#Welp some old crushes have come back to live in my heart and soul and who am I to deny them a place to stay

[bunniesbearsandadventures]

🌋👓🦠🥼🌋👓🦠🥼🌋👓🦠🥼🌋👓🦠🥼

Science Husbands Love me please and save me. . .

[atlafan]

The Real Him - One Shot

a/n: I’m not sure where this came from...a lot of this is sort of how I feel about writing, and reading, and how my brain works???? Hope you enjoy cause it’s fun! Book Writer!Harry x Y/N (not proofread) 

Words: 9.6K

Warnings: Fluff, wee bit of angst, and smut

Books weren’t things Y/N found interesting. She hated reading the assigned books in high school for whatever English classes she had to take. She often would just read what she needed on Sparknotes, and that was enough. Then, in college, even if she wanted to read for leisure, she didn’t have the time. She had to read articles and academic journals constantly. By the time she was done for the day, the last thing she wanted to do was read.

Now, as a young adult living in the city, she noticed her anxiety was always worse at night. She lived alone in a little studio apartment, it had a wonderful view. She would watch TV or scroll on her phone until she fell asleep, but the screens were too much for her eyes. She knew it wasn’t good for her. Much to her friends’ shock, she texted them asking them for book recommendations. Y/N didn’t want to think too hard, she didn’t like scary stories, but she also liked a little bit of world building and romance. Fuck, if there was anything she loved, it was a good romance. Her friends told her about this young author they discovered whose stories were enthralling.

She took their word for it, and ordered one of his books off his website. He was self-published, which she found to be interesting. How good could he be if a major publication didn’t want him? She trusted her friends’ opinions though, so she went with it. He had this series called, The Unicorn in the Farmer’s Pool, that they raved about. She told herself she’d start with the first one and see how it goes. Sometimes Y/N had a hard time concentrating to even read a book, so she didn’t want to buy too many.

The title of the book itself was odd, but when she read the description she understood. Apparently, it was about this young woman, new to town, who was going for a walk with her younger sister, and one day they come across this beautiful old home and large farm. There was a pool in the back with one of those big unicorn floats, which they both found odd. They see the farmer outside, and the woman inquires about it. He explains that it’s his daughter’s. He and his wife were divorced, and she moved out to the city. Unfortunately, she passed away, so his little girl came home to live with him.

It was a certified slow burn, so when it came in the mail, Y/N couldn’t wait to get her hands on it. There was only one picture of the author, Harry Styles, on his website. The book, however, had a lovely picture of him on it. He even named his publication company after himself, trademarking HES Books. He was handsome, there was no denying that.

“Alright, let’s see how well this guy knows how to write thing from the perspective of a woman.” She says as she settles into her bed with the book.

For the first time in a long time, Y/N found a book that she just couldn’t put down. Sure, she passed out with it on her chest, but she’d get right back to it the next night. She was ripping through it. Her heart would race anytime the farmer and the woman had a scene together. She cried when he spoke about his divorce, and how he never slept knowing his daughter was so far away. He’d never wish his ex-wife ill, but he felt like it was fate to have his daughter home. He’d give her anything she wanted, even a giant unicorn float for the pool. Something she couldn’t have in the city. His daughter would paint his nails glittery colors, and he didn’t give a shit what anyone else thought of it. Y/N could feel her heart pounding as the woman slowly fell for him. They became fast friends but it was clear they wanted more, but they were both so scared.

“Oh, you son of a bitch.” She says to herself when she gets to the end of the book, it was a cliffhanger. They hadn’t even gotten together yet. They were caught in a rain storm, about to kiss, but they were interrupted. “Goddammit.” She groans and grabs her laptop to buy the rest of the series. “Welp, Mr. Styles, you now own my ass, I hope you’re happy.” She sticks her tongue out at his picture on his website.

By the time she finished the third book, she was inconsolable. It thrilling, but she knew it couldn’t be the end for the two who were now so in love with each other. She also couldn’t believe how well written their love scenes were, a little shocked there was a small dash of smut. She looked on his website and saw he was set to release the fourth and final book of the series soon, and there would be a big release for it. He would do a reading and signing. Y/N texted her friends and they all agreed they needed to go. They still couldn’t believe how much Y/N liked the series. It consumed her soul, she couldn’t get enough. She even bought his other standalone novels to read until the release.

Eliza: hey! HES just released the first book on audio, and he narrates it! Should hold us over until the release ;)  

Y/N: holy fucking shit! Literally about to go download it, thanks!!!

Now this was a way to fall asleep, she thought. She plugged her earbuds into her phone, turned her light off, and hit play. She gasps the second she hears his voice.

“He’s British?!” She says to herself. “Dear god.”

His voice was deep and sultry, and sounded incredibly crisp through the audio. Each night for the rest of that week, she fell asleep to the sound of Harry’s voice; it was euphoric. She felt sort of weird for becoming as big of a fan of him that she was. It was like she was in high school again having a crush on some unattainable celebrity. She couldn’t even talk about him to anyone at work. It was like this big secret between her and her friends. Instead of listening to music in her office, she started listening to interviews or podcasts he was involved in. Anything to just get a better understanding for who he was or how his mind worked. She found that he was incredibly private, only tweeting or posting on Instagram from promotional purposes. A PR person most likely running the sites for him.

“Okay, I think I’m obsessed with him, like, it’s bad.” She tells her friends at brunch one Saturday morning. They would all try their best to get together a couple times a month.

“Welcome to the dark side.” Eliza says.

“I knew if we didn’t push you that you’d come around at some point to ask us for a book rec.” Melinda says.

“You could have just showed me his picture, he’s so handsome! I can’t wait to go to the signing. I wonder what type of suit he’ll wear. Maybe all black?”

“I heard he’s into florals lately.” Eliza says. “I’m glad we got our tickets when we did, it’s going to be packed.”

“Yeah, like, at least we’ll have seats for the reading.” Melinda says.

“I can’t believe we’re going to hear his voice in person. That audio book? Oh my god.” She pretends to fan herself. “I’ve been enjoying his other novels too. He has such a way with words, I can’t remember the last time I actually enjoyed a book this much. Maybe The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants?” She chuckles.

“Didn’t you read that in high school?!” Eliza laughs.

“Yeah!” Y/N laughs, and Melinda joins in. “I fucking hate reading. I wonder if he’ll ever sell the rights and have it turned into a movie or TV series.”

“People have been begging him. He said maybe once the fourth book has been out for a bit. He didn’t want to feel pressured, like, you know how with Game of Thrones the books didn’t come out fast enough for the series?” Melinda says.

“Oh yeah, that makes sense. I think a TV show would be good. Then they could take their time with it. The only thing is I can’t picture someone playing the farmer other than him.” Y/N sighs.

“Agreed.” Eliza says. “I can really only see him.”

“So, how are we dressing for the signing? I don’t wanna look desperate by dressing up too much.” Melinda says.

“Melinda…” Y/N starts chuckling. “You have a girlfriend.”

“I’m aware.” She swats a hand at Y/N. “But damn, Harry is too fine.”

//

Y/N curls the ends of her hair on the day of the signing. It was finally here, and she couldn’t be more excited. She found a cute yellow top to wear with some high waist jeans. She does some simple makeup, but makes sure to have her eyes pop. The rules were that people could only bring one book with them, so she grabs the first in the Unicorn series. She fully intended to buy the new book as well, and they said he would sign all new purchases too.

She meets Melinda and Eliza outside the bookstore where it would all be happening. They get in line to buy their new books, and head to their seats. They were able to snag tickets for the second row. He would be reading the first few chapters of the first book, and then would spend the rest of the time signing books.

“I’m so excited.” Y/N whispers to both of her friends.

A man comes out shortly to check the crowd of people waiting, and soon it’s announced that Harry would be coming out. Everyone stands up and claps for him. He was wearing a sleek black suit, and his hair was pushed back off his face. He looked bashful as he smiled out to everyone, and stood at the podium provided. Everyone sits back down as he clears his throat.

“Thank you all so much for being here. Whether you’re a new fan or if you’ve been with me for years, I appreciate your support. It feels surreal for this series to be over. I’ve loved these characters so much, and when I finished the final edits, it felt weird saying goodbye. I also want to say thanks for all the support with the first audio book. I fully intend to do one for the rest, it just takes a lot of time and editing, so hold tight for me, alright?” The crowd giggles, and his dimple grows deeper. He takes a sip of the water provided, and opens the book. “Let’s get started shall we?” He looks up at the audience who was waiting patiently. He makes eye contact with Y/N. It’s brief, but he looked at her…or at least she told herself he did.

His voice was just as smooth in person as it was on the audio. Y/N was swooning, barely paying attention to the words, but more so watching the way his lips moved. The way he’d lick his lips after getting a sip of water, and watching his Adam’s apple bob up and down. It all felt like a dream. He ended up reading five chapters instead of three, as a treat, until his manager came out to remind him to wrap it up.

“Right, well, I’ve been told I’m done speaking.” He chuckles. “I just need about ten minutes and I’ll be able to sign all your books. Thanks so much!”

He leaves as everyone claps for him again. Everyone gets in line and waits for him to return. There was a table waiting for him to sit at and a ton of markers.

“I wonder how long we’ll get with him. Like, a minute, right?” Eliza asks.

“Make every second count.” Y/N says.

“I’m gonna try to take a selfie.” Melinda says. “Then I’ll really remember it forever.”

As the girls got closer to the front of the line, Y/N felt herself getting nervous, and her palms were starting to sweat. She tries to wipe them on her jeans before she gets to him.

“Hello, love.” He smiles at her. “Whatcha bring f’me?”

“Huh?” She was so taken aback.

“Well, I know you didn’t come here to have me sign a body part…unless you did.” He shrugs. “Although, I don’t think my manager would appreciate that.” He winks at her and it makes her giggle.

“I have the first back, and the newest one.” She hands them both to him. “I have to say, I’m not really a big reader, but this really drew me in. I think I’ve fallen in love with reading for the first time in my life.”

“That’s like…I mean…wow, what a compliment, thanks.” He signs both of the books. “What’s your name?”

“Y/N.”

“Y/N.” He repeats as he continues to leave a nice note in both of her books. “You know pictures aren’t allowed, but if you turn around and happen to take a selfie they can’t stop you.” He points to the few guards.

Y/N turns around and takes a selfie with Harry. She turns back around and chuckles as she takes her books back.

“Thank you so much. I can’t wait for the next audio books.”

“You liked the first one?”

“Loved it.”

“So, it wasn’t weird listening to me for that long?”

“Not at all…” She starts blushing. “Your voice is sort of, um, soothing…I have a lot of anxiety at night, and, well, reading, and evening listening has helped me sleep a lot better. So, thanks again.” She smiles at him and he smiles back.

He wished he could hug her. He looks back at his manager, who just sighs at him and nods. Harry stands up from the table and walks around. Before she knew it, his arms were being wrapped around her. She got a whiff of his cologne, and she swore it was her new favorite smell in the world. She barely got a chance to put her hands on him before his manager said it was enough and Harry needed to get back to it.

“Sorry, that was just so endearing.” He lets go of her and sits back down. “Thanks for your support.”

Y/N steps aside and looks at her friends who were waiting for her to finish up. She looks back at Harry who was already talking to the next person. She sighs, knowing she was long forgotten already.

“Oh my god, I took a picture of him hugging you.” Eliza says. “What was it like? All he did was shake my hand.”

“He smelled so good.” Y/N whines. “Girls, let’s go out for drinks tonight. I need to get some energy out.”

“Great idea! We can drink and then dance the night away.” Melinda says. “What did he write in your books?”

“I don’t wanna look yet, I wanna save it.” Y/N smiles and holds her books close to her.

//

After grabbing dinner and dropping their books off at Y/N’s place, they all head to their favorite dance bar. They all get their drinks and stand near the bar to drink them. Y/N was happily sucking on her straw, swaying along to the fast beat of the music.

“Look, they actually roped off the VIP section.” Eliza points out. Y/N and Melinda turn to look.

“I wonder who’s here. Once in a while someone cool shows up.” Melinda says.

The group in the VIP section erupts into laughter, and the girls’ eyes grow wide. Harry was standing up from the booth, looking much more casual. He still had his dress pants and button up on, but his sleeves were pushed up, revealing his tattoos. He strides up to the bar as he shakes his head back at his friends. He brushes right by the girls, bumping into Y/N, causing her to spill her drink.

“Oh shit, I’m sorry, love.” He says to her, and then he looks her up and down. “Do I know you?” He slurs slightly.

“Um…we…we met earlier today. You signed my books.”

“I signed your what?!” The music was really loud, he must have thought she said something else.

“Books, books!” She really enunciates the k sound.

“Oh!” He bursts out laughing, and puts a hand on her shoulder. “I was gonna say, that sorta thing isn’t really my style. What are you drinking, I’ll get you a new one.”

“Oh, you don’t have to do that. There’s still plenty in here.”

“Don’t be silly, I feel terrible. In fact,” He looks at Melinda and Eliza, and then to the bar tender. “Their next round’s on me. I also need another bottle of Patron for my table.”

“Coming right up!”

“Lost a bet with ‘em.” He rolls his eyes. “So the next bottle’s on me.” He shrugs.

“We’ll bring it over to you.” The bar tender says as she puts up three new drinks for you and your friends.

“You really didn’t have to do that.”

“S’the least I can do. Your support is the only reason why I can afford what I have. I should buy your drinks all night.” He smirks.

