#WE TRIED. if nothing else we showed we are an incredibly dedicated fandom

[mars-ipan]

we lost.. by five votes

well. we fought for our fucking lives

[starkerintheparker]

starker reclist - AUs

Hey guys! Welcome to the second part of my personal Starker reclist, dedicated to AUs. Last week I posted my canon-based recs, you can find them here.

I tried to incorporate as many tropes as I could, hoping everyone will find something special within their interests. There are a few a/b/o and underage fics, all properly tagged in case anyone wishes to avoid them. I also tried to highlight soulmate AUs because I reckon it’s a somewhat popular trope. Enjoy! ❤️

Last updated: April 25th, 2020. All new fics added will be marked with ***

• 007 AU by @darker-soft-starker (T, 4k, completed)

Summary: Undercover and bored at an art auction, Tony finds entertainment in Peter Parker.

Review: Look, I’m a simple woman. Daniel Craig has owned my ass ever since Casino Royale and I was reading 00Q and Hartwin before I even shipped Starker. Point is, I like spy movies, ok?! So naturally I couldn’t leave this fic out of my reclist. I you need further incentive, consider this quote: “What, a little late night espionage not romantic enough for you?” Peter retorts, whipping a pistol out from his jacket and aiming it at Tony’s chest.

• 3 Times I Told You I Loved You & 1 Time You Said It Back by @starkeristheendgame (E) background Peter/Steve, Peter/Bucky, Peter/Scott

Summary: Peter Parker confesses his love to Tony Stark three times. Once at ten, once at fifteen and once at twenty. Finally convinced that Tony will never love him back, Peter ventures out into a different path, desperate to find the love he seeks from someone else. But you know what they say about star-crossed lovers.

Review: This lovely fic holds a very special place in my heart. I’m so invested I decided to wait until it’s finished so I can read it all in one sitting. Peter’s longing and heartbreak hurt my poor soul but I trust Jensen to give me that promised Starker endgame - I know it will be glorious when it finally comes.

• A Night on the Town by @scarletmanuka1 (G, 2.3k, completed)

Summary: Nightclub AU. Years after the events of Endgame, Tony has hit rock bottom. The Snap left him crippled, Pepper has abandoned him and has taken Morgan with her, and he's feeling old and lonely. Peter arranges a night out at the nightclub that he works at to try and cheer Tony up.

Review: I love get together fics, especially if it involves oblivious!Tony getting his shit together and going after his man. Seeing him bitter and broken after Thanos was hard, but special kudos to IronBros moments because that friendship is true goals!

• Age of Adeline by @starkerforlife6969 (completed) background Harley/Peter, Bucky/Peter, Wade/Peter

Review: I’d never in a million years think about this movie as a Starker AU but gosh, this is everything I needed in my life and it completely devastated me but I loved every minute of it. As a devoted monoshipper, I was surprised to realize that I got emotionally involved with all pairings, even more so with Starker, which totally paid off. Gorgeous, powerful and heartfelt. God bless SFL.

• assume makes ass for u and me by @pretty-well-funded (M, 1.6k, completed) tw underage

Summary: In Tony’s defense, he was sure the kid was a rent boy.

Review: This 1.6k fic caught me completely off guard and now I’m crying because I need MORE. I love the premise, the dialogue is criminally good, their voices are amazing and I can’t get enough of cheeky!Peter charming Tony with his wit and filthy mind.  

• Bamf!secretary Peter by @starkerforlife6969 (M, completed)

Review: Who could ever resist some corporate espionage drama with bamf!Peter leaving Tony speechless and horny? Not me. I’d read more 30k of this verse because competent, sassy Peter Parker is such a kink, omg.

• Biker!Tony by @starkerforlife6969 (T, completed) Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Review: Same age AUs are not usually my thing but I can’t resist cute high school sweethearts written by this fandom goddess. Plus, protective!Tony calling Peter “doll” does things to my heart - and Peter’s.

• Breaking Character by @cagestark (E, 8.3k, completed)

Summary: Tony Stark, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist, and spy for SHIELD. Working with another SHIELD spy, the infamous Spider, he will take down an infamous human trafficking ring in New York. But the act they have to put on will demand more from Tony than he ever thought he'd have to give. Not that he minds.

Review: The spy trope seriously needs more fic like this one, because I’ll have bamf!Peter lying back to save his country while Tony freaks out any day. Cage hits the perfect balance between plot building, fantastic sexual tension, clever dialogue and the hottest smut sequence. What a ride! (Pun intended).  

• Curiosity Killed the Cat by @areluctantsblog (T, 1.5k, completed)

Summary: Peter has been modelling in an art school for years. He's used to strangers' eyes roaming his body - clothed or naked - and he knows that it's not him they are looking at. Not him who they are interested in. He's just a model, a tool for their work. And for a long time he doesn't notice the one pair of eyes that, despite seeing him but rarely, is looking right at him.

Review: Very soft and atmospheric, this fic left me in a bit of a daze and it took me a while to realize it was over. Great writing will do that to you.

• Detective!Tony, Graffiti Artist!Peter by @starkerforlife6969 (M, completed)

Review: Oh don’t mind me, just appreciating this author’s talent at writing from the filthiest smut to the softest “Tony saves Peter in all ways that matter” like this ficlet. We stan.

• Eat at Pete’s by feyrelay + glorious art by @peachbabypie (E)

Summary: Peter gives him an unimpressed look, “If you didn’t do your work, then you wouldn’t be able to earn my time though, would you?” Pfft. “Kid, I have more money than god. I can splurge on your delicious pancakes and attention, trust me,” Tony informs him loftily. Peter smiles that wicked, crooked little smile that's just for him. It's not even and perfect like his the-customer-is-always-right one that's more frequently on offer. “I didn’t say you couldn’t afford it. I said you wouldn’t have earned it.”

Review: How can we ever say no to dom!Peter putting Tony in his place and hopefully on his dick + Tony loving every second of it?? Their dynamics are fantastic and that TASTY COUNTER DIALOGUE KILLS ME. EVERY TIME. Check it out and come scream with me: sub!Tony rights :D

• Fire and Ice by LeafyGreenQueen773 (M, 3k, completed) Soulmate AU

Summary: AU where when someone writes on his or her skin, the same thing shows up on their soulmate in the same place as a Mark that fades away in a few hours.

Review: This was the first Starker soulmate fic I’ve read and it made my heart ache so soft and good. Lovely and bittersweet, quiet and painfully honest. 

• Genius, Acrobat, Playboy, Philanthropist by @scarletmanuka1 (E, 28k, completed)

Summary: After Peter's aeriel acrobatics partner, Adrian Toomes is fired from The Avengers Circus Troupe for theft, he is shocked to discover that his replacement is non other than legendary performer, Tony Stark - the man that Peter had hero worshipped since he first learned how to tumble. 

Review: After reading this fic I realized I need more Circus AUs in my life. I could read jealous idiots falling in love while doing beautiful acrobatics for the rest of my days. Original plot, nice character development and I really appreciated how the author inserted little canon things here and there. 

• Happy to Disappoint by @deaded-blush (M, 60k, completed) tw underage, domestic violence

Summary: Adrian Toomes is in quite deep with notorious mob boss Tony Stark. But when Tony comes to collect the debt owed, he's surprised to discover Toomes has an adoptive son. The chance meeting changes the direction of both their lives...

Review: Hands down one of the best Mafia!AUs I’ve ever seen. Read it all in one sitting and by the end I was SHOOKETH and utterly obsessed with this story. Nothing about it is okay so brace yourself for whump!Peter and lots of h/c. Bonus points for an incredibly satisfying ending that will make you gasp out loud.

• Hey Baby, Slip between my Beta-Pleats and get to know my Alpha-Helix? by @starkerforlife6969 and @darker-soft-starker (E, 37k, completed) A/B/O

Summary: Even though Tony can't tell the difference between Manolo Blahnik and Jimmy Choo, Peter really has no other choice. His heat is around the corner, so even though he loathes the party-going, booze drinking, smug playboy know-it-all that is Tony Stark. He'll just have to do.       

Review: I can’t believe life went on as we know it (or did it??) after these two geniuses wrote together. This is the Starker version of “enemies to lovers” we all wanted and deserve, where spoiled-bratty-posh princess Peter finds the perfect balance for his chaotic energy in goofy-unapologetic-charming playboy Tony. Their falling in love is just so tender, so genuine and so good, it’s impossible not to cheer for these two sweethearts through this delightful, carefully crafted story.

• If you let me by @css1992 (E, 12k, completed)

Summary: Peter had tried dating younger guys, but it just didn’t do it for him. They were often too eager, too fast, too rough. Just too young, in general. Not that older men couldn’t be too much, too, Peter learned it the hard way. The man looking back at him from across the room seemed like a good one. He knew he shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, but he was gorgeous. Possibly the most handsome man Peter had ever seen in his short life.

Review: I remember the first time I read this fic it hit me in such a powerful way I cried a bit and was too overwhelmed to do words and tell the author just how much I loved it. But I never forgot this fic or the way it made me feel. It’s so evocative, so sexy, so raw, so heartbreaking, so sweet and so gentle. Great atmosphere, even greater characterization and some of the hottest smut I’ve ever read. Treat yourself and check this out right now.    

• I’ll be Home by @starkerforlife6969 (M, completed) A/B/O

Summary: The story starts when Soldier Tony comes home for a few days, and is introduced to the love of his life.

Review: Will I ever stop reccing SFL’s works? Maybe, but today is not the day. This gorgeous, breathtaking fic attacked me in my own house during Christmas day and made me cry like a baby. I’m a sucker for reunion stories - the longing, the heartbreak, the power of endurance. This fic reminded me that no matter how long or difficult the journey, love will always find a way.

• Little Spider by @stfustucky (iwillpaintasongforlou) (E, 5k, completed)

Summary: Peter Parker is one of the country's best hitmen, known in the underworld as the Little Spider. He spends his days in the lap of luxury with his billionaire fiance Tony Stark, and his nights doing dirty work for various shady characters. Life is good, right up until someone puts out a hit on Tony and wants Peter to pull the trigger. It... might be time for them to have a talk.

Review: Omg this fic was so deliciously good in a totally surprising and sexy way. Bamf!Peter took my breath away with the perfect balance between his two personas. Tony getting off on that sheer power and confidence is a BIG MOOD and my second favorite thing in this fic. The first being the badass power couple they make. 

• love somebody like you (E) by @intoxicatelou

Summary: five times Tony was Peter’s roommate and one time he was his soulmate instead.

Review: Who doesn’t love some forced proximity mixed with the unbeatable soulmate trope? This plot is the hottest take and my heart cannot handle young!Tony with his brilliant mind and sassy charm protecting and flirting with Peter, unfff feels everywhere *cries in Starker*

• Love Thy Neighbour by @darker-soft-starker (T, 2.3k, completed)

Summary: Tony's new neighbour is kinda weird.

Review: I know I keep saying that same age!AUs are not really my thing but I’m the softest bitch for feel-good, cozy domesticity, and I love how this charming story shows that ordinary life become magical when shared with someone special. I could babble all night about how eccentric and confident Peter seduces our man of science that for once has absolutely no idea of what’s going on - but you really should see it for yourself right now :)

• Mafia Boss!Tony Break Up Make Up by @starkerforlife6969 (E, completed)

Review: Man, this fic was so rude to my heart. The heartbreak, the rough sex, the guilt, the hopeful make up, the gorgeous ending. My body literally cannot take the stress, why are Mafia AUs so doomed and beautiful and more importantly, why is SFL so good at writing them???

• Microcosm Series by @bloomblood (M, 32k) tw underage

Summary: Tony and Peter become each other’s heroes after the Snap, saving themselves before they offer aid back to the world.

Review: I haven’t read many post-apocalyptic fics but this series’s raw atmosphere sucked me in. I adore the quiet intimacy, the slow and tentative healing, and all the silent and complex emotions underneath apparent simplicity. Big aesthetic mood, just as its lovely author. 

• Musechaser by @nightskygardenia (M, 10.5k, completed)

Summary: Eighteen year old art student Peter Parker is desperately searching for his muse, someone who can bring his creative skills to the next level through inspiration. Lucky for him, his next class just so happens to feature a gorgeous model by the name of Tony Stark, a man Peter's convinced is his muse, to the point of staying after class to ask for private modeling sessions.

Review: Another big aesthetic mood, this fic paints a gorgeous imagery. I love the setting, the slow pace and the building anticipation until the sexual tension finally breaks. Peter is adorable and Tony exudes confidence; their voices are spot on and their chemistry is palpable and intense.  

• My Best Friend’s Dad by @darker-soft-starker (M, 17.6k, completed)

Summary: Peter is home for the summer, back from his first year away at college. Having stayed over at Harley's house every weekend since they were fourteen, he never used to think much of his friend’s dad. A few years worth of college experience has Peter noticing Tony in a different way. This time, Tony notices him back.

Review: Turns out that Tony Stark being a dad and a daddy is too much for my body. I worship this fic. I wanna get married to it and have its babies. No words will ever make it justice *sobs* no but seriously, secret relationship is a perfect Starker trope and this one will take you to the edge of your seat until the very end. A+ characterization, lovely build up, infuriating cliffhangers and the wholesome happy ending we all deserve. This is the kind of fic that leaves you a bit depressed once it’s over, because you suddenly realize you’ll never read it for the first time ever again. So get to it and make sure to enjoy every second!

• One Call Away by @readysetstarker (E)

Summary: Tony didn’t need the phone sex gig. He was more than well off, his own sex life was in great shape, but damn, there was just something about listening to someone else get off to his voice. 

Review: Omg who could ever resist sex hotline + daddy kink + identity porn? Dev is coming after our own hearts and bodies with this hot combo. I love the balance between their cute chemistry and the hot phone sex, plus the identity porn is deliciously fun. I was so happy to know this fic is getting longer than the author had previously anticipated because I’m definitely not ready to let it go.

• Open Road by @starkerflowers (E, 2.5k, completed)

Summary: It’s not love, but it’s good. TW: implied abuse (not between Tony/Peter); bruises/violence; panic attack. 

Review: This refreshing not-quite-a-love-story will capture your heart, make it hurt, make it ache, make it hope and finally, make it heal. This fic is so gorgeously written I honestly cannot rec it enough. Yes, it’s dark and angsty, but it’s also gentle, hopeful and deeply evocative.  

• Panty Raid by @starkerforlife6969 (M, completed) A/B/O

Summary:  Imagine Tony being forced to do a panty raid as an initiation for his fraternity. So Tony, keeping up his playboy appearances, sneaks into the omega dorms. And he sees sweet innocent Peter who is so alarmed by the alphas raiding their dorm Tony can’t help but comfort him.

Review: Unf this fic is just too charming and cute, my heart cannot take it. Frat stories are so fun they make me forget my preference for age gaps and realize I could read more 50k of protective young!Tony any day, please and thank

• Pete’s Eats by @darker-soft-starker (T, 9.3k, completed)

Summary: Peter has a YouTube channel where he just drinks wine and teaches people how to cook things if they live in a mediocre apartment. While cooking and drinking he just talks about stuff like memes and school and, most importantly, his undying thirst for Tony Stark.

Review: This is legit the funniest shit I’ve ever read, everybody else can go home. I was already sold on Peter being a relatable thirsty dork, but Tony’s A+++ characterization (for a moment I thought it was RDJ on the big screen) and the identity porn side trope killed me for good. And what a way to go. I’m an angst hoe but I could read this forever and would be okay with it. 

• pondus, pondera by spqr (M, 9.3k, completed) underage prostitution but not between P/T

Summary: Peter sells his virginity for $5,000 when he’s fifteen.

Review: Ugh I’m so weak for the angsty hooker trope, I just love the potential to simultaneously explore whump, mutual pining and gentle recovery. Trust spqr to deliver it all with a carefully crafted slow burn, god-tier characterization and a heartfelt and satisfying get together. This fic is a gem.

• Powerful by @cagestark (E, 4.6k, completed) SIM!Tony

Summary: After finding out about Peter's abusive ex, Tony privately vows revenge.

Review: This fic took my breath away and made me realize that dark!Tony with a soft spot for Peter is everything I need in my life. Precious Peter being empowered by a viciously protective Tony is now my absolute jam, and it was fascinating to see see their dynamics mutually feeding each other’s nature. This fic is gorgeous, sexy and liberating. 

***Red Light District series by @starker-stories (17k, ongoing)

Summary: Everyone knows that Tony Stark is a playboy who has dozens of women passing through his life and through his bed. What everyone doesn't know is that Tony Stark is deeply closeted, longing for something he can't ever have -- a life and a love with another man.

Review: I’m completely in love with this series and not only because it explores the good old hooker trope which I’m very partial to. It’s so well written and atmospheric, if a tad bittersweet and heart-wrenching. Great narrative tension, Tony and Peter’s chemistry is insane, their voices and dialogue are amazing and the smut is looong and scorching hot *chef’s kiss* 

• Samadhi by @starkercrossedlovers (E, completed)

Summay: Tony goes to yoga to try and deal with his anxiety and ends up falling for the instructor, one Peter Parker.

Review: Okay so yoga fics are among my guilty pleasures and I can’t get enough of feel-good fics like this one. Peter’s such a sweetheart, so thoughtful and amazing with Tony. I love it when they take care of each other and find solace together, this fic made me soft :’)

• Single dad baker!Peter and lawyer!Tony by @starkerforlife6969 (G, completed)

Review: I’m not usually a fluff girl but this fic is just too wholesome to go by unnoticed. Nothing hits my soft side harder than a cynical character reaching that turning point that makes them start to believe in love. Fuck yes, YOU SHOW THAT MAN SOME HAPPILY EVER AFTER PETE

• Soft Kitty by @ko-fiandfanfiction (E, 33k, completed)

Summary: Peter wasn’t wearing something Tony would call normal, not that there was anything inherently wrong with what he was wearing or anything. It just struck him as…different. To put it plainly. Tony is not sure what to make of this new development.

Review: For those of you who love some occasional feminization, this is the perfect treat. Soft, sexy and sweet, it combines top guilty, pining Tony with oblivious idiots in love, two of my favorite tropes. Amazing slow burn with glorious sexual tension, infuriating dancing around each other and a very satisfying get together. Bonus points for including the “Avengers living together in the Tower” trope, this is the 2012 team building fic we deserved.

• Solitaire by @darker-soft-starker (M, 29k, completed)

Summary: After a traumatic experience, Tony loses his marriage and his business empire in one fell swoop. At rock bottom, it takes real change to pick up the pieces, to dig himself out of the funk he's been living in. It's not pretty. Along the path of healing Tony meets a bright young man, Peter Parker, who makes the entire journey worth it.

Review: Oh man, this was a tough ride on the soul. Few things hurt me like reading whump!Tony but his healing journey is so beautiful it’s all worth it. Top notch characterization, amazing dialogue, FEELS EVERYWHERE, and a gorgeous portrayal of loneliness, friendship, hope and love.  

• Someone Who Makes you Happy by tuesday (T, 6k, completed) Soulmate AU

Summary: Peter was born with several marks already marring his skin, including an interlocking AES over his heart. A scar-sharing soulmate AU.

Review: This fic is absolutely stunning and it makes my heart ache in all the right places. Great worldbuilding (I LOVE the scarring concept, so unique and fitting to these characters), A+++ Tony characterization (the wit and the self-hate are so spot on I could weep) and a journey full of longing, until they finally get to be on the same page. 

• Splice by Mezzymet (E, 35k, completed) A/B/O

Summary: "He's not...." The doctors polite nature and disposition hadn't been able to mask the odd tone of his voice, like he had been reading someone's death certificate. Only Peter hadn't been on his death bed. "Peter isn't like the other kids.

Review: I keep coming back to this story because it’s such a fascinating and unique take on this trope. Very well thought and put together - the world building is fantastic, the sex sequences are breathtaking, and Tony’s gentle thoughtfulness makes me wanna cry.   

• Stopover by @cagestark (E, 10k, completed)

Summary: A stopover is just a break in a journey. Tony is on the run from the organization he used to kill for, and when he stopped for gas and coffee in the small town of Stopover, IL, he had no plans to leave with anything more.

Review: *sigh* this is the mob boss!Tony fic I’ve waited for all my life. Even more impressive than the delicious smut checking all my kink boxes was the phenomenal build up, the overall urgent atmosphere that surrounds those “on the run”, combined with the gentle wonder of stealing a moment in time to find solace in the most unlikely place. Breathtakingly moving. 

• Student Body President Election by @starkerforlife6969 (T, completed)

Summary: Tony and Peter are competing for Student Body President and a smear campaign takes things a little too far.

Review: GIMME ENEMIES TO LOVERS AND ALL THE HIGH SCHOOL DRAMA. This ficlet is so fun and adorable it will make your heart smile. Great plot idea and the usual bonus points for protective!Tony being a sweetheart. Will have more 30k, pls and thank.

• Such a Softer Sin by @css1992 (E, 18k, completed) background Peter/Norman

Summary: Tony is a self-made man. Peter is a sugar baby – someone else’s sugar baby.

Review: Another fantastic slow burn that hit me hard in the feels. I love it when fics explore the characters’ personal struggles before they get together, and while the Peter!whump destroyed my heart, Tony’s parallel journey of growth took my breath away. css1992’s talent took the good old sugar baby trope to a whole new epic level. 

• Summer Daze by @darker-soft-starker (NR, 4.3k, completed)

Summary: Starker no-powers au where Peter watches construction worker Tony from his bedroom window as the older man works across the street.

Review: Ahh yes, the classic “food as metaphor for love” trope, my absolute jam. This fic is so adorable and endearing, pining!Peter in his wooing mission makes my heart ache and the sweet anticipation is so good. There’s something about this fic that gives me nostalgia; it’s as soft and warm as a summer breeze.

• Tamed by @cagestark (E, 8.3k, completed)

Summary: Tony Stark, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist, and spy for SHIELD. Working with another SHIELD spy, the infamous Spider, he will take down an infamous human trafficking ring in New York. But the act they have to put on will demand more from Tony than he ever thought he'd have to give. Not that he minds.

Review: It’s no wonder this is Cage’s most beloved fic. Bad boy!Tony being all soft for Peter is everything we deserve, not to mention a mesmerizing (and HOT AF) first time together. This fic shows how rich and captivating Cage’s writing is - she’s able to transform that old basic trope into something unique and heartfelt. If you need one more reason to read this, please consider: best first bj ever :)    

• Teacher!Tony wrong number by @areluctantsblog (T) tw underage

Summary: Peter’s using a replacement phone and mistypes Ned’s number asking for help on a physics problem.

Review: I have such a soft spot for this fic! It was one of the first AUs I’ve ever read and I’m completely in love with their dynamics. Peter’s underage but this fic is carefully written and pretty tame, so I’d rec it to anyone looking for the good old “they probably shouldn’t, but then again nothing’s happening” trope.  

• The Bleedover Effect by tuesday (T, 11k, completed) Soulmate AU

Summary: The first time Tony got punched in the face by nobody there, he had a lot of very complicated feelings about it that mostly boiled down to, "I deserve this." A pain-sharing soulmate AU.

Review: Tuesday truly is the queen of soulmate AUs, we have no other choice but STAN. First of all, I adore the concept here - being such a sucker for whump, this could easily become my favorite soulmate trope. As usual, her Tony voice is perfect and his devotion to Peter hits my fragile heart every time. Kudos for the soft and hopeful ending. The series has been discontinued but the sequels are very much worth the read, if you’re up for it :)

• The Catfish Chronicles by @stfustucky (iwillpaintasongforlou) (E, 32k, completed)

Summary: Peter creates a fake profile under the name “Benjamin” trying to catch his scumbag boyfriend cheating. Tony creates a Tinder profile for "Anthony" looking for love late in life. Funny how two geniuses who fight side by side every day can only manage to fall in love after they've accidentally catfished each other. This is... gonna get awkward.

Review: My identity porn thirst might be showing but who cares, I want these two idiots pining after each other in every possible way. This was such a fun and exciting ride! The suspense had me legit freaking out and their get together was lovely and wholesome. I particularly adored how thoughtful and sweet Tony was dealing with Peter’s insecurities, that was handled really well. A treat!

• The Concept of Domesticity by @peters-tofu (E) mpreg

Summary: Tony has accomplished nearly everything he's set out to do, now he wants something different. A family of his own? Sounds easy enough. But he's far too impatient for a relationship, so surrogacy it is. Meanwhile, twenty-two year old college student Peter Parker has just volunteered to be a bearer at an agency.

Review: Can’t say I’m a big fan of this trope but since every rule has its exception, here it is! The only Starker mpreg I’ve ever read is so so good and adorable I can’t help smiling every time I think about it. I just love their dynamics, the soft domesticity, the cute bantering, and the fact that Peter has one baby daddy all wrapped around his little finger but what else is new ;)

***The Date by Neuropsyche (E, 33k, completed)

Summary: Tony has a high society gala and he needs a date.

Review: My favorite fake dating AU so far, this fic is so sweet and wholesome. Confident!Peter is my jam and it was amazing to see their sassy bantering evolving into genuine affection towards each other, not to mention the delicious hot smut with dom!Tony :D 

• The Final Heist by @starkerforlife6969 (G, 10k, completed)

Summary: Tony’s only got one more heist. He does this, he can be retired on an island in the Mediterranean in a month. All he needs is a world-class art forger. (White Collar inspired)

Review: Honestly, the amount of times I’ve mentioned SFL in this list is getting embarrassing. I must have done something really good in another life to get such a talented author writing something inspired by one of my favorite TV shows. I feel like this fic was personally crafted for me; it’s original, romantic, sexy, fun, clever and so very atmospheric. I’m a lucky hoe. 

• The Heart Benefits of Exercise by @areluctantsblog (E, 14k, completed)

Summary: Personal Trainer Tony and Gym Newbie Peter. Peter can hardly keep it together watching Tony demonstrate different exercises and lift weights. Tony is very much aware of the effect he has on his trainee, and after a session, Peter begs to be shown a whole different array of exercises.

Review: This fic was a lovely surprise, very relatable and entertaining. Love myself an adorable Peter thirsting over Tony (can’t really judge lol), especially if it comes with a good amount of pining and hot, kinky smut :D

• Tipping the Scale by JayPendragon (E, 119k, completed)

Summary: Peter has a rhythm. A system. All runs like a well-oiled machine, engineering pun intended. Every wheel of his life is churning perfectly. He doesn’t expect Tony Stark of all people to throw a wrench in it.

Review: Hooker!AUs are my kryptonite, I’m so here for the “fuck first, talk later” and the general pining + misunderstandings + h/c combo this trope provides. This amazing longfic delivers it all with a well-paced, delicious slow burn told from Peter’s POV, which is always a delight to read and makes you fall even more in love with him. If you also enjoy this trope you’re in for a treat!

•  To Catch a Spider by Thekeyandquill (E)

Summary: After the war, Peter Parker left his career as a spy behind to live a simple life in the south of France. But when someone frames him for the theft of plans for a new weapon, he must re-enter his old life and get close to the real thief's likely next target - one Tony Stark. A To Catch a Thief AU.

Review: TKAQ is so skilled their writing should be experienced like fine wine. Amazing research, top notch world building and characterization, and the loveliest atmosphere that makes you feel like you’re inside a movie. Clever, organic dialogue and a sexual tension so palpable you can almost taste it. This is a gem. Make sure to check their other works.

•  Two White, Two Black, One Pink by @starkerforlife6969 (E) poly fic: Peter/Tony, Peter/Steve, Peter/Bucky, Peter/Strange Summary: Peter has three (maybe one day: four) men in his life who mean the world to him. Review: Ugh, this fic is pure bliss. It has legit ruined me for any and all other poly fics. Words just cannot describe how gorgeous, poetic and unique SFL’s writing is, or how deeply it has affected me. So if you enjoy Mafia AUs, poly fics and soft-but-also-bamf!Peter taking care of Tony AND being taken care of by the men he loves, give this a chance and experience transcending storytelling. 

•  Uranium Heart by spqr (M, 11k, completed) Soulmate AU Summary: It’s probably better, Peter thinks, that he doesn’t know who his soulmate is. He wouldn’t want to lie to them about Spider-Man, but he doesn’t think he’d be able to tell them the truth, either.

Review: Be still my heart. This is such a gorgeous fic! Not only it combines two major tropes in a coherent 11k story, but I also appreciate how spqr explores these characters and their dynamics in a very unique and realistic way. I strongly recommend checking their other works, especially Landslide. 

•  Waiting Game by @cagestark (E, 6k, completed)

Summary: Peter hasn't seen Tony in fifteen years. Not since he had their hasty marriage annulled, graduated college, and moved across the country. Their twenty year high school reunion will find them reunited. They've both changed, but one thing hasn’t. Hint: it's their feelings for each other.

Review: This fic literally made my heart BURST WITH FEELS: the whole build up and anticipation, the slow disclosure of their past, the first uncertain moments of their reunion. I also appreciate the powerful and moving message underneath it all, that true healing comes after we overcome our demons at our own pace. A masterpiece.

•  Wooing Peter Parker by Neuropsyche (E, 62.5k, completed)

Summary: Tony and Rhodey dodge the press and sneak into the library where they meet Peter Parker - who immediately catches Tony's eye. But Peter isn't a one and done kind of guy and Tony's going to have to work for what he wants this time.

Review: This is the kind of fic that warms you all over and makes you smile non stop. It has so many elements I love in fic: cute flirting, clever banter, hot sex, soft domesticity, boys being reasonable and talking their problems out for a change. If you’re looking for something light, sweet and honest, this series is a must read!

[suntumarchive]

A Commission for @strobelighttumby ! Thank you so much! ;u;

Fandom/s: Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure Character/s: Dio Brando, Enrico Pucci (contains DioPucci) Kink/s: Mild Stuffing, belly ache, belly rubs and some burps

Plot: Enrico Pucci got his husband Dio a special box of chocolates for Valentine’s Day. The vampire, not used to ingesting a lot of sugar in one sitting, struggles with digesting them, and receives help and comfort from his beloved.

___

That sweet mixture of whipped cream, cake, perfume and strawberry milk… it stung in Dio’s nose, making him grunt out audibly. Even though he was merely trying to focus on his book, his sharpened senses still caught the leftover scents of his minions’ shenanigans from a few hours ago. The scent of Valentine’s Day was still wafting through the halls… It was good that the vampire spent most of the daytime asleep, otherwise he would have had to watch this sugary sweet bullshit happen around his mansion.

