that’s going to be the easy part compared to everything else that it took to get to that moment. Not to mention text you back. When you’re finally able to focus again, there have been a few more picks you decide to go on your phone and check Twitter to see what they are saying about the draft. What you didn't expect to see when you opened your phone, however, was a message from Kate.

🏀Kate 🏀

“Hey, sorry I didn’t see your message or get back to you earlier! I’m so happy that my #1 fan came to support me just like you have been all these years. It means the absolute world to me to know that you came here for me tonight because I wasn’t even sure I was gonna make it. I haven’t been on my phone like at all today, but I’d love if you’d come celebrate with me and my friends tonight? It only feels right that you’re there, you’ve been there for pretty much everything else already, you should be there to celebrate now too.”

When you read the text you could’ve sworn your stomach quite literally did flips, while a giddy feeling erupted through your body, even releasing a small, relieved, laugh. At this point, the last thing you were expecting was to get a response, at most expecting to go to a bar close to your apartment for a drink or two, if you were feeling frisky. But upon seeing her text, you decided “Why not?” and decided to respond.

“Yeah of course I’d love to celebrate with you and your friends!! You deserve it after all the hard work you put in to get here. Just send me the time and place and I’ll meet you there.”

You tried to keep your response short and sweet, not trying to read too much into what she said or trying to seem too eager. Although, you were quite excited to actually see her and have the opportunity to talk to her again. You figured it wasn’t guaranteed that you were even going to talk more than a simple greeting, let alone that she would want to talk about what happened the last time you spent any substantial amount of time together. Hell, you weren’t even sure you’d stay longer than half an hour. But before you could dwell on it too long, you got a response, with nothing more than an address and a time.

//

By the time you show up, which is 20 minutes late due to nerves alone, you are sure Kate had forgotten that she had even invited you. What you hadn’t expected was for everyone to automatically know who you were, greeting you excitedly. You thought at most one, maybe two people would vaguely know who you were, but you didn’t expect all of your friends to recognize you and know pretty much everything about you. Including things you were pretty sure you hadn’t told Kate when you would catch up.

But that’s exactly what happened, all of her teammates knew who you were, Jada, Gabbie, and Caitlin, even people she barely knew. Never in a million years did you think that she could possibly talk about you that much. You didn’t think there could possibly be that much for someone to talk about regarding you, let alone that anyone would want to, especially after 6 years of limited communication. Yet it warmed your heart, it made you happier than you had been in a long time, to know that she talked about you, that she cared about you enough to talk about you that much. Jada went as far as to say,

“We finally get to meet you after her nonstop talking about you for I don’t even know how long. We were starting to think Kate made you up,” before giving you a hug in greeting. You could tell from that alone that she was an absolute sweetheart.

new crush, high school love again

By the time you had been able to talk to Kate for any substantial amount of time, it was clear that you both had a few drinks. Neither one of you could help yourselves from embracing each other in a long overdue hug, slightly rocking as she lightly rubbed your back. You couldn’t help but feel like you belong there. You had always felt like you belonged when you were with Kate, fitting together like two puzzle pieces. Like you had wasted time not being there. You never wanted to leave her side again. You didn’t think you could stand it. At that moment, hugging each other again for the first time in you don’t know how long, you both felt like you were in high school again. You knew she still gave you butterflies, but in that moment you could have sworn you fell in love with her all over again.

“I’m so proud of you, I knew you could do it,” you whisper while pulling away from the all-too-long hug. Looking up at her, you were filled with an all-new type of butterfly, a bird maybe. Filled with a sense of joy knowing she was happy to see you, and a sense of contentment knowing that you were going to be in the same city again, for the first time in years. Knowing that you know each other, without really knowing each other. In a sense you know each other, you kept each other updated on the big things, relationships you were in when you talked, basic interests, but you didn’t know what really mattered. You didn’t know the little things, the day-to-day, the highs and the lows, and you missed that. You missed knowing the one thing that made her day unbearable, or the one thing that got her through the day. It was always you, to this day. But she wasn’t willing to tell you that yet. She loved you, and you her, and you both knew that, but you only knew that past tense.

“I couldn’t have done it without you,” she says into your ear sending a shiver down your spine. You had officially fallen even more in love with her than the last time you saw each other, and you barely talked yet. And just like no time had passed, able to see the change in your demeanor, she grabbed you by the hips before looking into your eyes.

“I’m serious y’know? I really wouldn’t be here without you. You made it all worth it,” she pauses, eyes briefly scanning the room. “Every time I felt like I couldn’t do it, you made sure to tell me that I could. You made it clear that you believed in me, but you weren’t ever gonna push me into something I didn’t want. Even when you weren’t there I still thought of you. Thought of what you would say, how you would make everything better. You got me here baby,” she finishes off. Her eyes found their way back to yours while she talked, the intensity of her gaze alone could melt you.

“Even though I wasn’t there I never missed a game. I watched every single one, even if it was just a recording. I'm still your #1 fan, and I can promise to never miss a game of yours in the WNBA now either. I’ll even be at all the home games,” you smile up at her looking to see if she caught onto your words. You can see her trying to figure out what you meant, her eyebrows scrunching up in confusion as she was thinking before a smile eventually broke out on her face.

“What? Are you moving to Vegas?” she asks, her volume growing with each word. She grabbed you by the shoulders before lightly shaking you in disbelief. As if trying to figure out whether or not this was really happening.

“Yeah, I got a job there and I’m moving at the beginning of May,” you say laughing at her clear excitement. To her it felt like she was about to burst, this is what you had been waiting for, this was a sign. It wasn’t planned and neither one of you had any idea it was going to happen, but you were going to be together again.

the rush of slumber party kissing

“I can’t believe it! Are you joking?” she asks looking down at you for any hint of a lie coming from you, but she found none, so she continued. “Like we’re actually going to live in the same city? This is amazing, I can’t believe it.” and then it slips out, she doesn’t mean to say it, but she does, “We could try. Like we could actually be together, for real-” By the time she realizes what she said she was looking at the floor and couldn’t bear to try and meet your gaze. After all, she basically just confessed that she was still in love with you after 6 years of barely seeing or talking to each other.

“Really? You’d want that?” you ask her, grabbing her face and lifting it to meet your eyes. You couldn’t believe she wanted you, after all this time she still wanted you. So you did something Kate never in a million years thought you would’ve done, you kissed her. She wasn’t sure where your confidence had come from whether it had been her basically admitting that she never moved on from you, or the drinks you had, or just simply you growing up and actually being more confident. But she couldn’t think about that now. Now she had you in her arms, for the first time in years. She had you in a way she thought she had missed out on because she waited. And in that moment she knew she wasn’t going to let you go ever again.

[takaraphoenix]

This is going to be a deeply personal post that I want to share because I hope it can also be somewhat inspirational and motivational for others.

I started a new job a month ago and I deeply love it. I mean, genuinely love it. Love the place, the people, the work. I'm happy going to work and I find joy in what I do and time passes startlingly fast at work because I'm enjoying it. Plus, I make good enough money (sure, it could always be more, but it's already more than my last job which is great).

I honestly didn't think that was a thing. Growing up, I always thought that work is that thing you force yourself through for the sake of money. The requirement. I thought it was crazy when people claimed they liked their work. But damn, I love my work.

When I finished high school, I had no idea what I wanted to do. Fourteen years ago. And it's been a longwided and bumpy journey, but it brought me to a place where I'm happy and where I can see myself working for the next thirty years.

Not knowing where you want to go, or how you could get there, is incredibly, overwhelmingly frustrating. But sometimes, you just have to keep going and figure it out along the way.

(The more long-winded journey under the cut.)

I had no idea what I wanted to do after high school, partially because my school never really prepared us for what comes after.

Our local university is large, and it intimidated me beyond belief when I was eighteen, there was just no way I could go there.

But there was a small, private art school around where I lived and everyone always kept saying turn your passion into your profession, right? So sure, why not. Let's go to art school.

Four years later, I had a Bachelor's degree in art and had also fully lost my passion for drawing. It had become a chore. So I knew that... that wouldn't work out for me. I needed to find something different.

I've always admired the teachers who could inspire others and make you feel welcome in their classes and I was pretty good at teaching others, so I figured, maybe I could become a teacher?

I first signed up for English and Philosophy (with the goal of teaching ethics). I made friends in the first semester in both classes, but I had to switch out of English after one semester - mostly because the teachers were actually insane. They prided themselves in failing at least 10% of first semesters and made the beginning unnecessarily hard and no... fun. I think learning should be fun.

So I switched from English to German and, ultimately, after five years, got my Bachelor's degree in German philology and Philosophy. During the high-time of Covid. My last two semesters were exclusively spent in remote zoom classes.

The thought of becoming a teacher - of being in a room with thirty students for ninety minutes, before class ends and the next thirty students file in for the next ninety minutes, in an endless circle of hell - absolutely terrified me. Heck, the thought of going back to classes to get my Master's degree to actually become a teacher was already mortifying.

So, once again, I stood there, without a plan, but with a useless BA.

I didn't know what I wanted to do, to be quite frank. I was running out of motivation to find something new, because it started to feel like I was truly just failing one thing after the other. I was 29 and had absolutely nothing to show but two Bachelor's degrees.

I became a temp, after a year of unemployment, working in an office in an insurance company. And I liked it alright. The work more or less, but the feeling. Oh, the feeling of working in a small team in an office absolutely delighted me!

I lost that job at the end of last year and went back to being unemployed for half a year. Until a friend of mine, who was working at our alma mater as a secretary, told me about how happy she was working for our university and how she had also started there because she had no prior work experience and none of the required qualifications. She also told me that our university has its own job hunting website and that they never put their job listings onto foreign sites.

I went looking the same day, applied to a job that I got a job interview for but that didn't entirely fit for me. A week later, I applied to another one - and it fit like a glove. I got a job interview before the application phase even ended, I was invited to spend a day observing the work and was supposed to give a yes/no on whether I want to move forward with the process the next day, which I did. All I expected in return was a thank you and to be told when I might hear back to them after they saw other applicants. Instead, I got the job that very day.

During every single step, I felt like I was failing. After my first Bachelor, that seemed useless. After giving up on getting my Master and having yet another useless Bachelor. When I lost the temp job.

But every single step in my journey was... necessary, to get me to where I am right now.

Because I wasn't ready for our big university when I was 18, I needed the small, private university that eased me into college life to have the courage to apply to our city's big university.

And the friend who told me about the job website? I met her in my one semester of English. Yes, even years later, even though we were only together in one class during that first semester, we are still friends. And if I hadn't attempted my second degree - if I hadn't started out with and failed out of English - I wouldn't have met her.

If I hadn't gone to this university, I wouldn't have been eager or able to find a job there.

And if I hadn't had the temp job, I wouldn't have discovered my passion for office work.

Who knows, maybe there is an alternate life where I get on the "right" track when I'm eighteen and end up happy too, but for the life I have now, things worked out well and they only did because of every single thing I had failed or changed out of.

Sometimes, you do need the failures to learn from them, to draw something from them that will help you find your way later.

[rorywritesjunk]

I can’t tell where the journey will end But I know where to start

Prequel to my Kid Buggy fic, set about 11-ish years before that story.

Buggy meets you by chance when he needs his buttons sewn back onto his jacket. He’s young, up and coming, and he thinks everyone should cower before him wherever he goes, but all you do is smile at him.

Rating: PG-13ish just for some swearing. Warning: Buggy’s in his early 20s. He’s an asshole. He just is because I wanted to write him loud, demanding, everything. Chapter warning has drinking, a drunk and all over the place Buggy, and Sunny just quietly being "what the fuck". Also it's Buggy's birthday. A/N: I have no idea when Buggy became a Captain, so he’s a fresh faced captain in this. No clue how long this fic will be. I actually have started rewriting it after chapter 5 because I realized I wanted to change some things up.

Title comes from “Wake Me Up” by Avicii.

