#WHAT AM I EVEN EXPERIECING RIGHT NOW

[hologramcowboy]

"DeLorenzo claims compensatory and punitive damages for physical injuries, pain and emotional distress, among other things. In the complaint, he names Warners, The CW Network and executive producer Jensen Ackles, who starred in Supernatural."

Danneel is also included in this lawsuit and this is the part where Karma teaches Jensen that manipulation, nepotism and greed lead to consequences. Cause and effect. This news is the final nail on the coffin when it comest to my trust towards Jensen as a professional and character wise. It takes me back to his Rust interogation where he was down playing what people were going through and claiming the set was professional.

I hope there will be serious measures taken because playing with the lives of both the crew and cast on set is dangerous. I am hoping some of the actors who had to shoot that day join in on this lawsuit because their lives were at risk too and it would be the right thing to do to set a precedent law wise for the industry and reinforce safety measures.

The fact that Jensen comes from experiecing first hand on the set of Rust what lack of safety measures can lead to makes this even more serious. I hope he will take responsibility and advocate for greater measures on set. Sadly, I doubt he will ever consider the big picture and impact of his actions so he will probably selfishly hide his head under the sand. To the obsessed Jensen stans that are defending him rabidly online over this article, shame on you, you have officially crossed the line into sociopathy by lacking empathy completely. What happened on the TW set is indicative of many forced risks casts and crews live through and those should be resolved to avoid deaths and serious mental as well as physical consequences. If Jensen is the only one you feel empathy for then realize that he could also lose his health or life if he keeps on approving or making choices that subvert safety measures. For once, realize that the world does not revolve around your blind worship of a C list actor, real people are suffering real consequences due to his lack of leadership, empathy and professionalism and you seem to be set on following in this very same path, on being extremely closed off, self absorbed examples of people who lack empathy because they worship ego.

Jensen had already greatly weakened his credibility by giving Danneel a producer vanity tile, now, due to his "production"'s on set negligence, he has put himself in a very shady position and this will greatly impact his castability and professional reputation.

[sarahderpy]

It’s the fact that I’m not for that stuff though?

I’m not OLD but i’m def not young anymore. At the same time i know for sure that I’ve grown and matured mentally to understand what I prefer in life. Maybe not fully need yet but 99 percent of the time I at least know what I absolutely do not want . lol

I most times am sure that Because I had to grow up quick and becmae a mother so young that maybe I dont prefer the ways of most peple my age because I never experienced the wild parts in my younger years. Same time Im crazy glad I didnt go through a lifestyle of the wild because I semi experieced so much of the wild stages way too early . I knew I wasnt a partier even before I became a young mom at just 18/19. I never cared for finding and attending the wildest parties yet somehow ended up at way too many of them off whim. I never liked to drink yet have stories galore of drinking days and nights with friends and people I dated at the time, enough to remind myself that I did have a somewhat experience. The scary part is I did so much of it at way too young of an age. I really don’t always even know how I was in those situations or how I was never questioned most times. And for years after I even questioned how I never became attracted to the party life or had any sort of addictions.

I think after finding out I was pregnant at 18 my senior year, I knew I had to grow up fast. I wish I was grown maturely at that age to know what I was choosing to take on I admit. I had a huge support system and maybe because I was adopted, I knew that my dedication would go towards my daughter and no longer myself. Without judgement but more of a wonder, I see young parents today and watch as they serve their own needs and priorities aside from their parenting life. I say I don’t judge because sometimes I’m more jealous than ever.

I wonder, “ how do they party and vacation and have time for themselves without their kids …. and so often? “. I think its amazing and healthy but I also wonder how that child reflects back on that life . Of course none of my buisness but I do honestly relate it to the feeling I felt as a child whenever my own parents would do things so often without myself and my siblings.

I think knowing again that I’m adopted , I’ve always wondered how the heck my bio parents could have chosen their own needs over the life of my own. I know they did at the time , what was right for them or self help that they needed . But it still makes me wonder of course. And I thankfully and gratefully love the outcome, that I got to be chosen into a new life and family from it. But how do you not wonder ?

Just opinion .. Just a wonder..

How do you know that you are to bring a child into the world , and allow that child to become your side priority . I guess I see something so precious and valuable as a in , a human life that that Id assume or hope would, become your full priority until the age that they are able-so to be on their own path , specifically in this case , the age that according to common law a child is now an adult not just old enough to stay at home . I guess I see, in my opinion, any way other than that as selfishness, but again no judgement.

I get needing to focus on self. My question is if you, yourself, know that you are needing to work on self, and need your life to focus on yourself, priorities for self, how could do you ever imagine bringing a child into the world yet. I guess that was what went through my mind that it was time to grow fast because of what I chose , to become a mother .

I get told often , to find my needs these days and go out and have fun. I hear it as “ UHG just be normal Sarah ! “ or “ fit in !”..

It hard to explain to those that push this to me, that I am happy believe it or not. However there are days where I scream inside asking “ why am I not out , why am I not having fun and doing liek what these others are up to “. AND within seconds I’m giggling because I truly don’t want to have those things. I’m complete with on at the moment. I’m happiest in the comfort of my things. I enjoy the random drives to nowhere special. I prefer finding things new and weird versus planned and budgeted. The thing is I enjoy both the fun life but right now I’m okay ! lol

Okay, yes I enjoy a fun outing or party or meetup. But I also am more so great on the days without the constant plans and gatherings where no one shares the same interests. This is probably where my lack of empathy kicks in, but I don’t want to vent about how shi**y a friend of a friend is or have counseling sessions drunk. lol I’m picky but also I’m fine. I’m good at playing well with everyone but I’m horrible at playing a part especially if it involves playing a character to make the scene complete. I’m not here to impress anyone and way too over to try to fake it to make it . If imma fake anything it Will be announced I promise.

I sometimes wonder how people haven’t grown up yet past the high school phase. Then I wonder why am I still not past the scared life phase. Maybe its easier to keep living in the youth vision for ourselves and to keep that happy level to bypass having to focus on the adult struggles. ANd I get that. Sometimes I wish if I was good at faking anything it would be to live like I never grew up. Maybe at least that way when people assumed that I’m someone that is out there living life like most photos on social media show (and a pic online is only a highlight of page out of a person’s actual life) but that maybe I should be doing as society does and just “Live”.

And back to the part where I’m wondering but for what lol. It’s hard for me to fully explain what I mean writing this as My brain is literally thinking on rapid speed. But I love that I’m on a complete other path that’s what society presents us especially the view that social media engages us to. I love seeing everyone living life the way they intend. I just choose to give mine towards my two priorities that I chose to bring into this world without their asking, as my first need. And I’m not saying that I’m neglecting mine. I’m just not using my own needs the same as the world as a collective might.

ANd thats where I wonder “ uhg sarah, why are you just not nomal ? WHy dont u just make youself fit in “ , and why are yall bullying me ! jk lol Rude. lol

STay Derpy ;p LOL

-Sarah Slurpie

[stormyoceansmain]

PAUSE

PAUSE FOR THE LOVE KF GOD JESUS MARY AND ALL THR FUCKING SAINTS JUST WAIT A GOD DAMN SRCOND

YES I KNOW THIS IS THE BEGINNIBG OF THE SCENE AND IM ALRESFY SCARED FOR WHAT COMES NEXT BUT YOU'RE TWLLING ME

THAT AS SOON AS. BUCK SHOWSD UP /THIS/ VERSE OF THE SONG STARTED

When I'm away, I will remember how you kissed me/Under the lamppost back on Sixth street/Hearing you whisper through the phone/"Wait for me to come home"

AND AS SOON AS IT ENDNED BUCK OPENED TGE DOOR TO FIND EDDIE AND CHRISTOPHER ON THE OTHER SIDE

AND THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT IN THE WORLS WHO DON'T FUCKING SEE HOW ROMANTIC THIS IS???????????????????? TGE WRITERS???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

[the---hermit]

Thesis writing tips from someone who is currently writing their thesis

As I was working on the first chapter of my thesis I realized there's some things to keep in mind in order to make things easier. I am far from having the whole thesis writing experience, but I felt like doing this post now that this first experience is fresh in my mind. There will be other thesis-related posts, for now if you want to check out my thesis work experiece you can read my daily entries on here. The posts in which I have included these entries are all tagged as #thesis diary if you are interested.

When reading articles and sources use different colours to highlight important informations. If you find parts of the text you know you will want to quote in your thesis use a specific colour and tab them. The more precise and accurate you are the easier it will be during the writing process.

Also annotating ideas and thoughts on the margins will help during the writing process, because you will be able to link your own ideas to specific sources that helped you to get there.

Have a separate file with all the footnotes you'll have to include. If you have everything written down, and just have to add the specific pages last minute you will save a lot of time. This way you'll also make sure to have all the footnotes written in the same style (this is a lifesaver, believe me).

In the same way have a separate file with the bibliography you'll have to include at the very end of your thesis. Writing it piece by piece as you add sources to your work will make sure you don't forget any source, and it will make the task less overwhelming.

If when reading articles and sources you write down notes, for the love of god write near each piece of information the exact page you found it on. If you don't you will waste so much time to find it when you'll need it. You can keep your notes in the format you like best, but having the number of pages near everything will save you so much time and work.

