#WHY THE FUCK DO I KNOW THESE THINGSSSS

[hotmess-exe]

oof. idk. i think l--ra l--mer massively overcalculated her influence and value to the right wing. those "dick-sucking" and "dei shaniqua" soundbites were just on primetime CNN. i really don't think she's important enough to survive the level of mainstream outrage this is about to spawn lolol

[inrainbowscd]

is there a word for that feeling of finally knowing u were right all along but it's abt smth u desperately didn't want to be right abt? idk what it is but i am feeling that. also im feeling like absolute shit. and stupid nd pathetic nd hopeless. peace nd love on planet earth

[hemmingshouse]

truth, drink or dare / colby brock

summary: colby and sam convinced you and tara to join them in a new version of their usual truth or drink videos and it takes a turn when you confess the truth and get dared.

warnings: 18+, alcohol, getting drunk, mentions of sex, kissing, cursing, sexy thingssss (not proof read x)

(let me know if you want a part two or send in a request! x)

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

“what’s up guys, it’s sam and colby!” sam exclaimed loudly, clapping his hands together before rubbing them and sending the camera a small grin. “we’re doing the dreaded video once again,” he groaned, thinking of how the previous times were so bad the hangover lasted for a week.

colby hissed playfully, shaking his head in disbelief as to why they were still agreeing on doing this. he raised a finger, “i don’t know why we said yes, but!” he spoke up, “today we have two lovely ladies joining us today to make it a bit more bearable!”

“oh really! who’s that?” you asked them playfully as you sat up straight on the couch, smushed in between colby and tara. “i can’t fucking believe we’re doing this.”

tara shook her head, “i feel sick already, this is such a bad idea.”

sam reached over to gently pat both of you and tara on the head, “we took you out for lunch! it’s the least you can do for your best friends after that.”

colby laughed, leaning back onto the couch as he stretched an arm across the head rest. he gently scratched your head to get your attention, sending you a reassuring smile. you weren’t sure what it meant, but the gesture was sweet and it made you smile back at him either way.

“since we’ve done truth or drink quite a few times,” colby explained, “sam and i decided it would be fun to switch things up and add another option to it; dare. this means that you can choose between truth or dare, and if you don’t wanna do either of ‘em, you take a shot.”

“of water,” you added quickly, pointing towards the camera, “we’re not daydrinking and you shouldn’t either!”

your three friends laughed and colby leaned backwards to reach for the bottle of tequila he hid behind the couch, as well as four shot glasses. “i got you girls your own new heart shaped shot glasses to make things a bit more.. cute.”

your mouth fell agape as well as tara’s as colby handed you both a shot glass, “oh this is adorable,” you chuckled, “i hope it fits less than your normal ones.”

sam snorted as he let out a laugh, “we tried them out before, fits the same amount. sorry sweetcheeks, but you’re fucked.”

sam had pulled up their shared instagram, quickly scrolling through the multiple questions and dares before closing his eyes and letting his thumb stop on one of them. “alright so the plan is, we’re gonna roll a dice. if the dice lands on an uneven number, everyone answers the truth. if it lands on an even one we all agree on one person to do the dare - just a quick heads up!”

you let out a small sigh, brushing a lock of your bangs out of your face before tapping your nails against the empty shot glass - waiting for sam to stop giggling at the first question. you knew these type of videos were the rowdiest ones and loved to watch them be honest or get shitfaced - but that was until now, when you were actually a part of the video and had to spill your guts as well.

colby noticed how you shifted in your spot right next to him, your bare knee brushing his jeans covered one.

you had been in a few of their investigation videos and challenges so the fans were fully aware of the way the boys had you in their lives as a real good friend. since colby had always been good with girls and flirted with nearly every single of them it wasn’t new to the viewers when he sometimes placed a hand on your thigh or wrapped an arm around your shoulders - hell he even made sexual and dirty minded jokes with you involved.

that became normal for the two of you way too quickly but you weren’t sure if he was just jokingly flirting with you sometimes or if there was a hint of truth behind his words and actions.

“okay!” sam yelled loudly, shaking you out of your trance from where you were fiddling with the thin silver ring on your middle finger, “let’s just take a shot to start off the game,” he said as he poured all of your glasses, joining them together in a toast before all of you slammed the tequila backwards. “ugh,” you exclaimed with a face, “okay, t, you start since you’re the youngest.”

your best friend leaned forward slightly to roll the dice onto the table, “lord have mercy on me,” the short dark haired girl joked, letting go of the small dice. “it landed on 5! wait, that means everyone tells the truth, right?”

colby nodded as he rubbed his chin, letting his ankle rest on his knee as he crossed them. because you were so cramped up on the small couch, you took advantage of the fact that you now had a bit more space to rest your arms elsewhere instead of having them cramped in between colby and tara, and folded your hands together to rest onto colby’s knee.

“picture your crush or someone you’d like to hook up with,” sam started after he cleared his throat, “what’s your favourite body part of theirs?”

“i actually don’t have anyone i’m crushing on,” sam spoke up, “buuut, i’ve always been a sucker for when a girl has like a nice body shape and isn’t afraid to show it off.”

“shit bro,” colby nodded, “that’s a good one, i’m gonna have to agree with you on that one.”

you knitted your eyebrows together and shot a look at tara, immediately sitting up. “no fucking way!” you exclaimed whilst turning your body slightly to look at him, “you’re not getting away with agreeing with sam! choose your own answer or take a shot.”

“you wouldn’t have agreed with it if y/n or me were going for the same answer either,” tara backed you up, wrapping her arms around your shoulders to pull you in for a side hug. “shot or answer, colbs.”

colby groaned, hating how you two were far too sober because he knew that with a few shots in, neither of you would’ve been onto any rules anymore. “alright! okay,” he shot his hands up in defeat. “i’ll answer then. uhm- i think.. imma have to say neck. and collarbones.”

“really?” sam asked him, his eyes quickly darting to you without you noticing as you were looking at colby. sam noticed how you were wearing a black strapless top after you took off your hoodie before you started the game. he grinned at colby, catching onto what his best friend meant but leaving the two girls in the dark for that matter. “good choice.”

tara nodded her head, “that is a really good choice actually,” she agreed, “god, i’m gonna have to say arms. i’m a sucker for men that have nice arms.”

“every man in the us is now running towards the gym for you, t,” colby joked, flicking her cheek from where his arm was still spread across the head rest of the couch.

“what can i say,” tara shrugged her shoulders playfully, “guess i have that effect.”

all of you laughed at her joke, a sudden flash of anxiety smacking you in the face when you realised you hadn’t answered just yet. you weren’t scared to answer, but knowing that millions of people were gonna know about some of your deepest secrets made you feel a bit uneasy.

“i’m gonna have to say hands,” you spoke up before anyone was able to ask you what your answer to sam’s question was. “i just- i don’t know,” you chuckled, “it’s specifically when they know they have nice hands and wear rings-”

you mentally silenced yourself because you felt like you already overshared for the first question. thankfully tara was quick to agree with you, and you got a small laugh from sam and a huge smirk from colby. oh you definitely overshared.

“okay y/n, your turn,” colby handed you the dice, patiently waiting for you to roll it. it was a 3, which meant all of you had to speak your truths once again. “aye!”

all of your eyes went to sam, since all of you were waiting for him to pick out another question. “i have one,” he announced, “how many shots would it take for you to hook up with the person on your right?”

“sam! did you pick this one because you have a thing for me and finally feel confident enough to let me know?” tara joked, making a kissy face at him.

“absolutely,” he joked back, “in all seriousness though, i think four? you’re fucking terrifying sometimes.”

it caused you to let out a loud laugh, “sam, sweetie, she’s a leprechaun- there’s nothing to be afraid of besides her sarcastic ass remarks and her uppercuts.”

tara sent you a smile before patting sam on the back, “i love you sammy boy, but you’re like my brother anyways so let’s not even think about that,” tara chuckled, swinging her head around to meet your humoured face, “i’d do y/n in a heartbeat, no shots needed.”

the boys hollered loudly as you girls chuckled at their reactions, why was girls loving their friends such a big thing for guys? “oh i love you,” you exclaimed, quickly pecking tara’s puckered lips before wrapping an arm around her shoulders and pulling her in a hug. “that is likewise! there ain’t no man that’ll ever be enough for us.”

“got humbled real quick,” colby joked as he shook his head, “so zero shots for you to hook up with tara, how many more do you have to take so i stand a chance?”

you tapped your finger against your chin as you pretended to think, “hm,” you hummed, “gosh, maybe- i don’t know? one, maybe two? just for like- liquid courage. colby’s way too experienced.”

“so you’d make out with him now if that was a dare?” sam asked you, eyebrows raised and an amused look spread across his lips. you obviously had the shot at the start of the game and completely forgot about it. looking at sam’s face said enough. he knew exactly what he was doing.

you slightly narrowed your eyes at your blond friend, “are you turning a truth into a dare now?”

“do you want me to?” he fired back, sitting up straight while he waited for you to answer.

you thought about turning it down, but that would mean you had to take a shot. and even if you did that, the answer to what you wanted was already out the roof when you said it would only take a single shot for you to hook up with colby. or well, in this case it was just a silly little kiss.

not answering sam, you turned your gaze towards colby. he had been waiting for you to answer sam with a knot in his stomach and a slight blush covering his cheeks. when you answered sam’s question he was curious to see what you had to say and he was pleasantly surprised.

“oh fuck it,” you mumbled before you grasped colby’s chin in one hand and leaned more towards him to gently place your lips on his. colby was quick to respond by placing his hand on the back of your head to get you even closer as you two deepened the kiss.

it obviously didn’t last long because you were fully aware of the camera’s rolling and two of your best friends being in the same room hollering at you, but when you pulled back colby was quick to pull you in for another peck.

“i was actually just tryna see how far i could go with teasing you,” sam told you with wide eyes, although very amused, “i did not expect that.”

colby hadn’t expected it either. he was looking at you debating it and thought you’d turn it down and take a shot instead, knowing that you didn’t want to stir any drama - but he was glad you did. at this right exactly moment he couldn’t give a shit about anyone apart from you anyways.

after a while, you figured that the viewers went mental. they had literally asked and dared you everything they wanted to, no holding back on their part. some questions weren’t even finished reading before sam grabbed the bottle of tequila and poured all four of you a shot - knowing that neither of you were going to answer.

you must’ve been five shots deep when you sat further back into the couch because tara went to sit om the floor instead, giving you more space to sit onto the couch, so you naturally leaned back and wasn’t surprised to feel the side of colby’s chest against your back.

“so that’s why the couch was so cramped,” you playfully narrowed your eyes at him, “your ego is taking up all the space.”

he let out a loud laugh as you got comfy against his chest, leaning your head against his shoulder while you closed your eyes. “how many more are we doing?” you asked sam, who was now trying to pick a few dares and questions you could at least complete or answer.

colby’s knuckles softly brushed against your shoulder as he felt you calm down, knowing that alcohol made you a bit sleepy. “hey pretty girl,” he mumbled, causing you to look up at him with a sheepish smile. “don’t fall asleep, hm?”

you shook your head slowly, “i’m trying but you’re just so comfy and soft. you smell so nice as well.”

colby found himself smiling at you oversharing your thoughts once again, “hey,” he took your chin in one hand, “thank you for that,” he chuckled softly, “but sam’s got a few more dares for us now. that okay with you, darling?”

you felt how colby’s tumb traced your bottom lip and how his stare was focused on you. this moment was much more intimate than the moment you shared before you quickly kissed him earlier that night, and you weren’t sure why.

maybe it was because the pressure of having a first kiss was off, or because you just felt extremely attracted to your best friend and wanted to kiss the shit out of him once again.

sam had an amused grin on his facs as he looked around the room, noticing you and colby all mushed up together. “okay love birds,” he announced, “and leprechaun,” he patted tara on the head with a chuckle, “i have a dare for y’all. one person has to lick whipped cream off someone elses body, body part of their choice.”

“do we have any volunteers?” tara spoke up, sending sam a glare and look to let him keep his mouth shut. “i mean, i’d do it to you y/n, but i don’t really like whipped cream.”

“neither do i!” sam chirped up, hands shooting up in defeat, nearly causing him to drop his phone. “you make your choice while i grab the goods.”

your friends were so see through when it came to trying to couple you up with colby. backing out of dares so you two had to do them, refusing to answer questions by taking a shot after you and colby did speak up about the truth. it was entertaining to say the least, and neither you or colby actually minded.

“alright pretty boy,” you patted his thigh before sitting up straight, “i kissed you, so it’s only fair you treat me back.”

a grin spread across colby’s face as he nodded his head, “alright, if that’s how you wanna play it.”

he took the can of whipped cream from sam’s grasp as he got up from the couch, motioning you to stand up with him. you weren’t sure why, but you obliged either way.

colby brushed your hair behind your shoulders with one hand as the other shook the can of sticky sweetness. you let out a chuckle as he flipped the cap off, “alright,” he mumbled, starting his line of whipped cream on your left collarbone before dragging the can towards your right one. “that’s a lot actually.”

“can’t put it back in the can anymore,” you laughed softly, noticing how colby’s eyes were trained on your neck. and collarbones.. holy shit.

your eyes widened slightly when you finally put two and two together, understanding that when you all were telling each other about favourite body parts, colby was not talking about collarbones and necks in general - he was talking about yours.

funnily enough, you had been talking about hands with him in the back of your mind.

his hands were steady on your waist, slightly pulling you forward to get easier access to your collarbones. he started off on the left, his tongue slowly dragging across your upper chest. you found it so hard to not let your head fall back and let a moan slip from your lips as you felt his tongue glide against your soft skin.

“oh this is hot,” tara exclaimed, clapping her hands together while watching colby trace down the whipped cream.

his thumbs softly pressed into your waist when he looked back up to meet your gaze. you chuckled, reaching up to get some of the stickiness off his chin. “you didn’t catch it all.”

he shrugged nonchalantly, “we have an entire can left pretty girl,” he teased, “who said i was done already?”

[morbific-or-felicific]

OMG MAE!!! Your Alhaitham fic was so fucking good!!! And you’re writing a Scara fic?! I can’t wait! The Alhaitham fic had me feeling thingssss and the end killed me. But like yes sir daddy I would love for you to fuck me in public

Also can I ask if you could do some head cannons for genshin characters with a so with big boobs? Like Diluc, Kaeya, Albedo, Itto, and whoever else you can think of? I wanna hear your thoughts Mae 🥺

-🕊️

thank you so much dovey!!! also here are my head cannons <3

Diluc-

•Diluc definitely appreciates your boobs, and whenever you two fuck, he almost always has his big hands on them if he can.

•However, outside of the bedroom, Diluc is terrified of you thinking he’s ever looking at your boobs. He doesn’t want to objectify his baby!

•If you are wearing a low cut top while you’re out with him, then Diluc is immediately taking you home to get changed and giving you his jacket to cover up.

•God help any of his business partners coming to the winery to meet with him if you’re around. They are in a constant state of “Eyes not tits, eyes not tits, eyes not tits,” because they know just how upset Diluc can get when he thinks they’re looking.

•If you ever go to visit Diluc while he’s bartending at Angel's Share, he’s constantly watching everyone around you to make sure no one is staring at your boobs, and he immediately kicks out anyone who stares.

•If you happen to be helping out at Angel's Share and waiting tables, where Diluc can’t watch you all the time, he is just constantly calling you over and checking if you’re comfortable and asking if anyone is being creepy.

•Overall, Diluc just gets absolutely pissed whenever the two of you are out in public and someone is staring at your tits, and if that person is Kaeya? Well, let’s just say he might actually lose an eye or two.

Kaeya-

•Speaking of Kaeya, he is the exact opposite of Diluc.

•He is constantly just getting distracted and staring at your tits, and whenever you point that out, you just get some version of, “But baby, your tits are just so pretty. Why wouldn’t I stare?”

•Kaeya has very few qualms about touching them in public as well. You are constantly trying to fend off his hands, but of course, if you ever seriously asked him to stop, he would.

•Kaeya most definitely loves to fuck your boobs, and bite your boobs, and cum on your boobs.

•He likes showing off that you’re his and that no one else gets to touch you the way that he does, despite how much they might want to.

•Speaking of being in public, Kaeya doesn’t care if other people are staring at your boobs. You’re his, so why would he worry about some random creep?

•But the second you give some indication you are uncomfortable, Kaeya is walking over to whomever was staring and reminds them how unpleasant the dungeons really are and how he could tear them to shreds if he really wanted to. What do you mean he can’t threaten them like that? He’s the cavalry captain, of course he can :)

Albedo-

•Albedo probably won’t be too into your boobs at a base level, but he will also be endlessly fascinated by them.

•Every so often, you two will just be talking, and then all of a sudden, he just starts poking and pushing at your boobs, curious about the physics of them.

•His commitment to discovery will also likely mean that Albedo is constantly playing with your boobs in various different ways whenever you guys fuck, but that isn’t to say it’s purely scientific. He is most definitely getting off due to his… experiments.

•Albedo probably won’t notice if anyone else was staring at your boobs because he’s much more interested in focusing on you.

•But if you do tell him that someone is making you uncomfortable, Albedo will probably just take you somewhere else or give you his jacket to help you cover up.

•Finally, Albedo definitely enjoys laying on your boobs. He likes how comfortable and warm they are, and they are just a relaxing place to put his head while he talks to you after a long day of work.

Eula-

•Eula would absolutely love your boobs. She thinks they just make you look so adorable, and she loves that.

•She loves to dress you up and take you places, whether it’s out for dinner or to some fancy function.

•However, whenever Eula tries to buy you nice clothes, there is always the issue of things not quite fitting over your chest, but that’s alright. She’ll pay for the alterations.

•She tries to teach you some dances, but almost every time, she gets distracted by the way your boobs are moving.

•She also can’t stand it whenever someone is staring at your boobs. However, it's less due to possessiveness and more due to Eula desperately wanting you to feel comfortable when you’re with her.

•When someone is starting at your boobs, Eula always gets upset and declares that vengeance will be hers.

•However, if it just so happens that a member of the lawrence family is the one that she catches staring at you, Eula will be livid and vow to never take you near her family again(really she just wanted an excuse to stop having to take you to see them).

Itto-

•This man is a child, so he absolutely loves your boobs, and he loves playing with them.

•When I say ‘playing with them’, I mean Itto has you standing there while he tries to figure out how much stuff you can hold with them.

•Not to mention all of the times Itto tries to figure out what you could balance on them. You will never know peace.

•Itto probably wouldn’t understand that random people staring at your boobs would make you uncomfortable, but after you’ve explained it a few times, you have to stop him from beating up anyone that glances at your boobs for too long.

•When it comes to sex with him, Itto loves having his hands on them. He loves that your little hands can’t remotely fit around your boobs, while his hands just envelop them(size kink who?).

Zhongli-

•Peepaw is quite indifferent to your boobs. He’s lived for a long time, so at this point, looks aren’t something that he focuses on.

•Despite not caring much about looks, Zhongli does love that you take pride in your appearance, so he tries his best to compliment you whenever he can.

•His compliments however are often very random and confusing, but at least he’s trying.

•He doesn’t quite understand why you get uncomfortable when random people say things like, “Nice tits” as they walk by you. Don’t you like compliments? But either way, Zhongli will take you home and make you some tea and tell you stories to distract you.

•He also likes that he can lay on your boobs, and while he does still like holding you, Zhongli loves being able to relax and lay his head on your chest.

Childe-

•So we all know that this man is batshit crazy, right? Let’s just keep that in mind as you read this.

•He loves your boobs. Not an insane amount, but he definitely appreciates them.

•Childe is definitely very protective and possessive, so you can imagine how well someone staring at your boobs would go over with him.

•Anytime Childe catches someone actually staring at your boobs, he makes a note of whomever it is, and after he takes you home, he finds them and rips them to shreds, literally.

•Childe loves when he comes home covered in blood and just goes straight to you, taking off your shirt and getting blood all over your chest. He just loves how pretty it looks

•He tells you how much he loves you and how he’ll keep you safe from all those nasty creeps out there.

•He will definitely just casually have his hands on your boobs.

•You'll be cooking with him, and all of a sudden, Childe’s standing behind you, talking about pasta sauce with both of his hands holding your boobs.

•He also loves sleeping on them. It feels so warm and safe to him. It’s just so relaxing.

•When he’s holding you at night, Childe always has one hand around your waist and one on your boob.

Tag List: @lilia-sspouse @but-a-peach @stannazuna @yourlocal-bunny @lordbugs @randomlycockroach @licensedsimp @leena-shi @cesimaaa @zhongliuhotmf @welpthisisfine @fic-rebloga @febickxs

morbific-or-felicific.

[shannara810]

Lukercy and their babies:

Percy: ok you guys have hold hands now ok?

Lulu: ok papa*😇👼*

Luke holding Nemos hand who keeps jumping in puddles

Luke: "Never been happier you're waterproof, Perce. And that the kids take after you 😁."

Percy: "Don't I know this 😏."

Nemo: "Ohhhh, Tata look! What's that?"

The kid let go of his father’s hand and bent down to observe something in a puddle of water nearby. A strange long black string moved slowly in wide circles. Suddenly it stopped: it rose on his willowy body to observe the young boy with its smart yellow eyes.

Nemo: "Hi! My name's Nemo Jackson-Milligan. What's yours?"

...

Nemo: "Really? I didn't know they existed! And they left you here? Baaaaadddddd!"

...

Nemo: "Do you want to come home with me? I'm sure Tata can smite them for you! He can make monsters too, you know?"

...

Nemo: "Okay 😁".

The long black string - close up, it looked more like a water snake - began to crawl towards Nemo, rolling up on the offered arm until it settled placid on the child’s shoulders.

Nemo: "Tata, Papàs!!! I made a friend!!! Can he live with us?"

Percy: "The fu... dge!!! 😳"

Luke: "Sure!"

Percy: "LUKE!!!"

Nemo: "His mama left him here, because he didn't want to kill some dude named Thoro? And he has been alone ever since! His name is Jur... Jor... I'm going to name him Juju 😁."

Percy: "Why do I feel like this is gonna bite us in the ass?" *facepalm* "You can't take home every animal you find, baby. They can be dangerous."

Luke: "It's a water snake, Percy. They're harmless 🤷. And every kid needs a pet sooner or later."

Percy: "Mmm. Never heard of Lord Voldemort, right Luke? 😑"

Lee: "Juju looks a lot like the giant snake from Uncle Raphi's book 🤔."

Percy: "Which giant snake, Lulu?"

Lee: "The one who hugs the world! 😁"

Percy: "WHAT?!"

Luke: "Jormungandr?"

Lee: "Yes!"

Luke: "Uhhh 😶".

Nemo: "You're sooooo smart, Tata! You can say Juju's whole name!"

Percy: "Did our son just find a fucking monster snake?!"

Luke: "Uhhh 😶."

Juju: "Greetingsssssss Lord Darknesssss and lady wife 🐍".

Percy: "I. AM. A. MAN!"

Luke: "That's not what you said last night, babe 😁. Greetings, mighty Jormungandr. I hope you understand how our hospitality is not for free. Should something happen to one of my boys, I won't hesitate to destroy you 😠."

Juju: "I will keep thisssss in mind, Lord Darknesssss. I've heard frightening and amazzzzzing thingssss about you and your nesssssst of young beassssstssss 🐍".

Luke: "Oh! You hear that, Perce? We have a street creed now 😁."

Nemo&Lee: "Can we keep him, Papàs pleaseeeeeee? 🥺"

Juju: "Yesssss, pleassssseeee 🐍."