Dio really didn’t understand the appeal of Valentine’s Day. It had felt so much different when he was a teenager, more than a hundred years ago… He put his book down, allowing himself to reminisce just a little. It had almost been some kind of game between him and his so called “friends”. Back then, it was a popular belief that a girl would marry the first man she saw on Valentine’s Day, and it had been fairly amusing to watch them desperately try to bump into the boy of their dreams. Dio remembered he’d enjoyed bursting their bubble quite a lot, especially when it was Erina Pendleton’s…

But the meaning of Valentine’s Day seemed to have changed quite a lot over the years. These days, it was seemingly nothing but a stupid way for a business to sell overpriced plush toys and candy. Nothing he could get behind of. It might be because he wasn’t a fan of teddy bears, love letters and cute nicknames in general, but admittedly – the chocolate was good. Especially the kinds that secretly used animal blood as a softener…

Dio heard a knock on the door, and a familiar voice call his name. The sound filled his chest with a strange warmth… Ah yes, Enrico Pucci, the only human being who could make him feel… something. Seeing his face every morning and evening was his favorite part of his nights. Watching him sleep made him feel oddly protective over him. Sometimes it genuinely saddened him that they were awake at different times of the day and night… This man had more power over him than Dio liked to admit. But that’s something he simply couldn’t get himself to admit to him, even though they had been married for quite some time now.

“Come in”, he said, leaning back in his chair. Enrico gently opened the door, and Dio immediately noticed the colorful package in his hands. A deep red color, and a golden ribbon… Had he been reading his mind?

“Let me guess… Chocolate. A way to give a form to your undying love and appreciation for me, Dio, on Valentine’s Day.”

“Exactly, Mylord.”

Dio chuckled a little. He enjoyed that, even as a spouse, Enrico was incredibly respectful towards him… it fed his already quite massive ego. Though sometimes he liked to be more personal with him as well… It was amusing to make him call him by his first name. The sweet, slightly awkward way he pronounced it made Dio feel surprisingly soft for him. Normally, he didn’t like feeling vulnerable and personal, but today, the vampire was okay with being soft… Today, he wanted to dedicate the attention to Pucci for a change.  

“You have my gratitude, Enrico… Please, come here, and feed them to me.”

Of course, the young man didn’t hesitate a second to accept that offer. Feeding Dio was something very special to him, something nobody else was allowed to do, so he was going to cherish that opportunity. The vampire turned towards him, beckoning him over to sit on his lap… Even though Enrico felt his body wanting to shiver with excitement, he slowly sank down onto his lover’s thighs. It was rare for Dio to be openly affectionate, and to give him some sort of control over him. The Lord had a strange relationship with his body, which Enrico had nothing but respect for, but he had to admit that sometimes he had the sinful desire to be close to him, and to worship his body.

“I appreciate your gesture very much… I know you’d like something in return, so please, go ahead and enjoy yourself”, Dio smiled, licking his lips. His sharp fangs shimmered past them for a second, causing his lover to stare. He couldn’t help it… the thought of the carefully picked chocolate vanishing behind them was delightful. He’d made sure to choose the kind that Dio liked best, and he had about 40 of them made for him, each of them filled with a different kind of blood. His gift had certainly been a struggle to get, and an expensive one at that. But if his beloved Lord would be satisfied, that would be more than worth it.

“Thank you, Mylord… I’m very grateful.”

“Please… call me Dio.”

“… As you wish, Dio.”

There it was again, that cute expression… Dio loved it when Enrico didn’t know where to look. As many times as the vampire had already told him to call him by his first name, his husband always ended up slipping back into old habits. Honestly, it was endearing… and it made moments like these feel even more intimate.

Dio didn’t want to waste any more time. He parted his lips and allowed Enrico to gaze into his mouth for a moment, past his sharp teeth, where his saliva was already starting to pool… He could smell the chocolate and the variety of blood past the box, and his stomach was gurgling softly, as if it were patiently asking for it. Pucci felt his heart beginning to race as he pulled the ribbon and the lid from the box, and placed it on the table next to Dio’s book. It was so exciting to think that he’d enjoy his gift soon… Dio’s satisfaction was like a drug to him, he craved it so much… whenever he got it, he felt like his body wanted to explode. As wrong as it felt to give into these urges and desires… it also felt so right.

“This one contains nougat and lion blood”, Enrico said softly as he offered the candy to his Lord… His fingers brushed against Dio’s lips lightly as he took it, and he couldn’t help but watch the man’s mouth as he ate. Dio’s red eyes lit up for a moment, surprised at the warm, delicious flavor beginning to spread. Lion blood, Enrico really knew him well. Of course, his favorite was human, but knowing his husband, he’d save the best for last.

“Mhmm… delicious”, Dio purred, swallowing down the rest of the wonderful treat. His stomach welcomed it happily, immediately starting to churn around it and continuing to gurgle as it did. Enrico glanced down at his abs, to which he replied with a chuckle.

“Go ahead… I know you want to.”

The man bit his lip for a moment before lowering his hand down on Dio’s middle, to which he responded with a small, but blissful sigh. His hand felt warm and soft… Even though the vampire’s body was rather cold and hard to touch, it was exciting to feel him.

“Would you like the next one, Mylo- … Dio?”

“Please, don’t make me wait”, Dio grinned at him invitingly. Though he tried not to show it, the first bite had caused an intense appetite in him.

“Before I drink your blood instead…”

Not that Pucci would mind… but it definitely made his heart race all over again. Quickly, he reached for the box again, and this time, pulled out a different kind of chocolate.

“White chocolate with strawberry-lamb blood cream.”

“Mhhm…”, Dio was salivating just from the thought… His warm drool immediately coated up the candy, dissolving it within seconds and causing the filling to spill into his mouth. Pucci watched with great interest as his lover closed his eyes to enjoy the sensation better.

“Oh, Enrico, you’re spoiling me”, he cooed, to which both men chuckled.

“Sometimes I have to return the favor…”

“Indeed… please, my love, feed me more.”

The tanned man felt Dio’s stomach starting to make more and more noise underneath his fingers, which made him indescribably happy… He offered the next chocolate.

“Dark chocolate with coffee and human blood…”

___

Their little game continued for much longer than they’d originally thought. Usually, Dio was done after about ten pieces, but today he didn’t seem to have proper control over his thirst for blood… With about thirty pieces gone, the box was starting to look rather empty. Of course, Pucci didn’t mind. It meant that he got to be close to him like this for even longer, and that he got to watch him enjoy his gift, before Dio would finish the rest in secret when he wasn’t watching.

“Which one would you like now, Dio? I don’t think you’ve tried the champagne-dogblood ones yet.”

“Uh… perhaps we should be done for today…”, the vampire lifted his fingers towards his lips, softly burping into them… The belch was soon followed by a loud groan from his middle, which didn’t really sound like blissful digestion anymore. That was new. Enrico blushed visibly at that. He was so used to his husband’s perfect image that it was kind of strange to see him… like this.

“Are you… feeling alright?”

“Certainly… I just overdid it a little.”

It was shameful for Dio to admit his momentary loss of control, but Enrico of course didn’t mind it nearly as much. The vampire had enjoyed his gift so much he overate on it! But now he was concerned for his wellbeing… the groaning that continuously erupted from his stomach sounded painful, and once again, the blond man was burping into his fingers. It didn’t really seem like he was gassy though… more like the combination of various bloods made his stomach upset and confused. Enrico felt himself growing a bit pale.

“Oh no… Mylord, I’m so sorry, I didn’t consider that this vast variety could upset your stomach-“

“Nonsense”, Dio interrupted him with a hiss, “I, Dio, don’t get an upset stomach-“

GRrrRrROOOAAAArrgrhr…

“… very easily…”

Indeed, he had a stomach of steel… from rats in an alleyway to fat humans, he’d digested almost anything with nearly no problems in the past. How embarrassing, to get sick from a few chocolates…

“Please, allow me to help… It’s the least I can do.”

Even though Dio wasn’t comfortable with the thought of being seen with a belly ache, even by his husband, he didn’t really have a choice, did he? Enrico was already sitting on his lap, now with both hands on his middle… He leaned back a bit, letting out a defeated grunt.

“Yes… please… your hands feel nice.”

Enrico’s chest felt warm for a second… he gently began to rub across Dio’s belly, trying to find the right spot. Most of the noise came right from his stomach, so he began to knead his belly with his thumbs in a downward motion, hoping to ease the cramping a bit. The vampire gasped and inhaled sharply for a second, causing Pucci to flinch, but-

“Y-yes, that’s it…”

That was his signal to keep going… He continued to massage his Lord’s gut, feeling the angry churning and groaning vibrate under his fingers as he did. He felt guilty, but this was strangely enjoyable to him… he loved giving attention to Dio’s perfect, muscular belly. Just to think how many people found their end inside over the years…

“UuuUUrrp…”, even though Dio tried to hold it in, a belch ended up slipping past his lips, bringing up the taste of bitter, half digested blood. His stomach gurgled angrily, feeling like it was on fire… “It’s the chocolate…”, he was convinced now.

“Not the blood… it’s all that sugar and milk.”

“Please forgive me… I didn’t think it would make you sick…”

“I’m not-“

GRRRRhrrkluurgrh-!

“Hic…”

Enrico shot him a reassuring smile, gently caressing his cheek… Dio looked so awkward, it was unusual, but it made him feel incredibly soft for him.

“It’s alright… I’ll make you feel better if you allow me to.”

“Uh… yes”, and after a short break, “Please.”

Once more, Dio felt his husband’s hands rub over his belly, spreading a comforting warmth throughout his innards… Even if Pucci couldn’t take the sharp pain of his apparent intolerance to sugar away entirely, he could soothe it surprisingly well. And he didn’t seem to mind doing so either. In fact, Enrico looked almost thrilled to be able to massage him. Which eased the blow on his ego a little, at least…?

“Is this alright?”

“Yes… thank you, my love.”

Dio was silent for a second, before a small smirk formed on his lips.

“Actually, I believe a kiss could help too…”

“A kiss?”, his husband looked up at him… Oh, there it was again, that confused, awkward expression. He was too cute.

“Yes, you heard me. I’m sure a kiss would make my belly feel better. You wouldn’t say no to kissing my tummy, would you?”

As strange as it was to hear Dio refer to his stomach as his tummy, Pucci was intrigued…He carefully lowered his head, until his lips reached his upper left, and he could leave behind a small kiss right where his stomach was. He could feel the noise from below against his mouth… it was strange, yet exciting. Much to Dio’s surprise, Enrico turned his head to the side and rested his ear on his middle…

“What… are you doing, Enrico…?”

“Excuse me… I just wanted to hear what your perfect belly had to tell me.”

Dio gave him an awkward chuckle. He was a bit weird about his belly being listened to, but it was interesting to see how his husband seemed to enjoy it…

“Can you hear anything?”, he was curious.

“Yes… it’s quite loud in there…”

“I see…”

Suddenly, Pucci felt Dio’s fingers run through his hair, his nails gently scratching his scalp. It wasn’t painful, not at all… it was strangely comforting, if anything. Even though the vampire could easily use his fingers to suck him dry through his neck, he trusted that he wouldn’t… which was one of the reasons why Dio appreciated and respected his husband. He didn’t respect him out of fear, or because he simply found him attractive. There was much more behind Enrico’s feelings, which in return fueled Dio’s feelings for him.

“I like it… when you lay your head on my belly like that… the pressure feels nice.”

Pucci chuckled, gently rubbing his hand over his side… another loud groan erupted from Dio’s stomach, followed by a deep, wet belch. That was certainly unusual, but it only made them both laugh.

“Is that any better, Mylord?”

“Much better… I think that’s the one that’s been sitting in there.”

Even though Enrico still had his head lowered onto his lover’s gut, he could hear him reaching for more chocolate… looks like he’d finish the box in one sitting after all…

[otomeramblings]

My thoughts on Act 2, Episode 5

Yes, I’m incredibly late to the party. It took me longer than I thought to finally be able to finish reading Ep 5 BUT here it is! I’m gonna try to summarize my initial reactions and how I feel about the main plot points here both for myself and for anyone that wants to read them.

Long post under the cut!

One small thing I want to mention before delving into the big stuff: seeing all the boys starting new stages in their lives was honestly super heartwarming; they’ve grown so much both as individuals and together as a company (and as friends), and it was a delight to see it. As a fan of small details, I loved to see that the conversation Banri and Yuki had in “Into the Night!” (about him taking acting seriously and maybe going to college to bring back the knowledge to the company) was reflected in his choice of going to Veludo Arts University.

But anyway! There’s 3 main things I want to talk about in regards to this episode:

First up is Masumi’s arc:

Hooooo boy, I hadn’t been this angry about a fictional parent since we learned about Misumi’s family. I think the main thing that irked me a lot about his dad was how little regard he seemed to have for his son as an actual human being. Especially because of how hypocritical it sounded when his secretary said stuff like "Mr Usui is concerned about you living without a parental figure for so long" because we all know that Masumi has been living basically on his own for a long time and the excuse of "Masumi has only been living in Japan this long due to his parent's desire to keep his environment as stable as possible while they were married" felt super empty because yeah, right, coming back to an empty home every day is the healthiest way to raise a child, it surely can’t affect his well-being and his sense of worth in any way.

Masumi saying "I thought it might make them happy if i got good grades or did well in sports, so I tried my best, but...nothing ever changed"  and the story about him begging his parents to come to the show and tell and his dad's response was just "Listen to your parents, that's all we want from you" was so heartbreaking. It made me incredibly angry but it also helped me understand Masumi as a character a lot more; no wonder he has attachment issues (which are mainly centred around Izumi/the MC) and his constant need for validation, he just wants people to be there for him and be proud of his accomplishments. He just wants a family but his parents were just too busy to even give a crap. 

Also, in relation to Izumi: I think he still needs to learn that the obsession he has with her is not healthy (and hopefully one day he can grow out of it) but it's clear that he doesn't do it to purposely make her uncomfortable; he's misguided and he doesn't know how to deal and express the affection he feels towards one of the people that genuinely cares about him. Also I'm not saying that he doesn't have a crush on her, I think he does but he behaves this way because he never learned how to express his feelings in a healthy way and he's probably scared someone "could take her away" at any moment because boy hasn't he had to deal with people going again a lot already.

About Masumi’s grandma: love her, she’s a darling and she clearly cares for her grandson’s well being. One thing she mentions is that her son changed when his company found success, and like, I get that he needs to put time and effort to keep his company afloat but like. not even considering what your son wants and feels? Maybe talking to him every once in a while? Being busy it's not an excuse; your son shouldn't have to wonder if his parents love him. But this also ties to the end of Masumi’s arc when his father finally lets him stay in Japan: I'm glad that Masumi's father apologised and realised the error of his ways, it doesn't undo the years of loneliness Masumi had to endure because of it, but it's a start.

Final thoughts on Masumi’s arc: 10/10 would read it again for the feels. I really loved the depth they gave him and how they made him realise that Mankai (not just Izumi) are important to him because they’re his precious family and he wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. One little moment after that warmed my heart was when Izumi tells Masumi that she's glad that he's been taking care of Tsuzuru while he's busy writing and he answers with "I mean, he is...family",,,,,,,,,,,I’m not crying, you’re crying. I hope we can get more moments with him in the future that are centred around his personality, his likes and dislikes, and his relationships with the other boys.

In second place, Chikage’s introduction and arc.

Let's see. I knew coming in that Chikage was a controversial character within the fandom and I knew the main reason why because of spoilers, but I didn’t know all the details. Also, something you should know about me is that I found morally grey characters interesting, so that made it so I went into this with an open mind.

Overall, I liked the episode and I ended up linking Chikage as a character well enough. But I’m not gonna lie and say that everything was perfect. The biggest issue I had with his arc was the way they handled his relationship with Izumi/the MC, especially in regards to the kidnapping. I’m usually pretty good at putting a dividing line between fiction and real life, which is what allows me to enjoy villains and morally grey characters; but as a woman who grew up with my mom saying “never leave your drink/food unattended”, seeing it done here and then having it go unpunished really left a bad taste in my mouth; because every girl grows up hearing this (and i know this is a problem that affects all genders) and it’s horrible because it has happened to so many people. So my biggest gripe about this part of his arc is the consequences, or more so the lack of them.

The only things that made it a bit more acceptable *for me* were three things:

This line from Izumi: "What Chikage's done is unforgivable. But I can't just ignore August's dying wish and Hisoka's thoughts on the matter." I have some mixed feelings about it but It just aligns with Izumi’s personality; she’s always been portrayed as incredibly selfless and giving, someone who’s ridiculously kind (to a fault) and who always tries to see the best in people and puts others before herself (and also because ~plot~ demands it, but that’s a thing with a lot of media these days) Do I wish she had been angry and wary towards Chikage after having been drugged and kidnapped? Yes, I do, it would have been nice to have a portion of the story dedicated to Chikage having to earn her trust back because what he did really was not okay.

Sakuya’s conversation with Chikage when he tries to leave after opening night and in particular these two lines from Sakuya: "This isn't about the play....for some reason, I get the feeling we shouldn't leave you alone right now" [...] "You're different now. I can tell you're broken and hurting. I feel like you've lost your way." Regardless of personal feelings, I think Chikage showed that he really was shaken by the weight of his own actions after he found out the truth. He knows that what he did was wrong and that’s why his emotions and all his guilt were crushing him all at once. He was driven by revenge and anger for so long that once he learned and accepted the truth, he completely lost himself. And seeing him have to deal with all of that made me really glad, because even if he’s not gonna have to deal with external consequences (aka having to deal with the rest of the company’s distrust, even though I wish he did), he still had to find a way to not only forgive himself but also to atone in his own way for what he did (aka putting down his walls, fulfilling his promises and making it his mission to protect everyone at mankai from the organisation) 

Now, as I’ve been saying, I really wish Chikage had been able to tell the others the whole story about what he did and why he did it but…..we didn’t get that. What I am glad about, though, is that at least he told them that he took her away on purpose (even if he didn’t tell them how or why); also both he and Hisoka pointed out that anyone who knows the full truth about their lives could be in serious danger and that having Izumi know was already risky enough. And yes, that is indeed very plot convenient but it’s the bare minimum and I’m willing to give it a pass this time.

tl;dr I think Chikage is an interesting character that has a lot of potential and I have hopes that he will get some more development in future events. BUT, I really think they could have handled his arc in this episode a lot better.

Now, all that said, if you still couldn’t bring yourself to forgive or look past what he did and you still don’t like him: no one can force you to like him after the things he did since it can be very triggering for a lot of people, so remember that your feelings are totally valid.

In third place and in relation to Chikage’s arc, I also have to mention Hisoka and the development he got as a result.

The only thing that bugged me in relation to Hisoka was that even though I knew he couldn't because of ~plot~ (and probably because part of him is still unsure about what he didn't remember and how it could affect the others even if he did say that the person he was before didn't matter anymore) but I really wished he had told anyone "hey so like......Chikage said some weird stuff to me just now and I might need help" because their first 1 to 1 confrontation was a threat if I've ever seen one.

But yeah, other than that I really love that we not only finally got to learn about his past, but also we got a good foundation for his development in the future regarding his interpersonal relationships with the winter troupe. The fact that he couldn’t remember who he was has been a point of conflict in the past and this brings that issue to a close in the sense that he is willing to tell them (part of) the truth once he sorts things out. And I loved loved how the trust Hisoka has in them is the direct result of all the ups and downs that the winter troupe has gone through so far in learning to open up to each other. I know they said during nocturnality that they’re not a family in the same sense the spring troupe is, but I honestly disagree; they way in which they’ve come to rely on each other shows how strong their bond is.

[alightwhendarknessfell]

Dear Andy,

I have debated posting this for a while, mostly because I wanted to get it right. With the WSTW re-record release approaching and things coming to light about the actions of a former member I feel that now is as good a time as ever. I don’t know if you’ll read this, but it is something that over the past year I have wanted to do. I have been unfair and overcritical and at times, downright mean. I was judging you and your actions based on my own interpretations. The events of the past few weeks have shown me that those interpretations were wrong. So here it goes…

I have been a fan of not only Black Veil, but of you going back to 2008-2009, when everything was still on Myspace. I vividly remember eagerly awaiting the release of WSTW and making my mom drive me to the local Hot Topic to pick it up the day it came out. I remember going to my first show in a small little bar in Raleigh, NC that sadly is no more, and I remember being dressed in war paint along with my best friends. I know that it may not seem like it, but I to this day consider myself a fan. The band that you created was pivotal for my teenage years and to this day the community you helped build means the world to me.

I will admit that it was my passion and love for that community that was the root of my criticism. Despite what you or others reading this may think, I do not hate you, not at all. There have been times that I felt let down, cheated, and disappointed as a fan, but the events of the past few weeks have really opened my eyes. I will get that to that point, but I did not and do not hate you. As a person I speak up, at times when I probably shouldn’t, but I do when I feel strongly about something. I have certainly made the mistake too many times of speaking before I had all the information or trusting my own judgement on things, I knew nothing about. I am trying to get better at not doing that.

I can see how some of the things I have said, condoned, or even given a platform to were mean, uncalled for, hurtful, and regrettably untrue at times. I have had this blog and been in this fandom for over a decade. I was 13-14 years old when I first made this blog, and I am almost 25 now. I look back on some of the things I said, and I deeply regret them. In 2015 this blog was accidentally deleted, and honestly it was probably for the best that some of my earlier posts are gone. Regardless, I have let myself get carried away or swept up in drama perpetuated by others (and sometimes myself). I have said things, even in the past few years that I shouldn’t have, things that could be hurtful. While my intention was never to hurt you, I think it’s safe to say that myself and others lose sight of the impact of our words when they are said behind a screen, to people we think will never read them. As a teenager or even in my early 20’s I didn’t think that someone ‘famous’ would see what I wrote, surely it would all get lost in the sea of tweets, posts and comments.

That does not make saying those things right.

I would like to personally apologize to you for not considering the fact that you might see some of those words. That you are a person with emotions just like everyone else, that could be hurt by them. I am sorry for letting others get away with saying cruel things, even if I pushed back on them or didn’t directly comment. I would be lying if I said that the fame (or infamy), status and notoriety I got for my words didn’t affect my actions. It’s sad, but true that often times more attention comes out of negativity than kindness.

As someone who has been bullied and suffers from mental illnesses, I should have left some things unsaid. I do not know you personally, I only know what you have shared. Seeing you speak about your own struggles with mental illness over the recent years has really given me a much-needed reality check. I have related to some of the things you’ve talked about more than you know. Some of the things that others and I have been critical of were clearly not the result of malicious intent but of your own hardships that we were blind to. 

I think people forget, and I know I did, that when this band took off you were just a teenager yourself. To think that at 18 or 19 someone in your situation would act ‘right’ all of the time and never make mistakes is ridiculous. Not only were you a kid trying to figure the world out, but I think it has become clear that you were dealing with people who used you for their own selfish gains. That would be hard for anyone, regardless of their age. 

I have never dealt with addiction on a personal level, but I emphasize with whatever pain you had to endure in your own struggles with it. You are right when you said that no one sees themselves becoming an alcoholic at twenty years old, and I am sorry for not being more sympatric in the past. One of my biggest regrets in all of this was hearing that during the time that I was probably the harshest to you (around 2016) was when you were struggling the most with trying to be sober. 

I am happy that you are sober, I am glad that you were able to make it out of that cycle that consumes so many people. I hope that others who are struggling are inspired by your dedication to living a healthier life. In an industry where it is too easy to fall back into toxic behaviors and coping mechanisms, I am glad you have found strength.  

I would like to speak on why I have been so negative in the past (and at times hateful). As I said, what you created in Black Veil meant a lot to me and so many others. This band has been a part of my life for so long and I have met some of the most amazing people through it. I have met people that I can honestly say I love because of this community. This fan base gave me a home when I felt alone and gave me something to identify with as a kid. That’s why I started cosplaying as you, sure it’s a hobby of mine and aesthetically I am a fan of 80’s glam metal, but it was mostly to pay tribute. I am not a ‘traditional’ artist in the sense of paintings and drawings, my media is makeup and costume. The WSTW/STWOF era is what I consider my era as a fan, the one that I identified with the most. 

I admit, I was upset when it ended. That’s a stupid reason to be upset, obviously all bands change and there’s nothing wrong with that, but that’s how I felt. The source of my jadedness was not the adoption of a new look, it was deeper than that. Around 2016 was when I had the most animosity because I saw what I thought at the time was you ‘giving up’ on Black Veil. I felt like the ‘old’ fans weren’t wanted anymore and like most people, I felt the need to protect and defend what I loved.

With the introduction of your solo act, it felt like the community I cared so much about was being destroyed and I couldn’t understand why you were doing that. I was blinded by my own judgements. What came off as hate was really just hurt. I know I am not the only ‘OG’ fan who felt that way, and I took that to mean I was justified. In hindsight it is clear, none of us had any idea what was really going on with the band and certain individuals who were bringing it down. At various times it seemed like you hated the old era and as a fan who stood there from the beginning that felt like a gut punch.  I let my own feelings make me bitter, and that was wrong. I let others fuel that bitterness, including ones who were actively stabbing you in the back. 

I remember around 2012 I made a very critical post of an article you did in Kerrang talking about your struggles with alcohol. I criticized you for not saying more and even said that what you shared was nothing in comparison to a former member’s struggles with addiction. When I received this DM from that individual saying that they approved of my words and that I was ‘spot on’ I felt embolden. I deeply, deeply regret letting such a toxic and horrible person influence me. That post I wrote was wrong, ignorant and immature. That post was one that got deleted in 2015, but I still regret having written something so heartless. 

(screen shot is from 2012, this was a Twitter DM from said individual. I did not share that post with them, they found it on their own and contacted me. ) 

I see now that you were not turning your back on Black Veil, you were trying to save it. The interview you did with Ryan Downey brought me to tears. I cannot imagine what it feels like to have something you spent your whole life fighting for be taken over by an abusive, evil, and selfish person. I feel like I have gained a better perspective of where you and the band were at over the past three weeks and I am sorry you are not free to say more. I am sorry for defending this person because they did not deserve a single fan.

Some who takes advantage of another’s passion and youth because they lack the creativity and ability to do it on their own is stealing, plain and simple. I am sorry that you have been tethered to such a horrible person for so long. I deeply admire your perseverance, strength and determination in taking back what that person tried to take. To be willing to destroy something you love and care about to keep it from the hands of evil is an incredible act of dedication to it. 

I would like to end this with a few more things. I know I have been critical of people that you love. I do admit I have taken those criticisms too far at times where they crossed into bullying. I am sorry to Juliet for being unfairly harsh, I am not a hateful person, but I have allowed myself to act that way. There are certainly things that I have said that I stand by, and there are things that I may not agree with or understand, but I think there are ways that I can voice my own opinions respectfully, without being mean. 

In an ideal world I would love to sit down with you, or anyone else I may have hurt and have a discussion about it, but hopefully this gets my point across well enough. I do not intend to delete my blog or stop accepting posts (although I will try and make an effort to get rid of toxic posts. It will just take a while to sort through them all). While I can’t promise to never say anything critical again, I can promise to stop the hatefulness. I am promising to make a real effort to clean up some of the toxicity towards you that is unfair and unwarranted. To facilitate a more respectful, yet still honest and open dialogue. I do take pride in my blog being one of the last places of discussion and community for fans, but perhaps without the cruelty that been allowed to fester. If you are someone reading this who comes here to be mean and hateful, I’m sorry but it has to stop. This was never intended to be a ‘hate blog’, but I will openly admit I understand why people thought it was.  

If you take anything away from this, or if you even read this, please let it be this. I consider myself a supporter of you and what you have created. I want nothing more than to see you succeed and be happy. I hope that you are able to overcome the struggles in your life and that you are able to find meaning and true happiness if you have not already. Although it may not appear so, I have always routed for you. It may seem like nothing you do is ever good enough for the fans (or at least some of them) but for me at least that is not true. You have been given an impossible task of trying to please thousands of people, of never being allowed to fuck up, and having past transgressions brought up again and again. For that I am sorry, and I am sorry for having played a part in that. 

You deserve to be treated as a person, not as an object or persona. I whole heartedly believe you are a decent person, who maybe has flaws and room for improvement, but so do I and so does everyone else. I do believe there are fundamentally bad people out there, people who deserve the karma they have coming. Those are the people that purposefully hurt, lie, manipulate, cheat and deceive others for personal gain. I think especially in the past few weeks we have been shown who those people are. Yet, I don’t believe you are one of those people. 

To everyone out there who is reading this, please give people the chance to change. Be okay with admitting when you are wrong. Allow people to grow and become better. Over the past year my mentality and perspective on the world has shifted dramatically. Two years ago I couldn’t have written this post, but as I enter my mid-twenties I am able to look back and say ‘this is not the person I want to be, this is not the person I want people to think I am’. So all I can do is admit my shortcomings, apologize, and be better. 

Andy, if you read this and made it to the end, thank you. You are in no way obligated to respond to or accept any of what I said. I just wanted to put this out there with the hopes that it in some way, or that some part of this, lessened some of the hurt I regrettably have caused. 

- Ren <3 

P.S the banner of my blog is not calling you or the band trash. It’s a fan term for when someone is really into something. Saying “I am ______ trash” means you love that thing. I know it’s weird, but it’s supposed to be an inside joke for other fans, it’s a positive thing. So, when I say “I am 100% 2010 Black Veil trash” I am talking about myself being a massive fan of that era. I don’t think you or the band is trashy, if I did, I wouldn’t be spending money on tickets, merch and shoving blue contacts into my eyes for 10+ years. 

[babblingblondegenius]

Happy Mancrush Monday!

Wow, what an amazing weekend!  Thanks to Stephen, Emily, and our awesome fandom for some quality content and great stories.  It was truly a much-needed reminder of why I loved Arrow and joined the fandom in the first place.  One of the highlights was SA saying Oliver loved Felicity ‘six, seven seconds after I first saw her.’  He didn’t specify which first encounter he meant so I’m gonna assume both and grin in sheer delight at what both those encounters had in common. ;)

Hard to top but not to be outdone, EBR’s response about their meet cute was a very special song lyric she created on the spot.... From the moment we met,

These are bullet holes and I love you 

While initially it just struck me as cute, funny, and catchy, it also got me thinking about how many times bullet holes have played in part in their relationship. 

I have no doubt that Oliver Queen would have searched every floor of Queen Consolidated and the world if need be to find the adorable blonde girl with the amazing legs who babbled at his picture and made him smile during one of the darkest times of his life.  But a bullet-ridden laptop sped up his search. 

Remember that the script said Felicity was the one who was supposed to be smitten in this moment?  LOL.  That boy was smoaked and there was no going back.  One of my favorite parts of this scene are Felicity’s first words to Oliver ‘I know who you are, Mr. Queen.’  Truly prophetic in nature that she would be the most instrumental person in helping Oliver see the hero within him. She has always been the one who lights his way and can get a smile out of him. Bless their organic chemistry that changed the trajectory of the entire show for the better.  And thank you Deadshot for the bullet holes. ;)

Emily then mentioned Oliver probably loved Felicity by the time he hides in the back of her Mini Cooper.  

Ironically, also because of a bullet hole from where his mother shot him.  

