#UBI save me oh my god please

[dadfckr]

:(

[shatterthefragments]

Questions Tag Game

Thank you for tagging me @catholicnicky!

Hmm I'm supposed to tag 20 but I'll tag:

@kiaya, @caffeinatedbraincell, @randofando-spoonie, @cowgaykermit, @boutiquetraveltravelboutique @rhubarbdreams

If you want to play :)

1. Name/Nickname: Shatters <3

2. Gender: *shrugs noncommitedly*/nonbinary fits best

3. Star sign: okay so I took a thing and I'm going to assume that "Sun in Pisces" is this? bc i have no clue any time i look at that :eek:

4. Height: it is to my delight that I can definitely say 5'3" and not actually 5'2"! Bc I'm only a couple inches shorter than a friend and that would mean I'm taller than 5'2"!

5. Time: at the time of this Q: 12:20... ah I should get ready for bed soon... (longer by the time I post this at a little past 1 am)

6. Birthday: Feb. 26

7. Favourite Band: Currently? Maybe Polyphia? Most played currently at least. I've been vibing with Nothing But Thieves, Daughtry (again), 3OH!3 (i know), Florence + The Machine (though I have yet to do a discography playthrough yet), (ok so I'm scrolling through my saved artists for this one), The Neighbourhood, some local bands, and The Pretty Reckless lately.

8. Favourite solo artist: oh dear god. Um. Loving and/or getting back into: Rina Sawayama, Toby Fox, Ichika Nito, Tim Henson, Lil Nas X, King Princess, Hayley Kiyoko? idk it could be a lot more. But for Reasons it currently has to be Lil Nas X <3

9. song stuck in my head: because I caved and got TikTok (derogatory) because of the Chocolate Potato Cake (from 1912!) [and if you didn't just hear that in Dylan's voice you should find it on Youtube it's great] it's Maneskin's Beggin. When that's not recently heard, it varies between many other songs. If I whistle, it's usually a simple march we played in band. Maybe Soda. Maybe the hook from The Worst. Who knows~ not me!

10. last movie: either Waves or Wolf it's been so long since I've watched something. But soon hopefully Hartenstraat!

11. last show: Leverage! When I rewatched it last year or something!

12. when I created this blog: perhaps 2012 or 2013? I deleted most of my blog and started over though at around 15k posts so it may have been before that? But I don't think it was much before 2012 if so.

13. what I post: please tell me fuck if i know aaaaah whatever I see when I pop on when I have the capacity to actually reblog or queue it i guess? mostly related to whatver i'm fixated on <3 (speaking of - draining my queue for the tumblr post+ strike so that'll suck to get filled again afterwards :P)

14. last thing I googled: "Sugar and spice makes everything nice quote"

15. other blogs: theoldguardinshatters is my tog sideblog! I have some other... rather inactive blogs... not really sure I want to share them. Some are straight up empty.

16. do i get asks? not often

17. why I chose my URL: I'm a poet! jk jk (or am I?) but I wrote a poem back in middle school... actually a few versions based off the same premise/line (i was going to see if I could find it but looking back That Far in my blog is like "yeah, there's no way I'm faking my mental illness even when I fear I might be" so I'm just. not. going there. like holy shit maybe i should purge my old posts again...) But if I remember maybe I'll put what I can remember under a cut?

18. following: after swearing I'd never follow more than 100: 304. But many aren't active anymore :( (also literally me 5 yrs ago: 'oh god I follow more than 30 people I'm freaking out, it's too many!')

19. followers: 234, but who knows how many are porn bots I never really kept up back in the day

20. average hours of sleep: ...that is a good question... idk. maybe 5ish when I work and maybe 9ish when I am just me on my own?

