#WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THE TAGS THE INFORMATION OVERLOAD I-

[llondonfog]

Me, shoveling all the twst masquerade spoilers into my mouth and crying!!!

[venus-is-thinking]

Fanmade DRDT Playlist Explanations

Hey everybody! About a week ago, @accirax and I made this post about a character playlist we made for DRDT. It was in a randomized order in case people wanted to take guesses and figure out whose song was whose. We’re going to be giving out the answers now, but if you want to take a shot at placing any of them, feel free to take a look before looking at our answers! They’re written out beneath the cut.

In addition to just saying which songs were intended for which characters, Accirax and I decided to write out explanations for each of the songs in the same way that we did for the official DRDT playlist. So, for anyone who saw that a while ago, it’ll be a fun little throwback. Any explanations will be preceded by an A or a V depending on which one of us wrote it.

Also, spoiler warnings for DRDT through Chapter 2 part 1. Sections with specific content warnings will be flagged, but in general, content warning for murder and death.

Okay, onto the songs!

Homunculus by Trickle: Levi Fontana

A: Homunculus is a song about trying over and over again to create a better version of yourself to escape the parts that you hate. Personally, I think that it relates to Levi and his character themes pretty well. Levi is always looking to the people around him to figure out how to act and what the “right” thing to do is. When he messes up, like with getting fooled by Arei or threatening Ace, he’s filled with regrets, and turns to others to help him right his wrongs.

Presumably, it’s due to his estranged family that made him act this way. He may have been able to get away from them, but will he ever be able to get away from himself?

Realized in my last life That I hate the light So I keep running And running I’m trying to hide

Levi’s struggles to converse with others and to trust himself are the results of his own low self esteem. In his secret quote, he talks about “his heartlessness,” and while many people speculate that he is a “killer without remorse,” his worries about not being a good person are sort of remorse about not feeling remorse over doing bad things, if that makes any sense.

I'm broken, torn, and tattered I'll never be full again

Many of Homunculus’ lyrics feature the singer berating themself for various reasons. They worry about not being up to par with what people expect of them, not fulfilling their own expectations of themself, and being a shell of who they should be, among other things. These premises may be similar to how Levi feels as someone who wants to be a reformed hero, but fears their villainous origins are too powerful to ignore.

Also, if the popular theory that Levi is involved in the Chapter 2 murder (whether as the sole blackened or as an accomplice to someone else) holds true, the singer’s resolution to do better “in their next life” could hold additional meaning to Levi. 

So maybe in my next life I'll finally find Find a way to wash away all the shame To erase and wash away all the shame

Either he’s about to die, so the next life is the only chance he has, or he’s managed to screw this life up so badly by being involved in a murder that his morality might be unsalvageable. Even though he would continue living for at least one chapter in that secondary case, the quest to continue reforming himself might seem too insurmountable.

Hate It! Hate It! Huge Ego! by KurageP: Arei Nageishi

V: Here we are with Arei! This song cold opens on some lyrics that fit Arei pretty obviously: 

That small girl, I just hate her! She always acts like a nice person.

This refers to Eden. Arei picks on Eden, but it’s because Eden is a very good person in Arei’s eyes. She doesn’t believe that’s something that can exist, and she takes out her frustration that she isn’t allowed to be nice on Eden.

Arrgh! I want to be loved! I want to be loved!

Similarly to how we gave Shunran to Arei “they say that praying to be loved is a sin. It has such a sweet scent” Nageishi, I generally associate feelings of wanting to be loved with Arei. Additionally, the frustration and anger present in this demand to be loved makes me think of Arei; she wants to be loved, but doesn’t know how to get it, and that frustrates her.

Just like that kid did to me,  I just crush the garbage underfoot, right?

This line is probably the best for Arei in the song, given that it directly ties into how she developed her worldview. Arei was once nice (like Eden), but her sisters bullied and abused her until she no longer could be. She learned to stand up for herself by mimicking her behavior and pushing them and others down. She “crushes the garbage” of other people under her foot, just like how her sisters did to her.

I hate humanity! All they do is flock together. I try to pay attention to others’ feelings, But I just get completely ignored!

Arei wants to be a caring person, but she doesn’t let herself be anymore. She used to “pay attention to others’ feelings,” like Eden does, but her attempts at solving the situation peacefully were always ignored. Because of that, she learns to hate humanity.

I’m the most special of them. I need people to understand me!

Arei builds herself up as a queen bee type and praises herself about being the best (bowler and in general), but she also wants people to understand why she’s cruel the way that she is. Deep down, she wants to be nice, even if she believes it to be impossible. That understanding is something she searched for in David.

I didn’t do anything. But, but, but, but, but… Aah, I want to be forgiven, I want to be forgiven. I’m so lonely.

This song adds in a moment of sincerity, showing the remorse that the singer carries and how they feel alone. Again, I think this reflects how Arei thinks at times rather than how she acts. However, it quickly returns to the same, full-power chorus as before, showing that Arei won’t allow that loneliness to actually change her base persona or get her down; she wants to be loved, but she’s still the same strong, confident Arei at the same time.

I don’t even recognize my own face!

Shoutout to J/Arei swap theory on this line if that ends up being true!

A: While I overall agree with the interpretation of the opening paragraph(?) best fitting Eden, while reading through Venus’ analysis, I came up with an alternate interpretation.

That small girl, I just hate her! She always acts like a nice person. Is she just gonna act like I don’t notice? Those! Eyes that look down on me!

These could be Arei’s opinions about herself in the past. Arei hates her past self for being small and weak, and thus leaving herself vulnerable to her sisters’ abuse. Why didn’t she see how pathetic she was being? And why would she even have the thought that her past self might hate the person she’s become…?

That popular girl, I just hate her! She only likes fashion,  Abruptly talking like it’s her business. So shallow. Shallow, shallow, shallow.

And these are Arei’s opinions about herself in the present. Because, come on, you can’t watch that Chapter 2 breakdown scene and think that Arei is actually as confident in herself as she pretends to be. Arei may now be a typical queen bee who enjoys fashion and girly things, but that doesn’t actually make her any stronger or cooler. She cuts into conversations to inject her own hateful comments, shallowly feeding into her own worldview. I don’t know if Arei in the story would actually recognize that she has any of these feelings, but I think they could be there to be noticed had she lived longer.

Also, Milgram fans, rejoice in the bullet you dodged that we didn’t wind up giving Arei Reversible Campaign. Even though we didn’t like giving her literally the Mikoto cover of it, we almost did before we remembered that Huge Ego existed. Like, seriously, what would have been up with that? Arei should’ve been Mu, if she had to pick a Milgram character…

Please Play-Bite by Pinocchio P: Nico Hakobyan

A: Remember that scene in Chapter 1 when Nico spent an hour just reciting tongue twisters to MonoTV? In my opinion, that was the best written scene in all of DRDT. Ah, memories. (/j)

Anyways, if you get past the most obvious premise of the song, “Pinocchio P flexes his tuning and songwriting skills by making Miku recite a bunch of tongue twisters” (which does not apply to Nico at all), the rest of the song makes a lot of sense.

My head is full of anxiety God, I’m begging you to [finish] me I bit my tongue again (Oh no)

Due to their anxiety (and perhaps other neurodivergence), Nico struggles to communicate with others on their/society at large’s terms. They hate talking to people because people always react negatively to what they have to say, even if they’re trying to be nice.

In the song, I think that “I bit my tongue” is more literal– the singer messes up saying the tongue twister, and with their tongue in a nonstandard position, they accidentally chomp it. In a metaphorical sense, this could signify how Nico can’t keep up with a “normal” conversation, and keeps having things come out wrong if they just speak off the cuff. However, there’s also the more traditional interpretation of “biting your tongue,” which is refraining yourself from saying something that you want to say for the good of the situation. There have probably been a lot of times in their life that Nico has wanted to say something, but has stopped themself from doing so because they don’t want to cause trouble.

The song has a lot of references to not understanding what people are doing or saying.

Isn’t it difficult to live a normal life, ouch ouch ouch

The sensation that enthuses the young and the old I’m not quite understanding it, oh what do I do

Kind words sound distorted to me

I don’t really know what the section about loving someone at the end would mean, though. You could extrapolate it to be about Rose, and how she used to like Nico before losing some faith in them now. However, any change of heart Rose may have had wasn’t because Nico was bad at communicating– she doesn’t care about that– it’s because Nico went behind her back to steal her turpentine and nearly kill Ace with it. So, who knows.

Also, shout out to this lyric for clearly being about Ace.

My neighbor eats [persimmons], he’s from Planet Complaint

I’m going to start saying that Ace is from Planet Complaint now. Thanks, Nico.

Last Score by Sekikomi Gohan: Eden Tobisa

V: This is a very positive and loving song, which is fitting for Eden. After all, she’s someone who cares a lot about her friends and family, and she tries to spread cheer and positivity to those around her. 

A face full of tears doesn’t fit your profile really that well

I let go of both my worries and anxieties, happy day! Yeah!

This voice of mine will be with you No matter where you go

There are also a lot of references to time, which, obviously, fit in with her role as the Ultimate Clockmaker.

I’m stricken by my valuation of time The traffic light stays red, unchanging

Experiencing the past, the future and the now that I’m grasping

Hundreds, thousands of years, or even an eternity, in this endless life of mine

However, it’s the combination of those two things that make a narrative that I think fit Eden. Her secret quote– “You can never go back, no matter how hard you try”-- implies a sense of desperation to return to the past, something that ties into the themes of her Ultimate talent. When paired with her secret, “Ever since you kissed her, you were afraid your sexuality would ruin your friendships,” it becomes clearer that there’s someone in the past who she loves.

If you combine the two, you can come to the conclusion that Eden longs for the past, partly or entirely because of the person she kissed. This song is one of longing for a past relationship.

The love/sorrow that we amassed Is proof of my existence with you Even my dreams, my wishes, and my painful memories as well Everything, everything, everything, I was with you

This interpretation works with a general longing, which I’d argue is present in Eden’s character no matter what. Accirax and I, though, along with some others, believe in Eden Chapter 2 culprit theory, with the belief that her motive is to reunite with the people she’s left behind, notably the girl she kissed. 

If that is the case, there are also song lyrics that would allude to her taking direct action to get back to the life she left behind.

The reason why I can run without feeling down Is because I’ve known love

I’m overturning the notion that our parting is inevitable

Either way, though, I think that this song fits Eden as someone with a lot of love and desire for others’ happiness that guides her actions.

Change by Monkey Majik: Hu Jing

CW: Suicide for this section!!

V: Okay, so this one is a lot more speculative. Like, obviously we know some things about Hu, but a lot of what I’ll be talking about is about where I believe her character is headed/what I think we can determine about her. For what it’s worth, I’ll be assuming that the hopeless child secret– “Dying once wasn’t enough, so you attempted suicide three times”-- is Hu’s. (This analysis by @1moreff-creator focuses on Min, but it’s a lot of why I believe Hu’s secret to be this.)

So, that being said, I’ll be speculating a lot about Hu’s mental state, so… my bad if I get anything wrong.

You had your wishes but you threw them away It made you happy yeah for more than one day But now you're lost and cannot figure a way To get out of this lie that comforts you

This is, in my opinion, about Hu’s transition from being the “hopeless child” to where she is today, in the killing game. Something must have changed to aid her mental state (could easily be something she “threw away”), which fits with making her “happy” (not actively suicidal, at least from what we’ve seen). However, now she’s here in the present, and she’s not sure what to do. What should she do to move forward, especially in this context?

You'll never change if you keep running away

I’m not sure exactly what Hu feels she’s running away from, but I feel alright saying that she is, given her secret quote: “I want to pay for what I’ve done. But even then, I still want to live.” Hu wants to be someone different and make up for something (or, if this occurs in the future of the series, to be someone different from the person who takes whatever action this describes), but she doesn’t know how.

Brothers on the top pressing all the melodies

Takatantan!!! Sweet sound of the shamisen Tsugaru style if you know where they're coming from

I don’t know much about music, and while I assume these lines wouldn’t successfully relate to zither playing specifically, it’s still true that the more traditional sound of the song and the references to music make me think of Hu’s talent.

Wouldn't it be nice if the whole world got along?

This relates to Hu’s desire to have everyone get along and be on their best behavior. She wants everyone in the killing game to work together peacefully, but that’s difficult to pull off, given the stronger personalities in the group.

I need a change 'Cause it's all gone wrong for me Somebody else to lead me now (I want) somebody else to lead me now

This can definitely also relate to Hu’s dynamic with David; she saw him as a co-leader, someone else who could help her keep the more unruly personalities under control. However, with his heel turn, it’s plausible to say that Hu would be looking for “somebody else to lead her”-- someone else to support her views and to make her less alone in the struggle to keep people under control. 

The rest of the lyrics I’d have to interpret based entirely on my own predictions, but I’ll give a quick shot at it:

Sing them your song You'd be surprised how many people wanna hear what you're saying

I suspect Hu will, after dealing with the fallout of David, seek to try to enact that same stability onto the group. Some people, I think, will be receptive, and Hu will realize that what she has to say has meaning.

Maybe! Who knows! I still think this song fits Hu’s vibes.

A: Wait a minute… what’s that?

Apples are red, but taste The same as green, wooo!!

Is that a hint about Color Theory? Are red and green the same person? Is Monkey Majik trying to tell us that Hu is confirmed for the green color, but also the red color? Does that mean that Hu is the mastermind? Is this–

CW: Suicide over!

Get Chemical by Polite Fiction and Audiodile: Charles Cuevas

V: Okay guys, I promise, this song makes sense beyond “get chemical.” I know it’s a weed song. But not for Charles. If you ignore the weed part it’s a Charles song. Trust.

A: It’s not about weed. Ignore the weed. Pretend it’s not there. It’s Charles time.

V: Okay, but in all seriousness, this song fits him really well. The song moves him through his character arc chronologically, so that’s how I’ll be looking at the song’s lyrics. The song starts off with Charles’ more no-nonsense worldview.

There's a time and a place For wasting space And if you're not coming home Then it's a slap in the face

It's nothing worth doing If you just can't do it alone

Charles starts out not wanting to “waste time” or bother with any of the other students. He thinks the only things worth doing are by himself, so that’s what he does.

But I don't wanna wait for days

Charles then gets tired/bored of being by himself (as he warns Teruko will happen to her at the start of Chapter 2). He starts getting impatient, and thus ends up spending time with some of the other students.

And I'm tired of the games we play While you sit and judge me there from on your throne

Charles gets frustrated, though, because he feels that no one takes him seriously. Notably, Whit and Teruko make fun of him a lot. He feels judged by the others. However, once he tells Whit this in the bonus Chapter 1 free time, he starts to make progress; Whit understands him, and thus stops judging him so harshly.

Put the train wreck on display Marvel and wonder how it sways Wear that disapproving stare right through the phone

Then, the murder happens. Xander purposefully triggers Charles’ hemophobia to put him out of commission, and Charles then has to be visibly out of it for the entire Trial. Though Whit tries to preserve his privacy, he eventually has to reveal why Charles is acting up. Thus, Charles, the “train wreck,” is on display for everyone to “marvel” at.

Is it a trending feat or a single case Is it dignity if it gets misplaced Am I justified in adopting casual tones

Charles, after the first Trial, formally becomes friends with Whit, as well as generally leaning towards being friendlier with the group. Thus, while “adopting casual tones,” AKA being friendly, might be a “single case” (just Whit) or a trending feat (befriending everyone). Previously, not befriending people and acting above them was part of how Charles displayed his dignity, but after the first Trial (in his eyes) stripped him of that dignity, he has to reposition himself.

Well pinkies up, 'cause it's in good taste And if you can't throw down then you know your place There's a hundred different ways that this could go

After the first Trial, Charles has to confront the fact that he isn’t reliable. Thus, these lyrics to me best fit him giving Teruko the secret motive he received (Eden’s). He “knows his place,” realizing that he could easily be incapacitated again, so he does what he can. He plans for contingencies.

And I am still quite functional when I am prone

This line switch up fits the second Trial well. Charles can’t investigate fully or contribute in the way he’d like, given that he can’t actually enter the Playground or look at Arei’s body, but he can still be a major benefit to the students in the Trial. He can find evidence elsewhere and be a logical ally for Teruko. He even got to cut in to help her in the last moment before the hiatus. 

Obviously, I can’t really apply the lyrics chronologically beyond this point, but I can still point out the things that make sense.

Hitting bottom's so much better when you're stoned

I can’t deny the weed allegations on this one, but if you just replace stoned with gay with friends it makes sense. “Hitting bottom’s so much better when you’re surrounded by a support system.” That kind of thing.

Most of the rest of it is just the chorus, which is pretty easy to see the connection. I mean… the Ultimate Chemist definitely gets chemical. Not in the weed way. And the “upright to vertigo” is sort of reminiscent of Charles’ reaction to his phobia.

Anyways, this is the end of my essay. Get Chemical is a Charles song I promise!!!

Tokyo Teddy Bear by Neru: Arturo Giles

CW: Suicide for this section!!

V: Okay, I’m going to preface this one by saying Arturo was a hard slot for Accirax and I to fill on the playlist. We don’t have any songs that really boil down to “you’re ugly,” so that element of Arturo’s character is out. That means that our best bet was anything that vaguely related to philosophies of fashion/aesthetic, as well as trying to interpret Arturo’s trauma/mental state. That second part is hard, because while we do know his secret– “Your younger sister killed herself because of you. You never should have left.”-- we don’t really know the details or how he reacts to it, other than “badly.” So, take everything here with a grain of salt.

The connection to aesthetics isn’t super strong, but it’s definitely there to be seen. 

I crush the heels of my unfashionable shoes

I’ll find some tougher scissors And cut out my face

With the theming of a teddy bear, there’s even references to cutting/replacing physical features of a living being, which ties into Arturo being the Ultimate Plastic Surgeon. Additionally, this often pairs with parts being “replaced.”

