#UPDATE: she now has THREE endings *cries*

[haylessa]

ED 60: Sissy Sky - Airi Miyakawa

[katelynnwrites]

Darling, You’re The One I Want (In Paper Rings, In Picture Frames, In All Dreams) | Sydney Lohmann

warnings: f for fluff!

word count: 2655

summary: syd's been asking you to marry her since you were both little, before she ever had a proper ring

a/n: had this idea three days ago and knew it had to written right away so here you go 🥰 (update: made a little moodboard too)

Sydney has been introducing you as her ‘almost wife’ for as long as you remember.

You have been together since you were both in kindergarten, with your best friend proposing to you with a gummy ring.

Her mother had packed a small bag of peach gummy rings into her lunch box and so it’s on the swings in the playground that Sydney proposes to you for the first time.

‘There! You are my almost wife now.’ She declares, sticking the melting gummy onto your finger after you say yes.

You giggle and pull the ring off, eating the gummy ring with a smile.

Syd laughs, eating one of her own gummies.

‘I’m gonna marry you when we grow up.’ She says seriously.

You look at the girl sitting on the swing next to you. She has scuffed knees, messy braids and is missing one of her front teeth but you are sure that you want the same thing.

As the gummy ring is so short lived, the German girl steps up her game. She brings a ring pop that she has persuaded her father to let her buy after kindergarten the day before.

The ring pop lasts longer but at the end of the day, it is still gone.

So Sydney gets you a new ring pop, in a variety of different flavours every day. She asks if you will marry her each time and your answer never wavers.

It is always yes and you eat a ring pop daily until your parents intervene, telling you that eating so much candy is bad for your teeth.

You relay this to the blonde with the saddest of looks, completely convinced that this is the end of your so-called marriage with her.

She is undeterred by the setback though, showing up with a knotted piece of string next.

That piece of string stayed around your ring finger on your left hand until it disintegrated, at which your best friend promptly found another.

And so it continued, going from a piece of string, to a ribbon through primary school, to a folded paper ring in secondary school.

Sydney and you spend more time together than ever now, going to school together and playing football together.

The blonde had got you into it, sometime early into primary school. She had eagerly wanted you to experience what she loved so much about the sport.

It was easy for you to fall in love with kicking a football around, just as it is easy to fall in love with your best friend who proposes to you every time she gives you a new ring.

At fifteen, she kissed you for the first time and it came so naturally that the both of you just knew.

Neither of you would ever have eyes for anyone else and the transition from friendship to something more is remarkably smooth.

With each new paper ring, comes a kiss and a proposal from Sydney.

‘Will you marry me?’ She asks, holding out the paper ring she’d folded during her math class.

The blonde had noticed that the one you have been wearing has gotten worn down, the paper it is made out of is getting kind of icky.

‘Yes I’ll marry you sonnenschein.’ You say with a giggle.

Sydney’s hazel eyes sparkle and she is practically glowing with happiness when she slides your old ring off and replaces it with the new one.

It is why you call her sonnenschein. She lights up your day, every single day.

******

When you tear the tendons and ligaments in your knee so badly that your doctors tell you that you will never play football again, Syd spends the entirety of the first night in the hospital with you.

She had been there when you had been injured, heard the way you cried out and felt her stomach drop.

That look on your face, she had known right away that it would be a devastating sort of injury.

Sydney’s had plenty of experience with injuries herself and even before the doctors get a chance to look at your knee, she is aware that this one is different.

In her heart, she hates how she knows that no matter how hard you try, you will never be able to come back from this.

The blonde sits in the awful, uncomfortable plastic chair by your hospital bed, holding your hand although you barely talk. You’re far too caught up in what is the end of your short lived football career.

You and Syd had a shared dream and the both of you were on the verge of switching from your local sports club to one with more promise.

This injury of yours, could not have come at a worse time.

Your mind is spinning because what are you to do now? You are sixteen and all you have thought about is playing football.

Sydney stays with you till the doctors come in, to take you into surgery.

Her parents and yours are there but she pays them no mind, finally letting go of your hand and kissing you gently.

‘I’ll be right there when you’re out of surgery.’ She promises.

The German girl keeps her word because when you come to, she’s sitting by your side.

‘Hi.’ She breathes.

‘Hey sonnenschein.’ You weakly say.

Your head feels fuzzy but at least your knee isn’t hurting anymore.

Sydney strokes your baby hairs back lightly.

‘I love you. I’m going to be here for you, every single step of the way. However long it takes and no matter how uncertain it gets. That’s what almost wives do.’

You cry and laugh at the same time.

The blonde has a habit of introducing you as her almost wife because she hadn’t known the proper word when she was a kid. Now she knows the word fiancée but still chooses to stick with almost wife.

Your best friend reaches for your hand, pressing comforting kiss after comforting kiss onto your cheeks and forehead until your tears slow.

Then she shows you a somewhat lopsided beaded ring in the palm of her free hand. The way it’s strung together tells you that Syd probably made it for you herself.

You’d lost the paper ring you had been wearing, sometime in between your injury and the ambulance ride to the hospital.

Sydney must have noticed and it causes your heart to swell with emotion for her.

‘Will you marry me? Whatever you decide to do after you get out of the hospital, I will love you.’ She murmurs.

‘Yes I’ll marry you. I love you too.’ You answer softly and the German girl slides the beaded ring onto your hand, being extra careful of the IV in it.

******

That beaded ring stays on through your recovery and through your decision to pursue sports therapy now that professional football is not in your cards.

Until ultimately, the blonde signs for Bayern Munich’s first team.

With that bit of money that she gets, she goes out and buys you an actual ring. It is a simple piece of costume jewellery but it means the world to you.

Sydney doesn’t really make a lot, she had moved out of her family home to be closer to the training grounds so she certainly does not have enough to buy you a proper ring, on top of paying her rent, utilities and keeping up her football.

You are both only seventeen and you are completely okay with the ring she’d given you, faithfully wearing it each and every day.

It discolours after a couple months and the plastic gem in it falls out after a year.

Still, you keep wearing it till the midfielder buys another ring, also costume jewellery but definitely one in better condition.

That one lasts you until she signs another contract for Bayern, one that gets her significantly higher pay.

It is still not enough to buy you a real wedding ring but Sydney diligently puts aside part of her salary each month.

The monthly savings are not a lot because she has decided to start online university studies and the fees cost her on top of her usual spendings but it is a start.

In the meantime, she loves you and you love her. Twenty is the age where everything starts to get serious, you with your studies and the German girl with her football.

She is working on sealing her place on the national team, having made her senior debut two years ago.

With an incredible amount of pride, you watch her play and happily give her a kiss at the end of all her games.

Syd’s injury prone and she likes to tease you, telling you that you need to focus on your studies so that you can help keep her match fit.

As it is, she often benefits from your massage and anatomy classes.

‘I’m helping you get better by being your learning model!’ She insists all the time.

You don’t mind. The blonde sometimes trails after you with pleading eyes when she wants a massage. It is cute really and you’re happy to oblige her.

When she has tough training sessions, she never has to ask. You know right away whenever she does so and Sydney is often exhausted enough to fall asleep during those massages.

Then you just sit with her head in your lap, running your fingers through her hair until she either wakes up or you fall asleep with her.

Being intimately familiar with the German girl’s body is something you will never take for granted.

As Syd continues to play for Bayern, you more or less move into her apartment.

There is no point travelling back and forth between your family home and your university if the blonde’s place is nearer. You spend almost all your free time with her anyway so it only makes sense that you stay with her and contribute fairly to her rent.

She protests against the second part, protests that you ignore but as for the first, Sydney loves it. She loves that she has you to come home to and loves that she gets to go to sleep and wake up beside you.

‘My almost wife is waiting for me back home.’ She always explains before rushing off the second she gets back from away games.

Your sonnenschein adores spoiling you with home cooked food too. It gives her joy to cook and even more to share it with you.

Two years go by fast and Sydney does so well with her football that eventually, she finishes runners up in the Euros.

Then the split prize money, combined with her savings is enough.

You’d travelled around England to support her and watch her live her dream. You being there, cheering her on each and every game, only seals it in Syd’s mind that this is what she wants.

She wants you. Forever.

The second she is back in Munich and free of commitments, she’s off to a jewellery store to pick out a proper ring for you.

It does not take her long, one of the rings on display standing out to her immediately. The Bayern Munich player had not just saved up for any ring. She had intended on choosing a specific piece, with you in mind.

She knows that’s the one.

On your bedside table, you keep a box with all the rings the hazel eyed woman has given you over the years.

Sydney didn’t even know you were keeping them until you moved in with her.

Seeing the bits of half disintegrated string, ribbon and paper, along with the wonky beaded ring, it had let her know that her proposals mean just as much to you as your answers mean to her.

So it is with confidence that she buys a packet of peach gummy rings on the way home, for old time’s sake.

You’re sitting on the kitchen counter and snacking on some biscuits when she gets back.

‘Hey sonnenschein!’ You greet excitedly.

‘Hello.’ Syd hums.

She pulls herself up onto the counter beside you and happily accepts the kiss that you give her.

‘Want some?’ You offer.

The midfielder smirks, ‘I have something better.’

She shows you the peach gummy rings and you giggle, ‘Just like when we were little?’

‘Just like when we were little.’ She confirms.

With the two of you sharing the gummies, the packet empties quickly.

Sydney takes the last one and holds it out to you, asking, ‘Will you marry me?’

You smile at her.

‘Of course I will Syd. I love you.’

The blonde sighs contentedly and you laugh, taking the gummy ring and beginning to put it on your finger only for her to stop you with a gentle, ‘You can eat it. I got you something that will last much longer.’

‘Yeah?’ You question curiously, expecting another one of her costume jewellery rings as you pop the peach gummy into your mouth.

‘Yes.’

Sydney hops off the counter and reaches into her back pocket.

To your complete surprise, she gets down on one knee and reveals the ring box in her palm.

‘Sonnenschein?’

Your voice is trembling and your heart flutters in all sorts of ways as she opens the box to reveal the most beautiful of rings.

‘I’ve asked you to marry me countless times, with gummies, ring pops, strings, ribbons and beads. You have said yes each time and now I’m asking you one last time after finally getting a proper ring. Will you marry me?’

Sydney’s hazel eyes, the ones you are so in love with are radiant. Her cheeks are blushing a bright pink and easily, you get off the counter.

‘I’ve been saying yes since we were children. My answer won’t change now.’

The midfielder grins, ‘It won’t?’

‘No it won’t.’ You whisper.

Pulling Syd up onto her feet, you kiss her with every ounce of emotion that you have for her.

The safety and comfort you’d felt with her from the very first moment you met, the shyness you had felt when she kissed you for the first time, the pride you feel whenever you watched her play and most of all, the overwhelming love that you feel for her. The love that has been growing since she proposed to you with a peach gummy ring, in the kindergarten playground.

Your sonnenschein gasps against your lips, her hands going to your waist as she steadies herself.

It’s a heated kiss, one that leaves the pair of you breathless.

With closed eyes, she leans her forehead against yours.

‘Say it. Please.’

Her words are barely audible but you hear it all the same.

It is with all the affection in the world that you murmur, ‘Yes. I will marry you Sydney.’

The blonde can’t help eagerly scattering kisses all over your face, punctuating them with the words, ‘I love you. I love you. I love you.’

You laugh and are truly honest when you tell her, ‘I have loved being your almost wife but I think I will love being your wife so much more.’

Syd tilts her head upwards, in a failed attempt to hold her tears back because they slide down her cheeks anyway.

Ignoring your own escaping tears, you delicately wipe hers away.

She soaks in the gesture and quietly but assuredly affirms, ‘I know I will love being your wife.’

Her hands find yours and she slides your old ring off the fourth finger of your left hand, replacing it with her new one.

‘Hopefully this one will last.’ She teases.

You let out a tearful giggle, pressing your lips onto hers once more.

She tastes like peach gummies and it isn’t a proper kiss by any means because the two of you are smiling way too hard but when you draw apart, your words have never been more sure.

‘It will.’

German Translation:

sonnenschein - sunshine

[anna-scribbles]

thirteen update 🎄⭐️🤕🩸

chapter 3: December

chapter summary:

“Has that been happening a lot?” Adrien asked quietly. “Your dad, getting sick like that?”

Felix’s eyes trailed slowly back over to him, face impassive.

“Yeah.”

“Me too. Well, with my maman, I mean.”

Felix’s eyes went wide, and he sat up quickly. He looked at Adrien, alarmed.

“Your mum?” He asked frantically. “Adrien, your mum’s been getting sick?”

excerpt:

It was snowing outside and Adrien couldn’t remember the English word for “exhausted.”

“Try again,” said his tutor, Mr. Ferrel, in bored English. Frown lines creased along his brow. “Tell me about your ambitions. Why don’t you tell me how you feel about your exciting modeling opportunities, Adrien?”

Big fluffy snowflakes kept getting stuck to the tall windows on the other side of his room, painting his periphery in white. He thought distantly of old winters when he was little, when he’d beg to go lay down in the snow and make angels.

“I have many ambitions,” Adrien began, trying to translate and conjugate the English verbs before they left his mouth. “I like to be a student because I like reading and learning new subjects. It is very interesting. Now, I spend many time modeling, so this is one of my ambitions too.”

His English lessons had doubled in length recently, ever since Adrien had made a fool of himself in last week’s Teen Vogue interview. When asked about school, he’d mentioned that he was studying two languages, and flubbed the bit of English he’d been prompted to demonstrate. Adrien didn’t mind the extra lessons so much—he really did like learning languages—but by the end of the three hours, his brain was always swimming in words.

“Much time modeling,” Mr. Ferrel corrected. “Or ‘a lot of.’ Not ‘many.’”

“Sorry,” Adrien responded. “I do much time modeling—”

“It’s ‘spend,’ not ‘do.’” Mr. Ferrel frowned. “‘Doing time,’ in English, makes it sound like you are in prison. I believe you are supposed to like modeling.”

“I like it.” Adrien’s cheeks burned. “I like spending a lot of time modeling—”

The door to his bedroom flew open, saving him from further embarrassment, and Adrien and Mr. Ferrel both turned their heads. Maman glided through the doorway like a glimmer of light. She was dressed casually, in simple black jeans and a thick white sweater, her golden hair braided loosely to the side. A bright smile lit up her face.

“Adrien, darling!” she cried. “Come downstairs, it’s time!”

read on ao3

[roosterforme]

Emergency Contact (Rooster x Reader)

Part of The What If Collection of blurbs for Roo and Baby Girl. My masterlist. Banner by @mak-32

Warnings: injuries while deployed, stitches, bandages, angst (deals with the events from Deployment Diaries Parts 18 and 19)

When Bradley asked you to be his emergency contact, you were overjoyed. This meant he was serious serious. He must have told his mom at some point that he was going to switch it, and she must have agreed that it was a good idea. You'd call Carole and Goose if anything happened. Of course you would. 

But that had always been a far off scenario in your mind. Something that was never actually likely to happen. You'd never expected the day to arrive where you had to be the one answering the horrific phone call.

"This is Admiral Priscilla Franklin. I have you listed as the emergency contact for Lieutenant Bradley Bradshaw."

"Oh," you gasped. Your hand came up to your forehead as you slowly sank down to sit on the kitchen floor in your yoga pants and sports bra.

"I'm afraid there's been an accident."

You felt yourself on the verge of hyperventilating. You were listening to Admiral Franklin, but her words weren't making sense. You'd barely been able to confirm your full name for her.

"Lieutenant Bradshaw was involved in a mission related incident. I can't provide you with much more information than that."

Your eyes were filled with tears as you choked out the words, "Is he okay?"

There was such a long pause. Part of you wished that Bradley had kept Carole as his emergency contact, because now you were going to have to be the one to soften the blow about an injury to her instead of the other way around. 

Unless it was worse than that. Admiral Franklin wasn't saying anything. What if it was worse than an injury? You were laying flat on the floor, your tongue too heavy and awkward in your mouth as you gagged. 

But you needed to know right now. "Is he okay?" you demanded louder, sucking air into your burning lungs."He's stable at the moment. We are waiting for him to regain consciousness. He has broken ribs, lacerations and most likely a grade three concussion."

He was alive.

As you got some scant details about what happened, you started sobbing. When you ended the call, you collected Tramp in your arms, and he licked your face all over. Someone would be contacting you the following day about collecting Bradley from the San Diego International Airport like he was a piece of lost luggage. 

You didn't want to call his parents. It was so late in Virginia, you would most certainly be waking them up. But when you looked at your lock screen, it was a photo of you and Bradley with Goose and Carole when you'd been in Virginia for Thanksgiving last year, and you just cried harder until you could barely see through the tears.

Once you managed to prop yourself up against the cabinets, you wiped your nose all over Bradley's soft UVA shirt and forced your fingers to work. Unlock the phone. Go to your contacts. Locate the Bradshaws' home number. Tap it. Your hand was still shaking when you heard Carole's voice loud and sharp after just two rings.

"Sweet Girl. Tell me what's wrong."

Your body was shaking with wretched sobs as you tried to get the words out. "He was in an accident. A bad ejection. He's unconscious but still alive."

You'd never seen Carole upset before. She always seemed to know what to do. And even now, while her voice shook slightly as she woke her husband up, she sounded so strong. 

You heard Goose's groggy voice, and you relayed all of the information you had. 

"We'll be out tomorrow," Carole said immediately.

"No," you replied softly. "I think you should wait until I know when he's coming home. Just in case he doesn't even come back to San Diego. The Admiral mentioned seeing a specialist."

There was a long pause on the other end of the call as you wiped your eyes on the sleeve of your boyfriend's shirt. "You'll keep us updated?" Goose asked. "And you'll tell us if you change your mind and want us to come out now so you're not alone?"

"Of course," you adamantly insisted. "I'll call as soon as I hear anything at all."

Then Carole's voice was back, and it was as reassuring as talking to your own mother. "The instant you tell us to get to San Diego or anywhere else, we'll be on our way. So you just give us the word, and we're coming, Sweet Girl."

----------------------------

You were barely given any notice at all. Six hours from now, you needed to pick Bradley up from the airport. Apparently he could walk on his own, which was the best news you could imagine hearing. You called Carole and gave her the update, and she purchased tickets for the first flight out the following morning while she was on the phone with you. 

But nothing prepared you for the mess you found when you finally laid eyes on him. "Oh, Roo. Oh, Bradley." You covered your mouth with your hands. He truly looked terrible. His face was swollen and bruised, and you could see stitches peeking out all over the place. His left arm was bandaged and resting in a sling. But he was smiling down at you as you wiped tears from your eyes, and he ran his right hand along your hair.

"Can I touch you?" you asked softly, and Bradley slipped his right hand around your waist, slowly pulling you closer until your body was gently touching his.

"Please touch me, Sweetheart. It's the only thing that will make me feel better."

You laughed through your tears as you let one hand rest gently on his chest. "You scared me," you whispered, throat tight with emotion. "Like a whole lot, Roo." You let your other hand trail up over his neck and swollen cheeks, avoiding the clusters of stitches when you could.

"I'm sorry, Sweetheart," he whispered back, kissing the tears on your cheeks.

It wasn't an easy task, but you got him home and cleaned up and into bed. He was having a hard time breathing, and the ninety-eight stitches on his left arm were almost enough to turn your stomach. His handsome face was creased with pain, even after you helped him take his medication. But every time he whispered your name or laced his fingers gently with yours, you couldn't help but smile. 

Very carefully, you climbed in bed next to him and pushed his hair back from his forehead before you kissed him. "Your parents will be out tomorrow. They can't wait to see you."

"Thanks for taking care of everything and letting them know what happened," he murmured, the pain medication finally kicking in and helping his big body relax. "You're the best. I love you." He was thankfully asleep before you could even return the sentiment. 

The next morning, he only woke long enough for you to change his bandages and give him a million kisses and feed him some toast in bed. You felt wrung out and overly emotional and exhausted by the time you heard Tramp run for the front door. It must be Goose and Carole since you told them to just let themselves inside when they arrived. But when you looked down at the old sweats and Bradley's undershirt you had been wearing, you felt your cheeks grow warm. 

You looked like a mess. Your bedroom, bathroom and kitchen were a mess. They were about to see how bad their son looked as he napped in bed, and on top of everything else, you looked terrible too right now. 

But before you could even fully register your embarrassment, Carole's petite form was standing in your bedroom doorway with Goose behind her, Tramp jumping up to try to get his attention. 

"Oh, Sweet Girl," she sighed, glancing at Bradley and then looking back at you. "You wonderful, sweet thing." She had tears in her eyes as she approached you. "Look how well he's doing. Oh, Goose, look how she's taking care of him."

You let Carole collect you in a hug, and you sagged against her, too tired to try to explain to her that you were tired and out of your element. Instead you just let her hold you as Goose kissed the top of your head and made his way to sit in the dining room chair that you'd carried in and set right next to Bradley's side of your bed. 

"Let Goose sit with him until he wakes up and needs you, okay?" she whispered. "And then the four of us can talk together."

"Okay," you agreed softly. Because while it was a privilege to be Bradley's emergency contact, it felt nice to not have to take care of everything alone now. 

Carole led you into the hallway. "Let's get you fed, and then I'll help you get yourself in the bath. And later on, Goose can walk Tramp while I make dinner. And then you can focus on Bradley like I know you want to, and he can focus on you. And we'll be here to take care of everything else."

"That sounds good."

[rouiyan]

𝘞𝘌’𝘙𝘌 𝘕𝘖𝘛 𝘙𝘌𝘈𝘓𝘓𝘠 𝘚𝘛𝘙𝘈𝘕𝘎𝘌𝘙𝘚 [ 𝘭.𝘮𝘬 ]

⧏ back to teaser || redirect to playlist ⧐

marks manages to land himself in a forty-two hour drive across the country with his archaeology major ex-girlfriend in the passenger seat. but for the duration of the whole ride, the only thing he can think about is that one twitter meme that states that “a majority of archeologists are women due to their natural ability to dig up the past.”

✧ photographer!mark lee x (fem.) archaeology major!reader ✧ exes to lovers, road trip au, referenced college au ✧ genres — fluff/angst, hurt/comfort ✧ word count — 25.2k

✧ disclaimers — profanity, mentions of food, legal (u.s.) alcohol consumption, they make out like once, emotional insecurity and vulnerability (i.e. several panic attacks, social anxiety), possible terminal illness (not of mcs), generational conflict, y/n cries a lot, mark sucks at parking

✧ caveat — this fictional plot is set in present-day america and does not accurately reflect the locations referenced. furthermore, this publication is not an endorsement of the brand or the product featured. all credit is given where it is due. (sources linked upon conclusion)

✧ author’s note — happy 24th birthday to my dear mark! note that the first scene is the exact same as the teaser, so if you've read that already, feel free to skip over! also note i half-assed the proofread so please let me know of any typos, plotholes, and other stupid stuff that i forgot to adjust. as for myself, you can catch a little update on the past two years of my life at the end of this fic so for now, enjoy!

「 DAY 00, 01:42 PM 」 — CUPID DABBLES IN BURNT TOAST

"oh, come on. i thought you were nicer than that!"

it's at times like these where mark is led to think that haechan only considers him as his very best friend for three things. his toaster, his car, and then of course, how easy it is to torment him.

he’s experienced enough to know that the guilt he feels is really only a direct result of haechan's guilt-tripping antics. and so he responds sarcastically, "yeah, nice enough to save a girl from a week of being in close proximity to the person she hates most in the world."

the toaster dings and haechan catches the two pieces of toast in their flight. he sticks one in his mouth, breaking off a bite, whilst turning to toss the other onto his friend's plate. chewing roughly, he leans back onto the counter opposite of mark, watching in contempt as the latter spreads jam across the burnt slice of bread.

haechan points a finger and juts it in his direction, offhandedly commenting, "i'm starting to think that it's you who hates her," a fact that both friends know isn't true. and because of that, mark doesn't make a big deal of denying it. "i don't hate her. i'm just..." he trails off and haechan takes the opportunity to craftily stage his intervention.

"not trying to make her uncomfortable?"

"yeah, i guess."

"not wanting her to hate you more?"

"there's that too."

"not over her?"

"hey, not cool."

a passage of silence elapses as mark sets the butter knife aside in exchange for his orange juice. gulping it down, he gets through two thirds of the glass before haechan perks up again. "actually, i think she still has a thing for you."

mark sputters, barely swallowing his drink before it could hurl out his disbelieving mouth. trying to smooth over his show of defiance, mark recovers a nonchalant expression as he deadpans, "there's no way. you know better than i do that she fucking hates me."

haechan takes another bite, aware but indifferent at how the crumbs have been gathering at his feet. his eyes trail absentmindedly to the clock on the wall behind mark, but only briefly for the hands are far past where he'd expected them to be. shoving the last of the toast into his mouth, he rushes to gather his belongings whilst uttering to his bewildered company, "shit, i'm gonna be late. pack it up."

obediently downing the rest of his orange juice, mark grabs his half-eaten, jam-slathered, burnt-to-a-crisp toast in one hand as the other reaches for his car keys on the way out. the unbearably hot sun of an early summer afternoon only hurries mark further along to his car, his wishes that he had worn shorts instead of jeans already too late to come true. but once both car doors have been shut and seat belts have been strapped, haechan carries on with his agenda without missing a beat.

"just give her the ride, mark. she'll keep you company and, i don't know, make sure you're not falling asleep at the wheel. and plus, she said she'll split the toll and gas fees."

mark shoves the last bite of toast into his mouth, the charred-ness of it procuring a nice crunch. even after he swallows, it takes him a second to respond. and though his answer is still far from budging, it sounds more like a justification, as if he needs convincing of his own opinion. "tell her it's cheaper to just catch a flight. and faster too."

exasperated, haechan retorts under his breath, "that's the same thing i told you," to which mark gives a raised brow, not catching what he said. instead of repeating, haechan only says, "just take her. you guys need to make up anyways."

that renders mark quiet for the rest of the ride as he tosses the thought over in his head. it's a thought that he knows he's been pushing away for far too long, hoping one day it'll become redundant enough to simply forget about. unknowingly, mark begins to speed a little, his turns become a little tighter, and when the traffic light signals red, the nose of his car is pulled daringly close to the car in front.

mark parallel parks shoddily in front of the archeology department building four minutes earlier than google maps had estimated. his best friend looks over at him expectantly and that in itself is enough to squeeze the reluctant words right out of him. "fine, i'll think about it."

haechan's face lights with a satisfied glow as he swings his backpack over his shoulder, making his way out of the car as quickly as he can. and just before mark can think to wish him good luck on his last exam of the spring semester, haechan blurts out the one crucial detail he had neglected to bring up until now. 

"thank god, because i already told her you said yes."