TAGLIST: @lostfirefly @ane5e @kingofthemfingpirates @the-angriest-angel @tiredemomama @valen-yamyam16 @i-reblog-fics-i-like @plethora-of-fickleness @uhnanix

Chapter 1 + Chapter 2 + Chapter 3 + Chapter 4 + Chapter 5 + Chapter 6 + Chapter 7 + Chapter 8 + Chapter 9 + Chapter 10 + Chapter 11 + Chapter 12 + Chapter 13 + Chapter 14 + Chapter 15 + Chapter 16 + Chapter 17 + Chapter 18 + Epilogue

Chapter 6

“I think she’s heartbroken.” Benji said as he and Miss Pins watched you stumble around the shop, looking through stacks of fabric and spools of thread looking for your tailor’s chalk that was tucked up in behind your ear. You had been acting… odd since you told Buggy to leave the shop three weeks ago. You managed to sew a customer’s order to your lap, sewed cuffs inside out on another one, and just now you spent the last hour looking for the blue piece of tailor’s chalk that you tucked behind your ear. 

“Oh?” Miss Pins replied, head resting in her hand as she watched you look through the same stack of fabric again. “You’re a kid, how do you know about heartbreak?”

“I was in love with a girl and she broke my heart.” Benji told her as you finally found the chalk and set it on the table. “We were 12. She told me she wanted someone nicer, which was dumb. I am nice. I just voice my opinions.”

“Well, don’t get hung up on that young romance. Someone else will come around.” The old woman said as you started looking for your scissors next. They were in a cup in front of you along with other tools. “This is really sad. Did she like the idiot that much?”

“I think so.” Benji frowned. “I didn’t like him.”

“Neither did I.” Miss Pins sighed. “So of course Sunny would.”

“Why did she like him?” Benji asked. Miss Pins shrugged.

“She’s always been kind, ever since she showed up here all those years ago.” Your boss replied. “No matter who someone was or how awful they were, she would just be nice to them.”

You finally found the scissors and held them up triumphantly before pausing and staring down at your work. It took you so long to find the tailor’s chalk that you forgot why you needed it and the scissors. You were distracted, half expecting Buggy to come bursting into the shop any moment now with some silly little thing to fix on his jacket, but you were quite firm when you told him to leave that one day, so he must have taken it to heart. You weren’t going to see him again.

Was it fair you got upset because he couldn’t remember your name? But at the same time, the way he reacted was more hurtful. Something stupid like your name. It repeated in your head nonstop and you wished it wouldn’t. He was just so mean about it. Sure, he had been rude and a bit of an ass since you met him, but it was never mean. 

You remembered what you were working on. A customer wanted his jacket to have reinforced stitches in the sleeves but more room in the shoulders to allow him better movement when he used his sword. He had come into the shop and while you even thought he was handsome, you didn’t hide your disappointment that it wasn’t Buggy. Miss Pins gave the job to you and the man paid ahead of time, so you immediately started working. 

Maybe Buggy would show back up.

~

You had been fast asleep until you were woken up by someone yelling outside the shop. You heard your boss shouting from her bedroom window at whoever it was, but you got up to see what was going on. You heard her shout Dammit Buggy! So you headed downstairs to the shop and opened the door. 

Sure enough, Buggy was standing there, glaring upwards at Miss Pins’ window. He swayed where he stood, a bottle clutched in his hand before he raised it up.

“You’re loud too, Miss Pins!” He shot back before shrieking and jumping out of the way. Miss Pins had dumped a cup of water on him. “Hey!”

“Buggy?” You stepped out of the shop and closed the door behind you. His eyes lit up when he saw you and he had a big smile on his face. His face was flushed and he looked so happy to see you.

“Su-Sunny! You’re still here!” He slurred, grinning as he dropped the bottle and threw his arms around you, catching you off guard. “I thought maybe… maybe you left and never wanted to see me again!”

Oh, this was a happy and drunk Buggy. You could smell the alcohol on his breath as well coming off of his clothes. You wondered how much he had already. It was best to send him on his way, to not get involved, but you worried what sort of trouble he would get into if you left him alone, so you called up to your boss’s window that you’d be back later, you wanted to make sure he got back to his ship safely. You picked up the bottle and put your arm around his waist, keeping a firm hold on him to keep him from wandering off.

“‘S my birrrrthday!” He announced as he slung an arm over your shoulder, laughing loudly as you made your way down the road and toward the docks. “I’m… I’m two months… After you. I’m younger.”

“You definitely are.” You mused as you tightened your arm around him. He looked at you with a smirk.

“You’re touching me.” He lifted his arm to have another drink and realized he didn’t have his bottle. “Where-”

“I have it, Buggy.” You told him, holding it up to show him. “No more, okay?”

He looked grumpy until his hand popped off and grabbed it from you, bringing it back to himself. Smirking triumphantly, he raised the bottle to his lips and continued drinking. You weren’t opposed to drinking at all, but you also didn’t want to be around a drunk pirate right now. You wanted to be home and sleeping.

“Which one is your ship?” You asked when you came to the docks. He lowered the bottle and frowned as he looked at them before pointing to one furthest to the right. You hoped he was right as you walked with him to the ship, still keeping a hold on him. Once you dropped him off you’d head back home, but he turned to you with bright and excited eyes.

“Have a drink with me!” He pleaded. “It’s… it’s my birthday.”

“I know it’s your birthday, you told me.” You reminded him. “And I don’t want a drink, Buggy. I need to get home.”

“Please?” He asked as he stopped in his tracks. You kept your arm around him and looked over at him. The happy and bouncy Buggy was gone, replaced with someone different. He looked unsure of himself right then as he asked you, turning his gaze to his feet. You were going to regret this but you sighed and nodded.

“One drink.” You told him, and before you knew it, he was smiling again and taking hold of your hand, leading you up to his ship with his chest puffed out proudly, looking quite happy once more. You followed after him, shaking your head as he led you to what you figured was the captain’s quarters. One drink, that was it, then you’d head home.

He finally finished the bottle and tossed it aside before stumbling over to a cabinet for more. You took a seat on his bed, watching him as he rummaged around before pulling out two glasses and a bottle. He grinned at you, wagging his eyebrows as he brought you a glass and opened the bottle, but you took it from him.

“The birthday boy shouldn’t be pouring his own drink.” You told him as he plopped down beside you. You didn’t trust him to not spill it everywhere so you poured him a glass before your own, setting the bottle out of his immediate reach (which was silly because he could still grab it with his Devil Fruit powers). “Cheers, Buggy.”

He smiled brightly and let his head rest on your shoulder as he gripped his glass tightly. “You’re nice.” 

“I’ve been told that.” You chuckled. “Thanks.” 

“No, no, no, you’re so nice.” He continued gushing. “And… y’know, I’m gonna marry you. You’re so nice, Sunny, and I’m not married, y’know, so we should get married.”

You choked on your drink and set the glass aside, coughing a bit before clearing your throat. Oh, he was so drunk. You reached up to pat his cheek gently. “You’re not going to remember any of this tomorrow, so don’t propose marriage to me yet.”

He tossed his drink back before giving you his glass. You put it beside yours, not wanting to fill it back up. The moment your hand was free he took it in his own, entwining his fingers with yours as he continued his drunken rambles.

“We’ll get married, because you’re so nice to me, and I’ll be so happy.” He continued as he turned to look up at you. “I want to be happy with you, Sunny.”

“Buggy, I want you to be happy too.” You told him. “I don’t know if marrying someone will make you happy, however.”

“Is it because I was an asshole on your birthday? Is… is that why you won’t marry me?” Buggy asked with a frown. “I’m sorry… I’m sorry I was mean. I was an asshole. I like you a lot and got scared ‘cause I couldn’t remember your name, and you have a nice name, and I didn’t get you a present.” He suddenly dropped your hand and stood up, marching back over to his cabinet. “Wait, I wanna sh-show you somethin’!”

Oh, Drunk Buggy was just a bit everywhere. Happy, excited, emotional, and apologetic. It was kind of fun to see in a way. He rummaged through the cabinet before hurrying back over to you, tripping over his own feet before falling onto his bed beside you. He held up something and you took it. They were photographs of two young boys, one with a straw hat and red hair, and the other had to be Buggy going by the bright red nose and scowl. 

“That’s me,” He pointed to himself in the photo. “Wasn’t sure if you knew. And that’s Shanks. We… we were best friends on a ship together and then we weren’t.” He frowned. “Haven’t been for a few years.” He sat up on the bed and leaned into you again. “You’re really nice.”

“Thank you for apologizing for my birthday, Buggy.” You told him as you looked through the photos. There weren't many, and they were old, showing their age in their wrinkles and fading color. Buggy certainly was a cute little kid. “I’m sorry I was rude to you.”

He straightened up and put both of his hands on your cheeks, turning your head so you faced him. He glared at you and you wondered what was about to happen, but his gaze suddenly softened and he looked down at his lap, his hands still on your cheeks. “Don’t you ever apologize because you’re perfect and have done nothing wrong ever.”

You put both of your hands on his and moved them off your face. “Buggy, I think you need to go to bed.”

He turned red suddenly and pulled away from you, looking down at his lap as you got to your feet and removed his hat, setting it down on a nearby trunk. You noticed he went quiet but decided not to say anything as you looked for some kind of sleep clothes for him, or did he just sleep in his everyday clothes? When you looked back over at him he was struggling to remove his shirt. You sighed and went to help him get free of it. When you saw his face again, he looked away once more.

“What’s wrong?” You asked as you knelt in front of him to help take his boots off. You didn’t trust him to do it himself, afraid he’d topple over and hit his head. 

“I never… with… with anyone before.” He mumbled as he gestured between the two of you. For a solid minute you stared at him as you tried to process what he was thinking, and when it hit you, your face burned as you set his boots aside. “So um…”

“Neither have I, Buggy, but that’s not what I said.” You told him firmly. “I told you it’s time for bed. For you, not me. You need to get some sleep.”

“Canyoustaythenight?” He blurted out. “Please? I don’t… want to be alone.”

You stared at him for a moment, trying to wrap your mind around this. You didn’t intend for any of this to happen. You were just going to bring him home before going back to your place to crawl into your bed, but he managed to get you to stay for a drink (that you didn’t finish) and now he wanted you to spend the night. 

He was looking at you like you were the only thing that mattered in his world right then. It was a little hard to say no, but you did want to make sure he would be okay, so you removed your own shoes before putting your hands on your hips. “Where are your pajamas?”

He shrugged as he fell back on his bed, stretching out across it. His entire body separated for a moment before snapping back together and honestly, it was momentarily horrifying to see it all happen at once. You needed him to explain this but not when he was drunk. You sighed and nudged him to get under the blankets, which he did, watching you once more with bright, excited eyes as you got into bed beside him. Almost immediately he wrapped himself around you, resting his head against your chest as he closed his eyes and sighed happily. 

“So nice, so soft, warm.” He mumbled quietly. You took the chance to remove his bandana, pleasantly surprised to see how long his hair was. Why did he keep it all hidden? You ran your fingers through it as he made himself comfortable against you. “I don’t wanna be away from you again, please, ‘msorry.”

“Get some sleep, Buggy.” You told him as you pressed a kiss to the top of his head. “Okay? No more talking.”

“Imma marry you.” He sighed. You rolled your eyes and wondered what you needed to expect the next morning.

[barbieaiden]

1. Kell: Dude. You're no fun to play with, you're too good.

Aiden: Kell, I love you, but I think you just suck at the game.

Kell: Dude! I always won against my siblings!

Aiden: Aww. I always let my brother win too when we were little.

Kell: You're cheating.

Aiden: I would never. I take these things very seriously.

2. Kell: By the way, you know that guy I went on a date with before your coma?

Aiden: Yeah?

Kell: Yeah, we were supposed to go on another date literally the day you got into the coma, so obviously I was like "dude, I can't make it, my friend is having a literal medical emergency", and he was like "okay, I'll just break this off here then, bye".

Aiden: Oh nooo. Did I cockblock you with my coma?

Kell: You literally did!

3. Aiden: I'll make it up to you. I'll wingman you so hard. I'll introduce you to literally everyone I know.

Kell: Isn't that, like, the entirety of River Bay?

Aiden: Almost, yeah. So you're bound to find someone.

Kell: Dude, you did not win again.

Aiden: You practically let me.

Kell: Dude!

Peyton: Is now a bad time to say hi?

4. Aiden: Peyton! NO, of course not. I didn't even know you were here, it's been so long!

5. Peyton: Yeah, I seem to recall being ignored for a month?

Aiden: Sorry about that. I was sleeping.

Peyton: For a month?

Aiden: Doctor's orders.

Peyton: Ah, of course. Totally reasonable.

6. Aiden: But don't worry. I'm back in my element.

Peyton: Do I want to know what that means?

