#Watanuki is still alone - and now more alone than before

[completeoveranalysis]

[3]

The details seem slightly muddy here too. The wording makes it sound like her time was stopped on purpose for the sake of preserving the two futures, when Tsubasa describes it as a half-conscious thought that was unfortunately so powerful it stopped time and cracked reality.

I suppose if you read it sideways you could read “It was for the sake of two worlds” as, like, it ended up benefitting the two worlds or something. But still!

Finally a character just snapping under all the abstract details

We love to see it. 

Almost.

But it IS fun that Watanuki hears the plot and is just instantly like “WHAT DO YOU MEAN?! WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!”

In Watanuki gets to be all of us.

We LOVE Yuuko’s genuinely shocked expression at Watanuki’s reaction. 

Somehow this was not what she was expecting his reaction to be and I kind of love that he brings her out of the sad monologue in her final moments. It kind of refocusses the moment away from the grand mystery and makes it a more personal tragedy - it makes it clear that he cares about her and will miss her deeply. 

That’s the element that’s been missing from her ending (on the Tsubasa side) so far, and it’s so touching to see both her and Watanuki overcome with the emotion that he can’t even properly verbalise. 

[nearer-than-the-eye]

xxxHolic Rou as an analogy for chronic illness

rereading Rou and Rei has actually been SUPER interesting bc for a really long time i had....basically labored under the misconception that watanuki stays in the shop SO THAT he can wait for yuuko, when in actuality he stays in the shop AND ALSO waits for yuuko--the two are related but not caused by each other. 

I read xxxholic waaaay before I read tsubasa, and CLAMP’s fucking. stupid ass choices to put yuuko choosing to protect watanuki and not give him to fei wang AND the explanation for why watanuki is confined to the shop and syaoran has to keep traveling EXCULSIVELY IN TSUBASA. instead of. i don’t know. giving us essential xxxholic character/plot information in BOTH series fucked with my understanding of watanuki’s choice to confine himself big time. 

because like. it’s not really a choice! it’s actually a much closer analogy to chronic illness than I had thought--he literally cannot live ‘normally’ in the outside world, he has to confine himself for the sake of the fabric of reality or whatever the fuck. he ALSO chooses to wait for yuuko and take on her mannerisms and become her successor, but he doesn’t choose to confine himself to wait for yuuko. key point.

i think this is an easy mistake to make if you’re just reading xxxholic or aren’t reading it and tsubasa in close succession, HOWEVER. i do think also the doom and gloom of some of my (admittedly) favorite fics about Rou colored my perception a bit too much because it really is SOOOOOOOO fun to have this angst fest where watanuki has made this horrifying decision to literally choose stagnation, never move on from yuuko’s death, and throw his life away and doumeki just has to watch. BUT THAT’S NOT WHAT HAPPENS, RIGHT?�� 

I think Rou itself is actually quite a nice counterpoint to that doom and gloom reading--once you get past Rou’s admittedly jarring first couple of chapters, it’s clear watanuki enjoys his work and while his relationship with doumeki has matured, it’s not changed that much. watanuki clearly cares deeply for doumeki (allllll those fucking scenes of them eating together exist for a reason lmao) and his resistance to doumeki is, I think, less about being resentful of being cared for and more about being worried about doumeki giving up opportunities in his life to look after watanuki. but when doumeki was 16 he said “fuck this shit I’m in it for the long haul, you are not dying alone” and has chosen to abide by that promise to himself ever since. (thus watanuki’s repeated “you never change, do you?”).

This is not “watanuki is throwing his life away and doumeki has to watch,” but honestly the much more complex “watanuki’s life has taken a very sharp left turn because of his, essentially, chronic illness, but he’s actively working to build a fulfilling and positive life within the confines of his circumstances, and doumeki has actively decided to help him with that, though watanuki’s situation is still painful for him as watanuki’s friend and, essentially, caretaker.” 

NOW, doumeki being like....i’m gonna marry your best friend and we’ll have kids and start a lineage responsible for taking care of you because i’m THAT in love with you....is a whole other kettle of fish, and THAT shit is certainly fucked up. especially for the kids. but that’s another post. 

[mihai-florescu]

this deserves a whole separate ask so (this is gonna get long, sorry)

yes! tsubasa reservoir chronicles is a spin off to card captor sakura. xxxholic not really, its a separate story but it complentents tsubasa reservoir chronicles (you have to read them together)

so basically, xxxholic (i recommend starting there) is about this boy, watanuki kimihiro (only boy ever) (very gender), who is haunted by spirits and ghosts and everything. he one day stumbles upon a shop and realizes "oh, hey, the spirits are not bothering me anymore" and then his body starts moving on its own and he goes inside the shop where he meets this woman, yuuko, who runs the shop and tells him she can grant wishes in exchange for something as valueble as the wish, which is how watanuki ends up working for her

now, this is the tricky part: you cant read xxxholic alone bc you wont understand much (like yeah you'll get an ending but most thing will still be inconclusive) so you have to read trc, doesnt matter wether if its after, before or alongside it

im not gonna lie, i just remember the major plot points of trc which im not gonna reveal but i remember it was a fun manga and it blew my brain. basically sakura and syaoran (yes, from ccs) from another dimension have a ton of adventures with fye, kurogane (fye's bf) and this little bunny-like thing named mokona (watanuki in xxxholic has the other mokona, forgot to mention that) and well, it was definitely more deep than that and it has a lot of interesting points but i cant make good summaries and also the only thing i drank today is coffee and beer so this isnt the best i can offer, sorry. also im pretty sure someone ended up being a vampire here but cant remember who

if you dont feel like reading both (theyre rather long) they both have anime adaptations. the thing is... xxxholic's is not the best... you'll notice. it became a meme for some time bc of its anatomy. but its a good introduction to help you decide if you should continue with the manga or not

Halfway through reading i started panicking how the raven cycle is relevant to understanding this but then i realised trc doesnt Always mean the raven cycle... sounds fun, you got me at "someone ended up being a vampire"👀 i'll be honest tho, ive never watched card captor sakura *hides away in shame* but i did watch a youtube video essay about it once if it helps...

[ccborrega]

One thing I don’t think I like in the xxxHoLic anime is how they refused to show a lot of Yuuko’s expressions in favor of giving her a more neutrally ominous vibe.

Take the very first client we see (Watanuki aside) for instance:

She definitely looks troubled the minute she spots the problem. You don’t know her that well at this point (It’s like chapter 2) but that face just screams ‘BAD’ in a way that betrays investment in the issue and solving it. Now compare it to the anime version.

It’s more a ‘Peering into your soul’ kinda gaze than it’s any kind of expression that can let us see what she thinks of the situation. It seems to be done more for the purpose of you realizing something is off than full-out wrong and while it may be just to set an atmosphere, it takes away from Yuuko’s establishment in the manga from early on as someone kind of mischievous and greedy but with her heart on the right place for the most part. 

(I could talk for hours about how she says she should have taken Syaoran’s memories of Sakura as well for the payment of Mokona’s usage, but that she feels it ‘Should’ be fine with Sakura’s memories alone. Later on we learn she could have even have taken injury had she been wrong at balancing out the price and the wish- the way Watanuki does when he takes over, so it’s kind of a risk to say it ‘Should’ be fine even though by her calculations, she should have taken more. It’s yet another one of those things where her true heart shines through and we realize she takes because she must but she doesn’t necessarily enjoy it. Which ties to how her price for Watanuki’s wish being food and drink and company and enjoyment is probably the one instance where she actually enjoyed the payment and I’M EMOTIONAL NOW.)

It also does some disservice to her dynamic with Watanuki- whose personality was also a bit tweaked for the anime. In the manga, early on he doesn’t respect her or trust her one bit and she has to earn that veneration and unconditional trust that breaks our hearts later on, rather than him obeying by default as he kind of does in the anime. Manga Watanuki constantly talks back to her, constantly comments on her ‘Tricking’ clients into deals, constantly loses his temper on her, and while it’s done more for the comedic effect of the gag (It’s at least some good 6 chapters before Doumeki is even first brought up if I recall correctly, later on Watanuki laments being the one ‘Straight man’ of the comedic routine while being metaphorically sandwiched by both of them.) it’s still a more balanced dynamic than him just blindly obeying someone he doesn’t trust, as it happens in the anime. The very first manga instance where he rushes to obey without questioning is when Syaoran shows up, where he just heard Yuuko say if nothing is done, Sakura will die and by then he’s had at least two instances of seeing Yuuko at work and realizing she’s not actually taking advantage or entrapping her clients, and she actually despises those who do. He obeys because he wants Sakura to get help as soon as possible and understands helping Yuuko means helping her.

Anyway I still love the anime but I wish they hadn’t felt the need to make Yuuko less expressive than the manga counterpart.

[doumekiss]

we are too soft and bloody for this to ever work (xxxHolic fic)

Doumeki/Watanuki // T // 685 words // Pov second person 

Read here or on ao3

Sometimes he makes you angry just looking at his face.

In the past, you thought you just didn't like his stupid face. But his grandfather had all the same features on his face and he never pissed you off like his grandson often does just by being there. Eventually you realized that it wasn't really his face, it was the way his expressions didn't betray anything that was going on inside him while even strangers sometimes saw parts of you that you preferred to keep hidden.

He had control over his face, over the muscles of his body with every gesture being thought out and for a purpose. It irritated you endlessly when you were young and the world still seemed full of hope. And it irritates you now.

A part of you would like to see him lose all that self-control, that he would throw you against the wall and punch you or kiss you, that he would do something besides being there looking at you with that expressionless face of his.

You never thought of yourself as a particularly seductive person, but it works on him. You leave your kimono loose as she did, and you can feel his eyes roaming every inch of exposed skin. You blow the smoke right in his face to see if he'll be pissed off enough to lose control.

One night you're curious and drunk enough to do something else, it's past midnight and you've had too much to drink and he's supporting you until you get to your room, you have an arm over his shoulders and he's practically dragging you in some parts of the path between your room and the porch, you two arrive at the door of your room and he is very close and it would be so easy to kiss him, and then you do it before you have time to remember all the reasons why you shouldn't.

During the kiss you keep your eyes closed and you can feel his mouth moving against yours, but only slightly, not as if he wants to devour you, he is still in control and irritates you endlessly. You step back and open your eyes and the expression on his face is still the same.

"You should go to sleep." he says.

"You should come to bed with me." you say.

He hesitates for a few seconds and this is rare, because he is tempted, but apparently not enough because what he says next is:

"Go to sleep Watanuki, I'll see you tomorrow"

He wants you, you know that. But he doesn't want to have a drunken fuck at a store that is technically another dimension. He wants to wake up next to you in his room at the temple and make love to you completely sober and with the morning light coming in through the cracks in the curtain, he wants to take you to beautiful places and see you smiling, he wants to have arguments about stupid things that ends feeling more like a joke than a fight, he wants to take care of you, he wants to make you feel complete and at peace, he wants to grow old with you. He just wants the things you don't have the ability to give him. No one who talks and looks the way he does should have the right to be so sentimental, you decide.

You get yourself out of his arms and head for your room alone.

"Whatever" you say, and add because you know it will hurt "It's not like you're the one I really want anyway"

And only then do you see something different on his face, or at least something that he usually didn't allow himself to show. It is not fury or lust, it is simply sadness for you, for himself, for the universe for being the way it is.

You close the door, you don't want to see that expression in front of you although you know it for sure it will be a long time before you are able to erase it from your memory.

[pocket-luv101]

Whispered Promises || Part 1

Fandom: Servamp Ship: KuroMahi Characters: Kuro, Mahiru

Summary: After Mahiru witnesses a major crime, he is targeted by the mafia. Kuro becomes his bodyguard to keep him safe. (KuroMahi, Bodyguard AU)

(Part 1) || Part 2 || Part 3

“I’ll be at the station in ten minutes and then we can walk to the pub. Don’t you dare buy hotdogs for dinner though. That’s barely a meal and you won’t have energy for tomorrow.” Mahiru laughed with his friend over the phone. Kuro’s shift ended late but he called him to ask if he wanted to have a late dinner with him. “You still have unhealthy tastes from when we were kids.”

Since Kuro was a detective, he was busy most days. It was difficult to make time for each other but their friendship was worth the effort. Mahiru decided to go to the station and walk Kuro to the restaurant rather than meeting him there. He thought it would be a good opportunity to spend more time together. Even though they could talk over the phone, he preferred to speak with him in person. He pictured the subtle smile Kuro would make and grinned to himself.

A gleam of light caught his attention and it made him to pause. He assumed that the light was caused by moonlight reflecting off glass. Mahiru looked in the direction of the light and noticed a car sitting idle in an alleyway. His eyes narrowed when he saw that the car didn’t have a license plate. Kuro’s voice pulled him out of his thoughts. “Mahiru, did something happen? You suddenly went quiet.”

“Kuro, what reason would a person have to remove the license plate from their car? I’m not a cop but I assume it’s not good.” Mahiru told him in quiet whisper. He hesitantly crossed the street to the alley. The light he saw earlier meant that there could be someone in the car. “The car is parked next to the beer store on the corner of Fleet Street. I’ll stop people from entering the alley if it’s something dangerous.”

“You shouldn’t go near that car either, Mahiru! Just wait in the beer store for me to get there. The police station isn’t far from where you are so I’ll be in ten minutes. Just stay somewhere safe.” Kuro pleaded but he knew Mahiru wasn’t the type to ignore people in danger.

“It might be nothing and I’m just being paranoid. I’ll keep my phone on so you’ll hear if anything happens.” He told him and crept into the alley way. He kept a tight grip on his phone to calm his nerves. Mahiru was a normal civilian and he had never been in a dangerous situation before. He didn’t know what he might see but there was a possibility that someone innocent was hiding or in danger. The least he could do was give the police as much information he could when they arrive.