Percy: "Luke, we don’t even know what a giant snake eats!"

Luke: "He can eat all those pests your uncle Zeus sends us every week 😉."

Percy: "Three against one is unfair ����. Okay he can stay, but I won't clean his mess! Do you understand me, boys? 😑".

Nemo&Lee: "Yeah!!! 🎉"

Juju: "I will earn your ressssspect, Lady Percy 🐍".

Percy: "I AM A MAN!!!"

And again this drabble got out of hand, @darkcrowprincess 😅

[moicore]

Today we were in philosophy class and my teacher asked "what does exactly mean to be a woman? why do you put both sexuality and gender in the same group if they face different problems?" and I was internally like "OMFG YES YES YES THAT'S EXACTLY IT!"

Which doesn't change the fact that I have heard classmates talk about "the q*eers" like it isn't a fucking slur? I mean how tf would they know it anyway? (this is spain so obviously they have to get all of their info from Spanish speaking sources that don't mention the fact that it's not a word you should use normally)

Idk I wanted to say so many thingssss and I felt like I couldn't bc everyone would hate me for it (and I've already been called femin4zi before, I don't want to a second time)

[ojirocardigansniper]

yeag

sylen- like 12. technically i stole his name and basic look from edgy beautiful badguy oc i had age 11 allegedly lotrpilled but actually amulet graphic novel elves don't talk to.me ANYWAY hes baby he's half-fae but only ever known his human dad he's my little guy i love him. and he goes on an unconsensual roadtrip ("thats called kidnapping") unconsensual roadtrip

meng- human dad. has attracted magical problems his entire life and hasnt gained more than an ounce of sense about it. does it still count as poor impulse control if you fuck a mysterious guy three separate times or are those just decisions now. WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE SHOWED UP AND HANDED YOU A BABY? AND YOU TOOK IT???? yes it's a very cute baby NOT THE POINT

[name not settled]- meng's older sister, sylen's auntie, "witch" is a word you couuuuld use. has capital-s Sight very clearly and all the sense meng lacks. TOLD HIM TO STOP FUCKING THAT GUY. AND YET!!! Of Course Not. when the conses quence and sylen gets yoinked unceremoniously and meng is like "Obviously i have to go to talk and try to get him home" she goes Unfortunately for my sanity im coming with you or i am guaranteed never seeing my nephew again. or you but less of a loss there ("Hey") IVE BEEN GOING GRAY SINCE YOU WERE BORN. YOU SAY NOTHING

anri- some kind of minor fae lord i ALMOST don't care. this aint about him. (okay it is but not as much as some specific human perspectives of him) why was he in the woods being ethereally beautiful and mysterious on some kind of repeated journey Don't worry about it. why did he bring a child of human union Back to said human instead of keeping it DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. **Why** does he want that child back now Don't Wo hey you look like you're worrying about it. rapidly in his direction. hm

étrétta- another of anri's children, entirely fae tho. visited sylen some when he was a child, before auntie heard about this and went Absolutely Not, No Strangely Lovely Playmates From The Woods, Do Not Be Your Father. not heard from since. except as mentioned byyyy

muna- étrétta's uhhh wife, fae equivalent. was the one sent to pick up sylen for his unconsensual roadtrip. not enthusiastic about it. creepy :) apparently ate étrétta's heart in the intervening years as some form of. reproduction. trétta's ok she's uh. chillin. snow whiting it. again say it with me kids Don't Worry About It

so yea. kid on a spooky journey in the feywild with a babysitter that ate his sister and is bringing him to his mystery dad who he has been warned against all his life because fae can invoke ties and debts to fuck your shit up so bad and He Is A Living Embodiment Of Those Things. and chasing after them is his family who are dealing with the harrowing ordeals of fae and travel and siblinghood and failing to protect a child they love. and i don't have enough in my brain about the resolutions of this because >failed d&d campaign setup but NOW . my wise and smart ass (learning from beloveds al and barry) wanted to pick an oc to play bg3 with and decided on an adult sylen and while im not making the game events "Canonical" (you know. mainline story. How that works with little guys of your brain) i am getting juiced up to fill the gap and Resolve. there are thingssss. debts and family and doing the scary things. Which is all what it is all about forever . fuck me running ijust realized i started these guys six fuckinf years ago TIME ISNT REAL

idont think ive posted about meng anri sylen etc here before have i. failed d&d campaigns are so important you get so many fucking ocs. like "fairytale romance (Ironic)" and "if one of the fae hands you a baby and you accept the baby The Conses Are Going To Fucking Quence At Some Point, Buddy" and "weird dad sent his weirder daughter-in-law to kidnap me, waiting for normal dad to pick me up, straight up not having a good time"

[spenciebabie]

So um the tub one got me thinking .... Maybe like after things get heated he gets the shower head in one hand on your clit and the other He fingers you and just watch you in that state of over stimulation whimpering over him and he's praising you and kissing wherever he can and doesn't stop except after a while even when you've already cum ....😳

I got a bunch of requests for something like this, I’m sort of combining all of them but here’s a taste (side note! I cannot believe I didn’t clock the purple shirt in the gif that is most definitely Spencer’s, so thank you for that anon) :

“Ok but like that visual about getting in the tub with spencer the one with the girl wearing a purple top ( one I'm imagining belongs to spencer) yea that one. It is doing THINGSSSS to me. So I just wanted to say thank you for blessing me with it”

Here’s the gif

— —

It had been a long day and you were all exhausted by the time you made it back to the hotel. Spencer did what he usually did and drew himself a bath in an effort to decompress.

Taking off his clothes and dumping them on the bed before heading into the bathroom. You couldn’t help yourself when you saw his purple shirt discarded on the matress, taking off your own clothes and putting it on.

It just smelled like him, and even though he was here with you there was something comforting about it.

You gave him a bit of time to unwind, but he’d been in there so long you were starting to get restless. Not that he would even mind if you went in to him, he was always happy to see you, but sometimes he did just need genuine alone time. But right now you needed him more.

Making your way to the bathroom you open the door slowly, stepping inside to see him, laying out in the bath, head reclined against the wall with his eyes softly closed. You’d almost think he was asleep with how relaxed he looked.

“What do you think you’re doing?” He asks, his eyes remaining closed, just listening to the sound of your footsteps as you walked towards him.

“I just missed you is all” you say, but he can hear the tone in your voice, and he knows what you really want. His lips lift up into a smirk a second before he opens his eyes to look at you.

“Are you— is that my shirt?” He asks, eyebrows knitting together. You nod.

“Smells like you” you bite your bottom lip in anticipation

“I know, that’s why I took it off” he jokes, “have you got anything on under there?” He probes, sitting up just a little, leaning in towards you.

“Yup, just these” you say as you lift up the hem of the shirt, exposing your little white panties to him, you can almost see the change in his breathing.

“Fuck” he gasps, “I’ll get out now, give me two seconds” he gulps down the lump in his throat, he couldn’t wait to slip those little panties to the side and fuck you while you wore his shirt.

“What if I just— got in?” You ask, tentative and shy, and you can see his breathing just about stop completely before he’s nodding.

“Fuck, yes! Please” he reaches his hands up for you and you step in at the other end of the bath, kneeling down so that you’re facing him. The water and the bubbles coating your skin already, saturating the shirt and your panties.

He spreads his legs right away so that you can nestle in between them, resting your hands on either one of his shoulders to keep yourself steady.

It doesn’t take long before his hands are all over you, his lips pressed rough and urgent against yours as his tongue slips into your mouth. His skin is slick under your fingers as you move your hands up into his hair, laying forward on his chest as he lays back.

He pulls back a little to look at you, his eyes darting straight to your breasts where the the saturated shirt clung to you.

“You got a little wet” he eyes you up and down,

“I’m more than a little wet Spence” you mutter and he moans out. His hand snaking down between your bodies and diving into your panties, running one of his fingers through your folds and letting out a low groan.

“Fuck you weren’t kidding” he breathes against your neck, teasing his fingers inside your panties “I need you to take these off for me and sit up on the side of the tub”

You move around a little, laying back against the wall on the other side of the bath. Pulling off your panties, throwing them on the bathroom floor before spreading your legs in invitiation.

Spencer’s about to dive in but he stops himself, the detachable shower head catching his eye. He unhooks it and turns it on to the highest setting, moving in close to you.

His hand moves towards you, fingers tucking in between your legs, running through your folds, teasing gently before he presses two right against your entrance. He pauses for just a second before pushing them in, slow and steady, stretching you out. Your head falls back against the wall involuntarily, the feeling of his fingers was already too good.

“You like that baby?” He asks, low and gravely, as he pushes his fingers in and out of you, working steadily to a faster pace, curling them up every once in a while to elicit a yelp from deep in your throat.

“Fuck Spencer, your fingers feel so good, love the way you fill me up” you moan out, eyes closing at the feeling.

Spencer takes that as his cue, bringing the shower head down between your legs, positioning the stream of water right against your clit. It’s instantly overwhelming, the concentrated pressure on the sensitive bundle on nerves, coupled with his fingers still pumping inside of you.

It only took a few seconds before you were almost screaming, moaning so loud there was no doubt that the rooms either side of you knew exactly what was going on.

“Fuck Spence! Please!” You gasp out as you cum, begging for a moment to catch your breath, but he just continues like nothing’s changed.

“I’m— Spence! Ah” you whine out, and you can feel the tears pricking in your eyes from the overstimulation. He leans in to your ear to speak but he keeps his hands right where they are.

“You can give me one more baby” he growls, and your toppling over the edge just a second later, shaking around his fingers, the unrelenting stream of water pulsing right against your clit in a way that was just shy of painful.

You didn’t even realize you were crying until Spencer mentioned it, pulling his hands away from you finally. “Hm, can’t take it can you? At least you look pretty when you cry” he wipes the tears away with his thumb.

“Let’s get you all cleaned up for bed?” He looks at you with softness now as you lean your head lazily into his palm nodding with the tiny bit of energy you had left.

[inthewild-flowers]

Happy asks 1 6 8 12 15 16 22 24 27 28 (because it's damn true!!) 29 30 and 38 (because I am a huge nerd), obviously it's a lot you don't have to answer them all but I just think they're neat ✨

Hello loveee thank u for all these hehe :D

1– What was the last thing that made you laugh?

Hmmm,,, I was just watching Hamilton so probably something from that?? But also I was having a funny conversation with @vaindumbass during the first half of Hamilton so it could have been either of the two

6– What youtube video or vine always makes you laugh without fail? Link it!

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=q5M1zq6MJ0g

That video is funny to me but it also reminds me of the story my friend told me where she was at work reenacting this video to her coworkers and mid reenactment a customer walked in

8– What is the superior breakfast food of choice and why?

Pancakes or crepes 😌 bc they’re both amazing and pancakes are fun to make!!

12– Do you have any little party tricks that most people don’t know about?

,,,,,,,, I can recite the entire intro but to the movie brave in a (terrible) Scottish accent?

15– What’s the best pun you’ve ever heard?

Honestly I can’t come up with one that’s the all time best but here’s the best one Ive heard today:

(Thank u ben <3)

16– What song always makes you happy no matter what?

Wildflowers by Tom petty

22– Have you ever purchased something expensive that you didn’t really need, but it’s made you so happy that it was worth it? What is it?

BEEVERALLS!! They’re bright yellow overalls with bees on them and they were like $90 but absolutely worth it I love them with my whole heart

24– How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

One, if ur dedicated enough

27– What are you proud of in your life?

My writing :))

28– Post a selfie of yourself that you think is hot fire and needs to be appreciated (because you are so damn good looking)

FBSJSDDSHSKDNDDHSJSKSKDJ UR FUCKING GORGEOUS BABE <3 (not gonna post a picture of me here tho fjdkdld)

29– What’s your favorite video game ever?

I don’t really play video games honestly flasjshsb

30– What are you a fuckin nerd about that you could talk about for forever? Feel free to do a lil rant here about how much you love said thing and why it’s awesome

So many thingssss

However,,, I did recently watch several documentaries about the history of medieval England,,,, they were very cool,,, my sister refers to them as “catching up on six hundred year old gossip”

Also I’m always ready to be a nerd about aikido fjdksjd

38– what’s your favorite movie that leaves you with a great feeling at the end?

I loveeeee the sound of music and Mary popping bc they’re really really nostalgic for me so I’m always so happy after watching either of them :)))

[justkeeptrekkin]

Don’t Dream It’s Over

Some hurt/comfort for you all. 

***

The bedside lamp is on. It’s going to take another millennia for Crowley to get used to having a bedside lamp. It’s more common for him to saunter into his dark bedroom and immediately go to sleep- he’ll even put on a pair of pyjamas, if he’s feeling especially luxurious. Bedside lamps don’t usually factor into his routine. Not exactly required, with night-vision. 

But now, his routine has changed significantly. It’s made room for a certain angel, who likes having a bedside lamp on- who likes being able to see what he’s reading, before turning in for the night. 

Crowley buries his face in his pillow, where it’s blissfully dark and the light doesn’t irritate his eyes. It’s not just this that he’s had to accommodate; no, it’s Aziraphale’s very striking lack of sleep, as well. Aziraphale will sit there with a light on for hours, reading beside Crowley, not sleeping until he decides he may as well. Sleep is not something either of them need; it is something that Crowley enjoys significantly more than Aziraphale; it’s something that Aziraphale has decided to “try out”, like a new hobby, since Crowley moved in and miracled a bedroom. 

On top of that, Aziraphale has, in his own words, decided to “do this whole sleeping thing properly”. Crowley has had to make room for hot chocolate or decaffeinated tea before bed. He’s allowed blankets and extra cushions and Egyptian cotton sheets. They have a linen cupboard for all of it. His normal, wallowing sleeping habits have been entirely disregarded. 

He is very much alright with that. 

“Are you awake?” Crowley lets out a long, sleepy breath. It makes his face hot, where it’s pressed against the pillow. “Mmmph.”

“Is the light keeping you awake? Be honest with me, Crowley.” “Smufuuhhn.”

“Sorry?”

Eyes still closed, Crowley rolls his head so he can speak, words unmuffled. Relatively. “S’fine.”

“Alright.”

Truthfully, it’s all taking a lot of getting used to. The reason he hasn’t argued with Aziraphale is because he likes having him here. He loves having Aziraphale here, and that makes all the bright lights and sickly sweet bedtime drinks tolerable. (Tolerable. He will never admit to them being nice.) That doesn’t mean that it isn’t sometimes a bit unsettling. There’s still that very large part of himself that’s uncomfortable, unsettled with being happy. After all, it’s natural to feel wary of the unfamiliar. 

He yawns. His jaw unhinges slightly, and he corrects it so as not to inadvertently slip into his snake form. “What you reading,” he mumbles.

Though his eyes are shut, he hears Aziraphale put his book down on the bed sheets. Perhaps looking at the cover. “Brideshead Revisited.” “Again?” “I know. I’m an old bore.”

“Mm. We knew that already.”

Aziraphale tuts. “Thank you.”

Crowley doesn’t smile, but he feels it in his chest. How little has changed, despite the fact that everything has changed. 

He cracks open an eye. 

A bright, yellow light glows on the other side of the bed. It fractures around Aziraphale’s silhouette. Like a halo, but more artificial. No, when Aziraphale shines, he shines brighter and more beautifully than an Ikea lamp. Right now, Aziraphale has returned to his book, legs stretched in front of him under the sheets and reading glasses perched at the end of his nose. Tartan pyjamas with a red trim. Unlike Crowley, Aziraphale is comfortable with being comfortable. At least, he’s better at it than him; it suits him better. 

Crowley lies there, one eye looking. Breathing slowly and silently. A little like when he’s a snake, hiding in the grass; he doesn’t want Aziraphale to notice him watching, committing this to memory. Maybe, if Crowley looks longer, watches longer, memorises this, he’ll convince himself that it won’t all disappear.

Inevitably, Aziraphale does look away from his book. Bright eyes looking down at him. He blinks, and his expression turns into pure love. A look of adoration that only an angel could nail so perfectly. 

“Darling boy,” Aziraphale says gently. 

Crowley watches Aziraphale’s hand come to stroke his head. He closes both eyes for a moment and feels it. 

“You should sleep,” Aziraphale whispers. His thumb stroking the hair out of his forehead. “Otherwise you’ll be a terrible grouch tomorrow.” Crowley snorts. “Cheers.” “You know it’s true,” he chastises quietly, humour in his voice. 

It’s warm. And he’s forgotten that his eyes are closed. He’s forgotten everything except the feel of Aziraphale’s hand on his head. He barely hears Aziraphale when he says: 

“I’ll be here when you wake up.”

***

It’s so hot. Hotter than Hell, and he should know.

It’s hot enough that his tears boil his skin and his throat goes dry. His body is evaporating. And he’s pulled further into the bowels of the furnace, where the flames wriggle more freely, like they’re laughing. He’s pulled further in and he watches the shop, this corner of his heart- he watches it crumble, dancing in Hell orange. 

“AZIRAPHALE! AZIRAPHALE FOR GOD- FOR SA- FOR SOMEBODY’S SAKE WHERE ARE-”

Something explodes. Something happens that means he’s suddenly thrown across the room but he doesn’t know how. His mind will only take him as far as you’re on the floor. You’re looking at the ceiling. You’re alone, now.

It’s so hot. It’s hot, so why is he shivering? Why do the tears keep coming, where are they coming from- everything should have dried up, everything has disappeared- everything inside him has been scooped out and cooked and smashed. The brittle, hollow person that he is. A fragile little glass demon, molded for evil, made empty and aching. Filled with traitorous love for an angel. There’s nothing left inside him now. They’ve taken it all, emptied him again. 

“Somebody killed my best friend…”

It’s so hot. It’s hot and he’s burning and he feels ash and smoke clog up his throat. He kneels amongst the rubble. But that’s not what makes this feels like hell. 

“BASTARDS!”

He could stay here forever. What good would it do to leave? What good would any of it-

“Crowley?” He can’t see through the fog, the tears, the smoke, the sleep-haze of his mind. He doesn’t need to see.

“Crowley- Crowley-”

Like an electric shock- he hears himself gasp- he jumps upright- convulses with deep breaths- his whole body shakes. 

“Crowley- oh, Crowley. It’s alright. It’s alright-”

It’s only then that he begins to see what’s around him- the yellow light of the bedside lamp, the sheets tangled at his feet. Aziraphale, sat in front of him. Huge, anxious eyes trying to make contact with his, a weak smile on his lips. 

“You’re here, you’re, you’re, you’re-”

And before Crowley even realises that he’s said this aloud, he’s brought into a tight hug. His own cold, clammy skin pressed against Aziraphale’s cheek; soft eiderdown hair in his vision. 

“I’m here. I’m here, dearest.” 

He feels Aziraphale’s hand on his head, gently stroking through his curls. He feels another pressed firmly against his back. Held there, as if to stop him from drifting away. And that’s what brings him back- that’s what brings Crowley back to the moment, what makes the scorching heat on his skin disappear and the hollow feeling fill again. That’s what brings him back to now, to a world where Aziraphale is alive, and he feels the sob of relief rise out of him. 

His fingers dig into Aziraphale’s back, and he clings on for dear life. 

“You’re here, now,” Aziraphale soothes. “It’s alright now.” Crowley is still shaking. He’s shaking because there’s that bitter little animal inside of him that doesn’t believe Aziraphale, that’s angry at him for telling him something so stupid, gnashing it’s teeth at the idea of trusting and relaxing and the suggestion of not being on high alert. 

It makes him dizzy, how fast he pulls away from Aziraphale and stands up. 

He backs away from his angel. His angel looks back- calm. Prepared. Hands raised like a lion tamer. Kneeling on the bed, amongst a cloud of bedsheets. 

“Don’t,” Crowley growls. Backs away a step further. Aziraphale’s serious eyes fixed on him, hands on his tartaned knees. “Don’t. Don’t.” “Alright,” Aziraphale nods slowly. Expression neutral, quiet. “Alright.” “You have- you don’t- don’t, jusssssssssst don’t, don’t say it’s alright now, ssssstop saying alright.” Aziraphale listens. Crowley grips the material of his pyjama top in his hand, as if to tear it off, although he doesn’t. He’s trapped and exposed all at once and he wants to shed his skin like he’s still a snake. 

“You don’t know, sssso you can’t say it’ssss alright because you don’t know, you don’t know what’ll happen or what the next ineffable-f-fucking-plan issssss or, you- you can’t, it could all go wrong any minute and you could disappear again just like lassssst- like lasssssssssssst- like-”

None of this really feels like it’s happening yet. It’s the middle of the night, nothing feels real, he doesn’t trust that Aziraphale’s really there and this feels like the dream. This feels like the moment that will disappear, not the burning bookshop. Oh yes, the burning bookshop feels like it’s been branded inside of him forever. But this-

“Thissss- thissss- for FUCK’S sake. This. This is transient. It’ssss not. It’s.”

“Crowley.” Aziraphale’s voice breaks, so he swallows. His expression breaks too, so he corrects it. Body bathed in gold light and shadow. “Crowley.” “Don’t pander me, don’t say those thingssss.” He hears his own voice break now. Feels his face contort with tears. Feels his hands grip the material of his pyjama top again, clutching like a child. “Don’t lie to me. Nothing’sss alright forever.” “Things have changed,” Aziraphale replies quietly. 

“NOTHING changes!” Crowley shivers, a whole body shiver. “Six thousand years should have taught you that by now, angel- Heaven, Hell- they’re never gone, it’s never over-”

“Is that what you were dreaming about,” Aziraphale asks, brows raised and eyes sad. God, Crowley’s made him sad. He can’t cope with it. He feels that snarling animal in him falter, whimper. “Is this about Heaven and Hell, Crowley? Because,” Aziraphale shakes his head uselessly. “I don’t know what to do about that. I’m so sorry. I’d do anything to make you feel safe, darling boy. I don’t know how I can do that, not yet, except tell you that I’m here. I’m here.”

“You died, Aziraphale.”

Crowley gasps a shuddering breath. Aziraphale’s eyes flutter and widen in horror and understanding. 

“You died. You discorporated, died- however you want to look at it- they killed you and you were gone and I was alone, and I didn’t- I was going to let the world burn for it, angel. I was going to let all of it burn and I was going to go with it because you weren’t here-”

“Crowley-”

“There’s no point in any of this, being here, there’s no point of wine or music or Bentleys without you and you just disappeared. You died, you let yourself get killed and you bloody well left me and I- I- you were gone, angel, you… You and me. How can I believe this’ll stay?”

Aziraphale’s up from the bed faster than he’s ever seen him move before. And Crowley goes to meet him- throws himself into Aziraphale’s hug the moment he’s on his feet. They stand there in the semi-dark room and hold each other, Crowley’s choking, coughing sobs filling the little room. There’s a half empty cup of hot chocolate on his bedside, and the marshmallows have congealed. Aziraphale’s book is on the floor, pages open. And he feels the damp of Aziraphale tears on his shoulder. 

“My dear. My dear, dear, Crowley.” Aziraphale’s voice wobbles and strains. Like a bow shuddering along the strings of a violin. “I love you so much. With everything I have.”

Crowley presses his face against Aziraphale’s shoulder. “I love you,” he croaks. 

Crowley clutches. Aziraphale’s hands press tighter against Crowley’s back. 