21. lucky number: culturally: 8, personally, also: 3,7,13,17,19,23

22. instruments: formerly flute and tenor sax. I haven't exactly kept up oops >.< (so i guess rn I just whistle or hum or sometimes sing)

23. what am I wearing: shorts and a t-shirt

24. dream job: bookbinder, or some other creative pursuit that allows me to work with my hands - cake decorator? other arts? idk. maybe secretary? maybe fancy ass barista/pastry decorator? editor? illustrator? i have no clue please send suggestions <3

25. dream trip: with friends. Not having to drive the entire time. Longer than what I'm currently able to do... maybe a couple months... maybe in europe or asia? maybe just road tripping across canada. idk. It sure would be nice to see them again <3 hopefully camping with one (maybe two?) mid august-ish though! :D

26. favourite food: dim sum (bc I really miss going out with family!), sushi, desserts, pies, quiche, eggs benny, Popcorn, I'm not sure. those are also safe foods texturally usually too though.

27. nationality: canadian, half chinese.

28. favourite song: *shrugs* right now perhaps Soda or The Worst

29. last book I read: ...i don't know... maybe a reread I did of What They Always Tell Us or Martin Wilson's other book We Now Return To Regular Life last year?

30. top 3 fictional universes I would like to live in: ...fuck. I don't know. Most of the fantasy universes I read are fanfic... Maybe.... Waves Cinematic Universe - now that Gabriele has a boat, we could boat! Some universe with wings! A universe with UBI *sideeyes gvmt* Stardew Valley universe! :D

from what I can remember maybe (again - Several Versions of this were written... back in middle school...)

Shatter the fragments to see what's left Release the weight That's on your chest

There's nothing left For you to see Nothing left But apathy

[poorguysheadisdoingwhatnow]

Tiny Dancer part 4

Sorry for the wait, y’all, here’s the next part of @fucking-petticoated-swashbuckler‘s and my fluffy, fluffy fic

Read Part 1 here!

Read Part 2 here!

Read Part 3 here!

There was a perfect, undisturbed layer of fresh snow on the balcony outside when Spot walked through his living room to the kitchen. The sunrise and the lights strung up outside the buildings illuminated each small patch of snow that had yet to be ruined by cars or pedestrians, causing it to glimmer and sparkle elegantly.

Spot made himself an espresso and stared out the window. The roads below were empty and quiet, save for the odd bus or truck; everyone was sleeping in on Christmas, it seemed. Spot checked his watch - it was only 7:57. He had more than a few hours before he had to leave for the gathering at Specs and Jack's place.

Rubbing his tired eyes, he walked over to the couch and collapsed, sinking comfortably into the cushions. His mind wandered back to a few weeks ago, when they’d all drawn names for the gift exchange.

He still wasn't entirely sure it wasn't a conspiracy on his friends’ part that he drew Race's name. Especially since moments before, Race had drawn Spot’s.

Spot remembered all their friends laughing about it; Sarah had even nudged his arm with her elbow and whispered something about it being “meant to be”.

What was he even supposed to give to Race? Did he like anything aside from ballet?

Oh, yes. Of course he did. He also liked tap. And hip hop. And jazz.

Spot had realized while shopping for the gift that he didn’t really know much about Race at all. His first thought was a poster of Baryshnikov, before he remembered he’d seen two already in Race’s apartment a week prior. So Baryshnikov was out.

Of course, he wanted to impress Race. Give him a personal gift. They’d been working together every day for almost two months now. They were friends. Friends gave each other personal, thoughtful gifts. Gifts that said “you mean a lot to me”, gifts that said-

Why was he so worried about this? Sure, he had spent the past couple weeks after the name drawing stressing over the perfect gift to get Race, until he had finally found something suitable. He may have asked Race a few pointed questions, trying to get more hints about what he liked. But that was just what people did when they cared about their friends.

Right?

At least the whole gift thing had become a distraction. His heart still skipped a beat when he saw Race casually showing off his 180 degree développés to his classes, but he felt more comfortable around him now. Less awkward. It gave him less time to wonder whether Race was intentionally trying to prove he was a dance god, or if he was just so amazingly talented that it was just out of habit that every movement was perfect, from the smallest tendu to the most technically challenging jump sequence.

