#V: My self hate is so deep...so palpable [Season 6]

[crowsandmurder]

[ @xx--ofmanythoughts--xx ]

Life was complicated. That was a fucking understatement. Nothing had been fucking easy, in as long as he could remember, at least since before Ope. But, it was before that. Taking the gavel was supposed to help, but it's like he had told Bobby, you can't sit in that chair without becoming a savage. Was he a savage? He'd become a savage a long time ago, and he was beyond caring for the most part.

But, he had made a promise to Tara, to get out, to get their family out of Charming, which also meant leaving SAMCRO. Getting Bobby back into the fold after he left, that had been important. It wasn't like he had ever wanted him to leave, anyway. It had been stupid, that he left. But, he knew that they needed more people, and he'd been doing it all for SAMCRO. The meeting today, it had gone well. He was putting everything together. He knew that things weren't going to be easy. He hadn't told anyone yet, but still. He still wrestled with all that he knew and what was good for his family. He and Tara had lost each other for a bit. He'd made some stupid choices, but they were trying, at least.

Speaking of her, they were stopped halfway home at some bullshit gas station, so he flipped open his phone to call her. There was no answer, and he waited a few more minutes, talked some bullshit, but there was still no answer. That made him speed back to Charming a bit quicker.

One of the guys had to stop at the next gas station, what was he with, a bunch of women? And, he tried to call her again. He still couldn't get ahold of her. Finally, his phone rang and he answered it. "Finally, why didn't you answer before?"

But, it wasn't her on the other line. It was Nero. He explained that Tara had some sort of health scare. Very few people even knew that she was pregnant again and he told Nero thanks and he took off. They could find their way back on their own. He was done with this driving like bitches back. He was getting back to Charming now.

[crowsandmurderbackup]

Jax Teller tags

Jax  ✖ (Aesthetics)

Jax  ✖ (Thoughts)

Jax  ✖ (Character Development)

Jax  ✖ (Crack)

Jax  ✖ (Headcanons)

VERSES:

V: Rebellion is the only thing that keeps you alive [Teen Jax] - After the death of John Teller and even before, Jax is definitely a rebellious teenager. He doesn’t handle his father’s absence, death and his mother remarrying well.  He finds love and that is something that helps him focus, but other than that, he get into trouble a lot and enjoys it.

V: The Prince Prospects [Jax as a Prospect] - Jax may be the Prince of Charming, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have to Prospect like everyone else.  He has to learn to serve the guy his mom married, someone he’s always known. His hot headed temper leads him and others into trouble, along the way.

V: All I ever wanted was a Harley and a Kutte [Pre-Show SAMCRO Jax] - Jax patches in, like was expected and his life revolves around club life, women and crime. It’s easier to not commit to women than deal with not being over the one who left. But, that doesn’t mean that he spends all his time pining away or anything like that.

V: Some days you’re the beamer, some days you’re the goddamned deer [Season One] - Jax is the VP of SAMCRO, Opie’s out of prision, Tara’s back in town, and his kid was born way too soon because of his junkie mom.  There’s always a bunch of shit as Jax deals with feeling like shit matters more, now that he’s got a kid.

V: I’m not the one out there murdering women! [Season 2] - After the death of Opie’s wife, Jax finds himself at odds with Clay, as they deal with a new group and Ethan Zobelle.  He tries to balance it all, but finds himself wanting to be away from Clay and then seeking revenge for his mother.  

V: It’s going to get a lot worse before it gets better [Season 3] - If Jax thought things were a mess before, there even worse now. The Irish stole his son and he doesn’t know how to get him back.  He struggles with self-destructing and having to go to Ireland.  There’s no one who self-destructs quite like Jax Teller.

V: I know you killed my father [Season 4] - Fresh out of prison, Jax has goals that are more than being a part of SAMCRO. He wants to get his family out of this and makes a deal with Clay how to do so. But old secrets and lies may keep that from happening as more things grow out of control and Jax finds himself torn between what’s best for his family and what’s best for his chosen family. 

V: You can’t sit in this chair without being a savage [Season 5] - It’s a new era of SAMCRO. Jax is President and wants to do things differently. But something shocks him to the core and takes away part of his heart, something that he’ll never get back. Dealing with the fallout is difficult and Jax learns the weight of being the King of SAMCRO.

V: My self-hate is so deep, so palpable [Season 6] - Things just keep getting worse. Jax’ marriage is a mess. The problems with the Irish seem to be getting worse all the time and he finds himself falling deeper and deeper losing his vision, and wondering what the brotherhood even is. 

