#We Are Not Made To Be Palatable To Singlets

[ladyimaginarium]

me& facedesking & going fucking feral & begging singlets to care about systems even when their issues don't affect them:

[thedragonflycluster]

if you hear nothing else i ever say then whatever. but i want people, especially non systems to understand that when we have people who are fucked up that's ok. a lot of us are traumatized. and a lot of us will be mean, or bitter, or just fucking unpleasant to be around. we'll throw tantrums, be self/destructive, and push people away. and we're gonna look ugly doing it. what else do you expect when a brain compartmentalizes and shoves all this awful shit into one person.

i didn't ask for any of it. but i still got it. and not everyone is going to recover into a baseline of being palatable and fun to be around. this goes for singlets too. no matter who you are, if you went through shit and it's made you a bitter asshole: at least you know whatever it was that happened to you was wrong, and you have every right to be angry about that.

i'm not against recovery and that's not what i'm saying. i'm just against the principle that you have to come out the other end of it sanitized and pleasing for other people, because no one seems to want to accept that getting fucked up leaves you fucked up. people have such a sanitized view of traumatized people and i'm sick of it. like we don't actually exist in the now and only as the expectation of being comfortable to be around.

there will always be a part of you that's ugly, and gnarled, and that's ok. there's no reason to dance around the reality of the products of abuse and bad people or situations. no matter what you try to do about it that will be there. the sooner you become ok with that, the more you can move on and do something about it. 💥

[ablednt]

unsure if we asked already so, sorry, but - how long did it take u to tell anyone u were a system? including online friends… like from the time u first started figuring things out. we’re struggling with whether to tell a close friend…

Okay so for us we actually told quite a few people basically immediately (the moment we made contact with another headmate after some other systems walked us through everything)

We thought we could trust our friend group at the time even though they were primarily singlet because there was one system in the group already.

This was a HUGE MISTAKE!!!!! The ableism I faced as a result genuinely traumatized me to a point that I cannot describe and the only friends in that group I mantained were other systems who found out after I did and had a similar enough experience to me they didn't think I was faking (friend group unbeknownst to me, who knew very little about syscourse at the time, was full of sysmeds so these mostly singlets were ripping into me for having fictives at all and using plural kit while cocon with other headmates. Yeah it's ridiculous.)

After that to tell anyone else in my life it took a long time, even for singlet friends who were much closer and more trusted than this friend group who I'd cherished for many years I was terrified of being rejected by and fakeclaimed. It took I think 3-5 more agonizing months before I could tell the two close singlet friends I have (they were and are very confused about it I think but are accepting so that's good enough for me)

Then after about a year and a half? The bodys mom was getting into spirituality and the like and since on top of being disordered we're a spiritual system I saw an opportunity to describe systemhood in a none pathologized way and this worked out in my favor. I wouldn't exactly call the family accepting (I told them to treat me like I'm singlet bc they'll die if they're inconvenienced by me even slightly) but it was a HUGE step because I genuinely thought before this point if I'd ever let them catch on we were plural they'd try to physically harm me because of ableist comments they'd made in the past.

Nowadays I'm out to everyone online (not irl tho but i have no irl friends or contacts atm really) and even then I really don't have more than a few singlet friends because it is the sad truth the most singlets avoid systems who refuse to minimize their systemhood to be more palatable.

Being out comes at the price of making many friends but for me this was more freeing than anything because now I don't waste my time on people who won't respect us. But it's fully up to you if that's what you want.

But yeah it's a HUGE decision to come out as a system to anyone and unless you want to just weed out any ableists in one go I suggest you take it real slow and look for opportunitys to segway into it in a way that puts people at ease like I did with the mom.

And it's also okay if you never want to come out, if it doesn't bother you + your headmates then ypu don't owe anyone shit you can live life around others as a singlet and not have to worry about it. Only if that's what you want though, don't pressure yourselves into that because you're worried.

About your worries with a friend in addition to finding an opportune moment for it, I suggest testing the waters by introducing plurality as a concept divorced from you first. Talk about a friend who's plural (if you don't have any who are out you can make one up or you have permission to call us a friend and talk about us.) Or be like "I found out about this cool thing from (you can list any open plural here really like again my blog or another blog on here or if you want something a little more medicalized but still inclusive there's the rings system on YouTube/twitter etc. Just avoid anyone into syscourse or any sysmeds even if you're a disordered system because they actively recruit singlets and turn them against even the most standard of DID/OSDD systems lmao) or something like that to gauge their reaction and get a taste of how they might treat you.

