#Ultimately fuck iskall

[putthatfloorspaghettidown]

I just wanted to share the orginal tweet that iskall complained about in his latest video.

Remember to support the other hermits!

[definitelynotshouting]

(scared) What... what happens if Grian explains right off the bat when he's found out? (shaking)

in reference to the tags of this ask

So like. A really huge part of what Scar's plan entails in canon-- and yes, it's Scar doing this partially on purpose-- is the inherent kindness of the hermits. You bring a starving, dying man back into the fold, and you can absolutely bet that the VAST majority of hermits will at LEAST let him stay until he's healthier again. This is a deliberate move on Scar's part!!! The urgency of the situation (plus the familiarity) creates more of an incentive to let Grian in and then let him linger, which gives him a chance to grow his roots again and make up with the hermits. Scar wants him home again, permanently, and in this game its basically ALL about buying time.

So what happens when you take away that sense of "he's gonna die if we dont keep him here" urgency?? Well...

Well, in an au where Grian fessed up instantly abt the starving and making games when confronted, there's a lot more room to think about it. In some ways, hunger!Grian's canonical reaction to shut down and just let them furiously throw them out was a lot kinder and ultimately worked to his advantage-- nobody got any answers, so they started looking. People are more willing to talk to him if only to understand why. There's a clear element of "i was just doing this to survive and i feel fucking horrible about it" that is,,, pretty undeniable when you've got the person in question self-harming pretty severely about it. And yes, there's pity. Not always a bad thing, and in this case thats the element Scar is deliberately tugging on to make Grian's stay a bit more palatable until he can reintegrate himself

But when you have time to think about it, without that immediate evidence, without that sense of raw urgency sorta blanketing everything so people dont question as much-- what you get is a more measured, and ultimately more negative outlook. The hermits OF COURSE take the time to help Grian figure out how to feed without using people's emotions. They're kind like that. They do care. But theres now more time to think about this, more time to decide yeah, thats valid, sure, but he still used us and hurt a lot of us and also we didnt consent.

Essentially, what im getting at here is that in a hunger au variant where Grian fesses up immediately, the hermits do help him figure out a way to feed without relying on others... and then when thats all sorted out, a vote is called, and Grian is politely but firmly requested to leave. So he loses them anyway, and without the benefit of a mystery to help bring him back.

Thats not to say the vote wasnt awfully divided, there were plenty of people who were at the very least okay with him staying. But with more time and less distance to think things out, a lot of the folks who fall into the "wary but willing to hear him out" category in canon (i have a whole chart fiejfjdj) ended up moving to the "we dont want him here" side of things because they found themselves understandably uncomfortable with the situation and the harm caused by it to others. To their friends.

Basically, its enough of a majority vote to get Grian kicked anyway and without an opening to return. And in this au, i dont think he would return. The au as i have it outlined is that Grian ends up spending years alone on a singleplayer world, falling into his grief and into the rote cycle of surviving but not thriving, until Iskall (one of the people who wanted him to stay) meets him in a market hub and eagerly gets back in touch with him.

Its very much one of those aus that really SQUEEZES your heart, bc its about the loneliness, and the emptiness of losing your entire community, and knowing it is your fault. Its about what happens when you fully isolate because of guilt and forget what its like to be happy because you wont LET yourself be happy. And its about relearning what its like to be a person instead of personified misery. The recovery in that au is SO much harder, so much of a more difficult road (which is saying smth considering canon's is already super difficult), and takes a lot more time and effort on Grian's part. Its a good au, one im really sinking my teeth into and chattering about in dms, but my gods is it significantly worse in many ways to canon hunger au

[riacte]

More Hermitgals Precure AU brainstorming:

After False transforms for the first time (to save the school), she’s suddenly unable to do it again, and she spirals into insecurity. She’s supposed to fight alongside Stress, but because she couldn’t transform the second time, Stress had to fight on her own

False knows Cleo wants to transform but lost the ability, and False is the one who has the ability but somehow can’t do it, so she feels she’s letting Cleo down. This self-imposed “burden” makes False feel worse about herself

False admits she only became student council president because no one wanted to do it (well, no one competent wanted to do it) (MCC leading flashbacks), and she’s not sure if she’s the best choice because she’s quiet and guarded, but she wants to contribute to the school

Something something about False taking up leadership roles because no one wanted to vs Ren being born and raised to be a leader of his kingdom -> she thinks hers is not a noble cause because she kiiiiinda got herself elected out of spite (at other people’s incompetence), but they tell her that regardless of her motivations, ultimately she’s still doing a good thing and contributing to change

But for Precure, she thinks Stress is way better at it because she picked it up so naturally. At the same time, False knows she’s the chosen wielder of the blue precure power, and she can’t just give it away

Eventually, she regains confidence and decides to fight for what she believes in. Stress stretches out her hand to False with a big grin and goes, “Let’s transform. Together ♡~” [insert dual transformation sequence]

The big bad, the ultimate evil, is this thing called the Algorithm. Yep, they’ve been fighting against the Algorithm the whole time. It can be an AI like Moebius in Fresh— humans at the Corporation serve the Algorithm because they think it knows best, but in the end, all the humans at the Corporation are slaves to the Algorithm.

🤡💀 I know this is typical of me buuuuuut we can name the smaller villains after social media (again) 🥺👉👈. Ticktock. Tumbler. Stanley Twit (yeah it’s him again ÙwÚ). Instagone. Weed-It (although I feel Reddit has less of an algorithm). Or something idk

(There can also be some cheeky references to AI soulless recreations because the metaphor about stealing the Genesis Block for corporate greed is Right There)

Ren gets possessed by his own darkness at some point. It’s different from Stress’ possession because Ren was tired of being helpless and summoned his cold, “evil” self. He turns grey and speaks differently like some Bad King Ren / Grimdog / Red King mashup. But everyone misses their lil doggy and they convince Ren it’s okay and he doesn’t need to be callous and unfeeling to protect his friends.

Bonus points if Ren turned evil after sacrificing himself to save his friends -> death always seems to do Things to him

Sir Joe of the Hills was an esteemed poet / scholar in the Hermit Kingdom and he created Cleo’s power from research— that’s why Cleo is the only one tied to a fairy partner.

The reason why the Hermit Kingdom didn’t unleash the pink/blue/etc powers (and had Joe make up a power) was because those powers (I’m imagining they manifest in the form of keys, Fresh Precure style) are pillars that hold up the kingdom, but when they were attacked, the kingdom fell anyway and the keys would have better use (to awaken the precure instead of protecting the kingdom. The bad guys are mainly after the Genesis Block which is in possession of Ren and co, so they need the legendary warriors to protect the block.)

When Ren and Iskall fled, they took the pink and blue keys. The bad guys were trying to attack Ren, so knowing he’s the bigger target, Ren gives the Genesis Block and the keys to Iskall. But the blue key is like “fuck it, someone’s gotta protect this doggy” and sticks with Ren.

Half of the green key is still holding up the Hermit Kingdom, but eventually they decide it would be put to better use if they made a precure from it. Gem takes half of the green key and goes to the human world, the Genesis Block fixes the other half and gives her the power to transform.

The yellow key was lost after the fall of the kingdom but it magically appeared to revive Pearl and give her powers

The whole key thing is so they can “unlock their potential” (think Shugo Chara), like they absorb the key in their heart and out comes a glowing blob (representing their soul / individuality / creativity) that falls into their transformation item (whatever that might be). When False couldn’t transform, that was because she couldn’t manifest the glowing blob even though she had a key.

OG Cleo didn’t have a key— just Joe and her transformation item (that got broken). But after rescuing Jhost and the ~power of friendship and creation~, the Genesis Block creates an orange key for her, but it’s also ~special~ so she still needs Jhost to transform. It’s a Joe+Cleo two in one deal. This is purely because I don’t wanna exclude Cleo from the keys and the idea of “unlocking potential” 🥺

Idk what the transformation item is— I considered watches (Yes 5 style) simply because I reallllly liked those butterfly watches. Since the theme is creativity, I suppose everyone could have a different item. Like Stress can have a perfume bottle (for the flowers). Someone can have a watch, a mirror, camera, compact, etc

[definii]

Are there any events, details, headcanons, etc. that are specific to your Hermit!Tommy AU? :D I’d love to hear anything about it!!