“There is no way in Heaven, Hell, Limbo, Earth or whatever dimension God may have devised that would stop me from being by your side. If I’m discorporated again-” Aziraphale sighs. “I’d do anything to come back to you. I’d find you no matter what, Crowley, just like last time. Do you understand?” “I’m sssorry for making you cry,” Crowley whispers.

“Crowley, do you understand? You must know that I’d never leave you, not really. Never.” “Aziraphale.” 

His angel is so soft, so gentle to hold. He doesn’t fracture or break like Crowley does. He bends and pillows the blow of every painful thing. His arms are around him and he feels held. 

“Crowley,” Aziraphale says. “My love. You don’t have to trust me yet-”

He feels sick with guilt. “I do-”

“I understand, Crowley,” Aziraphale says. And then he pulls away a little, enough that he can look at Crowley, enough that he can see Aziraphale’s watery blue eyes and blushing pink face. His hands cup Crowley’s face. “I understand you may not believe it yet, but it’s true. No matter what happens, I’m here. I’ll find my way back to you.”

Their foreheads meet. Fresh, hot tears pour down Crowley’s cheeks. 

Aziraphale wipes them away, swallows loudly and takes a deep breath. 

“Come back to bed,” he says gently. 

They both do. Crowley carefully kneels on the bed, lies down on his side and curls up into Aziraphale, head on his arm. He lies there and feels his shaking body still, feels Aziraphale’s lips press against his sweaty forehead and stay there. Not quite a kiss, but something kinder. 

The room is quiet with their slowing breathes, naturally falling in sync. Crowley’s eyes stare at the tartan pattern of Aziraphale’s pyjamas, the buttons close enough in his vision that they blur. 

And then Aziraphale moves, just a little- stretches to his bedside table and takes a book. Crowley doesn’t move to give Aziraphale his arm back. Nor is he going to sleep any time soon. And so he allows him one hand only to open the book and prop it open against his knees.

“The family of Dashwood had long been settled in Sussex,” Aziraphale reads. “Their estate was large, and their residence was at Norland Park, in the centre of their property, where, for many generations, they had lived in so respectable a manner as to engage the general good opinion of their surrounding acquaintance…”

Crowley doesn’t question it. He doesn’t see the point in arguing, not when the sound of Aziraphale’s voice fills the hollowness. Aziraphale reads Sense and Sensibility, Crowley’s head on his arm and a hand tracing gently along his arm. They lie like that for hours, Crowley quietly listening, arm slung across Aziraphale’s stomach. 

Eventually, the light begins to wink through the crack in the curtains. It starts with that light blue almost-morning sky, then with the watery yellow of the winter sun. Crowley watches, Aziraphale’s voice filling the silence; he listens until it feels real. As real and as natural as the rising of the sun.

[ladieslovingladiesandfics]

Dating Briar Rose | Dating Ruth

Anon asked:  Yay! It's so good to find a DP fan! So i was wondering if you had any headcanons for either dating Briar Rose Or Ruth please? Your pick. :)

I’m doing both because both are ma LADIES!!!

Anon let me kiss you.

@shadowroxz13 my fellow dp fan,this is a shout out for you~<3

A/N: As the player character is the detective, imagine ur in the detective’s shoes lol.

Dating Briar Rose:

As you and Rose have quite a history together, it’s obvious that you two are close.

Briar Rose never really...had much...uh...romance in her life, with her unture love and such. So she’s probably hella oblivious to the fact she’s in love with someone.

But when she saved you from the Mist Wolves in France, she became closer to you because it’s been so long since you’d last seen one another.

And as you spend more time together, Rose begins to feel...love???

So originally she goes to Ruth and Jessica for advice and Jessica is #1 wingwoman, helps Rose with everything she cold ever need.

Rose jokingly has called you her ‘knight in shining armor’ ever since you saved her too. She never figured out why it causes you to be flustered.

That’s because you’re gay for Rose. Duh. I mean...who wouldn’t be???

There is also a part of Rose that is like....worried about falling for you. She is immortal afterall. After what happened to Ivy and (hooker) James, she fears she very well may out live you.

But after some prodding from JEssica and Ruth, she’s like ‘fuck it’ and shyly asks you out with a bouquet of roses~!

KIsses are always sweet and soft, and leaves Rose a blushing mess right after.

I headcanon that Rose actually likes knitting so she makes scarves and mittens for ya.

Now that she;s...not in a coma, she loves exploring so she’ll probably tag along with you on your adventures!

She worries for you alot, as everyone she has ever known in her life is well....dead. So she is scared of losing you. IN a way, she’s overprotective of you to a fault.

But of course you can take care of yourself. So you two tend to talk about this often, and you always promise to come back safely.

You may not believe it, but Rose is fucking ready to fight whenever you need her.

“Hey babe, I need help. I’m kinda....uh....fighting some evil dolls.”

“....Where are you? I’ll kill them.”

C U D D L E S

Rose actually doesn’t sleep a lot because of how much sleep she has gotten gotten,. So she’s a wee bit of an insomniac. So while you sleep, she watches over you, and even sings you lullabies to help you sleep. BUt when she does sleep, she tends to fall asleep after you; stroking your hair to whispering sweet nothings.

Sometimes when she doesn;t sleep, she’ll go about doing chores.

And its no surprise that she wakes up earlier than you, I would describe Rose as sleeping in intervals? So she often makes you breakfast and gives you a good moning kiss.

Also she has a mist wolf pupper, it’s your pupper now. No take backs.

Jessica gives you some....uh.....’warnings’.

“If you even so much as hurt Rose, I’ll gut you and feed you to our wolves.”

“I mean she could probably whoop my ass before you could even get to me but I’ll take good care of her.”

It’s a very sweet relationship tbh.

Dating Ruth

Ruth has no impulse control, be warned.

Will fight a bitch without any warning.

Which leads you to hold her back like 99.9% of the time.

Ruth actually never thought about romance because of how busy she is as the Elder Sister, but that’s when you pop in to remind her that she needs time to chill.

Which uh...involves massaging her shoulders and dragging her away from her desk with the promise of free cuddles.

Maybe sex. Idk.

Ruth also wouldn’t hesitate to whoop a bitch but if you wanna whoop a bitch, she’ll support you 10000%

“YOU’RE DOING AMAZING SWEETIE!!!”

Basically the living embodiment of this meme.

She’s also hella fucking flirty and even during missions she’ll be giving you pick up lines

Speaking of, she says em a lot,

“Hey hey, do you know what else is fun making?”

“?????”

“Out.”

“ASDFGHJKL”

You wonder where the hell she’s getting them from because you’re sure she has like 700 of them in her pockets.

Although you’re probably side-eyeing Jessica who maaaay have influenced Ruth.

Ruth would love it if you spar with her, which can lead to......risque thingssss

Bitch has muscles you can tell me otherwise.

Will flex and it makes you fucking faint.

Has abs too.

You tend to trace them whenever you cuddle together.

S H A D O W!!!!

Shadow loves you. He’s a good pupper. Good boi. Will cuddle with you.

Mildly peeved at Ruth for hogging all of your damn attention at times.

Cuddle puddle on the bed. It’s fucking great!!!

Except when Shadow is like....crushing your ribs. Wolves are pretty heavy ya know.

Ruth can carry you bridal stye or fireman style. She ain’t afraid to fucking do it. 

Does it all of the time tbh.

She has her duty as the Elder...Head Sister so she is staying back in France. She would love to come with you and all but she wishes you luck with whatever you’re doing.

“You had better come back to me, okay? If you don’t, I’ll find your soul myself and bring you back.”

She fucking would too.

You two send letters back and forth whenver you cant be together.

BUt whenever a mission involves both of you, Ruth is overjoyed!

Ruth is unpredictable as well, so dating her with full of surprises!

[lindseyluvsdrag]

Afterbirth Pt. 2 (final)

At around one in the afternoon, Violet stiffly sat up,  frowning when she didn't see Matt next to her. She figured that the man was downstairs so she opted for showering and doing her hair before she descended them.

Matt and Clark were nowhere to be found, but there was a note stuck to the refrigerator explaining why.

“Gone to the park, be back soon. Love, Matt and Clark,” Violet read aloud before wrinkling her nose. “The park, huh? Someone will need a bleach bath when she gets home.”

---

Clark pressed her face against the jewelry store display case. “Oooo, I like this oneeee. It's so shiny!”

Matt looked at the emerald green gem set in white gold. “Do you like that ring for Mommy or for you?”

“Me,” she said with a giggle. “It looks like kryptonite.”

“Hmm, it does look like kryptonite. But we don't want to give her kryptonite, do we?”

“Nah,” the toddler sighed as she continued to look.

“What about this one, boo?”

Clark shook her head in distaste. “Too small. Mommy likes her diamonds the way she likes her men: bi-”

Matt covered his daughter's mouth with his hand. “Hey! Where did you hear that?!”

The girl's response was muffled by his palm so he moved his hand.

“I heard Mommy say it to Aunt Naomi.”

The man groaned. “Well, don't say that, okay?”

She frowned. “Why not?”

“Because it means something bad.”

“Oh...okay,” she chirped as she turned her attention back to the rings.

“How is this one?” he asked, pointing at the simple, solitaire diamond.

“No, Daddy, no! Do you not understand what Mommy likes at all?!”

---

“P.S. we left you some breakfast in the fridge,” Violet discovered as she continued to read the note. “Aww.”

The woman opened the refrigerator and smiled. The food tray supported a plate of pancakes, bacon, eggs and a slim glass vase that held a single red rose.

“How cute.”

---

“How ugly!” Clark groaned.

“What? What's wrong with this one?” Matt asked.

“I don't like the little swirly thingssss.”

“They're called paisleys.”

Clark scoffed. “That's not a cute name and I still don't like them.”

“Okay, I'm done with you, little lady. You don't like anything and-”

Clark slammed her hands and face against the glass. “This one, Daddy,” she said as if she was in a trance. “This is it.”

Matt caught a glimpse of the ring and couldn't believe in his daughter's taste in jewelry. “That's actually really nice, Clark. Excuse me? Can we look at this ring?”

“Sure,” the jeweler responded as she unlocked  the glass display, slid it open and grabbed the ring from its case. She handed over the selected piece.

“Wow…” Matt exhaled as he examined it. “This looks like the-”

“Power gem,” he and Clark said collectively.

“It's an Alexandrite, one of the rarest of all the natural gemstones,” the employee informed. “It's famed for having the ability to change its color. From green in daylight to red under incandescent lighting.”

“Holy shit. So what color would you consider it now?”

“It's a mix of the two.”

“That's amazing. And I love how the prongs look like claws.”

“I like the Power gem,” Clark chirped.

“Same.”

“Alexandrite is very popular because it's also the June birthstone,” the jeweler added.

Clark gasped. “Mommy's birthday is in June! And mine too!”

“This couldn't be anymore perfect,” Matt admitted. “We'll take it.”

“Yayyyy,” Clark cheered. “Mommy will love it!”

“Yeah, so you have to keep this a secret, okay?”

“Okay!”

The jeweler smiled. “And how would you like to pay for this? We offer discounts on cash purchases.”

“Oh... I didn't even think about the price. How much is it?”

“A natural two carat Alexandrite surrounded by  diamonds and set in platinum will run you about $28,000.”

It was the last thing that Matt heard before he hit the floor in a loud thump after fainting. Minutes later, he awoke to the toddler sitting on his chest as she slapped his face with her tiny hands.

“Hmm?” Matt humed. “You want pancakes?”

“No, Daddy, get up! You're making a scene,” she whispered.

Matt slowly lifted his eyelids and saw Clark's vivid blue eyes staring back at him with a frown while  the frantic jeweler continued to speak into the phone.

“Oh, no it's okay. Yes. He's awake now. Thank you, bye. Sir, are you okay?”

“I think so,” he groaned. “What happened?”

“You fainted when you heard the price of Mommy's ring,” Clark informed.

“Fuck- I mean, fudge,” the man groaned as he sat up and grabbed the girl. “I can't afford that price.”

“With a cash payment, I can get you down to $22,000,” the jeweler offered.

“Yeah, because that's just so much cheaper,” he said sarcastically. “Let's go, Clark.”

The girl frowned. “But what about a ring for Mommy?”

“I'll get her something out of the quarter machine.”

“Ughhhh! Why are you being so cheat?!”

“Cheat?”

“Yes! Mommy likes nice things!”

“I know and so do you, little lady. Why do you think I'm so broke now?” He grabbed the small lapels of her blouse. “This doesn't come cheap.”

Clark rolled her eyes.

“Don't get grumpy on me.”

She folded her arms.

“We're at the mall, want a soft pretzel?”

Any trace of Grumpy Clark quickly faded away. “Yes!”

She grabbed her father's hand and skipped out of the store with him.

---

“When I originally wanted to propose to your mom, I looked everywhere before deciding to go with a custom ring. The custom ring didn't even cost $1000. How do you expect me to pay $28,000 for a ring now?”

“Because it's cute,” Clark said simply as she stuffed the cinnamon sugar coated dough into her mouth.

“Well, so am I but you don't see me being all high maintenance.”

“We could sell lemonade for the money,” the girl suggested.

“Do you know how much lemonade we'd have to sell to make $28,000?”

“A lot?”

“Yeah. It'd probably take us years.”

“I don't mind.”

“You don't?”

“Nope. If it's for you or Mommy, I'd do it.”

Matt's heart melted. “Okay, Clark. You ready to get out of here?”

Clark nodded. “I'm sure Mommy misses us.”

“If she's even awake yet,” he smugly mumbled to himself.

---

After her breakfast, Violet flung herself onto the couch with her cellphone in hand.

“Awww, that sounds like so much funnnn,” she whined. “Why couldn't I have gone on your honeymoon with youuuu? Yeah, you're right. I don't want to see either of your vaginas.”

Matt and Clark entered the home and the girl skipped over to her mother.

“Hi, sweetheart! Yeah, Clark is here…Aunt Naomi says ‘greetings from Venice’.”

“Hi, Aunt Naomi! Can I talk to her?”

“In a second. We're discussing something important. No, Naomi, I don't care if it's a surgically manufactured vagina. Perfect or not, I don't wanna see your pussy.”

Matt saw Clark wrinkle her nose as she processed the new word. The man grabbed Violet's phone and placed it to his ear.

“What th-”

“Hey, Naomi,” he greeted. “Violet will call you back,” the man said as he hung up.

“Why the hell did you do that?!” Violet demanded. “She just found good signal!”

“Clark, ears,” he ordered.

The toddler covered her ears with her hands before Matt turned his attention back to the woman. “You really need watch what you say in front of her because apparently, 'Mommy likes her dia-’” the man paused. He didn't want to reveal what they'd done that day so he swiftly reiterated. “She basically insinuated that you like big men.”

“She isn't wrong,” Violet retorted just to get under the man's skin for hanging up on her friend.

“Don't curse or say inappropriate things around her.”

“She knows better than to repeat curse words, and if she hears anything bad, oh well, she needs to learn how to censor herself and whatnot  before school starts... and...why are you looking at me like that?”

“Cause I'm not fucking playing with you,” he snarled. “Watch what you say around my daughter.”

Violet had two options. She could remind the man that Clark was her daughter too and start a big argument about it or admit that she found agressive Matt sexy and obey whatever he had to say.

“Clark, go to your room,” Violet ordered.

The second that the girl was up the stairs, Matt was prepared for a fight, so when Violet threw her arms around his neck he nearly flipped the woman over before he realized that she was kissing him.

He appreciated the gesture, but the man wasn't ready to let her off of the hook just yet. “You better watch what you say in front of my baby.”

“Okayyy, Mr. Lent. I sent her to her room because I didn't want her to see how much I love her daddy's dick,” she said as she sank to her knees.

“Noooo,” Matt whispered. “She could come back down.”

“Clark, stay in your room!”

“Yes, Mommy!”

“Alright, wai-” he got out before throwing his head back in pleasure when Violet cleaned his penis with a sanitary wipe before sliding it into her mouth.

The woman knew exactly what she was doing when she sucked in her cheeks around the man's shaft while she deep throated him. One of her hands stroked the base of his dick as the other hand massaged his balls.

“Fuckkk,” Matt moaned. He placed both of his hands on Violet's head, aiding in his pleasure as he guided her along his cock.

“Mmmm,” she hummed around him.

“Ooo,” he groaned as he attempted to make his way towards the couch.

“You know your man buns aren't allowed on my couch,” Violet reminded.

“But my knees are buckling,” he panted.

“I don't care, Matthew. Just stand here and accept the fucking blowjob.”

The man had no further complaints as Violet slipped his cock back into her mouth and did what he considered to be pure magic. And once she did that particular thing that she does when she's feeling generous, Matt knew that he wouldn't last much longer.

“Babe, I'm gonna come,” he grunted.

Violet swiftly pulled away. “Go, go, go,” she ordered.

Due to the fact that Matt wasn't allowed to finish anywhere near Violet without a condom, the man rushed into the nearest bathroom and shot his load of cum into the toilet.

“Shit.”

Violet approached from behind and kissed his neck. “I love youuuu.” She looked into the toilet and grimaced. “Eww, flush ittttt,” she squealed before rushing off.

Matt grinned. “They'll survive this. They're strong swimmers.”

“Matthewwww, stopppppp. You're going to give me cum nightmares.”

The man laughed as he flushed the toilet then exited the bathroom. “So if I asked you to swallow, you wouldn't?”

Violet frowned. “But why would you ask me to swallow if you know it freaks me outttt?”

“I’m just saying.”

She cringed. “You'd have to buy me a Birkin bag and some goddamn Giuseppes if you want that to happen.”

“I don't know what either of those things are but noted. Andddd...what if I wanted another baby?”

The woman's eyes grew wide.

“Okay, okay. I'm not saying that I do. But in an alternate universe in a hypothetical situation, if I wanted a second child, would you be willing to let that happen?”

“You mean get fat and hormonal and crazy and risk stretch marks all over again?

Matt sighed. “I'm sorry for asking.” He made his way towards the stairs.

“Matthew.”

He stopped.

“If you wanted another child... I'd gain the weight and get crazy and risk stretch marks for it...for you. I have an amazing daughter with you and um-ugh, why I am getting emotional?” she sniffled as she fanned her eyes with her hands. “I love you and in an alternate universe, in a hypothetical situation, if that's what you wanted, I'd be willing to sacrifice my thighs.”

At that moment, Matt knew that this was the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. He approached her and took her lips against his. “I love you.”

She smiled. “I love you too.”

Matt rubbed his forehead as several thoughts hit him at once. “I'll get started on dinner. You call Naomi and apologize to her for me again. Um, and I'll start dinner.”

“You already said that,” Violet giggled as she watched the seemingly anxious man.

“Okay, then, I'll get Clark washed up.”

“No, I'll do it. I want to scrub that park air off of her.”

“Fine, but I need to talk to her about something first.”

“Oh, yeah? About what?”

“Um...ugh.. the dangers of opting for a thirty year mortgage,” he rushed.

The woman was perplexed but decided not to question the man. “Alright, well have fun. I'll run her bath water.”

“Okay.” Matt continued to stare at Violet through lovey-dovey eyes as he blindly reached for the first stair step which he missed, causing him to nearly fall on his face. The man saved himself by gripping the railing, casually playing it off with ease while he turned back to the woman. “I love you,” he said smoothly.

Violet giggled and watched as the man rushed up the stairs without any further slip ups.

He rushed into his daughter's bedroom and noticed that the girl wore nothing but her underwear, goggles and her favorite cape as she dashed around the room.

“Clark, where are your- nevermind. I need your help getting Mommy out of the house.”

“My name isn't Clark, it's Super Clark!” she declared as she jumped from the bed to the cushioned rocking chair that was salvaged from her nursery days.

“Okay, well, Super Clark. I need you to get your mother out of the house tonight. Tell her you want to go to Auntie Rose's house with her because they have a pool.”

“But I don't want to swim right now.”

“Clark,” he groaned in exasperation.

“It’s Super Clark!”

Before the man could promise her cookies in exchange for her help, Violet called the girl for her bath. Clark grabbed her Avenger's towel from the closet and rushed into the bathroom at the same time that Matt was hit with an idea so brilliant that it made his smile curl in a way that could be comparable to the Grinch.

“Oh my God! Oh my God!” he shouted as he sprinted down the hallway.

A concerned Violet rushed out to meet him. “What's wrong?”

“I saw a spider! A huge spider!”

“Well, did you kill it?!”

“No! It got away! I swore I saw it heading towards your cleaning closet!”

The woman's eyes grew wide in horror. “Matthew! Please, go find it!”

“I will but until then, it's not safe for you and Clark to be here. You know what they say about bugs? Seeing one just means that there's 1,000 more lurking around.”

The woman's eyes began to well up. “Matthew, please, stop,” she sniveled.

“I'm just being honest, babe. It looked poisonous. You and Clark need to go to Rose's house while I hunt it down or call an exterminator or something.”

“Okay,” she practically sobbed. “Clark!”

“That's Super Clark, to you!”

“Come on, sweetheart, we have to go!” Violet quickly rushed into the bathroom and secured her daughter in towels until nothing but her eyes showed through the cloth cocoon. “We have to go,” her mother sniffled.

The man felt bad for lying and making Violet cry, but he knew that it'd all be worth it when his plan was thoroughly executed.

“It's gonna be okay, babe,” he said as he kissed her quivering lips. “I'll call you when I find it.”

Clark said something but it was muffled by her cocoon.

Matt lowered the cloth around her lips. “What'd you say?”

“I'm Super Clar-” she returned to being muffled when Matt pulled the towel back over her mouth.

“I love you so much,” Violet declared. “Be careful.”

“I love you too. I will- oh my God, is that it?!” he shouted as he pointed.

The woman didn't even turn to look before she bolted down the stairs and out of the front door, shrieking at the top of her lungs all the while.

Matt didn't know whether to feel bad or laugh, but he didn't waste time making his way to the storage closet to retrieve all of the boxes labeled 'Christmas’.

---

When the distraught Violet arrived at Rose's house, she bathed her daughter and dressed her spare clothing that she kept there prior to telling her sister the entire situation at hand.

“Wow, that's crazy.”

“I know right,” she said as she wiped her eyes. “Matthew is so chivalrous.”

“I don't know about chi-”

“He is very chivalrous!” Violet defended. “Any man who'd risk his life against an army of a 1000 poisonous spiders is a fucking hero.”

Rose rolled her eyes as Violet continued her rant.

“He protects me. He protects Clark. He's a great father. He knows how to fuck.”

“TMI.”

“I love him and I want to spend the rest of my life with him.”

“But does he even feel the same way? Why hasn't he proposed yet?”

“I don't know. Maybe because he's scared. But hell, I don't want to wait any longer.” Violet pushed herself off of the couch and grabbed her car keys.

“Where are you going?” Rose asked.

“To the jewelry store. I'm going to propose to him.”

---

When Violet returned Rose still couldn't believe what her sister had said before rushing out of the front door. She palmed the woman's forehead.

“Are you sick?”

“Noooo, Rose. I'm in loveeee.”

“You're delusional! Chachki women don't chase men, okay? They chase us.”

“But I wanna be marriedddd. Why can't I be married like you?”

“You can if you'd wait.”

“I can't wait seven years like you did, Rose. I love him,” she said laughing through her tears. “I need to be his wifeeee.”

Rose was convinced that her sister had finally snapped. “Do I need to call Dr. Francis?”

Violet scoffed. “No! You don't need to call our childhood therapist!” She paused and placed a finger on her chin. “Unless he does premarital counseling.”

Rose grabbed her younger sister by the shoulders and began to shake her. “Snap out of it!”