“Y/N.” Melinds grabs her shoulders and whispers in her ear. “Go for it, bitch, go for it. He’s hitting on you. We’ll be over there.”

She lets Y/N go and drags Eliza with her over to another part of the bar. Y/N grabs her drink and smiles at Harry.

“Your name’s Y/N, right?”

“You must have seen hundreds of people today, how’d you remember?”

“I’m really good with names.” He grins. “Do you want to join me and my friends?”

“What?!”

“Come on, seems like your friends are busy anyways.” He nods over to Melinda and Eliza where Melinda was working as a wing-man for Eliza. “They’re bringing over the Patron, you’ll love it.” He grabs her wrist and brings her over. One of the body guards raises his eyebrows. “I’m baacckk, let us in Mike.” Mike lifts the rope up and lets Harry and Y/N in. “Everyone this is Y/N, she’s got to be one of my biggest fans, so she’s joining us.” He pulls her down into the booth with him and puts his arm around her shoulders.

He was drunk, this was very clear. No one seemed bothered by her presence. Everyone was just happy to have refills for their drinks. Harry takes a shot of the Patron along with everyone else as Y/N sips on her drink. She felt bad, Eliza had to be a bigger fan of Harry, or at least she had been a fan longer…

“So, how’d you know he’d be here?” Harry’s manager, Jeff, asks.

“I didn’t.” She blushes. “My friends and I come here all the time.”

“Right, like we haven’t heard that one before.” Jeff smirks. “Some of you fangirls-“

“Oi! Don’t make fun, she’s cool.” Harry defends her.

“I can prove I’ve been here plenty of times.” Y/N takes her phone out and shows them her Facebook page. “There, you can see how many times I’ve checked in here. I only live a block away, so this tends to be the spot.”

“See, Jess, this is the spot.” Harry smirks, and knocks back another shot. “We’re being rude, here.” He slides a shot over to her. “Have as much as you like.”

“That’s okay, I have this.” She points to her glass.

“Oh, I knew I liked you, you’re so nice.” He pulls her a little closer to him. “But really, if you want any, you can have as much as you want, okay?”

“Thanks.”

Y/N sort of just sits there and tries to listen as each person talks, but the music was so loud, and she was itching to dance, especially now that she had a couple of drinks in her. She was drumming her fingers mindlessly on the table.

“Do you want to dance?” He whispers in her ear. A shiver goes up her spine. She looks up at him and nods. “Alright, let’s hit it then.”

She gets out of the booth and he quickly follows her out to the dance floor. At first it’s just light and playful, he keeps one hand in hers, but keeps a respectable distance. If Y/N was dancing with her friends right now she’d probably be popping her ass no problem. She sort of wished they were still around. She couldn’t remember the last time she danced with a guy. She looks at him and feels a little bold, so she hooks an arm around his neck and dances close to him. His hands move to her hips as she essentially grinds on his thigh. When the next song starts, she turns around to grind her ass against his pelvis. He presses forward against her and she can tell he’s very happy to be dancing with her.

“You said your place was only a block away?” He says into her ear, and she nods. “Wanna head there?”

She stops dancing and turns around to face him.

“Are you serious?” She raises an eyebrow at him.

“Sorry, too forward?”

“No…I just…um…yeah, let’s go back to mine.”

He smiles and throws his arm around her shoulders. He looks over at Jeff who was still sitting with their friends. He waves off to him, and heads out side with Y/N. Harry whistles for a cab, and one pulls up almost right away. They both get into the backseat, and Y/N gives the driver her address. Harry rubs circles into her shoulder. She rests her hand on his knee, as her leg shakes with nerves.

“You alright, love?”

“Mhm, yeah.” She doesn’t look at him.

“No need to be nervous, babe, we don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”

She looks up at him now and smiles. She wanted to do everything with him. It was like every fantasy she had was coming to life. She had dreams about this, but never thought it would come true. The cab pulls up in front of Y/N’s building and they both get out of the cab. She keys into the front door and she leads him to the elevator.

“I’m surprised you’re not exhausted, must be draining to meet so many people.”

“Caught a second wind.” He winks at her. She giggles as they get off at her floor.

She leads him inside as she flips the lights on.

“It’s just a studio.”

“It’s nice, just enough space. You’ve got a great view.” He says as he walks over to the window.

“Yeah, I got really lucky.”

“Mind if I pull the curtains?”

“Not at all.”

She watches the muscles in his back flex as he reaches to pull the curtains closed. He turns to face her and walks over to where she is. He cups one of her cheeks and she leans into his touch.

“I have to be honest, I don’t usually do this.” He says.

“Do what? Hook up with a girl from a bar?” She smirks.

“No, hook up with a fan…” He sighs. “But what you said to me earlier about your anxiety and how my books have helped you, it stuck with me all day. I’m really glad I ran back into you. I got kinda nervous when you didn’t message me.”

“What? Why would I have?”

“I wrote my number in your book.” He lets go of her and steps back. “You didn’t read my notes?”

“No, I…I was saving them for when I was feeling down.” She admits, a little embarrassed. “Why did you put your number in it?”

“In case you ever needed someone to talk to…if you ever got sick of listening to the same story over and over. It was a little impulsive, but no one’s ever said anything like that to me before.”

“I’m surprised by that.”

“Usually people just tell me that they enjoyed it, or they try to flirt or something. It’s usually pretty hollow.” He shrugs. “But you…” He takes her hands in his. “Well…if you noticed, I didn’t really hug anyone else.”

“I did notice. You made me feel really special, Harry.”

“I’d like to keep making you feel that way…”

He releases her hands, and she wraps her arms around his neck. Her hands slide up through his curls, and she gets up on her tip toes while his arms wrap around her waist, pulling her close. His lips brush over hers, and she pulls his face closer to hers to deepen the kiss. She smiles against his lips which makes him smile and pull back.

“What is it?”

“I just…I can’t believe this is happening…” She presses her hips closer to his.

“You’ve thought about this before, with me?”

She nods her head yes and he smirks.

“Is that weird?” She asks, cheeks heating up from embarrassment.

“Who am I to judge what helps someone fall asleep at night?” His voice was low now, eyes darker than they were moments before.

Maybe this wasn’t something either of them should be doing while inebriated. But from lack of better judgement they start kissing again. His hands slide down to cup her ass, and his large hands give her a squeeze. She groans into his mouth, giving him the perfect excuse to lick into her. Her tongue molds to his, and she starts pushing him to walk back towards her bed. He happily lets her lead the way.

The back of his calves hit the bed, and he almost loses his balance. He sits down and brings her with him so she’s straddling his lap. Lips only breaking for a moment to get some air until they’re on each other again. Her hands lace through his hair and he groans when she tugs on him. His lips move to her jaw and then to just under her ear. She gasps when she feels him suck on the tender skin. Her hips roll down over his, and he smirks against her. He licks over the spot he was sucking on, and goes back for more. She grinds herself against him, feeling his bulge press up against where she needs it most. His lips move back to hers so he can nip at her bottom lip before looking at her.

“You want this?” He asks.

“Wouldn’t have said yes to coming back here if I didn’t.”

“You could have changed your mind between the bar and now.” He tucks some loose strands of hair behind her hair. “I meant what I said earlier, we don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”

“I want to, do you?”

“I certainly didn’t change my mind.”

She smiles and leans in to kiss him again before getting off him. She reaches behind him quickly to snag one of her throw pillows to put on the floor. She sits up on her knees before him and reaches for his for the button on his dress pants. She looks up at him as he widens his legs for her. He wasn’t expecting a blow job, but he wasn’t one to turn it down. She pops the button and undoes his zipper. She reaches into his pants and palms him through his boxers first. His palms were flat on the bed, his arms keeping him up, but he can’t help but let his head fall back from her touch.

“Harry, look at me.”

He immediately does as she says so he can make eye contact with her.

“Is this okay? Can I take it out?”

“Yeah, please.”

She smiles and tugs his pants and boxers down slightly, he lifts his hips up to help her. He unbuttons his shirt while his dick slaps up against his lower stomach. She gazes up at him. Once his shirt is off, she can’t help but look over all his tattoos.

“You’re so…pretty.” She chuckles.

“Not as pretty as you.” He runs his hands through her hair, giving her a little encouragement to get started.

She blushes as her eyes fall to his hard cock, tip swollen and ready to go. She licks her right hand and gives him a few pumps first. He grunts as he watches her. She licks a stripe up from his base to his tip before she wraps her lips around him. His eyes flutter closed for a second, but he didn’t want to miss anything so he does his best to keep his eyes open to watch her work on him. She already had small droplets of spit rolling down her chin. Sloppy, he thinks to himself and he smirks. She sinks a little further down on him, testing herself to see how much she can take. He thrusts up slightly to meet her halfway and she gags on him, needing to pop off for a moment.

“Sorry, been a while.” She mumbles, and gets back on him.

“No worries, doing great, love.”

He helps keep her hair back as she starts to bob up and down on him. Her warm mouth felt so fucking good around him. She swallows around him before really hollowing her cheeks to suck on him. Her mouth moves up to his tip so she can lick away at his slit. She wraps a hand around him to pump him as she does this.

“Baby, baby, hold on.” He pants, and moves her face away from him. She looks up at him with big, innocent eyes that were slightly watery now. “I’ll come if you keep doing that.” He sounded almost out of the breath. She nods and stands up. His hands grips her hips and then slide to the button on her own jeans. “You’re sure?”

“Yes.” She says, taking off her shirt. He looks up at her and kisses on her chest as he undoes her pants.

He yanks them down her legs. He smiles at her mismatched set of underwear. She had worn a white bra with her yellow shirt, and a simple pair of blue panties with her jeans.

“I didn’t think, um, I would be…it was a girl’s night, and-“

“Do you really think I care about your underwear not matching?” He raises an eyebrow at her as he smirks.

She smiles and rests her hands on his shoulders as he kisses on her lower tummy. He stands up to kick his pants away, and lets her get on the bed. She lays on her back, propping herself up with her elbows. He crawls onto the bed and settles between her legs. His lips find hers as he grinds himself against her covered center. She bites her bottom lip, just wanting her underwear gone. He reaches behind her to unhook her bra. After a few seconds of fumbling he gets it, and watches the bra loosen around her. She pushes it off her shoulders, and tosses it to the ground. His hands cup her full breasts immediately. He kneads them and tweaks her nipples. She grinds her hips up towards his as they continue to move against each other. He dips his head down to kiss on her chest, and he rolls a nipple between his teeth. He works his way down her body and slides her underwear down her legs, tossing them aside where he feels like. She parts her legs for him.

He dips his down and licks from her center to her clit. He does this slowly but with precision. Her hips buck up towards him, encouraging him to keep going, so he does. He licks all around her until his lips are around her throbbing clit. He nibbles and sucks and flicks his tongue while his fingers explore her folds. Her hands were in his hair. She kept thinking she was going to wake up. Any minute now she would snap out of her dream. She would pinch her eyes closed and expect to see the morning sun creeping through her windows, but not this time. When she opened her eyes there he was, head between her legs, lapping away at her. The clouds covering the moon and night sky. He had her whimpering and tugging at his hair. He wanted her to come, but not yet, just get her to the brink. She pouts at him when he lifts his head. He licks his lips and smiles at her.

“Got any rubbers?”

“Mhm, in the bathroom, I can-“

“I got it, just tell me where.”

“The box in the cabinet below the sink.”

He pecks her lips before going into her little bathroom. He smirked to himself wondering how he might shower the next morning. He was taller than the showerhead. He bends down to open up the cabinet and spots the box of condoms. It was opened, but not many were missing. Not the he was one to judge. Harry hooked up a lot. He grabs a couple, just in case they feel like getting frisky again later on, and heads back out. He rips the foil packet open and slides it on over his length. She bites her bottom lip in anticipation.

“Tell me something,” He starts as he gets back on the bed, between her legs, hovering over her body. “When you had me in your thoughts was it ever like this?”

He rubs his tip against her clit, getting her to moan out. He pushes into her entrance but doesn’t go much further until he gets his answer. His eyebrows were raised, looking at her.

“This is usually the part when I’d wake up.” She whispers. “Before anything good could really happen.” She cups his cheek and runs her thumb over his cheekbone. “Please.”

He kisses her as he pushes the rest of the way inside her. They both groan. She was so wet, even with the condom on, it still felt amazing. He was nice and snug inside her. He moves slowly at first to not hurt her. He hooks an arm under one of her legs to bring it up a little higher. He wanted to get in as deep as possible. She clutches at his shoulders as he drives it in.

“Oh my god.” She gasps as his tip brushes her g-spot. “Jesus Christ.” She grits her teeth.

“Ever had anyone like this before?” He says into her ear.

“Never this deep, shit.”

He sits up and puts both of her legs over his shoulders. His fingers press bruises into her thighs as he holds onto her. She looks up at him as her mouth falls open. He was ramming into her and it felt so good to fuck like this. She didn’t want to be treated delicately. What he was doing was amazing, but her clit was missing the friction, so her hand slides down to rub at it.

“Fuck.” He breathes as he watches her touch herself. He lets go of one of her thighs and moves her hand aside so he can rub it for her. Her head rolls back the second she feels his thumb on her.

“Just like that.” She pants. “Don’t stop.”

He grunts his response as he continues to fuck her. He could feel her tightening around his cock and he knew she was close. He rubs her a little faster, and watches as her body contorts under his.

“Let go, come on, show me how you do it, Y/N.”

