#WAIT I FORGOT TO DRAW HER CUTIE MARK!! NOOO!!! :(

[qalrey]

my fluttershy redesign x3

[lilhdram]

20210416

Hey, again Tumblr!

Lately I've been thinking about topics I can talk you about.

I don't want to talk about anything, but at the same time I don't have a specific topic in mind.

Listen, I really thought 2020 was going to be THE year. But I guess that opportunity is yet to come.

My 2019 wasn't that bad either.

I started working out, like really working out.

My sister said this to me: "You really shouldn't buy all this gym stuff if you're not planning to commit to it".

And while I was already spending some 3-4k I look at her dead in the eye and said "I'm going to do it, I wanna do it!".

So on January 3rd we went to this amazing gym in the capital, the whole front of the building was made of glass so you can actually see the sweaty people suffering inside. I was dying to be one of them, with my cheeks red from exercising and my hair plastered on my forehead with sweat.

To say I was really proud of myself those first days is an understatement. I mean I was lifting marshmallow wait, but I felt great. We went to the gym mostly at night (they closed at 11pm, a lot of times we were locked inside).

But on January 17th the worst happened, while doing a chest routine (with a crazy ass machine that could serve as a torturing device, and was way out of my league) I felt something snap in my abdominal area. And I genuinely lost it. My sister thought I was being a baby and that I was faking it because I was too tired to keep up. But suddenly when feeling my abs (you may as well call them absent since there's not signal of them so far) right bellow my left pec, I felt a bump. And you know, a bump is a BUMP!!

I went into panic mode. And the fact that my sister wasn't paying attention to me made it even worst. So I did the only thing I could do in that situation.

I cried in the gym's bathroom and had a panic attack.

Yay me!

But actually a good human took me out of my suffering and helped me breathe, and they even gave me their mint flavored water. I was really grateful, but I was still scared at the bump. I was already regretting starting my fitness life.

So as we usually left the gym at ass o'clock, there was no place opened to tend my bump (at that point I was sure as hell I popped a Hernia, I don't know how hernias work, but I was sure it was one of those 😭).

So my sister and her boyfriend took me to a public clinic and they made me wait there, all sweaty and crying my eyes out since I had a bad case of psychological Hernia.

When the doctor finally saw my "bump" she said I managed to pull my muscle a little, but that I was going to be fine. No hernias! But she said that I had to be more careful and recommended me to take a few days off from my fitness life.

After that I started to be more careful with my routines, I followed advice from coaches (when I managed to get their attention lol).

And I started to see my body changing! I was more fit, and some of my muscles actually started to say hello! (except for my butt and my abs :c).

I fell in love

In 2019 I was in my 2nd year of single life. I was just coming out of a long ass relationship of 5 years! So I took my time to start meeting new people.

Actually I went out a lot. But nothing ever happened since I was to closed up to let someone in for real.

So while trying to date in 2019, I met some great people and some awful people.

In April my best friend convinced me to use Tinder. Yeah, I know.

(As a side note I totally had a crush going on with some gym cutie guy, but I was too shy to ever approach him).

So yeah, back to Tinder. I posted some pics of my new fit self (nothing showy since I didn't want to attract the creepy kind... Yet).

So I was in my second day of swiping left in Tinder and guess who was there?

Mr. Gym!! (Cutie Gym guy!).

So as I was on my way to work and his profile popped in my screen. I was like "What?" at seven in the morning inside a bus full of sleepy people. The shhed me, but I studied his profile a bit more carefully (I didn't want to press any button by mistake!).

And then decided that I wasn't going to think about it yet as I was going to work for a whole of 7 hours in my school and I needed to focus in that first. So I closed Tinder and opened Facebook and maybe freaked out a bit about it.

Later that day I finally found the courage to opened Tinder again.

So I watched the app loading, anxiously thinking that maybe his profile got lost and I lost my chance with it. But nooo! His pic said hello to me as soon as I re-opened the app. He was a year older than me, his name was a good name, but we will call him Mr. Gym.

So I did the only thing I could do in that case, swip right and hope for the best. I wasn't risking anything you know, if he saw my profile but didn't like me, he wasn't going to know that I liked him. Everything was going to be alright. I could still go to the same gym without him knowing.

Ah... If only that had happened.

No, I didn't like him. In my anxious state I actually SUPER LIKED HIM!!

Why oh why?

So my whole "it's going to be alright if he doesn't like you he is never going to know you liked him" went straight to the gutter. He was going to know not only that I liked him, noooo he was going to know that I SUPER LIKED HIM!

So I did what I was trained to do in these situations. I proceeded to freak out in Facebook and panic in my living room.

And not only that, that day was a gym day! So as usual, we were going to see Mr. Gym!

So I threw my phone away and started to pack my gym things, because my fitness life was more important than my dignity. But...

Suddenly I got a Noti.

From Tinder.

"Mr. Gym texted you".

So... After a few more freaking out in Facebook and confusing my friends, I finally found the courage to open the damn app.

And it clicked in my brain: You can't send messages to someone on Tinder unless you matched!