Why was it that dance seemed to bring out qualities you wouldn’t expect that person to be able to exhibit? Ballet turned Race from an obnoxious, full-of-energy, childish person into someone with discipline. Precision. From someone you couldn’t possibly keep up with in any capacity to someone patient and almost mature. When Race danced, he was the epitome of grace, every step exact get still relaxed. In short...beautiful.

Woah, where did that come from? Spot shook his head vehemently, stood up from the couch and poured himself a glass of cold water in the kitchen.

Christmas. It was Christmas. He needed to stop thinking about work. About Race. Jesus, why was his whole life centered around Race now? It was probably because they were spending so much time together after months of not seeing each other at all. Yeah, that made sense. But he saw other people a lot, too. He had just seen Smalls and JoJo the other night! And he wasn’t thinking so much about them. There was just something about Race-

A loud knock at the door interrupted Spot’s thoughts. Thank god.

He left his glass in the kitchen sink and crossed the living room. When he opened the door, he found Sarah standing there, dressed in a Hanukkah sweater and grinning from ear to ear.

“Sarah?” Spot said, feeling confused even as he stepped aside to let Sarah come in. “It’s only eight-thirty. We don’t hafta to be at Jack and Specs’ till twelve.”

“C’mon, Spot, where’s your holiday spirit?” Sarah asked. “I thought we could go get breakfast before we go. Me and you. We haven’t hung out together in weeks!”

“I saw you yesterday.”

“Yeah, but I was with Les and Davey. It’s not the same.”

Spot shook his head and smiled. “You were saying something about breakfast?”

“I knew food would be what it took to get my best friend to hang out with me for once in his life.”

This time Spot laughed. “Alright, just give me twenty minutes so I can shower.”

“Twenty… Spot, you look and smell fine and I’m hungry,” Sarah whined, feigning impatience but still obviously fighting off a laugh of her own.

Spot rolled his eyes. “Make toast. Or there’s leftover pasta in the fridge. I don’t care. Help yourself.”

Sarah groaned dramatically. “Fine. Just be quick so I don’t waste away. Come on, Spot, it’s Christmas. Catholic act of charity, or some shit?”

“One: you’re Jewish. Two: what’s the act of charity? Showerin’ quickly so you can eat?”

“Um...yes. ‘Ubi caritas et amor deus ibi est,’ bitch. Or whatever you catholics say. You’ve made me listen to at least ten settings, probably.”

“Come on. Ola Gjeilo’s Ubi Caritas is perfection and you know it.” He glanced at his watch. 8:36. “You know what, yeah. I’ll shower as fast as you- no, not as fast as you want me to. I’ll be out and dressed in twelve and a half minutes. Time me.”

“Alright.” Sarah flopped onto Spot’s couch and took out her phone. “Ready...set...go.”

When he walked out of his room, Sarah nodded approvingly. “Twelve minutes and twenty-seven seconds. Nice job.”

“Told you I could do it,” Spot replied with a smirk. “Now let’s go get some breakfast.”

The place Sarah had chosen was a nice little diner that was thankfully open on holidays.

“So.” Sarah leaned forward excitedly, her elbows on the table and her hands supporting her head. “What’d you get Race?”

Spot sarcastically mirrored Sarah’s pose. “You’ll find out in…” 9:02. “... about four hours. Don’t get ahead of yourself.”

“Alright, I can be patient. So…” Sarah took a slow sip of her coffee before speaking again. “Speaking of you and Race…”

Spot felt his breath catch. “Yeah, what about me and Race?”

Sarah raised her eyebrows and exhaled accusingly with a teasing smile. “So you two… haven’t gotten… close? Recently?”

“I mean, we work together, so yeah, we’ve gotten closer, ‘cause we work together…” Spot knew he was rambling, but he couldn’t seem to stop himself. What was wrong with him? He was never like this.

“Spot.” She was shaking her head. Eyes closed, a small smile slowly spreading across her face. “Just stop. Do you like him?”

