#WHO KNOWS I’VE GOT A LOT OF CHAOTIC THOUGHTS AND I’M FEELING DERANGED IN NO PARTICULAR DRIECTION ALL AT ONCE

[ninja-knox-ur-sox-off]

Feeling slightly deranged over Sonic but unable to articulate why

[tlhrfanfic]

[Late] Thus With a Kiss I Die

Title: Thus With a Kiss I Die Ship: Late (Nate/Procrastination&Logan) Warnings: Idiot Gays, Kissing, Making Out, Disaster Gays, One Brain cell shared. Cuuuute. Words: 12,444 Request: So this was a Kiss AU list request that was requested by @romantichopelessly​ for a present for getting lots of stuff done with her Botwot AU: 36. we can never be together.

Summary: Logan was just cast as Juliet in the school play. He is not thrilled. Then he finds out that his crush Nate is Romeo. He's doomed.

Read on AO3

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Logan couldn’t believe it. It wasn’t that he couldn’t believe that a senior class in an all-boys boarding school was doing a play. No, that was statistically likely, all things considered. 

 What he couldn’t believe, however, was that the school had chosen Romeo and Juliet as the play for the senior class that year. 

 Why?

 They weren’t even changing the genders of the female characters to appear pro-gay or any of the less than moral types of things private institutions did to bring in donators. 

 “Maybe our parents just thought they’d get a kick out of some of their kids dressing up in drag and talking falsetto.” Logan snorted and glanced at his best friend. 

Virgil sighed. 

 “I’m soooo glad I got the nurse. Yes! No one cares about that old hag’s lines. Smooth sailing.”

 Logan glared. 

 Virgil cleared his throat, shoving his hands into the pockets of his hoodie, and shrugged. 

 “Yeah… tough luck you got the lead.”

 Logan laughed at that and shook his head. 

 “Thank you.”

 Virgil raised a brow. “For what?”

 “Most people have been congratulating me.”

 Virgil snorted. “Oh, yeah. Well, any time dude.”

 Logan sighed and nodded. 

 “So uh… have you talked with him yet?”

 Logan, who currently had his face in his hands, could hear the slight smirk in Virgil’s carefully phrased question. He suddenly longed to glare daggers at his friend but, due to all the excitement, was too exhausted to bother. Definitely not his excitement, but it was felt nonetheless. 

 “I don’t have any idea to whom you would be referring to Virgil.”

Logan attempted to silence the other with a look but his gamble failed.

 Virgil’s smirk widened. “Oh you don’t, do you?”

 Logan mustered up the energy to actually glare daggers his way, but there still wasn’t much fire behind it. He sighed. 

 “What am I going to do?” he asked, a slight whine to his words that he generally avoided. 

 Virgil sighed as well. “Why are you asking me?”

 Logan rolled his eyes and adjusted his glasses. 

 “One of us is actually in a romantic relationship and it is not me.”

 Virgil blushed and shrugged.

 “It’s all still very new though so I don’t know what you expect from me here, Lo.”

 “How do I get him to like me?”

 “Dude, you’ve liked that guy since we started high school. If anyone knows how to get him to like you, it’s you.”

 Logan groaned. 

 “Has Patton been having you listen to those self-growth tapes again?”

 Virgil shrugged but smiled softly and, for a moment, Logan smiled as well. He was very pleased to see his friend so happy. “They’re really not so bad.”

 “Good to know.”

 Logan sighed. 

 “Why don’t you just tell him?”

 Logan looked up at Virgil as if he’d grown an extra head. 

 “Right. Tell Nate Lassus, whom most of those students who identify as gay or bisexual and/or pan want, that I’ve had a crush on him for three years? Someone who I should not even want because truly, what do we have in common?”

 “You mean aside from the fact that you guys like each other and want to kiss each other and make out and do I need to keep going?”

 “That does not promote a healthy relationship, Virgil.”

 Virgil rolled his eyes. “Then you get to know him and I am certain there is something you guys have in common.”

 “Also, he does not like me. Don’t think I didn’t hear that.”

 “He does, and I hoped you would.” Virgil stuck out his tongue.

 Logan bit his tongue to keep from snapping at his friend. Virgil had been on this whole theory that Nate liked him as well. Which was absolutely absurd and held no merit whatsoever despite Virgil and Patton’s so-called evidence. 

 “Patton said he looked excited when you were chosen for Juliet. Even looked your way, hoping you were looking at him.”

 Logan looked up at Virgil. For a moment, there was a sliver of hope but reality sunk in. 

 “This is Nate Lassus we are talking about, Virgil. He’s just excited to get to kiss a guy on stage.”

 Virgil groaned but dropped the subject. Logan knew that wouldn’t be the last of it, however, he was happy for the break.

 »»————　♞　————««

 Nate watched as his two best friends fooled around with some of the prop swords backstage. He was currently working on some backgrounds, hammering some pre-cut wood boards that would be used as trees or perhaps castle props or any number of things. 

 He didn’t do the whole painting bit, but he could definitely manage hammering support pieces of wood to the backdrops. 

 As he worked, Nate thought back to the assembly when they were informed that a play would be put on and the parts that they would perform. When he had heard his name first, announced along with the name of the play’s male lead, his only thought had been a half-hearted wish. 

 If only Logan could be my Juliet… he’d thought and then—as if his thoughts had actually held any power at all—Logan’s name had been called and Juliet’s had followed. Nate could only glance at Logan, hoping to see what the other’s reaction had been. Unfortunately, it had looked like… well, not disgust, which was good… but definitely shock and dread. Nate had tried to tell himself that the looks were more about the role he’d been given and had nothing to do with himself.

 It felt like a lie, but it made Nate feel better all the same.

 “Take that, heathen,” Janus’s crisp voice broke through his thoughts. He glanced up from his spot on the floor as he shifted to the next set of backdrops and supports. 

 “Never, you scallywag bitch!” Remus cackled and rushed at Janus, the pair’s swords clacked with every strike.

 Where Janus actually had had fencing lessons and moved with finesse and experience, Remus struck down with pure force and nothing else. With Janus’s slight frame—at five-foot-four—it would seem that Remus’s strategy could gain him the upper hand. However, it was the smaller teen’s quick and fluid footwork that secured his victory. 

 As Nate had guessed, Remus’s wood sword was soon sailing across the room, clacking onto the tiled floor. Remus cackled, rather than growing angry, and rushed to get the wooden sword. With the more chaotic of his friends distracted, Janus turned to Nate while continuing to run through different fencing patterns.

 Sharp eyes met Nate’s, one a deep brown and the other a warm gold. He said nothing, knowing that whatever it was his friend wanted to say, he would get to it when he was ready and not a moment sooner. Still, as the moments ticked on, Nate wished he would just get on with it already. 

 “Sooo… Logan Wright is your Juliet… now why does this seem so fitting.… Oh right, because you complete morons are in love with each other. Maybe even the teachers and staff know it and this is the whole damn school’s way of saying ‘Now Kiss’.”

 Nate rolled his eyes. He tried to stay chipper and upbeat but now that it was spoken, he could no longer ignore the siren call of his crush as a topic. 

 “Jan… he didn’t even look at me… what if…”

 “Hopeless…”

 “Jan, I’m serious here.”

 “And so am I, Nate.”

 Remus returned. 

 “How do you know Logan likes him anyway, babe?”

 Janus looked at his boyfriend and shrugged. 

 “I can’t really say how… just trust me on this. My instincts are solid when it comes to people’s love lives.”

 Nate wanted to argue but, since Janus was his best friend from grade school, he already knew it was pointless. Not to mention, Janus had walked into the school freshman year, spotted Remus, and pointed him out to Nate. 

 “That guy is strange and quite possibly deranged. And I’m not sure how I know this, but we are most definitely going to date.”

 Nate had snorted and moved on. Then it had happened in Junior year, long after Janus had forgotten about the fateful statement he had made two years before. So he might have been right back then, but Nate really didn't want to have to wait two years like the other had to find out if his best friend’s prediction today would come true. 

 “You really should tell ol’ Logan how you feel, dude.” Remus shrugged, grinning that almost maniacal grin of his. Nate couldn’t help but grin back. 

 Still, his friends obviously didn’t get it. 

 If Logan had any feelings, he would have looked his way at the assembly when he’d realized it was Nate who he’d be kissing. 

 Oh, fuck. That’s right.

 Not only was it that Logan would be kissing him… 

 Nate would get to kiss Logan. 

 “And this look is Nate now realizing that not only does he get to share the lead with his crush, but he also gets to kiss said crush on stage in front of everybody.” Janus murmured with a side glance at his boyfriend. Remus snickered. 

 Nate threw them the double bird and kicked them out. 

 Getting back to work, Nate put all thoughts of crushes and kisses out of his mind.

 »»————　🕶️　————««

 Logan almost didn’t make it to the meeting with Mr. Thomas Sanders, the drama teacher who was putting the show on, and Nate. He was just going to continue on with his normal routine and that would be that. They would realize he just wasn’t going to do it and they would get someone else. 

 Then he realized that part of him wanted to go. Was it curiosity? Or was it the siren call of having a valid reason to spend more time with Nate?

 Logan blinked as he looked around, finding himself already headed in the direction of the theater. 

 It took a lot less time than he hoped to reach the two large oak doors, opening one of them and slipping inside. He was not surprised to see Mr. Sanders’s bright, welcoming smile. He was also not surprised to see that Nate was not there. 

 Nate had a habit of running late… all the time. 

 Something that would annoy him in anyone else, but with Nate, it somehow just worked.

 “Logan! Thank you for being here,” Mr. Sanders said, still smiling brightly. “Nate should be here soon.”

 Logan nodded, ignoring the heat rising up the back of his neck. 

 He jumped a moment later as the oak door opened once more, his head jerking in that direction.

 In walked Nate, looking just as attractive as he always did. It was because he was having what Roman, Patton’s friend, would call a ‘swoon moment’ that Logan didn’t notice it at first, but Nate’s gaze was on him from the moment he walked in the door. 

 Pretending that his blush was not currently seeping into his cheeks, Logan cleared his throat and turned in Nate’s direction. Standing up straight, Logan nodded at the other in greeting. While they weren’t friends, they had shared a number of classes and projects and school trips over the years. They’d talked but only in a capacity regarding those things. 

 None of which were personal or intimate. 

 Logan withheld a sigh, then remembered he should say something. 

 “Salutations, Nathan.”

 “Hey yourself, Logan. Hey, Mr. S.”

 Nate joined them and Mr. Sanders led them to the front row of seats. He had three padded fold out chairs, one in front of the other two. Logan took one of them and Nate took the other. Ignoring how close he was to Nate at that very moment, Logan focused instead on Mr. Sanders. 

 The drama teacher took the chair in front of them and beamed at them both. 

 “Thank you both for coming. I just wanted to take a moment and congratulate you both on getting the roles, even if you may not have wanted them.”

 Mr. Sanders who smiled apologetically. 

 “I had suggested we hold auditions and I was overruled.”

 Logan shrugged, a habit he had picked up from Virgil. 

 “It can’t be helped now and it’s not for any major event. I mean, I may suffer from making an absolute mockery of myself but… I have my own reasons for doing it, I suppose.”

 “Oh really? Do tell,” Nate pressed, flashing an easy grin.

 Logan flushed. He couldn’t believe he had just said what he’d said. He had felt surprisingly calm in the moment though he supposed that was just the effect Mr. Sanders had on people.

 Effective for an instructor teaching performing arts. 

 “It’s just… I’m a team player. We all have to do this. I cannot be selfish. I’d also… well, I’d kind of like to challenge myself too, I suppose.”

 And it had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that Nate was playing Romeo and Logan would get to kiss him. 

 Logan’s heart rate increased and his eyes fell to Nate’s mouth before quickly looking away.

 “Huh. Well… that’s epic. Good for you, dude.”

 Logan nodded. 

 “Nate’s right. That is very epic!” Mr. Sanders agreed. 

 He clapped his hands.

 “Alright, I know I don’t have to tell you two that Romeo and Juliet are the two most important characters in the play. Obviously, without them, the play would not exist. But, I want you guys to forget about that.”

 Logan’s confusion must have shown on his face because Mr. Sanders elaborated. “You are to think of them as people. Think of them as your friends. Or better yet, yourselves. I want you to get into their minds and think about why they do the things they do in the way they do them.”

 He stood up, pacing back and forth as he explained, glancing at them every so often. He then returned to them, taking the chair once more.

 “By doing that, you open them up in an intimate way that allows you to become them. Does all of that make sense?”

 He looked at Logan first before glancing at Nate. 

 Logan considered the words. He wasn’t an actor. That was Roman. 

 Which reminded him to make a mental note to speak with Roman after this. Unfortunately, while that would help future him, it did not help him now. 

 “I suppose… it’s… well, if we don’t feel what they are feeling…” Logan was grasping at straws. He was hands down the worst choice for the character of Juliet he had ever seen. 

 Nate leaned toward Logan. It was subtle but Logan, constantly aware of his surroundings, noticed. Strangely, it was comforting. 

 “Let me take a stab.”

 “Go ahead, Nate.” Mr. Sanders said with a grin, pleased with the other’s enthusiasm.

 “It’s because we can’t just learn the lines and do what the movements and motions say. Anyone can do that, but in order to sell what we are doing, we have to understand the character’s struggles to better perform them on the stage. By becoming the characters, we help the audience experience what they were feeling and thinking.”

 “Very good Nate! Exactly.”

 Logan glanced at Nate and smiled his appreciation. Nate shrugged.

 And winked.

 Logan blushed and turned his attention back to Mr. Sanders who was rising to head to his bag. He pulled out what appeared to be papers and two boxes and headed back to them. Handing each boy a stapled document, he continued to talk. 

 “These are your scripts. Feel free to highlight, take notes, change directions, and—although anything you change must be approved by me—I am always open to and strongly urge suggestions.” He then handed them each a box of two highlighters. “Rehearsals will start tomorrow after school. They will run for an hour and a half during weekdays for the next four weeks. The three weeks after that will be two and a half hour practices and the week after that is show week.”

 He glanced at them both. 

 “Any questions?”

 Logan, afraid to speak, shook his head. He held his script and highlighters close, ready to bolt at the first opportunity. Nate must have agreed in some fashion because Mr. Sanders continued on. 

 “One last suggestion. You are expected to run your lines outside of rehearsals. It’s the only way to memorize the lines. However, you are not expected to run lines together. I do want to strongly urge that you do. Find a nice quiet place to run the scenes you guys have together. You both already seem pretty comfortable around each other. That will help! Especially when it comes to practicing the kiss.” 

 He glanced at Logan. “You do not have to practice the kiss but you will want to. Trust me. It’s not easy to kiss strangers on stage.” He shuddered and Logan had to wonder at his experience with such things. Perhaps it was better not to ask. 

 He ignored his flaming cheeks and cleared his throat. 

 “Thank you for all the suggestions and insight, Mr. Sanders, but if that is all, I really must go.”

 “Yes, of course. You are both good to go and I look forward to seeing you at rehearsals.”

 Logan took off and didn’t look back. 

  »»————　♞　————««

 Nate wasn’t sure how he managed it, but he was able to keep his disappointment and irritation off his face until he thanked Mr. Sanders and left. 

 So… that was it then. 

 Logan didn’t like him and was actually disgusted by the idea of not only kissing him but practicing kissing him too. 

 He sighed as he ignored the urge to hit the wall. Even if it would help him let out his frustration, he’d have a broken hand and that would just do no one any good. 

 Deciding to put the feelings into doing something useful, Nate made his way to the door that led backstage and headed in. Making his way past the dressing rooms and costume closets, Nate reached the main backstage floor, where he found Janus. 

 His friend was busy working, sketching backgrounds onto the backdrops that had already been assembled. Janus didn’t even bother looking up. 

 “Nice of you to join me, Nate.”

 Nate had no idea how he always knew it was him without looking, but at this point, he couldn’t be bothered to ask. Janus would likely take it to his grave anyway. 

 “Hey, dude.” Nate sighed.

 Janus immediately looked up from what he was doing, his eyes narrowing. 

 “What happened?” 

 Nate blinked, a shiver at the dangerous look in those two toned eyes running down his back. Not for the first time, he was extremely happy that Janus was his friend rather than an enemy. 

 “Nothing… exactly?”

 “Darling, it’s my job to be vague and interesting. Yours is to be strong and mmm… a little himbo-esque. Now, I’m going to ask you again. What happened?”

 Nate sighed and explained what had happened in the meeting and Logan’s sudden rush out the doors at the end. Janus kept the same unreadable expression on his face throughout the story and when Nate finished, he sighed. 

 Nate frowned. 

 “What?”

 “Nate… darling… I don’t mean to sound harsh when I say this… who the hell am I kidding, yes I do. Especially since I know you can take it. Think about what you just told me and then think about who it is you’re talking about…”

 “Logan… yeah, so what?”

 Janus tutted. 

 “Okay… I see I am going to have to spell this out for you, hon. In the years that we have attended this school with Logan, have you ever seen him date? Ever see him hold hands with anyone?” He watched Nate closely. Nate, not sure where this was going, just listened. “Ever see him hug anyone… well, I suppose he gets hugs from Patton but that definitely doesn’t count. Everyone gets hugs from Patton. But anyway… ever see him in any scenario like those I mentioned?”

 Nate didn’t really need to think about it. He had liked Logan for so long, it was as if his presence was a magnet for Nate’s gaze. 

 “No… but I don’t really see how…”

 “So gorgeous… so sweet… but so, so dumb.”

 Nate might have felt offended but the other said the insult with such fondness it almost felt like the other compliments he’d offered. 

 “Janus, just get to the point.”

 “Very well. Of course Logan ran out of there at the thought of practicing kissing you… he’s never been kissed, Nate.”

 Oh.

 Oh.

 “Oh.”

 Janus smirked and stood up, coming to stand in front of him. Nate looked down at him and sighed. 

 “I… never even considered… huh… okay… so I should definitely go find him then?”

 “Oh, most definitely.”

 Janus winked. Nate grinned at the other and nodded at the sketch. 

 “Nice trees, by the way. I think that’s what they are—”

 “Fuck you,” Janus said but grinned. 

 “You wish.”

 “Don’t I just.” 

 Nate chuckled and pointed at the hall that led to the exit with his thumb. 

 “I’ve got a cute nerd to find. Catch you later.”

 “Oh, have you learned how to catch things now?”

 Nate, who totally could not catch anything thrown his way, gasped. 

 “Low blow, my friend.”

 “It’s how you know I care. Now, go find Logan. Also, maybe consider telling him how you feel… just a thought. No pressure.”

 “Yeah… we’ll see. Later.”

 “Go get him, darling.”

