#Welp time for me to go to sleep.
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sif is almost just as mentally stable as me
#i was like. nah im not gonna draw more for now. welp. didnt work out#ive been scared of posting art recently and i really procrastinated with posting that odile pic (i made that like two weeks ago)#but like. might as well post it. i guess. oumngsmnnnn anguish noises#siffrin just like me recently (recently as in: the past seven years)#anyway#in stars and time#isat#no spoilers i think. just general Siffrin Being Mentally Unstable#isat siffrin#isat odile#drawinsometimez#im going to sleep goodinght
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What the fuck was that
X-men nation I don’t feel so good
Send help
Edit: Erik’s probably fine btw, no corpse means no death. I hope.
#xmen 97#xmen#NOOOOOOOOOO#ROGUE WHAT THE SHIT#ERIIIIIIK#A-#WHA-#HUHH???#i don’t even know what to say#HOW DO WE WAIT A WHOLE WEEK#EMOTIONAL DAMAGE#AT ITS WORST#NOBODY WARNED ME ABOUT THIS#WHY IS IT ALWAYS THE GAYS#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#CHERIK NATION DONT LOSE HOPE#but more importantly#GAMBIIIIIIIIIIIIT NOOOOOOOOOOOO#LIKE NO WAY#NO HES FINE HES JUST SLEEPING#HES SLEEPING#VERY TIRED#SUPER SLEEPY#anyone who says otherwise is wrong#welp time to pretend like none of this ever happened and go back to my hole underground#magneto#erik lensherr#rogue#gambit#remy lebeau
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You know, when I kept getting asked "so you didn't ever have severe pains before now?" in the hospital and I kept replying "I have a high pain tolerance" I meant it. However, there is only so much pain my tiny 4'9" body can hold... (aka I am sweating and in agony bc I'm getting told to use LESS severe pain meds so I don't rely on them too much and it is AWFUL)
#moe talks a lot#i was shaking earlier and despite the fact i sound like im gonna cry#and the fact that my mom can pick out im about to cry from pain bc im trying to take less pain meds#LIKE MY MOM IS INSTRUCTING ME TO DO#shes like well why arent you taking any pain meds#BECAUSE THERE ARE TWO AVAILABLE OPTIONS AND ON A SIX HOUR TIMER#i cant take both at once or else what happens to me if i hurt before the six hours is up#i have to manage them in a way that allows me to benefit from both and being told im doing it wrong#after being told well its your fault it got so bad because you never complained about pain before#YEAH NO JOKE? REALLY? I NEVER DID? because everyone acts like im too young to feel that kinda pain#oh youre hurting? just wait until youre older#and its currently agony to breathe again but that i guess is also my fault bc im trying to use pain meds#holy moly i just want to not get dizzy standing up cause wow dang#sure would be nice if the multiple incisions in my stomach didnt THROB every time i sneezed or coughed or cleared my throat#but since i didnt use much pain meds before because i would be mocked for being too much of a baby its like#welp damn now i could really use some and im being called out for being too reliant#anyway time to sleep more because that means im not noticing my pain#im literally smaller than most children and so i do understand my body size makes people worried about the medication intake#but can i please just go a day without being asked how much im taking or when i last took it or if im gonna cry#anyway sorry for the excessive rant today never really had surgery or anything so this is brand spankin new suffering
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i miss her…
#cant believe i forgot about her till the photobook q&a im so sorry witch mona~~~~~~~#press f for honeypre atelier gachas it was gone too soon™️#(currently e x t r e m e l y worried and stressed for tomorrow like never before b u t i have to appear like im fine sobs save me monachann)#(can i go on a stress-prompted tangent here about something inane? no? toooo bad im gonna go off anyway~~~~)#ok so. like. since witch mona is the image i have up ‘ere and since it’s still 七月… today’s tangent will be on irl spooky stories!!#s o. presenting a decently repressed memory from my childhood that resurfaced while i was hibernating at home:#anyways. well. thoughts about the afterlife can vary from person to person yes? there’s no one true correct belief after all#but the one question that unites us all is probably the one and only ‘are ghosts real?’#and well. for personal reasons i think so. i mean i’ve seen this one dude i hate get possessed a couple of times so welp. cant deny it ig.#wild story about that actually. back in the day my family’s finances were allegedly doing so badly that [dude i hate] had to pick up#a *c e r t a i n* side hustle for extra cash. that side hustle? literal grave digging at the cemetary. at night no less#and *ofc* he wasn’t respectful about it in the least so ofc some spirits followed him home. yay. free roommates.#one(?) of them even took residence in my room at the time and im 80% sure they ate my history textbook :( much sads#anyways well once that guy had too much to drink (which was rather often tbh) he’d get possessed. fun!