He could feel the heat rising into his face. Quickly. Shit. “In what way do you mean?” A small laugh escaped Sarah’s lips. “We’re friends. So I like him as a friend. Any other ways you had in mind?”

“Spot, you’ve been my best friend for like fifteen? Sixteen years? I know you. You get flustered every time you look at him.” Spot winced, but she kept going. “And when you talk to him, shit, Spot. You’re a fucking mess. So I’m calling bull on this ‘no homo’ bullshit you have going on. Is this internalized homophobia or what? Do you just-”

“Please, Sarah. Not now.” He opened his mouth to continue as their food arrived, then closed it again and sighed loudly.

Sarah waited an agonizingly long thirty seconds before continuing. “All I’m saying is that it’s been two months. At least figure out what you feel for him, because it’s at least something.” She paused again. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to put all this on you on Christmas. I just love you and-”

“I love you too, Sarah.”

Sarah sighed. “Just… promise me you’ll talk to me about this shit. I get worried.”

“I promise, Sarah. You don’t have to worry about me.” Spot stretched his hand across the table and put it over Sarah’s, smiling softly at her. “Alright, let’s not talk ‘bout this anymore for right now. How ‘bout we eat?”

Sarah grinned and picked up her fork, then pulled her plate of pancakes closer. “Yes! I’m starving.”

After breakfast, Sarah and Spot walked around for a bit, taking in the icicles on the trees and the snow that had once again begun falling from the sky in light, delicate flakes. Then it was time to head to Jack and Specs’.

They were two of the first people to arrive. Jack and Specs were there, of course, as were Davey, Les, and Crutchie, all lounging around the living room.

Sarah laughed as she walked in. “Of course the Jews are the ones who show up early for Christmas.”

This got a laugh from everyone else, too, and Sarah left Spot’s side to go sit between her brothers on the couch, placing her present under the tree on the way. Specs glanced at Spot’s own present, still in his hand, neatly wrapped in green paper and topped with a bow.

“You wrap that yourself, Spot?” He asked with a cheeky grin. “Sure is a nice job.” Spot rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, Specs, now come off it,” he retorted, shoving Specs aside with his shoulder a little too hard to be playful and setting the present next to Sarah’s. Then he sat on the end of the couch, content to sit there quietly and listen while Les regaled his brother and sister with tales of his first semester of senior year.

“And in Physics the other day, Mrs. Mullen totally-”

A knock sounded at the door, interrupting Les. Sarah jumped up enthusiastically and opened the door, revealing Smalls, Finch, Mush, and Blink. They all came in with smiles and greetings and presents, and after a while the living room had filled up as more people arrived. And somehow, Race had ended up on the couch, sitting snugly against Spot to make room for other people. And once in a while, Race’s hand would accidentally brush Spot’s, and Spot had to pretend that his heart didn’t flutter a little every time it happened.

Soon, everyone was there, talking and joking, and Specs clapped his hands a couple of times to get their attention.

“Alright, guys,” he said once the room was quiet, “who’s ready to exchange some gifts?”

“The people want food, Specs!” Sarah called. Everyone laughed. Specs blushed a little in embarrassment, but he grinned.

“Of course! How could I ever forget?” He dramatically gestured to the kitchen. “There’s a spread of refreshments in there, prepared by Crutchie and yours truly. Paper plates are on the side. Help yourselves!”

“Didn’t you just eat breakfast, Sarah?” Spot asked under his breath, grinning. Before she could respond, Race tapped Spot’s shoulder.

“Get you a drink?”

Spot spun around quickly to face him, almost accidentally falling into his lap in the process, and Race laughed. “Careful.”

“Uh...sorry, yeah, I’d love a drink.”

Race nodded, still grinning, and got up, heading for the kitchen. Sarah nudged Spot with her elbow.

“Smooth,” she whispered. Spot felt his face turn red and took deep breaths to calm his heart rate as Race returned, two bottles in his hands.