I’ll make a ridiculously sized pattern for it Anything will do, as long as it serves as a replacement

Please fill in the gaps in my seams

This, again, can relate to plastic surgery. It’s inherently something where you take a physical feature and alter it in order to get a “better” result, which means that you’re replacing the previous feature with a new one. It’s a bit of an angsty description of plastic surgery for Arturo, but it makes enough sense.

However, the lyrics pertaining to family and home are what sell this song for me. While we don’t know a lot about Arturo’s situation, we do know that he “never should have left,” meaning he did leave to some extent. He also clearly feels guilty for his sister Felicity’s death. 

I personally theorize that they likely had harsh parents, so while Arturo was able to use his promising career and older age to escape, Felicity had to endure the toxic environment on her own, which eventually led to her death. Thus, it would be understandable that Arturo would want to leave, but would still feel awful about the end result. Either way, though, I think the lyrics can definitely connect.

Mom, Dad, I’m sorry for everything

Brother, Sister, I’ll see you later

Goodbye, everyone; teacher, take care

Arturo is sorry for the situation, but he still leaves. It seems like there’s a specific point in Arturo’s life that would change pretty drastically when “leaving,” so it makes sense if it’s something treated with a lot of drama and severity.

Then there’s this part of the song:

There’s nothing left, nothing left anymore: it’s all torn off Even my cells seem to disappear into this sea of lint That’s right, I’m gone, gone, thrown away I don’t even have a home to go back to

This would read to me as a reaction to Felicity’s death. There’s nothing left of the home he cares about, meaning he’s officially on his own. It’s also a lot of emotional turmoil he’s struggling with, obviously.

I want to complete it, I want to cheat, give me the answer I can’t change? Do I want to be kept like a pet? Is it all gone? This isn’t me! The seams have split and torn apart

This part reads to me as some sort of big reaction to something in-story. It could just be the secret reveal; he wanted to “cheat” by threatening Eden into silence and claiming not to have a sister, but he learns that he can’t “change,” or otherwise escape from his past. How the ending of this song will be interpretable is going to change heavily with where he goes after this reveal, whether it be being the Trial 2 killer (and likely explaining his logic more in the post trial) or continuing to move forward into at least one more daily life.

That’s pretty much all of the analysis for the song, but I’m going to just quickly talk about some aside theories for Arturo!

CW: Body dysmorphia for this section!!

Anyways, while looking at the lyrics of this song, I started wondering how Arturo’s views on beauty and being the Ultimate Plastic Surgeon might’ve tied into his past/Felicity. Arturo clearly developed very strong views on what was beautiful/ugly somewhere along the way, and it wouldn’t be at all surprising if Felicity held some of these views as well.

I think it’s possible Arturo may have attempted plastic surgery on Felicity if she had some sort of body dysmorphia. A lot of people with body dysmorphia try to use plastic surgery to ease their negative thoughts, but it doesn’t usually work, because the issue isn’t their actual appearance, it’s their misperception of their appearance and how it impacts how they believe others see them. Body dysmorphia is also a condition which has a high suicide rate (some studies say 25%+ of people with Body Dysmorphic Disorder have attempted suicide), so that could definitely be part of Felicity’s struggles.

This is also much less specific, but do you think Arturo has ever had plastic surgery or tried it on himself? I kinda just assumed his mask was part of the surgeon aesthetic, but it’s true that we don’t super know what’s under it, right?

Anyways, ramble over! Onto the next song!

CW: Suicide and body dysmorphia over!!

Punching Bag by Set it Off: Ace Markey

A: And here we have our first Set it Off song! Venus and I listen to a lot of Set it Off music, so it was hard to cut down to just two when we wanted to do a couple more. Rest assured that the two we went with are going to be fitting.

(V: They are my top artist on Spotify ever :D

Also side note, we also like Full Moon by Rare Americans as an Ace song on vibes. The lyrics are less fitting, but like… the Vibes are there)

A: I think the scene that most closely parallels the lines of Punching Bag is the one in Chapter 2 Episode 4, where Veronika intervenes in Ace and Nico’s fighting. To quote Ace, “Is that what everyone really thinks about me? And it’s fine that you drill it into my head over and over again, because you think I’ll forget about it in 5 minutes like you do? … You think I act like this for fun, and then I go to bed and sleep soundly at night, you dumb piece of shit?”

I'm up all night when you think I'm sleeping People pleasing's never good for your health

I’m sure you can see what I’m getting at here.

V: There’s also the fun part with the “up all night when you think I’m sleeping” that Ace (I’m pretty sure) goes to the Gym and stuff while other people are asleep! Plus, there’s him overhearing the David/Arei conversation. So, in a lot of ways, Ace actually kinda is up all night when other people might think he’s sleeping.

A: People not taking Ace, his emotions and his struggles, seriously is one of the things that infuriates Ace the most. 

Punching bag Just another pot calling the kettle black Take it out on someone who won't hit you back 'Til we're all as broken as you

Based on what others have told him, he knows that they think he’s a fragile coward whose bark is worse than his bite. How dare they insult him when they’re just as fucked up as he is, if not more?!

So say goodbye to your Mr. Nice Guy You got your wish, he's rotting in Hell

Even though we are aware that he wasn’t really a nice guy before, this scene (and the one investigating the Gym with Levi) is reflective of Ace’s Chapter 2 declaration that he’s in it only for himself. He’ll be a terrible person if it’s the only thing that’ll defend him from everyone else’s onslaught of attacks.

And, on top of all that, there are a bunch of lyrics that seem to reference damage inflicted on the singer by some kind of string.

Hanging on by the strings that you're pullin' (So you) cut me down just to push me around

And hope I'd tie a rope 'round my throat 'Til I start to choke

Don’t worry Ace, I’m sure this will never come back to bite you. Play-bite you, even.

So go fuck yourself

Well, that’s not very nice :(

Grave Dancing by David Bays: Veronika Grebenshchikova

CW: Self harm and suicidal ideation for this section!!

A: This song kinda tracks Veronika’s experiences with boredom, and how experiencing the terrors of the world that make most people cower makes her cackle. We begin with Veronika’s backstory, detailing how she felt before the killing game began. Now, this is based on speculation, but the idea that Veronika has the secret, “you only took on your talent to distract yourself from your incessant need to harm yourself for fun” is generally a pretty popular one. If she really was injuring herself just to feel something, we can assume that she was in a pretty bad mental state.

I stared into nothing completely entranced A spectacle vortex of mesmeric dance Millions of voices invite me to jump Into the pool of the opiate pump

Veronika was lost to her own desires, only focusing on what was fun (the “mesmeric dance”) even when it was putting her in danger (“inviting [her] to jump,” presumably off a high place). However, once Veronika finds horror, she finds that you can’t spell funeral without fun.

I’m dancing on my grave As my pleasure turns to pain I waste my days In this haze The more I satisfy myself the emptier I am

When most people would be sobbing at a gravesite, Veronika thinks to dance. When Veronika is experiencing pleasure, it’s at the hand of pain, whether hers or someone else’s. Even when she succumbs to her desires to live her life for the sole pursuit of fun, she’ll always be chasing a high that doesn’t exist. 

The fleeting euphoria begs me for more

Or, well– not without a killing game, anyways. The “round robin race” and “endless buffet” mentioned in the lyrics could both refer to the killing game, and “a wishful need to want to leave” would be more of a commentary on how people like Xander and Eden keep making plans to end the killing game. It’s her typical psychoanalysis stuff.

Do you remember how to be I don’t And you’re all stuck here with me As we throw away our time On momentary lives

Veronika seems to know that she’s abnormal (although she frequently forgets it in the moment), and even relishes in it in the presence of people like Arturo or David. Even if she doesn’t remember how “to be” (a normal person), everyone is stuck with her in the killing game, where her opinion holds the most power. The concept of “throwing away our time on momentary lives” sounds like the kind of thing she would say to get under someone’s skin– pointing out how fragile everyone’s life is in order to try to incite murder. Overall, the song just reminds me a lot of how Veronika speaks and thinks.

Entertained forever till we… DIE

Like… Yeah, that’s Veronika alright. You get it, I hope.

CW: Self harm and suicidal ideation over!!

Hallelujah by Hunter Oliveri: David Chiem

A: Did you know that David… is in a poor mental state?

Everybody is dumb I'm feeling numb Hallelujah

While exactly how much David’s “real personality” mirrors what he’s shown us in 2-11 is still up for debate, that infamous episode certainly showed us that there’s something off with how David views himself and the world. Namely, he’s a pretty pessimistic guy who seems pretty cavalier about throwing at the very least his own life away (given that the person who receives votes WILL die, either in a correct blackened vote or an incorrect spotless vote). If you assume that David is not actually the blackened in Arei’s murder, you can also get this line to factor in:

Everyone's got a gun Let's kill everyone

If the other students use their “guns”– their votes– to kill David, everyone will die. That’s a plan he’s completely fine with… Or, at least, he’s acting like it is. You could also link this line to Xander and his fake gun. Obviously, Xander didn’t actually use his fake gun in his attempt to kill Teruko, but it’s still an acknowledgment of how Xander was a participant given a gun like everyone else, and how he did decide that murder was his best course of action. Betrayals like that are likely part of what gave David this attitude in the first place.

In his breakdown, David also shows his perverse desire to call out the other students for their naive idiotic beliefs in trust and the goodness in humanity. So, you know. Everyone (in the Class Trial) is dumb (for believing in all of the inspirational bs David spews), (David is) feeling numb (to his own survival, as well as potentially still being in shock regarding the state of his career)-- Hallelujah. In the Hunter Oliveri version, the call to Praise The Lord is certainly meant to be sarcastic, and David means the same. In the way that “the Lord” can also imply fate/morality or a powerful establishment, David can be telling those things to fuck off too with his “Hallelujah.”

All of this is probably clear enough. However, what makes me like THIS smugly apathetic song over potential others are the frequent references to telling people how to do things and success. Let’s start with telling people how to do things.

It all means nothing I'll tell ya something They'll sell ya something, yow

Now I can't do a damn thing. And I'll take you out your misery And now I can't move a damn thing And I'll take you out your misery

Although the singer is feeling numb and therefore shouldn’t care about their audience, the song is still clearly framed as the singer giving their advice on how to best approach life. “Telling you something,” AKA the wisdom David dispenses in his inspirational speeches, is the exact same thing as “selling you something.” David knows that he profits off of exploiting others’ hopes, and he hates himself for it. Because he believes that people can’t ever change, he “can’t do/move a damn thing,” but will still “take you out your misery.” On the surface, people think that David is taking them out of their misery to move them to somewhere happier. But the way David sees it, he might as well just take them out of their misery by killing them, because life for the corrupt and unmotivated is pointless.

On that happy note, let’s talk about success.

I Gotta buy a big house Driveway full of cars trophy wife on the shelf

Here's what I'm all about Spending big money on a ticket to hell You've probably seen me around I'm like the Walmart in your hometown

I can’t remember if it’s ever been officially confirmed by the story, but I would not be at all surprised if David was the most independently financially successful Ultimate in this killing game. Like, obviously if J got along with her mom, she would have access to way more money and fame than David would. But, given that J tries to hide her identity, David is the only character who seems to be particularly recognized by anyone else (Xander) at the start of the killing game. Calling him “the Walmart in your hometown” is kind of a funny way to get that point across, but if you say that David is calling himself that’s incredibly well-known but also not that particularly special/well-regarded, I think it fits.

David has been able to ride his career as an inspirational speaker to immense success, but he feels very empty about it. Because he doesn’t believe in what he’s saying (and in Arei’s case, may even believe that the things he said actually kill people), he knows that the “big money” he’s earning will come back to ruin him in the end. His actions before and after his big reveal are what will send himself (and those he’s affected) straight to hell. The worst part is that he doesn’t even have any particular ambition about how to use his success. He knows what successful people act like– displays of wealth, happy relationships– but he doesn’t actually know how to achieve them. He doesn’t even like expensive things. So, what’s the point?

David’s got a lot of opinions about how people should feel about their brief lives on this miserable  “third rock from the sun,” and I think Hallelujah represents them pretty well. Just… don’t ask me about the lyric four lines down from that one. I have no explanation for it. We’re ignoring it. Moving on.

Egoist by Onuma Paseri: Min Jeung

V: It took us a while to pinpoint what exactly we wanted to pick as Min’s song. We strongly considered the obvious but fitting Lost One’s Weeping, but in the end, we decided to bring something new to the table instead. That song is Egoist!

A: (This is because we wanted to avoid putting in songs that other people had already brought up themselves, to make the guessing game fun for Min. I applaud everyone’s efforts in coming up with so many great songs for Min, but goddamnit did you have to come up with SO MANY great songs for Min??? /j)

V: Egoist is an interesting song for Min, because a fair amount of the lyrics actually focus on not wanting to be in school.

I usually spend my days falling ill. Let me withdraw from school, professor!

Let me go home early, professor!

However, I think this makes sense given that, in Min’s bonus episode, we see her starting to have more doubt surrounding her school career. She begins to realize she’s become extremely focused on school to the detriment of everything else. To me, that’s what these kind of lyrics actually relate to in a Min context.

I want to talk about something life-related. Won’t you listen to me, professor?

I understand that patience is important in life.  Won’t you realize it, professor?

Min has started to realize that not only school matters, but the people and the environment she’s surrounded by encourage her to continue focusing on academics entirely. She wants to have patience in life and explore other possibilities, but she finds it difficult to actually broach the subject with anyone.

You, dyed orange,  Will melt into darkness before long. Though time passes, my anguish will not disappear. I spend an eerie night together with you.

This set of lines is much more plot-oriented. Though you could try to spin these to be about Mai, I think it’s easiest to make this song largely about the night that Min kills Xander. Xander, dyed orange, “melts into darkness” (dies via electrocution). Min’s anguish can’t just disappear, because the Class Trial exists– it has to result in more death. I think you could call the whole thing overall an eerie night.

Get sentimental, and it’s goodbye. Go quicker and further away than anyone else!

Min “becomes sentimental” when she wants to save Teruko from Xander. However, because this results in both Xander and Min’s deaths, her sentimentality means “goodbye” for her.

Becoming impulsive is the right move. Cross through the night, more than anyone else! There’s no going back from here. After all, there’s no consequences.

This relates to Min trying to win the Trial. The right move is to become impulsive– she has to act quickly when she sees Xander or he’ll simply kill her too– and after that, she has to “cross through the night” more than the students she’s trying to deceive. She has to be the absolute best to clear the Trial and escape to the outside world. There’s no going back from here.

The “no consequences” thing is a little weird considering there very much are consequences for her actions, but I could see that potentially relating to her mindset of fixing “mistakes.” Killing Xander doesn’t have to be a mistake, as long as she does succeed more than anyone else. There are only consequences if she fails to correct her mistakes in time. Unfortunately for Min, that’s exactly what happens.

…Actually, I take back what I said earlier about some of the lines being potentially applicable to Mai. THESE lines relate to Mai:

You had entered my heart, and your smile Will melt into darkness before long. Though time passes, my memories will not disappear.

Problem solved! Min gets to reference Xander, Teruko and Mai!

A: I also tried to pitch Hungry People by the Happy Fits as Min’s song; but Venus didn’t really get it, so we went with this (which I think she did a great job explaining!). However, if anyone wants to hear me ramble about the commercialization of Hope’s Peak and the Ultimate Student as a talent through the context of Versace, Versace, Versace or Klein, hit me up.

Always Tired by Weathers: Rose Lacroix

A: This song doesn’t have a ton of lyrics, but the ones it does have fit Rose pretty well. The most obvious connection is just due to the fact that Rose is, believe it or not, always tired.

I'm always tired, I just can't fight it I'm always picking up my body, oh

Whether as a result of her hard work, an attempt to run away from her depressing day-to-day life, or straight up narcolepsy I don’t know, but the fact remains that one of Rose’s most apparent character traits is her tendency to fall asleep at a moment’s notice. And, despite the dangerous killing game situation, she doesn’t make any attempts to try to keep herself awake, like drinking a ton of coffee or whatever. She doesn’t really have the drive in her to try much of anything after being chained to the Spurling Foundation for life. Instead of making art based on her own creative drive, she has to execute whatever the Spurlings tell her to. She has to force herself to do things, mentally picking up her body instead of just letting it carry itself forward.

There’s also the matter of Rose’s nightmares, the combination of her photographic memory and the troubles she’s faced. The song is a lot about sleeping, but also a lot about seeing.

A quarter to three, still rolling in bed A party for me with demons in my head Do you ever know how eyes lie? Do you ever see how I'm-

Even when Rose does try to sleep, she can’t avoid her photographic memory filling her mind with nightmares that feel incredibly real. Xander’s dead body, Min’s crying face, and Teruko’s haunting glare could all seem pretty demonic under the right circumstances.

The song’s continuous repetition of the chorus also speaks to how bland Rose finds her life now. It’s just a cycle of unfulfilling days doing the same thing with the same tired energy following her around. Unfortunately, that’s just her habit.

Evolutional by Big Data: J Rosales

V: This song largely centers around J’s relationship with her mother, Mariabella Rosales, and how J wants to make her own future rather than the one her mother wanted for her. In that lens, a lot of the lyrics to this song are honestly pretty self-explanatory.

It's my future, not a mystery These games that you play, you're my history Not your possession, you don't own me Said it's all for the best, I disagree

J takes ownership of her own future, leaving her mother and the stardom she was born into in the past. She’s not just her mother’s child; she’s her own person, too.

Ooh, boy, what you gonna say when I walk away? (Got a mind to eliminate) Ooh, ooh, boy, what you gonna do when I'm not with you? (I'ma show you another view)

J would much rather walk away from the whole situation. I have no idea what Mariabella’s reaction was when J walked away, but I have to imagine she wasn’t happy about it. J would probably enjoy that fact.