We knew that Oliver trusted Felicity’s expertise from the moment he met her.  But this scene took it to the next level.  Oliver trusts Felicity with his life, not to mention his secret identity and the location of his vigilante home base.  One that would feel more like a home once he asked Felicity to join the team and be an even more vital part of his mission and life.  Moira Queen did her son a solid. :)

So now that Steve and Em have confirmed Oliver and Felicity were in love with each other in season 1, these other bullet hole scenes carry a new significance.

Like when Count Vertigo kidnapped Felicity and Oliver left his mother’s trial in a rage.  He confronts The Count as an angry (and hot) amalgamation of the Arrow and Oliver Queen in the suit with the hood down.  Their verbal sparring takes a violent turn when the Count shoots at Oliver and grazes his arm.  But it isn’t until the Count directly threatens Felicity with a syringe of vertigo that Oliver responds with three rapid-fire arrows that send the Count out the window to the death.

Oliver immediately goes to check on Felicity and she immediately reaches for the wound but Oliver assures her ‘it’s nothing.’  Because in that moment, to him, all that matters is her.  He would do anything for her, including breaking a vow he made to himself.  There was no choice to make.  Kudos to you, Count Vertigo.

As much as Oliver tries to protect her, Felicity still has free will and she is a brave badass in her own right.  This is especially evident when Felicity jumps in front of Sara and takes a bullet in the shoulder.  We don’t get to see Oliver’s initial reaction while they are still out in the field, but the aftermath back at the lair once Diggle has given Felicity ‘aspirin’ for pain and Sara has stitched her up.

Oliver wasn’t just asking about her bullet wound here.  Felicity had been feeling left out and Oliver wanted nothing more than to assure her that no matter who else comes and goes, she would always be his girl.  

Full disclosure: I’m not crazy about this scene in the context of the show at the time for numerous reasons I won’t go into here.  But at face value, Oliver looking at Felicity with so much love and pride makes my heart melt.  The way he gently cups her face and talks to her in the soft tone that is reserved only for her makes all of me melt into a puddle of feels.  Thanks for your time, Clock King.

For a show called Arrow, Oliver did on occasion deviate from the norm by using other weapons.  Like LOA swords to dual the Demon’s Head, which did not well the first time and Oliver was stabbed and kicked off the side of a mountain.  No worries, Tatsu had penicillin tea so Oliver recovered so they could fight again a few months later (I would normally lol here but Felicity is not amused so I won’t).

 Our boy does much better this time, defeating Ra’s with his own maneuver.  It’s Arrow so he doesn’t have time to celebrate before snipers shoot at him and he is sent off the edge of a very high bridge since apparently the theme of season 3 was to wound Oliver and then have him fall from a great height.  But instead of a cold snowy ledge, his fall is averted by the Atom swooping Oliver out of danger.  I’m sure Oliver is a big enough man that he would have thanked Ray but he didn’t have to because it was his girl who saved him.  The girl who has always saved him.  His Felicity.  And his smile is pure awe, pride, and love just for her.   

To tell you the truth, I’m not sure that Oliver was actually struck with any of the bullets.  It looked like he was but then in the next scene back at QC/PT, he didn’t seem wounded other than his hand.  Either way, we appreciate your shipper service, incompetent Star City police force.  

This night started out so beautifully.  Oliver united the citizens of Star City to gather for a lighting of the Christmas tree as a symbol of hope against the forces of evil.  But Mayor Handsome had bigger plans as he took an unsuspecting Felicity on stage with him to ask if she would make him the happiest man on the face of the earth (as if he wasn’t already; look at that dork’s ginormous smile).   

Felicity said yes, like she told him she would and Oliver slid the big bling onto her finger.  They shared a sweet snug before running off to the waiting limo.  Which still makes me laugh.  I mean on one hand, f*** those ungrateful Star City bitches but Olicity didn’t even spare them a glance before they peaced out. LOL

More snugs followed in the limo and they were so soft with each other in a state of genuine bliss. But those forces of evil retaliated swiftly and Felicity was caught in the crossfire. Oliver went from serene to shock in a matter of moments.

The bullet damaged her spinal cord and caused paralysis in the lower half of her body.  Oliver was consumed with rage and guilt, leaving Felicity alone at a time when she was feeling incredibly vulnerable. When he finally comes to see her, they have an honest and open talk where Felicity shares her fear that Oliver wasn’t there because of her condition and she even gives him an out.  One that he absolutely does not want and proves it to her by pulling her engagement ring out of his pocket to place back on her finger with the words ‘for better or worse.’

I still think this scene was one of the most heartfelt and well-acted scenes of the entire series.  And this will always be their real wedding to me.  Just the two of them.  Making a vow to each other.  Finding strength in each other.  Always. <3

Whew!  I haven’t done a post like this in quite some time and I have to say, it feels good to feel good about Olicity again.  I hated that the show ruined my enjoyment of them for a while cause they really are a one-of-a-kind and once-in-a-lifetime pair.  I want to dedicate this post to @cruzrogue​ who seems to be enjoying the these are bullet holes and I love you hashtag as much as I am. :)  

Happy hugs for all of you, fam!  And tons of appreciation for the fandom’s talented gifmakers!  Gif credits to:  primogif.com for the Felicity babbles gif; and fanforum.com for the Felicity these look like bullet holes gif. 

[thewatsonbeekeepers]

Chapter 9 – Rock’n’roll Suicide [TLD ½]

Bowie’s 1972 masterpiece of a song gets today’s chapter title, though with both song and chapter come a cn – as these metas go on, we’re delving further and further into the possibility of John’s suicide in the real world.

Tell them your darkest secret. That’s what Culverton says. As I’ve discussed in previous parts of this meta, I believe that Sherlock takes drugs in the show specifically to deal with his internalised homophobia, and whilst the drug-induced EMP is not a self-induced one, when he perceives himself to be high in his MP (which is a lot of TST and TLD) it means that he’s in deep repressive mode.

So, Culverton Smith drugs people to cover up his darkest secret. Sherlock’s darkest secret is his sexuality, and it’s something that he can’t tell John because he can’t take it back. This is very like Sherlock – he’s somebody who needs to know everything, and this unpredictability is something he can’t emotionally deal with on top of everything else – it makes him more vulnerable than he’s ever been. Culverton is his perception of the danger of his secret, that danger embodied in his MP, and it’s no coincidence that Culverton is undoubtedly the most odious of any Sherlock character. He’s instantly repulsive – an Umbridge type – and unlike other villains in the show, is pretty much universally loathed within the fandom.

It's impossible to analyse TLD without coming to the conclusion that the episode doesn’t make sense. If we take it at surface level, its inconsistencies are covered by Mofftiss’s skill, but they’re undeniable. There are two elements to this.

1.)    Culverton’s collaboration with Eurus

The more I think about it, the more I struggle to get my head around this one. Culverton Smith, serial killer, wanted to be investigated by Sherlock Holmes enough that he found himself an evil master of disguise to bring Sherlock the note. I know that Culverton has a penchant for confessing, which we might tie to the oft-touted idea that serial killers want to be caught. Fair enough. But nevertheless, bringing in an even cleverer criminal mastermind to help you is bizarre, if you’re just doing it to show off. The other option is that Eurus deliberately picked out Culverton, planted the seed in his head, all whilst pretending to be inferior; completely possible, but incredibly random – it doesn’t play into her TFP mystery at all, never coming up again, which feels badly integrated to say the least.

2.)   Sherlock’s deductions

Sherlock’s deductions are frankly bad in this episode. The other place where deductions are notably bad is in TSoT, which I’ve written about here X; the exact same problem applies in this case, which is that Sherlock’s deductions are based on ideas that have nothing to do with the case. In this case, I’m thinking about the word anyone, which the premise of the episode hinges on – he deduces that Culverton Smith is a serial killer not from anything he knows about Smith, but from recollections of Eurus!Faith, Molly and Mary talking about completely unrelated things. There’s a nod to how ridiculous this deduction is when Sherlock works out that Culverton is a serial killer, and then immediately says “why shouldn’t he be?” This is not how Sherlock Holmes works, and it’s a notable reversal of his usual strategy. Sherlock Holmes is famous for removing every impossibility until only one answer remains – he never plucks a solution out of the air and makes the case fit it, which this line suggests is exactly what Sherlock is doing. It also nods to the motivelessness of Norbury in the previous episode, when she asks “Why does anyone do anything?” – it’s a similar sense that the driving cause and effect of the previous three series has been suspended. This is definitely helped by the choice of Smith as a villain; serial killing is a generally motiveless crime in the traditional sense, and Smith’s actions are pretty much never interrogated in the whole episode. At least Moriarty had a thing about Sherlock. On top of that, the idea that names are always double is completely untrue, which is a flaw in deduction that again the conversation between Sherlock and Eurus!Faith accepts when they mention Napoleon and Elvis – sure you can rule those two out as targets, but what about Obama? Madonna? Cher? All of those are much more plausible than anyone as the first word to jump to – and it also shows that Sherlock didn’t remove all of the impossible answers.

Something I noticed about the lack of logic in TSoT was that it pointed to another way to read the mystery. In the case of TSoT, using the wedding as a framework to understand the crime was a random choice and didn’t make logical sense, so in this meta X I flipped it, and used the crime as a way of understanding the wedding. If we accept EMP theory, we don’t have a problem with the surface plot of TLD being pretty thin; that’s what dreams are like. But instead of the purpose of Sherlock’s deductions being to solve the crime, let’s flip it and see if we can use Culverton Smith as a framework for understanding anyone.

Molly is a long-established mirror for John, but she’s also quoting John at this point. Mary is talking about John. All of them are positioning Sherlock as John’s ‘only exception’ in some way – either nicer than anyone else, more hurtful than anyone else, or the only person who can save him. This is the secret that Sherlock is trying to cover up, and which I genuinely believe he doesn’t fully understand at this point; that he is the most important person in John’s life. It’s important (for reasons I’ll get on to later) that Sherlock is both the kindest person and the person who has caused John the most pain, so that needn’t worry us for the moment. What’s important is that Sherlock has tried to cover this up with drug abuse. It’s the worst thing he could tell John and also himself, because there’s much more riding on this than any other deduction – if he’s wrong, he’s hit in the place where he is most vulnerable. There’s also the suggestion that even if Sherlock’s not wrong, it may not be something that John would want to hear – and this fits with Sherlock’s own internalised homophobia, which is almost definitely being projected onto John here.

The most notable thing about using the Culverton secrecy metaphor as a framework for understanding ‘anyone’, however, is the absence of John Watson himself from this deduction. This is a really important feature of this episode, starting with the first half hour being pretty much dedicated to Sherlock and Eurus!Faith rather than Sherlock and John. It is Sherlock’s own internalised homophobia that is holding him back from understanding this deduction, and that’s why it’s vitally important that Sherlock and John are so far apart for the majority of this episode; instead, John’s place is filled by a variety of heterosexual mirrors or proxies who are all ventriloquising John in a way that makes it easier for Sherlock to comprehend in his repression, but simultaneously a lot more difficult!

On internalised homophobia and drug abuse, I’m going to take a brief diversion about Bill Wiggins because I think it’s going to solidify our understanding of how drugs function in the EMP. Bill Wiggins shares a first name with Sherlock – at the end of HLV, he tells John that his full name is actually William Sherlock Scott Holmes. Characters who are called variations on William and John are pretty much always mirrors for Sherlock and John, and the fandom pretty quickly picked up on the similarities that the brilliant drug addict Bill has with Sherlock. He appears in TLD in quite an odd scene – he’s at Sherlock’s flat when Eurus!Faith comes to visit him, and there seems to be no reason for him to be there; he gets about five lines and then Sherlock completely forgets about him and leaves him in 221B – sort of like how in a dream, once someone isn’t necessary, they disappear. I think that Bill represents the drug-addict part of Sherlock, something which is certainly backed up by his confinement to the kitchen.

If Bill is the drug-addicted part of Sherlock, we can think about him in terms of the famous Billy Wilder quote (another William!) – Holmes is addicted to drugs because of his sexuality. Bill represents Sherlock’s personal repression and inability to cope with his sexuality leading to his drug abuse. Knowing what we do about what tea and coffee mean in Sherlock (if you don’t you can catch up here X) the conversation Sherlock has with Bill in TLD is pretty revealing.

We know that Eurus!Faith is a mirror for John, but her gender is important here. Sherlock tells her to go, saying that having a cup of tea is more important, a reference to queer relationships which comes from TPLoSH. We should also note that Bill actually points out to Sherlock that the tea/coffee situation is a code!

Bill is watching from the kitchen, like he’s monitoring who Sherlock is talking to, and is very wary of Eurus!Faith, asking who Sherlock is talking to. Sherlock goes into the kitchen – a laboratory, associated with drugs – muttering about tea, and the character representing his drugged up self asks him wouldn’t he prefer coffee, and his eyes flicker over to Eurus!Faith. There is no reason for Bill to be putting down Sherlock’s desire for tea, and certainly not whilst making reference to a female version of John, unless we read these well-established metaphors onto the scene. Sherlock’s obvious highness in this scene shows that he’s in the repressive part of his brain, and after this conversation with Bill he runs after Eurus!Faith to stop her from killing herself, whilst also – explicitly – recognising for the first time openly that John was in the same situation in ASiP. Drug abusing, repressed Bill Wiggins pushes Sherlock to start to understand his relationship with John, but his repression means that he has to do this – or at least begin it – through a heterosexual lens.

Sherlock’s goal for the rest of the episode is to get a confession out of Culverton, something that we can now understand as a proxy or metaphor for bringing to light the mutuality of his feelings for John. He needs to bring them right out into the open, not just in this murky state of semi-understood – he’s abnormally secretive in this episode, not telling John his plan etc., which compounds the sense of secrecy. He needs something incontrovertible to prove that Culverton is a killer (that John loves him), likely because of this immense insecurity and vulnerability.

John coming to save Sherlock is important but actually, that saving and then reunion is secondary to the significance of the recording device, which is found in John’s cane. John’s cane has always been linked with his suicidal urges, since ASiP, but just in case we’d forgotten Mofftiss makes the link really clear by not only bringing in a suicidal cane-using John mirror and devoting a third of the episode to her mental state, but by having Sherlock explicitly link her to John via the cane. This show can get very cryptic, but this one feels laid out for us. John leaving his cane for Sherlock then is really important – it’s the first time (as I recall) that his cane has appeared since ASiP, when Angelo returned it to him as proof he was no longer struggling. The last time John left a cane behind somewhere, it was proof to the audience that Sherlock had saved his life. The repetition of this action in TLD finally lays out to Sherlock in queer terms, with John, rather than with Eurus!Faith, the simple truth that he saved John’s life. The recording device inside the cane is what catches Culverton out – in our terms, the cane is the proof that Sherlock needs, going back to the very first time he met John, that whatever John may feel for him, he is John’s most important person, the person who saved him.

[It’s not at all breaking my heart that it takes Sherlock this long to realise this despite being a deductive genius and John literally telling him this in TSoT even though Sherlock walked away because he couldn’t handle his emotions because it speaks to a chronic lack of self-worth. All of that arrogance is a front; what a poor child.]

I’m going to go into the hug scene in the next chapter because there are way too many ideas flying around in there for us to take them in here, but I hope you can see how the mystery’s solution in TLD, as unsatisfactory as the surface plot may be, is the perfect segue into the scene we love so well – because Sherlock can’t reach that point until he has accepted his importance in John’s life. The meta on TLD is quite short and will definitely get supplemented at some point, but I have limited time until college restarts!!

[afistfullofdaisies11]

A love letter to Grey’s Anatomy...

Alright so I slept on it..and I have a few thoughts about last night’s episode, and then I’ll be done talking about it forever. This is probably going to be long, sorry.

Spoilers for episode 16x16 of Grey’s Anatomy

(although I’m pretty sure everyone knows what happened by now).

First, some disclaimers. I understand this is a fictional show. I understand that the characters are not real people and these story lines don’t actually exist. I also understand that actors ARE real people with real lives and real families and real issues who deserve and earn breaks. They have the right to change their mind about the direction of their careers. I don’t know what goes on behind the scenes of Grey’s Anatomy, but if an actor says that he needs to leave in the middle of the season for personal reasons, then that’s something that I’m going to respect...even if he plays my favorite character. I’m not in the entertainment industry, but I am a teacher, so I understand having a demanding job that can be soul crushing and absolutely draining.

But I’m also an English teacher, which means getting attached to fictional worlds, and characters, and storylines, and over analyzing them is literally how I make my living. The books I read, the music I listen to, and the television shows and movies I watch are more than just entertainment for me. They help shape me into the person that I am.

When Grey’s Anatomy started, I was 15 years old. It was this new exciting medical drama with great writing, incredible story lines, and the best music. I’m turning 30 in a couple of months, which means I have dedicated and invested roughly an hour a week to watching this show for literally half of my life. If you count how many times I have re-watched the series, it’s much more than that. For me, and for a lot of us, this isn’t a show we just randomly found on Netflix and decided to casually watch. It’s been part of our lives for a long time—for some of us, half of a lifetime. That’s a huge commitment to give to a television show. It’s asking a lot from an audience. It’s asking even more from the cast and crew.

I’m seeing a lot of people say they are never going to watch Grey’s Anatomy again. I was one of them. I stopped watching after the midseason finale with the car crash and had no intention of catching up. But I did because I wanted to watch Alex‘s last episode. I’m interested to see what the fallout will be next week, but after that, I don’t know. I can’t see continuing this weekly commitment when I feel like the integrity of the show is gone.

I’m also seeing a lot of people say that they would rather Alex have died than this. I don’t think I feel that way. I’m glad he’s alive. I’m glad that he’s happy. But I’m so mad. I’m so mad that this is his ending.

I don’t know what the right answers are. When they killed off Derek, part of their defense for that decision was realism. People’s spouses die in accidents all the time. Kids lose their parents to tragic situations, but I can’t see realism holding up as an excuse this time. It doesn’t seem realistic to me that a man who has gone through as much as Alex Karev has gone through would make this decision. He wants to be with his kids. I get that. He should be. He was right that they deserve two parents who love them enough to stay. But he also made vows. He made vows to Izzie, and she left him. And then he made vows to Jo, who loved him through everything, and tried to protect him from her past. Their relationship was refreshing. To see two characters rise from the ashes of their pasts and make each other better people was my favorite part of the last eight seasons. I was looking forward to seeing their future.

I’m not going to go through this episode point by point because I think the fandom has that covered. But I will say, that I viscerally felt every character’s reaction listening to those letters. I was Bailey, watching one of my toughest students blossom into his full potential, and step up to raise the family he never had. I was Richard, angry that someone I invested so much time in teaching and working with could just leave everything he built and everyone he loved, like it was the easiest decision in the world. I was Jo, abandoned and betrayed by yet another person I loved. A person I spent nearly a decade building a life and planning a future with. A person who knew everything about me—everything I had gone through. A person who chose me time and time again when I gave him every reason not to. A person who patiently dismantled the fortress around my soul and surrounded me with unconditional love...then chose someone else, leaving me with nothing but a letter and his shares in the hospital. And then...I was Meredith, happy for my friend. Glad that he found something good. Sad to see him go. Sad that my kids lost another father figure.

So what now? How far can you push a fan base before they call it quits? Reading through comments and reactions, it doesn’t feel like a group of petulant children crying because they didn’t get what they wanted. We got what we wanted. Alex had a complicated but healthy marriage. He had a best friend and a family. He had a successful career that he worked so hard for, and a new hospital he was turning around. Alex Karev got his happy ending, and then he walked away.

If anything, I hope this makes Meredith and Jo become even closer. I hope Jo becomes a bigger part of Meredith’s family, and for both of them to kick ass and revolutionize the future of general surgery. I hope Jo forgives Alex. She has every right to hold onto this forever, but I don’t want her to. Other than Alex, she has become my favorite character. I would hate for this unravel her when she’s been through worse. I hope she moves on and finds someone who will stay. Maybe that will be Link, maybe someone new, maybe no one, but she deserves to be happy both professionally and personally.

That’s it, I guess. I love Grey’s Anatomy. I always will. It got me through grad school. It was a big part of my adolescence and young adulthood. And again, I know it’s fictional, but it still matters. I don’t know if I will stick around, but at some point, I’d love to see Jo and Meredith have a heart to heart where Meredith ends the conversation by echoing Cristina, telling Jo, “He’s not the sun. You are.” Because she is. They both are.

[luckyjak]

Why I Don’t Ship Widojest: A Master Post

An anon sent me an ask about this topic, and I debated for quite a bit about how to answer it. Then I decided the best way was to do a long post like this. I put a lot of thought into why I don’t like it, and I thought to share it.

A few things: 1) I am not telling you not to ship it. The goal of this is not to say “Don’t ship Widojest! It is a bad ship and you are a bad person for shipping it!” That is not my goal, okay? The internet and fandom in particular is meant for fun, and if you enjoy Widojest then more power to you! Don’t let me or anyone else stop your fun! Lord knows I have shipped significantly more problematic things. All I ask is that you tag shit more but that’s beside the point.

2) I am not particularly interested in argument. You are not likely to change my mind. I am not trying to be hostile, but if you know reading this is going to piss you off, then don’t read it. A question was asked of me, and so I thought to share my opinion. Unfortunately for everyone involved I am a high school English teacher, and so I cannot think about anything without completely overthinking it.

About my shipping preferences: generally, I like all the ships! I was particularly fond of Widomauk before Molly died, and I now I really enjoy Shadowgast, but I also like Fjorclay, Fjester, Beaujester, Beauyasha, Widofjord, Clayleb, Lavorclay, and, as the only person on earth, Yasha/Caleb. Hell, if Astrid gets a good redemption arc? Caleb/Astrid or even Caleb/Astrid/Edowulf. Any of those ships could become canon and I’d be tickled pink! You can even throw Nott into the mix, even though I mostly ship her with her husband. Nott/Fjord? Delightful. Nott/Caleb? Weird flex but why not? Nott/Jester? Absolutely! They are the best detectives!

I just don’t like Widojest and I don’t want it to be canon, and here’s why:

Doyalist Reasons First:

1) Laura and Liam played twins for years, still act like siblings even though they aren’t related by blood, and it squicks me to think of them together romantically.

Laura and Liam are fantastic actors. If they were hired to play a romantic couple, I have no doubt in my mind they could knock it out of the park.

But why on earth would they want to pretend to be a romantic couple, in a game they both play for fun? 

It would be weird. I play D&D with several guys I consider my brothers, and I can’t imagine pretending to romance either of them in d&d for that same reason. It would be weird. 

Maybe it wouldn’t be weird for Liam and Laura. Maybe they are more dedicated to their RP, and they’d be able to push that aside for the sake of fictional romance. But for me, that would be the last thing I’d want to play, and I suppose I project that onto Laura/Liam.

2) A lot of “evidence” for the ship is the way Liam looks at Laura.

To which I say...did you watch Vox Machina?

That’s how Liam looks at Laura all the time. He’s the president of her fanclub. He’s her twinsie. He always looks at her with hearteyes. I have a hard time seeing that as “evidence” for him having feelings for her when...that’s just what his face looks like.

Now, for Watsion reasons:

3) It has all the benefits for Caleb, and none for Jester

Seriously. What does Jester get out of a relationship with Caleb?

Don’t say someone who understands her, because Caleb certainly doesn’t. In fact, the only person who routinely “gets” Jester is Beau. (see: their conversation on the ship.)

Lots of people accuse Widojest as being a Manic Pixie Dream Girl ship because...let’s be realistic, it has all the makings of one. Tortured, broody man meets young, innocent girl who teaches him to enjoy life once again? Wikipedia’s definition is “[girl with] eccentric personality quirks and are unabashedly girlish. They invariably serve as the romantic interest for a (most often brooding or depressed) male protagonist.” Guys, that is textbook Manic Pixie Dream Girl! It gets even worse because Jester’s character is a healer! You want her to heal him? That is squicky!

And yeah, I trust Liam and Laura to be more nuanced than that, but do you know who I absolutely do not trust to be more nuanced?

The fandom. The fandom that is already producing mass amounts of Manic Pixie Dream Girl fanfic. And as that’s where I spend a lot of my free time...egads. I do not want that.

The few Widojest fics I have read (which, admittedly, are not a lot, because again, I don’t like the ship. The few I have read have been tagged as gen and then come to find out, weren’t.) have the distinct problem of woobie-fying Caleb so that Jester can take care of him, and gosh, I do not want that to become a trend. 

4) Age Gap

Yes, thirteen years is not that major of an age gap. Yes, Fjord/Jester also have a large age gap.

However, there is a world of difference between “20 year old girl displays romantic interest in a 30 year old man, who decides he likes her back after getting to know her for months” vs “33 year old man decides to pursue a 20 year old woman after they danced one time when he was drunk and held hands and she showed general concern for his well-being.” One is decidedly more creepy.

(And would Jester be the one to pursue a relationship with Caleb? I almost think she’d have to, but again, why would Jester ever pursue Caleb when Fjord/Beau are right there.)

(Also, side note that I thought about making it’s own point but then decided it was petty: if Jester’s type is Fjord--tall, broad-shouldered, dark haired, muscled, then Caleb--skinny, red-head, shorter than Fjord--decidedly isn’t her type.

You know who is tall, dark, and handsome though? Beau.) 

And do not say Jester is mature for her age, because she absolutely isn’t! In fact, the whole point of her character is that she’s not mature, she’s very immature and childish on account of her being locked away and being incredibly sheltered most of her life! 

Also not a good excuse: Caleb spent 11 years in the asylum and therefore he’s only mentally in his 20s. Uh, no he’s not. He was in an asylum: he was not brain dead. He lived those years. He might’ve been crazy, but he was alive then. Nothing Liam’s done suggests that Caleb is mentally in his 20′s.

5) What would they even talk about?

This is probably actually the one that bothers me the most out of all these reasons, but uh....what would Caleb and Jester talk about, if they were in a relationship together?

Seriously.

They could talk about books? But Jester only ever reads terrible romance and smut. We saw when she tried to pay attention to the dunamancy lessons that she struggles to be interested in that academic stuff that is Caleb’s bread and butter. They could talk about their childhoods? That will go over well. Jester was locked away from society and Caleb straight up murdered his beloved parents. If they manage to avoid that, I’m sure they could fight again over income, what with Jester being a rich kid and Caleb being a poor farm boy. Pranking? Caleb enjoys a good prank now and again, but I can only imagine he’d tolerate getting banned from so many libraries.

They are a cat and a dog, literally. Caleb is an introvert and his idea of a good time is a quiet night at home with a good book. Jester’s idea of a good time is a party with lots of people! Yet I’m supposed to believe they’d have a happy and fulfilling relationship? Don’t get me wrong, many introverts and extroverts do get married in real life, but like...I have a hard time seeing this one working out. How many dicks do you think Jester draws in his spellbooks--which are expensive and time-consuming and require precise work--before that becomes a point of contention? 

6) He doesn’t trust her enough to tell her his secrets

Hey quick poll! Who in the Mighty Nein doesn’t know that Caleb murdered his parents?

Fjord. Caduceus. And look, Jester.

I have a hard time buying that he sees her romantically when he can’t even tell her one of the biggest things about him. And he’s known her for months at this point.

If I liked a guy, and I found out he had this big secret, and he had told Beau but not me this secret? I would think he didn’t trust me.

I suppose you could argue that he’s trying to protect her. But then that just goes back into the whole “he doesn’t trust her” argument. He even had the opportunity to and he didn’t during their whole hand-holding thing a few episodes ago!

7) What does their ending look like? 

Listen, my ideal ending for Caleb at the moment is “maybe after ten years of friendship he lets Essek tenderly hold his hand for just a moment but no longer” but that’s just me. I see a lot of people who seem to think Caleb’s going to settle down and marry Jester and they are going to have kids, and I just--

Caleb? Having children? Caleb, who murdered his parents and has severe PTSD surrounding that? Caleb, who was abused by his mentor daily for many years? You want to give that Caleb children??? Children who he would constantly worry may grow up to kill him, like he did his own parents, or worse, that he’d do something to accidentally hurt them in a fit of madness?

I could see Caleb maybe adopting a kid if one was forced onto him, but I cannot see him going “ah yes we should procreate!” 

Jester, meanwhile, needs like approximately fifteen kids ten years from now, I think. She’d love them. She’d just adopt an orphanage and let the kids run wild and be the best at playing games with them.

Also, character arcs are important. Because Caleb’s ideal ending is stability and Jester’s is exploration.

Caleb, traumatized child soldier who has spent the past 15 years in an asylum and also fighting for his life, and before that spent time traveling between the Zemni Fields, Ikithon’s home in the country, and the Empire’s Capitol, who then escaped the asylum and spent all of his time running, trying to avoid being caught by Ikithon. The best ending for Caleb is to find peace; peace that involves not having to move around anymore, and having a home again, something he hasn’t had in almost twenty years. Maybe that home is a tower in Nicodranas. Maybe it’s a house in Xhoras with six other people. Maybe it’s a quiet bookstore in Zadash, or a little cabin in the Zemni Fields. A garden/graveyard in the woods. Either way, it doesn’t involve a lot of travel from place to place.

Meanwhile, Jester, who was trapped in exactly one place for her entire life, deserves a chance to explore the world. Even when the Mighty Nein disband, I can’t see Jester being happy to just go back to Nicodranas and stay there for the rest of her life. She may settle down eventually, but uhhh, not for several decades, I don’t think. Part of why my two big ships for her are Fjord and Beau: Fjord wants to be a sailor again, I think, which involves travelling the world, so I could see Jester going out with him. Beau, likewise, is an Expositor whose job is to seek out corruption, which again, means travelling, which Jester would be happy to do with her. Hell, the three of them could go together, sailing and punching evil for all of time! It would be great!

(Also: her god is called the TRAVELER why would you want her to settle down and be a mom??? What part of her story makes you think she needs to stay in one place?)

Lastly

I apologize if this post offends anyone. I’ve just been thinking about it for a while, and while Widojest as a ship has surged in popularity, I suppose I wanted to make a counterpoint about my feelings towards the ship. This isn’t meant as an attack on anyone, again, and please, if you like the ship then don’t look at this as a reason to stop liking it! Fandom is for fun! Keep liking what you like!

And I can’t promise I’m always going to feel this way about the ship--hell, the VOD of Thursday’s episode may come out on Monday, and I may watch it and be converted myself. Who knows! I didn’t like Vax/Keyleth at first either, but it grew on me and now it’s one of my favorites from Vox Machina.

(ALTHOUGH Mr. O’brien I swear to God if you romance Jester while flirting with Essek in a direct parallel to Keyleth/Vax/Gilmore I’m going to fly to LA just to punch you.)

Part of me wonders too if it just comes down to character interpretation, if there is something about their characters that is clicking for some people but isn’t for me. Admittedly, I love Caleb and Jester’s friendship, and I see them more as growing like siblings that romantically, but I’ve been wrong before and who knows, I may be wrong again. But if it is a character interpretation, I just wonder what they are seeing about the characters that squicks me but appeals to them.