The more organized you are when collecting your sources the less time you'll waste when writing. So keep your notes clean, write down even those informations that seem useless at first, make sure to know exactly where you found each article, and so on, you'll thank your past self later.

I found having a notebook fully dedicated to my thesis very useful, to navigate in it quickcly I used big clear headers, tab notes, and an index. This will all become very helpful once you have gathered a lot of informations. The research process is messy, try do everything in your power to make it as organized and as clear as you can. (I am going to create a post dedicated to my thesis notebook, so keep an eye out for that if you are interested).

When you add things to part of the text you had wrote already make sure right way that the footnotes are still accurate. The more you pay attention to it right away the less confusing it will be later. If for example in a footnote you referred to the previous, and add a new one in the middle, things could get confusing so try to keep an eye out for these things as you do them.

Having a rough plan of the structure of your thesis can be helpful to know how to refer to certain elements in the text. I'll use my own thesis as an example, I am writing about some witchcraft accusations. Knowing where in the text there is going to be the first proper exposition of the facts is helpful to know how much context I have to give when writing about people or facts in other parts of the thesis.

Do you have interesting and useful informations that don't fit perfectly with the main body of your text? Footnotes are your bestfriends, you can add insight, comments, further explanations, without breaking the flow of the text.

Make sure each chapter starts with an introduction of what you are about to discuss, and end it with a small summary of what you said. This will make your writing look much more intentional, and ties in everything nicely together. Once you are sure of the order of the chapters you should also tie the chapters together, by hinting to the next one in the conclusion of each one.

I feel like these are all the potentally useful thing I have realized during my work so far. There's surely much more to be said, and as I learn more, I will make sure to share the useful informations I get. As mentioned I am currently working on a thesis notebook post! Till then I hope this was somewhat useful, thank you for reading!

[writingmyanxietyaway]

Take me with you | Denver

Requested by anon: Can you do a fic with denver where the girl is best friends with denver and goes with the code name amsterdam and that denver is secretly in love with her

Word count: 1.6k

Warning: panic attack, mention of death

Note: takes place in the first/second season

------------

You weren’t supposed to end up here, hell, you didn’t even know how you got here. One minute you were waiting at the bus stop, the second you were in a car with a strange man telling you you were going to be a millionair. You were not the agressive type, you didn’t even speak when you weren’t asked anything. It wasn’t particularly shyness, you just liked to keep to yourself.

So here you were, in the middle of a heist with a gun in your hands with people you had to blindly trust to get out of here alive. It was a certain thrill you hadn’t experienced before. You loved the rush of knowing the police could burst through the doors any second. What you absolutely hated was that there were so many hostages. You wanted nothing more than to tell them it was just a cover up of what you were actually doing, but you couldn’t. And something told you that if you did, you would not make it out alive.

‘So, what happens now, you ask? We’re only just getting started. In two hours the big party will finally begin! Which means that in two hours, you’re no longer use to us. But what happens then, will be a surprise. It’s going to be an experiece of a life time!’ Berlin yelled at the hostages. You were on the stairs with Denver, weapons in your hands. Your heart broke when you saw one of the students break down and tried to go to her, but Denver’s firm hand stopped you.

‘You can’t. Not now. We’re so close. Don’t ruin this,’ he whispered. He knew exactly what you were thinking and you loved that about him, but now it was something you despised.

‘She’s having a panic attack, Denver. If she doesn’t get any help, she’ll pass out and who knows what happens then? We don’t know her medical history.. What if she gets a heart attack and dies?’ you hissed. He knew you were going no matter how hard he tried to stop you.

‘That’s a bit extreme, Am,’ he said.

‘That’s what I thought about mom too and she ain’t here to tell you it was just a small panic attack, is she?’ you choked and ripped your hand away from him. He looked guilty and his heart ached for you. 

Your mother had had a panic attack while she was driving home from work. Fortunately, she was quick enough to get the car to the side of the road, but the panic attack turned out to be a heart attack and she died not even ten minutes later. You didn’t know she was in bad condition, but it turns out the doctor had told her this could happen. Stubborn as she was, she ignored it and thought of it as just a ‘minor pressure to the chest’. If she had just listened, maybe she would still be here.

You flew down the steps and just like you expected, Berlin grabbed you by the waist and snatched you towards him.

‘And what do you think you’re doing, pretty girl?’ You gagged at the nickname and pushed him off you.

‘She’s having a panic attack. So I’m going over,’ you stated. It wasn’t a question, no, you were going and that was it.

‘Did I tell you you could go to her?’ he sneered. You stepped towards him and leaned in close.

‘You don’t tell me what to do, oldie,’ you hissed. That seemed to shock him, so you quickly went down the stairs and went to the little girl. The hostages were terrified when you passed them and you did your best to smile at them, giving them some kind of sign you were not one of the bad guys.

‘Hey, hey, look at me,’ you whispered. She was trembling and her hands were shaking. You took them in your warm hands, not before taking your gloves off. Skin to skin contact always used to work whenever you had a panic attack. You sat down in front of her and tried to make contact with her.

‘You’re okay. Nothing is going to happen, I’ll make sure of that. We’re not here to hurt you, honey. Can you breathe for me?’ you whispered, genuine concern spread over you face. ‘Could someone hold her hands? I’ll be right back, okay?’ Her teacher quickly switched placed with you while you grabbed a bottle of water and a rag. While wetting the rag, you caught the eye of Denver who was looking at you with pride. He smiled at you and nodded, which gave you the reassurance you needed. You were doing something good while the trauma of your mother’s accident still haunted your mind.

‘This is going to feel a little cold, okay?’ you told her, while placing the wet rag on her forehead. She shivered, but when you took over from her teacher and held her hands again, she seemed to calm down a little. You laid her on the floor, an extra suit propped op under her head. Fortunately, she could look you in the eyes again and you smiled softly.

‘We’re not going to hurt you. You’ll be home before you know it, I promise. It all looks scary now, but it’s all just show. I can’t even fire a gun,’ you joked and she giggled. You placed a hand on her cheek and she looked at you the same way you had looked at the police officer when he told you the news about your mother. Scared and scarred. ‘I’ll keep you safe. All of you,’ you stated. She nodded and soon enough she was back to her old self. You gave her another water bottle and squeezed her hands, nodding at the teacher next to her before you went back up the steps again.

‘That was quite the rescue mission, pretty face,’ Berlin whispered on your way back, a smirk plastered on his face.

‘Go to hell, Berlin.’

--

‘Hey, how are you feeling?’ 

You turned your head and saw the familiar face of your best friend. He sat down next to you on the couch and you subconsciously leaned your head on his shoulder. It gave you a piece of comfort you didn’t realise you needed.

‘I’m okay, I think. Just a little worn out. I’m just glad I could help her,’ you told him. He had his hand on your thigh and you fiddled with his fingers. His heart jumped a little at your touch. The man was head over heels for you, but you were completely oblivious to his feelings. You had been in love with him for a while, but you never told him - you were scared it would break the special relationship you already had.

‘Sorry I snapped at you. You didn’t deserve that.’

He chuckled, ‘It’s okay, I shouldn’t have said that. I know it’s still a sore spot.’

You sighed and closed your eyes. ‘I just wish she had listened to the doctors. Then it might have happened later, but then at least I got a chance to say goodbye... She always told me that if I turned 18 we’d go to Amsterdam. Apparently I have some family there. She’d show me pictures of the canals, the little cafè’s, the museums,’ you rambled. Denver listened. He loved to hear you talk. Whether it was about your mother, your favourite tv show or how beautiful the sun shone, he didn’t care. He had always dreamt of you two being together, holding you close, waking up in bed together and snuggling up because the world outside your bedroom was cold and chilly. How he would make you breakfast in bed or how beautiful you would look on your wedding day. He couldn’t wait for you to be his.

‘.. So that’s why I’m Amsterdam,’ you finished, a soft smile on your face as you could imagine yourself going there.

‘You know we weren’t supposed to get personal, right. The Professor will have our head,’ he chuckled. You giggled and shrugged your shoulders.

‘Oh well, at least we’ll go down together.’ You lifted your head to look at him and he stared back at you. There was something so intimate about this moment. Such a fragile yet strong connection between the two of you. You didn’t know if you just imagined it, but he leaned in closer. Your heart was racing and your mind spinning.

‘Take me with you, to Amsterdam. I want nothing more than to spend every second of the rest of my life with you. I want to wake up next to you and see the sun shine on your face. I want to see every side of you, ugly parts included. I want to be there when you tell me you want to marry me. Please, make me yours,’ Denver whispered. It was the first time you had seen him so vulnerable, so small. It shocked you, yes, but it made you want him even more. Not being able to reply, you just leaned in and kissed him. He instantly wrapped his arms around you and laid you back on the couch. The kiss was full of love. It was so tender, so intimate. You pulled back, biting your lip.

‘There is nothing I want nothing more.’

[penname-artist]

Use Paper Bag As Needed

I am making an anxiety scale for myself because it’s getting janky again and I’m in need of a way to explain how bad it feels. Behold. Numbers and shit.

- 0 (Blue) This is the line between feeling anxious and not feeling anxious. Zero is no anxiety, everything is feelin’ mighty fine and you have no feelings of “panik” in the brain right now. It’s all good!