He peered into the car but he couldn’t see anything inside. Mahiru started to walk around the car until he heard voices nearby. He instinctively covered his mouth to not make a noise and he crouched beside the car. The alley was dark yet he could make out two people a few feet in front of him. His heart stopped when he saw that one of them had a gun.

“You missed this month’s payment. I thought we had an agreement. We protect your store and you push some drugs for us. You haven’t been selling your share and we’re starting to think you’re skimming us. You should know better than to cross us.” The man said. The other person stumbled over an answer but it was clear that any explanation was pointless.

A gunshot echoed throughout the alley and Mahiru couldn’t stop himself letting out a sharp gasp. He turned around to run but, in his panic, he tripped. He grabbed the car door to stop his fall. The car alarm blared to life and his heart stopped. The car’s headlights flashed and the light allowed Mahiru to see the shooter. Their eyes met and fear made his legs stiff even as his mind was screaming for him to run.

The moment the man point his gun at him, Mahiru was pulled backwards. His surroundings became a blur and he wasn’t able to make any sense of what happened next. Mahiru felt himself being dragged away with the sound of gunshots following them. He wasn’t hurt when someone took him behind a dumpster and blanketed him in warmth.

“Hyde, the shooter is escaping on foot. He’s heading south down Fleet Street.” Kuro shouted the orders to his brother. His voice brought Mahiru out of his daze and he looked up at him. He wanted to thank him for saving him but his voice wouldn’t come out. His body shook but he regained enough control of his hands to grip Kuro’s shirt. “Lily, take care of Mahiru and I’ll go after the shooter.”

When he would’ve left, Mahiru stopped him. He let go of his shirt so he could throw himself into his strong chest. Mahiru wrapped his arms around him and clung onto him. Kuro couldn’t leave after he saw how pale he was. He tenderly stroked his brown hair to comfort him. “You’re safe, Mahiru. It’s okay.”

“Please, don’t leave me.” He whispered.

“I won’t. JeJe, can you take charge while I get Mahiru somewhere safe?” He asked his brother who nodded. Kuro wrapped his arm around Mahiru’s waist as they stood. He pressed himself close to his side as they walked out of the alley. Mahiru sat on the curb and he glanced around them worriedly. His eyes fell back to his clenched hands on his lap.

The danger had already passed but Mahiru was still struggling to absorb what happened. His hands trembled until Kuro wrapped them in a reassuring warmth. The simple gesture made him feel safe. He found his voice again and asked: “Will that man be okay? Oh God, I couldn’t do anything and I just stood there. If you hadn’t come… Why can’t I stop shaking?”

“It’s the adrenaline. Take deep breaths and count with me, Mahiru. That will help you calm down and return your heartbeat to normal.” Kuro took off his jacket and wrapped it around his shoulders. While it was a warm summer night, Mahiru found himself pulling the jacket tighter around his body. The lingering warmth from Kuro’s body clung to the fabric and he took comfort in that. After a few breaths, colour returned to his cheeks and Kuro was relieved to see him relax.

Kuro wasn’t the best with words so he wasn’t comfortable speaking with the victims and witnesses. He would usually have Lily speak with them. Mahiru was different though. They had been friends since they were children and he would do anything to help him. He wished he had arrived sooner or convinced him not to enter the alley. He pushed his own guilt aside to focus on Mahiru.

Slowly, he brushed his bangs from his brown eyes. “Are you feeling better now?”

“Now that you’re here.” Mahiru managed to give him a small smile. “Thank you, Kuro.”

“If you’re ready, we need to go to the station and take your statement.” JeJe’s voice came between them. Even as Mahiru nodded, he didn’t want to let go of Kuro’s hands. He must’ve read his thoughts for he adjusted their fingers to thread together.

“We’ll go together. I won’t let go of your hand until you feel safe.” Kuro vowed. “I’ll protect you, Mahiru.”

After they returned to the police station, Mahiru made a statement and worked with a police sketch artist. They weren’t able to leave until well past midnight. Mahiru asked Kuro to stay the night since he wasn’t comfortable being alone. The shooter had escaped and officers were currently searching for him with the sketch the artist made.

The sun had barely risen when Kuro woke. He walked into the kitchen but he didn’t find Mahiru cooking like he usually would. It was rare that he woke up before him but the previous night had been stressful. He thought of all the times Mahiru would cook for him after a difficult investigation. Kuro wanted do the same for him and make him smile again. He decided to cook breakfast for Mahiru and rummaged through his fridge for food. Kuro would often sleep over at his house so he was able to easily find everything.

His phone rang and Kuro answered it as he heated water. His brother’s name flashed on the screen and he knew the reason he called him so early was likely related to the case. “Hey, JeJe. Has there been an update on the shooter? It’s only been a few hours so I didn’t expect for someone to identify him so soon.”

“I sent the sketch to Mikuni and he recognized the man.” JeJe told him. A rock dropped in Kuro’s stomach. Mikuni was working undercover with that mafia group, Karasu. His brother would only contact Mikuni if he thought the two cases were related. “The shooter is one of Karasu’s favourite messengers, Watanuki. Captain has already ordered us to bring the guy in. I thought I should tell you so you can prepare Mahiru. His testimony is the best chance we have to take them down.”

“Shit.” Kuro cursed and ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. For the past month, they had been slowly building a case against the mafia group but their Captain was impatient to arrest them. Karasu would murder witnesses so gathering evidence for a trial was difficult. “Mahiru said the shooter saw him so the mafia will go after him. Can we protect him? Did the prosecutor say anything about the trial date?”

“Misono won’t have a date until we arrest Watanuki. Even if we arrest him today, the trial will likely be weeks from now. You know how backed up the system is.” JeJe said and caused Kuro to sigh heavily. He wished that things were as easy as the movies. “I can ask the Captain for Mahiru to be put in witness protection but that’s not in the budget. The best we can do is have a cop drive by his house hourly.”

“Karasu has killed five witnesses already and I don’t want Mahiru to be their next target.” Kuro’s grip tightened around his phone. He knew that his brother wasn’t able to do much either. The frightened expression Mahiru had the previous night made Kuro want to protect him. “There must be something we can do.”

“If you’re worried about Mahiru, you should be the one to protect him like a bodyguard. Hyde suggested the idea. You have a lot of paid vacation days saved up and we’ll take care of your cases. Mahiru’s our friend and we don’t want him to be hurt.” JeJe said. “Kuro, we know Mahiru is important to you so it’s okay. We just need to talk to Captain about it. Hyde is already doing that.”

“Thanks. I’ll talk to Mahiru about the situation and ask him what he wants to do.” Kuro said and ended the call. He heard the door open behind him and he turned around to see Mahiru step out of the room. He didn’t know if he had overheard their conversation but said: “That was JeJe. We can talk about his call after we eat. I wanted to make you breakfast but I got distracted. It should be ready soon though. There’s orange juice.”

“Thank you, Kuro.” He said and took the cup from him. Mahiru leaned against the counter and watched Kuro pour noodles into a pot. Usually, he would lecture Kuro for heating up processed food but he knew the breakfast was a thoughtful gesture. He tasted a spoonful of the broth and said, “It’s good. I must be a lucky man to have your special instant noodles.”

“Did you sleep well?” Kuro didn’t know how he would tell Mahiru about the mafia group. He was a normal civilian and the situation could frighten him. He never wanted to see Mahiru scared again.

“I overheard your call with JeJe about the mafia group targeting witnesses.” His words made Kuro’s eyes widen. He looked into his brown eyes but they weren’t fearful like they were last night. Mahiru set down his cup and said: “Honestly, I was terrified when I heard you say that. I read about Karasu in the papers. But, if I can help you stop them by testifying, I won’t run away.”

“You must be more courageous and reckless than most of the police force. The only one crazier than you would be Licht but that’s a high bar.” Kuro joked and stroked his brown hair. At first, he only meant to smooth his hair back into place but he found his hands lingering. He didn’t want to let go of him. “I’ll protect you, Mahiru. JeJe and I are working on ways to keep you safe.”

“I wouldn’t have anyone be my bodyguard but my best friend.” Mahiru didn’t know if he should confess that Kuro was the only reason that he was so calm despite the situation. He trusted him with his life. “I don’t know a lot about police work or things like that outside of movies. Will it be a risk to go to work? I don’t want to endanger my co-workers by simply being there.”

“It might be best to move you to a safe house. The Karasu has a lot of connections and they might be able to find your address and work. We can stay in a hotel so they won’t find you. I’ll have JeJe call your boss to explain the situation too.” Kuro knew how much Mahiru loved his job as a veterinarian. “We’ll catch that man as quickly as we can, Mahiru. I won’t let anything happen to you in that time.”

“I know you will protect me, Kuro.” Mahiru smiled up at him and trust shone in his brown eyes. He stepped away from him and said, “I’ll start packing some things for the move but I need a shower first. Do you want to join me to make sure there’s no one hiding behind my towels, Mr. Bodyguard?”

“Anything to make you feel safe.” He joked and they both laughed. Mahiru walked down the hall while Kuro continued cooking.

[dainarps]

An AU inside an AU

@claudrps “And what do you have to offer me in exchange for your education?” Kimihiro Watanuki stared up at the woman, feeling his throat go dry. He was fifteen, an orphan, and looking for an opportunity to better himself. Cultivation — that was a path to true success. When Mistress Yuuko Ichihara announced that she would be looking for new students, the whole sect was abuzz. Youths came from far and wide to answer her call, many of them turned away.

Watanuki needed this. He lived on the streets, trading chores and odd jobs for shelter during the night, when spirits roamed freely. A roof over his head was only one perk, though. There was fame and notoriety, too, but even that wasn’t why Watanuki wanted this.

He had watched cultivation masters before, admiring their work from wherever his home happened to be that night. They freed lost and wandering spirits, guiding them to return to their afterlives, helping them achieve satisfaction in life. They assisted humans, saving them from wandering corpses or vengeful ghosts looking for anyone to kill and satisfy their bloodlust. No matter what they did, their work was fulfilling.

Watanuki had no sense of purpose. He didn’t remember his parents and neither did anyone else, leaving him a mystery to even those in his clan. Some people considered him cursed — a human born from thin air was only destined to cause trouble. Watanuki paid them no mind. He knew he had parents out there somewhere, whether he grew up orphaned or not. People didn’t just appear out of the ground like flowers.

He’d never felt a calling toward anything until he watched a group of cultivators exorcise the spirit of an angry mother from a baby, saving the child’s life. He wondered if cultivators had been present during his early days, if he would still have his parents.

He wondered if he could make a difference in someone’s life like that.

“I’m offering you…myself,” Watanuki said, his voice firm.

Yuuko smirked and brought her pipe to her lip, inhaling slow, then exhaling, blowing smoke in Watanuki’s face. “So…you’re offering me nothing?”

“Eh?” “That’s how you think of yourself, is it not? You are worth nothing, you came from nothing, you will never achieve anything. You are valued at nothing.” Watanuki’s eyes went wide and he stared at Yuuko, unsure of how to respond to that. Maybe sometimes thoughts like that crossed his mind. There were many days where he thought that about himself. She wasn’t wrong.

He stared down at the ground, his fists clenched at his side. It was one thing for himself to say those things, but it was another entirely for someone else to do so. “That’s what I thought,” Yuuko said, raising her hand to dismiss him. “I’m worth more than nothing,” Watanuki said. “I may have nothing, but I’m worth more than nothing. I’m good with my hands. I can cook and clean. I can sew. I can work. I have value.” He looked up at Yuuko again, his eyes set firm. He wouldn’t be turned away. He could do this. He had worth. He had the determination and the grit.

Yuuko didn’t seem offended by his outburst. In fact…she grinned, and Watanuki immediately felt uneasy. “Prove it.”

Watanuki spent his time at the Ichihara compound on his hands and knees, scrubbing, weeding, painting, and when his knees grew red and raw from that, he stood and cooked, dusted, and catered to each whim Yuuko had. He became a servant, working alone in a house far too big for one person to clean. It seemed that those who were actually the servants had been given some time off, and most of them stood by and watched him. He often heard them talking about how much longer he’d last until he gave up.

They didn’t know just how far stubbornness could take a young man.

It put him through each day of Yuuko calling his name, demanding ridiculous things, begging for sake early in the morning or breakfast late at night. At first, Watanuki delivered these things. His attitude changed quite quickly, though, the more he thought about what got him here in the first place. He valued himself…and he wasn’t going to let this lady take advantage of him. “Watanukiiii,” Yuuko whined, interrupting one of her classes to find him in the hallway, dusting cobwebs off of old paintings. “Bring me the wine from the cellar — you know the one with—“ “No,” Watanuki said. “No?” “No! I’m busy doing the other ridiculous chores on this list, and you’re not drinking in the middle of the morning, and in the middle of your class! What would your students think of you?! Shoo! Shoo! I’m busy!”

Yuuko raised a brow and several of her students were peeking out of the room, looking shocked at his behavior.

“If you say so,” Yuuko said, turning back to her classroom. She repeated this experiment a few more times, and each time, Watanuki fought her on it. She didn’t know if that made him brave or stupid, but it was a good thing regardless. It meant he had a spine.

She allowed Watanuki into the classroom a month later, when his hands were forming callouses from raking the yard, when his knees were black and bruised from scrubbing the floor, when the bags under his eyes were almost as long as his eyes themselves.

Watanuki was a special case, though. He needed more than lessons and practice. He needed a guiding hand — not with cultivation, but with himself. Most of her students came from well-known families, raised with love and kindness. They had brothers and sisters, mothers and fathers. Watanuki had nothing and nobody to fall back on. He had nobody to support him, so Yuuko took him under her wing. He was still young, so she raised him. She brought him on various trips, allowed him into meetings he shouldn’t have been privy to.

Some of the other leaders turned their noses up at it, but none said a word. They couldn’t. This was Yuuko’s student and this was her way of teaching. Worse than that was that Watanuki was actually good at what he did. He was a natural talent, and Yuuko was sure that his ancestors had to have been great cultivators. It was abnormal for someone to have this level of power, but not know where it came from. To be frank, Yuuko was fascinated with Watanuki, and that fascination eventually turned into an almost parental bond.