「 DAY 01, 07:48 AM 」 — ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD

the trunk of his beloved subaru crosstrek slams shut from behind. mark winces. the car door of the passenger seat slams shut shortly after. mark winces once again, but doesn't venture to comment on it. instead, he comments on something else entirely. "so why am i picking you up from the hospital?"

you roll your eyes, traces of hostility already to be found in your expression. "as if that's any of your business." you position the tote bag you brought up front by your feet and the contents inside clank against one another. mark gives you a questioning look, thus questioning, "what’s in there? rocks?"

instead of answering with what he would assume to be the same thing you said prior, you simply huff and lean back into the seat to fasten your seat belt. mark does the same, then hastens to shift the gears from park to drive. "you ready?"

lips set into a firm line, you're staring straight ahead when you say, "ready to get this over with." mark takes that as his cue to start the forty-two hour drive across the country, past barren lands and hilly roads, trading the smog of new york for the smog of los angeles.

the drive begins with a screeching hour of silence, all of which you’ve spent scrolling on your phone. and when you finally look up from your screen, the city view outside has already mellowed into sprawling countryside. mark takes this new development as a window of opportunity to spark up conversation, although you beat him to it nonetheless. “how many stops are we taking?”

he clears his throat for fear of a cracking voice and gathers his scattered thoughts to form a response. “about two or three times a day.”

“and how many days are we gonna be on the road?”

“three to four. i’m thinking we should take a few overnight stops as well. and also,” there’s a break in his sentence where he stops to scrunch his nose, “i might want to stop at random points to shoot some pictures. is that fine with you?”

you take your eyes off the road momentarily to get a good look at mark. he has a hand on the wheel and the other propped up by the window adjacent, eyes held forward all the while. looking back ahead yourself, you give in with a slight hitch of indignation in your otherwise colorless voice. “sure, why not.”

mark refers back to a time where the silent air between the two of you would sit comfortably and thinks of how he might have brought about conversation back then. he tries, as he might, to do the same with this scenario, catching the moment before the prolonged silence warrants it too late. “so what’s your business in LA?”

surprisingly, he spots less bite in your tone the more you speak. “my sister asked me to be maid of honor at her wedding next week.” mark’s automatic response comes out first as a laconic, “oh nice” but he follows up quickly after with an inquiring, “is it...is it still jaehyun? or is that a thing of the past?”

“it’s still him. they’ve been engaged for a while, remember?”

mark nods in agreement. he even remembers that exact phone call you received from your sister on the day your freshman year finals ended. sat across the couch, he can even recall the way you tried to motion the whole conversation with your hands to him while on the phone with her, your excitement on full display when you later hugged him tight since he was the only other person in the room.

he bites down on his bottom lip at the thought of the memory that’s still fresh in his mind. time seemed to pass more quickly for him now that it wasn’t divided into semesters and school years. taking a glance over at you, mark can’t help but think that while college life turned out to be unsuitable for him, it had done wonders for you in just the past year.

with little to no trace of the temper you initially harbored, your voice is about as neutral as it gets when you take your turn in questioning him. “what about you? what are you doing in LA?”

his answer is simple, really. his plan originally focused more on capturing the sights along the way to LA rather than the city itself. but seeing as how you’d expressed wanting to make the trip as curt and necessary as possible, he acquiesced for the lesser truth. “i’m just planning on taking some pictures and meeting some friends there. it’s a change of scenery too, i guess.”

the prospect of conversation eased in difficulty the more it steered in the direction of friendly small talk and catching up with one another. his career and his career-related decisions were always somewhat of a prickly topic, after all. his parents scorned him for it, calling it “easy money” that would just as easily come and go. his friends always said he just got lucky in the industry. and his old professors had shook their heads when he told them about his plans to drop out. 

to mark, you were the only one who had ever cared to really understand his relationship with the passion that was now his life’s work. and because of that, his answer comes most naturally when you ask him, “what’s still keeping you in new york, though? i mean, you’re not there for school anymore and you’re not exactly a street photographer either.”

and without a thought to spare, mark blurts out, “you.”

what a perfect way to kill a perfectly fine conversation, he thinks in the midst of the grand silence that follows. red creeps its way up from his next to his ears until he’s flushed clean with embarrassment and terrible terrible regret, the only consolation being that your eyes seemed to be glued up ahead and not at him.

although it seems you’ve since dropped the conversation — seeing as how you’ve checked your phone five times in the last five minutes — you still make it your job to clear the air for any future attempts at conversing. after all, you’re going to be stuck with him for the entirety of the next three days. and that’s at the very least.

“mark, i don’t even want to know what you meant by that, but can we just keep our distance as…” you pause when you realize there really isn’t an appropriate label to describe your relationship with him. what do you call someone that you know really well, but aren’t on talking terms with, and have a long history of romantic instances with?

at the three-second mark in your hesitation, he lends a hopeful suggestion, “as friends?” and it’s another three unsure seconds spent on your end — unease on his — until you finally give in with a sigh and a small, albeit resolute nod. “as friends.”

he’s going at almost a hundred miles per hour on the empty road when you noticeably look over at him in time to catch the quirk of his lips, before he reassesses with a nod of his own in confirmation. with the first of (what you’re sure will be) many awkward exchanges passed, you reach a hand into the backseat to draw forth a thin blanket. “alright, i’m going to continue sleeping then.”

“mhmm,” he hums, watching in the corner of his eye as you lower the seat back. the position you assume, curling into the blanket, is as familiar as it gets and mark is reminded of countless road trip memories that he has never bothered to unearth. he sighs. “go ahead, we got all the time in the world.”

and after making sure you’ve fallen fast asleep with your slowed breathing and occasional snores, mark slows the car to a cruising 70 miles per hour.

「 DAY 01, 10:33 AM 」 — MORE THAN I THOUGHT

“keep right to stay on the i-81 south.” you slit an eye open, wide enough to see that the road ahead is blanketed in a gleaming white. the sun must’ve parted from the clouds. you close your eye in an attempt to fall back asleep. but just before you do, the automated voice from mark’s phone perks up again. “keep right to stay on the i-81 south.”

annoyed and disgruntled, you shrug the blanket off of you and, this time, crack both eyes open. sitting up in your reclined seat, you rub at your eyes and realize two things. one, the car is no longer moving. and two, you’re in the car alone. suddenly alert, you jab your finger into the ‘cancel’ button on his phone just as it continues its mantra of “keep right to sta—” and grab your own phone as you make your way out of the car.

the car itself is parked haphazardly in front of what is labelled to be a colon and rectal surgery building, with half the whole vehicle outside of the designated lines. but just as you begin to question mark’s motives, you turn to see a vast expanse of water on the opposite side. there’s small islands and clumps of trees jutting out and just across you can see a rise of buildings in the distance. 

approaching the road that separates you and the riverbank, you bring a hand to shield your eyes from the light of the sun which you have yet to adjust to. and sure enough, through the blinding haze you make out a figure on the other side of the road, unruly black hair scuffed by the wind with a giant camera held at his hip. his other hand is held in the same shielding stance as you, and even his posture alone is enough to tell you that it’s mark.

both hands now cupping your mouth, you yell out a resounding, “mark!” just as a truck whizzes by but when the body of it passes, the man is revealed to be looking back at you with a silly smile plastered across his face. he holds the heavy film camera with both hands now, as he rushes up the slight grassy incline and jaywalks casually across the street.

you’re about to scold him for not even looking out for any incoming cars but up close, he only grins harder. mark is less than five feet away when he thinks to enlighten you, his beaming smile quickly growing sheepish, “google maps told me to keep right but i stayed on the right for so long, i ended up exiting the highway altogether.” his free arm gestures outwards in exclamation while he beams, “but look where we ended up!”

the sincerity of his bright eyes and bright smile puts a dampener on the tension, so much so that you even venture to joke, “the upmc pinnacle colon and rectal surgery center?” whilst pointing back to the sign. “you’ve no idea how confused i was when i woke up.”

“sorry about that. we’re in harrisburg now. so i’m guessing this is the susquehanna river.”

you shoot him a surprised look, “nice. almost halfway through pennsylvania.”

he ducks his head, a small smile adorning his nod in agreement, “yeah almost.” mark likes this new development of mood you seem to be in. chipper? not exactly. but much more pleasant than before? absolutely. he knows from personal experience that it’s the sleep. good sleep and good food do that to you. and thus he suggests, “should we get a quick brunch before getting back on the road?”

your eyes ignite a glow — rival to his — at the sound of brunch, though you have enough patience to consider, “did you get all the pictures you wanted already?”

mark nods once again, even though he isn’t even through a fourth of his first roll of film. he figures he’ll have plenty more opportunities to use it up down the line. plus, he likes the little smile on your face way too much to be the one to deny you what you want. and so he rushes to get his equipment back in their travel straps and he clambers back into the driver’s seat, all to careen his way about four blocks down to the mcdonald’s (but only after you’d shaken your head whilst he was pulling up at the wendy’s).

he orders drive through and you’re pleasantly surprised when he turns to ask, “same as usual?” and though you’re sure your usual order has changed at least once or twice in just the last year, you nod anyways. mark pays at the till and you’re handed a sausage burrito with large fries. as you’d supposed, it’s not your most up-to-date order but at this point, almost anything will get your mouth watering.

at your first bite, you sneak a glance over at mark. his head is bowed over the egg mcmuffin in his lap, hands clasped lightly together as he says grace. looking away, you give an unprompted chuckle under your breath in remembrance of his faith, new memories ringing up old habits in the back of your mind.

the next time you place a glance towards him, there’s crumbs littering the lap of his jeans and sauce smothered around the curves of his mouth. and when he looks over at you, an eyebrow raised in question at the sudden onset of attention you’re giving, you pay little mind to the fact that you have to stifle yet another chuckle in exchange for simply tossing a napkin his way. 

sitting here in the passenger seat of his car, you can’t help but think that there must be something inherently wrong about spending time with an ex. especially when the two of you parted on terms that seemed somewhat insignificant, though only at the surface of things.

for the most part, mark was a good boyfriend. and the mark that sat to your left doesn’t seem any different than the mark you knew back then. maybe he got around to shaving his stubble a little closer and cleaning up his car a bit more often, but he wears the same carhartt jeans, eats as clumsily as he always had, and still drives his car as if he had extra lives to spare.

from his nose scrunches to his dutiful faith, the mark you’re sat next to now is undeniably the same mark you fell in love with what seems like ages ago.

and as he backs out of the parking space, almost reversing straight into the car opposite, you catch the uttered “shit” that falls so casually from his lips. the same lips that you could never get enough of against yours. the song that’s blaring from the speakers is a favorite of his, you know that best, and it has him humming lightly with the same voice that once serenaded you to sleep. his fingers drum incessantly on the steering wheel as he waits for a red light to turn green, the same fingers that once struggled, but succeeded against all odds, in learning how to braid your hair.

you swallow thickly and think of how unfair this has come to be. it feels impossible to have to sit with the fact that you revoked his license as your boyfriend, but now have to regard him as just a friend. it’s the same as holding someone you once held close at arm’s distance. and it’s like trying to purposefully forget the name of your favorite show, or your beloved dog, or even your own name. 

all of a sudden, you feel like you’ve been caught in a fervid windstorm so strong that it threatens to uproot whatever reasonings had kept you grounded, amplifying whatever feelings lingered in his wake. except, the only thing you have left to hold onto is the realization that although the mark in the driver’s seat is the same mark you fell in love with way back when, he’s also the same mark that broke your heart without even a single word said.

「 DAY 02, 01:17 AM 」 — MARK LEE SMOKING?? (100% CLICKBAIT)

a bout of carsickness hits you at seven in the evening, right after sitting in at a roadside diner that served mashed potatoes that were suspiciously tinted green. but even after he pulled over so you could throw up on the side of the road, you’d implored mark to keep on driving until the two of you were at least at the outskirts of illinois. and that had happened on three separate occasions.

reluctantly, he’d kept his promise and poorly parked his car in front of relax inn, the closest and cheapest place that google maps could turn up. located in marshall, illinois with a striking two-star rating, it had everything you needed: free parking, shitty wifi, and even complimentary breakfast. or, it had everything you needed except two separate and unoccupied rooms.

you had been surprised, at first, when the man at the front counter had only charged mark $58. but that was after he had conveniently left out that the amazing deal was actually for only one room, not two. sighing, you drop your bag to the ground in resignation at the sight of the single queen-sized bed. despite the stiff sheets and musty smell, it still stands to look inviting after ten hours, give or take, of almost nonstop driving.

with only two stops taken for restroom breaks or gas fill-ups, you figure that either one of you has reason enough to claim the bed. there is a thought of mentioning how the two of you had slept side by side with no sexual implications many times before but it’s fleeting, dismissed, and gone within seconds.

instead, you begin drafting your argument, pulling out the persuasive points of your monologue about why you were more deserving of the bed. sure, he’d driven the car the whole while, his eyes must be strained and his ability to concentrate and energy have probably been rendered null. you, on the other hand, could pull the motion sickness, weak composition, nauseated passenger princess card. yeah, surely that’d do the trick.

your opening lines are right at the tip of your tongue, ready to win over a hefty opponent, when you turn to see that mark has already situated his belongings on the ground by the couch. wary of how you’d been standing there for a good two minutes completely unmoved, he looks your way and very plainly comments, “you take the bed. i’m fine with the couch.”

and suddenly you feel very supremely guilty for having even thought of going into a full-blown verbal altercation for a slightly more comfortable place to rest. you now think about thus commencing a full-blown verbal altercation over the slightly less comfortable place to rest, if not to ease your guilty conscience, then just out of politeness. but you digress because after all, mark is way too nice and you’re way too in need of a good night’s sleep. even if it’s just slightly better.

laying in bed, scrolling on your phone, you recall that this is how it’s always been with mark. that at one point, you became too tired of always trying to be the nicer person out of politeness when mark had the kind of genuineness you’d find in about one of a million persons. sometimes, a simple exchange of things like who should get the bed could blow itself out of proportion without either of you meaning for it to have gone that far. you came to the conclusion long ago that fights about who was the nicer person weren’t necessarily fights on character, but rather just fights like any other. and choosing to let mark carry through with his niceness — accepting the last french fry, taking his jacket when it was chilly, and now letting him have the couch — didn’t mean you were inconsiderate. in a way, it was a compromise of its own to allow him the opportunity to be of service to you.

you think of showering the following morning for it seems unlikely that you’d depart the comfort and looming sleep the bed provides. squirming around, you tuck yourself under the blankets but before you could fully relinquish your body to the confines of sleep, a soft rustling by the edge of the bed coaxes your eyes to open a sliver.

mark’s squatting so that you’re right at eye level with him. his hair is mussed more than the wind had done and wet at the tips, sticking up in several places that seem to defy the laws of gravity. with an elbow set on the bed, he peers at you over the screen of his phone, eyes wide and set in the frame of his black-rimmed glasses. he doesn’t whisper though his voice comes out so low, you wouldn’t be able to tell much of a difference anyways. “sorry, i know you’re tryna sleep. just wanted to ask when you’d want to wake up tomorrow.”

repositioning to face him, you smush the side of your cheek into the pillow and the unease in mark’s face ebbs away. half alseep and a good amount dehydrated, your throat is scratchy when you pass it back to him, “what do you think?”

mark scratches the back of his neck with his free hand, “i, uh well… maybe six...?” and he traces your eyes as they find the clock on the nightstand. it reads 2:02 AM and he seems to share the same thought as you. “...thirty? six-thirty?”

you close your eyes, already losing your grasp on what he just said as you mumble out the last of your thoughts, “okay, we’ll grab breakfast downstairs and leave at seven?”

whatever he responds with goes in one ear and out the other. and it isn’t until he wakes you up, bright and early at 6:20 AM, that you remember the conversation even happened. in reality, you roll around in bed, trying to find another sweet spot that will lull you back into sleep, for about ten whole minutes. by the time you’ve given up, gotten out of bed, and begun collecting your garments for the shower, it’s 6:30 on the dot. it doesn’t even register in your mind that mark had accounted for your scheduled morning bout of grogginess until you’re out of the shower with a clearer head.

you sit across from him at breakfast and he passes the black pepper when you spoon your scrambled eggs. he offers to go refill your orange juice at one point and at another he apologizes adamantly for accidentally nudging your foot under the table. it’s only after he takes your empty plate with his back to the clean-up counter that you really bother to take a good look at him.

he must’ve skipped his morning shave, for his stubble is visible though not much more than a mere shadow. there’s a silver chain at his neck, one with a dangling cross pendant, and it sits prettily atop his plain black pocket tee. mark leads the way towards the front desk to check out. you notice the way he swirls the both the room key and car key around his fingers, his straight posture when he walks depite the heavy backpack mounted on him, and even the worn-in outline of his wallet from the rear pocket of his jeans.

and when he mistakens the pristinely cleaned glass door for a wide opening, resulting in a blooming red splotch on his forehead, you take the time to consider his big endearing head, and his big boyish eyes, and his big sloppy smile. you laugh along with him, but perhaps for more of a different reason. mark may have a big head, but at least it’s filled with good and godly things. 

seconds later in the parking lot and you think to rescind those same regards. mark may be nice but there’s no way you’ll be the one to compromise on this one.

you’re fully in the seat and ready to get the car going, except mark is standing right where the door should be closing with his arms crossed and a foot hiked up on the frame of the car. his stance is a plain show of defiance, as are his firmly-stated comments. “i’m not letting you drive. you were vomiting everywhere just last night.”

“give me the keys, i need my redemption arc to happen right now.”

mark only tilts his head in disapproval, eyes boasting a look that emanates something along the lines of ‘are you kidding me?’ you press your lips thin in consideration, realizing that this has turned out to be harder than you’d bargained for. eyeing the keys hanging loosely from his left hand, you decide that your efforts were going to amount to nothing if not by way of force.

when you lunge for the keys, mark takes that you’re attacking him or something of the sort, throwing his hands out in front to block. in the three seconds the debacle had taken to unfold, the sharp end of the car key had scraped the length of your inner arm, nicking your skin clean apart. much to your chagrin and his relief, you end up in the passenger seat anyways.

mark wipes diligently at the long cut with an alcohol pad, whilst you use your unpunctured arm to search for where he’d claimed the first aid kit with the bandaids would be. you look away from the glove box to find his unimpressed disposition, and you hold the gaze until he meets it. but he only meets it for a split second before ducking his head back down to the red-stained alcohol pad, muttering low but loud enough for you to catch. “god you’re a mess, y/n.”

you return your attention to your search for bandaids, eyes rolling far into the back of your head. “i already admitted defeat. do you have to rub it in?” to which he responds with but a fleeting laugh. and by the time he can come up with a, “there we go, all clean,” you’ve conjured four bandaids for him to top it all off.

as mark busies himself with finding the most appropriate arrangement that would cover the length of the cut, you shove the first aid kit back to where you’d retrieved it in the far corner of the glove box. it’s then that the streak of red that was presumably tucked behind it catches your eye.

by the time mark returns from discarding the wipes and bandage packaging, it’s already too late for him to stop what’s to come. the red box — at first glance, what looks to be a sizable pack of cigarettes — had already found its way into your unsuspecting hands.

「 DAY 02, 07:09 AM 」 — BROCKHAMPTON SATURATION II, TRACK #16

when haechan first introduced his sophomore photography major best friend to you back in freshman year of college, he had described him as the guy with no emotional depth. and you had shaken his outstretched hand anyways, awkwardly laughing along even though you had no idea that it was an inside joke between the two of them.

you laughed again on christmas day, same year, same joke. however, you still had yet to figure out what it meant when haechan had gifted your new boyfriend the card game, cased in a brilliant red box. he had said something along the lines of “maybe this’ll get him to dig deeper” and your group of friends, most of whom had known mark since high school, seemed to find it funny and fitting.

the game itself, you knew; it was a popular drinking game among your college friends. you had played it several times yourself at more intimate gatherings, the reflective conversational prompts amounting to several instances of sob fests, tissue shortages, and long hugs. it was good for heartfelt conversations, and apparently mark wasn’t one for feelings. put two and two together and that made enough sense for you to laugh along and move on without much thought.

but well over two, almost three, years later, you wonder why it’d been shoved into the back of his glove box, the plastic wrap still intact and pristine. it’s as if mark had quite literally buried his feelings into the depths of this car, subsequently forgotten and later dug up by his girlfriend turned ex. life’s a funny thing, because only now as his ex-girlfriend do you understand what the gag gift meant in the first place.

looking out upon the barren gas station, you feel restless standing in the face of ten — bordering eleven — hours of driving beside mark of all people. but when he slips into the seat beside you, freshly washed hands wiping themselves down the length of his jeans, you begin to think of a better, or at least more interesting, way to pass the time. holding the box of cards out for him to see, your bouncing leg finally comes to a still as you suggest, “wanna play?”

mark regards the box with a joking manner, and while his casual, “yeah, why not” might prove his act of nonchalance convincing, you like to think you know him better than to look past the way his eyes had lingered, or the hesitance set in his brows, or even the readjusting of his position. he starts up the engine and moves the gear out of park as you fumble with the plastic wrapping. a small tear later and you’re peeling back the packaging, throwing small glances at mark’s way whilst he throws unsure glances at the box of cards.

two minutes back on the i-70 west, you’ve shuffled the cards until your fingers began to feel sliced through, and only then did you deem it time to begin. fanning the deck out to your left, you gesture for mark to select his first pick. he shakes his head and wordlessly gestures back at you to make the first move, a lick of his lips giving his uncertainty away.

shoving the rest of the deck into one of the cup holders on the middle console, you read along as your other hand sets forth in finding your phone. “wildcard. press shuffle on your music library. explain the first song that comes up!”

phone in hand, you look over at mark inquiringly, “me or you?” and if you had to guess his next words, there’d be no doubt that it’d be a stiff and uttered, “you.” almost taking glee in his squirmishness, you pull up spotify on your phone and click into your mess of a “liked songs” playlist. mark passes you the carplay cord and you plug it in, pressing the shuffle button apprehensively after the beep indicates it’s been connected.

heavy piano chords pan out from the speakers and a smile is slow to spread across your face as you come to a realization of what song it is. for better or for worse, mark seems to know as well, retracting his gaze from the road for less than a second to meet your eyes. there’s a sort of ‘ahh’ in them, an understanding, an underlying fondness.

in the heat of the summer…

“do i really have to explain?”

you know that you should be my boy.

“give it a go at least.”

in the heat of the summer…

“well…”

you’re so different from the rest.

you find yourself at a loss for words. amongst many other things that arise in this moment, your train of thought does its best to rationalize. why was this song still in the playlist? simple, you forgot to take it out. it’s only normal that things get buried with time. why can’t you just say that to him, then? simple, because then it’d be so easy for him to brush it off as a lame excuse, a cover-up, as to how plainly you still held onto your relationship. what the fuck are you feeling? panic. doubt. frustration. longing.

panic at the thought that he would read into it too much. doubt at the thought that there were other reasons for why you’d let this song gather dust in your playlist. frustration at the thought that there was only you to blame for this situation that you’d gotten yourself into. and longing. longing that had sat untouched for the same amount of time you’d decided to shove your feelings away instead of confronting them. longing that had since settled into your flesh and bones, going unnoticed. longing that, at the first chords of this song, had you casting your eyes downwards from the road ahead.

hastily, you grab for your water bottle, taking steady but large gulps. suddenly, your throat had become too dry. swallowing thickly, you wonder why the lump in your throat refuses to fall back. your breathing becomes noticeably haggard while the thing lodged in your throat remains. at the slightest indication of mark’s head turning your way, you snap your own in the direction of the window to avoid his questioning gaze.

biting down on your lip, your eyes fall closed even with the sprawling hills unfurling just outside. the sun is climbing to its height, as is your sudden onslaught of emotions that drowns out all noise except the sound of mark humming along to the song. you are numb, you are deaf, you are void of everything except his voice.

“do you remember?”

reverberating through you, it’s all you are able to feel.

“do you remember last summer at the lake?”

mind emptied, it’s all you know.

“it’s one of my favorite days, i’ll have you know.”

body capsized, it floods you. and it fills you to the brim until you can’t take it anymore.

“isn’t it funny that all my favorite days have been spent with you?”

and when it overflows, it comes in the form of tears.

your vision blurs and the wetness on your cheeks is quickly pulled into a pool at the edge of the seat. closing your eyes is a daunting task, even then, because you know just what you’ll see. you make the mistake of trying to blink away the tears, making them fall far faster than they had before. but for what it’s worth, it had been a favorite day of yours as well, albeit bittersweet.

the water was emerald green and the grass was knee-high. the sun rested overhead for almost fourteen hours a day and you had a tan comparable to that of a professional-grade spray. the wind was light though unrelenting, apparent in the way the clothes strewn across the clothesline were at the cusp of being carried away. everything under the sun was warm to the touch. the rocks, the grass, the water, his skin.

you snap your eyes open and only then do you notice that the car has come to a stop, pulled over to the side of the road. your hand is pressing into your forehead and the tears are still running free when you care to peer over in mark’s direction. both hands resting on the wheel, his eyes emanate in concern, lips pulled tight as if an apology was attempting to push past from within. it’s hard to pinpoint your finger directly to it, but there’s something about his expression that ticks you off so greatly that you regard him for less than a second before slipping out of the car.

the first inhale of fresh air makes the stuffiness inside the car feel like you had been breathing in water. the wind, just as it had been that day, is light though unrelenting, and it dries clean the tears in your eyes. your body sags and you give your weight into the side rails of the road, sitting against it and heaving thorough breaths to bring you some peace of mind. if you stared at your surroundings for long enough, the short grasses growing beside the road would grow long and the valleys in between the hills would carve out an emerald lake. the warmth would find its way back to you, but it’s far from pleasant and rather close to burning, scorching even. you fist and unfist your hands, recoiling from even the thought of it.

instead, you focus on the way the roughened wood of the rail nips at your skin through the thin spandex of your shorts. when you shift your position, the metal that accompanies it is hot to the touch and the uneven pavement beneath you is riddled with its fair share of pebbles and wood chips alike. taking your time, you come to pay more mind to your breathing, allowing the intakes to fill up your belly rather than your chest. the sky is a clear blue, the single cloud is pear-shaped, you can count up to seven peaks in the hills, and there are four dirt patches within your line of vision. it’s these little things that ground you.

seven minutes past. you hear a car door open you but you never hear it close. footsteps stop maybe three feet from your left but they never step any closer. he says, “whenever you’re ready,” but he never says anything more. 

and perhaps that’s what hurts the most.

「 DAY 02, 01:56 PM 」 — LITTLE CRAZY LOVE SONG, MARY OLIVER 2014

“what’d you say?”

“nothing much, really—”

“well, you obviously said something if she’s voluntarily passed out for the last six hours.”

static crinkles on the other end and mark looks around at the endless stretch of trees surrounding the lone gas station. the signal is clearly not having its best moment here in the thick of the forest, but he rejoins anyways. 

“i brought up last summer…” he trails off, hoping that just the season would provide enough context to tell of the situation without him explicitly having to name it as terrible, godawful, and no good whatsover. to be frank, mark wasn’t expecting understanding and empathy when he dialed haechan’s number. hell, he wasn’t even expecting to receive encouragement and good faith. perhaps all he wanted was recognition for the bad deed he’d committed and someone for him to bicker out his frustration with. and surely, haechan delivers just that.

