#We are way past Halloween. Why is my life still a nightmare?

[animatedtext]

[thecrispydemon]

My Personal Elm Street:What Freddy Krueger and a Nightmare on Elm Street Taught Me about Myself

TW: brief mentions of rape, and abuse

When I was a kid I wasn’t allowed to watch Horror movies, however I’ve always had a fascination with dark things. When I went to the library I often read books about macabre topics such as, ghosts, and urban legends.

I would ask my classmates, or family members about horror movies they’ve seen, because I was afraid to watch them myself. One day, I was in my third grade classroom sitting with some of the other kids, I don’t remember how we began talking about horror, but I learned about iconic figures like Micheal, Jason, Chucky, but the one that made me the most uneasy was Freddy Krueger.

I remember lying awake at night, thinking about him, the burnt face, the glove with soldered razors, but worst of all was the idea of falling asleep and never waking up. Eventually I reached a point where I was tired of being afraid. Before I fell asleep I’d imagine going to meet him. I envisioned myself walking through a forest with serpentine trees poking out of the fog. The trail lead me to some decrepit cabin, and just behind the door he’d be there. The bright, ratty red and green sweater stood out from the rotting grey wood of the cabin. I don’t remember what was said, what I do recall is that I talked to him as if he were a friend, as if he were a misunderstood soul. Of course I knew this wasn’t the case, it was more about psychological comfort. I did this until my fear of him faded, once I accomplished that, so did his presence in my life, until much later, where he impacted me in a way I didn’t expect.

I started watching horror my freshmen year of high school, since I’m slow at watching new things, I didn’t watch a Nightmare on Elm Street until my senior year. The film peaked my interest, so I decided to watch the sequels. My passion for the franchise was cemented when I watched the second film, Freddy’s Revenge.

Have you ever heard a song that gave you chills the first time you heard it? As if the notes resonated off of something deep within? That was my experience watching Freddy’s Revenge, though I didn’t get chills I still felt that deep resonance. I felt a magnetic pull towards Freddy, like a reflection in a funhouse mirror, a reflection of you, but it isn’t. For a long time I couldn’t figure out why. In the beginning I thought I was experiencing another hyper-fixation, similar to ones I’ve had in the past.

For a year I spent my time learning about the franchise, reading, watching interviews, anything I could get my hands on I consumed. Despite my passion, there was a part of me that was anxious I was doing something socially unacceptable, or that I was liking something “the wrong way”, because Freddy is insinuated to be a child predator. I had a gut feeling that what I was experiencing was more passionate than just about being a fan. I felt like he was a part of my essence. I wouldn’t describe myself as a spiritual person, but something that is ingrained in your psyche, that is apart of your being. and I was afraid what people would think if they found out. I tried to convince myself to not feel the way I did, by imposing rules upon myself. I saw videos, and comments about how it’s “problematic” to simply like Freddy, which legitimized my fears. Despite my anxiety I kept on engaging with the series because it gave me a sense of comfort, and reassurance, ironically enough.

Eventually I wanted Freddy to be my next cosplay project. I gathered all of the things I needed, and on Halloween I woke up early to begin the several hours of makeup. I set to work, layering on latex, my face slowly morphing into his. When I was finished I was overcome with euphoria. As the sun began to set trick-r-treaters made their way through the neighborhood, I stood outside handing out candy. I wasn’t seen as my usual self, instead I was treated as if I was him. There was a level of authenticity that I felt. It’s like a suppressed part of me got to finally come to the surface.

While I learned about the franchise I found the fandom, which was a huge turning point for me. I found others with a similar passion, and they all seemed like average people. My worries about enjoying a “problematic” character lifted. However this did not address all of the emotions I was experiencing, because a lot of people didn’t experience the same intimate connection with Freddy as I did.

I wasn’t completely overcome with shame, due to spending time with my thoughts I determined that I don’t have malevolent tendencies, nor was it the cause for my connection with Freddy, instead it was examining his personality, motivations, and backstory that gave me insight.

From being a product of rape Freddy was mocked and socially isolated from his peers he was passed around several orphanages until being “adopted” by an abusive alcoholic. People treated him as evil by default. All throughout his life he’s only seen cruelty and pain. My life thus far has never been nearly as tragic, but being outcasted, and socially isolated is something that deeply resonates with me. Due to having physical disabilities, being queer, not to mention having undiagnosed ADHD made social connection that much harder. Overall I just couldn’t assimilate socially in school. Since I was undiagnosed, my ADHD symptoms were perceived as me being purposely difficult, like I was bad by default and needed to be “corrected”. Over time this led me to attain a strong sense of independence, and fierce internal rage. I became more vigilant and suspicious of others, in turn it made being vulnerable difficult. Though I wasn’t abused, I see some his fears in myself such as being afraid of being vulnerable, or asking for help out of fear of being seen as “weak”. Additionally having a burning determination in our goals.

Although there are nuances between how Freddy and I perceive the world, and how we treat others. To me he not only represents my darker nature, but my passion, individualism, and tenacity. Accepting him as apart of my identity has given me the strength to take up space in the world, that I deserve to be seen, respected, and to not allow myself to be taken advantage of. Throughout my journey I was afraid that my passionate connection to Freddy said something negative about my morality, or that I was endorsing his actions, but on closer examination I realized that I’ve learned a lot about myself. It’s easy to take a dichotomous view on morality, especially when it comes to fiction. The one takeaway I want to share, is to encourage others to examine their relationship with fiction, and what connects with them, because it’s not always the hero that we learn from.

[changingplumbob]

New Goth Household: Chapter 3, Part 1

In this part Milton struggles with nightmares, the household discuss their Winterfest plans and there are cats eating on the table... Sorry if there are typos in here, I'm setting it up while watching a livestream of a cat birth way past when I'm normally awake.

Back to Willow Creek for the holidays! I love how beautiful this lot looks when it snows. The Halloween decorations have been exchanged for some light up snowmen and inside some Winterfest wreaths have been hung. How awesome is it that this household (which includes a toddler) got spun for Winterfest! I’m not sure how much story will actually go on this chapter as my brain has trouble handling so many sims at once but I’ll give it my best shot.

Joey is still here for now. He finished his computer science degree last rotation. Well, technically he failed the last course due to a bug that stops my sims progressing with their uni coursework but luckily for me cheats helped me get him his deserved grade. He took the time to do homework, did an excellent presentation and took notes every class so there’s no way he did not deserve to pass.

Keira is in her final year of university, that biology degree will be complete in no time. Her girlfriend Marta works as a barista and spends time practicing on the piano outside their room. I have doubled the delay in skill building as it doesn’t make sense to me how some of my YA’s can have level 10 anything so we will see how that goes. Also, against my better judgement, I have increased how hard it is to build and maintain relationships as some of my sims maintain a full relationship bar by calling each other once a week. It’s helpful but probably not too realistic.

And in the newly renovated third floor we have Gertrude and Hamlet. Hamlet is no longer a kitten but a young cat. Also I swear I’m a responsible pet owner and Gertrude is spayed, I don’t know why she’s still making calls of love to the universe…

Newlyweds Alexander and James are adjusting to Alexander’s youngest brother Milton living with them. They tried offering him his own room but it didn’t take. After the death of his father and the disappearance of his mother Milton wanted to sleep where he could see Alexander. He is understandably having a few nightmares. It might make it difficult for the couple to have any kind of woohoo life but both Alexander and James are determined to put Milton first.

Sure enough Milton wakes up early and distressed. Climbing out of bed he bursts into tears, waking the slumbering couple.

Milton: Father dead! Mummy is dead! I’m dead! *wails*

James: It’s alright Milton, you’re safe now

Milton: I a flat pancake *wails*

Alexander: I’m coming buddy. Tell me what happened

Milton: Rock that killed daddy fell again and killed mummy

Alexander: It was just a dream Milton, we don’t know that she’s dead

Milton: Then rock roll to me and I try run but I not fast and rock squish me flat. I dead!

James: That sounds rather terrifying

Alexander: You’re awake now Milton. You’re alive, you’re safe. How about some breakfast huh

Milton: I... I can has cereal?

Alexander: Of course

Alexander scoops up his brother to carry him down the two flights of stairs.

Milton: Silas at daycare say he best brother but you best brother

Alexander: *laughs* You’re pretty good to buddy

Joey: So glad the watcher decided to give us a thermostat

James: I’m pretty sure I decided that

Joey: Sure. And you decided to rip out all your fireplaces for fun

Keira: I don’t mind, I’m still afraid of fire

Joey: Because now, we live in a green neighbourhood, go us!

Marta: A what

Alexander: He means it’s clean

Marta: Why not just say clean then. You simlish speakers

Alexander: I’m so hungry. I can’t wait to-

Hamlet: *meows* what’s this

James: Hamlet you really shouldn’t be on the table

Hamlet: *meows* bite me dad

Alexander: Okay I’m starving, why does he have to rub eating in my face

Marta: Why is he eating human food? Do you not feed him. As if it wasn’t bad enough that he wakes us up through walls

James: We have several bowls and litter trays all over the place

Alexander: Hamlet, leave some for me!

Milton tucks into his cereal happily eating the nightmares away. Keira begins her homework while Alexander manages to wrestle a plate of fruit salad from Hamlet.

James: Hamlet you really should not eat human food. It’ll mess up your insides

Hamlet: *hisses* Fight me

Marta: Any Winterfest plans

Joey: I’ll probably head to Tartosa, spend time with my parents

Marta: Keira was thinking we would visit her family too, spend some time in the sun

Milton: We have guests and presents

Alexander: That’s right. Cassandra and Rahul are going to visit with their kids

Milton: Savannah meanine

Alexander: She’s spirited Milton, just remember you’re older

Marta: I might see if there’s any odd jobs I can swing today. I told them I could cover weekends but that hasn’t worked out

Keira: Their loss

Marta: Thanks carino, good luck with the homework. Remember, almost done

Alexander: I need to start on mine but I have to get rid of this awful goatee first

Keira: Oh it is you. I thought it was a sasquatch using your voice

Milton: Sass- sass… sass catch

Gertrude jumps on the table and begins to eat.

Alexander: What the heck. Gertrude, you’re meant to be the older responsible one

Gertrude looks at him and pats the fruit salad questioningly

Alexander: Food is not a toy

Milton: *babbles to self about toys*

James: You all finished eating

Milton: Cereal good and Joey snuck me juice

James: Of course he did

Milton: What we do today uncle James

James: Well we need to get ready for Winterfest but you’re a bit small to help with that. How about a nice hot bath

Milton: With… bubbles?

James: *laughs* bubble bath it is. Up we go mate

It was here that I completely gave up battling the action queue cancelling and had my run of testing mods. Bjorn was super excited to help (not). But back to the actual stars of this story. Alexander began to shave off the goatee while Marta did daily yoga. Joey heard back from the job agency and he scored a role as an Ace Engineer in the Tech Guru path. Since he wants to be a start-up genius rolling in simoleons when not rolling in the ladies he gets to work polishing off his mobile app.

Milton has a wonderful time splashing in the bath. I can’t really see the bubbles but the moodlets assure me they are there. When he’s chucked a decent amount of water from the tub James gets him out and into his day clothes. Milton uses the potty since he’s near it while James works on cleaning up all the bathtub overflow.

Milton: Good kitty cat, good kitty

James: Hey Milton, do you want to go play? I need to do more cleaning

Milton: By Alexander please

James: I think he’s in the library working on his project

Milton: Can I have lift uncle James

James: I suppose your legs are still very short. Okay, hold on tight

Milton: *giggles*

James: Special delivery, one prince of the bubble bath

Alexander: You do make a great parent sweets

Milton: Alexander play?

Alexander: I’m a bit busy now buddy, maybe later. I’m sure someone will have time though

Gertrude takes the time to sharpen her claws on an especially plump ottoman while Milton decides to have a play with the toy cars.

James: And what do you think you’re doing

Gertrude: *meows* who me? Being a cat

James: There is a lot of old furniture in this house Gerty, we can’t just tear it all to shreds

Gertrude: *meows* pretty sure I can actually

James: Now where has Hamlet run off to

James finds Hamlet in the downstairs bathroom and negotiates him leaving the room so he can vacuum up the puddles from the broken sink. Hamlet begrudgingly agrees.

Marta: Hey tesorito, you doing okay

Milton: Want to learn more before birthday

Marta: Oh, I can help with that. Shall we go over your numbers

Milton: Flashcards? Flashcards!

Marta: I can see you’re excited. Okay, what’s this one

Milton thinks and tries to peer around to the back of the card

Marta: Hey, no peeking

Milton: Mummy let me

Marta: Oh I doubt that very much

Alexander tends to his homework after doing a draft of his presentation. Following a workout Keira goes to find Marta.

Keira: What do we have here

Marta: Cheating

Milton: I not cheat

Gertrude: *meows* he would if he could

Keira: You can’t learn if you cheat and peek buddy

Milton: Oh, I want to learn... so maybe I not peek

Having enough of flashcards for now Milton heads to the dollhouse but he doesn’t want to play alone. Keira joins him and the two make up a life for the doll characters. Milton can’t old back his love of books forever though and soon asks Keira for a story. She gets one and begins to read but Milton is so excited to hear it that he won’t even sit down.

Previous Part (York) ... Next Part

[tryan-a-bex]

Halloween; or, Violence, seen from far away, is entertaining

Inspired by a comment by Moreta (ao3), @entropy-mephit, who also did the art! My version and hers are included below. Hers is the fancy one! (Read on ao3.)

Hob watched over Dream’s shoulder as he scrolled through Pinterest posts of Halloween costumes.

“Hob, I do not want to do this. Why may I not just go as myself?” he grumbled.

“No! Love! The point of a Halloween party is to get dressed up and admire each other’s costumes! Don’t worry, the faculty has a huge range of investment is costuming. Some will go all out, especially the arts profs, but plenty of us are going to keep it simpler. What do you think of that pirate costume?”

“What if I go like this?” Dream suggested, suddenly two feet taller and dripping shadows everywhere. Hob cupped his pale, amorphous cheek tenderly in his hand.

“You know I love your Nightmare form, but I think it would be a little over the top for the party.” Hob blinked and Dream was back in his accustomed form, pointing at another picture.

“This one has cat ears, and a tail.” Hob’s lap was abruptly full of a large, black Maine Coon cat.

“Silly duck! Even the non-physicists would have questions about your change in mass!”

“I want to support you in your work social functions, but this is ridiculous!” Hob sighed.

“Anya is coming over soon for babysitting, so why don’t we put it away for now? We can revisit it later, and maybe we’ll think of something in the meantime.”

“Yes, I will go and return when my duties are complete. Maybe I will find something in a dream that will work.” Dream sounded doubtful, but he still gave Hob a tender goodbye kiss before disappearing to his realm.

Hob sighed and went downstairs to greet Yor and Anya. The New Inn has been rented out for a birthday party, so he was going to babysit Anya upstairs at his place for the first time.

“Yor! Anya! Come on upstairs!” he greeted them when they arrived.

“Anya gets to see Hob’s flat!” Anya exclaimed with wonder in her voice.

“I’m sure it won’t be that exciting!” he chuckled, opening the door. Yor entered first, and he saw how thoroughly she inspected the room, while looking as though she was just glancing around. It must have passed muster, because she turned to Anya and gave her a hug.

“Have fun with Hob, Anya!” she said, leaving her with a smile and a little nod at Hob. Hob nodded back, smiling as he squatted to Anya’s level.

“Would you like to play Spy again today?” he asked. Spy was Anya’s favourite make-believe game.

“Today, Anya is an explorer! Anya wants to explore Hob’s flat!”

“Uhhh…” Hob had tidied up, of course, and child-proofed the most dangerous things (the cleaning fluids were on a high shelf in the closet instead of on the floor beside the toilet, for example), but he was sure a determined child like Anya could find something to get into. He’d have to watch her like a hawk!

“TV. Anya has a tv,” Anya began, walking around the living room. She passed the couch to stare at the bookshelves against the wall.

“Hob has a lot of books,” she declared.

“Um, yeah,” he agreed. “Some of them are quite old. Would you like to look at a book?” he hoped she would be amenable to letting him guide the choice of book. Some of his first editions weren’t really in condition for casual handling.

“What is that?” Anya pointed at the top shelf, way in the corner. Ah. Hob had gotten out his old plague doctor mask from storage, back in 2020. He hadn’t been able to help as much this time as in the past, due to licensing requirements for health care providers, but he had covered a few in-person lectures for his immunocompromised colleagues before admin got on board with the quarantine, and he’d handed out masks in the Tube before they they were required.

“Take this, it’ll save your life, mate.” It was a surreal time.

Hob handed the mask down to Anya, remembering the first time he had put it on. He’d survived the plague the first time, when most of his family died. He’d survived it again in the early 1500’s, while he was building his fortune. It had been easier that time, because the plague was always kinder to the rich than the poor. It was in 1665, while he was recovering from grief and from being drowned, that he donned the mask. If he wasn’t going to die, Hob had realized, there were so many lives he could save. Basic battlefield first aid got him started—give thirsty people water to drink. Put a blanket on them if they were chilled. Give them a damp rag if they were feverish. Clean their bodies as much as possible. So many people still died, but maybe not quite as many. Hob was grateful for each one who had recovered.

“Hob did not die for a long time,” Anya came out with, looking quizzically at him with the mask in her hands. Oh, shit. He hadn’t meant to give away that secret; he’d forgotten she was a telepath in the rush of memories. He looked her steadily in the eyes.

“Your papa has a secret, and your mama has a secret.” Anya had told him so the first time she met Dream. She hadn’t told him what the secret was, but Hob could guess, based on how extremely competent and dangerous her parents were.