She tried not to play favorites in class, but Watanuki made it difficult not to. He was a hard worker and skilled in more ways than one. And while she plenty enjoyed pestering him in class, teasing him outside of it was even better. Hardly a night went by where he didn’t show to make her tea or cook her dinner. It had been ages since he’d arrived here, but he hardly acted any different than he had on day one.

——

“What will you name it?” Yuuko asked. Watanuki looked down at the sword in his hands. Yuuko had gone to the smith with a very specific request, and he’d delivered. The silvery sword looked almost liquid under the sunlight, the bird wings on the delicate hilt practically glittering. Watanuki was strong, but not like some, and the sword was light enough for him to swing it easily.

Naming a sword was a big deal. It would be with him for, hopefully, a long time. It would bind to him, protect him, and serve him well. It needed a name that was worthy of it.

“Fenghuang,” Watanuki said after a few moments.

Yuuko hummed and nodded her name approvingly.  “A good name.”

The sword’s color shifted in the light, and Watanuki liked to think that it agreed with his choice. ——

Most of the cultivators from his class spread out around the country, returning only occasionally to make reports or reunite with old friends. Watanuki never traveled far, though. He took care of this sect, joined Yuuko when her presence was demanded elsewhere, and left only when she sent him somewhere she was incapable of going.

There were rumors now regarding her behavior, with many wondering if he was being groomed to be her heir. She was unmarried and had no children to speak of. Watanuki, with his family situation — or lack thereof — was a perfect candidate. He was strong, his cultivation skills were admirable for his age, and as he grew he only became more powerful.

He wanted to make Yuuko proud. She had done so much for him, and each time she smiled he felt a little more fulfilled.

——

“A present,” Yuuko said, holding a large box out to Watanuki.

“Eh? What for?”

“Oh, an old friend owed me a favor, so he paid me back with this. I don’t want it, so I thought you might have some use for it.”

“So it’s not a present,” Watanuki said, narrowing his eyes at Yuuko. “It’s leftovers.” “Mm, maybe,” she said. He took the box and set it on his lap — for as big as it was, it wasn’t particularly heavy.

“Some ghost isn’t going to jump out of this at me, right?” Yuuko threw her head back and cackled, as if appreciating that vision more than anything else in the world. He reminded himself to be wary of any future gifts she gave him.

Inside the box was a brand new shamisen, a bird painted elegantly across the front. A plectrum with a similar design laid next to it. Some of the best cultivators practiced with music and instruments, and though Yuuko was already turned around and gone, Watanuki had the feeling that this wasn’t just some secondhand gift.

——

Tendrils of magic swirled around Yuuko — her own cultivation — devouring her from the inside out. Watanuki had only just arrived, summoned by her at the last second. He wondered…if that was her last act. What had she been fighting? What had taken her away?

“Yuuko!” Watanuki screamed, reaching through her spell and grabbing hold of her, trying to free her. Yuuko was one of the most powerful cultivators in history — she couldn’t just die! It was impossible! She…She was Yuuko!

When pulling her free didn’t work he stood back, pulling the shamisen around and strumming — his cultivation combatting against hers. It was a futile idea. Useless from the start.

“Watanuki,” Yuuko spoke, her voice sounding far away and causing Watanuki’s song to cut off suddenly. “You were always meant for greatness, but not even you can stop death.”

Watanuki blinked tears out of his eyes, ignoring how they stained his glasses. “I can try! It’s not supposed to be like this! You’re supposed to be here!” He lifted his plectrum again, only to be cut off by Yuuko’s voice again. “Not all good things can last, Kimihiro. Promise me, though, that you won’t stop,” she said. “Promise me…that you’ll go on existing.” Watanuki looked up to say something more, but Yuuko’s body was all that was left of her, her soul vanished and her corpse just that — a corpse.

An anguished cry fell from his lips and he leaned forward, his tears soaking the ground.

——

Watanuki prayed for several days at her grave, staying there through the night. Visitors from other clans came and went, and even folks from other countries knelt by her grave. Her disciples were all sent to learn under new teachers, and when Watanuki did eventually return to the temple, he was alone. His footsteps echoed in the halls and he muffled his wretched sobs in the bath.

It wasn’t fair. There had to be a way to bring her back to life. She should’ve been immortal. It wasn’t right. Someone like her shouldn’t have been taken away — all the criminals, the thieves, the rapists in this world — and the heavens took Yuuko.

Watanuki couldn’t eat and he didn’t sleep. The other masters were concerned, coming over every now and then to force him to rest. It was only when he was confronted by one of the eldest, that he realized what he could do. He could keep working — he could become immortal — and that would give him an eternity to search for a way to bring back Yuuko.

With newfound vigor, Watanuki began putting himself back on track, fueled by a new goal — a selfish one. His goal of wanting to help others was put on the back burner, but Yuuko would understand that, right? She’d get it, right? He was doing this for her! He was researching, studying, and reading for her.

For some time he was left alone in the temple, left to mourn and do his bidding. He answered his calls and assisted other cultivators as needed, but eventually reality caught back up to him.

He knew what the others said about him — that he was selfish, that he was tainting his cultivation, that the immortality he earned wasn’t rightly given. He’d heard worse things before.

The big issue was that, if he was going to remain in this temple, if he was going to continue practicing cultivation, he was going to have to start accepting students. He would have to open the temple back up to his sect, let people enroll.

The news was delivered to him and he grumbled about it for weeks. Didn’t they know he had better things to do?! Didn’t they understand his work here?! He could really make a difference if he accomplished this! He could bring Yuuko back — and so many other great leaders!

He knew, though, that if he mentioned it to anyone…it’d be frowned upon. It went against the natural order.

To be frank, fuck the natural order.

——

Several years after Yuuko’s death, Watanuki opened the front doors to the temple for the first time. He stepped outside wearing her long robes and lit the oil lamps out front. He planted new flowers, hung flags, and let it spread that he would finally be accepting students — those he deemed worthy. Yuuko’s task had been a difficult one for him — what was worth his education here?

Watanuki had volunteered his life in exchange for her teachings. What did he want these children to do? If he had to teach, he wouldn’t bother with those who couldn’t stand on their own two feet. They should be wise — worldly — but not stuck up. They should know the value of hard work and labor, while knowing what it took to be poised and refined.

So, when his first potential student arrived at his door, begging to be educated, Watanuki inhaled slow on his pipe and exhaled, letting the smoke waft lazily around the ceiling. “I’d like a cup of tea before I make my decision,” he said.

[adelmortescryche]

YOI Fantasy Week - Day Three

AN: It’s pretty obvious that I missed the actual day of the prompt, for a whole host of reasons that I doubt anyone wants to hear on a fic post. Here’s hoping a late post is okay, @yoifantasyweek, I’ll get the post for day four out soon, since it’s ready to submit as well. Here’s my promptfill for fairy and mischief.

Premise: Completely AU. Fairy!Victor, Fairy!Yuri P., Werewolf!Leo, Human-with-Supernatural-Sight!Yuuri. Think something along the lines of Natsume from NatsuYuu or Watanuki from xxxholic.

Yuuri wakes up one morning to find a fairy cleaning his apartment. He’s not quite sure how to break it to the fairy that Yuuri can see him. Shenanigans ensue.

Fantasy Week Promptfills: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7

There’s a child in his apartment.

Yuuri blinked blearily, unable to believe his eyes. The sight was strange enough that he actually turned around to walk into the washroom, headed for the cold water. One splash of ice cold water to the face had him gasping in shock, but at least it was enough to prove to him that he was actually awake.

Except for the fact that, when he warily peeked out the door, the teen’s still there, busily wiping down Yuuri’s bookshelves, his face screwed up in concentration with his tongue peeking out just the slightest. It’s adorable, yes, but also very unnerving. How in the world had a child –

That’s about the point at which he registered the translucent pair of wings attached to the youth’s shoulder blades, their join to his skin and muscle clearly visible because of the low-cut neck on his shirt. The length of his hair, hanging long and loose over his back, had managed to hide the deceptively frail looking wings all too well.

Oh. That explained it.

Yuuri sighed, and rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably. At least now he knew he wasn’t hallucinating. Instead of bothering to waste any more time thinking about it, he’d already woken later than he really should have, he just turned right around to get ready for the day.

*

It went something like this – Yuuri had always been able to see strange things, ever since he’d been a child. Whether a gift or a curse, he was probably lucky that he hadn’t been born a few generations before his own, because most supernatural beings were more interested in blending in with the changed world and enjoying it than not, these day days.

Which wasn’t to say that they weren’t dangerous, oh no – Yuuri knew better than to go and insult any ayakashi that might decide to have him for a meal instead of politely ignoring him. But the good thing about living in the modern age was that he’d be more likely to run into a yuki onna sitting beside him on the bleachers of an ice rink and watching an ice show than he would be to run into something with too many teeth and a taste for blood in the dark.

By the time he’d hit his teens, nearly any supernatural presence in or around Hasetsu had known to watch out for him. Or, at the very least, knew not to be offended by any social faux pas on his part, because, it had to be said. For all that he could get into the strangest of awkward situations with humans? He could get into a whole lot of weirder ones with people who weren’t.

*

He still wasn’t sure how he was supposed to tell the fairy busily tidying up his apartment each day that Yuuri could see him. He was also too scared to offer him something in return – Yuuri’d done that at an undergrad friend’s home once, figuring it could only be kind to leave them something to eat and drink in return since his friend’s parents certainly couldn’t know they were around. And the next thing he knew, his friend was grumbling about how her visit back home for Thanksgiving had coincided with the end of whatever had been keeping her parents’ place miraculously neat all the time.

That had been enough to confirm that, no, he really didn’t know how to work with non-human races that weren’t Japanese. He’d spent the rest of his days in college quietly avoiding anything even remotely non-human.

It should have been enough to keep him going until he returned to Hasetsu. The plan had been to head back home after he finished his coursework, seeing as he had traveled abroad to get a degree and then get back. But then he’d been offered a spot in the graduate program, and the next thing he knew, he was being transferred to the labs at another University on a recommendation.

Apparently he was good at chemistry. Who knew.

Yuuri was still relatively new to the area – he hadn’t even had the chance to go around to see which the spots to avoid after dark were, or which places sold the best food. On the flipside, anyway. Those questions were easier to answer when you stuck to the human world. Of course, after trying your first helping of kitsune prepared oden, you’d never want to stick to the human world alone. Yuuri liked good food enough that he was willing to take the risk. Even if he amused way too many people while taking those risks.

No, really, this one time he managed to land himself and a couple of drunk classmates at a goblin bar-

Anyway.

Another night of binge watching crime shows on his laptop because his next class hadn’t been till 2pm meant another day of waking up late to find the silver haired fairy cheerily bustling about, straightening things out, cleaning any and all flat surfaces and even fluffing out the large throw cushions Yuuri had spread out around his living room. For all that Yuuri’s brain still screamed ‘teen in my apartment!’ in horror whenever he saw the fairy, youthful features aside, the ‘teen’ was probably older than Yuuri’s parents. Heck, for all that he looked like he was seventeen, that probably correlated with seventeen centuries or something. Yuuri’d met a few youkai who looked like they belonged in elementary school while they were a couple millennia old, after all.

Youthfully pretty face and much-appreciated house cleaning aside, Yuuri wished he knew what he should do. It hadn’t even been two weeks and he’d already returned home some weekends to find his fridge fully stocked with fresh food. He was almost afraid to know what would happen in the span of another few months.

Really, even if he couldn’t thank the fairy, he wished he at least knew his name. Yuuri’s late mornings plus his long running days and the fairy’s relatively early start on cleaning things up meant that, most of the time, he felt like he had a roommate that he saw every morning in passing and who was already in bed by the time he returned home. Which just made him feel like a heel. Even if that’s exactly how he’d interacted with any roommate he’d had till date, except for Phichit.

Honestly? He didn’t have any experiences quite like this one, so he felt like he was floundering in the deep end without a float. And having the fairy bob around looking pretty and cleaning up behind him had started to make Yuuri feel like a voyeur. He didn’t even want to know what his family would have to say about it, really, if he ever worked up the courage to ask them for advice. So he just kept his mouth shut, and avoided being in the living room whenever the fairy was about.

*

Staring dumbly into his coffee for too long while the fairy puttered about in his kitchen one morning brought on another unexpected realization – for all that he had no clue what was going on and why the fairy had picked his brand new apartment to keep neat and tidy, the fairy? Knew Yuuri’s name quite well.

“Oh, Yuuri, shouldn’t you be in class already?” he asked, completely out of the blue, sounding fond, and Yuuri was probably lucky he hadn’t been drinking the previously mentioned coffee. Else he’d have choked.

*

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, Leo,” Yuuri found himself explaining a few months down the line to the werewolf he’d run into and become friends with at the closest actual coffee shop to campus. Leo’d been having a hairier day than usual. Yuuri’d seen that happen a bunch of times while at college, so he’d absentmindedly told Leo to watch his wolf if he didn’t want to get caught out.

Poor Leo’d almost had a heart attack. Yuuri had to resort to buying him a big mocha with lots of marshmallows and whipped cream plus a big chocolate muffin before he could convince the teen he wasn’t a bounty hunter of some sort. Not that all the sugar offered for free had helped his case any, but the clear familiarity Yuuri had with the barista had calmed Leo down enough to listen.

In the present, Leo was laughing his ass off, wheezing helplessly for breath into his sickeningly sweet coffee, and was clearly not going to be of any help to Yuuri. Heck, he was lucky that Leo wouldn’t share the tale with their less fantastically inclined friends. Who knew what Phichit would have done with the information. There were times Yuuri wished he’d confided in his best friend already, but the fairy situation had made him relieved that he hadn’t.