Gonna make a change, gonna rearrange Improve myself, I don't want your help

Something I like about the lyrics to this song are that they focus on how J has taken ownership of her future rather than just rebelling against her past. Yeah, she changes from her past, but she does also “improve herself” in the sense that J has still found her way to an incredibly successful career, Ultimate-level worthy, through her own enjoyment of SFX. She doesn’t want her mother’s help to become famous, but she still thrives on her own terms.

Used to build me up, used to knock me down Thought you were so clever, who's laughing now? Are you listening? Do I have your attention? I'm telling you now, I'm your final invention

J, as we know her, currently seems to have gotten the upper hand against her mother, given that she HAS become unrecognizable to most people and got to live out her life in relative privacy. I’m sure her mother is aware of this, though, meaning that J is the one “laughing now.” And, of course, if Mariabella is feeling like an Endeavor kinnie, she might see J as her “final invention.” Ryan is younger, but still, J is the evolution of the Rosales bloodline.

Remember the Empire by House of Heroes: Xander Matthews

A: Remember the Empire is a pretty general song about rebellion, which means that it definitely fits Xander, but not necessarily with the same specificity as some other songs. However, there are still some good lines to talk about, so let’s get into it.

Stand, stand up! What choice have they given us?

Remember the empire, Tear the king from the throne!

While possibly not as medieval as House of Heroes intended it, the rebellion that Xander asks people to stand against is definitely about taking down a king. Or, more specifically, a Duke. I doubt that Duke is actually a king by divine right or anything like that, but if you say that he was the old money ruler of the town in which Xander lived, there’s hardly a difference when it comes to modern day. “Remember the empire” is about Xander remembering both his family and hometown in the ways he wishes they would have stayed, and “tear[ing] the king from the throne” will at least restore that kind of peace to other families and homes.

Fight for the life that our children should have, Fight for every freedom that we never had, There's no turning back all the bridges are burned, Our peace must be earned, so

Again, Xander is focusing on children because he was a child when the river in his town was poisoned. Speaking of rivers, sometimes they have bridges over them…? But also, “burning bridges” just means ruining your relationship with someone, which Duke Spurling definitely did.

While I would say that the majority of this song is more about Xander’s backstory than his (brief) time in the killing game, there are still a couple of lyrics that I think speak more to that time period than his past.

Here they threaten with murder and bribe us with peace. Here they treat us like slaves and convince us we're free.

MonoTV sure did threaten them with murder! And bribe them with peace, too: given that Xander attempted to kill Teruko before the motive videos were actually given out, the main motive for the majority of the students was the temptation of going back to their peaceful, everyday lives.

“Treat[ing them] like slaves and convinc[ing them they’re] free” is a bit of a stretch, but who says I’m not flexible? MonoTV and the killing game establishment want the participants to believe that every decision they make is on their own terms– if a student chooses to become a killer, it’s about the despair secretly hidden inside of them, and not the external pressure of being put in a month-long life or death situation. But, the students are still “slaves” to both the headmaster, the structure of the killing game, and, in Despair Time’s case, the entertainment industry.

We wrote it down in blood, in blood. We gave our lives for love, for love.

Also, while Xander didn’t actually write out an accusatory dying message in blood, the blood around his neck and on his fingers were relevant to the case. He is also (probably) related to the blood falling on the pieces of paper in DRDT’s opening scene, and certainly the recipient of the “kill Teruko Tawaki” note, which was written down to call for Teruko’s blood.

Similarly, while the direct reasoning behind why Xander decided to kill Teruko is yet unknown, it really feels to me like it would be “for love” of something. Love of the rest of his classmates? Love of Mai? Love of the world? Whatever the case is, he gave his life for it. Remember the Xander– tear the song from the list!

SAD (Clap Your Hands) by Young Rising Sons: Whit Young

A: There is precisely one section of the lyrics that made me believe that this song was for Whit.

I've still got memories to repress But I still hear my mama saying If you're sad and you know it And you don't want to show it Clap your hands If you’re sad, that's okay You can clap it all away Just clap your hands

This part screams Whit so hard to me. Whit represses his emotions and memories about his home so that he can pretend that everything is fine. Whit’s mom is very important to him, and is more likely than not dead, such that anything she says would have to be in a memory. Much like how “bitter things should go down the drain,” Whit always chooses not to show his sadness, deciding instead to play things off as jokes.

Erase any unease you have with these two simple steps! Step 1: Clap! Step 2: Profit.

So, anyways, that’s clearly the best part of the song. What about the other parts? Well, they are probably making Whit into a bit angstier of a character than he actually is. Probably. (V: Yet. He will have angst. We can all feel it.) Compared to people like Xander or Min who have their own bonus episodes, or even people like Arei or Rose whose backstories have been explored a bit more in canon, we don’t actually know that much about Whit’s past. And, yes, I know that we literally got an entire scene almost entirely focused on Whit’s backstory. The problem is, given that he likely has a history of… omitting information, one could say, we don’t know how much of what he’s said about his past is true, and how much might be reframing things in a more positive light.

Still stuck in bed Try to remember how Unscrew my head That's too left brain right now

[...T]hey say that if I try That I could maybe be someone But I'm scared because I know deep down That day may never come

Shut up and be happy It's all in your head Grow up and be happy 'cause it ain't that bad That's what my doctor said

Like, all of this could be true about Whit, I dunno. Or it could be false. To try to end this on a smart note, I’ll try to explain each of these sections as best I can.

Whit is probably a more right-brained person, to the extent that that model means anything, because of his strong intuition and innate understanding of how others are thinking and feeling. The left brain helps you with sequencing and facts, two things which Whit probably tends to ignore.

There’s definitely an argument to be made that Whit doesn’t see himself as a particularly talented matchmaker, despite being an Ultimate. When Charles asks him to break up the fights between J and Arturo, Nico and Ace, and Arei and MonoTV, Whit deflects, saying that he’s only a matchmaker, not a relationship counselor. (Charles points out that he didn’t bring up anything about matchmaking at all, which implies that Whit may frequently feel out of his depth when asked to do things as a matchmaker and is used to coming up with excuses.) Whit’s sales pitch for himself as a matchmaker in the prologue is basically a joke, too. And then, there are the details thus far only brought up in his character profile: he dislikes Valentine’s Day, and has never been able to succeed in finding a relationship for himself. That failure to matchmake the perfect partner for himself (assuming he’s interested in that kind of thing, but he does say he likes boys and girls and was confirmed as bisexual in a Q&A) may make him insecure in his skills, and thus in his future as an Ultimate.

Of course, his bio also says that “if you get the Ultimate Matchmaker to find you a romantic partner, you’re guaranteed to have a happy and stable relationship for life,” so do with that what you will.

And finally, Whit did ask other students about their prescriptions, and seems to have some familiarity with mental health issues, given how he was able to help Charles. I mean, any good doctor would not actually say “grow up and be happy ‘cause it ain’t that bad” to someone struggling with their mental health, but my point is that the lyrics could have some extra meaning for Whit if he did see a doctor for whatever in the past.

Look, like I said at the top, there is precisely one section of the lyrics of this song that made me think it worked for Whit. The rest of the song does not make as much sense, but the guy was hard to pin down. And, hey, it’s not our fault that Good Grief was already taken–

Killer in the Mirror by Set it Off: Teruko Tawaki

V: This song is such a #TerukoSweep. We were looking at songs and this was one of the first ones we locked in. It very clearly shows her shift after Chapter 1 to being more distrusting of everyone else, after both Xander and Min betray her.

Look out, they're closing in on you now Wake up, or you'll wake up six feet down Nobody's got your back in this town Knock 'em in the teeth now

Teruko quite literally has to wake up or wake up six feet down after Xander stabs her, considering she’s unconscious for a long time. After that, she fully believes she can’t rely on anyone, so she becomes much more aggressive to the people around her, pushing them away.

Out here, there's no negotiation No room to start a conversation Before you get a taste, it's taken Never let your guard down

This relates to how she doesn’t even want to talk to anyone after the Trial. She can’t ever let her guard down; that’s a large part of why she refuses Eden’s attention in particular. She can’t negotiate or start a conversation, because that, in itself, is letting her guard down– it’s opening herself up to friendship, which she no longer trusts.

Get back, put your hands up, kinda messed up, but it's tough luck

Tough luck you say? …Anyways.

And I'm sorry, but I don't feel bad for you 'Cause I know if you could switch this You'd be dishing out the same shit Saying sorry, but I don't feel bad

Teruko seems to hold the view that anyone could betray her at any time, and thus, they should all be considered enemies. She can’t feel bad for any of them, because they could all do the same to her.

Now I know there's no one I can trust I used to think there was Tell me that I'm cutthroat I think you got your eyes closed

This is the same kind of thing. She can’t trust anyone, even when she used to think she could, because Xander and Min’s betrayals proved that not even those closest to her could be trusted. People say that Teruko is cutthroat for turning her back on everyone, but to Teruko, they don’t see the facts. She’s not being cutthroat, she’s being cautious. 

Feel the fear and swallow back the tears Let weakness disappear

This relates to Teruko cutting out her friends because they’re weaknesses, etc. etc.

There's nobody but me here The killer in the mirror

This is actually one of the harder lines to justify in my opinion, because Teruko hasn’t actually killed anyone. …That we know of.

I’m kinda just banking on Teruko’s likely secret of “How could I even select what secret to be your motive? Just about everything you’ve done in your life is worth killing for. The killing game is all your fault” in addition to any inflicting-bad-luck-on-other-people-like-with-Min type situations being enough to justify calling Teruko a killer, at least in a hypothetical sense. If she really is responsible for the killing game (questionable) then she’d sort of have killed Xander, Min and Arei at this point.

The other verses’ lyrics definitely fit too, but it’s really just a lot of repeating Teruko’s philosophy. She doesn’t trust anyone for her own safety, she can’t have friends anymore, all that deal. Classic Teruko.

Conclusion

V: Thanks for getting all the way through this post! This thing ended up WAY longer than we meant it to. Still, I guess it makes sense, given that we tried to pick songs we thought had strong lyrical basis for the characters. Hopefully you enjoyed, coming from me and Accirax :)

A: Yippee, essays over! Thank you for reading. Now go listen to our immaculate taste in music some more (/lh /nf). And the original playlist, too! We could all use a little more DRDT brain rot in our lives.

[sludge-saturday]

guidance

pairing: connor rk800 x gn!reader

summary: fresh out of the revolution, connor is still adjusting to his deviancy. his very existence has given the word "life" an entirely new meaning, and he is experiencing some inner turmoil surrounding his true purpose now that he has free will. will you help him navigate these complex feelings?

tags: comfort, fluff, upset connor

warnings: none!

word count: 1,483

a/n: HUGE THANK YOU to @thiriumstains for submitting this request!! for the purposes of this fic, deviated androids can cry when their systems are overloaded with information, and mimic human-like sleep behaviors when going into sleep mode! i hope you enjoy :]

☆ as your keys jingled in the door handle, you could hear the vigilant barks of your golden retriever and hear the sound of his paws trotting up to the doorway. connor, with similar dog-like reflexes, started getting up from his place on the couch as soon as he heard the clamor from the entrance to your shared apartment. opening the door you excitedly greeted your furry friend as he jumped on you, licking your face in appreciative excitement.

☆ "y/n, welcome home!" connor said. eager to assist, he takes some of the bags out of your arms and sets them on the table. like the gentleman he is, he helps you out of your jacket and hangs it on the hook next to the doorframe. you turn around to look at him, feeling refreshed just by the sight of him after a long day away. and, just by looking into connor's eyes, you can tell he feels similarly. with this shared glance of cherishment, your bodies are like magnets with the way they move toward each other for an embrace.

☆ "i've missed you so much." connor sighs, resting his head on your shoulder. his grip on you was strong, as if he was finally finding solace after running from something stronger than him. your bodies lingered in their positions for a moment before you both pulled away, connor's hands squeezing your arms before dropping to his sides. you studied his face unconsciously and realized that something looked amiss about the way he looked. his cheeks were glistening and his eyes looked glossier than normal. "connor," you started cautiously, afraid of upsetting him. "are you feeling alright?"

☆ connor's eyes widened slightly, a micro-expression that most wouldn't notice, and he straightened his posture. he felt as though he had been caught doing what he wasn't supposed to. the truth is, he didn't know what was happening to him. he has only been deviated for a few weeks, and this was the first time since then that he's felt so... overwhelmed. but he couldn't tell you, the thought of doing so only amplified the sensation. trying his best to maintain his usual calm and collected appearance, connor unknowingly gave you a sad smile. "all of my systems are perfectly functional," he lied. "what makes you say that?"

☆ looking into connor's eyes as he tilted his head to the side, you saw more than he was letting on. his gaze looked pained, specifically the kind of pain that you feel you must hide for the sake of others. neither of you knew what deviance would hold for connor, but you were determined to help him through everything. "i don't mean to pry, but you look upset. don't feel obligated to tell me anything you don't want to, but i want you to know that i'm here for you." you smiled gently at him to punctuate your message.

☆ shame continued to bubble within connor, steadfast and and committed. he didn't want you to see him like this, but, deep down, he knew he couldn't keep this at bay any longer. all it took was one blink for tears to drip down his cheeks once more, and your heart clenched at the sight. connor's hand flew up to wipe his face, embarrassed that he couldn't control what was happening to him. actually, it was quite frightening for him.

☆ "i'm sorry, i-" he whispered, eyes cast downward. the tone of voice in which he spoke revealed just how out of control he felt. "i don't know what's happening. my optical units- my eyes- they don't need additional lubricant." it was concerning, to say the least, watching the usually composed android unravel like this. you reached out and pulled him close to you, making a silent promise to yourself that you were going to take care of him. "what's wrong, connor?" you knew that you were gonna have to coax him through this, that he needed guidance through this uncharted territory.

☆ "i don't have a mission," he spoke, just above a whisper. taking his frame in your hands you turned him to face you, his face was perturbed and his eyes still lowered. "what?" you softly urged. his teary eyes met yours with a look of disbelief. "...i don't have a mission. what am i supposed to do without a purpose to fulfill? without a goal to meet?" connor's voice shakes. "my entire existence has been ruled by objectives. i was activated to serve as a tool for humans to use, and i was okay with that. but now... now-" he covered his face with his hands, leaning forward as a heavy sob shook his body.

☆ your hand instinctively reached to rub his back as he wept, your touch letting him know that he didn't have to go through this alone. he wasn't used to this: to not having feelings, to people wanting to know how he's feeling in the first place, it was all too much. he's never experienced this kind of input running through his circuitry before. "do you want to talk about this?" you said, continuing to rub his back. he lifted his head back up to eye level, looking so, so broken.

☆ he didn't want to, he couldn't admit that he needed help. all he'd known was how to be the help others needed. how was he supposed to accept it for himself? connor stayed silent, staring at the ground as more tears rolled down his cheeks. in an act of immense courage, connor nodded, and that was all of the confirmation you needed to try and lead him into the right direction. "the truth is, us humans, we don't know what we're doing either. we may seem like we already know what our futures have in store for us, but some of us, not all of us, know deep down that tomorrow is never promised."

☆ connor sat and listened. he didn't interject, become distracted, or avert his gaze as you spoke. "it's more than okay to not know what your destination is yet, what's most important is that the journey is savored. part of having human-like qualities is to doubt, to question, and to be unsure." you paused, getting up from the couch to move toward your shared bedroom. you reached out your hand to him, knowing how much he's valued physical touch since he deviated.

☆ "and don't forget, you still have duties you can fulfill at the precinct. no one's gonna take that away from you." you said, walking the two of you through the doorframe. "but you also don't have to be tied to that place anymore if you don't want to. its your decision, in the end." you moved to your dresser and rifled through the drawers for pajamas to wear. connor did the same, itching to get into more comfortable clothes. you both faced away from each other as you changed, but the conversation did not cease.

☆ "it will take a lot of getting used to, this freedom. i'm not doubting that. but i want you to know that i'm gonna be here for you the whole time." you finished changing and moved towards the bed. "even if you think you have no one, you'll have me. got it?" you affirmed, peeling the blankets back. nestling inside, you patted the spot next to you on the bed. "come," you beckoned. "i'm sure you're exhausted." connor walked over, still silent, and slid underneath the covers.

☆ you smoothed a hand over his hair as you two laid side by side, facing each other. "the beautiful thing about this is," a yawn overtakes your sentence. "you are now the director of your own destiny. no one gets to tell you what to do anymore. its up to you to decide what you want your mission to be." your eyelids grew heavy as your hand slid down to rest on his side protectively. "this is your life, connor. you have the power to choose how it unfolds for yourself."

☆ your eyes fluttered, fighting the creeping, persistent grasp of slumber. connor noted this, and, with the same small voice he spoke in before, he whispered: "thank you. i... need time to process... and reflect... but..." he paused again. "thank you." connor shifted his eyes from looking down at the mattress to meeting yours, but yours were already closed. aching to join you and to finally release this burden for the time being, he began the process of entering sleep mode.

☆ taking in his last moments of wakefulness, he couldn't help but wonder: did you hear him? his eyes were closed, but he felt the mattress shift as your dog jumped on the bed to snuggle between you two. as he laid there, counting down the seconds to sleep, he swore he could have heard the ghost of a voice float through his auditory processor. "always." it said.

[lunarfleur]

Earth 42! Miles Morales with Autistic s/o hcs!

Tagging: @juneberrie @sluggmuffin @nagi3seastorm @hiyaitssans @enchanting-violet @luvjunie @milesmolasses

A/N: I did this for my own enjoyment, okay? This is based on my own personal experiences with autism, but I tried to keep it as friendly as possible! Not everyone’s the same, you know?

This is x gender neutral reader!

I’m gonna start this out by talking about how easy it is to feel comfortable in Miles’s bedroom.

He always has his normal lights turned off and LED lights turned on because it’s more comfortable for him

So he’d let you adjust them to how you like it.

He likes lighting candles so it always smells good in there

It’s always clean so there’s no mess to overwhelm you (just bc sometimes messes overwhelm me)

And he has a small space heater so it’s pretty easy to get the room to the right temperature.