- 1 (Green) A general sense of anxiousness has begun to course through your body, but honestly, it’s so minute that you might as well forget that it’s even there. (Side note: this and 2 are what most NORMAL people experience)

- 2 (Yellow) Hello, you have anxiety! This is the threshold of “hm, this is kinda noticable and an annoyance to me”. This is also the point where you’ll feel the physical properties of it, like having a tightness in your stomach, sweating, nausea, and the desperate need to move and fidget with shit.

- 2.5 (Light Orange) Made purely to identify an in-between place I often get stuck in. This is what I am gonna call Stubborn Anxiety, because this is the feeling of “it’s really bad, but I can’t seem to get it to go away”. There’s always a sinking feeling in your stomach and no matter how much you try to ignore it, guess what? You’re sitting on the edge! (Hello, I live here.)

- 3 (Orange) It’s the time for bodily quaking and cold feet, y’all. This is where most normies are at their functional limit, and it’s when you absolutely know you are a situation away from panic, so you must find a way to evactuate now before it grows too heavy.

- 4 (Red) It’s crying time, everybody! Get out your napkins and go lock yourselves in bathroom stalls, because it’s time to get emotional! The big difference between this version and a 5 is that here, you are still grounded in reality and you’re still able to button yourself back up when it’s over. This is you just dumping out the water at the top of your emotional tolerances glass and feeling better now that the weight is finally off of you. Not pleasant by any means, but if this is the worst you’ve experienced in your life I pray you never experience the suffering that is a 5.

- 5 (Black) Full-blown panic attack. This is the peak of anxiety pain and it is nothing short of fucking exhausting. Welcome to “I cannot fucking breathe”, “what is reality”, and curling up into a little heaving sponge ball on the floor for an hour. It would be fine if you could just cry and then feel better. At a 5, you need to actually go lay down for a little while and coming down off of the attack will take much more time to recharge. I reckon that if you’re an individual who has experieced this level before, you’ve probably got or at some point had a mental health condition, because low and behold most attacks to this degree are from the brain having a problem within itself. My condolences to those who have also braced these storms, please take care of yourselves and do nothing irrational.

-

As of late I have forgotten what level 0 even is because I’ve been bouncing around from 1 to 3 on a whim the last couple of weeks. But hey, good news! I emailed a counsellor again! Eh, eh? Exciting update. But the main reason is because I just discovered something that could very well change my whole mental health ballgame. In short, yeah I am pretty confident I’ve been previously misdiagnosed and, well. It might be worse than I thought it was. Much fun. But I’ll leave updates as that unfolds more.

[msbarrows]

Cataracts - What Surgery Is Like

As previously mentioned, I’d developed cataracts and am now going through surgery for them, and have elected to document a bit about what it’s all like from my viewpoint. Mostly because I think it’d make a nice reference for anyone wanting to write with some degree of accuracy about what it’s like from the inside.

This post contains a description of the surgical process involved and what that actually feels like, I’m trying not to be overly graphic but I’m also not elliding over any of the grosser bits (thankfully and surprisingly very little).

First off, a descriptiong of the preliminaries. This started for me with my vision going blurry over the last couple of years, and finally getting around to visiting my old optomitrist when I happened to be in Toronto over last Christmas (as my one up north just retired a couple years ago, and I hadn’t replaced her yet). Of the several potential causes for the vision loss I was experiecing, what I had turned out to be cataracts, of the variety that occurs at the back of the lens and therefor doesn’t cause easily-visible clouding. Which I actually said “Oh, thank god!” to when the optomitrist told me, since they are the absolute easiest thing to fix, while some of the other options (detached retina, or diabetes-related macular degradation, to name a couple) are much less so. Then he gave me a reference to an opthamologist. Thanks to COVID-19, it was this fall before I was finally able to actually get to the clinic and see her.

From my point of view, the process then went pretty quickly. Note that I was at an eye institute that specializes in cataract treatment; everything is contained in one building (a nicely renovated Victorian brick house in the Annex area of Toronto). So all tests and surgery are done on premises.

First appointment there, they did the same sort of vision tests my optomitrist generally does, plus some extra inner-eye photography to get a good look at what was going on. This was done by two different people, one doing the eye-chart related tests and a different one doing the photography. Then I met briefly with my doctor, who looked over my questionnaire (which included questions like whether near, mid, or distance vision was most important to me, and was there a focal distance I particularly needed to be glasses free for, etc.), and that I didn’t need nor have interest in a lens replacement that wasn’t covered under our provincial health care.

A week later I returned for them to perform eye measurement tests, which are used as a basis for manufacturing the replacement lens. They measure the size and shape of the eye, and mostly just involved staring into various machines while photos are taken. The weirdest one, which they did last, involved dripping numbing drops into my eyes, and then lightly pressing a small sensor to multiple places both directly on the eyeballs and then on the closed lids. Something to do with viscosity I’d assume.

And now for a description of the general surgical process, which you can also find summarized (or in more detail) at a number of medical web sites. In my case, it was a pretty basic surgery being performed; the opthamologist needed to make a small slit in the outer layer of my eye, used a tiny probe to break down the lens using ultrasound waves, vacuum out the broken down lens, then use a largish needle to insert a folded plastic lens into the eye, where it would unfold within the capsular space and could be tweaked as needed into the correct position. The cut in the eye is tiny enough that it usually doesn’t even need stitching, apparently.

I was asked to arrive at a specific time, and had to start applying dilating drops to my eyes an hour, half-hour, and five minutes before leaving for the clinic. No nail polish or facial makeup. Preferable wearing comfortable pants and a loosely short-sleeved button front shirt without any undershirt or long underwear beneath it (which turns out to be a “just in case things go crazily sideways” measure; they didn’t actually need to access anything on my torso).

The first step after I arrived at the clinic was being dressed in PPE - one of their own disposable masks to be sure I was wearing a good enough one (that wasn’t coated in whatever mine had picked up outside), a hair cap, a long-sleeved thigh-length blue plasticized robe (it had thumb holes to prevent the sleeves from slipping), and booties over my shoes.

Then I was taken to their surgical floor, where a nurse began a series of eye drops. These included more dilation, an antispectic, and an antibiotic, that I can remember - multiple drops of all. She also gave me a teeny tiny pill to place under my tongue and let dissolved, which contained a small dose of a relaxant/anti-anxiety med (Sorry, she told me the name of it at the time but it’s dropped out of my memory). I didn’t notice any particular change in my mood, but then I’d been counting slow deep breaths since arriving (4 seconds in, 4 seconds out...) to help keep myself relaxed and give myself something to focus on that wasn’t omfg I’m going to be awake during this! Because yeah, not having a clue what it was going to be like was stressful. Nurse also took my blood pressure to be sure I was fine in that regards, and put a sticker on the gown to remind the doctor that it was my right eye being done that day.

After a brief wait, I was moved into one of the surgical theatres, where there was a dentist chair they sat me in, then connected a blood pressure cuff, fingertip monitor (hence the no nail polish rule) and sensors on the backs of both hands and one ankle (I’m assuming those were measuring a mix of blood oxygenation and heartbeat, with the ankle one making sure my feet were still getting blood when I was spending the surgery in what ended up as a tipped-over-backwards with head lowest position). They then rinsed my eye and the orbital area with bactine (very yellow vision while that happens), then patted the area around the eye dry.

The doctor sat at my head, and applied a medical drape with a pre-cut adhesive-edged opening over my eye, then peeled off a translucent applique that was over the hole. Then they applied medical clamps that held my eyelids in the open position (which thanks to the numbing drops, I didn’t feel at all). A brightly lighted microscope was then positioned over the eye, and I was told to stay as still as possible and stare at the red dot in the lighted area. The doctor then did the surgery as described above. From my point of view, there was very little to feel; occasional dull pressure, some random coldness that I believe was the eye being irrigated. I could hear the occasional very quiet noise the probe made as the lens was sucked away, but mostly it was just staring at the red light as well as I could while my vision distorted oddly and I continue counting breaths. Within what felt like no more than 5-10 minutes (if that), it was all over with.

They had me continue to lie there for a couple minutes while they peeled off the drape, wiped the eye area clean, and removed all the sensors, then a brief rest before having me sit up.

I blinked once or twice, and... DAMN! Sudden near-perfect vision in an eye that hasn’t seen clearly without help since I was in single digit ages. And the saturation. The detail.

Now, my left eye of course still has a cataract (it gets treated next week). I’d been telling people for a while that basically all my right eye was seeing was blur, so my left eye was doing most of the seeing, and I thought my left eye wasn’t anywhere near as bad as my right. With my right eye now seeing perfectly, I could now alternate opening eyes from side to side, and see just how badly (and irregularly) blurred and yellowed the left lens actually is. To which I can only saw, WTF, how was I even seeing anything at all!?

Then they had me sit for a while in the waiting area, where the doctor came and double-checked I was fine, and gave me a kit in a plastic bag of a card that identifies that I have an interocular lens (and info about it), a prescription for two different eye drops (antibiotic and anti-inflamatory) which was enough for both this eye and the eye getting operated on next week, and a shield to wear at night for the first five nights, to be sure I don’t accidentally rub it or put pressure on it.

Then I put on sunglasses (because hugely dilated eye) and walked out.

Side note - they won’t do your operation unless you have a ride home arranged; because that tiny pill means you’re in a slightly altered state, among other reasons. Good thing it was my brother and not, say, a taxi, since among other things it took us three drugstores to find one that actually had both kinds of eyedrops in stock, yay super fun.