That pushes her over the edge. She cries out as she comes around him. He rubs her still, but slows his pace to help her through it. She tightens around him again as she comes down from her bliss. He drops her legs and pulls out. He sits up against her headboard and pulls her into his lap. He doesn’t have her face him, though, he has her sit on him facing away. Her head rolls back against his shoulder once she sinks down on him. She uses her knees to push herself up and down on his cock. He bites down on her shoulder, licks up to just under her ear to suck on the tender skin again. His hands find her bouncing breasts, and he kneads them.

“Harry.” She groans.

“Feels good, love?”

“So good.” She turns her head and sticks her tongue out slightly so he’ll kiss her. His tongue meets hers and they practically slobber all over each other as her pace quickens on him.

His hands slide down to her hips to help her. He thrusts up into her to get into a rhythm. He could feel his orgasm bubbling at the base of his spine.

“Fuck, oh my god.” He moans, which makes her moan. She tightens around him. He wanted her to come again, to come with him, so he rubs her clit while she continues to bounce him.

“Shit, fuck, Harry!”

They come at the same time, both of them crying out form the intensity. He gives her a second to catch her breath before he lifts her off of him. She gets up and quickly walks to the bathroom to clean herself up. He goes in after her to rid himself of the condom. She was about to throw on a t-shirt when he comes back out.

“Don’t bother.” He smirks.

“What do you mean?”

“It’ll just come off again.”

“Oh.” She blushes and puts it back into her dresser.

He gets on the bed with her and pulls her close to his chest. His fingers run up and down her back lightly, causing goosebumps to raise on her skin. She rests one of her legs on top of his, and wraps her arm around his torso. She wasn’t sure if she’d have the energy to fuck him again so soon, especially when the rhythm of his heart beat was lulling her to sleep. Her eyes flutter closed. He looks down at her and smiles when he sees her lips parted. He kisses the top of her head, and slowly falls asleep himself.

//

The next morning, Y/N wakes up cozy, head stuffed into her pillow, blankets wrapped around her. It was darker than usual. Her eyes flutter open and see the rain falling down. She hears it tapping delicately against her windows. It was a normal Sunday morning, or it would have been if she hadn’t completely forgotten there was a warm body wrapped around her. She rolls over slowly not to disturb the stranger. She gasps to herself when she sees it really is Harry Styles, not just some guy that looked like him. She really took him home with her and she really fucked him. He pulls her closer to her and she sighs.

“Your bed’s comfy.” He mutters.

“Thanks, I’ve got one of those foam pads under the sheets. Makes a world of difference.”

She feels his chest rumble as he chuckles. She feels him press a soft kiss to her forehead before pulling away slightly.

“Mind if I grab a shower?”

“Not at all.” She smiles up at him. “If you don’t mind smelling like my fruity shampoo, that is.”

“You’re funny.” He chuckles again and stretches as he sits up. He rubs his eyes, and gets out of the bed. Y/N couldn’t help but ogle his naked body as he walks away. He pops his head out of the door frame to look at her. “Are you coming?”

“Oh…you wanted me to-“

“Obviously.” He scoffs. “Wouldn’t mind fucking you again, either.”

Normally she’d wrap herself in a blanket, but if he was going to be bold, then so was she. So she gets out of bed and struts over towards him. She brushes her teeth quickly as he uses some mouth wash. She gets the water in the shower going.

“Does that head detach? I don’t know if I can crouch for that long.” He laughs.

“Yeah, it comes right off, don’t worry.” She pulls back the curtain and they both get in.

She helps him wash up, scrubs her nails over his head as she washes out the shampoo, and once they’re both clean, he hoists her up against the wall, and kisses her. She was plenty wet for him, and he smiles against her as he slips a finger inside her.

“You were ready f’me, hm?”

“Guess so.” She nips at his bottom lip, which delights him.

“Mind if I just slip it in like this and pull out after?”

“That’s fine.” She smiles. “Wouldn’t mind actually being able to feel you.”

“Christ.” He groans, and then pushes his hard cock inside her. Her head rolls back against the tile as his lips attack to her throat.

It was a nice, passionate morning fuck. When they’re done she gets him a towel, and wraps one around herself. He watches as she runs around to make her bed back up. It was a small apartment, so any clutter just made it look even smaller. He grabs his phone out of his pants pocket, and sighs.

“Alright?” She asks, sitting on the edge of her bed. He comes to sit down next to her.

“Yeah, just a ton of missed calls and texts. Thought I made it pretty clear to Jeff I wouldn’t be coming back to the hotel last night.”

“Do you have a plane to catch or anything?”

“Not today, tomorrow though.”

She watches as he types away to respond to the dozen or so texts he had form various people.

“Would you like any coffee or anything? Juice?”

“Just a black coffee would be perfect if it’s not too much trouble, love.”

“Coming right up.”

His eyes flicker up to watch her bum and hips sway as she walks into the kitchen area. She fills up her Keurig to get his coffee going.

“No cream or sugar, just black?”

“Please.” He smiles. “Thanks.”

She nods and gets a mug down from her cabinet to place under the machine. She thinks he’s talking to her for a moment, but when she looks over she can see he’s on the phone.

“I’m not sure when I’ll be back. I’m well aware, thanks.” He sighs and shakes his head. “I’m allowed to go out and have some fun.” He crosses a leg over the other so he can rest his elbow on his thigh, propping his chin up with his palm. “She’s making me a cup of coffee, is that alright? No, I don’t just carry those in my back pocket…” He rolls his eyes. “I’ll take care of it. Alright, bye.”

She comes over to him with a mug for him, and one for herself. She added a bit of cream to hers. She just couldn’t do black coffee.

“Thank you so much, feel like I’m about to get a headache.” He says, taking the mug from her, smacking his lips after he takes a sip.

“I have some aspirin if you need some.”

“Caffeine should work just fine, but thank you.”

“So, uh, not that I was listening in or anything, just, small space and all, but what don’t you carry around in your back pocket?”

“Oh.” He chuckles. “An NDA, that’s all. Jeff’s gonna email one over to me any second I’m sure.”

“What do you need an NDA for?”

“It’s not for me, it’s for you.”  She looks at him deeply confused. “I’m a very private person, and not that I think you’re the type to go around spouting your business, it’s just, well, you’re a fan and…”

“You need me to sign an NDA so I won’t tell anyone we fucked?”

“Basically, yeah. Sorry if that makes things a little awkward. It’s just to keep my personal life personal, that’s all.” He takes another sip of the coffee. “This is really good, what brand is this?”

“Green Mountain Coffee…it comes from Vermont.”

“It’s delicious, I’ll have to look into it.” He smiles, although she can tell she’s starting to feel uneasy. She’s painfully aware that this was just a drunk hookup, a one night stand. “Are you alright?” He puts a hand on her knee.

“M’fine, just a bit groggy.” She sips her own coffee.

“Well, I’m starved, you’ve gotta be too, right? What a good place to grab some breakfast around here?” He stands up and starts looking for his clothes.

“Um…there’s a place right down the street.”

“We’ll have to take a cab unless you have a really big umbrella.” He smirks as he pulls his boxers on.

“Do I have to sign an agreement saying I won’t talk about breakfast too, or?”

Harry sighs as he pulls his pants on. She looks at him as she sips her coffee.

“Guess I’ll find out when I read the fine print.” She stands up and walks back over to her kitchen area. He follows her there with his mug and sticks it in the sink.

“Why is it such a big deal?”

“It’s not, I just…I mean…what do you think I’m going to do? Go onto a blog and spill every detail about last night? As if I could remember every little thing.” She scoffs and rinses out her mug.

“You easily could. You have to understand, sometimes when stories slip or people feel like they know things about you, it’s harder to get deals or make business decisions. I want to be taken seriously, so I don’t post personal things on social media, and I have the people I hook up with sign NDA’s.”

“Well, maybe I should have you sign one for me then.” She says, crossing her arms. He raises an eyebrow at her. “How do I know our night together won’t be inspiration for your next love scenes? You’re quite descriptive in your works. You must take from real life when you’re writing those things.”

“I’ll tell you what, I’ll text Jeff and have him email me two, one for each of us. I won’t talk about you and you won’t talk about me. Now, can we please go get some breakfast?”

“Why do you even want to go anywhere with me if you’re so scared of people finding out?” She walks over to her dresser to pick out an outfit she wouldn’t mind getting wet in the rain.

“It’s one thing to be seen with someone at a diner, it’s another to have what you’re like in the bedroom aired out to millions of people.”

“It’ll be obvious we slept together. My neck is littered with kiss marks.” She taps over one of the spots. He watches as she wriggles a pair of panties up her legs, and then a pair of jeans. “You’re also wearing your clothes from last night.” She tosses him his button up.

“I don’t suppose you have a large t-shirt I could throw on?”

“I’m sure I could find one.” She find a bra and t-shirt of her own, and then rummages through her pajama drawer for one of her larger bed shirts. “Here.” She hands him the shirt. He puts it on and looks down at it.

“Cute.” He smiles. “You can keep mine, and I’ll keep this one, how’s that sound?”

“Guess I’m just glad that’s not my favorite one.” She grabs her raincoat and umbrella. She furrows her brows and then remembers where her rubber boots on. “Could you order an uber or something?”

“Sure.”

They get down to the street, and head into the car he ordered. The diner was busy when they got there, but since it was just the two of them, they didn’t have to wait long to be seated. Harry’s phone pings with the email from Jeff.

“So…I just need to digitally sign it?”

“Mhm.” He hands his phone over to her so she can read over everything. He rests his chin on his palm. “Don’t think I’ve ever seen someone read over it so diligently before.”

“I’m a lawyer.” She mumbles.

“No shit.” He sits up, suddenly even more intrigued with her. “Good for you.”

“Well, I’m in law school, and I work as a para at a law firm, but I’m getting there.” She says as she uses her finger to sign her life away. “I’d like to read the one he sent to you for me.”

“Just swipe to the next email.”

She nods and looks it over. It was the same as her. She hands him back his phone and watches him sign it.

“I’d like both copies emailed over to me.”

“Alright, what’s your email?”

“I’ll put it in.” She takes his phone back and puts her information in, sending herself the copies. “There.” She crosses her arms. “Happy?”

“Yes, actually.”

A waitress comes over to them, and they both order scrambled eggs with bacon, potatoes, and toast. It’s quiet between them for a few moments. She looks out the window to watch the rain fall, and then looks back at him. He was twiddling his thumbs in his lap.

“Harry?”

“Yeah?” He looks up at her.

“What am I doing here with you? You could have easily slipped out this morning, even last night…”

“I’m not that kind of guy.”

“So…what is this, a consolation before we never see each other again?”

“No.”

“Then what is this?! I feel like I’m not even looking at a real person. I’ve wanted to meet you for so long, and I would have killed for the opportunity to sit down and have breakfast with you. I have so many questions about your work, and-“

“So, ask me.”

“What?”

“Ask me all your questions. What can I answer that I haven’t already in an interview? You wanna know my thought process? Where and what I get inspired by? How long it takes me to write a book, a chapter even? I only have bullshit answers, to be honest. I keep notes on my phone for when I get inspired, and then when I’m able to be at my computer I’ll type for hours without stopping. It’s like I blackout or something. It feels like I didn’t even take a second to blink. I’ll work on multiple projects at the same time too. I have three other books I’m currently working, all with completely different topics and characters. I can’t shut my brain off, ever. I don’t know why I’m like this. Even when I go on a vacation to unplug, I have to keep a notebook with me to write things down. I started writing because I just needed to get everything out of my head. I feel a huge sense of relief when I’m done with a piece so I can just move on from it. I had to start my own publication because my content was going to be put in the same category as Fifty Shades, and I didn’t want that. Luckily, Jeff went to school for PR, and he helped me out, and now he’s my manager. He’s the best there is, but sometimes it would be nice to fuck a pretty girl and take her to breakfast without having to worry about every little thing.”

Before Y/N can respond their food is brought over. They both thank the waitress. She picks her for up and plays with her potatoes before looking at him.

“Not to mention, said pretty girl told me how much my work means to her, how it helps her sleep at night. Fuck, I mean, I thought I was going to melt into a fucking puddle right there. My anxiety gets bad at night too, I knew exactly where you were coming from, babe. I can’t tell you how many nights I try to go to sleep and can’t, so I just get up and go back to my computer until I pass out in my chair.” He blinks at her, as she still says nothing. “Are you…not going to say anything?”

“I’m not sure what to say, I’m trying to take in everything you said and match it to the person you were yesterday at that signing. It’s an act, right? Your cool demeanor?”

“I have a stage presence for sure.” He sighs, and takes a bite of his bacon. “What am I gonna do, get up there and tell everyone that the fourth book took so long because I had to have surgery for carpal tunnel?”

“For someone who likes to be so private, you’re sure telling me a lot of personal things.”

“You signed something saying you wouldn’t discuss any of this, so I feel a little freer to explain myself. Have I totally ruined your perception of me? Is this a never meet your hero sort of moment?”

“Not at all.” She smiles. “You seem comfortable with me, which is nice. I like that I’m seeing this side of you, you’re more than just the suave guy I’ve seen in interviews, or listening to on podcasts. You’re a person, just like me.”

“Exactly, so you understand why I might want some privacy.”

“I do.” She nods and finally takes a bite of her food. “I’m sorry if I got a little pissy about it.”

“Don’t be, it’s always an awkward conversation to have.”

“So, how many women do you hook up with exactly? You’re making yourself sound like a player.” She chuckles.