“Maybe you should just, oh, I don’t know, tap him on the shoulder one morning? Go ‘yo, fairy dude, you’re awesome and all, thanks for cleaning my apartment, but I think I’d like to get your number now.’” Leo offered up with a wide grin, once he’d calmed down.

Yuuri stared back at him in wordless distaste. All it did was make Leo topple over onto the extended seat beside him, shaking with laughter all over again.

“You should probably do something about it, dude, I mean. I’m pretty sure I saw that coat stand in a magazine Guang Hong was reading once. Definitely isn’t in line with your tastes. That can’t be good.” Leo told him seriously, much later in the evening, when they were already halfway through a six pack.

Yuuri blinked at the chair-stand-thing that Leo was helpfully gesturing at with his can. And realized, after a long moment, that he’d never seen the monstrosity before in his life.

*

The fairy kept shooting him sad looks, the next morning. Yuuri, still hungover after the previous night - because finding out your helpful apartment cleaning fairy had decided to start stocking your apartment with designer furniture and brand name clothing for you, free of charge, called for drinks stiffer than cheapass beer - couldn’t figure out why until he noticed the way the fairy kept shooting Leo dirty looks.

Leo, still passed out on Yuuri’s couch, had nothing to say on the matter, either way.

Maybe the fairy just didn’t like werewolves?

*

(Sure, he was just going to go ahead and keep telling himself that.)

*

Things came to a head when another morning, while Yuuri was busy working on a report he needed to hand in, a tiny blond fairy burst into his apartment like a tornado.

“VICTOR!” he snarled, making Yuuri almost fall off of the couch in surprise, “YOU’RE HERE, I KNOW YOU ARE!”

Yuuri’s fairy, who was apparently named Victor, of all things, stuck his head out from Yuuri’s bedroom, brows already lowered in disapproval.

“Yura, I spoke to Yakov and told him that I wouldn’t be coming back! What are you doing here?”

Yuuri stared at the tiny fairy in fascination, hands paused over his laptop’s keyboard. He looked like he could have been anywhere between ten or thirteen, and Yuuri didn’t think he’d ever seen anyone puff up and turn quite that red before. Not outside anime, anyway.

“YOU OWE ME A PROGRAM! And here you are, hiding away inside some human’s house, playing at being a fucking brownie!”

“Hey now. You’re being disrespectful to brownies.” Victor countered with a smile that looked like a bare blade leveled back at the younger fairy.

“I. DON’T. CARE. YOU OWE ME!”

Victor actually sighed at that, roughly shoving his long silvery hair up and off his face with one hand, looking thoroughly irritated.

“If the choreography is all you want you could have just waited at my apartment instead of following my aura here. Yuuri has work to do! He’s been looking so stressed lately!”

Yuuri nodded along with him in agreement, and turned his attention back to his report. Well, he supposed the fairies could sort it out. It wasn’t like he could actually contribute to their conversation, anyway.

“Yakov said that all you could do was talk about your stupid human, and like a fool I didn’t believe him. I needed to see it with my own eyes! That dumb bacchanal was almost a whole year ago, old man!”

Wait, what?

Yuuri’s head whipped around fast enough that it actually gave him a crick in his neck. It was probably for the best that the other two were so absorbed in their argument, else they’d have noticed him for sure. Victor was actually going red in the face, his wings fluttering slightly in a motion that looked unconscious.

Yuuri’s hurriedly turned his attention back to his laptop, getting chrome open and typing the word in, hoping against hope that his brain had defined it wrong.

“This has nothing to do with the bacchanal! Yuuri was so nice to everyone, I don’t think he even wanted to be there, he just walked in with some other humans on campus and all he wanted to do was dance! He was so sweet!” Victor snapped, and Yuuri nearly heaved a sigh of relief. Especially since the definition google was flashing at him were not comforting.

Yura sneered, though.

“HAH! All he wanted to do was dance, was it. Sure didn’t fucking look like that’s all he wanted to do when you climbed him like a fucking tr-!”

“OKAY I think that’s enough!” Yuuri yelped, slamming the lip of his laptop shut, and making both fairies scream and throw their arms around each other in shock.

Or, well. That’s what Victor had done. Yura was fighting desperately to get out of his octopus-like grip, cursing all the while, but both were looking about as wide eyed as Yuuri, who stared back at them over the back of the couch, still reeling under the fact that he’d actually spoken up.

The tableau remained the same for a split second or so before Yura roared, shoving Victor away and pointing a finger at Yuuri dramatically.

“You can see us!”

Yuuri blinked back at him, not sure what he’d been expected, but it hadn’t been that.

“Er. Yes?”

“Wait, you can see us?!” Victor yelped, bouncing back out of the bedroom, where he’d been flung by Yura’s violent escape.

“Yes?”

All three of them stared at each other for another long moment, before Victor actually squeaked, covering his face in horror. Yura just kept pointing, though his jaw had dropped a little. Yuuri cleared his throat, and forced himself to get up, quietly edging his way around them to head to the kitchen. Tea couldn’t hurt, right? Maybe something stronger, too, if he could get away with it.

At least Leo’d gotten him a bottle of some absolutely killer mead. As a joke, Yuuri supposed, but fairies should like that, right? Since it was honey based? It wasn’t like he knew what fairies liked to drink. They were a lot less mixed in with human society than the other races he’d run into over the years.

Fuck whatever they wanted, anyway. After that little conversation he’d overheard, Yuuri needed a drink.

*

“I knew you wouldn’t remember anything,” Victor explained awkwardly, once he’d convinced Yura, Yuri, and wasn’t that hilarious, to leave, “humans never do. That’s how bacchanals work, it’s hard to remember what happens at them. Most everyone’s happier than way.”

“Please tell me I didn’t have drunken and drugged sex with you under an open night sky with a whole lot of other people going at it in the background. Please.” Yuuri whimpered back, head buried in his hands.

Victor choked out a laugh, and patted him comfortingly on the shoulder.

“No, no you didn’t,” he assured, tone coy.

Yuuri suspiciously peered at the fairy from over the tips of his fingers. Victor was smirking, his wings all but quivering in glee, and Yuuri just had to cover his face again.

“I’m not sure if I believe you.” He grunted, words half muffled against his palms. He didn’t move them until Victor carefully curled his fingers around Yuuri’s wrists and gently tugged his hands down and away from his face.

“Hi, I’m Victor.” He said, once Yuuri was willing to look him in the face. It made Yuuri blink in surprise, and snort out a laugh, unable to help himself.

“’Hi, I’m Victor’? Seriously?”

Victor scowled at him, shaking his hands reproachfully.

“Hey, at least I’m trying. Unlike a certain someone who watched me walk around his apartment for nearly six months before saying he could see me.”

Yuuri flushed enough at that that he could actually feel the heat radiating from his face. The reaction had Victor grinning with delight, going as far as to let go of one of Yuuri’s hands so he could poke a finger in Yuuri’s cheek playfully.

“Hey, stop that,” Yuuri found himself groaning, once he managed to get his face under control again. And once he managed to get a hand up to drag Victor’s fingers away from his face, too. “Hey. Victor!”

“You should be saying ‘Hi, I’m Yuuri,’ right about now,” Victor said helpfully, grin not moving an inch, playfully wriggling the fingers.

Yuuri sighed, and agreeably, if a little exasperatedly, parroted the words back.

The answering heart shaped grin and the ‘wow, amazing!’ he got in response made the situation a bit more bearable, at least. Only a bit, though.

Hey, at least he wouldn’t have to feel like a voyeur any more. And telling Mari about it would provide his sister with enough ammunition for the next few years that he suspected that he’d be able to get away with anything short of murder the next time he was in Hasetsu, now. Win-win.

*

Omake:

“No, but really, we’ve got to talk about that suit you stashed in my wardrobe – it’s even in my size!”

“Well, I’d been hoping I’d get to see you put it on. Wink wink, nudge nudge.”

“Victor, you absolute dork, you said that out loud.”

“Wink wink, nudge nudge.”

“And acting the words out while saying them doesn’t make you any less dorky.”

[samuraiisms]

 Mifune was a little intimidated by her smile, unsure of what it meant. But he did feel guilty as she went off to run drills, looking up at Toshiro. “Sir, I really mean it.” He insisted. “I-I know I’m gonna get roughed up a little during practice-”

“That’s not what it’s for Mifune.” Toshiro said, more gently. “Yua is just...she has a lot of expectations on her shoulders. As an older student, I should be able to trust her to educate younger ones effectively rather than through sheer force.” He nudged him to the group of younger boys. “Come on. We’ll find you a new partner-”

_____

Mifune had better luck with the other boys. But they were clearly not experts, and mostly it was just feeling out how it was to use the sword. Toshiro was diligent in watching over them, having them try and try again before bowing to each other at the end. “Alright. take a fifteen minute break and be ready to attend class in the main hall.”

Mifune volunteered to take the spare bokkens back to the storage room. One of the young boys with him gave him an encouraging pat. “Don’t worry! Everyone has to get the heel from Yua at some point. She’ll just leave you alone from now on, she doesn’t talk to anyone.”

“No one?”

It was hard to believe. From such a old and prestigious family as the Minamoto’s, and with such a reputation for strength, Mifune thought it meant instant popularity. Clearly not...

Passing through the snowy yard, he held all of the swords stacked neatly in his arms before catching sight of the older student finishing up drills. Laps in the yard, striking the training dummy, and lifting weights. Guilt still weighed on him, so he jogged over. “S-senpai!”

He was still very nervous, and still had a bit of an ache where she’d punched. But he was still contrite, bowing apologetically. “I’m very sorry for getting you in trouble.” He said sincerely. “I...uh...never really got to practice with anyone outside of Father and my big brother. And they were very easy on me because I’m the youngest son.” Watanuki teased him about it endlessly, but that wasn’t so bad.

(from samuraiisms) (first time meeting) "...." Mifune felt very intimidated being paired with the toughest girl in the city for his first spar, and it showed, the young boy practically trembling too hard to hold a sword. He hoped the rumors were just silly stories-

It was hard for Yua not to notice her sparring partner shaking in his boots. The boy was a picture-perfect example of fear, and she couldn't help but think that his fear had something to do with her.

"You know," she held her training sword firm in front of her, eyes locked on the boy. "Sparing usually includes actually attempting to attack your opponent. I don't recall there being anything in our training about cowering in our boots at an adversary."

Her words were harsh, but she hoped that they spurred her classmate into action. Even just a short match would be better than simply standing there waiting for something to happen.

[xtremedespair3d]

HajiKo Anime: Winter-Spring 2020 + Summer First Impressions

I wasn’t willing to return to Tumblr to keep making these posts about my anime reviews which they’re the only thing I make because I was burned out on making them and I wanted to commit on writing my novel but I ended up abandoning it now because I was frustrated with everything about it, from harsh criticism I didn’t ask for to not figuring out the story well enough.

Then I tried to keep my reviews going by making threads on Twitter, but later I wasn’t satisfied with how they turned out nor like writing them because I was feeling limited, and I was even debating on whether to keep the Twitter thread format going, returning to Tumblr or just simply tweet my tiers of every anime I watch, so what better way to keep this review series going? It’s to return to Tumblr because I really like reviewing anime and Tumblr has been the most comfortable space to make my reviews and giving it a new name, HajiKo Anime, as in my name I go on Twitter as Hajime Komaeda.

So, kept you waiting, huh?

I had a lot of stuff to do in my life to the point that it drives me totally insane to the point of questioning my will to live, and then there’s also the pandemic which everything gets delayed and cancelled, even upcoming anime!

The biggest problem with making my reviews is sometimes I have to force myself on commenting on other shows I don't have much thought on, only like few I have tons of feelings I want to express, so I really hope things will be any better once I’m back on Tumblr to make these reviews I liked doing.

By continuing to make these reviews by including my new tiers, let me remind how do I interpret the ranking tiers:

S: 10-9

A: 8

B: 7

C: 6-4

D: 3-1

E: 0

Let’s keep in mind that I wouldn’t give full reviews on literally everything I watch because sometimes I don’t have much thought on so I’ll just skip them, I make lengthy reviews on some shows because I genuinely have feelings on these shows, that was one of my struggles with my other reviews, some of them were forced but I promise I will only do lengthy reviews to some shows I have lots of thoughts to talk about.

First off with Winter which is looking qutie strong even for the beginning of the decade:

Winter 2020

(Higher resolution)

Ishuzoku Reviewers: Perhaps one of the best ecchi series I've ever watched in years to the point where the ecchi really gets near-hentai level... so much so it caused controversy for Funimation and Japanese television alike, with Funimation removing the license and cancelled the English dub due to its content, and the series being removed on Tokyo MX. Though I might say that I wouldn't go that far to consider this as the best ecchi series of all time because there are a couple of things I really hated about the show, it can be a little too biased on some fetishes, includes fetishes I’m not a fan of, etc. But still, I admire the show for taking risks by going beyond the limits of Japanese television.

ID: INVADED: This is the most surprising show I've ever seen this season, it may also happen to be somewhat underrated. How can a dying studio like NAZ produce something really well-animated for once? All thanks to Ei Aoiki. I'm not really much of an animation expert but I really hope there might be someone who will make an article saying "How Ei Aoki saved Studio NAZ with ID: INVADED."

BanG Dream season 3: This third season of Bandori is THE BEST Bandori season ever, this made me like RAS (RAISE A SUILEN) even more.

Eizouken: This was an interesting series about making anime that may or may not compete with SHIROBAKO, though even if they have the same theme of making anime, they're completely different in terms of setting. The animation, even from what I've seen with Masaaki Yuasa and Science Saru with Devilman Crybaby, surprisingly looks like the series was actually fully hand-drawn instead of Adobe Flash, though Adobe Flash is still present in the opening.