It’s quiet in there and his bed is so warm and so cozy

Would recommend.

There’s no need to mask with him. I mean it. He wants you to be comfortable with him and open about yourself.

He won’t judge you.

With your permission, he did tell him mom before you met her

In case things got overwhelming, or something just didn’t go right, he wanted to make sure she understood. (She did.)

Miles was already the kind of boyfriend who has notes in his phone dedicated to information about you

So he has one with any and all of your sensory issues typed out

He had them memorized, but it was just in case.

If you need them, he always has a pair of noise canceling headphones in his backpack for you (he’s one of those kids who carries his backpack everywhere).

Please please please let him listen to you talk about your special interests and hyperfixations!

Bros invested

It’s his favorite thing, listening to the people he loves talk about the things they love

Shows, books, movies…

I know when I’m hyperfixating on a show or movie it’s the only thing I’ll watch (I’ve seen The Mighty Duck movies at least 25 times EACH) he will watch and rewatch them with you

He doesn’t get bored either. He likes getting to enjoy what you enjoy. It makes him feel closer to you

Would definitely subconsciously memorize any signals you may give off

If you have bad habits for when you’re overwhelmed (idk if this is an autism thing for me, but like when I’m overwhelmed I scratch my skin and bite my nails a lot) he’d calmly just like…stop it?

Like pulling your hand away and letting you fidget with his fingers or clothes

He’s a very patient guy, you know? And he loves you.

And he’s so good with meltdowns? Or panic/anxiety attacks. All of the above, basically.

He’s so quick to realize what’s happening and is even quicker to get you away from what’s making it worse (I.E: leaving the room/building to take you somewhere quiet, etc.)

He doesn’t complain or get upset about anything during a meltdown because he knows you can’t help it

Asks for permission before touching you, gives you as much time and space as you need

And is absolutely there for aftercare, too.

He knows it can be exhausting. He’s definitely extra careful with you after a meltdown because he doesn’t want to make anything worse

He keeps things at his house for you, too. Fidgets, comfort foods…bro keeps a weighted blanket on his bed just for you.

He does his research. You’re not going to find any gray areas in his brain

Now, he’s a pretty touchy, feely guy

He likes holding you and loving on you, having you close to him..

So I can see him getting disappointed when you let him know that you don’t want that

But he gets over it pretty quickly

He lets you do things at your own pace and is completely open to a compromise about this kind of stuff

And Miles isn’t afraid to ask you questions, either. But if you don’t have an answer, it’s okay.

If you’re overstimulated and/or going through sensory overload, he’s gonna do his best to get you what you need

He gets that, in times like that, communicating can be hard. That’s why it’s so good that’s he’s so patient. He keeps his voice gentle and his tone doesn’t change

He’s extra straightforward with you to avoid any miscommunication

Overall?

10/10. Would recommend.

[writing-whump]

Sensory Overload part 2

@bellysoupset I love your tags, wanted to write this one right away 🙈 part 2 of this fic

Arnie was glaring at the clock. It was almost midnight. Which wasn't unusual for Hector on a work day, but for a day off? He didn't message him to warn him - he didn't in fact even have his phone with him.

Arnie paused the movie, not being able to concentrate, biting at his fingernails. He hated moments like these when Hector was missing, but maybe not, and even if he was, Arnie would be able to do nothing about it.

Looking at his phone, even Arnie's messages to Isaiah stayed unread. If he called, would he pick up? Isaiah usually picked up if it was one of them even 3 o'clock in the morning...but was it worth bothering him for a suspicion?

Fortunately the door opened in that moment, Arnie's heart jumping with relief.

"Took you long enough. A run of 4 hours, rea- Hex?"

The door felt shut, followed by a loud thumbling noise of something heavy against the floor. Arnie shot up to his feet.

Hector was sprawled in their entry hall, the light switched off. Staring at the ceiling like he could see the starts through it?

"Are you hurt?" Arnie said in confusion, crouching down by his older brother's side.

"Nope. Everything's fine. More than fine." His speech was a little slurred and he had...an almost victorious smile on his face. Then his jaw flexed and he gulped down.

Arnie raised an eyebrow at him. "What are you doing? Are you drunk?"

"Noooope. No way. Don' do drunk..."

"And why are you still on the floor?" Arnie got up to flip the light on.

Hector growled at that like an injured bear, curling around his side.

Arnie quickly shut the light off again. "Okay, now you are scaring me."

That had Hector lifting himself up on one arm, the other unconsciously held against his stomach. "Got a bit dizzy, 's all. Light show...stupid lights and dots kept moving..." He swallowed heavily like something got stuck in his throat.

"Light show, eh?" Arnie sank down to his knees beside him, offering an arm. "Come on. Let's get you in bed then."

Hector looked a bit confused, like Arnie had more than one arm to offer and he couldn't decide which was the right one, before taking it. Arnie helped him up.

Hector immediately swayed, crashing against the wall for support.

"Are you sure it's just that? Weren't you hurt? Poisoned? Any silver?"

Hector shook his head, then groaned and pressed his fingers against his eyes. "I'm fine. Just got a bit worse on the stairs."

Together, they stumbled their way to Hector's bedroom at snail pace. Hector kept swinging at random times, missing the walls and the door.

Arnie let out a big sight of relief when he got him to sit down on the bed. "You. Don't move." He steadied Hector with hands on his shoulders until the wolf could hold his position.

Despite Hector panting and blinking his eyes too quickly between shutting them down, there was an air...of something happy about him. The grumbly offended frustration from earlier was gone, and there was a constant small smile tugging at Hector's lips.

Arnie squinted at him. Hector was by all means and purposes, not a smily person. Smiles from him were rare and served specific purposes.

This one wasn't the shark smile of winning a fight or the teasing downright ridiculing cruel smile for enemies. Or the arrogant grin he wore for meetings to be reassuring. Or the tender smile reserved for special occasions for Isaiah or the proud one for Arnie.

This smile, Arnie didn't know.

"Are you gonna tell me what happened or just keep grinning like an idiot all night?" Arnie said in annoyance.

"That was a very good run," Hector said. The smile took on a teasing edge, then morphed back almost a wistful dreamlike quality.

Arnie rolled his eyes. "Just awesome. For your information, you are totally talking like a drunk." He got to the task of undoing Hector's sneakers.

Somewhere at the second shoe, Hector stiffened suddenly, hanging his head.

Arnie froze as well. "What is it?"

Hector held up a finger, tilting his head to the side. His throat bobbed and Arnie could see from his position on the floor how his stomach muscles contracted under his tight black shirt.

"Are you gonna be sick?"

Hector shrugged like he wasn't sure, way too unconcerned in Arnie's opinion. His whole frame heaved and Arnie jumped back to not get puked on.

A loud wet burp came up.

Arnie sighed. "Jesus."

Hector let his hands sink, fingers curling into the sheets. "Still feeling a bit-" he gagged, shoulders hitching, but it was empty. "Pukey."

"You don't say," Arnie said dryly. "You think laying down will help or make it worse?"

"Wanna try," Hector said, blinking at Arnie like he couldn't do it himself.

What's gotten into him? Arnie complied though, pushing Hector's chest down onto the bed, then lifted his legs one after the other.

"Uhmmm...you are...uuurp...really good little brother, you know that?" Hector had that silly big smile on his face again, looking up the ceiling all wide-eyed and happy.

"Yeah, yeah." Arnie stood above him, hands on his hips, torn and undecided how worried he should be.

Hector frowned, a nausous grimace taking over, rolling through his face like a wave. He closed his mouth shut but his throat jostled with another gag, stomach spasming and letting go.

Arnie croched down at his side again. "Still doing that? So weird."

Hector rubbed at his stomach through his sweaty shirt. "Uhmmm....it's upset."

Arnie hunted down a the room's trashcan in response, ready on the ground next to Hector's head. "Right here, if you need it."

Hector's back rolled with another sickly gas bubble. He rubbed at his temples, pressing against them like he wanted to claw them out. "I can still see the fucking sun erupting in my head."

"Yep, that's annoying. No light shows for you, man."

Arnie got up, his legs falling asleep. He was getting tired from the worry and the relief.

Hector stirred without opening his eyes. "Stay?"

Arnie rubbed the back of his head. It was so rare for Hector to be so mushy. "Sure. Just let me brush my teeth."

A sleep wave was pulling him as he climbed up next to Hector on the bed. He had to navigate his way through the dark since Hector moaned pitifully at any light.

Hector immediately rolled closer, a heavy overheated arm around Arnie like he wanted to secure an anchor in the stormy sea.

"'s not scared of me," Hector murmured, half-asleep.

Arnie patted the hand on his waist with a sigh. Maybe he would be able to sleep better tonight.

[theycallmequeenie]

Charmed One X Gabriel Crossover

Master List

Part One

Part Two

Part Three

Part Four

Part Five

Part Six

Part Seven

Part Eight

Part Nine:

A/N: Hey all here is part Nine of the Supernatural Charmed Crossover fic, and this one may have some triggering content to some readers, so reader discretion is advised, Talk of unaliving oneself on purpose. As always if you have issues reading anything with trigger warnings but wish to stay up to date with the story please message and I’ll send you a quick summery of this part of the fic. Any Gifs used are not of my creation as I don’t know how. If you are the maker of any Gif I used and want me to add credit to the post just let me know and I’ll tag you as the creator/ owner of said gif. Happy Reading.

Gabriel wanted nothing more than to love on her and make her feel safe, but his efforts were going unanswered as he could feel Y/N putting her walls up and trying to shut him out of her mind as she did when she wasn’t dealing well with something that was bothering her. He knew all he could do was just be there for her and try to comfort her. 

He let out an unconscious sigh and kissed her forehead and gently held her to him. He hid his surprise at her allowing him to pull her closer to him because he honestly figured that she would pull away from his touch. He noticed her silently crying even though she was doing her best to conceal it. After burying his face in her hair, he allowed himself to do the same.

Neither of them had allowed themselves to just process the reality of the events of the day. Y/N had gone from alone in the word to having three sisters, a brother-in-law, two nephews, and a little one of her own on the way that could potentially take her life as she was giving life to the little one. They were suffering from information overload among other overwhelming emotions.

They stayed like this for about an hour, silently weeping and clinging to each other trying to comfort each other and come to terms with everything that had transpired. They separated just enough to see the other’s faces, Gabriel looked concerned, and Y/N looked heart broken. There was a question burning into his mind, but he was almost too afraid of the answer to ask it. The operative word being almost. He needed to make sure his fears were just that fears and not his instincts raising red flags.

Gabriel gently cleared his throat and began to speak in a soft loving tone, “Babes, I have a question that I have to ask, and I know it’s going to probably upset you, so I need to you promise me you won’t run on me again.” He paused and waited for a response from Y/N, which he got in the of an ‘ugh’ expression on her face and a reluctant nod. He steadied himself and looked deep into her eyes and spoke in an unfamiliar serious tone, “Y/N, did what almost happened tonight the result you were looking for?”

Y/N went pale at the question. She honestly hadn’t thought that her needing time alone to digest everything could have been perceived as her trying to get killed. She had a deep frown on her face as she herself ran through all the questions she assumed Gabe had running through his mind and thought a few of her own. Was this a subconscious attempt? Did she actual do that hoping for that outcome? She shook the thoughts and questions out of her head. 

Y/N’s face went emotionless as she started to speak, “Okay never mind the implied gaslighting in that question. How could you ever think that?” Her voice was gentle and soft her tone was one of disbelief. There was no sign of anger from her. “Gabriel, I would never do anything that would take me from you. Earlier I just wanted a few minutes of solace to cope I didn’t plan to end up on top of the Golden Gate. Mind you that view was gorgeous.” She added the last bit in an attempt for levity.

It fell flat. This was one time Gabriel wasn’t in the mood for jokes. Shaking his head he pressed the issue with a flat, “That wasn’t an answer, Y/N, that was avoidance.” Gabe wasn’t backing down on this. He had to know for sure.

Y/N let out an exasperated sigh, “No Gabriel. What happened, almost being smited, was not the end game earlier. There are you satisfied now?”

Y/N got off the bed and started pacing the floor of the room and hugging herself. Trying to calm her nerves. She couldn’t figure out why she was so upset by his question. So she decided to try again to change the subject, “Can we please just decompress and listen to Phantom of the Opera?” 

Gabe knew what she was asking. Phantom was her comfort movie. Has been as long as he’s known Y/N. Against his better judgment he nodded in agreement and snapped his fingers turning the tv on as it started playing the opening to the movie. He pulled back the covers and patted the bed silently asking her to join him. 

She did thankful for him letting the subject drop. She didn’t need the added stress right now anyway and they both knew that. She’d had enough of that for one night. She clung to Gabriel desperate for comfort.

Gabriel held onto her and did what he could to comfort Y/N. It started out with him humming along to the opening then he was softly signing along and by the time the movie ended he had been singing gently to Y/N in Enochian lulling her into a soft sleep.

To Be Continued… 

Part Ten

 @disfunctionalcellmembrane  @misskitty1912-blog

[rayshippouuchiha]

Uzumaki Child Raising Tactic #12

Is your child causing wide spread destruction by unleashing Chakra waves of at least A-rank potency?

First determine the cause for their actions

A. Boredom

B. Chakra overload

C. Chakra High

D. Orders from the leader of the local charter of the Island-wide organised playmate group to distract the adults while they seize the sweet cabinets

E. Emotionally Overwhelmed or Overstimulation via Sensory Overload

F. For shits and giggles

G. Other

If A. Provide child with Category 4 explosive seal work

If B. Provide child with Chakra intensive activity. Ex. Unleash them upon the Chakra chain training grounds until Chakra levels decrease or have them work on Chakra intensive fuuinjutsu.

If C. Slowly wean them off the high by providing them with Chakra circulation exercises. Ex. Sea walking or Ocean worship dances

If D. Negotiate with the Boss. If talks fall through, call the Uzukage.

If E. Refer to the Psychology section for Communication, Attention Disorders, and sensory information processing. If possible provide them with an animal companion, for example, a full grown bear, or a shark.

If F. Let it run its course and suffer. But if it continues prank them back and declare prank feud.

If G. Perish

The Sannin reading through the book.

Orochimaru: well he got himself a bear

Tsunade: Mito-obaasama gave me a bear to play with once. Worked wonders

Jiraiya: Should be fine then.

Meanwhile Naruto to the bear: I know I know they're stupid but they've got a decent amount of money... At least one of them does so we're sticking it out.

The Bear: 🐻

No no that makes it all so much better.

The Sannin are trying to raise this child to be semi-adjusted.

Meanwhile Naruto is like "I am going to be a literal sugar baby" because he fully intended to bite Jiraiya and escape when the old man first grabbed him but then he felt Jiraiya's jacket, realized it was super high quality and decided to stick it out for a bit to see what was happening.

The three disasters are trying to raise this child and Naruto's tagging alone and wondering what it'll take to make sure he's in all 3 of their wills.

[olderthannetfic]

I wasn't an anti but I logged back into tumblr after a few years of not using it (2018-19 exodus), and that's when I first heard about the anti vs proship deal. When I was a teen I often read incest/underage/gore/abuse/rpf whatever category of things that are supposed to be brain rotting for you and I never thought twice about it. I never felt guilty, I didn't think it was wrong, and it never crossed my mind to think "this royed fic is depraved and the author a sicko". But when I logged back in, I started reading arguments from both sides.

While going through my blog, to my horror I discovered I had long ago reblogged some rick and morty ship fanart, the grandpa/son messed up relationship version. I thought what if someone finds this blog and connects it to me irl? How would I explain this? Why do I even like this? I thought they would think I was a pedophile. I quickly deleted all of it that I could find.

I also came across a bunch of kylux fanart. I had recently been seeing posts about how that was racist because of course some background white dude with two lines is in a more popular ship then the leads of color, right? Racism. I deleted those, too.

And now I feel so stupid for getting caught up in it. I never outwardly expressed any of this but it was an internal I have to be careful about what I reblog, what art I appreciate, and what I write. I chalk it up to being a year into covid and being isolated, wishing I could be physically in my uni classes, and being incredibly burnt out. I thought what people filled their heads with was really important- because so many people were not wearing masks and covid was overloading hospitals. I was incredibly worried about killing my immunocompromised coworker by giving them covid and resented everyone who wasn't following distancing guidelines (which was a lot of fellow students, my roommate, the public). And I thought if people considered more about what information they shared, and realised their capacity to harm, then this wouldn't be happening.

Plucking the potentially "harmful" things from my life felt like I was helping something. Though I'm not acting like I was operating selflessly. A lot of it was fear of how others would judge me.

After reading what you specifically had to say about kylux I realized how stupid I was being. Because the whole appeal of them is hot kylo ren and the BDSM villains fucking each other in leather. There is no other ship combo in the prequels that delivers that as naturally. It really is super lamentable that m/m juggernaut pairs trend white but it really is 1. lack of nonwhite main characters in popular media in the first place, and 2. lack of nonwhite woobies and characters that fit into that shippable mold. And these things being controlled by the profit margins of hollywood. I thank you for pointing these things out, and snapping me out of being an idiot.

A lot of people my age seem to believe you can change the world by sharing an infographic on instagram. Or here. I don't want to be too harsh on people for clinging so hard to the power of the internet for positive change!! during the most isolated moments of this pandemic, but I really recommend 1. killing the cop in your head and 2. seeing what sort connection you can make with the people in your area. I love logging off and being around people, and I love logging on to read my favs banging with tags that would make a priest infarct.

--

That feeling of impotence during a time of ongoing stress is exactly what gets people reaching for the fake activism. They've got to do something, and all the actually productive things are out of reach so...

Emotionally, it's just how we're built, I'm afraid.

[intersectionalpraxis]

Hello! I hope this isn't an annoying question (I promise I'm not about to say something horrible or bigoted - I'm just shy and therfore anonymous), but I'd like to have your advice on how to go about informing people about the genocide in Palestine.