“I mean…I’m a guy who has needs. I’m not gonna lie, I probably do it a little too much, but I don’t usually spend this much time with the person, or if I do…well…it’s not usually like this.”

“Why?”

“I wanted to actually have a conversation with you.” He shrugs. “You peaked my interest.”

“Clearly.” She smirks.

“At least I’ve never rubbed one out to the thought of a famous person.” He smirks back.

“Oh, I’m sorry, do you consider yourself famous?” She grins at him. “And I haven’t rubbed one out, it’s usually just a dream. Don’t flatter yourself, Harry.” She shakes her head.

“My bad, so I’ll just assume you get that wet for every guy you hook up with?”

Where was this conversation going, and why was it happening in such a public place? Was he trying to rile her up?

“I don’t think this is appropriate to talk about right now.” She whispers harshly.

He smirks and continues eating. They look at each other occasionally as they eat. The waitress comes over with the bill, and Harry throws some cash down on the table.

“Let me pay the tip at least.” She says, reaching for her purse.

“Don’t be silly, I put plenty down for the tip. I’ve got it.” He puts his hand over hers. “Seems like the rain’s stopped, wanna walk back?”

“Do you not need to be anywhere?”

“Nope.” He smiles. “Today’s my free day, isn’t that nice? I’ve got a plane to catch tomorrow morning, and that’s all I have to worry about. So, I’m more than happy to walk you back home.”

She nods and follows him out of the diner.

“So, do I only get your email, or do I get your number too?”

“Why, so you can hit me up whenever you’re in the city?”

“Precisely.” He nudges her as she laughs. “Come on, I gave you mine.”

“I can’t believe I didn’t even look…I would have been so embarrassed, you would have forgotten all about me. I don’t even know if I would have even had the courage to message you.”

“I wouldn’t have forgotten you.”

“Did you manager know you just gave your number out like that?”

“God no, he’d murder me.” Harry chuckles. “Jeff’s great, but he’s way too serious.”

“So, maybe I’ll message you sometime.”

“I prefer chatting on the phone, to be honest.”

“Why’s that?”

“Anyone can send a text, but a phone is, like, I don’t know, it’s romantic.”

“Romantic?”

“Yeah, like, a phone is something you really need to make time for.”

She pouts at him and looks at him with big eyes. They stop once they’re in front of her building.

“I come back to the city in two weeks, I really would like to see you again.”

“What are you coming back for?”

“Another signing. This one sold out, and I felt bad. I think anyone who wants to see me should.” He shrugs. “I wouldn’t have anything that I do if it weren’t for the people who supported me.”

“That’s sweet.” She smiles. “Okay, I guess we could see each other again.”

“Great, just make sure you call me, okay? Then I can call you, and we’ll just be two people calling each other sometimes.” He blushes.

“Why are you so romantic?” She laughs and wraps her arms around his waist.

“I wish I knew. It’s a blessing and a curse, I think.” He sighs and cups her cheeks. He leans in and kisses her, she happily kisses him back and pulls him closer.

“Do you, um, need to go back to your hotel now?”

“Not necessarily, what’d you have in mind?” He raises an eyebrow at her. She leans up and whispers in his ear, making his cheeks grow hotter. He looks at her, a little stunned. “I definitely have time for that.”

“I figured you would.” She winks at him and yanks him into her building.

She wasn’t ready to let go of him just yet. Everything still felt like a dream, only better. Even when Harry had to go off to his next signing, she slept better than she ever had. She called him late one night, much to his surprise, and they spoke for hours. She didn’t have to listen to the same words over and over to fall asleep, she had him, the real him.

[theoriginalcarnivorousmuffin]

Who do you think is the most incompetent character in Canon HP? I think it's Fudge or Lockhart, but then again they're only incompetent in SOME areas. So, what do you think?

Oh my god, there are so many contenders.

I feel like this is almost every single character. We’re talking Harry who only seems to accomplish his goals by divine luck. We’re talking Umbridge whose methods are so ridiculous I can’t even imagine what she imagines the outcome of her actions will be. We’re talking Lockhart (though I’m not actually sure incompetence is the right word, it’s more that he’s so drowning in narcissism he can’t even recognize his abilities, Lockhart is a wonder). Fudge, for obvious reasons...

I’m not even sure where to begin with this, really.

I guess I have to go with Fudge just because his incompetency is not only a near constant but it’s also often nearly lethal on a catastrophic level. 

Just, god, Fudge, you are a wonder.

Let’s start with Sirius’ breakout from Azkaban.

Fudge panics and thus causes the population to panic. Advertisements are being run by the hour, Sirius Black’s face is on every newspaper page. This is in a society where dropping the very name Voldemort sends the population into fits of terror. Fudge could very easily have inspired riots and then gone and joined the riots himself because Sirius broke out of Azkaban. I am mildly surprised that Diagon Alley wasn’t completely in flames by the time Harry got there. And this is on the competent end for Fudge.

We have Fudge running advertisements on the Muggle television. Now, I’m sure somebody told Fudge this was a brilliant idea. It even sounds like a good idea if you don’t think about it much: this way he can’t even hide in the muggle world. The trouble is what if somebody looks into this? Sirius Black is being mentioned every hour in the muggle media? What high security prison did he come from? What crime did he commit? Did Fudge even bother to make up a fake muggle history for this fake muggle murderer he just made up? Remember, the coverup for the muggles Sirius supposedly murdered was a gas leak, so Sirius can’t be blamed for that. I expect some muggles started asking questions and either the obliviators had to work overtime, Fudge got lucky, or a more insidious but likely answer is that the wizarding world didn’t even notice that they had dropped the ball. They’re so secure in their belief that they have the statute under control, that muggles are inherently gullible and stupid, that one day the statute of secrecy will break without them even knowing.

Fudge then loses Harry Potter. How does he manage this? Harry walks out the door of his muggle home and steps onto a bus. I imagine this nearly gave Fudge a heart attack but the fact was that no one had told Harry to stay there, Harry wasn’t aware that there was even any danger, and there was nothing at all preventing him from doing it. The kid calls the goddamn Night Bus and steps right up on board. Fudge’s solution of what to do with Harry later? He tells Harry to stay in the Leaky Cauldron, doesn’t even assign him a minder, just has him stay there. Good lad, please don’t die.

Fudge then sends soul eating demons who nobody understands to Hogwarts in case Sirius Black might show up to ‘protect the children’. Within only a few hours on the train one student, Harry Potter at that, passes out from dementor exposure. Fudge is convinced he can control these things. The dementors show up to a quidditch match. Fudge is so unbelievably lucky that half the Hogwarts population wasn’t eaten. Fudge, however, is so incompetent and short sighted he doesn’t even realize he’s lucky. Of course the dementors listen to the ministry! He’s the minister of magic! To top this, the dementors aren’t even effective, they fail to catch Sirius Black. 

Also, a smaller thing of Fudge but very in character, Harry learns about Sirius Black through the world’s most contrived means. He happens to be hanging out in Hogsmeade where he’s not supposed to be, hiding under Ron and Hermione’s table, and Fudge drops by. Fudge then loudly says, “Ah, Rosmerta, random barmaid! Have I told you all about the time Sirius Black was responsible for the murder of Harry Potter’s parents? No? WELL SIT RIGHT DOWN” This isn’t quite as bad as murdering all the children, but it’s pretty ridiculous.

But hey, Fudge was there to almost murder a hippogriff who attacked Malfoy’s son? I mean, it escaped, but... FUDGE DOES THINGS!

Later, fifth year, he runs the smear campaign against Harry Potter. Now, running a smear campaign against a fifteen-year-old is a shitty thing to do but that’s not why it’s incompetent. It’s incompetent because he goes all out. Actively calling Harry Potter, beloved savior of the nation, a narcissistic liar just gives him credence. It’s too strong and it only works (not even for the full population at that) because people are so terrified of Voldemort they’d accept this Rita Skeeter tabloid madness rather than face that again. As it is, Harry has his interview in the Quibbler, which is basically the National Inquirer, AND PEOPLE READ IT. THAT’S INSANE. YOU FAILED FUDGE. YOU FAILED SO HARD. 

A better plan would have been to acknowledge Harry had been through a traumatic event. Cedric somehow died in the tournament, Harry has lived all his life with this crushing expectation he’s defeated the dark lord, Harry probably watched this happened and is in such traumatized shock he believes Voldemort did it. Worse, Dumbledore probably convinced Harry somehow that Voldemort had done it, and Harry not knowing what happened and trusting his headmaster agreed. This would have been far more effective. 

But Fudge is panicking. So he goes even more ridiculous than a smear campaign led by Rita Skeeter (which, of all the people to pick, you choose her?) 

He sets loose Delores Umbridge. Umbridge’s first brilliant plan is to send dementors to a muggle neighborhood. What was the outcome of this? Was Harry Potter supposed to be terrified into silence? Was the entire muggle neighborhood supposed to be eaten? Was Harry Potter, savior of the wizarding world who had just claimed Voldemort had returned, supposed to be assassinated without people thinking Voldemort did it? Seriously, I’ve turned this over in my head, and I have no idea what the ideal outcome here was supposed to be. Just that Umbridge is nuts.

As it is, the best thing for them happens, Harry Potter stops it and is put on trial. Except then they get accused of somehow losing track of dementors. They try to brush this away with there being no witnesses and Harry being insane but then Mrs. Figg shows up. So, either the ministry is so incompetent that soul eating demons are roaming the country or the ministry just tried to assassinate Harry James Potter, the boy who lived. Fudge saves himself by going, “Oh gee, look at the time, case dismissed.”

Despite Umbridge having gone completely mad and unhinged, Fudge sends her to Hogwarts. There she tortures students, presumably to silence them, but again it just gives Harry Potter credence. Why is Umbridge trying so hard to silence these people? She directly fuels Harry Potter building a seeming guerilla army of school children planning a coup of Fudge in Dumbledore’s name. It’s Fudge’s worst nightmare. More, she actively sabotages the education of an entire generation, students actually drop out of school. And then she fails to do the one thing she went to Hogwarts to do: silence Harry Potter.

Then, of course, Fudge finds out the ministry is lousy with spies, Voldemort really is back, and he just has to stand there and go, “Welp, guess I’m fired.” Yes, Fudge, you’re fired.

In short, I can’t think of a single action he takes that is in any way competent. More, nearly every action he takes could have very easily resulted in dozens of deaths.

[hrodvitnon]

Favorite Female Characters

Rules: List ten of your favorite female characters in different fandoms and then tag ten people.

Done got tagged by @thebyrchentwigges. 'Ere we go, 'ere we go, 'ere we go!

1. Hellblade: Senua's Sacrifice - Senua. A schizophrenic Celtic Pict who is deeply traumatized by the death of her lover Dillion, plus years of abuse from a cruel father. She is often terrified of her hallucinations, believes they're a curse, is beset by self-doubt, yet soldiers on into Helheim (probably) to free Dillion's soul from Hela herself. And now we’re going to see her get shit done in the sequel. Perhaps Senua’s Saga will be the story of how she became deified into the Minerva-esque goddess Senuna who inspired her name...

2. Godzilla - Mothra. The most iconic lady Kaiju and one hell of a Mama Bear, she can fight with and against the Big G himself, and has even bested him. She challenged planet-conquering King Ghidorah as a larva. Mothra gets shit done. Dr. Graham also has a special place in my heart.

3. The Shape of Water - Elisa Esposito. How can someone not love her? Her charm, her playfulness, her escapism, the fact that she masterminded rescuing her Amazonian river god bae (something Soviet Russia didn't want to do), and in the end got the fishman of her dreams and lived happily ever after. She got shit done.

4. Halo - Cortana. Specifically going with Combat Evolved through 4 and ignoring 5: Guardians. Cortana's a holographic "Smart" AI and she gets shit done. She's funny, charming, and has an interesting relationship with the Master Chief that borders on romantic. Her descent into rampancy in 4, approaching the end of her AI lifespan, was heartbreaking to watch.

5. Silent Hill 3 - Heather Mason. She’s 17 years old (probably), some nutso cult lady wants her to birth a new god and has her dad killed, and what does Heather do? Well, after a good cry and impromptu funeral, she does what no sane person does and goes to the cult’s headquarters in Silent Hill. The eldritch abomination location that, depending on the game, manifests into a reflection of one’s own personal hell and forces one to confront one’s own demons. Heather wisecracks and kicks her demons in the face.

6. The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim - Lydia. Some people don’t like Lydia. They are fools. They are also too stupid to five-foot-step back so Lydia can get out of the doorway. Lydia’s cool. She can fight up close, with a bow, and with magic staves. She’ll fight everything from bandits to vampires to giants to daedra to dragons, all because they looked at her thane funny. She sasses the Dovahkiin but is a loyal friend and housecarl, and if the game allowed it she’d probably follow you into Sovngarde and the planes of Oblivion. Also kinda helps that I headcanon my Bosmer Dovahkiin as having a massive crush on her.

7. Hellsing Ultimate - Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing. Last of her family line, a knight of the Round Table, head of the Hellsing Organization, and master to the vampire Alucard. Also might be a Grand Higharch of the Templars if you subscribe to Taliesin Jaffe’s theory. Nazi vampires come knocking, she cuts their heads off. She gets shot in the eye and doesn't flinch. Plus she's got a mischievous side.