[mi6-cafe]

It’s Supportive Sunday!

Supportive Sunday is a day when we encourage you to support someone in the fandom!

Here’s some ways to do that:

Kudos something you like

A short comment (“Loved this!” or “Extra kudos!”)

A more detailed comment (“X made me laugh out loud!”)

Make a rec post

Send a creator a short anon ask about their work! (“What inspired X?”)

Send a reader who’s commented a short anon ask showing your appreciation! (“Your comments make my day!”)

Reblog this post with a rec

This Sunday we’ve chosen to feature the creation which were created for the MI6 Cafe miniBang. Yes, it is a bit late, but because of all things 2020 the deadlines kept moving slightly, and then there was Fest but here you are:

Behold all the minibang creation below the line

“Wedding Gifts and Butterflies”

by Ana (juggling_hearts)

Summary:

Of course, the wedding and everything associated with it had been, dare he say it….fun. But Sebastian was more than glad to have some time to both of them, no interruptions or guest insight. Just him, his husband and the boffin’s wedding night gift.

6.5k, 00q, fluff and smut, e-rated

>>READ HERE<<

Art by Nana-chan: Tumblr

“Were you expecting an exploding pen? We don’t really go in for that anymore… (or do we?) ”

by AtoTheBean

Summary:

Rumour has it, back in the days of old Boothroyd, the gadgets were divine. Or ridiculous, depending on your point of view. And Bond doesn’t have any complaints about Q’s tech, but he still gets a bit wistful when he reads those old mission reports.

, 00q, fluff and humour.

>>READ HERE<<

Art by meduszoa: Tumblr

“London Unmade”

by Boffin1710

Summary:

The London skyline was dark, cloud covered, as a light drizzle fell. The darkness broke in a few places here and there by what appeared to be the flicker of flames dancing across the drifting clouds. Streets were silent. Only the bravest, or the fool hearty, were out this time of night anymore. The remaining were sheltering, hiding, repenting for their sins as fear and death consumed the population of the city. This was London unmade.

4.7k, 00q00, angst/au - apocalypse, implied character death.

>>READ HERE<<

Art by AsheTarasovich: AO3, Tumblr

“Serenade On Your Heartstrings”

by christinefromsherwood

Creator Spotlight

Summary:

It was still dark when the phone began to ring. Q forced his eyes open. “Jaaaames.” “…Ooh love, ooh loverboy…” “Hnnnnng.” “Let go. I need to take this.” James’s arms around him tightened, pushing against his bladder. Suddenly wide awake, Q tried to squirm away towards the nightstand and his phone.

3.8k, 00q, established relationship/domestic fluff/light angst.

>>READ HERE<<

“A moment before” by Ksan: Tumblr

“Silence”

by Dassandre

Summary:

“You must have fucked something up on that last mission,” Alec said around a mouthful of chicken tikka at lunch one afternoon.

5k, 00q, heavy angst.

>>READ HERE<<

“Art for Silence” by BBR: Tumblr

“Halt & Catch Fire”

by Eltea

Summary:

When stolen Q-branch schematics and an attack on an MI6 whistleblower both point to the same culprit, Bond and his allies find themselves flying halfway around the world to California - where they’ll have to navigate the glamorous, treacherous world of Silicon Valley tech startup culture if they want to catch a traitor and stop a disaster.

19k, gen, action.

>>READ HERE<<

Chris (ravenclawkwardly): Tumblr

“The Parting of Hero and Leander”

by Equinox2324

Summary:

Bond and Q have managed to turn their relationship of mutual annoyance to one of friendship. They also sleep together sometimes.When Bond is called away to an incredibly dangerous, high-risk mission, Q is absolutely not worried in the least because he and Bond aren’t actually together. Honestly. Especially not when he finds out that Bond has been critically injured in the middle of the mission.Cut to Q being in distress about his boyfriend who is absolutely not his boyfriend and some pining.

9.4k, 00q, angst, mutual pining.

>>READ HERE<<

“yearning” by Ruggsie:

Tumblr

“N00Bz”

by furiosophie

Summary:

There is little that escapes Bond, but for the life of him, he cannot fathom how he ended up going from what felt like a life or death situation to sitting on a hotel room bed, eating pizza with a man wearing a Grumpy Cat shirt and not much else. For a brief moment he wonders what Alec would do now, in a situation like this - in bed with an asset and nothing but a cat seperating them. Fuck. He knows exactly what Alec would do.- Or the one where Bond has to go undercover at a Fortnite World Championship and his best chance of tracking down the bad guys is to work with the cocky, obnoxious, and incredibly cute star player Q-TEA and his cat.

9k+, 00q, e-sport au, fluff/angst.

>>READ HERE<<

“Cover Art” and “Snes” by christinefromsherwood: Tumblr

“Q and Bond” by myo.mikan: Instagram

“A Second Time”

by Ghoul

Summary:

Bond’s an old dog that’s outlived his owner. Where else is his loyalty supposed to end up now that M is gone?

3.8k, 00q, angst.

>>READ HERE<<

“Art for ‘A Second Time’” by Boffin1710: Tumblr

“Standard Protocol, and Other Workplace Hazards”

by hideyseek

Summary:

In which Q gets into an argument (with HR), and gets out of his head (about Bond), and gets by. Or: MI6 finally gets to the paperwork around Q’s emergency promotion.

5.3k, 00q, fluff? what’s a genre. it’s light, it’s workplace romance. sorry!!!!.

>>READ HERE<<

“A Moment for Tea” by storm_of_sharp_things: Tumblr

“Genius”

by IrishWitch58

Summary:

Bond is home from a mission and looking forward to spending time with Q. Q is having issues with people thinking he’s just a brain. Taking lunch should be a way to cool things down, shouldn’t it?

4.5k, 00q, smutty fluff.

>>READ HERE<<

“Embrace” by dhampir72: AO3

“Movie Moment”

by Izzie

Summary:

Q has just been recruited at MI6. Bond has worked there for years. When the pair meet by chance in Q’s bookstore, sparks fly but neither is willing to admit it. A formal work introduction turns into an unofficial date at an art gallery and as Bond walks Q home in the rain, the two men screw their courage and take the opportunity to have a “movie moment.”

3.1k, 00q, first meeting.

>>READ HERE<<

“Movie Moment” by 10k: Tumblr

“Surprise! A Twin!”

by Liv

Summary:

Benoit Blanc finds out he is a twin. A twin brother to James Bond.

8.3k, fluff, Knives Out Crossover: Benoit/Q

>>READ HERE<<

“The Mario Cart Scene” by Chris: AO3

“Killing Me Softly (With Biscuits)”

by Mely (Celyan)

Summary:

Wherein James returns from a mission and finds out the hard way that sometimes, biscuits can be more explosive than one might think. Well, at least he gets a date out of the ordeal, as well as one (1) biscuit.

3.3k+, fluff and humour, getting together

>>READ HERE<<

Art by BBR:Tumblr

“Chirps, or the Feline Foes of James W. Bond.”

by midrashic

Summary:

James Bond is fluent in English, Spanish, French, German, Portuguese, Arabic, Mandarin Chinese, Japanese, BSL, and, just for fun, Esperanto. He never thought he’d be adding “Cat” to that list.

7K, 00Q, established relationship/domestic fluff.

>>READ HERE<<

“Cover Art for Chirps” by BlueBellOfBakerstreet: AO3, Tumblr

“Dedicated”

by Nana-chan

Summary:

Prompts: A) Dedication B) In an attempt to get the sleep deprived Quartermaster to finally go home, Bond offers to buy his groceries. In the grocery store when he looks at the note Q had sent him, he discovers there’s been a mixup. He doubts Q would have sent him to buy lube, condoms and a new pair of lacy knickers.

E-rated, 3.9K, 00Q, romance: established relationship

>>READ HERE<<

Art by Azure7539:Tumblr

“Glint”

by ProblemWithTrouble

Summary:

Q is on vacation when Bond arrives which is odd because Bond was supposed to be retired and with Madeleine Swann.

3.5K, 00Q, fluff

>>READ HERE<<

“Storyboard for ‘Glint’” by Ven: Tumblr

“Art for ‘Glint’” by Olly: Tumblr, Instagram

“Kitty Kitty Bang Bang”

by SouffleGirl91

Summary:

Bond’s done. The last mission was a wake-up call, he’s not up to par anymore. Moneypenny could have died. After weeks of moping, help comes from an unexpected quarter – his balcony. The old ginger tom’s got a limp, torn-up ears and a scar above his left eye. He also likes tuna and is a very good listener.

11k, 00q, fluff, getting together.

>>READ HERE<<

“Selfie” by dhampir72: AO3

“Sweetener”

by storm_of_sharp_things

Summary:

Alec Trevelyan takes stock of his relationship with James and Q, and discovers it is a refuge he never expected.

4.3k, 00q00, domestic fluff.

>>READ HERE<<

“Sweetener” by pettikotes: Tumblr

“The Claw”

by Venstar

Summary:

Something was clawing its way through Q’s mind.

3.5k, 00Q, thriller noir.

>>READ HERE<<

“Art for The Claw” by Azure7539: Tumblr

[woodrokiro]

Hollowed (fic) Part Three

Fandom: Bleach

Pairing: IchiRuki

Summary: They call her a miracle, but he looks at her as if she’s normal. It scares her. Fantasy/Futuristic/Zombie kinda?AU. Read Part One and Part Two.

As a kid, Ichigo imagined this place to be heaven on Earth. 

High up on the mountain, heavily secured by both stone walls and the near entirety of the militia, containing the smartest doctors and scientists dedicated to fighting the Hollowed--these are details that can allow more luxuries than one in the Valley could ever imagine.

He believed the walls to be just adorned in gold, gardens and fields bursting with fruits and vegetables to last years, doctors that can aid without having to wait until it’s officially deemed “safe” outside, and its people walking the grounds like they were on Cloud 9.

And… Yes, it’s incredible how privileged these people are to be living within such a structurally secured community. There are, indeed, ancient tapestries on the walls that must be hundreds of years old from the Old World at least, and he is disgusted with how plentiful the food is here compared to what is provided to the Valley.

But there’s… Something heavy in the air here.

The constant fog of the mountain has clearly taken its toll on the castle, as he notices mildew and mold in quite a few corners of stone. It’s crumbling, some trees outside bend to the ground as if too tired to pick themselves up, and it’s so fucking cold like good God, this is the place everyone says will be humanity’s saving grace?

And it’s not just the place itself: everyone walks with order, with a restrained purpose that never deviates within the day. There wasn’t much joy back where he was from either… But Jesus. He smiled at the maid that showed them their rooms the first night and she nearly bolted out of the room. There is a dark look in everyone’s eye, a near-obsessive work ethic as if they’re terrified  that today someone will call them lazy and have them kicked back down the mountain. 

Of course, the level of comfort at which you sit in your job depends on your station. 

 The caste system here nearly dictates that the militia is king, the scientists are nobles, and the “service” (cooks, farmers, housekeepers) are the bugs beneath everyone’s feet.

And Yamamoto is God. 

Blame it on him being from a normal (albeit, more dangerous) village, but he hates this hierarchy bullshit. 

---

“The more I see of this place, the less I like,” he tells his group their first night with crossed arms. “What, just because they have more access to weapons and protection they’re better than us? What makes that old guy in charge? Why did that Hinamori chick just near run out of the room? And what was the deal with that...” he motions wildly with his hands, trying to express… He doesn’t know. “You know. The girl in the really fancy dress, what’s her deal?!”

He sees Karin rolling her eyes, and Uryu sighs. “Kurosaki, we don’t have a choice. Obviously we’re allowed here on some favor from your father, but these aren’t people we want to rock the boat with. It’s a thin line between being a reluctantly welcomed guest and a happily thrown out one.”

“While it’s clear that Ichi-nii is having issues expressing himself here, I agree with my brother,” Karin cuts in. “On the other side of that coin: why did they allow us in? There have been people with more vying for a position here for years. Protection like this is worth all the gold and silver and food in the world. What was with our dad’s sword that made it so easy? Something’s fishy here, and I don’t like it.”

“Maybe Lord Yamamoto remembers your father as a friend, Ichigo? Or he just suddenly realized that there were some jobs open? There were these extra rooms already here, after all…” Inoue’s voice is hopeful, and Yuzu next to her nods enthusiastically in agreement. 

But Karin won’t budge. “Nah, these guys are military, the same ones that were supposed to protect us all these years and failed so miserably they escaped up here. There’s no way there are noble intentions here.”

“The point is, we can’t be too careful here… Or at least reckless.” Uryu shoots a pointed look at him, and Ichigo has a not-so-rare urge to throw him out the window. “We have to lay low for a bit and keep our guard up. Kurosaki, it’s clear Yamamoto’s got some sort of an interest in you. He arranged some meetings with you in the coming days, yes?”

Ichigo shifts. “Well, yeah, but that could be just because he’s setting up a position for me--”

“All the rest of us are to report in the common hall for our positions tomorrow. You’re the only one actually meeting with him.” Uryu raises an eyebrow. “See what kind of information he gives you. Take note on what he needs from you. But remember: you have to follow his rules on his time. That’s the only way we’re going to know a little better on how this place works.”

The group sits in silent contemplation until Yuzu sniffles. “And then what?” Her voice is shaky, and her watery eyes break Ichigo’s heart. “After we figure out the system… Then where do we go? What do we do?”

Ichigo is about to say something falsely cheerful to comfort his sister before Chad in his corner clears his throat. 

“We survive,” he finally says, and that has to be good enough for all of them.

---

And three days in, Ichigo still has no clue what Yamamoto’s got in store for him.

Although the messages he has received each morning since their arrival says that he’ll be meeting with the old man, he finds out it’s more like he’s meeting with generals and captains who represent Yamamoto, or something.

Powerful people are fucking weird.

In any case, he’s certainly not been twiddling his thumbs. A General Ukitake gave him a tour of the grounds, focusing more on the military section--and Ichigo guesses Yamamoto wanted to see if he was true to his word on using a sword, because then he was forced to spar with a few of the soldiers.

Mostly easy fights, if you ask him--although one bald guy and an angry redhead kind of gave him a rough time--but Ichigo just barely avoided a battle with a Captain Kenpachi, who grinned maniacally and demanded a battle “as soon as the old geezer puts you back here.”.

(Ichigo’s pretty sure at this point he’s going to be put in a military position, and it fits. But he would really really like to not be in that captain’s squad.)

There’s been a couple of actual meetings with the old man, but nothing of substance: each lasts an uncomfortably long ten minutes, with Yamamoto staring at him for long periods of time before peppering in casual questions about his village, his group, and his father.

It’s bizarre, but Ichigo decides to follow Uryu’s advice for once and go along with the whole thing. He bristles at Yamamoto’s question concerning his mother… But otherwise, he answers them as honestly as he can. 

He’s not given the worst job, he supposes. 

Actually, nearly none of them are. Uryu--while resenting the military system as much as he did--snagged a spot at the wall with his bow, and he mentioned they might give him a position within science, what with his family’s medical background. Chad scored a position in weaponry, and while he doesn’t have any previous experience (that Ichigo knows of), Ichigo’s confident he’ll do great. 

The girls are in the service, and Ichigo feels… Conflicted about that. 

He gets the icky feeling that it’s weirdly sexist (even though Yuzu really is talented in the kitchen… BUT HER GENDER HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT), and can’t help but feel it as demeaning to his sisters and friend. The service is treated bottom rung here, after all, and if someone even remotely tries to mess with one of them…

Not to mention Karin is absolutely miserable. 

But he knows she grits her teeth, does her job alongside Yuzu and Inoue and everyone else for the sake of being remotely safe for once in their goddamned lives. If she can suck it up, so can he.

The longer Yamamoto has him wait for his job, the more nervous it makes him. That’s all. 

---

On the fourth morning after the others have headed to work, he receives a message to go directly to Yamamoto’s quarters. 

He’s escorted by a few soldiers--which is weird, considering the ease of which he’s been going place to place the last few days--and the old man is sitting patiently at his desk, hands clasped together. 

It’s like he’s going to get punished.

And he has no idea what Yamamoto has on him (probably something his old man did, screwing him over even after probable-death, the fucker), but Ichigo prays to whatever god might still be out there and care about humanity that the world can do whatever it wants to him, just leave his friends and sisters be--

“I’ve assigned a guard job for you, Ichigo Kurosaki.”

He stares blankly at the old man. 

“That’s… It? After all this time?”

Yamamoto smiles in a way that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “Yes, well, we do apologize for the delay. There were some… Precautions that we had to take before getting you to this position. We wanted to make sure you were a right fit.”

“Oh… Okay. So am I at the gate with Uryu, or--”

“No, no. None of that.” A gnarled hand waves the thought away. “This is a private guard position. Very important. Tell me, do you remember seeing our Lady Rukia the day you arrived?”

Ichigo tries to think of the female faces he caught in the crowd, and then remembers the woman in the ornate garb. “The one dressed in all the… Dressed really nicely?”

“Yes, that very one. She is dressed to reflect how precious she is to us. We call her our ‘Prized One.’ Tell me, have you ever played chess? You might call her the queen of our board.”

“... I’m not sure I follow--”

“You don’t need to.” The response is sharp, so swift that Ichigo almost startles. Yamamoto glares hard behind his hands at him, before suddenly relaxing. “Just know that your job is to guard her. You will be going with her where she goes, watching the entrance to her rooms. We have enemies that would very much like to take her, and that… Would be devastating to our cause.”

Ichigo’s having a hard time biting his tongue on all the questions bubbling up. What the fuck is up with this girl? 

Instead, he asks: “So, in terms of guarding her at night… I suppose what I’m trying to say here is, will I be her only guard? I hate to tell you I can’t be awake twenty four hours, sir.”

The old man chuckles dryly. “Of course not, my boy. Nothing of that sort is expected. We have a rotating staff at night while she sleeps; but you will be her primary guardian. In return, your group will be made of good use here.”

Ah. There it is. 

“So you’re blackmailing me, eh? I knew it was only too convenient that you took on my friends and sisters so easily.”

“Not at all. They have all been mastering their duties beautifully. This is just… Insurance, you might say. If you do your job, they will keep theirs. You would be wise to take it; others have not had such an offer.”

“So why me? What’s so important about this job, and why does it have to be me that does it?”

“You’ll learn, as I’m sure your friends have told you, that it’s better not to question this institution. Just trust that this is a job I consider you capable of, and leave the decision making to us. Now,” Yamamoto slides a sheet of paper from the corner of his desk to himself and begins to write on it. “Go to the Northwest Hall, fourth floor. If you get lost, there will be service persons that can lead you the right direction. They’ve been made aware of your new position.”

The old man doesn’t even acknowledge Ichigo’s leaving as he writes further.

[homespork-review]

HOMESPORK ACT 5 ACT 1: Mobius Double Plusungood, Part 1

CHEL: Yes, Act 5 Act 1; here begin the “act acts”. Just go with it.

FAILURE ARTIST: Welcome to Act 5 a.k.a. The Act Everyone Skipped To So They Could Get To Those Grey Demons. While I was a reader before Act 5, I wasn’t a huge fan until this part. The trolls are a great species. Different enough to be fascinating, but not different enough humans can’t relate. And what exactly is in their pants? That’s for the fandom to figure out.

BRIGHT: And fandom accepted the challenge with enthusiasm.

CHEL: Also, they’re fuggin’ adorable. It took me a while to get used to nonhumans in the sprite style and I thought they were creepy-looking at first, but we also see them in the more noodly style used in the dramatic moments with the kids, like the fall of Prospit, and that helped them grow on me a lot.

FAILURE ARTIST: The Act starts off with a grey planet with a green moon and a pink moon. A prompt box like the one for the Kids’ introductions is above it. In the box are letters in a script blatantly stolen borrowed from The Elder Scrolls games and turned 180 degrees. (Later on, when Hussie made a game that people paid money for, he couldn’t exactly use a stolen font so the team made an all-new font. But the old font is probably in the print books). Anyway, in case you’re curious, the letters spell out “Turdodor Fuckball”. This is the wrong name, and the right name is…Trollplanet. Though it’s called Alternia in the flavor text below and everywhere else.

So starts the arc called Hivebent. We cut to CG in a very grey room flapping his mouth occasionally at nothing. He’s introduced much the way John was.

This young troll stands in his respiteblock. It just so happens that today, the 12th bilunar perigee of the 6th dark season's equinox, is the day of this young troll's larval awakening, also known as his wriggling day. Though it was six solar sweeps ago he was given life, it is only today he will be given a name! Six Alternian solar sweeps, for convenient reference, is equivalent to thirteen Earth years. Earth, also for convenient reference, is a planet that does not yet exist. What will the name of this young troll be?

However, like Dave, he attacks the prompt box. He doesn’t want to do all the little gags and patterns.

CHEL: Thank God!

FAILURE ARTIST: This Hivebent arc will go much faster than the four acts before it. No dawdling along for this species. There’s twelve characters to be introduced and characterized before this is done.

CHEL: That said, it’s still going to be much, much longer than the others.

FAILURE ARTIST: So, CG’s name is Karkat Vantas. All of the troll names have a 6-6 pattern and are usually named after astrological and mythological motifs. Karkata is the Sanskrit name for the constellation Cancer and Vantas...is a prostate cancer treatment drug. Don’t look at me, I didn’t name him.

CHEL: It’s also possibly connected to “vanitas”, relating to Karkat’s simultaneous arrogance and lack of self-worth.

FAILURE ARTIST: Today is Karkat’s wriggling day. Let’s meet the birthday boy. He loves movies, though the narrator says he has terrible taste. In his room, there’s edited posters of “50 First Dates”, “Serendipity”, and “Hitch” that makes them look like troll movies, including lots of small type for the title. Like John, he likes to program but he’s not good at it. In fact, he’s so bad his programs are basically computer viruses. He wants to join a military organization called the THRESHECUTIONERS when he grows up. His weapon of choice is the sickle, possibly as a counterpart to John’s hammer.

He chats with his friends on a new program called Trollian, which is a reference to the real-life chat program Trillian. Fans forget that Trollian was a new program, except for Nepetaquest where the plot revolves around the making of that improbable software.

CHEL: Which begs the question of how they communicated before. Most of them don’t seem to have met each other in real life yet. Obvious answer is a different chat program, but in that case, why draw attention to Trollian being new instead of just having it be how they communicated from the start? It doesn’t really add anything IMO.

FAILURE ARTIST: Anyway, talking with his friends drives him BATSHIT UP THE FUCKING BELFRY, which is a very human phrase.

The first prompt Karkat gets is to examine the slimy pod in his room. This pod is a recuperacoon and serves as a bed. Trolls need that slime to help assuage the terrible visions of blood and carnage that plague the dark subconscious of your species. Why do they have these species-wide bad dreams and how does slime help? It’s never said.

CHEL: The slime appears to be a form of drug, possibly a sedative. In Hiveswap we see it also has minor healing properties. Why trolls would have evolved to consistently suffer nightmares isn’t brought up here, but there are possible explanations later.

FAILURE ARTIST: Actually, after Act 6, recuperacoons aren’t mentioned. Also, oddly enough, the narration says sleeping is done nightly but we later learn trolls are nocturnal. The terms night and day aren’t used consistently in Hivebent.

WHITE SBURB POSTMODERNISM: 20

Karkat gets into the pod, but immediately regrets it. He changes his clothes (off-screen of course) into clothes that look exactly the same. This is because Trolls think fashion is stupid.

Next, he examines his movie posters. Turns out trolls have their own version of John Cusack, among other celebrities. Troll Adam Sandler is his favorite actor and one person he doesn’t want to do violence against. In his narration, he thinks Sweet Baby Jegus though Jegus isn’t actually a thing in troll culture.

WHITE SBURB POSTMODERNISM: 21

Karkat tries to captchalogue his sickle and we get some more sylladex hijinx! His modus becomes too heavy and literally falls through the floor. I thought picking up weapons was different from captchaloging stuff? We’re told these hijinx won’t last long and eventually Karkat trades his modus with his hacker friend. Good. For now, he just picks up the big black book on his dresser.

The big black book is about a programming language called ~ATH and for some reason is in Roman script. It’s a morbid little language and there’s a cartoon figure of the Grim Reaper and a fake (or real?) quote from Troll Will Smith. Karkat finds this language incredibly hard. There’s probably some sick programmer jokes I’m missing here.

CHEL: There’s one I’ve been informed of; ~ is called a tilde, so the name of the program is “tilde-ath”, or “till death”. I can’t say I recognise any others though.

FAILURE ARTIST: Karkat steps outside. He lives in a huge grey and red house (or hive) in a suburb as sterile as John’s. Trolls create their own homes as toddlers after beating the trials in the brooding caverns. First hint of how harsh Alternia is, yet everyone has their own housing which is sweet.

It's almost as if your people have placed great cultural importance on teaching children to become architecturally adept while very young. It has been this way since ancient times. No one seems to know why that is.

Hmmm…

Karkat almost has a poetic moment while looking out at the moons, but he rejects poetry. He also rejects mailboxes, which trolls don’t have because they have no mail.

CHEL: Do they mean no paper letters because they all have internet? I recall that they do receive packages.

FAILURE ARTIST: I think they have courier service but no dedicated government postal system.

So instead of poetry, Karkat talks about AMBITION. He wants to be something great but he doesn’t know what exactly. We’ll see where this character arc takes him.

We get a little detail about the Alternian calendar and it concludes with “You have a feeling it's going to be a long night.”

Karkat goes back inside. He checks out a Game Grub magazine with a disgusting image of a leaking grub and a DVD for his favorite television show. The show is THE THRESH PRINCE OF BEL AIR, which is a take-off on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air but is about a green threshecutioner cadet who sasses up the bluebloods in his flaysquad pretty good. The “green” and “blueblood” parts aren’t turns of phrases but literal. Given the strict hierarchy we find out trolls are under, it’s amazing there’s a series about a sassy subordinate. Maybe he’s only sassy in Karkat’s mind.

CHEL: Actually, that’s not too unbelievable.

FAILURE ARTIST: The title of the show doesn’t follow the convention of troll movie titles and that’s because 1) television is a newer medium and 2) it would ruin the joke.

Finally, Karkat gets down to business on his computer. His first friend to “troll” him has a purple Capricorn sign. Now, this friend is a character that though I’m now quite attached to, I didn’t much care about them in the beginning. I’ll try to be objective though.

terminallyCapricious [TC] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] TC: wHaT iS uUuUuP mY iNvErTeBrOtHeR? CG: WHAT IN THE SWEET ALMIGHTY TAINTCHAFING FUCK DO YOU WANT. TC: NoT a MoThErFuCkInG tHiNg BrO. TC: oThEr ThAn I bE cHeCkIn OuT hOw My BeSt MoThErFuCkIn FrIeNd Is At Yo.

Yes, my first thought too was “that’s a really annoying typing style”. Karkat agrees and complains about TC’s typing style. TC temporarily goes all lowercase but says it feels uncomfortable. Karkat complains more about how awful TC is and wonders what he did to deserve such a terrible friend. Instead of being offended, TC says friendship is beautiful and confusingly calls it a TrOlL dIsEaSe. We’ll see some stuff that suggests trolls don’t have friendship or at least don’t consider it in high regard but mostly trolls have friends like humans do.

BRIGHT: Despite his protests, Karkat has eleven friends, in a society that is not set up to facilitate this. I’m pretty sure that when I was his age I had maybe three.

FAILURE ARTIST: TC waxes on miracles like the carbonation in a bottle of Faygo. Yeah, trolls have Faygo.

CHEL: That’s a gag, though, so no WSP point.

FAILURE ARTIST: Karkat tells him that’s just carbonation but TC rejects science as just stealing the magic from miracles.

CHEL: It comes up more clearly later, but we’ll tell you now that TC’s entire character at this point, especially that line, is basically a shoutout to the Insane Clown Posse song “Miracles”.

Watch on YouTube

FAILURE ARTIST: After some more bantering, TC gets down to business: TA is going to play a game. Karkat says he’s not interested but TC says TA is Karkat’s best friend, which is sad when you consider TC calls Karkat “best friend”.

CHEL: TA, if you don’t remember, is twinArmageddons, the computer programmer.

FAILURE ARTIST: TC gets distracted by a horn going off and even types out a surprised yell. Karkat tell TC to get rid of the horns and TC says “MaN yOu KnOw YoU wAnNa GiVe My HoRnS a GoOd SqUeEzE. :o)” which sounds really flirty. Karkat says if he meets a kid as annoying as TC, he’ll convert to TC’s religion. TC is happy about this. With that, the conversation ends.

We cut to TC and he’s a motherfucking clown, baby! But I’ve already re-capped so much and need to give someone else a turn.

CHEL: Okay, I shall step up! TC’s actual name proves to be GAMZEE MAKARA, and he’s wearing a purple Capricorn sign. The name Gamzee was picked by a forumite as a reference to another user who went by Gammy, but it may also be a reference to “Gämse”, the German name for the chamois goat. Makara is the Sanskrit name for Capricorn, and also the name for a type of creature from Hindu folklore which would include the Capricorn sea-goat. There are several other layers of possible and probably-coincidental meaning listed on the Wiki, which we’d have to bring up spoilers to discuss, so we’ll save that for later.

Beyond his name and sign, Gamzee has clown makeup, explosively curly hair, long spiral horns, and a slightly glazed expression. Nightmarish pictures of evil clowns plaster his walls, his floor is piled with bicycle horns, juggling clubs, and Faygo bottles, and an oversized unicycle is propped against the wall. When he picks up a Faygo bottle and his “husktop” computer, his MIRACLE MODUS is seen, a hideously complicated mishmash of various styles which flickers and spins obnoxiously. Even Gamzee doesn’t know how it works, he just likes to watch the colours.

FAILURE ARTIST: Gamzee belongs to a RATHER OBSCURE CULT that believes in a BAND OF ROWDY AND CAPRICIOUS MINSTRELS who are CLOWNS OF A GRIM PERSUASION WHICH MAY NOT BE IN FULL POSSESSION OF THEIR MENTAL FACULTIES. Basically, he’s a Juggalo who worships the troll equivalent of Insane Clown Posse. Though the cult is called obscure and said to be looked down upon, later it is shown to be a state-sponsored religion. I guess maybe it’s just Gamzee’s particular denomination that’s looked down upon.

CHEL: “Obscure” also means “hidden”, so the retcon could be justified in the sense of it being mysterious? Or it might be related to spoilery Hiveswap theories. We can get into those if we ever get round to Hiveswap.

Gamzee attempts to ride the unicycle, but fails - unsurprisingly, since it’s taller than he is and he attempts to ride it by standing on the saddle. He falls off into a pile of horns, and decides instead to sample the luridly green pie on the counter, which turns out to in fact be made of the same SOPOR SLIME that trolls sleep in.