“You have a secret,” she nodded in agreement, a serious look on her little face, “and I have a secret too,” Hob finished.

“Dream has a secret too,” Anya pointed out. “Franky and Uncle Yuri also.” Hob just nodded. He so did not want to open that can of worms!

“Time to explore again!” Anya suddenly announced, putting the plague mask down on the coffee table. She headed down the hall, Hob darting after her with, he had to admit, some trepidation in his heart. He hadn’t really planned on her seeing the bedroom. He’d better check it first, before she poked her nose in.

Hob stuck his nose in the bedroom, seeing with relief that it was fairly tidy and didn’t have any child-unfriendly things lying around. He turned to try to head her off anyway, only to see that it was already too late. Instead of aiming for the bedroom, she had opened the hall closet where he’d stuffed his dangerous items, and there she was, holding the hilt of his great sword, which was taller than she was. Hob winced and gently took it from her.

“How about we go explore in the park?” He suggested, determinedly turning his thoughts away from all the people he’d killed with that sword, and the times he’d nearly been killed himself, as he stowed it away again.

“Yes! Anya wants to explore the park!” She grabbed his hand enthusiastically, barely slowing down to put her shoes on as they headed outside.

Hob made sure she stopped to check for traffic before crossing the road, then sauntered after her as she dashed through the park, weaving around the few people who were also out enjoying it. She came to a halt as she spotted a raven in the grass, and crouched low to approach it, a crafty expression on her face. Ah, playing Spy again, Hob thought. The raven hopped toward the tree, then suddenly took off to caw at her from its branches.

“Anya is an explorer!” Anya proclaimed to the red-haired man sitting against the base of the tree.

“I’m a bit of an explorer too,” he confessed, patting his little bundle, which was tied to a stick like an old time hobo. Hob felt strangely at ease with him, even though he couldn’t have said why he felt familiar. Perhaps they’d met before.

“You have a secret too,” Anya disclosed. The man raised his eyebrows, glancing at Hob.

“Ah, Anya, most people do have secrets, you know. It’s generally not polite to ask about them, unless you really need to know, or if someone is not safe. In that case you should really tell a grown up…” Hob trailed off as he realized the other two were ignoring him. The stranger was being submitted to Anya’s piercing gaze, the one where it seemed she could read your soul. She didn’t break the gaze first, he did.

“You should probably ask my brother if you want to know my secrets, Hob. We have met, you know. It was very long ago. In fact, it was your memories today which drew me here.”

“You’re not the one he calls the Prodigal, are you?” Hob wondered, making connections in his head. Dream had a lot of siblings, and they were all remarkable. The man smiled brilliantly.

“I am! You can call me Joe.”

“It’s nice to meet….” Hob started, but Anya was interrupting, grabbing Joe’s hand.

“Anya wants a story! Tell me about exploring!” she demanded. Joe nodded.

“Well, there was this one day I was wandering with my dog, Barnabas,” he began.

“Anya knows Barnabas! He came here before!” Anya interrupted.

“Did he? That’s nice! So, Barnabas and I…” Hob settled in for a good story, hoping it would last until Yor returned.

Later that day, having said goodbye to Joe, Anya and Yor, Hob trudged up to his flat and flopped on the couch. His eyes fell on the plague mask, still sitting on the coffee table, and he was stuck by inspiration. Just then, Dream appeared.

“Hello, Hob,” he smiled as Hob moved to give him room on the couch.

“I met your brother today!” Hob revealed, “and I think I know what to do for your Halloween costume!”

Two weeks later, Hob and Dream were standing outside the faculty Halloween party. Hob had recreated his plague doctor outfit, and Dream was wearing his helm and robe, toned-down a bit on Hob’s advice. Dream was having second thoughts.

“Don’t worry, Duck, it will be fine,” Hob reassured him, taking him by the hand and drawing him gently into the party room. Five minutes later, they were at the refreshments table when an elaborate Big Ben Hob didn’t know came up to them.

“Excellent plague doctor mask!” she enthused. “It looks so authentic!”

“Thank you!” Hob answered, loving how willing people were to see what they expected to see.

“And you!” she turned excitedly to Dream, “I love your mask! Where did you get it?”

“I created it from the skull and spine of my enemy, who I crushed with my own hands,” Dream intoned in his most ominous voice.

“Brilliant! Great backstory! I love how you commit to the bit!” she gushed.

“Hob?” Dream whined.

“Don’t worry, love, you’re doing excellently,” Hob consoled him as they walked further into the party, once again holding hands.

Read previous: Butterflies

Read from the beginning: Space Buns

Read next: Secrets

Why I call Destruction Joe (or Not Joe).

[beneath-her-soul]

Time check: 0837hrs

Location: Train otw to work

I'm feeling a lil bit anxious right now. I don't know if I can make it on time to chase after the company's transport and also I'm still having dry cough and it's been like this for the past 3 days. I would also like to take my mind off by writing so I feel much calmer.

Over the last weekend, I spend my off days with Mr Husband by going to our first Halloween Horror Night at USS! I've never been to this event during my younger days as I never like crowds, horror, tickets are pricey and I was still schooling and it normally ends late at night hence, I need to have enough money so that I can actually pay for the tickets and taxi fare back home. In summary, it just cost expensive for me to pay for everything because I wasn't yet a working adult and I have curfew.

Mr Husband bought the tickets to surprise me as both of us are virgins for this event and since we're already married, why not right? He made sure I blocked off the date and told me not to make any plans. I was so excited and looking forward to it because it's been awhile since he come up with something for us.

After night shift, I slept for the entire 5hrs and woke up at 5pm to wash up and get ourselves prepared. H told me to wear something comfortable with my tokidoki bag and sports shoe as we're gonna be walking alot on that night. While I was doing my make up, I asked him if we're watching a concert lol 😂 Idk I just want to find out more to see if he's able to keep up with the surprise.

I was terrified at first bcs lol like I told you, I am never a fan of anything horror as it stresses the shit out of me and furthermore, it just makes me overthink when I'm alone. Almost every of the haunted house, I decided to walk infront and prefer H to be at the back bcs I hate it if the ghost starts to scare me from my back like I can't see but I can feel your presence behind me. I was laughing most of the time during the haunted house experience bcs of the other people in it as they were screaming and just trying to avoid getting scare hahaha it was hella funny. I was more fascinated by the works they put it on the set up. Every haunted house has a theme for it and it was well decorated it looks real. The cast look real and they didn't broke out of character.

During the journey to the destination, I somehow got a sense that we're going to go to Sentosa judging by the route we took. We parked our bike at vivo and took the monorail to Sentosa. It was crowded since it's Saturday. (And it's been awhile since I went out on weekends). And tadaaaa, we reached USS! It was crowded as heck and we were already perspiring. Bleargh. We brought our portable fan and it was a huge life saver for us. There were 3 terrifying haunted houses and 3 sinister scare zones. And btw, H also had another surprise by purchasing the express tickets. Homaigod how much have he spent in total just for these. Makes me feel guilty that he's spending so much just for this. But then again, it's worth it bcs the queue was insaneeeee for each of the haunted houses. I think I might just give it a pass if H didn't buy the express tickets.

The last haunted house we went to was The Weeknd: After hours til dawn nightmare. All you see was...... The weeknd, his chopped off head, everything of him. I'm just like 😮 I don't listen to his music but I knew who he was. I was really horrified and disgusted. The Botox face, just everything. But it was well executed I must say.

We did get to ride on mummy and transformers at least. The atmosphere was so lively as it's been such a long time since I attended something like this. Something that makes me feel alive. You know? I've been walking in circles over the last few months and going to this event at 29 years old, hits me differently.

We ended off our night at 0030hrs and head our way home. I kept thanking the husband for the surprise and it was memorable experience for first timers. Alhamdulillah, bucketlist ✅

Update: I made it to catch for my bus.

[tekutiger]

For the past week or so, I've been logging in to Disney Dreamlight Valley again (after a 2 month hiatus 😅). They have a "Haunted Holiday Star Path" event going on right now. When it comes to games I genuinely like, I do actually have fomo and I hate it, lol. So, here I am 🙃

I've been playing a bit of catch up. Like, they added Beauty and the Beast! That was my favorite OG Disney movie growing up. And then Mulan came along and I was like !!! Okay now those two are my favorites (because I couldn't decide between the two).

I also finally watched the live action Beauty and the Beast for the first time. It's been out for a while now, I know... I'm just slow when it comes to watching movies or anything on tv. In my opinion it was very well done! I'm not a harsh critic though.

I also watched the live action Little Mermaid and I really loved it. It gave the characters so much more depth, and displayed more marine creatures than I thought they would have. The actors put so much life and emotion into their vocals in their songs, I was very impressed.

And I touch on this a bit below, but being an octo-nerd, there were things about Ursula that they added to the movie, that was not in the original, and I was like holy crap! I wonder how many people are going to catch onto that? It's when she's shuffling through her ingredient cabinets to create one of her concoctions and her 'arms' (she refers to them as 'tentacles', probably because younger audiences will be like ??? if she says arms, but the correct term is actually 'arms'). They are acting independently from her because octopuses have nine brains. One brain in each arm and one in the mantle (head). So each arm thinks for itself. When she says she can't find anything, everything always gets lost, it's probably because her eight arms are putting things back on the shelves however they please and her main-brain (mantle i.e. head) isn't paying attention to keep track of it all 😅

Okay- weird thing that I complain about often to my friends cause we all play this, and unrelated to the live action movie. Eric, in this game, stalks me, and it's flippen weird. I think everyone who plays this has a character that stalks them though, as if it's in the programming and it's RNG of who it is. I say that because I'll go to Twitch and watch it happen to streamers, and they'll make comments about their 'stalker'. It's just somehow my 'stalker' ended up being Eric 🤷🏻‍♀️. For some, it's Kristoff. Others, it's Maui. I dunno... it's weird.

(For the record, I know they're all programmed to come and find you, but I mean- in this case, there's ONE specific character that follows you WAY MORE than usual.)

Anyone who knows me, knows I have this obsession with the Ocean (also space) and octopuses, and jellyfish... hence why I have the Ursula attire (she's the Octo Queen!). Her quest line, should you put out the moonstones and buy her bundle, is worth it imo, but I'm also biased as heck. I just find it ironic that I'm literally dressed like Ursula 2.0 and Eric stalks me more than half the time I'm in-game, lol 😓. The sound of his flute puts me in that state of like 🙀 -startled cat, eyes wide, looking everywhere, ducking behind furniture-

Ariel, go pay more attention to your man plskthx. I will give it to the live action production for the movie. The actor who plays Eric is handsome and plays the role well 👌🏻 (doesn't make me wanna hide any less though in-game 😑)

I totally veered off course of why I'm writing this post. My rambling is getting worse, akjdhjs.

SO. The star path...!

Last year when we got the first Halloween star path, if memory serves, I recall it not having any Tim Burton, The Nightmare Before Christmas items at all and being really bummed out about it. I figured it was because they couldn't get a contract signed, permission, copyright something or other. The game was still very new afterall.

There's a biome in DDLV named the Forgotten Lands and it's mostly purple hues. I knew the aesthetics would be perfect for The Nightmare Before Christmas if I just waited for it... and now this year a handful of items are in the Star Path event. I've been so ready.

Oh, and we also get... !!

😄

With the new items, I totally remodeled my biome. It's looking cute~

Here's some better shots of a couple Nightmare Before Christmas outdoor furniture pieces (just a couple but they're big pieces). The notorious Skellington's Hill and the popular Frightful Fountain. 👇🏻

And the great thing about this game is, we're just going to continue to get even more fun items and grow as the game develops. We also have the Christmas Star path coming up, at some point. Wonder if there's going to be some interesting items in that 🤔

Oh yeah, I got a cutie Pirate Parrot from this Star Path too ❤️

One Final Edit: On Twitter they mentioned that they added an "AUTUMNBUNDLE" code. If you're playing and missed it, you can copy and paste that in for some furniture pieces.

Should be in the Settings menu > Help > Code box (under 'import avatar') > hit 'claim' after typing it in.

[daphnemontagu]

Daphne lifted her chin and her gaze softened as it was met with Calista’s. “If you say so.” She murmured. This feeling of vulnerability was becoming a little too regular for her liking. “Perhaps in the days where I become too distracted by life, the delivery of more wine will soften my lack of attentiveness.” Daphne joked. She knew Calista liked to keep her at arms length, she recognised it, but she understood why. Even if sometimes she wished she wouldn’t.

It seemed as though the other woman didn’t want to share whatever it was that she was facing and so Daphne let it drop. She gave a feeble laugh, “I’m sure you’ll find a way, you always do.” She pointed out, though her voice remained fond. At the very least she could rely on Calista to always be honest about her terrible choices. “And I thought I was the one with the wise quotes…” She mused humourlessly, before she fell quiet, wondering exactly where she should start.

The last time they’d spoken was months ago, and Calista had known Daphne’s mind and heart were still entangled with Layla— that much hadn’t changed in over forty years— but there had also been Makena, too. Calista had suggested she come to the new gallery exhibit. The vampiress sighed quietly, toying with the stem of her wine glass, “I… made the mistake of trying to start something with Layla again. It felt like we were heading to a place where we couldn’t be friends, but perhaps we could try again. I thought maybe this time we could find some level ground where things would work between us.” Daphne knew it had been naive, but Layla had always made her weak. “It was Halloween… we said that we still loved one another. We were supposed to be starting something again.” Daphne paused, “Of course it took her all of an hour to become distracted by someone else.” It had been one of the many downfalls to their relationship to begin with, Daphne never felt she had been enough for her, not enough to keep her satisfied physically, not emotionally to soothe her nightmares or the torment she faced either. “We argued and she left, telling me it was better this way. I haven’t seen her since. I figured perhaps her absence was her way of giving me some kind of reprieve.” Daphne paused, unsure if she could endure telling Calista about what had transpired with Makena in the past couple of weeks as well without feeling utterly embarrassed.

daphnemontagu​:

Daphne smiled at the compliment and found a corkscrew to begin opening the wine. Once she had, she filled two glasses for the pair of them. “It does, I can only apologise. It seems in two hundred years I haven’t learnt how to not fill every moment of my life with something to do.” The vampiress laughed faintly. “I promise I will try and be more attentive.” Daphne assured her.

“I don’t believe you,” Daphne replied simply a few moments after, her soft blue eyes taking in Calista’s facial expression and waiting to see whether or not her friend would crack or hold steady on whatever it was she was obviously wanting to keep to herself. “Oh-“ Daphne exhaled, “I’m sure you don’t want to hear the dramatics of my love life yet again.” Her eyes averted down into the deep red of the wine, glad to have something to keep her hands busy with. “It’s becoming embarrassing that that is the most prevalent thing in my life.”

*

“Hey,” dipping her head to catch the vampire’s gaze, Calista moved to cover Daphne’s hand with one of her own, giving it a subtle yet firm squeeze, “that was not a critique. There’s no need to apologize.” Guilt was a powerful motivator but she didn’t want it to be what motivated Daphne to spend time with her. Besides, Calista hadn’t exactly made an effort to spend more time with her friend either. She tended not to do that because it lessened the sting when they did eventually slip away.

“No?” She challenged, leaning back in her seat but refusing to elaborate. It wasn’t much of a lie anyway. Some things had shifted but nothing had changed. “I’m sure I want to. How else will I complain about your terrible taste in women?” She was joking. Mostly. There would probably be some complaining but it came from a place of genuine concern for the other woman. Daphne always gave so much more than she received in return. “Why is that embarrassing? There is no emotion more powerful than love. The gods are not immune to it, why should we be?”