 Nate snorted but headed out for the dorms.

 »»————　🕶️　————««

 Logan reached the dorm room that he shared with Virgil and quickly buried himself in the thing that made him feel safest: homework. 

 He was so lost in his homework that he almost didn’t hear the knock on the door. It wasn’t odd to have someone knock on his door, so Logan didn’t give it much thought. It was likely Patton looking for Virgil or something. Patton often forgot that his cell phone would be a much more efficient solution to finding his boyfriend. 

 Then again, also knowing Patton pretty well by now, it was just as likely he was checking up on Logan. That boy did wear his heart on his sleeve and would want to help if he perceived someone was upset in any way. 

 Therefore, when he went to open his door, it was with great surprise, and uncalled for embarrassment, he found Nate on the other side. 

 “So… hey.”

 “... Hi.”

 Logan did not miss how Nate glanced into his dorm before looking at him once more. 

 “I was wondering if you… uh… if you had a moment.”

 Logan shifted slightly but nodded. When he said nothing, Nate continued. 

 “Do you think we can maybe take this inside?”

 “You wish to be invited into my dorm room?”

 Nate chuckled softly. Logan frowned. It almost sounded fond but that made no sense. Logan was barely a blip on Nate’s radar. There was no reason for him to be fond of anything that had to do with Logan. 

 Deciding it was obviously projections of his own feelings—why did he have them again?—Logan pushed any thoughts and inquiries on fondness from his mind. 

 “Yeah, if that’s alright with you.”

 Logan considered before nodding, opening the door and stepping away to let Nate pass. He closed the door behind him, trying to ignore the twisting of his insides from having his crush in his room. 

 Not sure what to do with himself, Logan returned to his desk and leaned against it, watching Nate and ignoring the heat rising up the back of his neck. 

 “Alright… we’re inside. What did you wish to speak to me about?”

 Nate, who had been checking out the room, seemed to focus on Logan’s side. 

 Interesting. 

 He grinned at Logan now and crossed from the book shelf he had been perusing to stand in front of him. 

 “Yeah, so… I just wanted to talk about the play…”

 Logan sighed. 

 “Obviously. There is no other reason that could have brought you here. I know we don’t talk too much and we aren’t friends so there would be no reason to hang out, but surely, after years of school with me, you would know that I am pretty observant.”

 Nate chuckled that same fond laugh again. The sound had heat slipping into Logan’s cheeks and he cleared his throat. 

 “What about the play, Nathan?”

 Nate sighed. “Janus told me you’ve uh… you’ve never been kissed…”

 Oh.

 Right, the kiss in the play.

 Even though this was obviously about kissing each other in the play, Logan couldn’t get past the fact that he would have to kiss Nate. If it had been anyone else, he was certain he could manage. But with Nate… 

 What if he was horrible? What if Nate told everyone?

 No… Nathan Lasses could be a dick but to most people, he was kind and fair and nice. Besides, in Logan’s humble opinion, Remy—Nate’s twin—was much worse. 

 Nate wouldn’t tell anyone. Knowing Nate, he’d offer to help him practice and—

 Suddenly it clicked. He knew exactly why Nate was there. 

 “Ah. You wish to practice the kiss,” he said simply. 

 Nate’s eyes widened in surprise for a brief moment before the look was replaced with something else. Something softer. 

 Do not even think of that word, Logan, or so help me.

 “Correct, as always, scholar.”

 Logan blinked. Huh, a nickname. 

 As far as Logan had been informed by Patton, nicknames were things people gave to other people they really liked and wanted to be friends with. 

 Logan held back a sigh. 

 Friendship… well, I suppose if that’s what he wants from me… it would be selfish of me to refuse.

 Ignoring the sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach, he forced a smile. 

 “That… that would be okay with me…” Logan said. 

 This was not how he wanted his first kiss—especially not with Nate—but as there was no hope for more, it would be pointless to hold out on the impossibility that there ever would be.

 Besides, it was better this way. He was far too busy for silly things like holding hands, little whispers spoken between kisses, flirting, cuddling. He wasn’t big on those things anyway. Even if he would have liked to try… with Nate.

 “Wait, really? I honestly thought I was going to have to like talk you into it or something.”

 Logan shook his head and held up a hand.

 “Not at all. Janus, though I’d love to know who his source was, is correct. I’ve never kissed or been kissed. This is an adequate solution. Completely logical.”

 Nate frowned and Logan hesitated. 

 “What’s wrong?”

 Nate had a look on his face that was hard for Logan to read. It was reserved but there was something else too. Before Logan could figure out what it could be, Nate was suddenly grinning and clapping. It was as if nothing had happened but there was still a weird charge in the air. 

 Or maybe Logan was reading too much into the situation. 

 “Nothing’s wrong, dude. Let’s get started.”

 Logan’s eyes widened at that. 

 “Now?”

 He was pained to admit to himself that he might have squeaked the word, but if any one else asked, he would take it to his grave. 

 Nate snickered. 

 “Aww, getting shy? Cute.”

 Logan blushed at that and, regretfully, flailed his embarrassment. 

 “I’m not cute!”

 “I mean, of course you don’t find yourself attractive, scholar, but you never know. Some people might.”

 “Oh, yes, and someday Patton will stop hanging out with cats even though he’s pretty severely allergic.”

 “Haha, yeah right.”

 “Exactly.”

 It seemed to hit Nate what Logan had meant and suddenly the taller teen was closing the remaining distance between them.

 “I’m serious, Logan.” He looked it too. His dark brown eyes locked with Logan’s and he smiled the same smile from earlier. The one that Logan was positive he was projecting because it made zero sense for Nate to smile at him like that unless…

 No Logan. You already ran the probability of a guy like him liking a guy like you. He doesn’t like you in the same way you like him.

 “Hey, Logan…” Nate said, voice lower. Softer.

 Logan looked up, unsure of when he looked away. His grey eyes met brown once more and suddenly the atmosphere changed. 

 He could no longer hear the world outside his dorm room and time felt slower. He wasn’t sure what was happening and he wasn’t sure he liked it. Clearing his throat, he swallowed. 

 “Yes, Nathan…” he whispered. 

 Why was he whispering?

 “Can I kiss you?”

 Logan swallowed again but nodded. 

 Nate smiled and Logan was shocked again to find it seemed kind of… disappointed. Sad, even. Then Nate was closing his eyes and Logan, completely out of his element, did the same. 

 The first contact was soft… almost as if it hadn’t been there at all. Logan found himself leaning into it and his lips found Nate’s. He gasped and pulled away, bringing a hand to his mouth. 

 “Very good, for your first kiss,” Nate said, grinning teasingly. Logan blushed. 

 “Shut up.”

 “No, no. None of that. I’m serious. You did good.”

 “Right.” 

 Logan had no reason to believe him, of course, but it was nice to hear. Then again, unlike Logan, Nate had kissed many people. Maybe he knew what he was talking about. He cleared his throat.

 “Should we… keep practicing?”

 Nate seemed surprised by the question but laughed and nodded. 

 “We absolutely should keep practicing. Definitely should. One hundred percent.”

 Logan rolled his eyes but snorted. 

 “Very well. Kiss me again.”

 Nate smirked. 

 “Yes, sir.”

 With that, he placed his hands on Logan’s hips and tugged him against his body, leaning down to kiss him deeply on the mouth.

  »»————　♞　————««

 Nate couldn’t help the pleased sound that escaped him as he kissed Logan deeply. His eyes were closed, brows furrowed, lips moving against Logan’s. 

 Never in all his wildest dreams had he ever thought he would get the chance to kiss Logan. Now that he had, however, he felt as if the universe was laughing in his face. 

 Like, yeah you get to kiss him but you ain’t never gonna have him. Not how you so desperately desire.

 Fuck the universe. 

 If he couldn’t find the words to tell Logan…

 If he couldn’t trust himself to say the right things…

 Well, he’d just have to tell him through his kisses. 

 He could do that.

 Logan’s arms wrapped around him and Nate took that as all the permission he needed to hold Logan closer. He moved one hand to the small of Logan’s back as his other hand came up to frame the intelligent teen’s face. 

 Nate was the one who had to pull away, inhaling sharply as he tried to catch his breath and chuckling as Logan chased after his retreating mouth. 

 “So…” Nate asked, the word low and still a little breathless. “How was that?”

 Logan just blinked up at Nate. “H-huh, what, I’m sorry?”

 Nate laughed deeply at that and, before he could talk himself out of it, he quickly leaned down to kiss the other’s forehead. 

 “Cute…” he said, voice low and fond. 

 Logan blushed but said nothing. Silence fell between them, neither knowing what to say or what to do. Logan seemed to want to say something—maybe ask something—but it was clear to Nate that he was nervous. Nate wished he could think of just the right thing to say that would reassure the other that he wasn’t ever going to judge him. 

 If he only knew how much I care…

 Then maybe you should tell him. That voice sounded far more like Janus’s than it did Nate’s.

 Yeah right.

 Nate smiled down at Logan and was about to ask him if it would be okay if they practiced again tomorrow but in the next moment Logan was pressing closer and kissing him. Having absolutely no problem with this change in plans, Nate wrapped both arms tight around Logan, embracing him completely as he kissed back hungrily. 

 It was Logan’s turn to make pleased sorts of sounds, the other teen obviously getting lost in the feelings and sensations. That was all well and good, of course, but the sounds did things to Nate and if he allowed those sounds to keep doing those things to him, well… 

 He wouldn’t need words to tell Logan how he felt because Logan would be able to feel it.

 Pulling away quickly, Nate worked hard to catch his breath. He swallowed hard and cleared his throat. 

 “Okay! So, I think this is a great place to stop. We can totally practice some more tomorrow, if you’re okay with that—”

 “Yes.” Logan said it so quickly he seemed to surprise even himself. 

 Nate’s brows rose as Logan cleared his throat and spoke up again, more reserved. 

 “I mean, that would be agreeable.”

 Nate smirked at that.

 “Great. Same time after classes? Back here?”

 Logan nodded but then stopped. 

 “Yes… but can we go to your room? I just… if Virgil��s here I’m not going to be able to… you know… it’ll be too embarrassing.”

 “You do realize that we are going to be kissing in front of a whole lot more than just one student, right?”

 Logan nodded, pulling off his glasses. He pulled out a little handkerchief, wiping gently at the lenses. 

 “Of course… but that’s a little different. We’ll be on stage and the audience will mostly be in shadow. Not to mention, the audience will be one collective group. I won’t know where my friends are sitting—well, most of them will be in the play but that is beside the point—and so I won’t see them. If it were just Virgil there though… it just seems too…”

 “Intimate,” Nate asked, hopeful. 

 Logan considered the word and finally nodded.

 “Yes, exactly. Too intimate.”

 “Well, I mean I have a roommate too, so I’m not sure I can promise Janus won’t be there.”

 That was a bold face lie. He could and would make sure Janus would not be there. 

 He grinned. “But if that’s cool with you, then I am more than happy to sacrifice my room for our kissing practices.”

 Logan blushed but smiled gently, nodding. 

 “Thank you.”

 Nate nodded. 

 He glanced at the door and then back at Logan. 

 “So… I have to be honest… kissing you is kinda fun…”

 That’s the understatement of the century.

 Still, he didn’t want to come on too strong and scare the other. The blush this pulled from Logan also made the light confession so very worth it.

 “Mind if I take one for the road?”

 Logan’s eyes brightened and Nate watched as the other’s eyes darted to Nate’s mouth and back while licking his lips. He nodded slowly. 

 “I would not be opposed.”

 “Good.”

 Nate moved in close once more, hands on Logan’s hips as he guided him in closer. His brown eyes met gray and he grinned warmly. 

 “Cute,” he said as the other blushed a little deeper.

 Before Logan could argue his point, Nate closed his eyes and kissed Logan hard. Logan gasped into the kiss, perhaps surprised by the sudden intensity. Nate took the opportunity to slip his tongue into Logan’s mouth, exploring it and caressing Logan’s tongue with his own. 

 Logan let out an almost whimpering sound and Nate groaned in response. It was Logan who ended the kiss this time and Nate couldn’t deny that he had definitely chased after his mouth. Logan was panting and pulled out of Nate’s hold, the taller teen letting him. 

 “Wow…” Logan breathed, bringing his fingers to press at kiss swollen lips. 

 “Yeah,” Nate agreed, catching his own breath. Silence fell between them again but it was almost comfortable this time. Nate grinned. 

 “Well, I guess I’ll see you in class and kissing practice after.”

 Logan nodded. When it was clear he wasn’t going to say anything else, Nate moved close once more and kissed the top of his head. 

 “See you tomorrow, scholar.”

 “See you tomorrow, Nathan.”

 Nate had the walk back to his own dorm to consider everything that had just happened. He couldn’t believe how well Logan had taken to kissing him. Then again, Nate had it so bad even if Logan couldn’t kiss, he’d still enjoy it… but there was also the fact that Logan was intelligent and smart and capable and it was no surprise at all that he had picked up kissing just as well as any other subject or skill. 

 But Logan had enjoyed it… and had wanted to keep doing it. 

 Just like that, hope returned in Nate’s heart. 

 Maybe, just maybe, his hopeless crush on Logan Wright wasn’t so hopeless after all. 

 »»————　🕶️　————««

 Logan continued to press his fingers against his lips throughout the night. He did it so much that it almost became something of a fixation. He would remember the feeling of Nate’s lips pressed against his own and brush against his own lips, still sore from all the kissing. 

 He would then smile and sigh as his insides fluttered until he reminded himself that the kissing was just Nate being a good friend and one would assume a good actor. Logan was pretty certain that Roman went on often about something he called ‘method acting’. 

 His and Nate’s kissing was simply that. 

 Logan longed for so much more. 

 Still, Nate had obviously enjoyed kissing him so maybe this kissing practice would prove to be a good thing. 

 Logan brought his hand up to his lips once more, smiling softly as he brushed against them idly. 

 It was at that moment the door opened and Virgil shuffled in, tossing his bag by the little couch in the middle of the room. He collapsed onto it, only then glancing Logan’s way. 

 Logan, still lost in the memory of kissing Nate, had registered Virgil’s arrival but said nothing, still sliding his fingers gently across his lips. 

 “Hello~ Earth to Logan? Dude, what’s going on with you?”

 Logan blinked and looked at Virgil.

 “Oh, hey there, Virgil. Did you hang out with Patton?”

 Virgil nodded before shaking his head. 

 “Nope. We’re talking about you… you’re acting very… uh… Roman-y and Patton-y today.”

 Logan blushed because what that meant was that he was being very feelings-y. Logan usually was not a very feelings-y person. His best friend knew this well. 

 There were, however, some things he was not yet aware of. 

 “I kissed Nate today!” Logan said. Then he added, as an afterthought, “a lot.”

 Virgil’s eyes widened almost comically. 

 “You did what? When?”

 “While you were out…”

 “So, what? Did he ask you out? Are you two dating? Do I have to give him the best friend talk where I threaten his life if he hurts you?”

 Logan’s brows rose and he stared at Virgil waiting for him to end his tirade. He didn’t respond until Virgil grinned sheepishly and gestured in a go-right-ahead sort of manner. 

 “Okay, first… you have the wrong impression but, considering I blurted out that I kissed him with no other context, that’s not your fault. He sought me out here and I realized that he was offering to practice with me and well… I accepted.”

 “So…” Virgil bit his lip. “Look, I know when we’re younger and they tell you your first kiss is a big deal and all and it’s best with someone you really like and that likes you too but… it’s not like it is on tv.”

 Logan shrugged and smiled at Virgil. He knew it wasn’t a fully happy smile, but honestly, Virgil was a good friend. He tried his very best to help Logan any time he needed to feel better. 

 “So… even though you have to kiss him in the play when doesn’t like you—which, I’m still positive he does, that’s not the point here—how was it?”

 Logan laughed as he watched Virgil shift to the edge of the couch, leaning forward in Logan’s direction, obviously invested in whatever it was Logan would say next. 

 The intelligent teen blushed but smiled slowly, biting his lip. 

 “It was so much better than I could ever imagine.”

 Virgil chuckled at that and nodded. 

 “Yeah. Yeah, I feel that. Remember when we were younger and we were grossed out by even the thought.”

 Logan nodded. In fact, until that first kiss, Logan had still very much thought that. But now… 

 “I want to kiss him again.”

 Virgil laughed again. 

 “Damn, L.” 

 Logan blushed. “Shut up.”

 Virgil snorted. “Nope. Never. Besides, it's my job to keep you on your toes.”

 Logan shook his head. Idly, he brought his hand up to brush at his lips again. 

 “I’m a little worried though… it’s obvious that you like kissing him so much because of your feelings for him, L.”

 Logan nodded. He too had come to the conclusion. 

 “Okay… maybe don’t have so many practices?”

 Logan considered and nodded. 

 “Yeah… yeah, maybe.”

 Virgil seemed happy to have helped and went off to shuffle in his backpack for his homework. Logan sighed. 

 Virgil had a point. A very valid and logical point. 

 Unfortunately, Logan was not sure how well he would be able to resist now that he’d had just a taste of what could never be.

 Pushing the problem out of his mind, Logan turned his attention back to the problems that were within his ability to solve. 

  »»————　♞　————««

 Nate honestly felt like he was floating as he walked through the dorms, heading for his own room. He headed inside, making his way to his bed and tossed himself onto it. As he looked up at the ceiling, he brought a hand to his mouth and slid his fingers against his lower lip. 

 A smile slowly slipped onto his face as he pulled his hand away and bit his lip. He couldn’t believe how readily Logan had agreed to ‘kiss practice’. He had even agreed to continue it. 

 Nate found himself torn. 

 As much as he had so very loved kissing the intelligent teen, he also knew that he was only setting himself up for heartbreak. The play—and so the kissing��would come to an end and things would go back to the way they had been. 

 Still, Nate didn’t see why that meant he couldn’t enjoy it while he had the chance. If it had never been for the powers-that-be choosing himself and Logan for Romeo and Juliet, he would never have gotten the chance to feel what it was like to kiss the boy he had liked for so long. 

 The door opened and Nate, a soft, warm smile on his face and insides toasty, looked up to meet Janus’s gaze. Janus, apparently noting the love-sick look on his face, sighed and tugged Remus in by their linked hands before closing the door. 

 “I take it from the revolting look on your face that you talked to Logan?” Nate noted how eager the other sounded. 

 He cleared his throat. 

 “Oh, yeah… yeah, we talked a bit…”

 Nate looked away as Janus narrowed his eyes. 

 “And…?”

 “Ah, and nothing… I just told him I completely understood he was nervous.”

 “Did you tell him how you feel, Nate?”

 Nate had the decency to look sheepish. 