You aren't supposed to eat that slime. It does funny things to a troll's head. But you were never taught that on account of a lousy upbringing. Your custodian was always out to sea.

Gamzee arms himself with a juggling club to use against the alleged hostile SEA DWELLERS and heads out to wait for his missing guardian.

FAILURE ARTIST: His hive appears to not have a front door so I don’t know what’s keeping the hostile sea dwellers out.

CHEL: Someone contacts him online and he intends to settle down with a Faygo and answer, but he doesn’t know how to retrieve things from his miracle modus. Gamzee performs a short prayer to your beloved MIRTHFUL MESSIAHS, the faces of the two members of Insane Clown Posse superimposed over the background, and throws a pinch of SPECIAL STARDUST in his face. We never find out what exactly “special stardust” is; it appears to just be glitter, but it comes up much later. His attempts fail, however, as the modus instead launches his Faygo miles out to sea.

You wonder if you can just... Just sort of reach over... And...

Apparently the sylladex modus can be physically reached, so there was no need for the endless pages of shenanigans in the first place. *quiet rage* But anyway, gallowsCalibrator is trolling him.

FAILURE ARTIST: GC asks G4MZ33Z if he’d like to play G4M3Z3Z with her. He replies "hEy YeAh ThAt SoUnDs LiKe ThE mOtHeRfUcKiN sHiT's BiTcHtItS!" She says something very tsundere in reply:

GC: 1T SUR3 1S H4RD TO 1GNOR3 TH3 W31RD TH1NGS YOU S4Y SOM3T1M3S! GC: BUT 1M GONN4 GC: TH3 ONLY R34SON 1M 4SK1NG YOU 1S B3C4US3 YOUR N4M3 1S L1K3 G4M3 GC: 4ND NO OTH3R R34SON GC: G3T 1T??? >:]

Gamzee isn’t offended she said this and GC gets annoyed he’s always rolling with the punches. She says that’s why Karkat can’t stand him. Harsh in hindsight. GC gets down to business and tells Gamzee they are going to H4V3 SOM3 MOTH3RFUCK1NG SH1TTY B1TCH3S PL4Y1NG TOG3TH3R. He asks if they could play later because he’s waiting for tHe OlD gOaT (which happens to also be a nickname for Satan).

TC: yOu KnOw HoW iT iS wItH fAmIlY. GC: NO, NOT R34LLY! GC: 4DURRRR DURR DURP TC: Oh YeAh... GC: DURRRRRRRRRRRRR GC: W4Y TO GO, HOW DO3S TH4T STUP1D BOTTL3D SYRUP OF YOURS T4ST3 W1TH YOUR HOOF SO F4R UP YOUR MOUTH??? GC: >:] TC: sOoOoOoOrY.

This is the first time we find out GC has an unusual homelife. Yet it isn’t true that she has no family.

BRIGHT: And given how rarely Gamzee’s guardian is around, it’s not like he has much of a family either. Or a standard homelife.

CHEL: That’s also an... excessive response to a slip-up, but from what we see later, that’s how almost all the trolls talk to each other all the time.

FAILURE ARTIST: It’s also problematic, because she’s doing an ableist imitation of the speech of people with mental disabilities. Though I suppose trolls aren’t meant to be PC.

CLOCKWORK PROBLEMATYKKS: 19

Gamzee suggests GC play with Karkat instead. She rejects this idea and says she used to play with him but he got too annoying. Gamzee then agrees to play and says give him a minute. She says he’ll just space out and that’s what he does. When he gets back into the conversation, he makes a second faux pas.

TC: hAvE yOu EvEr EvEn SeEn ThE oCeAn? TC: oR i MeAn SmElLeD iT... TC: SoRrY. GC: >:[

People really get on this but it’s just the regular type of mistake people make while talking to blind or sight-impaired friends and he did apologize. Other characters say worse and never apologize. Some readers who know what happens later might attribute malice but right now he’s just a guy who does a lot of troll pot and makes mistakes.

CHEL: I know when I was eleven the blind kid in my class and I had a sort of running gag of “see you later”. It also isn’t very clear whether either of them is actually hurt by anything the other is saying. They don’t seem to be.

This is also probably a time to bring up certain things about Gamzee’s cultural coding. Even though we later find out he’s one of the highest-ranking trolls, certain cues about him would make people think of a lower-class human, namely his syntax, his eating semi-inedible substances (lack of access to other food?) and his love for cheap gross soda. (I’ve drunk Faygo. It’s weird.) This could just be a troll thing not being exactly the same as human things and also down to his guardian not being there, but there’s more.

Gamzee’s word usage involves a lot of quirks which are usually associated with African American Vernacular English, e.g. addressing others as “brother” or “sister” and using “be” instead of “am” or “are” or just leaving them out completely. His hair is probably supposed to look unbrushed, but it can also be interpreted as textured. His religious behaviours get described with the word “voodoo” a lot, and while this is a bit of a stretch I personally interpreted his typing and syntax as a Southern drawl plus he lives close to water, thus cementing an association with actual Vodoun in my head even though his actual practices aren’t anything like it. While the members of Insane Clown Posse, the band which inspired a lot of Gamzee’s behaviours, are both white, rap is a strongly black-associated musical style, and Gamzee is later shown to be interested in rapping. Stereotypical juggalos are white, but culture considers them to be worthy of mockery because they’re white people behaving in ways associated with black people. Add in his absent male guardian, drug use, and acting “trashy” when he’s one of the richest trolls, and this all adds up to a very clear mental image of him as a not-very-flattering portrayal of a black person. Coding a nonhuman character strongly with a human racial group isn’t a problem in itself, but when it comes off as supposed to be funny, it’s not exactly SU Garnet levels of good representation, is it? The fact that Hussie, prior to Homestuck, was known for drawing some incredibly racist comics (also including rape, abortion, and drug jokes, so be warned) doesn’t help; we won’t add points for those because we’re judging HS on its own merits and it’s possible for people to change and regret prior prejudices, but it sheds new light on things that’ll come up.

Individual CP points for his language, his hair, his voodoo association, his rapping, his Disappeared Dad, his drug use, and his being coded as poor despite not being so, I think. None of these would be bad on their own or portrayed as less “look at how funny/creepy this guy is”, but...

CLOCKWORK PROBLEMATYKKS: 26

BRIGHT: The first time I read Homestuck, I didn’t realise that Gamzee was meant to be disliked until somewhere in the middle of Act 6. I thought his situation was sad, but Gamzee himself seemed pretty nice, if dopey and not terribly motivated. I still quite like him. Did anyone else find something similar?

CHEL: Yeah, me. I thought he was pretty adorable.

FAILURE ARTIST: Gamzee suffers from abuse in the form of neglect. Though his guardian is arguably not quite responsible, it’s still abuse. As a result, Gamzee eats a dangerous substance and it’s probably why he lets people walk all over him. This is more obviously bad than Dave’s homelife. Yet it’s not ever dealt with and is even mocked. Hussie says in the annotation for this scene that there weren’t actually hostile seadwellers and Gamzee’s guardian just said that to keep Gamzee inside because he was ashamed of him. We find out later that seadwellers ARE hostile. This bit about Gamzee being gaslit is probably a joke then about how embarrassing Gamzee is. Yet isn’t it abusive to make up threats to your children to keep them isolated? Lots of fans consider Gamzee embarrassing too and so don’t see anything in this.

BRIGHT: Not to mention that it’s pretty fucked up to say Gamzee deserves abuse for being embarrassing, when that neglect and abuse is the reason he acts the way he does in the first place!

ARE YOU TRYING TO BE FUNNY?: 19 CLOCKWORK PROBLEMATYKKS: 30

CHEL: One CP for the “humorous” drug use and another each for the “joke” gaslighting and neglect, and another for the illogical justification. Wow, that count’s really starting to spike already! And I think now might be a good time to introduce another count…

IN HATE WITH MY CREATION: 1

This will be used whenever the author is clearly showing a lack of respect to the characters or situations that he himself created, in this case by setting up an abusive situation and mocking it when we’re supposed to have sympathy for another abuse sufferer.

BRIGHT: Depressingly, it gets worse later. Significantly worse.

CHEL: Not to mention, if Gamzee’s supposed to stay inside and his guardian’s absent all the time, and trolls “don’t get mail”, how does he feed himself? Even with the sopor, where does that come from? Is it just secreted by the pod or what? Does the pod need to eat? We’re never told. In Hiveswap, the sequel game, we do see that trolls can receive packages, but I would class packages under “mail”, so saying trolls don’t have it is needlessly confusing.

We cut back to Karkat, doing some coding which I’m sure would be very amusing if I knew the first thing about coding. Apparently the biggest problem with ~ATH is the near-impossibility of terminating its infinite loops.

What many ~ATH coders do is import finite constructs and bind the loops to their lifespan. For instance the main loop here will terminate on the death of the universe, labeled U. That way you only have to wait billions of years for it to end instead of forever. You have bound a subloop to the lifespan of the code's author, which is you. Any routine at the end will execute when you die.

So apparently coding is literally magic in this ‘verse? This is backed up by a code sent by TA:

This code, when executed, immediately causes the user's computer to explode, and places a curse on the user forever, along with everyone he knows, and everyone he'll ever meet. Not surprisingly, later on you would run this code in a fit of stupidity.

FAILURE ARTIST: The Internet is magic, why not programming?

BRIGHT: I think the coding is a pretty nifty thematic fit with the whole concept of SBURB! If you’ve got a video game that can affect reality, it’s reasonable to extrapolate that coding can do something similar, even if only by piggybacking off the Game’s infrastructure. And once they get into the Medium, it makes even more sense.

CHEL: True! In the meantime, TA trolls Karkat. Karkat’s speech pattern is remarkably similar to Dave’s, except infinitesimally less wordy and much angrier.

TA: KK dont fliip your 2hiit about thii2 but iim 2ettiing you up two play a game wiith 2ome people. CG: WHY WOULD I FLIP MY SHIT ABOUT THAT. TA: becau2e you fliip your 2hiit about everythiing. CG: WELL WILL YOU LOOK AT THIS. CG: HERE IS MY SHIT, AND YET IT REMAINS UNFLIPPED.

*snerk*

CG: JUST SITTING THERE ON THE SKILLET, GETTING BURNED ON ONE SIDE. CG: IT'S A MIRACLE. TA: oh no are you iinto miiracle2 now two becau2e iif you are youre fiired preemptiively from the game. CG: FUCK NO. TA: ok niice. CG: MIRACLES ARE LIKE POOP STAINS ON GOD'S UNDERWEAR. TA: eheheh makiing fun of people2 reliigiion2 i2 the be2t thiing two do. CG: THAT'S WHY HE HIDES THEM, THEY'RE FUCKING EMBARRASSING. CG: GOD LAUNDERS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS.

Very Judeo-Christian concept of God for an alien species.

WHITE SBURB POSTMODERNISM: 22

FAILURE ARTIST: There’s seemingly no other troll religion but Gamzee’s cult and that has dual gods, not monotheism.

CHEL: Anyway, TA is setting up a game of SBurb, or SGRUB as the trolls call it, which he made from 2ome crazy technology AA dug out of 2ome ruiin2. Karkat hasn’t been told about this by AA, whom he deems “SO SPOOKY”, and whose full handle seen in the chat roll is apocalypseArisen - spooky indeed and thematically appropriate. Mention is made of TA’s WEIRD MUTANT BRAIN; exactly what this means isn’t described yet except that it doesn’t mean he can read Karkat’s mind. TA refuses to elaborate on what he’s discussing with AA on the grounds that it’s private, and this leads into an insult-exchanging session.

TA: nobody hate2 hiim2elf more than you iidiiot. CG: YEAH WELL I HATE YOU WAY MORE THAN I HATE MYSELF, AND THAT'S FUCKING SAYING SOMETHING. CG: IN FACT I HATE YOU MORE THAN I HATE MYSELF AND YOU HATE YOURSELF AND YOU HATE ME COMBINED.

Karkat calls a timeout long enough for TA to explain how they’re playing the game; he intends there to be two teams, Red and Blue, 2o that there2 a better chance of at lea2t one group wiinniing. Karkat agrees this sounds sensible, but flies off the handle on finding out that TA and GC are the team leaders, not him. Karkat spews insults and accusations of cheating, while TA snipes back. This is presumably the moment depicted in this page’s art, in which Karkat yells angrily and flails wildly at his keyboard.

CG: HOW DO YOU GET OUT OF YOUR COCOON IN THE MORNING KNOWING YOU'RE THE WORST THING A UNIVERSE WAS EVER RESPONSIBLE FOR? CG: ALSO IT MUST BE HARD WITH YOUR HANDS TO PERSISTENTLY BOTHERING EVERY MUTATED SET OF GENITALS PEPPERING THAT GHASTLY HUSK YOU PAWN OFF AS A BODY. CG: HAS A FEMALE EVER LOOKED AT YOU WITHOUT AT ONCE TURNING SKYWARD AND ERUPTING LIKE A VOMIT VOLCANO, ANSWER ME THAT.

As later pointed out, trolls reproduce bisexually, so why he specified females here is odd. There is a fan theory I’ve seen that TA is straight, as he’s only seen with female partners and rejects a possible male one, but Karkat demonstrates in a later conversation that he has no concept of gender preference, so if TA is, Karkat doesn’t know that. I guess he could mean that he himself has looked at TA without becoming a vomit volcano, but I doubt that was what Hussie was thinking since it isn’t clear if they’ve ever actually met face to face.

WHITE SBURB POSTMODERNISM: 23

Anyway, TA tells Karkat that he’s laughing at Karkat’s immaturity, and that if he really wants to be Red Team leader, he should talk to GC.

CG: I GUESS THESE CONVERSATIONS WE HAVE DO GET KIND OF EMBARRASSING IN RETROSPECT. CG: ARE WE NOT FRIENDS ANYMORE BECAUSE OF STUFF I SAID. TA: eheheheh you LIITERALLY a2k me that every tiime are you jokiing. TA: ii cant even tell anymore.

Okay, that’s adorable. But anyway, after seeing their conversations, you can see what we mean when we say it’s apparently normal for trolls to say horrible things to each other, so why fans and Hussie himself single out some instances and not others is stupid.

ARE YOU TRYING TO BE FUNNY?: 20

FAILURE ARTIST: It’s another example that trolls do have friendship, though possibly not the same way humans do.

Also, though he’s not doing it to her face, Karkat is insulting GC’s blindness. Which is not just problematic but also silly given that her blindness is a super-power.

CLOCKWORK PROBLEMATYKKS: 31

After a quick panel where Karkat worries about an encounter with a “CRABBY” someone downstairs, we cut to GC. She is in a very colorful room, unlike Karkat’s grey one, and surrounded by stuffed dragon toys. On her wall is graffiti of a dragon and disturbingly a noose. Photorealistic books are piled on her desk. She’s introduced and we finally get her name: TEREZI PYROPE.

Terezi is the word for “Libra” in multiple languages, but it also might be a reference to the gender-bending blind prophet Tiresias. Pyrope is a type of red garnet and she does love red a lot.

Terezi lives alone deep in the woods (which does raise the question of how she gets all her stuff in a mail-free planet). She loves dragons, including the plushie series called SCALEMATES.

CHEL: Her walls are also decorated in the scales of dragons, which actually do exist on Alternia. Libra. Scales. Geddit?

FAILURE ARTIST: She likes roleplaying and once did a more extreme type until she had an accident that’s not explained at the time. Her big interest and motivation is JUSTICE and she wants to be a LEGISLACERATOR when she grows up. She doesn’t need TROLLBRAILLE (does such a thing exist?)...

WHITE SBURB POSTMODERNISM: 24

... since as we know she has special powers. Alternian law is called BRUTAL and indeed it’s so terrible I have to side-eye Terezi for loving it.

CHEL: She claims to love JUSTICE, but Alternian law has very little to do with justice of any kind, as we see when she decides to start roleplaying it with her toys.

On Alternia, there is no such thing as a defense attorney, or a defense. In a courtblock, the word defense itself is offensive.

Not to mention the judge, a chalk depiction of whom adorns her wall, is known as HIS HONORABLE TYRANNY.

Also, do thirteen-year-olds regularly roleplay with their plush toys? I guess ones who are isolated from all actual life forms they could play with instead might.

FAILURE ARTIST: Terezi’s scenario this time is the trial of SENATOR LEMONSNOUT, played by a yellow scalemate. Given that Alternia seems to be an absolute monarchy, I wonder where she gets the concept of senators.

WHITE SBURB POSTMODERNISM: 25

Terezi stares down the yellow plush toy before she starts slapping it. She fantasizes about the toy crying tears. The yellow plush toy’s crime is embezzlement, using a currency called imperial beetles. Whether this is a real currency or something Terezi made up we don’t know.

CHEL: As we see later, she’s using a bag of literal beetles in the game. Not sure if they are currency, if she went and caught them, or if trolls can buy them in bags.

FAILURE ARTIST: If you are reading this comic sometime post-2015, there’s two choices. One of them is [???????] Ignore that choice. It becomes relevant only much later. For now, we go to Terezi calling a witness.

Unfortunately, said-witness is a green plush who has been stabbed by a photo-realistic dagger. Apparently, defense attorneys are verboten but murdering witnesses is expected. Alternian justice, everyone.

BRIGHT: It might be moderately less batshit if we assume that Terezi’s obtained all her legal knowledge from TV, movies, and books, and this is a dramatic embellishment rather than the way Alternian trials actually function. She does live on her own in the middle of a forest, after all.

On the other hand, this planet is inhabited solely by children, the over-the-top cruelty is entirely in keeping with Alternia so far, and I don’t think we ever see any of it contradicted.

FAILURE ARTIST: Terezi finds a bag of beetles and that’s all that’s needed to sentence the “criminal”. Her method is to flip a coin called a caegar that has two-heads on it, one of them with a cut on it. The narration says this is like Two-Face from the Batman comics and the villain of the movie No Country for Old Men, though those media don’t exist in the troll universe. Still, trolls have the same trope. She flips the coin and though the result is favorable to Lemonsnout, Terezi declares she can’t see the coin because

SHE'S BLIND, REMEMBER?

She “kills” the stuffed toy by hanging it, like she’s done with many of her stuffed toys. We see now she lives in a tree house (or hive) in a blue and purple forest.

CHEL: In most media, a character being set up like this would be a villain or set up for a heel-face turn, or at least a massive source of conflict over the differing moralities of the different societies. We’ll see if anything ever comes of that.

FAILURE ARTIST: She finishes up by licking her chalk portrait of His Honorable Tyranny. Weird kid.

She gets her weapon (a photo-realistic cane as used by real-life people with vision impairment) and gets down to recruiting members for her team. Her first target is AC, short for arsenicCatnip, who appears as a speech bubble with the Leo sign in olive. The narration says Terezi likes to roleplay with AC, but only facetiously. Terezi and AC roleplay as a DRAGONYY'YYD and some type of big cat. Terezi tries to eat AC’s cub but AC bribes her with an animal called a BULL CHOL3RB34R.

CHEL: AC types with a symbol like this at the front :33 < and with a heavy spurrinkling of cat puns. From what she says about her character, the type of cat in question has two mouths, and it’s later stated that :33 is in fact supposed to be a cat face, one mouth atop the other. The evolutionary or indeed anatomical usefulness of this feature is unclear. Perhaps it’s so they can bite down on prey and vocalise to communicate at the same time? That would be more useful for a pack hunter… Anyway.

FAILURE ARTIST: That done, Terezi asks AC to play a game and has to clarify she means outside of the game they are already playing. AC is interested but she says she has to get purrmission from a certain guy. Terezi thinks it’s ridiculous AC is scared of him because she kills big animals with her bare hands and lives far away from him. AC knows it’s ridiculous but she still wants to get permission. The relationship looks bad now but we later find out it’s part of troll society and it’s odd that Terezi thinks AC is motivated by fear. Anyway, AC says she’ll ask the guy and the conversation ends on that.

CHEL: I don’t know if Hussie either had come up with the relationship system or even decided if those two were going to have a relationship at this point. If he did, he might not have meant them to be in that relationship yet at this point, they could have started it later. It’s not really clear. Not a problem, though, serial writing develops that way sometimes.

FAILURE ARTIST: Terezi trolls Gamzee but thankfully it cuts off before we have to re-read the entire conversation. Next, Terezi has to deal with Karkat. She doesn’t want to ask him to play except as a last resort.

However, Karkat trolls Terezi to tell her he’s the leader of the Red Team now. Terezi doesn’t care though since she just wants to play the game. Karkat says she’ll be second-in-command but Terezi’s sarcastic reply turns him off the idea. The two insult each other and Terezi mock-flirts with Karkat.

GC: 4NYTH1NG TO G3T YOU TO STOP B31NG SUCH 4 B4BY CG: WHAT'S A BABY. GC: OH GC: 1TS L1K3 4 MYTH1C4L L1TTL3 P1NK MONK3Y

CHEL: Once again, babies only come in Caucasian, apparently. Also, doesn't the word "baby" apply as an adjective to non-human species all the time?

WHITE SBURB POSTMODERNISM: 26

FAILURE ARTIST: We find out that Terezi is not supposed to have a LUSUS and if she did, the world would come to an end. Karkat is also confused by this statement. Karkat blames the trees for her weirdness and offers to move her into one of his neighbor’s hives. One of his neighbors has been CULLED (killed) and Karkat is blase about this. Terezi turns down his offer. Karkat excuses himself to DEAL WITH THIS GRUMPY CUSTOMER.

We cut to a little later. Karkat’s hive is covered in colorful paint and in the middle of a lake of red. This is the LAND OF PULSE AND HAZE and Karkat is the KNIGHT OF BLOOD. Karkat now has the weapon HOMES SMELL YOU LATER, a sickle in 90s colors. He trolls Terezi and complains about how she wrecked his home. Another running gag: girls ruining boy’s homes. He says she messed with his LOAD GAPER. Terezi (and us) call that a toilet. Toilet is blue blooded vernacular. Later on, highbloods use the term load gaper so I guess Hussie forgot this interesting world-building. Karkat is also upset by the paint job that wasted lots of grist. Terezi calls his fighting adorable and Karkat says it’s ADORABLOODTHIRSTY. He wants to be the next one to connect to a client and she says it doesn’t work that way. It’s only at the end he brings someone in. The priority now is to save her from the meteors by getting her in the game. Karkat hadn’t heard of the meteors until now and is very alarmed. Terezi tells Karkat to talk to apocalypseArisen, twinArmageddons, AG, or CT. There’s a conspiracy going on with those four people. With that, Terezi says she’s got to go.

CHEL: Also, an important point comes up in that conversation; Terezi demands to know what colour Karkat’s blood is, and he refuses to tell her. In case you haven’t picked it up by now, troll society is in fact supposed to be stratified by the colour of their blood. Literal blue blood is towards the higher end of the rankings; Terezi’s on the greener end of blue, so securely middle class. Karkat types in and wears grey, which is not a natural troll blood colour, and the other trolls consider this weird and suspicious. Looking at the list of names on Trollian, we see they range through the rainbow, except for some reason the greens, blues, and purples are split into several layers. I was confused by this at first; I knew he needed twelve colours instead of seven, but it seemed weird that they weren’t more spread out. Then again, social stratification does get a lot stricter up at the top. I thought perhaps the reds, browns, and yellows also come in other shades but just get lumped together because they’re peasants and no one cares? It’s not discussed in canon, but someone actually does have an explanation for it; it’s what you get when the RGB and CMYK colour wheels overlap.

A little while ago, a spooky-looking young troll lady with glowing white eyes and a maroon Aries shirt sign - this being the colour of apocalypseArisen, so this is presumably her - hovers over a frog-topped temple extremely similar to the one on Jade’s island. With a wave of her hand, the frog’s head breaks off and crashes to the ground.

You're not sure why you did that, really. There'll probably turn out to be a reason. There's a reason for everything. Understanding this lets you be reckless.

Somewhere else, Gamzee’s Faygo bottle, now photorealistic, lands at the feet of a mysterious someone who is wearing striped pants and what appear to be blue and purple bowling shoes, of all things. This person complains about Rubbish from the LAND DWELLERS and picks up the bottle with a hand wearing a purple ring emblazoned with an Aquarius symbol; the name in that colour text in the chat, should the reader go back to check, is caligulasAquarium.

FAILURE ARTIST: How fucked up was troll Caligula? Maybe he just broke troll taboos.

CHEL: The implication of him having an aquarium is making me picture Troy McClure.

We go back to Karkat’s hive and rewind a little, to see him deal with the earlier-mentioned crabby customer…

And we need to provide the text from this page in its entirety so we can discuss it.

FAILURE ARTIST: If you want to know why Homestucks go so crazy over buckets, read this and weep!

You go downstairs and confront your custodian, which is another term for a frightening beast known as a LUSUS NATURAE. Your lusus has looked after you since you were very young in lieu of any biological parents, whom you have never known. No young troll ever knows his or her blood parents, nor could such lineage ever be accurately traced. Adult trolls supply their genetic material to the FILIAL PAILS carried by imperial drones and offered to the monstrous MOTHER GRUB deep underground in the brooding caverns. She then combines all the genetic material into one diabolical incestuous slurry, and lays hundreds of thousands of eggs at once. The eggs hatch into young larval trolls which wriggle about to locate a cozy stalactite from which to spin their cocoons. After they pupate, the young troll with his or her newfound limbs undergoes a series of dangerous trials. If they survive, they are chosen by a member of the diverse and terrifying subterranean monster population native to Alternia. This creature becomes the troll's lusus, and together they surface and choose a location to build a hive. The building process is facilitated by CARPENTER DROIDS left on the planet to cater to the young. But only for building. They're on their own otherwise. The vast majority of adult trolls are off-planet, serving some role in the forces of ongoing imperial conquest, besieging other star systems in the name of Alternian glory. The culture and civilization on the homeworld is maintained almost entirely by the young. Trolls sure are weird!

CHEL: “Lusus naturae”, to start with, is Latin for “freak of nature”. Probably it means something else in Alternian.

FAILURE ARTIST: The lusus system is so bizarre. How long have they been using it? When we see what could be called a Bizarro Alternia, they also have lusus, so it’s not just because adults can’t raise children.

CHEL: Naturally-evolved symbiosis and parasitism are hardly unknown among animals on Earth, though no real ones really work like this. The closest I can think of among vertebrates are cuckoos and similar birds, where the egg is laid in another species’ nest and the hatchling kills or starves out the original offspring. This isn’t what’s happening here, as the lusus doesn’t have offspring of its own and wouldn’t appear to have any particular reason to let a young troll latch onto it, not to mention young trolls presumably look nothing like the offspring of a creature like that, and lususes/lusi (I don’t think there’s an officially accepted plural? The fandom latched onto the very non-Latin but suitably alien “lusii”) come in wildly varying species, so it’s not a case of a specific two-species symbiotic bond like clownfish and anemones. However, trolls do have psychic powers, so it could always be handwaved with a form of mental link.

BRIGHT: Bizarre as it is, the lusus system is nicely alien! I think that in this case, the lack of explanation actually works in its favour -- there’s nothing to point to and say ‘but that explanation doesn’t make sense’. I do like a good explanation, but in the case of background worldbuilding I think it’s fine to chuck something in and move on.

Also, we now discover that Jade had a perfectly normal childhood by troll standards. (Er, minus the murderous neighbours.)

FAILURE ARTIST: The narration says the “vast majority” of adult trolls are off-planet. This implies some small percentage of adults are on-planet. In the spin-off series Hiveswap Friendsim, there are characters on Alternia who get into, well, adult situations. The writers on Twitter clarified that there are trolls who are over eighteen Earth years but under the age of expulsion on Alternia. In one game, there’s adults who should be off-planet but aren’t, though how many trolls risk that is unknown.

CHEL: The age of majority in numerous Earth cultures is or has been twenty or twenty-one, so that’s probably what the writers were going for. Or, of course, just trying to avoid backlash from the Tumblr anti-shipping population. There are also cases where adults really should be on-planet but don’t appear to be, but we’ll get to that in the Friendsims.

I have to say I’m rather concerned by what appears to be a serious bottleneck in the reproduction system. According to everything we see, there is only one Mother Grub for the whole planet. What happens if something happens to her? Replacements are bred in the same way as queen bees or ants, but destroying the cavern where she resides would put a major crimp in troll society for a long time even if there was a replacement around. With ants and bees, there is generally more than one hive per species.

BRIGHT: We do meet one Virgin Mother Grub later on, and she’s acting as a lusus. I always assumed that there were at least a few around, otherwise having one potential backup breeder taken out of the pool should have raised a lot more fuss than it apparently did.

Moreover, while the Brooding Caverns aren’t described in Homestuck, they are described in Friendsim, and it is literally a single giant cave with the Mother Grub in the middle, surrounded by grubs, young trolls, and lusii. In one of the game routes, the Mother Grub is in fact injured by a distressed lusus, which would be easily prevented by having her in a separate room. There are apparently no barriers to an outsider just wandering in, and given that this is Alternia, said outsider could probably do quite a lot of damage if they so chose.

CHEL: Particularly since most lusii are extremely dangerous, and there are a hell of a lot of them there. It’s also been brought up in the Tumblr parts of fandom that it would be incredibly easy to rebel against the dystopian regime by taking the Mother Grub hostage or destroying/damaging the caverns.

FAILURE ARTIST: Karkat fights his lusus like the human kids fought theirs, but without a cool animation. It’s just a gif and a link to a 38 second tune. You’ll notice in the background on the fridge there’s a crude drawing of the crabby creature: a callback to John’s drawing.

We cut to TA, the troll we saw earlier get bonked by a key. TA has his glasses off and under them are a red eye and a blue eye. He puts them on dramatically in a reference to the CSI: Miami meme everyone has forgotten. After a long Dave-like block of text describing how this dude is cool but not cool, it turns out we won’t be introduced to him.

Cut to a troll with a green Leo sign on her shirt and horns that look a lot like cat ears. She looks cute but there’s blood on her walls. The narration is unnerved by her so we go back to TA.

TA’s name is SOLLUX CAPTOR.

CHEL: The name is taken from the mythological twins of the Gemini constellation, Pollux and Castor. The combination of sol-lux could also be read to mean “sunlight”.

FAILURE ARTIST: Behind him is what looks like a computer mainframe but covered in a yellow substance. On the wall, there’s red-and-blue writing. His recuperacoon has two openings, though it’s never even brought up why.

You are apeshit bananas at computers, and you know ALL THE CODES. All of them. You are the unchallenged authority on APICULTURE NETWORKING. And though all your friends recognize your unparalleled achievements as a TOTALLY SICK HACKER, you feel like you could be better. It's one of a number of things you SORT OF BEAT YOURSELF UP ABOUT for NO VERY GOOD REASON during sporadic and debilitating BIPOLAR MOOD SWINGS. You have a penchant for BIFURCATION, in logic and in life. Your mutant mind is hounded by the psychic screams of the IMMINENTLY DECEASED. Your visions foretell of the planet's looming annihilation, and yet unlike the typical sightless prophet of doom, you are gifted with VISION TWOFOLD.