#the only possession i ever saw was the n-rarity angry ghost who’d just huff and puff in silence with unfocused eyes most of the time#he’d occasionally put on a leather jacket too. but that was like a r-rarity event that didn’t happen that often#my mother had the chance to also witness the mosquito (who tried to barge into my room for fresh blood) and the 姑娘 (self-explanatory)#which is kinda unfair tbh. i wanted to see the ur-rarity ones too :( mostly bc it’d be funny to see a guy i hate act ooc (impure intentions)#oh right. how did we get the dude out of his possession? we just shook his arm really hard. prolly caused some lasting effects but who know#i think he could also just sleep off the possession but idk i was asleep for the ur-rarity incidents.#cant ask the one witness of it bc i dont want to bring back unnecessary flashbacks of [guy we hate]#anyways it’s been years since we moved out from that place and i still want my history textbook back. mostly for the principle of it but—#and so that’s the tangent of the day. i feel weirdly less stressed now thanks witch mona#i do wonder how my grandparents are faring on this 七月 though…#b u t !!!!! tomorrow’s date on the lunar calendar says it’s an auspicious day for wishful activity and starting a new job!!! so… maybe~~~~?#hauauauauauauauuauaaaaaa anyways insane tangent over stream mona’s new album ok bye#oops forgor to disable rbs i hate how easy it is to forget to use this function man
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I cannot see Reigen wearing anything besides office attire or tracksuits idk I just feel like he has a really boring closet, he dresses like a dad (no offense to dads who actually know how to dress i just haven't met one as of yet)
This man SCREAMS birkenstocks and socks with sandals, even Serizawa would dress better I feel
He's spent so much time stuck in his room doing nothing, I wouldn't say its out of the question that he has a Pinterest inspiration board for outfits
But he doesn't really think to explore that aspect until Toichiro is gone and he gets a taste of real freedom and independence
Man maybe that's the thing, Reigen's identity is so performative I don't think he's spent that much time thinking about how he dresses
He doesn't need to think about how to express himself when the self he presents to the world is fake anyway
He has no friends, doesn't speak to his family, when you're deeply lonely you don't think about clothes, you're not using them for anything besides work and grocery shopping so who cares?
Get this man some therapy then walk him through a mall or something, he needs it (the thought of him wearing that vest outfit more than once severely pains me)
#dau bacul in mai putin de 24h but i decide to spend my time discussing Reigens fashion sense WHATRE U DOING DUMBASS GO TO SLEEP#anyway idk clothes were a big part of me discovering myself i think theyre interestings ways to explore that aspect of a character#ofc this is headcanon not analysis but its still fun#thats what 90% of my posts are. headcanon requires less brain and its fun too. a win-win#mp100#mob psycho 100#cine te a intrebat#arataka reigen#i have only read this once if this doesnt make sense in the morning then WELP
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Social media is kinda twisted and it's scary to realize how it warps everything around it
#i think ive gotten pretty good at controlling my social media habits except the entire fact i log in in the first place#embarrassing...#im not even gonna lie i get scared deep down#of being alone and not having the small bit of interaction and going crazy 😧#i think my habit of going to sleep with YouTube comes from this (though i kicked this habit and i don't do it anymore)#I'm scared to be alone when i go to sleep bc i don't know what's even gonna happen tomorrow#so i try to stick to comfort which is listening to a person talk#its insane how much time i wasted on sns and it has given me nothing except anxiety and self hatred and shame and guilt#let's be real at the end of the day what awaits me if i turn off the internet would make most people want to kill themselves#welp#still i try to kick the habit (unsuccessful so far)
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i hate when i get incredibly fixated on something in the middle of the night because i CAN research it and i CAN talk to my friends about it but IM SO FUCKING SLEEPU GODDAMN THE PERSON WHO DECIDED TO KEEP ME U-oh. wait.
#there isnt a point to this post im just tired and my brains fixating on thoughts of like#what if half life homestuck#what is gordon freeman's fuckin.. uhhhhhhhhhhhhh classpect#how would a half life mspfa go#all things running thru my head at a millio n miles an hour but im so eepy because i got caffeine high from chugging cherry water flavourin#i was chugging it because it makes a good snack while drawing (ive been drawing my other fixation [pokemon])#actually wait. i still have like half the thing of it#welp time to get ont he second caff high#so i can hopefully stay awake from now to at least 8 pm tomorrow and head to sleep#anyways if uhhhhhhhhhh#if you wanna tell me about your thoughts on a half life homestuck thing or if it already exists please do tell me#i NEED to know
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HOW IS EPISODE FOUR WORSE THE SECOND TIME AROUND??