Well, I don't have that much of my own Hermit!Tommy AU since I tend to lean on other people's take of it like redorich and petrichormeraki because I suck at writing, plus, I don't have much knowledge on Hermitcraft and the hermits themselves (I know widely on Grian, Mumbo, Xisuma, and Iskall however the other hermits, not so much) anyways.

Details on my Hermit!Tommy AU?

-He used to live at Joe's doghouse district (Crediting Petrichormeraki for that) settled at  Mumbo's old hobit home for a while till he's ready to make his own base. Tommy has a small cottage house, a hillside storage room in disguise, and an underground war room where he grinds weaponry, experience, ores, etc as a way to cope and calm his paranoia but surely turned to healthier coping mechanisms such as building, gardening, beekeeping, and bookbinding.

-Scar and Tommy has this soft comedic Love-Hate friendship, It all started with Tommy leaving messes like creeper holes and unsheared tree leaves which made Scar fed up and conforted Tommy about it, Scar tried to be gentle but Tommy like the loud child he is, it only led the two into an argument yet Tommy made a pinky promise to never do that again and Scar gave him tips about it.

-There's an inside joke among the hermits that whenever they pass by Tommy's place, they would leave a stack or two of building in his chest anonymously like quartz, different types of woods, slabs, etc because let's be honest, the kid's building is not too much pretty to look at and Tommy still doesn't take their gift since he doesn't want their "pity".

-Tommy after he's comfortable with the hermits (entrusting them with his trust) he hangs the old pictures (him and tubbo, the crew when the time of L'manberg and Tubbo in his presidential suit) The hermit wants to ask about it like who, what and when of those pictures but doesn't want to push him, worried if they pushed any of his personal buttons.

-Tommy has night terrors on some occasions, screaming as if he was going to getting murdered, rare hallucinations of Tubbo, Wilbur Even dream (He doesn't know the triggers of his hallucinations are yet) Xisuma and Impluse try to find a way for his night terrors to be smoothened put by potions or medicine.

Events on my Hermit!Tommy AU?

-Tommy fled after Dream blew up Logstedshire and almost attempting suicide, like any other Hermit!Tommy AU take on, He somehow ends up in Hermitcraft. He doesn't remember but he does remember blurringly like a fever dream, running away from something, wounded, blindly, screaming hoarsely for help and stepping in something but that's about it. He was found passed out bleeding beneath a tree by Zombiecleo and alerted the Admin about it.

-The Mycelium vs Grass war got Tommy wracked up, to the point he unhealthy grinded days on end but surely is informed that it isn't the same "definition" of war like in Dream SMP that gave Tommy a huge slap on the face of what's normal and what's extreme.

-Tommy took a break from MCC but soon came back, teaming up along with the hermits and agreed on being masked from the crowd, worried that he'll be found. However in the second chosen mini-game: Survival game, Tubbo, and Tommy came across each other due to the borders shirking fast

Both of them thought that they were hallucinating but fortunately, it isn't. Tubbo frantically started to ask him, begging for forgiveness to Tommy but he was killed in the process. Tommy was very quiet the next round.

(that’s it for now).

Headcanons on my Hermit!Tommy AU?

-Tommy has a short ponytail now and is very good with braiding because techno would always ask Tommy to do his hair.

-Techno has two forms. Piglin form, and Human form. 

he prefers his Piglin form as a battle appearance because it’s tanked, faster, and generally stronger than his human form so whenever he goes into something battle-related and casually in public so most people don’t know he looks like in human form. (he also has this mentality to not let his guard down whenever he’s surrounded by people unless it’s his loved and trusted ones).

-Tommy started to curse less in Hermitcraft. The day when Tommy said frick instead fuck, Scar was smiling the entire day.

-He likes ZombieCleo like a sister because he reminds him of Niki.

-He has a small bee garden hobbit (soon extended larger) where he sometimes has picnics, plans out builds, vibe, and relaxes because bees give him this sense of calmness, soft happiness though it gave him a sided homesick heartache. (Y’know, Tubbo.)

-Tommy has two huge surgical wounds on his shoulder blades, he used to have wings when he was little but got into a mega-wither accident which resulted in him transmitted to a hospital, worried that the continuous withering might cause his life so they surgically removed the already halfway severely withered wings off, losing them at a young age.

-Grian and he are the ultimate prankster duo in the Hermitcraft.

-Tommy has problems when it comes to telling what’s real and what’s fake in relationships due to the betrayals, gaslighting, emotional manipulation (from his brother, Wilbur), and the constant inner changing dreads of indecisiveness he dealt with. 

(The drawings will be posted after this)

[skywillsometimeswrite]

Grian's Awful Horrible No Good Very Bad Day

Read it on AO3

Grian has not had a very good day, let alone week, and he is at the end of his rope. He hasn't slept well, he has little inconvenient injuries that won't heal from respawn for some reason, and he can't keep his thoughts in order. He is about to break but he refuses to let that happen. 

Grian was tired. He was tired. He was sore. And he was covered in undoubtedly numerous new scars that he hadn’t taken the time to care for. He was just done, really. He wanted to lay down and sleep for the next week, except even that would be unrestful cause both of his main sleeping areas were either surrounded by loud villagers or a loud pesky bird that demands more and more food from him every day.

He let his eyes rest for a split second too long while flying, gravity taking hold of him in the narrow corridor of the temporary Nether “hub.” He yelped, rolling and getting tangled up in his artificial wings as he ungracefully scraped against the rough netherrack. He let himself lay there in an uncomfortable ball and he glared at the red rock around him with a hatred he had never quite had for it before and was sure wouldn’t last. When he finally stood back up he gave the wall a swift kick, gritting his teeth at how the vibration reverberated up his leg. With a grumble he entered the portal to the shopping district.

On any other day, the nauseous swirling effect of the portal would not have bothered him, but today it felt like another thing that just added onto his ever growing migraine. Add on the bright sun of the Overworld and he was tempted to jump off the platform so he could respawn in his bed and sleep the rest of the day away, his items be damned. But, fortunately or unfortunately you decide, Grian was too stubborn to do that and when he stepped off the platform he glided gracefully to the ground, for once not tripping over his own feet.

Rubbing at his drooping eyes Grian lazily looked around the shopping district, trying to remember what on Earth he came here for. His eyes landed on his barge and he couldn’t suppress the groan that rose as he was reminded once again how much he had to do for it. Sure, he was making tons of diamonds from it, but now that gravel was a hundred times easier to get that means he would have to find something new to stock. Not to mention how much he already has to restock since he’s been neglecting it in favor of his other projects. That’s the part he misses about Sahara the most, not all the work fell on him. If he needed help, at least he could ask Iskall or Mumbo.

Sighing he dragged his feet onto the uneven, rocking floor that was his shop and began checking the chests, slowly making a list on his communicator of things he needed to restock as well as things that weren’t selling. He was pulling the last of the diamonds from the TNT barrel when it hit him. He wasn’t in the shopping district to deal with his barge, he needed Impulse to break the nether roof for him.

Slightly reinvigorated at this realization, and the idea of getting out of one overwhelming project and into a more manageable one, he flew out of the top and up into the sky. He surveyed the island beneath him, looking for some sort of obvious landmark that would dictate a bedrock shop. Squinting against the sun, he didn’t see anything stand out so he glided downward, circling and trying to see if there was anything he didn’t know what it was.

After about ten minutes of circling the shopping district he aimed to land on one of the billboards that had popped up on the island, but when one foot landed the other caught his heel and he went tumbling off the back. He held his arms out, trying to cushion his fall the best he could, but all he managed to do was end up in a scraped up heap with a throbbing wrist held to his chest. He bit his lip as the pain of his wrist (despite not being nearly the worst pain he’s felt all day), his frustration of trying to find this stupid shop, and just the overall stress of the past week started to finally spill over and tears pooled in his eyes. 

He tried everything to push them back, to blink them away, to close his eyes and wait for them to leave. He took deep breaths, embracing the sight of nothing for a few blissful moments as he pushed the weight of everything away. Like this he could almost enjoy the slight breeze of the ocean, or the pungent smell that he had learned to be a hybrid of mycelium and grass, or how nice it felt to just lay on his back and close his eyes, even if he wasn’t necessarily comfortable.