“mark, you whole-hearted idiot. wh—”

“okay but in my defense, i thought we were having a momen—”

“i think only you were having a mo—”

“it just slipped out, i swear it wasn’t on purpo—”

“how the fuck did you think she’d react to your sappy bullshi—”

“—but it’s all cool now.”

the other end goes flat after mark’s statement and he thinks it’s owed to the faulty service, until haechan sputters in disbelief, breaking the quiet at an ear-splitting decible, “cool? you call that cool?!” mark furrows his brow at his friend’s overuse of emphasis whilst he busies himself with retrieving his credit card one-handedly. he knows that somewhere along the line, he fucked up. and he thinks he knows exactly where but at the same time, mark isn’t quite in the headspace to own up to it. so he retaliates.

“it’s like you set me up for failure.”

haechan justifies, “hey, it’s not like i did anything wrong. a friend needed a ride and i found someone who could give her just that.” but mark can hear the sarcasm in his voice and he decides he would rather confront his friend than question his ex. “i highly doubt she’d be down for a forty-two hour drive over a six-hour flight. what the fuck did you even say to convince her?”

the younger doesn’t waver when put in the spotlight. in fact, he gives it away as if it’s all just a fun prank on his end. and that’s not to say that isn’t at least partially the truth.

“i told her you already agreed to take her, same thing i said to you.” 

smart as ever, he hangs up before mark’s initial surprise gets translated into brute annoyance. the silence after the disconnect tone hits him almost immediately and thus, he finds himself standing in the middle of an empty gas station, in the middle of the eerily quiet city of winona, missouri, which is sat at the edge of a brimming forest where nothing but trees run on for miles and miles on end. there’s a town & county supermarket in the same plaza and a rundown dollar general down the street he’d passed to get here. 

it suddenly feels as if he’s the only person alive in this whole wide world, trapped inside his four-walled mind with no one to talk to except his regretful self. more than confronting his friends or even you, mark has known for a long time that he feels the most social anxiety whenever he’s left to confront himself. he tries to shake the thought, pocketing his wallet as he makes a beeline for the supermarket across the desolate parking lot. it’s far on foot and with each step, he descends down into the depths of despair, digging up all the times he must’ve made you uncomfortable with just his presence. for once, he doesn’t think it’s such a wonderful thing to be alone in the world with the person he loves most.

seven hours of almost straight driving is bound to make a person go at least a little insane, as mark wonders if he even remembers the last time he saw anyone other than you. he grabs a bag of popcorn, a charcuterie box, and a gallon of water at the supermarket and only at the cash register, manned by a live and tangible human, is he freed from the confines of his tortured mind. 

gas filled to the max and provisions restocked, he’s once again met with the struggle of having to close the car door as quietly and undistrubingly as humanly possible. you’re still very much asleep and the last thing he wants is to jolt you awake when your latest memory of him is how he’d insensitively instigated a panic attack at barely seven in the morning, albeit unintentionally.

after he closes the door with exemplary caution and barely a thud, mark lowers his guard with a sigh in relief in tow. though in this fleeting moment of mindlessness, the very next moment he’s dropped his keys on the center console. wincing, he watches as the clattering elicits a stir on your end, fluttering eyelids, and then — to his utter horror and dismay — you wake up.

mark plays it cool, or so he thinks, by letting out a low “oh shit” to make sure you know of his accidental mistake. rubbing your eyes, the first glance you place his way isn’t strictly a glare, but it might as well be with how you barely acknowledge his stilled presence. mark waits until you’ve had a couple sips of water in your system and a full routine of arm stretches before speaking up carefully. “how’d you sleep?”

you look his way and tiredly blink a few times before saying, “fine.”

back at square one, he thinks. mark hands you the bag of popcorn and charcuterie box and reaches over to drop the giant water jug into the back seats. you eye the bag and the box confusedly, then the blanket draped across your knees that you’re sure wasn’t there when you fell asleep, and then finally your surroundings.

“what time is it?”

“about 2:20.”

“where are we?”

“missouri. just outside the mark twain national forest.”

you eye the landscape beyond the windows where you’re met with the parking lot, a few commercial structures, and a shitload of trees. you turn back towards mark, “are we on schedule?”

he nods. “we’re actually ahead of schedule. we were supposed to be just out of illinois right now.”

you give him a tight-lipped smile that does little to ease the tension. removing the blanket, you make a move for the door and mark thinks that this must be it. you’ve had enough of him, you’re tired of tolerating his presence, and you’ve set your mind on walking the rest of the way to los angeles. it’s a rather immature thought but he entertains it for a split second regardless. the second half of the second is spent coming up with a hastened, “wait.”

you’re halfway out the door when you look back over your shoulder, a left eyebrow cocked in question. mark doesn’t have anything on hand to say, so he blurts out whatever question he had first in queue, “why… why did you agree to come?”

fully out of the car, you stand facing him with one hand resting on the car door and the other situated on your hip. in your freshly awakened state, you cock your head at the absurdity of his unprompted question. there’s a trace of thought pooling in your eyes before you answer rather nonchalantly, “i wanted to see how you’ve been.” the words hang in the air, waiting for mark to process them, and when he does it’s as if he’s had the wind knocked out of him. breathily, he recites a quiet, “oh i see,” and then you shut the door square in his face, leaving him with only an equally quiet, “i need to use the restroom, be right back.”

mark thinks back to why he himself had agreed in the first place and he’s not sure how much of a role haechan’s little ruse had played anyways. he appreciates the honesty with which you answered because it gives him the space to be honest with himself as well. he’d agreed to go because a part of him wanted to see how you’d been doing as well, but he’d also agreed to go because a part of him simply just wanted to see you. the little stunt that haechan had pulled was just the tip of the iceberg of reasons that led to this whole ordeal, and mark thinks — or at least hopes — that that had been the case for you too.

when you return, freshened up and looking more lively than you had in hours, mark’s more prepared than the last time he’d thrown a haphazard question your way. you’re fastening your seat belt when he asks, “since we’re ahead of schedule, do you wanna go for a drive around the forest?”

he sees where it starts, slow in the upturn. what looks like the beginnings of a frown blooms into an easy smile. it doesn’t reach your eyes, but it doesn’t need to for mark to know that you mean it. “around?”

he smiles too, quick with a flash of teeth and a breathy chuckle. “in, i mean. in the forest.”

you let your head retract to facing frontwards, leaning back into your seat as you nod, “sure, let’s go.” folding the maroon blanket into your lap, you follow mark’s pointed finger until your eyes set on his backpack shoved under your seat. “there should be a map in there. can you be my guide?”

for a second, he thinks he’s being too greedy with your patience but your easy smile flattens to show complacency. “i can do that,” and you salvage the map from the front pocket of the mess of his backpack. seeing about an inch-thick stack of maps in the same compartment, you look towards him with your smile now edging towards a knowing tease. “you planned for this, didn’t you?”

mark shakes his head fervently though he can’t find it in himself to audibly deny. after all, number two on his bucket list is to visit all the national parks and forests the country has to offer. how could you have expected him to resist when passing by a city that sat directly under 1.5 acres of forest land? and with the extra time to spare, it was a given.

you have the map crinkled open on your lap as you load up the top destinations with your phone in hand. mark’s excitement seems to be rubbing off on you; his giddy smile lends into your glittering eyes, his drumming fingers on the steering wheel translating to your bouncy leg. twenty-four minutes north — one right turn and one left turn — later, you’ve successfully navigated the both of you to alley spring and mill, a three-story red statement with a clear turquoise spring tucked behind.

the summer heat licks at the nape of your neck when you first open the door. you grab the blanket, the charcuterie box, the bag of popcorn and — with a thought spared in consideration — the stack of cards shoved into the cupholder after tucking your phone into the waistline of your shorts. the rush of water grows louder as you approach, the uneven pavement ebbing off into scuffed dirt and then brustling grass further down the stretch. pausing a good distance away from the decades-old structure, you hear a sigh in wonderment coming from behind.

mark’s mamiya rz67 weighs down one hand, the other raised to his brow to deflect the glare of the sun. he has a sort of satisfied look to his face, one that only grows as he makes his way to catch up to you. “good find,” he comments, tearing his gaze away from the sights to meet your eyes. pride snuggles into the corners of your smile and you duck away from his stare. 

“lemme go find somewhere for us to settle down for a bit,” you hold up the blanket in gesture and then wave him off with another smile, “you go do your thing, don’t mind me.”

there’s a few people here and there coming in and out of the mill and a few more along the skirts of the spring, but you manage to find a quiet spot along the water with some trees to offer a decent amount of shade. it’s much cooler down here, where the spray disperses itself fresh from the water and into the air, and you drape the blanket over the mildly damp grass. spreading the contents of the charcuterie box across a napkin and pouring a portion of the popcorn into the now empty box, the setting begins to look as if it were all planned and not, in fact, an impromptu day trip that fell in motion less than a half-hour ago.

slipping your shoes off, you ease into the spot, appreciating the clear air while you can. if you shield your eyes, you can see mark in the distance with his phone held up to the red building to check the light settings. he takes a shot there in that position, and you swear you can hear the ka-shink! of his shutter even from this far away. nibbling a corner of brie cheese, you watch him closely as he jogs in a zig zag across the plot to find another interesting shot to frame.

mark gets six or seven more in before he rounds upon where you’re sat, having finally found the alcove of shade you’d claimed. he’s still holding his camera with one hand, the size of his palm making the five pound camera seem small. in the back of your mind, you can still recall the weight of it from a year ago as mark demonstrated how to advance the film for your first try at a shot. you remember how difficult it was to get the hang of medium format photography, much less the bothersome large format that mark used to haul around wherever he went.

“may i join you?”

snapped out of your momentary reminiscence, you glance up at mark as if you hadn’t even seen him coming your way. at the nod of your head, he takes his spot across the blanket with his legs criss crossed. the seconds tick away while your eyes trace the lines of his hands, moving familiarly to load a new film stock into his camera. the delicacy of his movements, the steadfastness of his grip, the roughness of his knuckles, and the baby soft pads of his fingers.

there’s nothing to do with his hands when he’s done with his camera so he resorts to fiddling with the folds of the blanket and occasionally reaching for a grape. mark looks a little lost, if you are to be honest. or at least, it seems as if he’s unsure of his presence; too scared of breaching boundaries thus he shies away from interactions altogether. his patterns of behavior are nothing new to you. and though there was once a time where you’d despise having to always be the one to coax him out of his shell of insecurity, you aren’t nearly so distressed to do so when there’s no strings attached, no long withheld feelings that come with it.

“when should we get back on the road?”

mark looks up at you in surprise and relief floods his face when he realizes no sign of annoyance in your expression. as if he were taking a firm hold of the hand you’d extended, he responds kindly, “it’s best if we go before five, so we can take our time on the road.”

you check your phone and the time reads a quarter past four. scrolling down your notification screen to see if you missed any important messages, you find about four consecutive texts from haechan, sent just before you woke up from the six hour stress nap you inadvertently took. 

【 2:06 PM 】 bro u good? 【 2:06 PM 】 mark told me what happened 【 2:06 PM 】 should i beat him up for u? haha 【 2:08 PM 】 call me when u get a chance ;)

shutting off your phone, you retrace your attention back to mark. he’s the spitting image of a kid whose one and only friend didn’t show up to school today, hence he had to sit at his own table during lunch. you chuckle under your breath at the thought and he happens to hear, giving you a raise of his brow to which you only shake your head in dismissal.

so badly do you want to just clear the air — his newly uptight demeanor being a nightmare to get along with — but you know better than anyone how avidly mark avoids confrontation at all costs. to bring it right to his front steps is just asking for uncalled-for frustration. you zip your lips, and eye your surroundings, hoping for a topic of conversation to jump out at you.

sure enough, the red boldface catches your eye and it lingers. who says confrontation is the only way to subdue the tension? sometimes all you need is a little fun. and what’s better than a game to do just that? you place a hand atop the deck and wait for mark to recognize your intentions before softly suggesting, “your turn?”

the expression he dons is a bit squirmish as he reaches for the cards, but you can tell that he’s glad his careless words hadn’t ruined the game for you forever. his fingers make quick work in shuffling them neatly and, face down, he draws one from the pile at random.

“what do you think is the hardest part of what i do for a living?” 

mark glances up at you from the card expectantly and you’re thrown off guard for a moment. “i answer? i did the last one though.”

he only laughs, “yeah i know. but even if i wanted to answer, i couldn’t. you don’t have a job.”

“oh that’s right,” you smile, masking a tinge of embarrassment at your late realization,” okay, i’ll answer it then.”

you cross your legs like his and pluck a grape for your fingers to play around with. momentarily in thought, you realize that there’s not much to the question, not when pertaining to mark and not when asked to you.

“the thing is, i’ve seen a lot firsthand. and i think you know what i’m going to say.”

it’s his turn to be thrown off guard with wide eyes and a hand to his chest, “i do?”

nodding, you pop the grape into your mouth to give leeway for your thoughts to string into words. shortly after swallowing, the words follow in suit, “i mean, you love your job and from what i remember, it pays your bills. which is great, it’s really great.” careful with your next words, you approach them with caution, “but at the same time, i think — and correct me if i’m wrong — i think...it’s put a strain on some of your relationships.”

mark doesn’t look the least bit surprised. in fact, you’re sure he’d known the answer the second after he read the question. hardly disappointed, he smiles wide when your eyes brim with uncertainty. reassuring you, “you’re right on point,” and then nudging you along, “i still want you to elaborate on it though.”

“okay,” you smile back at him, mostly in relief, “i know this is pretty personal, but since you insist…”

and so you trailed on about what you knew. on how his job drove a wedge between him and his parents. on how they told him it was one thing to chase after your dreams, and a whole other to let your dreams crush you. but to him, dropping out of college didn’t make those two semesters a waste of time and money. rather, he thought that going to college in the first place made it easier for him to realize it wasn’t the path he wanted to walk. there were always going to be times where he wouldn’t be able to make ends meet but that was nothing to him if he could have the support of his friends and family to do what he loved most.

you knew very well that a “strain” was a light way to put it. his parents cut him off at nineteen when they realized he wouldn’t be returning to school. as most parents would be, they were worried but unwilling to financially support their son who they no longer believed in. his mom still brings stacks upon stacks of tupperware kimchi and side dishes each month and his dad still passes money under the table at family dinners. but for some reason, they could never look him straight in the eye.

“do you ever feel like they betrayed you?”

“no, never,” he declares almost immediately. “it’s easy to think that they did. it’s harder to really feel that way when i know how much they love me. it’s just that we value different things.” mark says it so convincingly that you nearly dismiss the suspicions behind your question. when you meet his eyes and they are dark and glossed over, you start to believe them a lot more than what he’d just said.

seeing his pain resurface as if it were there the whole time, you’re reminded of the guilt you carry for breaking up with him at perhaps the most vulnerable point in his life. knowing that mark could never blame you for it, you blame yourself in his place.

looking down from his gaze, you hold your left hand in your right, imagining it as his, and hope that just the thought of wanting to hold his hand offers him some comfort, in some sort of cosmically significant way.

「 DAY 02, 10:34 PM 」 — TOMAYTO TOMAHTO

mark drove past the ‘welcome to oklahoma’ sign at 7:30 PM. between cherokee and muscogee nation, he considered stopping at tulsa for the night instead of oklahoma city, the capital. it was around 9:00 by then and you were still fairly energized; he took from that to continue even though it was you who slept through the day, not him.

in your search, etrip.net claimed holiday inn to be $19 for a two person room, seemingly a ‘too good to be true’ deal for a four-star hotel with an indoor pool. you booked it anyways — though only after confirming that he was fine with sharing a room — and keyed in the address into google maps for mark to follow. 

when you look out the window less than a half hour to your destination, it’s near pitch black, save for the distant outlines of buildings behind large fields of what you assume to be grass. the two of you are just outside the city and when you roll down the window; the air is rather cool and crisp for a summer night. there’s a truck in front of your car with a shipment of fresh tomatoes and the scent of them wafts sweetly in the dawdling air.

basked in a comfortable silence for the first time during this whole trip, you feel that summer break has finally started. the days are long and long gone are your day-to-day worries about when this assignment is due and how much this exam will affect your grade. in hindsight, they were all passing worries, things that never irked you for long enough to be significant. and now that you had finally made peace with it all — moved on, and slowed down — the world seems much more pleasant, less frantic, and more at ease than you remembered. it’s quiet and you’re happy.

glimpsing to your left to check how mark’s holding up, the first thing you’re met with are his wide, frenzied eyes. you trace his line of sight whilst venturing to ask, “you good?” before noticing the oblong shape that’s been planted straight into the dead center of the windshield. upon further scrutiny, there’s a redish secretion that’s oozing down the glass. 

“y/n...what the fuck is that?”

the two of you are stunned in your seats, frozen at the thought of what it could possibly be. (a hockey puck! a donut! a scoop of ice cream! a bloodied body part?!) though soon enough, your conscience returns in time for you to register it as a tomato, straight from the truck ahead.

“holy shit,” mark mutters, and he begins to slow the car down and away from the alleged source. a second hits, (“fuck!”), right where your head would have been if not for the window. the third and fourth follow shortly, splatters sounding more like fist-sized rocks under the sheer force of impact. mark sees you ducking and dodging, this way and that, and his blood pressure sky rockets as a huge portion of his side becomes slathered in goop.

both of you are screaming at this point, mark has no way of knowing when the road will curve, and he’s still going seventy miles per hour, occasionally speeding faster whenever a jolt of adrenaline hits too hard and he loses fine control of his foot on the gas pedal. “roll up the damn window!” and your fingers fumble around for the button, almost opening up the whole door in the process.

you swerve your head right after the window’s safetly shut to see if anyone’s tailgating. “pull over, mark. there’s no one behind us.” and when the car comes to a stop, the two of you are panting uncontrollably, despite having barely moved for hours. there are no thoughts running through your mind — absolutely none, zero — when you turn your head to meet his eyes. and the second you do, the two of you burst into laughter, in utter disbelief at what just happened.

still breathless at the thought, your hand comes to your mouth in belated shock. the aftermath is disastrous. cautiously opening the door, you can spot remnant tomato juice dripping from the bottom edge. mark rounds the car twice in inspection, only to find that every last corner of his precious subaru crosstrek is coated in a sheen of red except for the back, bottom, and some of the top. the meager stack of napkins you saved from earlier in the day does the best they can, sweeping off most the meat but none of the juice. the scent doesn’t seem so sweet anymore when it’s all you can smell from a mile away.

you notice that mark has been standing in the same position for the last four minutes, unmoved with both hands on his hips, sweat gleaning from his brow, and a distant look in his eyes. you fear speaking up will spook him into tears. luckily, he speaks first. 

“y/n.”

“yeah?”

“can you find the nearest coin-op car wash on my phone?”

“okay.”

“i’ll…” he trails off into a breathy laugh, that kind of echoed laugh that makes you want to give him all your hopes and dreams, support and love. “...i’ll be here for a bit.”

you clamber back into the passenger seat, careful not to transfer any of the liquids indoors. his phone is mounted on a stand and you pry it off, wondering how you would get past his passcode. you key in his birthday, a reasonable first try, but the lockscreen doesn’t budge. pressing your lips thin, you try to recall what his password had been way back then. mark was never one for unnecessary changes; he held onto his possessions and habits stubbornly.

after an aha! moment comes a moment of doubt. to get the code right was one thing, but you weren’t sure how you’d feel if it was indeed unchanged. shrugging off the hesitation, you press in the four numbers anyways, and sure enough it unlocks.

dumbfounded, your hands drop into your lap and your vision stills, zoned out on the curve of the steering wheel. it’s hard to really understand what you’re feeling and it’s even harder to discern mark’s intentions behind keeping his passcode set as your birthday after all this time. the signs have been there—and you had kept to avoiding them—but now is the first time you’re facing the possibility that mark still has feelings for you. and even just the thought of how it doesn’t disturb you greatly warrants extra precaution on your end. 

mistakes are made so that they won’t be repeated.

you repeat the sentence to yourself perhaps five times over, and carry on with locating the nearest coin-operated car wash station as per his instruction. mark got in the car five minutes later with a small smile on his face. “it is what it is,” as he had put it. with only thirty minutes left, the car ride resumes in silence though this time around, there’s nothing comfortable about it. the man next to you is humming along to some john mayer song, oblivious to your disconterting mood that was induced solely by him (and partially by you, if we’re to be crystal clear).

deciding not to get too worked over it, you fixate, instead, on playing word games with haechan. time passes quickly as you win most of the rounds, half the time wondering why he’s even still awake when it’s already fairly late in his timezone. you make a mental note to call him when you get settled at the hotel, sooner the better if anything.

mark manages to hum along to every single song that comes up on the radio, sometimes even singing with a full voice and vibrato. you’re partially relieved that he’s no longer so on edge around you, also aware that now it’s you who’s way too in over your head. figuring that it wouldn’t be much of a problem once you call it a night, you move past your concerns and finally take a glance up from your phone.

marvelling at the ever-changing landscape on the other side of the window, your mouth falls agape at how the bare grasslands have since given away to streets among streets of buildings. you can peer even further down, where the city lights of oklahoma city make out a twinkling night sky, replacing the stars with their light pollution. devon tower stands the tallest and most discernable of the skyscrapers and for a second, your troubles melt away as you fall captive to The Big Friendly.

long past rush hour, the streets downtown are jam packed with both cars and pedestrians, forcing mark to brake every other second. the city night life in oklahoma feels warmer than the busy new york city had ever been. flourescent signs flash bright in invitation for you to enter, people flood the streets, swarmed with laughter and filled with good food. you keep a smile to yourself as this tedious road trip begins to feel a little more like a long-anticipated vacation.

marks pulls up at the coin wash station you’d found for him earlier. with it being a ten minute’s distance from the city’s main streets, the surrounding areas are quiet at this slow hour. when you reach over to unbuckle your seat belt, a hand comes to stop you and with a patient smile on his face, mark simply tells you, “wait here, i’ll clean it up real quick,” as he slips out of the car.

given no time to react much less disagree, he shuts the door behind him and you end up sitting in the car by yourself, watching mark as he busies around with his coins and then gets to hosing down the red streaks striping his car. presumably, they had dried in the wind. what a sight his car must have looked like, rolling through the city streets as if it’d been dunked in ketchup.

you get the idea then, while you’re idling around, to call up haechan quickly while you have the moment to yourself. if you could be curt with him, beat around the bush like the annoying little brat you are, you’ll have no problem with wrapping up the call within the next five to ten minutes it takes for mark to get the car scrubbed and shiny.

the phone rings a whopping total of seven times before he picks up. you put him on speaker and the groggy voice you’re met with is a telltale sign that you’ve freshly awoken him. “the fuck you want? i just fell asleep, you cow.” at least he went to bed, you think, whilst turning his loud ass voice off speaker and bringing your phone to your ear.

“woah, no need to be so vulgar. you’re the one who told me to call you.”

you hear a scoff coming from the other end. at his next quip, his voice is no longer groggy, now boasting a new tone of feisty. “yeah. i meant when i’m actually awake and willing to answer. bye, i’m hanging up now.”

“hey,” you whine, “you’re awake and i’m free right now so let’s just get it over with. what did you want to talk about?”

there’s a clear pause of deliberation on his end, only for less than three seconds though. “how’s it going with mark? i heard he made you cry.”

you sigh into the receiver, fingers having found the rim of your water bottle and decidedly tracing the cap around and around. “so he told you everything, i see. he just brought up some bad memories and i got overwhelmed in the moment. it’s all cool now.”

the line goes silent for while longer and the blasting hose outside just happens to shut off at the same time. you look up from your water bottle and through the shower of water, mark’s peering in with a sponge in hand, gleeful eyes greeting you hello. you give him an absentminded wave in return with your free hand.

usually, haechan had too much to say about everything but to your surprise, he only ponders with a lilt, “...it’s all cool?”

“it’s all cool,” you confirm. mark sweeps his sponge-equipped arm across the length of the windshield, the thick lather of bubbles building a wall between you and him. but just as his fingers dot two eyes and a big smile into the soap for you to see, haechan synchronizes, “so you guys are getting along?”

mark peeks into one of the holes to see you smiling as wide as the playful smiley face he’d drawn, the same one that was now at the mercy of the drooping liquids. contradicting your ear-splitting grin, you remark offhandedly, “we agreed to be friends.” and after a beat, you fill in the missing blanks, “for the sake of this trip, i mean.”

“friends…” haechan seems to have his panties in a twist today, for he’s pausing at all the weird moments, saying all the weirdest things. you can almost imagine the shake of his head as he cryptically states, “that won’t do.”

“what won’t do?”

the hose water is turned back on as mark directs it right at the windshield this time. you almost shriek in surpise, barely catching the click of his tongue that haechan gives. after dousing the windows clean, mark reaches for the snow broom to shimmy off the remaining water droplets. going row by row, he gives you a sore attempt at a wink when you meet his eyes. you supress your giggles as haechan’s dissatisfied voice soars past your ears without much thought.

“how can you be just friends with him when you still like him?”

you’re in no mood to be taking him seriously, so you end up saying the first thing that pops into your mind. “i’m pretty sure he’s the one that still likes me.”

“well you’re not wrong there.”

mark throws in another silly face — a really blown out toothed smile — and you decide then that you should probably end the call soon before haechan drags you into another discussion of who’s still hung up on who and who’s still in love with who. you decide then that, for tonight at least, you want to set aside the messy feelings and just have fun. because that’s what’s easiest when you’re with mark lee.

momentarily forgetting that you’re still on call, you hastily ramble out a quick, “hey i gotta go, something came up,” and the eye roll that haechan’s sure to give is predictable as it is true. “fine,” he deadpans, “talk to you later. or not, i don’t know maybe something will come up and i’ll forget about you for two weeks.” and with that, he hangs up right as mark reenters the car, eyes all shimmery and filled with glee.

“you have fun out there?”

he messes around with a few wet tips of his hair. “a lot of fun, actually. you should help me out next time.”

your heart races messily and mercilessly at the thought of ‘next time,’ so much so that you only have enough mindpower to muse absorbedly, “maybe i should.” he gets his seat belt buckled and you cap your water bottle after taking a long swig. 

“so…” mark starts whilst pressing the start engine button, “who was that on the phone?”

“haechan wanted to know if we were ripping each other’s hair out yet.”

mark chuckles, reversing the car out of the small lot. his eyes tell you he knows that a lot more than just that was discussed, but he resists prying to a certain extent. “so what’d you tell him?”

“well...” you take a moment to admire his side profile, his one hand resting casually on the wheel, and the gentle way his lips curve into a smile when you say, “i told him that i still have a full head of hair.”