Most people that I know in-person have (quite literally) zero information about any of it, and I have no idea where to even start when informing them. It's hard to summarize everything that's been going on without overloading them with tons of information - or even boring them because I explained it poorly. Many of them have that mindset of "oh, this is bad, but there's nothing we can do," and I'd like to inform them as well as motivate them to advocate for Palestine themselves.

Sorry, this was kind of long! Thank you in advance!

Hello! It's definitely not annoying at all, thank you for your questions/inquiry.

subhi is on of the creators I always recommend following on tiktok and on instagram (if you aren't already) -their posts are both educational-based and they cover current events (for other creators on tiktok/all their platforms I'd recommend James Ray, A'isha, Dr. Nahla, fakegyllenhalal, Nuha, as well as anat_international -to name a few).

subhi created a free online crash course on Palestine that you can find here:

you can also find their page here: @/palestine.academy on Instagram:

Lets Talk Palestine on Instagram has a plethora of educational resources, too (I have followed them for years and they have helped me learn A LOT -their content has many 'beginners guides to' on their Instagram page. I also always recommend following them -here is their link tree:

Palipunk also created a Masterlist here, which they pinned on their profile, as well as fairuzfan -they have a list of helpful resources in this post that cover some of what you were worried about/how you can best address people who may not be as receptive or with whom don't know much about what is going on -I will attach it here:

These are great sources here for you to reference and/or share with the people you know in-person who would like to learn more about Palestine, from past to current, but also as a reference for you to feel more confident/comfortable talking about topics that you know about/have learned about. This is by no means extensive, but it is something I can share to give you a starting point.

I can't say I have the perfect response, but letting them know, first and foremost, you don't have to be an expert to understand that what is happening to Palestinian people is mass ethnic cleansing, and that the Israeli Occupational Forces (the IOF) are committing war crimes. If this was happening to any western/European country there would be a global outrage -like even recently Biden referred to what Putin was/is doing to Ukraine was genocide, but the systematic killing of nearly 30,000 Palestinian people is not?

And to emphasize -if they feel like nothing can be done or even after they understand/have acknowledged what is happening, you can encourage them to look into boycotting (as many Palestinian activists and allies have said -it's the least we can do), because it has been working in varying different capacities. Here is a helpful resource to look into and share with them directly if you are taking your time to go through some of the link I directed you to:

I am also nowhere near an expert on these topics, and there are plenty of Palestinian creators here and elsewhere that I follow that make content talking about Palestine that you also can look at as well (some of them are included here).

I hope this offers some more clarity, and I know there may be tough conversations ahead -and it may depend on context, but whenever I'm addressing global issues with people who don't know about what I'm talking about I usually start with "did you know about..." and if they're not receptive to something I say "do you realize what you said can come across as 'x'" and that 'x' being either insensitive, racist, sexist, xenophobic/whatever they said that is problematic. Turning the onus on them to answer for their bigotry of ignorance, and then being able to educate/inform them.

It's also never the responsibility of Palestinian people, or any person/community being oppressed by a settler/imperial/colonial force both* (fixed a typo!) currently and having a history of such to 'explain' their oppression -so please if they do look outside of the recommendations I've made, please tell them no person who has/experiences marginalization/systematic oppression has to educate them about their suffering (there are some exceptions, but my bottom line is if you don't know then do your own research). It's inappropriate and can be traumatizing/re-traumatizing to many. I'm not saying that's the case for you, but learning/unlearning is something we're all doing, and unless we attend a conference/watch a documentary/are engaging with content they create, then please be mindful of this.

Wishing you the best!

And as always, free Palestine.

[jesslovesboats]

whats your fav historical boat and why ??:)

Hello 🙂 I'm so glad you've asked this question and I promise to be extremely normal about it 🙂

I can find something to love in almost every polar and/or nautical expedition, but nothing has captured my attention and my heart like the Karluk, the flagship of the Canadian Arctic Expedition.

The ship herself was a disaster. Built in 1884 as a fishing vessel, she was repurposed as a whaler in 1892, then acquired by Stefansson in 1913 for the bargain bin price of $10,000. The Karluk was uniquely unsuited for polar exploration-- she was old, rickety, and had what chief engineer John Munro described as a "coffee pot of an engine" that was so ineffective that icebreaking was out of the question. Captain Bartlett almost refused to take her north, but in the end, he acceded to Stefansson's demands. He would come to regret this decision.

In the least surprising turn of events ever, the Karluk became trapped in the pack only a month into the voyage, hundreds of miles from her destination. She remained there until she succumbed to the pressure of the ice and sank five months later, setting the stage for one of the most unbelievable survival stories in the history of polar exploration.

Why the Karluk? For me, it's that the ship was such a perfect metaphor for the expedition itself, which is not always the case! For example-- Terra Nova was overloaded and leaked like a sieve, but the expedition she supported was meticulously planned. Endurance could not withstand the pressure of the pack, but even so, her entire crew survived. The Karluk, though? A nightmare ship with a nightmare (derogatory) leader and a nightmare (affectionate) crew for a nightmare expedition. No part of this should have worked, and it's a miracle that anyone made it home. If not for the selfless actions and basic human decency of a select few crew members and the kindness and generosity of the Indigenous peoples of the Arctic, no one would ever know what happened to them.

Stefansson was simply the worst leader imaginable for a venture like this. He was smug, aloof, selfish, willing to play games with the lives of his men, and hopelessly out of his depth. He failed to adequately provision the expedition, a decision that would prove fatal. The crew he hired were a mix of polar veterans with substance abuse and/or ego problems, Indigenous people (including a family with 2 small children), untested men recruited off the docks, and inexperienced scientists not coping well with the rigors of exploration, among others. I need you to understand that these are my boys and I love them, but they were a MESS. The atmosphere on the Karluk and in the subsequent camps was a toxic sludge of fear and anger and paranoia and egos. No one here was elevated by their suffering, there was no code of honor keeping the men in line, and there were painfully few moral leaders setting examples for the others. With apologies to The Terror, survival was a nasty piece of business. To top it all off, Stefansson abandoned the Karluk and her crew after the ship became frozen in. He went on a "hunting trip" but conveniently failed to return. Leadership!

Hopefully this helps to explain why the Karluk is a perfect metaphor for this part of the Canadian Arctic Expedition. Only an old, crumbling whaler with a tiny, ineffective engine could have shepherded this disaster team to the shores of Wrangel Island. The Karluk was not the ship they needed, but she was the ship they had, and even Captain Bartlett grieved as she sank.

For more information, I highly recommend checking out The Ice Master by Jennifer Niven and Empire of Ice and Stone by Buddy Levy. I also Karlukpost regularly, and you can find my screeching in the Karluk tag.

I hope this answered your question, thanks for a fun ask! ❤️

[artdecosupernova-writing]

Find the Word Game XXVII

tagged by: @oh-no-another-idea!! my words: deliver, drive, death, dog tagging: @drippingmoon, @drabbleitout, @space-writes, and open tag your words: basic, ground, bed, after, before, during

deliver (Eternal)—

"I suspect he may still be harboring resentment toward me." Thrive sounded strangely casual, as if he were relaying information pertinent to their route and destination. "Resentment for what?" a familiar voice chimed in. It took Warren a minute to realize it was Varussa. Thrive didn't answer at first. "I've been distant lately. He deserves a level of presence from me that I'm afraid I can't deliver at present." "Is it that you can't deliver it, or you won't?" Guetry asked with an edge. "Because likely unbeknownst to our great and powerful leader, there is a difference." Warren blinked, his blood running cold at the callousness slithering around Guetry's question. He could imagine Thrive's face, the venom in his glare as each second of silence ticked on. Warren shook his head, ignoring the chill that bolted through him.

drive (Warpath)—

Warren looked around wildly for an answer. Scot was utterly lifeless beside him, still as a board and just as expressionless. The only signs of life in him were his flashing face seams, as if he'd begun to overload or compartmentalize his own emotions onto an external hard drive previously unseen. "Please," Warren choked. "No. This…this isn't real." "I didn't want it to go like this," ——— said. "I didn't want you to find out like this. I wanted to tell you sooner but I was told to ease you into it—" "How," Warren demanded, backing up until his shoulders hit the bulkhead. "How is this possible? How…?!" "I'm not me." ———'s eyes shone apologetically, with sorrow. "I'm not…I'm not the ——— you know. I'm not even supposed to be here. And especially not for long." The floor warped beneath Warren's feet. "I watched you die. I…I watched you die." "You did." The corners of ———'s mouth turned downward. "And I watched you die, too." Jasper was as lost as he could be. "...Is this a ghost?" "Yeah," ——— said, strained, looking at Jasper for the first time in a while. "You have no fuckin' idea, pal."

death (Meridian)—

Upon approaching Veneve's star system, Thrive stood at the front window of the Rodedra, a deep scowl of concern on his face. Warren stepped up beside him and got a look at the view—the star appeared to be a lot further along in its death than anticipated. Even from their temporarily safe position near Veneve's orbit, the sun looked different, more compact and bright blue. "Not good, guys," Thoeala said. "That thing could go off at any moment." "If it supernovas while we're evacuating the planet, there's no time to get away," Thrive muttered distractedly. He passed a hand over his chin. "...And I'd say the odds are astronomical in favor of that happening." Warren narrowed his eyes at him. "You sound okay with that, which is giving me more anxiety about the steadily rising possibility of you eventually becoming a supervillain." Thrive lost himself in his head for a few seconds. "Do you think I could stop it myself?" "You becoming a supervillain? Absolutely not. That's gonna be inevitable and not even you could stop that."

dog (Meridian)—

"Do not go after him." Warren's blood turned to ice. "What?" He shook his head. "It sounded like you said...it sounded like you said not to go after him. But that would be ridiculous, because we all need Thrive back, and we need him back in one piece." He regarded the orb with a hard look. "Right?" The messenger ceased its gentle bobbing in mid-air and became concentrated light near the viewscreen. "His capture by beings beyond our realm of knowledge has been—" "I don't know if you realize this," Warren interrupted, "but I've been around a long time. I've seen things I never should've seen and yet I've forgotten more of my trauma than half of my species has ever lived. I've got nothing but time, my guy. If you don't wanna help me, that's your prerogative, but I'll be damned if you think I'm gonna let you tell me not to find Orthrive'poliea because it's 'too dangerous.' I'm not scared of you or them, so fuck your entire selfish, righteous people for the big pile of dog-shit nothing you've done for me and him." The orb exploded outward, its light intensifying along with a window-rattling roar, like the scream of a blazing comet, filling bones with dread and ears with pain. It sent a chill down Warren's spine, injected him with necessary rage. When the onslaught of light and noise finally ceased, he did a visual sweep of the room to assess everyone's status, then turned back to the orb. "...Did you not hear what I just fucking said," he said darkly.

[wilt3d-r0zes]

Fic Name (and link): Feel Like I Could Die Today Series: Lab Rats Characters: Chase Davenport, Marcus Davenport Pairings: N/A Trigger Warnings: Sensory Overload, Autistic Meltdown, Vivid Descriptions of Self Harm Urges (things like ripping your skin off, acid, etc) Important Tags: Autistic Chase Davenport, Autistic Meltdown, Angst, Good Brother Marcus Davenport, Hurt/Comfort, Redeemed Marcus Davenport, Takes Place After Elite Force is Founded. Summary: Protip: Don't spend 12hrs working on code. I don't care if you're bionic, don't do it. Or, I watched Free Guy and was liike wow. Keys is literally so autistic. I wonder if there's any fanfiction of him being autistic and there WAS. Exactly one beautifully written meltdown fic and i was like imma do that imma write a fic inspired by this so i did. (It's linked as the inspiration o7) (title is from A Little Bit Off by Five Finger Death Punch)

Inspired By:

shaking hands

by Anonymous

Chase stared at the computer in his lap. At the screen of code he's been agonizing over for who knows how long. The program wasn't working. It definitely should be, he's gone over the code four times trying to find whatever error he missed but it's yielding nothing but increased frustration when he tests it and nothing happens.

The only option he really has is to restart. But this is hours of work-- hours of slaving over this stupid little laptop that he'd lose because of what's probably one line of code he missed and can't find. He hates restarting, loathes losing hours of progress on a 'first draft.' 

A hand lands on his shoulder, one that's hard and identifiable as Marcus based purely on the fact it's made mostly out of metal. Despite this, his synthetic skin burns against Chase-- which, of course, isn't possible unless he developed a new bionic ability and decided to turn on him-- again-- but chances are pretty low that that's happened.

(Again.)

Still, he shrugs off the hand, turning back to look at the android with wide eyes. Marcus stares back at him with a blank expression, one he wears more often than not now that he's stopped putting up a facade of human emotional responses. "When's the last time he slept?"

Chase just turns back around. He doesn't need this right now, he needs to finish this project. He said he could finish it in a few hours, and it's already well beyond that mark. This program could help take a massive load off Adam, Leo and Marcus until other locations are finished and more mission overseers can be promoted. Hell, it'll even help after that happens.

He scrolls back to the top of the project, trying to scan the code- just one more time- but finds himself squinting beyond diagrams, theories, digital post-it notes and warnings on his information hud. He can barely read any of the letters, numbers and symbols that were supposed to create something helpful but sit there like a useless pile of junk.

Chase swings the mouse over to the New Project button near the top, the sound of plastic on the countertop a grating swoosh of agony that's so much louder than it ever had any right to be.

(Why didn't Douglas give him an on/off switch for his bionics?)

He ground his teeth, a habit that he'd been doing since before he started highschool and one day is going to cost him his teeth. "Dude," Marcus starts, his voice like a freight train in Chase's ear-- it's enough to make him flinch, so the next thing Marcus says he, evidently, turns the volume down so low you wouldn't be able to hear it unless you took his voice box out and put your ear right up next to it, "How long have you been out here?"

Chase continues to glare at the code, another thing popping up on his HUD. The time. 2:32. He'd been working on this for nearly twelve hours.

(Teach him to think "Oh, one more hour can't hurt." Really, he should've learned that six years ago. Probably longer.)

His hands falter, and he pulls them away from the computer enough to notice how much he's shaking, the trembling through his entire body that feels like low-blood sugar and a panic attack had a baby.

(Ew.)

Without the mouse in his hand and the keyboard underneath his fingers, grounding him to the real world and giving him something to focus on, he's overcome with the sudden urge to bang his head on the counter he's working on. Again, this would yield little no results other than pain, and he's overwhelmed enough as it is.

Instead, he reaches his shaking hands up to run through his hair, only to catch the strands in his hand and yank. His scalp burns where he pulls hairs out completely, but he can't bring himself to stop, slowly dragging his still-gripped mess of semi-gelled hair until his slimy hands cover his eyes and he wants nothing more than to be drowned in a vat of acid to get rid of the feeling.

But there are no vats of acid for him to drown himself in, so instead he finds himself standing from the desk with little more than the thought of getting away from the danger of his own senses. Then, he’s standing in the medbay.

The lights are off, and with Douglas gone to the Elite Force and nobody actively injured, it’s empty. Marcus has evidently followed him, something he didn’t notice in the walk in his panic to get out.

His shoes squeak when he tries to rock onto the balls of his feet, a screaming sound that genuinely brings up warning on his HUD. His hands find their way to his arms, too-long nails digging into them. Without the focus of his computer or the code in front of him, all he wants to do is scream and hit things– anything, something to distract from the sensory overload that makes his very skin feel horrible.

Marcus grabs him when his hand first makes contact with his shoulder, solid arms wrapped around him and burying his face in unscented clothes. He squirms, and eventually he finds himself sinking to the floor with Marcus still wrapped around him. His throat burns and his hands hurt, and he doesn’t have the foggiest idea why.

His face is wet, and a sound he can’t identify with his bionics working overtime makes him drag his throbbing hands to his ears. His throat burns, like he got rugburn on his vocal cords. His head hits solid metal, but it doesn’t make the feelings go away. Abruptly, he realizes he’s screaming. The realization makes him snap his mouth shut, carelessly clacking his teeth together so his brain rattles and his jaw aches. A whimper follows and his squirming reignites until Marcus tightens the arms wrapped around him.

He slumps, a broken sob raking along his strained throat. The fight suddenly leaking out of him so he’s just laying against his brother, crying. He feels pathetic, suddenly. Useless– freaking out over a program that would take only a few hours to rewrite.

He opens his mouth to apologize, but all that comes out is a breath of hot air. Above him, he hears things whirr when Marcus activates his voice box and fan, “It’s alright.”

His volume is still low, though it doesn’t grate any more than it would’ve three hours ago. The fan whirring to life makes his chest rumble slightly, a layer of surprisingly calming sensory input that makes Chase wish he hadn’t already slumped so he could simply melt away the tension still writhing in his muscles.

“I know how it is, don’t worry about it,” Marcus continues, chest mimicking the way it’s supposed to move when a human talks, “We can stay here as long as you need.”

One good thing about Marcus being an android: he doesn’t really get bored easily. He really could sit here with Chase for the next few hours with plenty to entertain him, having full access to the internet. He once told them that he could bring up games on his HUD– something Chase is forever jealous about.

However long they lay there, with Marcus positively compressing his brother, it’s long enough for Chase to doze off into a dreamless sleep, where Marcus picks him up and deposits him on the couch in the mentors quarters and settles in on the chair to watch tv until he wakes up.

[ao3feed-piltovers-finest]

Don't go where I can't follow

by YourSinfulScribe

What can I say I'm a depressed lesbian right now who is overloaded in information and drowning in angst.

Vi had forged ahead after the ambushes and traps. The team was broken, and Caitlyn had ordered them to return to Piltover.

Now it was just Caitlyn and her...

Words: 445, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Fandoms: League of Legends, Arcane: League of Legends (Cartoon 2021)

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Categories: F/F

Characters: Caitlyn (League of Legends), Vi (League of Legends), Jinx (League of Legends)

Relationships: Caitlyn/Vi (League of Legends)

Additional Tags: Angst and Tragedy, Possible spoilers of S2, My take of what might happen, Seriously I'm depressed, These lesbians can't have a break

Read on A03. from AO3 works tagged ‘Caitlyn/Vi (League of Legends)’

[jenevawashere]

Writers Truth & Dare Ask Game

🎱 ⇢ post your AO3 total stats: how about no

🍓 ⇢ how did you get into writing fanfiction?  I wanted Wanda Maximoff in the X-men movies. I had a vision for it and I might revisit it someday...