“Grian?” His eyes snapped open and he stared right into brown ones of his mustached friend. Mumbo was bent at an almost exact 90 degree angle, looming over Grian with an eyebrow raised in a mix of confusion and concern. “You alright mate? You seem to have a little something here.” 

Grian felt the spot on his cheek that Mumbo had indicated on his own and hissed at the slight twinge of pain that came with the poke. Withdrawing his hand he saw his dirt covered hand with a hint of red and winced at the sight. Another scar to add to his collection this week, it seemed. And of course it was on his face. He sighed, unfocusing his eyes to a point of the sky past Mumbo’s head.

Mumbo stood up straight, his eyes still fixed on Grian. Grian didn’t have nearly enough energy to try and figure out what the taller man’s thoughts were, and he was still quite enjoying laying in the grass. His mind had fully zoned out, and he didn’t register the fact that Mumbo must have been speaking, his voice mingling with the breeze. He only started paying attention again when Mumbo tried to pull him up by tugging on his sprained wrist.

“Ow! What the hell?” Grian’s voice was high, pulling his wrist away from Mumbo far too quickly to roughly land on his back and causing him to cough a few times to catch his breath.

“Oh! Sorry, Grian. I didn’t- are you okay? I just thought you were tired or, or I don’t know. You weren’t answering me and so I thought I’d just-”

He really hoped Mumbo would just leave him alone after this, but he didn’t seem so lucky as his friend kneeled down beside him. “Grian, is everything alright? What happened to your wrist? Heck, what happened to all of you?” He waved his hand up and down to gesture to Grian’s body.

“I get it. It’s fine. Sorry I didn’t answer you.” He didn’t mean to snap at Mumbo, but he couldn’t get much else past his gritted teeth as he sat up, cradling his wrist to his chest once again. He took a few deep breaths to calm his returning and ever-rising stress. It wasn’t Mumbo’s fault. The last thing you need to do is yell at him.

He didn’t look up to meet Mumbo’s gaze, instead staring down at his chest and his probably swollen wrist that was bent in a very uncomfortably looking way. The longer he stared, he started to notice what Mumbo must be referring to. His jumper looked more brown than red at this point, tears in the fabric revealing the once white undershirt underneath. If that’s what his clothes looked like, he could only imagine what his face and hair must look like.

He really was a mess, huh?

With a sigh he glanced through the unwashed strands of his even dirtier blonde hair to look at Mumbo’s face. “I’m just… having a rough day, is all.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Grian felt his head shrink into the neck of his sweater at the question. He didn’t do talking. Not like this. He was happy-go-lucky Grian that was always playing pranks on people or setting up fun events for everyone. He was never angry or upset unless it was in response to a prank he no doubt deserved, and even then that was all in good fun. He remembers Ren trying to get him to open up to him as hippies, saying it was great to get things off your chest every now and then. But Grian just… couldn’t. He dealt with his negative emotions on his own for years, thank you very much, and he could continue to do it for as long as he needed to.

So he shook his head, using his good wrist to push himself up. He took one more steadying breath and moved to take one step past Mumbo. “No, no. I’m fine, Mumbo, don’t worry about-” His words were cut off by a high-pitched yelp as he stepped on his elytra, the straps around his chest pulling him painfully backwards. He would have fallen over again if Mumbo hadn’t caught him and kept him somewhat upright.

“You were saying?”

“You’re okay.” Grian blinked a few times. “Swears let out stress. At least, I’m pretty sure they do. Doc mentioned something about that a few years back to me when he was helping me with a redstone project. I was getting really, really frustrated and he told me to just… let it out! And I did, and it felt great.” Mumbo’s smile was blindingly bright as he walked over and placed his hands on Grian’s shoulders. “If you need to get something out, just do it. No one else is around.”

Grian dropped his facade, face drooping into a small scowl at his recent fortune. “Okay, maybe I’m not fine. But I don’t need to talk about it, okay? Now if you’ll excuse me I need to go find Impulse’s fucking bedrock shop.” He pushed himself off of Mumbo’s shoulder, taking a few steps away from his friend before he realized exactly what he said. He glanced back to see Mumbo’s wide eyes and internally scolded himself. He hasn’t cursed that openly in years. He hasn’t been this upset in years, either. And it’s all over such stupid stuff. God, he’s an idiot. “Ah, I’m sorry, Mumbo I didn’t mean to-”

Grian looked around, noticing the setting sun in the distance. Other than a few stray villagers from Stress’ campaign, Mumbo was right. They were the only hermits in the shopping district. He glanced once more at Mumbo’s face, contemplating it, but ultimately shook his head.

“No, I, I’m fine. Well, I’m not, I won’t lie to you, but I don’t need to ‘get anything out’ or anything.” A tight smile appeared as he avoided eye contact. “I-I haven’t cursed like that in ages, and I don’t exactly want to fall back into that old habit.”

“You used to curse?”

“Like a sailor.”

Mumbo’s laugh was bright before he cut himself off with a hand over his mouth, his eyes betrayed his amusement, though. “Sorry, that’s just really hard to imagine. I don't think I’ve ever seen you genuinely upset, let alone angry enough to swear.”

Grian found himself smiling despite himself. “Yeah, well, I’ve gotten a better hold of my emotions before I came here. I would get pissed off-” he covered his mouth quickly as he realized his wording, groaning slightly before he continued with muffled words. “-I would get angry at very little annoyances.”

Mumbo snickered at him, leading him with a friendly arm over his shoulder to a hill nearby they could sit on and watch the setting sun. “Quite the gentleman you are now then, huh?”

“I try to be.” He shrugged, letting himself fall roughly onto the dirt beneath him with a grunt. 

Mumbo gave him a softer, concerned glance, resting his head on his hand. “So are you going to tell me what’s wrong or not?”

Grian let the question stir inside his mind as he picked at some grass that was trying to poke through the hillside. After a few moments he answered with a reserved grumble: “I’ve already told you what’s wrong.”

“You’re not seriously this worked up over Impulse’s shop, are you? And what about all your cuts and bruises? Your wrist? Not to mention you are never this clumsy; I almost mistook you for me a moment ago with you bumbling over yourself.”

Once again Grian sunk into his jumper. He looked up at the darkening sky and how the soft lights of the shopping district began illuminating the area. Something about the peacefulness of it all and Mumbo’s comforting presence made the overwhelming feelings come back. He tried to bury his face in his hands, but doing so only made his wrist sting and get dirt in his eyes and the more he tried to rub it out the more irritated they became and then the more irritated he became too. 

And so what if he was worked up about not being able to find Impulse’s shop? Impulse should make it more obvious where it is if he wants any customers! And if the land in the shopping district was taken better care of maybe he would have landed softer. And maybe if everyone had put more time and thought and effort into making a better nether hub then running off to explore everything than he wouldn’t have fallen and scratched himself up on the netherrack. And maybe… And maybe…

“Grian, Grian, it’s okay. Breathe. I’m sorry, you don’t have to talk about it.”

Mumbo’s voice was a knife through the spiralling mess that was Grian’s thoughts. He took a gulping breath of air and pulled his hands from his face, only to realize his face was freezing, but why- oh, he was crying. Fantastic. Exactly what he needed. He was holding himself together so well until Mumbo came along and just had to be a good friend and check up on him.

A sob shook his body as he curled in on himself, hugging his knees. Mumbo seemed to stutter for a moment, unsure of what to do, but eventually settled on gently wrapping Grian up in his arms. He reminded Grian to breathe as his thoughts kept forcing him to forget such an important thing out of his mind. Something far more important than all these stupid suffocating thoughts-

“Grian, you’re okay. It’s okay. Whatever’s got you worked up, I’m sure we can fix it.”

Mumbo’s gentle, comforting words seemed to have the opposite effect on Grian. Because it wasn’t. He couldn’t. He shouldn’t. This was Grian’s problem, not Mumbo’s. It was Grian’s problem that he couldn’t handle all of his projects, it was Grian’s problem that he couldn’t watch where he was going, it was Grian’s problem that everywhere he tried to sleep was either too loud or too dangerous.