「 DAY 03, 12:00 AM 」 — YOU ARE MY SOUVENIR, MY PROOF THAT I WAS HERE

what etrip.net forgot to mention was that the $19 you happily gave away was actually just a reservation fee, and not — as they had deceived you into thinking — the actual price of the room. you direct a sheepish smile towards mark as the bright-faced young man at the front counter charges $124 on your card. evidently, the internet is why you have trust issues.

the hotel sits right in the belly of downtown oklahoma city, with the touristy bricktown district only two blocks away. you’re given a card key to a spacious room with a queen sized bed draped in a crisp and plush duvet. from the updated appliances to the chic furniture and decor, every corner of the room smelled like fresh lemon verbena.

“i guess this is what you get when you pay top dollar.”

mark nods dazedly, but at the mention of money, he snaps out of his haze. “here,” he fishes out his phone from his back pocket, “i’ll transfer you the $62.”

you recline into the white lounge chair in the corner of the room. a ding! sounds from your bag that you’ve set on the floor besides you, signaling the transaction. eyes now closed in respite, you direct your “thanks” towards no one in particular.

there’s no couch this time, despite having paid a ridiculous amount, so mark sets himself atop the left side of the bed. he rummages through the front pocket of his backpack until he draws forth a thin booklet with a giant OKC in bolded yellow on the front. as he remembered, there’s a checklist list on the second page that covers all the must-do, must-see activities and locations that oklahoma city has to offer. 

mark looks up at you, then back down at the book, then back at you and back down at the book. he knows you well enough to see that you’ve yet to fall asleep. but give it another two or three minutes and the snores will catch up to you. but before those two or three minutes round upon him, mark decides that he has nothing to lose. if you want to come, you’ll come. if not, he still has a whole city to plow through in one night.

“hey.” there’s a hand on your shoulder and it’s shaking you lightly. distantly, you think that you’ve entered a state of lucid dreaming. a second after, the voice returns to say, “y/n, wake up,” and you’re conscious enough to recognize it as mark’s. willing your eyes to open, he’s hovering right above you with apprehensive eyes. “let’s go out.”

still not quite awake and still unsure of what you just heard, you blurt rather obtrusively, “what?”

“i mean...i mean like let’s go out out,” and he gestures to the window to make his point clearer. “we can get late dinner, or really early breakfast, or just walk around for a bit.”

not very convinced, you only frown at him. in turn, he’s prompted to ramble on further. “okay, but when’s the next time you’re visiting oklahoma?”

“like… never,” you drawl out slowly. mark nods fervidly as if there were a right answer and you were at the precipice of discovering it. impatient or in sudden fervor, he exasperates, “exactly! so you should make the most of tonight and see what it has to offer.”

he’s like an overly enthusiastic salesman and you decide that even if it’s just to please him, there’s no harm in playing tourist for a few hours; you could sleep as much as you want on the road anyways. you give in, “okay fine,” and watch as he pumps a fist not-so-covertly. “gimme like five minutes to change first though.”

by the time you meet him at the lobby, mark’s switched out his tour guide booklet for his phone, having loaded up all the destinations in preparation. the warm air outside is breezy to a fault and the wind picks up your hair and sloshes it this way and that. mark is quick to laugh but equally quick to tuck the wandering strands behind your ears. unknowingly, you blush and when you don’t break the stare, he breaks it for you. the tips of his ears are red when he looks away.

the first stop — a touristy jazz club — is closed for renovation, and the next one that you guys attempt had rebranded into a strip club. unease begins to nibble away at mark’s intial excitement, as his exhaustion and embarrassment collide to dampen his mood. the sidewalk crowd doesn’t care to part for two, so mark grabs hold of your wrist, leading you towards what he hopes is the final destination for the night.

mark finds his composure being built up and chipped away by your presence in the exact way he’d expected it to even before this whole ordeal of a trip. he can avoid your careful eyes and feign ignorance towards your attempts at civility, but he will never be one to deny to himself how much he still cares, how much he has always and will always care, about your opinion of him. it’s in the littlest ways that he hopes if not to impress you, then to make you smile at the least. mark doesn’t endeavor to lie to himself about that — that he wants you to smile and that he wants, even more so, to be the reason behind it.

he thinks he’s done a rather good job of accomplishing that tonight. from afar, “the flea” is but a green box with brick facing and a short line abutting the entrance. but upon entering, the ambiance of the bar feels rather like an old school arcade, with low ceilings and dimly colored lighting. it’s littered with games from pool to cornhole to connect four, and people are drunk and having fun. mark glances at you to gauge your liking, and supresses the urge to pump a lame and loser-ish fist at they way your eyes glisten in response to your lively surroundings.

he’s not sure if he’ll ever get the courage to apologize for the consequence of his thoughtless ramble from earlier in the day. and he knows that an apology is what you deserve. but in his own selfish and self-serving way, he hopes that this one night of drinking and games will at the very least make up for your soured impression of him.

you order two beers at the bar and amble over to mark, who’s found himself a spot at the darts corner. handing him the drink and taking a swig of your own, you query with a cocked eyebrow in the direction of the board, “wanna bet?”

taking the drink from your hands, mark deadpans, “you suck at darts.”

mouth full, you quickly swallow before laughing aloud, “maybe i got better, you never know.”

mark rolls his eyes in disbelief, but concedes nevertheless, “so what’s on the line?”

you take a quick scan around the room in consideration when a girl standing on the opposite side of the room by the pool table catches your eye. but not because she’s looking at you. feet crossed at the ankles and left hand swirling a half-emptied margarita, she has her sights set square on mark. a small smile dawns upon your face, and you turn back towards him. “you lose, you get her number.”

once glance around the room and he, too, knows who you’re talking about. maybe his heart sinks a little. and so he laughs. maybe he wishes you wouldn’t be so quick to write him off with another person other than you. mark takes a sip of his beer, and looks around the room once again. maybe he doesn’t mean what he’s about to say. “you lose, you get his number.” maybe he wants you to know that he still likes you, at least a lot more than the guy by the bar with the sleazy smile. 

you take a look at him yourself and decide that he wouldn’t be too bad of a punishment. some part of you felt the need to distinguish you and mark as two single friends who were just hanging out. the barrier needed to be defined after how it’d been ebbing between the extremes of exes and more than exes the whole day. it’s hard to say that you don’t like mark at this point. and that while any other guy could make you feel things, it would never amount close enough to what mark made you feel. 

but it’s even harder to say that you would want to get back together with him.

mark decides on a 200 point game and whilst you get off to a good start with two 20-pointers, mark beats you out by almost a hundred point margin to sum up the game. today, he feels up for admitting the truth to himself, for he knows well that he had tried his best to lose. but any further effort on that attempt would have made it obvious, as there was no conceivable way for him to out-lose your constant 1-pointers without suspicion. 

he watches as you down the rest of your beer before gesturing in the direction of the bar. he smiles back when you mouth, “i’ll be back,” over the blaring music. he knows why you’re being like this. he knows that it’s mostly his fault. he also knows that you’re doing this to protect yourself, that it’s not a means of punishing him. but mark accepts his punishment anyways, looking onwards as you approach the guy with a tap on his shoulder. he watches as the guy’s eyes rakes your figure in delight, sets a casual hand on your waist, smiles along to your cheesy pick up line.

but mark tears his eyes away before the guy can smash his greasy lips onto yours, or before you respond in kind. even seeing him lean in made mark sick to the stomach. he goes to retrieve the darts from the board and when he returns, you’ve returned too. “got it,” you show him the contact and number in your phone, “and i got a smooch on the cheek too.”

a small, “ew,” is all he can muster in his confusion of equal relief and disappointment. mark keeps you close for the rest of the night. you suggest many times that he go talk to this girl, or how that girl looks like his exact type. but you don’t seem to understand that mark only wants to talk to you and that you’re the only person in this room, or even in the world, he’d consider to be his exact type. you are nowhere near the understanding that mark has never felt this unlucky to be spending the night with a girl he wants but has lost the privilege to have.

you’re tipsy, with an arm linked with his and your head on his shoulder, as he walks the two of you back to the hotel. mark can’t tell you — at least not in this state — how he’s thought of trying again at least a million times. he’s come up with a million scenarios of how he’d somehow loop himself back into your life and slowly regain your trust for him. a million times over, he’d lost the confidence to follow through, always so sure that he would fall in the same patterns of negligence and immaturity. even so, he’s never wanted to try as much as he does right now.

he places your shoes by the bedside and slips off your dirty socks to add to the laundry. rummaging through your toiletries bag, he comes upon the micellar water and reusable cotton pads. he swipes it across your sleeping face to collect the makeup and extra debris, then washes the two pads and clips them on a hanger to dry. mark is dutiful in drawing the covers up to your chin, in pulling your hair back from your face, in everything a boyfriend would do.

mark is sober when he sets his lockscreen as the only thing he has to remember oklahoma city by: a photo of you, smiling at him.

「 DAY 03, 8:21 AM 」 —  HIS APOLOGY

“what is the hardest truth you had to face this year?”

you place the card to the back of the deck after reading the question aloud. mark takes his eyes off the road for a split second to glance at you. fiddling with a used toothpick with your fingers, mark wonders when you started flossing after years and years of ignoring your dentist’s nagging. yesterday, he noticed you were using a different chapstick brand than what he remembered as your go-to. you wear your hair up more often, and you frequent warm-toned clothing as opposed to your routine neutrals.

the more time he spends around you, the more mark realizes he’s never felt this distant from you. in barely two days time, he’s been surprised by how much you’ve changed in the relatively short duration the two of you spent apart compared to the time you had spent together. mark’s even more surprised by how little he’s changed in comparison.

the thirty seconds you’ve taken to formulate a response — to decide your terms of vulnerability in just how much to divulge — weren’t nearly enough for mark to be prepared for what you were about to share.

you don’t look at him when you speak. with your eyes set on the passing hills just outside, your voice breaches lowly into the air and across the car, right to mark’s utter confusion at the first of your words.

“i’ve learned that no amount of love goes wasted. i’ve learned that bad, unfortunate, terrible things happen to good people everyday, most of the time for no reason.” when you next blink, there’s a thin film of tears that gloss your eyes. “i’ve learned that the same bad, unfortunate, terrible things can happen to the very people that you love, and that sometimes there is nothing you can do about it.”

he thinks he can hear your breaths, or some similar rhythm pulsing in the thickened air, taut with tension and the fragility of your words. two beats pass, then four, before mark confirms it to be your now labored breathing. it stops shortly after, and you continue speaking to your best ability, which even then amounts to very little. “i’ve learned…”

mark turns to look at you for a little longer than he should, and the composure with which you held your head gives out, the weight of his gaze somehow heavier than that of your circumstances. he’s never seen you like this. he doesn’t know what’s your reality, and that this car, this trip, this moment, is your escape. 

“i’ve learned what it means to grieve for someone before they’ve even passed.”

he doesn’t know that you’re running on stolen time. he doesn’t know, wasn’t there, never saw how your mom had given your hand a squeeze, feeble but certain. how she faults her poorly-timed illness. how she struggled to sit up to give your grief-stricken, heartbroken body a hug and a kiss goodbye, regretful she might never be able to rejoice in her daughter’s marriage, and yet grateful that at least her other daughter can rejoice in her stead.

when you find it in yourself to lift your head upright, mark takes in another glance at the puffiness around your eyes and the streaks running down your cheek to your neck. he knows he should free a hand to locate the tissue box or offer that hand in support but he can hardly breathe, much less move, when you start speaking again.

“it’s my mom. her cancer, it’s relapsed.”

for a few seconds, all he can hear is the white noise of his car tires on an endless expanse of road. it’s like your words dissolve into the noise, refusing their impact on his own ears, richocheting between reality and his imagination. mark holds so still that he might as well have stopped breathing, or thinking, or being. 

it’s only when he hears a sob escape from you that his gravity returns to him out of a sense of realized necessity. a sort of certainty courses through his veins when he pulls over the car. there’s barely anyone on the road to witness him exit and circle around to your side. mark moves with conviction when he pulls your door open, unbuckles your seat belt, and embraces you whole. neither of you register the tears leaking from his eyes nor the way his hands shake ever so slightly, because his expression has been set straight, and his body sturdy for you to lean on.

forehead pressed to his chest, you’re gasping for air and making all sorts of incomprehensible sounds of anguish. you weren’t sure of where your strength had come from to confide in him like that, after you’d dutifully dedicated yourself to a trip detached fully of worries beyond your control at home. but you know it now. in the way he pats down your hair, rubs circles into your back, holds all the same grief-stricken, heartbroken pieces of your body together like glue, you know that it’s because it’s mark.

he doesn’t yet know what he’s saying but it’s coming out of him anyways. “i’m sorry. i’m so sorry.” he panics even more when you’re shaking your head in his arms, your hitched breaths unable to let forth any words of disagreement. but mark shakes his head too. you don’t know.

you don’t know how much it hurts him. from his heart, in his bones, through every fiber of his being he feels it. his apology.

“i’m sorry for not being there when you needed me most.”

you make up for your loss of words by looking up at him, finally. his mask of placidity folds, first at the seams with the furrow of his brow, but then in full as his face scrunches into what can only be described as indescribable heartache. his shirt is fisted in your hands as you sob, “how could you… how could you have known?”

mark shuts his eyes because he doesn’t think he has it in him to bear witness to the misery written across your face. his heart hammers inside his chest, unpromising of any relief any time soon. he holds you together, closely, closer, until there’s hardly a hardly a point of separation between the two of you.

your question rings in his head, because it makes no sense, because it only makes him feel worse about the last year he’s spent alone, because even without you by his side…

“i should have just known.”

only now do you realize that your trust in mark is the one thing that could possibly nullify your entire messy history. in hindsight, it was obvious. you knew that if you told him, he would make it his duty to make you feel better. you told him because maybe that’s precisely what you wanted to feel. and maybe you needed mark, more than anyone, to hug you like this and to convince you that everything was somehow going to work out. because maybe, just maybe, you would begin to believe it for yourself.

「  00:00  」 —  AMARANTH

it was something that you didn’t think was possible. to live with someone, to inhabit the same room, sleep in the same bed, and yet, to be so distanced to the point at which you were strangers.

sometimes he’d leave a mug on the kitchen counter, lukewarm coffee left idle. other times the tv would be left on when you got home from class, or the shower was wet when you stepped in. it was these small things, like traces of a ghost, that reminded you of your relationship with mark, or what was left of it.

on the off chance that the two of you would meet face-to-face, he was always reserved to himself. a few small apologies, maybe a peck to your lips, and always a search for reassurance — that you would’t leave him, that you wouldn’t understand where he was coming from, that you knew he wasn’t doing it on purpose.

the it was complicated. on the surface, the it was his absence in the physical sense. despite dropping out from college and having a suddenly abundant amount of free time, barely any of that time was spent with you. despite moving in to your apartment after being cut off financially from his parents and being forced to move out of the school dorms, the it was him rarely being at home. mark was always out on some unnamed errand, or to shoot at some far away location, hours away from anyone and anything. 

but under all that, the it was his inability to face himself and his future head on. the it was his latent realization that there were consequences to his impulsive and headstrong decisions, more than he had the foresight to think of, more than what he was capable of dealing with at the time. the it meant that he was incapable of putting any of these feelings to words, and even more so unwilling to say these words aloud to you.

mark didn’t know how to tell you he was lost without feeling like he had lost the one thing that was left of him — his dignity. he had held his head high when he’d passed word around that he would quit school, certain that it wasn’t the right path for him. he had held his head high when he had left his parents’ house, his childhood home, after his own father had gotten on his knees to beg him to just finish up his degree, to hold out for one last year. but he couldn’t even admit to himself, much less you, that he didn’t know what to do with himself after all his bravado had worn off.

it was an adulthood thing, he’d much later come to understand, his own version of a dramatic coming of age movie where he needed to lose himself in order to find himself. and it led him to the job of his dreams: somewhere between a full-time photographer and a part-time influencer, traveling the world, capturing it on film, documenting his process and growth journey for others to be inspired by. ever so passionate and devoted to his work, mark poured his whole into perfecting his craft. and only when he emerged atop the hill he had climbed all by his lone self — without a degree and without the support of his peers and parents — did mark realize that he had lost the one person that would have supported him through anything. you.

but the damage had been done. at that point, there was no such word in the english dictionary that could remediate the month and a half of unexplained absence. in response to his silence and refusal to confide in you, you had withdrawn from the relationship yourself, having given up on getting him to clue you in and having to deal with your own problems as well. 

it was too late for mark to say anything about it, far too late for any verbal apology to make up for it all. mark figured that his actions would speak louder than his words ever could.

at the height of summer, the sun couldn’t have shone brighter. it was that day where you had come to understand that mark’s place of refuge had never been the apartment you thought you’d both called home; it was the lake. the emerald lake would have a special feature in the photobook that mark would publish months after the two of you had broken up. in his captions, he’d write that it was there that he would turn to when his thoughts overwhelmed him, when he didn’t have it in himself to face the world.

and it was beautiful, in the most heartbreaking way, to see for yourself that in his most vulnerable state, he had turned to these waters and these winds. it was most beguiling, in the most earth-shattering way, to watch as he submerged himself bare in the water, to realize that he could never bare his heart to you, didn’t know how to, didn’t want to, didn’t care to.

he didn’t understand how badly you wanted to love him for everything that he was. he was too proud to let you see the worst parts of him, too proud to let you love the worst parts of him.

to him, the water was a symbol of renewal. to bring you here, where his heart lay, meant that he was opening back up to you, urging to you enter his waters. to you, it was a symbol of cleansing. to enter the water where you were beckoned meant washing off all the grief and bitterness that had accumulated towards the tail end of your relationship. you hadn’t yet figured out where you stood with him, if you still loved him, or if you even knew him well enough to say that you still loved him. 

it was ill-fated timing, really. your mom was diagnosed with hodgkin’s lymphoma, not even a week after what mark believed to be the turning point of your relationship. you had called him from the hospital, voice thick with affliction, rambling about chemotherapy and medical bills and breaking the news to your sister and everything else that had brought your world to a standstill. and yet in the midst of all your despair, mark could not for the life of him string together a single sentence.

later revealed, her cancer was at an early stage, so one round of chemotherapy was enough to quell it into remission. it wasn’t, however, easy on your family in terms of the financial burnden and emotional turmoil that steadily built over her four months of treatment.

all of this, mark would only hear of through haechan, for your relationship had ended the moment you had hung up that call.

blocking his phone number and social medias was the easy part. the hard part was convincing haechan to let mark move in with him. it was completely and utterly stupid and unreasonable, according to him, to end a fully committed relationship just because the guy couldn’t formulate a response to your trauma dump. “why?”

“because he’s emotionally constipated,” was the easy answer with an easy counter that haechan was sure to give, “but you knew that even before dating him.”

you sighed. however impossible, you could hear his impatience over the phone. it was enough to get you to be fully honest with your best friend. “he can’t talk to me. he can’t be honest with me. he can’t look me in the face and say ‘i’m sorry.’ tell me, hyuck,” your breath picks up and you’re mere seconds away from sobbing, “tell me, how am i supposed to come home from the hospital everyday and tell my sob story to a fucking wall?!”

later that day, haechan came over to your apartment to pick up all the belongings of your ex-boyfriend. you had dumped him because your life was in no state to house someone who didn’t know how to shoulder a burden. you had dumped him because, for the sake of your well being, you could no longer put up with his inability to communicate openly with you, to tell you what he was feeling, to tell you to ease your worries, or even just to tell you that he loved you.

but even now as you’re sat in the passenger seat of his car, if mark told you he didn’t love you anymore, you probably wouldn’t believe it.

you know it in the way he looks at you, with eyes so tender and attentive to your every motion, ears perked at every intonation, and heart worn bare at the foot of his sleeve. these were all made fact from the moment you first stepped in his car, when the simple idea of seeing him still made you apprehensive and guarded.

but with how low your defenses have since dropped, there’s no reason left to deny that mark wouldn’t believe you either if you told him you didn’t love him anymore.

and you can’t say it’s any sort of impulsive feeling, or an effect of loneliness that’s gotten the best of you. it’s evident to you now that the mark beside you is not the same mark you fell in love with. he is a result of your breakup, the one thing that he could not bury away with the rest of his feelings. the one thing that, if he ever turned to the lake for refuge, would only haunt him in the form of the memory of you that day. he could not run from the torment of losing you, because it had consumed him whole.

the mark beside you gave you your space when you needed it, and held you close even when you didn’t know you needed it. he still is awkward in responding to your questions, but he responds nonetheless. he apologized.

he’s not the same mark you foolishly fell in love with, overlooking his weakness until it ruined your relationship. the mark beside you is someone you have the choice of falling in love with, in full admiration for his growth and strengths, so much so that it begs the question:

what do you do when the reason you broke up with your ex no longer exists?

「 DAY 03, 12:47 PM 」 —  WILL YOU GO ON A DATE WITH ME?

“thank you.”

mark jolts in his seat, though he keeps enough of his cool only to answer somewhat lamely, “uhh… for what?”

“for comforting me.”

mark doesn’t look over at you. he can’t. he’s afraid of what you have to say, of what’s to become of your fleeting friendship, of the boundaries he’d overstepped. so he merely brushes it off, hoping you don’t read too much into his actions to feel uncomfortable about it. “oh that? it was nothing, no need to thank me.”

but you look over at him, and continue to, for seconds or even minutes on end. the profile of his face is perfect to you, round eyes, the slope of his nose, an equally boyish and nervous smile playing at his lips. you could almost cry, again; this time at the irony of how your break up was so ill-fated by time, but your reunion so auspicious.

“it was not nothing to me. it was… everything.”

now he looks over at you with curious eyes, but you just shake your head slightly. “it just meant a lot to me. that’s all.”

mark returns his gaze up front. he’s still nervous, afraid, and ever so conscious of you, but at the very least, he’s glad that he seems to have successfully communicated his care for you. in silence, you’ve spent the last three hours switching between playing sudoku on your phone and annotating a red-covered book titled all about love by bell hooks with a pink pen. 

until a few seconds ago, mark hadn’t had any insight whatsoever as to how you were feeling, whether you wanted more space to yourself, or if you wanted to just put it behind you and move on to cheerier conversations. and with bated breath has mark awaited some sort of sign that you were doing okay. now, as if given the green light, he sighs in relief and begins to speak, almost a little too eager to be able to strike conversation with you again.

“we’re almost halfway through texas now. well, the tip of it.”

the view just outside is completely flat for as far as the eye can perceive. blocked with only two colors, the vivid blue sky is completely void of any cloud, just as the dirt ground is void of any plant. seeing the landscapes change restlessly before your eyes over the past few days has felt like putting your life on double the speed, and the constant and unchanging blue and brown just outside feels like a welcome contrast. in all the flurry of this trip, you yearn for a moment to reorient yourself. and so you ask, “where are we staying tonight?”

“not sure yet, but if you want to you can look up some hotels in new mexico.”

you ponder the suggestion to yourself before suggesting an idea of your own, “how about we go camping? i saw your gear in the trunk.”

it’s gradual and awfully subtle, but you watch intently as the corners of mark’s lips upturn into a small smile. you even take note of how the sunlight from outside catches in his eyes, a small glint that gives his whole countenance a boyish radiance. he chuckles under his breath, simultaneously spotting a sign on the right side of the road. there’s almost a singing undertone in the way he says, “wanna take a break somewhere, grab some food, and plan something?”

you notice that the smile is still on his face as he sits across from you at a wendy’s in the middle of amarillo, thirty minutes later. in the same plaza there happened to be a taco bell and a denny’s, with an ihop and mcdonald’s across the street, inciting a fifteen minute heated debate as to which would make you less likely to vomit all over his car. in reality, there was no right answer. they were all wrong, but mark lee isn’t usually one to win arguments.

he has a few travel brochures splayed on top of the table, though he spends more of his attention typing into his phone and scribbling down notes on a yellow post-it. while he put himself in charge of finding a suitable camping spot somewhere in eastern new mexico, mark put you in charge of something you couldn’t mess up, and something you thought was too easy for the high paygrade of your company.

you did it begrudgingly and anyways, opening up the notes app on your phone, not all that happy to be left with the comparatively more boring job of coming up with a list of things to buy. with some on-the-go food options and a blanket on the list, you contemplated what kind of alcohol would most appropriately suit the occasion, looking up from your phone in time to catch mark as he did the same. briefly, your eyes met across the table.

he knows you both thought of the same thing. you must have. 

he’s the only one who knows he didn’t actually need to study for any of his finals that semester, with most of them being projects and the only outlier being a general education psychology course. but mark was at the library every day and night with you, knowing you were scared shitless for your first week of finals as a college student. you were in two completely different majors, with no overlapping classes or even departments, and yet he was there, quizzing you on your human anatomy or art history notes. you’d get all in your head about the answers, rethinking and doubting yourself. and then you’d look up at him, eyes meeting across the table just the same as now, and you’d say the correct answer.

and there was that one time, in the complete silence of the top floor of the main library, where mark had slipped you a post-it note, eyes attentive and lips pulled into a line as he watched you read over his penned question. and as always, you had said the correct answer. i would love to go on a date with you.

just like back then, you smile at him brightly and fondly from across the table. mark looks taken aback for a second, either reeling or pleasantly surprised by thought of the memory. he takes a bite of his burger, chews a bit, then swallows roughly. you look back down at your screen and quickly type ‘soju’ before setting your phone down, figuring something stronger than beer would be able to get more truths out of you that wouldn’t escape so easily when sober. seeing as how this trip had you revealing more than you expected, even going as far as confiding your most vulnerable self to mark, you wish he would let go of some of his own thoughts as well.

mark sets his phone down too, as you rummage through your bag to find the red box you’d taken from the car. he watches as you set it on the table and after recognizing it, quips almost incredulously, “you still wanna play? after all that?”

“well i was thinking i could use a break from answering.”

“you want me to answer?” he quirks an eyebrow up, and you pass the set of cards over to him. barely shuffling, he draws a card at random and his eyebrows move again, this time to furrow as he skims the question. mark reads aloud, “how old do you feel, emotionally?”

it’s a question that you yourself can’t answer for him, even if you wished to. there’s no way for you to tell what kind of changes had occurred between then and now, but at the very least you know that he’s years wiser than the mark that once sat across from you at the library. and that thought alone pulls at your heart incessantly.

after giving the question some thought, mark answers in all the ways you least expect him to.

“i feel like i know nothing.”

and he doesn’t bother to elaborate further.

“what?”

mark laughs a bit. it’s evident that his thought was underdeveloped, and so he develops it some more, “i feel like a newborn baby, but like… really smart.” he continues to make no sense, so you laugh at him. and then you’re both laughing. it’s sweet, really.

he had spent so long in that library with you, dutifully studying for what would be the easiest final exam of his life. mark reread his psychology notes so many times that week that they would be forever ingrained in his mind. but to you, the next thoughts he shares are completely out of the blue.

“you know like crystallized and fluid intelligence?” he pauses to laugh some more at the quizzical look you’ve thrown him. “like crystallized is like accumulated knowledge and stuff like facts, while fluid intelligence is like problem-solving and reasoning or something.”

now he really needs you to stop laughing because it’s infectious. “and what does that have to do with anything?” your laughter is especially infectious to him, because he really can’t bring himself to stop laughing despite the point he so desperately wants to make.