Also, remember me talking about the starburst rays I was seeing around lights due to cataracts? While my eye was still dilated (which lasted until after midnight) I was seeing what I can only describe as ‘Ferris wheels’ - a burst of  rays expanding out like the spokes of a wheel, and ending in an uneven ring of dots of bright light, each wheel matching the colour of the light causing it. Looked wild at night. Thankfully that effect has now gone away.

Had a follow-up appointment this morning where they did an eye chart and the rebounce test where they puff air at your cornea, and the opthamologist says the vision in that eye tested as 20/20 (WOOO! Finally something good with that number). I can see sharply and clearly for blocks from the mid-range on out. Sadly when I try to use my computer, tablet, etc (near-range and close vision) the eye can’t focus down far enough; some of that may improve over the next month or two as the eye continues healing, and adapting to the lens. In the meantime my sister suggested I try a pair of her reading glasses and, yay, that worked. I am now planning that after my follow-up appointment for next week’s surgery on the left eye, I’ll run around and pick up 2-3 pairs of reading glasses of various strengths (which I will get will depend on what seems to work best with arm’s length and close-in viewing), to carry me through until I go back to an optomitrist in a month or three, and get my vision evaluated to see if I need actual prescription reading and/or far distance glasses.

In the meantime, apart from computer/tablet use, I am glasses free. I can’t even remember ever having such sharp, clear, and saturated vision (since I’ve been in glasses for such a long time). You know the “oh, trees are made of leaves!” effect? I am getting that with every single thing I look at. Oh, that’s how much grey is in my hair? Weird, I never noticed this wall was textured before. Oh geez, that text over there is so small and yet I AM READING IT. I mean, even with glasses I probably was never able to read that from this distance! Etc ad infinitum.

It’s just so, so nice.

And that’s with just one eye finished. I am now really looking forward to next week’s surgery. Stress? What stress!?

[dogsliampaynedoesntinstagram]

Nick Jonas doubled down on his stance as a straight ally after queer baiting accusations, even though I've heard firsthand he's closeted. He's someone who I doubt will ever "come out" (he's also in a PR marriage).With the way H has navigated his closet more recently, being more explicit in his attraction to men while also confirming Camille as an ex-gf, and the way he has not clarified his stance as a straight ally, despite some similar criticism, I wonder what that means. I do find the way 1/3

fandom has always framed the end-all-be-all as this big coming out, but I've never found that useful. I still think that there is a large possibility that will never happen. If Harry or Louis ever come out, it would not be to confirm "Larry is real" and this also negates the fact that so many celebs go their whole life without ever coming out of the closet, and I don't think it's against their will. I just find people in the fandom love to speculate on when they will come out and how they 2/3

will do it as if it's inevitable, and I just don't see it that way at all. I'm not sure if you've discussed your thoughts on if/how HL would ever come out, but I would love to hear them if you have any. 3/3

*********

There’s a lot here anon - and I’ll try and say a little bit about what I think.

The first thing to understand the current environment for celebrities coming out.  Celebrities are coming out more than they used to, but they tend to be younger and not to have actively performed heterosexuality as part of being in the closet.  The effect of this has been to erase any structural elements of the closet.  Coming out is presented as an individual choice, as opposed to something that is mandated by structures of power within the industries involved.

The last person I can think of who publicly performed heterosexuality and then came out was Kristen Stewart.  But she’s never denied her past - it just sits there and people can believe what they want about it.  

What hasn’t happened for a while (and I’d be interested if anyone can think of any examples) is someone saying ‘I’m gay and the story I was telling about myself before was a lie’.  Ricky Martin is the last person I can think about who came out, and made it clear that the relatioship history he had told publicly wasn’t true (this is leaving out people who were clearly outted like Phillip Schofield).

That’s a very tricky envrionment for Harry and Louis to navigate if they’re together and want to come out.  It would be possible I think for them to tell a story that didn’t present everything about their dating life as a lie (definitely possible for Harry and with enough lead time also possible for Louis). But trying to do that would be high risk, because lots of people won’t believe it - and will talk about how they don’t believe it - and there’s a risk of journalists runnig aritcles about why they won’t believe it.

But things won’t necessarily stay as they are now.  Celebrity changes and the experieces of being a public LGBTQ person change.  It maybe that in five years time celebrities are much more able to expose the nature of the celebrity closet in the 2010s. We live in an incredibly unstable time - the idea that we can predict what will happen in the short term is absurd - the medium term is unthinkable.  And there are all sorts of ways that current events could ricochet and create a different environment for LGBTQ celebrities.

We don’t know what they want, we don’t know how they see this, and I try really hard not to pretend that I do know.  But when thinking about whether they might come out - it’s useful to think about things that they might want that would be difficult if they remained in the closet.

First, I may be wrong about this, but I think Louis will struggle to be an interesting popstar in the closet.  And in the current environment you gotta be interesting to get any traction.  

Second, I think it’s very difficult for them to have children together, if they don’t come out.  If either of them were with someone non famous, or even someone famous where the relationship was under a little bit less surveillance, then there are all sorts of possibilities to have kids. But if they stayed together long term, I think they’d have to choose (certainly if either of them was living a public life of any sort).  

Finally, it may be the circles we move in (I have quite a restricted dash), but I don’t see a lot of discussion of coming out on my dash.  What I saw instead - was large parts of fandom turning on a dime.  When it became untenable for those with a grasp on music industry contracts to argue that they were closeted entirely because of their contracts.  I suddenly saw lots of arguments about privacy and their desire for privacy across my dash.  I think it’s very obvious that they have reclaimed a lot of privacy.  But I think it’s a huge leap to claim that that’s the reason that they haven’t come out, partiucularly when there’s a much more obvious answer.

I’m a materialist girl, and so I am going to look at what’s going on financially first, and there’s a huge amount of money on the line for Harry’s career.  I think it’s unfortunate that fandom refuses to discuss that, because I think the implications of that refusal are quite fucked up.  I think there’s a reasonably strong belief that it wouldn’t be OK that Harry is closeted, because a huge part of his audience is invested in a romantic fantasy boyfriend version of him.  And that’s why people don’t talk about the extremely obvious, because they don’t want to acknowledge it.  But I think that ends up blaming LGBTQ people for their oppression. If society cuts off opportunities for queer entertainers if they come out (which it does), the problem there is society.  And I think it’s really homophobic to suggest that there are wrong ways of navigating the closet. 

Ultimately I don’t think the line of question you focus on - how should fans talk about their closet in the future - is a particularly useful one. Thefuture was always unknowable, and feels much more unknowable than ever right now.  We don’t know what Harry or Louis’ short, medium, or long term plans are.  Or what might change so they end up living completely different lives from what they imagine.  I think there is a lot to say about the closet in the present (and their recent past), there’s no need to suggest we know what 2025, let alone 2035 will look like (or not look like).  

[csa-survivor-confessions]

What are obsessive thoughts?

Obsessive thinking is an inability to control and cope with recurring, distressing thoughts, and images. The process may be mildly distracting or absorbing. Obsessive thoughts and images are part of a complex network of cognitive distortions, feelings, sensations, dysregulation, behavioural routines, and traumatic experiences.

Rumination is caused by past events. It is a preoccupation with perceived mistakes, losses, slights, and regrets. The feelings associated with obsessive rumination are guilt, regret, anger and self-criticism.

Thought spirals refer to those moments when we start down an obsessive thought pattern and get stuck unable to act and often freeze up.

Skills in The Moment

Break The Spiral:

When you notice the thought spirals begin, do something physical. Stomp your foot, clap your hands and even say “no” out loud. This action can break it better than trying to logic yourself out of the spiral. The physical action brings in all parts of our body and connections through our nervous system. This helps engage the brain-body connection, gives sensory input, proprioceptive input (awareness of self and movement) and allows our body to release some tension.

Move your brain to something else after you try to notice your might be spiralling. I suggest games like Sudko or other things that require our brain to shift to other thought patterns is good for rumination and intrusive thoughts.

Use media, books or music that can distract you more as a preventive. Avoid triggering content. Something that requires focus is the best, but if you are feeling fatigued, choose something with emotional effects. Choose media with separate emotions from the ones invoked by the obsessive thoughts.

Trauma Skills:

Thoughts tied to trauma linked with the same memory processing errors that come with traumatic effects on our brain skills to deal with flashbacks can help with this

“Katniss Skill”

Something we came up with based on a scene in the book Hunger Games: Mockingjay. This comprises reminding yourself of the facts you know and that we experiencing the abuse. This can redirect our thoughts, combat the flashbacks and pull us back. This skill helps with depersonalization and identity issues. Combine this with breathing exercises for the best result.

Example:

“My name is Jen, I am in Kentucky, I’m 17, I’m in my school dinner hall, I am with my friend Tylor, I’m from Tennessee, I have a brother named Milo. ”

Affirmations

When looking at them in a grounding context these are used to try and bring a sense of control and invoke some of our power. We can use them here to change our patterns and current perspective. I suggest combining it with a break the cycle skill like using physical action.

Notice the obsessive nature of the thoughts: My thoughts are not fighting me, i’m not crazy i’m experiecing a real symptom.

Remind Yourself you are not in control of these thoughts: These thoughts are not in my control i do not have to control them.