Isekai Quartet 2: This second season of Isekai Quartet was a huge letdown compared to its predecessor, my biggest deal breaker is how they wasted the Shield Hero characters into minor roles, they straight-up overhyped them. The last few episodes seemed like they were slowly redeeming themselves on making the Shield Hero characters have some more screentime. Now that the series got a third season, let’s see how they will handle the Shield Hero characters this time if they’ll truly become main character status to be shown on the OP and ED, or they continue to be minor characters on the classroom where most of the supporting and minor characters from the main isekai properties attend to. Also, at one episode there was this cameo of these two characters from a series called Cautious Hero, if they end up becoming actual main characters or something, I’m not even gonna bother binging the series just like I did with Shield Hero.

Nekopara: I was skeptical about this series, but upon watching the first episode alone, this is a very comfy series, but its existence and inclusion of original characters will always baffle me.

Honorable mentions:

Azur Lane The Animation: As of July 2020, I think I might have accepted the fact that a lot of people (At least the Western side of the AL fanbase) hate the anime and they say it sucks, I’m really spoiled about it and it sucks to feel that way. I’ve always been hype as hell when I was watching the series from the very beginning, it had all kinds of easter eggs and references I couldn’t stop pointing them out since I’m an avid Azur Lane player (JP version only), and the best part is that at one episode, it had a bath scene where in the Blu-Ray version, the whole scene happens to feature official animated nipples! Official Azur Lane nipples in official media! I wish this could happen very often, even official artists would occasionally draw their characters in full R-18, such as Sirius and Ark Royal. (NSFW, CLICK WITH CAUTION)

Sure, sometimes the series had some quality, especially at the end of episode 4, but that doesn’t make the series automatically garbage or anything. The Azur Lane anime is NOT GARBAGE, PERIOD. Got that?

If I had the time, I’d seriously love to rewatch the series (Using the BD rips of course) to prove everyone wrong.

In terms of the future of Azur Lane anime, as much as I’d love to see this get more seasons and even movies to beat Kancolle to the punch, we’re now getting an anime adaptation of the Twitter 4komas, well, at least that’s certainly something cool. With that being said, I bet people are gonna be like “This is way better than the main anime” which I won’t condone it like hell. Let me say it again, the main Azur Lane anime is not garbage.

Fate/Grand Order Babylonia: Long after watching the series when it was on the air, I’ve been thinking that this was probably okay, Babylonia is not my most favorite singularity throughout FGO because the previous ones deserve some respect and I’m biased to the Shinjuku singularity for obvious reasons. I do wish they would adapt pretty much every singularity but they’re tediously long that they need to make hundreds of anime of each, so they just happen to skip all that and decided to make a Babylonia series and the upcoming Camelot movies because they’re the most favorite. I don’t really buy it on why are they the most favorite, but okay.

My Hero Academia season 4 and My Hero Academia: Heroes Rising: Heroes Rising was probably the last movie I’ve seen going to the theater before the pandemic happened.

Castlevania season 3: For some reason I didn’t like this season as much as the first two (Unpopular opinion).

Phantasy Star Online 2: Episode Oracle: I was very skeptical throughout the first half of the season, but this second half was making me in high spirits, although I would still prefer the original PSO2 anime over this.

Moving on to Spring:

Spring 2020

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Fruits Basket: Fruits Basket continues to be an excellent series, balancing comedy and drama the way I like with the comedy always making me laugh and the drama always making me tense. (I don't wanna see or talk about EP9 ever again.)

Shin Sakura Wars The Animation: Sanzigen continues to deliver quite a lot even after BanG Dream! season 3, not only we get one but TWO shows this season. My main problem with Shin Sakura Wars The Animation is that they really must have abused the hand drawn parts so much, and this was a really frustrating problem that this should be A tier instead, but it was still quite good regardless, I love Sanzigen to death.

Watanuki-san Chi To: This was a neat second season and this makes me strongly believe that the Watanuki-san Chi series are the future of VTuber anime, or dorama as what the series is, and I’m still mad that there are still no subtitles for this, neither official subs nor fan subs.

My few complaints for Watanuki-san Chi To is that Ikuko's role that kinda takes Futaba's place a little too much since Futaba was working at a karaoke bar most of the time and Ikuko and Futaba had interacted on-screen like twice (or three if that ending from episode 3 counts) on episodes 5 and 12 (the final one). I'm hoping that we'll get more of the Watanuki sisters and Ikuko interacting together on-screen some more but I think things will be the same with Futaba continuing to work on the karaoke bar.

Then there’s episode 12 which was the episode where Ikuko leaves the Watanuki house after finding her real parents, the episode was kind of predictable as Ikuko returned and decided to stay with the Watanuki sisters afterwards. This is one of the few, if not, the first time that something definitely made me say and feel something was actually predictable, but not that I would hate on it or anything.

Another complaint I have for this entire season is that it lacked the crowd laughs the first season had, the first season felt like it was true a comedy and having no laughs this season gave an entirely different atmosphere and I wasn't very comfortable with it.

Despite the flaws, I give huge thumbs ups for what they did with the world and the characters, they finally happen to bring the characters from the audio drama played by various other VTubers, and we finally happen to explore outside of the world for a little bit between shots of the streets where Ikuko walked through at the beginning of the series and the karaoke bar, not just sticking to the Watanuki house over and over.

The best part of introducing the newer characters is that they finally showed male characters for once, one of which was Futaba's boyfriend, Kenji, who's sort of a recurring background character frequently mentioned in the first season, he happened to finally have his body revealed, but still no face reveal. And there was also this other male guest character in episode 3, he was interesting to say the least. Finally, something to make the series not sexist.

I wouldn't really consider myself as the most dedicated Western Watanuki-san Chi fan. As much as I'd like to call myself that, I don't really speak Japanese to understand the series some more and I would have to be a badass to actually make fansubs, some events happened in Japan, which I don't live in Japan, and I don't buy the merch, let alone the Blu-Rays and the audio dramas. The worst part about the audio dramas is they're purchasable on Pixiv Booth, which Pixiv doesn't really let me use my debit card (or might if I were to use my Wallet app or something). I for one wouldn't really consider myself as the ONLY person who watches the Watanuki-san Chi, I wouldn't be watching the series if it wasn't for the people who have been uploading torrents of every episode on Nyaa, there's a very niche amount of people who do watch the series.

(I probably shouldn’t talk too much about piracy related things and sites like Nyaa, and I try to make my review posts as formal as possible to stay away from such things, but I’m just an independent reviewer who makes these posts as a hobby, I’m not a big anime news site or anything and I can say whatever the fuck I want, so who cares?)

BanG Dream! Garupa Pico Ohmori and Welcome to the Japari Park season 2: These ones are definitely the absolute surprise and looks like things are definitely gonna get absolutely better. They both premiered between late April to early May, so they're kind of a special case.

Kaguya-sama season 2: I didn't get the first season as much, but this second season is finally making me feel better about the series. (Probably because when I binged the first season, I multitasked and get occasionally distracted, that's why I didn't get it at first)

Argonavis from BanG Dream: This one's quite an interesting series. Not as good as the mainline female-centric series, but as a self-contained universe, it's pretty good on its own. It even handles topics that the base series won't even do, like music industry and money. Although Chuchu is probably the closest thing we experience when she's a music producer character of sorts but she's more entitled to her own band, money is a far more important issue the series doesn't want ot tackle, and Argonavis does it right.

The only thing that almost ruined the series is the unnecessarily dark final episode where the entire episode was basically Banri passing out after doing their debut performance in Destiny Rock Festival and Argonavis were having a hard time about what to do if something were to happen with Banri and they made a song dedicated to him afterwards. Episode 12 should have been the final episode, we didn’t need to see a rollercoaster episode, this should be played out more as an OVA, but I digress. This isn’t the weakest or the worst finale but it’s seriously unnecessary.

Now I just hope the second season makes the other bands teased in the last few episodes become regulars, just like how the first season of the female Bandori where they teased a lot of the other bands, and then from season 2 onwards, the other bands have become regulars. I just really hope they'll make the other bands from Argonavis be full CG because they were all hand drawn for some reason,  and I also need season 4 of main female Bandori series so bad so they can introduce Morfonica which in anime format they're introduced in the Garupa Pico Ohmori series.

Brand New Animal: It partially is because BNA starts with B, but he main reason is that I thought it was alright, and as a Netflix series that I can binge in one run, it's easily forgettable. Not the weakest of TRIGGER, but I feel rather indifferent with this.

Princess Connect ReDive: This was my absolute least favorite of Spring, I couldn't stress enough on how much of a Konosuba wannabe this is, it's such a poor imitation and I wish the actual game wasn't this ridiculously bad. From the over-the-top wacky tone to goofier background character designs and a very retarded MC. I don't know why but I thought this would be a simple way to get into Princess Connect without getting into the game because I see fan arts a lot, and Japan apparently seems to like this, as evidence with the fan arts and as much as I would like to like this more because of it, it just didn’t work for me, the animation is alright, though. At least this is way better than the NOT Shadowverse anime.

I got a comment from someone saying that the Konosuba influence comes from the director of the Puriconne series and this series serves to introduce the game as an original story for non-Puriconne players without touching any major plot points.

And finally let’s talk about my first impressions to all the shows I’m watching this Summer season:

Fire Force season 2: I was hoping this season can be a little bit better animated than the first, but upon the first episode of this season alone the terrible pacing is still there, but then the second episode, things get really interesting. The story is the main thing that will keep me intrigued for the rest of the series.

Dokyuu Hentai HxEros: The first time I heard about this series was when I retweeted and saving a Suketto Sanjou-related picture by artist Rakko where he hid a reply where someone posted a link to the Amazon page of the upcoming volume of the manga of HxEros (which the manga is not by Rakko and this is totally unrelated, what the hell was the guy who made the reply thinking?), that was a little while before I heard that this was getting animated.

At first I was 50/50 on watching it or not, but I saw the news that there’ll be this “H Energy Unleashed” version, which is the “uncensored” version and that sold me, but I continue to be unsure on watching it, that is until the day of the premiere where I was randomly seeing screenshots of the episode on my timeline, particularly scenes where the girl Kirara was completely naked, and I was absolutely sold on it and decided to watch it, and after doing so, I kinda dig it.

However, I dislike Kirara because of how she is. It makes me feel bad for how she used to be when she was a kid during some flashbacks where she was a dirty minded girl to present day where she’s a hardcore tsundere hiding her horniness, the way she is, it really makes me hard to empathize with her. She’s pretty cute and hot too.

Re:Zero season 2: It feels weird having a second season of Re:Zero considering it’s been 4 years since the first season came out, and after watching the first episode, now I just feel unprepared.

Oregairu season 3: While I was watching the episode, I was randomly reminiscing some memories and characters I remember from the first two seasons and who do I like, which I kinda like most characters, but Komachi is my least favorite because she constantly says “gross” to poor Hachiman, geez.

Uzaki-chan: This was a pretty solid series and this is definitely being AOTS. However, recently I found something very hilarious that I’m dying to talk about.

Remember the time when there was a controversy from an SJW where they criticized the Uzaki-chan Japanese Red Cross poster because of her big boobs? Well, that’s a separate story, but things with Uzaki-chan gets more laughable, as I stumbled upon this tweet a few days ago and...

Anime News Network gave the first episode a 1.5 star review?!

Holy jesus... What is that?! What the fuck is that?!

Yikes, Anime News Network are a bunch of clowns!

I’m really glad ANN is getting the hate it deserves, I just don’t like ANN when they do reviews, I never liked them since their discussion post on Netsuzou Trap and then episode 0 of Saekano season 2.

All that aside, this series is going to be quite a fun ride.

This Summer season could have been strong if only Akudama Drive and Danmachi season 3 weren’t delayed, but that’s for the better as Fall 2020 is looking like it’s the strongest season of the year, and you’ll find out why in September.

And that’s it for all my reviews! I really hope you enjoyed my biased reviews and I can’t wait to continue to make these reviews just like I used to. Also, let me address that I don’t make money from making these reviews, I only write these posts for fun.

Anyways, see you in Fall 2020 for my review for this Summer season and what am I gonna watch in Fall!

Check out my Carrd.

[completeoveranalysis]

TRC Translation notes Volume 18 (Chapters 133 - 140)

Even more incredible translation notes from the wonderful @giniroangou? I got you covered!

Highlights include: acid punk chapter cover mysteries finally solved, soul/body separation foreshadowing, oaths!, Lantis and co. actually becoming competent, character motivations making sense, intentional ambiguities, fun chess vibes, and Sakura’s heart breaking in slow motion.

Chapter 133

Cover page - Per the art book commentary, the panels in this picture were intended to be things the characters either threw away or decided they no longer want.

p.8 - The word “kokoro” comes back here, this time translated as “mind.” The description of Sakura’s body as a “vessel” is from the original text. There’s definitely been a theme of the mind/heart/soul being a separate (though not necessarily unconnected) entity from the body running through both the plotline and the language the characters use.

p.10 - As in previous scenes, the original text preserves the distinction between the two Syaorans by only placing Lava Lamp’s name in quotation marks.

p.14-15 - There were no exclamation points in these lines originally, which I feel implies more of a defeated tone.

p.19 - Yuuko’s line here isn’t necessarily about creation, though it could be interpreted that way. In the original text it’s, “For the sake of two futures.”

p.20 - Yuuko says that it is both the price Lava Lamp and the others paid, as well as their hearts (“kokoro” again) that will ensure Watanuki doesn’t vanish.

p.24 - The wording in the translation was a little confusing, but I think the concept got across. Just in case, Yuuko explains here that worlds are able to endure precisely because everything maintains a balance. If a world loses that balance, it will fall apart.

