#What is a clean coloring process

[collophora]

@devinsisland apocalypse AUs, but it's just chill gardening between two raids outside to scavenge seeds

[phreaticlayer]

wip land + misc sketches to fill the gaps

it's kind of embarrassing seeing the illustration bases laid out like this how much i like rehashing explored mirror/blackwhite/identity motifs lMAO... there's a few more wips that would make the whole thing more incriminating but didn't make it in here bc of format or just space...

that said i think my priority is going to be the violin one because i love a bowed instrument and also i love hands

[fobnsfwdoodlesbackup]

Happy Friday! The first 4 pages of the polyfob comic (with Girltrick) are up on the WordPress!

As always I want to give a major shout out to @punk-gremlin for commissioning and writing this! You can find their fic below 🫶 I'd really love to draw the rest of it sometime, it's a real treat UwU

Commissions like this help fund the blog and keep me able to create, so if you want to see more art then consider tipping, commissioning, joining the Patreon, or just sharing my work! A censored version of this comic has been posted to my IG if that's easier to share as well 🫶

[alternianavenues]

Did some Jejrik warmups for the start of the day, FEAST. You should totally respond with screenshots of your favorites <3

[wtl-archive]

Any time I'm forced to explain anything about the actual script of this AU I feel like the creator of Cruelty Squad when Pyro was interviewing him

[volfoss]

actually crying and shaking at the news of finding raws for tokyo babylon... i can only hope theyre less yucky

[outeremissary]

💕 self-love time! talk about which ones of YOUR creations (edits, artworks, fanfics) you like the most then send to other creators to do the same 💕

(this got terribly ramble-y. apologies.)

Ah, this is difficult. Putting self-deprecation aside, I've accomplished a lot in the past year that's been significant improvement for me in terms of visual art. I guess that I really like the Valentine's art? Which is good since due to a series of mishaps it wound up framed next to my desk (realized I had no safe storage for it that wouldn't smudge it to hell and back) so it would be very sad if I wound up hating it.

I really loved the Crystalhue art I never finished as well. The sketch was really cute and it had the most complex composition of any large scene I'd done at the time (and probably since).

And it's silly, but I did really enjoy the letter I wrote back to you. I always struggle with Balthazar's voice. It was a helpful exercise even if it turned out messy. I'm sorry for not continuing the chain better. But thank you for the opportunity despite my unsociability. Lately I've been doing other art that I really liked too, so I'm surrounded by cute expressions right now. There's a beautiful smile to my left and some terrible (affectionate) smirks to right. Hopefully I can finish things in a reasonable time this week to share :) It's been a long while since I last did sequential art, so I'm always excited even when it's simple.

Ah, and recently there was a lot of really good art with Vio (@mountainashfae's character, as always), so that's lovely. This was messy (and color made it messier) but I still like it because 1) it's cute and 2) I challenged myself a lot to try things I always wanted to draw but avoided because I just thought I couldn't do them well. Well, the omnipresent mistake hiding eraser speaks to the imperfection, but I'm still happy.

I'm seldom satisfied with what I make, but I try to see it as a good thing. I'm always growing, perhaps. My therapist thinks it's like living with a curse though. ^^;;

[dingusships]

what's your favorite way to draw

Digital is what I do most + is most convenient BUT I'm a traditional pencil or charcoal gal at my core!! It's what I started with and am most comfortable with. Ideas seem to come to me easier on paper for some reason & the tactile-ness of smudging drawing etc feels way more at home to me than digital

My background is solidly in realism & it wasn't until about 7 years ago that I started dabbling into stylization / fun stuff so my "default" style vs what I typically post here is..... Uh off balance atm LMAO

^ a still life I did for a class. As u can see my toon skills in comparison have A Ways to go LMAO

I love Prismacolors too when I wanna do something colored but those are kinda pricey & run out quickly. So I have to plan carefully what exactly I'm gonna use them for before I do it

[springcatalyst]

writing a barely related scene has got me in a fabric-making rabbit hole. how much of the process do they actually do ...