8. Throne of Blood - Lady Asaji. Never thought I'd see a villainous take on the Yamato Nadeshiko trope but by god it works. She barely moves at first and when she does there's something almost dreamlike about it, speaks in respectful tones dripping with equal parts honey and venom, orchestrates Lord Tsuzuki’s murder and Washizu taking his place as lord of the castle, and never blinks. It's creepy as hell and I love it.

9. Fallout: New Vegas - Veronica Renata Santangelo. She’s a scribe in a post-apocalyptic paramilitary order of power-armored knights, an idealist in a world that eats idealism alive, constantly cracking jokes but is hiding heartache over an ex-girlfriend and regret that the Brotherhood of Steel is ignoring her pleas and continues down a dead-end road, punches things to death with a pneumatic gauntlet, and more than anything wants to wear a pretty dress.

10. Star Wars - Leia Organa. I mean... it's Fucking Huttslaying Daughter of Force Jesus Anakin, Princess Leia "Gets Shit Done" Organa.

Do I have ten people to tag...? Welp, tagging @true-king-of-monsters and @dragongirlmesilune​ to start with. Y’all are free to share yours if you like!

[fart-gate]

SG1

Season 2 episode 5

"NEED"

Notes by me

- heard this episode was some good shit with lots of cough whump cough here we goooooo

- the goauld are collecting raw naquada. What do they need it for

- oh I love the pyramid ships their so cool

- *Daniel runs off recklessly*

"Wish he'd stop doing that!"

- its a cloaked lady!

- when she turns around and sees Daniel for the first time. 404 cloaked lady has stopped working

- Jack is so aggravated at Daniel for being too nice

- OKAY what the fuck dude. Get your disgusting hands off my Sam or I'll punch you in the throat

- I dont think theyre gonna listen to reason Daniel

- miners!

- Sam can sense worms??? She got worm radar ????

- "I get a weird feeling when im around tealc"

"hey who doesnt"

- ITS BREAK OUT TIME

- "lets go daniel!!"

"I'm coming!"

So innocent 😭

- shit is he dead again👀

- that must have hurt like a mother fucker yikes. Reminds me of the episode of BBC Merlin when the rockslide came down and separated him and arthur

- gurl not even a minute ago you were gonna commit suicide and now you want to take over after your dad? Make up yo damn mind

- a sarcophagus! Oh its Daniel

- NICE OUTFIT

- no glasses!Daniel

- she says she dressed him in new clothes while looking him up and down like lady what the fuck. You taking peeps at my boy? You wanna fuckin fight?

- "personal responsibility for you" basically shes saying she owns you now buddy you better run

- wait how many times has he used the sarc now? Its about 3 times I think

- "glass circles" lol

- damn theyre cracked. Makes me think how many times daniel has broken or lost his glasses and had to get new ones.

- whys she so goddamn CREEPY

- why is she so fascinated with trees my respect for her goes down with every second

- she wants to hit that and you know what? She's valid

- "youre my destiny"

"BLEHGR ......what???"

On all levels except physical, Daniel is barfing so hard right now

- also ???? Destiny??? Ok george mcfly

- this psycho: anyway so me and my mom....

daniel: can we back track for a sec I have some thoughts

- "surprisingly difficult to kill you isnt it?" You got no idea Jack smh

- "nice dress"

- sg1 as slaves is something tho 👀

- I'm laughing theyre throwing a feast for Daniel while the rest of them mine coal. Tough luck guys

- 700 years old YIKES

- "I dont think you understand what they mean to me" ❤💕❤💕❤💕❤☺❤☺❤❤❤❤☺☺☺💗💗💗

- daniel being treated like the princesses boy toy lol

- honey.......dont sleep in the sarc

- what possessed him to think that this is a good idea

- jack, tealc, and Sam update: still in the mine!

- DANIELS HAIR IS POOF

- hes LOST his marbles

- "and look!!! No glasses!!" Hes so excited

- hes getting obsessed with this thing

- 9 or 10 times in the sarc???

Jack: hes drunk as fuck

- hes definitely considering marrying her. Bro youre already married. Did you forget

- Temper!Daniel

- ok so hes totally brain washed!

- he felt out of place on earth :(. You know what? The Sarc is bringing out his deep down thoughts and feelings. Things he wouldnt ever tell anyone bc when hes in his right mind, his logic counter acts these thoughts. But his logic is gone so hes just voicing everything he normally wouldn't

- sams memories of jolinar telling her whats what with the sarc! 💪

- its taking his SOUL WHAT THE HELL

- lounging!Daniel "HI JACK!!"

- hes LOST IT FOLKS THATS IT. HES AN EMPTY VESSEL NO THOUGHTS

- kicking his little feet

- of course he wants to marry a woman he met 4 days ago

- "he cant live without me anymore" OH THIS GIRLS A BITCH. SHE DID THIS TO HIM ON PURPOSE. ALRIGHT LADY SQUARE UP SOMEONE HOLD MY BEER

- "we offer the friendship of our world"

".......well thanks"

Jack is having NONE of her shit and I wholeheartedly agree

- awkward kissing!!

- jittery!daniel

- sir that is no way to talk about your wife. So what if shes different when u get her back! So are you! People change! God not having a logic filter in your brain must be exhausting

- concerned!Sam

- ALRIGHT when you start knocking shit over on purpose its time to sit in the corner on time out

- hes having withdrawals. Didnt I already say this man has been thru Enough

- Jack literally jumps on him to hold him down. Did he crush daniels pelvis or what

- Sam is right they need to let him go thru it 😩

- how the hell did he pull fraiser all the way over him lmfao hes not that strong

- oh boy! Crazy!Daniel

- 🚨the archeologist is loose🚨

- "I know what its like" oh???? Jack has dealt with addiction????

- caretaker!jack

- this is heart breaking

- when he just hugs him. Just holds him. The acting from both of them is making me sob

- P3H826 is ready to be sg1s next mission!

- daniels okay!!!! He got thru it ✊😌

- P3R636 is the planet with the Sarc and princess dick face.

- "id like Daniel back on the team" 😤😤😤😤😤😤

- I dont care about you! Stupid bitch! Manipulative ass hat

- Daniel step away from the sarc

- clearly you have no idea what love is if you think its just keeping ppl hostage

- he literally tells her to stop using it and she IMMEDIATELY picks up a staff weapon and blows it to hell like it took zero effort to convince her

- welp! Cry all you want! Youre a dumb bitch and I hope i never see you again lol

- Let Daniel Rest 2k20

~

Whump under the cut

Daniel jackson whump: threatened, gunpoint, sore, nervous, crushed by rockslide, healed by sarc, addiction, brain washing, jittery, withdrawal, anger outbursts , passing out, hospital scene, red eyes, sweaty, pleading, restrained, losing his mind, crying, breaking down, caretaker Jack.

Jack Oniell whump: kicked, hit with staff, coughing, fight with daniel

Whole team whump: forced kneeling, dirty, tired, weak, forced to mine

No glasses!Daniel for 90% of episode

🎶listening to Happiness Is A Warm Gun from Across The Universe Soundtrack🎶 for daniels struggle with addiction

🎶listening to Gone by Bazzi🎶 for Daniel being so confident that he was fine

[secretagentspydetectiveninja]

More of the Misadventures of Aish rereading Misadventures and fixing typos, like a cowardly fool because I can’t sleep

chapters 21-25 oh no here we go

(actually I did this in like November on my phone but only just now remembered that I never posted it so here ya go, this is all weeks old)

Okay so with the chapter titles, I didn’t actually start naming them until about ch27 or so, but I had already nicknamed this chapter something like “IT’S FRIENDSHIP YOU COWARDS” bc this one got a surprising amount of notes on tumblr and I’m 99% sure most of the people who read it did not realize that this is in fact a Kimax fic

And also THIS CHAPTER WAS THE TURNING POINT. I could either have kept the fic rly lighthearted until way near the end, or decide to start shoving in the Angst much quicker. 3 guesses what I picked >:D

Oh highkey same Alix?? except for me it’s not superpowers or anything it’s just called “anxiety disorder”

The obliviousness physically pains me

I’m the guard who just blatantly lets Alix steal popcorn. also why was there just casually popcorn there. god I don’t even know what I was thinking when I wrote any of this

Oh yeah I remember!! I was mad at people setting off the smoke alarm while making popcorn in the middle of the night!! just uni things am I right

...why am I noticing now that the whole popcorn thing is just a metaphor for Kim’s entire love life I am going to throw this fic out of the window I swear

IT REALLY IS, UGH I HATE THIS, ARE YOU TELLING ME I DID THAT BY ACCIDENT

this is a freaking game of Civilization where one civ takes a runaway lead in the science victory while the rest are all still stuck in the industrial era

Kim is me watching dinosaur movies too tbh, dinosaurs are so frickin rad

well this is depressing

and adorable

I hate so much that I know what the Bad Dream means I hate it I hate it I h

IT’S OKAY KIM I’M PROUD OF YOU, YOU’RE MY SON AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

“It’s not up to you to question why people care about you so just roll with it” damn past me, that’s actually some really good advice???

Alix is a Kimax shipper even this early in the fic, btw. whenever she talks to them about each other she’ll always say stuff like “oh yeah you two are so close” or “he cares about you so much” without specifying whether she means that platonically... my dudes... she’s shipping it

Kim having an existential crisis in early hours of the morning is such a mood because it’s 2am and I’m having one right now

BAD FORESHADOWING, YES BAD THINGS ARE GOING TO START HAPPENING SOON LIKE ASSASSINATIONS AND STUFF, YOU WEREN’T WRONG

Alright chapter 22 now

the carriage guards!! my favourite characters in the entire fic!!!!!! they’re the BEST okay they just casually chill at school through the entire thing and only show up again in the last chapter omg they’re so amazing I love them??? absolute LEDGES

Kim’s parents being all like “yeah if our son doesn’t wanna come home from school then just KIDNAP HIM and bring him back lmao”

“Hey, do you want me to threaten your guards with my snake or something?” WAS THAT FORESHADOWING??? BECAUSE SHE VERY MUCH DOES DO THAT LATER. TO DIFFERENT GUARDS YES BUT IT’S LEGIT A THING SHE DOES

talking on the phone is stressful? yes it’s that good old “anxiety disorder” again, really a pain tbh

god I’m so proud of Kim, already that good good character development

also Kim’s grandma is me

omg I have to put Kim and Alix’s dumb chess games in the sequel, I came up with an entire thing about how they blatantly cheat etc and it’s ridiculous and Max gets a headache whenever he has to “referee” (aka make sure they don’t fight), it’s so great okay

me: *thinks about chapter 34 and throws up*

oh I’m the snake too btw. the snake also will hate chapter 34

Max holy moly repressing your feelings isn’t healthy??? stop that

hhhhhhh chapter Lila now, like literally that’s the entire chapter 23, it’s basically just Lila

this is just the damn Volpina episode

dupainchien!!!!! dupainchien!!!!!!!!!

I know this isn’t even that much of a big deal in this fic but like... can Marinette and Adrien just get together already lmao

hskdjhdkjfhgs for the record Lila and Kim is actually a pretty good ship?? but they’d both try to out-brag each other and it would be ridiculous so uh

hm anyways. time for CHAPTER AROACE

Kim’s like. ABOUT TO start falling for Max oh thank god, I need this

Lila: *just stabs Kim’s homework with a parasol*

Kim just... Did That??? WE STAN

(oh and later note: in this he just treats Lila like how Adrien treated her in Chameleon lol)

I remember at this point I wasn’t sure if Lila would actually really return in the fic, and then literally like 2 chapters later I brought her back already because damn that girl needs a redemption arc

do I hug Kim or do I hug Max?? you FOOLS, you ABSOLUTE BUFFOONS, I am going to hug ALIX for having to deal with all their romo bullshit

Max trying to get drunk on orange juice is the mood

JULEKA’S MAGICAL GAYDAR!!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!!

(also Juleka is absolutely wearing a Reflekta dress)

Juleka, outright: “Max. my dude. alix is aroace you dense idiot. you are all idiots. you absolute fuckwits.”

I’m still the snake btw

hhhhhhhhhh I wanna make a daisy chain now, or just go outside and sprawl in some grass, I can’t because it’s 2.30am and I live in the city and it’s winter, screw this fic for making me miss my school days

oh no I’m having an allergic reaction again

I mEAN IT’S CUTE THO, IT’S CUTE, BUT I KNOW WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN A BIT LATER SO THIS IS JUST PAINFUL

“You need more sleep” me calling myself out

I am going to hit Kim over the head,,

STOP BEING WEIRD JUST TELL HER YOU LIKE HER?? GOOD GOD I DON’T EVEN SHIP IT AND I STILL WANT YOU TO GET A BLOODY MOVE ON

oh good, he wants to smack himself in the face too

no nonono no Alix I think you are cute too. but you see, I mean it in the adopting way. but you ARE objectively adorable (source: the Reverser episode and also like all the other episodes) people just don’t say it in this au because of your TERRIFYING PET SNAKE

she offered to give him a telephone... lov that foreshadowing

*unimpressed* “are you in love with me?” OH FUCKING FINALLY

skdfhskdjfhsd avoiding people and having a heart attack when someone knocks on your door? I see the return of that anxiety disorder eh

Alix didn’t bring the snake (me) with her on purpose bc she knows Kim is still a bit scared of it at this point and doesn’t want him to be in a bad mood while she’s crushing his heart and soul

GOD YES I LOVE THIS SCENE

I hate myself because when I was writing this I was thinking “oh mood?? oh mood worm same hat???” and yet still. didn’t. realize. I’m. aro. *le sigh*

I’m gonna cry this is so sweet

“So are bossy, intimidating, hot girls your type?” no actually because Ondine is neither bossy nor intimidating (tho yeah she is hot) (and not particularly relevant in this fic unfortunately)

Alix is not in fact as oblivious as she claims to be btw, she just thinks it would sound mean to say “oh yeah I guessed you had a thing for me but I aggressively ignored it bc it annoyed me since I’m aroace lmao”

I’m genuinely going to hecking cry omg I remember now why this was my Ultimate Brotp for so long ugh it’s so good, @ ZAG LET KIM AND ALIX BE FRIENDS

I’m laughing?? so hard??? at the fact that their height difference is so ridiculous that literally like he has to kneel down??? god this is the funniest thing

oh also btw she was internally debating with herself like “should I give him the mistletoe kiss?? sounds gross but I feel so bad for him dammit” and decided to right there on the spot because she was lowkey curious anyway, which I’ll be honest is still an aro mood

OMG I’M ACCIDENTALLY SUCH A GENIUS OMG LISTEN NO LEMME EXPLAIN

SO LIKE. there are two (2) instances in this fic where I tried to pretend to be funny by dropping in the word “heartrate”. one is near the beginning, and the other is right here

in other words, the exact start and end points of Kim’s crush on Alix?? AND I DID THAT BY ACCIDENT OMG I’VE CHANGED MY MIND I’M PROUD OF MYSELF NOW

oh... oh no. uh oh. the dreaded evil Chapter Twenty Hecking Five

it’s called “Pain” for a reason. also my OG nickname for it was “Death”. also for a reason.