Aiden: It means I'm ready to annoy the fuck out of you and text you every millisecond 24/7.

Peyton: Okay, I can get behind that.

7. Peyton: how are you doing?

Aiden: Great.

Peyton: "Great"? Really?

Aiden: So great. How are you? Are you still working at the mall?

Peyton: I quit impulsively a few weeks ago. I should probably get a new job if I want to be able to pay rent, but, eh. Video games are more fun.

Kell: If you're evicted you can move into Sam and Aiden's closet, I hear it's pretty empty nowadays.

Aiden: Totally.

8. Kell: Peyton, you're good at connect 4, right?

Peyton: I'd say so.

Kell: Help me win. Please.

Aiden: Who's cheating now?

Kell: There's no rule that says you can't have someone help you.

Peyton: Don't put it there. One step right.

Kell: Here?

Peyton: Yeah.

9. Aiden: Peyton, I love you so much.

Kell: Dude. Did you just make me lose?

Peyton: [Shrug]

Kell: Fuck you. Both of you.

[New scene]

10.

Sam: You met Aiden right after the car crash.

Jordan: Yes.

Sam: How bad was it? He never told me.

Jordan: Considering the crash, his injuries were very mild.

Sam: But he could've died.

Jordan: He didn't. And I don't think you need to worry about something that happened six years ago.

Sam: No, I just...

Jordan: Just what?

Sam: I don't know.

11. Sam: I hated Aiden when we first met.

Jordan: According to Kell's accounts you were simultaneously in love with him?

Sam: Attracted to. There's a difference.

Jordan: Not to me.

Sam: And how many successful relationships have you had?

Jordan: Well... I've certainly had relationships, I can tell you that much.

12. Sam: Don't you get tired of talking to new people all the time? How do you even find so many people you're interested in? I did it once and now I'm marrying him so I never have to do it again.

Jordan: It's easy if you're drunk and have very, very low standards. It also helps if you're fresh off a 13 hour shift at a hospital.

Sam: That sounds awful.

Jordan: I don't necessarily recommend it.

13. Sam: But you keep doing it.

Jordan: I suppose I have nothing better to do after those 13 hour shifts.

Sam: I'm so glad I dropped out of med school.

Jordan: You should be.

14. Sam: I'm just going to get some water.

Jordan: Okay.

15. Lucas: No, I had to do it because Michael thought it was "rude".

Michael: It was.

Lucas: If I pay for something, I want what I paid for. That's not rude. If I fuck someone's tattoo up I'd fix it.

Michael: You can't compare a meal to something that's permanently on someone's body.

Lucas: You agree with me.

Peyton: Oh, yeah.

Lucas: Exactly!

16. Peyton: Hey, Sam. How are you doing? Sleeping better?

Sam: A little.

Peyton: So... while you're here... Aiden.

Sam: Yes?

17. Peyton: He's acting... suspiciously normal, isn't he?

Lucas: Right? I literally told Michael the same thing ten minutes ago. This is the way Aiden always acts after medical emergencies, he just pretends everything's fine.

18. Sam: It's been a month. Things have gone back to normal, he's not pretending.

Lucas: No, sorry, no offense, Sam, but I don't think you get it. You weren't there all the other times he had to go to the hospital because of drugs--and that shouldn't be plural, by the way--this happens every time.

19. Lucas: He says he's fine and that he's clean now and then he just waits until people stop asking him about it and we're back at square one.

Sam: This was different though.

Lucas: Just because it was worse and because he maybe went through a tiny little bit of withdrawal while unconscious doesn't mean he's magically better.

Michael: Lucas, please.

20. Michael: You yourself said that there's nothing we can do.

Lucas: Well, we can't exactly force him to do anything but there's a difference between overcaring and pushing him away, and being so passive it turns into enabling.

Michael: I agree, but I don't think that has anything to do with Sam.

Lucas: I didn't say it does.

21. Lucas: I just don't want him dead, that's all.

Peyton: I seriously doubt any of us want him dead.

Lucas: Exactly. So we can't just trust that he's better because he says he is.

Sam: That's not what--[Sigh] I don't think it's fair to talk about this behind his back.

22. Lucas: I'd love to discuss this with him directly but he makes it pretty difficult. There's a reason he didn't want to talk to us for a fucking month.

Sam: Maybe it wasn't deliberate. Maybe he was just recovering from a coma.

Lucas: But he was talking to literally everyone else during that time, wasn't he? It's not a coincidence he ignored me, Michael, and Peyton specifically.

23. Sam: I... I don't know his motivation. And either way I don't want to be involved in this.

Peyton: That's fair. I didn't really mean for this to be a whole discussion.

Lucas: Sorry. Look, my point is just... if he's clean, that's fucking great. But I kind of doubt it. Just... keep an eye on him.

Sam: I always am.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for demanding my extended family do more to help care for my grandmother?

Demand may not be the right word but I’ll let you decide.

So some info and context before I get into it. My grandmother is 90 and was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer in March. She was given 6-10 months to live. I have one sibling and 6 cousins. My grandmother has 3 living children. I am the youngest (23) the other grandchildren range in age from 27-41. My father and I live close to her and my uncle and his two children live like an hour away. Everyone else is roughly 1800 miles away. My uncle and cousins that live an hour away never spend time with her. She sees them like twice a year. They will not pick up their phones when she calls. They have lied to her in the past saying that events were canceled when they were not because they didn’t want her there. Every single time in the past 4 years that I ask them to do literally anything for her they tell if it’s that important I can do it myself. In 2019 my grandfather died so I quit my job and moved in with my grandmother so she wouldn’t be alone. I planned his funeral and did everything I could to help her. I moved out at the end of 2021 because my dad moved in and I can’t live with him. I go to her house at least 5 days a week to help because my dad does very little for her. I am disabled and I have had major struggles due to that. I am the closest to my grandmother because of living with her and taking care of her. However I did not have a good relationship with her until I was 19. My dad is her least favorite child (I’m not exaggerating she literally says this) and she hated my mom and treated her like crap until 2 years ago. She does not treat anyone else like this. She adores my aunt and uncle and thinks their children are perfect and has always had good relationships with them.

Now that you have some more context here’s the situation. I applied for an out of state job in January and got an offer that I accepted the week before my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer. I was supposed to move at the end of May but I moved it until the end July so I would be able to get her situated but that’s the absolute latest I can put it off for. I’m finally at a point that my health is stable enough that I can start actually building my own life. This is an extremely good opportunity that I’ll probably never get again if I pass it up. I’ve been struggling trying to find time to get all my stuff taken care because I do so much over there. My dad and aunt have now taken to saying I’m being selfish for moving. They say I’m the closest and everyone else has a life (job, relationships, kids etc.) so it’s unfair for me to leave her alone when no one else can help. They also said that I’m going to regret not helping or spending time with her. This is when I started getting really pissed. I told them I have been taking care of and spending time with her for the past 3 years. Her other son that lives 40 miles away can help he’s just choosing not to. I told them that they need to figure their shit out on their own. I said that there’s 3 kids and 8 grandkids and I’m the youngest but someone how I’m expected to do the most and I’m not allowed to have a life but everyone else is. They threw in my face that I’m disabled so any life I try to build for myself will fall apart anyway so it’s not the same as my cousins who can maintain it. They kept saying that everyone is so much farther and I’m being unreasonable. I lost it at this point and pointed out that there’s 3 other people who can be here easily that need to start caring because she’s literally dying. Why would you not spend time with someone you know is dying. Also my cousins that live far are all capable of making a trip her to see her and help for a week or so. They all have very well paying jobs, own at least one home and take 3-6 vacations a year. They have the money and time. They can skip a cruise or trip to see their dying grandmother. This is when I found one of them has been in this state fairly close 4 or 5 times to see a friend and will not tell my grandmother because he doesn’t want to “waste his time off” spending time with her. I told my aunt and dad that they have to figure this shit out on their own because I’m absolutely not giving up this huge opportunity when there is 10 other people that refuse to do shit. My grandmother does not want me to give up this job and stay here. She wants me to go so she can see at least some of life I’m trying to build. My mom is backing me up and saying they need to do more instead of putting it all on me. Everyone else in the family is saying I’m a selfish asshole that needs to suck it up and do what I’m supposed to instead of expecting them to drop everything.

So am I the asshole here???

What are these acronyms?

[eris-snow]

𝐏𝐥𝐚𝐲 𝐏𝐫𝐞𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐝

Tags: bakugou x fem!reader, they don't get together at the end, angst, undercover

"Hero/n, Dynamight, your job is to infiltrate tonight's gathering as newlyweds find evidence of his crimes, and apprehend him swiftly." Oh, no.

The door to the limousine opens.

You take one step in, see a flash of blond hair, crimson red eyes and a surprised scowl before you backtrack 5 steps away.

"You've got to be kidding me."

Bakugou scoffs, folding his arms. "Fucking nice to see you too, Shortie."

"Get in, Hero/n. Lives are at stake." Aizawa says glaring at you from the shotgun seat.

Grudgingly, you took your seat beside the blond, dipping your head gracefully as you slammed the door shut. "I thought you were in America this weekend." You mumble, fidgeting with your dress's helm. "For that Top 10 Hero gala thing."

"That's what everyone else thinks." He mutters, facing the window on his side. "Thought you'd be able to distinguish real from fake news, Y/n. Quit fucking around."

Your hands clench into fists as the car starts to move. "Couldn't help but hope." You reply through gritted teeth.

Bakugou and you had broken up nearly 3 years ago, and you'd never expected to see him like this. No, not when you were on an undercover mission to potentially die.

Being trapped with Bakugou in a single car is going to kill you much faster.

"Eraser, why is he here?" You hiss, glaring at the underground hero. "I thought you were gonna pick someone who was part of the agency. Not the flashiest, most wanted hero on this goddamn planet!"

Bakugou glares at you with those piercing eyes. "Look if I knew I'd be working with you for this assignment, I'd never have taken the job either, okay?"

Bakugou hasn't seen you in years. Yes, he knew that you were somewhere on the planet, kicking ass, but with his life-long goal of claiming the title of the Number 1 Hero, your hidden disappearance and the area you'd chosen to specialise in, it was almost too easy to let himself get buried in work to distract himself from you.

But here you are.

After being over several miles away from you, the both of you were now only inches apart.

"Shut up, both of you." Eraserhead snapped. "I assumed you've read the file, but I'll reiterate it for you as a reminder. The murderer, Kage Tanuki has escaped America's security and fled to Japan to flee his death sentence. His quirk, as you might be familiar with is called Truth. It allows anyone he comes into skin contact with to believe anything he tells them to. Your job is to infiltrate tonight's gathering as newlyweds-"

"Oh my fucking god,"

"-find evidence of his crimes, and apprehend him swiftly." Aizawa notices you staring at Bakugou unblinkingly and reads your mind.

"Hatsume has designed Bakugou a gadget that prevents anyone from recognising him as the Number 2 Hero, but it's tailored to only his body. That's why we still had you wear contacts and go in with a disguise."

Eye contacts. No wonder your eyes look weird. You still look great, beautiful like a rose, but he misses the old you under those layers of makeup.

A rose still has thorns, though.

Aizawa's strong stare from the rear-view mirror has the both of you sitting up straighter. "Hero/n, you are undeniably the best in the underground heroes' department. Dynamight, you have talent and skills that allow you to adapt quickly. I expect this mission to be conducted with nothing but utmost professionalism. Understood?"

There's a beat of silence before you utter words back to your teacher, "You still haven't told me why he's gone and replaced Monoma."

Bakugou does a double take, finally whipping his head to face you.

"I replaced Copying Bastard?"

You rolled your eyes, looking up to meet his. "Yeah. He was supposed to be my partner this evening if he hadn't gotten himself nearly killed in his last assignment."

Eraser sighs. "The both of you have had a prior relationship. Agency's said that they wanted it to look more natural. Not to mention Monoma's untimely injuries had us scrambling to find a suitable replacement. Thanks to Bakugou's swift response, we managed to change the documents in time before the fiasco got noticed."

"THAT'S PRECISELY WHY YOU SHOULD HAVE SOMEONE ELSE TAKE THE DAMN JOB," Bakugou booms, slumping down in his seat with a groan.

Aizawa raises a quizzical eyebrow, before his eyes narrow. "What did I say about professionalism?"