 “Not… exactly…”

 Janus gave him the look that meant he should continue. 

 “But he was very responsive to my kisses.”

 Janus’s eyes widened and Nate felt a rush of pride at causing such a rare phenomenon. It was not often that one surprised Janus Trompeur. 

 “You kissed him?”

 Nate could hear the excitement in his voice. Not wanting a misunderstanding, Nate cleared his throat. 

 “Yeah… I told him it was understandable he was nervous since he’d never been kissed and he came to the conclusion that I was offering to practice with him and so he agreed and we kissed… a lot… and it was so much better than I could have ever imagined.”

 Janus crossed his arms. “Uh huh.”

 “You should have seen Logan too… I’ve… I’ve never seen him like that before… I can safely guarantee it was enjoyed by both parties. He’s also agreed to continue. We’ll have another practice tomorrow.”

 He glanced up at Janus, hoping he would see where he was going with this. 

 The other sighed and winced. 

 “Oh, Nate… you beautiful, dumb idiot… you’re going to try to kiss him in love with you, aren’t you.”

 Nate flashed a grin. 

 “I’m going to kiss him in love with me, Janus!”

 Janus sighed, bringing a hand up to palm his face before he shook his head. 

 “Oh, darling. That’s not going to work if you don’t tell him how you feel.”

 Nate sighed. 

 “Yeah, you should lick his juicy butthole as well!”

 Janus and Nate both glared at Remus, who just cackled and continued to listen. 

 “Nate…”

 Nate threw up his hands in frustration. 

 “Okay, okay! Damn it, I know, Janus. I know.”

 Janus smiled and nodded. 

 “Very good… and….”

 Nate sighed and rolled his eyes but answered dutifully, as expected. 

 “And I promise I will find some time before the play is over to tell him how I feel.”

 Janus flashed a victory smile. 

 “Good. Now, all this dabbling into your love life has made me hungry. Let’s go get dinner.”

 Nate grinned and nodded. Ignoring the return of the sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach, Nate pulled on his coat and joined the other two for dinner.

 »»————　🕶️　————««

 Logan wouldn’t say he had grown used to kissing Nate three days into practice, but he would definitely say he had grown comfortable with it. Unfortunately, as Monday came and classes began once more, Logan realized that today would be the first rehearsal. 

 He would have to kiss Nate… but on stage. 

 “I can’t do this, Nate,” he said, his words a little sharp from nerves. Nate just shrugged and nodded at the audience that was currently made up of the rest of their senior class. Unfortunately, that meant the seats were nearly packed and quite a lot of people would be watching. 

 Unlike their parents and faculty, the other students wouldn’t hold back if he were to make an absolute mockery of himself. 

 Suddenly, hands were on his shoulders and he could feel the tightness deep in his bones melting away as strong fingers rubbed into his muscles. 

 “Sorry… I should have asked first… I can stop, if you want me to…”

 Logan shook his head, letting out a little moan of pleasure as his eyes closed. 

 “No… this is… this is acceptable.”

 Logan sighed as he focused on Nate’s hands and the way his muscles relaxed under his touch. By the time his body was completely relaxed, Logan realized he was pressed into Nate in a very intimate way. Stepping forward, he turned to look at Nate, clearing his throat. 

 “Thank you for the massage. I appreciate it.”

 Nate smiled. 

 “Anytime.”

 Logan, noting how amazing his body felt, nodded. “Noted. I might actually take you up on that offer in the future. Now, let’s run the lines once more before we—”

 “Logan. Nate. You two are up.” Remy called, as if bored out of his mind.

 Logan stiffened but gave a sharp nod. Nate returned his hands to Logan’s shoulders as he nodded to his twin. Remy walked off and Nate turned Logan to look at him. 

 “You’ve got this, Logan. You already have all your lines memorized. Literally. Which by the way, think you can help me with that, because I totally do not…”

 Logan laughed, feeling the worry and stress melting away. 

 He turned to look at Nate and smiled. 

 “I have this theory.”

 Nate grinned. “Oh yeah, what’s that?”

 “That you’re going to do a really good job.”

 Nate’s eyes warmed and his smile went soft. Once again, Logan was projecting onto this poor teenager who had no idea what he did to Logan. 

 “Let’s go break some legs, yeah.”

 “I prefer the phrase ‘fracture a femur’ but yes, let’s.”

 Nate laughed deeply and Logan couldn’t help but grin, a little proud of himself for causing such a reaction. 

 »»————　♞　————««

 Nate, in character, made his way to his love, tears lingering on his cheeks. He swallowed hard as he took in his ‘dead’ Juliet, rushing to the ‘concrete’ dias where her body lay. Pulling Logan into his arms, he tried his hardest not to look directly at Logan’s face. He didn’t want to cause the other to crack up or break character. 

 Vowing that he would love Juliet and Juliet alone forever, Nate as Romeo took the colored-water ‘poison’ and began to choke. He shuddered and moved to lay beside his lover on the dias. He choked a few more times for good measure, causing students in the audience to laugh before he collapsed once more on the structure and closed his eyes.

 Nate did his very best to look dead. Considering that Nate was lazy by nature and often lounged around, and he was pretty certain Janus would happily tell him to his face he looked like a dead man walking, that was the easiest part of the play. 

 But what would come mere moments later… 

 Nate felt Logan shuffle on the dias, hearing him let out a yawn, signaling to the audience Juliet had woken from her drugged sleep. Unfortunately, Nate could not see what Logan was doing lest he break character but a moment later, he gasped. 

 Logan called for ‘Romeo’ but when Romeo did not rouse—though it was hard because Nate wanted nothing more than to reassure Logan how well he was doing—Juliet cried for her dead husband. 

 Nate felt a shift on the structure and then soft, gentle hands were taking hold of his face. He bit the part of his lower lip still hidden by his closed mouth to keep from grinning. He heard as Logan professed that he would kiss Romeo so that Juliet may be with him.

 Soft but firm lips pressed against his own. Nate couldn’t deny he definitely smiled into the kiss. He could also feel Logan smiling into it. 

 That was when it happened. 

 Logan cracked up laughing and Nate opened his eyes to chuckle as well. 

 “Well, hey there, Julie, baby.”

 “Oh my god, shut up.” Logan said through his laughing.

 Mr. Sanders joined them and laughed. 

 “That was really good… we’ll need to work on the laughing but otherwise… that practice was amazing, everyone! We’ll keep working on the blocking, but just keep running your lines and memorizing them. I think this is actually going to be really, really awesome!”

 Nate glanced at Logan, who was beaming at Mr. S’s praise. 

 He’s so pretty when he smiles. Janus is right. God, I have it bad.

“Yeah, just wait til half of us have to do it in dresses.”

 Nate snorted as he glanced at Janus, who was playing Rosaline. He had a point. Janus, Logan, and Virgil—not to mention a handful of other senior boys—would be wearing dresses for the show. 

 “And I have every faith that you will all rock them,” Mr. Sanders countered, which earned him a grin from Janus. 

 Janus leaned his arm on Remus’s shoulder and shrugged. 

 “I mean, you’re not wrong, Mr. S,” Janus agreed.

 “I know I’m not. Now, you all get out of here and have a great and relaxing night. Logan, that means you.”

 Nate glanced at Logan to see his crush blushing but grinning. Virgil spoke up. 

 “I’ll hold him to it, Mr. S.” 

 Thomas beamed at that. 

 “Good man, Virgil. Alright, see you all tomorrow.”

 Rehearsal ended for the night, Nate turned to Logan. 

 “So… I’m kinda hungry and I’m assuming we’re still on for kissing practice tonight?”

 Logan glanced at him and nodded. 

 “Then let me at the very least get you some dinner. It’s the least I can do after my dumb ass got exiled and you killed yourself over it.”

 “Nathan… it’s a play.”

 “You’re so right. It’s a total power play. You deserve better.”

 Logan snorted at that and hesitated before bringing up a fist to punch him lightly in the shoulder. 

 Nate feigned bodily injury, grabbing his arm. 

 “Oh. You got me. I’m dead.”

 He then pretended to die on the dias, eyes closed, tongue sticking out. 

 It wasn’t until warmth pressed against his cheek that he opened his eyes to see Logan pulling back, face flushed. It was obvious that Logan had just kissed his cheek and Nate, grinning, sat up to look at Logan. 

 Glancing around, he noticed that everyone else had left—well, mostly everyone. Virgil, Remus, Janus, and Patton were talking at the entrance to the backstage area. None of them were looking their way and so Nate, feeling confident, turned his attention back to Logan. 

 Before he could even open his mouth to ask Logan if he could kiss him, Logan claimed his mouth with his own. Nate’s eyes closed and he quickly returned the favor, a soft, happy sound escaping him. 

 Logan placed a hand on his chest as he slid closer, his other reaching up to grip at the little hairs at the back of Nate’s neck. Nate shivered but gasped, Logan quickly taking advantage of this and slipping his tongue inside. 

 Nate moaned, teasing along Logan’s tongue with his own as he kissed back desperately. 

 “Ooooooh,” Janus teased.

 Nate’s eyes opened wide as he and Logan both jumped from the kiss. He quickly glanced toward the backstage but no one was there and all sound of talking had ceased. He would have assumed that the others—seeing what he and Logan were up to—had left but he also knew Janus very well. 

 “That was…”

 “Satisfactory.”

 Nate laughed at that. “Yes, very, very, very satisfactory.”

 He held the other’s gaze and smiled. 

 “So… dinner?”

 Logan rolled his eyes. 

 “Very well. You’re paying.”

 “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

 »»————　🕶️　————««

 Logan fidgeted with his keys in his pocket as he walked with Nate to the cafeteria. The nice thing about the school was that they had little restaurants in the cafeteria, a lot like they did in colleges, instead of what most public schools offered. Unfortunately, as they allowed the students to work there for a wage, Virgil would most definitely be present. 

 He sighed as he realized the long talk Virgil would want to have with him the moment he saw Logan with Nate, already feeling exhausted. 

 “What’s wrong?”

 Logan blinked up at the other. 

 “Huh? Oh, nothing,” Logan lied. It wasn’t a complete lie, per say. Logan was used to Virgil and he never minded talking with his friend. He just didn’t want to hear the ‘I told you so’ from his friend when Virgil realized he hadn’t been limiting the kissing practices as well as he could have. 

 Nate, looking doubtful, frowned. “You sure?”

 Logan laughed softly and nodded. “Yeah… just stressed out about the play but… somehow, I know it’s going to be okay.”

 Nate laughed at that. “That’s the attitude to have, scholar!” 

 Logan smiled, ignoring the slight twinge of guilt he felt at not being completely truthful. Then again, there was no way he could be truthful without informing Nate about how he felt about him, and Logan…

 He just couldn’t bring himself to do it. 

 Maybe it was selfish but, knowing that Nate would suddenly feel awkward and uncomfortable around him once he found out, Logan wanted to enjoy a little more time with him.

 Just the two of them.

 Just like this. 

 They reached the cafeteria and Logan followed Nate to the center of the room. Logan considered the options and was about to go order from where Virgil was working when Nate called out to him. 

 “My treat, so where we eating today?” 

 Logan nodded toward the little taco hut where Virgil stood now, watching them both. Nate, noticing Virgil for the first time, gave a start before grinning. 

 “Oh! Hey, Virgil. What’s up, dude?”

 He moved over to the little taco restaurant and offered his fist, which Virgil bumped but not before snorting and rolling his eyes first. As Logan joined them, Virgil spoke up, not taking his eyes from Logan’s gaze. 

 “Hey, losers. What brings you guys down? Logan, didn’t you say your plan was to do homework tonight?”

 He eyed Logan doggedly, which the intelligent student ignored, instead glancing at the menu though he already knew it by heart. 

 “Oh, that was my fault. After rehearsal I practically begged him to go get dinner with me because I am a sad, lonely guy.”

 Logan watched Virgil closely, surprised at the slight grin slipping onto his face at Nate’s words. 

 “You’re not bad, Lassus. Your brother though… he’s a dick and he still owes me 50 bucks. Now, what can I get you losers to eat?”

 Logan ordered what he always got: the taco plate. Nate, meanwhile, ordered a taco salad. Logan would have been slightly surprised as Nate had never pegged him as a good nutrition aficionado, but then the other asked for double meat and Logan could just sigh fondy and grin. 

 Nate tried to pay but Virgil completely ignored him. Food was placed on two trays and cups added afterward. 

 “On the house,” he said slowly, holding Nate’s gaze as if just trying to goad him into objecting. Nate seemed to realize this because he grinned and held up his hands. 

 “Okay, okay. I got the message.”

 “Finally,” Virgil mumbled but he was grinning ever so slightly. 

 Logan realized that, in his own way, Virgil was approving of Nate. Once Nate took his tray to go find a great table, Logan grinned when his best friend’s eyes met his. 

 “Thank you,” he mouthed. Virgil rolled his eyes but mouthed your welcome before waving in the direction Nate had gone. 

 “He’s not such a total waste of a human, I suppose,” Virgil said finally. “But Logan… if this is something you want… you really need to tell—”

 Logan sighed, cutting off yet another tirade. “I’m aware, V. I promise… I’ll tell him by the last performance.”

 Virgil groaned softly. “You really, really should tell him before that but… fine… look, L. You don’t have to tell him if you don’t want to but… I’m afraid that if you don’t, all of this is going to hurt you a lot more than you realize.”

 Logan wanted to disagree. Unfortunately, he was definitely not an expert on feelings and since Virgil was dating one of the two experts on feelings that they knew, he suspected Virgil likely picked up a few things. 

 “I vow to tell him before the start of our last performance at the latest.”

 “I’ll drink to that compromise… you know, if I had a drink.” He sighed wistfully but Logan knew it was all for the theatrics. Though Virgil would swear up and down that he was not dramatic, Logan—friends with three dramatic people—knew better. He could be just as dramatic as Roman when he wanted to be. 

 Logan grabbed his tray, thanked Virgil once more, and headed for the table on the far side of the large, open room. Virgil called back to him, wishing him good luck, causing Logan to smile softly. 

 Gray eyes sought out his...friend. Logan, ignoring the sudden feeling of sadness, pushed such thoughts out of his head. Sure, Nate would never be his boyfriend, but it was clear he wanted to be friends. Logan would not be the kind of person who couldn’t be friends with someone who did not want to date him. 

 Nate waved his arms wildly, chuckling when Logan’s eyes met his and he corrected his course for Nate’s table. He reached him quickly enough, snorting when Nate tugged him gently to sit next to him, rather than across from him. 

 Logan had expected Nate to talk to him then but, as he quickly learned, Nate was very much an eat-now-talk-after kind of guy. 

 Laughing softly, Logan started to dig in as well. 

 »»————　♞　————««

 Nate had eaten about half his food when he turned to Logan. 

 "I don't know about you but kissing sure does work up an appetite." His grin was flirty and eager. 

 Logan blushed and nodded. 

 "Interestingly enough, I have found that as well," Logan said. "I, too, am quite famished."

 He continued to eat as Nate became preoccupied with stuffing his face once more. 

 "Mmmm."

 Nate looked up at the sound of laughter. Logan was watching him eat, amusement in his gray gaze.

 "Adequate to your taste buds?" Logan asked with another laugh. 

 Nate looked at him and answered, a bit of food still in his mouth. 

 "Beyond adequate," he moaned. "Thank Virgil again for me later." 

 Logan laughed. 

 "Will do."

 They fell into companionable silence once more, Nate glancing at Logan every so often. Every other time he glanced, he caught Logan's gaze and both of them blushed before looking away. 

 Huh.

 Wasn't that interesting. 

 Deciding he needed more time to consider the new development, Nate cleared his throat. 

 "So… what new book are you reading? I just picked up this great Agatha Christie novel that I'm sure you've read already but it's so good."

 Logan blinked. He looked confused and even said as much. 

 "How do you know I read Agatha Christie novels?"

 Nate laughed at that. Looking fondly at Logan, he smiled. "Scholar. You've been reading those books since we all started here. I noticed them and started reading a few myself."

 Logan’s brows rose and while he didn't say anything, Nate knew exactly what that look was for. 

 "Yes. I read. Shocker, right?"

 Logan's expression took on an apologetic sort of look and Nate laughed. 

 "No no. You're fine, cutie. I'm used to people being surprised. In their defense and yours, I don't read a lot. But I can and do read."

 Logan nodded, a grin slipping onto his face as he turned to look at him better, leaning in eagerly. 

 "So which book is it that you're reading?"

 "Death on the Nile."

 Logan nodded with a grin. 

 "That one is very good but my favorite will always be—"

 "The Murder of Roger Ackroyd," Nate finished for him with a warm smile. 

 Logan blinked. He stared at Nate for a few moments, questions in those gray eyes. Nate was worried that maybe he had said too much. 

 Maybe Logan realized that Nate really liked him and now it was going to be awkward because Logan didn't feel the same. 

 And then Logan blushed and nodded. A soft smile slipped onto his face.

 "Precisely."

 Nate grinned as the slight charge between them in that moment settled. He didn't know what had happened but it hadn't sent Logan running and he considered that a win on his part. 

 They finished dinner and said their goodbyes to Virgil before heading out of the cafeteria for Nate’s dorm. 

 »»————　🕶️　————««

 Logan was quiet on the walk to Nate’s dorm room. He knew that Nate had to be wondering at his silence but he couldn’t bring himself to speak just yet. 

 The reason for his silence...

 There had been a moment while eating with Nate that had opened his eyes to knowledge he hadn’t been aware he had lacked. 

 Logan didn’t know how he knew it but the moment Nate supplied Logan’s favorite Agatha Christie novel as fact and not a guess had been very telling and Logan was almost certain that Nate liked him. A lot. 

 Perhaps even as much as Logan liked Nate. 

 Just tell him! You know he likes you now! Tell him!

 He knew that his more logical side was right. At this point, with such a high probability of his feelings being reciprocated, the logical course of action would be to tell him. 

 And yet, Logan couldn’t. 

 He couldn’t even give a logical explanation as to why, which frustrated him more than anything. It just didn’t feel like the right time. Or the right place. 

 Logan chewed his lip. 

 He really hated relying on his feelings. 

 “Hey… half-dollar for your thoughts?”

 Logan blinked up at the other. He seemed nervous. Logan smiled at him. 

 “I’m certain the expression is ‘penny for your thoughts’.”

 Nate grinned at that, seeming to relax once more. 

 “Yeah, well. Pennies are practically worthless these days and I think more highly of the things that come out of your beautiful brain.”

 Logan blushed at that and cleared his throat. 

 “Just have a lot on my mind.”

 Nate nodded, falling silent once more. 