#sobs#I was dreading it the whole time#and it hit so hard#auuugh that episode#it’s so angsty#and the way it casts its shadow over the entire just GETS TO ME#*season*#that feeling of helplessness is palpable#and then the way ed changes that helplessness into power at the end#THE FEELS#I think the show is even better the second watch#just because I get to see all the foreshadowing and connections#welp guess I’m going to bed now#nothing like some intense angst before going to sleep right?#trin rambles#fma#fmab
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snacking on sour gummy worms. kind of just dumps some into his palm and like, smooshes them against ryder's mouth like he's bringing them up to a barn animal's mouth. he's keeping you nourished ryder 💜
Ryder had quickly discovered the other man's affinity for sweets.
Just a couple of hours ago, they had been at the closest twenty four hour grocery store to pick up a few snacks. It was the only thing that Ryder could think to do when the little jabs of pain that shot through his chest every time he moved kept him from falling asleep. The plan was to get some snacks, stop by the section that had pain meds that would hopefully work, and maybe pick up anything else that had caught their attention. Except they had spent a good five minutes in the candy section while Kurjak dumped a concerning amount of bags of sweets into the cart.
But, in the spirit of ten PM grocery runs, Ryder did not question it all that much.
The pair had settled on the living room couch once they were back at his apartment. All the lights off aside from one in the kitchen to give a faint glow at the corner of the room — The only other source of light being the TV playing some nature documentary about the Great Barrier Reef that he had found. Neither of them had really spoken once they had settled. Ryder had found some way to sprawl out on the couch that didn't hurt too much.
He probably could have started to nod off like that. If not for the sudden sensation of something being shoved against his mouth. Eyebrows furrowed together, green hues blinking back into focus as he drew back slightly to glance toward Kurjak. "Dude," he muttered as if that would communicate anything. Was he still reaching a hand out to grab some of the gummy worms between his fingers to drop into his mouth on his own? Yeah.
#kurjaks#( have this i guess ; answered. )#i refused to go to bed before responding to this so <3#i guess it's either the night of or around when ryder gets hurt to save kurjak#because him not being able to sleep because every position irritates the wound so he's just like 'welp ... wanna go to walmart with me?'#to fucking waste time until he's sleep deprived enough to pass out despite the pain and such
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🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸
#welp#time to drag myself back up from a low again#this time it will involve lots of sleep *muscles emoji*#pray for me if you like?#I'm logging out until Sunday#doing good things like laundry and talking to humans#going to the library to check on the status of my volunteer application (it's been one and a half weeks and no update)#(I'm nervous aaaa)#Also I'll probably be going to school on Saturday to practice throwing + maybe putter around in the studio a bit#that'd be nice :)
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7S9X6V4JB2M9
KBRE7D4KA2MM
9ARE6VLJT34H
ur welcome
chewing on ur head in gratitude rn
#omg a convo !?#mutuals !!#PICK EM UP WHILE THEYRE STILL UP EVERYONE !!#also asks will be answered tmrw most likely since i have like... sm energy but also no energy#maybe its the runnning on 1 hour of sleep doing things to me#oh welp. time to catch up on the livestream and go crazy insane over my beloved baizhu <33
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Fuck, and I repeat, fuck exploding head syndrome >:(
#aaaaaa it's half 2 in the morning whyyy#doesn't help that every single time my brain goes 'welp that's a nuke'#no brain it's you. it's *you*#stuff#the problem I now have is that if I try to sleep again there's a high chance it's going to happen again#and the anticipation of noise keeps me awake#the one good thing: it does have a badass sounding name though
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Can God translate me. Just for like 3-5 business days. I just need a little break—I’ll come back I promise.