🌵 ⇢ share the link to a playlist you love: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6mwovYLQUxzDlP3bR1L5GS?si=baa885e9c42c4fc9

🕯️ ⇢ on a scale from 1 to 10, how much do you enjoy editing? why is that? seven. It has become more enjoyably as my writing style has changed. I edit as I go because I write in chunks, then go back and edit when I hit a metaphorical wall.

🛼 ⇢ describe your latest wip with five emojis: ok! good luck decoding this shit: 📍🛑🔩👁️🍫

🥑 ⇢ you accidentally killed somebody, which mutual(s) do you text for help? none of them are on here that I know of but Q and S. Maybe G depending on who...

🥤 ⇢ recommend an author or fanfic you love: I have a whole list. So instead, here's a shit ton of my bookmarks. https://archiveofourown.org/users/FriendofthePhoenix1234/bookmarks

💌 ⇢ how many unread emails do you have right now?  5 in the main

🌻 ⇢ tag someone you appreciate but don't talk to on a regular basis: How do you tag on here? Seriously, not a joke I have yet to learn that skill.

🐇 ⇢ do you prefer writing original characters, reader inserts, or a mix of both? Original or existing characters.

🧃 ⇢ share some personal lore you never posted about before: I'm allergic to watermelon. No idea how the fuck that is possible but it happens.

🎲 ⇢ what stops you from writing more in your free time? Short answer? Life. Long answer? Also life. And procrastination.

🍄 ⇢ share a head canon for one of your favorite ships or pairings: uhhhhhhhhh NEXT!

🧸 ⇢ what's the fastest way to become your mutual? shit if I know. Just hang out and say hi every once in a while. If we share fandoms, then cool! *shrugs in idk*

🪐 ⇢ name three good things going on in your life right now: finally having a job, a few projects to switch through, and my cat.

📚 ⇢ what's the last thing you wrote down in your notes app? fic notes. See previous wip related question to try and figure that out

🍬 ⇢ post an unpopular opinion about a popular fandom character: I'm gonna have to come back to this one. Brain overloaded when this question came up

🔪 ⇢ what's the weirdest topic you researched for a writing project? recently? (more on a personal level in terms of weirdness) a bunch of information on science related topics. I was the arts kid in a stem class so you can imagine how weird searching for that stuff is.

🦷 ⇢ share some personal wisdom or a life hack you swear on: "Be the kool aid man."

❄️ ⇢ what's your dream theme/plot for a fic, and who would write it best? My doctor who fics and literally anyone else that isn't me and has a much better understanding of the whoniverse.

🌿 ⇢ give some advice on writer's block and low creativity: there's no advice from me. It happens, sometimes for months on end and it sucks.

🥐 ⇢ name one internet reference that will always make you laugh: Oh boy! We have another list! "Burn it. Burn the jacket." "A fire? At the sea parks?!" "Hamburger (the H is silent in this context)" "Surprise harmonica" and I'm going to stop listing things now...

🏜️ ⇢ what's your favourite type of comment to receive on your work? ANY! Seriously, even if it's a single emoji, please say something. Kudos can only do so much, and that's assuming I count them.

🍦 ⇢ name three good things about a character you hate: I just spent a good five minutes trying to remember what character I hate. I think I've blocked them out in all honesty.

🥝 ⇢ do you lie a lot? what's the most recent lie you told? I have the memory of a goldfish, you expect me to remember that?

🦋 ⇢ share something that has been on your heart and mind lately: I hate Hate HATE gathering basting stitches SO MUCH 

🦴 ⇢ is there a piece of media that inspires your writing? Music.

🍅 ⇢ give yourself some constructive criticism on your own writing: what you think is bad, someone else will think is good. What you think is good, someone else will think is bad.

🐚 ⇢ do you like or dislike surprises? depends on a lot of factors here. Need more specifics.

🪲 ⇢ add 50 words to your current wip and share the paragraph here: *panics* Have 58 instead! *awkward jazz hands*

Lars had forgotten his keys at work. He had made it all the way to the door before he realized he couldn’t get into his flat - apartment according to Americans. He still called it the “wrong thing,” no matter how many times he was corrected. 

“Of fucking course.” He rolled his eyes as his shoulders slumped in defeat.

☁️ ⇢ what made you choose your username? X-men fan. Jean Grey is a favorite. That's where all the Phoenix stuff in my original username came from. The one on here is a pseudonym.

🐝 ⇢ tag your biggest supporter(s) and say one nice thing about them: I ask again. HOW DOES ONE TAG?

🌸 ⇢ do you have any pets? if you do, post some pictures of them: Cat and no. You don't deserve picture of my baby floof.

🎨 ⇢ link your favourite piece of fanart and explain why you like it: ...am I allowed to say a whole book? If yes, then the Scarland Art Book that was literally just announced.

🧩 ⇢ what will make you click away from a fanfiction immediately? Stuff I don't like.

[ontowanderlust]

What kind of future?

SYPNOSIS. When you can see everyone’s future but your own, do you dare wonder if you had one to begin with? And while the heavens offered no answer, will you still ask which future is the right one when the person you love had someone waiting for him?

PROMPT. Fortuneteller!AU where you can see everyone’s future but your own.

TROPES. idiots in love; F2L, I swear; the art of waiting can sometimes be painful.

WC. 9k words.

WARNINGS/TAGS. Svt filo fanfic; slight angst (sobrang super slight parang kagat ng maliit na dinosaur. Rawr.); Some grammatical errors na I swear I’ll edit when I get to it; Unsolicited filo jokes (mentions of maintenance as in drugs but like in a light hearted way); food mentions;

NOTES. So. This is actually a product of a random conversation. I didn’t exactly think it would bear a fanfic out of it pero welp, here we are. Been tapping into writing in taglish again but who knows, maybe I’ll try to translate it into cohesive english din? Anyway, this is for you @moonwonuu Also, the title came from the song, What kind of future by Woozi. Kaya kung masakit man tong fanfic na to, kasalanan talaga ni Woozi yan tas damay niyo na rin si Cel kasi siya nag reco sakin nyan.

MORE NOTES. Happy birthday, Jeonghan. (I know wala kang masyadong role dito sa fic pero since birthday mo ngayon, shoutout ko na lang ikaw dito.)

You were descended in a clan of fortune tellers.

Syempre, hindi yung typical na naiimagine ng mga tao when they hear the word fortune tellers, ah? Katulad siguro ni Madam Auring (Not to be that person pero, buhay pa ba yun?) or si Master Hanz (Jusko naman yung tagline nun na "Hanz-on sa future mo" or something will remain living rent free sa utak mo every time napapadaan ka sa edsa) or that old lady sa isang morning talk show (Kabisado na nga ng pinsan mo yung spiel niya) or heaven forbid, yung mga manghuhula sa Quiapo. (Di ba gayuma yung specialization nila?)

Point is, other fortune tellers use divination as means of seeing ahead. They have techniques (tricks daw sabi ni Chan) like Astronomy, Tarot Card readings, reading tea leaves, or even looking through a crystal ball pero kayo ng family mo? You could say your family's way of foreseeing is different from the norm.

All it takes is a glance, after all.

One glance, and you'd know the person's future. Ang kaso lang, meron siyang pa-catch- terms and conditions ba, ganun.

First, you have to look into the eyes of the person. As in: mata sa mata. Would you need the other person to look at you? Hindi naman. Basta ang importante nakikita mo yung mismong mata ng other person. Although, isang malaking perk kung magkatitigan kayo. Mas clear yung vision mo.

Second, you could only take a look for certain amount of time otherwise, magkakaroon ka ng information overload and it will leave your head hurting for days. Basically, the amount of time you can garner sa pagtingin sa future ng ibang tao can only last from three seconds to three minutes. Why three? Wala lang. Gusto mo lang. You're not really the type of person to look someone in the eyes for quite too long. (Actually, trial and error din talaga ang timing ng pag tingin into the future sa family mo. There was once a rumor, according sa cousins mo na may someone na nakatagal daw ng twenty minutes. Shocking. Who even in their right mind would look someone in the eye for that long? "Did they even blink?" you had asked that one time, only for your cousin to shrug at you. "Di ba pag nagblink, you'd lose train of sight? I don't think they did." "Wow." "Di ba? Amazing.")

Third, the future you could see doesn't have a fixed timeline. Just because you've been staring at a person for three minutes straight, doesn’t mean you’ll see what will happen in the next three years or so. Minsan, your vision would take you to three minutes in the future, minsan naman it might take you three years, minsan thirty years. Point is, you could only see what will happen pero as to when it will happen? Nako. Wag mo nang isipin. Migraine lang abot niyan sayo.

Fourth, just because you saw doesn't mean it's established. Humans are fickle beings, after all. Di sila madidiktahan kung anong gusto nilang gawin sa buhay. At the end of the day, humans faced choices and it will be up to them as to what kind of choice they will make in order for the vision you saw come to fruition.

Fifth, the more attached you are to the person, the harder it is to see their future. Some elders in your family said na maybe it's because the universe still wants to find balance in everything- and by balance, they meant para daw di makapagcheat in life and abusuhin ng family mo yung ability bestowed upon you. Which is kinda bullshit kasi by bestowing this ability is already giving your family a way to cheat the system. So bale, the closer your relationship is with that person, the harder it is to foresee. It doesn't mean you won't totally see the future but more like, makikita mo nga pero it's kinda blurry and di as clear as strangers'.

And lastly- and this one sucks for you because apparently, you could see people's futures. Other people- people na wala talagang kinalaman sayo. At all. You can see anyone's future... except your own.

Di ba ang saklap? Kasi ibang tao ang nakikinabang ng ability mo. Well, depende rin siguro kung good thing ba yun or bad thing. Because on one hand, at least you're free to do your own thing. Walang looming pressure for you to take certain kinds of decisions to end up where you should be. Pero at the same time, parang di ba pwedeng kahit may onting assurance lang naman kahit papaano na may mararating ka rin in life? Na despite the struggles and challenges, may kahihinatnan naman ang buhay mo?

"And where exactly is this coming from again?" Seungkwan asked as he brandished the popsicle he was eating as he stared at the bustling quadrangle whilst the rest of his companions shared the same knowing look. "I mean- di naman sa pagaano ah? But like, you've been reciting your family's manifesto for like what, twenty times?-" he looked at their friends for back up to which they all nodded at. "- in the years of our friendship. And we're what, twelve years nang magkakaibigan?"

"Try fifteen," Soonyoung corrected to which they all simultaneously nodded again, settling in a more comfortable position.

"See?” Your lavender haired friend acknowledged. “So, really, what’s new? Kahit pa yata pagbali-baliktarin mo buong universe, yang terms and conditions niyo hindi na magbabago. Which boils down to one thing-" he stared you down with those same judgmental glare every time he felt suspicious of you. "What's got you like this?"

“Means ano daw nakita mong future bakit bigla kang nagspiral ng ganyan.” Chan pointed out, earning him a pointed look from you.

Of course, you understood what Seungkwan meant. Your friends knew you all too well, after all. You wouldn't be reciting all those shitty terms and conditions if there's nothing wrong- if you didn't see a future worth your attention.

But you did. And it's eating you deep down. Which scared you. Kasi normally di mo naman pinapansin lahat ng mga visions mo- not even when this one random dude got rejected during his public proposal. But this particular vision had your thoughts spiraling, stomach churning just by thinking about it.

"Wonwoo's gonna meet his lover soon.”

“Whoop and there it is.”

You loved Soonyoung. You really do. But sometimes this dude can really run his mouth before his brain can even catch up with it.

Turning your head, you watched as his eyes widen just as your words had sunk in his brain. "Wait, ha?" you would've found his reaction funny and you can't really blame him that his brain had short-circuited for a minute there- not when all your friends were also looking at you as if you had spoken the unspeakable.

"Wait lang," Vernon decided to finally join the conversation he had been contently listening to, raising his hand as if he's physically trying to slow down everything. "Repeat that, pero slowly."

“Exactly what I said. Wonwoo’s gonna meet his beloved soon.”

“‘The future you could see doesn’t have a fixed timeline.’ Di ba yan yung sabi mo?” He quoted after few minutes of silence as if he's arguing on your behalf. “‘You could only see what will happen, not when.’”

“Article four of your terms and conditions, just because you saw doesn’t mean established na yun.” Soonyoung proudly added. “You know, for someone who memorized the terms and conditions, bakit parang nakakalimutan mo yun? And here I thought, nasa’yo ang group brain cells for the week.” He teased, earning a smack on his arm to which he cradled in pain.

“Tsaka di ba the more attached you are, the harder it is to see?” Seungkwan added, his hands gesturing as if he was presenting a lecture. “So bakit parang certain ka na he’s gonna find someone soon?”

"Kasi." you breathed out as if you're gathering all your courage. "Paulit ulit ko na siyang nakikita.” You shrank to your seat, leaning towards Vernon who simply placed a comforting hand on your shoulder. “Aside from that, every time our eyes meet, yung scene na yun ang bumubungad sakin. And I really don’t want to keep replaying the scene over and over.”

“Kaya pala di ka na makatingin sa kanya!” Soonyoung exclaimed as if it all made sense, making the rest of them frown at him, Chan going as far as to reaching over to smack him at the back of his head lightly.

“Yeah,” you said, voice flat as if you’re trying to hide the misery behind your voice. “It’s a good thing we don’t have that much classes in common. Mahahalata niya agad eh.”

“Uh, no offense pero if Hoshi noticed it, what are the odds na di niya mapapansin?” Chan asked, sympathy etched upon his face, knowing the answer to his question.

“None. Zero. Mas observant kaya yun kesa kay Kwannie kapag naghahanap ng mach-chika.” Vernon answered as he tapped your shoulder in silent apology. “And- I know this doesn’t help at all pero when it comes to you, all his senses seemed to heighten.” He added much to your distress.

“Hmm, di kaya ikaw yun?” Seungkwan asked after few minutes of silence, which isn’t like him at all. “Yung nasa vision mo, I mean. Baka lang naman kasi kung paulit ulit ba naman-”

“She can see anyone’s future except her own,” they all chorused as you groaned, sinking further into your seat.

“I’ve never seen my future before, Kwannie. Why start now?”

“You tell me. You haven’t seen Jeon’s future sa years of your friendship din naman. And how long have you been friends? Fifteen years?”

“Eighteen,” you mumbled.

“Oh. Eighteen na pala. That's longer than the rest of us pa. So you mean to say all those years, wala ni isang vision ka nakita? So bakit ngayon lang?” Seungkwan challenged.

“Just because hindi ko makita ang future niya doesn’t mean wala na siya nun. Maybe ngayon lang nagmanifest or something di ba? Humans are fickle beings. Di mo sila madidiktahan. Same goes to visions like this. Just because I've known him most of my life, doesn't mean I have access to his future.”

“Di kaya dahil you like Wonwoo?” Soonyoung offered, pointing his popsicle stick at you. “Or baka nga kasi borderline mahal mo siya? I don't know, ano ba status ng feelings mo sa kanya?”

Soonyoung means well. They all mean well. You know that, they know that. Kaya lang, the thing about emotions, you tend to shy away sa topic na yun especially when you’re in the center of it. Okay lang siguro kung katuwaan, kung light hearted emotions ang pinaguusapan. Pero this kind of emotion? Parang you’d rather choke na lang than to unearth these feelings that had been buried deep down.

“May kinalaman ba ang feelings sa pagdetermine ng future ng isang tao?” Chan wondered as you sighed in relief, knowing he’s trying to at least lighten the burden from you. “Nai-influence ba ng feelings mo yung future?”

This, you can answer.

You shook your head. “I don’t think so. Kasi if that were the case then sana matagal nang na-disintegrate yung future nung kaaway ni kuya Hannie.” you mused, Soonyoung looking aghast as he looked at you (It’s no secret he’s afraid of your elder cousin). “But from what I’ve heard mukhang wala pa naman nakakagawa nun. Again, we’re just seers. Di naman namin kayang maginfluence ng future ng iba.”

“So if that were the case, anong gagawin mo?” Vernon asked, softly and quiet as if he was threading lightly. “When Wonwoo found that someone?”

“Be happy for him I guess,” you shrugged to which earned you a flick on your forehead by Seungkwan making you cry out in protest as you glared at him. “What the hell, Seungkwan?”

“Ano ka, martyr?” He scoffed, glaring at you in return. “Di ka namin pinalaking duwag, __. You either step up your game, or confess. Hindi yung magmumukmok ka sa gilid just because of a future that may or may not happen.”

“Pero what if this person will be the one to give him his happiness?” You couldn’t help but wonder. “What if siya pala makakapagbigay ng unyielding love and support kay Woo? What if this person’s the one he truly needed?”

“Bakit, di mo ba kayang gawin yun? You, who knew him for so long? Di mo din ba kayang magbigay ng happiness?” The thing about Seungkwan, once you challenged him into a battle of wits, he’s the type to never back down from it. Especially if it’s to defend his friends even from themselves. “Hindi mo pa ba ginagawa yun? In those eighteen years of your lives, where were you? What are you to him?”

“His freak of a best friend.” You answered, slumping down in defeat as he sneered not because of you, but rather of your answer.

Shaking his head, his eyes softened as he reached over to pat your head, you couldn’t help but feel as if he’s knocking instead. “No, that’s not the question you’re supposed to answer.”

The thing about those terms and conditions your family had, not only they served as guide but throughout the years, they also served as a grounding point for you.

Ang weird man pakinggan but the reason why you were able to memorize the absurdity of it all was because you kept mumbling them whenever you needed a clearer mind. Pero syempre, you do it in a subtle way otherwise napagkamalan ka nang member ng cult sa mga pinagsasabi mo.