[beemovieerotica]

struggling with how to word this, but putting it out there anyway:

i can fully understand the posts on here from a lot of americans being tired of "vote blue no matter who" posts when the #1 thing that people are constantly (and sometimes only?) addressing is how the republican party is going treat trans/queer people if elected.

it's part of an unfortunate pattern of prioritizing the effects on a demographic that includes white + upper class people, when people of color and those in the global south are actively and currently being killed or relegated to circumstances in which their survival is very unlikely

it is genuinely exhausting to witness this, and i was also on the fence about even participating in voting because i a) felt like it didn't matter and b) every time i voiced being frustrated with the current state of the country, white queer people would immediately step in with "but what about trans people!" -> (i am mixed race trans man)

and i say this with unending patience toward people who do this, because i know that it's not something they actively think about. but everyone already knows how the republican party is going to treat queer people. you are probably talking to another queer person when you bring up project 2025. the issue is that, for those of us who aren't white, or for those of us who are but who are conscious of ongoing struggles for people of color worldwide, the safety of people around the world feels more urgent than our own. that is the calculation that's being made.

you're not going to win votes for the democratic party by dismissing or minimizing these realities and by continually centering (white) queer people.

very few people on here and twitter are actually talking about issues beyond queer rights that concern people of color, or how the two administrations differ on these issues instead of constantly circling back to single-issue politics. this isn't an exhaustive list. but these are the issues that have actually altered my perspective and motivated me to the point of committing to casting a vote

the biden administration has been engaged in a years-long fight to allow new applicants to DACA (Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals, the program that allows undocumented individuals who arrived as children to remain in the country) after the Trump administration attempted to terminate it. the program is in limbo currently because of the actions of Trump-backed judges, with those who applied before the ruling being allowed to stay, but no new applications are being processed. Trump has repeatedly toyed with the idea of just deporting the 1.8 million people, but he continues to change his mind depending on whatever the fuck goes on in his head. he cannot be relied on to be sympathetic toward people of hispanic descent or to guarantee that DREAMers will be allowed stay in the country. biden + a democratic controlled congress will allow legal challenges to the DACA moratorium to gain ground.

the biden administration is open to returning and protecting portions of culturally important indigenous land in a way that the trump administration absolutely does not give a fuck. as of may 2024, they have established seven national monuments with plans to expand the San Gabriel Monument where the Gabrielino, Kizh / Tongva, the Chumash, Kitanemuk, Serrano, and Tataviam reside. the Berryessa Snow Mountain is also on the list, as a sacred region to the Patwin.

i'm recognizing that the US's plans for clean energy have often come into conflict with tribal sovereignty, and the biden administration could absolutely do better in navigating this. but the unfortunate dichotomy is that there would be zero commitment or investment in clean energy under a trump-led government, which poses an astounding existential threat and destabilizing force to the global south beyond any human-to-human conflict. climate change has caused and will continue to cause resource shortages, greater natural disasters, and near-lethal living conditions for those in the tropics - and the actions of the highest energy consumers (US) are to blame. biden has funneled billions of dollars into climate change mitigation and clean energy generation - trump does not believe that any of it matters.

i may circle back to this and add more as it comes up, but i'm hoping that those who are skeptical / discouraged / tired of the white queer-centric discourse on tumblr and twitter can at least process some of this. please feel free to add more articles + points but i'm asking for the sake of this post to please focus on issues that affect people of color.

[atigrado]

i might have flopped with that luka drawing i fear.......

[oceantornadoo]

blue collar!simon riley x f!reader (smut, daddy kink, shenanigans, unedited, 18+)

when he leaves the worksite, there's an itch at the back of his head. it's the voice that occasionally comes and goes, telling him to veer off the road and into that frilly grocery store you like, all the way to the flower section. he picks out the first bouquet he sees, not even processing the signage before making his way to the checkout counter.

"sir?" the worker squeaks out, eyes fidgeting with the computer as she reads him his total. "yeah?" he grunts. "there's a- something on your- yeah, right there." she's pointing to the dust that's settled on his face throughout the day, making itself at home in his pores. all he does is glare, fishing out enough cash to cover the total before snatching his prize and walking out.

when he gets to your flat, it's almost automatic. park, walk, keys, push and- "simon riley, those better not be work boots on my washed floors." fuck, that's what it was. he rewinds, kicking his boots into the waterproof mat you insisted on months ago, when he told you he was moving in with you after his lease ended. when he had to shut up your complaining with his hand snapping your jaw closed and your spine bent over the couch.