“No!” He tries to yell, but it only comes out as a croak in his closed throat as he rips away from Mumbo’s hug to stumble out into the small grassy-mycelium clearing. His hands were balled into fists as he rubbed his eyes with his good arm, trying to get the frustrating tears to stop fucking flowing.

“No?” 

“No! You can’t fix it. These are my problems! And they aren’t even problems! They’re just me being stupid, or not paying attention, or complaining and all I’m doing is blaming everyone else for my own dumb assery, which isn’t fair, but god dammit if it doesn’t get on my nerves! Like this fucking shop! I just need help to get rid of one, one, shitty bedrock block so I can stop hitting every single fucking overhang that could exist in the god damn nether. But I can’t. Fucking. Find it! And that’s not Impulse’s fault, not really, but it’s so tempting to blame him for it because I haven’t slept in five days because my fucking villagers are too noisy and Professor Beak acts like I don’t feed him and I can’t fly straight anymore and I’m pretty sure it’s fucking up my respawn because I’ve died at least fifteen times within the last 24 hours I’m sure--I haven’t exactly been keeping count, but I know it’s a lot--and I’m so sore and tired and I won’t regen naturally anymore and I’m pretty sure I have, like, twelve new scars that I have no clue if they’re gonna heal. I-I mean, I should probably go see Stress or even maybe Scar about it but they don’t need to worry about this because it’s my own fucking fault for being so god damn stupid and I just… I just…” He slumped down again, his legs giving out beneath him and letting him fall on his butt. He had given up trying to stop the tears at this point. “I’m just so tired but I can’t stop or I’ll get behind. But I feel like I’m barely moving forward.”

He let himself fall backwards on the grass, feeling his elytra crumple beneath him. He sniffled. “Motherfucker!” He slammed his fists into the ground and whimpered, holding his injured wrist once again to his chest. “Fuck…”

The air next to him shifted as Mumbo took a seat. When Grian dared to glance at his friend, Mumbo’s eyes and smile were soft. “How do you feel now?”

Letting out a shaky breath he closed his eyes and considered the question. Physically he still felt awful, like he could fall asleep right here and now, but mentally, well, he was still tired, but there was a lot less fog. “Better. A little bit.”

“Told ya it works.”

Mumbo’s smug tone was enough to cause Grian to burst into wet laughter, new tears streaming down his face as he weakly swung a punch at Mumbo’s knee. “Shut up. And don’t you dare tell anyone about this. I have a reputation to uphold.”

“Sure you do. Y’know, Xisuma used to swear all the time. Keralis did too. Actually, almost everyone did. I don’t know when we all started caring about that.”

“Sorry, but I can’t physically imagine X, let alone Keralis, saying ‘fuck.’” He giggled at the thought, wiping away the last of the tears that remained in his eyes.

“It is quite funny to think about nowadays. Although, I’d argue Keralis is easier to believe.”

They carried on like that for a couple minutes before Grian’s exhaustion finally caught him with his guard down. Mumbo didn’t know how long his friend would be asleep for, but he’d be there when he woke up. Then maybe, just maybe, he could convince him to let him help.

[star-captain]

So Much Better

Angst? Yes please! I’ve had the honor to give Red’s au life, to create a story around his amazing artwork. And I can’t help but latch onto the dramatic scene of Edolas Mumbo meeting his Hermit self. 

The Edolas team has found themselves in the Hermit world, and are meeting people with the same face, but different personality. Edolas Mumbo’s insecurities rise and boil over when he comes face to face with a better version of himself.

Edolas AU belongs to @theguardiansofredland

Warning: Alcoholism, Violence, drug mention

It’s been some time since the hermits have been open to visitors from other worlds. A new world can be stressful, and it’s best just to keep to themselves while they sort it all out. Better to deal with their own chaos before adding in someone else’s. But eventually, trouble finds them. 

From the Edolas world, it was just natural to explore what’s beyond. Xisuma makes it impossible not to be curious about what’s on the other side of his crazy portals he macgyvers together. And when Scar ultimately pushes Mumbo in, Grian has to jump after. Everyone else follows in after, with Impulse being dragged in last by an overzealous Zedaph. Black ground bursts out from the portal, massive stone pillars capturing the energy of floating crystals between the tongs. Purple mist swirls beneath the glass at their feet, every so often lightning snapping across the cloudy air. 

“Oh, that definitely didn’t take long.” Scar chuckles, peering over the nether portal. “Though I definitely was expecting visitors of the more...pig variety.” 

“Scar?” Edolas Grian coos, tilting his head and looking at the man above the crowd. He has the exact same face, the same voice as Scar, but he acts completely different. He’s...well, he’s cheery, friendly. 

“That’s not me man.” Edolas Scar growls, looking at the dopey version of himself before him. 

“Aha! I knew it! Alternate Universes! Worlds with the same people, experiencing different choices!” Edolas Xisuma scrabbles up the smooth obsidian monument, practically hopping onto Scar and scaring the daylights out of him. “They are obviously nothing like us! I mean, this Scar here is in his underwear!” 

“Hey, it’s not my fault the infinity portal forgot my pants!” Scar whines. He looks across the group, pushing the feral scientist off his perch. They all look like his friends, and yet nothing like the other hermits. It’s creepy. It’s cool. It’s magical. “You should definitely check out the other hermits, then. They’re a pretty awesome bunch, if I do say so myself.” 

“If they’re anything like you, they’re bound to be strange.” Mumbo grumbles, keeping close to Grian. He’d rather just go back to his world. He doesn’t want to meet with whatever there is out in this world. And he definitely doesn’t want to see what his alternate self is like. If he’s nothing like Mumbo, then he’s obviously not cool. He’s obviously a dork, a baby. He’s probably...Mumbo shakes the thoughts away from his head. He’s not letting those thoughts give themselves credence. If only he had some vodka on him, there’s no faster way to get rid of such thoughts. 

So of course the first person Scar offers for them to see is this world’s Mumbo. “I think him and the other Architechs are doing some sort of get together. I know Iskall and Mumbo are partners, but I don’t know what Grian has to offer. Cactus maybe?” 

“Why would this place’s Iskall want to partner with Mumbo? I can hardly stand this jackass.” Edolas Iskall sneers, glaring at Mumbo. Mumbo flips the bird back, hiding it from Grian. He knows Grian doesn’t like getting into arguments, but Mumbo thrives off conflict. He tries to keep it hidden from his friend. To keep him from getting anxiety from the tension. 

“Mumbo is a really cool dude. Trust me, his work is amazin. “ Scar cheers, guiding the crew into the depths of the jungle, heading westward. “He’s super smart, he makes these machines that just blow my mind with all kinds of redstone.” 

“Definitely the opposite of our Mumbo. I don’t think he can count to ten...unless it’s ten shots.” Edolas Scar hisses, stepping way too close to Mumbo’s personal space for his liking. Mumbo shoves him away, muscles tightening as he listens to Scar talk. Both Scars are beyond annoying, for different reasons. The Scar Mumbo knows is annoying because he’s a prick, a jackass who can’t shut his mouth unless it’s broken for him. This ‘hermit’ Scar is annoying because he won’t be quiet about things. He won’t stop talking about all the amazing achievements that his Mumbo has done. An entire company with automated delivery, walking houses and hands-free machines. 

The more Scar talks about Hermit Mumbo, the more Edolas Mumbo hates him. He’s smart, and popular. Even this Scar likes him. Mumbo, on the other hand, struggles to even keep Grian around. Why would Grian want to stay around him? He’s not smart, or popular. He’s not jubilant or silly like this one seems to be. No, Edolas Mumbo is a piece of shit with nothing good to his name. The only thing he’s smart on is the best kind of drinks and drugs, he’s only popular when it comes to seducing people. 

The group arrives at the quiet river, the potatoes growing before the circular hovel nestled in the hillside. Across the river, a series of machines are running at lightning pace. Xisuma can’t help being drawn to the inventions, optimized to give the best products in the shortest amount of time. Iron farms working nonstop, sugarcane growing as fast as possible, and a smelter cooking without a single coal wasted. 