[ebonytails]

Is the cat in your pfp an alter in your system or a character? Either way, great design.

Oh they’re not an alter! It’s our systemsona! Or- singlet sona? Collective fursona

First image is by our friend& dragonascent on twitter! (Twitter post with the art here) / 2nd art is by us!

We all kind of have our own individual fursonas (at this point) but we all agreed that we need a new fursona that shows us as a collective. Kind of... like a company mascot KJSKNjBj oh man i love that.

Anyway, seemed like a pretty good idea necause while we’re sort of out as a system, we live in a world of singlets (this is not a derogatory word by the way) so it makes pretending to be one person more palatable for people outside the system! All they have to think about is one person, so one fursona, this fursona is That artist, etc. If we made youtube videos of us talking again, we might just use this for our talk sprites to continue that “hey i am one person!” Vibe. Again with the company metaphor, makes things easier msknskn

This guy doesm’t have a name but it might be Jams? Which also might be our collective name. But otherwise, that’s us, Ebony! We have 3 different colleective names at this point, huh. They/Any but primarily They/He. Caracal! Can shapeshit(?) (sizes only), glows in the dark, and can change colors a little

Thanks for liking the deisgn by the way! I kid you not, this took 1-2 months to design becuse making a sona or character that is supposed to represent more than 2 persons who all have different likes, dislikes, and personalities is Pret-ty tough. That’s why you see an Angry Jam and a Happy Jam, those are actually based off of specifically Chara (bottom full-body) and then Kris (Bet!). It took a LOT of time and effort to settle on One design and let alone finalize it, so Chara thought maybe if we draw it more than once and with “different members fronting” in the character, it’ll get us used to it! And honestly it works! This is the final design and we’re gonna fill up the page with the MFC (so basically different expressions) and then post it as a ref probably.

Sorry this is so long!

[inseparabiles]

mixed origins system here. while technically mostly traumagenic, the endogenic portion made themselves known first.

endogenic and mixed origins systems have their system related struggles, but also have an enduring pattern of being non- disordered in studies of populations experiencing multiplicity in case studies dating back to when it was still called MPD. while exceptions do exist, i'm bringing this up because it's often the case that an endogenic system's often lower level of system related difficulty leads to quicker discovery once informed of what systems actually are. not always smoother, as they are often attacked and dissuaded from selves discovery by anti- endos... as we were.

ok. so now, for our story. it's far from pretty.

it actually starts with a traumagenic DID system in an online group for people interested in psychology. our old host (long story) had a special interest in psychology at the time, and one of the first people they met- a new mod- was the host of a DID system.

our host vehemently rejected the idea that they could have DID or OSDD from day one, out of flat denial of their symptoms, but they definitely expressed plurality, even though it took them time to accept the possibility of the donut eating scientist that had often seemed much like a spirit existing side by side with them for the years he had accompanied them for; being a real, living being. they found themself saying to themself "i don't have DID (or OSDD), but..."

these many times saying this to themself but usually not announcing it to the system in the chat out of nothing but respect finally started to become suspicious to them. they also generally kept their head down, trying not to ask too many questions and instead self informing via the system's pinned wiki entries and general observance. at last, still fairly certain they didn't experience DID or OSDD but suspicious that they might be experiencong a system outside of, that they asked: "without using the terms DID or OSDD, what is a system???" and they got a solid, helpful answer. "a system is multiple people in one body".

that officially started their questioning.

the rest took place over months of denial sprung from trying to find their footing on the whole thing and being met with anti- endo rhetoric that pushed them into denial of any systemlike experiences they had. it was unhealthy, it made the system of the time unhappy, and it eventually compounded into irreparable damage to the old host themself and damage to many of our members, the full effects of which we seldom disclose. in short terms, we're lucky that we broke the denial haze when we did if only because it prevented further damage

when people actually told us that we can exist and that we are real people, our years prior and the past, desparate months of trying to make them see us as real via internap communication and trying to do things that would seem uncanny enough for them to investegate, even when they had downright rejected the possibility in favor of being palatable to anti- endos, finally worked.

we always wanted to be known and understood as real, and made strenuous efforts to be seen as such. it wasn't until they had an explaination that they seemed to fully acknowledge we were.