"how was your day?" there you are, pretty and tired in your work clothes. he hauls you towards him by the waist, flowers still wrapped in his grip as they get squished between your bodies. "missed you." he murmurs, nosing at your nape as he inhales your clean scent. he marks you like a dog, too feral to care about the dirtiness of his clothes. "are those flowers?" he grunts an affirmative, tossing them on the counter before picking you up to sit next to them. you coo over the colors as he rucks your skirt up, callused hands tracing the softness of your skin. "thinkin' 'bout this cunt all day, pretty." the fabric settles around your waist, enough for him to see the triangle of underwear you picked after he left this morning. you get all shy, trying to close your legs, so he steps closer to prevent you from stealing his prize for all his hard work.

"you should really wash your hands, si." despite your words, you yank off your blouse and unclip your bra, whining when he pauses his touches to look at your tits. "won't use my hands. give us a kiss, dove." before you can open your mouth, he surges forward, hungry. it's wet and saliva drips down your chin as he licks into your mouth, more devouring than a proper kiss. "kept gettin' distracted, thinkin' of the sounds ya make. all those fuckin' whines." you giggle into his mouth, canting your hips to remind him what he came for. he growls, nipping your jaw and trailing downwards to wrap his mouth around a hardened nipple. "don't you wanna- fuck." you pant, clenching around nothing as he pays more attention to your tits than your cunt.

"use yer words, pet." he nips the side of your breast. one of your hands leaves it place on the counter to slide through his hair in an attempt to push him down. "want you to eat me." he hums in appreciation. "you sure? dirty hands, dirty face, love." you huff in frustration and tuck your hands under your skirt, shimmying your underwear down your hips and off.

"please, please, please." you even lift the fabric up so he gets a view of your cunt, wet and wanting. "please, what?" he murmurs, already using those hands of his to spread your legs wider, tits abandoned. you know what he wants, the shame curling low in your belly. it shrivels and dies when he bends lower, huffing warm breaths onto your pretty pussy. "please, daddy?"

he eats you like he's starving.

with a strong grip that's sure to bruise, he keeps you wrenched open under him as he pays attention to where you ache the most. he starts with small kisses, in and around, until you grip his hair and threaten to never fuck him again. then, he finds your hole, winking hello in your desperation. light pushes of his tongue make you clench and ache, heels digging into his back. one hand in his hair and the other on your tits, pinching your nipples to the rhythm that he tonguefucks you too. it's good, but not enough. which he knows.

only once your chest starts heaving does he pay attention to your little clit, desperate to get played with. he sucks and it goes straight to your core. there's a telltale sound of a zipper and you imagine him tugging his cock, dry with no want for comfort, as he pays you the whole of his affections. every ministration gets you a little bit closer to the edge, desire coiling in your core. "my cunt, ya get tha'?" you nod, sucking in a breath as his nose brushes against your clit. "like tha', baby? go'on, do it again." he urges you to grind against his face, flat tongue brushing whatever isn't against his nose. the friction is delicious and your orgasm is suddenly fast approaching. you tug at your nipples in a frenzied manner, nearing the edge with every grind and pinch.

"fuck, si- i'm-" he hums against your pussy, another shock straight to the core. "come, baby. right 'ere." your walls clench with tension and release, your body slackening in his hold as you come. he stands to his full height, one hand rubbing at his cock like you knew he was. "come on, si." he spurts ropes of cum on your tits, painting them white while the aftershocks of your orgasm slow gracefully. it's only when he tucks his cock back into his jeans, no boxers in sight, do you notice it.

"simon riley, are those the new jeans i got you? why are they ripped already?!"

ah, that's why he got the flowers.