[marvins-linguinie]

steddie dads part 1:

they have a daughter named alex, who is 13, and very nosey.

steve, who is folding laundry: do you ever wonder if the upside down still exists?

eddie: i mean, obviously it still exists. a dimension can't just disappear, can it?

alex: what's the upside down?

eddie: well-

steve: it's a game! that we used to play with aunt robin and auntie nancy!

alex: im not stupid.

eddie: she's got a point, steve. maybe it's time to tell her?

steve: no. we talked about this already.

alex: pleaseeee dad? I'll... put the rest of the laundry away!

steve: no! end of story. go do your homework.

alex: please?

eddie: steve.

steve: eddie, we talked about this a while ago. i already said my answer.

eddie: she's old enough! alex is smarter than both of us combined! she's smarter than henderson sometimes! that says a lot.

alex walks away, accepting defeat.

steve: i know she's smart. that's not what im worried about.

eddie: then, what's stopping you?

steve: she'll be traumatized! the town she's known her whole life, will be turned into this.. nightmare!

eddie: you're still having them?

steve: i... yeah.

eddie: you should get a therapist. i've told you this a million times-

steve: and tell them what? that i have nightmares about a different dimension?

eddie: then, talk to me! or to alex! um.. remember last halloween when we stayed home because she was sick, and watched the entirety of the saw movies? she was laughing! which, i think we should be scared about, but that's not the point. come on, steve. tell her. i bet it'll make you feel better.

steve: i want to keep her safe! what if.. what if he comes back? and she knows, so he goes after alex? what then?

eddie: he won't. just trust me.

steve: fine. but if she can't sleep tonight, you're staying up with her

eddie: alex!

alex: i finished my homework, and cleaned my room. will you tell me now?

steve: come sit down.

alex: it's not that serious, right?

eddie: do you want to start?

steve explains everything. the good, the bad.

he can still see it. like it happened yesterday.

as his eyes begin to water, eddie places a hand on his shoulder.

that's always been their way of comforting each other.

or a small kiss on the forehead.

alex:

steve: i know. it's a lot to take in.

alex: that's...

eddie: it's what?

alex: why would you use fire in the first place? if it hurt the monsters, it would obviously hurt Vecna, but you cut have decapitated him in the first place. that would have been much easier. you said he used his mind to get into other people's heads?

steve: .. yeah.

alex: then, logically, you could have just went with that in the first place. what rank was he?

steve: rank?

eddie: alex.. this wasn't a d&d game.

alex: mhm.

steve: it happened. in real life.

alex: so, you're telling me that you actually killed him? Vecna?

eddie: yes.

alex:

steve: we aren't trying to scare you.

alex: so.. you were actually cool?

steve: woah, woah, woah. im still cool!

eddie: steve, your idea of risky is going 5 miles past the speed limit. im still cool but...

steve: BUT WHAT?

eddie: maybe you used up your cool-ness in highschool. it happens.

alex bursts out laughing.

steve: DON'T LAUGH! I'M STILL COOL! I'M VERY COOL! I LET YOU STAY UP PAST YOUR BEDTIME LAST NIGHT!

alex: dad, that isn't cool. but it's nice knowing that you haven't always been so... strict.

eddie: you think this is strict? he treated your uncle dustin like his own kid. even drove him to his first school dance.

steve: he had no one! his mom was working that night.

eddie: it's alright. i think it's cute. your mother instincts.

alex: ew! im going to bed. you two are disgusting.

steve: goodnight! i love you!

alex: im 13. you have to stop saying that stuff.

steve: so, you're an adult now?

alex: im not a kid anymore.

eddie: if you aren't a kid anymore, then i guess you don't need a ride to school tomorrow.

alex: if you want me to freeze to death, walking to school, that's on you.

steve gives her a glare.

alex: what?

steve: go to bed.

alex: it's not even 10:00 yet!

steve: you have a test tomorrow. have you even studied?

alex: i don't need to! it's easy.

eddie: what's the square root of 12?

alex: there is no square root of 12.

eddie: oh

steve: alex.

alex: i promise. i have this in the bag!

alex walks into her room and shuts the door.

eddie: she shouldn't be smarter than us.

steve: how do you not know square roots?

eddie: do you think i have time to remember square roots?

steve:

eddie: do you know square roots?

steve: just leave it alone.

eddie: ha! i knew it!

[extasiswings]

Ohhh 70 (“After everything we’ve been through, you still don’t think that I love you?”) OR 93 (“You’re more than that.”) for the prompt thing, whichever you prefer! I always adore your writing, thank you so much for sharing it with us ☺️

OR? No, both. And thank you, you're very sweet. On ao3 here.

Most of the time, Buck feels like there’s no one in the world who understands Eddie as well as he does. Most of the time. Because there are still some other times when he’s completely in the dark.

And sure, okay, it makes sense on some level because they all have their blind spots—of course he’s going to have a few where Eddie is concerned as well—but they never fail to catch him by surprise.

A month after Eddie comes home from the hospital, Buck is having coffee with Carla while Eddie’s at a physical therapy appointment and he offhandedly says—

“Not sure why I never see Ana. You would think Eddie being shot would make her want to be around more, not less—”

“Buck,” Carla interrupts, a strange look passing over her face. “Honey...Eddie broke up with her three weeks ago.”

That stops Buck short, makes him feel like he’s missed a step on the stairs.

“What?” His mouth is dry. He swallows. “He—why?”

Carla picks up her cup and takes a long sip, as if she needs the extra seconds to figure out what to say, and Buck backtracks.

“No, forget it, that’s—it’s not my business,” he says. It’s not. Even if it feels a little like it should be, even if he doesn’t understand why Eddie would tell Carla and not him, even if he’s Eddie’s best friend—

Buck knows that Eddie’s a private person. He knows that sometimes Eddie keeps things close to his chest while he’s thinking them through. Eddie hadn’t said a word about Shannon until she walked into the station and aired their business for all of them to hear. He barely talked about Ana in the first place. He changed his will and sat on that information for a year—

Buck’s not upset it’s just—it feels—

The thing is.

The thing is…He’s not oblivious. He knows how he feels about Eddie. How he’s felt for at least the past two years. Like he can’t breathe, can’t speak, can’t look at him without feeling like he’s screaming with it, bleeding love all over, unable to stop it dripping from every pore. Exposed and pathetically obvious, and the whole time Eddie has just—said nothing. Ignored it, Buck assumes, because he can’t not have noticed, can’t not have seen.

And maybe sometimes Buck has wondered if Eddie wasn’t ignoring it. If he felt the same and just couldn’t say it. Because he was grieving and wasn’t ready—

But then he was. He was ready. And he chose Ana Flores.

That was the end of it. That was supposed to be the end of it. Because Buck’s not a masochist, he knows he hangs onto things for too long, but he’s been working on knowing when to let go.

Except—except Eddie got shot. Eddie got shot and Buck sat on a hospital bed and stared as Eddie said no one will ever fight for my son as hard as you and you act like you’re expendable…but you’re not and the words felt…heavy. The air, weighted. And Eddie couldn’t look at him and Buck could swear that he was trying to say—

Buck knows he shouldn’t be. But there’s a part of him that’s angry. That wants to pace and run and clasp Eddie’s face between his hands and ask really? Now? Because—because Eddie got shot. Eddie got shot and Buck barely survived it, thought if Eddie died, he would have died with him, was more terrified than he’s ever been in his life. But he did survive. And he moved on. He kissed Taylor. He closed the door.

So Eddie’s not allowed to make big declarations that he could have made a year ago and then break up with his girlfriend when Buck is finally trying—

Okay, maybe he’s a little upset.

The rest of him though—most of him, really—knows he doesn’t have any right to be angry. Which is why most of him is just…tired. Tired and terrified and still so in love.

Buck thinks maybe Eddie was right all those months ago. The universe doesn’t scream. It just laughs. At him.

“Buck?” Carla’s gaze is soft. Steady.

Buck clears his throat. Drains the last dregs of his coffee. He tries not to feel like he’s swallowed glass.

“Did I tell you I’m seeing someone?” He asks, forcing a smile. “She’s a reporter. She was—she was at Eddie’s homecoming actually, maybe you met her. It’s still pretty new, but we’ve been friends for a while. Going pretty well so far.”

Something flickers in Carla’s eyes, but she takes a breath and smiles.

“That’s great, Buckaroo,” she replies. “I’m happy for you.”

He’s trying. He’s really trying.

He doesn’t ask Eddie about the breakup.

*

Recovery is slow.

Buck doesn’t really like thinking about it as recovery because Eddie’s the one who got shot. Eddie’s the one who was in a sling and in physical therapy and had to spend months waiting to be well enough to get cleared to go back to work.

Eddie’s the one who got shot. The one whose blood flooded the street. The one who spent days unconscious in the hospital. The one who almost died.

Eddie’s the only one who has anything to recover from.

Dr. Copeland doesn’t agree. Buck mentions that he’s having trouble sleeping, that his chest gets tight if he goes too long without seeing Eddie and Christopher, that he can’t breathe sometimes when he’s on shift and Eddie’s out of sight.

She refers him out to a trauma specialist. He tries to argue that it’s not his trauma, but she just looks at him for a long moment.

“When you say you can’t sleep, is it insomnia? Or do you have nightmares that wake you up?”

Buck bites his lip and looks down at his hands. When he blinks, they’re streaked with red. When he blinks again, they’re clean. He curls his fingers into fists to prevent them from shaking.

“A little of both,” he admits.

“And when it’s nightmares, what are they about?”

“…blood.” Eddie’s blood in the street, on his hands, splashed across his face, on his tongue—

She hums.

“Evan,” she says quietly. “It’s okay. It’s not a weakness to admit that you need help. And just because you weren’t shot yourself doesn’t mean you didn’t experience something traumatic. You’re allowed to seek treatment.”

Buck swallows. “I feel like…I should be better by now,” he admits. “Better than this. Shouldn’t it be easier?”

“Recovery is a process,” Dr. Copeland replies. “A journey. And it doesn’t always move in a straight line. There’s no timetable.”

Recovery. He makes a face.

But, he goes to see the specialist. He’s not sure how much it helps.

Blood splashing across his face, water running red, skin scrubbed raw—

Buck sits up gasping, cold sweat beading across his brow. Taylor is sound asleep on the other side of the bed, the distance between them a chasm he doesn’t know how to cross. He doesn’t know if he wants to even if he did.

He shivers. Grabs his phone. Quietly descends the steps of the loft to settle on the couch.

“Buck. Hey.” Eddie’s voice is gravelly and soft from sleep. Buck winces.

“Sorry,” he says. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“I don’t mind,” Eddie replies. “You know I don’t mind.”

Eddie pauses. “What was it tonight?”

Buck exhales shakily. “Your heart stopped in the truck before we could get to the hospital. I couldn’t get it to start again. I know it didn’t happen that way, but I still—”

“It’s okay,” Eddie says. “I’m okay. That—it wasn’t real.”

“Yeah.” It felt real though. Buck can still feel ribs cracking under phantom compressions, the slick of blood on his hands. He can taste Eddie’s blood in his mouth.

“What do you need?”

Buck stretches out and closes his eyes, the phone pressed hard to his ear.

You. Just you. Always you.

“Can you—” His throat clicks. “Can you just talk? It doesn’t matter about what, I just—”

I need to hear your voice. I need to hear you alive.

“Christopher picked a project for the science fair,” Eddie says. “You have to promise to act surprised when he tells you though. He’s really excited.”

“Oh yeah? I can do that. What is it?”

“Well…”

Buck falls asleep again with Eddie’s voice in his ear and he doesn’t dream again. Taylor wakes him on the couch in the morning, an odd look on her face—he doesn’t know how to explain that it’s not her fault. She just can’t help him. Perhaps she never could.

Buck thinks maybe there’s still a part of her that wants him to chase her. But he’s in no condition to chase anyone, even if he wanted to. It takes enough out of him to hold himself together. And to fight against what seems more and more inevitable.

So. Maybe he should stop fighting it.

He sighs and scrubs a hand over his face as he sits up.

“I think we should probably talk,” he says quietly.

Taylor tucks a strand of hair behind her ear and sinks down onto the couch next to him.

“I think we should.”

It ends as quickly as it began.

*

Christmas takes him by surprise. It’s not that Buck doesn’t notice the fall slipping away—a Halloween shift, a Veteran’s Day that has Eddie a little quieter, a little shakier, than usual, and Thanksgiving lasts practically a whole week with all the leftovers that end up in the station—but somehow it doesn’t fully register until he looks up at the calendar in the middle of December and sees a smiling Christmas tree sticker on a date ten days out. They’re not working, so the only question is where he’s going to end up, if anywhere. Although, he supposes even that’s not really a question.

He knows where he’ll end up.

Five days before Christmas, a last-minute tree has been wrangled into the Diaz house and Buck is fighting with a tangled set of lights while Eddie pulls out wrapping paper and ribbons and retrieves the hidden stash of gifts for Christopher from his closet. Christopher himself is fast asleep in his room, worn out from the day of running around, and without the extra person to focus on Buck takes a moment and lets himself just...watch Eddie. Sitting on the floor in low light with his legs stretched out, surrounded by ornaments and boxes and stray clippings and a small pile of somewhat lumpy, clumsily wrapped gifts, his lower lip caught between his teeth as he focuses on trying to figure out the right way to fold the wrapping paper—

There’s a stray piece of tinsel in his hair and a laugh catches in Buck’s throat, even as the rest of him aches with a sudden, fierce urge to brush it away.

He aches. Because this—this is what he wants. Eddie and Christopher and going around town to finish the Christmas shopping, picking out a tree and decorating it as a family, coming home to this day after day after day and knowing it’s where he’s supposed to be—

Eddie got shot. Eddie got shot and it was the worst moment of Buck’s life. He thinks sometimes that he would rather have his leg crushed under a thousand ladder trucks than risk going through that again, but—but running away didn’t make him stop loving Eddie. Dating Taylor didn’t make him stop loving Eddie. Time hasn’t made him feel anything less, if anything it’s just cemented things.

So...so if Eddie is going to have the power to hurt him that badly regardless of whether Buck admits it out loud, if the risk of loss is going to be there anyway...shouldn’t he at least get to have everything? All the good parts?

Don’t they deserve the chance to be happy?

“Buck?” Eddie’s brow is furrowed in concern. “You okay?”

Buck opens his mouth, intending to reassure him, but what comes out is—

“Are you in love with me?” Eddie freezes and Buck resists the urge to panic and take it back.

“Because—” Buck clears his throat. “Because sometimes I think you might be, and—”

“Yes.” It’s quiet, barely a breath, but that single word hangs in the air. Buck’s heart races.

“You could have told me,” he replies. “Why—why didn’t you just—?”

Eddie looks away and Buck catches a familiar look flickering across his face. Doubt, shame, fear—everything that he himself has felt—

Oh.

Blind spots.

He never considered that Eddie might be just as afraid of rejection as he is. He never considered that what’s been so painfully obvious to him, might not have been to Eddie himself.

Buck gets up from the couch, stepping carefully around the mess on the floor until he can kneel down next to Eddie. Eddie, whose jaw is tight, shoulders tense, like he’s waiting for a blow.

“After everything we’ve been through...you still don’t know that I love you?” Buck asks quietly.

Eddie sucks in a startled breath, turning back to look at him, his gaze searching. Buck holds it steadily and waits. It’s not the first time he’s walked out on a limb. But it is the first time he’s had someone else out there with him.

If it cracks this time, they’ll fall together.

“I didn’t think—” Eddie’s eyes close briefly as he clears his throat. “I didn’t think I was enough.”

“You are,” Buck replies. “You’re more than—Eddie—”

“We have a life,” he says when he can get his thoughts in line. “We built a life. Together. Even if we didn’t say that was what we were doing, it’s what we did. So, maybe—maybe we can try being a little more honest about what we want while we’re living it? I don’t—I don’t want to waste anymore time.”

Eddie looks down—then, he reaches out slowly for Buck’s hand, his fingers finding the spaces between Buck’s and slotting in.

Buck squeezes gently. Eddie squeezes back.

“Okay,” Eddie agrees. “Let’s try that.”

Buck does pluck the tinsel from Eddie’s hair, but when he tosses it away, his hand comes right back, fingers sliding into the strands to keep Eddie still. Eddie’s eyes are dark in the dim light, but his lips curve faintly up as Buck leans in.

Kissing him feels like coming home.

[staticscreenwriting]

Where the heart is // B. B.

Summary: Bucky and (Y/N) are getting a divorce because they are silly and both love the other so damn much. (Happy Ending!)

TW: Talk of divorce. Talk of potential pregnancy and babies.

A/N: Likes, reblogs, comments are all much appreciated. I am German. Sometimes I get the tense wrong or make mistakes. I am useless when it comes to punctuation. Go easy on me, please.] 

TAGLIST: Find the link to join my taglist in my bio. Will reblog this post with the taglist attached seperately. 

Waking up from this nightmare How's your life, what's it like there? Is it all what you want it to be? Does it hurt when you think about me? And how broken my heart is

The apartment is deadly quiet as Bucky steps inside, only the rattling of his keys echoing through the halls that once seemed so warm and inviting are now but a cold reminder of what used to be.

People never really talk about these moments. The after. The wreckage. The ruins of what used to be. Sure there are movies and books and countless songs but they take the feeling and they wrap it up in beautiful words and prose and make something beautiful of it.

There’s nothing beautiful in the way Bucky feels as his feet drag him towards what used to be his bedroom, which is now hers. There’s nothing beautiful in the way he feels as his eyes wander over to the closed door behind which lays an empty room. One that is empty not because of choice but because of the shitty cards life has dealt both him and her.

There is nothing beautiful about the way he feels. Only sadness. Only hurt.

When he turns the corner and steps into the bedroom, his heart drops for a second. He hadn’t expected her to be here, not with how quiet the place is. But sure enough, there she is. Sitting on the fluffy comforter they bought together, legs tucked underneath herself. She said that comforter was the exact same shade of blue as his eyes. Now she doesn’t even lift her head to look at him, focusing only on the box resting on the bed before her.

“Hey uh — I didn’t expect to run into you.”  

“ I live here. Sorry to disappoint.“

“ I know, that’s not what I meant. It’s just so quiet. “

She shrugs but still doesn’t look up. There’s so much resentment there, dripping from every word. He can’t fault her for it. Not even a little. If he was her, he’d hate himself too. Maybe this will make it easier for them. If she hates him, that’s a straight cut. Right? Hating is easy. It’s loving that’s hard.

“ It’s like that now. You here to get some of your stuff?” she asks, looking up at him for the first time. Her eyes are red and tired. Not like they were when he left, filled with tears and sorrow. Now they’re just infinitely sad and exhausted. Like all the life and all the warmth and all the passion that he fell so deeply in love with, has been sucked out of her. He hates knowing it’s partially his fault.

“ If that’s okay with you.”

“ sure. “

The movies and the poems and the books and the songs, they never talk about this. The after. The limbo. The “will you keep this or shall I take it?”

They don’t talk about the fact that you’re supposed to pack 5 years of relationship into a bunch of boxes and figure out what to do with it.

He quietly walks into the closet, as if making any noise would break whatever bubble is currently surrounding the two of them. Sometimes he wonders if things would be different had they been different people. Had they been able to express their feelings differently. Sometimes, in the most secret part of his heart, Bucky wishes there would’ve been screaming. Maybe screaming would’ve been helpful. Sure, it’s not the most eloquent way of communication but at least it is communication. But there was no screaming. Only silence. Only feelings swallowed up to never be spoken about. To suffocate them from the inside out.