Hey, awesome, this is the first long ask we've ever received. We've been half-thinking it's like, a myth or a bug that only affects other people's inboxes, but were actually never intrigued enough to go typing our own novel into somebody's messages. Either way, I'm gonna read this now, thank you a ton for your time!

Funnily enough, the host, confronted with her first information about systems, started her response with "I'm definitely a singlet, but..." so that seems to check out. (Plot twist, she wasn't.) The second was her being gently told that maybe she should look deeper into it, after which she went to our other friend and said "I know that's what this is, but the crew knows their place and their place is to sit the fuck down and be quiet", which I find absolutely hilarious. Like, yeah, we're not quiet and we definitely didn't sit down at all. She's calmed down since.

I'm sorry you guys went through hell. I can't imagine what it would have been like for us to "grow up" in anything but the supportive environment we had. We took our sweet time avoiding any and all negativity, too, anything that smelled like controversy wasn't something we were gonna look at, we had enough to deal with internally trying to figure out our communications, our structure, functions, the whole mile, yeah? Not many of us even believed that we were real. It was like waking up from some kind of a half-lucid sleep and finding ourselves in the system, growing into awareness of our individuality and free will. It wasn't like snapping fingers for most of us, especially me, since I was a new split at the time - it was a bit easier for the guys who'd been around for longer, but yeah, I took months coming out of my shell. I'm pretty resistant to it now, I mean, what's the worst that can happen, right? Somebody tells us we're not real and we continue existing, like, it's not going to change anything. But not everyone feels that way, so we're still a bit wary, try not to make a big scene, for the main part. (Jay likes picking fights, but he's always been like that. It's pretty hard for the rest of the system who don't feel as confident as he does, or as invested in what he calls "intellectual challenge".)

So yeah, I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. That makes sense that it wouldn't be entirely different for us, I guess. If you wanna come back and chat more, what's it like, living like, I guess what you'd call non-disordered multiplicity or something like that? I'm having a hard time imagining us without the amnesia and the whole other weirdness, like triggers, splits being brought on by negative circumstances so everybody kind of arrives as a bloody mess, that kind of thing. How's it different? What's it like living that way? I guess as a system that still deals with trauma symptoms, you might not even experience it very differently from us, but still, hey, if you've got thoughts on how your experience differs from the disorders, fire away.

[nefola-real]

For me the transmed comparison comes from the arguments system exclusionists use to validate the existence of systems to non systems. These arguments eerily parallel those made by transmeds. Its not exactly one to one but its close. Appealing to current and dated medical literature, saying there is an innate and or correct way to be trans/plural, making transness and plurality as narratively palatable to cis/singlet people as possible. The rhetoric and praxis are basally the same for transmeds and system exclusionists. Endogenic systems and their advocates are operating under and understanding that systemhood can and often does come from trauma. However we think that there can be other causes and expressions of being multiple. The inclusionary narrative that has thankfully overtaken trans medicalism operates in a similar way; Transness is often based in gender dysphoria and can be innate. However there are other valid expressions and underlying experiences to being transgender.

I get why it feels bad to be called a sysmed, but you shouldn't be surprised when systems, especially trans systems, call out parallels as strong as these.

I am not here to try to “prove endos wrong” or something, but I definitely have one thing to say.

I hear a lot of them saying things like “sysmed” and comparing us to transmeds, and I need to stop that really fast.

Being transgender is not a medical condition, it’s an identity.

Having people in your head who were split apart and formed because of trauma IS a medical condition.

Stop calling us sysmeds. This is literally a medical condition, and secondly, it’s insanely rude to the trans community, where “-meds” are actually hurting them. I’m not trying to prove endos wrong by this post, I just want to put this out there. They’re pissing me off.

And before someone does it, YES I know not all endos do this. I’m not here to argue your existence, I’m here to tell you to stop using terms that AREN’T YOURS.