-

this idea has been in my drafts forever, im not in love with the output but omg it's done!

my masterlist here

[rafey-baby]

rafe has always been close with his sister...(part two)

c/w: incest, some dubcon touching & a kiss from rafe, both of them are more or less drunk, 18+ mdni!

wc: 1.3k

previous part & moodboard

if this is something u don’t like, scroll & read something else xx

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

It’s well past 3 am when they stumble through the front door— wobbly on their feet and drunkenly giggling about some stupid joke Rafe had muttered while fumbling with the keys. Yet another party her big brother had dragged her into, and if it weren’t for his hands on her hips guiding her upstairs right now, she’d wake up the entire house tumbling down the stairs when she’d inevitably loose her footing.  

“Rafe, m’never going out with you again. Told you I wanted to leave like two hours ago,” she complains the moment they make it to her bedroom; her feet aching and head spinning.   

“‘N she’s complainin’ again. I mean, my apologies for wantin’ to—to show m’little sister a good time,” he huffs, peeling off the shirt that’s beginning to stick to his skin. “Don’t even try t’act like you didn’t have fun.”  

“Well, yeaah, but now m’sooo tired and gross and I need to shower and…” she yawns around the rest of the words; hand on his bicep for balance while she kicks off her shoes. 

“Don’t— don’t need to worry ‘bout that, told you I’d help you out, yeah?” he slurs, already beginning to tug down the zipper of her dress.  

“Nooo…can’t shower yet. Need to take m’makeup off first,” she blabbers, brows pulling together as if he’s just committed some heinous crime, making him roll his eyes before he’s searching through her vanity for makeup remover.  

And despite her drowsy resistance about wanting to shower alone, Rafe manages to drag her into the bathroom (after wiping her face clean) anyway — the thermal water soaking through her fatigued limbs feeling entirely too good for her to push him away when he corners her behind the shower curtain, its printed seashells beginning to twirl against the cream-colored material when she stares at them for too long. 

And she’s almost starting to believe he’s truly doing all of this for altruistic purposes; thoroughly washing her hair for her and making sure to coat the strands with a generous amount of conditioner afterwards.

But when his soapy palms mindlessly glide along the wet skin on her tummy— inching closer and closer towards her tits, she realizes that she was wrong. However, she’s far too out of it to care, and upon noticing the fact, he’s letting his eager paws grope at the squishy flesh; covering them in the foamy shower gel in the process.  

Only when his thumb is smoothing over a sensitive nipple, does she blink away the haziness blurring the lines of what a brother should and shouldn’t do to his sister. And at first, her dozy complaint doesn’t even reach his ears because he’s entirely too focused on the way her tits fit perfectly in the palms of his hands, wondering how it would feel to—  

“Rafe…can you not do that?” she suddenly takes a tentative step back.  

“Hm? Jus’ makin’ sure you feel all nice ‘n clean,” he drawls out, seemingly confused before he’s tugging her closer with a hold on her waist. “Can you wash my hair next?” he pleads; an abrupt attempt to distract her intoxicated brain. 

“I can barely stand and you want me to wash your hair? Can’t even reach your head when you’re a fucking giant.”  

But when he leans down for her, she reluctantly begins to lather the shampoo into his roots— gaining a delighted grunt from the back of his throat when her fingers absentmindedly dig into his scalp. However, with the new position, he’s now eye-level with her tits; soap bubbles and water droplets trickling down the smooth skin, and with his thoughts muddled, he’s unable to resist the allure for very long before he’s gravitating towards them.  

“Rafe, stoop,” she stumbles backwards when she feels the flat of his tongue laving over the valley of her breasts.

“M’sorry.” But he doesn’t seem all that sorry, not when he looks up at her under his lashes, offering her an inebriated grin— something nauseating coiling in her belly in response.  

- - - - - - - - - -

When they finally make it out of the shower, he insists on patting her dry, the foggy mirror saving her the absolute mortification of having to watch her brother’s eyes skim across the expanse of her bare skin during the unnecessarily long process.  

“Let me take care of m’favorite sister, yeah?” he croons when he’s tugging down the hem of her sleep shirt afterwards — a shirt that just so happens to be stolen from him, the worn fabric apparently softer than anything of her own.  

She’s unsure as to why he’s suddenly being so nice, but she’s not exactly complaining when his uncharacteristically gentle fingertips daub her face with her night cream when they sit down on her bed— making sure to rub the moisturizer into her forehead as well. And she thinks he almost looks cute like this; brows furrowed in concentration, flicking her nose with a sleepy smile when he’s finished.   