Chapter 134

p.35 - Sakura’s lines have been mistranslated here. She’s asking if Fai is hiding what he really wants to do because she said she was going to go. Essentially she’s worried that Fai is prioritizing her desires over his own, that he would have made a different choice without her influence.

p.36 - The original nuance is a little different in a couple of Fai’s lines. He says to Sakura, “I’m a wizard who can’t even heal your wounds, but will you allow me to stay with you?” As a side note: the English “wizard” is the actual word Fai uses to refer to himself - it’s written in katakana as the reading above the kanji for “majutsushi”/“mage.” (I feel like this has come up before, but… it’s been a while.)

p.37 - Just to clarify how this line appears in Japanese, “My only Princess” is written in kanji in a much more formal manner than Fai would normally use (我が唯一の姫君) with the reading above in katakana as “Vi la princia” (ヴイ・ラ・プリンシア). Additionally, the entire phrase is in quotation marks, enhancing the impression that it is an established oath of some sort.

p.38 - Kurogane could be referring to one thing or to multiple things that have changed - the word in Japanese is non-specific.

p.39 - I’m not sure why there’s a “But” in front of Kurogane’s line in this translation, since this follows directly off of his line from the previous page. It should be more along the lines of, “I guess it’s okay to make more than one promise.”

Chapter 135

p.51 - Sakura’s thank you feels super extreme in the official translation, but originally all she said here was, “Thank you.”

p.53 - The promise Fuuma mentions is presented in contrast/in addition to the jobs he does for Yuuko - after describing his payment process to her he says, “Well, I made another promise too, though.”

I interpreted Fuuma’s last line here not as a reference to the needs of the group, but to the fact that they’re probably going to have a hard time getting Sakura’s feather back from Seishirou.

p.62 - Yuuko says she’s going to purify the egg before she passes it on.

p.65 - Yuuko isn’t talking about a single unchanging feeling here, but saying that people’s true feelings cannot be changed.

Chapter 136

p.74-76 - Fun fact: The “READY…. GO!!” on these pages was originally written in English.

p.79 - Eagle remarks that BOTH Sakura and her pieces are incredible. The word for piece is written with the kanji used for shougi and chess pieces and the like (駒) but the reading is given in katakana as the English word “piece” (ピース).

p.81 - The point Geo’s making here should be that all three “pieces” DON’T seem to be amateurs.

p.82 - After pointing out Fai’s defensive technique, I’m fairly certain Lantis is saying that it seems unlikely Fai has always fought in that style.

P.84 - Lantis doesn’t describe them as “useful,” but as “masters” (of fighting).

Chapter 137

p.97 - The translation covers this up a bit, but Fai’s first line here is expositional - he’s just saying that they know there’s a feather in this world, not really asking about it. He is also still referring to Syaoran as “Syaoran-kun,” they just missed the honorific in the English version.

p.110 - I just want to drop another quick reminder here about Lava Lamp’s speech style, because the translation doesn’t do it justice at all. What’s been translated as “You too. Please get some sleep yourself,” was not actually a polite request. Lava Lamp refers to Kurogane directly as “you” (“anata”) and ends his sentence in a casual imperative (“yasundekure”). Despite the father/son vibe in the preceding scene, he speaks to Kurogane as an equal.

p.111 - Once again, there are quotation marks around Kurogane’s name when Fai says it, so it’s even more in-your-face in the Japanese version than the italics of the official translation.

Chapter 138

p.115 - Fai’s line is a bit less clear-cut in the original text. This is another case where there are no pronouns used, so from the line itself you can’t tell whether he’s speaking for himself alone or not and you also can’t tell whether he’s vowing to keep the whole group from getting hurt vs, say, just Sakura. However you choose to take this line is up to the context of the scene and how you view Fai as a character in this moment.

p.116 - Clow doesn’t ask if Sakura is looking at the ruins - she offers that information herself.

p.117 - Sakura’s description of the ruins is a little different in her original line - she says that there may be precious items from the country’s past buried there. (The word she uses for what might be buried is “mono,” which could be either singular or plural, but plural seems the most logical in this situation.)

p.118 - The word that’s been translated as “that special someone” is “daisuki na hito” in Japanese, which can mean, “The person you love,” but also alternatively, “Someone you love.” It doesn’t necessarily imply a romantic partner.

p.121 - A couple little tweaks here: The word “eye” has quotation marks around it in the original text. It could potentially be plural or singular, but given the context and the quotes singular seems more appropriate. Clow doesn’t specifically say anything about a message, just an inability to reach (so this could refer to a message, but also to feelings, to someone reaching out for something, etc.) He speaks only of a desire to protect, rather than a need or the actual act occurring: “But even so, you want to protect (insert missing pronoun here).” Basically, Japanese is the ideal language for a scene like this, because its ambiguity gives many of these lines a versatility they don’t have in English and allows them to apply to multiple situations at once, as you discussed in your liveblog.

p.123 - Again, the implication that protection is an obligation wasn’t in the original text. Lava Lamp is stating what it is he’d decided: To protect no matter what.

p.124 - Another punctuation tonal shift here: instead of “Sakura!” this was originally “.... Sakura.”

p.127 - Fai’s original line is a bit less flippant than the translated version, just, “Those look like they’d be painful if you hit them.”

Chapter 139

p.141 - “Becoming lost” is one way to translate this line, but it might be more natural to say that Sakura is hesitating or wavering.

Chapter 140

p.161 - Just for fun: the original text on this page is kind of wild aesthetically. “Checkmate” is written in katakana, what’s been translated as “black team” is just the word “black” written in kanji with katakana above it giving the reading as “black” in English, and then “WIN!” entirely in English.

p.162 - Fai’s lines on this page are spoken with more certainty - he’s not supposing, just stating facts. He describes Lava Lamp’s experiences as, “He’s lived through the same days as Syaoran-kun.”

p.169 - Significantly (maybe?) there shouldn’t be any quotation marks when Mokona says “Syaoran” here. It feels less alienating this way.

p.170 - Kurogane actually asks if Mokona is planning to drink the whole thing, bottle and all. I-is she trying to send it to Yuuko?

p.171 - Sakura’s line here isn’t, “I know!” but “.... I know.” (Once again, I’m not mentioning nearly all of these punctuation differences, but when they seem to drastically change the tone I can’t help pointing them out.)

p.172 - A couple of Sakura’s lines were changed in the translation. She originally says that even if Lava Lamp served as Syaoran’s basis, she knows that “just like those we’ve met in various worlds up until now, his appearance is the same but he’s a different person.”

p.173-174 - Since this was apparently confusing (and partially mistranslated) Sakura says here that each time she sees similarities between Lava Lamp and Syaoran (and there are many) she can’t handle it. Each time she notices these things she can’t help lamenting that the person in front of her isn’t her Syaoran.

[settana]

Doumeki’s Lust in xxxHOLIC Rou Adayume (Selfish Dream)

Cages wanting to trap him, hands wanting to grab him, mouths trying to devour him, shadows wanting to possess him…  Dreams are a reflection of innermost desires of your mind.

Yes, we know Haruka.

I’ve recently re-watched xxxHolic Rou Adayume (literally translated as xxxHolic Cage: Selfish Dream) and noticed how I felt more disturbed during Doumeki’s nightmare scene than the first time I watched it. At first, I thought it had been Watanuki trying to run from danger but that didn’t fit why he looked quite disturbed when talking to Haruka afterwards. Also, why was the OAD titled ‘Selfish Dream’? That could only mean Doumeki’s dream was selfish. But Doumeki and selfishness don’t go together, right? 

For me, the initial talk Haruka gave about selfish human hearts and the nightmare scene revealed the whole picture: Doumeki lusted after Watanuki but he knew his desires were selfish since acting upon them would be detrimental to Watanuki’s future. So, the later had to enter his nightmare and free himself from Doumeki’s selfish desires.

Allow me to explain why I believe it was ‘lust’.

At the start of the OAD, Haruka (out of the blue) says the following:

“Human hearts are selfish. They prioritize what they want over everything; even reason”. We can be sure Haruka told this to Shizuka when he was little and at the start of the dream he remembers how his grandparent often told him things he didn’t understand because of his immaturity. 

It would be safe to deduct that Haruka knew about his grandson’s fate encountering Watanuki and how it would affect him. I won’t go into details about the scenes with Watanuki but rather what he desired.

Doumeki and Watanuki (despite their fighting) are close and they do care for each other but it appeared as if Doumeki wanted more. However, if he were to have a relationship with Watanuki, he would die and Watanuki would remain alone. He knows Watanuki needs not only a human companion but also his spiritual energy and having descendants would solve the problem. 

This moment in xxxHolic Shunmuki was so precious because we can see both Doumeki and Kohane worried for Watanuki and promising themselves that they won’t let him be alone:

So, problem solved. Doumeki can still see Watanuki at the shop, hang out with him, tease him, eat his delicious cooking, and so on, and he will bring descendants that will take care of his friend. Doumeki knows what needs to be done and how to do it, so everything should be alright.

Except that it isn’t because that’s not what he wants.

The dream ends with Yuuko telling Doumeki not to hesitate. Then, we can see the following:

- A black viscous liquid flowing down 

Tears? Maybe I might be looking too much into it, but that could be a subconscious and metaphorical representation of sad, bitter tears. Maybe Doumeki was suppressing his tears.

- The black liquid forming a cage

It wants to trap something…

- The buildings breaking down

Doumeki’s walls are breaking down, his inner self is breaking down, the barrier he built up to hold himself is breaking down. Doumeki himself is breaking down. Note that before this scene, we see the black liquid on tree trunks, which represent a person’s stability.

- The remnants of the broken building trying to trap down Watanuki

He wants him for himself.

- Two moons aggressively joining together

This was subtle but disturbing when you see that after joining a window is broken. Joining together… something breaking…Something dripping out of where it broke… Do I need to be explicit here?

- A timid hand suddenly turning ferocious trying to grab him

This is where things stopped being so subtle. It appears as a strong desire to touch him. Which is disturbing considered what happened above. 

- A wall trying to trap Watanuki and a hand grabbing him

Once again, the desire to possess and touch him. This hand is more straightforward than the first one. After being grabbed, he is observed by two red eyes. Red is the color of lust, so it is possible that he is been seen with that desire. 

- Another hand trying to grab him

This is the third attempt. This time, this hand is much more aggressive. 

- A mouth trying to devour him

We’ve seen hands, now a mouth with fiery teeth. In foreplay, touching and kissing are essential parts, so now that we’ve seen desire to touch, we can see sexual desires linked with the mouth. I won’t go into many details since I want to keep it PG13. Also, the sharp teeth and the fact that he swallowed Watanuki can be seen as possessiveness as well.

- A mouth and deformed hands trying to grab him

Doumeki’s entire him wanting to possess Watanuki.

- The color ‘black’ through the entire dream

You don’t need to go through a spiritual school to know that black represents the opposite of purity when talking about energy. I am not going to tell you that sexual desire is bad, hence, it is black, since it is an essential part of human nature. However, Doumeki’s desire was shown as black, the most dangerous color of all.

This is because Doumeki has a pure aura and tries to do whatever is the right thing to do. We’ve seen how selfless he is through the entire series. We know that if he were to feel something for someone, he would like his beloved to be safe even if he himself is unhappy. 

Remember this?

Doumeki chose to “kill” her because Watanuki would be safe, even if Doumeki himself would be unhappy since Watanuki would hate him.

This is the kind of person Doumeki is: noble and purer in heart than most human beings but still not a saint.

So, we knew during xxxHolic that Doumeki cared about Watanuki but what we didn’t expect was for him to have other desires. He knows he must get rid of them, because acting upon his desires would be selfish and would make Watanuki unsafe. 

So now what Haruka said at the start of the OAD makes more sense:

So, it is not about Doumeki feeling regret of loving Watanuki and having to hold that feeling due to marriage. You can marry but love another person and be close to them, and we know that Doumeki and Watanuki are close as they spend a lot of time together. Or, Doumeki could love Watanuki as his closest friend. But this is not the case.

In Horitsuba Gakuen Drama CD 4, Doumeki grabs Watanuki’s chest under his shirt and claims that it was subconscious, while Kurogane wonders if it is ok to broadcast such a scene. Even if it is another universe, we are talking about the same Doumeki. And while that scene might have been played for laughs, it is still a weird “joke” to do for someone as Doumeki.  

This is why I believe the love Doumeki wants is the one belonging to a couple, which involves intimacy in both body and soul. Once married, Doumeki knows that he won’t have that kind of relationship as he must respect marriage vows and is his duty to keep Watanuki safe regardless of his own happiness. After all, he has given so much to keep Watanuki safe. His life revolves around him.

He knows his human heart is selfish, he knows his desires are wrong, so this is why they are painted in black and shown as vicious spirits. When Watanuki frees himself, he is finally able to move on with his duty, probably the one that was destined for him since birth that Haruka wanted to make sure his grandson properly fulfilled: keep Watanuki safe.

[kurogabae]

i’m on an angst kick and memory loss!AU calls to me like no other

“Oh! Miss Caldina was right!” Sakura cried in delight, pulling Syaoran along with her. “The city skyline is beautiful at night!”

There was no arguing it. The shimmering lights of the modern city were breathtaking from their vantage point at some tourist sightseeing cliff face. They were a few miles out and had a great view of the impossibly tall buildings and all their dancing lights, like stars stolen from right out of the sky. Since losing his memories, Kurogane had been to many cities like this one, but he’d never seen any the way they were seeing this one now. He found himself hoping he wouldn’t have to forget this one day as well. 

Hanging back, he watched Syaoran, Sakura, and Mokona lean on the safety railing, gazing out at the skyline in awe. Sakura and Syaoran’s fingers were comfortably intertwined with each other and upon noticing Kurogane felt that inexplicable, powerful pang of satisfaction, like one would feel after a hard job well done. He knew that the two kids -- young adults really, old enough to think about settling down by his wager -- had had to fight tooth and nail for the happiness they enjoyed now, and Kurogane was sure he had played some part in all of that, but he couldn’t imagine it would have been enough to warrant such a reaction.

“It’s nice, isn’t it?” Fai said beside him. “Seeing them so happy. You don’t remember, but I know you love them and want them happy all the same,” he added with a sly smile. 

Kurogane didn’t see anything to deny about what Fai had said. “How does it make you feel?”