V  I’m sorry that the family I was given has created so much chaos in the family I’ve chosen [Season 7] - Jax wanted to do what he could to protect the club, but he’d never imagined the horrors of what happened at the end of season 6. Facing being a widowed father, he is a self-destructive mess, taking his anger and grief on anyone gets in his way. Mistakes are made and consequences have to be paid. 

V: The crow no longer speaks to me [Surviving AU] - Thought it is near impossible that it happened this way, Jax survives what happens at the end of Papa’s Goods. It takes him a long time, and the fallout from his emotional point at that time is still address. He’s not sure what happens now.

V: Soar on my Wings [Canon Divergent AU] - Instead of going down 580, Jax found himself going up to Norco, meeting Wendy and Nero up there. Now, he’s got to decide if hiding out is worth it. What will his life mean now, and can he salvage the relationships he wants to?

V: He sees all my sins, He reads my soul [Time-jumps] - Time periods of various time jumps.

Bio already on CARRD

[alexshenry]

2gether, for the ask game!!!!! i love you, i hope you're well!!! 🧡🧡🧡

Anon - 2gether for the ask game pls !!

Faiza!!!! My angel!!!! It’s been a good day! I’ve been binging TOL and omg it’s so good?? Love you too, my love! Hope you had a great day aswell <333 

Anon: Hi anon!! Thank you for the ask <333  

Favourite Male Character: Tine :(((. A lot of the reason is because I really identify with Tine to the point where its v v uncomfortable. His self esteem issues.. his overthinking nature and anxiety, the way he sometimes has a hard time standing up for himself and voicing his opinions. just yeah... watching Tine is like watching myself on screen at times and it can be very hard, but also very healing. I understand where he is coming from and it makes me love him so much more. But overall, he is such a ray of sunshine – he’s so caring and lovely to everyone around him, and he has the biggest heart with so much love to give. And when he is sure of someone, he gives it his all to make it work Just.. yeah, he is just pure joy. Honestly whenever I feel sad and watch 2gether feel better immediately just by watching him. 

Favourite Female Character: Earn!! Aww I love Earn so much. She is so pretty and talented and bubbly and sweet and she has the prettiest hair. Her hair is beautiful idk why this matters but it does klasjdlka. And I like how she willingly helped Man with his psychotic plan after he promised her the concert tickets. And she’s so cute!! in the flashfoward scene!! So cute! Just everything about her is perfect, I wanted more of her :(((

Least Favourite Character: Mil.. I’m sorry to Drake and his beautiful eyebrows but *screams* I really wanted to love Mil, but his inability to leave Tine alone when he was officially in a relationship with Wat was just very, very gross and creepy, especially whenever he touched Tine and Tine was clearly uncomfortable. I didn’t like it. His treatment to Phukong was also horrible. Like, the last 2 eps sort of made me warm up to him a little and I by no means hate him bc again Drake and his luscious eyebrows, but I wish there was more to his character bc there’s sooo much potential!! So much!! I’m going to cross my fingers for still2gether to give me the Mil development I desperately want bc I know deep down that if he did he would be one of my favourite characters but the way he treats Tine is not it. OH ALSO P’BEAM!  I nearly forgot about him dear GOD I hoped Man would run him over with his bike

.Prettiest Character: MISS PAM!! The loveliness that she exudes? THE BEAUTY IS UNPARALLELLED. Looking at her.. is an experience. She is so pretty. Her smile could cure anything? She is an angel. And again her fashion sense is goals. I wanted all of her clothes. 

Funniest Character: BOSS! Give me a Boss spinoff pls pls pls.

Favourite Season: N/A

Favourite Episode: Like DBK, every episode was my favourite so it’s very hard to choose. Even the two last episodes had some things that I now look back and really appreciate and like, but.. between episode 6-7 and 9. 6/7 because it was a culmination of Tine coming to terms with his feelings towards Wat and it was so well written and so well done. The part that he admits his jealous was SOOOO GOOD. And then the revelation that Wat met Tine a year ago was the best plot twist! The music at the end of episode 6 gives me chills even now that I rewatched it 38294 times. And then 9 bc it was so soft. Also the sofa scene??? The tension!! “ keep looking at me like that and I’ll kiss you till you drop” “how do you kiss someone till they drop?” THEIR PLAYFULLNESS. Like the whole episode honestly showed how intimidate their love was and how deep it ran. It was so soft throughout. Their feelings were so palpable and beautiful. Poetic freaking cinema, honestly. 