 Logan bit his lip before moving a little closer to the other. He tapped him with his elbow in a playful manner he’d seen Virgil do with Patton. It seemed to work because Nate grinned down at him like the sun. 

 “Hey.”

 Logan wanted to make up for the silence and since he couldn’t tell him everything… not yet...Logan said the first thing he could think of. 

 “I can’t wait for practice.”

 Then he blushed as he realized the implications of this. Nate looked at him in surprise, a slight flush to his cheeks as he slowly grinned. 

 “Uh oh…”

 Logan raised a brow. He hadn’t expected that reaction. “What?”

 “Looks like someone has an addiction to kisses.”

 Logan blushed but rolled his eyes. 

 “You are what my friend Roman would call ‘an absolute dork’.”

 Nate snorted. 

 “Roman Prince? Not surprised that’s his idea of an insult but, well, you're not wrong.”

 Logan grinned, pleased to feel the air around them grow comfortable once more. 

 “But… I concede that, perhaps, you are not wrong as well.”

 Nate grinned at him. 

 “About what?” he pressed. Logan glared at him. Nate took on a look of innocence. “I merely want to be clear about what part of what I said was not wrong.”

 Logan knew that wasn’t the case. Nate wanted to hear him say it. He decided that since he couldn’t outright tell him how he felt, the least he could do was tell him what he wanted to hear. 

 It was true, after all. 

 “I am… addicted to kisses.”

 He blushed far deeper than he expected to confess that out loud. He stopped and quickly hid his face in his hands. Nate must have glanced back and noticed he had stopped before quickly returning to him. 

 “Awww. No, no… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to embarrass you… I was just teasing. Can I… can I hug you?”

 Logan nodded but did not remove his hands from his burning face. He felt as strong arms embraced him. He stayed like that, feeling safe and secure in his arms. At some point, he pulled his hands away to press his face into the other’s chest, his own arms wrapping tentatively around the taller teen’s middle. 

 “How’s that? Better, cutie?” 

 Logan nodded, trying to ignore how warm the nickname made him.

 “Do you want to postpone the practice? If you need to, then that’s totally—”

 “No!”

 Nate blinked down at the other in surprise. Logan could see that his reaction had been a bit too passionate considering Nate had no idea how he felt about him.

 “I mean, no… I very much would like to keep on schedule.” 

 Nate slowly grinned. 

 “Then what better time to start… Can I kiss you right here, Logan? Right now?”

 Logan had a feeling Nate was expecting him to laugh and playfully punch him before they continued on their course for his room. 

 That was not what happened. 

 Logan moved his arms from around him. He then threw himself at Nate, wrapping his arms around his neck, as he kissed him. Hard. 

 Nate’s eyes widened but soon fluttered closed as he tightened his hold on the slighter teen, kissing back as desperately as Logan kissed him. 

 When they finally pulled away—it was with some difficulty breathing, Logan couldn’t deny—he swallowed hard and held the other’s gaze. Nate’s gaze was curious.

 “Nate…” Logan said slowly. He saw the slight surprise on the other’s face. Logan had never called him Nate before.

 “Logan…” 

 Logan hesitated. He very much needed to tell Nate or he would always be wondering ‘what if’? As a scientific minded individual, what ifs were only useful if the question was answered. Logan needed some answers.

 “Can we… can we go somewhere quiet… your room is fine… but just somewhere with not a lot of people… please?”

 Nate, obviously confused, nodded.

 “Yeah… we’re almost to my room anyway. Come on.”

 Logan’s insides churned and tumbled as he walked at Nate’s side. He honestly had no idea what had possessed him to almost tell Nate how he felt… outside. 

 That… that definitely was not the place for such intimate talks such as that. No. One should take the person of their affections, ask to speak with them in private, and only for their ears, share what was in their heart. 

 Logan nearly made a face. 

 When had he become so sentimental?

 He glanced up at Nate and slowly, a fond smile slipped over his lips. 

 Oh, yeah. Right.

 They reached Nate’s dorm room soon after, Nate holding up a finger before walking inside, signaling Logan to wait. Logan, considering himself fairly intelligent, was sure Nate wanted to make certain Janus (and by proxy, Remus) was not around. 

 He waited as patiently as he could, rubbing his fingers against his jeans in a comforting manner. Soon enough, though it felt a lot longer to Logan, Nate returned and held the door for him. 

 “Come on in, scholar.”

 Logan did just that, almost jumping at the click of the door as Nate closed it behind them. He then led Logan into the room, making his way to the bed and taking a seat. He patted the space next to him. Logan took a deep breath, crossed the room to the bed, and took the offered seat. 

 He quickly turned to Nate just as Nate turned toward him. 

 “Logan, there’s something I need to tell you,” Nate said at the exact same time Logan said, “Nate, there’s something I wish to tell you.”

 Both of them broke out laughing, their faces flushed, gazes vulnerable. 

 Nate cleared his throat and held out his hands, palms up, to Logan. 

 “May I?” he asked, voice low. Logan nodded, placing his hands into Nate’s.

 Nate, dark eyes locked with Logan’s, bit his lip before smiling. 

 “That’s better… now… I’m sorry for jumping the gun. You… you go first.”

 Logan wanted to refuse or insist Nate go, but he decided that that wasn’t fair to Nate. He had been the one asking to talk. He should go first.

 He nodded. 

 Taking a deep breath, Logan for the first time in his life ignored his mind and spoke from his heart.

 »»————　♞　————««

 Nate squeezed Logan’s hands as the other seemed to search for the courage needed to say what he had to. 

 Nate knew what he hoped Logan wanted to say. He hoped more than anything that Logan had come to realize that he liked Nate too. But, that could just as easily not be what Logan wanted to tell him. Maybe he had noticed that Nate liked him and was being respectful, letting him down in private. 

 Maybe he just wanted to be friends. 

 Nate could live with that. It would hurt for a while, but he could deal. 

 As long as it wasn’t Logan never wanting to see him again, Nate could live with whatever it was the other was about to tell him. He sighed inwardly and instead focused on Logan. 

 Logan, who was struggling. 

 Nate squeezed his hands again. 

 “Hey,” he said and waited until Logan’s eyes met his. “Whatever it is, you won’t scare me away.” He paused. “Unless you dress up as a clown on the weekend… then I’d say my loyalty is questionable…”

 Logan laughed at that and it seemed to be the reassurance he needed. He cleared his throat and Nate leaned in subconsciously.

 “... You were correct earlier… when you said I was addicted to kisses… I am very much addicted to kisses…” 

 He glanced down at their hands and seemed to consider what to say next. Nate watched him closely, mesmerized by him. 

 “I am addicted to your kisses, Nate…”

 Nate blushed and a big grin slipped onto his face as it hit him. 

 Logan liked him. And Nate was him. Nate. Logan liked Nate. 

 “Are you saying-?!!”

 Logan laughed at that and nodded, blushing a little himself. 

 “I like you, Nate. I have for a very long time.”

 Nate whistled and shook his head. 

 “Well, that just sucks because I’ve liked you for a very long time too. Since we first met, now that I think about it. It feels like we’ve missed out on so much time.”

 Logan blinked at the remark and nodded a second later when it registered what Nate meant.

 “It does. But we’re here now… together...”

 Nate beamed and his excitement soon morphed into unbridled adoration. 

 “Be my Juliet… but alive… and forever?”

 Logan snorted. “There are so many things wrong with that question, Nate, but I like you, so I forgive you. I will be your boyfriend, though, if that would be agreeable with—”

 “Yes! So freaking agreeable! Totally agreeable!”

 Nate watched in wonder as Logan laughed, not holding back, his gray eyes full of happiness and fondness as he looked upon Nate. He couldn’t keep from surging forward and claiming Logan’s lips with his own. 

 Logan relaxed into the kiss with ease, his arms wrapping around Nate’s neck like they’d never stopped. Nate moaned into the kiss as Logan kissed back eagerly, sounds of enjoyment escaping him as well. 

 When they broke for air, Nate nuzzled into Logan’s hair with his nose before pressing a kiss to his temple. 

 “Boyfriend,” he said, overjoyed to use the title for Logan. 

 Logan rolled his eyes, blushing. “Dork.”

 Nate brought a hand to his heart as if he had been hurt. He then swooned and ‘collapsed’ upon his bed. Logan laughed and then shifted to hover over him. 

 “Let’s keep this between us… just until after the play… Virgil has been trying to get me to tell you forever and I really do not need to deal with any I told you so’s… and maybe, I also would not mind keeping you to myself for a little bit longer.”

 Nate snorted. “Oh. You can always have me to yourself. I don’t mind picking Janus up by the collar and tossing him out if need be… uh, but maybe don’t quote me on that. Still, keeping up a ruse sounds fun. I’m in.”

 Logan smiled down at him and Nate brought a hand up to frame his face, guiding him down to kiss him.

 If they got lost in the kisses and each other, neither minded in the slightest.

-----------------------------------------------

Disclaimer: I am not affiliated with Thomas Sanders or Joan, nor the rest of their group. I do not own or make money off of these characters. I only own the story as it is written.

Super uber thanks to my beta reader for this fic @superweebside​ and the two that preread my stuff to make sure its up to par: @romantichopelessly & @sunshineandteddybears.

[cherryonigiri]

10 questions for me

tagged by @akakeiiji​ SAGE BABY THESE TAG GAMES ARE GIVING ME LIFE 

1.) What is your least and most favorite thing about your star sign?

Uh I’m an August leo, but I don’t really know much about star signs in general? But my chemistry teacher in high school used the mnemonic “LEO the lion says GER” to help us remember redox reactions (Loss of electrons = oxidization, gain of electrons = reduction) so I guess that’s my favorite part about being a leo? Sorry I don’t really have a better answer, my inner science/chemistry nerd jumped out. Hopefully no one who reads this hated high school chemistry too much.

2.) What time do you usually sleep and wake up?

Sleep: 3:45 AM 

Wake up: 9:50 AM

Extra nap: somewhere in between 3-6 PM.

If you all couldn’t tell my sleep schedule is not great. 

3.) What odd, totally random childhood memory stuck with you throughout the years?

When I was really young, my family travelled to China to see friends + relatives. When I was there we visited the Great Wall. I managed to climb to one of the peaks/towers in the wall, but I was super scared of heights and thought I was gonna fall off so when we had to climb back down I sat down and butt dragged myself down each step. 

4.) If you could write a book, what would it be about?

I get asked this question a lot (because I help out with first-year orientation at my university and we play a lot of icebreakers). honestly my answer changes each time but I think I’d write a “gratitude book.” I’ve had this idea for a while but basically at some point in my life I want to write and self-publish/publish a collection of letters to the people who have changed/influenced my life in a significant way. I have a list on my phone that is just people I want to write a letter to: parents, brother, teachers, friends, ex-boyfriends (I’ve had amicable breakups and I’m still in pretty regular contact with people I’ve dated), mentors, etc. I just want the people who know me to understand how much they mean to me and that they are amazing individuals. 

If I can’t do this then I’mma write a book about the history/development of fan culture/fandoms and fan generated content in the 21st century. I hate it when people demonize fan culture or mock it. Hands down some of the best writing I’ve ever read has been fanfiction/fan content. There are so many talented artists/writers/singers/creators who don’t deserve the “mindless/deranged/dumb fan” narrative that mainstream media pushes. I don’t understand how mocking/belittling/de-legitimizing the passion, enthusiasm and talent of fan creators helps anyone and I will fight anyone who says we’re only just “dumb fans” like FOK YOU TOO fandoms have some amazing and brilliant people who create safe + accepting spaces while generating complex and interesting content. And you bet your ass I will write a whole book that pushes back on the deranged fan stereotype --thank you for coming to my ted talk.

5.) Who was your first anime/fictional crush? Why that particular character?

Saito Hajime from Hakuouki. I mean, have you seen this man??? Like - he’s so graceful and a badass when fighting, not to mention that he takes advantage of his left handed sword handling to throw opponents off. Also I was in peak teenage angst phase, so ofc I was obsessed with the ‘dark and silent’ type character. Anyways this man is fine AF and i have rewatched Hakuouki multiple times because he’s is still *THAT* handsome.

6.) If you could put yourself in any fictional universe, which one would you pick? Why?

The universe of Kekkai Sen Sen (Blood Blockade Battlefront). Listen. The way this universe execute magic realism/urban fantasy so well I cannot. Like - it’s such a wacky and crazy world, and of course Hellsalem’s lot is probably like one of the most dangerous places to be ever but like -- I don’t mind? Honesty, as long as I had powers of my own I would be okay (i think?). I just love how there are mundane magic things that happen but also really wacky/chaotic things like having a giant materialize in downtown New York City. I mean there’s literally a flying hospital with a magic doctor who can split her self up into min selves to treat more patients like please send me there TODAY. Anyways if I ended up in that universe I would want to have some kind of healing/shielding/defensive superpower because a lot of innocent everyday residents get caught up in the chaotic/violent supernatural hijinks of the city and I want to help out in any way I can. In conclusion, I would like to be transported to Hellsalem’s Lot for the sole purpose of meeting Steven A. Starphase because that man is damn attractive and a badass and I am such a simp for him.

7.) What’s the last compliment you received?

I don’t remember Uh, I actually really can’t recall the last compliment I received but I remember a really memorable compliment I got was that I’m really easy to talk to? The person said that when they first met me I had a “disarming friendliness” that made them feel a lot less anxious and more at home + they felt like I was very genuine and invested in getting to know them. Uh idk if that’s true but hearing that made me really happy :) 

8.) What is the one thing you miss the most during quarantine? (Asides from being with other people, ofc)

Dancing + music. I’m part of a dance group at my university + I love attending free workshops + classes in my community. I really miss going to practice with my friends and having fun with them in the studio. :( I also play flute for the university orchestra and we probably won’t be allowed to meet/rehearse at all for the next school year (bc social distancing/quarantine) so I’m sad because I miss being involved with art stuff.

9.) When/where do you feel most content?

By myself, sitting on my bed while sunlight is shining into my room through the windows.

10.) What is a food that you hate with burning passion and will never eat?

Eggplant. ISTG I am allergic to that shit like every time I ate an eggplant dish (because my parents forced me too as a kid) my tongue gets super itchy but I’m allergic to peanuts/tree-nuts and it’s not the same feeling as when I have a reaction to to them??? so I’m not sure but either way i hate those purple vegetables.

Not gonna tag anyone because I don’t think I can come up with 10 meaningful questions right now but HEY HEY HEY if anyone who see’s this wants to join in feel free to use the questions I answered :) 

[okietrish]

House Party

Yall, I dreamt about this a few nights ago a decided to write it down. Please enjoy! Let me know what you think and all that! I haven't posted a fic in forever, but feel free to request. FEEDBACK PLEASE! (Boost my ego)

Word count: 2,919

Warnings: none it’s flufffffffff

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The party was going well. The boys had gotten to LA around a week ago but wanted to settle in before they threw, “totally the best party ever,” as Sammy referred to it. They were staying with you, which they have done for the past few years since you’ve all known each other. Your home was their home while they were in town, it was an unspoken rule at this point. Admittingly everyone seems to be having a blast. The house is filled, people are laughing, dancing, and getting piss drunk. You were thoroughly entertained, to say the least. You filled up your drink for the eighth time that night, or at least that’s what the sharpie tallies on your arm that Jake forced you to put there were telling you. You black out ONE time, strip on top of a bar and Jake has to pick you up and carry you home leading you to stick your fingers up his nose in protest and SUDDENLY you have to keep track of your drinks on your arm for all the Kiszka boys to see. They just don’t know how to have a good time. You giggle to yourself.

“Y/N!” Interrupted from your daydream, you turned towards the funky hobbit running your way.

“Josh, darling, how is your evening? What are you doing?!” You smile wide at the goof standing in front of you. His tanned cheeks were flushed bright pink and he was decently out of breath.

“GREAT, have your seen..” He was cut off by his two brothers jumping onto him, pushing him to the ground. You look around at the people surrounding you, making sure that others were witnessing what you were, that this wasn’t some drunken state of your imagination. You happened to catch eyes with Danny who was laughing hysterically at the situation and just shrugged his shoulders towards you, miming a simple ‘I don’t know’ gesture before going back to his conversation.

Looking down at the pile of Kiszka limbs you cough loudly, “Um hi boys. Can I help you?”

They all scrambled to your feet and straighten themselves out, still not saying anything to you, but just mumbling to each other. It wasn’t until you made eye contact with Sammy that he cued you in.

“Oh sorry, we were racing!” He said nonchalantly.  You looked at them, confused.

“Racing?”

“Yeah!” Jake chimed in.

“I’m so confused, why?” You questioned while sipping your drink.

Josh laughed and explained, “Well we were playing a drinking game and we all tied and couldn’t decide who won. We would usually ask you, but none of us had seen you in a while, so I screamed ‘first one to Y/N wins.’ And here we are.” You looked at the other boys for confirmation and they just nodded their heads in agreement.

“You all are weird.” You laughed at them and continued to talk to them about random things. They were telling you about the tour and the chaos in it all. Their music got brought up and you gave your opinions and your best advice. Working in the music industry is what brought you to meet this chaotic crew 2 years ago. The conversation always came naturally between you all, it’s something you loved about them. 

As the music got louder, not that you thought that was even possible, it became a little too chaotic for the group’s casual conversation so you promptly excused yourself and walked away, making your way out back to get some peace and quiet for a moment. Suddenly feeling very overwhelmed by everyone.

It was quiet back here since there wasn’t any speakers, booze, or drugs no one else was out there. Perfectly juxtaposing the inside atmosphere. Walking over to your fire pit in the very back of the yard you quickly struck a flame and created the perfect aesthetic for you to calm down. With the fire going you laid down on the large wooden swing and just looked out into the trees, losing yourself in the moment, laying there alone for about 15 minutes.

“Y/n.” You turned your head to see Josh gesturing towards where your feet laid on the swing, asking permission to sit, you nodded and went to move your legs when he placed his hand on your shin.

“Don’t move mama, I got it.” He lifted your legs and sat beneath them, placing them onto his lap. He immediately fell into tune with your serenity. It was quiet for a few minutes while you both just appreciated your surroundings.

You naturally fell out of your trance eventually and flicked Josh’s arm, breaking the silence.

“Hey.” He turned to look at you with a small smile.

“Oh hey! Didn’t see your there.” You rolled your eyes at him, causing him to playfully smack your thigh as he looked back to the fire. You got caught up into your thoughts again as you let your curiosity get the best of you.

“Josh, why did you come out here?” You questioned. Studying his strong profile. His jaw was relaxed, his breathing pattern now calm, tranquil even, in comparison to earlier. His cheeks, however, were still dusted with pink, probably due to the shots he was convincing everyone to take early on. He then took a deep breath.