“Oh, Rose, he snaps me in and out of it all night longggg. I mean, I'm just starting to get the feeling back in my toes from last night and I may need a wheelchair soon.”

The woman groaned. “He's untrustworthy! He was married and didn't even tell you. Do you even know if he got a divorce? How do you know he didn't lie about that too?!”

Violet frowned. “You may have a point.”

“Ya think?!”

The woman pulled out her phone.

“What are you doing?”

“Calling him. I'm going to make him assure me that he's divorced.”

Rose snatched her sister's cellphone. “You can't ask him! He's the liar in this situation.”

“Then who am I supposed to ask, Rose?!”

“The wife!”

---

It wasn't hard to find Shea's cellphone number seeing as how she tagged every other Facebook post with #goingouttonight #hmu #3239876542 #bringblunts.

Violet anxiously gnawed on the inside of her cheek as she dialed the number and waited for a response.

“Thank you for calling Shea's spank bank, you jerk it, I slurp it. How may I help you?”

Violet doubled checked her phone to ensure that she'd dialed the right number.

“Hello?” Shea asked.

“Um, hello? Shea?”

“The one and only. Who is this?”

“It's Violet.”

Shea knew exactly who the woman was but she quickly decided that acknowledging that fact wouldn't be any fun. “Who?”

“Violet Chachki, Matthew’s girlfriend.”

“Violet... Violet…” Shea pondered. “The blonde? You know Matty just has so many bitches.”

The woman huffed. “No, the brunette who you were so obsessed with that you decided to print my picture on your crop top.”

“Ooooh, you! Hi, my dear, how are you?”

“I’m fine. I have a question fo-”

“You aren't going to reciprocate and ask how I am?! How rude!”

Violet rolled her eyes. “How are you, Shea?”

“I'm amazingggg. How are you?”

“I'm- you already asked me that.”

The woman laughed. “Just making sureeee.”

“I have a very direct question to ask you.”

“Yes, Violet. Yes, I will have sex with you,” she responded. “Absolutely.”

“Wha- no! Are you and Matthew still married?”

“Hmm, he didn't tell you?”

“He told me that the papers were signed but I never got a status update. Were the papers filed? I have reasonable doubt because, now that I think about it, he never celebrated the ‘official divorce’ and it's just weird.”

“Interesting. Matty is such a devious little thing, isn't he?”

“Um, I guess- wait, what? No, he's amazing and I want to marry him.”

Shea raised an eyebrow. “Is that so? How are the polygamy laws in New York?”

Violet frowned. “So, you are still married?”

“Meet me for lunch tomorrow and I'll reveal all,” she said before hanging up.

“Ugh,” Violet groaned. “This bitch is literally a psychopath.”

“What did she say?” Rose asked.

“She wants me to meet with her so that she can 'reveal all’.”

“What is there to tell?! Are they divorced or not?!”

“I don't knowww,” Violet whined.

“Well, you're definitely not meeting her by yourself. Let's find some badass outfits and meet this bitch Chachki style.”

---

“Is this the beginning...or the end?” Matt grumbled to himself as he plugged one end of the Christmas lights into another end. “Fuck!” he squealed like a teenage girl when it zapped him.

---

“Super Clark doesn't go to bed!” the toddler shouted as she dashed through her aunt's house in nothing but her underwear and flowing cape.

“Clark, get over here, now!” Violet demanded. “Put your clothes back on!”

“Never, evildoer!”

---

Matt sifted through the box of ornaments. He grabbed the purple crystal one and read the writing that was printed on the front. “Violet's first Christmas. Aww.” The man approached the tree and placed the ornament on a weak branch that sent the glass crashing to the floor when he let go. “Shit. Well...she won't notice if it's missing.”

---

“Evil...pure...evil,” Clark grumbled in a weak voice while her mother rocked her as if she was newborn again. It was a surefire way to put the girl to sleep, but only if you could catch her first. After several minutes of missing the child that was faster than a speeding bullet, Violet used the blanket as if it was a net, dropping it over the girl's head to distract her long enough to catch her daughter into her arms prior to rhythmically cradling her.

“I'm not evil,” Violet replied as she kissed the girl's cheek.

“Mm hmmm. You fight with the worst kryptonite, villain. My one...true... weakness.”

“What’s your one true weakness?”

“Bedtime,” she whispered, stifling a yawn.

Violet smiled. “Noted.”

---

Matt seductively twirled the silver garland to the music.

“Santa babyyyyyyy, I really-” he jumped when his phone began to ring. The man was swift to pause the music and answer the call when he realized that it was Violet. “I haven't found the spider, don't come home yet!”

“I wasn't planning on it,” she replied, forcing herself to hold back on asking him about his divorce. “I finally got Super Clark to go to bed.”

“Oh, damn that's like climbing Mount Everest. Super Clark is difficult.”

“Difficult but not impossible.”

“Yeah. How are you feeling?”

“I'm alright. How are you, baby?”

Matt yawned. “I'm tired but I will survive.”

“You better. I can't raise Super Clark on my own.”

“You don't have to.”

Violet smiled. “Alrighty, sleepyhead. I love you.”

“And I love you, snuggle muffin,” he said in exaggerated adoration.

The woman laughed. “Goodnight.”

“Night.”

Matt hung up the phone and pressed play on his music. “Santa babyyy, hurry down the chimney tonighttttt.”

---

“Have you spoken to Matthew about this?” Rose asked her sister as they strutted down the New York sidewalk in their nude pumps, designer jeans and chic tops: a plunging neckline for Rose and a crop top paired with a thin blazer for Violet.

“No. What good would that do?”

“None. Just making sure you didn't fold under the pressure of talking to your 'boo-bear’.”

Violet scoffed. “Never. Here it is, put your game face on.”

The sisters were purposefully fashionably late to lunch just so they could make their entrance grand. They created their own wind as they walked seemingly in slow motion towards where Shea was seated. For extra flair, Violet flipped her hair, but it was so exaggerated that the woman lost her balance and went crashing to the floor.

While she attempted to recover, Shea clapped.

“Yes!” the woman cheered in delight. “You better werkkkk, crash and burn! Can't even turnnnn!  Leave those skid marks on the runwayyyy!”

“Shut up,” Violet hissed as she dusted herself off.

“Oh, don't be like that. I'm sure they have great career opportunities for crash test dummies.”

“Hey,” Rose interjected. “Don't talk to my sister like that. We came here to get information, clearly the only thing you're good for. Now tell us, are and Matthew divorced or not?” she demanded.

“Aww, you're the sister? Yeah, I can totally see the family resemblance...except you looked more alike with that pregnancy weight on you.”

“Did this bitch really just come for me?” Rose asked Violet.

“Hey, hey, calm that shit down,” Shea replied. “Have a seat. Act like ladies.”

Rose gritted her teeth but obliged, sitting across from the woman, followed by Violet.

“Well?” Rose impatiently asked. “Are you still legally married to Matthew?”

“Are you her lawyer?”

“No, I'm her big sister and I won't let anyone hurt her. Especially not some ex of Matthew’s.”

“Are you so sure that I'm an ex, though?”

“Well if you'd answer the fucking question, we'd know!”

“You have one more time to holler at me,” Shea warned.

“Is that a threat?” Violet snarled.

“Absofuckinglutely! Nobody is going to talk to me like they're crazy and just get away with it!”

“We asked you a simple fucking question!” Violet retorted. “Answer it so we can get the fuck away from you so you don't have to be so bothered and upset!”

Shea slowly raised an eyebrow and glided a finger over her hair in a manner so sharp that the motion should've been paired with the cracking of a whip. “Do I look upset to you?” she asked nonchalantly.

“You clearly are,” Violet replied.

Shea popped her lips. “Never. Especially not by a baby mama. Oh, by the way, how is the little accident?”

Without warning, Violet threw Shea's own drink into the woman's face before lunging at her. She wasn't able to do any damage before the restaurant's manager pulled her off. Rose jumped in, swung at Shea and missed her face by several inches but Shea was swift with her blows and managed to get in two punches before they were separated by more restaurant staff.

“Don't you ever, ever in your fucking life mention my fucking daughter again!” Violet snarled as she clawed at the manager's arms in attempt to free herself. “I'll catch a charge for my baby! I'm not the one to mess with!”

“Then let's go to prison, bitch!” Shea fumed. “With your weak ass, always throwing drinks! Throw hands like a real bitch since you think you're so fucking tough! I should've beat your ass when Matty told me that you punched him! If you touch another hair on his head, you best believe that I'll stomp your ass!”

“My relationship has nothing to do with you, bitch!”

“Then why is he still hitting up my phone?! Every time he's mad at you, he calls me! Just the other day, he told me to dump my boyfriend so that we can be together again!”

Violet was bothered by the statement, but she'd never let another woman see her sweat. “Bitch you're a joke! He told that me you're just an easy piece of ass to go to because all you do is spread your legs! You're giving it up like free samples, of course he's gonna call you when he's mad at me! What man wouldn't, you fucking whore!”

The shouting match continued until the staff practically dragged Rose and Violet of the restaurant, ensuring that they were gone before releasing Shea.

“Ugh! Stupid bitch!” Violet fumed, punching the steering wheel of her car as she drove. “I can't believe she had the audacity to come for Clark!”

Rose stared at her reflection, examining her bruised eye and swollen, puffy lips. “Ugh, I'm going to have a shiner for at least two weeks. But my lips actually don't look half bad. I've always wanted to get them done and this is totally like a free trial.”

“Rose, would you shut up about your lips?! I'm having a crisis and you're not helping!”

“They look really good,” she sighed before closing the mirror. “That bitch was way out of line.”

Violet sped through traffic and burnt rubber as she pulled into her driveway. Before Rose could protest, her sister rushed out of the car and towards the house. She stormed inside and paused when she saw that the place was decked out in Christmas decor. “Matthew!”

The man dropped the icing bag that he was using to decorate the gingerbread house and rushed into the foyer. “Babe, what are you doing here?”

“What am I doing?! What are you doing in your boxers and an elf apron?! You know what? I don't even want to know. Answer this: are you and Shea officially divorced?”

Matt made a face. “Are you serious?”

“Yes!”

“Of course, I'm divorced. We've been officially divorced for over two years now. You okay? Why would you even ask me that?”

Violet exhaled in relief as she doubled over. “Ugh, how could I feed into this dumb shit?”

“What dumb shit?”

The woman snapped back up. “Nothing. Why is the house decorated like this, Matthew? It's April.”

Matt groaned. “I was trying to surprise you.”

“Surprise me with Christmas?”

The man sighed, grabbed Violet's hand and lead her into the living room. “This is exactly how the house was decorated two Christmases ago...when I wanted to propose to you.”

Violet's eyes grew wide. “I knew it! You asked for my ring size and I was so excited but you never proposed-”

“Because I overheard you wishing that Clark wasn't mine,” he reminded.

“And I've apologized for that. I didn't mean it.”

Matt smiled at the classic defense line. “So I was wondering if we could do this Christmas thing all over again?”

“Yes! I'll call all of my family over. Rose is already in the car.”

“Where's Clark?”

“At Rose's house.”

He made a face. “Why'd you leave her?”

“I had something to do,” she rushed. “I'll go get her now.”

“I'll put some clothes on.”

“Good idea,” Violet said, stealing a kiss prior to  rushing out of the front door.

Before Matt could go up the stairs, his phone began to ring. He grabbed the device and was surprised to see Shea's number flashing across the screen.

“Hello?” he answered.

“Matthew James Lent, I'm only going to say this once: unless you want her to die, keep your motherfucking baby mama in check.”

He frowned. “What do you mean?”

“First off, she called me asking if you and I were still married, I'm like ‘the fuck? Do you seriously not know if your man is divorced? Ask him!’ But since she called me, I decided to fuck with her, ya know? So I invited her out to lunch today and she shows up looking like a clumsy mess with her sister and they instantly start to come at me big, bold and crazy and you knowww I don't tolerate that shit. I can admit to getting bitchy and defensive and yes, I told her I'd never be threatened by someone's baby mama and I asked her how was the little accident.”

“What the hell, Shea,” Matt snapped back.

“I know, I know. I'm sorry for what I said. I love you and your baby is so beautiful, but Violet and her sister pushed too far, so I pushed back.”

“Why would she meet up with you about our divorce when- you know, she just asked me about it a few minutes ago and she didn't even mention anything about seeing you.”

“That's because she's sneaky as fuck. If she had to admit to seeing me, she'd have to admit that she didn't trust you enough to ask in the first place.”

“Wow.”

“And I'm calling you to apologize about what I said about the baby, I'd never want that to get back to you as something malicious. She's sneaky and she's a liar. After I told her that I'd beat her ass if she hit you again, she came back with 'Matt only talks to you because you're easy and if he's mad at me your legs are always open’.”

He scoffed. “You know that's not true.”

“I know it isn't but the fact that she'd just throw that in there means she's really insecure. Fix that shit, honey.”

“Pfft, I can't control how she feels, but this going back and forth, 'he said, she said’ shit is about to end.”

“Alright. Well, I love you, Matty.”

“I want to set up a meeting with both of you.”

“Ugh, I hate you, Matty.”

---

When Violet returned with her family, the woman swore that she was experiencing a Deja Vu moment from the Christmas two years ago. Matt was expressionless as he sat by the fireplace sipping his eggnog.

“Hey, baby,” she said in attempt to break the ice.

“We need to talk.”

Violet gulped. “We do?”

“Matty, these cookies are dry as fuck,” Shea complained as she rounded the corner back into living room. “Bleh.”

“What the fuck is she doing here?!”

“I'm moving in,” the other woman lied just to get under Violet's skin.

“Matthew!”

“She's not actually moving in but you really should explain to me why you went to her, asking about my divorce. Why didn't you ask me?”

“Umm... I-” she stammered until Clark rushed over.

The small child gasped as she took in all of the decor. “Daddy, did Santa come?!”

The man lifted his daughter into his arms. “He sure did, boo!”

“But it's not Christmas. There's no snow outside!”

“You've been such a good girl that he decided to come early! Look, he left you lots of presents.”

The girl squealed in excitement. “I like presents! Can I open them?”

“Sure.” Matt lowered her to the floor and she rushed over to the Christmas tree, grabbing the first sloppily wrapped gift she could get her hands on. The toddler ripped into the paper and quickly revealed the Storm Funko Pop doll. “Holy Batman! Daddy, look! It's Storm!”

“Oh, wow, that's so cool, boo!”

“Yes! I'll go put her on my shelf,” Clark informed prior to rushing out of the living room. As she did, Shea turned around away and wiped her eyes.

“What's up?” Matt asked.

The woman shook her head as she continued to fight back tears. “Nothing. Um…she’s just so cute. It makes me think of what our baby would've been like,” she sniveled.

In all the years that he'd known her, this was probably the third time that Matt had seen Shea cry. The woman wasn't easily brought to tears, so whenever she got emotional, Matt couldn't help but follow suit.

“Shea, please don't cry,” he sniffled.

“I'm not,” she said defensively. “But you don't know what it's like living with the regret of having an abortion, Matty.”

Violet was completely taken aback and surprised when she felt her own eyes begin to well up.

“I don't know how you feel, Shea but it was my baby too. And yes, it sucks, but that was the best option for us at that time.”

“Matty, I really don't want to hear that right now,” the woman sobbed as she made her way towards the front door, then out of the house completely.

He groaned. “Shea, wait.”

“Hold on, Matthew,” Violet interjected. “Let me talk to her.”

The man raised an eyebrow. “You do know that she's ready to kill you, right? After that stunt you pulled today, you really need to be careful.”

She gulped. “Um...what stunt?”

“Don't play dumb. I know that you didn't trust me enough to believe that I was divorced.”

“Well, I did, but-”

Matt grabbed the woman by the lapels of her blazers and snatched her close. “Listen to me you little nerd. I love you,” he said emphasizing each word. “Do you understand me?”

“Yes,” she practically moaned.

“I told you that I filed those papers right before Clark was born, do you remember?”

“No,” she whimpered. “I was too exhausted.”

“Well, I'm reminding you. They were submitted and finalized ninety days after that. When I told you, I guess you were too busy trying on your Manolos to care but I've been in love with you from the moment that you first kicked me out of the house and that hasn't changed. And it never will change so you just need to learn to trust me. You got that?”

“I trust you, baby. I'm just really insecure and…” The woman could hardly concentrate on what she was saying as the man stared her down with his intense blue eyes. “Just kiss me.”

Matt smirked and pressed his lips against the woman's. He pulled away and smoothed her hair. “Now be good and go fix things with Shea. Just don't tick her off,” he joked.

“Well, if anything happens again, I'll have another drink handy to throw in her face.”

“Huh? You threw a drink in her face too?! What else did I miss?”

“Maybe a little, maybe a lot,” Violet said with a shrug. “I'll be right back.”

The woman exited the house and found Shea in her car, attempting to calm herself enough before she could drive.

“Ahh... parking in front of the neighbor's house so that I wouldn't suspect my ambush. Noted,” Violet said to herself as she approached Shea's passenger side window. She knocked so the woman lowered the glass. “Can we talk?”

“Sure.” Violet opened the door and Shea held up her hand to stop her. “Do you have any weapons or glasses of Dr. Pepper on you?” she joked.

The woman laughed. “No but I might have chewing gummm.”

“Nope. Yo ass could probably use that as a weapon.”

“Well, I am MacGyver.”

Shea laughed and didn't oppose any further as the woman climbed into her car.  

“I wanted to speak to you alone because, one Matthew was going to force us to sit down anyway and two, what you just said in there really touched me.” Violet cleared her throat. “Nobody knows this but um, at sixteen, I had an abortion and sometimes I do regret it.”

“Oh God,” Shea groaned. “Isn't the regret the fucking worst? Like I get Matty saying 'oh at the time it was the best option blah blah’, but it's just different for men because they don't have to go through the feeling of having a life inside of you and then suddenly it's gone.”

“Yeah, exactly,” Violet agreed.

“At the time I got pregnant, he and I were this close to living on the streets,” Shea said as she held up the small space between her thumb and index finger. “It would've been so fucked up to have a baby when I couldn't even take care of myself, ya know? So yes, we decided that an abortion would be for the best but I just don't want to hear his man voice reminding me of it. The experience wasn't the same for him and he'll never understand.”

“I understand completely. When I got pregnant, I was sleeping around so much that I didn't even have a clue to who the father was and out of my options, I wasn't serious about any of them. I knew that finishing school would be impossible and I knew my parents would probably hate me because they'd warned me about pregnancy so much so I just couldn't go through with having the baby. I told the captain of the football team that it was his so that I could extort the money for the abortion from him. He was more than happy to give it to me. And after that, we never spoke again.”

Shea sighed as she sat back in her seat. “Men ain't shit.”

Violet shook her head.

“And sometimes I do the math and I'm like 'damn, my baby would've been eleven this year. It would've been in middle school by now and it would've been so cute’, that's why seeing you and Matty's daughter just made me so emotional. I'm really sorry for calling her an accident.”

“She was an accident,” Violet admitted through laughter. “But the most perfect accident ever.”

“You know, a lot of great inventions were discovered by accident.”

“Very true. And I'm sorry for throwing the drink in your faceee. You know, I can't really fight so I gotta distract before I attack.”

Shea laughed. “That's amazing.”

“And I'm sorry for my sister-”

“No, don't apologize for her, that's literally what any good sister would do.”

“Yeah,” Violet sighed before extending her hand. “Truce?”

Shea accepted the gesture. “Truce.”

“Let's go show Matthew that we are now the best of friends.”

They both laughed as they exited the car and made their way up the cobblestone before Violet paused.

“What's up?” Shea asked.

“I just noticed that Matthew’s car isn't in the driveway. But he's here.”

“Is it in the garage?”

“No... well, we each have our own car and then a SUV for whenever we take Clark and my niece and nephews somewhere. When I pulled up today, I parked in the garage next to the SUV but his 'second child’ is gone.”

“Oh, that's weird.”

“It is,” she said as she continued to walk. When she entered her home, the woman wasn't surprised to see her daughter with green and red frosting all over her face. “Clark, you need a bath.”

“Not now, Mommy,” she protested. “You have to open your present.”

“What present?”

“The present from Daddy,” she whispered.

“Clark, are you telling secrets?” Matt shouted from across the room.

“No, Daddy,” the girl said in her 'sweet’ voice.

“Matthew, where is your car?”

“Umm...Clark, do the thing!”

As a distraction, the girl began to dance while Matt retrieved the gift from underneath the tree.

“Wait, what? Matthew, where-”

“This is for you,” Matt said as he handed the box to Violet.

“You're acting weird. Am I sure that I want to open this?”

“Yes!” Clark urged.

“Okay, baby. I trust you.” Violet lifted the lid off of the box and gasped when she saw the blinged out hazmat suit. “Oh my God! This is so amazingggg!”

“Do you love ittttttt?” Clark squealed.

“Yes, my love!”

“Good! If Daddy and me cut this one up, we'll have sparkles too!”

“Nobody will be cutting this one up,” Violet assured as she grabbed the white plastic. When she did, a smaller box fell out of the folds of the hazmat suit and onto the floor.

Clark grabbed the box.

“What's that, baby?” her mother asked.

The girl opened the box and revealed the Alexandrite engagement ring. “Mommy, will you marry Daddy?”

Violet gasped, covering her mouth with her palm as her eyes filled with tears.

“Well, will you?” she asked impatiently. “You know you want tooooo.”

“Yes! Of course I will!”

Matt approached and grabbed the box. “I'll take it from here, Clark.” He pulled the ring out of its spot and slid it onto Violet's finger.

“Oh my God,” the woman sobbed before throwing her arms around her fiance's neck. “I love you.”

The man replied with a kiss on her head.

“I’m getting married y'all!” Violet cheered.

“It's about time,” someone shouted.

“Congratulations,” Shea softly offered.

“Let's go celebrate,” Matt growled as he threw the woman over his shoulder before rushing up the stairs.

“Waitttttttttt,” Clark whined, “I want to celebrate toooooo!” The girl's short legs didn't carry her fast enough and she ultimately tripped in the process. “Daddyyy!” she sobbed.

“Heyy, heyy,” Shea cooed as she lifted the girl into her arms. “What's wrong?”

“My parents left me,” she sniffled while she wiped her eyes.

The woman brushed the girl's wild hair off of her forehead. “Do you ever let them have Mommy and Daddy time?”

“Yes but not on Christmasss,” she groaned.

“But hey, listen. There are lots of fun people here to play with. What about me?”

“You're a stranger.”

Shea extended her hand. “My name is Shea. I've known your Daddy since we were like twelve years old.”

Clark gasped. “You're Miss Shea?! You know Stan Lee!”

The woman laughed. “Yes, that's me.”

“My Daddy told me a lotttt about you.”

“Yeah?”

She nodded and grabbed Shea's hand. “Come see my room!”

---

“So you and Shea are good now?” Matt asked as he removed his shirt.

“Yeah,” Violet said nervously as she fiddled around with the box in her purse before gathering up the courage to pull it out. “Well...I figure that at least one of us has to do it the traditional way,” she said as she sank to her knees. “Fuck, this position is vaguely familiar,” she joked before clearing her throat. “Matthew James Lent, will you marry me?”

"Wai- huh- you- I-” the man stammered out of shock. “When did you- oh my God, get up, you dork. Of course I'll marry you! What an original idea,” he teased.

Violet smiled as she popped the sleek, black ring with a red metallic lining out of the box and slid it onto the man's finger.

“I wanted something sleek with a pop of red to match your second child.” She paused. “Speaking of which, babe, where is your car?”