"Fine," You spit out, as the car pulls over into a beautiful mansion. "We'll do the damn job. But I want compensation for the lack of communication on my end."

Aizawa smiles cryptically, "Don't worry, I'm sure the agency will plan many compensations once they know how badly they fucked this up."

--

It's almost comical how awkward Bakugou feels about you. His arm is looped around your waist intimately, firmly pressed against your body as a sign of protection even though he knows you don't need it. Your body is relaxed, eyes soft and sparkling prettily at him with a warm smile he hasn't seen in years.

It's only when he touches your back that he can feel the rigid tension you keep hidden as you beam at the doorman, who identifies you two with a nod of his head. "Ah, yes! The newlyweds, correct?"

You don't even flinch.

Fucking shapeshifter.

The party inside is loud and jarring, making Bakugou curse internally because he doesn't like the noise. He never did fancy parties. He lets you do the talking, the socialising, the mingling. It's almost too easy to fall back into this routine of your broken relationship.

The arm around your waist.

The glare he shoots people when they start to get too overbearing.

God, he wants you back.

"I might need to head to the toilet soon," You sigh, smiling up at him as you place a delicate hand on his bicep. Bakugou knows you too well to know what that actually means.

We should slip away soon.

"Of course, love," He responded, affirming your decision. That sleazy murderer had barely given you two a glance. It would be easier anyway to raid his house for evidence-

"Ah, the Bakugous," A voice interrupts his thoughts, and immediately he feels you straighten up to greet whoever strikes up a conversation with you. "Tanuki!" You greet, "Thank you so much for inviting us here."

Bingo.

"It's wonderful to see the both of you here tonight." He has the nerve to grin, a borderline deranged smile of a serial killer in disguise. Tanuki trains his beady eyes on the blond, "Your wife is absolutely stunning, I must say. You've picked a good one."

If that line hadn't ruffled your feathers, it sure got Bakugou to hate this guy even more. "Yeah? Well, this one's mine." He replies reflexively, tightening his arm around you. "Mind showing us the way to the washrooms? I'd like to freshen up in time for your closing speech."

He feels a surprised grip from your arm as he hides his smug smile. Yeah, fuck you and your pretty dress and makeup, he read the damn file. Just cause he doesn't do undercover missions doesn't mean he can't act.

He's the best at everything.

Tanuki nods his head, mindlessly waving his glass in a vague direction. "Of course. Just go up the stairs and open the 3rd door on your left. Don't be long now!"

You thank him again (while Bakugou does not) as the both of you walk in the direction he pointed you to. "Laying it on thick, huh," You say under your breath as you walk up the stairs together. "Thanks for getting us out of there."

Instantly, heat floods his cheeks as he replays what he had said earlier. Oh, God. The minute you reach the second floor and ensure nobody was there, you finally unlatch yourself from Bakugou's arm, eyes averted and cheeks pinked.

Oh, right. This is just pretend.

Bakugou swallows thickly, averting his eyes. He already misses the fact that you aren't by his side. "Let's find his office."

You find his workroom with ease thanks to the blueprint that was provided by your agency. Unfortunately for you though, it's locked by a card reader. "Let me have a go, I'll blast it open," Bakugou grunts, but one raised eyebrow from you has him backtracking his steps. "What?" He gruffs.

"Your quirk could set something on fire." You explained. "Just imagine what would happen if you end up blowing this entire place up. There're people downstairs too."

"Well then what do you suppose?" he bites back.

You roll your eyes, the soft, accommodating skin you wore downstairs already shredded and discarded. "By using this," you reach into a secret pocket in your dress, pulling out a slim keycard with a sly grin.

Bakugou almost gaps at you. "You shrewd pickpocketer,"

"Sticky fingers," You hum, swiping it across the keypad and swinging the door open with ease.

You're both greeted with the sight of files scattered across the mahogany table, warm, luxurious curtains, and a bookshelf stuffed full of documents. "Jackpot," Bakugou whispers. Stepping into the room, you take one of the files and scan it with widened eyes. "He's forging these files to make his victims' deaths look like an accident."

Bakugou's eyes narrow as he peers over your shoulder. You point at the dates and other parts of a paragraph. "He's making sure nobody knows that there's a connection between him and these esteemed people, that's why there hasn't been enough evidence of him so far!"

"Well, then we have what we need, then!" Bakugou says, gathering the files on the table and holding them close to his chest. "Let's get the hell out of here before anyone finds us-"

As quick as the wind, you lunge at Bakugou and pull him down to hide under the table. Scowling, Bakugou's confusion starts to dissipate in anger, "Oi, what are you-"

"Shh!"

Your hearing must be better than his, because it's only now that he can hear footsteps clambering towards the room.

"Shit," A voice says, slicing through the silence.

Tanuki.

"Someone's been in my office."

The both of you glance at each other, reaching the same realisation at the same time. He looks at you, and you look at him.

And then, you grin.

Bakugou knows what that smirk means.

It's go time.

Shooting to his feet, he held his hands in front of his face with an unhinged grin plastered over his face. "Surprise, Tanuki."

The fight doesn't take long, even though his Quirk was one that was annoying to get around. Then again, the both of you are in sync, the fighting almost looking as if you were dancing around your opponent without even uttering a word. You apprehended him in under 10 minutes.

"We've arrested the murderer." You say, voice strong and authoritative. "We're coming to the meeting spot."

And just like that, it's all over.

Part of him wishes that you could have just kept on going, playing along with the charade and believe that he still has you. But he doesn't.

This is real life and when he goes home that day, he remembers to catalogue every fucking memory in his mind because that was probably going to be the last time he would get to hold you like that.

What he doesn't know is that you too are thinking about everything too, kicking yourself over and over at the feelings that had resurfaced for him. The sensation of just having him hold you tight and feel protected is a feeling you'd buried under layers of suppression.

Sure, Monoma has pretended to be your boyfriend multiple times before, but it's never felt like this. No, when Bakugou did it, there was a spark of warmth that blossomed inside your heart, as if everything was authentic.

If only the night had gone longer, if only you could have talked to him properly.

If only you could just keep...

Playing pretend.

[m7z]

In memoriam

I spent the last 30 minutes or so skimming through my Tumblr archive from 2011-2012 trying to find a post I know I wrote about my paternal grandparents’ love story, but I couldn’t find it. I probably moved it to another blog at some point and deleted it here. Along the way though I found all these other memories from my early 20s, such as my coming out/confession letter to a best friend from high school, many reblogs of sappy quotes/graphics/book snippets/lyrics, reblogs of photos of places I wanted to visit (many of which I’ve now been to), songs I liked, tech news from the era (like the death of Steve Jobs), political news from the era (like marriage equality, and Barack Obama’s reelection), many reblogs about Glee, my own photos from my early days of living in San Francisco (and interning at Twitter)… All of which is to say, it captured this whole era of my life from ~10 years ago that, in retrospect, was quite pivotal.

The reason I went looking for that post is because I found out yesterday that my grandpa passed away. My dad texted me and tried to call when I was in the middle of a work meeting. I registered the text but didn’t respond, and then called back after. It was the middle of the night in China at the time (around 2am), and he learned the news earlier when my aunt had called him, and she’d been notified by the staff at the seniors home where my grandpa had been living.

As I processed the news and decided on my plans, I told people the context that he had suffered a series of strokes and had been on the decline since last summer, so this news didn’t come as a shock. This is in contrast to my paternal grandma’s passing in January 2022 (also January) from a heart attack which was sudden, quick, and utterly shocking. As the matriarch of our family, her death had hit everyone really hard then.

At his passing, my grandpa was in his late 80s, possibly 87 or 88. Which is objectively quite a remarkable achievement for someone born into the chaos of 1930s war torn China to a poor rural/farming family. He joined the communist army as an accountant/admin, and then the local police after the war, and then worked at the state hemp/cotton company until retirement. He and my grandma met in their 20s, fell in love and got married despite oppositions (this is the story I had posted about that I was looking for), had 2 kids and 2 grandkids (one of which is me), traveled, had health issues and took care of each other, and grew old together.

I realized yesterday that I wasn’t reacting as emotionally as I did to my grandma’s passing — one because he’d been on the decline, and my dad/aunt thought he almost wasn’t going to make it after his last severe stroke in July. I think I had emotionally prepared for this back then, and so expected this to happen at some point. The other reason is that his quality of life in this last year, after these strokes, had become quite poor. He couldn’t eat or talk or walk, and had become reduced to almost just skin and bones. It had become painful to see him in this state, and I’m glad he’s not suffering anymore.

However, at the same time I still feel sad and regretful because I was hoping to see him at least one more time. Even though he hasn’t been able to speak since July, and he didn’t really recognize anyone anymore… even so, I was hoping he'd hang on until I visited again.

When my grandma passed in 2022, the pandemic, travel restrictions, and lack of flight options had made it virtually impossible to travel back. The last time I visited China was October 2019. Since then, in the last few years when we called, they’d almost always ask when I can go back again. My grandpa did this all the way up until his last stroke in July when he couldn’t speak anymore. When the pandemic largely ended in 2022, I’d always say “soon”, even knowing it was impractical with the Chinese government's onerous visa policies. When they finally reinstated the pre-pandemic visitor visa policies in March 2023, I started to say that I'll go back during the summer, then the fall, then the winter, then the spring. One reason is that the flight options were both expensive and inconvenient, but the larger reason is that I prioritized other plans in my life. I'm not sure where I could've squeezed it in, but I do regret that I didn’t try harder to visit sooner.

Circling back on the whole “eras of my life” thread — I always felt like as long as my grandparents were around, I still feel like a kid in some way. They treated me like one, still babied me whenever I visited or called, and would remind me of funny anecdotes from my childhood. I know I’m pretty lucky to have gotten 30+ years with almost all 4 grandparents in my life. I also know I’m lucky that they loved me as much as they did — because not all of my friends had the kind of close relationships I did/do with their grandparents.

Growing up, I was always pretty close to my grandparents, more so to my grandma who I genuinely enjoyed talking to and would call regularly, but I have many fond memories with my grandpa too.

I recall when my family first immigrated to Canada, I would cry about missing them. Later when I went back to visit as a teenager, I would cry on the flight back to Canada.

My grandpa liked to write simple rhyming poems after he retired, liked to drink and smoke and only quit in his 60s, and liked to sing Chinese opera. One year for my birthday, he wrote a “hidden message” poem where the first word of each verse added together would say “happy birthday <my Chinese name>”.

One really special memory of him I have is when I was in kindergarten, and during afternoon nap time (which I hated) he showed up unexpectedly and took me out of school. We didn’t live in the same city but he was in my city for a work trip, and he’d decided to take me out of kindergarten early that day so we could spend time together. I remember it feeling so unexpectedly awesome — one because I was doing something I wasn’t supposed to (skip school) but also because of the surprise visit itself.

The only time I felt emotional yesterday was when my mom told me how, even though I won’t be able to attend the funeral, I could pay my respects at both of my grandparents’ gravesites when I visit. The thought made me emotional because… they can finally be reunited again, or at least not be separated by death.

Didn’t really know what I was going to write when I started this, and the words kept pouring out, but I’m glad I did.

[ms-camucia]

School rant, sorry its kinda rambly. TW for school shootings, bomb threats, the whole Apalachee High situation.

Nothing like last week's news to make me so, so glad I’m not in a classroom anymore.

I taught in Georgia and South Carolina for 13 years. Even did an observation at Apalachee during grad school, since it was a relatively quick drive from Athens/UGA - you know, back in the distant past of 15 years ago when teacher training had actual rigor and requirements in this part of the country. I even taught at the psychoeducational alternative school that Barrow county bussed their most extreme EBD kids to. So yeah, this hit close to home for me.

My financial situation basically changed overnight last year, when Dr. Mr. Camucia finally finished his fellowship and became a full-fledged attending. This let me quit my job right in time for South Carolina to implement its policy where teachers would have to submit every. single. thing. that would be used throughout the year. Every book, website, lesson plan, PowerPoint - all would have to be submitted within the first two weeks for administration to approve, and parents would have the right to veto or challenge anything they want. You know, in addition to the million other things teachers already do, and crap I had to do handling the yearbook.