Remind yourself you are in control of how you respond: I am in control of only what i do. I do not have to do anything with these thoughts or recognize what you can do to handle them (eg use my coping skills)

Remind yourself when and where you are: I am not a little kid, i’m an adult, it’s the morning, abuse is not happening now.

Invoke your power: My emotions, fears, thoughts and feelings are real and valid. But i still have power in my life.

Somatic Skills:

Somatic, meaning body sensations, related to our thoughts and emotions. Trying to look at how we can use our bodies to calm our minds is key to being able to handle distress caused by obsessive thoughts.

Dysregulation of our nervous system and emotions tied to cognitive distortions like obsessive thoughts inextricably. Because of this, we have to help our bodies regulate. Caring for our bodies and cognition at once is the best way to fall into thought spirals less while experiencing less distress.

2-to-1 Breathing

This practice helps give us a path to regularity and engaging the parasympathetic system. It also requires a powerful redirect of focus to our breathing and how it feels. Knowing how proper breathing works is useful to know when we are becoming dysregulated. This is hard to do during flashbacks or mid panic attacks, most effective before or after the most extreme point until it becomes second nature.

Remember diaphragmatic breaths, and try to either sit or stand as straight as possible!

Steps:

Count the duration of both exhalation and inhalation as you breathe normally and adjust it gently so you are exhaling and inhaling for the same amount of time. Most people are comfortable with a count of 3 or 4 counts for each exhalation and inhalation. So one full breath lasts for a count of either 6 or 8. So you are breathing in 4 and exhaling 4 counts.

Now, without altering the duration of the total breath cycle, adjust your breathing by slowing the exhalation and gently quickening the inhalation to achieve a 2-to-1 ratio. For a breath lasting 6 counts, this means exhaling for 4 and inhaling for 2. For 8, you can adjust slightly, exhaling for 6 and inhaling for 3.

Sensory Integration Tools

Sensory integration tools otherwise called sensory aids or toys are objects that calm people down via acting on the senses to affect the nervous systems in stress states. In this context, when we are dysregulated when our thoughts become stuck in spirals of obsessive thoughts point to a point of dysregulation. These tools can bring our bodies back into a state of regulation. It can also prevent ending up hyperaroused and hopefully prevent falling into flashbacks or panic after we have obsessive thoughts.

Examples can be found in this article Coping Skills: Sensory Aids

Progressive Muscle Relaxation

This exercise can take a while and will need to be done a few times for it to be as effective. This might be uncomfortable to start with if you have strong traumas associated with certain body parts. But is useful to release stress before, during, or after episodes of stress. It can also be helpful to see where the most tension is held and understand the types of stress. The full version is difficult if you are in a crisis, but modified versions of tightening muscles can have similar effects.

Start by finding a safe place. Laying down or sitting in a comfortable chair. Take five deep, slow breaths.

The first step is applying muscle tension to a specific part of the body. This step is essentially the same regardless of which muscle group you are targeting.

First, focus on the target muscle group, for example, your left hand. Next, take a slow, deep breath and squeeze the muscles as hard as you can for about 5 seconds.

As you tense, the muscle group breath in and as you let the tension our breath out with it.

Radical Acceptance

Let yourself have these thoughts, take a deep breath, let yourself have these thoughts. Tell yourself that this is all right, this is where you are, you recognize that. Tell yourself that right now you do not have to take up this thought. But then take another breath and imagine them leaving your brain, right. You are not your thoughts.

This is something that takes practice, accepting the situation sucks but is important to healing. You can’t change anything by refusing to recognize it’s happening or being angry at yourself for “acting this way”.

If your thoughts are often part of catastrophizing logic talk you can use that to help. Obsessive thoughts about natural disasters. Remind yourself how unlikely something is to happen, so not number one priority might help, remind yourself “it is valid to worry, but maybe not so much right this second.”

Long Term Skills:

Remember many people experience obsessive thoughts for a variety of reasons and you are not broken or wrong for struggling.

Ditching value on how you are handling obsessive thoughts allows other coping skills to work. This is also key to healing the wider negative perceptions abuse left us with. Negative self-perception and wider cognitive distortions can also be brought to a healthier place through ditching value judgments. You can read our article on this topic Coping Skills: Ditch Value Judgments

Know some of your obsessive thoughts come from trauma. They do not define you; they are part of your experience, not all of it. It is tied to the neurological changes, altered world views, information processing and self-perception. We can learn to view our abuse and the world with a clear head from a place of healing.

The emotional aspects of this are just as important as the cognitive distortions that are part of this. Your thoughts, emotions and physical sensation are all needed to be healthy and to heal.

Learn about what you’re dealing with. Understanding what is going on within us offers us power.

Diagnosis Primer: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

Informational Article: Being Our Whole Selves Brain & Body

Symptom Explainers: Flashbacks

Ask for help. From family members, support groups or professionals. You do not have to do this alone ever.

And lastly, know that you are blessed, important and loved.

[jmeddows2]

You (Roger Taylor x fem!Reader)

This is my Halloqueen gift for @mezzomercury​ Happy belated Halloween! I’m so sorry I couldn’t make it on time,but here it is. I’m really nervous about it ARGHH  @dtfrogertaylor​ Summary: Reader is an opera singer, with a chaotic manager with just the right contacts in the industry  Warnings: only a bit of swearing, else we have Fred and Reader become best friends, fluff Word count: 2k+ Notes: sorry for mistakes, english is not my first language Roger is single and childless in this story! The Duck House really exists and Queen used to stay there quite frequently when recording in Montreux :)

You were supposed to get a real job with a purpose, regarding the field you were actually educated in, but Steve, your manager had quite the reputation. Especially in terms of missing dates and mixing things up, making him the chaotic mess of a man that he naturally was. As an opera singer, that’s just started out, you struggled with auditions. Steve’s lack of time management was rather poor, that sometimes he wouldn’t tell you about the most important auditions in time, or miss most of them, because they just weren’t on his radar. If it wasn’t for all the contacts in the industry Steve apparently had, you would have run for the hills ages ago. One day, when Steve waltzed into the office to your meeting, which of course he was again late to, he was restless, jumping from one foot to the other. "I have it. This is going to be IT for you.” He explained it as a project. To 'expand’ your horizon, to fill your CV with something, that would make your future opportunities skyrocket from 0 to 100. .....to stand in for the band Queen as a background singer (in case of use)...... living, food and drinks provided.... is what the contract read ...should not be opposed to beer and fun. Must be flexible and be available to fly out during the time period of recording from June 1981 - March 1982. Place: Montreux, Switzerland. The few black letters on white seemed to get even more ridiculous throughout the over 100 page contract. But also funny. Mainly ridiculous though. Being crammed up in a recording studio in Montreux, Switzerland as an "option of use” wasn’t exactly your idea of a job. Or at least not what you were aiming for at the moment. The numbers with a 5 digit payment that crested the contracts last page, made you rethink the whole deal though, much to Steve’s joy. So you agreed. Your first encounter with Freddie, Brian, John and Roger was weird. Well, not with Freddie, Brian and John. They were all kind and excited to get to know you better. Roger was another thing. He didn’t even look at you or recognize you when you all gathered in one of the temporary Queen offices, to go over all the details. He was too distracted reading through the schedule for the upcoming months. It felt more like he pretended to be interested in the schedule on his lap, while absentmindedly toying with the pen between his fingers. You later found out, that he was dealing with the aftermaths of a really ugly breakup. Montreux, Switzerland You arrived at Geneva airport on a cold January morning, approximately 7 months after your first encounter with the band. Your personal driver was already awaiting you with a sign that read your name in capital letters. He had a wide grin plastered on his face. The exclusivity didn‘t stop there though. The one hour ride from the airport straight to the recording studio in the black limousine felt more like 10 minutes. A bottle of champagne, a few snacks and the heated leather seats in the car that made you feel oh so comfortable, may have been the reason why time passed so quickly. The nervous feeling crept back into your mind, as soon as the driver dropped you off in front of the casino, in which the recording studio was located.  The recording studio was situated in the basement. As you pushed the door open, there was only a friendly security guard in the foyer, checking your ID.  "Hi love, are you lost?“ It was Roger. His hair was a bit shorter than the last time you‘d seen him. "Oh hi, no actually, I‘m supposed to be here. As a background singer“ The uncertain tone in your voice made it sound more like a question. "uhh, I received a call to come out here. We had a meeting a few months ago“ Roger looked confused, but not bothered by your presence at all. "Well, be my guest then“ he awkwardly shook your hand and gestured for you to make you feel comfortable. "Where are you from uhm?“ "Micaela. Born and raised in New York City“ “A NYC girl?  pretty sure you’ve got some stories to tell” he teased.  “I’m sure not nearly as many as you” You got right back at him. That was something Roger highly valued. The wit, someone who’s not afraid to speak up. He smiled to himself and soon after Fred, Brian and John entered the studio as well. They each greeted you warmly.  Freddie was very excited to have you on board. When he wasn’t busy recording, as a fellow opera enthusiast, him and you always found something to talk about. Or it was rather having Freddie listen to all the stories you had in store, even if it was just a few. It almost felt like telling bed time stories to a child, seeing his dark, beautiful eyes light up, even at the slightest mention of words like ‘stage’, ‘orchestra’, ‘costumes’ or ‘opera’ in general. "I’m going to be honest with you, darling” Freddie said, as he took a seat beside you on the couch, while Roger was banging his drums frustratingly to the already finished guitar and bass backing track of ‘Las Parablas de Amor’ in the recording booth.  "We don’t actually need your beautiful vocals here” Freddie patted your thigh gently.  "You’re kidding, right? Why am I here then?” "I thought you may enjoy a little holiday out here. You know, there’s great spa resorts around town. And you could do some small assistant work, nothing hard or bad, I promise! No, I promise on Montserrat Caballé, so you really know I’m not joking” he swore. Well, you couldn’t say no now.