“just let me finish my thought, okay? and then you can laugh all you want.”

at that, you stifle your laughter by pressing your lips together, and all mark can think of is how cute you are. he pushes past that thought and does his best to sound like he’s not stupid.

“i mean like, i feel like i have a bunch of crystallized intelligence from being in the world for so long, but at the same time i have zero fluid intelligence. like i’m a newborn baby with all the knowledge in the world, and no idea what to do with it.”

and you catch on immediately, “so basically like… adulting? like facing the real world after being coddled your entire life?”

mark isn’t laughing anymore nor was anything he said that stupid, but he has this stupid dopey smile on his face. because if there’s one person that can comprehend his thoughts so completely and so easily, even as he uses the most unorthodox methods to explain them, it’s you. always you. only you.

and just like that you understood it all. the months he spent in solitude after dropping out of college weren’t spent alone, they were spent facing the real world. you had always been so bitter that he would rather endure those rough moments by himself than shoulder his worries with you, but you understand it now. and he didn’t even need to say much at all. mark had needed space to figure out himself, for himself. he needed to unlearn everything that people and society had told him about who he was, what he was good at, bad at, should or shouldn’t do, and for once, spend time to get to know himself. after all, how was he supposed to be in a relationship with you if he didn’t even have an idea of who he was?

sitting across from him now, you can see in full how mark’s grown into himself, his passions, and his work. he’s facing the world still, and will always be, but he is confident instead of prideful. he isn’t ashamed of what he doesn’t know, for he will learn in due time. he isn’t afraid of failure, because he knows he’ll only grow from it.

it’s astonishing how these past few days have brought everything into a full circle. in hindsight, the messy break up was really just what the situation called for. and this impromptu reunion turned out to be a miracle of timing, to the degree at which the both of you can’t help but think…

right person, right time.

「 DAY 03, 10:12 PM 」 —  MY DREAMS COME TRUE (WHEN I’M WITH YOU)

you found it strange, but didn’t think too much of it.

it was like there was some foggy haze over everything, like a honeyed film that made your world a little sweeter, softer, and more precious. you had spent almost a full two years juggling your classes, extracurriculars, and family and relationship issues, flitting between school and home and the hospital and then repeating it all over and over until you couldn’t even trace when you’d gone a bit insane. to you, it was something between a secret orchestration of the universe and an answered prayer to find yourself out here, surrounded by cicadas and under the scorching sun.

to him, it was everything he could have asked for, and more.

sumner lake state park had his favorite hues of greens, blues, and browns. and you were grateful, for mark frequently paused your impromptu hiking trip to shoot on his camera, leaving you moments to catch a breath and take in the views along the lakeshore.

the sun had set at half past eight. that was almost two hours ago, and two hours after the two of you had luckily scored a spot at the eastside campground. whoever made the original reservation would forever have no clue as to what they helped achieve by simply not showing up.

it was like a dream, except you were awake. it was like a movie, except you were the star. it was like a book, except it wasn’t all about love. it was all about mark lee.

he has one hand holding his mug and the other on your thigh. again, there’s the glint in his eyes, this time sourced from the small campfire he’s made. the summer night is hot enough, but mark had insisted. “for the ambiance,” he’d said, “for the memories.”

this is how the memory will go. for whenever you think back to this moment, you will always remember the glow of the fire reflected in his eyes, the buzz of cicadas, the sound of the lapping lake, and his hand on your thigh.

you take a swig of your soju, face scrunching at the initially bitter taste. setting your mug down, you lean back on the palms of your hands and look up towards the sky. it reminds you of the color pencil set you used to use as a kid, the black you’d always confuse for a dark navy and the dark navy you’d always confuse for the black. and dotted with a white color pencil were the stars, shining one by one, all too similar to the light in his eyes.

the water of the lake reminds you of him. the leaves of trees he’d dedicated countless rolls of film to reminds you of him. the singing of birds, as soft as his mindless humming, reminds you of him. the sweetness left by the soju in your mouth reminds you of him.

maybe the world felt a little lighter on your shoulders when you were with him, and everything seemed a little brighter because of his bright eyes and carefree smile. he makes you feel like you’re a kid whose imaginative color pencil drawings of her dreams spin off the paper and turn into reality. like a kid who, in her heart, only has space for hope for the future.

and you think, that must be what it means to love someone. to see everything in a different light, to see only the best of situations, of people, of the world around you. and ultimately, to love the world, everybody in it, every thing ever created, because you love him. 

and so when he draws the next card, it’s the most ridiculous question ever.

“how did you get over your first love?”

you laugh a little, then gulp down the rest of the soju in your mug. wincing at the taste, you decide that it would do no harm whatsoever to be a little more honest with mark. compared to the first day you stepped in his car, back into his life, you now have a very good idea of how mark had changed, how he knew how to handle your feelings with care this time around. it’s a newfound trust, and you plan on exercising it.

looking him straight in the eye, you cock your head a bit to the left as if considering the thing you already knew you were to say. “i don’t think i’ve ever gotten over you.”

mark has no reaction. he just stares at you for longer and longer, until you tilt your head to the other side and he seems to remember that time hasn’t stopped for him. suddenly he’s also downing the rest of his soju, throwing his head back and gulping it down thickly.

truth be told, he used to be intimidated by the honesty with which you always spoke, but he thinks he gets it now. whether it be with other people or with himself, mark feared that the truth about his feelings, his pridefulness, or the nature of his insecurities weakened him. but at the end of the day, what good has avoiding the truth done for him? it was through losing the most sincere person in his life that he realized being forthright and overcoming the fear, the uncomfortableness, and sometimes the displeasure of being honest, made him all the stronger.

and it’s with these thoughts that mark is able to muster up the courage to regain your gaze with all the softness in the world. maybe it had a little to do with the alcohol in his system, but the words seem to slip right out of him. “i don’t think i’ve ever gotten over you either.”

you hold your gaze for only a few moments longer, for shortly after processing his words you break out into a grin so wide, mark can’t help but think the alcohol’s gotten to you too. and then you’re laughing a bit — whether out of relief or bewilderment, he can’t tell — but he’s glad. mark is glad to hear your honest answer, glad to give an honest answer back. he watches as you fully recline on the air mattress in the trunk of his car, looking onwards adoringly. there’s really no way to tell if he’s feeling this giddy because he’s drunk or because for the first time, there is no need to suppress his feelings for you. mark suspects it’s both, at the same time, in full effect. 

he grabs another card, reads it for all of two seconds. mark leans over to where you’re peering up at him and, smiling fondly, he tells you to, “close your eyes for a sec.” you think of the campfire, the cicadas, and the lake, but when you recall this night in memory, this exact moment is what you remember most vividly.

it was bound to happen. you just didn’t know it’d happen like this.

the air mattress isn’t uncomfortable, per se; it’s just that it feels hot against your skin. chills run down the length of your spine, but it isn’t the doing of the wind from the half-open windows. it’s mark lee and his lips on yours. his hand comes up to your arm feverishly, barely grazing it, and more chills ripple from wherever the rings on his fingers ghost your skin. 

mark stops for a moment. takes a breath. looks back up and peers into your eyes. he kisses you again.

you don’t know what to do except kiss him back. he has both hands on you now, the one on your arm and the other one on your neck. and he keeps kissing you, lips molding to yours with slips of his tongue here and there, gentle and prodding. he’s scared. for what exactly? he doesn’t know. maybe for his life.

his life, that you seem to be holding in your hands, the same hands that are now making their way around his waist. mark can’t breathe. the skin at the back of your neck is warm and soft to the touch, but he already knew that. he’s known it for so long. everything about you is familiar to him like a well-worn book or the lines of his favorite song. the sound of your voice is so low when the briefest of groans escapes you, but to mark it’s almost predictable. this is the you that he knows, the you that he couldn’t forget, the you that he lost.

mark can’t breathe, and so he stops kissing you. he mumbles an embarrassed, “i’m sorry.” he buries his head into your shoulder. he thinks he loves you. he knows he does.

but he can’t bring himself to say it out loud.

out of fear, he can’t tell you he loves you. it’s not the same fear that held him back from sharing any vulnerable side of himself with you, but instead the fear of losing you. even as you admit your lingering feelings and kiss him back like you’d never stopped, mark is filled with the fear of how overbearing he’d be if he fully leaned into his desire for you. he can imagine himself, in this same moment but in a million different universes, and in each one he messes up.

in one, he moves too fast by saying the words but he’s got the timing all wrong, and all of a sudden his feelings are a burden to you whose own feelings lack the depth of his. in another, he never says them at all, and this night marks the last of any intimacy he’ll receive for the rest of his life. in all of these universes, he knows why he kissed you, but he doesn’t know what you meant when you kissed him back. in all these universes, he wants, more than anything, to do right by you.

“sorry for what?”

mark lifts his head up to look you in the eye, and when he still fails to say a word, you tease him a bit to lighten the suddenly dour look on his face. “for kissing me? really?”

to your delight, he chuckles at that and shakes his head lightly. 

you can tell he has a lot on his mind, but his neck and ears are flushed red and you don’t mean to use his inebriation to pry the words out of him. you pat the empty side of the bed, “lay down, we should get some sleep.”

slowly and cautiously, he moves to the spot next to you. laying down flat on his back and staring at the darkened ceiling of his car, mark wonders if this is the universe where nothing happens at all and he misses his chance completely. he sinks into this feeling and almost lets it consume him whole when he realizes he’s the only person who has the ability to change that.

the blanket the you bought earlier in the day has been discarded by your feet, the summer heat imanent even in the dead of night. you don’t know how to process what just happened, and you don’t get a chance to. a warmth is felt along your side before you realize mark’s arms have found their way around your waist, bringing you closer to him. he nuzzles his face into the sleeve of your shirt, eyes closed and humming in satisfaction.

his voice is barely discernible when he mumbles, “i’m sorry if that caught you by surprise.”

the sound of cicadas chirping just outside fills the space between his apology and your forgiveness. “it’s okay. i didn’t mind it.”

mark shifts his position a little. he places a small kiss at the base of your neck. “do you mind this, then?”

though his eyelids remain heavy and all his words are slurred together, he’s more alert than he has been all day. he doesn’t hear your small laugh so much as he feels it pulse against him, and it fills him with much joy. perhaps this has been his superpower all along, changing his universe in small and big ways, however he desires. perhaps, as long as he is true to himself and honest with his feelings, he will always find a way to have you close by his side, feeling every rise and fall of your breath. 

that night, in the brief moments before sleep overcomes him mark decides that he will create a universe where you are his, happily, rightfully, and fatefully.

「 DAY 05, 1:44 AM 」 — JUST TELL ME YOU LOVE ME

number three on mark’s bucket list — the one he made in his sophomore year of college — is to one day visit the svalbard islands. located in the arctic circle, the northernmost town in the world, called longyearbyen, goes about half a year without sunlight during its dark season. it is there that mark wishes to undergo the challenge of photographing in almost complete darkness, something he’s never quite been able to catch the hang of.

number four on his bucket list is to start a company that produces camera gear for his own needs, and for the needs of the many people he’s inspired with his work. number five on his bucket list is to buy an old ass subaru manual transmission wrx and fix it up until it’s perfectly to his liking.

out of all these ambitions listed on his bucket list that mark had told you about way back then – the previously mentioned visiting of all the national parks and forests, shooting in svalbard, starting a camera gear company, and owning a wrx — he’d neglected to tell you what tops his list at number one.

after two years, his bucket list remains unchanged, even the mystery number one: to complete everything on his list with you.

when you had asked a few days prior why mark hadn’t bothered moving out of nyc as it no longer served his needs, he had said you were the one reason he couldn’t part with the city. it had made you frustrated as to why he kept you in the equation even after your relationship came to a close, but more so confused as to why he still held you to such importance. 

you had spent the many months after the break up working hard at keeping your life together, removing all emotions, situations, and people that stood in the way of your priorities at the time, which were school and family. while that still holds true for you, mark’s priorities hadn’t changed either; you have continued to be a priority of his to this very day. and only now, when he’s right in front of you, do you realize this.

maybe it had been your insistence on moving on from him that you believed all his actions were nothing more than displays of his latent guilt. he’d send boxes of protein drinks to your front door, salves and balms for cracked skin, and woven hats for your mom who was undergoing chemotherapy at the time. and for you, there’d be the occasional uber eats ramen or chicken noodle soup that would arrive at your doorfront unprompted, and especially right at the times when you were up studying all night.

under suspicion, you had stopped complaining to haechan whenever you were feeling particularly tired or hungry, and the late night meals that were sent to your house lowered in frequency, and weren’t as punctual to your needs. mark wasn’t outright with anything, never showed up himself, or contacted you personally, but he wasn’t exactly discreet either.

only you, haechan, and mark knew your door code, for you hadn’t bothered to changed it after he moved out as there was no apparent need to. after the lightbulb in your kitchen went out and you had asked haechan a favor to buy you one at the nearest hardware store, you came home later that day to find it already fixed. knowing haechan was also busy with school and wouldn’t go to such lengths without further bribing, you had surmised it was mark and decided to put it to the test. the next time when your shower faucet started leaking, you mentioned it in passing to haechan and before the end of the week, it was good as new.

could it have counted as breaking and entering? that’s debateable. but you were aware of it and yet did nothing about it, rendering it legal at the very least. back then, you had given the vitamin supplements he had sent to your house to your mom, eaten every meal he bought you, and accepted all his covert services without a second thought, because you were firm in your belief that any form apology sent your way was useless in repairing the relationship you had put to a stop. you might as well accept it, move on, and wait until the day mark was no longer ridden with guilt, and no longer felt the need to perform such acts out as a result. 

that day never came, and it’s evident to you in retrospect that he did nothing out of guilt, but everything out of care, for your health, your well-being, and safety. his care, simply, for you.

it’s evident to you in the way mark exceled in his role as the passenger princess the entire day. after he lost another argument to you, you finally found yourself behind the wheel which, somehow, felt like the safest seat in his car. he fed you snacks, kept you entertained, put on all your favorite songs, and navigated the both of you safely to the white sands national park in new mexico.

mark kept an extra pair of sunglasses in the central console of his car. mark also had facial oil blotting papers in the glove box. in the trunk, there was an extra pair of sandals in your size, and a set of two fold-out camping chairs. the way he never stopped caring, it was as if you never broke up with him.

there is no city in the world that mark would rather live in, if you are not there. there is no national park he would ever visit, if you are not with him. he would freeze to death in the northernmost city in the world, without your warmth beside him. he would run his company to the ground without your input, and his favorite wrx becomes just another car without you in the passenger seat. all his life goals lose their meaning in your absence. this is how it’s always been for mark. this is why you are a priority to him.

even with his sunglasses on, the white sands were exceptionally bright. for the duration of 45 minutes, mark had guided you along the dunes drive, a scenic eight mile drive through the famed gypsum dunefield. the road conditions were harsher the farther you went along, and so he instructed you into the nearest parking lot, and swapped seats with you before going on. mark held your hand while driving, and he also squeezed it whenever he inevitably hit a bump here and there, as if in apology, as if it was his fault.

mark had kissed you again, with nothing but the white sands and blue skies in the backdrop. he’d taken pictures of you, using up his most expensive film stock on your priceless smile. he’d paid for the motel too, knowing you hadn’t initially wished for the trip to be more than three days, but wanting you to stay for yet another.

all of this has you wondering if you have it in you to care for him the way he cares for you.

you wonder how much importance he holds to you, how much of your heart you’d be willing to give to him, where your love for him would take you if you set it free.

as it turns out, your unanswered questions would be answered in the wee hours of the following morning. this is after mark had driven another six hours to ensure you would be able to make it to los angeles by the day after that to help with last minute preparations for your sister’s wedding.

you are in miami, a city in which — up until the last hour of your life — you had no idea existed outside of florida. you are in arizona, a state in which you would never have had a reason for visiting, if not for mark lee.

you are in a room, at the two-star rated el rey motel. and now you are in the bathroom, dimly lit by the dispersed light of a plastic water bottle placed atop your phone flashlight. you are in the bathtub, and though the water’s no longer hot, the temperature maintains its warmth from the heat emanating off your body. alongside mark lee’s.

it’s a forced darkness; the single lightbulb was out, and the early hour meant the motel staff had already retired for the night. with only one weak light source, the darkness of the room sets a tension so high that both of you are afraid to speak, much less move. but you put it upon yourself to break the tension, as it was your idea in the first place. bathing together.

the silence and the darkness combined makes it so every movement and every breath is unmistakeable and pronounced. the same applies to the sound of your voice when you start to speak, “thank you.”

all of a sudden, mark repositions himself. you can barely see it, but you hear the water sloshing and you feel it move about you. he’s sat across the tub, and you find it fascinating that even without light, his eyes still manage to shine. looking into them, you resume, “thank for everything you did, after we broke up.”

you can hear him swallow. the more you talk, the more you feel the tears pricking at your eyes, your emotions rising as you continue to speak, “and thank you driving me across the country, and for always being considerate, and for apologizing, and for…” your voice lowers to a bare whisper, “...everything. for everything you have ever done for me.”

“you don’t… you don’t have to thank me for anything.”

whereas your tears are at the precipice of falling, you notice that mark has begun crying. they’re silent, the way his tears roll down his left cheek. the water around you shifts, ebbs and flows, as you move closer to him and reach a useless wet hand to wipe his tears. you keep your hand on his cheek. and again, mark finds that he can hardly breathe, “i did it all… i did all of it, because i…”

mark breathes a sharp inhale, the air struggling to squeeze past the three words that remain lodged in his throat. he’s twenty-four now, and he’s still scared of the dark. but by no means is he scared of the monsters under his bed. without light, a camera has to resort to longer exposure times to piece together a full picture. without light, the human eye has to dilate to capture more of what is right in front of it. if his exposure is set too low and if his eyes fail to dilate, all that will remain will be a blurry image, uncertainty as to what was, nothing when there was actually everything. 

here in this bathroom, where there is nothing but you and him and a million unsaid truths, mark finds that he is terrified of losing what’s right in front of him to the darkness. again, he is most fearful of losing you.

both of your hands now cup his cheeks, bringing his face in line with your own. he has his arms around you, and you can feel his fingers pruning on the skin of your waist. you think you have an idea of what he’s about to say, was about to say, but you’re scared he won’t say it. with nothing but a thin veil of air between your noses, you decided to help him overcome his fears.

“i think we feel the same way about each other.” please say it to me.

mark blinks, breaks the stare, looks away, upwards, to the side, “we can’t possibly feel the same…”

he sounds almost exasperated, in the most diminished sense, but you push again, “even then, i don’t mind,” just tell me you love me.

“we can’t possibly feel the same…” mark returns your gaze again, and you watch as his pupils dilate, “because there’s no way you love me as much as i love you.”

the veil of air between your two noses lifts as you lean in for a kiss. a small one. one that says, i will always love you.

of all the things water could symbolize, the water in this bathtub surrounding the two of you represents life, the life that was breathed back into your relationship. this is owed to truth, which is a funny thing for it often hides in plain sight. a year ago at the lake, where the sun had touched every surface on the face of the earth, it had not bothered to dig deeper than that. it is only in the darkness that the truth has nowhere to hide. and if mark had been fearful of the dark moments ago, it is for this reason that he isn’t anymore.

「 DAY 06, 1:18 PM 」 —  LIKE WE JUST MET

the trunk of his beloved subaru crosstrek slams shut from behind. mark winces. the car door of the passenger seat slams shut shortly after. mark winces once again, and complains rather brashly, “can you not do that every time you get in my car?”

“you’re late. we’re late. can we just get going already?”

mark huffs, turning his attention to the front because the both of you are at fault. you, for not treating his baby with love and care. and him, for picking you up almost twenty minutes after he was supposed to. the wedding venue was an hour away including traffic, and now mark had only forty minutes to not jeopardize the state of his new old relationship.

he’s all but broken your neck by the time you arrive — only five minutes late — after accelerating and braking as aggressively as was necessary to get you to your destination.

while you collect your belongings, mark exits the car, straightens out his tux, and makes his way over to your side of the car, pulling the door open for you. you meet him with a glare while clambering out the car, “you’re lucky nothing’s started yet.”

with you as the maid of honor and with him as just your plus one, he spends most of the time idling around and mingling with acquaintances he hasn’t seen in ages, whilst you headed to the suites of the beachside resort to help your sister get ready. mark is shocked, more than he has been in the past week, to find out that you hadn’t told a single relative that you’d broken up with him in the first place. still, he plays his role as “boyfriend for almost three years” quite well.

throughout the rest of the day, mark notices a few things. 

1) you like the venue, a lot. a summer wedding on the beach, with pastels and flowers and the wind in everyone’s hair. and since you’d commented on these things more than once, mark made sure to commit it to memory for future reference.

2) your sister made a face at you before turning around and throwing the bouquet, which you caught. did everyone think he was supposed to propose right then and there? he doesn’t know, but something about the way your sister had regarded him the whole night makes him nervous. as in the “meeting the in-laws” kind of nervous.

3) lastly, you were more beautiful that you were yesterday. but also, yesterday you were more beautiful than you were the day before. mark had recognized this ongoing phenomena ever since you’d stepped in his car, and it doesn’t seem like there’s a cap to his admiration for you. at this point, it’s like he’s just waiting for any day now where it gets out of hand and he does propose.

it’s on the dance floor where this last point becomes very apparent to him. you’re laughing at everything he’s saying, eyes beaming up at him as he sways you this way and that. when he leans down to plant a kiss to your forehead, mark swears the smile you give in return could save lives with just how radiant it is. he feels a bit silly, like he’s gone a little crazy, but mark knows that the next wedding he’s going to will be his.

and it’s as if your minds communicated on a frequency that only the other could hear, as just the next moment you whisper in his ear.

“us next?”

✧ [ FIN. ]  copyright © 2023 rouiyan all rights reserved.  

✧ author's life update — honestly who knew i would get back into writing ff... basically i graduated from high school, got into a few t20 colleges, lost a parent to cancer, gained a parent, lost two best friends, broke up with my long term boyfriend, got my license, turned legal, AND saw the dreamies in concert. so if anyone's wondering why i left.... i'm just glad to say i'm so bored that i'm back. and yes this fic is mostly a self-indulgent account of what i wish my relationship and family life turned out to be but the moral of this story really is: if you're emotionally unstable, seek professional help before relying too much on your s/o. unless they are, of course, mark lee.

sources wnrs card game wnrs free deck (shhh) upmc pinnacle colon and rectal surgery center brockhampton saturation ii track 16 one star relax inn review little crazy love song alley spring mill the flea holiday inn at ok my fav tea that got me thru this wendy’s in amarillo sumner lake state park svalbard wikipedia things to do at white sands national park new mexico el rey motel

[evansbuck-ley]

anyway

tommy is a soccer coach dad. he gets dragged into it on day when they are both watching henry play and jeremy’s dad gets served divorce papers in front of everyone and runs off the field to call his wife. tommy wasn’t sure about it at first but by the end of the game he was in the swing of things. in fact that he gets a little too into it. he makes all the parents t-shirts with the teams name printed on the front and their kids name printed on the back and demand they wear them every single game. he makes sure he has snacks and drinks readily available for the kids. they have group huddles and game plans and tommy gives motivational speech’s. he cheers, he screams, he laughs and cries and people think he is insane bc no one ever wins because they are six.

whereas buck is a pta dad. when both of their kids are in school he signs up for it almost immediately. he goes to every meeting, helps organise every single school event. he send weekly emails to all the parents giving them updates on the going ons of the school. he organises the bake sale and goes all out because he will not lose to that bitch carol again even though she hadn’t won for three years in a row now. he even gets appointed president of the pta and holds that title until both henry and rosie are out of school.

also they are both chaperone dads. when henry starts high school they both sign up to be chaperones to the school dances. his freshman prom, henry nearly dies of embarrassment, bc when he is trying to have his first kiss with a very pretty cheerleader his dads are stood in the sidelines cheering him on.

[itsnotgray]

We're living different lives

Heaven only knows

If we'll make it back with all our fingers and our toes

Five years, twenty years, come back

It will always be the same

For the first time since the end of August, all of the Fantilli siblings would be under one roof. Albeit, only for three days, but it was three days that they were determined to make count.

Luca was the first to fly home, following the conclusion of the first semester. About a week later, came the twins. First was Gianna, who left straight from the rink in Nashville (as Luca could tell by the wet hair she was sporting), nearly forgetting to even tell her teammates she was leaving, eager for whatever scraps of time she could get with her family.

The minute his baby sister stepped off that plane, it was as if someone had lifted the weight of the world off his shoulders. He threw his arms around her, smothering his face in her hair as he inhaled the scent of the shampoo she’d been using since she was 14. Gianna returned the sentiment, clinging onto her older brother as if he was the only thing keeping her afloat. “Lu,” she cried into his shoulder, the relief of being reunited with one of her brothers, one of the people whose presence had been so distinctly woven into her life force, that the past few months of separation has been akin to torture, making it’s way to the surface. “Gi,” he said soothingly, tilting her head back so he could wipe her tears, the same way he used to when she was learning to skate all those years ago. A watery smile made its way onto his face as he uttered the words he’d been rehearsing for the past week, “Welcome back sorella.”

At the familiar term of endearment only her family was privy to, she launched herself at Luca, her arms encircling his neck as she began crying again. At last, her tears dried up, and she unpried herself from her Luca, mostly at the insistence of her stomach. “Now, can I go grab a snack before Mo gets here? I’d wait, but I haven’t eaten since before the game yesterday,” Gianna questioned while quickly taking out her phone to make sure her face wasn’t too terribly swollen from the tears she’d just shed. “Sure Gi, go ahead,” he responded while glancing down at his phone to check for any updates from Adam. A few beats of silence passed, before Luca glanced up, confused as to why she hadn’t walked away. He locked eyes with Gianna, who stood there awkwardly, rocking back and forth on her heels. “Do you want anything?” She questioned, voice as earnest as it always had been. He shook his head softly, and she quickly pivoted on her feet and made her way to the nearest coffee shop. Luca stared after her, a small smile on his face- it was like the old days. As long as he ignored the looming feeling of dread, dread at the fact that their time was limited, that she and Adam (who wasn’t even here yet) both left in two (technically three) days, he could pretend it was just like the old days.

Around an hour later, the third piece of their puzzle was getting off of his flight. Luca shook Gianna awake, who had fallen asleep on his shoulder shortly after returning with her snack, and barely got out the words, “Mo’s flight just landed,” before she shot up out of her seat, as if pure caffeine had just been injected into her veins. Without haste, Gianna threw herself to her feet, before quickly turning around and yanking Luca to his. “C’mon Lu, be ready- wait, which direction will he be coming from?” She spoke, the words rolling off of her tongue, too fast for her brain to comprehend, excitement taking over her body at the prospect of finally being in the same place as both of her brothers. “Should come from the left, if I scoped out the place correctly,” he said while wrapping an arm around her shoulders, as if to hold the girl back from sprinting to Adam the second she saw him.