The man pursed his lips before he reluctantly answered. “I sold it.”

“You sold it?! Why?”

Matt grabbed the woman's left hand. “I needed money for your ring.”

Violet pouted. “You sold the Batmobile for me?”

“Of course. I'd sell my soul for you.”

“Awwww,” the woman squealed as she pulled her fiance onto to the bed where the throws of passion were swiftly in full swing.

---

“Welcome to my lair!” Clark squeaked as she pulled Shea in her room.

“Oh my God, this is better than my room.” The woman took in all the details that seemed to fit the little girl's personality perfectly. Instead of the traditional pink, Clark's canopy bed was draped in sheer blue cloth that framed her mattress which was topped with several bright pillows that read 'Boom!’ 'Pow!’ 'Splat!’ and 'Kazam!’

The room was lined with shelves that held vintage dolls and action figures that the girl had deemed sacred, but the toys that she did allow herself to play with overflowed out of the bright red chest in the corner. Her bookshelf was lined with all of her favorite comics and storybooks, but if she wanted to read the juicy stuff, she'd have to break into  Matt's man cave.

Since her wardrobe was too massive to fit into her bedroom's closet, the area had been cleared out and covered in colorful handprints by her and her father. Mostly used as a prime location to host tea parties, the space also doubled as a secret hideout from villains and dreaded naptimes.

Shea felt herself becoming emotional once again when she saw the framed photos of the girl with her parents as a newborn and through the different stages of her life up until a few months ago.

“Were you Snow White for Halloween?”

“Yes! And I gave out apples. But don't worry! They didn't have poison.”

“Good thing,” Shea chuckled. She wiped her eyes.

Clark frowned. “What's wrong?”

“Oh, nothing. Just allergies.”

The girl folded her arms. “Are you telling the truth?”

Shea turned to look at the girl. “And if I'm not?”

“You'll be in time out.”

“Yeah, well it already feels that way,” she sighed. “I'm fine. So, which superhero is your favorite?”

“Are you sad?”

“You're not going to let this go, are you?”

She giggled. “Nope.”

“I'm not sad... I'm... I don't know. I know you're not old enough to have regrets but-”

“Oh, yes I do! I regret not eating those Skittles that someone left in the bottom of the quarter candy machine.”

Shea cackled. “Fair enough.” She sunk to the floor and folded her legs as she continued to speak. “I just get a little sad when I think about how, if I would've had a baby, what they would've been like.”

“Oh...well what if you had another baby?”

“That's always an option, but there's always the 'what if’ questions.”

“Everyone always has questions.” Clark shrugged. “That's life. But you can't be sad about questions. Superheros have bad things happen to them but they never give up.”

“You're right, Clark. Thank you. You're a great listener.”

“That's what Mommy always says!” Clark rushed to her walkie talkie and pushed the button before she spoke. “Mommyyyy!” After a few seconds with no response, she shouted into

device again. “Or Daddyyyy! Are you sleeping?! It's not bedtime yet!”

“Y-Yes?” Violet panted into the walkie talkie. “What is it, Clark?”

“Miss Shea said that I'm a great listener like you do!”

“That's so awesome, baby. She's right.”

“Yeahhhh. What are you doing?”

“Um, I'm about to shower. What about you?”

“Playing with Miss Shea. Where's Daddy?”

“In the shower.”

The girl wrinkled her nose. “But yo-”

“No, no, I mean he's just using the bathroom and then when he comes out, I'll shower.”

“Good! You need privacy!”

Shea covered her mouth to conceal her laughter.

“Yes, I do, sweetheart. I will definitely wait until he leaves before I go in.”

---

“Yes! Yes!” Violet moaned out, clinging to Matt as he fucked her against the glass wall of the shower. “Right there, baby! Yes!” The hot drizzle from the shower pattered against her skin; paired with the man's deep strokes, it made for such an incredible sensation that the woman couldn't help but tremble. “Ohhhh myyyy Gooooddddd!”

“I fucking love you,” Matt grunted as he neared his climax.

“I love you too, baby. So fucking much.”

The man groaned as he came, sending his hot load of cum into the condom that lined his lover's sugar walls. Matt kissed Violet all over before turning off the shower and lowering her to the tile.

“I'm going to start dinner,” the woman said while she wrapped a towel around her head. “After I do my hair and get dressed.”

“Oh God, that'll take forever. I'll do it. What do you want to eat?”

“Whatever you feel like making, honey baby boo bear. I trust your judgement.”

“Aw, thanks, snuggle wuggle buddy. I'll be sure to make something extra delicious then.”

“Well, there's nothing more delicious than you, sugar lips. Don't go cookin’ yourself now.”

“If you wanna dip me and chocolate and call it a night, I'm down. The child can fend for herself.”

Violet laughed and gently poked the man's nose. “Sounds like a plan.”

The newly engaged couple shared a kiss before Matt exited the shower and patted himself dry prior to getting dressed. He made his way down the hall, stopping at Clark's room when he heard the toddler giggling. He pushed the ajar door all the way open to find Shea reading her latest comic to the girl.

“What's going on, ladies?”

“Miss Shea is telling me about her main super hero character! She has a fire crotch!”

Matt's expression was stunned before his parental instincts took over. “Shea, can I talk you outside for a second?”

“Uh oh,” Clark groaned. “Whenever someone is in trouble, he wants to go outsideee.”

“Now,” the man order. “Clark stay in your room.”

“Yeah,” the toddler sighed. “I know the drill.”

Matt stormed down the stairs and out the front door while Shea followed suit shortly thereafter. He made a sharp turn to face the woman.

“Why in the hell are you saying things like 'fire crotch’ to my daughter?”

“She saw one of my illustrations- that wasn't even inappropriate mind you, and she came to her own conclusion. I asked her where she got it from she said 'that’s what Mommy calls people with orange hair’. I told her that someone her age shouldn't say it so she stopped saying it right up until you came in. I'd never say anything inappropriate to your kid,” Shea spurted, growing more upset by the second. “Why would you even think that I'd do something like that?!”

“You have a wild sense of humor, Shea.”

“So do you,” she retorted.

Her tone was familiar and Matt knew that this was a lot deeper than bad words. “How do I have a wild sense of humor?”

Shea rolled her eyes and began to make her way towards her car but Matt was persistent and grabbed her arm to stop her. “Tell me how I have a wild sense of humor.”

The woman shoved him. “You're bugging because you had a baby by a woman that you barely even knew! She was a fucking one night stand and you were just so quick to have a child with her!”

“Whoa, where is this coming from?! I thought you and Violet finally liked each other!”

“My problem isn't with her, it's with you!” Before long, the woman was crying again with tears streaming down her face over the releasing of pain that she'd bottled up for the past two years. “I was pregnant, Matty. And you let me get rid of it!”

“It was a mutual decision!”

“Because we were about to be put out because of you! You! You! You! You should've stepped up to the plate, grew the fuck up and taken care of us! No woman wants to abort a baby solely because she feels like she won't be able to support it! You were my husband. You were supposed to take care of me, tell me that everything was going to be okay but no, you let me kill our baby,” she sobbed. “And now I can't even get pregnant.”

Matt hated seeing how hurt the woman was and he couldn't help but cry a little himself. “What do you mean?”

“I have been trying to start a family with my boyfriend but it's just not happening. Negative pregnancy test after negative pregnancy test, miscarriage after miscarriage, it's like I'm being punished for what I did. I wake up ha-hating myself sometimes,” Shea choked out before Matt pulled the weeping woman into an embrace.

“It's okay,” he sniveled into her hair. “It'll be okay.”

“But it won't though,” Shea sobbed.

“Have you tried the fertility clinic?”

“No.”

“Well, you should. Explore all of your options, babe. I'll even go with you if you want.”

The woman nodded as she wiped her eyes. “I'd like that.”

“Good. In the meantime, let's finish up Christmas.”

The duo returned inside of the house and after assuring Clark that it was okay to leave her room, the girl and Shea assisted Matt in the kitchen.

“A traditional Christmas dinner in one hour or less,” he assured them as he pulled out various items from the pantry.

Clark donned her apron and skittered around the kitchen, making a senseless mess of the flour and water her father had given her. “Bon appetit!” she cheered while she mixed her ingredients.

“How are your biscuits coming along, boo?”

“Good! Can I add more salt?”

“Sure.” The man handed his daughter the salt shaker and she quickly dumped the entire contents of the bottle into the bowl.

“What kind of biscuits are you making, Clark?” Shea asked.

“Death biscuits,” the girl replied with a hint of sinisterness in her tone.

“Oh my goodness. And who's gonna eat those death biscuits?”

“Everyoneeeee!”

“Well, I think I'll pass on the death biscuits.”

“That's okay, Daddy will eat them. Won't you, Daddy?”

“Of course, boo,” he said, flashing a grimace to Shea.

The woman smiled, and for a second, she felt as if the two of them were her husband and child. “Okay, Clark. I'll try whatever you make.”

“Yayyy! You'll love it.”

“I'm sure I will, sweetie.”

---

“Girl, we've got work to doooo. Pass me the paint and glueeee,” Violet sang as she ran the brush through her damp hair. “Perfect isn't easy, but...it's...meeeeeeee!” She plugged in the blow-dryer and turned it on full blast before she began giving herself face shots while she continued to sing, fulfilling her ‘wind in hair’ fantasy as if she was Beyoncé. “When one knows the world is watching, one does what one must! Some minor adjustments darling, not for my vanity but for humanityyyy.”

---

“Where's Mommyyyy?” Clark groaned. “I'm ready to bake my biscuits but she said I can not use the oven without her parent superstition!”

Shea laughed at the adorable misuse of the word. “I could help you, if you want. And if it's okay with Daddy.”

"Sure,” Matt mindlessly replied as he mashed the potatoes and grated cheese for the macaroni at the same time.

“Yayyy!” his daughter cheered. “Get my pan from the cabinet and preheat the oven, pleaseeeee.”

“Done and done,” Shea said as she immediately went to work. The domestic situation made her want to burst at the seams, but the woman used every second of the low rent 'I Love Lucy’ set up as practice for whenever she'd have a family of her own.

After grabbing the baking sheet, she misted it with some Pam before assisting Clark in plopping the clumps of dough onto it.

Embracing the entire Christmas theme Violet  slowly descended the stairs in her red, fur lined  robe. With every hair in its place and perfect makeup, the newly engaged woman felt like a queen. While she was in search of her king, the woman puckered her lips and floated into the kitchen like Mortician Addams.

“You do this so much better than Mommy,” she heard as she rounded the corner. “She doesn't like icky things like dough on your fingers.”

“Awe, well I don't mind,” Shea said.

“You'd make a good Mommy.”

“Awwww, thank you, sweetie,” the woman squealed as they shared a hug.

Violet scowled. “Excuse me? What's going on here?”

“We're cooking!” Clark announced.

“Oh…” She shot Shea a glare. “Well, I want to help.”

“Good!” the girl cheered. “You can help, Daddy.”

“But I want to help you.”

“Noooo. You'll be sad if you get dirty. Go set the table.”

“Really, Clark?”

“Go sit down, Mommy, we're almost finished. We'll bring you your food because you're a princess and it will be delicious!”

Violet rolled her eyes and made her way over to her fiance. “Do you hear how she's speaking to me, Matthew? She's being a brat.”

“Uh huh,” he mindlessly mumbled, staring at the caramel sauce while he stirred it.

“Well, say something to her!”

“Ssshhhhhh! Babe, please. This is a delicate process.” The man sank so that he was eye level with the pan while he continued to gently stir.

The aggravated woman turned when she heard Clark giggling. Her daughter and Shea had practically started a food fight and Violet instantly saw nothing but red.

“Are you fucking kidding me?! Clark, you know better! And Shea who the fuck do you think you are?! You're a guest in my home and this is the respect that you show?! Clark, go to your room. Shea, get out.”

“Mommy, no!” Clark protested. “We are just having fun and you are being a meanie head!”

“I said, go to your room!”

“No!”

Violet stormed over to the disobedient child,  picked her up and started to make her way to her room. Clark could do nothing but kick and scream and when her designer shoe struck her mother in the stomach, the woman retaliated by popping the girl on her bottom.

By the way she hollered, people would've thought that Clark had been snapped by a bear trap. Matt quickly rushed over to them.

“What the hell is going on?”

“Get your child before I literally kill her,” Violet fumed as she placed the wailing girl into her father's arms.

“Don't say shit like that,” the man retorted.

“She just kicked me in the stomach!”

As Clark continued to thrash, Matt sighed, carried his daughter to her room and placed her on the bed. “Clarkkkkk,” he cooed as he patted his sobbing daughter on the back. “What's wrong? Wanna tell me what happened?”

“You know what happeneddddd!” she screeched into her 'Pow!’ pillow.

“I heard your Mom's side of the story, now I want to hear yours.”

Clark continued to cry as she sat up, hyperventilating as she choked out her words. “W-We were trying to do the di-dinner and M-M-Mommy came in. Sh-She-She wanted to help bu-bu-but Miss Shea and I we-were almost finishedddd. So Mommy needed to be the princess and set the table!”

“Ssshhh, it's okay, boo. What else happened?”

“I put some dough on Miss Shea's nose and she did the same to me and said it was like a mud face lift stuff so we kept going and some hit the floor. Mommy doesn't like messes so she yelled at usssss.”

“And you yelled back?”

“Yes! Mommy was being the villain so I had to stop her but she spanked me,” Clark said with a quivering lip that made Matt want to give her all the cookies and ice cream in the world to make it all better.

“But boo, you were throwing a tantrum and kicked Mommy. That hurt her.”

“She's the villainnnn.”

“I know Mommy can seem like Poison Ivy sometimes but we have to listen to her because, well... she's Mommy. Even if you don't agree with her, you have to be good and listen to her because she loves you and wants nothing but the best for you, boo. Okay?”

“Okay,” the girl sobbed.

“Will you come down and apologize to Mommy?”

Clark nodded as she wiped her eyes.

“Can I have a hug?” Matt invited his daughter into his arms. When she climbed into them, he kissed her head and gave her a firm squeeze before carrying her towards the door.

“Wait! I need Lex Luthor.” The man stopped so that Clark could grab her stuffed bear. “I need my sidekick just in case.”

“Just in case what?”

“Mommy said she wanted to kill me. I'm always prepared for battle.”

Matt's jaw dropped. “Boo, she doesn't really want to...ugh, she owes you an apology as well.” The man carried his daughter down the stairs and into the living room where Violet sat on the sofa with her legs crossed as she sipped on her wine.

“Where is everyone?” he asked.

“I told them to leave,” Violet replied.

“But this was my party, not yours.”

“This is my house. I can do what I want. I don't need them all looking at me crazy.”

The man rolled his eyes. “Clark has something to say.”

Matt lowered his daughter to the floor and the girl hid behind her teddy bear as she spoke. “Mommy, I'm really sorry for ye-yelling and hurting you.”

“It's okay, my love,” she said as she extended her arms.

Clark slowly made her way into them. Violet kissed her head but the girl stared up at her through a frown and impatient eyes.

“What?”

“I'm waiting.”

“Waiting for what?”

“My apologies!”

Violet scoffed. “What apologies?”

“She thinks that you want to kill her because of what you said.”

“Huh? Oh, pfft, I didn't mean that and you know it.”

“I don't care if you didn't mean it or not, you don't say shi- stuff, like that to our kid! You hurt her feelings, so apologize!”

“I'm sorry, Clark,” Violet offered.

The girl smiled. “It's okay, Mommy.” She pressed both of her tiny hands against the woman's cheeks. “I love you sooo much.”

“Awww, Mommy loves you too.”

“Will you try my death biscuits?”

“Death biscuits?”

“Yes! Miss Shea helped me make them.”

Violet shot her fiance a look. “What was up with that? Playing house with your ex?”

“Oh stop it, Violet, that's not even the case and you know it. She's my oldest friend and-”

“She is so much older, isn't she? No wonder you divorced her for me.”

“What are you talking about? She's 32 like me. And I didn't divorce her for you, we'd been separated for years before I even met you. And since you turn 30 this year, you aren't that far behind in the age department.”

“Oh, fuck all the way off. I'm 28.”

Matt scowled. “Stop cursing in front of my daughter.”

“Clark, do you know that 'fuck’ is a bad word?”

“Yes,” the toddler nervously replied.

“See, she's not dumb.”

“Boo, go to your room.”

She frowned. “But I just left my roommmm. When are we going to do Christmas?”

“We'll do it after I talk to Mommy.”

“Okay,” she sighed as she slowly trekked up the stairs.

When Matt heard Clark's door close, he turned to Violet. “What the fuck is your problem? Why are you being such a bitch?”

“Oh, I'm being a bitch? Would you prefer it if Shea was here?”

“So, despite being proposed to today and proposing to me today, you're still jealous, insecure and think that I want my ex? Nice.”

“I'd never be jealous of a dry, wannabe Alicia Keys, whore who wishes she had my baby but whores can't be so lucky. She-” Violet paused when Matt stepped towards her.

“I swear to God that I want to ring your fucking neck sometimes,” he snarled.

“Are you seriously talking to your fiancee like this over some bitch?!”

“She's not just some bitch.”

“Clearly! You let her call my child all kinds of terms of endearment. 'Sweetie’ and shit.” The woman downed the remainder of wine that was in her glass.

“You're an alcoholic,” Matt said with all kinds of judgement behind his tone.

“I'm not even drunk! And I don't even drink that much- just enough to be attracted to you.”

Without another word the man turned on his heel and entered the kitchen.

“Matthew, I was joking!” She pushed herself out of her seat and over to the man who ignored her as he grabbed plates from the cabinet. “Oh my God, are you seriously butt hurt over that?”

“It's probably true,” he grumbled.

“Cut the shit, Matthew. For one, you know good and goddamn well that I don't drink that much. And secondly, you know how hot I think you are.”

“Do you think I'm hot or do you feel like you got trapped because I knocked you up and you know it's hard for someone with kids to find love?”

“Let's get one thing straight, Matthew James Lent. You're hot, but I'm way hotter. Child or not, I could get any man that I wanted.”

“Even with your stretch marks?” When Violet gasped, he laughed. “Just kidding. I'm only saying that to get under your skin... literally.”

“Matthew, that's not funnyyyy. I opened up to you and now you're using it to make fun of meeee,” she whined.

“I'm not making fun of you. I think your ripples are cute.” He stole a kiss from her pouty lips. “Go get Clark so we can eat.”

Violet made her way to the bottom of the stairs. “Clark!”

“Yes, Mommy?”

“Dinner's ready!”

As if it was the actual Christmas morning, Clark sprinted down the stairs and jumped into her mother's arms. Violet carried the girl into the dining room prior to making her way back to the kitchen, but she paused when she heard Matt's voice.

“Yeah. Oh, yeah? What time? No, that's good because Clark's dentist appointment is at 2 so that should be fine. I'll be there.”

Violet rounded the corner. “Be where?” she demanded.

Matt jumped. “Jesus, woman! You scared me.”

“You should be scared. Who are you talking to?”

“Shea.”

She folded her arms. “Why are you talking to her?”

“Because I'm a grown ass man, that's why.”

“But she was rude to me! Me! Your fiancee!”

“You just love that new title don't you?”

“Yes! And I should love the entitlement that comes with it, but you're being a jerk!”

“I’m not being a jerk. You just want to dictate my life.”

“Duh! That's what wives do!”

Matt laughed. “Alright, Violet. What do you want me to do other than stop talking to Shea because that won't happen.” The woman scowled and turned on her heel but Matt rushed after her. “Babe, I'm trying to be open and honest with you.”

“Then tell me where you're going with her tomorrow.”

“To a doctor's appointment.”

Violet made a face. “Very domestic.”

“She's my one of my best friends and she wants me there. She's the Naomi to my Violet.”

The woman sighed. “Fine, Matthew. Can we just  eat now?”

“Yeah. Shea, I gotta go. Alright, bye.”

Violet swiftly set the table and before long, the small family was feasting on a meal that was meant for all of their guests.

“This caramel cake is really good, Matthew.”

“I know it is,” he said smugly.

He pulled the woman into a kiss.

Clark covered her eyes.

“Oh, get over here, you little dork,” Violet said as she grabbed her daughter. “You want some kisses?”

“Nooo,” the girl protested. “Kisses are icky!”

Violet kissed her daughter all over her face and hair.

Clark giggled as she attempted to fend off her mother's attack. “Heyyyy, you're driving me coconuts!”

Violet laughed and returned her to her seat.

Clark grabbed her basket of biscuits. “Try one.”

“What are these?”

“My death biscuits!”

“Why are you calling them that?”

“Because it's a catchy name!”

“But that makes people not want to eat them, baby.”

“Miss Shea would've eaten some,” Clark grumbled.

Violet frowned and snatched one of the rock-like biscuits out of the basket and shoved it into her mouth. She bit into it and shrieked. “Ow! God, I think I broke my fucking tooth!”

Clark frowned. “I’m sorry, Mommy.”

Violet pushed herself out of her seat and rushed into the bathroom. “I swear to God, my goddamn teeth better be intact!”

Matt groaned internally because the woman had no idea how to fake eating their daughter's inedible concoctions like he did.

“Did I really make Mommy's teeth fall out?” Clark asked Matt with a frown.

“No,” he assured.

“Owwwwww,” Violet groaned from the bathroom.

“Maybe,” Matt reiterated. “But look on the bright side. Mommy would look good as a pirate.”

Clark giggled. “Arrr!”

Matt cackled before putting on a grimace. “I'll make ye walk the plank!”

The girl grabbed her belly as she laughed. “Oh, you're making my tummy happy.”

Violet returned to the dining room. “My fucking tooth is chipped.”

“Which one?” Matt asked.

The woman pulled back her lip and showed the man her damaged molar.

“Oh, that's not that bad. You still cute,” he assured, stealing a kiss in the process.

“Well, it's not going to stay that way. I'll take Clark to the dentist tomorrow and get it fixed then.”

“Ask them to fix your breath problem while they're at it,” Matt teased.

The woman self-consciously covered her mouth. “Does my breath stink?”

He nodded. “Like Goblin farts.”

“Goblin farts?!”

Clark laughed so hard that she snorted.

“You're such a jerk!” Violet groaned as she plopped a spoonful of potatoes on the man's head.

“Food fight!” their daughter shouted and before the woman could protest, macaroni, turkey legs and cake was being sent across the room in every direction possible.

“Have a death biscuit!” Clark shouted as she tossed one of the hard lumps that hit the wall at top speed, leaving an indentation in the plaster.

“Okay, that is where I draw the line!” Violet shouted. “Let's stop before the death biscuits really do kill someone.”

The girl pouted. “Sorry.”

Matt sighed at the abrupt end to their fun.

“Well, let's clean up,” Violet urged.

The father/daughter duo reluctantly began to pile their dishes.

“I meant us, sillies! Matthew, go get the hose!”

“Yayyyy!” Clark cheered as she rushed out of the backdoor. She was quickly greeted by Loki and Dr. Doom who began to lick the food off of her.

“What brought this on?” Matt asked. “I never thought I'd see the day that Violet Chachki encouraged messiness.”

“Violet Chachki would never encourage messiness, but Violet Lent wants to have fun with her family.”

Matt smiled and leaned in for a kiss but his lips were greeted by a handful of mashed potatoes.

“Hey!”

“Catch me if you can!” Violet said as she bolted out of the backyard.

Matt wiped his face and was swift on her heels prior to grabbing the water hose. He blasted the woman with the cold water.