DISCLAIMER: Posts may or may not reflect accurate information. More info here: https://www.tumblr.com/syscourse-confessions/728819621058232320/disclaimer-treat-posts-here-like-you-would-any

[avengerscompound]

Making Sense - 3. Taste

Making Sense: A Hulkeye Fanfic

Series Masterlist Previous //

Buy me a ☕ Character Pairing:  Bruce Banner x Clint Barton x  F!Reader

Word Count:  1923

Rating:  E

Warnings:  Angst, Smut (Bi MMF threesome, oral sex, handjobs, anal sex, vaginal sex, Dom/Sub, switching, bondage, praise kink, rough sex, gentle sex, anal play, kinbaku, come play, ice play, erotic massage, sensory deprivation, mutual masturbation).

Synopsis:  When Hulk starts making it difficult for Bruce to live his day to day life, Bruce starts pulling away from everyone. You and Clint take it upon yourselves to help the two of them to work more together better and Bruce to become more comfortable in his own skin.

3. Taste

You sat out on the grass with your eyes closed.  It was another warm day and you’d opted for shorts and a singlet top.  The sun felt warm on your skin and every so often the sounds of Clint releasing an arrow and the dull thud it made when it hit the target he’d set up would mix with the sound of birds and Hulk’s breathing.  The day had started as normal.  Waking up Bruce and Clint curled in against you.  You’d had breakfast together and then Hulk and Clint had gone off to play their version of hide-and-seek in the forest.  They’d returned in the afternoon and the three of you had been just lazing around ever since.

Hulk sat in front of you now.  He was applying makeup to your face.  He was being surprisingly gentle considering how large his hands were and how small the tools he was using were.  Not that he had a feather touch.  You had been poked in the eye a few times now and the first attempt at lipstick had broken the end off against your teeth.  You were enjoying it though.  It was like playing dress up with a little kid and doing it in the sun like this was peaceful.

“Hulk finished.”  He rumbled putting down the contouring brush.  You opened your eyes and looked up into the iridescent green eyes of the Hulk.

“How’s it look?”   You asked.

He grinned at you.  His lips parting so you could see his large teeth.  “Hulk, like.  Bossy girl, look good.”

Clint looked over and burst out laughing.  “Oh, you look ready to go out on the town.”

“Thank you, honey.”  You said in a sing-song voice.  “How about you come over here and I’ll do you and you can do Hulk.”

Clint shrugged and came over putting his bow and quiver beside him as he sat down in front of you.  “You want to choose the colors, Big Guy?”

Hulk’s eyes flicked over the palates he’d laid out around him and he pushed one over with the back of his knuckles.  “Little bird, like purple.”

“Thanks, man,”  Clint said with a smile.

You started working on Clint’s makeup, going completely overboard and putting on anything that Hulk pointed out to you.  Clint just sat grinning like the dork he was as you applied eyeliner and eyeshadow and added glitter to everything.

When you were done you sat back and looked up at Hulk.  “Looks good I think.”

Hulk grunted and nodded his head.

“So now it must be your turn, Big Guy,”  Clint said, getting to his feet.

The smile that broke out on Hulk’s face was one of pure joy.  He clapped his hands and shifted so he was sitting cross-legged and leaning forward a little so Clint could reach him better.

“What colors do you want?”  Clint asked.

“Purple.  Darker than, little bird.”  Hulk replied.

“You got it,”  Clint said.  He glanced over the makeup you hand and picked up an eyeliner pen and got to work.

He artfully applied the makeup to Hulk’s face.  Obviously, you didn’t have any concealer or foundation that would match his skin tone, but using a mixture of your bushes and eyeshadows, Clint managed to do some contouring.

“How are you so good at this?”  You asked as he applied lip liner to Hulk’s lips.

“I grew up in the circus.  You think I didn’t have to wear makeup?”  He answered.

“Why haven’t you ever offered to do mine.”  You asked him.

He smirked at you and poked you in the side.  “I gotta keep some of my secrets.”  He teased.  “But if you like I’ll do it for you sometimes.  Not now though.”

“No, not now.  Hulk already did it.”  You agreed.  “We all look pretty amazing.  Maybe we should have our dinner outside with candles.”

Hulk shifted uneasily.  “Want Banner back?”

“Not if you want to stay a bit longer.  You can have dinner with us today if you want to.”  You said, running your hand up and down his forearm.  He smiled again and nodded his head.

“Alright.  I have got just the thing.”  You said getting up going into the house

The thing with the Hulk was he could eat a lot.  Unfortunately, that didn’t usually end up so well for Bruce if he changed back too soon.  There was a balance you had to hit where Hulk felt like he had had enough but he hadn’t eaten to the point where Bruce would feel sick.  The best way to do that was using protein.