“I wanted to make sure you were alright.” He began stroking your leg with his hands, absentmindedly drawing shapes on your shin.

“I am.” You cut short, not liking to get into it too much.

“I know, I just like to make sure.” He finally looked at you, smiling purposefully big to get a laugh out of you, a trick that always worked.

He knew that if you wanted to talk about anything you would bring it up to him. That was what your friendship was, it was close and open-minded. You bounced your existential crises off of each other. He often came to you for lyrical advice, knowing your mind drifted to creative depths that most people didn’t have the luxury of venturing to.

“You are something else, Joshua.” You began and suddenly got the drunken urge to touch his face. You quickly sat up, still with your legs over his lap, and lightly booped his nose.

He looked at you and giggled.

“Do you have a thing for noses when you’re drunk or what?” He laughed, recalling the memory of your wild night out. You looked at him in shock.

“Woah, the judgment I’m feeling right now. I don’t like it. And I was defending myself that night, thank you very much!” You crossed your arms over your chest in protest. 

He was properly cackling now. “Defending yourself from Jake who saved you before you showed a crowded bar your tits!?” You leaned against his shoulder in defeat.

“Ehhh wouldn’t have been that bad, would have given them a good show. Give the crowd what they want and all that.” You giggled to yourself, Josh quickly joining in, but stopping after a moment.

“You intrigue me, darling.” He began rubbing one of his hands and down your spine, as you leaned back to look him in the eyes, you gave him a questioning look and he continued.

“I mean, I’ve known you for a while, we all have. Yet, I am still surprised by just about everything that comes out of your mouth.” He looked at you and smiled tightly. The toothless smile that pulls his dimples in deep, a smile that usually tells that he is holding something back.

“I am one for a stupid comment, that’s for sure” You replied back, looking out onto the fire again. He adjusted his seating, sitting a bit more straight-up before he continued.

“It’s more than that Y/N. The way you process things and develop your thoughts. It’s… It’s something I haven’t come across before. The boys and I talk about you all the time. We try to guess, sometimes, the reaction you’re going to have to stuff. None of us are ever right, you know.” He was rambling on as he kept moving his fingertips on your spine, goosebumps beginning to show across your body in reaction, it sends a chill down your spine. Josh notices and breaks his trance with the fire to look at you before continuing.

“I mean, two years and you’ve kept me on my toes. Whenever I get stuck with my writing, whether it be lyrics or whatever, you help me effortlessly. It’s as if you know my mind through and through and can direct my emotions into phrases. They are always so poetic too. You’re so poetic…” He trails off looking out into the trees once again. You don’t know what to say, so you just snuggle into his side, your head pressed neatly into his neck as his breaths become quicker than his before steady rhythm.

“Thank you,” you mutter out, sitting back up, placing your hands in your lap, fiddling with your fingers before you continue. “Josh you make it easy for me. You and Jake, Sam and Danny, you all just stumbled into my studio one day and everything changed, I believe you still had a rat tail at that point.” You laughed at the thought.

“Oh god,” he commented back smiling down at you, keeping eye contact as you went on, continuing to rub your back in comfort; he knew it was difficult for you to be this vulnerable. You had this way about you that let you navigate other people's minds easily, but when it came to your own you were often at a loss for words. He was always patient with you.

“Josh. You’re one of the kindest souls I’ve ever met. Growing up I was outcasted for the way I thought. I always felt so alone for thinking the way I do, for being so ‘poetic’ as you say. I felt deranged at points, I felt too odd to deserve a place in the world. Then you lot came along… Joshua Kiszka your crazy ass almost makes me feel normal.”

You were breathing heavily after your quick rant. Josh kept his eye contact with you, but something changed within it. It wasn’t familiar anymore, something more than that. It was intense. Chaotically taimed with fear. You both stared at each other for a few moments in silence before Josh spoke up, keeping eye contact.

“Y/N.” He said wearily quiet. His face fell into a look that could only be described as gentle.

“Josh.” You whispered back, afraid that if you spoke too loudly you would scare the moment away. You could see the flicker of the fire that was dwindling down in the reflection of his eyes, his kind eyes. The eyes that feel like the truth to the universe, coaxing you in, not allowing you to look away. His hand that was on your leg lifted to cup your cheek, his thumb immediately began moving back and forth as if this was the most natural moment in the world. You allowed your eyes to flutter closed as you leaned into the feeling.

“You’re beautiful, doll.” He spoke lowley with precision, sounding like he was in a haze, a haze that was caused by you. You opened your eyes to meet his once more, but he was looking at your lips that were pressed into a blissed out smile. Under his stare, you licked your lips causing him to flick his eyes back up to yours quickly, a slight second of shock shown on his features before he settled again.

Both of your breaths picked up again. You didn’t know what was coming over you. Whether it was the chaos of the night, the mixed drinks, or the serenity of it all that caused the blissed out feeling that was washing over your body. Whatever it was you didn’t care when you broke into the silence in a voice smaller than a whisper, so quiet you weren’t even sure you spoke at all, maybe this was all in your mind; those words echoed through the silence.

“I want to kiss you right now.” Your small-phrase carried the impact of a scream. Josh sighed to himself, screaming just as quietly as you did just before with his own confession.

“Oh thank god.”

He leaned in, pressing his lips to yours. You were both gentle with each other at first, equally holding back the long awaited passion that viced you. It wasn’t until Josh pulled back with a low grunt that all filters where lost. Cravings took over as he pulled you to straddle his lap. His hands gripped you in any attempt to get you closer, one falling to the back of your neck, the other to the small of your back. Your hands fell into his hair, keeping is lips close, never wanting them to leave yours again.

You both were kissing as if it were a conversation. Allowing all the pent up, unknown frustration of your passion escape through your lips, only to be reciprocated with perfect understanding and authenticity. How long it lasted went unbeknownst to both of you. Time faded in the most delicate way, but eventually, you pulled back, out of breath.

You looked down at Josh who still had his eyes closed, a smile slowly coming to his cheeks as he opens his eyes and laughs out at you.

“What?” he pushed your hair off your shoulders as you continue to take in the sight before you.

You shake your head softly, “I just want to look at you.” You reached up to his face began tracing his features with your fingers, following your fingertips with your eyes. 

“I love looking at you,” You confess. Josh takes your wrist in his hand and begins kissing your fingertips, one at a time.

“You’re exquisite.” He sighs as he begins to pull your body back into his so he can kiss you again. You fall into him easily, quickly becoming addicted to the feeling. You lips press into Josh’s once more before you hear the heavy pounding of feet racing towards you both. You don’t tune into it quickly untill you hear a bellowing voice.

“Y/N?!? Y/N are you out here?!” An out of breath Sammy comes to a halt right in front of the fire turning to look for you. Quickly making eye contact with you and smiling and looking back towards the house, only to quickly snap back to take in what he is actually looking at. You straddling Josh.

This caused Sam to stutter out, “Oh what.. Umm… uhhh…” Quickly interrupted by a pissed off, equally out of breath Jake running up to Sam unknowingly.

“Fuck you Samuel and your freaky lanky alien legs! You winning is just fucking cheating and I’m sick of it! Did you find Y/N?” He questions and turns to look at Sam’s line of sight and lets out a shocked gasp as you slowly sunk into Josh’s chest.

“Well, I’ll be damned… Josh finally made his move.” Jake smirked at his twin with a cocky stance, a face that held a lot of emotions, but primarily pride in his brother. Josh groaned at his brother, hiding his face in your neck while you giggled at the situation.

Sam came back to the conversation and huffed out a loud breath before saying, “About fucking time you both realized you were made for eachother! You are the same damn person, fucking weirdos. You both like nature and weird clothes and fucking odd music that no one else in the world listens to and you both, like, read eachother minds and shit,” he looks to Jake for confirmation.

Jake nods his head and continues, “It’s weird right? Like Josh could be in the middle of a sentence and Y/N just comes in and finishes it.” They were now talking to each other as if Josh and you weren’t even there at that point. Jake continued, completely turning his body to Sam.

“Dude no one ever knows what Josh is saying, I was born with the kid and I still feel like I have to carry around a fucking dictionary to fully comprehend the bullshit he spits out. But Y/N she just… She just knows!” Jake threw his hands up in disbelief.

“Okay that’s enough!” Josh barked out, obviously not as amused with the situation as you were. You were still giggling at it all.

Josh then abruptly stood up from the swing, wrapping your legs around his waist and walking past his two brothers who drunkenly looked at us with dopey smiles.

“Excuse us fuckers. Put out the fire would you?” Josh yelled as he walked both of you back towards the house. You nuzzle your face into his neck as you looked over his shoulder at Sam and Jake who were cracking up at their feisty brother.

“Use protection big man!” Jake yelled out to us, leaving Sam in stitches, collapsing onto the swing.

Josh tapped your butt slightly, getting your attention, “Y/N, flip them off for me would ya?”

You did just that, causing the two boys to blow you kisses in return, sending you into another fit of giggles.

“Thanks babe,” Josh replied as he set you down to open the sliding glass door.

“Babe huh?” You looked up at him, smiling at the cute moment before continuing, “I quite like that.”

Josh smiled down at you, pulling you into another passionate kiss causing whistling to come from the drunk and giddy Kiszka brothers by the fire pit.

Josh broke away from your kiss to flip them off, then promptly throwing you over his shoulder and carrying you inside.

“Joshua put me down!” You yelled through your laughter. He quickly patted your thigh and hiked you up even further onto his shoulder.

“Never again love, you’re mine now.”

[myaekingheart]

103. Sage Advice

               Sakura chewed her lower lip as she focused hard on her chakra. She could feel it pulse beneath her hands, growing unsteady, as her vision blurred in and out. She hated how off she was today. She could not afford any setbacks. Beside her, Ino rambled on.

               “…and so I said ‘of course that’s not your job! And Sakura, when I tell you, he got so red in the face!” Truthfully, Sakura had hardly been paying attention but it wasn’t very hard to figure what Ino was on about. It was the same subject every day: the further adventures of Ino Yamanaka’s love life. The only thing that changed were the names and faces.

               It was hard not to notice Ino, for better or for worse. As the pair traversed deeper and deeper into puberty, it was clear that Ino was far more physically mature. Sakura tried not to be bothered by it. She tried not to focus on what she lacked but it was so hard to ignore. Sakura snuck a glance at her colleague and her heart leapt into her throat. Ino’s hair was always shiny and straight. Her skin was lucid and clear. She had curves in all the right places and her clothes hugged them flawlessly. No wonder she captured every boy’s attention.

               Sakura huffed a stray lock of hair out of her face. Her skin, in contrast, had grown far greasier than she preferred. She could already feel a third pimple forming on her broad forehead. Her strawberry milk hair was long and unkempt, her bangs constantly falling in her face as she tried to work. Her chest was unbearably flat an her sides were too straight and her arms and legs were growing too muscular to be lithe and feminine and beautiful. Deep down, Sakura yearned to be beautiful. She wondered if anyone would ever think of her as such, but quickly swatted away the thought. She knew they wouldn’t. Not when girls like Ino were around. And besides, she knew she only really cared about one person’s opinion of her, anyway. Someone whose heart she would never get to hold. But Sasuke meant nothing to her now. Not anymore. Sakura’s focus faltered. She cursed under her breath, knowing that she could not lie to herself.

               The door creaked open just as Sakura’s vision blurred again. Tsunade stepped inside with a proud smile. “You girls have really been busting your asses in here” she commented. “Why don’t you both take the afternoon off? Go get some fresh air, relax for a little while. You definitely deserve it.” Here, she glanced to Sakura specifically, who stared back at her with wide, uncertain eyes.

               Normally, Sakura would protest and insist she needed to continue working but all things considered, today she felt far too dizzy and chaotic. The room was caving in and her mind refused to shut up. Before Tsunade could say another word, Sakura had already shed her lab coat and raced out the door.

               Ino blinked, brow cocked and eyes wide. She met’s Tsunade’s equally confused gaze, pondering, “I wonder what’s gotten into her.”

               Sakura’s feet pounded against the ground as she weaved through the afternoon crowds. The ache in her chest urged her further, overflowing with a desperation to catapult into bed and cocoon herself within her blankets. To completely disappear from the world. Become an effervescent cloud of vapor, invisible and fleeting. She could feel the weight of a thousand eyes, a thousand passerby, scrutinizing her. A million invisible ants crawled across her body at their fictional stares. She needed to get out of here. She needed to go home.

               The people around her suddenly became a blur as a thud to her chest snapped her out of her daze. It took all of two seconds to realize she was on the ground with someone else’s groceries scattered around her. “I-I’m so sorry!” Sakura stammered. She automatically crawled over to help pick them up, cradling onions and carrots and cups of instant ramen. All the while, she kept her head low, unable to look the unfortunate victim in the eye. It was for the best, anyway. Her overgrown bangs helped to hide the fact that she was on the verge of tears.

               “Hey, it’s alright” a voice, strangely familiar, replied. The woman reached her hand out for the same pack of wasabi peas that Sakura had reached for, and that was when she saw it: an engagement ring. Golden and delicate with pearl inlay. Sakura understood in a moment. Rei.

               Ever since that night she had stupidly tried to woo her sensei, Sakura had felt an overwhelming anxiety toward Rei. She wondered if Kakashi had told her what happened between them and if that disaster had influenced Rei’s opinion of her. She was embarrassed to have ever thought that what she was doing was okay or healthy or helpful at all. She was embarrassed because Rei was strong and capable and within the appropriate age range—all qualities that Sakura knew she would never possess.

               Truthfully, it was not that Sakura was in love with her sensei. Rather, she was in love with the idea of being loved. The idea of being desirable by someone, of being thought of as beautiful and capable and strong. Kakashi just so happened to be the easiest target. He had proven himself skiled and knowledgeable and therefore his judgment was unmatched. Sakura was jealous, she quickly realized, not because she wanted Kakashi for herself but because she wanted to be the type of person that someone like Kakashi could admire. She wanted to be loved in the same capacity that they loved one another, committed to and protected and revered. She wanted maturity and respect. The ideal romance.

               Sakura willed her heart to steady as she croaked out a halfhearted, “Your ring is beautiful.”

               Rei’s cheeks immediately blushed, a small smile tugging at her lips. “Thank you” she replied wistfully. “To be honest I’m still trying to get used to it all.”

               “I can imagine” Sakura whispered. As happy as she was for them, this did not excuse the fact that this all seemed so abrupt. She wasn’t sure why, but it had felt like someone had punched her in the gut. Hard. “Well, congratulations” she blurted, jumping to her feet. Her hands were beginning to shake. She needed to get out of here as soon as possible. “I wish you both a lifetime of happiness.”

               Rei stood alongside her, cocking a brow. Sakura’s anxiety was nearly palpable. “Hey, wait, before you go” she said, reaching out to gently brush Sakura’s forearm. Sakura froze and that pesky lump rose higher and higher in her throat. The ring glinted in the sunlight and for a split second, Sakura wondered if she would ever be the type of person to get married herself. If anyone would ever love her so much as to commit themselves to her for the rest of their lives. The thought nearly made her vomit. Rei’s brows furrowed. “Is everything okay?”

               Sakura blinked and then swatted at the air dismissively, recoiling from Rei’s touch. “What? Of course! Everything is just dandy!” she lied.

               Nodding slowly, Rei replied, “Alright, I just wanted to make sure. You, uh, you look really tired.”

               Sakura’s cheeks burned. Yet another imperfection added to the list. The fact that it was Rei pointing it out made it that much worse. “I’ve just been working a lot lately” she said. “At the hospital.”

               “Oh, that’s right!” Rei exclaimed. She shifted the weight of her grocery bag to the opposite hip. “How have things been going with that? I’ve overheard Lady Tsunade talk about how dedicated you’ve been. Seems she’s really proud of you.”

               Proud. That word didn’t sit right with Sakura. She wasn’t sure why. “It’s really not that big a deal” Sakura said, dropping her eyes to the ground. This conversation was dragging on for far too long. She felt the weight of it all caving in on her, trapping her. There was no escape in sight. With a sharp sigh, Sakura finally snapped. “It’s just a lot of hard work and and takes tons of concentration and I’m on my feet all day and my head constantly hurts and it all wouldn’t be so bad if my stupid hair wasn’t constantly falling in my face and distracting me so much that at this point, I’m about ready to just shave my stupid head!”

               Sakura’s outburst had, unfortunately, attracted the attention of various passerby. She was growing deranged and unhinged. She was transforming into a metaphorical beast, claws sharp and mouth foaming. Hugging her groceries to her chest, Rei blinked as she processed the situation. Then, after a few moments of awkward silence, replied, “I could cut it for you.”

               Sakura froze, brows furrowed. “…huh?” she murmured. At first, she didn’t evn comprehend Rei’s response. When it finally hit her, it didn’t make an ounce of sense. Sakura could not bring herself to believe that there was any reason for Rei to be kind to her, especially in a moment like this.

               “Your hair” Rei replied. “I can cut it for you if you want.”

               “A-are you sure…?” Sakura asked.

               Rei grinned and gave a confident nod. “Mmhmm. I’ve been cutting my own hair for years” she said, huffing the long bangs out of her face.

               “I mean, I wouldn’t want to impose” Sakura replied, wrapping her arms across her abdomen. The thought of being within Rei and Kakashi’s home almost felt unclean, as if she was invading some sacred adult space where children like her were not welcome. Glimpsing their domestic life terrified her.

               Rei chewed her lower lip, picking up on Sakura’s uncertainty. “If it means anything to you” she said, “Kakashi is away on a mission for the next few days so it would just be the two of us. Not sure whether that scares you more or less, though.” Here, she added an awkward little laugh—the kind that attempts to lighten a steadily intensifying mood.

               Rei was not going to lie and pretend like her and Sakura knew each other deeply. She didn’t expect Kakashi’s pupil to feel comfortable in her presence alone. Yet in such a vulnerable state, being around a man may be just as uncomfortable if not moreso. Besides, this presented an interesting opportunity. Deep down, Rei wanted to grow closer to Sakura. If Kakashi was her mentor in the technical aspects, Rei felt compelled to be her mentor in the womanly aspects. In how to navigate this rocky, horrifying journey of adolescence within the ninja world. How many others did Sakura have to depend upon? Her parents were happily married, yes, but if Rei knew anything about teenage girls, it was that their mothers were the last people they confided in. Or at least that was true of Rei and her own mother, but perhaps Sakura was different. Perhaps she didn’t need anyone else’s support. And yet Rei was smarter than that. She could tell in the way Sakura carried herself, the anxiety pulsing through her aura, that she was alone and insecure. That she could use a confidante, a sister, a friend. If Rei was capable of fulfilling that role for her, then so be it.