Making as little noise as possible, Bucky grabs some of his clothes and stuffs them into the duffle bag Sam gave him. He had that look on his face, the pitiful one. The one that says “sorry, man”. There’s no reason to feel sorry for Bucky. This is his fault after all.

There’s a sound coming from behind him, and for a second he really believes it’s his mind playing tricks on him. But then he hears it again, louder this time, more clearly.

She’s laughing. Maybe not a full-on laugh but a chuckle. It’s been a while since he’s heard that sound.

“ What’s got you laughing like that ? “ Bucky asks as he turns back around only to be greeted by her smiling face. God how much he misses that smile.

She looks back down towards the box in front of her and the picture in her hand.

“ It’s uh — it’s a picture of the first time you stayed over. “

His legs carry him towards the bed as if they work on autopilot. As he sits down next to he can just about make out the scent of her shampoo. The one he bought for himself last week, not because he necessarily likes to use it. He bought it because he misses the scent. Because he misses her. And if he can keep her close like this, even for a small moment, he’ll buy an entire store's worth of shampoo.

Her fingers gently grip the picture so as to not rip or crumble it. He can’t hold back the smile that pulls at the corner of his lips as he recognizes the picture. It’s a slightly less gloomy version of him, in love and asleep. Curled up on her old tiny couch in her old tiny apartment with her dog Yoda sleeping soundly on his chest. He was so nervous to stay over at her place the first time he did. Nervous about so many different things but mostly about doing something to hurt her. Physically but also emotionally. To think that now his biggest fear came true, crushes his heart even further.

“ I miss Yoda. He was a good dog,” she says as she puts the photo back into the box. Truth be told, Bucky misses him too. He was grumpy and lazy and he didn’t ever really listen to them. But he was loyal and cuddly and all in all, he was the perfect dog for the two of them. And he had accepted Bucky into his and her life immediately. As if he knew that Bucky of all people needed nothing more than a chance to prove himself to be something other than a killer.

There are more pictures in the box, alongside other clutter that Bucky can’t quite make out. One of the other pictures he can see clearly, is one of the two of them on their first Halloween. The Halloween that Bucky didn’t want to dress up for. The one he promised himself he would spend curled up on his couch watching a scary movie and not open the door to anyone, Trick or Treaters or otherwise.

He ended up going out anyway. With her. FOR her. And it was one of the best nights of his life even if it meant he had to dress up like a skeleton.

“ What is all this? “ he asks though, by the way his heart starts beating faster, Bucky isn’t sure he even wants to know the answer to that question. “ You getting rid of our pictures? “

He doesn’t want it to sound so accusatory. They’re broken up. Separated. In the early process of a divorce. She has every right to get rid of their pictures. Get rid of him. Bury the memories. Just because he can’t let go doesn’t mean that she’s grieving in the same way.

“ No, “ she scoffs and pulls out a small scrap of paper, “ this is a memory box I started when we first got together. It’s things I didn’t know where to put but that I wanted to hold on to. I had planned to give it to you for our 10 year anniversary but … well “

She doesn’t have to say it. He knows.

“ Then after the — seperation I put some other stuff in there. Memories.” 

“ Can I see what else is in there? “ he asks “ since I won’t get to see it on our 10 year anniversary.”

Bucks isn’t quite sure why he adds that to the end of his sentence. It makes him sound spiteful and mean and he can tell, by the look on her face, that it hurts her. And he’s done enough of that in the past. Isn’t that exactly the reason they are here in the first place?

She considers it for a moment and Buck can only guess the different kinds of emotions running through her then. He feels them too. All of them. They are confusing and most of them are negative. She has no reason to let him see this, relish in sweet nostalgia with him as if everything is okay and they’re not getting a fucking divorce.

“ Sure, I guess. I —  yeah.”

She scoots more to the middle of the bed, making more space for Bucky to sit down properly. He’s perched on the side that was his. The side he fell asleep on and woke up on so many times. And she was there next to him. Always there and warm and soft. And she’d smile at him through sleepy eyes and a hazy mind and she’d rival the sun. And then she’d gently comb her fingers through his hair and say good morning and he knew it would be — a good morning.

He hasn’t had a good morning since he left.

She moves the box to sit between them on the bed and motions for Bucky to start digging in.

There’s a pile of what he realizes are old movie tickets. It's something they used to do when they first started dating. Thursdays were movie days. But while everyone went to see the new blockbusters, the two of them would pick the movies that sounded the weirdest and they’d buy a big bucket of popcorn and blue raspberry slushies and just relish in the grandeur that is bad cinema. Most of the time they were the only ones at the cinema. Sometimes things got — R rated.

“ Why did we stop doing this? “ she asks as Bucky looks up from the tickets “ going to the movies I mean. It was always my favorite day of the week. “

He tries to remember. Tries to pinpoint the moment when life changed and their Thursdays weren’t their Thursdays anymore. He can’t. He comes up empty.

Sometimes life changes in little ways, ones you don’t realize at that moment and they don’t seem significant either. It’s a broken tradition. A missed movie night. It’s slow and creeping but at some point, you stop and look at your life now and it doesn’t resemble your life then anymore. Everything has changed and you didn’t even notice. Not for one single second.

“ I have —  I have no idea. “ he has to confess.

“ Remember that movie with the killer florist ? “ she asks and her voice is laced with laughter. Something sparks up in his heart. A tiny flicker of something he’s missed. Something he hasn’t felt in a while. He can’t help but laugh along.

“ I do! Or the one where the woman fell in love with the Koi in her neighbor's pond? ”

“ Oh god! That was terrible. “

“ It was.”

She looks wistful for a moment as if her thoughts wander off to some long-forgotten memory.

“ What are you thinking about? “

He never usually had to ask her. He’d either know or she’d tell him on her own accord. It’s like there’s an invisible wall between them. One he wants to break down or climb over so badly. But does she want him there? After everything?

“ The day we saw that movie was the first time you said I love you. “

It’s true. Now that she mentions it he remembers it so clearly. It’s like he’s suddenly faced with a scene from a movie he’s forgotten about a long time ago but once someone mentions it, he remembers it in great detail. Knows every word. Every line.

“ I still don’t quite know what it was about that moment that made you say it but — “ she trails off, a smile playing on her lips.

Bucky knows. It wasn’t a groundbreaking realization back then. He’d been feeling it for months. Fell deeper in love with her with every glance, every smile, every silly movie he got to watch with her. They went to some dingy diner after the movie to grab a burger and some fries. The leather seats were old and the filling was spilling out, the air smelled of grease and air freshener, and the laminated menu cards were sticky with undefinable stains. All things considered, it should’ve been a bad date. It wasn’t though. Nothing was ever bad with her. She smiled. All she did was smile and hum along to some song Bucky didn’t know as it spilled from the jukebox. And it occurred to him then, that there was no need for a big gesture or a special moment. Every moment with her was special. Life couldn’t get any better than this. Existing was enough if only she was there.

“ Nothing. “

“ Hm? “

“ There was nothing special about that moment. I just realized that I would be okay with anything if only you are there. You — that’s all I need in life. “

She looks at him then and for a second he thinks that maybe she’ll kiss him. Tell him that they are making a mistake and ask him to come back. Tell him that she doesn’t blame him. That she forgives him. That she wants him anyway. Despite — everything. She doesn’t though. Just sighs and pulls another picture from the box.

It’s a picture of the two of them cuddled up on the couch with a tiny white ball of fluff resting on her chest.

“ Our first picture with Alpine. “

“ That was taken on the day we found him. Look, you can clearly see the scratches on my face from crawling around the dumpsters to rescue him. “ Bucky points out.

He had never thought of himself as a cat person. Really he wasn’t so much an anything-person anymore, after Hydra. But somehow that little cat had wormed his way into his heart and refused to leave.

“ Was worth it though! “

Bucky nods his head in agreement “ it was. “

“ You should — you should take him. He’s really more your cat than mine.”

“ He’s our cat.” he points out.

“ Bucky there won’t be an ours anymore. Soon.”

It breaks his heart. Over and over again. He just got used to being himself. The version he was when he was with her. How is he gonna deal with doing it all over again? He doesn’t want to be a version of himself after her.

“ I don’t have a place yet and Sam’s allergic. “

“ He can stay here until then, of course. I love him. “

There’s a lot of love there that’s being given up on, Bucky realizes. And he hates every part of it.

“ Shit, remember this? “ she chimes up again as her hand holds onto a thin receipt, the black ink bleached away and thinned out from years of being stuck in a box. From years of memories fading.

“ Is that from the —”

“ The tattoo place, yeah. “

The patch of skin on the inside of his arm grows hot as if he is suddenly aware of what is there. Something long forgotten. A small letter forever etched into his skin in black ink like the way she’s forever etched into his heart. Always there. Forever. Just like the delicate lines that write his own name onto her collar bone. James. Not Bucky. Not Winter Soldier. James.

“ Oh god, I can’t believe you kept these,” Buck exclaims as he picks a pair of bright blue knitted socks from the box. They’re made from scratchy wool and there are a million and one holes in them. It’s so her. So quintessentially her. To keep them. With their holes and their scratchy wool and all. Even if they’re a mess. Even if they’re broken. She holds onto things no matter how bad. No matter how lost and sad and broken and useless. She holds on tight and doesn’t let go. Unless you make her. Unless you force her to. Unless you break her heart.

“ Umm … you made them for me. Like you literally learned how to knit to make me a pair of socks to keep my feet warm. That is the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me, Buck. Of course, I kept them. “

Bucky bashfully shrugs his shoulders, a tint of red dusting his cheeks. “ I’m glad you liked them. Even if they’re scratchy. “

“ I like you and Alpine and you guys are the scratchiest,” she points out. She’s not wrong.

“ Was I a good boyfriend? “ Bucky asks and while in the grand scheme of things it really doesn’t matter, he wants to know anyway. Wants to know he did something right.

“ You were the best boyfriend. “

“ I’m sorry I was a shit husband. “

She stays quiet for a moment and with every second that passes by he breaks more and more. He wonders how much of him is left at this point. How much there’s still to lose. Then again, what does it matter? He lost her and that’s all that really matters.

“ You weren’t a shit husband, Bucky. “

It’s like the world suddenly moves in slow motion as they both grab the 2 things left in the box.

Bucky holds onto the blue velvet box knowing exactly what’s inside. The last time he held it, got on his knees in front of her, put the ring on her finger, that was one of the best days of his life. A sign that the Winter Soldier was his past and that he could finally truly move on. They were younger, in love. Happy. Now he hardly remembers what happiness feels like.

“ I was so nervous to give this to you. Not because I thought you’d say no or anything. I just — I just wanted to be enough. The ring and the proposal and — me. “

“ You were always enough. “ she says and he can hear the tears in her voice. It’s thick and heavy and he knows that if he looks at her now, there will be tears in her eyes too.

But he doesn’t look at her then. His eyes fall onto the piece of fabric in her hands. It’s so small. Soft peached colored with a little bunny embroidered on the front. It’s tiny and cute and it belongs to no one. It’s tiny and it should’ve been theirs. But it isn’t.

“ No, I wasn’t. He says and shakes his head. You deserve more than I can give you. “

She throws the baby romper back into the box and gets off the bed as if someone has set it on fire.

“ What’s wrong? “ he asks as if he doesn’t know. Everything. Everything about this situation is wrong. They’re supposed to make love on this bed, not cry over memories long gone. Push away thoughts of their looming divorce.

“ I don’t know, Bucky. Maybe you can tell me. “ She calls out to him as she pulls the rest of his shirts from the closet and throws them into the bedroom. Colors of fabric flying through the air like wings of a bird flapping through the winds. Some of them she lops at him, passion and anger and wrath and sadness filling her eyes. “ Maybe you can tell me why the fuck we’re doing this. Why we’re putting ourselves through all this pain and suffering and this bullshit divorce. Maybe you can tell me why you left me to have a fucking breakdown every time I walk into my closet and see this goddamn dress, “ she cries while holding up the hanger over which her beautiful white wedding dress is draped. God, she looked so beautiful that day. Like a goddess. Like an angel. Like his redemption.

“ We were happy. We were trying to have a family. And then what — it doesn’t work and you leave? You just gave up. “

“ I didn’t give up. “

“ Yes, you fucking did! You gave up and you served me divorce papers and you didn’t even give me a fucking choice. “

“ You agreed! “

“ Because I love you and if you don’t want to be with me, then I am not keeping you. I love you enough to let you be happy even if it’s without me.”

Those words send a shock through his heart. Like an icicle. Cold and sharp and unforgiving.

“ You think I don’t love you? You think YOU are the reason?,” Bucky questions before grabbing the romper from the box and holding it up “ this is the reason. This is my fault and mine alone. It’s my fault that this belongs to no one. It’s my fault that there’s an empty room in this apartment that you can’t walk into because it hurts you too much to see it empty. You deserve to be a mother and clearly, I can’t give that to you. That’s the burden I carry but it’s not one that should be put on you. I can’t give you this but you deserve it and you should have it. So this is me letting you go so you can find someone that can give you a baby. Someone who isn’t broken. Someone who doesn't have a body that doesn’t work anymore. Not in the way it should. “

“ James, “ her words a but a whisper as his name tumbles from her lips and she lets her wedding dress fall to the floor to sit next to him and hold his face in between her hands. “ That wasn’t your fault and you are not broken. I want a family, yes. I want a child. But with you. I want a family with you and it doesn’t matter if it’s my blood or not. It’s our family whichever way we decide to do this. And if we — if we stay just us and Alpine that’s fine too. I just want you and whatever else we decide on. Together. I love you, James. I love you and I miss you and I don’t want a baby if it’s not with you. A family means nothing if it doesn’t include you. Whatever the consequences of the serum are, they are not your fault. You are not broken, James. You are you. You’re a hero. A husband. And maybe one day a father but above all, you are James Buchanan Barnes, a survivor and you are not broken.  “

He knows he should be saying so many things right then but all his thoughts get tangled up and won't find the way to his lips.

Instead, he says the only other thing he can think about right then.

“ You looked so beautiful in your wedding dress. “

She laughs through the flood of tears that leak from her eyes and trail down her face.

“ I mean you always look beautiful but that day. My god. I honestly couldn’t believe you said yes to me — of all people. 106 year old me. Wouldn’t believe it until the moment you walked down the aisle. Then I knew that this was really the start of my new life. Of my forever. “

“ I miss you Bucky. “

“ I miss you too. “

“ I don’t want to divorce you. I want to be your wife and I want you to be my husband.”

“ Even without the babies? “

“ Yes, “ she nods and brushes her fingers through his short hair. “ You are my family James and you are enough for me. Always”

“ I love you. “ he says because really, it’s the only thing he can think of. The thing he wants most. The only thing that matters.

Without another word, he pulls the ring from the box and delicately slips it back onto her finger. Where it belongs. Where it always belonged.

“ I’m sorry I was ever this stupid. I should’ve just talked to you “

“ Yeah you should have but right now can you — can you just kiss me? “

She doesn’t need to ask him twice. He kisses her once, then twice, then once again. It’s been a long long time since the last time he’s kissed her. Too long. Way too long.

He’s not gonna stop anytime soon. Never again. Never ever again.

“ Hey, “ he says “ how about you slip into your wedding dress I think for all my stupid decisions I owe you a dance. “

“ I think you might be right. “

And she’s smiling, so bright and radiant. Like the sun. Like all the stars. Like his own personal light in the darkness.

“ Don’t expect too much though. I just cried, my hair is a mess — I won’t look the way you remember me looking in this dress. “

“ You’ll look gorgeous.”

And he’s right. She looks breathtaking. She looks like a wonderful, wonderful dream. Like love captured in a person. Like a second chance. Like his home.

There are a lot of thoughts racing through Bucky’s mind as he pulls her close and they sway to the melodic tunes of their wedding song as it sounds from the speakers of her cellphone. But above all there’s love. And the knowledge that he is enough. That they are enough. Their tiny little family. Perfect and not broken or missing anything. It’s good as it is.

They don’t have to think about who gets to keep the decorative throw pillows, the records they used to collect together, the plates that were a wedding gift, the cat. Because it’s theirs. Together. Shared.

And forever.

[lorbanery]

Like

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Helena Bonham Carter is a phenomenal actress. It is not her fault that she's been typecast as the kooky aging mall goth aunt for the past, like, fifteen years. Watch pretty much anything she's done outside of Terfwarts and anything directed by Burton and you can see that.

The fact that her Mrs. Lovett is like sleepwalking through the movie is a deliberate choice and I think based on her other performances and how deliberately she seems to be acting aloof and half asleep makes it obvious that it was a deliberate directorial choice.

Now you could argue that oh it's just a different take on the character and just because it's different doesn't make it bad! Which is true!

What makes it bad is that the two main characters sing an entire song where they're trying to one-up each other in a 3 minute long pun-off making this face -_- the whole time.

Mrs. Lovett spends the entire show frantically running around doing everything she can and then some to make Sweeney even vaguely accepting of a relationship with her, making up whole ass romantic domestic bliss out of those crumbs, and then being SHOCKED and APPALLED when reality doesn't line up with her fantasy.

But Burton really wants me to believe that "trudging around the set with constant resting bitch face like she can barely be assed to get out of bed" is a valid character choice?

The only thing that really does is solidify that Burton really, fundamentally, does not care about anyone's work but his own.

Like, we already saw a bit of this with Alice in Wonderland. He's one record as saying that he never liked the original story because it didn't make sense [insert "the point going over your head" meme], which is a WILD thing for a self-declared Weirdo Freak to say, first of all. So his goal was to make it make sense and the result of that was this tortured Chosen One story where the Mad Hatter has fucking PTSD-induced DID or whatever the hell.

Because he fundamentally does not respect the source material. And I think you can see that in Sweeney Todd too.