“Ahhh! Clark, save me! Clark?” Violet looked around the yard but the girl was nowhere to be found. “Clark!”

The small child sprinted from behind the dog house with her Super Soaker in hand. “Eat water, evil doer!” she shouted as she shot at her father.

Violet sighed in relief. “Go, Clark, go!”

“I'll protect you, Mommy!” the girl declared as she continued to fire at her father and dodge any attacks he had with the hose.

“Rawr!” Matt growled.

“Die, monster, die!” Clark got out before abruptly stopping. “You guys should have a water wedding!”

“No way,” Violet protested.

“What about a comic book wedding?”

“Yes!” Matt agreed.

“No!”

“This is my wedding too because I asked you to marry Daddy,” Clark reminded. “If we both want comic book, you're going to lose.”

Violet scoffed. “I never lose. Especially if Daddy wants special time with me.”

Matt went to complain, but Clark intervened. “Don't fall for her kryptonite, Daddy!”

“Alright, that's enough playtime for you,” he said as he scooped the child into his arms.

“Don't become one of her minions!”

The girl was in dire need of a nap, so Violet wanted to put her future husband's family skills to the test. She leaned in to whisper in his ear. “If you can get her down in fifteen minutes, I'll swallow.”

Without another word, Matt sprinted into the house, dashed up the stairs, peeled the wet clothes off of his daughter, bathed her, put her in pajamas and popped her into bed.

“Daddy, you're like Flash!”

“I know. Now I need you to be like Flash and go to sleep faster than you've ever fallen asleep in your life.”

She frowned. “I’m not tireddd.”

“Clark, please. I have a lot riding on your nap.” Or a lot riding on me if you take the nap, he thought.

“What do I get if I go to sleep?”

“What do you want?”

“A koala bear!”

“Clark, you can not have a koala bear. They carry diseases.”

“So does Uncle Jake but I still love himmmm.”

“Hey, where'd you hear that?”

“Mommy.”

The man scoffed. “Of course. Well, she isn't wrong, but it's still not nice.”

“Please, Daddyyyy? I really want a koala!”

“If you take a nap right now, I'll discuss it with Mommy.”

“Okay!” Clark squeezed her eyes shut.

Matt kissed his daughter's head and tiptoed out of the room. He made his way down the hall and found Violet laying on her stomach across the bed, completely nude.

She looked like an oil painting and Matt couldn't control the tightening in his groin.

“Is the child asleep?” she asked.

“Yeah. Now it's your turn,” Matt growled seductively as he jumped on the bed. As Violet squealed, the man pushed her legs to her chest and quickly wrapped his mouth around her clit.

After making the woman climax twice just from his tongue and fingers, he thrusted his dick into her and made her come three more times before he neared his own climax. The man pulled out.

“Fuckkk,” he grunted as he held off his explosion while Violet reluctantly slid his cock into her mouth. She gave him a few firm sucks before he moaned and sent his hot cum into her mouth. “Open, open,” he urged as he grabbed her chin.

Violet obliged. She opened her mouth and swirled her tongue around to give the man a little show but swallowing his load.

“Fuck, babeee. That's beautiful.” He gave her a hard kiss as a thanks for fulfilling one of his fantasies.

“I want a new Birkin for that.”

“Done.”

---

Matt waited in the lobby of the fertility clinic next to his nervous ex-wife. When he saw that the woman was gnawing on what little fingernails she had left, he grabbed her hand.

“You'll be fine,” he assured.

“It's nerve wrackingggg.”

“I'll bet it is. I mean, how often does a stranger look at your genitals?”

“Sounds like my usual Tuesday night,” Shea joked.

Matt laughed and kissed the back of her hand. “You'll be fine.”

“Miss Couleé?” the nurse called.

“That's us,” she said as she stood. “I mean, me.”

“This way.”

The duo followed the woman to a sterile room and instructed Shea to replace her clothing with the paper robe she'd handed to her before the doctor could see her.

“What would your wife think of this fashion?” she asked as she modeled the generic piece of paper.

“She’d probably die, but I wouldn't get a dime because she's not my wife.”

Shea laughed. “Well, soon-to-be.”

“Yeah.”

“Are you happy?”

“I am. Like, she's just perfect. Temperamental and whiny, but the way her lip curls when she's yelling at me or the way she pouts when she admits that she's wrong or how she justs refuses to back down when she knows she's right...God, what a woman.”

“Awww, little Matty's so in love! I live.”

The man could feel his cheeks turn crimson so he gave a dismissive wave.

“Do you want more kids?”

“Yeah,” he said reluctantly. “But I don't think Violet wants anymore. At least not anytime soon.”

“Fair enough.”

“So how come you didn't ask your boyfriend to come to this?”

“Because he doesn't know that I'm trying to get pregnant. He's a singer so I'm trying to trap him, but just my luck, my fucking uterus is broken.” The expression on Matt's face made the woman cackle. “Kidding! He's on tour.”

Matt scoffed. “And he didn't take off for you?”

“He wanted to but I told him not to lose out on his money for this. This isn't the appointment that matters. However, if we do get pregnant, I want him to be at everything.”

“He better or I'll kick his ass.”

Shea smiled. “I'm glad you're here.”

“You better be, loser,” he teased.

The woman gave him a playful shove before she took her place on the paper covered cot and waited for the doctor to examine her.

“Knock, knock,” the fertility specialist said as he knocked on the door and entered the room. “Hello, Ms. Couleé?”

“Yeah, nice to meet you.”

“Mr. Couleé?”

“Oh, no. I'm just a friend,” Matt assured.

“Ooo, then the lady is single?”

Matt, clearly taken aback, made a face and responded before Shea could. “No, she's not single. Why do you think she's at a fertility clinic? She knows that she can't get pregnant because she's having sex with somebody she loves,” he fumed.

“Matty, calm down.”

“I'm calm, it was just fucking weird for him to ask that.”

“Well, I offer my sincerest apologies,” the doctor offered. “It's just my sense of humor to break the ice with my patients before I look at their genitals.”

“Aww, see Matt. He has great intentions.”

The man rolled his eyes and the doctor began his questioning. After that was over, he instructed Shea lie back and relax.

“Wow, you sure you aren't single?”

Shea laughed but Matt scowled.

“If you make over seven figures a year, I'm definitely single.”

“I'll be quiet now,” the doctor chuckled. “Well, everything down here looks like it's in good shape... really good shape.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Matt asked in disbelief. “Are we on Punk’d or What Would You Do or something because you're a goddamn joke. Make another inappropriate comment like that  and I swear I'll shove those forceps down your throat.”

“Matty, go wait in the lobby,” Shea demanded.

“And leave you alone with captain rapist? No, fucking way.”

“Whoa, Sir,” the doctor interjected. “I take that accusation very seriously.”

“As you should, you fucking pervert!”

“Matty! Go, now!”

The man crossed his arms over his chest. “I'm not going anywhere, but he has one more time to say something slick.”

The doctor nervously cleared his throat as he checked Shea's chart. “It says here that you put 'Yes’ for smoking and drinking and recreational drug use. What kind of drugs?”

“Oh, a little of everything. Besides cocaine. My sinuses are too bad to be snorting stuff.”

“Well, drinking and drug use can be a real problem when it comes to fertility.”

“Seriously? I see all of these goddamn crackheads getting pregnant like it's their part time job.”

The man shrugged. “It just depends on the person. And your body is…” he was clearly censoring himself as Matt glowered. “Your body is trying to tell you that it can't have a healthy baby under those conditions.”

“Damn. I have to give up my blunts.”

“Only for nine months,” he assured. “If that doesn't work, you can always look into...other options.”

The suggestion sounded too sexual for Matt's liking. He pushed himself out of his seat.

“But getting drug free is what you should start with,” the man stammered. “Try again with your partner. And if that doesn't work, you know where to find me.” The doctor rushed towards the exit but not before he flinched at Matt pretending to lunge at him.

Shea laughed so hard that she snorted.

“I'm glad you're amused by this. Now put your clothes on so we can leave.”

“Can we go eat ice cream?”

“Sure.”

---

“No more ice cream for youuuu,” Clark teased her mother.

“She eats more candy and junk than me! How do I have a cavity and she doesn't?”

The dentist shrugged.

“This is devastating.”

“It's just one cavity, Mommy. It's not the end of the universe.”

“Shut your trap, little miss perfect smile.”

Clark grinned. “You have a cavity and a chipped tooth. You should have a tooth fairy wedding so she can fix you all up.”

Violet gasped. “Who teaches you to be so shady?!”

“You.”

Violet sighed. “Fair enough. Fill 'er in, doc.”

---

By the time Violet made it home from running her errands, she found her fiance watching TV in bed. She kissed him.

“How was the dentist?”

“Ugh, don't even get me started on that. How was the doctor's appointment with your precious Shea?”

“It was alright, but I almost killed that goddamn doctor.”

“Why?”

“He was such a perv! While he was looking at her  down there he'd say shit like ‘oh, are you single? It looks really, really good down here’.”

“What the- why would a doctor be looking at her down there? STD?”

“She went to a fertility clinic.”

The woman paused. “Hold on, let me get this straight. You took your ex-wife to a fertility doctor...where her vagina was all out...do you have any idea how that looks?!”

“Well, duh I know how her vagina looks. We were married for like ten years.”

“Not her vagina, Matthew! The situation! That's like me going to the sperm bank with my ex and helping him finish for the cup!”

He scoffed. “That's totally not the same thing.”

“Well it is to me,” Violet sniffled. “You don't even care enough about my feelings to admit it!”

Matt groaned. “Babe, what do you want from me?!”

“All of you!”

“You have all of me! I proposed, didn't I?!”

“Well, I don't want anyone trying to take you away from me! I want to get married sooner rather than later!”

“Okay!”

“If I have things ready by next two weeks will you be ready?!”

“Yes!”

“Alrighty, then!”

“Okay! Can we stop yelling now?!”

The appeased woman nodded. “I love you.”

“I love you too, pumpkin.”

“Ah, ah, ahhhh,” Violet reprimanded as she wagged her finger. “Save it for your vows.”

---

1 week later

---

When Violet heard her doorbell ring she rushed to open it and squealed when she saw that her guest had arrived.

“David Tutera! Hello!” the woman greeted the world renowned wedding planner.

“Hi, gorgeous,” he replied as he kissed both of her cheeks.

“It's so nice to meet you, come on in.”

Violet led the man to the dining room table where she'd set out photos, swatches and magazine clippings of what she wanted for her big day.

“So what do we have here?” he asked as he sat down.

“My wedding plans! Okay, so I want the grandest, most expensive, most over the top, like, we need to shut down the city and call the mayor because it'll be that amazing. Literally the best wedding that you've ever done before, David!”

“Um, okay. I think I could manage that. And when is your wedding day?”

“Next week.”

The man's jaw dropped. “Are you kidding me?! When I do weddings, I at least take six months to prepare!”

“Well, clear your schedule, sweetheart. I needed my fiance to legally be mine since like yesterday, so figure it out. You need to do this wedding by next week.”

“Excuse me? Do you have any idea who I am and whose events I've planned?!”

“Well, duh. I called you for a reason, but this is an opportunity for you to step up your game.”

“Unbelievable,” the man said as he pushed himself out of his seat. “Good luck with this one. I'm not touching it.”

“Seriously?! Do not understand the severity of what you're saying to me?! I am the fashion director at Girly Magazine, my column could make or break your entire line of bridal gowns!”

David blew her a kiss. “I'll pass. Good luck, sweetheart.” As the wedding planner passed the stairs, he froze when he saw the man in the fitted Spiderman costume, that left little of his physique to the imagination, descending them.

Matt pulled off his mask and shook out his hair. “Hey,” he greeted. “You must be David. I'm Matt, the fiance.”

David gulped. “Nice to meet you.”

“Thank you so much for agreeing to come help Violet. She deserves it.”

“Yeah? Well, I'd be more than happy to help you.”

Violet squealed. “So you changed your mind?!”

Without taking his eyes off of Matt, the wedding planner nodded.

“Yayyyy!”

“Super Clark, awayyyy!” the girl shouted as she sprinted by in nothing but her cape, goggles and underwear.

---

Over the next week, David failed to get Matt more involved with the wedding planning so the scheduled appointments became fewer and farther between.

An agitated Violet quickly took matters into her own hands and fired the man in dramatic fashion. And to prove a point, she called the producers of the hit television show Bridezillas.

“Matthew, sit down so that we can do this goddamn interview!”

“I'm not good with camerasss. Why'd you call them?”

“So that people can see what a shitty planner David actually is! He literally wanted little to nothing to do with just me because I probably intimidated him too much and I want people to see that.”

Matt rolled his eyes. “He was nice enough to me.”

“Babeee,” she whined. “You were absent for the venue and the linen pickings, this is the least that you can do.”

“You seriously think I'd take off of work for table clothes?”

“Yes!”  

“Um, no. I'm still paying off that damn Birkin so taking off, especially for tablecloths, is not an option right now. Call me for important stuff like the cake tasting and the actual day of the wedding.”

“You're such a typical man!”

“Thank you.”

“Ugh!” the woman groaned before storming off and entering the nearest bathroom before slamming the door behind her.

The Bridezilla producers high-fived each other. “This is pure gold!”

Violet peeked out of the bathroom. “You filmed that?”

“Of course! You were brilliant.”

“That was not brilliant! I can't even get my fucking fiance to cooperate! All he cares about is his stupid work and me swallowing and I've had it up to here with him!”

The producers high-fived again.

---

A few days later Violet managed to get Matt out of work with a cake tasting while the Bridezilla cameras followed all the while.

The baker brought out several samples before the man and his daughter dove into the same slice.

“Damn, that's good.”

“Damn, that's good!” Clark repeated with a mischievous giggle.

“Hey,” Matt chastised. “Don't say that.”

“Hey,” she mocked. “Don't say that.”

“Oh, so we're a parrot today?”

“Oh, so we're a parrot today?”

“Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. A peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked. If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, Where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?” Matt spewed.

“Peter...pickles... pizza!” she said with a cackle.

Matt laughed and kissed her forehead. “So what's this flavor?” he asked the baker.

“That's the birthday flavor. It’s French vanilla with sprinkles added into the batter.”

“I love it. It's the one.”

“I love it. It's the one,” Clark repeated.

“Hold on, jerks,” Violet protested. “I have to taste more.” The woman sampled the chocolate cake and practically melted in her seat. “That's amazing. Out of everything I've tasted, that's the best. I want this one.”

Matt wrinkled his nose. “I don't like chocolate cake.”

“I don't like chocolate cake,” Clark reiterated despite it being a lie.

“Well, too bad. I want this.”

“Woman, this is not a dictatorship. We both have to agree.”

“Woman, this is not a dictatorship. We both have to agree.”

Violet scoffed. “Both of you need to just shut up and agree to have the chocolate.”

“Well, you can have both,” the baker reminded.

“No, this isn't even about the cake anymore,” Violet fumed. “It's about these two trying to gang up on me.”

“What are you even talking about?!”

“What are you even talking about?!”

“I want the chocolate cake but you guys are being extra!”

“We can get both flavors, Violet! What's the fucking problem with that?!”

“We can get both flavors, Violet! What's the freaking problem with that?!” Clark added, being careful to censor herself.

“This is the problem!” Violet shouted as she tossed a handful of cake at the man. “You're my problem! You're not fucking listening to me!”

Matt dusted the crumbs off of himself before grabbing the cake with the most frosting and planting in directly into the woman's face.

Clark hid behind her fingers and waited for her mother's reaction.

Violet cleared the icing from her face. “Okay, Matthew,” she said with a light chuckle. “I'm literally going to kick your ass.” To the baker's chagrin, a cake fight quickly ensued.

The Bridezilla cameras caught every moment and even caught a lens full of frosting when Clark began to target them.

“Okay, okay,” Matt relented. “You can have your chocolate.”

“I’m glad you came to your senses,” Violet said as she caught herself from slipping on the strawberry filling.

“Absolutely. The wedding cake will be chocolate but my groom's cake will be the birthday flavor.”

“Groom’s cake?”

“Yayyy! We have come to a settlementalize!” Clark cheered.

---

Naomi couldn't believe how emotional Violet was when she met her friend in the airport parking lot.

“I fucking missed you!”

“I missed you too! I get back from my honeymoon and find out that you're engaged and planning your damn wedding- on Bridezillas!”

“Yeah,” she sniffled.

Naomi wiped the woman's tears. “I'm back, babe. Let's do this thing.”

---

Violet slinked out of the bridal dressing room in the tightly fitted strapless gown.

Raven and Naomi gasped while Clark wrinkled her nose.

The woman stopped in front of the full length mirror and groaned. “Oh my God, you guys I'm so fat! This is a fucking size four and I had to suck it in to squeeze into the motherfucker.”

“Lazaro’s dresses run small though,” Raven reminded. “Fucking asshole.”

“At least it isn't David Tutera,” Naomi teased.

Violet rolled her eyes. “Oh, God. Did you finish that article on him?”

“I did. He's officially dead in the fashion world.”

“Good. But that still doesn't help this dresssss,” Violet whined.

“I hate it,” Clark admitted.

“Really, CC?” Naomi asked.

“Yes! It's too plain. Where is the princess dress that I picked out for you?”

Violet turned from side to side, examining her silhouette in the dress before groaning. “I'll try on your pick now, sweetheart.”

When the woman returned to the dressing room, she gave the dress that she intentionally hated a second look. The consultant pulled the large ball gown from its protective casing and Violet took in every detail from the full skirt with soft jewel appliques and a train so long that it gave Princess Diana a run for her money to the delicate beading on the bodice that offered a hint of sparkle but nothing too over the top.

“This is actually really beautiful.”

The woman climbed out of the fitted dress and the bridal consultant assisted her in pulling the ball gown over her hips and gliding the off-the- shoulder sleeves into place before she attempted to corset the woman up.

“Fuck, that's tight,” Violet groaned. “What size is this?”

“A six.”

“Six?! Oh my God, I'm obese.”

“You're not obese...just a little bloated.”

“Bloated?!” She exploded.

“I'm sorry, you-”

“No! Get the fuck away from me! Naomi!”

Her friend entered the room a few moments later. “Yes, honey?”

“This bitch just called me bloated. I want to get the fuck out of here!”

“Whoa, why would you say that?”

“I-” the consultant got out before Violet cut her off.

“Because she's an evil bitch! I'm never coming to this boutique again and I'll take my five million Girly Magazine subscribers with me!”

Violet stormed out of the dressing room and when Clark saw her mother, the small child's entire face lit up.

“Mommy, you look so beautiful!”

“You really think so, baby?”

“Yes!”

“You really are glowing, Vi,” Naomi assured.

“And your boobs look incredible,” Raven added.

The woman sniffled. “Thank you, guys. I feel fat, but beautiful nonetheless.”

“David Tutera, eat your heart out!” Raven shouted at the nearest Bridezilla camera. “I’m sorry to hear about the unfortunate blaze that reduced  your bridal warehouse to ashes.”

“Buy that one! Buy that one!” Clark urged.

“I'm not buying anything from here. I will call Vera Wang herself and get my own, custom made gown that fits me perfectly without a goddamn size tag on it.”

“That's like cheating,” Naomi admitted. “I love it.”

“Mommy, are you saying yes to this dress?!”

“Yes!”

“Wooooo!”

---

6 weeks later

---

“Even though it took us longer to get here than I wanted, I'm glad we made it,” Violet said as a toast to her bridesmaids. “Cheers, bitches!”

“Cheers, bitches!” Clark repeated as she held up her apple juice. On the average day, she would've gotten in trouble, but on her parents wedding day, any form of celebration was accepted.

Violet took a sip of her champagne, but the second that the alcohol touched her lips, the woman became queasy.

“Naomiiii,” she whined. “Please get my veil.”

“How come?”

“I think I'm going to be sick and I don't want to ruin it.”

“Oh, dear.” Naomi panicked but was swift in action to remove the cathedral length piece of lace art from the back of her friend's softly curled updo.

As soon as she was free, Violet gathered the bottom of her massive skirt and stuffed herself into the bathroom. Her maid of honor was right by her side, wrapping a sheet around her neck to protect the dress and her own fitted, blush pink gown from any splatter. Violet spewed into the toilet bowl until her stomach was empty.

“Oh God,” the woman groaned as she flushed.

“Better?”

Violet nodded. “I don't know what that was about.”

“Premarital nervousness?”

“Sounds about right,” she sighed.

“Okay, good. I was thinking oh, lord let's not have food poisoning today of all days.”

“I haven't even eaten anything. I had a salad last night and cranberry juice this morning because I didn't want to be bloated.”

“You aren't pregnant, are you?” Naomi joked but the expression on Violet's now pale face was eerily familiar. “Oh my God, Vi! Is this why you've been feeling moody and bloated?!”

“I'm not moody or bloated!” she retorted through a sniffle.

Naomi folded her arms.

Violet exhaled. “There's a Walgreens a block away from here.”

The woman and her maid of honor rushed out of the bathroom, then out of the bridal suite and down the corridor at top speed.

“We got a runaway bride, y'all!” Raven shouted.

---

“What do you think is taking so long?” Matt nervously asked Jake.

“It takes women a long time to do everything, especially weddings. Just be patient.”

The man took a deep breath and continued to wait for the love of his life.

---

Violet's full skirt was gathered in her hands while Naomi carried the caboose as they skittered down the New York street in four inch heels. The sight earned them honks from cabs, cheers from passersby and premium ratings from the Bridezilla cameras.

When they finally made it to the pharmacy, it was a Deja Vu moment as they each grabbed a handbasket. The women quickly cleared out the pregnancy test section before grabbing a case of plastic cups and a liter of orange juice.

“Are we really doing this here?” Naomi asked as they entered the pharmacy bathroom stall.

“Yes! It's clean enough. Besides, I don't need these people in my business,” she said as she closed the door, blocking off the cameras.

---

Word of Violet's disappearing act quickly spread throughout the church and her father couldn't have been more excited.

“I'm just upset that she literally ran. Why didn't she take the Lamborghini I rented for such great emergencies as this?”

---

“Okay, how are we going to do this?” Naomi asked.

“Get under there.”

“Under your skirt?!”

“Yes! Pleaseeee, Naomi. You know I can't see my vagina, let alone reach it in this dress.”

The woman exhaled. “You're so fucking lucky that I love you like the abusive sister I've never had.”

Violet grinned and lifted her skirt, allowing her friend to crouch down and close her eyes as she removed the bridal thong. “Just place the cup between my thighs, I can hold it up like that.”

Naomi obliged and exited Violet's crinoline as quickly as she could.

“Jesus, you act like it's a sushi bar down there.”

“Is your vagina vajazzled?”

“...Maybe.”

---

Matt nervously paced the altar while Mr. Chachki cheekily made his way down the aisle alone.

“Wh-Where’s Violet?” Matt asked.

“She took my advice. She's gone.”

“What do you mean gone?”

“She ran, son! She realized that this isn't what she wanted. The wedding's off.”

Sharp gasps and low murmurs filled the congregation.

“You're lying,” Matt hissed as he stormed down the aisle pass the man. The second that he rounded the corner, he bumped into his sobbing daughter.

“Daddy, Mommy's gone! She's going to miss the wedding!”

Matt felt his heart swell in his chest as he came to the realization that he was right all along. There was no way that a woman like that could love him.

“Hey, heyyy,” the man cooed as he picked his child up. He refused to let her see him emotional. “It's okay. We won't let these outfits go to waste. There's a Marvel convention going on today. Do you want to go?”