“The finest House IPA,” Race joked. “I know it’s your favorite.”

“You know, Spot, I’ve never figured out how you became a complete lesbian stereotype.” Sarah evidently couldn’t stop her hysteric laughter. “Your taste in beer. The flannels. The beanies. The-”

“Yes, Sarah. We get it.” Spot could still feel an unstoppable grin spreading across his face. He glanced over to see Race holding back a laugh of his own.

Having Sarah close by made it easier, somehow. When she was there to break the tension, Spot felt like it was just a little easier to breathe, even when Race’s hand brushed his again as he handed him the beer bottle.

For a while, everyone ate and talked some more, until Specs stood up again.

“Now it really is time to exchange gifts,” he announced with a laugh. Everyone cheered.

The presents were handed out to their respective recipients, and soon the room was full of boisterous laughter and wrapping paper and ribbons.

Spot turned his head before opening his present to find that Race had done the same. “You go first,” Spot initiated after a pause.

Race smiled. “You sure?” Spot nodded.

He could feel his chest getting tight, his heart racing as Race tore into the wrapping paper.

“Hey look! A box! Thank you, Conlon, I’ve been wanting one for a while!”

Spot rolled his eyes, laughing slightly. “Look inside the box, Higgins.”

Race carefully removed the top of the box and peered inside. “Pointe shoes?”

“Not for you to wear, obviously. They’re signed by Megan Fairchild. I know how much you love her.”

Race bit his lip as he looked back at Spot, a huge grin spreading across his face. “Well, that’s good. I think they’d be a bit small for me, anyway.” They both laughed. “Thank you, Spot. I love them.”

And when he leaned forward to give Spot a hug, Spot’s heart threatened to beat right out of his chest.

“Alright, Conlon.” Race’s voice cut through Spot’s thoughts, and he looked up with a start. “Your turn.”

The package in Race’s hand was flat and square. Wrapped surprisingly neatly for something he assumed Race had wrapped himself. Spot took it from him and carefully slid his thumb through the tape, keeping the paper intact. The wrapping paper fell to the floor to reveal a sleek black frame, inside of which was a vinyl record.

He leaned closer to the glass, reading the small words on the label Race had made. “Elton John. Tiny Dancer.”

“Remember that choreo you did? Senior year?”

Spot felt his smile reappear as he remembered. “Of course.”

Race put his arm around Spot’s shoulders, causing his head to spin. Maybe it was the alcohol?

“Do you like it?”

Spot rested his head on Race’s muscular shoulder for a moment, then looked up at him. “It’s amazing. Thank you.”

And when Race moved to hug him again, for once he felt perfectly in control. Maybe he did have a crush on Race. But right now, he was perfectly content in his platonic embrace.

[lewigm-blog]

Newsletter 3.5: With just a few loaves and some fish we can all do the Magis

Published August 22, 2019

 “Taking the five loaves and the two fish, and looking up to heaven, he said the blessing, broke the loaves, and gave them to the disciples, who in turn gave them to the crowds. They all ate and were satisfied…”

-        Matthew 14: 13-21

 This one goes out to all those who have fed me when they thought they didn’t have much to give. It is because you give, that I am where I am today. Surely those efforts have helped others out as now it is me who is sharing more loaves of bread and fish than I thought I had.

 During our misa a few weeks ago, Matthew’s gospel passage had me reflecting on the magis, which for those who don’t know is a Jesuit/Latin comparative adjective meaning “the more.” This is something that Saint Ignatius constantly reflected on and challenged others in. At any time, it is to be and give more of yourself to others, yourself and, by nature, God as well. I have had countless opportunities to live out this magis during my time as a JV. I could always give my students and community more attention, a project more of my energy, and be more present during mass or during “Peruvian” meetings. While these are just a few situations in which the litany and struggles of life have tempted me from performing at 100%, I recognize that it is a completely normal thing to experience from time to time.