I even listened to Death Valley (the FOB song) on repeat while writing it (along with the next like 9 chapters lol) because the word DEATH just seemed so accurate

no really this is THE real turning point in the fic, where it stops being just a dumb teen movie and starts being all A N G S T Y

like this is the first chapter that has NO lightheartedness AT ALL

okay. here we go

this is all??? foreshadowing??? for dumb chapters like 30 and 34??? I Hate

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO THE SNAKE

I’M HAVING A HEART ATTACK JUST READING THESE WORDS THIS IS SO HORRIFYING ALEXA PLAY DEATH VALLEY

this is the equivalent of seeing a kwami die, for the record. like I know kwamis can’t die but THIS IS HOW IT WOULD FEEL

god this is even worse in hindsight knowing what happens later, bc poor Alix is all like @ herself “oh well it’s a nightmare so it’s not real” and I’m just like... oh dear. honey. sweetie. welp. I mean on the bright side you’re psychic so that’s kinda cool right

I love how Jalil is actually really sweet and a genuinely cool brother, you just never get to see it when Kim’s around bc he hates Kim lmao (I mean for good reasons..)

“I can’t live without this snake!” I MEAN YOU’RE NOT WRONG

these timeline powers are SO cursed man. why was I so evil and cruel holy actual shit

(the whole “some character deaths but not really” tag refers to all this clusterfuck btw)

okay it’s funny how this bit with Adrien is the Collector episode despite it not having aired yet when I wrote this, I guess I’m psychic too

Nathalie being sympathetic huh? not so much in the sequel when I get round to it...

Adrikins being all “I DEMAND TO SPEAK TO THE MANAGER” I’m dying

uh yeah there’s a difference between being grounded, and like, literal actual house arrest

damn... capitalism really is bad

so is imperialism

fix this damn typo thing where I used the word “soon” twice in one sentence like was that really necessary

DUPAINCHIEN

I love how Kim is so obviously bi that even Marinette notices and straight-up tries to set him up with a hot commoner boy

oh noes here comes The Death

Hi Aish Snekwami, I am afraid

god imagine how horrible it must be??? to have something traumatic happen in another timeline but you’re still aware of it in this one so you still suffer the effects even though nothing bad happened in this timeline????

Max shows up for two seconds this chapter to remind everyone that I have an anxiety disorder again and then hecks off, good for him

HOLY FUCK?!?!?! IMAGINE LITERALLY DYING ACTUAL DEATH IN ANOTHER TIMELINE AND EVEN THOUGH YOU SURVIVE IN THIS ONE YOU STILL HAVE TO LIKE. FEEL THE WHOLE TIME YOU’RE DYING OF GODDAMN COBRA VENOM HOLY FUCK WHY DID I MAKE THIS SO ANGSTY

I mean I think I remember writing this when I was on a very heavy painful period which full-on incapacitated me but like even that’s nowhere near as bad as fucking. snake. bite (ye I did some research, it was creepy...)

man this is so evil... I can’t

THIS IS HOW IT FEELS TO DIE

god that’s so haunting ughhhhhhhhh

honestly whenever I stub my toe etc I always think to myself “is this karma for that time I lowkey killed Alix off in chapter 25?” and yeah, it probably is

OKAY THAT’S ENOUGH FOR NOW

[itsybitsylemonsqueezy]

Gotham 4x04: A Liveblog

Once again, friends, I come to you with review and summary of the latest Gotham events. And Ed’s back this time. ...god help us all.

TL;DR - I wonder what’s happening in the REAL Gotham where character motivation still makes sense

Ben, whatever happens, I’m holding you personally responsible

Side Note: what exactly IS an embalming knife? Like... where does a knife come into the embalming process? Is this the knife you use to carve out the mushy bits, is that it? Because like... to my knowledge, embalming is a primary function of embalming liquid. Like... mostly it’s preserving and shit. And I don’t know how a knife preserves fuck all. But maybe someone who knows anthropology or mortician practices can explain this to me.

“That cuneiform is definitely pre-Venetian” ...did... did I just hear that right? Oh, PHOEnician... that makes way more sense. I was just... had a heart attack for a second. Carry on.

Look Bruce, you could have a friend your own age! Or... you know, continue to live alone with your butler like... all normal kids do. I suppose you have Cat but... mmm. mm.

...Ed’s fine. He’s fine. Upside down in his... obsession pit. He’s fine.

It’s a TOTALLY NORMAL and HEALTHY thing to paste thousands of pictures of your ex all over the walls while you contemplate revenge, yeah that... this is fine. It’s all Fine.

You’re uh... looking a little ramshackle and disheveled there Ed, OH HEY KNIFE. HI, uh... Okay. Did you fucking... DRAW sketches of Oswald yourself? Oh my god Ed... oh my god. See you haven’t changed at all really.

Yeah, he seems fine

Meanwhile, stuffed birds all over the place. I’m sure that’s... fine

You know, it’s pretty great how ancient cultures are always keen to write their hellish prophecies on their murder weapons, always appreciate that

UHHHHHH SABER SKELETON. UHHHHHH. UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. *Randall Tier flashbacks* UMMM UMMM UMMM UMMM. I JUST UH. I FEEL LIKE YOU GUYS MIGHT WANT TO BE CAREFUL WITH THE ALLUSIONS YOU’RE MAKING GUYS. YOU DON’T HAVE A WILL GRAHAM TO SAVE YOU.

Just... just all of the safe. All of the safe.

Maybe uh... maybe don’t talk about the Demon’s Head being a person and then cut to a saber skeleton. Maybe we don’t encourage brutal fledgling serial killers hahahahaha. 

That uh... sure is some hair, there, Alexander Siddig. God this show’s aesthetic is fucking weird. 

...this whole sequence has been nothing but Hannibal allusions.

They are REALLY pushing for the Hannibal aesthetics. Got a real crush on that show.

Look Bruce! Your new friend has ALSO been traumatized by witnessing the death of his guardian! You have so much in common!

*frowns* Harvey left and didn’t tell Jim??? Like, given what happened this summer, I can totally understand Donal not being around for filming but... write it better than “Harvey left and didn’t tell Jim” Because that’s bullshit.

I also DO NOT WANT TO PARTICIPATE in a love triangle where 2 women fight over Jim’s soul NO NO NO NO NO. So if that’s where this is going FUCK OFF, FUCK EVERYTHING, AND FUCK YOU.

Welp, seeing another dead guardian should stir some shit up for Bruce

At least this sends Jim back to Barbara... I mean, that’s not really a positive, but at least I don’t hate Jim and Barbara, mainly because they have the stamp of canon on them

I don’t know how I feel about Babs hair this season, it’s... different

Okay, HARD NO on Ra’s-al-Ghul’s underlings, HARD NO. I just came from American Gods and THAT IS NOT ANUBIS. For one thing he’s white. What.

Intense staring contest with bowler hat. Oswald’s So Over It.

What’re you expecting Ed to jump out of it? Holy shit Oswald, calm down

I... you didn’t want to be disturbed... during your staring contest with the hat??? I... okay. Also, maybe close your fucking door then, it was wide open. Just saying.

Huh... Oswald and Sofia are meeting. Okay. Better put the masturbation hat away then Oswald, it’s a little too revealing

Hmmm... be careful Oswald. You’re right to be wary of her, don’t let her fool you. Also, Maybe Talk To Jim About This.

...White Rabbit. Really. *long, put upon sigh*

AAAAAAAAAAND the worst rap of all time! Well DONE Ed!

Oswald’s reactions to this are everything. Bless you Oswald. I love you. 100% everything I feel too.

Belated Side Note: Zsasz used to work for Falcone, and Falcone has taken control of him back from Oswald on occasion. Why then does Zsasz offer to stab Sofia? Is he truly loyal to Oswald now? Or was his relationship exclusively with Carmine? OR is it a bluff and Sofia’s already tapped him? Or will she tap him later? Lots of questions... lots of questions.

Yeah because WHY would you murder the guy??? It’s WAY more healthy for your psychological state to just... keep him on ice forever. That’s progress.

“I want Ed Nygma” we... we know Oswald. we know.

Always, ALWAYS the fucking docks. Goddddd. PLEASE GET A NEW SPOT YOU TWO.

Also, Oswald, DID YOU NOT LISTEN TO THAT??? That WASN’T a riddle, that was... statements. His brain is SHOT. God knows what a second spell in the ice will do.

Also also, I can guarantee that Ed won’t even be at the docks because he’s a dumbass now. And somehow the obvious answer will be wrong.

Um, frankly, I wouldn’t trust Bruce if I was Alex, Bruce is 100% the person who got Alex’s granddad killed. I’d be super pissed at Bruce. But... y’know, okay, whatever. Moving the plot forward.

Ahhh, Alex is giving Bruce the benefit of the doubt, I see. Nice kid. Very generous in his grief.

Also, why the shit would he come after you? He wanted the KNIFE, that’s it. I mean... I guess you’re a witness, but he didn’t see you so he doesn’t know about you. You’re not in danger kid. At least, not so much danger the police can’t take care of it, for once. You’re very much safe as houses until the plot inevitably fucks this up.

It would be a good idea to give up the knife tho, then you’re really in the clear

How the FUCK is Ra’s-al-Ghul at the library! How does he know to come here? Presumably he knew to come to the antiquities room because he was tracking Bruce because Babs told him to... I guess he could have tracked Bruce here then. Meh.

Ah yes. The creatures. Fuck that.

White people speaking ancient Middle Eastern languages. Mmmm nothing like it.

Ah, the old collapsing book case technique! Because no one thinks to GET OUT OF THE WAY of that shit. Nah, just gotta stand here and be crushed by the 3 ton weight of literature. It was my destiny to die this way.

Oh, I see, you’re just going to make like a harmless academic and this knife has been in your family for generations, of course...

You’re awfully paranoid kid. I mean... I suppose you were attacked now, so... I guess that’s justified

Uhhhh, kid, Bruce is not a Good Example of literally anything. He’s been training to become the world’s most popular vigilante for a few years now and that was born out of this very trauma so... y’know, don’t compare yourself to him. Please don’t. We don’t need more Batmans.

“No, you’re cool” I think you mean wealthy. Wealthy and cool CAN intersect but I feel like this is a classism thing. Let me provide you with a book on Marxism, kid.

If this doesn’t turn into another exploration of sexuality subplot, I’m gonna be disappointed

Uh, if he’s here on international business, like... check his visa Jim, he should have legal paperwork and shit to take that knife back to Nepal

JIM. WHY ARE YOU TELLING A MURDER SUSPECT THAT THERE IS A LIVING WITNESS. YOU’RE ACTIVELY PUTTING THE KID IN DANGER HOLY SHIT. HOLY SHIT NOT GOOD PROTOCOL JIM. Unless you were planning to trip him up on a lie, THIS IS NOT GOOD PROCEDURE JIM. THIS IS A HANNIBAL LEVEL FUCK UP. AS PEOPLE CONTINUE TO TELL HANNIBAL, THE ACTUAL CHESAPEAKE REAPER, SENSITIVE CASE DETAILS ALL THE FUCKING TIME. HOLY SHIT NO.

This... this whole interrogation is a shit show, oh my god, not great work, very bad work, the both of you. Awful lying, Get Good.

Welp. I guess Ra’s-al-Ghul can teleport. Or turn fucking invisible. Glad that’s very justified. Everyone know if you get resurrected you get Special Powers. The divine amniotic sack gives to all.

Yeah because Sofia Totally Won’t Challenge Penguin For Power. That Defs Won’t Happen. And It Especially Won’t Involve Jim.

Oswald You Good. You Good Good Good Villain. How I Love Thee.

Brilliant babe who is rightfully suspicious after 3 seasons of this bullshit. Y’all fucking forget that Oswald is a sewer rat, you cannot trick him.