So. What was the first one again?

First, you have to look into the eyes of the person. As in: mata sa mata.

“I thought,” Wonwoo spoke up, breaking you out of your reverie and back into the café where you both decided to eat out. “We established na kahit anong titig ang gawin mo, you won’t be able to find anything?” He asked, the interest in his voice didn’t go unnoticed. “Or have you just realized na you can’t seem to get enough of my eyes?”

Despite the rapid thumping of your heart, you couldn’t help the giggle coming out of your mouth as you shook your head at the absurdity of his statement. “At saan mo naman napulot yan, Jeon Wonwoo? Masyado yatang nasosobrahan na ang pagdikit mo kay Soonyoung ah?”

“And there you are,” he chose to ignore your statement, resting his arms on the table as he tilted his head at you, faint traces of smile can be seen upon his lips. “You know, kala mo di ko napapansin pero these days you seem so down. Is there anything I can help with, my beloved bestie?”

Ah, really. Whatever will you do with him? Paanong hindi ka magkakaroon ng feelings when he’s like this? When he makes you feel like you’re important and that whatever it is that you think matters to him?

How can you stop these feelings that had taken place inside you and made a home out of it? How can you ignore the growing excitement when he does this- when he gave you all his attention? His worries and care for you?

Just as you were about to open your mouth, another scene is bleeding through your sight, overlapping the warmth in his eyes- a scene of him flashing the same warmth, maybe even warmer than what you’re used to, the faint smile on his lips growing every second until it erupted into deep, hearty laugh.

Everything seemed to be hazy but you could never miss the look in his eyes as he stared onto the person who was supposed to be right in front of him.

Could you see it? The person he was supposed to be like this? The person he can be carefree with?

Blinking, you shook your head, willing a small smile to creep across your mouth so as he won’t notice the shift in you. “Pagod lang, Wons.” You settled instead, swallowing the words that threatened to escape your lips. “I think nagcatch up lahat ng sleepless nights ko. Heh.”

Eyebrows furrowing, his eyes ran through your features, studying your expression intently as if he was trying to figure the lie in your statement. Deep down, you knew he knew you’re being dishonest but you knew he would never pry- not when you’re closing yourself from him.

Truthfully, you knew it hurt him. Kasi si Wonwoo yan eh. Even if he looked aloof and distant, he is easily the kindest person you’ve ever known in your life.

“Say, Wons,” you try to backpedal, earning his attention. “What will you do when you find the person na destined for you?”

Squinting his eyes, he looked at you as if you sprouted another head. “Ang random ah?” He remarked as you gestured for him to roll with it. “Is that what’s bothering you? Akala ko ba your family specializes on fortune telling at hindi matchmaking? Nag change career na ba kayo?”

Contorting your facial expression into one of a disgust, he couldn’t help but smile at you. “Okay first of all, yuck. Bakit ako magch-change career into that? Meron pa bang matchmaker sa panahon ngayon? Parang nag regress buong diwa ko dun, Jeon Wonwoo, ah?” You protested much to his amusement, letting out a full-blown laughter that caught attention from the patrons of the coffee shop as you kept going on and on about your disdain with matchmakers.

Leaning over the table, he placed both of his hands over your cheeks, gently shaking your face, effectively catching your attention. “Oo na, ayaw mong tawagin kang matchmaker-”

“Kasi di naman yun yung purpose ko!” Your words came out slurring due to his hands pressed on your cheeks but did you mind? No, not at all. “Isang malaking insultong tawagin akong matchmaker, Jeon Wonwoo. Tandaan mo yan.”

“Yes po, kamahalan. Masusunod po.” He grinned, poking your cheeks one more time before he released you. “And to answer your question, I think… I’ll give that person my all. My unconditional love.” His voice turned wistful, a secretive smile forming on his lips as he averted his gaze towards the cooling beverage he had ordered earlier before snapping out of it as he turned back to you. “Pero parang wala pa naman siya sa point na…” he trailed off, shrugging as he effectively ended the discussion right there.

Something about your exchange had your stomach turning. What was that all about?

“Normal bang nangyayari yung matagal mo nang kilala yung tao tas wala kang makitang future niya ni minsan tas out of nowhere bigla ka na lang nagkaroon ng vision?” You asked, watching your cousins bicker over the last dumpling, your question making them cease their movements as they looked at you.

Seems these days people who are close to you kept on watching you as you voice out your thoughts. Was it really that unusual? Do you always keep these things close to you while you figure out what to do?

“Is this about your best friend dilemma?” Jeonghan asked as he wrestled Joshua out of his arm, sneakily taking the last dumpling before popping it into his mouth much to the latter’s exasperation.

“You know about it?”

“No offense, pero ang daldal ng mga kaibigan mo, __.” Seungcheol shrugged, answering for him instead as he offered you his drink to which you graciously accepted. “They had actually beaten you with that question a week ago pa.” He said, making you slightly frown at his statement.

Hay. Minsan di mo rin talaga alam kung matutuwa ka at meron kang concerned na kaibigan or maiinis kasi masyado silang nosy. Pero either way, you couldn’t help but feel grateful at their concern for you- no matter how excessive it would seem.

“Di rin naman namin masagot yung tanong, just so you know. Wala rin naman kaming nasagap na rumors about this happening in the past before. Di katulad nung sa twenty minutes rumor.” Joshua offered much to your dismay. “Kaya I don’t think you need to-” just before he could even finish his sentence, he was elbowed by Jeonghan, whose eyes narrowed as they both shared glares.

Just as you were about to ask what was that all about, you felt a presence at your side, standing behind the empty chair beside you.

Blinking, you turned your head only for your eyes to widen in surprise. Namamalikmata ka ba? Because there, beside you was none other than the person you had been talking about to your cousins earlier.

“Hi,” Wonwoo had the audacity to grin at you as if he wasn’t crashing your cousins’ lunch out before turning to your surprised cousins. “Hi kuyas. Pwede makitable?”

“Hi Jeon,” Seungcheol, the ever quick thinker was the first to recover, gesturing for him to take a seat to which your friend had graciously accepted. “Napadaan ka?”

“Ah, yayayain ko sana si __, kain kami ng lunch kaso sabi ni Nonie kasama niyo daw.” He recounted, trying to catch your gaze as he talked. Even as his attention was directed to your cousins, he was still trying to include you. “Tas sakto nakita ko kayo from the outside so it must be luck to run into you, di ba?”

Jeonghan studied him for a moment before flitting his eyes towards you. “Luck or fate?” He asked, earning a groan from you and a small laugh from your friend. “I don’t think swerte din Jeon. In case di mo nakikita, tapos na kaming kumain.”

“Di pa daw tapos si __,” Joshua was quick to interject before Wonwoo’s expression take a dip. He then turned to you as if to reiterate his statement. “Tsaka di ba sabi mo gutom ka pa?”

“Di ba sabi mo gusto mo pang umorder nung dessert nila?”

“Sige wait, order na ako para sainyong dalawa ni Jeon,” Seungcheol’s tone wasn’t taking no for answer so instead of arguing, who are you to refuse free meal? “Anyway, okay lang ba iwan na namin kayo?” He asked after talking to the waiter, making you turn your head sharply towards him. “I still have class after this while Han and Shua naman-”

“-thesis,” your cousins who were sitting across you chorused while you gave them pointed look. You know for sure these three were lying. If it weren’t for your friend’s unexpected appearance, they would’ve pushed through their plans of ordering the aforementioned dessert.

Di naman sila halata masyado no? Kung pwede lang silang bigwasan right here, right now, you would’ve done it already.

Kaya lang since they are going as far as to treat you another helping of food and paying for your best friend’s lunch even if they didn’t have to just so you could spend more time with your friend, you decided to lay them off.

“Eat well kayo guys,” Shua was the first out of his seat followed by Jeonghan who simply offered a salute to the both of you but not before throwing a wink towards your direction and a look that says he wanted to know what happened once you get home.

Seungcheol was the last to leave, placing a kiss on the crown of your head. Unknown to you, he had also been staring down at your best friend with a silent threat should there anything befall unto you in his absence.

“Pakabusog kayo,” he said with a close lipped smile. Beside you, you could feel your friend stiffening as he reached over to pat him on the back. “See you at home, insan.” He bid you as he went on his way.

Once he was out of your sight, Wonwoo took the opportunity to occupy the seat Jeonghan was previously sitting on, tapping at your shoulder to catch your attention. "Be honest, busog ka na ba? Kasi if yes, I don't mind eating all of these pero you have to accompany me nga lang." you would've swoon over his concern if it weren't for the mischievous glint in his eyes as if he was challenging you to agree with him.

"Hah," you let out a small scoff, picking up the dessert spoon, much to his amusement. "Minsan na nga lang manlibre si kuya Cheol tas ikaw lang makikinabang? Swerte mo naman, Jeon Wonwoo." you muttered, earning a chuckle from him, watching you eat your heart out.

"Oo, swerte talaga ako- wag mo sabihin kay kuya Han pero he was wrong. Isipin mo, akala ko di kita mahahanap pero guess what? Nakita agad kita tas nakalibre pa ako ng lunch from kuya Cheol- out of all people? Must be my luckiest day." he placed a hand on his heart as he bowed down at the food before him.

Chuckling, you were reminded of the question that was hanging on the tip of your tongue earlier. "Bakit mo pala ako hinahanap?" you asked absentmindedly, making him turn to you as you held his gaze. "Wala naman tayong scheduled lunch ah?

Second, you could only take a look for certain amount of time otherwise, your head will perceive it as information overload and it will leave your head hurting for days.

"Wala, gusto lang kita makasama." he said, oh so casually as if the answer was as simple as that, the rush of feelings inside you making you falter in your movements as the colors bled in your line of vision, the familiar sensation of pushing you into the future overpowering your senses. “Tsaka we haven’t had our-”

You couldn’t hear him as his voice blended into the background of voices filling your ears, muffled voices overlapping each conversation that even if you strained your ears to focus onto anything, you couldn't make sense of what was being spoken as the rush of air passing you by so quickly that you couldn't even sense if you're staying still or not.

And as for your sight? Everything seemed so blurry that you couldn't see anything at all.

The only thing that made sense was the cool sensation brushing upon your arms every once in a while, trailing down until you could feel it settle onto your hands, giving you that sense of relief. And if you concentrated hard enough, it almost felt like it was grounding you back, anchoring you once more into reality.

Remember when you had to set a limit kung hanggang kailan ka lang tititig sa isang tao? This, is exactly why- to be able to protect you from the onslaught of sensations. Pero minsan kasi may pagkamatigas din ang ulo mo no?

Cold hands engulfed your hands making you jump in surprise, breaking you out of the barrier that separated reality from the future. And despite being cold, you couldn’t help but feel the warmth behind the gesture, his thumb rubbing against the back of your hands, patiently waiting for you.

Blinking rapidly, your gaze found Wonwoo’s concerned look wash over your features, sighing in relief once he knew you were back.

“You okay in there?” his tone had became quieter and lowered than usual, his eyes searching for any hint of discomfort in yours. “I lost you there for a moment.” He may be joking but the tremble of his hands upon yours said otherwise. “What goes on that pretty head of yours at di mo pinapansin yung pagr-rant ko sayo? Minsan na nga lang ako magrant, di mo pa ako papansinin.”

Squeezing his hands, you let out a small laugh before sweeping your gaze from his eyes towards the bridge of his nose- your safety net whenever you’ve had your fill of staring into people’s eyes but still not wanting to be rude. Oh, to hell with it. Si Wonwoo lang naman ‘to, di ba? Eyes darting from his nose to his cheeks- and maybe even his lips- before you settled your gaze on his forehead, you raised your free hand, pausing on mid-air.

Sensing your hesitation, he bent down once he realized your intent, silently prodding you to continue as your hands seemed to have a mind of its own, running through his hair, wordlessly responding to the meaning behind his words.

Thank you for your concern, I’m here now. I’m okay.

“…just some boring stuff, Wons.” Still, you answered, offering him a bite of the dessert you were enjoying earlier. “Ano nga uli yung sinasabi mo?”

Third, the future you could see doesn't have a fixed timeline. Just because you've been staring at a person for three minutes straight, doesn’t mean you’ll see what will happen in the next three years or so.

“Okay so meron lang akong di ma-gets sa family manifesto niyo,” Seungkwan suddenly announced as he made a beeline towards the seat next to yours, ignoring the glares thrown his way from being too loud in the private room of the library.

Plopping into the seat next to you, his eyes bore into yours for a moment making you reel back from his sudden actions. “What?”

“Paano mo nalalaman na hindi instant yung future na nakita niyo? Like, how certain are you na mangyayari talaga sya? May pa-feedback ba kayo sa mga customers niyo?”

Furrowing your eyebrows, you turned to Vernon, sharing the same confused look before the latter decided he’d rather not get involved, shrugging at you before going back to his notes, leaving you to deal with this Seungkwan.

Gee, what a great friend you are, Chwe.

Flicking his forehead slightly, feeling small satisfaction from his small cry of protest, you push him gently, deciding to indulge him for a bit.

“One, wala kaming customers, uy. Bakit namin to pagkakakitaan in the first place? Eh sakit nga ng ulo yung inaabot namin dito plus- ang hassle kaya?” You mused, tapping on the table rhythmically. “Also, sa tagal nating magkaibigan- hell, sa tagal ko ba namang pag rant ng family manifesto namin, ngayon mo lang yan na-realize?” You pointed out, his mouth curling into a sheepish grin while you rolled your eyes at him. “Nakikinig ka ba talaga o sadyang tumatango ka lang para matapos na ako?”

He brightened, “Kasi ba naman bhie, kahit naman tumango tango kami hanggang sa maputol ulo namin di ka pa rin umaawat,” he rolled his eyes. At your periphery, you could see Vernon nodding along at him, silently agreeing. “So saan kami lulugar di ba?”

“Tama,” Vernon muttered, making you throw a crumpled piece of paper towards his direction to which he had dodged easily, sticking his tongue out at you. Really, Vernon. Isa kang tunay na kaibigan.

“Eh di sige, fault ko talaga to guys. Ako lang naman ang nagpupumilit na magrant sa inyo. Sorry di ako nagpaalam sa inyo bago ako mag rant. Sino ba naman kasi ako sa buhay niyo no?” You harrumphed, making Vernon snicker at your dramatics while Seungkwan looked at you fondly, shaking his head. “Sana di niyo na lang tiniis no? Ako lang naman ang nasaktan dito, opo.”

“Gagi,” Vernon guffawed, looking up at you as he earned annoyed groans from the background. “Ang drama mo today, ah? Di ka nakainom ng maintenance?”

Rolling your eyes, you stuck your tongue out at him to which he responded by giving you a finger heart.

“So paano nga?” Your lavender haired friend insisted, drawing you both back to the topic at hand. “Eto na lang, was there an instance ba in your life na na-delay yung predictions mo?”

“Ano to, job interview, Kwannie? Ano ina-apply-an ko at magkano ang sweldo dito?”

“Uhm,” Vernon raised his hand. “Di ba perfect example yung kay kuya Wons?” He asked, making you falter momentarily before schooling your features back to neutral as you snap your fingers and point at him to reiterate, ignoring the way your stomach dropped.

So eto na naman tayo, no? Bakit ba pag yun ang na-topic nagiging ganto ka? Bakit ba ang lakas ng effect sa’yo at bakit ka masyadong affected every time nab-bring up yan? Ano ka ba? Ano ka nga ba?

Di ba sabi mo best friend ka lang?

Right. Apparently, Seungkwan felt the same way, raising his eyebrows at your reaction. Before he could even open his mouth- probably to call you out, a deep voice had beaten him to it.

“Ano sakin?”

“Ay kabayong palaka,” he jumped at his seat, diffusing the tension momentarily as you watched Wonwoo take the vacant seat next to Vernon- just across from you, smiling at you in greeting before nodding to your companions, blinking at an affronted Seungkwan who was clutching his chest. “Kuya pwede ba magpasintabi ka naman bago ka magsalita? Para ka kasing ninja.”

Seriously. Some people should be fined at how good they look even when they're not doing anything. Bakit ba mas lalong nakakagwapo mga ngiti mo, uy?

"Kuya Wons, wag mo kong daan daanin sa mga ngiti mong ganyan, di na yan nagw-work sakin. Hindi por que gwapo ka may karapatan ka nang manggulat. Mag sorry ka sakin, dali."

Bless you Seungkwan, for calling him out. Hindi katulad ng isa dyan, ikaw talaga ang tunay na kaibigan.

Letting out a sheepish smile, Wonwoo bowed his head solemnly towards the boy beside you. "Sorry na, bebe Seungkwan, di ko po sinasadya. Next time dala na lang ako warning bell para alam mo andito ako."

"Wag mo rin akong daanin sa bebe, baka sa kanya nagw-work yan pero sakin hindi. I need suhol." Seungkwan scoffed light-heartedly as he pointed at you, making Vernon snicker at his boldness.

Before you could even stop yourself, you felt your hands clutching Seungkwan's arm in a- what you hope- death grip as you stared at your notes. Never mind. Isa kang alagad ni Satanas, Boo Seungkwan. Tandaan mo tong araw na ito. The boy in question jerked on his seat, leaning towards you as he buried his face on your neck to prevent himself from crying out in the library and risk being thrown out.

"Shuta ka, bhie," he rasped out underneath his breath, making you curl your lip in a satisfied smirk.

"Sige may utang ako sa'yo Kwannie pero first, pwede palit tayo seats?" your best friend's deep voice broke you both out of your bubble as you both looked up only to be met with an unreadable expression on Wonwoo's face.

Huh?

"Ha?" Seungkwan was the first to recover, eyebrows furrowing at the sudden request, his eyebrows furrowing as you can feel his body faltering in his seat.