In the world of a volunteer and, I imagine, a professional, the temptation to be and do “enough” will happen more than once and can affect other areas of our lives. It can sneak into our routines subtly and casually (as sin usually does), but it can also happen all at once through traumatic events such as the death of a loved one, an accident or any other unexpected tragedy. You may very well be experiencing this difficulty in your lives now as Jesus did upon hearing the news of the death of John the Baptist during this past week’s reading. Like Jesus, we may want to retreat from the world to recover from a difficult moment but sometimes God has other plans for us and puts people in our lives that call for us to be more. In this Gospel reading we see that Jesus still tends to the needs of the people, performing miracles and constantly giving more of himself for others even when he may not be at his best emotionally. It is during these experiences that we are tested and pushed to the limit as people. Sometimes it is the people we give all of ourselves to that are the ones goading us, pushing us closer to the brink of giving up.

The children of Israel lamented, “Would that we had meat for food! We remember the fish we used to eat without cost in Egypt…But now we are famished; we see nothing before us but this manna.”

*This one does hit home with me literally as the frequency and access to meat was much more readily available back in the states than here in Peru, but I digress…

Oh, how ungrateful the Israelites were! Oftentimes, our service or jobs have us encountering and accompanying people who complain and fail to recognize the love in our labor as Moses experienced. Our children, students or anyone else who depends on us might be crying out for something that we aren’t exactly offering or feel obliged to offer. The hope is that they are seeking the magis, but it usually isn’t phrased or perceived this way. It can present itself as moaning and groaning after the students’ “reward” for finishing their work early is yet another worksheet. It could also be in the form of blank stares of silence and indifference after showing them what you initially thought was interesting or profound. God forbid you try to get your students to think a bit more critically! Maybe it’s just an off day for you and them and they’re not ready to understand why you teach this way. They might not even know what their words or actions are doing to our spirit, but it can be tough to keep moving forward from this. I haven’t had a formal education in teaching so why am I here anyway? All these thoughts have raced through my mind while I’m in school teaching.

“Why do you treat your servant so badly?” Moses asked the LORD. “Why are you so displeased with me that you burden me with all this people?... Where can I get [meat] (insert whatever applies in your vocation) to give to all this people? For they are crying to me, ‘Give us [meat] for our food.’ …If this is the way you will deal with me, then please do me the favor of killing me at once, so that I need no longer face this distress.”

Well we certainly don’t want to push Mr. Moses, cause he’s close to the edge (for the song reference click here). In the book of Numbers (11: 4b-15), we see an image of a frustrated, on-the-edge Moses (and at times Luis during 6th grade Catechism classes) going through a difficult experience. I remember feeling this way several times after the initial “new teacher” grace period was over. Some of my students wanted to test me and push me and see what would happen. Thankfully, I didn’t let it bother me too much initially, but after some time and external responsibilities piling up, I began to show my inner Moses.

Curiously enough, my session on the Ten Commandments for my 6th graders in June had me wanting to pull my hairs out. We were about about a month away from the mid-year break and the kids were starting to show their readiness for the vacation. This session was supposed to take only one class, but it spanned two, hour and a half sessions across two weeks. The session seemed simple as I asked the students to find the scripture passage on the Commandments, read it as a group (popcorn style) and then identify 10 or so commandments. A few of the commandments weren’t explicitly written out and this threw them for a loop. Once the 30-minute ordeal was over, I grouped them by table and they were to write on papelón, or big paper, their assigned commandment and provide an illustration of one situation in which people followed the commandment and then one example of people disobeying the commandment. The activity dragged on and the students did not want to cooperate. I was growing frustrated as I struggled to maintain order in class, so I asked them to present their illustrations. The results were sad, but hilarious.