Fai shrugged. “I don’t think I’ll ever have words for it,” he admitted, and Kurogane could understand the feeling. “Some days I still wake up and think this might have all been a dream.”

Even now, months after waking to the unfamiliar faces of people who claimed to love him, he still knew next to nothing about Fai, where he had come from before joining their small, traveling family, or who he’d been to all over them in their early days of travel. He knew there was a lot of pain hiding in the past, especially where Fai was concerned, but Kurogane wanted to know, even if he’d never really remember.

“Don’t suppose you’re ever going to tell me why you feel that way,” Kurogane said, trying to make it sound offhanded. 

The smile Fai gave him was sad but honest. “You don’t want to know those things,” he said. “They only hurt, and they’re behind us.”

“You told me before, didn’t you?” he pressed, latching on to Fai’s train of thought. He didn’t know why it was so important to him that he know Fai’s past as well as their shared past. Kurogane was not a man that cared about where people came from, it was more important where they were going, but it just wouldn’t stop niggling him. “Why won’t you tell me now?”

Something painful came over Fai’s face and for a moment his eyes for focused somewhere far away from Kurogane. “I never told you,” he finally admitted. “You were shown by someone else.”

The flatness of Fai’s voice was enough to have Kurogane drop the subject. It wasn’t that important.

-- 

Kurogane’s nightmares were things of smoke and fire, the air was always filled with screams and ash and he could feel himself burning away inside and out. Everything would be red and he would be calling names, looking for familiar faces, praying that when he met their eyes they were still looking back at him.

He had never had a nightmare about snow before, where the silence was more deafening than anything he’d heard from a demon. There was no red -- fire or blood or evil eyes glowing through the smoke and shadow. In fact, there was no color at all. Grey was all there was, shades of it. This nightmare was different than all the others, except for one thing.

He was still burning.

It was cold, though. The burn was not fever or flames, but ice creeping into emptiness. It was a sense of complete hopelessness overwhelming him, burning away everything that he was until all that was left was a husk of a person. It was terrifying. He tried to scream, to call for help, but he had no strength, he could only lay there in the snow and let the grey surround him and swallow him and erase him.

He couldn’t give up, but he couldn’t fight. He needed help, he needed to help...

... to help... someone... some...one...

Kurogane felt the scream more than heard it as he jerked awake. When he opened his eyes the suffocating world of his nightmare was gone and it was replaced by blue. 

“Fai.”

“Yeah, it’s me, Kuro-sama,” Fai said. He looked worried, bordering terrified really. He was gripping Kurogane’s arms tightly and was all but sitting in his lap, both of them tangled in Kurogane’s bed sheets as if there had been a struggle.

Slowly, it dawned on him that Fai must have been trying to wake him up. “What was I-”

“You were calling my name,” Fai said. That look was back again, the one that was sad because of something Kurogane didn’t remember. It didn’t make him as angry as it used to, but Kurogane knew it would always hurt to see. Fai loosened his grip on Kurogane’s arms. It was still dark outside and Kurogane hoped he hadn’t woken the children with his ridiculous screaming. “What were you dreaming about?”

Sighing, he sat up more and didn’t shoo Fai off his lap, taking comfort from the warm weight of his friend. “I don’t know,” he said truthfully. “It was jumbled. Everything was cold and covered in snow, and I was alone and trapped even though there weren’t any chains I-- I knew I was trapped.”

The harder he thought about the dream the more he could remember about it. It was the first time in months memories were coming back to him when he chased after them, so he didn’t let up. In his lap, Fai was silent.

“It was a punishment,” he continued slowly, the worlds coming as realizations. It was like a memory that wasn’t his emerging from the haze that constantly clouded swaths of his mind. “A punishment for something we hadn’t even done.”

He paused when he realized there had been a second person there. In the tower, so far away and just as alone. There had been other people too. “There were corpses. People who had been killed, thrown in as punishment as well.”

Suddenly, flashes of it all came rushing at Kurogane. Two young boys, innocent and frightened and helpless. Unfairness and blame, bodies raining from the sky. A dark man who spokes twisted words of half truths and lies. The need for help. The need to help... the one he had needed to help in the dream, the one in the tower. The reason he had been calling for Fai.

“You’re not Fai,” Kurogane said, his voice disturbingly plain for the realization. “That isn’t your name.”

Chancing a look up he saw unshed tears shimmering in blue eyes. 

“You never met him,” he said. “My brother died when we were still young.”

Kurogane reached out a hand, slowly, as if he were reaching out to a wounded animal, and wiped away the tears with no small amount of reverence. “I know.”

Fai had stayed the rest of the night with him, neither of them had gotten any more sleep, but they hadn’t spoken any more either. Memories continued to accost Kurogane throughout the night and by morning his head was pounding and his mood was foul. When Mokona summoned Watanuki he let Fai do all the talking.

“Why does he remember those things?” Fai hissed. Perhaps they should have left this to the kids. “Of all the slip ups you could have made, you had to leave him with my scars?”

For his part, Watanuki did look wholly apologetic, possibly even a bit heartbroken, but Kurogane had a hard time feeling charitable at the moment. He was with Fai on this. If he was going to remember something from his past travels why this? Why not something kinder? Or at least more useful?

“They aren’t his memories,” Watanuki said after Sakura had ushered Fai to the side. “They’re yours, Fai-san, and so they were not his to give as payment. They will remain with him.”

There was not much to be said after that. Watanuki exchanged a few words with Syaoran and Sakura before Mokona disconnected and all eyes were on Kurogane and Fai, but the two adults were already retreating and none of them were surprised.

The morning sunlight shining through Kurogane’s bedroom window betrayed the mood surround he and Fai. He didn’t want to talk about this, but he wanted these memories hanging between them even less. 

“You intended to kill me,” he said without preamble. 

“We all see how good a job I did with that,” Fai said and Kurogane almost laughed. From would-be assassin to would-be husband. It was a bit funny. Or it would be in a few days after he had some time to let all of this new information settle into his world view. 

He could tell, knew it in his gut, that Fai had never actually made an attempt at his life. Kurogane knew it like he knew his own name. Fai had been right the other night, though. He hadn’t wanted to know any of those things. The pain of Fai’s memories had begun filling in the empty spaces left by Kurogane’s missing ones. It ached and raged in his chest, made all the worse by the knowledge that he was separated by those responsible by so many years and worlds. The only comfort he had in this was the knowledge that everyone person who had hurt Fai was now dead.

Kurogane had more questions, but he wasn’t sure if either of them were able to handle the answers without breaking after the morning they had just had. No for the first time, and certainly not for the last, Kurogane cursed the fates. 

“Well,” Fai finally said. “Know you know everything.”

He’d been wrong. He wasn’t able to handle anything more right now without breaking. Unfortunate. 

“What the hell do you mean?” he snapped, rounding on Fai in an instant. “I don’t know anything!”

Fai stared up at him with a mix of disbelief and frustration and opened his mouth to speak, but Kurogane wasn’t finished. 

“All I know is how you’ve suffered,” he said, voice low and rumbling with fury. “I don’t know anything of your life, of our life.” He saw the understanding slowly dawning on Fai’s face as he spoke. “You speak of how this all feels like a dream sometimes, but you never tell me why. You’ve told me you love me, but you won’t tell me why.”

He wanted to understand Fai, but in hiding his pain so steadfastly he’d hidden everything from Kurogane. How was he supposed to find the man he had once loved if Fai kept him hidden all the time...

[doumekiss]

reconstruction (xxxholic fanfic)

Watanuki, Doumeki, Himawari // G // 1600 words // Fix Fic - POV second person What if Doumeki had used the egg to erase Watanuki’s memories of Yuuko ?

You don’t ask Doumeki what he wants for luch that day or the day after that. That’s an effort, it’s hard to spend the day without this and making food for him was not just something you did to make up for his many rescues but also a part of your routine that you reluctantly liked. He doesn’t seem to expect you to do however, he doesn’t come to ask what you did for him and when you say you don’t want to talk to him for a while he obeys. It was strange you always told him to leave you alone but he could always see when you really meant it. You cook just for yourself and you can taste your food again and feel as something bigger than just a matter of taste. You’re real, you can feel, you’re part of this world, the cost was great but everything is on the right track again. . . . Mokona and Kudakitsune will live with you in the apartment, not Maru and Moro however, they stay in the shop asleep until someone with enough power takes charge of the place. You ask Mokona to tell you how Tsubasa and the others traveling with the other Mokona are, and he does. You think you would feel if something was really wrong with Tsubasa, your souls are different, or became different, but your existence is connected with his and it will be like that until one of you two dies. You and this Mokona are probably the most similar beings in this aspect living in this universe. You also ask him to tell you a bit more about the Dimensional Witch. That makes him hesitate. You remember that one day you found a store and found someone there who said they could help you stop seeing the ayakashis in exchange for a certain amount of service. You remember the cases, the people you helped, and the people you weren’t able to save. But you don’t really remember her, her face or her voice, or the things she made you feel. Now there was a big hole in the place where there was something of great value before, something you had been willing to give up the whole world for the possibility of perhaps having again one day. . . . Himawari comes to visit you at your apartment over the weekend and this is a surprise, she has never done it before and you can see the reason why she thought it safe to do it there at the end of the hall. Doumeki doesn’t ask to enter with her and a part of you wanted him to do it just to say that you won’t allow it and knock the door in his face. But you allow yourself to ignore your anger for a moment, Himawari was there and this always makes the world seem a little better, a little softer. You wonder if the Dimensional Witch used to make you feel something similar. You both sit on the tip of the futton so as not to disturb Mokona and Kudakitsune who are both sleeping there. “So what do I owe the honor of your visit?” You ask. “I just wanted to see how you are, how you’re processing everything” “The idiot in the hall who asked you to come and ask me that?” “No, I came because I wanted to. Although I’m sure he’s also worried, he really loves you… you know that right? ” You don’t answer that, you decide to change the subject. “I made cake yesterday and I could make you some tea, would you like that?” “Yes, sure” “Well, you can stay here and I’ll be right back” When the water starts boiling Himawari appears at the kitchen door. “Watanuki-kun” “Yes ?” “Your computer was on and I noticed the page you were on” Oh, shit  you think. “Sakura Kinomoto, is she who I think she is?” “Yes, she is the Sakura of this universe” “Your mother” “I’m not sure if I can really call her that, or even anyone like that. I couldn’t see her face before but I remembered her hand so clearly on my forehead when I was sick and she calling me Kimihiro, but now I don’t think these things really happened and if they happened they happened to Tsubasa and I just mixed  things that happened to him about me, and it’s because of him that they sacrificed themselves, not for me. I am not their son, I am not a person, I am a side effect ” “Maybe it’s your memories, you told me that everything about your childhood and your time before coming here is confusing and complicated. Are you absolutely sure you’ve never interacted with her? ” “No” “And you know even if you haven’t had a mother you’re still a person, and you have relationships that are definitely real, I love you, Doumeki loves you, Kohane loves you. You’re here, you’re real ” “Thank you” “I’d hug you now if I could” “I know” . . . In the days after the end of that part of your life you were still passing by the shop after school, the place seemed cold and empty. But not today, you can hear the sound of Maru and Moro playing in the garden and when you arrived near the gate there was someone there blocking the passage. You suppose that most people would find you two alike, he was just a little shorter tha you, and but he had dark hair, blue eye and glasses. But the biggest difference was a serene arrogance that had never been present on your face. And also power, of a type you had never met before but one that you could recognize. “You’re Clow” “Wrong, I’m just a reincarnation and only half really. My name is Eriol ” “No disrespect, but your previous incarnation complicated my life and the lives of many people I care about” “Yes, that was the kind of thing he used to do. If that makes any difference, he felt sorry for everything, and so do I ” “It doesn’t. But I think there is nothing to be done now. So you’re the new owner of the store? ” “Oh no, she is” Only then you notice that there is a redheaded woman sitting on the porch looking gently at you. “Hi, my name is Kimihiro Watanuki, I worked for the former owner of this shop and I would like to offer you my services” The woman came to you and took your hand. “Nice to meet you Watanuki-kun, my name is Kaho Mizuki and I’m araid I can not accept your offer” “Why not?” “Payment. Your services would be too valuable for me to pay, and any desire you have is not one that I can grant it. ” “So what am I supposed to do now?” “Go live your life I guess” . . . You weren’t sure where you were going until you got there, but when you arrived you marched into the temple as if you were 100% centain on everything. You found Doumeki in the yard sweeping the leaves, he stopped when he saw you. “I want to talk to you asshole,” you announced. “Allright. Speak” “You had no right to do what you did. I was already forgetting a lot of things, I didn’t even remember the faces of my parents. It was selfish of you to ignore my desires of what I wanted to do with my life and my mind ” Doumeki kept looking at you for a long time, and when you were about to yell at him and ask him if he had nothing to say he said, “You’re right. I didn’t just do it for you, I did it for myself too. Because I wanted you living in the world  ” “This isn’t an apology” “No, it’s not. And you will not get one from me. Not when it comes to this. If you’re going to hate me for what I did I can live with that, but I do not regret anything and I will not apologize ” You can feel your anger boiling, and you leave without saying goodbye. You keep arguing with him in your mind on the way to the supermarket and also back home, and in the kitchen making the snacks for tomorrow, you don’t remember your dreams that night you’re almost sure you were fighting with him in those too . You’re waiting for him in front of his class room when the lunch bell rings and you place the wrapping you made in his hands.

He seems surprised by the sight of you. “What is this?” He asks. “A bento and some other things. But before you start eating I want you to be aware that you don’t deserve this delicious bento or the pleasure of my company and also of Himawari-chan. However I in my infinite generosity decided to take pity on your pathetic self and allow you to continue lunching with us until graduation, and only because there are only a few months left for this and soon I will not have any reason to have you in my life again and - Hey! I’d told you not to start eating before I finish! ” You two walk side by side to your usual lunch place, Himawari is there waiting, and when she sees that you two are together her smile, which is always beautiful, shines brighter than ever. You sit down and you three eat together until the bell rings again. The world feels like it’s in the right place, and for once so do you.