A lot of people have written and talked at length about how Burton's continued self-identification as a weirdo well into the era when he was just being handed massive properties with multi-million dollar budgets to do whatever the fuck he wants with them is part of why his movies have been so blah at best. Most of those people have also pointed out that the movie he's most known for — The Nightmare Before Christmas — wasn't even actually directed by him, it was just based on a story that he wrote and his illustrations.

And I'd argue that that ... kind of feeds into this disrespect he seems to have to properties that aren't his own.

Because he still thinks of himself as this weird goth kid who no one understands and makes weird niche media for weird cult movie enjoyers. And that was kind of true! Anyone who grew up in the '90s can tell you that while TNBC was generally well-known, it was well-known in the way that the stop-motion Rudolph movie was well-known. It was a niche holiday movie that it was normal for some people to watch around Halloween and/or Christmas, but liking it beyond that was kind of weird.

But you know what? It's currently 20-fucking-23 and I can decorate my house in entirely TNBC-themed Halloween decorations if I wanted to bought entirely at my local Walgreens. The man isn't weird or niche anymore. And arguably hasn't been for, like, twenty years.

Now, I fully believe that the guy who said "Hey what if Frankenstein but a kid bringing his beloved dog back to life and also the neighborhood still brutally chases the mosterdog down in the final act?" was treated as kind of a big weirdo at Disney in the '90s. But it's also important to note that ... Frankenweeinie still got made. And I'm not even talking about the full length animated feature! There was a whole ass live action short film starring the kid from The Neverending Story, Shelly fucking Duvall, and with an appearance by a young Sofia Coppola! And it came out almost TEN YEARS before TNBC did! SIX years before Edward Scissorhands! FOUR years before Batman! So you can't even argue that they only made it because he was having some big silver screen success so wanted to indulge him!

Anyway, my point was that I can see how a guy who thinks of himself as fundamentally weird and outsider, as the lifelong goth who only makes niche movies for cult movie enjoyers? Would think of these other pieces of popular media as somehow above his in popular culture. Like, it doesn't matter that Alice in Wonderland has been a literary haven for most kids who actually find themselves on the outskirts of mainstream culture. What matters is that it's a story that everybody knows. Therefore, as a self-declared niche movie maker and weirdo, it's not only makes sense for Burton to not like Alice in Wonderland, it's actually good and cool for him to not like it.

"But what about Batman?"

A fair point. Burton's Batman movies are the most widely acclaimed Batman movies, except among people who are pissed off about the liberties he took with Penguin and Catwoman in Batman Returns. I, personally, love both of them.

There's an argument to be made that they were made earlier in his career when he still cared about pleasing someone other than his own skewed ego.

But I think there's also something else to be said for the place Batman held in mainstream culture at the time. Because I think Burton, more than anyone else, including Frank Miller, brought Batman into mainstream adult culture.

Because it has to be pointed out that while the '60s and '70s saw DC comics dealing with more serious topics and handling those topics in more mature ways, superhero comics were, at that point, still largely seen as media for kids. Like, you want to know why the Adam West Batman series was so campy and over-the-top? It's because they were spoofing what were essentially kids' cartoons. The bungling cops, the over-dramatic, heavily themed supervillains, Batman's rigid devotion to traffic safety laws? It was the "Captain America PSA meme" of its time.

So Batman was already pretty niche, at least for adult audiences. And given the dark and brooding tone that Batman comics were starting to develop around the time Burton was growing up? I fully believe that there was something about Batman that Burton liked. Otherwise? It was a fluke. And the fact that his personal brand fit neatly into the Batman mythos meant that the "fix" just kind of worked entirely by accident.

Anyway, all this to say someone get Guillermo Del Toro to adapt Sweeney Todd But Good so that I can stop being mad that the movie adaptation was such a trashfire.

Also if you've only seen the movie, please look up the filmed production of the original Broadway cast (including Angela Lansbury as Mrs. Lovett!). It used to be up for free on Youtube, but you might have to go further afield to find it now. But GOD it's so worth it.

Every time I listen to a good rendition of "A Little Priest" I'm forced to remember how horribly Burton's "Sweeney Todd" butchered (haha) it and I get angry about it all over again.

[vdlest]

My Works:

2am knock on my door

Posted: May 17, 2021

Characters: Bucky Barnes x Anger!Reader

Summary: After Tony's death, Cap's disappearance, and end of Thanos, everybody go on separate ways to continue their lives. You became alone. But one rainy night, you heard a knock on your door, only to find Bucky Barnes soaking wet outside your apartment. You soon realized that you're not the only person who feels that kind of sadness and loneliness. That makes the two of you.

Warning: None

His I Love You

Posted: May 17, 2021

Characters: Bucky Barnes x reader

Summary: You and Bucky are in temporary LDR due to his mission and just by hearing those three magical words, you felt okay.

Warning: None

You Saved Me

Posted: May 18, 2021

Characters: Bucky Barnes x reader

Summary: You kept him from being insane by loving him for who he was, who he is, and who will he be.

Warning: None

Costumes

Posted: May 18, 2021

Characters: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: You and the avengers are having a Halloween party, and someone came with a familiar costume, making your heart skip a beat.

Warning: None

As Long As We Both Shall Live

Sequel to "2am Knock On My Door"

Posted: May 19, 2021

Characters: Bucky Barnes x Avenger!Reader

Summary: Bucky didn't like the idea of you avoiding him. So during the mini-reunion party, he confronted you.

Warning: None

Turning Point

Posted: May 19, 2021

Characters: Bucky Barnes x BestFriend!Reader

Summary: You were out with your girl friends, Nat and Wanda, but when you got home, your boy best friend, Bucky, isn't so happy about you coming home late.

Warning: None

Good Morning, Husband

Posted: May 20, 2021

Characters: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: You woke up and see Bucky Barnes beside you, realizing that it's your first morning as husband and wife.

Warning: None

My Lady

Posted: May 20, 2021

Characters: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: It is Tony's birthday party and everyone's required to wear their best formal attire, and when you did, you caught the attention of James Buchanan Barnes.

Warning: None

He Won't Allow It

Posted: May 22, 2021

Characters: TFATWS!Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: Just when Zemo is about to use you as a pawn to your next plan for your mission in Prague, Bucky decided to remind him that he won't allow anyone to use you. An unexpected confession came after.

Warning: Swearing

Dreamcatcher

Posted: May 22, 2021

Characters: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: Bucky continues to have his nightmares night by night. You advised him to follow what his therapist told him to do — to have a friend. It turns out, you also needed one. Will the two of you take this chance to help each other?

Warning: None aside from swearing

You Left Something

Posted: May 23, 2021

Characters: Bucky Barnes x ExAvenger!Reader

Summary: It has been a year since you left the life of being an Avenger. But after a year, someone showed up in your house, telling you that you left something when you left your old life. What could it be?

Warning: Swearing, mention of sex/one-night stand

You Matter

Posted: May 23, 2021

Characters: Bucky Barnes x Girlfriend!Reader

Summary: You and Bucky together with the other Avengers went to Florida for a mission. When your ex-suitor was also in the same area, your boyfriend, Bucky Barnes, is triggered by your ex's words. How can you make him feel better?

Warning: Jealousy, A little bit of smut, Swearing

I'll Come Home To You

Posted: May 24, 2021

Characters: Bucky Barnes x Avenger!Reader

Summary: All the men avengers are compromised in a big mission that has to do with an organization trying to revive and continue HYDRA's works. Seeing your fiance, Bucky, leave months before your wedding makes you worried.

Warning: None

His Muse

Posted: May 25, 2021

Characters: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: Tony and Pepper are finally tying the knot. And your date for their wedding is none other than James Buchanan Barnes, your best friend.

Warning: None

Still His

Posted: May 25, 2021

Characters: Bucky Barnes x Reader, Winter Soldier x Reader

Summary: You lost him five years ago, but what happens when the new fist of HYDRA turns out to be the man you thought was a ghost already.

Warning: Swearing, Alternate Universe, Poorly Written

Lost & Found

Posted: May 26, 2021

Characters: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: Nearly three years ago, the Avengers lost in a battle for humanity. They lost because of Thanos. Half of the planet vanished in thin air and only God knows what happened to them. Surprisingly, you received a call from Nat telling you that Tony Stark is safely back in the compound with the help of Captain Marvel. But you get another surprise when Nat tells you that Bucky did not vanish three years ago, he was with Tony this whole time. 

Warning: None

No One, But You

Posted: May 26, 2021

Characters: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: You, Sam, and Bucky went to Prague for a mission that has something to do with what they call the Flash Smashers, but Bucky is not his usual "game on" mode and you found out why. He's still grieving over Steve's disappearance and for not being able to apologize to Tony.

Warning: Swearing

Onto It

Posted: May 27, 2021

Characters: TFATWS!Bucky Barnes x Avenger!Reader

Summary: Bucky and Sam are both in New York to finish their mission with the power broker, which turns out to be Sharon Carter. The latter is not just the villain in this story, but you once got jealous of her as well when she tried to seduce your man.

Warning: Swearing, Jealousy, Mention of Smut

Nice To Meet You

Posted: May 28, 2021

Characters: TFATWS!Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: The restaurant where Bucky always takes Yori to eat with him is where you actually work. You've been watching and staring at him for quite some time now but didn't have the courage to introduce yourself to him. But what happens when Yori asked Bucky to take you out?

Warning: None

No Goodbyes

Posted: May 29, 2021

Characters: Bucky Barnes x Reader, CivilWar!Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: You fought for team Captain America during the Civil War. You were one of the people who believed that Bucky Barnes can gain his redemption. Fighting alongside Bucky, the two of you did not have a hard time getting along and eventually fell for each other. But after the fight in the airport, he decided to freeze himself again until a solution for his condition comes.

Warning: None

Always Beside You

Posted: May 30, 2021

Characters: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: You and Bucky have been living together for a year now. Ever since you came into his life, he stopped having nightmares, not until Sam gave up the shield and the country have a new Captain America.

Warning: None

It's Her

Posted: May 31, 2021

Characters: Bucky Barnes x Avenger!Reader

Summary: It was supposed to be a night of fun with the whole team, but your ex-boyfriend shows up and tries to ruin your night.

Warning: Swearing, AU, Mention of a little SMUT

Scarred & Bruised

Posted: June 1, 2021

Characters: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: Each time you find yourself falling in love, you'd tell them about your dark past, and they'll always end up leaving you. So you tried not to fall in love with anyone since then, and it has been years since you felt love in your life. But then you met Bucky, and it's not hard to fall in love with him so you ran away from him. After a year of hiding and running from the man you thought was just like anyone else, he found you, and no chance that he'll let you go again.

Warning: Swearing, Mention of rape, Violence

You Made Me Live Again

Posted: June 2, 2021

Characters: Bucky Barnes x Avenger!Reader, Steve Rogers x Avenger!Reader

Summary: You used to date Steve Rogers, but you knew that he has always been in love with Peggy, so you two stopped dating. Two years later, you met Bucky and slowly fell for each other, but you two decided to keep your relationship a secret since both of you doesn't want to shock everyone, especially Steve, who happens to be Bucky's best friend. But until when can both of you hold back?

Warning: Open-ended, Sappy Ending

Midnight Talks

Posted: June 7,2021

Characters: Bucky Barnes x Avenger!Reader

Summary: After Bucky and Sam's mission in Brooklyn, they came back to the compound and you noticed that something is not right with Bucky. One midnight, you can't sleep and found Bucky in the mini-bar in the compound and you finally found out why he's been acting differently.

Warning: fluff, a little smut, drinking

More than anything

Posted: June 8, 2021

Characters: Bucky Barnes x BestFriend!Reader

Summary: You and Bucky have been best friends since high school. He always asked you for advice whenever he's dating someone, when you say no, he'd say no as well. But one night, you found each other in your room, having sex. Waking up the next day, he's gone. No text, no call, nothing.

Warning: mention of smut

Build a life together

Posted: June 9, 2021

Characters: Bucky Barnes x Girlfriend!Reader

Summary: You and Bucky joined Sam to help him restore their family boat. But a life-changing event took place. An event of a lifetime for you and Bucky.

Warning: none

Of all the things

Posted: June 10, 2021

Characters: Bucky Barnes x Stark!Reader

Summary: Even before the civil war took place, you sided with Captain America about his point of view of Bucky Barnes — that he could gain his redemption. Bucky has never shown you anything bad ever since you met him. The next thing you knew, he caught your heart too. You took their side up to the civil war, and you knew your brother, Tony, would be hurt by your decision.

After the civil war, Tony told you about the truth of the death of your parents, the Winter Soldier killed them. You were hurt too, for all along you knew they got into an accident but it turns out, they were murdered.

Seeing how devastated Tony is for feeling betrayed by Steve Rogers and feeling hurt upon learning what really happened to your parents, you decided to go back with him in New York, without even saying goodbye to Bucky, the man you secretly loved.

A year later, you & Tony received a call from Wakanda, you are needed in a war. But little did you know, you're about to cross paths again with the man you've always loved from afar and secretly.

Warning: none

Only yours forever

Posted: June 11, 2021

Characters: Bucky Barnes x Avenger!Reader

Summary: You and the rest of the remaining avengers decided to team up with the Eternals, but seems like your boyfriend, Bucky Barnes, isn't a fan of Ikaris and the way he stares at you.

Warning: Jealousy, Fluff, Implied Smut

I'm home in your arms

Posted: June 14, 2021

Characters: Bucky Barnes x Girlfriend!Reader

Summary: Bucky always comes to visit you, but he asked you to come over to his place this time. Upon your arrival at his apartment, you found him sad and emotional.

Warning: Fluff

Definition of heaven

Posted: June 16, 2021

Characters: Boyfriend!Bucky Barnes x Girlfriend!Reader

Summary: You found out you were pregnant with Bucky's baby when the blip took place. You keep the baby and raised him by yourself and with the help of a few friends. You have always believed that Bucky will come back to you and your son, Gabriel. Five years later, the Avengers won, Bucky came home to you and Gabriel.

Warning: Fluff

Sergeant Barnes' last letter

Posted: June 18, 2021

Characters: InfinityWar!Bucky Barnes x Fiance!Reader

Summary: You woke up in your bed without Bucky by your side. The only thing you found on his trace is his letter for you, saying his temporary farewell as he leaves for Wakanda to fight with his pal, Steve against Thanos.

Warning: Fluff

Let me take care of you

Posted: June 21, 2021

Characters: TFATWS!Bucky Barnes x Avenger!Reader

Summary: Joining forces with John Walker is the last thing you, Sam, and Bucky want to consider, but after seeing the powerful force of the Flag Smashers, the three of you left with no other choice.

Warning: Jealousy, Swearing, Fluff

The Barnes & Rogers talk

Posted: June 23, 2021

Characters: Bucky Barnes x Girlfriend!Reader

Summary: Bucky can't stop talking about you to his best friend, Steve Rogers.

Warning: Fluff

Could we?

Posted: June 26, 2021

Characters: ExBF!Bucky Barnes x ExGF!Reader

Summary: A normal day turns out to be different when you bumped into your ex, Bucky Barnes.

Warning: Fluff

Get her

Posted: July 2, 2021

Characters: Bucky Barnes x Avenger!Reader

Summary: When Bucky found out that you were taken by the subgroup of HYDRA called "The Atonement," he will do everything just to bring you back safely.

Warning: Fluff, Expect an open ending, Heartbreak

Convincing Mr. Barnes

Posted: July 5, 2021

Characters: Bucky Barnes x GF!Reader

Summary: Instead of going out of town with you, you convinced Bucky to help Sam in restoring their family boat.

Warning: Fluff, A little bit of SMUT

Just stay

Posted: July 7, 2021

Characters: Bucky Barnes x Neighbor!Reader

Summary: Clogged sink, carrying heavy furniture, fixing your broken headboard - these are just some of the times you called your neighbor, Bucky, for help, and he'll be happy to help you without anything in exchange. Until you finally offered something he can't resist, your body.

Warning: Mention of SMUT (18+), Fluff, Bucky being rough and soft at the same time

A little too late

Posted: July 9, 2021

Characters: ExBF!Bucky Barnes x ExGF!Reader

Summary: Bucky broke up with you and left you when he thought you were cheating on him with Steve. He left without any God damn word, and you weren't able to tell him that you never cheated on him, not even a thought of it.

3 years later, Bucky received a letter from Steve, making Bucky feel guilty for what he did to you.

Warning: Angst, Mention of miscarriage, Expect a heartbreak

Love than lose

Posted: July 11, 2021

Characters: TFAWTS!Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: The day Bucky confessed to you that he likes you, you told him that you can't be with someone whose life is always in the line of death. So you two decided not to do anything. But when you saw him in the news regarding his mission to end Flag Smashers alongside the new Captain America, Sam, you rushed towards the scene to tell him that you regret your decision.

Warning: Fluff

Each other's home

Posted: July 14, 2021

Characters: Husband!Bucky Barnes x Wife!Reader

Summary: You just got home from your shopping and spa day with Wanda and Nat, and you found your loving husband cooking dinner for both of you. Just a normal sweet night with the love of your life.

Warning: Fluff

Always you

Posted: July 19, 2021

Characters: Bucky Barnes x GF!Reader

Summary: Thea team is out for a celebratory dinner, but it turns out your ex-boyfriend was also in the same restaurant. Your boyfriend, Bucky Barnes, can't help but feel a "little" jealous.

Warning: Fluff, Jealousy, Mention of SMUT

Morning star

Posted: July 23, 2021

Characters: TFATWS!Bucky Barnes x Avenger!Reader

Summary: When Zemo asked Bucky to play the role of the Winter Soldier once more for the mission in Madripoor, you can't help but feel anxious about it.