Favourite Romantic Ship: who else but the gaybies. Sarawat meeting Tine a year prior and his eyes changing bc he knew Tine was the one? Tine slowly but surely falling in love with this boy who was meant to be nothing but a means to an end but who he was now praying that nothing came between them?? The guitar being their thing, music being the symbolism for their love?? Fate bringing them to each other’s paths, but destiny not being the reason they are together; it is them and their willingness to work through their problems and overcome whatever obstacle comes their way. God-tier ship. They are The Standard™

Favourite Family Ship: Tine and Type. I really like Type being overprotective but it’s because he wants to make sure that Tine isn’t going to get hurt and Wat is right for his little bro. Idk, we didn’t get a lot of them, but their scenes were great. 

Favourite Friendship: Man/Boss/Wat: The support they constantly give one another is beautiful. Man and Boss concocting ways to help their bro out with Tine was so cute to watch. Like it’s obvious they go above being best friends and are each other’s families.

Worst Ship: That stooopid Oishi honey whatever the fuck drink. Faiza and anon I s2g if I have one more scene ruined for me bc of the blatant advertisement I will akjsdakl. It is so annoying!! I was so annoyed whenever I was taken out of a scene because they did the most!! when advertising that thing. I know it’s a stupid thing to be annoyed at but OMG OH MY GOD. It irked me so much :((

[crowsandmurder]

He was glad the baby was okay. This baby thing still worried him. They had two already, but there was so much fucking drama and violence. He knew that she wasn't okay with a lot of what they dealt with. He knew that his mother wasn't going to just give in and he didn't know how to handle it. Sometimes, Jax was able to just tell Gemma to butt out, but not always.

"She's been losing it for a long time. I don't know what it is, but it has to stop. She's my mother...but I can't let her destroy my family." When she said she didn't want him near the boys, he begrudgingly nodded. "She's going to hate that...but you're right."

Sighing, he moved to hold her hand again. "You do know that just means she's going to fight harder, right?"

@xx--ofmanythoughts--xx

A relived sigh escaped lips when she heard that the baby was alright and still alive.  She had been afraid the punch that Gemma had not pulled had caused damage.  She wanted to cry, and she wanted to be angry, but the truth was…. she was not sure what emotion to release first.  She knew her mother-in-law hated her…despised her for taking her place as the Queen of SAMCRO. 

… a place Gemma thought was still hers…

Drinking the water he offered her, trying to force the dryness of her throat before she spoke but the raspy voice was still there.  “Your mother came to the house believing I am forcing you to leave the club and Charming…and taker HER boys away from her.”  Tara had just looked at Gemma when she had spoken the words of her boys…and she had to correct the grandmother. 

“She is losing it, @crowsandmurder Jax.  I do not know if it is Clay or if it is Nero or what, but I am the one that is her target.”  She stated before continuing, “but I do not want her near the boys anymore.  I do not trust her.” 

Tara would think she, herself, was losing it or being paranoid but she was not going to lose this baby because Gemma was jealous of her. 

[crowsandmurder]

Repost of Jax’ Tags

because they’re being stupid

Jax ✖ (Aesthetics)

Jax ✖ You can’t sit in this chair without being a savage (Musings)

Jax  ✖ (Character Development)

Jax  ✖ (Crack)

Jax  ✖ (Headcanons)

Jax  ✖ (Photos)

V: Rebellion is the only thing that keeps you alive [Teen Jax]

V: The Prince Prospects [Jax as a Prospect],

V: All I ever wanted was a Harley and a Kutte [Pre-Show SAMCRO Jax]

V: Some days you’re the beamer, some days you’re the goddamned deer [Season 1]

V: I’m not the one out there murdering women! [Season 2]

V: It’s going to get a lot worse before it gets better [Season 3]

V: I know you killed my father [Season 4]

V: You can’t sit in this chair without being a savage [Season 5]

V: My self-hate is so deep, so palpable [Season 6]

V: I’m sorry that the family I was given has created so much chaos in the family I’ve chosen [Season 7]

V: The crow no longer speaks to me [Surviving AU]

V: Soar on my Wings [Canon Divergent AU]

V: He sees all my sins, He reads my soul [Time-jumps]

[crowsandmurder]

@gatekeepcr​ liked for a Jax starter

Jax couldn’t say if it had been days, hours, or weeks. Hell, it could have only been a minute.  But, he was still in the boys room and they were still gone.  His mom was here, and he couldn’t believe any of this could have happened. How could Tara have done this? What the hell was wrong with her? She knew what the consequences of this shit was in this life? He just had to find his boys, but he hadn’t quite figured out how to move, just yet. Right now, he was just still and he was just..broken.