I used to think “imminently deceased” meant “recently deceased” and not “going to be deceased”. Either way, it’s really a Blessed With Suck power.

Lots has been made of Sollux’s BIPOLAR MOOD SWINGS but I don’t think Hussie was seriously thinking of bipolar depression. Still makes for good fanfiction.

CHEL: Please don't use "bipolar" to just mean moody, Hussie.

CLOCKWORK PROBLEMATYKKS: 32 You have developed a new game, adapted via CODE PARSED FROM THE RUNES AND GLYPHS IN AN ANCIENT UNDERGROUND TEMPLE. You believe this game to be THE SALVATION OF YOUR RACE, though you are not sure how yet. To ensure success, you will distribute the game to two teams of friends, a RED TEAM and a BLUE TEAM. You will lead the latter group.

One guess what this game is. We also see “friends” being used in the normal human sense.

WHITE SBURB POSTMODERNISM: 27

The prompter tells Sollux to equip ninja stars, but it turns out he has psionic powers that allow him to move objects with a purple aura. However, in moving the ninja stars, he messes up and slices the BEEHOUSE MAINFRAMES. Little purple bees buzz around him and send him messages in beenary code. The prompter tells Sollux to taste the honey but he refuses.

You do not under any circumstance eat the MIND HONEY. The consequences are highly unpleasant.

Remember that. The mind honey is only supposed to be a soporific for his lusus.

Sollux snaps his fingers (spelling out 2NAP in his quirk) and the bees fall asleep.

CHEL: I only just noticed the “2nap” = “to nap” pun.

BRIGHT: Also, while Sollux does have psychic powers, those powers are not related to animal control. So this is a little strange.

FAILURE ARTIST: Sollux goes to his computer while stepping over video games, which in this world are colorful grubs. He first talks with Terezi. She knows about his game to save the world and immediately picks the Red Team. He wonders how she knew there would be a red team but she says it’s easy to guess he would make a red team and a blue team. This observation annoys him and he goes on a rant.

TA: maybe iim more of an aubergiine guy plu2 whatever that putriid color is you type wiith, what ii2 that, turqoii2e?

I have a headcanon he can only see red and blue and that’s why he doesn’t know what color Terezi types in. Considering his society is based on color this would be quite a disability.

CHEL: I’ve also seen headcanons he’s colourblind and struggles to remember which colours go where on the hemospectrum, as at one point he complains about how yellow is the lowest on the totem pole apart from something he can’t remember, while talking to someone who’s lower. (It’s actually third from the bottom.)

FAILURE ARTIST: They then talk about how this game will save the world. He isn’t sure how but he says AA can back him up on this. Terezi thinks he’s right...mostly. He says before this is done he will die twice and go blind, but he figures that’s what happens to a prophet of doom. He compares this to an angel getting its wings and we find out trolls consider angels to be feathery demons. Terezi wonders if this doom-and-gloom isn’t just part of his brain problems. He is offended by this reasoning and compares it to clown pieing, which in retrospect is scarier on Alternia than on Earth. He tells her to talk to AA and Terezi says AA hasn’t been the same lately. Sollux and Terezi say they’ll take the game seriously but they also goof around about it.

We cut back to the spooky troll from before. She kicks the frog statue so hard it all breaks off.

The prompter tells Sollux to deal with apocalypseArisen, the spooky troll we just saw. AA asks Sollux if he set up the teams, but without a question mark. He says he’s working on it. He asks if she’ll be happy to get out and leave the voiice2 behind. He says it would suck to have them stay until death, a statement which will become very ironic. AA says she’s 0k with a l0t 0f things...including their failure masquerading as victory. Sollux is angry at her pessimism. He gets more angry when he finds out the game will actually wipe out their people. He says he refuses to be team leader, but she says he was never going to be that. He threatens her with psionics and says he could do things that would make [her] head 2piin liike dervii2h iin a fuckiing blender which makes me wonder how trolls have Sufism.

CHEL: How many humans know where the term comes from? I could buy it as Translation Convention regarding, say, a clown cult thing, although everything seems to imply the trolls are speaking “English”. Still, the idiom comes from human Western culture, so...

WHITE SBURB POSTMODERNISM: 28

FAILURE ARTIST: She says she’s coming up, which only confuses Sollux.

He goes and tells Terezi and then Karkat that the Game has been aborted. Terezi is confused but doesn’t say much. Karkat accuses Sollux of trying to kick him out. Karkat declares the friendship cancelled, showing again trolls have friends. Karkat insults Sollux’s programming skills and threatens to run ~ATH. Sollux tells him not to be Karkat doesn’t listen.

TA: KK DO NOT RUN THAT CODE. TA: hello?????????????? carcinoGeneticist's [CG'S] computer exploded. TA: oh my god.

That is some amazing chat program.

The explosion kills Crabdad. Turns out that code causes the death of ALL of Karkat’s friend’s lusii. Each lusus gets prototyped, which seems heartwarming but turns out very bad for their session. We see Gamzee mourning his Goatdad’s death by harpooning in a moment that’s very sad, even considering how terrible a parent Goatdad is.

CHEL: And here I want to go back to Gamzee for a bit. The commentary, as we mentioned, says that Goatdad “told” him to stay indoors and was ashamed of him. However, in the actual comic, everything is set up to show the lusii as being non-sapient, i.e. not able to talk to their charges and not in possession of a concept of shame. They behave like regular animals, Sollux says his is dumb enough to walk right off the roof if not tethered, and the trolls go on repeatedly about how happy they are to have prototyped their lusii because now they can actually communicate verbally with them for the first time, as Rose did with Jaspers. This is similarly inconsistent in the later-written Pesterquest games, which we’ll get to eventually. So either Hussie forgot that lusii aren’t the same as parents…

WHITE SBURB POSTMODERNISM: 29

… or he claimed they were sapient when they weren’t before, solely to use them to bash Gamzee.

IN HATE WITH MY CREATION: 2

FAILURE ARTIST: Back to Sollux. He tries deleting all his computer viruses, but there’s one he can’t delete. It has a flashing billiard ball next to execute. It’s set to go off after the universe ends and even Sollux doesn’t know what it does. The narrator does know.

When executed, the subprogram will summon an indestructible demon into the recently voided universe. This monstrous being with the power to travel through time is inconvenienced very little by his arrival upon THE GREAT UNDOING. He has the entire cadaver of the expired universe to pick apart at his whim. From its birth through its swelling maturity and tapering decay. In a reality he is known to have marked for predation, he will go about assembling followers through various epochs, even going as far as personally establishing the parameters for his future summoning. Sollux couldn't know that the virus is essentially a formality. The demon is already here.

Sollux hears grumbling noises coming from the ceiling. His lusus, a BICYCLOPS, is kept chained to the roof of his COMMUNAL HIVE STEM and regularly fed and fought.

CHEL: A bicyclops, later also referred to as a biclops, is a roughly humanoid being with two heads, each with one big eyeball. A hivestem is basically a block of flats, made out of a giant hexagonal tube-like structure with small grey hive-homes built into the sides. I can’t tell if it’s supposed to be the literal stem of some kind of gigantic plant or not. Pretty cool if it is.

FAILURE ARTIST: In the night sky, there’s a few meteors. Turns out AA is floating outside.

We cut to GA wielding a chainsaw while riding a moth-like lusus against a colorful background. She lives in the middle of the desert in a home like Jade’s. However, we aren’t introduced to her.

BRIGHT: There are giant colourful sails attached to the towers. I’m not sure how practical that is, but it has definite flair.

FAILURE ARTIST: Instead, we are introduced to AT. His name is TAVROS NITRAM. He turns out to be a wheelchair user. I think this was ascended fanon based on his love of flying. How well Homestuck treats this disabled character we’ll see. His lusus is a little bull with wings. He’s surrounded by playing cards, stuffed animals, and posters of fairies. A lance is leaned against his wall.

CHEL: “Tavros” obviously derives from Taurus, and might also be from Davros, a wheelchair-using Doctor Who villain. Nitram is “Martin” backwards, which according to the wiki might be connected to Mary Martin, an actress who played Peter Pan, or Martin McGuinness, an Irish politician whose planned prosecution was codenamed Operation Taurus. It might also derive from nitrate, which causes “brown blood disease” in fish.

You are known to be heavily arrested by FAIRY TALES AND FANTASY STORIES. You have an acute ability to COMMUNE WITH THE MANY CREATURES OF ALTERNIA, a skill you have utilized to CAPTURE AND TRAIN a great many. They are all your friends, as well as your warriors, which you pit in battle through a variety of related CARD AND ROLE PLAYING GAMES. You used to engage in various forms of MORE EXTREME ROLEPLAYING with some of your other friends before you had an accident. You like to engage in the noble practice of ALTERNIAN SLAM POETRY, possibly the oldest, most revered, and certainly freshest artform in your planet's rich history. You have a profound fascination with the concept of FLIGHT, and all lore surrounding the topic. You believe in FAIRIES, even though they AREN'T REAL.

The name of his lusus may be ascended fanon too, if I’m remembering correctly. Its name, mentioned later, is Tinkerbull, and it’s the cutest thing ever I want a million of them.

Tavros is prompted to Cut to the chase and play card games immediately, and picks a Pokemon ripoff called FIDUSPAWN. He deals himself a favourable hand and lobs an OOGONIBOMB, a jelly-looking blob, at the HOST PLUSH. The Oogonibomb hatches into a terrifying face-hugger-like monster, which latches onto the plush, then scuttles out of the way in time for a larger monster to explode out of said plush.

BRIGHT: Alternian card games sure are something!

HORSARONI, I CHOOSE YOU!!!!!!

CHEL: Horsaroni devours the fidusucker face-hugger in preparation for battle, and Tavros uses his awesome bestial communion abilities [to] bend the ferocious stallion to [his] whim while Tinkerbull looks on nervously. Tavros succeeds in getting the beast under control, and… gets it and Tinkerbull to take a nap together. Everybody wins.

FAILURE ARTIST: He plans on making Horsaroni have sex in the future. Whoa boy.

CHEL: The prompt tells Tavros to roll up the ramp which leads to the top of his rather high recuperacoon, and to hop in, which he does, followed by much reasonable complaining about how it’ll take an hour for him to change his clothes, plus the four-wheel device rolls back down the ramp without him. Also, it’s noted that his horns make it impossible to get fully inside the cocoon, which makes it hard to get any solid shuteye. So, wait, trolls can breathe while fully submerged in the slime? There’s no elaboration as of yet, but it’s possible Hiveswap will discuss that.

FAILURE ARTIST: This slapstick with a disabled character is unfortunate. Terezi never had to deal with this bullshit.

CHEL: Not to this extent, anyway.

CLOCKWORK PROBLEMATYKKS: 33

After much cleanup which we thankfully don’t have to read through, he gets back in his chair and picks up his JOUSTING LANCE.

FAILURE ARTIST: We get a look outside of Tavros’ hive as he thinks about his future plans. He lives in a windmill by a cliff and in his yard he has a practice dummy with...is that a pail???

CHEL: Considering trolls’ opinions of pails, I hope it’s a trashcan, but the bucket thing might be a retcon for the sake of humour.

FAILURE ARTIST: Anyway, he hopes to be a CAVALREAPER when he grows up, if he isn’t culled (aka murdered) for his disability. Rather optimistic of him to think there’s a chance he won’t be culled. I think this is when we first find out about Alternian eugenics. Odd that it didn’t come up when we were introduced to Terezi.

BRIGHT: Terezi’s disability doesn’t really impact her ability to function, though. Her smellovision is accurate enough to let her read and she doesn’t have any trouble moving around. Tavros’s disability is clearly an actual disability that hinders him in a lot of ways. Given Alternian society as we’ve seen it so far, Terezi might be fine. Tavros would need assistive measures and that makes him a write-off.

There’s also the matter of personality. Terezi tends to be confident; Tavros generally isn’t. Add in Terezi’s midblood status to Tavros’s lowblood position, and it makes sense for it to come up now.

FAILURE ARTIST: Tavros admires his fairy posters, including one saying “ Pupa Pan” with a silhouette of a winged troll. This is the troll version of Peter Pan and their one also includes “indians”, just they are “weird aliens”.

CHEL: Can’t say I’m too pleased about that, personally.

CLOCKWORK PROBLEMATYKKS: 33

FAILURE ARTIST: I don’t know if Andrew Hussie read Peter Pan but when I read it it felt very Hussie. Anyway, Tavros keeps his bedroom window open for Pupa Pan and splashes SPECIAL STARDUST on his face. The same substance Gamzee uses? Hmmm.

Andrew Hussie takes a jab at the fanon he decided to ascend:

You have had this interest [in flying] far prior to your accident. Being paralyzed isn't what made you want to be able to fly. That would be dumb and would make no sense. Being paralyzed does sort of make you want to be able to walk, though.

CHEL: Uh… haha? Are we supposed to laugh here, or feel bad, or what?

ARE YOU TRYING TO BE FUNNY?:21

FAILURE ARTIST: We find out in Friendsim that terrestrial flight is verboten, though Hussie probably didn’t think of that until much later.

We cut to the future briefly to see Tavros has robot legs. Because it would be terrible to have a disabled character just remain disabled! /s

CHEL: To be fair, they’re in a world which has the technology to make near-perfect robotic limbs and he wants to be able to walk again. One could argue that having that technology is problematic in terms of it being an easy handwave, but since they have intergalactic spaceships it might seem somewhat weird if they didn’t have robot parts. The existence of prosthetics in a society which kills its disabled as standard is a bit odd, but not impossible if they have whole robots. Though it begs the question where he got the wheelchair.

BRIGHT: Well, it could be that prosthetics aren’t standard, this is just a special situation. He doesn’t get them until after he’s entered the Game, after all.

CHEL: Disturbingly, and perhaps more fittingly for troll society, the legs were fitted after his real ones were removed via chainsaw, apparently sans anaesthetic.

GORE GALORE: 11

BRIGHT: It kind of looks like he got chainsawed through the waist. If that is the case, then a lot of important organs would have been mangled and would need replacing — at least if he was human. We don’t know anything about how troll guts are laid out, but there’s no reason to believe they’re radically different to the human setup.

CHEL: None of the troll gang appear to be medics, either. How is he not dead?

FAILURE ARTIST: The legs were built by an unnamed male character who likes to break as well as make robots.

Occasionally though, he will allow philanthropy to override misanthrobopy.

Misanthrobopy. I didn’t notice that until now.

GA was the one to chainsaw Tavros, with the male character watching in the shadows. That character has the Sagittarius sign and a broken horn. We learn his name later but never how he broke that horn.

BRIGHT: Which is also a point in favour of getting prosthetic limbs being somewhat unusual — Tavros only gets his because an acquaintance with specialised knowledge takes an interest.

FAILURE ARTIST: So, back to the present...of the past. Tavros is being trolled by both Gamzee and someone known as AG. He deals with AG first. With this, we get our first dialogue from Homestuck’s most Homestuck character. AG, or arachnidsGrip, brags about being on the Blue Team and mocks Tavros for being on the team full of 8lind girls and lame 8oys and cranky iiiiiiiim8eciles. Tavros says they’re probably right, but then says he promised someone not to talk to them. This person turns out to be Tavros’ imaginary friend Rufio, the personification of his self-esteem. GA was the one who gave him the advice. While that’s not a bad coping mechanism, he really shouldn’t be telling AG about it. AG complains about GA’s meddling and says GA was just making fun of Tavros with that advice. AG complains about how long it’s taking for the Blue Team to get going. In the end, AG says it will be like old tiiiiiiiimes and gives a winking emoticon.

After that conversation with a frienemy, Tavros raps with his friend-friend Gamzee. Gamzee apologizes for zoning out, but unlike everyone else who talks to him Tavros isn’t angry. Awww…

Tavros shares the good news that they are both on the Red Team, though Tavros says it came from someone he doesn’t want to talk about. Gamzee had already heard and he’s very excited. Tavros does an }:o) emoticon and Gamzee is tickled pink that Tavros “stole his nose”. That might be flirting among trolls. They make plans to “slam” but first Gamzee explains the Game plan. Terezi has connected to Karkat and now Gamzee has to connect to Terezi. However, she’s off in the woods doing something. For now, Gamzee has to get Tavros connected to him. He says something that I’ve seen people point to as a sign he’s bad to the bone.

TC: sO jUsT dOwNlOaD tHiS mOtHeRfUcKeR i'M sEnDiNg YoU sO wE cAn KiCk ThIs BiTcH dOwN tHe StAiRs.

This is probably a callback to Dave getting kicked down the stairs and not a conscious callback on Gamzee’s part. Really, usually when Gamzee says “bitch” it’s just another way of saying “thing”. He’s not kicking anyone down the stairs. Not yet.

Then again, he later says:

TC: JuSt LeT mE sNeAk Up On ThIs BoTtLe Of FaYgO aNd SnAp ItS nEcK lIkE iM a FuCkIn LaUgHsSaSsIn.

So he is a little sinister.

CHEL: Hardly any more so than Terezi the hanging fetishist, though!

BRIGHT: Or the guy who codes viruses that blow up his friends’ computers.

FAILURE ARTIST: After all the foreplay for their rap session, the dialogue ends with:

You both then proceed to have one of the worst rap-offs in the history of paradox space.

Only much later do we see this rap-off. We also find out Gamzee’s feelings towards Tavros. Yet this conversation alone was enough to sail that ship.

We cut to Terezi in a burning woods. This is where we find out what the deal with Terezi’s “family” is. Her lusus is a giant teal egg on an even larger DOOMSDAY SCALE. Inside the egg is a blind dragon. The dragon can communicate telepathically via dreams. It was how Terezi learned to “see” after the accident. This answers some questions while leaving so many unanswered. Like why does Terezi sleep in her street clothes?

CHEL: Balanced on the other side of the scale is a gargantuan skull with troll-like horns and a sort of goat-y shape. We’ll see the kind of creature it comes from later.

FAILURE ARTIST: Terezi dreams of Prospit, and we see it as she “sees” it: gauzy and throbbing.

Her lusus hatches from the heat, but is immediately killed by a meteor. A sympathetic ally puts it in the kernelsprite and that sympathetic ally is clown boy. So put that on his scorecard.

With the egg hatched, the doomsday device displays 6:12. The arc number for this arc.

CHEL: Karkat’s “wriggling day” is 6/12, which actually makes him a Gemini rather than a Cancer. Guess it’s different for trolls.

FAILURE ARTIST: Finally, we are introduced properly to AA. The one with the inconsistent horns.

Your name is ARADIA MEGIDO.

CHEL: “Aradia” is the name of a “messiah” of witchcraft in Charles Godfrey Leland’s “Aradia, or the Gospel of the Witches”, effectively a piece of paganism fanon. “Megido” is derived from Mount Meggido, the place from which the word Armageddon is derived and where the final battle of said event will supposedly occur, and a powerful spell in the video game Shin Megami Tensei. It might also be related to “Meido”, 冥途 めいど, the Japanese equivalent of Purgatory, and “meido”, メイド, meaning maidservant, relevant to her low blood status and later her game class.

You once had a number of INTERESTS, which in time you have LOST INTEREST IN. You seem to recollect once having a fondness for ARCHEOLOGY, though now have trouble recalling this passion. It nonetheless has led you to find your PRESENT CALLING, which came through the discovery of these MYSTIC RUINS on which you presently stand, and which you recently DESECRATED OUT OF BOREDOM. Guiding you to this calling were the VOICES OF THE DEAD, which you have been able to hear since you were young. The voices have become louder as THE GREAT UNDOING approaches. This trend in escalation began after an ACCIDENT involving a CERTAIN KIND OF ROLE PLAYING, which might have been another of your interests once upon a time. It doesn't matter much anymore. The accident resulted in the DEATH OF YOUR LUSUS, which prompted you to leave your home and take up these ruins as residence. On the instruction of your ANCESTORS, you have recovered MYSTERIOUS TECHNOLOGY from the ruins, and convinced a friend to adapt it into a GAME THAT WILL BRING ABOUT THE DESTRUCTION OF YOUR CIVILIZATION. And by convinced, you suppose you mean tricked.

CHEL: She chooses to try to take something from her sylladex, but it works on the OUIJA modus, which means she can only take what the spirits allow her to take.

BRIGHT: This has to be the weirdest, most senseless modus yet.

CHEL: They produce a card with the Crosbytop, which she found on a dig a while ago. GA’s trying to contact her.

She's always bugging you. Bugging and fussing and meddling. What's her deal! You guess it's flattering that she wants to talk to you so much though. You're ok with it. You're ok with a lot of things.

She answers, with an “0h n0000000” on seeing GA, who asks if this is “The Night You Blow Everything Up”.

GA: Is There Nothing I Can Do To Change Your Mind AA: n0 AA: 0r yes AA: yes theres n0thing AA: and n0 y0u cant AA: but y0u sh0uldnt pretend as if y0u believe this has anything t0 d0 with the state 0f my mind AA: 0r the decisi0ns it will make 0r has already made GA: Yeah I Guess Not GA: I Thought Id Be Friendly Though GA: And Remind You That You Do In Fact Have A Hand In All The Terrible Things That Are About To Happen GA: Because Thats What Friends Are For GA: And The Fact That What Ensues Will Be Terrible GA: Is An Immutable Fact I Am Stating For The Record GA: And The Fact That We Will Not Be On The Same Team Is Similarly Immutable GA: It Does Not Mean That Teamwork Is What Isnt Taking Place Here AA: s0rry i didnt f0ll0w that GA: Ill Be Here To Help GA: If You Need Me AA: 0k AA: thanks

Honestly, this is giving me shipping ideas which will only make sense once more about trolls has been explained. Pin in that.

BRIGHT: How does GA know it will be terrible?

CHEL: Stay tuned. We’ll find out.

Aradia checks on Sollux and has the conversation we already have seen, which is linked back to instead of copied, thank goodness. Huss seems to have mastered that part of the timeline. Aradia arrives at his hivestem and levitates the Bicyclops, while meteors begin to fall, and AG trolls her. AG is revealed to be female and seen in silhouette; she has a blue Scorpio symbol, one pointed horn, one forked one, and long hair. Remember this character for later.

AG: Do you have Mr. Two Eyes all 8efuddled and flustered in your we8 of lies? AG: Or Mr. Four Eyes? AG: Hmmmmmmmmm. AG: I don't know. Which nickname do you think would 8e suita8ly derogatory in this case Aradia? AA: h0w ab0ut AA: eight eyes AA: minus seven AG: ::::P

FAILURE ARTIST: God, I love Aradia. Though I guess if you’re reading this for the first time you won’t get her jab here until later.

CHEL: Aradia protests that she didn’t trick him. AG says it doesn’t matter, and declares that once the game starts she and Aradia will be the Blue Team co-leaders, only asking afterwards if this is okay with Aradia, who doesn’t care. She tells Aradia she has a present for her, “Just from me. From me alone and no8ody else”, and wants a special team name for just the two of them, which Aradia doesn’t want to bother with.

AG: I just thought it would 8e really fitting. AG: Kind of like a fresh start, you know? AG: I don't know, what are our shared interests? I guess I never really thought a8out this! I guess I'm used to thinking of you as the enemy. There must 8e some overlap in profiles. AG: Come oooooooon, let's 8rainstorm! AA: 0_0 AG: Man, it'll 8e great. We'll 8e unstoppa8le. Surely you must admit it will 8e nice to re8ound from the Team Charge de8acle! AA: i never think ab0ut that anym0re AG: Oh maaaaaaaan, I'm so dum8! Here I am running my mouth and opening up old wounds, while at the very same time trying to make amends! What an idiot.

I hope AG’s fans are not stupid enough to assume she was sincere on that last line, but it wouldn’t surprise me.

FAILURE ARTIST: I think that AG thinks she’s being sincere.

CHEL: She asks if Aradia’s “loser” male friend will be on the Blue Team, which Aradia says he isn’t, calls him dead weight (messing up her own quirk in the process, which would usually be “dead w8”), ignores Aradia’s declaration that she didn’t exclude him, and heads off to “give him a hard time” despite Aradia’s protest. From this we can presume said friend is Tavros.

We see AG’s face in the next page; she has blue makeup, one blackened lens in her spectacles, a cyborg arm, and a nasty grin.

FAILURE ARTIST: It kills me that we can’t just say who she is now. I’m sure she’s broken through cultural osmosis. However, instead of an introduction, we go to Sollux and Aradia.

Sollux apologizes for flying off the handle. He says even though he quit as leader, he’ll still play and do his best. In his self-degradation, he says something very odd.

TA: liike 2ome low cla22 guy wiith... whatever color blood ii2 lower on the hiierarchy than miine. TA: what2 wor2e than yellow? TA: fuck thii2 confu2iing ca2te 2y2tem.

You’d think he’d know by now, especially given how important the hierarchy is supposed to be.

CHEL: Especially since the person he’s talking to is not only lower on the hierarchy than him, but also one of his closest friends and (minor spoiler) possibly his love interest. This is where the “colourblind” theory for him comes from.

FAILURE ARTIST: Aradia tells Sollux to come to the window because she’s outside. He complains that he can’t see her and she tells him to look closer. He does so while grumbling about psychics. Aradia snaps her fingers and he falls asleep...in the dangerous mind honey.

CHEL: How does she do that? I don’t think she has mind control abilities, does she? All I remember is her throwing boulders around… did she Force-choke him into unconsciousness?

BRIGHT: Maybe she did it the same way Sollux knocked his bees out.

FAILURE ARTIST: Cut to much later. Meteors are falling furiously and all the teammates except Sollux are in the Medium. Sollux wakes up but with mind honey in his mouth. We find out what mind honey does to trolls like Sollux: it causes him to do an OPTIC BLAST , destroying the roof of his apartment and killing yet another lusus. Which just raises the question of why he let the mind honey flow on his floor.

Now, we are introduced to my Zodiac troll.

Your name is NEPETA LEIJON.

CHEL: Nepeta is the Latin genus name for catnip, and Leijon is the archaic spelling of “lejon”, the Swedish word for lion. It should be pronounced “lay-on”, but Hussie said “pronounce everything in the least affected manner possible, from an American perspective”, so I’ve always mentally heard it as “lee-jon” or possibly “lay-shawn”.

You live in a CAVE that is also a HIVE, but still mostly just a CAVE. You like to engage in FRIENDLY ROLE PLAYING, but not the DANGEROUS KIND. Never the DANGEROUS KIND. It's TOO DANGEROUS! Too many of your good friends have gotten hurt that way. Your daily routine is dangerous enough as it is. You prowl the wilderness for GREAT BEASTS, and stalk them and take them down with nothing but your SHARP CLAWS AND TEETH! You take them back to your cave and EAT THEM, and from time to time, WEAR THEIR PELTS FOR FUN. You like to paint WALL COMICS using blood and soot and ash, depicting EXCITING TALES FROM THE HUNT! And other goofy stories about you and your numerous pals. Your best pal of all is A LITTLE BOSSY, and people wonder why you even bother with him. But someone has to keep him pacified. If not you, then who? Everyone has an important job to do.

So the dangerous kind of roleplaying is more dangerous than taking down wild beasts.

CHEL: Which is already pretty damn dangerous!

You never know when you might encounter some unsuspecting prey. Or when some prey might encounter an unsuspecting you! On Alternia, everything is considered unsuspecting prey by everything else.

FAILURE ARTIST: Also just noticed her “hive” has windows even though it’s a cave and the windows don’t actually seem to open to anything? We never get to see any of her cave outside of this so who knows how it works.

CHEL: Maybe she painted them on?

Her lusus is a big cat, with the double mouths already mentioned in her roleplaying. I still don’t know what evolutionary purpose this serves. However, her trolltag is arsenicCatnip, and the double mouths are depicted as two threes; arsenic’s atomic number is 33. It’s little references and in-jokes like this that keep me loving HS despite its worst parts. I can’t get enough of these things.

Said cat is named POUNCE DE LEON, a reference to the explorer Juan Ponce de Leon, seeker of the Fountain of Youth.

You and she go on adventures together in search of the FOUNTAIN OF CUTE. You ride your sure-pawed mount into the rugged frontier. And sometimes she rides you when she gets tired, which is frequently. It sure will be sad when she dies. But who knows when or how that will happen. We might not even really have the time to find out! Later there was a cave-in.

Note the cave paintings on her walls, which are in red, black, and pale grey, and large black animal corpses in the foreground. It’s not clear if the animals themselves are black or they’re just in silhouette, but they contrast with the lusii, which are all white. These beasts also bleed mammalian red, which Nepeta uses for paint, while the lusii bleed the same colour as their respective troll charges. What precisely the lusii are and how they’re different from a regular animal is never really made clear. They could be separate species, or they could be regular animals psychically or biologically bonded to a troll and metamorphosing because of that. Or Hussie might not have thought it out that far.

Karkat’s trolling Nepeta on her DRAWING TABLET COMPUTER. She wishes she could adapt it to a fetch modus because her own one is frustrating, and answers him. She has to handwrite what she says on Trollian, and surrounds it with doodles of cats.

AC: :33 < *ac perks up curiously* AC: :33 < *she wiggles her rear end a bit and then chases something she s33s bounce into one of karkats shoes* CG: KARKAT CAN'T BELIEVE HE HAS TO SINK THIS LOW. CG: KARKAT CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S ASKING AN AUTISTIC GIRL IN A CAVE TO JOIN HIS TEAM. CLOCKWORK PROBLEMATYKKS: 34

Thanks, asshole. I’ve seen fans assume this means Nepeta is literally autistic, and she could be, but either way Karkat is clearly using it as an insult here, not a literal description.

Anyway, Karkat explains to Nepeta what’s going on. He, Terezi, Gamzee, and Tavros are already playing; Tavros needs a server player. GA is lined up for the Red Team, but doesn’t want to connect yet for mysterious reasons, so Nepeta’s the best candidate. Nepeta agrees, but wants to talk to someone else first.

CG: HOW CAN YOU BE BEST FRIENDS WITH THE ONLY GUY ON THE PLANET WHO'S A BIGGER ASSHOLE THAN ME. AC: :33 < hes not so bad! CG: HE'S SCUM. CG: BUT DO WHATEVER YOU'VE GOT TO DO I GUESS. CG: TAVROS IS WAITING.

This seems quite a distance from Nepeta declaring that the guy she needs to talk to “scares her” earlier on. May be a retcon.

Said friend proves to be the blue Sagittarius boy, still in shadow. I think here it’s time to add on a point we brought up but did not count when observing the Pesterchum Trollslum: his handle is centaursTesticle. I remind everyone the trolls are supposed to be thirteen. What a charming child. I guess maybe it’s excusable because he’s not a mammal himself, but still.