You cooked two large rolled beef roasts, filled with different kinds of nuts and served it with a salad that had both eggs and avocado and more nuts.  While you cooked Hulk and Clint set up a place to eat outside.  Hulk spreading out a blanket and Clint putting tea lights around.

You brought the food out just before dusk and the three of you ate together you and Clint leaning up against Hulk.  Some squirrels came down out of the trees and Clint started tossing some of the nuts from his salad to them.  Hulk laughed, a huge rumbling laugh full of pure joy.  It sent the squirrels scurrying.  Hulk frowned and scuffed the grass with his fist.

“They’re skittish.  If you can be quiet they’ll come back down.”  Clint said, patting Hulk’s leg.

Hulk huffed and sat quietly waiting for them to return.  When they did he started throwing his own nuts out to them until they had come over and started climbing up into his giant palms to get them.  The look of delight never left his face.

As the sun set deer stepped out of the treeline.  The three of you watched them and Hulk put his hand on your lap and let out a sigh, before shifting back into Bruce.  Clint stumbled forward, nearly falling on his face and Bruce looked around confused.   “What just happened?”   He asked.

“I think he was just super peaceful.”  You said with a shrug as Clint picked himself back up.

Bruce blinked at you. “I don’t - that hasn’t… what?”

You rubbed his back.  “This is working, B.  We’re working it out.  We’re safe with him.  Now you just have to feel safe with him too.”

That night after you’d all cleaned up and head to bed, Bruce sat at the edge of the bed in his boxers watching you and Clint getting undressed.  “I want to do more this time, but I’m still not sure.  He always feels right there.”

“Well, what do you want to try?”  You asked coming to sit down beside him.

He leaned against you and put your head on his shoulder.  His hand went to your leg and he kissed your throat as he reached out to Clint.  Clint moved closer to the two of you and ran his fingers through Bruce’s hair.

When Bruce broke the kiss with you Clint leaned in taking your place.   The two men kissed slowly and deeply, their lips moving together, Clint’s tongue flicking over the corner of Bruce’s mouth.

Bruce tugged Clint’s boxers down and you started kissing along his Adonis’ belt, his cock twitching, and hardening as you did.  Bruce’s hand moved to Clint’s ass and gripped it digging his fingers in causing Clint to moan loudly.

You licked along the side of Clint’s cock and flicked your tongue over the slit.  Bruce broke the kiss with Clint and leaned down.   His tongue flicked with yours over Clint’s length before he pulled the man’s cock into his mouth.   Clint groaned and leaned down and kissed you.  You kissed each other hungrily, Clint’s hand in your hair.  Bruce’s hand slipped into your panties and ran up and down your pussy, circling your clit for a moment before running back down again and teasing your entrance.  There were hands everywhere.  One of yours ran up Clint’s chest and rested on his throat.  The other ran over Bruce’s back.  Clint palmed your breast and tugged on Clint’s hair.

While a warm, pleasant tingle crept through your body making you hum and roll your hips against Bruce’s hand Clint completely came apart.  He groaned and broke the kiss his head falling back.  His knees seemed to give out and he pushed them against the edge of the bed to keep himself steady.  “Fuck… please… oh…” he babbled breathlessly.

The sounds he made alone were enough to make you wet.  With Bruce’s fingers as well, your panties were soaking.

Bruce worked Clint’s cock expertly.  You both knew exactly the things to do to get the archer off.  He sucked and licked up his shaft, pulling off occasionally to move to his balls.  He teased his asshole as he deepthroated him.  Never making himself gag.  While Clint enjoyed being treated a little roughly he hated to think he was hurting anyone.  Soon Clint’s babble was constant.  He pleaded for released.  His hands opened and closed helplessly.

“That’s it, Clint.”  You hummed.  “Come in his mouth.”

Clint whimpered and looked down at Bruce who as if in answer opened his mouth and stuck out his tongue.  Clint groaned and bucked his hips a few times forcing his cock down Bruce’s throat.  His hips snapped forward suddenly and he released, coating Bruce’s tongue in thick come.