Oh boo hoo Sofia, I don’t trust you as far as I can throw you

Her criticism may be valid, BUT, on the other hand, as I said, Oswald’s lived through 3 seasons of this bullshit, while you lived the high life in Cuba. You might have your father’s perspective, but you don’t have any of Oswald’s hands-on experience. I still stand by Oswald’s decision to just murder them, he’s played the politics here long enough to know there is no loyalty amongst thieves. Not for him.

You know, it’s very considerate of Ra’s-al-Ghul to break shit every time he enters a scene so we know he’s here. Very thoughtful of him.

Oh it’s his fucking creatures again... ugggghhhhhhh...

More quality rapping! Good job Ed! Continuing to be the Best!

HAHAHAHAHA *more Randall Tier flashbacks* HAHAHAHAHAHA! ALL of the Hannibal allusions! Phew!

...no. no to the bone gag. just no.

Yeah, kid’s dead. Good job Ra’s-al-Ghul, at least you come through on your weird ass threats.

I mean... Ra’s totally made you make that call tho Bruce, this is his sick game, it’s on him. No one should have to decide between the death of one innocent or the deaths of millions of innocents. That’s a bullshit moral quandary that doesn’t actually exist. He wants you to think like he thinks, that’s all, this is psychological warfare, that’s the whole point. Remind yourself he did this, not just for the active murder, but more so because he thinks there is something to be gained by making you do this. He’s the asshole responsible.

Ed, I’m just... sweetie, pumpkin, if your point is to prove Oswald is a coward or an idiot, then... you proved it. Running after him sorta... disproves your point. If you want to meet him and murder him then... make that the point. Just... show up and murder him in the first place. *siiiigh* Or invite him to a cordial murder, whatever, but don’t make it a contest of wits if what you rally want is a confrontation. Get your shit together.

*nods* He’s right, they do suck, they were AWFUL

This... that... was bizarre. This was bizarre. What... exactly does Oswald want? I don’t understand. I know Ed isn’t himself anymore, but... you could help him. You could help him become himself again. And you both hate and are afraid of the Riddler. Why... would you want him back? As you just said, you want him only to freeze him. And just... that personality wasn’t even WHOLE, it was a fractured disaster. That wasn’t even a person. Just like this isn’t even a person. Why would you taunt Ed with saying “you’re not him”? I know you want Ed as an equal, but... do you think he can only be your equal as the Riddler? Who you hate and fear? You’ve got some weird ideas floating around in your head, Oswald. I would make the argument that you don’t hate or fear the Riddler nearly as much as you claim to and you want to bang the living daylights out of him, but like... *siiiigh* I dunno. You didn’t always want that. You wanted Ed to be whole and your equal. Nothing you’ve seen of him since he was your chief of staff has been real. None of it, all of it was a mistake, aborted attempts at personalities. And I just don’t know what you want anymore if you won’t take this broken, defunct Ed and help him.

You’re pushing him towards becoming the Riddler again, so I guess that’s what you want. And maybe you’re tired of being his mentor, after all, you tried that, reluctantly, and that went SO well. Maybe you hope/expect him to work it out for himself, and come back to you when he’s ready. That would put your relationship in a WAY different paradigm than it has been... but... okay??? I guess??? I’m having another time of not knowing what the hell the writers want for them

Why. why why why why. I hate everything.

I hate Jim so much

Ben You Done Fucked Up.

[tiredcommunisstt]

1. Whats the real reason i’m confused right now? 

uhm theres a lot of things that are confusing me like basically what the fuck is going on with my life and why i can’t leave or lose feelings for my abuser who just so happens to be my boyfriend.

2. Do i ever get good morning texts?

lol no

3. If your significant other smoked pot would you care?

it'd honestly be preferable 

4. Do you find it easy to trust others?

absolutely. until they give me reasonable cause not to, in that case, i may never trust them again. 

5. what were you doing at 11pm last night?

falling asleep w my headphones in

6. You're drunk and lost walking down a road, who is with you?

probably @shez-a-goner

7. What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on?

welp. funny you should ask. theres not much you can do except exist in a permanently soul-shattered state. 

8. are you close with your dad?

no. i don’t know my real dad whatsoever and my adoptive dad and me never talk.

9. I bet you kissed someone last night, right?

yes

10. What are you listening to?

currently, the sound of alex flushing the toilet.

11. You can only drink one liquid for the rest of your life- what is it?

Uhm? what the fuck else would it be? water obviously

12. do you like hickeys?

the idea, yes. i don't like getting them, they kinda hurt.

13. what time do you go to bed?

mainly before midnight. like around 11 ish.

14. is there someone who constantly lets you down?

yes

15. can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both?

no

16. do you always answer texts?

no

17. Do the hate the person you fell the hardest for? 

its complicated

18. when was the last time you talked to your best friends?

last night

19. is there someone that make you happy everytime you see them? 

yes @shez-a-goner

20. what was the last thought you had before you went to bed last night?

i fucking love xanax

21. is anyone else in the room with you?

my boyfriend

22. do you believe what goes around comes around?

yeah

23. where you happier four months ago than you are now?

nah it was winter dude. i don't fucks with winter.

24. is there someone you wish you could fix things with?

no

25. in the past week have you cried?

yeah

26. what color is the shirt you're wearing?

blue

27. do people ever call you by your last name?

no and they better not i hate that shit.

28. is anyone ignoring you right now?

probably god.

29. do you have a best friend?

yes

30. would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed?

yes. I've imagined him kissing her a billion trillion times in my head though so its whatever.

31. who was your last call from?

my probation officer

32. are you mad at anyone?

always and forever

33. have you ever kissed someone older than you?

yeah

34. how old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday?

21 

35. how many more days till your birthday? idk. its on october 29th.

36. do you have summer plans yet?

no

37. do you have any good friends of the opposite sex?

yeah

38. are you keeping anything from your best friend now?

no

39. do you have a secret you've never told anyone?

yeah

40. have you ever regretted kissing someone?

yeah

41. do you think age matters in relationships? 

yes and no, if its some predator shit then yes. if you're both other than like 20 and you have a few years between you it doesn't matter at all.

42. are you available?

for what

43. how many people have you had real, strong feelings for since high school ended? 

one

44. if you had to get a piercing(not ears) what would you get?

nose or belly button

45. do you believe exes can be friends?

depends

46. do you regret anything?

of course. 

47. honestly whats on your mind right now?

everything. I'm overwhelmed with my life right now and i wish i could just run away.

48. did you ever lose a best friend?

yeah

49. was your last kiss a mistake?

not really.

50. why arent you pursuing the person you like?

they're taken 

51. has the person you last kissed ever seen you cry? 

considering the fact that they're primarily the reason i cry, yes

52. do you still talk to the person you last kissed?

duh, i live with them

54. what was the last thing you ate?

the CARS movie shaped mac and cheese

55. where are you going on your next vacation?

hell.

56. do you own anything from other countries?

most likely.

57. are most of your friends girls or guys?

girls

58. where have you lived most of your life?

the state of despair.hahahah uh, michigan

59. when was the last time you took a long drive?

considering the fact that alex fucking just randomly drives around forever and ever, probs recently. 

60. have you ever played spin the bottle?

yeah. at a bonfire and in ninth grade at the end of the year school picnic.

61. have you ever TP’d someones house?

uhm no but i had this huge crush on a girl when i was like 13. and my friends preston, cara, and i snuck out of their house at night and walked over to her house and poured cans of peaches and cream of mushroom soup all over her parents cars because she didn't like me back. #wild

62. who do you text the most?

alex and vickii

63. what was the last movie you saw?

bad santa 2

64. whats preventing your current boyfriend/girlfriend from going back to their ex?

HAAAAA. the fact that he cheated on her(with me....even though technically me and him were dating first) AND SHE HATES HIS FUCKING gUts. he broke her fuckin heart i highly doubt she ever wants to see his faggot face ever again.

65. how many bf/gfs did you have in 2010?

none lmao i was like 12.

66. is the last person you kissed younger than you?

HE ACTS IT. (but no)

67. do you curse around your parents?

fuck no.

68. are you happy with where you live?

no

69. pic of myself? 

no

70. are you a monogamous person or do you believe in open ended relationships?

hum if we're fucking dating i better be the only fucking one bitch

71, have you ever been dumped?

no

72. what do you like the most about making out?

I've never really....made out.. with someone. to me its more intimate than like sex itself. and I'm really uncomfortable. i don't know how to kiss. if i ever make out with someone ill probably have to ask them to marry me because to me thats a Big Deal. 

73. have you ever casually made out with someone?

no bitch

74. when you kiss someone for the first time is it you who initiates it?

id rather die than make the first move

75. what part of a person body do you find the most attractive?

eyes. but i also like the underside of peoples wrists,,,like where their veins are. 

76. who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed?

alex

77. had sex with someone you knew less than an hour? 

yes. for drugs lol.

78. had sex with someone you didn't know their name?

uhm at the time i knew his name but I've forgotten it so when i go through my body count i just refer to him as john 

79. what makes your heart flutter and brings a big cheesy smile to your face?

i once had a big ass crush on this girl i used to work with at kroger and i always wanted to be her bagger cuz everything she did had me like motherfucking heart eyes lmao. 

80. would you get involved w someone who had a child already?

thats a question i do not know the answer to.

81. has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you?

no one has ever had a crush on me.

82. do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush?

literally like everyone EXCEPT for that person. when i have a crush on someone I'm like completely obsessed and wanna shout it from the mountains.

83. do you miss your last sweetie?

i miss Kroger cashier girl lol kinda i haven't had too many crushes. also this girl i was crushing on, but she like low-key doesn't like me and had a girlfriend the whole time lol

84. last time you slow danced with someone? 

probs prom 2015

85. have you ever dated someone you've never met?

no. thats fuckin Stupit

86. how can i win your heart?

uhmmmmmmmmm idk. i fall in love with people who make me laugh and people who are completely unavailable. so just make sure theres absolutely no way for us to ever come together and ill probably get down on one knee for the fuck of it. i love a good never-ending chase.

87. whats your sign?

S C O R P I O. and yes. i love being a scorpio. 

88. What were you doing last night at 12 am?

sleeping. 

89. do you cook?

not to brag but fuck yeah. i ran the kitchen at a small family restaurant called the yum yum tree. one thing I'm definitely great at.

90. have you ever gotten back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than three months of no communication?

no

91. if you're single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship?

switch that question around and it would be a yes. 

92. do you prefer to date various people or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly?

i want the real deal and nothing less. i don't like to play around with peoples feelings. 

93. what physical traits do you look for in a potential interest?

idk. i don't have a type. if all the things you have on your body come together in a cute way, you're cute, and i think you're cute, and thats that 

94. name four things you wish you had:

love

stability

happiness

my dream body

95. are you a player? 

no

96. have you ever kissed two people in one day?

yes

97. are you a tease?

yeah. i like to send nudes and shit to guys and then never respond to them after they compliment me:)

98. ever meet anyone you met on tumblr?

no

99. have you ever been deeply in love with someone?

i don't know. at this point in my life i don't think i really grasp what love is. its always me having strong feelings for someone and never having it returned....isnt that just infatuation?

100. anyone on tumblr you'd go on a date with?

theres like a billion people on this site I'm sure theres someone id go on a date with

101. hugs or kisses.

depends

102. are you too shy to ask someone out?

id rather die than ask someone out

103. the first thing i notice about the opposite sex?

probably their hair, facial features

104. is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe?

yeah

105. if a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew she/he was in a relationship, would you go for it?

fuck off. 

106. do you flirt a lot?

like never

107. your last kiss?

like twenty mins ago

108. have you kissed more than five people since the start of 2011?

maybe close but maybe not. idk

109. have you kissed anyone in the past month?

uh yeah. whats with the intense interest in kissing?

110. if you could kiss anyone who would it be?

a girl

111. do you know who you'll kiss next? 

i have an idea..

112. does someone like you currently.

well I'm in a relationship buttttttt i....doubt....it

113. do you currently have feelings for someone?

yes

[tikilimawmaw]

BRB

On the rare occasions that I care about my news feed, some things actually get my attention, aside from cute puppy gifs and stupid political fanaticism like wtf. Anyway, a “friend” shared this blog post about UPLB--my dear UPLB--and how uh-mazing that place is. I mean, I get it; it is a mystical, magical university (but not in a Hogwarts way) and, well, who could resist writing about, or instagramming it?

I apologize. I’m just at this point in my college life where I see everything under gray clouds, and I don’t mean the silvery kind. I mean dark, nimbus, let’s-do-relief-operations-after-this-storm, gray clouds. I hate that place, but every Monday when I return to the apartment there I’m always looking forward to walking the streets of Elbi. It’s weird.

Anyway, what I’m about to do is kind of a parallel narration according to the places described by the author/blogger. It’ll be a whiny, age-inappropriate sulking about how bad I feel in that wonderful place, but hey, I don’t know how to properly feel anymore. I need to do this.

(1 Baker Hall) The only fun I had in Baker Hall was Elbikon. Seriously. For one thing, the interior is very old--wooden steps, dramatic windows. Nothing wrong there; someone’s doing a splendid job on preservation (except that the temperature rises over unbearable degrees). Here’s the problem: the string ensemble of UPLB practices there. I hear violins, and I hate that. I hate missing the violin. It’s a piece of me that just doesn’t fit perfectly anymore when I try to get my shit together again. I mean, it fits, but not exact-o.

(2 Carillon Tower) For four years I’d lived in the same dormitory and every time I needed a jeepney ride, I pass by the Carillon Tower. It’s peaceful there; I hang around on my own and no one disturbs me because everyone else is too busy cuddling with his/her SO. It’s too peaceful actually, that all I could think about is that a pool of blood is too obvious at the foot of the tower. Besides, the gates are locked. No potential here.