               Sakura chewed her lip as she considered the proposition. Rei’s eyes were so unkind, her voice so soft. The way the sun shone upon her, Sakura could argue that she almost even looked angelic. Some shinobi savior come to rescue her from her petty, adolescent depression. And then an “okay” was spilling from her mouth before she could further overthink it. They set the date for that Thursday at two in the afternoon.

               Sakura retreated home in a daze, barely saying hello to her parents as she floated upstairs and flopped into bed. She would have three days to chew over her circumstances and consider backing out. Truthfully, she wasn’t sure if she even wanted to. But she was never really sure of anything anymore. Burying her face in her pillow, Sakura sucked in a deep breath and broke down.

               Rei rested a hand upon Toshio’s head as, the following day, they strolled through the village. Overhead, the cherry blossoms were on the verge of blooming. All the while, Rei thought of Sakura. Rei had a responsibility to her now. She knew that Thursday was going to be about more than just hair. But how was she supposed to guide and assure a young girl? Rei had no experience. She wanted to do this right, to ensure that she was providing Sakura with the best possible support and resources. The longer Rei chewed over the matter, the clearer the solution became. There was only one person she could depend upon for help in this. She patted her thigh and picked up speed as she raced toward the old apartments on the other side of town. In a second story window, a stained glass lamp flickered.

               Chikara was just settling down for her afternoon tea when Rei knocked on the door. No matter how times she stepped foot in her sensei’s apartment, Rei was consistently taken aback by how unreal the aura of the place always felt. The windows were adorned with heavy brocade curtains turned back by thick, golden rope and large armchairs upholstered with lavish florals were angled just so in front of her round wooden table, set with a lace cloth and fine china. A fancy little teapot whined on the stove and the whole place smelled like lavender.

               “I was wondering how long it would take you to stop by” Chikara replied, ushering her student inside. “It seems your engagement is the talk of the town.”

               “Apparently so” Rei blushed. She slowly sank into one of the armchairs as Chikara poured her a cup of Earl Grey. It wasn’t necessarily Rei’s favorite but she sipped it as a courtesy anyway. She knew that for Chikara, it tasted like home.

               “Well, let’s see the ring then” Chikara said, taking a seat herself. A small smile touched her lips as she poured her own tea. Rei extended her hand out across the table, the ring glinting in the afternoon sunlight. A satisfied smile touched Chikara’s lips. “Who knew Kakashi had such fine taste?” she jested. “It’s truly beautiful, Rei. I’m incredibly happy for you.”

               Rei drew her hand back and smiled sofly. “Thank you, Chikara-sensei” she replied. “It’s so weird to think how far him and I have come. I never thought this day would happen.”

               “I know you didn’t” Chikara replied. She set the teapot down on a dainty potholder and took a small pastry from the platter in the center of the table. Raspberry jam oozed from the center as she took a bite. “I always did, though” she added.

               Rei blinked, pausing as her teacup just reached her lips. “You did…?” she asked.

               “Mmhmm” Chikara nodded. “You know what they say about that red string of fate” she hummed. “I knew Kakashi’s life was far too intertwined with yours for you to ever end up with anyone else. It was bound to happen. Besides, Minato and I were very close friends once upon a time. You’d be surprised what senseis say to each other behind closed doors.”

               The thought of Chikara knowing something that Rei didn’t heightened both her anxiety and her curioisity. That suspicious smile on her face sent shivers down her spine. “Do I want to know?” Rei croaked.

               Chikara chuckled and swatted at the air. “Don’t get so panicked, Rei” she dismissed. “It was nothing you wouldn’t expect. Just the relaying of some childish gossip.”

               “Like what?!” Rei exclaimed. Despite Chikara’s casual demeanor, this realization did not help quell her nerves. Her curiosity was far too strong. Not that it even mattered what Kakashi had said about her ten years ago, but he had been so distant back then. She was not involved in that part of his life, so to know of whatever fleeting thoughts he may have had about her made her feel desperate. Toshio rested his head in her lap, and Rei fed him a crumb of plain cake.

               Chikara wiped a smudge of jam off her lip and shook her head. “If you must know, I only really remember one instance in which a young Obito Uchiha mentioned something about you to him during an argument. Minato had said that the minute he heard your name, Kakashi’s face turned red and he got rather defensive. Told Obito to never bring you into things, that he had no business and that you were not a part of this or something to that effect.” She tried to remain as casual and flippant as she could, to make it seem as if it wasn’t a very big deal, but it was to Rei.

               At first, there was shock. An uncertainty. And then that warm, tingly joy bubbled up from the center of her chest. Rei’s cheeks blushed as she clutched her left hand to her chest and giggled softly. “Well, thank you for telling me that” she said. “I know it doesn’t really mean anything now, but it’s still nice to know. I’m glad he still cared about me back then as much as I did him.”

               Nodding, Chikara smiled and replied, “It was exactly that sort of thing that made me confident that all of this was destined to happen.”

               A wistful expression crossed Rei’s face then as she swirled the tea in her teacup. “But god, there was no way of really knowing back then, you know?” she laughed. “I know I definitely didn’t have any faith in it. I was so annoying back then…fuck, how did you ever put up with me?”

               “A lot of patience and faith” Chikara replied. “You girls were certainly not easy to raise.” Here, she laughed softly to herself, getting caught up in her nostalgia. She thought of Naru and her incessant gossiping, of Sekkachi and her quick temper, and of Rei’s physical weakness. They were up against so much, and yet they all had a dream that they worked so hard to reach. “I think I did as good a job as I could have” Chikara gave a definitive nod.

               “You did an amazing job” Rei reassured. “That’s actually part of the reason why I wanted to talk with you, by the way.” Chikara cocked a brow, her curioisity piqued. With a flourish of her hand, she urged Rei to continue. “The next generation needs some of your wisdom.”  

               Approaching Kakashi and Rei’s apartment was daunting. Sakura stood before the front door for five minutes contemplating whether to knock or run. Even if, physically, Kakashi was absent, his presence still loomed over the whole place. He was there in the books on the shelves, his dirty clothes in the hamper, the way he’d leave little pieces of himself scattered around the house. Sakura sucked in a deep breath before rapping her knuckles against the door—fast, fearful, frantic. Toshio’s rabid barking only further heightened her anxiety.

               Rei answered the door with a soft smile, tender and cautious enough for treating fragile young hearts. She ushered Sakura inside, apologizing under her breath for Toshio’s enthusiasm. “Just let him sniff your hand and get used to your scent” she suggested. Sakura limply hung her hand out in front of her so the dog could take a whiff. He moved slowly at first, as if studying her every move, then pressed his nose to her palm. His whiskers tickled against her fingers, his nose cold and wet.

               As her and the dog got acquainted, Sakura looked around the apartment. For such a small space, it was filled with incredible light. Rei spread a large sheet out across the living room floor, then dragged a kitchen chair into the center. On the coffee table sat a brush, a comb, a pair of scissors, and a regular shaving razor. The kitchen counter was cluttered with various snack bags, half empty and fastened shut with clothespins. Puffs of fluffy white hair were scattered across the floor—an unavoidable hazard of owning a large dog. A blanket was draped carelessly over the couch with a small stack of books and an empty mug. Rei smiled sheepishly back at Sakura. “Sorry for the mess” she said. “Kakashi usually keeps me in check when it comes to housework.”

               Sakura laughed nervously and gave a single nod. It was jarring to see just how messy Rei was. Not dirty, but cluttered in an almost cozy, comfortingly imperfect manner. She had never expected Kakashi to be attracted to someone like this but if anything, this was the first of many frays on the thread of her expectations. This, of course, then slapped her with the realization of what she had expected for him: someone who was flawlessly domestic, almost plastic. The novel housewife. She wasn’t quite sure why. And yet in the moment, this made so much more sense. Of course Kakashi would love someone like this. Someone who was relaxed and peaceful, who could make a house into a home simply by living there.

               Once Toshio was finally comfortable with Sakura’s presence, Rei motioned for her to sit down. Sakura obliged, settling in with hands folded in her lap. “So what kind of cut do you want?” Rei asked, grabbing the scissors. “Not that I’m super experienced at this or anything but if you had something specific in mind, I can see what I can do.”

               “Just a trim is fine…” Sakura replied quietly. She shifted slightly as Rei grabbed another sheet and draped it around her shoulders, clasping it at her neck with a clothespin. Then, with a single nod in understanding, Rei grabbed the scissors and began assessing Sakura’s hair.

               Sakura watched as Rei circled her, pursing her lips and furrowing her brows. She felt like a specimen in a lab and began to wonder what parts of her, specifically, were under scrutiny. Rei held up a lock of hair between her middle and index finger and asked, “Is this length alright?”

               “Um…sure…” Sakura replied.

               “Because if you want it longer or shorter, don’t hesitate to tell me” Rei said. “It’s your hair, you have the final say in it.”

               “Well, um…” Sakura stammered. She couldn’t bring herself to make eye contact. “What length do you think would look good? I want something that can flatter my, um…figure.” She wrapped her arms insecurely around her flat chest and Rei quickly got the idea.

               Nodding once, she replied, “I think something short would be good. I know you said you got sick of your hair getting in the way when you were working. Maybe shoulder length would be alright? Something kind of like how you had it before, maybe?”

               Sakura’s eyes grew frantic as she asked “But isn’t that going to make me look younger?” The last thing she wanted was to look like a child.  

               “I don’t think so” Rei replied. “From what I’ve heard, a lot of people say that short hair makes you look more grown-up. I mean, if that’s what you’re going for.”

               “Then chop it all off” Sakura abruptly replied. Rei chuckled under her breath before getting to work. Sakura watched as each lock of hair fell to the floor, long strands cascading down onto the bright white sheet. With each sharp snip of the scissors, she felt herself spiralling deeper and deeper into her own internal madness. Maybe this was a bad idea after all. Maybe she didn’t really want her hair cut. Maybe she wasn’t prepared for this kind of change, for the exposure and vulnerability that came with a transformation like this. “That’s a lot of hair” she whispered, voice shaky.

               “Don’t worry” Rei smiled. “It’s not as bad as it seems.”

               Sakura tried to believe her but with how much mess was on the floor, she feared she would be bald by the end of this. She regretted lamenting a few days prior about shaving her head. Bald really wasn’t a good look for her. “Hey, Rei…?” Sakura asked after a few more moments of silence. Rei peeked around at her, cocking a brow in curiosity. “Can you leave my bangs kind of long?” she requested. “I just, you know…would rather cover up all of this.” Here, she awkwardly pointed to the patch of zits on her broad, shiny forehead.

               Rei gave a single nod in understanding as she finished carving out layers into Sakura’s hair with a razor. As she skirted around to the front, she replied, “You know, I heard azuki beans are good for acne.”

               “Really?” Sakura asked.

               “Mmhmm” Rei replied. “I tend to break out a lot during, you know, that time of the month but a friend of mine told me about how exfoliating with azuki beans can help. She’s chock full of weird home remedies like that. She’s always been super organic and shit when it comes to food and wellness.” Rei chuckled softly at this, wondering what Sakura thought of that sort of thing as a medical ninja herself.

               As Rei stepped back to survey her work, Sakura dropped her eyes to the ground. The scrutiny made her anxious. And then, with a melodic hum, Rei disappeared through the bedroom door. She rooted around in the bathroom cabinets for a moment before reemerging with a handheld mirror. “I hope I did alright” she said, handing the mirror to Sakura. The young kunoichi took it carefully and held it up to view her new hairstyle. It was practically the same as she used to wear it, and yet there was something distinctly different this time. Perhaps it was that her face no longer looked as round and childish as it did before, or that her cheeks were no longer as cherubic and blushed. Or maybe it was the way her eyes had already grown weary and dull. Regardless, something seemed off and she wasn’t sure what to do about it.

               “It…it looks great” Sakura croaked. She could hardly bring herself to lie about it. And truthfully, it wasn’t the haircut itself that was bad. Sakura was actually quite impressed with how skillful Rei was with a pair of scissors. Sakura’s general displeasure was impossible to hide from Rei, though. The redhead immediately spun around, a look of quiet panic in her eyes.

               “You hate it” she deduced. “What is it? Is it the length? Should I have kept it longer? Or did I mess up the bangs? Maybe I can fix it. I really don’t want you to leave here unhappy.” The thought of having upset this young girl terrified Rei. She knew there was a reason why she didn’t cut other people’s hair. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

               Sakura shook her head, swallowing back the urge to cry. “No, it’s fine. Really” she insisted. “I guess it’s just…a big change.” Rei’s face softened as she sunk down onto the arm of the couch, reaching the threshold of relief. Sakura unclipped the sheet from around her neck and let it fall to the floor, running her fingers through her hair so as to shake away the stray pieces. Feeling how short and light it was brought her right back to those days of her youth and a sob forced its way past her lips.

               “Oh god, I’m so sorry” Rei replied, clapping her hand over her mouth. “This was a dumb idea. We never should’ve done this. I knew I’d fuck up. I’m so sorry. I never meant to upset you.”

               “I-It’s really not that!” Sakura frantically assured her. The look of panic in Rei’s eyes was jarring. Sakura had never expected her to be so self-conscious. And knowing she was at fault for such distress only worsened Sakura’s mood. I really can’t do anything right, she thought to herself. “It just feels kind of weird” she muttered. “I’ve always felt kind of weird about the short hair.”

               “Then why didn’t you say something?” Rei asked. “You were allowed to say no.”

               “I-I don’t know” Sakura replied. “I didn’t know what else I wanted but…I never know anything anymore. It’s just all messed up.” With a soft sob, she buried her face in her hands. “I just…I don’t know, I never feel like myself anymore. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

               Rei cocked a brow, nodding slowly. “I think it’s normal for girls your age to feel like this, you know” she said.

               “Well, if it’s so normal then why is stupid Ino always flawless and confident and beautiful?” Sakura suddenly snapped. “Why does she have so many guys falling all over her and asking her out? Meanwhile I can’t even get one boy to look at me like that! Not that he’s even here to begin with!”

               And then suddenly Rei knew exactly what was going on. She fought the knowing little smile threatening to creep across her lips. “This is about Sasuke, isn’t it?” she asked.

               Even the mention of his name sent Sakura spiralling. She froze, her heart pounding in her chest, before slowly staring back at Rei like she had just ripped the head off an infant. “W-what…?” she finally whispered, her voice hoarse and strained. Was she really that transparent?

               Rei leaned her elbows on her knees and replied, “Kakashi told me what happened at Ichiraku. I know how much you’ve been struggling with Sasuke’s deflection and honestly? I understand what you’re going through.”

               Sakura blinked, unsure what to do with this information. At first, she was furious. How dare Kakashi-sensei tell others of what happened that night. But of course he would tell Rei. They were engaged, after all. They likely told each other everything. And then her fury transformed into defensive confusion. Her mind lingered on that one sentence: I understand what you’re going through. Sakura recoiled, frowning. Rei could never. How could she? She had everything she could ever want. She was strong and attractive and had won the heart of the man she loved. She was one of the lucky ones.

               “You don’t believe me” Rei said, catching on Sakura’s offense. A light chuckle broke past her lips and in that moment, Sakura could’ve punched her. Or at least she would have if she could.

               “I’ve seen the way Kakashi-sensei looks at you” Sakura muttered. “He’s always loved you.”

               “And what makes you so sure about that?” Rei smiled. “Things haven’t always been that simple, you know.”

               Sakura rolled her eyes. “I doubt that.” Rei pursed her lips as she watched Sakura reach up to toy with a lock of hair. She twirled it around her finger and tugged at it so that a few individual strands floated down into her lap. “I’m so stupid” she whispered. “You could never understand.”

               With a determined grin, Rei leaned forward. “Try me.”

               Sakura hadn’t expected Rei to suddenly become so fiercely confident. That glimmer in her eyes told Sakura she had challenged the wrong person and she considered just running right out the door. But, again, there was also this magnetism. A little voice telling Sakura that it was okay, that Rei was safe. Toshio scooted nearer and rested his massive head in Sakura’s lap. She stroked his silky ear and sighed. “I’m just…so tired of wasting my time trying to impress other people” she murmured. “I should be doing things to impress myself, but…but I don’t even like myself to begin with. Everything just feels so messed up in my head and I’m constantly so self conscious and scared and uncomfortable in my body.”

               Rei frowned, her eyes brimming with sympathy. “It’s so easy to compare ourselves” she said. “I’ve fallen into that same exact trap and it fucking sucks.”

               Sakura cocked a brow in suspicion. “You have?” she asked.

               “Only every day of my life” Rei laughed. “I mean, do you think I wake up every morning and think of myself as some sort of love goddess? Absolutely not.” Here, a small laugh escaped both her and Sakura’s lips. Despite the ring on Rei’s finger, the thought of being sexy and desirable to someone—espeically Kakashi—still seemed outrageous to her. It didn’t feel real. Rei locked her gaze on her left hand and sighed. “I wasted a lot of time comparing myself to other people, too. People I thought were more beautiful or skilled or worthy than I was. I mean, I’ve got crooked teeth and messy hair and this dumbass scar across my face. I always thought I looked like some ugly hag. I couldn’t imagine how anyone could find me loveable. Sometimes I still don’t.”

               “Well, whatever. That doesn’t matter anymore” Sakura replied sourly. “No matter what you might think about yourself, you have Kakashi-sensei. Clearly he must find you loveable if he’s asked you to marry him.”

               “And what makes you think you’re such a lost cause, hmm?” Rei asked.

               “Because no one will ever see me as desirable and I know it!” Sakura replied. “Especially not Sasuke.”

               Rei nodded slowly. “I mean…for what it’s worth, Sasuke is…well, he’s kind of going through something right now.” And you are likely the least of his priorities, Rei thought to herself but she knew better than to say so aloud. It would only make Sakura feel worse.

               “I’ve been trying so hard not to think about him” Sakura replied. “I honestly hate him. I hate him so much. But then I say that and I feel so dirty and disgusting inside because I know that’s not true!” Sakura furrowed her brows and groaned in frustration. “I’ve tried to pour all of my energy into training so I can distract myself but that just leaves me even more tired and moody than I was already was. I just can’t get him out of my head. Why did he have to leave? Why couldn’t I make him stay? I can’t stop wondering where he is and what he’s doing and if he’s okay. Hell, for all I know, he could be dead right now! I just…I just want him to come home. I just want him to come back to the village and for everything to feel normal again. I don’t even care if he never loves me back. I don’t think he ever would, anyway. I’m nothing. I look at people like Ino and I just feel so ugly and disgusting. She was going on and on the other day about all of these boys who are interested in her and of course they are! She’s beautiful and charismatic and kind. Why can’t I be all of those things, too? Why can’t boys look at me that way? And want me? Is there something wrong with me?” Sakura brushed the hair out of her face and sucked in a deep breath, her voice growing shakier with each word.