Warning: Fluff

Says who

Posted: July 29, 2021

Characters: TFAWTS!Bucky Barnes x Avenger!Reader

Summary: You think Bucky hates you because he is too professional when you two are working on a mission, he doesn't do small talks, and he doesn't talk to you about any other thing aside from the mission itself. So when you had enough of his professionalism, you decided to confront him.

Warning: Fluff

Cap's divulgence

Posted: July 31, 2021

Characters: Steve Rogers x GF!Reader

Summary: After six months of putting your relationship with Steve Rogers in much secrecy, the star-spangled man boyfriend of yours finally broke the news to everyone in a celebratory dinner.

Warning: Fluff

For a lifetime

Posted: August 2, 2021

Characters: Husband!Bucky Barnes x Wife!Reader // Groom!Bucky Barnes x Bride!Reader

Summary: You just got married to the man you love, and on the reception, you are asked to give a message to your husband.

Warning: Fluff

The only family he got

Posted: August 7, 2021

Characters: PostEndgame!Bucky Barnes x Avenger!Reader

Summary: Bucky is still haunted by sadness after his pal, Steve Rogers, decided to live the life he never had with Peggy. He's very afraid that he'll choose the family he only got left, you.

Warning: Fluff

[reidandweep]

Stitching

Spencer Reid x Reader (female)

A/N- Much like Adam Driver, I have been a huge fan of Matthew Gray Gubler and criminal minds for years. With quarantine, I decided to re-watch the show from the beginning and I had some inspiration. My writing tends to take a while but if you have any requests or idea for Spencer Reid, please send them my way.

Word Count- 6286 words

Warning- Angst, mentions of violence and torture, fluff, tears, and the usual criminal minds details.

If you prick us do we not bleed? If you tickle us do we not laugh? If you poison us do we not die? And if you wrong us shall we not revenge? -William Shakespeare.

QUANTICO, VIRGINIA

“Good morning my lover and friends. As of 8:45 am, yesterday morning, four bodies have been found across the Washington State area. Locations confirmed to be Pomeroy, Baker City, Salem, and Mill Creek. All victims were very similar in physical appearance; Caucasian, red hair, brown eyes, approximately 5ft 4’.”

Garcia swiped her tablet to display family photographs of the victims on the screen. The team watched, in the debriefing room, as they scanned through their own tablets; reading through the details. Spencer’s eyes flittered over the images as his fingers scanned across the words in his paper file; still adamant on not working with technology like the rest of his team.

“What about the cause of death? How were they found?”

Garcia shivered at Rossi’s question.

“It’s not a pretty image. Each victim was dismembered at the elbows, knees, neck, and stomach. Further cuts were made vertically down the stomach and across the face, arms, and legs. Not deep enough to cut through bone, but deep enough to bleed out. Where the unsub cut our victims, he then sewed them back together.”

Emily looked up at Garcia.

“Are you saying the lacerations were made before the victim’s died?”

“Precisely. Each autopsy report came back the same with the cause of death pointing to the direction of blood loss; specifically, from the throat.”

The team looked at the new images before them. Multiple pictures appeared on the screen, showing the bodies of the victims. The pictures showing the women laid out in the same pose, thick thread holding together the pieces of their corpses. All had their eyes closed, except one.

“Garcia, the last victim, zoom into her face.”

Garcia did as Spencer asked.

“Her eyes are closed.”

Spencer nodded, glancing towards JJ as she spoke.

“Meaning that he felt remorse for this murder.”

Derek scrolled through the pictures on his tablet.

“The other three victim’s eyes are open, indicating that he wanted them to look. To watch what he was doing, whatever it may have been.”

Spencer looked across the table at the questioning faces.

“So, what changed between the third and the fourth victim?”

Hotch stood from his seat, indicating the others to grab their belonging.

“We can discuss further on jet. Wheels up in thirty.”

WASHINGTON STATE

Being greeted by the local police department in Clagstone, Spencer and the team began their investigation into the murders. Spencer did not know what it was, but the stitching on the bodies felt familiar. Like he had seen them before.

Looking up from his files, Spencer watched as Derek walked into the room, ending a call with who he could only presume to be Garcia.

“Garcia has just completed background checks on our latest victim. Lily Trent visited local film screenings at the Southview Centre religiously, to watch horror movies in particular. Seems like the girl loved anything horror and Halloween; according to her roommate and her computer history. It seems that are other victims did also.”

Spencer stood from his seat and walked towards the whiteboard at the back of the room. Writing down the details Derek stated, his brain began to filter through the relevant information needed.

“Halloween is ranked the ninth most celebrated holiday in the world. With different interpretations of the holiday occurring according to country and culture. Wearing costumes at Halloween did not even become an occurrence until 1585, with the first instance recorded in Scotland.”

Derek chuckled at Reid’s excitement. He knew the boy loved Halloween.

“Well it all looks like they were pretty huge fans of the holiday and horror films. Maybe our unsub was too.”

Spencer looked down at the photos in his hand, scanning his memory for any correlation.

“Maybe, it’s not just horror, but a particular film. If all the victims were presented in a certain way, maybe the unsub is trying to replicate what happened to a character in a particular film.”

Derek crossed his arms over his chest.

“I’ll call Garcia to search through all the victims search history to see if any particular horror films come up in each one. Do you know of any films that the unsub could have replicated?”

Spencer shook his head.

“I can collate his actions to hundreds of films but, the method of torture and look of the victims, I can’t think of one horror feature that pinpoints all that the unsub has done.”

A thought unexpectedly popped into Spencer’s mind. Derek cocked his head at the sudden halt from the resident genius.

“But I know someone who might.”

UNIVERSITY OF WASHINGTON

“The importance of genre in film alters many of the other aspects. The characters and their narrative arcs, the music score, cinematography, the edit, and so much more. Sometimes genre even dictates the director who signs onto the project. Dennis Dugan would not have a directing career if Adam Sandler stopped making comedy movies. Because that is what he directs. He doesn’t direct comedies; he directs Adam Sandler comedies. Which, in my opinion, are a whole genre on their own.”

The class chuckled.

“Genre plays a part in everyday life. Sometimes, your day will be led by romance, or grief, or action. There may be drama, or comedy, or even silence.”

The class looked on in concentration as Y/N walked across the floor. If someone who did not attend the college walked past the classroom, they could’ve presumed that she was a student. She looked young enough.

“It controls the way the characters talk, act, and move. How the plot thickens and pushes forward and…”

The doors at the back of the auditorium opened. Y/N looked up at the sound of the intrusion to see figures that she could not recognise, and one that she did.

Clearing her throat, she continued.

“And how it even ends. We shall leave it at that today. What I want you to do in the meantime is research a genre in particular and come up with examples that counteract the stereotypes that have been enforced upon the genre itself. Hand it in to your professor first thing Monday morning. Thank you.”

Y/N watched as the students collected their things and filtered out of the room. The figures waiting till she was only left before they walked down the steps.

Coming to a stop in front of her desk, Y/N crossed her arms and waited. Spencer stepped forward with a crooked smile on his face.

“Hi Y/N.”

Y/N couldn’t help but giggle.

“Long time no see stranger.”

Spencer’s cheeks burned at Y/N’s words. The team shared looks between them at the unfamiliar display. They had seen Spencer blush at people before, but not for a long time.

Spencer cleared his throat, preparing himself to act professional.

“This is Dr Y/F/N Y/L/N. Y/N travels across the country to guest speak at different universities on her topic at hand. She specialises in film studies, more importantly the focus of characters and genres. If I can’t connect the unsub’s actions to a film, Y/N most definitely can.”

Y/N smiled at Spencer’s praise.

“Nice to meet you all. So, what are you here to talk to me about Doc? Obviously, you’re here on a case and if you are asking for my help, I’m guessing it’s going to be pretty gruesome.”

Spencer blushed at the nickname; caught off guard by the word slipping of her tongue.

Sending a raised look towards Reid, Hotch began to explain why they were there.

“Were looking into a case of connected murders. All victims were found to have been mutilated and tortured in the same way. As well as showing resemblances in their physical appearances. With research, we’ve found that each victim was particularly fond of horror films and Halloween. We would just like for you to take a look and see if you could recognise if the ways in which they were harmed stemmed from a film in particular.”

Y/N nodded her head.

“Of course, anything to help.”

She reached for the files from Spencer’s hands, ignoring the tablet pushed in her direction by JJ.

“Sorry, I prefer to use paper. I only really use technology for my lectures or to watch films if they cannot be purchased in physical form.”

Derek smirked, shooting looks to his team, as his eyes landed on Spencer. He never thought he would meet a technophobe like Reid.

Y/N scanned through the pictures and documents, looking in detail at the lacerations at hand. She identified the similarities between the victims, as her mind swirled through the images and characters from the films, she knew held similarities.

“What were the names of all the victims?”

Emily looked towards the woman.

“That information is classified.”

Y/N did not blink at her abrasiveness.

“Were any of them called Sally?”

The team looked perplexed at her question.

“No. Why that name in particular?”

Y/N continued to scan the pages as Rossi questioned her.

“Because the unsub isn’t replicating anything from a horror movie. The unsub is replicating the physical appearance and staging of a character from an animated movie. A Disney one to be more specific.”

A light bulb flickered in Spencer’s mind as he stared at Y/N in realisation. The hair colours. The stitches. It made sense now.

“The Nightmare Before Christmas.”

LOCAL POLICE DEPARTMENT

“The Nightmare Before Christmas is a 1993 American stop-motion animated musical Halloween-Christmas fantasy film directed by Henry Selick and produced and conceived by Tim Burton. It became a cult classic during the early 2000s with orchestral concerts occurring every year to celebrate the spectacle of the film.”

Spencer indicated for JJ to change the monitor as he and Y/N stood in front of the team to explain the information.

“Originally, the story began as a poem written by Tim Burton. Both narratives follow the protagonist, Jack Skellington, into his journey to Christmastown, and how he tries to make Christmas his own. The character in question that your unsub is replicating is the love interest of our protagonist. Created by Dr Finkelstein, Sally is a ragdoll-esque character whose body is covered with stitches to keep her together. The form in which all the women were found is identical to this scene in the movie.”

The screen changes to show the scene in question; paused at the precise moment to prover her point.

“All red haired, all Caucasian, all eerily the same. The stitches are exactly the same and the pose in which they are in the pictures are also.”

“We now know which film our unsub is mimicking, but how can we produce a distinguished profile of our unsub? All we can say is that between his third and fourth victim, he suddenly began to feel remorseful of his crimes.”

Y/N looked towards Spencer, waiting for him to speak as he knew more details about the case.

“Garcia checked into the victim’s computer histories and found that all four victims attended a horror convention in the Washington state area over the course of the past month. The convention in particular runs every other weekend, focusing on different horror films to highlight. However, they always make an exception for one film; The Nightmare Before Christmas. Whilst reviewing receipts for the tickets, they were all brought through the convention’s website, which is run by its board of organisation every year. Up until recently, the board has held the same members.”

Derek tapped on his tablet to the convention’s website.

“Last month, the website released details stating that a distinguish member was no longer part of the board due to unforeseen circumstances.”

It suddenly dawned on Y/N who Derek was talking about.

“Dean Faulkner.”

Spencer whipped around towards Y/N.

All eyes laid on her as her breath increased.

“You know him?”

Y/N nodded at Hotch.

“I guest spoke at a panel with him a few years back at a separate university. We were both there, amongst others, to talk about the works of a genre that are expertise were in. I was there to basically provide loose ends for what they could not answer. Dean’s specialised area was horror. The whole time he spoke about what he described as the true villains of horror and of the world.”

Y/N gulped, her mouth going dry.

“Women.”

The wheels began to turn in the team’s heads.

Spencer stepped closer towards Y/N in assurance, seeing that her thoughts were becoming overwhelmed. He quickly stepped back after he realised what he had done.

“He went on a raging tangent about the damsel in distress and the final girl. Going on and on and on about how women are weak and would never be the last one standing if faced against the monsters in real life. How they manipulated the men and made the monsters seem worse than they truly were. The only time he spoke positively about women was when we finally calmed him down and, during a Q&A session, a student asked him who the perfect horror movie character was. He said Sally because she was forgiving and would do anything for Jack; even if that meant falling apart and being sewn back together. I tried to justify that the film does not necessarily fall into the genre of horror. But he rebutted saying that it most definitely did, because of the fact that Jack’s dream did not come true.”

The room was silent for a second, taking in the information.

Suddenly, Y/N grasped the pen from Spencer’s hands. Her finger scribbling across the whiteboard.

“I need to know the names of the victims. Get Penelope on the phone and tell me the names.”

The team shocked at her erratic movements, sat in silence.

“Do you want to capture this guy?”

Spencer licked his lips and repeated the victim’s names.

“Susanna Cole, Alice Dawes, Liberty May, and Lily Trent.”

Y/N swiftly wrote the names on the boards. Each name below the other. Underneath the last name she wrote the letter Y.

“Can you ask Penelope to track any females with the first name beginning with Y who have purchased a ticket to the next convention?”

Derek quickly began to type to her. The rest of the team looking on in disbelief.

“There were twenty-three purchases, but with cross referencing with the similarities in the other victims, one matched. Her name is Yasmine Driver.”

Y/N wrote the name on the board. Circling all the first letters of each name, it became clear there was another connection with the victims.

“Their initials spell Sally.”

Y/N nodded at JJ’s disbelief.

“Reid, when is the next convention being held?”

Spencer diverted his attention to Emily.

“Their schedule every two weeks, so that would make it… tomorrow.”

The team swiftly moved into action.

“JJ bring together the police force for a debrief. Derek and Rossi, go to the convention centre and question the board about Dean. Ask them how often he visited and if they have any knowledge of the victims visits to the convention. Spencer and Emily, contact Penelope for Faulkner’s address. Once you have visited the home, if he is there, bring him in. We’re going to try and catch him before he gets close to his goal. I will locate Yasmine and bring her to the station for safety. We don’t know how far he is going to go and what the end goal of his fantasy is. But we are going to stop him.”

The team swiftly did as they were told, leaving the room with only Spencer and Y/N behind. Just before the door shot, Hotch leaned back in.

“Thank you, Dr Y/L/N, for all your help. If possible, could you stay here with JJ and look through the documents? You know this guy more than we do, so any more information that comes to mind, please let us know.”

Y/N and Spencer watched as Hotch left the room, the door shutting behind him.

As the silence engulfed them, Y/N and Spencer were hyper aware that they were now alone and had been for the first time in weeks.

Spencer swiftly walked towards Y/N and embraced her in a tight hold. Wrapping her arms around the slender man, Y/N breathed in his scent.

“I’ve missed you.”

Y/N chuckled at Spencer’s muffled words, as his head rested on top of her own. Pulling back, Y/N slowly released Spencer, letting her hands drop to her sides.

“I’ve missed you too Doc. We can catch up later, I will be waiting right here. Now, go and save the girl.”

Spencer chuckled at her words but did as Y/N said. Throwing her a smile, Spencer quickly walked out the room, leaving Y/N behind.

Y/N sat in the room, looking over the files as the time passed, waiting to see Spencer return with the rest of the team. A knock on the door startled her from her search.

Looking up at the door, Y/N saw JJ walk into the room with two cups of coffee in her hands. JJ outstretched the one hand, placing the cup in front of Y/N, as she took a seat and began to sip at her own.

“I didn’t know how many sugars you took so I estimated.”

Y/N smiled at the woman’s kindness.

“Thank you. Have you heard anything from the others?”

JJ sat up in her seat as she watched Y/N look over the documents. Her fingers moving across the pages ever so quickly. Her hand that wasn’t tapped continuously on the table in a rhythm.

“Spencer and Emily located Faulkner’s home, but it was vacant. They’re looking around the premises for clues for where he may be; as we speak. Hotch and Derek just called saying they are on their way down with Yasmine now.”

Y/N nodded at her words. Glad to hear that the girl was safe, but the main priority now would be to locate Faulkner. She wanted to truly help them, before anyone else could get hurt.

JJ grabbed her tablet and began to search through the files for any missed out information. Silence befell across the pair, until JJ could not help but ask what they had all been dying to know.

“How did you and Spencer meet?”

Y/N had been waiting for the question. She had seen the looks the team had shared throughout the day. The questioning gazes towards the pair.

“Spencer and I were both guests speaking at the University of California a few months ago. He must have finished his lecture early as he was wondering the halls when he came across the class I was teaching. I was stood on the desk, encouraging the students to do the same. Spencer thought I was a student causing trouble whilst the professor had left the room. He ran in sprouting facts about the percentage of people who fall and severely hurt themselves whilst standing on tables. Telling me that I should get down before he reports me to my professor.”

JJ chuckled at Y/N’s story.

“Sounds like Spence alright.”

Y/N giggled in agreement. As she spoke, Y/N couldn’t help but smile at the memory of their first encounter. JJ noticed the smile on the woman’s face. She knew what that smile meant.

“So, I told him that he better stay there to catch me, just in case I fell, as I was trying to teach my students about the importance of character actions, and how doing something as simple as standing on a desk can amplify the tone of the scene. Like in the film Dead Poet’s Society. Spencer finally realised that I was also a guest speaker and he actually stood there for the next 40 minutes of my lecture. I didn’t need to stand on the desk that long, but I wanted to see if he would stay. Once the lecture had finished, he apologised for jumping to conclusions. I apologised for making him wait for 40 minutes in case I fell. He told me I didn’t make him wait; he chose to. We’ve been in contact ever since.”

Just as Y/N finished her story, the door to the conference room opened once more. Looking towards the door, Y/N watched as Hotch entered, followed by Yasmine. The young woman looked scared, but unharmed.