Backspace. BACKSPACE.

(3 Student Union Building) Sigh. SU. Where do I even begin? Oh, wait, I need to get a number before I begin. Approximately 56 minutes before I get called. LIES! It’s like all you want to do there is rush in, get things done, rush out. But you can’t. Because you’re queued. The bathrooms are okay, I guess. I thought that SU was supposed to symbolize the university embracing the student, making them feel welcomed and that they are free to do whatever hell they want (bleargh). That’s funny, because I feel more welcomed by the river behind it. 

(4 Trees) I have this theory that the trees in UPLB are majestically large because they feed upon the souls and hopes and dreams of thousands and thousands of students, on-time and delayed, every semester. This may be only in my head, but I honestly feel like my energy is always drained when I’m there. Maybe that’s why Thursday is drinking day: so students can at least carry on through Friday and the weekends without feeling like shit. Me? I drink Mondays. And Tuesdays. And We--

(5 DL Umali) I don’t think I’ll ever walk the stage of DL Umali with pride and confidence ever again. I used to be a student achiever: college scholar and honor roll, promising GWA. I shake hands with the dean; I get a certificate. Now, I’m just a probationary student with nine failed units and one INC that all happened in one epic semester. Epic fail, that is. 

That’s not all. Our org holds our annual exhibit in the gallery at the basement. And I haven’t had any WIPs for a year. I can’t stress enough how I lost my will to draw. Recently, art has only been a way to calm me down. That’s great, right? At least I still have it. God.

(6 Nihon Koen) I think I’ll be seeing this torii regularly starting Tuesday. It’s a fun way to travel down from the UHS, where the psych is in TTh 2-5 pm. 

UPLB Tip #562: There are desperate pervs in pretty decent bathrooms. DO NOT give in to the temptation no matter how much of your life you’ve given up, because you can get sick. Or pregnant. Or worst, videoed. Besides, his dick was tiny.

(7 Thai Pavillion) Hang around this exotic gazebo every afternoon before dusk if you want to ogle at fit people stretching, and jogging, and basically all other things you don’t have the energy for, a.k.a taking care of your body. Plus, they have dogs. Dogs are one of the reasons I don’t let go.

(8 Freedom Park) Again, a haven for healthy people: F-park. Fit park. Food park. Fuck park. Whatever you wish: it’s Freedom Park. Here’s a tip: unless you’re a Jesus person, don’t sit on the benches alone. Or at least have the guts to say “no, I don’t wanna hear about the five things that I need to know to be saved.” And besides, sitting alone on a bench in front of a lot of parked cars for a few hours is creepy. There was this one time I thought this old guy in his car was actually watching me. I could take the attention but that just sounds really slutty. Try sitting at the grandstand instead. 

(9 Mariang Banga) It doesn’t matter what religion or cult you belong in: Mariang Banga is real. Ask permission before picking a flower, apologize for stepping on grass, always appreciate the weather no matter how insufferable it is, because she has power over this land, you mortal. (I still think she cursed me with a hole for a heart and a jelly for a brain.)

(10 Palma Bridge) There was a time in my early college years when Palma Bridge was called Sperm Bridge but I won’t give any hints. Get it? Hint? Like, odor? No? How about “call of the void”? “High place phenomenon”? Urge to jump? Still no? Good.

(11 Molawin Creek) This river is the same river I was talking about. It actually runs pretty far. In one of my stupid adventures pre destructive semesters, I tried to discover what was behind my then-dormitory. You guessed it: a forest. Hah okay, the river comes after it. There was this spot that I liked--clear and cold water, decently dry rocks, some shade, no one else around. Bathing naked was fun. But on my next adventure, I got lost, so uh-uh I’m not going back. Or will I? (I conclude that these adventures comprise a death wish.)

(12 Park behind humanities) Behind CAS Building is this construction where we get rubble from. And the mound of gravel that was never removed served as another seat for our tambayan, where I always feel so awkward. 

(13 NCAS) One question: how the hell can I get on the NCAS rooftop? Ideation aside, a top view of O-park would be nice. 

(14 Office of the University Registrar) Soon enough, the registrar will not include me in the list of officially enrolled students because ma’am, I am tired. I need a break. And probably my TOR.

(15 Hum/CAS) Pretend to be a younger batch if you look the part. I always do. It gives the illusion that I’m still full of hopes and dreams, and it’s a good excuse for asking about things that I should know. The three CAS buildings and Physci are the good places to do it. And Copeland gym. 

(16 Two roads diverged by O-park) Lots of walks to clear the mind // Beware acquaintances, tell them you’re fine. // Groups of friends walking, pretty intimidating // Cross the road, the other side is empty: your thing.

(17 Gamma SIgma) Yeah, well I always thought it was a shade for the CSB. Sorrynotsorry.

(18 Heritage Tower) My happy memories include playing UNO with my friends under the Kwek-kwek tower and reading the ridiculous vandals like “Jherehmie luv Ehllah 4rvr 24″. I have nothing against Jherehmie and Ehllah, but come on, that tower was [awfully] repainted. I miss the times when I don’t suddenly stop and stare at nothing while I play UNO or sing karaoke with my friends. It’s awkward; I catch myself doing it. Nope. Nope.

UPLB Tip #847: It never hurts to be observant. Get really observant until you’re almost being a stalker. But not really. There are always patterns for everything, and you just really need to be good at knowing them. For example, your crush. Your crush has a schedule; on TTh he walks out of this building at this hour, on WF he enters another. Where does he live? Which jeepney does he usually ride, kanan or kaliwa? Observation, not stalking.

(19 UPLB Gate) I’ll be back, I promise.

(20 CEM...thingy) Forget that weird piece of artsy nonsense, that buried building at the back with the swastika is the mystery. I never bothered to know the history, but hey, it’s dark, wet and eerie--must be zombies. 

(21 Raymundo) I always dub this as “not my turf”. Since I’m not familiar with it, I also have adventures here (just to be clear, adventure meant walking and exploring, nothing else). I’ll miss rolling under the gate after curfew and deciding where to eat (usually takes around 15 minutes).

(22 Never-ending bridge) Again, with the bridges. Look, it’s a long way down but the aesthetics are great. There’re these pretty purple (or were they blue?) flowers and a thick canopy of ferns and broad leaves. Die pretty.

UPLB Tip #1036: Don’t shut everyone out. Ever heard of “don’t burn your bridges”? Yeah, well if you’re that kind of person who possibly needs to utilize people in the future, then go. But geez is that all there is to connections, the utility? What about just having fun conversations together, and lunches and dinners? IMHO, the people you meet at your later years in college are more likely to become “colleagues” than “friends”. Unless he’s the one. Squeal.

(23 Forestry route) While the torii is my way down, this road takes me up to the psych.

(24 UPLB) I hate my house. I hate my school. I just want to be in between, in the journey. I know I’ll get to the two points at some time in my life but not now. A view from afar would be nice. “I’ll be there,” I would say, “just give me a moment to catch up.” I’ll be right back.

Welp. That was awfully long. So here’s the blog, again. Vivid pictures, beautiful words, I am nothing. 

Edit: She’s on Tumblr. OH NO.

[ruiningvoldemortday]

PoA Chapter 10- The Marauder’s Map

- Ginny’s singing get well card is super adorable - “both appearances had ben followed by near-fatal accidents” good job Sirius stop scaring the shit out of the kid please - Draco you are such a little shit - Can we all appreciate the mental image of Ron throwing a crocodile heart and smacking Draco square in the face? - The students break it to Lupin that Snape was making them write about werewolves and you know Lupin has to have figured out why and the only reaction he has is to frown slightly and to appease his students with a sweet smile and ugh I just want to hug this poor man - “the same year I arrived at Hogwarts” SCREECH - Remus isn’t wrong about the horrors in Harry’s past but the dementors also affect him more because he has two souls so there’s that too - Lupin is described repeatedly as YOUNG, Cuaron, YOUNG. - I don’t know how I missed the depression analogue in the dementors’ description here before.  It seems so obvious - “Lupin made a sudden motion with his arm as though to grip Harry’s shoulder, but thought better of it.”  THAT WASN’T LUPIN THE TEACHER THAT WAS REMUS JAMES’S BEST FRIEND WANTING TO COMFORT JAMES’S SON BECAUSE REMUS COULD HAVE BEEN A FATHER FIGURE TO HARRY IN ANOTHER WORLD WHERE THERE WAS NO FIRST WAR AND HE KNOWS IT AND MAX HELP ME I’M FEELING - Lupin dropping his briefcase at the mention of Sirius’s name ugghghhghghg marauder feels :C - Dude, Ron and Hermione, go to your families for Christmas.  It’s not good when your lives revolve around your friends. - MARAUDER’S MAP MARAUDER’S MAP MARAUDER’S MAP - The twins’ snark makes me happy.  “young, carefree, and innocent” “Which upset him for some reason” you beautiful angels - The amount of magic that went into this map is incredible.  First they had to map out all of Hogwarts, which is a hell of a task.  Then they had to cast all those charms so that they could see anyone at any time as long as they’re inside the walls.  And THEN they put a bit of themselves into the map so it could insult Snape (according to Pottermore, it was JUST Snape) with such accuracy that they know he’s a professor, which is a magic we’ve only seen once with Tom Riddle putting his sixteen year old self into his diary.  And these kids were what, fourteen?  Fifteen?  When they did all that.  I mean holy shit say what you want about the Marauders, they were troublemakers, they are assholes, but they were BRILLIANT. - People ask how Fred and George figured out how to use the map, but I like to think that the bits of the Marauders teenage selves preserved in the map recognized fellow pranksters and told them - Those great curly words are either Remus having the best handwriting or Sirius being REALLY, REALLY extra and those are the only two options - I really, really, really super want a Marauder prequel please Jo please stop this foolishness with five Fantastic Beasts movies and give me Marauders pleeeeease - The ink on the map is green in the book.  Huh. - How did Fred and George never notice Peter in Ron’s bed?  Like?????I’m confused?????? - Neither of the two blocked passageways are actually blocked and aaaah - I LOVE HONEYDUKES except they didn’t build it with wide enough aisles but that’s a problem in both sections of Wizarding World of Harry Potter and I don’t UNDERSTAND I just want some chocolate frogs and Fizzing Whizbees and shit whyyyy - Now I’m hungry - Harry you are not supposed to be in Hogsmeade where is your cloak young man - “What if Black did know the passage was there?”  WELP I’ve got news for you - “Merry Christmas!  We’ve got soul sucking demons running around the town square!” - My copy of the book has a typo in it.  They spell Hermione’s name Hermoine on one page.  Editing fail.  It’s page 199 of the American hardcover edition, for the curious.   - Ugh, Hermione, why you gotta be such a buzzkill - Ron’s crush on Rosmerta is adorable - Butterbeer is indeed the most delicious thing I’ve ever tasted - Hagrid doesn’t seem to hold any ill will towards Fudge for imprisoning him for no reason last year - I always pictured Rosmerta with a thick Southern accent and I have no idea why - Glittery turquoise heels.  Lady’s got style. - Even on her nights off out drinking with the boys, McGonagall is done with everyone’s shit - Everyone’s so shocked by the idea that Sirius could go Dark.  Did no one ever consider the possibility that he DIDN’T?  I mean I know no one knew about the Animagi thing but come the fuck on.  And you know what really sucks?  Sirius is from a prominent pureblood supremacist family and he hated it.  Can you imagine how it felt, knowing everyone thought he’d turned out like them? - I have been crying over Sirius Black since I was twelve don’t mind me I’m just dying - MARAUDER PREQUEL NOW PLS - “They used to make me laugh” picture if you will Sirius and James melodramatically flirting with Rosmerta, each trying to outdo the other, playfully shoving each other on their bar stools and unable to keep a straight face while Remus and Peter hold their butterbeer in the background thinking about what morons their friends are - BROTHERS PLEASE KILL ME MY HEART CANNOT - I know it’s important but this whole section is quite “LOOK AT THE EXPOSITION.  LOOK AT IT DAMN YOU” when you get away from the intensity of my Marauder feelings - My entire brain is just screaming NO NO NO NO THAT’S NOT WHAT HAPPENED STOP - There has never been more truth in any piece of written language than this tumblr post. - “white and shaking he was” omg omg omg omg omg baby ;-;  Flying up to Godric’s Hollow as fast as his bike can go, praying he’s not too late but knowing he is, knowing he has a promise to James that he hoped never to have to keep and protect Harry and Hagrid being best dad goes and comforts him and ajfdsklsdklfjsdjdsajlkfsd can I please please please get this scene on paper omg please - “I won’t need it anymore” OMG SIRIUS BABY WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN AAGHGHHGGHHGHG It comes off as Sirius going to commit suicide because his best friend is dead, whether it be suicide by cop for what he plans to do to Peter for betraying them or AKing himself or SOMETHING and I just cannot handle my life right now - “What if I’d given Harry to him, eh?”  OH YES WHAT IF I LIKE THESE KINDS OF FICS. - fuck you Peter adsfjjsdjfks.  Everyone pitying him is nauseating on a reread. - “Little Pettigrew” um guys he’s twenty one he was a grown ass man - Sirius doing crosswords amuses me greatly, I don’t know why - Voldemort’s most devoted servant doesn’t come back for two more books thank you very much - HE WAS THEIR FRIEEEEEND.