(You can only imagine what a policy like this would be like for me, teaching a class called Media Art where both teaching Photoshop and media literacy/criticism were in my standards 🙃)

But things, particularly where I was teaching, were already Bad. And, in fact, getting Worse. This was a school where we already had an entire year of bomb threats well before Covid (including one with an actual failed bomb! My fanfic Footnotes was borne of the insanity of that year!) - that basically showed the exact protocol of what happens when something like this happens at a school. We did all the things everyone claims would stop this sort of thing -

-They added metal detectors (which basically flagged almost everyone, causing 1st period to basically lose 20 minutes a day since so many kids had to get wanded down every morning). They gave up on those after about a week.

-They added more cops, more cameras, sealed off more doors, did all the things, but the bomb threats, kids bringing in weapons, etc. just kept happening.

-They even (years later) added a security system very similar to the one at Apalachee - except, oh, wait - my classroom, and like six others were just… not hooked up to the system. They took my old school panic button, said they’d fix it "later" and give me one of them fancy lanyards with the panic switch, and that just never happened. Three of the classrooms didn’t even have the fire alarm work for their room! They straight up missed fire drills!

My last year there, there was a huge fight in the cafeteria. Like the kind that makes the news, not the kind that happen almost every day that just get posted to tiktok or whatever (I was on bus line afternoon duty, and frequently had kids compliment me on how bored I’d look breaking up those kinds of fights).

But this was a 10 or so person brawl that ended up with multiple student injuries, blood all over the floor, a whole school lockdown, and a teacher breaking their leg trying to hold back the crowd watching/recording/cheering it on. I taught two of the main participants - they were suspended, then "expelled," then mysteriously just showed back up a month later after some sort of appeal to the board of ed. I was told to let them make up any work they missed during their month off, which they both referred to like it was a vacation (would it surprise anyone to know these were football players?).

This isn’t isolated. Ask almost any teacher and they’ll have multiple accounts of kids just… not facing consequences when they get written up, or not caring about parent calls (because the parent doesn’t care either), or seeing ISS and OSS as vacations since they just get to sleep and play with their phones. I don’t think people who haven’t been in a school realize just what it’s like now. And I don’t know what the environment was like at Apalachee, but I know that the facility where the most troubled kids for that specific part of Georgia was shut down last year - I know this because I worked there.

Apparently all of the GNETS (Georgia Network of Educational and Therapeutic and Support) schools in Georgia were shut down last year for having these kids not mainstreamed enough. I can say from having worked there as an art teacher that the system was not perfect, but that these kids did not belong in a mainstream classroom. I was stabbed, kicked, spat on, had literal shit thrown at me - and I was one of the better liked teachers! But at least there were smaller class sizes and much better ratios of social workers and psychologists working with the kids and their families. We had access to resources that regular public schools are just stretched too thin to pursue, things like getting families off the street, clothes and food for students' whole families, etc. So these kids were just sent back to their home schools for their presumably already overwhelmed regular Special Ed departments to deal with.

Apparently in Barrow County, where Apalachee is, all of the kids who were at the alternative school are sent to just one school per level, plus taking on additional kids from other, smaller counties in the area. I’m sure caseload numbers went way up, and the behaviors being dealt with got a whole lot more extreme in just one semester.

This kid should have had so many red flags. There already were, according to the FBI! But as far as schools, there should have been a dozen counselors, administrators, etc. who had worked on a fat ol BIP (behavior intervention plan) about this kid that every teacher got before he even stepped foot into their classroom. It’s not uncommon to get kids where you know for a damn fact you’re not supposed to let them go to the bathroom unaccompanied, or have to check in with guidance every morning, or who have to get their backpack searched every morning (or aren’t allowed to have a backpack at all! I had a few of those!). But that apparently just… didn’t happen.

So, yeah. Every part of this whole situation has just made my skin crawl. Those kids and those teachers should be alive. Those kids who got shot and will be traumatized for life should have never had that happen to them. The cult of gun worship in this country is sickening, and the more we gut public education, the more teachers will just throw their hands up and give up like I did - this isn’t going to get better without drastic, dramatic change. And I really just don’t see it happening in this country.

I miss teaching. I miss my kids. I was, by all accounts, pretty damn good at it. But with things the way they are, and the sheer insane number of things we expect teachers to be able to do while also blaming them for everything, I'm not going back.

[rgbcn]

Heyy

I love ur work I rlly do

One thing I want to know is that what made u think to start posting ur fanfics or ur art both of them are awesome..

Also I wanted to ask are there any authors u suggest and um some1 maybe who has little audience and deserves their work to he shown I support new writers..

Thank you so much! It makes me happy to know you enjoy my work!

To be honest all started when I discovered fanfiction existed, I didn't know that was a thing, I had 35 years old and was the first time I heard about fanfics. I started reading, became obsessed, created a tumblr account, the fandom was so active, so alive!!! Everyone was contributing, reacting, it was so wonderful, I felt I also wanted to contribute somehow, and I did a drawing here, another there, people freaked out, even if I cringe with my old fanart now, and everything went too fast, I had so much fun that I started drawing almost daily and posting here, IG etc. that was 2015. I remember my first drawing posted here was a Mayim portrait I did because I needed to calm down because my father in law was in the hospital for a heart attack (he is fine now), and that calmed me, drawing, I was like in a 10 years pause of drawing anything, when it was a passion I had before. So everything scaled from there. People requested me drawings, I enjoyed drawing for fanfic authors. Some people took advantage of me tho... but aside of that it was super fun. Also we got the Shamy break up so the fandom was exploding with everything! I remember working 9-5 job, going to training (I was in a roller skating team that competed internationally) and finishing at almost midnight and THEN was when I drew portraits. I finished at 3-4am and tried to sleep. or read some fics. I was too obsessed.

When the proposal happened, and it was hiatus, I read some fics, nobody told the version I was thinking of, so I wrote mine. And that was the starting of writing.

And now I want to do comics or fanficomics, tell my stories in drawings. and I hope there's still people who would like to see those,, because everything had changed so much in the fandom... but I'm glad there's still people around enjoying my drawings and fics!!!

And I've started to see some Shamy fanart around here that I've been enjoying so so much, so keep an eye to my reblogs! I thought the fandom was quite dead in terms of fanart, at least the ones I knew from years ago that drew tbbt fanart stopped doing it, I didn't see a lot of stuff on instagram, here I was a little disconnected due motherhood so forgive me if there were artists active and I didn't see them.

So happy to see new (for me) artists posting more tbbt and Shamy fanart!

I might have talked a little too much, but oh well, posting it anyway.

Hugs!

[shinwoonoh]

it’s ep 4 of the eighth sense and i still don’t believe jaewon is in therapy. 

i asked myself why? why, when it’s getting quite obvious that jaewon is in therapy, from the woman accusing him of just being here for the drugs and to jaewon stating his parents forced him to come here 10 years ago. he sits there on a couch for four as a silhouette. the water is clear and glowing behind him. she essentially tells him to spit it out for god’s sake, says he has depression, and jaewon tells her i’m getting sick of myself wearing a mask when I’m dealing with others.

(or a deeply personal piece about my experiences with being asian and the idea of therapy, all prompted by the privilege of getting to experience the eighth sense) 

[tw: depression, suicide ideation, ptsd]

i’m first generation chinese canadian and queer. my sister has depression, had thoughts of suicide, all while i myself was being emotionally and verbally abused at work. it’s been 5 years but when i drive by a white toyota 4runner (because that’s the car they drove), i’m still gripped with fear. i can only stare straight ahead hoping to god it’s not them it’s not them it’s not. i want to drive the other way onto oncoming traffic 

i told my mom then, that my sister needs help - a doctor, therapy, - call the goddamn pastor from church - anything. 

she told me, what use is therapy going to do?

my mom was a registered nurse. when i was a kid, she used to bring me with her on her night shifts and i’d eat tuna croissant sandwiches with the seniors in front of the biggest television box i’ve ever seen in my life. cross legged on the floor because the po po’s and gong gong’s took all the chairs. she told me if old white ladies ask for kleenex and you give them toilet paper, they’ll be mad. it’s different here. 

so it’s ep 4 of the eighth sense and i don’t believe therapy exists in the minds of asian people and culture

i took a new job. vowed not to make friends at work. clock in clock out. gave limited info when coworkers asked questions. smiled and giggled. i observed and mimicked behaviour that would let me fit in. i learned how to hug someone when they were upset (tight and long, soothe their backs with open palms) even though i didn’t want to hug anyone, let alone have anyone touch me anywhere that was soft

i was masking. 

been masking. for a long time.

i fit in so well, everyone likes me. i’ve been told i’m the favourite by pretty much everyone. hell, i’ve had coworkers fighting over me, told i can do and say no wrong. i’m not trying to brag. i hate being the centre of attention. i steer conversation immediately to the other person so i don’t have to talk about myself too much. just enough to seem normal, to look human - to be liked. 

(even as i’m writing this, there are too many words and paragraphs about me, why would anyone read this? y’all are here for the eighth sense but i’m going on like a celebrity writing their autobiography about their tragic childhood and how they were able to rise above - so, okay, i should start sprinkling in some actual t8s content analysis, for god’s sake)

jaewon says i want to free myself from human relationships

what happened to jaewon? we don’t know entirely yet. but everybody loves jaewon. the teacher will give him a good mark because he likes jaewon. everybody in class wants him to be their project partner and everybody’s missed him since he’s been away in the army please hang out with us jaewon let’s go drinking jaewon you better show up jaewon or it would be a shame, jaewon you are so likeable loveable cool lucky don’t worry about jaewon he’s got everything going on for him

then he meets jihyun and i think jaewon has a hard time finding the right mask to put on to deal with the freshman. and he slips a lot. when he starts to talk about his brother, after eunji shows up because of taehyung’s scheming, when jihyun repeatedly corrects him that it’s jaewon that wants to be friends - not him. and finally when he kisses jihyun

he’s having such a hard time and he slips up so bad, that the next safest option is to mask right back up

oh jaewon was drunk he has a habit of kissing and yeah he’ll join them after he helps yoon won wrap things up he’s the new best friend so let’s have a meal together with jihyun and his roommate next time

3 years into my new job, someone returns to the company and we become friends, on a soulmate level. i think i was in love with her - i definitely had a crush on her. but anyways, somehow i see her and i was suddenly all sorts of things because of her. i start to look forward to work. i add my coworkers on facebook and ig. we go to parties with our bosses and a few of us go on a couple of road trips even though the pandemic is blazing in the background  

she saw me, even when i didn’t want to be seen. i remember getting a particularly anxiety-inducing email from my previous job. i’m in the staff room sitting quietly, staring at my feet. i try to breathe. 

i’m alone for the whole of it but i emerge from the room again. ready to leave for the day and somehow, my friend sees me. asks me what’s wrong?

how did she know? i didn’t cry. i looked in the mirror before i came out. i didn’t even say anything to her. but i tell her, quietly at first and then easily and then finally with so much - so. much. honesty.

she tells me i get it. of course you feel that way. why wouldn’t you feel that way? it’s completely understandable. i know you. 

we hug. it’s one of the best hugs i’ve ever received. 

she leaves for another job. i try to go on, all open and soft parts exposed. but little by little, i go back into my shell. 

why would i want to show the entirety of myself? all the bits of me are all the ways i can embarrass myself, expose myself, show myself to people who will take what i show and twist and move it all in a way that becomes unrecognizable and uncontrollable

so i mask

but it’s goddamn tiring and exhausting. jaewon is exhausted. you see it in his eyes as he stares off out into nowhere when jihyun tells him his name. when they’re sitting in the train, and he’s smiling at jihyun at first and then jihyun’s smile falls open, and we see jaewon’s expression: there’s a downward movement to his lips. it’s so miniscule. maybe i’m imagining it

but that’s the moment i think jihyun sees when he tells aeri he ran into jaewon sunbae yesterday, and he didn’t look okay.

what was i talking about? oh yes, therapy and being asian and how disconnected that is to me. nobody asian goes to therapy. i can hear all the aunties and my popo saying sometimes doctors are wrong and medicine isn’t going to help. my grandma didn’t believe my grandpa had dementia and alzheimer’s even to the last minute of his death and past it. she said he was annoying and stupid when he forgot where he put his ring or when he would leave the stove on until a hole burnt through the pot.