The “Best” of the presentations on the Ten Commandments

           Perhaps not the most kind and loving way to teach, but I am still learning and feel that I have a sense of humor to uphold. After this episode, there were constant breaks in our lessons week to week as events would come up that would leave several weeks between religion classes. It is important to note that we teach religion once a week, which only made matters worse. This lack of organization at Fe y Alegria, my waning patience, and an overall lack of commitment to much of anything brought me into a low and apathetic state. I eventually fell into a trap of copy-and-paste lesson planning. I would provide relatively simple lessons that summarized the celebration, origin of a Saint or an image of Mary that was conveniently packaged into a video that I found the night before, or morning of class. The unoriginal and unengaging sessions could be likened to that of a substitute teacher plan that I had always dreamed and hoped for as a middle schooler myself; It was a shortcut way of “teaching” if one could call it that. In hindsight, this period was when my flame and passion for JVC and teaching flickered and grew dim. Utterly disheartened, inexplicably exhausted and seemingly drained of creativity, I found myself in a power save mode of myself.

This change didn’t happen overnight, and I still struggle to pinpoint its origins, but I realized that it wasn’t healthy place to be. It led to a lack of enthusiasm in many aspects of my life, namely with my JVC community, local relationships with coworkers, and then to family and friends from home. The JVC values of simple living, social justice, spirituality and community were also reduced greatly and often neglected. I was, as some of my Spaniard friends say, in la ubi or a critical point in my life. Thankfully I just had to make it until the mid-year break in order to see my girlfriend and lifegiving force Cat. But even with these brief feelings of excitement, I would wakeup exhausted and knew that I just needed a break. When the opportunity to sign up for the Spiritual Exercises came up, I took them seriously in the hope that it would restore me to the gung-ho, high energy JV I knew I was. I was hoping to encounter God and myself, and thankfully I did.

The 3-day experience of the Spiritual Exercises was a refreshing dive into the deep end of spirituality that came at the right time. I had always been in the pool, but I think I wasn’t doing myself any favors by staying in the shallow end for so long. It helped me reset and reassess what was important to me and let go of anything that wasn’t conducive to my growth and wellbeing. I used Dean Brackley’s The Call to Discernment in Troubled Times as a guide through the exercises and what moved me the most was his chapter on forgiveness. I was having a hard time accepting the fact that we are all sinners and have to ask God for the grace to accept ourselves.

“From a gospel point of view, appreciating God’s healing mercy is more important than fixating on our defects. For what frees us is knowing that we are acceptable and accepted, not as a prize for being good, but in spite of being not so good.” (29)

This quote, among others in the book, helped me to understand the way that God sees us as people in need of constant forgiveness. It might be the reason why Jesus helped out those folks who followed Him even when He wanted to be off by Himself. We are certainly imperfect creatures and it isn’t easy to admit that we are flawed and are in need of forgiveness. This self-forgiveness leads into other areas of our lives and helps us to recognize that those we serve also need forgiveness and patience. It works by both offering it whenever possible, but also accepting it whenever we need it. If you think about your own professions, the same might be said about you! I understand and appreciate this now especially as a teacher myself. Along with my own classes in primary school I also assist with the preschool in the mornings. I am more than aware of the amount of energy and patience is necessary to manage 30 children for several hours at a time! Something that the exercises that helped me reflect the goodness in the day was to review one’s day, week or year in this way:

Where was God in my day today? Where was it easy to find Him? Where was it difficult? How have I helped another? How was my energy or mood in that moment? Where do I draw my energy to continue forward when I begin to grow tired? Is this sustainable? Why or why not? This is simply a way of focusing less on the errors in our ways of teaching and more on the goodness of our service and labor. I am all too aware that I have a hyper-sensitivity and criticalness to how I live out my day and this can bog me down easily.

Something that helped me slowdown and be more was being assigned the chore of taking out the garbage. The unfortunate part about having the garbage chore is that the truck comes on Saturdays and you must unload your garbage whenever the truck arrives (between 6:30-8:00am) or else the company doesn’t pick it up. I took the morning and chore silently as I walked through the main plaza of Andahuaylillas and appreciated the stillness and beauty of the surrounding mountains. While I waited for the truck to arrive, I saw a short elderly woman that I had never seen before getting her garbage out onto the street. She came closer to me and advised me through hand gestures that the truck was on the other side of the street. I realized that she was deaf and tried her best to communicate with me. One of the reflection readings for the Exercises and this moment had me thinking about how Jesus healed the deaf man in (Mark 7:31-37). I also thought about how Jesus was reaching out to the poor and marginalized and gave them the opportunity to feel heard and listened to. I decided to sit down with this woman and let her feel heard, even though I couldn’t understand most of what she was saying.