CALL CPA PLEASE: 9

He says hi, but becomes frustrated when Nepeta roleplays at him. He types in dark b100, is e%cessively formal, and precedes each line with a D→ emoticon, the significance of which will be explained in a moment.

CT: D --> This is f001ishness upon one hundred thousand prior, equally unsolicited f001ishnesses

FAILURE ARTIST: It’s weird that his first word is “hi”, considering how formal he usually is.

CHEL: Could be because he knows Nepeta well? A concession to her mannerisms?

He expects Nepeta to follow his orders; she stops roleplaying, but complains about him being “so lame!” and never roleplaying with her, even though he will go out of his way to find words with “x” or “loo” in them so he can use his quirk. He tells her off for using foul language at things as mild as “what the hell?” and she apologises.

CT: D --> Your fraternization with the base classes have 100sened your morals, can't you see this AC: :33 < no! i dont care, they are fun AC: :33 < and i dont know anything about classes or bases or blood color, it doesn't matter! AC: :33 < what does gr33n blood even mean! it doesnt mean anything to me and it shouldnt mean anything to anyone else! CT: D --> Well, green b100d is ok, but it's not great CT: D --> But that's why you're lucky to have me to 100k out for you CT: D --> Because you don't know better, and you can't fight the role the mother had in store for you

This relationship looks rather worrying from a human perspective, I must say. Still, Nepeta seems to be holding her own in the argument, and he’s not physically present so there’s little he can do to actually harm her if things go south.

FAILURE ARTIST: Yeah, early on this relationship looks bad, but this relationship is one of the more popular ones in Homestuck.

CHEL: Did he plan their relationship, or ascend the fanon? Do we know?

FAILURE ARTIST: I would say there wasn’t enough time for Equius/Nepeta to be fanon, giving the quick update rate for this arc, but fandom does work fast.

Nepeta doesn’t seem to be just against the hemospectrum but rather ignorant of it, which is odd considering how important it’s supposed to be. Then again, she does live in a cave.

BRIGHT: Considering how important the hemospectrum is supposed to be, a surprising number of characters don’t understand it or care about it. That’s two out of nine so far. And while the hemospectrum does add a layer of complication, it’s not that complicated. There are only (spoiler) eleven colours in official use, and most readers pick them up pretty quickly. Characters living in a society which violently enforces it should have a working grasp of it, even if they think it’s stupid as all get-out.

WHITE SBURB POSTMODERNISM: 26

CHEL: Nepeta points out he always puts his bow and arrow symbol at the start of lines, which she considers a sign of playfulness and he considers “highly dignified symbols”. Nepeta asks if he’s ever successfully fired a bow, and he refuses to talk about it.

CT: D --> The topic is making me CT: D --> Sweat

He does this a lot. Here it seems to be a sign of feeling awkward and embarrassed, but later on it will be the source of CALL CPA PLEASE points.

They argue; Nepeta calls him a “weirdo and a cr33p!” and says it’s good she’s there to watch out for him in turn because no one else likes him, and he tells her off for eating animals. So trolls aren’t fully carnivorous? Their teeth suggest they should at least lean more strongly that way than humans do, but I guess eating vegetation wouldn’t be impossible for them.

CT: D --> You're wrong about me, Nepeta CT: D --> I do like to play games CT: D --> But they must be e%tremely important games with very high stakes CT: D --> Not the kind played by trans100cent green wigglers who let 100se an e%cremental surge hard in their wiggler-bottom diaperstubs

Nice callback, though I’m kind of surprised he said “bottom” since he draws the line at “hell”. Also, why the hell would trolls have diapers? They’re raised by literal animals, most of which don’t have hands to change them with!

WHITE SBURB POSTMODERNISM: 27

FAILURE ARTIST: What we see later of troll infants, they don’t have bottoms to diaper.

CHEL: Equius informs Nepeta he’s leading the Blue Team; she’s already on the Red Team, but he forbids her to join it and says she must join him.

AC: :33 < *ac rolls her eyes almost as hard as she is rolling around in this really interesting smell* CT: D --> The thought of you fraternizing with and abetting those stink-b100ded h001igans strikes me as scandal beyond measure CT: D --> I'm afraid you're too delicate to withstand that sort of corruption

Didn’t he also forbid her from associating with the people on the Blue Team on the grounds of them being too dangerous to hang out with? There’s no pleasing this guy.

Nepeta tells Tavros she can’t join him. She’s angry at her friend, though she’s still obeying him, but Tavros thinks it’s for the best.

AC: :33 < *ac curls up in tavroses lap* AT: oKAY, *i, AT: fOR THE TIME BEING, aND, AT: fOR THE SAKE OF THIS FANTASY SCENARIO, i PRETEND, AT: tHAT MY CAT ALLERGIES AREN'T THAT BAD,* [...] AT: wELL, AT: iF YOU DIDN'T LISTEN TO HIM BEFORE, AT: yOU MIGHT HAVE PLAYED GAMES WITH US BEFORE, AT: aND SOMETHING BAD MIGHT HAVE HAPPENED TO YOU,

All very well, but notice what’s wrong with this picture?

I am… not particularly happy about more wheelchair slapstick going as far as to cause what I guess could be called either pet death or parent death. Most people in wheelchairs are able to not do that. Wouldn’t he at least notice it going over the bump? The “lol the weak wimpy kid has allergies” thing isn’t marvellous either; Tavros’ supposed wimpiness isn’t a huge deal yet, but it will be.

CLOCKWORK PROBLEMATYKKS: 35

BRIGHT: Uh...okay, wow. I somehow didn’t notice Tinkerbull dying like that the first time I read this, and WTF, Hussie?

Tavros reminisces about his role-playing days. We get a flashback to him standing in his room pre-paralysis, dressed in a green Peter Pan outfit and wielding a very short lance he calls a ‘daggerlance’. He is preparing to play FLARP, an EXTREME ROLE PLAYING game which can have serious real-world consequences if played without caution. Tavros is part of Team Charge, and they will be playing against Team Scourge.

The other member of Team Charge is Aradia. Tavros starts a chat with her, and Aradia sounds a lot more animated in this one. She actually seems pretty cheerful and enthusiastic! They talk a bit about Tavros’s choice of class, the Boy-Skylark; apparently it’s not very strong early on, but picks up some powerful abilities once you reach a high level. Put a pin in that, it’s not directly relevant but it does echo some Class traits later on.

Tavros’s FLARP grub lays some eggs ...

CHEL: Troll technology is disgusting.

BRIGHT: … which hatch into neon pixellated bats called GAMING FLAPSTRACTIONS. These contain the data used to provide the roleplaying scenario, and will also follow live instructions provided by the ‘clouder’. One member of Team Scourge will act as Tavros’s clouder, creating a challenging scenario for him to adventure through. Aradia will be the clouder for Terezi, the other member of Team Scourge. The flapstractions are tied to the player’s vital attributes, which is what makes this sort of role playing so dangerous. It’s interesting that apart from SGRUB, trolls have video games which physically affect the real world, or at least some of the players.

CHEL: Which brings up a comment we made on an earlier Act; does everyone in John’s version of Earth have sylladexes, and do all their videogames affect reality? We never see.

BRIGHT: A little way into the game, and Tavros has been backed up to the edge of a cliff by a couple of FLARP monsters. His clouder contacts him to ask why he’s not moving; turns out it’s AG. Tavros tells her that the monsters are too strong for the level he’s at. AG responds by mocking him, calling him weak, and urging him to either advance or abscond. Tavros asks her to hold on, and tries to contact Aradia for help, then Terezi.

We get another glimpse of AG! She has a blue sign, has one hooked horn and one with a crescent tip, messy hair, and here is wearing an eyepatch with seven red dots over one eye. She appears to be standing in the field with Tavros, which clearly isn’t possible.

CHEL: Holograms, presumably.

BRIGHT: Tavros can’t get through to either Aradia or Terezi. AG starts messaging him again, telling him to roll the dice. Tavros, entirely sensibly, declines to do so, as he’s run the numbers and the monsters are too strong to beat no matter how well he rolls. AG says that if he won’t move, she’ll make him move.

AT: i THOUGHT, AT: yOU COULDN'T USE POWERS, AT: i MEAN, rEAL LIFE POWERS, nOT GAME ONES, AT: iT'S AGAINST THE RULES, AG: 8ut if you are going to 8reak the rules and refuse to roll, what choice do I have!

Using her psychic powers, she then takes control of his body.

And walks him off the cliff.

AG: Fly, Pupa!!!!!!!! AG: Flyyyyyyyy!

CHEL: This is our introduction to the most controversial character in the whole fandom, and quite possibly one of the most controversial in any fandom. So much as mentioning this girl can start huge flamewars, and there was an entire section of the official Homestuck forum set off for talking about her so it didn’t taint the experience on the other boards. We’ll see more of this behaviour from her later, and discuss the fandom’s opinion of it as we go.

AG types out a long string of mocking laughter, with eight exclamation marks. I believe five is the point Pratchett deemed to be a sign of insanity, what does eight signify? Anyway, Tavros takes out his phone and texts the first person he thinks of; Karkat.

adiosToreador [AT] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] AT: aG JUST JUMPED ME OFF A CLIFF, AT: wITH MY BRAIN, AT: aND, uHH AT: mY LEGS, aLSO, AT: aND NOW, tHEY FEEL, AT: iNVISIBLE, AT: wOW, i'M SURE THERE WAS A BETTER WAY TO SAY THAT, AT: aNYWAY, AT: tHAT'S REALLY ALL THERE IS, AT: tO REPORT ON THE SUBJECT, AT: oF ME GETTING HURT, CG: HEY ASSHOLE, STOP PLAYING GAMES FOR GIRLS. carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling adiosToreador [AT]

It’s times like these I wonder if we should have stolen the RP1 spork’s “Why Are We Meant To Like You, Again?” count. Let’s tally up the ones we have…

First off, Karkat, you’re a sexist dick and a bully, and the narrative never calls you out on it, nor do the other characters.

CLOCKWORK PROBLEMATYKKS: 36

Second, two SLAMMER points, one for the sexism, and one for hanging up on a clearly injured person, when Karkat is supposed to be portrayed as “prickly but caring”, which is not consistent with this even if he doesn’t much like Tavros or know him well at this point.

SEND THEM TO THE SLAMMER: 3

And third, what the hell is the point of the “GAMES FOR GIRLS” comment? Karkat’s phrasing implies that this is a contemptible, weak thing to do. Considering the incredibly dangerous nature of the game, that makes no sense at all. Fandom likes to charitably interpret it as meaning that female trolls are expected to be more violent than the male ones and Karkat’s telling Tavros not to get himself hurt, but that doesn’t work either because in every other situation Tavros is socially punished for not being violent, forthright, and traditionally masculine, and as I said, Karkat’s phrasing and immediate hanging-up on Tavros implies contempt, not concern. If it was meant the way a human boy would put it, what the hell are games for troll boys like?!

WHITE SBURB POSTMODERNISM: 28

One way I’ve played it in fanfic is that female trolls are expected to be the strategisers, while male ones just barge on through, but that’s just my personal idea, not canon.

BRIGHT: Really the only way this could be read as not completely awful is if Karkat thought Tavros was role-playing the injury. But there’s no reason for him to think that; Karkat’s made his lack of interest in it abundantly clear, and we never see Tavros initiate a role-playing chatlog with anyone, even one of the other FLARPers. In fact, all the FLARPers seem to confine their role-playing to the game itself; the only person who role-plays in chatlogs is Nepeta. (And after this, it’s easy to see why CT didn’t want her FLARPing.) So Karkat’s being a real dick here.

FAILURE ARTIST: There’s not really any charitable explanation for this. The fandom is just content to prove Karkat wasn’t sexist on human terms.

BRIGHT: Also, this is an impressively coherent summary of events from Tavros. If I’d just walked off a cliff and broken my back, I’m not sure I’d be up to texting anybody, let alone explaining things that clearly. Tavros gets short shrift for being weak, but he’s really pretty tough.

We jump back to Karkat in the Medium, having just finished the conversation with Terezi we saw earlier. AG starts messaging him, and Karkat is really not impressed.

AG: Hey 8rave leader. CG: OH MY GOD, WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO ME. AG: Can I join your team? CG: YES I'M GLAD YOU ASKED, BECAUSE THERE IS A WIDE OPEN SLOT FOR THE MOST VILE BACKSTABBING SOCIOPATH WHO EVER LIVED. CG: YOU REALLY HELPED ME OUT OF A JAM BY STEPPING FORWARD. AG: Vile 8acksta88ing sociopath? Karkat, did you copy and p8ste that phrase directly from your personal ad descri8ing what you are looking for in a lady? CG: HA HA HA! CG: MORE CAGEY CUTESY BULLSHIT. CG: LIKE I'M NOT UP TO MY LOBE STEM WITH THAT ALREADY HAVING TO DEAL WITH TEREZI. CG: YOU BOTH MUST HAVE BEEN INSUFFERABLE WHEN YOU WERE A TEAM. CG: YOUR OPPONENTS PROBABLY ALL JUST TRIED TO COMMIT SUICIDE AFTER A FEW MINUTES OF PUTTING UP WITH YOUR FANGY GRINNED DRIVEL. CG: THAT'S PROBABLY HOW IT ALL WENT DOWN WHEN THE SHIT HIT THE THRESHER.

AG continues to mess around and Karkat continues to be adamant about not wanting to be friends with her. He warns her not to use her mind control abilities on his teammates, and finishes up with something that actually seems to hit home.

CG: I'VE GOT THE BETTER SCOURGE SISTER ON MY TEAM AND IF YOU BREAK YOUR TRUCE YOU'LL HAVE TO ANSWER TO HER. CG: THE FUNNY THING IS SHE WAS ALWAYS WAY BETTER THAN YOU EVEN WITHOUT ANY POWERS. CG: YEAH THAT'S RIGHT, I KNOW YOUR WHOLE STORY. CG: YOU WERE ALWAYS JEALOUS SHE COULD MANIPULATE PEOPLE SO WELL WITHOUT RESORTING TO CHEAP MIND TRICKS. CG: HAHA, I CAN TELL THIS BURNS YOU AND I CAN'T EVEN PAW THROUGH YOUR DUMPSTER! CG: CHALK IT UP AS ANOTHER INFURIATING VICTORY FOR GUTTER BLOOD OVER ARISTOCRACY.

It’s interesting that although Karkat is extremely cagey about his blood colour, he identifies himself here as a lowblood. Granted, that’s the most logical conclusion to make -- a highblood would have no reason to conceal their blood caste -- but blood colour wasn’t even being discussed until he brought it up.

Karkat ends the chatlog, and then immediately starts messaging AG again.

AG: Oh, 8ack so soon! Did your thum8 slip on the 8utton???????? AG: I guess you can't get enough of me. AG: ::::) CG: YOU MADE ME DO THAT. CG: AND YOU KNOW IT. AG: You 8n't got nothing on me and you can't prove shit!!!!!!!! AG: Anyway, Karkat, I just wanted to say. AG: <3

...okay, I assume she’s using that in a mocking way, because we never get any other indication that she’s romantically interested in Karkat, but man, that threw me for a moment.

FAILURE ARTIST: AG says she can read Karkat’s mind and it’s implied she made Karkat slip up, but you’d think even with Karkat’s mind being a dumpster she’d still find it impossible to resist finding out his blood color.

CHEL: Impossible to not find it, in fact! It must be pretty prominent in his thoughts if it’s important enough to hide.

BRIGHT: The narration then hops to the blue Sagittarius boy, and...uh.

Wow, those sure are a lot of weirdly sexual posters and dismantled robots.

Let’s not beat about the bush here: Teens are (generally) interested in sex and very good at getting hold of depictions of it. On the other hand...thirteen is kind of on the young end for that. Also, most people don’t display their pornography proudly on their walls, although as I type this I remember that cheesecake pin-ups used to be a thing. Heck, maybe they still are. Either way, this is kind of disturbing.

CALL CPA PLEASE: 10

CHEL: Then again, I was never very close to any teenage boys when I was that age; for all I know, maybe they would stick their porn on their walls if they didn’t have parents to stop them.

I’d like to point out the unfortunate implications in having the narrator sound as disturbed as they do in conjunction with all his posters being of male characters. There are plenty of other reasons to be disturbed, plus his interactions with girls are even more disturbing, but as we proceed we’ll see hints that that possibly was meant to be part of the disturbance. Hussie has a real discomfort with m/m attraction, and it shows more than he meant it to.

CLOCKWORK PROBLEMATYKKS: 37

Since the trolls aren’t mammals and their anatomy isn’t necessarily anything a mammal would recognise, fandom’s occasionally had some fun with interpreting this as him not realising the posters are so explicit and just having them because he thinks they look cool, but that’s obviously not the intended meaning.

BRIGHT: I think the reader is also meant to be bothered by the posters being furry art. Honestly that part doesn’t bother me, but furries were the butt of a lot of jokes back in 2009 -- and possibly still are, although I haven’t seen any for years.

FAILURE ARTIST: Personally, when I saw this panel, I was peeved that he wasn’t introduced yet. I liked the cut of his jib for displaying such “art”. Of course, there’s also the shiner his lusus sports which may play a part in the narrator’s discomfort.

BRIGHT: The narration is as disturbed as I am, although possibly for different reasons, and promptly switches to a brief glimpse of the last troll we have to meet, who has dark pink goggles, a Pisces sign, and is prodding a cuttlefish with a trident. Before we can learn anything more about her, off we go again!

This time we return to Aradia, who is flying across the countryside atop the severed head of the frog statue. Her hive, when she reaches it, is in ruins and overgrown by vegetation.

You haven't been here since the night of the accident. On that night you found your CALLING. The voices of the dead grew louder, urging you to return to the ruins you discovered not long before. You left so abruptly, you didn't even have time to bury your lusus. But that's fine, because trolls don't typically bury their dead. Leaving bodies to be consumed by wild animals is more customary.

We’ve already seen that role-playing accidents on Alternia can be pretty damn extreme, and given that Aradia has telekinesis it’s not a stretch that property damage could get involved, but this is still very effective build-up to the reveal of What’s Up With Aradia. On my first read-through I was really curious about what had happened, and I still think it holds up well.

Aradia starts up the game and allows her co-leader to enter first, since she always intended to enter second. She then has Nepeta connect to her as her server player, and starts setting up the equipment. Since she doesn’t have a dead lusus to prototype the kernelsprite with, she uses the head of the frog statue instead. The dead have assured her that this is critical for later success.

Compelling your nonplussed server player to perform this task might have proven difficult. Luckily your telekinesis, an ability greatly magnified through your CALLING, would be sufficient to move the massive object, whereas the game cursor likely would not. Your server player simply watched in mystification.

Sprite sorted out, Aradia enters the Medium. Her classpect is MAID OF TIME, and her planet is the LAND OF QUARTZ AND MELODY, which is very pretty. It was important for her to enter second because her client player, presumably AG, has a present for her which can’t be replicated with grist, so they’re going to have to travel through the Gate above their house to get it to her.

Nepeta, meanwhile, is watching in befuddlement, because she can’t see Aradia on the screen...up until Aradia merges with the Frogsprite.

She couldn't see you up until the moment after the sprite's second prototyping. Because you were dead all along.

HOLY SHIT.

The first time I read Homestuck, this reveal blew me away. (Granted, I was a bit confused by all the hopping around between characters and time points. It makes much more sense on the second read.) It probably wasn’t intended as much of a surprise, given the next page…

We are all completely blown away by this stunning revelation.

Fair enough.

[sunsetcurve]

oh, we’re not promised tomorrow

Summary: They’d been twelve and sitting on the castle's rooftop at twilight, and he'd told her the story like he'd recited it by heart. His father had unknowingly killed a witch's familiar on a hunting trip. In retaliation, she'd placed a curse on him—his firstborn child would die before his twenty-first birthday. Henry’s parents had searched tirelessly for a cure, but the closest they could find was this: a crystal from Guardian Lake, which would protect him from harm until its magic ran out. 

This, it turns out, happens sooner than they thought it would.

Fandom: Henry Danger

Relationships: Henry Hart/Charlotte Page-Bolton

Word Count: 2,477

A/N: oh man, i’ve been sitting on this idea for way too long. this was incredibly fun to write, but also very very difficult because it does get pretty angsty. rated T for death, swearing, blood (it’s not graphic i promise). the title is from the song “like i’m gonna lose you”. hope you enjoy!

Dedications: as always, please please please don’t feel any pressure to read this! i know life gets crazy. also, if you want to be tagged/untagged in the future, just let me know! @rorythevambire @up-the-tube @mychenrymadness @ciara-knightly @cactus-con @henryhearts @henry-p-fart @taylorswiftrulestheworld @bijerbear @just-a-j-reallly @shadows-and-starlight

* * *

She should've seen this coming.

To be honest, Charlotte's never really been good at making predictions; that was always her mother's forte. She's tried to make sense of the wisping smoke in crystal balls and the tea leaves at the bottom of her cup more times than she can count, but it's only ever left her confused and frustrated.

Other types of magic actually make sense. There's a comforting sort of precision in having to memorize the pronunciation of a spell perfectly in order to get it to work, or having to carefully measure every ingredient in a potion to keep it from ending in total disaster (that's happened to Charlotte more than a few times, but she's always said that failure is the best learning tool anyway). But fortune-telling? Cards, astrology, dream-speak? She's never really understood it.

Still, though. There were other signs that pointed in this direction, ones that were far less mystical, far more real. She just didn't see them.

It's a collection of small things, really, clustered together in the past couple of weeks. They're moments that are easy to brush off at the time, especially with Henry's insistence that it's nothing, he's okay, he's always fine.

He comes back from knight training once with blood trailing from his nose, even though no one's laid a hand on him. He stumbles in the hallway and sways like he's going to pass out, and then brushes her off by saying he's just tired. He has dizzy spells, and she tells herself to believe him when he says that there's just "something going around", even though she hasn't seen it herself, even though none of the health potions she slips into his morning goblets seem to be working. He's fine, she convinces herself. They're isolated incidents. It's nothing.

And it's easy to pretend that's the truth, up until the moment his legs give out from underneath him.

"Henry!" Charlotte cries out, and her knees hit the stone floor just moments after his do. She puts her hand on his shoulder, steadying him, while the other comes up to cup his cheek and he's cold, cold like the crisp autumn air outside and the hard grey stone beneath them.

"I'm fine," he sort of says, sort of wheezes—his breath comes stumbling out in a tight, choked gasp, and then he's coughing and there's a splatter of scarlet in front of them.

Something in her chest clenches. "Bullshit," she hisses, and he coughs more in response and the pieces start to come into place and align like the planets and she hates it, wishes she could chalk this all up to something, anything else, but there's something thrumming in the back of her mind that knows she can't ignore it anymore.

"Show me your necklace." Her voice is soft but tight, more so than she intends it to be, and maybe that's why he doesn't argue, just fumbles with the leather cord around his neck and brings the pendant out from where it's tucked under his shirt.

She remembers the first day he'd shown it to her. They’d been twelve and sitting on the castle's rooftop at twilight, and he'd told her the story like he'd recited it by heart. His father had unknowingly killed a witch's familiar on a hunting trip. In retaliation, she'd placed a curse on him—his firstborn child would die before his twenty-first birthday. Henry’s parents had searched tirelessly for a cure, but the closest they could find was this: a crystal from Guardian Lake, which would protect him from harm until its magic ran out.

The white stone comes to rest next to his heart. A sharp inhale passes through Charlotte's lips, and she reaches out to brush her fingers against it while her heart plummets. The gem's soft glow has faded into nothing, and now it sits dull on the end of the necklace.

"The protection charm was supposed to last until you were eighteen," she says, quiet. "We were supposed to have more time."

Henry's laugh is mirthless, somewhere in between bitter and exhausted. "Yeah, I guess we're fresh out. Unless you've got a time spell hidden somewhere?"

There are three things that sorcerers are never supposed to tamper with: love, death, and time. She knows he's not asking, but right now, Charlotte thinks she'd break every rule if it meant saving him.

"Can you walk?" she says, urgent, and he lets her pull him to his feet and sort of staggers, but doesn't fall. She takes his hand and tugs him behind her, trying not to move too fast for him while her entire body tells her to go.

It's slow, too slow, but they make it down the hallway and reach her study and she helps Henry sit down in her chair as she starts tugging books off the shelves and rifling through the pages. With a wave of her hand, they float in the air around her, circling her as she scrambles through them one by one. She's been trying to decipher the solution to this stupid curse ever since the day he told her about it, so there's sections in her books that are marked off, places with notes scrawled in the margins. There's the haphazard beginnings of something that could've panned out, if only she'd had more time. She was supposed to have more time.

The tension is hot and stinging beneath her skin. She tosses novels behind her to fall to the floor, pages splayed open and bent against the ground and maybe in any other moment she'd care about the state of them but right now it doesn't matter. All she cares about is the fact that Henry's breathing is becoming more labored by the second, and she should've seen this coming and now there's no time to fix this—

"Char," he says softly behind her, and her hands quiver hard enough that all the floating books drop in a ring at her feet. "It's okay.”

She bites the inside of her cheek and whirls around before she can stop herself. "Don't say that!" she snaps. "There's nothing about this that's okay! You're not—I'm not going to let you die like this, Henry Hart, I'm not—"

"Look, it's over. There's nothing left." He sounds defeated. His gaze darts from the shelves to the ceiling, anywhere but to hers, and she wishes that he'd yell, or cry or scream or something, but instead he's just sitting there with his brown eyes huge and soft and resigned.

Her shoulders are tight, her jaw clenched so hard it hurts. "How can you be so calm about this?" she demands.

"Because I have to be!" he says sharply, and stands up unsteadily with his hands tugging through his hair, fingers mussing it up even further and tightening around the dusty gold locks. "Because I'm fucking terrified but I can't—I have to—I've had this curse on me since I was born, Char, and I've always known this was coming and I told myself that I wasn't gonna fall apart when it did, I can't do that—"

"There's still time," she presses, the desperation plain in her voice. "I can find something, we can still find a way—"

He looks at her with the tear tracks on his face glittering in the low light of the candles, and he reaches out a hand to take hers. "There's no way out of this," he says, and her chest tightens. "You know that."

"No." She tugs her hand away from his with her lungs and her eyes and her whole body burning, and she thinks maybe this is what it feels like when the world ends and all the stars fall from the sky.

She's crying, then, sobs that cascade out of her and shake her chest and Henry's arms are around her and they're both sinking slowly to the floor. His fingers are gentle as they tangle in her hair, and even like this, the irony of it isn't lost on her—he's the one dying, and yet he's holding her in his arms as she breaks. It's part of who Henry is, though; a guardian, a protector, with or without a suit of armor.

Fuck, she needs him here, she can't do this—

Henry takes a stuttering breath, and when Charlotte looks up his eyes are screwed shut, a crimson trickle coming from the corner of his mouth. "Char," he starts, all the steadiness from his tone slowly fading now, "I need you to...Piper, Jasper...my parents, Ray, and-and Schwoz..." he hesitates, and his eyelids flutter open and she wonders fleetingly when the colors became so dim. "Can you just tell them? Please?”

The words stick in her throat. His eyes are urgent, searching, but she can't, she can't accept that he's going to—no. "There's still time," she breathes again, and tries and tries and fails to hide the break in her voice as she helps him lay down and cards her fingers through his hair. "You can tell them yourself."

Charlotte reaches for the spellbook closest to her, rifles through it like somehow, it'll hold the key. There's a piece of her that knows it's useless, but she's doing her very fucking best to shove that piece down as far as possible. She doesn't need that right now. She doesn't need Henry looking at her like it's hopeless, like he's dead already, she doesn't need to cry anymore, what she needs is a cure. "There has to be a way," she says, mutters like she's trying to convince herself more than anyone else. "There has to."

Henry's fingers brush against hers gently, lace themselves through the gaps. "It's okay," he breathes. "Char, it's gonna be okay."

"No, I can't lose you. Henry, you're my best friend, you're—you're everything, please, you can't—" He can't. She needs him. She can't do this without him; she needs his smile and his stupid jokes and his laugh that sounds like a clear summer day, she needs the way his eyes blaze when he's passionate about something and the kindness of his heart and she needs him here, with her, she can't—

The realization hits her at the same moment that his last breath leaves his body, and she thinks that this is the cruelest joke that fate could've played.

"I love you, Henry."

The words tumble from her lips to spill over the stone floor, and then she's breaking and breaking and the world around her is falling to pieces because he's gone and she loves him, she's always loved him she—

She loves him.

Holy shit, Charlotte loves Henry. And there's one thing that can break any curse, reverse any spell. There's one thing that breaks the laws of magic entirely and can even bring people back from the dead, one thing that can save him.

True love's kiss.

Her mind whirs. True love is rare, but more powerful than anything else. If this is it, then it could work. But only if Henry loves her back. Only if whatever they have between them is real.

Please, she thinks, squeezing her eyes shut, wiping the tears away from her face. This is her last chance, her only chance, at bringing him back. If it doesn't work—

No. No time to dwell on that now; she shuts that possibility away in a mental box and tosses away the key. Charlotte has to believe this will work, or else the world will end all over again. She's going to get him back.

She takes a deep breath and leans over Henry, her fingers brushing against his cold, cold cheek, running through his soft, familiar hair. In that moment, she knows her feelings are true. She loves him. It’s just a question of whether he feels the same way.

"Come back to me, Hen," she breathes softly, and then slowly, gently, desperately, presses her lips to his.

There's a pause that makes her feel as though the universe is holding its breath. But there’s no gust of wind, no chorus of angels, no flash of light—for a moment, there’s just nothing.

Her lungs twist together, her throat closing up as it gets harder and harder to breathe. Please—

And then, "Char?"

Her breath catches as his eyelids flutter open. His brown eyes meet hers, full of color once again, and she feels a laugh bubble up in her throat and throws her arms around him as he pushes himself up.

"You're alive," she says into his shoulder, her hand tucking itself in between them so she can find his heartbeat and feel it thrumming softly in his chest. She follows its steady rhythm, reminding herself that he’s alive, that that’s his heart beating underneath her fingertips, that he’s okay.

"You did it," he laughs a little, that same sound like a clear summer day, and she grips him tighter and wonders if she'll ever get tired of hearing it. "How did you do it?"

There's a beat of hesitation, and then Charlotte pulls back a little, one arm still hooked over his shoulder and the other hand coming up to cup his cheek. It's warm, now, no trace of the chill left behind except the memory. She pauses, and then looks him in the eyes with an earnest gaze. "True love's kiss," she says.

He falters for a moment. His eyes search her expression, like he’s waiting for her to say she’s joking. “True love’s—you—you love me?"

"Idiot," she replies, with a fondness in her chest that she knows she'll never get rid of. "Yes, I love you, Henry Hart."