“Hey Mumbo! I have some friends that would love to meet you!” Scar yells, poking his head through where a door should be. It seems Scar isn’t the only one to fall victim of the Jungle Bandit. 

“I wouldn’t say ‘love’.” Mumbo hisses. He winces as Grian slaps his shoulder lightly. 

“Be kind, Mumbo. We’re guests, and you shouldn’t judge a book by it’s cover.” Grian whispers. 

Three familiar faces peer out the massive glass window. All three are easy to identify, though some more than others. Iskall still has his emerald eye, but rather than an eternal frown on his face, his cheeks are creased with dimples. Grian has an evil glint in his eye, practically rushing down the ladder to meet the strangers at the doorstep. 

The two Mumbo’s simply stare at one another. The same face, same black hair and smooth mustache, on completely different people. Hermit Mumbo’s hair is slicked back, neat and tidy. His mustache is well trimmed, and he wears a well tailored suit. Edolas Mumbo’s hair sticks out in every direction, like he just woke up from a drunken stupor. Probably because he did. Piercings litter his face, cool metal brushing against his frazzled mustache and hair. Mumbo looks at his clothes, dirty and stained with alcohol and...well, other things. He just grabbed whatever was the least dirty, wore it out to party last night then fell asleep in it. 

Hermit Grian flies up, locking in on his counterpart. Edolas Grian squeaks, hiding behind Mumbo. “Whoa, I look good in every world.” 

Grian tugs on his bowtie, gulping as he dares to look closer at himself. Hermit Grian can barely keep still, bouncing from foot to foot and even fluttering the elytra wings on his back. Mumbo steps back between the two, seeing the mischievous glitter in Hermit Grian’s eyes. He’s seen that kind of trouble before. This one is a little shit. A gremlin. Nothing like the ball of anxiety behind him. Edolas Grian couldn’t even knock over a punching bag without apologizing. 

Hermit Grian looks up, surprised by the angry face. He’s not sure if he’s ever seen Mumbo make that kind of a stare. Daggers cutting through him, like some terrifying biker or punk rocker. “I don’t know if I like Mumbo with ear piercings however.” 

“Tough, because they’re staying.” If anything, now he wants to get more. Just to spite the gremlin in front of him. 

“You’re me?” Mumbo questions, appearing from his hobbit hole. “Wow...I look...I look…” Mumbo is at a loss of words, glancing over his Edolas counterpart. He looks badass, like some guy who knows how to find trouble and win. He’d make a better mole than Hermit Mumbo. 

But under the gaze of Hermit Mumbo, Edolas Mumbo can feel every part of him being scrutinized. His sloppy dress, the alcohol on his breath. Every insecurity, every vice and weakness is under a microscope. 

“This is the man of the hour, let me just say. I mean, look at this awesome iron farm he just built!” Scar waves the group over to Mumbo’s work. “How many iron ingots does it make?” 

Hermit Mumbo scuffles his feet, blushing. “Oh, something like 3,000 ingots and hour. It’s not the fastest, but it’s more than enough for me.” 

Mumbo rolls his eyes as the others gasp in awe. What a waste of energy. Who even needs 3,000 ingots? Mumbo can think of a thousand better things to waste his time on than making such ridiculous contraptions. Hermit Mumbo is just lazy. Smart, smarter than Edolas Mumbo, but surely he’s lazy. 

At least, until he starts to show his current project. Edolas Grian gravitates towards Hermit Mumbo, enjoying the calm and funny personality. And that infuriates Mumbo. Even his best friend things this useless brainiac is better than him? Grian points at the half-finished machine, in awe with wide eyes. Wrapped into the conversation. “What does this do, Mumbo?” 

Hermit Mumbo goes into some long winded explanation, and the second Mumbo hears his own voice, he tunes out. But he can’t help but watch as his own friends are rapt with Mumbo’s words. Xisuma is taking notes at a feverish pace, and even Scar is listening to the suited version of Mumbo. 

No one is better than me. Mumbo reminds himself. He may not be as smart, or as popular, or as funny, or as kind as Hermit Mumbo. But he’s cooler. He’s sly, he’s independent, he’s the life of the fucking party. This guy… this guy can’t stop talking about t-flops or whatever. 

Edolas Mumbo sneers as Edolas Scar looms close, resting his arm on Mumbo’s jacket. “Would you look at that. Even your best friend prefers this version to you.” 

“Shut the fuck up.” Mumbo steps back, letting Scar fall flat on his face. But Mumbo looks at Grian, both Grians listening intently to Mumbo show off his spectacular knowledge. The machine starts to fire, turning the farm on and beginning it’s collection. 

Even he is better than me. Mumbo can’t build incredible designs, machines that make life easier, that astonish and astound. Machines that Mumbo could never even begin to imagine, much less build himself. He can hardly even get the key of his own apartment into the lock most days. Mumbo can’t make friends, even the people he hangs out with most would rather eat fermented spider eye than call him an ally. He’s not funny unless he’s got a cocktail of drugs mixing up his mind and body. And the last thing anyone, even Grian, would call Mumbo is kind. He’s an asshole, a bastard. A rubbish friend and an even more rubbish person. A waste of space. A waste of time, a waste of effort.

Mumbo rolls his eyes, but he hears Edolas Grian’s bright voice over the amazement of the others. “You’re so cool, Mumbo! You can make all this incredible stuff, and you’re smart enough to explain it all. And kind enough to show us it all, I can’t imagine thinking of all this. This has to be why so many people ask you for help!” 

Edolas Mumbo can hear something snap, like a bone breaking in his own mind. His own heart. Grian never called him smart, or kind. No one has ever called him anything except a bastard, or a fucker, or an asshole. He hardly feels his fists clench, looking at his own face. How long has Mumbo wanted to punch himself, to beat himself up? To give him what he deserves? How often has he looked in the mirror, drunk and high, and just wanted to knock himself out? 

“Oh, it’s nothing really, mate. I’m honestly not that good, you should see something like Impulse.” Hermit Mumbo overs a shy smile, eyes closed as he smooths back his hair. His awkward chuckle is cut short as a rough grip wraps around his neck. Hermit Mumbo’s legs kick out as the raging grip raises him from the grass. He forces his eyes open, hand grabbing at the tattooed arm- of himself. 

“Stop being better than me!” Edolas Mumbo shouts, fists shaking and a prick of tears burning at the corners of his eyes. Mumbo looks down the arm holding him up, head tipped high but eyes glancing down to see his own face. He gasps for air, holding onto the arm suspending him in the air. And despite being physically in peril, he can see that he’s not the one suffering as much as Edolas Mumbo. In shared grey eyes, he can see the pain, the fear. 

Edolas Mumbo is terrified. Everyone thinks this Mumbo is so much better- because they’re right. He is a thousand times better than him. Scar prefers him, Xisuma prefers him. Even his best friend, Grian, prefers this Mumbo to him. They’ll ditch Mumbo in no time, in lieu of so much better a version. He’s nothing compared to the amazing, perfect person he has grasped in his hand. He’s just a bastard, someone that everyone hates. Someone that everyone wants gone. 

“Mumbo! Stop it, what are you thinking?” Both Mumbos look over, seeing Edolas Grian with tears streaking down his face. Torn between wanting to tell his friend off for being so aggressive, and wanting to calm him down. But for Edolas Mumbo, seeing his best friend crying because of him lets him know that he’s done it again. He’s fucked it all up again, because he can’t handle his own emotions. He can’t control himself, he can’t be anything except a piece of shit and a walking disaster. 

Mumbo let’s go of his own neck, lightly setting Hermit Mumbo onto his feet. The tiny tears have grown to full floods, guilt and regret and hatred all boiling over. Despite the soft landing, Mumbo still falls to his knees, trying to regain control of his heartbeat and body. He looks up, wanting to ask himself what the problem was. Why he was more afraid than Hermit Mumbo. 

But he’s gone, a cavity bored through the crowd that surrounded him. Hermit Grian steps in, looking at Mumbo’s neck. It’s red, but not bruised. Despite the anger in Edolas Mumbo’s grip, he couldn’t bring himself to actually hurt another person for no reason other than wanting to bring pain to himself. Grian looks at the shaking Grian. “I think he needs some help.” 