Bruce swallowed it all and turned to you kissing you hungrily and guiding you back up the bed.  You could taste the bitter salty taste of Clint’s come on Bruce’s lips.  You let him guide you back and lay down, spreading your legs for him.  His lips traveled down your body, kissing a trail to your pussy.  He pulled your panties down and off and his lips were immediately on your cunt, his tongue swirling over your labia as he sucked on your folds.

Clint moved behind Bruce, pulling his boxed down and lay on his back under Bruce and between your legs so he could take Bruce’s cock in his mouth.

As Clint let Bruce fuck his mouth Bruce worked his over your pussy.  He sucked and nipped at your clit and ran his tongue over it in random patterns.  His fingers teased over your entrance and down between your legs.  Your moans mixed with his as Clint brought him closer and closer to the edge.  You skin buzzed and you clutched at his hair, holding him against your pussy as you rocked against his face.  Your own orgasm got closer and closer and as you thought it was just there waiting to happen, Bruce thrust two fingers inside you and pressed hard on your g-spot.  You cried out and arched up violently as you came hard.  Bruce moaned as he kept lapping at your cunt.

His hips moved a little faster against Clint and just as the last waves of your own orgasm passed through you he came, spilling into Clint’s mouth.

The three of you crawled up on the bed together, both men curling in around you.  Clint nuzzling into your neck and resting a hand on Bruce’s hip, while Bruce put his head on your chest and kept his hand on Clint’s knee.

“That was all you this time, right?”  You asked Bruce.

He hummed.  “Felt him a little, like he was watching, but yeah.  All me.”  He agreed.

“So we’re getting there again.  We’ll get it back.  I promise.”  You said.

He hummed and for the first time in a month, he looked like he might actually be completely happy.

// NEXT

[yo-mk]