We Matched guys!! Me and Mr. Gym! I felt like crying, since he actually liked me back, and I was still wary of the fact that I SUPER LIKED HIM!

Anyway, I had two messages from him, and he said:

"Hello, Lilh"

"Wow you superliked me, I wish I know how to superlike you back"

My dad was smoking a cigar outside but the smoke came inside the house since he forgot to close the damn windows. So I was starting to feel a bit dizzy. So I wrote back to him.

"Hey, Mr. Gym. You can still do it if you want, it's never too late".

And he actually wrote.

"Mr. Gym super likes you"

And later we started to talk like a lot. I was anxious the whole time I was at the gym. He wasn't there yet. But it was leg day, and we trained leg day as savages, I was sweating like it was my first day. And it was a Tuesday, the outfit of Tuesdays was a shirt that highlighted the sweat like a sore thumb.

So when I was killing my calfs with a torturing device he finally made it. And if I had any doubt of him being the real Mr. Gym, I ventured asking him what was he doing.

"I'm at my gym, I'm doing some cardio before starting my routine".

And guess who was at the second floor doing cardio??

But then he asked:

"What are YOU doing?"

Oh man, if it was possible I started sweating even more ha ha!

"I'm at the gym too".

"Really, which one?"

"Life gym".

"No way! That's my gym! Where are you?"

"I'm with my sister and her boyfriend, we are almost done".

So yeah, I was really scared to meet him there that day. But I went to the bathroom put my sweater on, and when I came out of the bathroom he was doing his routine, so I went right in his direction. And said hi to him.

I guess he didn't expect me to say hi, but he looked genuinely nervous but smiled at me nonetheless.

We talked for a bit, he even showed me his Naruto tattoo (Sasuke's curse mark). Oh man, I was sold at that stage. We bid our goodbyes and when I walked off, I was humming "Close to you" by the Carpenters. I know what you are thinking. It was too good to be true. (And maybe too fast too)

But for the next days, we texted, we met each other at the gym, he told me he was crazy about me. And I fell HARD.

Two weeks in, during BTS comeback with Boy with luv I thought, this person might be my person.

But one evening with my cousin. I talked about the whole situation. And my cousin is like a FBI investigator... he found Mr. Gym's Facebook.

Guys... He had a girlfriend.

I've had my heart broken before. Not biggy.

So I decided to stop talking to him. I remember the last time I saw him. He was dancing to Post Malone's Rockstar, and he was laughing. He huged me and said goodbye as if it was going to be the last time we talked.

And it was.

But don't worry about me. I wasn't alone, and I was strong. So I kept myself up. I cried a bit, but that was only natural. So when I saw him taking his girlfriend to the gym, I tried to never look in their direction. My sister told me that I was prettier. Hahaha but it didn't matter. I had nothing against her. If anything he lied to her too.

So I kept going to the gym with my sister. And even though I tried to not look for him I couldn't help myself.

Until I finally stopped going there.

I'm not gonna say I didn't date again (I did, a lot actually). But nothing felt as strong as those two mother fucking weeks.

It took time but I finally healed, and later that year I asked out my long time crush, after I praised one of his drawings.

He accepted my coffee date. We had a second date after that, at the movies. And when he brought me home we had our first kiss.

We are still together. He is really special, even though I never thought we could go all the way to this moment. I really love him. We are really different from each other but I love a lot of things about him.

So yeah. I fell in love, and I had my heart handed to me. I healed, and I fell again.

Loving is just part of life, take your time understanding your feelings. No one will know more about you than you. So if you don't feel ready, don't do it. But if you feel ready, go ahead, try it, if you fail, it's okay, you can keep trying.

I started practicing self-confidence, loving myself and self-esteem

During 2019 I was taking therapy sessions every 2 weaks, a lot of things happened in that year. I was 24-25 at that time, so I was trying so hard to adult the adulting, that I was feeling tired all the time. I wasn't enjoying it really.

So I started to put myself first.

Whenever I wanted to do something I went for it. That's so OoC for me, but I did. And it felt great.

I wasn't trying anymore. I was doing.

And I wasn't doing it for other than myself.

For me that was the true meaning of being here. I always questioned my existence. And suddenly I had an answer.

You are here for yourself.

You don't need other reasons.

That was so liberating!

I was finally free!

So 2019 was the year of not taking shit from anyone. (Hence why I stopped any interaction with Mr. Gym even though I liked him). And it felt really empowering.

So I decided "Imma do this more often".

2019 truly gave me a lot, so I was so ready to receive 2020 with the same of energy.

But not everything goes as planned.

Life changes, it's part of life itself. Sometimes it's really sutile, and some others it's like a wrecking ball. But you can't hold onto things too tight or for too long. You have to let go.

I really hope those hurting during 2020 got their chance to mourn. I hope 2020 gave us a new perspective of life. And I hope all of you are safe. I cried the first days because I was really scared.

Now I get that this is part of life.

And life goes on.

So I keep going.

Please, keep going too.

Yours, Lilh.