About twenty minutes pass, before finally, Gianna catches a glimpse of the “stupid and entirely unnecessary” beanie she forced Adam to wear, so they’d be able to spot the boy from a distance. “Lu I think see him,” Gianna expressed excitedly, the girl beginning to bounce up and down on her heels, Once Adam got within a few feet of the pair, both siblings took off towards Adam, wrapping him in what their parents (who had elected to stay home, both to give the siblings time to reunite, but also to get some sleep- which they knew would be hard to do having all of their babies under one roof again) would call a “Fantilli take-down,” mostly because, had Adam not planted his feet on the ground in preparation, he easily would've fallen straight to the airport ground, which he was not about to do. The moment he felt the arms of his siblings encase him, he dropped his bags to the floor and wove his arms around someone, though he wasn't sure who, because their three bodies were so intricately woven together in this moment, it was impossible to tell where Luca ended and Gianna began. He tried to force a few words out of his mouth, but the emotional shell shock at finally reuniting with his best friends had seemingly made his brain short circuit. Yet, there was no doubt that the silent sobs that wracked his shoulders, and the tears on his cheeks said all of the words he couldn’t.

For this one brief moment, it was like the world stopped. For the first time in about four months, the pieces of the tattered, kindred spirits that resided in the each of three siblings, were at peace. At that moment, they were one soul, split into three hearts.

[ewanmitchellcrumbs]

Rev. 22:20 - Chapter Three: Pray

Warnings: Talk of religion, angst, sexually suggestive language. Word count: ~2.5k

Summary: The novice deals with Aemond's presence in the sept.

Author's note: I do not have a tag list. Please follow @fics-by-ewanmitchellcrumbs and turn on post notifications to be updated when I post a fic. Community labels are for cops.

She cries all the way to King’s Landing, the words of her father echoing in her mind.

“Be grateful your fate does not lie with the Silent Sisters.”

Keeping her tongue in her head is a small mercy. She’ll be stripped of her House name, her status, her possessions, everything she has ever known is being taken away, all for a life in service of the Seven.

Her family aren’t even particularly pious, they just don’t know what else to do with her. Not now, anyway.

She sobs, head bowed as her father delivers the news with a withering sigh. She feels as though she is being treated as a matter that must be dealt with, a task to be struck from a list.

“I am your daughter!” She wants to scream. Instead she says nothing, helpless to the dissolution of her familial ties, forced to watch as the foundation of everything that makes her her crumbles away to nothing.

The Septa that is there to greet her upon her arrival is cold and stony faced. She spares but a mere glance around the vastness of the city that sprawls out around her, her senses jarringly alight from the sights, sounds and smells that are so different from home, before she is ushered inside.

The modest building hosts a series of simple, sparsely furnished rooms, which house the Septas not in service of noble families. Each room has a narrow single bed with a Seven Pointed Star above it, nothing more, no space for personal effects, not even a window to the outside world. This is home now, and it feels desolate.

She is stripped of the clothes she has travelled in, they are taken away and she never sees them again, the final remnants of her identity cast away, much like she has been.

Her hair is washed and her skin scrubbed raw, an act that feels as though it is as much to punish her as it is to cleanse her. She is grateful at least that the robes she is given to wear aren’t scratchy, though much more drab than what she is used to. She is not given the seven coloured cord to tie around her waist, or a pendant. It will be a year until she earns those.

Training begins in earnest. Gone are the days of lazy mornings breaking her fast on lemon cakes and honeyed wine. She is woken before the sun has yet to rise, forced into prayer, before being given a watery looking bowl of what she assumes was once oats.

She is tutored on every matter of the Seven. Considering she has never been especially religious, she learns fast, the rod that the Septa brings down upon her knuckles each time she falters or makes a mistake ensures that. By the end of the first week their names irreversibly etched into her brain, the throbbing in her hands serves as a harsh reminder.

Maiden, Mother, Crone. Father, Warrior, Smith. Stranger.

She is allowed nowhere near the Sept for the first six months of her training. The work she is given is back breaking and mind numbing. Washing robes, sweeping floors, preparing food, by the time evening prayer arrives each day she is too exhausted to think. She wonders if the reason that Septas are so devout in their beliefs is because they have been broken down to be too tired to ponder anything else.

Though she adapts quickly to her new way of life, she clings to her anger like a lifeline. It is the only thing she has left that is truly hers, it stokes the fire within her that means she is able to face the monotony of each day. It prickles at her insides as she spoons the tasteless broth of her evening meal into her mouth, resentful of the fact that at the same time her family are hundreds of miles away feasting on roasted meats and freshly baked bread.

Over time, thoughts of her old life fade, but her anger remains the same. When she bows her head in prayer she does not offer up thanks to the Seven, but questions why they have allowed her life to come to this.

She is taken aback by the sense of gratitude she feels when she is finally permitted to enter the Grand Sept. She feels wonder at the way the sunshine streams through the windows, the shadows the icons cast from its light are long and imposing. The vastness of the expansive, echoey space offers a sense of freedom that the confines of the sleeping quarters do not.

It is with quick realisation that she finds it is simply appreciation of the change of scenery, her relief short lived as she is put to work once more sweeping floors, replacing spent candles and tidying up after people that have come to worship.

She is tasked with the duty of taking daily confession, an important stepping stone in her training towards becoming a Septa. There is a part of her that swells with pride at taking on the additional responsibility, it is tangible proof of the fact that she is advancing, recognition of her hard work and ability to memorise and apply the prayers and scripture she has been taught.

It is not until she is actually inside the box that she realises that this is simply further torment. If she is lucky, she will sit through the mild mannered, yet inane ramblings of smallfolk with nothing better to do. If she is unlucky, and frequently she is, it will be someone who leans too close against the partition, the stench of stale ale upon their breath making her wish they’d thought to chew some sage before entering.

The rules for while she is in the Sept are strict. She must never venture beneath, it is where the dragons nest and is out of bounds to her. She must never speak to those that come to worship, unless they speak to her first.

She is told that the Queen enjoys visiting once a week. On the days of her visit, she must not stare, or disturb her prayers and remain silent unless asked a question.

The first time she is ever present for Queen Alicent’s weekly prayers, she does exactly as she’s told. She keeps to herself, moving about the chancel, replacing the spent candles with fresh ones.

She can feel herself being watched and tries her best to ignore it, though in her periphery she sees the tall, silver haired figure dressed in black, knelt beside his mother. She can tell from the patch that covers his eye that it is Prince Aemond.

She wonders why he stares at her so intently, feeling herself grow hot and uncomfortable beneath the intensity of it. Is she doing something wrong? Could she expect a scolding from one of the Septas later regarding some perceived slight?

It annoys her that if she is not permitted to stare, the same rules don’t apply to him. She is not in a position to challenge it, however, so simply continues her duties under the weight of his scrutiny.

When they finally finish their prayers and turn to leave, she chances a glance upwards in their direction. Her breath catches in her throat when she meets the piercing gaze of the One Eyed Prince. She feels like an animal caught in a snare with how he looks at her, yet she finds herself unable to look away.

Lingering beneath the hunger of his gaze is something else, she recognises it, she has seen it in herself. There is anger, white hot and tempestuous, it stirs unrest within her. Unable to bear it any longer, she finally looks away. And then he’s gone.

She pushes Aemond from her mind for the rest of the week. A spoiled Prince is the least of her worries, especially when getting to the end of each day feels like such a colossal effort. Yet each night as she drifts to sleep, her dreams are haunted by the intent behind his unwavering stare. It frightens and excites her and she awakens with a pounding heart and stickiness between her legs.

The following week, the morning of the Queen’s usual visit, she is plucked from her usual duties by a Septa who tells her she is to meet with the Queen. When she’d usually be sweeping the stone floor of the Sept, she is being scrubbed with the same intensity she was upon first arriving in the capital.

There is no time to think of who will be checking and replacing the candles, as she’s guided towards the Queen. Kind brown eyes and a warm smile greet her, though it is clear that this is a conversation that will be about her, rather than one she’ll be included in.

She stands very much on the sidelines while the Septa and the Queen discuss her various attributes, she simply nods and smiles, feeling like she is livestock being displayed at a market.

A shiver runs down her spine when the feeling of being watched returns and when she bows her head, sparing a glance to the side, he’s there again watching her. He hovers by a pillar, his posture rigid, eye fixed upon her unblinkingly.

His gaze is more heated than before, and she’d feel frightened were it not for the two women standing beside her. He looks as though he wants to devour her, and his mere presence renders her unable to concentrate on the rest of the conversation between the Septa and Alicent.

She’s grateful when the Queen takes her leave, assuming Aemond will have gone with her, yet the feeling of unease never fully leaves her. She can still feel his presence, it’s like an apparition that shrouds her every movement.

When it is time for afternoon confession, her fluttering nerves have quieted somewhat, replaced by the feeling of obstinate boredom that accompanies listening to the trivialities of the smallfolk.

She settles into the booth, a shadow passing over the partition as someone seats themselves beside her.

“Blessings be upon thee,” she greets them, “are you here to confess?”

They draw in a hesitant, nervous breath. “Y-yes, I am here to confess.”

His voice unnerves her, it is soft and saccharine, yet there is a sinister edge to it, like being coaxed to one’s death on the dulcet notes of a lullaby. She pushes the thought from her mind, trying her best to remain calm.

She has been trained for this. It is not uncommon for people to feel shame or apprehension when making a confession. She does her best to encourage the man, keeping her tone soft. “Then unburden yourself to me, and be cleansed of your sins.”

Another pause. She allows him a moment to collect his thoughts.

“I-I covet what my brother has, and I am resentful that as first born he is given everything and squanders it.”

Not particularly scandalous, she offers up simple advice, hoping it will be enough to sate the man seated on the other side of the partition. “You must pray to The Smith for the strength to overcome your jealous nature.”

She is surprised that he doesn’t immediately get up and leave. Most usually give thanks and make a swift exit, believing themselves to be absolved of their sins. He remains seated, and she hears him speak again.

“I harbour ill intent towards my nephew. I have never forgiven him for taking my eye. I wish for his in exchange.”

She cannot help it, but she gasps. There is only one man in all of Westeros whose eye has been taken by his nephew - it is a tale told in hushed tones in every feasting hall from Oldtown, all the way to White Harbor.

Prince Aemond sits beside her, the same man that has gazed upon her with hunger in his seeing eye. A partition is all that separates her from him.

Is this a test? Will she get into trouble if she does not treat him as she does everyone else?

“Pray…pray to the Father for the wisdom to accept the justice you will never receive, and to the Warrior to have the valour to forgive such a slight.”

Why won’t he leave?

“I have been having lustful thoughts…about a woman, a novice from this very Sept.”

She swallows thickly, her heart hammering wildly against her ribcage, closing her eyes as she draws in a steading breath.

I can’t. I can’t. I can’t.

“I imagine taking her virtue on the very altar to which the people of King’s Landing offer up their prayers, I think about how she’d feel writhing beneath me as I rut into her, I–”

Her breath escapes her in a whine, fear and exhilaration heating her blood, causing her pulse to race. She feels trapped, this isn’t fair. 

“P-please…” Her voice is trembling, her breathing ragged.

She startles slightly when, abruptly, he stands and leaves without a word. She feels bewildered, dizzy, unable to comprehend what she has heard. Was he playing a cruel joke on her?

She has little time to ponder on it as another person steps into the confession booth not long after Aemond has departed.

The rest of the day passes in a daze, it feels surreal. Perhaps she imagined it? She has grown used to a life of monotony, perhaps this is her mind’s way of creating excitement.

For another week, Prince Aemond plagues her dreams. This time it is more than just his stare she sees. His words come to her, clear as day, “I have been having lustful thoughts”, yet when she turns to look, his words are coming from a looking glass, and it is only herself she sees.

She is quietly surprised and, deep down, a little disappointed, when the day of the Queen’s visit arrives and this time it is not Aemond that accompanies her. A young, fair haired woman with a dreamy look about her hovers by Alicent’s side, her posture slouched. Alicent’s daughter, Princess Helaena, she assumes. She wonders where her younger brother is today. 

There is quiet relief to be found in the absence of his oppressive gaze, yet she cannot help the sense of dread that settles into her gut, there is something foreboding about the lack of his presence.

She has a feeling, something in her bones, that tells her he’ll appear to her today, she just isn’t sure when. As the day presses on, impatience takes over her, a restlessness guides her actions as she goes about her daily tasks, a feeling of yearning, fear, anticipation.

Hope has all but left her when she retires to bed that night, changed out of her robes and into her nightgown, settled beneath her blanket. She is about to snuff out the candle when a flash of silver hair shifting in the shadows of her doorway catches her eye.

“I knew you’d come,” she whispers quietly.

Chapter two || Chapter four || Series masterlist

[aftgficrec]

Hi! Thanks so much for doing this i have wanting to catch you open for so long!! How are you? I hope you have a good day!

I was wondering if there were any fics focused on neil and mary/neil and Nathan? Like his emotions, thoughts, etc, and the things he went through bcs of them/how they still affect him even now? Thank you so much in advance!

Our poor traumatized Neil! Yes, there is much to explore on this topic. -A

most previous asks lead to more recs:

angsty bad days for Neil here

Neil with ptsd here

more Neil with DID here

Neil cries, comforted by Andrew/foxes here

Neil says ‘it’s fine I’ve had worse’ here

Neil’s scars 2 here

scars and healing here

Neil goes to therapy here 

Neil attempts suicide here

‘You're Wonderful’ here

‘Hold My Hand?,’ ‘I'll Still Solve You,’ and ‘Fear (but not of you)’ here

‘The Books of Baltimore’ series: ‘Ghost of You’ here, ‘Run to You’ here

‘the upswing’ (completed), ‘please (don't bite),’ ‘Will you love me for who I am…’ ‘To be safe,’ ‘Safe with him,’ and ‘i called your name ‘til the fever broke’ here 

‘my friends and I…,’ ‘Pasts Intertwined,’ ‘My Stomach is a Wasteland,’ ‘side effects may vary’ ‘Bad Apple,’ and ‘You Are So Much More Than Your Father's Son’ here 

‘Medicated rabbits don't run as fast’ here

‘Broken Symmetries’ and ‘No More Fucks To Give’ (updated) here

‘24 Floors’ here

‘A Quiet Little Seedling,’ ‘If I Knew You,’ and ‘Step By Step’ here

‘slow down (you crazy child),’ ‘Make a Home’ (updated), and ‘make me a promise’ here

‘Dreamed in red’ here

‘...Just Us, and Y(our) Friend Kevin’ here 

‘Nothing Mattered Until You’ here (jeanneil)

amputation or permanent leg damage:

Neil's legs (the fucked up edition) here and here

Neil dies/amputations in Baltimore here

‘La jetée n'est plus loin’ here

‘I’m More Than This Body of Mine’ here (completed)

‘Next to You’ here

‘Rare pair hell series’ part 9 here

‘Live for you / Stay for me’ here 

‘“I pick up daddies at the playground.”’ here

‘lie to me (for i do not wish to live the truth)’ here

‘White Hands’ and ‘If Neil, Then Fox’ here

‘(don’t fear) the reaper’ here

‘Under the kitchen lights…’ here

‘Point Nemo’ here

‘Lifelines’ here

‘does the dog die at the end’ here

you may also like:

Neil runs after joining the foxes 2 here

andreil on the run from the mafia here

soulmates who feel each other's pain here

Mary/Nathan's people come back here

Mary tries to take Neil from the foxes here

Neil kills Nathan here

tell me where i came from, what i will always be by geeseproblems [Rated G, 317 Words, Complete, 2021]

She lives in his body like no other.

tw: implied/referenced child abuse, tw: canonical character death

Down with Something by pawnofkings [Rated T, 3051 Words, Complete, 2021]

Neil is sick, and he does his best to keep anyone from finding that out. He collapses in the middle of practice.

tw: implied/referenced child abuse

you asked for this by Anonymous [Rated M, 790 Words, Complete, 2022, Locked]

Neil Josten and guilt

tw: implied major character death, tw: child abuse, tw: emotional abuse, tw: blood, tw: negative self talk

A reflection or a lie by ShadowDolphin [Rated G, 839 Words, Complete, 2022]

Sixteen year old Neil Josten has an identity crisis cuz depersonalization is a wonderful thing that exists and he doesn't feel real

tw: implied/referenced child abuse

i know you'll take me with you by lil_macaroon [Rated T, 6129 Words, Complete, AFTG Mixtape Exchange 2023]

Neil has feelings that make him want to run. The only thing that keeps him at Palmetto State, hell, what keeps him in South Carolina, is the promise he made when Andrew asked him to stay three years ago. Unable to run, it all keeps building within him until one day, Andrew puts him in the car, and they go.

keep your head above the water (I can’t) by drewdrop44 [Rated T, 1156 Words, Complete, 2022]

The feeling of water moving over his head, swallowing him whole. Neil woke with a scream trapped in his mouth.

tw: drowning, tw: implied/referenced child abuse, tw: violence, tw: nightmares 

It's a punch and a kiss, I'm trying to remember by beckdarkthrone [Not Rated, 18604 Words, Incomplete, Updated June 2024]

He has a hold on himself as Neil, as Abram, as Nathaniel.. Until he doesn't.

tw: graphic depictions of violence, tw: implied/referenced child abuse, tw: implied/referenced torture, tw: dissociative disorder, tw: blood, tw: implied/referenced rape/noncon, tw: implied/referenced self harm, tw: internalized homphobia

NB: this author has a podcast with aftg-centric episodes; check out ‘So You Think You Like’ on spotify.

We're all Monsters Here by serene_chaos [Not Rated, 892 Words, Complete, 2022]

"I am part of the slaughter house. I feel that makes me more of a monster than you.” “Don’t look at me to absolve you.” Andrew flicks his cigarette towards Neil. Sparks landing inches from Neil’s hand. OR Neil doesn't think Andrew is a monster, but thinks he might be.

tw: childhood trauma, tw: implied/referenced abuse, tw: implied/referenced torture

Who Am I to You? by serene_chaos [Rated M, 91907 Words, Incomplete, Updated April 2024]

Neil Josten was born with violence in his blood and raised as a weapon to hide in plain sight. And then he finds himself surrounded by foxes and his usual survival tactics ruined by a five foot goalie. The whole mobster mafia problem isn’t helping either. -- Cue a Neil who cares a little less, a past raven, and potentially a little something more to live for.

tw: attempted rape, tw: graphic depictions of violence, tw: murder, tw: implied/referenced child abuse, tw: attempted nonconsensual drug use, tw: panic attacks, tw: flashbacks, tw: homophobia, tw: alcohol abuse/alcoholism, tw: animal abuse, tw: implied/referenced self harm 

you will always be my favorite form of loving by something_boring [Rated T, 15831 Words, Complete, 2024]

5 times the Foxes tried to take care of Neil and 1 time they didn't have to.

tw: implied/referenced child abuse, tw: implied/referenced torture, tw: panic attacks, tw: nightmares, tw: alcohol abuse, tw: blood, tw: vomit, tw: violence, tw: bullying

pain our brain has made by pipedreamaddy [Rated M, 16052 Words, Incomplete, Updated July 2024]

Neil and his discovery that he has trauma-induced migraines because we all know how he neglects his health. Between everything else going on with him, a migraine seemed very minor to him. But now that he is in a healthy, safe, and loving environment where he is thriving, he can take care of himself—theoretically speaking, at least. Or the fic where Neil finally gets the healing that he needs.

tw: needles, tw: implied/referenced abuse, tw: childhood trauma, tw: implied/referenced torture,  tw: flashbacks, tw: ptsd, tw: implied/referenced rape/noncon, tw: implied/referenced self harm, tw: implied/referenced murder

Keep Your Head Down and Don't Look Back by Capheira [Rated G, 775 Words, Complete, 2024]

Neil has spent most of his life running from his past but perhaps this time he was a little too efficient.

tw: implied/referenced child abuse, tw: panic attacks

Scars Like Stars by Kory_Rory [Rated T, 3429 Words, Incomplete, Updated June 2024]

Neil deals with his trauma by biting himself while being completely oblivious to the harm he's putting himself through. But it's okay cause the foxes are there to help him :)

tw: self harm, tw: body dysmorphia, tw: implied/referenced torture, tw: implied/referenced child abuse, tw: negative self talk, tw: flashbacks 

I’m not used to all this water, love (it’s true) by niicowo [Rated T, 1415 Words, Complete, 2024]

Neil never thought anyone could ever love him. His parents never made him feel loved. But then again, what did he know about love? Nothing, he guessed. But one thing he did know was that Andrew loved him. And he just may love him too.

tw: past suicidal ideation, tw: implied/referenced self harm, tw: implied/referenced child abuse

Razor’s Edge by godless_writer [Rated T, 2178 Words, Complete, 2023]

Neil Josten, a caring, shit-talking, striker for the Palmetto State Foxes. Nathaniel Wesninski, a runner, and the son of The Butcher of Baltimore. When Neil thinks that Andrew is in danger after he walks into Kevin and Andrew fighting, his world turns red and those lines become blurred.

tw: implied/referenced torture, tw: implied/referenced murder, tw: dissociation

Don't let me be by Cutie_Wan [Not Rated, 1983 Words, Complete, 2023]

Neil suffers a major dissociation episode in front of the Foxes.

tw: dissociation, tw: self harm, tw: violence

grin and bear it by wlwmlmsolidarity [Rated G, 1221 Words, Complete, 2024]

neil has chronic pain due to lola and tries to just ignore it and push through on a bad pain day, andrew forcefully makes him relax and accept help

tw: implied/referenced torture, tw: chronic pain

NB: includes fanart by @clementinecloudz

scream and yell but i feel speechless by DepressedTerrestrial [Not Rated, 6770 Words, Complete, 2023]

Neil had some unnecessary surgery done when he was younger. No one (including Neil) knows how to handle this except for Andrew (kind of).

tw: past medical abuse, tw: implied/referenced child abuse, tw: implied/referenced torture

Isn't he the monster by DarkD [Not Rated, 16033 Words, Complete, 2021]

On a day when Neil "wakes up" in a particularly bad mood, hearing anyone being cruel to Andrew becomes unbearable to the point that he is on the verge of an explosion.

tw: violence, tw: blood, tw: self harm, tw: dissociation, tw: panic attacks, tw: child abuse

Art

Day 19: bullet and Day 4: stitches art by @thefluffiestbird

Nathan was known for his extravagant parties and incredible entertainment art by @mac-monsters; twitter

Neil & Mary on the run edit by @romanovass

These ouches feel a little rough for a child on the run. comic by @softerstorms

“Don’t you dare be more afraid of me than you are of Andrew” art by @rainbowd00dles 

There’s nowhere to run art by @/tryashaa on instagram

“I’m fine” - *literally dying* art by @/koldangrey_art on instagram

[distantmaniacallaugh]

KINGER WOULD BANG UZIS MOM 3AM UPDATE

It’s three in the morning and I’m thinking about fucking. Norking. Kinger x Uzis mom. I’m. I’ve reached a new low

FACTS about this godforsaken crossover au idea I have now:

Everything happens because Jax accidentally causes a singularity by telling Caine to divide 0 by 69

the resulting explosion blasts the computer they’re in into space

it somehow lands on murder drones planet

Uzis mom finds it and Kinger just. pops out or something

Uzi immediately likes Kinger because he’s genuinely interested in that gun she built

Kinger gives N exactly one scrap of validation, pats him on the head, and N is like “gee gosh thanks sir!” He cries later.

Uzis mom complains about her lack of mobility as a crab thing, Kinger consistently shows sympathy and she’s like. What the fuck. You’re weird. What are you doing stop that. Meanwhile Kingers just like ???’:] ???

kinger ends up repairing her at some point. He’s very gentle, of course. Uzis mom has literally no idea what to do with this.

she doesn’t ask what his name is for. Literal weeks.

forced proximity because they’re trying to fix the computer to get the rest of the cast out?? Uzi tries to help?? Unsuccessfully??

why am I giving this. Plot

oh god

kinger opens up about missing his human body at one point and Uzis mom is just like. You’re a what now.

Kingers like yup. I was human before this. It was nice, I think. I really miss having bones. (She’s reaching for a gun)

He and Kahn play cards together

Kahn is like. Listen. you just treat my wife good now. I failed her and she deserves better than me and I see that but you better treat her right because I sure couldn’t.

Kinger immediately tries to comfort him and shares about his own wife, thinking Khans like, blaming himself for losing her in the first place, when in reality he was just. A coward

Kahn, a coward, never corrects him

They don’t like, wall-e kiss at any point. He ends up falling asleep holding her, and she’s like.,,,,emotions,,,other than..,rage…,oh my god,,,,..,,..

uzi supports all of this and takes bets on when her mom will fuck the weird chess guy. Thad is winning

Kinger teaches Thad how to shoot firearms

he chess-shuffles into a blizzard at one point looking for parts, Uzis mom has to rescue him and give him this full pep talk on how he should get his shit together. And he’s like. I would if I could ma’am (he calls her ma’am because he’s scared of her) (as he should be)

The size difference is enough he can literally hold her in the palm of his hand and that’s a WAY cuter mental image than it should be, what’s HAPPENING to me

Kinger has a full on crisis when he realizes he likes her romantically. And chess shuffles into a blizzard. Again.

Queenie pulls a mufasa lion king apparition from beyond the grave to tell him it’s ok to bang Uzis mom

Kingers like staring up into the sky with icicles hanging off him and just goes *voicecrack* “OkAy!1”

“How would you like being stuck in a hunk of garbage like this!? It’s disgusting!”

“Huh?? I don’t think you’re disgusting at all!”

“Oh come on! You literally wipe down the keyboard every time you use it, and every time you touch me you get oil all over your stupid gloves— just admit you feel bad for me and get on with it!”

if I write any more dialogue this is ending up on ao3

IF I HAVE TO WRITE A 40K ABOUT KINGER BANGING UZIS MOM. I AM GOING TO DIE. GOOSNIGHT

[deadgirlwalking91]

new update - 'thank you for the venom', chapter 4: 'sugar, we're goin' down swinging'

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter 4 Summary

After a hard day, all Lute wants to do is relax in the bath. Alone.

Adam, however, has other plans.

Author's note:

I have a super cool announcement to make - I now have a beta reader! And not just any old beta - she is none other than the most incredible, incomprehensibly talented @branded-rose! She deserves the utmost thanks for being my sounding board, fellow head-canon theoriser, hype gal and all-round legend. Also, if you aren't familiar with her work, close this tab right now and go check her art and accompanying mini-fics out!

I have had the MOST fun writing this chapter. The concept for it has undergone a few transformations in my mind, and I'm glad it's ended up where it has. I hope you all enjoy reading it!

As always, thank you for the comments, likes, reblogs, inboxes and for reading this silly little story <3

***

Lute’s Apartment, Exorcist Training Centre, Heaven

Lute hated being injured.