---------------------------

“Mumbo?” Grian whispers, peeking his head into the empty bar. It’s midday, but he knew that if Mumbo was going to go anywhere, it was here. This is his favorite haunt, where he can get the cheapest prices on drinks, find the best new addictions, and hit up the next morning’s mistake. 

There’s only two people in the dark, smoky bar. The bartender, who nods to the end of the line of stools. The darkest corner. Mumbo is surrounded by an assortment of bottles, shots, and whiskey glasses. Mumbo’s head is against the glistening and sticky counter, hand still clutching the current bottle. Grian creeps closer, clambering onto the stool next to Mumbo. 

“I thought you’d rather be with that perfect version of me.” Mumbo growls, turning his gaze away from his friend. “And why wouldn’t you, huh?” 

“Mumbo, I-” Grian flinches back as Mumbo snaps at him, cutting him off. He can smell the alcohol on his breath. This may not be the first time Grian has had to help Mumbo through a bout of alcohol poisoning. Hopefully he won’t need the hospital this time. 

“Just leave me, get something better than this piece of shit. Someone smarter than me, kinder than me. Someone who can actually do something useful with their life. Who’s good at so many things. Redstone, being nice, being funny and friendly and smart and such a great person!” Mumbo grasps the bottle in his hand until the glass shatters, shards digging into his skin. Grian has never seen his best friend so low. He’s afraid, not for his own safety. For Mumbo’s. “And what am I good at? Nothing. Nothing except overdosing in an alley outside a bar.” 

Mumbo’s head snaps to the side, cheek stinging and burning red. His eyesight is set straight, free from the drunken stupor for just a moment. Just enough to look back, and see Grian. With his hand still up, and his face creased with sorrow and tears. Deep valleys as he holds back his own cries. Not because he’s sad for himself. But sad for Mumbo. “How could you say such a thing? How could you honestly think that any of us would want you any different than who you are?” 

“Because he’s-” 

“Because he’s you? He’s not you, Mumbo. He’s got a different world, a different life. A different place that he grew up in. A different set of vices and worries than you.” Grian scoots the stool closer, forcing Mumbo to listen. “He’s smart, and kind. But that doesn’t make us ever want to get rid of you! You are wild, and clever, and there’s not another person in this world that would step into a fight for any one of us. Even for Scar, if it came down to it.” 

“Great, so I’m just you guys’s bodyguard.” Mumbo hisses, looking at the glass buried in his fingers. 

“No, Mumbo! Just...for once listen to me, for fuck’s sake!” The sharp curse that crosses over Grian’s lips is enough to snap Mumbo back to his words. Grian never swears, he’s too much of a goody-two-shoes for that. “We are your friends because we want to be! We hang out with you because we enjoy it! Just because one person is different than you doesn’t mean you’re any better or worse!” 

Mumbo’s voice is gone from his lips, and all he can do is breathe in and out. He can’t think of any retort for Grian’s words. Just one thing. “I messed up, Grian.” 

“We all mess up. But the important thing is learning from it. Learning from our mistakes, and being better from it. Maybe...one day we can go back and smooth things over with Hermit Mumbo. But...for now, let’s get you some help.”

[bottomschlatt]

explanation below cut

S TIER: I said without additions, meaning the numbers and initials (?) attached. ImpulseSV -> Impulse, Docm77 -> Doc, iskall85 -> iskall, etc. just bc those wouldn’t realistically appear (in conversational callsigns at least) and it felt bad to exclude otherwise great callsigns to D or F for it. Doc and Iskall get extra mention bc both of them literally *are* callsigns they gained previously (Doc from playing basketball and Iskall from I believe (?) FPS competitive gaming). I tried to consider also what other people call them if it’s derived from their IGNs which, to be fair for most of them IS a callsign, meaning ‘BDubs’ as a natural evolution of ‘BDoubleO’ are both fair game for grading and both pass as really believable callsigns to Me. Impulse similarly is just a good name. Stressmonster is the first in the “this is two words out together” category, which I graded on as part one, part two, and the whole. Stress, monster, and stressmonster all read as good callsigns to me 👍

A Tier: everyone in this tier has good callsigns, but they’re just a bit… off from being S tier. Whether it’s length/plausability of the full IGN (like ‘falsesymmetry’ and ‘goodtimeswithscar’), or just needing very specific events to result in a callsign like that. They work very well extrapolated on (‘false’ and ‘scar’) but are ultimately weighed down.

B Tier: Cub and Mumbo suffer the same disease known as “the second half of my name sucks as a callsign”, Smallishbeans, Pearlescentmoon, and VintageBeef all have “no one’s saying that fucking adjective bro”, and hypnotizd has “why did you spell it like that”. Sad!

C Tier: ZombieCleo and GeminiTay are relegated to C tier for including names/parts of names (“Cleo” and “Tay(lor)”. They are however high C tier bc zombie and Gemini are fucking awesome callsigns. Skizzleman and Etho both have the same issue as detailed in A Tier about needing very specific events to result in a callsign like that, except the italicization is more “needing very specific events to result in a callsign like that”. how did you end up with that?? etho does get a respectful shoutout to the fact that he has a callsign (“ladders”), but that doesn’t effect his scoring here. I think he might deserve a higher rank but I can’t remember enough abt how he chose his username from the podcast so i graded without any context

D Tier: You made that shit up!!! They might work as callsigns, sure, but how did they come about!! its hard to imagine a scenario that results in that being your callsign, which is the fun kind of callsign im arbitrarily grading for so they get the D tier. Also Jevins is just his real name but at least the i adds a fun little festive twist

JOE HILLS: that’s not a callsign that’s your full legal name

hermits ranked by how well I think their ign would translate to a callsign

[jinkxtheroo]

braindump ideas for a danganronpa hermitcraft au

- grian is much like an izuru, but a failed experiment. why we subjected himself to be tested on like that is unknown. - in that that he has a bunch of talents, yet he cant use or knows he has like half of them. he by default is the ultimate builder - the talents he has are split into different personalities, and all of them are utterly useless: - sherlock grian, the ultimate detective. he can’t actually solve anything because he always overthinks every fucking thing and tries to relate every murder case to this imaginary figure he calls “the jangler”. - a figure scar later assumes the identity of to shut him the fuck up - poultry man, the ultimate superhero. he refuses to cooperate with anyone because of fear of someone “revealing his identity to the public”. his “powers” are all literally throwing eggs at different positions. he claims this “jangler” is his archenemy, and he hired sherlock grian to solve it. - ariana griande, the ultimate pop star. she is very intelligent but refuses to cooperate unless mumbo gets out of the room. yeah. she really hates mumbo for some reason. - he has dozen other split personalities that are yet to be discovered, for example, the ultimate test subject (just guinea pig grian) and the ultimate villain, the Phantom Menace. - he can’t control when any of them show.

- false is the ultimate fighter. she has never lost a sparring match or a battle by hand in her life - stress is the ultimate royal, crowned queen of Frostlandia at a very early age. she is a very assertive person. also literally rich af owns all the amethyst mines - scar is the ultimate geologist. he also assumes the name of the Jangler whenever Sherlock shows. he is oddly quiet for a normal Scar, but he really likes talking to stress about her amethyst thingies - mumbo is the ultimate engineer. he, grian and iskall are long time friends, often working on the same stuff together.  - doc is the ultimate scientist. half of his body has been replaced by robotic parts in a terrible accident. - cleo is the ultimate sculpter. i mean she’s literally gifted with those armor stands.  - joe is the ultimate poet. also he says weird shit nobody understands for fun so usually cleo has to translate.  - ah yes, biffa - although hiding as the ultimate cyborg, you don’t wanna know what he did and why he had to be encased in an armor - welsknight. obviously the ultimate knight. normally accompanies stress on her walks, although he does not serve under Frostlandia. - still need to find ultimates for all of the rest

[zeejax]

(shakes tin can) spare npc grian lore, cent?

ah FUCK yeah okay so

according to the one hour build swap with taurtis, grian was trying to summon the ultimate builder via a spell he found. it involved using a formation of rustic houses. so npg is grian-confirmed to be a demon. however, he’s also supposed to be a robot???? there’s an intro clip grian did once where he was working on npg like a robot, and npg has said stuff like “this is not in my code,” so like... i derive from that.