“No, I want Mommyyyy,” she cried.

“I know, but she's not here right now, boo. We can go see Batman in the meantime. Okay?”

“Okayyy.”

With Clark in hand, Matt stormed out of the church doors with no intentions of looking back.

---

“Positive... positive... positive!” Naomi cheered as she read pregnancy test after pregnancy test. “Vi, congratulations! Today is like a two-for-one special!”

Violet burst into tears and her friend pulled her into an embrace. “How could this happen?!”

---

8 weeks earlier

“Is it safe to go condom free in the shower?” Matt asked. “Sperm is less effective in water. I mean that's just science, right?”

---

“Oh, God, my life will be over!” Violet wailed.

“No it won'ttttt. Clark was a surprise baby and look how amazing she turned out.”

“I meant my sex life!”

“Oh... probably,” Naomi said as she answered her phone. “Hey, baby… What?! Why'd he leave?! Oh my God. And where'd they go? Okay, okay, we're on our way.” She hung up. “Matt took Clark and left the ceremony because he thought you were a runaway bride…which is kinda fair.”

“Where is heeee?”

“At the Comic Con thing.”

Violet scowled. “With Shea. Naomi, get your sneakers. We have unfinished business to take care of.”

---

“This is amazing!” Clark squealed. She excitedly patted her father's leg. “Daddy, look! It's Storm!”

“You wanna meet her?”

The girl hid behind the man's pants leg. “I don't knowwww.”

“Aww, don't be scared, boo.”

“Matthew!”

“Okay, now you can be scared.”

Violet stormed through the convention shoving superhero after superhero out of her way.

“Nice costume!” someone complimented.

“Get out of my way!” she snarled as she spotted the man and stormed over.

“Mommyyyy,” Clark cheered, rushing into the woman's full skirt as if it was a snow bank.

“What are you doing here?” Matt demanded.

“Where is she?!”

“Who?!”

“Shea! I know you're at this nerd fest with her!”

“No,” he emphasized. “I'm sure she's here somewhere, but I wouldn't know. I'm here with my daughter.”

“You’re so full of shit, Matthew!”

“Says the bitch who left me at the altar!” he exploded.

Clark quickly covered her ears.

“I didn't leave you! Rushing to Walgreens, I was in too much of a panic to tell anyone what was going on!”

“Walgreens?” he scoffed. “You can't come up with a better lie?”

“It's not a fucking lie! I'm being followed every fucking where by Bridezilla cameras if want proof, ask them, asshole!”

Matt exhaled. “Fine. So you want to explain why you left Clark and I at the church with no explanation?”

“I threw up after tasting champagne and it all went downhill from there.” She took a deep breath. “I’m pregnant.”

The man couldn't process the rollercoaster of emotions that he was feeling. “Oh my God! Babe, why didn't you tell me?!”

“I literally just found out at Walgreens,” she sniffled.

He pulled her into an embrace. “Baby, I'm so sorry for thinking the worst.”

“You really think I'd run? Pfft, if anyone ever runs, it'd be you because I love you way too much for that.”

“I'm not going anywhere,” the man promised. “I love you. I love you. I love you.”

They shared a kiss and the crowd that had gathered to watch the melodrama play out began to cheer.

“Let’s get married. Right here, right now.”

“But we have everything all set up at the venue,” she reminded.

“I know, but I can't go another second without you

being my wife.”

“I'm an ordained minister,” the overweight Deadpool announced. “I could officiant it.”

“Yes!” Matt cheered.

“Matthewwww,” Violet gasped in disbelief. “You really want to get married in front of all of these strangers dressed as superheroes and villains?”

There was an overwhelming applause at the prospect.

“I'd marry you on a boat. I'd marry you with a goat. I'd marry in a dumpster. I'd-”

“Okay, okay,” she rushed out of sheer excitement. “Let's do it.”

As Deadpool dusted the corndog crumbs off of his costume, Matt removed Clark's hands from her ears. “It's okay, boo! We're getting married here!”

“Here?!”

“Yes!”

“But what about the cake?!”

“We can eat the cake afterwards.”

“Yayyy!”

A nearby convention manager handed Deadpool a microphone. “Okay, do you, um-” He held the mic up to the man.

“Matt.”

“Do you take-” He held the mic up to the woman.

“Violet.”

“Do you take Violet-”

“Wait, can you say our full names?” she asked. “It just sounds more classy that way.”

“Okay. Do you-” He held the mic up to the man.

“Matthew James Lent.”

“Take-” He held the mic up to the woman.

“Violet Christine Chachki to be your-”

The small child snatched the microphone. “My name is Clark Christine Lent!”

The crowd cheered making the girl let out a shy giggle. She returned the microphone back to Deadpool.

“Okay, do you take her to be your lawfully wedded wife? To love, cherish and to protect from T-Ray?”

Matt laughed and Violet made a confused face.

“Who's T-Ray?” she asked.

There were low gasps that spread through the crowd.

“He's Deadpool's enemy.”

“Oh...and he's Deadpool?”

“Yes, honey.”

“Ohhhh, okay. I thought he was the Iron Man or something.”

“No, Mommy!” Clark protested. “Just sshhhh and repeat the words. You're embarrassing me and driving everyone coconuts!”

Violet laughed. “Sorryyy.”

“I do,” Matt promised.

“And do you, Violet Christine Chachki, take Matthew to be your lawfully wedded husband. To love, to cherish and to learn as much as you can about Marvel before you crash our convention in a fancy dress ever again?”

Everyone laughed.

“I do.”

“By the holy powers vested in me by the amazing Dr. Killebrew, I now pronounce you hero and...hero in training. You may kiss your bride.”

Matt eagerly tried his hand at romance by dipping his new wife and passionately placing his lips against hers.

“Enough icky stuff!” Clark protested. “Let's go get some cake!”

---

After putting on a second ceremony for their friends and family, the couple happily sashayed into the reception.

Clark danced with her disgruntled grandfather while her parents enjoyed each other's company...a little too much.

Matt kissed along the woman's neck and grabbed her ass while they swayed along to the music.

“Matthewwww,” she giggled. “Be appropriateee.”

“I can't help myselffff. You're beautiful and you're pregnant. We're married and you're pregnant. I wanna make love to you and make more babies but I don't have to ‘cause you're pregnant!”

“Ssshhhhh! I don't want everyone to find out this way. How do you want to tell Clark?”

“I... don't...know,” he said in between kisses. “Can we leave early for our honeymoon?”

Violet laughed. “I can not with you. Um, okay. We'll set an appointment for the ultrasound and make sure that everything is okay before we tell Clark.”

“Tell me what?” The girl with two bare handfuls of cake asked.

Violet jumped. “Clark! What did I tell you about snooping around, listening to people's conversations?”

“Wellll, if it's to get tea on the Starbucks bitch that gave you a full fat latte then-” the woman plopped some of the cake into her daughter's mouth. “You're just a little sponge, aren't you?”

Clark nodded.

To distract the girl from hearing any more secrets, the newlyweds started dinner early. Violet wrinkled her nose at the steak that was placed in front of her.

“So now I know why you've been extra picky lately,” Matt said.

“It doesn't look as good as it did last week when we did the food tasting,” she groaned.

“What are you craving? I'll get you anything you want.”

She looked at him and smiled. “Dill pickles and crunchy peanut butter.”

“Okay, Mrs. Lent.” He kissed her bare shoulder before pushing himself out of his seat. The man rushed to the nearest grocery store, grabbed the desired items and placed them on the conveyor belt.

“Nice suit,” the brace faced, teenage checkout boy said.

“Thank you! It's my wedding day.”

“Oh, wow, congratulations.”

“Wait, there's more. I also just found out that my wife is pregnant!”

“Holy Toledo! You work fast, don't you?! Get over here!”

Matt accepted the hug from the stranger.

“You wanna be my daddy too?” he whispered into the man's ear forcing Matt to snatch away.

“If I wasn't in such a good mood, I'd punch you for that,” he chirped as he grabbed the peanut butter and pickles. “Have a good day, buddy!”

---

As Matt gnawed on his steak with one hand, his other hand managed to grope Violet's thigh while she happily ate her peanut butter dipped pickles.

“Alright, alright, how's everyone doing tonight?” Naomi said into the microphone. “I just want to take a moment to say a few words to my new brother. Matthew, we haven't come very far fashion wise, but I've seen a monumental change in you. You've stepped up to the plate and you're taking care of my sister. I really love how happy you make her, so let's continue to do that and I wish you guys so many years of love and happiness. I love you.”

“Thank you,” Matt replied while Violet blew kisses.

“My turn! My turn!” Clark squealed as she rushed to the stage. Naomi handed her the microphone. “I love my parents sooooo muchhh,” the girl said, speaking with her lips pressed directly against the mic. “And I love my dress and my dogsss, Dr. Doom and Mr. Loki. And I love Grandmas and Grandpaaaa and my aunts and unclesss and my cousins and my toysss and my comicsss and my-”

“Can we give someone else a turn, CC?” Naomi asked.

Clark frowned. “But I'm not finisheddd.”

Naomi defensively raised her hands.

“Twinkle, twinkle, little starrrrrrrr. How I wonder what you areeee?” the girl squeaked into the microphone. Everyone waited patiently for her to finish, and when she received a standing ovation, Clark just knew that they all loved her performance so much that they just had to hear it again.

---

Mr. Chachki clutched the mic tightly in his fist. “I've been a part of my country club for about twenty-six years now and I've taken advantage of the various club activities. Horseback riding, archery, how to assemble an AK 47 in less than twelve seconds. To summarize: I love my children. And if anyone upsets them...well, you can just ask Abraham what happens.”

Rose's husband raised his champagne glass. “I still have the scars.”

Matt gulped.

---

“Twinkle, twinkle little starrrrrrr.”

---

“Um, this is fucking- I mean, freaking amazing,” Jake declared. “I'm lit. This fuc- freaking wedding is lit. The bar is open. I smoked a dubey beforehand and it's just...yeah. Matty, I fuck-freaking love your ass- butt, bro. Violet, you smell really good all the time so that's a plus. Um, I actually had a damn...darn...wait, is Clark allowed to hear 'damn’?”

---

Abraham lifted his shirt. “Scar...scar... spot where the arrow head is still lodged.”

---

“Twinkle, twinkle little starrrrrrrr!”

---

“Because 'darn’ and ‘damn’ are practically the same thing. Any-fucking-way, um, I had surprise for you guys...but I left it at home.”

---

Matt cleared his throat before he spoke into the microphone. “I don't think you guys realize just how much of a mess I was before I met Violet.”

“I do,” Raven interjected to everyone's amusement.

“Yeah, yeah,” Matt chuckled. “My wife...damn, it feels good to say that and have it finally coordinate with the person I'm currently with.”

Violet laughed and disapprovingly waved her finger at the man.

“I love you. I don't think I can stress that enough. And I...I...I just really don't want an arrowhead to be lodged in my shoulder.”

Everyone laughed with the exception of the seriousness of Mr. Chachki.

“Violet Christine, I love you with all of my heart and I'm so happy that we're expanding our family.”

Violet palmed her face.

“Damn...that was supposed to be a surprise, wasn't it?”

With tightly pursed lips, Violet nodded.

The man let out a nervous laugh. “Well…surprise!”

Violet pushed herself out of her seat and stormed into the nearest bathroom, swiftly followed by Naomi then Raven.

“I can't believe that he did that!” she sobbed as settled onto the floor, using the multiple layers of her skirt as a cushion while Naomi handed her tissues.

“Pfft, really? It's Matthew,” Raven reminded. “Just because you married him, doesn't make him any smarter.”

There was a knock on the door.

“Go away, Matthew,” Raven ordered.

“It's not Matthew.”

Violet recognized the woman's voice and frowned. “Shea?”

“May I come in?”

The woman reluctantly nodded her head so Raven slowly opened the bathroom door to let the woman in. She wasn't surprised to see her dressed as Catwoman.

“Sorry that I couldn't get formal. I just left the Marvel convention.”

“Clearly,” Violet sniffled. “What are you doing here?”

“I just wanted to talk…alone,” she said as she looked at the woman's glowering bodyguards.

Raven scoffed. “No way.”

“It's fine,” Violet sighed. “The sooner we talk, the sooner she can leave.”

It wasn't the attitude that Shea wanted, but she'd take what she could get. The woman's bridesmaids reluctantly left the room just to stand on the other side of the door to listen.

Shea’s leather squeaked as she sank to the floor next to the Violet. “So, I saw you guys at the convention and I didn't want to interrupt the moment. It was beautiful.”

“Thank you,” the woman sniffled.

“And congratulations on your pregnancy, girl! I haven't been so lucky, but I'm still trying.”

“Don't wear a condom in the shower,” she suggested.

“Um...thanks for the advice. But really, I just saw Jake's location on his Instagram post and I wanted to stop by to congratulate you. I was hoping that we could be friends.”

“Well, I don't hate, hate you.”

Shea smiled. “That's good enough for me. And I'm really sorry that Matty ruined your pregnancy announcement. He's a little slow sometimes but there's a way of controlling him that you have to master. The secret: his ears.”

“But that's the thing! He totally doesn't listen!”

“The secret isn't listening. It's his ears...literally. They're like hot wired to his dick and if he stroke them enough, he's putty in your hands.”

“Really?” Violet gasped as she processed the information.

“Yes! And if he's drunk, he'll jizz in his pants.”

“No way!”

“Yes, way!” Shea giggled. “This is my wedding gift to you. Use this secret to get him to behave.”

“That's fucking amazing. Thank you so much, Shea,” Violet said as she extended her arms and invited the woman into an embrace.

“Let me in!” Matt demanded on the other side of the door. “She's my wife!”

“And that doesn't give you a right treat her like shit,” Naomi retorted.

“I'm not treating her like shit! In my overexcited state, I just shared the good news at my wedding. Is that really so bad?”

“Let him in!” Violet shouted.

Seconds later, Matt entered the bathroom and was surprised to see Shea.

“What are you doing here…dressed as Catwoman?”

Shea pushed herself off of the floor. “Talked to Violet, just left comic convention.”

“So did we! I really wish that we would've ran into each other s-”

“Shhhh, Matty. That's not important right now.” Shea made her way towards the door. “Congratulations, guys,” she said quietly before exiting.  

Matt crouched to the floor in front of his wife and wiped her tears away.

“Thank God for waterproof mascara, right?”

The man frowned. “Baby, I'm sorry for spilling the beans. I just got way too caught up in the moment.”

Violet sighed. “It's okay. My biggest issue is getting people too excited too soon. I mean, I have no idea how far along I am- I don't like to count my eggs before they hatch.”

“That makes sense but this baby will be fine. I can already tell how strong he is.”

“He?” Violet challenged. “You remember what happened the last time you assumed that you were having boy? It took you like three days to flawlessly use the correct pronouns for Clark.”

“Yeah, yeah, but I'm sure that he's going to be an actual ‘he’ this time.”

The newlyweds laughed. “Only time will tell.”

“In the meantime, do you forgive me?”

Violet nodded and when they shared a kiss, she took the opportunity to grab the man's right ear.

“Wh-Whatcha doing?” he panted.

“Nothingggg,” Violet said mischievously as she began to massage the man's lobe. The woman was amazed that Shea was actually being truthful, let alone see Matt writhe under the simple touch.

“Baby, babyyy, what are- ughhhh.”

“I forgive you for being a big mouth, excited father, but I want another Birkin for the slip up and a pair of Manolos when my feet get too swollen for my regular shoes. Okay?” She gave his ear a firm squeeze.

“Fuck! Yes! Anything you want- it's yours.”

She smiled, released his ear and stole a kiss.

“Did Shea tell you about that?!”

“Yes. But I don't need it. You'd buy me nice things whether I manipulate you or not because you love meeee.”

Matt grabbed the woman and kissed her all over. “I do, I do, my snuggle wuggle bunny.”

As Violet giggled, Clark slowly pushed the bathroom door open. The wide eye girl moved like a baby Frankenstein and was so excited that she began hyperventilating as she approached her mother.

“What's wrong with you?” Violet asked.

“I'm...going...to be...a big...sister!”

“Awww, sweetheartttt! Well, if everything goes-”

Clark placed a sticky hand over her mother's lips to silence her. A year ago, the woman would've had a full on panic attack, but motherhood had desensitized her to child induced messes.

“Don't speak.” She turned to her father. “When will the baby be here?”

“I'm not sure yet. We have to go to the doctor, they can tell us.”

“Is it a boy baby or a girl baby?”

Violet mumbled against the girl's hand but Clark pinched her lips. “Sshhhhh! Ladies with babies can't talk!”

The woman did her best not to laugh.

“Daddy will be your transmitter. Okay?”

Violet nodded.

Clark turned to her father again. “Is it a boy baby or a girl baby?”

“I'm not sure yet. We have to go to the doctor, they can tell us,” he repeated.

“Ugh! Why don't you know anything?!”

“Because I'm not a doctor.”

Clark groaned. “Well I am. I'll tell you all about this baby.” She let go of her mother's lips. “Mommy, lay down.”

“I'm not putting my head on the floor, Clark.”

“Do you wanna know about this baby or not?!”

“I do bu-”

“Then you have to listen to the prosexual doctor! I watch more Doc McStuffins than you so I know what I'm doing!”

Violet went to correct the girl but the cackling Matt pleaded for his wife to let the her continue. He removed his suit jacket and placed it on the floor. “You are now protected from the floor. Lay down and listen to the prosexual doctor.”

The woman rolled her eyes and obliged.

“Daddy, I need your phone.”

The man handed the device over to the small child and watched as she turned on the flashlight. She shined it in Violet's face.

“Hmm..” the girl hummed. “This doesn't look good.”

“What is it, doctor?” Matt asked.

“I can't put my finger on it.. let's listen to the baby.” Clark crouched to the floor and placed her head against her mother's abdomen. “Holy Batman!” she shrieked as she sat up.

Violet jumped. “What's wrong?”

“That baby is yelling!”

The woman rolled her eyes. “Clark, babies don't-”

“What is it saying?” Matt eagerly asked.

Clark returned her ear to her Violet's stomach. “The baby says... it's dark in here and...it wants cake! Okay, little baby, I'll get you some cake!” Clark jumped to her feet and sprinted out of the bathroom.

“I think she has a gift,” the man said honestly.

Violet sat up. “I need to get out of here before that child tries to feed me cake in the bathroom.”

“Good idea.”

Matt quickly stood and helped his wife to her feet. “Are you ready for Paris?”

Violet nodded just as a grimace crossed her face before she rushed into the toilet stall to vomit. Clark burst into the bathroom with two platefuls of chocolate cake. “What'd I miss?”

The woman continued to retch.

“Paris is looking bleaker by the minute. Babe, do you think we should postpone the honeymoon?”

“Until when?” Violet demanded. “When I'm six months pregnant and huge?!”

“No, just until you feel better.”

“News flash, Matthew: pregnancy sucks! I felt like shit throughout the entire first one!” She turned to Clark. “No offense.”

The girl shrugged. “Eh.”

“Well, what do you want to do, babe?”

“Let's-”

“Let's go to Disney World!” Clark suggested.

“We just left Disney World three months ago, boo.”

“Excisely! Three months is a long time. We're due back anyyyy day now.”

“It isn't a half bad idea,” Violet said as she wiped her mouth. “You guys can ride the rides while I eat and wave at you.”

Matt laughed. “That's exactly what happened last time.”

“True but it was fun.”

“Then Disney World it.”

“Yayyyyy!” Clark shrieked. “This is the best day ever!”

“And what does the baby say?” Matt asked.

The girl rushed over to her mother and urged her to lean down.

“Hmm... it's still dark in there...and the baby still wants that cake and oh? What's that? Clark should have a pony?! Yes! You're right, baby, you're right! You'll be the best little brother or sister ever!”

“Get over here, you!” Matt said as he scooped his daughter into his arms. “Let's go get your things packed.”

The family exited the bathroom and as they left the venue, their wedding guests bid them farewell with the bubbles that they blew. Clark eagerly popped them while their getaway car pulled up.

Matt's jaw dropped. “Is that my Batmobile?!”

“Yeahhh,” Violet sighed. “As ugly as it is, I just couldn't let you sell it.”

“Ah, I love you!” Matt shouted as he squeezed her.

“Too tight, too tight,” she wheezed.

“Sorry! Babe, let's go!” The man pulled his wife and child along and they hopped into the specially made sports car.

*-*-*-*

Raven pulled her wife onto the dance floor and Naomi buried her face into the crock of her neck as they swayed. She got a good sniff of the other woman's hair.

“What's that smell? Is that...lighter fluid?”

“Nope.”

Naomi made the face. “Where is your purse?” The woman began to storm off.

“Babyyyy,” Raven groaned as she followed her. “The matches and lighter fluid are only for emergenciessss.”

*-*-*-*

“Ah!” Jake squealed as he sprinted away from Mr. Chachki's arrow. “I'm sorry!”

“Nobody curses and references drugs like that in front of my grandchildren!” the man shouted before releasing the weapon, sending it straight into the man's ass cheek.

*-*-*-*

Shea grabbed her purse and raised an eyebrow at the envelope that was sticking out of it. The woman checked the contents and was surprised to see two first class tickets to Paris. She grabbed the note and read the elegant script.

“‘I refuse to sit on an eight hour flight feeling like shit. Take your boo to Paris and get your ass knocked up!  ❤️  Violet’. Awww! I love that bitch. Now I have to throw away my shady crop top.”

*-*-*-*

“We're the Super Lents!” Clark shouted as her father sped down the road in his Batmobile. The cans tied to the bumper clattered against the asphalt drawing the attention of everyone who cared to read the 'Just Married’ sign attached to the back, the symbol of a new chapter in the young family’s life.

[thetrashyvulpix-blog]

Salvus - what's the worst you've had to do to keep enya happy? Ryan - so what' even the body count for protecting Mitch at this point anyways? Nick - can you stop for like five second pLEASE. Zody - You ever had to stop any suicide attempts from Klonoa before...?

Salvus: 10/10 - Salvus doesn’t want to answer it so badly, he’s worse than Ryan when it comes to “how did it feel to take a life?”. Consider that for a moment.

NSFW ahead.

“.... Grrrrrr....”

“... Enya... Isssss very hard to... Pleasssse.... Sssshe alwayssss wantsss.... Erm... More...”

“Bartleby dammit. The woman issss hornier than a bull in heat! Nearly every day Ssssalvussss comesss to bed with her, in bed, with rope! Not to mention during the day... Do not be fooled. That woman issss a pervert. A complete pervert.”

“But the worssst thing? Oh, dear godsss...”

“Enya isssss not only horny. The perverted woman issss alssssso kinky. Ussssually all she needssss issss the rope. But one night, Enya getssss the idea that there needssss to be a collar and leash, too. And that Ssssalvusss should walk her around the town. Naked.”

“Do you know what that’ssss like? To pleasssse the one you love, Ssssalvussss had to go to ssssuch inssssane lengthssss! Ssssomeone could have ssssseen! And what then? Enya probably would have loved for ssssomeone to ssssee, the pervert!”

“... Then... Why did Ssssalvussss go along with it, you sssay? Why did he not sssay ‘no’?”

“.... Er. Thesssse thingssss are complicated. Marriage isssss a very sssstrange concept to Ssssalvussss. You underssssstand how thesssse thingssss are.”

-

Ryan: 8/10

“... Two in the game. Three, if you count Timpani. Outside of the game?...”