It wasn’t necessarily the feeling of being in pain that she couldn’t stand. On the contrary, she welcomed the tenderness of every bruise, the sting of every laceration – hell, the dull, aching throb of every broken bone that had been inflicted upon her over her years as an Exorcist. Pain meant she had no hesitations in putting her body on the line; she was renowned, after all, for her reputation as an unrelenting, unstoppable, balls-to-the-wall killing machine.

Her body was heavily adorned with the scars as proof of her status; hundreds of faded gold marks of varying sizes were flecked upon her otherwise pale skin. Each healed wound beheld a gory reminder of her battles and triumphs.

No, what irked Lute was the unwanted attention that she attracted whenever she sustained an injury. Thankfully, due to her recent refocus on physical conditioning, there were no weapons being handled and therefore, there should have been minimal opportunity for anybody to come into harm’s way under her guidance.

There was just one variable that Lute hadn’t accounted for: her dickhead boss.

What the fuck had Adam been thinking, tackling her so suddenly during that afternoon’s training session? One minute, she’d been pointing out common weak spots to hit on a Sinner’s body to expose their vulnerabilities, and then the next she’d unexpectedly been crushed by him. Her right hip and lower back had taken the brunt of the fall as he’d grabbed her around the torso, pinned her arms against her body and drove her into the floor with a force so great she’d been winded before she hit the deck.

Then, her sisters had shrieked, screamed – there may have even been one who cried, there usually was when someone hurt themselves – and crowded around her as she lay on the hardwood floor, dazed, confused and completely smothered by Adam’s considerably larger frame.

“Get off her, Sir, she’s not breathing!”

“I-is…is she dead?”

“Lieutenant, are you alright?!”

“Are you fucking kidding me, Commander?! What the fuck was that?!” Thank God for Vaggie, who had elbowed her way to the front of the gaggling group and stood, hands on hips, glaring at the angel who lay atop her friend.

“Out of line, Vagina,” he had drawled lazily, finally pulling himself up to a standing position. “You owe me burpees for that.”

“I don’t owe you a thing after the bullshit you just pulled,” she’d snapped back, helping Lute stand to her feet. “Ladies, back up, she’s coming through.”

“Thanks,” Lute had managed to grunt, shuffling away from the crowd as quickly as she could so they couldn’t see the golden flush of humiliation that had started to warm her cheeks. There was only one thing that she hated more than being injured, and that was being embarrassed.

Luckily, the colour of her face had returned to normal by the time she’d knocked on Sera’s door to report that training had been cancelled for the rest of the day. She’d even come up with the perfect excuse: the Exorcists had made such remarkable progress with their strength training she was giving them the rest of the afternoon off as a reward while she made some adjustments to their schedule.

Too bad her hip and lower back had started burning by that point – not to mention the feathers of her wings were incredibly ruffled, a dead giveaway that she’d been involved in some kind of mishap. Sera, astute as ever, noticed her limp and disgruntled appearance and had demanded to know what had happened. And it wasn’t like Lute could lie to the Head Seraphim.

At least, not off the cuff.

And so, she found herself fumbling for her key outside her apartment door, ordered to rest up for the evening lest her injuries worsened.

Oh, she was going to rest up, alright. Today’s events called for a bath so damn hot her skin would burn brighter than the surface of the sun, a glass of wine in one hand and steamy novel in another. She’d slip beneath the bubbles of her bath and into the pages of her book, with zero plans to re-enter reality for at least three – no, maybe four hours.

At last, she felt her apartment key in bottom of her bag. Sighing in relief as she entered her immaculate personal sanctuary, she softly pushed the front door back towards its frame without looking, kicking her trainers off as soon she was fully inside. Hanging her bag onto a hook in her entryway, she made a beeline for her small kitchen – specifically, for a bottle of red wine she knew she’d had stashed away at the bottom of her pantry for emergencies and unexpected visits from Vaggie.

After the day she’d had, this was absolutely classified as an emergency.

Ignoring the burn that seemed to now consume most of her lower body, Lute located a wine glass and unscrewed the lid of the bottle, pausing to take a long swig directly from it before filling her glass.

Classy.

Sipping her drink from its intended vessel, she plucked a candle off her coffee table and wandered into her bathroom to start preparing for her date with her bathtub.

As Lute sat her glass and candle onto the counter, she caught her reflection in the mirror. God, she looked like she’d had a day – though, to be fair, she’d had the absolute wind knocked out of her only a few hours earlier. Her platinum hair, half of which had been twisted into a small knot on top of her head, had loose strands starting to fall around her face. The bun was askew, leaning more towards the right and threatening to unravel any minute. If her little altercation hadn’t been so public, it wouldn’t be so farfetched for one to imagine she’d been sandwiched between her boss and the floor for a different reason.

Snorting in disgust to herself at the mental image she’d painted, she released her topknot and leant down to turn on the bath mixer, nudging the lever closer to the right until the water temperature was practically scalding. Perfection. She plugged the bath and turned her attention to the unlit candle.

She’d forgotten the lighter. Dammit. She walked gingerly back out into her living area, peeling her crop top up and off over her head, letting it fall to the floor somewhere near the bench of her kitchen, her socks following. Usually, she’d never allow herself to leave stray items of clothing around her apartment, but she was so hyper focused on getting into her bath she was willing to break her own rules - just this once. Besides, she’d tidy up before bedtime anyhow.

After she grabbed the lighter from an overhead cabinet that was just out of reach, requiring a little assistance from her wings, she set back to the bathroom to light her candle. The calming combination of rose geranium, bergamot and patchouli filled her bathroom almost instantaneously; the smell reminded her of the one and only time she’d allowed Vaggie to drag her to a day spa for a massage and to get her wings preened.

It was a one-time event because, as it turned out, strangers touching her body made her skin crawl and she couldn’t bring herself to relax, even if the aim was to help relieve years of built-up tension, stress and physical exertion. Getting her wings preened was even worse; the therapist kept running her fingers through all her sensitive spots, which made Lute squirm uncomfortably throughout the entire session. Neither experience was what she would call enjoyable.

The only good thing to come out of that disaster was the candle she’d purchased to reassure Vaggie the day hadn’t totally sucked.

She took another sip of wine and looked back in the mirror, turning to see if she could see any obvious signs of bruising on her body. She pulled the waistband of her leggings down for a better look – ah, there it was, a familiar dark orange patch beginning to bloom directly over her right hip. She leant forward to inspect it further – that was going to be ugly tomorrow – and a repetitive, robotic tune sung from her pocket, breaking her concentration. Probably Vaggie checking in on her, bless her.

Lute dug her hand into her pocket and retrieved her phone, frowning as she checked the caller ID.

Commander Adam.

“Absolutely not.” She hit the red decline button and padded out to her lounge, where she turned her phone off and tossed it onto her couch. Bath time had a strict no-phone policy, and Adam had already ruined enough of her day – she didn’t need him encroaching on her night, too. She shimmied her leggings down her lower half, resting against the arm of her couch to support her body as she bent over and tugged the end of them off her feet.

Clad only in her underwear now – a practical, black, seam-free thong ideal for wearing under workout clothes – Lute headed into her bedroom, where she grabbed the book she was currently reading from her nightstand, closing the door as she turned towards the bathroom. Pausing in the hall to rid herself of her last item of clothing, entered the bathroom, fully naked, shutting the door firmly behind her.

The bath was now full and inviting, bubbles threatening to spill over the edge and onto the white tiled floor, steam visibly rising from its depths and dissipating somewhere just short of the ceiling. Grinning in anticipation, Lute shut the mixer off and turned off the light switch, the flickering flame of the candle providing the only source of light – just enough for her to be able to read. Grabbing her book, she stepped into the hot water, allowing the heat to envelop her completely as she slid down into its warmth, tucking her wings comfortably against her sides.

Sighing contentedly to herself, she opened her paperback up to where she’d dog-eared her page and allowed herself to be fully consumed by the words between the well-loved cover, banishing any thoughts, any feelings, any pain that had arisen from her day out of her mind.

What she was blissfully unaware of was that she hadn’t closed her front door properly.

Or that she’d missed two calls, a voicemail and a text message from her boss.

And that he was on a frantic mission to try and find her.

Right now.

Adam and Lute’s Office, Exorcist Training Centre, Heaven

“You’ve reached Lute. Leave me a message if it’s important.”

“What is the point of having a damn lieutenant,” Adam growled to himself furiously, “if she doesn’t answer her fucking phone when I need her to!” Huffing impatiently, he threw his phone onto his cluttered desk, knocking a ball made entirely of rubber bands onto the floor. Women were always on their phones, why was this one any different?

Because her sole purpose in life is to make everything difficult.

He glowered in the direction of Lute’s spotless desk. This was all her fault. If she hadn’t of approached Sera with her shitty statistics and stupid proposal, he wouldn’t be facing the prospect of a pointless life in less than a year’s time. Sera would have just let Extermination Day continue as it was, and things would stay the same. Stay normal.

And now, he had to figure out a way to coexist peacefully with the she-devil. Pretend to support her ideas. Not lump his paperwork on her. Make small talk with her.

Fuck his life.

“Ribs or wings?” He asked the empty chair. He figured he may as well sound out some practice questions in preparation. “Actually neither, you’d be the type to survive on gross shit like protein shakes and probably don’t know what real food tastes like. Alright…” he cleared his throat. “Uh, what was the last movie that made you laugh? Nah, that one’s dumb, I don’t think you’ve been programmed to laugh or understand humour.” He groaned. “Last one, because I’m starting to feel like a dickhead. Most fuckable member of a band…go!”

Silence.

Adam narrowed his eyes.

“Yeah, you would pick the drummer,” he grumbled, standing up. He reached for his phone and tried calling Lute again. Bitch better pick up, or he’d search every nook and cranny of this complex for her. And once he found her, she’d have hell to pay. Screw the idea of a truce, she was pissing him off now.

“You’ve reached Lute. Leave me a message if it’s important.”

Beep.

“Fucks sake, Lieutenant, pick up your phone!” He hissed. Instead of locking the phone after hanging up, he hit the message icon instead and tapped out a quick text, tongue between his teeth as he concentrated.

Adam: Lt. Call me. That’s an order!!!

He shoved the phone into his pocket and sighed, puffing his cheeks out. Dammit, he really had no other choice but to find her.

If I were her, where would I spend my spare time? No – it could take hours trying to find her. I need a workaround. Someone who would know where she lives.

Adam grinned maniacally, inspiration suddenly kicking in.

“I’m a ge-ni-us,” he sang to himself, taking his phone out once more and tapping on a contact.

“Hello, Adam. Have you calmed down?”

“Me? Pfft. Don’t worry about me Sera, I’m so fine. I’m calling because I really want to apologise to Lute, but she’s not answering her phone. Do you have her apartment number so I can drop by to check on her?” He balled his hand into a fist near his crotch and made an obscene gesture. Check on her, his ass.

Silence.

“Adam.”

“Sera.”

“If I do this in good faith,” her voice was dangerously cool on the other end of the phone, “and I find out that you’ve misused the information I’ve given you, there will be consequences. Understood?”

“Crystal, boss.”

“Her apartment number is 583. I mean it Adam, one more incident from you and I-”

“SweetkaythanksSeraloveyoubossbye!” He quickly hung up the phone before Sera could finish her sentence. He’d deal with the inevitable lecture he’d get for hanging up on her later.

He had a lieutenant to hunt down.

Apartment Block, Exorcist Training Centre, Heaven

It wasn’t often that Adam found himself in a situation that required him to make a mental pros and cons list.

However, Lute had left him in quite the predicament: her apartment door was slightly ajar. Which meant he was likely to find her in there: big pro.

He was also likely to find her in a more hostile state than usual, given the events that had transpired earlier that day: big con.

But, if he went in, he’d be able to propose a truce, which would help ensure the success of the next Extermination: bigger pro.

Also, he could twist his pitch to emphasise that it would make her job easier: another big pro.

Fuck it, that was all the evidence he needed. He was getting impatient. He nudged the door open, expecting a response from inside. Nothing.

“Lieutenant?” Adam called, pushing the door open further and poking his head inside. “You home?”

No answer.

He frowned as he fully entered the apartment, observing the immaculate home in front of him. His colleague lived a truly minimalistic lifestyle – he found it borderline depressing, really. A small TV, two-seater couch and coffee table were all that occupied her living room. No decorative clutter. No prints on the walls. No photos of friends. Clothes on the floor.

He did a double take. Clothes on the floor?!

That… he hadn’t been expecting. Then again, he didn’t take Lute as the type to leave her front door unlocked and open when she was nowhere to be seen.

He strode forward, trying to get his bearings around her apartment based on the trail of her clothes. Crop and socks by the kitchen counter to his left. He walked past the discarded pants next to the couch on his right. A dead end with two closed doors and…something scrunched up on the floor? He bent to take a closer look and bolted upright once he realised what it was.

Her underwear.

Dismayed, he blinked repeatedly at the offending item of clothing on the floor in front of him. This surely had to be some kind of fucked-up fever dream. Because if somebody had told him that during his search for his second-in-command that he’d find himself staring down at her underwear on the floor, he would have thrown them down into the pits of Hell himself.

“Sera must have put some kind of curse on me with her four hundred weird eyes,” he muttered. “This is too messed up to be real.” He took a wide berth, desperate to avoid the offending undergarment, and found himself directly in front of one door, with another to his left. Both were closed.

He tentatively opened the door in front of him, hoping to catch her in bed, asleep. Where else could she possibly be? He knew he’d likely pay for it – she wasn’t likely to enjoy being woken up, least of all by him – but it’d be worth it just to see the sheer panic that would likely cross her face for a brief second before she went off the rails.

However, nothing could have prepared Adam for what was behind that door.

Because, he’d found his lieutenant, alright. In the bathtub, her body illuminated only by candlelight.

Naked.

Adam looked down at her, his eyes widening in horror. Oh no. No, no, no. This wasn’t happening. This was meant to be her bedroom, she was supposed to be asleep and she definitely wasn’t supposed to be fucking NAKED.

He’d opened the wrong fucking door.

“SHIT!”

He clapped his hand over the mouth of his mask, accidentally banging the door completely open in the process, revealing his presence to the wide-eyed angel laying in front of him.

The same wide-eyed angel who, renowned for her reputation as a bloodthirsty killer, had a murderous look in her eyes that he’d never seen before, despite many an excursion down to Hell.

Shit. I’m SO dead.

Lute’s Bathroom, Apartment Block, Exorcist Training Centre, Heaven

“I am going to KILL you!”

The water in her bath had long gone lukewarm, but white-hot heat radiated throughout Lute’s body, starting from her cheeks and spreading rapidly all the way down to her toes. Still seated, she instinctively flung her book to the other side of the room. She desperately grabbed in the direction of her towel with one hand, her other arm pressed tightly against her breasts in a feeble attempt to cover as much skin as possible. She just needed to get this towel around her, sprint to the kitchen, grab the butcher’s knife and-

“Shit!” Adam yelped, turning away from his lieutenant, drawing his golden wings around his middle to protect himself. He hastily began retreating into her lounge, eyes fixed on the front door. At lighting speed, Lute seized her opportunity to stand – an awful squelch filling the room as water sloshed out of the bath onto the floor - and retrieve her towel, hastily wrapping it around her body with one hand, not bothering to dry herself before hurling herself out of the tub towards her superior.

Her wings were weighed down with half of the water from her bath, soaking through her white towel completely so it clung to her like a skin-tight dress. As she ran, enormous puddles of water pooled in her wake, but she didn’t care. Water could be cleaned up anytime.

She had mere moments, however, to violently murder her boss.

With an almighty cry, she launched herself at Adam’s back, still clutching the towel at the top her sternum. Her knee caught him in his lower back, causing him to stumble and trip, face-down onto the carpet of her living room.

“How-” she growled, straddling his upper back with her thighs, knees poking into his armpit, leaning forward so that her free arm curled around the front of his neck, “- the fuck did you get into my house, you disgusting piece of shit?”

“Maybe,” Adam rasped, using both of his hands to pull Lute’s arm away from his windpipe, “you should learn to lock your door, Lieutenant. You left it wide open for all of Heaven to come in and enjoy the show!”

“And you didn’t think it polite to knock?!” she roared. “Or, I don’t know, try calling me first?! What could you possibly want so fucking badly,” she grunted the last word as she squeezed her thighs against his back, bracing herself so she could fend off his hands, which were gradually freeing her elbow from his throat, “that you needed to walk in on me in the fucking bath?! How long were you standing there, perv?!”

Adam groaned in discomfort as her knees dug into his underarms. Lute squeezed harder again as she moved her mouth closer to the side of his head to get close to his ear.

“I am giving you three seconds,” she snarled, ignoring her towel slipping down her chest as she channelled all her energy into closing the gap between her elbow and his neck, “to explain yourself before I choke you to death. I don’t care if Sera casts me down into hell; a life of damnation would be worth it if it meant I got to be the one to end yo-”

Adam’s right hand let go of Lute’s forearm and he braced it on the floor so he could jerk his right shoulder up and over to his left violently, causing Lute to teeter off-balance and fall sideways onto her already bruised hip. She yelped in pain, motionless for a moment and Adam, now free, took advantage of her breather to straddle her thighs, pinning them together with his own. His knees were quickly becoming soaked as he pressed into the wet towel that still clung to her lower body, but he didn’t care. She howled in rage and made to claw at his mask with her free hand before he caught her wrist and held it to the floor above her head, his face only inches above hers. With his other hand, he swiftly untangled Lute’s fist from her towel and brought it up next to her other hand, pinning her down completely.

“Listen here, girlie,” he seethed as she thrashed her legs violently behind him, attempting to use her hips to throw him off. “I didn’t fucking come here to do anything untoward, alright? I needed to talk to you urgently and you weren’t answering your phone. Your door was wide open. What else was I supposed to do?”

“You didn’t notice the trail of clothes on the floor and think I might be otherwise occupied?”

“Oh please, I’ve seen enough thongs to last me an afterlife. Your underwear on the floor wasn’t going to stop me from finding you. Besides, I’d assumed you were in bed, asleep. Hold still you crazy bitch, I need to talk to you.”

“There is nothing you could need to tell me that necessitates coming into my home uninvited - argh.” She arched her back to try and twist herself free, her towel now dangerously close to being rendered completely useless. Frustrated, wet and spent, she let her head drop back against the carpet, her chest heaving with exhaustion. Adam’s eyes flickered downwards, and he grinned devilishly.

“Didn’t realise you gave up so easily, Dangertits.”

“What the fuck did you just call me?!” she hissed. Her cheeks flushed brilliantly as she looked down and realised that he’d snuck a quick look at her cleavage, which was beginning to spill over the top of her towel.

“You heard me, babe. I think that’s what I’ll refer to you as from now on. It really…” he let his gaze trail down to her chest again, before deliberately taking his time to being his eyes back up to hers again, knowing that he was antagonising her now. A wicked gleam etched across his mask. “…suits you. Ready to wave the white flag and hear me out?”

“I’d rather fucking die.”

“Not an option, Lieutenant. Shut up and stop running that filthy mouth of yours for a sec and listen to me. That’s an order.”

Lute glowered at him.

“Let me go.”

Adam snickered. “Not a chance.”

“Now.”

“Nuh-uh.”

“I’ll tell Sera.”

“Tattling again, Lieutenant? That would be twice today. I’ll give you a hot tip, because I’m feeling generous.” He bent his head low against her ear, his forehead pressing against her hair as he whispered into her ear. “I strongly advise you against it. Wouldn’t want the boss thinking you can’t hold your own now, would you?”

Lute shuddered at his closeness – or was the adrenaline starting to wear off and a chill settling in because of the wet towel? It didn’t matter, anyway. He was right. She couldn’t go to Sera again with something like this. It would make her appear weak. Incapable. Not to mention that the whole situation was utterly humiliating, and there was no way she was telling a single soul about what had happened tonight. Not even Vaggie.

“What do you want, then?”

Adam lifted his head back up, so their faces were parallel once more and scoffed.

“Are you kidding me, babe? We’re not having this conversation right now! In case you haven’t noticed, you’re soaking wet – not in a good way, either – and basically naked. We can talk tomorrow morning.”

“Y-you,” Lute gasped, shutting her eyes in disbelief. After all this, he wasn’t even going to tell her. Oh, how she wanted nothing more than to tear him apart, limb by limb. “You asshole. You evil, conniving sonnuva-”

“Nine o’clock. Our office.” Adam released his grip on her wrist and rose to a standing position. He held out his hand to help her up, but Lute swatted it away angrily. He could shove it up his ass, as far she was concerned.

“Don’t be late.” He straightened his robes and headed towards her front door, whistling merrily to himself. Lute pulled herself into a sitting position, readjusting her towel so she was adequately covered once more. She said a silent prayer of thanks that the wetness of the towel meant that it stuck tight to her lower body, ensuring some level of modesty for her during their scrap. She desperately wanted to scream at him, throw something at his head, charge at him again and make him pay for the humiliation she’d just suffered.

But she didn’t. Because, despite wanting to exact her revenge immediately with every fibre of her being, she was overwhelmingly exhausted. At this point, all she had the energy to do was crawl into bed and forget that she’d even woken up this morning.

Adam grinned as he opened the door.

“At ease, Dangertits.” He saluted her mockingly before exiting.

He managed to close the door just in time to hear the TV remote hit the back of the door and clang to the floor.

***

Next time: Lute's suspicious that Adam's trying to poison her.

[riahlynn101]

Connection Terminated

Summary: Overprotective parent or sadistic captor? ¿Por qué no los dos?

@gregorysarmy

Happy New Year! May 2025 be kinder to us all than 2024 <33

---

It happens in an instant. His hold breaks, fracturing a bond that was meant to last a lifetime. A bond that’s there to keep his boy safe. 

To make sure that this boy - unlike his bestest friend - doesn’t meet an untimely fate. 

And it’s broken by a technician. 

The technician is stuck in the VR world, evading The Mimic’s wrath. But that is the least of his worries right now, though he makes a mental note to take his revenge in any way he can. The most important thing is re-establishing that connection with his son. 

That connection could mean life or death. 

Only The Mimic can keep him safe. 

He, like he often does, forces Vanny to do the dirty work. These days, she’s less likely to fight back, giving in with little fuss. Sometimes, The Mimic misses their arguments. He shouldn’t - her constant back-and-forth wasted his time - but being confined to the depths of the pizzeria is boring beyond comparison. And without his son to keep him company, the boredom sets in quickly. 

He paces the room, keeping tabs on Vanny’s whereabouts. Without the connection, The Mimic can’t tell where his son is. Even with the Faz-watch, Gregory’s whereabouts are sporadic. He sends updates to Vanny, but they’re little help. 

He finds himself staring at the empty cot in the corner of the room. 

The very empty cot.

The very empty cot that a certain little boy should be curled up on, sleeping.

The Mimic often wondered why there were so many rules his best friend had to follow. And while many of those rules were likely because of the type of person his creator was, most of them only made sense when he started looking after a little boy of his own. 

Of the most important was bedtime. Gregory gets fussy and temperamental without proper sleep, as evidenced by his snippy behavior tonight. Not that the animatronics didn’t deserve it, but it only goes to prove his point. 

An hour passes, then two, and The Mimic becomes aware of Gregory’s plan to play all the princess quest games. An impossibility - surely - given all the animatronics and Vanny closing in. But the very idea that both his follower and son could very well be ripped away from him, makes him worried. 

He threatens Vanny and Freddy with fire and brimstone, which is a wasted effort on two fronts. One, Vanny is already terrified of messing up. And two, Freddy - just like Gregory - is no longer under his control, at least not at the moment. So, his threat filters through his stupid metal bear ears like the annoying buzz of a dying fly. 

By hour three, The Mimic pictures his son dying because of the carelessness of the animatronics. Moon, in particular, frightens him. The night time daycare attendant has a history of being none too gentle with the kids, and if Gregory’s being difficult, he could employ more “unconventional” methods to get him to sleep. 

The Mimic will rip him in half if that happens, but just the thought that it could, makes him shake with rage. The only good thing that would come of that is the possibility of it triggering Gregory into surrendering back into his control. 

Unlikely, but he can hope. 

He’s about to ascend to the pizzeria to search for Gregory himself, when Vanny proudly exclaims, “got him!” 

And with those two words the entire pizzeria falls silent. Well, besides Freddy’s confused calls for Gregory to come out of hiding, and his son’s frightened cries to be “let go.”

He tunes Freddy out, knowing that his concern will wane by the time the first group of kids arrive in the morning.

The Mimic hurries to the elevator at the end of the hall. He stands in anticipation. 

His son’s cries grow louder. 

His heart breaks a little. Not because he feels bad about keeping a child imprisoned in a dark, dank, foundationally unsafe environment. Nor because he feels guilty for taking away from a childhood, corrupting it. 

No, his heart breaks, because for all the pain he has, and will continue to, cause Gregory, The Mimic can’t stand to hear him cry. He sounds like a kitten. Feeble and weak and needing protection - needing his protection. 

Vanny drags him off the elevator, presenting him to The Mimic like a scruffed kitten. Gregory shakes in her hold, no longer able to put on a brave face. Only small traces of defiance remain in his big brown eyes, glancing up at The Mimic when he thinks the robot isn’t looking. Which is ridiculous, because he’s always watching. Especially now, after the night his son put him through. 

“Gregory,” he starts, taking him from Vanny. He dismisses her with a wave of his hand. He holds his son under his armpits, lifting him until they’re eye level. “I am so disappointed in you.”

“Let- let me go!” His son shouts. Apparently the fire of escape hasn’t left him. The Mimic sighs. 

This is why children need good sleep. Otherwise they think silly thoughts, like they want to escape, or that being forced to room with a decades old robot imbued with the power of friendship and spite is terrible. 

He holds Gregory like a small child. “Time for bed,” he says, making his way back to their shared room. “We can talk about this tomorrow.”

The idea of tomorrow is already exhausting him. All the things he has to get done to reestablish the connection that was lost because of that stupid technician. 

Gregory struggles in his arms, but it’s as fruitless as all his other attempts at thwarting him have been. 

As all his other attempts will be. 

The Mimic tries to calm his child by humming and pacing the tiny room. It helps - a little - but Gregory isn’t one to give up. He fights against sleep, trying to twist out of his arms. It’s not long, though, until the events of the night have finally worn him down. 

He yawns, and his eyes slide close.

The Mimic chooses to hold him for several hours more. Afraid that, if he lets go, his son will disappear.

"I won't lose you. I can't lose you," he mutters, pressing his face into the crown of Gregory's head.

And he won't.

Never again.

[dalamjisung]

Matching Set Masterlist

college!AU

popular!jeongin x introvert!reader

summary: Y/N and Jeongin had been together since birth. Seriously since birth– their mothers were best friends and while hanging out to complain about their never ending pregnancy, bam. Rumor has it that Y/N took a little while to cry, blinking around for a couple of minutes until the gentlest of screams came out of her tiny body. Only later, when the parents got together to congratulate each other, did the mothers found out that Jeongin had been born five minutes before Y/N, and it seemed that her quietness had been her own early way to wait for who would later be her best friend. And as if sharing a birthday wasn’t enough, these two had to share everything else; from their lunch at school to the bed they slept on. Thankfully, as next door neighbors, the trip was minimal.