“How do I do this? Do something about this. She took my sons..” 

[crowsandmurder]

Jax Teller Tags

Jax  ✖ (Aesthetics)

Jax  ✖ (Thoughts)

Jax  ✖ (Character Development)

Jax  ✖ (Crack)

Jax  ✖ (Headcanons)

Jax  ✖ (Photos)

Jax  ✖ (Starter Call)

VERSES:

V: Rebellion is the only thing that keeps you alive [Teen Jax] - After the death of John Teller and even before, Jax is definitely a rebellious teenager. He doesn’t handle his father’s absence, death and his mother remarrying well.  He finds love and that is something that helps him focus, but other than that, he get into trouble a lot and enjoys it.

V: The Prince Prospects [Jax as a Prospect] - Jax may be the Prince of Charming, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have to Prospect like everyone else.  He has to learn to serve the guy his mom married, someone he’s always known. His hot headed temper leads him and others into trouble, along the way.

V: All I ever wanted was a Harley and a Kutte [Pre-Show SAMCRO Jax] - Jax patches in, like was expected and his life revolves around club life, women and crime. It’s easier to not commit to women than deal with not being over the one who left. But, that doesn’t mean that he spends all his time pining away or anything like that.

V: Some days you’re the beamer, some days you’re the goddamned deer [Season One] - Jax is the VP of SAMCRO, Opie’s out of prision, Tara’s back in town, and his kid was born way too soon because of his junkie mom.  There’s always a bunch of shit as Jax deals with feeling like shit matters more, now that he’s got a kid.

V: I’m not the one out there murdering women! [Season 2] - After the death of Opie’s wife, Jax finds himself at odds with Clay, as they deal with a new group and Ethan Zobelle.  He tries to balance it all, but finds himself wanting to be away from Clay and then seeking revenge for his mother.  

V: It’s going to get a lot worse before it gets better [Season 3] - If Jax thought things were a mess before, there even worse now. The Irish stole his son and he doesn’t know how to get him back.  He struggles with self-destructing and having to go to Ireland.  There’s no one who self-destructs quite like Jax Teller.

V: I know you killed my father [Season 4] - Fresh out of prison, Jax has goals that are more than being a part of SAMCRO. He wants to get his family out of this and makes a deal with Clay how to do so. But old secrets and lies may keep that from happening as more things grow out of control and Jax finds himself torn between what’s best for his family and what’s best for his chosen family. 

V: You can’t sit in this chair without being a savage [Season 5] - It’s a new era of SAMCRO. Jax is President and wants to do things differently. But something shocks him to the core and takes away part of his heart, something that he’ll never get back. Dealing with the fallout is difficult and Jax learns the weight of being the King of SAMCRO.

V: My self-hate is so deep, so palpable [Season 6] - Things just keep getting worse. Jax’ marriage is a mess. The problems with the Irish seem to be getting worse all the time and he finds himself falling deeper and deeper losing his vision, and wondering what the brotherhood even is. 

V  I'm sorry that the family I was given has created so much chaos in the family I've chosen [Season 7] - Jax wanted to do what he could to protect the club, but he’d never imagined the horrors of what happened at the end of season 6. Facing being a widowed father, he is a self-destructive mess, taking his anger and grief on anyone gets in his way. Mistakes are made and consequences have to be paid. 

V: The crow no longer speaks to me [Surviving AU] - Thought it is near impossible that it happened this way, Jax survives what happens at the end of Papa’s Goods. It takes him a long time, and the fallout from his emotional point at that time is still address. He’s not sure what happens now.

V: Soar on my Wings [Canon Divergent AU] - Instead of going down 580, Jax found himself going up to Norco, meeting Wendy and Nero up there. Now, he’s got to decide if hiding out is worth it. What will his life mean now, and can he salvage the relationships he wants to?

V: He sees all my sins, He reads my soul [Time-jumps] - Time periods of various time jumps.

More, to be added.

[crowsandmurder]

He hated when shit fell apart, and it felt like all shit ever did, was fall apart, anymore. It was all this giant mess, that no matter what he did, it all just kept collapsing, day in and day out. He didn't know exactly what had happened, but he knew that he needed to talk to Tara and get to the bottom of this.

"I've been here for a while. I got back as quick as I could. I am so sorry you had to deal with this, and I wasn't here."

Her voice was raspy and he helped her reach for the cup, so that she could get some water. He watched her look under her hospital gown and he had not seen that. That was, what the fuck had he missed?

What had happened in the less than a day that he was gone?