anyway onto headcanon land:

-grian’s original Ultimate Building robot was a complete failure. theoretically, it was great— it had everything grian knew about building coded in, and it was physically very capable of carrying through, but it had no ai. it couldn’t identify what kind of build would look best where, it couldn’t account for location or terraforming, it couldn’t understand any flexibility and would simply leave gaps in builds if the designated block was unavaiable. it couldn’t learn. then, one way or another, he stumbled across the summoning thing. he used it and the empty vessel of npg to create a consciousness (unfortunately... well, it didn’t exactly work out)

- physically, npg is uncanny. he looks just enough like grian to catch you off-guard, but the differences are unsettling once you start to notice. just the slightest hint that he’s made of metal with a grian disguise plastered on top. he’s a tiny bit larger, more imposing, capable. his facial expression is almost static. it’s a constant grin— time to learn how to build a rustic house :) !— but sometimes you can see the demon in his eyes, in the slight strain of his smile. real grian has blemishes and scars and even a bit of discoloration— he’s very alive. npg doesn’t have any of that. he’s almost a “perfect” version of grian, or what you could imagine grian thinks would be a better version. stronger, scarless, all smooth skin and intimidation.

- his mannerisms are off putting as well. grian is clumsy but he moved smoothly, animated and with lots of personality. npg is jerky, limited, too slow and observant with the ability to move just too fast. it’s almost like how hermits like biffa or doc move. however, npg never fully did learn how to, well, learn. not in practical ways. so his movements are just as calculated and unnatural as they were the first time he stood, never having the capabilities to adapt and learn naturality. overall, it’s easy to mistake him for grian at first glance, but the longer you look...

- that is, excluding the wings. grian has wings— complex and delicate insect wings. of course, those are new upon his arrival at hermitcraft. npg out dates them. grian wishes he could take comfort in the fact that he can fly and npg can’t, but the thing somehow has levitation abilities. grian knows he didn’t impliment anything that should allow npg to hover as he does, but ever since he summoned npg’s consciousness, well, a lot has changed.

- (sorry to focus SO MUCH on how npg looks but) it’s pretty easy to see that he’s largely a robot. his charging port/power button is located on the back of his neck for easy access. his pupils are obviously camera lenses if you look closely. even more obvious is that grian never bothered to put a “skin” over the areas covered by clothes— everywhere excluding his neck, head, and forearms are exclusively mechanical.

- grian is 100% afraid of npg. he bosses npg around and shoves him in closets, but sometimes npg disobeys and it makes grian nervous. he knows npg is built to be stronger and faster than himself, and he knows absolutely nothing about whatever the fuck is inside the “vessel.” it’s not terrifying, per se, since it seems that the thing is just really into rustic houses, but it is a little nerve wracking whenever he just finds npg’s closet empty. anyone else who’s met npg either thinks he’s adorable or legitimately horrifying. no in between.

- their relationship isn’t all bad, though. for a while, grian spent a lot of time with npg, testing and checking his abilities. he found that npg had developed a slight personality, liking and disliking things outside of rustic houses. they talked (or tried to). once, npg even hesitated before refusing to build anything but a rustic house! grian considers that a milestone. “npc grian” was originally an affectionate name.

- similar to evil x, npg wanders about the worlds that grian resides in, silently bumbling about. grian isn’t really sure if he’s actually getting out, because he’s always in his closet when grian checks, but he’s very suspicious of the rustic houses cropping up.

- in his current world, hermitcraft, npg hasn’t made many appearances. although, some hermits have remarked about a strange grian guy they’ve briefly run into. usually they spot him and assume it’s grian, but gradually notice how... off he seems. they go to approach, but as soon as the figure senses them, it floats away faster than they can match. the next time they visit the area, an entire rustic house has impossibly appeared there. grian’s kinda embarrassed of npg, so he doesn’t let slip what the thing is. it’s on area 77’s hit list.

- aside from getting his fix of rustic houses, npc grian does venture out for other reasons. for example, there’s this red guy who isn’t like the other hermits. he seems to always find npg, and gives him tips on how to hide from grian’s friends. he has a weird voice that sounds similar to how npg’s voice used to sound before grian made his voicebox more realistic. his name confuses npg because it’s the same name he has stored in his memory card for one of the hermits, but the person assures him that he isn’t the same being as the hermit. npg tries, but being able to understand isn’t in his code. he just calls the guy “friend.” being polite and friendly is in his programming! the friend seems amused by npg’s fixation on rustic houses, and likes to ask and suggest things as he watches npg build. he even lives in some of npg’s houses! it makes npg very happy because rustic houses are meant to be lived in. the guy doesn’t seem to build much, so npg gets a willing participant in his Rustic House Tutorials.

- now you may ask, how did grian build a functional, complex robot??? he can’t do even basic redstone! well here’s where it gets complicated. grian’s other worlds have had advanced electronics, much more delicate and intricate than redstone. a very different energy source and style. the closest thing to that in hermitcraft is doc, scar, iskall, and biffa’s bionics, but they’re still a very different system than what grian and npg know.

[fogwitchoftheevermore]

i was originally gonna write a fic about this and then realized i was not fucking committing to a fic that long, so under the cut i’m giving you some of what i had written down, for your entertainment

THE RULES

The Hermits, as Blaseball players, cannot die and have pretty accelerated healing abilities. This doesn’t mean they can’t get hurt though. Anyone who wants to play gives Grian $50 to enter the game. Once in the game, you go about business as usual while also quietly trying to “kill” each other. “Kill”, in this situation, is defined as A: Getting into any situation that would kill a normal person and/or B: Getting knocked out (sleeping or going unconscious for any sort of medical procedure both do not count, obviously). You cannot physically attack someone (stab, shoot, etc.) but you can contrive their “death” in any way you so choose (this rule is flexible if the “death” is funny enough). If you are “killed”, you join the Dead Team. The goal for the Alive Team is to stay that way and the goal for the Dead Team is to get more participants to join your team. The last member of the Alive Team wins the whole pot.

PARTICIPANTS (IN ORDER FROM LAST DEATH-FIRST)

Ren

Stress

Xisuma

Jevin

Scar

Cub

Evil X

Worm Man (aka Zed in disguise, because only a few people know he’s Worm Man, he felt this would give him an advantage over signing up as himself).

Impulse

Tango

Grian

Gem

False

Cleo

TFC

Keralis

Bdubs

Pearl

Joe

Mumbo

Doc

Iskall

DEATHS

Ren: Grian puts together a very weird and vaguely deadly series of challenges that he promises anyone who completes one $50. Most Hermits recognize that this is definitely a trap. Ren manages to win $50 from the first challenge, whatever the hell I translate Catch the Totem to. He then has to retrieve something from an (EMPTY OF CREATURES) tank at the Georgias’ aquarium (Grian bribed XB to be allowed to use it). Ren almost drowns in the process and while he does come up to the top before fully passing out, he immediately falls over the side and knocks himself entirely unconscious on the ground.

Stress: Stress also decides to play Grian’s game and manages to ace Exit the Aquarium, Void Jump, and Fly Through the Tube. Grian is beginning to realize he sank too much money into this (he’s going to sink more money into this). Stress ultimately knocks herself out playing Catch the Totem, but she’s coming away $150 richer so she wins in her heart.

Xisuma: Ren invites Xisuma to join him in a cross country style run. Xisuma is suspicious, but joins him anyway. During the course of the run, he gets more comfortable with the whole thing until he realizes Ren has led him to a very dangerous, very obvious cliff face. He attempts to backtrack and trips over a large rock. Xisuma then rolls all the way back down the way they came like a goddamn cartoon and is unconscious by the time he hits a tree and stops.

Jevin: Jevin gets distracted while out and about and gets hit by a bus.

Scar: Stress and Ren lure him to a definitely not suspicious “lake”. The moment he’s at the edge they tip him over into the water. Scar spends about two seconds saying “You fools! I may not be able to swim but I can absolutely tread water enough to get back on the shore!” He then gets bit/stung by whatever creatures they bribed XB and Beef to help them retrieve and put in the lake. He realizes that he is in fact the fool.