It continued like this for decades to come, through middle school, high school, and finally, college. Their applications were sent together and their letters came in the same day. Miraculously, they chose different degrees, and for an entire night, Y/N cried to her mom about losing her best friend. Maybe this will be a good experience for you two, she laughed, petting her daughter’s head. But Y/N just couldn’t see a positive side to being without her Innie. Later, they would make a pact– one that vowed to always be there for each other. And he looked so earnest and honest that Y/N just couldn’t understand where that nagging doubt tugging on her heart was coming from…

What happens when these two experience freedom like nothing they’ve ever seen? And what will be of the matching set when they are put apart? Can the lifelong friendship survive the ultimate test of time– college?

update schedule: Every Sunday :D

——————————————————————————————

🌚 chapter one: hyung I’m suing you

🌝 chapter two: fellow clowns

🌚 chapter three: what bothers you, my little freeloader?

🌝 chapter four: forgiven but not forgotten

🌚 chapter five: she doesn’t need me anymore

🌝 chapter six: Mandatory Movie Marathon™️

🌚 chapter seven: delayed reactions

🌝 chapter eight: no turning back

🌚 chapter nine: things are about to change

🌝 chapter ten: another case of innie being innie

🌚 chapter eleven: see you then

🌝 chapter twelve: it’s a date

🌚 chapter thirteen: we need to talk about yesterday

🌝 chapter fourteen

🌚 chapter fifteen 

🌝 chapter sixteen

——————————————————————————————

hi lovelies! I know I have been a bit gone from the fake text scene, but I’ve been working on this for a bit now, and I am really, really excited to share this new story with you all! Han’s story will be going into HIATUS as I’m trying to sort the overall plot and details and will be reworking it after I get my muse back fro Rhythm & Rhyme. Also: there are timeline plot-holes and for that I apologize! Because it’s been a while since I wrote these, there was a mixup with the timeline of all the following stories, so truly, I am sorry-- I’ll do my best to keep everything together neat and tight! Thank you for your love and constant support!

IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO GET TAGGED FOR THE RELEASE OF MATCHING SET PLEASE LET ME KNOW AND I’LL START A TAGLIST!

[correctproseka]

Been thinking about absolutely strong An has been through this event.

- Finds out her aunt died from her uncle after he said her team would never beat RAD Weekend in their lifetime

- Watched her colleagues (EVER, Arata, Kotaru) get decimated in a singing battle SECONDS AFTER by the same uncle who broke the sad news to them (Arata especially getting Shredded from Taiga’s remarks about carrying dreams since he carries Soma’s dream of becoming the best singer ever)

- Later performing against said uncle with her team WHILE STILL PROCESSING NAGI’S DEATH, WHAT TAIGA IS DOING, and other thoughts racing in her head, only to get eviscerated by him sINCE SHES GOING THROUGH A LOT AT THE MOMENT MENTALLY (“Your Aunt’s dead, your team wont ever beat me, lets have a rap battle now!!” - Taiga)

- Seeing said colleagues leave seemingly forever because their dreams have been shattered, only having her own team

- Her father finding them and telling her the whole truth, which included the reason why until now everyone had been LYING TO HER FOR YEARS about Nagi’s condition

AND THIS HAPPENS ALL IN ONE DAY

AND SHE GETS RIGHT BACK UP AFTER A FEW MOMENTS OF GRIEVING NAGI’S DEATH

She gets back up, thats true, but lets make a few things clear.

She only gets back up because she has her team and her dad. If anyone in her team had given up, i dont think she could've handled. And as much as she is rightfully angry at her dad, he is also a good reason she can stay as confident as she is.

Plus, we know that whatever happened was NOT acceptance, well, it kind of was, but also not. You know the stages of grief are.. weird. An skipped denial (or we can count those three years as denial), right into anger- and she unleashed that anger while singing, and is angry at her town and at her dad- and in between anger she has depression, i would say they're both so intertwined you can barely see which is which. She can't bargain, or maybe she's bargaining at herself, she cant fully break down in front of Taiga, or until she learns of everything.

And once she does, more at side cards than in the actual story. Here comes the acceptance, alongside again more depression. You just know she possibly cried herself to sleep that night- if she slept at all. But also, yes, An is strong, but we cant just ignore the fact that she set her feelings to the side enough to cry at a safe place- and that she has her team to lift her up.

Because for one. Nagi is right. If An knew about it before she met Kohane, and before they formed Vivid Bad Squad, An would have given up on music all together, not that she wasn't strong then, she would have gotten over with that situation, probably EASIER without yknow. Knowing it three years later. But also the main reason she was into music would be gone, so what was the point? Now she has more people- and more reasons- to be into music.

Just adding salt to the wound yknow.

Also my headcanon is that after An was. Like yknow, not fighting tears just because of Nagi's name (which took like a full week), Ken took her to the cemetery where Nagi is, which made An cry all over again but helped her mourn since she never had the chance to, he walked away to give them a bit of privacy while An talks to the grave to give Nagi updates about her life and in the end, she feels more determined than ever, she leaves a little drawing of the vbs logo on top of it and goes back more at peace than when she came in.

[hischierdevils]

Moth to a Flame | J.M.

note: inspired by this song

summary: you and john have always been drawn to each other but now it may be too late for him to do something about it

warnings: angst with a fluff-ish ending (it may or may not rip your heart out @rowdyhughesy)

wc: 2.5k

Like a moth to a flame

I'll pull you in, I'll pull you back to what you need initially

It's just one call away

And you'll leave him, you're loyal to me

But this time I let you be

John sits in his computer chair, picking at the arm rest as his mom goes on about something that’s happening in his hometown of North Easton. His brother Paul keeps asking his mother questions, keeping the conversation going so John doesn’t have to, something Paul has done since they were kids. 

The Marino family tries to have a video call at least once a week and it seems like their mom, Jen, feels the need to give the boys an update on every single person in their hometown. There’s only one person that John actually wants to hear about though, and he waits patiently for his mom to bring up their next door neighbors. 

He can still remember the day that you and your family moved in next door to him. It was the summer before third grade. He was outside in the driveway with Paul, shooting pucks at a trash can when a big uhaul pulled into the driveway next door. Their mom had told them that a family bought the house next door and they had a kid the same age as them. They were hoping for another boy to play with. 

They hadn’t expected you to climb out of that big truck and walk right over to them with your hand on your hip. They were both staring at you with mouths wide open as you flipped your hair over your shoulder and gazed at them both appraisingly. “Are you trying to play baseball with that thing?” 

John had looked down at the hockey stick in his hand, wondering how you could confuse it for a baseball bat. Paul, the outgoing twin, was already speaking up. “You’ve never seen a hockey stick before?” 

“Why would I ask if I knew what it was?” You were quick to sass Paul back and John found himself laughing at his twin's expression. No one had ever given it back to Paul like that. 

From that day forward, John was in awe of you. That first summer, more often than not, the three of you playing outside each day ended with you and Paul in some sort of argument. You’d leave to go back to your own yard in a huff but you always made sure to say goodbye to John. 

As the three of you grew up, you and John grew closer than you did with Paul. You confided in him about everything, he was your best friend. Both twins were protective of you as the three of you entered high school but anyone with eyes could see that there was something special between you and John. Both of your parents would even joke about your future wedding.

When John chose to join the USHL during senior year you cried and begged him to stay. You reminded him that he promised to take you to your senior prom. You knew it wasn’t fair, but you weren’t ready to let him go yet. He didn’t want to leave you or his brother, but he chose hockey. Paul ended up taking you to prom.

There wasn’t one big moment when John realized that he was in love with you. He just woke up one day and realized that he always had been. Watching you live your life through social media instead of being with you in person hurt him more than he thought possible. He often wondered who you were confiding in while he was gone. 

You texted each other every day, but he could feel you slipping away from him. You attended Boston College while he and Paul went to Harvard. With his hockey schedule, he couldn’t give you the attention he wanted to or that you deserved, so he never said anything about his feelings. 

“...and I was talking with Michelle the other day…” John snaps out of his thoughts and lifts his head up at the mention of your mom’s name. “She told me…oh I shouldn’t tell you.” Jen purses her lips in a laugh and John leans forward, knowing his mom is keeping something big a secret. 

“Now you have to tell us, Mom.” Paul laughs. “Can’t just leave us hanging like that.” John nods in agreement and their mother laughs. 

“Okay, but you can’t say anything to y/n!” John’s stomach does a little flip at the mention of your name. “Promise me!” Jen looks at her two boys through the computer screen expectantly. 

“I don’t even remember the last time I talked to y/n, ma. It’s been a couple weeks at least.” Paul says. 

John swallows a lump in his throat. “I promise.” He had talked to you just last night on the phone. If you had news why wouldn’t you tell him? Why did he have to hear it from his mom?

“Well, Michelle told me…” John realizes too late that he probably doesn’t want to hear whatever his mom is about to say. “Ethan stopped over the other day and talked with her and Greg. He asked for their permission to marry y/n!” 

John’s blood turns to ice. Ethan. The guy you started dating your senior year of college after John had gone to the NHL. John’s only met him a handful of times and he seems like an okay guy, but marriage? Were you actually going to marry this guy?

“Isn’t that exciting?” Jen prompts when neither boy speaks. 

“Uh, yeah. Great.” Paul is rarely at a loss for words. He glances at his younger brother nervously. John’s never mentioned his feelings for you to anyone but of course his twin knows. “Do you think she’ll say yes?”

“I uh, I have to go.” John says quickly before his mom can answer. He looks around his desk, trying to come up with an excuse and spots his empty container from dinner. “The boys and I are going to dinner.” Paul sees right through him but his mother wishes him well and says goodbye. 

'Cause he seems like he's good for you

And he makes you feel like you should

And all your friends say he's the one

His love for you is true

John can’t help himself and immediately pulls up your instagram, checking to make sure there is no engagement announcement. The last post on your page is a picture of you, him, and Paul at Christmas. The three of you are wearing matching Christmas pajamas and you’re standing between the twins holding up the elf dvd you insist on watching every year. Your caption reads ‘my favorite time of year with my favorite people’. 

The picture before that is a picture of you with your parents sitting at a Devil’s game. You’re wearing John’s jersey and holding a sign that says ‘#6 my favorite baseball player’. He has to scroll a little bit to find a picture you posted of you and Ethan. 

It’s a simple birthday post from last summer, you’re both on a boat. He has an arm around you, smiling at the camera. You’re pressed to his side but the smile on your face doesn’t quite meet your eyes. 

To further torture himself, John clicks on your tagged photos. While you barely post to your instagram account, Ethan and your friends use it regularly. All Ethan posts are pictures of the two of you, some of them are just pictures of you with long captions that read like a love letter to you. 

Your friends have also tagged you and Ethan in pictures. He finds one from Halloween. The two of you are dressed up in what is supposed to be a couple's costumes but he's dressed as Mario and you’re dressed as Princess Daisy. It makes John laugh, thinking of all the times you beat him in Mario Kart as Daisy. He always picked Luigi.  

He puts his phone away before he does something stupid like call you. The two of you talk every day in some form or another but since you ended your late night phone call last night, he hasn’t heard from you at all. Even his good morning text went unreplied this morning. 

Deep down he knew that Ethan had to be a good guy for you to stay with him for three years. He heard from his mom and friends from back home about how well he treated you and how in love with you he was. 

What’s funny is that no one in the last three years had ever mentioned to him how happy you were. If you were in love with Ethan or not. Any time you came to visit John or watch one of his games, you were always with your family or the Marino family. You never brought Ethan. 

Were you going to say yes?

But does he know you call me when he sleeps?

But does he know the pictures that you keep?

But does he know the reasons that you cry?

Or tell me, does he know where your heart lies?

John stayed up longer than he should’ve, hoping you’d call. He never went an entire day without talking to you, even if it was just a quick hello. It was getting close to eleven when he finally started making his way to his bedroom. He had practice in the morning and he could already tell that he was going to be tired. 

He brushed his teeth and then peeled his shirt off. He plugged his phone into the charger and was just about to take his pants off when there was a knock at the door. “Who the hell?” He muttered as he walked toward his apartment door. Mikey and Nate both lived nearby so he assumed it was one of them stopping in although the late hour made no sense. 

When he opened the door, all the breath was knocked out of him. The last person he expected to find standing in his doorway at eleven pm on a Thursday night was you. He could tell you had been crying. Your eyes were puffy and you had red splotches all over your face. The black dress you were wearing was fancy and your bare feet told him that you did at one point have heels on. If he didn’t know any better he’d say you were on the run. 

“Y/n? What are you doing here?” He asks once he finally finds his voice. 

You try to smile at him but end up sniffling. “Hey, Johnny. Can I uh, can I come in?”

“Of course.” He steps aside and lets you in, closing the door firmly behind you. 

You don’t walk very far into the living room, twirling a piece of hair around your finger nervously. “Did I wake you up? I’m so sorry I should’ve called.” You mumble as you take in his half-dressed appearance. 

“No, I was awake.” He can sense your nervousness. “Did you drive all the way here?” It’s about five hours from North Easton to Hoboken with traffic. 

“Yes, I, uh…” You try to laugh but it comes out as more of a sob. “I just got in the car. I didn’t know where I was going at first but then I just sort of ended up here…” You trail off as you look at him, gauging his reaction. 

John keeps some distance between the two of you, keeping his hands in fists at his sides so he doesn’t reach for you. “Did something happen? Are you okay?”

Seeing him so full of concern for you gives you the confidence you need to get your next question out. “Are you and I always just going to be friends?” 

The question weighs heavily on John who opens and closes his mouth a few times before settling on: “What?”

“Ethan proposed to me tonight.” Anger and jealousy hit John at once and your words feel like a physical blow as he realizes the girl of his dreams is going to marry someone else. “He took me to a fancy dinner and ordered a big bottle of wine for the table-”

“Y/n, I don’t want to hear this.” John admits as he backs away from you. Every word you speak is another knife getting stabbed into his heart. “I can’t.” He’s always been a shoulder for you to cry on, but this is too much.

“Johnny.” Your voice is soft and he jumps a little when you place your cold hand on his bare forearm. “He got down on one knee and gave me a long speech about how much he loved me and then asked me to marry him. Do you want to know what I said?” 

There’s tears in his eyes as he forces himself to look at you. Unshed tears are shining in your eyes as well. He’s hoping with everything in him that you said no. 

“I said your name.” You shake your head with a laugh. “This wonderful man got down on one knee for me and the only thing I could think of is the boy I've loved since I was eight years old.”

John stares at you in shock, unsure if he heard you correctly as you start to cry. “Do you want to know the worst part? He forgave me! He still wanted me after I said your name. And what did I do? I ran out of the restaurant. I got in my car and I drove to you.” 

He pulls you into his arms, holding you tightly as you sob into his bare chest. Your words replay over and over in his head as he rubs your back. The only thing I could think of is the boy I've loved since I was eight years old. You’ve been holding on to the same feelings that he had all these years? He realizes that you had five hours in the car to yourself. You could’ve turned around at any point and gone back to Ethan. You chose to come to him instead. 

“Everything’s going to be alright.” His voice is quiet as he tries to calm you down but you still hear him. 

You take a deep breath and pull away from his chest so you can look at him. “There’s something here, isn’t there?” 

John brings his hand up to wipe a tear off your cheek with his thumb. “I think I've been in love with you since that first day when you talked back to Paul.” 

You laugh as you remember the first time you met the twins. “You were always so quiet. I didn’t think you liked me at first until I realized you were like that all the time.” John pulls you into him again, resting his chin on your head as you nuzzle into his chest. “I made a mess of things didn’t I?” You mumble.

“As long as we’re together, we can figure the rest out.” He assures you. 

Tag list: @cellythefloshie @nowandkeiei @hughesmedicine @huggy-hischier94 @diary-of-jj @cole-mcward48

[brf-rumortrackinganon]

Timeline: Part 5 - August 2017

Previously:

2015 - April 2017 | An Update

May 2017 - June 2017

July 2017

This piece features events, press, and PR from the summer of 2017. You will see competing narratives - the Daily Mail leaking Meghan's dossier drip by drip by drip and Meghan's team counterattacking with engagement rumors.

There are two main stories in the royal sphere during this time that we know Meghan is paying attention to, as these most definitely shape her understanding of what it means to be royal: royals taking glamorous summer vacations and daily coverage of Diana's life, the impact of her death, and her lasting legacy to the world.

Fasten your seatbelts!

(Note - this was initially meant to be in the same post as the July 2017 events but Tumblr was having problems saving the post.)

August 2017: Throughout the month, there are frequent articles about the various royal families having glamorous vacations in luxurious tropical resorts. Here is a selection of them:

Charles and Camilla vacationing in Greece on a superyacht.

Felipe and Letizia vacationing in Mallorca.

Prince and Princess Michael of Kent vacationing in St. Tropez.

Mary and Frederik vacationing in Greece on a private yacht.

Princes Caroline of Monaco vacationing with Karl Lagerfield in St. Tropez.

August 2017: Throughout the month, there are tons of articles about Diana as it is the twentieth anniversary of her death. Here's a selection of them. (Most of the ones I've chosen to list here are ones that Meghan most likely paid attention to.)

Diana speaks from the grave to say she loves Kate but doesn't think Meghan is right for Harry. (August 2)

Diana was into alternative medicine and was worried about the royal family taking her children. (August 4; in hindsight, it reads like a Meghan plant.)

Mohamed Fayed still mourns Dodi and Diana, still believes the BRF ordered their deaths to keep Diana from marrying a Muslim. (August 4)

How Diana worked with the paparazzi and knew how to take a good picture. (August 6)

Diana's jewelry collection (August 6)

Diana's Kensington Palace apartment (August 7)

Diana's iconic hairstyles (August 13)

How Diana's shoes charted her happiness in marriage (August 14)

Media preview/announcement of the new Diana documentary, which has footage from/about William and Harry. Their footage in the documentary includes them discussing Philip's "If you walk, I'll walk" promise.

Diana's parenting practices (August 19)

The Queen cried for Diana (August 25)

August 2, 2017: E News (a confirmed Meghan mouthpiece) publishes a timeline of the Harkle relationship, hinting something big is coming for her birthday.

August 3, 2017: Daily Mail begins recapping Suits; in today's episode, Rachel Zane has trouble planning her wedding and her father tells her "Whatever Rachel wants, Rachel gets."

August 4, 2017: Meghan's 36th birthday and she gets the full-court press coverage of her dreams:

Meghan tells E News that she and Doria have been visiting London. They stayed for a week at the end of July when she had a break from filming Suits.

Meghan hints to People that they're engaged, and People speculates about the royal engagement ring.

A timeline is published of how Meghan's celebrity evolved to the sophisticated fashionist she is now.

Harry whisks Meghan away to Africa. She calls the paps, who takes photos of Harry and Meghan being escorted by airport security as they walk on the runway. In the photos, Meghan is carrying two hats and a large paper-wrapped gift. She hints to friendly publications that the wrapped gift is her birthday present from Harry. Speculation begins that Meghan, who is almost always papped carrying a hat or wearing one, uses the hats to signal to the paps where she is (it's a common tactic in Hollywood).

August 5, 2017: Daily Mail publishes a story about all the girls Harry has taken to Africa.

August 6, 2017: It's revealed Harry attended a three-day Google "summer camp" in Italy earlier in the summer. (I couldn't find specific dates for Google Camp, but I found several other articles that suggested Google Camp was the week of July 30, 2017. Also, Oprah Winfrey and Gayle King were at the very same Google Camp that Harry attended...)

Also on August 6, 2017, Penny Junor waxes poetic on how much Harry hs changed since dating Meghan and everything the couple has in common. including how much 'at home' they are in Africa where their celebrity doesn't matter.

August 7, 2017: Dan Wooten advises Meghan to learn from Diana's mistake and not confirm to the firm; she should be unapologetically herself. Meghan gets the cover of Hello Magazine and the Harkles merch their houseboat safari to the Mirror.

August 8, 2017: Laine has the scoop on Harry and Meghan's African holiday and she "speculates" on the timing of their engagement and when they would announce it. Paul Burrell, Diana's infamous ex-butler, says Kate doesn't have Diana's magic star quality and immediately the mainstream British press rises to Kate's defense.

August 11, 2017:

The British public wants William to be King next, not Charles.

The Daily Mail publishes another expose of Meghan and includes the revelation that Trevor thinks she cheated on him in Toronto. This leads to more rumors that Meghan isn't a good fit to the royal family and that she's hiding many more skeletons.

August 12, 2017: Gossip gets printed that Meghan doesn't want to marry Harry and she is only using him to boost her career prospects.

August 13, 2017:

It's confirmed that the ratings for Suits have increased enormously since the Harkle relationship was revealed.

Later, Hollywood industry gossip hints that Suits was "on the bubble" (i.e., in danger of being cancelled) due to poor ratings but the new blockbuster ratings following the Harkle relationship reveal stayed their execution.

The Daily Mail calls Meghan a "princess in waiting," all but confirming an engagement, and continues to drip more information about Meghan in another expose, this one about her relationship with Cory.

Harry gets a 'Hero Harry' PR piece published about his work in mental health.

Meghan leaks to the Daily Star that Harry proposed and she has accepted.

Also on August 13, 2017, Mike Tindall gives an interview in which he speaks about Meghan. He gives her the stamp of approval and says they (he and Zara, but probably all of the Phillipses, including Anne) haven't met her yet. The Daily Mail's story about Mike's comments also includes the first reporting that Harry treated Meghan to a weekend stay at a friend's house in the Hollywood Hills at some point in Fall 2016 (we know now this to be the Beckhams' house, but there some split of opinion on when this visit took place - some say Thanksgiving, some say Christmas, others say it wasn't tied to a holiday). The article also shares some details about the relationship that are inconsistent with their narrative as we know now (and knew back then).

Harry and Meghan had a date at Wimbledon and sat together in the royal box. (Didn't happen, becuase it would've been all over the papers if it did.)

Harry and Meghan spent all of July 2016 and August 2016 apart because Harry was in Africa. Meghan flew to London in September 2016 because she missed him too much. (This debunks the Harkles's own claim that they met in July and that Meghan went to Africa with Harry in August.)

August 14, 2017: The Daily Mail discusses Meghan's ancestry and geneaology; her father's family is Irish and Dutch, her mother is descended from American slaves.

Also on August 14th, the Daily Mail publishes an article about whether it's appropriate to ask someone if they're pregnant. It has nothing to do with Meghan, but it does cause some speculation that the press knows something they're not telling (i.e., Meghan's so insistent pushing Harry to the altar because of a bun in the oven). It's probably a coincidence, but I'll let you decide.

August 15, 2017: The mother of a childhood friend of Meghan revealed that Meghan was obsessed with her video recording of Charles and Diana's 1981 wedding and that Meghan was inspired by Diana's humanitarian work. Serena Williams does an interview and photoshoot with Vogue Magazine, and Meghan is asked for quotes about Serena to use in the story.

Also on August 15, Meghan publishes the "10 Women Who Changed My Life" essay for Glamour Magazine. #7 on her list is the actress Julia Roberts. Later in 2023, it's speculated that Meghan uses Julia Roberts for style inspiration when she wants to appear relatable or is doing an "America's Sweetheart" PR campaign because many of her outfits are copies of Julia Roberts' costumes.

August 16, 2017: British oddsmakers have opened bets for Harry and Meghan getting engaged and when the wedding would take place. The article says Meghan hasn't yet met The Queen.

August 17, 2017: The Daily Mail continues to recap Suits. In today's episode, Rachel Zane rows with Mike Ross over his lies.

August 18, 2017: It's confirmed that William and Harry have cameos as stormtroopers in the new Star Wars film.

August 20, 2017: The royal family is papped at Balmoral going to church. Plant does a three-part feature on how Meghan's PR has completely torpedoed Harry's "Hero Harry" PR and turned him into a rich celebrity.

August 21, 2017: Harry leaks to Camilla Tominey that he picks Meghan up from the airport all the time because he's worried about her security and privacy. The Daily Mail writes that Kate's jewelry collection is a tribute to Diana.

Also on August 21st, a royal blogger writes about Meghan's faith and religious history following conversations she had with Samantha Markle. She concludes that Meghan has never been a faithful person (the Markles aren't a religious sort) and that Meghan has never been baptized or confirmed into any faith, not even Judaism as Meghan claimed she was when she was married to Trevor. Her research indicates that Meghan needs to be baptized and confirmed into the Church of England per royal protocol to marry Harry. This causes discussion in the royal fandom about whether The Queen could withhold consent unless Meghan is baptized and confirmed.

August 24, 2017: Meghan hints to Harper's Bazaar that she and Harry are engaged.

August 25, 2017: Meghan leaks that the African holiday is over and that the trip ended at Victoria Falls.

August 28, 2017: Well-wishers begin leaving flowers outside the Kensington Palace gates for the anniversary of Diana's death. William and Harry later view the tributes (on August 30th).

August 29, 2017: The Cambridges have officially moved back to London and Kensington Palace. William and Kate to be full-time royals as George goes off to school. The Express continues hyping up an engagement.

August 30, 2017

The 100th episode of Suits airs. According to the Daily Mail recaps, Rachel Zane and Mike row again. (They're not a very happy couple, are they?)

The royal family uses the Balmoral Test against prospective new family members. Wallis Simpson bombed it.

William, Kate, and Harry visit the new Diana memorial garden at Kensington Palace. It's Harry's first Court Circular appearance since July 28, 2017, and Kate's last appearance before her third pregnancy is announced.

***********

A couple of things about Botswana in response to some of the royal-watching commentary that I rediscovered on the Botswana airport pap pics:

There was a great deal of special treatment by the airport because they were escorted by airport workers across the tarmac. This is standard practice in most of the smaller African airports. I went to Africa for vacation in June this past year and traveled between several countries. All of the airports we went through (in Johannesburg, Botswana, Zambia, and Zimbabwe), we had to walk on the tarmac to embark and disembark and each time, we were escorted by airport workers for security reasons. The only thing "unique" about Harry and Meghan's security escort was that it was just the two of them on their flight, rather than the 30/40/50-person larger group most of us fly in. (In fact, the only airport where we didn't have to exit the facilities was Johannesburg when we arrived from the US and were departing back to the US.)

There was a lot of "they can't possibly be in Africa now because they're wearing summer clothes and it's winter!" commentary because in the pap pics, Meghan and Harry are in summery casual clothing - shorts, flip-flops, tank top/t-shirt. Botswana doesn't get winter the way we do; their winter feels more like our spring, with temperatures in the 50s/60s. Someone who was used to harsh Canadian winters, like Meghan was at the time, would have thought a Botswanan winter was absolutely balmy and would have been perfectly comfortable in a tank top and flip-flops.