“I lost count after twenty-seven...”

“Alex says it’s not my fault. Those people are too far gone. But I just... Wish there was something I could do, you know? A way other than... Murder.”

-

Nick: 0/10

“No! owo”

-

Zodiac: 9/10

“.... Psh. You’ve got some big balls, asking me that, you bitch. What? You think a question like that’s gonna make me respect ya? ‘Hey, look at this whore, she can prod the big bad gang leader’s emotions’. Fuck you.”

“...”

“... He can get really bad sometimes. I’m not always there to help. I try to be there for him. I love him. He means the world to me. But I also love Marleybone. I need to work to overthrow the corrupt government, and bring peace.”

“But... Dammit. I’m a fucking awful girlfriend, you know? I always thought I was. I’m not good with words. I can’t really tell Klonoa how much he means to me. The best he knows, I basically just plucked him out of nowhere and decided I loved him. It wasn’t as simple as that. i know it wasn’t. Can’t say why, though. Maybe that’s because I still don’t know.”

“... The point is... He did attempt suicide once. I wasn’t there until the last second.”

“It was after his first big show. He changed some hearts. Amazed some people. He was starting a cultural revolution. Something I couldn’t of even dreamed of.”

“But he didn’t see it that way. The moment he went back to being himself, he... Just kind of snapped. I had to... Knock him out. He kept crying about how he wasn’t nearly as great as people thought he was. He was just lying to himself.”

“Honestly, I don’t get this stuff. But I guess he thinks the Great Klonoa is a completely different person. A better person, or something. He just wants to be accepted, you know? And he thinks the Great Klonoa is way better than he is. I think, if Klonoa got the chance, he’d kill himself just so the Great Klonoa’d be the only legacy he left behind.”

“... I didn’t know what to say to all that, though. When he woke up, he apologized. I just kissed him. I kissed and kissed. I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t know if anything I would’ve said could’ve hurt him. All I was thinking about was that he might leave me.”

“... I’m a fucking terrible girlfriend. Y’know why?”

“Because I, with all my heart, hate the Great Klonoa. I hate that persona he puts on. That grin. I want to wring my own boyfriend’s neck every time he puts on that persona for the crowd.”

“Because as far as I’m concerned, he’s much better just the way he is. He might not move crowds the same way he does as the Great Klonoa, but... When you get to watch him perform his tricks for you, and he isn’t putting on an act... He’s just being himself...”

“... Fuck, I love him.”

“I love him so much.”

[onlylovekpop]

I’m Back!

Hello, everyone. Sorry I’ve been MIA for a little while. The past few weeks have been a little hectic for me. I’m closing drabble requests now and have received lots of good ideas. Thank you to all of those who submitted! Also, two of the requests have turned into oneshots (this is a rare thing, but sometimes I get carried away and it happens lol.) The oneshots will be a pirate!au with some smut for Jimin and a dance camp smut with Yugyeom. I’m also finishing up my first Jungkook smut oneshot that I started working on ages ago and involves Netflix and chill. Hehe. Hope you’re all doing well and please look forward to the upcoming drabbles and oneshots! :)

(replies below the cut beware im drinking vodka while i answer to make my responses more interesting hehe (actually im getting as drunk as i can to deal with my vengeful uterus which is very unhappy i have not conceived any spawn this month and is giving me cramps from hell) you may notice my spelling grammar and punctuation get worse as you read please dont hold it against me)

anonymous asked: Hi Leigh we haven't heard of you since you mentioned having knee surgery the next day and I had this really bad feeling I hope you are ok? For some reason I am genuinely concerned and I don't know why so I hope everything went well??

Yes, all is well! I healed in pretty good time and am already out and about again. It’s a surgery I’ve had before so I knew what to expect and nothing out of the ordinary happened. Thank you for checking on me. Sorry if I made you worry :)

omg-mystarx-neoctech asked: Hell YES JOOHEON.

I SAY THIS ON A DAILY BASIS!

anonymous asked: Can I just say I fucking love the layout and look of your blog. Also I just read one of your smuts and holy shit im deceased.

Thank you! I’ve been revamping some of the pages but I only have a few of them done, so a few things may be blank at the moment. I changed it so fics are listed by member instead of type I hope that’s better but if anyone has opinions on the layout please let me know :)

anonymous asked: OKAY BUT THAT JOOHEON SMUT WAS FUCKING DELICIOUSLY SINFUL. I'M HAVING HEART PROBLEMS.

Jooheon himself is deliciously sinful tbh. I have heart palpitations every time I see a pic of him wearing tight pants. Or just pants in general. i aint never seen such pretty thighs before

neon-flamingos asked: I read Rhythm and omg i criedddddd it was so good i just can imagine Jooheon saying all those dirty thingssss my vayjayjay cries

look i recently saw that vid of him speaking english and his accent is so good which means i can totally hear him in my head saying all them naughty english things this is not good what have i done my lady parts also cry HELP

anonymous asked: Everyone is talking about the Jooheon smut and I'm here still crying because of how hard Chained up hit me

oh god that was not my best work but im glad you enjoyed it the thing never got edited i hope its not a hot mess haha sorry markiepooh but it still got the job done i think hehehe

anonymous asked: A part of me regrets reading Underworld AF....but it was such a good read too... that last chapter HURT but it was a good hurt

oh no dont regret reading it! that makes me sad! its a long ass fic i dont want you to get to the end of it and think holy shit i wasted so much time reading that horror flick i tried to bring it full circle in the end im glad you thought it was a good read i panicked for a second haha

honeyheonie asked: HOLY FUCK!!!! I have sinned. 'Rythm' was 👌👌👌👌👌

me too darling ;) thank ya

anonymous asked: Do you have a quote or prompt list we could use? :)

i do not. i leave it up to you guys that way you have lots to choose from

topaz-and-turquoise asked: For some reason, I only just got to binge-read the last 3 chapters of Underworld. Leigh. LEIGH. YOU ARE THE QUEEN OF BTS-GOT7 CROSSOVERS. YOU ARE THE QUEEN OF CROSSOVERS. THE QUEEN OF ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE AU'S. OF ALL AU'S. YOU ARE THE BEST AT WRITING TENSION AND HEART-WRENCHING SCENES AND THE COMPLEXITY OF PEOPLE AND JUST HOLY FRICK YOU'RE AMAZING. THANK YOU FOR THIS. I KNOW YOU ALREADY KNOW BUT THIS IS MY FAVOURITE KPOP FANFIC OF ALL TIME. I'M SAD IT'S OVER BUT I'M SO SATISFIED. YOU ARE THE BEST.

she calls ME QUEEN! thank you thank you I SQUEAL A LOT AT THIS im actually sad its over too. but im content with it. I HOPE IT IS FOREVER YOUR FAVE you stuck with me through the whole thing thank you i love you

statetheobvious04 asked: I've long been a follower for your underworld series and Jesus christ it's one of the best series of read ever. The storyline was so gripping and full of love and loss that by the time I finished the last chapter my chest was heavy and I nearly cried. Idk how you did it but I feel like I've personally lived through minas insane and perilous journey and felt every single emotion as if it were my own. It's een a while since I've read the earlier chapters but I feel like if I do il start 1/2 2/2 sobbing. You are such an amazing and talented writer that this story deserves to be developed into a book or movie but eve then those may not do it justice. But honestly, thank you so much for sharing and writing. And I’m so happy mina finally got the life she deserves and that everyone else managed to find peace in Iceland 💜💜💜💜

THIS MAKES ME HAPPPY YOU DONT UNDERSTAND HOW CAN I DESCRIBE MY JOY AT THIS MESSAGE you make me cry thank you for loving mina and thank you for supporting the story and thank you for telling me how it felt to read it i love you <3

anonymous asked: hi leigh! I have a question. I hope it doesn't come across the wrong way, I'm just curious! May I ask why you're not taking exo requests?

you’re good honey :) honestly im just not in an exo mood at the moment. i still write for them i still even have a baekhyun oneshot in my drafts idk im just not feeling like writing for them for drabbles at the moment if that makes sense

anonymous asked: Do you still open the drabble request?

they are closed now.

anonymous asked: I'm a Yoongi at heart but your story Underworld made my heart 'boom boom'. Seriously this is the best mafia /zombie apocalypse AU I have ever read and I read a lot of fan fiction. Keep up the good work. PS: Some drabbles based on Underworld wouldn't hurt. PSS: If you don't understand the heart boom boom reference , go see the latest Buzzfeed interview of BTS.

i can’t help but only hear got7′s boom boom boom though haha im down for underworld drabbles i think i mentioned before that any gang!au drabbles i do will be in the underworld universe before the zombie outbreak so far i only have the one for bambam i would link it but im too tipsy for something that level right now sorry :D

anonymous asked: I fucking love your angst writings, they get me emotional aha

thank you i love angst i like toying with emotions ehehe

anonymous asked: Underworld is amazing!!! One of the best stories I've read, even though it has me crying from Paris all the way to the end.😭😭😭😭 You done good. 😁

we dont talk about paris haha jk that one hurt too much thank you darling that its one of the best you’ve read means the world to me :)

anonymous asked: How can you write like thattttt!!!! I adore you. I'll always be your follower 💖

AND IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU and i’ll always be here! i promise <3

anonymous asked: Who is that in your header gif?

It’s Suga :)

thewriterpixie asked: *squeals* I just finished reading the Suga father/daughter date drabble! It made my day!

Thank you! I love that one so much :)

anonymous asked:  Okay I was reading Wake Up and Play with Me and for some reason it reminded me of their song Paradise?¿¿ Now whenever I hear it I'm gonna associate it with this smut xD

Ooh i like the sound of that! i really love Paradise but I think Sign is my favorite on the album but how do you get your question marks upside down i thought the room was spinning for a second i kid you not lol

anonymous asked: Your Jooheon smut got me looking at Jooheony at a different way now 😏 thank you for writing such a quality one shot! You're one of the best of the best!

YAS come to the jooheon side we have thick thighs and adorable dimples you will not regret this ;)

taecmekai asked: hope you are ok and recovering well from your knee surgery :)

i’m okay! gained a few pounds from being stuck on the couch for a few days but idgaf hehe ;) i’ll get back to yoga when i feel like it

coppertopging asked: I just finished Underworld. holy crap the emotional coaster you took me on! I read the last 7 chaps today & i couldn't stop crying. I didn't when Jae died, but his 'funeral' got me with the reactions from everyone. & then Hobi?! That was the most painful. I had to stop & pull myself together. Yoongi made me laugh a little with his delivery. My favorite part of the ending was the Jk/Yugy part. The only thing I felt was missing was more detail into Namjoon & Jin. But this story was amazing!!!

yeah hoseok was the hardest for me too. i wanted to keep anything namjin related kinda vague and open to the reader’s interpretation that’s why there wasn’t much material there but im very glad you enjoyed the story thank you :)

anonymous asked: holy fucking shit. it's 4am and i just finished reading Underworld and i'm crying so hard there's so many emotions i'm feeling. thank you so much for that masterpiece. it's the first work of yours i've read and omfg you're talented as fuck. i'm actually a bit speechless still tbh it's only fully processing to me ...hobi... he's not even my bias but i'm crying so hard i need help wow SO MUCH LOVE FOR U AND UR WRITING THO

omg i cant believe you stayed up that late to read it i wish i could do that but in my old age i dont bounce back that well anymore (i just turned 27 and am very upset about it) anyway THANK YOU this makes me very happy

danphilandstuff asked: OH MY FUCKING GOD RHYTHM WAS SO FUCKING GOOD THANK YOU SO MUCH ITS ACTUALLY HOW I IMAGINED HIM TO BE IT FELT SO REAL IT WAS ACTUALLY THE BEST FANFIC IVE EVER READ IM CURRENTLY READING YOUR MASTER LIST. you're actually such an amazing writer thank you so much (Could I request more Jooheon fics? ((If you want and have time)) )

i will never stop writing jooheon fics. you have nothing to worry about there haha. WHAT DO YOU MEAN ITS THE BEST FANFIC YOUVE READ IT WAS SUCH A RAUNCHY SEX FEST I SHOULD BE ASHAMED lol just kidding no but in all seriousness THANK YOU I LOVE YOU IM GLAD YOU LOVED IT I HOPE YOU KEEP COMING BACK FOR MORE MUHAHA

anonymous asked: (1/3) Hey lovely! I came across your blog today after reading your monsta x all in one shot and i just wanted to say thank you for writing something so incredible! it had me gripped from start to finish and it was honestly one of the most (2/3) well-written pieces ive ever read, I would love to be able to write at your standard one day. I cant express how grateful i am, it put me through so many emotions and i actually had tears in my eyes at one point! So yeah, apologies for this (3/3) being so long but i just wanted to express my gratitude and say that you are an amazing writer :) x

oh my goodness this was ridiculously lovely. i am very proud of All In and how it turned out. i hope to finish the sequel soon. i keep getting writers block on it and i dont know why but anyway. thank you for sending me this and im thrilled that i could write something you enjoy very much. you are too kind thank you <3

[ginaloveszero]

soumako for the 50 OTP thingssss

AAA SOUMAKOS!! And omfg anon you sent this so long ago and I’m getting to it now i’M SORRY!!! I think you were supposed to send me a number too but I love these two so much so I’ll just do them all LOL I’ll put it under a read-more

Pls don’t kill me if the shit I say doesn’t line up with how you (you in general, not you anon specifically LOL) hc them. Okay go!

1. Who is the early bird/ Who is the night owl? - Hmm... I can honestly imagine them both staying up late but then in the mornings, it fluctuates between Sousuke getting up early and bugging Makoto to wake up and Makoto waking up early and like, cuddling Sousuke until he wakes up. 

2. Who is the big spoon/ Who is the little spoon? - I’M LITERALLY GOING TO ANSWER THAT I SEE THEM BOTH DOING EVERYTHING FOR ALL OF THESE LMFAO. I can see them both being little spoons and big spoons. Sousuke as a little spoon makes my heart warm. (Esp since people think that just because he’s the “bigger” one, he should be on top/dominant for everything. Fuck that.) 

3. Who hogs the cover/ Who loves to cuddle? - Makoto totally hogs the cover and they both like to cuddle! 

4. Who wakes the other one up with kisses? - MAKOTO WAKING SOUSUKE UP WITH KISSES THO. One one of those days where they slept in a bit and have time to goof around, Makoto will softy pepper Sousuke’s face with sleepy kisses hehe

5. Who usually has nightmares? - Both. Makoto I can see dreaming about the ocean and maybe about that time at camp when everyone nearly drowned and Sousuke I can see having nightmares about his shoulder or just thinking that he failed. (Or maybe he has one of those dreams where he’s a successful swimmer and he wakes up happy but then it comes crashing down.) 

6. Who would have really deep emotional thoughts at the middle of the night/ Who would have them in the middle of the day? - I can see Sousuke having thoughts in the middle of the night. And maybe sometimes he’ll wake up Makoto to ask him stupid shit LOL I can see Makoto just zoning out during the day and stopping whatever he’s doing to think of things. 

7. Who sweats the small stuff? - Makoto for sure.

8. Who sleeps in their underwear (or naked)/ Who sleeps in their pajamas? - Hmm.... Both? Depending on the weather? But overall I can kind of see Sousuke sleeping in his boxers and Makoto in pjs.

9. Who makes the coffee (or tea)? - Sousuke likes his coffee and Makoto likes his tea.

10. Who likes sweet/ Who likes sour? - Makoto for sure likes sweet!! I don’t think both of them would like sour things. 

11. Who likes horror movies/ Who likes romance movies? - Well we know Makoto probably wouldn’t like horror LOL And since Sousuke knows this, he makes sure to avoid it when they watch movies together even though Sousuke doesn’t really mind horror. (Imagine the googly eyes the first time they watch a romance movie oh my gOD)

12. Who is smol/ Who is tol? - They’re both tol and that’s what I love about this ship. Kind of honestly really getting annoyed at the over exaggerated height/size differences between ships in general tbh

13. Who is considered the scaredy cat? - MAKOTO HAHAHHAHA But once Makoto scared Sousuke so good and he still laughs about it.

14. Who kills the spiders? - Sousuke

15. Who is scared of the dark? - Makoto obv

16. Who is scared of thunderstorms? - Makoto. Sousuke holds him tighter during really bad ones. 

17. Who works/ Who stays at home? - They both work! Honestly, I live for the “they both become coaches for kids” au 

18. Who is a cat person/ Who is a dog person? - Omg Makoto is a cat person for sure but he loves dogs too! Sousuke loves dogs and is a bit wary towards cats but that’s because he doesn’t really know how to approach them or handle them. (Dude, imagine Makoto coaxing Sousuke to hold a tiny kitty and Sousuke does and the kitty meows softly and starts purring and nuzzling Sousuke and Sousuke doesn’t know what to do with himself because god daMN that’s fucking cute!)

19. Who loves to call the other one cute names? - They both do! I can see them calling each other sweetheart and Sousuke calls Makoto babe or baby because he knows it makes him turn so red. 

20. Who is dominant/ Who is submissive? - They switch. Because why should they have to limit themselves towards one role? :   )))))

21. Who has an obsession (over anything)? - Makoto likes cute things and Sousuke? Hmm.... I can see him being obsessed over fitness and muscles and stuff.

22. Who goes all out for Valentine’s Day? - Can I say Sousuke? I really like the idea of Sousuke doing all this mushy shit for his bab.

23. Who asks who out on the first date? - Oooooh. I’m gonna go with Sousuke!

24. Who is the talker/ Who is the listener? - Both???? They both have conversations where they talk and listen to each other?

25. Who wears the other ones clothes? - Since they’re both pretty much the same size, they can share a wardrobe LOL Makoto likes to steal Sousuke’s shirts.

26. Who likes to eat healthy/ Who loves junk food? - I’d say they go in cycles but Sousuke is the one that tries to eat healthy when he can. 

27. Who takes a long shower/ Who sings in the shower? - Both have the tendency to do both! Imagine shower duets omfg

28. Who is the book worm? - Makoto

29. Who is the better cook? - Omg Sousuke for sure.

30. Who likes long walks on the beach? - Both! And when they do, Sousuke is walks on the side closest to the ocean.

31. Who is more affectionate? - They both are! At least, in private I think they would be. In public, they’d probably tone it down a little but they probably let little things slip to annoy their friends.

32. Who likes to have really long (deep) conversation? - Both!

33. Who would wear “not guilty” t-shirt/ Who would wear “sin” t-shirt? - Oh my god.... Sousuke in a sin t-shirt omg. Makoto and his angelic face in a not guilty shirt. (Although I can imagine Makoto in a sin shirt too lmao)

34. Who would wear “if lost return to…” t-shirt/ Who would wear “I am…” t-shirt? - HOLY FUCK THIS IS PERFECT FOR THEM LMFAO! SOUSUKE TOTALLY WEARS THE IF LOST SHIRT AND MAKOTO WOULD WEAR THE “I AM MAKOTO” SHIRT!

35. Who goes overboard on the holidays? - Makoto for sure!

36. Who is the social media addict? - I can see Makoto getting into all that. He makes himself an instagram account and just follows all the cat pages.

37. Height difference or age difference? - It’s funny cause their birthdays are kind of close and they’re also close in height. I’m gonna say neither. I like them the way they are. 

38. Who likes to star gaze? - Makoto.

39. Who buys cereal for the prize inside? - SOUSUKE HAHHAHAHA

40. Who is the fun parent/ Who is the responsible parent? - I think it would depend on the situation but I can totally see Makoto being responsible and Sousuke being the “”fun” one.

41. Who cries during sad movies? - Makoto (and Sousuke too but he’s better at hiding it)

42. Who is the neat freak? - Sousuke omf

43. Who wins the stuffed animals at the carnival for the other one? - AAAA THIS IS SO CUTE!!!! I would say Sousuke but the thought of Makoto giving a giant stuffed animal to a blushing Sousuke is too cute of a thought to pass up!

44. Who is active/ Who is lazy? - They’re both active but they can both be lazy as well? Idk, I can see both of them being either. 

45. Who is more likely to get drunk? - Makoto since he rarely drinks.

46. Who has the longer food order? - Sousuke on his cheat days LOL

47. Who has the more complex coffee order? - I can see Sousuke drinking a really simple coffee but I can also see him having a long af order too so idk.

48. Who loses stuff? - Makoto LOL

49. Who is the driver/ Who is the passenger? - Both depending on who’s up for it at the time.

50. Who is the hopeless romantic? - Both for sure!! I think Makoto would be more vocal about it?

THIS WAS FUN LMFAO! THANK YOU ANON!!

[tumutbabiesforever]

📱 karima/kagome, orchid/quinne, baldur/dorian

EI: Hey, so. Do you Know what I was Thinking lately? With regards To yourself (A)nd myself (A)nd the Things we Could potentially Consider as Some sort Of thing To put Ourselves in In terms Of, you Know, hearts (A)nd shit? Jfc wow Me.EI: Did you See that Story in The news Before about That bus In the EI: Hey so Sorry i Kinda missed Out on Like a Week of Talking to You before Joining the Forest creatures In divine Communion but Like i Hope that Things are (A)lright. I mean I am Sure they (A)re alright, You know, Forest creatures (A)nd shit, But thats Just the Fucking thing You say When youre Desperate and Lonely and Dont want To admit That cause Youre just So goddamn Pathetic haha Okay wow Delete.EI: Hey so How about Another coffee Date sometime??? Is that What we called It? Fuck. Shit, no, Definitely not. Forget that. EI: I hate This class (A)nd this Shit eating Professor can Suffocate under (A)bout two Hundred thousand Tons of (A)ss. Just a Whole landfill Please. (A)ll ass.------EI: Ive got Like no Sleep and Two hours To burn Before i Have somewhere To be. Yknow the Stars on (A)valon were Incredible, right? Here theres Just a shitload Of light Pollution and Im too Out of It to Make it (A) statement (A)bout city Living or Whatever, something Something societal Collapse, corporate Whatever, you Know the Lines. Hope youre Having a Good night Wherever you (A)re. Miss you.--------------------AA: I'm not jealoussss, you know, I never really felt like that, it'ssss jussst ssstupid, I guessss. Like hating oursssselvesss is the biggesssst thing we ussssed to have in common and that'ssss not eveAA: I'm ssssorry about Xebeck, I mean, and about you too, I guessss, I know it'ssss really been AA: HI SSSO. I really wanted to sssssend my condolencesss, you know, I jussstAA: I don't think I really found out about your mom, you know, what happened and when, and why, and... I guessss you don't have to tell me??? But I am okay with being told, I guessss, like, I am going to ssssay that, it'ssss an okay thing to tell me if you ever want or need toAA: I REALLY don't know if you're okay and I guessss I ssssorrta wanted to know if you were, then maybe I could do sssssomething about that, or I guessss if you weren't. That too, right, being either okay or not okay? EITHER OF THE THINGSSSS YOU COULD BEJDBSJEUSOWNFSHDIDH AAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!------AA: HI QUINNE. I GOT A NEW COMMUNICATOR THING AND IT WORKSSSS WITH MY CLAWSSSS BETTER TO SSSSEND MESSSAGESSSS THAT ARENT GARBAGE. ------------------------LP: i think i saw you in a vision outside but then i think it might have actually been you but without a face did that happen LP: i mean it could have happened LP: do you need a new face from the face tree or did maybe the face tree lock eyes with you and take the one you had O-O LP: oh wait it wasnt you it was just a shadow man LP: ...shoot wait no you should not look for shadow men or trees------LP: faces arent real and you should never look at trees O-O