Cub: Tango, Scar, and Xisuma make a bet about whether Cub will “survive” falling off of Tango’s roof onto a trampoline placed a few stories below (ZITS has a nice house). Cub does survive the impact onto the trampoline, but is flung over the walls of it onto the concrete below. Whoops. Xisuma collects a whole $4 from Tango and Scar.

Evil X: Ex has been bragging about how long he’s survived since Xisuma died and Hels is fucking sick of his shit. After Cub’s death, Hels is officially sick enough to grovel to the Dead Team for help in killing him. Hels wants this to get personal, because he’s a weirdo, which leads to Cub somehow procuring some syringes of medical grade anesthetic (don’t worry about it) and giving them to Hels to use how he sees fit. Ex puts up a stink about this being against the rules but the “no PVP” rule, but said only extends to players, which Hels is not, and also this is undeniably really funny.

Worm Man: An attempt to Home Alone-style rig their house in a trap for Tango and Impulse backfires spectacularly. Skizz finds him entirely unconscious on the stairs and texts an image of the scene to Impulse and Tango with like four question marks. They immediately rat him out.

Impulse and Tango: Oh holy hell this one is complicated. Skizz and Zedaph are definitely not looped in by the Dead Team to lure Impulse and Tango out into the woods, what makes you say that? The entire Dead Team have set up a straight up manhunt here- none of them can actually attack Impulse or Tango on their own, but they can chase them into exactly the trap they want. I did not decide on what this trap was.

Grian: Cub and Tango setup four different traps to try and kill Grian. The traps fail in increasingly comical ways until, while Grian is monologuing to Tango about the obvious “plot armor” he has as the creator of the game, Cub sets up a pitching machine to bean him in the back of the head with a baseball at 100 MPH.

Gem: The Spearmint. I could explain the Spearmint, but I won’t, just read the linked wiki page, it’s better than anything I could ever say. Just know this involves Cleo leading Gem out into a random corn field near the Breath Mints’ stadium.

False: False is working on some electrical work in an elevator in The Legscraper. During the course of the work, she notices something in the wires placed by Cub with the intention of electrocuting her. She removes her hands before she’s electrocuted but the surge results in the elevator falling with her inside it.

Cleo: Bdubs and Keralis are convinced by Xisuma to give Cleo a tour through the abandoned warehouse the three of them are renovating. (The ten year siesta got really boring, hence why they all agreed to this) Cleo is lured to a conspicuous ledge that Xisuma manages to knock her off of.

TFC: Gem sets up a trap intended to send someone into a pit. Very basic. TFC falls for the trap, but the fall doesn’t actually knock him out. However, he decides the game has been going on too long and pretends that it was successful.

Keralis: Tango sets up a definitely not suspicious game in the middle of a field that definitely doesn’t have a very obvious explosive in the middle. Keralis and Mumbo both agree to play, but while Mumbo is trying to understand the rules, Keralis starts playing. He’s throwing the provided projectiles at the targets when Mumbo warns him about the poorly concealed explosive. Keralis hits the explosive anyways, detonating and “killing” himself immediately. Mumbo manages to scramble away.

Bdubs: Cleo plans to “kill” Bdubs with her knowledge of two things about him. A: He is very easily scared. B: If he is scared badly enough, he will straight up pass out. Cleo puts together a haunted house/story experience for him with one big culminating (and very immersive!) scare at the end (she loops Hels and Evil X into helping with this part). Bdubs does, in fact, pass out.

Pearl: This is the only one I never figured out, seeing as it was one of the three I needed to make up entirely from scratch, and it was the last one I needed to make up.

Joe: Joe walks out onto his fire escape one night only to find that someone (Cub) has loosened the screws. It falls out from under him and goes as expected.

Mumbo: Mumbo and Iskall are going on a little outing. Little shopping trip! They’re both alive and have a secret alliance so no reason to worry. Mumbo walks into the place Hypno owns (note to self decide wtf this is) and beaned over the head with a very heavy object that Keralis had balanced on the door. Success.

Doc: Grian (with Ren’s help, because Ren has the spare key to Doc’s place) rigs literally the entirety of Doc’s house, other than his bedroom, with some exposed wires and water in places where there shouldn’t be wires. Doc wakes up and blearily walks into the rest of his house, where he shortly “dies”. Cleanup is hell because they went so overboard and Doc is so pissed off.

Iskall: Iskall, the official winner, auctions off the chance to “kill” him. Impulse wins, but Grian gives Impulse $300 to let him help. The two of them get one of Scar’s theme park friends to let them utilize a ride in the off season to go fucking buckwild and create Ride Of Your Life.

And the whole introduction chapter, which I did actually post on AO3 before I realized there was no way I was writing all this.

The thing about the Grand Siesta is that no one particularly wants to be playing Blaseball. At the same time, that’s all anyone’s been doing for the past 10 years, and now that they’re not playing Blaseball for years at a time, no one really has a clue what to do. People have adapted, sure. Keralis, Xisuma, and Bdubs bought an abandoned warehouse to make into… something. Scar’s gotten really into theme parks- well, more into them than he already was. Beef got really into some sort of nightmare card game he created that half of them are now also really into. The Hermits make do. But that doesn’t mean they’re not bored. And Grian has never been someone who deals with boredom well. Hence, the text every Hermit receives about halfway through the Siesta. “Hello Hermits. I know we are all very bored without the sport we sold our souls to (mileage may vary with this statement), so I have a game idea for all of us. You are all intimately familiar with the fact that, by virtue of selling our souls to Blaseball, we cannot die, and in fact, recover from life threatening injuries shockingly quickly! This has been a source of significant existential dread for many years, but now, it is a source of a very fun game that I am calling “Demise”. How do I play Demise? Thank you for asking, imaginary Hermit on the other side of the screen! The rules are not that simple, but I think you’ll get it anyways. You’re smart. Anyone who wants to play gives your humble game master (me) (Grian) $50 to enter the game. Once the game begins, you join the Alive Team. Your goal on the Alive Team is to stay that way, and not find yourself in any situation where you have “Died” or been “Killed”. Being “Killed”, in this situation, is defined as A: Getting into any situation that would kill a normal person and/or B: Getting knocked out (sleeping or going unconscious for any sort of procedure does not count, obviously). Player vs Player combat (stabbing, strangling, etc.) is off the table, but you can contrive the “deaths” of other players in any way you so choose. If you are “killed”, you join the Dead Team. The goal for the Dead Team is to get more participants to join your team. The last member of the Alive Team wins the whole pot. If you would like to play, please get $50 to me somehow. You have one week before the game begins, and once the game has started, I will accept no new players. May the best survivor win.” This message receives varied responses from basically every Hermit there is, including such highlight as: “I’m not doing this, but have fun, you morons,” from XB. “If Etho is playing can we agree he has to stay with someone else for the duration? I’m not going into the Canadian wilderness to get him,” from Ren, followed immediately by Bdubs extending an offer for Etho to stay with him, followed again by Etho letting everyone know he will not be participating. “If Tango and Impulse are playing then I am not- they will use the fact that I live with them against me,” from Zedaph, a fact that Tango and Impulse do not dispute. “Grian, you’re an insane person. What’s your Venmo again?” from Iskall. And an assortment of variations on “sounds crazy, I’m in,” from most of them. Despite the many vocal statements of “this is probably a bad idea”, Grian manages to scrounge up 22 participants for Demise, including himself, and a prize pool of $1,100 for the winner. All in all, he considers it a success. Now, let the games begin.

i'm thinking about blaseball au hermits and i was struck with an extremely funny way that i can still do demise in this universe so here it is. basically i had a hc that blaseball players couldn't die outside of a game. if something happened to them that should have killed them, they'll heal their injuries ridiculously fast (like, broken bones healed by morning kind of speed) and not die, obviously. so with this in mind, demise happens with the slightly modified rule set of "dying" actually meaning "being given substantial enough injuries that they would have killed you were you not a blaseball player". otherwise it plays exactly as it did in hermitcraft (and also gem and pearl are there this time) because the hermits are insane people. all of their other teammates just. don't look at it and let them have fun.