in the farewell, a story about a chinese family that lied to their aging matriarch that she didn’t have terminal lung cancer. all of them flew back to china for a rushed and premature marriage, used as an excuse to go tearily say goodbye to their soon-to-be dead grandma/mom/mother in law, etc. the juxtaposition of them celebrating a happy marriage while crying on stage to her about her for her as she claps with happiness and pride, but also with confusion, is funny. they never tell her. and she miraculously is cured of cancer. it’s like she never had it. they lied to her because they wanted her to be happy. be happy so she wouldn’t die. 

so what good will medicine, let alone, therapy do? just be happy. easy, right?

i hope jaewon continues to open up. i hope he finds that soulmate of his, maybe in jihyun, maybe in himself. i know opening up and unmasking is scary. but also masking is so uncomfortable that i want to crawl out of my skin. it’s alienating and lonely. 

even writing all of this out, i still don’t think jaewon is in actual therapy. i’ve never seen it personally in asian media. so i think it’s so sad that when i’m being given a beautiful example of a korean person in korea going to therapy or whatever type of appointment relationship agreement this is where jaewon gets asked what’s bothering him and he answers truthfully and almost painlessly. like he’s been doing this for 10 years. 

and i don’t believe it. it’s so fucked up that i don’t believe it. i keep thinking when will the rug be pulled out from under me? surely there’s no such thing as an asian person going to therapy. fuck, evelyn travelled through the multiverse and there’s not one of her in therapy 

but it’s right there in front of my own eyes: jaewon getting counselled and advised, she has a notebook, an aquarium to look at when you’re nervous, big round metal balls to stare right back at you when you need a distraction and it’s been 10 years. i watched it all with the same eyes that saw my parents fight and punch holes in the wall before going to couple retreats at church and coming back stronger than ever. the last time i saw them fight, i was in high school. even as my sister finally spoke to her doctor and she saw a therapist, then a psychiatrist and now she’s on medication and she’s doing better. i’m not afraid she’s going to hurt herself anymore. my soulmate sees a counsellor and messages me randomly and it’s so eerily weird when she knows i’m struggling even when we’re a mountain apart

it’s all in front of me. but i don't believe it. 

[isa-ghost]

Good afternoon, I have some anti capitalist propaganda for everyone.

I recently got a new boss. He sucks ass for a multitude of reasons, including but not limited to:

Owing at least 3 of my coworkers money for multiple weeks; he owes one $2500+ and another $500+. He keeps saying he'll pay them [insert day] and then doesn't. He has actively refused to pay the one he owes $2500+, even telling her "you make too much," when he made her district manager of all 3 of our stores because he can't take any responsibility for himself.

He requires prepay for a service. Aka you are paying upfront when it's not guaranteed your product (dry cleaning) will come back cleaned right, unruined, or unlost.

He put a fee on our credit card machine so he doesn't have to worry about it with his taxes. He took down the sign he put up to notify customers of said fee, and told us not to tell customers, aka he doesn't want us telling customers we're charging them more than we're saying, and to lie to them. He claimed two weeks ago he'd remove this fee and hasn't.

He said he won't be paying us overtime or sick days. Not paying us overtime is illegal in our state. And dare I mention he said something about making the full time employees (ie: my mother) work 66 hours a week?

He only wants us to have $40 in singles at the end and beginning of each day. Aka we have no change ever for many of our customers who pay in cash, which forces them to use their card on the machine with a fee. When we run low on singles, he makes us walk across our mall's parking lot to the bank where ""he has one million dollars in an account"" to get singles. Yesterday he made me do this in a blizzard and negative temperatures, and the bank was closed because of the Midwest's current deadly weather. So I did it for nothing. When I called and informed him, he said he would come bring me singles to my store. 15 minutes later he called again and said he wouldn't make it because of the snow. I had to ask for exact change or force them to use the machine with a fee.

One morning he straight up forgot to give me any cash at all and took 2 hours to make a 15 minute drive from the main store to my store to give me said cash.

Another time he was supposed to come to my location to collect the day's money. Again, 15 minute drive. He never showed up. Then returned to the main store 5 minutes before it was supposed to close. We have no fucking idea where he was that whole time.

His changes have chased away regular customers who have been coming to us 20+/30+/50+ years. And other less long-time regulars too. We told him all 3 stores are getting several complaints DAILY and being told by SEVERAL customers that they're not coming to our cleaners anymore. He quite literally told me to my face "oh well."

He ignores any and all feedback employees and customers alike give him. He blatantly ignored me to my face twice. Related, he can't get it through his thick fucking head that we're a business in the suburbs, not the city, so things don't work the same as his shitty cleaners in Chicago.

We're a small mom and pop business who's been struggling since the pandemic. This is part of why my previous absolute saint of a boss sold the 3 stores to this douchebag. This ignorant moron said we'd probably lose 10% of our business and "it'd be fine," when we're struggling as it is.

We have 9 employees for 3 stores. He tried to make my coworker he dumped all responsibility on fire 5 of us (rather than doing it himself), including the one that trained her for the job years ago. He called all of us replaceable, even the one he dumped all responsibility on. He also took down all Help Wanted signs and said we definitely have enough staff.

We've caught him in MULTIPLE lies ranging from white lies about his personal life to MAJOR lies about our business and how he wants us to run the stores. We've also witnessed him lie to customers.

He doesn't communicate at all, he's told all 3 stores 3 separate things. There's no reasoning for this, all 3 stores do the same shit. All 3 stores have always done everything the same way before now. He just literally doesn't communicate properly. He changed store hours, and was shocked to find that my store didn't change them weeks later. We didn't change them because he didn't tell us to, he didn't tell us when the change was supposed to go into effect.

He's impossible to contact. If you call and he doesn't answer, his voicemail box is full. He doesn't call back. If you don't have his cell number to text him, you're screwed. There's no guarantee he'll answer texts either.

He's trying to change our entire system that keeps track of customers and implement a text system that will tell the customer their cleaning is done. I told him many customers we get are elderly people who don't text and don't even have smartphones and can't get that notification. He said he didn't care, and that they'd just have to remember their cleaning or forget it. Might I mention that after 60 days or more, he plans on selling the clothes on eBay?

He has a fake service dog (he told my coworker himself) that he brings to our main store every day and forces my coworker to babysit while she does her work. Work that you can't do and watch a dog at the same time. This is the one he owes $2500+ to btw.

That coworker looked up his full legal name (which she has access to since she had all his responsibilities dumped on her, including his personal emails) and found an article that strongly suggests he has a criminal history, if it's definitely him and a credible source. The kicker is, he has a very unique non-White name that we'd be very shocked to hear more than one person has. I can't confirm if the article is legit even so, because I obviously don't have his legal name. But she sent me a screenshot of the article and the crime was gun related. My coworker also saw emails of his that she, a recovering addict, is confident are drug dealing related.

The heat in my specific store hasn't worked properly in months. My previous boss was too tight on money to fix it. He was literally maintaining just enough to pay all employees and the essentials for the stores. He cared way more about us than money.

And the heat not working is what brings me to my real post, despite those reasons being more than enough to birth a new anti capitalist. Here's my REAL post:

So that deadly Midwestern weather right now? -20°F to -70°F in some parts? For my non-Americans, that's -20°C to -56°C. Without "RealFeel"/Wind Chill included. Those are daytime temperatures, not how cold it gets at night.

It was snowing SIDEWAYS almost the entire day yesterday, and he didn't close the stores. I had to work. My car is small and light, it slides and gets stuck super easily. Our roads are not plowed right now. I'm relying on the grooves from traffic to avoid driving in snow that'll get me stuck. I have to drive 20mph at the fastest on roads where the limit is 40-45mph.

Today it's-3°F (-19°C). For the high. RealFeel/Wind Chill is -27°F (-32°C). There are wind gusts up to 55mph. Visibility on the road is almost nonexistent, snow is blowing everywhere in massive walls across the streets, which still aren't properly plowed.

He still had my mom work today from 7am to 3pm, in our store that has no working heating. The inside of our store has been about 50°F (10°C) at the warmest all day. We're relying on two small and unhelpful space heaters, one at the front of the store and one at the back, to keep any form of heat in the store, which is all immediately sucked out the second our door opens for even a second. He also had the audacity to ask my mom to walk across the parking lot in this weather, to the bank as soon as they opened (which isn't even open) to get singles again, rather than bringing them despite there no longer being any snow preventing him from coming in his big ass definitely snow-safe truck.

It's still so cold in this store that my mom and I have our coats, hats, gloves and scarves on. I'm currently wearing 4 layers, a scarf and gloves sitting literally inches from one of our space heaters to keep myself warm. We have had maybe 5 customers since 7am. It's now 4pm.

Normally I would be working until 6pm today. At 6pm, it will be -6°F (-21°C), RealFeel/Wind Chill -40°F (-40°C according to my converter. It's so fucking cold our temperatures are syncing). My mom called our boss to see if we can close early, even mentioning that we've had no business today to try and persuade him further. He said we can. At 4:30pm, which was 2 hours from when she called him.

He's so greedy, he'd rather leave us in these conditions for a little longer despite there being 0 benefit to anyone rather than just sensibly closing right then and there. I've been here an hour and we've had no customers. At 4:30pm, it'll be dark outside on top of the already poor visibility outside, on top of rush-hour traffic, on top of roads in garbage condition.

He's quite literally choosing profit he's not going to make over my and my mom's lives, because if the worst happens as we're driving in those conditions, with the car that slides and gets stuck easily that I mentioned before, we could die if we crash or slide off the road.

Fuck capitalism, eat the fucking rich.

[juvia-is-beast]

Hey y'all. I hate to make this kind of post while the world is in the condition its in but I'm trying to survive and not be homeless.

The Situation

I've taken care of my disables veteran mother since I was 14. I'm 27 now and I'm really chronically ill from PCOS. I have PTSD and Major Depression because of this I never learned to drive because I was continuously traumatized while trying to learn or when trying to ask to learn. I needed my family's help to get to medical appointments and instead I was treated like an inconvenience until I could no longer work from being in pain all the time. My family kicked me out of the house after I snapped when I told them I was in a lot of pain and to nauseous to eat and they replied with a scoff. My mom called the cops and lied to them telling them I hit her and had me arrested for domestic violence... I've been a pacifist since I was 5 I've never hit anyone except for when I was having severe psychosis because I was unmedicated and undiagnosed. I greatly regret those times even though I have no memory of them. My mom was also pocketing and lying about my SSI. She had me work 3 jobs when I started getting sicker and my body started giving out about a year ago. I had to pause my college classes because of my health and I smoke weed to manage the pain since I can't get to doctors. My pausing class led my mom to tell everyone that I quit school to stay home and smoke weed all day. I work at the college and my campus is my real home. I would rather spend all day in pain on campus at work then stay at home because my real home is my campus. I gave her everything I could. I took care of her half of my life and when I genuinely needed her she abandoned me. I got kicked out in November and I've been staying with a friend. I'm trying to find a place to rent when I can afford to reunite with my cats. I need help with a deposit and some groceries for now. I live in FL and you need a medical card and I couldn't renew mine in time so I can't get medical weed for a while. The semester hasn't started yet so I can't start work yet. I don't want to be short because of the deposit and I want to help my friend with groceries while I'm staying with her because she isn't charging me to stay here even though if someone finds out that I'm here they'll be in breach of their lease and can get kicked out. I also need help with basic hygiene because I done want to spend my SSI because I need to find a place to stay ASAP.

Please if you can spare anything at all cash app me.

$0/$750

$600 for rent

$100 for the background check

$50 for a Uhaul to move my mattress, dresser, shelf and desk to the new place once I have one.

TLDR: Help me put down a deposit for a room to rent and and moving fees. My mom pocketed all of my SSI for the last 10 years while lying about how much I was receiveing and also demanded most of my paycheck. I don't have savings because she would take them. 

C@shapp: $ButtPirate27

V3nm0: Komal-Deo

[depressedhouseplant]

🔞 In Darkness I Found You 🔞

Chapter 10

Tags: Mention of parental death

“No peeking,” Hobi said as he walked Yoongi into the nursery with his eyes covered.

“I’m not!” he insisted.

“Surprise!” Hobi took his hands off Yoongi’s eyes. The nursery was completely finished. The walls were painted royal purple. The crib they’d picked out was set up along with the changing table and the ergonomically sound rocking chair.

“How did you finish this? It was only half done last week,” Yoongi said.

“I had a little help,” Hobi admitted.

Jungkook scooted out from behind the door that led from the nursery into the kitchen.