Out of nowhere there was a loud crash. You turned around to see Roger tossing his drum sticks across the room, nearly hitting John in the head. Roger continued to throw casette tapes around, that were properly lined up on the shelf nearby. “I’m done with this. It sounds like a cheap piece of crap.” he stormed out of the room. The boys only looked at each other, as if they were communicating through their minds on who’s turn it was now to go after Roger. "I’ll go” you volunteered, seeing as no one else made a move and what could you possibly have to lose? Except for a huge amount of payment. Ok, maybe it wasn’t the best idea, but the other boys looked quite relieved when you got up from your seat. You prepared for the worst,  grabbing your coat from the hanger on the door on the way out. It was really cold outside. Roger wasn’t hard to find. He was just outside the building, a cigarette hanging from his lips and rubbing his hands up and down his arms. He certainly wasn’t clever enough to bring a jacket with him, after his dramatic, oscar worthy departure. "Hey” how exactly do you approach an angry person you don’t know, but find really attractive? "Did they send you out here?” a chuckled groan left his lips.   “No, I came out here on my own. Want to talk about it?” you suggested. He offered you a cigarette, but you declined. 

"Talk about what? about the crap we’ve been recording lately? It’s disco.” he grimaced a pained face. “It sounds like the music they play in gay clubs. I mean don’t get me wrong, I support everyone’s sexuallity, but not everyone’s taste in music! I’m just not made for Disco music. It’s a load of bollocks. God, now I’m just venting” he threw the cigarette on the ground, putting it out with his boots. "I don’t know if you noticed, but I’m actually an opera singer. Not really Rock 'N Roll, is it? Yet I’m here in a recording studio with one of the biggest rock bands.” "Ok you have a point. Why did you agree to do this anyway?” he was shivering, while lighting another cigarette. "Sometimes you make sacrifices for the sake of others, but only as long as you’re feeling comfortable in your own skin ”  "God,I hate that you’re right.” he sighed, unable to hold the pout anymore, that was was replaced by a smile forming on his lips. "Now let’s better get back inside before you freeze to death” you gestured for the door. "Just a minute” he grabbed you gently by the arm. "Thank you” Roger hugged you tightly, nuzzling his face into your neck. The feeling of his cold cheeks in contact with your warm skin made you jump a bit.  “ Now let’s go and make some disco music” he laughed, grabbing your hand.  Expecting another fight and argument by Roger, Brian, Freddie and John were surprised to experiece as calm as he ever was. Stil, you decided to put the recording on hold for the day and locate back to the house, in which you all stayed. "Welcome to Duckingham Palace” when entering the house, you quickly noticed why Roger called it like that. There were hundreds of wooden duck statues situated all around the house. They were evrywhere, quite creepy, but as time passed, they became pretty much invisble to you. Believe it or not.

You all had gathered around the living room with a hot drink in hand, when John lit the fireplace, creating a cosy atmosphere. It felt like you’d known Freddie, Brian, John and Roger since forever, as you seemed to pretty much share the same or at least similiar interests and humor. "Ok now Micaela. Tell me. What’s your favorite Queen album?” John asked curiously while pouring a generous amount of rum into his hot chocolate. "Easy” Freddie answered for you. “Has to be A Day At The Races” you nodded in response. "See? we’re besties already, you guys better step your game up” Freddie threw his arm around your shoulders.  Roger couldn’t stop giving you little looks while having a conversation with Brian, who as expected also wasn’t a fan of the new direction in music they were headed at. “ how did you tame the lion, darling?” Freddie chuckled into your ear. " you know..How did you get Roger to calm down so fast? I know how he can get when he’s in a mood” "The cold outside did the job actually” you tried to sound nonchalantly.

"Of course yeah, that’s also why he’s been eyeing you up, ever since we left the studio. Did something happen?” Freddie kept pressing, but in a playful way.  "He never gives in so easily. Usually not even to pretty girls like you when he’s mad” Your only answer was a light blush of cheeks. At 2 am, John was the last one to go to sleep. Roger and you literally had to drag him up to his room. He was so plastered, that he didn’t even recognize his own song on the radio. Roger and you decided to sip on one last ‘good night drink’ to reward yourselves for all the hard work of tucking John into bed like a little baby. There was a silence upon you, but it wasn’t awkward at all, just relaxing. "Thank you again for today” Roger broke the silence. "Nothing worth thanking me for” "It is actually. Y'know I’m glad you’re here. You’re going to make this much more bearable for me" you snorted out with laughter, not realizing how serious he was about the words he said. "I’m being honest, love! I really fancy you and I want to get to know you better.” he was so close to you now, you could feel his warmth. "the seaside promenade is really beautiful, almost as beautiful as you.” Roger brought his hand to your hair, to brush a few strands behind your ear. "So, it’s a date then” you nervously drew a circles with your fingertips on the surface of the wooden kitchen counter, while looking into his ocean eyes. "Yeah it’s a date” he smiled at you. You both took your last swigs of your drinks.    "Good night Roger” you hugged him tightly and gave him little peck on the cheek, before wandering off to bed, thinking of all the beautiful scenarios the following day would have to offer. Roger followed closely behind, entering his own bedroom. The feeling of your kiss on Roger’s cheek lingered with him, until he fell asleep, thinking of his newly found happiness. You.

[keuncats]

Keun Breaks Down the Meaning of all his 4 Albums | Genius News

hi everyone i’m ong keun and i’m here to explain the music that i put out in the world and every music app such as spotify, apple music, youtube, amazon, so please check them out.

I think i piece of advice that i could say to every new artist in there the most important is not just do songs that you enjoy but having people that you can trust to help you out doing. i write all my songs, thats true, but i don’t produced them all the time, my best friends help my out with that and i’m really glad to have him by side cause he is opinion that most matter cause sometimes i appear doing a lot of songs who doesn’t work out and he is not afraid of saying if its not good or not. 

INSIDE OF: RING RING THE 1ST MINI ALBUM

this was my debut album that contents six musics. as it was the first time i was realising songs i didn’t have such big picture in my mind for a big and important meaning of it, but it does containt of me telling a story. if you see the cover of the album, which by the way, is former actress moon nayoung colarbone that i discover she didn’t know that they would use for my album, but they told me that was the plan and i went over it cause i thought it looked good. i could have get sue thought, if she wanted. but if you see the feeling that it gave, i don’t know if it gonna make sense, but it represent every vibe of the songs on it. this album have r&b and hip-hop genre styles with the lyrics talking about love, sex, falling in love, talking about the scenery of the night, and bottles of liquor. so you can picture that the album itself is about a guy who is just doing his daily routine of going out in the club, meaning people thinking that would have just meaningless night, instead, he meets this woman and he falls for her and he wants to get close to her more than he got to have that night at the club cause it was an incredible day that night. its a very luxury scene that the album itself represents.

INSIDE OF:  la gaudière - The 1st album.

i have to apologize now cause i don’t remember now if i release that one in the same year of ring-ring or not. i don’t think even my fans knows it cause they seem to think thats my weakest album, which i don’t get it cause is my favorite one so far and you can tell i really liked this one cause i put thirteen songs making him my first full album. what makes me excited for doing it at that time cause i put in my mind to sing about the stages of what a relantionship goes. with the first stage being fulling happiness and being in the clouds, and being totally in love, and getting to know someone and speding time with them so fully that you got his little habits too, exemplae of that being I Am You, You are Me, is also about the hardships that it has to face together and being willing to open up about each others scars, fears, the real person and what goes on in the their head and having to trust someone, with that scary part being represent by that it has the second track of the album that is named Overthinking. Overall is that, is not an album about being fully happy but also not sad about to break up, is just an album about ups and downs couples face it indivudually but they in the end are together for better or worst.

INSIDE OF:  Go Away - The 2nd Mini Album.

okay, wow, we came to that one. thats very close to my biggest pride in terms the fame it got and helped me grow as an artist. i mean, if you ask if you known any keun in the kpop music they just gonna say: the go away guy. which is fine by me. personally, i think people who follows me know what i was going through at that time, if you just clicking by this cause you liked my looks in the thumbnail and don’t know who i am: at that very moment of me creating this album, i was heartbroken. yep. that time had to come. as the songs talk about that stage of live, the title itself with the music video explains more and you can understand better but is about giving yourself everything to this person and commiment to her and she just dumped you and as you go yourself being sad you starting seeing her flaws and you starting being: get away from my life, please. and with that being the title and the first song of the album is perfect, because as the other songs go along you can see that even if that person starting thinking they should do better to themself and get over the other, you can see in punishment that he is not fully but he decided to emerge this sadness into anger not necessarly just about having that person breaking his heart but seeing that they thinking they could do better as it shows in netflix & chill, but that person is not completly the saint of it and he goes going to his dark ways of being and changing himself to worst and going doing wrong habits and thats what penthouse is about. after all that, there is bittersweet and 2 soon that you can just capture that this person is just broken inside and he just wants to be everything as used to be but he is not cause he changed, he grow and he doesn’t know if that was good. is an album about having to dealing with himself cause you thought you were in the right pat but turns out was not.