She'll remember the look on his face for years to come: he smiles like the fucking sun, bright and warm and beautiful, his eyes huge and flickering with light. "I love you too, Charlotte Page-Bolton," he breathes, and there's a moment that seems to Charlotte like the world is on hold, like the third rule of sorcery has been broken and time has stopped, and they just take it in.

"And," Henry says then, and his smile turns sly at the edges. "If you'll let me, I'd like to kiss you while I'm conscious this time."

Charlotte lifts an eyebrow. "On one condition," she replies swiftly, and his expression turns curious.

"Oh yeah? What's that?"

She hooks a finger in his collar. "Don't ever. Die on me again."

"Deal," he says, and then shoves his lips against hers, and Charlotte runs her fingers through his hair and thinks fleetingly that they should stay like this forever. This time, it feels like she's the one coming to life all over again; it's bold and bright and wonderful, and honestly?

She can see why true love's kiss is so fucking magical.

[natsunoomoi]

Diving Further In

So just going deeper into this SVSSS rabbit hole. Still in earlier chapters because I work, but just poking around online again because again I really just like looking at Shen Qingqiu’s face and also Liu Qingge’s look isn’t so bad either.

But like I came across some stuff that’s spoilers for me and it said that they are a popular ship together? But like also a lot of people question if Qingge is straight which the author said and I found curious that a lot of people seem to dispute that? So then I looked more and it seems people are citing an extra story where the two of them go to fight some succubi in a cave. I read the story, and I don’t really see it myself? Like I can see how some people could read that it implies that he is actually interested in Shen Qingqiu and maybe a little jealous, but also I can also see how it doesn’t necessarily and also aligns with the author saying that he is straight. This isn’t to say that I want to kill anyone’s ship or anything, but just want to point out how what MXTX is saying isn’t exactly crazy either.

I’m not really sure, but I think it might be because I’m asexual myself so even my own experience going through life there’s a lot of things that maybe other people who aren’t ace interpret as more romantic that I don’t think so at all and it’s gotten me in trouble sometimes where I feel like I’m just having pleasant conversation with people but people think I’m flirting? I’m just being nice and talking? I don’t understand?

But just the same like even for me if someone says something that could possibly suggest that I’m involved in something or that I like someone even if I don’t, I still get flustered and blush because people are talking about my private life even if I don’t actually like the person. And then they become convinced that that’s the person I like because I’m blushing as we are having a conversation about if I like someone.

Like truthfully, in the 4th grade I had an interaction with a classmate that I had that I thought I had an amicable friendship with. During the first week or so of school a bee came into the classroom and landed on my desk and my classmate killed it for me and I was scared and eternally grateful, so at a later date later I gave him like a small gift or something as a thank you. My classmates thought it meant I liked him or something and I was VERY CONFUSED. I was literally just grateful for the help with the bee and he’s always been kind and helpful to me in class so I didn’t really think anything of it, and just simply you do nice things for people who are nice to you right? It’s a very simple and pure thought, but I learned from that experience and misunderstanding that normally people don’t do that for people who are just your friends. I think they also thought I did because apparently I was staring at him a lot when we were on a field trip, but like during the field trip he was also goofing around and jumping on the bus and stuff. How do you not look at someone making a ruckus?

So basically, in reading the succubus story, I kind of thought about something like that for Qingge. Like if I were him, I would be a little surprised also that the description sounded a bit like me and like I’m sure just as Shen Qingqiu is going through all the women he knows, Qingge is also running through all the people who knows that Qingqiu hangs out with and realizes that he is with him an awful lot. I’m somewhat serious as well, and even though I’m focused on getting the job done, it’s not like I’m not trying to look out for my friends and their interests so I’d want to still listen too to learn more about them as a friend and even to find out how I can be a better friend to them or like encourage them in the future. Plus like nothing else was happening in the cave, so you just get bored and listen to what's happening. Same as me on the field trip. Space out staring out the window or turn in the direction of the commotion on the bus.

I also think that part of Qingge’s alarm is that the succubus mentions that the person is his junior, and I think most people would normally exclude anyone who was a student or disciple of theirs. He probably didn’t even consider someone who was from a younger generation as he was running through the list of people in his mind, and the description does sound like him and to me it reads like because he is straight and doesn’t think of his friend in that way exactly, he’s having a kind of panic attack and questioning himself internally trying to discern if it is him and his own feelings. But at the same time, he doesn’t want to say any more or explain himself because its not like he wants to be mean to his friend either. 

Like I’ve had times like that too where people apparently maybe liked me, but I just didn’t like them that way or I was emotionally unavailable because I liked someone else. And then when you’re in grade school you do those fortune telling games where you write the names of different boys in your class and stuff and it’s not serious, but sometimes you don’t want to be mean if like the fortune tells you it matched you to one person or another. Like even if you’re friends and it’s just that you don’t feel them that way, if you played that game and got matched with them and then shouted, “Eww! Gross!” Isn’t that awful? So like, I think he thought that the succubus was talking about him, so he said it was inaccurate, but also just like got really flustered because it’s a private topic like I would, but at the same time tried to keep his eye on the ball and complete the mission while also balancing trying to not to be a dick to his friend. Like even asking the other questions to me sounds like panicking and trying to find out more info to check if it is him, because he isn’t aware of Binghe’s future either. It’s kind of a mess of emotions and trying to balance everything he’s taking in his actual personal feelings and trying not to offend his friend. All that together I think would make me embarrassed and give me a stormy look too.

So I dunno, I kind of feel like if I was in his place I would react much the same even if I didn’t have feelings for Qingqiu. The idea of Qingge being straight sounds totally reasonable to me, and Qingge is like the traditionally virtuous macho guy of Chinese lit. Incredible martial skill and stoic and very work-oriented. Like I like looking at Qingqiu’s face a lot, but when I was young a stoic and work-oriented guy like Qingge was my ideal man because I thought they would never cheat on me because they would have the self-control to keep it in their pants. As I got older I started to realize that such a person was not actually realistic and I became disappointed as I came into middle school and realized my ideal was most likely a Buddhist monk who could not get married to my utter disappointment. A lot of other characters I like in my fandom often have the same trait where they canonically don’t seem to show any kind of attraction to almost anyone really because of my fear. Guys who chase skirts all the time are the least appealing to me.

But like also, Qingge being the stereotypical manly man kind of character leads me to remember other stuff about Chinese culture as well that maybe blur the lines that perhaps other readers don’t pick up on because it’s not part of their culture? Like Chinese culture is very heavily influenced by Confucianism and even more classic lit that has a history that actually pre-dates Confucianism is written to have a Confucianism bent because it was a popular thing by the time it was actually written down to paper. It was already so pervasive in society by that time so there’s a lot of stories where we don’t know their “original form” but the Confucian ideas in it are highly influential and if that story is particularly notable or influential in itself, it trickles and affects the thoughts and ideas of the entire culture and all of our stories. Like Journey to the West is probably one of the most influential of the classics in all of East Asia, and while it’s mostly a Buddhist allegory, it does have bits and pieces of Confucianism in it and upholds the cardinal relationships. All this is to say, that this philosophy is pervasive and needs to be taken into consideration if we’re looking at how people behave in a Chinese story. Sometimes character actions can be affected by it, and sometimes they’re not. Binghe being a stallion novel protagonist with a traumatic past that involves demons is probably way beyond the scope of Confucius’ ideas, but Qingge being the traditional man’s man so to speak, absolutely falls within it. He is that kind of character because he follows those ideals and mannerisms.

That is important because Confucianism highlights very strongly loyalty. It comes in the form of filial piety and so on and so forth, but being loyal to your community, your ruler/boss, your family, and so on was really important. Spousal loyalty you can throw a side eye at and question because it’s mostly only one way if we wanna be real, but even though it was one way there was a prescribed way to behave still. So then some people kind of criticized Qingge’s sexuality because he dedicated himself for so long to doing something for Qingqiu. But that like doesn’t necessarily mean anything either because of loyalty to help your friends or someone who specifically helped you or even to your clan/sect/family especially which Qingqiu falls into. You do that for people you have obligations to. Bear in mind, I also gave an actual gift to a boy who just saved me from a bee landing on my desk and had all of my classmates completely misunderstand that, so Qingge’s meta situation is a mood for me.

The other thing is, what is considered to be acceptable male behavior is probably a lot wider traditionally in Chinese society also because of Confucianism. Specifically because Confucius was very, VERY, misogynistic. There’s a lot of merit to think about into the things he thought about for some bases of the cardinal relationships, but any time he delved into anything regarding gender relations he was pretty much full of shit. Like in principle, a ruler is the head and the ministers under the ruler are like the body making the ideas from the head happen. That sounds like a pretty sound metaphor to how to run a country or a company even. Like maybe if you’re the CEO as the head of the company you don’t do something that benefits your head only and spites your workers equivalent to like cutting off your own feet (like making them work if they have coronavirus). That sounds like a horrible way to keep your company going, right? How would a "body" last and succeed without feet? (It should be noted that this metaphor also works for why Binghe's punishment of the original Qingqiu via human stick was super appropriate for his mistreatment because disciple Binghe was a subordinate and should have been treated better according to the rights). So Confucius’ ideas in things like that seemed pretty reasonable. His ideas on women, however, were not.

As a base, we should probably start with Taoism which is the source of all the cultivation lore in this book anyway. But the very simplest and most well-known symbol from Taoism is the yin-yang symbol. Yang is a positive male energy and yin is a negative female energy. Positive and negative are not actually good vs evil in terms of contrast, but are more like photons and electrons. Just two kinds of energies that coexist in the world and create a balance and cannot fully stand on their own without the other, and there’s a little bit of each in each one. Black is not pure black, but has a little white. White is not pure white, but has a bit of white, so basically nothing is perfect. This alone could be misogynistic too, but not necessarily. Depends on how much a person runs with that.

Confucius really ran with it though. He really thought and it was popularized that women were “inherently evil” because of their genitalia. Absolutely full of shit, but I think he was trying to point out how a lot of men act the fool over trying to chase skirts and get laid. It’s really shitty that he blames women for just inherently being temptresses just because they have that genitalia and it spreads to their overall oppression and lack of rights, but at the same time he does to an extent tell men to be accountable for falling into the temptation. Dalliance with women was only necessary to continue the family line and otherwise was thought should be avoided because our ladies are just too tempting and distracting. He warns men to stay away and control themselves, but unhappily for the wrong reasons. With that backdrop, he even went as far as to say that sex between men was better than with a woman because well, you’re not messing with that “evil”. In that respect, he heavily, HEAVILY encouraged relationships with other men and boys clubs including ones where people get drunk and make paintings and poetry with each other. So some level of intimate closeness between even straight men was normal too, so you have to kind of alter your perspective to look at this and find "signals".

These kinds of teachings were thought of to an extent in China, but didn’t really affect the LGBT scene of ancient China because the filial piety part of ensuring the next generation was top priority. Homosexuality as a word even didn’t exist in the Chinese language until more modern times as an import from Japan because the above teachings we just discussed *really* took off in Japan where I guess filial piety was less important. A huge amount of pre-modern same-sex lit came out of Japan including lover suicide themes because damn, I love you so much but we can’t be together because one of us isn’t a woman and we have obligations. Let’s drown ourselves in the river and hope in the next life we can be reincarnated together as a couple that can actually consummate our love. This was a thing in Japan. Onnagata in Kabuki were also to an extent another level and extension of this. In China, it wasn’t like same-sex relationships didn’t happen, but it wasn’t openly discussed because of filial piety. Generally everyone just got married and basically had a cover family and after you had a child to pass on the family legacy, people could not care less what you did privately. If you can imagine it, there were likely some shady dealings here and there with how to deal with this problem too because I can’t imagine that everyone was really down with forcing themselves to be intimate with someone no matter how much they wanted to get their parents off their back, but that kind of family secret was probably deeply buried. It’s also not like people didn’t talk at all about relations with the same sex because people looked at temples with a bunch of men together all practicing Buddhism and thought surely something must be happening, but obviously none of that would be officially recorded or openly discussed. The whole scene was just under the surface and not talked about because it was important to keep appearances and the appearance was that you had an actual family and fulfilled your filial duty. It’s only been recently where the idea of homosexuality as an orientation and  being talked about openly as something beyond a secret you do after fulfilling your family obligations, and that’s why the word had to be imported in in modern times.

So with all that in mind, actual bromances that aren’t even actually romantic at all between straight men totally seems normal in the context of this culture. Relationships with other men were very highly valued, and if Qingge is a basically traditionally perfect Chinese man he would basically follow this ideal and would likely have some behavioral traits that seem questionable to a modern audience.

I would also think Confucius would have a problem with romantic relationships between a master and disciple. It's thought to usually be similar to a surrogate parent-child situation, so awkward. But original Qingqiu had some designs on Yingying and while that's kind of a violation-ish too, Yingying is also female and you're expected to obey your father, husband, and son so eh.... not that weird because they aren't actually family. The specifics of two men though is a different matter not commonly discussed obviously. Generally you sought a master to better yourself and grow virtue, but if you start a romantic relationship with them it equalizes your dynamic and they become more of a peer than someone you learn from, so in Qingge's mind because he is traditionally virtuous Binghe was likely not on the radar at all because why would anyone mess with that mentor-student relationship? It has to be from among the other leaders in their sect that the succubus is talking about to his mind.

This is probably circular, but I’ve been writing this up for over an hour late at night. XD

Sources: life, heritage, reading classic lit books, and at least 3 courses discussing gender representation in East Asia at UCI (arguably almost all my coursework covered these ideas to a degree)

[yurireview]

The criticisms of bumbleby and other ships are so immature and hypocritical

Hello dear followers of RWBY here a new review and before I start I must say that I love the videos of criticism (but everything has a limit) I always tolerate the videos Anti Bumbleby with their bad arguments ... but the video of this girl if It is very silly

It is incredible that she criticizes most of the ships (Renora-Arkos.Whiterose) but says that Ruby and Oscar have a "slow development" in their future romance and of course praises the Blakensun (you know, I will not bother to put all the Bumbleby moments because with a few it is easy to refute their statements)

Vol 1

 "From Vol 1 they were pushing the Blakesun" which is ridiculous.

In the First Volume only have time on screen in the 2 final chapters and the worst is that it was more action than anything else to top Sun has winking at Blake there was nothing "romance"

In Volume 2 she says "Blake went to the dance with Sun" but she forgets to mention that Sun thinks the best thing about Blake is that "she is a faun" which is an idea that Blake rejects because she wants to be valued by her not by his race.

Now she also forgets to say that Yang was the one who revealed something of his past to Blake because she wanted her to be less stressed besides feeling that she could share those things with her. Reason? simply because it's Blake.

I mean seriously. What's with the Sun and Blake dance? relatively nothing, not even spent a lot of time and to top Blake I dedicate a loving look to Yang in the middle of the dance ... mentioning that Yang was left without a partner "For some reason"

something that should be emphasized is that the series always focuses that Sun does not understand Blake and that really is the reason why the two were incompatible as a couple (not to mention that many events in Blake's life made this difficult)

The worst thing is that after that there was nothing between Sun and Blake ... I mean nothing in that volume after the Dance.

The worst part is that the end of Vol 2 is where the most important connections of our protagonists are established. Is this Sun there with Blake? In case you do not know, I'll tell you that it's not

Vol 3 we only have the scene of Sun making Blake blush ... but then (Nothing). What did they connect? When was it more than a little game of teenagers?

Worst of all, she ignores the fact that the narrative could have written at any time that the conflict with Adam was with Sun but they did not ... in fact, Sun was there and they completely ignored him.

literally the moment between Adam-Blake-Yang was so devastating to her that they even used the same environment as in Trailer Black as a symbolism

I mean what more obvious can be those who would be important in Blake narrative?

The worst thing is that the last thing we see about Sun and Blake was seeing how Blake clings to Yang, showing a thousand times more emotion than when he is with him and in addition to a real link

Vol 4

she considers that the moment of Sun and her parents is "a sign of romance" 

something remarkable is that even in the opening 4 of rwby showed how Blake did not feel comfortable with Sun and what he missed most was Yang (but she does not point it out)

What seems to ignore in the Vol 4 is that Sun and Blake only spoke for 10 minutes and there really were no indications of "romance" rather the opposite ... his presence bothered her, in fact what bothered her the most was that Sun did not I understood for nothing

it's not to offend but if that is the "developed romance" your argument to attack the Bumbleby is very stupid

Then she points out that Blake told Sun "my hero" but she forgets that is not in romantic context  ... in fact, 1 minute ago Sun told him that he would do it again to protect her and "I bet Yang would do the same" Why would he say something like that? Above all Blake's reaction was very revealing ... I mean that girl who made the video without offending is talking stupid shit

In Vol 5 Sun and Blake literally did not have any "Moment" to connect ... the harsh reality is that when Sun met Adam(he does not give a shit)

how it made me angry that she said "I wish there was a base for the Bumbleby" when she literally ignored all the problems in the Blakesun narrative and that obviously they were not going to be canon

In fact in this volume one of the strongest moments is when a parallel is made between Yang admitting that she needs her more than anyone else and the confession of Ilia "feelings" towards Blake. How are people blind? 

They even made the TaiRaven parallel where their father is looking at the melancholic photo thinking of Raven and of course Yang taking the picture thinking of Blake, I mean WTF  How the fuck did the girl in the video say nothing?

then she tries to demean the moment between the meeting of Yang and Blake which to top it off was much more emotional than any scene with Sun in that volume

The parallels with other couples are fucking obvious. Is it so weird that the events that Yang and Blake lived caused them to develop feelings for each other?

Not to mention that she forgets to put the Soundracks that are a fundamental part to express the feelings of the characters.

Not even I put the last Bumbleby Soundrack that came out in Vol 6 (nor the BB because it did not appear in the series)

The end of the Blakesun

Her final complaint is that according to her "they discarded the Blakesun from nothing" when literally in all her video she "forgot" to mention all the mistakes that Blakesun has had since Vol 1

How would someone call "flirting" their interactions in Vol 4 and 5?

I mean literally it was the opposite here the problems of ship Blakesun were addressed in the first 3 volumes (lack of narrative importance, lack of understanding) in fact these 2 volumes were developed as friends.

That's why the moment of Sun and Blake in Vol 6 was the conclusion of a new friendship (because before Sun was just the guy who wanted to be with Blake was not even his friend) but now they separated as friends

Blake and Yang in the Vol 6

Volume 6 certainly improved a lot compared to what was seen in Vol 5 with regard to the development of the series in general ... but one of the things that only continues what Vol 4 and 5 raised was the development of the link of Yang and Blake.

One of the things that the Blakesun  fandom refuses to accept is that the separation caused their link to increase rather than diminish it ... with Yang this is evident as they saw on the top and that's what people can easily accept if they explain it ... but with Blake this also happened, in his time with his parents and Sun something that Blake realized is that he misses his team ... but especially to Yang and deny this is stupid

Yang, despite having accepted Blake, still feels that anger towards her because she left and does not want to feel like she felt again, so she does not want to be close to her ... which contrasts with his dynamic in the first volumes , here is Blake who tries to get his attention at all times, looks at her all the time and wants to be alone with her.

Many have said that Yang has been "unfair" with Blake ... but this is understandable since Blake is someone "very special" to Yang and this hurt her more than anyone ... but obviously this does not show in front of Ruby or Weiss because that matter is her and no one else.

What causes me a lot of laughter is how Blake for the first time since Adam is nervous and trying to connect with someone in particular because if they check their relationships: (Sun seeks her, Ilia seeks her, Yang is the one who seeks her).

This is not only because of "guilt" but because she really misses her and again Blake does not feel this with Ruby, does not feel this Weiss and does not feel that with Sun. Now do you understand what kind of development they are giving you? you have to know when the narrative makes a distinction.

These emotions were not felt by Sun and that is evident, what makes me laugh at that situation is that the distance made him see who was the person who most missed

The girl and many who are against the couple argue "Is that Blake only thinks that Yang can not take care of itself" this is not only false, but stupid Do you remember that Blake defines Yang as someone strong? in fact that's why he associates her with Adam in volume 3. Do you remember that in chapter 1 of that volume both fight together without problems?

When Blake told her that "I would protect her" it's not because she thinks that she does not believe in her, but that she does not want to see her hurt again and much less for Adam, he just wanted to comfort her and connect with her ... literally this scene is equal to other ship "hetero" that nobody argues for being "Hetero"

even in this volume we have the parelism with the account of the beauty and the beast (which was indicated from the Soundrack)

I could explain almost all the development of Vol 6, but why bother? It is so evident the parallel they did with Renora and other ship that denying it is very silly.

How does anyone in the Bumbleby fandom respond to such a stupid video? if I knew how to make YouTube videos (I would do it) ... but I'm surprised they get trampled by guys and girls who make this videos of hate

In case you have not noticed (Many animes have worse matches and nobody says a shit ... but since these are "lesbians or bisexuals" the fandom say "I only want a good story, Bumbleby ruined" when that is a lie so little credible

Conclusion

is a very stupid video, not to mention that he also forgets the Anthologys and the official manga that gives so many Bumbleby moments instead of Blakesun (which is weird considering that "everything indicated Blakesun) I hate to say it, but what a ridiculous girl

in fact part that made me make this review was not to defend the Bumbleby but how can someone be so shameless to say that the Rosagarden has development and not the Whiterose or Bumbleby or other ship? I mean, that's ridiculous

I mean the development of Ruby and Weiss was so much that even in the opening they focused on it, without mentioning that they are the longest dynamics of the series and that the creator himself shipped them ( this ship is a Japanese yuri cliche)

But if that is not enough the official RWBY manga published in the shonen (which has more narrative importance, develops them with romantic touches) so literally that girl's video is too silly

So my advice for the fandom is that they do not listen to everything that someone on YouTube says and my advice for the fandom Bumbleby and Whiterose is to defend themselves from these stupid things that the Haters do and remember (Mounty liked the Whiterose) and his concept of introducing LGBT characters fits perfectly with what is happening now in the show.

[parkeraul]

be mine

shawn x reader words: 1.912 warning: fluffy and romantic stuff. blame it on valentine’s day. requested by anon: “can you do a small imagine where shawn is thanking his girlfriend in his acceptance speech but he accidentally says wife instead and after everyone’s freaking out though it’s not true. please and thank you”

your wish is my command 

“Shawn Mendes!” The host screams. The audience follows the host, equally excited and clapping their hands to congratulate him. Shawn gets up to fix his suit and then leans down to capture a quick kiss from your lips before walking towards the stage. You can’t help but stand up too, your hands joining the loud applauses as you smile proudly at him. Shawn goes upstairs to greet the host and receive his award. Everyone could sense from afar the happiness taking over his body by his big smile highlighting his little scar placed on his face, his eyes shining bright as the setlights turned at his direction and his cheeks blushing, showing that rosy tone that makes your heart melt every single time. “Wow!” He lets out, totally surprised. “Thank you, guys. Thank you so much!” Shawn says and looks back at the trophy standing on his arm. “It’s amazing to be here tonight, this is incredible! I’d like to dedicate this award to all of my fans, I love you guys so much!” He clears his throat and takes a deep breath while everybody screams once again. “And I’d also like to thank this amazing woman standing in there, my beautiful wife.” Shawn’s free hand points at you as he talks about you with all the love inside his heart. You frown. Instantly. Were your ears failing? Was your mind telling you stuff you actually didn’t hear? The crowd started being louder and louder and the camera captured your confused expression, still giving him the greatest smile you could. “Without her, this would’ve been a lot tougher and I have no words enough to express how grateful I am.” He continued, fixing his curls in pure nervousness. “Thank you!” The host announces the commercial and Shawn steps downstairs to meet you, so you two could leave the ceremony’s room to go to the red carpet for the last time and then to the hotel. “Honey! What was that?” You yelled next to his ear for him to listen better due to the loud sound of the hands clapping. Shawn holds your waist softly with his tattooed arm and kisses your cheek. His unmistakable scent invading your nostrils making you relax against his touch. That was everything you needed. “Crazy, right?” He questioned back at you. “I never thought I’d win this. Thank you for helping me during the whole process.” Shawn grabbed your lips intensely, inviting you to a breathtaking kiss. His tender rosy lips pressed against yours in a sweet way, with love and caution. “I love you.” You were ready to ask him about the “wife” thing when he walked towards the exit door, bringing you with him by still holding your middle. The flashes from the cameras immediately caught your faces. The interviewers begging for him and the fans dying to ask about the same subject taking over your thoughts. You posed for a few clicks with him. He had his award in one hand and his other hand pulling you closer. Those pictures would never look better than this. The two of you smiling, giggling, completely in love and unable to hide it from the world. The staff arrives to carry you to his dressing room while he gives his last interviews for the night. “I need to talk to you.” You said. “No worries, it’s nothing that you should be concerned about.” Shawn agreed, relieved and gave you one last quick kiss before you left. “Shawn Mendes, the man of the night!” The interviewer promptly grabbed his attention. “First: How do you feel about it?” “Man… This is wild!” He vented, laughing at his own words. “I feel grateful. I worked hard for this and I can’t believe this had finally came true. It’s amazing!” “You deserve it, Shawn!” The interviewer greeted. “Now, about that speech…” “Yeah…” Shawn agreed, internally proud of his words. He had thought about it a lot during the past two weeks and he was sure he had chosen the right things to say. “When did you guys get married?” Shawn grimaced. “I thought you’d throw a big ceremony or tell your fans first-“ “We’re not married, man.” Shawn loosened a button of his black shirt. “Where did you get this from?” “Aren’t you?” The interviewer insisted, totally confused. “You just called Y/N ‘wife’ during your speech…” “Oh my God! Did I?” His eyes were now so wide open that they could fly from their orbits at any time. The interviewer agreed and his jaw fell in shocker. ‘Damn!’ Shawn thought to himself. The interview goes all about your relationship, his plans for the future and this night. He left after talking to everyone he could to take some pictures with the fans, insanely questioning about marriage. He tried to explain himself a thousand times without making any bigger mistakes. What a long night. “Can I trust you guys? Can you do this for me?” He asks the fans before parting. His chest felt a big relief when everyone agreed. Some with tears in their eyes, some jumping in happiness and joy. “I love you so much. Thanks for everything!” He sends everyone a kiss and walks to his dressing room. Sitting on his chair, your phone starts buzzing like crazy. Thousands and thousands of mentions on your twitter account. When you were about to check them, the door behind you opened and Shawn entered. “Hi, babe!” He got closer to hold you and kiss you. “Ready to go?” “Yes!” You agreed, handling his bag with his stuff. “Listen, I-“ “Thank you for packing up my things. You’re unbelievable!” He interrupted, grabbing your hand. “The car is waiting for us. I promise you I’ll listen to any word you have to say when we get back to the hotel. I need to talk to you too.” Shawn warned you and you felt a knot growing on your throat. Inside the car, you rested your head against his shoulder and he was rubbing your hair. His leg shaking. Why was he so nervous? The ceremony was over. He had nothing else to worry about. You feared that his anxiety would be probably disturbing him. Your phone kept on buzzing. “@y/n: will you marry me?” “@y/n: Will you marry me??” “@y/n: Will you marry me? Pls?” “@y/n: will you marry me?” Shawn stared at your phone screen and then at your confused face. “What is-“ “I’m sorry, babe.” He kissed the top of your head. “They might be talking about my speech before. Maybe it’s a joke, don’t worry.” Exposing your relationship was so hard at the beginning. You were so afraid that the fandom wouldn’t see you as the woman of his dreams and you worried a lot about showing everyone that yes, yes you’d take care of Shawn as much as he did with you both in sickness and in health. But it became a better situation. The songs he wrote showed the whole world how great you two are together. It was on everyone’s lips how precious the feeling between you both seemed to be. The car arrived and, inside the elevator, Shawn started. “You might be wondering why the hell I called you ‘wife’ before.” “I am!” You agreed. Thank God! You had to talk things over. “I mean, I’m not mad at you or anything. I’m just a little bit confused.” You got those words off your chest. “And I don’t want you to feel like you have to propose like… right now. We’re taking our time.” “You think so?” He asked and you approved. “I like the picture of us married. And you know why?” Shawn pulled you closer and guided you through the hall right after the elevator’s door opened. You had to trust him because he could see the way while all you could see was his mouth telling you: “I see my future with you. And only you.” Stepping carefully but yet awkwardly, he continued. “You have been absurdly incredible to me.” His tone kind of failed. Nervous, he insisted. “I can’t think about a day without you. Without your beautiful smile, lightning up my day… Your beautiful eyes, so bright…” The ‘so’ came out of his lips in a blow as his rosy lips showed you his perfect aligned teeth in the purest smile. Your hands were all over his chest while he held your waist for you not to fall. Caressing your back, he stopped in front of your shared bedroom’s door and ended. “Without your voice, without your encouraging words… I can’t think about a day when I won’t be able to touch your soft skin, your pretty face.” He emphasized the word just for you to never forget how gorgeous you are. “I can’t think about a single day away from you. This is why I called you my wife.” He opened the door behind you. The floor covered with petals, making a trail to the bed, where they were arranged in a heart shape. Your hands instantly covering your mouth as you trembled. What is this? This must be a dream. Big red balloons embellishing the walls with bright christmas-lights invading your sight as you walked in. Candles all around, filling the room with their scent and a bouquet of your favorite flowers standing on your night table. Shawn left his bag and his trophy aside to grab his phone and a little box from his pocket. Getting on one knee, your phone buzzes for the last time. Shawn: Will you marry me? You turn your back to see Shawn kneeled on the floor. His eyes fighting to hold back the tears just like yours. Failing. You let out a whine muffled by your palm and kneeled down to meet him. “I know this is not the most amazing proposal. I didn’t wanna miss the Valentine’s Day,” Shawn justified himself. “But I want you to know that you’re the woman who I wanna spend the rest of my life with. I wanna grow old with you,” His tone breaking as he confessed every feeling burning inside of his heart, which was already missing its beats. “I wanna have kids with you. I wanna make you happier than you make me, if this is even possible!” He giggled and so did you, getting closer and his tattooed hand reached your face, a few centimeters away from his. “I wanna love you everyday and make you the luckiest girl in this world, just like you make me be the luckiest guy in the world. Y/N, will you marry me?” Shawn asked, nearly sobbing due to the strength he was putting on himself to hold back the tears. “Yes.” You said promptly. “Yes.” You said again. “Yes.” Raising your voice, you leaned forwards. “Yes, yes, yes, a thousand times yes!” Whispering at first and finishing with a stronger tone, you threw yourself in his arms and kissed him with everything you had. As you touched his cheeks, you felt his tears moistening his angelic face and wiped them away. Your tongues moving in a perfect synchrony, tasting each other with passion as your lips worked hard to express all the sensations running through your veins. Interrupting the kiss to place another one on your hand after inserting the ring on your finger, Shawn glanced at you and both of your hearts fluttering, floating in happiness. “Happy Valentine’s Day, my valentine. Better: my wife!”