“I put together the crib,” he said.

“He’s quite handy, this one,” Hobi said. “Did it faster than I could have.”

“I just read the directions,” Jungkook said shyly.

“Thank you very much. Pup thanks you, too,” Yoongi said. He put Jungkook’s hand on his belly. The pup kicked and Jungkook jumped.

“You never felt a pup kick before?” Yoongi asked.

He shook his head.

“This one is a kicker. Maybe we have a future Olympic soccer player on our hands,” Hobi patted the bump. “Eh, pup?”

“Or something,” Yoongi replied.

“Try the chair. It’s really comfy,” Hobi said.

“Of course you tried it out,” Yoongi smiled as he sat.

“I did, too. He’s right,” Jungkook said.

“Well, that’s 2 reviews in,” Yoongi said as he sat down. The chair was very comfortable.

“I thought it would be nice for late night feedings or any feedings really. When you’re really tired, I wanted you to be as comfy as possible,” Hobi told him. He knelt in front of Yoongi and started rubbing his thighs. Yoongi closed his eyes and settled into the chair.

“Legs bothering you today?” Hobi asked.

“Pup’s been sitting low,” Yoongi replied.

“Naughty pup,” Hobi kissed the bump. They heard sniffling from the door. Jungkook was trying not to cry.

“You okay?” Yoongi asked. Jungkook furiously wiped his eyes.

“Fine. Just fine,” he replied.

“Uh huh,” Hobi said.

“How’d you do it? How’d you get so lucky? He’s, like, the perfect Alpha,” Jungkook said. “Alphas like them aren’t real.”

“Them?” Yoongi asked.

“You and your brother. You took us in. You made us better. You mated with him and took a pup that’s not yours. You could’ve left us to die or sent Yoongi back, but you didn’t,” Jungkook looked at Hobi.

“You saw the worst there was to see in Alphas. You saw the ones who thought Omegas were there for their pleasure and not humans with feelings. We’re not all like that. Tae and I came from a very traditional family and frankly one that you hardly see anymore. We had an Omega female mother and an Alpha male father. When they found out they had 2 Alpha sons, they made an effort to teach us how to be respectful of everyone. They didn’t want us to turn out like some of the other Alpha boys they’d seen,” Hobi said.

“They did a good job,” Yoongi said.

“What happened to them?” Jungkook asked.

“They died in a car crash three years ago. That’s why this house is so big. We never moved out,” Hobi laughed a little, but Yoongi could tell the memory of the loss of his parents still stung.

“Help me up. I think I’m going to float in the pool a bit,” Yoongi changed the subject. “Give my legs a rest.”

“You have a pool?” Jungkook said.

“Past the patio. We hardly ever used it until this one got pregnant enough,” Hobi said. “Seven months tomorrow.”

“God help me,” Yoongi laughed a little.

“Can I come?” Jungkook asked.

“Of course,” Hobi said. “I assume you’ll need some swim trunks?”

“Yeah,” he agreed.

“I’ll go get some of Tae’s,” Hobi grinned. Jungkook had gained some weight in the past 2 weeks though he was still on the skinny side. “We’re gonna need to get you your own clothes soon and you’re not even pregnant.”

“You don’t have to do that,” Jungkook said.

“Of course we do. Can’t have you walking around the house naked,” Hobi said. Jungkook blushed. “Let me go get those swim trunks.”

Jungkook waited until he thought Hobi was out of earshot.

“Tae has already...seen me naked,” he hissed.

“And in a non-medical capacity I assume,” Yoongi replied.

“Yeah,” Jungkook blushed deeper.

“Well I know you haven’t had sex because I would’ve smelled it,” Yoongi said.

“No, but we got really close once. A couple days ago and he stopped it,” Jungkook told him. “We snuck up to his room after we thought you were asleep.”

“You were lucky. I don’t sleep that well these days,” Yoongi told him.

“That’s what Tae said,” Jungkook replied.

“They do smell good,” Yoongi said as Jungkook followed him in the master bedroom.

“Tae smells...amazing. I was so scared at the hospital. There were too many smells. When I smelled Tae, I smelled you, but I also smelled him. When he told me that he could take me somewhere safe, I knew he was telling the truth. Then he brought me here. Is that how you fell in love with Hobi?” Jungkook explained.

“I was on bedrest for a month and he spent every night with me. He let me scent him from the first night. I woke up with his hands on my belly protecting a very fragile pup. I knew he was the one from the beginning. Maybe it wasn’t love at first sight or smell, but it was close. We decided to be mates right after I got off bedrest and made it official about a month and a half later. The pup limits things a bit and now that I’m this big…” Yoongi explained.

“You can stop there,” Jungkook held up his hand.

“One day you might want one of your own,” Yoongi went into the bathroom to change.

“I’m not so sure about that,” he replied.

“It’s just a thought. You can get some practice with your niece or nephew,” Yoongi told him.

“It doesn’t bother you? That you’re pregnant again?” Jungkook asked as Yoongi came out of the bathroom.

“It did for a while. Then Hobi told me he’d love this pup like his own and did things like bought maternity clothes and decorated a nursery. This pup is special. He even told me we don’t have to have any more if I don’t want to,” Yoongi told him.

“Tae says the cyst has to come out even if we…” he stopped himself. “I don’t want to try.” Yoongi smiled at him.

“Don’t bother trying to hide it. Hobi and I snuck a little peek the first night. We know,” he said.

“Is it wrong?” Jungkook asked.

“Not at all,” Yoongi smiled. “Not at all.”

“Found one!” Hobi announced as he came in the room. “I swear he hid them.” Yoongi knew he’d been listening at the door. It was only a question of how long.

“Thank you,” Jungkook took them and went across the hall to change.

“They mated up yet?” Hobi asked.

“Not yet. Tae apparently stopped them right before they got that far,” Yoongi replied.

“How polite,” Hobi said.

“Don’t sound so sarcastic. You did the same thing. How many times did you finish yourself in the bathroom?” Yoongi asked as they waited in the hall for Jungkook.

“That was because of the pup,” Hobi replied.

“Uh huh. Omega daddy might need some relaxation from Alpha daddy tonight. Omega daddy’s legs are bothering him,” Yoongi kissed Hobi.

“Alpha daddy is happy to help,” Hobi kissed him back.

“Ew,”

They looked over and saw Jungkook standing in the doorway to the guest room.

“You know one day we might walk in on you and Tae like this,” Hobi said as they walked out to the pool.

“What? Talking about having sex?” Jungkook asked.

“You big and pregnant and him all starry eyed kissing you. And possibly referring to a sex act,” Hobi replied.

“Thank you for calling me fat,” Yoongi said as Hobi helped him into the inner tube.

“You’re big because you’re pregnant, not fat,” Hobi told him. He gave Yoongi a push and he started floating around the pool. Jungkook got in and tentatively started swimming around. Hobi rolled up his pants and put his feet in the water. He’d never particularly enjoyed swimming, but he kept Yoongi company while he took advantage of the pool. Tae was the one who liked to swim.

“I’ve been thinking about it & maybe we should invite Jin and Namjoon over one day. They’ve got Jisoo, but I can stay in the pool with her,” Yoongi floated toward Hobi.

“How old is she?” Hobi asked.

“Three? Maybe 3 and a half? My sense of time still isn’t that great,” Yoongi said. “Jin had her a while before I got out.”

“Jin?” Jungkook asked.

“Tall, skinny, had trouble going into heat?” Yoongi said.

“Um, maybe? I might know him if I saw him,” he said.

“That’s usually the case,” Yoongi said. “We weren’t exactly encouraged to get to know each other.”

“If you want to arrange it, I think it’ll be good to have them over. I think we can all use the socialization,” Hobi said. “I’ll let you invite them.”

“Okay,” the idea of texting or calling Jin to invite them over still made him nervous. Now that they had Jungkook, he was sure the conversation would turn to the farm. Hobi, Namjoon, and Tae definitely wouldn’t want to hear the gory details of what went on there. Namjoon knew the most since he actually went there, but Yoongi knew Jin forced the conversation away from what happened behind closed doors. Yoongi looked at Jungkook and knew he was thinking the same thing.

“I think I’m ready to get out now,” Yoongi said. Jungkook helped float Yoongi to the side where Hobi could help him out. “I’ll call Jin after I’ve rinsed off.”

“Okay,” Hobi said. Really it was to give Yoongi time to remember why he was doing this. They needed each other. They were all free for one reason or another. It would help them heal. At least, that’s what Yoongi hoped would happen.

[lifeinahole27]

I promise I'm alive

Eventually, I'm gonna sit down and write out where I've been for the last six months. I owe a huge apology to @grimmswan for never finishing her Christmas fic, first and foremost. And mostly I just wanted to let everyone know I'm still around. Here's the Sparknotes:

Last June, I got passed over for a promotion to AGM at the hotel I was working at. I was promoted instead to "Front Office Manager" and finally got to move to a daytime schedule after we found a new auditor to replace me.

On September 1, I had to fire my first employee ever - that same auditor that I was so excited to replace me - and so that was a fun experience. It meant that I was back to splitting audit duties with the other guy.

We tried to get one of the other desk agents to learn audit. The first attempt did not go well. He was supposed to cover during the weekend of my brother's wedding when I was off work and I genuinely don't remember how we worked the schedule for that now, but I know it was tenuous for a minute.

That same guy that didn't do well on the audit quit via text message the week of Thanksgiving, when the General Manager was on vacation, essentially fucking the rest of us for the rest of the week. He was my best friend at the job. I have not spoken to him since.

At Christmastime, the AGM essentially yelled at me as if I was a child for correcting her on something that she was doing improperly. Her mindset was that she had been working (at another property) for 15 years so she knew how to do her job and there's more than 1 way to do something and I needed to accept that. (Fun sidenote: I had been at that property for almost 4 years and she was doing something wrong. That's the fun thing about different properties. What works at one may not work the same at another.)

After that incident, I was job hunting. I finally got to go to a Christmas luncheon at this hotel (I was always working audit in the years before, so I had never gone before) but I was so miserable the entire time I was there but did a great job acting.

I was forced to work until 12:30am on NYE because my manager was convinced it was going to be a busy day. As I had worked NYE twice before and J had worked it once, we knew it was not going to be busy enough for two people. But still I was forced to work the one day I hate working (thanks to SA memories) and that was the final straw for me.

On January 4, I got a call from the company I had applied to at the recommendation of one of my previous GMs from my old hotel. A few days later, I did a pre-interview/info session with the Talent Manager. Two days after that, I did my interview with a group of managers. And on January 10, I handed in my notice to the hotel.

January 30, I left the hotel at 7:15am, no longer employed by it.

On February 6, I flew out to Denver and spent a week with a BFF I made in the CS community. We had a writers' retreat while I housesat for my sister while she was on vacation. I flew home on February 13 and got my company issued computers set up.

I started the new employment on February 14. My entire upstairs is almost completely renovated after three months of working on it after 7 years of depression. I have quit smoking. I am slowly getting my writing mojo back. My GP and therapist are both astonished at how happy I am.

In the months since I left, I have fully realized that I was essentially being abused at my last job. I was just so driven by my goals there that I was willing to excuse all of the bullshit in hopes of making it in my career. I asked for my vacation time a couple months ago and no one guilt-tripped me because I'm going on vacation in June. I told them I would be happy to take my laptop and work while I'm there and they told me to not even think about it. To go have fun and enjoy my vacation.

I don't know what all of this means for my CS writing. I don't know if that will come back. I would like to. I would love to finish some projects that are half-written. I would love to do another year of cards and finish that not-so-secret santa fic for @grimmswan. I just have to be a little more patient with myself and see what happens.

Okay, that wasn't as short as I expected it to be, because I guess it was a lot. Anyway, hi everyone. This is the happiest I've been since 2015. I'm happy to be back. <3

[powpowstuff]

“No Big Belly Burger For You” - Jason Todd Imagine

Hi everyone ! As promised here is a little story about the one and only Jason Todd !  I hope you will like it ! If you do please do not hesitate to hit the like button so I know if it deserves a part 2 ! 

Also, I do take requests so if you have any idea my ask is open ! 

Enjoy ! 

TW: mention of violence. 

Word Counts: 1732.

10 years ago...

You were sitting on the top of a roof somewhere in Gotham City, sitting on the edge swinging your legs in the void. Working with Batman and Robin, Jason Todd, was quite tiring as you decided to work every night to help them. 