“That smells so fuckin’ good,” he groans after applying a layer of chapstick to her lips; his heady gaze fixed on the action of her rubbing them together, something she’s too dozy to notice.

“I know, right? I looove anything vanilla-scented,” she gushes over the product while placing the rest of the skincare on her nightstand.  

“Can I— uh, try it?” his question sounds innocent enough, but she should know better.  

“Of course,” the naive girl fully expects him to uncap the lip balm once more but instead, he’s suddenly grabbing her jaw into his massive hands and pressing his mouth against hers— swallowing her surprised squeak before she’s quickly pulling away.   

“Rafe, you promised you weren’t gonna do that anymore,” she whines, but the way her button-eyes blink up at him — the betrayal so tangible — lures him in to do it again; smearing their mouths together with a satisfied hum before she’s shoving at his shoulder.  

“Ray, m’serious, it was one time,” she lets out an annoyed huff.  

“Calm down, m’lips were jus’ dry, alright?”  

“You could’ve just— nevermind, m’too tired for this right now,” her attempts at putting some much needed space between them prove to be futile when he just follows her under the covers— acting as if he doesn’t hear her muttering how he should sleep in his own bed for a change.  

“Listen, m’sorry, okay? Don’t like when you’re mad at me,” he ignores her protests and nestles his face into her neck, nose soon nudging her throat and eliciting a somnolent giggle from her. 

“Ray, stop. You’re being annoying,” she tries to swat his hands away when his fingers suddenly begin to poke and prod at her sides because he knows how ticklish she is.  

“Yeah? Tell me you forgive me then.” 

Involuntary laughter bubbles from her chest when she shakes her head and squirms in his arms— desperately trying to wriggle away, but he’s much stronger and she’s no match. And when she grows even louder, he’s forced to slap his palm over her mouth to muffle the noise.

“Shut up, Sarah’s gonna wake up ‘n tell dad we were out late again,” he hisses, suddenly remembering how his other sister is sleeping on the other side of the wall, nonetheless continuing his attack when she attempts to escape once more.

“Stop tickling me then,” she manages out between fits of laughter, uncomfortably writhing in his hold because she hates when he does this. However, she quickly realizes he’s not planning on stopping anytime soon, and the feeling is quickly turning into something unbearable, more or less forcing her to finally let out a sigh in defeat. “Okay, okay, I forgive you— whatever, jus’ let me sleep.” 

His breathy chuckle fans the expanse of her neck before he finally relents, but when she tries to shift away from him, he merely tucks her closer against his naked chest; large palm slipping under the hem of her shirt to splay over the expanse of her stomach to keep her right where she is.

“Don’t move,” he murmurs into her hair, tone suddenly desperate, needy. It makes her swallow around the knotted coil in her throat before she reluctantly gives up altogether— entirely too exhausted to put up a fight when sleep is already dragging her into its dreamy embrace and she feels so warm like this.

[h00f]

T4TM (Theseus4TheMinotaur)

lost wax cast bronze, patina & paste wax

2023

(process photos & info under cut <3)

my minotaur boy!! pls click on the photos for higher res! my thesis is focusing on trans men and creatures (how original ik) and this was last semester's final. i spent a lot of time looking at sculptures of the theseus/minotaur story, and yknow? a LOT of them are erotic! i'm pretty sure i saw some of them on tumblr a decade ago, and that's led to this now!

as you'll notice, the minotaur has a big t-dick! i wanted to give him breasts and an enlarged clitoris to present a very masculine trans figure. the boy on the bottom is also trans because i say so . the piece is about looking up to older, bigger, hairier trans men and seeing something awe-inspiring and beautiful. the minotaur was locked up by a cruel father for being different, and i think modern adaptations tend towards a sympathetic asterion (his name in one version)

making this piece was. so much effort. it took me about 3 months to get it all together - from clay model (plasticine) to 3D print to silicone mold to wax cast, and finally bronze pour into the shell mold. and then a TON of filing, sanding, dremel-ing, and various other metalworking techniques that probably took years off my life.