I began to see and appreciate the way God works through people. It was as if He was telling me to stop and listen to others. It didn’t take much effort, it only took some time, patience and presence for me to be fulfilled in that moment. It might not seem like much, but the magis that I speak of is much like this. The magis isn’t only the great moments that transform the world noticeably, but a simple outpouring of self when you don’t have to. I used to think about how people sometimes seem to be “slowing me down” with a hello or how are you, when in reality these are the opportunities to be more for others. It is an opportunity to lean into someone’s life and be there to ask them the same. It is a habit that builds with time and mindful reflection. The Exercises have taught me to pray for God’s grace to be able to encounter Him more whenever the time or opportunity arises. It seemed foreign to me when I first truly heard about praying for grace, but it has improved my ability to find God in all things, large and small.

An example of how kindness imprints on the heart. Ben, a former JV, being embraced with one of his old students from his time here four years ago

This has changed my outlook and attitude on the kind of teacher I want to be. I feel more capable of giving myself over to the lives of the students and other teachers. I have a newfound source of patience with the kids, and it has already made a world of a difference. That isn’t to say that I haven’t slipped here and there, but I am much more mindful of the moments that we do have a productive session or activity. Even looking back before the Exercises, I realized that I did have fantastic moments of learning and discussion. It has happened less than I would like since working with primary school aged students is (roughly) 75% classroom management and whatever is left over is for learning material. I use learning loosely as it isn’t only about knowing concepts, but also the development of the whole person. Although we can build a tolerance for workloads and social obligations, we need these hiatuses from time to time to turn our low battery mode selves into a high-performance version of ourselves as well. When we are able to reach the 110% range and beyond, we can work and function more creatively and spectacularly for and with others.

The preschoolers are learning to cut hair and take on some adult responsibilities such as reading magazines

Ordering the mass by events! I learned a lot myself by planning this activity.

 It takes constant reflection and humility to be able to discern what our hearts are craving, but we must also ask for God’s grace to develop this skill. We may at times feel that we know what we need to be our full selves, and to an extent we do, but this knowledge is slowly revealed to us by God through people and experiences. We might believe that we crave one thing (type of food or drink), but in reality, what we needed was another (appetizer) that reminds us to stop and savor the moment (food) we are chewing now. I want to thank those who have given me exactly what I needed even when I didn’t know I needed it. These folks are the educators in my life who taught me the invaluable lessons of hard work, reflection, and self-empowerment that have kept me going. This is for all those in the counseling/ after school programs, coaches, family, friends and all my mentors in between. A number of you are on this list and know who you are. Keep on with the magis attitude but also give time for yourselves to rediscover or reignite that flame if you are ever feeling exhausted or overwhelmed with work. Even Jesus needed lunch breaks from time to time, so once again thanks for sharing yours.

“Taking the five loaves and the two fish, and looking up to heaven, he said the blessing, broke the loaves, and gave them to the disciples, who in turn gave them to the crowds. They all ate and were satisfied…”

  Matthew 14: 13-21

Peace,

Luis

P.S.

I would like to hear you tales and moments of feelings of burnout and being overwhelmed with life, and how you have moved past this. Teachers of mine! I ask that (if possible) to please share your stories, because I am sure that I have likely been the culprit or source of some of that grief at some point or another. (Whether that be sleeping in the front row of class or something from my time as an angsty teenager!) I look forward to hearing from you!

  For more pics click here! https://photos.app.goo.gl/Ay3FwhQEGCoRQ3oj9

(Full reading here)