Y/N stood from her seat, unsure of what to do as Hotch insisted for Yasmine to take a seat.

“Do you want me to leave?”

Hotch nodded his head.

“We shouldn’t be long. The rest of the team are outside in the bullpen. You can go ahead and join them. JJ and I will take it from here.”

Y/N nodded her head, leaving the room. She watched as Hotch and JJ questioned spoke to Yasmine through the glass, before she turned and walked down the corridor to find Spencer and his friends.

Turning the corner, Y/N failed to stop herself before bumping into a tall figure. Looking up to apologise, her eyes suddenly widened at the familiar face. Before a sound could leave her lips, a blunt force knocked her out cold.

Spencer and the team discussed where Faulkner could be when Hotch strode into the bull pen.

“How did it go?”

Hotch walked towards his team, ready to answer Derek’s question.

“It seems that Faulkner had been stalking the victims for some time. Yasmine detailed seeing him turn up at the conventions, even though he was no longer allowed. She had previously complained about his behaviour to the board before his dismissal. Stating that Faulkner had sexually harassed her. Rossi, did anyone at the convention mention anything about Faulkner that we don’t know?”

“It seems that Yasmine wasn’t the only one. The other board members went into detail about why he was fired. It turned out that all of our victims, including Yasmine, had filed lawsuits against Faulkner for sexual harassment. The charges were ultimately dropped and never recorded to keep the convention’s reputation clear. But they fired Faulkner and banned him from being able to attend any further conventions. Taking away the Nightmare Before Christmas dedicated stand was just a coincidence. They felt that the convention needed something new as they had been celebrating the film for over eight years.”

Just as Hotch was about to declare what the next step would be in finding Faulkner, JJ burst through the ball pen.

“Guys, you have to come quick.”

The team, in shock, watched as JJ ran back towards the conference room. All quickly on her heels. Entering the room, she took control of the laptop, streaming the image to the projector.

Spencer could no longer breathe as he looked at the image on the screen.

“Y/N.”

The screen showed Y/N tied to a chair and bent forward; clearly in pain. Her surroundings empty and dark.

Suddenly a voice was heard.

“I sense there's something in the wind. That seems like tragedy's at hand isn’t there Dr Y/F/N Y/L/N.”

The team watched in horror as Dean Faulkner yanked Y/N’s head back, her body letting out a strangled cry at the pain caused by his actions.

Spencer felt sick, he felt like he was watching himself when Tobias Hankel had held him captive.

“Emily, call Garcia to track his location. We don’t have much time.”

Emily did as Hotch told her to. Talking as quickly as she could on the phone.

“She can’t track it; he’s re-routing the IP address every thirty seconds.”

“She needs to track it. She needs to find her now!”

They all jumped at Spencer’s outburst, watching as tears filled his vision and his hands began to shake.

“Spencer, you need to calm down, we are going to find her. He can’t have taken her far.”

Spencer took in Derek’s words. Taking a breath, he looked back at the screen as he tried to distinguish any recognisable features of where she may be.

Faulkner moved his face to rest against Y/N’s hair, smelling the tresses. She tried to pull away only for him to yank her back again.

“Why did you kill them Dean?”

Faulkner let go of Y/N’s hair. Walking to her side, he grabbed her face in a vicious grip. Yanking her to look at him.

“Why? They ruined my life, everything I ever worked hard for. You all did.”

Y/N looked at him in confusion.

“I did nothing to you.”

Y/N’s breath increased at the vicious look he sent her way. Her eyes flickered to the camera, knowing that Faulkner was streaming what was happening to Spencer and his team. She had to find a way to tell them where she was.

“You made them question my authority. My position. My integrity as a member of the board. You ruined my reputation by belittling me in California.”.

“That’s because you know nothing about horror Dean. You think you know everything about it, but you don’t.”

Spencer couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Why was Y/N taunting him?

“Garcia’s looking to see if there’s any abandoned properties around the area that he could have taken her to.”

Spencer didn’t even acknowledge Emily’s words.

Faulkner reeled back at Y/N’s taunt.

“I know everything there is to know about horror. I’ve seen it all. I’ve lived it. I’ve created it. Ask me anything about it, I know the right answers.”

“But you don’t. You have an idea of horror, your own idea, that is wrong. You believe that women are the reason you lost your job and became the monster that you are. But they’re not. The reason you’re a monster is because of your sick and twisted fantasies. You made those girls feel small and weak, didn’t you?”

“Shut the fuck up.”

The team watched in apprehension.

“Garcia, the location, we need it now.”

Rossi looked between the screen and the phone in Derek’s hand.

“I can get the area he’s holding her, but not the specific building. The whole town is basically abandoned. She could be anywhere from a shop to a house.”

“Keep looking.”

Spencer chewed on his lips. He had to think rationally. If the unsub was upset about the changes and losing his job, what could have been the last straw?

“Derek what was the film they replaced Nightmare Before Christmas with at the convention.”

Derek and Spencer shared a look.

“Cabin in the Woods.”

Spencer ran across the rooms to the files at hand.

“In the location that Garcia has tracked her too, there are three cabins, all within a walking distance of the other.”

The team began to rush out the room, transferring the livestream to a tablet so they could monitor Faulkner and Y/N.

“You’re weak Dean. You’re just like all the horror movie villains. Ghostface, pinhead, jigsaw, all of them. You feed of fear and feeling in control. But the only thing you have in common with them is that you’re not going to win.”

Faulkner scream in rage. Pulling Y/N’s head back, he punched her in the jaw. Striding to the camera, he pushed his face to the lens.

“The party’s over!”

Spencer watched in horror as the feed went off.

“Hotch we have to hurry!”

Hotch sped up the car. Quickly arriving to the location, the team split up into pairs, taking a cabin each to inspect. Hotch and Derek, Rossi and JJ, and Spencer and Emily veered off to their targeted locations. Spencer followed Emily, trying to stay calm, as he slowly walked into the cabin to find it empty, when suddenly a gun shot was heard. Looking in the direction, the pair ran to the cabin that Derek and Hotch had been assigned. The rest of the team already there, looking into the cabin in shock.

“No, no, no, no. Y/N.”

Spencer pushed in front of them, tears pooling in his eyes as he a waited to see the horror before him. He looked in disbelief as Y/N stood from her position on the floor, the gun dropping from her hand as they shook. Faulkner laid a few feet away, in a pool of blood, no longer breathing.

Y/N looked towards the team. Raising her shaking hands towards Spencer.

“I didn’t want to kill him but he was going to shoot whoever walked through the door.”

Spencer rushed forward, grabbing her in a bone crushing hug. His hands stroking her hair as he soother her cries. Leading her out of the cabin, he allowed his team to sort out the rest as he continued to calm Y/N down.

The movement of the team were a blur as ambulances and police cars came. Taking them to the hospital as they sat in the waiting room as Y/N was checked over.

Spencer sat in the waiting room, his leg bouncing up and down with nerves.

Derek excused himself from the groups conversation as he went and sat next to Spencer. Clapping him on the back, Derek squeezed Spencer’s shoulder in re-assurance.

“She’s going to be fine pretty boy.”

“Physically, she has a concussion, bruising along her jawline, and needs stitches on her forehead. Mentally, I don’t know how she is going to handle this. When I suggested asking for her help in the case, I didn’t presume the risk of her being hurt. I should have.”

“Spencer, listen to me. We would have done everything to make sure she lived okay. She not only saved herself but she also helped save Yasmine and this team. Any one of us could have been shot if she had not thought fast and got the gun out of his hands. You know, better than anyone, how to help her deal with this.”

Spencer took in Derek’s words, nodding his head in appreciation, as he leaned against his friend in a comforting hug.

“Probably wasn’t the ideal way to introduce your girlfriend to the team though.”

Spencer stuttered at Derek’s teasing.

“We’re profilers Spencer. We’ve all noticed how you’ve been happier these past few months and seeing how persistent you were for us to consult Y/N, it gave us all an idea why. Seeing you together only confirmed our suspicions. So, how long has pretty boy had his pretty girl?”

Spencer chuckled at Derek’s words. Ringing his hands together as he spoke to Derek.

“Tomorrow is actually our six-month anniversary. She was going to be flying back today so we could celebrate; unless I got called on a case.”

“We can still celebrate.”

Spencer looked up as Y/N walked through the waiting room, fresh stitches on her forehead and an ice pack resting in her hands.

“The nurse said that there was no internal damage. That my body will just be sore for a few weeks. My concussion is light, so I am alright to travel home.”

The team gathered around to check on her. But her eyes could not leave Spencer’s as he rose from his seat. Spencer walked forward slowly, his eyes never leaving hers. Carefully he cupped her face in his hands, and to the surprise of Y/N and his team, Spencer bowed his head and placed a careful kiss on Y/N’s lips. Slow, protective, and full of love.

Pulling back, Spencer wrapped his arms around her as he looked at the beaming smiles of his teammates. Y/N couldn’t help the blush across her cheeks or the giggle that followed. Soon, everyone was chuckling at the pair.

“I would like to thank you Y/N. From the entire team. Your actions saved a young woman’s life, and what could have been one of our own.”

Y/N smiled in appreciation at Rossi’s words.

“You’re Spencer’s family. I would do it all again if I had to.”

“Statistically speaking, around 2,000 people a day are reported missing in the US. Approximately, 600 of those would be reported or considered kidnappings. It is highly unlikely for you to be put in a situation like that again.”

Y/N looked up at her boyfriend.

“I never thought I would say this, but your talk about me being kidnapped again is really attractive.”

The team laughed at the girl’s statement, seeing Spencer become physically embarrassed.

“Just to inform everyone, the jet will be ready to depart in forty-five minutes. As I was informed that today you would have been heading home, Y/N we have sent for your belongings to be collected; you can fly back with us.”

Spencer smiled at Hotch in gratitude, the older man knowing he would have only worried if she had flown home alone.

“Thank you, Mr Hotchner.”

Hotch let out a brief smile.

“Call me Hotch. Your part of Spencer’s life, that means your part of this family.”

BAU JET

It had been an exhausting few days for the team, and it showed, as they all were sporadically asleep throughout the jet. Silence encompassed the steel capsule, with only the sound of sleep filled breaths being heard.

Y/N laid fast asleep, with her head on Spencer’s shoulder, as the boy genius sat up wide awake. Looking down at the woman next to him, all Spencer could imagine was what could have happened if they weren’t quick enough. How many days he would have lost with her. All the things he wanted to tell her.

As though she could sense his deep thoughts, Y/N slowly awoke, rubbing her eyes as a yawn escaped her mouth. Blinking her eyes rapidly, she waited till she was fully conscious before she spoke.

“What time is it Doc?”

Spencer jostled out of his thoughts to check the watch on his wrist.

“It’s 2:36 am. You’ve been asleep for approximately 3 hours and 22 minutes.”

Y/N quickly sat up in her seat, wide awake.

Spencer turned towards her in worry, wondering what had made her so alert.

“What wrong? Are you feeling nauseous? Do you need some painkillers, as your due to have…”

Y/N grabbed Spencer’s face and placed her lips flush against his own. Their mouths moved in unison, as Spencer’s own hands moved to circle around her waist, bringing their bodies as close as they could be in the small space they had. They hadn’t kissed since the hospital, and before then it had been weeks. Spencer never realised until then, how much he truly missed her touch, her taste, her as a whole.

Coming to a point where they both lacked breathe, the pair pulled apart. Their eyes fluttering open as Y/N’s hands caressed Spencer’s face. Her one hand travelled to his hair, feeling the tresses that had grown since she had last seen him. She looked at him in a way no one had before. Spencer shared the same expression.

“Happy six-month anniversary Spencer. I love you.”

Spencer looked at Y/N in disbelief.

“Before you start spouting of facts about transference and how I am probably only saying this because you saved my life, you’re wrong. Because then I would be telling Hotch and Morgan the same thing.”

Spencer couldn’t help the watery smile that graced his face. For the second time in the past day, his eyes filled with tears. But this time, they were good.

“I’ve known I have loved you for a long time. For five months actually. I knew I loved you when we made pizza in your apartment and we ended up burning it, so we ordered one instead.”

Spencer laughed at the memory. It was the first time Spencer had initiated their make out. He had watched her cooking, in his apartment, and he had never found her more attractive than he did seeing her in his home.

“I knew that whilst you were spouting of facts about the invention of the pizza that I loved you and that I could listen to you forever. I love you Spencer.”

Spencer pulled Y/N closer to him as he rested his forehead against her own. The pair basked in each other’s presence.

“Past surveys show that men wait just 88 days to say those three little words to their partner for the first time, and 39 percent say them within the first month. Women, on the other hand, take an average 134 days. You knew after 31 days that you loved me. I knew after our first date that the way I felt when I was with you is a feeling that I could not even describe with my vast vocabulary. I knew after 8 days that the way I felt was stronger than liking you and that was a frightening thought. But its scarier to think what could have happened to you yesterday. That I could have lost you without you ever knowing. I made that mistake before. I will never make it again. I love you too.”

Y/N couldn’t help the smile and giggle that overtook her. Spencer, feeling high of the serotonin that was coursing through his body, couldn’t help his laugh either. Soon the pair were a giggling mess, unaware of the team who had all begun to awaken whilst the pair were talking.

The team congregated to the back of the jet, allowing the couple to stay in their own bubble.

“It’s been a long time since we’ve seen him truly happy.”

The group nodded at Emily’s words.

JJ smiled as she watched her best friend rattle of the possible movies that he and his girlfriend could spend their anniversary watching as she recovered. Her smile growing even wider at Y/N’s enthusiasm to watch the film’s in their original language. None of them could miss the look of adoration beaming between the pair.

“Yeah, it really has.”

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. -Lao Tzu

A/N- It isn’t the best but I really enjoyed writing this one.

[thekillingjoke-haha]

YOU ARE WERE MINE

Summary: Sacrifices are often made for the ones we love....even if it might hurt.

Parings: Sam Winchester x Male!Reader, Hinted at Male!reader x John Winchester, and Sam Winchester x Unmentioned girls

Warning?: Bi Sam ,Dean still flirting with reader, No jess death for M/n, Reader is a hunter...and never told Sam, Yellow-eyes, mention(hint at) smut

Sam looked up at M/n with a smile he wore a sexy fireman outfit for the bar outing the yellow shirt looked like it was going to rip if the surprisingly taller male flexed a little too much the red suspenders held up loss fitting brown pants and a axe that leaned on the door frame. "Come on Babe dress up a little." He said tightening the suspenders straps.

"You know I don't like Halloween." Sam sighed as his boyfriend came up to him kissing his cheek with a mischievous smirk. "Too bad guess I can't give you your treat." The h/c man growled nipping his ear as he walked out of their shared bedroom. With a fake pout he chased after him. "If I put on a Halloween shirt will it pass?" He said hopefully putting his arms over M/n shoulder causing him to put his hands on his hips. "Hmmm....If I get to pick the shirt." Sam chuckled and nodded. He'll soon regret that.

Luis was loosing his shit laughing at the shit while M/n smiled proudly at what his boyfriend was wearing it was a plain dark gray t-shirt with the words 'Just the tip. I Promise.' And a knife. "This has to be your best work, N/n." Stephan, M/n best friend, said dressed as a cop high fives the awaiting hand.

M/n gave Sammy a small grin and winked causing him to blush slightly. It was time to celebrate with friends Sam's accomplishment he can wait later to celebrate with Sam his own way.

(Time skip past smexy times~might do it later)

M/n woke up in a empty bed to the sound of a fight he quickly got up in only his boxers to see what was wrong. He knew it was human since he had symbols all under wall paper and floor boards. Turning on the lights he sees Sam and a shorter man next to him "Sammy?" He said causing both of them to look over maybe he should have put on pants eyes raked down his form. "Woah. Hi I'm Dean Rapunzel's older brother. You must be his roommate..." The green eyed man bit his lip looking down south of the s/c man before him. "...I just love Scooby-Doo.~" Dean said keeping his gaze on the mystery machine briefs M/n was wearing. Sam quickly got between both of them pushing his brother back. "Dean this N/n my boyfriend" A confused look crossed his face. "Where's Jess you girlfriend?" He asked. "She was my roommate graduated a year ago and M/n moved in."

Dean looked back at M/n the flirtatious smirk back on his face. "You're way out of my brothers league." Sam put a around his boyfriends waist pulling him close. "Why are you here Dean?" There was a pause of silence. "Dad hasn't been home in a few days." The blonde said before it was shot down. "Let me rephrase. Dad's on a hunting trip and hasn't been home in a few days." With that Sam tensed up and looked over to M/n. "I'll be right back." His tone rushed as he peeked him in the cheek and left their shared apartment brother in tow.

Once the sound of their foot steps were heard going down the stairs M/n sighed his hand running through his bed head. "Fucking Winchester’s." He mumbled before going back up stairs going to his old room. M/n went to the closet moving boxes out of the way till he got to the duffel bag he was looking for. A burner phone weighed heavy in his hand as he wandered back to bed. "If he goes I go." He mumbled to himself looking at the mirror on the nightstand. M/n has been off and on with hunting ever since he started dating Sam and he knew who he was the moment his last name left his lips, but he only put on a smile and gave him his first and middle name since L/n were famous in the community.