#al speaks#lds things#help I am so tired. I can’t do it anymore I just can’t#it’s too much. it’s all too much.#it’s fine it’s not like I have to miss my mission reunion tomorrow cuz no one can take my shift cuz we are all overworked#that’s fine I didn’t even want to go to that anyways. it’s not like it would have been nice to see my mission president and his wife#who live in the uk and are coming to the us for this. no that’s fine#also chill that I probably have to cancell on my friends on seeing the new dnd movie Saturday night cuz of other things. that’s chill too#I love never hanging out with my friends it rocks#oh I can’t go home to see my family Easter weekend cuz I work? welp luckily I don’t miss them and have a weird homesickness I’ve never felt#before plus a really weird and new anxiety that my dad is going to die. dunno what that’s about#anyways tried to go to bed at ten tonight cuz I’m so tired. three hours later and I’m here. I have spiraled three difeeebt times#this is cool I didn’t want or need the sleep anyways. I don’t have a paper due Saturday that I thought was in two weeks cuz I’m an idiot#also I’m not at all stressed out about money especially after paying my roommate over one thousand buckarinos to fix a scratch I gave her ca#r this is all cool and fine and awesome#but seriously tho god. hit me up. I know I gotta come back but I could seriously just use a couple days
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wakefulness comes with a ✨price✨
#still can’t believe my bro actually rented a car just to drag me out of bed… granted it was on my dime but. smh#he’s a decent driver though. napping in the backseat was quite comfortable#still can’t believe my family tbh lmao. i told them many times that all i wanted to do today was to sleep#b u t they had somehow latched on to a passing remark i made like over a month or so ago about wanting to eat burgers from a certain place…#‘it only comes once a year; you can sleep after you leave your job on friday—’ they said… so welp.#man. at least i got good food and a few new plushies out of it. so it wasn’t all that bad… i think#either way i’m truly grateful to my mother and bro for everything. don’t tell them though; it’s embarrassing#u m. anyway. i guess i’ll finally have time to resume idol sengen after i’ve caught up on sleep?#i’m gonna try to zoom through the next 2 vols before mona’s album comes out s o. well. um. i’ll do my very best!!!!!#remind me to make the masterpost thing free for rbing once im done with it bc. y e a h.#anyways!! gn!! i gotta go fill up some forms or something before i forget lol. have a great week ahead!!!#l o r d i just realised i forgot to off rbs again aaaaaaa my memory is getting worse with age frrrrrr
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i have nowhere else to complain about this so you're all getting it but man oh man do i wish i could sleep normally. im never tired when i need to be and i struggle falling asleep every single night and its like no matter what i do nothing changes ive been on like 5 different medications now and nothing fucking HELPS and i feel like ive got a target on my back at work and i havent been able to write in what feels like weeks and UGH i feel myself falling into a deep pit of despair which sucks because I HAVE SHIT TO DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
#in neg city#I HAVE TWO SECRET SANTAS IM HOSTING THAT I CANT BACK OUT OF I NEED TO CREATE AND I NEED TO DO IT /NOW/#i think putting the pressure on myself is also stifling my ability to do anything and its like. welp! nothing i can do about that man!#i cant back out of my own thing I MADE IT HAPPEN I MADE IT REAL. AND I REALLY WANT THE GIFTS IM GETTING FROM PEOPLE#which means ive gotta suck it up and hunker down and just make something#and i need to do it soon bc im not going to have time in november or december due to trips!!!!#PLUS THEYRE DUE IN DECEMBER#my problem is both ideas i have are Big and are going to require time to block out and make real#and i know what ur thinking 'mich make them smaller' I HAVE NO IDEAS OTHERWISE#THIS IS ALL I HAVE#anyways the not sleeping thing isnt fun. i do sleep Eventually but it never feels like enough#i constantly feel tired esp at work which sucks bc if my boss catches me falling asleep again i think she will just straight up fire me#octobers almost over and im scared (thumbs up emoji)
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Fucking exhausted from my grocery shop today and dad drops that all the fuckin work i did clearing shit on monday/tuesday that he SAID needed to be done "as soon as possible" aka THAT DAY when i was ALREADY SUPER FATIGUED is FUCKINGGGGG USELESSSSSSS
i am. Pure rage.
#my fatigue has been so fucking bad my health is getting worse my POTS is getting worse i've had such bad side effects of this fuckin meds#i could have fuckin used the energy i WASTED on that fuckin cleaning#I'D FEEL LESS SHITTY TODAY IF I HADNT DONE THAT SHIT#MY SLEEP CYCLE WOULDNT BE SO FUCKRD#i am trying not to have a melt/shutdown and i am trying not to cry with pure frustration#if you dont want to fuckin clean it say that dont fuckin indirectly blame me#christ i cant keep up with life what the fuck am i supposed to do#welp shutdown incoming ha ha#not only that but being proud of myself for smth and then having the rug yanked out from under me is a huge trigger#so not only was i already burned out snd exhausted i'm now massively triggered bc that thing i was somewhat proud of#has proved to be a massive waste of time and effort and energy and it's like having that achievement torn away from me#awesome. great. fuck i wish i had some weed#honestly i should have asked to go into the psych ward in june instead of july. sigh.#gonna be not-funny funny when my psych asks how im doing and i get to tell her between the last appt and admittance i've struggled with#active suicidal feelings ~3+ times ha ha#and then no doubt someone will say “at least you didnt attempt” yeah well thats only bc i'm scared of failing and being more disabled#the second i'm too distraught to worry abt that it's fuckin over for me bitches#anyway i would like to die in my sleep#maybe i stop the blood pressure meds and hope for a heart attack
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