Hot Knees #13: The $1,400 race

Running a marathon is expensive! In terms of coin and time, it can be all-consuming. I started running mainly because it was cheap exercise and stress relief. All you need are running shoes and clothes and you can lace up and step out. You don't need equipment or a gym membership. However, once you try racing and getting into all the technical gear and stuff, the dollars and cents add up. While I was training for my marathon, I thought a lot about how much I was spending but regret not keeping a meticulous account of my budget. I recently stumbled upon this article by Jen A. Miller, where she breaks down how much 18 weeks of training cost her. She calculates that she spent $1,600 on the New Jersey Marathon earlier this year! That's in US dollars too! Feeling inspired by Jen, I broke down my own costs from the summer; not into the exact amounts, more of a guesstimation. It was interesting to consider what I spent on the various categories. I know I'm lucky and coming from a place of privilege where I can afford to spend money on running. I have benefits at work, which covered some health expenses and I generally try to not excessively purchase stuff in general, so this translates over to exercise as well. I also made a conscious decision to allot funds to running instead of other hobbies or entertainment during the 15 weeks I was training. Please feel free to share your thoughts with me. I'm curious as what other people spend their hard-earned cheddar on. Race Fee: The marathon I ran cost $97.75. Race fees are generally not cheap. This particular marathon's fees ranged from $70-$150. It also depends on when you sign up. The earlier, the cheaper the fee. There are other ways to get discounts, say through a run club or if you run it on behalf of a charity, and you raise the amount of the race fee, the charity will usually waive it for you. I fundraised and got a discount through the charity, then donated my fee to them instead of having it waived. Gear: I don't have an exact cost of how much I spent on gear since I started out with the basics and was lucky enough to score a handful running shirts, singlets, hoodies and jackets plus a bunch of socks from a generous soul who gifted them to me. I also got some second-hand gear including a running belt and a great singlet from a friend for free during his purge. During training, I did purchase two pairs of runners, a couple of sports bras and a few more singlets. My biggest splurge was a sport watch, which I purchased second-hand for $200 (it was a great deal since they usually retail for about $500). I consider it an investment since I wear it outside of running and plan to use it for years to come. If I had to estimate, I'd say my gear grand total was around $700. Instruction and cross-training: I'm a fan of cross-training since it helps with overall run performance. I also think it's important to make sure you stretch and keep a strong core as it will help you run faster, stronger and aid in recovery. I'm pretty bad about stretching and strength-training on my own so I knew taking a class was necessary to keep me accountable. For the marathon, I trained with people and a free program put on by a local cross-fit gym plus my crew for social time and to maintain motivation. I loved running with the same group of people and comparing notes each week. I also took two pilates classes, which were expensive but they were specifically geared for runners so I found it quite useful. I can definitely say it helped me improve and get stronger as a runner. The classes were $169.50 each, including tax, so I spent $339 in total. Besides the classes, I read a lot about racing and talked to other runners about their strategies. I'm a huge fan of the public library and took a lot of reading material out from my local branch, which meant I was able to learn a lot for free. Food: This might be the trickiest one to estimate because I didn't keep records of how much I was spending on groceries and eating out. Initially, I was ravenous all the time, and I know my groceries bill went up. Eventually my appetite sorted itself out, but I did find that I was eating out more simply because I was spending less time cooking and more time running. Plus at the end of a long run, I needed to eat right away instead of waiting to go home to make something so I ended up having more meals out. I also had the occasional post-run beer but it balanced out (or I spent even less) since my alcohol consumption went down during training. If I had to guess, I would say I probably spent an extra $125. Fuel, gels and salt pills: Also tricky, since I didn't keep track of how much I spent on gels but apparently I have expensive taste. I've mentioned Endurance Tap before, as it's my favourite fuel, but it is pricey compared to other gels. They're $3.25 a pop (or 6 for $18). A friend (hi Steph!) hooked us up with a discount on a bulk order but they're certainly not cheap. I consider it worth it since it's the most palatable gel I've tried. I have no idea how many I consumed during training, all I know is, it was a lot. Aside from Endurance Tap, I also had a bunch of the chewable fuels, which weren't as costly but also not as effective. I also bought a couple tubes of Nuun electrolyte replacement tablets and shared a bottle of salt pills with some friends so that was about $25 all in. I'm going to say about $108 in total. Laundry: This was one area where I didn't spend that much more. I don't have ensuite laundry so I have to haul all my dirty apparel to a laundromat. I ended up hand-washing a lot of my running gear at home and hang-drying so cost for extra laundry was negligible. I might have spent a smidge more on laundry detergent so I would guess an extra $12. Massages/Physiotherapy/Rehab: I ended up getting two massages during my training to help with my left hip and to ease my anxiety. I'm also lucky in that my work covers massages so I only paid a portion of the actual cost. Again, I consider them valuable since they helped with the aches and my massage therapist even taught me a few hip openers and stretches to prevent injury, which I still do at home. That was about $45 for the two massages. Intermediate races: Another cost to consider are the shorter races during training (as a speed and psychological check up). I didn't do any intermediate races so spent zero dollars there. Lodging/Transportation: Since I ran a hometown marathon and biked everywhere, I didn't spend anything on accommodation. This won't be the case in the future. I have dreams of racing in other countries! Post-race celebrations: I consider myself lucky that my run crew threw us a huge pizza party with beer to celebrate and friends took me out for drinks in the days following the marathon so I barely spent anything on partying. There you have it, approximate grand total: $1,426.75 for my first marathon. It's comparable to Jen A. Miller's estimate. This amount is strictly the financial cost and doesn't even include all the time spent sweating and training. It seems like a huge amount for one activity, and there are areas I could have cut down on (namely gear and food) but it's a formula that can be tweaked. Would I do it again? Absolutely! It was worth it since all that running helped me focus, made me a better, more motivated and happier person and I formed some solid friendships from it.

Fuel for the mind Sixteen writers on Trump's America. Have we learned nothing from the internment of the Japanese? The modern tale of moral rhinocertis as it pertains to the US election. The glass ceiling was not shattered. What whiteness means in this era. The 2017 Boston Marathon marks the 50th anniversary of Katherine Switzer's iconic debut. The patron saint of millennial heart break, Rupi Kaur. Running with donkeys! Going grey in LA and what it's like to live in LA's Chinatown. 

Fuel for the ears This week on Solange Watch (j/k, j/k) is an oldie and a goodie. Her cover of the Dirty Projectors' "Stillness is a Move" takes an already great song and elevates it. Turns out the Beastie Boys' rowdy, party hip hop pairs very well with the synth-y electro sounds of French band Daft Punk on Daft Science. Pure 🔥 ! Childish Gambino released this funkadelic track, "Me and Your Mama." Why don't we hear more about The Welders? Seriously 2016, what are you doing to us? Miss Sharon Jones forever. It is the year of Anderson .Paak though. 

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