INSIDE OF:  ice cream after sex - The 3rd Mini Album.

truthful speaking, i don’t like this one very much however i’m gonna say its very nice and chill to hear, i will give you that. i got back about talking about love and relantionship, but with a more mature vision of it cause as you have experiece stuff you starting to accepeted that fact that when you fall in love you don’t fall for that person is equal to you or even is that person you tought it would be your type, cause thats life you know? random people gonna enter your life and they gonna teach something and they gonna be part of your life and everything that you go with them as any type of relation with them and it goes both way cause you are a person too and you get a part in the other life and your actions and as of them too build what you are together and your memories. different as the lead single is perfect to describe that and the album in a whole. 

INSIDE OF:  Artist Award - The 3nd Album.

thats my lastest album that i came up and thats what i would say is my little baby, cause is the album that i relese under my company that i’m starting to build and not just about that cause those songs are about not just about myself as a person but me being hundred percent honest about everything that i’ve been throught. the album starts with acting award that has the hook me being rapping: “i’m a boy not a star.”, which yes i know at that time of life as right now i’m what people say one of the biggest solo artist in my country, but what i have to go through to be where i am in some people views is not great, i’m not saying that i regret or anything because i just was a boy who wanted to music since i was dancing justin timberlake with my childhood best friend and neighbourhood, and i get out of school without graduating to go being a trainee in a new place by myself so every oppurtinity they gave me i took it cause it seem good. yes, it brokes my values, i’m not perfect but it teach me and with everything people say about the industry you just gonna feel what it really is when you are part of it. and talking about values, before coming up with the full album i relese singles of the album and talking about being tired of being the image that people want you to be the song Young is about that. Justin Bieber, yes that title of the song, MOVIE SHOOT and BIORYTHM are two sides of my life too. one being me and my image itself that they set and what people compare me too, and the other being what i was growing up as a kid and teenager and even now.  the tracks go on with Love Like This and Cinderella that is very much sound likes ring ring, but is more way of the inside that got on in the process of my first steps in my careet and my relantionship that it had to feels as perfect and goals. we still are but at least people know how we got together. the album is just me and thats why i felt good doing this one more than the others. 

I hope you guys have enjoyed this video as much as i do even if there people who made thread about my songs and honestly i’m really glad people wants to know the inside of it, thats why i’m here with genius finally. i hope i ome soon with others, maybe a full english song? who knows! see ya.

[fleckchallenge]

22.08.2022 - A whole new "everything"

On the last five days I was not journaling here in two days, but is important to acknoledge that I am not disappointed with myself because I am trying to not suffer any second for yesterday, not even for a blink of an eye.

This kinda principle helps me to focus on what is happening right now and in consequence results in a better way to solve my problems, because I am not worried for what happened but I am with all my energy at the moment.

Today, even not being the best days of my performance at work, the results are positive for the simple reasons... 1) I met a lot of employees of the company that we're auditing and I was able to understand the details of their areas 2) I entered in a whole new experiece with new streets, people, walls, food, coffee, bathroom, buildings, visions, touching. A brand new collection of new sinapses were created today, so it was a astonishing day.

move move move and just keep moving foward.

Nice guille

[the---hermit]

How's your process for writing thesis' chapters? I always feel like I'm drowning in hundreds of pages of notes and scattered thoughts and never know how or where to begin...

Hello!💜🌿

First off I'd like to say, same. I too feel like I have pages and pages of notes, but to pull everything together seems impossible. I do not have that much experiece into actually writing, because I did write a frist draft for my thesis, but then the professor and I agreed on a differt outline for said chapter and so I am now working to re-write it.

I am approaching this writing phase, as everything in life, one step at the time. First thing I ask myself what is the goal of the chapter? Why am I writing it and what is the main point I have to give across? Once I have this initial outline, I try to write a list of all the main points and things I want to say in the chapter, and I put them in the order that fits best. At this point I feel like I have a sort of skeleton of the chapter, at this stage I also write all the articles and sources I think I might be quoting in each section of the chapter. After all of this is done, there's the actual writing of the chapter, and that's just a lot of writing and editing. I follow the guide line I created, quoting all the sources that gave me the information I am talking about. When I have the first base done, I write a nice introduction of the chapter to state what it will be about and what is the main point of it, and the conclusion, which is more or less a tiny resume of everthing that has been said. And then again there is a lot of editing, to make everything fit properly. A tip that I really feel like giving to you is to pay a lot of attention to all the footnotes you add while you are actually writing. What I do is I have a separate file with the basic footnote written out for each source I have used, so that I am sure that they are all written correctly in the same style. And then when I quote something I just copy it right away and make sure the pages are correct. If I end up editing new notes I check everything is fine right away, and that I don't need to make any more changes. Believe me it will save you so much time, because as you are writing you have a much clearer picture of what you are quoting.

I hope my answer was clear enough and that it was helpful, I also have this post with a few writing tips I have collected so far while writing my thesis, maybe that could also be of help. If you have anymore questions, or if you'd like to share a bit more of your experience my inbox is always opened!! I wish you the best of luck with this project, and believe me things start to get much easier once you are actually doing them. I feel like I always build up a lot of anxiety regarding my thesis work, but when I actually start working on them things get much better, even if I am dealing with something complicated.

[depuislautomne]

how are you true

never in my life, would I have thought id actually experiece the past two days. 

i havent felt love or happiness for a while now, and when i stopped chasing for it, it appeared right in front of me, after having traveled thousands of miles. But of course, because my life seems out of a telenovela, i had 2 days to spend with that person.

TO be honest, it was the most amazing two days ever. We were lucky, it was like the stars aligned and life wanted us to be happy, and to act like kids. We went to see a concert because we ran into it, we visited an art gallery at 11 pm because the owner saw us looking through the windows and invited us in. We went to a hockey game, we went to the top of a mountain smoked weed, drank wine, played the public piano, kissed on the piano and then got a ride home from teenagers who thought we were fucking cute. We rode bikes through Montreal, ate poutine, visited the old port and got drunk on the metro.

at the concert, he made me dance in front of everyone, we looked like the most annoying people ever. We laughed and kissed and sang and we bothered everyone with our love. 

we made love, we kissed every two seconds, we held each other, we cried, we shared our deepest emotional shit. 

seriously, i dont even understand life...i am happy i lived this. but im also bitter we will never actually be together. It was like a little taste of happiness, of what could be when you find the right person, and you like their laugh, and the way they look at you when you’re walking hand in hand, or the way the kiss you while you’re talking, or changes sides on the sidewalk so the cars wont splash you.  I fell in love with his goofiness with his stupid attitude, with his smile every time i made a joke, with the way he held me like i was the most precious thing in his life. 

I promised myself I would not feel a thing, but its getting harder to control. because it was so intense, so pure and magical that i cant believe i only got a little taste of it; i guess tho, if it would’ve lasted longer, the magic would’ve faded and i would’ve seen all the faults i had seen in him when we were teenagers. i always fall in love with the idea of him, the version where we are happy and connected but tend to forget the issues. Not this time though, and as he said, if we are meant to be, we will be. If after 9 years we got the chance to live this, who knows what the future holds.

[hell-heron]

Here’s your gift @rensbaratheon! I had to keep it kind of short and sweet, and it’s my first time experimenting with this sort of style in English so God knows what the fuck I did, but I have to say you have great taste in ships, loved the idea of Renly\Oberyn! Hope you like it