"Nagf-flare up kasi yung notes ko underneath the lighting so di ko rin mabasa plus masakit din kasi sa ulo." Wonwoo coolly explained before rounding towards the space between you and Seungkwan, pushing the boy upright before taking his seat. If you didn't know any better you'd say that it looked as if Wonwoo had exerted more force than necessary when he pushed the boy out of his seat.

You then turned to Vernon, who was simply looking on at the exchange with the same interest in his eyes. Did the two of you just witnessed that?

Looking up, he then smiled gratefully to your lavender haired friend as if he hadn't rudely took his seat. "Sorry sa abala and thank you Kwannie, libre kita milktea mamaya."

And just like that, it seemed all protests dancing on the tip of his tongue had vanished from the mention of free drink. Well.

"So ano yung sakin?" Wonwoo asked again, turning to you as Seungkwan took the seat he was previously sitting on. "Been talking about me behind my back?"

Your two companions shared a look before looking at you, who simply turned to meet Wonwoo's gaze- the familiar sense of haze occupying your periphery before looking at the bridge of his nose.

“You’ll meet your lover soon, Jeon Wonwoo.” you blurted out, better ripping out the bandaid, right? Your statement earned a squeak of surprise from Vernon while Seungkwan's eyes widened at the sudden burst of courage from you. "Kita ko sa mata mo." you added, searching for any reaction coming from your best friend.

"Shuta ka bhie." you heard Seungkwan mutter underneath his breath as he watched the exchange intently while all of your attention simply focused on the boy beside you.

What are you looking for anyway? Elatedness? Pure joy? Relief? Bakit parang gustong gusto mo talagang sinasaktan sarili mo?

“I see,” your friend solemnly nodded as he looked at his notes before yours. "Have you finished your essay last night? Nag all-nighter ka na naman ba? Di ba sabi ko sa'yo tumawag ka sakin para ma-proofread ko?"

What.

Out of all reactions-

“Wait wait." Apparently, Seungkwan felt the same because he was reaching over the table, waving in front of Wonwoo's face- does this boy even know the meaning of personal space? "Wait lang talaga kuya. Di mo ba siya narinig? Sabi niya you’re gonna meet yung uhm how to say this without sounding too cheesy?” he asked, turning to Vernon helplessly.

“In short magkakajowa ka na kuya,” he spoke up, hands pausing at his notes, coaxing a reaction from your best friend.

He looked at you, tilting his head as if he's studying you. What exactly is he looking for? “Okay,” he said, slowly as if he's trying to appease the two before he shook his head, tapping onto their notes, silently telling them to go back to reviewing, much to their dismay- Seungkwan going as far as rolling his eyes before pouting in his seat, leaving you dumbfounded.

How should you take this kind of reaction from him?

Fidgeting in his seat, for a moment there he looked as if he's wistful over something- as if he was contemplating on something. Shaking his head, it looked as if he had decided because then added, "Mukhang matagal tagal pa bago mangyari yan."

“Kuya, may instance ba na you wished you never had this ability in the first place?” You wondered, kicking your feet high in the air as you watched Joshua’s hands fly over the canvas, stroke after stroke with such interest, despite hanging yourself upside down on his loveseat. “Yung ano, makita yung future ng iba every time na magkakatitigan kayo ng ibang tao, ganun?”

Your cousin let out a small hum as he turned to look at you, acknowledging your words, "Meron pa ba tayong ibang ability aside from knowing the future?" he asked, mirth dancing in his eyes before turning back to his project. "Why'd you ask ba?" he asked over his shoulder as you basked in the lull washing over.

It was one of those days where you just want to hide away from the world and whenever you felt like escaping, you knew you'd find solace in your cousin and in his humble private studio located outside of your university, away from prying eyes and meddling people.

It was always like that with your cousins, you mused. Even when they always band together to annoy you sometimes, they would still drop everything in an instant whenever you needed help. And that goes also with whenever you needed a reprieve. Their personal safe haven is always open to you.

It’s funny how fitting their personal spaces to their personalities.

Often times, when you feel like you needed to scream out to the void and let your emotions out no matter how raging it is, Seungcheol’s doors are wide open for you.

Whenever you needed to stare out into the open without the need to interact with any individuals, you always find yourself running into Jeonghan’s side.

And when you don’t want to be alone in unraveling all these tangled thoughts and emotions, Joshua would be there, patiently waiting as you wade out in too deep waters, helping you up should you reach for his hand.

“Have you,” you ignored his question, averting your gaze when you saw him pause in his movements, knowing definitely something was up with you. “Ever wished that you could be selfish just for once that you'd want to see what your future holds instead?”

You were never one to express your emotions really well, preferring to bottle everything up and locking it in before anyone could even see through you. That’s why your cousins had to familiarize themselves with your tells.

And so for you to ask directly had truly surprised your cousin.

You know very well he's studying you, trying to get past the defenses you had unknowingly put up the moment you asked the question, the both of you knowing very well the reason why.

“You know, in the years you’ve complained about our family’s... curse, this is the first time I’m hearing you asking to be selfish,” he commented, placing his brush gingerly back into the cup, palette joining thereafter as he rubbed his hands on a washcloth before nudging you as he joined you on his loveseat. “What goes?” His voice gently prodding you to open your heart just like how it’s always been whenever it’s just the two of you.

“Wala naman,” your voice shuddering, hands trembling as he placed his hands over them in small offer of assurance. “Dapat wala naman kasi. Kaso I can’t help but feel like this is not fair. I didn't ask for much- hell, I didn't ask to be like this, and I didn't ask for something more than what was given but why does it feel like the moment I wished- asked for something-- someone, why does it feel like the entire universe is against it?”

“I told Nonie na magiging masaya ako for Wons the moment he found his someone,” you continued, squeezing his hands as your lips curled into a bittersweet smile. “And wala naman problema, actually. Kasi I really would be happy if I know na yung someone na yun makakapagpasaya sa kanya kaso these days, it seemed as if all these pent up emotions are threatening to burst out. It’s as if parang gusto kong maranasan kung paano ibigay ‘tong pagmamahal kong ‘to sa kanya, you know?”

“And as I continue to wonder and dwell with all of these, I can’t help but ask- meron din ba akong future?” you paused as you looked your cousin in the eyes, his warm brown eyes greeting you with the same comfort his presence brought. “Meron din ba akong space sa future niya?”

Heaving out a deep breath, he pulled you back into upright position, before shifting your weight making you lean towards him, his arm automatically finding its way around your shoulder as you tilted your head onto the junction of his neck.

“Fourth,” he breathed out, reciting the same words you’ve memorized all these years. “Just because you saw doesn't mean it's established.” His voice quiet and somber, slowly rolling the words out as if he’s asking you to remember why the rules were there in the first place.

“Humans are fickle beings especially when it comes to emotions. Just because you tried to close yours doesn’t mean immune ka na dun. You love him for quite some time now and maybe it’s your inner self’s way of saying na it’s time to give these emotions to the person cause you’ve endured it for quite too long na.”

“I find it hard to believe that after all these years between you two, Jeon would just carelessly cast you aside because he found his someone.” He mused, his hand hovering over your head, gently patting. “So to answer your question, yes. May space ka sa future niya. I don’t need my own fancy ability para i-confirm yan. And while I never had the need to know my own future, minsan nakakatakot yung hindi mo alam kung meron ka ngang patutunguhan sa life.”

“So what you do,” he pulled away for a moment, poking your forehead then your cheeks before bopping your nose, reflexively scrunching at his touch. “Is to forge your own.”

Silence engulfed you both with him studying your features. Once he was satisfied with your expression, he reached over the loveseat for the box that you hadn’t paid attention to when you crossed his studio that was resting on the table. “If it helps- and I think it really will, someone left this for you,” Joshua announced as he placed the box of pastries on your lap. “It doesn’t really take a genius to know who this came from.”

Your eyes widened as you saw the post it note on top of the box bearing that familiar handwriting as you open to see your favorites greeting your sight.

‘A little pick me up for a gloomy day. Don’t finish these all in one sitting para di rin sumabay yung tiyan mo sa pagiging upset natin today.’

His handwriting is atrocious. Kulang ng dalawang pastries yung nasa box. But it still elicited a small smile from you- the sweetest after weeks of keeping up pretenses. It really did help, you mused.

“Ay,” Joshua called over, catching your attention once more as if he had just remembered something. “Kung kulang yan, singilin mo si Han.”

“Hinay hinay baka mabilaukan ka dyan, Jeon Wonwoo,” you watched him fondly as his cheeks puff out from stuffing his mouth with the food you two had ordered.

“Ah, nga pala.” he said slowly as he swallowed the last bit of his food, while you automatically reached over to wipe his mouth before he turned towards you, catching your hand with his while his eyes displayed nothing but seriousness. “Why do you call me like that?”

Is it because your emotions are going haywire these days? Or is it because of the looming pressure of what you’re about to do had you thinking that something in the air had possibly shifted.

What it was, you don’t know. But you just knew from the way Wonwoo imposed his question, something inevitable will happen.

Is this perhaps the end of the ticking bomb that had started the moment you saw Wonwoo’s future? Or is this perhaps the rush of the falling sand of a half empty hourglass?

Should you acknowledge it? The change that had happened without him knowing anything?

“Call you like what, Jeon Wonwoo?” You feigned innocence, tugging your hand free only for him to slightly tighten his grip, catching your attention.

“Exactly like that,” his voice drowning from the bustling sound from your background, the warm sunny disposition of the school quadrangle in contrast of the air shifting between you two. “Jeon Wonwoo,” he repeated, face contorting into repulsion as if he had tasted the most bitter food he had ever eaten.

“Grabe naman, bakit ganyan hitsura mo?” You laughed, trying to change the course of your conversation as he threw you a pointed look. Why do you keep running away from him? You both knew that's what's going on with his mind right now. So decide. Do you continue to run or do you stop and face it?

“Di mo ba gusto pangalan mo? Gwapo kaya pakinggan, tsaka what else will I call you but your name?”

“Sa tagal nating magkaibigan,” he started as he leaned back on the trunk of the tree. “The only times you called me by my full name was when you needed to point out something, when we're arguing, and when you've had enough. Tell me, have you reached your limit now? Have you gotten tired already?”

“Never,”

“Then why does it feel like you're putting too much of a distance between us? Why does it feel like you're trying to put me in such a pedestal that you couldn't reach?”

Minsan, it still surprise you how well Wonwoo knew you. From your thoughts to your emotions, he could easily tell the difference. Sometimes, it makes you wonder if he knew just how deep your affection for him ran- if he even knew of the existence of it in the first place or baka kasi sadyang ito lang ang kaya mong itago sa kanya sa takot na mawala siya from you.

“Because I want to protect myself,” you found your voice trembling as his breathing hitched, not really expecting you to finally stop running. “Kasi hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko once that vision of you comes true.”

Eyebrows furrowing, his eyes looked pensive as he patiently waited for you to finish. “Didn't I tell you? You're gonna meet that someone who will make you truly happy. In the words of Nonie, magkakajowa ka na and I know matagal mo siyang hinintay kaya imagine the elation you must've felt nung nakilala mo na siya in my vision. And I'm happy- truly, kasi it means that you're happy. Kaya lang din ako naging distant these days was because I had to deal with my own emotions. These same emotions that I have harbored for a long time for you.”

“Kumbaga, I just had to come in terms of the fact na I can't be the one to give you that amount of happiness,” you whispered, swallowing the sob that was threatening to come out. Your heart beating erratically against your chest and in the silence that crept between you two, you're almost too sure that he can hear it too.

Up until now, your cousin's advise is still hanging above you, making you wonder if it's alright to take his word for it and take the leap. But as you look at Wonwoo's dumbfounded expression, you finally had the answer you were looking for.

“Nevertheless, I'm still going to try.” with this small burst of courage, you dare continue. “I love you, Jeon Wonwoo. Always have been ever since you had approached me first in that small playground. And even if it won't be me who will be there by your side, can I still love you?”

And as your words left your lips, so had the courage that had possessed you momentarily in the heat of the moment. Eyes widening, you blinked as you scrambled to your feet, your picnic laid forgotten as you try and put distance between you and him.

But with the sound of pitter patter of his feet, you knew very well that it would only be a matter of time before he caught up to you. Kung hindi lang seryoso yung situation niyo, malamang napagtawanan mo na siya kung paano na naman siya tumakbo. However, with him catching up to you easily, holding your hand as he turned you towards him, teasing him was the last thing in your mind.

“Look at me,” Wonwoo's voice had dipped lower than his normal baritone, chest heaving from small exertion. “Did you mean what you had just said?”

“You know very well I don't say things that I don't mean,” you mumbled instead, head bowing low. Sorry, Woo pero expired na yung tapang ko kanina, you wanted to say but chose not to as you tried to wiggle yourself out of his grasp much to no avail.

“Look at me,” you could hear the desperation, the pleading that you couldn't help but raise your head as your eyes flitted immediately towards the bridge of his nose. Your safety net, as always. “Come on, look at me. What do you see?”

Fifth, the more attached you are to the person, the harder it is to see their future.

“Wonwoo,” you warned, shaking your head as he let out a small sigh as he pushed his forehead towards you, nudging you gently.

“No?” his voice close to crying- wait, what? “Dali na, please? Look at me and tell me, what do you see?”

Gathering the last of your strength, you gently moved your head, not wanting to pull away from his hold as you stared into his eyes, the familiar warm sensation lulling you into gentle assurance just as it always had been.

“What do you see?”

“Wait lang, ang foggy pa ka-”

“Way past that, love.” his voice firm and impatient. You didn't know what shocked you more- the fact that he's being impatient or the fact that- did he just called you..? “I know you can ignore the fog- dali na, what do you see?”

And just as what he had said, you ignored the fog that was creeping through your sight as you concentrated on what he had wanted to show you.

“...me.”

Letting out a small laugh of relief, his hands made its way towards your cheeks, finally allowing himself to caress you, shaking your head gently before tilting your face to capture your lips with his own.

And just like that, you could feel the cool sensation wrapping you once more- the same sensation that had anchored you before, the rush of air passing by you as the sight of series of his future flashed behind your closed eyes.

His laughter, and his frustrations, the longing, and the dejection, all of it comes down to one reason- you.

As the need for air arise, both of you reluctantly pulled back but not him going for another peck on your lips and on your forehead.

“Just like it's always been, my love.” Wonwoo whispered against your forehead. “Ikaw lang ang nakikita ko sa tabi ko for the rest of my life and I don't need to have your ability to confirm that. It's you and will always be you.”

Ignoring the rush of emotions blooming against your chest, you wrapped your arms around him. “Sorry it took me this long,”

You can imagine him smiling as he placed his head over your own. “Doesn't matter. You're here now, right?”

At loss for words, you simply nodded, letting yourself snuggle against his chest, not caring kahit magmukha pa kayong tanga sa gitna ng quad.

“I love you too,” he mumbled, catching your attention once more. “Please keep staying by my side, okay?”

“Okay,” you answered just as you felt his cool hands tightened around your waist, pulling you closer to him.

You may not know what lies in your future but somehow you had inkling that it would all turn out well.

You forge your own future, after all.

[dollyllama108]

Get to know my Tav!

No one asked for this and I won't pretend they did! Brockley Rob Oleracea | Wood Elf | Circle of the Land Druid | Aggro vegan yoga boy

What is your Tav's…

Favorite Weapon: is the concept of ahimsa, non-harming, a weapon? There's a line in the Sutras that says in the presence of one truly grounded in ahimsa, no violence can occur, and Brocks does his best to emulate that.

Most prized possession: Nah, he's good, thanks. Ascetic.

Deepest desire: See above.

Guilty pleasure: Sometimes picks up rocks and moves them to look at them. Sorry, rocks! He'll put you back when he's done.

Real guilty pleasure: Fine, sometimes he picks leaves. Sorry, plants!

Best-kept secret: Not a himbo and the high wisdom stat isn't merely informed---just doesn't know how to say much more than "oh, okay" and "that sounds like a bad idea."

Greatest strength: Due to making peace with his own death, he is grounded, stable, level-headed, reliable, and can model this behavior for other party members. No angst whatsoever. He will listen to the dying wishes of a rabbit, tell Vlaakith off (shoeless), and help kill Cazador with the same blank smile.

Fatal flaw: Is it that he's poorly socialized and can't communicate after wandering the forest for 250 years? Nah, too easy. He knows how to love, and love deeply, but has spent so much time cultivating his practice of non-attachment, he doesn't know how to act when he finally has something to lose.

Favorite smell: Oh gods, there are so many smells, and all at once. Sensory overload! He does not understand the question.

Favorite spell or cantrip: Spike Growth. Won't say whom, but a certain boss is such a giant ham, he dragged himself back and forth so many times through the spikes while monologuing that even his undead thralls were like, dude stop.

Pet peeve: Everyone else being so horny. First of all, if you're whipping your bits out in the presence of Brockley Rob, you are down bad. Second of all, Brocks has weaponized his disinterest in sex so well, if he responds affirmatively to an advance, run because he's just going to ask a question that tricks you into several hours of talk therapy.

Bad habit: Not wearing shoes. The nautiloid was particularly challenging, there being so many textures on the floor.

Hidden talent: Flexibility equivalent to a practitioner of Ashtanga third series. Reminds everyone to stretch after combat. Chills in a forward fold split to release his back but if someone asks "damn, do you know how to work that" his entire party will say "no" in unison.

Leisure activity: Normal wood elf druid stuff. Record changes in population to ensure balance of predation/herbivory, monitor trees for bark sickness, get owned by songbird for conjuring goodberries wrong, those things. Also he makes soap.

Favorite drink: Clean water!

Comfort food: A stuffed sweet potato with kale and white beans.

Favorite person: Gale knows so much about rocks. Wow. Like. The names of the rocks, and what they're made of, and why they're shiny, and what happens when you pour acid on them.

Favored display of affection: Everyone is furniture when Brockley is around.

Fondest childhood memory: I mean, his entire family left him there and he never saw them again, but it was a pretty fun circus.

Tagging ferosh; I think she deleted her tumblr. Ferosh, tag yourself!