               “Hey, look at me” Rei insisted. “There is nothing wrong with you, okay? You have so much going for you, Sakura, and if a guy can’t see that then maybe he’s not the right person for you because you deserve someone who thinks the world of you, you know?”

               By now, the tears were streaming down Sakura’s face but she didn’t even care. She had held back for so long, she couldn’t be strong anymore. She felt pathetic. “Kakashi-sensei told me that I shouldn’t measure my worth in the opinions of a boy but it’s so hard to not feel worthless compared to people like Ino, and it’s not even just that she has guys falling ove her, either. She’s so gorgeous no matter what and I just…I don’t understand. I want to be beautiful, too. Why can’t I be beautiful, too?” Sakura’s sobs overtook her again and this time, they were too strong to let her continue speaking.

               Rei’s heart broke for her. It was clear that Sakura was truly in so much pain but not only that, she was also incredibly lost and angry and scared. “Oh, Sakura…” Rei murmured, rising from her seat. Then, without even a second thought, she approached to wrap the young kunoichi in a big hug. In any other context, Sakura probably would’ve felt uncomfortable and uncertain but now, so vulnerable and distraught, she fully accepted Rei’s comfort. She buried her face in the crook of Rei’s neck and held her tightly, sobbing into her shirt. Once Sakura had calmed down a bit and was able to breathe, Rei leaned back and brushed the hair out of her face. “Sakura, I’m sorry that you feel the way you do” Rei replied. “But Kakashi’s right, and I’m not just saying that because I’m his fiancée. Your worth is not defined by a boy, nor is it defined by anyone but yourself, for that matter. And you need to believe that you are worth something no matter what. I know that’s easier said than done but…but it’s true. You have so much potential, Sakura. You are capable of so much more than you give yourself credit for. I just wish you could see yourself the way that I know so many other people see you: as a strong, beautiful, talented young ninja.”

               “Do you really think that?” Sakura asked, wiping her nose with the back of her hand.

               Rei grinned and nodded. “I really, truly do” she replied.

               Sakura shook her head. “You’re being too nice to me” she said. “I don’t deserve it. Why are you being so nice to me, anyway?”

               Sucking in a deep breath, Rei huffed and tried to organize her thoughts. “You know, you kind of remind me of myself when I was your age. I guess I’m telling you all the things I needed someone to say to me back then.” Sakura pursed her lips and averted her eyes, sniffling as she tucked her hair back behind her ear. “Can I tell you a story, Sakura?”

               Sakura looked back at her with a confused but curious gaze. “Y-yeah, I guess…” she muttered.

               Rei settled onto the edge of the coffee table and gave a single, definitive nod. A part of her was actually terrified to open up to Sakura like this but if it could help her feel less alone, then the anxiety of her own vulnerability was worth it. “When I was six, I enrolled in the academy. No one wanted me to become a ninja except for my grandmother and Kakashi. They supported me when no one else did” Rei began. She could tell Sakura was unsure of where, exactly, this was going. “I became a genin when I was ten and by that point, Kakashi had been through a lot of sadness and heartbreak. He completely rescinded his support, would tell me I was too weak to be a ninja and that I should just give up. He pushed me out of his life and barely spoke to me for over ten years. I was heartbroken. I couldn’t wrap my head around how he could do this to me. It didn’t make any sense. I was so angry, so you know what I did?”

               “What?” Sakura asked, eyes wide.

               “I channeled all of my energy into my training. I thought that if I wasn’t good enough for him, then I was going to bust my ass to prove to him that I had a place in this career. And honestly, it was for the best. If I had never worked as hard as I did, Kakashi and I never would’ve been reunited and we never would’ve gotten to where we are now. And I think you should do the same. I’m not saying to better yourself for the sake of Sasuke, but you need to put yourself first no matter what and take care of what you have going on with yourself. Once you take care of yourself, everything else will fall into place exactly as it’s meant to. I promise.”

               “R-Rei, I had no idea that all of that—” Sakura started, but Rei stopped her before she could finish speaking.

               "I know” she said. “But that’s all in the past now. It’s not important. I understand now why Kakashi did the things he did and as much as it hurt in the moment, I respect him for it now. He was only trying to protect me. The ninja world…sometimes things can get very complicated.”

               Sakura laughed sarcastically under her breath, muttering, “That’s the truth.”

               “But, Sakura” Rei continued, resting a hand on her shoulder, “I just want you to know that if you ever need anything, I’m here for you no matter what. I support you and I care about you.”

               “Well, thank you…” Sakura replied. Then, after a moment of silence, “But…why?”

               A soft smile touched Rei’s lips then. “Because being a woman in this profession means becoming part of a sisterhood. We kunoichi have to support each other and take care of each other. No one else is going to do it for us.”

                Sitting there, face to face, in the dusk sunlight of that cluttered little room, Sakura felt within herself something she had never quite known before. She couldn’t put a name to it until she was returning home, shuffling through the evening crowds as merchants closed up shop for the day. She wondered if this was what it was like to have a sister, a mentor not necessarily in trade like Tsunade but in life. What had she ever even done to deserve such unwavering support? All of the thoughts and fears that Sakura had previously felt toward Rei had completely vanished. In their place, all that was left was warmth and comfort and light. As she settled into bed that night, Sakura drew the covers up under her chin and let herself appreciate the softness of her bed, the plush of her pillow, the hum of the fan above her. A soft smile touched her lips as she closed her eyes. For the first time in a long time, Sakura was at peace.

[houseofvans]

ART SCHOOL | INTERVIEW WITH JUSTINE JONES

Baltimore based artist and illustrator Justine Jones creates her vein of psychedelic fantasy horror drawings–filled with tiny black lines and an occasional pop of bright colors–which have been featured on the covers of Kobold Press and Warlock magazine. Using the hashtag #VisibleWomen to amplify the voices and portfolios of women comic artists, Justine has be able to do more illustrative work and character design. We’re excited to find out more about Justine’s artistic journey, her love of role-playing games, comics, art, her influences and much more. . .  Take the leap! 

Photography courtesy of the artist. 

Introduce yourself?    Hi, I’m Justine!  I’ve lived in Baltimore Maryland for the past decade and currently live in a small apartment downtown with my partner and my shiba inu Mo, who is a cool and grumpy guy.

How would you describe your work to someone who is just coming across it? I used to call it storybook surrealism, but now I guess it’s more like psychedelic fantasy horror?  Monsters and Wizards.  Lots of tiny black lines, sometimes with lots of bright intense colors.

How did you start from doodling and drawing to what you do now? I feel like it sort of happened organically.  When I was younger, I would do just pencil drawings, and then in my late teens, I got more into using micron pens.  I didn’t really discover color until a few years ago, so I’m a huge color noob.  I think a lot of it also came from working in comic shops for years and going to conventions.  Seeing all of these amazing artists grow, and thinking hey, I could maybe also do that! I first started with t-shirt designs because it just seemed really fun, and I used to have a really hard time selling prints.  People don’t need more prints, but they can always use clothes!  Now i’m getting more into illustrative work and character design, and I’m loving it!

Who and what were some of your early artistic influences? When I was a baby, my dad hung an Aubrey Beardsley print over my crib.  My mom thought it would make me deranged, and maybe it did, but it also made me love ink work and Art Nouveau style haha.  I was obsessed with sword and sorcery stuff and loooved cartoons like He-Man and She-ra, and later, Pirates of Darkwater. I also spent a lot of time in elementary school copying sexy comic book ladies from 90s comics, and I know that is pretty far from what I do now, but it’s honestly how I learned to draw.  I also copied a lot from children’s storybooks when I was little.  

What are some things that inspire the drawings you make? What are some of your favorite creatures and beings you like to explore in your art? Video games are a huge inspiration to me, from SNES JRPGs, to games like Dark Souls and Bloodborne.  Also folklore and mythology from around the world, and fantasy artwork from the 70’s, 80’s, and 90’s.  Basically anything fantasy.  My favorite things to draw are wizards and monsters.  I love body horror, anything disgusting and beautiful at the same time.  I take a lot of inspiration from Manga, like Berserk, or anything Junji Ito.  I’ve done a lot of Illustrations for Clark Ashton Smith stories, which I find endlessly inspiring, visually.  Just like, fantasy/ sci fi/ dying earth type stuff.

When did you start collaborating with Kobold Press on creating some awesome fantasy art covers for their publications?  I remember getting the email from them when I was on the way to Necronomicon Providence in 2017.  I thiiiink they found my stuff through the visible women hashtag on twitter?  I was very excited because I owned some of their adventures from back in the day when I played Pathfinder!!  Plus, I have always always wanted to draw things for table top RPGs, so it’s been really cool to actually do it! The Warlock mag that I’ve been doing covers for is awesome because it’s going for an old school DND vibe, but it’s all things that are made for 5th edition.  You can get it on their patreon, and I hiiiighly recommend it to anyone who plays 5e dnd!!  

Take us through your artistic process? What’s a typical day in the studio like? Haha extremely chaotic!  I don’t even have a real set workspace, which I really need to change, I just draw where ever. Just chill out, listen to music or a podcast, and draw.  If I’m further along in a drawing and don’t need to focus so much, I’ll watch movies or video gameπ– let’s plays while I’m drawing.  I also love to listen to/ watch things that are in theme with what I’m drawing, to give me some inspiration.  I try to go to coffee shops to change things up sometimes!  Basically I just do a bunch of sketches until something materializes, and then I will just slowly refine the sketch.  I guess it’s not that exciting, but it’s cool to see the first sketch and the finished product because in my head, the sketch always looked like the finished product, but when you go back to look at it, it’s usually just indecipherable scribbles.

What are your essential art tools and materials? 90% of my art is just done using a .05 mechanical pencil and micron pens.  I also draw everything on smooth bristol.  If I have time and want to make my lines super crisp before I scan them in, i will use a light box.   Then for color, I generally use Kyle T Webster brushes in Photoshop with my Wacom tablet.   If I’m on the go, I like to draw things in Procreate on my iPad Pro, but I’m definitely not as good at doing detailed lines digitally.  

What do you do when you’re not drawing or working on projects? How do you unplug? Haha, I wish I ever truly unplugged, I think my brain is now melded into the internet!  But mostly I love to play video games.  JRPGs and anything From Software/ Soulsborne (currently obsessed with Sekiro!)  I also love comics and manga.  I’ve been reading The Girl From the Other Side, which is a beautiful dark fairytale Manga by Nagabe.  I also just got one called Witch Hat Atelier, which has the most amazing art! My partner also owns an insane amount of board games, so we play a lot of those.  I’m obsessed with coffee, and work part time at a coffee shop, and my favorite thing in the world to do is eat good food.    

What has been the most challenging project you’ve worked on? How did you overcome those obstacles and what did you take away from it? I made a kind of cosmic horror short story in mini comic form last year for SPX, I had very little time,  and it was my first time actually writing a story/ dialogue to go with my pictures.  It was insanely challenging.  I ended up with a finished product that I’m really proud of and that I’ve gotten a lot of positive feedback on.  I think it really drove home the fact that I just need to stick with things and finish them, even if I don’t feel like they’re perfect.  I’m never going to have the time that I want, and I’m never going to feel like anything is perfect.  I can still make a great thing!  

What advice would you give someone who wants to follow in your footsteps and pursue art? Don’t spend 4 years doing nothing, but playing World of Warcraft (Or doooo?).  Uhhh, believe in yourself.  Be nice to other artists.  Draw all the time! Immerse yourself in things that inspire you!  Also, like I said before, things don’t need to be perfect.  Let go of perfect, because sometimes it’s an unattainable ideal.  Just do as good as you can, and don’t beat yourself up so much!  I’m horrible at advice!!!

What’s your best Art School tip that you want to share with folks?   Haha, I moved to Baltimore to go to MICA like, 14 years ago, and then realized I was poor, and would never be able to go to MICA… sooo… I never went to real art school.  I wanted to go so bad, and I still wish I’d had that experience, but I want other people who can’t afford it to know that you don’t NEED it.  Things are a bit harder, but you can find so much free info online if you have the drive, you can teach yourself so many things.  Don’t get discouraged just because art school isn’t gonna happen for you.

What are your favorite style of VANS? I love my lavender/ sea fog Authentic Vans, because they basically go with anything, but I am always eyeing those Sk8-His.

Anything you can share that is coming up?   Ahhhh, I have some realllly cool things that I can’t share yet, but just everyone keep an eye out (It will be very exciting, i swear)!!  As for things I can share, I’m working on some new t-shirt designs, and another comic, and also plan on drawing some more cool wizards in my spare time.   So if you wanna see some cool wizards, uhhh, come to my Instagram–you guys!  Let’s hang out and look at wizards.  And talk about wizards.  And if you don’t like wizards well, don’t come I guess.

FOLLOW JUSTINE: INSTAGRAM | WEBSITE | TWITTER | STORE 

[curiousstrawberry]

I was tad bit bored at work so I put together some info about Desideria 

it got kinda long so I put it under the cut 

- When Des escaped the Farm for the first time, she was wandering around starving and pretty much helpless/useless. She had no idea what to do with sudden freedom at all. She met this nice lady by some real awful motel, who thought Des was a runaway from home. The lady, who introduced herself as Desideria, gave her food and let her sleep in her room for few nights. It was the first real kindness anyone ever shown her and it just stayed with her so Des adopted the woman’s name and made it her own. She realized some time later that it wasn’t the woman’s real name just ‘professional’ one she’d used with her clients. Des is really proud of her name and where it came from and if you ever disrespect sex workers in front of her you will be maimed. 

- During Farm days her hair was kept really short and she was made to wear wigs for the undercover missions. Their favorite to use was blond one and paired with pretty dresses, which made her look really cute and non-threating. She despised that – the bland smile, pretending, all the fake persona they created. It’s one of the reasons she subconsciously hates her puppet since Eden looks very similar to what she was made to look like back then. Sucks to be you, Eden.

- Des used to be lot more impulsive back when she was Sidestep, she still sort of is, only now she tries really hard to repress it along with all her emotions. The shear strength of will that goes to keeping herself in check is enormous. She is a weapon after all, a tool. She should be cool and collected… unfeeling.

- One of her biggest fears is losing her sanity and becoming another Heartbreak, which I’m looking forward to exploring. She is on very thin thin ice with losing all the control she worked so hard for. Who knows tho if things go well she might not go as unhinged but I wouldn’t count on it. 

- As of right now she didn’t kill anyone (if you don’t count people at Farm when she was escaping, because if that’s an option she absolutely murdered everyone who crossed her path) and is pretty reasonable for half-deranged villain. However, that’s mostly because so far, it’s been quite easy. All her plans worked fine, she beat up Rangers no problem, no one is a great threat for her yet... looking at you HG. If that changes and if she feels cornered and fighting for her life, well, it will won’t be pretty. 

- Unsure if she could actually go there and kill Ortega. Even if the choice was between her life and his I don’t think she would be able to kill him… even threatened with going back to Farm she probably couldn’t. She would, however, use any means necessary to make him kill her. She’s not going back.

- She is the sort of person who needs to have six different backup plans before starting any sort of mission. Yeah, those plans will go to hell but she needs to have them prepared. She can be very obsessive about this. 

- Her apartment has HUGE chaotic energy – placement of things doesn’t make sense like at all, lots of colors everywhere, lots of stuff everywhere. Basically, no one could even begin to navigate her apartment but she has perfect knowledge of where is what. If you move one thing, she knows it moved and she will punch your throat. The entire apartment is covered with fairy lights. It’s tacky as hell but she loves it. 

- When she jumped out of that window, her hands took majority of damage and while doctors managed to repair them again, sometimes they hurt a lot, to the point she’s unable to carry stuff around or her they start to tremble so much that she usually drops anything she holds. One of her ankles got messed up really bad too, which is one of the reasons she won’t dance anymore.

- When she feels agitated and restless, which happens a lot, she tinkers with different stuff, repairs stuff etc. It used to help a lot when she was Sidestep, now her hands sometimes fuck her over and she gets really angry about it, completly destroying the thing she was repairing.

- She was ever attracted to one person and that’s Ortega (tbh doesn’t matter if Ricardo or Julia, it’s not about gender but about Ortega being Ortega) and it took a very long time for her to realize that. Their early relationship was basically: oh, you’re flirting with me; yeah, I’ve been doing that for past year thanks for noticing; oh… When Argent kissed her villainsona she was like???! Currently, she’s very confused as to what she feels towards Argent. If there’s any attraction or if she’s just attracted to danger Argent represents. Not even going into whole Ortega business we don’t talk about that.

- Since her second escape from Farm she doesn’t drink any alcohol or take stuff that would affect her mind/judgement in any way. She’s too paranoid and too afraid to do that. 

[ecotone99]

[HR] Mushroom Caps

I can see them through the windows again. They surround my house, just beyond the glow of my lights. Exactly like every other night, they're begging me to come out, beckoning and shouting to me that "everything's okay; you can come out now." But they don't fool me; the silver moonlight outlines their figures and the mushroom caps protruding from their bodies. They used to be normal people, healthy and sane, but now they're the closest thing to monsters on this earth. Polyporus mushroom caps as tough as Kevlar speckle their bodies like fungus on trees. When they're not pretending to be human, they're quietly wheezing and their bloodshot eyes are constantly flicking around, searching for their next victim. I would call them zombies, but they look far too alive for that to be accurate; their skin is still of a healthy complexion and blood still runs in their veins. They seem more like people that went insane and grew mushrooms than walking corpses. I guess that description isn't all that far off, considering what I've seen them do.

People first started turning into these things about a week or so ago and those who were infected became highly aggressive. They broke windows, charged houses, and killed everyone they could find in massive, chaotic riots. I'm not sure when the military got involved, but they weren't very helpful. They were good at killing them — hell, the 50 cals even stopped some riots entirely — but they seemed to always be short on numbers and supplies. Making the situation worse, checkpoints were trying to check everybody leaving for infection in hopes of preventing the spread of this insanity disease, but that only kept people trapped in with the rioting mushroom people. The army gradually lost more and more territory as infection numbers climbed and everything finally came to a tipping point when a local university caught fire. Some gas pipeline must have been ignited because the whole thing went up in a massive ball of flame soon after. It was only hours later when a fireworks factory on the opposite end of the city erupted like a volcano. Don't know how that happened, but explosion took out a few blocks; place looked like scene from hell. By that point, the surviving city population had joined the infected in the rioting and the only way you could the riots apart was whether or not they looted what they destroyed. I repeatedly tried calling friends, family and coworkers, but they stopped answering after a day or two or just didn't answer to begin with. After a few days of chaos, the city had quickly gone quiet for the most part and, as far as I knew, the only people who were still alive were me and a neighbor who'd also gone undetected. Despite how grim everything was, I started to get a little excited at first. I thought maybe he and I might be able to co-operate and survive together somehow — maybe passing supplies between our houses or making a base together. I guess it was all just hopeful thinking, though, because he didn't last long.