Also available on ao3 

[dainarps]

Oh. Oh goodness. Really?

Watanuki’s already pale skin paled even further and his mouth hung open as he tried to figure out a way to apologize. How insensitive could he have been?! Sure, this guy hadn’t actually been polite to him, but that didn’t mean he should be this nasty in return. Some people didn’t mind talking about their deaths, but for others it was a sensitive subject, as was clearly the case for this guy.

Or, at least that’s what he thought.

“You were joking?! Who jokes about something like that! What’s the matter with you?!” Watanuki threw his arms up in exasperation, quite ready to continue on with his tirade of how completely cruel and moronic something like that was, and how that guy should really be more sensitive to how the subject of death was treated. He didn’t have the chance, though, as the two young girls from before came for him again, seemingly taking place as his guide. When he looked back through the doorway, the rude guy was gone.

“Oh, ah, no, you shouldn’t apologize. I’m the one who’s imposing. This is wonderful, thank you,” he said. He decided to swallow back the upcoming word vomit about how he was actually feeling quite irritated thanks to that guy, but he was really trying here. Fay had saved him and taken him off the street — Watanuki would be lost and alone if it weren’t for him. He still had...quite a few questions, but that probably wasn’t appropriate anymore. Fay had dodged his questions in the car for a reason, and really, Watanuki didn’t need to know what these people were. They were helping him, and they were (for the most part) kind. That was more than enough.

He sat down and looked at the spread of cookies and cakes. They weren’t supposed to indulge, but it would be rude to turn down food someone had made for him, right?

He picked up one of the cookies and took a bite, his eyes lighting up as he did. Sure, Fay had had hundreds of years to perfect his cookie recipe, and Watanuki had barely had twenty, but these were perfect. The edge was crispy and buttery, and the middle soft and chewy. How had he managed to get both textures so perfect in just one cookie?!

“This is delicious!” Watanuki exclaimed, practically sparkling as he looked up at Fay. “I would have loved to have this recipe! We don’t really cook, since we don’t need to eat, but I used to. This cookie is basically perfect! And I thought mine were good,” he said, feeling that pang of jealousy again. Kurogane had him eating a very bland, raw food diet, saying it would help him focus. Sure, the food was without impurities...but it didn’t taste nearly as good as this cookie.

When he took a sip of his tea, he found the same. It was blended and steeped to perfection. Watanuki thought he’d been in heaven before, but now he wasn’t so sure.

Falling for You

dainarps‌:

Watanuki screamed, spun on the balls of his feet and brought his arms up in a pathetic excuse to protect himself from whatever had just spoken from the shadows. Then, after realizing he had probably alerted the whole house to his fright, he saw that the thing in the shadows was just another person — someone else with big, black wings.

Someone who just called him a duckling.

“A duckl—Wah!” He shouted again, this time because clothes were thrown at him. He dragged them off his face, his eyebrow twitching as the guy continued to talk, spouting absolute nonsense and going from calling him a duckling to calling him kinky, of all things!

“You’re the one whose mind went there! Not mine! I’m not some…disgusting pervert, you know!” Watanuki snapped, stomping back into the bathroom and slamming the door. He changed quickly, frowning when he realized just how tight he had to pull the drawstring on these pants — really, there were all sorts of shaped people in this house, and the only pants that guy could find were sweats that were two sizes too big on him and a shirt that was more like a dress?

He couldn’t complain, though. Fay had opened his home up to him. It wasn’t his fault that this guy…was an absolute moron.

He stepped back out of the bathroom and stomped his way down the hall, to where the guy was waiting. Just looking at him gave him the creeps…and maybe a hint of jealousy, too.

Not everyone appeared in the afterlife as they did when they died — most people got to choose which stage of themself they got to be. He knew that age wasn’t really a thing for them, and that this guy likely had a couple hundred years on him, but darn it, why did he have to look his age with wings like that?!

“You look like you fell in a gas tank,” Watanuki grumbled, finally uttering a comeback to the duckling comment.

For a guy that was probably older than the city itself, and with a minimum of 50 different identities on his curriculum….Fay was surprisingly as transparent as his favorite set of champagne glasses from Paris — Doumeki thought, watching as the angel shouted and grumbled all the way through the progress of scurrying back to the bathroom, feathers literally ruffled (cute).

Sighing through his nose, Doumeki leaned back against the wall and stared out of the window. He couldn’t see him, but he could feel Fay a floor bellow, his soul coiled with a swarm of emotions, where anticipation and wistfulness stood out like two red flags. Doumeki wasn’t surprised, specially not after taking one single look at the fledgling. …There wasn’t a single inch of barrier wrapped around that guy; not an ounce of protection, his bright-to-the-point-of-squinting soul pulsing bright, angry, vicious and loud for everyone to see, like a signal ready to be tracked at any moment by whoever that happened to be looking specifically for it. Fay wasn’t hiding that idiot; he was using him as bait to catch bigger fish. And like a persistent, delusional fisherman, Fay was as always aiming for his own fucking Mobidick.

Doumeki didn’t doubt the blond’s intentions; Fay was the physical and celestial embodiment of Paternal Behavior, treating every single member of his growing family as if they were all his own children, even the ones with ten times more wrinkles than him. He pampered them, gave them all a place to stay and did everything and more to ensure that every single one of them was happy in their….predicaments. But, pure and affectionate intentions aside, it was no secret at all to everyone in that manor why Fay stared expectantly at the frontdoor, after the arrival of every single new ‘friend’. It was impossible to not notice how sleek and thoroughly-brushed his wings were, how every curl and funny twist of his hair was attentively shaped into perfection, or how his choice of clothes were anything but casual. ….Doumeki would have called it ridiculous, it it wasn’t so legitimately sad.

The door opened again, and the angel stomped out still looking as pissy as he had left. “…Actually, that’s how I died.” He said, facing him with a blank, hard stare. “A gas tank was punctured. A guy lit up his cigar beside me. We all blew up.” He paused, letting the dark, stiff and horrible silence settle comfortably around their heads, before finally adding. “…Not really. I was joking.” He said, deadpan intact throught the entire exchange, and still firmly in place when he turned away and began to walk down the hall at a leisure pace—

Until a pair of doors were abruptly pushed open, and the twin girls from before flew towards them, wings flapping excitedly as they flew circles around the boys. “Doumeki found him! Doumeki found him, master! The tea is ready, the tea is ready!” They chanted happily, and for two little girls that could barely reach Watanuki’s waist when they weren’t hovering, the hands that pushed against his back were strong and easily shoved him into the room where they had come from. A table was set —with tea, biscuits and cake, like Fay had promised—, but despite it’s length, unsurprisingly big enough to fit exactly the number of people that apparently lived in that house, only two mugs of tea were prepared. Fay already awaited him, sitting at the top of the table and waving cheerfully at him as if Watanuki could have possibly missed him. Nobody could ever pass unnoticed wearing the intricate white and golden robe that he was wearing, the wing pattern repeating once again in those clothes as well.

The strange deadpanning boy, once just by Watanuki’s left, was nowhere to be seen.

“Well, someone is looking much better already! I’m sorry I couldn’t get you any clothes of your own, usually I get at the least a warning before this kind of thing happens.” Fay commented, patting the seat beside him before cutting two generous servings of cake. “How are you feeling, and are you a chocolate chip cookie type, or a cocoa filling type?” He asked, pushing a tray of cookie closer to his seat as well.

[dainarps]

And Now I See

“We just don’t know why you keep acting like this, Kimihiro.”

“The other kids don’t act out like you do!”

“When are you going to learn to behave?”

“There’s nothing there! What are you complaining about?”

“Don’t forget to take your medicine, Kimihiro.”

“It’ll help if you just take it.”

Watanuki learned to stop saying that the medicine didn’t work, and that he still saw those...things. Every time he said the medicine didn’t work, they gave him more of it. It made him feel slow, sluggish, and like his brain was running on empty...and more important, it just didn’t work! The doctors all diagnosed him with schizophrenia, saying that his symptoms were a classic case of it, that the bruises and cuts he experienced were all self-inflicted. He didn’t like to say that he knew better than the doctors, but...he knew better than the doctors.

He didn’t like to go see them, though growing up he was forced to go see them regularly. The employees at the group home — since nobody wanted to foster or adopt such a complicated case — forced him to go, made him swallow the pills. 

When he stopped telling the truth and started lying, the workers ironically started to trust him more. He was able to hide the pills, avoid taking them, and nothing changed except how he felt. The weird things were still there, no worse or better than before. Some of them, he didn’t mind. They could be friendly, but he typically tried to ignore them anyway. He didn’t like that nobody else could see them, and sometimes, if he pretended he couldn’t see them, they would leave him alone. Other times, though, they would come after him anyway. Those were usually the formless ones — the big, blobby ones. They were brainless, and only seemed to want to eat him. 

Sometimes, he encountered ones that looked human, and those were the ones he hated the most. He didn’t mind them if they were up front with him, but it was the ones who tricked him — the ones who pretended to be human — those were the ones he hated.

When Watanuki turned 18, it was like someone signed a document releasing him from prison. The home hadn’t been bad, but freeing himself from the years of lies was like a weight off of his shoulders. He didn’t have to hide pills, he didn’t have to ignore the little creatures that ventured into his path. He didn’t have to act like everything was okay when he had a spirit swirling itself around his arm and sucking on his head. Sure, the flailing and screaming didn’t make him any friends, but he didn’t need friends. He was fine with being on his own. He had a roof over his head, a few roommates who hated him, and a bussing job at a local restaurant. He was doing alright...and a few years later, he was doing even better.

By the time he was 20, he had moved from busser to server to line cook, and because of that, he was able to move into his own apartment. No roommates! He was thrilled. The apartment was perfect, too — just a short walk to work. The less time outside, going new places, meant that he was less likely to encounter malevolent spirits. They tended to haunt the same areas, and so if he just walked a few different paths the first week, he’d figure out the best way to get to work.

Not to mention, the rent was incredible! He could afford it with only one paycheck, leaving the rest for bills and spending. He didn’t have to spend much to move in, though — the place was already furnished. Using someone’s old furniture didn’t really bother him — he was probably going to buy secondhand to save money, anyway. The only issue was that the previous tennant had...pretty boring taste. Everything was basic...but it was comfortable, so he let it slide. Sitting by the window with a cup of tea was his favorite place to be — there was a particularly cozy chair there that allowed him to have a peek out the window. There weren’t many people in this neighborhood, but there was a beautiful garden across the way that he thoroughly enjoyed. 

There were some...weird things about the apartment, though. Sometimes he would hear things at night — which wasn’t exactly uncommon for a guy who attracted spirits. But, usually he saw the offender. He wasn’t afraid of spirits, more so frustrated by them, so when the noises became actions, he started getting annoyed.

His teacup would move from one end of the coffee table to the other, or he would go to pick up his chopsticks and find them askew, or in another drawer. Even in the fridge, things would move around! 

He refused to acknowledge it, though. If the spirit didn’t want to acknowledge him, then he wouldn’t acknowledge the spirit. It wasn’t interested in eating him, so he didn’t care what it did, really. It could just...keep on doing what it wanted. Every time he discovered something new that was shifted about, or when he felt like he was being stared at, he just grumbled and carried on and told nobody. His psychologist, his doctors, his coworkers — nobody knew about his troubles at home. If they did, they would start doing more tests, probably figure out he wasn’t taking his medication, and then he’d be in trouble. It was already hard enough to hide the injuries from them or explain them away.

Things were getting annoying, though. After being in the apartment for three months, Watanuki’s patience was running thin — he wasn’t a very patient man to begin with. What started really driving him up a wall was the nights. Doors slamming, drawers sliding open and slamming shut, the faucet running, lights flickering... It was starting to keep him up, and when he had to be out the door at four in the morning for work, it was absolutely infuriating. He’d come home from work and try to rest, only to encounter more of the same, even in the afternoon! If this kept on, he was going to have to call for...an exorcist or something!

On one such night, after weeks of sleepless evenings, Watanuki whipped his blanket off and stood up from his futon. He moved quietly, not wanting to alert the damn thing to his presence. He had to catch it in the act — it had evaded him thus far, but not tonight. He refused. He needed sleep. He needed to work. He needed this apartment.

So, he tip-toed out of the bedroom, and tip-toed down the hallway, making sure to avoid that one squeaky board in the floor. Then, he peeked around the corner into the kitchen...and there it was.

Or he?

Aimlessly, he stood in his kitchen, opening his spice cabinet and closing it. Then, of all things, he knocked a few spices out onto the counter, as if he was a cat. He didn’t even bother to pick them up as he moved onto the silverware drawer, which was arguably the noisiest thing he could shift about. It was hard to see him in the dark, but...he just looked...normal. He wasn’t a hideous monster, or a ghost like they showed on television. If Watanuki didn’t know any better, he’d think he was being robbed. But he did know better, and the instant he started shaking the silverware about, Watanuki screamed.

It wasn’t a scream of fright, though. It was a scream of pure frustration. 

“Will you fucking quit it?!” Watanuki snapped, stomping into the kitchen and flicking on the light. A tan, tall young man was revealed, wearing a university uniform. 

“You might be dead and not have to worry about going to work in the morning, but some of us,” he said, interrupting himself to slam one of the cabinets shut, “do!” He placed his hands on his hips and tapped his bare foot against the kitchen floor.

“I have tolerated your nonsense for months! Months! I didn’t even say anything when you put my favorite pair of chopsticks in the garbage disposal! I let you have free reign of this place, but not anymore! If you want to hang out here, then that’s great. Whatever you want. But during the night you are going to keep your nonsense to a minimum!” Watanuki shouted. “I am at my wits end! Now, pick up those spices and put them back in the cabinet, and then go...sit down and be quiet!”