i started with sketches and made theeeeeee ugliest model ever:

then used a 3D scanner to get it digital, then spent a goooood month or two making him pretty in blender! then i spent an agonizing few weeks trying to get it print-ready, and fiiiiiinally did

^^^ an early resin printed draft of the model - you can see in the final that i added lots to theseus after some feedback, but sadly the nosering broke off every time i cast it so i just. let that be <3

then came the moldmaking, and then the wax dipping!! the yellow stuff is shell mold (ground up ceramic bits and algae soup, sticks to the wax, then silica sand in varying sizes on top) which gets the wax melted out, and bronze poured in!

then it's all metalworking, cutting stuff off, and working with hot metal. they don't tell you about all the bronze dust and how annoying it gets wearing a respirator AND goggles. but it is for me health, me boy. here's him all cleaned up before the patina:

and then i spray him down with various chemicals to make it "patina" (aka rust) in pretty colors. wait a few days, then apply paste wax to seal it and give it that shine!

then we get what you see above!!! the blue was actually unintentional, and i'm still not super sure why it looks that way.. but it's pretty so idc <3

thanks for reading!! if you ever have any bronze/casting questions, don't hesitate to message me! <3

[adventures-in-amirite]

Blog FAQ

What is Amirite?

Amirite is a non-natural material found in the grasses of urban areas not limited to basketball courts, soccer fields, and playgrounds. In its raw form, it is shaped like a hollow cylinder with ridged sides and an open chamber, or in a raised ring shape. It comes in a variety of colors, but most commonly translucent, black, green, and orange. Raw amirite is best harvested early Monday mornings after a hot weekend in the summer. The raw material is processed, separated by color, and then re-combined into a conglomerate material.

What are you doing with your specimens of Amirite?

Amirite has a low melting point and can be melted down and reformed many, many times before it becomes unworkable. It does not become liquid, but a tacky substance that can be pushed into molds. It can be formed, sanded, and polished to create trinkets, charms, and other things.

Why work with Amirite?

Large deposits of amirite can become a nuisance to wildlife. Because it floats, it can be found in waterways and sometimes inside of fish who think that it is food. Amirite is not a digestible substance and can create blockages for wildlife that attempt to eat them. It can be broken down by UV radiation and can shed into the soil.

I live in an area with large deposits of amirite, and part of my job is to remove it. My location does not have the resources to safely dispose of amirite. I felt that while it is a common pollutant, its ability to be reformed and handled safely using household appliances seemed an interesting experiment.

If its a pollutant, how is it safe to handle?

Amirite only breaks down after prolonged exposure to UV radiation. Getting the material out of the sun is my first priority. Once its safely out of the sun and out of the way of animals that might eat it, there is no danger to handling amirite- and in fact it is found in many household items.

Okay, ha-ha, this has all been very funny. But what is amirite really?

Its plastic bottle caps. People leave their trash on the sports fields and its part of my job to clean up after them. It annoyed me a lot. But when I found out that they could be easily melted and reformed, I was incentivized to clean the parks more thoroughly. I have collected hundreds of them and I am slowly making a lot of beads and charms with them. I am being very silly about this, but if it gets people to think about how they leave their trash in public spaces, then its pretty serious. Because people do completely miss the trash can, amirite?

[firewasabeast]

The Kid Isn’t Okay

a little bucktommy fic. tags: mcd, grief, hurt/comfort. read below or on ao3.

Buck had stopped crying by the time they brought out Bobby’s body. Those final words kept repeating in his mind, a reminder of what he needed to do and who he needed to be.

He passed by Tommy without a word. Got in the rig and drove it back to the 118.

B shift was already there. The place was quiet. Everyone stared. No one asked questions.

He went straight to his locker, grabbed a change of clothes, and headed for the showers.

He cleaned the day off of him. Washed away the sweat, the dirt, the dried tears.

Once he had changed, he picked up his duffel, dug out his keys, and made a beeline for his car.

His phone buzzed. He had a missed call and text from Maddie, a text from Tommy too. He replied to Maddie first.

Gonna head home for a bit. I’ll be at the hospital later. Text me if you need anything.

He looked at Tommy’s message next. A simple question. Evan, are you okay?

He took a deep breath. His hand shook. He squeezed it into a fist until it stopped.