Sam came back to the apartment and started to pack a bag. "Sam what's going on?" M/n said innocently as he watched more of his boyfriends clothes fill the bag. "Just going to help look for Dad. Probably just went out with a old friend and didn't bother to pick up." Sam zipped up the bag as he threw it over his shoulder. "You know what's Monday right?! You can't just not show up it's your dream on the line, Babe!" M/n stepped forward slowing down the rushed pace. "I know...you're right and I'll be back on Monday." We walked out of the building. "Promise to call me when you get there." The h/c man said hugging the long haired brunette close. "I promise." With a final kiss goodbye M/n waved him off before going inside. Time to jump back into the L/n family business. Pulling out the burner it rung as the first number was dialed. "I don't give a damn of you are the IRS or girl scouts selling fucking cookies it's one am you idjit!" The familiar voice rung out. "Good talking to you to Uncle Bobby." M/n chuckled and the older man's breath caught in his throat. "Well I'll be damned do my ears deceive me or is that little F/n all grown up?"

"Glad you didn't trash this number."

"What are you calling for boy its still 1am?" Bobby asked.

" I need to pick up my truck. I'm going hunting."

~~~~Time Skip~~~~

Sam sat in the motel room trying to call M/n, but he didn't pick up. If only he knew that right at that moment he was beheading a vampire while laughing like a sadistic prick. After cleaning the blood off and burning the barn that held the nest M/n tried calling back when it picked up he heard Sam's distressed voice. "M/n now is not a good time. I'm so cold hold me" A voice spoke over Sam's. "Who the hell was that?!" I heard a loud hissing noise. "Sam!" That's when a shotgun went off, glass shattered, and the lime went dead. M/n stood up and paced un his room it would be late before he got home he'll have to hall ass to get there before Sam.

Going out to the truck he opened the bed lifting the metal cover and false bottom loading the weapons. He had no time to drop it back off. The road was silent till a voice interrupted it. "Hello, handsome. What's the rush?" Almost swerving into a ditch M/n looked over and saw a man with graying blonde hair. Reaching for a weapon the man's eyes flashed yellow gazing at him. "I wouldn't do that if I were you." He snapped causing the h/c make to look straight and push hard into his seat. "You're the little Winchester’s boy toy. Well in two hours he'll be home and dead by the time you arrive." M/n's breath caught in his throat. "Liar. I'm not stupid every hunter has heard what happened to Mary it doesn't take a genius to see they weren't the only one's. You need him alive and well, so why are you hear?" He growled low in his throat as the demon chuckled. "Got me there. You see Sammy boy needs to get back in the life and you being, I don't know, alive is getting in the way." The pressure grew stronger on the restrained man's chest till he almost could feel his lungs squeeze. "But I'm a business man. You work for me you live and maybe see Sam again or die in a blaze and the last thing he sees is your burning corpse. Can't be a protective boyfriend if your dead."

"What will happen to me if I agree?" That's when a sick smile pulled on his lips. "You become a demon. No a demon doesn't possess you! You yourself become one you memories and personality intact. So deal?" He held his hand out to the s/c man as he sighed taking his eyes from the road. "Deal." The demons yellows eyes shined bright as he yanked the young man forward pressing their lips together sealing it. "You are mine." He growled possessively as M/n pulled out his phone and dialed Sam's number. It went to voice mail. "Hey Rapunzel. I want you to know...I love you. Hold on to that, never let that go. You mean the world to me...so once you figure out how to open you voice mail this is waiting for you."

Sam woke up from his nightmare of his burning apartment building. It been almost three years since then and he never gotten over it. It took a year to get to his messages and what M/ n left behind gave him more questions then answers. He couldn't even get into the apartment before the flames erupted. Sam had doubts about M/n in the fire, but after the police report was released only one casualty of M/n Middle/n. Dean tried to tell my it would at some point get better, but the guilt still felt heavy in his chest. Nightmares of M/n in the fire not in pain, but seeming to absorb the flames made him question what really happened. The brothers had a lead on yellow eyes that their dad led them to. It all seemed to convenient that after the fight he knew to much about the demon that pledged his nightmares. The warehouse was falling apart it was in shambles as Dean parked baby next to it. "Are you sure this is the place?" Sam asked his brother. "Dad said this was it. Load up." Dean got out the car popping the trunk. This didn't feel right.

Tied up, beaten, and tortured. The Winchesters look up at their own fathers face with those horrid yellow eyes. "You boys never questioned a thing didn't even hesitate to come inside!" He chuckled darkly as the surrounding demons grinned. "This would have been the part where I laugh at you kill you dragging your sorry souls to hell to be my toys for the next millennium, but I have something better!" Signature Winchester grin lifted his lips as he called out seeming to no one. "Oh, honey bear! Come say hi." The sound of a strong gust of wind came from behind them as the clack of well made dress shoes hit the shifty floor boards. A man wearing black dress pants, shoes, and a open f/c(not black) silk button up. His back was to the brothers as John lifted his head up to kiss the man's cheek. Turning around white eyes looked at them, but that face was unmistakably M/n's a scar on his brow but it was him. Sam was chocked up M/n was in front of him looking well and oh God he's with enemy that took their dad's body as a meat suit.

"Do you like him, Sammy? Hells best torturer!" John said running his hands over M/n as the man kept his gaze locked on the tallest Winchester analyzing him as he seethed with anger at the demon touched his boyfriend. "Oh the things he's done would make Lucifer blush." Yellow-eyes trailed his hand down the scarred chest biting his lip making Sam struggle more. Snapping his fingers the other demons took Dean, but Sam was left there. "You're not useful to me dead Sammy boi." The demon circled him. "What's the best kind of torture, love?" M/n seemed to move for the first time getting right in front of Sam dropping to his knees being face to face with him. Cupping the beaten cheek of the hunter in his s/c hand his white clouded orbs turned the lively e/c giving a sympathetic look before it switched off. "Physiological." Sam didn't notice the room shifted into their old apartment tears pooled in those e/c eyes. "Where were Sammy?" A hiccup in between silent cries ended the sentence as a scene played out of M/n on the phone trying to talk to Sam before it cut off. "I needed you!" A scene of M/n chained to a wall seeing figures of his past hurt him till he gave in. "You were mine. And you threw it all away, threw me away like garbage!" The images went to Sam being with girls, but he could see familiar h/c hair in the background.

Tears rolled down Sam's face as white eyes filled his vision the eyes he loved fading away. What felt like hours happened in only a few seconds and within those seconds Sam was broken. He buried his face into the palm still cupping his cheek. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry!' Sam would do anything for his M/n back even if it meant killing the monster his father has become. A gentle kiss stopped the trail of tears. "You are mine."

~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N: Quote= I love you. Hold on to that, never let that go. -The Vampire Diaries

Tagged: @spnquotebingo

First male reader it was fun.

[mallowstep]

(nature; nurture)

You know the truth of yourself in pieces.

* * *

You are three, sitting on your mother's lap.

"And you understand this is a life-long commitment?"

"Yes," she says.

"And Mothkit, Frogkit, and Hawkkit, do you want Feathertail to be your mother?"

"She is our mama," Hawkkit says, and the woman laughs.

"That settles it, then."

* * *

Growing up is not a balloon inflating, the way you once pictured it. It is a crab moulting over and over again, exposing its softest parts, in hopes it survives.

* * *

You are the first to go to kindergarten. Only by a few minutes, but still. That feels like it counts for something.

You kiss your mother's cheek, and then drop your bag. A man crouches down beside you. "And what's your name?"

"Mothkit!" you say, and he shows you where to put your bag. You glance back at your mother as you venture deeper into the classroom. She wipes a few tears from her eyes.

* * *

Unlike a crab, you cannot reabsorb what you lose. Your teeth are collected in a box, exchanged for a few quarters, occasionally a dollar. Your hair is swept up and thrown away. You go shopping, and now there are two sections you have to examine. One for you, one for your brothers.

* * *

Stormheart picks you up for school, and no one is waiting in the passenger seat. You all climb in, and you end up stuck in the middle.

"Where's Mama?" you ask.

"She's at home," Stormheart says. He glances back at you for a second, smiling. "She's just having a bad day."

You kick off your shoes at the door when you get home, dropping your bag on the kitchen table. Your brothers are slower, but you peek through the crack in her door before Stormheart catches up with you.

She's asleep, not facing you. Mistyfoot is on the other side of the bed, reading a book.

Stormheart scoops you up. "Come on, bug," he whispers. "Let's go play outside."

* * *

But your soft parts stay the same, just growing between each exchange. You ask her about your father many times, and her answers drift, circling around a truth you want her to finish. You slip into her room after having a nightmare, and find her sobbing. You make a family tree, and stare frustrated at the missing names.

* * *

You follow her out to the garden. Frogpaw spends more time out here than you do, but you're bored, and your mother is here, digging tiny troughs into the earth.

You cross your legs on the grass beside her. She smiles at you. "Are you going to stay out here?"

"Yeah."

"Do you want a hat?"

"No." The sun is warm, and you lean down, your elbows pressing into the dirt. "What are you planting?"

"Poppies," she says. "Do you want to help?"

You shake your head. Feathertail takes a handful of sandy dirt, and pours the bag of seeds onto it.

"Mama?" you ask, and she lifts her brow. "What's assault?"

Feathertail pauses what she's doing, and looks questioningly at you. "Where'd you hear that?"

"It was on a TV show." You fidget with blades of grass. "I wasn't really watching."

Feathertail sighs. "It's -- when you hurt someone," she says. "When you attack them."

* * *

But you are not a crab. You are a girl, and you are changing. Your father sends you a letter and asks you if you're a help to your mother. You grapple with the undeniable proof he's in prison, like she explained a year or two ago. You shoot up past your brothers over the summer, and have to buy new clothes. A new garment comes with it. Feathertail cleans a few things out of a room you can't think of as hers, and it becomes yours. Your soft parts move, find new places in need of protection.

* * *

Sometimes, you want to explain everything to Leafpaw, all in one breath. You want to say, My mother didn't give birth to me, but I know who did, and I was not wanted, except that I was, and my father believes I am capable of nothing, and my period has started, and I don't know what that means, and I think you are beautiful.

You don't say any of that.

* * *

But you are not a crab, so you find traces of your past exoskeletons, the ones that didn't fit. A shirt you wore five years ago. A diary you can barely understand. A folded piece of paper you do not open. They don't make sense with who you are, and yet, they are who you were.

* * *

Shadepelt teaches you how to use make up. Feathertail and Mistyfoot don't wear any, but she does, and she makes it look easy and fun and flawless.

It's much harder when you have to do it.

Hawkpaw and Stonefur arrive home when you are scrubbing it off in the bathroom downstairs. You don't come down here very often, and it is strange to think that this space is a part of your home.

When your face is clean, you trudge upstairs. The air is tense, Hawkpaw and Frogpaw staring across the kitchen table at each other, Feathertail watching them.

"I'm -- allowed to know," Hawkpaw says.

"What do you want to know?" Frogpaw says. "We know everything we need to."

"Maybe you do," Hawkpaw says.

You glance at Feathertail. Her back is to you.

You slide unnoticed into your room, and pull out the stack of letters from your father. You read them all once, exactly, and then add them to the stack you keep in your bottom desk drawer. There's no point in rereading them.

But you run your thumb over them, listening to the way the old, dried paper crinkles.

Frogpaw is asking the wrong question. It's why Hawkpaw wants to know that matters.

* * *

Freshman year draws to a close, and you think you are in your final moult. Leafpaw falls asleep on your shoulder on the way home from a field trip, and you hold hands as you wait to be picked up. You haven't outgrown any clothes in months, and your brothers are now taller than you. You look in the mirror, and realize this will always be the face that looks back at you.

* * *

There is always talk. You try to ignore the worst of it,

("Well, Hawkpaw is a creep," and, "I heard their mother doesn't love them," and, "Bet you can't wait to see your daddy,")

but that's easier said then done.

Leafpaw squeezes your hand. "They don't know what they're talking about," she says.

But they do. That's the problem. They're wrong, but they know what they're talking about.

A junior Mothpaw doesn't know sits beside her at lunch, in Leafpaw's space.

"You should move," Squirrelpaw says.

"No one's sitting here."

"Someone will be."

True to form, as soon as Leafpaw bursts into the cafeteria, she forces herself between Mothpaw and the junior.

The junior rolls her eyes. "I was wondering," she begins, "how you feel about the death penalty."

* * *

There are still old memories you revisit. Feathertail is hospitalized for the third time you can remember, and you log your hours for drivers' ed as you practice making the trip back and forth.

* * *

On Halloween, you take the bucket of candy Feathertail gave the three of you to share and sit on the back porch. Frogpaw and Hawkpaw keep stuffing their faces long after you've finished, and you feel like you're witnessing something obscene.

"I did some math," Frogpaw says. "We were born a month early." He throws a candy bar up, and it lands on his stomach. "Means we were conceived around New Years."

He throws the bar up again, and this time it lands in his hands.

"You ever want to throw a party? Just one. Make a bunch of food for dinner and sit around the table and call all the different dishes courses?"

"What the hell are you saying?" Hawkpaw asks.

"I think i'm just saying something," Frogpaw says. "I think I'm just hoping if I say enough things, I'll find the right thing to say.

* * *

You get your license. It says your name on the card, Mothpaw, daughter of Feathertail, and ask for permission to drive the car.

You don't have a plan for where you're going, and you end up in front of a cathedral.

* * *

The stress of junior year threatens to break you. College applications loom, your classes grow teeth, and you start to bicker with Leafpaw over petty things.

You read over the essay requirement for colleges, and think about what kind of essay you could write. Because there's really only one story worth telling, and it feels wrong, to type out all of your family to a stranger.

It makes you glad you started early. "My mother was fourteen when we were born," you write, and then scratch out. "My father is alive. We know who the other is. I've never met him," you write, and then erase. "I don't know who I am," you write, and then you keep writing.

* * *

At some point, you decide you don't believe. But. You keep coming back. There is something reassuring in routine. Your family doesn't ask where you are going, and you don't volunteer it. Sunday morning. There's some kind of peace, in having the time to sit and think and be.

* * *

"I think I've messed everything up," Leafpaw says. "I've gone about this all the wrong way, and now, everything is terrible, and this is all my fault, Mothpaw, I'm sorry-"

You kiss her, and then lean your forehead against hers. "We're both at fault," you say. "Besides. Maybe the honeymoon is over. We've got lives to attend."

And Leafpaw, inextricably, is part of that life. You can think of the essays you would've written about her. How her hair looks brown until it catches the sun, and then it shines like red glass. How she stomps when she is excited. How she links arms with you and says you're going shopping until you find your family Christmas gifts.

* * *

They invite you to a class, but it feels strange, knowing you don't believe. How do you say, I am here, and I am not, and I don't think you'd really want me.

You don't. You kneel down and offer a prayer to a god you don't believe in. Maybe it will catch.

* * *

Feathertail listens to you practice your speech.

"I'm so proud of you," she says. "You know that, right?"

You nod. She tells you this often, but something about her tone makes your throat catch. You've outgrown the days when Feathertail's arms could surround you, but even so, you start to cry when she hugs you.

"I love you," you say.

"I love you too," she says. She settles back onto the couch, wrapping her hands around a mug of tea.

This is the truth of who you are. This is what you will always fail to capture. How can you describe how the light streams inside at an angle that you've always known, one that makes the dust swirl through it? How can you describe the books on the coffee table, how each book has been read and loved, not merely thrown there for decoration? How can you describe yourself in any way but being there?

* * *

You meet your father's eyes. You know them. You have seen them in the mirror.

* * *

You hold your diploma in one hand, stopping for a photo. You were the first to enter kindergarten, you were the last to leave high school.

The excited chatter in the air is a reminder of what this day is. You have all bought your final yearbooks, signed names and numbers you won't remember in a few months. You're in it a few times -- Feathertail and Leafpaw delighted in hunting for your every appearance -- and you think, maybe it is okay if you are pieces.

There is something whole and solid that is made of them.

[florenceisfalling]

Idk bestie I'm going cemetery hopping this halloween to work on my spirit communication so I think the Why could just be 'humans forgot what fear was and are stupid' <3

ooh good for you! thats very true also

but there is also the question of how the fuck did they Get In. assuming this is a Big Spooky asylum etc etc there is a certain level of security involved, bc aside from 2 particular characters (which i will discuss later) no one really gets out of the building.

there are options! for example

you can get in, you just can't get out - you can get through a particular door pretty easily, but it doesnt go both ways. still begs the question of Do You Are Have Stupid? that we are asking every horror protag ever. and also why the authorities have done nothing about all the dead people!

the nurses and doctors are still alive, they just suck - you roll up to the place as youre being involuntarily committed. it seems like a professional, albeit unkind and uncomfortable situation. it becomes increasingly apparent that they are definitely doing some unethical shit, but theyre gaslighting you about it. you wonder if maybe you really Are just crazy and maybe the part of the building they tell you not to go near is actually just under construction or something, until some dude fuckin crawls through your vents and tells you to "follow me for a way out :)" thus taking you to the section of the facilities where they apparently just locked up and closed off anyone they could not deal with as a conspiracy cover up. fun, but reduces how much physical space i have to work with here.

the people taking you just don't have a clue - whoever is transferring you came on a week-long trip by car for some reason, and the asylum was totally just The Normal Amount Of Unethical when they left the place, but when you show up with them theyre immediately slaughtered and you get the "follow me :)" treatment which reveals that over the past seven days it has descended into a complete nightmare. only works once, though, doesnt account for a Bunch Of Visitors over time.

this is the apocalypse and you saw the asylum and thought it was just a good building to stay - combined with 1, not bad actually. but what kind of apocalypse?

you Are the authorities and thus the one investigating the dead bodies n shit - assumes you guys have actual responsibility which would never happen. story is better if you dont have a gun on you too

the authorities just dont give a shit abt the dead people etc etc and you are actually just there bc google maps fucked up your directions on the way to a halloween haunt so you instead accidentally ended up at a Real life or death situation: funniest option