He nodded. "Yeah, they said the baby was still okay...wait, my mom, what exactly happened while I was gone?"

Jax took a deep breath. He didn't know what to say or do. All he knew was that none of this was okay.

She had been asleep for hours as the doctors wanted her to rest and to regain her strength but all she wanted was her husband…and to keep Gemma away from her and their sons but she knew the former queen of SAMCRO would do what she could to manipulate everything to make it seem she had not done anything wrong.

Emerald hues flutter open, seeing him sitting there feeling her hand being held by him as she watched him awaken in front of her.  “How long have you been here?” she inquired softly; her voice raspy.  She shifted her position to sit up as she reached for the cup sitting on the table next to her bed. 

Her throat parched from the medicine and the fact she had not had water since they had brought her to her room.  She didn’t remember.   Maybe her mind was allowing her to forget the fight she had with Gemma…it was just another one but this time; Tara was pregnant and the stress of her mother-in-law or the good punch she had given her was not good for mother or child. 

Her abdomen was sore and as she lifted the hospital gown up; the black and blue of the bruising had already formed and fear entered her.  Was their baby alright?  She began to panic, and tears begin to well in her eyes.

“Jax, am I….am I still pregnant?”  She asked, reaching for him.  “Your mother…your mother did this,” her name fell from her lips, she was trying to control her fear, but it was laced all over her words.

[crowsandmurder]

It hadn't taken Jax long to get to St. Thomas, once he was back in Charming. That was the beauty of Charming. You could get anywhere in about two minutes.

Once he had let himself in the hospital and to the floor, he tapped his knuckles on the counter. Of fucking course. No one was right here. Finally, here comes a nurse. Oh, he knew this one from back before Tara came back.

"Hey darlin', do you think you can tell me where I can find Dr. Knowles-Teller? I heard that she was brought in."

After some time and her having some other ideas, she finally told him where he could find his wife. Sometimes, he had to put a little bit of sugar on things, before he could get what he wanted, especially after visiting hours.

When he walked in, he saw her and he took a deep breath. "Jesus Christ."

Going over to her, he pressed his lips to her temple. She was still sleeping or knocked out. He imagined they gave her something. He knew that she wasn't dead. That, he could tell.

Grabbing a chair, he pulled it and sat down, before reaching for her hand.

"Why was life always so damn complicated?"

St. Thomas…it was a place of peace for her���at times…it had been the center of her life since she had returned years before but she loved being the doctor she had been and what she still was even with her hand being destroyed by the one man that had destroyed so much but she didn’t like to swell on the past as she knew they were leaving that toxic place…the toxic motorcycle club but he had promised her this before and they were still there…

King and Queen…of SAMCRO and Charming!

The one thing that did not sit well with his mother.  The one woman that thought she would be queen forever but the fates and the karma of her past was coming to pass…demons were beginning to haunt her and even the few things that Tara had  helped her with…were not good enough to wash away the blood that was on Gemma’s hand…the spot of Lady Macbeth stained her flesh. 

“You are NOT taking MY sons away from Charming!”

Surprise was the expression on her face and fear in her heart before her mother-in-law changed them word sons to grandsons but Tara knew she meant what she said.  The ensuing fight was destined to happen when Tara came to a full standing position when Gemma took the punch she had been holding back.  Her fist landing at her abdomen, the air was taken from her body for a moment before Tara’s fist hit the older woman under the chin knocking her to the floor.  She felt her hair begin to be pulled and as Tara screamed Nero came into her office. 

Another punch landed in Tara’s mid-section, but she still would not tell Gemma or Nero that she was pregnant, silently praying that her baby was okay.  The stress and the recent fight; she did not want to lose this baby. 

The young doctor fell to her knees, whispering. “Nero get a doctor,” she watched when he nodded when she saw Ally enter the room then running to her helping her to her feet.  Tara reached for Nero’s arm to help her stand. “Please.” 

*****  Hours Later *****

The familiar sound of her cellphone’s ring broke through the silence of the room, but her things were not anywhere near where she wanted them to be.  Lines for the IV kept her a prisoner in her bed.  She knew it had to be Jax calling but how many calls from him had she missed?  Trying to remove herself rom her bed, the door to her hospital room opened and her doctor was standing there. 

A soft sigh leaves her lips before she heard his advice.  “You must be better at taking care of yourself, Tara.  You are a high risk for this pregnancy.”  She heard the doctor say, a soft sigh left her lips.  “I know but my mother-in-law had other ideas.”  She said before she leaned back against the pillows allowing the sedative to overtake her.