He answered.

I’m okay. Thank you for your help today. Sorry if I got you in too much trouble. If you need me to talk to someone, let me know.

He dropped his phone into the passenger seat and he drove home. He ignored the sounds of more messages coming through.

*****

Buck didn’t remember Eddie until he walked into his house.

He answered on the third ring. “Buck? Why are you calling me right now? What’s wrong?”

Buck didn’t even know the time. Could have been two in the morning, maybe six. He wasn’t sure.

“Bobby,” he breathed out.

Silence on the other end of the line.

Buck checked to make sure the call hadn’t dropped.

“When?” Eddie asked.

“Tonight. Not… Not long ago. It’s- everyone else is okay. Chim and Hen are in the hospital but they’ll be fine. Ravi’s alright. Just… it’s just Bobby.”

“Okay.” A pause. Eddie cleared his throat. “I’ll get the earliest flight.”

“There’s no plans yet or anything,” Buck told him. “I- no one knows when the service will be.”

“I wanna be there anyway. Buck, are… how are you?”

“I’m alright.”

“Buck-”

“No, I… Really, Eddie. I’m okay. Let me know when your flight gets in.”

He hung up before Eddie could get in another word.

*****

He took Jee the next day, so Maddie could spend a little extra time at the hospital.

“She can stay here with me, Buck,” Maddie whispered, Chimney sleeping nearby. “I brought crayons and coloring books. She’ll be fine.”

“No, I know. But a kid doesn’t wanna sit in a hospital room all day, and you need to be here with Chim.” He looked down at Jee, who was holding onto his hand, waiting to go. “We’ll have a good day, won’t we Jee?”

“Yeah!”

“Yeah, we will!”

Maddie smiled at Jee, the smile fading when she glanced back up at Buck. “I’ll pick her up on my way home. I’ll probably leave around five.”

“No problem. She can stay the night if you need her to.”

Maddie reached out to give Buck’s arm a squeeze. “Are you sure about this, Evan? You really don’t have to. I know-”

“I’m okay, Maddie,” he interrupted. “I promise. Now Jee and I have some ice cream to go eat, don’t we Jee?”

“Oh! Yes!”

“Alright, say bye to your mom and we’ll go.”

Jee wrapped her arms around Maddie’s waist, giving her a hug. “Love you.”

“Love you too, Baby. Be good for Uncle Buck, okay?”

“Oh, she will,” Buck guaranteed with a smile. “We’ll have a great day.”

*****

Buck took his place at the head of Bobby’s casket. The weight of it was lighter than he expected, even when sharing it with five others.

He went through the motions at the procession. Stared at the firetruck in front of him as he and everyone else took each solemn step.

He didn’t look in Tommy’s direction.

Could feel him staring though. Could feel his eyes burning a hole into his head.

He focused on the task at hand.

Focused on getting Bobby to his final resting place.

It needed to be perfect.

Bobby deserved that.

His plot at the cemetery was a great location. A large tree overhead to provide shade. He’d have a big gravestone soon, engraved to show just how much his people cared for him.

There would be a bench too. Somewhere to sit when his family came to visit.

Buck stood there as they lowered him into the ground. Kept standing there until he could hear familiar footsteps coming up behind him.

Tommy.

He moved then. Avoiding a conversation that wasn’t needed.

The cemetery was nice.

Buck was okay with it.

*****

The 118 and Tommy were all gathered in a huddle at the reception, telling stories that no one else could understand. They’d joke, laugh for a bit, and then the bitter reminder of why they were there would spring up again.

“I keep thinking about it,” Eddie said between sips of his beer. “I should have been here.”

Hen shook her head. “Be glad you weren’t.”

“I just keep thinking, if I had been there then maybe… maybe it would’ve been different. Maybe Cap would still be here.”

Tommy, who had been keeping an eye on Buck all day, noticed an instant shift. His eyes lost focus, his finger tapping at the cup in his hand.

He took a silent step back, then another, before turning and walking away from the group.

Tommy followed.

“Evan,” he said, trying to get his attention without drawing anyone else’s. “Evan.” He jogged a couple of steps to reach him, planting a hand on his shoulder. “Evan?”