Oberyn had to admit now, and he was quietly angry at himself for not having realized it earlier, that Ellaria had the right idea to move out in the country. Here one could go around in whatever state of undress their heart desired, blast music to the volume they preferred, and rejoice at the sight of their sweet girls smashing fruit in the yard and yelling to their wild little hearts's delight, and the attractions of the city were but a mere half- hour by car away. Ellaria had, that hot spring day, exactly left to enjoy one of said attractions, packing her handcuffs and leaving Oberyn in charge of the kids, and so Oberyn was lying on the sofa in that state of rural bliss he'd grown to love and appreciate, throwing now and then a glance out of the window to check none of the girls had resorted to vandalism to vent their youthful energies. But Oberyn had learnt in his youth, from his own experieces and his brother's suffering and the rise and fall from grace of his poor Elia, how short and fleeting is bliss, and he was not surprised when a loud insistent knocking at the door melted away his dreams of peace and relax. He stirred, checked he was still wearing pants, and contemplated reaching for jeans and a shirt, before deciding anyone who was not going to accept him in his bathrobe was not someone worth welcoming into the hard-earned safety and privacy of his own home. He groaned upon seeing, on the other side of the door, a dark - tall, handsome - young man with a winning smile, winking blue eyes and a daunting pile of pamphlets of some sort. Dread struck Oberyn's heart and discomfort almost got the better of him for a moment, but then he steeled himself - he was a fighter, had always been, and he was not to let some Jehova's witness penetrate the warm nest, safe from repression and ipocrisy, he had built for his family without giving all himself. He smiled his most charming smile, slightly parted the lapels of his bathrobe and welcomed him in. He sulked somewhat as the young man walked and sat on the sofa without so much of a terrified look, but he supposed it could be worked on. He persisted, at his absolute worst behavior he'd taken full avantage of in high school when there were teachers who were only going to assume the worst of the dornish weirdo kid anyway. He didn't pay much attention as the young man rambled on about clean pastures and beautiful, pleasurable heavens, pressing in demonstration a peach (which Oberyn suspected he had stolen from his tree) into his unenthusiastic hand, but he felt the frustration build up as he winked, crossed his legs, left his fingers wander on the other's hand and smirked at every word that may have been a slight, far fatched innuendo. The little missionary didn't even come close to gettting fluustered and Oberyn started to think they ha purposefully sent him the worse one in order to avoid his tricks - and despite his ego was somewhat uplifted by the thought some cult kept his infamous reputation in mind in their plans, he felt for the blue eyed man an aversion way too fiery for a simple stranger. He was still defensive and frowning, as the man - Renly, Renly Baratheon, he had said at some point during the proceedings, though why he had screamt his own name during sex was a bit unclear and mildly worrisome to Oberyn, though he figured he evidently was not deep enough into religion for it to be any help with his ego - picked up his clothes and smoothed down his hair. "Wait, are you not going to try to convert me?" It was not his kink or anything, but at this point he had been sort of expecting it and he felt slightly disappointed. "Dear Seven, no. I am trying to steal my brother's chair. Are you going to vote me?" Obryn shrugged. "Man, I'm signed up under Dorne. Don't get to vote the major for King's Landing." He crossed his arms, mildly offended. "Feel like you wasted the sex?" Baratheon smirked, barely visible under his smooth politician smile. "Hardly" he declared, and gathering up his pamphlets, slipped out of the door off to whatever scheme he was preparing too. Man, if politics had been like that in Oberyn's day as well, he might have listened to Doran far more.

[syxsol-blog]

hey guys. not so happy annoucement this time, but bear with me

I have health issues that i need to focus on for now, so ive decided to leave the directory (a wandering ghost of a character around the ship doesn’t really help development of the directory you know??). i know it seems really sudden, but i wouldn’t leave like this if it wasnt really important for me to. I love everyone here, i love the story line, and i love watching everyone create these super detailed characters to drive along the plot.

however, im a pretty sappy person, so ive decided to write some personal goodbyes. some of you i didnt get to speak with on as regular of a basis, but i still read your stuff on dash and appreciated you creating a story and experiecing that passion second hand. without further hesitation...

@sysidereus​ you’re married to multiple people but i GUESS that’s fine. as long as im the number one wife, it’s okay. ;) I love talking to you, even if it’s unrelated to the directory or just random shit about tv shows like jane the virgin (i still wanna make that meme board including the entire crew of serenity). we vibe well, and you’re an incredible writer. sid has always been one of my favorite muses here, and the one thing i regret-- TWO things i regret are not being able to talk you as much, and not being able to see sol and sid become best friends but sorta gay. like naruto and sasuke. honestly i adore you, and i hope i see you around again.

@syxephraim​ babe babe babe Bae. I know you’ve been worrying about my disappearance acts for a while, but ill say it a hundred times over. you’re one of the best rp partners ive ever had. no contest, really. you’re incredibly sweet and wonderful, too. the plot between eph and sol is one of my favorite plots ive ever had, and I’ve had a LOT of plots, trust me. there’s nothing quite like finding a writer like you who i can trade headcanons back and forth so seamlessly until it becomes this story that’s bigger than i ever imagined. there is not one moment i regret logging in to send you a message, even just a quick one before i fell off the earth. i wish i had more time to develop the relationship between sol and ephraim. spoiler for you: Sol is in love with ephraim, and he has been since he left persephone. He loves that boy down to his core, and there’s no changng that. I hope to return one day so I can write with you again. You’re loved, angel. Don’t doubt that.  

@kamorasy​ what’s funny is our characters always end up in brother/sister roles together. you have me on twitter, too, so we won’t lose contact, but you still get a sweet message from me because *clenches fists meme* I just love you that much. we knew each other from vanta black, too. and girl... your characters are like discovering treasure. so complex, well thought out, and experately played. we’re always able to headcanon w each other (altho for some reason we can never quite actually rp). but i never have a problem writing with you. it runs like clockwork. take care of yourself, okay? & if you ever need someone to drive away a strange man that hits on you, call me up

@syjaewon​ Queen Bee. you’ve been really understanding with everything and i can’t even say how much i appreciate that. like... wow. two directories we’ve known each other, and in each one, im awed by you. jaewon is an unforgettable muse, he really is, and you’re unforgettable mun, you really are. you’ve built an amazing place for people to come to and feel safe to express and write stories together. in all my rp years, ive only seen that a few times. thank you for letting me be a part of serenity, and you know where to find me if you ever need me. <3

@syxhenry​ Hi, doll. sorry that goodbyes have come down to this long ass message full of sap. i still think it’s hilarious that you were in kingsman & i didnt realize that till much later. there’s something very special about your characters. they’re all so well done, and the way you write them makes you want to keep reading everything about them. i’m lucky that i did get to write with you in not one, but two different places. henry and sol’s relationship didn’t develop quite as far as i would have loved to see them go, but there’s always more opportnities. i loved talking to you about characters, and plotting out the bizarre admiration sol has for henry. and i will always probably ship henry/noi. can you blame me?

@syaudrey​ im crying in the club right now because i have to say goodbye to one of the muns of a kickass engineering lady. you make me happy bc of how you are as a person, and the fact you’re writing about characters people don’t normally write about. can i just say how much i love the fact that audrey is asexual and amazing and complex and hilariously prickly all in one? sol and audrey are so funny bc all sol wants is to be friends with her, and she finds his bubbly attitude suspicious. i wish we’d gotten to rp that relationship to completion. we only started talking more frequently for a little bit, but omg i wish id had more time to chat with you. you’re so great and so is your muse. i only wish you the best, babe.

@sysullivan​ i only hope you can forgive me... maybe if i get on my knees. we had a lot of plans, and im sad we didnt get to write them out together. maybe some day, right? you’re one of the first people i talked to a LOT here, and i just want to thank you for humoring me, especially when i would send you the most ridiculous ideas or thoughts about things. also, i was the one that sent that secret admirer message that one time. ;))))) sol’s little crush on sullivan was really fun for me to write out, even if i only got to for a short time. what i like about you the most as a writer is how much thought and detail you put into your characters. absolutely blows my mind, honestly it does. i hope you never stop writing that way. you’re brilliant. thank you for sticking with me

@syxyihan​ you NEVER fail to make me smile, it’s incredible. plus writing with you is always really fun-- i had the most fun writing with you because you’re not afraid to be silly or a little ridiculous. i love both versions of your muse with all my heart, and i enjoyed every second i did get to speak with you. you’re in the wind now, like i am, but i still hope you see this. your creations are some of my favorite to see, and i really hope you keep writing. there’s a particular quality about your writing that makes you want to keep reading and reading and reading, and you’re sad when you reach the end of it because you want to see more. i loved the relationships between our characters even if they were short lived... and for the love of god i need real closure with yihan and henry. im crying. BUT. ill just write fanfic for them instead. LMAOO. your writing is gorgeous, it really is. best of luck to you <3 thank you

@syxmina​ mina is my kick ass cool aunt :( you’re one of the first people i interacted with... and their dynamic is sol being the annoying little kid who almost gets killed by mina all the time. yet, i love that. she never really killed him and deep down i like to think she still sort of... tolerates him in a positive way. i love mina will all of my sol (LMAO LET ME BE LAME). the way you play her is great to see. i hope you keep writing, and continue to spread your creativity. it’s worth wtinessing every time

@syxsonmi​ WE NEVER GOT tooooo WRITE. i’ll always remember you becuase you plotted that super cool, super dark plot with me right from the start. it takes a certain person to go crazy with that subject material right along with me, BUT YOU STILL DID AND I ADORE YOU FOR IT. you’re also a dreamcatcher fan and i gotta protect my fellow dreamcatcher friends. siyeon is my wife and ill worship her until i die but i digress. i love sonmi, and im sad we never got to write out that super cool plot. i only hope you can forgive me for disappearing on you. i loved watching sonmi develop beyond her trauma. you write her well, and this rp wouldnt be the same without you

@sybyul​ you thought i wouldn’t mention you, didn’t you? Well, think again. we didn’t get to writing that super awesome dynamic between our characters, but it’ll live on in my head and ill always remember you fondly. 1) you’re a really talented writer. 2) you’re really funny lmao afFALSKJKl. i wish i had more time with you, but maybe ill come back, or maybe we’ll run into each other again in a different directory. your writing is gorgeous, i never get tired of reading your application ( i think ive read it at least five times ). no lie. sorry that we have to part ways like this, but i really did enjoy being around you. remember to watch ice spiders or dragon wars & hate me for bringing that into your life. <3

at @ everyone else.

you make this place unforgettable, you really do. ive been here for a while, although i have been a ghost, i still logged in to keep up with the activity and the development of everyone’s characters. i don’t regret one moment or one second i spent here. one reason i didn’t write a solo of sol leaving is because i hope to return, i really do. but for now

you’re all talented, and I enjoyed watching all of you be so creative and passionate about this place. i love all of you. and since ive already been sappy, ill be a little even more sappy. remember to be kind to people, take care of yourselves, and keep writing.

see you, space cowboy

<3