Some infected found out he was still alive after a little while and tried to get into his house. The boards on his windows and doors kept them out and they gave up after a few days of failing to get in. Over night, they seemed to unanimously opt for something else and by morning, they had surrounded his house and were loudly calling him out. For days they stood outside his house and begged him to come out. They shouted that everything was okay; that there was nothing to be afraid of anymore and he could come out now. Their chanting never fooled him, as he could see them for what they were out in the sunlight, but they never stopped shouting. As the hours passed, their chanting attracted more infected, which just made the cacophony of voices louder and louder. He lasted a day or so before the constant chanting made him finally break.

He slowly opened his door and stepped out with a look of utter defeat on his face. The infected all immediately stopped their speaking, screamed like deranged loony-bin escapees and sprinted at him. The first one tackled him, knocking him back into his home, and the rest flooded in with him. I'd never known just how long a minute could last until I heard his shrill screams for mercy radiating from only a couple dozen feet away. Once the nightmare people were finally satisfied, they dispersed into the nearby forest, covered in blood and viscera. I feel like shit admitting it, but I'm a little glad he's gone; I never knew I could appreciate silence as much as I had.

I snuck out a couple of times to restock on food and water once I was sure they were all long gone, but I guess I wasn't cautious enough and some infected found out I was still alive a few days ago. Now they're begging me to come out, just like they had my neighbor. The only difference is this time they're only coming out at night. I guess that makes it more bearable, but not by much. They shouting and beckoning forces me to only sleep during the day as the cacophony of voices has made it nearly impossible. I've held out longer than the other guy thanks to those small windows of silence before the sun sets and writing in this unused journal has been helping keep me sane. I've thought about staying awake longer than usual to go out and get some stuff, but the fear of a surprise attack has kept me from so much as cracking a window open.

One of them's banging at the back door. It's boarded up so he won't be getting in.

I've done my best to stay sane despite the nightly calling, but I've started to crack. All of the voices of the once-people combine into one horrid cry of noise that overlaps with itself and it's chipping at my psyche like a pick at a stone. I don't have a lot of dreams anymore, but when I do, they're haunted by the things outside my door and I live in constant fear of a sudden death at their hands or by the beige spores that tint the air like stained glass.

The hell did I even do to deserve this? I used to have my entire life ahead of me. I attended a prestigious university states away from home that I'd worked my ass off to get accepted to and was finally chasing my dreams of being a teacher. I had a loving girlfriend and a family who always supported me in whatever ways they could, even from as far away as they were. I guess all of that means nothing now that a few boards of wood and a gas mask are the only things keeping me from an early death.

I don't know how long they're going to stand out there chanting. Nor do I know what I should do after they leave. I don't even know if I'll still want to live after they're gone. Realistically, there aren't going to be many healthy people left out there; just mushroom people like the ones outside. Life would just be a torturous, hellish path to insanity, and that's assuming I'll even survive long enough to go insane.

Maybe I should just give up like the other guy. They seem friendly enough to their own kind.

Maybe I'll take my mask off today and breathe the spores.

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em, right?

submitted by /u/ButtstonFreem [link] [comments] via Blogger https://ift.tt/32q8Yi5

[room75]

The Beginning

So hi. If you don’t know me already, my name is Erin. I’m an almost 20 year old high school dropout singer/songwriter, who also happens to be a witch/Wiccan, and I’ve had a spiritual awakening. I’ve created this blog to share my story about it, basically using it as a journal to write down my experiences regarding the journey that I’m on.

This is the story of how it all started.

Let me start off by giving you a bit of a backstory and just say that, well, I haven’t always had the easiest life growing up. I won’t go into specifics, because I choose not to focus on the negatives anymore, but I’ve battled more trauma than most would probably think, which has had an understandably dramatic impact on my overall mental health. A lot of the demons I’ve battled, I’ve done really well with. Others not so much.

So let’s set the scene.

2017.

Probably the wildest, most chaotic, darkest yet most magical and transcendental year of my life. A lot of shit went down in 2017 which I won’t mention here, but for the first half of the year, I spent most of it hating myself and living in fear. I was in a really weird place where I was constantly fearing for my life but desperately wanting it to end at the same time, and hating myself tremendously but being a self righteous, narcissistic, deranged megalomaniac at the same time, so I relied on partying every weekend to numb it out for a while.

That’s all I was for a long time last year, or at least I tried to be. Numb. I battled alcoholism and one hell of a weed addiction, and even made more suicide attempts than I can count on my own two hands. A lot of my reckless decisions and risk taking landed me in hospital, and I was even admitted to the psych ward for a few days on two occasions last year due to suicide attempts. There’s even quite a few extremely traumatic events that happened to me last year, which still to this day cause me to suffer instense flashbacks and night terrors from, but enough about the bad shit. I’m rambling now, and bad shit probably isn’t why you’re here.

It was around this time last year where I would say my spiritual awakening began to surface. I use the word surface because I don’t believe it had started yet, however it was this period of time where I became a lot happier after drastically cutting down on alcohol, and had officially droppped out of year 12 to study music instead. I called myself Happy Erin for a while, because I was starting to genuinely enjoy life for what seemed like the first time in forever, and had gained a lot more clarity and peace after making some not-so-easy decisions about my life choices. However, even though I was becoming more and more connected with the earth and to music, I still wasn’t fully awake yet. I still had my selfish and foolish ways, and I hadn’t really won the battles with my inner demons yet.

Now let’s fast forward to November 2017. At this point in my life, you would’ve thought I had everything. Doing gigs, writing music, recording studios, amazing friends, going to a music school that looked and felt like it belonged on a movie screen, getting a regular income, getting the high marks in all classes.....nope. This is where I was the EPITOME of numb. Stoned 24/7 and on meds that would make me sleep for more than half a day. I think maybe I had gotten to a point where I just had no tolerance for mental pain in my life anymore, so I chose not to feel anything. No more highs, no more lows. It’s like the lights were on but nobody was home. Things seemed okay, but definitely could have been better.............that is until I finally got my hands on tickets to see Stevie Nicks live, something I had waited for what felt like a lifetime, so I saved lots of money, packed my bags, and went away on a weekend holiday trip with a friend who I had only known for three months at the time. Little did I know that what I was about to experience, was something I’ll probably never forget for the rest of my life.

Now, if I was gonna go into detail of how deep my love for Stevie Nicks and all things Fleetwood Mac goes, you’d probably be here forever, and I think this first post is gonna be long enough. What I will say though, is that there is no other person that I connect with more than Stevie. If it weren’t for pretty much every single thing about her and her music, I probably wouldn’t be writing this blog at all or maybe even still have a beating heart. Let’s just say she truly changed and saved my life.

There truly are not enough words in any language to describe the beyond euphoria I experienced at this concert. No poem, no book, and certainly not even this first lengthy post could possibly come close to hitting the nail on the head. To be honest, I think that’s the real beauty of a spiritual awakening, because everyone’s journey is completely unique. No one knows the true core of your feelings but you, and no one knows the true core of my feelings but me.

I was already having a phenomenal weekend, mainly because I couldn’t even remember the last time I had gotten away from the busy hustle of Sydney for some well needed relaxation, but it wasn’t until my friend and I had gotten to the destination for our coach bus 45 minutes early out of excitement and I cried while listening to Rhiannon, that it had started to sink in that I was about to experience something truly spellbinding and unforgettable to say the least. From the beautiful kindred spirits I socialised with on the bus and at the venue, to being front barrier, utterly hypnotised by Stevie’s performances and inspirational and personal stories, it was all something definitely beyond anything I could’ve possibly dreamed of.

This was the night that I completely let go of all my insecurities, danced with my heart’s desires like no one was watching (and there were....there’s videos somewhere of me dancing like a crazy hippie to David Bowie when the DJ was playing in between sets), laughed and cried with witches, gypsies, psychics, old hippies, all in a beautiful vineyard virtually in the middle of nowhere surrounded by mountains. I couldn’t even explain to you just how overwhelmingly ethereal the whole atmosphere was. I was with my core tribe, even though most would say everyone were just strangers.....and throughout the night, I had suddenly found all the answers to my life that I felt I had been searching an eternity for. Every little thing that I had been questioning or had been troubling me, I suddenly found the answers to and got the closure I needed for god knows too many years. I had finally realised my life’s purpose, and even had an incredible encounter with an old friend who had passed away a few years ago, and it took me quite a while before I stopped being a blubbering mess. I knew right then and there that if that level of happiness was possible, then I could carry the positivity and peace with me for the rest of my life, no matter what challenges my life would be faced with from that point onwards, so that’s exactly what I did. The universe was calling me, and chose me, and finally I answered.

From that point on, I have lived each day with a much higher understanding of the world, and what plans the universe has for us as individuals. I live everyday listening to my intuition, knowing my life’s purpose and feeling it with every fibre of my being. Most importantly, I now live life with no fear, only love.

I could really go on forever but I think I’ll end it here, so I don’t end up running out of things to write about. If you’ve made it this far then I thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to read my most important journey.

I’ll be writing more posts when I feel it is important. There’s a lot I’d love to share here, so maybe I’ll put up more posts soon.

In the meantime, look after yourself, and keep peace and love in your heart.

Don’t stop thinking about tomorrow.

Sending everyone love and light 💖🌿🔮🌙🌄🌞

[asuranecromancy-blog]

Into Chaos ( fanfiction file no. 1)

It was cold in the hall. The Priory could be a great place for knowledge and experience, but not for confort. Well, the weather was great for preservation. No brain would go rotten there, for sure.

This time, however, Cassidie was there not to read books or make any experiment. She had gotten a letter from the steward, and it sounded urgent. She hated that. Urgent letters made her feel unconfortable, like she had done something wrong and was about to hear about it. There was no motive: her missions where done and all reports were redacted and filed in the archives.

"Magister, i require your presence in my office for a urgent matter."

So, the asura was now looking at the office doors, nervous. There were voices on the inside, and her perception of life forces told her there were others with Steward Gixx and Ogden. More than that she could not infer.

A deep breath. And a push to the doors.

"Ah, Magister Cassidie, glad you came. I trust you already know Councillor Suzzia."

"Magister."

How could she not know her? Her nice face, her fair brown hair well done, the soft skin. She could be the nicest asura on whole Tyria, and to most she certainly was. Hardworking, sympathetic to most, well educated, and tolerant. Cassidie hated her, an hate that grew deeply within. It all started when they where no more than meere young progeny...

.

The young progeny Cassidie was then a student in Thaumanova. The Thauma Magitech Labs United had a small lab dedicated to forming the progeny of their workers. Some would then stay there and just naturally enter one of their labs. In her case, her mother worked there in the Golem assembly lines, and she hated it there.

Suzzia was almost her age, and a smart young progeny. Her father was famous for inventing some relay crystal, so there she was, an example of a progeny. They became friends when Professor Tarkk assigned them a little project. After that, they where together doing projects or exploring the city and annoying the vendors.

That was, until...

When again their professor gave credit only to Suzzia, Cassidie decided she was too tired of being less considered just because her parents were not famous. Suzzia made a funny face, of someone who was trying to look cute and crying at the same time. That was it. Not only he put her in probation, as latter Suzzia ignored and started moking her with new friends.

With that she just got out of it. Ran away from that lab, and all of them. She would find a new teacher, a new lot of troubles, but hoped had seen the last of Suzzia.

Not.

.

She was in the College of Synergetics when she saw Suzzia again. It was a strange fate that, of all three asuran colleges, they had to choose the same. Except this time Cassidie was no longer a timid progeny, but a bitter necromancer apprentice with a bit of Inquest medling on her background. So, instead of being happy when the two where assigned a project, she dreaded it. But had to work hard for it. It was college, after all, expensive and extenuous, but rewarding.

However, during the presentation her name was cut out, like she wasn't even in the project. It was not on the papers either. It had been the last drop, and the two got out of it with a fight. Cassidie got a black eye and a suspension of two weeks.

Only much latter she found a place in Varkk's krewe, and by that time Suzzia was already graduated and gaining fame among asuras.

.

"Steward, Councillor... I came as soon as i could. You spoke of an urgent matter."

"Indeed. Councillor Suzzia brought us an urgent matter; they have found the cavern from where the Inquest extrated crystals used in Thaumanova. The place is still controlled by them, but an investigation would be in order, to at least understand what happened in Thaumanova. I have assigned you this mission. I trust you can do your best to enlighten us in this situation."

To work with Suzzia again... she would rather go directly to Arah completely naked.

"The cavern is located in Iron Marches, west of the Old Piken ruins. Arcane Eye agents are already securing the place. We believe some Inquest are inside. They either were displaced there when it blew up, or are preparing something. Not good. The sooner we get there, the sooner we'll get to the bottom of this."

"The Arcane Council thanks your suport, Steward Gixx."

.

The place was littered with Arcane Eye agents. Most of them didn't say anything when Cassidie entered the perimeter, but a few still remembered when she got Professor Gorr out. They hadn't exactly ended in good terms, even if Councillor Flax dropped all charges on her and Batanga.

"Wonder if she's here to bail her necromancer teacher out. What is Councillor Suzzia thinking?"

"I don't care what Councillor Flax said. She tries that here, i'll show her some Arcane Eye force."

She hadn't considered that. After the Thaumanova disaster, she avoided any thought on her former teacher. He was an active researcher in the Inquest facilities when the reactor blew up, and one of the many that simply went missing. No one else cared; he was old and mad, completely deranged even for Inquest standards.

And that was the motive Suzzia came to request her. She planned to use the necromancer against her old master. Well, Inquest or not a master is a master, and she did not plan to do what the councillor told her. To hell with Suzzia and her pretty plans and popularity.

If only she didn't feel like she had to impress Gixx...

Once inside the chaos was evident. Broken Inquest golems and bodies amidst the bursting crystals. The air was filled with static and strange energies. Yet, she felt it as familiar. She had grown up with that strangeness around, studying chaos within and around herself. So many questions. Would there be answers in that cave? Had her old masters the answers she seeked?

There was one researcher alive. When interrogated, he begged to be spared; he had a brokken leg, and blood was dripping from his nose. He had no idea if there were others alive, or where were they.

She had to find him before Suzzia or the Arcane Eye.

Using life force perception, there was a faint sign of life there, either to far away or to weak. They went looking on the other side of the cavern. But the chaos crystals were acting up, shrinking some agents, pulling creatures from everywhere, or even altering the course of time. For once she thought she had seen a steam creature (those foul creatures she had... well, it was better not to think about it. The Infinity Ball was stripped of power and stored away safely). And time was flowing backwards sometimes, or stopping and then jumping foward.

Up some pillars there was a hidden chamber. There, she saw him.

He was not physically hurt, but it was evident he would not live much longer. Feeble and breathing hard, he was muttering to himself. In the last years he had gone bald, but never lost that spark of mischief. As soon as she entered the chamber, he knew she was there, and he knew it was her, and nobody else.

"Ah, if it isn't my young gloomy little apprentice. Tell me, Cassidie, did you come to see your old master die? Have you finally gotten tired of playing good asura in college and embrace who you truly are?"

"You know that's not it. I was worried... I... I know i've been away. I couldn't stay with the Inquest. Look at what happened."

He laughed, and then started coughing hard. All of that had taken a toll on him.

"I know you better than that. You didn't look behind, and you did right. Be free, from the Inquest, from them... you don't need them. But tell me, you come for answers, don't you? In all your travels and adventures, and believe me i know of them, you haven't found anything quite like you."

"You know...?

"I can't tell you. Sorry, my young demon. It is not from me you'll hear it."

That was him. He had a dirty secret, and he would take it to the grave. Good old master, always a selfish prick.

"Suzzia dragged me here. To study the crystals. To do whatever she wants... with you. I hate her."

"I wont live long. I can already feel the final minutes ticking away from me. I'm finally going to study the Eternal Alchemy up close, touch it. What's happening here is a twinning effect. We messed up with this crystals, we were idiots to use dragon magic with chaotic material. Now, the chaos reacts to himself after the Thauma blow up. Take my things: my insignia, my research. Don't let those councillor idiots take it. Do whatever you want with them. But know this: you have something, and it's time will come too. It won't be easy, or fair. But you're not like us."

Outside she could hear the councillor and agents looking for her, as if she was an escaped criminal.

"Don't you dare to cry, you idiot. And do me a favor, and punch however that Suzzia is in her face."

"I told you councillor she would run away with him. She's no better than them."

"Quiet. Until there's proof of it, they can still be here. And we need him to..."

"He's dead." Cassidie said, suddenly relaxed, like she was just taking some tea and waiting for friends to join her. "Anything more, councillor?"

They looked like idiots. Pawns in the hand of a beauty saint-like manipulator.

"Oh dear, i'm sorry you have to go through this. It's okay Savant, you're at ease here. We're just going to get some samples, and you are free to return to the Priory. Agents, please, take what it's needed."

But not even when they were alone she dropped that mask. For that the necromancer found her absolutely hedious.

"I know you hate me, Savant, Magister, what title you wear. But that doesn't change the fact that I won prizes before you, and am by far best located among our asuran peers. You have to respond to me."

"Is it, Councillor Suzzia? I don't know what you did to ever get to the Council, or who you did. But i don't have to give you nothing. Unlike you, i'm free. And i'm done here."

.

One week later her report was done, and she was about to submit it to be archived. His Inquest insignia was now resting inside one of her backpack pockets, the research papers where actually a heavy binded book in her collection. She hadn't dared to read them yet. Perhaps one day latter, when all of that was but a bad distant memory.

After all that, Suzzia had come again to speak with the steward. It seemed like she had a great delight in speaking with Gixx, even more when Cassidie was there doing her obligatory Magister chores. It made her blood boil, but her mouth was sealed shut. After all, as long as she remained quiet, she had something Suzzia didn't, and that was a victory. Even if she didn't understand what the councillor really wanted from him.

She had also a headache. Not something big and hurtful, but something that remained there for days, tiring her. Could be from the chaos within the cavern. On her way to the enfermary to grab some pills, she found Historian Garrod there, getting stitches.

"What happened? You look terrible, Historian."

"We were attacked by some massive shadow creature in the swamp. What about you? I believe you haven't come to the enfermary just for a visit, Magister."

"Nothing heroic, just a strange persistent headache that's bothering me for seven days now."

"That's funny. That is exactly when that shadow behemoth attacked the swamp..."

.