Buck stopped, turned. “What’s up?”

“It wasn’t a slight at you.”

“I dunno what you’re talking about.”

There was a light missing from his eyes. A void in its place. He was looking at Tommy, but Tommy didn’t feel like he was seeing him.

“Evan.” He moved closer, making sure no one was close enough to listen. “You did everything you could. Nothing and no one would have changed the outcome.”

Buck’s eyebrows furrowed. “I know that.”

“Evan.”

“I’m fine, Tommy,” Buck said defensively, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. “I’m going to get something to eat. Is that okay with you?”

Tommy’s shoulders dropped, lips in a tight line. “I just wanted to check on you, Evan. That’s all. I’m, um, I’m gonna be heading out in a minute.”

“Okay, well, I’m good here. Thanks for, uh, for all you did. See ya.” He was walking away before he finished the sentence, before Tommy could fully register the words coming out of his mouth.

Tommy left the reception ten minutes later. He couldn’t help but notice the empty parking spot where Evan’s car once was.

*****

A knock on his door had Buck rushing out from the bathroom. He hadn’t been home long. Had just gotten changed after a quick shower.

His hair was still damp, skin still warm from the water.

He wasn’t sure who could be on the other side. Maybe Maddie, wondering why he left so quickly. Maybe Eddie changed his mind about staying at the hotel another night.

What he didn’t expect was for Tommy to be standing there, a deep look of concern on his face.

“Wh- What are you-”

“I wanted to check on you,” he said, breezing past Buck as he walked into the house, uninvited.

Buck swung the door shut, then turned to him. “I told you earlier that I was fine.”

“I know what you said,” Tommy replied with a curt nod. “I just don’t believe you.”

Buck crossed his arms over his chest. “I don’t really care what you be-”

“I saw you, when you were still in that building. I saw you break down in the hall.”

Buck sucked in a breath. He tried to play it off. “You should go.”

“I know how you’re really feeling," Tommy pushed, "and I know you’re not okay."

“Tommy, stop.”

“You’re shielding yourself from everyone and everything. You’re not allowing yourself to feel, Evan. This isn’t you. I know it’s not you.”

“He told me that I’d be okay!” Buck yelled suddenly, face becoming red with anger. Tears stung his eyes. “He told me they would need me! Said I’d be okay! He said that!”

“Oh, Evan-”

“No, I can’t!” He held up his hands in surrender. “I don’t need your sympathy, Tommy. I don’t need anything. I just need to be strong for them. I’m fine.”

Tommy stepped closer, stopping when Buck moved back to maintain distance. “Evan,” he started, voice calm and steady. “When people are… when they’re dying, they tell us what they think we need to hear. They tell us what they want for us. And sometimes, we can cling to that a little too tightly.”

“You don’t-”

“My mom. I was twelve, and I’ll never forget her telling me to keep my head up and not to cry for her. Evan, I- I know that Bobby wants you to be okay. Of course he does. And I know you want to be strong. But that’s not all you have to be. You’re allowed to be upset, you’re allowed to cry, or get mad, or need somebody. That’s not weakness. That’s love. You loved him, and he loved you. You’re allowed to hurt.”

Buck stood, silent, hands on his hips, eyes aimed towards the ground.

Tommy sighed. “Sorry. I- Sorry, Evan. I’ll go.”

As Tommy walked passed him, heading for the door, Buck reached his hand out, grabbing onto Tommy’s.

Tommy froze.

“He told me he loved me.”

“Evan.”

“He was th- the father I never had and I… I just… I- I-” his voice broke, his lip trembled, and the dam burst. He fell into Tommy, who barely managed to catch him and bring them gently to the ground. “I’m n- not okay, Tommy,” he wailed, barely able to suck in a breath. He clutched onto Tommy’s sleeve, tears soaking through his shirt. “I’m not okay, I’m not okay.”

“I know, I know,” Tommy soothed, holding Buck as close as he could.

“It h- hu… hurts so bad.”

“I know it does. It’s okay.”

“Please, T- Tommy, please d- don’t leave. I need... I need-”

“I’m not going anywhere, Evan,” Tommy promised. “I’m here. I’m staying.”