As you were lost in your thoughts, you heard someone behind you “Hi y/n ! Look what I got ! Time for a little big belly burger break right ?”. You turned your head and recognised Jason Todd aka Robin. He had joined your family three years ago as your dad, Bruce Wayne, found him about to steal the tires of the Batmobile. But you did not see him as a brother, more like a best friend, a crush even. 

“Oh god Jason you read my mind ! I am starving !” you smiled widely as Jason sat down behind you “Well, I am no telepath but you’ve been patrolling for three hours now and we didn’t have dinner so!” 

You both ate your burgers chatting and laughing and trying to guess what jobs did the people in the building across the streets have, according to the decoration of their flats which you could see from where you were sitting. 

You turned to Jason “So… Bruce told me you went out this afternoon and didn’t want anyone to know where you were going ! Are you hiding a girlfriend, Jason Todd ?” you chuckled a bit trying to hide your nervousness and poked his shoulder. You were praying in your head that the answer would be No, because you adored him, you were just too shy to say or try anything.

“A girlfriend ?” he laughed and shook his head no “I wouldn’t have time for a girlfriend ! Or I’d have to find a vigilante girlfriend so she’d understand that if I suddenly leave or give no news it’s because I am saving the city and not because I am cheating !” you both laughed and then he smiled at you “but, I guess I have the perfect candidate next to me” he winked at you. 

But you didn’t say anything, you just blushed. Oh how you wish you had said something. You kept thinking that if you had said something, maybe he wouldn’t have gone to the Joker’s lair that night, maybe he would still be alive today. Or at least, he would have known how much you loved him…

Today…

You were on a mission to stop the selling of new lethal weapons sold by Don Falcone. You were hiding on the beam of a hangar located at the docks, watching Don Falcon’s goons playing poker, waiting for the buyer. Everything had been calm for the last two hours when suddenly, the front door opened. The silhouette of a tall athletic man wearing a red helmet, brown leather jackets and black trousers and combat boots walked in. “Hello boys !” the man said with a robotic voice due to his helmet covering his whole face “I guess I am not the one you were expecting !”. Falcon’s minions all grabbed their guns in panic “ Who the fuck are you ?” asked the bigger one. 

You put a finger on your com in your ear and whispered “Bats, there’s an unexpected visitor here. Red helmet, can’t see his face at all, dark  leather jacket and black trousers and combat boots. D’you know him ?” you asked.

“Never seen anyone like that. Do you need me ?” Batman asked. “Nah, I’ll let you know if I need help.” 

“Well, you see, I don’t really like what Don Falcone does to this city, so I’m going to prevent you from selling those guns. In fact, I’m going to leave with those guns without paying.” the red helmet guy said. 

The criminals laughed and the biggest one took a step towards the hooded man and said “I don’t think so, unless you’re Batman, you’re not stopping anything.” The hooded man laughed “Batman ? Trust me, I am worse than Batman.” 

You frowned, worse than Batman ? You’ve never heard of that guy. How could he pretend to be worse than Batman ? 

“Oh yeah ?” the criminal laughed “and why is that Mister Red Head ?” “Well first, the name’s Red Hood and second” the man quickly grabbed a gun and shot the big criminal right between his eyes, the body of the tall big man fell, as the others watched in shock “unlike Batman I do kill”. 

You put your finger on your com again as the other criminals started to try to shoot the Red Hood. “Bats, the guy kills, calls himself RedHood !”

“Red Hood ? That’s the name the Joker took before he fell in the acid ! Be careful we need Don Falcon’s men for trials ! I am coming ! Be there in ten!” Batman said. 

You took a batarang and hit the gun of the Red Hood, it fell on the floor and the other criminals stopped as well. 

“Shit  ! It’s the Bats !” one said 

“Fuck this, I’m out of here !” another one said, trying to escape. 

You used your bat ropes to hang two of them on the beams. 

“Batman !” the Red Hood said, taking one criminal hostage and putting his other gun on his temple “Come down here if you dare !” 

You stayed hidden, trying to figure out a plan. 

The Red Hood started to get angrier “Come down Batman” he screamed “Come and fight me if you’re a man ! Come kill me because if you don’t I will surely kill you !”  

You carefully and silently got back down on the floor and hit him with a tasing ball, making him drop his gun. He groaned in pain and as his hostage left running, he rubbed his hand. “Oh you came down ? How nice of you !” 

You stayed in the shadows as Red Hood walked around “You won’t be able to defeat me Batman, I know you by heart” he chuckled “I can predict your every move, I know how you fight !” he started to kick in empty boxes trying to find you “ Come now so I can kill you !” he screamed as he walked next to you, not noticing you. 

You took the opportunity to jump on his back, wrapping your legs around him and your arms around his throat trying to suffocate him so he could pass out. He grabbed both your forearms, made you swing above his head and threw you right against the empty boxes, you groaned in pain. 

“What do we have here ?” he walked to you as you tried to get up, grabbed you by your hair and made you look at him. “Oh I see” he smirked “Batman didn’t come, he let the little girl wonder come uh ?” he let go of your hair. “Come fight me, Redblaze” he took a step back and got in a fighting position. 

You got up, in pain. How could he know that name ? That’s a name you were thinking of taking when you first started to do vigilante work with your dad. Not many people knew it. Sure you tried to say it while arresting your firsts criminals but it was about ten years ago. 

You fought the man for a good ten minutes, you were exhausted. It was as if he could read your mind, he countered your every move and kept hitting you and you barely managed to hit him. It made you more and more frustrated, it was the first time in almost twelve years of vigilante work that a fight was this hard, you never struggled like that. After all, your dad trained you since you were a child. Even if you didn’t start the work of vigilante when you were a child, you were the daughter of Bruce Wayne and he always wanted you to be capable of defending yourself in case of danger. You were good at fighting, really good. 

“C’mon Red ! That’s all you can give me ?” the man laughed, “I’m not even tired !” 

He was teasing you, and it made you even more frustrated, you screamed as you tried to punch him the harder you could in the face. He barely moved and laughed, as you screamed in pain.

“You can’t break my helmet but that’s a good try !” he grabbed you by the throat, you were panting, exhausted. “No big belly burger for you” he headbutted you and you passed out. 

When you woke up, you were on the hospital bed in the batcave, still wearing your suit. “Sir, she’s awake !” Alfred said and your dad came to your side. “y/n ! Are you okay ?” he asked, worried but trying not to show it too much. 

“I think I am… I am so sorry ! Could you catch Falcon’s goons ? I hung them on the beams !” you said. 

Bruce shook his head no “They were shot… but we will have other opportunities. I took a look at the security cams of the hangar… that was a tough fight.” He said going back to the batcomputer. 

“Yes… He kept wanting to fight and kill you… I… Can I see the video ?” you asked and your dad nodded, rewinding it. 

You watched. Watching it on screen made it even more frustrating for you, he countered each and every attack of yours as if it was nothing. 

“You see ?” you pointed at the screen “it’s like he knew what I would do before I even had the chance to do it ! It was even more frustrating than training with you !” 

“Come fight me, Redblaze” the man on the screen said. “You heard that ? Only a few people knew about that name dad ! It’s…” you sighed. 

“He knows us, personally” your dad said, staring at the screen “he’s angry at me, he knows about you… it must be someone we know.” said your dad. 

“I can assure you that it is not me Master Bruce” Alfred jokingly said. You smiled at Alfred, amused by his sense of humour. 

“No big belly burger for you !” you heard from the computer and immediately turned your head. “Wait ! Play that again !” you asked. Your dad rewinded the video and your eyes widened. 

“Someone we know… supposedly mad at you… who knows which name I took ten years ago…knows my moves.. says I don’t deserve a big belly burger after I lose a fight..” you looked at your dad, eyes filled with tears “Dad, this is Jason… he’s alive !”.

[clairefoyanttt]

Chapter One

I filed for short term disability for burnout about two weeks ago. I'm still waiting for final approval from the leave group, but I'm reasonably certain it will be.

Step one was ensuring it was an option with my company. I reached out to HR, who is required to keep these conversations and inquiries confidential, and they confirmed it was an option but would need a doctor to say it was medically necessary.

Step two was getting my doctor on board. She grilled me, hard, because saying this is medically necessary when it isn't is fraud and if I was trying to pull a fast one, it's her ass on the line. She was, understandably, concerned as my previous anxiety self test had looked like an improvement and the one I took the day of our disability discussion was a drastic change for the worse. I think she probably thought there was a chance I was artificially nudging my scores. However, the day of my last appointment with her, I had an interview scheduled for that afternoon for a company that I thought was going to be a great change for me. They offered me great pay, the recruiters swore they were a family-friendly company, that they would be accommodating to my kids schedule, and it was closer to home. What actually happened was learning that the job was going to be significantly longer hours, zero opportunity for remote work, and a significant drop in paid time off. So yeah, I had been really hopeful in her last appointment, and still scored fairly high on anxiety but not as bad as I did the day I walked in there realizing that I either had to figure out a way to make things work with my current job, or I was going to be unemployed.

In fact, that's what I told her. I said that one way or another I was not going to be working as of February 23rd, either because I was on disability leave, or because I quit. I think that was when she realized that this was legitimate.

I also agreed to up my therapy sessions to weekly as opposed to the current bi-weekly schedule, I shared with her the steps I had taken to mitigate my depression and anxiety (gratitude journaling, meditation, taking walks in nature, eating better, exercising more, spending less time on my phone, socializing more frequently, sleeping better, etc) and assured her that I'd seen improvements at home, but work was still a disaster.

After our appointment, she and my therapist worked together, and the result is that my doctor has approved the request and believes it is medically necessary.

Yesterday I had my last day in the office, and my last day of work. I also had my annual review with my new-ish boss. The conversation was wonderful, if a bit uncomfortable, and I am genuinely excited about the goals we have set for this year and the projects I'll get to work on upon my return. That being said, it was hands down the worst annual review of my life. Inconsistently met goals, failed to meet goals, standards not set, it was a disaster. Luckily I fully expected it to be a disaster, so it wasn't a surprise and I didn't get upset.

You see, 10 years ago this year I joined the Army. Less than a year later, I was set to run my final PT test on a knee I had injured 6 months prior. I passed my push-ups, I passed my sit-ups, and all I had to do was pass a two mile run. Within a half mile, I knew my knee wasn't going to make it. Around the 3/4 mile mark, my knee gave out and I hit the deck hard. It took a second to breathe, popped up on my feet, and sprinted. My knee gave out again, and I fell. Then I got up, sprinted, and fell. I did this for about a half mile. I wanted everyone who saw me to know that I pushed myself. That I was strong. That I was determined. I thought that made me a worthy person. I failed my test that day, but it wasn't my fault. My knee just couldn't keep up.

Unfortunately, pushing through that pain also gave me lifelong knee problems. I am currently in physical therapy once again due to meniscal fraying because my knee was already weakend and unstable from my decade old injury and exacerbated by pregnancy, and carrying a child who now weighs 26 and a half pounds. I might have made a good impression on the people who saw me running that early morning in Arizona, but in my desire to be seen as someone who wasn't a quitter, I gave myself a lifelong injury.

This time, I failed again, and it still isn't my fault. My mental health is fractured after years of frequent change, the stress of COVID, the stress of being a full-time working mother, the stress of having an injured spouse, the stress of having no family nearby to chip in when things get tough, the stress of difficult bosses, the stress of living with a traumatic brain injury, the stress of ADHD exacerbated by TBI and mom brain... However, I can take ownership of my mental health and work to improve it so that I don't fail again in the future.

And that's my plan. During the coming weeks, I will try to rest a lot. I will try to stop beating myself up based on perceived expectations. The only opinions that matter to me, in order, are mine, my son's, my husband's, my dog's, and my boss's (and that's a distant fourth during this recovery time).

So, I will be a potato. I will sleep. I will binge comfort shows and video games. I will take long walks with my dog and have dinner with my family. I will play with my kiddo and spend tech free time outside. I will remove the things in my house that stress me, and show off the things that bring me joy. I will find rhythms for personal and home upkeep that I can maintain when I go back to work. I will go back to my creative roots and be happy creating things again.

I woke up this morning with my jaw clenched and my back on fire. For now, my goal is to wake-up rested instead of stressed. And that's enough for now.